#anyway i think getting a shark tattoo would be so fucking cool and awesome

[aropride]

i've been getting really into wanting tattoos recently like so bad . i already know i want a sun on one of my shoulders But now i also want a shark tattoo . because i think it would be really fucking funny (due to the circumstances*) . and i want a space related tattoo ... i have some (mediocre .) stick and pokes of a moon and planet but theyre not on a visible spot and id want something like . more professionally done .

[ronoken]

Moon Warriors- A Terrible YA Story Starter

So, I have a terrible hobby. I like to see how awful I can make a story. For example, I was trying to avoid doing work and thought, “What’s the worst possible thing I could write that could be classified as a YA story?” And then I cranked this out in 30 minutes. Enjoy. Or don’t.

Like, it’s bad.

***

Once upon a time, in a land that is totally like our own, but more dystopian, because you can always add a smidge more dystopia (seriously, it’s the “hold my beer” of writing styles), lived a princess warrior. She had been taken from the royal palace, which was totally opulent and beautiful and loaded with people wearing wigs and makeup and lots of fancy clothing. It had been the night of the Spit On The Poor ball, where factory workers were sewn into the ballroom floor for the bourgeois to dance the night away on. After the dancing and the feast, which consisted of at least three hobos, the guests would wander to the gladiator pits where children would be chained to one another and were told to fight to the death, with life-saving medications being offered as the prize to the victors.

Anyway, the princess, who was a baby, was spirited out of the castle just as the cable news feeds to the kingdom were cut and the poor were suddenly deprived of their conservative news feed. Like the great white shark in Jaws 3 that had been trapped in a container after the pumps had been shut off, the people thrashed and growled, and demanded their precious feed of systemic bigotry resume to tell them how their situation was normal. Without this reassurance, they turned their frothing hatred towards the castle, and stormed it in a mad desire for flesh and live panel breakdowns of how other-colored people were responsible for unemployment.

And so, the princess lived. She was raised by her kindly nursemaid in a small village, called Poor People District-19. She grew up smart, and plucky, and fast. She was a cunning as she was beautiful, and she was totally hot, so that worked in her favor. Her hair was always hanging down and kinda dirty, but not so dirty that you’d go “eww!” More like she was one shower and a nice change of clothes away from being Princess McHotCharacter. Her clothes were rags, but nice, color-coordinated rags, and she was totally good with handheld weapons, like knives, arrows, and spears. She survived by hunting and doing underground video blogs about the tyrant king who had survived the uprising of 17 years ago who was also her dad BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW THAT.

The princess didn’t know she was a princess. Instead, she was simply Jessica. Jessica Steel-Tiger; a rough and tumble gal who was too focused on freedom and her people to think about love.

At least that was the case up until the robot prince visited her land to see what poor people were. He was from the moon and lived there in harmony with the other robot people. He however had a sinister secret; he was born human. He had a whole bunch of cybernetic implants and stuff, so he was a kick-ass cyborg, but he still looked hot, so we’re good. He had some cool circuit-looking tattoos that were actually circuits (because TECHNOLOGY) along the side of his face, and his eyes would glow light blue due to robot-related things. His face was symmetrical, his hair was blond and kinda pointy, and he had abs. Hot, semi-robotic abs. His semi-see-through chainmail shirt would show them off as he travelled in his bubble-topped robot motorcade. He also had an axe or something. I dunno, it was cool.

Jessica was poised to take out the motorcade all Ewok-style, which was a thing in poor people lands. She had rigged up some boulders to roll off the tops of buildings (all poor-looking buildings, with no glass and soot stains on the sides) and some logs to roll across their path to slow them down (poor-looking logs, what with their lack of park and ramen cups squished into their branches). Then, she would leap atop the car, fight the robot prince to the death, chop off his head, and put it on a rusty girder pike in the town square. Actually, it was more of a town triangle- they couldn’t afford squares.

The rocks fell and took out the police hover cars just like she planned. She also had some nets for the walking soldiers, because nets.

Nets!

 Anyway, everyone was taken out except for the robot prince, who opened the bubble top of his car, picked up his wicked-looking axe thing, and scanned the rooftops for the person responsible. He was soon rewarded with the site of Jessica doing a ton of somersaults through the air and landing perfectly on the hood of his lime green prince transport, as lime green is the color of lunar royalty. She twirled her staff and looked him in his handsome, robot eyes.

“I’m here to kill you,” she hissed.

The prince froze, mesmerized. “Wow. I have no idea who you are, but I am attracted to you.”

Jessica blushed and sputtered. “But, but you’re my enemy! You can’t be attracted to me. NOW WE FIGHT TO THE DEATH!”

She swung her staff, and he countered with his axe, and they dance/fought to a cool techno beat all around the street. He would be all, “I’m gonna hit you with this!” and swing his axe, and it would slo-mo miss her as she did a cool dodge backwards. She would do a twirly spin hit against him that would be countered by the handle of his axe, and then they would push against each other and get real close, each locking eyes with the other.

“I find you menacing and attractive,” the prince said.

“Your ability to defend yourself and your awesome eyes have aroused me, but that doesn’t excuse my rage towards you!” Jessica countered.

“Why do you hate me?” The robot prince asked, confused. “It is because I’m different? Robot different?”

“No! Because you’re evil!” Jessica countered.

The robot prince stared into Jessica’s eyes. “But… What if I could change?”

Jessica grabbed him and kissed him right there in the middle of the street. The kiss was electric and sparky, because he was half-robot, but his mouth was all hotness. It made her all angry and flustered again, but in the hot way that can be taken care of in about five minutes if necessary.

“Come with me,” Jessica said. “Join my rebellion and help me fight the evil king.”

“The king is totally evil,” the robot prince said. “He murdered my father. I am here to secretly get near to him and then kill him with my robot parts.”

“Then you’ll join my rebellion?” Jessica asked?

“Yes,” the robot prince, who was probably named something kinda dumb like Thunderrose Abberstone or something, said. “Can you teach me to be as awesome as you?”

Jessica shook her head. “No, but I’ll teach you to be as awesome as you,” she said.

Blushing, the robot prince nodded in agreement and followed her into the city to plot their rebellion.

And then they fucked.

[antecedentlypod]

EPISODE 3 TRANSCRIPT

-opening music-

LORRIE

Alright- [soft movement sounds] recording time. Reeecording time. One, two, three. [flip through the book, door opens]

Ah- fuck-

FISH

Oh! Shit- sorry- were you in the middle of something? Uh...sorry. I made lunch. Bahn mi! Y’know, the one I begged my brother for the recipe of? Uh- do you want some? I mean, I can’t guarantee it’s gonna be great ‘cause...it’s me...but it is getting cold! So...

LORRIE

I was just about to start recording, but lunch sounds...awesome, actually! But before we go, do you want to introduce yourself to the mic? I decided I wanted to keep the extra recordings and stuff, just for… me, I guess? Like- kinda like a journal. [brief pause]

My therapist did recommend I start journaling, but writing out my thoughts is hard as fuck. Talking into a microphone is much easier.

FISH

Oh. Okay, so just like...lamer scrapbooking- Yeah! Yeah, I guess. [taps the mic] uh. Check check? ...Right, okay. So, my name is Fish. Just- just Fish. I picked it out myself, actually, ‘cus i really like fish? Y’know? Uh, stonefish specifically but...I think sharks are really cool- are sharks fish? Anyway! [drifting off] I like she/her or they/them pronouns...um...that’s about it. Anyway, I’m here to make sure that Mr. Skeptic over here isn’t going haywire, given all the bullshit I’ve been hearing recently.

LORRIE

[soft laugh] That’s...enough, that’s good. Maybe I should do one of those myself. [pause, deep breath] Okay, uh. Hi, I’m Lorrie. I also picked that name out, sounds like a bird name. There is a bird named Lorrie, but it’s spelled differently. And it’s really colorful, which is the opposite of me! Um, I mainly use he/him or it/its pronouns, they/them is okay sometimes, but it’s best to stay away from it? And I’m not going haywire! Things are just… a little bit weird. It’s probably just hallucinations, it’s nothing.

FISH

A little bit? With all- [sigh, in a sarcastic tone] Okay, fine. Reaaaal convincing. Yeah! Believe that, 100%. ‘Kay, anyway... [laughter]

LORRIE

[sigh] Listen- just. Just shut the fuck up. [more laughter] I’m excited for lunch, though, I don’t remember the last time I ate, actually-

FISH

That’s...not ideal, but kind of the point. So...oh! Well, hopefully you ate before getting that tattoo, did uh- it looks...new. When did you…? [sigh] Okay. What’s with the eyes?

LORRIE

I think they’re cool. I got the tattoo a couple days ago, I’m pretty sure I got something to eat before it? Not a big deal.

FISH

[pause, dumbfounded and concerned] A couple days? Okay, holy shit, Lor. Let’s go get something to eat, okay? Lunch is getting cold, so.

LORRIE

Y-Yeah, that sounds good. Let me ju-just- [muffled movement, recording stops]

LORRIE

Aaaand we’re back. Lunch has been eaten, I feel- a lot better, honestly, and I think it’s a good time to record? [papers rustling] Um...where…? [collects himself] Uh, Fish left for work a little bit ago, which means the only idiot in the house with me is my dog! I’ll be able to work now, I think. Even if reading it makes me feel all- fuckin’ weird. It’s not a- not a great feeling. Not a great feeling at all. Fuck. Okay. Um. Take one of Rumpels-

[cut]

[weary] Take...five? I think? Of Rumpelstiltskin.

[cut]

Take nine of Rumplestiltskin. Read by Lorrie Adams.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN

Once upon a time, there was a miller who was poor, but he had a beautiful daughter. Now it happened that he was talking with the king one time, and to make himself seem important he said to the king: "I have a daughter who can spin straw into gold."

"That's an art that pleases me;” the king replied, “if your daughter is as talented as you say, bring her to my castle tomorrow and I will put her to the test." 

When the maiden was brought to him he led her into a room that was filled with straw. There he gave her a spinning-wheel and a spindle and said: "Now get to work, if you don’t spin straw into gold by morning, then you must die." Then he locked the room himself, and she remained inside all alone.

 The miller's poor daughter sat there feeling close to her wit’s end, for she knew nothing of spinning straw into gold, and her fear grew greater and greater. When she began to weep, the door suddenly opened and a little man entered, saying: "Good evening, Mistress Miller, why are you weeping so?" 

“Oh,” answered the maiden, "I'm supposed to spin straw into gold, and I don't know how." 

The little man then said: "What will you give me if I spin it for you?" 

"My necklace," the maiden said. The little man took the necklace and sat down at the wheel, and whizz, whizz, whizz, three times round the spool was full. Then he put on another one, and whizz, whizz, whizz, the second one was full; and so it went on until morning, until all the straw was spun and all the spools were filled with gold. The king appeared right at the sunrise and when he saw the gold he was surprised and pleased, but his heart grew even greedier. He locked the miller’s daughter in another room, one that was even larger than the first, and he ordered her to spin all the straw into gold if she valued her life.

The maiden did not know what to do and began to weep; then once again the door opened and the little man appeared and said: "What will you give me if I spin the straw into gold for you?" 

"The ring from my finger," answered the maiden. The little man took the ring, began to work away at the wheel again, and by morning he had spun all the straw into shining gold. The king was extremely pleased by the sight; but his lust for gold was still not satisfied. So he had the miller's daughter brought into an even larger room, and said to her: "You must have all this spun to gold tonight, but if you succeed, you shall become my wife." To himself he thought: Even though she’s just a miller's daughter, I’ll never find a richer woman anywhere in the world. 

When the maiden was alone the little man came again for the third time and asked: "What will you give me if I spin the straw for you once more?" 

"I have nothing left to give," answered the maiden. 

"Then promise me your first child when you become queen." 

"Who knows whether it will ever come to that?" thought the miller's daughter, and since she knew no other way out of her predicament, she promised the little man what he had demanded, and in return the little man spun the straw into gold once again. When the king came in the morning and found everything he had wished, he married her, and the miller's daughter became a queen.

After a year she gave birth to a beautiful child, and the little man had disappeared from her mind. But now he suddenly appeared in her room and said: "Now give me what you promised." The queen was horrified, and offered the little man all the treasures of the kingdom if he would let her keep her child. But the little man replied: "No, something living is more important to me than all the treasures in the world." Then the queen began to grieve and weep so much that the little man felt sorry for her. "I'll give you three days time," he said, "if you guess my name by the third day, you shall keep your child."

The queen spent the entire night trying to recall all the names she had ever heard. She also sent a messenger out into the country to inquire high and low names there were. On the following day when the little man appeared, she began with Kaspar, Melchior, Balzar, and listed all the names she knew, one after the other, but to all of them the little man said: "That's not my name." The second day she had her servants ask around in the neighboring area which names people used, and she came up with the most unusual and strangest names when the little man appeared. "Is your name Ribs of Beef? Or Muttonchops? Or Laced Leg?" But he always replied: “That’s not my name.” On the third day the messenger returned and reported, "I couldn't find a single new name, but as I was climbing a high mountain at the edge of the forest, where the fox and the hare say goodnight to each other, I saw a small cottage, and in front of the cottage was a fire, and around the fire danced a ridiculous little man who was hopping on one leg and screeching:

“Today I'll brew, tomorrow I'll bake,

Soon I'll have the queen's namesake;

Oh, how hard it is to play my game,

For Rumpelstiltskin is my name."

And you can imagine how happy the queen was when she heard the name. As soon as the little man entered and asked: “What’s my name, your highness?” 

She responded first by guessing: "Is your name Cunce?" "No." "Is your name Heinz?" "No." "Can your name be...Rumpelstiltskin?"

"The devil told you! the devil told you!" the little man screamed, and he stamped so ferociously with his right foot that his leg went deep into the ground up to his waist. Then he grabbed the other foot angrily with both hands and ripped himself in two.

LORRIE

[yawn] There’s another number for me to read. [stuttering] Another story. I didn’t- say this in my personal introduction, but I’m [trying to snap himself out of it. literally] working for like, something akin to an audiobook company? These are my- story recordings. Not perfect, by any means, but they’re alright enough, and not really ever my final takes. Um. I like this job. Fully remote, surprisingly good pay for it being paid by commission mostly- I don’t know...why people would want these stories read out, but that’s beside the point. I make enough to get a pretty nice apartment, for me and Fish. They sent me this collection of stories to read from, it’s in this [stuttering and snapping again] big book- this big paperback book, um, and they...they- I get emails with the story numbers that they want me to read? Because they’re all numbered in this book. And the stories are never more than a couple pages at a time, which...is kinda weird because the recordings end up being pretty short that way? I don’t know if they want...more from me for it, but that’s also beside the point.

Anyways. Take 1 of Briar Rose, read by Lorrie Ada-

[very tired] Take 3 of Briar Ro-

Ppppbbbt. [hyping himself up] Okay. Okay, you can do this, Lorrie. It’s not that hard, you’re just talking into a fucking microphone. Okay. Okay. Hm. [drinks something. water..?] Take 13 of Briar Rose, read by Lorrie Adams. 

BRIAR ROSE

In times of old there lived a king and queen, and every day they said, "Oh, if only we had a child!" yet they never had one.

Then one day, as the queen went out bathing, a frog happened to crawl ashore and say to her: “Your wish shall be fulfilled. Before the year is out, you shall give birth to a daughter.”

The frog’s prediction came true, and the queen gave birth to a girl who was so beautiful that the king was overjoyed and decided to hold a great feast. Not only did he invite his relatives, friends, and acquaintances, but also the wise women in the hope that they would be generous and kind to his daughter. There were thirteen wise women in his kingdom, but he only had twelve golden plates from which they could eat. Therefore, one of them had to remain home. The feast was celebrated with tremendous splendor, and when it drew to a close, the wise women bestowed their miraculous gifts upon the child. One gave her virtue, another beauty, the third wealth, and so on until they had given her nearly everything one could possibly wish for in the world. When eleven of them had offered their gifts, the thirteenth suddenly entered the hall. She wanted to get revenge for not having been invited, and without greeting anyone or looking around, she cried out with a loud voice: “In her fifteenth year, the princess shall prick herself with a spindle and fall down dead.” That was all she said. Then she turned around and left the hall.

Everyone was horrified, but the twelfth wise woman stepped forward. She still had her wish to make, and although she could not undo the evil spell, she could nevertheless soften it. “The princess shall not die,” she said, “instead she shall fall into a deep sleep for one hundred years.”

Since the king wanted to guard his dear child against such a catastrophe, he issued an order that all the spindles in his kingdom were to be burned. Meanwhile, the gifts of the wise women fulfilled themselves in every way. The girl was so beautiful, polite, kind, and sensible, that whoever encountered her could not help but adore her. Now, on the day she turned fifteen it happened that the king and queen were not in the palace, so she wandered all over the place and explored as many rooms and chambers as she pleased. She eventually came to an old tower, climbed it’s narrow, winding staircase, and came to a small door. A rusty key was stuck in the lock, and when she turned it, the door sprang open and she saw an old woman in a little room sitting with a spindle and busily spinning flax.

“Good day, old granny!” said the princess, “What are you doing there?”

“I’m spinning,” said the old woman, and she nodded her head.

“What’s the thing that’s bobbing around in such a funny way?” Asked the maiden, and she took the spindle and wanted to spin too. But just as she touched the spindle, the magic spell began working and she pricked her finger with it. The very moment she felt the prick, she fell down on the bed that was standing there and was overcome by a deep sleep. This sleep soon spread throughout the entire palace. The king and queen had just returned home, and when they entered the hall they fell asleep, as did all the people in their court. They were followed by the horses in the stables, the dogs in the courtyard, the pigeons on the roof, and the flies on the wall. Even the fire flickering in the hearth became tired and fell asleep. The roast stopped sizzling, and the cook, who was just about to pull the kitchen boy’s hair because he had done something wrong, let him go and fell asleep. Finally, the wind died down so that not a single leaf stirred on the trees outside the castle. Soon, a briar hedge began to grow all around the castle, and it grew higher each year. Eventually, it surrounded and covered the entire castle, so that it was no longer visible. Not even the flag on the roof could be seen. Eventually the princess became known as “beautiful, sleeping Briar Rose,” and a tale about her began circulating throughout the country. From time to time, princes tried to break through and get to the castle. However, this was impossible, because the thorns clung together tightly as though they had hands, and the young men got stuck there. Indeed, they could not pry themselves loose and died miserable deaths. 

After many, many years had gone by, a prince came to this country and heard an old man talking about a briar hedge. Supposedly, there was a castle standing behind the hedge and in the castle there was a remarkably beautiful princess named Briar Rose, who had been sleeping for a hundred years along with the king and queen and their entire court. The old man also knew from his grandfather that many princes had come and had tried to break through the briar hedge, but they had got stuck and died wretched deaths. “I am not afraid!” said the prince, “I intend to see the beautiful Briar Rose!”

The good old man tried his best to dissuade him, but the prince would not heed his word. Now the hundred years had just ended, and the day of which Briar Rose was to wake up again had arrived. When the prince approached the briar hedge he found nothing but little flowers that opened of their own accord and let him through, like a hedge. In the courtyard, he saw the horses and the spotted hunting dogs lying asleep. The pigeons were perched on the roof and had tucked their heads beneath their wings. When he entered the palace, the flies were asleep on the wall, the cook was still holding his hand as if he wanted to grab the kitchen boy, and the maid was sitting in front of the black chicken that she was about to pluck. As the prince continued walking, he saw the entire court lying asleep in the hall, with the king and queen beside the throne. Then he moved on, and everything was so quiet he could hear himself breathe. 

Finally, he came to the tower and opened the door to the small room where Briar Rose slept. There she lay in her beauty, so marvelous that he could not take his eyes off of her. And then, he leaned over and gave her a kiss, and when his lips touched hers Briar Rose opened her eyes, woke up, and looked at him fondly. After that, they went downstairs together and the king and queen woke up along with the entire court and they all looked at each other in amazement. Soon, the horses in the courtyard stood up and shook themselves. The hunting dogs jumped around and wagged their tails, the pigeons on the roof lifted their heads from beneath their wings, looked up and flew off into the fields. The flies on the wall continued crawling, the fire in the kitchen flared up, flickered, and cooked the meat, the roast began to sizzle again, and the cook gave the kitchen boy such a box on the ear that he let out a cry while the maid finished plucking the chicken.

The wedding of the prince with Briar Rose was celebrated with great splendor, and lived happily to the end of their day. 

LORRIE

[with a bad taste in his mouth] Reaaaally can’t say I’m a big fan of the whole, like...lack of consent thing? Like, who just kisses some sleeping 115 year old? Like jesus fuck, get some manners! Like, why didn’t the prince just...try shaking her? Why did he just immediately kiss her- what the FUCK- 

Anyways, I couldn’t stop yawning during that recording, if that says anything about my thoughts on it. I hope I didn’t put you to sleep, at least. Whoever ends up listening to this. I think I need to go to bed. Goodnight, end recording.

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

Fantastic Beasts: CoG Thoughts and Observations

*SPOILERS* Press ‘J’ if you want to skip to the next post.

Grindelwald is a badass. I don’t even like him and yet he’s a fucking badass. He was in fucking prison for 6 months and they had to change his guards multiple times because he’s so damn charismatic that he kept luring the Aurors to his side!

He then got out long before he was supposed to be transported and literally took out everyone on the transport team. And he drove the damn carriage and without even looking behind him, directed bolts of lightning to take out some of the Aurors on their brooms.

He did not come to play.

Newt is still my adorable child. He’s so awkward and still feels like he did in the first film which is great. A lot of people whined about how he wasn’t ‘manly enough’. Because Newt shows compassion on the regular and is more soft-spoken and not interested in ‘manly professions’ or some shit, so he doesn’t fit the ridiculous type of masculinity Hollywood shoves down our throats and dudebros can’t relate to him.

“There are no strange creatures, only wicked people,” is a great line and should be used in reference to animals as well since some people still walk around acting like sharks and pitbulls are evil incarnate. I really love Newt.

Leta knows him well enough to know what he’d say in response to her comment. They have an awkward air of camaraderie about them.

Newt stood up to a teacher with that line of his and got a month’s worth of detention. Leta left a dungbomb in his office to get back at him so she could join Newt. Good friends fight the intolerant assholes in charge of your education together.

Theseus gives off this smarmy vibe. I seen people praise him as a good brother but at present just the way he stands annoys me. And it makes me sad that Newt feels like he can’t be himself in order to be rightfully treated like a human being should be treated.

The dude playing Theseus really does resemble Eddie though, so props for getting that right at least. I can believe they’re siblings.

As usual the Ministry is useless. Grindels is literally the reason NYC got fucked up. Him and his messing with Credence. Newt made some mistakes but actually worked to fix them and then saved all their asses in the process. Why is he getting blamed with misinformation? Even in the 20s Magical Britain’s Ministry is full of morons.

There’s a black dude in a high Ministry position. I think there are more POC in this film than all the HP films combined, jfc. ‘bout time!

Also, they never told Newt that Credence is alive and are now using that fact as a way to try and guilt-trip him into joining the Ministry. Cleverish I suppose, but I still don’t like them.

Some dude just referred to Credence as an IT. wtf? Credence is a wizard who, because magical people suck at getting abused children the help they need, ended up a massive mess. He’s not some thing to be treated like shit!

The brothers are arguing and Newt starts spouting off things he’s mostly likely heard from Theseus and his parents. I will admit Theseus seems less annoying now that he’s spoken a bit, but the fact that Newt starts saying, “Okay, right, here we go, selfish, irresponsible-” speaks of somebody who is used to being compared to another and having what others consider to be ‘faults’ shoved in his face and complained about. That sucks a lot.

Okay, Theseus isn’t as annoying as I expected him to be. He does seem to care for Newt and understand how his mind works to an extent. He isn’t offended that Newt doesn’t go to hug him back. Newt is just awkward with physical contact from humans. He’s always seemed to be on the spectrum for me and I’ve only recently found out that others feel the same, which makes his character more interesting imo.

Grindels is in lift shoes! Needs that extra height that badly? 5′10 isn’t short or anything but he really needed that lift to 6′0″? XD

At least Grindels and the Gang are only using AKs(silently btw). I don’t get why everyone always acts like AK is the absolute worst spell in HP when literally it’s just a quick and painless death. There are a bajillion others spells that are actually terrifying.

Newt easily noticing that he’s being followed and fucking with his stalker is the best. People who say Newt is weak are effin stupid.

I would not take the hand of some random glove hovering in my face. Now way, no how. idc who it might belong to, that’s some shady shit. I don’t trust people.

Though we have to admit that the glove forcibly Apparating him, even if it’s a small distance is pretty cool. Dumbles annoys me but as Phineas Nigellus will say in the future, “He’s got style.”

The fact that Newt knew it was Dumbles makes me wonder if Dumbles has done this before.

Dumbles literally just summoned a big ass fog to cover the city! I don’t like him but he keeps impressing me! It’s annoying! Stop it!

“A Phoenix will come to any Dumbledore in desperate need.” Interesting.

A wizard doing sleight of hand. Oi vey. Dumbles is a drama queen to the umpteenth degree.

God he was a cryptic asshat even back then. It’s very easy to believe this dude becomes the Dumbledore we all know. I think people are just bitching because they refuse to see Dumbledore for who he is. Lots of people whining about ‘how manipulative Jude’s Dumbledore is’ not realizing that HP-Dumbles is literally a Master Manipulator.

Baby Nifflers are effin adorable and I love how well Newt knows them!

Newt literally has someone working for him. And he’s been nothing but reassuring in his own way. He especially tells her to avoid the Kelpie because he doesn’t want her to get hurt. I have seen several people whining about him ‘being mean’ to her and I just have to ask, are y’all fucking stupid? He knows his creatures and when he tells her to not go near one alone because of how dangerous it is and she might lose a finger, he’s not being mean. He’s being a responsible employer. I know some of your bosses don’t give a shit about your well being, but Newt is actually a decent bloke. Chill the fuck out.

She’s flirting with him and is really bad at it. But it’s kinda funny at the same time.

Also can we just stop and talk about how talented Newt is that he can create such realistic habitats in such seemingly small and cramped places? He’s really good at magic.

Queenie and Jacob are cute. And to all the people whining about how ‘unnecessary’ he is to the plot, can y’all chill? He is there for a reason. To show how fucked up MACUSA is when it comes to dealing with Muggles. Queenie will literally be imprisoned if they find out she’s with a Muggle. It’s ridiculous and his character is supposed to show how even the American wizards are messed up.

Queenie calling Newt, ‘honey’ is sweet. I swear she’s the Molly of this new group of friends. Seems like she wants to take care of people and just adopts everyone who comes along.

God, even the magical gossip rags are shit even back then. They deliberately made it so it looked as if Newt and Leta were a thing. Though tbh nothing really happened between Newt and Tina in the first film so her being all offended over him possibly marrying another woman is ridiculous.

These weird shots that are supposed to be directly from someone’s point of view are a bit annoying, I must admit. It’s kind of like watching through a somewhat less annoying fish-eye lens, but still annoying anyway.

Newt is very smart. He notices very quickly that Jacob is out of sorts and that he hasn’t been acting normally. He deduces very quickly that something is up and then stops it.

I really like how level-headed Jacob is about everything considering all the crap he’s just thrown into. He cares enough about Queenie to not want her to be imprisoned/possibly killed for breaking a stupid law. I got really emotional at that part because MACUSA is full of idiots.

Jacob is right though, she’s not being sensible. There’s a lot at stake and it isn’t smart for them to marry yet no matter how much they want to. 

Jacob looks at the bird thing and then’s just like, “I got my own problems.” He’s been through enough shit to just not care atm.

And now everyone’s basically going to Paris anyway.

Walking through weird barriers into new places should no longer impress me but it still does!

The magical circus looks kind of awesome but the I’m also not a fan of how circuses are handled. So it’s this cross between amazement and annoyance at the inhumane way animals(in this case creatures) are being handled.

Literally, they are kept locked up in filthy places, I am unhappy! Also Claudia Kim, who portrays Nagini, is so very beautiful and I am so very gay.

Nagini’s hair has that little serpent-like curl at the end as it rests against her neck. It’s such an awesome little detail to throw in there.

Her transformation is really cool btw.

Wow! You treat the creatures like shit and mock them, and get all confused when they attack you? I hope pain was dealt.

What is it with all the bad guys in everything having to incorporate skulls into their dirty business? Is this supposed to be a play on the whole skulls and crossbones thing meaning death?

Though Grindels does make it more interesting than some wiggly tattoo at least.

Dumbles is considered the greatest threat to his cause when he’s practically been doing nothing but playing teacher. That’s some high praise I suppose.

He’s already known as ‘The Great Albus Dumbledore’! What did he do to gain such belief in his prowess? He’s like 46!

Newt’s asking Jacob for advice on what to say when he sees Tina again, and Jacob gives him great advise. “Best not to plan these things.” It’s good. And then Newt’s like, “She has eyes just like a salamander,” and Jacob’s tune changes immediately! XD “Don’t say that!”

Jacob is a good friend. I really like him!

Jacob’s reactions are the greatest because he’s literally like an in-universe representation of the fandom when we saw magic in the movies for the first time!

Do people know that Eddie Redmayne actually licked the ground?

Newt talking about how narrow Tina’s feet are and Jacob just being like, ‘okaaaaaaay’ is the best!

Queenie must be so lost. Hearing all these thoughts and not knowing the language they’re in. And it must be stressful to not only be in an unfamiliar place but also be completely unprepared for everything going on.

That is the perfect moment to trick her. Literally, I don’t get how people can’t see that she’s emotionally vulnerable and a prime target for manipulation right now.

Credence is just a mess. He needs friends. Glad Nagini seems to be filling in that role but honestly he needs a few more. Those who are ‘cursed’ in essence, like he is. So they’ll understand him.

I really love Jacob’s character. He’s just so amazed by magic and all the things it can do. ^-^

Newt! Knows how to tame and capture creatures he’s never even met before! Zuowus are cute imo.

Hedwig’s Theme, I am crying!

Also, Hogwarts brings back my feels.

Very confused about the McGonagall thing unless this involves time-travel which idk how advanced that was at the time.

The fucking Aurors just break into the class and Head dude’s like, “I can go wherever I please. OUT!” And all the kids just standing there and look to Dumbledore for direction. It’s fucking hilarious that they won’t even listen to the dude who could imprison them with whatever excuse he can make up. 

Now, there seems to be students of all ages in this classroom, which makes me wonder if it’s actually a class or Dumbledore has a Dueling Club set up, because he’s literally teaching a Gryffindor how to not make the same mistakes in a duel, right before owning his ass. idc what anyone says, no class of 17/11 year olds will have multiples students the size of first/seventh years in it. People are either really really tall or really really short. So I vote for a Dueling Club happening.

The Gryffindor who just lost the duel gets up in the dude’s face and is like, ‘he’s the best teacher we’ve got’. Props.

Dumbledore is way better than this Travis dude. And I mean by power and presence. I don’t like him any more than I do the Travis dude. Meaning not at all, But you get what I mean. Dumbles is far better for the good guys than this hoity toity asshat who thinks that because he’s Head Auror he can do anything he wants. Him ignoring Dumbledore’s warning is going to get a lot of people killed.

“We were closer than brothers.” How else can anyone take that? What is closer than a familial tie? A romantic one! Duh!

He’s banned from teaching DADA. But he isn’t banned from teaching any other class! Travis should have been more specific! This is probably how Dumbledore ended up teaching Transfiguration during Tom’s time at school since he doesn’t fight Grindels until 1945. I love loopholes!

Are the candles in the Great Hall just lit all the time?

I for one, think that ‘Talk Shit, Get Hit’ is a very wonderful saying to take to heart. So when people were talking shit about Leta, she damn well deserved to tear them a new asshole over it! I applaud her for cursing that gossiping little bitch’s mouth shut in the corridor. She deserved it. I am a blood-thirsty bitch!

Young-Newt literally looked like a young Eddie Redmayne. Superb casting on that part, God damn! He even got all of Eddie’s chosen mannerisms down!

You know, I’m not shocked that Leta’s being harassed by Gryffindors. The whole school treats Slytherins like shit the moment they’re Sorted. Even when they aren’t raised on the magical side and know nothing about Slytherin’s reputation.

I have mentioned how annoying I find the weird fish-eye-like lens view, right? ‘Cause it’s annoying me again.

BTW, I will always firmly believe that Hufflepuff/Slytherin friendships are the strongest. That is a deadly combination right there.

Albus admits that he didn’t love Ariana as much as he should have. Age does somewhat remove that veil from the eyes, doesn’t it?

I really, honestly think that people just decided that anythngn they saw in this movie was going to be horrible and that’s why y’all are being a bunch of whiny bitches over everything. Queenie didn’t just up and decide hey, I’m joining Grindels! She’s honestly at the end of her rope and is getting manipulated. Y’all are fucking ridiculous. Don’t pay for tickets if you intend to find fault in everything the movie has to offer.

The good sis stands up and points her wand at Grindels despite knowing full well she wouldn’t be able to do shit to him. Temerity ftw.

You gotta give Grindels some props. This dude knows how to play on everyone’s soft points. He just sees them and immediately goes in for the kill. Was Voldy like this in the 70s? It makes more sense that people would follow him if he acted like this before ‘dying’ the first time. ‘Cause after his resurrection he wasn’t follow-worthy imo. Too frantic and mad to take seriously.

He literally tells her that she’s an ‘innocent’ and that ‘he doesn’t wish her harm’. He then tells her to leave, which puts her under the impression that she’s safe from him and can make her own choices. This is a prime manipulation tactic because she’ll come back eventually once she remembers that he supposedly gave her a choice and no one else will. She told Jacob he wasn’t giving her a choice, and now Grindels, the supposed bad guy, is doing just that. And he makes it like he understands her suffering in her desire for love without restriction. Even good guys make mistakes. Y’all want to kiss Dumbledore’s ass for every shit thing he did by saying he was trying to save the world, so you can get over Queenie having a lapse of judgment during an emotionally and mentally trying period.

Ah, the Mirror of Erised, in which you see your heart’s greatest desire. And Dumbledore sees him and Grindelwald alone.

Also, I’m just saying that pressing their hands together would have been enough to make the blood mix. Linking their fingers is not necessary at all.

Finally it’s just Grindelwald as he currently is, staring him down with an innocent expression. And Dumbledore’s sad smile is the only thing we see as the scene fades to black.

Newt is so good with creatures, I love him!

Every time he comes out of that case I am reminded of how slight Eddie is.

Newt asks Jacob to get the tweezers from his bag, but after the mishaps in the last film where British and American English were proven to be different to a degree, he goes on to explain what they look like and both Tina and Jacob are like ‘we know what they are, dude’. XD

They disinfect the unconscious dude, Tina gets her info and heads off. And Jacob tries to get her to come back and then looks at Newt and is all, “You didn’t mention salamanders, did you?”. XD

Upon Jacob’s insistence he goes after Tina and tells her she’s different from other Aurors because she’s got Middle Head, in reference to the middle head of a Runespoor which is said to be a Visionary/Dreamer and doesn’t argue like the heads on either side of it. Tina doesn’t want to kill Credence like everyone else which makes her a different kind of Auror.

So that whacky black shroud that covers the city is Grindels’ way of calling his peeps together?

Grindels’ appears before Credence and tells him he ‘wants nothing from him and wants everything for him, that Grindels never had’. He and Dumbles are perfect for each other. Master Manipulators. A certain kind of Dynamic Duo. Grindels even uses the whole ‘my boy’ thing!

The shot is on Jacob. His stomach growls and it pans down and then up. And Flamel is right behind him when it comes back up! Shit like that always gets me in films! The only kind of jumpscare I’m not into. I don’t like my back being exposed so shots like this kill me.

The Flamels don’t keep food in their house. What exactly was the exchange for living so long? Like, I just thought the Stone kept them youthful and stopped their aging, you know? Apparently they have no need of food. Wouldn’t living that long be boring as hell when you can’t even enjoy the basics of life?

“You don’t look a day over 375.” I love Jacob! XD

Seriously though. Nicki looks like he’ll fall apart at any moment. Is living forever like this really worth it?

Nicki “Hasn’t seen action in 200 years,” OMG!

Newt Polyjuices himself into looking like Theseus and calls him ‘an Auror and a hugger’ in this long-suffering but fond tone.

Theseus and Leta are literally right there too!

It was all going so well and then Theseus looks down and isn’t it always like that? The plot must continue on somehow? I’m dying! XD It was a good plan until that happened.

Tina gets him down with a flick of the wand? The War Hero? Really? Good for her!

Newt is such an awkward turtle. I love that they didn’t insist upon Eddie changing up the way he portrays him!

Newt describes Tina’s eyes as “Having and effect in person. Like fire in water, dark water,” and if that isn’t the nicest way to describe dark brown eyes idk what is. HE’S TRYING SO HARD NOT TO SAY THE SALAMANDER LINE! XD

SHE SAID IT INSTEAD! XD How she got that I have no idea. I don’t know shit about salamanders.

And Leta finds them and runs with them. I wonder if Tina is feeling awkward.

He’s known the Zouwu for so little time and it’s already cuddling up to him! The Snow White of fucking wizards, everyone! He is a cinnamon roll and must be kept safe!

Honestly I am proud I kept up with the whole Lestrange family tree business because holy shit it was convoluted!

The Lestranges are so sexist. Only the men get recorded on the family tree, what bullshit. Leta’s father Raped her mother via Imperius and never loved her. Frankly, a child being jealous of a new sibling that he did love shouldn’t be surprising. Kids make mistakes all the time and hating her for making a rash decision she didn’t fully understand at that age, is ridiculous. She didn’t even mean to get him killed. It’s not like she’s some super horrible person for that.

Newt gets this! He literally gets it! And she tells him “You’ve never met a monster you couldn’t love”. I hurt. She’s not a monster, she’s a fucking human being who made a grave mistake when she was like 7 and it haunted her for the rest of her life.

Nagini doesn’t trust Purebloods because, “They kill the likes of us for sport”. Her life must have sucked.

And here’s where is all leads up to. The literal Crimes of Grindelwald. And not in the sense of law-breaking, although there has been a lot of that. The title means in reference to an act of of great offense which isn’t illegal but still considered morally reprehensible, against another person or persons. He’s spent this whole time manipulating the hell out of everyone and doing things both illegal and simply sinful. Lying isn’t against the law, but the way he’s doing it is wrong, and it helps him commit his ‘crimes’.

Also what the hell is with evil people and graveyards/tombs? Is this a requirement in joining the dark side?

Grindels finds muggles “Not disposable but of a different disposition.” He’s really workin’ it because he knows the kinds of people who showed up to this little speech thing of his and he’s getting all of them at once.

He’s literally showing them a vision of what will happen in WWII with the bombs in order to scare them into joining his side. It’s what will ‘rise up’ from the muggles, and Jacob understands it instantly. Scare tactics ftw! He has a point in a sense. Could we really say that the leading governments of our world wouldn’t try to enslave magicals in order to have the most power over all other countries?

The Aurors are called down to face the crowd and Grindels knows just what to say to stir up feelings of distrust. Though they’re cops so it’s not shocking. They’re all power-hungry and with the experience a lot of the people have with Aurors, plus Grindels sweet-talking them all, of course some chick just up and moves against them and get murdered on the spot. Not even detained. Cops kill first and ask questions later, not shocking magic ones do the same.

Auror used an AK without hesitation. But you know, everyone says that is the most evil spell in HP, right? And no one, not even Aurors, should use it?

And as expected, it all plays in Grindels’ plans. I’m not shocked. “Spread the word. It is not we who are violent.” Right after an Auror just murdered someone. Talk about playing on the emotions.

The fire Grindels’ conjures is blue, compared to normal fire. Which means it’s hotter. Voldy’s fire was also blue. Is this just because they’re magically powerful or are both Dark Lords?

Grindelwald uses magic like he’s a conductor. It’s interesting because everyone else but Voldy has only ever had a death grip on their wands. Voldy holds his wand more gracefully and loosely.

Nagini does not side with Grindelwald. And she has a point. He knows what Credence is, not who he is.

Okay, so a lot of people died in the blue fire, but Newt was able to hold the fire off from consuming him several times. My child is so powerful! He’s just never violent with it! *APPLAUSE*

Queenie’s desperation makes me so sad. She and Jacob love each other but go about it very differently.

I can’t tell if Leta was saying ILY to Newt or Theseus. Maybe to both but with different meanings? Romantic Love isn’t the only kind of love out there. One is her long-time friend whom she could have romantic feelings for if their bond is deep enough. The other is her fiance though her bond with him doesn’t seem that deep. Confusing and shot deliberately like that to confuse us too.

She tries to kill Grindels knowing it won’t work. I like Leta. I don’t get why people don’t like her.

He’s literally using his fancy Fiendfyre to destroy Paris. This dude aims big!

Flamel is a genius and a bunch of people, most who aren’t trained Aurors, just had to put out some powerful magic that would have destroyed a whole city.

Newts hugs Theseus!

The Niffler lives and got the Blood Pact thing from Grindels! How did he not notice it?

Queenie’s skills are very useful to Grindels in how to deal with Credence without scaring him off. He knew what he was doing in manipulating her to his side.

Grindels and Dumbles agreed not to fight one another. Wonder what would happen if they turned their wands on each other with intent to do harm. Pain? Or maybe... their spells being directed elsewhere by some unseen force and hitting nearby things(*cough* Ariana *cough*)? 

So here’s where I am confused but I have many thoughts. A.) Percival Dumbledore died some time after 1890 but no date is given. He was in Azkaban during the time and immoral things happen in prison. He could be the father. B.) Kendra Dumbledore died in 1899 and Credence was born ‘circa’ 1901(meaning around that time frame but no specific details are known) so she could have birthed him. Albus wouldn’t know since he wasn’t very present at home and was distant to his siblings. Kendra isn’t actually a Dumbledore but she had the name, Credence doesn’t know the details, and Grindels could have sent the Phoenix in some way. C.) Grindels is just lying altogether but he’s really believable. D.) He used the word ‘brother’ to mean family, like how he addressed the people as his ‘brothers and sisters’. His fellow magical people. So perhaps he meant as in like Credence’s kin. So he could be a child of Aberforth who would be old enough to sire a child(teens do it all the time), or of their Aunt Honoria who could have had a kid for all people know.

Dumbles is the one to tell us all about the Phoenix thing first. Grindels strengthens that fact later on, making it not just some children’s tale. It’s all left to us to wonder if he’s lying about Credence or not.

I observed a lot.

So for the cinematography, it was really well done save for the fish-eye lens crap. I really didn’t like that. But I am a sucker for panning from above. Also clever use of the camera while certain people speak. Angles can do wonders to tell a story.

I thought the plot was very easy to follow. I’ve seen people whine about it not making sense but literally, in stories about multiple people, the POV shifts. A lot. In order to understand why everyone is doing what they are doing, you need to know what is going on from their ends. So yeah, why is everybody just randomly in France of all places? Paying attention lets you find out!

I do have one really big annoyance and it’s more for it taking this long instead of it happening at all. In the original HP films there really aren’t a lot of non-white actors portraying characters, even if they’re just extras to fill in for other students and such. In this film there were extras of all kinds of nationalities. I saw a lot of Black and Asian folks just filling up the background. And I’m glad the universe now seems more realistic and diverse. It’s just annoying that the most diverse of all the films in this fictional world, is the newest one and kinda makes the others a bit disappointing since the 20s were less progressive than the 90s.

My initial opinions on certain characters did change. Naturally I hate Dumbledore as a character no matter what but he’s more interesting than before. And I don’t really like Grindels all that much but he is a badass and watching him is interesting. Theseus and Leta grew on me with such little time. I cried for both of them. I’m disappointed but not shocked or angry at Queenie’s actions. I cried for her too. Flamel creeps me out still. I like Nagini. She’s been through some tough shit and is mildly distrustful of everyone. And now she’s away from possibly her only friend(I got not romance vibes between she and Credence btw).

I liked all the story-telling. There were a lot of creatures. A lot of talking. A decent amount of action. And humor spread out here and there for some levity.

I thought it was a fine film. It was good. I’d re-watch it with the first without hesitation. I had moments where I laughed, moments where I cried, and moments where I wasn’t sure what I was feeling at all.

Grade: A

[a-cup-of-kencoco]

My lovely, darling @crystal8325 tagged me in this fun little thing (and I’m finally doing it, I’m so sorry that this took so long) where I have to write 10 facts about myself and then tag 10 people that I’d like to get to know better. I honestly had to write this one out and contemplate SO MUCH, I apologize for taking so super long to make this. So! Let’s hop to it! (BTW, @crystal8325, I absolutely loved your post - you’re such a wonderful person and I’d love to strengthen our friendship. This also goes for everyone else that I’m tagging, I love you guys!) I decided to just list off some fun things, so I hope that all y’all like it!

1. I love hot drinks - specifically tea and coffee. My favourite tea would be peppermint and I take my coffee black. It’s what gets me up in the morning and calms me down after a long day. To go along with this, I like to collect mugs! I have quite a lot and they’re very weird/kooky. The weirder it is, the better.

2. Major depressive disorder up in this bitch, though it’s looking up. I was hospitalized last June (Which was a rather traumatic experience, but I like to view this as a learning experience. Eventually, I’d like to write about this since I kept my hospital journal, but it will take a lot of time and energy to do that lol) and put on medication - which has honestly helped me so much and saved my life. While I’ve dealt with this disorder for quite some time, this has been the first where I was actually taken seriously and forced myself to take steps to heal myself. I couldn’t have done it without my best friends, who I don’t think really know just how much they mean to me and how they have impacted my life so much. I love them so much and I honestly don’t think that I could ever put into words how thankful I am to have crossed paths with them in this life.

3. I absolutely adore cats. I just love them so much, probs more than anything they’re just so cute and soft! I have three cat babies and they are my cHiLDreN, mY SWeET sUmmER ChiLDreN tHaT I WoUld dIE FoR. Their names are Sarah Jane, Lenore, and Amai! I have plans to adopt more cats because three is not enough and I just want to be the embodiment of a stereotypical crazy cat lady. So like, Nyah, bitch.

4. I was a film student for two years! Well, more like one and a half (and then a half year of fine arts). I have always been fascinated by film - still am, but the institution that I was at was complete SHITE and did not offer what I really wanted to study, which was screenwriting. So! Now I’m applying to another school and plan on studying creative writing. Aside from film writing, I also enjoy writing poems, memoirs, and short stories. I still value the time I spent at my previous school and I met some super awesome film professors, but that place was just awful and I needed to get out. I’d like to get back into film in the future and have plans for several possible television shows/films.

5. I’m scared of horses - a rather weird fact, but hear me out. My grandmother (who lives in rural Indiana, if that tells you anything) has been a horse owner/caretaker for as long as I can remember. I used to be ok with them and would actually help her out in the barn! Plus, I could explore/get into shit, because I love doing that lmao. However, she usually had horses that were complete assholes and I had several awful experiences with nearly all of them. I fell off of one, was bit on the back of the neck by another, pushed over and nearly trampled, etc. Princess (a horse that was born on the property and delivered by my grandma) was the dickhead that caused the most trauma injury. She would constantly bite, step on you, literally chase you and try to run you over. She was a fucking bitch. So, after dealing with that for a large chunk of my childhood, I am now forever uncomfortable when in the presence of a horse.

6. I love rain/thunderstorms or windy weather (bonus if they’re combined) and the night is my favourite time of day.

7. I’m a rather morbid person?? Or more like I am fascinated/have a deep love for dark/scary/morbid things. I love horror, psychological thrillers, serial killers, murder mysteries - anything gruesome, disturbing, macabre, creepy, or spooky in real life or fiction. I just love that kind of stuff - it just fascinates me and I can’t get enough of it. (Please don’t think I’m a murderer, I just find the darker parts of humanity incredibly intriguing. I swear that I’m a really nice person, I just like weird things)

8. I believe in ghosts! In fact, I grew up in a haunted house! There was a lady ghost that lived in the basement and she would walk around at night. I’d like to do some ghost hunting eventually, I think it would be super fun and ghosts are just hella cool.

9. I love to cross stitch and embroider! Now I’m trying to teach myself to crochet, which is going...ok??? I’m still learning. But! I am an old lady and like to do needlepoint projects. It’s relaxing and soothes the soul. I usually listen to music or audio books while I’m working!

10. Aside from cats, I love cephalopods. I don’t know what it is about squid/octopi/other cephalopod bbys, but I just love them. They’re so cute and squishy! They just kind bloop around everywhere and look adorable as fuck. I just love them. I have plans of getting several tattoos of some lovely cephalopods. Eventually, I’d love to pet one. Just reach out, pet it, and my life would be complete. I’d like to do that with a shark as well, but that might be a lil more difficult.

Alright! 10 facts about me! That was a lot of fun and again, I am so sorry that it took forever. @crystal8325  Thank you so much for tagging me and I hope that you liked this! I am going to tag these lovely people: @altardust @googlymooglyghoul @dreamlover4eva @my-addictions @lovefrombeelzebub666 @clappityclapfrisco @metalhat @boopdaspook @secularhxze @gleamed

If you do not want to do this, that is totally fine! I just wanted to share this and have some fun! Anyways, I hope you all have a wonderful morning/day/night!!

[loving-jack-kelly]

Newsies Boyband AU!

Now first of all I would call them the Newsboys but like...that’s a real band that exists so idk what their name would be

But anyway! Boybands! Fun and cute and lots of wiggle room!

Crutchie

lead singer

beloved by his bandmates and by most fans but every once in awhile there’s that one fan

Idk I just think Charlie is overrated....he can’t sing that well, Jack has a nicer voice, and I think he only gets to sing lead because of his leg :/ I’m not ableist or anything, I just don’t like him

Mostly Crutchie ignores things like that but once in awhile he wonders if they’re true

Jack

lead guitar/harmonies

very much the Hot Onetm but people tend to overlook his talents

designed the logo and does all of the shirts and album covers but doesn’t make that public knowledge

the Crutchie Bashers usually use Jack as an excuse and Jack is having none of it he’s a master vague tweeter

I love all my bandmates and everyone is perfectly suited to what they do, from lights to vocals!

I feel like people forget Crutch and I have been best friends since fifth grade and I have videos like this cause if they didn’t they’d ask for more [video of Crutchie singing The Wizard and I at a middle school talent show]

he loves singing harmony, and only sings lead if somebody makes him. two songs in their repertoire include him on melody

Race

the drummer

(haha guess who still likes EYDW with all his heart?)

he’s the Wild Onetm but everyone adores him because he’s cute and funny

Racetrack Higgins Highlights:

“So I was like, fuck it-wait shit I can’t swear in interviews-fuck! Dammit, sorry, I-” “Race just stop talking”

he broke a snare during a concert once and put it on his head like a hat

pictures of him kissing everyone in the band, on crew, and even fans on the cheek but it’s because that’s what he does. In Italy. That’s how you greet people. and it just carried over

always wears a necklace with a shark tooth. gazes into the distance when asked where it was from and responds with, “I’ll never forget her.” Actually bought it Wings on a day off in North Carolina

changes hair colors every other week. fans go to two concerts in two days. first one he has bright red hair. next day it’s bright blue.

slowly acquiring more piercing until one day they’re all gone.

“Lmao you though those were real? I cried when I got a single ear piercing.”

then people think his tattoo is fake and it isn’t but it’s ridiculous. like literally the word “THOT” on the back of his neck. Spot dared him to.

so people love him even though he’s wild

Spot

designs sound for recordings and live shows

most fans only know him as the one goading Race on

but once in a while somebody recognizes him in the sound booth and is like “ahh, that’s who he is”

also secretly write lyrics sometimes but asks to be credited as “Sam Carlson” so his poetic writing doesn’t ruin his tough guy image

which makes people think of all these crazy theories as to who Sam Carlson is and why he writes songs randomly for the band

is the only reason Race hasn’t gotten lost on tour in a gas station

is the one who set up the Walkie Talkie system that keeps everyone organized

the star of Jack’s snapchat story half the time but never caught doing anything strange? people just know he’s awesome and says funny things

is the one who adopted the cat and resulted in him being named Asshole but it was an accident

Katherine and Sarah

managers and lighting designers

really cool and really gay

every time they’re doing a show around a Pride parade time or during Pride month there are rainbows and other flags everywhere

Sarah is also in charge of PR after the Incident of Race accidentally DMing a fan who’s username included Jack’s name something along the lines of “sup fuckface where are you everyone else is here and you’re the one who said he was bringing the good stuff”

by good stuff he’d simply meant the Purple Doritos but the fan didn’t know that and it took a while for people to let that go

People think Jack and Kat are dating for a long time because they’re always together

it literally took like fifty pictures of Kat and Saz kissing before people stopped denying how gay she was

Davey

plays bass but also violin and other related string instruments

sometimes sings a third part but not usually

people don’t give him much credit until there’s a new song

which starts out really slow and is only Jack singing and Davey playing cello but mid song it picks up and Dave changes instruments really fast like in the space of one beat to violin and goes really hard and the song tops the charts for weeks because it’s like crazy good

“yeah I’m a classically trained violinist, I just usually have more fun on bass” “...” “but i like that song a lot, most times I’m on violin it’s slow and boring”

that song is also when most of the Crutchie Bashing started because it was the first really popular one that featured Jack on melody since only Jack sang

Their shows are legendary for being good like the vocals the instrumentals everything is always good

they got their start in college where Crutchie got them into one of the theatres and it was just for fun

but Race, the wild one even in the very beginning, realized that they were actually really good and signed them up for some show like America’s Got Talent or something like that

and while they didn’t win overall, they did get enough attention to get a record deal

and then they just EXPLODED and became the new big thing

which kind of freaked all of them out a little bit because what has started as fun music with friends was suddenly paparazzi and crazy fans and people wanting to know “when is it what is it where is it how are you will you” about their songs

but they mostly acclimated pretty fast

Crutchie had the hardest time because while he’s friendly he’s also a but of an introvert and needs his privacy which was suddenly a lot harder to find

like most boybands, instantly there were Those Fans who shipped people

the most common one became Jack and Race because they seemed like the ones most likely to like each other

really though it was Spot and Race, who balanced each other out, and Jack and Crutchie, who’d been in love for years and only figure it out when people started trying to ship Jack and Race which made Crutchie really jealous, and the people who nobody knew as well like Specs and Romeo, Kat and Saz (at first they became better known later), etc

they get a really good rep with people because they’re always willing to take a selfie or like fanart as long as it isn’t creepy, or answer questions

Jack hosts monthly Q&A sessions on his snapchat and each time it’s somebody new

so like the first one is Crutchie, then Davey, then Race, then Katherine, then Sarah, the Romeo, etc

They don’t come out for a long time but one day they’re performing in a town where there's this big news story about a gay kid getting harassed at school and they know the kid is there because it was the only positive thing they found on his twitter, so they all come out together like the entire band and crew

“So we’ve heard about some of the stuff that’s been going on here, and we want everyone to know that we don’t agree with it, at all. In fact, things like that effect us, too. I’m not the most eloquent speaker, but if you’re hurting today because of who you are, of how you’re born, know that you’ll always have support with us.”

And Jack kisses Crutchie in public for the first time which leads to Race stealing Crutchie’s mic and yelling something about “get up here asshat we can’t let him show us up!” and then suddenly every single couple involved in the band is on stage being proud of who they are

the kid who was getting bullied cried and then they invited him backstage and he cried more and it was really sweet and they stayed in touch

After that the Discoursetm is horrible around them for like, months

“reminder that Jack is dating Crutchie and shipping him with Race is not cool”

“reminder that we can ship whoever we want with whoever we want and it doesn’t cause harm”

“stop calling Jack bi when he’s gay, don’t erase his identity” (jack retweets it with the added caption “I’m bi as heck actually everyone is pretty and it’s not fair :)”

“they’re just faking it for attention!!!1!!1″

after a few years they announce it’s their last tour and people are like “oh no, what happened, did people start fighting?”

and their answer is “no but we’re like twenty eight now and honestly just want to get married and settle down”

except for Spot and Race who plan on going around the world in eighty days and then getting a dog and doing it again with the dog

or at least, that Race’s plan, Spot just honestly wants to stop moving around and settle down a bit, but maybe not get married yet

So the band breaks up and people are kinda sad but every time they’re all in one place, which is pretty often since they’re all best friends, somebody snapchat/instagram/twitter/youtube gets a new video of them messing around

Jack and Davey out out a solo album and it’s really good

Crutchie gets coerced into releasing a Christmas album and it’s funny

and Davey makes a Hanukkah album that’s him playing and singing traditional songs that he sang growing up and it’s gorgeous

Bonus: Red Carpet Tidbits

because I have a lot of feelings about Crutchie’s style

Crutchie gets known for never wearing a normal tux like it’s always custom done and never just black or navy

also his makeup is always On Point like crazy good and people are like “tell us your secrets” and he’s like “lol cvs and years of practice and makeup tutorials from YouTube”

Jack wears normal suites but there’s always a twist

the first was the time he actually just spilled paint on himself in the suit bc he’s an idiot but there wasn’t time for a new one so they ended up just going with it and it looked pretty okay

and after that he get’s suites from like Macy’s modified to look better on him and to add cool things

also his hat game is pretty terrific

he’s also a total hipster and people know it

Davey wears totally normal red carpet men’s attire but lets Crutchie do his makeup and look absolutely gorgeous

Race wears crazy stuff

like you know the Great Comet ensemble costume design? probably things like that. formal wear turned into punk style things and he pulls it off and lets Crutchie do his makeup too

the best picture of the band is from like, the Grammys or some award show like that where Crutchie is in a purple suit, Jack is wearing a beanie and a jackson pollock styled color splashed suit, dave is looking fine in a perfectly normal suit and SUPER Extra but good makeup, and Race is like barely clothed but still obviously supposed to be wearing a suit like thing and like a foot shorter than everyone

[babesboatsandbivalves]

Boat Life Lessons: Vol 1

First of all, I need to disclaim this entire blog as anything remotely close to a source of expert advice or opinion. It is not. For those of you with any experience with boats/sailing, please humor my ineptitude and laugh with me as I learn by doing. Writing things down helps me to remember, and my goal is to share with you in a way that's not technical, mostly topical, and at best, might make you smile the next time you find yourself in similar straits.

So now, I trust I will make at least one person #facepalm reading this list of 5 Things I've Learned Since Moving onto a Sea Cadillac with a Stranger Last Saturday (11/11).

Please let me know if you're that person.

5 Things I've Learned Since Moving into a Sea Cadillac with a Stranger Last Saturday

Said stranger seems to be (so far) a laid-back, kind, experienced captain... thank you universe

The day you think you'll leave port is not going to be the day you actually leave port

The importance (and volatility) of wind maps

The Boatyard has better oysters than McGarvey's

Do not flush tampons down the boat toilet

1.  Said stranger seems to be (so far) a laid-back, kind, experienced captain... thank you universe

There are a hundred really good reasons not to fly across the country to meet a complete stranger you found on a Crew Finder forum on Facebook, or to move onto a sailboat with that stranger after a handful of phone calls to sail said boat across the Atlantic... especially when your sailing experience is 100% limited to Lake Travis in landlocked Austin, Texas. 

So arguably the most important thing I learned this week is that Ben-- Captain Ben, formally-- is a kind, rad person; someone I already call friend.

Over beers and oysters and milling around in a boat together for a week in Annapolis, here’s what I can surmise so far (Ben, thank you for humoring me):

Ben grew up on a surfboard in Cape Town. He got started sailing ~12 years ago delivering boats around the South African horn, and has since racked up 160,000+ nautical miles at sea delivering, chartering, and racing boats around the Atlantic and Indian oceans. No big deal.

Through his job-- delivering boats around the Caribbean and beyond-- he's no stranger to skippering with novice crew. Even more, his crowd-sourced crew come from various walks of life: 52-year old ladies seeking adventure; 19-year-old boys seeking the same; military retirees, vagabonding couples, soul-searching singles... a revolving door of characters with whom he’s had to share limited space. So it's no small wonder that a marina regular described him to me as “a cross between Jesus and Captain Ron, yannoe?“.

Ben has dreams of buying his own boat, and making his way through Panama to the Pacific in the foreseeable future. His favorite show is Food, Booze and Tattoos on Netflix, because it reminds him of home. He spends about 1/4 of any sentence speaking in onomatopoeias ("we were trying to get there quick, right? Like tchk-tchk-tchk")... which he attributes in part to growing up near cultures where whistles and clicks are the language itself.

Other confidence-boosting details, Mom:

His first priority is safety. "We're not going out into fuck-all weather just to make dates work."

His #1 Rule: Don't fall off the boat.

We've had candid conversations about hard things: respect, trust, setting expectations, how we communicate/take feedback, personal space. Critical when your home is sub-300 sq ft.

This gig includes a lot of alone time at sea as we swap between watches. So it's been cool to be able to get to know each other before taking to the water... but for Ben, planning for a few days to acclimate/evaluate each other is just best practice; an MO that's helped him avoid some otherwise sketchy crew.

So, so far so good. Taking everything a day at a time. Especially because:

2. The day you think you'll leave port is not going to be the day you actually leave port.

It's only the second time this has happened to me personally, but the pattern seems apt (the first was when an imminent squall postponed our boat voyage from Whittier, AK to the oyster farm by a week). Now on this exceptionally gusty Sunday in Annapolis, we should have left 4 days ago.

But the more reliant you are on a boat, the more bound to favorable conditions your plans must become. Favorable conditions that must come into magical alignment include:

Legal conditions: For us, this means the owner of the boat closes on the boat, finalizes paperwork, makes sure that all the toys, bells and whistles are aboard

Mechanical/electrical conditions: We're prepping a brand new boat for it's maiden voyage. So making sure before we're out there in the middle of endless blue for the first time that the boat itself works and functions as it's been sold to.

Wind/weather conditions: Perhaps the most obvious, but also the most important. Favorable in our case means the wind itself is not going to be gusting at 40+ knots (like it is today), completely against you, or at least "off the beam", meaning the wind is at least coming at an angle that isn't diametrically opposite your heading (stay tuned for edits/corrections).

Our situation has been such that the most favorable few days of wind (that would have sent us safely cruising south through the open Atlantic) occurred while awaiting the first two conditions to be met. So although I arrived a week ago, only two days ago did the legal stuff get sorted, and only yesterday did we realize the port thruster wasn't working... yay new boats!!!

Today, Sunday 11/19 it looks like we won't be setting off 'til tomorrow, the 20th, when weather finally looks agreeable enough to scoot down the Chesapeake, then hug the eastern seaboard to the Carolinas. We'll wait out some ugly bouts of low pressure, and then set off south toward Grenada.

But again. One day at a time.

Looking at the weather charts, it looks like it's going to be a hell of a ride down... 

3.  Always do your research before you leave port... and do it often

On the boat, Ben checks the wind forecast every few hours on his iPad the same way that some people check Facebook. He's looking for critical changes in forecasts that dictate how and when we'll leave. But with everything being up in the air (lol)/anyone's guess, there are several apps in particular that he trolls regularly throughout:

Navionics - for plotting a course, navigating underwater channels and routes

PocketGRIB - for forecasting areas of Low and High pressure, wind, precipitation, etc.

WindFinder - another wind forecasting tool, different datasets

PredictWind Offshore - another wind forecasting tool, but my favorite... because color

I asked him to explain Sunday's PocketGRIB predictions along the route:

And another video of Ben purely to showcase him saying ‘Bahamamamas’:

4.  The Boatyard has better oysters than McGarvey's

In the 5 days of prep and idle time here in Annapolis, Ben and I may have eaten somewhere in the ballpark of 40-45 oysters between these two Happy Hour hideouts... for about $40-45.

McGarvey's (James River oysters, wild) - These wild harvested oysters are toothy to bite but almost bland, and definitely not briny (because a river, perhaps?)... their shallow, round shells don't retain their liquor well once opened, so eat hastily lest they get too dry as you admire them. Found a good few anemones still attached to the shells, a testament to their natural habitat of the shallow, brackish river estuary.  ​(That said, below is a picture of the... third... time we got oysters from McGarvey’s. This time, Ben ordered 2 doz to go, still in shells. And then magic

Boatyard (Chesapeake Bay oysters) - Also wild caught oysters, but the taste and presentation overall wins me over (I am a shucker, after all...) Clean cuts, light brine (further out into open salt water), and lots of liquor. These oysters tasted like kissing the Chesapeake itself. And the cucumber mignonette!!!!!

And last but not first:

5. Do not flush tampons down the boat toilet.

I repeat: do not flush tampons down the toilet. FYI, a boat toilet is called the 'head', so do not flush tampons down the head. So now you know. Just don't do it. Because then, you'd have to have that awkward conversation with the boat captain, whom you just met, at 9 in the morning over coffee, that not only are you on your period, but that your Shark Week weapon of choice is now jamming the brand new $800k cruising yacht's toilet macerator. And you've been here 1 day.

Luckily, this is not his (Ben, the captain's) first rodeo. On our way back to the boat, we pass a dock-neighbor who's getting rid of some coat hangers. Ben suggests using one to make a hook of sorts, and 5 minutes of fishing later, I triumphantly retrieve a *thankfully* white wad of cotton from the depths. At that moment I'm caught in a strange mix of feeling fucking awesome and fucking disgusting as I realize I now need to disinfect EVERYTHING around me in this tiny fiberglass bathroom.

And that's just Day 1.

Honestly, that should be the case for every toilet I KNOW. I KNOW. Never again.

Fuck tampons anyway (this girl gets it)