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my-brothers-corrupted · 4 years

Text

My Brothers, Corrupted

Chapter Three : Section Three: JJ’s Secret

Chapter One l Chapter Two l Chapter Three

Unmedicated, unwell, and feeling unwanted, Dapper is beginning to lose his grip on his powers a little, lost in old memories and old desires. When Red can’t talk him down from his distress, Dapper ends up using a talent he’s kept secret even from Anti for years, and Red finds himself in a world more wonderful than he ever let himself imagine.

Trigger warnings for psychosis, panic and distress, and vomit.

Section Three of Chapter Three: JJ’s Secret

Anonymous asked: Red, who cares. This is survival, right? You wanna get back to Anti you gotta make some risky moves to keep each other safe. Be your own person, Red. I know you’ve got an identity crisis right now but you’ve got to do what you need to.

“This was about the disguises earlier, I think,” mumbles Red, trying to sort through everything. “I got distracted… you’re right, I just - I just - I feel like if I start changing big things… It’s like admitting we won’t be home soon.”

His face is heavy with the stress of it. “Right? You know? Cause if Anti comes and gets us today, tomorrow, next couple days, well, then there’s no point in me dyeing my hair or anything like that. In fact, it would be better not to, because he might be angry I changed myself and his puppy. It’s just - I’m not - I don’t think I can admit - ”

He runs his hand over his face, shaking, tears welling up once more.

“Fuck,” he says, with vehemence, with grief. “I don’t know what I’m clinging to if Anti’s not coming to get us in the next couple days. I don’t know what to do. I have no fucking idea what I’m going to do. Why won’t he come get us? Is he really… he’s really not coming soon, is he? I’m really alone. Oh, fuck.”

Anonymous asked: You really enjoy being anti's personal baby, don't you Red? Look, I can tell, you've never felt safe with him. Don't you remember what you said on the rich side of the mountain with Blue. No, not blue Marvin. Don't you remember your anger? Your pain? Being chained to the floor, shocked, and cut, and bruised? Do you really, /really/ believe that that's love? Do you believe that being forced to slap and hit your brothers is 'family'? You're deaf to these words. You're deaf to your brothers pain.

“Fuck,” whispers Red, closing his eyes. “Please, please… you think I don’t know that I’m a monster?”

He grits his teeth hard and puts his fists in his hair, trying to breathe.

“I - I - I know Anti hurts me, but it’s because I’m bad - and I know I’ve hurt the others but I have to protect them - and I know that makes me a monster but fuck, fuck! I don’t know how to live without him, just - just leave me alone!”

He’s loud enough to make the figure in the bed beside him flinch and Red whirls, startled.

“Oh, oh, Dap, you’re awake again, thank God…”

spicydanhowell asked: this might seem trivial, but please don't give dap cigarettes. it'll make him feel nice for a few minutes, and he'll probably be relieved, but smoking exacerbates psychotic symptoms. his paranoia could get worse, And people with psychotic disorders usually find smoking more pleasurable and have a lot of trouble quitting. CBD oil would be much more effective, or benadryl if you need to get him calm quickly

“Shit,” curses Red, staring. “I didn’t see this earlier, I - fuck, well… geez, Dap, you feeling okay? What the hell, man? Please don’t ever do that to me again.”

“No, wait, I - I’m not on medication,” Dapper protests, staring at the message. “Cigarettes make medication less effective, but they can decrease psychotic symptoms. They - ”

“They said it only feels like it relieves them.”

“No, but this isn’t true for my disorder, I know, I’ve read. The dopaminergic pathway - ”

“Dap, you know I can’t read when you spell that fast!”

Dapper turns his mouth sorrowfully down and lies limp against his pillows, staring at the camera. Red sighs deeply and reaches out - timid, timid - to touch the small of his back.

“They sound like they know what’s up. Are you sure about the cigarettes? One hundred percent? It’s been a really long time since you’ve self-medicated. I think.”

Dapper shakes his head slowly. “I guess not…”

“Plus we don’t want you getting addicted. You know Anti doesn’t like cigarettes.”

A nod, slow.

“So if we’re not sure, better not to risk it. Big brother will handle it. I’ll find you… something else. I don’t know. Probably I could find benadryl. How does that sound?”

Dapper doesn’t answer, staring at the wall.

“Buddy? Are you with me? Or - are you having another episode?”

“With you,” signs Dapper dully.

“Well, if you could answer me when I talked to you, that could fucking help.”

“Nobody is listening to me,” answers Dapper slowly. “Nobody is even looking at me. I don’t even think I’m saying anything. Please leave me alone.”

Red draws back, a frown on his face.

And then, a moment later, disappointment, as he realizes his first instinct had been to grab Dapper by the hair and yank him out of bed and force him to talk.

He slinks away from his brother’s bedside and sits down against the wall again, silent.

Anonymous asked: You're not the monster Red. The monster is the one who made you believe all this abuse is normal. The one who made you believe you had to hit and beat the ones you love. The 'monster' is Anti.

Red stares at the floor.

“Maybe I’m more Anti than myself by now.”

He pushes his fingers through his hair, eyes shut.

“We… neither of us can take much more of this, can we?”

He doesn’t turn to see if Dapper answers. His little brother is hiding his face in his pillow, weak from coming out of the catatonia. No, he can’t take much more of this. He doesn’t think he can take any more of this, in fact. He doesn’t know who he is or where he is or why there’s a ghost where Jackie used to be. He needs it to stop.

“We can’t take much more of this,” whispers Red, and, too busy hiding his face in his knees and trying to keep his mind away from nightmares and self-hatred, he doesn’t bother to wonder why the room has begun to smell of dust and blood and petrichor.

scunneredzombie asked: Red, can you please hear Dapper out..? Let him say what he knows, he would probably know what's best for himself. He's right you know, cigarettes reduce negative symptoms of psychosis! Such as catatonia and excess anxiety. Just because he's younger doesn't mean he doesn't know anything.

“I don’t know, maybe it’s more complex than that. I’m not… smart,” he grumbles, turning away from you, flushed pink. “I don’t think he wants to talk right now anyway, look.”

He turns to you slightly. Dapper is pressing his clock to his forehead, closing his eyes. Red figures he’s trying to fall back to sleep. He wishes he had something to cling to like that. He thinks he used to have… things? He can’t remember. Even just a clean hoodie. He would kill for a clean hoodie. But his black one smells like garbage. He rubs his hands up and down his arms instead and thinks about Blue.

His smiling face. The way he always runs around looking after everybody. The wisping light on his hands. The color of his eyes. The sound of his dumb, snorting laugh. Waking up and knowing he’s okay. Waking up to see him breathe. Waking up and he’s still beside him. Oh, too still beside him. His terrified face. His heaving chest. Pupils as dots with terror. Blood on his arm. The forest on fire. The forest being devoured.

Red? Ro? I think Anti’s going to kill me. Don’t leave me alone. Ro? Please.

“No,” groans Red, clutching at his hair. “I’m sorry…”

Dapper ignores him. He needs to focus. He’s going to make this stop. He’s a little confused, sure, but… he can still do this, right? He coughs softly. He can fix this. He wants… he wants the real Jackie… a smile blooms across his face as you watch. Red blinks as the smell gets stronger.

bupine asked: what's that smell, red? is it magic?

“I do know that smell, but it’s… bad? Where do I know it from? It means I messed up, it - ”

Red’s eyes widen.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Did Anti fond you guys?!

“No, no.” Red leaps to his feet. “No, Dapper’s trying to use magic in the middle of an episode. Dapper’s having a snap.”

Anonymous asked: There’s no way he found you, Red. He’s with Trick and Blue. For the sake of keeping up his stupid “little brother seamus” lie it’d be stupid for him to come after you two. That can’t be him...right? Red is someone there?

“I wish it was Anti,” cries Red, racing across the room. He reaches down to touch Dapper, and then -

Teeth bared, Dapper snaps at him, shaking his head violently, his eyes glowing silver. Red falls back, alarmed, remembering, all too vividly, the feeling of being trapped underneath Dapper as they fought, the feeling of Carver’s eyes boring into him and his fists coming down again and again, with the sound of Anti’s laughter laid over the top of all of it.

“Dapper,” croaks Red, hands held out. “Please don’t hurt me, it’s me. Please, I know I haven’t always been the best to you - ”

“I know what you did, Anti!” Dapper’s hands scream. The smell on the air is so strong Red feels his nose begin to bleed. “I know what you did! Give me my brothers back! You killed them! You killed J-joy! I’m going back, I want to see him again! I want to go back, I - I can’t remember where…”

“You can’t time travel when you’re this confused,” cries Red. “You could lose yourself or me in the timestream, you could make something happen - ”

Dapper buries his face in his pillows, shaking his head furiously. “You’re not J-joy! You’re a ghost! I want to go home! I don’t know what’s real! I don’t want to lose my mind!”

Anonymous asked: Jameson, I don’t think you can bring back that much of the past. It’s better to face what’s in front of you. Why don’t you try to work with him? I know it’s a little irritating but he’s really loosing himself. It might be fruitless if he continues to ignore and belittle you, but being petty about it won’t fix it either. Just try to talk to him, communicate is key after all :)

“Mean Red,” pants Dapper, forcing himself to sit up, his eyes wild. “Mean to me. Yanks me. Yells at me. Takes me back to Anti. Slaps my head. No one is listening. No one is here. No one can see me. I’m dead already, can you see my hands moving? Go back, go back, go back. I remember - bits and pieces? Bits and pieces, my hair in bits and pieces on the floor, he chops me up, snap, I am the Carver, I am not the Carver, I am a ghost too and I can’t? Don’t - don’t want to lose my mind?”

“Dapper,” pleads Red. “Dapper.”

Anonymous asked: Red, whatever you do, don't freak out. Dapper is turning back time, he's going to hurt himself. Talk to him. Don't snatch the watch away, that'll make things worse. Get him to put it away himself. Try to level with him.

“Dapper,” calls Red, trying, at your behest, to make his voice softer. “Dapper, my little brother!”

Oh, fuck, what would Blue do?

“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay, sweetie, we’re going to make it all okay. Look here at brother, come on. Big brother’s going to look after you.”

“Look after me,” snarls Dapper, managing to focus on him. “You can’t even hear me. You think I don’t know you’ve been afraid of me ever since I beat the hell out of you next to that gas station?”

Red’s face flushes with heat. He hears his heart pounding in his head.

“Newsflash, puppy,” he snarls, hurt and shame and guilt making painful cocktails in his stomach. “I was afraid of you long before that. We all are! You could get any of us in trouble just by turning back time and telling Anti we fucked up! The smell of your magic is just the smell of Anti about to beat the shit out of me! You’re the one who has his ear! You act like a baby to keep yourself safe and you fuck over the rest of us every goddamn day! It’s no wonder Anti never gave you a twin! Twins have to love each other!”

Dapper screams with air alone and leaps to his feet, clutching his clock so hard the hands inside tremble. Red scrambles away, throwing himself into the corner, terrified.

“Dapper, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please, you could kill us both - ”

cest-mellow asked: dapper what are you planning, buddy?

“Go back to my house, you remember? I do not remember, remember only pieces? Pine trees like towers, birds all singing, my room has nice soft bedsheets and nobody calls me puppy! Can we go home now? Where’s Jackie gone, home? We can go, I can see it, I am not a time traveler, I am a timestream traveler, Anti never bothers to see what his Dapper can do, do you remember - Jameson? I should like to see him again, his face in the mirror, turquoise hair, my finger bleeds.”

Anonymous asked: Jameson stop. You're just going to hurt yourself. Sometimes the damage is done and you can't take it away. Magic is not a fix-all. Jackie is still there, he's just buried under a lot of trauma, same as you. As awful as it is, you both need to adapt to each other WITH each other and push forward.

“He’s still there?” Dapper reaches out his hands, reaching for Red’s face, and Red groans and tries to stand still. “Does he see me at all?”

“I can see you, I can see you,” babbles Red, letting his little brother set his hands gently on his shoulders. Dapper’s eyes wander wildly. He is seeing far more than Red can see. “I see you, I can see what you’re signing. I’m right here, I’m right here. Everything’s cool! I can be J-joy if you want, I can, I can be a good boy, I know you’re Anti’s favorite so I can listen to you instead. Yeah?”

“Anti’s favorite?” says Dapper, his face falling. “Anti’s… why… but… no, I don’t want to be…”

cest-mellow asked: jameson are you even capable of going back so far? i’m all for screwing anti over but this could be dangerous

“No, he could hurt himself!” shouts Red. “That’s not how his power works! Dap, please, that’s never been how it works. You’ll die.”

“What would you know about it?” asks Dapper frailly, pulling his trembling hands away. “What would I know about it? I’ve forgotten so much, but he can never take all of it, he can never take all of it, not from me, Jameson is in time and time is in him so how do you strip all that away?”

Anonymous asked: Dapper? Did you do something? You can talk to us, you know that right?

“I know you’re scared but you can talk to me, you can talk to me,” pants Red, his pupils minute with stress. “You can tell me everything, I’m listening, I swear. I know you’re confused.”

“So confused,” laments Dapper, turning around and around, blinking. “So confused… you promised you’d get me my medicine…”

“I know. I know. I’m sorry.”

scunneredzombie asked: Jameson, try to think rationally for us? You know your powers don't work well when you feel confused like this. I agree with you. You are not Carver, you aren't Dapper. But Jackie is still stuck as Red. You need to help him find himself, Jameson. Don't change back time to something you can barely remember, so much could go wrong. Your brother is here. You brother is still here beside you. Help him bring Jackie back to life.

“Stuck,” whisper Dapper’s hands, reaching out for him again. “Stuck… my poor big brother. He always protected me. Who made him cruel and so sad? I will go back and change it… Jackie, don’t be afraid of me, I’m sorry if I did bad things to you…”

Anonymous asked: Red for once just drop the hierarchy and just be a brother. Just listen to each other instead of trying to figure out who follows who. It doesn’t matter anymore. You keep /each other/ safe, not just you keeping James safe.

“Okay, okay, okay,” wheezes Red, reaching out himself this time to take Dapper’s sleeves. “No hierarchy. No Anti. Just us, right? Here I am. Dapper. J - Jameson?”

Dapper’s face lights up for a moment, awe and love shining in his face.

Red… Red’s never seen that look in his eyes before. Not directed at him. Not genuine. Not unforced. For a moment it stops him short.

Or… has he seen it before? A long time ago?

“Jameson,” he repeats, very softly.

scunneredzombie asked: Red, stop. Stop talking about Anti to him. Anti doesn't matter right now. The dumb top of the pack system doesn't matter right now. All that matters is that your brother is in danger. Everything will be okay, but you have to calm down and stop spewing meaningless talk about Anti. Be his brother right now, for lord's sake. He's this upset because he thinks you're dead. He /loves/ you and he thinks J-happy is dead within you. He needs comfort, he needs his brother, not Anti.

“Were we…”

Red pauses, touching his head.

“Were we friends? I don’t… I don’t remember. I think I used to love you.”

Warm water trickles from the shining silver eyes.

“I still love you,” signs Dapper dazedly, stepping closer to Red’s chest. “I still do when I can think a little more clearly. When I can see the northern lights… look, the shine of it… do you remember?”

Does he? Does he?

Warm hands washing blood from his own. A smaller body tucked in against his chest. Sleeping against him. Tucked up together in a cold little cell. Just the two of them.

spicydanhowell asked: can you spell his name for him jamie? then he'll know what you're calling him when you say j-happy. it's really good that you're calming down okay? it's gonna be okay

Dapper is shaking very hard against his brother’s chest.

“J-A-C-K-I-E,” he signs politely, beaming with that dizzy look frozen on his face. “I don’t remember your last name…”

“No, please,” croaks Red. “I’m not that person anymore. Please, it’s secret, it belongs to Blue and Anti. You’re going to get us in trouble. Sh, Dap, sh. Come here, it’s okay.”

“You don’t love me like this,” stammer Dapper’s hands, still smiling.

“No, no, it’s not that, it’s just - ”

“You afraid of me? Afraid? Not little brother? Just pet?”

“No, we are brothers, we are.”

immabethehero asked: Jamie? It's J A C K I E B O Y M A N

Dapper laughs aloud. “Okay, there’s one option.”

Red looks terrified. “Please, Dap, don’t talk about names!”

Anonymous asked: You don’t have to be like Anti, Red. You don’t have to be like Anti. Jackie, or whatever you want to be called, it’s okay. You’ve been in an environment where everything you do, everything you say is seen as a weakness. It makes sense that you would want to act like Anti, he’s made it seem like he’s the only person who isn’t scared. That’s a lie, y’know, he terrified, all the time and for various reasons. He does it to himself because he’s afraid to admit weakness. But you do (1/?)

“I have made mistakes,” breathes Red, pulling gently on his sleeves, trying to keep him grounded. “I have, so many. And maybe I’m not the person I was, and I’ve been a jerk lately, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want - I don’t want - it doesn’t mean I don’t want to…”

He stares at Dapper. He doesn’t know what he wants. He wishes he could tell him he wants to be brothers again, but Dapper… most of the time he doesn’t even like Dapper.

Spoiled brat, whining for Anti’s attention.

Younger brother forced to act like a pet to survive.

Terrifying warrior beating Red into the ground.

Tough old ally, steady at his side.

Dangerous, ticking time bomb.

Sick friend.

“I still want to help you,” says Red. “I still want to keep you safe. I never meant to grow to hate you in the first place… it’s my fault. It was never yours. I never should have let him separate us all from each other. I never should have let him pit us against each other.”

Anonymous asked: Jameson, maybe it’d be good to have a little heart-to-heart with Jackie? Instead of getting upset immediately and blaming him for everything, why don’t you try to ask him why he acts that way? I think he’s scared the same way you are and talking about it might help both of you in the end.

“Have a hard time talking when disorganized,” says Dapper, panting to himself. “Have a hard time thinking when disorganized. Please? Please?”

bupine asked: you've never been a monster, red, jackie. you've done all you can to keep your brothers safe and fuck, you've done it well. it's incredible the amount of stuff you've sacrificed for them. it's incredible that you're still alive. we're all so so proud of you for everything you've done, man. even if you think you've fucked up now.

“No, please,” whispers Red, pushing Dapper to sit down on the bed. “Please. I can’t be who you need me to be and I want you to stop being proud of me. Stop having expectations, stop pretending I’m… Jackie. Let’s all just accept that I’m Red, I’m Anti’s right hand, Anti’s red right hand, and that will never change.”

cest-mellow asked: jackie, anti isnt there! he doesn’t know anything about what you two are talking about, just have this moment with your brother. screw anti. it’s just you and jameson right now.

“But Anti will be here,” chokes Red. “Anti will find him and push him right back into the same headspace as before. And the more I let him wander from the person Anti wants him to be… the more I let myself wander… the harder it will be to go back to being those people. You have to be Dapper. No more talking about old names, okay?”

Dapper whimpers, closing his eyes, but when he opens them again, the glow has not gone away.

“Bud,” Red protests, exhausted. “Please, I thought you were calm.”

Dapper coughs and gives a sudden tremble, his shoulders heaving like he’ll vomit. A sudden fear flashes through his eyes.

“Dap? Send the glowing away, okay? I’m not asking. You have to stop. You’re a really powerful little guy and you could really ruin something or get hurt if you’re not careful.”

“Red?” Dapper reaches up to clutch at his shirt and he gives that little jolt again, the almost-retch. “Blood in my mouth?”

“Dap? What? You’re over-exerting! Like Blue! Make the magic stop, Dap, now!”

Dapper stares up at him, dazed, panting, eyes shining. A lone trickle of blood splits the middle of his bottom lip and he pales.

Anonymous asked: James, what do you need? We’ll do what we can to help you, Red included.

“My medicine,” cries Dapper. “Don’t want to be insane anymore.”

“You’re not insane, you’re just - fuck, fuck, please, Dap, you have to focus! What do you need, buddy, what do you need?”

“Scared,” signs Dapper, squeezing his eyes shut. “Oh, what have I done. What have I done. Anti’s going to be angry with puppy.”

“Dapper - ”

“Just hold on to me? Just hold onto him?”

Red wraps his arms tightly around him and rocks him against his chest, stroking his hair, shaking with fear. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Just calm down, just calm down.”

scunneredzombie asked: Have you ever asked yourself, /why/ it's a secret? Why can't you be Jackie, Red? What is stopping you from being the person Jameson loves?

Red chokes on a cry. “I just - I can’t! He… I don’t even remember him but I know that he was a better person than I was! I’ve done too much shit, I’ve - I’ve killed innocent people, do you know that?”

Tears begin coursing down his cheeks and he strikes the bed, hard, gritting his teeth in his mouth.

“Jackieboyman! The hero Anti is always mocking! I’m not a hero! I’m a villain - no, worse, I’m a fucking henchman, and I’ve spilled blood, I’ve killed people, I’ve beat my own brothers to shit because they wouldn’t do what I wanted them to.”

He dissolves into tears against Dapper’s back, clutching him close.

“And it doesn’t matter anymore!” he shouts, damn the motel noise policy. “I have to be Red! I have to be the one who hurts them so Anti doesn’t do it instead! I have to help them fall into line so they don’t get beat! And I have to keep you, Dapper, inside your own head, so you don’t fucking kill yourself with this power! I’m sorry for the things I’ve done but I can’t change now. Give me the clock, Dap.”

Dapper gasps and tries to draw himself away, but he is already trapped between Red’s arms, and his brother is wrestling with him over the clock in his hands.

spicydanhowell asked: red, i know you're scared, but you really do need to face this... your name is jackie, and he is jameson. i actually think... maybe you two should go to the magicians and help henrik. he's as scared as you are right now and they have food and medicine and its a safe place to stay where /anti will totally find you/. better than being on the run and filthy and sick. they could get meds for jameson plus henrik may have a parasite from the water, which means you two might as well. you should go :(

“A safe place, listen to them,” cries Red, tugging on his wrists. “Just calm down and maybe we can go to a safe place and you can have your medicine. Dapper, you have to give me the clock, you have to, you’re going to hurt yourself, you’re out of control.”

Dapper won’t remove his hands from the clock to speak. Red forces himself not to yank too hard, breathing heavy. Dapper makes a little “urk” sound and pitches forward again, and more blood splits up out of his mouth.

“Fuck, fuck! Dapper! I - do I call an ambulance? I can’t watch him die, no, no. Please tell me you don’t have to release this. Please, please. You’re not like Blue with his energy building up in his hands. Dapper, you can’t release time magic like this.”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Red, focus on taking care of yourself and Dap. Right now, it's you two against the world and you're doing so well with what ya got.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” chatters Red, tightening his grip and making Dapper wail with terror over his pretty silver clock. “I’m sorry, I’ve got to do this. I can’t love you, I’m not allowed, I have to be big brother, but soon I’m going to get you home to the others who do love you. I don’t care if you don’t like me but you have to give me this.”

He snatches the clock from Dapper’s hands.

Dapper stares at his own empty fingers, panting.

He looks up and his eyes are still silver.

“You’ve got to be fucking joking - ”

Anonymous asked: Jameson as much as we would love that to work, I don’t think it’s going to. What’s in the past is in the past, you can only build with the pieces that you have left. Yes, Jackie is still under all that trama and conditioning the same way Jameson is under all that Dapper is. But that doesn’t mean that they’ll be the same person when they resurface. Things like this changes people, you can’t expect something like that from him. It’s not fair.

Dapper is glowing like a star. It fills his whole face up.

“You’re right, I can’t expect so much from a ghost. It’s cruel of me to ask him to be the person he was so soon. Ghosts, ghosts? Do you see - the red hood, the blue mask? Want to go home, to see him? Summoned so much power, bad Dapper! Bad puppy! Too much, Jackie, help me, afraid! Do you see the red hood, the blue mask, the laughter on his face, where did it go, where did it go?”

Blue masks and red hoods. Red groans and closes his eyes against a faraway memory of himself, blue eyes beneath a blue mask. Jackieboyman!

“You’re dead,” he tells the memory. “You’re dead. I felt you die inside me.”

Anonymous asked: Don’t be scared, Red. It’s okay to remember. You’re okay and you’re doing great.

“No,” croaks Red, terrified, backing away as Dapper crumples, and the clock in his hands is suddenly burning, burning, but he will not let it go as it fills up, fills up, fills up with power. “What is happening? What the fuck is happening? Am I about to die? Dapper, please! You’re hurting yourself!”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Oh god....oh god oh god you gotta stop him, Red!

But it is too late for that now, and the power, like fire and plantlife on the top of a mountain where he once made his home, explodes.

The clock singes his hand and he screams, dropping it as a flood of silver water crashes over his head, disorienting him entirely, and he staggers about on the - this - this is not the carpeted floor of the hotel - he is torn asunder; he is torn jagged; he drowns. He’s in an ocean or a river and it’s tearing all around him and dragging him down and striking him against the rocks and it hurts and smells of blood and dust and water. Where and why and how and what, what the hell, what the fuck race through his head like dogs hunting rabbits and he can’t find the clarity to remember how to scream again; he is on his back, he is sideways, he is falling, he is on solid ground, he is on solid ground, he is -

Oh.

He actually is on solid ground.

You’re lying on the earth next to him, the chain of the clock in your line of sight.

Outside.

On green grass.

Warm sun. Pine trees like towers, breathing up towards the sky.

“What, what, what,” chants Red frantically, clawing at himself, thrashing his way to his knees. He is wearing sneakers and gym shorts and a clean, soft, weighted red hoodie, warm and comfy on his shoulders. His hair is brown without red. “What - Dapper! Dapper!”

He throws his head around, but Dapper is not there. Just the trees of the forest, and the fine blue sky, and there, if he turns his head -

A small, pretty house. At the door, someone is letting a fluffy white cat out.

“Jackie?” laughs Marvin, stepping down the stairs of the porch towards him. He has long hair, a strand of it braided back around his head, and his jewelry shines almost as bright as his clean, wide smile. “Why are you on the ground?”

whydoilovesomanyvillians asked: Oh no

“Oh no, oh no, oh no,” repeats Red frantically, reaching out to grab you and clutch you to his chest, panicked. He grabs the clock too and you see, as it passes, that the hands have turned from black to silver. As the first minute of the hour ticks by, that one little minute marker returns to black. “No, no, no, this isn’t happening.”

Anonymous asked: Red I’m like 99.9% sure Dapper just sent you to the past

“This is not real,” whispers Red, clutching at his hair, staring around him like he thought the sky was supposed to be pink instead of blue, and the trees were meant to be mountains. “This is not… this is not even South America, this… this…”

“Jackie?” Marvin is coming towards him now, a jog in his step displaying concern. “You okay?”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Red. Breathe. Please. This isn't good, but breathe.

“Breathe, breathe, breathe,” repeats Red unsteadily, staggering to his feet. For a second, he draws a long, calm breath.

And then he looks up and sees Marvin fully.

“Fuck,” he gasps, grabbing at his chest. “No, no, no! This isn’t right!”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Jackie?! You good?! Do NOT freak out!

“Okay, fine, okay, I’ve got to keep calm,” Red tells himself, clapping his hands together hard, once, twice, three times, good pressure. “Okay, you know what? This is fine. I can do this. It’s probably just a weird time thing and soon it will be over and this will have never happened.”

spicydanhowell asked: shh baby it's okay, you'll just be stuck here for a little bit. think of it like a dream ok? you and jamie are okay.

“Okay, it’s a dream,” chokes Red, turning away as Marvin comes up to him. “It’s a dream, it’s a dream.”

“Jackie?” murmurs Marvin, trying to put a hand on his shoulder, but Red turns and strikes it away, his pupils blown with panic. Marvin steps back, alarmed, his hands still out-stretched.

cest-mellow asked: red are you okay?? go talk to marvin and see what’s going on. do you see dapper ANYWHERE around? maybe he landed in a bush..?

“Maybe he is here somewhere,” he mumbles, darting towards the trees.

“Wha - Jackie!” Marvin hustles after him. “Stop, stop, what’s wrong?”

“Dapper!” whimpers Red, trotting into the forest and staring around him. “Dap, please, I’m sorry. Please whistle for me, can you hear me? Are you okay?”

Birds titter in the branches above his head and go flickering past him, making him startle. The trees are sighing as the wind rushes through them, shaking down green leaves and needles. A chipmunk skitters past his feet and leaps onto the roots of a tree to put its little paws in its mouth. It’s warm and the breeze is pleasant. The trees smell lovely and he can hear a river washing by.

“Jackie,” calls Marvin gently, circling around to approach him from the front this time, his hands out-stretched. Red’s breath catches in his throat, but he does not run away this time. “Jackie, I’m not going to touch you if you don’t want, but please tell me what’s going on. You’re starting to scare me.”

Anonymous asked: Jackie, it’s still Blue. It’s still Marvin. He’s your brother, you can trust him.

“Blue?” he whispers, choked. “Is it you?”

Marvin’s mouth opens and shuts, his eyebrows furrowed down.

“Um, it - it’s me, it’s Marvin. Is someone talking to you? Is - Jackie, did Anti do this?”

A rush of fear burns hot against Red’s face and he gasps, backing away. Marvin doesn’t trust Anti. Marvin doesn’t belong to Anti. Marvin can’t know about Anti, or he will try to make Red stop being with him.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry!” cries Marvin, alarmed by his distress. “I - we don’t have to mention him. It’s me, brother, it’s Marvin.”

For all that he does not want Anti, Red still knows him - knows his face, knows the way he steps, the way he wears his jewelry, the way he smiles and frowns, the brotherhood that exists even now between them. Blue, Blue, Blue! He’s missed him, he’s missed him, he’s so sorry for leaving him behind!

“Jackie, don’t cry,” whispers Marvin, stepping close again, resisting the urge to touch him. “Shit, bud, what happened, what is it? You can tell me anything. It’s going to be okay. I’ll make it right for you.”

No, no. He can’t tell him.

“Had - had a bad dream,” rasps Red, his hands shaking. “Just - got freaked out for a second.”

spicydanhowell asked: jackie, please just stay calm and let marvin help you all right? none of this will have consequences. you won't be here forever okay? just tell him that jamie sent you here from the future. let him help you.

None of this will have consequences, none of this will have consequences. Red bites down on his lip and keeps it as a mantra in his head. Let Marvin help you.

“Just needed to see you,” he chokes out.

“I’m here,” promises Marvin, stepping into his space. “I’m right here.”

Anonymous asked: Oh my god I’m going to cry. Red you better hug Marvin because I don’t know how long this is gonna last.

Red’s nails dig hard into the inside of his palm, and then, despite it all -

“Fuck, Marvin,” he sobs, and crumples onto his brother’s shoulder. Immediately, Marvin is hugging him, Marvin is squeezing his ribs and burying his face against Red’s hair, and it is him, it is him, for all that it is not him it’s still his Blue.

“I’m really sorry!” he cries, clutching at the soft green dress shirt he’s wearing. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

“Jackie, you didn’t do anything, you’re okay.”

“I left you behind! I’m sorry! You asked me to stay!”

“It was just a dream! Jackie, come on, deep breaths. It was just a dream. Right? Or is there something you need to tell me?”

Red groans and buries himself in his shoulder again.

“You need to take a breather. Lie down before the party. Come on, should we get inside?”

bupine asked: ooh, a party? party for what, i wonder?

Red glances at you, still holding you to his stomach, though Marvin is too interested in stroking his back and looking over him for strange injuries or signs of Anti to notice. “S-sorry, what party?”

“You were helping me cut strawberries just a couple hours ago. Izzy’s birthday?”

He doesn’t know who Izzy is. He swallows and tries to smile at Marvin, his mouth shaking. “Right, sorry…”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. Let’s just make sure you’re okay. Come on, we’re alright.”

He pulls Red towards the house. Red doesn’t know why the sight of it makes him afraid.

Maybe just because it’s so familiar.

He should remember it, but… he doesn’t. Someone took the memory from him. He knows. He squeezes his eyes shut.

He always knew there was a “before” and Anti had even told him he had been, at times, happy in it. Accepting that Anti did what he did for a reason - to wipe away the control of the old master, as he usually explained - Red had tried not to be bothered by it. He couldn’t remember it, anyway, so no use in dwelling. But to see it in real life?

He doesn’t think he wants it to be true. Just a dream, just a dream.

Anonymous asked: Red you really should tell Marvin what’s going on! He could help you figure everything out, maybe even find Dapper. For now anyways, you’re safe and in loving arms so don’t freak out too much okay? You’re safe.

Marvin opens the door and makes sure his shaking brother gets up the step, pulling him inside, still rubbing his shoulder. He’s more freaked out than he wants to admit. He’s been with Jackie through hard times before, but this is a new level of out-of-nowhere.

“Should I get Schneep or do you want to go to your room?”

Oh, fuck. He doesn’t know who anyone is. “I need to see - I need to see Dapper,” he says, clutching at straws. He could tell him, right?

Marvin blinks.

His hand drops away from his shoulder.

“Jackie,” he says, very carefully. “Why would you call him Dapper?”

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Red, be honest with Marvin. He seems to be just as confused as you are. Tell him what's going through your head. You can trust him.

Fuck, he’s going to be sick. He’s going to be sick. He doesn’t know anything anymore. He just wants - he just wants - he just -

He falls back onto Marvin’s shoulder, a low whimper falling out of his throat.

“Need to tell you something,” he chokes, as Marvin’s arms wrap around him once again.

“Should I get the others?”

“No, no, please…”

“Come on. We’re going to your room.”

They turn down the hallway directly to their right. Red hears someone laughing in the kitchen and the thunk of ceramics being arranged for lunch. The birds are singing and the windows are all open.

Marvin leads him to the room at the front of the hall, protecting all the others, closest to the entryway. Red stops short in front of it. There are papers pinned all over the door.

A newspaper clipping with a shadowy picture of a silhouette in a hood on the roof of a building. A child’s scrawled crayon picture with a little figure with black hair and a bigger figure dressed in red holding his hand. A receipt for fourteen one-pound bags of Starbursts. A picture of one of the others - or is it himself - being kissed by a huge white dog. A note that reads, “Jackie. You are very stupid. Fuck you. Take the aspirin I put on the table. I’m at work. All my fucking love, Schneep.”

Red’s mouth dries and his eyes water. Marvin puts his hand on the door, but Red reaches out to stop him.

“Wait,” he croaks. “Can we go to your room instead?”

“Don’t you want your lava lamp to watch and your heavy blanket and your cube and stuff?”

He shakes his head, backing away. He doesn’t own anything now. Marvin purses his lips, worried, and leads him one farther door down the hall, opening it up and letting Red slip inside.

Anonymous asked: Jackie is going to get way too overwhelmed. Bud, you need to communicate with Marvin. I know you’re scared but at least ask to go somewhere else that makes you a but more comfortable. And ask for Jamie, not Dap. Schneep is Dok and Chase is Trick. I believe Izzy is Chase’s daughter.

He tries to memorize all of it. The names don’t sound familiar at all to him. The only one he knew before he was separated from Anti was ‘Marvin,’ and that was a secret for him to keep.

Marvin knows Red is overwhelmed too. It’s why they spend a good five minutes just sitting together in silence next to his bed. Red closes his eyes and leans against his shoulder, running his hand over the thick grey rug on Marvin’s floor.

His room is nice and quiet and dark, and absolutely coated in plants. Vines surround the headboard of his bed and bloom up towards the ceiling, painted navy blue with stars on it. There’s a lamp shaped like a sun on his bedside table and three huge shelves full of flowers and herbs and vegetables and bonsai trees. He has a Night Vale poster and a cat bed on his windowsill. There’s a little drawer with a mirror scattered in jewelry and make-up and nail polish. He has pictures too, but instead of scrambled across his door or walls like Jackie’s, his are in small, starry picture frames arranged neatly on the far wall. It smells of lemon and smoky incense.

Red hates - more than he knows how to express, more than he knows how to put into words - just how much Blue would love to have a room like this.

He hates that.

He will never have a room like this.

And it’s Anti’s - it’s Anti’s -

“Fuck,” he whispers, hiding against Blue’s chest. “This isn’t right.”

“Tell me what’s happening,” says Blue, with urgency now. “Tell me.”

“I meant - I meant Jamie, not Dap.”

Blue breathes out a small sigh of relief.

“Okay… that’s a start. Why say Dap at all? You know he hates that. You have to be kind with him, you know small things can set him off. And he’s just starting to feel like Anti won’t catch him again.”

bupine asked: jackie, red, what time is this? what year? has dapper even been... created? if not, that could be why he's not here.

“What day is it?” croaks Red.

Marvin stares at him.

“Um. June… fourth, I think. Yeah, her birthday.”

Red rubs at his face.

“What… what year?”

Marvin breathes a low, nervous breath through his teeth. “Jackie…”

“Please, just…”

“If Anti’s in your head - ”

“Please, just tell me!”

Marvin stares at him. He doesn’t see any evil influence in him, but he doesn’t know exactly what that would look like anyway. There’s no way Anti could have come into his universe, is there?

“It’s 2018.”

cest-mellow asked: ohhh shoot dude! you gotta tell him what’s going on, let him help you out!

“I’m like five years in the past.” Red grabs his hair and tries to breathe.

“What?”

“I - I think I’m going to throw up, I don’t - ”

Marvin grabs his trash bin just in time for Red to rock forward and throw up something that tastes like fruit flavoring and bile. He’s never fucking eating Starbursts again. Wait, the last thing he ate was communion bread!

“Fuck you, past Red,” he groans, spitting sick out of his mouth. “You suck, man, you’re killing me.”

Marvin gives a bewildered, trembling quiver of a laugh. “I - I gotta get Schneep! What the fuck are you talking about, I - Henrik!”

Anonymous asked: Jackie now you really have to tell Marvin what’s happened. This is before Anti came right? You’ve got to warn them, even if this is a time line in which Anti doesn’t come, but you still have to do it. You were going to say it’s all Anti’s fault right? That all this got taken away from you guys? You owe it to them to try and preserve what’s left. Dapper gave you a second chance to save everyone, you’ve got to at least try to prevent it. Please.

“The only thing I should warn them about is the fact that they’re living under the control of a fucking monster!” cries Red, heaving. “They - they should go to Anti now!”

“Holy shit,” laughs Marvin, frantically freaked-out. “You’re - he’s - maybe you’re delusional too? Should we take you to Jameson’s psychiatrist? When did this start, are you - ? Here, I’ll go get Schneep, you - ”

“No,” cries Red, grabbing his sleeve. “No, stay here, please let me explain. I don’t know if I can, but I have to try.”

spicydanhowell asked: jackie, show marvin your camera. marvin: this version of jackie you're with right now was sent back in time. he's a few years older than you are now. some crazy things are going to happen in your future, okay? so jackie is just really confused and he's lost a lot of his memories. you should get him to lie down, and talk to him calmly for a while ok? tell him about your magical activities and stuff. your friends especially, ok? i'm sorry this is so strange.

“Yeah, I - I - ”

“What the hell are you looking at that thing for, Red? Where did you get a camera?”

“Listen, look, they’re trying to tell you - ”

Red pushes the camera into his hands and Marvin takes it nervously from him, his eyes scanning over the message. His mouth goes very tight, but suddenly he’s calm. He gets to his feet and Red startles, staring up at him, his hands reaching out for the camera.

“Blue?”

“Where are these messages coming from, Jackie?”

“They’re - they - they talk to me.”

“They talk to you? They tell you things? But you don’t know who they are? What sort of things do they tell you?”

“No, no, Blue, listen, please, they help me. They’re trying to help, they’re trying to help me look after Dapper and get back to - to…”

Red trails off, fear written over his face.

“To Anti?” croaks Marvin, backing away from him.

“No, no… you don’t understand!”

“Marv?” someone is calling from the hallway, their socked footsteps padding down the hall. “You good? I thought I heard shouting.”

“I’m getting this the fuck away from you,” gasps Marvin, holding you too tightly in his hands. “Jackie, it’s going to be okay, I’m going to fix this. Don’t listen to the messages anymore, we’re going to clear everything up.”

“Wait, no!”

Anonymous asked: You’re not a monster and if it takes us telling you that every time you make that claim then we’ll do it. You’re not Anti, you’re not a monster, you’re a human that makes mistakes and hard choices to take care of everyone else, right? Just relax.

“He’s the monster!” cries Red, leaping to his feet and making Marvin startle back. The door opens behind you and Marvin and someone gasps, alarmed. You shake in Marvin’s hands. “I wasn’t talking about myself! Maybe I wasn’t a monster back in this time, but the old master is using you and doing horrible things and making horrible things true! The old master - the creator! He’s why Dapper’s sick and Trick’s suicidal and why Anti is always lashing out at me! You are living under the control of a fucking monster!”

“Jackie?” cries a voice like Trick’s, terrified. “Marv?”

“Chase, stay back, something’s wrong. Go get your brothers!”

whydoilovesomanyvillians asked: Jackie you should tell him everything

“I’m from the future!” he cries. “I don’t know how, Dapper did something, he was overwhelmed and I wasn’t enough to calm him down, I’m not a good brother to him! But I’m here now, right? Listen, listen, please don’t look at me like that! You don’t understand what Anti is. I know he seems scary but then he’s okay once he shows you what you’ve been missing.”

“You sound - you sound - you - you.” Chase stammers violently, tucked behind Marvin‘s back. “Sound like you’re in a fucking c-c-cult!”

“Please,” begs Red, realizing he scared them by shouting. He falls back to the floor, the same way he shows submission to Anti, and clutches his hands together on his heart. “I’m sorry, I’m scared, please don’t give me to your master.”

“No one is going to hurt you,” swears Marvin, stepping forward a little again. “No one, I promise, I promise. I won’t let anything hurt you. I’m just worried about you. You don’t sound like yourself.”

“What’s happening?” comes an urgent voice behind them, accented German.

“Jackie’s talking about Anti!”

“He was on the ground outside, freaking out, and now he says this camera is talking to him.”

“Don’t look into the lens. Jackie, come here, let good doctor have look at you.”

Henrik moves fearlessly into your line of sight and Jackie’s space, crouching down beside him and taking his head in his hands. Weepy and exhausted, Red doesn’t protest.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: Marvin! Pay attention! Be on your guard!

“It can see us,” whispers Chase, holding on to Marvin’s shoulder. “Can he see us?”

whydoilovesomanyvillians asked: I have no idea were from the future like jackie said

“Great,” whispers Chase, staring at you. “This is wonderful, wonderful. Hey, let’s see if the kids can get here a little earlier, shall we? This all seems extremely safe.”

“Don’t look at it, amata, you could get hypnotized.”

aamayay asked: Jackie, calm down! Marvin is going to give back the camera, alright? So that the stress can be expelled and we can have a group discussion, peacefully, okay? Please, Marvin, hear him out. I know you don’t trust us and I mean you’re definitely not the first, the magicians in Peru were the same, but just give us a chance? We’re trying to help, let us prove it to you.

“No, no way,” laughs Marvin. “Fuck you, Anti.”

“Marv, we should destroy it.”

“I could melt it down right here.”

“No, please don’t!” shrieks Red, suddenly thrashing out of Henrik’s hands. “Please, no, anything but that, he’ll never find me if you do!”

“Sounds like a compelling reason to burn it to plastic.”

“Don’t do it when he’s this upset!” Henrik cuts him off. “Stop it, just listen to him! Neither of you know what it’s like to be under Anti’s control. Neither of you have the first fucking idea. Pray to God you never do.”

Marvin and Chase shut up.

pixie-in-trebleland asked: I don't think Anti can see you??? We're trying to help you all. Your future is TWISTED.

“Look, it - it doesn’t even matter what you say,” growls Marvin, closing his eyes, trying to think. “Jameson can’t throw people years back in time! He can reverse a day or two once or twice. And magic doesn’t do this, fuck knows what Jamie even is to be able to do even a little time travel.”

“Yeah, Jamie can’t just go for a walk back years and years, and he definitely can’t send someone else back,” agrees Chase. He’s the only one who ever remembers the change. You can catch him when he’s being sneaky if his eyes are silver though, ha. But he doesn’t work like what you’re saying. Right, Jaimer?”

Red freezes and opens his eyes. Everyone turns, and Marvin takes the camera with him.

A small, tidy young man with huge grey-blue eyes stares back at you from the very edge of the doorway, his eyes wide but not afraid, just a little nervous. He stands in the shadows outside the room, gripping the doorframe. He wears a soft button-up shirt and jeans, his hair combed neatly down. On one wrist, he wears a small brown watch, but on the other you can see the thick outline of heavy, lacing string-scars.

“Dapper?” whispers Red. “Please…”

Jameson flinches and backs away, pausing only a second before he turns to dart away. Marvin lets out a deep sigh.

Anonymous asked: Marvin, you really do need to trust us. We’re not on anti’s side- in fact, we’ve been actively trying to get him away from anti- but we’ve been with Jackie this whole time, through everything he’s been through. He’s extremely confused and in his future, Anti had all of you brainwashed and under his control and made you go by different names, which is why he’s so desperate to get back. He’s just confused, please don’t jump to conclusions right now -its-ethan-bro

Marvin stares at you. Chase tries to peek over at the screen but Marvin holds it away from him, his eyes filling up with an emotion you don’t recognize. Maybe fear. Maybe distrust. Maybe a lot of different things, none of them comforting.

He shakes his head very slightly. The breath seems to slide out of him.

Anonymous asked: Thank GOD for Henrik. Marvin can you do some type of spell to hide the signal from the camera? The magicians did that for Dok’s camera, maybe you can do it for his? Then Anti won’t be able to find you guys.

“That - that sounds like really complicated magic. This place, though - it was supposed to be safe from Anti. I’ve put up every ward in the book, I hid it under every disguise I could find, in fact it’s not even - ”

Marvin remembers who could be listening to him and abruptly cuts himself off.

“Might have been a seizure,” murmurs Henrik, running his hands across Red’s head. “Or a concussion. But the things he’s saying… he was fine yesterday, I thought?”

“He was, he was. I would have noticed if he had been like this.”

bupine asked: marvin, chase, henrik. in the future, anti kidnaps each of you and fucks with your minds. he renames you, takes your memories and conditions you to be his. he renames marvin "blue," henrik "dok," chase "trickshot," jameson "dapper," and jackie "red." this version of jackie is from five years in the future. now, this is important. where is jameson? do you know? we need to know he's ok, he wasn't coping well when he sent himself and jackie to the future.

Marvin’s air is gone. He’s ushered Chase to sit down with Henrik and Red so he can watch over all three of them at a time, and none of them have to see this.

Because it can’t be true. It can’t be. And if it is… they shouldn’t be the ones burdened to know about it.

“You’re all liars,” he whispers, covering his mouth, and then his eyes, and then his heart. But still he answers: “Jameson is here with us and you will never get your hands on him again. He’s fine, he’s doing better… much better these days. He told me he’s going to learn to be happy and independent just to fucking spite you. He’s tough, tough as nails. You’re not going to take him from me again. I can hide them. I have to hide all of them…”

florenceisfalling asked: marvin, you don't have much time with him, i don't think. please just try to show him that its okay here, that no one's hurt and everyone is happy. please. he needs to remember that.

Marvin closes his eyes. Breathes in, breathes out. He doesn’t know what’s happening, but he has more important things to worry about. And you’re right, he knows - his big brother - his friend - he doesn’t feel safe. Maybe he hasn’t felt safe for a long time, and Marv just didn’t notice. Or maybe it’s true. And this - this moment in time - is his only chance to give him a little comfort in the middle of his hell. What he wouldn’t give to have an hour to go back to Jameson and hold him while he was a puppet, tell him he would be free someday and that people would love him and he wouldn’t have to act like a pet. Or to curl up around Henrik’s freezing body as Anti beat him, and protect him from just one blow.

He gets to his knees and puts his hand on Red’s knees, drumming a soothing rhythm against his thigh.

“Okay,” he whispers, as Henrik’s gloved, soothing hands begin to calm Red down. “We’re okay. We’re okay. Nobody’s getting hurt, everybody’s good. You’re okay. I love you, Jackie.”

Red seems to bow over himself. Chase scoots close too and wraps his arms around him and squeezes, warm and steady.

“Everything is okay,” says Chase.

“Yeah,” murmurs Marvin. “In fact - well, it’s better than okay. Chase gets Izzy for her birthday today.”

Chase’s mouth blooms with a smile and he snuggles against Red’s shoulder, humming.

“And Jameson stopped hallucinating last week and he says the paranoia’s manageable. He’s talking about getting a job.”

“He’s gained his weight back,” adds Henrik.

“And Henrik, too,” grins Marvin, making his brother blush. “Henrik is seeing his therapist… and a new girl.”

Henrik reddens even worse, grumbling beneath his breath.

Red hides his eyes from them. If they can’t see him, he can pretend he’s not listening. He can pretend he’s not wishing for a life like this.

Anonymous asked: Y’know, that’s completely fair. But Anti is far worse then a cult and the stuff that’s happened is not great at all, trust us. I mean you see it right? You see Jackie? He doesn’t seem in the best shape now does he? You wanna figure out what happened? You’re going to have to listen to us to figure it out or give the camera back to Jackie. I know this is scary...but you have to trust us. That’s how we helped you in the past...or well the future.

“Please, please.” Red squeezes his eyes shut and reaches blindly for the camera, for Marvin, clutching at his sleeves. “Please, give it back to me, they’re my… they help me, I need them. They’re… they’re nice to me. They even kind of like me, even though, I’m… me. I can’t lose that…”

“Shit, fuck,” whispers Marvin, staring between the camera and Red.

“I can see it from here,” murmurs Henrik. “If something starts happening I’ll take it again.”

Marvin presses the camera into Red’s hands again. He relaxes with a groan, curling slightly in on himself.

“Hey, this does look like Jamie’s watch!” Chase picks up the little circle of silver beside him, blinking. “It’s like, a quarter silver. That’s cool, is it a timer?”

Anonymous asked: Easy, Red. It’s okay. Just deep breaths and start from the beginning. Whatever you can remember. It’s okay.

“I don’t remember anything,” whispers Red. “Until a few months ago. I woke up and you were beside me, Marvin. And that was all that I knew…”

Marvin presses down on his knee. Lets up. Presses down. Lets up. Presses down.

“I’m… I dream, sometimes, about leaving him, but that just makes it harder to wake up and realize I never can…”

Henrik gives a sudden shiver, drawing slightly back from him. Chase reaches out to touch his hand.

Anonymous asked: Take a good look at your brothers, Red. Look at how bright their eyes are, how clean they are, how healthy they look. See how there's no blood on them, no wounds, how their clothes are well-fitting and clean. Look around at the house they're in, how it's bright and lovingly decorated. Look at how they care about each other (and you!) and listen to each other. This is what Anti took from you. This is what Anti destroyed. Are you sure you want him back?

Henrik runs the latex of his gloves across Red’s chest, looking for abnormalities, and Red has a vague memory of holding still and snapping the latex gloves playfully while Henrik examined him. It is too calm a memory to have come from the last few months, he knows. Henrik looks well, a nice color to his usually morbidly pale cheeks, and he’s even strong, Red thinks, running his eyes over his body. Like he’s been allowed to run, to work out. Dok wouldn’t do that, would he? He’s something of a genius, sure, and he’s a good healer, but Red can’t imagine him doing anything else, being anyone other than Doktor. Going for runs? Helping make the cake for his niece’s birthday party? Pushing past Marvin and examining Red so calmly, with his own authority, his own confidence? Where’s the tremble in his wrists gone? Where are the dead-eyed breakdowns where he’s so numb Trick has to feed him?

He really lived like this, once? They all did? Marvin with his long, neat hair, jewelry he picked out for himself, a room full of plants? He doesn’t have to hide his magic or sneak around to make sure everyone gets fed. He doesn’t have to wait for a safe time to visit and hug his brothers. No one locks him in this room at night. He has cats. Red thought Blue hated cats. And Trick - he can’t remember the last time Trick hugged him. Maybe… maybe never, in his memory. Why would he? He’s the bottom of the pack and Red is at the top. All they do is avoid each other, or sometimes Red slaps him. But this Chase is curled up beside him, warm and unafraid, holding his shoulders. They think he’s hypnotized and they still trust him not to hurt them.

They were wrong about that, he supposes. Maybe they didn’t really know who he was. Maybe Jackie himself didn’t know who he was. Or maybe he wasn’t that person back then, but he is now, and looks down at Chase’s downy head on his shoulder, and knows that he will hit this person, and call him stupid, and useless, and a waste of space, and that Chase will run scampering when he hears his footsteps.

The thought of it was already horrible when he was living in a broken-down medical building and knew that Trickshot was going to be miserable one way or another, but to know that he could be safe and happy - to know that they could all be safe and happy and trust each other -

His brain is shorting out on him. He goes dead quiet, slumping against the bed, unable to talk anymore.

bupine asked: red, look around. you're happy in this timeline, happier than you were with anti. happy and warm and free. this is what you need. anti isn't. you have to face facts, jackie.

He just wishes Anti would be a part of this with him. He isn’t ready to let him go. But he wants this and he always has. He just buried the secret down deep, deep inside him. Strange… he doesn’t know when wanting to be happy became his darkest secret.

“More of the clock is changing,” says Chase. Marvin leans over to take it from him, frowning quizzically.

“Some water?” offers Henrik gently, pre-occupied with his patient. Red nods slowly, sniffling. He wants to be hugged and looked after and taken care of. He wants to be the little brother too sometimes.

nikkilbook asked: When the fire started on the river, Red and Dap almost didn’t make it. We we finally able to convince Red to head for the water, but then the current carried them away from you. I think Red thinks you are angry with him. Honestly, I think he thinks EVERYONE is angry with him. He misses you, but I’m not sure he feels like he’s allowed to.

Red has a glass of water and a little turkey sandwich that Chase makes him. He knows his stomach will change if he time-travels again, but he can’t help it. His brain is starving to eat even if Jackie’s body was full. He sits and lets big hot tears come rolling down his cheeks, and Henrik and Chase retreat to give him some space and murmur in the hall, and Marvin lies down beside him just like Blue would.

“Can I ask you something?” whispers Red, when he has a little calm back.

The silver on the clock is getting very thin.

“Anything,” whispers Marvin, who loves him even if he doesn’t understand.

“Was I really a hero?”

“Yes.” He strokes his hand across his big brother’s shoulder, squeezing tight, tight. “You are. You save lives. You stand up for people. Fight for what’s right. You’re a good hero. A good brother. A good man.”

Red stares at him like he’s starving for something more than turkey and lettuce and whole grain wheat.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” whispers Marvin. “But whatever happens? Whatever is coming? Jackie, we will get through it together. Okay?”

He wants it to be true. He wants it, suddenly, to not be a dream. He wants to stay with Marvin and he wants to fight for this life while it still exists, before everything changes.

“Okay,” he whispers, as the last dregs of Jameson’s power slip out of the watch.

“Promise me,” says Marvin, says Blue, says his brother, says his twin. “Whatever happens, you’re not leaving me behind. You’re going to stay with me. You’re not going to try to fight it alone. You don’t get to leave me behind. I know you. If you find a way to stop this - if you find a fight to fight - if you get a chance to save someone - you don’t get to do it alone. Do you understand? You and me, Jackie. You and me. Promise me. We can keep each other safe if we’re together. Promise.”

Something small and taut and cold hurts its way down Jackie’s chest.

And then he is gone.

The silver river comes back -

And he cries out again, thrashing -

And then he is on the filthy floor of a cheap motel, shaking like he’s been shot, and Dapper is unconscious against the wall beside him, blood dripping from his nose.

————-

“Maybe I am angry with him,” says Blue, very softly, in a hospital on the other side of the world, stroking Trick’s hair as he sleeps across his legs. “Maybe he should feel bad. I asked him to stay. I needed him to stay. He left me behind again.”

End Section Three of Chapter Three: JJ’s Secret

#writers of jack #chapter three

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