#anyway i'm also afraid of losing friends bc i do all the time. people stop interacting with me or just think i'm not doing enough

[sibelin]

i can't be positive about anything these days, maybe i shouldn't blog when i'm like that

[phosphorus-noodles]

u there. get questioned. 4, 5, 10, 14, 16, 17, 18, 40, 41, 46, 53, 56 (that's a lot so feel free to leave some out but tell me all about ur boys !!!)

AERIE ILY SM FOREVER !!! /P

*cracks knuckles* okok so-

4. What’s a hobby they used to have that they miss?

Hmm… Joel likes to do art, and I bet he used to make his own paint too from berries and whatnot. He probably stopped when he found out those plants were coming from his kingdom’s Worst Enemy Ever (this was before he knew Oli) and now he doesn’t remember how to do it right, otherwise he’d absolutely get back into it.

Oli's goofy with hobbies bc he's ADHD-coded /lh, so if he finds a new one he'll just disappear for days and forget society exists for a little while. He likes to play music and used to perform for his parents all the time when he was little, but as he got older and they got more busy he played less because he *needs* that audience to really enjoy it... he'd love to play more for Joel, but he's a little shy about it 👉👈

5. Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about to make it happen?

Well Joel is always on the verge of tears anyway (/hj), so like... maybe not on command, but he can be set over the edge fairly easily (he's just good at hiding it around most people)

Oli absolutely can cry on command, he's a theatre kid smh. He'll tell people he thinks about dropping a cake facedown on the ground or dead puppies or something, but he's really thinking about losing his best friend, especially after his parents are gone :(

10. What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?

Oh Joel will 100% tell you everything he knows about sniffers in a heartbeat 😭 he got that animal kid autism y'know /aff

Oli isn't as "fact-oriented," but if he's with Joel and also someone else then he'll put Joel on blast, who just blasts him back like--

"Hey! Did you know Joel sneezes if you poke him in the ribs?" -> ">:0 well, did you know Oli makes a funny sound if you scratch behind his ears?!" -> "Hah! Did you know Joel is afraid of heights?!" -> "Did you know you can put Oli to sleep by rubbing his nose like a baby?! >:("

14. How do they put out a candle?

Oli's the kinda guy to do the pinching thing tbh. He's gotta do it with flare~ ✨

Joel just blows it out, but Oli always teases him like "why don't you just flap your wings to put it out lol??" Joel says it's because it's inconvenient to turn around to do it, and his wings are too big for that, but he's also scared of burning them- his wings are delicate :(

16. What kinds of people do they have arguments with in their head?

Joel fights with his parents,, they were very good at reminding him that the only reason he existed was to be an heir for the kingdom and they didn't care about him enough to spend any time with him and he was nothing but disobedient after making his 'little friend' an- a lot of things. And even though Oli reminds him that he does have worth and their opinions shouldn't matter and Joel trusts that, it doesn't stop the echoes in his head </3

Oli probably fights with himself the most. He acts all confident and bold, etc. but he's an anxious mess on the inside. He also fights with the "voice of reason" too -- very "silencio bruno"-esque /lh

17. What do they notice first in the mirror versus what most people first notice looking at them?

The first thing Joel notices is uhh probably his green bangs? They're pretty vibrant and in front, draws your attention /lh, but other people usually notice his colorful freckles. Oli says they're like a rainbow leading to Joel's wonderful eyes <3

Oli probably notices his hair too? Y'know the like, hand comb thing cc!oli does where he combs his fingers through where his hair is parted? He does that a lot. But he's also got the softest brown eyes full of so much joy and,, ough they're pretty

18. Who do they love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone)?

Each other :(

They didn't always, they hadda get through a lot of "I'm supposed to hate you yk" before they really got close, and now they love each other a lot. Doesn't matter if the love is platonic or romantic what matters is that it was there and it overcame everything else, etc. etc.

Oli also loved his parents, and Ren + Martyn who are essentially his parents too, they get along very well <3

40. How do they respond to a loose handshake? What goes through their head?

Joel: “Oh moss, did I do that wrong?? Why didn't they shake back? Did I offend them?! Oh Devs, I’m so sorry, they probably hate me, or think I'm weird for shaking so tight, or--"

Oli: *shakes out hand with a grimace* “Wow, that was weird. Do they know how to shake hands?? LOL”

41. What phrases, pronunciations, or mannerisms did they pick up from someone / somewhere else?

Hmm... Joel's got a northern Mezalean accent, and will say things like "I fink / I havva / fank you / ohh blumin'-" etc. when he's tired or stressed or upset or otherwise high/low energy. (Y'know how cc!Joel shouts "EEFO!" and also cc!Stress' tweets? Yeah.) Oli won't necessarily talk like that all the time, but he will mimic and tease him about it hehe ^^

Joel picked up giggling from Oli, he used to rarely laugh at all but Oli's laugh (you know the one) is just so contagious <3

(And also from personal experience (/hj), they both say ourple/ouppy/kibby cat/etc. to be funny, but I dunno who started it)

46. Are they a listener or a talker? If they’re a listener, what makes them talk? If they’re a talker, what makes them listen?

Joel's a listener (because he'd rather just sit and do what he's told and not cause a stir, but if he really cares about it then he'll also Really listen), and he'll talk when he's invited to and/or trusts the person. Like if someone "wanted his opinion" on something but he thought they didn't really care he wouldn't really say anything, but if Oli wanted his opinion? Absolutely, here is it. (It's also dangerous for him, because if he starts talking sometimes he just doesn't stop-)

Oli's definitely a talker ahsjfs, extrovert boy- he usually can't stand silence and will just keep talking to fill the emptiness because if he doesn't he'll explode, but you better believe he'll start listening like a loyal dog the second Joel opens his mouth.

53. Who would / do they believe without question?

I… feel like Joel would believe anything Oli said no questions asked, but Oli’s too much of a prankster and Joel's too gullible for that to end well 😭 maybe I'll say each other but only if there's like the Code Enacted that means What I'm Saying Is 100% Slash Serious, you know?

56. If they’re scared, who do they want comfort from? Does this answer change depending on the type of fear?

They'll usually go to each other for most things because y'know they're very close and trust each other and it's just easy to, but it does depend on what it is too.

Like if Oli's worried about Joel, he's not gonna go to Joel, he's gonna go to Ren or Martyn because he trusts them a lot too, but also they're "ew old parents smh" so if it's a "kid problem" it's bestie time.

Same with Joel, he'll go to Oli for most things (more so than the reverse, because Joel has less support people to begin with), but there are some things he just... can't. And it's times like those where he'll go to his mom for it -- not the queen, his real mom, the Mother Tree. She doesn't talk back in words, but even just curling up in her branches or under her roots is enough to comfort him :')

---

WOUGH that's a lot,, I had to put off answering this bc I was studying and knew it would take an hour to answer (and it did lol) but <33 auhgjfg,,, I love answering all these kinds of things :D

edit: BRUH THAT'S 1.4K WORDS 😭

(Ask game! Send me asks pspsp)

[fantasticcloudcreation]

Don't read this it's just dumb feelings

Ugh , one silly man, that I previously rejected and avoided numerous times, that I also shared many lovely magical intimate moments, like just a lil bit of hesitation and avoidance and fear that made me do some things that really hurt him and act like a bitch, etc, why is it that knowing he has a girlfriend now is making me pine over him ?? Like yeah our last interaction was magical and intimate and deep and I was like, maybe I do see potential here, and suddenly I'm daydreaming about that, and suddenly he's like "I met someone and we have to end our romantic ties" I'm like ????? Totally valid bc I've been treating you like an option instead of the whole thing but also , apparently I'm gonna interpret this to mean I'm not good enough???? Like it's not that I was acting terribly and making you feel unloved it's just that I'm fundamentally not good enough and now I have to play the supportive friend / unconditional love role when I was just daydreaming about like what if we choose to be together etc. Like I know I ruined it bc of fear/avoidance/anti commitment and that's valid for both of us and I'm happy to be in this supportive friend/unconditional love role and that's exactly what I was wishing our relationship would turn into like 6 months ago before this most recent rendezvous when I accidentally fell in love with you, 6 months too late apparently. Half wishing their relationship goes well and I get to meet the girl and we all get to share unconditional love and fun moments together; half wishing it doesn't go well and I get to be like, "so I'm actually in love with you and I'm ready for commitment" (I'm not stop thinking about that) (not actually wishing for that to be clear but its just funny when the option is removed and suddenly youre like wait but what about me!!!) ugh just, love sucks. It's also great but it also sucks. Just funny that I've been keeping this man at arms length and suddenly he meets someone who wants commitment and I interpret this as "I'm not good enough" rather than "if I meet someone I like I need to not be so afraid of letting them in and loving them." At the same time I'm always letting people in and loving them and then breaking their hearts bc I lose interest/get too close and run away, etc. I have things I need to work on before I'm ready for romantic relationships and I need to keep that in mind and work on it before I meet another cute person who wants to get close to me.

I'm gonna be single for another 3 years and some random person is gonna walk into my life and we're gonna casually get to know each other and slow burn our way into realizing we want to live together forever but until then I'm gonna relax and stop falling in love with random people. Unconditional love, sure but romantic attachment, learn to set boundaries, damn.

Anyway it's midnight I need to be sleeping, fuck all these men and all their feelings, I'm a strong independent woman and I'll break your heart and then be hurt when you find someone else lmfao. I love you all though thanks for being in my life regardless ❤️

Update from 2 weeks later, he texted me that they broke up....... And in my head I'm like "great" but at the same time still feeling resistant towards telling him my feelings/getting closer to him. So we'll see how this all unfolds in the upcoming months 🙃

[wafflesfromtheuniverse]

I'm hearing my mom argue w my dad

I feel too old to be hurt about this but i can't help myself

I'm 21 attending uni from home

It wouldn't really make sense to rent an apartment: it's expensive so i would have to work and study at the same time, and I'm not sure i could manage all that rn, and we don't live so far from the place anyways

Anyways I heard her voice going kinda wobbly

She sounded like she was on the verge of crying

It's bc my dad has a lover, and she dropped him off infront of our house

Mom was upset bc they spoke about her a lot

About the other women

I hated my dad for it, but my mom told me a few things that made me just sour about the whole thing

I won't make excuses for cheating, like ever, but i know my mom isn't really well either and it took a toll on my dad

I'm only writing this because i feel like i believe in love less and less

The more i know about my parents, the less i believe in true love

I guess I'm the romantic type, i just like to deny it

You will never catch me admitting it, unless i really feel like i want the other person to know

I kinda believe in acts of affection (or idk how u write it xd) rather than words

Words still mean a lot to me tho, it's just not the usual stuff I guess

Random things hit me harder or make feel warmer

I'm trying to be hopeful

But I'm avoiding people

I fear rejection

I fear hatred

I fear that I am unloveable

I am afraid of being insufferable

I am afraid that people see a lot of wrong in me and they just don't tell me so I am going around clueless

I don't expect everyone to love me

I don't like every person I meet either

I don't like to be the enemy tho

My head makes be believe sm bullshit

I'm fighting myself everyday

I am actually better at it

I started to like my face better

Like my body too

I still want to exercise

Not for a summer body

But for the childish dream i still have: being cool girl

Cool in the means of looking cool

Idc what counts as cool in the matter of personality

My personality is annoying to me but i still love myself a little bit or like moderately

I'm trying

I have the headphones i got for christmas from them on

It's kina funny

They are noise cancelling so i can't hear them

I liked to listen to them when is was little

Like is not a good word, more like i felt it was neccesary

I wanted to know what was happening around me

I don't know if other familes are like this

In highschool I liked to joke around in my head, calling them rommates (not room but living mates or how do i say it...ppl u rent an aparent together with)

I saw my dad at night coming home from work (or as i got know later, maybe from the woman) and my mom was home working always

I didn't think of my parents badly

But my mom once said that "i probably don't want to end up like them"

I don't remember when was the last time i really thought about what i want to end up as

Like seriously

I somehow felt i don't have a future

I had this belief that I will die in some accident like in a tiny one

Just whoosh erased from earth

I don't know why i felt that way but i believed it kinda and i wasn't uncomfortable with it

I thought about it matter of factly, calm, neutral

I will not get old

I will die before 30 for sure

Like that

It wasn't a decision or anything, just felt like that was my fate

I hope I will see more clearly in the future

I hope I am able to love

To give love and to recieve it

To have a healthy relationship

I really really hope i can manage to be in one once

I fear love because of (1 rejection and hate like I said before)

2 because when i lose a friend my heart breaks really hard

I can't get my head away, and I'm anxious without a stop

I have the blackhole in me

If love breaks my hearth more than that

Idk if it's safe for me

Yet atleast

I'm trying to strenghten myslef

I have too much fear in my

I hate fear

But i also hate the absence of fear

When i give up and there is nothing

At times like that fear atleast motivates me, moves me

But when emptiness fills me

I have a hard time afterwards

I probably misspelled a bunch of shit but

It's not cryptic so it counts

I am working on myself

Even when it feels like I'm stagnating

Atleast I can mever be clueless about the things i learned so far

So I'm trying:)

I actually like this one better nowadays:]

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

Okay... SO- I started to question my gender recently because of this one singer/actor who's very obviously masc (except for recently when he started dressing a bit femme but he still looks masc) and I've always wanted to have hair and eyes like his but recently I've also wanted his (again, masc) voice and facial structure. And like... I've used he/him pronouns before, but I always told myself that it's because I want to help trans and nb people by doing my part in normalising using different pronouns, not because I AM trans/nb. And like... I prefer loose clothes and short hair, but I always told myself it's because I'm queer and want to look queer. Anyways sorry for rambling

Don’t apologise. I’m hear to listen and help.

First off, it seems like you gotta unlearn some shit. Being trans is okay. Drill that into your head. Being trans is completely okay. And it’s okay if you’re trans. That is a possibility. You need to grasp that concept, I think. Being trans isn’t only for other people, for characters and friends and some far away distant thing, it is close and real and you can grasp it. You can be trans.

And I think you’re focusing more on finding something definitive. You’ve gone through all this uncertainty and now you want something solid. But it’s gonna take a while. In the mean time learn to live with it. You don’t know who you are, and that’s okay.

In the mean time, stop asking yourself “what gender am I?” and start asking “what makes me happy?”

What makes you happy?

Does they/them or he/him make you happy? Use it! Does masculinity make you happy? Be masculine! Do lose clothes make you happy? Wear lose clothes!

Be HAPPY!! That is all that matters!! Use the pronouns that make you happy dress in a way that makes you happy be the gender that makes you happy and everything will fall into place, or maybe it won’t, and that’s okay too bc being urself and being happy is what matters.

Added disclaimer of course, make sure to be safe, if you are in a transphobic area or depend on transphobes for financial support etc.

But like…you can be a dude if you want to, you know? Like that’s a thing you can just Do. You can legit jsut go what’s up, I’m a guy, and BAM!!

You can try it out for a bit, if you like. Genders are like. Comfy sweaters!! Try on different ones for a few days or so and see how you feel til you find one that’s comfy and fits.

Wake up brush your teeth look in the mirror say “Im a dude” and just. Don’t panick about it don’t overthink it just live with it, feel it in the back of your mind as you go to school do chores laugh with friends. See how it feels.

You can hold your heart in your fist or you can be afraid. Transness is not foreign, it is real and close to you as the soil beneath your feet and the blood in your veins. You can be trans, and if you are, that’s completely okay. Try it out. Be happy. Do what brings you joy, and everything will fall into place. You could be a masc or gnc woman or nonbinary, or you could be a dude. It’s okay whatever happens. Be happy.

[d3nt4l-d4m4g3]

hey i don’t know if you’re the right person to ask and don’t feel pressured to answer this, but i’m kind of at a loss for what to do. i have one friend (R, on T for 6 years) who has had severe medical deterioration since transition, including a lot of the things you’ve made posts about plus complications from a hysterectomy. i have another friend (P, socially transitioned) who’s starting T soon. i wish i could send P some of your posts or even talk to them abt the people i know with health complications from medical transition, but he’s made it very clear that any questioning of his identity means that our friendship is basically over, and he’s so important to me that i can’t risk it. do you have, like, any advice at all? or even commiseration at this point, bc i have no one i can talk to about this irl and it feels suffocating sometimes. anyway, hope you’re doing well, and thanks for your work!!

Hi there friend. I'm afraid you're in a tough situation. I've been on both sides so I know: it's pretty much impossible to talk a trans person out of transitioning. Remember, they believe they will literally die (or kill themselves) if they don't transition and if you don't want them to transition, you want them dead. You can explain the medical effects to a person all day, but their reasons for transitioning have nothing to do with facts like "your uterus is rotting out of your body". Their reasons for transitioning are religious, ideological, and unfortunately illogical.

If you really value P's friendship and don't want to lose her, you know it is not wise to tell her how you feel. The only thing you can do is let her know that you care about her—you want to make her feel like, if she ever have doubts, she can turn to you. Trans ideology works a little like a cult, and trans people sometimes have their whole support networks made up of other trans people. So the thought of detransition triggers the thought of "if I leave the community, I will lose everything." That's why you need to make sure that P knows that in the event of a lapse in belief, they will not lose you. (<-found in this article by NYT, good read, check it out.)

That said, it really hurts to be around someone who you feel like is slowly poisoning/killing themselves in front of you. Making the decision to harm themselves every day of every week of every month of every year. It fucking sucks. Watching someone close to you transform on hormones feels like falling from a tower feeling your stomach drop, feeling the ground hurtle towards you, for months on end. If even being around this person may be triggering to you, there is nothing at all wrong with distancing yourself from P. Trans is like a cult, but also like an addiction. You can tell an alcoholic how she's destroying her liver, or a smoker she's shriveling her lungs, but she won't listen; it makes her feel good. What's the big deal? it gives her a sense of self and a place to be.

And you know what? That place that addicts occupy is a selfish one. P will not trust you over her trans journey. P will not think of your (or other women's) feelings or perspectives if they contradict trans ones. And you don't have to stick around for that.

You cannot save the addict from herself, you just can't. You can be patient and hopeful, and wait for her return to you, or you can turn your back and free yourself. Ultimately it doesn't matter which, because P is the only one who can save herself. Before she saves herself she may need to hit a rock bottom. The suffering might need to mount before she can ask herself if her identity is worth such pain. and it might take a too-long time. Sounds like your friend R is suffering 6 years in, but hasn't hit a breaking point yet. Not enough to stop. And sometimes, awful as it is, there's no guarantee that she will.

Keep talking please.

[lightlycareless]

hiiii !!! Thank you for the new chapter !! 💜💜 I Love that Naoaki and yn still continued their friendship . I was afraid that they wouldn’t reconcile and that was her last friend in the house so I was scared LOLOL . Thank goodness that they spoke about it and they still see eachother .

Also props to yn for sticking up for that guy 🙏🙏 regardless of how badly she gets treated it’s good to see her stick up for people especially since she knows what it feels like to be treated so nasty in that place,

THE ENDING THO?!? My girl is finally gonna be reunited with the babies😢😢💟 hopefully it’s not a sour moment bc they’re afraid of her bc of the last time they saw eachother 😭 I’d understand if it is tho. It’ll prob take a lil for them to warm back up .

Now I’m just afraid that naoya might know she’s been around Naoaki . I mean ; he might not know but part of me feels like he’s been hearing stuff from his little helper 😭 hopefully he’s just focusing on his exam so my girl yn Can be in peace 😭😭💟 if not idk what she OR Naoaki gonna do. Especially with that “adulterer” comment the brother made😭😭 naoya is gonna be furious 👺

Anyways such a good update !! Thank you so much . Hope your week goes well and I’ll wait for the next !! 😊😊 - 👾

Hello 👾 anon!!! I'm always happy to see your asks 😭❤️❤️❤️❤️ thank you for coming back every update, I greatly appreciate it 🥰

I was afraid as well!! Although not that much, since Naoaki is someone who can detect when there's something going on, you know? As well as being aware enough that his background is something that not many will process easily, so in between his sad story, her sudden "sickness" and Mariya's duties, he understood that maybe it was best to let her rest a bit.

That doesn't mean he wasn't sad about it lol but he tried his best to be as understanding as possible.

Y/N on the other hand was freaking out, and within reason. She's so... hurt by the fact that she was abandoned by everyone (her family, her staff, and the friends she's somewhat managed to make inside the estate) it's like her mind is always working against her and that hurts me 😭 But it's all good now :3 they just needed to talk about it. In a way, there really was no reason for them to stop being friends (at least for me) BECAUSE LETS BE REAL Naoaki is deserving of second chances (although he did nothing wrong) unlike ummm idk this bastard Naoya.

And yes!! Props to Y/N 😤 it was a way to show her that she's starting to understand her surroundings a bit more (although she doesn't seem to like Mariya that much hahahaha but we'll deal with that later :3) and I'm glad that the servants (or some of them) took a notice of it. Guess we shall see what happens next chapter 🫢

MAI AND MAKI ARE FINALLY BACK IM CRYING I MISSED THEM SO MUCH BUT WE'LL SEE THE DETAILS OF THEIR RETURN NEXT CHAPTER HAHAHAAAAA I'm glad you're excited for it too!!!!! It was a lose end i needed to deal with 😤

Lastly...Naoya is coming back on 2 chapters hahahahahaha all I can say is that he hasn't seen his wife in a long time 😳 (i fear for her)

Anyways, thank you so much dear 👾 anon 🥺❤️ I'm always looking forward to your feedback, and how accurate you are!! I'm glad what I'm trying to convey is coming through my words 😭 that's like my biggest fear when writing (since I don't have much experience ��) but you give me the reassurance I need 🥰 thank you so much. (I hope I'm not bothering you with this, I'm just very grateful 🥲)

I hope you have a wonderful week! Take care, and see you soon 🥰❤️❤️❤️

[darthkruge]

heyy Megan, I'm trying to do a character study on Anakin but im finding very limited information online. what do you think are some of his worst and best traits? his personality, humor and like his values? thank you so much,, hope you have a good day/night

omg hi!! thank you for asking me!!

*cracks knuckles* let’s get into it 

anakin skywalker character analysis

best traits:

intelligence, overall skill, curiosity 

anakin was building droids from scraps when he was a child. he spoke huttese and basic from a young age, as well. he’s an insane battle strategist, wonderfully skilled in battle/with a lightsaber, and incredible pilot! he can pick up new skills quickly, as well. i’m just gonna link this post by @chokemeanakin bc it just sums it up real nice.. but yes smart boy love him

compassion, capacity for emotions, empathy, understanding

anakin feels things deeply. i’ve talked about this a lot before lol. but yeah he is frequently in conflict over the sheer weight of the emotions he carries. further, as a jedi, this is not something his peers could relate to. but he always tries to be there for his friends and would do anything to ease their pain. and i think that anakin seeks to understand others. he’s spent so much of his life feeling alone and like no one related to him; he wants to know how other people work, feel, and think.

loyalty, friendship, caring

anakin is so fucking loyal to those he loves. and, tying into my previous point, he loves deeply. he cares, he always has. he treats droids as humans and forms attachments, even though they may be forbidden. he held onto that need for love, for connection even after he joined the order. and he would defend those he loves til the very end... 

selflessness, protectiveness, bravery

anakin would literally dive headfirst into danger to save someone he loves. he doesn’t care about hurting himself or honestly whatever happens to him, as long as those he cares for are safe. 

worst traits:

impulsivity, recklessness

i think we’ve all seen anakin be a bit impulsive at times... sometimes, he just doesn’t think everything through. this is especially clear when someone he loves is in danger. anakin’s lost so many people that when he’s faced with the threat of losing another, his judgment can become clouded. 

insecurity, jealousy, fear

anakin is frequently jealous, which stems from his insecurities. he was probably conflicted a lot; brought into the order as a young child and told he was the chosen one. the weight of the galaxy was placed on his shoulders and, yet, he was held back in classes as a padawan, he didn’t make rank (canonically). i think these things are what allowed palpatine to manipulate him; palpatine knew anakin was afraid, insecure, and, yet, arrogant (my next point dw). he tapped into this and because anakin and the council did not have much mutual trust (aside from like obi-wan), it was easier to get to him. especially because palpatine used anakin’s fear of losing padme and his unborn children to do so. fuck palpatine bro- 

arrogance

yes, anakin was insecure. yes, he was also arrogant. let me explain myself. he occassionally rushes into things without thinking, thinking he can handle them. i think a lot of this stems from being told he was the chosen one from such a young age. that title combined with his skill?! it makes sense he’d internalize it. i am now going to stop myself before i rant about how the gifted education system is a fuckfest. this is coming from someone who spent years in that program. anyway-

personality/overall rant about his life/motivations:

i think i summed up a lot of his personality within the best and worst traits because i got ahead of myself but im going to say some more!! i think a lot of anakin’s personality is dependent on his deep capacity for emotions. you can see that throughout ROTS, he was conflicted almost all the time. he grew up as a slave and all he wanted was to protect his mother. he built droids to help her and competed in podraces to tryand get them anything that could help. 

then, he was taken to the order. suddenly, all these amazing traits he has make sense!! but then the person who’s supposed to train him (qui-gon) dies after anakin’s only known him for a short period of time. anakin’s attachment issues are abundant (i don’t think i need to explain that one) so of course he grows close to obi-wan! but obi-wan was trying to be strong for anakin. even though obi-wan struggled himself with attachment, he tried to be strong and put up a front as a “good” jedi for anakin to look up to. while this was helpful, anakin probably just felt more conflicted, as no one in his life could relate to the bredth of emotions he felt. this caused him to be more introverted and withdrawn (i talk about that in this post)

then, he loses his mother, she dies in his arms. the only person he’d wanted to protect from a young age, who he left to join the jedi, dies in his arms. he blames himself for this, thinking he should have gotten there faster, should have done something more. he probably also blamed the jedi, to at least some extent. why do these powers matter if they can’t save the people he loves? i believe he acted out of anger, killing the tuskens, because (at least to some degree) of the jedi. instead of teaching him how to express his emotions (pain, fear, loss, grief, etc.), they train him. to some degree, he might think all he’s good for is these skills. so he acts out of anger, slaughtering them. 

and then finally he finds someone who loves him in the way he wants to be loved. padme stays by his side, even after he killed the tuskens. she sees the good in him and treats him as a man, not a prophecy. but once again, this motif of fear remains! he has to hide this love, one of the only pure and good things in his life! he has to live in fear every second of every day because, if the council finds out that he found happiness and love, everything is ruined. 

but then he starts getting the vision’s that padme will die. and not just padme, now his unborn children could die, too. the one thing he has that is good and purely his could now be ripped away. he knew he was helpless, knew there was nothing he could do to stop it by himself. the council isn’t that helpful, telling him to learn to let it go with the force. while that might help any other jedi, it just pushed anakin away. he would never be able to just surrender and let go to the force, not when the life of his entire family is at risk! 

and he finds palpatine, someonoe who has spent years trying to manipulate him. but palpatine is smart, he’s cunning. anakin didn’t know what the real intentions were and, truly, he probably didn’t want to know. he was blinded by his fear and if anything could save padme, he would do it. then the council try to get him to spy on palpatine. again, conflict. anakin’s loyalty is repeatedly questioned and pushed and prodded, he was probably so confused! he didn’t know who to trust. but, when you combine the current situation with his backstory with who he is and what he cares about, it makes sense why it all happened. 

this is what i mean when i say conflict. he was pulled in a million directions constantly. and we all know how his story ends and i don’t want to cry so i’m not gonna detail it...

also: i’m not saying any of this excuses all of his choices, but it does explain them.  

humor:

lowkey a dork

he is. and i love that about him. you can see this in the way he flirts with padme sometimes... like floating the pear to her and the whole “i don’t like sand” thing. he’s a fucking dork. can’t exactly blame him nor do i hold it against him! he didn’t have many close friends growing up and he was like pining for padme for years so it’s not like he spent that time creating a playbook

he’s also witty!

i think this comes with his intelligence; he’s witty and he’s quick. example: “general grievous, you’re shorter than i expected.” i mean he’s no sass-king obi-wan kenobi but anakin definitely can hold his own in a verbal sparring match! 

also i headcanon him as having horrible puns but loving them!

values:

love, friendship, connections

at his core, anakin just wants to find someone who understands him and his emotions. who can relate to him. he wants those connections; in fact, he actively seeks them out. love is a key part of his identity. i talk about this in this post about his love languages so imma just link it there!

success, validation

tying into his determination, anakin wants to do well! he pushes himself and i think he’s a perfectionist, too. you can see this in the way he holds himself as a general; he doesn’t slack off, doesn’t not care. he understands the responsibility he has in that role and he takes it seriously! and just in his overall skill level, even though he was a bit of a child-prodigy, he clearly spent a long time training. he probably also had some imposter syndrome going on and was constantly trying to prove his worth. 

----

uhh yeah i think i got everything?? yes?? he’s so complex and i legit love him immensely. doing character analysis for anakin is my favorite thing in the entire universe! if anyone has anything they want to add, please feel free!!

[astroninaaa]

Hot take a talk about technoblade:

Okay look I've been part of this fandom since August(thank god cuz i watched it all live and it woukd be a nightmare to caatch up) I bring this up cuz i want to discuss my problem with technos character. I have watched every single techno livestream that he made on dream smp and believe it or not i used to be a techno sympathiser that is until doomsday. (By techno apologist standards i am qualified to talk about his character hooray..)

Now techno like every character is flawed if he wasn't he would be boring fandom. One of his biggest flaws is being a hypocrite. That is not something you realise until you compare what he says all the time so you need to look a little deeper to realise it and i don't blame people for not seeing it.

This wouldn't be that much of a problem because that is a character flaw among with many others but the problem that his character has faced is that he doesn't develop much.

Now i hear techno apologist jump at me every single time noooo he isn't a stagnant character he has developed a lot. I am not saying that he hasn't developed at all the problem is that he has developed very little especially when you consider everything.

His goals his ideas his perception of the world what he believes him everything that makes his character him hasn't changed much and that is not a good thing from a writing perspective. Now why do i bring this up. Firstly I'm not saying this to say techno is a bad writer far from it he can be very good when he puts his mind to it. The problem with keeping a character in this state is that it's very harmful for said character first and to the story and other characters second. Look even at yourselves i can guarantee that you aren't the exact same person you were like five years ago for example because during that time you made mistakes learned from them and you grew. Just like in real life you also can't stay stagnant in fiction.

Okay so that's the main problem with technos character that he is stagnant as a character. Now this wouldn't be as big of a problem if he didn't have the role that he has.

You see techno both c! and cc! are very good at the game basically. Now why do i bring this up. The reason why i bring this up is bc of where this places techno whuch is at the very top of the chain don't try and seny it. This means that he is one of the most powerful people on the server if you are going to try and go against this point just look at lmanberg guys that's living proof of how powerful and how terrifying he actually is. I know a lot of you are gonna say but every can get stacked or play the game but you guys forget that even if you are stacked you just don't have the skill and cc! Techno of the best people when it comes to that which bleeds into his character. Saying that is like looking at the upper class than looking at the lower class saying just get rich like it doesn't work like that.

Because of his role techno is literally the 1% by rl standards which means he can a lit of things free of consequences bc no one can give him said consequences. The butcher army was ig an attempt at that but they failed miserably let's be real here.

Because he is in the 1% is incredibly skilled at pvp and can do anything bc no one can challenge him this places him on a pedestal and creates a power imbalance a very big one at that.

And that leads to his biggest problem he has practically everything as said by Techno himself and is never challenged, but that's not an interesting character. An audience gets tired for a character that always wins or loses. Because if it happens repeatedly it just takes all the suspense oh he will win immediately. He will go and slaughter them problem solved. That's it every time. Something that techno himself confirmed is then when he has a problem he just stabs it (both of these were said during the egg stream).

And if you are going to bring the things he went through to say he's changed don't cuz as long as he doesn't act on it it means nothing. Like examples Red festival killed tubbo an ally. Traumatic experience right? This is a good moment to develop his character and give us more insight. What happens? Techno tries to dismiss it and shows us his anxiety and gives us insight on his character Great! Character development? Starting to question himself just a bit or any sign of that event having an effect on him? Nope! Why? Cuz he doesn't act on it instead he tries to hide the fact that ever happened and changes to a different topic bc there is no justification there and he knows it. Nov 16th c!technos pov he just got betrayed caused some damage wished death upon his former allies and left. Quite a dramatic scene. He feels betrayed time for some good old character development. Him thinking about himself and his actions. Reflecting on them. Great moment! Problem: literally everything that shows this is done off camera and now suddenly he's retired... Okay you know what fine it's alright he would probably expand upon and did a timeskip to explain the ling time he didn't stream. I see where it's comming from. The butcher army ge gets hunted down bc actions have consequences techno and you can't just run away like that not after doing that. Great point from the butcher army. Go give him some consequences his character needs it. And then he gets executed alright a bit too far but i guess that's how it goes in this server. Techno gets his life back immediately.. well that was a bit pointless but alright a cool scene for the animatic fair. Then he kills quackity.. the butcher army lost.. this.. what? But this was the moment of consequences... and quackity didn't get it back like techno the butcer aemy lost more than techno what? Moving along he teams up with tommy aannnd the 50 withers are up and ready of course you didn't fully retire what was i expecting. And now team up with tommy perfect way to learn about dream and give more insight on lmanberg and how dream is a tyrant and everything techno is supposed to stand against. The green festival tommy chooses tubbo over techno techno feels betrayed understandable.... and then he teams up with dream lmanberg is destroyed and the underdogs are beaten to the ground loose everything they ever worked for and are taught to be scared of the anarchists?!?!?!?!

Okay now hold up a sec I'll have to stop you right there. What. did. you. just. do. Cuz there is a limit to the amount of stuff you can let a character get away with. The line was crossed months ago this is not good at all.

Also what are yoi guys talking about consequences. Lives? All 3 home? Right there pets? The ones that died were the ones he brought expecting to not live he brought them there on purpose so they don't count. He is one of the most wealthy peoole on the server (no one beats ranboo lol) what did he exactly loose? Friendships? Was that all the hardships you guys have?

Lmanberg lost their home their lives their wealth their pets their friend everything they loved and lived for everything they stood for they lost a part of themselves in the end.

Look at the last 2 paragraphs and how imbalanced that is. How are you guys blind to this How?! And why did doomsday happen? Because the butcher army failed. And if anything techno proved them that they should have punished him harder with this.

So what was the lesson of doomsday?

That you shoukd obey the people on top and never go against them or you will loose everything you love.

Great lesson guys this is exactly the lesson the rich class and every single tyrant tried to teach society and this lesson is being told by the anarchist great job....

Do you see the problem now. This is the reason techno needs a consequence bc if he keeps going like this he will become a Mary Sue. And that is a horrible direction for a character that has a lot of potential. That potential is why i liked his character that much in the beginning but now it's almost non existent. Anyway I'll end this now cuz this went on for too long. That's basically my opinion on it feel free to share your thoughts.

okay. okay. i read this like three times bc. because look

i agree in some very specific points, but i disagree in very broad manners.

(this entire......... essay is all /rp and /nm!!!!)

anyways. send me hot takes!!!

i like c!techno. i personally think he's one of the most fun characters to watch because i enjoy the mess, the crazyness, the chaos of it all. watching doomsday through c!tommy's eyes was painful. watching doomsday through c!techno's eyes was just so fucking hilarious and exciting and fun. he's just a fun character to watch. he's just Funny. i am a fan. however

for starters: ctechno is, 100%, out of the park, an stagnant character. he has little to no development throughout the story. we see no changes in how he acts. that's not necessarily a bad thing, but considering the type of character he is, watching him develop (be it to an actually full-fledged villain or towards a redemption arc) would be ideal to keep him a character people can actually support.

i wouldn't say he's a hypocrite. c!techno has a very strict moral code and he follows it with no hesitation, with no doubts. the point is that his moral code is flawed and skewed. that doesn't make him a hypocrite, that makes him someone with bad morals.

calling c!techno "the 1%" is a stretch. for one- c!ranboo has as much resources, if not more, as c!techno does. he has dozens of totems, thousands of emeralds, and probably has one of the higher counts of diamond and netherite on the server. why is that never brought up? because it doesnt matter. c!foolish has so much gold and diamonds and netherite and just everything, really, and it's also never brought up/a reason for people to be afraid of him. the dream smp isn't a capitalist universe, there's no "1%". specially bc there's, like, i don't know, 20 players? that makes c!techno 1/20 OR 3/20 if we count c!ranboo and c!foolish. but that's not the point at all: the point is that ctechno is feared bc he's skilled and has a relevant personality, not bc he has resources. c!wilbur has no shit and he's still terrifying, there's no character willing to oppose him. not because of resources, but because of who he is. when c!techno first fled from l'manburg into "retirement" he had no shit either, it took him a while to be rich again. no one attacked him either way.

why, you ask? bc he fought against c!quackity with a fucking pickaxe and won. that's why. c!techno doesn't need resources to be feared. the power imbalance doesn't come from his resources, it comes from others’s fear. and they have a reason for that fear, bc c!techno hasn't been defeated yet. that has nothing to do with "upper class" and "lower class". because, one, not a capitalist system and class disparity isn't as simple as that, and two, even without his "riches" he still wins, bc he's got the skill. if you take out the skill, him being rich means nothing and he wouldve been easily killed by the butcher army or c!tommy or whoever decided to kill him. a good example is, once again, c!ranboo: if he wasn't friends with everyone and someone decided to actually fight him like was done with c!techno, he would've died. easily. being rich in the smp is relative.

c!techno will be challenged when we have a character strong enough to challenge him in a way that matters. it's important to be smart about it. that's why i'd love to see, out of everyone, c!philza turn against him, but that's a how other discussion (WHICH I'M WILLING TO TALK ABOUT.......... everytime i make these and i add little point i dont elaborate on and then say i'm willing to talk about them and no one ever asks me to <//3 PAIN /nm /lh).

i do think he's a character that just Always Win in narrative ways and that's very frustrating. he does need to get pulled a few notches down. again, that will only happen when we have a character that can step up to him and challenge him in a way that matters (woooo c!philza you want to hold c!techno accountable for his bullshit so bad woooo........)

now, onto c!techno's trauma. he doesn't need to show it. he- he doesn't. that's........ not how trauma works, and that's one of the points that make his trauma so forgettable for the viewers. c!techno is, from inside out, a character that hardly shows his emotions, but that doesn't mean he doesn't display symptons of trauma. he does, they're just a lot more subtle than other characters's. that doesn't mean he doesn't have any or that he isn't affect by it. c!techno is, in a lot of ways, a lot like c!tubbo: both of them don't mention the shit they've gone through and don't react to it and bc of that some of the viewers don't see how important some traumatic events were in their characterisation. that's why you analyse those characters's trauma through behavior, not through easily seen displays of trauma.

i do think it's taken a little too far with c!techno. the way he reacted to c!tommy's death was...... disappointing, to say the least. c!techno is an underwhelming character in many ways. as said before, it's because he's stagnant. that definitely needs to be worked on.

about the syndicate? yeah, no. theyre not teaching others to fear them. others just Do That bc of their history on the server, but they have literally talked about how they want to better their reputation, bc they don't want to be seen as murderers or oppressors in any way. are they flawed? yes, very much. they have no indicators of what is or isn't a government and they show no regard around the importance of a difference between an oppressive and a democratic government.

they had no right to show up at c!tubbo's door and interrogate him, because they can't appoint themselves as government police. for starters, that's not how anarchy works (they should've had everyone's permission for that. they obviously don't), but also it's just... stupid. it makes it seem that they're trying to boss everyone around so that they live like the syndicate wants them to, which goes directly against the syndicate's own ideals. however, c!techno thinks he has that right. he thinks this is what he's supposed to do. he's just following his moral code - his moral code is just deeply, deeply flawed. what he says and what he does contradict each other but not for him, not to his interpretation. to his interpretation, he's following his strict moral code.

what happened at doomsday was horrible and c!techno has to be held accountable for it, yes, but, again, no character knows how to work around c!techno enough to hold him accountable for it. that's not c!techno's fault.

l'manburg just deserved better, honestly, but to be fair c!techno has been taken advantage of time and time again (sometimes purposefully, sometimes not) and he's fucked up in the head, god bless LMAOOOOOOO

i agree that things need to change otherwise he's just gonna keep being a stagnant character who can get away with everything. i do think he has more to him than meets the eye, tho. meh idk that's still just analysis!!! we have no way of knowing the intent behind c!techno's characterisation, at least not for now. i hope for the best tho cc!techno don't let me down <3

[espejonight28738]

15×09 "The Trap" Meta

Warning: As always, Destiel and Saileen positive so don't like don't read.

OMG guys I can't even this episode was something else. Like, for real.

First of all, it looks like I was right about Eileen being part of Chuck's plan.

"I helping to Sam the Bunker. To Sam. To Romance." Thanks Chuck for proving me right, but if you could please not hurt my baby Eileen and Sam while you do it would be awesome ;-;

Now if only I could be in the right about the happy ending...

But whatever. Let's talk about the prayer first, because I could talk about it for hours. Everything was so wonderful.

First, when Dean looks he only have 29 minutes left to find Cas, you could see all the trauma resourfaced. You could see how he was imagining ending up without Cas again. Having to go back home (although he didn't seem to be going to the portal when right before he found Cas, but I have no certainty about it) and leave Cas behind, and he imagined himself reliving the guilt and the hallucinations and the hopelessness.

[Gif by the amazing @agusvedder because I want you to look at him and tell me that ain't the look of a man who just imagined losing the love of his life again]

And, above all, Dean imagined having to live through it all knowing he never fixed their relationship. Rowena's words about not waiting until it was too late must have been ringing in his ears. And he knows that he needs Cas to know.

Purgatory's pureness gave him a new understanding of his emotions, and I'm not talking about the anger (it's obvious Dean already knew he had that problem), but the need for Cas.

"Cas, buddy, I need you." That same need, mixed with the possibility of losing Cas yet once again was enough for Dean to just break down in the middle of a land of abominations.

And the first thing he says. "I should've stopped you." Can you see how he is telling us we were right all along? Cas said "I left but you didn't stop me." And now Dean knows he could have.

If he had tried to talk, if he had asked Cas to stay, maybe he wouldn't have left. Dean put himself through that depression (the even heavier drinking, comfort food, the coldness) .

[And as an author note. How was that real? "You didn't stop me/I should've stop you" The Brontë sisters WISH they could write that levels of angsty romance.]

And, having Dean finally admitting to his very real anger issues gives me very high hopes for everything else. It's not like his problem will disappear, it does was kinda beaten into him, but having him admitting it is recognizing it as a standing problem between Dean and a Happy Future, so we can assume that will be another one of the problem they'll tackle in the rest of the season.

(Or maybe they'll forget about it. But s15 has been so good until now that I'm hoping they won't ignore it.)

And Dean calling Cas his best friends. Holy mother of God. I know I made several jokes about it, but it truly is so significant. Because words like "Family" and "Brother (and sister for Charlie)" are ones Dean had given other people. But Best Friend is only for Cas, it puts him in a special place in Dean's live no one else shares.

Maybe it's not exactly the place we want him to be in (yet), but the fact alone that they recognize once again how Dean and Cas' relationship is different to the one they have with anyone else.

So when did found Cas and said "Okay, Cas, I need to say something", I agree we wasn't about to repeat his prayer.

The Prayer (the fact that Dean got on his damn knees, for god's sake) was a moment of absolute vulnerability and emotion. Dean grew up in with a "no emotions" mentality tought to him by John, and so we seldom see him show this kind of raw vulnerability by choice. Considering that the Winchesters (as always, I include Jack and Cas in there) are an experts in 'I screw up and you got angry but then we had a bigger problem so we kinda left it behind us bc we are family and I love you anyway, or we just move on without never really discussing it' but not in actually apologizing, I would go as far as to say this was probably the most heartfelt apologize we've seen in the series.

I've watched the scene like a million times, and he just carries an attitude of doing something big. Like a big reveal, not like repiting himself.

Because he knew Cas heard him. The reason he said "I hope you can here me, that wherever you are, it's not too late" it's 'cause he was afraid Cas had died. That is was really too late. Once he saw Cas was alive? I don't think Dean doubted for a second Cas had heard him. He was hoing to say something else.

Cas clearly didn't want to take the risk of Dean telling him what he truly wanted to hear- what he had wanted for years. The risk of his deal with the Empty hovering behind hime. He couldn't be so selfish as allowing himself to hear it, just to abandon Dean right after.

Then Cas interrupted him.

Or abandoning Sam when he was at God's mercy, or leaving the World SavingTM to them. He couldn't. Dean doesn't even now about the deal.

I cannot tell you how much I loved it. Not in a "I want this to happen" way, of course not, but in what it means.

That's why Dabb said this episode wasn't the resolution. There's still much unsaid between them, if you believe there is an 'I love you' somewhere there. I think that's what has my hopes the highest. Because if they are only bff, then why didn't this solve everything? What is left hanging? I don't want to clown but it's literally the only thing that makes sense in my opinion.

And now, let's talk about the future Sam saw.

Sam and Dean don't need only each other to be happy, they need other people. That's basically what that future said.

"What's happened to you Dean? Ever since..."

"Ever since what? We lost pretty much everyone we ever cared about?"

[There is like a 2 second pause here that I feel very important andd significant. The separation between what 'everyone' and 'Cas']

"Ever since the Mark made Cas go crazy? Ever since I had to bury him in Ma'lak box? Ever since then? Yeah." [Jfc you can hear it pains him to say Cas' name]

"Bobby had a death wish and you know it. And Jody? Ever since what happened to Donna and the girls, she does too.

And after Eileen? So do you."

He's acknowledging everyone's breaking point. Jody's was Donna and the girls (we don't know exactly which one was the last straw, as we know that at least in Claire's case they died at different times). Sam's was Eileen. His was Cas.

And he is very clear in that. We can't know what happened first, but we know that Sam asks what happened to *him* and he says it was Cas going crazy. It was having to bury Cas alive what made him lose all hope. Because at least he can hope they ones dead can find pace, but Cas? Dean, and for how he said it he probably did it alone, had to bury Cas knowing he was going to be there for the rest of the time. Suffering alone. Dean knows how it's like to have the Mark.

That broke Dean. And having Sam wasn't enough to put him back together.

And after Eileen somehow died again, Sam just stop caring about living, he just care about taking down as many monsters as he can before he dies. 'Death wish' Dean called it. He would know about that, he is Dean "You wanna die" Winchester, after all.

Having Dean wasn't enough for Sam to want to keep on living.

"We lost, brother. We lost. I'm done."

They still have each other? Yes. Is that remotely enough? No. That's what the future told us. They need more than each other, they need other people.

But there was a little something else that made it even more beautiful.

"The Dean who raised me [...]"

Let's be clear about something, I think the show never gives enough recognition for having raised same pretty much by himself since he was 4 years. The situation was totally unfair to Dean and yet he never once took it out on Sam, he just look out for him, cooked for him, and make sure he could be as much of a child as the situation allowed, that is a lot more than Dean ever could. In his own words, he wasn't just a brother, he was also a father and a mother.

I just want to cry for thinking how hard that was for both brother. And Sam knows it, even if he doesn't always acknowledges. So the fact that he chose the words "the Dean that raised me" when "the Dean that I know", for example, would have conveyed the sentiment as well, is significant.

They wanted to remember how important they are for each other, how much they love each other. They don't dismiss that, they are making sure we remember that, at the same time they are telling us the alone aren't enough for a happy ending.

They are telling us what we need for a True Happy Ending.

Dean and Sam still being close brothers and loving each other, but allowing themselves to love and need other people.

Okay I'll go to the point.

A HAPPY ENDING IS SAM AND THEN HAVING OTHER PEOPLE IN THEIR LIVES WITHOUT LOSING EACH OTHER.

A HAPPY ENDING IS THE END OF THE TOXIC CODEPENDENCY AND THE START OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THAT INCLUDES THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

You guys now I've been saying they are hinting at it since my meta of "The Rupture" but this ain't foreshadowing THEY ARE SCREAMING IT. Like I can't come up with a radically different interpretation.

So this episode only got my hopes for endgame Saileen and Destiel (the destiel maybe not at canon as the saileen, but heavily hinted at least) even higher. Specially for the parallel with Eileen having Dean's doubts ("I don't know what's real") and Sam making kinda answering the same ("We are"/"I know that was real"). Btw I'll be screaming because of that for the rest of my days.

[BONUS: Random questions I can't seem to answer.

Does the angels even know God's going bersek? I mean, Belphegor didn't know it was God the one who broke hell... but even Lilith's been brought back. Do they know Micheal's back? God I don't know.

Was that really a possible future? Or it does was like a Zacharaiah tactic? Why does Chuck's abscence makes monster go crazy? Wasn't the point that it didn't unblanaced the powers?

Story-wise, why ain't Cas in next episode?

Was that the last mention of Claire? An off-screen hypotetical death? Please someome let me see my girl again.]

Tagging: @metafest @verobatto-angelxhunter @agusvedder @legendary-destiel @that-one-fandom-chick @studio-hatter

[thepaperqueendom]

So. I need to get this off my chest, scream into the void, whatever, and the place is tumblr because it's the only platform none of my real life people know about.

My best friend has this boyfriend of over two years whom she's madly in love and very happy with. I've only met him 4 times due to the pandemic and whatnot, and he is, as they say, blessedly unsentimental - something she likes because she's a very no-nonsense person herself... and I am too, in a way.

However, his constant casually challenging demeanor and his "keep up or fuck off" Darwinist bullshit attitude are pissing me off big time.

We went to Pride yesterday.

And I do love myself a parade and street party, but I'm also chronically ill, which sometimes makes it very hard for me to think quickly/be witty and interesting and also to function physically. As it goes, I had a medical crisis just as I was literally trying to keep up with friend & bf & his friends, thronging through the masses of people at high speed (they're both quite tall and athletic - I'm not). I did somehow keep up in my panic of losing them and ending up among strangers who don't know my medical history. I tried to shout to my friend through my mask and over the music and general uproar that I needed to take emergency measures, and sat down on the floor to do so as soon as we stopped.

I felt like shit, and nobody cared.

He knows about my illnesses, and she, of course, has known for many years anyway. I really don't blame her for following him/being pulled along, not wanting to lose him in the crowd, and trying to take part in a conversation with/impressing his friends while I was sitting a few feet away, falling apart (I admit I also have a way of doing so inconspicuously, if you will).

After a while, they did ask how I was feeling, but it was too little too late for comfort, and his insensitive way of speaking and immediately challenging my wit just as I was still trying to regain all my senses didn't exactly cheer me up.

What if that's how you're supposed to be at our age? Quick on your feet, sharp-tongued, always ready to be challenged both physically and mentally? She has become increasingly athletic and adventurous and I'm usually unable to cater to that.

What if I am boring my friend? AITA?

In any other context, I would talk to her about absolutely everything, but this is the exception bc he is the love of her fucking life.

TL;DR: I'm in many ways a 90-year-old in a 33-year-old fucked up body and I'm afraid my best friend's bf will somehow convince her that I'm not worth her time.

I wish them nothing but the best because I know how happy he makes her.

But maybe this is where I... pack up and back up.

[die-with-me-dazai]

So do you ship chuuya and Dazai in a romantic sense? Bc I don't and I often feel like I'm on of the few or the only person who sees Dazai and Chuuya's relationship from a different view than most ppl

Okay so I’m SO sorry it took me so ridiculously long to reply to this. I’m not the best with words/directly explaining how I feel/think so I thought if I really took my time to think about this I’d come up with a good way to explain it but unfortunately I just can’t seem to find the right words so I’m just going to do my best now since I can’t bear to let this sit unanswered for yet another day.

So I feel Dazai needs someone who really knows him. Now that doesn’t mean understands him but I feel that Chuuya is more than familiar with Dazai as a person and knows him better than just about anyone else, except maybe Mori and the other older mafia members that watched Dazai grow up. But even then, there’s a certain level of intimacy in peer relationships vs parent/child or even elder/younger sibling relationships.  Dazai needs someone who knows him well enough to know when something isn’t right and that will call him out on it instead of just accepting “that’s just Dazai”. Now in their case that wouldn’t mean your typical fluffy emotional comfort scenario, but more of a “hey stop fuckin around and get your shit done” kind of thing meant to snap Dazai out of whatever thoughts are consuming him at the time.

I feel that while Chuuya and Dazai may not exactly like each other, they still care about each other to an extent because they know each other and there’s a certain comfort in that, even though I think to Dazai that’s both a good and bad thing. I think he tends to keep Chuuya at a comfortable distance emotionally, so while it feels nice to know someone really knows you, sometimes (rarely in Dazai’s case) it can be terrifying realizing they knew you better than you thought and they’re closer than you’d like them to be.

Now in the Mafia there is that unspoken rule “No one will look at what’s in their colleagues. They will not open up the lid over one’s chest to look at their heart and comment at the darkness stuffed within.” (-Odasaku in the Dark Era light novel) so I doubt either has ever tried to pry into the other’s deeper emotions, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t wondered about them.  I’d find it hard to believe that Chuuya has never considered prying at some point, even if it was only one, fleeting thought. While canonically I can’t see Chuuya ever digging into that, personally I’d love for him to try, because like Odasaku said in the light novel, “Perhaps someone should persistently tie Dazai up, open the lid over his chest and stuff the head of a vacuum cleaner in. They have to let Dazai, who should be screaming in pain and resisting, settle down. Following which, the difficult things in his heart must all be dragged out under the sun and stepped on mercilessly.” and I can’t think of anyone better to do that than Chuuya, the person who’s known him and worked beside him as an equal since they were young; the person who most likely knows him better than anyone else. However, despite not necessarily being that emotionally close, we do know Chuuya does care about Dazai at least a little bc he’s clearly concerned about him when he gets injured in the Lovecraft fight.

In Dazai’s case I feel he’s so deeply hurt that he tries to keep from feeling anything too deep for anyone (“Anything I would never want to lose is always lost. It is a given that everything that is worth wanting will be lost the moment I obtain it. There’s nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering.” [It wouldn’t surprise me if part of his reasoning for not wanting to get close to anyone during his mafia days would be because life in the mafia is fleeting, people die every day and it’d hurt like hell to get attached to someone just to lose them *cough*Odasaku*cough*.]) But despite this he still longs for some form of friendship and closeness, as we see in his relationship with Oda and Ango. After finding out about Ango and losing Oda his walls most likely rose higher than ever, afraid to let himself hope for that closeness with anyone else ever again, for fear of tragically losing them just like Oda and Ango. I’m sure that losing them just confirmed his belief that everything worth having is lost the moment he obtains it, so now I bet it’s even harder for him to truly let anyone truly close because it’s already been more than proven to be right.Except Chuuya was there before that. Chuuya was already more or less close before Dazai’s walls grew. After all, I doubt anyone could be partners with someone for so long and never develop the slightest care for them.Now this is just my personal headcanon, but I feel like the reason he set a bomb under Chuuya’s car the night he left was to get rid of the last person who’s relatively close to him, the last person he felt anything for, the last person within those newly built walls that he had ever felt even the slightest emotion for.  However we know he’s a genius when it comes to setting traps to capture or kill, so if he truly wanted Chuuya dead I’m sure he would’ve set up something much more elaborate and sure to kill than just a bomb under his car. So if he really didn’t care about Chuuya, he probably wouldn’t have hesitated to kill him. But I think part of him still longs for that deeper relationship with someone, and since Chuuya is the closest thing he has left, he didn’t fully want to lose him too.We also know that Dazai is soft towards Chuuya when he knows Chuuya won’t hear (and when he’s not around others he’s familiar with), like when Chuuya passed out after using corruption. As much as I think Dazai tries not to get too attached to anyway, I think he does indeed care about Chuuya and considers him a friend, though he would never admit it, since they’ve known each other so long and I’m willing to bet Chuuya’s been there through most of Dazai’s ups and downs in the mafia. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he was ever there for Dazai as a friend or emotional vent or anything, I’m just saying that during Dazai’s time in the mafia, Chuuya was more or less there. Maybe just in the background, but I can’t imagine that familiarity wouldn’t at least provide a small amount of comfort, even if it’s just bc he’s fun to tease and make fun of.

I guess what I’m saying is I think that while both Chuuya and Dazai care about each other, I don’t think canonically either would ever admit it to anyone, and certainly not each other. But as much as I’m a stickler for canon, I personally love soft fluffy romantic ships so I can’t help loving the idea of one taking care of the other when they’re emotionally vulnerable. Like I said at the beginning of this, I think Dazai needs someone who, while they may not understand him, knows him and would be willing to make him open up and vent all the pent up emotions he has bottled up inside. I can’t help but think that if he were to be found in such an emotional state (despite how highly unlikely I feel that is for him) that Chuuya would know the best way to help and care for him, since he’s known him for so long and would be able and unafraid to call him out when he needed it.

TL;DR: Canonically I see Soukoku as partners that care about each other but refuse to admit it, but personally my deep desire to see Dazai emotionally open, cared for, and happy makes me ship it romantically as I think Chuuya knows him better than anyone else and would potentially be softer towards him if he would just let him in. If that makes any sense at all….

Again sorry this took so long to answer. I hope my ridiculously long explanation makes some sort of sense, if it doesn’t I’m really sorry.

[fairycosmos]

sorry to hit u with this but im kind of desperate: what do you do when you stop believing in recovery? i just stopped trying lol like, even if that is a possibility i just don't care, i'd rather die. how do you get back from that? also knowing that i have 0 will to change any behaviour. you dont even need to answer i already know im never going to get out of this situation, only i can make myself recover, and if i'm not willing to do it, than im doomed lol

it’s okay. honestly this is going to be the most frustrating answer ever but so much of recovery is about thinking that you can do it. it doesn’t matter if it feels like a lie, it doesn’t matter if you don’t really believe in it at the moment. how you feel right now is not how you’re always going to feel. do it for the person you’re going to be. generate those positive thoughts anyway, even if it’s hard to take them seriously. do what you can to convince yourself that it’s worth it. you still have to make small efforts, you still have to lean on those around you and you still have to try (even if some days your version of trying is just waking up and getting through the day.) that’s literally the only way. forcing yourself to put one foot in front of the other, forcing yourself to just take it as it comes. that’s all it is. seriously, if you keep telling yourself you don’t have the will to change your behaviour, then that’s how it’s going to be. but it doesn’t have to end up like that - you’re in charge of making the difference. just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean you’re not capable of recovery in actuality. your mental illness is going to try its hardest to make you feel like recovery is completely pointless, so you’re easier to isolate and control. it’s going to make you disregard words of advice, it’s going to make you hide away by yourself. and for what? nothing is going to come of that. it’s the same part of your mind that is making you feel so shitty about everything in the first place, and the only way to take back control is through actively fighting it. you are not your mental illness and your negative thoughts. they don’t have to have the final say. i get that it all sounds like cliche bullshit. i get that when you’re feeling so bad, it doesn’t seem worth attempting to change things. but you don’t have to do it all at once. it’s gradual, it takes time and effort and it’s okay to have days where it feels completely futile. as long as you keep telling yourself that it’s not. you have options. you have different paths and avenues and people that care about your happiness and well being. if you truly want to die, that’s just more of a reason to reach out and to get help. and i have to say, death wouldn’t be easier and it wouldn’t solve all of your problems. it would just cause more pain, for you and the people around you. death is really the only thing that isn’t worth it. it’s a permanent decision based on v temporary circumstances.

you have the emotional intelligence to recognize that you’ve stopped believing in recovery, so i know you’re completely capable of examining why that is and thinking critically about what to do next. forget about what your mind is telling you, forget about how you feel and look at things from an objective point of view. you’re not doing well right now, and you need help. that’s what it comes down to. you don’t need to deny yourself of it just because your brain is telling you to. i understand that the thoughts are loud and sometimes overpowering, but talking to a professional and opening up to people is going to quieten them. it won’t always be easy, but it won’t always be this hard either. eventually, getting help will make you see things from a different point of view. your perspective is clouded at the moment, and your perception of recovery is damaged by past experiences and the issues you’ve got with your mental health, so try to find the inner strength to see past that. like i said before, so much of it depends on you and what you consciously do next. if you keep telling yourself you can’t do it, then that’s what you’re going to believe and it’s going to show in your reality. but if you just try to look at it through a different lens, you’re going to reap the benefits. you have nothing to lose, you’ll be no worse off if you keep going. like for example, i don’t know if you’re going to read any of this. i don’t know if it’ll make a difference in your life or not, but i had to at least attempt bc that’s where the importance is, in trying. i’m sorry i can’t be of more help. i wish there was something i could physically do for you bc i know how shitty it is to feel so low. i’m going to leave a few links that’ll offer further support, please check them out if you have the time. i seriously hope you find a way to make it out of this mindset. if you do, you won’t regret it. i’m always here if you need a friend or someone to talk to. just message me anytime.

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/dealing-with-depression-10-ways-to-feel-positive-and-peaceful/

http://www.sound-mind.org/staying-positive-about-getting-rid-of-anxiety-and-depression.html#.WmhxG65l8dU

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201110/eight-ways-actively-fight-depression

https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-health-newsletter/are-you-afraid-to-ask-for-mental-health-help/

https://www.positivityblog.com/how-to-stay-positive/

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/stay-positive-even-youre-struggling-depression/

[winterywitch]

I just want to say that I really admire the depth you put into your OC's and your confidence in talking about them! I'd like to learn more about them, but I'm on mobile and it isn't letting me search the tags, so... are there any W@tchtower Grotto characters you haven't talked much about that you'd want to talk about?

oh!! ;-; gee thank you.......................

uhhhhhhh gee idk why but it feels like i dont have an actual comprehensive post on who/what nana actually is bc most of my friends know him very well already? so here’s that

hes like... early 30s?? in terms of appearance/maturity, hes the godking of the country in midnight

nana is uh... certainly a rebel at his core thats one way to put it, a lot of core things about him for better or for worse challenge the status quo. he thinks this is a good thing 100% of the time, like he’s some kind of radical rebelling against an oppressive norm on every single norm he challenges. (its not)

he is RIDICULOUSLY people-smart, hes likely an empath and could easily be called a genius when it comes to reading people and understanding how people tend to work.

if he were a dnd character he’d be a sorceror, he casts from charisma not intelligence [though he is certainly NOT lacking in that department]

hes definitely considered the leader of his little commune of kings [involving desiderius, hachi and kyuun], those three tend to defer to him and seek him out for advice [well. they mostly Used to now its just hachi that does that last part]

he sees himself as a teacher and guide to people, which isnt inaccurate necessarily!

hes very good to his people, his country as a whole is doing pretty well financially, there’s a vibe there of everyone taking care of one another! not to mention the fact that its lovely visually

he’s right about most things and he’s comfortably aware of the fact that he’s right about most things. but hes open to being corrected! he cant possibly be right about everything ALL the time!! he just has to consider you an authority on what youre talking about, which is something he very rarely considers other people to be, or he might just ignore your correction. but sometimes he wont, which makes you feel kinda silly for pointing out his tendency for hypocrisy! how confusing. it’s hard to keep up with this one.

he, like all of his colleagues minus desiderius, thinks he is the only Good King while all the others are complete messes who dont know what theyre doing or are just flat out bad people. but like, yknow, its a fucked up dysfunctional family! that’s totally normal, right??1/11

something about him just makes you think “theres a guy who knows his shit,” its probably his sturdy [outward] confidence, his [appearance of] wisdom, his [very real] intelligence and his long list of supporters that make you think that about him

his hair is weird as shit! there are ‘stars’ in it that glow, not BLINDINGLY bright but i mean yknow, they do glow, and where theyre embedded in his hair theres increased physical sensitivity. pulling on this guy’s hair fucking HURTS, even petting it can be uncomfortable if youre not really really careful. not to mention a fucking haircut, good lord (haha)

his parents were kind of like... very emotionally shallow, they were the sorts of people to be like Oh I’m Fine ^_^ at everything, and in subtle and hard-to-detect ways, they would punish nana for showing emotion of any kind (for example, laughing at him when he would cry at sad things as a child). because of this, he is now very open about his emotions and embraces them as something he should listen to and follow rather than only relying on cold logic as his parents tried to have him do. (its a lot more sinister in practice than it sounds, because yeah most of the time it is innocent like this but at the same time, he takes his own feelings VERY seriously and if you hurt them, even if it’s just by having boundaries, he will identify you as someone mistreating him or even abusing him depending on how close you are]

[heres where we get into The Shit, big tw for abuse, csa/pedophilia and “marital” sexual abuse/assault]

his closest friend and advisor arya kurosawa has been his best friend since they were both teenagers. they met when arya was 14 and nana was 17 [in terms of appearance/maturity are what those ages refer to, they were both immortal] and they got along very well.

of course by very well i mean on top of getting along very well, nana has ALWAYS had an inherent, base-level disrespect for arya’s boundaries. it’s been there since they were teens, and it mostly manifested in nana pressuring arya to do [mostly innocent - but the pressure and coercion made them not so innocent] things he was scared to do.

they were inseparable pretty much ever since they met and VERY, very in love with each other

they definitely were a romantic item by the time nana inherited the throne from his mother, and the age gap was definitely concerning but it only grew more concerning as nana’s mental/appearance age rose because he was growing up emotionally and psychologically and arya’s... stagnated.

when nana was in his early 30s so to speak, arya was stuck at 14-15 or so. and like... they didnt really see anything weird about that, they figured “well we both met when we were kids so its not like nana is a pedophile or anything, why question something so good?”

to someone who didnt know better wrt age gaps in romantic relationships and pedophilia, the relationship between those two would have looked completely normal and healthy. there was certainly an appearance of mutual respect, support, love and commitment

nana could only treat a 14-15 year old so much like his equal. to be totally honest, even since they were teenagers, nana treated arya like his inferior, like a student that needed to be taught, and that dynamic only grew/got worse as nana aged mentally.

but at the same time arya also taught nana so many things! see? nana wasn’t some condescending prick! obviously everything is fine. there were a lot of ways sometimes in which ARYA was the adult and nana was the child ^_^ so it’s equal, right?

arya certainly didnt know any better, nana was the love of his life and that was all there was to it. he knew [because of nana] that any discrimination they might face due to their ages in this relationship was simply unfounded, cruel bigotry from a species of essentially cavemen who were afraid of fire. he knew he was progressive for his time, in a couple decades probably everyone else would come to their senses too!

long story short, one day arya very quickly, almost violently realized EXACTLY everything that was wrong. nana’s condescending behavior had come to a head and someone arya considered a playful rival had forced him, very painfully, to face the truth of what this relationship was: abuse from a man who should know better, taking advantage of a boy who didnt.

arya couldnt exactly love nana after realizing this. and it really fucking sucked. he really wanted to go back to the way things used to be, he wanted to “undiscover” what he’d discovered, but there was no way back and he felt so broken and dirty and ungrateful and bratty and selfish for suddenly feeling this way.

nana on the other hand noticed arya very suddenly averse to being touched or held or even looked at. for a while, he was very understanding about this - what that playful rival did was essentially cast a spell and at first he thought arya was just sick or physically not well or something, and that he’d get better soon.

he didn’t.

nana didn’t know what to do. suddenly arya was neglecting him, acting like he was terrified of nana. he’d never been like this before, what happened? it’s incredibly painful and confusing, losing the love of your life like that; one day you’re everything to them, and the next they’re flinching every time you raise your hand around them. nana had never hit him or abused him verbally... in fact, it was nana who HELPED ARYA gain the strength and courage he needed to become independent from his emotionally abusive parents. so why was nana suddenly the bad guy? he had no idea what happened, why, how to fix it, or anything like that.

eventually he snapped, unable to take being deprived of love and attention like this, so he just took whatever he wanted, physically, not caring what arya thought of it.

he knew it was wrong. he knew he’d definitely crossed the line into objectively unforgivable actions. but he was almost too afraid to stop and relinquish this power over arya, because then he had to A.) lose arya, and B.) be held accountable for his actions. both two very terrifying things he saw no personal gain in.

that went on for a long time, until nana sort of... slowly realized he was feeling weaker and weaker, more prone to physical weariness dizziness, severe headaches and nausea, and he didn’t put 2 and 2 together until it was too late.

arya had figured out how to start poisoning him and getting away with it.

by that point, nana realized not just what was happening and why, but also that he unquestionably, factually deserved this pain and much, much more. that realization was too much for him, it sort of broke him psychologically for a very long time, leaving him completely helpless to whatever revenge arya decided to take on him

[it was all physical and psychological torture, but arya was certain NEVER to stoop to his level and sexually abuse nana. he couldnt even think of sleeping with nana “consensually” anyway, it made him horribly sick to even consider]

eventually after a long-ass time of this, arya just got sick of looking at nana and couldn’t even be around him anymore without feeling absolutely god-awful, so he just abandoned nana, leaving him to fester in his broken body and mind

and y’know, stuff happens after that, but thats all there really is to the most prominent phase of nana’s development in THIS story. i also play him in his phase of development after that last bullet point [roughly 200 years later], where he’s fucked up in all kinds of ways and totally deserving it, but also trying to... not really redeem himself or anything like that, he knows that’s not really a thing, but rather to make himself useful to good people who want to do the right thing, in a dnd campaign

nana goes through a SHIT TON of changes, to the point that each phase of his development has his own individual profile on toyhou.se, he’s become a Big Trauma Coping Character for me and somewhat an experiment in redemption arcs, seeing what exactly should happen and how to make “redemption” arcs seem not cheap or forced

here’s the one i talked about in this post though

http://toyhou.se/335049.nana-of-the-stars

[avpdnoisearchive]

to make it short, is it possible to be a huge extrovert and still have avpd?? i'm outgoing af and i talk a lot///// and if the person is younger than me i actively make an attempt to talk just to talk bc i remember being the quiet kid and wanting but not wanting to be talked to. then there's the discomfort thing, ofc. my entire inner monologue about people and even when there's not people who will spectate ultimately leads to: "oh god will this embarrass me" or "this minor thing makes me a Bad"

also i'm not scared of abandonment until there are (unreasonable??? i can't tell) signs of it. example: considering my own fears, abandonment isn't really among them. i think: i can do fine alone, ive done it before. and then im not included to an Outing (LOL the thing is the outing would make me So FuckiNg Anxious probably) or somebody's like "hey i can't talk rn" and it's all Fuck they hate me it's Time To Die™ because i as a person am a huge inconvenience and therefore don't deserve existence

absolutely! i myself basically have two modes: either i literally say NOTHING or i cannot stop fucking talking. there’s no in-between. and when it’s the latter, i probably seem very extroverted!! but like you, i have that inner monologue of ‘holy shit what am i saying please shut up this is embarrassing’ etc. but yeah there’s nothing in the DSM about being introverted or extroverted so you could definitely have avpd!

plus talking a lot and being outgoing doesn’t mean you’re an extrovert necessarily! for me, i talk a lot because of anxiety. + there’s the whole avpd thing of ‘i’m gonna say a lot of weird shit and overshare so that these people reject me before we can become close.’

also fear of abandonment isn’t really an avpd thing (that’s more bpd). for people with avpd, it’s a fear of rejection (going off of my own experiences + the DSM-V). i feel the exact same as you! my avpd makes me want to become Completely Alone, because no one can reject me if i don’t have anyone. not being included in outings and someone brushing me off feels like rejection to me and makes me freak the fuck out. rejection + abandonment are very similar ideas so it can be confusing, but basically the difference in the fear is “they’re leaving because they hate me and they’re criticizing me and telling me i’m awful” vs. “they’re leaving.” of course there can be some overlap and it’s not so black and white, but basically i get scared that i’m a bad person and that’s why they’re leaving me, rather than just being mainly afraid of being left. does that make sense?? it’s not them abandoning me that scares me, sometimes it’s actually a relief to lose a friend?? but them thinking i’m an awful person and hating me is The Worst

anyway this is all to say that everything you’ve described to me sounds like symptoms of avpd and are things i experience myself! obviously you’d have to have all the symptoms of avpd like severely low self esteem and it impairing your functioning and whatnot, but yes everything you’ve described fits into having avpd. i hope this helped!!