#anyway i finished my reread like a week ago but i keep thinking how lady ki got ripped off

[deaddove]

post credits scene where wbx is like “do i really have to change my name and flee the country” and zhu is like “well you see. i sorta promised lady ki that i was gonna ensure your slow agonizing death in exchange for her help so” and wbx goes “ah yeah that makes sense” and then they sneak him out with a fake mustache

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

let me be your ruler.2

Warnings: guns, dubcon, noncon, handjob.

This is a dark! fic and explicit. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Pairing: (dark!mob!) Peter Parker x Reader

Summary: You try to forget about Peter but he won’t forget about you.

Note: I hate that I am the way that I am. I wanted to keep this to two parts but you know me. 

Anyways, I’m excited for this and hope you are too.

Hope you enjoy it. Thank you. Love you guys!

Please leave some feedback, like and reblog <3

Drowsy in the afterglow of sex and alcohol, you fell quickly into a deep sleep. You didn’t even change before you sank into bed. You hardly recalled the elevator ride up or stumbling into your apartment and tripping around the shadows to your room. It was only a fractured journey from the car to your mattress.

You woke as your phone vibrated under your pillow. You must have buried it there before passing out. You groaned and rolled over as you dug it out. There were several notifications next to a single name; Peter. You thumbed through each message; written in the same tone as his voice. Demanding, without question.

‘Great night, Princess.’ ‘We’ll do it again Saturday.’ ‘Wear something nice.’ … The messages escalated smoothly from doting to commanding. It jolted you back to the night before, the way he seemed to just thrust you through the night. The dress, the drinks, the men, the guns…

You sat up, your panties crooked on your hips. You muttered and swiped away the messages. You weren’t seeing him again. You couldn’t. You had stuck your toe in too deep already. It was best to nip these things in the bud. Not to let yourself get dragged in so far you couldn’t see the surface. 

Peter was more than mysterious; he was dangerous.

You went to the kitchen and waited for the machine to grind as the scent of coffee filled your heavy body. You drank too much, did too much. You still felt Peter’s hand between your legs. It made your chest tight and your head spin. You looked down at your body, the red dress wrinkled and askew.

You left the coffee to brew and retreated to your room. You tore off the dress and your panties. You pulled on a cotton shirt and loose pajama pants. You stormed back into the kitchen and shoved the clothing in the bin. You snatched your phone from the counter and swiped up the lock screen.

‘Sorry, I don’t think this is going to work out.’ You typed. Your hand shook as you hovered over send. You heard Halle’s door and you pressed your thumb down. You looked up at her before you pulled up the block option.

“How was your night?” She asked as she inhaled the aroma of your morning ritual.

“Eh, you know, another dead end,” you pushed your thumb down and the conversation disappeared. “Just not my type.”

“Really?” She whined. “He seemed so nice. And he liked you so much.”

You blackened your screen and placed your phone face down. “Well, you know, things don’t always turn out.” You shrugged and pulled out a mug, “You want some?”

“Are you at least going to tell me about it?” She pouted. “And yes, lots of sugar.”

You poured her coffee and handed her the sugar dish. You frowned at how much powder she scooped into her cup but it was her most endearing trait. She knew what she wanted and she didn’t care what anyone thought.

“Uh, well, it wasn’t anything special. He took me to a party but… I don’t know. What kind of first date is that? Take me somewhere I don’t know anyone…” You ran your finger around the rim of your cup. “Maybe when I was younger but now.”

“You sound like such an old lady,” she snickered, “Oh my god!” She stood straight, “Are we old?”

“I am, but you’ll always be young at heart, Hal,” you rolled your eyes.

“So you’re not going to try a second?” She prodded.

“I don’t think so,” you cradled your mug, “He… hasn’t even messaged me back.” 

You hated lying but Halle had gotten you into this mess and you knew she’d harp on you for not even giving Peter a chance. But you had. He wasn’t what he seemed and you didn’t want to stick around and find out what exactly he was hiding.

“What?” She huffed. “Well, fuck him then.” She sipped from her coffee and her lips curved as she swallowed. “Wait, did you…”

“Hal, come on,” you snipped.

“Oh, fine, but you know, maybe if you got laid, you wouldn’t be so uptight.” She teased.

“Not this again,” you groaned and slid your phone off the counter. “You know what, I got work to do.”

“Uh huh,” she hummed as you turned to leave, “Work. When did you get so old and boring?”

“One of us had to,” you called back over your shoulder, “And we both know you’re never growing up.”

✨

Your phone was pleasantly still for the rest of the day. You felt a twinge of guilt having blocked Peter but then you recalled the men and their holsters. You found your mind drifting away from your work and your fingers hovered over the keyboard as you thought back. 

The company he kept added to the uneasiness in your chest. Steve was friendly but arrogant. The way he looked at you, the way he spoke to you, what was it he introduced you as, “Peter’s girl”. And that man, Bucky. He didn’t seem too fond of Peter but the way he’d grinned at you, as if he knew something you didn’t. Well, he did, they all did. Your head stormed as you tried to figure out their secret.

You shook off the curdling paranoia and hunched as you squinted closer at your computer. You made yourself focus as you skimmed the tight font and added your suggestions in the margin. You sent off your edited draft as your stomach groaned; empty and churning from the acidic coffee.

You grabbed your phone and your mug as you stood. You checked the time. Almost noon. You grumbled and went back to the kitchen, thankfully empty as Halle had left for work an hour ago. You set your cup down and expanded your notifications. A single phone call from a private number and a new follower on your mostly empty Insta.

You opened the neglected app and hit the notification. The profile was emptier than yours. the profile pic was just black and there were no posts. The name gave you no hints as it was obviously generated by the site. 

You went back and a comment popped up on the picture of your and Halle at last year's winter market. ‘Gorgeous, Princess.’ You read and reread the two words as you leaned against the counter. You bit your fingertips and went back to the mysterious profile. You hit ‘block’ and locked your phone.

Surely, he’d get the hint sooner or later. It was one date and the man seemed to have no trouble with women. He’d move on and you’d both forget about that off putting night. You just had to wait him out.

✨

A week rolled by as you kept yourself busy with your work. The phone calls stopped after the first day and you had no more peculiar alerts awaiting you. Your plan had worked. It wasn’t exactly the best; it was a bit cowardly, actually. Yet, knowing how Peter was and how ‘no’ seemed beyond his vocabulary, you had more faith in your evasion than his understanding.

As the weekend approached, Halle convinced you to come out with the girls. You had eluded those opportunities for the past year as you found yourself disillusioned and disinterested in the club scene. You felt as if you were aging out of it and seeing all those fresh-faced coeds assured you of it. Even so, the girls liked to dance and in their words, you need to ‘let loose’.

You couldn’t disagree. You had been on edge and the mounting emails in your inbox didn’t ease the stress of everything else.

With a pre-drink burning a whole in your stomach, you pulled on a pair of flats as your bag hung across your chest. You were comfortable but not stuffy in your tight jeans and the bright pink top with the criss-cross straps. You felt pretty good and the vodka made you optimistic.

You headed down to the street and caught a cab. The dread evaporated the closer you got and as you pulled up to the front of the flashing club, Molly and Desiree waved at your approach. The four of you joined the line as you searched out your ID.

“So,” Molly said, “Halle told us about your little date!”

“Date?” You blinked. “Oh, yeah, that didn’t pan out.”

“Of course,” Desiree scoffed, “That guy was so cute though.”

“Yeah, he was nice, but we just didn’t…”

“He’s ghosting her!” Halle interjected, “Didn’t even text the next day, ugh.”

Halle crossed her arms and you nodded. You weren’t going to correct her, you didn’t need the other two piling on about your dormant love life. You came out to have a good time, that’s what they promised you, and you didn’t want to think about the night that still stood so vividly in your mind.

As you stepped up to the bouncer, he barely looked at your card. You were almost offended as he waved you through and carded the next party more closely. You glanced around at your friends but they hardly seemed bothered. Well, only Halle had reached that big three-o with you, and the other two girls still had a year or two to go.

Madonna’s voice pumped from the speakers as you neared the bar. You looked around at the streaming lights and the bodies shadowed in the strobe. You were surprised you recognized the song and you nudged Desiree as she waited for Molly to order the first round.

“What’s up with the music?” You asked.

“It’s retro night! Duh! Just for you!” She giggled and you elbowed her harder.

Molly turned and passed out the plastic cups with their thin straws and you followed Halle to the low stage where the smoke machine billowed. You coughed at the taste of the fog and sucked on your straw. You began to sway as the other girls led the charge. You could help but be enlivened by the deep base and the energy all around.

As you danced, the girls yelled back and forth about their recent drama. Desiree’s date had been more successful than your own, Molly was certain she was in love with Charlie? You still didn’t know. And Halle was just riding the vibe.

You finished your drink and the other girls stacked their cups in yours before you crossed the stage to leave the garbage on the table just beside the platform. 

You looked over at the bar, pondering another, and your eye was caught by a figure who seemed out of place. The cut of his suit, the way he leaned on hand on a stool, and the intense gaze sent in your direction startled you.

You blinked and stumbled over to the single step down to the floor. You pushed through the bodies, nearly tumbling as a tipsy guy crashed into you. You got to the bar and looked up and down it. Girls waved their hands to get the bar tender’s attention and guys sidled up to them. 

Bucky was gone. It was him. Maybe the air was filled with smoke and the lights were flashing like a siren, but you were certain. Why was he there? How had he found you among the city? Among the reverie in that club? Why had he been watching you? And where had he gone?

You went to where you’d seen him and searched the perimeter of the bar. You went back through the club and slipped past those just getting in. You tapped on the bouncer’s shoulder and he grumbled before he turned and bent to hear you. “What is it?”

“Did you see a guy in a suit leave? Dark hair and--”

“There’s a lot of people here,” he shrugged you off.

You snarled and turned back. You got ahead of the flood of new arrivals and fought your way back to the three girls on the stage. As you walked up, Halle pouted and grabbed your elbow. “Boo, we thought you were getting another round.”

“No, no, I…” you squirmed and tried to get back into the rhythm, “I had to use the restroom.”

“Well, how about now? Wanna refill the tank?” She jibed.

“Uh, sure,” you picked at the purse. “Be right back.”

“Make mine a double,” Molly called after you. “Thanks.”

✨

Despite drowning yourself in alcohol, you barely slept and when you did, you were back in the club, staring at a man you never expected to see again. You wondered if maybe you’d imagined it or if Peter had sent him after you or if it was someone else and you were just tipsy and blind. Whatever it was, you couldn’t shake the foreboding that followed you into the next morning.

Your Saturday was painful and lazy. You spent your hangover on the couch and barely saw Halle as she cowered in the dim light of her room. You fell asleep there and dragged yourself to bed just before nine. You really were old, or at least, getting there.

Sunday slapped you in the face after another night of disjointed dreams. Peter and the room full of men, Bucky at the bar, and static in between. Responsibility called you from your mattress and you cleaned up and dressed for your weekly trip to the grocery store. 

As you came out, Halle was glaring at her phone. “What’s up?” You asked as you shoved your wallet in your purse. “You coming to the store?”

“I got called in for one.” She pouted. “Tell me why I fucked that asshole?”

“Shit, Hal, I’m sorry. Well, I’ll just do the shop myself.” You frowned, “Let you get ready to deal with all that.”

“It’s all because he fucking texted me on Friday and drunk me decided to reply and then… urgh, why do I do this?”

“I don’t know why you’re asking me?” You grinned.

“Oh, please go before I throw this at you,” she shook her phone, “And don’t forget my oat milk.”

“Whole milk?” You asked as you slipped your shoes on, “Got it.”

“Don’t,” she warned.

“Alright, alright. Hopefully I catch you before you go,” you stood and grabbed your keys from the hook. “Have fun with Mr. Bossman.”

“Shut up,” she buried her head in her hands, “Oh my god!”

You tried not to laugh as you left. You felt bad for her as you didn’t know what you’d do in her situation. Looking for a new job had been her first thought but the market was never very good and the man who was driving her away, wasn’t exactly a shining reference.

You took your usual route to the grocer. You had your list on your phone and loaded your cart. You filled the reusable bags and set off for a very inconvenient subway ride home. Your arms screamed as you carried the load up your street and struggled to find your keys at the door. The elevator was too slow and you ended up hauling it all up the stairs. You were out of breath as you got to your apartment.

You turned the knob just a little and kicked open the door. You stomped in and dropped the bags. “So, I got your damn milk--” You stopped short as your voice collided with Halle’s. She was already dressed for work but her braids were still loose. She stood behind the couch as she talked to your unexpected visitor.

“Oh, there she is,” she said snappily, “I wouldn’t blame her for kicking you out but I’ll leave it up to her.” Halle turned to you, “Look who’s here. Only took him a week to come around.”

“Hal,” you said softly as you set the bags down. “What--” You lowered your voice, “Why’d you let him in?”

“So he can apologize to you,” she huffed loudly and passed you to close the door, “Don’t you worry, I still gotta finish getting ready so you have lots of time to hear him out.” She looked at him sharply.

“Really, it’s…” You gulped as you peeked over at Peter. He sat calmly in the chair as he watched you. “Yeah, okay.”

She marched into her room and as her door closed, you reluctantly approached the back of the couch where your roommate had just stood. You stared at Peter, uncertain what to say. You hadn’t been prepared for this; for him to be there in your apartment, your home.

“Peter,” you ran your hands over the couch cushions.

“You lie to everyone you know?” He asked. “As I recall, I’m not the one who’s been… ‘ghosting’, as your friend says.”

“I…” You shifted and picked at the seam, “Look, I told you it wasn’t going to work--”

“You barely gave me a chance. Gave us a chance,” he said as he pushed his legs apart. “That’s hardly fair.”

“Well, you know, I have work and it’s just not a good time for me right now.” You sniffed. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but--”

“Ha, princess, I don’t hurt so easy,” he smirked, “Why don’t you sit down and we can talk properly… finally.”

You scratched your brow and cleared your throat. “I don’t think we need to do that.”

Your voice trailed off as Halle opened her door again. She swept out and you waited as she scooped her purse off the counter and sidestepped the groceries still sat on the floor.

“Gotta go,” she sang, “I’ll see you after work.” She stopped by the door as she wiggled into her heels, “Let me know how you deal with… him.”

“See ya,” you said quietly and watched her go. You looked back at Peter slowly as he chuckled.

“What did you tell her about me?” He wondered.

“Nothing. Really.” You said. “I have your jacket. You want it back--”

“Sit,” he gestured to the couch. “We’ll worry about that later.”

“No. Peter, please. I’m just not interested, okay?”

“You seemed pretty interested in the car,” he purred, “Seemed real interested.”

“I…” You looked at the wall and squirmed. “I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“You were asking for it in that dress,” he intoned. “Now,” his movement drew your eye as he reached into his jacket, “I don’t like playing things like this.” He pulled the pistol from its holster and rested it on the arm of the chair, his hand firm on the handle. “Please, sit down. Let’s talk.”

You stared at the gun. Your blood burned hot and you felt blindly as you came around the couch and dropped down. Your eyes never left the muzzle. Would he use it on you?

“Oh, princess, don’t you worry, I’m just getting comfortable.” He taunted. “Now, I’ve been tryna figure out where I went wrong. I got you a pretty dress, I took you to a nice party, I fed you champagne, and I even gave you a little dessert,” he mused and his lip curled, “So I gotta confess I’m confused as you why you’ve been hiding from me.”

You were paralyzed. You clutched your knees and gritted your teeth. You didn’t know what to say. You’d convinced yourself that you’d never see him again. Your method was tried and trued, at least, when it was used against you.

“Don’t be afraid. You can tell me. I really would prefer the truth.” His finger slid along the short barrel as he spoke. “So?”

“I… Peter, I don’t think that we would, uh, work out. Look, I don’t like guns and…” Your lashes fluttered, “I don’t really know that I wanna be around someone who carries one. Not too mention, your friends--”

“My friends. Princess, your mine. They won’t touch you.” He raised his chin. “They’re not that bold.”

You were silent. Your heart pulsed loudly and you took a breath. You stood cautiously and crossed your arms. “Peter, we talked. I told you my reasons. I think you should… go.” You said as firmly as you could.

He laughed again. His cheek twitched and the smile fell away from his face. He rose slowly and turned his gun to tuck it away under his jacket. His eyes never left you as he did.

“You really want me to go?” He asked.

You nodded and held your breath. “Yes.”

He threw his hands out and clapped them against his pants. He shook his head and crossed the room. You turned to watch him as he passed and suddenly, you were thrust towards him. His hand was on the back of your neck as he pulled you against him. He held you tightly and you felt his gun poking through his jacket.

He grinned, his lips only an inch from yours. “I’m going, princess, but not without you.”

“Let go of me!” You struggled with him. “Get off!”

“Princess,” he warned as his fingers dug into your neck, “Settle down.”

“No, I told you to go.” You hissed as you grabbed his wrist. “Please.”

“Let’s get this straight,” he said, “You don’t tell me what to do. Even if it gets me hard.” He crushed his lips to your suddenly and you wrestled with him, your teeth grazing his lip before he pulled back sharply, barely escaping a bite. “You don’t wanna do that.”

His hand went to your chin and he looked you in the face. He rubbed his nose against yours and growled. You beat on his chest and he squeezed tighter.

“Shit, let’s not just rush out of here,” he released you, “You should get those away before they spoil.”

He stepped back and placed his hand on the front of his jacket, where his gun was hidden. You gaped at him and your eyes flitted to the door.

“Ah, don’t worry, we’ll be on our way soon enough,” he said, “So long as you hurry up.”

You swallowed and he moved with you as you went to the bags. He blocked the door as you pulled the straps apart and began to unpack shakily. You dropped a can and it rolled along the floor before he stopped it with his foot. He kicked it back and leaned an elbow on the door frame.

You picked it up with several other cans and went to the cupboard. You snapped the door closed as you felt around the drawer with your other hand. You heard a click and looked to Peter as he aimed his pistol at you. He tilted his head. 

“Don’t do that,” he intoned as your hand lingered just inches from the knives inside the drawer.

You went back to the spread of groceries and tried to ignore him as you put everything in its place. As you bent to fill the crisper, he purred, a sizzly ‘princess’ under his breath. You finished up and packed the bags one into the other. You left them on the counter and again, he put his gun away.

“Princess, let me tell you something,” he gripped the door handle, “I don’t take that out without using it very often so don’t press my patience.” He turned the knob slowly, “I’ve waited on you long enough.”

✨

The car ride was tense and long. Peter drove you uptown and you watched out the window helplessly. You rubbed your palms together nervously as they dampened with sweat. He’d taken your phone when you reached for it. He tossed it and it was somewhere on the floor.

He drove past the condos and the walk-ups and continued on nearly the exact path he’d taken on the momentous night. Another grand house awaited you but you remained in the seat as Peter climbed out. He opened your door and still you didn’t move. He reached across you to unbuckle the seat belt and grabbed your arm. He jerked you out onto your feet and sighed.

“Peter,” you begged, “What’s going on? Please, you’re scaring me.”

“Princess, have I done you wrong?” He asked but you didn’t answer. “I won’t hurt you.”

“You’re hurting me right now,” you wriggled your arm and he shoved you ahead of him.

“In,” he demanded as you stumbled up the rounded steps. “Now.”

You opened the door and stepped inside. You crossed the marble floor of the foyer as he directed you from behind. He followed at a pace, close enough that you couldn’t flee. Even if you did, you wouldn’t make it far.

“Pete,” the voice startled you and you stopped at the bottom of the wide staircase. Bucky stood in a doorway to your left. His gaze moved from you to Peter and back again. “I didn’t realise you brought company.”

“You’re still here?” Peter snipped.

“Was I supposed to leave?” He sneered. “You got me and Steve running around and you’re gonna kick us to the curb.”

“You don’t look very busy to me,” Peter growled and neared to rest his hand on your lower back. He leaned in and whispered in your ear. “Upstairs, turn left, the room at the very end. I don’t like hide and seek, you got me?”

You nodded and looked at Bucky again. His mouth slanted knowingly and his tongue poked out for just a moment. You turned up the stairs and left Peter behind. You reached the top and listened for a moment to his muffled voice.

“You and Steve do your fucking job and leave me alone. Understand. I don’t want to be bothered.” Peter snarled.

“Oh, I wouldn’t wanna be interrupted either,” Bucky snickered. “Not with her.”

“Go,” Peter barked. “Now.”

“Ay, you might be Tony’s man but you still gotta watch yourself,” Bucky warned. “This little arrangement isn’t gonna last forever…”

You went to your left and to the door at the end, like he said. You entered and couldn’t help but gasp at the immense bedroom. The black and white decor was expertly matched in marbles and exotics woods, plush velvet and polished sconces. You couldn’t help but admire the luxury.

You didn’t close the door. You glanced around dumbly and stood in one spot as you feared you might break something. You wrung your hands as you heard the steady footsteps and you spun as Peter entered. He looked even more agitated as he cracked his knuckles.

“Sorry about that, Princess,” he said, “Now where were we?” His eyes roved the room as he thought, “Ah, yes, an apology.”

“Apology. I…”

“Should I close the door?” He raised a brow, “You’d be surprised how sound carries in here.”

You frowned and he laughed as he swung the door shut. He neared you and bit the tip of his tongue as he considered you. His brown eyes bore into you and you took a step back. He stayed near and caught your wrist. His other hand fumbled with his belt and he let out a slow breath through his nose.

“Princess, I’d love to treat you how you deserve but you gotta be good to me too.” He pulled on your arm and twisted as you tried to resist. You hissed and he pushed your hand against his crotch. “I don’t forgive easy but I’m sure you can change that.”

“Don’t... don’t make me do this,” you uttered.

“Oh, but princess, you did this,” he pressed your hand around his bulge. “You take care of me and I’ll do the same.”

You parted your lips to argue and he grabbed the back of your head. He kissed you roughly and guided your hand to the top of his boxers. He slid your fingers under the elastic and urged you on, wrapping your fingers around his dick with a groan.

He squeezed until you gripped him firmly. He led your hand up and down as he held you to him, his hot breath filling you as it picked up. He forced his tongue into your mouth and you clawed at his jacket as he kept your other hand around him. He parted from your mouth at last and pressed his cheek to yours.

“Keep going, princess,” he purred as he slowly withdrew his hand from around yours. “You don’t wanna use your hand, I might think of something else.”

You quivered and slid your hand up and down his length. He nuzzled your neck and nibbled as he moaned against your skin. You could only move your hand as you stood against him stunned and rigid. He gripped your waist as you felt him tense and he murmured hungrily.

“Oh, princess,” he breathed and pushed his pelvis against your hands as he came. 

You felt the slick heat seep down your hand and slowed until he was breathless. He stilled your hand with his and carefully eased your hand from his pants. He stood straight and eyed your glistening fingers.

“Shit,” he swore as he caressed your cheek, “You made a mess of this suit.” He dropped his hand to the front of his pants as he smiled. He inhaled and pushed his shoulders back. “I forgive you, Princess.”

[portablecity]

recent watches and listens and reads

Movies: The Pale Blue Eye - not bad, but by halfway through i had a strong “i bet the book is real good” feeling despite not knowing at that point that there was a book. Extreme problem of Charming Young Men In Uniform who all looked identical.

Point Break - a cultural moment I am glad to have caught up on. Incredible steady escalation of the tone and stakes. Bodie was a terrifyingly accurate depiction of the self-absorbed new age older dudes that hung around art school student scenes. Has anyone adapted this movie into a Descended From the Queen hack yet?

Woman King - hey i waited way too long to watch this, i super recommend it, it did not pull any punches on the action, the script, the themes, the emotional arc, the everything. It turned out that watching the trailer had told me almost nothing about it. Still a bit stunned. And despite the uniforms every character was easy to id and learn about and love.

The Hexer - the polish tv movie adaptations of The Witcher from like 20 years ago. It’s on youtube for free. No budget but all the enthusiasm. Pretty sure Henry Cavill based his geralt on this one, down to quite a few of the gestures and poses.

Audiobooks:

I’m working my way through the discworld books for the nth time, this time via my library’s audiobook collection. I have unconditional love for the series, but if you are coming from outside and want a place to start, I think I’d recommend Going Postal as your intro.

Most recently I just finished The Monstrous Regiment, and it is everything i remember and more. Some authors move the goalposts, or the finish line; Pratchett keeps moving the punchline, building on the joke until it’s non longer a joke and instead a core theme with big beautiful emotional payoff. I cried A Normal Amount.

Favourite character moments so far:

Sybil: in The Fifth Elephant, climbing out the window.

Vimes: any of his conversations with Willikins in Snuff.

Willikins: every time he is on screen, as it were.

Carrot: honest to god the addition of age and experience has really changed how i see Carrot and frankly I find him pretty terrifying. By the end of Men at Arms he is Legit Scary, and the shit he pulls in The Fifth Elephant is not cool. The only Carrot I particularly like is the one you hear in his letters home.

The Wizards: everything in Unseen Academicals.

The Librarian: how could i choose, honestly

Moist: the shit he pulls at the end of Going Postal; it’s such a bastard move for a good cause, which is i think the core of his appeal.

Death: dancing with Miss Flitworth

Vetinari: every conversation with Moist. Especially the one with the signet ring.

Gaspode: never not a fav but especially love his cameo in The Truth.

Angua: again, i feel like i read her very differently now; I don’t know if I really get her anymore. Further rereading needed.

I have been on the holds list for the witches books for a While, and the library doesn’t even HAVE Lord & Ladies, but I will update as I get to them. I do appreciate every moment Magrat gets her own out of a scene. But how to pick a fav moment with any of the others?

The only books I haven’t reread MANY times before this reread are Unseen Academicals, and Raising Steam; relistening to Unseen Academicals was a delight and left me very sad Pratchett didn’t get to continue those thoughts and themes further. Maybe the sweetest romances in the whole series. And somehow I just didn’t register Pepe and Madame on my first readthrough? Anyways I’m excited for Raising Steam, but not sure where to find an audobook version at this time.

Listening:

I discovered accordion players performing music like Vivaldi sonatas and Bach fugues and that certainly lives rent free in my brain now:

Otherwise I think I’ve listened to Devin Townsend’s Terria album at least twice a week sonce november. It’s harder to track down nowadays but remains a favourite.

Also we watched Andor slowly and carefully and I am still extremely immersed; can’t believe they got me back into the s’wars after boba and kenobi, honestly, but i am real glad I watched it.

Also, I read Ducks by Kate Beaton in a single sitting. Recommended.

[redsector-a]

AO3 Ask Game

I was tagged by @themarshalstale which, thank you so much! I feel like I always get missed on these (I know why, it’s been 84 years since I published anything but still). 1. How many works do you have on ao3?

46 it seems. Which...look I’m slow man so that’s not surprising. lol Also crippling depression does not make for much production, at least for me.

2. What’s your current AO3 wordcount?

309662 according to the stats.

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

So do I could only AO3 or in like life? lol I suppose it should only be on AO3 since this is an AO3 ask game. Hrm. Basically AO3 can be summed up as: Marvel (in several iterations - all Avengers related) Torchwood Highlander But isn’t it more fun to consider my entire fandom life, which, I’m sorry, I’m old so...yeah. Not all of this is was published and beyond that a lot is not available anymore...which is likely for the best. Highlander Star Wars Babylon 5 Ronin Warriors/Samurai Troopers Marvel (again, several iterations also of note Avengers and X-Men both count) Torchwood Star Trek LOTR Stargate (SG-1, SGA) Mortal Kombat I dabbled with the idea of Potter fic but never got past the ideas stage.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1: You rearrange me till I’m sane Clint finds himself spiraling into a deep depression after the Battle of New York...until the Winter Soldier ends up saving him and inadvertently giving him a new purpose – to save the man that the Soldier had once been – Bucky Barnes. Not one to be outdone, the Soldier decides that his new mission is to ensure that Clint remains alive himself. Protecting a blonde man with a self-destructive streak is somehow very familiar to him. Through the back and forth of who is saving whom they cross the country and learn more about themselves and each other – and perhaps find a reason for living. 2: Five Dates Bucky Didn’t Realize He Was on And the One He Planned Himself To say that Bucky was surprised when Clint kissed him was an understatement. But it was nothing compared to the shock he felt when he learned they'd been dating for months without him realizing it.Clint gets whisked away for a mission before they have time to talk and Bucky is left to figure things out on his own - hindsight being 20/20 he can't help but wonder how he missed things the first go around.

3: Puck Luck Bucky Barnes is used to the ups and downs of an NHL season. He's used to the unpredictability of the game, knows that bounces don't always go your way, but that doesn't make a broken hand in the final third of the season any easier to deal with. Especially not when he ends up with an impromptu roommate/personal assistant in the form of one Clint Barton - his agent, Natalia Romanova's (rather attractive) friend he hadn't known existed before his injury.

It's just for six to eight weeks - what could possibly happen in that span of time?

4: Loose Lips Launch Ships

Based on the following prompt: “We go to school together and I think you’re cute and apparently you’re also the pizza delivery guy and my little sibling opened the door screaming hey sibling! you know that kid you’re in love with? you really weren’t kidding when you said his jawline could cut steel holy shit-” Bucky is the pizza delivery guy. Clint's younger (foster) brother has a big mouth.

5: Indelible Bucky Barnes has a pretty decent life – a good job, good friends, a cat that adores him - but something is missing. He’s always found body art to be beautiful and inspiring, and on a whim (and with the hope that maybe he can find what he’s missing) he decides to take the plunge and get a tattoo. That's how he meets Clint Barton. Clint's talented and compassionate and there is an instant spark between the two of them. It's not long before Bucky finds himself wondering and wanting more from the relationship despite the ghosts of the past that crop back up. Because Clint makes him feel normal in a way he truly hasn't for years...

(this was pre-Alpine so I was totally chuffed when canon confirmed Bucky’s status as a crazy cat lady (affectionate).

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not.

I really really really want to do it but I often times don’t end up doing it. There are a few reasons. First, I am akwward AF and bad at interaction adn I feel like just saying thank you would be...not enough? Second - I often times tend to like...turtle (aka retreat into myself) when life gets Too Hard/Busy which happens a lot to me (sigh) and then I miss the vague window in my mind in which it would be okay to respond and then it’s even more weird. I do love and cherish all of them. Like there was one months ago that made me go “hmm...I didn’t think I was going to do a sequel to that fic (You rearrange me till I’m sane), timestamp glimpses sure but a sequel hadn’t come to mind” but then the comment made me think! So...who knows? lol Anyway, I literally have been rereading some in an effort to try and get myself going again. Know that if you have commented, I love you.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

At the moment? Probably: Look at you look at me Bucky's in love with Clint - problem is he's really not supposed to be. For Winterhawk Week 2019 - Forbidden Love (I really don’t want to give away the spin in the fic but...if you’re familiar with the Secret Avengers Vol 2 run circa 2013ish (aka when SHIELD initially ‘took control of the team’) that’s a bit of a hint as to the spin). Were it done, Torch Song would be up there. ;) Torch Song Clint is sent back in time, via an alien device, to 1938. While he tries to figure out how to get back home, he takes up singing and entertaining to make ends meet and does his best to not disrupt the timeline.Then he meets a 21 year old Bucky Barnes. --- A torch song is a sentimental love song, typically one in which the singer laments an unrequited or lost love, either where one party is oblivious to the existence of the other, where one party has moved on, or where a romantic affair has affected the relationship.

7. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve ever written?

Does *wanting* to write crossovers count? lol I want, so badly, to do more crossovers and fusions (which...are kinda deeper versions of crossovers in a way). The only one I do have posted is a crossover between Highlander and Torchwood -

The Immortal Mr. Jones A series of vignettes (some long, some short) in the life of the newly immortal Ianto Jones. My most ambitions project that I have been working on since late 2011/early 2012 is a fusion of the Avengers with Stephen King’s the Stand. I will get that done at some point *shakes fist*  The Stand, for those who don’t know it, is an epic 1000+ page novel about a flu epidemic (I know) that wipes out over 99% of the population and then two figures representing Good and Evil pull the survivors in two directions for a showdown. So basically it’s a non-powered modern AU set in that universe. It’s a passion and comfort project. lol

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes. Well, minor bitching back when I was in a prior fandom because I tagged a pairing in a fic but it was pre-slash and not labeled as pre-slash. I got hate on...I think it was Torch Song? And I’ve gotten hate on tumblr re me and my fic in general as well. Fandom! *jazz hands* Oh! And I’ve also been hit by those reviewers within Winterhawk (among general Clint pairings actually) who like rate you on either number scales or the “meh” scale. Which isn’t hate exactly but...it’s passive aggressive bullshit because I can’t believe none of them realize at this point that the authors can see their bookmarks - you know?

9. Do you write smut?

Yes. Do I write it well? I have no idea. lol

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I am aware of. Well...there was, I think, one of those reposting sites that had a few fics on it but I don’t think it was being passed off as someone else’s? I can’t quite recall. It’s why I have a note on AO3 about reposting my work anyway.

11. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not entirely, but sort of. Let me explain - I am part of a PBEM game; which for those unfamiliar since it’s a term that was most heavily in use 15-20 years ago, in which you basically do a round robin type writing thing but rather than everyone writing the same characters you write your own characters and you play off what other people have done. Another way of looking at it is  it’s basically DnD without dice and written down rather than done out loud. You also don’t have to all be around at the same time. It’s a lot of fun and yes I have been in it for 20 years even though there aren’t many of us left but they are some of my dearest friends and fabulous writers. Wins all around.  One of the other writers and I have actually toyed with the idea of doing a co-written fic actually, mostly because we work super well together and keep getting ideas for things but can’t really do them as rpgs since the pbem style isn’t used much anymore.

12. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Winterhawk probably. Though, let’s be real - Han & Leia are epic and amazing as are John & Delenn (from Babylon 5).

13. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Does wanting to expand The Black Stallion books as a wee child count? lol Not much of that was written save for world building ideas but there was a great oral tradition of telling stories to my friends. Otherwise...maybe a tie between Star Wars and Highlander. Star Wars was a love since I was super young but the writing bug didn’t hit me until around the same time Highlander was a thing as well.

14. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? You rearrange me till I’m sane for sure. Though Torch Song, if it were finished, would be tied I imagine (I suck at picking favorites). Honorable mention to Puck Luck and Indelible. Tagging: I have seen this like a million times (okay 5) so I feel like everyone has been tagged already that I know. But...I guess... @vexbatch @crazycatt71 @heartonfirewrites and @disruptedvice sorry if anyone has been tagged before.

[pawprintsmoon]

Henry has no clue; The Aftermath

https://archiveofourown.org/works/31306808/chapters/77401784

Once Alex leans into the kiss, the prince is royally screwed. An immense energy encompasses them, and he loses his breath along with all his remaining sensibilities. He pulls Alex’s hair, eliciting the sweetest, smallest sound. If he doesn’t stop right now, he won’t be able to stop at all.

“Fuck,” Henry swears, pulling back. Apparently, he still has an ounce of sense after all, or at least an ounce of self-preservation. “I’m just, shit. I’m sorry.”

Snow crunches beneath his stumbling feet as he practically runs away from the freshly snogged boy. The boy who must be having a total identity crisis. Even drunk, he could taste Alex’s confused wanting and a yearning that might even match his own. Impossible. The type of impossible that makes you question your interpretation of reality.

The humid heat and festive noises of the Gala overwhelm him as he re-enters the White House. He is sweating under his wool coat and his collar is too tight around his throat. The champagne in his system is tilting the floor, and it’s too much. Where the fuck is Pez?

Eventually, he finds his best friend between June and Nora, all dancing scandalously close to each other. It’s a testament to Pez’s loyalty that as soon as he looks at Henry, he exits the dancefloor, bowing to the ladies.

“What did you do?” Pez asks, leaning close to talk over the music.

“The most foolish thing possible.” He grabs Pez’s arm. “We have to go.”

After a beat, Pez nods. “Okay, let’s go.”

They walk through the party together, Pez’s presence keeping him from unravelling completely. It’s unlikely that Henry is effectively hiding his emotions, what with the drinking and kissing and panicking. Hopefully everyone around them is too intoxicated to notice.

“So, are we just getting some air or are we calling it a night?” Pez asks as they meet their PPOs at the front door. “Should I call a car to take us to the hotel?”

“No.” He imagines Alex showing up at their hotel the next morning, hungover and demanding answers. “No, we’re going home.”

“Right now?”

“Right now.” Henry’s throat is dry and his eyes are unforgivably wet. “Please.”

Pez stares at him, presumably assessing the severity of the situation, before nodding again.

“Okay, I’ll call a car to take us to the airport,” Pez says, pulling out his phone. “And as soon as we board the plane you are telling me everything.”

Within ten minutes, Shaun arrives with their luggage, a shiny black car, and three burly PPOs. Within two hours they are flying over the Atlantic Ocean, Henry pacing up and down the aisle of their private jet while Pez sips champagne.

"What the hell, Hen?" Pez says at last. Henry had been monologuing his panic spirals since they’d boarded the plane and is finally taking a breath.

"It just kind of happened?" Henry replies. He had fucked up, real bad this time.

"Well, to be completely honest with you, that was too fucking awesome!".

"You mean I did the right thing?" Henry asks, disbelief coloring his face. He isn’t sure if he’s asking approval of his choice to kiss Alex or his choice to run away afterwards.

"I don't know, Hen,” Pez says in an apologetic tone. “All I know about Alexander Claremont-Diaz is that you’re obsessed with him. This was bound to happen eventually, right?"

Henry has no clue how to answer, so he sighs and starts his pacing again. He knows he isn't going to sleep tonight, maybe not ever if he has a say in it. Alex might murder him in his sleep, even if he is protected by PPOs all the bloody time. He makes a mental note to ask Shaan to keep an eye out for Alex and his transatlantic flights.

…

"So yeah that happened." Henry finishes telling last night's events to his therapist who sports an impassive expression.

"Henry, why are you so afraid of Alex's reaction? For all you know he might feel the same way," Shannon says. The sincerity and calm in her voice almost soothes his racing heart.

"Because I do know he feels the same way, but he wasn't ready to know that. His obliviousness was the only thing saving us from falling together; the only thing stopping me from losing control. But then I lost control anyways because he’s just so bloody dense! It’s torture. Hell, both Nora and June have caught on. He’s going to be the last person to figure out he is queer! And I don’t, well, I shouldn’t have pushed it. Rash and careless.” Henry is rambling, but isn’t that the point of therapy? “Sometimes I think I reread Jane Austin too much, because I can’t help pining. Fantasizing. I thought, sure, he’ll see our mutual attraction eventually, and I can wait, and generally, or I can resist making idiotic choices I like to think I’m patient, but-"

He stops speaking abruptly and looks away from her sharp gaze. Even after so many years of therapy, it's still hard for him to talk about his feelings.

"But what Henry?" Shannon gently prods him.

"But I was...I got jealous when I saw them kissing and I just couldn't wait any longer for him to be ready. I know it was not fair, but I’ve known for years now.” He sighs. “I was actually just waiting for Pez to have his fun so we could leave. But...but Alex- he came outside looking for me and he was infuriating and couldn’t take a hint. I just couldn't stop myself. God, I'm such an idiot."

"Henry, we have talked about this before. Not everything is your fault. You need to understand that.” She pauses as if to give him an opportunity to agree with her. When he doesn’t, she continues, “And you told me Alex kissed you back so how can you be sure that he doesn't know that he’s queer?"

"Because I know Alex. I’m his best friend, we’ve talked for hours on end and he’s an obliviously stupid prat and I'm in love with him!" Henry snaps, but Shannon already has an answer ready for that.

"Yes Henry, but it doesn't mean that it was a mistake. You may be in love, but that doesn’t mean you know everything about him and his relationship with his sexuality. You aren’t a mind reader. Maybe he’s just playing dumb, and it’s a farce just like yours. The difference is you appear heterosexual while he appears to be oblivious. You can't know for sure."

That gives Henry something to think about, and he goes quiet for several moments.

Could it be that Alex acting so oblivious was just for the public? But that couldn't be. He knows Alex, knows him, knows him. Not only from the months of constant texting and late-night phone calls but also from countless tabloids and magazines. It didn’t feel like Alex was hiding anything from him. But who knows? Maybe he did it so that he could be himself but still not be himself. Maybe, he could enjoy the queerness but pretend not to know in order to save his political career?

No, that is not the Alexander Gabriel Claremont Diaz, he has come to know. He would be out and proud if he knew. Henry suddenly registers the fact that he is overthinking again when Shannon calls his name.

"Yes, Shannon?" Henry asks politely. Apparently she’d been speaking, but he has no idea what she was saying.

“You can tell me what you’re thinking, you know. That’s literally my job.” She smiles wryly and he grants her a weak laugh. “I was just saying that you can’t possibly try to know what he’s thinking about the kiss, or where he is with his sexuality.”

“Exactly! That’s the other thing.” Henry shakes his head. “Maybe I’ve been wrong this whole time. I thought I knew what he wanted, and that I knew what I wanted, but now I don’t know anything. Maybe Alex is just a very flirty guy. Maybe it’s just an American thing. I haven’t been friends with an American before-”

“Henry”

“- and he was drunk and I kissed him and he probably thinks I took advantage. At the very least, I ran away like a scared twelve-year-old.”

“Let’s try to take a non-judgemental stance here,” suggests Shannon gently. “And for now, let’s just imagine a hypothetical. What if you were right all along, and he really does like you? That’s very much possible, so let’s explore what that would mean, yeah?

Henry shrugs noncommittally.

“You mentioned a couple of weeks ago that you think that if you two get too close you’ll be doomed,” she continues. “Do you still think that?”

“Well, yeah,” replies Henry, looking at his hands. “If he likes me -which I’m not sure he does anymore- then inevitably he’ll get sick of me. I like him so, so much, you know? He might be attracted to me, but he can’t possibly like me the way I like him. And even if by some horrible miracle he does like me back, then what? I’m a bloody prince and he’s an aspiring politician, and there’s no way it wouldn’t end in disaster. The whole world would be looking at us. I’m just… I’m…”

“You’re afraid of getting hurt.”

“I… I guess. Yeah. I feel like I’m about to fall off a cliff, holding onto the unstable rocks, and I have no idea where I’ll land.” Henry chuckled a little at his cliche metaphor. “He must think I’m a complete tosser.”

“Henry,” she gives him that Therapist Look. “You can’t read minds. Journal on that topic this week?”

Henry sighs and nods, letting that sink in. She has said it before, numerous times, and Henry never quite believes her.

They sit in silence before Shannon redirects the conversation.

"When are you meeting Alex again?"

That's an easy question, Henry has known the answer ever since he left D.C. He answers immediately, "Oh never."

"Henry," Shannon reprimands.

"No, you don't get it. I'm going to be murdered if I so much as go within 10 feet near Alex."

"No.” She’s holding back a laugh as she tries to look stern. “The answer is that you're going to the state dinner and you're going to talk to Alex like a mature adult and listen to what he says instead of guessing what he’s thinking. Meanwhile, I want you to think about what we discussed today and tell me next week what you might want to say to him."

"Hour's up then?" Henry asks, because he suddenly can't wait to get out of Shannon’s office. He needs time to think about everything. Or maybe he needs time to avoid thinking about anything.

"We have five more minutes, but if you don't have anything to add today, we can end early." Shannon smiles warmly at him and he knows that if he wishes to continue she wouldn’t mind, but right now he can't. Enough talking of emotions for one eternity, thank you.

So he leaves and as he hurries to the car he texts Shaan: SOS I need about a million boxes of Jaffa Cakes from the nearest corner shop.

Then, sliding into the back seat: Please.

…

The weeks pass by quickly with Henry trying his best to ignore Alex's texts and trying to convince everyone that he oughtn’t to go to the state dinner in D.C. No one listens to him, not Shannon or even Pez. Not even his own sister, rather Bea tries to make him see reason as to why he should go.

It's all 'you never know,’ 'just trust me, Hen' and other bits of vague encouragement. Predictably, Bea decides to drop Henry off at the airport herself so he can't escape at the last minute. When he accuses her of this, however, she’s all 'Can’t a girl escort her dear younger brother to the airport, or what?’

As they leave Kensington palace she explicitly instructs his PPOs that Henry should at all costs stay in America for the allotted time and should not be allowed back even a minute too soon. Shaan, for some reason, seems extremely happy to hear those instructions and can't stop smiling. Henry scowls at him whenever he sees him, thinking that he is Henry's personal equerry. It’s a lot.

"Do I really have to, Bea?" he asks her as they near the airport.

"Henry, you know this is important and by that, I do not mean the state dinner. That can go fuck itself for all I care, but you need to talk to Alex. Hiding from him like this is doing no one any good. Talk to him, see what he says and do not overthink this, Hen please." Bea squeezes his hand lightly as the car stops.

They walk silently side by side to the plane where Bea hugs him and sees him off.

As the plane starts to take off, the panic that had been sedated by her hug starts to grow again, fiercer than ever. Henry keeps repeating the same phrase throughout the flight.

Don't overthink this. It's going to be okay.

[minyoongijjangjjangmanboongboong]

Ephemera Chapter Nineteen (END)

Ephemera: In art, transitory written and printed matter (receipts, notes, tickets, clippings, etc.) not originally intended to be kept or preserved.

Alternatively, things that exist or are used for only a short time.

Description: Nobody knows who Vante really is. Everything about the popular artist is shrouded in secrecy: from his face to his name to everything in between. After years of working for his art gallery, Y/N feels she may just be the closest thing he has to a friend. Between her success at work and her relationship with campus hot-shot Jeon Jungkook, Y/N’s life has never been better. But is Jungkook truly who he says he is? And who will Y/N protect now that she knows Vante’s livelihood may be on the line?

Genre: Romance, Drama, Fluff, Angst

Pairing: Jungkook x (f) Reader x Taehyung

Word Count: 7.0k

Tags: Non-Idol!Au, Gang!Au, Art History Student!Reader, Film Student!Jungkook, Art Student!Taehyung

Warnings: Swearing and mentions of alcohol, although infrequently

A/N: GUYS THE ALBUM!! THE MV!! JAMAIS VU, MAKE IT RIGHT, DIONYSUS!! TRULY THE BOPS OF ALL BOPS I CANNOT BELIEVE THE LEVEL OF ARTISTRY! EVERY TIME I THINK THEY’VE GOTTEN AS GOOD AS IS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, THE DO SOMETHING BETTER!! God, I loved it. Anyway, this chapter! Haha we’ve finally reached the end of our journey! I can’t believe it, really. Anyway, please don’t be shy and send feedback, critique, questions, theories, and comments my way. I’ll be sure to respond to all asks I receive within a day of receiving them! Links will be added later, so for now check my masterlist to find previous chapters!

And again, if you want to follow my Twitter, my username is @/plzpunchmebts. I’m super active over there and hopefully in the future I’ll do some livestreams/chats with you all! And concert videos!!

ALSO BIG UPDATE: I’ll be taking a couple weeks off from writing series’ until after the BTS concert on May 4. I don’t want to get into a posting routine only to have to throw it off for that weekend. That said, I’ll be working on finishing REALLY OLD requests that I haven’t gotten to yet, so I’ll be posting! Just not series. (Although, I do have my next series planned and started. If you guys want spoilers for that, plz send me an ask hehe)

- Mercury

Previous Chapter – Next Chapter

Masterlist

Weekly updates: Sunday, 1PM (PST)

My daughter,

I’m sure this letter comes as a bit of a shock to you. It’s a bit of a shock to me as well. I don’t know exactly where to start.

Leaving you was the hardest decision I ever had to make. But now that you’re older, I hope you can understand me. Even just a little. You were the biggest hope in my life, but I didn’t feel worthy of you. I didn’t want to raise a daughter whose only mother was dependent on someone else to support her. I didn’t have any options in the countryside, but I thought if I went to Seoul and came home successful…maybe you’d grow to respect me.

It sounds selfish writing it down. It was selfish. I am selfish.

To be honest, I didn’t intend on reaching out to you. As it stands, I’m working for a small company as a web designer. Not exactly the lofty dream I had when I left. I didn’t want to face you until I’d made something of myself, so you’d understand why I had to leave. But…well, things change over time I suppose.

I keep a close eye on the tabloids in Seoul because of my job, and when the news about Vante dropped I was intrigued. Truthfully, I’d been trying to get in with him for years. Ever since he showed up in the art scene. I wanted to help him market himself online.

I was perplexed, however, considering the fact that he seems quite reclusive and yet had a female companion with him in almost every photo. For a while, I was trying to figure out who that girl was so I could reach out to her. And as it turns out…you know the rest.

I don’t want you to think I’m exploiting you. I’d never want to do something like that. I’m really glad you were the girl, and not just for career aspects. I was shocked when I found out, and I immediately called a PI to find your address. It wasn’t cheap. But being able to speak with you after so long is a blessing.

I’d love to meet with you in person. Catch up. Talk about what you’ve been up to all these years. You’ve grown into such a beautiful young lady, and you’re doing so many exciting things. I’d love to hear all about them.

Please meet me at the address below on Sunday at 1 PM if you can. It’s a little coffee shop I like. I think it might be a nice place to reunite.

And I apologize for not writing a return address. I’m not sure how you’ll receive this, and I don’t want any legal trouble should you decide this letter is worth litigation.

Hoping to see you there.

Sincerely,

Mom

I’d read and reread the letter enough times to burn the script into my mind forever. If I shut my eyes, her words still floated around on the blacks of my lids. I’d never expected to hear from her again, and was content living my life independently from hers. Perhaps some deep, dark part of me was hoping to rub my success in her nose somehow, but…not like this. The nerve of her. To reach out to me after all these years…

Just because I knew Taehyung.

Something about that stung me in a place that was too tender to look at closely. I didn’t know why the pain was so visceral, but it felt deeper than just a blow to the ego.

I stared at the letter sitting on my coffee table, wrinkled and worn from my chronic folding and unfolding. It had only been a day, and my mind was still swimming in the letter. What right did she have to disrupt my life this way? Who was she to me anyway to be able to affect my waking hours? To consume my thoughts?

I sighed and flipped it over so I only saw my address. What a joke. She thought I might hand over the letter to the police or something? Everything about the letter disgusted me.

So why was that address now burned in the back of my mind?

I touched my pointer finger to my necklace, the ruby one Taehyung had given me so long ago, as I waited in the Sanyo Industries reception room. Yoongi sat beside me, playing with his hands. As decided during our meeting, Yoongi and I were dressed sharp: him in a nice pair of slacks and a pressed button-down, and me in my work skirt and a blouse I had to steam to get the wrinkles out. The reception area was vast, a wide room with wide windows and lots of empty space. The employee behind the desk eyed us now and then, and it was clear by the way she’d received us that she knew exactly who Yoongi was. She’d practically stuttered out her greeting as we entered the modern-looking office.

“Why should the son of a CEO have to wait in the reception office?” I mumbled under my breath with a sigh.

I hadn’t bothered asking Yoongi if he’d gone to meet Nara like I suggested, mostly for his own sake. Emanating from Yoongi’s very core was a jittery sense of anticipation. His eyes flashed wildly around the room, toward the elevators, toward the front doors, toward the marble floor. I’d never seen him so visibly nervous. He was always like Troy, impregnable. But it seemed his father was his own Trojan Horse, his undoing. I eyed him, awaiting a reaction, but none came. Almost like he didn’t hear me at all.

I gave his arm a poke and raised my brows as he jumped and looked at me with wide eyes. “Huh?” he asked, swallowing hard.

I sighed and crossed my arms. “Yoongi, you don’t look so good,” I said, tone softening as I watched him with furrowed brow.

He inhaled sharply and held his breath for a few seconds before letting it out in a puff that startled the receptionist. “Sorry,” he said quietly.

I smiled, attempting a gentle pat, but he was so jumpy that the touch of my palm on his shoulder almost made him shout. “If this is too much, you can go. Honestly, we mostly needed you to get me inside,” I said, then rolled my eyes and glanced out onto the street where Namjoon stood, smoking a cigarette. “Well, me and that idiot.”

Yoongi shook his head and braced himself on his knees, knuckles white as he held on to the tops of his knees. “No,” he said, shutting his eyes with a steadying breath. “I’m not here just to help you guys.”

I nodded. “Listen…you wanting to take responsibility — for yourself and for Nara — it’s really noble. I respect it. But…well, if you don’t mind me being a little nosy, you seem super rattled. I don’t know if this is the best move for your sake,” I said, watching him for any reaction.

He only opened his eyes and nodded, somber. “It’s probably stupid,” he said with a humorless laugh. “But…after spending so long with my head in the sand, I guess the guilt of it is catching up with me.”

“Guilt?”

He shrugged. “How many innocent people have had their lives ruined by my dad’s business? How many people like Nara have I just…left behind? Because it was too much responsibility?”

I raised my brows. “This is the first time I’ve heard you talking about reformation. You seemed a bit ambivalent,” I said, then shrugged. “Like Seokjin.”

“Neither of us are ambivalent, Y/N,” he said seriously, finally meeting my eyes head-on. “We both grew up seeing all the corruption and didn’t see any ways of making it better. Rather than ambivalent…we became cynical.”

I smoothed down my skirt, thinking. “I bet you’re not the only ones to become disillusioned,” I said, recalling that letter on my coffee table with a scowl. “Sometimes all we can do is accept that things are messed up and try to do the right thing on our own.”

He shook his head. “But what if I can’t accept that anymore?” he asked, brows knit as he implored me with his tender gaze. “What if I’ve been accepting it to avoid doing the right thing? Because the right thing is hard?”

I blinked at him, disarmed by the vulnerability in his eyes. “Yoongi…”

“I don’t deserve a free pass,” he said, serious as he scanned me. “Not when people are getting hurt.”

“What do you plan on doing?” I asked, raising my brows.

He settled back against his seat and his jitters slowed, knees stopping their anxious bounce. He anchored his gaze on something far away, perhaps something not physically here at all. “I’m gonna fix it.”

“Fix it?”

“The company,” he said with a steady nod. “From the inside. I’m gonna make it so that people don’t get hurt anymore. Like Ori.”

I watched him for a long moment, watched the way his jaw went staunch against his neck, and couldn’t help but admire his determination. Righteous outrage and a little bit of guilt. I exhaled in a puff and smirked, eyeing him sidelong. “Min Yoongi,” I said, and he glanced at me. There was an innocence in the rounds of his eyes, in the expectation in his parted lips. “You’ll do great,” I finished with a smile. I gave his shoulder a pat and nodded once.

He met my eyes and, slowly, a halfway there smile touched his features and he returned my nod. “Thanks,” he said, chuckling once, sharp.

“Excuse me?” called the receptionist, sounding uncertain. She had risen to her feet and was staring at us with her hands clasped in front of her stomach. She gave a smile I recognized from wearing it myself at work. “Mr. Min is ready to see you.”

I nodded and gave her a bow before catching Namjoon’s eye outside and jerking my head toward the elevator. He quickly stomped out his cigarette and rushed inside, smelling strongly of nicotine. I gave him a grimace and he responded with a smile, resting his hand on the small of my back and leading me down the hallway toward the elevator.

“Ah! Do you need help finding the office?” the receptionist called, craning her neck to peer after us.

Yoongi chuckled and shook his head, waving at her as he called for the elevator. “I think we’ll be okay. Thank you,” he said with a smile her way.

She blinked a few times before adjusting her hair and bowing, her head disappearing back around the corner. And, in silence, the three of us entered the elevator.

The CEO of Sanyo Industries was not the imposing man I was expecting. Perhaps I’d built him up as some sort of malevolent deity, but looking at him sitting in a chair that looked several inches too big for him, glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose, it was hard to see Mr. Min as the ruthless businessman I knew he was.

The office was spacious, like the reception area, and decorated with classic mahogany browns and deep reds. It looked like the sort of office you’d see in a rich man’s mansion. But Mr. Min himself didn’t quite match it. Mousy in the face with sallow skin and salt-and-pepper hair, he looked like someone’s quiet uncle, the one you only see at family get-togethers who you have trouble even making small talk with.

He cleared his throat and stared up at Yoongi and I, raising his brows. “Son,” he began, then chuckled, rubbing his nose bridge and shutting his eyes. “Is this some sort of marriage announcement?”

Yoongi sighed. “You’d know about any marriage before I would, Dad,” he said, eyes going dull.

“Well then, what brings you two here?” he asked, eyeing me. “And furthermore, who are you if not a fiancé?”

I glanced at Yoongi, waiting for him to speak. But he simply kept his eyes ahead, perhaps trying to tether himself to reality somehow. It wasn’t a part of the plan for me to be too vocal. And besides, I wasn’t so sure it was safe to speak much. If what yoongi said about his father was anything to go by, I’d be smart not to oppose him.

Namjoon had planned everything pretty meticulously. For the first time since arriving, I felt concerned that I’d mess up my role. And with Namjoon himself waiting outside the office so as not to spook Mr. Min right off the bat, I felt ill at ease with all of his attention squarely on me.

I played with the pendant on my necklace. “Uh,” I began, meeting the CEO’s eyes once more. “I’m, uh…I…work with Yoongi.”

He cocked a brow and smirked. “Ah, another criminal?” he asked, scoffing. “Really, Yoongi, when are you going to come to your senses and get serious?” His tone had taken a shift. Gone were the fleeting moments of jest and teasing. In its place was nothing short of frightful intensity, his gaze on Yoongi, boring into him through thin-rimmed glasses.

“Today,” said Yoongi, facing his father. “If things go well.”

Mr. Min leaned back and coughed a little, one of those innocuous old-man sounds that once again threw me for a loop. Was he any suburban dad you might see at the Han River or was he a cutthroat criminal?

“That’s…very good news,” he said, then eyed me with a scowl. “Although if you’re looking to get your friend a job, I can confidently say not a chance.”

I was nearly hurt by his comment before remembering just what sort of company he ran. I took my bruised pride and, clearing my throat, crossed my arms. “I’m not looking for work,” I said.

He hummed. “Well, Yoongi, I can’t say I’m unhappy to hear about your change of heart,” he said, giving Yoongi the ghost of a smile.

Yoongi cleared his throat and rubbed his palms together. “There’s a condition.”

“Condition?” asked Mr. Min, his expression darkening.

“Call off your hit on Ori.”

He chuckled. “You think having you under my wing is worth letting my biggest competitor go?” he asked, raising his brows. “That’s shockingly confident. Even for you.”

Yoongi shook his head. “No,” he said, locking eyes with his father. “I know that’s not enough.”

“Then what’s the rest of your bid?” he asked with a smirk. “You know you can’t prove I’ve got a hit on Ori.”

I cleared my throat and took a step forward, rifling through my bag to grab my phone. “That’s,” I began, but had to pause since my phone was hidden beneath my wallet. I chuckled to myself, nervous, and continued once I had my cell phone in my hand. “That’s where I come in.”

Mr. Min stared at me, but his teasing once again halted. Quietly, I pressed play on my cell phone. The recording played and I took the moment of respite to lean back, inelegant and unceremonious, to knock on the door twice, alerting Namjoon to his cue.

Mr. Min’s gaze went hard like obsidian and it locked on me. “That’s Kim Seokjin?”

Yoongi stepped forward, crossing his arms. “Take action against Jin and we’ll release the recording and tell the press. You might not be aware, but Y/N has become pretty intimately familiar with news outlets these days, being Vante’s secret woman and everything.”

Mr. Min’s face flushed and his eyes skittered between us like a cornered animal. “You’re her…,” he said with a nod. He rubbed his temples and an almost childish smile touched his face. Shutting his eyes, he nodded again as the door opened and Namjoon stepped inside. “You’ve outplayed me, haven’t you?”

Yoongi adjusted his cuffs and cleared his throat. “Sorry, Dad,” he said, sighing. “But I can’t sit back and watch you ruin people’s lives anymore.”

His father opened his eyes and they were sharp, angry, but there was a margin of respect in them. “So this is your offer? You come on under me and you don’t air Sanyo’s dirty laundry?”

Yoongi nodded once sharply. “Yes.”

He smirked and glanced at Namjoon who had taken the spot at my other side. “I suppose you’re here to discuss the logistics,” he said, chuckling. “You two can leave. This is a discussion between businessmen.”

Namjoon grinned and pulled out the plush chair in front of Mr. Min’s desk before settling in. “It is,” he said, turning around to smile at Yoongi and me. “I’ll meet you two downstairs when we’re done here,” he continued. Yoongi and I each turned halfway toward the door, and as my fingers clasped around the doorknob, Namjoon called, “Oh and Y/N?”

I glanced at him over my shoulder. “Yes?” I asked, eager to leave the intimidating place.

He smirked. “Have your friend send her resume to my secretary. She’ll schedule her for an interview with my hiring department.”

A small smile spread across my face as I opened the door. I nodded and he returned it, grinning. “I will,” I said, leading Yoongi out into the hallway once more.

I awoke to pounding at my front door. Groaning, I rubbed my eyes and pushed myself upright on the couch. I must have fallen asleep shortly after returning home from Sanyo. Namjoon had emerged two hours later with a big grin and a new contract with Yoongi’s father stating neither company would attack the other moving forward. And although Namjoon hadn’t been the one to strike first, his strategic prowess had proven extremely useful as by the end Mr. Min was offering a collaborative project. Namjoon wouldn’t tell me whether he’d accepted the project or not, but I suspected I knew his principles well enough to know exactly where he’d told Mr. Min to shove that offer.

Yoongi had stayed behind to hash things out with his dad, and he told me not to worry about him. Of course, I worried anyway, because as his back retreated back toward the elevator, he looked so small. Too small for this big corporate world.

But my worries were quickly assuaged as he turned slightly before entering the elevator and shot me a playful smirk and a wink. As I moved to respond, he quickly hopped into the elevator and that was the last I saw of him.

Once I’d gotten home, I’d practically fallen into a puddle on the couch, turning on the TV and letting whatever cable show was on play as my mind wandered away from me. I wasn’t sure when I’d fallen asleep or how long I’d been out, but the knocking was incessant and demanding.

Groggy, I wandered toward the door and opened it without checking the peephole, rubbing the back of my head with a groan. “Hello?”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

I pried my eyes open and saw Taehyung fuming in the doorway. I furrowed my brow and blinked at him. “What time is it?”

He sighed. “It’s midnight. Why are you still dressed up?” he asked, finally scanning me before shaking his head and waving his hands. “No, that’s not important! Why did you keep this whole plan from me? Don’t I have the right to know?”

My senses had returned to me and, gently, I took his forearm and led him inside the apartment. He followed, albeit unwillingly, and pouted down at me. He was dressed in leisure wear, likely having run here from his apartment once Namjoon told him what happened without so much as grabbing a jacket.

I sat him down on the couch and smiled. “I’m sorry,” I said.

He opened his mouth to say something but shut it quickly with a sigh, gripping his nose bridge. “Shit,” he mumbled. “I can’t scold you if you apologize first.”

I laughed and nodded. “I know,” I said, then shook my head. “I really am sorry, for what it’s worth.”

He eyed me from between his fingers and cocked a brow. “Why didn’t you tell me, though? Really?”

I rubbed his arm with a smile. “I didn’t want you to take this on too,” I said. “With everything that happened with the gala…I figured you’d do something unnecessary again. You’d handle things on your own and demand I stay out of it,” I began, pausing to rub my hands together. “I know it’s annoying, but I thought that there had to be a way to fix things without someone sacrificing themselves.”

“What about your friend? That Yoongi kid? Didn’t he sacrifice himself?” he asked.

I chuckled, remembering that mischievous wink, that boy with his head in his computer, that guy who saved a stray dog and bought expensive food for it. “No,” I said, smiling. “He’s found something new to be passionate about.”

Taehyung sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I hate that I can see your point,” he said, shaking his head. “I wish I could’ve helped you more.”

Gently, I touched the pendant on my collarbone and smiled at him. “You did help, Taehyung,” I said, and his eyes flashed toward me. “More than you can possibly know. You showed me that I’m stronger when I speak out. That I have what it takes to advocate for myself.”

His shoulders slumped with a sigh and he glanced toward the coffee table where Mom’s letter still sat, wrinkled. “You would’ve figured it out on your own eventually,” said Taehyung with a pout.

I smiled. “No,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t think I would have.” I sighed and watched the letter as if it might change the longer I looked at it. “It took you to shake it out of me.”

“Well…that’s one contribution at least,” he said with a sigh.

“It bothers me.”

He sat upright and stared at me wide-eyed. “Huh?”

I shook my head. “Not that you’ve been helping me, but that it took someone else pushing me for me to finally get myself together,” I said, brow furrowed as I leaned back against the couch cushions. I crossed my arms and stewed over it, still staring at the letter. “I feel like everything I’ve done has been because of either you or Jungkook.”

Taehyung stiffened. “Wait, what?”

I sat up and frowned. “Yeah. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get,” I said, thinking about that stupid letter. If not for Taehyung, I probably would never have heard from my mom again.

“Y/N, you just got home from blackmailing a billionaire CEO,” he said, raising his brows. “I don’t think any of that had to do with me or Jungkook.”

I shook my head. “I dunno,” I said, trying to name the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Taehyung sighed and leaned into the couch, glancing up toward the TV. “What’re you watching?”

“I’m not sure,” I said, reclining beside him albeit uneasily as my thoughts kept swirling.

We both watched the screen for a moment and I felt the call of sleep beckoning again. Why with Taehyung did I always fall asleep? Perhaps he was a comfortable person. Our relationship had after all began when he left me trinkets while I slept at work.

“My agent wants me to start thinking about doing a documentary,” he said, like the thought couldn’t remain in his head.

I hummed. “Weird,” I said with a nod. “About you?”

“Yeah. Since public interest is so high right now, she thinks it might be a good time to start working on something,” he said, then shook his head. “But I don’t wanna be followed by a big film crew that I don’t know and everyone she’s suggested has been awkward.”

“Hm,” I said, resting my head against the back of the couch, eyes fluttering shut.

“I just want a small company, you know? If I’m going to do it, that is,” he continued, but his voice was growing more and more distant.

And before I knew it, I was asleep.

“Hey-wait, what the fuck?”

“Oh…sorry.”

“I…you…what are you even doing here?”

“I fell asleep.”

“Why were you here late?”

“Because I-…ah, forget it.”

I groaned and rolled over, tumbling off the couch and onto the rug. I stared up at the front door, the source of the noise, and saw Jungkook in the doorway. Smiling, I gave him a wave and pushed up to my bottom.

“Morning,” I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.

Jungkook gave me a pout. “Don’t give me that cute face,” he said, jerking a thumb at Taehyung who, by that point, I’d only just begun to register as being in my apartment at all. “What’s he doing here?”

“He came over last night to scold me,” I said, standing to my feet with the help of the coffee table. My fingers brushed Mom’s letter and I recoiled like I’d touched a hot stove.

“Scold you?” asked Jungkook, eyes round. He tuned to Taehyung and frowned. “Why were you scolding her? And why didn’t you do it during business hours?”

“Jungkook,” I said, laughing as I approached. I gave his shoulder a pat before breezing past him into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I’d slept in my work skirt and blouse, so both were horribly wrinkled now. Great, and I still had to get to work in a few hours. “What are you doing here, Kook?” I called out into the hallway.

But to my surprise, both boys had followed me in to the bathroom and were beginning to cram themselves into the small space with me. I shouted as Jungkook shoved my pelvis into the countertop with his hip so he could perch on the toilet seat. Taehyung left a more reasonable distance between us and lingered in the doorway.

“I heard about what happened with Yoongi. Jin told me Yoongi’s leaving Bangtan and gave me an out too,” he said, then gave Taehyung a cautious look. “Can I talk about this with him?”

I chuckled and nodded, swishing my mouth with water. “Mhm,” I said.

Taehyung hummed. “So you’re leaving the shady business?”

Jungkook, his defenses lowering, nodded and returned his eyes to me. “Yeah. I want to do what I love instead.”

“What do you love?” asked Taehyung.

“I wanna make movies,” said Jungkook with a soft smile. “I bet you’d get it, being an artist and everything.”

Taehyung smiled and nodded. “Boy do I,” he said with a sigh. “Deciding to leave home and go it alone was really tough, but once I did it I never regretted it. Not even for a second.”

Jungkook grinned. “That’s comforting to hear, at least.”

I glanced between them a few times as the beginnings of a scheme began working in my brain. “You two are actually really similar, now that I think about it,” I said with a nod.

Jungkook scoffed. “No way,” he said with a snort.

I shot a warning glance at him and he quieted down. “I mean it,” I said. “You both see beauty in the ordinary and want to capture that.”

Taehyung raised his brows. “Is that something you’re interested in, Jungkook?”

He pouted and shrugged, watching the floor. “Yeah, I guess.”

Taehyung chuckled. “Man, I wish I would’ve known sooner! I take photos, so if you ever want to go and get some material, I’m free.”

Jungkook glanced up with wide eyes. “Huh?” he asked.

Taehyung nodded. “Yeah. Video is really dynamic, but I don’t have an eye for it. I’d love to see your process.”

Jungkook smiled, just a little, and sat up straighter. “Wait, you mean it?”

“Yeah, of course,” said Taehyung with a laugh. “Give me your number and we can plan something.”

I smiled knowingly and leaned back against the wall so the two could exchange contact information. “You know,” I began, rubbing Jungkook’s shoulder. “Jungkook’s working for a film company now.”

Jungkook stiffened. “N-Not yet! I just sent off my video, but-,”

“But you’re in. I saw that video, Kook. And, as an art curator, I’m telling you it’s good,” I said.

Taehyung’s eyes went wide. “For real?” he asked.

Jungkook shrugged, his knees spread wide as he sat slumped slightly. “Yeah. Probably, anyway.”

Taehyung scoffed. “Well…I might have a really big project for you guys if you’re interested.”

Jungkook stiffened. “What?”

“Let’s chat about it today. Y/N, do you mind if I steal him for a while?” asked Taehyung.

I smiled and gestured toward Jungkook with both hands. “He’s all yours.”

Jungkook glanced up at me, wide-eyed. “Wait, what’s happening?”

I chuckled. “Meet me after work, okay?” I asked with a smile, patting his shoulder as I slid past both of them to get ready for my shift.

As I was getting ready to leave work, I noticed a few text messages on my phone from while I was working. Smiling, I unlocked it and read over the text.

Nararawr: I’ve got an interview with Ori.

Nararawr: The receptionist said I had to interview properly if I wanted the job, no handouts.

Nararawr: IDK you did, but…thank you. I’ll be sure to do my best!

Nararawr: Yoongi came by my class on Monday. I assume that’s also your doing :P

Nararawr: He said he had some things to explain to me, so we’re meeting up on Friday to talk about everything. Methinks it’s a…*gasp*…DATE?!

Nararawr: At any rate, thank you. I won’t waste this opportunity. Thank you for letting me get this myself. I appreciate you more than I say.

I ran a finger along my screen and chuckled. Of course he’d gone. I knew he would. Gently, I typed out a response.

Y/N: Hey, I didn’t do much. I’m just glad everything worked out. Let’s meet up on Saturday to chat! I’ve also got some things to explain to you. And besides I wanna hear about you…*gasp*…DATE?!

I smiled and slid my phone into my purse, removing my ascot and stuffing it inside along with it. The shift was quick, quicker than usual as I’d been scheduled during a busier time of day. The midday rush had died down by the end, and Areum gave me a four-fingered wave goodbye as I made my way back toward the exit from the break room. But as I stepped into the hall, Mr. Kwon jogged up behind me and grabbed my shoulder. I jumped a little and spun around to face him.

“Y/N! Thank God I caught you,” he said with a breathless laugh.

I smiled and gave him a bow. “Is there anything I can help you with, Sir?” I asked.

“If you have time, I’d love you to join me for a meeting right now,” he said.

“With who?” I asked.

“It’s-,” he began, but paused with a chuckle.

He grinned and glanced over my shoulder as the elevator dinged and out walked a few familiar faces. No way. Two of the Japanese philanthropists I’d sold paintings to all those weeks ago. It felt like a lifetime. I bowed deeply at each of them.

“Hello,” I said once I stood upright once more.

“Ah! Are you going to be in the meeting as well?” asked one man with a smile.

I took a peek at Mr. Kwon who gave me an encouraging nod and a smile, and turned back to the philanthropists. “Um…yes,” I said with a smile.

“Wonderful!” he said. “I was telling Mr. Kwon that we’d love to have you.”

“Have me…?” I began, but Mr. Kwon simply laughed and shuffled me back into the gallery, leading all of us to his office.

I stared at the letter on my coffee table, now dressed in my favorite turtleneck and the same skirt I’d worn to meet Jungkook for our study date, months and months ago. Any minute, he’d show up in his car, awaiting my arrival so we could go somewhere. Anywhere.

And still, here I was. Staring at that stupid letter. What did I think would happen if I kept looking at it? Would it suddenly sprout wings and fly away? Would it burn up in flames?

My phone buzzed and I knew he was here. I leapt to my feet and, without thinking, swiped the letter and pocketed it before rushing out the front door to meet Jungkook downstairs.

Jungkook and I sat beneath the dome stars, resting on a blanket in the grass at a park by my apartment. One I hadn’t been to in a long time. Neither of us was saying much, not after the initial flood of information exchange. How he was going to be in touch with Taehyung regarding that documentary, how the two are actually pretty compatible, how everything had gone with Yoongi at Sanyo.

Now there was just silence. The comfortable kind.

I knew I had to tell him about what had happened in the meeting today. If anyone needed to know, it was him.

But I let myself indulge in the silence for a moment longer. “My mom wrote to me,” I said, resting on my palms as I stared up at the fresh, cloudless autumn night sky. Stars splayed out like paint splatters.

Jungkook glanced at me, eyes wide. “She did?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah. She wants to meet me.”

“She…she does?”

“Yeah,” I said with a chuckle. “I thought…I thought I might feel really vindicated when this moment finally came, but I kinda just feel…empty.”

“Empty…,” repeated Jungkook softly.

I nodded. “Because she wants to meet with me to get to Taehyung,” I said with a nod. “Isn’t it a little pathetic? Reaching out to your estranged daughter once she can benefit you?” I chuckled. “And what’s more pathetic is that I’m actually considering going.”

“Y/N,” said Jungkook softly, chiding. “I’ll support whatever choice you make,” he said, eyes boring into me intently.

I smiled and leaned toward him, giving him a chaste peck, and nodded. “Thank you,” I said with a sigh. “You know, it’s been bothering me for a while now,” I said, touching the ruby necklace where it met my skin. “I wonder what I’d be on my own. Who I’d be. Without you or Taehyung or Dad or Nara or anyone supporting me.”

“That’s a sad thought,” said Jungkook softly.

I shook my head. “It’s not,” I said. “I wanna know, Jungkook. All my life…I’ve been holding on to people so tight that I forgot I’m also a person worth holding on to. I forgot that I’m a person at all.”

Jungkook reached out and laced our fingers gently, inching closer. “I understand.”

“And I appreciate you for that,” I said, chuckling. “But…I wanna know what I’m made of when I’m on my own. Up until now, the only thing making me move forward has been circumstance. I haven’t done anything by myself. I haven't grown because I actively wanted to become better, but because I’ve been forced to through my relationships with you. With Taehyung. With Namjoon. With…everyone.”

Jungkook nodded. “You wanna stand on your own two feet.”

“Yeah.”

“You wanna see what you’re capable of,” he said, smiling.

I smiled too. “Which is why I’m gonna take a job offer in Japan.”

Jungkook coughed a little, sputtering, before staring down at me with wide eyes. “Wait, what? Where the hell did that come from?”

I laughed. “Today, my boss at the gallery offered me a year-long position at a new gallery they’re opening in Tokyo. He’s been having these talks with a bunch of philanthropists who I sold paintings to. I guess they really wanted to have me on the team at least for the first year to train new employees. I’ll be done with my degree in a few months anyway and I’ll be a manager,” I said, watching his expression change from shock to something like respect, mingling with a tinge of sadness.

“I…Y/N, that’s incredible,” Jungkook said, laughing as he swept me up in his arms. “I mean, I’ll miss you like hell but this is an amazing opportunity. You’d be crazy not to take it.”

I smiled and held on to him tightly, inhaling the sweet, gentle scent of his cologne, feeling the firm expanse of his chest. He rubbed my side, tender, and pulled back to press his palm against my cheek, smiling. “Let’s call it…our test period,” I said with a grin. He raised his brows. “After everything that happened, I can’t say I trust you one-hundred percent.”

He nodded. “I get it.”

“So…this year abroad,” I began, resting my hand atop his as he smoothed his fingers against my cheek. “If we still feel the same way about each other when I get home, then we can start again. For real this time.”

He swallowed hard and smiled, his thumb rubbing circles into my warm skin. “A test period,” he repeated with a nod. “I know I’ll pass.”

I laughed and gave his stomach a poke. “Don’t get cocky. I also have to pass,” I said with a smile.

“I’ll make sure you pass,” he said with a wink.

I shoved him away and stuck out my tongue, miming gagging. “We’ll see,” I teased.

He smiled. “I’m really proud of you,” he said.

I raised my brows. “You are?”

He nodded. “A few months ago, you wouldn’t be able to take this opportunity. You would have held yourself back and let it go to someone else.”

I blinked at my lap as I thought. “I…I guess so, huh?”

“The you from before…I don’t think the you today would like her much,” he said with a chuckle. “Do you?”

The letter suddenly felt heavy in my pocket, like it was burning a hole. Without another word, I pulled it out and stared at it, off-white, worn at the corners. And I took it in both hands before yanking each corner, tearing it clean in half. And again. And again. And again and again until the pieces were small as confetti. Then I opened my palm and let the gentle, chilly breeze carry the scraps away, gone forever into the streets of Seoul.

“That was brave,” said Jungkook from beside me, rubbing my back.

I smiled, a sense of ease washing over me, and turned to him. “I’m about to do something braver,” I said, meeting his curious eyes with a smirk.

I reached out and clamped both hands on his cheeks. He gasped a little as I yanked his face down to meet mine. I tried to convey with a kiss exactly what I needed him to understand. That he wasn’t a bad person, just lost for a while. That he deserved to be happy. That he was strong and smart and talented and so full of potential. That what I felt for him wasn’t something transient, like receipts, like a memo. That it was forever.

He leaned into the kiss, deepening it slightly with a tilt of his head. His lips were sweet with chapstick and soft, never pushy, gentle always. And as I slowly let my fingers play with the hair at the nape of his neck, I felt him growing flushed, the heat from his face reaching mine through the small fraction of space between us.

Slowly, I pulled away and met his eyes, smiling. “I love you, too,” I said finally.

His eyes glittered with growing moisture and he smiled slightly, scoffing. “Jeez, baby,” he said, wiping his eyes. “You surprised me,” he mumbled.

I chuckled and reached around to the clasp on my necklace, removing it and holding it in my fingers. Slowly, I took his hand and flipped it palm up. I dropped the necklace and smiled at him.

“What’s this about?” he asked, eyeing me.

I closed his fingers around the necklace and patted his fist. “Hold on to that for me,” I said. “And don’t give it back to me until I come back from Japan.”

“Huh?”

“I’ll only take it back when I’ve proven that I can stand on my own two feet,” I said with a nod.

He furrowed his brow before meeting my gaze once more. “You want me to keep this for a year?”

I smirked. “It’ll also keep other girls from getting too cozy if they see that in your room.”

He gaped. “Y/N!” he shouted. “You really think I’m gonna be seeing other people while you’re gone?!”

I shrugged. “I dunno.”

“Wait…are you gonna see other people?!” he shouted, pointing an accusing finger my way.

“I dunno,” I repeated, giggling.

He frowned and leaned down to press a pouty kiss to my lips. “You’d better not or I’ll fly over there give you an earful.”

I laughed, ruffling his hair. “One year…are you sure you like me enough to hold out that long?”

His expression softened and he took my hand in his, pressing a kiss to my palm. “That much and more,” he said gently. “I’ll wait as long as I have to.”

And with that, I smiled and gave his hand a squeeze. I didn’t know where life would lead us, or what might change in a year. I wasn’t sure how I’d tell Dad, how I’d tell Nara. But I knew enough. I knew that the people in my life were good, that they deserved to be beside me. I knew that the ones who walked away from me weren’t meant to stay, and that they weren’t meant to come back either. I knew that the person I was becoming was someone I could finally believe in. And I knew that I could trust the people I loved to be there, always.

[multsicorn]

What are your top three favorite ships (relationships or friendships) at the moment?

At the moment! That’s a good question (thank you)....

Number one has definitely gotta be Jack/Parse, from Check Please. I can’t believe I’ve been obsessed with this ship for almost three years now! ... and I’ve got a discord where I talk about it more days than not. As to why, ugh, there’s an essay that I keep writing in my head about that... maybe tomorrow I’ll take a break from being almost done (any day) finishing my writing tools and actually write it instead. That’d be fun. Cause the thing about Failing At Life, you see....

Number two as of this week is Flint/Silver (though I believe the usual order is SilverFlint? but anyway) from Black Sails. Friendship? Relationship? Neither really applies to these two, exactly, but I’m very much a fan of something that in many ways resembles a relationship while keeping the shifting balance of power struggle and uncertainty of trust that they have in canon. Which is after all, what I find appealing. Everything from ‘in my head, you are not welcome’ to Flint shooting his own protection... jesus, it’s a lot. I love ships dancing on that thin line between enemies and everything else. (This is the other ship, btw, that I’ve been reading on ao3).

Third!... I don’t have a single good answer, so I’m going to cheat. (Don’t I always tend to do that? Ask me for three things, you’ll get seven. Or none. Cause I got overwhelmed by the seven. But, um, anyway.)

A couple of ships from things I’ve watched now/recently.

Third, cause I do spend more time thinking about it, cause I watched the series over a longer period of time (I do not like the current trend for binge tv... but that’s another post), and cause it has SONGS to listen to/watch forever, is Pearl/Rose from Steven Universe. (Rose/Pearl? idk.) “do it for her! that’s how you know you can win -“... I could quote every line of that song and write an essay just on it too but I will Not. (uh. maybe later. if anyone wants). Anyway - yeah - sure - the Pink Diamond reveal changed a lot of stuff - I really was into the original knight-and-lady dynamic, along with all the added great queerness/weirdness of how gems do things, and the complications of ‘I’ve got to be there for her son’ (also a wonderful! song!!! lol I love musicals). But I’m never gonna say no to adding fucked-up power dynamics in an angsty backstory. Who do you think I am.

And, fourth... Allison & Vanya (or possibly Allison/Vanya? I’m not definitively opposed) from The Umbrella Academy. ... The thing with the ordering here is that while I spend more time, I am sure, thinking about Rose/Pearl, I am more likely to read, and to read about, Vanya and Allison. So. ~shrug emoji~? And - the thing there - this is exactly what I said when liveblogging the show, I’m not sure I can be more specific - is “he made me his accomplice,” is “you left” - “I didn’t want to leave *you*”. I. just. okay. I did not grow up in an academy for superheroes, obviously, because those don’t real, but the way this show depicted a group of people dealing with their shared fucked-up childhood and family, was very extremely excessively #relateable to me, and Vanya and Allison most of all. That book! All those deliberate (and sometimes overly much) attempts at friendship! The near final confrontation and the actually final confrontation!!! I am making so much sense!!! ... but, anyway. When I first dug through the ao3 tags they were dire; I hope there may be something better now. And I want to do Something... I don’t know what... but Allison is not, I’d imagine, going to be sanguine about having her throat cut! for fucking ever. And Vanya’s not going to be quite as apologetic as she probably should. And I’m okay with incest - if someone else goes there - it’s not a hard no for me, generally, but since my feelings about this show are so very much, personally, about family... I don’t know if I’ll want to go there myself. Then again, the actresses are *damn* pretty, so maybe, lol.

(Honestly, I just? Don’t have the same ‘as long as it’s porn or angst or ideally both give it to me’ um, lack of standards at least at the start for f/f ships I love as for m/m. And I need material to fan the flames of fannishness. Hence, 1, 2, 3, 4... but I love these things, so I’d like to figure out how it can work for me.)

Anyway! I promised you seven, didn’t I? I can’t count. I meant six. Because, after, I love my old ships just as much, I think about them just as much, as newer ones. (No, not Glee. That’s just on my blog cause it’s still on my dash after all this time).

Fifth... I still think about my John Laurens (not anyone else’s, really, but mine), just about every fucking day. I left Hamilton fandom quite decisively, several years ago, for several reasons.. (oh, the ship is Hamilton/Laurens of course), but I can never shake that story I was gonna write and will never write. Apparently. - It goes like this.

John Laurens was trying to die in the war. For good reasons - his apparent utter inability to change anything in the world - (I know that’s not a good reason! don’t talk to me!) - and for worse ones (being gay, his lover married, feeling so guilty about the former that he wanted the latter, oh, John). He almost succeeded, at the very last minute - in history he did succeed. But in my AU, he wakes up - the war’s over - and he’s gotta figure out What To Do Next. “Dying is easy, living is harder,” yeah? One of the (many many many) things I loved about Hamilton is how it went in on that, only not for Laurens, of course, cause he died... and that’s the story that keeps singing in my brain; there are, fractally, lots of details, of course, but that’s the outline, the story of this ship.

Six! I need to finish this post. It is 1:24 am. So the fact that Roy/Ed from Fullmetal Alchemist (it is really a very great show - ships aside, when I rewatch, I just love it) is still enough of a favorite that I wanna count it will. Lol. Stand mostly on its own. I have been rereading rainjoys’ corpus of fic for them continually for a dozen years now. And just a few days ago I was talking irl about this great idea I had for a roleswap AU... even though it was inspired by shippynes, the AU itself isn’t shippy. It’ll, also, be a different post! And I love magic science and geniuses who disobey their commanders and it is 1:30 am goodnight <3.

[lovinitkpop]

Brown Sugar and Honey

This one is about a new girl group at SM. You could say EXO sister group there may be a love line put in it who really knows. I mean I know but then again I might not know. Heads up I’m sorry for any spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes after rereading it over and over I can’t deal with it.

Oh the reason I came up with this title is because the main OC is black and DO KyungSoo looks damn sexy and handsome when his skin is dark and tan and NOT WHITE WASHED!!!!! STOP THE WHITE WASHING!!!!!!!!

If there is a love line then it will be my first Kyungsoo series. Hope you like it but if you don’t guess what I don’t give two shits leave my blog then. Anyways enjoy bye.

Warnings: Fluffy, Angst, Language, Bullying, Stupid, May not make senses, Brain frat, May not have smut, Trigger, Suicide talk, Racism, Blood, etc.

Pairing: OC x DO Kyungsoo

Chapter 17

August 16, 2018

Renesmee walks around the company late at night after finishing practicing. “Yeah did you hear that news?” One lady says and Renesmee freezes and hides behind the corner.

“No what news?”

The group of ladies talk as the stand there getting there stuff to go. “The new girl group my be disband.” The woman says looking at the others.

“Oh yeah they said they aren’t doing that great so it maybe over for them.” One girl says looking up from her phone.

“I knew that girl would ruin this company.”

“Let’s go I hate being her this late; if they disband then good they’re horrible anyways.”

Renesmee stands there listening to the women as they speak. “When they first came out it was okay they did get that one award at the MAMA’s.”

“But I don’t think the group was ready to debut its best if they disband.” They keep talking as they walk down the hall not noticing Renesmee.

Renesmee watches as they leave and she slides to the floor her back against the wall. “This is all my fault.” She sighs closing her eyes leaning her head back.

After two more hours dancing Renesmee heads back to the dorms carrying her bag. She opens the door and walks in taking her shoes off.

Eunjin and Roxay look up hearing the door and they both run over seeing Renesmee. “Unnie!” They both hug her and she smiles hugging them back.

“I missed you girls too.” She says forcing her smile as she closes her eyes thinking about what the ladies said. “But why are you up?”

“We couldn’t sleep.” Roxay says looking at her. Renesmee just shakes her head as she lets them go. “We were worried about you.”

“Well I’m fine doctor says I’m good and I’m well rested.” Renesmee speaks as she walks to the kitchen. “So no need to worry now go get some sleep please.”

Renesmee looks back at them as she grabs her chips smiling. “Okay we’ll go to sleep unnie.” Eunjin says heading to her room and Renesmee nods watching her.

“I think I finished the outlines of the basic idea.” Roxay says before heading to their room and Renesmee hums following behind her. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine just thinking that’s all.”

August 18, 2018

“So how is it coming with the ending of the drama?” One man asks sitting at the table looking at Renesmee.

“She said she’ll have it done before the end of September.” Their manager says looking up from his notes and they all look at him. “She just got back with the others we don’t want to push it.”

The others agree nodding their head as they sit there. Renesmee just looks down at her lap the same words playing over and over in her head.

‘It’s a good thing they’ll disband.’

‘They suck anyways.’

‘It’s all her fault, she’s ruinning the company.’

‘They should have never debuted her.’

“I don’t think we should release the English album.” Renesmee speaks up not really paying attention to what’s going on. They all stop and look at her as they sit there.

“What?”

“It would be best just to the Korean and Chinese album only so we won’t waste to much money.” Renesmee says still looking at her lap still not really looking at any of them.

“It’s best if we don’t release anymore English albums.” She goes on before finally lifting her head to look at them. “It’s best for the company if we did that.” She nods her head and they all just there watching her.

“If that’s what you believe then so be it.” One of them says and Renesmee stands up bowing before leaving the room. “What was that about?”

Renesmee walks down the hall looking at the floor as she walks. As she walks Jungwoo and Chenle run over hugging her. She stops letting them and they step back looking at her.

“What’s wrong noona are you okay?” Chenle asks looking at her and she blinks looking up at them.

“Nothing I’m good just thinking.” She says putting on a fake smile. “What are you boys up to?” She asks tilting her head to the side.

“We’re taking a break before going back to practice.” Jungwoo says nodding as he smiles. “Our comeback is next week so we are getting ready for that.”

“Aren’t you girl preparing for a comeback too?” Chenle asks smiling as he looks at her and she nods pushing her hair to the side.

“Yeah a few days after you boys drop your MV ours comes out.” Renesmee folds her arms as she thinks looking around. “Oh I have more drinks for you boys I’ll bring them by your dorm.”

“Yeah did you ever work on the new flavor?” Jungwoo asks clapping his hands together. Renesmee covers her mouth as she giggles watching him.

“Yes I worked on the blueberry and wild berry flavors for you.” Renesmee slowly pulls her hands down smiling. “It did take a few tries to get the taste and color right so it balance out with the thickness.”

“Well we should let you go bye noona.” Jungwoo says as him and Chenle walk off. Renesmee smiles waving bye as she heads to one of the empty rooms to practice.

Renesmee sighs letting her smile drop as closed the door behind her. She walks over turning the sound system on pulling up the music. Renesmee clicks on the song then walks over getting to work on the dance.

Renesmee spends about 9 hours practicing going over each dance. As she finishes the last move she looks up seeing her reflection in the mirror. Renesmee falls to her knees seeing the tears run down her face as she break.

“This would explain why you haven’t been answering my calls or text.” Kyungsoo speaks up leaning against the wall folding his arms. Renesmee hiccups hearing him and she wipes her face. “Don’t try and hide it I’ve been standing here for 5 minuets.”

He pushes himself off the wall walking over to her and she just moves away hiding her face. Kyungsoo sighs stepping next to her and she stops. He sits down in front of her as he takes off his hoodie.

“Come here.” He says pulling her closer putting the hoodie on her. She gently whines not putting up a fight as he grabs her. He pulls her arms through the sleeves of the hoodie before pulling the hood up.

Once he finish he pulls her closer wrapping his arms around her. Renesmee closes her eyes resting her forehead on his chest feeling smaller than before. “Whenever you are ready to talk let me know.”

As she sits there crying Kyungsoo rubs her back resting his head on top of hers. “I don’t want to talk about.” She finally speaks after 20 minuets of crying.

“Why?”

She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. “Because if I tell you then you’ll want to help and I don’t want to get anyone in trouble and I don’t want the girls to know.” She speaks her voice cracking as she talks and he looks down at her.

“Nessie what’s going on?” He asks lifting her face so that she looks at him. She opens her eyes as he tilts her head back and she just stares at him not knowing what to say or how to say it.

“Tell me what’s going on.”

Renesmee closes her eyes pulling his hand away leaning back against his chest. “You can’t tell no one and you can’t do anything about it either.”

“But if you nee…”

“No!” She cuts him off looking at him again. “Please just let me handle this.” She begs looking at him as more tears run down her cheeks. Kyungsoo sighs closing his eyes as he nods.

“There’s talk going around about them disbanding the group.” She speak looking down at her lap. Renesmee grips her fist feeling angry and helpless. “It’s all my fault they won’t be together anymore because of me.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes go wide hearing her and he lifts her face again. “What are you talking about where did you hear this?” He asks watching her and she looks at him.

“A few days ago I was up here late and this group of women were leaving.” She closes her eyes as she speaks. “They were talking about it; ever since then more people talk.”

“And the others don’t know about this?” He asks and she shakes her head. “Okay then what are you going to do?” He asks wrapping his arm around her and she sighs thinking.

“I don’t know so far I told them that we should stick to only singing in Korean and Chinese.” She says pushing her hair behind her ear. “I would say try and get a win but who knows how long that will take.”

Renesmee voice cracks as she speaks and Kyungsoo lifts his hand wiping her tears as he listens to her. “Point is we…I mean me...I’m causing the company to lose money.”

She looks back up at him and he sighs. “Don’t say that, I’m sure there’s something we can do.” He says as he wipes her face. “I know you want to do this on your own but maybe this is one thing you can’t do.”

“I’m not going to push you but just know I’m here if you need help.” He speaks reassuring her and she nods resting her head against him again. “Low times….”

Kyungsoo speaks and Renesmee hums in confusion. “What?” She asks tilting her head a bit and he looks at her.

“337 Low times….being there for each other even when everything is going wrong and you feel low.” He says smiling and Renesmee covers her face trying not to laugh as she shakes her head.

“You’re still giving me reasons to tell what love is.” She laughs a little looking at him and he just smiles.

“Well it did get you to smile and I’m still waiting for you to say it.” He replies tickling her sides and she covers her mouth as she squeals.

“I love…” Renesmee starts off watching him and he hums hearing her. “I love chocolate.” She finishes her sentence and his mouth drops.

“I hate you so much right now.” He says pushing her over. Renesmee laughs covering her face and he just folds his arms. “I really hate you.”

“No you don’t.” Renesmee says sitting back up moving closer to him. “You know how I feel; I just want you to remember what you told when we first met.”

Kyungsoo blinks looking back at her and she leans closer kissing his cheek. “I’ll talk you later; I’ll call you if I need help just dong tell anyone.” She speaks as she gets up heading to the door.

Renesmee knocks on the door holding a box. She waits a bit looking around before hearing shuffling on the other side of the door.

“No it’s for us!”

Renesmee jumps hearing Chenle and Jungwoo. Jisung open the door smiling seeing Renesmee. “Noona!”

Taeyong stands there looking at Renesmee then back at the others. “Hey boys sorry I’m late.” She says stepping inside.

“Nessie what are you doing here?” Taeyong asks watching and she looks up hearing him and she bows. “What’s with the box?”

“It’s our juice we asked for.” Jungwoo says looking at Taeyong and Renesmee smiles holding up the box. Chenle nods taking the box from Renesmee.

“Thanks noona.” Jisung says bowing and Renesmee smiles shaking her head.

“No need to thank me.” She says as she steps back opening the door. “I would love to stay a bit longer but I must go now night boys.” Renesmee says waving bye as she leaves.

“I can’t believe you really like that stuff.” Taeyong says folding his arms across his chest. Jisung smirks watching him and Taeyong looks at him.

“Nice try hyung; Johnny hyung said he caught you drinking some last time.” Jisung says and the other two look at Taeyong.

“Busted.” Jungwoo says and Chenle laughs watching Taeyong face.

“Alright off to bed now we have practice tomorrow.” Taeyong points down the hall and they just laugh walking off. Taeyong sighs watching them locking the door.

August 20, 2018

“You changed your hair?” Renesmee says seeing Kyungsoo walk into the room. He roll his eyes pouting looking at her. “What you don’t like it?”

“I didn’t say that; but I am saying this you better be lucky I love you that’s the only reason I did this.” He speaks folding his arms across his chest and she hums tilting her head.

“Well are you going to let me see it?” She asks as she keeps dancing. He shakes his head watching her and she pouts. “Why?”

“Don’t pout at me you’ll have to wait.” He says walking over to her and she stops looking at him. “No you have to wait just like the fans.”

Renesmee sighs folding her arms and he just kisses her check. “I’m sure you saw the others already?” He says tilting his head and she shakes her head. “Well then tonight look at them, mine and Suho hyung will be the last to be posted.

“Okay fine.”

“Good when does the MV coming out?” Renesmee asks looking at him. He wraps his arm around her waist hugging her.

“On the 27th.” He says resting his head on her shoulder. Renesmee hums tilting her head looking at his reflection. “What?”

“Nothing I didn’t realize we all had a comeback so close together.” She says closing her eyes as she speaks. Kyungsoo hums hearing her and she just smiles. “You then NCT and then us on the 2nd.”

Kyungsoo nods letting her go as he reaches in his pocket pulling out his phone. “I still can’t believe your girls comeback is so close together this mini then a full in November.” He says reading a text and Renesmee turns looking at his phone.

“Tell Kai oppa I said hi.” Renesmee says smiling as she bounces on her toes. Kyungsoo lifts a brow looking at her.

“Why is it that whenever you see him you’re all jumpy and smiling but when it’s me it’s a different story.” He says and she laughs seeing his face.

“Cause he’s like a brother to me as to where you are my boyfriend.” She speaks after she stops laughing and he smirks. “Plus when I pout you give me kisses.” She wraps her arms around his waist hugging him.

Kyungsoo groans looking away and she just smiles moving side to side as she hugs him. Kyungsoo looks back at her cupping her cheeks as he kisses her. Renesmee hums into the kiss as she smiles tilting her head back. “I swear you are lucky I love you.”

Kyungsoo says as he pulls away sighing giving into her cuteness. “No one can resist my cuteness oppa.” She brushes her nose against his still smiling. Kyungsoo leans back in kissing her one more time. “Go I’m sure you have practice tomorrow; text me later or whenever your free.”

Kyungsoo nods letting her go then heads towards the door. “Bye.” He says walking out the door typing away on his phone. Renesmee walks over starting the music over to finish up her practice before the others show up.

It was around 6 in the morning now when the others start to walk into the room. “Okay Renesmee how far are you with the story?” Their manager asks walking in behind the girls and Renesmee looks up holding her bottle to her lips. She blinks before bringing it down wiping her mouth.

“Um well you see I’m not doing it.” Renesmee speaks up and their manager stops and looks at her. “Before you yell I mean I’m not coming up with it.”

“That’s not sounding any better.”

“She means she’s letting us work on it.” Moka says nodding her head walking over to Renesmee. “We have to come up with the concept and idea before she can write it or before we can write it.”

“You have until the 20th to have something.” She says and they all nod before starting practice. Once practice was done for the day the girls head back their dorm for the night.

“Well tomorrow they start dropping the teaser pictures then on the 27th they drop the MV teaser.” Jisoo says as they sit there eating.

“I love this mini album it’s not cutesy like the other ones.” Chaoxing says before she takes a swig of her drink.

“You always say you hate the cute stuff but when you hear that love seeing you act cute and want you poster and everything you start acting different.” Eunjin says as she looks over at Chaoxing.

“That’s because she fits the concept very well.” Jisoo says looking up from her plate. Chaoxing just rolls her eyes looking away. “She can’t even deny it because she knows it’s true.”

“Hey umm has anyone seen Nessie since we got back.” Xiaoling asks getting up to put her plate in the sink.

“I think her and Roxay just went to bed as soon as we got back.” Sora speaks looking up from her phone. “Roxay said she had a headache and well I think something is bothering unnie.”

“I think she is just stressed with dealing with the storyline, and trying to make sure we have everything down.” Jisoo says as she puts her plate away then washes her hands.

“Yeah but she really isn’t pushing as hard like she used to; maybe there is something wrong.” Moka says before heading up to her room.

Renesmee sits there looking at her phone for what has been 30 minuets now looking at the teaser pictures. She closes her eyes closing Twitter letting her screen go black.

Renesmee sighs holding her phone up to her ear waiting. Kyungsoo answer the call humming like he knew she would be calling him.

“I hate you so much right now.”

“Awe love you too.” He says trying not to laugh hearing her. “You must have seen the pictures now.” Kyungsoo speaks his voice full of amusement knowing Renesmee reaction.

“Not only did you let your hair grow back to the style you had it for growl; you also dyed it blonde.” She speaks trying to keep her voice low. Kyungsoo just laughs hearing her.

“So I take it you like it?” He asks between his fit of laughter.

“Like it?...no I love it I know you would look good with blonde hair.” Renesmee says smiling as she sits up crossing her legs. “I’m still mad don’t get me wrong but love the hair.”

“You can say you love my hair but not me….” Kyungsoo speaks and Renesmee just bites her lip smiling. “I swear now you’re just messing with me now.”

“Okay look I promise I’ll say after our comeback.” She says running her fingers through her hair. “I still want you too remember what you told me.”

Kyungsoo sighs shaking his head as he listens. “No listen I don’t want you to rush to say it.” He says and she hums hearing him. “I remember that night and how you said you were sacred so I’m not pushing you to say it.”

Sora comes running into the room but stops seeing Roxay sleep. “Unnie Eunjin wants you she’s crying.” Sora says pointing down the hall as she speaks softly.

Renesmee hums nodding her head. “I have to go Eunjin is crying I’m sure she had a bad dream.” Renesmee says standing up still holding her phone to her ear.

“Okay love you.” Kyungsoo says and Renesmee smiles nodding her head.

“I know bye.” Renesmee says before ending the call following Sora to their room. When they get there Eunjin looks up seeing Renesmee and she wipes her face. Renesmee stops thinking before walking back out he door.

A few seconds later she comes back with a box. “Bad dream again huh.” She says setting the box on the desk. Eunjin hums as she sinffles wiping her nose.

Renesmee pulls out an orb and plugs it in. She moves the box out the way placing the orb on the desk. “What’s that unnie?”

Yiyang aks watching her as Renesmee turns it on. “Well it’s a few things actually.” She replies standing back up. “It plays soothing sounds to help you sleep, also gives off a lavender scent plus it can show you the stars and stuff.”

Renesmee speaks as she walks over to Eunjin bed sitting next to her. “Okay now everyone lay down.” She speaks softly as she pulls the covers over Eunjin.

They all lay down getting comfortable and Renesmee watches smiling. She reaches over gently moving hair from Eunjin face as she pats her head. Renesmee gently starts singing as she sits there.

Renesmee tilts her head moving her hand to rub Eunjin back as she sings. Renesmee closes her eyes as she sings and the girls just lay there listening slowly falling asleep.

September 7, 2018

“Ugh why did they do this EXO sunbae, NCT sunbae and us.” Moka says as she looks up at the tv watching EXO preform.

“We won’t have a chance of winning.” Yiyang says fixing her outfit as she stretches. “And surprisingly we had a lot of downloads, album sales and views on the MV.” She goes on as she stands there.

“Hey where Nessie?” Jisoo asks once the stylist finishes her hair and makeup. They all look around the room. “Eh don’t worry about it I’ll find her.”

Jisoo says getting up walking out the room. Renesmee stands there watching Kyungsoo and the others as they dance. She smiles dancing along to the song. Jisoo smirks walking up behind her putting his arm around her.

Renesmee turns looking back at her and she hums. “Having fun?” Jisoo says smiling and Renesmee rolls her eyes. “The fan chants are crazy, but I expect nothing less for them.”

Renesmee nods as she keeps dancing to the song. Jisoo covers her mouth stepping back. She looks over hearing some EXO-Ls calling their name and she smiles waving to them.

Jisoo then points to Renesmee and they nod laughing as they record her dancing. “Come on girls you’re next.”

They nod walking off following the staff. “See this part is easier than talking about the album and prerecording.” Roxay says and Xiaoling nods agreeing with her.

The girls stand to the side getting their mic sets. As Renesmee puts her ear piece in she walks onto the stage waiting. She turns looking at the set nodding as she come into the light some of the fans scream scaring her.

As they scream she jumps putting her hand over her chest turning around and they start laughing. “Nessie always so jumpy.” Jisoo says walking out getting ready. Renesmee pouts folding her arms across her chest.

The other girls walk out getting into their spots. Renesmee bites her lip walking over to her spot as she looks at the floor. Once the music starts the girls get to work giving it their all.

After the girls were done they bow before walking off stage. Renesmee sighs pushing her hair back as she walks down the hall.

“Eww what are you drinking?” Jisoo asks looking at Moka and Renesmee.

“Blood.”

“Ugh I swear you two are weird, make sure she wash your mouth to get that color out.” Jisoo says walking off and Renesmee just nods.

Renesmee walks out the restroom wiping her mouth off. She walks down the hall looking around. “You know you are stressing way too much about it.”

Renesmee turns around hearing Kyungsoo and she sighs. She bows to him before walking off and he smirks. “No hello or how are you?” He says smiling watching her.

“Nothing…”

“I really liked the dance you guys did amazing.” Renesmee speaks as she walks down the hall. Kyungsoo smirks watching her then look over seeing Junmyeon and Jongin walk over.

“Nessie!”

Renesmee looks up hearing her name and she smiles running over to Chanyeol hugging him. He laughs hugging her back. “You girls did great.”

Renesmee bows thanking him as she stands there. “Thank you; you all did great as well.” She says tilting her head. “I was watching you guy really love the dance.”

“Us…what about you girls.” Jongin says putting his arms around her. “You girls were amazing; you always surprise me with the stunts.” Jongin smiles looking at her.

Kyungsoo walks over leaning against the wall. “I would love to do a performance with you one day.” Jongin adds nodding and Renesmee looks up at him in shock.

“Why do you look so surprised that he would want to dance with you?” Chanyeol says watching Renesmee and she looks away shrugging as she looks at the floor.

“Stop putting yourself down Nessie; you’re an amazing singer and dancer.” Junmyeon says poking her cheek. Renesmee sighs stepping to the side freeing herself from them.

Renesmee places her hands in front of her as she closes her eyes bowing to them. “Please don’t waste anymore time on me; it’s for the best.” She speaks as she bows to them.

Renesmee stands back up turning around walking off. “What…” Junmyeon says looking at them. “What is going on?”

“Hyung what did she mean by that?” Jongin looks over at Kyungsoo.

“Yeah I can’t talk about it.” Kyungsoo deadpan as he walks off leaving them.

“Hyung?”

“I said I can’t talk about it so drop it.” Kyungsoo says as he keeps walking.

Everyone stands on the stage waiting for the last group to finish on the other stage. Renesmee stands behind Jisoo wrapping her arms around her resting her head on Jisoo back.

Once the group finish they switch the cameras back to the other stage. Chenle reaches over touching Renesmee shoulder and she lifts her head looking at him.

Renesmee lets go of Jisoo bowing to him and he smile hugging her. She smiles back hugging him before letting him go. “You did great.” He whispers in her ear.

Renesmee bows her head thanking him. Chenle nods moving back over to Jisung and Kun. Renesmee slides back over next to Jisoo. Renesmee looks around thinking this could be the last stage they ever do.

She stands there listening as the MCs start talking again. She close her eyes feeling tears tugging at the corner of them. Renesmee reaches up wiping her face as she steps back behind Jisoo again.

Kyungsoo looks over seeing Renesmee cry and he sighs. He looks back at Jongin and Junmyeon shaking his head. Everyone stands there as they add up the numbers.

The girls jumps as the cannons go off spraying confetti everywhere as they announce EXO as the winners. The girls clap watching their brother group take center stage. NCT and the girls back up giving them space.

Renesmee stands there watching as Junmyeon and the boys thank the fans and everyone else. As the music plays the others start to walk off stage. Renesmee moves out the way while she watches the girls dance with the others.

Kyungsoo stands there singing his part as he holds the trophy in his hand smiling. He then turns around looking for Renesmee. As Baekhyun and Sehun start singing he makes his way over to her.

“Why are you crying?” He asks leaning forward whispering in her ear. Renesmee looks at the floor shaking her head. “I’m trying to stay out of this but you’re making it hard by standing back here and crying.”

“I’m sorry…you don’t have to worry about me.” Renesmee speaks and Kyungsoo reaches up wiping her face. “I’ll be fine.” She nods looking at him.

“This isn’t over Nessie.” He says tilting his head. “I’ll call you later do you understand?” He speaks watching her and she nods again before walking off.

September 12, 2018

“So are you going to tell us why you been acting different.” Jisoo says walking around the practice room.

“Or why they tell us we won’t be doing our albums in English anymore.” Xiaoling adds as she sits there stretching.

“I told you girls I don’t want to talk about.” Renesmee says pushing her hair back out of her face. “At least not now okay?”

Renesmee grabs her bottle twisting the cap off and taking a swig of her drink. “So how is the thinking coming along?”

“This is hard unnie we reread all of the scripts to try and come up with something but we don’t know how you did all this.” Moka says pouting looking up from her book.

“Yeah this is amazing we don’t know where to take it from here.” Chaoxing says folding her arms across her chest.

“I know you girls will come up with something.” Renesmee speaks trying to help them out. “Just go back and look who we use then look at everyday life and maybe watch some movies to help.”

“Speaking of everyday life how long are we filming this show?” Xiaoling asks looking at the cameras. The others look at her then back around the room.

“I think the last episode will be New Years.” Jisoo says as she starts the music over. “Which I honestly can’t wait for.”

“Same these challenges have been getting harder each time.” Yiyang speaks up getting ready. “I mean it’s been really fun and I hope after this is over we get to do it again but for now I just want a break.”

Renesmee stands up get walking over to her bag putting her bottle up. She wipes her mouth as she walks over doing her part of the song getting into place. Moka sighs putting her stuff down running over jumping into her spot as Chaoxing starts her rap walking over.

The others get up making their way to their spots as the song plays. They go over the dances for 4 more hours before calling it a night. Donghae walks into the room looking around and the girls turn bowing to him.

“Okay you are free to go but not you three.” Renesmee says point to the oldest memebers and they nod sitting there on the floor looking at their phones.

[booksncoffee]

under my skin - five

five || screaming on the inside

“You should probably start thinking about your outfit,” Niall continues whilst Brooklyn openly glares at him. He really doesn't know when to shut up sometimes. She likes to think that one day it’ll be his downfall. “Wait, no. I think I’d want to choose your outfit for our date. That’d be fun.”

“Well, I hope you’ve been saving your money cos you’ll be buying my coffee for a year.”

read below || read on mibba || story page 

When Brooklyn receives a text message from Louis asking her if she’d like to get coffee with him, she has to reread it a few times. As far as she knows, he’s not one to wake up early in the morning. He goes to sleep late and he wakes up late too. She knows that because sometimes he’d text her ‘good morning’ and it’s 12 in the afternoon.

Brooklyn doesn't respond to his text straightaway as she decides to take a shower first. She checks her phone once again after that to see if the text message is still there and when it is, she types a reply: Sure. Why not?

Beck is still asleep when Brooklyn steps out of her room, all dressed for work – she may have put on a little effort to look extra good this morning.

Beck must have gotten home late last night because she’s pretty sure she heard his footsteps coming in at around 2 in the morning – she didn't check if it really was him because she was too afraid to leave her bed. She hopes it’s him because the thought of this flat possibly being haunted sends shivers down her spine.

Curse the stupid horror movie she watched last night before she went to bed. She still doesn't know why she thought it’s a good idea to watch the movie alone – well, she’s not really alone because she texted Niall whilst she watched it since he’s the one who recommended the movie to her. Her texts were filled with exclamation marks and words written in capital letters – she’s sure she was Niall’s main source of entertainment last night. The last text she sent to him was a few rows of the middle finger emoji. He responded with three laughing emojis.  

Once she’s out of her flat building, Brooklyn sends a text message to Louis, telling him that she’s on her way to the coffee shop, to which he replies with a picture of him holding a cup of coffee. He looks so sleepy, his eyes so heavy and she can tell that he’s not a morning person.  

When Brooklyn reaches the coffee shop, Louis waves at her and she makes her way to him, pulling out a chair to sit. “Morning,” she greets him.

“Morning,” he responds along with a poor attempt at smiling. Brooklyn kinks an eyebrow at him and he groans. “I don’t know how you people wake up early every morning. Mad respect for you.”

Brooklyn lets out a laugh; he wasn't kidding when he said that he isn’t a morning person. “You’d get used to it eventually.”

He looks at her to see if she’s joking and when she simply shrugs, he shakes his head. The thought of him getting used to waking up so early in the morning doesn't sit right in his head.

“Anyway, I bought black coffee for you,” he states as he hands her the paper cup. “Dunno what you usually drink so.”

Taking the cup from him, she smiles. “Black coffee sounds good. Thank you.”

He flashes her a bright smile, one that doesn't look forced like earlier, and he asks, “D’you wanna go for a walk?”

Brooklyn looks out the window, at the people passing by. She prefers staying in the café where it’s warmer, but she finds herself nodding, “Yeah.”

Louis pushes the chair back and holds out his hand for Brooklyn to take. She hesitates, looking at it for a couple of seconds before she eventually places her hand in his. With her other free hand, she picks up the coffee cup and he leads her out of the coffee shop. The cold wind nips at her skin as soon as they’re out so she brings the cup up to her lips, blows off the steam and takes a sip.

She immediately regrets it.

The coffee tastes bad that she starts coughing when it hits her throat. It isn’t as bad as the one Beck made for her, there’s no salt in this one, but it’s not good. It’s too sweet like someone accidentally spilled ten spoons of sugar in it and instead of making a new one, it’s given to her.

“Are you okay?” Louis asks when he glances at her, concerned written all over his face.

Clearing her throat, she nods. She doesn't have it in her to tell him that the coffee he bought for her tastes awful. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

Louis doesn't look convinced, but he nods his head anyway as he brings his own cup to his lips. Brooklyn keeps her eyes on him, wanting to see if he’d react the same way she did when he takes a sip, but he seems fine. He doesn't start coughing, doesn't scrunch up his nose when the taste of the coffee hits his throat. Maybe he ordered a latte or a cappuccino.

He catches her eyes and arches an eyebrow before he brings one hand up and starts wiping his mouth. “There’s something on my mouth, isn’t it?”

Brooklyn shakes her head. “No, no, there’s nothing.”

“Oh,” he stops what he’s doing and laughs, realising how silly he must’ve looked wiping at nothing. “So you’re just staring at my pretty face, then?”

Although a wave of colour flushes her cheeks, Brooklyn rolls her eyes and shoves him away from her, making him laugh. He does have a pretty face and she’s quite certain that she told him that before. “Wonder where’d you be without your pretty face.”

“Probably still working at Toys R Us, trying to woo lasses that walk in.”

“Still working?” She repeats, brows knitting together. “You mean you used to work there?”

“Yup,” he answers with a nod. “For a couple of years actually.”

“Oh my God,” her eyes gleam with excitement. She’s always wondered what it feels like to work there. Is it stressful given that you’d have to deal with kids and their parents? Is it fun since you have toys all around you? She has lots of question, but instead of voicing them out, she says, “Please tell me everything.”

Brooklyn listens intently as Louis talks about his work experience at Toys R Us. He makes sure not to leave the part where he would sometimes hang around the music section – the one with the little pianos and guitars – and show off his basic skills to girls that he wanted to impress. He also tells her that he worked there until eventually he was discovered by one of the model agencies and he didn’t think twice before he marched into his manager’s office to tell him that he’s quitting.

“Can’t believe you never told me this before,” Brooklyn mentions once he’s finished recalling his memory as one of the sales associates at Toys R Us.

“In my defence, I didn't think you’d be so interested to know about it.”

“Please, I’d love to know all of the embarrassing things you’ve ever done.”

He throws his head back and laughs. “If that’s what you want, I have plenty of embarrassing stories to share.”

Brooklyn opens her mouth to tell him that he should start sharing because she needs to get to work soon, but she’s interrupted by the sound of someone calling out Louis’ name. They stop walking and Louis glances through his shoulder. Brooklyn does the same and she sees a guy making his way towards them.

“Chad, mate!” Louis’s face lights up as he greets his friend. He pats Chad on the back once, twice, before he pulls away. “Thought you’re in New York?”

“Nah,” he shakes his head as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “That’s two weeks ago.” His eyes land on Brooklyn, then, and he lifts an eyebrow. “And who’s this lovely lady?”

“This is my girlfriend, Brooklyn. Brooklyn, this is my mate, Chad.”

For a moment, everything around them stops moving as the time stands still. Brooklyn feels like she’s going through an out-of-body experience when she steps forward and shakes Chad’s hand with a smile on her face. She doesn't think it’s possible for her to move when she’s still in a state of shock. Her head is spinning, the word ‘girlfriend’ echoing in her ears. They’ve never talked about this, never talked about how they’d label each other in front of their friends. Brooklyn thought they’re doing this whole ‘let’s just go with the flow’ thing.  

“Girlfriend, huh?” Chad sounds surprised, but in a pleasant way. As in he’s amazed that his friend has gotten himself a girlfriend. “About fucking time.”

Louis rolls his eyes, though his cheeks are turning red from embarrassment – or probably from the wind, Brooklyn doesn't know. “Says someone who hasn't been in a relationship for fucking ages.”

“Hey,” Chad steps forward to punch Louis’ arm before continuing, “You know how I work, mate.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Louis replies half-heartedly. “You don’t have time for a girlfriend. Whatever.”

Chad nods his head, agreeing. “Well, Brooklyn, it’s nice to meet you,” he says with a smile before swooping in for a hug. Expecting a handshake instead, Brooklyn’s taken aback by his friendliness. “We should hang out soon.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Brooklyn finds herself saying once she’s gotten over the shock.  

“I’ll text ya,” Louis says. Chad gives him a pointed look as if to say that he doesn't believe him, so Louis adds, “Promise.”

Chad bids his goodbye, turning on his heels to go back to where he’s coming from. Once he’s out of their sights, Brooklyn and Louis continue their walk. Silence lingers around them for a few minutes as his words are slowly sinking in her head.

“Fucking hell.” Louis mutters to himself all of sudden. His facial expressions changes as his brows are pinched together and his lips are pulled downwards. He stops walking and runs his fingers through his hair.

“Everything okay?” Brooklyn asks even though she has a clue as to why he looks angry with himself.

Louis takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose before he starts speaking. “I called you my girlfriend,” he states. Brooklyn opens her mouth to say something, but closes it a second later when she realises she doesn't know what to say. Maybe she should just let him talk. “I probably shouldn't have done that since we’ve never talked ‘bout it and it’d be so fucking embarrassing if, y’know, if…” He trails off, leaving her hanging.  

“If?” Brooklyn questions as she kinks an eyebrow at him. She needs to know what he’s about to say before he stops himself.

Louis runs his tongue across his bottom lip, probably to buy himself some time whilst he avoids her gaze. He looks nervous, which is so unlike of his usual self because he’s always confident and Brooklyn’s pretty sure this is the first time she sees him this way. That knowledge makes her nervous as well.

“Fuck it,” he says under his breath before he looks up and says, “It’d be embarrassing if you’re not on the same page.”

Brooklyn’s eyes widen, but she’s quick to compose herself – it’s something that she’s quite good at. She clears her throat and looks at Louis. She can see the sincerity in his dark blue eyes, can see the nervousness with a hint of hopefulness written all over his face. Then, she remembers the good times she’s had with him and she knows there’s more to come. She also enjoys being around him and as she quickly makes a list of pros and cons in her head, she realises that there are more pros than cons.

Taking a deep breath, Brooklyn takes his hand and says, “We’re… We’re on the same page.”

Louis looks shocked like he doesn't expect she’d say that. He stares at their hands for a beat longer before he eventually finds his voice to speak, awe transforming his face. “I-Fuck. Brooklyn, you just made me the happiest man ever on this dreadful morning.”

Laughter escapes Brooklyn’s mouth, but Louis swallows that sound when he kisses her.

&&

Brooklyn feels like she’s missing out on a lot of things when she walks into the break room to make herself a cup of coffee and hear Niall and Harry’s laughter reverberating round the room. Normally she’d roll her eyes at the mere sound of that because they’re probably talking about something that she doesn't find funny at all, but this morning she makes her way to them to know what’s going on.

“What’s so funny?” She asks as she pulls out one of the chairs and situates herself between Niall and Harry.

Both of them stop laughing to raise an eyebrow at her, surprised that she wants in on their conversation. Whereas Harry squints his eyes, looking at her suspiciously, Niall leans forward and places a hand on her forehead as though to check her temperature. Brooklyn slaps Niall’s hand away and that makes him laugh.

“I was just telling Harry about your texts last night,” Niall tells her. Her eyes widen and she slaps his arm, to which he winces in pain. “What’s that for?”

“Those texts are confidential,” she replies with her brows furrowed. “You’re not supposed to share it with anyone.”

“Anyone except Harry,” Harry chimes in with a grin. Sometimes, when he’s with Brooklyn and Niall, he likes to refer to himself in the third person pronoun. It’s weird but in his defence, the two of them likes to talk about him as if he’s not there to hear everything they say to each other. “Harry deserves to know everything that’s going on between Niall and Brooklyn.”

Brooklyn rolls her eyes at Harry. She turns to Niall and points her finger at him, who raises his eyebrows at her. “I’m not taking any movie recommendations from you ever again.”

Laughter tumbles out of Niall’s mouth. “C’mon, it’s not that bad.”

“It kinda is,” she counters as she glares at him. Brooklyn has always had troubles sleeping after watching a horror movie – it’s been that way since she’s six. Despite telling herself again and again that what she sees in the movies aren’t real, she can’t prevent the fear from weaving its way into her, scaring her and making sure that she wouldn't get a wink of sleep.  

“Ha, Brooklyn’s a scaredy-cat,” Harry remarks with a chuckle, which earns him a kick on the shin. “Jesus. And bloody strong too.”

That puts a pleased smile across Brooklyn’s lips. The workout she does during the weekends proves to be useful. Brooklyn returns her gaze to Niall and says, “I bet you’re the kind of guy who brings girls to see a scary movie with hopes that she’d hug you when she gets scared.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Niall grins, winking when she scrunches up her nose in disgust. Harry’s laughter joins Niall’s and Brooklyn pretends as if she’s not the least bit curious. “Don’t worry,” he pats her on the shoulder, offering her a smile, “You’ll find out eventually when I win our bet.”

“Ah, speaking of the bet,” Harry interjects as he leans forward and places his elbows on the table, his eyes darting from Niall to Brooklyn. “There’s only like a month left.”

“A month?” Brooklyn asks. Harry nods. She could’ve sworn they agreed to make a bet yesterday, not a few months ago.  

“Looks like you’re in luck, Cooper.” Niall states, grinning from ear to ear. “You don’t have to wait long to go on a date with me.”

Brooklyn rolls her eyes. She admires his confidence, she really does, but at the same time it irritates her more than words could describe. She doesn't like how he talks as if he’s already won. Which of course, isn’t true unless- Brooklyn pushes that thought away immediately. There’s no way Mr Storm has already chosen whose article he’d want to publish. That wouldn't be fair to her, to everyone.

“You should probably start thinking about your outfit,” Niall continues whilst Brooklyn openly glares at him. He really doesn't know when to shut up sometimes. She likes to think that one day it’ll be his downfall. “Wait, no. I think I’d want to choose your outfit for our date. That’d be fun.”

“Well, I hope you’ve been saving your money cos you’ll be buying my coffee for a year.”

Harry chuckles to himself as he enjoys the back and forth between Brooklyn and Niall. “What if neither of you win?” He asks out of nowhere. That question catches the both of them off guard. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think you two are phenomenal writers but what if, ya know?”

Brooklyn looks at Niall, hoping that he has an answer for that. It turns out that he seems just as lost as she is, so she racks her brain for something. Anything.

“Erm, I think we’ll just call off the bet,” Brooklyn proposes, to which Niall nods his head, agreeing. She turns to Harry and this time, she says it with more confidence, “We’ll call off the bet if neither of us win.”

“That sucks,” Harry pouts.

“What sucks?” Suki questions as she walks into the break room with an empty cup in her hand. Harry’s eyes immediately become wider and he straightens his back as he plasters a smile across his face. Brooklyn and Niall almost laugh at how quick his demeanour changes now that Suki is in the room as them.

“Uh, they’ll call off the bet if neither of them win,” Harry answers.

Suki pulls a chair out and sits next to Harry. His face lights up at the close proximity and Brooklyn has to sink her teeth into her bottom lip to prevent laughter from escaping her throat.

“Huh, that does sucks,” Suki agrees with Harry, which of course makes him beam with happiness. She turns to Brooklyn, then, and says, “I’d love to see you go on a date with Niall.”

“What?” Brooklyn gasps. “I thought you’re rooting for me.”

Suki shrugs. “I was rooting for you until Harry convinced me that it’d be more fun to see you go on a date with Niall. He thinks your head would explode.”

“Thank you!” Niall expresses his gratitude. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell Cooper.”

“My head won’t explode,” Brooklyn counters. That’s ridiculous.

“Yes it will,” Niall says to her. “From how awesome our date will be.”

“You’ll have to ask for Louis’ permission, though,” Suki adds and that makes everyone confused. Brooklyn’s confused too, for the first few seconds, before it dawns on her that Suki knows. “They’ve made it official, so I think he’d like to know if you’re taking her out on a date.”

“Official?” Niall asks. He sounds surprised and… disappointed – Brooklyn’s not quite sure about the latter, though, because for all she knows, she might be hearing him wrong.

Unable to look at him, she keeps her eyes fixed on the table as she answers, “Uh, yeah.”

“When?” The next question comes from Harry.

“This morning,” Suki responds to that question for her friend. As soon as those words leave her mouth, the tension in the break room is almost palpable. Suki looks at Harry, who’s looking at her as well, the both of them probably wondering the same thing: whether or not they should leave Niall and Brooklyn alone.

“Why didn't you tell me?” Niall’s the first one to break the silence.

Brooklyn finally finds it in her to look up and look at Niall. There’s a crease between his brows and he doesn't bother to hide the fact that he’s displeased by what he’s just heard. “It just happened this morning,” she says with a shrug before quickly adding, “And I didn't think you’d be interested in my love life.”

Niall’s expression hardens as he presses his lips together. For a moment, she thinks that he’s going to say something, to make a snarky remark maybe, but instead he gets up from his chair and heads straight for the exit. He doesn't even say a word and that’s even worse. Brooklyn hates silent treatment, especially when she doesn't deserve it.

“What’s wrong with him?” Brooklyn groans. She didn't think her not telling him that she’s in a relationship with his friend would be a problem for him. In fact, she thinks he’d be happy because he’s the one who introduced Louis to her.

“I’m sorry, babe,” Suki apologises as she rubs her friend’s arm. Brooklyn offers her a weak smile and tells her that it’s not her fault.  

Harry gets up from his chair as well and pats her shoulder, “He’s probably just upset that two of his, uh, closest friends didn't tell him that they’re in a relationship now.”

Harry’s words remain in Brooklyn’s mind as she stays in the break room for another five minutes until she’s composed herself and is ready to return to her desk. Niall doesn't look at her when she takes a seat and if anyone were to ask her, she’d say he’s being such a child.

Sure there’s a part of her that thinks Harry might be right, but there’s also another part of her that thinks Niall is overreacting.

[davidcarner]

Sarah vs The Unexpected Life, Ch 4, Save You Now

A/N You like this...you really really like this...thank you all so much!  I didn't know if this would get done today, three schools in three days and a lot of personal stuff going on today, but it turned out I need this.  For those of you waiting, we find the Intersect, but you have to pay attention.  Again, I can't thank you all enough, now for bad news.  I don't see anyway I can get a new chapter posted tomorrow, hopefully some time Friday, but I can't promise.  My daughter requires me to be Daddy Uber for a few days.  Sit back, relax, and enjoy Save You Now

Disclaimer:  I don't own Chuck, but I am certain Han always shot first.

Sarah entered the small building of Intersect Games, and was greeted by the receptionist.

“Hello,” the redheaded receptionist said in a thick New Jersey accent.  “How can I help you today?”

“Is Morgan available?” Sarah asked.

“May I ask who’s asking?”

“Sarah Walker, his girlfriend’s boss,” she replied.  The lady nodded, picked up the phone, and punched a few numbers.

“Morgan, a Sarah Walker is here to see-” she held the phone away from her ear.  

“What was that?” Sarah asked, having heard the sound.  Suddenly the door opened, and an out of breath Morgan was standing there, trying to appear professional.

“Daphne,” Morgan said, trying to get his breath.  “Anytime Mrs. Walker shows up, you let her just come right on back.”  Sarah smiled at him and entered down the hallway.  

“Interesting choice to be the receptionist,” Sarah said.

“We got her through a work release program,” Morgan explained.  Sarah looked surprised.  “We were having a cash flow problem early on.  We didn’t have any cash to flow.  So, if we let her work here, her salary was paid by the state.  You should always make sure you have your valuables after you talk to her though,” he said.  Sarah looked at him.  “She was in jail for conning people as a wedding planner.

“What makes you think she’s a pickpocket?” Sarah asked.

“Are there many in the con game that can’t pick someone’s pocket?” Morgan asked.  Sarah had to admit he was probably right.  They came to his office and he offered her a chair. She sat, and he sat across from her at his desk.  A large smile covered his face, and he steepled his fingers together in front of him, bouncing them together.  

“I’m so very glad you came here today to win my approval,” he said.  Sarah gave him a curious look.

“Who says I’m not here to make sure you have my approval,” she countered.  Morgan’s face fell, and Sarah couldn’t help herself and grinned. Morgan laughed.

“Okay, I deserved that,” he said.  “I’ve watched over him for several years, and I’m very protective of him.  Probably overprotective.”  He held up a pad and a list of questions he had made a copy of. “I’m made a questionnaire to make sure he has the right person.  I just don’t want to see him hurt.”  Sarah watched Morgan during his admission.  She thought he was genuine.  A little strange, but genuine.  

“Okay,” she said bouncing a shoulder and grinning.  “Hit me.” Morgan’s eyebrows raised in surprised. He quickly pulled out a pencil, licked the end, and prepared.

“If you’re on a deserted island what type of sandwich would you bring?”  Sarah blinked once, not sure she had heard him right.  Morgan noticed the look on her face.

“Okay, okay, maybe a little much for the first question, toss up, which is better Star Wars or Star Trek?”  Sarah had no idea.

“Who says either should be better than the other, they both have their own redeeming qualities.” Morgan nodded.

“Nice, I like it,” he said, making notes.  “Okay, marathon video game session with boyfriend’s best friend; feelings?” Sarah leaned in close.

“Probably the same that said best friend’s girlfriend feels, and that if we felt like we were being ignored, we might go do something we enjoy, like getting dressed up, drinking, and dancing.  All. Night.  Long.”  Morgan dropped his pencil on the desk and gulped.  Sarah sat back.  “Let’s skip to the big ones, I’m ready.”  Morgan nodded and found one.  He looked up, and locked his gaze on Sarah.

“Bad things I should know,” Morgan said, pencil ready.

“Did CIA wetwork,” she began, Morgan looked up over the paper he was writing on, his eyes huge. He drew his thumb across his throat. Sarah nodded, and Morgan gulped. Sarah smiled to herself and continued. “Father was a con man-”

“Two things, first, no offence meant by the pickpocket remark earlier.”  Sarah nodded it was fine.  “Second, you know I said bad things, right, not cool, impressive, things.”  Sarah smiled.  She shouldn’t be surprised with this reaction, but that meant he’d probably have the same negative reaction about some things.

“I dated Bryce Larkin, in fact, he is the last guy I dated since I started raising Molly.”  Morgan did not looked pleased, but then his eyes narrowed.

“Are you saying he broke up with you because you raised a baby?”  Sarah thought for a second.

“He thought he did, what he didn’t know was I was over him already,” Sarah replied.  Morgan nodded.

“I’m not gonna lie, the Bryce thing hurts you, I have been known to keep things from Chuck that have to do with Bryce,” he said, making notes.

“Like what?” Sarah asked, honestly intrigued.  Morgan thought for a second, and then head nodded like, ‘why not’.

“Five years ago, Bryce emailed Chuck on his birthday, and I deleted the email.  It was something stupid about Zork anyway,” Morgan replied. Sarah looked a little confused. “It was a text based Role Playing Game, or-”

“RPG,” Sarah finished. Morgan’s eyes lit up and he made notes. “Of course sometimes that does mean Rocket Propelled Grenade.”  Morgan was writing quickly, and his eyes were lit up like it was Christmas and he was a kid. “You were saying about the email?”

“Right, I deleted it, and the next day his computer was stolen.  We got another sent to us a few days later, must have been some strange replacement plan.  Listen, I have only one more question on here that matters.”  Sarah looked at him, ready.  “Why him?  He’s no one.” Sarah gave him a look.

“He’s your friend,” she said, sitting up straight in the chair, starting to get upset.  Morgan shrugged.

“Let’s be honest, he got kicked out of Stanford, it took every trick in the book to get him to finish up, he worked at the Buy More foreeevvveer, it took me, ME, Mr. allergic to work, to get him to work on our game, and we’ve only gotten one actually out, the other goes gold next week, and he’s a single dad raising a baby that’s not even his.  Loooooser.” Sarah slammed her hand on the desk, making Morgan jump back.

“That is the kindest, most giving man I have ever met!  He has put his life on hold for his niece!  He took the time to help a child he didn’t even know to get over one of the worst days of her life, when I, her MOTHER, didn’t even know how upset she was. How dare you speak of him like that! I thought you were his…friend….” Sarah noticed Morgan was smiling, glowing, and bouncing.  He ran around the desk and hugged her.  She knew over 100 ways to kill him, and he knew it.  He had done it all to find out exactly how she felt about him.  He let her go, and she was watching him, fighting a grin, afraid he might do it again.

“I’m going to need you to sign a few waivers-”

“You do know I know over 100 ways to kill you?” she asked.  Morgan tossed all the papers over his shoulder.

“Paperwork is very overrated, plus there’s the possibilities of unseen paper cuts,” Morgan said. Sarah stood, bent, and kissed him on the cheek.  Morgan’s eyes got wide and he touched where she had kissed him and looked at her.

“I wish I had someone who cared about me as much as you do him.”

“I think you do,” Morgan answered.  Sarah smiled and started out the door.  “He’s probably asleep in his office.  Clara was teething last night.”  Sarah turned and looked at him.  “He wouldn’t let anyone help. Alex and I offered to watch her so he could sleep, but he refused.  He’s been burning both ends of the candle trying to get the code right and the bugs out so the game can be certified.  He thinks he’s done with it.  Last night was supposed to be his sleep night, but Clara…”  Sarah nodded.

“I’ll take care of it.”

“I completely believe you. Take care of him, Sarah.  He’s a good guy.”

“Morgan, he’s a great guy,” she said smiling, “And, so are you,” and with that, she walked down the hall to Chuck’s office.  As she walked, her phone went off, she looked down, reread the message twice, and rolled her eyes.  She walked into the dark office and saw Chuck, stuffed on a couch that was too short for him.  She bent down in front of him, and for the first time since she met him, he seemed completely at peace.  

How can this guy affect me this much, this quickly?  She couldn’t help herself and ran her fingers through his hair.  There’s been no one to share my life with, so why him? She looked at him and smiled. Why not?  And with that, she made a decision.  She said she could be his baggage handler, and tonight she was going to be that. She pulled her phone out, and shot off another quick text.  

“Morgan,” she said softly, never having moved.

“Yep,” he replied from the hall, where she knew he was listening.

“Do you need him for the game for the rest of the day?”

“Nope.”

“He’s going home, for the day, he needs to sleep, but I need him to get his daughter.  She’s having teething problems.”

“If anything comes up, I’ll call him.”

“Morgan, call me if anything comes up,” she said.  “I know you got my number off his phone.”

“Am I in trouble?” he asked, his voice quaking.

“Are you going to use it wisely?”

“Yes,” he squeaked. Sarah smiled.

“Then no.”  She ran her fingers through Chuck’s curls again. He shifted and she saw him smile. “Chuck,” she said softly.  “Time to get up.”  His eyes opened, and he got the biggest grin on his face.

“Oh, it’s a good dream,” Chuck said.  “You’re so pretty.”  

“How do you know it’s a dream, Chuck?” she asked.

“Because you’re in my office, and you don’t know where I work,” he answered, with a sleepy grin on his face.  “Seriously, the pictures your mom showed me didn’t do you justice, you’re so pretty.” Sarah leaned in close.  Chuck’s grin got bigger.

“Chuck, I’m former CIA, how hard do you think it would be for me to find out where you work and get in here.”

“She’s got you there, buddy,” Morgan yelled from the hall.  The grin on Chuck’s face fell off.  

“I wouldn’t dream Morgan’s here,” he said with a panic on his face.  Sarah still close, grinned.

“I certainly hope not Mr. Bartowski.”

“Uh-oh, I’m in trouble. No one uses Mr. Bartowski unless I’m in trouble or they’re my teacher.”

“Maybe I’ve decided to teach you how to be happy, Chuck,” she said, unable to help herself. Chuck’s brain may have short-circuited with that one.  “As much as I’m enjoying this, I need your keys, we need to go get your daughter.” Chuck came out of his stupor quickly. “She’s fine, teething, and causing a small ruckus.  My daughter is causing a huge ruckus because of said small ruckus.”

“Do we have a problem with those two?” Chuck asked.  Sarah began to stand and offer him a hand to get up off the couch.

“I have it on good authority that some people believe helping others is what makes them tick,” she said, smiling at him.  “So we’d have to be a hypocrite to say anything.  Besides, how much of a problem could a five year old really be?”  Chuck’s face had a look of horror.

“You don’t watch movies, do you?” Sarah kind of shrugged, confused.  “You NEVER say something like that.  It’s like saying, one last mission and then someone dies.  It’s like saying what could go wrong and then you’re shocked when the water pipe breaks in the bathroom and ruins your floor and you have to move out of your house for a minimum of three weeks.”

“What.  Could.  Go. Wrong.” She said.  Chuck nearly fell off the couch in horror.  He covered his head, waiting for the roof to fall on him.

“Protect yourself, Sarah!” he shouted.  She rolled her eyes, grabbed him, and drug him out of the room.

}o{

“I still don’t understand why we’re in my car,” Chuck said.

“Because we need your daughter’s car seat, and yours is bigger,” Sarah replied.

“Why am I not driving?”

“You’re tired.”

“If, I was completely awake?”

“I’m a trained CIA agent.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I’m more qualified to get us all home safer.”

“I think you’re just a bit of a control freak,” he said, grinning.  Sarah shut the car off and turned toward him, a slight grin on her face.

“Would that be so terrible?” she asked softly.  Chuck’s brain seized.

“That’s really not fair,” he wheezed.  She arched an eyebrow, the grin growing.

“Whatever do you mean?” she asked innocently.

“You know what, I’ve not slept much, and I think I misunderstood what you said,” he said, getting out of the car.  Sarah did as well, and as they both got to the front, she placed her hand on his arm.

“Maybe you didn’t,” she said, as she smiled and headed into the preschool alone.  Chuck was stuck in the parking lot, brain overheating.

“What does she see in me?” he mumbled to himself.

“Same thing Molly does,” Emma said from behind him, scaring Chuck half to death.  He calmed down, and started to ask why she was here when he realized he didn’t have a car seat for Molly.  “You’re a great guy, Chuck.  She’s been waiting for a long time for a great guy.”

“A guy, who breaks down, who’s wallowed in misery for years, a guy who’s out of his league with her?” Emma smiled.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret.  She thinks you’re too good for her.  In fact, if she wasn’t so happy and have her roots planted in her family, home, and job, she’d probably keep everything bottled up inside.”  

“I can’t ever imagine her like that,” Chuck replied, looking at the door Sarah just went through.  He looked back at Emma who shook her head. “What about you, Mom?” he asked with a smile.  “Am I good enough for your girl?”  She walked up to him, and hugged him.

“Chuck, you’re perfect,” she said.  She released the hug and patted his arm to get him to come in with her.  “Listen, Sarah is probably going to want you to fill out paperwork to let the two of us pick up Clara if you need someone else too.”

“I’ve got Morgan and Alex,” Chuck replied, a little surprised.  Emma nodded.

“I know you think the world of Morgan, but is he the best at handling a baby?”  Chuck realized that even though Emma didn’t really know Morgan, that she nailed his friend.  “And if Molly see’s Alex picking up Clara…”

“I asked you this morning if I had a chance against her, and you said no.  I asked Sarah if she’s going to be a problem and she answered, how much of a problem could a five year old be.  Which is the truth?”  Emma smiled.

“Sarah really didn’t answer your question did she?” Emma said and went inside.  Chuck followed, and saw Clara being held by Sarah, and Molly waiting for him.  Molly handed him papers to sign.

“Sarah, what is going on?”

“Chuck you need someone you can trust with your child, and Molly right now is determined to be a big sister.  If you don’t want this, it’s fine, but please don’t think it’s a bother.”

“Sarah, you barely know me.” Sarah smiled at him.

“Chuck, you’re wrong. I know you, we may not have known each other long, but I know you.”  Chuck couldn’t help but grin.  

“Okay, should I,” he began, but paused not wanting to step out of place.

 “The third form is for you to be added to my pickup as well,” Molly said, growing a little impatient. He looked at Sarah, who was trying to hold in a laugh.  She blinked a few times as if that would hold the laughter at bay.  Chuck pressed his lips together, blew out his cheeks, nodded slowly, and then shrugged.  He went through the papers signing them.  Mrs. Wood beamed at Sarah, and Sarah grinned back at her.  Chuck looked down at Molly.

“Don’t you dare try and pull something to get me to pick you up, Missy,” he said pointing at her.

“He’s not joking, Molly,” Sarah said backing him up.  “If you pull something, whatever punishment Chuck says, goes.”  Molly nodded, smiling like she had won the lottery.

“Okay, Mom,” she paused and looked at Chuck.  Chuck had a bad feeling what she was about to say.  “And, Mr. Chuck.”  Chuck let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.  A look at Sarah told him she was wondering the same thing.  “Let’s all go home,” she said, taking Emma’s hand and leading her out the door.  “I’ll ride with Granny and you two can bring the baby.”  Chuck and Sarah shared a look.  

“I guess we’re going,” Chuck said, opening the door for Sarah and Clara.  Sarah shrugged, and took Clara out to the car.  He saw the look on Mrs. Wood’s face.  “You aren’t going to believe me if I tried to explain this would you?”

“Chuck, I don’t think whatever you’d try to explain, you believe anymore,” she said.  “I guess I’ll see the four of your tomorrow?” and with that she turned and went to the other kids, giggling.  Chuck shook his head and headed to the car.  When he got there he saw that Sarah already had Clara buckled in. Chuck joined them in the car.

“I like that seat,” Sarah said.  “Those ones when Molly was a baby were so difficult to fasten sometimes.”

“Sarah,” Chuck began. Sarah let out a breath, knowing what was coming.  “Thank you,” he said softly and reached out and took her hand.  Sarah was surprised, but happy.  She squeezed it, and decided in for a penny, in for a pound.  She leaned over and gave him a soft kiss on the lips.  

“It’s my pleasure,” she said.  Chuck couldn’t help but laugh, and the two drove away, happily.

}o{

When they got to Sarah’s they decided to do something easy and had pizza delivered; vegetarian with no olives, of course.  Clara started to fuss, and Chuck started searching for the gel to relieve the pain.

“You trust me?” Sarah asked. Chuck was surprised.

“Yes,” he replied not sure where this was going.  Emma handed Sarah a bag from a local store.  In it was a bottle with little pills.  She picked up Clara, and gave Chuck a chance to read the label.  He shrugged not seeing anything that could hurt her.  Sarah bounced Clara as she softly hummed.  Chuck thought he might fall asleep standing up listening to her it was so soothing.  Molly had disappeared and a terrible racket had come from another room.  Emma went off to see what was going on.  Sarah took one of the tablets, and gently placed it under the tongue of Clara.  In a few seconds she stopped fussing and smiled at Sarah.

“Mama,” she said. Sarah’s eyes got huge as she looked at Chuck.  He just laughed.

“Sarah, it’s no big deal,” he said.  Sarah gave him a look.

“Who’s that?” she asked pointing to Chuck.

“Dada,” Clara answered. Sarah turned toward Chuck, smirking, but when she saw his face, she knew she had messed up.  He wasn’t mad, just sad.

“I’m sorry, Chuck,” she began.  He waved it off, but went over and sat on the couch.  “Clara,” she said turning back to the little girl.  “I’m Aunt Sarah, and that’s your Uncle Chuck.”  Clara yawned, and put her head on Sarah’s shoulder. Emma came out into the room with something Chuck had never seen before.

“Is that a swing?” he asked. Emma smiled.  Sarah got Clara in the swing and turned it on.  Molly came into the room with an old bunny and started to give it to Clara.  “Sweetie, she’s teething and she’ll chew on it.”

“I know, but it’s her turn to have it now.”  Chuck looked at Sarah who shrugged at Chuck but smiled at her daughter.  “Okay,” he relented.  Molly handed the bunny to Clara who inspected it for a minute and then began to chew on the bunny’s ear.  In about 20 seconds, she was asleep.  Sarah turned toward Chuck, which was good, because he had just caught her in a bear hug.

“Thank you,” he said, sounding almost desperate.  “Thank you,” he whispered.  Sarah held him and patted his shoulder.  “I just hate I’ll have to wake her when I leave.”  Sarah pulled back and gave him a look.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asked.  Chuck just stared at her.  “Clara is sleeping with Molly and Emma tonight.”  Chuck looked at Emma as she whispered, “good night,” and took the swing carefully back to her room.  Chuck gulped.

“Sarah,” Chuck began.

“Chuck, I’m going to stop you before you spiral.  Tonight you need sleep.  That’s all this is.  You’re half-crazed and sleep deprived.  Now you can sleep in your old room, which would make the most sense, or you can give me all the reasons why you can’t.”

“I can’t take your bed!”

“Who said you were?” Chuck’s eyebrows raised.  “Chuck we’re two adults, we can sleep in the same bed without having sex.”

 “I’m aware that we won’t be having sex, I just don’t want…” he trailed off, and lowered his head. Sarah took his hand and rubbed it with her thumbs.

 “Chuck, look at me,” she said softly.  He raised his head to see her smiling.  “I don’t think tonight will be the last time you’re in my bed, or I’m in your bed, but we certainly aren’t ready for that.”  Chuck blushed furiously.  “Furthermore, while I am very confident in myself, I’m not sure how my ego would handle it you falling asleep in the middle.”  Chuck laughed softly.  “You need sleep.  Tomorrow we’ll take the kids to school, take you home to change, and then you can take me to work.  And, if I have time you can take me to lunch.”

“What if I have something important to do?”

“Morgan already said you didn’t need to do anything.”

“Well, as long as it’s cleared by Morgan,” Chuck replied, grinning.  Sarah led him over to the couch.  She sat down, and patted her lap.  “Lay your head down.”

“Are you-”

“Chuck,” she said a little exasperated, cutting him off.  She did have a smile on her face though.  Chuck did as she asked, and he had to admit it was quite comfortable and quiet and….  Less than a minute later, Sarah heard his breathing change; he was asleep.  “What am I gonna do with you, Chuck?” she asked softly as she played with his curls.  She picked up the remote, found some program to watch with the sound down, and sat there, more content than she had ever remembered being.  She heard soft footsteps.

“Is he okay?” Emma asked. Sarah didn’t even bother trying to hide the fact she was playing with his hair.

“I think he will be,” she said with a smile.  “Mom,” she began.  Emma shook her head and chuckled.

“Sarah, just go with it,” Emma said smiling.  “Why shouldn’t you two be happy?”  Sarah looked at her, and tilted her head as is to say “why not?”  Emma went back to bed and Sarah continued to watch TV.  A few hours later, Chuck began to toss and turn.

“It should have been me,” he mumbled.  “It should have been me!”  Sarah hugged him the best she could.  “Ellie, it should have been me,” he said softly as tears rolled down his cheeks. Sarah shook him to wake him.

“Chuck,” she said softly. He opened his eyes and looked around, and saw her.  He sat up, wordlessly, looked at her for a second, and his eyes threatened to break again. She hugged him, and he sobbed quietly. “You’ve never had a chance to grieve, have you?”  He shook his head on her shoulder.  “Let it out, Chuck,” and he did.  For thirty minutes he cried.  He let out all the hurt, anger, and frustration of ten long years and the loss of his family.  When he was done, he pulled away, a look of embarrassment but gratitude.  

“Sorry, I think your shirt is soaked,” he said, wiping his eye. Sarah laughed, she couldn’t help it. How come in his worst moments he could make her laugh?  She stood up and took his hand.  She led him to the kitchen where another bag was.  She handed it to him and pointed to the bathroom.  He looked down, seemed to almost freeze up again, when she gave him a look and nodded her head toward the bathroom.  She went in her room, changed into a tee shirt and her sleep shorts. She pulled back the covers to the bed, and waited outside the bathroom until the door opened.

“Go pick your side,” she said as she headed to the bathroom.  She stopped, not able to help herself.  “Just remember, this will set a precedent,” she said softly.  She thought she heard Chuck’s brain lock up.

“You’re going to be the death of me,” he muttered.

“You’ll enjoy every second of it,” she said as she shut the door.  Chuck went into his old bedroom, got in the bed, and waited.  He wasn’t sure what he should do so he just stared at the ceiling.  Sarah walked in, not even hiding the grin on her face.  She got in her side, and scooted as close as possible, leaned down to his ear, and spoke very softly, her breath hitting his ear.

“Good choice,” she said. Chuck didn’t know if he’d sleep at all tonight.  In five minutes, he was asleep.

}o{

Chuck opened his eyes as the sun came in the window.  He had missed this, there was something about that window, the sun coming in, the blond hair laying on his chest…wait, what?  He looked down, and there was Sarah, wrapped up with him, her head on his chest.  He should probably get up, things would be awkward enough with Molly.  He felt something to his right.  He turned his head and there was Molly watching him.  

“How long until I can call you Daddy?  I would like a little brother to go along with Clara,” she said as she skipped out of the room.  Chuck noticed the weight wasn’t on his chest anymore.  He turned his head slowly to see Sarah looking at him.

“Remember yesterday when you asked if we had a problem with her?”  Chuck nodded his head.  “I think we have a problem.”  

A/N I REALLY like Molly.  Can you tell?  Hope you enjoyed it!

[chicleeblair]

Dear Yuletide Writer

Dear Yuletide Author,

EDIT: I am not able to participate in Yuletide this year--I had to forfeit in 2016 due to being unexpectedly hospitalized in Nov/Dec after poorly managing my time, and misreading the rules--I thought the ban could be cleared by submitting a treat OR waiting a year, turns out I have to complete a finished story to be cleared, which I will this year.

All that said, I spent quite a bit of time on this and since I could manage to pinch hint and get to make my requests I’m going to leave my DYW letter here. If anyone feels like writing to these prompts, feel free. I’ll probably reuse them last year, depending on what is written for other people, but I already have plans to nominate a few newer fandoms next year.

Fandoms included: Newsflesh (incl Feedback), 

Hi! I’m incredibly excited about Yuletide this year, and I’ve been considering my requests and offers with more thought than I should be willing to admit to this week. There are so many fandoms that I love nominated, and though I’ve learned to be careful about what I offer to write for, I’ve still found myself making detailed mentao pro-con lists, especially since I try not to request fic from the same fandoms I offer to write in. Still, I’ve been surprised by some of the nominations—I only finished The Lonliest Girl in the Universe a week ago, and Lauren James isn’t well-known in the States, despite being one of my favorite authors. Anyway, I think I’ve got my lists figured out now, so the time has come to tell you what it is I love about my favorite pieces of underappreciated media. What an easy project /sarcasm.

 DISLIKES Before I get into the fandoms individually, I suppose I should let you know what my squicks are (you know you’ve been in fandom too long when you’re shocked Word doesn’t recognize the word ‘squicks.) None of these are triggers in particular, I’ve got depression, but it’s managed, and I don’t have any major traumas to worry about in particular. I don’t mine NSFW/explicit fic, but it’s also not often my reason for reading. That said, the following tags make me likely to hit the back button: watersports, alpha/omega, knotting, feces, mpreg. I’m not particularly fond of girl!penis as a kink, though it’s different if the character is actually dealing with being trans or intersex.

 LIKES One thing I do like that a lot of people don’t is bloodplay, though as there aren’t any vampire stories in my requests it probably won’t be a Thing this year, and I’m good with consensual BDSM.

 I’m sure it’s obvious from my reqs that I’m into zombie fiction, though it’s the human side of it I like, whether that’s humans dealing with zombies, or zombies attempting to deal with their humanity. One thing I will say is that I’ve chosen fandoms that all rest on detailed world-building, and if you want to write a fic that explores the edges of these universes without necessarily including the listed characters, I’m happy with that. Anything that explores how the world has changed/how a certain person has been affected by the big change is fine with me!

 I’m bi, with a deeply abiding love for f/f fic. I definitely have het ships that I’ll fill you in on, but I still love stories where those ladies interact with their female friends. I’m very pro kid!fic, I adore time stamps, alternate POVs, epistolary fic, social media fic, anything that explores the world that an author has already built. I wasn’t ever the kid simply rubbing their Barbies together, I acted out Barbie and Ken meeting while they babysat Kelly and Tommy. (True story: these stories were also written down in a notebook I carried around at school. Basically, I started writing Barbie fanfic at the age of eight.)  

 I’ve received some great Yuletide gifts via letters where I’ve spelled out specific desires, but this year I don’t have specific stories I want written so much as worlds I’d like to see explored further. What are they? Glad you asked, friend!

 Newsflesh (Feed, Deadline, Blackout, Rise, & Feedback)

 This isn’t the most obscure fandom in the world, by any means, since it’s written by Seanann McGuiare under her Mira Grant penname, and because Mark Oshiro of Mark Does Stuff chronicled his journey through the original trilogy. That said, I’m pretty obsessed with the world of these books, and have read and reread all the books and novellas, and I’m not as into the main ship as most readers seem to be. I’m adopted, so the relationship between Georgia and Shaun I don’t love incest in general, though a high school obsession with Life with Derek means I can’t cast stones. However, I nominated this fandom in the first place, and I picked the character pool especially so that even if I didn’t end up requesting it, other participants might take the chance to explore other characters, specifically the characters introduced in Feedback. Their story takes place parallel to Feed; while the Masons are covering the Ryman campaign, Aislinn North, the Irwin who adores chasing zombies, and her companions are on the election trail with Senator Shannon Kilbourne. I like Feedback due to the diversity of its cast—Mat, the teams’ techie and makeup blogger, is nonbinary, and Ash is married to Ben, the Newsie, on paper, but really in a relationship with the final member of their team, fiction-writer Audrey). But another feature I love about this book? Unlike the original trilogy, it was written after the date when Grant sets the Rising—July 2014. Because of this, the book contains some amazing pop cultural nuggets that just make the whole thing seem more real, for instance Ash mentions that Frozen merchandise is a rarity, since the Rising happened mid-PR campaign, and Taylor Swift’s pre-2013 music is “before she turned political.” (If only. Tay and JLaw disappointed me last year.) Like I said, I’m not married to you using these characters. Heck, if you want to explore Taylor Swift’s life, post-Rising, that’d be cool with me. That said, I chose Ash, Emily Ryman, Maggie, and Georgia because they are awesome female characters, and I’d love to see them interact. I can see Ash and Maggie having known each other/dated at some point—though post-canon I am pro-Maggie/Alaric, though less crazy about Ash’s girlfriend—and any situation where they could meet would make a great fic, especially if both Georgia and Ash have to deal with their prejudices towards each other. Also, in regards to Maggie, I wouldn’t mind knowing more about Alisa, Alaric’s sister, especially because the Masons take her in from a shelter in Ferry Pass, which is part of my hometown of Pensacola. Emily is painfully underused, being born pre-Rising and developing retinal KA, and all of them are just badasses. Basically, this world is awesome and I think more people need to be exposed to Feedback, and it’s Irish spitfire of a POV-Irwin. Another feature of this universe I’m interested in is the kids who grow up post-Rising. Grant looks into this with blog posts and flashbacks, but even the description of the post-Rising orphanages in the “All the Pretty Little Horses” short story from Rise makes me want more.

 Parasitology Parasite, Symbiont, Chimera

 Another Mira Grant, another apocalypse. People have accused her of revamping the same story again, but in spite of having some similar characters and circumstances Sal’s story is nothing like Georgia or Ash’s. Of course, I adore the similarities in story-telling—ephemera is my kryptonite—but Sal’s development is unique to Mira Grant books, if not to books in general, and her relationship to her own humanity/lack thereof is fascinating. I especially love that she spends the whole series in a committed relationship, one that she is confident of, and that in spite of only technically having existed for six years she is incredibly sure of herself. I nominated this one as well, and chose Sal, Juniper, Doctor Cale, and Tansy because they are strong ladies with complex stories that have lots of room to be explored. Dr. Cale, Tansy, and Sal to a degree, deal with disability—and this is particular interesting for Tansy & Sal, since they are aware of the fact that they are making a choice to keep this malfunctioning human body. Juniper is a little girl, yet she and Tansy are learning to be people together, Sal is learning to be a mother, and in a way so is Dr. Cale. Also, eventually Juniper will have to decide whether or not to engage with the humans of her generation, and that could be fascinating. That said, Grant hasn’t told nearly as many stories in this universe, since the trilogy relies far more on Sal herself than Newsflesh relies on the Masons, so I’d love to see an exploration of how the parasites and chimeras affected other parts of the world. I think the fact that the symbiotes have brought humanity so close to eradicating illness is something that could be explored further, too, especially when you consider that the parasites disabled their inventor, and that if the Mitchells hadn’t been attempting to hide Sally’s epilepsy, Sal might not have been born. There’s also the fact that the other doctor who is close to Sal—Cale’s son, Nathan—does not use the implants at all, suggesting that at their core physicians with their hearts in the right place know that there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed, that maybe humans need illness and disability to thrive.

 In the Flesh

I really debated requesting this, since it’s a fandom I think I could write in, but I liked the idea of letting my requests adhere to a theme, and this series was the first piece of zombie media I ever consumed (pun intended). There have been many great fics in this fandom, they are often AU and revolve around Kieren’s relationships—I’m all for people celebrating canonically queer characters, but to me neither of those ships were what drew me into the series. I didn’t nominate ItF myself, and I wish I had because I would have included Amy Dyer. As it is, I don’t mind if you mention either of Kieren’s relationships, but I only asked for Kieren and Jem because they’re the characters I care most about, truly. Honestly, I actually care the most about Jem, because I think she’s an incredible character who went through so much to protect her family and is forced to face her fears every day in order to have a relationship with the brother who made her who she is—in so many ways. I am also fascinated by the idea of a world that has faced the apocalypse and is having to move forward. The little details that serve to remind us that society had to hit the pause button, such as the lack of cell phones, are really intriguing to me, as well as the issues students like Jem face having to return to school after war. This world also opens the door for an exploration of what life might be like for children&teens who came back—Henry was a missed opportunity IMO—and while I don’t mind if you don’t bother incorporating the storylines Dominic Mitchell has said he would include in a season three, the idea of Jem making a friend with PDS (as opposed to PTSD, that acronym similarity needs mentioning) would be so great. Again, though, feel free to take this world and run with it, no need to stay in Roarton—I wonder what adulthood for Jem would be like, with Kieren never having aged, for instance?

 World War Z

Another of my nominations. I don’t know why, but I am obsessed with this book, specifically the audiobook. Max Brooks has talked about how he based this book on an oral history of WWII, and I think the parallels between the two wars are deep if you look closely—the idea of total war, the amount of work on the home-front, the inefficiency of assuming what won against one enemy will suffice against another, children escaping unimaginable violence, the nuclear bomb survivor, so much more—but what I really loved is how Brooks really fills in the details from each POV he uses. Without naming celebrities, Brooks clearly sets it in the Bush-era, which is interesting to me but probably not affect fic, but shows how well the world is crafted. The imagery that comes from the Australian astronaut who spent the war on the ISS is particularly poignant to me, especially the way he describes them discovering the burrowing zombies. I also get chills from Jessica’s story, the girl whose parents dragged her up to Canada, and when she discovers the Spongebob sleepover, because it’s a mark of how bizarre our culture and entertainment would seem, and how our comforts could disappear in the blink of an eye. I do think that this book is lacking in female POVs, particular ladies who might not be soldiers but were fighting the war in their own way. I loved Joe Mohammad’s POV, too, but not everyone would need to be part of a patrol group or militia to survive. I’d love to see what the situation was like for city-dwellers, or people who were in the areas not getting supplies due to the Reddecker plan. What about the Israelis, what was it like in the country during this isolated period? There have been some great fics exploring issues like euthanasia and abortion in that period, and I’d love to see an issue like that expanded. On the other hand, there is a lot that could come from looking into the world post-war, describing what the Narrator goes through to get these stories, or what kinds of stories he might hear after the initial book is published—a history of the rebuilding would be interesting since in this world the threat isn’t completely gone. Brooks has written two short stories that are explicitly in this world (a couple that are borderline) and one of them, Closure LtD, and I don’t want to spoil it, but it really makes me wonder what other kinds of industries would emerge in a post-zombie war world.

 Inhuman Condition

Also my nomination, this is a webseries that did not get NEARLY the amount of viewers or fans it deserved. The author has created this incredibly interesting alternative history, and I don’t think everyone who watched even knows how much detail was put into it. For instance, I discovered a blog (https://angrydeadgirl.wordpress.com) written from the POV of Clara—my favorite character—wherein she analyzes TV shows such as Grey’s Anatomy, except it’s Grey’s Anatomy reimagined through the lens of this world, and there is NOTHING I love more than inter-textual references like that. There are other in-universe shows that I have honestly begged to see for real, and via the show we only get a taste of these details. I’d also love to know more about how the existence of zombies and lycans affected history aside from the terror attacks we know of from the series. I’d also love to see more about Kessler, what got her into working with other-humans, whether there is a personal connection that we’re not told, more about her daughter, Mira, who has grown up in a world where the truth is known, there’s so much in there to mine. I didn’t nominate Tamar, the character who seems more superhero than supernatural, because to me her story seems to fit into this world less than Clara and Linc. Not that I don’t like her, I did, but while I totally believe they could all exist in one universe—I read Marvel, after all—her condition doesn’t seem to be in the same category, so the backstory would be different. Lycanthropy and Clara’s form of zombiism both seem to be medical conditions, to a degree, and while Tamar’s issues definitely parallel mental illness, it’s a different issue. I wouldn’t mind seeing her or others like her, just that I think the dynamics of lycan/walker-type conditions. I really appreciate how, like In the Flesh, this series allows the conditions to be a metaphor for real life issues, without erasing those issues. One of Clara’s blog entries, for instance, mentions that there are cases of people being killed for not informing sexual partners of their condition, and this is explicitly related to people with HIV who have faced similar violence. Also, Linc and Kessler are both explicitly bisexual, and in my mind Clara is non-straight, too, and that’s a reason I included Mira because WHY NOT? I nominated Frank because after seeing a fic that shipped him and Clara I got interested in what it would be like to have to spend all your time with this vibrant girl who is so afraid of becoming a monster, I don’t ship them necessarily, but I am interested in knowing more about him. This is the one fandom where I am kind of tied to having the canon characters front and center, but if you want to explore this world through a different lens, I’m open to it.

 The Loneliest Girl in the Universe

 I really, really thought about using this slot for iZombie, because it’s one of my favorite things and fits the theme, but I read The Loneliest Girl in the Universe a few weeks ago, and am THRILLED with the idea of finding other people who love it. I also considered offering to write for it, but I do not have confidence in my ability to calculate transmission delays or describe space physics. I mean, it’s basically a YA version of The Martian featuring an MC with anxiety who writes fanfic. WHAT MORE DO ANY OF US WANT? Throughout this book I was terrified that J would turn out to be an AI, but his actual backstory basically broke my heart, as did the reveal of Romy’s history. I really wish her mother had survived, and I would like to see more of her in Romy’s memories or maybe in the logs/archives now that Romy might be open to looking into them. I would love to see her asking Molly about them, or reading/watching her parents’ reports or journals as she builds a new world with Issac. I also want to know about Issac Evans. Who is he? What happened with him and J? Will he and Romy be MFEO, or simply besties who raise babies? What are the other adults on the ship like? Does Romy find a different person to love? Is it a girl? I’d also LOVE LOVE LOVE to see Romy’s life from the POV of an Earth dweller. You see, DYW, I am a huge fan of several family vlogs; there are babies I have watched grow up via the internet, and I am DEEPLY invested in their lives. NASA would be crazy not to have gotten the world to rally around baby Romy, and some of them probably still read her fics. That’s the thing, though, this book includes her fic, and imaging fic from 2067 makes me want to see more of their social media, and to know how it affected this next group of astronauts. Also, since it turns out that J lied about the war and the collapse of the world’s governments, I’d love to see what the world is actually like. What else is NASA doing? Does the entire world freak out when they find out what happened with Romy and J, or only Molly? Who is Molly? Did she suspect J based on how well she knows Romy? I have a need to know.

 That is it, oh Yuletide Author, way too many of my thoughts about Alternate Worlds, most of them infested by the undead. As I’ve said, I would be happy with stories that feature the characters I requested, or that don’t at all, but unless mentioned I’m not crazy about canon-alternatives.

[beautifulhaus]

Journal -  2017/06

I made a journal post with drawings and thoughts that happened last week.

Check it out if you want :)

I was staying up late and the sun started to come up...ha but it was so beautiful so I tried to capture it. This drawing happened and I thought this could be a cool layout for a short film. No plans to make it but maybe I will take it out again one day.

Ideas and Ego

I started to watch a lot of interviews of all different kinds of artists and I found there is an interesting pattern when great artists talk about their ideas.

'It's like this spooky universe picks the day and gives it to me.' 

'My ideas are beyond me, they are not for or from me'

'Just sit down and either something great happens or not'

'We reinvented the wheel by accident'

Ideas as relevant universal gifts that have nothing to do with you as a ego but are just using your body as a door to the world. Have faith in some kid knocking on that door and be kind and not judgmental to that kid. You should listen carefully what she has to say and maybe you might even want to help her with her concern. But also note that you might not get visited for a long time. You might want to put out a nice new welcome matte tho or decorate a little ha.

I like that thought because it takes away the judgment you put over yourself. There are no bad no good ideas, they just are and it's your job to help them come to live and that is it. Help them as best as you can and once you did that, don't judge them. Let them be and wait for the next kid. And if that idea is to write a song about cheeseburgers even though you have never written a song and have no clue about it at all, do it because it is not about you, it is about that song trying to make it .

haha dang so dramatic

Louise Wilson

I discovered her through a Kanye Interview and just want to collect some things I kept from her. She was  probably the most influential fashion professor of our decade – unfortunately passed away in 2014

She said something like 'Sometimes when I talk about the work of my students I would ask them 'Would you show that to Tom Ford?' and they would say 'Oh no, I would have to do that and that better'...

Well then why don't you do it?? 'BE YOUR OWN TOM FORD'

I love that mindset so much and I tried it. I watched some Disney making of videos and then pretended I would work for them and did some sketches...haha. That really opened my eyes on becoming better at something. It is not about the craft itself. It is not about practicing for 231786 years in the sense of exhausting hard work. It is all about you mindset. It is about how you prepare mentally before you put that pencil down and what you allow your body to perform! If you do that you also get a feeling of ultimate self confidence because you get into a state where it's not even questioned that you couldn't do something. And if something does not come out the way you wanted you just do it again.

And again. Again.

'Our students would go to Paris Fashion Week and see how many shows they could get into. They pretended to be the make-up artist. That was actually a class project!'

Just wow I have nothing to say to that. I start tearing up reading this what is wrong with me haha

About students starting her course

'And if Professor Wilson sees herself fighting a crusade, it's not against what students don't know, but what they do. "Their previous education has rendered them incapable. When they come here, it's like rehabilitating them. Because they've been in education since they were five. That's longer than if you'd been in prison for murder. And when you left prison, you'd been given a social worker to rehabilitate you.'

I feel like that is what is happening with me now. The school system is so so so deep embedded in me because I was all about doing great and reaching expectations. I got out when I was 18 and it took me 5 years to just get an idea of  how I have to set my mind in order to survive in the ways my mind and body is supposed to perform.

Great Lady, just by reading and watching her interviews I felt really connected and got a good idea of her approach on life.

Sources

Kanye Interview https://youtu.be/4Rn0hDB6Z8k?t=25m24s

Louise Wilson https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/feb/07/central-saint-martins-louise-wilson https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2014/may/19/louise-wilson-seven-insightful-fashion-quotes#img-1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Li1ty85B_vs

I noticed I keep telling myself the same things haha

People always talk about their passion and how it makes them do amazing things but what is that? Tell me about it because I dont knooow haha.

I do know that feeling of really wanting to do something and getting all these ideas for it but it would never stay for a long time and most importantly on the same thing to do... ha

Is it something we have to look for? Is it something that comes in the act of doing something? Is it something we choose? Is passion a choice? Idk I have always been all over the place with the things I enjoy and have an initial love for but it would eventually dim down and come back and down. Haven't I found the right thing yet or do I have to choose a path and commit to it even in times I don't have any love for it anymore? (Usually the next day ha) Here is something that comforts me in that regard tho.

To have faith in the unexpectedness of life.

We can predict, plan, prepare as much as we want but what is clear is that we don't have a clue of what's going to happen next and using that as a tangible fact that we can rely on brings me back to the present and to what can or has to be done now. So I end up not overthinking and just make random stuff. Like this post :>

I also had to think about my dad who used to spend the whole day in front of his monitor doing paintings in paint... Haha That's all he would do and eventually he printed the ones he liked the most and hang them in the house. What's that feeling? He enjoyed looking at images so he tried all day to make the ones that strike him the most by himself? He did what he wanted to see just for the enjoyment of looking at them? Because he didn't show his work, never talked about it. He just made them.

Fashion has always been something that I found interesting and having my own collection is a Kid that has been sitting in my brain for the longest time. While I thought about some concepts I found out about this fashion brand Comme de garcon and I felt connected to their vision in a weird way. I then got the idea to make concepts for them and send it to them. ‘Here take that and now hire me’ kinda like that haha

I feel very weird about showing it all so maybe I will after after they have ignored it for a few weeks. (Also in case I ever finish it)

Everyone can do something great, everyone has a gift. It's about finding the right mindset, the right vibe that let's your body flow and make all the amazing things it is able to make. What will keep you away from that state are 'wrong intentions'. Doing it for the money, doing it for the fame won't be a healthy engine for the long run.

Is that true tho?

Btw this is the way I tell myself things so even though it might be total bullshit, I just pretend it's true (for now).

Have faith in the unexpected. Have faith in something amazing happening at any given moment.

(All these ideas and thoughts are not my work, I kinda feel this 'body as a vessel' thing. All I am doing is pretty much watching and experiencing on what journey it is on.) I never did anything for my thoughts to come out, they just do. What that mindset leaves you with is a ultimate sense of validity in your existence and everything that is connected to it. (sadness, laughter, embarrassment, uninspiredness, excitement, 'failures' or things that just didn't go as expected/hoped.

Have faith in the unexpected. Don't force it, don't stress it.

I am feeling a very strange feeling of peace right now and I am absolutely cracking myself up inside because all I can think of now is this video where Beyonce is in awe because of everything but I totally feel it too right now aaahaha. Also why am I sounding all spiritual now what is happening?? wth. And do I think I am Beyonce or what? Am I just high on coffee or something???

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O63dea1U33g

Rereading this is the funniest thing, what was going on haha. (random older stuff)

Don't feel whatever was happening yesterday anymore ahaha but what's new.

Life is so extremely short. Everything that seems like the most important and eternal thing is only a blink of an eye, really. Soon we and everything that is our world won't mean anything anymore. There is no excuse to 'waste' time on things that don't feel important to you. Do the things you want gurrrlll

  You already can do anything you want. You just have to have faith in your abilities and get rid of this sense of bad and good. Whatever you do just is, and that's it and that's good. (in the sense that good is all there is) The only thing that stands between 'everything I can do' and  'me at this given point of time' is me doing it.

So have that same sense of 'I can do everything' in all aspects of life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXsQAXx_ao0

It's not about you, it's about the art getting it's chance to exist so get over yourself and let all the babies out. And you don't judge your children, you just let them be, maybe guide them.

(Rereading this makes me cringe hard ahahahaah  I still mean it but at the same time I am thinking like 'Who are you and why does everything sound so spiritual motivated and dramatic ahaha. I wrote that stuff just days ago but it feels like I found an old journal of me as a kind trying to figure things out hahaha oh man anyway...)

I looked at what I wrote and I basically repeat myself again so nevermind haha.

But today I found out about Rupaul and how amazing he is so I watched a lot of interviews again. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSchZdbdWYU

‘ We are an extension of the power that created the entire universe ‘

Again this sounds very spiritual which I am kinda uncomfortable with but it is so true at the same time. I don’t believe in free will. We can not want what we want. We just want things and we just think certain things and get certain ideas and these things are a result or part of the chainreaction of happenings after the bigbang if you will or the creation of the universe. So we are an extension of the power that created the universe. Maybe all this spiritual talk of this week really is just standing really really high on solid facts.

“In fact it was good for me to go back home because I got to recharge my battery and understand what it is I wanted to do in the first place”

Totally what happened to me in the last two weeks??? I was sick and got the chance to just recover and think which braught me to this crazy long post.

Also found out he has a podcast with over 100 Episodes so I know what I can listen to when I draw around now.

http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/rupaul-whats-the-tee-with-michelle-visage

So weird... I came across this songwriter called James Fauntleroy  and he talks about how he wanted to become a comicbook artist, then he got sick which braught him to songwriting and now he is into animation.... That is literally me because I have been recording so many song sketches the past few days and really found a love for it and the drawing thing is given. I used to write songs and always wanted to make music but back then my mindset was all in this ‘this is bad, I am such a beginner, I dont know anything about this’ - mode which I am kinda over with now (not totally but we will get there) and now it’s just fun doing it.

https://youtu.be/EGY0rROcvRQ?t=11m5s

Ok so I was Beyonce, Rupaul and now this guy haha. I don’t know... so weird I really got a sense of ‘a bigger power’ this week though, which I have always heard people talk about but I never really understood or felt it the way I did this week.

Sunday is almost over now and I am thinking about this journal thing. I don’t like that it is packed with so much text, I am also not sure if it’s a good thing that I spend so much time into going back and recalling each day. Even though these texts are only days old it feels like they were written from this super old version of myself because I wrote them in a state of mind which was very specific to that moment I wrote them in. You know when you get sentimental and have all these thoughts you normally don’t have but the next day you wake up and feel totally different and just forget about it. Now I have that stuff written down and reading it 2 or 3 days later is like....This guy needs to chill. Also having to actually lock the things down that go through my mind like I am doing right now is weird because some things just don’t really matter like this stuff right here but since I am writing them down I have pay extra attention to what is going on in my brain haha maybe I should just cut in down extremely for the next time? Maybe only drawings? I don’t know, let’s see if I make another one next Sunday.

Have a good one  :)))

[literaticat]

How should I handle self doubt in my writing? I'm too afraid to fail and its affecting the way I write. I love writing and I don't expect to become famous or anything, but I sometimes wonder if other people are just being nice. I want to get out of my own head, but I don't know how

Well. First of all, you should know that this is something that probably EVERY writer struggles with. So, maybe, it is the sign that you are really on the right track! I asked some author friends for advice and I got a lot of it – maybe you will find some helpful wisdom here:

COMMUNITY:  “Be in community with other writers to feel less alone. Classes also help get you out of your head, have deadlines and companionship.” “Doing something like NaNoWriMo is very helpful for this! It forces you to just push through and keep going and not give in to the anxiety.“ “If you’re able to, attend local workshops and conferences to meet other writers.” (And of course, there is community to be found online, too!)

FREEDOM TO SUCK: “Embrace the process. Let go of the idea of perfection and focus on doing the work.” “Just open the doc and write; the words don’t have to be good. Crappy first drafts! But get words on the page.” “Totally de-emphasize quality until you’ve finished a project. Then let it sit and come back to it weeks later. It’ll be better than you thought. In short: give yourself permission to suck.”

“I think there is a tendency amongst writers to feel like that first draft is the final draft. I struggle with it every time I sit down to write, especially now that I have a novel out there on the shelf. Therefore every word I write is compared to something polished and professionally edited. It’s impossible (for 99% of us anyway) to achieve that on an initial pass. It’s about getting the words on the page. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It may be dialogue heavy and action lite or the reverse and that is okay because revision is where you worry about making it right. I literally have to remind myself of this every single morning as I sit down at my computer because it is always what I am bucking against.“

(And I add: YOU CAN’T EDIT A BLANK PAGE. And SOMETHING is a heck of a lot better – and easier to fix – than NOTHING!)

ATTAINABLE GOALS: “Treat it like a job. Give yourself tasks and goals that are measurable in daily or weekly increments. Create muscle memory so that writing is something that you do despite the doubt.” “Get objective about goals. Celebrate word counts.“

WRITING FOR YOU: “Write for the joy of it, for your own entertainment, without concern for publishing. It’s very freeing to stop worrying about the "rules."” “I just remind myself that the time for second-guessing is during revisions. Drafting is for that pure, stream of consciousness gold that can only be spun when we’re not overthinking.“  “Indulge once a week in a "just for myself” writing project. It can be anything! A poem, a quick story, a picture book. Anything. But it’s only for YOU. Tell yourself you’ll never let it see the light of day. You’ll be freer with it–you’ll get back to the FUN of writing.”

NAME YOUR INNER CRITIC - AND TELL THEM TO STFU: “Libba Bray had an amazing workshop years ago where she had us name our internal editor, say three things our editor tells us, and what we’d like to say to him/her. To this day, I can still picture what my internal editor looks like…and can visualize her being gagged and tied to a chair so she can’t get in my way.“ 

“Say “Thank you for sharing” to that little voice inside your head and write. Write crap, write half-asleep, write unsure, write mad, but write and eventually your muse will get the idea that you mean @#$%^&* business.”

“I talk to my writing students (both young and old) about “The Inner Crazy Lady”.  I’ve learned to write my first drafts as fast as possible and whenever the ICL starts telling me the usual stuff about how this is the worst book I’ve ever written and all my previous books were flukes and I have no idea how to write and I’m a fraud and and and I’ve gotten better at saying “Shut up, bitch, that’s what revision is for."“

BOOKS THAT MIGHT HELP: “I highly recommend the audio version of Steven Pressfield’s bestseller, The War of Art. It’s freakin’ wonderful! Helped me get over my writing / illustrating blocks.“ “I’d recommend both On Writing (Stephen King) and Bird by Bird (Anne Lamott) if she hasn’t read them. Sometimes realizing that all writers have similar doubts and fears can inspire a person to push through them.”  (And a second for those picks!) “Read BIRD BY BIRD by Anne Lamott, ON WRITING by Stephen King, and STILL WRITING by Dani Shapiro. I reread one of these before I start a new project.”  “I’ve just started listening to Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic on audio - it’s pretty inspiring and talks a lot about fear and self-doubt.“

OR…. “Why would you want to get out of your head?  That’s where all the stories come from.  Hang a hammock in there, get comfy and wait for all the really good stuff to come out from the shadows. The self-doubt is what pushes you to keep doing better.  All part of the process!”

OR…. “Therapy!!! I went to therapy to survive my debut year and it was amazing and great. Like leveling up in life.“

The long and the short (ok, the long and the long) is: Being a writer can be totally fun… and frustrating… and demoralizing… and ALL of it. And that is actually all NORMAL. There is LOTS of advice out there - but you need to figure out what YOU need to do to get your mojo. And best of luck!

[willreadforbooze]

Hello!

BIG NEWS PEOPLE! Our Will Read For Booze twitter account (formerly Sam’s personal account) is going to be dedicated to the whole blog! So go check us out kthxxxx. While that’s amazing, Sam has to start from scratch on a new account, let’s show her some love huh? Check out her new account TheBooktender_  She’ll love you forever and ever.

Linz’s Updates

Ugh chronic pain is useless and work gave me a new grey hair, but I got promoted and finally had anniversary dinner, so balance?

What Linz read:

The Wife by Meg Wolitzer: Contemporary novel about a woman’s life as a a famous author’s wife. It’s not breaking any ground and the “twist” is telegraphed pretty hard early on, but it’s well-written and I enjoyed it

Sisters of Shadow and Light by Sara B. Larson: The publisher has kindly asked us to not post reviews until 2 weeks before sale date, so I don’t want to say anything just yet about this fantasy story involving 2 sisters who are stuck in a Paladin citadel, but I’ll post my review on Goodreads Oct. 22.

What Linz is currently reading:

The Good Luck Girls by Charlotte Nicole Davis: OK so I’m an idiot and thought this book was about girls who were forced into magical servitude via cursed tattoos, but, like, as child soldiers, not prostitutes-in-training. Whoops. So given that I thought this was a very different book, I’m not into it yet, but I’m gonna try to hit 20% and re-evaluate if I finish it.

My Lovely Wife by Samantha Downing: JUST got this from the library and I’m a little excited to start reading it today. From Goodreads: “We all have secrets to keeping a marriage alive. Ours just happens to be getting away with murder.”

Sam’s Updates

It’s starting to get cold, so, like Linz, my chronic pain is flaring up. But who can think about that when thE NATS ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES?! We also have Dewey’s 24h Readathon this Saturday so my TBR is here too.

What I read this week:

Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern: So this is where I would normally tell you what this book is about, but IM NOT GONNA. It’s so much better to go into Erin’s books blind and I’m not going to ruin that. What I WILL say is it’s got a giant (as in world size) library. I have no words. This book was perfect and I already want to reread it. Drunk review comin sooon.

The Broken Kingdoms by N.K. Jemisin: This is the second book in the Inheritance series. Parker wrote a hilarious review. Listening on audio. I enjoyed this a lot more than the first one. Maybe it’s because I understand it more? Idk. I already downloaded book 3 from the library so that’s good news.

What I’m currently reading:

  Wild Beauty by Anna-Marie McLemore: So this is a story of a family that always has 5 girls, 5 cousins. The men that spawn these women disappear, so it’s always the women. 5 ladies, 5 mothers, 5 Grandmas (abuelas), when suddenly a boy appears. He has no memories. Guys I know I’m slow going at this but some stuff happened in the book and now I’m v v sad.

Gods of Jade and Shadow by Silvia Moreno-Garcia: This is our book club book for the month. Basically it’s the 1920s-ish in Mexico, and our main character Casiopea accidentally lets the god of death out of prison and he gotta put himself back together before he turns mortal and for a variety of reasons (including potential death herself) Casiopea goes with him. I am getting some SERIOUS Hades and Persephone vibes from this and I love it.

Aurora Rising by Jay Kristoff and Amie Kaufman: This is the first in a new sci-fi series by our fave Illuminae duo. Tyler has it made, he’s gonna get the #bestsquadever. But then when he’s out practicing space stuff, he finds a ship that has a buncha dead people in cryopods, except one isn’t dead, she’s Aurora. Anyway he ends up with the last of the last crews and may have accidentally witnessed the start of an intergalactic war. So.. that. I’m really really liking the dynamic of the squad, everyone is a little odd and a little broken but they’re starting to get to know each other. We’ll see if my love for them overcomes the pace of the story (slowwww).

Dewey’s 24h Readathon TBR

…And Other Disasters by Malka Older: I got this ARC in the mail a few weeks ago and I want to knock it out before it comes out. It’s a collection of poetry and short stories and I can’t wait

A River of Royal Blood by Amanda Joy: I picked this up at ALA and the cover has me hooked. Cannot wait to read it.

Girls of Storm and Shadow by Natasha Ngan: This is the sequel to Girls of Paper and Fire which Linz reviewed. I wasn’t super impressed with book 1, I’m giving the series another chance with book 2.

Minda’s Updates

What Minda finished:

These Divided Shores (Stream Raiders #2) by Sara Raasch – So really loved the second installment and double love that it was a duology. I think two books was the perfect amount to explore the intricacies of the island melting pot of Grace Loray and the threat its people face from the mainland. With plant magic! Stay tuned for review. 4/5 shots.

What Minda is reading now:

HEIST by Kezzy Sparks – A debut magic-based paranormal suspense novel that I will 100% finish this week. Look for the review around when the book drops Oct 31

Ginny’s Updates:

Well, I finished my first full week as an aunt and it was delightful! I got about 8 hours of baby time today (which equals approximately two hours of reading while mom, dad, other aunt, and nana all takes naps). Also, there were some other surprises this week (no worries – no books were harmed… actually some comic books were harmed, but for a good cause).

Currently Reading:

Queen of the Unwanted  by Jenna Glass: This is the sequel to Women’s War which came out last year. Because I got the arc of that, Netgalley asked if I was interested in reading this and the answer was YES. I’m not super far in but I’m excited!

Agent to the Stars by John Scalzi: I read a book by John Scalzi a while back called Fuzzy, where the main character discovers the cutest animal ever and it turns out to be sentient and he has to prove it. This is the kind of the opposite, aliens exist but they look like the thing of nightmares but are actually super cool. Tom, the main characters, is a Hollywood agent who has been tasked with figuring out how to introduce the aliens to the public. It’s pretty delightful, the idea and the characters are fun. You can tell it’s one of Scalzi’s earlier novels as there’s some undertones of (as the news has told us) industry-standard misogyny. The main character, luckily isn’t a dick, but there’s still some statements that were a little bit cringey. Doesn’t change the fact that I trust Scalzi and I’m enjoying this book.

Finished:

Laughter at the Academy by Seanan McGuire: I’m lucky enough to have gotten this as an ARC from Netgalley. This is a collection of short stories from throughout McGuire’s career. It’s delightful to see some of the earlier stories next to things that have a more modern feel. I’m planning on writing a review for this one!

Pocket Apocalypse by Seanan McGuire: Yes, okay, I read two of these books in the same week. This is the 4th book in the InCryptid series and continues to delight. Alex has to go to Australia to try to help end a werewolf infestation. Yet again, planning on writing a review of this so I’m not going to say too much.

How Long ’til Black Future Month by N.K. Jemisin: This is another book of short stories and like all collections, some are stronger than others. That doesn’t change the fact that there’s some absolutely amazing pieces among this collection, the kind of pieces that make you never want to write a single word ever again because you aren’t going to be able to write something so good. My particular favorites ended up being a story set in a reality bubble where people are only connected via blogs and one set during Hurricane Katrina that included a set of lizards that could talk. Both of those stories (and many of the ones I didn’t mention) had this beautiful flow to it, and had these really subtle feelings of hope or dread. 5/5

Until next time, we main forever drunkenly yours,

Sam, Ginny, Linz, and Minda

Weekly Wrap Up: Oct 6- 13, 2019 Hello! BIG NEWS PEOPLE! Our Will Read For Booze twitter account (formerly Sam's personal account) is going to be dedicated to the whole blog!

[lumiolivier]

Chapter Fifteen:  Yes, Mistress

Word Count:  3735

Chapter No. 15/36

Notes:  This chapter is so cute.  It makes me turn to mush every time I reread it.  Enjoy!

Chapter Fourteen:  Follow the Post-Its

Soft, glowing candlelight and scattered rose petals led me to the park gazebo where a bottle of cabernet and a set of glasses waited for me.  As beautiful as this was, I was the only one here.  No note.  No stalker. Not quite sure how to feel about this, but it’s an unopened bottle of wine and sweet serenity.  I’m not complaining.

 However, the rustling in the woods came off a tad unsettling.  And if I didn’t know any better, I’d think I heard a camera shutter. I didn’t read too terribly much into it. Instead, I did what I always did when I had no clue what the hell was going on.  I looked up and got completely lost in the night sky.  The stars seemed a bit more dazzling tonight than usual. Might as well crack open this wine.

 “Please, allow me, my lady,” a warm, English accent sent chills down my spine, taking the bottle away from me.

 “Are…” I had been rendered speechless, “Are you my stalker?”

 “Stalker?” he scoffed, “Heavens, no.  You know exactly who I am.  If I may call you by your first name?”

 “I don’t understand why you haven’t,” I couldn’t move.  I wanted to turn around and see the face that matched that voice.

 “You needn’t be nervous around me, Mimi,” he tried to comfort me, “You know who I am.  You just need to think.”

 “I know Sebastian isn’t real,” I rolled my eyes, “I’m almost insulted.”

 “Not my intentions,” he assured, “But you’re right.”

 “You don’t sound like J. Michael Tatum,” I thought out loud, “Nor do you sound like Daisuke Ono.”

 “You’ve heard my voice before,” he promised, “In fact, you heard it earlier today.  About four and a half hours ago.  Perhaps if I were to go from an English accent to an American one, you’d know exactly who I am.”

 “Hold on,” I thought a little harder, instantly settling down, “Julian?”

 “Who else would bring you out here?” he dropped the accent and wrapped his arms around the top of my shoulders.

 “I thought it was a fan gone nuts,” I admitted, “But you did say keep Saturday open.”

 “I promise I won’t kill you,” Julian swore, “But I have been busy.”

 “I see that,” I noticed the roses on the other side of the bucket and the rich, blue ribbon wrapped around the gazebo pillars.

 “You haven’t even seen the best part,” he spun me around.  I…I didn’t know what to say.  What stood in front of me…was absolutely flawless.

 “Oh my God.”

 “Well?” Julian asked, “Good enough?”

 He cosplayed Sebastian for me.  Down to the last detail, Julian had become Sebastian Michaelis.  My body pillow took human form.  And I was either about to cry or have a nosebleed.  Not quite sure if it’d be metaphorical or not. Hopefully not.  This dress was a pain in the ass to make.

 “Julian,” I put my hand to his cheek, still not completely sold this wasn’t Sebastian, “You’re perfect.”

 There it was again! That snap from the woods! Immediately, my head jerked toward it, snapping me out of my headspace.  But of course, because Julian was Julian, he knew exactly what to say when I needed to hear it.  He sat me down in the gazebo, “Sorry.  I should’ve told you.  I had a friend of mine snapping pictures.  I couldn’t let this go undocumented.”

 “Hello!” some guy waved from the woods.

 “Hi,” I started settling down.  And once the gravity of the situation began to set in, I swallowed the growing lump in my throat, “Julian, I need some answers like yesterday.”

 “You want to know why I put you through the rigmarole,” he assumed, “And all the bullshit of following post-it notes all over your house for us to end up here.”

 “Yeah,” I nodded, taking a heavy drink from my wine glass.

 “First of all,” Julian took my hand, “You really do make a cute, crossdressing Ciel.  I thought I was going to shit myself when I saw you as Miku, but this fits you a lot better.”

 “Thank you,” I blushed.

 “Perfect,” he smiled, “Paul? You get that?”

 “We’re golden!” his friend popped up from behind him.

 “Good,” Julian continued, “Now, back to us.  When I moved to Lenexa, I was going to become a hermit, give up cosplaying, and fall off the face of the internet.  A total ghost story.  Instead, I find a little girl at the café that had a spark about her.  She was the best kind of weird.  She quoted Death Note within our first forty-eight hours and had yaoi dreams about the Iwatobi Swim Club.  She spooned a body pillow of this devilishly attractive butler every night. She knew the ins and outs of Fullmetal Alchemist like the back of her hand and could argue why RoyEd is an abomination until she was blue in the face.  That’s when I knew.  If I were stupid enough to let something like you slip through my fingers, I…I don’t know. I’d deserve to get the shit beat out of me with one of Winry’s wrenches.”

 “You, too?” I gasped, understanding exactly what he was trying to say.

 “Me, too?” he gave me a look, “You, too?”

 “Are we on the same wavelength here?” I wondered, starting to confuse myself.

 “I think so,” Julian pulled me against his chest, giving me the deepest, most passionate kiss I’ve ever had in my life.  And I never wanted it to end, “Was it something kind of like that?”

 “Sort of,” I nuzzled my face in his shoulder.

 “I love you, Mimi,” he held me closer.

 “I love you, too,” I hid a smile, “Julian, I’ve been wanting to tell you that for the past couple days, but had no idea how.”

 “Try the past week.”

 “Touché,” I nodded, “But you mean it, right?  You actually do…You know…”

 “Of course I do,” Julian giggled, “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have gone through all this.  You told me you had high standards.  If I wasn’t a demon butler, half made of metal, a colonel turned Fuhrer, a host, or beautifully cut and fast in the water, I’d have no shot.  So, I thought this would’ve been a good way to get your attention.  And I’m sure it made for some excellent pictures, too.”

 “Julian,” I curled into his chest, “You did Sebaciel for me.”

 “You did Miku for me,” he pointed out, “And tomorrow, you’ll be Misa, too.”

 “The things we do for love, right?” I shrugged.

 “That’s right,” Julian kissed the top of my head, “Wine?”

 “God, yes,” I begged, “My feet are killing me and I’m exhausted.  After you left, I forgot how much it sucked being up front alone.  And we were packed.”

 “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he apologized, “But I’m sure this was worth it, right?”

 “Oh, yeah,” I nodded, “Definitely.  Was it worth the gonorrhea?”

 “Always,” he laughed, “You are worth the gonorrhea.”

 “What the hell are you two talking about?” his friend thought we were on drugs.

 “Inside joke,” Julian explained, “I told the boss I had a doctor’s appointment to get out of work, so I could set this up.  By the way, Mimi, this is my friend Paul.  He’s my photo bitch.  Any time I need cosplay prints, he’s my guy.”

 “Excuse me?” Paul shot him a glare, “I’m not your photo bitch.  Who takes a ten percent commission on all of your pictures?”

 “You.”

 “And who came all the way from Kansas City to do this for you?”

 “You.”

 “Hi,” Paul smiled at me, “I’m Paul.  I’m Julian’s photographer, not photo bitch.  You’re too good for him.  Run far and run fast.”

 “Mimi,” I introduced myself, “And I love Julian to pieces.  I’m not leaving him.  It’s almost like…I sold my soul to him already.”

 “You didn’t…” Julian beamed, “Did you put the contacts in, too?”

 I untied my eyepatch covering my right eye, revealing the little purple pentagram beneath it, “Of course I did.  Like I could cosplay Ciel without the contract.”

 “Mother of God, I love you,” Julian held me tighter than the corset did, “If I wasn’t currently working through some commitment issues, I’d marry you.”

 “It’s a bit soon for that,” I settled him, “I mean, we just started dating.”

 “I like hearing you say that,” he admitted, “It sounds so sweet and lyrical.”

 “You don’t need to suck up to me, sweetie,” I assured.

 “I wasn’t sucking up,” he promised, “Although, rumor has it your parents are out of town, right?”

 “Yeah,” I nodded, “How did you know that?”

 “How do you think I got into your house?” he scoffed, “Your mom let me in.  Your parents were right behind me when I left.  Although, they were awfully curious as to why I had one of your dresses.”

 “What did you tell them?”

 “I needed it for a project,” he kept cryptic, “Good enough for them.”

 “Good,” I sighed out, already finishing my second glass.

 “So,” Julian brought it back, “Paul, you want to crash at my place tonight since you’re taking our Death Note pictures tomorrow anyway?”

 “Sure,” Paul agreed, “Sounds good to me.”

 “And you, young lady,” Julian forced my gaze, “Maybe you shouldn’t be home by yourself.”

 “Are you proposing a sleepover already?” I assumed.

 “I might be.”

 “In that case,” I gave him one more kiss, “I don’t see why not.  My bed’s a tight fit, though.”

 “There’s always your parents’ bed,” he pointed out.

 “That’s a California king, too,” I smiled, “Alright.  You can stay tonight.”

 “And maybe tomorrow?”

 “We’ll see,” I filled glass number three.

 “As much of a blast third wheeling is,” Paul joked, “Julian, give me your house keys.”

 “Yeah,” Julian pulled out his key ring from his coat pocket, “You did lock my house up when you left, right?”

 “Yeah,” I took another heavy drink.

 “Don’t rifle through my shit,” Julian put his house key in Paul’s hand, “And don’t suck down all my booze.”

 “I’ll just eat you out of house and home instead,” Paul promised, “See you tomorrow, guys.  It was nice meeting you, Mimi.”

 “Bye, Paul!” I waved him off, “He seems like good people.”

 “He is good people,” Julian squeaked, “Paul’s the best kind of people.  And he’s a damn fine photographer.  His pictures are amazing.  I met Paul in Kansas City a few years ago and he’s been doing all my pictures since.”

 “Do you have any of your prints?” I wondered, “Or do I have to scour the internet?”

  “I have some,” he promised, “I’ll show you my portfolio.  What about you?  You don’t have anything weird I’d find on the internet, do you?”

 “Other than my fan fiction?” I thought it over, “No.  And I already gave you my link.  But just a forewarning, it can get kind of gross.”

 “I’m not surprised,” Julian pulled me onto my feet, “You’re a little fujoshi that’s probably got a dark side.  If you were bendy in your dream, does that mean you’re bendy for real?”

 “What do you think?” I rolled my eyes.

 “I think there’s something you’re not telling me,” he teased, holding me close, “Were you a camgirl?”

“No!” I squealed, “No!  No!  No!  I was not a camgirl!  I was not whoring myself out on the internet.  No!  If I’m going to be doing livestreams, they’re going to be gaming related.  No!  I am not, nor have I ever been a cam girl.”

 “I don’t know,” Julian shrugged, “They knock down some decent money.  Spend a summer as a camgirl and you’re paying your way through college.”

 “I’m not becoming a camgirl,” I put my foot down, “That’s not going to happen.  I don’t care how much money they make.  It’s degrading.”

 “Only if you don’t like it,” he took my hand and we started heading back toward his car, “If you do, it’s just having fun on the internet.  Nothing degrading about it.  And I just thought since you were cute and you’re a cosplayer…”

“I’m not doing it, Julian,” I growled, “Get the idea out of your head right now.”

 “But what if…”

 “No!”

 “Alright,” he dropped it, “Fine.  You’re not going to be a camgirl.  But the more you’re willing to do on camera, the more money you make.”

 “That’s practically prostitution,” I snapped, “I’m not doing it.  Anymore mention of it and I’m going to punch you in the nuts.”

 “You know,” Julian smiled, “That’s a weird fetish, too.”

 “Julian!” Once I settled down, I had an idea.  A way to turn this around, “Don’t make me order you…”

 “Please,” he begged, “Order me, Mistress.”

 “You’re such a dork,” I rolled my eyes.

 “You know,” Julian went back to his normal self, getting the car door for me, “I don’t know what to do with myself.  I get to spoon more than Miku tonight.”

 “It’s weird, though,” I rested my head on his shoulder, “I still get to snuggle Sebastian.”

 “And I get to snuggle a crossdressing thirteen-year-old boy,” he cringed, “Ok, that didn’t even sound better in my head.  I feel dirty.”

 “You should,” I laughed, “But if it’s any consolation, that thirteen-year-old boy you’ll be cuddling tonight is actually a twenty-two year old girl that’s completely legal and won’t get you jail time.”

 “That’s comforting.”

 Julian and I went back to my house, ready to call it a night.  He untied my corset for me like a sweetheart and I thumbed through my closet. For the sake of wanting to be adorable, I had a onesie for this very occasion.  And in an instant, I went from Ciel Phantomhive to Honey-senpai’s bunny Usa-chan.

 I went back into the living room where Julian was unfortunately no longer Sebastian.  But I could accept that.  We had all intentions of putting a movie on and clocking out, but instead, I had something else in mind.  Something almost better than that.  Usually, my pre-bed movie of choice was Howl’s Moving Castle, so Joe Hisaishi’s beautiful music could soothe me to sleep, but I had a Blu-Ray come in a couple weeks ago and I couldn’t say no.

 “Excuse me,” Julian pulled me down to the couch, “Could you not be adorable for five minutes?”

 “That’s not happening,” I cuddled into him, “At least I don’t have the hood up.”

 “Are you…” he put my hood up for me, “Are you fucking Usa-chan?”

“Maybe,” I grabbed the remote off the coffee table, “You did say you were on episode three, right?”

 “Did you grab Dramatical Murder?” he guessed as GOATBED played in the menu.

 “I did,” I pushed play, “Something kind of monumental happens this episode and I will be squealing, so promise me you won’t make fun of me.”

 “I promise,” Julian pulled my hood down, kissing my forehead, “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

 “I can,” I argued, “It was one of those only a matter of time things.  We’re very Edwin like that.”

 “That we are,” he agreed, “Now, I love you, Mimi, but shut up.  I want to see what’s going on.  My Japanese isn’t good enough to watch this without subtitles.”

 “Alright,” I stopped, “Go ahead.”

 And now, we wait.  I watched Julian’s face as the episode progressed.  And only a few minutes in, I couldn’t help myself.  Noiz had walked into the shop Aoba worked at and I waited.  Whenever they’d get just a little close, I’d jump a little, anticipating the ending.  That was until Noiz had broken into Aoba’s house and had him pinned against the wall.

 “What the hell?” Julian freaked, “Why doesn’t Aoba turn around and deck him?”

 “You’ll see,” I settled him.

 “And why would Noiz want to destroy Ren?!” he whined, “Ren’s adorable and fluffy!  Why?”

 “Julian,” I sat in his lap, “Relax.  You’ll find out eventually.  Just shut up and watch.”

 “How is this guy your main?” Julian asked, “He’s a dick with a massive chip on his shoulder.”

 “Again,” I repeated myself, “You’ll see.”

 “I don’t know, Mimi,” Julian fed me Pocky, “I can’t find myself liking this guy.”

 “You’ll learn to love Noiz,” I promised, “Now, shut up!  It’s about to get to the good part.”

 “That’s sweet, I guess,” he awed as Noiz kissed the back of Mio’s, one of the little kids that frequent the shop to pester Aoba, hand, telling her that rowdy little girls weren’t cute.  Personally, I found this a travesty because Mio was the cutest little thing.  And she’s got two brothers.  She’s not going to not be a little rowdy.  Julian let out a little giggle, “Sexual harassing pierced guy? Really?  That’s the best they could’ve come up with?”

 “Just wait for it,” I beamed, my eyes glued to the screen.

 “And why would a simple, sweet gesture get her so flustered?” Julian asked, “It’s not like he was asking her back to his place for cocktails.”

 “Wait for it…”

 “Exactly,” Julian agreed with him, “It was just a little kiss.  It didn’t mean anything.”

 “AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I squealed, watching the only true yaoi moment in the whole anime. Noiz and Aoba’s kiss.  I wondered if Noiz used tongue.  And if Aoba could feel his tongue rings.  And if I could get that on a loop, “THERE IT IS!  THERE IT IS!  THERE IT IS!  YES! YES!  AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

 “Jesus, Mimi,” Julian tried to settle me down, “Now, I understand the warning.”

 “THEY’RE SO PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER!” I continued my spazzing, “THEY NEED TO BE TOGETHER!”

 “Mimi,” he took a page out of Noiz’s book, kissing me with the same passion, “Relax.  I get it.  But take it down a notch.”

 “Sorry,” I apologized, “I get a little excited when I see my ships sail.  And that was the exact moment I started shipping Noiz and Aoba. When I played the game, I played Noiz’s route first.  And when that moment popped up, I practically cried.”

 “Really?” Julian worried, “I thought you were shipping Noiz and Koujaku.”

 “Oh, I do,” I assured, “Don’t get me wrong.  But there’s something special about Noiz and Aoba, too.  And Aoba and Koujaku.  I could see Aoba and Koujaku having the most adorable domestic life.”

 “Do tell,” he got up to go to the kitchen and crack another bottle of wine.

 “I could see Aoba and Koujaku moving in together,” I painted the picture, “Somewhere in the Old Residential District.  Aoba’s heart is there.  Koujaku wouldn’t want to take him away from that.  They’d get married, adopt a couple babies.  Maybe a pair of twins.  You’ll find out what that means later.  But when the babies start crawling, they’d terrorize the hell out of Ren and Beni. When they got older, Aoba would do carpools and bake sales while Koujaku would come home from work, ready to spend some time with his family.  It’d just be the most precious domestic life and I want them to be happy.”

 “What about Aoba and Noiz?” Julian wondered, ���What if they were to be together forever?”

 “They’d travel the world together,” I smiled, “A little bit of a spoiler.  More for the game than the anime, but Noiz isn’t from Midorijima. Noiz is from Germany.  He’s occasionally his little brother’s personal assistant, so that’s got him going back and forth from Japan to Germany all the time.  One day, Noiz would come back to Midorijima and beg for Aoba to move to Germany with him. That’s more game canon.”

 “So, what would make them world travelers?” he sat back down, giving me another glass of cabernet.

 “I’m sure Noiz would have to go all over the place for his brother,” I assumed, “There’s no way he’d leave his boyfriend behind.  They would never want to be separated from each other.”

 “Wow,” Julian stole another kiss from me, “You paint such beautiful pictures, Mimi.”

 “Some of that,” I admitted, “is fan fiction canon, too.”

 “Still came from your imagination, didn’t it?” he pushed my hair out of my face, “I wonder what it’s like to crawl around in your brain.  Through your imagination.  Through your memories.  Through every little thought you have.”

 “You’re getting ahead of the storyline, Julian,” I scolded, thinking about how Aoba has the power to do exactly that.

 “What?”

 “You’ll see,” I turned on another episode.  

 “So, I have a question,” he wondered, “Do we ever see Aoba and any of the characters doing anything objectionable?”

 “In the game, yes,” I nodded, “In the anime, no.  That was kind of disappointing.  On its own, the series isn’t half bad.  I hope a season two comes out with all the fun shit from Reconnect.  Then, you’d get to meet Noiz’s little brother and find out a little more about Aoba’s backstory and it’s just…There’s too much in Reconnect to NOT make a season two.  If you can’t handle much for yaoi, just watch the anime, but there’s a lot of incredible story in the game, too.  Like I said, for it being a yaoi game, it’s a very well written and very deep story.  It’s not just two dudes fucking anywhere they can. And one dude fucking a robot.  And a dog.”

 “No…” Julian cringed, “Not Ren…He’s too pure and too precious for this world.  Tell me this doesn’t go into bestiality.”

 “It doesn’t,” I clarified, “But the dog…The dog is hot.  Ren is a hot dog.  His online mode is gorgeous and I would fuck the dog.  I know it sounds disgusting, but you’ll understand as we go through the series.”

 “It’s no wonder why people think otakus are a little fucked up,” he giggled, pulling me closer to him, “So, I believe I was promised another episode.”

“Yay!” I squeaked, curling into his chest and putting the next episode on.

 Never did I ever think I’d be doing this.  A Saturday night in a kigurumi with my equally as much otaku as me boyfriend, watching one of my favorite anime.  All while in the morning, he and I would be doing a cosplay shoot.  Even though we had done one tonight.  This feeling was so strange.  I had never had it before.  With my ex, I was always walking on eggshells, trying to hide who I was from him.  It was kind of nice to have someone like me for a change.  Someone I don’t have to hide from.