#anyway i miss jenna. hope she’s doing well. hope to one day see a 40 minute tour of her house in the sims

[fingertipsmp3]

Had a dream Jenna Marbles came back :(

[00katrinka00]

Landcaster Legacy Gen 7 Update #40

Dear Diary, It's been a few months since Alex and Sophie were born. Mom is so occupied with them that we missed the appointment with the copyright lawyer, and Janie ended up getting the rights to MY music. I'm angry, but also it just means I have to work even harder now. -Violet

In the meantime, Alex and Sophie have aged up into infants, and they're absolutely adorable. Alex got the calm trait, and Sophie the cautious trait.

I was hoping at least one of them would inherit Mads' blond hair, but no luck. Ethan's genes are too strong.

"And I told him to not ask me all lame like," Jenna was explaining to Violet, and Lacy during lunch. "Like he actually has to put in some effort if he really wants me to go to prom with him." "Makes sense," Lacy agreed. "He's got to prove that he really like you." "Exactly!"

"Speaking of prom," Violet interjected. "How the hell has nobody asked me to be their date yet? Even Leo has a date, and he's a nerd!" "Is this about a certain red head who just so happens to be the lead singer in a rival band?" Jenna asked teasingly. "Sage? Wh-what? No!"

"Oh, come on," Lacy said. "You've been talking about her nonstop the last few months, Sage this, Sage that." "I have not," Violet lied. The truth was, Violet had developed a bit of a crush these past few months, not that she'd ever admit it.

After school Violet met with Sage at the local library to finish their creative writing project "And…submit!" Sage exclaimed "Nice to get that turned in huh?" "Haha, yeah" Violet said awkwardly "I want to let you know" Sage began to say. "Janie and I are going to prom together"

"Why, uh, why is that something I'd need to know?" Violet asked, she was feeling crushed inside "Well," Sage began. "She's your ex, and I like to think we've become friends of a sort over the last few months, so I just though you should hear it from me." "That's cool" Violet lied

"That's like, so cool" Violet knew she needed to stop talking, but she couldn't. "I'm like so irresistible I already have a date as well, so, yeah" "That's great!" Sage said her voice deflated. "Who?" "Owen," it was the first name that came to Violet's mind, and she hated herself

"I thought you two didn't like each other," Sage said clearly confused. "He came around, I mean how could he not," Violet added in quickly. "I'm awesome." There was an awkward silence. "Anyways," Violet said. "I have to head to work, so I'll see you at school." "See you."

"Remember at Jenna's Spooky Day party when I told you we were friends?" Violet asked Owen after their evening rush died down. "And then you said I'd be banned from your house once you're famous?" "Yeah, see, friends," Violet said quickly. "I need a favor." "What kind of favor?"

"So, Sage is going to prom with Janie, and you know she's me ex, and I may or may not have told Sage I was going to prom with you," Violet explained. "So you lied?" "Yes, but would you maybe help me out, and go to prom with me, as friends, so Janie doesn't think it's a lie?"

"Does Lacy know?" Owen asked concerned "Absolutely" Violet lied again Owen though for several moments, as annoying as Violet was, she had grown on this the last few years they'd been working together, and in a weird way, he did care about her, albeit platonically. "Sure," he said

Back at the Landcaster residence, Lacy was trying to sneak upstairs before Mads noticed and asked her to help with the twins. "Lacy is that you?" Mads called from the nursery. "Shit," Lacy muttered under her breath. "Yeah." "Can you come in here for a moment?" "Sure," Lacy sighed

"Alex likes being held" Mads said "Can you hold him while I change Sophie? As soon as she's changed I'll take him back" "Sure," Lacy agreed and Mads passed Alex off. Lacy still didn't like children. After a few moments Mads reached for Alex 'Maybe that wasn't so bad' Lacy thought

As soon as Violet got home, she sat down with Lacy. "Don't hate me," Violet began. "What did you do?" Lacy asked. "Nothing," Violet said defensively. "Kind of." "Just get on with it!" Violet took a deep breath, "Janie and Sage are going to prom together, and it made me upset."

"Okay maybe not upset, more so jealous," Violet continued to explain. "I didn't want Janie to be the only one moving on after the breakup, so I might have told her that I was going with Owen, and it was only because he's the first person I thought of, I don't even like boys."

"That's cool" Lacy said. "I mean if you want to go to prom with Owen. I don't even have a thing for him anymore, totally over it" "Are you sure? Because you were like super into him." "You said it yourself, you aren't even interested in boys, so no problem. Go make Janie jealous"

"Thanks Lacy," Violet hugged her. "What are friends for," Lacy said.

[tanzani-coil]

tagged bbys

Tagged by the wonderful @figment-fantasies​ <3

The Last: 1. Drink: coffee eyyy 2. Phone Call: my dad 3. Text message: my guy jakub bby 4. Song you listened to: sleepover by hayley kiyoko bc im trash 5. Time you cried: like. sometime last week when i was with quinn??? it might’ve been friday bc of a dumb outlander vs tumblr post i was just fuckin crying

Have You: 6. Dated someone twice: twice??? bitch i havent dated someone ONCE  7. Kissed someone and regretted it: haven’t had my first kiss yet!! <- same bby!!! 8. Been cheated on: No. they’d be dead if they did lmfao 9. Lost someone special: yah sucks bro 10. Been depressed: mate depressed is my entire personality 11: Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope not yet im hoping to get plastered w quinn one day List 3 Favorite Colors: 12. blue. like. baby blue or egg shell blue??? 13. black 14: white (my entire wardrobe is black n white monochromatic)

In the last year, have you… 15. Made new friends: @onelassieandherfandoms​ this asshole 16. Fallen out of love: nah like??? wasnt in love in the first place 17. Laughed until you cried: yES 18. Found out someone was talking about you: i mean. always 19. Met someone who changed you: i dont rly know??? i cant tell when i change 20. Found out who your friends are: eyyy yeah 21. Kissed someone on your FB list: gross

GENERAL: 22. How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: this is???? so specific????? i mean most of them i still have like. perhaps 10-20 online friends on there i havent met up with yet so 23. Do you have any pets: never had any </3 always wanted a cat and a doggo but. parents hates animals so i gotta wait till i move out 24. Do you want to change your name: yah, my birth name is like. rly feminine and long and pretentious n ive been going by my nickname for the last 6 years so much that my birth name isnt rly??? i dont rly associate it with myself 25. What did you do for your last birthday: went out for a meal with my fam. dont have enough friends to rly do anything else lmfao 26. What time did you wake up: i mean i woke up at about 9ish, went back to sleep, woke up at about 11 again, then was on and off sleeping until 12:30 when i got up 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: homework bc my teachers live off my pain 28. Name something you can’t wait for: seeing quinn again, new skuldug book, new season of outlander, 29. When was the last time you saw your Mom: today 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my insistence on self isolation lmfao 31. What are you listening to right now: my mom jenna marbles trying to get one (1) kill on pubg 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yah 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: art block!!!! good fucking god i havent drawn anything in like. two months. and then after that i cant remember the last time i drew anything for me because i wanted to and not for homework smh 34. Most visited website: this hellsite 35. Mole/s: got loads of em on the side of my face, but thats the side of my face that my hair/fringe covers up so??? could be worse i guess 36. Mark/s: birth mark on my right shoulder which i love a bit too much, a round patch of darker skin on my deltoid(?) where i got shot with a paintball and it’s left a scar, a scar from a shaving cut on my kneecap, and like. the unfairly over-abundance of stretchmarks on my EVERYWHERE 37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a horse 38. Hair color: dirty blonde and blonde 39. Long or short hair: longish??? covers my nips at this point 40. Do you have a crush on someone?: uh 41. What do you like about yourself: uh?????? 42. Piercings: none, they freak me out??? but if i were to get any, it’d have to be a helix(?) piercing. i’d fancy like. a thick ring piercing if that makes sense 43. Blood type: do i look as if i know 44: Nicknames: george, but thats only if ur close to me 45. Relationship status: single and lonely as fuck lmfao but thats probably best, im just not built for relationships 46. Zodiac: sagittarius 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV show(s): person of interest, orphan black, outlander, the 100, brooklyn nine nine, orange is the new black, rupauls drag race, 49. Tattoos: none yet, but i rly fancy “be brave” in EXACTLY the same font as the skulduggery books, on the inside of my right wrist 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: um>?? i mean not rly??  52. Hair dyed a different color: i haven’t yet, but i want like. a lighter blonde ombre??? bc my hair is lame as fuck and i want to do SOMETHING with it 53. Sports: omf no 54. Vacation: i went to majorca a couple of weeks back just as the heat wave fuckin hit (rip me) 55. Shoes: tesco converses or black boots 56. Eating: biscuis 57. Drinking: coffee, with water inbetween bc im thirsty as fuck 58. I’m about to: do :))))) homework :)))))) 59. Waiting for: school to start up again. if i have to do homework i wanna do it actually AT school bc i cant focus for shit at home, but i can get so much done with the school facilities so 60. Want: to see quinn again i miss her dumb face 61. Get married: i want to tbh but. not built for that sort of thing 62. Career: ahahahaha jesus fuck i have no fucking clue lets not go into this

WHICH IS BETTER: 63. Hugs or kisses: HUGS. I FUCKIN LIVE FOR HUGS 64. Lips or eyes: eyes 65. Shorter or taller: i mean???? depends on the person but typically taller 66. Older or younger: older 67. Nice arms or nice stomach: i????? 68. Sensitive or loud: man idk. both 69. Hook up or relationship: relationship bc im a sap 70. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant bc i have a crippling fear of authority

HAVE YOU EVER: 71. Kissed a stranger: nope 72. Drank hard liquor: nope 73. Lost glasses/contact lenses: nope 74. Turned someone down: nope. i’d be so lucky lmfao 75. Sex on first date: bitch i’ve never been on a date let alone 76. Broken someone’s heart: nope 77. Had your heart broken: ahahahahahahahahahahaha 78. Been arrested: nope 79. Cried when someone died: yep 80. Fallen for a friend: ahaha  hahahah  hahahahahahahahahahaha

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 81. Yourself: well someone fuckin has to 82. Miracles: i mean??? i’d believe it if i saw it 83. Love at first sight: i believe that you can have an instant connection or chemistry with someone which would then lead to love, but like. love at first sight has only rly ever applied to pretty emaciated people so 84. Santa Claus: nope 85. Kiss on the first date: i mean?? nah

OTHER: 86. Current best friend: i have like. three friends?? all of which i’d consider my best friend i think 87. Eye color: blue but with like. yellow on the inside??? which. having googled is apparently called central heterochromia  88. Favorite movie: oooo. probably spirit stallion of the cimarron 

i mean. all the people i would’ve tagged I think @figment-fantasies tagged anyway so like. have fun folks

[laceyeb]

DWTS Season 24 Week 1 Recap

**DISCLAIMER: This will obnoxiously be at the beginning of every recap, so feel free to skip over it when you no longer care. I started writing these recaps for my mom way back in season 9 after I went to college and we weren’t watching together anymore. I love sharing them with you, but keep in mind that tumblr is not my intended audience as I write. So if you are confused about anything or have any questions, feel free to always ask and I can try to clear it up for you! Happy reading! :)

OMG IT’S TIME!!!

There’s definitely no All Access this season so I’m just trying to find stuff online about what’s happening throughout the show! I think this must be what it’s like to be on Survivor! I’m really roughing it! I’ve been so stressed out all day, but I’m so excited to watch!!!

Normani and Val - 7,6,7,7 - quickstep

I’m pretty happy with them going first. Get this one out of the way… Scores are alright though and a quickstep week 1 is hardly fair for anyone! Curious to see if her scores seem accurate compared to everyone else. They showed their “first meeting,” but it definitely wasn’t their first meeting! That was like 3 days ago! Now I wonder how often that happens! The dance was ok. A little hectic and uncontrolled, but again a quickstep is hard on week one! I’m sure she’s going to do just fine for many weeks. Lots of time to go yet. Score seems about right I guess. Hard to tell when they’re the first ones out. Did you catch her saying that her grandma keeps on little book of all the scores during the seasons?! OMG! I could be famous, too! Should I tweet Tom?! Can Alan be my partner?!

Nancy and Artem - 7,7,7,7 - Viennese waltz

I have absolutely no interest in them, but I think they’re a perfect match. Years ago, she probably could have won. Not going to happen these days though. I’m already falling behind and we’ve just started! Omg. Perfectly nice dance. She looked terrified, but I think she’ll hopefully get used to it. It’s just the first week after all. That was the perfect dance for her to do week one. I’m not sure she could have managed a cha cha already. It’ll be interesting to see how she does with something like a cha cha though.

Chris and Witney - 5,4,4,4 - cha cha

I’m sure it wasn’t any good, but 4s are a little harsh! Hopefully Witney at least has fun with him for as long as they’re there. She seems to be! That was a minute and a half of my life I’ll never get back. I still think 4s are harsh, but not undeserved. That was pretty much a mess. Moving on!

Bonner and Sharna - 6,5,5,6 - cha cha

OMG I’M NOT READY!!! I wish his score was higher and I hope the inevitable showmance isn’t too forced. As long as their chemistry seems real, I don’t care. But people aren’t going to like it if the show makes it too awkward! Pretty perfect dance theme for them the first week. With Sharna’s popularity, they aren’t going anywhere yet. He still has plenty of time to get better. Told you people were going to love him! The dance wasn’t great, but I already knew the scores so my expectations were low. But for week one it was ok! Especially for someone like him! He had fun and he survived the first week and that’s all I ask of him! Were you watching close enough to see Jenna’s face right after the dance?! She was just stunned, but in a good way! Did you think all the showmance stuff was too forced and awkward tonight? I didn’t think it was too bad actually. I expected worse. But they’re literally the only couple the producers could do this to, so of course it’s going to happen. I’m not complaining!

Charo and Keo - 6,5,5,5 - salsa

So Carrie Ann thinks this was at the same level as Bonner and Sharna?! We’ll see… She’s probably going to overstay her welcome, but at least she’s entertaining. I skipped this one. Still all flustered after Bonner and Sharna. Omg she’s crazy. At least she’s quite entertaining.

Nick and Peta - 6,6,6,6 - cha cha

I’m hearing some decent things about them so far! I’ve always loved him! I’m excited to see how he does. Maybe he’ll be better than the other bachelors after all! He’s not too bad at all! Omg I’m falling behind again! I really like him! I wasn’t sure what to expect of him on this show, but so far so good. He has way more personality than I expected him to have and he can move. So much potential!!!

Heather and Maks - 7,7,7,7 - Viennese waltz

All 7s. I’ll take it. I’m really curious to see how this goes. Last season with Amber hardly counts, so it’s been since season 18 since he had a real contender (Meryl). I definitely get the feeling he’s there to win and not just have fun. You know what I mean??? And he said the same thing. He’s there to win! The dance was pretty, but a little boring and nothing special. Like Carrie Ann said, she just didn’t show much personality tonight. Maybe she’s just not that outgoing, but that’s hard to believe. With something like samba, I’ll sure she’ll be able to shine more. I’m ok with them so far.

David and Lindsay - 7,7,7,7 - quickstep

I’ve seen a lot of stuff from them online already and they’re so fun!!! I’m really excited to see how they do! He could be around for a while and you know I love Lindsay! David’s birthday was yesterday I think. He’s 40 if you were curious. Omg! He’s pretty good! They’re going to do very well and they are just a perfect match! It was a little slow and boring for a quickstep, but I don’t think he missed a step. I can’t believe what a natural he is! Probably looked the most comfortable out there out of everyone so far!

Erika and Gleb - 6,6,6,6 - salsa

Pass. Not seeing good things yet at all. Hopefully the first to go. When I’m writing my recap during the show and I’m all stressed out because I’m still talking about Bonner and Sharna even though they were 5 dances ago, this is the dance I’ll skip. I actually watched. Not a terrible dance, but not a fan yet.

Rashad and Emma - 8,7,8,8 - cha cha

I was so excited for them when the cast was announced and then I kind of forgot about them because I’ve been so focused on Bonner and Sharna. But I’m excited again!!! Been watching some little videos of them too and they are so fun and so cute! Can you imagine how happy Emma must be right now?!?!?!  He is so good! Wow! They are going to do very well and I’m just so happy for Emma! He’s still got a little work to do, but he’s off to such a good start. I’m impressed! Definitely go back and watch this one! You’re going to love him!

Mr. T and Kym - 5,5,5,5 - cha cha

I’ve got much bigger priorities than them, but I can enjoy them as long as they’re around. I’m happy Kym is back and that I don’t feel like I need her to win because she won’t. And I’m ok with that. She doesn’t need to win. She can just have fun and she is! The dance might have been more entertaining if I understood the context, but it wasn’t much of a cha cha. With someone like him though, that’s about all you can expect on week 1.

Simone and Sasha - 8,8,8,8 - tango

I know she’s going to be there to the end and I know I’m going to end up liking her. I’m still bitter from last season, but that’s not her fault and it’s definitely not Sasha’s fault. If Sharna can’t manage a win this season, it needs to be either Emma or Sasha! Those are the only other acceptable choices. I’ve decided that next season will be all stars anyways and Sharna will have James back and they’ll get redemption! As long as that happens, I don’t even care who wins this season! She’s good of course! The dance didn’t change my life though. She definitely needs to work on the facial expressions and showing a range of emotions in her dancing. But still very good. So happy she’s with Sasha!

For the first time in a long time, I actually don’t think there’s one clear winner! Obviously there’s a few that’ll probably make it to the end and if I had to choose right now I’d probably go with Simone, but she’s going to have more competition than I expected. Rashad and Emma for one! Normani and Val will probably get better. Heather and Maks, too. Even David and Lindsay and Nick and Peta could go far! And if Bonner can shape up and get the technique figured out, they’re going to do very well, too! Now that week one is out of the way, I think we’ll see plenty of improvement from him. This could be an interesting season!

[balarsen22]

Therapy 4/25

We started out talking about my face (I have a really nice black eye from a high block at practice last night). She thought that Bruise needed consequences for it, but its roller derby, and i know she wouldn't have hit me in the face on purpose. She asked me if I made a list of things to talk about,and the rest of the session we went through the list. It was very businesslike to be honest.

I started with saying that its ED week, and that I’m going to see a nutritionist at the end of the week, and that she specializes in sports nutrition and eating disorders. She asked what I was hoping to find out, and I wanted to know what the end goal should actually be. She asked what I would do if she wouldn't tell me, and I said at that point I would find someone that would. She told me that I was really stubborn, and I retorted that I know that already. She also said that I’m a bit of an elitist when it comes to treatment, that I think I know better. And that I could just keep looking around and at some point I would find someone who would agree with me and tell me what I wanted to hear, but it didn't mean I was right I argued that if I was shown the science behind what they told me, that I would listen, but started to get really annoyed and then went numb. She said she assumed that I would want to stay at the calories I was at until I met with the nutritionist on friday. I said I would probably want to stay at where I was at anyways, and she commented that I would find any excuse to not have to increase my intake. That hurt, and it was really hard not to get defensive. I didn't respond to her comment.

She asked what else was on the list, and I told her about retaking the equipment exam and how I would've had 100%. It sucks that I still will have a 7% on it. She commented that at least I know I would get through it, and I said that Dr. Hellyer mentioned that he’s not worried about me being on clinics, so that's good at least.

We moved on to the next thing on the list, and I told her about my little freak out of whether or not people could tell if something was going on with me.I had 3 different doctors ask me between Friday and saturday how I'm doing, in that voice people get when they're genuinely asking, and they're people that normally don't. I've worked with Dr Kawcak for like 3 years and he's never asked me (or anyone else that I've seen) if everything's going ok before, but he asked me on Friday. And I had 2 different clinicians on saturday when I was on call ask how everything is going/ if everything's good. And Pounder asked me saturday morning if everything was alright with me. And holly asked friday at lunch If I was ok. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but since I can't accurately evaluate my appearance because my eating disorder distorts the image, I never truly know what I look like. I was probably making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be, but it's stressing me out. Jessica said that she only sees me twice a week in her office, so she couldn't really say. I told her that  I texted Megan about it, and read her the reply: "I don't think there is anything that makes you 'look' like something is wrong. That being said those who have spent some time knowing you can see when you may be having an off week or days that are not great. I would say it is more in your actions than appearance. Like you zone out more and are not 100% engaged when you are having a bad day. The only thing appearance wise that people can probably pick up on is if you look tired because you have gotten less sleep than normal. In that case, anyone could then ask and if they ask, it is out of genuine concern because they care about you and value you. It isn't a bad thing when someone asks, it is more likely they want to help you if you have a problem that you want to share. She asked if maybe they heard about the anesthesia exam and asked about that, but I don't think that would really spread around the hospital like that, to different departments. She said that I didn't look tired to her, but again she only sees me in her office twice a week so she couldn't be sure. She asked why it matters so much, and I actually wasn't 100% sure. I just don't like people to know I’m struggling, not like I am at least. She asked me how my mood has been. I said its been up and down. Well not really up, but neutral and down. That I’m exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. She asked if I thought I still needed to go to treatment. I said that I honestly didn't know. There’s a lot of times that I think I need to, but I’ve had moments that I’ve been okay. And I haven't been quite so bad as I had been. She asked what I thought contributed to feeling better, and the only thing I could come up with was that I’ve been getting more sleep. She thought that contradicted with what I just said about being tired, but even though I’m getting more sleep than I was i’m still not getting a lot. She left it at that, and asked me what else was on the list.

I asked if I actually had borderline personality disorder too, because that's what TK had told me. She said that factitious and bpd are intertwined, as both are the attention seeking behavior, but with my relationship issues I also fit the criteria for bpd, and it's hard to tease apart. She did say that most people for factitious don't actually seek treatment, so tk probably just assumed bpd. I got really hard on myself about being attention seeking, but also didn't say anything because I know its true. I’m an attention seeking little prat. She said that diagnoses aren't what's important though, it's more just being aware of what I do. She asked what I felt about it, and I didn't really feel anything about it. I just was thinking about it and wanted to know. She asked if I still talk to a lot of people from TK, and I said there’s a few that I talk a lot with- molly, jenna, corrine. She asked me where everyone lives, and I mentioned that corrine might be coming to denver for an internship this summer. When I told her she was looking at being a nutritionist, she commented how many dieticians and nutritionists have had or still have eating disorders. I said that it makes sense- at least with me, I obsess about food. I obsess about the nutrition and how it affects my body and I want to know as much about it as possible. I want to know the science behind it. So it doesn't surprise me.

We moved onto the last thing on the list, and I said how I was talking to sarah and she was complaining about someone hitting on her, and I got to thinking that I don't even know what it's like. I know I don't really put myself in situations that it could happen, and I don't even really know if I want to date. Like I feel like I’m missing out on something I should be doing, that normal people are doing, but other than that I don't really feel the need. She said that maybe I should start putting myself out there and figuring it out, but I’m terrified of datingt. She asked me what I was afraid of, and I guess the main thing is the physical aspect of it. Even just saying the words out loud made my stomach drop and my chest tighten. She said that she thinks that because I like hugs so much that with the right person, it might not actually be as scary as I think, and that I might actually really enjoy it and take comfort in it. That I wouldn't have to do anything I wasn't ready for. But the thing is, I’m such a people pleaser and want so badly to be socially “normal” that I’m afraid that if I’m pressured that I would, even if I'm not ready (I didn't know how to say that though). I was so uncomfortable talking about it. I also didn't say how I’m wondering if i should just find some random tinder hook up and screw someone to just get it out of the way, so I don't end up the 40 year old virgin. She asked if I ever talked with Megan about it, which I don't really. she told me I should ask her, and tell her I’m thinking about giving it a try. I said okay, but I’m definitely nervous about it. She suggested waiting until summer, and getting through the end of school first, which I’m all for waiting on it. In the meantime, she wants me to notice what I’m attracted to. just notice for now, and then once summer starts, begin figuring it out. God, I hate talking about it. I hate thinking about it. It's just so uncomfortable. Really, anything sexually related makes me uncomfortable, and I don't know why. It just always has. I didn't tell her that either though. I can't imagine someone actually wanting to do anything physical anyways.

We just chatted like normal people at the end. (I learned that she loves mini animals).  Thursday is EMDR day, she wished me luck with giving blood. I wanted to ask when her wedding was, but wasnt sure if it was appropriate so I didn't.

I couldn’t stop thinking about her calling me an elitist for the rest of the day though. I feel like I’m just done putting up with bullshit that I don't think is going to help, not an elitist. Amanda texted me later on that night about having multiple professionals tell her she needs to go back to treatment, but that her ED voice is so strong and she so badly wants to hold onto it. I responded to her: “I can understand that. ED is an asshole, but he’s a very convincing asshole. And its so hard when you’re the one fighting him 24/7. Sometimes you need some people to help you fight, and treatment is where you’re going to get that. But when it comes down to it, it is always going to be your choice. but I do want you to know that ED is a liar. you are worth recovery, you deserve to live a long, healthy, happy life. but fighting day after day wears you down, and its hard to believe that all the time when you have that voice in the back of your head that is telling you differently. In my experience, living with an eating disorder is paradoxically much easier when I am sicker. Then, my aims in life are, essentially, to restrict and lose weigh, get rid of fat, t. Nothing else matters much. , all the loneliness, guilt, fear are shoved under the rug by the overwhelming drive to starve, the only clear thing in my fuzzy, food-deprived mind. It’s a bleak, joyless existence, but so straightforward. This all changes, though, when I try to recover, or even just get a little better. Suddenly, things matter again. I feel. I want. I empathize. I care. There are too many decisions. I hate myself for eating and I hate myself for not eating. My body is a massive burden I have to drag along with me. It’s intensely uncomfortable, when it isn’t painful. It’s scary. It’s complicated. It makes me want to go back to my ED, and sometimes I do. But I’m trying to believe that it will be worth it in the end. Because a life with ED isn’t actually living.” It made me decide that what jessica had said earlier was right- that I wouldn't listen to a dietician unless they told me what my eating disorder wanted to hear. So I decided to cancel the appointment on friday, and up my calories for the week. I texted her wednesday morning and also told her to up the contract to 1725 this week. I also said how much I hate it when she calls me out on stuff and she’s right. I said it lightly (i added lol at the end), but I really am frustrated with her. But maybe its more my eating disorder brain that's frustrated with her?