#anyway i actually changed my theme weeks ago after 2 whole freaking years so it’s a win-win situation 🤭

[euphor1a]

📱 ꒰ lockscreen tag! ꒱˖♡

=͟͟͞⚝ INSTRUCTIONS: share your lockscreen and home screen, then tag people to do the same!

=͟͟͞⚝ TAGGED BY: syria 💫 @baljinciaga & dani @jjunis ✨ ageeeeees ago; tysm for thinking of me, frens! 💗 n i’m sorry for doing this after months oof 🥺

not sharing my exact home screen cause it’s mostly empty except a clock/weather and the google search widget and i would rather not disclose my exact location thx... 😐

=͟͟͞⚝ TAGGING: anyone who sees this and would like to share!! feel free to tag me if you do 💕!! i mean it!! look at me trying to disregard the fact that i do not have the courage to tag anyone 🤡✌🏼

[magnumdays]

Magnum PI 2x19 “May the Best One Win”review AKA Fangirling over my new favorite episode

Staring off we got the whole Magnum introducing Higgy as his partner...or TC’s fiancee and TC being all “we cool man?” and Magnum saying what us fans were all screaming last week (Magnum: IT MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE IF SHE MARRIES ME! I WANT TO BE HER KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR DAMMIT!)

Then Higgy is all “If you are done fighting over me...” - I mean, just, yeah, throw that in there just to torment me some more.

We basically transitions right into Magnum suggesting a divorce lawyer for Higgy in case she and TC ever “hit a rough patch” and her being all “I’m marrying TC to make sure WHAT WE HAVE doesn't get FUCKED UP, can’t you see that?” (I’m paraphrasing but that was the gist of it) I just can’t with this. It’s like 2 minutes in and I’m like in shipper heaven.

Anyways, then we have the case! The let’s work both sides and make double the money and just the whole both spouses think the other is cheating but it’s all just a big misunderstanding and goodness, happiness and love wins in the end? It totally works for me. This is the kind of PI cases I WANT. Like not super serious people dying cases and shoot outs! People just being stupid and Magnum and Higgy helping uncover their secrets and then making everything better!

We also get the “May the Best PI win!” which I’ve been waiting for since we got the spoiler bit for this ages ago. 

So we got a side plot with Rick that I really- REALLY - like for once! Want to guess why? BECAUSE IT TIES INTO THE THEME! Like huh? They manged that for the first time since forever? 

Yeah, I’m shocked too. But someone really thought about this or they got really lucky by chance because;

First we got the married couple not communicating and about to lose their chance at a love and a happy future because of it. When all their secrets are out they can finally start to fix things and heal.

Secondly we got the woman whose dad dies and she tries not to care because they didn’t have contact for so long but when Rick goes looking he realizes her dad did care and he lost his chance at love because he didn’t communicate. Now she can hopefully heal from both the sadness of her dad leaving as a kid and being dead and be a little happier.

Then we maybe kind of have Higgy who by deciding to actually listing to what she’s feeling for once and deciding not to get married to TC for the wrong reason/ not wanting to live a lie (making it possible for her to find love and happiness with the right person in the future...)

I don’t know, maybe the Higgy one is reaching a bit but the main theme of we don’t know what we or other people are really feeling or thinking and we act anyway, that’s when we get in trouble pretty much work for everything.

Which is a really freaking great + it’s a good theme! It’s true but no so on the nose as something like ‘don’t lie’ or ‘love fixes everything’.

So yeah. Now back to the Miggy godness.

We got: 

married-not-married arguing

Kumu’s “The way you two bicker you might as well be married.”

I mean! Come on!

Then fun times with Higgy getting all the guys to do her bidding...and also actually paying for gas! I do hope this comes back in season 3 where Magnum realizes his pals actually deserves praise and compensation/ or them being all “we’re not helping unless you pay us like Higgy does”.

This could be a character growth kind of possibility arch, thingie, episode or whatever for next year.

The other arch for Thomas Magnum I really want to see in season 3 is the I’m FINE (but I’m not) one kind of lead to something (something bad). 

I know they’re going for a go-lucky kind of Magnum but fact is Magnum is a solider who spent time in a POW camp, he was betrayed by his ex-fiance, one of best friend got tortured and killed like not super long ago, his ex-fiance came back and shot him then came back again and died in his arms, his partner nearly drowned and he CPR her back to life, he thought he had a future with Abby but she dropped him like a hot potato and most recently he got swapped out of his (fake) wedding last minute, then fake wedding didn’t happen and he though he’d be separated from the love of his life his partner for an unknown amount of time and all he’s been saying is “I’m fine”. 

He’s got some baggage and having him always go I’M FINE isn’t really good or healthy because he isn’t fine. He doesn't have to be fine. Except when he acts like he’s not fine (like after Abby) everyone just tries to make him cheer-up when maybe he kind of needs to talk to someone about the kind of wacky stuff he’s been through. This is both something he and Higgy and even the guys need to work on. Basically it was only Gordon who was like, it’s rough, I’m here for you. I mean Higgy was there for him too, she just said “Staycation” a lot to make it not seem like she was because emotions, scary. 

Still I need like Magnum having nightmares about something and actually being all “I’m not fine” and for someone to go “okay. that’s fine. you don’t have to be okay all the time” (Oh this just screams at me to fanfic:it, but I just can’t start anymore of them without finishing a few. So bad thought, bad, go away.)

So, um where was I before I got sidetracked? Oh, right the general wonderfulness of the episode?

Gordon making Magnum say: I’m kinda useless without Higgins.

Then having Magnum take hacking lessons from like a 12 year old on Youtube and begging Kumu lie about having seen Higgins computer (how has he not gotten his own laptop yet???) 

I mean it’s almost not funny anymore (It is. It’s legit the most I’ve smiled in a while.)

“Maybe I’ll let the wife decide“ when buying pie and then bringing said pie back to Higgins. 

“There’s a hug and then there is a hug.”

(I needed this to be foreshadowing and IT WAS NOT! I still can’t hate it because she kind of agree there are different hugs and now I want all the hugs for them...or you know just one! ONE HUG!)

And winner of this round of random things I loved, might be: “You figure out I’d make a better fake husband than TC?”

Can you be more obvious Magnum?

Then Higgins saying “I do still need a maid of honor!” (which we know isn’t true because last week she said she’d asked Kumu but we’re assuming she’s saying it just to tease him). But this made me think of that move Made of Honor movie with Patrick Dempsey where the guy she asks to be her maid of honor is actually the guy she ends up really marrying... at some later point.

Also has anyone sounded more British than Higgy going; “Oh no not the pie.“ after Magnum was all; “I’m taking my pie with me!” 

Then we got my babies being sneaky and adorable and working together (because you know, even when they’re not on the same team, they are).

Then we got them kicking ass together (well more like getting their asses kicked) and only Higgy getting the gun saves them. But you know, that’s okay because I love it when she gets to be a bad-ass and knock people out. 

I do feel like we need to work a little more on the realism on how bruises work on pale people, especially girls. Because you know, Higgy got slammed into like a table and slapped and seriously has anyone been slammed into a table by a really big guy lately? Well, and let me tell you from experience, even being slammed into a table by a small guy leave a bruise. And no way would she not get a swollen eye or lip from a slap that spun her around and landed her on the floor. Do you know how hard you need to slap someone for that? I mean she’s tiny (she’s what 5′4? 1115 pounds soaking wet?) and the guy was big but, still in real life she wouldn’t even be getting up, she’d be out cold, but it’s TV-land so I’ll forgive it but still, wouldn’t a tiny bit of blood on her lip make sense?

It’s kind of strange because sometimes they seem to really like putting the blood and gooe make-up on both Perdita and Jay and other times it’s like, nope, nothing, we’re invincible vampires this episode.

For today I understand the why of it though. They wanted our babies to look pretty for the wedding. Well, the wedding that doesn't happen which we all knew but still... 

Before that though; TC planing on crying at his fake wedding? Adorable.

First of all how does she mange to look both stunning and terrified this whole scene? 

Look at her big eyes with the I’m about to cry shininess. Also the flower bits in her hair totally not her yet somehow totally works. 

I also love how when he first enters he stops and looks at her for a second, like Higgy in a wedding dress. I think I might have some feels. And come on Thomas, couldn’t you have told her she looks nice? You can clearly see she’s freaking. But no you go straight for the “fake nerves?” which I guess makes sense because maybe someone told you there was only 2.5 minutes left of the episode so there was no time for compliments...

Anyways, then comes the heartbreaking bit. Because she has changed her mind and isn’t going to marry TC (or him). She’s not going to marry anyone and she’ll have to leave him.

Leading us to the “Just fine.” moment I equally hate and love. 

Don’t they both kind of look like they’re about to cry here? I feel like that’s the general vibe, or maybe it was the fact that I was tearing up a bit when I first watched it that makes me feel like that...

And as always tumblr stole the stuff I wrote here! I wish I’d learn and could go one week without losing like a chunk of text.

So I was just basically saying I loved this but I’d much rather have had Magnum go “No, I won’t” (when she says he’ll be fine) and then have her be “yes you will” and then he could just be Shrug or go “I guess I’ll have to be” or something else dramatic to show it’s a big deal to him. Then next week we could have him be really trying hard to reach Robin instead of having it all just be fixed with one little phone call. Like maybe Robin is undercover for his new book so Magnum has to make some sort of deal with some shady person who works for Robin to get his undercover contact. Or something and that could come back in season 3 as an episode...

Wow, this got kind of long, but yeah, I just loved this episode and wanted to gush about it and probably I won’t gush (or even complain) as much about 2x20 so it’ll even out in length...

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S4 Ep 23: Roland Freaks Out for 25 Straight Minutes

Oh man, took a break from the blog for a bit there because I gave myself a project to do that is 160ish color panels to draw by June 30th and um...it takes a while to do that, it turns out. Every time I’m like “wow I actually have enough time to make a buffer for the blog” I get so distracted.

But anyways, I started having some issues with my wacom tablet, my mouse is a nightmare, and so...I’m just gonna look the other way and write a recap and unplug all of the wacom stuff and just stay the hell away from whatever happened to that...tablet.

maybe It’ll be fine tomorrow?

*sweats nervously*

Thank God I didn’t buy a cintique, that’s all I’ll say. 

Anyway, lets go back to Yugioh. Where were we?

That’s right. Mokuba is checking in with my favorite Kaiba, Roland, who is currently just trying to keep the company running while the official Kaibas are flying to California.

And I’ll be honest, as I was typing this I thought “and why are they going to California again?” and it took me like...10 minutes to remember that Seto dropped absolutely everything and jumped on this massive plane in order to beat Rafael at cards to win the title “King of Games” which...Yugi had already lost to Rebecca about 2 years ago prior, but don’t tell that to Seto. Or Rebecca.

Also don’t tell Seto that the “King of Games” title originally comes from being possessed by a very emo ghost that has a tendency to set people on fire with Russian whiskey and has nothing to do with whatever shenanigans went down with Pegasus.

Honestly, I like to think that in the modern version of this show, Pegasus threw the “King of Games” line out there as like a corny joke, and when the teenagers started latching onto it like it was real, he was like “Oh what?” and left it alone because he just got his left eye ripped out of his face and was very distracted by the large amount of cultists in his basement that he suddenly needed to let go.

But youknow it’s the end of the world, Kaiba’s company is being bought out by a competitor, one of Dartz’ assassins are trying to kill both him and his brother, but he has to go to California immediately to play Rafael while he has the chance. Not sure how Alister got the tip-off that Kaiba would be flying back to California so quickly, but knowing the Kaibas, they probably jump on a plane several times a week.

I’m just still baffled that Mokuba’s doing this over a cell phone. That he was like “I better call someone.” and instead of calling the Airline or the Coastguard he’s like “I’ll call Roland💗”

I’m pretty sure Roland saw that phone ringing with Mokuba in the callerID and was like “NO NO NO NO NO”

(read more under the cut)

Luckily for Roland, everyone at Kaiba corp has to learn how to fly planes in order to pass the entry exam.

For reals though, that plane just casually bumped off a mountain like it’s in Diddy Kong Racing.

There’s a lot of levels of brother’s saving brothers in this episode. You have Seto who thinks he’s saving Mokuba, but in fact it is Mokuba saving Seto by keeping this plane afloat. And then in reality, you can take another brother step backward and say it was Roland who was saving Mokuba who was saving Seto by giving the phone to that rando, and take even another step backward and say it was this Random Guy who was saving Roland who was saving Mokuba who was saving Seto.

So in reality, no brothers were really able to save eachother, it was actually that one secretary at the desk who screamed “JUST PULL THE LEVER HARDER, I DUNNO” until it worked.

But just remember that the theme of this episode is brothers saving brothers, although Mokuba is too small to really fly this plane, and Seto is too crazy to stop this duel and Roland is not really the secret inept heir of the Kaiba bloodline, and only in my little headcanon.

And also, I just have no idea who that random secretary is.

Anyways, Alister made this thing happen on the field.

Hey guys?

How many guns do you need on a tank?

Like I...

That is a hilarious amount of guns on this tank.

Like every character designer part of me is dying right now. It’s when you’re learning Maya, and you finally figure out the duplicate tool, and you just--you just strap a billion guns on a spaceship. We’ve all done this.

But like...this gunship has a face, and that face has it’s own tiny Oricalchos.

All I’m saying is that Alister is having a hell of a time in his Maya 101 class he takes at the local community college when he’s not busy working for Kaiba Corp Airlines or busy killing people for Dartz. I want to know what grade he got on this project, because in my Maya classes the only people who were this dedicated were building weird ass warships for their games or building intense 3D My Little Pony fanfic.

Here’s a list I can think of from the top of my head of challenges Seto Kaiba either quit or completely failed outright (basically the times Seto has NOPEd out or been forcibly kicked out):

-Joey Wheeler’s many challenges and also Spanish Class (as mentioned above)

-Beating Yugi in a card game

-Not joining Pegasus’ tourney initially so he could go on a vacation.

-We’ll just assume he’s only taken like a bunch of random college classes but only got an honorary degree

-Chess (like he was a Grand Master at one point but wtv, cards exist now)

-Didn’t arrest the Big Five or remove them from his mmo so they freakin died in there.

-Being the actual owner of the Millennium Rod

-Every time Yami tells him that they should be friends

-That whole story line where he was dating a dragon in a past life

-fulfilling that prophecy of killing Yami in the present timeline to end the world

-attempting to blow up his own battle city tournament before it was over because he didn’t win

-Getting all 3 Godcards

-When a possessed Tristan appeared over a mountain top to duel everyone and Seto just went “I’m out” and simply walked away

-Flying a blimp from point A to point B without it setting on fire

-Getting his Dad to build an amusement park

-Just anything to do with Noah

-the existence of magic in general

-every attempt he’s had to rebrand Kaiba Corp as “funtime games inc I swear we don't make tanks anymore, stop looking at all the tanks”

-Seto Kaiba’s entire Destiny storyline this season that he has gone way out of his way to get away from.

And like I’m sure there’s more, but I feel like half of Kaiba’s MO is that he is either Too Good To Bother With This or he has Lost Everything Very Dramatically. Mokuba at least has the right idea, by being one of the few people who has beaten Yugi Muto by peacing out halfway through the duel and stealing all Yugi’s stuff off of Yugi’s side of the table.

Anyway, despite it being like...5 seconds since we saw Roland in a weird cyber room in what I assume was Japan, we now see him with his head pressed against the glass of this helicopter being like “BOYS NO NOT AGAIN WHY”

And youknow, Roland was just trying to do the right thing, but he accidentally made things a million times worse by just showing up.

And so Alister was like “well I better crash the plane now with this gust of green energy that destroys all mechanical equipment.”

Really not sure how Alister was planning to leave this plane after this duel was over. I don’t know if he thinks that far ahead.

this isn’t even a joke I made up, Roland really did run up to the pilot and was like “Just throw down some ladders! That should work!” and it’s like...Do you not see the giant ship covered in a thousand guns right now, Roland?

And then Alister and Seto decide to have a fight about ethics where they’re both pretty wrong.

I mean it’s not the exact line but yes this is basically what Seto said, point blank, and I was like “well...at least he owns it.”

So cards happen, dragons get played (so MANY dragons) and because we had to end this arc, Alister loses the duel as we kind of knew he would.

And then Mokuba, because he knows no other life, sees an asshole older brother in pain and just wants to adopt him.

Enjoy that trauma tossed onto your already megalith sized trauma pile, Mokuba.

Elsewhere, the legendary dragons have started syncing again, which is a weird thing that they can do that none of these guys have any control of.

Mostly it just irritates whoever is holding these cards at the time.

But behold! the glory!

The glory of three tubby dragons wielding a plane!

It’s what Kaiba always wanted but he had absolutely no idea he was doing it. Will anyone tell him that he managed to summon three dragons to fly him around the sky like a mamma bird? No. No one bothers to tell him that his wildest dreams just came true.

FYI There were other stills of more of the dragons and the plane, but I kept pausing on instances where it kinda looked like they were humping the plane so I gave up.

But, at least we all get to meet up, around the smoke coming out the back of this giant plane that now...will just sit here...until someone sues KaibaCorp over it, I guess.

Like a soccermom, now Roland gets to give the whole frenemy crew a ride with...copters or whatever.

I dont’ know how Roland got here, y’all.

This happens a lot with animated shows, youknow, there’s a lot of plot threads, a lot of scenes and episodes that get freelanced out and outsourced, and people who make these shows aren’t working on the whole thing at once, they’re just going off of director notes--so there’s a good chance they had no idea that Roland...just shouldn’t be here.

But it’s OK, I enjoy whenever Roland is panicking in the background. He’s good set dressing.

Seto does not give any more explanation of this corpse.

And then, sprinting as fast as he could out of his copter comes Roland, who does what Roland does best. It’s this moment where you would usually see a parental figure reveal how much they care and adore their little children. But because it’s Roland, and these are the Kaibas, he instead takes this moment to reveal exactly how inept he is at the very last second.

Never change, Roland. I love this massive green haired disappointment.

Anyway, I’m not sure when I’ll get the next update out, since I’ll be knee deep in drawing art I don’t need to draw, but just know I’m not dead. Usually I post fanart or whatever, but all I have is this Dartz I started drawing but he just has so much hair that I don’t think that one will ever get even remotely finished.

But anyway, if you just got here, this is a link to read these from the start.

[peter-parcoeur]

“When you’re gone” - part 2

Summary + Chapter 1

Comment if you like it ♥

Chapter II

It had been two weeks now.

Two entire weeks of a world Tony Stark wasn’t part of anymore and still, Peter wasn’t ready to come out and face the emptiness he had left into his own life. It was just too brutal, too confusing, and too sad.

Ned had come to visit almost every day in hope that, at some point, Peter would consider leaving his bedroom and catch some fresh air. Every single attempt failed as he barely had the force to get out of his room to share a meal with his aunt. Sometimes he would simply watch his meal until it was completely cold. His entire world had collapsed and now it felt like he had no goal left. Even thinking about MJ didn’t bring him a single happy thought, he had simply lost interest in his ordinary life.

“School’s starting tomorrow” May stated as she grabbed a few dirty clothes from his bedroom floor “you should get your stuff ready for the big day!”

“You’re calling this a big day?

-          Last year of high school, this is HUGE.

-          Whatever, I’m not going anyway.”

Peter flinched at the sound of the laundry basket being dropped on the wooden floor. When he looked up, May looked furious.

“Okay that’s it, get up, now!

-          Wow, what’s up with you May?

-          I’ve been patient and I know you’re hurt honey but I won’t let you drop out of school and make stupid decisions like this! So you better get your ass out of this bed or I’ll drag you out of your bedroom so fast you won’t get to use your freaking magic spider sense!”

She was sat by his bed now, pulling at the cover so she could finally look into his eyes.

“What happened is truly awful and we’ll mourn Tony for as long as we get to live… But… Life needs to go on. You’re 17. Do you think he saved you so you could spend your days in bed playing Fall of Duty in your boxers?

-          That’s… Call of Duty actually

-          Whatever! This is a stupid game and you’re smarter than this, Peter.

-          I just don’t know how to do it…

-          One step at a time baby.”

With a tender hand resting on his cheek, she pecked his forehead.

“First step: take a shower, you smell like a rotted dead fish.” She winced, “Happy’s coming over for dinner, he’ll be happy to see you looking fresh.”

“Happy’s been coming a lot lately…

-          He’s been really supportive. Now out! Shower!” she snapped her fingers, grabbed her laundry basket and left the room so she wouldn’t have the conversation she was dreading.

There’s was something therapeutic about long, hot showers and though his heart was still heavier than ever, Peter couldn’t deny he was lucky to have May to kick his ass when he needed her to.

Walking back into his bedroom with a towel wrapped around his hips, Peter could smell his aunt famous’ meatloaf cooking from the kitchen. She was right, life would still go on even if it didn’t seem that appealing without his dear friend in it.

As he looked for a fresh pair of pants and some socks, his eyes were inevitably drawn to a few pictures he had pinned on his wall, right above his desk. Every person he’d ever loved was in there. His parents, his uncle Ben and May on their wedding day, Ned, MJ, Happy… And of course, Tony. His heart sunk into his chest as he grabbed a picture of himself holding a little girl wearing Iron Man’s helmet with her hands wrapped around his neck, recognizing Tony’s daughter, Y/N.

If only he had a chance, Peter would go back to this day just so he would get to hang out with Tony and his family again. To think he wouldn’t get to see his daughter grow into a woman (and probably terrorize any man willing to date her) was heartbreaking, especially when he thought of the way she looked at the funeral. She seemed both devastated and angry with no helmet for her to hide her feelings anymore.

He remembered every detail of the day he had met Y/N, 8 years ago.

 ***

 It was the first time Peter ever stepped into Tony Stark’s actual home. So far, they had met at Stark Industries or in random places all over the world but today, Tony had invited his young apprentice into the intimacy of his Home.

The weather was incredible that day, sunny and warm like a summer afternoon even though it was in the middle of March. Peter didn’t know why he’d been lucky enough to be invited here but he felt extremely thankful for it.

“Hi Peter, please come in” Pepper buzzed him in on the huge monitor in front of the main gate. Of course Tony Stark’s house was surrounded by a thousand of video cameras. After all, he was one of the most powerful man in New-York City, not to mention that he was, well, Iron Man.

Stepping into such a huge mansion wasn’t anodyne for Peter, a kid from Forest Hills. This looked nothing like anything he’d seen back in the Queens.

“He’s down in his workshop if you want to join!” Pepper smiled as she seemed busy with paperwork. She quickly led him towards the elevator, giving him the instructions to enter the basement like he was standing in the heart of the SHIELD’s offices. Everything seemed cool and impressive for an ordinary teenager.

Peter could hear AC/DC blasting from afar as he reached the basement. In front of the big steel doors he found a screen, just like Pepper had told him and as soon as he stood in front of it, a facial scan started.

“Welcome, Peter Parker” – with a click, the main doors opened for him.

“Hi kiddo!” Tony was working on a new armor that looked like a bigger, smarter version of his original Iron Man suit. Peter had always been impressed at how easy Tony made it look when it came to technology. As much of a geek he might be, Peter could never be on that level of perfection.

“New suit?

-          Yeah… Well, we’ll see where this goes, I’ve been thinking.”

Tony always seemed to say this. It’s like he never slept at night because somehow, that’s when his greatest ideas came alive. It was just crazy to think that a man could come up with incredible weapons and crazy armors just over a sleepless night. Would he be given the same amount of time, Peter wouldn’t even get through a school assignment.  

“Your house is incredible, thanks for the invite Mr Stark

-          It’s Tony

-          Alright, Tony.” Peter smiled, genuinely flattered Tony Stark himself would consider him close enough to name it anything but Mr Stark.

-          By the way, not that I wouldn’t have you there randomly but… Someone was dying to meet you and you know me, I aim to please.

-          Really, who!?”

Peter was secretly hoping it would be Nick Fury. He was just as scared as an admirer of the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. He couldn’t wait for the day he would make him an Avenger. To this day, it remained his biggest dream.

“Come on out honey, don’t be shy…” Tony smiled in a way Peter had never seen before.

Clearly, he would never call Nick Fury “honey”, so that dream was off the table for today.

Then a little girl came out, fiddling with her hands and avoiding all eye contact.

“Hi?” Peter smiled at her shyness, “is that Y/N?”

“My one and only” Tony stated proudly.

Tony had told him about his daughter, Y/N and how she had changed his whole life. What didn’t matter before, like getting injured or stepping closer to an inevitable death, mattered now. Happy had even told Peter that becoming a father had made Tony more anxious, more stressed. It was a different dynamic now that he had something to lose. Of course there was Pepper too, but she was hot and smart, she’d find a new husband. Y/N would never find a new dad.

Getting down on one knee, Peter welcomed the little girl as warm as possible. She could sense she was a bit star struck for some reason, but he had always been amazing with kids. She wouldn’t be the exception.

“Hi, I’m Peter!” he beamed, reaching for her hand.

“Oh she knows!” Tony chuckled “she’s not usually that shy, she’s just… impressed.” Tony watched the expression on Peter’s face change immediately “Don’t get too cocky, she just likes you very veeeery much, right honey?”

The little girl nodded then went straight into Peter’s arms for a hug.

“Aw that’s cute!” Peter smiled, holding the little girl against him.

“Yeah well, be careful, her dad’s kind of a psycho!”

Looking closer, Peter could definitely tell she was a Stark. She had her father’s eyes and mischievous smile but sometimes she would give you one of Pepper’s famous cocky look. Everything about her screamed “I’m the result of two geniuses’ love” and he could tell she’d become a smart ass in the future. Secretly, he hoped he’d still be around to see that, only because it would mean Tony would still be his mentor.

           The rest of the day went blissfully. Peter learned more about Y/N and had the privilege to see her “astrology” themed bedroom with a ceiling covered with stars that would shine in the dark, her massive telescope her daddy had built for her 8th birthday and all twelve names of her favorite toys. Out of everything, the cutest thing was the spider-man figurine she kept on her bedside table. There was no denying he was for sure, her favorite super-hero.

When Peter left, Tony grabbed Y/N into his arms for her to wave goodbye to her new friend.

“Daddy? She asked after a while

-          Yes sweetheart?

-          When I grow up, I want to marry spider-man.”

Pepper couldn’t help but laugh at Tony’s face, a perfect mix between the astonishment and the one he’d given her when she had keyed his favorite car “just for fun”.

“That kid will have to kill me first” he joked, walking back into the house as he held the most precious gift life had given him.

Thinking about it, Peter probably wasn’t the worst choice she could make… when she’d turn 30.

***

“Peter???”

Peter realized he must have blacked out for a while when he caught a glimpse of his aunt May and Happy at his doorway. How long had he been dreaming?

“Oh errr, sorry, I was just… thinking… Good to see you Happy!

-          Hi kid, I’d give you a hug but you’re underage and shirtless, so that’s weird!” Happy joked, pointing at Peter’s naked chest.

-          Dinner’s ready, May added, whenever you feel like joining us?

-          I’ll be out in a minute.”

Peter sighed as he pinned the picture back on the wall, wondering if he’d ever get to speak to Y/N again.

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

WhatsApp? Part 2. (Steve Rogers x reader)

Description: You've never been lucky with guys. You just wanted to catch someone's eye, to be loved. One day, that's about to turn completely - with one fake, completely imagined number a guy gave you

A/N: Tagging is opened as much as you like, babes. To ask us the only thing you should do.

Warnings: None really, just Steve and the duo being themselves. Also, other Avengers appear sort of? (I am proud of those guest appearances. Bwehehe.)

Tagging: @missdictatorme

Read other parts here: Part One

So your texting with that mysterious Steve Rogers started.

You had exactly zero ideas who the man is (you sucked history, be honest with yourself and you didn't hear about an Avenger named Steve Rogers either). All you could say that he is really well mannered and nice to you. Which was a nice change and you welcomed it as well? The only thing that didn't escape your concerns was that he never intended to make a move with you.

And that was a serious change since you knew a lot of guys who's goal was simple: get girls into their beds, on their backs, and without panties. Steve wasn't like that at all. His texts during the day were simple and light-hearted as these:

Steve: Good morning, Y/N. How was your night like? Did you sleep well? (This one came at 5 a.m. so Steve had a serious issue with being a morning bird. You couldn't decide if you liked it, because it seemed like Steve's thinking about you, or if you hated it because these ones had the tendencies to wake you up.)

Steve: Enjoy your meal, Y/N. I'm in downtown so I am about to decide what to eat. (Texts like this usually came around 11 a.m. and you thought that it's his own way to remind you of having an actual lunch.)

Steve: Goodnight, Y/N. Sleep tight. I'll text you in the morning. (A text like this always came around 10 p.m. when you were about to go to sleep; Steve picked on your daily schedule really fast. It was a formal yet light-hearted text which always made you smile.)

You tend to control your language, grammar, and spelling way more than before, not wanting to appear dumb in front of the strange man, you didn't use emojis except plain ':)' because you noticed that Steve isn't exactly emoji's man. And words like lol and rofl? Those were forbidden.

This thing lasted for two weeks at least and you always grinned when you find a text from that mysterious Steve. You just sat at your desk, wishing that man bon appetit to his lunch whatever he decided to eat.

"Okay, spill the truth." - Your boss suddenly appeared in front of your desk, freaking the living hell out of your body. She wasn't angry about using a phone at the workplace at all - but you irritated her with your constant grinning. - "What's up? Or WhatsApp is more like it? I larb those puns." - She grinned at herself.

May Parker was the sweetest woman you have ever known. She was an energetic woman, sometimes a bit too much for your liking, funny and relaxed almost 24/7. She loved those weird words which the younglings were saying. Not that you were old, but you sometimes couldn't comprehend what she was saying. You almost couldn't tell that she was really close to her fifties, because of the way she behaved and dressed.

It was really bad with her almost a half year ago. She has lost her husband Ben, such a lovely and polite man, and she was left alone to raise her nephew Peter up.

He was a lovely guy as well. He respected women at all cost, he was funny and he always brought you something to eat. You loved that kid with your whole soul - everyone was suspicious that Peter developed a huge crush on you, but you knew about his feelings for Liz Toomes, a girl from his school. He crushed on her so her much. You awed every time he rambled about Liz that and Liz this.

He maybe admitted he liked you a bit, an itsy-bitsy bit, but he was a small kid and he knew you were way out of his league. You were more like his best friend than a crush.

"Let me guess, Peter said I larb you once and you didn't let go since then, did you?" - You chuckled, trying to make her forget about Steve. But you knew that woman too well. When May started something, she will push you through living hell with her energetic attitude to the finish line.

It was always like that since the first day you two met.

You worked under May ever since you finished your studies. She was leading one department of a local charity and you just loved to help those who needed your help. Everyone always said that having too many women at one workplace can be a living hell - and they were really far away from the truth.

There were only women in your department and you loved it. You celebrated everyone's birthday, every day someone baked something or brought the coffee for everyone. You usually split to groups for lunch, taking your pause for a half an hour and then change the seats with the next group. It was just lovely. And you found your three best friends out there - May, Suzie and Deena. You, Suzie and Deena used to hang out together a lot. Sometimes you took May with you, but most of the times she stayed at home with Pete.

"Don't you dare to bring my focus on Peter. Now tell me," - She sat on your desk, supporting herself with her hand, looking you dead into your eyes. - "Is this the lucky guy you met in the club? Suzie told me by the fridge last Friday."

"Am I even surprised? No, I am not. Suzie would say anything to everyone, isn't that right?" - You yelled to Suzie's desk and earned a loud frick you. (That was another word that Peter brought to your office.) - "It is not that guy. He didn't give me his number." - You rolled your eyes at your endless dumbness. You realized what is about to come - NYPD lead by May Parker.

"So where have you met him?" - May asked with a concerned voice. - "On Tinder? It's nothing wrong. A lot of young people actually met that way. But what if he's an old pedo or a creep? Did he try to make you send some nudes? You know you can call police at him, right?" - May squirmed in a scared voice. She really loved you as her bestie (another word she used too much and which Peter had taught her.) She was genuinely scared for you.

"Does Y/N look like a small child to you, May? Don't you need to see an ophthalmologist? You really need new glasses." - Valerie, another of your mates said in a playful voice as she passed your desk with her swaying hips. She was a lesbian and a really beautiful one. You and Deena hissed and wheezed at that joke.

"Val is right. Just look at Y/N's cleavage. She couldn't look like a small child even if she tried." - Deena said and continued laughing. - "Agreed." - Val said with a sinful wink but you knew that she knows you're not into LGBT activities.

"Alright ladies, stop right there. Let's keep it PG-13." - You said with a smile. You loved these women so much. - "Steve is... A gentleman. A really nice mannered man. And he probably has a dog. We're texting for two weeks in a row and he didn't ask anything nasty at all. So calm down and keep your panties dry, okay?" - You finished and looked at May.

"Well, that thing is behind us. Now tell me, what do you need?" - You smiled at her and took the papers she put in front of you into your palms.

"You remember that charity ball for the Marina?" - She asked. Yeah, the Marina ball to support your soldiers on the sea. It was always something special. It was a fight for your place between the other charities. This event was always held by Tony Stark and it was a really extraordinary evening.

Every time it was centered around different themes and Marinas were on the program this year. (You tried to raise the funds for children with leukemia.) You, as always, attended the night where departments of charities prepared a special program - some chose to do stand up comedy (and those were usually the best), some chose a choreography and others sang a song. There was a lot of things to think about. But it was a rivalry contest after all - every charity tried to raise the biggest money for themselves, or at least for their own name and prestige. It was a fight for your clean shield and for your department's honor.

And May always went over the top with her moral motivational speeches around that time of year. She was like a ball of pure energy which always made you awe but scared as hell.

"How would I not?" - You chuckled at her.

"Stark, or his assistant, signed us up with that choreography. They will be sending some money on the costumes. You are the economic genius in our group so make it work. " - May smiled at you and left.

Then, an hour later, you stopped working for a slight sec and you caught yourself thinking about that Steve. Who was he? You were so curious about him. It was itching your consciousness. You wanted to know more about that man. What did he like to do? What did he liked to eat?

"Hey!" - A sudden yell into your ear almost shot you down from your chair. You almost smashed Peter's angelic cute face with your keyboard. But he dropped a coffee and a piece of cake in front of you, so you slowly let the keyboard down.

"Was that necessary?" - You looked him down when he innocently smiled on the empty chair next to you. He started spinning around subconsciously as he always used to do. - "You will have to give me a heard massage one day. You'll kill me."

"With those tones of caffeine and sugar, he buys you every time he comes here? He surely will. Hey, Petey boy." - Deena smiled at Peter and nudged his hair playfully because she knew how much Pete hates it. He laughed and tried to make his hair look normal again.

"You were out of your mind completely, Y/N. I was grinning at you since I came into the office and you looked through the window. So your death would be your own fault. Anyway... What's up?" - Pete spun at a fast pace, looking at you with his hazelnut eyes. Even this boy noticed? You. Were. Screwed. But it was only better if you tell him yourself - May would be interpreting it as if Steve was a creep or that you're getting married to Steve. There was nothing between that.

"I'm texting with a guy." - You said quietly.

"Okay. Like, friendly or like..." - His cheeks got rosy as he stared you down with that stare. Since Peter got his birds and bees talk, he saw sex within everything. He was a boy in puberty, after all, it was normal.

"Calm your thoughts down, you dirty pig. I can hear them." - You rolled eyes and laughed - "We're casually texting. He's just nice to me, reminding me to eat, wishing me goodnight... You know what I'm talking about. But I think about how I can get to know him better. I would love to."

"That's simple as the sun rotating around the earth, dummydumdum. Just play a question game with him. Five questions each. We played that when I got to high school, to get to know each other better." - Peter said. And he was right - that was a good and a safe idea. He was a smart kid and you knew that. But that wasn't your main concern at that moment.

"You called me dummydumdum? You know what you are? Ultra dummydumdum!" - You exclaimed and heard Val laughing in the back.

----

Y/N: Let's get to know each other. I'm kinda curious about you. :)

That freaked Steve the hell out. Has she realized? She had fourteen days after all. And she surely wasn't dumb or ignorant. Those thoughts have earned him a punch to the nose. He squealed and looked at Natasha's fist.

"Don't you try me with your puppy look, Rogers." - She pointed her finger at him with a warning in her eyes, knowing that this sparring with Steve sucked like hell. - "This punch was well deserved. It's almost afternoon and you're out of your mind. What happened? Some technology attacked you again? Should I kick its ass for you?" - Nat grinned and reminded him of his situation with the smart fridge which somehow shot a whole cube of ice onto his forehead. It was hilarious, at least for her.

"Y/N wants to know me better. I don't know what to do?" - Steve sipped his water and refused to give Nat any munition to support that fridge story.

"Oh. I see. Girl problems. I forgot that you're a boy in puberty." - Natasha rolled her eyes. - "Spill the tea. What did those two say to you and then I'll maybe give my opinion on the situation." - She demanded, braiding her own hair which reminded Steve of the fire.

"Bucky said that it's just a natural process between two people." - Steve started carefully. - "And Sam mentioned something about shagging and that she wants to see the D. I have absolutely no idea what he said. But he laughed like a lunatic so I can finish the context."

Natasha genuinely laughed at that. She didn't like Wilson that much, but he always seemed so dumb it just amused her every time. Everything he said or every advice he gave? Pure comedic pearls centered around sex. Always. It was almost unbelievable.

"Go into it. Don't hold back. Try to risk a little. Live a life, Rogers. If she knows, she knows. She didn't try to make you face the fact she knows, so let it be. And now come to the ring. I can't wait to kick your super-serum ass." - Natasha grinned, leaving him behind.

Steve: I will gladly answer your questions in the evening. I can't right now. Have a lovely day at work. :)

[all-hail-the-witcher]

every book i had to read for english and why i didn't like any of them

i woke up thinking about this and decided to make this post. for context, i went to public school and was on the honors/ap track for english. i am a firm believer that english teachers ruin books for their students inadvertently. this is my experience:

6th grade language arts

we read three books during 6th grade, bridge to terabithia, the cay, and where the red fern grows. and i had to read a wrinkle in time over the summer which i didn't understand like at all so I'm just gonna skip that one honors english was not a thing until 8th grade where i went to middle school so this was a regular english class and i hated it. it was also a double period class for some reason, so i had an hour and a half of language arts every day. 

it took us half the year to read bridge to terabithia. i am not kidding. that book is like maybe 100 pages and it took us a good 4-5 months. this is because our teacher stopped us every time we got to a pice of figurative language and made us analyze it. every. single. piece. i got so bored that i read ahead and then got in trouble for reading ahead. needless to say, i absolutely detested bridge to terabithia and would not touch it to this day if my life depended on it. 

after bridge to terabithia we read the cay. this took us the rest of the year. the cay is a relatively short book as well so i got bored with this one quickly as well. i really dont remember much about the discussions, but i remember a long one about how the cover was “inaccurate,” which, yes, it was but i dont know if a bunch of 11 and 12 year olds need to spend a week debating that. i think i hated it mostly because, again, we read it for 5 months. 

the last three weeks of the school year, our teacher gave us a book and said “here read this before school ends because we have to read three books a year and we only read 2″ (for context, the other language arts class had read about 5-7 books that year and found it insane that we were “still reading bridge to terabithia”) so i read where the red fern grows. all in all it wasn't a bad book, i did kind of enjoy it, but since i was rushed reading it on top of all my other homework and because it was definitely ahead of my reading comprehension level, it wasn't my favorite.

7th grade language arts

now, a bit of a disclaimer here, this was the year that i was in language arts with the guy i had a crush on and one of my close friends at the time. so, i didn't really pay that much attention to begin with. we read quite a few books in this class, but I'm not sure if i remember all of them. again, this was a double period. 

i think the first book we read was freak the mighty. i remember not liking this book because i felt like i was missing something. there was definitely some kind of metaphor or something in there that i was supposed to get but because i was literally twelve i didn't get it and i didn't find the meaning in it. theres nothing more frustrating than reading a book that you dont understand.

after that I'm pretty sure we read the wave. it was explained to us that the wave is supposed to symbolize how the n*zis came to power and all that stuff, and while we all knew this, i dont think we really Understood it. (probably because we were 12). we all kinda saw it as a joke and thought it was funny. i think that if i read it now i would be like. “well shit this is really interesting” but 12 year old me wanted to make fun of it with the rest of my class. 

i think we read seed folks next. this was another book that just went over all of our heads. its about how a garden changes a whole bunch of peoples lives which is like, super interesting. but none of us got it and were like “lol this is stupid” so much so that we actually stopped reading it. like my teacher stopped having us read it.

I'm fairly certain the last book we read was the miracle worker. a lot of us had had to read parts of it before that class so we were all kinda familiar with it already. i vaguely remember some kind of obnoxious class joke about the book that was probably rude. i remember finding it interesting, but there were so many activities we did about the book that i lost interest. 

8th grade honors reading

this class was A Trip. i liked the teacher, but she was a little out there. its unclear whether she got fired or just didn't come back after that year. i had a lot of fun in her class but it was usually because we all bonded over hating the assigned reading.

i dont remember what order we read the books in and i dont remember if this was all of them, but to the best of my recollection this is what we read

we definitely read romeo and juliet. by the time you're in 8th grade, everyone knows the story of romeo and juliet, so it wasn't like that suspenseful or a surprise or anything. but we had to act the reading out. yes we had to act out romeo and juliet. with burger king crowns. and wrapping paper swords. clearly the teacher was trying to have fun with us, and it was fun fun for awhile but it got old. especially when you got participation points taken off your grade if you didn't read for once of the characters (which is massively unfair because not everyone wants to get up in front of a class in a paper crown holding a wrapping paper tube and read in old english when you're 13 but whatever). 

we also definitely read animal farm. it was another book that went right over our heads (or, mine at least). i didn't actually really understand it until i had to read the communist manifesto for ap euro senior year. and our teacher talked in a bad russain accent the entire time? i could barely keep the characters straight, let alone analyze the underlying message and all that. now i might actually like it since I'm a history major and have a decent background on the russian revolution, but at 13? no thanks.

the one book that everyone hated (including the teacher herself) was farewell to manzanar. it was a memoir about a young girl growing up in the japanese internment camps and looking back on her life and stuff like that. the story itself was very interesting and we all learned a lot from it. but the person who wrote it did not know how to write. it was confusing, some chapters made no sense, and none of us generally knew what was going on. we had to finish the book because we were the honors class, but the regular class got to stop after chapter 6. 

i think we only read 4 books that year and the fourth one was the outsiders. this was one of two books that i actually liked the entirely of my public school education. i kinda vibed with it when we were reading it and then i vibes with it more once i got to high school and rediscovered it. it was just a good book, pretty solid, good themes, fantastic. 

9th grade honors english

i absolutely hated this class. hands down the worst teacher i ever had. she was one of those that should have retired 20 years ago but was still teaching for some reason. and she hated kids. legitimately. that was the first time i got a c and it took my parents a long time to realize that it wasn't because of me, it was because the teacher was absolute shit. the only thing that made that class bearable was the fact that my friend was in there and so was this guy that totally like her so he would flirt with her pretty incessantly and it was Hilarious. 

we read so many books that year and i hated all of them. a lot of them were like greek dramas and plays? like we read oedipus rex and julius caesar and antigone. and i hated all of them because the teacher made me hate reading and made it seem like a chore. 

by far the worst was the old man and the sea. i hated that book, hemingway was terrible. i struggled to find any kind of meaning in it and connected all of my responses to the bible because my teacher loved it when people did that.

we read inherit the wind and to kill a mockingbird and all quiet on the western front which were the only books i found remotely interesting. but i still hated them because i knew that we would have to do her reading quizzes which were impossible so it was pointless to read the book anyway. 

and we also read a raisin in the sun. i dont remember what this was even about except that there was some kind of insurance money involved. but by this point we were all really done with our teachers shit and my one friend legitimately said during class “but, ms. [name] if you put a raisin in the sun, doesn't it just get more raisiny?”

10th grade ap english language and composition (american lit)

i loved this class and the teacher but i hated all the assigned reading because we read it for the ap test. everything you read was in the context of having to find themes and shit to write about on the ap. so i didn't really get any of the books for that reason. i think we only read three and they were the scarlet letter, the crucible, and the great gatsby. i kind wish i paid more attention to gatsby and i think i would like it more now but at the time i detested it. we also had to read grapes of wrath over the summer and i hated that. i wanna read books to read them, not to come into school and write essays on them. also the ending was weird and i hated it.

11th grade honors (british lit)

another bad year of english, not quite as bad as freshman year, but still bad. still hated it. i outlined many fics in that class. the teacher did not like me and i did not like her. she also talked in this weird fake almost british but not quite accent that sometimes still haunts my nightmares. she was also one of those backwards feminists who claims they're a feminist but still was sexist in her favorites and the way that she treated people in the class?? after english i had math and my friend (the same girl who said the thing about raisins freshman year) and some others would complain to our math teacher about our english teacher. math was essentially a support group for english where we would discuss answers to reading checks. 

over the summer we read 1984, which, cool concept (esp right now) but i hated knowing that i had to find some kind of deep meaning in it because i was going to have to write an essay on it as soon as i came back to school.

from there i think we read beowulf which was interesting. i dont know if we actually read the whole thing or just excerpts but again, i hated looking for meaning.

we read a tale of two cities which was like the one book i actually wanted to read because i am a huge fan of the shadow hunters book serieses and will and tessa quote that book all the time. i think if i had read it to read it it would have been better but first, dickens is wordy and weird and second i dont really wanna have to search out symbolism while I'm reading because its required.

we read macbeth, which i just didn't like. idk why. i just kinda thought it was stupid. i dont really have an explanation for this one. i think it was because we read it in the old english and that confused me a lot of the time.

and we read jane eyre. the only thing i remember from jane eyre was “pathetic fallacy” which is where the mood of the scene is reflected in the weather. i dont wanna dissect a book like that. and also my teacher referred to the book as “jane” but she said it “jAAYYneeE” which was annoying. 

12th grade ap lit

dear god. this class. i had issues with this class. our teacher was something. everyone was afraid of him. e v e r y o n e. he ran detention and didn't know how to match his clothes and wore skinny ties. he had three swell bottles the he would bring with him to school every day. people claimed he used to be in a rock band and that was why his voice was so high pitched and weird. some said his wife left him, others said he had a kid. we were genuinely confused by him. he didn't teach, he yelled at you for doing things wrong without giving any instructions on how he actually wanted it done. he made college out to be some big scary thing where we would all be trampled. but mostly, he was an existentialist. 

we had to read song of solomon over the summer. i hated it. i didn't hate it because of the messages and all that stuff, no the book itself was good and toni morrison is a great author. i just hated the fact that there was graphic description of incest, necrophilia, or sex at least once every 5-10 pages. i didn't wanna read that. and it turned me off the book. so when he asked us if we liked the book when the year started i said no and i argued with him about it. and he hated me for the entire year. 

next i think we read waiting for godot. which was absolutely terrible. its literally a play where nothing happens. it would have been funny except that i knew i was gonna have to write an essay on it. how do you write an essay on a play where nothing happens? literally all of our discussions about it were about existentialism and it was terrible. 

we read the metamorphosis, which everyone hated cause it could have been written in like 4 sentences. and our teacher thought he was So Clever for assigning it to us. he thought it was the biggest joke. and he went on and on about how its about existentialism and blah blah. the book would have been funny had he not only discussed it in regards to existentialism. 

i think next was hamlet. i would have like hamlet had we not discussed it only through the lens of existentialism. its a good play, but i hated it because of the way he talked about it. even now, i only like it to make fun of the way he liked it. my friend and i send hamlet memes to each other all the time but only cause they remind us of our teacher.

one flew over the cuckoos nest. the second and final book that i actually liked my entirety of school. i dont know why i liked it, but it was just a good book. our teacher also had some kind of weird cowboy trope thing that he thought mcmurphy fell under which i thought was hilarious. the essay i wrote on that book was the only one he wrote “nice job” on and i still have it somewhere

my friend claims that we also read the stranger. i dont really remember what that book was about except some guy shot some people. there was definitely something in it that i didnt get. 

anyway in conclusion required reading ruins books. when i told my creative writing advisor that i out of all the books i read for school i only like the outsiders and one flew over the cuckoos nest she was like “yeah, english teachers really ruin books for students”

[opinuun]

Do you guys remember when this was a studio Ghibli blog and I’d post gifs? 2017 was a good year lol. Anyway. As a child, I never knew I’d thirst for a 2-D otome man, but sadly I’ve stopped. Yes, after two years of obsession, it’s time I retire from the fandom. I’m keeping the blog though. Ran this shit for years, ain’t gonna give up now that my horny-meter has plummeted to an all time record low. Did you guys know blogs don’t have a character limit??

Oh god. I didn’t know this blog would suddenly receive so much attention. Please, I am begging you to not scroll down. It’s endless MysticMessenger posts from two years ago.

Hey, I'm once again: back, you can't possibly have more time than I do. I mean, after all, I made this blog. You're only browsing it. And most people don't even come here. Not even my friends...*sniffle* The just ignore this poor, pathetic little page. All they do is fill out the TAB form and leave. I think. Maybe they're here right now! HI! HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M FINE! THANKS FOR COMING! YES, I'M YELLING! Who am I kidding. This page won't get a single hit, unless I bribe people...now that has possibilities. Okay, fill out the TAB form, so I have proof that you bothered to come here and...uh...I'll...uh...send you a sandwich? Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. I'm bored. I'm gonna go hug a moose. MOOSE! I love-d you moose! Hey, I'm back again! Yea...*waits for applause* okay! Now I want all you loyal fans...*cricket chirps* to go to the link to see what I'm like. I took a whole bunch of personality quizzes and posted them there. I'm an evil villain, kitty and a freakazoid so far. And I only took the quiz once, too. Spooky how accurate they are...anyway, I command you to go! I'm going. I'm back. I'm gonna start counting how many times I say back. Let's see: 1...2...3...4...5! Wow. I must really be desperate for something to do. I now officially have proof that someone has been here! It was one of my friends. Apparently this page really is getting long, because my friend said something to that effect. Maybe. Anyway, moving on! I'm just basically typing nothing. Just like all those reports people have to do. You know? With a specific number of words. They start out with half that number, and then just fill in words until they have the right amount. I salute those people. You're great tradition is being carried out here, on the second most pointless site ever! Well. Maybe eventually some weird, bored person will wander onto my site on accident and be mildly entertained be my site until they wander onto a live video feed of a coffee maker. Or maybe not. I only know that I'm entertaining me, which was my original goal. So. I've done what I've set out to accomplish. Yea, me! I'm so special. You see, most people, they don't like reading or writing. So if you're not most people, you've made it down this far without skipping, skimming or getting the spark notes version. (Which I think does not exist) My point is, if you've bothered to read this, then, (like me) you probley have also read the ketchup bottle so many times that you have it down verbatim. Look verbatim up. It's a word. But, you should know that, since you like reading. Or maybe you're just skimming. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with reading food labels. You might be asked a question about them on a quiz show. And now, for the million-dollar question: How many calories are there in a single serving of Mustard? I can just see it now...It could be called Know-Your-Food. Or You are What you Eat. It'd probley be as popular as those game shows that no one's ever heard of. Speaking of food, what's up with pie? There's strawberry pie, apple, pumpkin and so many others, but there is no grape pie! I know. I'm just as upset about this unfortunate lack of development in the pie division. Think about it. Grapes are used to make jelly, jam, juice and raisins. What makes them undesirable for pie? Would they dry into raisins? Couldn't you just stick some jelly in a piecrust and bake it? It just doesn't make any sense. Another thing that bothers me is organ grinders. You know, the foreign guys with the bellhop hats and the little music thingy and the cute little monkey with the bellhop hat who collects the money? Okay. They're basically begging on the street. How did they ever afford an organ-thingy? Wouldn't it make more sense to get a kazoo, if you're broke? And if they're so poor, what possessed them to buy a monkey? I mean, I don't think I could afford a monkey, and I'm not exactly on the streets. Obviously I at least have a computer...so, back to the organ grinders. I would have sold the monkey and the organ and been able to eat for at least a year. Or, if I was weirder than I am, I could at least kill the monkey with the organ and eat it. Why on earth did they keep the monkey? It must have cost a fortune to feed...not to mention the mess. That's just one of those many facts of life that are better left mysteries. Especially since no one but me would ask the question. I better go. I think I hear a monkey...Okay...now I'm back. That's the sixth time I've said back! I realize that this longest text ever must be very boring and not worth anyone's time. But I'd like to take this time to thank the 2 and 1/2 people in the entire universe who have bothered to read this entire thing. I'm not exactly sure who they are, but: thanks! Right now, my spacebar is malfunctioning...that's not good...I have to press it two or three times just to insert a freaking space. Maybe the evil little faeries with the sharp little teeth have put their evil faerie dust on my computer. Or maybe not. This is too frustrating. Goodbye for now...Now I'm back. And still frustrated. But for a different reason. Today I had the misfortune of playing a Treasure Planet game on neopets.com It was terrible. Apparently the point of the game was to get your character to shout "Whoo-Hoo!" as many times as possible before you splattered your brains on the rocks, all the while listening to a soundtrack that is similar to a dying ceiling fan. Of course, when I started out I accidentally hit the rocks approximately three million times. Halfway though I used my four remaining brain-cells to decide that the game was dumb. So my goal changed from surviving to laughing evilly while my character died. So the game naturally did everything it could to preserve my life. The stupid game is still going on and I refuse to quit because I want my points. My character is actually dodging the stupid rocks better now then when I controlled him. I hate irony. Seeya. Okay. Now I'm back again. Today I added an update page, which is basically a less chaotic, outlined version of this without all the ranting. It's more like techno talk about arrays and how much I suck and whether or not the Braves will win this year. Okay, the whole braves thing is made up. But everything else I've said so far is true. I think. Maybe I should start on a boring disclaimer...Eh-hem. All contents of this site were designed for entertainment purposes only. Any use thereof that is not stated in the above mentioned statement would make the author, hereby referred to as Patron Saint of Paper Clips, very angry. Should you violate the purpose of this site: i.e. become not entertained, the Patron Saint of Paper Clips will be forced to take drastic measures. This is specified in Code: 343 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook. Ooooo…that’s a great idea! I’m gonna start quoting from the Flaming Chicken Handbook! Code: 343 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook states that the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (that’s me) is allowed to cause vague, pain like sensations while the offending person (or alien life form, dog, etc.) isn’t paying attention. Now I have a purpose in life! To make up quotes from the non-existent Flaming Chicken Handbook, which I’m sure you have a copy of. No? Too bad. It’s in the mail, I promise! Now I must take my leave…and remember. Cheese is watching. Okay...I'm back...I think that eventually half of this thing will consist of the word back over and over again...that's just weird. Which fits the motif of the rest of the site. There's even a money back guarantee. Isn’t' that nice? See? Now no one can ever say that I don't take care of my viewers. Especially since I don't have viewers. I have readers. Wait...I really don't even know if anyone bothers to read this. Even if I put it in a less chaotic, more user-friendly format people would still ignore this because it involves: reading. Yes. Sad to admit, but the majority of people would rather read the summary at the back of a book rather than the whole book itself. What has the world come to? It's pathetic. Especially since I'm bothering to write all this. It's not fair! Why can't I have more readers?! All the other internet writers have nothing on me, except they're better at advertising, having a central theme/plot and basically more talented. Whereas I'm more into the whole ranting and raving stage right now. Plus, I am horrible at spelling. Which is bad. Thank the powers that be for spell-check. The single greatest invention of the computer gods. I'm getting bored, so I think I'm done for the day. May your day be shiney! I'm back again! And I feel weird! I found at that yet another one of my friends is reading this. Creepy. Just how much time do they have on their hands. Perhaps their just trying to be nice. I can just see it now...an organization devoted not to feeding the hungry, or peace, or love or whatever, but to giving recognition to all those poor, pathetic, unpopular websites. I wonder what it's name would be. Don't Ignore Sites? Would it be called DIS? Isn't that like a slang term for an insult? Would that be considered poetic justice, or just a nice coincidence? And why do I even care? I'll tell you why. Because I have nothing else to do right now. I could be playing neopets, but ever since my bad experience with Treasure Planet, I don't feel like it. Oh, by the way, I noticed that whenever I use spell-check, my stupid computer turns the word probley into to word problem. To prevent this, I did nothing. So, it is now up to you, the imaginary reader, to decide whether I mean probley or problem...it's almost like a game! But without the bad sound track. And I promise not to force you to live when you would rather die. Moving on, I have nothing else to say, but don't feel like quitting just yet. I'm like the little engine that could. Or maybe the Energizer Bunny. I just keep going, and going and going. Or I could be like that annoying guy on T.V. who keeps asking if you can hear him. If my site manages to last a decade, my readers *snicker* will probley wonder what I'm talking about. My answer is simple. It doesn't matter. I'm just rambling. Which means that it doesn't matter if you understand anything I say. Doesn't that make you feel better? I bet it does. Wow. Look how long this has gotten. I even impress myself. Who would have thought I have this much free time? And I congratulate any reader who has gotten this far. Ooooooo! You must check out the fortunes section of the random stuff page! I've just gotten an idea for some more, original, fortunes...I gotta go!(may the moose be with you) And now I am back. I swear. If iI fill out the fake tab form I'm gonna have to put back as my favorite word...I already have filled it out, though. Would it be cheating to fill it out again? Only if I had multiple personalities. Or would it be cheating if I didn't have multiple personalities? The world may never know. Just like how many licks it takes to get to the bottom of a tootsie pop. Would it vary? The number of licks, I mean. Someone could have super-disolving spit, or watery-spit. Or what if you took big ol' slobbery licks? Does the commercial take that into account? No. It doesn't. And let me tell you, it's an outrage. It deludes all of American's sweet, innocent, candy-loving children into thinking that a cartoon owl is smarter than they are! "Mr. Owl, can you tell us how many licks does it take to get to the bottom of a tootsie pop?" Or whatever. And "Mr. Owl" replies "One...Twoo...Three! Chomp" And he bites it. That teaches our youth that it's okay to agree to help someone, and then ruin their experiment. Well...it's not. I am going to start a protest group. Teens Against Cartoon Owls. We could call ourselves TACO! I love the little tacos, I love them good! That is a direct quote from GIR, co-star and comic-relief on INVADER ZIM. Hmmmm...intersting. I put hyphens in both of his titles...it must be a conspiracy! I gotta go. Those TACO buttons don't make themselves, you know. I'm back again. And not so cheesed off about the whole tootsie roll pop thing. Right now, I have another twenty minutes on the Internet before I'm gonna watch T.V. And I can't think of anything else to do. So, predictably, here I am. It's not like I have anything better to do. Obviously, you know this. After all, look how long this text is. I wonder if I've made the world record? If I did, would I stop this? Why bother asking? I'll will most likely still be adding to this on my death bed. Hmmmmm...has any old, senile person ever written anything? Was it coherent? Did it make more sense that this text? Is it possible to make less sense? Am I enjoying asking retorical questions? Yes. Yes, I am. But I seriously wonder what something written by a senile person would be like. I've heard of poems and stuff written by people who were high, insane or paranoid. But never senile. Can a senile person write? Aren't they regressed to a child-like state? Does it even matter? Is anyone even reading this? Did I resume asking retorical questions? Do you care? Is this eating up time? I feel like I'm playing questions only on whose line is it anway. I probley should have capitalized something, or underlined but I'm feeling lazy...hey, you try to keep your two and a half readers happy! It's really stressfull. Someday, I'm gonna snap and just delete this entire thing. Gee, I hope not! I worked sorta hard on this. It's great for making random topics weave together to form an overall infrastructure of chaos. That made little sense. That's why it's here, and not some critically acclaimed site. Ooooooooooooo! I'm gonna quote from the FLAMING CHICKENS HANDBOOK again! Yep! I bet you were just breathless in anticipation. Okay. Here goes. Code: 472 of the Flaming Chickens Handbook states that this site in no way aknowledges the existance of other, better sites (hereon reffered to as the Losers) The Losers are a myth. The Patron Saint of Paper Clips (me again!) claims no knowledge as to where that particullary nasty rumor started, but confirms that this is the best site ever. It would be a sin against humanity for a better site to exist. Should you refuse to aknowledge the Patron Saint of Paper Clips as the ruler of the Internet, you will be subjected to punishment as stated in Code 343 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook (i.e. Experience vague, pain-like sensations when you're not paying attention) This has been a public service announcement. This is a test, I repeat only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have bought up all the can openers and charged 3 cows and a pig for each one. I repeat, lock all you doors and windows, this is it. I repeat, there is nothing to worry about. Everything is fine. The end is not here. I'm going, you're on you're own! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm back!*smiles brightly* And apparantly delusional! Anyway, I just finished rereading my longest text ever. And I became inspired to talk about nothing. You see, I periodically read the longest text ever to check the constant downward spiral of my sanity. Hmmm...I seem to be entertaining myself though, even while reading what I wrote. Which is why I still go to the Really Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything website. Because I am easily amused and have lots and lots of time on my hands. Maybe, some day far in the future (like next Thursday) I'll print a copy of this insane text. And then go door to door distributing it. Eventually, this would become a monthly tradition. Whole families would gather around their front door, in breathless anticipation while they attempted to barracade me out. I can just see the whole community rising to thwart my attempts to spread love, joy and insane chaos. I probley wouldn't actually print this out (think how much paper it would take!) but if I do, only friends and enemies will receive copies. Hmmmm...maybe my condition is worsening. Or not. I'm still peeved about the cartoon owl from the Tootsie Roll Pop commercials. He is pure evil. TACO will eventually destroy him. Unless he has already been destroyed by an even more radical Anti-Cartoon-Owl group. I hope not. Or, would that be good? I suppose I could let someone else have the glory. After all, I'm not in this line of buisness for the fame, fortune and power. What line of buisness, do you ask? Why, the assasinating annoying cartoon characters buisness. (Actually I just question them untill they spontaneously combust, I ask lots of questions) So, in conclusion, ladies and gentleman of the jury(that's you) I could not have possibly tortured "Mr. Owl" to death. I love owls. Hmm...I seem to be jumping from one subject to another more frequently. Either I am growing more comfortable with my on-line writing, or I am progressivly getting more insane and chaotic. I also am psyco-analyzing myself a lot today...hmmmm...I'm even saying "hmmmmm..." a lot. Just like a real psychologist. Hmmmmmmm. Time for another boring disclaimer!!!!!!! Code: 742 of the Flaming Chickens Handbook states that in no part does the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (That's still me!) actually claim to be mentally ill. That's either a) a publicity stunt b) An attempt at humor c) a cry for help or d) none of the above You can e-mail your responses by conducting a scavenger hunt of this site. Some of the pages of this site contain a link encouging the two and a half people to e-mail the Patron Saint of Paper Clips. There may also be evil little links that are designed to confuse you. These links send stuff to someone named johnjones66@hotmail.com Saint of Paper Clips does not know who this individual is, but sincerly wishes that you send all your hate mail to him. Not that the aformentioned individual claims to have received hate mail (or mail of any kind) via a website link. Thank-you for your time. Remember to send your answers to my sanity quiz to the e-mail account, bigppmegashlong@gmail.com Oh, and once I refer to myself in the first person again, the handbook quote is over. I just thought that I might like to mention that. Oh. You're still here. I figured you rush right on over to e-mail me. Perhaps you don't have time to waste e-mailing me. HA! HA! HA! That's funny!!!! If you you don't have time to waste, what are you doing here?!!! Oh, who am I kidding. I figure that even the people I manage to lure onto my site from neopets don't even bother to come to this particular page. Maybe I should make the link come here directly...Hey! What a good idea! That way I can spread my love, joy and insane chaos to more people! I'm a genius. Gotta go, must lure innocent victems to the second most pointless site ever!!!! I'm back. And really angry, and confused. I've always known that I was weird, that's always been a given. But now I realize that I am considerably more normal than the rest of my family. Today we had a "family outing." Now, most families will go bowling, or putt-putt golfing. They may go to a resteraunt with an arcarde, or the movies or to a theme park. Not my family! No, we got the greatest family outing of all. We got to go to a bar and play pool!!!!!*waits for readers to become insanely jealous* Yep, that's right, a bar with a pool table! Not only did we get world class cuisine (under-cooked hotdogs and over-cooked hamburgers), my little sister (age 10) got taught pool by someone I strongly supect is an ex-convict! Naturally when it was announced that we'd be eating dinner in this place, I could hardly contain my excitment(I glared at my mother and asked why we couldn't go to Pizza Hut) When we arrived, we were promptly served (after thirty minutes) In the meantime, we played a family game of pool(my parents played while my brother and sister and I watched) After two rousing rounds, our food came. The food was superb, (our food came the exact opposite of how we ordered it, and half of the onion rings were missing) Then we joyfully returned to our game(my sister and the ex-con played my mom) We spent hours there (from 5p.m.-7:15p.m.) There were many people that were the same age as me and my siblings (no one in the room but us were under 30) Us kids had to be dragged kicking and screaming from the bar ( I almost fell asleep during the last game I watched) As we left, there was a feeling of goodwill and fellowship between all(my sister locked me out of the car and wouldn't let me in untill I started yelling profanity in her general direction) The high point of the entire night was when my mother gave me $21 for my report card. She promptly borrowed $1 to help with the waitresses tip(This part I'm not being sarcastic about) All in all it was a night I'll remember forever (as the lowest point in "family outing"history, except for that time my mom dragged me to a church thing on the concept of truth.) My brother(age 13) even decided upon a new job he wants when he's old enough to work, a busboy at the bar. We had to tell him that he would probley have to wait untill he was 21.(Absolutly nothing about that statement was sarcastic) As you can see, I love my families outings(Not unless you're blind...or stupid) &#!#%&&!!!(*%$ WHAT THE %$#@ WAS MY MOTHER $#$#%$# THINKING!!!!!!!???? BRINGING $#$$# KIDS IN A BAR!? I know it was her idea, 'cause my dad hates it, too. My mom and my stupid little 10-year old sister loves it, though. *sighs* Why does my life have to be so weird? I'm leaving...now I'm back! And not so pissed at my weird family. Now is the time to mourn the loss of one of my most loyal readers (I think she's read the entire thing one time, which is more than anyone else has done so far) She has been banned from accesing any portion of the Internet, do to reasons that must remain confidental due to security reasons. If I told you, I'd have to kill you and all that stuff. So...now I am down to one and a half readers. Untill such time that I have more. I wonder why anyone would read this? You would have to have several characteristics that I possess. First of all, you'd have to have an extrodinary amount of free time. Second of all, you would have to have the patience to read through all of this. And lastly, you'd have to know where the heck this site is. I admit it. I haven't exactly advertised this site. Nor can I find it on any search engines. Some of my pages have stuff written in to make search engines recognize me, but it doesn't seem to be working. What must I do to rise above obscurity? I tell people I know about this site, but they either ignore this page, or don't even bother coming to the site in the first place. I suppose that is the bane of all authors. To pour your heart and soul into a passage, and have everyone ignore it. *sniffle* Why must this be? Maybe I should just give up. After all, no one would really care if I quit updating this site. But I can't help but think of stuff like the evil over lord list and REALLY REALLY BIG BUTTON THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING. They are not great neccesarily because of the content, (although that helps some) they are great because of their sheer length. You can read a little each day. And almost never finish. Also, I guess I still am trying to get the world record. I have heard some feedback suggesting that I make someway for people to remember where they stopped reading. It can be very confusing, especially if you weren't paying attention in the first place. Well, I dont want to organize this page, in any manner. This is chaos. And insanity. Not neat little text in classifiable rows, in alphabetical order. If you want neat, go to some other site(though, as mentioned in Flaming Chickens Code:472 there is no such thing as a site better than this one). Otherwise, I guess you're stuck with me. Awwwww...I'm touched! You didn't run screaming to another site, thankfull for the chance to escape this insanity. You're still here, which must mean that you'd rather be here than anywhere else! Hey, where are you going?! I thought you were gonna stay here and keep me company?! *drags reader back* See, I knew you'd stay! *gagged reader glares* What's that? I know this is the best site ever, thanks for the compliment! *reader starts inching towards freedom* I better go...I think that I may have a problem brewing. I'm back. And very concerned about this new, younger generation (all 10 year olds who were born in 1992) They are supposed to be the future. Instead they appear to be a nuclear armagedon in the form of a fifth grader. I chanced to have an interview with an informant from this evil generation (my little sister) who will be called Mrs. X for security reasons (no, she's not married, the "Mrs" makes it good as a disguise) I was quizing Mrs. X on Civil War History for an upcoming test in her classroom (whose location can not be devulged) Mrs. X seemed fluent in the subject. Using prior knowledge, I deduced that Mrs. X was full of crap. Out of sheer curiosity, I asked Mrs. X who participated in the Civil War. She immediatly replied "Clara Barton". I clarified, which countries fought in the Civil War. She answered: England, Russia, and (out of sheer desperation) Iraq. I believe that she was just listing countries she knows America has fought against. Now, correct me if I'm wrong...but Iraq? I don't know if Iraq even existed in the Civil War Era! Why on earth would we go have way across the world to fight them when we didn't even really need oil?!! Moving on, I finaly managed to coax my sister (I'm tired of writing Mrs. X) to tentativly guess that America fought in the Civil War. I mean, who'd a thought? America? Fighting in the American Civil War? In a moment of inspiration, I asked her who America fought. Her first guess was enslaved africans. Well, at least she knows that slaves were involved in the war. Before she could start listing all of America's enemies, I gave her a hint. I said "The Union fought..." With a crack, snaple and pop, some random synapses in her brain connected in the right order and she said "CONFEDERACY!!!" I was very proud of her, just as you would be proud of a two-year-old who has just announced: "I WENT POO-POO ON THE POTTY!!!!!" What I mean is, you wouldn't be very proud if the average person said that they just took a dookey on the toilet, and you wouldn't be very proud if they knew who fought against the Union in the Civil War. I confirmed that the Union was Northern and Free, and that the Confederacy was Southern and Slave. We resumed quizzing and she got every question on the worksheet correct. This is because she memorizes the questions. That way, she can pass the test without actually learning anything. You see, if you memorize stuff, you only have to remember that the answer to number 6 is Clara Barton for a week, rather than having to remember that Clara Barton started the Red Cross for the rest of you life. I sincerely appologize if anyone is offended by my view of memorization. I also would like such persons to immediatly leave my site. You don't belong here. You see...knowledge is good. If my sister...uh...Mrs. X were ever asked a question on the Civil War on a quiz show, she'd come up with nothing. With knowledge you can win money and the opportunity to look like a dork on national television. My sister is a big believer in the memorization system. I previous time when I was studying with her (American Revolution, this time) I was trying to help her remember the difference between the Patriots(Patriotic to America) and the Loyalists (Loyal to Britain) She didn't know what the word patriotic meant. I tried to explain. I asked her how you dress on the forth of july (she said nice) I asked what the colors red, white and blue were (pretty). I gave up in exasperation. More recently, I was trying to instill a sense of empathy and niceness in her. I asked her what the golden rule of christianity was. She didn't know. When I pressed her, she confessed she didn't know what chrisianity was. Completly defeated, I told her that it was the religion she practiced every Sunday when she went with her friends to church. This confirmed my suspicion that she only went so that she could have the use of the church's playground equipment. My family also strongly suspects that she stole $20 from the donation thingy. Anyway, that's my rant on the new generation that contains my little sister. When someone of her generation runs for president, I'm gonna do a complete background check. If they're anything like my sister, I'm movin' to Canada. Gotta go...the Russian-Brittish-Iraqi-enslaved-Africans are coming to defeat the Mexicans. I'm back! *there's that darn cricket again* And I have a genuine question to ask all of my loyal readers *cough-cough* Okay, here it is: Is it normal for a non-gender specific sibling to carry around various dead reptiles (snakes, turtles, lizards etc.) Furthormore, is it considered accepted behavior to talk to these dead reptiles, in a cooey, baby talky kind of voice? Finnaly, is it expected for said sibling's non-gender specific parent to encourage such behavior, citing "I was just like that as a child" as an excuse? It's an honest question as I fear that my non-gender specific sibling is weird. Who am I kidding? My entire family is weird. It's just a matter of degree. Hey, by the way. I'm sorry that my last few entries have been only about my various family antics. Although I can't see why you care, because there is a large probability that you do not exist, because I don't think anyone is reading this anymore. How discouraging. People need to make the time to waste time. It's a time honored tradition. Who'd thought that I could use time that many times in only a few sentences? It's been pretty quiet here lately, which is why I haven't added anything to this text in awhile. I know, you were just crushed that nothing new was happening. It's a sad, cold, cruel world out there and you had nothing to relieve the monotony of it. *sniffle* I feel so sorry for you! Next thing you know, you're internet connection will die. Well, too bad! Do you know I never even had a computer untill just a few months ago (that's why I'm obsessivly writing here) So I won't pity you if you're computer dies for unexpected reasons. Time for another quote from the FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK!!! Code: 843 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook states that in no way is the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (guess who?) responsible for any faulty wiring or lack thereof in your computer. The Patron Saint of Paper Clips in no way wishes harm on your computer. Any derogatory statement is simply an opinion of an individual, not of the flaming order of the flaming chickens. Said order will in no way be held responsible for any damages, injuries, loss of life, limb, head, or organs. Okay, quote is done. Maybe I should put quotation marks around them...nah, too much work. But I probably will eventually get around to having a seperate page just for the FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK. That way all the members (what members) can print out a copy of it for themselves (if they didn't get that copy in the mail) I guess I'm done for the day...I know. You want me to stay. It's okay. Because eventually, I'll be back! Seeya! I'm back. And once again suprised. When I was at a TAB poetry thingy (TAB is good TAB is great We love TAB) I met some new people. One of these people (who shall remain nameless untill such time that I have explicit permission to use her name) turned out to be almost as weird as me. As in...she read the ENTIRE Longest Text Ever. The whole thing. So far two whole people (to my knowledge) have read the entire thing, and a few people have skimmed it. That means I really can justify claiming to have two and a half readers! I'm so happy! That means my pointless obsession has actually entertained someone besides me! Perhaps, one day, far in the future, this will actually be a world record and random people will acutally voluntarily read this text every day. Or maybe not. The point is that it is nice to have readers. Or maybe it's not...I mean...won't the quality *snicker* of my work deteriorate if I am no longer writing for the target audience of me? If that happens, then no one will read this. And then I'll be writing for me again. And then the quality will rise. And then people will start reading. And then the quality will go down and the vicious spiral of good and bad will continue untill I either give up this text, or go crazy...er. In any case...I should probably find a topic. Yeah...a topic would be good. Or...I could just continue to write about finding a topic. Ooooo! I know a topic! Ice cream trucks! This has been bothering me for a while. You see...when it's hot, you want something cold to eat. Conviently, ice cream trucks come around during the hottest part of the year (it must be a conspiracy). As you may or may not know, small children swarm the ice cream trucks. The vendors even play whimsical music which I strongly suspect contains subliminal messages to make you hungry for ice cream. The vendors get oodles of cash, and the kids get ice cream. Now, in today's society of buying groceries on-line and getting them delivered, why hasn't any other food industry marketed this ingenius idea to bring the product to the consumer. I can just see Hot Dog, and Pizza trucks roaming the neighbor hoods, selling treats to hungry children...and adults. Of course, said adults would have to peel their butt-cheeks off the couch...but they'd have to do that for the delivary man anyway. The food trucks could even play music that made you hungry for their food. Then the problem with obesity in America would be blamed on evil food truck drivers as opposed to the harmless, benificient television and computer. We could all breath a sigh of relief as parents kept their children inside, away from the evil truck drivers and near the T.V. Gone would be the days when parents told children to play outside, it's a nice day. Parents would buy their children computers, video games and other television neccesities. This, of course would expand the market for such products. This would lead to a better, more stable economy. Food industires would be buying cars, gas and music. Parents would increase the purchase of entertainment items. In return companies would make a profit, pay their workers better. The workers would then be able to afford more entertainment items and the upward spiral would continue, as opposed to the evil downward spiral of my writing. In conclusion, Ladies and Gentlemen...if you implement my idea, there will be peace and prosperity for all. As long as you don't mind a few more couch potatoes. Gotta go...I think I hear a catchy jingle. I'm back...it's been awhile since I've written here. A lot has happened. Like my EVIL school computer deleting my updates page. But it's all good. Especially since I just saw The Matrix: Reloaded. The following text may spoil the movie for you, so WARNING: do no read this unless you have already seen the movie. Okay. What I liked best was the philosophy on choices. (the mindless fight scenes were really cool, too). It's like this. In the beginning of the movie, Neo is having dreams about Trinity's death. Later, The Oracle tells him that he has already decided her fate. Towards the end of the movie, Neo chooses to tell Trinity to stay out of the Matrix, since he saw her die in it. She agrees, but only after seeing how important it is to him. After a horrific chain of events (is it coincidence, or fate) the people who will deactivate the secondary power source of the building Neo is infiltrating, die. So...the plan is going to fail. Unless someone does something, Neo, Morpheus and many others will die. Trinity, who is of course outside of the Matrix, knows this and chooses to enter the Matrix to save the day. The events of Neo's dream unfold. So...when the oracle said that the choice had already been made, she was completely correct. The moment Neo woke from dreams of Trinity's death, he made a choice. He would do everything in his power to keep his dream from becoming reality. So he kept her out of the Matrix, and she saw the problem, and entered the Matrix to fix it. If she had been in the Matrix, she would have likely been with Morpheus, never would have known about the plan's failure, would therefore not have been in the situation that resulted in her death. And the plan would have failed and Neo might have died, along with a large portion of the city (the building was set to blow if there was any intruders) So...Neo's choice to attempt to save Trinity triggered the sequence of events that led to her death. As Neo realizes all of this, through a nearly omniscient Architect of the Matrix, he makes another choice. This choice is simply an extension of his original choice: he will save Trinity at all costs. Neo is told that he has two choices. He can save mankind, and doom Trinity. Or he can try to save Trinity and doom mankind. No guarantee that he'll succeed in saving Trinity. He goes for Trinity, makes it just in time to catch her body, and starts her heart back up. In return for not taking the easy route, he gains a power in the more or less real world. He can deactivate the machines, (squidies) but at great personal cost. The movie ends with him in a coma. Now, you must realize that I have described only one aspect of this movie of all movies. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the sheer coolness of the fight choreography, special effects and the plot. I highly recommend you see the movie yourself. I'm sorry that today's rant isn't random, insane or completely chaotic, but I must right my experience with The Matrix before I forget. I am so buying this movie when it comes out on DVD. I love it! You have to admit its sheer coolness. I mean, come on! It's the sequel to the movie that revolutionized the standard by which we judge special effects. I better stop typing before I have a heart attack...just remember...The Matrix has you...I'm back. And throughly pissed off at my school system in general. You see...they feel that the only way to reward academic achievement...yada-yada-yada...is to force the smart kids to be ushers for Senior Honor Nite, and Graduation. Where is the logic in this? I for one, didn't know about such dire consequences for not deliberatly failing classes. It was bad enough that I was forced to "volunteer" my precious time (i could have worked on this site)...no...I was forced to wear formal attire. My school system is stuck in the past...and formal attire means...a dress...a white dress...(for those you who never bothered to find out...I am indeed female). So...for the first time in about 5 years...I wore a dress...and something that was complelty white. What cruel fate is this? To compound the EVIL situation...I was forced to wear feminine shoes. In other words...they hurt. And they pushed my toes together. Since I have a rather weird phobia of touching my own skin...this made my evening my own personall torture session. I think that such gender-specific torture should be deemed inhumane and abolished from our great society...of flaming chickens. Henceforth...Code: 666 of the Flaming Chickens Handbook states that under no circumstance will the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (guess who) be forced to wear anything other than a t-shirt and preferably black jeans. Should you violate this right, you will become destroyed or possibly dizzy. I'm leaving now...I have some destruction to do. i'm back. from graduation. we had to get there one hour and fifteen minutes early because there was traffic. After standing around a lot...the ceremony started. Lots of people spoke. by the time I had to do my part (tell people where to stand before getting their diploma) it was dark. there were bugs. they liked landing on me. then...i got to go stand while people said a lot of stuff. i couldn't hear it because someone had put the speakers facing the audience. we clapped. the whole time, even during the name-calling, seniors were playing with silly string and beachballs. afterwards...they turned off the lights. there were lots of fireworks. i wandered around for 20 minutes looking for a cell phone. i called home, and waited another hour for my ride...traffic to the school was one way. i felt sorry for my dad. i am tired...but cannot go to sleep. i'll copy and paste this to my site. maybe the longest text ever. you will all suffer as i have suffered when and if you graduate. i cannot feel my feet. i hate dress shoes. I'm back. Today, I'm here to salute the Pointless Signs Of America! The PSOA have been whole-heartedly working for you, and what have you done for them? NOTHING! These so-called "pointless" signs are doing just what they were meant to do: entertain you! You cannot judge them simply because they have no apparant function. They expand your mind, making you think about all the things they could do. They could do anything they wanted to, if they just put their minds to it. If you judged everything by what it doesn't acomplish, then the entire world is populated by pointless beings. Noone can do everything, so how can you expect a SIGN, with the I.Q. of toilet paper, to do everything. You people sicken me. You expect far to much of the inanimate world. The inanimate world, on the otherhand, expects nothing of you. Which is exactly what it gets. If you expect nothing, and get nothing, you feel nothing. If you expect nothing and get something, you're happy. But, if you expect something and get something you feel nothing. And if you expect something and get nothing, you feel cheated. If you're following along, and not completly confused, you'll realize that it is better to be a pessimist than an optomist. Yep that's right. This entry went from saluting the PSOA to making a statement about my ideals. This has been a weird day. You can thank my associate "Meg" she came up with the PSOA acronym. Everyone, clap for "Meg".I gotta go...seeya later! I'm finnaly back! Today, I took a long look at this site, which is the acomplishment of almost a year of work. And I asked myself "How could I have better spent my time?" And so, in the interest of wasting even more time, I made a list. Here we go! Number One: I could have cured cancer. Not that I know anything about medicine...or cancer for that matter. But I'm sure that if I just would have put my mind to it, I could have done it. Number Two: I could helped the earth to find eternal and lasting peace. Which would be boring. So I at least have an excuse for not doing that. Number Three: I could have studied and stuff. Uh...don't think so...Number Four: I could have learned to drive. This would have resulted in the deaths of numerous pedistrians...and I would still probably be wondering around in search of a McDonalds. Number Five: I could have read more books, played more video games and watched more mindless television. Gee...I wish I'd thought of that sooner. Number Six: I could have implemented one of several plans for world domination. Or, as an alternative, I could have ruined several plans for world domination that other people made. Number Seven: I could drive people crazy. Wait...aren't I already doing that? Scratch number seven. And on to: Number Eight: I could have...uhhhh...ummmmm...actually thought up these things before hand. Number Nine: Now it's just getting redundant, isn't it? Number Ten: This is the list that never ends. Yes, it goes on and on my friend. One person, started typing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue typing it forever just because this is the list that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends, some person started typing it not...etc, etc. Okay...I admit it. I have officialy run out of ways I could have better spent my time. I don't think there actually are any. Except for maybe five and six. Now, those have possibilities. However, I am currently content to just sit here and type. For the benefit of you, the reader...who may or may not exist. Either way, I'm continuing to sort of entertain myself. I feel like I should be outraged about some topic or another. I just can't work up the energy to be outraged. Perhaps a nice, soothing mistrust. Yeah. I can work with mistrust. I definitly mistrust lots of stuff. Like organ grinders, and the evil conspiracies. Did you know, that Kodak was part of the conspiracy to assasinate John F. Kennedy. Now, some of you are probably thinking "Gee, Really?", or "Wow, I never knew that!" while others are thinking "Who's John F. Kennedy?" or possibly "Who or What is Kodak". I fervently hope that you're not thinking the last two...especially about Kodak. Kodak, as you may know, is a film developing company. And John F. Kennedy (JFK) was an alien bent on global domination. Or possibly a really good president who wanted to fly to the moon. Either way, he got assasinated. And ever loony in America decided that it was a conspiracy. Some even go so far as to claim that Kodak "changed" the pictures of the assasination to make an assasination in the bushes become a tree's shadow. I didn't know that they had such good technology back then. I have to wonder...why would Kodak do such a thing. Perhaps Kodak is actually a front organization for a shadowy governmental system that controls the entire world and didn't want mankind to obtain the freedom of the stars and so tried to sabotauge the space program even though it didn't work as well as they planned. Or perhaps not. Either way, Kodak is undeniably evil. How can any company that takes so many "wholesome" pictures not be? You can just bet that they look at every one that get's turned in to them, judging blackmail value, and whether or not you could get arrested. It's just sickening, you can't even take a simple photo nowadays. Unless you have a digital camera, which are a symbol of freedom from the old ways and willing enslavement to the new ways. We can only hope that the digital camera manufacturers are kinder masters than the evil Kodak Lords. I better go...I think Kodak is tracing my site....I'm back now! And, once again, I have proof that someone actually took the time (two hours) to read this entire Longest Text Ever! It's amazing, it's incredible, it's unbelievable. But true. Even more incredible, this time it's someone I don't even know! Wooooooo! I feel inspired and happy and other really good emotions and stuff. And so, I'll take a trip down memory lane, to the dark depths of the past, to when I decided to make this page. It was inspired, in part, by my sheer and utter boredom. In school, back before I even owned a computer, I'd type random words for long periods of time, 'cause I had nothing better to do. Once I got this computer, I decided to do something similar on my beloved site. But, it ended up making more sense than I anticipated (scary thought, huh). Oh, well...I tired of nostalgia. Back to the present. Right now, I'm just typing so that no one can say that I've been slacking off. I don't think I have any conspiracy theories...except pop-ups/pop-unders. Have you ever had the evil pop-up that says that if you click here, it'll get rid off all the annoying pop-ups? Isn't that sort of ironic? Could the pop-up blocker people have chosen a better means to advertise their product? It's like grand-theft auto 3's talk show, you know, the one where there are Citizens Raging Against Phones? Or CRAP, for short. And the lady representing them, calls the radio station...on a phone. It's stupid and ironic and just shouldn't exist in a better world. Pop-Up ad's help you get rid of pop-up ads? Insane, chaotic...hmmmmm...I wonder who thought of it? Was it on purpose, or was it just some mistake? It is now my civic duty to discover this ancient mystery, and reveal it to the uncaring world. Or maybe I'll go make a frozen pizza. Yeah. That sounds good, too. Since I'm not particualarly inspired at the moment, I should leave and let you gather what is left of your sanity. I just can't seem to stop, though. Okay...I can do it. I'm leaving. I'm back...and it's several hours later. I've decided to imortalize the stupidity of my dog, Moose. She is a heavy-set Yorkshire Terrior (12 lbs.) In otherwords, she's a small yappy dog who is big for her breed. Today, I met her arch-enemy. An enemy so terrifying that Moose cannot stop shaking. An enemy so hideous that Moose must destroy it at all costs. An enemy so dangerous that Moose fears it above all others. Now you may be wondering what horrible beast is Moose's arch-enemy. And you probably suspect that it is something pathetic. You would be correct in your suspiciousness...for Mooses arch-enemy is...*dramatic drumroll*...a small, white, feather. Now, Moose has seen many feathers, birds even. But none have struck terror in her little moose heart like this particular feather. So...naturally I put her arch-enemy in my pocket and brought it home with me. This action has made her very suspicious of where my loyalties lie. She tracks the feather smell all over the house, and goes crazy whenever I take it out of my pocket. She even got her sister and mother in the spirt of things. Now her sister sounds an alarm whenever she sees the evil feather. Now, you may be wondering what is so terrifying about a small, white, feather. So am I. It doesn't smell funny, (I asked my brother, since I don't have a sense of smell), it seems perfectly ordinary. So, I've decided that Moose works for some secret government organization, and that the feather is the key to the destruction of the world, and I am just blithely letting it enter our home, so that it may furthur its evil plans to destroy the universe. That is the only possible explanation as to why it upsets her so much. Or...maybe it's the feather off of the cartoon owl from the tootsie-roll pop comercials (one...two...three..*crunch*). Whatever the case, I decided that the whole world, (or three of four random people) deserve to know that if the world and or universe are destroyed, it's the evil, little, white, feather's fault. Now I'd better go and torture my Moose with it...:) I am officially back. And you, the potentially non-existant reader gets a once in a lifetime chance to hear me rant and rave about my Horrible, Horrible Family Vacation. I know. You feel very, very honored. It's like this. My mother is a control freak, and she decided on the spur of the moment that we were going north to visit relatives. Later that day, she decided we were NOT going north, we were going south to a beach resort. Still later that day, she got offended at some trivial thing and decided that we weren't going anywhere at all. The very next day, she decided that we were going north, after all. So, we packed everthing up. Before we knew it, we were on the road. The first part of the trip was fairly easy. As in, I was half-asleep, hoping that we'd arrive while I slept. Then, in an inspired move, my brother talked my mother into letting him sit up front. That meant that my mother would be in the back, with me and my younger, eviler sister. Immediatly, my mother started complaining. It was uncomfortable in the back, it was too hot, it was too cold. Then, she accidently woke our three yappy dogs up, and they relized that they were in a car. That meant only one corse of action for them. They started shaking and barked their little heads off. This annoyed my mother further, untill she asked, no, demanded that my father turn the car around so that we could go home. Unfortuantly, we had already driven 337 miles toward our destination. After much argument, my father was going to turn around, untill he realized that my mother was going to drop the dogs and me off, and then turn around and continue north. This seemed slightly unpracticle, so we ended up not taking that 337 mile detour. We eventually reached our destination after 16 hours of virtually non-stop driving. We got there, we ate. We slept. My mother visited relatives. And so the week went by. I got to go to a huge library, and see Terminator 3 at the local theater. That was the high point of the entire trip. The last day, we were deciding where to eat. My mom said that she didn't care. So my dad picked a steak place. My mother tried to order a mushroom-swiss burger...only to discover that the place had no swiss-cheese. So she decided on a salad, only to discover that they didn't have her favorite salad dressing. After much deliberation, she decided that she wouldn't eat. After complaining how hungry she was, and about the poor quality of the resteraunt, she walked out of the resteraunt, instructing the rest of us to "enjoy our meals". And I wonder where my little sister gets her annoyingness. Not that my mother is annoying...just set in her ways. The whole meal thing was about the only interesting thing to happen during the week. On the way home, we had gotten approximatly 4 hours into the trip when my mother predicatably decided that we had to go back and eat at the 50th aniversary of her favorite ice cream place. Needless to say, we ignored her. Oh, and when my sister had to go to the bathroom very badly during a traffic jam, my mother had the good taste to making hissing/water noises to make my sister's problem worse. She claimed that my little sister always did it to her, and she was getting pay-back. Between her bickering with my sister, and obsessivly playing neopets games, I don't know what to do with her. Anyway...that was my family vacation rant. It sucked. No suprise. At least it's over. Sorry if I complained a lot. If you don't like it, start your own longest text ever. Anyway, I promise to go back to my usual routine the next time I rant here. I thought of a topic on the way home, but forgot it. Seeya. I'm back! I know, I took you completly by suprise. You thought you'd gotten rid of me. *cheesy super-hero voice* Well, fear not, random citizen, for I, PSOPC am here! *normal voice* Today I have a very important to discuss with you in this: PERFECTLY NORMAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCMENT. Yes, that's right. It's time to warn you, the viewer...er...reader...about the evils of various stuff. Today's lesson is: subliminal messages . That's right, folks, mass hypnosis via commercials. Now, I'm sure you've at least heard of subliminal messages , right? No? Well...prepare to be enlightened. Subliminal messages are an advertising technique that puts hidden pictures and words into a main image. You don't see them, but your subconsious (dreaming) mind does. Your subconsious mind acts on whatever it is told. What does this mean to you? It means that WAL-MART TV IS EVIL! EVIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!!!! Why else would they invest all that money to show commercials in their own store? Because they put subliminal messages in them, of course! Subliminal messanging also explains the successes of certain fast-food resteraunts, and brand name items. BEWARE YOUR TOASTER OVEN! Okay. That had nothing to do whatsoever with subliminal messages...it's just cool to say. Anyway, only watch wal-mart if you WANT to be subliminaly entertained into purchasing a new set of TUPERWARE, even though your old set is PERFECTLY fine. This has been a public service announcment. Pretty cool, huh? Uh...you don't have to take the subliminal stuff seriously. It's true, and all, but I have no proof about wal-mart, or certain fast food resteraunts. It makes sense, though. Wal-mart TV is evil. You cannot deny it. Seeya...hmmm..I wonder if there's subliminal stuff in my computer...I'm back. And I feel that it's time for a FAKE commercial break, for the highly informed, obviously brain-dead consumer. And now, a word from our non-existant sponsor. Ketchup: The only food that you'll want to eat after traveling to the 5th Dimension. It's been practically proven that Ketchup transforms into a highly intoxicating (non-addictive) delicious substance upon returning from the 5th Dimension. Stock up now with our Valu-Pak to recieve 3-metric tons of Ketchup, all for the low, low price of your brain, since you're obviously not using it anyway. Then, just wait for technology to "catch-up" (get it, catch-up, Ketchup?)so you can travel to the 5th Dimension like our scientists almost did. (Next Commercial) Get ready fo: Faux's new "reality" TV show, "How Low Can We Go?" It's about six contestants who compete to create the worst, least likely "reality" TV show. The winner not only gets the million-dollar prize, they get the chance to produce the show they created. Remember: if the show sucks, it's their fault, not ours!(Next exciting commercial!)And for all the idiots out there: Try new and improved Dum-B-Gon! Dum-B-Gon stimulates brain activity, making you up to 10 times smarter! Not only that, Dum-B-Gon: stimulates weight loss, cures "any" illness, does simple houshold chores, never leaves the toilet seat up and is the perfect gentle companion for your kids. How can you pass up this revolutionary new product? It's yours for only 3 bi-monthly payments of $3.95 ($3,95,000 on days ending in "y")Don't forget, Dum-B-Gon is practically guaranteed!* (*Not a guarantee) (Next commercial)Have you ever wondered why food sometimes goes bad in your fridge, even if you've only had it a few years? It's because of the "evil little faeries with sharp little teeth." These "faeries" sprinkle your food with highly toxic "age dust" and ruin a perfectly good four-year-old meatloaf. How do you stop them? With our patented "spray". Our "spray" kills over 99.9% of "faeries" (which are much to small to see) Our "spray" also kills most disease causing agents, like rats, or pigeons. WARNING: Leave food sit in an open, well-venilated spot for a week before eating. And now, back to our featured presentation. Wasn't that semi-entertaining? I bet you wanna go eat some Ketchup covered Dum-B Gon right now, while watching "reality" TV. Just make sure you "spray" your food first. Pathetic, wasn't it? Oh, well. I was bored, and a dilligent reader suggested I make fake commercials, so...therer they are. Happy? Good. I'm leavin', for now. I'm back. And I'm willing to enlighten you, the potentially you-know-what reader. Today, I was checking out some weird news. At one point, I read an article that stated that it had been proven, conclusivly, that Kansas was flatter than the standard pancake. The researches even used highly advanced technololgy to map the surface of a pancake and compare it to documented geology of Kansas. Some people disagree, the director of the Kansas Geological Survey said "I think this is part of a vast breakfast food conspiracy to denigrate Kansas. It's a cheap shot." So...doesn't that make you want to take Kansas' side (I sincerly appologize if you are from Kansas). It just seems extremly weird (and worthy of mentioning) that this semi-important guy from Kansas believes in a "vast breakfast food conspiracy". Makes you think that the long held belief that Kodak conspired with the JFK assasin(s) is normal. Another article claims that an anitseptic turned a polar bear purple, drawing large crowds of people. I sure hope other zoos won't copy them. Before you know it, we'll have orange alligators, pink tigers and blue lions. School children won't be able to correctly identify the color of a zebra. Random people will think they've gone crazy, after a seemingly innocent visit to the zoo. It's wrong, I tell you. A complete and total degregation of our societies values. What values, you say? The basic moral belief that Polar bears should be WHITE. Unless we spray-painted the snow purple, too. Then it would be okay. As long as the bear blends in, you know? Speaking of animals, there's a cat in California who is a kleptomaniac (likes to steal stuff). He sneaks into neighboring homes, and takes clothing, wrapped christmas presents, and anything he can find. He then leaves them under his owners car. Okay, better leave. I'm back. And I don't really have a topic today. I'm just bored. Sometimes I just do this, you know? Start typing without any idea about what it is I intend to say. Maybe I subconsiously DO know what I'm doing here, but refuse to admit it to myself. Or maybe I am monumentally bored and don't have anything else to do at the moment. Either way, I'm here. You must be pretty bored, too. Otherwise, why on earth (beta, krpto, zkdjf, Planet X, whatever) would you be here? It would make no sense. If you have something better to do, why wouldn't you be doing it right now? I would be. But, maybe that's just the difference between you and me. Yeah. That must be it. Unless you're bored. Then I completly understand. I need to find a topic. Here, topic, topic, topic! Come on, I won't hurt you, I promise! *hides large ax behind back* Come here, topic! Why are you afraid of little ol' me? *sigh* There are no topics anywhere near me. Kinda like me and "Meg" webcomic we are trying to do. It's called Hit-Or-Miss, any topics, plot, etc. are completly accidental and are not the fault/responsibility of the creators. That was sort of a topic, even though it was sort of random. Which is what I do best. Okay, I'm done with that litte commercial. What now...hmmmmm...should I share with you more of my paranoid/delusional conspiracy theories? Or have I been doing that too much lately? Oooooo! I know, I'll start of list of why it's fun/good to be insane/weird! #1You can say or do anything and normal people will agree with you in the hopes that you'll be satisfied, shut up, and go away. Far away. I will show you an example with this completly true stuff that I experienced several years ago. ME: My vicious, psychotic, flesh-eating bunny-rabbit wants to rule the world. RANDOM PERSON: Uh-huh, that's nice. ME: Yeah, but I told her that she'd be a terible ruler. I mean, she traded Asia for a carrot! And she doesn't even LIKE carrots! RANDOM PERSON: You don't say? ME: Yep. She also is the goddess of red jello. RANDOM PERSON: *head explouding from sheer insanity* As you can see, I was a very weird child (this happened in elementary school...uh...except for that head-explouding part). Okay...on to: #2 You can get out of practically anything by saying: a)It's against my religion b)I'm allergic to that. c)I have an extremly irrational fear of that. d)I already did that in a past life and it sucked. e)My psychotic bunny predicted I'd die doing it. Unfortunalty, several of those reasons LEGITAMITLY apply to a certain activity I do every Tuesday, which WILL NOT BE NAMED HERE LEST I GIVE IT POWER OVER ME! I'm allergic to parts of it, have irrational fears about others and I'm pretty sure it's against my Jenny religion...along with eating mashed potatoes, or potatoes of any kind. I'll add that to the FLAMING CHICKENS HANDBOOK. Thou shalt not eat spuds. Hmmmm...time for #3You can obsessive over ANYTHING, and people will think nothing of it. I, personally, am obsessed with, kitties, bunnies, bats, this website, drawing, making intriate little patterns with strings, doing mildly repetitive activities, being weird, apparantly making lists and cheese...and chickens...and flame. Fire is good. Fire is free. Fire is my friend...until it burns me. Then it must die...painfully. And on to:#4You make your friends look normal in comparison. And #5: You can give each of your pets several weird names such as: Ringling-Raison-Bailey-Suzana-Midnight-Schultz, Squirell, Moose, Moose-Moose, Moosey-Moose, Linzey-Moose, Muffin, Squirell-Muffin, Yabby-Doodle, Abby Normal, Wiggle-Baby, Wiggle-Muffin, Witle-Baby, Cheese-Monkey, Muffin-With-Squirell-Juice, Squirell-With-Muffin Juice, Moosey-Juice, Squirell-Monkey, etc. Now, wasn't that a fun list!? Doesn't that just make you proud to be weird? I should make bumber stickers saying that. Proud to be weird. It'd be cool. Anyway, gotta go! *yawn* I'm back. Last night I was super-charged with lots of sugar and not a lot of sleep. I ended up writing things during the time of night when EVERYTHING is hilarious, including the word sheep. To compound things, I wasn't alone, and things just escalated. The following is everything I wrote during that sugar-coated time period. Some are answers to e-mails, the rest are just stuff I wrote.

Definitly. THen we go to library. Guess what? Me and Josh ate lots and lots of sugar, and it's late at nite and everything is funny but we can't laugh 'cause everybody is sleepin' so it's even funnier but ever since we drank the water we sobered up even though we weren't drunk but we ate sugar...lots and lots of sugar. MOstly donut cake. Okay. JOsh says it was only one piece of cake. WE got it at Wal-mart. Or his mom did. OR something. Goodbye..

[saintcanardmoved]

Do you guys remember when this was a studio Ghibli blog and I’d post gifs? 2017 was a good year lol. Anyway. As a child, I never knew I’d thirst for a 2-D otome man, but sadly I’ve stopped. Yes, after two years of obsession, it’s time I retire from the fandom. I’m keeping the blog though. Ran this shit for years, ain’t gonna give up now that my horny-meter has plummeted to an all time record low. Did you guys know blogs don’t have a character limit??

Oh god. I didn’t know this blog would suddenly receive so much attention. Please, I am begging you to not scroll down. It’s endless MysticMessenger posts from two years ago.

Hey, I'm once again: back, you can't possibly have more time than I do. I mean, after all, I made this blog. You're only browsing it. And most people don't even come here. Not even my friends...*sniffle* The just ignore this poor, pathetic little page. All they do is fill out the TAB form and leave. I think. Maybe they're here right now! HI! HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M FINE! THANKS FOR COMING! YES, I'M YELLING! Who am I kidding. This page won't get a single hit, unless I bribe people...now that has possibilities. Okay, fill out the TAB form, so I have proof that you bothered to come here and...uh...I'll...uh...send you a sandwich? Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. I'm bored. I'm gonna go hug a moose. MOOSE! I love-d you moose! Hey, I'm back again! Yea...*waits for applause* okay! Now I want all you loyal fans...*cricket chirps* to go to the link to see what I'm like. I took a whole bunch of personality quizzes and posted them there. I'm an evil villain, kitty and a freakazoid so far. And I only took the quiz once, too. Spooky how accurate they are...anyway, I command you to go! I'm going. I'm back. I'm gonna start counting how many times I say back. Let's see: 1...2...3...4...5! Wow. I must really be desperate for something to do. I now officially have proof that someone has been here! It was one of my friends. Apparently this page really is getting long, because my friend said something to that effect. Maybe. Anyway, moving on! I'm just basically typing nothing. Just like all those reports people have to do. You know? With a specific number of words. They start out with half that number, and then just fill in words until they have the right amount. I salute those people. You're great tradition is being carried out here, on the second most pointless site ever! Well. Maybe eventually some weird, bored person will wander onto my site on accident and be mildly entertained be my site until they wander onto a live video feed of a coffee maker. Or maybe not. I only know that I'm entertaining me, which was my original goal. So. I've done what I've set out to accomplish. Yea, me! I'm so special. You see, most people, they don't like reading or writing. So if you're not most people, you've made it down this far without skipping, skimming or getting the spark notes version. (Which I think does not exist) My point is, if you've bothered to read this, then, (like me) you probley have also read the ketchup bottle so many times that you have it down verbatim. Look verbatim up. It's a word. But, you should know that, since you like reading. Or maybe you're just skimming. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with reading food labels. You might be asked a question about them on a quiz show. And now, for the million-dollar question: How many calories are there in a single serving of Mustard? I can just see it now...It could be called Know-Your-Food. Or You are What you Eat. It'd probley be as popular as those game shows that no one's ever heard of. Speaking of food, what's up with pie? There's strawberry pie, apple, pumpkin and so many others, but there is no grape pie! I know. I'm just as upset about this unfortunate lack of development in the pie division. Think about it. Grapes are used to make jelly, jam, juice and raisins. What makes them undesirable for pie? Would they dry into raisins? Couldn't you just stick some jelly in a piecrust and bake it? It just doesn't make any sense. Another thing that bothers me is organ grinders. You know, the foreign guys with the bellhop hats and the little music thingy and the cute little monkey with the bellhop hat who collects the money? Okay. They're basically begging on the street. How did they ever afford an organ-thingy? Wouldn't it make more sense to get a kazoo, if you're broke? And if they're so poor, what possessed them to buy a monkey? I mean, I don't think I could afford a monkey, and I'm not exactly on the streets. Obviously I at least have a computer...so, back to the organ grinders. I would have sold the monkey and the organ and been able to eat for at least a year. Or, if I was weirder than I am, I could at least kill the monkey with the organ and eat it. Why on earth did they keep the monkey? It must have cost a fortune to feed...not to mention the mess. That's just one of those many facts of life that are better left mysteries. Especially since no one but me would ask the question. I better go. I think I hear a monkey...Okay...now I'm back. That's the sixth time I've said back! I realize that this longest text ever must be very boring and not worth anyone's time. But I'd like to take this time to thank the 2 and 1/2 people in the entire universe who have bothered to read this entire thing. I'm not exactly sure who they are, but: thanks! Right now, my spacebar is malfunctioning...that's not good...I have to press it two or three times just to insert a freaking space. Maybe the evil little faeries with the sharp little teeth have put their evil faerie dust on my computer. Or maybe not. This is too frustrating. Goodbye for now...Now I'm back. And still frustrated. But for a different reason. Today I had the misfortune of playing a Treasure Planet game on neopets.com It was terrible. Apparently the point of the game was to get your character to shout "Whoo-Hoo!" as many times as possible before you splattered your brains on the rocks, all the while listening to a soundtrack that is similar to a dying ceiling fan. Of course, when I started out I accidentally hit the rocks approximately three million times. Halfway though I used my four remaining brain-cells to decide that the game was dumb. So my goal changed from surviving to laughing evilly while my character died. So the game naturally did everything it could to preserve my life. The stupid game is still going on and I refuse to quit because I want my points. My character is actually dodging the stupid rocks better now then when I controlled him. I hate irony. Seeya. Okay. Now I'm back again. Today I added an update page, which is basically a less chaotic, outlined version of this without all the ranting. It's more like techno talk about arrays and how much I suck and whether or not the Braves will win this year. Okay, the whole braves thing is made up. But everything else I've said so far is true. I think. Maybe I should start on a boring disclaimer...Eh-hem. All contents of this site were designed for entertainment purposes only. Any use thereof that is not stated in the above mentioned statement would make the author, hereby referred to as Patron Saint of Paper Clips, very angry. Should you violate the purpose of this site: i.e. become not entertained, the Patron Saint of Paper Clips will be forced to take drastic measures. This is specified in Code: 343 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook. Ooooo…that’s a great idea! I’m gonna start quoting from the Flaming Chicken Handbook! Code: 343 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook states that the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (that’s me) is allowed to cause vague, pain like sensations while the offending person (or alien life form, dog, etc.) isn’t paying attention. Now I have a purpose in life! To make up quotes from the non-existent Flaming Chicken Handbook, which I’m sure you have a copy of. No? Too bad. It’s in the mail, I promise! Now I must take my leave…and remember. Cheese is watching. Okay...I'm back...I think that eventually half of this thing will consist of the word back over and over again...that's just weird. Which fits the motif of the rest of the site. There's even a money back guarantee. Isn’t' that nice? See? Now no one can ever say that I don't take care of my viewers. Especially since I don't have viewers. I have readers. Wait...I really don't even know if anyone bothers to read this. Even if I put it in a less chaotic, more user-friendly format people would still ignore this because it involves: reading. Yes. Sad to admit, but the majority of people would rather read the summary at the back of a book rather than the whole book itself. What has the world come to? It's pathetic. Especially since I'm bothering to write all this. It's not fair! Why can't I have more readers?! All the other internet writers have nothing on me, except they're better at advertising, having a central theme/plot and basically more talented. Whereas I'm more into the whole ranting and raving stage right now. Plus, I am horrible at spelling. Which is bad. Thank the powers that be for spell-check. The single greatest invention of the computer gods. I'm getting bored, so I think I'm done for the day. May your day be shiney! I'm back again! And I feel weird! I found at that yet another one of my friends is reading this. Creepy. Just how much time do they have on their hands. Perhaps their just trying to be nice. I can just see it now...an organization devoted not to feeding the hungry, or peace, or love or whatever, but to giving recognition to all those poor, pathetic, unpopular websites. I wonder what it's name would be. Don't Ignore Sites? Would it be called DIS? Isn't that like a slang term for an insult? Would that be considered poetic justice, or just a nice coincidence? And why do I even care? I'll tell you why. Because I have nothing else to do right now. I could be playing neopets, but ever since my bad experience with Treasure Planet, I don't feel like it. Oh, by the way, I noticed that whenever I use spell-check, my stupid computer turns the word probley into to word problem. To prevent this, I did nothing. So, it is now up to you, the imaginary reader, to decide whether I mean probley or problem...it's almost like a game! But without the bad sound track. And I promise not to force you to live when you would rather die. Moving on, I have nothing else to say, but don't feel like quitting just yet. I'm like the little engine that could. Or maybe the Energizer Bunny. I just keep going, and going and going. Or I could be like that annoying guy on T.V. who keeps asking if you can hear him. If my site manages to last a decade, my readers *snicker* will probley wonder what I'm talking about. My answer is simple. It doesn't matter. I'm just rambling. Which means that it doesn't matter if you understand anything I say. Doesn't that make you feel better? I bet it does. Wow. Look how long this has gotten. I even impress myself. Who would have thought I have this much free time? And I congratulate any reader who has gotten this far. Ooooooo! You must check out the fortunes section of the random stuff page! I've just gotten an idea for some more, original, fortunes...I gotta go!(may the moose be with you) And now I am back. I swear. If iI fill out the fake tab form I'm gonna have to put back as my favorite word...I already have filled it out, though. Would it be cheating to fill it out again? Only if I had multiple personalities. Or would it be cheating if I didn't have multiple personalities? The world may never know. Just like how many licks it takes to get to the bottom of a tootsie pop. Would it vary? The number of licks, I mean. Someone could have super-disolving spit, or watery-spit. Or what if you took big ol' slobbery licks? Does the commercial take that into account? No. It doesn't. And let me tell you, it's an outrage. It deludes all of American's sweet, innocent, candy-loving children into thinking that a cartoon owl is smarter than they are! "Mr. Owl, can you tell us how many licks does it take to get to the bottom of a tootsie pop?" Or whatever. And "Mr. Owl" replies "One...Twoo...Three! Chomp" And he bites it. That teaches our youth that it's okay to agree to help someone, and then ruin their experiment. Well...it's not. I am going to start a protest group. Teens Against Cartoon Owls. We could call ourselves TACO! I love the little tacos, I love them good! That is a direct quote from GIR, co-star and comic-relief on INVADER ZIM. Hmmmm...intersting. I put hyphens in both of his titles...it must be a conspiracy! I gotta go. Those TACO buttons don't make themselves, you know. I'm back again. And not so cheesed off about the whole tootsie roll pop thing. Right now, I have another twenty minutes on the Internet before I'm gonna watch T.V. And I can't think of anything else to do. So, predictably, here I am. It's not like I have anything better to do. Obviously, you know this. After all, look how long this text is. I wonder if I've made the world record? If I did, would I stop this? Why bother asking? I'll will most likely still be adding to this on my death bed. Hmmmmm...has any old, senile person ever written anything? Was it coherent? Did it make more sense that this text? Is it possible to make less sense? Am I enjoying asking retorical questions? Yes. Yes, I am. But I seriously wonder what something written by a senile person would be like. I've heard of poems and stuff written by people who were high, insane or paranoid. But never senile. Can a senile person write? Aren't they regressed to a child-like state? Does it even matter? Is anyone even reading this? Did I resume asking retorical questions? Do you care? Is this eating up time? I feel like I'm playing questions only on whose line is it anway. I probley should have capitalized something, or underlined but I'm feeling lazy...hey, you try to keep your two and a half readers happy! It's really stressfull. Someday, I'm gonna snap and just delete this entire thing. Gee, I hope not! I worked sorta hard on this. It's great for making random topics weave together to form an overall infrastructure of chaos. That made little sense. That's why it's here, and not some critically acclaimed site. Ooooooooooooo! I'm gonna quote from the FLAMING CHICKENS HANDBOOK again! Yep! I bet you were just breathless in anticipation. Okay. Here goes. Code: 472 of the Flaming Chickens Handbook states that this site in no way aknowledges the existance of other, better sites (hereon reffered to as the Losers) The Losers are a myth. The Patron Saint of Paper Clips (me again!) claims no knowledge as to where that particullary nasty rumor started, but confirms that this is the best site ever. It would be a sin against humanity for a better site to exist. Should you refuse to aknowledge the Patron Saint of Paper Clips as the ruler of the Internet, you will be subjected to punishment as stated in Code 343 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook (i.e. Experience vague, pain-like sensations when you're not paying attention) This has been a public service announcement. This is a test, I repeat only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have bought up all the can openers and charged 3 cows and a pig for each one. I repeat, lock all you doors and windows, this is it. I repeat, there is nothing to worry about. Everything is fine. The end is not here. I'm going, you're on you're own! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm back!*smiles brightly* And apparantly delusional! Anyway, I just finished rereading my longest text ever. And I became inspired to talk about nothing. You see, I periodically read the longest text ever to check the constant downward spiral of my sanity. Hmmm...I seem to be entertaining myself though, even while reading what I wrote. Which is why I still go to the Really Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything website. Because I am easily amused and have lots and lots of time on my hands. Maybe, some day far in the future (like next Thursday) I'll print a copy of this insane text. And then go door to door distributing it. Eventually, this would become a monthly tradition. Whole families would gather around their front door, in breathless anticipation while they attempted to barracade me out. I can just see the whole community rising to thwart my attempts to spread love, joy and insane chaos. I probley wouldn't actually print this out (think how much paper it would take!) but if I do, only friends and enemies will receive copies. Hmmmm...maybe my condition is worsening. Or not. I'm still peeved about the cartoon owl from the Tootsie Roll Pop commercials. He is pure evil. TACO will eventually destroy him. Unless he has already been destroyed by an even more radical Anti-Cartoon-Owl group. I hope not. Or, would that be good? I suppose I could let someone else have the glory. After all, I'm not in this line of buisness for the fame, fortune and power. What line of buisness, do you ask? Why, the assasinating annoying cartoon characters buisness. (Actually I just question them untill they spontaneously combust, I ask lots of questions) So, in conclusion, ladies and gentleman of the jury(that's you) I could not have possibly tortured "Mr. Owl" to death. I love owls. Hmm...I seem to be jumping from one subject to another more frequently. Either I am growing more comfortable with my on-line writing, or I am progressivly getting more insane and chaotic. I also am psyco-analyzing myself a lot today...hmmmm...I'm even saying "hmmmmm..." a lot. Just like a real psychologist. Hmmmmmmm. Time for another boring disclaimer!!!!!!! Code: 742 of the Flaming Chickens Handbook states that in no part does the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (That's still me!) actually claim to be mentally ill. That's either a) a publicity stunt b) An attempt at humor c) a cry for help or d) none of the above You can e-mail your responses by conducting a scavenger hunt of this site. Some of the pages of this site contain a link encouging the two and a half people to e-mail the Patron Saint of Paper Clips. There may also be evil little links that are designed to confuse you. These links send stuff to someone named johnjones66@hotmail.com Saint of Paper Clips does not know who this individual is, but sincerly wishes that you send all your hate mail to him. Not that the aformentioned individual claims to have received hate mail (or mail of any kind) via a website link. Thank-you for your time. Remember to send your answers to my sanity quiz to the e-mail account, bigppmegashlong@gmail.com Oh, and once I refer to myself in the first person again, the handbook quote is over. I just thought that I might like to mention that. Oh. You're still here. I figured you rush right on over to e-mail me. Perhaps you don't have time to waste e-mailing me. HA! HA! HA! That's funny!!!! If you you don't have time to waste, what are you doing here?!!! Oh, who am I kidding. I figure that even the people I manage to lure onto my site from neopets don't even bother to come to this particular page. Maybe I should make the link come here directly...Hey! What a good idea! That way I can spread my love, joy and insane chaos to more people! I'm a genius. Gotta go, must lure innocent victems to the second most pointless site ever!!!! I'm back. And really angry, and confused. I've always known that I was weird, that's always been a given. But now I realize that I am considerably more normal than the rest of my family. Today we had a "family outing." Now, most families will go bowling, or putt-putt golfing. They may go to a resteraunt with an arcarde, or the movies or to a theme park. Not my family! No, we got the greatest family outing of all. We got to go to a bar and play pool!!!!!*waits for readers to become insanely jealous* Yep, that's right, a bar with a pool table! Not only did we get world class cuisine (under-cooked hotdogs and over-cooked hamburgers), my little sister (age 10) got taught pool by someone I strongly supect is an ex-convict! Naturally when it was announced that we'd be eating dinner in this place, I could hardly contain my excitment(I glared at my mother and asked why we couldn't go to Pizza Hut) When we arrived, we were promptly served (after thirty minutes) In the meantime, we played a family game of pool(my parents played while my brother and sister and I watched) After two rousing rounds, our food came. The food was superb, (our food came the exact opposite of how we ordered it, and half of the onion rings were missing) Then we joyfully returned to our game(my sister and the ex-con played my mom) We spent hours there (from 5p.m.-7:15p.m.) There were many people that were the same age as me and my siblings (no one in the room but us were under 30) Us kids had to be dragged kicking and screaming from the bar ( I almost fell asleep during the last game I watched) As we left, there was a feeling of goodwill and fellowship between all(my sister locked me out of the car and wouldn't let me in untill I started yelling profanity in her general direction) The high point of the entire night was when my mother gave me $21 for my report card. She promptly borrowed $1 to help with the waitresses tip(This part I'm not being sarcastic about) All in all it was a night I'll remember forever (as the lowest point in "family outing"history, except for that time my mom dragged me to a church thing on the concept of truth.) My brother(age 13) even decided upon a new job he wants when he's old enough to work, a busboy at the bar. We had to tell him that he would probley have to wait untill he was 21.(Absolutly nothing about that statement was sarcastic) As you can see, I love my families outings(Not unless you're blind...or stupid) &#!#%&&!!!(*%$ WHAT THE %$#@ WAS MY MOTHER $#$#%$# THINKING!!!!!!!???? BRINGING $#$$# KIDS IN A BAR!? I know it was her idea, 'cause my dad hates it, too. My mom and my stupid little 10-year old sister loves it, though. *sighs* Why does my life have to be so weird? I'm leaving...now I'm back! And not so pissed at my weird family. Now is the time to mourn the loss of one of my most loyal readers (I think she's read the entire thing one time, which is more than anyone else has done so far) She has been banned from accesing any portion of the Internet, do to reasons that must remain confidental due to security reasons. If I told you, I'd have to kill you and all that stuff. So...now I am down to one and a half readers. Untill such time that I have more. I wonder why anyone would read this? You would have to have several characteristics that I possess. First of all, you'd have to have an extrodinary amount of free time. Second of all, you would have to have the patience to read through all of this. And lastly, you'd have to know where the heck this site is. I admit it. I haven't exactly advertised this site. Nor can I find it on any search engines. Some of my pages have stuff written in to make search engines recognize me, but it doesn't seem to be working. What must I do to rise above obscurity? I tell people I know about this site, but they either ignore this page, or don't even bother coming to the site in the first place. I suppose that is the bane of all authors. To pour your heart and soul into a passage, and have everyone ignore it. *sniffle* Why must this be? Maybe I should just give up. After all, no one would really care if I quit updating this site. But I can't help but think of stuff like the evil over lord list and REALLY REALLY BIG BUTTON THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING. They are not great neccesarily because of the content, (although that helps some) they are great because of their sheer length. You can read a little each day. And almost never finish. Also, I guess I still am trying to get the world record. I have heard some feedback suggesting that I make someway for people to remember where they stopped reading. It can be very confusing, especially if you weren't paying attention in the first place. Well, I dont want to organize this page, in any manner. This is chaos. And insanity. Not neat little text in classifiable rows, in alphabetical order. If you want neat, go to some other site(though, as mentioned in Flaming Chickens Code:472 there is no such thing as a site better than this one). Otherwise, I guess you're stuck with me. Awwwww...I'm touched! You didn't run screaming to another site, thankfull for the chance to escape this insanity. You're still here, which must mean that you'd rather be here than anywhere else! Hey, where are you going?! I thought you were gonna stay here and keep me company?! *drags reader back* See, I knew you'd stay! *gagged reader glares* What's that? I know this is the best site ever, thanks for the compliment! *reader starts inching towards freedom* I better go...I think that I may have a problem brewing. I'm back. And very concerned about this new, younger generation (all 10 year olds who were born in 1992) They are supposed to be the future. Instead they appear to be a nuclear armagedon in the form of a fifth grader. I chanced to have an interview with an informant from this evil generation (my little sister) who will be called Mrs. X for security reasons (no, she's not married, the "Mrs" makes it good as a disguise) I was quizing Mrs. X on Civil War History for an upcoming test in her classroom (whose location can not be devulged) Mrs. X seemed fluent in the subject. Using prior knowledge, I deduced that Mrs. X was full of crap. Out of sheer curiosity, I asked Mrs. X who participated in the Civil War. She immediatly replied "Clara Barton". I clarified, which countries fought in the Civil War. She answered: England, Russia, and (out of sheer desperation) Iraq. I believe that she was just listing countries she knows America has fought against. Now, correct me if I'm wrong...but Iraq? I don't know if Iraq even existed in the Civil War Era! Why on earth would we go have way across the world to fight them when we didn't even really need oil?!! Moving on, I finaly managed to coax my sister (I'm tired of writing Mrs. X) to tentativly guess that America fought in the Civil War. I mean, who'd a thought? America? Fighting in the American Civil War? In a moment of inspiration, I asked her who America fought. Her first guess was enslaved africans. Well, at least she knows that slaves were involved in the war. Before she could start listing all of America's enemies, I gave her a hint. I said "The Union fought..." With a crack, snaple and pop, some random synapses in her brain connected in the right order and she said "CONFEDERACY!!!" I was very proud of her, just as you would be proud of a two-year-old who has just announced: "I WENT POO-POO ON THE POTTY!!!!!" What I mean is, you wouldn't be very proud if the average person said that they just took a dookey on the toilet, and you wouldn't be very proud if they knew who fought against the Union in the Civil War. I confirmed that the Union was Northern and Free, and that the Confederacy was Southern and Slave. We resumed quizzing and she got every question on the worksheet correct. This is because she memorizes the questions. That way, she can pass the test without actually learning anything. You see, if you memorize stuff, you only have to remember that the answer to number 6 is Clara Barton for a week, rather than having to remember that Clara Barton started the Red Cross for the rest of you life. I sincerely appologize if anyone is offended by my view of memorization. I also would like such persons to immediatly leave my site. You don't belong here. You see...knowledge is good. If my sister...uh...Mrs. X were ever asked a question on the Civil War on a quiz show, she'd come up with nothing. With knowledge you can win money and the opportunity to look like a dork on national television. My sister is a big believer in the memorization system. I previous time when I was studying with her (American Revolution, this time) I was trying to help her remember the difference between the Patriots(Patriotic to America) and the Loyalists (Loyal to Britain) She didn't know what the word patriotic meant. I tried to explain. I asked her how you dress on the forth of july (she said nice) I asked what the colors red, white and blue were (pretty). I gave up in exasperation. More recently, I was trying to instill a sense of empathy and niceness in her. I asked her what the golden rule of christianity was. She didn't know. When I pressed her, she confessed she didn't know what chrisianity was. Completly defeated, I told her that it was the religion she practiced every Sunday when she went with her friends to church. This confirmed my suspicion that she only went so that she could have the use of the church's playground equipment. My family also strongly suspects that she stole $20 from the donation thingy. Anyway, that's my rant on the new generation that contains my little sister. When someone of her generation runs for president, I'm gonna do a complete background check. If they're anything like my sister, I'm movin' to Canada. Gotta go...the Russian-Brittish-Iraqi-enslaved-Africans are coming to defeat the Mexicans. I'm back! *there's that darn cricket again* And I have a genuine question to ask all of my loyal readers *cough-cough* Okay, here it is: Is it normal for a non-gender specific sibling to carry around various dead reptiles (snakes, turtles, lizards etc.) Furthormore, is it considered accepted behavior to talk to these dead reptiles, in a cooey, baby talky kind of voice? Finnaly, is it expected for said sibling's non-gender specific parent to encourage such behavior, citing "I was just like that as a child" as an excuse? It's an honest question as I fear that my non-gender specific sibling is weird. Who am I kidding? My entire family is weird. It's just a matter of degree. Hey, by the way. I'm sorry that my last few entries have been only about my various family antics. Although I can't see why you care, because there is a large probability that you do not exist, because I don't think anyone is reading this anymore. How discouraging. People need to make the time to waste time. It's a time honored tradition. Who'd thought that I could use time that many times in only a few sentences? It's been pretty quiet here lately, which is why I haven't added anything to this text in awhile. I know, you were just crushed that nothing new was happening. It's a sad, cold, cruel world out there and you had nothing to relieve the monotony of it. *sniffle* I feel so sorry for you! Next thing you know, you're internet connection will die. Well, too bad! Do you know I never even had a computer untill just a few months ago (that's why I'm obsessivly writing here) So I won't pity you if you're computer dies for unexpected reasons. Time for another quote from the FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK!!! Code: 843 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook states that in no way is the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (guess who?) responsible for any faulty wiring or lack thereof in your computer. The Patron Saint of Paper Clips in no way wishes harm on your computer. Any derogatory statement is simply an opinion of an individual, not of the flaming order of the flaming chickens. Said order will in no way be held responsible for any damages, injuries, loss of life, limb, head, or organs. Okay, quote is done. Maybe I should put quotation marks around them...nah, too much work. But I probably will eventually get around to having a seperate page just for the FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK. That way all the members (what members) can print out a copy of it for themselves (if they didn't get that copy in the mail) I guess I'm done for the day...I know. You want me to stay. It's okay. Because eventually, I'll be back! Seeya! I'm back. And once again suprised. When I was at a TAB poetry thingy (TAB is good TAB is great We love TAB) I met some new people. One of these people (who shall remain nameless untill such time that I have explicit permission to use her name) turned out to be almost as weird as me. As in...she read the ENTIRE Longest Text Ever. The whole thing. So far two whole people (to my knowledge) have read the entire thing, and a few people have skimmed it. That means I really can justify claiming to have two and a half readers! I'm so happy! That means my pointless obsession has actually entertained someone besides me! Perhaps, one day, far in the future, this will actually be a world record and random people will acutally voluntarily read this text every day. Or maybe not. The point is that it is nice to have readers. Or maybe it's not...I mean...won't the quality *snicker* of my work deteriorate if I am no longer writing for the target audience of me? If that happens, then no one will read this. And then I'll be writing for me again. And then the quality will rise. And then people will start reading. And then the quality will go down and the vicious spiral of good and bad will continue untill I either give up this text, or go crazy...er. In any case...I should probably find a topic. Yeah...a topic would be good. Or...I could just continue to write about finding a topic. Ooooo! I know a topic! Ice cream trucks! This has been bothering me for a while. You see...when it's hot, you want something cold to eat. Conviently, ice cream trucks come around during the hottest part of the year (it must be a conspiracy). As you may or may not know, small children swarm the ice cream trucks. The vendors even play whimsical music which I strongly suspect contains subliminal messages to make you hungry for ice cream. The vendors get oodles of cash, and the kids get ice cream. Now, in today's society of buying groceries on-line and getting them delivered, why hasn't any other food industry marketed this ingenius idea to bring the product to the consumer. I can just see Hot Dog, and Pizza trucks roaming the neighbor hoods, selling treats to hungry children...and adults. Of course, said adults would have to peel their butt-cheeks off the couch...but they'd have to do that for the delivary man anyway. The food trucks could even play music that made you hungry for their food. Then the problem with obesity in America would be blamed on evil food truck drivers as opposed to the harmless, benificient television and computer. We could all breath a sigh of relief as parents kept their children inside, away from the evil truck drivers and near the T.V. Gone would be the days when parents told children to play outside, it's a nice day. Parents would buy their children computers, video games and other television neccesities. This, of course would expand the market for such products. This would lead to a better, more stable economy. Food industires would be buying cars, gas and music. Parents would increase the purchase of entertainment items. In return companies would make a profit, pay their workers better. The workers would then be able to afford more entertainment items and the upward spiral would continue, as opposed to the evil downward spiral of my writing. In conclusion, Ladies and Gentlemen...if you implement my idea, there will be peace and prosperity for all. As long as you don't mind a few more couch potatoes. Gotta go...I think I hear a catchy jingle. I'm back...it's been awhile since I've written here. A lot has happened. Like my EVIL school computer deleting my updates page. But it's all good. Especially since I just saw The Matrix: Reloaded. The following text may spoil the movie for you, so WARNING: do no read this unless you have already seen the movie. Okay. What I liked best was the philosophy on choices. (the mindless fight scenes were really cool, too). It's like this. In the beginning of the movie, Neo is having dreams about Trinity's death. Later, The Oracle tells him that he has already decided her fate. Towards the end of the movie, Neo chooses to tell Trinity to stay out of the Matrix, since he saw her die in it. She agrees, but only after seeing how important it is to him. After a horrific chain of events (is it coincidence, or fate) the people who will deactivate the secondary power source of the building Neo is infiltrating, die. So...the plan is going to fail. Unless someone does something, Neo, Morpheus and many others will die. Trinity, who is of course outside of the Matrix, knows this and chooses to enter the Matrix to save the day. The events of Neo's dream unfold. So...when the oracle said that the choice had already been made, she was completely correct. The moment Neo woke from dreams of Trinity's death, he made a choice. He would do everything in his power to keep his dream from becoming reality. So he kept her out of the Matrix, and she saw the problem, and entered the Matrix to fix it. If she had been in the Matrix, she would have likely been with Morpheus, never would have known about the plan's failure, would therefore not have been in the situation that resulted in her death. And the plan would have failed and Neo might have died, along with a large portion of the city (the building was set to blow if there was any intruders) So...Neo's choice to attempt to save Trinity triggered the sequence of events that led to her death. As Neo realizes all of this, through a nearly omniscient Architect of the Matrix, he makes another choice. This choice is simply an extension of his original choice: he will save Trinity at all costs. Neo is told that he has two choices. He can save mankind, and doom Trinity. Or he can try to save Trinity and doom mankind. No guarantee that he'll succeed in saving Trinity. He goes for Trinity, makes it just in time to catch her body, and starts her heart back up. In return for not taking the easy route, he gains a power in the more or less real world. He can deactivate the machines, (squidies) but at great personal cost. The movie ends with him in a coma. Now, you must realize that I have described only one aspect of this movie of all movies. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the sheer coolness of the fight choreography, special effects and the plot. I highly recommend you see the movie yourself. I'm sorry that today's rant isn't random, insane or completely chaotic, but I must right my experience with The Matrix before I forget. I am so buying this movie when it comes out on DVD. I love it! You have to admit its sheer coolness. I mean, come on! It's the sequel to the movie that revolutionized the standard by which we judge special effects. I better stop typing before I have a heart attack...just remember...The Matrix has you...I'm back. And throughly pissed off at my school system in general. You see...they feel that the only way to reward academic achievement...yada-yada-yada...is to force the smart kids to be ushers for Senior Honor Nite, and Graduation. Where is the logic in this? I for one, didn't know about such dire consequences for not deliberatly failing classes. It was bad enough that I was forced to "volunteer" my precious time (i could have worked on this site)...no...I was forced to wear formal attire. My school system is stuck in the past...and formal attire means...a dress...a white dress...(for those you who never bothered to find out...I am indeed female). So...for the first time in about 5 years...I wore a dress...and something that was complelty white. What cruel fate is this? To compound the EVIL situation...I was forced to wear feminine shoes. In other words...they hurt. And they pushed my toes together. Since I have a rather weird phobia of touching my own skin...this made my evening my own personall torture session. I think that such gender-specific torture should be deemed inhumane and abolished from our great society...of flaming chickens. Henceforth...Code: 666 of the Flaming Chickens Handbook states that under no circumstance will the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (guess who) be forced to wear anything other than a t-shirt and preferably black jeans. Should you violate this right, you will become destroyed or possibly dizzy. I'm leaving now...I have some destruction to do. i'm back. from graduation. we had to get there one hour and fifteen minutes early because there was traffic. After standing around a lot...the ceremony started. Lots of people spoke. by the time I had to do my part (tell people where to stand before getting their diploma) it was dark. there were bugs. they liked landing on me. then...i got to go stand while people said a lot of stuff. i couldn't hear it because someone had put the speakers facing the audience. we clapped. the whole time, even during the name-calling, seniors were playing with silly string and beachballs. afterwards...they turned off the lights. there were lots of fireworks. i wandered around for 20 minutes looking for a cell phone. i called home, and waited another hour for my ride...traffic to the school was one way. i felt sorry for my dad. i am tired...but cannot go to sleep. i'll copy and paste this to my site. maybe the longest text ever. you will all suffer as i have suffered when and if you graduate. i cannot feel my feet. i hate dress shoes. I'm back. Today, I'm here to salute the Pointless Signs Of America! The PSOA have been whole-heartedly working for you, and what have you done for them? NOTHING! These so-called "pointless" signs are doing just what they were meant to do: entertain you! You cannot judge them simply because they have no apparant function. They expand your mind, making you think about all the things they could do. They could do anything they wanted to, if they just put their minds to it. If you judged everything by what it doesn't acomplish, then the entire world is populated by pointless beings. Noone can do everything, so how can you expect a SIGN, with the I.Q. of toilet paper, to do everything. You people sicken me. You expect far to much of the inanimate world. The inanimate world, on the otherhand, expects nothing of you. Which is exactly what it gets. If you expect nothing, and get nothing, you feel nothing. If you expect nothing and get something, you're happy. But, if you expect something and get something you feel nothing. And if you expect something and get nothing, you feel cheated. If you're following along, and not completly confused, you'll realize that it is better to be a pessimist than an optomist. Yep that's right. This entry went from saluting the PSOA to making a statement about my ideals. This has been a weird day. You can thank my associate "Meg" she came up with the PSOA acronym. Everyone, clap for "Meg".I gotta go...seeya later! I'm finnaly back! Today, I took a long look at this site, which is the acomplishment of almost a year of work. And I asked myself "How could I have better spent my time?" And so, in the interest of wasting even more time, I made a list. Here we go! Number One: I could have cured cancer. Not that I know anything about medicine...or cancer for that matter. But I'm sure that if I just would have put my mind to it, I could have done it. Number Two: I could helped the earth to find eternal and lasting peace. Which would be boring. So I at least have an excuse for not doing that. Number Three: I could have studied and stuff. Uh...don't think so...Number Four: I could have learned to drive. This would have resulted in the deaths of numerous pedistrians...and I would still probably be wondering around in search of a McDonalds. Number Five: I could have read more books, played more video games and watched more mindless television. Gee...I wish I'd thought of that sooner. Number Six: I could have implemented one of several plans for world domination. Or, as an alternative, I could have ruined several plans for world domination that other people made. Number Seven: I could drive people crazy. Wait...aren't I already doing that? Scratch number seven. And on to: Number Eight: I could have...uhhhh...ummmmm...actually thought up these things before hand. Number Nine: Now it's just getting redundant, isn't it? Number Ten: This is the list that never ends. Yes, it goes on and on my friend. One person, started typing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue typing it forever just because this is the list that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends, some person started typing it not...etc, etc. Okay...I admit it. I have officialy run out of ways I could have better spent my time. I don't think there actually are any. Except for maybe five and six. Now, those have possibilities. However, I am currently content to just sit here and type. For the benefit of you, the reader...who may or may not exist. Either way, I'm continuing to sort of entertain myself. I feel like I should be outraged about some topic or another. I just can't work up the energy to be outraged. Perhaps a nice, soothing mistrust. Yeah. I can work with mistrust. I definitly mistrust lots of stuff. Like organ grinders, and the evil conspiracies. Did you know, that Kodak was part of the conspiracy to assasinate John F. Kennedy. Now, some of you are probably thinking "Gee, Really?", or "Wow, I never knew that!" while others are thinking "Who's John F. Kennedy?" or possibly "Who or What is Kodak". I fervently hope that you're not thinking the last two...especially about Kodak. Kodak, as you may know, is a film developing company. And John F. Kennedy (JFK) was an alien bent on global domination. Or possibly a really good president who wanted to fly to the moon. Either way, he got assasinated. And ever loony in America decided that it was a conspiracy. Some even go so far as to claim that Kodak "changed" the pictures of the assasination to make an assasination in the bushes become a tree's shadow. I didn't know that they had such good technology back then. I have to wonder...why would Kodak do such a thing. Perhaps Kodak is actually a front organization for a shadowy governmental system that controls the entire world and didn't want mankind to obtain the freedom of the stars and so tried to sabotauge the space program even though it didn't work as well as they planned. Or perhaps not. Either way, Kodak is undeniably evil. How can any company that takes so many "wholesome" pictures not be? You can just bet that they look at every one that get's turned in to them, judging blackmail value, and whether or not you could get arrested. It's just sickening, you can't even take a simple photo nowadays. Unless you have a digital camera, which are a symbol of freedom from the old ways and willing enslavement to the new ways. We can only hope that the digital camera manufacturers are kinder masters than the evil Kodak Lords. I better go...I think Kodak is tracing my site....I'm back now! And, once again, I have proof that someone actually took the time (two hours) to read this entire Longest Text Ever! It's amazing, it's incredible, it's unbelievable. But true. Even more incredible, this time it's someone I don't even know! Wooooooo! I feel inspired and happy and other really good emotions and stuff. And so, I'll take a trip down memory lane, to the dark depths of the past, to when I decided to make this page. It was inspired, in part, by my sheer and utter boredom. In school, back before I even owned a computer, I'd type random words for long periods of time, 'cause I had nothing better to do. Once I got this computer, I decided to do something similar on my beloved site. But, it ended up making more sense than I anticipated (scary thought, huh). Oh, well...I tired of nostalgia. Back to the present. Right now, I'm just typing so that no one can say that I've been slacking off. I don't think I have any conspiracy theories...except pop-ups/pop-unders. Have you ever had the evil pop-up that says that if you click here, it'll get rid off all the annoying pop-ups? Isn't that sort of ironic? Could the pop-up blocker people have chosen a better means to advertise their product? It's like grand-theft auto 3's talk show, you know, the one where there are Citizens Raging Against Phones? Or CRAP, for short. And the lady representing them, calls the radio station...on a phone. It's stupid and ironic and just shouldn't exist in a better world. Pop-Up ad's help you get rid of pop-up ads? Insane, chaotic...hmmmmm...I wonder who thought of it? Was it on purpose, or was it just some mistake? It is now my civic duty to discover this ancient mystery, and reveal it to the uncaring world. Or maybe I'll go make a frozen pizza. Yeah. That sounds good, too. Since I'm not particualarly inspired at the moment, I should leave and let you gather what is left of your sanity. I just can't seem to stop, though. Okay...I can do it. I'm leaving. I'm back...and it's several hours later. I've decided to imortalize the stupidity of my dog, Moose. She is a heavy-set Yorkshire Terrior (12 lbs.) In otherwords, she's a small yappy dog who is big for her breed. Today, I met her arch-enemy. An enemy so terrifying that Moose cannot stop shaking. An enemy so hideous that Moose must destroy it at all costs. An enemy so dangerous that Moose fears it above all others. Now you may be wondering what horrible beast is Moose's arch-enemy. And you probably suspect that it is something pathetic. You would be correct in your suspiciousness...for Mooses arch-enemy is...*dramatic drumroll*...a small, white, feather. Now, Moose has seen many feathers, birds even. But none have struck terror in her little moose heart like this particular feather. So...naturally I put her arch-enemy in my pocket and brought it home with me. This action has made her very suspicious of where my loyalties lie. She tracks the feather smell all over the house, and goes crazy whenever I take it out of my pocket. She even got her sister and mother in the spirt of things. Now her sister sounds an alarm whenever she sees the evil feather. Now, you may be wondering what is so terrifying about a small, white, feather. So am I. It doesn't smell funny, (I asked my brother, since I don't have a sense of smell), it seems perfectly ordinary. So, I've decided that Moose works for some secret government organization, and that the feather is the key to the destruction of the world, and I am just blithely letting it enter our home, so that it may furthur its evil plans to destroy the universe. That is the only possible explanation as to why it upsets her so much. Or...maybe it's the feather off of the cartoon owl from the tootsie-roll pop comercials (one...two...three..*crunch*). Whatever the case, I decided that the whole world, (or three of four random people) deserve to know that if the world and or universe are destroyed, it's the evil, little, white, feather's fault. Now I'd better go and torture my Moose with it...:) I am officially back. And you, the potentially non-existant reader gets a once in a lifetime chance to hear me rant and rave about my Horrible, Horrible Family Vacation. I know. You feel very, very honored. It's like this. My mother is a control freak, and she decided on the spur of the moment that we were going north to visit relatives. Later that day, she decided we were NOT going north, we were going south to a beach resort. Still later that day, she got offended at some trivial thing and decided that we weren't going anywhere at all. The very next day, she decided that we were going north, after all. So, we packed everthing up. Before we knew it, we were on the road. The first part of the trip was fairly easy. As in, I was half-asleep, hoping that we'd arrive while I slept. Then, in an inspired move, my brother talked my mother into letting him sit up front. That meant that my mother would be in the back, with me and my younger, eviler sister. Immediatly, my mother started complaining. It was uncomfortable in the back, it was too hot, it was too cold. Then, she accidently woke our three yappy dogs up, and they relized that they were in a car. That meant only one corse of action for them. They started shaking and barked their little heads off. This annoyed my mother further, untill she asked, no, demanded that my father turn the car around so that we could go home. Unfortuantly, we had already driven 337 miles toward our destination. After much argument, my father was going to turn around, untill he realized that my mother was going to drop the dogs and me off, and then turn around and continue north. This seemed slightly unpracticle, so we ended up not taking that 337 mile detour. We eventually reached our destination after 16 hours of virtually non-stop driving. We got there, we ate. We slept. My mother visited relatives. And so the week went by. I got to go to a huge library, and see Terminator 3 at the local theater. That was the high point of the entire trip. The last day, we were deciding where to eat. My mom said that she didn't care. So my dad picked a steak place. My mother tried to order a mushroom-swiss burger...only to discover that the place had no swiss-cheese. So she decided on a salad, only to discover that they didn't have her favorite salad dressing. After much deliberation, she decided that she wouldn't eat. After complaining how hungry she was, and about the poor quality of the resteraunt, she walked out of the resteraunt, instructing the rest of us to "enjoy our meals". And I wonder where my little sister gets her annoyingness. Not that my mother is annoying...just set in her ways. The whole meal thing was about the only interesting thing to happen during the week. On the way home, we had gotten approximatly 4 hours into the trip when my mother predicatably decided that we had to go back and eat at the 50th aniversary of her favorite ice cream place. Needless to say, we ignored her. Oh, and when my sister had to go to the bathroom very badly during a traffic jam, my mother had the good taste to making hissing/water noises to make my sister's problem worse. She claimed that my little sister always did it to her, and she was getting pay-back. Between her bickering with my sister, and obsessivly playing neopets games, I don't know what to do with her. Anyway...that was my family vacation rant. It sucked. No suprise. At least it's over. Sorry if I complained a lot. If you don't like it, start your own longest text ever. Anyway, I promise to go back to my usual routine the next time I rant here. I thought of a topic on the way home, but forgot it. Seeya. I'm back! I know, I took you completly by suprise. You thought you'd gotten rid of me. *cheesy super-hero voice* Well, fear not, random citizen, for I, PSOPC am here! *normal voice* Today I have a very important to discuss with you in this: PERFECTLY NORMAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCMENT. Yes, that's right. It's time to warn you, the viewer...er...reader...about the evils of various stuff. Today's lesson is: subliminal messages . That's right, folks, mass hypnosis via commercials. Now, I'm sure you've at least heard of subliminal messages , right? No? Well...prepare to be enlightened. Subliminal messages are an advertising technique that puts hidden pictures and words into a main image. You don't see them, but your subconsious (dreaming) mind does. Your subconsious mind acts on whatever it is told. What does this mean to you? It means that WAL-MART TV IS EVIL! EVIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!!!!! Why else would they invest all that money to show commercials in their own store? Because they put subliminal messages in them, of course! Subliminal messanging also explains the successes of certain fast-food resteraunts, and brand name items. BEWARE YOUR TOASTER OVEN! Okay. That had nothing to do whatsoever with subliminal messages...it's just cool to say. Anyway, only watch wal-mart if you WANT to be subliminaly entertained into purchasing a new set of TUPERWARE, even though your old set is PERFECTLY fine. This has been a public service announcment. Pretty cool, huh? Uh...you don't have to take the subliminal stuff seriously. It's true, and all, but I have no proof about wal-mart, or certain fast food resteraunts. It makes sense, though. Wal-mart TV is evil. You cannot deny it. Seeya...hmmm..I wonder if there's subliminal stuff in my computer...I'm back. And I feel that it's time for a FAKE commercial break, for the highly informed, obviously brain-dead consumer. And now, a word from our non-existant sponsor. Ketchup: The only food that you'll want to eat after traveling to the 5th Dimension. It's been practically proven that Ketchup transforms into a highly intoxicating (non-addictive) delicious substance upon returning from the 5th Dimension. Stock up now with our Valu-Pak to recieve 3-metric tons of Ketchup, all for the low, low price of your brain, since you're obviously not using it anyway. Then, just wait for technology to "catch-up" (get it, catch-up, Ketchup?)so you can travel to the 5th Dimension like our scientists almost did. (Next Commercial) Get ready fo: Faux's new "reality" TV show, "How Low Can We Go?" It's about six contestants who compete to create the worst, least likely "reality" TV show. The winner not only gets the million-dollar prize, they get the chance to produce the show they created. Remember: if the show sucks, it's their fault, not ours!(Next exciting commercial!)And for all the idiots out there: Try new and improved Dum-B-Gon! Dum-B-Gon stimulates brain activity, making you up to 10 times smarter! Not only that, Dum-B-Gon: stimulates weight loss, cures "any" illness, does simple houshold chores, never leaves the toilet seat up and is the perfect gentle companion for your kids. How can you pass up this revolutionary new product? It's yours for only 3 bi-monthly payments of $3.95 ($3,95,000 on days ending in "y")Don't forget, Dum-B-Gon is practically guaranteed!* (*Not a guarantee) (Next commercial)Have you ever wondered why food sometimes goes bad in your fridge, even if you've only had it a few years? It's because of the "evil little faeries with sharp little teeth." These "faeries" sprinkle your food with highly toxic "age dust" and ruin a perfectly good four-year-old meatloaf. How do you stop them? With our patented "spray". Our "spray" kills over 99.9% of "faeries" (which are much to small to see) Our "spray" also kills most disease causing agents, like rats, or pigeons. WARNING: Leave food sit in an open, well-venilated spot for a week before eating. And now, back to our featured presentation. Wasn't that semi-entertaining? I bet you wanna go eat some Ketchup covered Dum-B Gon right now, while watching "reality" TV. Just make sure you "spray" your food first. Pathetic, wasn't it? Oh, well. I was bored, and a dilligent reader suggested I make fake commercials, so...therer they are. Happy? Good. I'm leavin', for now. I'm back. And I'm willing to enlighten you, the potentially you-know-what reader. Today, I was checking out some weird news. At one point, I read an article that stated that it had been proven, conclusivly, that Kansas was flatter than the standard pancake. The researches even used highly advanced technololgy to map the surface of a pancake and compare it to documented geology of Kansas. Some people disagree, the director of the Kansas Geological Survey said "I think this is part of a vast breakfast food conspiracy to denigrate Kansas. It's a cheap shot." So...doesn't that make you want to take Kansas' side (I sincerly appologize if you are from Kansas). It just seems extremly weird (and worthy of mentioning) that this semi-important guy from Kansas believes in a "vast breakfast food conspiracy". Makes you think that the long held belief that Kodak conspired with the JFK assasin(s) is normal. Another article claims that an anitseptic turned a polar bear purple, drawing large crowds of people. I sure hope other zoos won't copy them. Before you know it, we'll have orange alligators, pink tigers and blue lions. School children won't be able to correctly identify the color of a zebra. Random people will think they've gone crazy, after a seemingly innocent visit to the zoo. It's wrong, I tell you. A complete and total degregation of our societies values. What values, you say? The basic moral belief that Polar bears should be WHITE. Unless we spray-painted the snow purple, too. Then it would be okay. As long as the bear blends in, you know? Speaking of animals, there's a cat in California who is a kleptomaniac (likes to steal stuff). He sneaks into neighboring homes, and takes clothing, wrapped christmas presents, and anything he can find. He then leaves them under his owners car. Okay, better leave. I'm back. And I don't really have a topic today. I'm just bored. Sometimes I just do this, you know? Start typing without any idea about what it is I intend to say. Maybe I subconsiously DO know what I'm doing here, but refuse to admit it to myself. Or maybe I am monumentally bored and don't have anything else to do at the moment. Either way, I'm here. You must be pretty bored, too. Otherwise, why on earth (beta, krpto, zkdjf, Planet X, whatever) would you be here? It would make no sense. If you have something better to do, why wouldn't you be doing it right now? I would be. But, maybe that's just the difference between you and me. Yeah. That must be it. Unless you're bored. Then I completly understand. I need to find a topic. Here, topic, topic, topic! Come on, I won't hurt you, I promise! *hides large ax behind back* Come here, topic! Why are you afraid of little ol' me? *sigh* There are no topics anywhere near me. Kinda like me and "Meg" webcomic we are trying to do. It's called Hit-Or-Miss, any topics, plot, etc. are completly accidental and are not the fault/responsibility of the creators. That was sort of a topic, even though it was sort of random. Which is what I do best. Okay, I'm done with that litte commercial. What now...hmmmmm...should I share with you more of my paranoid/delusional conspiracy theories? Or have I been doing that too much lately? Oooooo! I know, I'll start of list of why it's fun/good to be insane/weird! #1You can say or do anything and normal people will agree with you in the hopes that you'll be satisfied, shut up, and go away. Far away. I will show you an example with this completly true stuff that I experienced several years ago. ME: My vicious, psychotic, flesh-eating bunny-rabbit wants to rule the world. RANDOM PERSON: Uh-huh, that's nice. ME: Yeah, but I told her that she'd be a terible ruler. I mean, she traded Asia for a carrot! And she doesn't even LIKE carrots! RANDOM PERSON: You don't say? ME: Yep. She also is the goddess of red jello. RANDOM PERSON: *head explouding from sheer insanity* As you can see, I was a very weird child (this happened in elementary school...uh...except for that head-explouding part). Okay...on to: #2 You can get out of practically anything by saying: a)It's against my religion b)I'm allergic to that. c)I have an extremly irrational fear of that. d)I already did that in a past life and it sucked. e)My psychotic bunny predicted I'd die doing it. Unfortunalty, several of those reasons LEGITAMITLY apply to a certain activity I do every Tuesday, which WILL NOT BE NAMED HERE LEST I GIVE IT POWER OVER ME! I'm allergic to parts of it, have irrational fears about others and I'm pretty sure it's against my Jenny religion...along with eating mashed potatoes, or potatoes of any kind. I'll add that to the FLAMING CHICKENS HANDBOOK. Thou shalt not eat spuds. Hmmmm...time for #3You can obsessive over ANYTHING, and people will think nothing of it. I, personally, am obsessed with, kitties, bunnies, bats, this website, drawing, making intriate little patterns with strings, doing mildly repetitive activities, being weird, apparantly making lists and cheese...and chickens...and flame. Fire is good. Fire is free. Fire is my friend...until it burns me. Then it must die...painfully. And on to:#4You make your friends look normal in comparison. And #5: You can give each of your pets several weird names such as: Ringling-Raison-Bailey-Suzana-Midnight-Schultz, Squirell, Moose, Moose-Moose, Moosey-Moose, Linzey-Moose, Muffin, Squirell-Muffin, Yabby-Doodle, Abby Normal, Wiggle-Baby, Wiggle-Muffin, Witle-Baby, Cheese-Monkey, Muffin-With-Squirell-Juice, Squirell-With-Muffin Juice, Moosey-Juice, Squirell-Monkey, etc. Now, wasn't that a fun list!? Doesn't that just make you proud to be weird? I should make bumber stickers saying that. Proud to be weird. It'd be cool. Anyway, gotta go! *yawn* I'm back. Last night I was super-charged with lots of sugar and not a lot of sleep. I ended up writing things during the time of night when EVERYTHING is hilarious, including the word sheep. To compound things, I wasn't alone, and things just escalated. The following is everything I wrote during that sugar-coated time period. Some are answers to e-mails, the rest are just stuff I wrote.

Definitly. THen we go to library. Guess what? Me and Josh ate lots and lots of sugar, and it's late at nite and everything is funny but we can't laugh 'cause everybody is sleepin' so it's even funnier but ever since we drank the water we sobered up even though we weren't drunk but we ate sugar...lots and lots of sugar. MOstly donut cake. Okay. JOsh says it was only one piece of cake. WE got it at Wal-mart. Or his mom did. OR something. Goodbye..

[leapingtitan]

Promare Original Soundtrack Review

Alright, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these and this is the perfect candidate. I have waited for this Sawano OST for almost 8 months, ever since Sawano was confirmed to compose for Promare, and now it’s finally here.

A little side note to my followers who aren’t aware: Promare is an anime film by the duo behind Kill la Kill (Hiroyuki Imaishi and Kazuki Nakashima) and the 2nd time they got Sawano to compose for their project. And boy, was it worth it. I have been hyped about Promare since I first saw the announcement after finishing KLK and before Sawano was confirmed as the composer. And at long last, it’s here. The movie is still gonna take a while to come out internationally, be it at the movies or as a disc release, but the soundtrack is out and that’s what I’ll be talking about today.

This marks the first original, non-sequel Sawano anime work since Re:CREATORS which was... almost 2 years ago. That’s a lot of time, and 2018 was a... questionable year for Sawano’s discography filled with average and low-effort sequel works and an abundance of Jpop songs as part of the [nZk] project. But anyway, here is the review to the soundtrack of Promare, composed by Hiroyuki Sawano! As usual, I’ll be sharing my thoughts on each track individually before discussing the soundtrack as a whole. Let’s get right into it!

01. Inferno (vocal: Benjamin, mpi)

Here is what I like to call the “sub-theme vocal track” of Sawano OSTs that follow this pattern. This is basically the “Track #1 that’s a vocal song that could be the main theme but actually comes before the main theme” (similar to God of ink from R:C and Perfect Time from NnT), and a pretty neat one at that. I was looking forward to this track ever since I heard it in the OST CM and it’s honestly very pleasant. Ben and mpi have a lot of synergy as vocalists and the lyrics, plus overall tone and production are very good.

I am generally not a fan of more bright, upbeat and playful vocal songs but this one doesn’t really come off to me as that kind of track. It’s very “everyday” especially the verse and the chorus is super catchy and memorable. Overall, a very solid track. I also really like how Ben and mpi alternate now and then especially with the first and second verse/chorus instead of just having them all sing the same thing. They do that, but only in the last chorus and it sounds like a nice ending to it. The choir in some of the parts (which Sawano himself is part of) is also very nice. 

I have two complaints about this track, however. The first one is that outside of the guitar chords and drums, the instruments are barely audible in the mix because of the percussion. You can make out some of the guitars but overall it sounds a bit drowned out. That, and it ends a bit suddenly without a proper outro to tone down the last chorus. Those are still very much nitpicks though, great track otherwise but not my favorite vocal song on this soundtrack.

02. PRO//MARE

And now we come to the actual instrumental main theme of the movie. I have genuinely missed original Sawano works because most of the modern ones have this thing where he names the main theme after the show it’s made for, and it’s just a really cool pattern that never gets old to me.

PRO//MARE is the newest entry to this category and it’s the orchestral track that was heard in the first half of the 2nd trailer. Part of it was also showcased at AnimeJapan at the Promare section. Personally, this is one of my favorite tracks in the album. I love how unpredictable the structure is and the subtle synths and guitar give it a unique flavor that make it stand out from the typical Sawano orchestral tracks. The strings part at 1:55 is my favorite part and it’s just amazing. The main melody is also very nice and overall, it’s a very solid main theme that gets its purpose across. On top of that, this has to be one of the best uses of fake choir Sawano has integrated into an orchestral track.

On top of that, it also does not have a 2nd half and has a pretty good length for an instrumental track. This actually makes it more solid and doesn’t give the feeling of Sawano not knowing how to make a track longer without a 2nd slow half. Overall, very good and again, a big highlight on the album for me.

03. GAL-OTHY-MOS

After 3 years of no woodwinds, it was time to go home.

Okay, here is an absolute banger. Galo (the protagonist)’s theme marks the return of woodwinds in Sawano’s works which is something we didn’t think would happen at this point. And oh boy, this one is big.

Right off the bat, the flute establishes itself very nicely alongside the overall Japanese/ethnic sound the track is going for, which I need to talk about on its own. It’s so freaking cool how unique this theme sounds like with the whole ethnic soundscape mostly because of how appropriate it is for Galo as a character. A side note about Promare, the movie is basically about firefighters who use mechs called “MATOI” which, aside from being a cheesy Kill la Kill reference, are banners used by Firefighters in the Edo period. It’s just so sweet how the overall sound comes together as a character theme.

The track itself is dope. Aside from the ethnic melodic elements it focuses on standard band percussion and orchestra, which is pretty nicely mixed if I might add. The arrangement of the strings stands out among Sawano orchestral tracks and I love the ostinatos throughout the track. Structure and melody iis also very strong.

The 2nd half leaves a bit to be desired as it’s basically a slower version with some instrumental changes, but other than that it’s not that interesting. Still, overall very nice and another highlight for me.

04. Λsʜᴇs (vocal: Gemie)

Another vocal song, and this time it’s Lio’s theme... well, of them. I like to think of this as the main theme among all the other tracks that use the same leitmotif. Anyway, right off the bat, Λsʜᴇs instantly reminds me of RE:3343 and ABYSSwaltz from Re:CREATORS. This also marks the return of a very nice vocal technique that I’ve missed in Sawano works which is layering a whispering of a vocal line alongside the main vocal line with both lines being the same. Adds a very interesting “ethereal” sound to the vocals in a track that is already pretty ethereal on its own.

The strings here are nice but of course, Gemie’s voice is the highlight and boy did I not know she can sing this high. The wailing/non-lyrical part after the chorus is very powerful and personally this is one of the best Gemie songs for me. There is another version of this song later on which I prefer more, but this one is also very nice.

Lyrics are also quite interesting, as expected of cAnON. and her particular choice of vocabulary.

05. WORLDBIGFLAMEUP

Say hello to the track with the best song name on the OST and one that perfectly describes the Sawano fans’ reaction to the soundtrack dropping. This is the initial teaser track that played all the way back then and our first sample of Sawano’s work for Promare. (Well, technically it was the strings part in GAL-OTHY-MOS but we just assumed it was the same track).

WORLDBIGFLAMEUP is, to put it short, awesome. Instead of an all-out bombastic orchestral Sawano track, it’s more of a tense, emergency and action type of piece that goes at a fast pace and overall delivers a feeling of uneasiness and chaos, which perfectly captures the whole “Fire” aspect of the movie’s concept.

Instrumentally, I have to say this is one of my favorite instrument choices Sawano has done for an orchestral track outside of the usual strings and brass. It partially has some ethic elements here and there with the dulcimer which adds a whole new layer to the rhythm of the piece.

And then there is the gamelan which is probably my favorite instrument in this entire track and what makes the whole track what it is for me. It’s so cool and the little quiet sections where it’s more audible are probably my favorite. That’s just all I have to say. It’s awesome.

The 2nd half of the track was a thing I had a problem with initially because it’s another “2nd slow half” to fill up track space, except this one has grown on me. I like the piano addition though overall it sounds like the track was slowed down in Audacity or something... I just think the overall arrangement makes it a better fit for the fast pace of the first half and not the way it’s presented in the 2nd half.. that is until it gets to the main part with the band percussion. This is where I would make a PotS/<X9> joke, but this one is actually pretty cool and pure headbang material, especially the last part. I mostly have to thank @shifter-lines for getting me to like this as much as I do now, haha. Yet another highlight for me and a very good track.

06. PROMARETHEME

So, GAL-OTHY-MOS was the first of two tracks to have woodwinds return and that’s something we’ve known about since the initial recording tweet. This is the 2nd, except it’s a tin whistle instead of a flute and boy does it sound good.

PROMARETHEME legitimately sounds like Sawano went full Zimmer/Powell and made a Kung Fu Panda track because it’s so awesome with the tin whistle it’s hard to put it into words. Oh yeah, and it’s an orchestral version of Inferno that was actually made before Inferno itself. This is one of Imaishi (the director)’s favorite tracks as far as my knowledge goes and one of the sub-themes for the movie. 

Overall, it has a very powerful start with, again, the tin whistle and the choir part after the main chorus is equally awesome. I initially thought it was going to go into a 2nd half after that pause but it was just that, a pause. Overall, a pretty neat track... again, that tin whistle.

07. BangBangBUR!...n?

Hoho boy, here it is. I am not ashamed to use this joke for the 10000th time since this OST released last week, but this piece is an absolute Banger. It’s pure fire and is my favorite instrumental track on the Promare OST.

This was initially first played in a very obscure CM in Japan that came out around the same time as the initial teaser and didn’t show any new footage, but it had a bit of this track playing and I loved it.

BangBangBUR!...n? is one of those tracks that don’t need a good and powerful lead melody to stand out. The overall sound design and instrument choice for this piece is freaking amazing and I highly recommend listening with headphones for the full experience. The bass, the beat, the synths and the guitars, plus the synth ostinato and combination of electronic kicks with additional distorted drums to add to the rhythm is absolutely incredible. It’s an awesome track in every way.

The strings portion makes it even more awesome by adding a melody to it and repeating the previous part, essentially building onto the foundation it sets for itself beforehand.

The 2nd half is probably the best 2nd half Sawano has ever done if we count slow arrangements in the same piece. Instead of just slowing down the first half, it changes up the arrangement a bit and sounds like a semi-ambient dark piece while maintaining the coolness factor of the first half. The strings are equally awesome. By the way, this is the director’s other favorite track and he loved the demo Sawano initially showed him. Of course he did.

Overall, absolute banger and again, best instrumental track on the OST for me. Go listen to it, and if you haven’t seen the first 5 minutes of the movie online yet, go do that as well. This track is used perfectly as an establishing piece for Promare and what it is.

08. NEXUS (vocal: Laco)

We come to the first original Sawano Laco song to be officially released! (Because Zero Eclipse is taking forever). NEXUS initially gave me a much different impression than the one I have right now. When I heard it in the OST CM, I didn’t really like it to be honest.

Like I’ve said in the past, I generally dislike “happy”, playful vocal songs because it doesn’t feel like they have any emotional impact for me while I’m listening to them and this is pretty much what I expected.

Instead, I get a 90s pop song that has one of the sickest drum productions I’ve ever seen. Seriously, those drums are insanely good. It sounds like typical four on the floor type of beat at first, and that’s what it mostly is in the chorus, but the drums in the verse are insane. You can, to quote someone else here, internally feel the rhythm and it’s amazing.

The synths are super catchy and compliment the vocal line really good and, again, sound straight out of a 90s pop song. Laco’s singing itself is also pretty good and I think she stands out as an OST Sawano vocalist with a different tone to her voice than Gemie, Eliana and... someone else whose name I can’t remember. Weird.

Anyway, the vocal effect in the intro with the reverb/semi-choir sounds dope. The lyrics for the song itself are kind of weird, though.. and from what I’ve heard, this track was kinda overused as a battle theme in the movie. And, although I think it can fit under said circumstances, I don’t think using it for every battle scene would benefit it, especially the chorus which is my least favorite part compared to the rest of the tracks. It just sounds... but overall, the track is great, Laco’s singing is great and the production quality is very high. Great piece overall.

09. BAR2tsuSH

We come to the big baddies (well, some of them) villain theme. This and WORLDBIGFLAMEUP are the closest to being a KLK-esque track on this OST and this one is pretty good. It’s the “group villain theme” for the Mad Burnish, also part of the song name and it’s a pretty neat one at that.

Instrumentally, it goes ham with the scratchy synths and the edgy guitar chugs around the middle of the first half. Also, the rhythms of this song are sick. I like how it goes into a different drumming pattern after the first two measures in the synth portion and the main part is also a nice Sawano orchestral vocal track. Great alternating melody between the synths and brass with a nice ending to it.

The 2nd half is unfortunately a bit weak and doesn’t really do anything interesting with the first half other than the typical “slow it down, change up the instruments” thing. It’s not bad, just nothing outstanding either. Overall, a nice piece. That’s all I have to say.

10. DeusPRO召す

Next up we come to the theme of a character who is so important to the plot, they have barely shown anything about him and his last name, Prometh, literally has the name of the movie in it.

Deus’ theme is super cool and unique. Right off the bat it establishes a unique soundscape with some interesting synth ostinatos that make you think you are listening to a factory/laboratory theme in a video game. The rhythm elements with the brass coming on later on are also very nice and this is another like I think can hold its own without a powerful lead melody in a similar matter to BangBangBUR!...n?. Not quite as good at it but still very good nonetheless. I can totally lay back and listen to this.

The 2nd half gets interesting because it brings up the PRO//MARE (main theme) melody and does some interesting things by layering the synths and drums from the first half over it and it works pretty well.

I mean... you know you’re an important character when your character theme rearranges the main theme of the movie you’re in.

Overall, this is a dope track. Wish I could say more but I’d be repeating myself.

11. fanFAREpiZZA

Next up is the track with the most questionable song name for someone who hasn’t listened to it. The first half is exactly what it says. A fanfare sort of victory theme and a pretty good one with some cool synth over it that almost sounds like it’s a continuation from DeusPRO召す. The only thing that’s weird is that the brass here is sampled... not entirely sure why when all the other orchestral tracks have actual brass recordings. It’s a bit weird but it doesn’t really sound that bad. It’s a pretty nice track. Can’t say anything else.

...Except about the 2nd half. “piZZA” is in the title as well and... it’s a comedic track. Harmonica, catchy beat and nice guitar going on in the left channel. I love it. It’s the only comedic/everyday laid back track on the OST and a pretty good one at that. Watch the 11-minute prequel to the movie if you want to see how it’s used. It’s pretty darn sweet. Again, I want to say more but.. that’s about it.

12. Λsʜᴇs ～RETURNS～ (vocal: Gemie)

And here is the better version of Λsʜᴇs, in my opinion at least. At the cost of the ethereal feel of the original, this one slaps on distorted drums and some really cool synths over it and makes it more like an orchestral bombastic track, and a really tragic but good one at that.

One thing that I absolutely love about this one is how the strings and especially Gemie’s vocals are re-recorded instead of reused from the original track. You can tell by the tone of her voice and especially in the chorus where she sings louder and the wailing part which is completely different. Overall, this is a much more chaotic version of the original and an excellent arrangement. I love 6/8 orchestral Sawano tracks and this one in particular reminds me of Ω from Guilty Crown which is one of my all-time favorite orchestral Sawano pieces.

Very good piece and yet another highlight of the soundtrack.

13. 燃焼ING-RES9

The Burning Rescue theme is yet another arrangement of Inferno which I guess fits-context wise. Anyway, on my first listen-through, this was my least favorite track because unlike PROMARETHEME it didn’t do anything interesting with the Inferno melody. At least, those were my thoughts at the beginning. Also, it kinda sounds like it borrows the drumline from Before my body is dry in some parts.

Regardless, like NEXUS, this track has grown on me and I think the guitars in the start make the whole thing a lot better for me. It also has a nice little outro section going on there which I also like.

Overall, I don’t have that much to say about this one apart from what I wrote above. I prefer Inferno and PROMARETHEME more to this one but it’s still alright.

14. BAR2NG4女14yoN

Next up we come to yet another absolute banger and a highlight for me. When I first saw the teaser visual for Promare and informed myself about what it was and from who it was after watching Kill la Kill, this track is very close to the kind of music I initially imagined for Promare. A fast, electronic, upbeat sort of battle theme that’s super uplifting. Also, another one I recommend listening to with headphones.

The drums in this track, like NEXUS, have insanely good sound in the mix and are basically the main instrument of this piece. Overall, it’s a more rhythm-focused track rather than a melodic one. Also has some sick guitars going on there that remind me of bL∞dy f8 a little bit. Then comes Gemie with the (uncredited) vocals that add a sweet layer to the already upbeat piece and a melody so it’s not purely rhythmic. Overall, very uplifting and an absolute banger.

I can mostly say the same about the 2nd half which is also quick and synth-focused but doesn’t have vocals. It’s more neutral/concentrated in terms of sound and less “playful” than the first half and imagine some high-altitude, high-speed fight scene happening in the movie with this playing in the background. The synths add to the overall mood of the piece and it’s great. Again, great drums and great rhythm all around. Definitely a highlight in the OST.

15. 904SITE

...I don’t know guys, he still might not be the villain.

Okay seriously. There was a point before the Promare premiere where they stopped trying to hide the fact that Kray was the antagonist of the movie and this theme playing in the OST PV was basically like “nah nah fam what are you talking about.”

Anyway, right off the bat, this is my least favorite track on the soundtrack. It’s not bad, I just prefer everything else over it. And the track itself is a bit...well... it’s an arrangement of BAR2tsuSH and a slow one at that... and that track already has a 2nd slow half.

Thing is, this is more of a mood-setter made for a certain scene in the movie. Personally, I don’t enjoy it that much as a standalone track because it just feels very raw and weak, especially since I had the expectations it would be a full-length character theme like GAL-OTHY-MOS, which it isn’t, and it’s not even an original melody for the most part. Overall, it’s not a bad piece, just underwhelming, but regardless, was probably important and used well for the movie, which is what’s important on its own at the end of the day.

16. REG-GIRT

The track that spells “Trigger” backwards. Classic Sawano.

Okay, so for the record I had much lower expectations for this track based on what I heard in the OST PV. Because it’s literally PRO//MARE with synths, drums and guitars layered over it which screams 2018 Sawano and we don’t talk about that here.

But anyway, that’s not entirely what it is. For once, said synths, guitars and drums are actually pretty great even when you do hear that it arranges the main theme instead of being an original track. On top of that, some of the string sections are new and not in PRO//MARE. The main part is probably the weakest for me since it’s very much the original track with the drums over it. This was played in the 3rd PV and honestly, this part in particular is just uninteresting. 

The outro itself is cool but for goodness sake... remember my complaint about Inferno ending suddenly? This one ends so suddenly it sounds like it immediately cuts off into silence which is just weird... at least let the instruments echo/fade out. Makes me think it was made for a scene which ends on an unexpected note... wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.

17. RE:0

No, this is not a Re:Zero reference.

Judging from how Sawano names character themes after the character themselves, you’d assume this would be Lio’s theme but for me... that’s Λsʜᴇs, and this is the piano version of it. Yep, classic Sawano making a piano arrangement of an existing track. And this one is really good.

I don’t have that much to say about piano solos in general but this one is definitely up there with the likes of omake-pfadlib for me and overall perfectly executes the emotion for me and is a great rendition of Λsʜᴇs. Favorite out of the piano solos on the OST.

18. PIROMARE

The last arrangement of Inferno on the album and a pretty good one at that! It’s another piano solo with some nice touches to the original track, especially towards the ending. Really like it, but I wish it was more of a medley that included more melodies like PRO//MARE rather than just Inferno, but it’s still a very pleasant piece to listen to. Again, not much else to say.

19. Gallant Ones (vocal: Benjamin, mpi)

And here it is. This is the Holy Grail of the Promare Original Soundtrack and the one song I have been most looking forward to ever since hearing the instrumental in the 2nd half of the 2nd PV.

Gallant Ones is, without a doubt, my favorite song on this entire album and by default my favorite vocal song. It’s also straight-up one of the best vocal songs Sawano has ever written for a soundtrack work and I would easily put it up there with the likes of theDOGS. Not quite too close to it but still a huge favorite for me.

This track borrows some of the percussion from BangBangBUR!...n?, as well as the ostinato pattern, except it changes the key and makes a freaking guitar play it. And speaking of guitars, this is without a doubt some of the best guitars Sawano has written in ages, mostly because of the fact that there are more melodic elements than rhythmic ones and that’s something you just don’t see Sawano do with electric guitars nowadays.

Going into the guitars again, one of my favorite production techniques when writing guitar parts is writing two semi-improv lines with one on each side of the panning (channels). And when played together, it sounds like pure fire. Gallant Ones does this with the verse guitars which were originally showcased in the 2nd half of PV2. It’s pure groove.

The percussion is another thing that makes the track what it is. It has a bunch of stuff going on that’s very similar to BangBangBUR!...n? like I already said, but the beat itself is dope and I love it so much.

Vocal-wise, this is far better than Inferno and Suck your blood from Kill la Kill for me. Ben and mpi make an even better duo here, combined with sick lyrics and absolutely lit chorus/vocal melody, this track is amazing in every sense.

If there is one thing I had to mention it would be my initial complaint about the length of Gallant Ones. The track is a few seconds short of being 3 minutes long which is pretty short for a vocal song that starts off like this. However, the more listen to this track (I’ve heard this well over a few dozen times at the time I’m writing this) the less it bothers me. If it had the standard structure of Sawano vocal songs where it repeats the chorus two or three times, it would have gotten repetitive really quick so I think the length is actually a plus here.

Despite all of that, if it was up to me I would have given it an extra 40 seconds or so by adding in the parts from the PV, specifically an instrumental version of the chorus where the guitar ostinato can be heard clearly, or the guitar outro which is better than the actual outro in this song. However, even now those are just nitpicks. Gallant Ones is incredible. Go listen to it.

“YOU ARE THE ENGINE AND THE POWER, LET’S FIGHT THIS TRUTH AND NAIL”

“I AM THE PILOT IN THIS GAME AND THIS TEAM WILL NEVER FAIL!”

...Had to get that out.

20. stRE:0ings

This is another one of those tracks like 904SITE where I don’t doubt that it was used well in the movie but still find its position in the OST a bit meh. It’s basically exactly what it says... a strings + piano version of RE:0 which is a piano version of Λsʜᴇs, which... also has strings and piano. What.

Okay seriously, I don’t mind it on its own, I just think it’s a bit too similar to Λsʜᴇs for me to fullly enjoy it, but it’s nice regardless. Don’t have that much else to say.

21. 火-YO!人

At last we come to the final track, which is the 3rd piano solo on the Promare OST and a pretty interesting one. It’s very dissonant and sounds like it’s from a Guilty Crown Another Side album. Overall, I think it’s nice. Really like how it sounds like it’s gonna go off into a melody then abruptly stops, and the closing section is nice.

Overall, a nice finisher to a great OST.

Conclusion

As a whole, this soundtrack is amazing. This is the kind of music Sawano can make when given proper direction. Of course, he’s worked with Imaishi before on Kill la Kill, and that OST turned out great. This one did as well. It’s a very fresh Sawano soundtrack with a lot of interesting elements, amazing vocal songs and diverse instrumental tracks.

Since KLK is a 2-cour anime show with more music, the music itself is all over the place and there’s a lot of tracks. Promare, on the other hand, likes to keep thinks in flavor but also concentrate on certain aspects, since it’s a movie and has to have a higher level of consistency.

Anyways, after a tough year of average low-effort sequel OSTs, getting this originality back again was very welcome and was well-worth the wait. I highly recommend checking this out if you haven’t listened to it already.

Also, I made a poll for the soundtrack! Make sure to check it out if you do get around to listening to it. Always like hearing what other people think! 

Favorite vocal song: Gallant Ones

Favorite instrumental track: BangBangBUR!...n?

Favorite piano solo: RE:0

Favorite song name: WORLDBIGFLAMEUP

Least favorite track: 904SITE

Other highlights: PRO//MARE, GAL-OTHY-MOS, WORLDBIGFLAMEUP, NEXUS, DeusPRO召す, Λsʜᴇs ～RETURNS～, BAR2NG4女14yoN

Overall Album Rating: 9/10

[saleintothe90s]

384. “Mad About You” series finale (5/24/1999)

(source)

So, I remember watching the series finale of Mad About You that night, but I haven’t watched it again since it originally aired. I do remember feeling let down at the end however. This is what I remember from 20 years ago, maybe I’ll remember some forgotten details once I re watch it...which I will after I make this list: 

- Janeane Garofolo was Paul & Jamie’s daughter Mabel all grown up and she had come out with a documentary about her life? Her dad’s life? The film was everything after 1999?

-Paul & Jamie bought the apartment across from them and merged it into theirs? Which didn’t make any sense. Everybody had to walk through P&J’s bedroom to get to the expansion?

-Paul & Jamie were pregnant again with twins but she lost the babies? I just remember the scene where Paul rushes into the apartment with a double stroller excited that he found one. He sees the message light on the answering machine and it’s Jamie. I was trying to figure out if this was early on when Mabel was still a one year old, and one seat in the stroller was for her, or Jamie was pregnant with twins. 

-Paul’s dad died real early on in the episode. 

-Paul and Jamie wonder who should give her the birds and the bees talk when Mabel is a teenager, but turns out they waited too long. When Paul sits down with her to discuss it, she interrupts him and says that she’s already had sex, or she was already on the pill. Paul decides to take Mabel out for bagels every Saturday morning so he can remain closer to her. I just remember them eating bagels and sitting on a stoop. 

- Paul and Jamie separate for realz this time. Remember when they temporarily separated but then got back together and Jamie got pregnant with Mabel?  

[That episode is titled “The Finale”, please don’t confuse it for this one like I almost did. In case you’re wondering about my bitmoji dressed like a snail, our power went on and off the entire time I was writing this. I went ahead and used that save video me website so I could watch the clips offline.] 

- Jamie had become really cold at that point in her life and Paul had it. 

-The last scene was everybody watching Mabel’s documentary in a movie theater and P&J were a little embarrassed. Paul (almost crying) asks Jamie if she would like to go out for pie.

-Clearly they hadn’t shot enough because the last five minutes were “home movies” of the two and Mabel in central park. The montage seemed to last for-ever. 

-Before I re-watch, I also wanted to mention that I hate the theme song! 

I found the episode on DailyMotion, and the username of the uploader is “Magic School Bus” ... ms. frizzle is that you?  It also appears that Ms. Frizzle recorded this episode from syndication, so there might be a tiny scene or two missing. 

(part 1, part 2)

(Apparently it’s on the internet archive too, but it took forever to get the vid to play on my iPad. It has commercials though!) https://archive.org/details/MelrosePlaceHomeImprovementFinales1999 

So, Mabel’s film was titled “The reason why I am this way”. Maybe a grad school project?. Janeane looks grad school age here. 

The film starts with Paul & Jamie’s anniversary when Mabel was 1 in 1999. I was right!

A bird pooped on Paul! Nah, it was just Lyle Lovett the construction worker spilling paint. He married Jamie n Paul 7 years ago, but turns out he’s NOT an ordained minster, so they’re not officially married.  This is so dumb. Such a trope, right? 

Jamie is freaking out that they’re not really husband and wife. Paul is the rational one here, he says just go to city hall next week! Jamie is all “no, we gotta do it today, its our anniversary!”  So they go, there’s a chapel at city hall, there’s a lady named Phyllis there as a witness and who throws rice (25¢ a throw!)  

Stupidly, however, Jamie runs away. I do remember this freeze frame from the episode.

There’s lots of jumping around through time while all this is going on, I forgot about that, I just thought it was a straight up timeline.

We jump to 2005 where P&J are in therapy for the thousandth time, also when Paul goes in for a vasectomy. At first, I didn’t realize that Jamie was talking to her sister, Lisa in the waiting room since she had short hair. Jamie tries to explain to her that Mabel doesn’t need a sister, but Lisa guilt trips her. Jamie tells Paul that she thinks they made a mistake. They Michael Scott-eded it:

It’s 2011 and P&J are trying to give 11 year old Mabel the sex talk.

In 2004 Murray (remember, the dog? Yeah, the dog got forgotten somewhere in the series) got a girlfriend and they had puppies!  There is the best scene ever where Paul teaches Mabel how to shoot video and Nat the dog walker (played by Helen Hunt’s then husband, Hank Azaria) does a play talk show with the puppies. IT’S TOO CUTE, I put it on instagram. I forgot that Hank was on the show. I still remember how heartbroken I was though when Hank and Helen broke up, though.

There’s a real quick scene in the sports shop that Paul’s family owns (which I forgot about in the series). Jeff Garlin (who I like to call “Daddy Goldberg” since I love him on The Goldbergs) is teasing Paul for all his vasectomies. blah blah. You know what I noticed? That old Sketchers shoebox! Those ugly chunky metallic shoes they made in ’95 ’96 used to come in those boxes.  aw. ugliest shoes I ever had, they were most def. Airwalk Jim knockoffs. ANYWAY.

Mabel’s first film “Stabbing Bob” comes out in late 2021 when she’s 23. The whole family is there, including Cyndi Lauper who married Paul’s brother  cousin Ira. The whole family tries to get Paul and Jamie to sit together, so obviously something went DOWN between 2011 and 2021. This is when the syndicated version cuts off.

Part 2 begins again with Mabel’s documentary and her asking “Who do you think was responsible for my parents breakup? The one who ran away from the altar and changed her mind three times about whether or not her partner should have painful private surgery … or the other guy?” So when this film was made, Jamie and Paul were still broken up? Mabel is really tearing Jamie up a new one here. Jamie is the devil.

Back to 2005 and Jamie is pregnant, because Paul didn’t get that vasectomy. This is where everything is back on track with my memories of the episode. Except for those ugly ass pajamas. wow. Jamie is only supposed to be 42 here, the pajamas and glasses made her look 60.

2012, Mabel is 14 and she never did get that sex talk…perfect tribute to Whitney though, considering she had recently died.

Oh, no here comes the stroller scene in 2006. Paul is so happy, he says, “I found it! Last one in the city, and I found it! One big seat one little seat! 2 kids, one carriage! One big happy family. ” Uh, Mabel is 9.  The “one big seat, one little seat!”  makes me wonder if the writers forgot what year it was? Why would there be a big seat and a little seat?” Twins are the same size.  Those stroller seats look the same size. Paul finds a note left by Jamie, so it wasn’t an answering machine message.

In early 2021 we see Jamie’s bff Fran, FINALLY. I was wondering where Fran was! She was married to Richard Kind and he left her so he could ride motorcycles like “Easy Rider”, (remember when Fran kept calling the movie “The Easy Rider” and it drove Richard crazy, he was like, “the name of the movie is EASY RIDER, NOT ‘THE EASY RIDER!”). Riffs is somehow still open, martini glasses are taller, forks have clear spiral handles, and Fran be looking like something that walked off the Enterprise.  

Oh, and Paul left Jamie. Jamie now is wearing reading glasses around her neck. Oh, honey noo, you’re only 58.  Here is Helen Hunt in 2018:

Paul said that Jamie is unkind and that was why he was leaving.  

Aw, there’s my fozzie bear!

Costume and Makeup got Paul Reiser exactly right though!

After that, Paul & Jamie had to be straight with Mabel at all times. Ok, whatever:

 So I was also wrong about Paul’s died dying when Mabel was little.

On the way to the funeral, Paul’s mom encourages the two to pay a bribe so they can buy the apartment across the hall. She says, “Then Mabel can have a room.” …. Mabel didn’t have a room? She was 13 in the Murray’s not real scene. Where did she sleep?!  Now I remember thinking way back then that the episode left a lot of plot holes open, this being one!

I remember feeling kind of turned off by this elevator scene with the sad music after the funeral. I didn’t know the phrase back then, but now I know that it feels so forced. We get it. Paul’s mom is alone.

Casting didn’t do a good job with teenage Mabel, she’s supposed to be 18 in 2015 and it’s still the girl who played her when she was 12. w2g. I didn’t make a screen grab but I was right about Mabel having to cross her parents bedroom, and bathroom to get to her room. I was also right about the bagels! 

It’s back to the scene in late 2021 where everybody is watching the end of Mabel’s movie, “Stabbing Bob”.  I guess she was trying to be a lil Tarintino. Why did I think they were watching the documentary? Ha, at the end, Paul’s sister asks the family if they want to go out for pie. Yesss, the pie scene!

I did remember this from the pilot episode where Jamie kisses Paul on their first date when he turns to her. Jamie asks “buy me some pie?”, not Paul! I swore for 20 years I heard Paul Reiser tearfully saying, “I would like some pie” in my head!

Oh, one plot point that did get patched up was that Paul & Jamie asked the guy from city hall to come over and marry them in their apartment six seconds to midnight.

RIP, Murray the dog.

UGH, I was right about the long montage of the end that is just pretend home movies of the cast. It’s nearly four minutes long, and its set to country music. It’s hell.  I remember actually leaving the room during this part 20 years ago instead of just you know, muting the TV. It completely ruins the quietness of the episode. It’s total filler.

The ending credits are on Youtube, it’s adult Mabel giving a rundown of what happened to who.

Related:

More from the series finale series: https://saleintothe90s.tumblr.com/search/Series%20finale%20series

/edit/

I was curious and went hunting around in google groups (which houses newsgroup archives) to see what people said about it online right after it aired: 

Someone wondered too about where on earth Mabel slept until they expanded the apartment: 

>2)  Where did Mabel sleep before they got the second apartment and >turned it into a room? Shared with mommy and daddy?? Or maybe that little space before the bedroom.  Did they convert the appartments into one or move to the other side? I was a bit confused about that.

>>I wish I had watched Ally (but that's just my

>opinion).<<

Trust me, if you've watched the show at all this season, you've seen this episode.  Ally is depressed about no man, elaine whips out the video camera, the biscuit bobs his head to Barry White, does a gymnastic dismount from the toilet stall, stutters like Porky Pig, and all of the same fucking things he does every single fucking episode.  I really liked this show at first, but I'm about to give up on it because the same shit happens week after week after week.  If David Kelley cannot think of anything new to do with this show, he should hire a writing team, because it it going nowhere fast!

Brian

To know that Paul and Jamie's genes resulted in that shrewish frump Janeane Garofalo was one thing.  But to be "previewed" twenty years of their misery resulting in Mabel's therapy for bad parenting was pretty unbearable.

Crap.  Not quite as crap as the Rosanne finale, but more crap than the last

Seinfeld episode. I knew they were in trouble in the very first scene where

they set up the premise for the episode. Lyle Lovett tells them that he

wasn't really an ordained minister when he performed their wedding ceremony

and that he was drunk when he said he was. (now there's an original plot)

One problem: Lyle isn't the one who told them he was a minister and everyone

was sober at the time.

Then they have Jannene Garofolo as their grown up daughter, recounting everything thing that went wrong in their marriage, another lame plot device.

There're also a few little slips, like Paul buying a double baby carriage in 2005, when their daughter would be 8 or so.

But, to get to the root of why the episode (and the last two seasons for that matter) failed: The whole permise of the show was that these two likable, but occasionally goofy or even stupid, people were so much in love that they would always be together no matter what. Corny, naive, romantic, but also endearing. It made for a nice, comforting 4 seasons or so, but after a while the formula gets old. So they started making the characters a lot less likeable. Paul Reiser turned into Homer Simpson and Helen Hunt became a neurotic version of Lucy Ricardo, until I had no idea why these two people were staying together.

They got back to the original idea of the series in the last ten minutes, but it was too little, too late. In the previous 50 minutes, their whole marriage went to hell. Not only didn't those two people belong together, they didn't even seem to care about each other. They did something similar a few years back (marriage goes wrong, they still love each other and stay together) but it was convincing and they didn't do the gimmicky jumping back and forth over 25 years thing. That was the perfect moment to end the series.

I agree. I watched with the series finale of MAY with the morbid fascination that I would have while watching a car wreck.  I didn’t *want* to do it, but I was drawn to it.  And what a car wreck it was.

The plot of the finale should have insulted every thinking person.  Did anyone accept the premise that two sophisticated New Yorkers could believe they were legally married without having a marriage license and certificate?  For those of you who have never been married, you absolutely need such documentation for your bank accounts, health insurance, social security, credit cards, mortgages etc.   The retroactive vitiation of the Buchman’s marriage is akin to the Bobby’s dream sequence on Dallas a few years ago.

Jaime’s jilting of Paul at the “altar” was vapid.  Tim Conway’s gag in being both the marriage clerk and the justice of the peace was predictable, and as predictably stupid as Conway’s similar gags on the now ancient Carol Burnett show.  The pronunciation of “Buchman” to explain why Paul and Jaime had the same last name may have been amusing to a ten year old, but I doubt it was funny to anyone more mature.  A justice of the peace would not play the wedding march with a dime store cassette recorder while demanding that a prospective bride walk down the courtroom “aisle.”  Couldn’t they have done something interesting with the marriage witness instead of using a stock character such as the disinterested, magazine-reading rice-thrower?  From a legal standpoint, Paul and Jaime’s marriage at midnight was as ineffective as “first” marriage because there was no witness (contrary to the dialogue, a baby simply cannot be a legal witness to a marriage).  Why would a justice of the peace make a house call to perform a civil marriage?

The whole vasectomy gag was asinine.  Have either HH or PR been in a hosptial?  Did they do *any* research before they wrote this gag?  Its pretty safe to conclude that a surgical nurse would *not* lead a post- operative vasectomy patient through a waiting room while he was wearing nothing but a robe.  Moreover, given Paul’s obvious pain from the first vasectomy, don’t you think that Jaime would have known that Paul did not go through with the second one?  Wouldn’t Jaime have asked Paul if he went through with the vasectomy before she purchased and used a pregnancy test kit?  Jaime’s miscarriage was telegraphed from the beginning of the vasectomy gag.

The makeup aging of the characters was amateurish at best.  The sex talk difficulty with Mabel has been done by every sitcom since Leave It To Beaver, and most have done it better.  What was the point of the puppy urination scene?

The breakup and reconciliation was sentimental tripe.  In the real world, people that fight as much as Paul and Jaime do not get divorced and then, with one magic kiss, make everything OK.

Was it necessary to introduce a new character in the finale to narrate the Buchmans’ life story? (As an aside, I hated the casting of Janeane Garofolo (sp?).  She looked like complete crap.  Can’t that woman ever look presentable?  Someone should have given her a mirror and a comb before they began filming the episode.  She is a second rate Roseanne knock off, and, judging from last night’s appearance, she is now attempting to catch Roseanne in the weight department as well.)

The closing montage attempted to simulate a home movie circa 1960s such as that used in the Wonder Years.  But why would Paul and Jaime, a 1990s couple, have used such a medium for their home movies?  Also, even assuming the choice of medium was justified, why did they wave in quick, jerky movements at the movie camera?  Has anyone done that since the 1960s?

In the end analysis, the MAY finale was incredibly lame.  I got home in time to catch the end of the Melrose Place finale, and, IMO, even that show -- as bad as it is -- has more entertainment value than MAY.  At least they don’t take themselves seriously.  I am delighted that MAY is now over.  I hope that the poor ratings associated with the show will cause some retooling at NBC, especially in its high profile slots.

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[clevertony]

WOW.

Omg I’m so happy right now.

I’m in the last week of my degree, I’m going for an associate’s in web development (and this program and all the crap they’ve pulled on my class has been a SHIT SHOW but that’s for another post), and we have one class that basically the entire class is one big group project.  We’re supposed to be making some website for the school’s IT classes.

The whole class has been awful, the instructors kept dragging their feet with it to the point that we didn’t even have our first assignment in the class until midterms and didn’t get to the point where we could actually start coding until the 2nd week of April (we were supposed to be able to work on the project all semester long), so it’s been HECTIC and confusing and everything is rushed.

We got divided into 2 groups, one group doing the student side of the website and one group doing the faculty/staff side of the website.  I’m doing the student side with 2 guys, one who literally seems to not know a single thing about web development and one who is decent enough with the backend but has horrible taste when it comes to the front end.  Works fine for me bc I’ve been using html/css since I was 12 so I’m fine with doing the front end stuff, he can do the database, and the other guy can just keep constantly sending us messages about how he doesn’t know what to do and then make a terrible powerpoint that I end up having to re-make anyway.  Works alright.

Well I’ve been freaking out lately about how there just is NOT enough time to get this project done.  It’s due Friday, and we don’t have a single page fully completed (the home page is ALMOST all the way completed now, just need the database connectivity, but we still need to do 2-3 more pages as well).  But omg.  I just stumbled upon the other group’s page and I am now SO FREAKIN HAPPY.  I’m literally elated.  I feel 100x better about our project.   This is what our homepage looks like (I smudged out anything that said the school’s name cuz I’m paranoid):

Not great of course, but it’s not terrible at least.  It follows the style guide provided by the school in terms of font choice and colors.  I used bootstrap so it looks a little more put together.  Not a pro website but good enough for 2 years of barely being taught anything by this joke of a program.  

It’s the only page we have done right now, but the others all use the same style sheet and the header/nav and footer are identical on every page, so even if we can’t get all the content added to the other pages, at least the layout will make it look somewhat done.  But I was still worried about not getting a good grade because of how little time we had to finish and the fact that we couldn’t go in depth (like until 10 mins ago I was sitting here worrying about how the website doesn’t look great on mobile and how I don’t know if I’ll have enough time to make a mobile version). Well I’m not worried about that at ALL now.  Here’s the other group’s pages (all of their pages):

(The links on the documents and edit profile pages don’t work btw).

I am ECSTATIC.  Honestly I really hope for their sake that this was just some crude first attempt and they’ve made tremendous improvements and just haven’t yet uploaded them.  I mean I do feel bad because normally I wouldn’t want to see my classmates do poorly but gods I really needed that confidence boost.  

I’ve learned from past solo projects that with the instructors at this school, if you make something look nice, they’ll generally give you an A even if you don’t do all the requirements, because they’re so impressed at your design skills.  

My first semester web design class I literally waited til the last minute, did the entire page in about 6 hours, forgot to include some required things, TOLD my instructor that I forgot to include those things on my project review and for the question that asked what grade we feel we should get I said a B, and she literally said something along the lines of “yeah I know you didn’t do all the requirements but I’m giving you 100% anyway because it looks like you put a lot of effort into it” (I didn’t.  I could have done WAAAAAY better).

2nd semester we had one big project that was the final project for 3 of our classes.  We needed a C# program that was connected to a database, and then we needed to make a javascript heavy webpage that was along the same theme as our program.  I focused so much on making my C# program perfect that I ran out of time to do my javascript project.  I literally had nothing.  During presentations I saw some of the programs my classmates made, and none of them even bothered to change the default font and window color, let alone use images like I did.  Got an A for all 3 classes.

So I’m hoping the instructors will just continue their pattern of being wowed by basic css skills and a bit of photoshop knowledge and hopefully we’ll get a good grade even if we don’t finish everything.  

God I really feel so much better after seeing that.  I’m a horrible person.  I shouldn’t be feeling better because my classmates aren’t doing well.  But I just can’t help it.

[aeroknot]

here have 1,740 words out of 17,600 words of narusaku headcanon

.............i’m goin’ in deep y’all sry not sry (ok i AM kinda sry to those on mobile who have to scroll past this....... i wish mobile didn’t suck like that so you can avoid watching me be a huge dweeb instead of pro’lly what you decided to follow me for hnnnnggh)

these are 2 separate moments I came up with that I eventually tied together after some editing (/fantasizing about my own ideas) passes:

at a gathering with their friends, they both got insufferably cocky about a game involving pairs against pairs, and the stakes kept rising, eventually hinging on some pretty risky bets. when they lost, they were mortified in having to eat the brightly colored crow their friends (conspirators, the useless lot of them!) came up with. they had to temporarily dye their hair the other’s hair color, and couldn’t wash it out for a whole week (or use a genjutsu?). so sakura had to work around the hospital with blonde hair, and pink-haired naruto was at the mercy of his sharp-tongued genin students. people wonder if sakura meant to and if she wants to look more like her shishou, which is cool and all, but most everyone says they like her pink hair better, which is a relief. The most annoying part is the humiliation she feels since she had to do it as the result of her own hubris. he complains about the relentless teasing savagery of his genin students while they’re walking along the canal on their last evening of this punishment, but admits to sakura he doesn’t mind the hair so much and shares he’s often wondered what it’d be like to have his mother’s hair, and pink is similarly distinctive and beautiful and in the same color family. It’s the first comparison of one of her features to his mother’s he speaks aloud, and his heart starts racing because he momentarily forgets she doesn’t know about his mother’s words to find a girl like her. Completely unaware of his thoughts and sudden nervousness, she serenely replies, “I’m sorry she’s not here to experience how sweet her son can be to her… I wonder if she would have liked me? I think I’d have liked her” she actually doesn’t take his silence personally, sort of because she doesn’t think what she said requires a response, but mostly because she’s distracted. they get around some trees at the edge of the pathway right at that moment, allowing a beautiful view of the brilliantly warm-toned sunset. she makes a noise of appreciation and with a childlike wonder he hasn’t seen on her in a little while, she cheerily says, “this sunset has all our colors, Naruto!” “Yeah” he says, a little breathless. “All our colors.” He watches her until she notices (trrrooopey as fuuuuuuck, i know, shut up) and smiles real big at him but humorously admonishes, “Don’t look at me, weirdo! You see me all the time, but you don’t see the same sunset twice” then she faces it again. So he puts his hands in his pockets to stop their quivering as the scene soaks in and suddenly it’s just really hard to see her green eyes with his blonde hair. he turns to take in the sunset too, and he thinks, “she would have loved you, Sakura… we can bet on it” (originally all i’d written here was the first paragraph, and then I think my subconscious LEAPT OUT AT ME the next time I read it to provide this sunset scene -- they’re my rainbow sherbet fighting dreamers ninja family!!!)

~ & ~

In my headcanon world, Naruto and Sakura have five kids, two of which are adopted and three conceived. * I want to note here that I almost never go the “lots and lots of babies” route w/ my otp’s. 3 out of my top 5 do not go on to have kids in my interpretations of them. But for Naruto and Sakura it makes sense, and this is especially based in my conviction he would want to adopt and he would want a big family to experience the exact opposite of his childhood. So, yeah, 5 makes a lot of sense to me. I tend to think they are resistant to the idea of kids for a while bc of the threats to their lives, but they eventually decide they both really want to have kids after fostering two boys and it’s so hard to eventually let them go on to their adoptive parents. Sooo.. their youngest are twins; they’re named Konohana and Sakuya. And my reasoning for this, as well as for all the other names, is pretty in depth. Here: I first heard about Konohana from @yellowflasher‘s great fanfics. She has a Konohana and Kae (not twins), and I asked her once if she named Konohana after the myth, and she said she actually hadn’t seen or heard it before. It obviously stuck with me tho!! Uzumaki Konohana = from the Konohanasakuya-hime mythology. I just discovered with this name theme of using myths I coulda inadvertently referenced Kushina and Minato as well!! -- Kushina’s name could have been derived from Kushinadahime, a goddess of rice/life, and Susanoo is her husband, the god of STORMS aka Namikaze Minato. (Maybe other peeps in the fandom already knew this but I’m late to the party. Oh well! I was shocked when I learned this yesterday.) And it honors Konohagakure, and honors Sakura: ‘flower’ is part of the name. Konohana was conceived (twin to Sakuya)

Uzumaki Sakuya = from the Konohanasakuya-hime mythology. And see above for the comments about the possible Kushina/Minato connection. And it honors Sakura: it’s literally 2/3rds her name; one different ending syllable. & naruto calls her Momo-chan, and I explain why below.

After deciding all this, I came up with this moment: Naruto and Sakura love the names from the princess myth but also love they are referring to Konoha and Sakura. tho, because Sakuya can sometimes sound too similar to Sakura, confusingly so-- and as Naruto’s the only one who has to say both names in the household (y’know, because it’s either “Sakuya” or “mom” said by everyone else, the kids don’t call her Sakura) -- he often calls her “Momo-chan.” as a kid she’s not sure why but just rolls with it and then one day in her later childhood it dawns on her: orange + pink = peach (note: momo means the fruit and momo-iro means the color but I think naruto would just keep it short and simple as momo-- he’d probably argue an orange plus a cherry equals a peach anyway, somehow……... hahhh! I actually looked it up and peaches are in the same genus as cherries and apricots, and apricots are orange :P not that naruto would know this but sakura would be like me and probs research it lol). Sakura expresses concern that Konohana will feel jealous or excluded if he doesn’t give her a nickname too, and he forlornly / guiltily (at having not even thought of that) approaches Konohana with this. She’s rather young to be considering this so thoughtfully -- maybe 4 or 5 -- but her answer never changes as she grows up (though the vocabulary / phrasing she uses might mature…. But I say might, haha); “don’t change me; I love my name!! it is like our home so it means I will become hokage like daddy!! and it is like flowers like mommy’s flower so it means people are happy and have a party when i show up!!” (she’s talking about hanami) naruto immediately bursts into tears bc holy shit he just loves this kid so!! much!!! ( ᵒ̴̶̷̥́ _ᵒ̴̶̷̣̥̀ ) sakura’s doing better at keeping it together, tho not by much, lmao

Some months into the nickname of Momo-chan settling in, there’s a morning where it’s brought into question again. while sakura and naruto are folding laundry, the twins rush in from the backyard to show them something they’re excited about in their grubby cupped hands. “Look! loo~oook! polli-wolly-wogs!!” (tadpoles-- i have great affection for this term for them bc mei in the english dub of totoro calls them that, and totoro is a defining touchstone of my young childhood) naruto intones, “eeehhhh? How cool, konohana-chan!! Momo-chan! Maybe uncle Gamakichi knows ‘em, huh?” and they laugh and stick their tongues out at him, “he’s not our uncle! He’s a toad!” yet they’re making ribbiting sounds as they run off to return the tadpoles. Sakuya trips and just narrowly regains her footing at the last moment to prevent toppling herself and the tadpoles across the floor. “careful, momo-chan!” Naruto offers in a loud voice, but calmly-- he holds back his concern, as he’s learned that a lot of the time kids decide whether they should cry based on their parents’ reactions, namely whether they freak out a lot, and he’s done a lot of freaking out, and is trying something new now, pfft. He watches her right herself, check on the tadpoles in her hands, nod once firmly and give a determined “mm!” in acknowledgement of his caution, and they scamper off. 

So then Sakura asks, with some humor in her voice even tho she’s going for annoyed: “naruto, why’d we even name her sakuya if you’re just gonna keep calling her momo-chan?” “aahh, sakura-chan. She’s just little momo to her daddy. Out in the real world she’ll be called the name inspired by her mind-blowing mom.” the tinge of pink on her cheeks does not get past him and the side of his mouth starts to twitch into a smirk. He roguishly continues with, “I thought about making you the one I address with a nickname instead, but all the ones I could come up with aren’t appropriate in front of the kids” she tries to look aghast but she’s fighting her mutinous mouth starting to veer into a big smile, and to distract his gaze away from this very visible and losing battle across her face, she twists a towel and snaps it at him. They play fight until they fall onto the bed, halfway into the now half-undone laundry. They rest a little bit, soaking in the calm moment, his upper body on top of her lower body-- resting his head on her stomach and holding her around her waist. Her eyes are closed and she’s absent-mindedly running her fingers through his hair. Then he softly voices, “little peach... she’s our colors, Sakura.” and she does vividly remember the sunset he’s recalling. She answers with his words from years ago: “Yeah. our colors.”

(god i’m really driving home this rainbow sherbet ninja family theme aren’t i???? Don’t care!!!! I love it!!! They are my faves they deserve everything I have to offer!!!!)

THE END.

(....except not bc..... there’s...... uh..... 15860 words left...... yeah those figures..... weren’t hyperbolic, i am actually that much of a dork)

[cassiecantyousee]

Evacuation Nation

Exactly two weeks ago, I got in my car and drove out of the Florida Keys. It was a bizarre experience, and I’ll probably be processing it for a while, but I wanted to get at least some of my thoughts down before they become too hazy. So this is part diary entry, part reassuring everyone who has spent the last two weeks saying “oh my gosh don’t you live in the Keys are you okay?!?!”

So to start off: yes! I am okay! And I can now check “survived a hurricane” off my bucket list. Now that that’s out of the way, here’s what happened:

I went to bed on Sunday, September 3rd not really giving a second thought to Irma. The storm looked like it was going to head up the east coast, like Matthew had last year. And Matthew had barely affected the Keys at all; I had spent the evening Matthew “hit” painting and hanging out with friends. I assumed Irma would be more of the same. So I went to bed without a care in the world, and calmly drove to work Monday ready to start my week (yes, I worked on Labor Day. I take care of live animals, remember?).

The news that greeted my coworker and me when we booted up the computer that morning was…not great. Turned out Irma had shifted in the night, and was now headed straight for the Keys. It had also grown insanely huge, and was expected to reach Category 5 sooner rather than later. In case you aren’t familiar with the Keys, we’re a bunch of tiny rocky islands and anything higher than a Category 2 can be pretty devastating. That being said, hurricanes usually skirt around the Keys, either heading up the Atlantic coast or looping through the Gulf. We haven’t been hit by a major storm in a long time, but everyone still clearly remembered the damage from Wilma and Andrew. By noon Monday, it was pretty clear we were going to have to evacuate. I called my parents at lunch, reminded them I had a good car with brand new tires, and that I knew lots of people in Florida I could stay with. In the afternoon we started strategizing and prepping all the fish tanks, thinking that we would have another few days at least before we really had to leave. We also spent a lot of time refreshing spaghetti models and sort of laughing hysterically (hysterical laughter became a reoccurring theme throughout this whole process). I drove home at the end of the day, and started half-heartedly sorting through my clothes, telling myself I would really start making decisions on Tuesday.

Tuesday morning, we had a mandatory staff meeting. While I work in Key West, I live near the lab and the most recent models had Irma headed straight for us. And it was now EVEN BIGGER. There were talks of breaking records, and a few hyperbolic rumors of creating a new “Category 6” (these proved to be false, but not as far fetched as we might have hoped!). Priority one was making sure we all had a way to get out of the Keys, and somewhere to go once we reached the mainland. At the risk of getting too sappy, it was really heartwarming to see everyone I work with step right up to support each other. There were offers of rides and food and places to sleep, and before we knew it everyone had a plan. Then we moved into full on hurricane prep mode, and I drove down to Key West.

Probably the most surreal part of the whole thing was Tuesday morning at the Eco Center. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to give all the tanks their best possible chance of surviving through the storm. Meanwhile, we were still open, and tourists kept coming in and asking me for things like restaurant recommendations. Cue more hysterical laughter. At noon, we finally officially closed.

I spent the rest of the afternoon prepping the Eco Center and making phone calls and trying not to freak out. My coping mechanism of choice was blasting the new Kesha album (a coping mechanism I 100% recommend, because that album is incredible). My inner monologue went something like: “Where are the D batteries …yes, Mom, there’s gas in my car…I HOPE YOU’RE SOMEWHERE PRAAAAAAAYIN’…should I move the lionfish to the big tank or will it eat everybody…I HOPE YOUR SOUL IS CHAAAAAANGIN’…is that fish acting weird or am I acting weird.” And repeat. For hours. Then, I drove home.

Sorting through my stuff at my house is an experience I never want to repeat. I didn’t want to be paranoid, but reliable sources were forecasting a Category 5 storm headed directly for my house, and my house is ground level. It didn’t look good. So I had to decide what I wanted to load into my car, and what I wanted to leave behind. Most of my clothes quickly dropped in priority, as I realized that I seriously need a wardrobe overhaul. I’ve worked at field stations too long and most of my clothes are free souvenir t-shirts with paint on them. But all my books went straight into the back of my car, as well as some craft supplies and favorite wall art. Some of the books I didn’t even care about that much, but the idea of leaving them to be ravaged by a hurricane was so horrifying to me that I took them all anyway. Once everything was packed, I took a shower, put my betta fish in a gallon jug (really), and got in my car. I took a long look at my little blue house, trying to absorb it and prepare for the worst, but I’m not sure it really sunk in.

As I drove up the Keys I caught myself thinking things like, “Will that house still be there? Will I be able to go to that restaurant again? Will this bridge hold up?” Then I would snap myself out of it for a little while, and tell myself not to be so morbid. I’m a positive, happy person! What was wrong with me? But I didn’t want to miss appreciating the Keys as they were, just in case. It’s a strange line to walk, and I’m not sure I walked it well. So I talked to my parents, listened to music, and tried to think of it as a vacation. But the guilt at leaving all my critters behind was hard. I knew that I had given them the best chance, and that trying to move them would be worse for them than the storm, but I couldn’t help but feel that I abandoned them. Every time I passed any of the various and numerous animal centers in the Keys it was like a punch to the gut.

I spent Tuesday night with some wonderful friends in Boca, where we watched the news and laughed hysterically some more. Then the next morning I headed up to my aunt and uncle’s house in Orlando. By Wednesday afternoon, I was officially evacuated. As of Monday night, I hadn’t even planned on STARTING to evacuate until Thursday morning. Irma got serious real quick.

This is the part of the story where I start feeling guilty for a different reason: I had a really nice time in Orlando. I know a lot of people (most people even) had a very stressful time, and were couch surfing and staying in hotels, but I got an actual bed and got to hang out with family. I spent the week eating really good vegan food, watching documentaries, and reading books. We even went to a play! Then on Sunday morning, Irma hit the Keys.

I had already watched Irma pass over the Turks and Caicos, where I studied abroad, and that was hard enough. There was extensive damage, but thankfully no fatalities. At this point Irma had changed tracks a couple of times, so we weren’t entirely sure how directly the Keys were going to be hit. As it turned out, the eye of the storm passed directly over my house. That experience was surreal. After all the uncertainty, all the hopes, I had to sit on a couch in Orlando and watch one of the biggest storms in history go exactly where I hadn’t wanted it to go. I kept thinking of my little blue house, and how much I loved it, and how much we had all worked fixing it up over the last two years. I got weirdly focused on the fact that I had left my giant bottle of mouthwash in the bathroom cabinet (I just bought it! What a waste!). By Sunday evening, I was a mess. I was tired, stressed, and going a bit stir crazy. And Irma hadn’t even hit Orlando yet.

In the end, that may have worked in my favor. Irma was downgraded to a Category 2 by the time in reached Orlando, and at that point I was sort of done with emotions. I’d spent them all already. I was a little concerned about tornadoes, but honestly? I just wanted to go to bed. So if you were hoping for a vivid personal account of the actual storm, you’re out of luck. I essentially said “Only a Category 2? Whatever.” and passed out (after more hysterical laughter, of course). Seriously, I slept through the whole thing. Apparently a tornado touched down about four miles north of me, but I didn’t even know that happened until days later. We lost power, and had some downed tree debris, but the whole neighborhood got together to help clean it up. It was actually kind of nice. Plus, my uncle had bought an inverter for his electric car, so we had power without having to worry about a generator. We could power the fridge, fans, charge any and all electronic devices, and even set up a wireless hotspot to get online. We had a pretty sweet setup.

The rest, you probably know. There was widespread devastation in the Keys, and they closed the whole county. I ended up flying north to see my parents (and reassure them that I was alive!), waiting for things to reopen. I’ve been watching everything secondhand, just like everybody else. I will say that social media has been HUGELY helpful in all of this. Those safety check-ins helped me sleep at night.

Miraculously, my house seems to have escaped serious damage. I’ll finally get back to the Keys Thursday morning, and I know seeing the destruction first hand is going to be hard (even through there has already been a lot of recovery!). I may write another post once I see everything for myself, but for now, know that I am safe and well. I still have a place to live (even if it currently doesn’t have any power or running water!), and I’m headed back to work.

Stay safe everyone, and think about donating to various recovery funds. Especially Caribbean islands getting hit again by hurricane Maria.

[cupcakeshakesnake]

Watching The Lie of the Land for the first time

Episode aired more than two weeks ago, still, spoilers below the cut

-Well the monks might have caused a ton of bullshit in the last episode but at least they haven’t been complete tyrants in the alternate history they made

-As in, they didn’t kill the entire effing planet

-exCUSE ME THE DOCTOR DEFEATED THE DALEKS AND WHATNOT

Earth History v.2, featuring BBC’s Photoshop skills.

-ah nevermind

Featuring... THE MONK OF RIO instead of Jesus

oh shit doctor

-Who made you record this

-Why

-Are you being tortured right now

-Did someone lock you up

the fuck WHAT DID THEY DO

-...wow

-So for some reason she is not affected by the monks and seeing through the false history

BILL??!!?!

-Okay but how long did it take Pearl Mackie to straighten her hair

Stop with the glitches, you’re freaking me out

Two statues in one town is a bit too much don’t you think

DOCTOR STOP FREAKING ME OUT WITH THAT SMILE AND THAT TONE OF VOICE

-It’s been a while since I was this worried about an episode even before the intros

BILL’S MUM IS ALIVE?!!

-Well this is one dystopian univese.

-Okay, I’m actually tearing up. Not downright crying, I don’t really do that for some reason (and if I say something like I’M CRYIGHN;; anywhere it’s just a metaphor) but this.

-Imagine the pain of being one of the few, if not the only one, in this entire world who knows what actually happened, but no one believes you nor is it wise for your own being if you let loose your knowledge. Imagine watching the people you might have known, the people you knew once shared the same knowledge and lived in the same universe as you did, completely brainwashed, and not even aware of it. You’re the only one around who knows that things had been better for them.

-And your college professor/alien is (apparently) locked up in an interrogation chamber somewhere and forced to make propaganda videos.

-Come back, Doctor. Please come back.

-...And then your mother suddenly disappears...

tHANK GOODNESS (but also hahahahasd)

aw yiss

-the what now

-so Bill’s mum wasn’t actually there?

-That’s... really sad.

-I think you guys should cover your windows with your curtains

-”Found it in the Tardis. Yeah, it was in one of the drawers with some old takeaway menus and fifty Danish krone.”

-Bill stop punching Nardole <:P

-”His son is serving ten years in a labour camp for possession of a box of comics.”

-Well that’s bullshit, I take back what I said about the Monks earlier. Literally the only thing they did well is not committing genocide (unless they edged on Hitler to cause the Holocaust.)

Yikes. Quite the ominous entrance for a ‘savior’ type of species, wouldn’t you say?

I have bad feelings already. Whovian intuition

-Okay, so if they locked him up and forced him to do broadcasts all day that would be horrible but WHAT IF HE WAS BRAINWASHED TOO OR CONTROLLED IN SOME WAY, THAT WOULD BE EVEN WORSE

-WHAT IF BILL AND NARDOLE WALK IN TO FINS THE DOCTOR SEEMINGLY COMPLETELY SIDING WITH THE MONKS

-I HAVE THE EPISODE ON PAUSE AND I AM TAKING MY TIME TO FREAK OUT

-Monk: “Hello, who is this?”  Doctor: “Epsilon. Fire. Jupiter. Lily.“  Monk: “K gotcha fam, I’m going over”

Why is his suit so ragged again

-(Okay, at this point I went away for lunch, and I had to close all windows because I’m using a library computer, and when I came back and tried to find the approximate point where I left off I accidentally ran into the regeneration bit - the one they showed in the trailer - and a little bit of me died on the spot)

-”It's like that time we discovered that huge fish creature in the, in the Seine in Paris.”  ...?

-”And whose fault was that, huh? I didn't ask for my sight back. No, you took it upon yourself to ignore me, to do what you thought was best. All I can say is that we are lucky it was a benevolent race like the Monks, not the Daleks. Yes, I know the Monks are ruthless. I get that. Yes, they play with history and I'm not exactly thrilled about that. But they bring peace and order.“ Ooph.

-But I can’t shake off the feeling that the Monks aren’t just here out of good will, and they’re actually planning something bad for humanity for their own gain. Because so far none of their actions seem to directly benefit them in any way except gaining humanity’s respect, and this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense since they have shown themselves to be not that benevolent.

-I’m very confused and worried

?!!!?!1?!?!?!!?11?!??what?!?!?!???!!

?!??!!?!?1?!!?!??!?!?!???ㅇㅁㅇ??!?!?!!!!

-...what the fuck....

Holy shit...

-So yeah I know he’s not regenerating until the finale or the Christmas special but my worry levels have gone all the way up to 100 nonetheless

SHIT it’s the bit from the trailer

-Okay

HUEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

-Twelve, your Ten is showing.

what  thank fucking goodness

me right now

the owl is proud.

-he is a proud alien pap.

-Anyway, *breathes in* *breathes out* THANK FUCKING GOODNESS.

-”And there's loads of them. I could do with a Strepsil.“  I looked it up and Strepsil’s a throat pill. Okay. I get the joke now.

-(I don’t really get how guns work but what does ‘blank’ ammo exactly mean? Bill fired the gun and something came out, didn’t it?)

-”I called the kitchen. Oh, could you pop down and explain it to them? They're going to be really confused.“

-In that case, lemme do this again:  Cook: “Hello, what I do for you?”  Doctor: “Epsilon. Fire. Jupiter. Lily.“  Cook: “...???”

-”Oh my God I am going to beat the SH-”

-Second time Bill has ALMOST spoken the s- word in this show y’all

-”The only person I know almost as smart as me.”  “Oh. Oh, I see. Blimey. Has it really come to that?“

-Oh boy.  Are we gonna see Missy?

-”We could have snuck back in, but the Doctor being the Doctor...”

*hijacks huge ship* *runs - or sails - straight into a bridge* *crazed laughter* Yep, that’s the Doctor alright.

-I think I hear a bit of 11′s theme in there too

-”OH MAN I HAVEN’T DONE THIS IN YEARS”  “Doctor you were in there for only six months”

-Kinda random, but I’m wondering if they ever repaired the wall after the UN broke into his office.

THE VAULT IS FINALLY OPEN

-AFTER SEVEN EPISODES IT’S OPEN

-”But it’s just a woman.”  you think

-"The way you and Nardole have been carrying on, I thought you had some kind of monster in here, or something!”  “I do.”

-”Wait a sec. Why have you got a woman locked in a vault? Because even I think that's weird, and I've been attacked by a puddle.“  “She's going cold turkey from being bad.”

-THE STATUES ACTUALLY HAD A PURPOSE

-THERE WAS A REASON THEY HAD ALL THOSE STUPID GODDAMN STUATUES

-FORESHADOWING

-”The Monks put up statues in every town square, and every park, and every playground.”  ...Playgrounds. Really.

-”Oh well then it’s sorted. Just kill them.”  Welp

there goes that plan

-”Well, at this point, all that was left of the bloodline was a wee girl, and I just pushed her into a volcano.“  oh wow

-”You'd be a husk. Completely and irrevocably brain-dead. You couldn't even get on Celebrity Love Island.“  AHAHAHAHAHHAHAA

-Did the Doctor just walk through that forcefield

-Well what was the point of said forcefield

missy is taller than twelve??

-”I could even throw in some other stuff. The things that I could change just by thinking. Racism. People who talk in cinemas.”  Please do

-”Are you sure? This would be an incredibly sophisticated transmitter, powerful enough to beam highly detailed propaganda to the entire world twenty four hours a day, and you're going to plug your brain into it?” “I know. It doesn't stand a chance.“  WOOHOO!

-”Now, have you all got your stereo headphone i--thing?“

-Oh shit that guy’s player is broken

Nardole has stars on his earphones :D

-Tarovian Neck Pinch. Yeah, I er, I studied their martial arts for a while, actually. Yeah, reached the level of Brown Tabard. Can't do it with this hand though. Kind of bugs me. Course, this wasn't my original hand, as you know. I won this in a game of -- yeah, let's crack on.”

Interesting visuals.

oh holy shit

-holy shit that’s one hell of a mindpower

HE’S DOWN, I REPEAT, THE DOCTOR IS DOWN!!

-”I don't want our last conversation to be this.”  ”I don't want this to be our last conversation.”

-Oh god it’s dark again

-dsssaskkldasjkadsjkladjkl

one ugly head you got there

oh shit

-I’m stoked for two reasons:  1. This whole scene.  2. The fact that the whole Bill’s mum side story in episode 1 was foreshadowing.

they’re still at it

-”Bill’s mum, you just went viral.”

haha what

-The pyramid was a spaceship? I wasn’t expecting that.

“You, appalling hair.”

-Well excuse me let me remind you of your sixth incarnation

-And tbh that hair kinda looks like Missy’s

-”Er, we thought they were just like filming something here or something?“  Realistic dialogue, that’s actually what a late teen would say, 10/10

-”Thank you. Very helpful. Now go away, or something.“  HA HA HA

-The funny thing is that at the moment the Doctor says “-or something” in the episode, distant laughter can be heard.

-”Why do you put up with us, then?”  "In amongst seven billion, there's someone like you. That's why I put up with the rest of them.“  Aww.

Awwwww

She’s- crying? She’s, actually, crying.

“I keep remembering all the people I've killed. Every day I think of more. Being bad, being bad drowned that out. I didn't know I even knew their names. You didn't tell me about this bit.” “I'm sorry, but this is good.” ... "Okay.”

[thefictionlady]

Lessons in Love 2: Commencement - Chapter Thirty Seven

“I was thinking, maybe Jasmine and Aladdin or Danny and Sandy from Grease. Oooh! Or Daisy and Gatsby!” As I sat on the floor between Justin’s legs, I scrolled through Pinterest looking at couples’ Halloween costume ideas.  “We could do Greek mythology…like Zeus and Nemesis or Aphrodite, or one of his many other hoes…” “I wanna do something funny, though. Like Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy,” he said as he lathered his hands with moisturizer. I rolled my eyes as Justin mentioned characters from one of his favorite comedies.  “This is my first Halloween in LA so I wanna be something cute or sexy, especially if we’re going to one of those big parties.”  Regardless of where we ended up going I knew I wanted to look dope. “We don’t have to do a couple’s costume. If you wanna do Blades of Glory, that’s fine.  I could be something else.” “But babe,” Justin whined as he ran his hands through a section of my hair, coating the freshly washed and oiled strands with the creamy moisturizer.  After begging me to teach him, Justin insisted on twisting my hair every once in a while.  Even though he wasn’t great at it, I appreciated the effort and it was nice to just feel his fingers running through my hair. I’d probably just end up wearing it up tomorrow anyway.  “This is our first Halloween as a couple,” he continued.  “We should do something together.” I couldn’t help my smile as Justin manipulated my hair into a two strand twist.  “Well we’ll have to compromise.  But I wanted to ask you something,” I said, changing the subject. “What do you think about having our families come for Thanksgiving?  I just think it’s time to get our families together.”  Justin and I have officially been together for just about nine months, but after everything we’ve been through over the last two years, it’s really felt like forever.  Bringing our families together just seemed long overdue. “I think that’s an awesome idea, baby.” Justin kissed my temple then continued with my hair.  We could have Chef Gina do a whole spread.” “Nah.  Thanksgiving should be cooked by hand by us… I dunno.  I’ll figure it out.”  Cooking is a big deal in my family, on both sides. We put our love into our cooking and we show we care with food.  I didn’t always subscribe to traditional gender roles and believed in balance, but cooking for Justin and our families also showed a level of responsibility that would impress them and put their worries at ease. “Who all do you wanna invite?” “My dad and maybe my grandma.  Jeremy and Patty, and the kids if it’s cool with their mom..  Just something small and intimate.  I think it’ll be nice.  Wait…” I paused.  “Do y’all Canadians even celebrate Thanksgiving?”  The thought hadn’t even occurred to me. “Of course we do.  Just not the same day.  It was a couple days ago, actually.” “What?!” I whipped around, pulling my hair from his hands.  “Why didn’t you say anything?  We could have done something nice.  J, I’m so sorry.” “Would you please sit still?”  Justin adjusted my shoulders so that my back was to him again.  “It’s not a big deal. I’ve been living in the US for so long that I just celebrate it in November now.” It’s weird to me that they even celebrate Thanksgiving in October.  “What do you eat?  In my head I’m picturing Tim Horton’s and poutine.” Justin yanked on my hair.  “Shut up,” he said with a chuckle.  “Obviously we eat turkey…and drink maple syrup.  We’re Canadian, eh.”

Halloween I only went trick-or-treating a few times as a kid.  My mom was never a fan of Halloween so she never wanted to take me.  On the off chance that my begging would work, I’d go with Drea and her mom.  So I was probably a little too excited to go when Justin told me his siblings were coming and we’d get to take them out.  Not wanting to miss out on my goddaughter’s first Halloween either, I had Drea, Aaliyah, and Dougie flown in for the weekend. The four of us and the three kids got dressed up and set out to collect candy in The Oaks.  Even though I drive in and out of this neighborhood every day, I felt like I was seeing these homes for the first time as we walked up to each one. Every home in The Estates at The Oaks was different, customized to the tastes of the owners.  Grand in both size and style, each home spanned nearly a block. They were so spread apart that it took a minute or two to walk to each one.  Despite there only being a few homes in this Calabasas community, I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it to each one. The kids had elaborate costumes, totally outdoing the adults.  “Spin around and let me see your Elsa costume,” Drea said to Jazmyn.  The little girl twirled in her sparkling blue dress, so excited to finally be dressed as the Disney ice princess.  Her younger brother ran up and down sidewalk, flapping his Batman cape as if he could fly.  Dougie pulled Aaliyah in a wagon and she looked absolutely adorable in her cute little strawberry costume.  In keeping with the fruit theme Drea donned a ridiculous banana suit and Dougie was dressed as a pineapple.  “We’re a fruit basket,” Dougie had said when they’d all emerged rom their guest room ready to take pictures. Despite the outlandishly large mansions, the families at each one gave out a handful of candy just like in any other neighborhood.  “I half expected them to be giving out iPhones or silver spoons,��� Drea said with a laugh. “Girl, me too,” I said, adjusting my cat ears. The adults were saving their fancy costumes for the big Halloween party tomorrow night.  Justin just threw on a plaid shirt and a cowboy hat, all things that he already owned, and called himself a sheriff. “I can’t wait for us to be able to do family costumes like y’all,” I mused, mostly to myself.  I couldn’t help but be a little jealous of all the parents and their kids dressed in adorable themes, hoping one day I’d be among them with kids of my own. “Have you been thinking about having kids again?” “No, not really.  I mean, sorta.  I dunno,” I shrugged.  “Every time I see Justin around children my ovaries start freaking the fuck out,” I whispered.  Justin and Dougie had taken the kids up to knock on the next door while Andrea and I stayed on the sidewalk, out of hearing distance.  “I obviously want kids someday.  Justin and I are nowhere near ready to even have this conversation. We’re just trying to make it into the next week, but I just can’t help the baby fever I get every now and then.”   Our relationship is so tumultuous and unpredictable, but I looked forward to growing with him.  No matter what we go through, we’re always improving for the better.  But I’m not focused on the future.  “I am enjoying it just being the two of us, learning more about each other and strengthening who we are as a couple.  It’s just, my clock is ticking and…you know what? I sound like an idiot.  Let me stop.” “You’re not an idiot,” my best friend said as the guys walked back down with the kids.   “I think it’s normal to think about kids.  But you’ve got plenty of time.” “Babe!” Justin hollered, eyes wide, holding onto Jaxon’s candy bucket as he ran down the walkway.  “The lady gave out full sized candy bars!  Like the big ones!  We should have gotten our own bags…”  He held up a large Snickers.  “See!?” Jaxon glared at his older brother with his little hands on his hips.  “That’s my candy!” “We can share, buddy.” “My kid can’t even eat candy yet so this is all mine,” Dougie bragged. “Bro, you got like two giant Snickers!” Justin tried to peek into Aaliyah’s bucket.  “It’s not fair that all the babies get all the best candy and they don’t even have teeth.” I shook my head silently as Drea gave me a knowing glance and Justin and Dougie negotiated a candy trade deal.  With a sigh I smiled to myself.  We have our hands full with two big ass kids already. By the time we got back to the house, Jax and Jazzy were bouncing off the walls having already eaten what looks like pounds of candy.  We all should have known better than to let them eat so much of it but we weren’t paying attention until it was too late. Now they are running around like psychos, screaming because we took their candy away and keeping the baby awake who is now hollering too.  I swear this has to be a record for going from angelic to demonic in 0.2 seconds. “That’s not fair!” Jazzy kept screaming with tears streaming down her face as if the world had ended.  Jaxon was no better, throwing a fit and kicking Justin in the shins as he pried the candy bucket out of his little angry hands. Since the guys were in charge of the monitoring the candy, it was their job to get all of them to calm down and into bed. As I rubbed my temples, I plopped down on the couch next to my best friend who’d already poured each of us a glass of whiskey.  She’s smart.  Wine just wasn’t going to cut it. “Still want those kids right now?” she asked with a smirk. “Nah, I think I’m good for a while.” There was no better birth control than some loud misbehaving kids.

JPOV When we pulled up to the house I paused before turning to my mom in the back of the SUV.  “She’s a little stressed today, so just be chill, okay?”  My mom could have driven herself to my place but I figured she’d appreciate being picked up for the fancy Thanksgiving dinner we’re having. Despite everything I’d said, Yadira insisted on doing everything herself rather than letting me hire a chef.  I just figured it’d be nice to spend time with your family instead of slaving away in the kitchen.  But what do I know? And of course she’s been freaking out all weak. From a chaotic paparazzi filled trip to the grocery store to a gridlocked trip to the airport, things have been quite stressful for her.  Everyone knows that stress can take its toll on her.  Fortunately, once her dad was in town she seemed to be a little more at ease, but the pressure of our parents meeting for the first time was freaking her out again. “I’m chill,” my mom scoffed, trying way too hard to be cool.  Things between them were civil, even friendly now, but I know the both of them were still a little on edge in each other’s presence. With a roll of my eyes I left the car and my mom followed.  As soon as I opened the door I could smell the food.  Yadira’s been at it all day.  “Pattie!” she exclaimed as she came around the corner.  “It’s so good to see you!”  She pulled my mom into a hug with a big smile. “Likewise! And that dress is so pretty,” my mom replied.  Yadira twirled around in her orange DVF dress.  Even though I told her that she didn’t need to get dressed up, she insisted and forced me to dress up too.  I just threw on a grey sweater and some dark jeans that didn’t have any holes in them, you know, the dressy kind.  But I shouldn’t complain.  She looks cute in her little homemaker dress or whatever. “Babe, you need anything?” I asked, already knowing her answer. “Don’t worry.  Just spend some time with your mom. Dinner is almost ready.”  She scurried away and left me and my mom standing in the foyer. “Wow, this is just so…beautiful,” my mom said as we walked by the dining room all the glasses, plates and silverware (bought by Yadira specifically for this occasion) were set nicely around an elaborate centerpiece. “I actually helped with this part,” I said proudly. Our dads were watching football in the den with kids messing around in the corner.  My dad wasn’t really big into football, but he seemed to be having fun with Carmello.  To be honest, I was nervous about them meeting.  They’re just so…different. But so far so good. As we approached Yadira’s dad stood off the couch, followed by my dad.  Carmello towered over my mom, more than most people did, making her seem childlike next to him. “Mr. Bernard, this is my mom, Pattie.”   With his giant hands and long arms, he reached out to pull my mother into a hug. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. Both of you.” Our parents settled on the couch discussing boring shit like the weather and traffic in LA.  “Are you enjoying Los Angeles?”  Yadira’s dad came a few days ago to spend some time with his daughter and explore the city. “I’m loving the weather.  It’s a nice break from the cold.”   Boredom swept over me and I felt my eyeballs glazing over. When they were too deep into a conversation about the difference between Canadian and American Thanksgiving traditions, I slipped away into the kitchen to check on my girl.  She’d managed to refuse help from everyone all day except her grandmother who was making some sort of salad off to the side. “Justin, please go sit!” Yadira waved me off, stirring something on stove. “Let me help,” I said, noting the stress on her face. “No!” she snapped.  “You need to mingle with our parents.” I dunno why she kept thinking we couldn’t leave them alone or something.  “They’ll be fine. They can entertain themselves.”  Even if she didn’t want my help, I was happy to just stand in the kitchen inhaling all the mouth-watering smells.  “Oh my God, I’m starving!”  The words tumbled out of my mouth with a growl as if spoken by my stomach.  Driven by hunger, I tore off a corner of a cornbread muffin and shoved it into my mouth. “Fuck, Justin! Stop!” At first she caught me off guard, but I knew better than to take it personally. Since meeting Ya, I’ve learned that anxiety comes in many forms.  Even my own.  Sometimes getting upset was how she coped. Her grandma Ella, on the other hand, wasn’t as understanding. “Enough, Yadira! You’ve been rude and bratty all afternoon.” It’s true.  Our morning started out fine, but as the cooking went on Yadira became stressed and her attitude began to show. “This is why I didn’t want anyone in here with me,” she grumbled not so softly under her breath. “Relax, babe!” I intervened, trying to prevent a fight.  Under normal circumstances, Yadira would never speak to her grandmother with that tone so I knew she must be feeling like she was under a lot of pressure. “It’s not that serious. It’s just food.” She scoffed. “I didn’t ask for either of you to—ow, shit!”  As she was chopping onions she sliced right into her finger.  As her eyes filled with tears, her grandma rushed over with a paper towel. “I’ve got it, Miss Ella,” I said, wrapping my arms around Yadira’s shoulders.  “Let’s get you a band aid.”  I could tell she was trying so hard not to let the water in her eyes spill over onto her cheeks and I could tell those tears were for much more than just the pain from her cut. When we got to the guest bathroom, I closed the door behind us before rummaging under the sink for the first aid kit. “I don’t have time for this,” she mumbled with a sniffle.  “The macaroni and cheese is going to burn.” Paying her worry no mind, I found the kit and pat the edge of the counter for her to sit down.  “I’m sure your grandma’s got it under control. Chill.” Yadira’s wound was bleeding through the paper towel and was probably going to need much more than a band aid. “Besides,” I continued.  “That cut looks worse that I think you realize. Rinse your finger.” With a frown, she followed my order while I looked through the kit for the necessary supplies to tend to my wounded lady. “Is there blood on my dress?”  She looked down at her dress frantically while keeping her I injured hand under the faucet. “Your dress is fine.  You look great.  Come, sit back down.”  I gave her some tissues as she moved to sit back on top of the bathroom counter. “Now you wanna tell me what’s going on?” Though knowing her and her neurotic tendencies when she was stressed, I think I already had a good idea. “Nothing is going on,” she snapped. “Maybe you’ve forgotten how well I know you…” With a raised eyebrow, I threw out the tissues and dressed her cut with some Neosporin.  The bleeding was down to a minimum now but I could tell by the way she winced when I touched it that it still hurt. With a roll of her teary eyes and a sigh, Yadira leaned back against the bathroom mirror.  “You know, sue me for trying to make our first Thanksgiving together special.” “It already is special, babe,” I said, giving her some gauze to hold against her wound.  “Not only is it our first Thanksgiving together, but it’s the first time our families are getting together.  That’s huge.” “Exactly!” she said exasperatedly as I wrapped a bandage around the tip of her finger.  This was going to complicate using her hands in the kitchen, but she was just going to have to deal.  “I just want it to be perfect.” “Then why do you keep snapping at people who are only trying to help you?”  After all of her effort, things were about as perfect as they were going to get.  The significance of today didn’t excuse her attitude.  And she knew it. There was guilt written all over her face as she tried not to cry.  I felt guilty too, watching her get so upset and put so much stress and pressure on herself.  But enabling her helped no one.  We worked so well together because we called each other out on our shit.  Tears weren’t going to change that. “I’m just trying to prove that we could do this.  Be a normal, healthy, functioning couple.  Everyone out there had their doubts about us being together.  They doubted my decision to be with you. Your family, my family, and at times even we did.   Pulling off the perfect Thanksgiving seemed like the best way to prove everyone wrong. To prove to your mom that I can take care of you and to prove to my dad that we’ve got it together.”  She looked down at her hands, picking at the new bandage.  “I realize how stupid that sounds now that I say it out loud.” It bothered me that she was carrying around this burden of proof, as if executing the perfect Thanksgiving dinner and painting this image of the perfect family, was some act of redemption. Our being together is not a sin and nothing we could do will ever erase our messy history or complicated past. And I would never want to.  It’s part of who we are and what makes our relationship so strong. “We do not owe anyone anything.  We do not need to prove anything to anyone.  Nothing anyone says is ever going to change what we have between us, family or not.  And I think our families know and respect that now, and if they don’t, fuck ‘em.” She sighed heavily and nodded.  “I know that.  I think I was just getting in my own head.” “You gotta quit doing that, baby girl.  You’re stressing yourself out which sometimes stresses me out.  So can you relax for me, please?”  I wrapped my arms around her waist and looked down at her.  “Everyone is already impressed with everything you’ve done.  Just try to relax and have some fun.”  When we look back on our first major holiday together, I want us to remember how much fun we had with our families, not what color napkin rings she used. I brought her bandaged finger up to my lips and gave it a tiny kiss.  “Are you chill now?” I asked, noting the tension that remained on her face.  So stubborn.  “Or am I going to have to resort to other methods?” “What other methods?” she scoffed. I was hoping she’d ask. I leaned forward, caging her in with either hand pressed against the glass.  Since her dad has been in town, she’s been paranoid about him catching us in the act even though he’s sleeping in bedroom on the other side of the house. It was crazy to me how this girl wasn’t shy about getting freaky in public but the minute her father shows up it’s a totally different story. “Don’t kiss me,” she said, putting her hand on my chest.  “I don’t want my makeup to get messed up.” “Don’t worry,” I said as my lips pulled into a wide smile.  “The lips I plan on kissing don’t have any lipstick on them.”  I dropped to my knees and spread her legs apart.  Yadira attempted to stop me by smushing her hand in my face and pressing her thighs together. “Don’t.  Our families are on the other side of that door.  If my father hears us, he’ll murder you and make your parents watch.” “Then if you value my life at all, I suggest you stay quiet.” I pleaded with her, giving her my best pouty face.  I just wanted to taste her and watch as the stress left her body.  “I just want to make you feel good, baby.” My girlfriend looked down at me then toward the door before looking back at me.  She was silent for a moment, as if weighing her options in her head.  Without a word she spread her thighs apart again, the uncertainty in her eyes quickly replaced with wanting anticipation. I accepted this as an invitation to curl my fingers around her panties and slide them down her legs and over her heeled sandals, tucking them discreetly into my back pocket.  Leaving her feet in her pretty pumps, I kissed her ankle just above the strap of her shoe.  My kisses didn’t cease as they traveled up her leg to her inner thigh where I bit into the fleshiest part of her body. Yadira’s gasp was subtle as she leaned back into the mirror.  ���You must have a death wish, Bieber.” “Well if I’m going to die today, I’d better make it count.”  And I couldn’t have asked for a better ‘last meal’. Hooking my hands under her knees, I pulled her toward me so her but rested on the edge of the counter.  I was careful not to wrinkle her dress as I pushed her thighs back and even further apart so she was nice and open for me to taste.  My tongue swept over her pussy quickly, lapping at the moisture that’d already gathered there.  When my lips touched her again, I lingered, sliding my tongue between her folds, licking from her center to her clit. Yadira stifled a groan as she gripped the edge of the counter.  I worked my tongue skillfully against her skin, burying my face into her sex, coating my nose, lips, and chin in her arousal.  Like a starving animal, I devoured her, my hunger for her insatiable. Sweat misted my forehead and a faint ache formed in my jaw, but I wanted more.  As I wrapped my lips around her clit, Yadira shoved her fingers into my hair, crying out as she pulled on the strands.  I growled against her before sucking the button of nerves firmly into my mouth. “Fuck!” Her head fell back against the mirror with a soft thud and she grit her teeth, trying not to make any more noise. If I hadn’t been so focused on making her come, I would have laughed at her failed attempts to stifle the involuntary sounds she was making without touching her face or disturbing her makeup. But I was determined to give her an orgasm that made her forget her own name. My tongue teased her with torturously slow strokes, speeding up only to slow back down just before she reached her climax. I did this over and over again until her thighs were trembling in my grip. “Justin, please,” she begged with a loud moan, not even trying to stay quiet now.  I plunged my tongue deep inside her and her pussy twitched and throbbed around it, causing my dick to harden.  Confident that she was right where I wanted her, I sucked hard on her clit, drawing a violent orgasm out of her.  Her whole body jerked against the mirror and she tried to pull her hips back but I held her tight against my face and tongue.  A slew of incomprehensible phrases toppled randomly from her lips. Then her body stilled, tensing up before releasing into a fit of jerks and shakes.  Her mouth hung open as a second orgasm rolled over her. Her skin was hot in my hands and against my face and I could feel the heat radiating from her even as I pulled away. Suddenly her grip on the counter loosened and she slumped back onto the glass.  When I let go of her thighs they dangled over the edge of the counter like a lifeless ragdoll.   “Still thinking about that mac and cheese?” Yadira just hummed in response, not bothering to formulate and coherent words.  Mission accomplished. While she sat there catching her breath, I attempted to help her sit up but she swatted my hands away.  “Don’t touch me yet.  I feel like I might shatter into a million pieces.” I gave her a minute to cool down before we cleaned ourselves up and fixed the bathroom as if it’d never been disturbed. “Come here and let me fix your hair” I glanced in the mirror and saw the hot mess she left on top of my head. “Sorry,” she mumbled as she attempted to smooth my hair back into place. “You’re not sorry,” I scoffed.  I wouldn’t be either. “For fucking up you’re hair? You’re right, I’m not. Besides, you kinda brought that on yourself.  But I am sorry for acting crazy.” She grabbed my jaw and pecked me quickly on the lips.  “Even though I worry about stupid shit, act out when I am stressed, and behave like an asshole, you still spoil me with earth shattering sex.” “My only plan was to get you to chill the fuck out.” She smiled lazily.  “Well your plan might backfire.  I am so chill I might fall asleep at the stove and burn the house down.” Her eyelids were heavy as she reached to unlock the bathroom door. “That’s only if your dad doesn’t kill us first, loud mouth.”  That was my fault too, but she wouldn’t dare complain.  Though I was proud of my work (I can literally feel my ego and man-pride swelling, or maybe that’s just my unrelieved dick trapped in my pants), I’d be like if I said I wasn’t afraid to face her father.  I didn’t know Carmelo well, but I knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t take too kindly to hearing his little girl having sex right under his nose, even if we were in our own house. We tiptoed out of the bathroom and back to the kitchen where Ella was still hovering over the stove. “Don’t worry,” she said casually with her back still turned to us. Everyone went outside.  No one heard you…except me.”

[gladysnmccary]

[INTERVIEW] Make Way For Prince Ali! Scott Weinger Visits With ILID

This week, fans across Texas received the devastating news that Dallas Fan Festival is now the latest entertainment victim claimed by Covid. After Fan Expo was postponed (and later canceled), many people held onto the hope that they would have a chance to see some of the scheduled talent appear at Fan Festival in October. Unfortunately, 2020 had different plans...again. One of the actors from this year's Fan Expo guest list was Aladdin and Full(er) House star Scott Weinger. While the magic carpet will no longer be carrying Aladdin to Dallas, we do have some good news. We were able to speak with Scott about his career and Disney memories before the Fan Expo cancellation. Obviously, our exclusive interview can't take the place of getting to meet him in person, but hopefully it will bring a bit of the anticipated Con to your living room. In the meantime, we will be searching for a lamp and wishing to see the return of Scott and Fan Expo Dallas again next spring!

Many fans know you as Steve, others know you as Aladdin. Which of the two do you see yourself more as?

Oh, that’s really funny; it’s hard to say. I’ve been playing both of those characters since I was a teenager and now, I’m an old man. I feel like I identify very much with both of them. It’s hard to imagine that all these years later that they both come up. They’re both a big part of my life, you know? It’s hard to say. Up until two months ago I was literally still playing Steve. Every day I would go into the studio and get a script for the role of Steve. I still go into the studio and record projects for Aladdin, too. But, as far as which character I identify with most? It’s hard to say. I will say that the character of Aladdin has a lot of universal qualities that people can relate to, that I can relate to. He is an underdog aiming high. I feel like anybody who comes to Hollywood to try to make it in showbusiness, whether as a writer or an actor, they’re an underdog. It takes a lot of luck to succeed there, sometimes in the form of a genie and sometimes in other ways like a lucky meeting with somebody or an audition that goes well. When it comes to Aladdin, by the way, I auditioned by mainlining in a tape. I recorded a tape with my mom playing the genie, we mailed it into California, and I got the part! So, that’s a little bit of luck right there.

Definitely! Speaking of genies, if you had three wishes what would they be?

Well, I think I’d have to spend the first one on this whole Coronavirus thing and put it in the book. It’s making life a little bit less fun for a lot of people. Now that I’m a dad and husband, I think most of my wishes would be very boring wishes, like for the health of my family and everything. But I wouldn’t mind a flying car to get around that L.A. traffic!

I get that; Dallas traffic isn’t much better. Looking at your wife’s twitter, it would seem that she has accepted the fact that she is the “wife of Aladdin”. On the other hand, your son is growing older now. Has he started to realize the pros and cons of being the “son of Aladdin”?

I think that he like it and that he thinks it’s pretty cool. We’ve had a lot of really great experiences at Disneyland because of it. He’s much older now, but when he was five or six years old there was an amazing event that took place on the Disney lot when the executives were getting ready to promote Aladdin coming out of the vault and onto Blu ray. We were talking about it and they said, “Is your son excited to see it like that?” I said, “Well, he’s never really seen it before.” Their jaws dropped. They couldn’t believe that my son hadn’t! He was just getting to the right age where he could really enjoy and appreciate it, so they had this amazing idea. They threw a huge party on the Walt Disney Studios lot where they had a huge Arabian Nights themed carnival. All of his friends came and they had a private screening. It was incredible! It was a really cool experience and I think it was a great way to introduce him, letting him know that Dad’s kind of a big deal.

Kudos to Disney on giving your son a mini-premier for him and a great way to add some brownie points to Dad as well. As far as acting goes, you’ve managed to shy away from the spotlight a bit over the past decade or so. Now, with the resurgence of Aladdin and Fuller House, you have been thrown right back in the mix. How has that transition gone for you and your family?

It’s funny you should ask. When my wife and I got together all those years ago, I had left acting behind with the exception of a recording session every once in a while. I was a writer, fully immersed in my new career as a television writer. When this thing came along, it was a big adjustment. From getting stopped on the street by fans to watching me smooch DJ, there were a lot of things to adjust to. Then, my son and his friends all became big fans of the show, so it was on at our house all of the time. It quickly became a big part of our lives. You mentioned my wife’s twitter account. Her favorite thing she always said is, “I married a writer. I didn’t marry an actor.” She learned to love the change. You’ve got to enjoy it and I think she knew how much joy being back in front of the camera and acting again brought me. It was a surprise and she fully got behind it. I do think she’s glad I’m back to writing and that life is getting back to normal, at least a little bit anyway.

It’s awesome that she was so supportive and good with all of the changes. You have done a ton of voicework for Aladdin in various video games like the Kingdom of Hearts series and Disney Infinity. Do you ever play any of those games?

It’s funny; I haven’t been a big videogame person in my life. When I was a kid, I played Nintendo and everything, but I wasn’t a big gamer. Now, my kid is super into it. I really haven’t played any of the Aladdinbased videogames. I know people are obsessed with these games though. When I run into fans, whether it’s out on the street or at one of these conventions, they come up to me and recognize me as Aladdin from Kingdom of Hearts. You can tell that they’re freaking out, but it’s funny because I haven’t had the experience [playing the games].

In regards to experiences, you mentioned a bit of your role behind the camera. You worked as a producer on the television show Galavant. My wife and I loved that show. Please bring it back!

I wish I could! I would love to; thanks for saying that.

If it’s not coming back, could you at least give some insight into how it was supposed to end or what we could have expected?

Did you get a chance to see both seasons? We were lucky enough to do eight [episodes] one year and then we got to do ten the next.

Yes! We were pumped to watch season three and checked nightly for about a month until we learned that it hadn’t been picked up again.

We didn’t really expect it to get a season 2, but when it did, I thought, “Well, now they’ve got to get us a season 3”. I was sad it went away because I loved that experience. I don’t know if they’ll ever bring it back for TV even though it has a very strong and very vocal fan base. Someday I hope they will make it into a Broadway show or something like that. It was such an incredible experience for me to be working on a musical with some of the top talent in our nation. The creator of the show who’s a brilliant guy and one of the nicest guys around, Dan Fogelman, went on to create other shows like This Is Us. It’s funny because they are pretty different. He’s such a versatile and hardworking guy, and he’s always got a whole new project coming up.

Did you have a direction you wanted to send the show? The first one seemed to have a definitive ending. Then, it came back with the second season and left things wide open for the plot of the third season.

Yeah, it’s true. It’s funny because now that we’re talking about this, I don’t remember. I don’t think we settled on anything specific. I think, in a superstitious way, we were afraid to get too excited about any particular direction because we didn’t want to jinx it. It would have been such an amazing thing to do a third season. I think we would have spent a lot of time focusing on the character of King Richard, who emerged into such an interesting character. Then, there’s obviously Isabella. She was great and her singing voice was incredible.

I loved Luke Youngblood on it as well. I actually got to do an interview with him a while back for another Con.

Isn’t he fantastic? The funny thing is, I hadn’t watched all of the Harry Potter movies yet, so I didn’t know how excited I should be about that guy. Now, I’ve seen all of the Harry Potter movies a hundred times and it’s pretty cool that he was in there.

One of my favorite parts about Galavant was how each character developed throughout the seasons.

One of my favorite things about working on the show was when Alan Menken and Glenn Slater, the lyricists, would come into the writer’s room and we would talk about ideas together. One day they called me because I had written a scene that they liked and thought would be great if it was turned into a musical theme. They said, “Do you mind if we take some of your dialogue and turn it into a song?” It was one of the coolest moments of my career. They ended up cutting the scene because it was a little too racy for network television. I said, “How could it have been too racy?” Then, they played the demo… it was racy. Maybe if we were streaming on cable we could have gotten away with it.

Going back to your early career, you’re obviously super invested in Disney. I mean, you spent a majority of your childhood there. What is your favorite Disney movie other than Aladdin?

Oh, man, that’s really tough. Let me think here… Wow, that’s a great question because I have so many that I love. If we are including Pixar, that makes it even more difficult. When I was younger, I loved Tangled, which was also written by Dan Fogelman. That was actually how he got his relationship started with Alan Menken and got Galavant created. The one that I have the greatest memories of, besides Aladdin, was The Little Mermaid. When I was about thirteen years old that movie came out and my best friend, who was obsessed with animation, said to me, “We have to go see this new movie.” I was like, “Dude, that is a girl movie. I don’t want to go see a girl movie.” He said, “Trust me.” We went and it blew my mind; it was just amazing. I’ll never forget how much I enjoyed the movie and also how much my perspective completely changed. I was embarrassed and afraid that we were going to run into friends from school. I felt ashamed for having felt that because it was such a revelation. I was so lucky that I ended up getting to work with a lot of those people. The director of The Little Mermaid also directed Aladdin and, of course, Alan Menken wrote the music for both of those movies.

I completely understand. With two young girls running around me house, The Little Mermaid plays on loop fairly often.

You could name any of those [Disney] movies and they’re all so good. I thought Beauty and the Beast was so great and I love the older classics too. I love Wreck-It-Ralph! It is one of my favorites. There are so many good ones. You know, as a dad, that you have to see all of these movies a hundred times each. The fact that you’re not throwing yourself out of a window speaks out.

You basically grew up on the Disney lot and in the Disney parks. Now that you are older, do you look back and think that you enjoyed it as much as you should have or did it kind of become a bit mundane for you?

You know what? I enjoyed the heck out of it. I was very lucky that I was seventeen years old when Aladdin came out, so I was young enough to enjoy it through the eyes of a kid and old enough to understand how lucky I was. It was the perfect age to experience all of those things. If you added up all the time that I spent down in Florida at Disney World that year, it was over two months that I spent there. It was literally a dream come true. I was at the age where I could enjoy it and also know that I was the luckiest kid ever. It wasn’t lost on me. I never took it for granted, not once.

We will close with this final question about Aladdin. I interviewed Linda Larkin, who played Jasmine in the original movie with you, and asked her about her favorite fan theory regarding the movie. Do you have a favorite?

I was with a bunch of Aladdin people last week and we got into a big metaphysical discussion about the genie. They were talking about how Robin Williams would improvise and make a bunch of contemporary references to pop culture. How is that possible if he is all the way back in Agrabah hundreds of years ago? Someone suggested that he was a time traveler. Another said, “It’s not time travel. He doesn’t exist in time. He exists outside of the rules of time.” I thought that was super cool and very deep. I had just read an Einstein biography and I thought that he would approve of that theory. Even though sometimes people’s theories may be a little crazy or completely off base, they’re not wrong for trying to find a deeper meaning in the movies. The people who make these movies are thoughtful artists and there is definitely a world where people are thinking these things. Because they are so thoughtful, there are things like deeper meanings or stuff that you don’t spot initially baked into these movies. However, I’m sure you have heard the theory that Aladdin had some kind of pornographic message whispered in a scene. To this day, I still have to go around telling people that it didn’t happen. I promise you that it is totally made up. I would have been terrified to say anything like that in a room full of grownups!

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