#anyway follow me for more nerdy maths things or whatever

[bookworm-2692]

After the absolute carnage and chaos of Session 3 and 4, I desperately wanted to see a graph of everyone’s life left compared to each other, and this is the result of that. I will include close ups of each session below the cut, as well as screenshots of the full (colour-coded!!) data. Updates: Session 5, Session 6, Session 7, Session 8.

Note that I’m using the times that everyone should have based on their kills and deaths, and not what was actually shown (since I know Tango was accidentally given 1.5 hours for his boogey kill instead of just 1 hour, and Skizz hasn’t yet received his 30 minutes for killing Tango), so we’ll see if these times are rectified for Session 5, or if I will adjust my graph to show what is actually used.

Before I show the close ups, I just want to explain the colours used. I picked a base colour for each team and then used a different shade of that colour for each member of the team, to make it easier when looking at a mess of lines. TIES are red because Tango made the bowtie on the tower red (and also because of the red tie in Skizz’s skin, and also Tango’s skin is red). The Bad Boys are green because of all their crops (wheat and potatoes and carrots so far). The Nosy Neighbours are purple because of Watcher-related reasons. Mean Gills are teal because of the coral reef and the warm water colour (and also Scott’s hair). Clockers are orange because Minecraft clocks are gold, and orange is the closest colour to that. Below is a screenshot of all the colour choices I had, and I labeled each one with the player I picked for it

Now for the close ups of each session, with labelling for where each player is at at the end of each session. The grey squiggly downward line is simply the average of all the players’ times at that instant, and the green, yellow, and red horizontal lines mark out 24, 16, and 8 hours respectively. There are no markings for the number of hours, but each gridline is an additional hour, so you can count up and down from the colour-coded lines.

Session 1 close up

Session 2 close up

Session 3 close up

Session 4 close up

So as you can see... there’s less than three hours between the bottom nine people, and a much larger gap from them to the top five. And all three of Skizz’s teammates are amongst those with the most time, so I don’t think Skizz will be first out if TIES play their cards right.

Next I am going to show the data tables I used to generate the graphs! I colour coded them so you can easily see green lives vs yellow lives, and also how often some people switched between them (and you can also see the single second Scar technically turned green during Session 3 before dying, which is also the weird orange vertical line on the graph).

There’s a new row every ten minutes, and every death created two new rows, the first of which is the times a second before the death, and the second is after the death, in order to create the sudden vertical drop.

Deaths are marked with red borders around the box, and time being gained is marked with a green border. All times are in hours and only display to two decimal places, but were calculated down to the second (and the times in hours, minutes, and seconds can be seen at the very left.

Without further ado:

Session 1 data

Session 2 data

Session 3 data

Session 4 data

I find this is a super good visualiser of all the green and yellow switches during the session.

And to visualise the absolute chaos of a specific ten minute segment during Session 3... below shows how much space the chaotic ten minutes takes up in the data due to all the deaths... compared to the entire two hours before it (remembering each row is a new ten minutes or a new death... so for a single ten minute segment to take up almost as much space as two hours, really shows a lot)

Anyway, I had an absolute blast putting all this data together and I’ve spent so much time since the weekend just staring at all the pretty graphs and data. I hope this helps other people keep track of all the death and carnage and times and so on, like it helped me.

[ridiasfangirlings]

sarumi where Fushimi is a high school teacher who graduated young as he's a genius and Yata is a delinquent. They didn't get along at first (Fushimi is just taking this job as it's the only available one atm) but they have to deal with each other a lot and so they got close. Due to his looks and age, Fushimi is popular with the students and many of them have a crush on him (even if he's mean) and soon Yata starts crushing on him, too but knows he won't be taken seriously as he's a kid.

I'm going to go with Fushimi and Yata are the same age and Fushimi just graduated early because otherwise this would be a little too sketch. Though imagine Yata slowly getting a crush on Fushimi and assuming that Fushimi's older, thinking he won't be taken seriously because he's a kid and how bad it would be anyway if an adult like Fushimi hooked up with a high school kid and then he finds out that Fushimi is in fact several months younger than he is. Like say Fushimi, being a genius and all, graduates high school when he's middle school age and even gets into college. However he suffers burnout pretty quickly due to high expectations and his shitty abusive parents, causing him to drop out of college and move into his own place away from where his parents live. He doesn't want to use any of their money so he needs to get a job but that's easier said than done, he'd prefer a coding type job that he could do from home but the only places that are hiring don't want to hire a kid. Fushimi's getting desperate when he sees the teacher job show up, Fushimi figures the school would probably be impressed that a young genius like him wants to come there and teach (even though he doesn't, in fact, want to come there and just has no choice).

Somehow he ends up getting hired, superintendent Munakata is an eccentric kind of guy and thinks that perhaps the students would best be able to relate to one of their peers. He encourages Fushimi to get to know his students and Fushimi's all yeah right whatever even as he thinks that this job is going to suck. The position is for like a math teacher and despite his terrible attitude and the fact that he clearly doesn't want to be there Fushimi becomes very popular very quickly, all the girls end up with a crush on the cute new math teacher and there's a lot of talk about how young he is even though nobody actually knows that he's even younger than they're thinking.

Yata ends up transferred into the class and imagine he just gets off on the wrong foot immediately, like first before class he runs into Fushimi in the hallway – literally, Yata was trying to skateboard down the hall and Fushimi stepped around the corner and they collide. Yata starts to apologize but Fushimi clicks his tongue and complains about idiots who can't follow school rules. Yata assumes this guy must be some nerdy student and is like don't call me an idiot I was just having fun, Fushimi gives him a withering look like and you're loud too. They argue back and forth for a bit and then Fushimi says he has to get going. Yata wonders who that guy was and then heads to his classroom, when he gets there Fushimi's taking a nap on a desk in the corner. Yata doesn't remember this guy being in his class and he's like you called me an idiot you're the one asleep on someone's desk. Class starts and Fushimi gives Yata this twisted grin as he gets up and walks to the head of the room, introducing himself as the new math teacher while Yata sits there open-mouthed all well shit.

So of course Yata quickly becomes Fushimi's favorite student, who he enjoys constantly calling on and asking to come up to the board to do problems and it's pissing Yata off and making him feel stupid. One day he finally waits after class is done and confronts Fushimi about being a shitty teacher, like yeah you think it's fun to pick on me because you suck too much to teach me anything. Fushimi gets annoyed about that and decides he's going to be Yata's new tutor then and beat some knowledge into his brain. That's how they end up spending a lot of time together and maybe Yata even gets invited to Fushimi's apartment after school for a study session and gets to see how Fushimi lives like a slob. As they spend more time together they start to like each other more and Yata feels all weird about it because he's having all these feelings about Fushimi but Fushimi's his teacher and way out of his league (and then he finds out that Fushimi's younger than him and that actually makes things worse because it's suddenly much harder to think of him as a teacher and authority figure rather than 'Saruhiko, who's smarter than anyone but can't cook or clean or take care of himself to save his life').

[krowfics]

Logan’s Problem

Fandom: Sander Sides

Ship: romantic logince, platonic analogical

Plot: Logan was in love, this is a problem. He’s not going to tell Roman, of course.

Words: 2,586

Notes: Highschool AU, Virgil is into minorly illegal things (graffiti), there's a slightly nsfw joke(?), discussions of diet and food, misunderstandings (it’s pretty brief), kissing

~~~

Logan had a problem.

Frankly, he had lots of problems everyday but none were actually ‘real’ problems per say. He had plenty of math problems that equations and formulas could fix. He had problems with the classmates he tutored as their problems became his own. He had a problem when one of said classmates needed to cheat due to being unable to pass otherwise, not for lack of effort on Logan's behalf or their own of course, and Logan had almost gotten caught sneaking a picture of the answer key from the teacher's paperwork.

He had problems, he'd had some bigger problems in the past, but none can compare to this.

Logan was in love.

He didn't come upon this purely on his own, he did need to credit his local emo for planting the idea in his head.

It was a brisk night, but nothing too chilly, still that hadn't stopped Virgil from wearing his regular hoodie, it only encouraged him considering the fact that he usually wore it even on the hottest of days. Logan watched him as the delinquent sprayed the school's brick wall with fresh paint.

"He's infuriating." Logan said.

"Tell me about it." Virgil was clearly preoccupied with his piece.

Logan hastily ran his fingers through his hair, almost knocking off his glasses but not caring. "He just-" He sighed, "He's smart, and yet he's an idiot. He's an oxymoron! Schrodinger's cat but if the cat was some majestic beast who was both simultaneously perfect and flawed in the worst ways."

"Mm." Virgil hummed.

"I mean, for example," He began, "He works out everyday, he has a strict schedule of alternating which parts of the body to focus on which days to allow proper muscle growth and avoid unnecessary pains, something I do as well, but! He also spontaneously gets ice cream when out with the theater club! I've no problem with eating ice cream, obviously, but I'm not trying to be that toned."

"You got a thing for muscles, huh?" The emo cocked his head.

Logan felt his face flush with pure heat, "Ah- er- no. No." He stuttered out in response, "I mean, yes. But no. That has nothing to do with my point. My point! Is that he's somehow figured out how exactly to do spontaneous things like that without ruining the ability of others being able to see his abs by the next day- Abs are hard to retain is what I’m saying."

Virgil laughed, spinning on his heel to look at his friend, "Ignoring everything you just said about abs." He tried and failed to stifle another laugh, "We're talking about a boy who confused a frog for a turtle."

"I know!" Logan said far too dramatically but he didn't pay any mind, "And yet he aced the last biology quiz!"

Virgil blinked, "Did he cheat?"

"No." Logan waved his hand with a sigh, "I checked, besides, he cares too much about ‘honor’ to do that."

Virgil twisted his face at that, a clear grimace of disgust, "He's a goody two shoes. You have a crush on a goody two shoes. Gross."

"It's not-" Logan stopped himself, it only took one strong stare from Virgil for the truth to spill, "Holy shit, it is a crush."

Virgil stepped over to pat his back halfheartedly, "There, there."

"Okay but! Everyone in the school has a crush on him."

"I don't!" He defended.

"You did."

"I did." He conceded.

"Exactly." Logan said, "I'm not special, I'm just one of the many onlookers. Besides, it's to be expected that I am... attracted to him. He's physically fit and otherwise conventionally attractive, and very good at make up when he wears it for productions and he's kind to strangers and holds open the door when a teacher asks me to carry an absurd amount of paperwork and he usually offers help with that smile. You know that smile, right? That he gives and it's like it triggers a panic attack but good?"

"I think you're in love."

"I'm not!" He gasped.

"You are."

"I'm not."

Virgil stared at him with a deadpan look for a long moment before shoving his spray paint cans into his backpack, Logan glanced up and vaguely acknowledged that it was done and was an impressive work of art as usual. "Uh-huh." Virgil said, occupied with taking a picture of the graffiti with his phone.

"I'm not."

He was.

He was in love with Roman Prince.

This was a problem.

This problem became significantly more apparent when he ran into the boy in question at school, or rather, Roman ran into him. Literally.

He’d turned a corner, perhaps a bit too quickly and definitely too distracted by the sheer amount of papers he had in his hold. It was at moments like these that he almost regretted being such a teacher's pet, almost but not quite. it did have its perks along with its downsides, he wasn't exactly sure which one crashing into the other student was. 

He had yelped and dropped nearly everything, losing his own balance along with the papers. Luckily he was caught and held up by a strong arm, unluckily, being caught made him drop the final pages he’d managed to hold on to. He and Roman stared at each other for a long moment, Logan was almost certain he hadn’t breathed and his face flushed an embarrassing color. Roman had righted him but hadn’t let go of his arm yet, “Are you alright, Specs?”

“Uh- erm, yes.” He readjusted his glasses, both as a way to try and distract himself from his blush and to actually fix his glasses as they were skewed from the collision, “My apologies, I wasn't looking at where I was going.”

“Oh no, that’s on me.” Roman said, only then letting go of the other’s arm and Logan tried to not be disappointed at the loss of contact with the other student, “Don’t tell anyone but I may or may not have been running in the halls.”

Logan looked around, “Well, there’s no hall monitors or teachers in view so I could hardly blame you for trying to travel quicker.”

“What’s this?” Roman laughed, “Is the teacher’s pet encouraging rule breaking? How scandalous.”

Logan rolled his eyes with a smirk, “I can assure you, my loyalty to the staff is a purely fabricated illusion.” And that probably something he shouldn't say. It definitely wasn’t something he’d say to just anyone, really only Virgil and a good few of the more trusted classmates he tutors knew that he wasn’t actually fond of the teachers, it’s easier to break rules when teachers think you couldn’t lie to save your life, but Roman wasn’t just anybody, was he? Logan turned, hoping what he’d just said hadn’t been a blunder, and stared at the floor with a sigh. 

He crouched down to start restacking the pile, thank fuck they were all copies of the same page and thus didn’t need to be in order. Roman joined him on the floor, “So, to which teacher do we owe the pleasure?”

“Mrs. Libelle.” 

“That fiend.”

Logan snorted at that, “If you’re in a hurry, I can handle this.” he offered.

“Are you kidding?” Roman gawked, “First of all, what kind of gentleman would I be if I did not help a nerd in need?”

Logan refused to acknowledge his returning blush, he instead squinted at Roman and opened his mouth to respond but was quickly cut off.

“Second of all,” He continued, “This is like a thousand pages to many for one person. And third of all, I have nowhere that I need to be in a rush, I’m just impatient.”

“I see,” Logan said, gathering a few more stray pages, “In that case, thank you.”

“No problem, Nerdy Wolverine, it was mostly my fault anyway.”

“Agree to disagree,” Logan replied instead of addressing that nickname.

Once all the papers were picked up and Logan had to watch Roman stretch up to release tension in his back, and no, don’t stare at his stomach Logan. An inch or so was revealed when his shirt was lifted with the stretch, it’s just a stomach, stop staring.

Logan cleared his throat and reached for Roman’s stack, “Thank you for the help, now I’ll be on my wa-”

“Ah ah ah!” Roman leaned away, taking the stack of papers with him, “Lead the way, Pocket Protector.”

Logan stared for a moment, but didn’t argue. He started walking and the other followed, “I’m not even wearing a shirt with a pocket to be protected let alone a pocket protector itself.”

Roman snorted, “Whatever, Nerd.”

Logan failed to suppress a smile, “You have used that one already in this conversation.” He pointed out, “I thought you were more creative than that.”

Roman gasped, “Oh, how you wound me!” he said overzealously.

The nerd in question just rolled his eyes.

“I was going to call you dork, but Remus told me what that word came from the other day and I can't stop thinking about it.” Roman faked a gag.

“Ah yes, plenty of curses have odd origins that have little to no resemblance to its in current use,” Logan said, turning a corner and glancing over to see Roman still following, “But I do understand being disturbed by whale penis.”

Roman gawked, “By the stars! Not you too- How do you know that?”

Logan stopped as he reached his designation and spun on his heel to look at the other boy, “I’m a nerd.”

“Yeah yeah,” Roman shifted his grip and stepped past Logan to open the door that was already slightly ajar.

“Oh you don’t…” Logan started but trailed off at Roman’s raised eyebrow, “Thanks.” He said instead of finishing, ducking his head as he walked into the room.

Logan spotted a clear enough spot at a desk and set his pile there. This was just the first stop however, Mrs. Libelle had instructed him to bring half the copies to Ms. Leading’s office and the others to Mr. Sanders, because Logan was just her loyal dog, apparently. He sighed and walked up to Roman, who was standing there, looking like he was waiting for instructions. Which was kind of cute.

“Thank you for helping me,” He found himself struggling with eye contact, “I can carry the rest on my own, so you can head out now.” He reached for the stack and Roman pulled it away from him for the second time today.

Logan looked up to see Roman staring at him quizzically, “Do you want me to leave?”

“What? No,” Logan blinked, “I don’t want you to- No, you can do whatever you’d like.”

“Woah, hey, it’s okay Nerd.” Roman said, causing Logan to notice the tension in his shoulders, “I did something wrong, right? I’m a dumbass, I say the wrong things all the time. I’d like to know what I did but you don’t have to tell me, it’s okay-”

“Oh my god, you’re an idiot.” Logan breathed.

Roman tilted his head, which was absolutely adorable, “Thank you?”

Logan pinched the bridge of his nose, “You haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t- I don’t want you to leave.” Logan sighed, mostly at himself, and looked at the other man. He tried desperately not to let his face flush but it didn't really matter right now. He’d make Roman think he’d done something wrong, and that chivalrous bastard wasn’t even pushing for an explanation. Honestly, he was too nice, too perfect for his own good. “My apologies,” Logan started, “It had been brought to my attention that I... retain romantic feelings for you, and it has made me anxious, I suppose. So I attempted to have you leave quickly. I’d understand if you'd like to leave now if knowing this makes you at all uncomfortable.”

The other boy blinked at him, “Simplify, please, Nerd.” He said very quietly, as if he was already aware of what Logan said but wanted to make sure.

Logan cleared his throat and readjusted his glasses, which probably didn’t need the readjusting at all this time, “I have a crush on you.” he clarified quietly, “And I’m not confessing, really, just giving an explanation for my behavior. Thank you for the help. You may leave.”

“You like me?”

Logan nodded, “This can’t be much of a surprise.”

Roman shook his head, “Did you not just call me an idiot?”

Logan’s eyes widened, “I assure you, I meant no negative connotations-”

“Chillax, Nerd.” Roman waved a hand, unknowingly giving Logan a moment to decipher whatever ‘chillax’ means before, “I like you too.”

And that left Logan reeling. Because no. No? How? Roman was the high school’s pretty boy, their prince, their designated hot guy with abs. How does the hot guy with abs like him back? There must’ve been a miscommunication. Somehow.

“Come again?” Was all he managed.

But Roman smiled and Logan’s heart went from beating out of his chest to figuratively soaring, “I like you too. Or uh, I retain romantic feelings for you too.” He chuckled.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Well, this was unexpected, “What do we do now?” Logan said, more to himself than the other.

Roman shrugged, “What do you want to do?”

“I honestly never planned to get this far.”

Roman huffed out a laugh, stepping around to the desk so that he could set his pile down next to Logan’s, “Well,” He said, making his way back to the student, “I could kiss you.”

“I-” Logan felt like a metaphorical deer in the headlights, but in a good way? If that was even remotely logical, which it wasn’t, “I wouldn’t be opposed.” His voice came out a whisper.

To that, Roman reached up and gently cupped his cheeks. Roman’s eyes flicked down to Logan’s lips and Logan found his eyes doing much of the same.

The kiss was soft, absolutely nothing like he’d expected from the student before him, but not bad in the slightest. It was short, too short, Logan found, so he took to pulling Roman back in only a moment after the first ended.

Roman pulled back again, rubbing Logan’s cheek gently with his thumb as he did so. He smiled so warmly, Logan thought he’d melt. 

“And…” Logan vaguely noted that he probably sounded a bit out of it, “What do we do now?” he smiled at the other.

“Hm.” Roman hummed, “Ice cream?”

“Ice cream sounds good.” Logan agreed. He had a date. A date with Roman Prince. “But, papers.”

“Papers?”

“Papers.” He pulled away begrudgingly. He grabbed half the papers and went for the door, stopping only for a moment, “I'll be right back.” He then slipped out the door and speed walked to the other teacher’s classroom. Mr. Sanders was there and had made small talk that Logan managed to survive. He was gone as quickly as he arrived, rushing back to Roman and finding him just stepping out of the door of the room he was left in.

Roman grinned when he saw Logan approach, he reached for Logan’s face again once he was in range. He pulled him in for another kiss, something Logan could hardly argue against, “Ice cream now?” Roman asked, face still impossibly close to the other’s.

Logan nodded slightly, “Yes.” finding his hand in Roman’s a moment later, being pulled down the hallway. Roman’s unabashedly happy smile was sure to match his own.

So, maybe this wasn’t a problem after all.

~~~

This is actually a fully fleshed out au that i will probably write more of, idk- no promises

my,, hyperfixation on health and exercise kinda slipped into this one? im sorry, i don’t know what happened, but Logan likes muscles i guess asjkdkls

also i do not know how american high schools work at all, i was homeschooled so im going off fanfics and anime (which doesnt help with the american thing-)

[morwensteelsheen]

If Faramir went to Rivendell, how would the whole ttt/rohan plot be different?

A good question that I have spent an unreasonable time thinking about! My first LOTR fic was going to be an attempt to answer this, but then I got so wrapped up in not having the answers that I sidelined it and wrote WC instead. So I think instead of giving you one definitive answer I’ll give you a couple scenarios I think are plausible? If that’s not too much of a cop out lmao? Apologies in advance for the inevitable spelling errors, I did this on my phone and my dyslexia is off the charts today.

I think it’s basically unavoidable that he goes via Rohan first, geographically he’s sort of left without an option there. When he’s there, we get into this issue of whether and how he and Éowyn interact. Worth noting, I think, that the Unfinished Tales has Éomer living in Aldburg by the War, but Éomer does seem to imply he’s around for Boromir passing through. Is this because he knows and already is a fan of Boromir? Maybe! Or maybe Éomer goes to Aldburg after.

But I digress. We have to ask the question of whether Faramir falls in love with Éowyn because he was always going to fall in love with Éowyn, or if it’s because the things he’s gone through immediately preceding it primed him for it. I — perhaps quite cheaply — come down on the side of Faramir always having it bad for her on first sight. And contextually I think that comes from his, rather sweet, enunciation of the way his regard/love changes for her. He says that at first he pities her, and then he gets to know her and he doesn’t pity her anymore, he respects and admires her. That’s an interesting dynamic to bring into play in basically every AU, because you get this double barrel characterisation of his attitude to her changing, and his own character maturing/sharp edges softening.

I think he off the bat he sees that she’s beautiful, and immediately is drawn to her for that. Shallow? Maybe! But, to badly paraphrase my ol fav Victor Hugo quote — love always begins with a glance.

I imagine he stays for a short while, maybe a week, two at most. At this point I think that Éowyn’s basically viewing him as an official guest that she has to entertain, and I think Faramir is, in his own, slightly stilted, slightly wanky way, putting the moves on her. This can go, imo, one of two ways. She can either be receptive to it (which is a nice thought!) or she can be aware of it but mostly ignore it because, really, she’s got lots of shit on her plate.

Either way, he leaves Edoras at some point. The big question is where does his go from there?

One thing I toy around with is that, given his pre-existing relationship to Gandalf, maybe he’s willing to trust the Istari a bit more and goes straight for Isengard? Which, and I think I did the math on this once a few months ago, would have him arriving at Isengard around the time Gandalf’s getting his shit kicked in by Saruman lol. I think this could be a really compelling plot point, but I’ll be very honest with you, I 100% don’t have the imagination or writing skills to figure out how it proceeds from there, so I’m not going to try to.

If he goes the normal Boromir route, he still loses his horse at Tharbad and walks (lmao jesus???) to Rivendell. When he gets there, I think he’s immediately going to have everything he knows put to the test in quite jarring ways. First off, he’s going to be infinitely more deferential to Elrond, Aragorn &c when they’re trashing Gondor. He’ll push back a bit, no doubt on that, but he’s going to be starstruck by Aragorn in a way that Boromir just wasn’t.

No real difference I imagine between Rivendell and Lothlórien, except that he’d definitely be laser focused on palling about with Aragorn, and he’d probably spend more of his time being friendly with Frodo than with Merry and Pippin tbh (not in a douchey way, I just think he and Frodo vibe a little better. Though I bet he and Merry had some interesting chats about pipe weed history).

The underlying question here is what sort of relationship does he have to the ring? I don’t buy this idea that he’s not tempted by it, I just think that what the ring offers him is a bit shit. We don’t know what the ring tempts him with, he’s not clear on that in TTT. I can’t really see the ring being like ‘oh I’ll give you a king to follow’ because that is some intensely nerdy shit, but is somehow the one thing I could see Faramir actually being tempted by. Regardless of what it offers him in this AU, he resists it on the basis that he’s got this mythical king he’s been desperate for, and he’s not gonna risk that for anything.

Lothlórien comes next, and oh my god when I tell you this is the part I genuinely have no answer for. I stopped writing my first fic at Lothlórien because I couldn’t cope. Tbh it probably lowkey fries Faramir’s brain, and for so many reasons. The whole godmoding Númenórean stuff he’s got going on probably interests Galadriel a bit, and so that whole conversation is going to be wildly different than it was for Boromir. But what does she say to Faramir? I have no idea. I really don’t. There’s also probably a million and one things also going on psychologically for him at that point, which makes dealing with this bit difficult. Really difficult. So I’m gonna, uh, conveniently smash cut away.

Parth Galen! Again, another two potential splits here. The first, (from here on out I’ll refer to as Plot A) which I find rather endearing, is that he goes off with Frodo and Sam when Frodo makes the decision to split. I don’t know that I believe he’d do it, but it proves for a very delightful interpretation of his character.

Plot B is that when the Orcs show up, Faramir survives not by virtue of his being a ~ better warrior ~ or whatever than Boromir, but by the terrain surrounding Parth Galen being something he’s far more in the habit of dealing with, and by virtue of his having a bow at his disposal. I know there’s room for an interpretation of Faramir as not primarily an archer, but narratively I think that’s less interesting. So he’s an archer. He’s an archer and also his priority is on Aragorn first and foremost, so Merry and Pip still get taken, and Frodo and Sam use the hubbub to GTFO, which is actually slightly more in line with the movie’s chronology, funnily enough. The three hunters become four, and then go on Merry & Pippin’s trails.

In Plot A, they’re hauling ass across the Emyn Muil, bolstered in some ways by Faramir’s experience as a Ranger. The problem is the issue of getting into Mordor and whether or not they pick up Gollum. I think, in a way that frustrates me immensely, they do end up taking Gollum, not because they need a guide, but because Gollum fulfils this deep psychological need for Frodo, and I think he would have argued for keeping Gollum regardless. Faramir is going to be fucked off about this, but will ultimately, I think, be deferential to the ringbearer.

So they go across the Dead Marshes, but they do NOT attempt the Black Gate first because Faramir’s not a fool. Do they go to Henneth Annûn? I say yes, but with the caveat that in all likelihood Boromir is gonna be there, which is gonna complicate stuff tremendously.

Over to Plot B!

The four hunters go to the Mark! They meet Éomer! Hey! Éomer recognises Faramir! (And he’s probably a little fucked off that he lost his horse lol). But whatever, he knows this guy, so he’s probably gonna be like, uhhh, everything you saw before in Edoras is much worse now. Also my cousin's dead and everything is bad. Here’s some horses, sorry for maybe accidentally killing your pals, see ya! And at this point I think Faramir’s probably having a, hmmm, g e n t l e  p s y c h i c  c r i s i s, because if he’s still very 👅 for Éowyn (which he is, sorry, he has to be) then he’s going to want to go there ASAP. Obviously though that’s not gonna happen, so: Merry and Pip chasing, Gandalf finding, Edoras arriving.

Which means Éowyn. If, at this point, she and Faramir already have something of an arrangement going on (nudge nudge) then she’s really not gonna give a shit about Aragorn. You know how in TTT it’s not even clear that she actually sees Legolas and Gimli? 100% that vibe with Aragorn too. Théoden’s gonna get his house in order, they’re going to head to Helm’s Deep, and Éowyn’s gonna get named head of house. (Faramir, if he starts off just thinking she’s beautiful, is going to have quite the paradigm shift here, because he’s going to have to start reckoning with her as not just a beautiful woman, but as a very, very intense person. This is how his love for her starts to mature.)

Sometimes I dream about him being like, ‘hey! I have some first hand experience of ruling a kingdom, how about I stay and…….. lend you a hand……..’ to Éowyn while she’s keeping watch on Edoras. This is wildly unlikely, but a delightful thought nonetheless. In the more likely case, which is that he goes to the Hornburg, she’s going to start feeling some strain about this whole war shebang, and it’s going to lead to some difficult conversations. Chief among them is that Faramir, as second son, actually has basically nothing to give her, which is not exactly a great position to be in when you’re in love with the niece of a king. I’m of the opinion that Éowyn’s not fussed by that stuff (she agrees to marry him when he’s prepping to give up a shit ton of power anyways), so she’s probably like, 'no, fuck you, we’re getting married.' And then he leaves, and it starts to emotionally unsettle her more and more.

If they don’t already have a thing, then it either begins at this point OR he gets overshadowed by Aragorn. In either case, off to Helm’s Deep he goes.

Helm’s Deep happens, I think Faramir ends up extraordinarily impressed by how the Rohirrim handle the Dunlenders afterwards, which also begins to soften his harsh opinion of them more generally.

They go to Isengard, Pippin looks in the Palantír, and away Pippin and Gandalf go. Both Gandalf and Faramir here would recognise that it would be batshit insane for Faramir to go back to MT now, because Denethor would read him like a picture book and he’d have to admit to the entire mission of the Fellowship.

Over in Plot A, I think we’re going to have some real emotional complexity vis a vis Faramir showing up at Henneth Annûn with two hobbits, a ring, and Boromir in control there. God, it would just be a disaster. My incredibly generous interpretation of this is that Faramir keeps the plan vague enough that Boromir lets them pass unhindered. My less generous interpretation is… yeah I don’t wanna do it tbh. It’s not pretty. It's also, to be clear: not an indictment of Boromir as a character. His response is entirely rational for someone expected to lead a kingdom and for someone put up against the unbelievable power of the One Ring. The reason Faramir continuously gets to pass largely untempted by the ring is because he's a guy with no actual responsibilities once you take the Rangers away. His understanding of his duty to Gondor is almost entirely conceptual in nature. He can think and talk about defending Gondor as it once was because there are several people above him in the hierarchy defending Gondor for what it is. This is also not an indictment of Faramir. He and Boromir just have wildly different realities to contend with.

They are going to go through Cirith Ungol even though Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass both speak Sindarin and don’t cotton on to what its name implies lol. This whole scene is much shorter because Faramir’s significantly more cautious, so there is no Orc capture and Sam doesn't take the Ring. This is where things get a bit complex, and where I don’t think I have the imagination to say much more. Sorry!

Back in Plot B, the lads catch up with Éowyn as they prep to go down the Paths of the Dead. If she and Faramir are a thing, this is where the real emotional distress kicks in for her. All of the men in her life have, at one point or another, functionally abandoned her, and here’s Faramir, love of her life, about to do the exact same thing. Faramir inevitably goes with the Grey Company even though she begs him not to. When she tries to convince them not to go down the Paths at all, he is in the fortunate enough position to throw up his hands and say 'not my call, actually. King’s in charge,' which lessens the emotional conflict there somewhat.

No part of me doubts that Éowyn wouldn’t then immediately go over his head to Aragorn. She would, she absolutely does not give a fuck. And she’s going to get knocked back re: joining them in exactly the same way as in the book, because Aragorn’s take here isn’t actually dependent on her personally, it’s dependent on the duty she’s been charged with, which is taking care of her people. (Also going to be an interesting narrative parallel to a later conversation between Faramir and Aragorn after the Pelennor, which I’ll explain in more detail later.)

Faramir will, perhaps somewhat less dismissively, say this to her. He learns much more obviously the way to talk to her on her own terms, and he’s not gonna fall into the trap of letting her be like ‘you just want me to wait and die after all the men are dead.’ He’s going to probably give her some line about her being the last organised line of defence, and he might even invoke Haleth! It’s not going to work, because Éowyn’s very aware of the apocalyptic nature of all of this, but it’s not going to cause such abject hatred and fury as it otherwise would.

If she and Faramir are not a thing, her emotional distress is as it is in the book, except now Faramir’s trying not to pout in the background. He might even step in to try and soften the blow.

Regardless, she ends up as Dernhelm, she rides to the Pelennor.

Boromir is the one responsible for the Osgiliath retreat, and because it’s heavily implied that Faramir only keeps his seat because he’s got this dumbass Númenor garbage going on ('master of man and beast' — king Beregond), Boromir’s going to get killed by the Witch king here.

This is going to send shockwaves through not just Denethor, but Minas Tirith more generally, because Boromir is fucking adored. Denethor’s going to go high holy crackers much quicker, mostly because Gandalf is a shit stirrer and is going to waste no time at all in announcing that Aragorn, The Rightful King, is on his way, and Denethor will — correctly — surmise that Faramir has chosen Aragorn over returning with whatever Isildur’s Bane is to Gondor. This is the end for Denethor.

Éowyn rides from Dunharrow, slays the Witch king. Faramir and Aragorn show up with the Army of Dead, Faramir does not end up injured, but does end up as the Steward (obviously) and (obviously) aware that Éowyn is in the HOH. And also that everybody else he loves is dead. Yeehaw.

Here’s where I think things get really interesting. I think, counter to the way this is portrayed a lot of the time, Faramir doesn’t go to the Black Gate at all. I think he stays in Minas Tirith, not just to organise the wider range defences (esp the Rohirrim dealing w the Druadan) but in this very grim preparation to lead the retreat from Minas Tirith if/when Frodo & Sam fail. I think he's kind of fine with this for two reasons. The first is that him being conscious to process the death of his father, and it coming hours after the death of his brother means that he's going to have a personal-political crisis, and he's going to have to take the defence of Gondor more seriously than he did before. Second, Aragorn's going to tell him to fucking stay put, and he's going to be fine with it because it means he's going to get to spend the last few days of his life with Éowyn.

He and Éowyn reunite in the HOH, there’s still a lot of deeply emotional stuff going on, but, at least now Faramir’s conscience is clear re: marrying her because, well, he’s the Steward now. Also their reunion is going to take on greater significance because she’ll have killed the thing that killed his brother. So, that’s a lot.

If they are not a thing before the Pelennor, she's still going to drag his ass over to the HOH so she can bitch about being stuck there. But this time he's not a fellow hospital-prisoner, he's having to actually do things, and he's going to use that to his advantage in terms of keeping her from doing stupid shit. I think he's going to try to involve her in some of the strategic questions re: the retreat if the Morannon feint fails. I think he's going to make a point of talking to her to get her help on dealing with the Rohir forces that are in and around the City. I think that's going to go a huge way to helping to ease her misery, and it's going to be such a significant vote of trust in her (even after she's done the unthinkable and deserted her people) that she's going to fall in love with him here, as per. And the contrast between him and Aragorn is going to be all the stronger for it.

So yes. Those are just some of the possibilities I think! Sorry for the word dump!!

[liquorisce]

decisions, decisions pt 2

Fandom : Bleach 

Pairings : Ichihime (ft. some ichi x ishi bickering which we love around here)

Rating : T

Part 1

A/N: A few months ago I wrote a post-tybw-karakura-gang-finishes-high-school kinda thing called ‘decisions, decisions’  ft career choice discussions and orihime thinking of leaving town for uni. I wanted to write some more of that stuff and more ichihime pining obvs, so here it is. also i hate myself for not being able to participate in ichihimeweek2020, i suck, but anyway, ‘nuff with the nonsense, here’s the fic: 

(ps: pls be nice to me and like/reblog/comment or whatevs and tell me what u think, ily thx)

...

It’s five minutes to two, and Ichigo fought to stifle a yawn. The menacing five hundred pages of English grammar exercises in front of him wasn’t helping. 

“... Unbelievable,” he curses, slamming the book shut, much to the annoyance of his bespectacled classmate sitting across him. “Why the hell can’t they just teach us proper English in school?! I’m absolutely fucking positive that Honda-sensei didn’t mention more than three tenses in her class. And what kind of English lesson takes place in Japanese anyway?!” 

“... Quit your whining, Kurosaki. Some of us are trying to study here.” 

Ichigo fumed. By ‘some of us,’ Ishida was pointedly referring to just himself and the long-haired beauty sitting right opposite him, who, judging by her giggling at his outburst, welcomed his distraction. The same giggling that was contributing to the problem, contributing to Ichigo’s immense distraction since after dinner. 

“You’re not even human, Ishida,” he says dismissively. “Keigo’s literally made his bed on my dad’s couch, you can hear his goddamn snores, and Mizuiro left to ‘watch the stars’ with some new girl thirty minutes ago.” 

“You’re the one who invited us over to your place for an all-nighter group study session and you’re calling it quits before the sun is up? As expected, you’re weak.” 

He was right, this had been Ichigo’s idea, Yuzu had offered to make them dinner and his dad had plans tonight, so they were guaranteed some peace and quiet. Despite the noise and the chaos of their group, he missed hanging out with his friends. Ever since the school had given them voluntary study holidays for the upcoming University Entrance Exams, he didn’t get to see much of everyone, as they were either studying or training for competitions. Even today, Tatsuki and Chad left after dinner because they had to get up early for practice and they had decided they wouldn’t be giving the exams anyway. 

Ignoring Ishida’s pointed attempts to rile him up, he turns his attention to Orihime, who despite enjoying their banter, was more focused on the cram book in front of her.  

“Inoue, how are you still so motivated and so… awake?,” he asks, exasperated. “It’s almost 2 am! And you’ve been scribbling away furiously for the last thirty minutes. What are you even studying?”  

“Mouuu, you’re right. I’m not able to solve this proof anyway. Maybe I should call it a night?”

“Electromagnetism?” Ishida asks, skimming the title of the chapter, “Oh, I’ve done this one, I can explain this to you if you want.”  

He doesn’t know what irritates him more, Ishida’s nerdiness, or the soft look in his eyes as he unfailingly offers to help Orihime out, as he’d been doing a lot more of late, ever since they had started studying for the entrance exams together. In fact, it’d been this way this entire evening, starting from when he took a seat right next to her at the table as if he fucking belonged there, leaning over into her notebook, whenever she needed help, his arm casually brushing against her long, silken locks, her answering smile bright and incredibly close to him, and - Ichigo forces that thought to a halt because it has him gritting his teeth.  “... For God’s sake, give her a break,” - 

“... Shut up, Kurosaki, not everyone is applying to study *English* in University”- 

“And what exactly do you mean by that, asshole?” Ichigo snarls, with more venom than needed, because despite having had enough with Ishida’s condescending attitude towards his study choices, his recent behaviour had Ichigo prickling under his skin.  

“... Err, Kurosaki-kun…” Orihime starts, because she’s used to Ichigo and Ishida arguing (they’re just being affectionate, she always insists), there’s a glint in Ichigo’s eyes that’s different.

“... Exactly what I said, some of us don’t have the luxury of skipping the math and science exams,” - 

“Ah, Kurosaki-kun is right! I think my brain really can’t function anymore tonight,” Orihime declares loudly, inserting herself in between them. “Kurosaki-kun, I think I will leave now. Thank you so much for hosting us today.” She bows, her formality annoying him even more, but still throwing him off guard.

As always, Orihime’s pleasant demeanour diffused the rising tempers… somewhat. With one last glare, Ishida grudgingly agreed, “Then I guess I will take my leave as well.” 

Ichigo wants to be polite and say something like, “we should do this more often,” but he’s pissed off, and couldn’t wait to be rid of Ishida’s arrogant mug, so instead he offers, “Inoue, can I walk you home?” 

He doesn’t notice the faint red on her cheeks or the hesitation on her face, when she mumbles, “If it doesn’t inconvenience you.” And he’s torn again - tearing his eyes away from the pretty blush dusting her cheeks unable to stop himself from wondering bitterly if she’d let Ishida walk her home without much protest.

“Ishida lives in the other direction and it would be out of his way, so I don’t mind.” 

“Well then,” Ishida says, looking at her with more fondness than Ichigo would have liked, “Your eyes are all red and puffy. Sleep well. Don’t strain yourself, okay?”

“Yes sir,” she gives him the salute, “... good night!” 

“... And text me that you got home safe. This idiot can’t be trusted with anything,”- 

“... for fuck’s sake, just go home already!” 

“Kurosaki-kun,” she whispers, amused, as she watches Ishida walk away with a cheeky grin on his face, “you’ll wake the neighbours with your angry yelling.”

“Ah, you’re right,” he mumbles, rubbing his neck sheepishly, as their footsteps fall into place beside each other, “I’m sorry for all the swearing, I don’t know why I let Ishida under my skin so much.”   

“Hmmm,” she says, “It’s kind of cute, your bickering. If this were a yaoi novel, I’d totally ship it!” 

“... what the hell?!” His face is red, not just because the thought of him… and Ishida… Ew. But also because this is coming from Orihime, the last person he’d ever expect to engage in fantasies of this sort.

Giggling, she quickly switches to a more somber note. “You seemed... on edge today. Did something happen between the two of you?” 

He doesn’t know how to answer that question. Truth be told, he’s barely able to understand it himself. Sure, there was the usual trading of insults that took place between the two of them, but it was different this time. His whole demeanour just pissed him off. The way he always seemed to know what Orihime was asking, the way he was always able to help her, the familiar way he spoke to her… and the revelation that they’d been studying together for weeks now! 

“I don’t know,” he sighs, because he can’t even explain what he is feeling, let alone the reason behind it, “... I guess it’s just the stress of the exam.” 

“Ugh, tell me about it,” she whines, “I’m so thankful Ishida-kun is giving the same exams as me, and we can share practice questions and tips. I really wouldn’t be able to do this alone.” 

He ignores her mention of him and the tick in his jaw in reaction. “But I don’t get it. You’re giving almost all the exams. Why?!? There’s surely no need.” 

She blushes, ashamed, “I know it sounds stupid, but I really haven’t decided what I want to study in University. I figured if I just gave all of the exams, I would have more options to choose from.” 

“... Come on,” - 

“... And I will also prefer to go wherever I get a scholarship.”  

His fist clenches, “... So you’re definitely applying outside of Karakura?” 

“Yeah, although I’m not sure if there’s any point. It’s so difficult to aim for the National Universities, I’ll never get through. But the counselor says it’s worth a shot for the scholarship.”

“... I thought your aunt was helping you with tuition?” 

“... Only till high school. And I cannot burden her anymore. I’ve received so much from her already.” 

Ichigo doesn’t miss the way her voice wavers at the end, the guilt evident in her words. And he can’t stand it. “... Cheer up,” he says softly, playfully elbowing her. “You’re one of the smartest kids in school. Rank #2 after all the shit we went through last year! If anyone can do it you can.” 

“... You think so?” she mumbles, looking up at him, her insecurities heartbreaking in the grey of her eyes.  

Everything about her is so honest, it hurts him a little bit because his first thought is to say no, to talk her out of it, because the revelation is too sudden, too jarring - he can’t bear  the thought of this town without her. But he nods, smiles encouragingly, because that’s just way too selfish.

Shaking his head out of these thoughts, he asks, “... what was the counselor’s recommendation, again? As a career path?” 

“Ah, Hirata-san said maybe I should just follow my love for baking,” she says, smiling. 

“... and? Why don’t you consider that? You wouldn’t have to give these blasted exams then.” 

He liked the idea of this, now more than before, momentarily regretting his role in convincing her to apply to university. Orihime working in the local bakery, coming around his house everyday to share the leftovers, staying back for dinner maybe… 

“... but Kurosaki-kun was the one who said I wouldn’t be very good at it!” She pouts, “You said I’d make too many things in weird flavours and nobody would want to buy them.” 

Crap. He truly felt like waltzing back in time and whacking the past version of him for saying something like that.  Because if it were anyone else shitting all over Orihime’s dream, he’d have sent the punk flying. Where were all these feelings coming from anyway?! 

“... Shit, I didn’t mean,” - 

“... it’s okay, you’re right. And besides I can work there part-time through University. I was thinking…” She took a deep breath. “Well, actually, it was Ishida-kun’s idea. Maybe I could study to become a doctor? My strength is in healing people anyway…” 

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Well of course, he'd say that. He's going to study medicine too." And of course he would try to talk Orihime into it. The bastard had taken every opportunity to slither by her side - 

She laughs, a pretty sound, interrupting the profanity in his mind. "Yeah, he did say it would be nice to have some company… but I'm not sure." Sighing, she asks, "How did you decide on English Studies?" 

It wasn't too difficult for him honestly. It helped that he was fairly certain he didn't want to study math or science going forward. "... I like stories. And I want to be able to read and share stories in a global medium, so I decided to study English." 

He looks at her only to find her looking at him in fascination, "... Truth be told, I didn't spend too much time thinking about it. The career aptitude test returned similar results as well, so I just went with it." He shrugs, "I think I'll enjoy it. Let's see." 

"Ahh, you sound so optimistic about your studies, Kurosaki-kun. I wish I could be like that." 

They've reached her apartment building now and she turns to look at him, wistfully. He wishes he could do something for her, ease her anxieties in some way. 

"What about you?" He asks. 

She looks at him, puzzled.  

"... You've told me all about what everyone wants you to do. What do you want to do? I'm sure you must have some inkling." 

“... I,” she stops, opens her mouth again to say something, but nothing comes out. “... what I want… ah, you’ll probably think it’s silly.” She smiles wistfully to herself, because this wasn’t something that she’d ever admitted out loud.

He rolls his eyes, “... Try me.” Because she was many things, and yes, definitely silly sometimes in that unique way of hers, but he would never, could never, call her dreams silly. It’s a moment of realization for him, when he gets angry with the way she dismisses her own dreams that way, and he feels overwhelmed with the desire to pick them up, and keep them safe where no one can trample them, along with that spaced-out, wistful smile of hers. 

“Well,” she gulps, nervous, “I’ve never really thought too much about going to university. Sensei says I’m wasting my potential... but honestly, I think I’ll be happy working.” 

She looks at him unsurely, waiting for a reaction, an opinion, like everyone else. Everyone who’d been urging her to continue school and pursue all kinds of studies that she could possibly do, but… “I just - I want to build a simple life with someone I love. A family, maybe, someday.” 

It comes out so fast, she wishes she could grab the words and shove them back in her mouth. She chances a glance at him, her cheeks hot and furiously embarrassed. 

His expression is unreadable as he gazes down at her. She’s beautiful in the moonlight, he thinks, and it isn’t really a revelation to him, but the melancholy of her beauty is, the loneliness that he wishes he could extinguish as easily as he does hollows. “A simple life huh…” he murmurs. And he can almost picture it, Orihime, ten years from now, a child in her arms, a little boy maybe, with her wide brown eyes and - 

“Well, looks like you have planned it out better than any of us,” he manages hoarsely, unable to look her in the eye anymore. Not with all these… feelings simmering so close to the surface. And before he can help himself, “Do you already know who this mystery man is?” 

He’s come to realize how absolutely unequipped he is to hear the answer, but her unassuming statement has already taken residence inside him somehow, a burning sensation accompanying it. 

 His question jolts her into consciousness, and she notices they’re almost at her apartment. “Ah Kurosaki-kun is very curious today,” she laughs nervously, “only one confession per day! That’s the limit!” The fake cheer in her voice grates in her own ears but she hopes desperately it will steer him away because she’s this close to telling him sometimes, and this was one of those times. Especially in these rare moments when she feels an odd mixture of weakness and greed, where she wants to latch on to him and ask him to stay by her side, hoping selfishly that his kindness will make him say yes. But Orihime was practiced at hiding those feelings away. 

 “Is that right,” he smiles teasingly, albeit weakly, “... I didn’t know you were so mysterious, Inoue. Well goodnight, then.” 

And as he watches her climb up the stairs to her floor, and then lean over the railings to wave goodbye one more time, he can’t help but think of that image of her again, happy and in love and so beautifully fulfilled. And he thinks of the shadow of the man next to her, who will protect that dream and that smile, and his stomach clenches bitterly. 

“You deserve it,” he whispers to her retreating figure, “... You deserve all of it.”

- fin - 

A/N : The ending was cheesy, I KNOW UGH

[usual-day-dreamer]

Let Me Touch Your Fire (Steve Harrington x Henderson!Reader) Chapter Eight

MASTERLIST

Dustin grabbed your arm and harshly pulled you back inside closing the gate.

"Ouch!" You exclaimed touching your arm as you glared at your brother.

"Are you insane!?" He exclaimed "They could've barged in any moment!"

"Jeez! Sorry" you said, "It's just... they are gone" tears fell down again "And it's my fault! I could've done something! Helped them close the door, Steve, he pushed me and Robin, oh Robin I hope she's okay, what if they kill them before we get help? Oh god I don't know what do anymore I just-"

Dustin grabbed your shoulders tightly and shook "Calm down!" he exclaimed not letting go of your shoulders "No one's going to die, you hear me? We'll come up with something! You need to be calm so we can get the shit outta here"

You stared at him speechless "I know you are worried, I am too, but we need to stick together and come up with a plan to save them before it's too late"

You nodded and he finally let you go.

"For now, let's crawl around and find and exit" Dustin started, and Erica followed, with you behind both kids.

Footsteps above you echoed around the vents as you crawled around, trying to keep the tears and negative thoughts away. You could hear Erica and Dustin talking and you tried to listen to their conversation to keep you distracted but it was harder with every passing second.

You found yourselves stuck, Dustin was trying to open a panel to stop the moving fan so you could continue moving, you felt more relaxed now as you heard Dustin talking to Erica about what happened with the Demodogs.

"By 'we' you are including Lucas?" Erica sounded unconvinced and you smiled breathing a little loudly through your nose.

"Of course," Dustin looked at Erica for a moment and went back to the task at hand

"So, all that shit you told me, Lucas was there?"

Dustin nodded

"Really? My brother? Lucas Sinclair?"

"Yes!" Dustin's voice was louder now, your smile widened. You remembered how Lucas was always the most fearful of the group, you guessed that hadn't changed thanks to Erica's doubt, but you believed Dustin, if he said Lucas was there, then Lucas was there.

"I don't believe you" she finally said, and you giggled.

"Wait, so you believe everything about El and the gate, and the Demodogs and the Mind Flayer, but you question your brother's involvement?"

It was hilarious, really, how could Erica believe that sci-fi story and not his brother's involvement was beyond you, but at least it made you laugh while everything else around you seemed to fall apart in chaos.

"That's correct" she said with a nod.

"Makes total sense" to your surprise Dustin agreed, your suspicions were true after all, he was still the same fearful kid as all those years ago.

"Do you need help with that?" you asked, your voice barely audible and a little raspy.

"No" he said, and you shrugged, letting him continue. Erica was having none of that though.

"Well, it's taking a while so-" she said

"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock" Dustin looked annoyed as hell.

"All right, so if we don't find a more efficient method to stop these fans, we are never gonna find help and your ice cream buddies are screwed"

Your breath hitched and you looked at Dustin, fear flooding your eyes, what if she was right? He noticed but said nothing turning his attention to Erica once again.

"Yeah, with that attitude, they are"

"I'm just being realistic. I mean, we've made it about point-three miles in nine hours. Then we had to walk three hours down that tunnel, so I'd estimate ten miles back to the elevator, which should take us approximately twelve-and-a-half days"

Dustin and you exchanged surprised looks and looked back at Erica.

"Did you just do all that in your head?" you said with an incredulous tone.

"I'm good with numbers" she answered.

"Holy shit" Dustin exclaimed "You are nerd"

"What?"

"You... are... a... nerd"

"Okay" Erica said "You better take that back nerd"

"Can't put the truth back in the box" you said with a shrug and a playful smile appeared on your face as she stared at you wide eyed.

"But it's not the truth" she argued.

"Let's examine the facts, shall we?" Dustin said "Fact one: you are a math whiz, apparently"

"That was a pretty straightforward equation"

"Fact number two" Dustin ignored her and continued "You're a political junkie"

You remembered her speech at Scoops, Dustin was right.

"Just because I do not agree with Communism as an ideology-"

"Fact number three: you love My Little Pony" Dustin grabbed Erica's backpack.

"And what does that have to do with this?" she grabbed her backpack and placed it beside her.

"Ah, let's go back to the ponies' last adventure, okay?" You kept silent, eager to see where this conversation was going "The evil centaur team and Tirek turns Applejack into a dragon at Midnight castle, and then Megan and the other ponies have to use Moochick's magic to defeat his rainbow of darkness, saving them from a lifetime of enslavement"

You snickered; Erica's face was priceless.

"All the pink of the world cannot disguise the irrefutable fact that centaurs and castles and dragons and magic are all standard nerd tropes. So, My Little Pony, is, in fact, nerdy and you, Erica, are a nerd"

"And how do you know so much about My Little Pony?" she asked placing her hand under her chin.

"Because, I'm..." Dustin finally grabbed the panel's small door "A nerd" he finished and pulled at the cables making the fan stop completely.

"Let's go, nerd" you moved and looked back at Erica as she glared at Dustin for his comment. You smiled.

"Show off" you whispered at Dustin and he smirked at you, crawling ahead to lead the group once again.

*

Steve groaned as he received another punch. How come every time weird shit happened again, he always got beaten somehow? First Jonathan, then Billy and now some Russian soldier? Just when he thought he had finally won his first fight...

"That one stung" he gasped for air as he looked up again.

"Who do you work for?"

"For the millionth time, I work at Scoops Ahoy!" his voice sounded desperate as he gasped for air, repeating the name of the company that hired him. However, the officer did not seem to believe any word that left his lips.

Another punch, but this time on his stomach. He grunted in pain "What the hell?! Look at my outfit!" he exclaimed, he was out of ideas "Do you think I wear this for fun or something? You think I'm a spy in a sailor's uniform?" Maybe he shouldn't have said the last part, but he didn't care anymore, his head was spinning, and his body and face ached like hell. Another punch, same place, he closed his eyes and grunted.

"How did you get in?"

"I already told you" he said between gaps "My delivery didn't come and my friends and I thought that it was left at the loading dock, so we went in the room, and then it turned into an elevator, and then... and then we dropped and then, next thing we know, I open my eyes, and we're in this... wonderful facility. I swear to God, nobody knows about it, nobody saw us. You could just let us go, all right? We are not gonna tell anyone about this, we promise. Shit happens, life goes on. And, uh... ice- ice cream. Everyone loves ice cream, right? I don't if you have Russian ice cream or if that is considered gelato. But whatever you want, seriously. USS Butterscotch, you gotta try it"

The officer looked at him, he felt those eyes bury into his soul as he finished, almost trembling with fear.

The soldiers in the room laughed with the officer, Steve laughed nervously with them.

Maybe they finally believed him, and now, they were gonna let them go and they'd just forget about this and he'd be able to continue his normal life.

His hopes died when the officer asked again: "Who do you work for?"

He pleaded and the last thing he felt, were hard knuckles against his cheekbone before everything went black.

The soldiers dragged Steve to another room. Throwing him inside.

Two more soldiers were dragging Robin too. She was struggling and screaming, telling them to let her go, but they threw her inside anyway. She landed painfully on her back next to Steve. She quickly sat up, calling Steve's name only to find he was unconscious. She tried to wake him up as the door opened. She looked up; eyes full of anger.

"What did you do to him?" she said.

The officer slapped her across the face, and she fell back again with a grunt. She whimpered as the same soldiers that dragged her inside picked her up again. "Don't touch me!"

They sat her down harshly and she grunted again, her back pressed against Steve's.

"Steve, wake up" she tried again "Steve!"

They tied them up, Robin trashed around trying to break free.

The officer walked towards Steve and pulled his head up by his hair.

"Don't touch him!" she said.

He clicked his tongue and let Steve go; his head fell.

"Steve! Can you hear me?"

He walked around them, "I think your friend need a doctor" his voice thick with a Russian accent, Robin's stomach churned. He stopped in front of her, her angry stare never leaving his frame "Good thing we have the best ones here" The officer laughed and looked at the soldiers, they laughed with him and Robin snapped, spitting across his face.

He pulled out a handkerchief and washed the spit away, glaring daggers at Robin, she glared back.

"You are going to regret that little bitch"

Her eyes filled with tears, but she refused to let them down, breathing heavily as the officer said something in Russian and walked away, the soldiers behind him.

"Bastards" she followed them with her gaze "Let us out of here!" she kept screaming and the door closed loudly, leaving her alone with Steve unconscious against her back.

*

Dustin pulled aside the gate and you stood up looking around. You looked around the room, it was full of the green goo the elevator transported.

The three of you stepped outside and continued to look around. You watched Dustin walk away and walked behind him next to Erica, you smiled as you saw a small red car in front of you.

"Do you even know how to drive?" Erica asked as Dustin grabbed the steering wheel

"How hard can it be? Max did it" Dustin sat inside, ready to drive.

"What the hell Dustin? I'm driving" you said standing next to him, crossing your arms across your chest frowning.

Dustin ignored you completely "Aw, come on" you looked over his shoulder to see that the key was missing, obviously.

"You seriously thought they were going to leave the key there?" Erica said.

"There's gotta be a spare somewhere" Dustin answered looking around the car. Erica sighed and walked away. You watched her look around and decided to help Dustin with the missing key.

"Dustin?"

"Yeah?" he answered, not looking away, he stepped out to keep looking for a key.

"How big did you say the Demogorgon was?"

"Nine feet or so, why?" he turned to look at the table next to the car. Erica did not answer, and you kept looking, Dustin doing the same.

"Found them" Dustin said and you looked up with a smile.

"Great!" you said a frown replacing your smile as you noticed that Erica was missing.

"Erica?" Dustin and you said in unison and jumped when an electric sound answered you. You looked towards Dustin and found Erica holding weapon.

"What the hell is that?" Dustin asked and you tried to steady your heartbeat placing your hand on your chest and closing your eyes, taking deep breaths.

"A deadly weapon" she answered, "Could be useful" She turned it on again and Dustin jumped back in surprise.

Erica had a point.

"For what?" Dustin asked and looked at you.

"We could help our friends" she said.

"Thought you were more realistic than that, nerd"

She rolled her eyes and walked away "We don't even know where they are, and even if we knew, there are probably a million guards there with weapons way deadlier than that"

Erica got inside the car, Dustin followed her as he talked "The best we can do for them is to get out of here and find help"

Dustin had a point too, but what if something bad happens to them while you try to escape?

He sat on the driver’s seat, you cleared your throat and raised an eyebrow, he huffed and gave you keys, making more room for you "Just trust me on this one okay?" he said as you sat down and started the car.

You wanted to trust him, you really did, but your instinct was telling you something else.

*

Steve felt calm, it has been a while since he last felt like that before. He opened his eyes slowly, a hand softly playing with his hair and he hummed, he tried to sit up, but his body ached, he hissed.

"Easy there tiger" a voice said, and he met E/C eyes and a warm smile "Y/N?"

"Come on, dingus" her palm was against his cheek and he leaned into her touch, not really feeling anything. A scream echoed around, you looked away from him and pulled your hand away, standing up, his head fell against the blanket underneath him.

"You have to go" you said, the wind moving your hair around as he watched you.

"What?" he asked, trying to move again, his body didn't respond. You started walking away and he screamed your name.

"Open your eyes Steve" he heard you whisper, and you were gone, the screams got louder, and his head ached.

Robin could hear her screams echoing, her throat was sore, but she kept screaming, hoping someone would come in and saved them.

"Would you stop yelling?" she heard Steve's voice and relaxed immediately. She looked his way and then up at the ceiling.

"Steve! Oh my god" she panted and called his name again. "Are you okay?" she asked when he didn't reply.

"My ears are ringing, and I can't really breathe. My eye feels like it's about to pop out of my skull, but apart from that I'm doing pretty good" his voice was raspy, he really sounded like shit.

"Well, the good news is that they are calling you a doctor" she chuckled, trying to lighten up the somber mood. Steve looked up.

"Is this his workplace? Because I love the vibe" he answered and Robin chuckled again, glad Steve was conscious and joking around with her.

"You see that table over there to your right?" Steve looked at the wrong direction "Your other right" Robin corrected, and Steve looked "You see those scissors?"

"Uh-huh"

"Maybe if we move at the same time, we'll be able to get over there and maybe I can kick the table and knock them into your lap"

"And I could cut the binds" Steve said

"Yeah, and then we'll get out of here"

"Gotcha, we can do that"

"Yeah, I can't believe it! Those morons just left the scissors there" Steve's voice sounded more awake, and even a little happy.

"Total morons" Robin agreed with a laugh "Okay, on the count of three we are gonna hop"

"Okay, okay, I gotcha"

"One, two, three" they moved. Relief washed over them, Robin's plan started smoothly and hopefully will end just like that. They counted together and moved again.

"This is gonna work!" Robin exclaimed, a huge smile on her lips

"We're almost there. Ready?" They counted together again but when they moved the chair slipped and they fell on the floor, both groaned in pain. Robin laughed softly.

"It's okay, it's okay" Steve tried to look at her "Don't cry" Robin giggled louder and Steve frowned "Are you laughing?" he asked

"I'm sorry! I just, I can't believe I'm going to die in a secret Russian base with Steve 'The Hair' Harrington"

"We're not gonna die, we're gonna get out of here, okay?" Steve ignored the nickname and focused instead of thinking about a new plan.

"Do you remember, those school band concerts to gain extra points?" Robin's voice made him stop thinking.

"What?"

"The charity concerts, that's what us band dweebs called them" Robin looked towards Steve, a fond smile on her face as she remember her younger years at school "We organized them every year so the kids that needed extra points would have a chance to pass. You'd always go, with your friends"

Steve kept quiet.

"I played in the band; I'd always watch you take your usual seat every single year. Mister cool... the King of Hawkins himself. Do you even remember me? Or her?" her tone was sad when she finished the sentence and Steve wondered who the other girl was, she was talking about. He kept quiet, guilt spreading through his body.

She chuckled softly "Of course you don't. You were a real asshole, you know that?"

"Yeah, I know"

"But it didn't matter that you were an ass. I was still obsessed with you" she admitted "Us losers, we just wanted to feel accepted, normal..."

"If it makes you feel better, everything that everyone says, what you should or care about, Its total bullshit. But I guess you gotta mess up before to figure things out"

"I hope so" she said "I feel like my whole life has been one big error"

Steve laughed "Yep"

"At least it can't get any more messed up than this" she smiled, maybe if they got out, she'd have a second chance and she'd finally be able to make everything right.

They laughed.

"I wish I had known you before" He said "I'd have passed all my classes and maybe I'd be on my way to college instead of being trapped here"

"And I'd have no idea that a Russian base was underneath this and I'd be slinging ice cream with some other idiot" Both teens chuckled, Robin's eyes stung, and she blinked away the tears.

"It was fun while it lasted"

"It was"

Buzzing sounds filled the room and the door was open again. Steve and Robin looked towards the sound rapidly. The officer looked down at them

"Where were you two going?" his voice sounded almost playful and he clicked his tongue in a scolding manner. The other soldiers placed them up again.

"Try telling the truth this time. That'll make your visit with the doctor less painful" The officer moved the hair out of Steve's eyes and then grabbed his chin. He winced in pain and the officer chuckled, his gaze moved towards the doctor and he nodded. The doctor moved towards them and Steve panicked.

"Wait a second. Hold on" his pleas were ignored again, he looked at the syringe the doctor was holding, his heart racing "What the hell is that thing?"

"It will help you talk" the answer was simple; the doctor grabbed his hair and pulled his head, so his neck was exposed. Steve screamed when he felt the syringe pierce the skin on his neck.

The Russian guys were gone just as fast as they arrived. They have been alone for a few minutes.

"Honestly, I don't feel anything" Steve broke the silence, his tongue touching his lips "Do you?"

"I guess I... I feel fine" Robin answered

"I kinda feel good" Steve admitted, and they laughed.

"Wanna know a secret? I like it too" they continued laughing. The door opened again, and the officer stepped inside with the doctor trailing behind him. Steve's gaze moved between the doctor and the officer.

"Would now be a good time to say that I don't like doctors?" Robin said shaking her head, she watched the doctor place knifes and other materials that were obviously for torture.

"Let's try this again" Steve nodded, "Who do you work for?"

"Scoops" he chuckled "Scoops Ahoy" Robin chuckled too, the officer glared at them.

"How did you find us?"

"By accident"

The officer looked at the doctor and said something in Russian. Robin watched him grab some tweezers. He walked towards Steve and grabbed his fingers. Steve panicked again

"No! Wait!" he screamed.

"There was a code! We heard a code!" Robin's voice made them stop.

"What code?" The officer walked in front of her, she repeated the code and exclaimed how they found the signal with cerebro, a mocking tone and a smile.

"And now people know you are here"

"Who knows?" the officer was angry

"Uhm, Dustin knows and Y/N" Steve said.

"Hey, Steve" he ignored her

"Yeah, Dustin and Y/N Henderson"

"Ugh! Steve"

"Henderson" the officer repeated "Are they brothers? The curly haired boy and an older girl with H/C?"

"Curly haired. Great hair and his sister is just so beautiful" he answered

"Where are they?"

"They're long gone asshole. And they are probably calling Hopper and he's probably calling his cop friends" he laughed "They're gonna come in here and kick your asses back to Russia"

"Is that so?" he said with a smirk

"Yeah" Robin and Steve laughed, the officer and the doctor laughed darkly.

Alarms blared around the facility and everyone looked towards the door. Their laughing stop, the officer looked at Steve and he shrugged his shoulder with a triumphant smile.

Everyone was yelling in Russian outside as the officer walked away. Dustin opened the door and yelled, using the weapon against the doctor. He fell unconscious on the floor. You rushed towards Steve and Robin, starting to untie them.

"Hendersons!" they screamed happily at you. You kept untying them and Dustin quickly helped you "Crazy, I was just talking about you" tears blurred your vision as you met Steve's gaze, his face was a mess, you looked rapidly at Robin and calmed down a little as you noticed she was fine, not a single bruise or cut on her face. Dustin nudged you and you pushed your thoughts aside to help Dustin. You wanted to say something, but the lump in your throat made the task completely impossible, Dustin saw your struggle and talked.

"Get ready to run" he said and pulled the strain harder, breaking it. It fell to the ground and you held your bread.

It was time for step two.

[rainbow-sides]

Skipping School

Summary: Roman gets sick on a day he's supposed to drive his little brother to school. Logan has an...interesting solution.

Pairing: platonic Logince

Word count: 1,357

Warnings: illness, food mention

Notes: Written for a prompt from anonymous! Also, if you want to get told when I upload a fic, follow and turn on notifs for @rainbow-sides-fics. I'm posting on mobile bc I'm lazy so I hope the read-more works, apologies if it doesn't.

______________________________

The clock was ticking down dangerously close to 7:50, and Roman hadn't even emerged from his room yet. Logan had finished his toast already and was completely ready to be driven to school. He would be really angry if his brother made him late to school by deciding to sleep in on the day that their mom was out of state visiting her sister. Tapping his foot impatiently, Logan watched the clock for another minute before springing up, pushing his backpack away on the table, and heading down the short hallway towards Roman's bedroom.

"Are you awake yet?" he demanded, rapping his knuckles curtly against the closed door.

For a moment, there was no answer. Then a groan came from inside. "What?"

"It's almost 7:45!" Logan cried. "You have to drive me to school!"

"Oh my god, how did I sleep through my alarm?!" Roman sounded distraught. "Shit! I'm sorry."

Well, that can't be right. Roman never apologized for inconveniencing his little brother. "I'm coming in," Logan announced, and opened the door.

Roman had sat up in bed, his hair tousled and his eyes very bleary. "I'm sorry," he said again. His voice was hoarse. "I--" A sudden, harsh cough escaped him and he wheezed, trying to breathe. "I'm just not feeling very glittery today," he managed.

Logan wrinkled his nose. "Are you sick?" he asked bluntly. "I'm not getting in a car with you if you're sick. The last thing I need is to be the person who spreads the plague to every kid at school."

"I'll get up and...and put a mask on, or something." Roman coughed again. "And I'll wash my hands, I promise. I don't have the plague, nerd."

"Hm." Logan tilted his head. "Lay back down and go back to sleep."

"How will you get to school?" protested Roman.

Logan was grabbing Roman's phone off his bedside table and unlocking it with the password he had seen him use yesterday. "I won't." The number for the middle school office was saved in his contacts, and Logan pressed the call button.

"Hey--what do you think you're doing?"

In a far too convincing hoarse and congested voice, Logan said, "Ms. Katie? This is Logan Sanders, I think I have to stay home today. No, my mom is out of town...and my brother and I both came down with a cold. I don't want to get anyone else sick...well, I can ask her to call, but she's in California and probably won't be awake for a few more hours. Alright, I'll do that. Thanks." He coughed a few times for good measure before hanging up.

Roman was staring at him. "What."

Suddenly, Logan felt pretty uncomfortable. He hadn't considered that Roman would be mad. Though he was sure their mom would be understanding, skipping school was a bad thing to do. "What?" he replied defensively.

"First of all--" Roman broke off, another coughing fit seizing him. This time, he couldn't seem to get it under control, so Logan ran and got him a glass of water.

"Here," he said.

"Thanks," Roman rasped after having a drink. "First of all, I should be mad, but I'm just impressed by your acting skills. Didn't know you had it in you, Lo."

"Hmph."

Roman put the glass down. "Secondly, are you sure you're okay with this? You're usually so nerdy about your perfect attendance."

"I've already missed a few days this year when I got the stomach flu, so it's not a big deal. And nothing important is happening today. It's just a boring Friday." Logan shrugged. "Besides, I could very well already have whatever you have and I'm just not symptomatic yet. But I could still spread the virus, so it's safer to stay home anyway."

"You're logicking your way into skipping school, Lo." Through his misery about his illness, a hint of a smile broke onto his face. "I'm so proud."

"Shut up," Logan muttered. "Go back to sleep. I'll just work on schoolwork from home and maybe make some soup or something."

"You're so sweeeeet," Roman teased. He grabbed a tissue from his bedside table and sneezed into it. "Ugh."

Logan backed out of the room. "I'll call the high school too and tell them you won't be there today. Don't breathe on me." He shut the door and left Roman to rest, taking advantage of the quiet house to get some math homework done and put on a pot of the chicken noodle soup that their mom would usually be making if either of them were sick. Occasionally, he would hear Roman coughing, but left him alone for most of the morning.

Logan did end up calling their mom when he knew she would be awake and explaining the situation--she assured him that although he shouldn't have lied to the office, he did the right thing in staying home and she would call the school and back him up on his story this one time. She told him to take care of himself, and Roman, and then had to hang up to help her sister with something.

At a little bit after noon, Roman started coughing again after being quiet for a few hours. This particular coughing fit was a bad one. Logan filled a mug with mostly broth from the simmering soup and went to check on him. "Roman?"

"Uh-huh?" Roman didn't stop hacking up his lungs as he answered.

Carefully, Logan entered the room. "Here, have this." He gave Roman the mug.

A blanket was wrapped tightly around Roman's shoulders. His eyes were watery, his nose red. Without saying anything, he took a few sips. He stared straight ahead, seeming quite unhappy.

This is uncomfortable. Logan didn't like having to navigate the icky world of emotions, and Roman looked very emotional. "Are you al--"

"I wish Mom was here." Suddenly, Roman sounded very young. He was seventeen to Logan's twelve, and Logan often had to remind himself that for all Roman's brash attitude, he was still a kid, too. "I just…" He sniffled, his lip trembling as he clutched the warm mug.

"Would you like to call her?" Logan suggested hesitantly.

Roman shook his head. "N-no. I'm fine."

Logan shifted back and forth on his feet. "Can I do anything?" he offered, unsure.

"No, I'm fine, I just…"

"Roman?"

"I just wish Mom was here, okay?" snapped Roman. "'cause I'm pathetic. One stupid cold and I'm crying for my mommy."

"I…" Logan took a step back. "Don't get angry."

"I'm not fu--I'm not angry!" Roman growled. "Go away, okay?"

Logan took a deep breath and held his ground. "I obviously cannot bring Mom home from California immediately, and I understand that it is difficult to be ill when she isn't here to help. But I am doing my best. Do not take your frustration out on me."

Slowly, Roman sat back. "Right. Sorry."

"That must be a record, you apologizing to me twice in one day," Logan said dryly.

Roman half-smiled and didn't reply as he drank more of the soup.

"Anyway, I finished my algebra homework for the next week and a half, so I decided it would be alright to take a break. Would you like to watch something with me?"

"Sure," Roman said. He glanced at his little brother. "You can put on one of those space documentaries you like. I'm too sleepy and out of it to appreciate any shows I'd pick, anyway."

Recognizing the gesture as a peace offering that meant more than any apology, Logan nodded. "Come out to the living room when you're ready. I'll make sure that there are plenty of blankets out for you. And I'll put on some water for lemon and honey tea."

"Gross," Roman said half-heartedly.

"It will help with your cough," Logan insisted.

"I know, I know." There was a brief pause. "Okay, I'll be out in a minute."

Logan nodded. "I'll wait for you," he said, and went out into the living room to pick something to watch that Roman wouldn't hate. He would try, at least. His brother had absolutely no taste.

[noona-clock]

Working On It - Part 3

Genre: Teacher!AU

Pairing: Brian (Day6) x You

By Admin B

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, Oh, yeah, and I love you, Nothing’s Wrong

Of course, the first thing out of Sam’s mouth after you’d arrived home from The Grind had been, “Did he pay for your coffee?”

You’d had to stop yourself from rolling your eyes, and you’d simply answered with, “It wasn’t a date. Get ready for bed.”

Thankfully, he hadn’t brought it up again the next day or over the weekend, and it had now been almost a week since you’d told Brian your somewhat tragic life story over hot, caffeinated beverages.

You were currently on your lunch break at work, trying to pay some bills online while devouring a PB&J. Just after you let out a sigh of relief when the final bill transaction went through (it was payday in a couple of days, so you were severely struggling), you remembered you’d seen a couple of email notifications from Sammy’s school.

You quickly tapped on your mail app, opening the first one you came across.

It only took a few seconds of scanning the message to realize he’d gotten in trouble again. Math class this time. His teacher wanted to meet with you after school - today if that was possible. You let your head hang, squeezing the bridge of your nose with your thumb and index finger.

“What’s wrong?”

You jumped, lifting your head up to see one of the dentists on the other side of the desk. She was dropping off a patient’s file, but she knew you were on your lunch break, so she simply set it off to the side so you could put it away later.

“Oh,” you breathed. “I -- I got another email from Sammy’s school. I have to go meet with one of his teachers again. Is it okay if I leave a little early? I’m so sorry.”

“Y/N, of course, it’s fine,” the dentist assured you with a nod. “I think we only have a couple of appointments this afternoon, anyway.”

You thanked her profusely, promising you wouldn’t keep having to leave early for these parent-teacher conferences.

But then you remembered there had been two emails from the school.

You shifted your gaze back to your phone and clicked on the second one, reading it as quickly as you could.

Instead of making your heart sink, though, this one lifted your spirits. It was from the counselor, and she had just wanted to let you know that she had seen Sammy for the first time today. She wanted to see him twice a week from now on, so you knew that meant he was in need of some serious help.

Of course, he was. The boy had just lost both of his parents at once. Sometimes, when you cried yourself to sleep, it was only because you felt so bad for him. 

He was an annoying pre-teen most of the time, a serious little shit some of the time, but underneath it all, he was a sweet kid. And he was your nephew. He was family. You loved him as much as it was possible to love a kid you didn’t physically give birth to. All you wanted to do was help him, and you felt really good about this counselor. You felt, for the first time in a while, like there was actually hope.

So, at least it wasn’t all bad news coming from school today. That was a small victory you were more than glad to accept.

A few hours later, you found yourself in a time warp. Except, rather than experiencing something which had happened years or even decades ago, you were repeating something which had happened just last week.

You parked at the school, signed in at the front desk, asked the clerk for directions, met Sammy’s teacher, apologized for his behavior, promised he would do better, and...

Well, you just felt completely incompetent. Again. Useless as a parental figure. Again.

You had one hand on Sammy’s shoulder as you walked in the hallway, headed toward the exit. Neither of you had said anything yet; you were still trying to figure out exactly what to say. Apparently, what you’d said last time hadn’t quite worked, although he’d gotten in trouble in math this time - not English.

And speaking of English...

You saw a very familiar figure up ahead, walking toward the two of you, and a smile came to his lips when he realized who you were.

“Br -- Mr. Kang,” you greeted when he got close enough, mustering up the best grin you could at the moment.

“Hey,” he replied. He slowed to a stop in front of you, his hands casually slung in his pockets. And then he nodded toward Sammy. “Hey, Samuel.”

“Hey,” Sammy replied darkly, just barely meeting his eye.

“I really enjoyed the poem you turned in today,” Brian continued. “You did a great job.”

You squeezed Sammy’s shoulder, wanting him to know you were proud of that - even if you were still upset with him.

“Thanks,” Sammy murmured. He then glanced up at you, shrugging your hand off. “I’m gonna go to my locker. I’ll meet you at the car.”

You simply nodded, your eyes following him as he headed off down the hall and turned the corner.

“I guess he’s moved on from disrupting your class to disrupting his math class,” you said softly, though you tried to keep your tone light.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, he’s been a lot better since we talked.”

“That does help, actually. Hopefully, I won’t have to meet with all of his teachers, though. That would be just a little excessive,” you chuckled.

Brian let out a breath of a laugh before his expression turned into one of soft concern. “How are you?”

“Me? Oh, I’m all right,” you replied with a shrug. “Doing what I can. Oh! I got an email from the counselor today. She said she met with him, and she wants to see him two times a week. I’m sure I won’t hear anything about it from Sammy.”

“No, probably not,” Brian chuckled. “I’m glad she got to him so quickly.”

“Seriously, thank you.” You reached out and put a hand on his arm in just the way he had done to you more than once last week. “You truly don’t know how much I appreciate it.”

“Hey, it’s the least I can do. I know I have a lot of students, but I really do care about all of them. I want to help them in any way I can.”

You couldn’t stop a very admiring grin from appearing on your lips, and in the back of your head, you wondered if you were kind of looking at Brian the same way that girl had looked at her manager boyfriend at The Grind last week.

“I sincerely hope there are more teachers out there like you,” you told him, feeling your cheeks get just a bit warm.

Brian quickly looked down at the floor then, shuffling his feet as a bashful smile pulled at his lips. “I just love my job, is all,” he told you with an embarrassed chuckle. And then he changed the subject, his eyebrows raising when he asked, “Can I walk you out to your car?”

You let your hand fall from his arm, moving it to clutch your purse strap a bit awkwardly. “Yeah, sure,” you answered.

Brian turned around, allowing you to lead the way before falling into step next to you.

“So, Sammy really turned in a good poem today?” you asked a bit skeptically.

“He did,” Brian affirmed. “I don’t know what you said to him after our meeting, but whatever it was, it worked. He’s been showing a lot more effort in his work the past few days.”

“Really?” you asked, surprised. “Honestly... all I said was it’s one thing to disrespect me at home, but he can’t disrespect his teachers. It can’t happen anymore.”

“That’s all?”

“Well, I told him I wasn’t good at English, either, and maybe we could get him a tutor. But he said a definite ‘no’ to that. And then he called you kinda cool for a nerdy, old guy.”

“What?!” Brian laughed. “He called me a nerdy, old guy?!”

“Don’t you worry, I got onto him for that,” you grinned. “I said you were definitely not that much older than me, and if he wanted pizza for dinner, he would take it back. And he did. He said we were both very, very young.”

“See? I told you he was a bright boy.”

You felt pure, genuine laughter bubble up in your throat, and you honestly wondered how long it had been since you’d laughed. Really laughed. You and Sammy had some good times - especially when you got him to let you play video games with him - but you still couldn’t quite remember the last time you’d laughed until you cried. Or until your stomach hurt. Or until you couldn’t breathe.

You also wondered how long it would be until you laughed like that again.

Brian opened the door leading to the parking lot when you arrived at the front of the school, and you murmured a soft ‘thanks’ after you waved good-bye to the receptionist at the desk.

“Hopefully, I won’t run into you again like this,” you said when you saw Sam leaning against the passenger side door of your car. “I would very much like to not visit the school again. Unless it’s to chaperone a field trip or something. But it was still nice to see you.”

“It was nice to see you, too,” Brian replied.

You could’ve sworn he purposely slowed his steps, so you did, too. And then he took one giant step forward, enough to get in front of you, and he turned around to face you.

“Do you think -- could I get your phone number?”

Your brow furrowed, and you tilted your head slightly in confusion. “Did I forget to fill it out on the registration form?” you asked, racking your brain to try and remember. I mean, you had only gotten emails from the school so far...

“No,” he answered with a barely detectable grin. “You didn’t forget. I just... didn’t want to text you out of the blue.”

“Ohhhhh, gotcha.”

But... wait - did you really get it? What did he actually mean?

“You want to text me?” you asked, just in case you’d heard him incorrectly.

“If it’s okay with you.”

You honestly had no idea why Sammy’s English teacher would want to text you, but... okay. “I mean, yeah. Why not?”

That barely detectable smile turned into a real one, and Brian turned back around so he could finish walking you to your car.

Once you’d unlocked the doors, Sam wasted no time in scrambling inside, completely ignoring both you and Brian (though, you weren’t surprised).

“Thank you again,” you said a bit softly as Brian opened the door for you.

“You’re welcome,” he nodded, one corner of his lips lifted into a rakish half-smile.

After you sat down, started the car, and buckled your seat belt, you waited for Brian to be safely out of the way before backing up and starting your drive home.

“Why did Mr. Kang walk you out?” Sam asked, his gaze focused on the moving scenery out of his window.

“I dunno,” you shrugged. “Because he’s polite.”

“...What did you talk about?”

“He told me how well you’re doing in his class,” you said, deciding to leave out the part where he’d asked for your number. Sam would totally get the wrong idea.

“...He did?”

“Yep,” you answered casually. “And I’m very proud of you for that. I would love to hear things like that from your math teacher, too.”

Sam simply sighed, and that was the last noise he made until you were pulling into the parking lot in front of your apartment complex.

“I think Mr. Kang likes you,” was the first thing he said to break his silence.

“What?!” you laughed. “What are you talking about?”

“He walked you out to your car. He was smiling at you!”

“So? That’s called being friendly and having manners. You’ve heard of those before, right?” you teased. “Manners?”

“Ha ha, very funny.” Sam waited until the two of you were out of the car before continuing. “He’s into you. First, he asked you out for coffee, and now he’s walking you to your car. I’m telling you, he likes you.”

You pursed your lips and shook your head, letting out a little giggle. “That is not correct,” you said in your best impression of that one Chrish Vine.

Sam let out a dismayed groan. You laughed out loud before stepping over to him and hooking your arm around his neck.

“You love me so much, don’t you?” you beamed.

“No, but Mr. Kang does.”

“Sammy!”

“I mean, I do love you!”

You simply rolled your eyes. Twelve-year-olds have some imagination, huh?

“What do you want for dinner?” you asked as you unlocked the door to your apartment.

“Pizza.”

“What else do you want for dinner?”

“McDonald’s.”

“Spaghetti it is.”

Sam, knowing you were going to tell him this as soon as you closed the door behind you anyway, went straight to the couch and unzipped his bookbag. And while he got started on homework, you got started on dinner.

It had been a long week - and it was only Wednesday - so after Sam had helped you clean up after dinner, you’d proclaimed he could play video games since you had plans to do a face mask and catch up on your favorite sitcom.

“Did you know you’re the best aunt ever?” he’d asked, pointing a finger at you.

“Yes, I did, but it’s nice to hear someone else say it,” you’d replied. And then you’d checked your time on your phone. “You have two and a half hours.”

Sam had immediately scrambled over the back of the couch, grabbed the remote, turned the TV on, and got his video game controller ready.

You had turned toward your bathroom, opened one of the few sheet masks you owned, and got ready to relax.

Now, ten minutes later, you were leaning against your pillow with your head tilted up to keep the mask on, pulling up the latest episode of your TV show. Just after you pressed ‘play,’ though, the sound of a text message coming through on your phone pierced through the air, your screen lighting up with the notification.

You quickly paused the show, lifting your phone up to your face and seeing it was a message from an unfamiliar number. Your brow furrowed as you slid your finger over, waiting to read this mystery message.

Oh! Duh. He’d just told you this afternoon he was going to text you. You’d completely forgotten, but now you were curious all over again.

You typed out a quick reply, even sending an emoji because you were cool and young and hip, just like him.

You were just about to lock your screen after changing his contact name, but you noticed he read your message almost immediately and started typing something within seconds.

Your brow furrowed slightly as you waited, and when his message appeared...

What in the world could he be talking about? You were about to reply with “Okay, I’m listening...” but you saw he had already started typing again.

You held your breath as you stared at the three little dots, an anxious bundle of nerves starting to form in your stomach.

...Oh, wow.

Part 4

[campdnpamerica]

meet the smarties tent!!

hi! i’m brook, im 15, i go by she/her, im pan, i’m queerdaniel on tumblr, and i’m the leader of the smarties tent 🤓! i’m also known as g8er boi when i sport my gay sk8er boi dress and some jean shorts bc confidence! im a hufflepuff, a band nerd, and an aspiring intellectual who’s in way too deep. i’ve been in the phandom for almost 3 years now, and i’ve been a campdnp admin multiple times and am the queen of tent wars, so you all better get ready, because i (and my tent of snorting candy) am ready to have FUN!

Hi!! My name is Layla. My pronouns are she/her or they/them. I'm bi (or smth honestly who knows at this point) and my tumblr handle is monachopism. I'm 17, from Boston, and I'm a makeup artist and musician. I play 5 instruments: Guitar, ukulele, bass, piano, and voice. I've been following Dan and Phil for about 7 years now. I fell out of touch with them for about 2 years until Dan uploaded his coming out video and I fell in love again. I love learning new things and meeting new people. I have a lot of passions; it can be kind of intimidating, but I promise I don't bite. I also have pretty bad ADHD and executive functioning issues so sometimes I won't do stuff/won't reply to things as often as I should, but that doesn't mean I'm not invested or interested!! Anyway, so so excited for this week. I can't wait to get to know everyone!

Hi! I’m Adriana, 19, knows how to read (barely), my pronouns are she/her and i’m bi. I’m from portugal. I’m serpensortiaxx on tumblr and I’m a potterhead (slytherin of course), adirectioner (yes, still) and a few more fandoms, besides phandom. Oh i also love marvel! I’m a math major in college and I love reading, in the moment i’m reading “They both die at the end”. I wear too much black (and I always do this pose taking pictures, I just realise when I was choosing the pic, oops). I have been watching dnp both for a few years now, they are two of my favourites youtubers! (Others are safiya, simsupply and cristine). It’s nice to meet y’all!

hey everyone! i’m hadley (they/she) and my url is starboydjh. beyond writing, dan and phil, playing video games and reading, im a big fan of all things nerdy, like Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Dexter and Star Wars. it works out that im in the smarties tent i guess! I’ve been watching Dan and Phil since 2008 when I found Phil on a weird sketchy Buffy server (that got deleted a month after I made my account lol) I’m a college student studying for my MFA in graphic design at the honors level and my BFA in marketing. I was a competitive irish dancer for 15 years and I’m also a proud vegan! hit me up if you want to talk about true crime, game of thrones discourse, or if you just want a nerdy friend to talk about stuff with

Hi! I'm Inês, my pronouns are she/her, I'm 19 from Portugal. My tumblr is confused-pumpkin.

I love to read, play videogames, listen to music and my dog! In fact, I like him so much that I chose a picture of him instead of myself, but I promise I'm a real person and not a 40 year old man. I'm very hyped for this camp (maybe the sugar on the candy is contributing for this) so let's have fun!!

yooo whaddup my name’s Ming Way :D she/her. i’m 18, i’m from Malaysia and i’m chinese. i’m formlessphan on tumblr. i like drawing and i also read a lot of fan fiction from whatever fandom im currently hyperfixating on. i’m currently in that limbo between college and uni, figuring out which uni to go to and having loads of free time which is hhhhHh Stressful but yay free time. gotta make my asian parents proud yknow sksksks. i’ve been in the phandom for about 4 years since 2015, so i skipped the really really bad stuff but yknow i caught up on cold tea🐸🍵 i went to singapore ii which was the best time of my life and i cried when they sang the ii song cuz i’m a nerd. i play piano, drums and a little guitar(like barely). i’m a big mcu fan and you can catch me crying about endgame any time of the day. nice to meet ya’ll!! <3

Hey you can call me Fin they/them but I don't really care. I'm ace and my Tumblr is @beanfish05 I like to draw, write and read. I can barely play the ukulele and guitar. I was in Hong Kong when dnp were in America and in America when they were in Hong Kong. and I don't know what else to put

I’m Rachel. She/her. I’m 26 from New York. I don’t remember exactly when I started watching Dan and Phil, but I think it was around 2011/2012. I love to read and write. Oh I forgot to add my tumblr is completelyuncreative2.

Hey nerds! My name’s Helen and I’m super stoked to be part of this! This is my second campdnp thing this year and the last one was... chaotic (shoutout to the Fijis), but super fun! I’m 17, I use she/her pronouns, and I’m a proud Hufflepuff. My tumblr url is panicatthechuckecheese (yes, it’s wild, I’m aware). Catch me on there spamming your dash with whatever my current special interest/hyperfixation is. I’ve been a fan of Dan and Phil since late 2014 and I’ve been to both their tours. I’m a massive space and math geek and I’m hoping to work in artificial intelligence some day and potentially become a programmer or astronaut at NASA. Can’t wait to participate in the rest of this week’s events!

[skymoonandstardust]

Peter Parker Falling in Love With You. . .

So you both go to Midtown– and you’re the same age (in this story anyway)

You’ve seen each other around school and across the room cause you have most of the same classes, but you don’t really KNOW each other and you’re not friends. it’s just “Oh yeah, it’s that F/N girl from calculus” and “Right, that’s that Parker kid who’s in my lit class.” BUT THAT’S IT, NOTHING ELSE.

 Until the day Peter realizes he needs tutoring.

Peter Parker is a genius– but he’s better when it comes to science and math then literature, or history And with him spending so much time on this “stark internship” ;)) the boy’s got almost NO time to study for that stuff and it shows.

He needs help and that’s where you come in.

You’re the opposite when it comes to school subjects. You can ace history no problem and love literature to pieces–  but you suck at science and math makes you want to  tear all your hair out, go on a hulk rampage and have a good cry after.

math is your hell… and your grades for it are not just in the toilet, their floating somewhere in the sewer by now.

So, Peter remembers your literature inclined genius and the next day when class is over he walks up to  you (after a pep talk from Ned)

and the Angel boy is just the cutest looking thing ever

“H-hi I’m Parker Peter– I mean Peter Parker! and I was wondering, since you’re great at Literature if we could maybe set up a time and you could tutor me?" 

You have  to keep from smiling at this adorable, cute shy boy!!

In the end the two of you set up to meet after school the next day– and come to an agreement.  You help Peter with lit and history and he helps you with science and math.  

He goes home (after doing some superheroing of course) and tells May about you, your upcoming tutoring session and the rest of his day over dinner.

May 10000% teases him a bit about it and asks questions (the embarrassing kind obviously) AND HE TURNS INTO A BLUSHING SHY AWKWARD MESS BUT STAYS ALL DEFENSIVE AND INSISITING LIKE  "No May, it’s not like that– It’s just a tutoring session. I don’t even know her that well.” “Ok, Peter suuuuuuure.” ;)) followed by a little more teasing and a few more questions before she drops it.

He breathes a sigh if relief.

The Dork obviously starts cleaning his room that night to prep for your tutoring session.

Everything he said to May is true,  but you’re still a girl who’s coming over and the two of you will probably study in his room– and it’s a mess right now and he doesn’t want you to see it like that. That  would be humiliating and embarrassing– plus Aunt May’s been asking him to clean if for a week now so… 

Peter doesn’t finish it all that night but he gets most of it done and rushes to finish the rest of the job the next morning before he’s got to catch the train to school.

He does. Just in time.

The room’s still too nerdy and dorky for his liking and Peter kinda cringes at himself and what you might think or say– At least he got those plastic lightsabres out of sight and took down those lord of the rings posters… but his star wars posters are still on the wall right next to the USS enterprise model on his book case with a couple of star trek figures scattered around it and that leggo deathstar is sitting right there on top of his desk where you can’t miss it.

 but there's no time and he can’t do anything about that now so he grabs his backpack, says bye to May and runs out the door.

  The poor angel boy is a bursting with nerves the entire day and can’t stop thinking about the tutoring session…cause he doesn’t want to scare you off. Peter doesn’t get many opportunities to make new friends and he doesn’t  want this one to be a disaster.

Tries to avoid looking at you the  whole day.

When the  bell rings he’s kind of internally screaming.  

You walk up to him and Peter’s already sweating and a nervous shy wreck…

It takes you asking him two times before he finally answers your question about how the two of you are getting to his place. Peter finally stutters out that you’ve got to take the train and you walk with him to the station.

the walk is AWKWARD– AND THE TRAIN RIDE IS WORSE. I mean, you try to bring up something to talk about and  the conversation lasts for two minutes at the most before awkward silence,  Peter's ever present friend his back.

By the time you get on the train the two of you have kind of stopped trying and just sit there in silence while he listens to music and you look out the window.

The stop finally comes and Peter gets off with you a step behind.

On the few block walk you try talking again, asking him about school and that conversation ends up going better. He starts relaxing, answers without stuttering and even asks you a few questions that keeps the discussion going till you’re walking up to his apartment door.

You come in and May walks up from the living room.

You’re expecting her to greet peter first or say something to him… what you don’t expect is for her to smile and say “You must be Y/N– it’s nice to meet you, I’m May, Peter’s aunt”

You’re slightly startled but you manage to respond and end up saying something like “That’s me, It's nice to meet you too." 

"Thank you. We’ll I’ll let you to get to your tutoring session– and i’ll bring in some snacks for you just in case.”

before you can even answer Peter's ushering you along and saying “Thanks aunt May, we’ll see you later.” and before you can blink you’re in his room.

Ok– a little bit of teasing may have taken place… or a lot— before you cut if off and told him that you liked all that nerdy/dorky stuff too and said that his room was actually cool.

Peter died a bit at that.

After that the two of your start talking about all things star wars, star treck and geeky/nerdy.

Before you know it almost an hours gone by and no studying whatsoever has been done… Not that either of you are complaining. especially not peter–he’s over the moon CAUSE YOU ACTUALLY LIEK THE SAME THINGS AS HIM AND DON"T THINK HIS ROOM HIS WIERD– AND YOU’RE SO NICE AND FUNNY AND LAUGH AT HIS STUPID JOKES. you’re real friend material and he’s already planning on when/how to introduce you to Ned.

 As much as you both want to keep talking  you’ve gotta get to tutoring so you crack open the books and at least try to concentrate and get some work done (but you both throw in as many nerdy, jokes puns and references as possible— and it ends up making it more fun.)

 After working on literature for an hour then switching over to math and working for another hour…you’re tired, it’s getting late and you need to go so you thank them both, tell Peter you’ll see him tomorrow and leave to head home.

Peter is all kinds of happy and doesn’t waste a minute before calling and letting Ned know how well it went. As soon as peter gave him all the details ned gave his full approval and a stamp of permission to let you join the group (which is  really just the two of them) 

That night Peter goes to sleep looking forward to tomorrow, and planning on asking you to sit with him and Ned at lunch.

--he does, without stammering once and when you say yes his heart kind of goes !! and Peter wants to become the ecstatic, happy puppy that he is but plays it cool cause he doesn't want to embarrass you or freak you out.

You walk with them to the cafeteria

Go through the line together and sits down at their usual table 

Michelle's already sitting there and you get no reaction from her. she just looks up at you over her book goes "I'm Michelle" then goes back to reading.

She says and does nothing else for the rest of lunch, and completely ignores all of you.

Meanwhile-- Ned brought up the topic of star wars and so you're all a seat or two away talking excitedly like you're old friends-- even though you're not.

Ned brings up movie night smoothly (cause Peter is hardly ever smooth) "Hey, speaking of star wars-- Peter and I were gonna have a star wars movie night tomorrow after school and if you wanted to, you could come"

You say yes obviously.

Flash forward to the next night with Ned and Peter setting up the movie night and peter panicking a bit (Ned calms  him down)

You show up and all three of you sit on the couch with blankets, eat the pizza may ordered, snack on popcorn and talk, laugh and joke. (there may or may not have been a debate about which movie was the best that almost ended in a lightsabre duel between you and Peter)

You all had so much fun that you coming over for movie night becomes a regular thing.

You and peter tutoring each other becomes a regular thing too.

Every day after class you go over to the parker apartment and you help him with whatever in lit or history is stumping him and Peter helps you try to understand science concepts and math formulas (when it's not movie night that is)

Half the time you guys just end up talking or forgetting about tutoring and goof off (watching movies, showing each other music, meme's or YouTube videos-- he's shown you a lot of them about Spider-Man, that new superhero ;)) )  

Sometimes- most of the time actually Peter's late

You have no idea why

But he is, so you end up hanging out with May and the two of you  become friends.  Really-- she adores you like a daughter.

And when Peter comes home from being Spider-Man to find you and May talking and laughing together at the kitchen table or the couch  his heart goes :) every time

Cause his aunt and his best friend are friends and that's awesome

But then one day Peter come home and like usual you and May are at the table and  you're smiling and just as he walks up you burst out laughing and his heart goes !!!!!!!!

He kind of panics, cause his heart shouldn't be going like that around one of his two his best friends and it's not like he hasn't heard you laugh before (it's the most beautiful sound in case you were wondering) and why is he reacting like this now??

Peter just sneaks back  into his room to think it over long an hard-- which he does, for three hours and finally he has to face facts: sometime during all the tutoring sessions, the movie nights and hanging out together he fell for you hard.   

Thinking back he sees it was happening for a long time in little signs and ways. . .but he didn't even notice till now cause he just refused to and pushed it down so much.

But he's in love---- the angel boy is a goner and he's in deep.

Now he just needs to work up the nerve the tell you. . .

The forevers: @a-sea-of-fandoms  @casownsmyass @imaginethatsupernatural @scarlettsoldier @thatbasicnerd4life @docharleythegeekqueen

Marvel girls: @a-girl-who-loves-disney @l4life  @kenziecole-green @padfootsiriusorionblackthethird

Spiderman: @lets-imagine-fanfics @cutie1365 @l4life @tomxhotland​ @petah-parkah-and-potahtas

[nomtheburritos]

Oh god here goes

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? The last person I dated. 2. Are you outgoing or shy? Depends on the company – shy toward every new person. Outgoing with people I know. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My friends, always! Planning to see some I barely ever get to see this year. 4. Are you easy to get along with? I surely hope so! 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I’m pretty confident that yes. 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? People who are themselves and are confident to be just who they are. I go personality > looks because one is more stationary than the other. If they can make me laugh I’m pretty much already halfway there! 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Not likely. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Nobody. All them girls on my mind! 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Not at all. I’m comfortable with any kind of talks! 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?  My best friend*. 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? Text to dad: “Aaaah dziękuję ❤” (Aaah thank you; he sent me some cash for weekend snacks) 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Heaven by Pvris, Under Stars by Aurora, End With You by Snavs ft. KING, I Love This Life by Kim Cesarion and lastly, HandClap by Fitz And The Tantrums 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Not at all, please refrain from doing it unless you’re my partner but even then I might get uncomfortable. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yes and yes. 15. What good thing happened this summer? It just started so I can’t say yet but I hope to do something fun! 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Mhm. But that is not going to happen anyway. 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Most definitely. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Nope, thank god. 19. Do you like bubble baths? Yep! 20. Do you like your neighbors? I don’t really talk with anyone in my current building but I got plenty of my own Uni friends in the neighborhood so yes I guess? 21. What are you bad habits? Leaving dishes for a while because I’m a lazy fuck. If I’m alone at home for a few days they will pile up while “soaking”… 22. Where would you like to travel? Canada, USA, Brazil, Switzerland, Japan… 23. Do you have trust issues? Big ones. Too many broke my trust way too lightly in the past. I try to deal with it the best I can. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Going to sleep LMAO 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? L E G S. Thanks mum. 26. What do you do when you wake up? Turn around and try to get more sleep. Or feed the cat. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I guess I’m pretty comfortable with myself but I’m pale as a papersheet. I’ll stand next to your bed and you’ll think me of a ghost…someday I’ll get smacked by a pillow I’m telling you. If I had to pick between the two, darker. 28. Who are you most comfortable around? My best friend* and probably my closest uni buds. 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? I…guess so? I don’t know. It’s the past and we’ve accepted that it is what it is and I can’t force someone to feel a certain way about me. Sucks, but life goes on. 30. Do you ever want to get married? If the person survives with me for a longer time and makes me happy, then hell yeah. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? It reaches the lower parts of my back so you bet it’s hell on earth to not have it up most of the time. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Kristen Stewart, Gal Gadot, Floriana Lima. 33. Spell your name with your chin. L,.ou7jhycfdvr6ty (HA. NAILED IT. Now I look like a virus bot) 34. Do you play sports? What sports? I used to! Used to play basketball, badminton and did a year and a half of archery as well. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Loophole! TV, because I already don’t have channels on mine, I rely on my pc and streams 😉 (If this means series vs music then series anyway, life without music would be too sad and quiet) 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Too many times. 37. What do you say during awkward silences? I probably end up doing something stupid like suddenly falling backwards or tripping over or staring blankly into the distance. 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? They’re a person who makes you want to be better, do better – for yourself and for others. Compassionate, caring, knowing their worth. Kind of a person who sees a bee on the concrete and picks it up to a flower, you know? Loving animals, not wanting kids, bonus if they enjoy video games! Rest is up to them, you can’t have good dreams without surprises :D 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? My fave comic store in Old Town, Stockholm. Also all kinds of skate or hipster stores for clothes. 40. What do you want to do after high school? I’m already dying in University. After this? Clinical pharmacy and livin la vida loca in a log cabin with dogs, my cat, and a nice view from the porch that I can enjoy with my nerdy cup of tea. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Most of the time. I want to believe that always, but this doesn’t apply to killing, I suppose. I don’t know, this is a weird case but when it comes to general life, then yes definitely. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I’m probably thinking I did something wrong, or just experienced a conversation that left me pretty shattered. I’m in need of space because of something that made me think a lot and I need to process it my way. 43. Do you smile at strangers? In Sweden that’s considered pretty weird and people will shoot eye daggers at you from time to time. So not often, unless I’m smiled at. I’ve no issues with it 😊 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Trip to outer space!!! 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Must be someone worth getting up for or a trip I’ve planned for a while! Also, likely my cat because he won’t stop yelling at times. 46. What are you paranoid about? That everyone will ultimately leave me and that whatever good they say about me is just politeness. 47. Have you ever been high? Never. 48. Have you ever been drunk? Nope. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? I’m too much of a goodie-two-shoes for this shit. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Charcoal grey. 51. Ever wished you were someone else? Yeah. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? If I could make myself better at math, I’d love to. It’d have saved me a lot of school pain. 53. Favourite makeup brand? Not a kind of question you should ever ask me. 54. Favourite store? Probably the Sci-Fi comic bookstore in Stockholm. 55. Favourite blog? HA there are too many! 56. Favourite colour? Green – Irish green or leaf green to be specific 😊 57. Favourite food? Pizza, Pulled Pork, Pancakes (The P’s!) 58. Last thing you ate? Thai wok with chicken leg fillets and egg noodles in pad thai sauce. 59. First thing you ate this morning? Jam toast. 60. Ever won a competition? For what? Bronze medal in Swedish junior archery championships, as most “recent” which was in 2013 I believe? 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Never. 62. Been arrested? For what? Nope. 63. Ever been in love? Yeah.  64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? Ugh terrible. Got together with this dude in HS, it was a terribly awkward day. Right after talking about it, I just bolted as we both had class and my class was able to sit wherever we wanted to work on group projects. He suddenly turned up from nowhere and kissed me and it was so out of nowhere I was like okay cool why all this slobbery tongue…My two friends nearly fell off their high chairs by jumping up and down – awkward shit I’ll never be able to live down I guess. Not a fan of kissing that person, anyway. 65. Are you hungry right now? Nah just ate! 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? Many on here have been kinder and more accepting of me than most of the people in my life had been. Right now I’d call it pretty even 😊 67. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook. 68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr. 69. Are you watching tv right now? Nah. 70. Names of your bestfriends? I’d love to keep this private for their sake! 71. Craving something? What? Hugs. Yeah.. 72. What colour are your towels? White, Blue, Red...got plenty different ones. Currently white and blue with grey dogs.. hahaha! 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2 big, 2 small so 4 in total! 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Used to 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Currently 2 in this flat. 75. Favourite animal? I’ll say top three; Tigers, dogs and horses 😊 76. What colour is your underwear? Black today xD 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate. 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Any sorbet flavour! 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? White 80. What colour trousers? Grey 81. Favourite tv show? Oh shit only one? The Walking Dead, quickly followed by Game of Thrones. 82. Favourite movie? The Lion King 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean Girls 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean Girls! 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Cady 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Dory 87. First person you talked to today? My best friend* 88. Last person you talked to today? As of now, still her* 89. Name a person you hate? My ex-boyfriend. 90. Name a person you love? All of my friends ❤ And mum! 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Had you asked me this 2 weeks back I’d say my roomie. 92. In a fight with someone? Nah. 93. How many sweatpants do you have? 3 pairs I think. 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? Oh boy, like 5 hoodies and…10 sweaters? It’s Sweden dammit I get to wear t-shirts and tanks 3 months of the year. 95. Last movie you watched? Girltrash: All Night Long 96. Favourite actress? Gal Gadot 97. Favourite actor? Orlando Bloom 98. Do you tan a lot? I live in the country of ice and snow. I barely get to, and it takes me a few days to be a few shades more tan. 99. Have any pets? Two! Odie (Norwegian Forest Cat) and Kiara (Yorkie) :3 100. How are you feeling? Pretty good and well-rested, thank you! 101. Do you type fast? Hell yeah! 102. Do you regret anything from your past? Plenty of things I could’ve executed better. Or been a better friend, better listener or just broken toxic things off quicker. 103. Can you spell well? I certainly hope so! 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? I’m trying to reconcile with people that matter to me, who’re still around just not had good contact with due to Uni and Life™ in general. And I really wish I could’ve gotten more time with my grandpa. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yeah 😃 We camped by a lake and had a big bonfire for like 6h…Was a great night, one of the best days of HS. 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Mine’s usually the one breaking. 107. Have you ever been on a horse? Used to ride for a few years and I’m missing it cuz it was my fave thing to do in life. 108. What should you be doing? Getting dressed proper cuz I’m in PJ’s and freezing. 109. Is something irritating you right now? Not really! Thank fuck... 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? You bet. 111. Do you have trust issues? Repeated question, see 23! 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? I think…my friend Amanda. It’s usually around her, poor sod ❤ 113. What was your childhood nickname? Lucifer (my uncle), Lu (most people), Lucille (my cousin)… 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yeah! 115. Do you play the Wii? Owned one for a few years so used to! 😊 116. Are you listening to music right now? Yeah, PVRIS 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Yes!!! 118. Do you like Chinese food? Love. Would love to try more stuff too! 119. Favourite book? The Fault In Our Stars for single, all Tolkien’s Middle-Earth books as of “series”. 120. Are you afraid of the dark? Not really. Idiot me walks home at 3am when the buses stop going… 121. Are you mean? I hope not! 122. Is cheating ever okay? NEVER! UNDER! ANY! CIRCUMSTANCES! 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Pretty well :D 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Incredible head-over-heels feeling, yes. But I need at least one proper conversation with the person to know if the crush is worth it hahaha! 125. Do you believe in true love? Yes I do. It’s real. 126. Are you currently bored? Not yet! 127. What makes you happy? Being around people who make me happy, hearing that things are going well for my friends and family, being around animals. 128. Would you change your name? I would because the full name I hate, the short one I love. 129. What your zodiac sign? Scorpio! 130. Do you like subway? Sure do, but eat there maybe once a year. 131. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? BAHAHAHA I’ll just leave this response like it is. It won’t happen. 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Repeated question, see 10. 133. Favourite lyrics right now?

I think we were cursed from the start Second I let you into my heart Do you think we were speaking in tongues Or simply not enough? Do you ever wonder Who took the light from our life? The life from our eyes?

134. Can you count to one million? I guess, but I’d fall asleep before that. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? Telling my mum a man knocked my bike over when in reality I wiggled the bike so it lost traction and I ended up face-first in gravel, scraping up my chin, torso, knees and hands. Came home all bloody, barely 6 years old like yo… 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Open, cat wants in. 137. How tall are you? 164 cm / 5’4” 138. Curly or Straight hair? Doesn’t matter. Both look amazing. 139. Brunette or Blonde? Brunette 140. Summer or Winter? Summer 141. Night or Day? Night 142. Favourite month? June or July. 143. Are you a vegetarian? I have cut down my meat consumption but no, I’m not. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? MILK!!

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?  “Gdzie droga prowadzi?” (Where does the road lead?)

– A. Sapkowski; The Witcher, Time of Contempt (Wiedźmin - Czas Pogardy)

Best Friend* = @pratinahat-xiii ;)

[lindafrancois]

“Why Can’t I Lose Weight?” The 10 Uncomfortable Truths Holding You Back

“Why can’t I lose weight, Steve?”

This question breaks my heart every time I hear it. And I hear it multiple times per day from frustrated people like yourself.quite often.

Today, I’m telling you the truth on why weight loss is so tough to achieve. Why “Eat less and move more” sounds nice in theory, but is insulting to those who KNOW this, try their best, and yet the scale just doesn’t budge.

We’ll tackle today’s topic with statistics, science, and plenty of Harry Potter analogies. This is Nerd Fitness after all.

We’ll go over:

Why I hate the nutrition industry.

How much exercise do I need to do to lose weight?

How your metabolism responds to a calorie deficit.

The science of fat loss.

What to eat for weight loss.

Which diet should you pick?

The difference between strength training and exercise.

How strength training assists weight loss.

Small changes for successful weight loss.

Let’s jump in, Scuba Steve style, so you can start seeing results!

WHY THE NUTRITION INDUSTRY MAKES ME SO ANGRY

I took this picture walking around Manhattan last week:

There is some SERIOUS psychological warfare going on here, and it hurts my soul.

For starters, they advertise as “THE” flat belly tea.

This means there are many other companies selling similar products, which would ALSO lead me to believe this is a lucrative product to sell!

They list every fitness buzzword and term every marketer uses when it comes to selling health and fitness: gluten free, “removes waste,” organic, “burn fat,”

Including some real head scratchers.

“Strengthen your colon?”

How the hell do you strengthen your colon?!

This reminds me of the brilliant Saturday Night Live skit about “Colon Blow” cereal:

But I digest digress…

People are buying this stuff, even if they know it probably won’t work.

Like buying a lottery ticket even when we know the odds of winning are 0% –  what we’re really buying is “hope”:

Hope that this will actually work – unlike the last 10 attempts.

Hope we can overcome 20 years of bad choices with a beverage.

Hope that this product will give us the confidence and self love we deserve.

Don’t get me wrong.

“Hope is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies.”

I just HATE when hope gets weaponized to sell you expensive snake oil and pretty-packaged fluff.

This is what we are rebelling against here in the NF Rebellion: marketers and companies who are crappy enough to prey on our hopes and fears and sell snake-oil in a bottle.

We’re also rebelling against that voice in our head that talks down to us, calls us failures for not getting in shape yet, and berates us every time we break down and eat a cookie.

I say no more.

Let’s fight fire with fire science.

How much exercise do I need to do to lose weight?

There are a few generally accepted truths when it comes to weight loss.

All of these are controversial, vary wildly depending on your weight and body fat percentage, and will differ from person to person.

Setting all of that aside, I’m going to try and keep things simple just to prove my point.

Let’s go with an (understandably) oversimplified look at weight loss: a pound of fat equals around 3,500 calories.

This would mean you’ll need to either eat 3,500 less calories, or burn an extra 3,500 calories to lose 1 pound.

So…how long does it take to burn 3,500 additional calories per week? Let me answer a question with another question:

…How many hours do you have?

Studies show you’ll burn an extra 100 calories when walking or running a mile.

So, you would need to be running/walking an additional 5 miles per day, 7 days a week, to lose one pound per week.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time to run an extra 5 miles a day. Nor do I want to.

Not only that, but as you’ll see below – this idea of just burning an extra 500 calories per day to lose a pound a week only works early on.

You’ll quickly run into speed bumps and roadblocks – figurative ones, try to avoid the real ones on your run –  that slow down your progress significantly. Simply put, exercising your way thin has proven time and time again not to work.

Here are three such reports:

Many people develop increased appetites as a result of exercise, which leads to no weight loss. Time Magazine got in trouble for pointing this out  – even though they were right!

This 2011 study came to the conclusion, “In overweight and obese populations… our results show that isolated aerobic exercise is not an effective weight loss therapy.”

Another study compared people who dieted vs people who only exercised: “Body weight decreased by 10% in the diet group and by 9% in the diet–exercise group, but did not decrease in the exercise group or the control group.”

What I’m trying to say, and a lesson we try to deeply understand at Nerd Fitness: “you can’t outrun your fork”

…and the bad news isn’t done.

How our metabolism responds to a caloric deficit (our bodies ruin everything!)

When you start to lose weight, your resting metabolism slows down.

You might think this is some sort of evil sorcery worthy of “He Who Must Not Be Named,” but unfortunately – it’s just 2nd grade math.

When you start to lose weight, there is less of you to ‘manage.’

In other words: your metabolism doesn’t have to work as hard to fuel all of your bodily functions, has less weight to carry, and thus it will burn significantly fewer calories compared to when you were much bigger.

Here is the estimated daily resting calorie burn (“sit on your ass all day”) of a 35-year old male nerd at 3 very different weights:

300 lbs: 2,600 calories.

250 lbs: 2,300 calories.

200 lbs: 2,000 calories.  

WHAT THIS MEANS: Unless you adjust your calorie intake as your weight decreases… your previous calorie intake amount becomes less and less effective at weight loss, until you hit an equilibrium.

Put a different way: this person could eat 2,300 calories per day and over time, lose 50 pounds (from 300 pounds to 250 pounds), but that’s where he’ll hit equilibrium: calories burned equals calories consumed.

In order for him to lose the next 50 pounds, he’ll need to decrease his caloric intake even more, and then STAY at that calorie consumption to keep the weight off.

In economic terms, this is called “diminishing marginal returns.”

And then it gets even worse!

There are buckets of anecdotal evidence of a bodily feature called “adaptive thermogenesis.”

Which has nothing to do with the band Genesis – though feel free to listen to “Invisible Touch” right now:

It might soften the blow while you learn about “adaptive thermogenesis.”

This term refers to the process in which our bodies will adjust based on how many calories we burn – and do whatever it can to preserve the body fat we have.

Our bodies WANT to maintain the extra body fat we have (“I don’t know when I’ll need this, better save”), and are actively working in unison to preserve it – so even after a few pounds are lost from running, it’s going to be a persistent challenge to keep the weight off.

As pointed out in this article above:

“In long-term studies of weight-reduced children and adults, 80%-90% return to their previous weight percentiles, while studies of those successful at sustained weight loss indicate that the maintenance of a reduced degree of body fatness will probably require a lifetime of meticulous attention to energy intake and expenditure.”

This is why so many people can LOSE weight, but can’t seem to keep the weight off.

This is also not even factoring in all of the other issues around our bodies: environmental issues (you can smell Cinnabon minutes before you see it!), psychological challenges, menopause, hormones, depression, anxiety, and other issues.

These things cause our bodies to crave food, to try and store food, and make it tough for us to keep our calorie intake under control, because chocolate cake.

To Recap:

You can’t exercise your way to weight loss.

Your metabolism slows down when you lose weight.

Your environment and food scientists are trying to get you to overeat.

Your body will try to keep its fat stores.

Even when you lose the weight, your body wants to keep the fat it has.

If you lose weight, you have to keep working on it or you’ll put the weight back on.

This is all terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news.

I know, I know.

However, there is HOPE!

And here at Nerd Fitness – and in the Star Wars universe – rebellions are built on hope.

We have thousands of success stories from people who thought they couldn’t lose weight…until they did.

People HAVE lost weight, and kept it off. People who are older, bigger, have more children, less money, more illnesses, and bigger hardships than you.

It’s a constant battle, but one that’s absolutely worth fighting.

And this means that you are not broken. You don’t have metabolic damage. You are not doomed. Sure, you’re flawed. But so are your heroes .

You might be playing life on “Legendary” difficulty, but people like you have succeeded.

It starts by using all of the tools at our disposal, because the forces working against us are doing the same.

Let’s get nerdy.

The Science of Fat Loss

YES, it would be awesome if you could drink a tea, or wrap yourself in plastic, and it would somehow magically make you lose weight or fat.

YUP, it would be amazing if a 30 minute bootcamp class was enough to still allow you to eat junk food all day every day and not gain a pound.

YEAH, it would be amazing if you could take a magic pill that reversed the past decade of damage you’ve done to your body.

It would also be cool if superheroes were real and I could fly.

Well, not like that.

Come on, Aquaman. People can see you.

Anyways!

We live in a world of science, physics, and thermodynamics.

This means we should ALWAYS look at life through the following lenses:

Occam’s Razor: The simplest explanation is PROBABLY the correct one.

Law of energy: Energy can’t be created or destroyed, only transformed.

Reality: If it sounds TOO good to be true, it probably is.

Let’s apply this to our waistlines:

If we are overweight…

It’s not because we have “toxins” in our body that need to be flushed out.

It’s not because we didn’t spend enough time in the “fat-burning” zone during our “muscle confusion” bootcamp.

It’s not because we picked the wrong ‘fat burning’ product tea.

These are all pseudoscience buzz terms to sell products, and have no truth to their claims.

Occam’s Razor dictates the simplest solution is PROBABLY the right one.

So what’s the simple explanation to why we’re overweight?

Every day, we consume food that gets transformed into energy.

This food has three options:

Fuel our bodily functions: fuel our organs, regulate our body temperature, etc.

Pass through as waste: pee and poop.

Get stored as fat: saved for a rainy day.

If we are overweight, we are consuming too much ‘energy’ every day. Our body doesn’t need all of it, so too much is being stored as fat consistently.

Which brings us to the main point of our nutritional focus:

If weight loss is our goal, we must consume FEWER calories than we burn on a consistent basis.

By doing so, our body HAS no choice but to dip into that “rainy day” fund of fat stores to still get all of its bodily tasks done each day.

Do this consistently, and that’s how we end up with a lower number on the scale and a smaller pants size.

“Steve I know I should eat less. It’s doing it consistently that’s the tough part.

Have you tried CAKE?!”

Great point.

And yes, cake is awesome.

But we have to start somewhere.

And it starts here: we need to eat fewer calories, but it ALSO has to be sustainable and enjoyable, otherwise we’ll never stick with it.

And temporary changes produce temporary results. We want permanent weight loss!

Just saying “eat less” doesn’t factor the crazy biological, physiological, and/or emotional challenges we face every day:

We might eat when we’re stressed, depressed, or bored.

We can’t eat just one potato chip without eating an entire bag.

We absentmindedly grab a handful of Peanut M&M’s when visiting Kevin in Accounting.

Not only that, but even when we pay attention to what we eat, studies show that we often underestimate our calorie consumption by 30+%.

Crap. This just keeps getting worse! What’s a smart nerd like you supposed to do in this scenario!?

If we KNOW we overeat without realizing it, and we KNOW restricting calories is tough to stick with long term, then the only path forward is to attack the problem differently.

Not with fit tea.

Nor with body wraps.

Not with “muscle confusion.”

But with science, math, and psychology.

What to Eat For Weight Loss

If weight loss is the goal, we need to shift our food choices to foods that give us more “bang for our buck” – healthy, filling, nutritious foods that fill us up and makes us less likely to overeat calorie-bomb foods.

These foods allow us to feel full, but still keep us under our calorie goal for the day:

Protein like meat, fish, eggs, and so on.  

Fruit like apples, bananas, berries.

Vegetables like broccoli, Brussels sprouts, kale.

Quinoa, legumes, oats, rice, and potatoes (in moderation).

These are foods that take up a lot of space in our stomach and make us feel full.

Compare this to foods that don’t fill us up, but are loaded with calories – thus making it very easy to overeat without realizing it.

High calorie, easy to overeat foods like bread, fries, pasta.

Soda and juices and sugary coffee beverages.

Candy, cookies, crackers, etc.

To really HAMMER this point home…

As we point out in “Can You Burn Fat and Build Muscle at the Same Time?” here’s what 200 calories look like, thanks to WiseGEEK.

Which ones do you think will make you feel full, and which ones will make you eat more than you realize?

                  Can you get yourself to stop after 2/3rds of a bagel or a small handful of pasta?

Of course not!

One more example – here’s 200 calories of broccoli:

“Steve, that is an absurd amount of broccoli.”

Yup. It’s also the SAME number of calories as 2/3rds of a bagel (which doesn’t even include the calories from the cream cheese or butter).

Now, it’s insulting to say “You should eat more broccoli and less bagels. There’s yer problem.”

I’m merely pointing this out to emphasize the difference between energy (calories) and volume.

(Hate broccoli and all vegetables? Read this.)

Depending on what you eat, you could feel “OH SO FULL” after your meal or “Why am I already hungry again? NOM NOM NOM.”

Which means…

If you can start to make even SMALL changes, substituting nutrient-dense, calorically-light foods like protein, fruit, and veggies, for junk food – even occasionally, it’s going to shift the energy balance back in the right direction.

You’ll become more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you burn, moving you beneath your daily equilibrium.

Do that consistently, and you start to pull from those fat stores.

And we end up the holy grail: sustainable, non-miserable weight loss.

This is actually the secret sauce for ALL popular diets these days.

As we point out in our “Perfect Diet” article, all the popular diets get you to eat more REAL food and less junk food. They just all have their own unique marketing spin to sell cookbooks and podcast episodes

Let’s look at each of these diets in a nutshell:

Paleo: cut out grains and dairy. Consume only meat, veggies, fruits, and nuts

Keto: cut out ALL carbs. Consume only meat, veggies, nuts, and fatty sauces.

Intermittent Fasting: cut out an entire MEAL every day.

Mediterranean Diet: focus on REAL foods, with whole grains. Cut out processed foods.

Carnivore Diet: Only eat meat. Remove everything else.

Military Diet: Nevermind. Please don’t do this diet.

ANY of the diets above will result in weight loss if you strictly follow the rules, but not for the reason you’d think.

It’s not because we’re designed to eat like cave people (though we are), or that our bodies function differently on a Ketogenic Diet (it does), or even that fasting has plenty of health benefits (it does!).

Those things are like 2% of the reason why they work for weight loss. [2% is a statistic I made up to emphasize the smaller importance of any ancillary benefit compared to the bigger picture]

The other 98%: they make us more likely than not to consume fewer calories on average than we usually eat, which will lead to weight loss in the long term… if you can stick with it.

And each diet has rules and guidelines that speak to the specifics of individual people. We have our own 10-level system at Nerd Fitness that we’re proud of – it promotes small changes and gets results in a unique way.

WHICH DIET SHOULD I PICK To Lose Weight?

In my opinion, you should only follow a strict diet like those above IF you can see yourself sticking with it consistently for the next 10 years.

“Steve, that’s melodramatic. Come on.”

That’s what I was going for.

If a diet sounds too restrictive to stick with permanently, then it’s too restrictive for you to devote weeks or months of your life to!

After all, temporary changes equal temporary results. You’re better off picking a diet that you confidently feel like you can stick with permanently.

Here’s the end goal we’re working towards:

Sustainable weight loss and weight maintenance.

A healthy weight that you can maintain without feeling miserable. Looking in the mirror and being happy with what you see, and knowing that the weight stays off.

And most importantly, our “normal” behavior that allows us to enjoy life but also reach our goals. Not temporary changes. But permanent small adjustments that adjust over time as we start to see results and build momentum.

Sound good?

Let’s get back to basics and start learning about the food we’re putting into our bodies. Cool? Cool.

A PRIMER ON STRENGTH TRAINING

Conservatively speaking, strength training is the greatest thing ever invented in the history of the galaxy.

Okay, so maybe it’s third after electricity and Nintendo.

But I say this to make a point.

There’s a huge difference between “exercise” and strength training when it comes to body composition.

We cover this in a very in-depth manner in our “Can I Lose Weight and Build Muscle?” article  – which is one giant Harry Potter allegory that you’ll love – but I’ll share the basics right here.

If your goal is consistent, permanent, healthy weight loss and weight management, 80-90% of the battle will be nutrition,

When it comes to exercise, you really only have TWO things to focus on:

What exercise do you love? Good. Do that.

Strength train as often as you have time for.

I’ll touch on the first one quickly.

When you do exercise you love, you’re giving your heart and body a good workout. You’re reminding yourself “I am living healthy” and THUS you should be more likely than not to stick with your healthy eating strategy.

Notice I said “exercise you love.” If you hate running, never run a mile again. Hate going to the gym? Never set foot in one. Hate bootcamps? Me too. Don’t do them.

Instead, go rock climbing, or hiking, or do yoga, or swing dancing, or LARPing. Really, anything that gets you off your ass and moving. Cool? Cool.

How Strength Training Assists Weight Loss

Your body functions differently when you strength train, in all of the right ways.

We have a whole Strength Training 101 sequence that can you get you started, but I’ll whet your appetite with the nerdiest metaphor ever below.

You can find study after study after study that shows you the benefits of strength training for weight management when combined with “calorie restriction.”

Let me explain it here quickly, borrowing from Harry Potter: (You know, the wizard.) At the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, when each student arrives they put on the “Sorting Hat,” an actual hat that determines which House (group) that child will join for his time at Hogwarts. The hat acts almost like a traffic director: “Harry, you will go to Gryffindor! Draco, you will go to Slytherin!”

Your body operates in a VERY similar fashion: every day, it receives new calories (when you eat), and it needs to decide what to do with them! For example: You eat a large Hawaiian pizza and 20 ounces of Mountain Dew. Your body has to do SOMETHING with all those calories.

To keep things simple, let’s look at the 3 most common results.

It’ll sort those calories into one of three Houses:

A: Burn for Fuel. B: Rebuild Muscle. C: Store as Fat.

Your body sorts most of those calories into “Burn for Fuel.” There’s a number of calories your body burns each day just existing: to keep your liver functioning, your heart pumping, your brain operating, and so on – it burns a good chunk of calories just keeping the lights on.

Here are two quick examples:

A 6’, 34-year old male weighing 250 pounds burns 2,300 calories a day just by existing.

A 5’5”, 40-year old female weighing 140 pounds burns 1,350 calories a day just by existing.

Now, if you don’t do any exercise, and you consume MORE calories than the rate you burn each day, the “Sorting Hat” in your body needs to put those calories somewhere! Where do you think it’ll sort them? “C: Store as Fat.”

However, your body’s sorting behavior changes when you strength train. Specifically, when you train in a way that really challenges your muscles. This is completely relative to where you are at in your life right now:

HEAVY weight training might be a 500 lb deadlift or a 5 pound dumbbell curl.

INTENSE bodyweight training might be a handstand push-up or a knee push-up.

When you strength train – by picking up something heavy – your muscles are “broken down” during the exercise itself, and then they rebuild themselves stronger over the next 24-48 hours. Guess what happens during those 24-48 hours? Your body will divert as many calories as possible to “Rebuild Muscle!”

It also diverts additional calories to “Burn as Fuel” to handle this increased “muscle rebuilding” activity.

Which means two amazing things:

Your metabolism is revved up for this time period, burning more calories than normal.

Rebuilding muscle is a calorie taxing activity!

There are significantly fewer calories available for “Store as Fat.”

AND IT GETS BETTER. When you consume fewer calories than your body burns each day, continuing to strength train will cause your body to get even more clever. Let’s imagine a scenario where you’re eating fewer calories than you burn every day:

You strength train regularly, and your muscles break down and need to be rebuilt.

You don’t consume enough calories compared to how many calories your body needs to both rebuild muscle and fuel itself…

So does your body just shut down?

NOPE!

Your body has been preparing for this, by storing any excess calories over the years in the “Store as Fat” house.

This is the moment your body has been saving up for.

This means your body can pull from “Store as Fat” to make sure all the work still gets done, including your daily functions as a human, and rebuilding the muscle. This is the trifecta of physical transformation victory:

You get stronger and keep the muscle you have.

You burn through the fat you’re trying to get rid of.

You’re decreasing your body fat percent and keeping your muscle = look good naked.

This would be a “win-win-win” according to Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin Scranton.

BACK TO BASICS: How To Guarantee Successful Weight Loss

If you’re still reading, then there is hope for you yet.

You can do this – but you have to be smart and diligent about it! Stop trying to exercise your way thin, and stop trying to find ‘get fit quick’ solutions.

Instead, take this one day at a time. We’re here for you!

We talk about proper nutrition in our big “Healthy Eaters” guide, and we go more in-depth into the specific foods that we recommend, but it starts here:

You have to eat fewer calories than you eat now to lose weight, and do so permanently.

The best way to do that is to substitute more protein and veggies onto your plate.

Strength training will supercharge your results, building muscle and burning extra fat.

Understand you’re overeating, and forgive yourself for doing so – most foods have been designed for you to overeat!

YOUR MISSIONS, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT THEM:

#1) Pledge to stop buying snake oil. If you’re not sure, ask yourself “Does this sound too good to be true?” and “What would Steve do?”

In addition: stop doing exercises you hate just to lose weight. Pick exercises you enjoy, and put all of your focus on slowly adjusting your nutrition instead!

Shun the Dark Side and come back to the Light!

#2) Be deliberate in your decisions. Every calorie counts. Every decision counts. So make ONE different decision as a result of you being more aware of what you put in your body.

Drinking water instead of soda or juice.

Swapping out a salad for fries once per week. It all counts, but make your decision deliberate.

You’re a smart person. You know what foods should be daily staples, and what foods should be occasional treats. It all counts. So make ONE decision differently to prove to yourself that you can change.

#3) Educate yourself on the serving size of ONE food that you eat regularly. Google it. Find out if what you THINK is a serving and what’s actually in a serving is anywhere close to accurate.

You might be surprised to find out:

A serving of pasta is HALF the size of what you normally eat with your meal.

How much peanut butter is considered a serving (hint: it ain’t much).

There are 2.5 servings in that one bottle of Green Machine Naked Juice.

I don’t want you to change the food or the portions yet. I just want you to educate yourself on what you’re eating, and compare it to how much you thought you were eating.

#4) Do a strength training routine! We have 15 free circuit training routines and our Beginner Bodyweight Routine is super popular. We also have a whole Strength 101 article series that gets you from “newbie to barbell” quickly.

While we’re hurtling down this rabbit hole of nutrition, calories, food, and happiness, I’d love you to leave a comment below:

“What is the biggest question you have around nutrition, strength training, and weight loss?”

-Steve

PS: I know this article covers a LOT, and my hope with it is to inspire, educate, and get you fired up. However, you might still be super overwhelmed and lost. I get it!

If that sounds like you, and you’re looking for professional guidance, custom strength training routines just for your situation, and expert accountability, check out our 1-on-1 Online Coaching Program!

Schedule your free call and tell us your story! We’d love to hear from you, and we can decide together if we’re a good fit for each other! Simply click the image below for more details:

###

Photo source: A good Sunday to you, Can I have your bicycle, Speed!, Swimming pool, Pizza lab, Dinner is set, Happy monday!, Speed.

“Why Can’t I Lose Weight?” The 10 Uncomfortable Truths Holding You Back published first on https://dietariouspage.tumblr.com/

[johnclapperne]

“Why Can’t I Lose Weight? Here’s the Truth.”

“Steve, why is it so dang tough to lose weight?”

This is the question that has consumed my brain for the past decade of running Nerd Fitness.

“Just eat less and move more” is nice in theory…

But it comes across as an insult to people who KNOW this, who try their best, and yet the scale just doesn’t budge.

As a business owner in the health and fitness industry – who also happens to hate the health and fitness industry – I get to see both sides:

A society full of people desperately trying to do the right thing and feel better about themselves.

An industry designed to prey on insecurities, make you feel terrible, and take your money. Results? Probably not.

Companies that try to razzle dazzle you with “exciting, new, and innovative” when “boring, time-tested, old school” is what actually works!

Today, we’re gonna deep dive – Scuba Steve style – into nutrition and why it’s so tough to lose weight, and what you can start to do about it.

WHY THE NUTRITION INDUSTRY MAKES ME SO ANGRY

I took this picture walking around Manhattan last week:

There is some SERIOUS, psychological warfare going on here, and it hurts my soul.

For starters, they advertise as “THE” flat belly tea.

This means there are many other companies selling similar products, which would ALSO lead me to believe this is a lucrative product to sell!

They list every fitness buzzword and term every marketer uses when it comes to selling health and fitness: gluten free, “removes waste,” organic, “burn fat,”

Including some real head scratchers.

“Strengthen your colon?”

How the hell do you strengthen your colon?!

This reminds me of the brilliant Saturday Night Live skit about “Colon Blow” cereal:

But I digest digress…

People are buying this stuff, even if they know it probably won’t work.

Like buying a lottery ticket even when we know the odds of winning are 0% –  what we’re really buying is “hope”:

Hope that this will actually work – unlike the last 10 attempts.

Hope we can overcome 20 years of bad choices with a beverage.

Hope that this product will give us the confidence and self love we deserve.

Don’t get me wrong.

“Hope is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies.”

I just HATE when hope gets weaponized to sell you expensive snake oil and pretty-packaged fluff.

This is what we are rebelling against here in the NF Rebellion: marketers and companies who are crappy enough to prey on our hopes and fears and sell snake-oil in a bottle.

We’re also rebelling against that voice in our head that talks down to us, calls us failures for not getting in shape yet, and berates us every time we break down and eat a cookie.

I say no more.

Let’s fight fire with fire science.

WHY CAN’T I EXERCISE MY WAY THIN?

There are a few generally accepted truths when it comes to weight loss.

All of these are controversial, vary wildly depending on your weight and body fat percentage, and will differ from person to person.

Setting all of that aside, I’m going to try and keep things simple just to prove my point.

Let’s go with an (understandably) oversimplified look at weight loss: a pound of fat equals around 3,500 calories.

This would mean you’ll need to either eat 3,500 less calories, or burn an extra 3,500 calories to lose 1 pound.

So…how long does it take to burn 3,500 additional calories per week? Let me answer a question with another question:

…How many hours do you have?

Studies show you’ll burn an extra 100 calories when walking or running a mile.

So, you would need to be running/walking an additional 5 miles per day, 7 days a week, to lose one pound per week.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time to run an extra 5 miles a day. Nor do I want to.

Not only that, but as you’ll see below – this idea of just burning an extra 500 calories per day to lose a pound a week only works early on.

You’ll quickly run into speed bumps and roadblocks – figurative ones, try to avoid the real ones on your run –  that slow down your progress significantly. Simply put, exercising your way thin has proven time and time again not to work:

Many people develop increased appetites as a result of exercise, which leads to no weight loss. Time Magazine got in trouble for pointing this out  – even though they were right!

This 2011 study came to the conclusion, “In overweight and obese populations… our results show that isolated aerobic exercise is not an effective weight loss therapy.”

Another study compared people who dieted vs people who only exercised: “Body weight decreased by 10% in the diet group and by 9% in the diet–exercise group, but did not decrease in the exercise group or the control group.”

What I’m trying to say, and a lesson we try to deeply understand at Nerd Fitness: “you can’t outrun your fork”

…and the bad news isn’t done.

OUR BODIES RUIN EVERYTHING!

When you start to lose weight, your resting metabolism slows down.

You might think this is some sort of evil sorcery worthy of “He Who Must Not Be Named,” but unfortunately – it’s just 2nd grade math.

When you start to lose weight, there is less of you to ‘manage.’

In other words: your metabolism doesn’t have to work as hard to fuel all of your bodily functions, has less weight to carry, and thus it will burn significantly fewer calories compared to when you were much bigger.

Here is the daily resting calorie burn (“sit on your ass all day”) of a 35-year old male nerd at 3 very different weights:

300 lbs: 2,600 calories.

250 lbs: 2,300 calories.

200 lbs: 2,000 calories.  

WHAT THIS MEANS: Unless you adjust your calorie intake as your weight decreases… your previous calorie intake amount becomes less and less effective at weight loss, until you hit an equilibrium.

Put a different way: this person could eat 2,300 calories per day and over time, lose 50 pounds (from 300 pounds to 250 pounds), but that’s where he’ll hit equilibrium: calories burned equals calories consumed.

In order for him to lose the next 50 pounds, he’ll need to decrease his caloric intake even more, and then STAY at that calorie consumption to keep the weight off.

In economic terms, this is called “diminishing marginal returns.”

And then it gets even worse!

There are buckets of anecdotal evidence of a bodily feature called “adaptive thermogenesis.”

Which has nothing to do with the band Genesis – though feel free to listen to “Invisible Touch” right now:

It might soften the blow while you learn about “adaptive thermogenesis.”

This term refers to the process in which our bodies will adjust based on how many calories we burn – and do whatever it can to preserve the body fat we have.

Our bodies WANT to maintain the extra body fat we have (“I don’t know when I’ll need this, better save”), and are actively working in unison to preserve it – so even after a few pounds are lost from running, it’s going to be a persistent challenge to keep the weight off.

As pointed out in this article above:

“In long-term studies of weight-reduced children and adults, 80%-90% return to their previous weight percentiles, while studies of those successful at sustained weight loss indicate that the maintenance of a reduced degree of body fatness will probably require a lifetime of meticulous attention to energy intake and expenditure.”

This is why so many people can LOSE weight, but can’t seem to keep the weight off.

To Recap:

You can’t exercise your way to weight loss.

Your metabolism slows down when you lose weight.

Your body will try to keep its fat stores.

Even when you lose the weight, your body wants to keep the fat it has.

If you lose weight, you have to keep working on it or you’ll put the weight back on.

This is all terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news.

I know, I know.

However, there is HOPE!

And here at Nerd Fitness – and in the Star Wars universe – rebellions are built on hope.

We have thousands of success stories from people who thought they couldn’t lose weight…until they did.

People HAVE lost weight, and kept it off. People who are older, bigger, have more children, less money, more illnesses, and bigger hardships than you.

It’s a constant battle, but one that’s absolutely worth fighting.

And this means that you are not broken. You don’t have metabolic damage. You are not doomed. Sure, you’re flawed. But so are your heroes .

You might be playing life on “Legendary” difficulty, but people like you have succeeded.

It starts by using all of the tools at our disposal, because the forces working against us are doing the same.

Let’s get nerdy.

SCIENCE IS THE BEST. EMBRACE IT

YES, it would be awesome if you could drink a tea, or wrap yourself in plastic, and it would somehow magically make you lose weight or fat.

YUP, it would be amazing if a 30 minute bootcamp class was enough to still allow you to eat junk food all day every day and not gain a pound.

YEAH, it would be amazing if you could take a magic pill that reversed the past decade of damage you’ve done to your body.

It would also be cool if superheroes were real and I could fly.

Well, not like that.

Come on, Aquaman. People can see you.

Anyways!

We live in a world of science, physics, and thermodynamics.

This means we should ALWAYS look at life through the following lenses:

Occam’s Razor: The simplest explanation is PROBABLY the correct one.

Law of energy: Energy can’t be created or destroyed, only transformed.

Reality: If it sounds TOO good to be true, it probably is.

Let’s apply this to our waistlines:

If we are overweight…

It’s not because we have “toxins” in our body that need to be flushed out.

It’s not because we didn’t spend enough time in the “fat-burning” zone during our “muscle confusion” bootcamp.

It’s not because we picked the wrong ‘fat burning’ product tea.

These are all pseudoscience buzz terms to sell products, and have no truth to their claims.

Occam’s Razor dictates the simplest solution is PROBABLY the right one.

So what’s the simple explanation to why we’re overweight?

Every day, we consume food that gets transformed into energy.

This food must either:

Fuel our bodily functions: fuel our organs, regulate our body temperature, etc.

Pass through as waste: pee and poop.

Get stored as fat: saved for a rainy day.

If we are overweight, we are consuming too much ‘energy’ every day. Our body doesn’t need all of it, so too much is being stored as fat consistently.

Which brings us to the main point of our nutritional focus:

If weight loss is our goal, we must consume FEWER calories than we burn on a consistent basis.

By doing so, our body HAS no choice but to dip into that “rainy day” fund of fat stores to still get all of its bodily tasks done each day.

Do this consistently, and that’s how we end up with a lower number on the scale and a smaller pants size.

“Steve I know I should eat less. It’s doing it consistently that’s the tough part.

Have you tried CAKE?!”

Great point.

And yes, cake is awesome.

But we have to start somewhere.

And it starts here: we need to eat fewer calories, but it ALSO has to be sustainable and enjoyable, otherwise we’ll never stick with it.

And temporary changes produce temporary results. We want permanent weight loss!

Just saying “eat less” doesn’t factor the crazy biological, physiological, and/or emotional challenges we face every day:

We might eat when we’re stressed, depressed, or bored.

We can’t eat just one potato chip without eating an entire bag.

We absentmindedly grab a handful of Peanut M&M’s when visiting Kevin in Accounting.

Not only that, but even when we pay attention to what we eat, studies show that we often underestimate our calorie consumption by 30+%.

Crap. This just keeps getting worse! What’s a smart nerd like you supposed to do in this scenario!?

If we KNOW we overeat without realizing it, and we KNOW restricting calories is tough to stick with long term, then the only path forward is to attack the problem differently.

Not with fit tea.

Nor with body wraps.

Not with “muscle confusion.”

But with science, math, and psychology.

CHOOSE YOUR FOOD WISELY

If weight loss is the goal, we need to shift our food choices to foods that give us more “bang for our buck” – healthy, filling, nutritious foods that fill us up and makes us less likely to overeat calorie-bomb foods.

These foods allow us to feel full, but still keep us under our calorie goal for the day:

Protein like meat, fish, eggs, and so on.  

Fruit like apples, bananas, berries.

Vegetables like broccoli, Brussels sprouts, kale.

Quinoa, legumes, oats, rice, and potatoes (in moderation).

These are foods that take up a lot of space in our stomach and make us feel full.

Compare this to foods that don’t fill us up, but are loaded with calories – thus making it very easy to overeat without realizing it.

High calorie, easy to overeat foods like bread, fries, pasta.

Soda and juices and sugary coffee beverages.

Candy, cookies, crackers, etc.

To really HAMMER this point home…

As we point out in “Can You Burn Fat and Build Muscle at the Same Time?” Here’s what 200 calories look like, thanks to WiseGEEK.

Which ones do you think will make you feel full, and which ones will make you eat more than you realize?

Can you get yourself to stop after 2/3rds of a bagel or a small handful of pasta?

Of course not!

One more example – here’s 200 calories of broccoli:

“Steve, that is an absurd amount of Broccoli.”

Yup. It’s also the SAME number of calories as 2/3rds of a bagel (which doesn’t even include the calories from the cream cheese or butter).

Now, it’s insulting to say “You should eat more broccoli and less bagels. There’s yer problem.”

I’m merely pointing this out to emphasize the difference between energy (calories) and volume.

(Hate broccoli and all vegetables? Read this.)

Depending on what you eat, you could feel “OH SO FULL” after your meal or “Why am I already hungry again? NOM NOM NOM.”

Which means…

If you can start to make even SMALL changes, substituting nutrient-dense, calorically-light foods like protein, fruit, and veggies, for junk food – even occasionally, it’s going to shift the energy balance back in the right direction.

You’ll become more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you burn, moving you beneath your daily equilibrium.

Do that consistently, and you start to pull from those fat stores.

And we end up the holy grail: sustainable, non-miserable weight loss.

This is actually the secret sauce for ALL popular diets these days.

As we point out in our “Perfect Diet” article, all the popular diets get you to eat more REAL food and less junk food. They just all have their own unique marketing spin to sell cookbooks and podcast episodes

Let’s look at each of these diets in a nutshell:

Paleo: cut out grains and dairy. Consume only meat, veggies, fruits, and nuts

Keto: cut out ALL carbs. Consume only meat, veggies, nuts, and fatty sauces.

Intermittent Fasting: cut out an entire MEAL every day.

Mediterranean Diet: focus on REAL foods, with whole grains. Cut out processed foods.

http://bit.ly/2Ss1rdI

[albertcaldwellne]

“Why Can’t I Lose Weight? Here’s the Truth.”

“Steve, why is it so dang tough to lose weight?”

This is the question that has consumed my brain for the past decade of running Nerd Fitness.

“Just eat less and move more” is nice in theory…

But it comes across as an insult to people who KNOW this, who try their best, and yet the scale just doesn’t budge.

As a business owner in the health and fitness industry – who also happens to hate the health and fitness industry – I get to see both sides:

A society full of people desperately trying to do the right thing and feel better about themselves.

An industry designed to prey on insecurities, make you feel terrible, and take your money. Results? Probably not.

Companies that try to razzle dazzle you with “exciting, new, and innovative” when “boring, time-tested, old school” is what actually works!

Today, we’re gonna deep dive – Scuba Steve style – into nutrition and why it’s so tough to lose weight, and what you can start to do about it.

WHY THE NUTRITION INDUSTRY MAKES ME SO ANGRY

I took this picture walking around Manhattan last week:

There is some SERIOUS, psychological warfare going on here, and it hurts my soul.

For starters, they advertise as “THE” flat belly tea.

This means there are many other companies selling similar products, which would ALSO lead me to believe this is a lucrative product to sell!

They list every fitness buzzword and term every marketer uses when it comes to selling health and fitness: gluten free, “removes waste,” organic, “burn fat,”

Including some real head scratchers.

“Strengthen your colon?”

How the hell do you strengthen your colon?!

This reminds me of the brilliant Saturday Night Live skit about “Colon Blow” cereal:

But I digest digress…

People are buying this stuff, even if they know it probably won’t work.

Like buying a lottery ticket even when we know the odds of winning are 0% –  what we’re really buying is “hope”:

Hope that this will actually work – unlike the last 10 attempts.

Hope we can overcome 20 years of bad choices with a beverage.

Hope that this product will give us the confidence and self love we deserve.

Don’t get me wrong.

“Hope is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies.”

I just HATE when hope gets weaponized to sell you expensive snake oil and pretty-packaged fluff.

This is what we are rebelling against here in the NF Rebellion: marketers and companies who are crappy enough to prey on our hopes and fears and sell snake-oil in a bottle.

We’re also rebelling against that voice in our head that talks down to us, calls us failures for not getting in shape yet, and berates us every time we break down and eat a cookie.

I say no more.

Let’s fight fire with fire science.

WHY CAN’T I EXERCISE MY WAY THIN?

There are a few generally accepted truths when it comes to weight loss.

All of these are controversial, vary wildly depending on your weight and body fat percentage, and will differ from person to person.

Setting all of that aside, I’m going to try and keep things simple just to prove my point.

Let’s go with an (understandably) oversimplified look at weight loss: a pound of fat equals around 3,500 calories.

This would mean you’ll need to either eat 3,500 less calories, or burn an extra 3,500 calories to lose 1 pound.

So…how long does it take to burn 3,500 additional calories per week? Let me answer a question with another question:

…How many hours do you have?

Studies show you’ll burn an extra 100 calories when walking or running a mile.

So, you would need to be running/walking an additional 5 miles per day, 7 days a week, to lose one pound per week.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time to run an extra 5 miles a day. Nor do I want to.

Not only that, but as you’ll see below – this idea of just burning an extra 500 calories per day to lose a pound a week only works early on.

You’ll quickly run into speed bumps and roadblocks – figurative ones, try to avoid the real ones on your run –  that slow down your progress significantly. Simply put, exercising your way thin has proven time and time again not to work:

Many people develop increased appetites as a result of exercise, which leads to no weight loss. Time Magazine got in trouble for pointing this out  – even though they were right!

This 2011 study came to the conclusion, “In overweight and obese populations… our results show that isolated aerobic exercise is not an effective weight loss therapy.”

Another study compared people who dieted vs people who only exercised: “Body weight decreased by 10% in the diet group and by 9% in the diet–exercise group, but did not decrease in the exercise group or the control group.”

What I’m trying to say, and a lesson we try to deeply understand at Nerd Fitness: “you can’t outrun your fork”

…and the bad news isn’t done.

OUR BODIES RUIN EVERYTHING!

When you start to lose weight, your resting metabolism slows down.

You might think this is some sort of evil sorcery worthy of “He Who Must Not Be Named,” but unfortunately – it’s just 2nd grade math.

When you start to lose weight, there is less of you to ‘manage.’

In other words: your metabolism doesn’t have to work as hard to fuel all of your bodily functions, has less weight to carry, and thus it will burn significantly fewer calories compared to when you were much bigger.

Here is the daily resting calorie burn (“sit on your ass all day”) of a 35-year old male nerd at 3 very different weights:

300 lbs: 2,600 calories.

250 lbs: 2,300 calories.

200 lbs: 2,000 calories.  

WHAT THIS MEANS: Unless you adjust your calorie intake as your weight decreases… your previous calorie intake amount becomes less and less effective at weight loss, until you hit an equilibrium.

Put a different way: this person could eat 2,300 calories per day and over time, lose 50 pounds (from 300 pounds to 250 pounds), but that’s where he’ll hit equilibrium: calories burned equals calories consumed.

In order for him to lose the next 50 pounds, he’ll need to decrease his caloric intake even more, and then STAY at that calorie consumption to keep the weight off.

In economic terms, this is called “diminishing marginal returns.”

And then it gets even worse!

There are buckets of anecdotal evidence of a bodily feature called “adaptive thermogenesis.”

Which has nothing to do with the band Genesis – though feel free to listen to “Invisible Touch” right now:

It might soften the blow while you learn about “adaptive thermogenesis.”

This term refers to the process in which our bodies will adjust based on how many calories we burn – and do whatever it can to preserve the body fat we have.

Our bodies WANT to maintain the extra body fat we have (“I don’t know when I’ll need this, better save”), and are actively working in unison to preserve it – so even after a few pounds are lost from running, it’s going to be a persistent challenge to keep the weight off.

As pointed out in this article above:

“In long-term studies of weight-reduced children and adults, 80%-90% return to their previous weight percentiles, while studies of those successful at sustained weight loss indicate that the maintenance of a reduced degree of body fatness will probably require a lifetime of meticulous attention to energy intake and expenditure.”

This is why so many people can LOSE weight, but can’t seem to keep the weight off.

To Recap:

You can’t exercise your way to weight loss.

Your metabolism slows down when you lose weight.

Your body will try to keep its fat stores.

Even when you lose the weight, your body wants to keep the fat it has.

If you lose weight, you have to keep working on it or you’ll put the weight back on.

This is all terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news.

I know, I know.

However, there is HOPE!

And here at Nerd Fitness – and in the Star Wars universe – rebellions are built on hope.

We have thousands of success stories from people who thought they couldn’t lose weight…until they did.

People HAVE lost weight, and kept it off. People who are older, bigger, have more children, less money, more illnesses, and bigger hardships than you.

It’s a constant battle, but one that’s absolutely worth fighting.

And this means that you are not broken. You don’t have metabolic damage. You are not doomed. Sure, you’re flawed. But so are your heroes .

You might be playing life on “Legendary” difficulty, but people like you have succeeded.

It starts by using all of the tools at our disposal, because the forces working against us are doing the same.

Let’s get nerdy.

SCIENCE IS THE BEST. EMBRACE IT

YES, it would be awesome if you could drink a tea, or wrap yourself in plastic, and it would somehow magically make you lose weight or fat.

YUP, it would be amazing if a 30 minute bootcamp class was enough to still allow you to eat junk food all day every day and not gain a pound.

YEAH, it would be amazing if you could take a magic pill that reversed the past decade of damage you’ve done to your body.

It would also be cool if superheroes were real and I could fly.

Well, not like that.

Come on, Aquaman. People can see you.

Anyways!

We live in a world of science, physics, and thermodynamics.

This means we should ALWAYS look at life through the following lenses:

Occam’s Razor: The simplest explanation is PROBABLY the correct one.

Law of energy: Energy can’t be created or destroyed, only transformed.

Reality: If it sounds TOO good to be true, it probably is.

Let’s apply this to our waistlines:

If we are overweight…

It’s not because we have “toxins” in our body that need to be flushed out.

It’s not because we didn’t spend enough time in the “fat-burning” zone during our “muscle confusion” bootcamp.

It’s not because we picked the wrong ‘fat burning’ product tea.

These are all pseudoscience buzz terms to sell products, and have no truth to their claims.

Occam’s Razor dictates the simplest solution is PROBABLY the right one.

So what’s the simple explanation to why we’re overweight?

Every day, we consume food that gets transformed into energy.

This food must either:

Fuel our bodily functions: fuel our organs, regulate our body temperature, etc.

Pass through as waste: pee and poop.

Get stored as fat: saved for a rainy day.

If we are overweight, we are consuming too much ‘energy’ every day. Our body doesn’t need all of it, so too much is being stored as fat consistently.

Which brings us to the main point of our nutritional focus:

If weight loss is our goal, we must consume FEWER calories than we burn on a consistent basis.

By doing so, our body HAS no choice but to dip into that “rainy day” fund of fat stores to still get all of its bodily tasks done each day.

Do this consistently, and that’s how we end up with a lower number on the scale and a smaller pants size.

“Steve I know I should eat less. It’s doing it consistently that’s the tough part.

Have you tried CAKE?!”

Great point.

And yes, cake is awesome.

But we have to start somewhere.

And it starts here: we need to eat fewer calories, but it ALSO has to be sustainable and enjoyable, otherwise we’ll never stick with it.

And temporary changes produce temporary results. We want permanent weight loss!

Just saying “eat less” doesn’t factor the crazy biological, physiological, and/or emotional challenges we face every day:

We might eat when we’re stressed, depressed, or bored.

We can’t eat just one potato chip without eating an entire bag.

We absentmindedly grab a handful of Peanut M&M’s when visiting Kevin in Accounting.

Not only that, but even when we pay attention to what we eat, studies show that we often underestimate our calorie consumption by 30+%.

Crap. This just keeps getting worse! What’s a smart nerd like you supposed to do in this scenario!?

If we KNOW we overeat without realizing it, and we KNOW restricting calories is tough to stick with long term, then the only path forward is to attack the problem differently.

Not with fit tea.

Nor with body wraps.

Not with “muscle confusion.”

But with science, math, and psychology.

CHOOSE YOUR FOOD WISELY

If weight loss is the goal, we need to shift our food choices to foods that give us more “bang for our buck” – healthy, filling, nutritious foods that fill us up and makes us less likely to overeat calorie-bomb foods.

These foods allow us to feel full, but still keep us under our calorie goal for the day:

Protein like meat, fish, eggs, and so on.  

Fruit like apples, bananas, berries.

Vegetables like broccoli, Brussels sprouts, kale.

Quinoa, legumes, oats, rice, and potatoes (in moderation).

These are foods that take up a lot of space in our stomach and make us feel full.

Compare this to foods that don’t fill us up, but are loaded with calories – thus making it very easy to overeat without realizing it.

High calorie, easy to overeat foods like bread, fries, pasta.

Soda and juices and sugary coffee beverages.

Candy, cookies, crackers, etc.

To really HAMMER this point home…

As we point out in “Can You Burn Fat and Build Muscle at the Same Time?” Here’s what 200 calories look like, thanks to WiseGEEK.

Which ones do you think will make you feel full, and which ones will make you eat more than you realize?

Can you get yourself to stop after 2/3rds of a bagel or a small handful of pasta?

Of course not!

One more example – here’s 200 calories of broccoli:

“Steve, that is an absurd amount of Broccoli.”

Yup. It’s also the SAME number of calories as 2/3rds of a bagel (which doesn’t even include the calories from the cream cheese or butter).

Now, it’s insulting to say “You should eat more broccoli and less bagels. There’s yer problem.”

I’m merely pointing this out to emphasize the difference between energy (calories) and volume.

(Hate broccoli and all vegetables? Read this.)

Depending on what you eat, you could feel “OH SO FULL” after your meal or “Why am I already hungry again? NOM NOM NOM.”

Which means…

If you can start to make even SMALL changes, substituting nutrient-dense, calorically-light foods like protein, fruit, and veggies, for junk food – even occasionally, it’s going to shift the energy balance back in the right direction.

You’ll become more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you burn, moving you beneath your daily equilibrium.

Do that consistently, and you start to pull from those fat stores.

And we end up the holy grail: sustainable, non-miserable weight loss.

This is actually the secret sauce for ALL popular diets these days.

As we point out in our “Perfect Diet” article, all the popular diets get you to eat more REAL food and less junk food. They just all have their own unique marketing spin to sell cookbooks and podcast episodes

Let’s look at each of these diets in a nutshell:

Paleo: cut out grains and dairy. Consume only meat, veggies, fruits, and nuts

Keto: cut out ALL carbs. Consume only meat, veggies, nuts, and fatty sauces.

Intermittent Fasting: cut out an entire MEAL every day.

Mediterranean Diet: focus on REAL foods, with whole grains. Cut out processed foods.

http://bit.ly/2Ss1rdI

[ruthellisneda]

“Why Can’t I Lose Weight? Here’s the Truth.”

“Steve, why is it so dang tough to lose weight?”

This is the question that has consumed my brain for the past decade of running Nerd Fitness.

“Just eat less and move more” is nice in theory…

But it comes across as an insult to people who KNOW this, who try their best, and yet the scale just doesn’t budge.

As a business owner in the health and fitness industry – who also happens to hate the health and fitness industry – I get to see both sides:

A society full of people desperately trying to do the right thing and feel better about themselves.

An industry designed to prey on insecurities, make you feel terrible, and take your money. Results? Probably not.

Companies that try to razzle dazzle you with “exciting, new, and innovative” when “boring, time-tested, old school” is what actually works!

Today, we’re gonna deep dive – Scuba Steve style – into nutrition and why it’s so tough to lose weight, and what you can start to do about it.

WHY THE NUTRITION INDUSTRY MAKES ME SO ANGRY

I took this picture walking around Manhattan last week:

There is some SERIOUS, psychological warfare going on here, and it hurts my soul.

For starters, they advertise as “THE” flat belly tea.

This means there are many other companies selling similar products, which would ALSO lead me to believe this is a lucrative product to sell!

They list every fitness buzzword and term every marketer uses when it comes to selling health and fitness: gluten free, “removes waste,” organic, “burn fat,”

Including some real head scratchers.

“Strengthen your colon?”

How the hell do you strengthen your colon?!

This reminds me of the brilliant Saturday Night Live skit about “Colon Blow” cereal:

But I digest digress…

People are buying this stuff, even if they know it probably won’t work.

Like buying a lottery ticket even when we know the odds of winning are 0% –  what we’re really buying is “hope”:

Hope that this will actually work – unlike the last 10 attempts.

Hope we can overcome 20 years of bad choices with a beverage.

Hope that this product will give us the confidence and self love we deserve.

Don’t get me wrong.

“Hope is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies.”

I just HATE when hope gets weaponized to sell you expensive snake oil and pretty-packaged fluff.

This is what we are rebelling against here in the NF Rebellion: marketers and companies who are crappy enough to prey on our hopes and fears and sell snake-oil in a bottle.

We’re also rebelling against that voice in our head that talks down to us, calls us failures for not getting in shape yet, and berates us every time we break down and eat a cookie.

I say no more.

Let’s fight fire with fire science.

WHY CAN’T I EXERCISE MY WAY THIN?

There are a few generally accepted truths when it comes to weight loss.

All of these are controversial, vary wildly depending on your weight and body fat percentage, and will differ from person to person.

Setting all of that aside, I’m going to try and keep things simple just to prove my point.

Let’s go with an (understandably) oversimplified look at weight loss: a pound of fat equals around 3,500 calories.

This would mean you’ll need to either eat 3,500 less calories, or burn an extra 3,500 calories to lose 1 pound.

So…how long does it take to burn 3,500 additional calories per week? Let me answer a question with another question:

…How many hours do you have?

Studies show you’ll burn an extra 100 calories when walking or running a mile.

So, you would need to be running/walking an additional 5 miles per day, 7 days a week, to lose one pound per week.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time to run an extra 5 miles a day. Nor do I want to.

Not only that, but as you’ll see below – this idea of just burning an extra 500 calories per day to lose a pound a week only works early on.

You’ll quickly run into speed bumps and roadblocks – figurative ones, try to avoid the real ones on your run –  that slow down your progress significantly. Simply put, exercising your way thin has proven time and time again not to work:

Many people develop increased appetites as a result of exercise, which leads to no weight loss. Time Magazine got in trouble for pointing this out  – even though they were right!

This 2011 study came to the conclusion, “In overweight and obese populations… our results show that isolated aerobic exercise is not an effective weight loss therapy.”

Another study compared people who dieted vs people who only exercised: “Body weight decreased by 10% in the diet group and by 9% in the diet–exercise group, but did not decrease in the exercise group or the control group.”

What I’m trying to say, and a lesson we try to deeply understand at Nerd Fitness: “you can’t outrun your fork”

…and the bad news isn’t done.

OUR BODIES RUIN EVERYTHING!

When you start to lose weight, your resting metabolism slows down.

You might think this is some sort of evil sorcery worthy of “He Who Must Not Be Named,” but unfortunately – it’s just 2nd grade math.

When you start to lose weight, there is less of you to ‘manage.’

In other words: your metabolism doesn’t have to work as hard to fuel all of your bodily functions, has less weight to carry, and thus it will burn significantly fewer calories compared to when you were much bigger.

Here is the daily resting calorie burn (“sit on your ass all day”) of a 35-year old male nerd at 3 very different weights:

300 lbs: 2,600 calories.

250 lbs: 2,300 calories.

200 lbs: 2,000 calories.  

WHAT THIS MEANS: Unless you adjust your calorie intake as your weight decreases… your previous calorie intake amount becomes less and less effective at weight loss, until you hit an equilibrium.

Put a different way: this person could eat 2,300 calories per day and over time, lose 50 pounds (from 300 pounds to 250 pounds), but that’s where he’ll hit equilibrium: calories burned equals calories consumed.

In order for him to lose the next 50 pounds, he’ll need to decrease his caloric intake even more, and then STAY at that calorie consumption to keep the weight off.

In economic terms, this is called “diminishing marginal returns.”

And then it gets even worse!

There are buckets of anecdotal evidence of a bodily feature called “adaptive thermogenesis.”

Which has nothing to do with the band Genesis – though feel free to listen to “Invisible Touch” right now:

It might soften the blow while you learn about “adaptive thermogenesis.”

This term refers to the process in which our bodies will adjust based on how many calories we burn – and do whatever it can to preserve the body fat we have.

Our bodies WANT to maintain the extra body fat we have (“I don’t know when I’ll need this, better save”), and are actively working in unison to preserve it – so even after a few pounds are lost from running, it’s going to be a persistent challenge to keep the weight off.

As pointed out in this article above:

“In long-term studies of weight-reduced children and adults, 80%-90% return to their previous weight percentiles, while studies of those successful at sustained weight loss indicate that the maintenance of a reduced degree of body fatness will probably require a lifetime of meticulous attention to energy intake and expenditure.”

This is why so many people can LOSE weight, but can’t seem to keep the weight off.

To Recap:

You can’t exercise your way to weight loss.

Your metabolism slows down when you lose weight.

Your body will try to keep its fat stores.

Even when you lose the weight, your body wants to keep the fat it has.

If you lose weight, you have to keep working on it or you’ll put the weight back on.

This is all terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news.

I know, I know.

However, there is HOPE!

And here at Nerd Fitness – and in the Star Wars universe – rebellions are built on hope.

We have thousands of success stories from people who thought they couldn’t lose weight…until they did.

People HAVE lost weight, and kept it off. People who are older, bigger, have more children, less money, more illnesses, and bigger hardships than you.

It’s a constant battle, but one that’s absolutely worth fighting.

And this means that you are not broken. You don’t have metabolic damage. You are not doomed. Sure, you’re flawed. But so are your heroes .

You might be playing life on “Legendary” difficulty, but people like you have succeeded.

It starts by using all of the tools at our disposal, because the forces working against us are doing the same.

Let’s get nerdy.

SCIENCE IS THE BEST. EMBRACE IT

YES, it would be awesome if you could drink a tea, or wrap yourself in plastic, and it would somehow magically make you lose weight or fat.

YUP, it would be amazing if a 30 minute bootcamp class was enough to still allow you to eat junk food all day every day and not gain a pound.

YEAH, it would be amazing if you could take a magic pill that reversed the past decade of damage you’ve done to your body.

It would also be cool if superheroes were real and I could fly.

Well, not like that.

Come on, Aquaman. People can see you.

Anyways!

We live in a world of science, physics, and thermodynamics.

This means we should ALWAYS look at life through the following lenses:

Occam’s Razor: The simplest explanation is PROBABLY the correct one.

Law of energy: Energy can’t be created or destroyed, only transformed.

Reality: If it sounds TOO good to be true, it probably is.

Let’s apply this to our waistlines:

If we are overweight…

It’s not because we have “toxins” in our body that need to be flushed out.

It’s not because we didn’t spend enough time in the “fat-burning” zone during our “muscle confusion” bootcamp.

It’s not because we picked the wrong ‘fat burning’ product tea.

These are all pseudoscience buzz terms to sell products, and have no truth to their claims.

Occam’s Razor dictates the simplest solution is PROBABLY the right one.

So what’s the simple explanation to why we’re overweight?

Every day, we consume food that gets transformed into energy.

This food must either:

Fuel our bodily functions: fuel our organs, regulate our body temperature, etc.

Pass through as waste: pee and poop.

Get stored as fat: saved for a rainy day.

If we are overweight, we are consuming too much ‘energy’ every day. Our body doesn’t need all of it, so too much is being stored as fat consistently.

Which brings us to the main point of our nutritional focus:

If weight loss is our goal, we must consume FEWER calories than we burn on a consistent basis.

By doing so, our body HAS no choice but to dip into that “rainy day” fund of fat stores to still get all of its bodily tasks done each day.

Do this consistently, and that’s how we end up with a lower number on the scale and a smaller pants size.

“Steve I know I should eat less. It’s doing it consistently that’s the tough part.

Have you tried CAKE?!”

Great point.

And yes, cake is awesome.

But we have to start somewhere.

And it starts here: we need to eat fewer calories, but it ALSO has to be sustainable and enjoyable, otherwise we’ll never stick with it.

And temporary changes produce temporary results. We want permanent weight loss!

Just saying “eat less” doesn’t factor the crazy biological, physiological, and/or emotional challenges we face every day:

We might eat when we’re stressed, depressed, or bored.

We can’t eat just one potato chip without eating an entire bag.

We absentmindedly grab a handful of Peanut M&M’s when visiting Kevin in Accounting.

Not only that, but even when we pay attention to what we eat, studies show that we often underestimate our calorie consumption by 30+%.

Crap. This just keeps getting worse! What’s a smart nerd like you supposed to do in this scenario!?

If we KNOW we overeat without realizing it, and we KNOW restricting calories is tough to stick with long term, then the only path forward is to attack the problem differently.

Not with fit tea.

Nor with body wraps.

Not with “muscle confusion.”

But with science, math, and psychology.

CHOOSE YOUR FOOD WISELY

If weight loss is the goal, we need to shift our food choices to foods that give us more “bang for our buck” – healthy, filling, nutritious foods that fill us up and makes us less likely to overeat calorie-bomb foods.

These foods allow us to feel full, but still keep us under our calorie goal for the day:

Protein like meat, fish, eggs, and so on.  

Fruit like apples, bananas, berries.

Vegetables like broccoli, Brussels sprouts, kale.

Quinoa, legumes, oats, rice, and potatoes (in moderation).

These are foods that take up a lot of space in our stomach and make us feel full.

Compare this to foods that don’t fill us up, but are loaded with calories – thus making it very easy to overeat without realizing it.

High calorie, easy to overeat foods like bread, fries, pasta.

Soda and juices and sugary coffee beverages.

Candy, cookies, crackers, etc.

To really HAMMER this point home…

As we point out in “Can You Burn Fat and Build Muscle at the Same Time?” Here’s what 200 calories look like, thanks to WiseGEEK.

Which ones do you think will make you feel full, and which ones will make you eat more than you realize?

Can you get yourself to stop after 2/3rds of a bagel or a small handful of pasta?

Of course not!

One more example – here’s 200 calories of broccoli:

“Steve, that is an absurd amount of Broccoli.”

Yup. It’s also the SAME number of calories as 2/3rds of a bagel (which doesn’t even include the calories from the cream cheese or butter).

Now, it’s insulting to say “You should eat more broccoli and less bagels. There’s yer problem.”

I’m merely pointing this out to emphasize the difference between energy (calories) and volume.

(Hate broccoli and all vegetables? Read this.)

Depending on what you eat, you could feel “OH SO FULL” after your meal or “Why am I already hungry again? NOM NOM NOM.”

Which means…

If you can start to make even SMALL changes, substituting nutrient-dense, calorically-light foods like protein, fruit, and veggies, for junk food – even occasionally, it’s going to shift the energy balance back in the right direction.

You’ll become more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you burn, moving you beneath your daily equilibrium.

Do that consistently, and you start to pull from those fat stores.

And we end up the holy grail: sustainable, non-miserable weight loss.

This is actually the secret sauce for ALL popular diets these days.

As we point out in our “Perfect Diet” article, all the popular diets get you to eat more REAL food and less junk food. They just all have their own unique marketing spin to sell cookbooks and podcast episodes

Let’s look at each of these diets in a nutshell:

Paleo: cut out grains and dairy. Consume only meat, veggies, fruits, and nuts

Keto: cut out ALL carbs. Consume only meat, veggies, nuts, and fatty sauces.

Intermittent Fasting: cut out an entire MEAL every day.

Mediterranean Diet: focus on REAL foods, with whole grains. Cut out processed foods.

http://bit.ly/2Ss1rdI

[neilmillerne]

“Why Can’t I Lose Weight? Here’s the Truth.”

“Steve, why is it so dang tough to lose weight?”

This is the question that has consumed my brain for the past decade of running Nerd Fitness.

“Just eat less and move more” is nice in theory…

But it comes across as an insult to people who KNOW this, who try their best, and yet the scale just doesn’t budge.

As a business owner in the health and fitness industry – who also happens to hate the health and fitness industry – I get to see both sides:

A society full of people desperately trying to do the right thing and feel better about themselves.

An industry designed to prey on insecurities, make you feel terrible, and take your money. Results? Probably not.

Companies that try to razzle dazzle you with “exciting, new, and innovative” when “boring, time-tested, old school” is what actually works!

Today, we’re gonna deep dive – Scuba Steve style – into nutrition and why it’s so tough to lose weight, and what you can start to do about it.

WHY THE NUTRITION INDUSTRY MAKES ME SO ANGRY

I took this picture walking around Manhattan last week:

There is some SERIOUS, psychological warfare going on here, and it hurts my soul.

For starters, they advertise as “THE” flat belly tea.

This means there are many other companies selling similar products, which would ALSO lead me to believe this is a lucrative product to sell!

They list every fitness buzzword and term every marketer uses when it comes to selling health and fitness: gluten free, “removes waste,” organic, “burn fat,”

Including some real head scratchers.

“Strengthen your colon?”

How the hell do you strengthen your colon?!

This reminds me of the brilliant Saturday Night Live skit about “Colon Blow” cereal:

But I digest digress…

People are buying this stuff, even if they know it probably won’t work.

Like buying a lottery ticket even when we know the odds of winning are 0% –  what we’re really buying is “hope”:

Hope that this will actually work – unlike the last 10 attempts.

Hope we can overcome 20 years of bad choices with a beverage.

Hope that this product will give us the confidence and self love we deserve.

Don’t get me wrong.

“Hope is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies.”

I just HATE when hope gets weaponized to sell you expensive snake oil and pretty-packaged fluff.

This is what we are rebelling against here in the NF Rebellion: marketers and companies who are crappy enough to prey on our hopes and fears and sell snake-oil in a bottle.

We’re also rebelling against that voice in our head that talks down to us, calls us failures for not getting in shape yet, and berates us every time we break down and eat a cookie.

I say no more.

Let’s fight fire with fire science.

WHY CAN’T I EXERCISE MY WAY THIN?

There are a few generally accepted truths when it comes to weight loss.

All of these are controversial, vary wildly depending on your weight and body fat percentage, and will differ from person to person.

Setting all of that aside, I’m going to try and keep things simple just to prove my point.

Let’s go with an (understandably) oversimplified look at weight loss: a pound of fat equals around 3,500 calories.

This would mean you’ll need to either eat 3,500 less calories, or burn an extra 3,500 calories to lose 1 pound.

So…how long does it take to burn 3,500 additional calories per week? Let me answer a question with another question:

…How many hours do you have?

Studies show you’ll burn an extra 100 calories when walking or running a mile.

So, you would need to be running/walking an additional 5 miles per day, 7 days a week, to lose one pound per week.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time to run an extra 5 miles a day. Nor do I want to.

Not only that, but as you’ll see below – this idea of just burning an extra 500 calories per day to lose a pound a week only works early on.

You’ll quickly run into speed bumps and roadblocks – figurative ones, try to avoid the real ones on your run –  that slow down your progress significantly. Simply put, exercising your way thin has proven time and time again not to work:

Many people develop increased appetites as a result of exercise, which leads to no weight loss. Time Magazine got in trouble for pointing this out  – even though they were right!

This 2011 study came to the conclusion, “In overweight and obese populations… our results show that isolated aerobic exercise is not an effective weight loss therapy.”

Another study compared people who dieted vs people who only exercised: “Body weight decreased by 10% in the diet group and by 9% in the diet–exercise group, but did not decrease in the exercise group or the control group.”

What I’m trying to say, and a lesson we try to deeply understand at Nerd Fitness: “you can’t outrun your fork”

…and the bad news isn’t done.

OUR BODIES RUIN EVERYTHING!

When you start to lose weight, your resting metabolism slows down.

You might think this is some sort of evil sorcery worthy of “He Who Must Not Be Named,” but unfortunately – it’s just 2nd grade math.

When you start to lose weight, there is less of you to ‘manage.’

In other words: your metabolism doesn’t have to work as hard to fuel all of your bodily functions, has less weight to carry, and thus it will burn significantly fewer calories compared to when you were much bigger.

Here is the daily resting calorie burn (“sit on your ass all day”) of a 35-year old male nerd at 3 very different weights:

300 lbs: 2,600 calories.

250 lbs: 2,300 calories.

200 lbs: 2,000 calories.  

WHAT THIS MEANS: Unless you adjust your calorie intake as your weight decreases… your previous calorie intake amount becomes less and less effective at weight loss, until you hit an equilibrium.

Put a different way: this person could eat 2,300 calories per day and over time, lose 50 pounds (from 300 pounds to 250 pounds), but that’s where he’ll hit equilibrium: calories burned equals calories consumed.

In order for him to lose the next 50 pounds, he’ll need to decrease his caloric intake even more, and then STAY at that calorie consumption to keep the weight off.

In economic terms, this is called “diminishing marginal returns.”

And then it gets even worse!

There are buckets of anecdotal evidence of a bodily feature called “adaptive thermogenesis.”

Which has nothing to do with the band Genesis – though feel free to listen to “Invisible Touch” right now:

It might soften the blow while you learn about “adaptive thermogenesis.”

This term refers to the process in which our bodies will adjust based on how many calories we burn – and do whatever it can to preserve the body fat we have.

Our bodies WANT to maintain the extra body fat we have (“I don’t know when I’ll need this, better save”), and are actively working in unison to preserve it – so even after a few pounds are lost from running, it’s going to be a persistent challenge to keep the weight off.

As pointed out in this article above:

“In long-term studies of weight-reduced children and adults, 80%-90% return to their previous weight percentiles, while studies of those successful at sustained weight loss indicate that the maintenance of a reduced degree of body fatness will probably require a lifetime of meticulous attention to energy intake and expenditure.”

This is why so many people can LOSE weight, but can’t seem to keep the weight off.

To Recap:

You can’t exercise your way to weight loss.

Your metabolism slows down when you lose weight.

Your body will try to keep its fat stores.

Even when you lose the weight, your body wants to keep the fat it has.

If you lose weight, you have to keep working on it or you’ll put the weight back on.

This is all terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news.

I know, I know.

However, there is HOPE!

And here at Nerd Fitness – and in the Star Wars universe – rebellions are built on hope.

We have thousands of success stories from people who thought they couldn’t lose weight…until they did.

People HAVE lost weight, and kept it off. People who are older, bigger, have more children, less money, more illnesses, and bigger hardships than you.

It’s a constant battle, but one that’s absolutely worth fighting.

And this means that you are not broken. You don’t have metabolic damage. You are not doomed. Sure, you’re flawed. But so are your heroes .

You might be playing life on “Legendary” difficulty, but people like you have succeeded.

It starts by using all of the tools at our disposal, because the forces working against us are doing the same.

Let’s get nerdy.

SCIENCE IS THE BEST. EMBRACE IT

YES, it would be awesome if you could drink a tea, or wrap yourself in plastic, and it would somehow magically make you lose weight or fat.

YUP, it would be amazing if a 30 minute bootcamp class was enough to still allow you to eat junk food all day every day and not gain a pound.

YEAH, it would be amazing if you could take a magic pill that reversed the past decade of damage you’ve done to your body.

It would also be cool if superheroes were real and I could fly.

Well, not like that.

Come on, Aquaman. People can see you.

Anyways!

We live in a world of science, physics, and thermodynamics.

This means we should ALWAYS look at life through the following lenses:

Occam’s Razor: The simplest explanation is PROBABLY the correct one.

Law of energy: Energy can’t be created or destroyed, only transformed.

Reality: If it sounds TOO good to be true, it probably is.

Let’s apply this to our waistlines:

If we are overweight…

It’s not because we have “toxins” in our body that need to be flushed out.

It’s not because we didn’t spend enough time in the “fat-burning” zone during our “muscle confusion” bootcamp.

It’s not because we picked the wrong ‘fat burning’ product tea.

These are all pseudoscience buzz terms to sell products, and have no truth to their claims.

Occam’s Razor dictates the simplest solution is PROBABLY the right one.

So what’s the simple explanation to why we’re overweight?

Every day, we consume food that gets transformed into energy.

This food must either:

Fuel our bodily functions: fuel our organs, regulate our body temperature, etc.

Pass through as waste: pee and poop.

Get stored as fat: saved for a rainy day.

If we are overweight, we are consuming too much ‘energy’ every day. Our body doesn’t need all of it, so too much is being stored as fat consistently.

Which brings us to the main point of our nutritional focus:

If weight loss is our goal, we must consume FEWER calories than we burn on a consistent basis.

By doing so, our body HAS no choice but to dip into that “rainy day” fund of fat stores to still get all of its bodily tasks done each day.

Do this consistently, and that’s how we end up with a lower number on the scale and a smaller pants size.

“Steve I know I should eat less. It’s doing it consistently that’s the tough part.

Have you tried CAKE?!”

Great point.

And yes, cake is awesome.

But we have to start somewhere.

And it starts here: we need to eat fewer calories, but it ALSO has to be sustainable and enjoyable, otherwise we’ll never stick with it.

And temporary changes produce temporary results. We want permanent weight loss!

Just saying “eat less” doesn’t factor the crazy biological, physiological, and/or emotional challenges we face every day:

We might eat when we’re stressed, depressed, or bored.

We can’t eat just one potato chip without eating an entire bag.

We absentmindedly grab a handful of Peanut M&M’s when visiting Kevin in Accounting.

Not only that, but even when we pay attention to what we eat, studies show that we often underestimate our calorie consumption by 30+%.

Crap. This just keeps getting worse! What’s a smart nerd like you supposed to do in this scenario!?

If we KNOW we overeat without realizing it, and we KNOW restricting calories is tough to stick with long term, then the only path forward is to attack the problem differently.

Not with fit tea.

Nor with body wraps.

Not with “muscle confusion.”

But with science, math, and psychology.

CHOOSE YOUR FOOD WISELY

If weight loss is the goal, we need to shift our food choices to foods that give us more “bang for our buck” – healthy, filling, nutritious foods that fill us up and makes us less likely to overeat calorie-bomb foods.

These foods allow us to feel full, but still keep us under our calorie goal for the day:

Protein like meat, fish, eggs, and so on.  

Fruit like apples, bananas, berries.

Vegetables like broccoli, Brussels sprouts, kale.

Quinoa, legumes, oats, rice, and potatoes (in moderation).

These are foods that take up a lot of space in our stomach and make us feel full.

Compare this to foods that don’t fill us up, but are loaded with calories – thus making it very easy to overeat without realizing it.

High calorie, easy to overeat foods like bread, fries, pasta.

Soda and juices and sugary coffee beverages.

Candy, cookies, crackers, etc.

To really HAMMER this point home…

As we point out in “Can You Burn Fat and Build Muscle at the Same Time?” Here’s what 200 calories look like, thanks to WiseGEEK.

Which ones do you think will make you feel full, and which ones will make you eat more than you realize?

Can you get yourself to stop after 2/3rds of a bagel or a small handful of pasta?

Of course not!

One more example – here’s 200 calories of broccoli:

“Steve, that is an absurd amount of Broccoli.”

Yup. It’s also the SAME number of calories as 2/3rds of a bagel (which doesn’t even include the calories from the cream cheese or butter).

Now, it’s insulting to say “You should eat more broccoli and less bagels. There’s yer problem.”

I’m merely pointing this out to emphasize the difference between energy (calories) and volume.

(Hate broccoli and all vegetables? Read this.)

Depending on what you eat, you could feel “OH SO FULL” after your meal or “Why am I already hungry again? NOM NOM NOM.”

Which means…

If you can start to make even SMALL changes, substituting nutrient-dense, calorically-light foods like protein, fruit, and veggies, for junk food – even occasionally, it’s going to shift the energy balance back in the right direction.

You’ll become more likely than not to eat fewer calories than you burn, moving you beneath your daily equilibrium.

Do that consistently, and you start to pull from those fat stores.

And we end up the holy grail: sustainable, non-miserable weight loss.

This is actually the secret sauce for ALL popular diets these days.

As we point out in our “Perfect Diet” article, all the popular diets get you to eat more REAL food and less junk food. They just all have their own unique marketing spin to sell cookbooks and podcast episodes

Let’s look at each of these diets in a nutshell:

Paleo: cut out grains and dairy. Consume only meat, veggies, fruits, and nuts

Keto: cut out ALL carbs. Consume only meat, veggies, nuts, and fatty sauces.

Intermittent Fasting: cut out an entire MEAL every day.

Mediterranean Diet: focus on REAL foods, with whole grains. Cut out processed foods.

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