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So yall remember how I promised I was done with Sherlock like five years ago oh you do good because I made a word vomit about s4 click here or don’t because Idk how this happened I don’t have anything new to add it’s literally all the same crap that we have all seen already from mofftiss. Or at least was until the third episode because boy was that really fucked up or whaaaat??????????????

under the cut also spoilers or whatever. ↓ sorry mobile users :^)

I procrastinated 4 weeks watching the new eps. Yesterday I saw new cute fanart and was warmed and energized by my love for Sherlock Holmes *stops to wipe a tear* and found the willpower to sit through them. Initially I hoped that I’d be able to just enjoy the shittiness of it all. That I’d finally managed to break my emotional ties with this series (burning love for season 1 to deep disappointment in the rest) Still wrote a rant nobody asked for. And to the person who convinced me to finish this: fuck you this took me all night now im tired and feel stupid abt this but it’s too late to backpedal so fuck it.

EP 1:

And there went my fun bc the first episode ended up being so... bland. Plot was rushed and pointless. I laughed at one joke. The rest of them were so embarrassing, oh my god. The “lol sherlock is awkward” gag is so old and tired. And his characterization is all over the place. Like.... I don’t even know what to say. I’m not a film critic, I’m not here to say what I just said, I came here to laugh at stupid shit and be offended as a Holmes fan.

But I started a rant and so I shall do because the second half of the episode actually gave me two reasons: There is one thing that I judge harshly in every Holmes adaptation, and that is how they treat their Watson. And there’s one thing that really bothers me about this series, and that is Mary. All of her. This had both problems.

Summary: So Sherly is off the hook for shooting a guy in the face in the last episode bc he’s needed to solve shit for the government. He then proceeds to be a huge dick to everyone. The Watsons successfully have a baby and it’s small and cute and all. The three (four) of them go off to solve crimes but everyone keeps shitting on John and we get this really weird Mary x Sherlock episode. Then one of Mary’s ex-co-assassins turns up wanting to kill her because of some misunderstanding. That crap is solved (with guns) and we are again assured that her history as a secret killer agent is in no way a problem and everyone loves her unconditionally. Then at the conclusion of the case some more guns are involved and Mary jumps in front of a bullet to save Sherlock and kicks the bucket. rip.

I admit I’ve never had much interest in Mary in any adaptation. (Dumb personal preference. please I don’t wanna fight anyone over this, I do understand her importance.) Not because I think her a ship breaker or anything. I’m fine with her being involved. But she usually just kinda exists in the background. And ends up being disposed at some point This show tried to involve her properly but they made it so complicated. There’s no way to make her backstory fit comfortably into the setting. Not with John and Sherlock being more or less regular people. I don’t want to sympathize with her assassin ass. Again, my personal problem probably. But watching an episode centered around her was not fun.

I don’t mind them being a trio, but with this Mary the group is unbalanced. She’s too sassy and smart. Like having two Sherlocks. And considering what a charmer he is in this show...... brings us back to the problem I mentioned first. Which tbh existed before. Everyone’s really terrible towards John all the time! Still, after 4 seasons. I get that he’s supposed to be the normal dude who reacts to all the crazy shit happening around but.... He’s constantly being lied to, kidnapped, dismissed, manipulated and provoked into violence. My enjoyment of all things Holmes comes pretty much from the beautiful broship. But nooo, that’s too lame for this series, no homo.

I don’t wanna go too deep into that, it was talked about enough last season (“Is everyone I know a psychopath??”, “Why is everything always my fault??” & other Moffatty Stories). They do kinda try to convey how shitty this all is for John but it falls really flat. And that is so weird and frustrating because this show doesn’t actually suffer from a bad Watson like many others. They just don’t let him be a competent character. Meanwhile the person Sherlock is being besties with is Mary. Idk if they were trying to pander to the female audience or make her inevitable death sadder, but that was really weird.

I was happy to be rid of her in the end. Again, not in “hated the bitch” kinda way. That’s just the best course for the story to take. In that moment I had hope in the writers of this godforsaken mess. (Then her ghosting and becoming the fucking narrator later on ruined it.) It was dramatic and sad and all but they made that too all about Sherlock. And his angst. John’s been completely pushed aside?? And as rare as it is, I actually really like the single-dad-watson -trope. But you gotta let the man have some screen time

I just spent several paragraphs politely rambling when all I wanted to say was that Mary is terrible and I don’t like her and Sherlock is being a dick and I don’t like that either and the episode was boring

Time to list the good thing eyyyyy:

1. They gave John a new hairstyle for the season and it looks really good!

2. Yet another shitty dingy plastic skeleton in a serious crime drama. I 100% unironically love these to death no pun inteded

3. I was gonna write that I still actually really like Cucumberboy and he’s still very pretty but it took the episode 15 seconds for Sherlock’s personality to be too annoying for that to help lol

4. Yeah that’s all, it wasn’t great.

EP 2:

Now, looking at my summary you probably would not believe it, but God help me I had so much fun watching this one. Looking back, the plot is garbage. But how this was shot and acted out was exactly the kind of “so weird it’s funny” content I had been waiting for. I was in tears by the end if it. Most of it might have been late night hysteria I admit, but now afterwards it doesn’t matter. The episode is ridiculous, loud and energetic and idk how I’m gonna express that in a positive light the middle of a long ass complaint post. I’m not gonna say that this was the best episode off the three, I’ll just say I had the most fun watching it. Biggest minus points are for having to look at sherlock’s ginger teenstache through the entirety of it.

Summary: John is sad bc his wife is dead. And he keeps seeing and hearing Mary everywhere he goes. And we need her ghost to narrate the plot for us. But that’s not important. Because Sherlock is even sadder cos he feels responsible for her death. John wants nothing to do with him so Sherlock angsts alone, does a lot of unspecified drugs and spends the rest of the episode shouting at things coked off his tits. Then he makes a big show from trying prove that some rich famous old dude is a cereal serial killer, because the old bastard’s daughter visited Sherlock to tell him about her suspicions. But she was also sad and suicidal so they spent a lovely night walking out and talking about feelings. Or did they??????? *dun dun dunnn* Don’t do drugs, kids. Nobody believes him because he’s weird and high. Sherly is then convinced that he’s actually going mad, then tries to murder someone again, then gets beaten up by John again, then almost gets mudered again and somehow the bad guy still gets caught they get a happy ending from all of that.

And in the end it was ~all part of a plan~ bc mary told sherlo that if she were to die, he had to make himself as miserable as possible to guiltrip john into saving him to make him feel better about himself or some shit because we can’t have john having any control over his life now can we what the fuck.

Now, I understand that a drama about a super smart people like has to have some elaborate plotting going on that is all revealed in the end, but this show has a really fucked up obsession with it. Everything is according to plan, everything that is going to happen Sherlock already knew weeks ago. That really sucks the fun out of the story and makes the actions of all the other characters meaningless. Previous episode even had a whole thing about how predeterminism is bad, you are not listening to your own advice!

Yeah the original story of the Dying Detective was kinda fucked up. Culverton Smith (the shitty old dude) was some asshat who went around poisoning people. Holmes pretended that he became one of his victims and that was dying in order to get a confession from Smith. Then he lied to Watson about this all because reasons and used him as a just pawn in the plot. Not his finest moment, but in right hands has lots of potential as fuel for some angst. I don’t know why I’m bringing this up. It’s not like team mofftiss knew how to use any of that. Gotta say I’m not really feeling the canon references anyway. Either they are relevant to the plot, meaning they make the stupid twists even easier to guess, or they they are just awkwardly forced in “we just wanted someone to say this name, look at us we read the books” kinda of things ://

I took a lot of notes while watching this but now that I look at them I can’t really separate single things comment on. The show is trying too hard at everything it does and ends up being an all around fuck up. Middle of the night is also not the time for writing these, I’ve got nothing.

MMMMmmgood things listing!:

1. I really appreciate them hiring that one weird looking fucker to play Culverton! He keeps popping up in films and such and I’ve kinda wanted to see him play a holmes villain! He was fun!

2. Had some fun cinematography, especially for sherls’ deduction making pantomime

3. Sherlock’s a fun character to beat up and make cry ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

and no no no no no no please don’t bring irene back

.....oh good you just needed to mention her because no homo.

(actually I can’t leave my jab at that. because that wasn’t a suble no homo, that was sherly straight up gettin told straight dude to another -talk how he needs to get together with her specifically in order to be happy. and that was the most forced and desperate scene I’ve ever seen and I’m not gonna let that slide)

4. irene didnt do a comeback

EP:3

Summary:

*takes a deep breath*

Sherlock finds out he secretly has a younger sister who is a total psychopath (hi moffat). She looks like the creepy woman from The Ring and she’s locked in a super secret mental hospital slash prison in the middle of the sea because she did terrible things when she was a child and is supernaturally intelligent and super dangerous because she’s able to take control of anyone who talks with or gets too close to her. So she’s secretly in control of the whole facility of course. We had already seen her in several disguises in previous 2 episodes (I’m so bad at remembering faces, I fall for all twists where they have one actor play several roles) and Sherlock doesn’t remember her because he was so traumatized when she killed his beloved dog when they were little kids. We get some flashbacks about the Holmes siblings’ childhood and then the sister locks Sherlock, John and Mycroft in a Jigsaw kinda game / psychological experiment, which they have to pass by solving puzzles and killing several people. And it was all because she was so much smarter than everyone else in the goddamn universe so she was lonely and saaaaad.

........

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I... know this show was not supposed to be a crime drama anymore but.....

whaaaaaaaaaa...?

that was straight up a shitty horror flick. how.... did this happen....? who was it that was so salty that they didn’t get to work on Saw? I hope all the east wind references to the last Holmes story and the name of the episode actually mean that this show dies here because where do you fucking go from there? Like.... not to add to their charming mental institution plotline but that was absolute insanity.

2/10, have read better fuck or die fics before. with much less no homo. (I swear I didn’t even watch this shit in search of homo, this show has started overcompensating. hard.) spent half of this giggling madly like the 2nd episode and half barely looking at the screen out of secondhand embarrassment for the shitty “shoot me” “no shoot me” dialogue

(though: not gonna lie, really liked the reveal at the end when it turns out it wasn’t actually Sherlock’s dog the sister had fucked up, but lil six year old Victor Trevor )

(oh my god! Remember how people used to joke about the “old friend of mine” skull above the fireplace being Trevor??)

fucking hell

Oh yeah and of course no one important dies and then the whole thing ends with “All the sister needed was love and then everyone is friends again and it’s just like the good old times *coughseasononecough*. John and Sherlock are back to living together and now they are dads no homo tho and they gonna go and solve fun crimes and do detective shit again. A pretty violin cover of the theme song plays and we all ignore ghost mary’s terrible cheesy narration over it” all of which should have happened three episodes ago!!! this whole season was pointless.