#anyway i just wanted to ramble bc I've been playing A LOT these past few days

[chemicalbrew]

I finally feel like I have most of the choices in my ot2 party figured out, I got all secret jobs (the priestess fight was wild lol), I cleared like 85% of the side quests and all four stories of my main party... and the main party is like 63-67 and secondary is 51-55...

but I still think the postgame would wreck me. the lack of confidence I have in my understanding of the game 90 hours in is astounding LOL

[milo-is-rambling]

I think part of the reason I over exaggerate my place in other peoples lives is because i see everyone around me as a specific aesthetic/vibe and I start to make subconscious assumptions about the way you "should" act based on the clues I have put together from what I've been told about you and where I've filled in the gaps of things you probably do but that causes me to mix up the real things like feelings and attraction because I either end up loving this idea I've created of who you are with all these added fake pros and cons or I end up becoming obsessed with you because im trying so hard to keep things clear as to what is real or not and then you end up being weirded out anyways. It's so hard to form real relationships with people because in the beginning of a friendship I can usually make you a Pinterest board and a playlist and concoct a bunch of things that equal you in my brain so I know what to send you memes of or see things that remind me of you constantly and that's so fun when you're first talking to me and either we grow close enough that me doing that actively keeps us in contact bc we always have something to talk about or our friendship falls apart and I'm left with all these pictures songs and subjects that remind me of you and hurt every time I see them and it's such a shitty feelings because all of my friendships end becuase i care too much and can't give people space to breathe. I just hate hate hate hate hate being uncertain of my place in peoples lives it's absolutely soul crushing to me I'd rather have someone have the balls to tell their real thoughts and feelings about me even if it hurts than have someone ghost me and play pretend and slowly creep away from me like they're afraid of me when I try so fucking hard to make a full safe environment for someone but that loops back to my crazy finding your specific aesthetic thing cause that can be overwhelming and scary but I usually ask first and I definitely offer to show someone their Pinterest board or playlist and every person I've shown has been excited to see their aesthetic and see how accurate it is and it's been positive but then people end up leaving anyways and it just fucks with my brain and I know I have so many issues but like fuck man I have so much fucking admiration for everyone I've ever been friends with even if I'm fucking bitter about how things ended and that they couldn't just be straight up with me (and bitter that my last few friendships ended with me saying "look man are we friends or not I need a straight answer cause I'm not gonna keep putting effort into being your friend if you don't want me to be your friend anymore") I still admire them so much but do I admire them as a person (who was shitty to me in real life) or do I admire them as this idealized person I created in my brain (even the idealized person has flaws tho. Like even in my brain they appear human and normal and flawed and I still love them and want them regardless and it's almost like I prepare myself to be hurt in certain ways and then they always find new ways to hurt me I haven't thought of yet) it's almost like I'm willing to look past the shitty ways you treated me in real life because at least I have this fake version and it's cool to talk to someone the fake version was made for and then it's like I'd rather keep this perfect version in my brain where everything's predictable and people dont randomly change their mind or act nice and then change and act horrible and like feelings dont get hurt in my brain that only ever happens in real life and I dont like it I'm very tired of it I just want everyone to do what I think constantly like I'm playing Barbie's as a child. Everyone should behave the way people should and stop being mean to everyone else always and if you are mean you should do it in a good way that only my brain decided was the good way.

oh I am mentally ill god damn I wrote a lot more than I meant to I'm sorry man I'm high and brain rambly doing self therapy. I think playing the sims so much has made me crave being a sim more than anything ever cause I just fucking want hygiene and hunger and sleep bars so so so bad tell me when I have to shower and eat and sleep I cannot keep track of these things my brain does not have these alarms on it's own I have to remember to do all the things it's the worst. But I also want the plus and minus people bars over my head. Show up and tell me if I'm succeeding or failing this human Interaction and let me find the button I have to press to do the thing to make you like me. Tell joke about vampires? Will that make you like me? How many times can I press it before we become good friends or best friends? Can I click the tell funny story button until you like me? Please please please please please someone find me worthy of being a person I'm so tired of fighting the neurotypical world I just want to sleep and play the sims and smoke and play the sims and eat and smoke and sleep and play the sims and listen to music and have magic levitating +/- people points over every conversation I have ever

[rollercoasterwords]

hi! no pressure at all, this is just my curiosity getting the best of me, but I was wondering if you’re planning to eventually write more in the atyd another perspective series? It’s feeding my soul hahah. also if you have any writing advice for people just starting out? thank you sm and I absolutely love all your work, the hand that feeds is consuming me atm!

hi thank u so much i'm so glad u enjoyed sirius's pov + that ur enjoying the hand that feeds!! 💖

i do still have a few oneshots that i eventually want to get to in the atyd another perspective series, but i honestly have no idea when i'm going to get around to writing them just bc there are other projects holding my focus rn, so i'm basically just considering it on hold indefinitely :)

and i've already talked a little about writing advice in this post, but i feel like i got very rambly over there so i'm gonna try and be more concise here:

(first - a disclaimer: i’ve never really studied english and am by no means a creative writing expert, so i’m not the best person to give advice about like...technical aspects of writing. the advice that i do have to offer has more to do with mindset!)

1 - no writing is bad writing! writing is just like any other creative pursuit -- playing an instrument, painting, drawing, etc. the more you practice, the better you’ll get. especially if you’re just starting out, try not to beat yourself up if your stories don’t come out the way you want them to. any piece of writing you create -- no matter how cliche or full of grammatical errors or boring or incoherent it might be -- is you practicing + learning + growing as a writer. focus on having fun with the process and try not to beat yourself up if you aren’t reaching, like, ~writing perfection~ (bc perfection in writing doesn’t exist anyway!)

2 - you’re not selling a product, you’re sitting around a campfire. i genuinely feel like that’s the best way i can summarize this point lmao

what i’m trying to say here is that i think it’s really easy to get into this capitalist-brainwashing-induced mindset that anything you create is a product for consumption. this leads to a lot of pressure to not only create at an unsustainably fast pace, but it means that if your audience doesn’t like the product, or if there’s not a large audience coming to consume the product, it’s easy to feel like a failure.

but that’s not what writing is about!! writing is about storytelling and the communities it can build and the joy of imagination!! good writing is messy and stupid and fun and driven by emotion, not capital gain (at least, in my opinion)! if there is even one person who wants to sit around the proverbial campfire with you and listen to your story, that’s so exciting!! if you’re at the campfire by yourself looking up the stars and hanging out with a bunch of funky little characters in your head, that’s so much fun!! this mindset shift has been the most helpful thing for me personally when it comes to writing, because in the past i really felt like writing wasn’t really worth the time unless i was working towards the ultimate goal of publication. now that i’m writing purely for the fun of it, and writing stories that i enjoy, regardless of whether i think they’ll appeal to a broad audience, it’s like the floodgates have been opened and suddenly writing isn’t a chore or a burden but just something that i truly, truly love -- and also something that has helped me plug into a community of other people who write for the joy of writing, and i truly think that is so special and unique in this day and age <3

[gra-sonas]

Hi! Can I just say that the thing I'm most thankful for today is you and your blog. It's literally the onlu tumblr I check every single day without fail & especially in times of turmoil your positivity just brings this peace. I'll be the 1st to admit that I'm not a fan of CAM, to say that I've disliked her since TVD is putting it mildly, but I just came from another blog and saw all these posts listing her faults. I know she's not perfect and I don't even like her but those posts weighed me down

2 so I just went back to your blog to reread all your positive response and I just wanted to say thank you. I didn't even expect to feel bad bec of criticism of CAM bec they were very valid points. But hammering it out after all these time is just heavy om the heart. I feel like what we need to do now is to move forward and heal and put her behind us. So I'm looking forward to any positive feeling or thoughts you'll be willing to share with us. You are a force of good and I'm sending you love

Goodness, I’ve received so much love yesterday, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed that this continues. 😳Your message made me smile tho, and I thank you for your kind words, nonnie! It makes me happy to know that my blog brings you some comfort. ❤️❤️❤️

Ngl, we’ve had a bit of a rough year. First the S1 finale debacle, then a very long hiatus that left the fandom fractured, followed by a rather underwhelming season 2 - it’s no surprise that there’s currently a lot of bitterness being voiced, especially since CAM contributed in different, and sometimes quite significant ways to what’s upset people. Believe me, I too am still bitter about quite a few things.

But I don’t want to let that bitterness consume me, I don’t want to dwell on it, especially now, when there’s a clean cut and a somewhat promising future on the horizon. 

For my own peace of mind, I want to focus on positivity, the possibilities, and all the things I LOVE about the show and its characters. Because there’s still so much I love about RNM (the reason why I’m still here, even tho I didn’t watch S2). S3 won’t be on our screens for another year, and I’d rather try and enjoy the time as much as I can (I don’t want another hellatus...).

I got a lot of asks the night when news broke that she’d leave the show (more than 50 👀), and quite a few of them pointed out negative things about her, listed rumors about her behavior (some dating back to times prior to RNM), mentioned rude comments she’s made, stuff like that. And I’m okay with people sending me these kinds of asks (I get it, sometimes it just feels good to blow off steam). 

I didn’t publish them tho, bc like you, the negativity tends to weigh me down, and I don’t want to amplify it.

Tbh, I’m just really tired of being weighed down by negativity. The show did that to me for the longest time (especially the last couple of months), and CAM definitely did play her part in that. But she’s gone now, and I’m more than ready to move on. 

There’s nothing we can change about the past 2 seasons, none of the mistakes or writing choices that were made can be undone. Canon is what it is (minus that scene, I refuse to acknowledge its existence), and I more than understand that not everyone’s ready to move on yet, that some of that bitterness has to get out first, be discussed and maybe rehashed a couple more times - all in order to eventually let it go. 

I want to focus on the good things from now on tho. I want to fangirl, read fic,  write fic (haha, as if my muse would let me 😒DEAR MUSE, I HAVE A BIG BANG TO WRITE, PLS DON’T MAKE IT SO HARD FOR ME), make gifs, perhaps rewatch some S1 scenes. I want to swoon over Tyler, laugh at Vlamis, slowly get excited about S3 around the time they return to Santa Fe - just nurture the little seed of hope that things will be better next season.

I really do feel a lot more hopeful now. I’m not as anxious anymore, I don’t dread thinking about the future of the show like I used to. I’m well aware that even with a new show runner things can go sideways. Chris Hollier isn’t some savior who’s gonna magically fix all past mistakes and will never make any of his own.

He just seems a little less unpredictable, a little less “vindictive”, and a lot less thriving on misery, all things I appreciate. He’s also not constantly on social media to either “spy” on what fans are talking about, or barging in to “correct” us when we supposedly focus on the “wrong” things.

We may have lost the hot wire connection to the show runner, but imo that can be an advantage. I’m sure regardless of him not monitoring fan activity on Twitter and Tumblr 24/7, Chris is well aware of how important Malex are to fans, and he knows how important they are to Tyler and Vlamis. I believe he also knows about all the grievances fans have regarding making PoC the villains, mistreating Maria, sidelining characters, and so on.

He doesn’t have to be on social media to be aware of these things (many of the RNM writers are on social media, it would be a miracle if they didn’t talk about stuff like that in the writers room), and I hope he’s gonna fix some of the more glaring issues, and hopefully he’ll refrain from fucking up Malex (I believe they are in good hands with him tho).

Anyway, this got long and super rambly. Sorry, must’ve been something in the water this morning xD 

Here’s to a mostly enjoyable hiatus, what I can do to make it a little more silly and fun, I’ll do. ✨💚👽

[valentinesparda]

🎫 here's a gush pass ^^ feel free to gush about whichever f/o you want, however much you want, then send this ask to 3 other selfshippers

@lunaeloves oh lucky you I just woke up from a lil nap before I'm gonna end up going to my friend's apartment later tonight and I - predictably - cannot stop thinking about like 6 different f/os right now but I'm gonna edge towards some good eldritch babes (and some not-eldritch babes) for this SUPER LONG RAMBLING ASK IM SORRY IN ADVANCE

first of all, since I haven't stopped playing it on repeat for the past two days, The Baddest preview dropped so I'm obligated to touch on evelynn (or more accurately I would love to touch on evelynn but that's neither here nor there), and whew boy do I love women. and eldritch beings. I f/o quite a few of those now, too. the only disappointing part is how short her section in the song actually is. anyways hello have you not seen my wife?? you're gonna!!

I haven't stopped thinking about this new outfit since I saw it. shes called "the diva" for God's sake. her stupid diamond encrusted claw rings only on the middle finger are making me lose it in the gayest way possible. the cheeky over-top-of-the-sunglasses stare is gonna put me in an early grave. have I talked about how her eyes are like a sunset?? or how her hair looks so soft and long and I want nothing more than to run my fingers through it because this is the longest I think her hair has ever been?? I'm legally not allowed to open my mouth about the open low neckline she has going on there but anyways ms evelynn leagueoflegends please dm me I have feelings for you and there's a lot of them

okay on to the next one which....thinking about writing This gush is making me feel like this rn

bc I haven't really gushed about him yet but boy is it time

so. can we talk about hellsing alucard. can we talk about how cool he is. will you allow me this moment of time in this day to let me try to coherently string a line of thought that isn't just me garbling uncontrollably about this funky eldritch boy?? lets observe shall we--

listen. I fully went into watching hellsing ultimate for the first time just thinking he was like. okay. I was highkey only in it for Sir Integra (still am please dm me ma'am) and then by the midway point in ova episode 2 I was like "okay maybe he's kinda cool" and then by the END of said episode when he is absolutely feasting upon luke valentine's dumb ass and he first activates his protocol or whatever I'm still half asleep I ended up kinda jumping around the entire time just having a GREAT time watching the anime and you can ASK my friends for confirmation on this I could not shut up.

[ side note uh I love jan valentine?? bitch sucks but oh my God is he not the most entertaining character I've met so far, he beats out rip van winkle who I thought just from their look that I would adore but surprise!! go listen to PREY FOR ME/3 by FEVER 333 for an excellent jan valentine song. no I will Not shut up ]

alucard is....he's so goddamn cool?? he's batshit insane for seemingly no reason and over the top and he's FUNNY!! there's something incredibly endearing about him being a vampire in the late 90's who literally just like. does That?? I can't fully explain my thoughts because we would be here longer than we have been and it's complicated right now without me fully experiencing his character and being able to pick him apart outside of the reader inserts I've been reading lmao. it'll probably get worse as I watch the anime and develop more thoughts and feelings. also I've already talked about this on Twitter but his LOOK IN THE BEGINNING OF OVA EP 3?? HELLO????

god I fucking love you. you're so greasy and weird and creepy and fun and I'm GOING to make out with you

coughs. anyways.

i can also say that I've been wholeheartedly avoiding spoilers for the rest of the anime since I stopped on episode 4 WHICH I ALSO ENJOYED IMMENSELY BECAUSE HE HAS A BLACKBIRD?? A CUSTOMIZED HELLSING ORGANIZATION SR-71?? THIS DECADES OLD VAMPIRE EXISTING IN 1999 HAS HIS OWN PERSONAL MILITARY AIRCRAFT AND KNOWS HOW TO FLY IT?? HE CRASHES IT INTO A NAZI SHIP?? EVERYTHING HE RUINS TURNS INTO A BURNING CROSS!! HE ABSOLUTELY EVISCERATED EVERYONE ON THAT SHIP AND IT HAD ME LOSING MY MIND. I'm excited to be able to continue watching the anime and eventually finish it so that I can continue to be a stupid little pansexual mess of a goth

honorable mentions go to sir integra who I would be willing to cross oceans to just have her reject my marriage proposal and possibly have her threaten me with her saber or her gun idc whichever one is more convenient for her at the time. I just want her to slow dance with me in the moonlight and dip me down low in a kiss that we shouldn't be sharing

and pip bernadotte who is Such a good boy and I am going to hold his face in my hands and kiss and compliment him until he is nothing but a melted pile of affection and then braid his hair with ribbons and flowers and all of that wonderful stuff while he talks about everything he's ever experienced in life

okay thank you for reading and GOOD NIGHT LAS VEGAS!!!! *smashes a glass plate before I can be booed off the stage*

[words-writ-in-starlight]

hi, it's the adhd anon again. according to the dsm-v, i think i have it, which is weird bc i've never seen myself as having more trouble than others. (my grades are better than almost anyone else in my grade.) (although that might just be bc i'm interested in what's being taught - when something's not interesting or too hard, i have a pretty hard time doing it.) anyway, if it's not too much trouble, what does feel like to stim/hyperfixtate for you? (i'm so sorry to bother you in advance)

Hey, dude, welcome back!  So, okay, first things first: the stereotype of someone with ADHD automatically doing terribly in school is based heavily on the original diagnostic criteria, which categorized ADHD strictly in terms of “young hyperactive white boy who has violent outbursts and/or disciplinary problems and Just Doesn’t Do Well in academics.”  And there are people who manifest ADHD like that, it’s a stereotype with roots in reality--a lot of people with ADHD either consistently struggle with academics or eventually reach a point where their previous focusing techniques fail them.

However.

I left high school for college two years early, and if I hadn’t, I would probably been valedictorian of the graduating class, because I had a GPA well above 4.0 due to my general habit of doing extra credit whenever it was offered.  In college, I had a reputation for turning in beautifully complete lab reports and essays five pages over the minimum requirement.  I got high honors on my thesis, graduated magna cum laude, and finished a pre-medical major in half the recommended time period.  When I was a kid, the phrase “savant syndrome” got thrown around a lot, to give you some context.

On the other hand, I manifest a lot of those stereotypical ADHD symptoms: I’m loud, I interrupt people a lot, I have erratic and overwhelming mood swings that I struggle to control, I fidget incessantly and can’t stand silence, I have a tendency to get destructive when I’m angry, I have managed to seriously injure myself because I couldn’t resist a stupid impulse more than once, and if we’re all being honest, I would never have graduated high school at all, because I was on the brink of expulsion for getting into fights during class periods.  

It’s easy to feel like “I never really struggled academically” is somehow a counterargument to any and all symptoms of ADHD that you might manifest, but it’s really not.  (Heck, sometimes ADHD is even helpful--I finished my thesis a full week before anyone else and had time to fix my citations, mostly because my ADHD responds well to pressure and that crunch time hyperfocus Had My Back.)  It might take time for you to come to terms with this idea, and that’s okay!  But try to at least consider it.

All that being said, I am actually gonna answer your question, I just got distracted because the amount of time I spent making the statement “I’m faking having ADHD because I did well in school” is mindblowing and I have a Thing about it.  Forgive my ramble.

Stimming: I’m going to answer this first because the answer is going to be the most useless.  The ways I stim tend to be vocal/auditory stuff (I talk a lot when I’m alone, I sing and play music when I’m doing menial tasks, if I’m really anxious I’ll hum a single note until I calm down) or tactile stuff (sometimes destructive things like scratching my arms, sometimes neutral stuff like tapping my fingers in specific patterns or rubbing my palms over my jeans or the leather of a jacket or something).  It’s mostly things that ‘pass’ for neurotypical with very few exceptions, because I trained myself out of a lot of my ‘non-passing’ stims (rocking back and forth, knocking into walls, hand-flapping, that sort of thing) really young.  As for what it feels like to stim, it’s just...good.  It’s sort of like the brain equivalent of running your hand the right way along velvet, and discovering that you’ve been rubbing it backwards all along.  Or like the equivalent of stepping into a cool shower on a really hot day--it’s not that it’s miserable outside the shower, it’s just that the shower is extremely good.  I have a playlist of music that, for whatever reason, hits the right combination of voice and rhythm and notes and words to make my brain suddenly get calm, and it’s not necessarily my favorite music or a cohesive collection of tunes or anything (featuring Six Shooter by Coyote Kisses and also Human by Rag’n’Bone Man, which have nothing in common), but it’s Good.

Hyperfocus: You didn’t actually mention this, but I think it’s worth mentioning because it’s one of the hallmarks of ADHD.  It bears more than a passing resemblance to the concept of “flow”, but turned up to 11.  Hyperfocus is the state of being so overwhelmingly tuned in to the thing you’re currently doing that everything else falls away--which is fine, unless you’re one of us folks who can hyperfocus ourselves right through meal times.  It’s inexorable, it’s all-consuming, and it can feel pretty fucking great, which is why it’s important to be careful and find a way to hydrate yourself.  The primary difference between hyperfocus and flow is that hyperfocus is generally involuntary and does not necessarily tune you into something you planned or wanted to pay attention to.  If you ever see me publish a fic that includes a note about “I didn’t mean to write this but it’s 2 AM so here”, that’s code for “please validate me, I’ve been hyperfocused on this for two or three hours and I failed to do a lot of important things as a result.”  The other thing about hyperfocus is that afterwards, the drop coming off it is a real bitch.  It leaves me feeling hollowed out, exhausted, and kind of pettily disinterested in anything that would usually hold my attention.  Being hyperfocused is like being a machine designed to do one thing and one thing only and doing that thing feels incredible; coming off hyperfocus is like being an overtired toddler.

Hyperfixation: Hyperfixations are the ADHD equivalent of a special interest, aka: that thing you’ve been struggling not to pester every single person you know about, every single second of every single day of the past two and a half weeks.  Were you around, dear anon, when this blog was Only Animorphs, All The Time, and if you didn’t give a shit about morphin’ teens you just had to sit down, shut up, and learn some stuff, or else unfollow me?  That’s what hyperfixating looks like.  Sometimes it’s useful stuff--do you know how unbelievably useful having a hyperfixation on triage techniques is to me?  I crushed my triage training, I owned that shit, I wrote a whole chapter of my thesis on it.  Other times, it’s...well, Animorphs.  Or the American Revolution.  Or X-Men.  Or dinosaurs.  Some random shit like that.  Learning about hyperfixations, talking about them, is generally pure unadulterated joy.  On the other hand--oh, God, listen, I know how annoying I am, but I cannot stop myself.  I know I haven’t talked about anything but Animorphs in three weeks, I know I’ve made forty-five TAZ posts today, whatever you’re about to complain about, I already know, okay, I am aware, and there is nothing more painful than to have a fucking out-of-body experience watching yourself rattle on about a hyperfixation while the other person obviously gets bored in front of you.  And then you try to keep your mouth shut and it physically hurts not to talk about the thing.  It’s hard to describe what it ‘feels’ like except that ADHD brains are magpies at their core and hyperfixations are the shiny, shiny objects your brain wants to take home.

Anyway, I’m not sure how useful ANY of this has been, but like.  After a certain point, you kind of have to trust yourself enough to decide, once and for all, whether you really, truly believe you’re faking a neurological disorder for the attention.  If the answer is no, then great!  You have sussed out your symptoms and can start managing them accordingly, whether that’s some helpful apps on your phone or medication or something in between.  If the answer is yes, then you probably need some therapy, and your therapist will be able to help you get to a point where you feel able to trust yourself.

Go with the neurodivergent gods, my dude.

[timelessbian]

hi it me again. IVE SAW AOTW. Physically I'm like. Fine. Emotionally? I've been laying face down on the floor ever since. Also whY ARE YOU APOLOGISING FOR A RANT?? IT'S WHAT I WANTED >:3 God there's just. So much to say about this ep!! I don't even have the WORDS, words reduced to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. So. Thoughts?

ADHFSJDFH hi again!! sorry that it’s taken me a while to respond; i’ve been really busy with moving and everything the past few days, but i really wanted to answer this before the finale bc i have Many Fears asngjsjdjbvhdsbfvhbsa

under a cut again bc this is rambling and probably incoherent, but let’s go!!

my first thought is that i LOVED the episode. from the animation to the storytelling to the voice acting that made me cry...this was an absolute highlight of an episode. they packed SO MUCH into like 20 minutes and i have so much love for everyone who works on this show i just can’t, it’s so good!! 

also i feel like i conveyed this in my last rant, but i think lilith is such a well-written character, and not to be That Bitch, but the fact that the majority of the fandom really just full on lost their minds on her is literally kind of hilarious. like...i am a female villain stan first and a human second. i am simply vibing ashvhbdfhvbhdb.

i feel like a lot of people have said this better than i could at this point, but i think there’s be a redemption arc coming. most of eda and lilith’s interactions prior to 1x18 really played up the love that still exists beneath the tension. the sisters still clearly love each other, but obviously so much has happened between them that they could never have had any kind of true resolution without the secret of the curse coming out. lilith’s been carrying her guilt for years and at least with it out in the open, they can maybe start to reconcile. (obviously this would need to be a very long process, and even if lilith is working hard for it, eda (and luz!) aren’t under any obligation to forgive her for anything) (also full disclosure: i’m a lil bit biased on the sister thing bc my current original project has a sister set in a similar situation with similar vibes to lilith and eda (coincidentally, i swear!), and i know i’m writing them a fitting reconciliation, so i’m hoping the show will give me the same lol)

also, i know this is something i covered in my last rant, but there is clearly SO MUCH MORE to lilith’s story. she clearly feels guilty and genuinely seems to want to try to help eda, but i think she’s been so completely under the emperor’s thumb for so long that it’s going to take a major betrayal by him to get her to realize just how far she’s gone. again, this isn’t excusing anything she’s done, but i think that s2 could really delve into the relationship between the sisters more (which could play well with an arc in which amity has to reconcile with the reality of the emperor’s coven given that lilith is her mentor). what was the final straw that split the sisters? what was their relationship really like before the curse?? can we get lilith eventually coming around to be the cool goth aunt of the owl fam??? @ dana terrace i want answers!!!

as for my thoughts moving into the finale, i’m predicting that lilith is going to realize that the emperor has been lying to her the whole time, and that she’ll make some kind of big sacrifice so that eda and luz can escape, whether it’s her position or her magic (or her life, but i really don’t think they’re going to go that way) and she’s going to have to figure out who she is without the emperor controlling her. (okay, random thought that i literally JUST had typing this out: what if she loses her magic and has to start learning with glyphs like luz or something like that?? i have 0 evidence to support that, but it’s just a thought i guess) 

also, i don’t really have thoughts about this stuff, but i’m a fan of the ‘lilith is also cursed’ theory, even if it’s just a side effect of casting such a powerful curse or something like that. i’m not into the idea of belos being their dad (i’m still lukewarm on him being related to luz though. if the whole ‘camilia is azura’ theory pans out, maybe he’s camilia’s father and luz’s grandfather or something? idk, but i’m interested in how it’ll play out! i don’t think belos will be dying in this ep, so i think there’ll be a lot to unpack there next season. also just everything related to the palismen, and in particular owlbert vs lilith’s raven. give me more palisman lore immediately!!

really the tl;dr of it all is that i know hating lilith is the popular opinion rn but ummm....evil raven lady go brrr you know? i am TERRIFIED for the finale, but i’m also so beyond excited for it because i know even if it makes me cry (again) it’ll be well worth it, and i hope that the hiatus before s2 isn’t too long because i don’t know what i’ll do with myself lmao. (i mean, i do have a half-finished angst fic that i’m holding to finish until after the ep just in case, but i’m just gonna be vibing until the new season ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

so yeah, those are my thoughts as they stand right now. thank you so much for indulging me!! my roommate whomst does not watch the show is probably sick of hearing about it by now, so i love having an outlet to scream lmao. i don’t know when you’re reading this, but as of writing this, it’s only about 2 hours until the finale drops online, so i am Afraid and i’ll probably be face down on the floor immediately after i finish it. feel free to come back and scream after the finale bc i’m already sure i’ll be screaming!! anyway, luv you anon, and i suppose i’ll see you on the other side sbhbvdbavjs <33