#anyway ill shut up about the tank for a bit lol.. now i need to plan exactly what plants i want to buy

[kirstielol]

i added some botanicals to the tank.. leaves, cork bark, and seed pods that the crabs can hide in 🦀 also i've had the water running all day without the water heater plugged in, and the temps are perfect! 26-27 degrees in the lower water section and 27-28 degrees at the top pooling area.

the LED light bar (arcadia jungle dawn) that i have on the tank seems to heat up the pooling area nicely, which is heating up all the water as it cycles. so we'll see if i'll ever need to plug in the heater 🤷‍♀️

[julie-thefatones]

Ghost of You || Luke X Reader || Part 1

Hello everyone!! welcome to my first Fanfic pretty much.... im really nervous about posting it, and really hope you guys like it! Im going to warn you that there are some punctuation mistakes, and probably some misspelled words, and run on sentences... but nobodies perfect eh? lol anyways Enjoy! please let me know what you think, I am already writing part 2 so if this goes well ill post that soon :)

A/N: Your best friends with Julie, since the stamp was removed from the boys they are able to be seen by lifers at choice and can touch lifers at choice, but are still ghosts. You and Luke grow closer and closer starting to go from friends to more than that and everyone starts to notice, it just takes a little longer for you two to figure it out.

Word Count: 2,352

First day of school is always hard, especially senior year.... big deal or its supposed to be. You have always had a hard time with school because it was just hard for you to focus, you were always thinking about what you would rather be doing like painting, singing, taking a walk, and most recently learning guitar which Luke had been more than happy to help you with. Luke, Luke Patterson he was a member of your best friend Julies ghost band, Julie and The Phantoms, which included members Luke, Reggie, Alex, and of course Julie. You always knew they existed but it wasn't until recently that you were really able to get to know them your self because until recently only Julie could see them. Ever since they had that curse of a stamp removed from them, they pretty much can choose whenever they want to be seen or touch anything. It has been nice, because now you can really be apart of your best friends new world, you also got to make 3 new really fun and funny friends, they were just as chaotic as you and Julie. You and Luke really clicked from the moment you and him were able to actually see each other, well he has always been able to see you, but this way was much better. Since you and Luke hung out all the time, you found your self spending hours with him a day. In fact thats where you were before school, was with Luke, you guys had this little place by a lake you loved to hang out at, which caused you to be late for your first day.

So deep in your thoughts you didn't even realize you made it to your locker until you heard the all so familiar tone of your best friend calling out your name as she approached your locker "y/n!!! I didn't even see you pull in" Julie said as she now rested against the lockers next to you "Hey Jules! sorry I over slept and was late" Julie rolled her eyes "On your first day! man you really setting the bar high this year" she said laughing at you, You laugh too at the obvious sarcastic tone in her voice "alright, alright!! ms setting the bar high, we better get to class" you say punching Julie playfully in the arm before heading down the hallway to class.

As you sat in class, you started to feel really bad about lying to Julie about the real reason you were late to school today, you just didn't know how to explain how much you and Luke have been hanging out with out her asking a million questions, but its not like it was a big deal. Trying to get out of your head you try to focus on Mr. Berty who was describing the different factors of algebra which you never understood anyway, so you just write notes in hopes that when you study it later you'll understand it.... which never happens either. As you're writing notes you notice something in the window, in the corner of your eye, not really thinking anything of it until you notice that the thing is jumping up and down and no one else is noticing which could only mean one thing. You look to the side and you see Luke in his orange beanie and Rush tank top jumping up and down waving his arms in order to get your attention with the biggest smile on his face, you laugh to your self, and then realizing he must want something, looking at the clock you realized you still had 40 mins left in this class *Oh my gosh! for real its only been 20 minutes!* you thought to yourself; quickly looking from the clock to the window where Luke was still jumping, you raise your hand "Yes ms. Y/L/N" you bring your hand down faster than you want to, slightly hurting it on the desk "May I use the restroom please?" you ask hesitantly, eager to know what Luke wants, Mr. Berty sighed with annoyance "If you really need to, I suppose, but make it fast ms. Y/L/N" you stand up a little to excited "Thank you mr. Berty" you said as you scurried out the door.

When you made it outside Luke stopped jumping, but his smile remained. You loved his smile, it was contagious, you noticed you were smiling too "Luke! what are you doing here" you said punching his arm playfully, he laughed and grabbed his arm pretending that the punch hurt him "Wow the abuse Y/N" with a smirk he continued "Someone help!!! im being abused someone help!!!" you roll your eyes and smack your hand over his mouth "Not that anyone can hear you, but shut up! that did not hurt" you say with a small laugh, as he is laughing underneath your hand "What are you doing here Luke?" you say with your hand still on his mouth, you feel his smile grow bigger underneath your hand "Well, Y/N, Im here because I got something for you!! but you have to come with me to get it" he said with pure excitement, still with your hand on his mouth, then he licked your hand to get it off, you pull away in knee jerk reaction, he smiled "Sorry! as much as I love your hand on my mouth we need to go!" he said eagerly, you laughed and rolled your eyes "Luke, you do realize im at school right?" he grabbed your hand pulling you across the school field "Yeah! but if you really cared about that, you wouldn't have come outside would you" he said, still with the biggest smile on his face, you rolled your eyes even more and gave in knowing he was right "Alright! but where are you taking me" you exclaimed, speeding up to be side by side with him instead of him dragging you, he looked at you, and bit his lip still excited "aha! you'll just have to wait and see" he said and you both smiled. As you kept walking you realized never Luke never let go of your hand from when he was dragging you..... not that it meant anything, it felt nice though.

It took about 15 mins to walk to you and Lukes usual spot by the lake, still holding hands you approached the tree you guys likes to sit by, or sit in depending on if you wanted to climb, which about 90% of the time Luke did.. also doesn't help he can just teleport up there if he wants to, where as you had to do it the hard way while he just laugh at you trying to climb up. This time Luke wasn't going up the tree, he let go of your hand, which kind of made you sad, but then you saw the look on Lukes face, which was pure excitement "Stay right here Y/N!" he said firmly grasping your shoulders to make sure you stayed in place, as he hopped over to the tree "CLOSE YOUR EYES!" he yelled from behind the tree grabbing something, but you obeyed closing your eyes and before you knew it he was in front of you, you could feel it "Alright, you can open" he said softly, you opened your eyes, and there Luke was with the same smile, holding an acoustic guitar, you could tell it was a nice one, just from the shine on it and how pretty the strings looked, you didn't even realize your mouth was wide open until Luke laughed "Ya like it?" he exclaimed, and you just looked at it "Is that for me?" you asked shocked and excited, Luke laughed "Is that for me?" Luke mocked you "Yeah its for you! ya dork" he continued as he hopped over around you, to get behind you so he could place the guitar in front of you for you to hold, you could feel his arms brush against you... which you like as much as the hand holding but, a little more ... again it didn't mean anything, he was just a friend... and Julies band mate. Luke continued talking taking you out of your trance "Ya never answered me though, do you like it" He said still behind you, but now you were holding the guitar, you just looked at it in awe "Where did you get this Luke? How did you get this?" you asked still in shock, Luke just laughed "Don't worry about that!" he said with a mischievous tone, and then you got worried "Luke you didn't ?!... you didn't steal this right!" you asked with actual concern, you wouldn't put it past him, he just laughed and in a teasing tone said "Ouch! you think I would do that Y/N.... Im not that bad!" and then he continued but more serious this time "No! I didn't steal it, Since I have this new found power of choosing when to be seen and stuff, I picked up a small job at the music store downtown, thought why not earn some money.... and then when you asked me to teach you how to play guitar, I wanted to get you your own.... sooooo I have been saving up ever since" he said in a soft tone and then you felt him come closer to you from behind, but now he was putting his hands on the guitar softly playing a melody, while pretty much holding you, as he played the melody you could feel his breath on your neck.... you guys have never been this physically close before, right before you got to lost into your thought Luke continued talking "You! still haven't answered the question though!!! do you like it??" he exclaimed with a teasing tone once again, which caused you to laugh, and you turned around in his arms making the current position pretty much a hug but Lukes holding a guitar "Of course I like it you dork!!" you said excited and continued "This is the nicest thing anyone has done for me...." you looked into his eyes and with a soft tone said "Thank you" he smiled, a soft smile, and his whole face became soft as he relaxed the guitar down by both your sides and looked deeper into your eyes "Of course...." he said softly, both of you just looking deeper into each others eyes, you felt some kind of connection, and you felt like you both were getting closer and closer to each other and then a voice came from behind both of you, causing both of you to shake out of the trance you both shared "Hey! Y/N! Luke! what are you guys doing out here?

You and Luke both jump, moving away from each other as you see Reggie come out of the trees eating a meatball sub. You and Luke look at each other confused as crap as to why Reggie was there and how he knew about it "Hey Reg!" Luke said a little nervous putting his hand behind his head messing with this beanie, you looked flustered flashing your eyes from Luke to Reggie and back to Luke who continued talking "the real question is what are you doing out here buddy?" and Reggie just chuckled a little, while taking another bite off his sandwich "Well, I went to the school to see Kayla like I always do, we like to eat lunch together, then I saw you two run off and thought I would follow" Reggie said with a full mouth, you and Luke shared a look "So you have been here the whole time?" you asked, wondering how you guys didn't notice Reggie was behind you guys the whole time, Reggie smiled a meatball smile since his mouth was still full and he answered "Yeah!! but I wanted to eat my sandwich so I decided to sit down in those trees and eat it" Luke looked at Reggie with a confused look "But Reg, isn't that your sandwich?" Luke asked still confused, and Reggie looked at him, again with a meatball smile "No! this was supposed to be Kaylas sandwich but since I didn't see her, because I followed you guys... I decided to eat it!" You and Luke laughed and Luke stepped forward patting Reggie on the shoulder "Kayla is one lucky girl Reg!" Luke said teasing Reggie, you laughed in response, and then Reggie went back to his initial question "So what are you guys doing out here?" he asked taking yet another bite of the sandwich, in which Luke got nervous again and answered Reggie with a slightly nervous tone "Hey! shouldn't you be getting back to the school, Kayla is gonna be wondering where your at bud" Reggie stopped chewing and his eyes grew big and he looked at Luke "Youre right! awww man, im gonna have to go get another sandwich" Reggie answered in a high pitched nervous tone "Ill see ya guys later!" Reggie said while running away nearly tripping over his own feet. You and Luke sighed and looked at each other, Luke smiled "Well should we get you back to school as well?" Luke asked you with a soft tone added with a light chuckle at the end, you nodded "Yeah, Lunch is gonna be starting soon and Julie is gonna be wondering where I went" you responded, and then looked at your guitar and looked back at Luke "I love my guitar Luke, I really love it!" you said as you wrapped your arms around his neck and gave him a tight hug, he responded by wrapping his arms around your wait pulling you in tighter, when you guys released from the hug you shared another look, quickly shaking it off with Luke responding "I cant wait to teach you some more chords on it!" he said back to his excited state from when you first got there, skipping forward grabbing your hand again as you guys walked back to school together.

[daisyxbuckley]

Afterlife//Mitch Rapp Series

A/N: This is like the SHORTEST chapter you will ever see me write for a series. Like for real. Instead of my usual 10 pages, this was like 4 so ill hopefully have the next part up tonight lol. Anyways enjoy! 

Description: It’s been six months since Mitch and Ophelia took down Ghost. Six months since Ophelia had to kill someone that she thought she once loved. Now a new threat is back and the only question is…with they both make it out alive?

@cxddlyash @dylan-obrien-fanblog @stiles-o-dylan24 @xceafh

******************************************************************************************

4 Months Later 

Mitch slammed the hotel room door shut and threw his bag on the table. Shrugging his shirt off, he kicked his shoes to the side and went into the bathroom. Scrubbing his face, Mitch looked up at the face that was glaring back at him. His eyes were sunken and his skin was a bit paler. The shine that he had started getting back was gone and he hadn’t smiled since that night. Sighing he walked out and rummage through his bag and pulled out a clean shirt. Grabbing a beer from the mini fridge, he popped the top off before he sat down on the couch and sat in front of the computer. 

“Come on O, where are you?” He said to himself, staring at the screen. He was somewhere in Paris. Or maybe it was Russia ...Mitch had no clue at this point. 

The moment Mitch had woken up in that cabin he called Stan. He was frantic and spent most of the night looking for her, but if Ophelia didn’t want to be found then she wouldn’t be. It broke Mitch’s heart that she felt like she had to run away. 

Mitch brought up the security footage that Adam had sent over to him. The second Ophelia went missing, he put a hit on all the facial recognition software. She hadn’t been popping up but they knew that she was alive. Men had been showing up all over Europe that had her signature all over them. There were pictures of her spread around the room, most of them taken within the first three weeks she was gone. After that she had vanished and he hadn’t seen her since. 

Adam’s videos were probably a bust but he took a swig of his beer and pressed play anyways. It was taken from a market that was full of vendors. His eyes scanned the screen looking for her. Taking another swig from the bottle he noticed something on the right of the screen. 

The figure was wearing black skinny jeans tucked into black boots that went up to her calves. The jacket she wore showed the dark grey tank top that was tucked into the waistband of her jeans and when she adjusted her jacket, he saw the firearm that was tucked in the small of her back. But what caught Mitch’s eye were the healing fingernails on her left hand. Leaning closer, Mitch’s eyes narrowed when she turned around. Ophelia looked up where the camera was like she knew it was there. The look on her face was cold and calculated, her hair had grown out into waves down her back. Her bangs were chopped just above her eyes, framing her face. The brown hair that he used to know had been lightened with blonde highlights. It was almost as if she knew he would be watching. 

Mitch quickly checked the time and date. It was from the day before at market in Kiev. Grabbing his phone he instantly called Stan waiting for him to pick up. 

“What.” The voice answered gruffly. 

“I found her. She was in Kiev, Ukraine yesterday.” Mitch said. The video had been paused with her face staring at him. Stan was silent on the phone as he thought about what these meant. 

“She wanted to be found.” 

“I know sir. I can be there tomorrow.”

“Rapp, don’t spook her.” Stan said lowly. “She is still with him and we don’t want shit going south.” 

“Sir..what is the mission.” Mitch asked quietly. The question hung in the air between them. Mitch knew that neither of them had any clue if Ophelia was even on their side anymore. 

“Extract her. I don’t care how you do it. Just do it.” Stan said before hanging up. 

Mitch quickly shut his laptop and shoved it into the bag along with the files and the rest of his stuff. Booking a ticket on his phone, he quickly checked out of the hotel and caught a cab to the airport. Three hours later he was landing at the airport in Kiev and heading to the closest hotel. Setting up in a room under an alias, Mitch got settled in and realized that it was almost three in the morning and as much as he wanted to go searching for her, he knew that he needed some sleep. Sighing he laid back on the couch and closed his eyes. 

His dreams were always about her. The last time he saw her, how she had looked at him in sadness. Mitch sighed and opened his eyes looking at the clock. Groaning he realized he managed to sleep for about four hours. Getting up he threw some water on his face and put a clean shirt on. Grabbing his gun, he checked the clip and put it in the waistband of his jeans while grabbing his jacket. Shrugging it on he grabbed his things and walked out the door. 

The cold October air was crisp as Mitch walked quickly through the streets. His breath came out in short puffs as he kept his head down and tried to steer clear of everyone. Dipping into a cafe, he ordered a coffee and smiled at the girl as she made it for him. After asking for some directions, he walked out the door. The same market that Ophelia had been seen in was a few blocks away so he figured that he would stay there and look around. 

The market was already crowded for the early hours and it made Mitch uncomfortable. He sat down at a table that allowed him to see everything around him. He sipped his coffee and tried to figure out what the hell Ophelia was doing in the Ukraine. He and Stan had already come to the conclusion that she was working for Kiernan, but they had no clue why. Stan threw out, one drunken night, that maybe she was brainwashed. But as much as Mitch wanted to believe that was the case, he knew that Ophelia was too strong for that. 

Mitch sat in the same spot for about five hours. He studied every person that was in the market that day. He looked for Ophelia in every girl her age, hoping that it would be her and she would reappear. But she never did. Sighing, he finally got up to head back to the hotel room when he heard it. 

Her voice.

Mitch started scanning the market. He saw her from following someone that was walking next to her. She casually brought her hand to her mouth, like she was scratching her cheek, but Mitch knew that she was talking to someone. He quickly started following after them. He recognized Kiernan standing next to her and his blood started boiling when he touched her lower back and Ophelia just let him. Mitch stayed hidden until the group got to a black sedan. He watched as Ophelia looked around before Kiernin stepped into the car. Once he was in, she hit the hood and watched it drive off before going the other way. 

Mitch let a little distance between them as she continued into the crowd. The last thing he needed was for her to run. He watched as she pulled out her ipod and put her headphones in but he knew she wasn’t really zoned out. She knew everything going on around her. He followed her for about twenty minutes before he saw her go down a side street. Mitch took a left and cursed when he realized she wasn’t there anymore. 

“God Damnit!” He yelled as he ran a hand through his hair. Hearing the safety of a gun click off, Mitch tensed up before turning around slowly with his hands up. Ophelia stood across from him, her gun was raised and a hard look on her face. Mitch felt his own gun in the waistband of his jeans and knew that he could reach it in time, but he wouldn’t do that to her. 

“What are you doing here?” She asked with no emotion. Mitch was surprised that she spoke to him like she didn’t care.

“Ophelia...what the hell is going on? “ He asked slowly. “What are you doing.” 

“You shouldn’t be here.” Was all she said, never lowering her gun. She hated that this was the position she was in, but she knew that this was how it had to be to save him. 

“I shouldn’t be here?” Mitch yelled. “Ophelia you shouldn’t be here.” he said stepping forward. He didn’t care that sh was pointing a gun at his chest. He just wanted her home.

“Mitch...you need to leave.” Ophelia whispered. She hated feeling like this, she wanted nothing more than to just pull him close and run away with him. But she couldn’t. 

“I’m not going anywhere without you. O, we haven’t stopped looking for you.” He said placing a hand on the gun trying to lower it. Mitch refused to take his eyes off hers as he slowly lowered it to her side. They stood there staring at each other for a second and Mitch could see the wall fall in her eyes and knew that he was getting through to her. “O, please. I need you.” Mitch pleased. Before she could react, he had pressed her up against the wall. His lips had latched onto hers as his hands found her waist wrapping around it. Her arms reached up instinctively and wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer to her. Ophelia’s hands moved up through his hair and Mitch moaned as her hails scraped across his scalp. He nipped at her lip as he pulled away and started kissing down her neck. He had missed the taste of her skin and wasn’t going to stop till she broke and came home with him. 

“Mitch.” Ophelia gasped as she tried to get her bearings again. She shouldn’t be doing this..if anyone saw them he would be in danger. “Stop!” She yelled pushing him back. “You need to go. Now.” Ophelia said scooping up the gun she dropped and placing it in the small of her back. 

“Why did you let me catch you if you weren’t planning on coming home?” Mitch asked with a frustrated look on his face. “You’ve been gone for four fucking months, O. Why bother with showing me you were still alive if you didn’t want me going after you?”

“Because I wanted you to move on!” Ophelia yelled. “I wanted you to know I was alive so you would stop worrying about me and move on.” She was so close to spilling the tears that were welling up in her eyes but she refused. Ophelia ran a hand through her hair as she chewed on her bottom lip and Mitch had to physically restrain himself from shoving her against the wall and kissing her again. 

“We aren’t just going to leave you Ophelia. Let us help you...please.” Mitch said carefully stepping forward “We just want you to come home.” 

Shaking her head, Ophelia slowly looked away. “Go home Mitch, forget about me.” She whispered. Before he could reply, Ophelia had taken off down the alleyway and back out onto the street. It took Mitch about five seconds to chase after her but he got out to the street right as he saw her taking off on her red sports bike vanishing from sight. 

“FUCK!” He yelled attracting stares and glaring at everyone. Quickly taking off in the direction of his hotel, Mitch pulled his phone out to dial Stan. 

He was going to get Ophelia back even if it killed him. 

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day One Hundred Ninety-Seven: With a Shovel ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata, Hyūga Hanabi, Uchiha Itachi ] [ SasuHina, gore, vulgarity ] [ Verse: When Dead Walk ] [ AO3 Link ]

Shit shit SHIT!

Vaulting over a fence, he lands on his feet, regathering momentum quickly. So much for quiet and unnoticed! How was he supposed to know the place was boobbytrapped?! Bag still slung over his shoulders, it bounces heavily against his back with every thud of his feet against the ground. At least he got a decent haul before all the ruckus. Should keep them fed for a short while.

Behind him, he can hear the rippling-outward cries of the undead. When one notices you, its noise and shift in attention seem to spread like another disease, infecting any others within range and calling them to the same action: to try and feed on whoever’s unlucky enough to get noticed.

And right now, it’s him.

Struggling to keep his breath even, Sasuke’s arms pump as he cuts through old yards, overgrown and filled with weeds. Even the weather is dreary today: overcast and muggy. Just the kind of atmosphere he wants to be running for his life through. Remnants of old lives, probably lost, are scattered throughout: lawn furniture, kids’ toys, empty dog houses, swimming pools filled with sickly green water and bloated dead bodies.

Ah, so that’s where that smell’s coming from.

At least the damn things are slow and unsteady...but he doesn’t want to get caught in a corner. He’s stuck to the outskirts, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t zombies this far out that can cut him off.

But this time, it’s not a deadhead he has to worry about.

Just as he skirts by a house, a figure comes barreling out of the back door, knocking into him and throwing them both to the ground in a heap. Sense scrambled for a moment, Sasuke panics - was that a dead one?! But...no, it was running. He’s never seen one run before, they’re too slow and off-kilter. Then...another survivor? Shit, what if they have a weapon?

“Behind you!”

Rolling to his side, his eyes go wide as his unexpected companion leaps over him, curling slightly as he expects them to hit him. But instead, he hears a dull thud. Flailing to his other side (and trying to wriggle back), he watches as the other human decapitates a walker.

...with a shovel.

Wide-eyed and panting, he watches them catch their breath, then look over their shoulder to him. It...looks like a woman? A little hard to tell, what with the dirty countenance and baggy clothing.

...she’s not gonna use that on him now, is she?

“Get up!” she commands, keeping hold of her tool and offering an arm.

Not about to refuse, Sasuke takes her grip, struggling to his feet with his pack weighing him down. Together, they keep running the way he was headed, crossing a few more yards before reaching the true outside of the suburb.

It’s then they look to each other warily.

“...are you alone?” she asks, glancing back toward the houses.

“...here and now? Yeah,” is his sarcastic reply.

“You know what I mean.”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I left my sister stashed. We have a car that runs. We can take you back…” She nods to his back. “...spare some of your loot and we’ll call it even.”

“Don’t I already owe you?”

“Maybe, but I’m not - I’m not about to leave you here. So, is there anyone else?”

Considering her carefully, the ruckus of the undead drawing nearer, he admits, “...not here. My brother’s back at our camp.”

“We’ll take you there.”

“So long as you put that shovel down, sure.”

In spite of herself, the woman gives a hint of a smile. “Unless your heart stops beating, I don’t have any intention of hurting you. The living need to stick together, r-right?”

“Yeah...if only more people thought that way. You lead the way.”

In a thicket of bushes and trees a ways from the development, they uncover a vehicle covered with severed branches. Within is a teenager who jumps at the sight of them. “Hinata, who the hell is that?”

“A new friend,” Hinata, as she appears to be called, replies. “He’s fine. We’re going to take him home, and trade some supplies.”

Eyeing her nearly-empty pack, the girl mutters, “Trade? We don’t have anything to trade.”

“That’s what the ride is for, Hanabi.”

Expression guarded, she remains in the rear seat as Sasuke takes the passenger door, Hinata driving. “Where are we headed?”

“North a ways. Abandoned farmhouse. It’s back in some trees, easy to miss.”

Nodding, Hinata revs the engine, backing from their hiding place and heading up the road.

Behind them, the swarm continues to shuffle toward the sound as it fades into the distance.

The subsequent silence is filled by the humming of the motor, Sasuke keeping his eyes flickering between the road and his companions. While he doubts either are much of a threat, he’s not about to let his guard down, either.

“So you were hitting up the same spot, huh?” Hanabi asks, leaning up between the seats.

“Hanabi, please put your seatbelt on,” Hinata offers wearily.

“Why? It’s not like we’re gonna get pulled over.”

“That’s not the most important aspect of wearing a seatbelt.”

The teen rolls her eyes. “Yes, Mom.”

Watching the exchange, Sasuke sees the elder sister wilt a hair.

“That place is the nearest one we’ve found to hit up,” Sasuke offers, deciding to humor her attempt at conversation. “We’ve been here a few weeks now.”

“We?”

“Me and my elder brother.”

“Cool, another sibling duo.”

His lips quirk in amusement. “We lived in the city west of here, headed out this way when things got bad. Been hopping as we need to ever since. Had a car, but it tanked a while before we got here.”

“Hey, we came from the west, too! Anybody else with you guys?”

“No, just us. We’ve run into a few people, but...it never ended well.”

“Yeah, us either…” Hanabi admits. “Least nobody’s tried to kill us, yet. They just all got themselves killed.”

“Hanabi,” Hinata murmurs in scolding.

“What? They did!”

“Please don’t speak ill of the dead.”

“We had one group try to finish us off, but they didn’t have a car. Running from them’s what got it so banged up until it quit running,” Sasuke offers.

“Have you killed anybody still ali-?”

“Hanabi!”

“What? It’s an honest question!”

“...just one,” Sasuke murmurs.

The car goes quiet.

“...some asshole snuck up on us. Was grappling with my brother. Ran him through with a makeshift spear I’d made. All his hollering brought on the dead...we left him there and made a run for it.”

“...oh man…”

“Sometimes you have no choice. It was him or my brother.”

“...guess you’re right. I’d kill anybody that came after my sister!” She whisks out a pocket knife, pointing it at him with pursed lips.

Sasuke just scoffs humorously. “Trust me, I don’t plan on it. She saved my ass.”

“She did?”

“Yeah. With a shovel. It was badass.”

Hanabi looks wide-eyed to her sister, who seems almost bashful.

Spirits a bit lightened, Sasuke points to a dirt road. “Up there, a few miles in.”

By now the sky is darkening, and he considers the time of day. If these two have far to go, they’ll be drawing zombies like moths to a flame with any headlights. Maybe…

As twilight settles in, they pull up to an old two story farmhouse, a silo and barn nearby.

“Whoa, neat place! Are there any animals?”

“Just a few chickens. Come on, we’ll talk inside.”

From the front door emerges Itachi, watching warily. “...Sasuke?”

“They’re friendly,” he replies, waving a hand. “But if this one pulls out a shovel, start running.”

Hinata gives a weary sigh, suppressing a smile as Hanabi laughs.

“...well all right then,” Itachi agrees, a brow perked.

“She saved my life. They’re here to take a few things to call it even. But I think at this rate, they’d better stay ‘til daylight.”

Hinata frowns. “But -?”

“If you try to make it home in the dark, you might crash...and headlamps will make you way too obvious. We’ve got plenty of room, and we can figure out what I owe you after some sleep.”

“Oh c’mon, ‘nata! This house is awesome!” Hanabi begs, tugging her sleeve.

“Where are you holding up?” Itachi asks politely.

“Firefighter station. It’s a bit out of the way, but pretty secure.”

“The beds are super uncomfy,” Hanabi offers, earning a light laugh from Itachi.

“Well, we’ve not qualms with you remaining for a night. As Sasuke says, leaving now will be trouble either way, a risk you don’t need to take. Besides...it’s been quite some time since we’ve had friendly company.”

“Yeah, us too,” Hinata admits. “If you really don’t mind…?”

“Nah, you’re fine,” Sasuke assures her. “We’ll cook something, then call it a night...hash things out in the morning?”

“Sure.”

Supper is mostly canned foods, the four of them huddled in the kitchen around an old hurricane lamp. Hanabi is soon dozing, Hinata escorting her upstairs.

“This room has two beds - we stick downstairs, so you’ve got it all to yourselves.”

“Thank you...and Sasuke?”

At the threshold of the stairs, he turns back.

“...glad I ran into you.”

He snorts. “Yeah. Literally.”

Giving her own smile in return, Hinata bids him goodnight, shutting the door as he retreats back down the flight.

“Are they settled?”

“Seem to be.”

“I think it best we turn in as well. You look tired.”

“Yeah, well...running for your life’ll do that to you.”

                                                             .oOo.

     ...I think this is my first zombies piece? At least for this challenge, haha - I write it on occasion for RP, but this is my first real fic for it. I should do more!      And yes, it's Hinata wielding the weapon this time around - cuz our girly needs her chances to be the badass she is! I think Sasuke was impressed ;3 And heck yes to sibling duos and alliances.      Anyway, that's it for tonight! A bit early for once, lol - thanks for reading!

[moistwithgender]

Monthly Media Roundup (April 2019)

April was a bit of a disaster month for me, and as such I didn’t get much of anything finished. Old wounds got reopened, I was sick all month, I had an unavoidably bad birthday, and a lifelong pet died. I didn’t engage with a lot of things, and mostly slept. I did play a lot of Breath of the Wild, but seeing as I didn’t finish that, I’m not including it yet. Here’s the things I did finish:

Games:

Blaster Master Zero (Switch): I actually first bought and finished this two years ago, and since the sequel has come out I decided to replay it with the Shovel Knight DLC character. While I genuinely like this game (I 100%’d it both times), I was not really in a good spot to enjoy this playthrough, and just kinda mindlessly pushed through it for nine consecutive hours, beating it in that single sitting. Playing as a DLC character removes the story, which is fine since they’re intended for replays, though I wonder if it added to my emotional disconnect. SK doesn’t receive fall damage, and so the precariousness of navigating the world outside of the highly-mobile tank doesn’t exist nearly as much, though the trade-off is that SK’s combat abilities in dungeons are hindered by an overall lack of range. The game is still rather easy, though, so I can’t say any particular level cadences or combat scenarios carved their way into my memory.

To the game’s credit, though, the things that are good about it are still good. If you have an attachment to the original NES game, or an interest in retro properties, or just want a nice, breezy platformer, it’s very good. It’s interesting in how it repurposes the altered plot of the US version of the original game (where it was its most popular), including even the plot of the little novelization that came out because Gotta Get Those Video Game Kids to Read Something. It has a fake out ending, and if you 100% the maps it unlocks a final map that is genuinely surreal enough to be the highlight of the game. Despite my sighing, it is a genuinely good time, and I’m very curious to play the new game, somewhat hilariously titled Blaster Master Zero 2.

Anime:

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime: I chewed through the last four episodes of this so that I could say I finally finished the season. I didn’t watch the post-season recap episode. TenSura (the abbreviation of the Japanese title, which I will use to refer to it because satisfyingly abbreviating the english title is impossible) is not a very good show, but for about half the length of the 24-episode first season, it fascinates due to how it functions at all. TenSura is an isekai show, much like the other isekai shows, where a person dissatisfied with their life is brutally murdered (usually by a truck. USUALLY by a truck) and is reborn in a fantasy world that coincidentally gives them an absurd advantage over other people, allowing them to live out all the decadence they felt they deserved in the real world. If this sounds like the most boring kind of wish fulfillment possible to you, that’s because it is. It’s also extremely popular with consumers. Which is interesting! I think the isekai boom is indicative of how late-stage capitalism everyday people the world over, that we envision or escape to worlds where your efforts actually return appropriate reward. A bonkers concept, to be sure.

In TenSura, the formula doesn’t stray much. The main character is a man in his 30s (?) who has never fucked and gets knifed to death while HEROICALLY saving a coworker from a plot-irrelevant stabber dude who was running down the sidewalk with his knife out for no reason besides Main Character Needs an Inciting Incident Now. It’s actually pretty weirdly violent for the start to a show that is almost entirely light-hearted. Dude dies, his coworker dumps his hard drive in the bath out of respect (lol), and he wakes up in a fantasy world that works on videogame logic, including loot, skill trees, and class upgrades. He is reborn as an adorable slime a la Dragon Quest, but the personality traits he had in his previous life (and I guess his choice of dying words) scan to obscenely convenient passive abilities that ensure he’s not only invincible, but will never stop experiencing exponential power growth. Also he immediately makes friends with a final boss-level dragon and then eats him. That’s how he makes friends in this sometimes.

I’m being very cynical here, but the core narrative loop (and it IS a loop) of the series kept my interest for longer than I expected. Rimuru (the name of the reborn protagonist) goes somewhere he hasn’t been, astonishes the nearby (sometimes violent) inhabitants with his overpowered abilities, makes friends with them, and then improves their lives with community. Goblins, direwolves, orcs, demon lords. It stacks and builds upon itself to absurd degrees but it’s interesting that in a genre loaded with very problematic stories of disenchanted dudes finally getting the underage harem they’ve always wanted (aaaaAAAAAAAAA) that the main concept of this series is improving the lives of others and giving them closure for the ways life has hurt them. Even if. Sometimes that hurt was the main character’s doing? Like Rimuru absolutely decapitates a direwolf leader and then adopts the pack who from then on absolutely LOVE the dude. Also one of Rimuru’s abilities is that if he gives a monster a name, it class upgrades, which is generally and reasonably seen as a life improvement. Though, these class upgrades are almost always decidedly “less-tribal” or outright human, which smacks of some imperialist thinking. It’s also something I’m sure I never questioned in old videogames growing up. Meanwhile, there’s also a bit with a woman who came from Japan during that one really bad war, you know the one, and the closure she’s given as she’s dying is handled with actual delicacy. It’s a weird series! It’s only a shame to me that after most of the first season, there was less to talk about. Sometime after the halfway mark, you realize the show is never going to maintain tension for more than half an episode, that all problems are solvable (yes, even terminally ill children), and that the show isn’t going anywhere you can’t predict. It’s a checklist show, and the plot points are a list of achievements being checked off one episode at a time.

I don’t think I would actually recommend the show to most people, despite how popular it is. It’s not a great show, but it does weird enough things for a while that it generates conversations. Which is honestly pretty okay. It’s a pretty okay show. Also, Rimuru is effectively nonbinary (with he pronouns), and that’s… somethin’! (24 episodes, finished 4/17/19, Crunchyroll (Funimation also now has the dub I think? Clips I saw were pretty weird, Rimuru seemed to be characterized differently.))

Manga:

Nejimaki Kagyu Vol 1: You would think a manga that immediately starts with a reference to Phantom Blood would be, well, at least interesting.

Okay maybe invoking a beloved work doesn’t actually mean anything. I just wanted to share this blatant callback. Nejimaki Kagyu is a seinen manga about a highschool teacher whose tragically cursed to, uh, have all teenage girls fall in love with him. And the highschool-age childhood friend of his who has spent her whole life obsessed with him and learning super martial arts to defend his chastity. Her supers make her clothes explode.

…

I take no joy in this travesty.

Anyway, uh. The biggest tragedy here is that the art is actually really good, though the paneling is regularly squished around to hilarious degree. Let’s look at some pages and then forget this manga exists forever.

That horror face is how I feel the entire series should be portraying itself. The manga has a distinct lack of self-awareness.

The fan translation for this series appears to have dropped off halfway through and hasn’t been picked up for years, and based on reviews I saw on MAL talking about the directionlessness of the later volumes, I wonder if the translator got fed up with the series. Oh well!

Kyou no Asuka Show Vol 1: Oh god damn it I just got done with talking about a series about ogling the youth.

BLEASE STOP

Okay so. Kyou no Asuka Show, or “Today’s Asuka Show” is an older slice of life manga by the same author I mentioned previously who is doing an edutainment series about people working in a condom factory. Innocently-minded women in comedically lewdish situations appears to be his whole bag. I think Asuka is pretty charming, but I also know she’s designed to appeal to my monkey male gaze. Obliviously sexy is very much a mood, and in a more adult context I would be all for it. There have been a few chapters where I find myself at odds with the wisdom the author is attempting to impart, sometimes through Asuka’s father, who works as an adult photographer, and doesn’t want his daughter involved in anything that could cause her to be ogled. Like, that’s already something that requires a lot of unpacking in the modern day. Aforementioned wisdom sometimes takes the form of Asuka doing something stupid and innocent and ripe for objectifying, like wearing a school swimsuit in a rainstorm. Or she’ll work a job as a cute girl courier and inadvertently turn a shut-ins life around. Situations where, if it were in real life, I’d think “wow that’s weird and charming,” but by being a work of intentional authorship, it inherently loses some of that innocence, and becomes something well-meaning but problematic. Is that the second time I’ve used the word “problematic” in this post? Is this 2014?

I may continue reading this, but I really can’t recommend it to most people I know in 2019 without several disclaimers and also without probably getting some side eye. I think it’s worth a couple chapters to feel out what its doing before you decide whether you can siphon the charm from it, or would rather move on to something else.

Me enjoying myself when this manga tries to suddenly get up to some shit.

Blue Period Vol 1: This is the last thing on my list, because I don’t want to expand this list beyond the three mediums I’ve already assigned to it. Also, I actually finished this May 1st, but I wanted to talk about it now.

If I had the power to actually get people to engage with a specific work once per month, Blue Period would easily be the one I pick. That doesn’t mean as much when all the other things I finished this month were conflicted experiences, but I really think everyone would benefit from this series. Or at least anyone with even a passing interest in visual arts.

Blue Period (named for Picasso’s Blue Period) is about a highschool delinquent who has a knack for studying, a safe social life, and no interests in pretty much anything. He’s on the road to do fine in his life, and he doesn’t question it much, but that’s it, until he discovers art and realizes it’s the only way he’s ever been able to truly communicate his feelings. It changes everything about him, for more emotionally satisfying reasons, but also riskier ones. He only has one year of highschool to go to decide what he’s doing with his life, and Japan has a very strict education system. You’re not really allowed to just “get around” to things.

Apologies in advance if you’re tired of me spamming full pages but I really do wanna show this off. This is another series with an educational angle to it, though the emphasis is definitely more rooted in a personal narrative of growth. The explanations of art practice and the functionality of exercises and tools are both very informative and relevant to the characters, never feeling like the story is taking a backseat to explain. The characters are, hilariously, everyone I’ve ever met in an art class. There’s the kid who would rather exclusively draw the things they like, there’s the kid who likes art as a hobby but haaaates being given a project, etc etc. There are students who have an innate grasp on how to draw but haven’t internalized the Why of the exercises, and students who are receptive to the lessons but don’t have the ability to match. The narrative is extremely even-handed towards all of these different levels of skills, and places a lot more importance on why, emotionally, you should totally care about drawing apples and water pitchers for five hours at a time. It’s GREAT and I want to force it on every creative I’ve ever known.

Another thing I appreciate about this series so far is that while there has been something resembling sexual/romantic tension, it’s kind of not like that at all? In the first volume I haven’t been able to pinpoint where a potential relationship subplot would go, if at all. Two possibilities are this girl:

...who is a very likable character but surprisingly doesn’t fit into that box of “standard love interest”. The protag’s interactions with her have been exclusively respectful and admiring, which doesn’t even necessarily imply a romantic subplot, but would be pretty cool if it did? And the other girl:

...who is featured in decidedly more sexual tension-y contexts, is actually TRANS. The manga actually portrays them so uncompromisingly feminine that I didn’t realize they were crossdressing (the term used in the text) until the author’s notes at the end of the volume. I will partially blame this on me being out of it this month, since I just went back to their introduction and yep, they got misgendered and contested it. Given how the character is regularly framed (confident, attractive, skilled, nonstereotypical), I’m… pretty okay with this! If a romance blooms between a delinquent boy and a trans girl, that’s amazing.

I hope y’all understand where I’m coming from in expecting a shoehorned romantic subplot. I’m not hoping for one, I just know the product by now. And if it happens, the options are considerably more interesting than usual.

These are pretty good kids.

Manga licensing is a lot better nowadays than it ever was before, with lots of obscure series being picked up, old series getting re-localized, and translations being better than ever. I really really want this series to get licensed so someone can be compensated for it, and so more people might read it. Until then, I think you should look up the fan work.

---

So that’s all for April. If these posts included live-action movies, I’d have talked about Endgame, but I also don’t want to go spoiling anything for someone who still wants to go see that (it’s probably one of my favorite MCU movies, though). I read most of 1970-71 in Marvel comics, or at least most of the issues on my reading list, but I semi-liveblog about those, so you can just search my “curry reads comics” tag for that. Here’s hoping I have more interesting, more positive things to say about May in a month. I expect to finish Breath of the Wild by then, so I’ll finally talk about that. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far! Go check out Blue Period.

[atfauomo]

Im sorry Im barely on here anymore hghghghh

Backstory: aTFAUomo Tesarus in a Messatine mine shaft, now colored! Soooo, not super satisfied with this piece. And so, after hours of working on this, Im done. Just going to take the L and move on. I don't care enough to not post it, I’ve been taking a lot of L’s this year already, it just this one has a tangible reward sooo lol. There was a good idea behind this, its just I have a problem with bringing it to life.

Yes there are problems with this art and story but idc. Im so burnt out it doesnt matter anymore lol.

So basic premise? Time is right before “The War”. Tesarus is a Destic, or a being created using a stolen Cybertronian spark, with vis purpose being to the will of vis imperial creator without agency. Ve was given sapience if ve took part in a revolt, and after so was betrayed by those ve saved, and sent to the miner prison planet Messatine. At this point, ve had made an unlikely reliance with criminals Rumble and Frenzy, and has good standing with the other miners, Cybertronian and alien alike. The planet is being attacked, so all the prisoners decide to make a break for it, Tesarus trapped in a cave.

Characterwise, Tesarus thinks a lot more than talks, as a good chunk of vis life ve had no ability to talk. Ve actually thinks quite eloquently, but ve never seems like it and always seems absent. When not depersonalizing, ve comes off as simple minded and crude with a dark sense of humor. Ve is mostly just unsure about vis place as a Cybertronian, and whether ve counts as one, or if anything matters.

Story:

Shards of crystal and stone showered down throughout the entire cavern, careening off of Tesarus like hail.  The shards’ impact created little sparks and scratches all over vis body, but that was the least of vis worries. The ground shook and heave with every boom from the surface, threatening to crack the entire planet in two. Sparks of light shot down from above, incinerating several crystal clusters into toxic ashes. Tesarus stood stiffly, gazing up and down of the cavern.

A sharp metallic noise went through vis communication waves, audibly assaulting ver with a painful sound.

“You MORON!” a voice weezed.  “This whole planet is collapsing into itself and you are actually trapped? Did your heavy tank self broke the floor or somethi--”

“Pipe down you slagging piece of minimetal! Just help me out here!”

“What’s the problem guzzler?”

“Well, there is a war on this planet, I'm stuck in a cave, I'm stuck talking to the squeakiest bot of all time--”

“You dumbass just tell me what is the color of the crystals in the cave right now!”

Tesarus scanned the area.  “Okay, there are faded...pink?...clouds and dark purple gas flowing…crystals are of the same color...”

Groans filled the other side of the com. “Those are unstable unnutrium-energonistic--”

“Enough babbling Frenzy how do I get out?”

“I was talking! Yeesh, anyway, just...I know this is hard for a bumbling buffoon as yourself, but do your best to lightly step towards your northside. Try to avoid the purple gas--”

Tesarus looked to the gas clouds that filled the cave.

“--as that will slowly dissolve different tiny pieces in your frame, worse so if you have small cuts.  Naturally, avoid the crystals, especially prolonged contact. They burn.  But whatever happens, don’t mix the affected area with the opposite color of gas.”

“....what?”

“HURRY UP IDIOT!!”

Tesarus slowly stepped from step to step. All the sudden, a large blue flash exploded into the cave. As flash dissipated, the cave filled with a sparking magenta light. Sparks appeared, as Tesarus could feel tiny prickles of static upon his frame. Tesarus saw an opening to the chaotic scene above.

Tesarus jumped to the surface. As if on cue, the whole cavern turned bright and caved in. Tesarus gathered vis wits and the wheezy voice spoke.

“Hey you jumped too close you guzzler!” piped out a tiny red and black minicon.

“Shut up Frenzy you know that I hate--Wait Frenzy?” Ve cocked vis head and smirked. “Which one is Rumble? The geeky black and red one or the not-that-bad blue one?”

The minicon’s hands turned into drills. “Oh SHUT UP TESARUS you KNOW WHO THIS IS! I OUGHTA JUST LEFT YOU THERE YOU OVERGROWN GUZZLER PIECE OF--!”

“You BOTH come ON we don’t have time for dumb metal smacking!” yelled a blue minicon.

Tesarus grumbled and grabbed both minicons and ran as the ground rose and fell under battery fire. The once desolate planet was now a rising sea of explosions and rocks.

“There it is Tesarus, the shipping dock! Head to it!” yelled Rumble.

From the chaos, an imposing sleek building held its ground. Avoiding various chasms, Tesarus took a leap and made it to the building’s entrance.  

Ve waved vis huge fists in the air, wiping out the security drones without so much as a glance, tearing through the fortified strongholds of the ships as easily as air. Ve felt a sick rush from it all, despite vis own ligaments disintegrating bolt by bolt.  

Frenzy screeched. “Hey! You almost threw that crumpled up drone at me!”

“Oh shit well sorry that there is toxic gas seeping through my systems!”  

Frenzy directed the two to the largest ship possible and ran.

Frenzy made quick work of the ship’s security measures, and soon all the ships were up and running. Ve ran inside and Rumble followed suit, Tesarus thankful for not having to bend down for once.

The minicon ran to the front of the ship, pressing all kinds of buttons and speaking all kinds of languages over the intercoms.  Miners from all over were piling into the now open ships, lifting into the air. It was a sight, the ships that took them in suddenly lifted into the air ina spark stopping speed, as beacons of light, the night sky filled with dark blue and orange streams as they raced away from their prison.

Tesarus was in awe. Various ships did complex turns and strikes against enemies, the world filled with a destructive yet freeing light. Ve had never seen anything like it.

Rumble cackled, breaking Tesarus from vis trance. “Okay you easily impressed trash heap, stick out your arm.” Tesarus did so, vis hand easily being larger than the bot and vis twin combined. Rumble took some mental notes and rummaged around the ship and returned. Ve stuck vis tiny hands with all kinds of attachments, of tiny lasers and tiny drills and other tiny things. Rumble swiftly moved from various sections of Tesarus’ frame, lastly hopping to the side. “So move around Tessy and see how ya feel.”

Tesarus stood, looming over the makeshift mechanic.  “Holy shit you two really do know things!”

“Well, I knew a bot….” Rumble’s voiced trailed off, and for a second ve seemed to be somewhere else. Suddenly, ve straightened verself and smirked.  “Well, I need to make a few more adjustments. But this should hold for a bit until we can get some more experienced hands here. I am actually suprised that Frenzy here actually was able to fly this thing!”

“I told you morons that I was hella smart! Why did you think I got locked up here in the first place? Where else would they put the finest decoder in all of Cybertron? In the dirt!”

Frenzy dramatic took a deep lean into vis pilot’s chair and sighed, putting vis dusty pedes onto the dashboard.  “Technology such as this is mere sparkling play for me!”

“This is the opportunity Megatron couldnt even dream of happening! This is even better! This is the perfect chance! ”

Tesarus tiled vis head. “What is that supposed to mean?

Frenzy lept form vis chair and went up to Tesarus. “ You dumbass! WE did all of this, all on our own! WE are a part of this epic story! Dont you see? WE heading back to Cybertron!”

Frenzy smirked. “Rumble you stupid ass Tesarus boyo here has never been to Cybertron!”

Tesarus wrinkled vis face. “...Cybertron?”, ve said uncomfortably.

Frenzy got up from vis chair and looked to Tesarus. “Uhh...Dont you worry too much! Bunch of weird bots from other places like you escape and go to Cybertron and dont get deactivated!”

The giant tensed at the last word. Ve thought ve felt that ve wa being deactivated on multiple occasions, but ve never felt so close to it as ve was heading towards vis home planet.

All the sudden, Rumble sheepishly grinned and looked to the side. “Or at least thats what we’ve heard!”

Frenzy butted in” Im sure you arent the biggest piece of scrap theve ever seen--Though with your track record??” Frenzy quipped. “Hmmmm. You are on your own for that one!”

“Fren--”

“I mean all I ever did was crash the place’s electronic systems, I never like, murdered a whole--”  

“Frenzy!!”

Frenzy sighed. “Well, I mean, you always said that you wished you were deactivated, so this would be perf--”

“Frenzy thats enough!!” Rumble hissed.

Silence ensued.

“Okay okay, sorry my guy Ill shaddup now!!” Frenzy sighed and dropped to vis seat. Ve popped open a tank quality energon cube much larger than verself and drank and immediately passed out.

Rumble slid off vis protective goggles and looked to Tesarus. “Well, I never was the one for niceities but...Dont mind ver, ve’s just an asshole! Im sure that you’ll be...okay?” Rumble went awkwardly back to work as Tesarus placed vis gaze onto the view outdoors, looking at the dtstant stars and galaxies ahead.

Cybertron was just a myth to all Destics.  Cybertron, the homeland, the place from whence their sparks were stolen and sold to do the work of the lowly or corrupt. Cybertron, the supposed paradise that supposedly held open arms to its lost sparks to join back in society. Cybertron, the place had let its arms open for sparks to be lost.

But what did such a place have to do with someone like Tesarus? Ve didn’t even look like ve belonged anywhere, and ve couldn’t play like ve did like Frenzy and Rumble. Ve stuck out as easily as a Guardian Bot, vis own makeshift spark sending out its bastard sparkwaves to all around it.

This wasn’t the first time that Tesarus felt that sense of the unknowing freedom. It happened so long ago back on Tesarui Eva, that moment sealed with the treachery of the one who taught ver how to feel, with ver in chains and crushing torment, waking in the unforgiving Messatine. But now it was actually happening, ve can see as the planet’s surface began to look not as a warzone but as just a cloudy dust speck in the distance of space, and ve began to imagine how vis messed up speck of a spark would appear to those in its sight.

[theworldsoul]

notes for the doctors at 3pm dec 1

sorry for putting such personal info on my tumblr, but i currently am having technical difficulties and have nowhere else 2 put this. 

ANYWAYS 

how the meds make me feel: 

10MG: TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST i didnt manage to sober up until enough time had passed that i had just switched my dosage from 10MG to 20MG, so i really cant speak for how 10MG made me feel. I WAS HIGH THE ENTIRE TIME SO IDK. theres no nice way to say this, but i just really love tripping absolute balls,,, but its not SUSTAINABLE. yknow? my grades tanked big time. I only managed sobriety when it was forced upon me and NOW, as much as i want to get high, i know it isnt sustainable. it hurts others and im tired of feeling like IM the problem. not like my brain, but ME. and i wanna be a man and im currently clean because i WANT TO BE,  but also because being forced off it opened my eyes;... and shut them all at once. My dad says i was “more jubilant” when i was on 10MG. OF COURSE I WAS MORE JUBILANT, I WAS BLASTED OUT OF MY MIND ON FUCKING!!!!!!!! DRUGS!!!!!!

ok next order of bizness: HOW THE MEDS MAKE ME FEEL: PART TWO SHARKNADO MOTHERFUCKERS!!! the motherfucking SEQUELLLLLLLL 

sorry im writing weird im kinda riding this weird high rn i almost feel weed-happy. but im not on weed. LOL its cos of my friends and dad like PEOPLE LIKE ME and i do art art and music makes me happyyyy

ok BUSINESS. 

20MG: nothing feels different. the only differences noted are as follows:

* reality struggles. i understand things are real but there is an emotional dissonance, a FOG. also i dont totally believe in objective reality lol. every news headline i read feels like it should be in the onion... not real life. examples covid vaxes and variants, astroworld, tim hortons justin bieber collab, living robots that can reproduce??? russia invading ukraine. MOSTLY COVID SHIT THO. IT FEELS SO ARTIFICAL AND FORCED INTO EXISTENCE AND I REALLY THINK THERES AN EVIL MOTIVE BEHIND IT. just saw a dog on the tl and i swear it looked fake.  but its my friends dog... this hurts a lot and i want to get rid of it, but also im afraid to get rid of it becos well, LOOK AT THE SITUATION IM IN!!! look at all the DAMAGE!! im afraid that if it feels FULLY real, ill never be able to cope. its too sad. im a living tragedy.

* i feel like im annoying and i put too much stress on everyone. maybe thats not the meds tho maybe i AM just seeing truth

*i havent self harmed in a while or really felt much need to except a few times i felt it but didnt do much (no scarring) (like biting my hand or banging my head on the wall) however this doesnt happen often enough to be of concern.

*i dont feel bad REALLY... the reality struggles make me feel OFF and down often to the point that happiness, true happiness is a LUXURY,,, but i dont feel that bad either. like i used to get level 10 sad EVERY FUCKING DAY and now i only get there when triggered by an event or i have to pass a BLOCK to get there

*BLOCKS! a block is like a state in between sadness and normalness. it feels numb and no matter what you do, it is extremely irritating to stay on the block for too long/ I WILL ATTACH AN ILLUSTRATION EXPLAINING BLOCKS

*triggered by an event: events still upset me disproportionately. for example, i took pics of my chem test RESULTS to take home and study which is uhh not allowed but i wasnt sneaky enough so the teacher noticed and she was all IAN WHAT R U DOING and i... i get like this every time an adult is mad with me. even a little bit, even if theyre right. she had to check my phone annd she aint mean shes nice but i just,,, lost all desire to be looking at my test and shit and i just put it back barely even looking at it and ran out the door down the hall and locked myself in the bathroom and sank down to my butt and sat there with my head in my knees and cried pathetically about how i didnt belong there and im an artist not a fucking chemist (the test said 50 percent lol) and i slammed my head hard against the wall twice or three times then i cried some more eventually i felt i had been in there too long so i just said benedicts prayer until i felt okay enough to face the world again then i left to class like if nothing had happened. I stress this reaction was INAPROPRIATTE. i panicked so hard over nothing. im a child 

*ex 2 grinch hat and stuffed animal leo the bear 

*i feel SUPER SAD as i type this rn but its in and out cos sometimes as soon as i begin to accept and acknowlegde my sadness it gets a block. blocks are sometimes helpful so i can keep composure but sometimes frustrating because once you crack the block too much you have no choice but to push through completely or feel unsatisfied

*i feel like i would be so much happier on weed but IM NOT ALLOWED WEED plus it tanks my chem grade

*i often find myself with nobody to talk to,,, no friends to chat with. i have many friends but i dont see them much, aand i often feel as though my newer friends do not actually like me. maybe they think im annoying and childish. my chem lab partner asked me if it was chill if she worked with this smart girl Violet. i said yeah sure and acted unbothered, and i was proud of myself for finishing the titration alone, but it sorta hurt my feelings. she always acts so cool and above all and she goes “mhmm” when i try to make her laugh and it makes me feel stupid and annoying/... and sol is always hanging with these other kids that arent my wavelength at ALL,,, and today i waited for him and one of the other kids to  pack their shit at the end of the first class cos usually we leave class together and talk in the hallways as we walk to our next classes... but to my surprise he stared at me like i wwas being weird and said “sooo ill be seeing u later?” which is just code for “why r u still here” and i said sorry hahah yeah see u tommorow :) and acted unbothered but actually when i left i saw him walking with the other kid and it felt like... idk. NOBODY VIBES WITH ME. NOBODY WANTS TO BE MY FUCKING FRIEND. all my juniour high friends are my friends and thats all i have.... all my friends can easily leave me and talk to someone less annoying but i dont have that luxury, and it breaks my heart really that my new highschoolfriends would rather hang out with anyone other than me. i wish that other kid wasnt there because he always takes all of sols attention and doesnt leave any for me, and that SOUNDS really bad but the truth is I thrive when paid attention to. i dont like to go too long without talking to people cos it makes me feel invisible. 

im miserable. please help me. ive let God down and ive let my parents down. im a failure. im the worst and i dont belong here.

up the dosage or some shit please, it hurts so bad. im sad level 10 rn... in a lot of pain. and my head hurts from bashing it against the wall.

[saintkimora]

well i finally found time to type this all up so! here is the story of how last last friday and saturday night went (not the ones from this weekend but the weekend before so like a week and a half ago). it isnt really a nice story but it is significant. first part is tristan then joel then tristan again, the tristan parts are good but the joel part is pretty bad. this is only part 1 btw! sorry @ that one anon a few days ago bc this might make you even more mad lmao

first part: tristan! so on friday i was in the library holding an online eboard meeting for gsa and tristan (the first guy i talked to for a while then hooked up with like 2 years ago and last christmas eve) was apparently studying in nexus which is the building next door to the library. and he sent me a snap (it was clearly the type you send to a lot of people it wasnt like an individual one) of him captioned i hate studying so i sent him one saying i hate planning events bc thats what i was doing. so we snapped back and forth for a while and then the library closed so i was leaving and he was like “come say hi to me in nexus” so i was like ok! 

so i went and sat across the table from him and we talked for like an hour and a half and it was so nice! hes v good to talk to but our conversation dynamic was kinda similar to me and joel’s dynamic so that was interesting. he called me my voice cute at the beginning bc i was like “sorry if i sound weird im a little congested today” and he was like “no you sound like you always do, its cute” so i was like hm so then we talked and caught up and it was very good conversation! then at one point after asking how i was in general he was like “so how are you doing....romantically” and i told him how i was with someone rn but i was kinda having some issues and he was like oh ok and i asked him and he said hes looking but its hard bc people keep ghosting him so i was like aw :/ (but on the inside i was like well thats what you get for ghosting me all those years ago lmao) 

also at one point i told him i go to the gym now so i have a little bit of muscle and he was like “yeah haha sure” and i was NOT about to take that so i was like “i can show you right now if you want” (i was wearing a tank and a zip up hoodie) so i took off one hoodie sleeve revealing my arm and i flexed and he was shook he was like “oh wow you werent kidding, thats actual progress” and i was like ha

after an hour and a half he had to go meet his friends or something so i went home. overall it was super nice! i loved talking to him so later that night i just sent him a nice text thanking him for spending time w me and saying how much i enjoyed it and then he thanked me for keeping him company and said he really enjoyed catching up so that was nice! then later that night things took a turn for the worst.....

so at this point it was friday night and joel and i were texting as usual, we were having a nice convo and were making jokes and what not. then after i asked about his day he texted me this “its fine but i just got another fucking email from slut A and im over it” and i was like “slut A......” and he was like “fucking tinamarie” (the girl who always causes trouble for his theatre club that gets him really pissed off even though it really isnt that serious) and i was like “yeah i figured but did you really need to call her that” and he was like “if youre literally gonna criticize every single word i say then im just gonna stop talking” so then i apologized like 3 times but he left me on read and didnt talk to me for the rest of the night

so! the second i read that final text i had like......a panic attack? or something? idk but it was a mess i got soooooooo cold instantly like i put on sweats socks a hoodie and 2 blankets and i was still trembling and my teeth were chattering so hard i couldnt even talk bc it just came out as gibberish and my toes were numb and my heart was beating fast and you know all that good stuff. i texted several hunties but none of them answered so i decided to text tristan! he was v nice and he comforted me and talked me through it which i appreciated. but like getting that text reminded me so much of the texts i would get from caleb so it just made all those feelings come rushing back and it was v overwhelming but i wasnt about to call joel about it bc he was already mad at me and i was scared i was gonna make it worse

about an hour later i sent him a long text saying how sorry i was bc he wanted to vent to me and i shut him down when i shouldve just taken his side and stuff bc i wanted to try to fix the situation. half of it was lies though like i was not sorry for what i did at all bc he should not be calling this tinamarie girl that! he didnt read that text until the next morning but even after he didnt respond. he was def still awake when i sent it though bc i saw him active on fb messenger slightly afterwards. anyways the next day tristan texted me again to check on me and see if i heard from joel which i hadnt by that point but i really appreciated that he went through the effort of doing that! joel and i had plans to go to the mall that day so i texted him around 4pm (this is saturday now) saying i hope his auditions went well and asking if he wouldve still liked to go to the mall w me. he said he wasnt feeling up for it bc hes tired and i was like not up for the mall or not up for me and he was like just the mall, you can come over instead. so i went over and brought him popeyes bc he was hungry and we hung out and watched dragula and talked and it was like a completely normal day so i was a little surprised he didnt bring up the events of last night. so like 3 eps into dragula s1 i asked him if he could pause it so we could talk so he did and this is where things got worse

so i was like “so....how are you feeling about what happened last night?” and he was like “well it was fucking annoying because i wanted to vent to you and you tried to school me, im already socially conscious, i know its wrong but it was the first thing that came to mind at the time” and i was like “well if you are mad at a woman and your first instinct is to call her that then that might be a problem” and he was like “can i be a fucking human?” like ???????????????? the STUPIDEST excuse like that makes no sense! you can be human without saying misogynistic things like.....annoying. he just had soooo many excuses he was like “oh its ok bc i would never actually say that to her face” like...ok great to know that being socially conscious is just a performative thing for you! if you only do it in public but are still problematic in private then like...whats the point

he was also like “it may seem like a small issue that isnt important to you but her emails are actually a huge problem. YOU wouldnt know since your organization isnt as involved, but her actions affect every area of the organization so its stressful to deal with her” like heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeereeeee we go again idk why he always tries to drag my gsa for no reason. i didnt even say he couldnt be stressed or angry with her i just said he shouldnt call her what he did! 

so now for when it got personal. so i told him i was like “i know you were mad and wanted to cool off so i wasnt gonna force you to talk to me, but it wouldve been nice if you just sent me a text like ‘oh perry im mad and dont wanna talk rn, i need some space ill talk to you later’ instead of just ignoring me for the rest of the night” and he was like “well i didnt have time i had too much going on with the organization” and i was like “i mean it takes 10 seconds to send a text” and he was like “well i didnt want to” OH so now the truth comes out! and then he was like “i was already stressed out with the email so then its like ‘oh now i have to deal with perry too’” and like..............that was really hurtful bc literally the main reason i rarely ever bring up any issues i have to him is bc hes already so stressed with everything else and i want to be a source of happiness in his life not another source of stress so im afraid to bring things up bc i dont want to add to his stress and be another thing that he has to “deal with” so like, he literally vocalized the exact reason im afraid to talk to him about these things so its just confirmed my suspicions and now i feel even worse about bringing up any issues i have with him 

i didnt tell him about the panic attack yet but i did say “well i mean im sure you can tell i was upset, since i sent you a long ass apology text an hour after the convo ended. and if it was the other way around and i knew you were upset about something i said i wouldve dropped everything and called you right away to fix the issue” and he said.............. “well im not gonna prioritize you” like.... !!!!!!!!!!!!! ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! great! we already knew i was at the bottom of his priority list but at least now he basically admitted it :/ i was just like well ok

that is the end of part 1 bc im splitting up this post lol