#anyway i went to high school with this person but we didn't really know eachother but he seems nice

[halfdeadwallfly]

desperately trying to heal my soul with montgomery ricky

whyyy do i have no friends i just need to tallkkkkk to someoneee

[klaustheclock]

Ok I'm sorry to like the 1 person reading this at the moment but-

Why do people think being the favorite and golden child is a good thing?

Because I'm sorry but its the worst thing ever.

Ok I'm sorry I not trying to sound rude or inconsiderate or selfish but it's really bad and I just need to rant my heart out.

Also my situation is a little different because I got really old parents(I'm talking in their 50s).

Ok so let's start with being the "favorite child". Also I'm sorry to all the people who had to deal with worst favoritism and being the unloved child. Ok so I know being the favorite sounds amazing on surface value but it's not. I'm the youngest and you probably expect me to be a spoiled brat who gets everything and narcissistic because I'm the "favorite". But that's far from the truth. I don't get everything I want, I have extremely low self esteem and I'm not a spoiled brat. I honestly used to this that all the stereo types about favored and gifted children were true but now I realize that for me and some others it's not. I used to beat myself up for these things and tbh I still do even though I've come to terms with the fact that there not true.

This is probably due to my siblings. I have two older sisters, both of which are in high school. Because my parents favor me more I have a strained relationship with them(if you can even call it that). There both incredibly bitchy to me and shit. There rude and they criticize my every more. They beat me down whenever they get a chance, even if I'm already at rock bottom. This is probably because they think they have to make me suffer because of our parents. Which isn't fair at all. I can’t even talk to them about my feelings because they'll use it against me or they just call me sensitive and won't give two fucks. They talk to eachother about there feelings and experiences all the time and just disclude me. They also talk about me behind my back and even to our parents. At first when I was younger I thought it was just them joking around with me but I realized when I got older that it wasn't. However my parents "favor" isn't even really big. Our parents still buy then what they want despite saying they wouldn’t. So they beg and get a lot of things but the moment I ask for a book or something there mad at me and calling me a spoiled brat. Which leads me to my next point.

Being the golden/gifted child

If I had a dollar for everytime I had a mental breakdown because of my grades I'd be a million air.

So I have something called academic validation. Meaning that my self worth is solely dependent on my grades. I was always a nerd but this is just to much. My oldest sister used to be in the same role but the pressure was lighter. So when she got into high school she said fuck school and started skipping classes and shit. This was bad but it didn't help that my brother who is 21 now did the same thing but worse. It started with my brother so our parents started to put pressure on my oldest sister and me, the youngest. They said the the middle child grades were fine even though they were lower the both of ours. We were always straight A students but then my sister decided she didn't care anymore that left all the pressure on me. I was only in 5th grade at the time so it was a lot on me. When I talked to my sister about it all she said was "don't care, deal with it". And so I did.

All my middle school years was just academics. I went to a Ib league school so the work was harder than your average American school. I sill managed to keep all A's but I wasn't happy at all. I never got anything for my academics anyway. My parents just brushed it off and said, "Your smart you should get these grades anyway. We shouldn't have to be expected to give you something." All I asked for was a good job or something like that. That night I broke down completely. Then I finally realized that no matter what I do ill never be good enough for anybody. I had no good traits about me. I hear no talent, I wasn't pretty, and I wasn't really a fun person to be around. I over thought everything I did so whenever we played games I couldn't deal with the pressure. Once one of my friends told me "your the only person who I know can make the game hangman unfun." It was supposed to be a joke and we laughed it off but that made me want to cry. That day i realized from another friend that we kinda grew up to fast. Looking at it now I didn’t really have a child hood. I was always fored to play catch up with my older siblings. I always had to be on par with them to even be looked at as a human being.

I was always the one people looked for help to with was good(I love helping people) but it kinda became overwhelming. I kinda just hide it with jokes about myself. I'm the therapist friend but yet I can't tell people my feelings. I can’t talk to my parents, my sisters, my friends, and I don't have a lover. They'll either just brush it off or not care at all. It hurts a lot. This leads me to often be confined and left alone with my emotions.

Which leads to me today. The me currently writing this long ass Ted talk. I have terrible anxiety and zero self worth and I feel the need to be validated with my grades and by the people around me. But even with all this I still feel empty. Like it's just hard. I turn to books and history to try and distract me but that can only take you so far. Also I find myself comparing myself to my friends because my parents always compared me to my siblings. I feel the emine pressure to fit into the mold my teachers, friends, and parents think I am and want. I work as hard as I can but it feels like I always come short.

I apologize sincerely if this comes off as selfish or narcissistic.

I wanna try and over come this and gain confidence in myself but it seems impossible. I'm still only in the 8th grade so maybe it'll finally dawn on me. It's just wherever I try to reach out for help I feel so selfish and entitled. It's like a voice in the back of your mind telling you "People deal with so much worse than this and you have the audacity to cry at these things? You shouldn't feel this way just suck it up. Your just weak, nothings wrong with you."

Thank you for listening to my rant, I apologize for wasting your time.

[stitchbxby]

i've never really unpacked how SA affected me.

content warning for mentions and description of SA, self harm, rape, sexual harassment, alcohol, drugs, this won't be super graphic but still big trigger warning

i was stuck in an abusive... situationship? from mid-2020 to late 2022, starting at the age of 16 and ending just after i turned 19. it was with one of the first people i felt 'safe' coming out to - my previous friends were now my bullies after i'd expressed that i wasn't just a sorta feminine cis boy, the friends i gained after that were rapidly slipping away from me due to both my and their mental health, and my family were (and are) entirely unsupportive.

by the time we became friends, i was already isolated, but had the mentality of "i need to just focus on studying, nobody's gonna want me anyway". but he did. we spoke every day during our free hours at school, we got lunch together, we introduced eachother to youtubers, music, anime we liked. it was nice. i never really doubted that this person was a genuine friend to me.

after a few months, the other friends i had gave me an ultimatum. i stop spending time with him, or they stop speaking to me completely. i never understood why until a long time later - he had done everything i'm about to type out to one of them, and never told anyone. i never figured it out until he told me about her a long time later, presenting it as if *she* was the one in the wrong. by then, i was seeing a lot of cracks. "red flags". but it was too late; i was already further isolated because, as you can likely infer, i picked him.

it started with sitting closer and closer to me. first on opposite sides of a lunch table, then to sitting together on the more isolated tables that were outside one of the buildings on campus. soon that became taking me to the park during our free periods, it became resting a hand on my thigh, or around my shoulder, whilst we sat on a bench together. i was uncomfortable, but never expressed it. after all, this was my only genuine friend. right?

i'm realising that i'm starting to relive things, and that's not healthy for me. my hands are shaky, my head is spinning, and i don't know if that's adrenaline or the alcohol in me right now.

anyway. my grades slipped pretty hard in my second-to-last year. redeemable, sure, but going from a straight-A kid, someone who was in the top 3% nationally in some classes, to getting Bs, Cs, and becoming 'just average' hurt. my teachers were disappointed, but i never received the support i needed. i asked, but i was a gifted kid who just did badly once, right? there were no other factors.

his grades never slipped. he derided me for doing so much worse than him. not just academically, but with art, music, anything, really. it just made me beg for that validation even more, even if it came at the cost of my body. i ended up failing high school, in case you're wondering.

you've probably guessed by now, but it never stopped at the groping. he invited me to his house once. i was drunk and fell asleep clothed on his couch, but i didn't wake up that way. i won't describe the rest, neither you or i deserve to see that. it progressed, both the visiting and the abuse, to every week or two. sometimes multiple times in that week. i suffered through it because he gave me beer, weed, pizza, things that i couldn't afford. gifts, validation, a facsimile of support. that went on for 2 years straight.

a couple of months before i finally cut him off, i was sitting on the opposite side of his parents' garage with a bottle of cheap beer. we hadn't said anything for maybe 30 minutes. he says "my love language is touch." he's said this before. "that's why i-". he stops himself. we didn't speak much after that.

i blame myself a lot. i applied to university. i got accepted by one. the same one he is still attending as i write. i never went, by then i was finally putting words to what was happening to me. words that never fully formed until i spoke to my now-fiancée on a nighttime discord call in late 2023. i still blame myself a lot, but it's a little better now.

i ended up messaging him not too long ago. i asked him if he regretted it. there was no "regretted what?" "what do you mean?". instead, "you were never clear about your consent" "i was confused, i didn't know what to do" "touch is my love language, you always knew that".

he always knew. he always knew. he always knew. why didn't i? why was i never given the words i needed? why, when i began to form the words, did nobody hear them?

i can't blame my former friends for cutting me off. i don't know who or what to blame, really. i want to blame. can i blame him? i don't know. that's why i blame myself.

i'm left with a very deep resentment but i've never really been sure how to direct it. i'm left with toxic shame towards my own actions, and constant self-scrutiny telling me that he made us alike. physical and psychological self-harm, flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks when i see people that look like him. there's a lot of people that look like him.

[sweetangerinee]

The witch of Hawkins (One Shot)

Eddie Munson x Harrington!Reader (she/her)

Word Count: 1.5k

Warnings: None, though please do correct me if I'm wrong

Summary: When Steve is feeling sad an unexpected friend comes to see him (this is set in S3, but Eddie is already apart of Dustin and Steve's lives) Enjoy! :))

This idea was based off a request by @spoooodermann

Your brother Steve Harrington has been down in the dumps since his little best friend (Dustin Henderson) has gone to summer camp. You've tried to cheer him up but you've never been great at cheering up people.

He has his job at Scoops to keep him going and apparently he's made a friend with his coworker Robin. But you had no idea it was this bad, when your brother told you that Eddie Munson was coming over to hang out, you were shocked to say the least.

You knew Eddie, you were also a fellow 'freak' at Hawkins High but you never really talked to him, except from buying from him a couple of times. You were curious to see how tonight would go considering your brother was not the kind of person to 'hang out' with Eddie Munson.

LATER THAT DAY

You were in your room when you heard the doorbell go, you were just about to get it when you heard your brother shout "I'll get it!" You then instantly knew it was Eddie.

Your parents were on one of their holidays, they were never at home much anyway so it was always just you and your brother.

You heard the door closing and them talking downstairs. You got up and made your way downstairs to the kitchen when you passed them talking on the couch "Oh Y/N! This is Eddie, Eddie this is my sister Y/N" Eddie turned to look at you. "Wait Y/N as in the witch of Hawkins?" You chuckled, surprised that he remembered you. "Yes the one and only, nice to see you remembered me freak!" Eddie laughed.

You turned to Steve and asked "Anyways, what are you guys up to?" Steve looked confused at the whole interaction that just took place. "Oh we were about to watch some movie Eddie brought over, what's it called again?" Eddie picked up the VHS. "The Rocky Horror Picture Show, I saw it at Family Video and it looked interesting, have you seen it?" "Have I seen it? It's my favourite movie! Steve you should know that" You say as hitting your brother on the head.

"Sorry! Do you wanna watch it with us?" You pondered wether to say yes or not because you knew you would be geeking out the whole time but you decided there is never a bad way to watch Rocky Horror. "You know what I think I will"

You walked through to the kitchen and grabbed some popcorn and put it in the microwave as Steve walked through. "I didn't know you knew Eddie" He said as he came up beside you. "I don't really know him, we only saw eachother in school" Steve looked at you right in the eyes. "Are you sure? Because I've never seen him like that before" "Like what?" Steve paused, he looked as if he was trying to find the right word to say. "Love stuck?" "Shut up Steve no way!" You say as you get the popcorn and drinks for you three. "I don't know Y/N, he had that same look I have whenever I'm around Nance" "Okay first of all you need to get over Nancy Wheeler okay? And second, why are playing Cupid here? You've never shown interest in who I like until now" "Oh so you do like him?" "It doesn't matter, now come on we have a movie to watch" You were trying so hard to change the subject as you made your way back to the living room. "Okay suuuure change the subject but I think, no I'm sure he likes you"

You sat down on the couch next to Eddie and handed him a drink.

As the movie went on you kept noticing Eddie looking over at you, the first couple of times you thought it was just because you were mumbling along to the songs but whenever you looked back at him he would look the other way. Steve noticed too and kept nudging you everytime he did it, you turned and gave him a glare that let him know to stop doing it.

Meanwhile Eddie was head over heals, he had always thought you were attractive in school but he never made a move. So when he saw you come down the stairs he thought he was dreaming until Steve introduced you. He was even more shocked when you remembered who he was. You were just in your PJ's but he had never seen you more beautiful, it actually took his breath away. He didn't even pay attention to the movie because all he could hear was you singing along and he wanted so badly to tell you how good you were singing but he just kept quiet.

The movie finished and you turned to them to see what they thought. "Well what did you think?" Steve looked confused as he said "So those guys where aliens?" "Well yes, but what did you think?" "I thought it was good, a bit confusing but good. What about you Eddie?"

You both turned to Eddie. "Umm yeah I thought it was great! Loved the guy in the makeup" He said knowing well enough that he hadn't payed attention at all. "You mean Frank N' Furter? I dressed up as him for Halloween, one sec I'll go get the photos" You got up and run upstairs to get them.

"I know you didn't watch a second of that dude, do you like my sister?" Steve asked. "What? No I don't know what your taking about" Eddie wasn't fooling anyone, no wonder he kept failing drama at school if he couldn't even tell a white lie. "Munson I know that look in your eye, you have the hots for my sister and you should tell her!" Steve was more excited about this that you two. "Woah there Harrington! why are you so interested in this? it's not like you would want someone like me going out with your sister" Steve knew of Eddie's reputation and how he was not well liked by most of Hawkins, but he could tell whenever he was around him or when Dustin went on his many rambles about him that he was a good guy underneath it all. Also you didn't have good luck with boyfriends, so if him playing matchmaker meant you had a good boyfriend for once then he was more than willing to do so. "Eddie, she is going to kill me for saying this but she likes you too, she won't admit it but she definitely does" Eddie was about to say something as you came running down the stairs with a shoebox full of photos.

You sat in-between Eddie and Steve and started sifting through them to find the ones you were looking for, but you couldn't help but feel tension in the air. You wonder if Steve had said to something to Eddie as you were upstairs but that thought drifts away as you find the photos you were looking for. "Here they are!" You say as you handed the polaroids to Eddie.

Eddie could feel the heat rising in his cheeks as he was looking at pictures of you in your red corset and stockings. "You look amazing in these Y/N" Eddie blurted out. You started blushing at his compliment and Steve was definitely noticing it. "Thanks Munson, this whole metalhead look you've got now suits you too" The last time you saw him his hair was only a little grown out and he didn't seem to know who he was but you could tell he has definitely found himself since then.

Eddie was full on about to melt into a puddle on the floor when he looked at his watch. "Shit it's 11 already? I told Wayne I'd be back by now" He said as he stood up. "Oh don't worry, I can drive you home if you want" You offer. "Nah it's okay I have my van with me, thank you for the offer though" He made his way to the door as he realised that he still had one of your photos in his hand. "Oh here's your photo back" You reach out to grab it when you then decide.

"Actually you can keep it, get home safe!" Eddie took it in his hand and opened the door "Thank you! See you guys later Harringtons!" "See you later Munson!" Steve shouts as you close the door behind Eddie.

"You totally have a crush on Eddie and he totally likes you back!" Steve said as he was pointing at you. Well there was no point in denying it now "Okay maybe I have a tiny crush on Munson but who said anything about him liking me back?" You say as you are cleaning up the snacks you guys had eaten during the film and walking to the kitchen, Steve follows you. "He does he told me when you went upstairs!" You put the rubbish in the bin then made you way towards the stairs. "Sure Steve! I love you and goodnight" You shout as you make your way to your room. "Love you too! Have fun dreaming about Eddie" "Shut up!"

You close your bedroom door and lie down on your bed. You didn't know for sure how Eddie felt about you but you did know one thing.

You have a massive thing for Eddie Munson.

Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed! I would love any feedback anyone has :))

Requests are also open so feel free to send them <33

[iknowitwell-caramel]

Summertime and Butterflies (CTH)

A/N: I got this idea like late last night and thought I would write it. This isn't my first time writing but first time putting it on tumblr- So, lemme know what you guys think :)

Oh and the story takes place in the summer of 1995 !

-------------

I woke up to the sun in my face and my alarm clock blaring. I cursed at myself for not closing the curtains last night before falling asleep. I pushed the off button on the alarm clock and pulled the covers over my head. Today, I was dreading the fact that I had to wake up.

I pushed myself out of bed a quickly checked the time on the clock hung on the wall.

9:15 am

I walked into the kitchen hoping to find my aunt there. I lived with her in a small town in the middle of nowhere, it's actually not as fun as it seems. Everyone here knows eachother and there are never new people in town, so it gets quite boring.

I saw a note on the fridge as I walked past it. The note was from Aunt Jen.

Good morning Y/N,

I had to leave early this morning for a big order that I had received last night. I'm so sorry, I know we had plans for today but I hope we can watch the movie another time. And if ya want, you can come visit me at the bakery after work today.

I'm so sorry dear.

- Aunt Jen <3

I smiled at the note and made myself something to eat.

***

I walked out of the house and made sure to lock the door before leaving. I waved to my neighbor who was leaving to walk their dog.

Now I was off to work.

*ding*

The door went once I opened the door to the ice cream shop I worked at. The shop was empty as usual. We didn't really get many customers during the morning. Everyday felt like a repeat of the day before. I hated this town so much but I loved it just as much.

I was practically counting the days till I could move out of this town. Which would be when I finish high school of course and I was almost done with that. Next year would be my last year here, hopefully.

"ANNA," I yelled looking around for my co-worker who also seemed to be best friend at this point.

I walked to the back and set my bag on the table and grabbed my apron.

"ANNA!" I yelled again not finding her anywhere in the shop.

"WHAT?" I heard her yell back from the window next to the back door.

I opened the door to find her smoking outside.

"You know it's 9:30 in the morning right?" I said

"Good morning to you too," She said as she roller her eyes at me

"Anyways, you were supposed to take out the garbage last night. It's still there," I said as I walked back inside.

"The garbage isn't even full yet, we got a total of 2 customers yesterday," She said through the small window.

I walked back to the front and played some music to help the day go by a little faster.

You might be thinking 'oh a small town would make a great tourist attraction!' Well, not really. You see the only touristy thing you could find here was the small waterfall or the annual carnival that happens every summer.

The carnival is probably the only time I actually enjoy being here. The only thing was that this year at the carnival I would be third wheeling Anna. Since she got a boyfriend this year, of course she would be going to the carnival with him. Which means I have two options, go alone or third wheel with Anna and her boyfriend.

But Anna was determined to find me a date so I wouldn't be alone for the carnival. So far, she has had no luck.

I was pulled out of my thoughts as a tall-beanie wearing-skate boarding-tattooed-brown haired boy walked through the door. He looked my age, but I had never seen him here.

A new person? Here? That happens once in a blue moon.

"Hi," He said with a small wave.

"Hello, what can I get you today?" I asked.

"Well, actually I'm new here and I saw the Help Wanted sign in the window. I was wondering if you were still hiring," He said with a smile

"Um, I think we ar-" I was interupted by Anna who of course had something to say.

"Sadly, I don't think you can do that," She said as she walked up to the counter.

"And why is that?" I questioned, the boy gave her a puzzled looked

"Because according to the company policy you can't date your co-workers,"

"Anna, you have a boyfriend," I rolled my eyes at her.

"Sorry about her, I'm sure you ca-" once again she interupts me

"I do have a boyfriend, but that's not what I mean't silly. I mean't, that you both shou-"

"Shut it," I shot her a glare.

I pulled her away from the counter and into the back. I gave the boy a small, apologetic smile and told him to wait there.

"We need the help, I think we should hire him. Plus he's new here, that never happens," I said

"I agree we do, but we don't need the help. We need the company, this job is slowly driving me insane," She said with a small laugh.

I was about to walk back to the front but a question popped into my head. I turned back around.

"Wait that isn't actually a company policy right?" I asked

"Why?" She asked wiggling her eyebrows at me

"Because he is really cute compared to everyone else in this hell hole," I said

"Yeah, no it's not a policy. I was just joking around," She said laughing a little again

I walked back to the front with an apron in my hand.

"Congrats, you're hired skater boy," I said as I pushed the apron to his chest and gave him a wink.

"Wait what? That's it? I'm hired? No, like resume or anything?" He followed to the back and to where the freezers where located with all the bigger ice cream tubs.

"Yeah, that's basically it. Wait, actually can you scoop ice cream and put it in a cone?" I asked looking back at him.

He just nodded his head.

"See that's good and now you got the job," I said smiling at him

"Sick!"

"So what's your name skater boy? Or do you prefered to be called skated boy?" I said as I took out one of the tubs

"Uh actually, my names Calum. What's yours?" He said reaching out to shake my hand. I looked at his hand puzzled, because no one our age really shook hands.

"That's a nice name, my names Y/N. It's nice to meet you Calum," I say as I shook his hand.

"Y/N is such a pretty name," He said

"Thanks,"

"So, is that no dating your co-workers rule real? If it is I might just quit," He said laughing a little.

"Uh no it's not," I say laughing as well but a blush creeping up on my face and some butterflies forming in my stomach.

I turned away from him and continued to fill the tubs of ice cream with the right flavours.

"Hey, so maybe I can walk you to your house?" Calum asked as we exited the shop.

"I would like that," I smiled at him and he smiled back. He had such a great smile.

I know I just met him today, but something about him made me want to be around him all the time. I wanted to see him smile more, the smile that makes his eyes scrunch with just pure happiness.

I'm really swooning over a boy I just met. Damn.

"So, what brings you here to this dumpster of a town?" I asked Calum

"Well, I'm actually just staying here for the summer. I came here to visit some family, so I'm not really from around here. But you already knew that," He said

"Yeah, the accent gives it away," I said chuckling a bit.

"You're the one with the accent," He said getting defensive.

"No? I love your accent, it's kinda hot if you ask me," I said finding courage I didn't know I had.

"Your accent isn't that hot. You pronounce your words weird," He said jokingly. I nudged his side at the comment.

"So where are you from?" I asked

"Australia,"

I just nodded to his response, and we walked in some comfortable silence as we approached my house.

"Well, this is me," I said coming to a stop infront of my house.

"It was nice meeting you, Calum,"

"It was nice meeting you Y/N,"

"I'll see you at work tomorrow?" I asked

"Yup, good night," He smiled and waved to me as I walked to my door.

[wellijustfinnihedoneofthebooks]

Dumb things kids I've known have done that i find unreasonably funny

Time to explain the fuckery.

1. Bucket hat kid. So you know it was the dc trip in eighth grade and this one kid gets 3 bucket hats and 2 visors, so of course he decides to wear them all at the same time, now of course this is funny but here's the part I find even funnier when we were going back onto the bus me and my friend overheard his friend ranting, "Why do all of you keep getting bucket hats!?! Why!?! You all look the exact same! [He said bucket hat kid's name here but Im not gonna say his name] speant all of MY money on bucket hats! I hate bucket hats!" Which made me and my friend fucking die cause like bruh why did you give him money? Like dude you could've just not given him money to buy bucket hats with? Anyways time for more stories about bucket hat kid, to start off a personal favorite of mine, at like the cruise thing at dc he did a backflip to start the night. Like an absolute mad man he did a backflip (later the dj told everyone no flipping allowed. Buzzkill.). In like 6th grade when they announced who got perfect attendance he got it but was absent that day. He's really good at blackjack. One time him and another kid got in an argument and the other kid at one point just goes "well you dont have earlobes!", he has really small ears, and then he very angrilly responded with "i do! They're just little!" I found it very entertaining to watch from 2 seats away.

2. Double racket kid. Basically just once durring gym everyone was doing badminton and this one kid is just using 2 rackets and doing like the best in the class and then the minute he has to put down a racket he did really poorly. He's also my rival so I gotta include him, in all the classes we share we have a contest on which one of us can answer first, it is really intense in history. Were usually both unofficial team leaders in class debates and will just try our best to destroy eachother. And we cant work together cause then it's unfair for everyone else.

3. Salt bae. So one time for spirit week we had character day where you dress up as whoever you want and this absolute icon dresses up as salt bae and carries around a morton thing of salt all day. She's also a genuinly helarious person. And she was my only friend in 3rd grade and like it's impressive to be able to tolerate 3rd grade me, we bonded over anime at the lunch table :)

4. Virginity rocks. Time to go into the blondest person I've ever met, like no exadurating his hair is that shade of yellow, but so he sometimes just wears a hoodie that says "virginity rocks" on it, and according to my friend he also has a virginity rocks t-shirt, so there's a chance he has a virginity rocks shirt under his virginity rocks hoodie, and his phone background is virginity rocks and his Instagram profile picture. It's nice to see consistency in a person. But time for the real funny thing about him, the way he plays sports in gym. For instance once durring the pre-mentioned badminton game he placed his racket on the ground and tried to hit it with his hand, he also tried hitting it with his foot, but the main thing he does is try to hit stuff as high and hard as he can, like whenever there was free gym him and his friend would play hockey, and he would just try to launch the puck into the wall above the goal as much as possible, at one point he flung a waterbattle into the bleachers with his hockey stick while me and my friend were near the bleachers and he got extremely excited about it and braged to anyone in the near vicinity (honestly same bro) which me and my friend were the first he bragged about it to. I don't think I've ever seen anyone more excited than he was after hitting a water bottle into the bleachers. He also often would try to play hockey with basketballs. Or one time his friend left the hockey game to go play soccer so he went tok annoy him back into hockey by trying to play the soccer game with a hockey stick. Very entertaining person 10/10.

5. "Aren't eggs stored in the balls?" A quote from the magical time of eighth grade when a girl said this durring health. From the same girl that said "what's hygiene?" We got "aren't eggs stored in the balls?" To which the entire class died. Cause my god how did you get this far. 10/10 helarious but doesn't know it.

6. Tutu. So it was some like pink day thing so of course this dude comes in the outfit he wears everyday and a pink tutu. Okay but time to get into the real shit, so once durring spanish in one of the few moments of quiet this kid leans over to his friend and asks "could a dog have sex with a human?" Now he was clearly trying to whisper but he clearly can't physically whisper (same bro) and so the entire class lost it. As anyone would in that situation. Another time so a teacher put on finding nemo and he just started reciting along with it, like perfectly, at the end of that class he looked at me and said "I don't even like this movie." Legend. One time at the end of the year in sciemce sense we didn't have much to do the teacher layed out some stem kits things (similar to legos but not quite) and we got into groups of 4 and were supposed to make cars with the instructions provided, me and him were in the same group. For the first half of the class me and him just sorted out the parts while the other 2 actually made model cars and stuff but then we started messing with wheels and we made our own car completely without the instructions and barely staying together. The other 2 made 2 cars that worked perfectly and we made 1 car that only rolled if you pushed it (you were supposed to put in a rubber band to launch it. We didnt cause that seemed hard.) and might fall apart at that. But for 2 minutes we had a lovely (lovely to us at least) car that we then had to dismantle. It was fun. Then so one time when school was over I was walking down the stairs to leave, they were fairly empty for once and then suddenly a backpack flies over the edge and lands infront of me, I turn around to see this kid sliding down the railing which he then picks up his backpack and runs out. He's also one of the most charismatic and easy to talk to people I've ever met and that's not an exaduration. Like he can talk to litterily anyone.

That's not all the dumb shit I've seen at school but those are some big funny ones.

[rivervixen327]

A change of heart (James and lily)

Aesthetic for chapter

Chapter ONE↓

1

The summer holidays were finally over and none could be happy about the fact, than the two sisters that sat silently in the back of their father's car. Petunia Evans was on cloud nine so much so that she hadn't complained once about the owl, that lay resting in it's cage on her sisters lap. Neither had she moaned about coming to wave off her younger sister,as she got on the train back to her precious school. Petunia Evans was in a good mood as she had been all summer long,yes it's very true the blondes holiday had been a Great one. She had met a boy over the summer break at the firm she was interning at, collecting coffee and fetching tea was all petunia Evans really did. It was wasn't anything truly exciting and to be honest she didn't really learn much, but she had a met a boy.

Vernon Dursley was the name he was a little older than her, he had an apprenticeships at Grunings he made drills and was very good, it was same firm that the blonde work at. Over the summer they had gotten close and had started courting as Petunia put it. Lily hadn't met him as her sister had refused to let her, but according to her mother Vernon Dursley was utterly ridiculous. He was on all accounts over wait and had a rather thin line of hair on his upper lip, Which he had called a mustache. Mr Evans would've laughed but he didn't want to seem rude and risk damaging his already fragile relationship with his eldest daughter, so he had refrained from doing so and gave the young man permission to continue to date Petunia. Mr and Mrs Evans had also agreed to allow the blonde permission to attend a weeks vacation with some of her school friends, down in the Welsh Ilse. It was safe to say everything this summer had seemed to go her way, resulting in her high right now.

Now lily's summer hadn't been a good affair , in fact it had been terrible. It started with her sister, the redhead had been pushed out all summer by Petunia Evans, she hadn't let her meet the boy whom had captured her heart. She had forbidden her attended the 18th birthday barbecue her parents were throwing for her. Though Petunia pushing her away was nothing knew, the older girl had been doing it since lily got her letter six years ago now. It was what happened with her best friend this summer that had left lily Evans stumped.

Severus Snape was a tall boy with greasy black hair and large hooked nose, people often said was snotty. That boy was lily's best friend, he was the first person whom made the red head feel normal, as opposed to the way her sister made her feel. And she was the first person to look at the young boy and not be repulsed, by his appearance. Over the years the pair had spent a lot of time together making for a  life long friendship, spending their summers under the willow tree in Which they had met. But this summer something was different, Severus Snape had been distant, the young man had been on Edge. His already short fuse and gotten shorter, yelling in the street to the muggles who let Thier eyes linger on him to long as they passed. Picking fights in public parks and youth club's he would likely loose without using his wand and exposing the wizarding world. He had even on occasion snap at lily, a girl who he loved and one day hoped would love him back. But at the rate he was pushing her away it became less likely that such a thing was going to happen. Lily Evans was extremely smart and new that something was going on, that the greasy haired boy was hiding something, something he didn't want her to know. Lily knew he wouldn't tell her and she had no hope in trying to reach the boy who trusted no but her had been keeping her at arms length.

So lily sat in the back of car twiddling her fingers, preying  that summer would come to an end instantly.

2

The Evans family car pulled up about outside kings Cross Station, in no time lily and family were walking through station Heading for platform nine and three quarters, Muggles staring as they did so. That was the Muggle way to lear longingly at thing's that seem different, or strange in anyway. And something about a young sixteen year old girl pushing a trolley filled with trunks and a black owl with flecks of white In his feathers,caused them to stare. Lily like the other witches and wizards of Hogwarts was used to it by now, it was nothing knew to her. All the whispering, the pointing of little children were expected, so it didn't faze her. Petunia Evans on the other hand hated. She hated being the girl with a odd sister whom got all the attention, she lothed the feeling of being constantly over shadowed even by strangers, most she would never likely to see again.

Five minutes later lily and her family had found the magical entrance to the train, and all four of them and ran threw wall just as instructed by lily years before. It seemed funny to the Evans family that there was a whole other world behind one little wall, a world of wonder and magic. And yet here they were standing in the thick of it, while they watched their youngest daughter suddenly feel at home and that she did.

A smile lit up the face of the red head as she stood scanning the station, watching the new first years run through too the platform for the first time on shaky leg's. One little boy coming up to her as she looked the least intimidating, his hair was short and his cheeks still held his baby fat perfectly.

"Excuse me, but where do I take my trolley" lily smiled and bent down a little to reach his eye level, she could tell he was nervous and very clearly like her. A Muggle born.

"Hello, you see that man over there take it to him and then head for the train, earlier you get on the better compartment you get." Lily said shoeing him on, the boys father following him smiling. Kindly at the redhead.

Lily turned back to her mother and father aswell as a very bored looking petunia Evans, hugging each of them as she said her goodbyes. Her sisters scowl warning lily to do no such thing with her, so the young witch gave a simple curt nod. Something that Appeared odd to others as they glanced at the interaction between sister, but the lily and petunia Evans the act was a far more normal occurrence than hugging.

"Oh baby, promise me you'll write every week" Catherine Evans spoke to her daughter, lily nodded and waved one last time before running off to find her Friends.

Marlene McKinnon was the easiest to Spot you Heard her before you saw, she was always getting in trouble in class because of it. Once it cost gryffindor twenty House, Slughorn felt terrible for taking the point's but the blonde was being extremely loud. But in her defence she was having a battle of wits with Sirius Black, it didn't end well for ethier of them. Especially when professor McGonagall found out, the pair had been given detention and they ended up hating eachother more than before.

"COME ON MUM, DAD IM GOING TO BE LATE" it was then lily saw her, blonde wild locks went barrelling towards the front of train with fifteen minutes to spare, the blonde was in such a chaotic state she completely missed the redhead standing to the side of her.

"Hey Mar we've got half and hour till the train leaves not fifteen."

"Lils that's not the__ OH MY GOD LILY " the blonde screamed throwing her arms around the Muggle girl.

"Missed you too mar, but do you mind if I breathe now, thanks" lily pushed her way out of the blondes arm's. Marlene McKinnon's mum and dad had left once they saw the two walking off completely forgetting they were still there.

"So let's go and find Dorcas and Alice, hey did you here about Alice yet" both girls keeping an eye out as they walked around the platform for the two missing from their little click.

"No, is she okay. "

"Oh she's Great, like really Great." Marlene spoke suggestively.

"What happened mar" lily stopped her in their tracks worried.

"How about we let the huffle-slut tell you__ ALICE FORTESCUE, GET OVER HERE YOU HUFFLE-SL" the brunette was barley five feet from the girls, but still Marlene McKinnon raised the volume of her voice to grab the attention of Alice Fortescue. And we'll it worked.

"Will you shut up, oh hey lily." Alice Fortescue now stood in front of her two friends, and a few seconds later the wild curly locks of Dorcas meadowes followed.

"hello Dizzy Dorcas, how did you find us" lily said earning her a shove on the side of her arm, by the Coco skinned girl.

"I heard Mar"

"Yeah I think everyone did" Alice Fortescue quipped.

"Hey I wasn't that loud" said the blonde mock affended, her Voice still slightly raised.

"Yes Mar yes you were, anyway i hear you have something to tell me Alice." Instantly Alice went red in the face, she wasn't embarrassed by what she had to tell lily Evans, it was just she wasn't used to it yet.

Taking a deep breath she spilled the beans " me and Frank are dating, he asked me over the summer, first week actually."

"Oh Alice that's great we've been rooting for you two" the redhead squealed happy for her friend.

"Did he get down on one knee," Marlene asked, all three girls looking at her like she had a third eye.

"Mar he asked her out not to marry her"

"I know that Dizzy Dorcas, but it just seems very Frank Longbottom, you know very proper." Alice rolled her eyes,

"No but he did give me flowers." The brunette swooned,

"Ugh, so lils how was your summer with the devil spawn." Dorcas meadowes had turned to conversation to the redhead, who's smile faltered.

"Petunia was well petunia she ignored my very existence," lily said.

"That's not the devil spawn I was asking about, I ment Severus Snape, you know tall with a chip pan for hair."

"I don't kn __" lily was interrupted by Alice, tapping her on the shoulder, pointing out the teen in question. "Lils, look other there"

Lily followed the gaze of her friends, green eyes Landed on the young boy with greasy hair. He walked through the platform, Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Black, Rodolphus Lestrange and Narcissa Black she was pushing her trolley. Lucius Malfoy to most was the scumm of the earth, he graduated from Hogwarts last year and just like his father had become a death eater along with Bellatrix Black. The girl with mast of curly black hair was practically psychotic, taking every chance she could to hex her cousin Sirius Black. The girls understood in a way why Lucius and Bellatrix were on the platform, the pair must of been seeing Narcissa Black off to her final year of school. But Rodolphus lestrange was a mystery, he had left Hogwarts about four years prior to Lucius and Bellatrix and yet here he stood. He had a reputation of being cruel even in school, it was wide a spread rumor that he had tortured a Hogwarts house nearly to death. Of course nobody could prove it even back then so Rodolphus lestrange for away with it. and there they all stood with lily's best friend.

"Well I guess that's where Sevs been all summer" lily said Turing away,

"So you haven't seen him all Summer," Alice placed a hand on lily's shoulder, the girl smiling at gesture.

"I saw Sev a few times but he seemed different, distant his temper was shorter than usual."

"Wow, come let's get a compartment. Maybe you guys can talk later" the black eyes Severus Snape falling on lily, he watched as she walked away. Silently vowing to reconnect with his best friend this schooling year of Hogwarts.

3

James potter and Company had just made to the platform with ten minutes to spare, as usual they planned to meet between platforms nine and ten and as usual He and Sirius were late. Remus had raised his arms in the air like a disapproving father and Peter well he was Peter, he just wanted food.

" Where in Merlin were you two?, We could've missed the train"

"Keep your knickers on Mooney, we've got ten minutes" Sirius Black spoke slinging his arm around Peter Pettigrew, while the tall boy scowled at their attitude.

"What he said mate, don't wolf out on us I was getting you a gift." James potter a bespeckled boy with black tousled hair, smirked whipping out a bar of Muggle milk chocolate.

"Thanks mate you're forgiven" Remus lupin mumbled taking the chocolate bar off his friend, peters mouth watering for a peice.

"seriously, he's forgiven, It was my Idea. I'm hurt, I'm hurt Mooney." Sirius Black spoke falling backwards, into his best friends arms. Far more dramatically then it sounds.

"Face it pads he loves me more," James push the raven haired boy up and out of arms, now walking backwards like a smart arse. Hair blowing more skew-whiff if that was even possible.

"Does not"

"Does too, he wants to steam up my specks"

"Shut it prongs he wants to kiss me and run his fingers through my hair, I mean come on I'm gorgeous." James bent over in laughter. Sirius's hair was dreadful, jet black and full of knots no matter how many times he pulled a brush through it.

"The bush you mean." James quipped.

"Remus kiss me, comon kiss me. Fine let me give you a big old smooch then " the tall boy cringed, he couldn't think of anything worse, snapping a strip of creamy chocolate off for Peter.

"No thanks, come__is that Lucius Malfoy"

Now all four boys had their eyes trained on the older boy, amused by whatever his three friends were doing. But on closer inspection Remus lupin noticed the four of young Wizards and Rodolphus lestrange were hazing a first year, before the poor tike hadn't even boreded the express. "Prongs, Padfoot are you seeing this" The two young Wizards didn't say a word in reply, instead they rushed off in the direction of Lucius Malfoy and his possy leaving Peter to trail behind.

As they got closer they saw a cute blonde girl, obviously a first year, robes barley off the floor and she still had her cart. Lucius Malfoy used his wand to riffel through the girls trunk, pulling the pages out off her new school books. James potter rolled his eyes, as they met with Severus Snape levitating the small blonde girl upside down now. The bespeckled boy taking the opportunity to startle the former student .

"Didn't know you could read Malfoy," the blonde Wizard jumping back startled by the sudden appearance of the bespeckled boy. The much older death eater rolling his eyes at Lucius Malfoy's obvious fear of the sixth year boy.

"I fail to see how that's any of you're business Potter" Malfoy spat

"Well I just made it my business, let the girl go Snivellus don't want to get bogey's on the poor thing." James potter spoke to the raven haired boy lowering the girl, once her feet reached the ground she legged it behind Remus lupin and Sirius Black. You couldn't blame the girl, the wolf boy was unnaturally tall and raven haired Wizard held a dark look in his grey orb's that would even scare her father.

"Arh yes potter I forgot you hang around blood traitors and mauled half-bloods." The boy with tawny curls retreating into his tatty clothes at the mention of his scared face, James and Sirius Black whipped out their wands in the defence of their friend.

"Watch you're mouth Malfoy." This time Sirius Black spoke up his voice venomous, the blonde ignored his second cousin and turned to the werewolf. Rodolphus lestrange deciding to leave the argument was a childish one and he definitely wasn't a child.

"Father works In the ministry's office lupin, there a bit if an enigma surrounding you." Malfoy paused for a second. "May I asked, did an unfortunate event befall you, or were always this hideous."

Though Remus didn't get to answer the question and not that he would any way, but the fist Peter Pettigrew had landed it's into the jaw of pureblood dick Lucius Malfoy. The three remaining marauders stared at their friend, Remus lupin was simply grateful that Peter chose this moment to finally snap. While James and Sirius looked on like a proud dads also laughing at the boy who had just been flattened, Malfoy though was fuming.

"My fa__" stoping when he heard James and Sirius making a bet.

" Three galleons if he says my father will hear about this" James smirked "your on pads"

"You little Rat my father will hear about this " the blonde Wizard stumbled to his feet with the help of girlfriend. Admittedly narcissa Black was far too pretty for the wizard and perhaps if she had more courage she'd of ran away from her depraved family, much like her older sister. But alas she didn't.

"Damit, here take em" james shoved the golden coins into the hands of Sirius Black, who took them gladly.

"Mark my words, dangerous times are coming boys and when they do,don't imagine you'll be Safe " the boy wizard said pushing his girlfriend away form the four boys.

" Thankyou for helping me, I'm Gabby Douglas." Came a soft voice from behind Remus lupin.

"It's not a problem munchkin, all in days work for the mighty Padfoot and friends" the first year smiled at the door sixth years stood looking down at her.

"Now run off and sit with the first year's okay." The tall boy with brown curls spoke to the girl.

The Marauders following suit made it just time, to bord the Hogwarts express. By now most of compartments upfront Were occupied and filled by loud and confused first year's, All seemingly unaware of the prejudice that would follow once they had been sorted. For some the friends they made on the train weren't likely to stick with you through the years to come, unless you where lucky like the four boys plodding along now. Sure with a few exceptions you could be friends with a Slytherin but it almost always ended in disaster, as lily Evans would find out the harsh way, just a few months into the new school year.

The boys eventually found Thier compartment near the back of the train and as luck would have it, it was the same very one that they had met in way back when in first year. They didn't know then that perhaps this would be the last time it was just the four of them, in that dinky compartment. If they had then maybe Peter Pettigrew wouldn't of buried his face in mountains if food, and somehow still have room for dinner In the Great hall later tonight. Perhaps if he knew Remus lupin wouldn't of let his heavy eyes droop shut at the impeding doom of the full moon tonight. The first day back and he was  having to spend it in pitiful sleep and in a grotty room. And perhaps James and Sirius wouldn't of spent their time plotting yet another well thought out hex on Slytherin. But things  simply were as they always had been, four best friend's who more like brother's really gearing up for another year of leaning, and shenanigans.

Word count : 3395

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed the chapter, let me know what think. What you didn't like and what you did, in the comments.

Untill next time  Hollie xx

[allsystemsarenotgo]

“The Novel”

I've been needing to talk to somebody about something. Last night, somebody I don't talk to very often anymore was willing to give up some sleep to talk to me.

I gave them the abridged version. I knew they needed sleep and didn't have time for a novel.

.

.

.

Here is "The Novel".

---

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you've never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, ... At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life.....

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

I was an opinionated ass in high school that knew better but did the things anyways because I had nothing to really lose. Except I did lose alot of pride along the way.

I didn't like many things, and I didn't understand the decisions of many people. There are days that I wish I was still friends with people that I alienated or that alienated me because I didn't believe in drinking alcohol or having kids before college, or at a young age at all.

There are alot of days that I wonder....will I have to be find a lady 8-10 years younger than myself to love me for who I am...and potentially make them have kids at a young age so I'm not the age of their peers' grandpa's when they graduate?

^ That image was me in high school.

I never dated in high school. I courted and got shot down a ...couple... times. I didn't go to parties, I wasn't a part of the cool kids' clique. I didn't really....do anything high-schooley in high school.

And it got me bullied. My eccentricities made me well known. I was generally outspoken and firm on what I believed (no sex, no alcohol, scientifically agnostic) and...it basically made me live in infamy. It got me bullied alot. I was called gay and queer alot. And it wasn't just from 1 or 2 or 5 people.

I had 3 crushes in high school. Two were a grade younger than I.

The first I asked out my Sophomore year. We talked alot, sat next to eachother, did classwork together. We were both above-average students, so the teacher us let us do what we wanted while she dealt with the rest of the class.

That was really what entered me into the downward spiral of depression. I'd never asked a girl out before, much less been shot down. It took me a long time to get over that.

The second I asked out my junior year. We didn't have any classes together, but I had worked my way into her family via a mutual friend. I felt like we knew eachother fairly well.

Getting shot down by her didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But given the nature of high school, the backlash of her friends and friends-of-friends, and probably half the school altogether...that is what hurt. It showed the true colors of many whom were already primadonna status, approaching it, or (falsely) thought they had it. She did apologize to me after a period of time, and ultimately, she probably made the better decision.

I never asked my third crush out. After being shot down twice in two years, I didn't want it to be three for three. I worked with her, and we got along awesome. Maybe not asking her was a fatal flaw in my life. I will never know. We have stayed friends over the years despite not seeing eachother until earlier this summer. I met up with her twice, and both times wrenched my emotions. I've since found out she is actually taken, which shot down my chance of ever knowing the true answer.

Then I finally went to college.

I went from a school of 450 kids in a town of 360 people to a dorm of 500+ kids in a college of 10,000+.

But I did not change with the scenery. I was still outspoken.

Neither of my roommates liked it.

Neither of my roommates liked me.

I was outspoken enough to write a persuasive essay on Abstinence for my college English class. I didn't see the problem.

Until the Prof said we had to read them aloud, after she had graded them.

Then I panicked. I crashed and I burned.

I felt so....little and insecure.

I wasn't one to force my thoughts on people. Yet, I just had.

Do you know how bad that feels inside?

Pretty damn bad.

One day, I got a message from a high school friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We started talking. In the end, she admitted she had a crush on me through high school and asked if we could give it a try. I was 1.5-2 hours away from home.

It was a hard juggle, but we made it work as best as somebody that'd never had a GF before much less a LDR could.

After a few months of LD dating and the start of my second year of college, a topic came up that would change the rest of my life mentally.

And something clicked in my head.

- What if this girl was 'the one'?

- What if something happened. Would I want to die a virgin?

- What if this doesn't work out. I'll always be the inexperienced one?

That last one hit me hard. There was no way around the fact. And for what I knew, I knew that being the lesser experienced would likely never be a good thing.

(10 years later, a friend put it perfectly....)

I convinced myself to break something that I had let run my life for the previous 10+ years.

I think it's safe to say that very few peoples' first time is "great". But it's a learning experience.

-learn-

-learn-

-learn-

Then we broke up after 9 months.

We rarely saw eachother, it couldn't be that difficult to get over right?

Wrong.

-sulk-

-lonely-

-stressed-

-imbalanced-

And...

-addicted-

I was broken. The fire inside of me had been lit, and nothing was putting it out.

I had a raging wildfire spreading within me within a few short weeks, and no way to control it.

I had just started a job at the school newspaper, running the website. I shared an office with the two graphic design artists. We were getting along pretty well and it was fairly evident that both of them were really relaxed and loose about what they wanted to talk about. I was the reserved one, sitting at my desk, listening with minimal contribution.

Until one day, I finally had the courage to chime in to their conversations. It didn't take much longer before I was in my second relationship.

I learned alot of new and different things during that 2.5 year relationship.

Example: telling her father about my shellfish allergy. It was good because he cooked alot of it. It was because he knew my weakness and made no secret that some things would easily justify using it against me.

I learned to get over my fear of public image. I was dating a woman almost twice my weight. When we first started...dating...I was petrified to be seen with/around her much less hold her hand. Over time that phobia subsided.

I learned that addiction comes in many forms. I spent many nights at her apartment, sometimes I went home and sometimes I didn't. Spending 4 hours a day with her at work and another 4-12 hours with her at her apartment...it got to the point that I missed her when I was away from her. I missed having her company, and I missed cuddling.

I learned that I'm very much a physical contact person. After all those years of being an only, lonely child...I wanted to give and receive physical touch.

She would print off a piece of artwork, I would lay on my stomach on her bed, and she would trace the outline onto my back, then start filling it in. That's usually when I would fall asleep. She would keep drawing as I slept, and eventually I would wake up.

As long as we were touching, I was happy. Sometimes I would lay on her, sometimes she would lay on me, sometimes we'd be side by side with a leg on the other.

I learned that calculated risks are worth calculating to the limit. And that mis-calculating is not fun.

I learned that parents are smart and figure out almost everything.

There was only one real issue and one hybrid issue with the relationship.

Both of us were mentally strained. I could not speak my emotions or feelings. I couldn't handle the 'adulting' conversations regarding the future. I couldn't explain when I was sad, mad, upset, or anxious in voice, only text. I couldn't "use my words". When scolded, I just wanted to ball up in a corner and cry. At the same time, both of our academics were on a downward spiral of death. She ended up dropping out completely and going back to junior college, I ended up changing majors twice and barely escaping with any pride left at all and a very expensive piece of paper that said "Bachelor of Science in Miscellaneous Bullshit". Okay, University Studies...but same thing.

The relationship had evolved far beyond what it had originally been intended to be.

It was supposed to be more of a cover-up for a FWB situation than an actual relationship. But we caught some sort of feelings, and....

.

.

I've been single since then.

It took a few years, but we still talk to eachother and are still friends.

But I miss the cuddles.

I miss the touching.

I miss being relaxed and falling asleep while being drawn on.

I miss...alot of things.

I had a few more crushes develop during college. Some I let go, some I got turned down on. At least none of them laughed at me. 

One of the ones that I let go...I reconnected with a couple months ago. I was going to ask her out...and I kinda did...only to find out that she was secretly in a relationship that hadn’t gone public yet. That was a pretty good kick to the twig and berries, knowing that I was just too late to the party. 

Once I learned about High Functioning Autism, alot of things made sense. I slowly learned better coping mechanisms. I learned to do more "normal" things like making eye contact.

My senior year of college, I met an awesome lady in my coding class. We got along great. She helped crack my shell. We went on walks, we played basketball, we played on pool tables, we played soccer. We sat on balconies and talked. We kind of...had a thing going. She was my only friend to attend my college graduation. We even took a picture together in my cap and gown (which I have tried many times to find. I'm guessing it was deleted....see below).

But we didn't. I wasn't allowed to hug her much less kiss her, even on the forehead (I wanted to...many times). I was barely allowed to hold her hand.

I got shot down. I felt like I was in a plane that was missing a wing and didn't have an ejection seat.

I plummeted into the ground and crashed and burned.

We stopped talking after that.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I could say that about many friends that I have lost over the years.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

That was 5 or 6 years ago. I honestly don't remember anymore.

That's how long I have been lonely.

That's how long it has been since I went on a date.

That's how long I have not been able to have an unweighted conversation.

Sure, I have seen my second ex a time or three. But it's not the same. That's not a date. That's not something to lead to the future.

I have a two best friends that I can talk about almost anything with. But I never see them. One lives two states away, the other lives several hours away (any other state besides Texas, and they'd be in another state).

They help. They give me a method to vent. But I am afraid of losing them.

I have lost 3 best friends in my life already.

One cut me out of their life as a birthday present to me after 4 or 5 years, my freshman year in the dorm.

One cut me out of their life after many conflicts over 7 years. We never met in person.

One cut me out of their life after I became a burden to them. We saw eachother on a regular basis, I even stayed at their house once after they tried to break my shell and I (mentally) collapsed into a puddle of goo. They also hurt me once by calling the police for a welfare check, and my parents got involved.

Of the two best friends I have managed to keep, the closer of the two has issues in their own life going on right now. I feel guilty and sad for even talking to them...they have asked that I limit interaction while they try to straighten out their own world. They have also called the police on my for a welfare check, and got my co-workers involved.

I already had a hard time making friends before. Anymore, it's hard for me to trust anyone at all.

I don't have any friends to go places with.

I'm always working my ass off (working 7 days a week these days, haven't had a real day of rest in months).

Social Anxiety says that I can't go anywhere alone. Plus I don't really trust myself alone, much less in a foreign Environment.

How am I supposed to meet a friend, when I work my ass off 7 days a week? When I don't know what resting is?

How do I elevate a non-existent friend to "More than a friend" status?

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you’ve never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, … At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life…..

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

Sometimes I wish I was Ace.

Sometimes I wish I knew what I am.

Historically, I can be described as a smart, odd, minimally sarcastic ignoramus. But that is only my personality.

Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bi? Or am I just hopeless?

Will I ever find love? Will I ever have kids?

Is there something wrong with me that revolts women away?

Will I have to find a woman 8-10 years younger than myself and cause her to have children at a young age to avoid being the age of their peers' grandparents at graduation? If I find a woman now, we date for 3 years, engaged for 1, married for 3, then have a kid...I'll be 37 when they are born and 55 when they graduate high school.

We're the bullies in high school right all this time? I don't want them to be. But what if they are? Or am I just that broken inside?

The things that I like/enjoy...they scare me a little. And that's coming from me. For years I have said I was a sapiosexual (turned on by intelligence rather than personality or looks)...but it never occurred to me, what if the gender lines do not in-fact exist? What if....

These are the questions that keep me awake at night.

These are the questions that feed my depression.

These are the scenarios that feed my anxiety, my trust issues, my loneliness.

These are the reasons that, more than anything....I will never turn down a hug.

Because a hug means you love and care about me.

And I need that reassurance.

But it feels good on the inside, too.