#anyway hi syd i miss u

[iconichalo]

🎶✨️when u get this u have to put 5 songs u actually listen to, publish. Then, send this ask to your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)🎶✨️ ❤️❤️

Face- off - Jimin

Like Crazy - Jimin

Get Lit - Stray Kids

Super Bowl - Stray Kids

134340 - BTS

i'm so boring and predictable actually this is awful

[smoshyourheadin]

Maybe u could do a Spencer besties to lovers? Like they've known each other a long time yk

Thankssss no pressure if ur busy ofc <3

It’s Always Been You

cw: reader has a boyf who she breaks up w bc he’s an alchaholic!! don’t read if you aren’t comfortable, i’ll catch you another time ml 💛

a/n: EEK IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT ANON 🫶🫶💛💛 also im taking this as smosh spence not cm spence so feel free to re-request if you’d like <33 ps, ive written that he listens to pink floyd here so thats who syd barrett is if you don’t know :))

requests r open!!

///

pairing: spencer agnew x fem!reader

florida, 2002

you and spencer were scurrying around in the freshly mown grass of his backyard, playing tag.

“you didn’t get me, you cheated!” you exclaim, ducking as he reaches out to get you again, tumbling to the floor.

“did too!” spencer retorts, his grazed knees dropping to the floor so he can lean over you. he meets your eyes, pulls a tongue, and hoists himself back up to run to his tyre swing.

all 11 years you’d known, you’d known them with spencer. your moms had been great friends since way before you were born, being in the same book club. or was it an art night? you didn’t exactly know, but you did know that because your moms were best friends, so were you and spencer.

as you sprung back up to your feet, your moms watched your antics through the kitchen window.

“whoever can swing the other the highest gets to have the last red popsicle!” he yelled as you ran over

“oh you’re so on!”

your hands gripped the tyre and you pushed like your life depended on it.

“y’know,” your mom said “one day, they’re going to end up together.”

his mom looked over at yours and smiled,

“i’d be surprised if they didnt honestly.”

los angeles, 2024

you walk through the door of your apartment, and you kick the door closed behind you. your bag slides off your shoulder, and you throw your keys onto the dresser next to the door. you only manage a long groan before flopping onto the couch.

“heya, charlie!” you scrunch your face up as you feel your dog’s cold, wet nose press against your cheek, as he gently wags his tail

“i missed you too boy, work was so tiring today.” you work at smosh with spencer, and have done for the past seven years after you left your job at another channel to join him. it was basically the best decision you’d ever made, every day filled with laughs; practically just a 24/7 hangout. you work with spencer on smosh games, but rarely ever go on camera, even if spencer’s there. you enjoy it anyway though.

you sit up and scratch behind his ears. he wiggles his body contently at your fondness. and then your stomach growls. it made sense, it was currently 6:43pm, and you last ate at noon, so you get up and drag yourself to make some mac n cheese.

as the pasta boils your phone starts ringing.

it’s james.

rubbing your hands over your face, you answer the dreaded call from your boyfriend james.

“heyyy~ sweetheart, y’doin okay? you were hic bein’ a bit of a bitch today, didnt answer my calls, what, you hate me or sumn?” he rambles, most of his words just slurring off.

“james, are you drinking again?” your voice is agitated, hearing the chattering and the low bass of a bar in the background.

you know he has a problem, and you’ve tried to get him to stop so many times. but you just can’t. he just won’t take your help.

“wha- i mean- well- no- but um- well y’r just gonna be mad at me like y’allways are” he stammers, not wanting to tell you the truth.

“no, i’m done with this. you say all this to me when you’re drunk, and then act like everything is fine! i’m sick of it! you spend so much time at the bar, and its the only place we ever go on dates, and i just end up babysitting you! so yeah i am mad! but for the last time! fuck you james.”

you hang up.

you start to tear up, the knot in your chest tight as your emotions come rushing to you, face heating up as tears begin to fall. the hissing of something behind you snaps you out of it.

“shit!” you rush over to to your stove, where the water from your pasta spills over the sides, the flames licking at the bottom of the pan.you take it off the heat and turn it off. it looks done anyway. you add some butter, and, of course, cheese. stirring gently, you sob.

james was so nice to you, always showering you with gifts and praise and love. but it was all for nothing. he just didn’t love you like he loved drinking in the end.

pouring the mac n cheese into a bowl, you call spencer.

“hey lemon! how’s my favourite person this fine evening?” you smile at the nickname.

florida, 2007

“spencer, you’re a boy. why are you so complicated? i mean, its just annoying!” you walk into his bedroom after his mom let you in, clearly pissed off. being 16 isn’t fun, especially when boys you like are rude to you.

“what did he do?” spencer doesn’t look up from his computer, just slightly turn his head.

“he said that i must eat lemons because of how bitter i am. i mean come on!” you lie on his bed and watch him play runescape.

“lemon… hmph” he just smiles and continues whatever he was doing on his game.

“what? nothing to say? ugh! you suuuuuck!”

los angeles, 2024

“yeah, i mean, no. i broke up with james.” you sniffle, and eat a forkfull of your food, elbows resting on the cold marble of the kitchen island.

“i mean- um- yeah thats horrible…” he says

“you’re allowed to celebrate, i know you hated him. and so did everyone. but still. im fragile right now!” you giggle through your gentle tears

“well, i mean, honestly? glad he’s gone. he sucked dude. not sure why you didn’t do it sooner. well, one positive to come of this, your pillows won’t stink of beer next time i nap at yours!” he replies, clearly happy for you.

“yeah,” you chuckle at the memory of spencer falling asleep on your bed, then completing his hair smelt like budweiser “that is true.”

“all seriousness though, are you okay?” his voice is genuine this time, filled with concern.

“no, not really. it’s just… different i guess. but, not much has changed y’know? like, it already felt like he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore…” you begin to ramble for at least 20 minutes, only to be met with the occasional ‘mhmn’ and ‘yeah’ from spencer. mid sentence, there’s a knock at your door.

“oh one sec, someone’s here.” you get up from your table and swing the door open to see a very sympathetic looking spencer, two target bags in his hands.

your jaw is on the floor. you were just crying to him over the phone, and he’d stayed whilst going out to get what you can only assume is things like sour patch kids and vanilla ice cream, which you could see at the top of the bag. your favourites.

“girls night?” he smirked and raised the bags at his sides.

all you can do is smile ear to ear, and wrap him in a tight hug. he leaned into you, basking in your sweet citrusy perfume.

“you’re my favourite, spencie.” you say into his shoulder.

as you both walk inside, charlie comes bounding over to spencer, his favourite person.

“who’s a good boy! charlie is!” spencer was now crouchedby your kitchen island, fussing over your dog as you walked to put on something more comfortable. you slid on some track pants and an old atari hoodie. walking back into your kitchen, spencer has unpacked the bags, and is creating his favourite conconction, The Agnew Sundae. basically the most sickeningly sweet ice cream ever. his dad made it for you both in the summer, and it consisted of:

vanilla ice cream

chocolate syrup

caramel sauce

whipped cream

sprinkles

mini marshmallows

chocolate chips

m&ms

and some crushed oreos to finish.

god, you know you’re going to regret this later, but boy was it a good way to cheer you up.

also strewn on the counter was his switch and copy of animal crossing, a few of his dvd’s for you to watch, and his mom’s chocolate chip cookies.

“spencer, how on earth did you get these? your mom lives across the country!” you hold up the baggie, and raise an eyebrow.

he looks up from his ice cream assembly station, and smirks.

“a magician never- ow!”

you cut him off by lightly jabbing his arm

“okay okay, she visited not to long ago - when she took you to the mall? and she gave me these to freeze and keep for an important event. i think she’d agree this is important.” you cant help but smile at his remark. you missed you moms.

“i’ll have to ring her later to thank her.” you say.

the night goes on, and you and spencer sit on the couch under a blanket watching barbie princess charm school. because what else are you going to watch?

as the movie goes on, and the effects of the agnew sundae kick in; you were dozing off on his shoulder. towards the end of the movie, so does he. he drifts off, comforted by your soft hair occasionally brushing against his face.

you stir awake, the sun beaming into your eyes through your semi-open blinds, and you’re hit by a wave of memory. everything that happened last night comes flooding back.

james’ call.

spencer’s call.

spencer showing up for you.

at the latter, you smile slightly. you prop yourself up on the sofa, and notice the absence of spencer’s warmth by you. frowning slightly, you walk into the kitchen.

“morning sleepyhead” his sweet voice rings through the room

“hey. i thought you’d’ve gone home”

“no, im not that mean! who do you take me for?” he retorts, his attention turning back to the pancakes on the stove.

“pancakes? what time is it?” you come up behind him, putting your chin on his shoulder.

“yeah, and it’s about 10:30.” he leant his head on yours, flipping one. you had to admit, they look pretty good.

“10:30!?” you lift you head in surprise, looking at your phone “shouldn’t we be in work?”

“nope, i called us in sick. said my mom was having surgery. which she is, but i made it sound dramatic so we could stay off.” he looks at you, and smiles slightly.

“well, send her my love! i think i’ll go get dressed now.” he hummed, and you left the room.

opening your closet, you pick out a yellow baggy t-shirt and some grey sweatpants. you pull on some fluffy socks, and slip on a zip up hoodie. walking back out into the living room, spencer walks in with two plates piled high with pancakes, drenched in syrup and strawberries

“so,” you say, a fork full of pancakes in your mouth. “whats the plan for today?”

he looks over at you, and shrugs slightly. “not sure, we could go to the book store you like?”

“ah, you know the way to a girl’s heart“ you put a hand over your chest and giggle a bit.

a few hours later, you walk into the store, door creaking just a bit as a small brass bell chimes overhead. the air is filled with a comforting mix of old paper, leather bindings, and a hint of freshly brewed coffee from the corner cafe that you and spencer like to get tea from. you breathe it in deeply, a sense of calm washing over you. as you walk over the creaky wooden floorboards beneath you, soft warm light filters down from antique lamps, and cast a gentle glow over the rows of books. you ghost your fingertips over the cloth spines while the quiet murmur of whispered conversations and the occasional rustling of pages create a soothing background noise, almost like a lullaby. through spencer’s airpods, syd barrett serenades you both, and his voice blends seamlessly with the ambiance of the store.

“anything good today lemon?” spencer says as he shimmies up next to you in the aisle of towering book shelves, his voice like honey rolling off his tongue. his hair was unruly as always, but he looked so pretty in this light. his face was littered with freckles that you wish you could kiss. he’s smiling at you, and it snaps you back to reality, and reminds you of the fact you’re staring at him

“uh, yeah, i think i’ll get this one” you smile back, holding up a copy of memoirs of a geisha by arthur golden

“cool, shayne likes that one i think. but he likes every book so…” he smiles at his own remark “um, you want me to grab our normal seats in the cafe while you pay for that?”

“yes, please!” you reply eagerly, smiling as he walked off.

you walk up to the cashier, an older lady who always gives you a bookmark.

“thank you m’darlin’, have a lovely day!”

“you too mrs bryson!” you reply, heading over to spencer who’s sat in some plush leather armchairs. as you sit in comfortable silence with him, time seems to slow down, and for a moment, it's just you, spencer, the books, and the comforting atmosphere of this charming bookstore.

“i got you your sweet tea.” he says, handing you a plastic cup filled with your favourite tea.

he remembered.

fuck.

you were in love with spencer agnew, and it took you him handing you your favourite tea to realise it.

“thanks spence.” you say, still grasping the feelings in your chest.

while you read you book and drink your tea, you feel your attention drifting to him. you can't help but glance up from the pages every now and then, watching him as he sits across from you, his focus on his own book. his fingers absently tracing the rim of his coffee mug, his brow furrowing as he reads. the way the sunlight filters through the small window, casting a warm glow across his hair, highlighting the subtle streaks of lighter brown among his dark curls. you find yourself smiling at the sight of him, wondering when these small, mundane moments began to mean so much to you. the bookstore is quiet, aside for the murmur of others reading or talking in hushed tones. yet, with spencer sitting just a few feet away, the world feels like it's faded to the background. it's just you and him, sharing this space, this moment. you watch the way his lips move slightly as he reads, how he occasionally tilts his head in concentration, and the way his eyes light up when he finds something particularly interesting. as he looks up and catches you watching him, you feel a rush of warmth spreading through your chest. he smiles at you, a slow, easy smile that makes your heart skip a beat. he raises an eyebrow, and you quickly look back down at your book, feeling your cheeks flush. but you can't help it; your gaze finds its way back to him, like he's the most interesting story in the room. he seems to notice the shift in the air between you. he closes his book and leans forward slightly, his elbows resting on his knees.

“everything okay?” he asks, his voice gentle, his eyes filled with genuine curiosity.

“yeah,” you reply, trying to sound casual, though your heart is racing. “just... glad to be here with you.”

he nods, his smile growing a bit wider. “me too.”

as he settles back into his chair, you realize that this simple exchange has changed something. the air feels lighter, the connection between you stronger. you may have come here to read and relax, but now, sitting across from spencer, you know you've found something else entirely - something you never want to let go of.

as you leave the store, you’re panicking slightly as you realise you don’t know what to do. so instead you make up an excuse.

“i forgot my keys ," you blurt out, looking back at the bookstore. it's a thin excuse, but spencer doesn't seem to notice. he simply nods, a hint of concern in his eyes.

"do you want me to wait for you?" he asks, already reaching for his phone to check the time.

"no, it's fine," you reply quickly. "you can go ahead. i’ll just be a minute."

spencer seems reluctant to leave, but he nods, offering a warm smile before stepping out onto the street. you watch him walk away, his figure blending into the crowd as he heads toward the main crossing. your heart sinks a little as he disappears from view, and you take a deep breath, trying to steady your racing pulse.

the bookstore feels different now. the warm glow and soft murmurs are still there, but without spencer, it's like the color has faded a bit. you stand by the door, uncertain of what to do next. you could go back outside, catch up with him, and just say it. tell him how you feel. but the words seem stuck in your throat, and the thought of laying your feelings bare feels like too much, too soon.

you step back inside, pretending to look for something you might have left behind. the stacks of books seem to stretch endlessly in front of you, a maze of comforting distractions. you wander through the aisles, hoping to calm your racing thoughts, but all you can think about is spencer - his smile, the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs, the warmth of his voice.

eventually, you find a quiet corner and sit down, closing your eyes for a moment. you know you have to do something. you can't just let him walk away without knowing how much he means to you. but the fear of rejection, of changing everything, feels overwhelming.

you realize you need time to sort through your feelings, to figure out the best way to approach this. with a heavy heart, you decide to make your way home, hoping the familiar surroundings will bring clarity. as you step out onto the street, the cool breeze brushes against your skin, and you take a deep breath, trying to calm the storm of emotions raging inside you.

on the journey home, you replay the moments with spencer in your mind, each one a bittersweet reminder of how much he means to you. you know you can't keep hiding your feelings, but you also know you need to approach this with caution. as you unlock the door to your apartment, you make a silent promise to yourself—to take the time you need, to listen to your heart, and to find the courage to follow where it leads, even if it means risking everything for him.

when you get home, spencer tries calling you as he paces around his bedroom, his phone pressed against his ear. the ringing continues, but there's no answer. he frowns, feeling an uneasy twist in his stomach. maybe you're still in the bookstore. maybe your phone is on silent, or maybe you're just busy. he tells himself there's a reasonable explanation, but the doubt lingers.

as he walks to his kitchen, he dials again. this time, the call goes straight to voicemail. his instincts tell him something isn't right. the keys excuse felt odd, and your hurried departure only amplifies his worry. he takes a moment to think, then leaves his apartment, jumps in his car, starts the engine, and drives toward your apartment.

the streets pass in a blur as he navigates through the evening traffic, his mind racing with possibilities. he finds a parking spot near your building and heads to your door. the hallway is quiet, save for the distant sound of a tv from a neighbouring apartment. he takes a deep breath and knocks.

nothing.

he knocks again, this time a little louder. the knot in his stomach tightens. what if something's wrong? what if he's too late? he knocks a third time, and this time, he hears a faint rustling from inside. the door opens slowly, and there you are, standing in the doorway with a look of surprise and confusion.

"spence?" you say, blinking at him as if he's the last person you expected to see.

"i - i was worried," he stammers, rubbing the back of his neck. "you didn't answer your phone, and i - i didn't know if you were okay."

you tilt your head, trying to process why he's here. his eyes search yours, and you can tell he's anxious, almost desperate to explain himself. "i'm fine," you say, "just had some stuff to think about."

he nods, but you can see he's not entirely convinced. there's something else, something deeper. he takes a step back, as if he's about to leave, but then he hesitates. "i - i have to tell you something," he blurts out, his words coming out in a rush. "i like you. like a lot. like i think i love you? and i know it might be weird, and i don't want to mess things up, but I just had to say it - because i couldn't keep it to myself anymore.”

he looks at you, his eyes full of emotions you can't quite decipher yet. you nod, urging him to continue, even though your own heart is racing. there's something in his gaze that makes you realize this isn't just any confession - this is something that's been building for a long time.

"i've liked you since we were kids," he says, almost breathlessly. "i mean, you were always the coolest person I knew. you didn't care what anyone else thought. you were smart and funny and just... so genuinely kind. i remember when we used to ride our bikes around the neighbourhood, and you'd always be the first one to try something new. like, remember when you climbed that huge tree in mr lawson's yard just because you wanted to see the view from the top? i thought you were so brave."

he chuckles softly, his gaze softening as he reminisces. "and then, when we got older, you were always there for me. when my parents split up, and i felt like everything was falling apart, you were the one who came over with a pizza and just listened. you didn't try to fix it; you just let me talk. that's something i've always loved about you. you're a great listener, and you care about people. like, really care."

he shifts his weight from one foot to the other, his eyes locking with yours. "it's not just that, though. It's the little things, too. the way you laugh at the dumbest of angela’s jokes, the way you get excited about your favorite books, and how you always know the right thing to say when I'm feeling down. you make everything feel... lighter, you know? like, even when things are tough, you find a way to make it better."

spencer pauses, his voice growing more earnest. "so yeah, i've um, been holding onto this for a while, and i just, couldn't keep pretending that i didn't feel this way. i like you - a lot. and i don't know if you feel the same way, but i just couldn't not tell you anymore."

he takes a step back, the tension in his shoulders indicating that he's prepared to leave if needed. "i don't want to make things weird between us. if you don't feel the same, that's okay. i just had to say it, because you're the best thing in my life, and i can't keep acting like you aren't."

his confession takes you by surprise, but as he speaks, you feel a surge of warmth in your chest. the words you were struggling to say are suddenly so clear, so obvious. you watch as he starts to turn away, his shoulders slumping in resignation. before he can take another step, you grab his arm and pull him back, your lips pressing against his in a gentle, yet desperate kiss.

he freezes for a moment, stunned by your sudden action, then his arms wrap around you, pulling you close. when you finally break the kiss, you look into his eyes, and there's no doubt, no hesitation.

"it's always been you," you whisper, your voice soft but sure. "you're my person, spencer."

he hugs you tightly, his grip firm and comforting, as if he's afraid you'll disappear if he lets go. you rest your head on his shoulder, feeling the steady beat of his heart against your cheek. it's a perfect moment, one that feels like the beginning of something new, something beautiful.

and as you stand there in each other's embrace, you know that everything's going to be okay, because you have each other. and that's all that matters.

[astermath]

nemesis; part two.

pairing: carmen berzatto x fem!reader

summary: with carmen reworking the restaurant, you’d think his mind would be far too occupied to even think about anything else. yet he can’t shake the guilt from what he’d put you through a month prior. after some talks in therapy, he decides to take a leap of faith and see if he can talk it out with you. he not only wants to convince you that he can be better, but he's got an offer for you too. one you truly can't refuse.

♡ landing page ♡

word count: 4.9K

tags: carmen being unsure about his feelings but trying to be better episode 3265742, letting reader in a little more, APOLOGIES!!!, cursing ig, carm goes to therapy yippee, syd being the absolute realest, regular font below!

notes: sorry this took literally forever omg, I lost my carmen muse for a bit but we are SO back baby. I missed him so much and so sorry if some things don't follow the canon completely (I've been watching season 2 on and off bc I've been so busy lol BUT my fics never follow the canon completely anyways),, hope u guys enjoy and let me know if you'd like a part three ;))

lmk if you'd like to be added to the tag list for further carmen berzatto related content! comments and reblogs are highly appreciated!

Carmen’s life hadn’t known a moment of mental rest in ages. If you asked him when he last sat down with his thoughts or acknowledged his mental anguish, he probably would have said he couldn’t remember the last time. If ever.

With plans to completely revamp The Beef and everything that came with it, now his feelings should be the last thing on his mind. Renovation plans, unforeseen costs and a completely new menu, sure, he could worry his ass off about those, but feelings? Absolutely not. Good thing he was usually so good at suppressing those anyways.

So why was it that he couldn’t shake the thought of what he did to you?

Why, every time he had a moment to himself, would he be overtaken by this intense feeling of guilt? He didn’t even have to be alone, just a second of quiet and the image of you crying in distress would intrude on his thoughts.

It was getting to a point where he’d told his sister, Natalie, about it. Well, not all of it, he wasn’t even sure if he knew all of it. Just that he knows he hurt you, and that coming to terms with what he projected onto you might be a good first step in understanding himself better.

Or maybe it was something more along the lines of “I gotta talk my shit to some people”. Probably that.

To his surprise, it was actually helping. Besides the group therapy sessions where he’d talk about Mikey, the business and his future, he was talking to other people in his life too. Even told Sydney about you, kind of on accident. The words just seemed to… Flow out. It was probably the exhaustion doing its thing.

“I guess I just felt like,” he kept his eyes on the floor he was sweeping, “she was doing it all to fuck with me. I don’t even know where I got the sick idea that she had some obsession over me, but it— it drove me at the same time. It’s like her being on my heels at every aspect of culinary school just made me want to try even harder.”

“Maybe you painted her in that light because you knew it was a good way to keep pushing yourself.” Sydney spoke almost absentmindedly, sweeping the other side of the room. She listened to everything he said in the meantime, and though what he was telling her was a bit worrying, she was glad they got to have talks like this. Carmen often doesn’t like to bring up his past like that.

“Huh,” he paused sweeping for a moment, “yeah… yeah, maybe. Or maybe it was something else.”

Sydney wasn’t even sure he knew what he was referring to. It sounded like something entirely different, like a crush, but what kind of person treats their crushes like that?

Probably an overworked, pressured, overachieving culinary student with a dangerous need for validation. But she wasn’t about to tell him that.

“So yeah, I visited her restaurant, and… It just felt the exact same as back in New York, you know? Like she was rubbing it in my face again, and— and I know that sounds insane, or conceited, but I just can’t let it go. It’s like the thought of her is stuck to my brain like a stubborn piece of gum.” He wanted to smack himself for that stupid analogy, but what was said was said.

“So how’d you handle it?” Sydney’s head perked up, some of her braids now draping over her shoulders.

“Handle what?” Carmen became more and more uneasy the more he talked about you. Like his chest was tight, it was uncomfortable, but not in the way he was when the health inspection came by, it was different. Weirder. Unfamiliar. He didn’t like it, because he didn’t understand it.

“The talk with her.” She emptied the last bit of dust into the trash bag.

“Oh,” his mind took him back to the parking lot a month ago. The way he could almost taste the tears of your skin from how close he stood, he could hear the shakiness of your breath and the profound desperation in your voice when you apologized to him, when you really had no reason to.

If it was still so clear in his mind, then what must it be like for you?

“Carmen?” Sydney snapped him out of his oncoming train of thought.

“Yeah? Sorry, I— Uh, I don’t know it was…” He runs a hand through his hair, suddenly finding it in his best interest to look anywhere else but her face. “Bad. It was— It was bad.” He looks a bit shameful when he meets her eyes. “I fucked up. I like, went all New York boss on her. And then I just… Left.”

His colleague just stares at him for a moment. She knew what he was like when he snapped like that, but that was with his staff, people he liked. So how badly did he snap on you, a person he’d been resenting for years?

“I’m gonna go take out this trash, and uh… Head home.” She lifts the grey plastic bag she was holding. “But uh, Carm?”

“Yeah?”

“You got issues, man.” She has a bit of an awkward smile on her face, but he knows she means it. He knows she’s right. She usually is.

He nods, silently, letting her words sink in. He did have issues, everyone knew that, but most people didn’t just say it. That’s why he liked Sydney, she was so real, so honest. She was so good for the business, for the kitchen. And maybe her saying that to him was all part of grounding him in the reality of it all. Of his issues, just that they existed.

“Heard.” he says. His voice comes out raspier than he expected, like he’s struggling to say it.

“Goodnight, chef.”

“Night.”

He’d thought about what Sydney said the entire night. He does have issues, he knows that, he’s just mad at himself for letting everything get this far before seeking help. It scares him. Because it reminds him too much of Mikey. Or what he heard about him when things got bad.

He doesn’t want to make the same mistakes his brother did. Lock people out of his life just because it seems easier, because it’s better to minimize the damage than to figure out why you’re doing damage at all. And yes it’s uncomfortable, yes it’s scary, terrifying even. But he keeps being reminded of how it must feel for you.

It’s something he’d never considered before. He always thought he had you all figured out, all fake smiles and backhanded compliments to distract him. It never occurred to him to just… Ask. It was always just easier to assume. It fit his view of you and it kept him going, even if it was at the expense of ever getting to know you at all.

He’s hoping he can change that with a few text messages and a long, probably uncomfortable, talk over coffee. Just hoping, trying, that’s really all he can do. He’s well aware of how bad he is at communicating, but he has to give it a shot. For you, at least.

He stares at his phone screen for far longer than is necessary, continuously rereading the messages he’d typed. His eyes keep flicking to your contact, making sure he sent it to the right person. The only thing you two had texted about before was a time and place for him to try your new restaurant. His heart aches at the exclamation points and emojis you’d sent; you were so excited, and he drove all that excitement straight into the ground.

He closes his eyes and shuts off the phone. His chest hurts, like he’s been holding his breath the entire time. Maybe he has. You could have that effect on him, making it harder to breathe. He always wondered why he had such nervous reactions around you specifically. He always figured it had to do with your one sided rivalry, but it feels… Different. More complex.

Your eyes are finally peeled off your computer screen when numerous phone notifications alarm you. Truth be told, you’ve been trying your best to keep yourself occupied as much as possible. That usually helps when you get waves of emotions like this, keeping busy, distracting your mind from overthinking.

Ever since your last encounter with Carmen, you’ve been so on edge. Always trying to do something, anything, so you wouldn’t have to think about what happened, why he acted like that to you. Because you know if you did, you’d just start blaming yourself again, and you’d be back to square one.

Your eyebrows raise at the name of the contact. You were sure he’d blocked you, or at least deleted your number after last time. He was avoidant like that, and frankly, you weren’t sure if you wanted him to talk to you again after that anyways. Maybe it was just to drive the point home, make you feel even more worthless.

Still, you were curious. Even if it was just to cuss you out even more, at least you knew what to expect, right?

[carmen]: hey, I really want to talk to you about what happened last time.

[carmen]: well

[carmen]: I want to apologise

[carmen]: but I can’t do that like this

[carmen]: I’d much rather do it in person

[carmen]: if you’d let me

[carmen]: meet me at odette’s tomorrow around 10? coffee’s on me, I just want to talk

[carmen]: please

The last message was sent minutes later than the rest, while you were reading them. He was desperate for an answer, and though you wanted to hear him out, to talk to him, something in you felt off about the whole thing. Like he was just doing this to clear off his own guilt, only to then ditch you just like he ditched you after culinary school. Because you’re rivals, apparently. That’s what you do.

But then there’s something else in you too. The part that’s still nostalgic about New York with him. About the glances back and forth when you were timed on preparing certain things, about the way he’d stare at you when you got feedback, the ignorant bliss you lived in. When you still believed he might have liked you just a little.

That part of you takes the upper hand when you reply and take his offer. Your heart is in your throat, nerves overtaking you already and you weren’t even with him yet. He had that effect on you sometimes, making it harder to breathe.

You wondered what that meant.

Carmen sits alone at a booth, all the way at the back of the café he’d chosen. It’s rather quiet, as most Mondays are, yet at the same time, it’s so loud. Loud in the way he hears the clinking of every spoon against porcelain cups, the crinkling of a napkin and the not so subtle ticking of the clock above the entrance. 10:06. You were late.

Suddenly he's filled with more regret than he's ever felt before. He's not ready to see you again, only to be reminded of how he made you cry, and of his own tumultuous emotions and shortcomings that lead to this moment. It's surprising how fast the emotions he associates with you changed; he's not angry anymore, he's scared, guilty, nervous. He wants to see you so bad and yet he feels like you'd be better off never talking to him again.

It's too late to make a run for it when you finally walk through the door. Hair a little damp from the rain, just a bit disheveled from what he could only assume to be rushing over to the café. And that same angelic smile you offer to the barista that greets you, the same one you'd offer him every morning, whether he looked at you or not.

He had no choice but to look now.

Your smile falters into something more nervous, a little melancholic, when your eyes meet his across the café. Though you knew he was going to be there, something in you feels surprised to see him again. Maybe it’s because he isn’t yelling at you or throwing insults at your head this time. Or maybe because he’s actually looking you in the eye. Since when did he get so good at that?

You sit down across him, taking off your coat and putting your bag besides you.

“Hey.” You smile again, much more awkward this time.

“Hey.” He returns the same thin lipped smile.

It’s quiet for a few seconds. Carmen swears the whole café has gone silent in that moment, leaving the two of you to listen to the sound of your own breathing and heartrate picking up. You’re not sure where to look, not being used to being in such an intimate setting with him.

“Do you want a coffee?”

“Sorry I was late.”

You both talk over each other, and the urge to chuckle about it overtakes you. Carmen can’t help but smile as well. You seem nervous, and somehow that puts him a little more at ease. Like he’s not the only one who’s in their head about it.

“Sorry, I, uhm, yeah— I would like a coffee.” You scramble over your words. “Please.”

“Sure,” he nods, “and no worries.”

“Hm?”

“That you were late. I haven’t been here that long either.” He lied. He’d been there half an hour early, cursing himself for letting him sit along with his thoughts for that long and psyching himself out into almost leaving.

You both order and another heavy silence sits between you two. You both know why you’re there, what needs to be talked about. Yet neither of you know how to bring it up.

You’ve lived most of your lives believing this version of each other you had in your minds. Because it kept you grounded. Because it was easier. He never let you in and for the longest time, you were at peace with that. You could have a slightly distant view of who he was, your classmate, your rival. And he could do the same. Keep you out, pretend you were there to keep him on his toes, to always try to outdo him.

Those facades of each other don’t work anymore. The real world has forced you to reconcile with each other, whether you liked it or not.

Your coffee gets brought to your table, and both of you feel this urgency to say something, anything, at least.

“The pastries here are good too, if you want to get one.” He finally broke the awkward silence. He can start with talking about food, something he knows. If all else fails, resort back to that.

“I haven’t tried a pastry besides my own in a long time. Maybe I could learn a thing or two here.” You admit. He knows that feeling. He’s not nearly as adventurous with his food choices as he wants to be, but as a busy chef on the brink of a new entrepreneurship, it’s usually beef sandwiches and frozen meals.

“I think yours were better though.” He takes a sip of his coffee.

“Huh?” You look up, realizing you were avoiding eye contact by staring into your cup.

“The danish I tried at your place. It was fire.”

“Oh. Right. Thank you, we make everything from scratch.”

“I could tell.” He takes another sip. “I guess I— I kinda forgot to tell you that. In the heat of it all.” He huffs to himself. “Food was so good it made me upset.”

“Upset?” His word use frustrates you. Upset is when they forget to give you your sauce with your order. What happened back there was not upset. That was rage. Wrath. You raise an eyebrow and he realizes he said something wrong.

“Well, more than upset. Listen, I— We need to talk about what happened.” His blue eyes peer into your own. They’re almost distracting enough to avoid you noticing his fidgeting hands.

“I’m listening.” You lean back slightly in your seat. You’d played nice with Carmen all your life, given him every chance to return it. Now it was his turn to try.

"Right." Of course he has to talk. It's his fault, isn't it? He's the one who snapped-- why did he even imply you'd have to explain yourself? He runs a hand through his hair, and there he goes again, eyes darting across the café to find something to focus on as he sought out the right words. You'd almost find it endearing, how bad he is at this, if it wasn't so important to you.

"You don't do this often, do you?"

"What, like-- meeting up for coffee?"

"Talking about stuff. Your feelings and shit." You hid your slightly amused smile behind your coffee cup before taking a small sip.

"Oh. Yeah, no, I-- I don't. Not until recently." He takes a deep breath. Just like they had told him to. “I’ve been going to this therapy thing my sister recommended. S’not much, but… It’s a start. Talked about the restaurant, my brother—“

“Your brother?” Your eyebrows raise slightly.

“Yeah, my— my brother. Mikey.” He looks a bit surprised. He’s come to the shattering realization that he’s never told you anything about his personal life, ever. You don’t even know about one of the most important people in his life, his main drive. You’ve known each other for so long yet you know so little. “I never told you about him?”

“You never told me anything.” You answer curtly. “We never really… Talked, you know?”

“Yeah— yeah, you’re right. I just thought… Wow.” He smiles, more out of shock than anything. He feels so stupid. How immature is it to be feuding this much with a person who doesn’t know anything about you?

“I guess I really don’t know much about you either.” His fingers rake through his messy curls again. “Makes me feel like even more of an idiot for going off on you like that. Like I had you all figured out.”

“Yeah, that was uh... That was something." The mood shifts a little. His smile fades as soon as he sees the melancholy in your eyes return. Of course it wouldn't be that easy for you to forgive him, to feel better about all this. "You know, I never knew you thought of me like that." A small smile graces your features. Somehow it's sadder than the expression you had before.

"I mean, I knew you didn't like me. I was pretty much at peace with the fact that you were never going to like me, either. But I never thought you hated me that much." You sniffle, trying your hardest to blink away any oncoming tears. "Like your life, your entire career, would have been easier without me there at all."

His heart aches at the sight of you, all teary eyed and trying to be brave. You're much braver than him. Sadness is a much harder thing to express than anger. He's starting to figure that out more and more.

"I don't hate you." He starts. He sees the confusion contort your features, and he knows he's not making any sense. "I mean I did-- I did hate you. Or, maybe not you, just... The fucked up idea I had of you. And-- and that was on me, that was my own fault." He feels an urge to touch you; to rub your back, hold your hand, anything to comfort you. It's tearing him apart to know that he's the cause of all this.

"But why?" A single tear rolls down your cheek, leaving a wet streak on your skin in its wake. "Why did you think that about me? I-- I get that we had a little rivalry going but jesus Carmen, did you really think I spent my whole culinary school career trying to outdo you?"

"To be honest... Yeah." He feels ashamed. So ashamed. He hopes the waitress doesn't walk by and listen to any of this, see you crying, and make you feel even worse. "Cooking was always just... My thing. If I was good for anything, it would be that. So seeing you do so well at something I'd started to base my whole existence around, it made me jealous, so fucking jealous." He meets your eyes, even if it's hard. You have to know he's being sincere.

"And it's-- it's unfair, it's so unfair to you, I know, and I'm really fuckin' sorry. I'm trying to work on myself, on everything, and I hope I can prove that to you." His face has that red tint you recognize whenever he's nervous or stressed. You can tell this is taking a lot from him.

"Is that really all? You were just jealous?" Your voice is quieter, fragile almost.

"I don't know. I wanna think it's that simple but I really don't know. There's a lot I don't understand about me, or you, or us. My mind doesn't know how to react when I see you anymore I think, now that things are different." He takes a deep breath, like saying that took a physical toll on him. "You have this-- this weird effect on me, and I don't know how to cope with it. I think it was just easier to be mad at you than to be anything else."

Anger is easier to express than sadness. The easiest out of all emotions, actually. Sometimes a little too easy.

You look to the side, wiping your cheek with the back of your hand. You huff out something close to a laugh, and though he’s caught off guard by it, he doesn’t mind it. Even if you’re laughing at him, at least that means you’re not crying.

“You’ve got issues Berzatto. You know that?”

“Yeah. I’ve been told.” He smiles, and it’s heartfelt this time. Not nervous, or sad, or awkward. He’s happy to see you a little more at ease.

“It’s just really crazy to me.” You trace your finger over the edge of your coffee cup as you talk. “I spent so much time in culinary school looking up to you. And then I find out you were always just trying to keep up with me.”

Carmen’s eyebrows raise a little at your words. “Looked up to me?”

“Yeah, like… Your drive, your passion, it’s so impressive. Always looking to improve, to do better, it just— it inspired me to do better too. As cheesy as that may sound.” You smiled. “S’why I opened up in Chicago, you know.”

“Really? Huh.” He leaned back in his seat.

“Because I wanted to work with you. Or for you. Either would have been fine with me.” You sigh. “I like owning my own place, but… I don’t know, for some reason I always imagined us working together.” You smiled. “Is that stupid?”

“No,” he replied quickly, “no not at all, I— I totally get that.” He’s quiet for a few seconds, and you can practically hear the gears turning in his head when he stares at you for a moment.

“I mean you’re a remarkable chef, really, like— insanely remarkable, and, well, we’re revamping the restaurant completely right now. We need people— more people, new people, and so, I was wondering— or I’ve been thinking—“ He stops himself from losing his breath from all his rambling, before he freaks you out even more than he already has.

“I want you to come work for us at the Bear.” He puts his hands together, as if he’s about to beg. “Please.”

You can almost hear yourself blinking out of confusion. There’s suddenly no more loud silences, no, the café seems dead quiet for once. All you can do is stare at him, wait for a laugh, because clearly this was a joke right? There’s no way Carmen Berzatto, chef supreme, arch nemesis of yours, would want you anywhere near him, let alone work in his own establishment.

“I’m sorry?”

He feels stupid already. You had every reason to say no. He’d been the biggest asshole in the world to you, he’d kept his distance all his life, and now he expects you to be his employee. Or, well, colleague, more so.

“I’m uh— we’re redoing the restaurant entirely. New equipment, new staff, new everything.” He swallows; the thought of everything that needed to be done arises for a moment. “We need people that work hard, who know what they’re doing and who are passionate about it. And I barely know anyone who’s better at what you do than yourself.” He pauses, waiting for you to stop him. But you don’t.

“So I’m asking if you’d work for me. With me. It won’t be anything like old days, if anything I— I need to learn from you.” He scoffs at himself. “Could take a thing or two about how to communicate with my staff.”

You smile, and he genuinely thinks you’re about to start laughing at him. You chuckle, but it’s not mean, it’s honest. Cute.

“You know, you have great timing.” You grin.

“I do?” the smile on his face reflects the hope he feels.

“One of my chefs wants to take over the place for me. Well, has been wanting to. I haven’t had an exact reason to say yes to her yet.” You shrugged. “Guess I do now.”

“…Is that you saying yes?”

“It’s definitely not me saying no.” Your eyes meet his, and there’s something between you both that’s different now. It’s not like there’s a switch that’s been flipped. It‘s more like this conversation was the turning page of a new chapter.

“I’ll think about it. I want to see it first. Maybe talk to some of your staff.” Carmen’s chest strains a little when he thinks about you interacting with Richie. Then he’s reassured when he thinks about you interacting with Sydney or Marcus. You’d fit in well, you have great feeling for people.

“Yeah— yeah, I get that. Totally. I can arrange that. Uhm, we’re renovating right now, actually, it’s all really kinda wild, but if you wanna stop by, chat with Syd, or Nat, or talk about the plans, let me know. I’m sure they’d love to talk to you.” He’s not lying, you seem like you’d get along well with them. Especially Sydney. Your thinking processes are very similar to each other. And to his.

Carmen gets the bill, even though you try to pay for it.

“It’s just a coffee, just let me get this one.”

You let him have this one, simply because you can’t argue with him after the conversation you just had. You’re in too good of a mood after his proposition too.

He walks you to your car, hands in his pockets when you reach it. It’s cold outside, and his breath comes out in visible puffs of air. His nose is a little red, but you think it looks cute.

“Thanks for coming, by the way,” he starts, “I know you didn’t have to. Like— after how I acted to you. But— But I really do appreciate that you’re givin' me a chance here.” He’d always been confused about how positive and faithful you were in people. He never thought he’d be grateful for those exact features too.

“No worries, I… I had a good time. I’m glad we talked.” The keys jingle as you fidget with them. Among them is a keychain in the shape of a cherry, he recognizes it. It reminds him of how little you’ve both changed. And how much.

“Yeah.” He sighs. Relieved, almost. “Me too. But I’ll let you leave, might wanna tell your chef the good news.”

“Good news?” You quirk an eyebrow.

“That you’re selling them the business.”

“I haven’t decided yet, Carm.” You scoff. But he can tell you have, you look too excited about it all to not have your mind made up yet. It excites him too. Scares him a bit as well, but what’s a new chapter without a bit of tension?

“Right. Sorry.” He huffs. “Just text me when you wanna head over to see the place. It’s uh… It’s a work in progress, but it’s getting somewhere.”

“I believe you. I’m looking forward to it.” You lean back against your car a little.

“Yeah. Me too.”

“See y’around?” You unlock it and walk up to the driver’s side.

“Course. Uh, don’t be a stranger.”

You grin, leaning down to get into the vehicle. “Never with you, Berzatto.”

He watches you drive off, standing in the cold for far longer than any sensible person has any business standing there. But he feels good. He feels warm.

He thinks about what you said to him before you left. You were right, you were never a stranger to him. You were always like a constant in his life; whether you were actually present or not. And even if he didn’t know that much about you, which he was insistent on changing, you were never a stranger.

Never with him.

tag list <3

@beebslebobs @thatone-brightstar  @spr3id  @deadandstill  @777iii  @magicboytrash  @dogdevourer @wiipes @sierrahhh  @crayzmarvelfan800 @azxulaa  @astridyoo15   @rexorangecouny  @azxulaa @jointherebellion215 @diorrfairy @chanluuvr @idontexist-anymore @wolfiealina

[littlegeecko]

Thoughts on Carl x Flynn?

EEEEEHHEHFOEAOEODJFDJABSODNJEHBEHJ!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUMPS UP AN DOWN AT MAXIMUM VELOCITY sorry anyways

This is gonna be a long one so buckle up! some spoilers for METAPHOR, BENEFITS, Jenna's good ending and parts of Flynn's route

You already kno thats my shit fr fr lmao

But if i had to go in depth about em, i would point out many things, such as the way that both pretty much sway with each other effortlessly, their interactions feel natural and nice, and granted, theres no hanging tension on them compared to Flynn and everyone else in this fucking group.I think thats moreso a side effect to Carl being so chill tho, you just...vibe with him.

I think first and foremost they're good friends, and that's what they really need in a fucked up place such as Echo, people they can trust and be with without much conflict and be themselves, hell, Flynn states multiple times that Carl is the one thing keeping him sane in this town and giving him a reason to keep going on about his life there, and i dont doubt Carl feels the same by the way he reacts to Flynn possibly leaving (and he even steps up and says he'll go back to Pueblo after they escape Echo, promising to bring Flynn with him. So its not about "Stay here with me" like someone, it's "Anywhere as long you're there")

I can totally understand how people can see their relationship as platonic considering Flynn shows mannerisms with Carl that he shared with Sydney when young, and the fact it's implied Flynn and Syd viewed each other as brothers, but i think that's just how Flynn is; a protector, making sure the people he cares about are alright to the best of his abilities regardless of how fucked up the situation might be, keeping his head high and levered so the others can hang on to him- with some exceptions, of course.

Do I think they make a good couple? i believe yes!

Their presonalities could seem clashing for some but they make it work very well, and they attend each other's weaknesses, such as Flynn helping Carl on his anxiety an depression to the best of his abilities, and Carl allowing Flynn to open up about what's on his mind and being there for him when he needs him the most, and defending him given the chance, no strings attached. Those are their sore spots as characters, and they just make it work without it seeming toxic or one-sided, at least for me

They already have good chemistry as friends, and theres a growing feeling there if you pay attention to the small little things on almost each route when it comes to them, blink and u miss it type stuff, until u get to Flynn's route and its straight up longing for each other: Carl shows jealousy for Flynn talking about Chase and what transpired between em, but he doesn't intervene (Perhaps his own low self-steem?) because he still cares for Flynn's happiness. And Flynn on the other hand is looking for a meaningful emotional relationship, and literally all the interactions he has with both Chase and Leo are turbulent and bring in a new layer of issues to the friend group, this doesn't happen with Carl, he even says he's happy to have this loser around- wishes he could sit beside him in Leo's van- and even indirectly asks him about his feelings about him ("If this wasn't real...is there anything you want to tell to not-real me?")

LIKE YOU TWO ARE SO DOWN FOR EACH OTHER IT MAKES YOU BOTH LOOK STUPID!!! and the part where they talk in Flynn's room??? JENNA'S REACTION? CARL'S REACTION??!??!?! you won't see me shutting up about it. The fact characters keep interrupting them on those moments is just so telling

and man if i had to go in depth about Flynn's route when it comes to Carl uguhhhhhhuhuuhufhdsjfsj rips my hair out

But yea, i love them as a couple, they bounce off each other and vibe together so well, and i think they can both help each other become the best versions of themselves once they leave Echo, together. Thats why i like Jenna's Good ending so much, at least there, theres a promise of them actually getting to that point in their relationship, and living together comfortably (like the waffle house scene....im obsessed, ill never be the same...)

Extra notes!

The fact Flynn fell for Carl despite him not fitting the type of guys he likes to bang just tells me he's genuinely interested in him for his feelings, personality and the way Carl treats him

AND I MIGHT JUST BE INSANEEEE BUT AFTER WATCHING METAPHOR? FLYNN GIFTING CARL A LIGHTER THAT WORKS JUST FINE ITS LIKEEEEEEE HMMMMM EEEEHEHEHEHHE YOU KNOWWWW

Carl caring MORE about Flynn leaving than him possibly having something with Chase because he feels thats how he could genuinely loose him guughhhhhgugh

AND THE WAY FLYNN IS THE ONE COMFORTING HIM IN THE JENNA ROUTE AND CARL HUGS HIM TIGHTER WHEN THEY JOKE ABOUT THEM GETTING MARRIED LIKE ??????EEEEHEHEHEH

I wish they kissed at least once womp

[mostlymaudlin]

For the writers ask meme: 15, 28, 29 :)

HIIII <3 TY FOR ASKING

15. If you could choose one of your fics to be filmed, which would you choose?

omg it HAS to be We Can Live Forever. that would be so fucking fun. i need to andrew doing body rolls to call me maybe 😂 silly-ness aside, i think i drew a lot of inspo from teenage coming of age movies for it, so the scenes tend to have a more cinematic/movement-heavy vibe to them!

28. Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

omg always so embarrassing to do this hahaha. ok u should all know by now that i lead the @seasy33 fan club... syd makes me SICK every time. on the theme of "people who write andrew in a way that makes me want to chew on my phone" -- @alcego and @worldenough-and-time! do you guys want fic recs from these ppl? of course you do! straight from my bookmarks, heed tags:

not to blame for falling series by binarystars04 (@worldenough-and-time)

disuninvited by alcego

if you really love nothing by seasy33 [screaming and punching the wall etc]

anyway yeahhhh all three of these authors write an andrew that is just sooo, like, sensitive and hopeful? without stripping him of any of his strength or sharpness. or humor! yeah they never miss.

29. If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

oh this is such a cool question omg. i think i want to preface by saying that i really fucking love the way this fic ends and i dont think it NEEDS anything else. but i recently read "It never comes from your enemies" by spectaclesandbooks and i have been THINKING about the longstanding consequences of that one. WHEW, it was a doozy. andrew fucked up really bad and i was like feral for multiple hours afterward screaming "OF COURSE NEIL FORGIVES HIM" at everyone who half-listened to me lol. dont look at the comments i was being so weird hahaha. SO i think i would be really interested in a sequel that takes us further into the future, where neil's forgiveness is tested in some way. mostly so that i could really double down on "OF COURSE!!! OF COURSE HE WOULD.... HOW COULD HE NOT???" anyway yeah heed tags again lmfao but that was some good shit

[ggukkiedae]

moot game? give your filo moots an opm song!!

alslskf lezzgaur! i only have two filo moots rn (eri i miss u) unless some of my current moots wanna reveal themselves to be filos 👀 but here we go!

first of for @jammingjaem ! im giving ate lexa alapaap by eraserheads mostly because suuuuper good vibes lang talaga siya like the song to me is very barkada having fun and i feel like ganun yung feeling pag makasama si ate lexa! so yun nga eto ako hoping na magiging close pa kami kahit nahihiya ako sobra alsmdmd 🫶🏻

next is @jenodreamer! i’m giving tila tala by syd hartha which is abt like nagkakagusto sa kaibigan and i saw her rb saying how she got close to someone and had feelings for him but he saw them as friends lang bc like same naganun din ako pero yung nakasituationship niya noon is yung best friend ko akskdkd so same ish there 😭 (also we havent spoken yet bc im shy soooo hi hehehehet 🫶🏻)

anyway if there are kpop tumblr filos out there that wanna be moots, hiiiii drop me a dm or an ask~ 🥰

[kylejsugarman]

requisite “jonah dealing with the aftermath of his breakup with amy and her moving away” but with the added dimension of how his relationship with parker factors into his grief and reaction. like i think we can all agree that we saw how much jonah truly and completely loved that kid, like are we supposed to think he just accepted him being gone?? hello?? can anyone hear me?? 

[sometimes-i-write-4-you]

now we’re even - Stanley Barber x reader

a\n: i’m so bad at naming fics goddamit. anyway this wasn’t requested but i got a few Stan requests, and i missed writing for him so i was happy to see you guys want to see more for him :)

word count: 1726

---

2 words, 13 letters. Stanley Barber. Even though he was an open book, he was a mystery to me. How can a guy like him, with everything he went through, stay so… positive? He was like a bubble gum bubble that refused to get popped – I expected him to be a fragile person, but in reality, he was stronger than me.

The homecoming dance was the event that made me finally understand that. Between the two of us – Sydney's cousin and Sydney's friend – he was the one that thought about grabbing her journal. I was completely paralyzed. Years of watching supernatural didn't prepare me for the real deal.

I was in a state of complete shock, so in order to snap me out of it (after every other idea failed, according to him) he kissed me. That was an even bigger shock than seeing someone's head explode, so the fact I have to run finally sank. He dragged me put of the gym, and we never spoke of the kiss again other than him clarifying it's sole purpose was to snap me out of my shock.

Was I hoping it meant something? maybe. He is head over heels for my cousin, so I think my chances are slim. How pathetic is this? I am in love with a guy who's in love with my cousin, or at least was. I had no idea if he was still into her, considering the fact she was a taken women.

Dina and Syd started dating the week after homecoming after knowing they like each other as more than friends for about 2 weeks, meanwhile I had a crush on Stan for years, and the closest to confessing I ever got was when in 6th grade I told him I like him. he said he likes me too and hugged me.

"I like you too, best friend". Those words were the most painful thing my 12 year old soul was ever told. The closest thing I ever came to date Stanley was when at 5th grade I asked him to pretend to be my boyfriend because Sarah was making fun of me for never having one. We held hands, and one time he kissed me on the cheek right in front of the 11-year-old mean girl. Sarah never made fun of me again.

"hey, yo, (y\n\n)!" a familiar voice called. It belonged to a vert specific curly-haired boy. "hey, Stan" I smiled at him. the hallway was almost empty. It was me, him and some students I can't name. "Syd and Dina want me to join them for a movie at Syd's, and I don't wanna be a third wheel-" "Syd mentioned it" I cut him off, "i gave her an ultimatum but she won't let me choose the movie".

"that's because you have a terrible taste in movies. No offence, but on what earth is Little Italy a good movie?" Stan laughed, "come on. (y\n), you can't leave me hanging like that. Third wheeling with a girl I had a crush on? That's cool on the earth Little Italy is an award-winning piece of art". He was looking at me with puppy eyes, but even without I had to agree.

"first of all, Little Italy is so bad it's amazing. It deserves an award or two for that. second of all… fine" I sighed. I think that if it's for him, I'll do pretty much anything, and the worst part about it that he will do the same for me, but for a different reason. I can tell him I love him and he'll say it back, but he'll mean it in a completely different way.

"you-" he said, pointing at me, "are awesome" he finished, giving me a short peck on my forehead, resting his hand on my shoulder for a second. "yeah well, one of us has to be" I tease him. he frowns at me, and he looked so cute I almost took it back, but his frown turned into a smile fast and he waved goodbye as he walk backwards, off to his class. I waved back and turned to go to my class.

"you two are still a thing?" asked a girl with bleached blond hair and cheerleader uniforms. "we never did, Sarah, it was a fun little pretend to get you to stop bulling me" I replied. She was actually a nice girl now. Kind of. "oh, sorry about that, (y\n)" she laughed, "but you know, you look at him like there's more to it and he looks at you like that too. I would know, boys look at me like that all the time" she said, and I couldn't decide if it makes me want to punch her or thank her. "that's... sort of nice of you, Sarah" I smiled back and went to class.

I finally got home. I threw my bag on the floor and hurried to my closet to choose an outfit for the double-not-date with my friends. I tried on a hoodie with holes that have some jeans on them, a T shirt over a button up with a pair of pants, a black jumper and even the dress I wore for my brother's wedding earlier this year. I ended up settling on a shirt and ripped jeans.

I arrived at Syd's house. "oh, hey there favorite cousin" I smiled when she finally opened the door. U passed right by her to hug Liam. "(y\n)!" he smiled, happy to see me. My aunt was working, and "babysitting" Liam was a part of deal. Syd looked at me, fake-hurt and dramatically sighed, hand on her chest. Dina was sitting on the couch, Stan laughing by her side. "nice burn" he said. "well, now that you two are here, we can leave" Dina smiled, getting up.

"what?" I said, looking at in confusion. "well when we said we want you guys to come over so that we can watch a movie… we meant you guys are staying here to babysit my brother so Dina and I can go watch a movie" Syd said, "sorry. Thank you, bye guys!" Dina said, both waving as the door shut behind them. "wel…" Stan sighed, hand on the back of the couch. Liam was laughing. "you got FOOLED" he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me after him, "puzzle".

"I like puzzles" Stan said, quickly catching up. "they're in the basement" Liam said, pointing at the door, "I am not allowed to go down there, but you can do it, right?" he looked at us. Basements are scary, this one especially considering what went down there. "sure" Stan smiled, "you coming?" he looked at me, and I nodded.

We walked down the dark stairs. "where's the light switch-" I mumbled, moving my hand across the wall and losing focus. I almost tripped, just as Stan turned on the light. He grabbed my hand, stopping my fall and pulling me next to him. I stumbled into his arms on the step. "thanks" I said. "no problamo" he replied, smiling at me. We kept moving into the basement, and I spotted a puzzle on one of the closets. With the light on, and Stan by my side, a basement is not as scary as I expected, so I grabbed something to stand on and pull the puzzle out of the pile of box games.

"so, how do you feel about the trick Dina and Syd pulled?" Stan asked, leaning against the table. "I'm fine with it" I said, "I like Liam, he's great kid". "yeah, he seems like a smart young gentleman, but I meant how do you feel about being stuck with me?" Stan said, and I could hear him kicking the floor. "it's not like we never hung out alone" I said, slightly confused. "well, yeah, but not since homecoming" he said. Oh, right. That.

After homecoming I was terrified of hanging out with him alone. He kissed me, and I was so embossed he had to, even though he made it clear later that he sees me as a best friend and nothing more. It wasn't exactly a pleasant thing to hear. We still talked, and sometimes sat together in school but it was awkward. I liked him, and he didn't like me. Ouch.

"really? I didn't notice. Sorry" I lied, getting on my toes on the chair to reach for the puzzle. The chair was slightly rocky, so Stan hurried to come and hold it in its place. "yeah, I... look, I'm sorry if kissing you made things awkward, I'm taking it back. Like I said, you're my best friend. I don't want to lose you over a stupid kiss. I just thought it would pull you out of the shock" he explained, his words cut like knifes. "yeah, and you were right" I said, pulling out the puzzle and handing it to him. he took a step back, giving me space to get off the chair. "let's make it even" I say, and I have no idea where I got the courage to quickly press my lips against his. "you kissed me, I kissed you and case clo-" I said, but his lips crushing on mine stopped me from finishing the sentence. I was a bit surprised, but I kissed back the moment I realized what was going on. My hands rested on his shoulder, and his hand found my waist to pull me closer. The thud of the puzzle box falling on the floor reminded us where we were. "guys, what's taking so long?" I hear Liam calling. "is there a monster down there? I'm coming to save you!" he said. I picked up the puzzle quickly. "that was cool" I smiled at Stan, "should definitely do it again, just not when we babysit my 12-year-old cousin". "yeah" he nodded, "I agree".  Liam showed up, holding a light saber. And his face turned into a disappointed frown. "where's the monster?" he asked. "she heard you saying you're coming, and she run away" Stan said, nodding. "yeah, she said you are way stronger than her" I said. Liam smiled proudly and led us upstairs to do the puzzle. I gave Stan a smile, offering him my hand. He took it and followed me out of the basement, turning off the light.

[ariereii]

I wanna see the picrews of ur bsd OCs!! ^o^

oh hello !!!! this is probably gonna be a lot/v long...

(ik u didnt ask but i wanted to add info about them too u dont have to read those parts)

so here's the one that has the most accurate portrayal of her (and the 1st i made)

i mean this is literally her, she just has a scar on the side of the face and/or across her nose, haven't decided...

here's the rest, as usual click for better quality:

info: kage, 19, asexual, aromantic, autistic, assassin for the port mafia, kills for fun, smiles while doing it, not highly ranked but also not low ranked, keeps to herself, i made her a loner until i made my next oc blaze. they occasionally communicate. weapon of choice: gun. at first i gave her no power but now i think she has a power that she can't miss / perfect aim? idk. maybe that only works with guns and she also sometimes uses knives to kill and other stuff to challenge herself.

next oc, blaze. i wanted to spell it like blaise, but i wanted it to mean 'fire' and that spelling means something else.

i don't have a picture that shows perfectly what he looks like, like with kage but, this one is the closest

he has those exact scars on his body and he also has bandages covering his eye to match with kage.

info: blaze, 22, homosexual, aromantic, autistic, deaf, his hearing aid makes him be able to hear a tiny bit but most of the time he can't hear shit, (i cried when i saw some picrews with a hearing aid), uses bsl bc he's british, moved to japan with his best friend (my next oc), i haven't decided on his ethnicity but he's south asain, an assassin for the port mafia, likes to use knives to kill, sometimes guns even tho he doesn't have to. he has a fire power, haven't decided exactly what. but he could easily kill people with fire, which he does do. doesn't kill for fun tho, only for his job.

next one:

i don't have a name for him yet but for now im calling him sydney (i need him to have a name that means 'water' bc he's trans and he wanted a name that means water cos blaze's name means fire and he's fucking gay for him and he's a nerd like that. sydney was on a list of water related names but its not close enough)

im mad there's nothing similar to the anime style, but this is the one that portrays him the best (its always the first one i make lol) :

info: name tba or sydney, 20, bisexual, demiboy (male and non-binary) (afab, transitioned), blind (became blind at age 13, years after he met blaze), autistic, (him and blaze met as kids in england and this group for disabled & autistic kids), nerdy, good boy, never done anything wrong in his life, ridiculously in love with blaze, when he moved to japan with blaze when he was like 18, blaze found out about the port and joined, syd was totally against that and they fell out but still remained friends, he found the ADA and joined that, the relationship was obviously strained cos of the opposite sides but they're still best friends.

he either doesn't have an ability or has one that is helpful for the agency or something, idk yet. definitely one that cant be used for killing anyway. he's new. i have to think about that.

(they eventually get together)

thank you so much for asking, sorry this is so long!

[sydncyhauscns-blog]

hi qts !! so i missed the opening of this rp bc i’m actual trash and passed tf out like ok leave it to me to do smth like that lmao. but anyway my name is zara and i've been apart of the rpc for like 6 years now (wow wtf where has the time gone omg n why am i rambling sm srry) and i haven't rped in a while at least on tumblr (rip twitter rps) so i'm v excited to plot and para and write w everyone ! hmu or like this post if ya want to plot, etc. under the read more is a lil about my lil moody, manipulative, destructive bean sydney ! (i based her character heavily on letty from the show good behavior).

ok ok so sydney, (if u want to get on her bad side call her syd, but everyone is automatically on her bad side anyway bc she hates everyone n gets easily annoyed lol) is a shitty ass selfish person tbh. that’s not to say she doesn’t have redeemable qualities— she is authentic and realistic and she doesn’t fuck around. she is extremely manipulative, charming when she wants to be, persuasive & alluring. she can turn on any persona when she wants but it’s always to obtain something she desires. if she’s being nice, it’s not genuine n she needs something ! she has multiple different facades that she has invented over the years— that’s how she got rich in the first place. she has stolen money & luxurious items including cars (!!), jewelry, designer clothing and handbags, handles of liquor, etc. she’s addicted to stealing— it gives her a rush like no other. she also never gets caught— well, she did one time and that’s when she went to jail for 4 years for petty theft, but she loathes that she got caught and she’ll deck you in the face if you bring it up. she doesn’t necessarily keep her arrest a secret bc she is incapable of being ashamed about anything (she doesn’t have normal human emotion) but she doesn’t like to exploit the fact it happened. it takes away from everything she portrays— uncaring, incredibly tactical, etc. all she does is steal, but it can get intense bc she literally steals peoples’ identities and owns several wigs (shoutout to letty from good behavior damn that show’s amazing 10/10 would recommend !). she goes to fancy hotels n charms the bartender/other staff members while drinking (she drinks excessively n she def has an alcohol addiction) and finds the keypad code to get into the rooms that she knows people are not in, breaks into their safes & steals everything they own. that’s how she worked her way up— by hard work, maybe, but not by being a good person, instead by being a criminal and a fraud. people aren't aware of what she does bc she’s good at keeping it a secret and covering her tracks (unless ya want to plot that out) ! that’s all for rn !! I should probs make a wanted connections page & if i think of more i'll add to this post ! i’m v srry this is all over the place & if there are any typos i apologize ! 

[saltfishcake]

Rules: Answer 21 questions and then tag 21 people you want to get to know better

tagged by @okag4 <3

Name: diamonda

Nickname: dee

Gender: female

Zodiac: leo

Height: 5'0"

Time: 10:25 pm 

Favorite Musicians: shinee, nct, loona, mitski, nao, syd, majid jordan, phony ppl, daye jack

Song stuck in my head: dat one tik tok song where its like hit or miss i guess they never miss huh .__.

Last movie I saw: halloween

Last thing I googled: deltarune IONO WHAT IT WAS but i just now found out its some undertale game n eyem.

Other blogs: @uchidee and uhhh a sim blog but i dont get on them anymore n theyre pretty old anyways

Do I get asks: no...but HELLO :D please...

Why I chose this url: my gma makes it all the time n dat stuff YUMMY 

Following: 3,050. i know...

Amount of sleep I get: 4-5 hours

Lucky number: 25

What I’m wearing: sweatpants socks n pj top

Dream job: choreographer

Dream trip: anywhere nice

Favorite foods: curry pizza and fruity pebbles

Instruments: no toco instrumentos ;-; i wish

Favorite songs rn:

hi-d - girlfriends feat. ZEEBRA  (they b sangin)

esty - i do

nao - orbit

izone - la vien rose

mnek - crazy world

Tagging: no one im super tired rn but anyone can tag me n say i tagged u 

[zhouxuns]

So what changed? And what didn’t?

(long post)

This meta about the future timeline will be broken down by three affecting aspects

- The integrity of the timelines and multiverse

- David’s dissociative identity disorder

- Ptonomy’s time theory

According to the Vermillion, the future we see Syd in and the moment she sends to orb to retrieve David happens roughly 20-30 years from season 2. 

Future!Syd’s timeline is apocalyptic because of David. She’s missing an arm. Her hair is knotted. Her gloves aren’t even gloves, they only cover her fingers, not her whole hand. And she exists in some sort of capsule. Things are horrible and bleak in the future he creates. Still, she’s able to reach past!David to deliver him a message in hopes to change everything.

And the end of s2, Syd’s still wearing the compass necklace that David gave her, the same one we see her wearing in the future. At first I wasn’t certain that Syd’s future timeline was intact anymore because of how the season ended (Farouk being alive) but because the Vermillion confirm that it’s Cary who still builds the orb decades later and because of Syd still wearing the necklace, this makes me think it still is, or at least some version of it.

This very compass necklace, that, incidentally, David had Cary make as a “gift” for Syd at the beginning of s2 to quell her fear of abandonment. Syd never stops wearing this necklace even after David’s betrayal. Which is how she’s able to find him no matter where he goes.

Future!Syd tells David that he’s how she knew him before The Turn. Aka when the split personalities take over and he becomes evil and leaves to become “god” or whatever. She called him sweet. We knew before that this meant David ends up on a dark path. But now having seen David’s crime against his relationship with Syd unfold, it puts a whole new tragic spin on what Future!Syd says. She even tells David she wants to be “his Syd.” That she misses that David. To have what they had before. Syd still held on. All those years later.

David tells Future!Syd “I don’t know what happens to me, to us, what disaster or monster, but...you came to me because of love. You trust me.” And he’s right. Because horrible (f u Noah) things do end up happening to them as we eventually find out.

But the inevitability is that David turns anyways. And Future!Syd came to this conclusion when he decided to stop working with her. You see, The Turn isn’t that David kills Farouk. Everyone was so focused on that. We thought oh, once he commits the final atrocity, he will become too evil and too powerful. The Turn is the psychotic break. That he sees what he becomes. And it was going to happen one way or another. Future!Syd doesn’t tell David if he’s dead in the future, rather that it’s complicated. And she’s right.

”Our” David is not the David of the future. Future!Syd tells David that the apocalypse came about “ like any other idea. Like an egg.” We know from the Jon Hamm narrations the egg analogy is about delusion. David’s insanity broke loose and he became Legion. With uncontrolled god powers, David then breaks the world.

In comes David’s dissociative identity disorder. With dissociative identity disorder, different personalities, or alters as they’re called, can possess different mental illnesses. They have different lives, different histories, different worlds they live in.

Legion is a collection of personalities. Divad tells David that he is the mentally ill one. That his sickness is his delusions. That it started “like an egg”. Dvd, the other alter, says David is not sick. That Syd is sick. David’s alters that we’ve met so far hate Syd. They try to convince David that Syd is a delusion and so is his love for her and hers for him. That he doesn’t need Syd or any of them. That Syd suppresses them. That David is “god”. This obviously works as his alters control him and he takes the back seat. David is no long he. He becomes they/we/us.

So next we have Ptonomy’s time theory. Ptonomy’s time theory is that there is no present. There is only past and future.

We actually have already seen Ptonomy’s time theory unfold in season 1. The final scene of the finale where the orb takes David. The one Cary builds in the future using the coordinates from Syd’s necklace that David gives to Syd in the future, which has become the past, to prevent the future David causes.

Everything that has happened in season 2, the “present” has been completely inconsequential to the past and future. Syd had already retroactively caused her own pain by taking David from her in the orb. There was no love to save because Syd and David’s relationship had already been doomed to failure. Future!Syd is alone and heartbroken. Future!David is...someone else. David’s Turn was already set in stone because his personalities had grown more present by the time he was freed from the orb and exacerbated by the return of Lenny, the murder of his sister, the manipulations of Farouk, and losing Syd’s love. Heck, even every time Farouk was so close to being killed, something has gotten in the way of stopping it. The past and future already dictated each other.

Does this mean everything is permanently doomed? Perhaps not. Because we have the the multiverse. Chapter 14 showed us all the paths David’s life takes. Paths where Shadow King had won and David was never freed of his torment. Paths where his lives ended in demise or where he became an evil douchebag. We know that the multiverse exists in Legion. 

We also know that this current timeline/verse is the only verse that David has met Syd in. I say this because it was exactly through Syd that David had woken up from the Shadow King. There is something about this verse that was meant to be different from all the others, where through Syd breaking his chains, David was able to have a fighting chance against Shadow King. 

It’s also worth noting that we’re given a glance of 616!David watching Future!Syd in a crystal ball in a room full of bones and a swell bellied Lenny with blood coming out of her mouth. (Which spurs on a whole new set of theories because this David and Lenny aren’t older like future!Syd is. So is he merely watching an alternate timeline or is Syd captive in his own little pokeball?)

So with all that being said, what about the future timeline has changed? And how do things change in the future timeline? They tried to prevent the future by preventing the past. But maybe that wasn’t the way to do it. Maybe there is another way. 

According to this article,

http://www.syfy.com/syfywire/legion-creator-noah-hawley-explains-why-that-big-finale-twist-was-always-part-of-the-plan?amp&__twitter_impression=true

Noah Hawley says that in s3, Syd becomes the protagonist. That, according to Noah, Syd is the real “hero”. We will see Syd vs David in s3. I am unsure of the outcome of everything or how exactly that’s supposed to work. Naturally I hope they do change things. That maybe things will come full circle after all. And if/when they do, despite Amahl’s involvement, Syd will play a key role in all of it.

[cancatervation]

favourite music 2017

The affording of enormous weight to barely concealed fragility and vulnerability; when I pore over the contents of my iTunes from the last twelve or so months it’s plainly apparent that this is the hill I’ve elected to die on. Almost all the albums I found myself infatuated with at some point or another in 2017 meditated upon desire, the transience of romance, and the anguish that often accompanies its pursuit.

I’m acutely aware of how oddly this contrasts with my own life, which for the past almost-two-years has been romantically fulfilling in the way that my previous 25 absolutely weren’t. On this, I would say two things. First, that stability is elusive even (maybe especially?) for the most outwardly rose-coloured of us, and that maintaining relationship hygge takes compromise and is not easy, and for those reasons feelings of vulnerability are never far from the front of my mind; and, second, that it’s testament to the skill of certain songwriters and performers that their work was able to make this gay-ass conventionalist really feel something every now and again last year.

I wouldn’t want to suggest that I only just worked out that the theatrical presentation of desire is something I’m drawn to, but certainly there were some things in the past year that I really did begin to understand. Theatricality is often used in a critical sense as pejorative; something that is too extra, that goes too far, that is all tell and no show. Despite its predisposition towards excess, musical theatre has, for instance, always played out as sterile and spurious to me. (Sorry. And look at it this way, you don’t ever need to worry about getting me tickets to Hamilton). It’s so dramatic that it becomes too dramatic; your self-awareness isn’t allowed the chance to be suspended, even for a moment. An album like Lorde’s Melodrama makes its intentions apparent before you’ve even heard a note of it, but its theatrics (and there are many - think of the wailed chorus of “Writer In The Dark”, the gory car crash of “Homemade Dynamite”, the bridge in “Supercut” that accelerates like you’re on a bike rushing down a hill) are as easily consumed by sitting silently in tears as they are dancing, or walking, or lifting heavy weights, or running up a hill (to make or not to make a deal with God), or lying in blissful supta baddha konasana. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that hyperemotional vulnerability is for all seasons and for all hours of the day and I am now happy to welcome it into every aspect of my life.

I wrote over fifty blurbs for various songs on the Singles Jukebox last year. Some I loved, some I hated, what’s new. I wrote a blurb for “Praying”, Kesha’s first solo single in nearly five years, which turned out to be both the highest scoring song on the site for 2017 and the champion of my personal “list”. I sort of said all this already on the Jukebox, but my love for “Praying” lies nearly entirely in the way Kesha leans so heavily into her aphorisms, finding new ways to bring profundity to ostensibly simple lines like “I’m proud of who I am”. (Contrast this with most of Taylor Swift’s 2017 work, which forewent specific detail in favour of portentously loaded maxim, but forgot about nuance and came up mostly dry). When Kesha punctuates her sermon with a thunderous kick drum, it’s basically game over. As the stories of survivors of sexual assault, abuse and harassment began to dominate news media in the second half of the year, the song only gathered further resonance.  

Lorde’s album held court as my favourite for most of the year. A promo image released by Kelela at the beginning of August threatened a coup. The odds shortened a few days later upon the release of its lead single and the arrival of the full album at the beginning of October marked the tangible takeover. Take Me Apart is all juxtaposition, which when applied to albums is often code for jumbled quagmire, but here there’s too much attention to detail, steadfastness of narrative, and, er, feeling, to get mixed up in anything like that. It see-saws between playful flirting, introspection, self-acceptance, control, loss of control, falling slowly through the sky, and falling fast through the abyss. I love it so much. It’s also very queer and very Black. Support Black queer art! Especially when it’s this well crafted.

Aside from all THAT, my favourite things in music last year were Moses Sumney’s Tiny Desk Concert, attending the Lorde show in the Botanic Gardens,  the line “every single day I fight another war; every single night I feel more powerful!” in Rina Sawayama’s “Take Me As I Am”, and Rihanna telling Diplo his music sounded like a “a reggae song at an airport”.

My ten favourite songs of 2017 were:

1. Kesha “Praying” - as above and here;

2. Lorde “Green Light” - see here. The score given, however, is wrong. Add another point.

3. Sigrid “Strangers” - see here. I can’t wait until she’s everywhere and everyone knows her; her potential to me scans as “unlimited / infinite / fucking enormous, if it must be quantifiable”.

4. MUNA “I Know a Place”. The album version is acceptable but I’m also partial to this live one, which involves some changes to the lyrics.

5. Tove Lo “Disco Tits”. Like a wonky, filthy Kylie B-side played underwater.

6. Kelela “Turn To Dust”. Refer also to the first set of songs below. She didn’t play this at her concert this week, which is lucky, because otherwise its title may have proved prophetic.

7. Nilüfer Yanya “Baby Luv” - see here. See also dirgey diatribe above re: vulnerability.

8. Rae Morris “Do It” - I’ve become more and more besotted with this as time has passed and am not sure whether I’m most impressed by a) the wordplay b) the ping-ponging percussion in the second verse c) the subtle yet giant switch-up halfway through d) the soaring vocals or e) managing all of the above in less than 3 and a half minutes.

9. Rina Sawayama “Alterlife” - it did not take me long to request for lamination of a stan card for a popstar who loves key changes and here deftly incorporates influences as diverse as the Need For Speed soundtrack, Samantha Mumba and Madonna at her glassiest.

10. Tove Styrke “Mistakes” - see here. I’m ready for her to run away with 2018, in or out of a wedding dress.

Aside from those, here are some other songs I enjoyed in 2017, variously categorised and (with the “top 10″) collected in a Spotify playlist, located here:

Songs that can make you feel like you’re floating slowly heavenward

Björk “Arisen My Senses”

Charli XCX “Track 10”

Julie Byrne “Natural Blue”

Julien Baker “Appointments”

Moses Sumney “Quarrel”

Rae Morris “Do It (Nico Muhly Dance Remix)”

Sampha “(No One Knows Me) Like The Piano”

Sevdaliza “Loves Way”

Slowdive “Slomo”

St. Vincent “Slow Disco”

Susanne Sundfør “Undercover”

Dance music that I barely pay any attention to throughout the calendar year and then become unusually enthusiastic about come end-of-year-list season

Bicep “Vale”

Gerd Janson x Shan "Surrender”

Honey Dijon “Catch The Beat”

Jad & The “Strings That Never Win”

Kink “Perth”

Minor Science “Volumes”

Octo Octa “Adrift (Avalon Emerson’s Furiously Awake Version)”

Shanti Celeste “Make Time”

SW. “Untitled B2”

The xx “On Hold (Jamie xx Remix)”

Yaeji “Raingurl”

Songs for the summer gloaming

Charlotte Day Wilson “Doubt”

Daniel Caesar “Blessed”

Frank Ocean “Chanel”

Jessie Ware “Stay Awake, Wait For Me”

Ladi6 “Guru”

Rachel Foxx “Happen To Me”

Sampa The Great “Bye River”

Sevyn Streeter “Before I Do”

Syd “Body”

Tyler, The Creator “Garden Shed feat. Estelle”

Plaintive songs for grey afternoon walks

Alvvays “Dreams Tonite”

Amandla Stenberg “Let My Baby Stay”

HAIM “You Never Knew”

Kehlani “Advice”

Khalid “Winter”

Lana Del Rey “Love”

Laura Marling “Next Time”

Paramore “Forgiveness”

Perfume Genius “Die 4 You”

St. Vincent “Happy Birthday, Johnny”

SZA “Prom”

Taylor Swift “New Year’s Day”

Best bangers

Amber Mark “Heatwave”

Charli XCX “Lipgloss feat. Cupcakke”

Charli XCX “Porsche feat. MØ”

Charlotte Gainsbourg “Deadly Valentine”

Charly Bliss “Glitter”

Drake “Get It Together feat. Jorja Smith & Black Coffee”

Dua Lipa “New Rules”

Haiku Hands “Not About You”

Ibibio Sound Machine “Give Me A Reason”

ionnalee “Samaritan”

J. Balvin x Willy William “Mi Gente feat. Beyoncé”

J. Hus “Did You See”

Jessie Ware “Your Domino”

Jorja Smith x Preditah “On My Mind”

Kah-Lo “Fasta”

Kelela “Truth Or Dare”

Kendrick Lamar “LOYALTY. feat. Rihanna”

Kllo “Last Yearn”

Leikeli47 “Miss Me”

Lorde “Sober”

Maliibu Miitch “4AM”

Miguel “Banana Clip”

Nite Jewel “2 Good 2 Be True”

Paramore “Hard Times”

Phoenix “J-Boy”

Rina Sawayama “Take Me As I Am”

Ronika “Better Than Ever”

Rose Elinor Dougall “All At Once”

Sigrid “Don’t Kill My Vibe”

Stormzy “Big For Your Boots”

The Horrors “Something To Remember Me By”

Tove Lo “Shedontknowbutsheknows”

Whethan “love gang feat. Charli XCX”

Wolf Alice “Don’t Delete The Kisses”

Finally, here are thirty albums I loved last year. Onwards and upwards!

1. Kelela Take Me Apart

2. Lorde Melodrama

3. SZA Ctrl

4. Fever Ray Plunge

5. Charly Bliss Guppy

6. Wolf Alice Visions Of A Life

7. Rina Sawayama RINA

8. Jessie Ware Glasshouse

9. Tove Lo Blue Lips

10. Charli XCX Pop 2

11. MUNA about u

12. Moses Sumney Aromanticism

13. Sevdaliza ISON

14. St Vincent MASSEDUCTION

15. Susanne Sundfør Music For People In Trouble

16. Ibeyi Ash

17. Sampa The Great Birds & The Bee9

18. Kink Playground

19. Daniel Caesar Freudian

20. Bicep Bicep

21. Sophia Kennedy - Sophia Kennedy

22. Miguel War & Leisure

23. Laura Marling Semper Femina

24. Ibibio Sound Machine Uyai

25. Jen Cloher Jen Cloher

26. Dua Lipa Dua Lipa

27. The xx I See You

28. Honey Dijon The Best Of Both Worlds

29. Kesha Rainbow

30. Leikeli47 Wash & Set

[david-was-here]

Songs of 2017

So like last year I’m listing my favorite songs of the year in no real particular order. And this year I think I listened to more music than I have ever for this entire year! So expect this to be BIG!!! The critera here is songs released in 2017, which includes singles and deep cuts, as well as songs that were released in 2016 but are hits on the Billboard Hot 100, and songs that were technically released in 2016 but are singles in 2017. Link to a playlist I made on Spotify. So without a further adieu...

Little Bubble, Cool Your Heart (feat. Dawns), Death Spiral, Up the Hudson, Work Together, I See You - the Dirty Projectors

(No One Knows Me) Like the Piano, Plastic 100°C, Kora Sings, Under, Blood on Me, Reverse Faults, Timmy’s Prayer, What Shouldn’t I Be? - Sampha

Hot Thoughts, WhisterI’lllistentohearit, Do I Have to Talk You Into It, First Caress - Spoon

Dangerous, A Violent Noise, Replica, I Dare You, A Violent Noise (Four Tet Remix), Say Something Lovely, Lips - the xx

Pure Comedy, Ballad of the Dying Man, Total Entertainment Forever, Leaving LA, WHne the God of Love Returns There’ll be Hell to Pay - Father John Misty

Avalon, Mrs. Adams, Trauma - Foxygen

In a Body Like a Grave - Japandroids

Things Are Right with You, Enter Entirely, Strange Year, Up to the Surface, Internal World - Cloud Nothings

My Old Man, This Old Dog, For the First Time, One Another, A Wolf Who Wears Sheeps Clothes, On the Level, Watching Him Fade Away - Mac DeMarco

That’s What I Like - Bruno Mars

Scared to be Lonely (feat. Dua Lupa), There for You (feat. Troye Sivan) - Martin Garrix

Call Casting, Bad and Boujee (feat. Lil Uzi Vert), Get Right Witcha, Slippery (feat. Gucci Mane), T-Shirt, Big on Big, Brown Paper Bag, Stir Fry - Migos

Nyakinyua Rise, Enigma - Jlin

Show You the Way (feat. Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins), Friend Zone, Uh Uh, Lava Lamp, Where I’m Going  - Thundercat

Thinning, Dirt, Slug, - Snail Mail

So Close - Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness

Doomsday, Shiver and Shake, Anything I Say to You Now, Breakdown, Outbound Train, Broken Anyway - Ryan Adams

Undercover, Keep On, Advice - Kehlani

Big for Your Boots, Cold - Stormzy

Minnesota, Country Song, Tour, Virgo - the Courtneys

BagBak, Big Fish, Love Can Be..., Homage, Crabs in a Bucket, Party People - Vince Staples

Leila 20, Nothing Feels Natural, No Big Bang, Nicki - Priests

Sleepwalker, Melting Grid, All the Land Glimmered - Julie Byrne

For You (DJ Koze Mbira Remix) - Michael Mayer and Joe Goddard

Slide (feat. Frank Ocean and Migos) Heatstroke (feat. Young Thug, Pharrell Williams, and Ariana Grande), Holiday (feat. Snoop Dogg, John Legend, and Takeoff), Feels (feat. Pharrell Williams, Katy Perry, and Big Sean), Cash Out (feat. ScHoolboy Q, PartyNextDoor, and DRAM) - Calvin Harris

Love, Change, Get Free - Lana Del Rey

Green Light, Liability, Homemade Dynamite, Sober II (Melodrama), Supercut, Perfect Places, Homemade Dynamite (Remix) (feat. Khalid, Post Malone, & SZA), Sober - Lorde (really just the album Melodrama but still...)

Bleeding in the Bus - Code Orange

Not This Time, Anything Could Happen, Breathing Room - Bash & Pop

Chanel, Biking (feat. Jay-Z and Tyler, the Creator) - Frank Ocean

Third of May/Ōdaigahara, Fool’s Errand, Cassius, -, Kept Woman, One Another Ocean (January/June), Mearcstapa - Fleet Foxes

Slip Away, Otherside, Go Ahead, Wreath, Braid, Every Night, Choir, Die 4 You, Sides - Perfume Genius

Tellin’ Lies, Midwestern States, House on Fire, After the Party - the Menzingers

Shake Em Off - Syd

Pleasure, Get Not High, Get Not Low, Lost Dreams, Any Party, A Man is Not His Song, Century (feat. Jarvis Cocker) - Feist

Kinda Bonkers - Animal Collective

Free Smoke, Get it Together (feat. Black Coffee and Jorja Smith), Madiba Riddim, Passionfruit - Drake

The Heat Part 4, HUMBLE., ELEMENT., FEEL., LUST., XXX. (feat. U2), FEAR., DUCKWORTH., DNA. - Kendrick Lamar

Crazy Crazy (feat. Charli XCX & Kyary Pamyu Pamyu) - Yasutaka Nakata

Ran, Cave, Time on Her Side, Through the Roses, North Star, Ancient Water, Day Glow Fire - Future Islands

Ascension (feat. Vince Staples), Andromeda (feat. DRAM), Strobelite (feat. Peven Everett), Momentz (feat. De La Soul), Out of Body (Kilo Kish, Zebra Katz, & Imani Vonsha), Let Me Out (feat. Mavis Staples & Pusha T), Sleeping Powder, Garage palace (feat. Little Simz), Saturnz Barz (feat. Popcaan) - Gorillaz

Daisy, Animal, Exercise, Dreams of Grandeur - Wavves

This is the World of the Theater, Whiteout Conditions, Colosseums - the New Pornographers

Limerence - Yves Tumor

Seaweed, Ravens, Swims - Mount Eerie

Sugar for the Pill, Slowmo, Star Roving, Don’t Know Why, Everyone Knows, No Longer Making Time - Slowdive

Cold Cold Cold - Cage the Elephant

Don’t Take the Money, All My Heroes, Dream of Mickey Mantle, I Miss Those Days - Bleachers

Stay (feat. Alessia Cara) - Zedd

iSpy (feat. Lil Yachty) - KYLE

Sign of the Times, Two Ghosts, Sweet Creatures, Ever Since New York, From the Dining Table - Harry Styles

The Cure - Lady Gaga

FOR MY PEOPLE, TEMPTATION, RING THE ALARM (feat. Nyck Caution, Kirk Knight, & Meechy Darko), AMERIKKKAN IDOL - Joey Bada$$

‘71: I Think I’ll make Another World, ‘88 Ethan Frome, ‘92: Weird Diseases, ‘01 Have You Seen It in Snow?, ‘05: Never Again, ’66: Wonder Where I’m From, ’67: Come Back as a Cockroach, ’68: A Cat Called Dionysus, ’69: Judy Garland, ‘73L It Could Have Been Paradise, ’77: Life Ain’t Bad, ’98: Lovers’Lies, ’04: Cold-Blooded Man, ’12: You Can Never Go Back to New York, ’14: I Wish I Had Pictures - the Magnetic Fields

Broken Halos, Either Way, Last Thing I Needed, First Thing This Morning, Millionaire, Scarecrow in the Garden - Chris Stapleton

Executioner’s Tax (Swing of the Axe), Nightmare Logic, Waiting Around to Die - Power Trip

Minneapolis, 100 Years, Cleaning House, Cold Apartment, Alive and a Well - Vagabon

The Bus Song, 1 Billion Dogs, Take It - Jay Som

Halfway Home, Skyline, Stay Happy, Hug of Thunder, Towers and Masons, Victim Lover - Broken Social Scene

Truth, Humility, Integrity - Kamasi Washington

Want You Back, Nothing’s Wrong, Little of Your Love - HAIM

In Cold Blood, Adeline - alt-J

Hungry Ghost, the Navigator, Rican Beach, Pa’lante - Hurray for the Riff Raff!

Feel it Still (even though I grew sick of it by the end of 2017) - Portugal. the Man

French Press, Julie’s Place, Fountain of Good Fortune - Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever

Gone, Gone, Gone, Time Will Tell - the Feelies

Wedding in Finistere, What’s That Perfume That You Wear?, How We Met, the Long Version, How Can I Tell Him - Jens Lekman

Thinking of a Place, Holding On, Up all Night, Pain, Strangest Thing, In Chains, You Don’t have to Go - the War on Drugs

call the police, oh baby, other voices, tonite, emotional haircut, american dream - LCD Soundsystem

The System Only Dreams in Total Darkness, Day I Die, Born to Beg, Guilty Party, Carin at the Liquor Store, Turtleneck - the National

Close But Not Quite (feat. Sampha) - Everything is Recorded

Symphony (feat. Zara Larsson) - Clean Bandit

Heavydirtysoul - Twenty One Pilots

Love on the Brain - Rihanna

Wild Fire, Nouel - Laura Marling

Mildenhall - the Shins

Renato Dall’Ara (2008), Here’s to the Fourth Time!, For Whom the Belly Tolls, Hung Empty - Los Campesinos!

Yer Killin’ Me, Art School, Crash Test Rating, Strawberita, Trying 2 Fool U, I’m My Own Doctor - Remo Drive

God Bless Ohio, Window Sash Weights - Sun Kil Moon

Darling, Serve the Song, Stained Glass, White Light - Real Estate

3AM (Pull Up) (feat. MØ), Roll With Me, Boys, Backseat (feat. Carly Rae Jepsen), Femmebot (feat. Dorian Electra and Mykki Blanco), Out of My Head (feat. Alma and Tove Lo) - Charli XCX

Lucid, Anxi. (feat. Jenny Hval), Evolution, Bird - Kelly Lee Owens

Paradise, Ricochet - ANOHNI

Cut to the Feeling - Carly Rae Jepsen

Golden Cage - Nilüfer Yanya

Bad Liar - Selena Gomez

Can’t Help It - Baba Stiltz

Forever Young (feat. Diplo), Better (feat. Stefflon Don), Dirty Mouth, All Around Me (feat. YG and Kamaiyah) - Lil Yachty

Run - Foo Fighters

Everything Now, Signs of Life, Put Your Money on Me - Arcade Fire

Strangers (feat. Lauren Jauregui) - Halsey

Met Gala (feat. Offset) - Gucci Mane

J-Boy, Ti Amo, Goodbye Soleil, Tuttifrutti, Fleur de Lys - Phoenix

Hard Times, Told You So, Forgiveness, Idle Worship, Rose-Colored Boy - Paramore

Open Water, Melting, Billabong Valley, Anoxia, Doom City - King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard

Something Just Like This (feat. Coldplay) - the Chainsmokers (I’M SO SORRY)

You Never Loved Me, Rollercoasters - Aimee Mann

Alexys, Crushed Glass - Freddie Gibbs

The Call, Wondering, At Last, At Last - Xiu Xiu

Castle on the Hill - Ed Sheeran

Chelsea Hotel #2 - Kyle Craft

My Old Man, All the Best - Zac Brown Band

Build You Up - Kamaiyah

Praying, Let ‘Em Talk (feat. Eagles of Death Metal), Rainbow, Hunt You Down, Boots, Spaceship, Bastards - Kesha

911/Mr. Lonely (feat. Frank Ocean and Steve Lacy), Foreword (feat. Rex Orange County), Who Dat Boy (feat. A$AP Rocky), Pothole (feat. Jaden Smith), Boredom (feat. Rex Orange County and Anna of the North), I Ain’t Got Time!, November, See You Again (feat. Kali Uchis) - Tyler, the Creator

New York, Pills, Los Ageless, Happy Birthday, Johnny, Fear the Future, Slow Disco, Sugarboy - St. Vincent

Trees on Fire (feat. Amber Mark and Marco Mckinnis) - DJDS

Exhumed, Siphon, Veka, Wiseblood, Remains - Zola Jesus

Never Been Wrong, 8 Ball, Silver, Brass Beam - Waxahatchee

I Promise - Radiohead

I Don’t Wanna Die in This Town, Bad Luck Charm, She Hates Everybody - Old 97′s

In Undertow, Plimsoll Punks, Not My Baby, Lollipop (Ode to Jim), Foreget About Life - Alvvays

Cario and Southern - Son Volt

Magnolia - Playboi Carti

I Don’t Like You, Jucebox Baby - the Regrettes

Give me a Reason, Quiet - Ibibio Sound Machine

Speakerbox, Bait Face (feat. Scratchy), Laptop (feat. Manga) - Wiley

If We Were Vampires, Cumberland Gap, Anxiety, Molotov, Hope the High Road - Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit

One of Us - New Politics

Saunter, Urchin, Castration, Whip, Desafio - Arca

If You’re Here – Cornelius

The World’s Best American Band, Judy French, Little Silver Cross, the Satch, Party Next Door, Another Day – White Reaper

The Violence – Rise Against

G.K.A.C., I Only, Bangladesh (feat. Heems), Help (feat. Edan and Wiki), You Can Do It! (Give Up) – Your Old Droog

Nickelodeon Girls, Meme Machine, I Do It for My Hood, She’s So Nice, Uber Pussy, High School Blink193, I Will Get a Vasectomy – Pink Guy (RIP)

Sixteen, Bite Back, Leo, Barf Day, Tummy Ache – Diet Cig

Forrest, Birhtdays, Song for You, Shine – the Smith Street band

Misery, Black Rain – Creeper

Long Time, Fragments – Blondie

123, Sleepless, Your Heart, Powerplant, It Gets More Blue – Girlpool

Proud, Bobby, Witch, Judge, Powerful Man – (Sandy) Alex G

Déjà Vu, Picture That, Broken Bones – Roger Waters

The Great Debate, Lost Without You, Wandering Boy – Randy Newman

Street Power, Knuckle Up – Ho99o9

Love Galore (feat. Travi$ Scott), Drew Barrymore, Prom, Garden (Say It Like Dat), Broken Clocks, the Weekend – SZA

Shark Smile, Watering – Big Thief

Lights Out – Royal Blood

Cry of the Martyrs, the Underside of Power, Cleveland, the Cycle/the Spiral: Time to Go Down Slowly, Walk Like a Panther, Death March – Algiers

Crybaby, Tin Can – Kevin Morby

Da Next Day (feat. Big Rube), Order of Operations – Big Boi

No Halo, A Portrait Of, Disappeared, Second Letter from St. Julien, Leave the Fan On – Sorority Noise

Met me in the Street, Just Can’t Get Enough, Rank and File, Turn it Up, Milk and Honey, Pure desire, Can’t Play it Cool – Sheer Mag

Boyish, 12 Steps, The Body is a Blade – Japanese Breakfast

The Moth, Lead, SD, the Wolf – Manchester Orchestra

SHC, Static Space Lover – Foster the People

Just Like Love, Weakness, Wild Woman, All American Made – Margo Price

Dean’s Room – Allison Crutchfield

S.A.D., Bravado – Kirin J Callinan

For Cypresses, Three Rings, Systole – Grizzy Bear

War is Coming (If You Want It), Beach Life-in-Death – Car Seat Headrest

The Way You Used to Do, Domesticated Animals, Feet Don’t Fail Me – Queens of the Stone Age

Call it Dreaming, the Truest Stars We Know – Iron & Wine

Less Than, the Background World – Nine Inch Nails

Nomadm All I C is U & Me, NVR 4EVR, Holy Books – Death from Above

No Fear – DeJ Loaf

Four years and One Day, Blue Train Lines (feat. King Krule), Audition, Delta, You Look Certain (I’m Not So Sure) (feat. Andrea Balency), SP12 Beat – Mount Kimbie

Delta, Feels Like Heaven, Dedicated to Bobby Jameson, Bubblegum Dreams, I Wanna Be Young, Dreamdate Narcissist, Acting (feat. Dâm-Funk), Santa’s in the Closet, Time to Live, Another Weekend, Kitchen Witch – Ariel Pink

Half-Ligth (feat. Kelly Zutrau), Gwan – Rostam

Mi Gente (Remix) (feat. Beyoncé) – J Balvin and Willy William

The Man, Run for Cover, Out of My Mind, Have All the Songs Been Written? – the Killers

Don’t Delete the Kisses, Space & Time – Wolf Alice

Righteous Woman – Torres

Prey, Say it First – Sam Smith

Lush, Daughter, Planet – Four Tet

Frontline, Take Me Apart, LMK, Onanon, Waitin – Kelela

I Wanna Be Like You, Numb – Ibeyi

You’re Dreaming, Flies on the Sun, Baby Blue – Wolf Parade

Roots Remain – Mastodon

Medicine, Flowerchild – Citizen

Up All Night, Colors, Seventh Heaven, Square One – Beck

Over Everything, Blue Cheese – Kurt Vile & Courtney Barnett

Biscuit Town, Dum Surfer, Vidual, Half Man Half Shark, the Ooz – King Krule

Processional, the Spaniards, the Long Goodbye, Half-Life of an Autodidact – William Patrick (Billy) Corgan

You Used to Say (Holy Fuck), Grand Finale, Vacation Town – the Front Bottoms

WE KNOW WHERE YOU FUCKING LIVE, Saturnalia – Marilyn Manson

Gone, Double Helix, Want Me Around – Knuckle Puck

Laila’s Wisdom, Power (feat. Kendrick Lamar and Lance Skiiiwalker), Pay Up, Nobody (feat. Anderson .Paak, Black Thought, Moonchild) – Rapsody

In the Morning, Tinseltown Swimming in Blood, Saw You at the Hospital, A Light Travels Down the Catwalk, La Regle du Jeu – Destroyer

16 Psyche, Vex, The Culling, Scrape – Chelsea Wolfe

Little Dark Age – MGMT

Happy Hour, Weekend Woman, Mexican Fender – Weezer

Appointments, Turn Out the Lights, Sour Breath, Televangelist, Even – Julien Baker

Mustn’t Hurry, IDK About You – Fever Ray

Pills – Joji

90’s Kids, Blooming, Cloudy, Float, Straight Boy, Astral Plane – Shamir

Should I – Little Dragon

Mirage, Labyrinth – Toro Y Moi

Do U Love Me, For Y’all (feat. Jacquees), Liger (feat. Carnage)– Young Thug

Sylvia Says, Rest – Charlotte Gainsbourg

Lemon (feat. Rihanna), Voilà (feat. Gucci Mane and Wale), 1000 (feat. Future), Don’t Don’t Do It! (feat. Kendrick Lamar), Rollinem 7’s (feat. André 3000), Secret Life of Tigers, Kites (feat. Kendrick Lamar and M.I.A.) – N.E.R.D.

Jupiter, Ode from Joyce, Quintessence – Benjamin Clementine

The Gate, Body Memory, Courtship, Losses, Tabula Rasa, Claimstaker – Björk

Red Flag Day, You’re the Best Thing About Me, the Little Things That Give You Away – U2

Sky Walker (feat. Travi$ Scott), Banana Clip, Told You So – Miguel

GOLD, STAR, TRIP, SWEET, FACE, GUMMY, QUEER, SWAMP, JUNKY, BOOGIE, RENTAL, ZIPPER,JOHNNY, BLEACH, ALASKA, HOTTIE, HEAT – BROCKHAMPTON

Another Sad Love Song, Young Dumb & Broke – Khalid

Highway Tune – Greta Van Fleet

Gucci Gang – Lil Pump

We Were Beautiful, Sweet Dew Lee – Belle & Sebastian

All I can Think About is You, A L I E N S – Coldplay

Havana (feat. Young Thug) – Camila Cabello

Unforgettable (feat. Sway Lee) – French Montana

Rain in Soho, Andrew Eldritch is Moving Back to Leeds, Unicorn Tolerance, Paid in Cocaine, Abandoned Flesh – the Mountain Goats

Walk on Water (feat. Beyoncé) – Eminem

Strange or Be Forgotten – Temples

Runnin’ Outta Luck, Country Figs, Strangers Kiss (with Angel Olsen) – Alex Cameron

Tonya Harding – Sufjan Stevens

The One to Wait – CCFX

Crossifre/So Into You – Nai Palm

Still Serving – 21 Savage, Offset, and Metro Boomin

Neon Guts (feat. Pharrell Williams), XO TOUR Llif3 – Lil Uzi Vert

Mask Off (Remix) (feat. Kendrick Lamar) – Future

Lay It on Me – Vance Joy

Perplexing Pengasus – Rae Sremmurd

Midnight – Jessie Ware

Blanket Me – Hundred Waters

The Pathways of Our Lives – Mark Barrott

Find Me – Porches

Kill Jay-Z, Smile (feat. Gloira Carter), Caught Their Eyes (feat. Frank Ocean), 4:44, Family Feud (feat. Beyoncé), Bam (feat. Damien Marley), Legacy – Jay-Z

Global (feat. Ilovemakonnen) – Lil B

[eludum-a]

500 follower follow forever!

it happened. god knows why so many of you are here, but apparently you like what i do, so... well, thank you! to everyone! but this is a very informal follow forever meant specifically for people i speak to regularly/people i consider my friends/people i feel i owe something to. i haven’t done anything like this since the 100 follower mark, so please bear with me. 

i felt like i needed to do this because, in the wise words of taako the wizard, “it doesn’t always have to be goof goof dildo. i’m traveling around with the boner squad and i never get to say... what i’m feeling! i have emotions!”

if you’re not here, please don’t feel like i don’t appreciate you! i only have the energy for so much love here in my body. if you’ve been inactive/are on hiatus, i might have missed you, and if we haven’t really talked a lot ooc, same thing applies.

(i have been working on this on and off for weeks. im so tired pls just let me be finished with it)

anyway, call outs below the cut!

@unsuspicious: cou, you send me so many baffling and strange images at all hours of the day. i had to lead up with this because where do you even get all those. anyway, you’re definitely the person i talk to the most every day, and it’s weird as shit to think that the last thing in tumblr messenger was me sending you the link to the discord channel. you’re a fantastic roleplayer when you actually roleplay and you’re fun to have around!

@hismalice: raz you are one of my favorite people on this god forsaken hell site and don’t ever forget that. if you need a reminder you can come back here and look at this and see this seal of approval, and also the mental image of me saying “no, fuck you” to your negative thoughts and then punching them in the face heaven slaying dragon fist style. if you ever wanna talk you know where to find me and it’s also ok if you don’t want to!! i’ll still be here regardless.

@cantalazarus: god bless the hinatatas, may they grow strong and powerful this year. amen. on a more real note: this is my official notice that i really appreciate you just... in general, as a person, even if im an asshole who has trouble with, like, Feelings and shit. so there’s that. same as with raz above, you obviously know where to find me whenever you wanna talk. and take as long as you need to recharge your batteries!! no rush

@mxssias: ALEX MY MAN... BOY... GUY! DUDE, PAL, WHATEVER. your naegi is LIT. i love the good good egg boy so much and you do him justice!! you don’t just focus on the lighter aspects of his character, but you recognize his various struggles as well! you’re also just a fun person to talk to and i’d love to do more naenami in the future of COURSE

@ayatsurii the sparkliest of cats! yo, sparkle, thank u for turning me on to pekonami because it’s so good and pure, and thank you also for trying to keep things from burning down in the chat when we get too rowdy (even if you’re not successful... we can’t be tamed). i look forward to future pekonami interactions!

@snappshot: sarah is wonderful at everything she does, sorry i dont make the rules. you’ve been around this blog for what feels like forever now?? first as mahiru (and your mahiru rly captured my heart) but also sayaka and kaede and your persona muses are equally wonderful! idk what i’d have done if you weren’t there to reassure me i was doing a good job. god bless sarah

@anemoia-avenoir / @ongakuvoices: rrrrrrrrIO! you’re lovely and you should know it. i know we don’t really talk much ooc but you definitely deserved a spot in here! your passion for your muses is incredible! your love for them shows in the details of your writing, and i know it can be frustrating sometimes to feel like you’re not good enough (believe me... i have been there many times), but believe me... you’re gonna do amazing things, i just know it.

@malchancevilain YOU STILL OWE ME 15 DOLLARS AND I AIM TO COLLECT, GREG GRIMALDIS. NO MATTER WHERE IN THE MULTIVERSE YOU ARE. ahem. we share a lot of common interests, watchy, and i really do love your luckgami, like, a lot. i love how different his background is without changing who he is fundamentally as a person, aka a snob

@shpionaz: *insert obligatory ‘like a boss’ joke here* ok now that we’ve gotten that over with,,, im so grateful i got a chance to play out the oumanami brotp interactions with you because that was on my wishlist almost as soon as i found out about their sprite similarities and we didn’t even have to try, it just happened. you’re first ouma in my heart forever and i can’t wait to do some things with your oc too!!

@gambogeish: it’s kind of ironic how i didn’t finish twewy until we became friends, when it was first gifted to me by my boyfriend... it’s probably just the difference in maturity/gaming ability from then to now, but ANYWAY: i am so glad to have met you. you’re one of the first people in the community i’ve really connected with, and you’re an awesome person who i’d love to roleplay with regardless of muse. i’ve got a virtual high five right here waiting for you. o/

@pseudxcode syd, god bless your chihiro, honestly. he’s such a sweet little guy and i love his interactions with chiaki! of course i’ve always been a fan of these two together (even when she’s NOT an AI created by him), because their talents complement each other so well! they’re good for each other. i’d love to see more chiaki & chihiro action, especially if it involves chiaki encouraging him and reassuring him that he’s not as weak as he thinks he is.

@kibcu / @krclowa we only recently started talking but you’re such a welcome addition to thotchat, liz! take that as you will. this one’s probably gonna be a bit short but im looking forward to platonic naenami interactions and ur sonia too! aunty nanami’s gonna babysit the hell out of those naegi kids (aka give them all smartphones and sit back and relax)

@synthxsizxr GOOD IDOL, BEST SISTER, AKI LOVES HER HARU even if she really doesnt understand the idol lifestyle like, at all. chi, you yourself are very sweet and kind, it’s wonderful having you here in this community! i hope you’re having a lot of fun with your talentswap chiaki and i hope 

@relixum / @lxckyclovers: i hope you two don’t mind that i put you together here. i know you’ve been busy with school lately (good luck with that, by the way!!) but i didn’t want you to think i forgot about you! you guys make a mom/dad/parental unit so proud. you’re wonderful writers and i hope you find happiness wherever you go. *bob belcher voice* you’re my family and i love you but you’re terrible, you’re all terrible.

@tcndcrloins levi you’re the other constant presence in thotchat and you’re such a fun person to have around. you’re so welcoming and comfortable in a sense that i never feel like i’m bothering you, and thats a pretty incredibly accomplishment considering how often i convince myself im annoying. get those drafts done, i believe in you!!

@delinqueon avery, you were probably the first person within the community i talked to one on one, and thank god you approached me because at that point i never would have had the courage to speak up! your leon is such a delight to interact with and so are your other characters. one day you’ll get me back for making you read the bee movie script out loud for fifteen minutes.... one day

@betraycd last but not least, first i have to thank fin for my current editing software that i still have yet to figure out even 10% of ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) but i’ll get there! fin, i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: i absolutely adore your souda, all of the time and effort you’ve put into his characterization and how you don’t ignore the uglier parts of his personality. he’s a lovely flawed boy and you really do him justice!

after word:

like any community with more than a few people, there have been ups and downs in the path few months. i wanted to add here as a general shout out that i have never felt so welcome and loved in a community that i originally would have thought would be more disjointed than what you might find on a forum. like, i’ve changed a lot thanks to you guys! i’ve been able to get over some of the hurdles of my social anxiety (i didnt jump over them so much as drag myself across the ground and painfully crawl over them) and i just... i feel good? i feel like people like me? there are still times where my anxiety insists i’m nothing but a useless burden, but i actually... feel like people enjoy having me around? holy shit!

i made some really cool new friends and got to know a different kind of roleplay community. im overall incredibly grateful for this wild and weird journey i’ve been on, and the journey certainly isn’t over by any means! i hope to keep seeing you guys around!

these words really arent even enough to express my gratitude. i havent been to some really dark places, but there for a while i felt like i was almost completely alone. i simply wasn’t connecting with other people like i wanted to. about 3-4 years ago i lost contact with (long story) my roleplay partners of 4 years and it wasn’t an easy thing to recover from, but i’m here now and it’s just... really good! incredible, even!

komussy

[judgereviews]

Top 7 Albums of the Midyear

Top 7 Albums of the Mid Year

June is finally here! Not only does this start the run of Summer music, but the halfway mark of the music calendar. As usual, I will be giving my favorites that have come out so far in 2017. Enjoy!

 Honorable Mentions:

J.I.D – The Never Story (GET FAMILIAR WITH THIS NAME RIGHT NOW)

Harry Styles – Self Titled (Two Ghosts is heavenly)

John Mayer – The Search for Everything

Gucci Mane – DropTopWop

Playboi Carti – Self Titled

 7. Rick Ross – Rather You Than Me

ROZAY! This and Teflon Don are tied for my favorite Ross albums. After a handful of weak albums, Ross comes back with some fire. He finally listened to his critics and decided to be more introspective over some very lavish production. He even admits he wasn’t ever a gangster, not to mention his Birdman diss track where he does reveal some information about Birdman’s wrongdoings. RYTM is a testament that no matter how old a rapper you are, you can still produce a great album. Also, Gucci Mane’s verse on She on My Dick is amazing.

 6. SYD – FIN

SYD from the What I love about this album so much is that SYD took the modern sounds of R&B and made soulful, something modern R&B is missing these days. While I like 6LACK (who is on the album) PartyNextDoor and Bryson Tiller, they don’t bring the emotion like The Weeknd or Frank (along with older R&B acts) and SYD showed out on here.

 5. Kendrick Lamar – DAMN.

I was going to write a review to this album, but This is a good place to put my thoughts. While I do like the album, I do think this is my least favorite Kendrick Lamar album. I really didn’t appreciate the underlying message on the album at all (listen to the end of Fear if you don’t know what I am talking about). I refuse to believe the reason minorities suffer is because we don’t follow god’s teachings as white people do similar (if not worse) actions. Anyway, thankfully the concept of the album is not as connected to the music as his past albums so I can enjoy the music on here. DNA is still the hardest track all year and possesses Kendrick’s sharpest rapping. Even looking at Duckworth you can see who is the best rapper out right now.

 4. Steve Lacy – Steve Lacy’s Demos

As the Odd Future band The Internet took a break to create solo records I was most excited to hear Steve Lacy. For those that don’t know him, he has produced for TWENTY88 (Selfish), J. Cole (Foldin Clothes) and most recently Kendrick Lamar (Pride), and the sound on these tracks bleeds into the tracks on this Demo. Lacy has mixture of Indie Rock and Soul in his music that I love and creates some beautiful guitar chords. This is best evidenced in RYD and Dark Red especially. I know a lot of people looked over this record, but I highly recommend this album (Its only 15 Minutes!)

3. Mac Demarco – This Old Dog

I have always liked songs here and there from Mac Demarco (listen to My Kind of Woman), but it wasn’t until his 2015 mini album Another One where I was down with the movement. The album has very easy going vibes about love and heartbreak and is lyrically and musically potent. These skills are only elevated on This Old Dog. The album sounds pleasant, but many of these songs are pretty somber and even depressing as Mac talks about his dying father who he had a strained relationship with. This is definitely an album you could drink a cold one with the boys with (sorry I gave in to the meme).

2. Migos – C U L T U R E

While I do love Fight Night and their collabs with Travis Scott, I have never liked Migos. Maybe it’s the subject matter or Zaytoven’s production, but things started to change in September of 2015 with Bad and Boujee. Metro Boomin’s menacing beat was the perfect for Offset’s cold cadence I loved it. T-shirt and Call Casting came out ahead of the release of Culture, I was salivating for what the album would have to offer and, to put it bluntly, every track is a banger. This is a perfect workout or booling album to play front to back. What else is there to say? Culture has only 12 tracks, has good features, and Migos actually rap on most of these tracks.

1. Joey Bada$$ - ALL-AMERIKKKAN BADA$$

I remember when I listened to B4DA$$ I though Joey Bada$$ has the potential to make a classic album, and even though I enjoy his debut album more than AABA, I think this album was excellent. I loved that Joey took a risk with his sound and topics, and it turned out great for him. This is the best political album since TPAB for me and I hope we only see Joey go up from here. This album is perfect for a long summer drive somewhere, it is just very relaxing music.