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cellarspider · 8 months ago

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12/30 Things come to a head

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We return to that shambling mass of a film, Prometheus.

Content warnings for body horror, contagion-y stuff, something that loosely be described as medical horror, It’s Been 0 Days Since Our Last Incident, and me, going on a ramble about movie gore to distract myself from The Madness.

There's a lady in this scene who's had a number of speaking lines so far–the maybe-chemist. She has a name, but it doesn’t matter.

But I'm going to call her Doctor Frankenstein.

They have just got the helmet off the head, revealing that it’s truly, unmistakably humanoid. They have noted that there are “new cells” on the head. In the business, we call that “decomposition”, but Doctor Frankenstein is not concerned with this. In fact, she immediately proposes a new plan.

Doctor Frankenstein has had the brilliant idea to plug a big cable into the head like it’s a guitar amp, and zap it with electricity to wake it up.

Yes. This is what the movie goes with.

You know, Alien included a similarly shambolic first examination of an alien subject, but it was performed because said alien was attached to a man’s face, and all they had to try and fix that was the contents of a cargo ship’s medbay, with the only qualified personnel being the corporate android who had been ordered to consider the crew expendable. The crew of the Prometheus has no such excuse.

Well, except for David, he has precisely the same excuse, but he’s not trying to poke wires in anybody’s ears.

Doctor Frankenstein calls for enough amperage to run three electric kettles (cite 3), then all the way up to two Titan RTX graphics cards before the head starts to get what appears to be a massive migraine.

I know this expression well, migraines can feel very much like someone is subjecting me to unnatural horrors.

This is getting a little extreme, though. Yes, when the head starts pulsing, they realize they may have made a mistake.

I’d say this was inexplicable behavior on their part, unbelievably hasty and foolish–and I will say it, actually, it deserves to be said. But in context, this is the team that did so little prep for entering the alien structure that they didn’t notice the giant fuckoff skull carved into the outside of it.

Knowing how much Shaw and Holloway read into the intentions of the Engineers from the depictions they found on Earth, they probably would’ve interpreted this as a good sign, somehow.

Anyway, they put a sneezeguard down over the head before it explodes.

Good job everyone. This is like what would’ve happened if Napoleon’s savants took one look at the Rosetta Stone and decided “maybe we should try hitting it with hammers. Surely that’ll make the knowledge fall out.”

From a horror perspective, this scene only works in two contexts: First, gross-out. Generally found in schlock, exploitation, and outsider art flicks, the tone of gross-out content can be highly variable, but there are two general trends I'd mention, which are of relevance to this movie.

First, gross-out tends to exist in that weird alternate space where lots of comedy movies do: characters will behave in unreasonable ways for no apparent reason. Within the film, this is treated as the universal norm, besides maybe a straight man character who highlights the absurdity. Gross-out is often like that, but pushes different boundaries of acceptable behavior than a traditional comedy.

This is, bafflingly, what Prometheus increasingly feels like. It feels like it's transitioning into gross-out schlock, and yet it never goes all the way.

Second: the audience for gross-out is largely self-selecting. If you're watching John Waters' Pink Flamingos, you expect things to get messy. You are looking forward to things getting messy. A head exploding is perfectly par for the course in gross-out horror. One might even be disappointed if there wasn't an exploding head.

But again, this movie was not marketed on gross-out. It was marketed as a tense, Alien-esque horror movie. If you followed that premise like I did, you're not in the theater to view a debauched spectacle, you're there for the movie to put a well-paced squeeze on the characters and your nerves, where half the horror comes from having the room to really think about how frightening the core concepts of the series are.

Does Alien involve some shocking gore? Sure does! But in Alien, Kane's fate is not there to make you laugh and exclaim "ewww!" at how far the film's gone, the film tries to make you very aware of how horrifying his demise is.

So, there's an alternate way this scene works, if you're coming in from that perspective. I don't think the movie intended this as much as the gross-out, but it's what I drew from it at the time: the scene works if you decide not to focus your sympathies on the human characters at all, or even David, and think about it from the perspective of the head.

It’s patently impossible that what they did actually “woke up” the brain inside that skull. But if we sink to the movie’s level and entertain the idea for a moment, what in the hell have they just done to this Engineer? The last thing the head would’ve remembered was running, falling, decapitation, and then this. They just tortured this poor bastard for no adequately explained reason. There’s none! “I think we can trick the nervous system into thinking it's still alive” is the entirety of the explanation. It makes about as much sense and seems as thoughtlessly violent as anything in Mad God (2021, content warning for body horror).

I already spent all my anger about desecrating bodies in the name of shambolic pseudoscience, I have no more rage to give for now. And similarly in the theater, I hit my limit. I’d already hit a different limit back when they landed the Prometheus on top of some archaeology, but now I’d fully given up on this movie being what I’d hoped it would be.

The maddening thing that keeps me obsessed with it is that it keeps throwing random scraps of that hypothetical movie into the mix anyway, bouncing me like a yo-yo between scenes.

But for right now, the yo-yo is still on the descent. Having exploded the first sample of alien biology ever touched by science, they apparently stuck some of it in a generic, science-y DNA machine. What does the DNA machine tell them?

“DNA match”.

The movie does not actually explain what this means. It thinks it does, but in a very vague and handwave-y way that ends up being even more hilarious than if they’d just been out-and-out wrong. Because this is what I do for a living, I want to science at this for a bit.

But I’ve written enough about it for an entire post on its own, so that will wait until next time.

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Citations for alt-text rambles, as well as some text-text rambles:

1. https://www.behance.net/gallery/78297841/Semiotic-Standard (contains a high-quality download for the symbols, should ye wish them for yourselves)

2. https://www.sculpturedepot.net/clay-wax-tools/product.asp?Steel_Tools

3. Doctor Frankenstein calls for 30 amps first, then 40, then 50 in the space of several seconds. According to wikipedia, an electric kettle is about 16.6A, and a 288W high-performance graphics card would require 24A. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orders_of_magnitude_(current) That graphics card isn’t mentioned by name, but it matches up with the wattage reported by Tom’s Hardware for a Titan RTX (cite 4). Running with two of these things, you might be able to run 4k Ultra settings on some games without tanking your framerate. They could’ve been playing video games and seen way more exploding heads.

4. https://www.tomshardware.com/features/graphics-card-power-consumption-tested

5. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alien_(film)#Design

6. https://www.reddit.com/r/MovieDetails/comments/f4rf63/for_the_chestburster_scene_in_alien_1979_the/

7. https://i.pinimg.com/736x/8e/2f/9b/8e2f9b0716746aac7ce5b2f369bf4082--aliens--scene.jpg

8. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karyotype#Human_karyogram

9. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centromere

10. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centromere#Telocentric

11. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G_banding

12. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proteinogenic_amino_acid

13. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hula_language

#Prometheus 2012 #Prometheus (2012)#This movie is a study in so much tonal dissonance #It was so pretty and yet so broken #insert Benoit Blanc “compels me though” meme here

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susandsnell · 1 month ago

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You watched Joker 2: How the Joker got his Groove Back? Do tell, because I’m not watching it lmaooooo

hi maggie i love u. so i was having a progressive mental breakdown trying to write this the last few days and today, I slipped forwards and fell backwards walking to the restroom from my own kitchen and fell onto my back and smacked my head on the floor really loudly (i'm okay for now dw), and i think the slapstick is a sign to answer this question, while subsequent looney tunes esque possible injuries an appropriate tone for this shitshow. I also think the fall damaged my brain less than this movie did, but I'm nothing if not a glutton for punishment when it comes to viewing experiences. let's go.

as a consummate disliker of the first film, my expectations were low, but holy fuck. i was pleased in the schadenfreude sense when we first got the announcement that the premise for the sequel was a musical with Lady Gaga as Harley with how alienating to the fanbase of the first this was, and when trailers emerged I was prematurely annoyed but cautiously optimistic for at least some good musical numbers and maybe some creative imagery.

well. this movie rips off The Room.

spoilers below the cut, trigger warning for mentioned but not graphically discussed police brutality/prison violence (physical + sexual), ableism, misogyny.

gott im himmel, what is there even to say.

so the opening is - actually good. having the rights to warner brothers, they open with the merrie melodies theme with Joker's face popping into frame and an old-school animated recap of the talkshow sequence from the first flick, which was actually a great idea...until the whole premise of the cartoon, and later, the legal defense, ends up being that either the Joker takes on a life of his own outside of Arthur or, as the defense will later posit, the Joker is a DID alter. This is not handled well, at all.

the movie is basically an ugly, dingy, confused, feverish bottle episode that makes me retroactively appreciate the first more for its pretty exciting third act and grounded Gotham City; our locations are a very very boring Arkham , and the courtroom drama as Arthur Fleck is brought to justice for his actions in the first movie. While incarcerated, he has both haters and fans in the prison population, including a young fanboy who is dared by the guards to kiss him, and who he kisses tenderly on the mouth early on, because quoth Todd Phillips, "the Joker is bisexual and stuff." diversity win!!!! this will matter later.

after several unhappy renditions of When The Saints Go Marching In, Arthur meets Harleen Quinzel, mercifully nicknamed 'Lee' in this version so we can easily dissociate her from our favourite harlequin. He finds her at Arkham Asylum glee club rehearsal, which is apparently a thing, and immediately put me in mind of Bialystock and Bloom putting on Prisoners of Love in Sing Sing, and she eagerly tells him she's a huge fan of the Joker as an abused child of poverty herself, and that she avidly watched the TV movie made about his exploits, which was fantastic. (This TV movie will come back later. It's possibly further self-flagellation on the part of Todd Phillips, which is amusing.)

anyway, the choir practice meet cute is important because it flimsily sets up the rest of the film being a musical. because he loves Lee, and she sings music, and therefore if Lee = an escape for Arthur, music is an escape for Arthur too! much thoughts! society. they also watch some old hollywood musicals together on their arkham dates. I don't know.

so regarding the musical numbers. the worst part is that they didn't let gaga sing properly in the movie??? like they made her and phoenix sing badly on purpose as ~character choices~ because it ~fits the characters~ and half the fantastic-looking performances from the leaks a few months ago were cut because musical movies are cockshy now about committing to the medium. instead we get bored white woman dancing from everyone, except for two good numbers, and breathy, off-key and off-rhythm jukebox renditions of everything from Sweet Charity to The Carpenters. a good 40% of the songs are arthur being questioned or something and just bursting into it while everyone looks bewildered, with only a handful of fantasy sequences, when the easiest thing to do given the courtroom drama setup would've been to just rip off Chicago and call it a day, would've been unoriginal but cogent, but instead we're treated to endless tedium and talented singers performing poorly. is there a way to blame this all on tom hooper? because i feel like this is all somehow tom hooper's fault.

this one will really piss you off - Harvey Dent is there and they did him filthy! he's prosecuting the case against Arthur Fleck, and they made him a smirky little twink and did fuck all with him except 'punchable on purpose' because he's The Man and The Man is keeping poor trod-upon Arthur Fleck down. but The Man pales in comparison to the true villain of this movie - women!!!!!

despite trying to deconstruct the incel following and give a middle finger to a lot of the nerdbros who wrongfully worshipped the first one, this movie is somehow a lot more overtly sexist than the first? every woman in this movie is Wronging arthur. his lawyer is an older woman who's going for the insanity defense with completely misrepresented DID (i'll cut her slack in that it's set in the 80s) but is apparently framed as condescending/exploiting his tragedy publicly when like, literally what is she supposed to do to try and get him acquitted for his crimes in the first movie, and it's not like she's trying to get famous for it (or is she? didn't come off from what I saw). she's genuinely being as empathetic as possible and still presented as condescending, and arthur fires her to self-represent in court -- dressed as the joker. more details about penny fleck being much more abusive than shown from the first movie are revisited to...i guess justify her murder more? zazie beetz is back as sophie to prove he didn't kill her but she's framed as deeply unsympathetic for believing arthur's abuser, penny, over him bc apparently she talked shit to the neighbours, when sophie has like, every reason to be afraid of this guy who was talking to her young child and broke into her apartment under the delusion they were together and then later that night going on a killing spree. and then her role in the story got added to the tv movie (which she reveals, to arthur's heartbreak, sucks) but the movie frames her as this judgmental ableist heartless meanie because she's not empathetic to the man who traumatized her and endangered her daughter.

this is juxtaposed to gary, arthur's clown temp agency coworker from the first film who he spared because of his kindness, who gets another one of the only good scenes in the film as he recounts how deeply witnessing arthur's murders broke him -- a sympathy not afforded to that stuck-up witch sophie. shoutout to leigh gill, it's the film's best and powerful performance....undercut by joaquin making the Choice that the joker, self-representing and cross-examining a witness, would spend a solid 20 minutes doing a Humble Southern Lawyer I do Declare bit that had me cringing out of my skin.

and then, of course, there's Lee. so basically they went the telltale batman route where it's subverted of the classic mad love dynamic -- she's the one playing him, but they did it worse because todd phillips doesn't really grasp like, character beyond Bad Things Happening Make People Do Bad Things and also Women Aren't People, so her sob story is false, her parents are rich and alive and she's a psychiatry Ph.D who voluntarily committed to arkham out of parasocial obsession with The Joker. this would be cool in the women's wrongs way if and i mean IF she had any coherent reason beyond "crazy bitches" and being a groupie of who he became on the talkshow.

and then for some reason the movie decides to wholesale lift plot points from The Room. Lee is allowed to see Arthur after one of his many drawn-out gratuitous beating scenes at the hands of Brendon Gleeson's Arkham guard Jackie Sullivan (kind of a Lyle Bolton type), whereupon she puts his clown makeup on and fucks him as the Joker, as you do. when she's 'released' (really, she leaves), she sees him in visitation to tell him she's pregnant with a little baby clown, which motivates him through the rest of the trial. it's of course clear and later revealed that she lied about the pregnancy. since the film is not interested in giving Lee any real motives beyond Crazy Flaky Bitches Am I Right (her transformation into Harley is never named and consists of clown cosplays worn to court), it's never really clear why she faked the pregnancy, which made me immediately think less of Roxie Hart and more Lisa from The Room saying "To make things interesting". like she already had him on the hook from what it seems, there didn't need to be a fake clown baby!!!!

if you've made it this far, here's where it goes from bad to "oh fuck off". please mind the trigger warnings I listed above.

after going on society rant part 2582342572473423995324324932592394293, Arthur shittalks the Arkham guards on TV. this results in Jackie et al not only beating him but -- non-graphically, but it is completely clear before and after the scene this was the intent -- SA'ing him. After which they murder an inmate sympathetic to Arthur for singing to him. none of this is engaged with meaningfully, none of this is textually addressed, none of this has any real narrative weight beyond Arthur being "broken" during his trial and flubbing the case, renouncing being the Joker. I don't have to say how unbelievably offensive just throwing this shit in is and handling it with about as much care as can be expected from the director of Hangover 2.

so Arthur flubs the case and Lee, along with the rest of his fanbase, storm out of the courthouse, disappointed, much in the way audiences are doing in theatres. but the stans camped outside the courthouse pull a Matt Reeves Riddler and plant carbombs around the perimeter, killing everyone in the jury, burning Harvey Dent's face (DO YOU GET IT???) and two cosplayer juggalos rescue Arthur and they drive off echoing the cop car scene in the first movie. but Arthur doesn't want to be the Joker anymore! he escapes the car and returns to the Joker steps, which the film has already returned to in fantasy lke 10 times. He finds Harley - Lee there, and she tells him coolly that she’s really disappointed he’s not the joker because she loves the joker and not Arthur. She does half a musical number while he begs her to stop singing which made me LOL because shrek and then the cops show up and arrest him and not her.

when we next see Arthur, he's in Arkham awaiting the electric chair. He gets called to go see a visitor and walks alone down a hall, somehow unsupervised on the way to visitation. That young, twinky inmate that kissed Arthur earlier in the movie and senpais him runs up and begs Arthur to let him tell him a joke. And it’s this longwinded bit of incoherence about a “psychopath and a killer clown who let him down walk in the bar, and the psychopath says what can I get you” but the punchline is, of course, “you get what you fucking deserve” and the fanboy shivs him in the gut repeatedly. It cuts to a dying fantasy of a parody sonny and Cher show with joker and Harley singing and finishing their act, then back to a lingering closeup on Arthur bleeding out alone in the Arkham corridor while the twink laughs hysterically, implying the next Joker riseth. Roll credits.

to quote my friend Peter, "having the new Joker play gay chicken with the old joker is cinema".

but all seriousness, save for a few goofy moments here or there or "oh my god, they're really doing this", the movie is boring as sin. which is quite the feat given it's a musical with Lady Gaga as Harley, but when it wasn't boring it was a shockingly offensive mishandling of serious issues that was also a pointless rehash of the events of the first film, not just as a middle finger to those who liked it, but a middle finger to people who like musicals, Batman, DC, and maybe even film as a whole.

just please, please, do yourself a favour and stream Harlequin (Lady Gaga's tie-in album) instead. Mother Monster ate.

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theosb0rnway · 1 month ago

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Ghostface ranking please n thank you

OH MY GOD YES YES YES I LOVE RANKING ALL THE GHOSTIES

My ranking of all 15 Ghostfaces so far (yes.... I'm including Jason and Greg because if I don't, SOMEBODY'S gonna bitch about it I know--)

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR ALL 6 SCREAM FILMS

Rankings under the cut

Stu Macher (Scream)

The BEST Ghostface to ever Ghostface. A BIT underrated just because people will sometimes give Billy more credit. But like- hot man. Has no actual motive for killing, Billy was like "Hey, dude, let's kill people" and he literally needed nothing more. Thought up of some of the key parts of their plan, definitely gutted Casey and Steve, probably put Kenny on the van by himself (Billy wasn't around, so-) . Definitely top 3 or 4 strongest Ghosties to date. And the humor-- okay, I could go ON AND ON about Stu, but I'll stop here. Matthew Lillard really took the character from boring in the script to one of the only parts of the original film me and my mother (who's TERRIFIED of horror films and would rather forget them) remembered from our first watch when I was 13. (She said she'll never forget his laugh and that she hates him. ... She then got me a t-shirt of him not 3 weeks later for Christmas. Sorry, Mom-) Great job, man! Stu stole my heart, LOTS of my money, and a large part of my brain, so it's safe to say he'll always be my fave and an icon in my eyes. (Literally wearing my Stu shirt as I type this, what a fun coincidence LOL-)

2. Charlie Walker (Scream 4)

I said what I said. People either adore Charlie or despise him, and I love him DEARLY. Yes, he's very attractive, but on top of that, he racks up one of the highest kill counts by a single Ghostface alone in the entire franchise, beaten only by Roman, I believe. From Olivia Morris, which was obviously his kill, to tossing Rebecca Walters off a building, to Jenny and Marnie... definitely Robbie... Kirby... Kate Roberts... man just went crazy with the kills, and I respect it. He had loyalty, some great lines, a HILARIOUS deleted scene ( ), and he kept cool under pressure, never revealing himself until absolutely necessary. Do I relate to him? Yep. Is that bad? Probably, but I love him anyways.

3. Jill Roberts (Scream 4)

Another maybe controversial ranking, but I love Jill! I think her motive is fantastic, the way that she uses Charlie to get what she wants, and as someone who has acted innocent in situations where I'm definitely not, her acting is spot on. I never thought about it being her until her reveal, and it's still one of my favorites of all time. She is also, I believe, the Ghostface who got closest to the goal of killing Sidney and getting away with it, so congrats, girl! You had the whole world fooled till the hospital! She's a great take on what I think is the modern version of Billy Loomis, and she nailed the innocent act, truly. Did she kill anyone? Probably, but I can't think of anyone who I know is 100% a Jill Kill. Either way, good for her for not getting her hands dirty, or FOR getting her hands dirty! Impressive no matter what in my mind.

4. Billy Loomis (Scream)

Dont worry, Billy fans, he's still in my top 5! The only reason he's not my third is because I think he's just a BIT overrated. If the movies weren't constantly making him seem like he was the only killer and completely alienating Stu (I think there's a reason for that, but I won't explain that here), then I'd put him above Jill. I know that's a weird reason, but it's my reason. Billy is a fantastic manipulator who knew how to get exactly what he wanted from Sid, and also was a repressed drama queen, which I relate to a lot. While Stu was openly crazy, Billy hid behind the stone cold semi-facade. I don't think Billy would ever have gotten as crazy as Stu did, but he definitely showed the drama in several ways that make me smile and laugh every time. Falling down a flight of stairs? Fucking up Stu's couch cushions? Comedy gold every time. I give Billy credit for stabbing Casey, killing Himbry, and killing Tatum. I think the rest were Stu's because of the gutting and where Billy was at the time. I also think he killed Maureen, so a nice 4ish kills for him! Anyways, top tier Ghostie, another one I'll always respect respect and love.

5. Amber Freeman (Scream 5)

I'm gonna be honest, I hated her when I first watched Scream 5. Hated Richie too, but he's still terrible. Fuck him. I thought Amber was a trashy, third rate version of Stu that was extremely fake and her turn from cold to goofy seemed extremely forced. Then I took a deep dive and figured out why. (If you want a full explanation, let me know, I'm trying to stay short here.) So I believe that Richie is this movie's Stu and Amber is the movie's Billy. From her plans, her using the house, just her very cold, calm demeanor in the beginning, she just gives Billie energy, while Richie is just... well, he's the Netflix guy. He makes jokes left and right. But Amber, I think she was trying to be the Stu while Richie was trying to be the Billy. Everyone forgets that Stu was a boyfriend too, (Billy's) Tatum's boyfriend. Amber was supposed to be Tara's girlfriend in the original script. So now, I see her third act as more of her desperate attempt to look like her idol instead of sticking with the persona that served her well for the rest of the film. That really made me appreciate her more, and made her feel even underutilized, as did the Macher house. (I LOVE THAT HOUSE. I LOVE IT. Well, the actual actual house, not the Scream 5 version.) So yeah. Amber was a cold blooded killer trying to be just like the Macher before her, even if that wasn't the part she was meant to play in her movie. Taking credit for Dewey's kill? Absolutely. She was in the cult and she just wanted to piss Gale off by saying she did it. Fantastic lines, wonderful creep factor! Her death- *chef's kiss* Lovely homage to Sidney shooting Billy. And that's my top 5!

6. Quinn Bailey (Scream 6)

The only member of that damn family who did a good job killing. Richie included. Funny? Check. Didn't see her coming? Check. Ruthless? Double check. I don't think she did Gale's attack either, I think that just like Amber, she took the blame for someone else's work just to keep them hidden. Besides that, she was a good character, someone you thought was long gone until she wasn't. Bonus points for her saying Stu was her fave and definitely being the one to stab Mindy on the subway. Maybe not the greatest Ghostie ever, certainly low on kills, but I enjoy watching her a lot.

7. Nancy Loomis, aka "Debbie Salt" (Scream 2)

Another hidden killer who deserved more screen time after her reveal, and more backstory. I love her motive of "good, old-fashioned revenge", and I can see her killing Randy out of rage. Killing Mickey? Nice way to keep things in her favor! Debbie Salt was eh. Don't remember her much tbh- I would've liked to see Nancy more as herself, she just had great potential. Did she take some kills? Absolutely. Got her hands dirty to honor her son. But that's what I don't like. She leaves Hank, then suddenly after Billy dies, she's like the best mother ever?? Killing for the son SHE left?? Her leaving is the reason Scream happened, paired with Maureen and Hank's infidelity-- that's why she's a solid 7 in my book, and the best of the worst. Only goes downhill from here, folks.

8. Mickey Altieri (Scream 2)

GREAT in the Act 3. Other than that? Um... he was okay, I guess? He had some funny lines, but where I really like him is in the possibility possibility of what he's done. He definitely killed for Nancy, he was insane and just wanted people to see him that way. He DID talk to Matthew Lillard in the background of the sorority party... Mickey and Stu working together?? His Act 3 was good, he showed he could be a good Ghostface, scared Sidney, killed Derek... but that's where this ranking and my positive comments about him stop.

9. Wayne Bailey (Scream 6)

Classic parent who wants revenge, angry, pulls it off decently. He has some good moments, funny, a definite suspect, and nowhere near as good a cop as Dewey. Points for trapping the Core 4 (minus Mindy) and Kirby in the second coolest location in the franchise, but that's where my positivity stops. Sam killed him easy, he was a shit parent until Richie died I bet. Did he get his kids to murder? Oh yeah, I think he's the one who made this whole plan up with Quinn and Ethan's help. He doesn't really stand out. Did he kill?? Even wear the fucking mask?? I honestly don't think so. I would put him lower, but compared to the next three... yeah, he's fine at 9.

10. Richie Kirsch (Scream 5)

WHYYYY. WHY. The only goof thing I can say is that like 5 of his lines made me laugh, and he also hates Stab 8. Me too, dude, that looks BAD. Motive? Pretty good, solid movie motive, getting with Sam to get the job done. Ruthless? Yeah. But he's sloppy. He's a Stu without the magic, just trying to make a movie. Him dating Amber?? *vomits* KILL ME NOW. He was 100% manipulated by her, I know he was. A sad attempt of Billy Loomis that leaned more towards Stu, and his cheesy shit throughout the film made his "true colors" seem kinda dull and not very scary. I don't like him. I don't.

11. Ethan Landry [Bailey] (Scream 6)

Like father, like sons!- all in my least favorite 5 of legitimate Ghostfaces. How much screen time did he have?? Not enough. Innocent guy, "I was in Econ!" to "HAHAHA I'M INSANE NOW!!"? I hate it. His transition was too forced, he was bland and stupid, his attempts at faking his knowledge about everything were embarrassing and made him look worse as a character. The easiest Ghostface to spot. I don't know, I mean I get people like him because he's insane and attractive, but I don't. Sorry to all of you who love this guy and his family. His best scene? When Tara stabbed him in the mouth. You go, queen!!

13. Roman Bridger (Scream 3)

Fuck. FUCK. I hate him, I hate this movie, I hate it all. His motive is pretty solid, I actually like it a lot... but he was stuck up, whiney, and underutilized. Like Ethan, low screen time, unbelievable shift from loser to villain- did he even share a scene with Sid?? Talk to her?? And this makes Billy and Stu look like lackeys. I HATE IT. I would've much rather had the Stu leading a Ghostface cult film, but I know why they went this route instead, and I respect that. Like Ethan, the best part about him, and of this movie, is his death. Dewey missing his head like 5ish times before finally hearing Sid and going for the head Thor in Endgame style?? Comedy. GOLD. I love Dewey Riley. But yeah, I just don't like Roman at all. His strengths are his motive, his INSANE kill count (I think he had an accomplice.), and his physical strength. Besides those? Useless. Sorry, Roman die-hards.

14. Jason Carvey (Scream 6)

Not bad for a Ghostface killed in the first 15 minutes. He had the makings of a good killer, definitely in the cult, but his time was just extremely short. Nothing much to say about him, but his only kill was a fantastic start to the film. I would put him higher, because I think he WAS a good Ghostface, but... 10 minutes or less of screen time? Sorry dude, don't know you well enough.

15. Greg (Scream 6)

Who?? Saw him a fridge. That's it. What's his last name, I don't remember- No screen time, not even alive on screen. Nothing more to say. He was probably pretty good though, if he was anything like Jason.

And there's my ranking of all 15 Ghostfaces!! If you want to add your own, feel free to below! If you wanna comment on mine, please be respectful, but I'd like to know why you don't like characters I do, or like ones I don't. If your faves are my faves, share!! I love finding new Scream buddies!! And thanks for listening if you made it this far, that was LONG.

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devilsskettle · 7 months ago

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the 2011 fright night remake is actually such a good adaptation in the ways that it re-contextualizes the style, themes, and character archetypes of the original movie from 1985 to fit the time in which it was made. obviously the biggest differences are the way that the vampire and the “vampire killer”/actor are characterized, but there are major differences in the characterizations of the main character’s girlfriend, his weird friend, and his mom that reflect high school drama tropes that were dominant in pop culture in the 2010s as well as some ways that the audience stand-in teenage male main character is framed that reflects ideas about the fraught nature of coming of age, especially wrt gender and sexuality. and both movies are responding to the prevalent types of horror movies being made at the same time (never let them tell you that horror wasn’t “self aware” until 1996 lol). all things considered, i think the original is a more fun, more memorable movie, and i think the adaptation has a hard time finding its audience because it alienates fans of the original by virtue of having such different sensibilities but also idk if it competes that well with similar movies that came out around the same time wrt reception by more contemporary audiences who aren’t necessarily familiar with the original movie. and like many movies from the 2010s, it hasn’t aged super well in terms of style and special effects (although, to be fair, i’d argue the same for the original film, which just feels and looks so quintessentially 80s, just the new one feels and looks so quintessentially 2010s). i like it a lot though, it’s fun, it’s funny, it’s suspenseful, it’s entertaining, and the acting is genuinely good. it was kind of formative for me as a teenager discovering the horror genre for the first time, it will always remind me of staying up until 3 am watching whatever was interesting on late night tv. and chris sarandon does have a cameo in it which is iconic. anyway i started to write a full breakdown of how each character is adapted for the 2010s and why the setting works so well and why i think it’s been kind of lost in the static of remake reboot sequel prequel everything even though it’s honestly a pretty interesting remake that imo justifies its own existence as a remake. but that seemed like a lot of work for something that nobody is going to read lol

#anyway if you’re interested in fright night at all……. i have thoughts

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marvelmaniac715 · 11 days ago

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Here’s what I remember about Modern Doctor Who episodes which I have never rewatched (it’s been quite a while since I watched all the episodes back to back at the end of last year and throughout this year) but there’s a character limit so I’m cut off:

The Unquiet Dead - Ghosts and Charles Dickens and Rose’s first trip to the past with Nine

Aliens of London/World War Three - Farting Slitheen family aliens, politics and Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North then Prime Minister (yes, I know who she is)

Dalek - I screamed when I saw a Dalek levitate up the stairs, Rose imprints on a museum Dalek, the Doctor tells a Dalek to die and we meet Adam

School Reunion - K9, Sarah Jane, brain boosting chips and kids who do coding

The Girl in the Fireplace - Reinette, “I’m the Doctor and I just snogged Madame de Pompadour”, banana daiquiri, ‘I Could Have Danced All Night’, fake drunk Doctor insulting Mickey with the adjective “thick” , a horse that the Doctor can’t keep and a spaceship (I’ve seen so many TikTok edits so I know more about this one despite only watching it once)

Rise of the Cybermen/The Age of Steel - Rich Jackie in alternate world, living Pete, alternate Mickey, Rose the Yorkshire Terrier, Doctor and Rose as waiters, and the Cybermen

The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit - Satan himself, a possessed guy with pen on his face and introduction to the Ood

Love and Monsters - Absorvaloff, “wrong bucket”, LINDA, ‘Mr Blue Sky’, Jackie flirting with the protagonist and Elton John

Army of Ghosts/Doomsday - Cybermen, our first glimpse of modern day Torchwood, “I did my duty” and the devastating loss of Rose

Smith and Jones - Introduction to the BAMF Martha Jones, a platoon of Judoon on the moon and an old lady with a straw

Gridlock - Bad traffic, mood patches, Face of Boe says “You Are Not Alone” and a woman has a basket of cats with a cat man

Daleks in Manhattan/Evolution of the Daleks - Andrew Garfield, pig man, human Dalek, Empire State Building, Tallulah and the Great Depression (I distinctly remember sarcastically asking “is the Doctor going to stop the Great Depression?”)

42 - “Burn with me”, the sun and a quiz, aside from that I really don’t remember (hated this episode)

Blink - The Weeping Angels who give me the creeps, peeling off wallpaper to reveal a message from the Doctor, the Doctor’s dvd messages and Sally Sparrow (I physically cannot rewatch this because I instinctively stop blinking whenever I see the Angels and I don’t want my eyes to dry out so I’ll give this one a skip even though it is great)

The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End - Missing planets, Shadow Proclamation, insane vortex Dalek, Davros himself, a major epic team up with everyone from all over the Whoniverse and the devastating loss of Donna Noble’s memories

Planet of the Dead - “Hello, I’m the Doctor, happy Easter”, a bus, “He will knock four times” and Lady Christina (I think that’s her name anyway) being a thief and turned down flat when she tries to be a companion

The Beast Below - Happy and sad robot things and a very young looking Queen in space

Victory of the Daleks - Human Dalek guy, “Would you care for some tea?” and Winston Churchill being involved in a fight against Daleks

The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone - Return of River Song my QUEEN, Weeping Angels again, “That which holds the image of an angel becomes an angel” and the church army

The Vampires of Venice - Fish vampires, Venice, “then we will take your world” and the Doctor jumping out of a stag-do cake

Amy’s Choice - Dream pollen, Peruvian folk band with ponchos, pregnancy and sinister old people

The Hungry Earth/Cold Blood - Silurians, Amy being dressed for a much warmer country and a young boy who I affectionately dubbed ‘Exposition Child’ and promptly forgot the actual name of

The Lodger - Fake upstairs apartment, my city being the setting (not filmed there btw) and James Corden being… himself

The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang - Big villain team up, River becomes the sun, a fez is yeeted into the distance never to be seen again, plastic Roman Rory, Cleopatra River and the Doctor gives an epic speech

The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon - Child River, the Doctor dies and it’s very creepy

Night Terrors - Creepy dolls singing nursery rhymes, an old lady eaten by a bin, a man swallowed by his floor and an alien child overreacting to an extreme level

The Girl Who Waited - Old Amy and the Doctor lying to Rory to kill a version of Amy (not a cool thing to do)

Closing Time - Cybermen, Stormageddon, the Doctor working in a shop and James Corden 2: The Cordening

The Wedding of River Song - The Doctor doesn’t time so time goes weird, the Doctor gets hitched and I really can’t remember much else

The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe - Narnia ripoff with trees and Matt Smith falls out of a hammock then attempts to play it off like it was part of the scene in the script

Asylum of the Daleks - Dalek eye stalk on humans, Amy hallucinates whilst becoming a Dalek, a pointless divorce and Clara Oswin the soufflé making Dalek

Dinosaurs on a Spaceship - Dinosaurs and Rory’s amazing dad who has a trowel (also the Doctor has a Christmas list)

A Town Called Mercy - A horse called Susan who wants their owner to respect their life choices, the Doctor in a brand new hat and general Western vibes

The Angels Take Manhattan - Weeping Angel Statue of Liberty, more River and we lose Amy and Rory forever but there’s a nice mystery book with a foreword from Amy so it’s all okay

Cold War - Submarine and an Ice Warrior

Hide - 1970s ghost plot (didn’t like it)

Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS - FINALLY we see much more of the TARDIS!

Nightmare in Silver - Cybermen, ungrateful kids and Warwick Davis

Into the Dalek - Rusty says “You are a good Dalek”, Clara meets Danny Pink and cares so the Doctor doesn’t have to

Listen - Orson Pink, Dan the Soldier Man, the Doctor whips out his dad skills and fear is a superpower

Time Heist - Big bank heist and people with flat heads

Kill the Moon - Courtney from Coal Hill (glad she didn’t come back) and an uncomfortable allegory involving the moon being an egg

Mummy on the Orient Express - A train with a killing Mummy and Clara in a great outfit and bob haircut

Flatline - Rigsy, graffiti, tiny TARDIS with the Doctor trapped inside and scary vibes

In the Forest of the Night - Danny leads a school trip, there’s trees, one of the kids is played by the girl that used to voice Peppa Pig and I think at one point it tells kids not to take their medication? I got a bit confused with this one

Last Christmas - Santa and murdering dream worms

Under the Lake/Before the Flood - Bootstrap paradox monologue straight to camera (“Google it”), and the Doctor’s apology cards

Sleep No More - ‘Mr Sandman’ and eye crust

Oxygen - Capitalist space suits, a blue guy and the Doctor goes blind

The Pyramid at the End of the World/The Lie of the Land - The scary Monks rewrite history, Bill’s mum inadvertently changes things, Missy is iconic as always and Bill makes a bad deal

Empress of Mars - Ice Warriors and “God save the Queen” written on Mars

The Eaters of Light - Crows can talk, and Missy CRIES

The Woman Who Fell To Earth - We meet Thirteen and there’s a guy with teeth in his face

The Ghost Monument - Race and sunglasses

Arachnids in the UK - Spiders and Trump

The Tsuranga Conundrum - Pregnant man

Demons of the Punjab - Yaz’s grandmother and racism to aliens

It Takes You Away - Norway, Wooly Rebellion and talking frog

The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos - Teeth Guy

Resolution - Human woman possessed by a Dalek

Nikola Tesla’s Night of Terror - Boredom

Fugitive of the Judoon - Fugitive Doctor and Judoon

Praxeus - Boring mould

Can You Hear Me? - Nightmares

Ascension of the Cybermen - Irish boy is the Doctor

Revolution of the Daleks - Captain Jack!

The Flux - Boring aside from Dan

The three specials - Timeloop, Sea Devils and regeneration

#doctor who #modern doctor who #new doctor who #new who #nuwho #doctor who fandom #doctor who spoilers #my thoughts #memories #long post

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madokasfanficstories · 2 months ago

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Movie Night

Madoka and Sayaka are having a movie night during their sleep over. One movie might had gone too far because Madoka is traumatized and she's afraid of the dark. Can Sayaka help her to face her nightmares? This summary may actually be weak, but expect some comfort.

Madoka was just finishing cleaning up the living room, she wants to make sure it looks great for her girlfriend to show up. Madoka is super excited, not because they are having a sleep over (they've been doing this since they were children), but because it's their first one since they started dating. Madoka can still remember how Sayaka asked her out, and it surprised her. Even though Sayaka painted herself as brave and confident, she was a nervous wreck on the day she proposed to Madoka. Nevertheless, Madoka said yes, so today is extra special to her. Once everything was cleaned up, the doorbell ringed, which made Madoka jumped with excitement. She heads to the door and opened it and sees Sayaka standing there wearing casual clothing.

"I have a special delivery to miss Madoka Kaname," said Sayaka.

"And what is the special delivery that I am receiving today?" Madoka said playing along.

"Me of course," said Sayaka and she step forward and placed a kiss onto Madoka's lips. Madoka smiled for the brief role-play they did.

They then hug for about a few minutes, they love to do this. After that, they let go and just looked at each other.

"Are you ready for tonight?" Sayaka said.

"You bet. I set everything up and awaited for your arrival," Madoka said.

"Perfect! And guess what? I rented some movies over at the video store."

"That's great! Are there any romantic ones?"

"Actually, I thought of something even better," Sayaka had a grin on her face. Madoka doesn't like this grin. "While I was there, I figure we could have some fun. So, I rented some horror films."

"What?" Madoka was now afraid. "But Sayaka-chan, I hate scary movies." Madoka has always hated the horror genre ever since she was little, she couldn't sleep with the lights off because she was too traumatize.

"Don't worry, I'll be beside you as always. Anyway, I need to use your bathroom to change out of these clothes," Sayaka said.

"But I-" Madoka couldn't finish as Sayaka gave her the bag full of movies and headed straight for the restroom.

Madoka began to mope, knowing that tonight will be dreadful. But the nicest thing is Sayaka will be there to hold her hand. She then sat down on the living room floor, awaiting for the doom. Soon enough, Sayaka reappeared in the room, wearing her blue pajamas, which Madoka likes a lot. Sayaka then sat down next to Madoka and began to cuddle her girlfriend very warmly. Madoka cherishes this moment.

"Hey, where's the popcorn?" Sayaka questioned.

"Oops, I forgot the snacks," Madoka realized her error.

They went to the kitchen and grabbed their snacks and made it back to the living room. Once everything is settled, Sayaka rummaged her bag and picked out the first horror movie they're about to watch.

"I still don't like this," Madoka was worried.

"Don't worry, this is a kaju film, it'll be fun. Trust me," Sayaka reassured.

Sayaka placed the DVD on the DVD player and pressed play.

Two movies later

It was now nine o'clock at night and they sat down to watch two horror movies which weren't scary at all.

"Well, we should probably turn ourselves in," Madoka really just wanted to avoid the inevitable.

"Ha, nice try. There's still one movie left," Sayaka took out the last movie from her bag, and it looks like a alien movie.

"That... doesn't look safe to watch," Madoka was now extremely worried.

"Don't worry, the first movie was so boring, so the sequel won't be as scary. Come on," Sayaka said and swap out the DVDs and pressed play.

One movie later

When the movie was over, Sayaka slowly turned the tv off, shaking.

"Okay... that was a little scary..." Sayaka couldn't stop shaking. She didn't expected to be absolutely terrifying. She tried to hold Madoka, but she couldn't feel her.

"Madoka?" Sayaka looked to her side and sees that Madoka was inside her sleeping bag, shaking uncontrollably.

"Madoka?" Sayaka touched Madoka's sleeping bag, which causes Madoka to jumped in fear.

"It's me," Madoka looked out of her bag and sees her girlfriend with concerned eyes.

"Sa-Sayaka-chan... I-I'm scared..." Madoka said.

"I know, and I'm sorry," Sayaka got into the sleeping bag and tried to comfort her. Soon enough, Madoka relaxed and hugged her girlfriend very tightly.

"Don't let go," Madoka said.

"I won't," Sayaka said as she kissed her on the forehead. They soon fell asleep.

***

It was one in the morning and it was dark outside. Madoka suddenly woke up as soon as she felt some pressure from her abdomen.

"Sayaka-chan, I need to go to the bathroom," Madoka said.

Sayaka didn't wake up, she's still sleeping.

"Sayaka-chan, I can't go alone."

Still, Sayaka didn't stirred. Madoka continue to shimmer back and forth until she couldn't hold it in. She got up and began walking to the bathroom. As she was walking towards the hall, the darkness felt creepy and strange sounds can be heard. Madoka was scared, because she believes that aliens are coming inside the house and abduct her. But soon enough, the creepy sounds stopped, but Madoka was still in a paralyzing state. Once she was calmed, she proceeded to the bathroom. She made it to the door and started turning the knob open. She flicked the lights on, it illuminated the room, which caused Madoka to shut her eyes from the brightness. As she was heading for the toilet, the lights suddenly shut off. Madoka stood frozen, fearing for the worst.

What's happening? Am I going to be abducted?

Then, the bathroom window began to make tapping noises, which made Madoka to yip and ran straight to the corner in fetal position. Fear was overwhelming in her mind.

This isn't real, it was just a movie. There is no such thing as aliens. There is no such thing as aliens!

Then, she heard foot steps, the absolute worst nightmare was coming towards her. The foot steps were coming inside the bathroom, and was heading straight to Madoka. Meanwhile, Madoka covered her head, too afraid to look up at the invaders. Finally, she felt something or someone grabbing her shoulder.

"NOOOOO!"

"MADOKA, IT'S ME!"

Madoka looked up and sees Sayaka right in front of her in the dark.

"Sayaka-chan..." Madoka then burst into tears as the nightmare was finally over. Sayaka began to hug her girlfriend, hoping to calm her down.

"It's okay, I'm here now."

After a few minutes, Madoka finally calmed down and looked at Sayaka with a scared look.

"What's wrong?" Sayaka said.

"Th-there's something in-in the window-" Madoka was shivering in fear.

Sayaka looked at the window and noticed that tapping sounds can be heard.

"Don't worry, I'll go check it out. Stay here," Sayaka got up and headed to the window slowly. To be honest, she was scared as well, but doesn't want to be a coward in front of her girlfriend. As she got closer and check the window, she was fully relieved to see the problem (only to quickly tense up before breaking her bladder).

"It's okay, it's just a tree branch," Sayaka said.

Madoka then got up, checked it and, sure enough, it was a tree branch tapping on the window repeatedly due to strong winds.

"Oh, thank goodness. Thank you, Sayaka-chan, you're very brave."

"Hey, an Ally of Justice must protect her lover."

After the girls finished their business in the bathroom (holding hands the whole time), they returned to their sleeping bag while also holding each other from the darkness. They got inside and began to cuddled.

"Thank you again, Sayaka-chan, you're not afraid of anything," Madoka complemented her girlfriend.

Sayaka was a little sad after hearing that, she has to tell the truth. "Actually, I was afraid as well," Sayaka shamelessly admitted.

"Really?"

"Yes. When I woke up, I didn't feel you next to me. I thought the aliens got you. I was so afraid that I lost you, I'm nothing but a coward to yo-" she didn't finished that sentence because she was being kissed by Madoka.

"It doesn't matter, you were still concern for me. That doesn't make you a coward at all. Being scared doesn't make you weak, it makes you more brave that you faced them. You will always be brave to me. I love, Sayaka-chan."

Sayaka was now happy that her girlfriend doesn't think less of her now. "Thank you so much, Madoka, you made me so happy. I love you."

And soon enough, they both fell asleep in each other's arms. Their love had prevented them from letting go of each other... well except for Madoka's parents finding out that the girls left a huge mess in the living room.

The End

#fan fiction #fanfic #movie night #puella magi madoka magica #madoka magica #madoka kaname #sayaka miki #madosaya

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ivanttakethis · 2 months ago

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Before Round 7 - Tov’s Log (Bonus Scene)

Daiki (?) vs. Tallis (?) - ??? Win

————————————————————

Cassio was a hopeless romantic.

They loved soap operas and romance novels and sappy movies that Tov found too cloyingly sweet to stomach.

They loved love.

Tov never understood it.

When she would ask Cassio: “What does romantic love feel like?” or “How do the characters know they’re in love?”

Cassio always answered, with a wistful smile on their face: “You just know.”

Tov didn’t believe that.

At least.

Until…

Until she had Tallis’s face in her hands and he was looking into her eyes and he said: “I love you too.”

His words struck something at the very core of her. Like he’d plucked a harp string too hard.

Oh.

Tov knew now.

She knew with the same certainty that she knew suns were also stars. That humans bled red and warm. That she and all of her classmates were doomed from the moment they entered Anakt Garden.

Tov knew she was in love with Tallis.

It wasn’t a world altering realization, like in the films Cassio watched all the time.

There were no fireworks or chiming bells or fluttering hearts.

Instead, it felt like laying beside him under the warm sun in the fields of Anakt Garden.

Like not having to speak to be understood.

Like reaching out to grab a hand you know is always there.

It felt like home.

But how could she tell him all of that?

Tov wasn’t even sure she had the words to explain it properly. It was all tangled up in her chest.

Maybe she could kiss him on the forehead, like that time Tallis had gotten really sick when they were younger.

She’d been trying to comfort him.

His skin was hot to the touch. He probably couldn’t remember it at all.

Or.

Maybe.

Tov’s gaze fell to his lips.

Characters in Cassio’s shows kissed all the time. It was a common expression of romantic love.

Maybe Tallis would understand what she meant by it.

She looked back up at him, and found him doing the same.

Was he just—

Tov’s thoughts screeched to a halt at the look in Tallis’s eyes.

Sick of these nights to come

To be engulfed in silence

In your gaze, where I'm seen

Consume me, yes, me

“I love you too.”

All of her nerves settled then. The chaos in her mind quieted for the first time in days. Tov was certain.

She closed her eyes and leaned in.

Tallis met her halfway.

He always did.

Back and forth.

Push and pull.

Take a piece of me and I will keep a piece of you.

The kiss felt like home too.

It wasn’t much more than a simple press of lips together, but Tov’s stomach flipped anyway.

Tallis’s cheeks were even warmer than before.

His hand curled around her wrist, and his thumb brushed over her pulse point.

Tov’s medical band beeped in response.

She wasn’t sure which one of them pulled back first, but Tov didn’t let him go very far, still cradling his face in her hands. He still had a loose hold on her wrist. They were both still alive.

“I believe in you.” She whispered.

Tallis gave her a shaky, but genuine smile. “I know.”

Tov smiled in return, “Good.”

————————————————————

Tovallis kiss!! We won!!! (purposefully ignores what happened during Round 7)

This is a follow up to Before Round 7 and is 100% CANON!!! @lookatmysillies and I decided it would be and no one can stop us 😁

I included Cure lyrics in the log because it fits Tov and Tallis’s relationship during Alien Stage well. One of them will leave the other first, but it’s hard to come to terms with that.

Sick of these nights to come? To be engulfed in silence? In your gaze, where I'm seen?? Consume me, yes, me???

It’s all very Tovallis coded.

I actually wrote a whole post and lyrical breakdown of Cure in the context of Tov and Tallis’s relationship overall, if you want to read that.

Chronologically, End of Round 7 comes after this. Though it’s probably even more of a devastating read now knowing that Tov not only told Tallis that she loves him for the first time, but also just realized she’s in love with him. Oof.

Save me Tovallis modern AU, save me!!

#i love writing things that are specifically meant to devastate one (1) person #hiiiiiiiiii moon 🫶#alien stage #alnst #alien stage oc #alnst oc #alnst oc: tov #alnst oc: tallis #tovallis #alien stage fan season #alnst fan season #alien stage season 39 #alnst season 39 #tw blood mention #tov’s log

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givehimthemedicine · 2 years ago

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#rainbowshipgate

late March, 1979.

Someone gets off work at Hawkins Lab and stops off at the store on their way home to buy a pack of cigarettes.

"My son drew that," the cashier volunteers, pointing to a crayon drawing taped up by the register.

They smile politely and barely glance at the drawing, but when they do, they double take.

"Your son?" they hold out their hand for the change without looking. "Quite an imagination."

"He's only eight," she beams proudly.

Lighting up a cigarette, they rush the rest of the way home to make an urgent phonecall.

"Does someone wanna tell me how some elementary school kid from town drew a picture of something Top Fucking Secret?"

By April, HNL is surveilling young William Byers, son of the Melvald's cashier. They wiretap, they film, they learn routines, they pose as school officials to monitor his academic and creative output. He may be exactly the sort of talent they scout for across the world, quite literally in their own backyard.

Acquiring a new subject is always tricky, so they can't be hasty. They need evidence that this wasn't merely a coincidence, a fluke. They watch to see if the boy exhibits any other strange behavior.

They're still waiting in September of that year, when the HNL program... hits a snag. Its focus narrows to its lone survivor and most promising subject. Funding can't be secured for any new subjects at this time, however the Byers boy still poses a potential security risk, and continues to be monitored.

He is last observed the morning of November 6, 1983, travelling on Maple Street by bicycle, on the day when finally he does do something else strange. He vanishes.

A kid going missing isn't the strangest thing that happens on November 6 - curiously, there is another major incident at the Lab the same day.

When it becomes apparent that the two events are in fact connected, damage control is necessary. If local law enforcement is allowed to continue to search for the boy, the investigation could lead back to the Lab, attracting an undesirable level of public attention.

A fake body is created with very convincing attention to detail using surveillance obtained the morning of the boy's disappearance.

With the search over, the Lab should now be at its leisure to investigate Will Byers' whereabouts on its own terms. If the boy merely dies, irretrievable, at least the security threat is neutralized; if he can be privately recovered for study, all the better.

Unfortunately not visible in those surveillance photos of a long-sleeved Will Byers on a November morning: the birthmark on his right arm.

------

ok I'm not entirely seriously proposing that this happened, but hear me out anyway about a few things

That fake body.

to know what Will was wearing on the day he went missing, they had to have seen him wearing it. how then, unless they were already watching him? why would the Lab be watching some random child?

Some lab kids are wild-caught, like Kali.

In order to merit being taken for the program, must they not first do something to attract the Lab's interest - display some curious behavior, some sign of potential psychic ability?

Will loves medieval fantasy.

DnD and Lord of the Rings. he's always drawing things like battles and knights and dragons and wizards. his life, his friends, but through a lens of medieval type fantasy. so when Joyce tells the story of little Will drawing a spaceship, it bothers me. a spaceship, even a whimsical one, is such a conspicuous break from Will's usual genre.

Kids draw from a variety of inspirations.

Sometimes they draw from their imagination or their feelings.

Sometimes they draw exactly what they see in reality.

And sometimes they draw what they see somewhere in between. Without really even knowing what it is they're drawing.

What if little Will saw the rainbow spaceship in his mind, but not in his imagination.

So, what am I saying, Will had a vision of a spaceship? The upside down is another planet and the demogorgon is an alien? No.

(Haha,)

But really, no, Stranger Things isn't that genre.

So whose spaceship is it? Is Hawkins Lab building a spaceship? No. The lab's interest is in the human mind, not the space race.

I don't think there is a spaceship. But there could be something within Hawkins Lab (or somewhere similarly top secret) that a kid with a vague vision and a box of crayons might interpret as looking like a spaceship.

Just, I don't know, some kind of big metal Thing.

I'm not saying it would have been NINA or equivalent, but I'm saying there could be a Thing that could look like a spaceship out of context. In perhaps a vision, an accidental remote-view, a now-memory.

why would a Thing at Hawkins Lab have a rainbow on it? idk, it's not like they have a history of that.

Plot twists require hints.

Big reveals are no fun if there wasn't a clue in plain view the whole time. We have few flashbacks and anecdotes about Will's past, and if we're due some revelation in s5 about him either having powers or having more of a history with HNL or Henry than we thought, that is where a clue would be.

Joyce's rainbow ship story is littered with details that bother me.

Do you know what March 22nd is? It's your birthday. Your birthday. When you turned eight, I gave you that huge box of crayons. Do you remember that? It was 120 colors. And all your friends, they got you Star Wars toys, but all you wanted to do was draw with all your new colors. And you drew this big spaceship, but it wasn't from a movie. It was your spaceship. A rainbow ship is what you called it. And you must have used every color in the box. I took that with me to Melvald's and I put it up and I told everyone who came in, "My son drew this." And you were so embarrassed. But I was so proud. I was so, so proud.

Will being 8 may matter because he turned 8 in 1979. idk, of all ages to attach to this story why the one in the landmark year of 1979? his eighth would be his last birthday before the lab massacre (Sept 8, 1979). this scenario might not work with Will any older - perhaps whatever the "spaceship" was was eliminated post-massacre. or there's something to Will being the same age as El. I'll get back to you on this one

drawing with crayons on ST is so often associated with something not simply seen or imagined, but perceived in some strange way:

Will drawing his vision of the Mind Flayer in black/red crayon

Will scribbling the nowmemory tunnels feverishly with whole crayons

these aren't the only times he uses crayon, but contrast some of his noteworthy "normal imagination" drawings - Will the Wise, Zombie Boy - done in pencil instead, as are a lot of his other misc filler drawings. (when Will's fireball/cabbage drawing where crayons are prominently mentioned turns out to be a vision of season 5 I'll get back to you)

Joyce grabs crayons to trace the Mind Flayer off the TV

Nancy writes the decoded CLOSEGATE in crayon

Ten's lessons at the lab consist of remotely viewing Brenner's bad crayon drawings

Henry's drawing of the spider is in pencil, and the Mind Flayer in charcoal, but when he's drawing with crayons I don't know what he's drawing but the lights flicker

when Max draws her vision of the Creel house, she calls attention in the dialogue to Holly letting her borrow her crayons

Will lacking interest in his new Star Wars toys makes sure we know, in case we don't remember all the Will art we've seen, that he isn't especially interested in space.

Joyce even says it with this little eyeroll like "these punk ass kids think MY son is a space nerd? please. I know the Castle Byers password and it's a LOTR reference"

which is what makes this so conspicuous - why in the same breath as establishing Will isn't very interested in space stuff does she say Will drew a spaceship and emphasize that it isn't something he saw in a movie. that it came from his imagination. like.. yeah, isn't everything he draws? why was a spaceship on Will's mind if he isn't interested in space? am I wrong that we've never seen one single other drawing of space stuff among all his artwork?

finally, Joyce not only put this drawing up in public but told all her customers about it. this is the only anecdote of Will's pre-vanishing history I can think of that could suggest any adult outsiders (so potentially the Lab) taking notice of something he did.

in conclusion I'm kidding, unless it turns out I'm right in which case you heard rainbowshipgate here first

#the vanishing of will byers #will byers #st theory #rainbowshipgate #if will had disappeared in june the lab would've known about the birthmark #assuming they don't hang onto surveillance footage from the times he failed to do anything Strange #shh #mine

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centaurianthropology · 1 month ago

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Hammer Horror-a-thon: Horror Express

The first thing I realized when beginning this movie was that my ongoing watch party is now a bit of a misnomer, because this is NOT actually a Hammer production. But B-Grade-Horror-Flicks-of-a-Particular-Sort-of-Gothic-Style-from-the-50s-to-70s-a-thon just doesn't quite roll off the tongue like Hammer Horror-a-thon, and I feel like, despite now not watching a Hammer production, the vibes are still correct. So I'm sticking with the name.

The second thing I noticed almost immediately while watching the (frankly sort of sleek) credits is that the entire production team seemed to be Spanish. Turns out that this was a joint British and Spanish venture, produced by Granada Films out of Spain, and Benmar Productions out of Britain, which seemed to be making mostly B horror flicks. And it turns out that this film very nearly didn't get made, because Peter Cushing's wife died shortly before filming was set to begin in Madrid, and he was really struggling and wanted to back out of the film. It was only when Christopher Lee, who was one of his closet friends, stepped in to fill one of the other lead roles (mostly in a bid to support Cushing through the filming) that Cushing decided to go ahead with filming. Which is both incredibly tragic and incredibly wonderful. Get a friend for yourself like Christopher Lee was for Peter Cushing.

The somewhat sombre background of the filming of this particular entry into my viewing experience now explained in greater detail, let's get on to the movie itself.

We begin with a delightfully mustachioed Christopher Lee as Prof. Alexander Saxton, a British academic on a wintry expedition to Mongolia in 1908. His narration puts one in mind of something like 'The Mountains of Madness' by Lovecraft, though I doubt we're going to get quite so cosmic or esoteric in this film, but who knows?

Also, whoever decided that they needed this horror film to be narrated right off the bat by Christopher Lee needs a raise. The man just had one of the best voices.

While exploring some caves while wearing the largest and fluffiest of hats, Saxton stumbles on the frozen body of ... a person?? An ape?? it's fairly decomposed along with being frozen; just the level of still-sort-of-fleshy that precludes looking at a skull and being certain it's human. And also this is a B horror flick from the 1970s, so perfect fidelity with what a decomposed body actually looks like is probably not to be expected.

Although, that being said? One of the better corpses in a state of moderate to advanced decomposition that I've seen in a cheap horror film. I think someone on the production staff actually did some research, and I commend that level of attention to detail.

Human? Ape? Alien??? Who knows!

Anyway, a spot of good old British Empire bodysnatching later, and Prof. Saxton has acquired himself one decomposing body. Why does he want it? We're not sure, but he sure doesn't want it going anywhere, because that thing is in a heavy box with an even heavier lock and chain.

Flash forward to Peking (I think? The only copy of this movie I could find is the Spanish version, so all title cards are in Spanish, and it's been a few decades since I studied that language, but the city seems to be occupied by the Russians at this point, or at least the Russians are in every position of power we see at the station). Prof. Saxton tries to board a train to bring his newly stolen body home with him, but whatever arrangements he tried to make didn't go through. There is no room for him on the train. But just as it looks like he won't be boarding any trains, Horror Express or otherwise, who should walk in, but another British Academic, Dr. Wells, played by Peter Cushing!

And right away there is tension in the air. Wells seems very pleased to see Saxton, while Saxton is looking at him like Wells is the ex he hoped never to see again after a really rough breakup.

Exes-post-really-awkward-breakup was not the vibe I expected from these two in this movie, but I am already excited for it!

Wells flashes a whole lot of cash that buys him, his assistant, and Saxton all places on the train, along with all their luggage. Wells is smug; Saxton is seething, but has to let it happen if he wants a place on that train. The bitter exes vibes are through the roof with these two and I am loving it.

Meanwhile, on the platform, it seems like some folks are not thrilled by the British coming in and stealing their ancient corpses. Two very badly-dubbed men exchange a few words, and then one of the picks the lock on the massive chain Saxton has placed around the box. Unleashing a possible zombie on a train full of rich assholes and at least one body snatcher? Good for him.

Unfortunately, ancient horrors aren't known for being overly picky when it comes to murdering locals versus murdering British academics, and so our delightful lock-pick is the first to die, his eyes whited out. RIP, my guy. You just wanted to stick it to the man.

Saxton, meanwhile, does not want his ex paying for everything and getting the upper hand, so he accuses Wells of bribery, throws a little tantrum, knocks all the station master's stuff off his desk, and somehow gets a little group of soldiers sent to him from a local general?? It is very unclear why he gets this, but Saxton seems very pleased when he gets his ticket without having to grovel to the ex.

Meanwhile, the body of our would-be saboteur has been discovered, and has drawn quite the crowd. A Russian Orthodox priest who looks a lot like Rasputin is praying over him, and seems to be the only one who isn't totally blasé about the dead body with the white-out eyes. And we have our first scenery-chewer of the movie! He declares the box and its contents unholy to a Russian police inspector, and then to Saxton when he shows up demanding to know why Rasputin is trying to break into his box full of 'fossils'.

Got a feeling he's going to be one of my favorites in this movie. I love a good scenery-chewer.

Rasputin tries to demand that the box be destroyed, but Saxton isn't having that, and now that he's got his random soldiers, no amount of dead bodies will stop him from taking his stolen corpse fossils back to England.

Wells, meanwhile, is there collecting animal specimens (he's a biologist, I think??). The exes once again encounter one another as they're loading their respective specimen boxes into the baggage carriage. As Wells watches on, Saxton's box of 'fossils' starts to growl. As boxes of fossils are wont to do.

Saxton opens a little peep hole he had built into the box (so he could gaze upon the decomposed body??). He sees that the body is now partly thawed, but seems to just dismiss the growling as ... I don't even know what. Meanwhile, Wells, is watching on behind him, possibly realizing that his ex is a bit of a freak.

Or maybe he already knew that. Maybe that's why they broke up. Maybe that's why they got together.

"Babe, why did you chain your fossils up? Why did you make a little peep-hole to gaze upon them? Why do they MAKE NOISE?"

When Wells rightly points out that fossils, in general, do not growl, Saxton dismisses it out of hand. It's fine. It's a 2 million year old man ape eldritch abomination. They all do that. Wells just sort of accepts this and ribs him about presenting it to the Royal Society. Which gives the impression that he is very used to Saxton dragging horrors from beyond time back to England with him. It's just a cute quirk at this point.

At this point, a Polish Countess enters with what has to be a very poorly trained stage dog (or a very well trained to flail stage dog) to check her valuables into the safe. For a woman of the early 20th century, she certainly looks like a woman of the 70s, and immediately takes it upon herself to eye up Saxton, hit on him, and let him know she's married all in one fell swoop. She's a complicated lady.

The Countess and her flaily pooch

Saxton doesn't seem terribly interested, what with his ex there killing the mood, and what with the Countess being awfully fascinated by why her dog is so scared of the crate, so he leaves. The Countess follows, and Wells bribes the luggage master to drill a hole into that box and look inside. Because Saxton is a freak, but Wells is a freak too.

And because the station master ended up having the last laugh over both these dumbasses, we discover that they will be sharing a compartment. There is, alas, not only one bed, but there are tiny fucking bunk beds, so the exes must cohabitate.

Oh, also there's some lady who is crying and wants Wells' help? Very unclear why she's there. They both sort of ignore her while they angry flirt about accommodations.

When you're just trying to be a damsel in distress and the most dysfunctional gays on the train aren't even giving you the time of day.

Turns out, she's got no ticket, but has to get out Shanghai (was that where they were???). She offers to make it 'worth their while' if they smuggle her in their compartment. Saxton is deeply uninterested, Wells is trying to be chivalrous, and and she's getting sick of their shit, dabbing at her eyes less and less convincingly as they squabble.

The scene ends with the strong implication that she'll take the lower bunk since they'll probably just share the upper bunk anyway, no point in it going to waste. And given that their argument does indeed migrate up toward the upper bunk, it seems like she's got them pegged. Not having to play the damsel anymore, she settles in for what's bound to be a really weird train ride. We love a practical lady, and how, once she's secured that bottom bunk, she is entirely chill with everything happening. They can bang it out in the upper bunk if they have to; she's not bothered.

I cannot adequately express through photos alone how hilariously gay this scene is.

Unfortunately, the baggage master interrupts this brewing gay romcom by being impressively dedicated to that bribe he took from Wells. He's not just drilling a tiny hole in Saxton's crate, he's basically disassembling it! He fully removes part of the peek-hole, sees a decomposing corpse, and hurries away. But once he's gone, a decomposing arm reaches out to grab the chain and start breaking free. Literally breaking free, like grabs a nail, bends it, and gets to lock-picking sort of breaking free.

I suppose when you have several million years to kill, you pick up a few skills

The baggage master comes back just in time to become the monster's first victim, and it seems like it doesn't physically attack, but rather stares at its victim with glowing red eyes, and then their eyes go white and they bleed out of every orifice. It's simple, but surprisingly competent horror makeup.

Seriously, some solid work from the makeup design team here. Simple but disturbing.

There is now a monster almost loose on the train, and I really couldn't say if it's more Saxton's fault or Wells'. I'm going to blame them both, disaster gays that they are.

And they're not the only freaks on the train! Turns out the Count and Countess are swingers, or at least really into watching the Countess flirt with other dudes, and she's trying to pick out a dress to hit on Saxton. Rasputin, it turns out, is their own personal priest, though it's really unclear why they have him along as they don't seem terribly interested in spiritual advice, and he's not going to be any help at fashion advice. Maybe making him uncomfortable is part of their kink?

Not going to lie, I'm really enjoying these Edwardian swingers.

The Inspector has discovered that the baggage man is missing, and suspects it has something to do with the (now closed again) trunk. Especially after the first death on the train platform, so he calls the gays to the baggage car to answer for everything. Saxton tries stonewalling, Wells tries charming, but the Inspector still insists they open up the crate and see the 'fossils.' And after Saxton nearly gets closely acquainted with the butt-end of a rifle, he relents and hands over the key.

Only to discover that the corpse is gone, and a new one has taken its place! The baggage man got stuffed in the box, and the horror from the dawn of time is on the loose. Saxton admits that it was a 'fossil' (those generally aren't half-decayed, but okay) of a half-man-half-ape from 2 million years ago. How does he know this? Did he carbon date it? Did he ask it??

This will be difficult to explain to customs

And then comes perhaps the greatest exchange ever in the history of cinema:

WELLS: Are you telling me that an ape that lived 2 million years ago got out of that crate, killed the baggage man and put him in there, then locked everything up neat and tidy, and got away??

SAXTON: Yes I am! It's alive! It must be!

Understandably, the Inspector thinks Saxton is insane (he's probably not wrong) and wants Saxton locked up, and the ape found and destroyed. Saxton is not thrilled about that, being rather taken with the idea of a monster from the dawn of time being alive and running around, picking locks and staging crime scenes.

The ape ends up deciding against murdering a few sleeping children (thanks, ape), and instead kills a soldier. It also seems to be becoming less and less decomposed with each kill, so maybe the whole white-out-eyes-bleeding-from-every-orifice thing is how it feeds or something. It's a horror from the dawn of time, man. I don't know how these things work.

Wells is moping about his ex in the dining carriage while the lady who's stolen their bottom bunk tries to get him to be polite and pay attention to her. His heart really isn't in it, though, nor is it into being questioned by various and sundry people about Saxton. I guess it was cute when Saxton was dragging horrors back to England that weren't going on a killing spree, but a lot less fun when they're picking off people on the same train you're stuck on.

The Inspector drags poor Wells off before he can even eat his dinner to inspect the body of the soldier. He asks his assistant, Miss Jones, for help, and she gives him shit about hanging out with mysterious young ladies at his age. She is immediately my favorite.

Miss Jones is now officially the best and I don't want anything bad to happen to her

He and the eminently practical Miss Jones perform a sort-of autopsy (I guess he decided that the head was the only important bit, but I'm guessing he's a biologist or zoologist or something, and not a proper pathologist, so I'll forgive some sloppiness), and discover that ... gasp! All the wrinkles on the brain are gone!

That ape steals brain wrinkles ... is a phrase I never thought I would ever utter

They also talk some really hilariously bad science about how the wrinkles on a brain are all memories and learning (they are not), and by stealing the wrinkles, the memories have also been stolen. This is not the way brains work, but hey. We don't come to bad horror films for anything like accurate science.

While they're elbow-deep in a corpse, the Countess tries to go and seduce Saxton, but he's pissy about his horror from the dawn of time up and running off on him, and about being locked up, and probably about not at least getting locked up with Wells. And he's even pissier when she says that evolution isn't real.

You can be as sexy as you like, but Prof. Saxton doesn't have time for science deniers.

He admits that he might have brought an evolutionary horror onto the train that's now engaged in a killing spree, and she points out that it's a little fucked that he's moping about being locked up, and isn't particularly bothered by all the murder. Which, fair point.

Speaking of murder sprees, turns out that the lady who stole their bottom bunk is, in fact, an international spy! She sneaks into the baggage compartment, ignores the covered-up body there (I guess she's practical even faced with that), and goes for the safe to steal the Countess' jewels (why does a spy need this? No idea). But uh-oh, the ape snuck back onto the train and catches her. It murders her, and also steals the Countess' jewels. Because sure it does.

RIP to a practical queen

It almost catches Wells too, when he goes looking for her, but gets shot by a well-timed Inspector. But it's got its red eye (the ape is increasingly looking like a furry Terminator) on the Inspector, whose nose begins to bleed before he collapses.

It looks like the ape has been defeated, but why are we only forty minutes into the movie?

Saxton seems to have been freed post-ape-death, and discusses the case with the Inspector, positing that it was absorbing all the knowledge of its victims. So it turns out that the lockpicking was intentional! It picked it up when it ate the guy on the platform. And it knew the baggage carriage when it age the baggage man. And apparently it's now an international ape of mystery, as well, having absorbed a master spy's knowledge. Which I suppose is why it grabbed the jewels.

One of the Inspector's men brings in the bag that our spy stole containing said jewels, explaining that the ape had the bag. The inspector knows that the bag belonged to the Countess, despite having never seen it.

And Saxton realizes something in that moment (in an actual moment of show, don't tell, which is uncommon in bad horror films): if the ape can steal memories, could it push them as well? Could its own mind colonize another?

Is the Inspector really the Inspector?

Meanwhile the maybe-not-inspector returns the bag to the Count and Countess. It's apparently some miracle metal or something. Rasputin is still there, and even more unhinged and hammy, which is great. We really need some proper over-acting in this movie.

Flash from hammy acting to Wells, Saxton, and Miss Jones now working together. The exes seem like they're back together, and Jones is probably just happy that her employer isn't actually hitting on women young enough to be his daughter.

Wells is probably a much more pleasant employer when he's busy dealing with his boyfriend's eldritch horrors anyway.

They're apparently going to look at the vitreous fluid from the ape's eye under a microscope. How did they know to do this? Well, it seems that if brain wrinkles are memories, why wouldn't you be able to see those memories playing in vitreous fluid? We see the inspector, and they figure that its last memory is somehow stored in its eye. Because science.

And also because science, it's not only the last memory, but other memories. Including eyeball pterodactyls. I could not make this up, but I really appreciate the heights of goofiness this movie is now scaling. We've gone headlong into silliness, and it's about time.

Eyeball pterodactyl, because science.

They also see the Earth from space, possibly implying that we're dealing with an alien-ape-man-spy-thing. The Countess comes in, because they're stabbing eyeballs in the dining carriage, and Saxton shows her the Earth in eyeball fluid to prove evolution somehow. She calls in the hammy priest, and he thinks it's all a sign or something. He rants about prophecies or Satan or something (pretty sure he thinks that the alien-ape-man-spy-thing is alien-Satan-ape-man-spy-thing). The ladies give him some really glorious stink-eyes while the gays are definitely wondering who thought it was a good idea to let him at the magical ape eyeball fluid.

These two, contemplating their life choices

Which they have good reason to do, because Rasputin steals the eyeball and runs. They all go chasing after him, and because they're idiots they split up. Jones checks the baggage compartment, and finds the Inspector there. He asks her why she wants the eye and she explains what they saw, and who exactly saw it. And then his eyes turn red, and he kills her, the bastard. Look, that ape can kill spies and soldiers, but this asshole killed the best character in the movie?

He needs to die permanently.

This immortal monkey is going down

Rasputin, who's been watching all this go down, gives Inspector Ape the eye and begs for mercy. So five minutes ago he was convinced this thing was Satan and now he's offering himself up to it? That's some deeply inadequate faith.

Inspector Ape is now insisting that no one is allowed off the train. Mostly because it's determined to kill the Countess, Wells, and Saxton. He even kills the conductor to make sure they can't get away.

Wells and Saxton seem to be trying to figure out whether or not the ape is dead (because apparently Saxton totally forgot about that moment when he put everything together before, and has forgotten that he already suspected the Inspector had been taken over). They have at least realized that they were idiots for splitting up, and insist that everyone on the train stick with the buddy system.

Of course, that doesn't stop Saxton from immediately wandering off on his own and discovering that the conductor has been murdered (and thrown out the train window, to save on special effects makeup).

The train, unlikely to stop, is headed for a station. And at the station we're introduced to yet another character (I feel like we have way too many characters for an hour-and-a-half runtime). And this is ... a bald dude dressed like Evil Santa apparently having sex with some lady in the middle of a busy train station filled with the conductor and multiple soldiers. Evil Exhibitionist Santa seems to know a lot about the train, and possibly even the horror from the dawn of time. It looks like he wants to stop the train by force or something. Anyway, he's apparently some sort of Captain or something, and wants to stop the Devil.

Meanwhile Inspector Ape kills off the engineer who's been in the background of a few scenes because he knows about rockets. And apparently Inspector Ape wants to build a rocket and return to space or something. Just roll with it.

Then it goes after Saxton, but it turns out it doesn't have to drain his memories because he's still totally forgotten about that time he suspected Inspector Ape and instead happily babbles on about figuring out that it's an alien that took over the body of an ape millions of years ago and has taken over another person now. Who knows who! Certainly not Saxton twenty minutes ago!

I think Inspector Ape decided to kill him just to stop him talking, but before he can, Wells comes back with a shotgun. Inspector Ape realizes the boyfriends are back together, and even his attempt to sew some discord between them, implying one of them could be the monster, is immediately dismissed.

Monster?! We're British, you know! (No, that's literally the line)

Not wanting to have to deal with two smug academic boyfriends who are also armed, Inspector Ape beats a strategic retreat. Rasputin, who's gone full groupie for Inspector Ape, then leads him to the swinging Count to kill him for the formula of his super-strong steel to build that rocket ship he's on about.

Now, okay, Inspector Ape wants off Earth. Fair enough. Why does he need to kill everyone who saw the Earth in the eyeball fluid?? Why doesn't he just spend a few years building a rocket and go? Why do Miss Jones (RIP), the Countess, and the academic gays have to die too? Is he just worried Saxton will keep finding other horrors from the dawn of time and he won't be special anymore?

I guess no one expects straightforward reasoning from an ancient alien who eats people's brain wrinkles.

Luckily for the swinging Count, somehow the train does stop at the train station (how did that happen, with the conductor dead? Magic?). Evil Exhibitionist Santa boards with all his goons. This interrupts all murder plans as everyone is assembled, though the count and countess are taken back to their car since they're aristocrats and therefore Definitely Innocent.

Evil Exhibitionist Santa, suddenly worse than brain-wrinkle sucking aliens

He's just as hammy as Rasputin as he sort-of demands answers and sort of seems like he's just looking for an excuse to murder everyone aboard. He claims everyone is under arrest, including Inspector Ape, and when the academic boyfriends object they're basically pistol-whipped into compliance. Things are not looking good, and it would be a fine time for some brain sucking to save everyone's ass.

Unfortunately even the brain-sucking alien doesn't know how to defuse a psychopath with a bunch of soldiers and a gun. Rasputin steps in, and he and Evil Santa attempt to out-ham one another, but Evil Santa has a whip and whips Rasputin almost to death. Inspector Ape doesn't seem overly broken up about it (Wells seems much more upset, and is only stopped from running forward and probably also getting killed by Saxton's brutal practicality).

But realizing the lengths Rasputin would go to protect Inspector Ape finally clues Saxton into what he already figured out once before. he turns off the lights, revealing Inspector Ape's red eyes. Inspector Ape tries to run, but Evil Santa throws a knife into his back, then shoots him a few times. Inspector Ape still makes it out of the room, with Rasputin chasing after. Saxton even stops Evil Santa from following and getting his brain wrinkles sucked (I think this was a poor choice on Saxton's part, since getting rid of Evil Santa seems like the best way to improve the safety of everyone on the train).

Rasputin gleefully offers himself up to be taken over by Inspector Ape, who seems deeply confused by why anyone would voluntarily offer their brains up for consumption, but fuck it. So Inspector Ape Dies, and Apesputin is born

I am comforted by these glowing eyes clearly being full eye prosthetics rather than hellish contact lenses. Protect the eyes of your actors!

Meanwhile, apparently Evil Santa has lost his mind or something, because he and his men are just sort of emptying every bullet they have into the empty door through which Inspector Ape and Apesputin vanished. People are realizing this dude is seriously unhinged, and are all screaming and running. Even Saxton has realized that not letting Inspector Ape eat his brain was probably a really poor choice, and urges everyone to run to the baggage car, and leave Evil Santa and Apesputin to deal with one another.

And apparently Apesputin was the perfect host, because while Inspector Ape could barely handle a single person at a time, he just sort of wades through every single one of the soldiers, killing them in seconds. I know it's supposed to be horrifying and tense, but it sort of becomes hilarious how it Just. Keeps. Happening. Not a single shot fired. Apesputin for the win.

Saxton and Wells duck into their cabin while everyone else is screaming and running, trying to come up with an actual weapon against Apesputin. They already figured out that the red-eye effect only works in the dark, so if they can keep Apesputin in the bright light they might have a chance. They MacGyver something with a lamp and a candle and possibly a camera.

Back in the battlefield, all the soldiers are dead and Evil Santa is already bleeding from every orifice, but the ham is too strong with him, and he's not going down in an instant the way his red-shirt soldiers were. They get a second ham-off, this time with even greater stakes. Evil Santa grabs a sword and tries to get up, but it's too late. One more stare-down from Apesputin and he drops dead after two hammy, hammy scenes. Why was he included? I have no idea. Did he do anything for the narrative? I don't think so. He was there to chew some scenery and then die, and I respect that.

Chewing scenery to the end

The boyfriends, still learning nothing from their OWN BUDDY SYSTEM RULE, split up again! Saxton takes the light and the shotgun while Wells goes to take care of the others. And do what? And do why? You're both dumb.

Apesputin goes to finish what he started with the swinging Count and Countess. He manages to kill the swinging Count, but stealing Rasputin's memories means that he's more interested in monologuing at the Countess than murdering her. This gives Saxton enough time to show up and shine a light at him.

Unfortunately, Saxton was the worst guy to send to actually eliminate an ancient horror from the dawn of time, because that's his thing, man. He's way rather talk to it, and Apesputin knows that. So he tempts Saxton with all the knowledge of the world while he, apparently, starts bringing all his victims back as fucking zombies. Which Apesputin can apparently do now.

The swinging Count zombie shoots the lamp, and Saxton and the Countess barely manage to flee the car by power of Saxton shoving Apesputin sort of hard. They run, only to be waylaid by the soldier zombies. Luckily for them, Saxton has apparently been taking sharpshooting classes or something because he manages to shoot most of them, which at least knocks them over long enough that they can keep running.

They reach the baggage carriage and a fretting Wells, who barely notices the Countess in his happiness to see Saxton still alive and kicking. He's already had the idea to separate the baggage car from the rest of the train, which seems like a seriously good idea (although aren't a few of the zombies in there too??) given that they're two middle-aged academics, and there are a bunch of soldier zombies and an alien-Satan-monk-ape-man-spy-thing from the dawn of time now driving the train to who the hell knows where? Sometimes you have to cut your losses.

Two biologists trying to figure out how to decouple a train

And it's especially good since Moscow, not hearing from Evil Santa, has ordered the train stopped at the next switching point, one fork of which, very conveniently, leads straight off a cliff. Why would you build train tracks off a cliff? Oh well, they'll come in handy when they want to kill literally everyone aboard because Evil Santa isn't returning Moscow's calls.

The academic gays manage to decouple the baggage car just in time, and the front end of the train goes off a cliff, effectively destroying this particular evil since the dawn of time. The movie blows its budget lighting a ton of train cars on fire, and the last shot shows a slow pull-back on the Earth itself. Implying there are plenty more horrors out there that these two goofy idiots will probably go and dig up.

These two dudes are definitely not going to learn their lesson and will definitely be digging up other eldritch abominations, just as a couple

So, how did I like Horror Express? It's perhaps not as delightfully exuberant as 'Dracula A.D. 1972', but it still occasionally seems in on the joke and having a good time. And honestly, it was probably the best horror film of the horror films I've seen so far. It wasn't quite scary, but it had some good effects and some really solid makeup.

But the real reason to see this one is getting so ee Cushing and Lee sharing the screen for most of the movie. Their bitchy exes chemistry is way too much fun. Also the fact that the Countess wasn't cheating on her husband, but they were just swingers was a really fun touch. Also, RIP Miss Jones, you were too good for this world.

I also appreciate how goofy the plot got, how pointless Evil Santa was except to chew some scenery, how the horror makeup and effects were frankly better than they had any right to be, and how they blew their budget on eye prosthetics and burning train cars.

All in all, a very gay, solid romp. I definitely enjoyed it and recommend it to anyone looking for a stupid movie with eyeball pterodactyls for the spooky season.

#hammer horror-a-thon #horror express #peter cushing #christopher lee #genuinely enjoyed this one #a good solid romp #probably the best straight up horror film of the lot I've seen so far #not scary #but had some solid horror effects #and a very bitchy gay duo

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