#anyway i love one (1) joshua boy

[gyuswhore]

Hits Different (...'cause it's you) (1)

«« I trace the evidence, make it make some sense Why the wound is still bleedin' »»

PAIRING: kim mingyu x reader

SYNOPSIS: Kim Mingyu was the first friend your brother had brought home for dinner. Fast forward a couple years, his toothy smile and pierced ears would wedge their way into a permanent place in your heart. Nail to a coffin, never to escape.

or;

in which you get rejected by the only boy you've ever loved; a rejection you can't quite shake off.

GENRES: based off of 'Hits Different' by Taylor Swift, brother's best friend!au, brother!seokmin, fluff, angst, smut (in part 2) [MINORS DNI], friends(?) to lovers, university!au.

PLAYLIST: right here!

WORD COUNT (full fic): 40k (im actually embarrassed)

Part 1: 20.2k | Part 2: 20k

masterlist

WARNINGS : slowburn, angst, fluff, mingyus a bit of an airhead and an ass, reader has a hard time managing her feelings, lots of frustrated tears, one sided pining, user toruro x minghao make an appearance, swearing, there's another woman (gasp,,,,,but shes cool so), Nayeon is a darling, Seungcheol is kinda annoying here but we love him, smut tags in part 2

(Comments from @toruro): "oh shizzle", "yeah bitch", (on jihyo) "mother", "ME X HAO FIRE EMOJI", "men (derogatory)"

[A/N]: Tumblr is annoying and won't let me post the entire 40k in one go so i have to break it up (part 2 is out tomorrow!!!) i hope you guys enjoy this, thank you for all the love on the teaser, i hope this is able to live up to the hype, thank you so much for being patient with me <33 (ty @toruro for encouraging me when i felt shit ab this gkjnrgvkjrng and beta-ing ofc)

As someone who could vomit at the mere thought of throw-up, you tried not to stare into the toilet bowl as you emptied your guts in this questionable club bathroom. 

It was proving to be easier than you’d anticipated, naturally, when your eyes were blurred with bubbling tears. Were they because of your wretching or the feelings that churned in your heart? You can’t be entirely sure, nor can you find yourself having the mental strength to figure out. There’s a banging on the door behind you, one that sends your already aching head into a hurling spin. 

“Open the door, I have water for you, it’ll help!” You hear Mika blare from the other side, concern lacing her voice. 

You try to blink the tears away but they cascade down your cheek anyway, rubbing at them furiously before preparing to haul yourself off the disgusting bathroom floor. Taking a deep breath was a horrible idea, you realize when an atrocious mixture of scents hit your nostrils, cringing visibly. 

Washing your hands at the sink took you another five minutes, scrubbing furiously at your palms and nails with the dollar store soap the club graciously placed in a fancy dispenser, pumping more than a normal amount to rid yourself of the paranoia of tainted hands. 

Unfortunately for you, your palms were tainted with entities beyond mere soap and water’s powers. 

It was evident with the way you exited the bathroom feeling perhaps worse than you went in. Mika was nowhere to be seen in the hall, moving along to the private room where the rest of the group was to find her springing up as you enter. 

“You weren’t answering, so I left. Here, water, I told you to be careful with what you drink; you haven’t had a bite to eat either.” She reprimands. 

“Sorry,” you smile sheepishly, not having a reasonable excuse to give her. 

Joshua peeks over her shoulder, “You feeling any better?” 

The water is slow to go down as you sputter before replying in a hoarse voice, “Yeah. Way.” 

To be fair, the water did help. But it was you who was the problem, blaming the alcohol for the behaviour all your friends knew perfectly well where it was stemming from. Not a word was said though, for your sake or their own. You wrap up quickly after that, Joshua insisting to drop you off home himself, quoting how Seokmin would have his head if he left you in the hands of a taxi driver in this state — age gap be damned. You can only thank him as he pulls up to your destination, hoping you’ll remember this in the morning to return the favour in the future. 

“Before you go, can we talk for a second?” he piques, halting you as you remove your seatbelt. 

“Sure, yeah. What is it?” 

“I’m not gonna ask if you’re doing alright, not when you’re gonna give me the same answer as always. But…please take care of yourself. You’ve been drinking quite a bit lately, and it can’t be helping you at all” 

You listen to him silently, not a thought in your brain. But you nod anyway. 

“Thanks for looking out, Shua. I’m…I’m probably not gonna be going out for a while, you’re right,” you reply, quietly, a small smile on your face that you can only hope is reassuring. 

“I don’t mean lock yourself up, either. You don’t give yourself a break and then try to make up for it by drinking your self faint every week, that’s never gonna help you. You know that.” He speaks in a soft, soothing voice, a hand coming up to pat your hair before landing on your clasped hands on your lap. “You know what, I’ll pick you up tomorrow night, we can go the fair just me, you and Seok-” 

“I have class tomorrow.” 

“Like showing up hungover is gonna help you retain any information. Just skip.” 

You sigh a deep exhale, deciding to simply be upfront. “I kinda just wanna stay home for a while, going out’s kinda making it worse. I think rotting in front of my laptop’s what I really need right now” 

Throwing in a tinkle of a laugh, you hope you’ve sold yourself.

“Alright,” he sounds slightly unconvinced but doesn’t push you further, “I’ll drop in to bother you tomorrow though, don’t try stoping me”

“Okay,” you say, smiling a little wider. “I’m gonna go now, goodnight.”

“Wait!” he stops you once again, right before your about to shut the door. “Have you talked to Mingyu at all?” 

“There’s nothing to talk about, Shua. Night” 

With that you’ve slammed the door of his car shut, missing the ghost of a “goodnight” that leaves Joshua’s lips as he watches you walk inside the building. 

“And stop staying out so late at night! What were you supposed to do if Joshua wasn’t there?” Seokmin rants as he walks back and forth grabbing you water and pills as you finish your forced breakfast.

“Take a taxi?” you suggest sarcastically. 

“What? And get me called to the station to identify your body parts when some dude decides he wants to play cannibalistic butcher?” he screeches, and it has you wincing and grabbing onto your head at his volume. You dramatize it a little, hoping he’d shut it with his nagging if you gained some extra sympathy. He doesn’t stop talking, but he does tone it down. 

“Whatever, I’m not going out anymore.” You push your plate and bowl away as you hop off the stool and stalk off to your room, making as much noise as possible in the process. 

Your brother calls after you, but you don’t stop. Your head was pounding, 

“Are you gonna take your meds? HELLO? Or do you enjoy the feeling of having your head split open?” he slams open the door of your room mid-sentence, going on at your blanket-clad figure on the bed. 

“I’m going back to sleep.”

“No, you’re taking your fucking meds.” A cup of water is thrust into your hands as you pick up the pills from Seokmin’s open palms, swallowing before he decides to shove it down your throat himself. 

He waits on the edge of the bed, checking to make sure you actually swallowed the pill instead of hiding it under your tongue like you’ve done since you were kids. 

“I’m not stopping you from going out if that’s what you think I mean,” he starts, a lot softer this time, and you’re taken back to your conversation with Joshua last night. “You’ve been going out and coming home wasted a lot more than normal lately. I don’t know if it’s because your college agendas are finally catching up to you or what.”

“I’m just…My friends are always out and I wanna be with them, it’s normal,” you grumble, disappearing deeper into your sheets.

“You’d tell me if something was bothering you, right?” 

‘Yeah, yeah, now shoo. Your voice is making my head hurt worse, I doubt Advils are immune to your yapping.” 

“Fine, fuck you too” he mumbles, leaving the room only to pop back in a second later. “Mom called last night, told her you were at a study group. Might wanna call her back before she catches a flight herself.” 

You wave two fingers up in a salute from your flat position on the bed, hearing him close the door. You don’t sit up until you hear the TV blare from the living room, knowing he had parked himself on the couch and has his attention diverted. 

The headache wasn’t actually that bad, you just really wanted to be left alone, and your brother had a habit to do the opposite when asked, so it had to be done. 

What on Earth were you supposed to tell him, anyway? That his best friend in the whole world rejected his sister on the spot when she confessed her decades long feelings? That she was ruining her liver and kidneys every weekend over a rejection? By his best friend in the whole world?

Yeah, that’s an easy conversation. 

Snuggling into the covers you try not to think back to the abomination that was your birthday party just a few weeks ago, but your thoughts yank you there anyway, as if to remind you of every wretched detail of the encounter like it was wasn’t already burned into your frontal lobe like a brand. 

You were on a high; too happy, too excited. It’s not like you were expecting anything for your first birthday at uni anyway, you were too old for pink blowout parties and too young for the madness of college level clubbing. You were excited for takeout with your brother, to sit in front of the TV for the rest of the night, maybe even stick a candle in one of your burgers and call it your cake. Plans were changed when you walked into your home, ready to wind down for the night and celebrate in your own way. 

It was a full house, food and drinks everywhere, complete with a loud “SURPRISE” as you walk through the door. You remember hugging both your brother and Mingyu when they tell you they did all of this for you, an overwhelming feeling overcoming you as you grip them tight, hoping it’ll transfer all the gratitude you couldn’t express. 

You’re breathless as the night progresses, trying hard to focus on the conversations at hand, trying to be a good host. Failing miserably, you can’t force your gaze from wandering every few minutes, searching for Mingyu in the crowd, watching him move his mouth as he talked, throw his hair back as he laughed, smile that beautiful, beautiful smile of his, perfect teeth on display. 

It had been bliss these past few weeks, the lingering smiles he would give you, the flirtatious attempts never gone unnoticed. The smoothest of words slipping right off his tongue as he gave you eyes that twinkled and sparkled and blew air directly into the embers in your heart. You would still yourself as they would happen, like the mirage would crack and shatter if you even dared to breathe; it felt unreal. After all these years, you realised soon, Kim Mingyu may have began to like you. 

You’d be lying if you said you were completely sober when it happened, drinks were passed around and as the birthday girl you didn’t seem to have a choice to back down, already a little hot and wide eyed barely halfway through the night. 

And when Mingyu doesn’t interact with you all night, you go to him as the numbers in the house dwindled, cornering him as he collected bottles in the kitchen.

“Hey!”, he sounds enthusiastic, “You having fun yet?”

“Yeah, thanks again for doing this.” your remember fidgeting with your fingers and nails, digging them into each other as you let yourself spew. 

“Are you gonna say thank you at every chance for the next six months? It's your first birthday away from home. Besides it was Seok’s idea, I just helped out.” He had said, beaming.

“Mingyu, can I talk to you about something…?”

You sigh loudly as you replay the memory, face pushed into the covers as you bite back a scream at the blood rushing to your head. 

Stupid. Idiot. Absolutely brainless.

“Oh.” He had breathed out when you had spilled your entire heart out to him standing in that kitchen, visibly taken aback at your abruptness. “I…I’m sorry I’m not quite sure what to say.” 

You still remember that sickening feeling, that big ball of junk and emotions that sank lower and lower in your abdomen, settling a deep hurt in your chest that made it difficult to breathe. 

Laying in your bedroom, weeks after the fact, you can still feel your breathing go slightly erratic at the memory, hot tears springing your eyes, burning before you wipe them away. You were aware how baffling it was, how you were letting it affect you to this degree, but you justified it with the years you had remained quiet, yearning on the sidelines. 

You deserved to wallow in this pit. 

At least that’s what you thought. But after last night you wonder if you had stopped indulging in the sorrow and let it ruin you instead. A sigh escapes you at the thought of ending yet another night in a dirty bathroom, makeup smeared and guts removed, misery becoming the only thing you were allowed to feel in the aftermath. 

You reach for your phone on the bedside table, flicking through your unread messages, barely registering a word as you leave them opened and unanswered. There wasn’t an ounce of willpower in you even after a full night’s sleep, turning your phone off before shoving it in your bedside drawer, forgotten. You take a moment to stare at the ceiling, having no energy to get up to turn your lights off. Until the doorbell sounds. 

Of course you knew who it was the second you heard, but the voice paired with your brother’s conversing outside was enough to have you catapulting out of bed. You slap your hand over the switchboard, turning off all your lights, moving across the room to pull your curtains shut, cascading complete darkness in the room. You fly under the covers as a last effort to convince, covering your face with the sheets just as you hear a knock. 

The door creaks open slightly as Seokmin calls out your name. 

“Are you up? Mingyu’s here, he brought coffee.” He whispers slowly. You don’t respond. 

He calls out your name one more time before you hear the door click shut. You don’t move till you hear his muffled voice on the other end, “She’s knocked out, her head was hurting, better let her rest.” 

Heat pricks the sides of your face as your body finally relaxes, borderline embarrassed at how you were hiding from him like a middle schooler who thinks she’s in love. Which you were at one point; now you're a college kid who thinks she’s in love.

You try not to focus too much on the sounds coming from outside, burying under the covers to attempt at sleep for real this time. Eyes screwed shut, you can’t help but open them at every other intonation. There was no way you could figure out what they were saying if you tried, between the door and the TV, it was all a taunting buzz in your ears. 

You do end up falling asleep. But only after you hear the droning of the TV turn off, and the distinct goodbyes as the front door clicks shut. 

Keeping to your promise, you stay away from late nights for the next couple of weeks. Joshua so far as commends you for declining invitations, offering dinner on him on one particular phone call. 

“You know, I was serious when I said I was proud of you.” Joshua voices solemnly as you attempt to cut a strip of meat onto the grill. You snort as a response. 

“I wasn’t like, an alcoholic, you’re making it sound worse than it was.” 

“It was still bad for it to affect you in that way. Takes a lot to get back up from heartbreak”

“Especially one that’s lasted for nearly a decade.” You sigh as you give up on the meat, handing the scissors and tongs over. 

“Are we still talking about that?” He raises his eyebrows. 

A smile makes its way to your face, nibbling on a radish, “No.”

“Good. Because we need to talk about if we want our noodles hot or cold.”

“Seok! SEOK! Where the fuck did you put my pimple patches?” Your screams echo across the house yet garner no response. Opting to yank open the fridge, you dig through through the box of face masks to find them possibly laying at the bottom, forgotten. Seokmin bounds into the kitchen, towel in hand as he pats at his damp hair.

“What?” 

“Nothing,” you huff, shoving the unfruitful box back into the cabinet, "you used up all the patches.”

“Patches? Pimple patches? We’ve been out for a month, just use this tube in the drawer.” Pulling open the drawer, he rummages for a moment before emerging with a sickly yellow tube of what looked like poorly marketed toothpaste.

“You want me to put this on my face?” 

“Yeah, it works, zit on my nose was gone by morning.” He stuffs the tube back in the drawer not before squeezing a small amount on his fingers to dab on your face.

“Ew, get your dirty hands away from my face.” You grip his wrists before he tries to move in further. 

He does nothing but shush you, shaking off your hands as you grumble in silence, letting him finger paint on your face. You move up to fix a roller on your head, undoing it before rolling the bit back in, resulting in another “tsk” emitting form your brothers concentrated face.

“Okay, enough! I don’t have that many zits.” You pull away as Seokmin moves to wash his hands. 

“Are you going to bed right now?” He asks as you move over to the door.

“Yeah. I’m not going to sleep, though.” 

“Gyu’s coming over, you were asleep when he was here last too.” 

It seemed as though every bone in your body rattled against your flesh. 

“When is he coming?” You ask quickly, frozen in your spot. 

The doorbell rings. 

“Right now, I guess.” He snickers to himself.

You can only watch in mild horror as he moves to open the door, words escaping you. You follow behind him, trying to stop him, yet not doing much other than reach the front door yourself, fingers frozen yet mildly trembling. 

“Wait!” You finally whisper-shout, “Don’t open it!” 

Seokmin pauses to give you a look, “Why? He’s seen you look worse, it’s fine”

The door wrenches open before you can protest any further, a cartoonish moment of the hunched figure of you, hands out in a nearly there grip. You’ve failed, and the chorus of ‘hey’’s reach your ears in almost a mocking manner. There’s a conscious effort on your end to not look up too high, keeping to chest eye level for your own sanity. What you find once your vision clears from the white blur, is that there’s not one, but two people at the door. 

Mingyu’s brought a girl. 

Standing behind the door meant there was no immediate attention on you, which should have been a perfectly good opportunity for you to book it to your room, but you don’t. You stand there instead, staring at the back of their heads like a child in wonder.

Once you are noticed by your brother, he winces at your appearance, a silent apology, like he didn’t know about this new guest either. Or he was apologising for what he was about to do next, you wouldn’t know, because you wouldn’t be hearing him out when you throttle him later. 

“This is my sister” 

All three sets of eyes are on you now, a moment of silence as they take in your appearance. The grandma nightgown, in all its blue and collared glory, does absolutely nothing to boost your confidence in front of the very pretty lady, whose hair cascades down her back, whose skin stands as clear as a summer sky. 

“Hi!” She breaks the awkward silence first, “I’m Jia, it’s nice to meet you! I’ve heard a lot about the both of you.”

What?

“Mingyu has a hard time keeping his mouth shut, I’m not surprised.” Seokmin tries to joke as he motions for the couch in the centre of the room. You catch him kicking a stray sock out of the way as he urges them to sit. 

With the way your brother is acting, you don’t doubt this is his first time meeting this girl. Mingyu is yet to clarify why he would bring a friend to the house unannounced, but something tells you you already know. You remain on the sidelines, inching away to the hallway slowly, trying your hardest to not bring attention to yourself.

“I haven’t seen you around campus ever, are you new?” Seokmin prods, his voice slightly on edge. 

“Oh, um-” Jia begins but is cut off by Mingyu as he speaks for her. 

“Jia doesn’t go to our uni, we met at Seungcheol’s, we’ve been dating for a couple months.” 

There it is. 

“Oh! Couple months? How come I didn’t know?” You don’t miss the hurt laced in your brother's words, your fists clenching slightly at the oncoming silence. 

“That’s on me, sorry. It’s just…I didn’t want anyone to know ‘cause I thought he was playing around when he said he liked me, I wanted to see if he was being real or not.” She laughs nervously, and you see the back of her head move as she talked. You can’t help but note the arm that’s swung across the back of the couch where she sat. “Please don’t be mad at him! I promise it was me that stopped him.”

You don’t hear too much of what happens afterwards as you slip away into the crevice of your bedroom, standing in the entryway in absolute silence, attempting to absorb what you had just witnessed outside. Approaching the full length mirror on the other end, it takes a lot out of your to bring yourself to look straight into it, regretting it immediately as you acknowledge your appearance. 

Of course, the woman who actually succeeded in winning over the man that rejected you had to witness you in the unappealing yellow paste that your brother graciously dotted all over your face, not leaving the giant rollers in your hair to cut you any slack either. You could cry about it, but you don’t. Instead you lay back in your bed, sniffling in the dark, just as you had the last time Mingyu was over. 

It’s significantly easier to drown out the voices this time round, especially when your mind is preoccupied with a couple months. Your birthday was a couple months ago, does that mean they started dating right after that conversation? Or were they already offical and you had waltzed in with your princess dreams about your brother’s best friend being in love with you. 

It made perfect sense at the time, and no sense at all anymore as you wonder why on Earth he was being so forwardly flirty with you if there was another girl all along. There’s a bitter taste in your mouth as you recall how he had quit perceiving you altogether after that night, and you can’t help but mentally commend Jia for testing him by keeping it quiet. Especially when he was going around flirting with his best friend’s sister. 

It didn’t take long for you to guage Mingyu’s reputation when you first dropped into university, the senior having made himself a reputation none less similar than he had in high school. He was popular, but with his outgoing personality and a face like that it was hard not to be liked. Your brother was right there beside him, living it up as carefree college kids, suddenly remembering he now had a little sister to tend to. You were grateful for the both of them for being there to help you take your first baby steps, all the rites of passage and which professors sucked the least, not leaving the leaky water fountain to never drink from. 

That was when Mingyu’s (supposed) advances had begun. 

You’re projected back to first semester, when both of them had dragged you to the same couch outside, talking about an “important thing you should know”. 

“You walk into class one day, expecting nothing out of the ordinary. Your professor drones on as usual, your classmates look bored as usual, you’re tired as usual. But then!” Seokmin breathes in sharply, and you hear Mingyu bound to the other side of your vision, emerging on the opposite end of the room with a backpack swung over his shoulder. 

“The man of your dreams walks by…” Seokmin continues and you snap your head towards him in a panic, suddenly afraid he had found you out. He’s busy though, making ethereal hands in Mingyu’s general direction, while the latter walks in comedic slow motion like he’s in a K-drama b-roll, complete with passes over his hair and a nonchalant yet controlled expression. 

“What is this about?” It comes out snappier than you had intended, but you’ve had one scare already. 

“Just!” your brothers hands turn from graceful to clenched, like it was you he was trying to squish you for interrupting him, “Listen, alright?” 

“The man of your dreams walks by,” he goes back to his narrator voice, “and you wonder where he’s been all your life. You start talking, you’re enamoured. You start thinking about introducing him to your parents, what your wedding’s gonna look like, what your kids are gonna look like!” 

Your face is becoming increasingly warped the more you listen to him speak, not being able to fathom where this was going. 

“But no!” It’s Mingyu that speaks this time, pushing a jolt out of you as he slams the backpack on the floor, pointing directly at you for added effect,  “You’re better than that!”

“What the fuck-” you start, but are shushed by a physical finger on your lips as Mingyu shushes you. Seokmin slaps his hand away. 

“Our point is, that you’re probably gonna come across someone who you think is your next boyfriend.” Your brother continues, “But lucky for you, you have two seasoned professionals here to tell you that it’s nothing but fresher’s fever.” 

“It’s a new place, new people, loads of new experiences; you’re bound to latch on one of the first couple pieces of meat. Our advice is don’t, because it will happen to you. But you also now know that your just in a deluded stage right now. Give it a semester before you start dating people, trust.” Mingyu finishes for Seokmin as he thumps down on the couch next to you. 

“So all of this was just another stay away from boys lecture?” You raise your eyebrows. 

“Yes and no. You can date whoever you want,” Seokmin answers coolly before quickly adding, “but not right now.”

It was laughable, the thought of latching onto another person when you’d been trying exactly that for years. To have anyone catch your eye, to have anyone sweep you away from this madness that came in the form of Kim Mingyu. Neither of these seasoned professionals had a thing to worry about though, because you weren’t latching on anything that came out of this institute. You had already done so, in a stage more impressionable than this, years and years before any of them knew of the dangers of young girls and new boys in their vicinity. 

“Okay, I know you’re like on a self inflicted party ban and all that…” Joshua starts the second he places himself at your table, still haggard looking from jogging across campus.

“Don’t even try.” You warn with filled cheeks.

“Girl, let him finish.” Nayeon chides next to you. 

You exhale through your nose heavily, going back to pick at your tray as Joshua continues.

“Cheol’s throwing a little party tonight to celebrate the end of midterms.” He starts, “You should come, it's only gonna be a handful of people.” 

“A handful?” You repeat, unable to bite back the amusement in your voice. 

“Come on, your brother’s going as well! You’ll be fine, I promise we’ll keep you in check.” 

“I don’t need to be kept in check, I’m fine.” You grumble.

“Perfect! Nothing stopping you then, I’ll pick you both up at 8.” The words are barely out of his mouth before he’s back to sprinting out the vicinity, garnering looks from oncoming traffic, off to his next pestering destination 

“I don’t think I’d explicitly agreed.” You voice. 

“He got what he wanted.” Nayeon snorts, “Whatever, we’ll get ready at my place after this.”

“Weren’t you guys worried about me? Now you’re actively dragging me to parties.” You drop your utensils onto the tray.

“Too much of either isn’t a good thing, you went from forgetting what home looks like to exclusively holing yourself up in there.” She stabs a piece of potato with a chopstick and tries to pry it in your mouth. “Besides, Cheol’s parties are always super intimate, they’re all gonna be people you know, don’t worry.”

‘Super intimate’, as Nayeon had put it, had amounted to at least fifty people as you take in the crowd at the floor of the house. Despite not being packed to the brim, it was still coming out to look like a full house, random items already scattered across the floors in true frat party fashion. 

“Do you want a beer?” Nayeon asks, dragging you to the kitchens by the hand as you crane your neck to spot people.

“Uh, no. Is there juice?” 

“Um, there’s a questionable looking fruit punch.” she wrinkles her nose at the blaring red bowl on the counter. 

You sigh, grabbing a cup, “I’ll risk it.”

Joshua was air the second he had walked in with you, whisked away to socialize with his own hoard of acquaintances, leaving both you and Nayeon to fend for yourselves. You’re yet to spot your brother, granted you’d only been here a mere five minutes, his rowdy demeanor making him quite easy to spot in usual circumstances. 

Taking a casual sip of the electric red liquid you’re forced to make a face as you register the flavour, alerting Nayeon, who was too busy fiddling through multiple crystal bottles. 

“What? Is it bad?” 

“What the fuck is that?” You sputter in astonishment, wondering how the bowl was already half empty. “Who’s drinking this stuff?” 

She grabs the cup from you before taking a gulp herself, emerging the same gagging mess you were, eyes watering at the taste. It seemed almost comical when Seokmin shows up behind her, waiting to greet only to find both of you doubled over. His eyes move over to the potion in Nayeon’s hand and passes a knowing look.

“He’s brought The Whole Shabang out of retirement.” He states like it was the obvious answer.

Nayeon spits first, “Are we supposed to know what that means?” 

“Cheol got drunk one time in freshman year and mixed every ounce of alcohol he owned into one big bowl of despair. We retired it last year when the bowl broke and stained his counters. But anyway, beginners are supposed to dilute it before downing it.”

“That’s great and everything but why is it so red?” You ask.

Another voice speaks from behind you, turning around to find Seungcheol himself. “There’s an entire thing of food colouring in there, gives it an edge don’t you think?”

“I’m scared of you.” You deadpan, a sour expression remaining on your face. 

Seunghceol is quick to suggest the backyard for some fresh air to distract from the flavour it’s left in your mouths, commenting on the nice weather. Neither him nor your brother stick around for too long though, dipping at the holler of their names somewhere inside. You’re comfortable though, despite being blocked off by a concrete railing, the stairs make a nice haven for the both of you to lie down and stare into the clearer than usual sky. Cheol was right, it was nice outside. 

“I can’t lay down like this, I need to get a drink.” Nayeon announces not even five minutes later. 

“Why didn’t you get one when we were there?” You groan, but she doesn’t respond as she hops back inside, throwing a promise to be quick in the air behind her. 

The wall supports you as you deflate into it, legs sprawled across the steps in disarray. Nobody could see you anyway, taking full advantage as you practically manspread. The side of the pool that’s in your vision is empty by grace; calm save for the giant flamingo floaty that bobs itself into view from the edge of the wall you lean against. A breathy laugh leaves you at the sight. 

The railing on your other side is mostly concealed, you can still make out the wicker sofa set, complete with an unlit fireplace. It’s unoccupied, for the time being, as you register a conversation floating closer and closer to your ears. Wondering if Nayeon had brought friends, you stand up quickly to look over the railing to check for her face over the sliding door that leads inside. 

There’s no Nayeon in sight. 

But there is Mingyu. 

His mere presence knocks your butt back onto the concrete the second you see him stumbling over the threshold with a hoard of his friends, nothing short of his picturesque party strut. There was little reason for you to hide from him at all, considering the very possible notion that he would look right past you if you happened across his line of sight. Space floating in, he’d ignore you for your sake or his own, perhaps even both. 

For now, he’s seated himself with a few other people on the wicker sofas, leaving you hugging your knees to your chest, head on the concrete wall with the lingering feeling akin to that of a trapped mouse. Closing your eyes, you blow out air in an attempt to relax yourself, take light of the situation you’ve found yourself in. You could get up and leave in this very moment, possibly go unnoticed if you stalked back inside before they began their rattle not meant for your ears. 

And yet, you find yourself unable to move, not even when you hear their topic shift to Mingyu’s new beau. Suddenly you wish you’d moved inside the moment you saw him. 

“Was it you that stopped Jia from coming to parties?” You hear somebody ask.

“Why the fuck would I do that?” Mingyu grumbles, he pauses and you assume he’s taking a swing of his drink. “We started going out and suddenly she didn’t wanna come, that’s fine though, it isn’t her vibe anyway.”

There’s a snigger that moves across everybody seated, you hear loud thwack before Mingyu speaks again, “What’s so fucking funny?” 

“This girl’s made you work for it, huh?” 

“Isn’t that like, his brand? Don’t look at me like that, you’re the one yapping about liking a challenge all the time.”

“Yeah, remember Minji?” 

“I still think she was only pretending to not like you, her clique was always smacking at her to straighten up when you’d come over like we couldn’t see everything.” You could almost hear the eye rolling.

“Change the subject, will you?” Mingyu proposes, sounding exhausted at the prodding already.

“I apologise for the ex talk and nothing else.” 

There’s a pause for another choke of laughter across the group, and you wonder what it was that they found so funny. 

“I don’t know if I should say this…” Somebody begins, but is cut off by Mingyu.

“Then don’t say it.” He snaps, but you don’t miss his own jest. 

“I honestly thought you were gonna date Seok’s sister at some point. I mean, common consensus is that bagging your best friend’s sister is… what you’d call a challenge.”

What the fuck. 

You feel your eyes drifting closed at the turn this conversation has taken, wishing to simply fall asleep at what it’s come to. Somebody speaks up. 

“Nah, that’s like, the grand slam prize, that one comes after he’s done hanging with the side quests.” 

The situation is making itself out to be something out of a fever dream. 

Mingyu tsks, and you note a jostle happening through the gaps of the railing. “I’m leaving.” 

You find yourself hugging yourself tighter, eyes shut like he wouldn’t be able to see if you couldn’t see him. Not that it was possible unless he peered directly through the railing in his peripheral. 

“OKAY! Okay! We’re kidding.” There’s a pause. “Okay, but really…”

Another pause, this time longer. You hate how you can picture the ghost of an exasperated smile on Mingyu’s face, a bite of his lip perhaps, dejected at the shoulder with his longing, distant look. You hate how your mind fills the gaps of him the railing won’t allow you to see. 

“Seok’s not the type to beat me up if I dated his sister. And besides…” He sighs, halting his words.

“Besides what?” Somebody chimes in.

“I’m not interested in going after someone who’s chased my tail for the past fifteen years.”

There’s a chorus of hisses and oh’s, a few bounts of laughter in their disbelief. You can feel your stomach twist, heat pooling your figure. 

It would’ve been better if his words had hit you like a gong, maybe the aftermath wouldn’t have felt as horrid. But the connotations crept up on you like a million spiders making their trek up to your brain, waiting to stick their crawlers in the bits that would allow those words to hold meaning for you. You can feel the electric red of Seungcheol’s god awful concoction begin to rise up in your throat like bile; burning, imprinting. 

Mingyu had said what he had said. And everything was in it’s place, in finality. 

Despite the nearly four year age gap, you and Seokmin had co-existed without the semblance of an older-younger duo. It was mostly owed to Seokmin's shy nature, and his difficulty making solid friends. That, however, didn’t last long as your brother progressed through middle school. 

You had met Mingyu for the first time when Seokmin brought his first ever friend from school home for dinner. 

Despite being barely nine years old and half spoon fed by your mother at the same table, the prospect of Seokmin’s new friend was equal to you having a new friend – which caused enough excitement as you brought your favourite cartoon books into your brother’s room to show this new person after dinner. 

As the following year progressed, you saw less and less of your brother, and more and more of newer faces of ‘friends’ that you weren’t allowed to play with. It was distressing enough to be told by your mother that something of your brother’s was not yours, but even more so when you were kicked out of the room by Seokmin himself for the very first time.

It wasn’t as trauamtising as it felt in the moment, because you grew to find your own group of friends, doing the same as you’d kick your brother out for being annoying – except unlike you, he was doing it on purpose. 

Mingyu was a recurring face, one that was nicer to you on the days your brother was meaner, more forgiving on the days your relatively new middle school was relentless. He fit himself in your life easier than you had realised, more comfortable than you soon found you were comfortable with.

“Did you take my guitar picks?” Your brother bursts into your room just as your about to fall into your after school nap, grip loosening on the book in hand. 

Jolting awake at the sound of loud voice, you don’t respond as you attempt to orient yourself. 

“Well? Did you?” He demands again.

“What? No, I don’t know where your stupid guitar pick is.” You grumble. “Get out.”

“It’s not in my room that has to mean you took it, where is it?” 

Mingyu emerges from behind him, hand on his arm as he tries to pull his iron grip off of your doorway. “It’s probably just in your bag, you haven’t even looked!” 

Kicking the covers off, you sit up in a disarray, progressively annoyed at your brother for ruining your perfect descent into dreamland. 

“I don’t have shit, you just suck at keeping tabs on your stuff!” You grit. 

There’s a stagnant pause as he stares at you from the doorway. You can sense it coming. And it does. 

“MOM! SHE JUST SWORE!” He yells into the hallway, bounding to where your mother was, leaving an unsure Mingyu in your doorway.

Surprisingly, you were just glad he was gone, wanting to melt back into the covers. You make eye contact with Mingyu. “I really don’t have it.” 

“It’s probably in there somewhere, he’s just not looking.” He mumbles, standing a little awkward. “Um, go back to whatever it was, I’ll close your door.”

He does so, allowing you to finally slump back into your pillows to go back to your nap.

You find out quickly that you couldn't sleep after that.

The controller is becoming increasingly uncomfortable to hold. It doesn’t help that you’re brother is chewing on his four additional pieces of gum behind you on the couch, making obnoxious comments about your gaming form. 

You’re also sitting a foot away from Kim Mingyu on the floor, with whom you’re forced to battle out on Mario Kart. 

“Why’re you clicking the buttons so hard, chill out.” You heat Seokmin say, continued by his wet chomping right by your ear. 

“How hard is it to chew with your mouth closed?” Mingyu grits.

“What? Like this?” Seokmin leans over to Mingyu, chewing even louder, mouth wrenched open and closed right into his ear. Mingyu makes a sound before falling to his side, covering his ears at the ghastly sound, pushing him back with his free hand to shut him up.

You barely crack a smile at the unfolding, watching them continue to wrestle half on the floor. It’s noisy when you set your controller down, chest heavy, unfolding your legs to walk into the hallway to your room. Unnoticed. 

You only reemerge to feed yourself, inspecting the fridge for possible leftovers. Settling on an apple, you’re closing the fridge when you see Mingyu walk in, seemingly taken aback to see you there. You freeze with your mouth still attached to the apple to take a bite. 

“Oh! Where’d you go when we were playing? Didn't notice you gone till I got him to spit that wad of gum out his mouth.”

“Uh, just tired. Took a nap.” 

He hums in response and you're just about to leave when he starts talking again. 

“Hey, did you move the popcorn somewhere else? Could’ve sworn it was in here last week,” he mumbles as he rummages through a cabinet. 

“Oh. Um. It’s in the pantry.” You move before you can think, grabbing the box and slamming it on the counter, pausing briefly before reaching for the popcorn bowl and setting it on the counter next to it. “Here.”

You don’t wait for a reply before grabbing your apple and moving out the kitchen, only to bump into your brother at the door. 

“Where’ve you been?” 

“Napping,” you say, moving around him to go your own way but are stopped yet again as he calls for you. 

“We’re gonna watch a movie! You can lie on the couch.” 

Turning around, you catch sight of your brother still in the doorway, and more intriguing, Mingyu also expecting an answer from inside the kitchen behind him. You gulp as you attempt to remain casual.

“Nah, I’m good. You guys have fun.” 

You’re nearly at your door when you hear your brother speak. “She didn’t even ask what we were watching.”

Nayeon catches up with you before you notice, pulling your headphones away from your ears to announce her presence, not slowing down as you walked to campus. 

“Are you still upset about that Mingyu thing?” She asks when noting your silent demeanor. “We talked about this, come on.”

“Yeah and we concluded that it’s not an easy thing for me to just get over.” You huffed.

“You know what he’s like…” 

“Which is why I should’ve seen this all coming.” You turn around the corner with her.

“That’s not what I meant either.”

“I don’t know what came over me that day. I was doing so well for so long and I had to go ruin it because I’m – I deluded myself into thinking I had a chance.” You’re breathing heavily when you find a table in the air conditioned common room, yanking your bag off and slumping into the sofa. “None of this would’ve happened if I just shut the fuck up.” 

“What wouldn’t have happened?” Seungcheol plops down next to Nayeon, butting into the conversation. 

“Aren’t you intrigued.” Nayeon muses. 

“Especially when it’s none of my business.” 

“Charming.” 

“Anywho,” he sighs, throwing himself back against the couch. “I’ve been tasked with rounding people up for an assignment.”

“Are you gonna experiment on us?” you ask, referring to his chemistry major. 

“Nah, this is for an elective. Faculty needs volunteers for a photography class.” 

“So they need models?” You ask.

“I mean, anyone who signs up is automatically a model, so yeah they need models.” 

“Are we getting paid?” 

“You get to say you modeled for me.” 

“How convincing.” Nayeon deadpans. 

You’re stifling a snicker as you see Joshua walking up to where you were sat, planting himself next to you. 

“What’re we talking about?” He asks, pulling his laptop out almost immediately.

“Nothing, just how Seungcheol needs a reality check,” you sigh. 

He barely acknowledges the comment, going straight to business typing away. “Hey, you're staying for the summer right?” 

“Ew,” Seungcheol voices. 

“I am,” You confirm. 

“For what?” He sputters. 

“Is this you offering to pay for a round trip?” 

He silences quickly after that, giving room for Joshua to ask his next question. 

“Are your parents coming for your brother’s grad?” 

“Mhm, only for the night, though.”

“Oh, did you hear back from the bookstore too?” he asks. 

“I’m gonna apply right before break, I’m swamped right now.” 

“Let me know when you do, the restaurant might need another hire, you could work there if you want.” 

You make a face. “Appreciate the sentiment but I don’t think I’m in the right state of mind to be working in customer service.” 

Joshua’s hands freeze over his keyboard as he breathes out a delayed laugh. Nayeon mimics him.

“Right state of mind?” Seungcheol’s eyebrows are furrowed. “Wait, what were you talking about before I sat down again-” 

He’s cut off by a voice bellowing your name from across the common room. All four of you perk up at the sound, locking in on Mika aggressively pointing her wrist at you from yards away. You sit up with a jerk, checking the time. You were nearly thirty minutes late for your lecture.

“Josh, move.” You basically climb over him to get out of your seat, waving a hasty goodbye as you sprint to an exasperated Mika. 

“I’ve been waiting outside the hall for ages, you said we’d go in together!” she chides as you both speedwalk. 

“Sorry, I lost track of time…” You huff out a breath. “I just started talking about…whatever.” 

“Why’d you have that face on in there?” she asks.

“Huh? Oh, I was-”

“Nevermind, I don’t wanna know.” She picks up the pace and reaches the door before you do, rendering it impossible for you to speak to her after that. 

You’ve forgotten about it by the time you come home to an empty house, both Mika and Nayeon in your arms. It doesn’t take long for them to make themselves comfortable on the couch, looking at you expectantly like children waiting to be fed. You do that, courtesy of the half eaten pizza that sits on the coffee table. 

“I think you need to get drunk,” Nayeon voices from her end of the couch. 

Mika is immediate with her response, “Don’t encourage her.” 

“Hey!” You pout, “I haven’t gotten drunk in a while.”

“Keep it that way,” she shudders, “don’t need another Mingyu fiasco.” 

Your chewing slows at the sound of his name, a strange feeling settling in your stomach at the thought of him. Setting down your half eaten slice, you brush off your fingers. 

“I mean���” Nayeon starts after a long pause. 

“We don’t. Need another Mingyu fiasco, I mean.” You cut in. 

“If only he’d learn to shut up.” Nayeon grumbles, a sour expression on her face. 

Mika’s been shifting looks between the both of you, seemingly confused. “Am I missing something?”  

Despite not having the intention, you find yourself telling her what you heard while enclosed in the staircase. You attempt to keep it concise, for the sake of your own sanity, but Nayeon’s grumbling is only pushing you deeper into a rant. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t let a couple frustrated tears make their way down your face. 

Mika’s response as brisk as your explanation was passionate, brushing over the topic quickly before you got too heated. You appreciated it. 

“Have you considered signing up for the photography thing?” Mika asks.

“You know, I was thinking about that too.” Nayeon pulls a finger up in signed patience to wait till she finished the remaining pizza in her mouth. “You should do it. It’ll put your mind off…him. You’ll be busier too.”

“I have a million things to do, I’m busy enough.” You retort. 

“You’re busy studying at home. Where he could drop in at any point of day.” She points. 

Your open your mouth to rebut again, only to close it as you fail to find a reason to deny her point. “Okay, still!” 

“Just – think about it, okay. It’ll put more on your plate but maybe it’ll help.”

That was the last of your Mingyu talk, not that you could carry on when your brother comes slumping into the house after his class, stealing a slice of pizza as he makes his way to his room. He’s slumped at the shoulders, and you egg him to take a nap before he collapsed on the living room floor. 

Both Nayeon and Mika are quick to leave after that, leaving you with leftover pizza and your thoughts.

You sprawl your things out on the coffee table, taking advantage of the silent house to get some work done. Nayeon was right, as you think of the prospect of Mingyu entering at any given moment to bother your brother as a constant threat. 

It’s not until your prepping dinner with Seokmin that the project is brought up again.

“There’s leftover Chow Mein Mingyu made yesterday, shove that in too.” He yawns as he pushes the box over. 

You can only stare at the box in mild agitation, contemplating if you should simply chuck it into the garbage chute. Unfortunately, by experience, you knew Mingyu made really good Chow Mein, so you begrudgingly slide the opened box into the microwave to heat up, deciding you’d push Seok to eat it before you have a chance to take a bite. 

It’s silent while you eat, Seokmin still in a daze from his earlier nap, shoving spoonfuls of noodles in between bites of pizza. It’s not until your halfway through eating before he jolts up slightly like he’d just remembered something.

“Did you hear about that volunteering thing from the photography department? They want models for some project.” 

“Oh, yeah.” You pause, thinking back to what Nayeon had proposed. “Are you gonna sign up?” 

“No, but you should.”

“I don’t know, I still have a lot of prep for finals.”

“You get extra credit if it helps,” he notes. 

That was news to you. There’s a frown on your face as you deny, “No, you don’t.” 

“They’re doing it ‘cause they weren’t getting the response they wanted. I found out just now too, they’re gonna put it up on the bulletin tomorrow. Might wanna decide before then.” 

There were no questions asked after the realization, blue light of the laptop casting your face aglow in the darkened room as you hit the big blue Confirm button on the website. Skimming through the subsequent email, you find you won’t be needed till next week, the date and time making it’s way to your calendar. 

Now, if you had known what the next week truly held for you, there was no doubt you’d be sending in a cancellation email at first chance. 

But you didn’t know. So you simply went to bed, falling asleep to the vague idea of searching for modeling tips on youtube during the coming weekend, entertaining the mild possibility that this might be the thing that puts you at peace at last. 

The photography classes are held in regular lecture rooms, as you find out as you file into the sparingly filled hall at the date your calendar has graciously alerted you for. There was an image of a larger, more spacious area for a discipline pertaining to the arts, yet to be fair, the idea of having to create this form of art within a four walled containment did seem a little counter productive. 

Nonetheless, you find yourself seated in a spare chair, waiting for the clock to hit nine on a Saturday morning for the shuffling professor at the front of the room to begin. Your eyes make passovers across the gradually filling room, searching for a semblance of Seuncheol’s bright blond hair to wave him over. There’s no sign of him five minutes before the minute hit twelve, and you’re thinking about slipping to the restroom before it can to kill the remaining time. 

There’s another person filing into the room as you rise from your chair, and you pause in attempt to recognize Cheol in the grey zip up.

Except you don’t find Seungcheol, not at all. 

Mingyu is walking into the classroom, gaze sweeping across the hall as he seats himself in the front bottom row, head thrown back as he sifts through his perfect hair with his fingers. 

You aren't sure why your brows furrowed like they did, or why you planted your butt back onto the chair with the force that you did; especially when all you wanted to do was book it out of the room in full velocity. 

He was taking this class. Of course you knew that, especially when it was all he would yap about at any point he graced your presence. 

You can feel your purpose in the room fade to nothing as you register him as a unit. You want to blame someone, but you know it’s all you fault. You knew he’d be here; if your mind had only thought fit to remind you at any point in the past week. 

In regular Mingyu fashion, if he’d seen you, he does nothing to show it as you find him unraveling a loose thread off of his jacket. You keep your eyes on him, remaining mortified at your blatant disregard to the information that Mingyu was also in this class. Come to think of it, it was probably Mingyu who told Seokmin about the added credit in the first place. You want to kick yourself for not questioning your brother’s apparent magical source of information. 

There’s nothing that can be done as you feel Seungcheol finally slip into the seat next to you just as the professor in the front of the room begins to speak. You’re not in the right headspace to make conversation, so you're grateful for the small acknowledgment as the professor begins to drone. 

“Each student has been given a theme to work with, they’re all different and given to the people whom I saw fit for the job. You’ll be receiving your packets with your theme today, so remember to pick them up from the front desk before you leave,” she begins. 

“As for your models,” she switches to the next slide over to reveal a spreadsheet full of names. “Their names will be right next to yours, the photography students.” 

The entire room lurches forward as a unit, eyes squinted and whispers exchanged as they search for their partners in the sea of names. Seungcheol is zooming in on the picture he took with his phone, eyes zooming over to find his name. 

“Hey, I found yours!” he announces, moving the phone over to you. 

He’s zoomed into your full name on the screen, and your moving the picture aside to see the name across from it. Except, you find you wish you hadn’t. 

—Kim, Mingyu. 

If you needed more confirmation that the universe was simply against you, you’d gotten the message as you prayed the letters would morph into something else before your very eyes. 

You seem to have been staring at the name for too long, because Seungcheol snatches his phone back from your grip to see for himself after you refused to answer his questions of what the name next to yours was. 

“Oh, it’s Mingyu! That’s easy, you're basically related.”

You wanted to slap him. 

Before you can stop him, he’s yelling the boy’s name across the room amidst the growing chatter, the biggest, stupidest grin on his face. “Mingyu! I found your model, she’s right here! 

You wanted to squeeze Seungcheol’s neck till his head popped off. 

Mingyu turns around at the call, registering his friend’s words despite the growing noise. He registers you and you watch as he turns his head back at the projection, like he was confirming it was true. 

Of course he’s as petrified as you are, if not more. But the embarrassment of his apparent disbelief made its hot way into your stomach and chest nonetheless, your breakfast threatening to make its way back up. 

By the time the professor’s done with her bit and the room has begun to file out, you’ve found yourself standing outside the lecture hall in uncomfortable movement, shifting your weight between both feet and fiddling with the straps of your bag. Every passing face sends a jolt though your stomach as you calculate how jarring it would be if you left right this second without seeing him. 

You're counting his steps inside your head, how he’d shuffle for his name on the packet he’s meant to receive, counting in any conversation he’d start with a friend or with the professor. A thought occurs to you, and you wonder if he was searching for you inside. You’re weighing between walking inside and leaving altogether when he makes the decision for you, walking out of the room, booklet in hand. 

There goes the toast blaring its way back up your esophagus. 

“Hey,” he says unceremoniously. 

You respond with an unreasonably meek “Hi.” 

“Seok didn’t tell me you signed up for this.” He points casually. 

Well, Seok doesn’t need to tell you everything. 

“Oh, I told him while he was like half asleep, pretty sure he thought he dreamt it.”

Mingyu snorts a little at that, a slight smile appearing on his face as he pictures a sleepy Seokmin. 

“I can imagine,” he says, before he’s brought back to the matter at hand by you. 

You clear your throat before you begin to talk, expression remaining neutral. “Do we need to get started right away?” 

“Oh.” He seems a little taken aback at your forwardness. Like he didn’t know why you didn’t want to make small talk with him. “Uh, I don’t even know what theme I have yet. I’ll read over the packet and plan a couple things out before you have to come in.”

“That’s great.” You hold on the straps of your tote. “Text me when you need me.”

With that, you had spun on your heel and stalked away, not leaving room for him to retort with anything at all. You don’t look back. 

Nayeon can do nothing but gape as she watches you hold back frustrated tears, picking apart the grass under you as you curse the heavens for your horrible fate. She’s absorbing the situation as you wallow, finding the words to say.

“Fuck, this is my fault,” she breathes out.

“No!” You gasp out, furiously wiping away the irritating tears. “It’s not. I just forgot, it’s my own fault. You were right for trying to get me to do it, it just…”

“You can’t ask to change partners?” she asks.

“I can’t!” You wail, “I’m supposed to not care, how is this me not caring?” 

It was ridiculous. Truly. You were sobbing like a child over this, screaming about wanting to not care. But you did care. Too much. Nayeon can do little but hold you as you sniffle into her lap, feeling sick to your stomach at your own childish behaviour. 

“Why am I crying about this, this is stupid.”

“You’re stressed, hon, that’s it. You’ve got a lot going on and this just multiplied it.” She’s running a soothing hand over your back. “Just let it out, you need it.”

You emerge from your hunched position to sit up straight, sniffling a little less as you calm down. “Should I withdraw from the project?” 

“I mean, if you really want to,” she says softly. 

“But?” You sense her apprehension.

“But, maybe you should give it a go.” 

You can only blink at her with wet lashes.

“Think of it this way. You need to… build resistance, keep yourself around him regardless. There’s bound to come a point where you start to feel…nothing.” 

“Are you trying to work exposure therapy on me?” 

“Maybe? If that’s what it means. If you take yourself out of the project, it shows that you care. You need to pretend to not care before you can stop feeling the real thing.” 

There’s a pause as you attempt to find reason in her words.

“Listen, I may be talking out of my ass, and if you do end up doing it, it’s gonna be hard – like a lot, but–”

“No. You’re making sense.” 

“I am?” She blinks, taken aback at the realisation that you may be listening to her. You nod quietly, “You’re right, I can’t keep running away.” 

“So, you’re gonna do it?” She confirms with wide eyes.

Once again, you find it within yourself to nod. 

Yeah. You were gonna do it.

Being in Mingyu’s presence and feeling nothing may be the goal, but you realise quickly it’s going to take you a while to restrain the trailing eyes that follow him wherever he goes. Nayeon had warned you, but you realise you may be slightly ill-prepared. 

The theme is light. Vague to you but he doesn’t seem too bothered by it. He isn’t looking at you as he talks, eyes darting between the laptop screen and the plethora of papers he’s scattered on the coffee table. “I don’t really have a colour preference for this one but a a deeper blue or a purple would fit pretty well with the sunlight on here.”

You can only nod along in mild understanding, most of your effort exerted on trying to keep your eyes on the screen where he’s pulling up a color wheel. “I probably have something.” 

“Do you still have that button up Seok bought you? The one with the stripes?”

You recall the deep blue shirt your brother had gotten you for your first in class presentation, picturing it hung still in your closet. “Uh, yeah I do. I’ll wear it.”

“Bring options, whatever fits the colours. No turtlenecks or crewnecks though…” Mingyu continues to talk, taking notes for you in the process. Your mind, however, is somewhere else.

You hate how your mind takes you to a murkier place, one where the thought of him retaining memory of your closet pieces unprovoked has your neck tingling and your cheeks lifting. Trying to snap out of it before he notices your dazed expression, you pretend to flip through the couple papers in front of you, noting nothing. 

“Other than that–” he’s cut off by his phone ringing on the table. Both your gazes dart to the caller ID, and you immediately wish you hadn’t as you register the pink heart on the end. Jia was calling. 

He barely spares you a glance as he excuses himself in a mumble, something about being back in a second. You watch him leave through the cafe altogether, emerging on the other end of the glass walls in your direct vision. For the nth time that day, you find it impossible to tear your eyes away from his positively elated face, teeth out on display as talks to his girlfriend. You wonder what they’re talking about, if her face is beaming like his own, wherever she is. 

You zone out as you wonder what it’d be like to be the receiving end of an expression like that. To have something within you to be worth his smile, his mumbled pardons and his uninterrupted space. There’s a part of you that wonders if its greed – you’ve gotten to see him nearly everyday for the past decade, perhaps you’ve run your tickets dry. 

You realise quickly that Mingyu is no longer in your line of sight as you feel a ruffle on the chair as he sits back on his seat. 

“I think we can wrap up here, let me take the first couple shots before I can see where to go with it afterwards.”

You sense his eager want to leave, and you cannot help but beat him to it for your own sake. 

“Alright. I’ll see you friday then.” SLiding out of your seat, you make a halfhearted attempt at shuffling his papers in a neater pile, throwing him a half smile before grabbing your bag.

He isn’t watching you leave, you know that. Yet you find yourself refusing to slow down or look back till you round the corner, letting your shoulders finally slump and your pace to come to a temporary halt. It takes you another beat before you begin walking again, breathing in slowly as you navigate your way through the moderately crowded sidewalk. Nearly ramming into a fire hydrant, you shake off the seize that remains in your body, picking up the pace hoping it’d promote less thoughts.

It works, as you unlock your front door, finally shaking off the autopilot. Shifting to the kitchen is easy, rummaging the cabinets for your hidden stash of moonpies with the intention to devour the family box whole. You’re contemplating texting Seokmin to bring you actual food as you make your way to your bedroom, wanting nothing more than to let your covers absorb all the feelings that make you human. 

You find it unfortunate as you catch sight of yourself in the full length mirror and the outfit you’d put together before you had left. Your mind goes back to pandemonium as you take in the details, wondering why on earth you’d put in so much effort for a conversation that lasted less than an hour. You tear your eyes away before you begin to truly hate yourself, ripping your jewelry off as you make a beeline to wash your face clean of the makeup you’d put on. 

It becomes increasingly difficult to look at yourself even in the bathroom mirror, moisturizer going on more aggressively than what’s good for you. You feel a sting in the back of your eyes and owe it to the face wash. 

It’s easier once you’re in bed, your laptop at the ready, and a text on its way as you bug your brother to bring you your favorite burger and milkshake combo. You put your immediate faith in your moonpies for now as you rip the first one open, letting the sweetness bring you a deluded happiness. 

“His name hurts.” Your voice comes out echoey, the sound reverberating in the cavern of your chest. The shot on the table is inviting, but you can’t help but feel nauseous at the thought of downing it. Your fizzled out sprite is being good to you, so you let it.

“Hearing you talk about him hurts,” Mika slurs, slumping down onto the beanbag she’s dragged onto the scene, joining you and Nayeon next to the couch. 

Letting out a loud sigh that you doubt she can hear over the bass booming across the house, you settle to rest your head back on the couch backrest, staring into the ceiling. “Imagine what it’s doing to me then.”

“I don’t need to.” You can hear the exasperation in her voice. 

“Oh, hey, Hao!” Nayeon drags next to you and you lift your head up to see Mika’s boyfriend join her on the already tiny beanbag. He huffs out a hey between a slight smile, slumping almost entirely on his girlfriend. She pats his hair in silent regard. 

“I read this research paper about how they can delete the memories out of your brain squiggles,” Nayeon pops in.

“Since when do you read academic material for interest?” Minghao mumbles, fingers busy playing with Mika’s hair.

The pair continue to bicker as your eyes trail across the moderately packed house, the party looking more lowbeat than any other Seungcheol extravaganzas. Not that you were complaining, but when you spot a certain someone, it’s hard not to. 

Mingyu files into the kitchen with your brother in tow, beaming face evident over the island as he pours himself what looks like orange juice. Your mood is instantly soured.

“What study was that again?” You poke at Nayeon, the image of the man you wished for gone burned into your forebrain. She glances over to the open kitchen and realises what you’re talking about, coming around with a face of her own.

“That one’s gonna be a hard one to scrub out. But it’s okay, even the toughest stains succumb to bleach that’s strong enough,” she sighs. You’re barely listening to her analogy, not when he’s standing right there rendering it impossible for you to look anywhere else. 

“You sound like a commercial.” You can almost hear the crinkle in Mika’s nose as she comments, and you can’t help but breathe out a laugh. 

The rest continue with their conversation as you remain quiet for most of the exchange, eyes filling your heart heavy with the way they remain glued to the figure far out into the kitchen. It was less about the fact that you just wanted to look at him and more of how it was forcing you to think about your predicament; something that was weighing you down yet something you couldn’t help. 

You can’t be entirely sure how long you managed to stare without getting caught, but when Mika calls your name out harsher than expected, you snap around to divert your attention. 

“Huh?”

“Sixth time’s the charm, huh? Get it together, he’s not gonna look at you,” she huffs as she slumps back onto the beanbag, alone this time as you note that Minghao is gone.

It takes you a moment to gather what she had said, mouth gaping open and close as you try to conspire a proper response. “I wasn’t trying–”

“No. Save it. It was my fault for thinking I could sit here without having to sit through more of your Mingyu bullshit.” She’s shuffling out of her bean bag with mediocre difficulty, exasperation on her face as she trudges away to sit with her boyfriend and his friends on the seats on the middle of the floor. 

The air seems to have knocked out of your chest as you find the capacity to process what just happened. Seemingly forgotten Nayeon was also here, you note the hand she places on your elbow as a sober attempt to get you to look at her. 

The rest of the night passes in a nauseous blur, none that you could really make sense of. You bid Nayeon goodbye as you assured her you’d go home with your brother, waving goodbye to blurred taxi lights as she leaves you alone in front of a dwindling house. 

The breath you let out is shaky as your feet remain planted on the concrete, the remnants of tonight passing over you as they came. Deciding you owed it to yourself, you let the tears well up in your eyes. As tired as you were of crying over what was essentially the same thing over and over again, you let yourself tire yourself out once more. 

The party was over, and you knew that because you were walking home alone, hoping Nayeon would forgive you for lying to her. But you couldn’t possibly explain the tear stains on your cheeks to your brother, not when he knew nothing. It was better that way; you refuse to be the person that potentially ruins a friendship that’s lasted longer than any other.  

You try to keep your sniffling to a minimum as you trudge slowly in the dark, not bothering to wipe your tears. Your stomping grows louder the more you grow frustrated with your thoughts, and it proves not too well for you. There’s a pair of headlights throwing light onto the oncoming street, illuminating you in the process. You want to kick yourself as the realisation settles in, praying the car would simply pass you. Considering the late hour and the fact that you were alone is hitting you at the worst time, wondering if you could pretend to make a call as you walked. 

It’s a black sedan that rolls up next to you, slower than what’s considered a normal speed on an empty street. It honks and you nearly halt, owing to the shake that passes through your knees. It honks again, and you can’t help but look to the side to find a window rolled down. 

Mingyu sits on the driver’s seat, leaning over to the empty passenger side to grab your attention. 

“The Uber’s free! So is the driver,” he yells out the window. “Hop in.”

“I’m alright. I kinda wanna walk.” You shift your weight between your feet, the distance adding an awkward feel. 

“Wasn’t asking. It’s the middle of the night, I’m not letting you walk alone.” As he speaks, another car passes from behind him, slowing down. You note the look the other driver is giving you through the window, and it’s enough to convince you to step into Mingyu’s car. 

“I think we’re way past the point of formalities, don’t know why you hesitated.” He chuckles as he motions for you to click on your seatbelt. You fumble with it for a moment, his own fingers coming to the rescue to latch it on. You retract your fingers before they can brush with his own any further. 

Settling into your seat, you choose to look forward as he picks up speed. “Uhm, just wanted to walk, it was nice outside.”

“Take someone with you next time, it’s nearly midnight,” he warns. 

There’s a twinge of annoyance that emerges in the back of your mind for some reason, despite knowing full well that he was right. You just didn’t want to hear it from him.

It’s silent for a bit as the radio plays an uncharacteristically upbeat tune, prompting you to wonder if it was just you who felt the atmosphere pressing in on your chest.

“Did you not bring your car today?” he asks out of the blue, eyes remaining on the road as you glance up at him. One look at his side profile and you’re turning your gaze away.

“No, it’s at the workshop. I came with Nayeon.” 

“Why didn’t you leave with her?”

“I…” You pause. “I told her I was gonna go with Seok.”

“Hm. That didn’t happen.”

“It’s like I said,” you mumble.

He hums again in response, dropping the subject.

“Listen, are you…are you okay?” he starts again and it has you looking back up at him. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” You try to hide the bitterness in your tone but it proves difficult.

“I couldn’t help but overhear but I was sitting right there. Hao was talking to Mika about something she’d said to you, about…” He trails off. “I mean, you looked a little upset, I just wanted to ask if you were okay.”

You bit your tongue. Hard. 

He knew you were staring at him, he knew you weren’t over him. He knew you were still standing on the same square confinement from months ago. Never changed. 

“I’m fine,” you reply, snappier than you had intended. 

“Are you sure? I felt like I should’ve said something but Nayeon was right there so I thought…” He sounds unsure and when you see him look at you, with eyes filled with an emotion that makes you nearly gag, you almost lose it. You did not want him to pity you. Nor care for you; especially when it came from a place that nullifies your feelings. You didn’t want him to care for you for the sole reason that you were his best friend’s sister. 

“Mingyu, I think it’s best if you drop it.”

“Of course. But it might help if you wanna, you know, feel your feelings.” 

Fuck no, you weren’t crying in front of him. Not when you're sure he’s noticed the tear stains on your makeup.

“Mingyu, I said drop it. I don’t need your help, I don’t need to feel anything, I need you stop feeling like you’re obligated to care about me because you’re not.” The words come tumbling out before you can stop them, irritation laced in every snap and dent.

He says your name in an attempt to smooth you over. It only lands him in more trouble.

“No, listen, I get it. You’re uncomfortable about everything but you feel like you need to check up on me at the same time, and I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to worry about that. What happened, happened, and it’s my job to pick up the pieces because it’s my fault. You don’t need to meddle.” You’re breathing hard as you finish, finally settling back in your seat. 

He’s already pulling up to your building, heat still penetrating the silence. You unbuckle your seatbelt, mumbling a thanks for the ride. 

“Seok’s staying at Cheol’s tonight,” he calls out as you shuffle out the door. “Remember to lock the door.” 

You stand sheepishly holding the open door as you nod quietly. “I’ll see you tomorrow for the shoot.”

Middle school was harder than you thought. 

Not that you expected it to be easy, but you remained hopeful nonetheless. Fifth grade came plowing for you with an unexpected vigor, which you were feeling especially as you gripped your red marked paper with a vice grip. 

It was Mingyu who had found you on the kitchen island sniffling, waiting for your mother to come home and ask you for your dreaded test results. 

You drop your head in shame (even more so) when he asks you the inevitable question of “what’s wrong?” Your voice comes out as a mumble. “I failed my first test.” 

He blinks as he stops in front of the fridge, opening it to emerge with a carton of chocolate milk and two monsters. He slides the carton over to you as he takes a seat on the other chair. 

“Well, what did you get?” he asks as he pops his can open, ears studded black from the piercings he’d gotten done. 

You mumble out the number in incoherence that has him hunching down to hear you. 

“What?” 

“A fifteen!” you finally huff out in exasperation. 

“Hm. Better than me I think I got a two at some point. Don’t worry about it, it's not the end of the world.” He says. “D’you want me to turn that into a seventy five?” 

You look up confused. “How?”

“You’ll see. Get me your test. And a red marker.” 

On that day, Mingyu aided you in your first con, pulling lines to turn the one into a seven right before your eyes. 

“There. Now don’t let her look at it too hard or check your answers. And only give it to her if she asks for it.” 

He had left back to your brother’s room with the spare can of monster, leaving you to stash your test into your bag and move to seat yourself in a more natural position. You’d gotten away with it as your mother pats you on the back for your first attempt at a fifth grade paper, leaving you with a lesson to work harder, and a memory that stayed with you for years. 

The following day is met with a pit of guilt sitting in your stomach before you could even recall the events of last night. 

There’s little that you can do to prep as you’re supposed to change at the studio anyway, pushing the remnants of your makeup products into a pouch as a second thought. Your hair seemed fine, deciding you’d see to it if it needed changing when you got there. 

You push your departure as far as you could, finding more things to do and more chores to finish before you were due to leave. It takes you a final look at the time before you finally decide to trudge to the door with your things. You cross paths with Seokmin who’s only just coming home, looking worse for wear. He barely acknowledges you as he makes a beeline for his bedroom, disappearing. 

He’s probably fine. 

By the time you get to the studio Mingyu is already in the middle of setting up, immersed in the switches behind giant studio lights. It’s dark, save for the one studio light thats already on, casting a light on the white backdrop, a single stool sits at the front. Looking around, the place casts an eerie atmosphere, the unattended stations and dark back rooms casting a shiver down your spine despite the Afternoon light outside. Perhaps you were acclimated to the hustle and bustle in behind the scene videos of photoshoots, yet here it was just you and Mingyu. 

He doesn’t notice you come in right away, and you’re thankful for the opportunity to recast your words in your head, waiting to be uttered as soon as you say your hellos. 

“Oh, hey,” he says normally. 

“Hope I’m not too late.”

“No, you’re fine, I’m nearly done setting up,” he says, as he switches the second studio light on, doubling the glow in the room. 

“Oh, okay.” Your voice comes out as an uncharacteristic whisper. “Uh, listen, Mingyu, I just wanted to apologize about last night. You were only asking and I was being too harsh.”

He picks up his back from his bent position to look at you, hand coming to rub the back of his neck. “Oh, no, don’t say that, It’s me who should be apologising. I shouldn’t have pried when you said you didn’t wanna talk about it. I’m sorry, really.” 

You're opening your mouth to rebut, nails clashing onto each other as your fidgeting gets worse, but you decide to end it. “We’re both sorry, let’s just end this here.” 

Both of you have slightly uncomfortable smiles on your faces as Mingyu continues to fidget with his cables and equipment. It went smoother than you’d thought, silently thanking him for keeping it from getting awkward – more awkward than necessary anyway. 

“These ones are gonna be basic studies, establishing the usual studio lights in the beginning before we move to the more experimental shots.” He drags his own stool forward to sit directly across from you in front of the plain white backdrop. “Did you bring another black top?”

“I did, do you want me to change?”

“Not yet.” He positions the camera higher, looking like he’s ready. “Okay, relax your body. Shoulders back, chin down. Okay, now a smile, really small, barely there.” 

He snaps his first photo and you nearly knock yourself backwards on the stool, lights going off at the shot damn near blinding you. 

“You good?”

“I thought the flash was just gonna be your camera.” You frown, coming round. 

“Nah, you’ll get used to it. Okay, back in position.”

He takes a couple more pictures, urging you to make miniscule changes to your poses, whatever feels good. You find yourself loosening up, your posture aiding you instead of working against you. “Try putting your hands on the stool, yeah like that, lean forward. Chin up a little more.”

The directions continue from behind the camera as he continues to flash away, and you do your utmost to not let the lights disorient you too much. He lets you take a break when you make a comment about the pure thermal energy in the room, your face no doubt shiny and red from the lights. You’re done after you take a couple more pictures after an outfit change, rendering you free to leave within the hour. 

“I think you’re done,” he announces, stretching as he leaves his own stool. “I’ll send you deets for tomorrow, we’ll probably get a lot more done.”

“Oh, cool.” 

Gathering your stuff doesn’t take you as you go up to tell him you’re about to leave. You find him fiddling with cables, packing everything up before leaving himself. You make a split second decision, dropping your bag before announcing yourself. 

“Let me help.”

“Huh? Oh no, it’s fine. I just need to shove them in storage.” 

“That’s alright, I’ll help. What d’you want me to do?” 

“Uh, Maybe unplug all the ports, and um, turn the lights on too, I guess. It’s gonna get dark if you don’t.”

Cleaning up was easier when those god awful studio lights weren’t overheating the entire hall, collecting cables and putting equipment back into their places. It was over before you knew it. 

“Is your car back from the workshop?” Mingyu yells from inside one of the side rooms collecting his stuff. 

“Not yet, I’m getting it back on the 15th. Ordered a cab.” 

“You’re going home from here, right?” He emerges from the room, arms in the middle of slipping into his jacket. “I’ll drive you.”

“No, it’s fine I have to meet Nayeon at uni and–”

“Even better, I was going there too. Come on, I just need to kill the lights.” 

You’re out of saviours, evident as you slide into his car, yet again with no choice. It’s meant to be a short drive, considering the studio is barely ten minutes away from where you need to be, yet it feels like an impromptu road trip with the way the roads seem to stretch. 

It’s significantly less awkward than last night, perhaps owed to him not being as inclined to make conversation, unlike last night. 

By the time he’s pulling up, you already have your bag in hand, a thank you frozen on your tongue as you register who it is that’s standing outside the library. You groan internally as you see Nayeon waiting for you, immersed in something on her phone. Praying she stays occupied, you rush your, “thanks, I’ll see you tomorrow,” as you hope she doesn’t see you slip out of the familiar car. 

She does notice. Looking up at the sound of yout door opening, she catches clear sight of you stepping out of the car, Mingyu in the driver’s seat. You can tell she’s subdued her reaction, but the eyebrows gives her away as they shoot up at the sight. Trudging up to her is a nightmare and a half, dreading the questions she’s going to ask as you hear Mingyu rev away.

“Are my eyes deceiving me?” she breathes out, eyes wide, mouth open in jest. 

“Quit it, I have work to get done.” You choose to lead her straight into the library where you know she won’t be able to ask you any more probing questions.

That doesn’t seem to sedate her though as she continues to whisper a million questions, watching you pull your stuff out.

“I had a shoot with him today, he offered to drop me off and I couldn’t say no!”

“Oh my gosh!” she exclaims a little too loud, owing a couple nasty surrounding looks her way, including yours. She continues quieter, pulling your laptop away from you so you’d pay more attention to her. “How’d it go? Did you pose all sexy for him, did he look nervous?”

“I did not pose sexy, I posed normally, because I have a conscience,” you snap, yanking your laptop back from her grip. 

She’s smiling like an idiot, unaffected by your annoyance. “Is he gonna drop you off after every shoot? Oh my god! Don’t you dare get your car from the garage, give it to Seokmin, or, or, tell them to keep it!” 

“Nayeon, shush!” It’s your turn to whisper shout at her gradually increasing volume, pushing her to quit leaning over the desks. 

“Okay, okay.” She sobers up.

“I’m supposed to be getting over him, why are you so happy about this? Indifference, remember? It was you who brought it up.”

“Yes, but you can’t tell me it doesn’t look, I don’t know, like, you know!”

Once she’s a little less giddy, you finally tell her about last night – leaving out the bit where he droppped you home for the sake of the library and its inhabitants. 

“I mean, I know we aplogised and everything, but I felt a little less… on fire around him. Other than those stupid studio lights, those were turning the place into a sauna. But I could meet his eyes without hyperventilating,” you explain, eyes downcast as you speak. 

“I imagine his eyes were covered with that camera anyway, but progress, I guess,” Nayeon comments.

“Maybe I needed to get mad at him to feel better, I don’t know. But it feels like I’m making progress for the first time.” 

“I told you this would be good for you, give it a couple more weeks and it’ll be like Mingyu never happened.” 

It takes a conscious attempt to not scoff. Like Mingyu never happened to your heart. That’s a heart you can’t recognise. 

The first time Seokmin had brought girls over was a day you couldn’t forget, no matter how hard you tried. 

You were padding down to the kitchen, still bleary eyed and pyjama clad from your nap, making a beeline for the fridge to get a glass of water. Your trip is cut short, however, when you realised the living room was not as empty as you expected. It’s a crowd (to your eleven year old self, anyway) of people your brother’s age. You catch a couple familiar faces, friends of your brother who visited often, Mingyu is part of the lumps on the couch with them. 

What stumped you, however, were the girls that were seated in between, eyes equally trained on you as everyone else in the room. 

“Oh, who’s this Seok?” one of the girls asked. 

“My little sister. D’you wanna say hi?” he asked you, neck craned to look at you. 

“Uh. Hi,” you whisper, gulping. 

There’s a chorus of hi’s that came bounding at you. You could feel the embarrassment creep up your entire body, feeling conscious for the first time in your life. They were staring at you. They were smiling, but you hated it. 

You weren’t thinking as you turned around to sprint back upstairs, not missing the tinkle of laughs coming from the living room. 

“Oh, she’s cute,” you had heard. That had you nearly starting to cry. 

You’d be lying if you said your little crush on Mingyu hadn’t started blossoming for a while at that point. Being younger meant you were constantly fighting to be seen, even more so when you’d do anything for Mingyu to look at you. Hogging your brother’s bean bag until you were kicked out, putting sparkly clips in your hair before you went to the kitchen, laughing especially loud when you knew he could hear.

And yet, despite everything, for the very first time, you hated that Mingyu was looking at you, watching you idle and awkward while he sat next to a bunch of prettier, older girls. 

That night was of many firsts, including the first time you had ever cried over Mingyu.

Mingyu claimed this was the last shoot, that he’d be done after this final set of shots. 

You’re having a hard time though, because he’s decided his studio for the day was gonna be at the top of a mountain at the asscrack of dawn. 

“We have fifteen minutes,” he announces. 

“To live?” You heave, crouching on the gravel to give your body a break. 

“Till sunrise,” he interjects, reversing to get to your crouched figure. You feel him grab hold of the straps of your bag, swinging it over his own shoulder. “Come on, just a little more.”

“You’ve been saying that for an hour.” You groan, picking yourself up off the path to resume your trudging. Mingyu stays next to you this time. 

“Did you pack your entire house in here, the fuck is this so heavy for,” he grunts. 

“You're the one asking for a bajillion outfit changes, I’m just doing what you asked.” 

“One change of clothes and a compact doesn’t weigh this much, are you disposing a body up here?” 

“Might be yours if I don't see that damn railing in a minute.” 

“I think you're hungry,” he huffs out. 

“I think I need to never agree to do this again.” 

“Salavation!” he yelps as he sees a vending machine in the distance, quite literally glowing (with its fluorescent lights). 

“I don’t need a water bottle, Mingyu, I need to lie down.” Your voice grows more gruff by the minute, legs nearly giving away. 

“No, the vending machine means…” He bounds up the last couple leaps to the glowing box with a burst of motivation. The slope turns flat at the horizon. “We’re here.” 

Nearly falling to your knees at the sight of the long awaited arrival point, you drop to a nearby bench and lay flat on the stiff wood. 

“How long till I need to look presentable? Because if it’s anything under thirty minutes, I’m tapping out.” You declare. 

“I can give you five minutes, take it or leave it.” He barely sits down as he speaks while already unzipping his camera bag. The thought of lifting your arms is excruciating, so you rest your tongue and bite back a whine. 

By the time you do find it within yourself to swing your legs back over the bench, the sky is shifting to a smoky navy, urging you to hurry up as you dry your sweat. You’re cringing as you press powder on your unclean face, but power through the final touches as you stretch while standing up straight.  

The first rays of sunlight are just coming through as Mingyu calibrates his lenses, trying to figure out the best shots in the limited time frame you have. You listen to him as he directs you where he wants you, contorting your face into something akin to faux serene. It’s near impossible when the frown has molded itself into your face after what you’ve put your body through today. 

“Think happy thoughts.” Mingyu calls out from behind his camera. 

“Oh, I’m thinking real happy thoughts. Like the ice cold shower I’m about to take when I get home. My clean bed that’s gonna be nice to me when I lay in it. The leftover pasta in the fridge. My moonpies.”

He has to bring his face away from the camera to throw his head back in a breathy laugh, smile as wide as it could go. It does things to you, but you ignore it. 

The summit isn’t entirely empty, noting a few people leaning against the railings, rendering it mostly quiet. All the more jarring becomes Mingyu’s phone as it blares into the silence, causing the both of you to jump at the sudden sound. 

He checks the caller ID only to silence it and slip it back into his pocket. 

You don’t get to ask who it was calling him so early in the morning, but get your answer when he immediately announces he’s done with his shots. The sun is higher up at this point, casting a more even orange glow across all the eye could see. 

You suppose he’s in a hurry to get home, seeing as he has someone waiting on him. “Should we leave then?” 

He swings the camera strap around his neck, forearms on the railing as he admires the view. “Give it a couple more minutes, I need to mentally prepare myself for the next hour.” 

It’s hard for you to deny that, so you let yourself place your head into your crossed arms over the railing, staring into the glow. It’s silent for a while as the rays hit your face, warming you more than you’d like. You don’t make any effort to move though, deciding to appreciate the view while it was here, doubting you’d ever make the trek up here again. Not willingly, at least. 

There’s a camera shutter that goes off next to you and you find Mingyu fidgeting with his camera as he tries to begin packing it up. You would help, but you’ve found yourself refraining from touching anything when it comes to his actual camera setup, opting to watch as he disassembles his lenses and pushes buttons to power off. 

By the time you're trudging down the path you’d come up from, it’s bright and sunny, rendering it warmer than before. Going down, however, is proving easier as you appreciate the reduced strain in your calves, letting the recent conversation take you to a smoother route. 

“When d’you think your gonna be done editing?” You ask at some point, the thought occurring to you that you’d only seen a couple pictures that he’d taken so far, oweing to his disapproval showing you all the raws before editing. 

“Kinda have to get them edited and annotated by the due date, so probably by the end of the month.” 

“D’you think I could get the ones you edit?” 

“Why? D’you wanna kickstart a portfolio?” he muses.

“I think it’s normal to ask for my pictures you took of me,” you grunt.

He laughs it off. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll send them over.” 

Mingyu doesn’t drop you off home this time, both of you slipping into your own cars at the base of the hiking trail, bidding your goodbyes. You’d gotten an earful from Nayeon for getting your car back from the garage so quickly, and while sitting in a car with him wasn’t so bad anymore, you choose to retain that distance regardless. This was work, You’re doing this because you have to, and the stupid extra credit that roped you into this in the first place.

Alas, as you start your engine, eyes cast towards Mingyu’s number plate right up front, you can’t help but feel…sad… remembering this was your last shoot. As emotionally vexing the experience was, you had grown to look forward to his discreet location pins and outfit plans, growing more comfortable with him by the meeting. 

It almost felt like you and Mingyu were friends. 

Your brother’s graduation was an ordeal to say the least. Your parents flying in was a plus, getting to see them at least once for the summer, even if it was just for the day. 

The night is wrapped up fairly quickly, a big dinner with yours and Mingyu’s family to congratulate the freed graduates from their academic shackles. It dials back when Mingyu announces he’s gonna take a summer course for now to keep himself busy, wanting to wait a little before job hunting. Seokmin seems to express the same, wanting some time off for himself before entering the corporate world.

It’s when you get home and your brother is sending you all the pictures of today that you note one that stands out. It was of you and Mingyu, an inevitable one as your parents took turns to make sure everybody got solo shots with everyone.

You’d applaud the enthusiasm, but it was particularly unfortunate for you when the camera was thrust into your hands as Mingyu and Jia posed for nearly fifty pictures. You wouldn’t mind usually, but it just felt like a little too much in the moment.

Despite everything, you find yourself clicking on the Save button on the picture where you’re smiling a little too wide right next to him, for the sake of yourself.

Summer break rolls around with no more hiccups, if you’d count finals as anything other than strenuous. You were happy, with a new job to keep you company for the next three months as you lament not being able to go home. 

Getting the job at the bookstore was easy, your shifts were reasonable and it didn’t pay half bad. You would’ve guessed they were desperate for a hire, but you appreciate the activity regardless. It’s not really hard work, you find out quickly. Manning the desk, shelving deposits and restocking supplies. Monotonous tasks yet ones that you find yourself slipping into quite easily.

After the last shoot at the mountain, it was basically radio silence from Mingyu. Not being able to catch him the rare chance he stopped by the house, both of you swamped with the end of semester throw up. You doubt he’d noticed, and you despair at the fact that you did, even if it was just a little. 

“Oh, great, you’re here!” The owner greets you as you walk into the store, all smiles. She was a sweet lady, nicer than any other boss you’d ever had. “Was just waiting for you so I could leave, my daughter has a play she’s putting on today!” 

“Oh, sorry to keep you!” You rush to set your bag down as she picks up her own things, coming around from the table to take her leave. “Hope the recital goes well, tell her I said good luck.”

“Will do.” She smiles before adding, “Oh and, somebody called an hour ago asking about our book bundles, he said he’d come in to check but he hasn’t yet. Thought I’d let you know in case he asks about the phone call.”

“Got it,” you confirm, waving as she walks out the door, “I’ll see you tomorrow!” 

Breathing out a sigh, you find yourself relatively free this afternoon, a slow weekday as you pick your current read out of your bag to get comfortable for the long shift. You’re nearly through the halfway point when you hear the first jingle of the day, the bells attached to the door making their familiar chime

“Good afternoon!” You look up to greet the customer, dog earring your book before standing up from your seat.

The person who’d walked in wasn’t just any customer, you soon realise as you recognise the familiar shag of hair. Mingyu was here. 

“Oh.” You can’t help but let it out when you register him, his own eyebrows shooting up at the sight of you behind the counter. Your next greeting comes out a little dumbly. “Hi.”

“Hey. What’re you doing here?” he asks, eyebrows furrowed as he takes you in. 

“Um,” you glance at your obvious name tag. “I work here.” 

“Oh, right, Seok mentioned you started working at a bookstore.” He throws his head back at the memory. “Hey, was it you over the phone earlier today? Didn’t sound like it.”

“Oh no, that was my boss, my shift started like an hour ago.” You confirm. 

“Ah, I see.” 

The silence is awkward for about five seconds before you jump into action. “You asked about a bundle over the phone?” 

“Right, um,” he pauses to fish his phone out his pocket, scrolling for something. “It’s Jia’s birthday coming up, and there’s this book series she’s been wanting. Here.”

You need to remind yourself to pat yourself on the back for not shaking as you received his phone, mind remaining in the moment. “Oh yeah, we have those. Let me grab ‘em for you.” 

He follows you through the columns of shelves as you navigate to find what he was looking for, stopping in front of the shelves. “There’s three of these, I can put them in a sleeve for you. Probably put a bow on it too if you want.” 

“Okay, perfect. Do you guys have LP’s too?” he asks.

“Uh, yeah. Hold on, let me put these up front.” 

You lead him to the back of the store. “The selection’s pretty small, the first shipment only came in like a month ago. I’m not sure if you’ll find what you want here.” 

“She’s been talking about getting more LP’s after she got a new record player. Hasn’t mentioned anything she wants though,” he voices, thumbing through the selection. 

“What does she listen to normally?” You ask before quickly adding, “So I can, maybe, help pick something she’d like.”

“Uh, older stuff? I should’ve snooped before coming, fuck.” He mumbles, thinking hard. “She barely plays it when I’m around but most of her LP’s are like Frank Sinatra and…Duran Duran was it?”  

“Hm…” You hum as you flick through the dated section of the stockpile, “How’s this?’

He’s taking a look at the record you’ve handed him, scanning the tracklists on the back. “I’ll get this, I guess. I can always bring her around to get more that she likes.” 

“D’you want a bow on this?” You ask, referring to the books you’re putting into the set sleeve, “You can pick your colour.”

He’s quick to pick the lilac ribbon, watching you as you tape it prettily on the box. You’re trying to curl the ribbon at the ends when he tries to make conversation. 

“When does your shift end?” 

If the man wasn’t quite literally buying a birthday present for his girlfriend (or if you had any memory of your own birthday), you’d think he was trying to hit on you. But he’s not. You know that. 

“Ten-ish. Closing’s on me so I could technically leave an hour early and no one would know.” You snort.

“Everyday?” he asks incredulously. 

“Minus weekends, the family takes care of that. They just need someone for afternoons and evenings on the weekdays. It’s not like I’m taking summer classes or anything, and it’s easy work.” 

“Well, you’ll be pleased to find out you’ll most likely be available on the 27th of August, then.” He sing songs as he fishes his phone out to pay, a cheeky air in his expression.

You blink at him in confusion, waiting for him to explain. “Was I supposed to get that?”

He pushes his shoulders back, content expression on his face as he continues. “There’s a cultural art exhibition in two months, and I, have just found out I’ve been shortlisted for a spot.” 

“A spot? Like to display your photos?!” You drop the card machine with a thud.

“Your photos. Prof liked the project so much she submitted some of ‘em as entries. It was super short notice, but they liked them, I guess.” His grin is wide, one that you find impossible to not reciprocate. “I just need you to sign a consent form and I’ll be all set to start prepping.” 

“That’s insane, Mingyu, congratulations!” You exclaim, genuinely excited. “Are you gonna be using the same pictures?”

“Yup, I just need to fix the editing with my prof before they go up. You’re the first to find out, I just got out of the meeting.” 

There’s a mix of hesitation before you utter your next proposal, a split second of bewilderment at what you were about to suggest. “Come over tonight, we can celebrate with Seok. Bring Jia along too, we can celebrate an early birthday.” 

“I’ll see, she might be taking a bus home tonight for the weekend, might have to bother you by myself.”

The ache in your cheeks didn’t stop until well after Mingyu had left with his cargo, the elated feeling remaining for even longer after the fact. There was a point where it took you convincing to rid yourself of another intrusive, uneasy feeling, like you were taking a step back by being happy at his announcement. 

It was, however, safe to call Mingyu a friend. Safe to be happy for him. Safe to have your heart swell at his achievement, having watched him work hard for it.

It was safe to feel.

This was horrible. 

Truly. 

You were trying to ignore it, the strange thumping noises coming from under your car, like it would go away if you pretended to not hear. There was a sliver of hope for you, barely five minutes away from home that you’d make it before your tire decided it had enough of trying to grab your attention. 

But then it started screeching, and you had to stop before you caused a road fire.

“Tire? Didn’t you get them changed like last month?” Seokmin asks over the phone.

“Didn’t know new tires were immune to industrial blades, too. Are you gonna tell me I got ripped off?” 

“Mingyu has a scissor jack, I’ll tell him to come to you.”

“Wait! You have a scissor jack, too! Why can’t you come?” You sputter at the sound, glancing at the 21:42 on the dial. 

“He has my scissor jack, he’ll change it for you.” He grits back. “Besides, I’m not letting this face pack go to waste I just put it on.” 

“Seok!” 

“Stay in the car, lock the doors till he gets there.” He grounds.

“Seokmin!” 

Beep. 

The bastard hung up. 

“Ugh!” you break from a tightened jaw, slamming the car door shut with passion as you huff into your seat, waiting for Mingyu. 

Was Mingyu busy at 10:30 PM on a weekday? He was, actually.

He’d scrambled to finish up the last of his meeting with his professor, wrapped up in planning for the exhibition despite the two month time frame he’d been given. Exhibitions were a lot of paperwork, as he was finding out as he sweet talks Jia over the phone, promising to be with her within the next five minutes. Well, ten maybe, he has to grab butter from the store.

She sits on the kitchen counter as Mingyu makes her favourite. A strenuous task, but he’s willing to go through the double frying to make up for the time he’s lost. It’s not until he’s doing the post dinner dishes while Jia’s picking a movie in the living room that he’s met with another dilemma to handle. 

He’s deflating as he stands, phone to ear as he listens to Seokmin about your situation. Glancing at the near 10:30 PM hand on the clock, he finds it difficult to refuse, especially when he’s told you’re alone and stranded on a highway. He thinks to Jia in the living room as he tells Seokmin he’s leaving the house to get to you.

He’d only be gone for barely 20 minutes. He’s changed plenty of tires, this should be quick and easy. 

Slipping into the living room is easy, wrapping his arms around Jia from behind is even easier. It’s when he has to open his mouth that he begins to falter. Twenty minutes, he reminds himself.

“I have two I’ve heard are really good, you can pick which one we watch first,” she voices as she fluffs the pillows on the couch, ready to tuck in for the rest of the night. 

“Babe?” 

She spins around in his arms, coming up to fluff his flat hair too. “Hm?” 

“Seok just called…”

Her face falls as he talks despite his best attempts to assure her he won’t be long. 

“Twenty minutes?” she parrots, wanting his word. 

“Fifteen.” 

Whether Mingyu would keep his word is something he’d find out, but you had kept your word to Seokmin, staying in the car, doors locked till you saw Mingyu’s car pull up behind you in the rearview. The wretched scissor jack that’s caused all of this sits in his own boot as he yanks it out to bring it over to your car, where you stand arms crossed, face dejected. 

“Were you waiting long?” He asks as he immediately crouches to fit the jack where he wants it. 

“No, not really,” you reply. “I’m sorry you had to come all the way out here, if only Seok remembered to take the stupid scissor jack–”

“No, no, it’s okay. I wasn’t doing anything.” Lies. But you already sounded apologetic and he didn’t wanna hear you apologize any further.  

“No, it’s not okay. The idiot’s relaxing with a stupid face mask on while you have to come out here and change a fucking tire, God, you have class tomorrow too, don’t you?” 

“Not until the afternoon, I’m in the clear.” He springs up from his crouched position, pulling the jack with him. “Open the boot.” 

Placing the scissor jack in your boot, he continues, a little breathless. “There, I’ll tell Seokmin I left it in your car. Or, you could do that.” 

“Thanks, Mingyu. Really.” 

He does nothing but flash a smile, doing his best to convince you you weren’t an inconvenience before having to see your apologetic face again. “Alright, I wanna see you drive off before I leave, go on.” 

By the time Mingyu’s slamming the door of the house shut, it’s eighteen minutes on the dot. Jia doesn’t say much, excited to have him back in her arms. 

“Wait!” he suddenly yelps, once he’s tucked in with her. 

“What now?” she groans. 

Mingyu’s bounding back to his bedroom, emerging a few moments later with a dark paper bag. He goes back to sit next to her on the couch, sliding the bag and its contents towards her.

“Here. We’re not gonna be together for your birthday, might as well give you your present the night before you leave.” His eyes are glinting, hopeful.

Jia expresses her thank you’s commenting on the ribbon and his LP choice, grinning widely.

Your name comes tumbling out of Mingyu’s mouth before he can stop himself. “She helped me pick it out!” 

“You…took her with you?” She asks after a moment.

“She worked at the store! I didn’t know till I went there either.” Mingyu’s voice grows increasingly enthusiastic, seemingly unaware that his girlfriend was growing slightly irritated. “I’ll take you there when you get back, the selection’s small but she’ll probably help you pick out something you’d like. I only had to give her like two names before she figured it out.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” she comments, tight smile on her lips as she collects the book sleeve and the LP, placing them back into the bag and leaving them on the floor next to her.

Mingyu is blissfully unaware of the fuel he’s added to growing embers, munching away on his popcorn, eyes trained on the TV and its stimulating colours. 

“I was talking to Jihyo the other day, super random but it came up while we were talking about you,” Jia starts experimentally. 

“Huh?” He has her attention. And when she mentions your name, the part of him that’s always wondered when she’d bring it up comes out of dormancy. 

“She said she…I don’t know, she said she liked you at some point, Like a lot, and for a while.” Jia sounds unsure, like she didn’t know if it was a good idea to bring you up. 

Mingyu sighs as he rears himself for the inevitable conversation. “It’s—well, it was—just puppy love. I was around all the time and I guess she latched, I don’t know.”

Jia pauses, eyes remanging trained on the movie. “Does it make you uncomfy? That she liked you? Maybe she still does.” 

“It doesn’t matter, does it? I’m around Seok which means I’m sometimes around her by default. Can’t help it. I mean, the photography thing kinda just happened but, I don’t really care. And she seems over it.” 

Mingyu is rambling. He can feel it. Which is why he tries to end the conversation right there, tone nonchalant as he hopes the topic breezes past. 

It doesn’t. 

“You seemed pretty adamant in leaving, though.”

“Huh?”

“When she called just now.”

“Seok called, I had his scissor jack!”

“Why couldn’t he have grabbed it for you and helped his sister himself? He has a car too.”  Jia’s paused the movie at this point, moving away from his arm she was leaning on, shifting to look at him fully. 

“It would’ve taken him forever, she was alone in the middle of a highway at nearly eleven, you wanted me to leave her there?” Mingyu finds the conversation ridiculous, and it shows in the irritation that rises in his own voice. 

“Mingyu, you can’t be upset with me right now,” she breathes out exasperated. 

“I’m not? I get that you’re upset, I haven’t been around as much but you also know what this exhibition means to me. I need to put everything I have into this and it’s only for a couple months–”

“Mingyu, it’s not just the exhibition!” 

“Jia, I can’t know if you don’t tell me what’s really bothering you, talk to me.” Mingyu’s begging at this point, wondering how it’s come to this in the first place. 

“You can’t expect me to be okay with you going around wherever, whenever, when I know what kind of lifestyle you’ve come out of not even six months ago!” 

Mingyu had come a long way from his galvanizing tendencies, doing absolutely everything he could to convince Jia he was serious about her. Unfortunately, this was not the first time his past had been brought up; in an argument or in a light hearted setting, and he wasn’t particularly fond of it. 

“Are we in six months ago? Are you saying I’ve done nothing substantial for you to think I’m still fucking around? Either give me an instance or figure out what the real issue is!” 

There’s a plaster of suffocation in the room, neither soul speaking a word. Until Jia finally speaks. “I wanna go home.”

It didn’t matter to Mingyu if she was expecting him to grovel, to ask her to stay and talk about this further. It was clear she wasn’t about to talk about anything pertinent at all, and definitely not tonight. He was tired, and frankly wanted to be alone right now.

“Fine.” 

Silence penetrates all of his air for the entire car ride up until he’s entering his apartment for the third time that day. Not bothering to clean up the living room, he thinks he does himself a service so as to not be reminded of the past couple hours. He’s casting the place in complete darkness before moving to his room. Might as well get some work done. 

There’s a conscious effort to not start slamming things, he succeeds mostly, his graphic tablet receiving the short end of the stick. Turning on his monitor, he’s met with his ongoing project still brought up on the screen.

It’s a picture of you. One he took in a greenhouse off the outskirts of the city, something you complained about extensively as the heat ruined both your mood and your hair. You were smiling regardless; a wide, happy smile as you looked into the camera, petunia’s and dahlia’s framing an illusion around your figure.

Mingyu feels the tension in his muscles begin to relax, his breathing evening out after what felt like hours. He becomes almost excited to pick up his stylus and work on the photo, the set up allowing him to dive right in. There was barely any work left, moving on as he finishes the photo and saves it. 

It isn’t until he happens to click on the the last folder, the one where you both caught the sunrise after a strenuous hike. He can’t help but break into a hint of a smile at the memory of your broken figure at the pathway, cursing him for bringing you here so early in the morning. The pictures had come out good, especially when Mingyu opens a particular photo at the bottom of the folder, an extra from his initial round of editing for his actual project. 

It’s of you (of course) with your chin tucked into your arms as you gaze at the scene from up above, beyond the railing. The sun is up higher at that point, but the cast remains as the top half of your face that wasn’t tucked in your arms is lit in an orange glow, eyes glistening like stars during the day, wide and beautiful. 

Mingyu remembers the shot. It was an accident.

In an attempt to fiddle with the settings to turn off the camera, he ended up snapping a picture instead. The distinct click was noticed, never bothering to check what came out of it when he stuffed his camera back into his bag, nor when he sifted through his SD card. 

It was like he was seeing the picture in a new light, and the potential it had to become something worth ogling at. He wonders what had come over him when he had placed the photo as a secondary option without another thought, lamenting at what could’ve been his actual final piece. 

He stares and stares, attempting to draw maps of color rendering in his mind, yet all that comes up is his eyes zeroing in on your own. How they glisten. How they sparkle.

Part 2

[ourlittlesecfret]

Sub Or Top ( SVT VERSION — • NOT BetaRead )

Scoups — Easily a flat out DOMINANT Top.

There’s no way he’s a sub in any way . This man will Kill for any sort of control on you . He loves ruining You methinks 🌹loves pushing you to your limits , sometimes even cares for his pleasure only . Stopping when he wants , leaving you as the mess you are and flat out enjoying it .. How evil! Talks a big game for a reason . Will prove his point on how you won’t get his touch out of your head by putting you into pieces in bed . In public , anywhere .. This Man does not care . If he’s next to you , best believe he will crush any sort of sanity you have . teasing you on how random people are hearing you / will start to hear you . Vocally being gentle with reminders of how people are catching onto your nonstop shaking or whines / whimpers , but it doesn’t mean he cares . If anything His cruel plan is to make you get worse . Make you embarrass yourself for his pleasure while he has the slightest grin on his face . A Freak monster when it comes to anything in public i fear . Same goes for when you two are alone , in bed , in the couch , in the kitchen . He will have you in half in any / every way , occupying your body with his own anyway he can . Even if it gets too much for you , he will stop on his own time . 1-3 rounds are not enough for him Btw .

Jeonghan — A Switch .

Pathetic boy regardless of his position , so so new to having any sort of control on others or someone having control on him . Service top might suit him more when you two are in bed , always making sure you’re enjoying it ( more than he is ) as he’s new to all of this . Such an innocent boy with the fuzziest mind , full of nothing but the worst of the literal worst . The most vocal person in bed , always distracting you with his own whimpers and groans . Overworking himself as if he enjoys it at this point since it happens quite often .

Joshua — A Bottom i fear , depending on how he feels but he still aims for the most control and power against you in any way he can . If he’s thoughtful enough , he’ll be soft and not push you to your limit . But if he’s mad or just plain stubborn and upset , be sorry for yourself and whatever you’re getting into. No longer focusing on your needs …

Jun — A Switch . Either the softest man in bed , probably the softest you’ll ever meet in bed . Just taking his time with you . Praising you at every opportunity he has , this man has nothing but love for you . Subby jun … Not a Rare occurrence but the second this man is in subspace ,you’ll think he has no control of his own body . Desperate for you and any bit of your touch .. Edge him till he Breaks .😵‍💫

Hoshi — A Bottom . Seems like those people who try to put up a fight before they get into bed , the casual Game talker . Bragging about how people would want to sleep with him , high ego for no reason . But the second he’s in the room with you , he’s a complete different person . He will have his moments of trying to deny your touch / control , putting up a useless fight of how he can overpower you just to end up putting all his force in gripping some bedsheets because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut . What a shame.

Wonwoo — Top. Everyone should know this . This man seems like he means what he says , if he’s going in full detail of how he’ll tear you in half when you act up or give him unnecessary attitude .. the second you two step in bed he will prove his own points . Wonwoo will love to watch you cry , watch how you take him so easily when your fighting with yourself on why would you ever disrespect him after knowing how crazy he gets with the slightest bit of disrespect . Nonetheless , you take what he gives you like your life depends on it , but somehow you’re always begging and wanting more . Which He tends to really enjoy! but not one gentle bone in his body . he will make you work for it .

Woozi — Surprisingly a Top . A Man of his word , a man of his power . If you’re acting up the slightest bit or just not cooperating with him the way he wants you to , he won’t be afraid to put you in your place . Whether if that means nonstop teasing that doesn’t end till you’ve said sorry about 127 times , or something with you having to work to get what you need the most from him … Working with your mouth . Giving him a bj that he’s afraid to admit that he’ll never forget about , possibly forgetting about all the wrongdoings you’ve done ..Only if that was that easy with him and didn’t end up with him having some sort of physical restraint on you while he’s not giving you a break so you know what you should never do again.

The8/Minghao — A Top. This man is probably on the edge of being rough as wonwoo & scoups . A Control freak , who knows how to use whatever inch of control he gains against you and your trembling body . The type of man that would tease you on how you acted in bed when you’re out doing god knows what with your friends , loving how fast you are to deny such things just for you to prove his point on how you talk a big game for no reason the second you guys hit the bedroom . He’ll push on your stomach while being deep in you , seeing and feeling the outline he creates while you can’t even get the picture outside of your head .. almost forgetting how you two even got here till he goes on a little speech of how you should never lie to your friends about how you are with him between each thrust that pushes you over your limit more and more . Of course minghao does not care a single bit . Pray that you’ll at least able to get out bed after that .

Mingyu — A Top . A top that leans more to the softer vanilla type of action than the rough type . Loving how fast you are to fumble your words and actions while he gives you the best praise you’ll ever hear , even when you guys aren’t home or in bed . Dates will be full of him slightly teasing you , rubbing up on you with his hands scanning your body knowing that the waiters will probably come by any second . But that doesn’t always make him stop . Yes he’s gentle , but that doesn’t mean he’s scared of a little reaction by people he probably won’t see again . You’ll have to scoot to the other chair / other side of the table in order to get him to stop … for the sake of how the workers will view you both and the sake of your body . Not wanting to leave any trace of what you two have been doing after you leave . That man for sure knows how to use his fingers . But when you both are home , he always tries to see the outline of him being deep in you from your stomach … Probably going on the talks of how he’ll put a baby in you and you both will be the cutest parents . The longer he’s in you , the more crazier he gets about you .. Which can make him lean into the more rough dom side . Belittling you for not being able to take his 5th round , calling you pathetic and other names for not being able to finish something you personally wanted .

DK — a Bottom i Fear. He’s not like jeonghan though , he knows what to do with his position and little power he tends to have . But this man loves to put up a little fight with you , regardless of where you two are at . If he’s ever discussing how you two are i bed with friends and you’re nearby , he’ll always try to get you riled up .. teasing you from afar of how you always end up giving him what he wants because he’s suddenly the one who controls the bedroom .. Oh how fast that changes . The next chance you both get alone will end up with him not being able to even say his own name , his body being overwhelmed and nothing but whines and cries leaving his mouth .. Mumbled yet bratty “ i’m still not sorry ,, will leave his mouth like no tomorrow . Trying to keep a fight going as if he enjoys not being able to think straight without his eyes tracking down every inch of your body that’s on top of his .. breathing heavily , sounds like he’s about to pass out whenever he has a feeling you both will go on for another round . Poor boy , losing useless tears and whines left and right ):

Seungkwan — A bottom . Kwan slightly leans more to the power bottom acts , loves to see people work for him and work to please him . Even if the act doesn’t stay up for long , he’ll take any power advantage he can get . But when he’s a simple pathetic sub , he doesn’t even have the courage to go talk about your guys bedroom life , knowing his place in your eyes . Wanting to be the best for you . But whenever he catches you just bringing up something as little as his unnecessary attitude he sometimes has in bed , his face will be redder than ever and his hands are on the edge of ripping off his body from how much he’s trembling and trying to distract you by holding onto your body tightly .. wanting to fix your attention back to him so you don’t have to keep going with your guys secrets .

Vernon — A TOP . Something about him tells me he’s those innocent looking guys who are actually insane when it comes to sex … call him a perv if you will from how much he drives you to somnophilia after the craziest marathon sex to the point you had to knock out after being more than fullll of his loads while he just watches you with lusted eyes and a slight smirk . Having so much energy left in him after bending your body in half against his own , having your legs go over his shoulders just to give him more space to get deeper and DEEPER in you . Hearing you struggle to take him is like music to him , he loves it . Don’t think he’s quiet in bed . If he isn’t grunting from how much you wrapped yourself around him , he’ll probably be going on about something that follows along the lines of “ you’re taking me so well .. ” “ want me to stop but your body’s telling me otherwise .” “ this what you wanted , now take it whore .” “ if you’re this tight while you’re just sleeping, i wouldn’t be surprised if you had other people break into you before me.” “ such a pathetic toy for me to use .”

Dino — Top . Just because he’s the youngest doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to gain control of whatever goes down when you’re together . The second he’s next to you , he does not know how to control himself a single bit . Always wanting to feel up on you , fighting the urge to put his hands into ( you ) work while you both are just having a dinner date , not wanting to end up letting other people hear and see you become a mess . That’s for his eyes only . This man can tease , loves to tease even! but only in bed . Your tears and whines are meant for him and him only .. for a reason . The second he catches a tear slipping down your redden face prepare for him to go on how pathetic you are when you both barely started whatever he has planned for you . When you try to fight him away , all he has to do is grab on your waist for a bit for you to fall back onto the bed , your whole body trembling and failing to stay still while he plays with you while being deep in you .. as if this is all just a game to him . Your words mean nothing to him .. You both will stop on his own time .

[inbabylontheywept]

Is your url based on the song Babylon canon?? I recently found the song through a camp that I’m doing and it’s absolutely beautiful :)

Kinda. My URL is based Psalms 137, which the Babylon Canon is quoting. When I first chose this username, I wasn't planning on that account being for writing - I was using it to access the exmormon subreddit. I eventually burned out on them because they were so, so bitter, and I just... I wasn't. I was sad. I would describe myself as very religious, but not at all spiritual. I loved my friends, I loved the ward, I loved all the insane bullshit that happened in scouts, I loved that there were grown men who had busy lives and kids of their own that worked together to give me adventures in my childhood. I talk about the disasters because they're memorable, but these were not incompetent people. For every disaster there were 10 things that just went great.

I wasn't angry. The worst thing they did was hurt people near me, and when people you love do bad things to other people you love, it's just miserable. I wish they'd treated all of my people as good as they treated me. They loved the house, but not its crows.

Anyway, I chose that Psalm for a handful of reasons.

It's a homesick song. And after leaving, I felt homesick. I sat down by the river and I hung my harp on the poplars, and I wept when I remembered Zion.

I know this is incredibly dorky - but the only piece of media I ever found as a Mormon boy that took the religion seriously was Fallout New Vegas. They weren't a punchline in that game. They wrote Mormons that had deep regrets and complicated pasts, who had lived through and did terrible things, and I loved them for it. The most well executed example of this was a character named Joshua Graham, and he spits Pslams 137 at you in a key moment, and changed my brain chemistry. Watch this if you want to get a sense of the character. Or this. Either works.

I had a really, really, crazy seminary teacher. I've got two stories (story 1, story 2) about him, but frankly, I could write like, ten. He talked about Psalms 137 a lot. He had a very strong belief in God's willingness to inflict a terrible vengeance, but he also had like, beliefs on what it took for that vengeance to be invoked. One of the most interesting people I've met in my entire life, and deeply thus deeply entwined with my relationship with Mormonism.

Good question, and well asked! I've had some people just jump into thinking I'm a Zionist. I'm not.

[femdomlieeh]

Wearing a skirt for you pt. 1 (m)

Sub!Seventeen (hyung line) x Dom!GF!Reader

WARNINGS—boys wearing skirts/dresses ✧ dom/sub dynamics ✧ praise ✧ degradation ✧ name-calling ✧ pet names (master, mistress, mommy, baby boy, kitten/kitty, prince/princess)

NOW PLAYING—Bounce Back ✧ Little Mix

SCENARIO—GF asks them if they can wear/try on a skirt

A/N. Thank you for 1500 followers<333333

Maknae line ver.

M.LISTS—random idols ✧ latest updates ✧ read on wp

All rights reserved © femdomlieeh

✧ ੈ ✧ ‧₊˚ * ੈ ✧‧₊˚＊* ੈ ✧ ‧₊˚ * ੈ ✧‧₊˚＊* ✧ ੈ ✧

최승철 / S.Coups / seungcheol

The thing is he is open to trying any fantasy his partner might have so even if this isn't something he would bring up to you, he would totally try on a skirt or dress for you if you asked him to. That being said, he will still be a bit shy and insecure at this first experience so he would need lots of praise and reassurance to feel comfortable and have the confidence to put on a skirt/dress in the future.

"Uhm, are you sure?" he stuttered after you showed him a skirt you'd bought for him.

You answered yes.

"O-Okay," he flushed and took the garment in his hand.

He'll wear it occasionally if you ask him to do it (only if the first time went well) but he'll never initiate it. It just isn't his thing. But if he were desperate for your attention anything is possible.

...✧...✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧

윤정한 / jeonghan

Jeonghan wouldn't question it at all when you brought up how you wanted to see him in a skirt/dress. Honestly he lives to please you. When you're pleased he's pleased. He'd not care that it isn't socially acceptable because he never really cared for norms or gender stereotypes anyway. Please call him your cute Prince or else he'll feel self-counscious every time he wears a skirt/dress.

"Of course, Mommy," he answered your question and let you put it on him — he liked the attention, the touching and letting you take off and put on his clothes like he was your doll.

He did a little twirl and asked with his sweet voice "Do I look cute, Mommy?"

In the future, he'll have a big collection of different styles of skirts — and he loves matching them with thigh highs. He loves feeling pretty and he loves being called pretty.

✧...✧...✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧

홍지수 / joshua / josh

Joshua wouldn't believe his ears when he heard your request... He'd love it and immediately put on the skirt/dress with no problem whatsoever — he'd be pretty educated on anything about boys in skirts but don't ask him about it. Prepare your camera, he'd love to have his photo taken. Especially on a polaroid camera, so you can save the pictures in a filthy photo album.

"I look pretty, right?" he spread his legs a little, leaning forward with his arms in the middle as a pose for the picture.

"So pretty, Princess," you said as you photographed him.

He smiled and posed some more.

In the future he'll go further with it, surprising you every now and then with thigh-high socks or stockings and who knows what more. If you don't know what to buy for him as a gift, go for a blush colored little skirt.

✧✧...✧...✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧

文俊辉 / jun

Total brat. Jun would make a big deal out of it just to get on your nerves. This was a fun game to him. He'd say something just to piss you off so you could punish him.

"Hmm no, Mistress. That's just stupid."

You slapped his thigh.

Suddenly he listened to you and did what you told him.

"I look better than you in this, Mistress," he smirked.

He'll use it as a way to effectively receive punishments. In fact, he might even send you a pic in a short skirt when you're at work or hanging out with friends, just to tease you so you could give him pain in the night.

✧✧✧...✧...✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧

권순영 / hoshi / soonyoung

He would do anything for his Mommy. He's such a good boy for you! Being an angel for you was always one of his main priorities but he also liked being a demon every now and then. With a blush he would put on the skirt and crop top you'd bought for him in front of you just to tease you. Your eyes on him would turn him on.

"Are you trying to seduce me?" you asked as you looked him up and down.

"Is it working, Mommy?" he straddled you to make the skirt/dress rise up his naked legs.

This will be something he'll use as a tool to make you drool, surprising you in a skirt and crop top on special occasions.

✧✧✧✧...✧...✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧

전운우 / wonwoo

He would be a brat about it at first but he'd put on a skirt/dress for you in the end — fuck, he'd even put on a Shrek costume if you asked him. He'd act like he totally didn't like the way the skirt made his legs look and would whimper-complain like a bitch about wearing a skirt/dress, but he also wants to keep the skirt on while you fuck him so.

"Pfft."

You spanked his ass.

Hard.

"Okay," he stripped in a second in front of you shamelessly.

"Can you put it on for me, Master, please?" he asked in a low voice and looked you in the eyes innocently.

He wasn't innocent.

Skirts will be his favorite over dresses because then you could both fuck him and play with his nipples at the same time! But he won't tell you that unless you break him down into tears and whimpers.

✧✧✧✧✧...✧...✧✧✧✧✧✧✧

이지훈 / woozi / jihoon

He would protest at first. No, he was already small and played around with — a lot at that — and that was enough. However, if you were to say he'd get a reward for just putting on a skirt/dress he wouldn't hesitate to do it.

"No, I won't do it!" he pouted.

"Not even for a reward?" you asked, as you knew his weakness.

His ears perked up, "What kind of reward are we talking about?"

"Whatever reward you want, Baby."

He'll do whatever you want if he gets rewarded. So make sure to reward him really well and he will dress up for you more often.

✧✧✧✧✧✧...✧...✧✧✧✧✧✧

❝ Baby, keep me wetter than a bayou (Bayou)

If you don't, I'ma walk right by you ❞

—Leigh-Anne Pinnock; 2019

[avianyuh]

Yoon Jeonghan as a boyfriend

-

word count; 679

idk if it's because I've been watching a lot of svt content lately

(btw stream god of music)

but Jeonghan has been getting my attention lately so I thought this would be a fun write

first of all he's RUTHLESS

like you're not safe

he'd put you in your place if you said something dumb or tried to leave the house looking all weird

but you know, it's out of love

I think he's also a huge softie, which is shown in his friendships with the members

speaking of the members...

if you didn't get along with the members then...

bye bitch

I think he'd introduce you to Seungcheol and Joshua first

#95z

but for multiple reasons

#1; jeongcheol obvi. they're really close and I think Cheol's approval means a lot to him when it comes to letting someone in

#2; Jeonghan and Shua have known each other for a veryyyyy long time. I think those two were close to each other before anyone else because they had joined the company at the same time

So I think Jeonghan would really appreciate Joshua get to know you

#3; Seungcheol is great with vibe checks lol. Jeonghan probably wants a second opinion

#4;Jeonghan would probably just want you to be closer with Coups and Shua tbh (early on)

but he really wants you to get along with alllll of the members

they mean the world to him and he'd really make the effort to get all of you acquainted and friendly

I'm not saying you have to be besties with the boys (especially cuz there's 12 of them not including han)

but like, if one of the members is at home and doing nothing and you and Jeonghan are going out for the night

Jeonghan would invite his members along unless it was a really special date

it would mean a lot to Jeonghan if you were cool about that kind of stuff because he cares for you but he also really cares for his members

ANYWAYS

he's kind of a homebody

so you spend a lot of time inside

probably build Lego sets together

and when he goes on tour you take care of his pet rock

yes...that's a real thing he has, his name is Doljjong and he likes warm bathes

no seriously

Jeonghan is probably the best thing in your life if you're dating him

I think he'd be protective over you

He'd also probably enjoy taking care of you

making sure you're eating enough and checking in as frequently as he can if he's away

though he teases you a lot, I think he'd tell you he loves you alllll the time

like; "Jeonghan can you pass the remote" "Sure, I love you" "🤦🏻‍♀️"

you pretend you're sick of it but you love it and he knows that

he's very open with carats so if he really found the love of his life, he'd come clean and just show you off

I don't think he'd get caught I think he'd make you come on one of his lives or he'd mention you or something

but like I said, he's very protective and I think he might refrain from showing you off just in case it puts you in harm's way

he worries a lot about you

but it just shows how considerate he is

should I add some shexyyy shtufff???

ummmmmm

okay maybe a little bit

gentle in bed

like the type to brush the hair out of your face

heavy eye contact

I think he'd get shy to be honest

makes sure that NO ONE is around

kisses you everywhere

definitely into praising

just LOVES YOU

he shows it during sex and after

remember how I said he teases you?

I actually don't think he'd tease you during sex

I think he never wants to get his signals crossed

he wants you to know that he loves you

okay end of that

in conclusion; he's a dream man

loves you so so so much

loves being home with you and just being himself around you

he'd also be a great father

like...look at how he interacts with the younger members. he loves them so much and takes such good care of them

definitely think it's a testament to how he'd be as a parent

but even in your relationship, he's very caring with you and just such A BABE

-

enjoy some pics of Jeonghan❤️

{A/N; idk maybe I'll make a svt as dad's series lol. okay, anyways, stream svt god of music. vote for super for SOTY cuz it deserves it and send well wishes to Cheol and Mingyu. might do s.coups next cuz I've been missing him lately😢}

[straylightdream]

Okay so I have some stories to share

Gyuswhore - never shall we die (Hoshi, story in 3 parts)

Veethefreeelf - hate is a strong word (Jeonghan, 2 parts)

Sailorrhansol - Amnesia (Seungcheol, 1 part)

Neoneun-au - Can’t help myself (Mingyu, ongoing story, so far I thinks it’s been 4 parts)

Shuarush- foolproof stupid

Hannieween - honestly all of her stories, but I going to indicate to you Joshua’s city lights (it’s a series I think it has maybe 7 parts)

Yuzukult - we don’t usually hold hands and can’t run away (both mingyu’s but different stories)

Joonsytip - seungcheol series I cried so much and all the times I read it seriously

etherealyoungk- covert desires (mingyu, spy story)

Leejihoonownsmyheart - new rules (mingyu)

Dontflailmenow - push it down (seungcheol, serie in 5 parts)

Miraclewoozi- ode to a conversation (seungcheol, one shot)

Bitterie-sweetie - this is how we fall (mingyu)

Cheolbooluvr - tomorrow tonight

Secndlife - make me feel (Hoshi)

Number1mingyustan - this blog has a Hoshi series and a mingyu/wonwoo one that are totally worth it

Idyllic-ghost - the other woman (mingyu/wonwoo)

Lovelyhan - hoax (Joshua, prepare the tissues)

Amourcheol- the Great War (seungcheol)

Chocosvt - either the series her(wonwoo) or the oneshot honey boy (mingyu)

Husbandhoshi - eat play love (seungcheol)

Hongcherry - pretty please (seungcheol series in 6 parts)

Chilligyu - close proximity (mingyu one shot)

It’s a lot but all of them are really good and have a lot of depth it’s not just smut lol anyway hope you’ll like it

THANK YOU SO MUCH! I have read some of these and I’m definitely going read the ones I haven’t!!

[burst-of-iridescent]

at the moment, 5.7k people are following the kataang tag, not 2.9k, as you said, why would you lie? in addition, even on Tumblr (which remained almost the last popular zk place among all fan platforms), Zukka is ahead of Zutara in popularity, and a lot of talented and popular creators of fan art and fan fiction are now concentrated in the Zukka and Maiko fandom. It is fundamentally a mistake to focus on the popularity of the ship, because shipping should be for personal pleasure, but this only shows that most people are ATLA fans (namely fans, not casual viewers) they actively love ATLA and did not see zutara in the canon. In addition, can you give evidence of your words that «almost all of the main cast and most of the writers» love zutara? From the cast, only Dante actively confessed his love for zutara, but he also spoke about his love for zukka, Mae Whitman not against Zutara and joked about it, but she also said in podcast that she also loves kataang, the rest of the actors did not speak at all about their preferences in shipping (except Grey DeLisle who prefers zucest).

none of the screenwriters has ever confessed his love for Zutara, on the contrary, Ehasz has said several times that he loves Maiko, he also wrote almost all the most significant maiko and kataang episodes. The only one of the 13 main writers of ATLA who spoke about sympathy for Zutara is John O'Bryan. Zutara never featured in any of the original scripts, and in ATLA's "bible," the only love triangle that was originally planned was Aang-Katara-Toph (who was a boy in the original script). In a recent interview, Ehaz also answered the question of how he feels about zutara vs kataang, that he, as a professional screenwriter, "follows his characters" and their final canonical choice of love interest is the choice of the character himself, not the writers.

.

i wrote 2.9k the first time around by mistake. the original post has since been amended to reflect the actual numbers of the kat.aang tag, though frankly the disparity between the two tags is still so large that i don’t even think it matters. anyway, my bad. thanks for letting me know.

many cast members and former writers on the official atla podcast, braving the elements, have talked about shipping zutara — including, but not limited to, dante basco, jack de sena, michaela murphy, joshua hamilton, and john o’bryan. grey delisle, mae whitman & greg baldwin have also spoken about being zutara shippers. i’m not sure why them liking or showing support for other ships somehow means they don’t ship zutara, because people don’t need to ship only a single couple to prove they’re “real” shippers lmao. i like azutara, sukitara, ty luko & even book 1 kat.aang myself; that doesn’t make me any less of a zutara shipper.

i’m also not sure why you expect me to do the work of providing evidence for you when, given the fact that you’re here, i’m certain you have just as much access to google as i do. this information is freely available online. feel free to fact check me.

and let me say this again, in case it was not clear enough: i truly do not care about zutara’s popularity. even if none of the cast and writers shipped it, even if the tag only had 10 people, even if every single wonderfully talented writer & artist & AMV editor & GIF maker in this fandom left, i would still ship it. because it’s a better story, because it is more thematically and narratively cohesive, and because it makes me happy.

and if you disagree with that, that’s fine by me. but somehow trying to “prove” to me that zutara is unpopular and no one likes it is not only a) factually false it’s also b) not going to do a damn thing to change my mind lmao. the opinions of other people have never been a reason for me to ship zutara, and they never will be.

[goldenteaset]

Trigun 1998 Appreciation Week # 1: "The Little Philosopher"

I could be obvious and ramble more about Legato, but today I’d like you all to meet my awful little man. :D

…Even looking at this gif brings it all back. *Ahem*, anyway.

I’ve mentioned before that my original experience with Trigun was very weird (found out via a defunct retrospective) and extremely out of order--as in I saw episode 17 after Legato's intro and then everything else. Regardless of the order though, I’ve probably rewatched this flashback episode the most for kid Knives.

Loving Legato was a slow burn that took many years to fully catch fire, but my reaction to kid Knives was a much more straightforward affair. Maybe it was the elfin looks, maybe it was the familiar voice actor (Joshua Seth) getting to stretch his acting muscles beyond my childhood memories of Digimon. As soon as he stubbornly assured Vash about “making the smallest sacrifice we can”, my heart ached for him.

And see, the best thing about that “smallest sacrifice” line? Is that Knives still falls back on it again and again and again. Not telling Rem about his fears/Steve beating him so as not to worry her? The smallest sacrifice. Cutting his hair himself so that Vash can receive Rem’s attention, regardless of what Knives wants? The smallest sacrifice. Steve? The smallest—you get the idea.

The animators really got to flex with him, too, when it came to scene composition and character animation. Episode 17 isn't just a 2001: A Space Odyssey Homage, it's also unveiling a different, extra-cerebral side to Trigun's story. We see that most with how Knives is presented: he's Eve, he's HAL in a boy's skin, he's a little philosopher, he's a child reaching for concepts beyond his ken, he's Faust and Mephistopheles in one, he's a butterfly fighting against the pin prepared for him, he's mankind's self-created predator.

And by rights I should just end things here, but can I talk about how much I love his brief stint as the Devil on Joey's shoulder? The lighting, the minimal music, the "You did the right thing~" and his slow approach to the Captain's chair are just perfect. My one complaint about him and his adult self is that he doesn't get to embody that role again.

...But that aside, 10/10 would play chess with him and lose admirably

[royalsunshinehotel]

Dev patels characters reacting to their s/o surprising them by wearing lingere?

A/N: This one has been living in my notebook for like two weeks now. Hope you enjoy <3 as always, consulting credit to @hecuba-of-troy

Anwar Kharral (Skins 2009) I feel like Anwar is the biggest geek. Even with all the money and clout that comes with being an indie darling, on some level, he can't quite believe that he's with you, he still sees himself as the geeky boy who ran off to London. He pulled you, he can't believe it. Anyways, Anwar reacts like Wiley Coyote. It's almost cartoon-ish the way his eyes bulge out of his head. He takes a minute to actually put his hands on you, but he makes it worth the wait.

Sonny Kapoor (The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, 2011) Straight up I don't think Sonny would believe it. You're pretty chill as a person, always following your gut, and standing your ground when you need to, but Sonny, being Sonny, definitely jumps to the conclusion of you being the wildest western sex goddess dream, like a centerfold or one of the ladies from the internet videos . He proceeds to give you the head of a lifetime, good for you.

Neal Sampat (Newsroom, 2011-2014) To Neal, you are the definition of "baddie on a budget". If you work with him, the two of you have the same job and he's likely getting the same amount of pay as you, and he doesn't get paid what for the worth of the work he does, same for you. This is why he's absolutely floored when you come out in one of the nicest sets. Is it out of your budget? Yeah. Do you take advantage of his shock and ride tf out of him? Also yeah.

Deon Wilson (Chappie, 2015) Deon, due to lack of experence, would have a good moment where he's caught like a deer in headlights (ha ha), we think he'd probably admire for a while, want a 360 view with the softest look on his face. It would really be soft, and you'd get tiny kisses on your neck most likely.

Sheru “Saroo” Bierley (LION, 2016) Saroo is a little bit tough. I feel like, initially, he'd could be kinda mean, just ordering you to lay down and teasing tf out of you for being a 'slut', which you are, but for him, specifically. But on the other hand, I could also see Saroo just being so 😁 thrilled to be with you, especially when you look like an angel with no wings, "So like a person" is what you respond, and I feel like you gotta get smacked in the pussy a few times for that.

Jay Menha (The Wedding Guest, 2018) Sanjay immediately dives in. I feel like this is one of the few times where he'd ask if you like what your wearing before he dives in and starts to fuck you. Being of an artistic mindset, there is a good chance he'd want to take pictures or draw you looking so pretty, but he's a kind person. He won't make you wait for dick. David Copperfield I feel like you bust out the costumes/lingerie when David's been a little too lost in his work. Essentially, what happens is he's troubleshooting his latest plot to you while you're getting dressed, his nose practically buried in pieces of paper. He's lost in his own little world, so you pull him by the hair to bring him back to you. Once he sees what your wearing he gets hard because (1) it's you and (2) he was able to pay for the outfit with his books!!!! The fuck!! David, being David, proceeds to chatter on about the heroine and what she should do to one of her love interests, and it's a lot better than what he had going before you pulled him back to you. You have to sit on his face to get him to shut the fuck up, but that's hardly an inconvenience.

Joshua Madika Joshua would be a bit of a goof. I fully see you taking his credit card out on a spree, and he comes home to a mini fashion show where he gets hard at the idea of spending money on you. This man was built to be a sugar daddy, but if you tell him he can look, but can't touch, he'll respect that.

Sir Gawain I don't think they had lingerie in the middle ages, but I'm picturing something that likely has chains on it, and wouldn't be the most comfortable. There's a high chance that this would also link somewhat to medieval BDSM, and you are going to be teased within an inch of your life. Also, I feel like when your dressed up, your inside. IDK if I say this enough, but fucking Gawain outside 😛

[akiizayoi4869]

What are your favourite Trails ships/pairings?

Yay, a Legend of Heroes ask! Well if you couldn’t guess by my header image, my number 1 favorite ship for this series is Rean/Alisa lol. Absolutely love those two. I love the way how the relationship between them progresses across all 4 Trails of Cold Steel games. It didn’t seem forced (to me), it felt very natural and you can clearly tell that they both like each other. Definitely loved how in the 4th game, if you chose Alisa in Trails Of Cold Steel 3 and carried over your save data, she actually breaks up with you because of everything that's going on. Even if you didn't choose her, she still confesses to you anyway but immediately takes it back because of the situation. The look on Rean's face was soooo well done, like that boy just looked so crushed😭. And then outside of the main plot, when you do Alisa's bonding events after that, Rean is always thinking about their relationship and hoping that they can get back together. I just really loved how Falcom made him chase after her this time around. It makes the relationship feel that much more earned and realistic when they finally have a chance to talk the night before the final battle. As you can see I am totally normal about these two lmao. Will definitely be writing more fics about those two in the future. Estelle/Joshua is another favorite of mine. I started playing Trails from Zero a few weeks ago so I’m not sold on any ships from those games yet, but I do know that the close to canon pairing for that game is Lloyd/Elie. Which, if I’m being honest? Really not feeling that one yet😅. And that may change, who knows! But so far I like Lloyd more with Rixia, which probably has a lot to do with me playing Trails of Cold Steel first before the other Trails games.

[ajoytobeheld]

Wolf like me (you think of a better title)

July 14th, 2009

Unless you have been living under a proverbial rock you will be aware that SFX released a vampire special this month and although it is a tad pricey, it’s worth getting your mits on for the Buffy mouse pads and very long and detailed interview with James Marsters. James a.k.a Spike was voted the number one vampire by the good readers of the magazine, which is a fair assesment. The top ten seemed pretty spot on if it wasn’t for Selena from Underworld being in there, but the commentry on her was “I SO WOULD PHWWWOAR” rather then a intricate reflection of her fanged antics… at least Robert Pattison’s placing in the top 50 had the pull out quote “When you read the book it’s like “Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself”"

In honour of this I have made a Top Ten Six Werewolf list

6. Professor Lupin: Isn’t it weird that his last name is a deviation of the latin word for wolf like AND he is a wolf?! It’s like those people whose last names are Pratt and they are pratts! Oh Miss Rowling, your subtlety never fails to amaze me…

5. The cast of Dog Soldiers: This British horror film is a favorite of myself and Ollie’s, and the name summarizes the film better then I ever could… It’s mindless, stupid, entertaining, and better then Severance so bonus.

4. Joanie in Cursed: This film directed by Wes Craven is a thinly veiled lesson in safe sex, with the werewolfness being spread by Joshua Jackson’s unprotected penis. Myself and Alek saw it in the cinema and felt the line uttered by the character Joanie “I guess there is no such thing as safesex with a werewolf” was wonderful. Plus it’s the only film I have seen with a werewolf giving Christina Ricci the middle finger.

3. Michael Sheen in the Underworld trilogy: Technically he is only in one and two, but because he can act proper and that he manages to make the films half decent. Plus this film is about the forbidden love between a vampire and a werewolf which we have all pondered over and contains a particularly impressive sex scene over the edge of a cliff.

2. OZ! When I was younger I really liked Seth Green and all I wanted in my life was a small ginger boy with black nail varnish who played guitar to sweep me off my feet, I was what you might call “emo” and “living in a fantasy world of my own creation.” Anyway, due to this affliction I was rather invested in his and Willow’s love.

I was impressed with how they dealt with him being a wolf and Willows little fling with Xander and I cried my little heart out when that EVIL SLUT Veruca teased him away with her werelady charms.

1. Brigette and Ginger in Ginger Snaps: This film is about two nerdy death obsessed sisters and is a thinly veiled (aren’t they all!) metaphor for going through fun puberty, where one of them literally gets “The Curse” but thinks it is just her hormones or a really bad period rather then because a werewolf bit her. It’s a good twist on the werewolf genre, and is maybe like Heathers but with Wereladies.

(Oh and the second one is set in Pagan times, and isn’t very good.)

p.s I went to see the first ever screening of the new Harry Potter film last friday in London and Simon Mayo was there, but sadly no Mark Kemode. However, I will give a little review of it after the premiere on Tuesday as well as covering myself with the free Harry Potter transfer tattoos I got.

Ellen x

[oblivions-arts-culture]

ENVY'S TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2022 (PART 2)

5-1 this time!!! No extras on this one I prommy <3 top ten is top 11 ONLY

5

Everyone’s favourite Satanic metal group are at the height of their powers right now. If you couldn’t tell by the huge spike in their popularity, it’s evident in the confidence – arrogance, even – of the latest incarnation of frontman Papa Emeritus. Tobias Forge’s devilish diva is brimming with Ego on the group’s fifth album, from the patriotic call-to-arms of Kaisarion to the Disney-Villain antics of Twenties. But that swagger betrays a rot at the heart of IMPERA’s imagined empire. Beneath the righteous glory and titanic industries of ‘progress’, the people at the epicentre of this empire still can’t walk home safely at night. That’s the stark message hiding on this album - and it’s Forge’s ability to be so incisive in spite of the silliness of Ghost’s premise, that cements this project as one of metal’s most engaging.

4

When you know that no pop artist does fun quite like Carly Rae Jepsen, an album name like this might lead you to believe her latest album is more sombre than usual. There’s some truth to that – the moodiness of tracks like Joshua Tree and Talking to Yourself are a new turn for the Canadian queen, as is the laidback softness of Western Wind. The most successful divergence from her usual style is the heart-breaking faux-country breakup track Go Find Yourself Or Whatever. But make no mistake; joy is still the defining ethos of Jepsen’s material, despite the circumstances, and the euphoria that she brings on this record is second to none. Because she’s right; we really have had the loneliest time. But what’s the point in not dancing and being in love anyway?

3

The last few years have been no stranger to incisive social commentary, but in my opinion there’s a key element to our modern age that’s missing from a lot of attempts to figure out what’s going on: how completely absurd it all is. Enter Viagra Boys’ bizarre post-punk magnum opus, to tackle the insanity of our times head-on. The humour of the affair adds a necessary bite to the band’s commentary – it would come off as absurd if it weren’t such a perfect reflection of the experience of scrolling through online opinion pieces. It’s eclectic, it’s incapable of standing still, it’s insane and it is very funny. But it’s also not shy about how bleak it all is. You have to laugh, because if you don’t, you’ll scream, and Cave World captures that sensation better than anything else this year.

2

Very few albums this year rewarded your patience and careful attention as generously as Ethel Cain’s debut LP. Between a gorgeous atmospheric intro and a cathartic, emotive opener in American Teenager, your opening minutes are nothing short of awe-inspiring. From here, the album pivots between hazy moments of ethereal worldbuilding, and earth-shattering, subterranean explosions of catharsis, all as part of an engrossing tale of intergenerational trauma. The album is a vicious cycle of gut punches followed by warm embraces, and it will consume you if you let it. You should let it.

1

This does not feel like listening to an album. This feels like being delivered a profane sermon, inside the rotting corpse of a church, at the blackened end of everything. There is a bile, a malice that has been allowed to fester at the heart of our society for all too long, and Ashenspire have captured this with all the anger and disgust it warrants. Haunting and poetic in its lyricism without wasting the blunt rage of its delivery, musically varied but never lacking in aggression or creativity, Hostile Archiecture is a document of a society gone Wrong, as complete in its assessment as it is uncomfortable in the truths it makes you face. I hope an album like this never has to feel this necessary again.

My favourite songs from each album:

Wet Leg: Ur Mum

Black Country New Road: Good Will Hunting

Kendrick Lamar: Auntie Diaries

Big Thief: Flower of Blood

Friendship: Ugly Little Victory

Death's Dynamic Shroud: Judgment Bolt

Ghost: Respite on the Spitalfields

Carly Rae Jepsen: Go Find Yourself or Whatever

Viagra Boys: Ain't No Thief

Ethel Cain: Ptolemaea

Ashenspire: Cable Street Again

Part 1 (entries 10-6) is below!!!!

[makebelieveyouregoodenough]

hello! how've you been, I hope you're doing great 🤍

anyway I heard you take reqs (so sorry if I'm wrong!) but I wanted to request a svt one with lee dk and ler joshua, where they both go live together and dk jokingly calls joshua a monster and shua just goes "yeah right a tickle monster" or something

thank you for reading! no pressure to do this legit 🤍

I’m good. Thanks for asking 🥰

This is such a cute plot I love this so much!

I know this is kinda short but I don’t know Seventeen that well😔

Lee! DK, Ler! Shua

————————————————————

The boys had a day off and DK was planning on going live. He just wanted to do it with someone. After thinking for a couple minutes, he came to the conclusion that Joshua would be the perfect person to do it with.

“Hyung, can you go live with me?”, DK asked Shua

“I’m kinda busy right now”, was the only response he got.

DK could see that all Shua was doing was looking at his phone.

“Busy huh?”, DK thought out loud

“What if I did this?”He asked his hyung as he climbed onto the bed where Shua was lying and pinched his sides with one hand, while digging his finger’s into Josh’s armpit with the other.

“Stohohop okahahay I’ll go live with yohou.”

————————————————————————-

They decided to go live in DK’s room. Shortly after they got to his room, they started the live.

“Hey guys!” They both said, excited to see their fans again.

“Have you eaten today?”, one fan asked

DK answered it by saying, “yes we’ve eaten lunch.”

After they answered a few more questions, DK wanted to tease his hyung. He was trying to come up with a way to do so while not being rude. He noticed how cute his hyung was being and wanted to tease him.

“Hyung’s a monster RAWR”, he said as he curled his fingers into a claw shape. (I’m sorry if that’s confusing.)

“Yeah, I’m a monster. A tickle monster!” Shua exclaimed while wiggling his fingers.

“Whahait dohont tickle mehe”, DK tried saying, but it was too late. Shua was already on top of him and was holding down both his wrists above his head with one hand while wiggling the the other hand above his tummy.”

“No pleaHEASE HYUNG DONT AAAHAHAHAHAHAH”, he screamed mid sentence when Josh scribbled his tummy.

Joshua would have normally stopped there, especially because they were on live, but DK had tickled him earlier so he felt he had every right to keep going.

“Nohoho pleahease”

“But DK, I’m just confirming what you said earlier. I’m a tickle monster after all.”

“NOHOHO I DIDNT MEHEAN IHIT HAHAA HA HA”

Shua changed to spidering up his abs and ribs getting the best reaction.

“Aww, look how red your face is. You seem to be enjoying this.” Shua teased

“NAHAHA IM NOHOT HAHHAHA”

“Should I count your ribs?” Joshua asked innocently

“NOHOHO PLEAHEASE DONT”

“Okay I’ll take that as a yes”

“1… 2”

“THIHIS IS SOHO BAHAHAD HAHAHA”

“3… 4”

DK suddenly couldn’t take it anymore and struggled to get out of the grip of his hyung who was still holding his wrists. He managed to break free and laid on his bed laughing.

“ Yohou are the worhorst hahaha”

“You were the one who called me monster to begin with”, Shua teased while poking his side.

They returned to answering questions and saw comments saying how weird they were. They didn’t mind though. They both had fun anyway.

[starvity]

YOU WANNA KNOW EVERYTHING? Let me tell you about my 11 ults lmao

3 main(zb1, piwon and enha) and the others are semi/half hahah ok lets start(no specific order tho)

Zb1-han yujin(i’m his age if you dk yet lmao)

Piwon-Jongseob became even stronger after the concert like i was legit all the way in the back and had tall ppl infront of me BUT SEOB AND INTAKS(one of my main wrecker w keeho even tho atp seob biased ot wrecked after the concert lmao) stage like i cried w no tears but i met a girl there(a few ppl but i exchanged numbers w her) and she’s keeho biased! And i met some friends from a gc we made for the concert! I also made freebies and met some lovely ppl there! I love this fandom omg

Enha-Niki!!!!!! First ever ult!!!

txt-yeonjun!! We’re 4 kpop stans in my class all biasing jun like he should become our principal atp(we only had one wanting to become it anyways lmao)

Bts-yoongi

Seventeen-ok get ready for this: Scoups, Jeonghan, Joshua, Hoshi and The8! Scoups and Hoshi used to be wreckers and suddenly they ended up in the actual bias line hahah(funfact my fav animals(now 1/2 w dogs) are lions so its kinda matching w hoshi imo)

Newjeans-Danielle!!! Shes so cutesy i love uer

Pow-Yorch like i waited for Trainee A so long this sound weird but i’m attached to Yorch on a completely different level lmao

Riize-Anton my baby

Nct dream-Renjun since the concert like i didn’t rly could decide on one but Renjun def(here again i was all the way up in the back lmao also i like all nct units i’m seeing nct nation in cinema w my friend this weekend but i’m extra bonded w dream yk hahha)

Ateez-wooyoung like he is healing something in me and idk what- probably the issues of being bullied by boys most my live he and some boys from my new class(i’m retaking) are healing this in me🥹

Yes most my biases are maknaes or rappers i’m sorry😭

Hbu? Lots of love<3

-🇩🇪

11 ults?!?! omg i am all ears!!!

you went to a piwon concert too?? i loved it so much omg and it seems like you had so much fun i'm glad!! heavy on intak and seob like,, i fell even more in love with jiung but intak's and seob's stage was insane, screamed so much!!!!

YEONJUN THE PRINCIPAL THIS IS SO REAL FGSJJS i used to be surrounded by yeonjun stans until i met my fellow ningdungie friend last year :D

OMG TRAINEE A!!! literally saw a sangwon post this morning i miss my man :')))

i am also a big big dreamie stan like!!!! been following them since 2016 but i couldn't see them in europe last year bc i had an event for school :(( i see that they are hinting a world tour and hopefully they come back cause i really wanna see them!!! how was the movie?? tell me about it!!!

literally opened my ateez album with my friend last week and they were laughing because i cried when i pulled wooyoung twice LMAOO i got emotional okay... i totally get what you mean like i have a strong bond with him you get it...

overall i bias anton, woo and hoshi too!! <33

hope you have a nice weekend and i love learning about other people's biases it's so interesting <3

[telafel]

I finished Final Fantasy 16 and boy do I sure have thoughts

(SPOILERS)

TL; DR: Pacing weird, female characters written poorly, ending kind of flat, dark fantasy world but feels like shounen anime protagonist male power fantasy, the whole cast as 1 brain cell and only Mid uses it

some of these takes might be a bit skewed because once I got frustrated with it, I kind of stopped giving the benefit of the doubt.

This game started off pretty strong. Sure it’s mostly just cutscenes, but it set the groundwork for a story I was very invested in and a world that seemed darker and more grounded. Basically it seemed like the world and maybe story I was hoping Endwalker would bring where it didn’t shy away from some of the darker aspects of the narrative, because I love dark fantasy (within reason).

Basic recap of the intro:

You play as Clive who is the firstborn son to the Duke of Rosaria, a nation on Valisthea- the twin continents that the story takes place on. His mom is a bitch that hates him and dotes on his younger brother who inherited the power of the Phoenix. Because people in this world awaken as Dominants- meaning they can channel the power of Eikons and are super powerful etc etc. but his younger brother is chronically ill with some untalked about condition.

Betrayal happens, a second Eikon of fire is awakened and appears to kill Joshua, Clive’s bro, and Clive gets captured by the Imperials and conscripted to be a soldier slave on the front lines.

It time skips to Clive being in the army doing his thing, surviving in the thick of a battle between 2 eikons (which is visually a super cool section of the game)

yaddayaddayadda Clive find the Dominant of Shiva, he’s supposed to kill her but surprise it’s actually his childhood friend and he refuses, then Cid appears and saves them, also bringing along Clives childhood dog pal Torgal. Which begins a theme of “Wait this is a lot of huge coincidences” in this game.

Anyways, then this part of the story introduces the main struggle of like... slavery and fighting against it. Mind you, it’s never really explained well this is a thing before except in Active Time Lore (a REAL THING) which is a mechanic where you can  pause the cutscene and read lore on the current situation which is not the best way to get across this information imo. When the flashback cutscene first shows a “Branded” I didn’t even connect that this was a slavery type thing and just thought he was a servant that was very clearly impoverished. Idk.

Cid’s whole deal is that he’s a Dominant that’s working to save Bearers (Branded) from their masters and let them die on their own terms. I appreciate that the game has Clive unsure of joining at first because like, the only context you have of this struggle is that one in the flashback that was definitely mistreated but it’s the ONE person and this is a rampant, continent-wide issue.

Clive’s character has some good development in this section of the game, going from very closed off and looking out for himself, to slowly opening up and looking beyond. He’s very emotional and introspective when it counts and it’s just good writing and story telling.

However the gameplay is... meh at this point. Combat is okay but makes you just use your abilities on CD and have to wait for them while you’re kinda just spamming attack buttons and dodging. The game is visually cluttered when spell effects happen and a character-action-esque UI element giving you props for executing combos or whatever. Some accessibility features are tied to 3 equipment slots, that offer such things like “Auto dodge attack” “Slow down when you can dodge attacks” “auto charge spells” “Auto command pet” etc. etc. but these same slots are used for like... items that can boost damage of attacks or lower their cooldown or give various other stat boosts so it’s basically like “well if you need help with the game then you get to do less damage” which doesn’t feel great. I needed help with the dodge timing because they were very unclear and sometimes I just could flat out NOT see the enemy through all the spell effects to see wtf it was doing.

The first half of the game is pretty solid, but it also has the same issue of it just feeling like mostly cutscenes with little gameplay. After that point it just kind of... loses me a bit.

So lets talk about this some.

The story like I said started off fairly grounded with this cool aspect of the Dominants etc. etc. At this point some of the games lack of really explaining or giving any depth on thing starts getting a bit frustrating. Like Cid says “oh the mothercrystals are drawing aether and I suspect they’re the cause of the Blight.” No one really questions this and goes full send into this mission of destroying the Mothercrystals even when destroying them shows no improvement to anything and even seems to make things worse.

A strange being shows up and tries to do something to Clive and immediately it’s like oh yeah that’s Ultima, he’s a bad guy. Joshua shows up from the dead and seals Ultima away inside him for.... reasons. This is never really talked about, we don’t even know what this does. I don’t think it’s ever explained besides making it so Josh has a ticking clock, but he... still has his chronic illness... and summoning his Eikon puts stress on his body and worsens it so like........ idk......

So Ultima is a thing, we don’t know his goals other than he wants Clive and he’s manipulating events in the realm to cause chaos. None of the main cast ever really stop to think they might be playing into Ultima’s plans even when they’re actively causing the most chaos and one of Ultima’s servants tells Clive to his face that he’s serving Ultima the best of all. No one stops to think about it. They just go ‘yeah im doing good.’ Also Clive’s whole thing of absorbing the power of Eikon’s from the dominants he bests.. he does it by accident at first, then he’s granted it by another. It’s kinda stated that Clive is meant to absorb all of them to make Ultima’s perfect vessel, and yet he just does it whilly nilly without much thought. Which feels weird when there’s (in my opinion) a really awkward cutscene with Jill where she tells Clive to take her power, and then later on when Clive is suddenly reluctant to take another Eikon’s power from another (also Clive who has been extremely powerful up until now can’t do anything when a guy grabs his ankle..)

the Eikon battles get WAY out of hand later on and they wear out their welcome pretty quickly. Visually they’re cool, but the super extreme anime style battles with multiple forms and power-ups feels incongruous with the earlier established grounded narrative. When the game actively frames Clive as Super Cool for using his powers and creating untold destruction during these battles, it becomes much harder to stomach the later cutscenes where he’s angsting about how he uses his powers to kill, like he hasn’t been making anime protag quips while using these powers this whole time.

the story also becomes really forced at points like. there’s a whole thing where Super Powerful Clive who has bested everyone is just completely laid out by another character all so Jill can jump in and get captured AGAIN and need rescuing AGAIN

there is an issue i have with this game of the writing of the women. Jill is number one where she has potential but she’s just not given much space to be her own and just immediately falls in to work beside Clive as soon as she wakes up. Despite being a Dominant and showing her standing against Titan at the start of the game, she is perpetually just.. pathetic. She isn’t even allowed to have her own fight during a narrative point for her, she is just support and then AT LEAST gets agency where she kills the man that abused her. But after that she’s just kinda There. Multiple times in the story she is captured and needs to be saved by the men folk and Torgal. It’s also presumed right from the get go there is a romantic thing between her and Clive even when no one even KNOWS either of them. She wakes up from being unconscious and hasn’t even gotten to speak a word and everyone is acting like they need privacy because they’re going to make out or something.

Like in my book they have zero chemistry, but the game tells us they love each other. Despite this at the end of the game there’s a sidequest where Clive doesn’t even realize she’s upset and needs to be prompted by his brother to do something nice for her to make her feel like one of them. (Jill then has to stay on the sidelines and not participate in the final battle, only the men get to go)

Clive’s mom is protrayed as just comically evil and you think oh maybe she has some reason for it, some background that we don’t know about, but no she literally orders the slaughter of multiple villages, and creates an order of knights to hunt down and murder escaped Bearers and people that harbor them...... because she’s evil. And the reason she was such a shit lord mom that betrayed her husband was..... to make a baby and secure bloodlines. That’s it. That’s what we’re told. And then she kills herself without any real resolution to all the shit she’s done.

Benedikta is probably the most interesting and she’s one of the first characters to die. But she’s still portrayed as a sex pot that uses her body to manipulate men and get her way. As soon as she loses the power of Garuda she’s basically so powerless she can’t fend off some bandits that are implied to want to r*pe her and sell of off, so yay. empowering huh. then she turns into Garuda and starts going ham, rightfully so. Clive beats her and she dies. There’s implied to be a lot of history with her, how she went from supporting Cid and his cause to betraying it and joining forced with a king and supporting his cause instead. We get almost nothing on any of this background.

The whole game has this weird elephant in the room where the worldbuilding never strictly states this sort of dynamic of women being lesser, but the way everything written heavily implies it. Most of the women are supporting roles, side characters like Martha that runs an in and saves Bearers, Isabelle who runs a brothel, Tarya the healer, Yote who follows Joshua around and makes him take his medicine (but she’s totally a skilled fighter btw we just never see it). Mid is probably the one with the most agency, she actively builds a ship and innovates this construction and puts herself in danger to help everyone. There is One female character that is part of the fighting band and even then her role is just sending them out and when you do quests featuring her, she doesn’t even get to fight, she just gets to carry a child to  safety while Clive deals with the enemy.

but still in contrasting the men... Jill must rest and not partake in battle while Joshua is actively coughing up blood and gets to go ham with his bro and everyone is just like “Oh you little skamp, just be sure to take your medicine”

Sidequests: The game really is stingy with them for MOST of the game which is fine, I didn’t mind that so much. If there’s too many side quests I get frustrated, but these were pretty straight forward and didn’t take much time. But then when you get just before the final mission in the game, the game dumps THE MOST sidequests ever on you at once, it’s so weird WHY now. And these side quests are so weird.

A lot of these side quests scream of ffxiv because the multi-step ones basically end with these npc’s giving a full blown speech on the morals of the quest and how they were wrong and now they see the error of their ways. (The one that most bothers me is a cutscene where you’re actively on your way to help someone and the NPC goes “no, wait! someone is coming” and you just stand there and watch as your friend gets hit with stones by an angry mob to the point of drawing blood... and THEN you stand and watch as kids rush in to save him and ALSO get pelted and hurt with stones like. WHY AM I JUST STANDING THERE CLIVE IS RIGHT THERE, BESTIE, YOU HAVE THE POWER OF ALL THE EIKONS IN YOU WHY ARE YOU WATCHING CHILDREN BEING HARMED)

ANYWAYS

for how sickening wholesome most of these final side quests are- it almost feels like doing them has some bearing on the ending. like Dion (who is probably my favorite character in the game) talks like he is walking into his death willingly for redemption of what he does, but then the sidequest you do for him seems to inspire him to want to actually live through events and see what comes after.

But no, it doesn’t seem to matter because he just fucking dies.

You’d never guess that shockingly Clive was doing as Ultima wanted all along too! Who would have guessed it? (Me, I guessed it, and the characters probably could have guessed it if they put any thought into their actions or what characters were saying to them. That probably would have been an interesting thing to consider and talk about in the story itself instead  of just going ‘yeah no i’m not going to think about that’)

But then Clive wins and saves the day and we have no idea how what he’s doing actually helps with all that’s been uncovered about the background and history of the world (The blight that’s been making the world unlivable has been a thing since ancient times and seems inevitable. It seems like its not just something that will go away) but the ending is good, but oh no Clive dies and so does Josh but everyone is safe... i guess.

i dunno. the ending is brief and not really satisfying after all the build up.  maybe I was just kind of checked out and wanted the game to end by then.

I just dislike how much is just TOLD to me by the game instead of shown- you find out about this story from Clive and Jill’s past at the 97% point of the game and they only ever mention the One moment you see in the flashback earlier in the game. Some of the things are explained to you wholly by the lore notes and not even very well like if you’re bothering with lore notes give me BIG JUICY stuff, not 50 words that don’t even explain much. (also like some of those notes I’m like... how do we know this because I don’t even remember this being said in these cutscenes or side quests????) why do some of these lore notes update and only change like 10 words depending on the story events?????

also as the game goes on your start seeing this same formula of events that just kind of annoying after a while. You go to new  area, you get in contact with influential person in the area, they give you a badge that shows your a friend(why does every npc regardless of where in the world have the same method of things? is this just a worldbuilding thing never explained??), you have to do small work to help them out and gain their trust.  Missions start becoming like “go here and help out” and it’s like, two waves of small enemies, then small wave of enemies plus a weaker elite enemy, when you kill those oh no!! this big elite enemy appears out of nowhere! it happens way too many times lol

There are things I liked abouut the game, I think Dion and his whole side story is the best in the game, he’s a very compelling character of just being very duty bound and believing in the ideals of the Empire serving its people and wanting very much to do what’s best for them. (Plus he actually has chemistry with his lover and their scenes tore me in two).

But overall there’s like. an idea of a good game, but just some weird pacing issues and dissonance with the tone. It’s like the team was still in MMO mode and didn’t know how to do something for a single player game... just give me more sidequests that deal with the main character cast earlier in the game and balance things out. it’s SO backloaded.

[undyinglegends-blog]

Hi there so please allow me to scream about one Joshua Kiryu bc i've been sitting on this for ages now

I'd like to preface this by saying that Yoshiya "Joshua" Kiryu is not a monster. At least, he's trying not to be anymore.

Joshua knew a few things for certain in life: Firstly, he could see things other people couldn't. He was heavily ostracized by other kids for the things he could see--people with arrow-tipped, wiry wings, people who had died and were now running around Shibuya with timers on their hands, animals with glowing tattoos for legs, arms, tails, that would attack those dead people and cause them to disappear, strange red symbols that would float around, yellow symbols that would latch on to people and, a few times, himself. No one ever believed him, of course. "Stop lying," his parents would tell him. "Stop crying for attention." He eventually learned to just stop mentioning it. Later he learned to just stop telling people the truth at all, since they never believed him. People heard what they wanted to hear, and what they wanted to hear were things that benefitted them in some way. "Home life is fine," he'd say. "I'm fine," he'd say. "Everything's fine," he'd say. And people would believe him then, because that meant they didn't have anything weighing on their conscience.

Secondly, nothing he did was ever good enough for his parents. Top of his class, winning numerous awards in math and science at his school, and it was never enough because that was their expectation for him. Perfection was their standard. Sometimes Joshua would get a couple questions wrong on an exam, and his mother would look at him and tell him she was disappointed, that she expected better of him, that she didn't want a failure for a son, and Joshua would agree because what else could he do? They wouldn't love him if he wasn't perfect. So he tried to be perfect. He really did. But come his tenth birthday, when the world became nothing but him and a pair of silver headphones, he just... stopped caring.

Thirdly, the world was dull and gray to him. Unbeknownst to him, Joshua was suffering from depression. He found himself feeling unmotivated, unusually tired all the time, finding no joy in even the smallest of things that he had found to be hobbies of his. And the world around him felt just as gray and lifeless as he did. It took a lot of effort to just get out of bed in the morning as he grew older.

Then he met Hanekoma.

Hanekoma was and still is the only person that Joshua genuinely trusts, the one person who ever took him seriously and treated him as something of an equal, and most importantly, the one person who actually confirmed that all the things that he had seen for his entire life were real. Hanekoma told him about the Game, the Underground, the Reapers and Players. And Joshua listened to every word, feeling complete relief at the fact that he wasn't crazy.

But the more Hanekoma talked, the more Joshua realized that he didn't want to just learn about the Game; he wanted to be a part of it. There was nothing for him in the living world, he thought. Parents who barely knew he existed and fought all the time (Mother was stressed, Father drank because he was stressed, Mother got more stressed because of his drinking which made Father more stressd), peers who constantly mocked and ridiculed him, and a world that was moving so fast for a tired, goalless boy. In the Reapers' Game, though, there was a goal. Everyone could use pins, everyone was put on equal footing. And there was one goal: to win. There was something.

[SUICIDE TW]

He was afraid of doing it, initially. He didn't want it to hurt. But he knew he had to. He wanted to. He wanted to get out of this endless hell of his life and do something for once.

So on July 30th, 1995, Yoshiya Kiryu hanged himself in his room, and was later found by his mother the next morning. The funeral was minimal; very few attended.

[TW END]

He can still remember the look of hurt, of regret in Hanekoma's eyes when he saw that Joshua had entered the Game. But Joshua excelled in the Game, being able to use a wide variety of pins--not all of them, but certainly a large array of them. He and his partner made it to the end of the week, and while they both had scored enough points to return to life, only Joshua's partner did. Joshua wanted to become a Reaper. He even told him to keep his entry fee--his mark on the world, other people's memories of him, any information about him. He wouldn't need it in the Underground. The Reapers could not keep his entry fee in full, so only minimal information on Yoshiya Kiryu was released back into the living world.

Joshua immediately became a Harrier Reaper, and was very efficient in his job of erasing Players. But upon learning about the position of Composer, the most powerful being in Shibuya, he set his sights on that. For once in his existence, he had drive, motivation, a reason to do something, and it was wonderful. The world, for once, had color to it as he fought and got stronger. This was where his quietness grew into confidence, and confidence grew into arrogance. A couple slips let him find that people’s reactions to him flirting with them--especially cute boys--was not only hilarious, but kept people from getting close to him. Why bother? No matter how lonely you are, your life made it pretty obvious that friends weren’t for you.

Eventually, he took on and defeated the previous Composer. His ethereal form reflected the age of his soul--how long he had existed, how old he would have been had he lived--and suddenly, he could hear everything in Shibuya. Everyone’s thoughts and emotions were readily available to him, all at once without filter. And it stayed like this for around 10 years (if we assume twewy takes place in 2007). Joshua could hear and see everything in the city--every horrible crime, every fight, every meeting between friends, every death. He had to pay special attention to the deaths, of course, to see if they were strong enough to be Players. He was bombarded with information, especially with the rise of popular culture and the city’s fixation of the consumption of goods.

This overexposure to people and consumerism, as well as his own cynical viewpoint warping his perspective, caused Joshua to gradually grow to loathe the city. And the city grew duller and more vapid in response to Joshua’s will. He is the city; the city is him. They affect one another. The omniscience cause him to become horribly numb and disenfranchised, not blinking at death or murder or suicide any longer because he had seen it so many times.

[SUICIDE TW]

Finally, it came to a tipping point, where Joshua was going to destroy Shibuya--and himself along with it. And he thought he was finally going to get his wish for death, to stop his miserable existence. Kitaniji was actively trying to stop him; any of the Reapers who wanted his job could just try to kill him; and even Hanekoma, the one person he genuinely trusted, thought it best to help Minamimoto become Composer and destroy Joshua in order to protect Shibuya. And once more, Joshua Kiryu felt completely and utterly alone. Not even the person he trusted more than anything thought he was worth saving. Every path lead to Joshua’s death in some manner.

[TW END]

So he was willing to put everyone’s lives on the line. He felt nothing as he killed an innocent teenager and made him fight for him, put him through hell just so he could prove that the city was stale and stagnant, just as he had always thought.

The time Joshua spent with Neku began to plant the seeds of doubt in his mind. Neku was no longer fighting for himself, he was fighting for another person, one he had just met and yet already cared about. Multiple times throughout the week, Neku had helped other people, in some cases without a bit of hesitation, because it was the right thing to do. He saw Shibuya’s people grow and change, both in good ways and bad--including his own proxy. It didn’t make sense to him. This want to help and protect people... the fact that someone once as cynical as him could gain that was baffling.

Even as baffling was Joshua faking his sacrifice. Well, not entirely faking. Neku would have most certainly been destroyed by the level i flare, and had Joshua been a tenth of a second later, he could have been seriously injured himself. He didn’t get out of that unscathed, either--the attack had grazed him as he jumped to a parallel world, and it had hurt a lot more than he thought it would. Any later, and he could have easily been in far worse shape. That week in that alternate timeline let him think, and he did everything he could to justify to himself that all of this was wrong, that the moment Neku was presented with a strenuous situation he would revert back to his old ways, and Joshua’s plans to erase Shibuya could go on as planned.

But then Neku didn’t pull the trigger. He had every reason to, but he didn’t. Joshua had won their Game, and he could do as he desired with the city. But he couldn’t destroy it. Not after going through that week with Neku, after watching him fight Kitaniji in order to rescue everyone--Joshua included--from the Conductor, after being unable to shoot Joshua. He didn’t know what was going through Neku’s head or why he didn’t shoot--but some small, deeply-hidden part of him thought that maybe, maybe it was because Neku thought Joshua was worth saving.

“I can’t forgive you. But I trust you.”

He still doesn’t understand how that was possible.

The following week left Joshua to reflect, to fight with Hanekoma over what he had done to protect Shibuya, and to finally realize the disgusting, emotionless monster he had become. Even just a bit of the weight of what he had done slammed into him full-force, and he slunk into momentary despair over what thing he had turned into. Since then he has been guilt-ridden and remorseful, but is unsure of how to even begin to approach the subject. Only recently has he left himself start to acknowledge his emotions, because the guilt and horror at what he had done was just too strong to push aside.

Since the end of TWEWY, Joshua has been trying. He’s been trying to become better. He is slowly beginning to try to understand people, to understand that people’s lives--even his own, to an extent--have value, to try and be just a bit more selfless, to try and care. It’s certainly difficult, uncomfortable, and extremely foreign to him, but he’s trying. (I tend to play him like his KH3D incarnation, hence this is how the original game leads to this--) He doesn’t want to continue to be the monster he had been.

Becoming a Reaper was like he got tinted glasses. Eventually, the luster faded, and the world was gray once more. Because of Neku and crew, Joshua Kiryu finally feels like he can see color in the world that he couldn’t before.