#anyway deleted my account finally idk two years ago

[chipped-chimera]

Deviantart, how far you've fucking fallen.

[roublardise]

tag game - 20 questions for fic writers

YAAAY thank you for the tag @dogearedheart i love talking about my own stuff 💕

i'm unlocking some secret fanfic facts about myself that only two people know about!!

.

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

17 i can't believe it.... only 6 on my spn pseud which is my main one at this point

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

107 433 😳

3. what fandoms do you write for?

i only write for spn rn. the 11 other ao3 fics are from my vld era, and they keep getting kudos it means so much to me.... tho it's not my best works lmao i'm glad it still resonates with some people especially bc i wrote them for trans & autistic teenagers and like, you go ily

now, here's the secret facts: before ao3 and writing fics in english, i wrote many things in french. my main fandoms were Yuri!!! on Ice (i was in the french trenches!!) and Notre-Dame de Paris (the book & musical)

4. top five fics by kudos

i'm done taking the vld fics into account, so it's only spn stats:

You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect

It's new - the shape of your body

The Way Home

amidst ashes and feathers

here come the fallen, here come the failed ones

5. do you respond to comments?

i can't really say i do 😔 i TRY to, and sometimes i DO!! i used to reply to some on ff.net and i loved discussing with readers & other writers, but it's very time consuming and i already don't get much writing time anymore

so i take a while especially to longer comments bc i wanna give it justice? idk. i already struggle a lot with responding to my besties' texts so yeh ao3 comments aren't my priority unfortunately. they do mean everything to me and i screenshot them and read them and reread them and read them again like 😭😭

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hmmm i think it's my unfinished french Yuri!!! on Ice fic lmao. the ending is still in the drafts but it's very bittersweet bc the main relationship doesn't like, fall in love together and all. i play with that trope of "i'm not gonna fall in love!! *does anyway*" with an aro character and they will not, in fact, fall in love.

but the other character will with someone else and so it's this change of relationship that can get pretty heartbreaking still, bc something is still ending. well, more like evolving into smth else but a huge part of what they've shared is kinda lost and it's sad (<- fic written by a situationship survivor)

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

amidsts ashes and feathers TO ME!!! The Way Home's pretty happy as well but blablabla they kiss romance whatever, it's an easy answer.

now my Mary's fic is about finding community and she starts to collect every part of herself to be herself and she finally feels welcome somewhere 💕 pretty open ending and it's not much about reconnecting with dean & sam it's about taking steps yipeee

8. do you get hate on fics? i haven't gotten any so far!

not a big enough fanfic writer for this

9. do you write smut?

i've never done it in english.... YET 😏 if/when i drop my bela x meg you'll see. things happen!

i can't really say i've done it in french either tbh bc i never went super explicit but i did write many kinky scenes at this point so it's like. very sensual at least.

10. craziest crossover?

i don't do crossovers

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

not by someone else, but i've translated a few of my own things from french to english!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes!! i wrote a three-chapter thingy with @littlehaize that i think we deleted bc it was 10 years ago LMAO. it was very fun to do!

14. all-time favorite ship?

well...... no one will ever be destiel. however it's a fanfic ask and i do not write them much, so my fondness goes for sapphic ships and ships that are not canon. always been a rarepair girlie (gn)

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

oh for sure my dean & sam portraits. i had actually started a kind of sequel to You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect, that was like, "From the same soil we've grown and yet he doesn't know"

GOOD stuff in there, but it was back in 2021. since then my spn takes have changed so even if i took it back up i'd have to rewrite it from scratch + i'm not super interested in it anymore. i started this at a specific time in my life, and now i'm onto new things, different issues, same themes but different takes!

16. what are your writing strengths?

poetic prose!! it's about creating emotions and imageries.... lots of my fics are character studies for a reason, i just like exploring ideas and that's what i've been doing for the longest time

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

worldbuiling LMAO. do NOT look too closely into my fics' timeline and chronology, i try my best but there's also a point where i stop trying. sometimes everything is vague bc it says smth with the story and/or bc it goes with the genre, but also bc it's vague in my own head

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?

i did that!! i think sometimes it's a better choice depending what the story is saying, like slipping some foreign language than one character speak and not the other to say smth (show what a character is still too afraid to say / it's hot / etc). in The Way Home i tried to insert actual ASL in some dialogues, and it felt important both for the disabled rights and bc like, bilingual life sometimes you have the right word in one language and not the other (and again, it says smth)

sometimes it's not quite relevant to actually write it down in the language, just mentioning what it is is enough. different choices for different contexts and stories 🤷‍♂️

19. favorite fic you've written?

The Way Home 💖 i love amidst ashes and feathers so much i have to mention it as well. but ultimately i have a fondness for longer stories bc i have very few of them!! The Way Home is a first in that regard, longest finished work of mine. i spent 3 years with this story and it's gonna be forever with me just like the city i left behind when i posted the last chapter :) it means a lot on a personal level

20. tagging: @littlehaize 🫶

[theroguequeenaniki]

Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol) 

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did. 

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it. 

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital. 

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones:  wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you  it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse. 

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? 

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure. 

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen. 

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

[ruby3818]

I have something I really need to get off my chest that I’ve put off for years now but can’t ignore anymore. Under a read more so you can skip it and tagged #negative so you can block it. Maybe this might clear some things up or at least get my side of the story out there. Please read this before making any decision about me from what you’ve heard from someone else.

I am aware that Cap, who I used to be friends with but had to leave the friendship because of their controllive obsession with me is still saying lies about how I “abandoned them” in public forums. Even going as far as to ask my franticshipping mutuals to block me (how she knows who my mutuals are is anyone's guess since I’ve had her blocked for over three years now??). If you see her do this please stop enabling them!! Over the years people have made her feel ok to get aggressive about my very existence and tell her that they are “valid” for feeling jealousy. All it does is reassure her that it is ok to behave like that and not be held accountable for their actions. Cap does not need validation, she needs help.

I have begged her multiple times over the past few years to leave me alone and stop saying stuff about me on public forums but every time she promises to stop I hear from someone else that they're still doing it. Things like; making up stuff that I apparently said in a dream treated as fact, telling my mutuals to block me, saying that I’ve apparently replaced her, telling everyone that I abandoned her, etc.

Because of her I not only lost them as a friend but every single other friend I had because they either believe the lies or they're scared of upsetting Cap who flies into a rage at the very mention of me.

I really tried to help her and then when the jealousy, gas lighting, violent mood swings and controlling behavior got too much for me and everyone else who tried to help I had to do what was best for both of us and leave the friendship.

I've tried for three years now to be the better person and not talk about what should be our personal problems but it's just blown up in my face with no one believing me or wanting to get involved and everyone enabling them (which is triggering to irl experiences but that's another story).

And I do understand that maybe a lot of this frustration I feel is because of the pattern of people abusing me and then everyone around me forcing me to forgive them and be around them for the sake of their feelings leading to the same damn cycle of me being helpless and feeling like a burden for not putting up with it.. It just sucks that even online I have to deal with it when this should be a safe place away from all that. But I also know what emotional abuse looks like due to irl experiences and I know that this is not acceptable behavior. This is abuse. And the only way to stop an abuser is to get their behavior out in the open and have other people know what they’ve been doing.

It also really sucks that the whole reason I couldn’t stand being friends with her was because I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone else and if I did they would blow into a rage and yet 3 whole years later I still am not allowed to talk to anyone otherwise I’m “replacing them” leading her to tell any potential new friends to block me (Somehow she is finding out who my new mutuals are on Tumblr, Twitter and Discord and dm’ing them to block me which is what some of these mutuals have come forward to tell me). She still has that control over me and I’m sick of it. I just want to move on.

I hate having to tip toe around the fandom not knowing what they’ve said about me to mutuals. I just want to be able to talk to people and have them know the full story and not some fabricated story of abandonment or random crap I apparently said in a dream of theirs.

As for what they did in the past, here’s my side of the story and why I had to leave the friendship;

They would always get jealous when I talked to other people and threaten to kill them self because "I'm just going to replace them". It became such a constant thing that I couldn’t even talk at all in a public server without there being a big drama about it. They even ended up being banned from Specord for their constant harassment of me.

Whenever I would bring this up and ask her (or beg) to not get upset and let me talk to people they would act like they had no idea what I was talking about and say that my depression is making me think crazy things. Even though other people saw it and I also had screenshots I still believed them because (being mentally ill) I really can't trust myself. I've been gas-lighted by people in my family my whole life so this was too triggering to handle on a daily basis so I needed out of the friendship.

She constantly suicide-baited me into taking her back and then made every conversation we had about suicide and self harm. Whenever she felt bad about something I said to her in a dream or if I talked to someone else she would tell me happily how she cut herself “for me” because it was supposed to show me that she loved me and that she somehow deserved it. The constant talk of suicide became too triggering to my own mental health and struggle with suicidal thought that I had to get out of the relationship.

For so long they would make up lies about how I abandoned them leading me to receive death threats from strangers telling me to kill myself, people blocking me and all my friends no longer talking to me so it doesn't upset them. So in the end they still had that control over me.

They even told me in our last conversation (over two years ago) that they were right for overreacting over me talking to anyone else besides them because I "shouldn't be talking to other people anyway". They even went as far to tell me that they hated how I was "popular" and basically wanted to be like me whilst also destroying me.

I know that I could of been a better friend but with my c-ptsd and her own mental health problems it just became a toxic mix. The very mention of my name or seeing my posts or comments at all just sends her into violent mood-swings. I couldn’t handle being emotionally abused on a daily basis and I needed out of the relationship. And I get that they still have friends that care about them, that’s good! They’re going to need the support if they’re ever going to improve as a person and move on from this.

So what is the point of this post? Well mostly just to get this pent up helplessness out into the open so maybe someone might understand. The other reason is that I am sick to death of having to be known as the bad guy just because I tried to do what I thought was the right thing by walking away. I want to be able to makes friends and not have to worry about Cap finding out and sabotaging it for me. I want the hate asks to stop. I want people who I thought were my friends to stop blocking me because of something they heard.

This is a selfish request but I also want people to stand up to her for once and stop her from spreading lies about me in public and feeding her delusions. I want her to know that she can’t bully, manipulate and emotionally abuse people in to a friendship and that she doesn’t get to decide who I can interact with. But mostly I hope that by getting this out in the open maybe this might finally come to an end and we can both move on.

Naturally she’s gone and deleted all of her dm’s with me but I do still have some screen shots that might help people understand. I won’t include any dm’s with other users but my DM’s are open if you need more clarification.

First off her finally agreeing to tell the truth (which she never ended up doing evidentely)

She always worshiped me as someone I wasn’t and thought that she had to be like me to be a successful person but it ended up blowing up into a full blown obsession around being me.

She always said she acknowledged that how she treated me was wrong but she still kept doing it like she couldn’t control herself... I kept thinking that maybe her therapy would help her and we could go back to how it was before but she just kept getting worse with her obsession.

This was the other Cap.. the one that wouldn’t acknowledge what she was doing at all and would tell me I was making it up out of paranoia

These are some screenshots that were sent to me of some of the stuff she was saying about me on other servers?? She would always treat the stuff that I did in her dreams as stuff I actually said but, idk how to control what I say in her dreams?? I would never in my life say this kind of stuff about anyone??

Due to the pic limit I will include other screenshots in a reblog.

If you need any more clarification or just want to talk don’t be afraid to ask. Hopefully this can be cleared up finally and I can be free from her control. She needs to be held accountable for her actions and she needs to move on for the sake of her own mental health as well as for mine.

[threeletterslife]

Chana! What are some stories that have stayed with you through the years, and writing that has impacted your own?

ooh nice question! i wasn’t sure if you meant some of mY stories or others’ stories, so i’ll answer it both ways! (this post is crazily long i’m so so sorry)

some of my own stories that have stayed with me through the years: you & me both, over the moon and insurrection/the exam

y&mb was the first full-on angst story i’ve ever published. (before publishing that, i was actually known for being a fluff writer 🤡 i know, crazy, right??) but y&mb sits in a very special place in my heart. when i was writing it, i was happy with where my life was going (i’d finally gotten out of the slumps) and the topics showcased in the story actually really hit close to home so i was also seriously invested in the characters too. overall, it was my best work for a while. but looking back, i feel like i could’ve written it so much better. it was only like what? less than a year ago? but idk i love it but hate it at the same time. the kind of thing where i laugh and cry at the memories from it, but also would HATE to read it again. still, the plot of y&mb was something i developed for YEARS before i even attempted to write it, so yes, it did stay with me through the years. and i know for a fact it’ll stay with me for longer in the future

otm is an interesting one. i finished the series this year i think (which sounds so crazy,, it feels so long ago). but the plot i planned for years! i always save my *special* plots until i think i’m capable of writing them. i still think i should’ve waited a lil longer when i wrote otm because i’m not 100% sure that was my best work ever. but otm just makes me reflect back on the crazy times. like the characters in the story, i also felt so confused and unsure and NUMB when i was writing otm—mostly because the pandemic had just gotten serious in my country and things had started to become like a mf SHITSHOW :(( i connect so much with the characters in otm... (i mean, who doesn’t love an intj mc qUEEN??) so yeah. i also LOVE oc and yoongi’s relationship in otm. their romance is actually something i want with my future s.o. LOL (something subtle, something steadfast and most importantly—STEADY). i wish i could rewrite it now fsjfjj but that goes for all of my stories

insurrection/the exam kinda go together. i’ve had the idea for insurrection the longest out of ALL of these stories lol. i think i mentioned it before but i always felt so intrigued by a ‘school revolt’ kind of idea. so i always kinda wanted to write a lowkey satirical(?) story full of morally ambiguous characters and questionable academic organizations. that turned out to be insurrection, which i waited for (i think? three to four years?) before i finally wrote it. AGAIN, it could’ve been better, but at this point, let’s just accept the fact that i’ll never be satisfied LOL. insurrection’s welton high school is based on my own high school,,, so you can tell how shitty my experience with education was in my high school years 🥳anyways, that’s why insurrection is so important to me. i feel like, in a way, it tells my story (and my friends’ stories too). the exam is a less optimistic (more satirical) view on the education system. while insurrection focused more on the students (their passions, their will to rebel and ‘cheat’ the shitty system), the exam focused more on the unfairness that students’ intelligence could be scored with fucking TESTS. one test that determines your whole future. utopia and dystopia respectively represented privileged children (who were more likely to succeed in the exam) and the lesser privileged children (who would inevitably fail the exam because they were never given the resources). yeah, i think the exam could’ve been executed better, but i think the overarching theme was there, which i’m pretty satisfied with. i’m passionate about screaming that the american education system sucks (as you can tell by this painfully long paragraph) lol i’m thinking of writing a fic in the future about an education system that actually works!!

ANYWAYS I’M SO SORRY I WROTE SO MUCH FUCK. BUT THERE’S MORE,,, HANG ON

others’ stories and writings that have impacted my own!!

starting with published authors! i’m a huge HUGEJFLKDJFLSDJ fan of louis sachar (i’m convinced this man is a genius lol). i LOVED holes, i LOVED small steps, i LOVED fuzzy mud, i LOVEDDD the whole wayside school series. he’s so witty? and creative??? like i owe all my outrageous ideas to him because he probably single-handedly taught me creativity when i was a kid LOL another author i LOVE is fredrik backman. he writes the best slice of life/coming of age stories. i’m particularly fond of a man called ove and my grandmother asked me to tell you she’s sorry (which inspired nothing a lil green can’t fix!!). honorable mentions go to ishiguro’s never let me go, faulkner’s as i lay dying, juster’s the phantom tollbooth. omfg i also had a HUGE shannon hale phase (the goose girl, enna burning, rapunzel’s revenge)—very fairy tale-esque but so magical and charming and CAPTIVATING!! i owe all of these authors a huge motherfucking THANK YOU. because they built me up this far 😭😭😭i love authors who are able to fully develop their characters or have the most amazing world-building ever. i think that’s why i put so much emphasis on my characters too. i rlly learned from the best 😭😭

as for internet authors!! i actually IDOLIZED this one author from wattpad (she was SERIOUSLY underrated). and i know there’s a stigma around wattpad authors (lowkey rightfully so; there’s some nasty stuff on there) but chloe was so SO talented. she wrote like a poet. it was insane. i never saw anyone who had a way with words like her. we were actually pretty close for a while but lost touch over the years. anyways, she wrote this beautiful, heartbreaking story called chrysanthemum,,, she deleted her account though so it’s not there anymore. (i know. i agonized over this for hours). she also wrote a horror fic (creatures) that STILL chills me to the bones. she inspired me to try writing horror too (in the future, i will!) 

other than that, i love all of @inktae​’s fics! she’s also an AMAZING writer. (her writing style is so eloquent and elegant and ugh! perfection!) her stories will make you feel nostalgic and lowkey heartbroken. she also writes a lot about nature/being around nature—it’s such a nice, beautiful, serene feeling. (she’s also the master of bittersweet endings!) i think i became obsessed with bittersweet endings because of her LOL some of her works that literally breathed LIFE into me: the blue notebooks, below thunder showers, written on the sky, first light (all of them are worth reading. her fics make you want to become a novelist—the inspiration i get from them is amazing!)

another legend is @jimlingss​!! i still keep up with literally all of her works because istg she never disappoints. she has such a simple but fluent writing style, which i LOVE! it’s engaging through and through. and man, she has a talent for storytelling! but the one thing no other internet author can top is kina’s characters. some published authors can’t even develop a single protagonist in the 456 book pages they wrote yikes. (but just saying, kina can do it in like 9k words.) i have no idea how she does it but her characters just feel human—even if they're not, they STILL FEEL REAL??? (sorry i’m just fangirling) but like i’m serious, she really did inspire me to start putting more depth to my characters. after all, why would the reader be invested in a story if they don’t give two shits about the bland-ass characters?? her pivotal works that made ME wanna pIVOT my whole writing career: tears of a villain, flames and floe, game of temptation, head over heels to hell, a voyage to liberation, ghost in the machine, the weekend massacre, love pages, moirai, a piece of the moonlight

i mean look, i’d put down way more fics of kina’s that inspired me to become the writer that i am now,,, but i don’t wanna make this long ass ask even longer so ummm i’ll have to stop 😭😭but i am literally in love with all of these published and internet authors. i just don’t understand how they are so talented. i really DO learn from the best. and i learned different things from each author too!! 

all of these stories (mine and others) have impacted my writing in some way or another. from my own, i learned from my mistakes lol. from others, i learned how to be a better writer. you can only write as much as you read. i stand by that fact to this day

anyways i’m so sorry you had to read this whole fucking essay 😭😭😭😭

[nighting-gale17]

Rollercoaster

This is dedicated to the discord, for making me write this sad thing.

In this AU, Buck has been homeless since he joined the 118, struggling to send his money to his sister so she’s able to escape her good for nothing abusive husband. It was fun to write, but be warned, I was half asleep and we were fihgitng over popsicles so it’s not my best work.

Might delete later idk.

Here’s the link, but I also have the whole story under the cut:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19197472

“Come on, Bobby,” Buck pleaded, walking backwards in pace with Bobby as the older man walked in the station house. “I know you need the help with that shift since Tommy called off, man, just let me work.”

“No, Buck, and that’s final.” Bobby blew out an aggravated breath, stopping in his tracks and eyeing Buck critically. “You’ll be working a thirty six hour shift before that one and if you took it, that would be close to seventy two hours straight. No, not happening, out of the question.”

Buck clenched his jaw, searing for an argument in his head. He knew Bobby was right, he was already exhausted now anyway, he’d barely be standing on his feet if he took that shift but—he needed the money. And it was a night shift, which meant he wouldn’t have to find a place to sleep for the night. “Bobby—”

“No, Buck.” Bobby cut him off before he could even start talking. “I’m not changing my mind about this.” he was silent for a moment, his expression of annoyance turning into one of slight concern and his tone softened. “Why do you need this so much?”

“Whatever,” Buck scoffed lowly, turning on his heel away from the conversation with his hand shoved in his back pockets. He wasn’t about to have that conversation with anyone, least of all Bobby. He knew what he was doing. He knew the sacrifices he was making and he didn’t regret a single one.

Taking the stairs two at a time, Buck grabbed his duffle bag from where he’d left it laying on the couch. He gave the kitchen a second glance, hesitating when his eyes lingered on the fridge. It’d been a while since the last time he’d had something to eat—their lunch had been interrupted and they never got around to eating it with the back to back calls they had—and breakfast early this morning seemed like years ago to his cramping stomach.

His pay check had just come in, though, and he needed to transfer it to Maddie’s account but maybe he could keep a little to get a nice meal—

Buck gritted his teeth and forcedly shoved the thought from his mind, berating himself for even letting it worm into his head. Flashes of bruises and scars and hospitals visits flashed through Buck’s head and he sighed, reluctantly heading towards the fridge. Maddie needed that money a lot more than he did. He'd be fine, he thought as he grabbed one of the pre-made sandwiches from the fridge.  This would hold him over until his next shift in sixteen hours, it was selfish to even think about keeping it for himself when Maddie was literally fighting to survive locked up on that house.

His hunger wasn’t a big deal. He'd be fine, especially with this sandwich.

Closing the fridge door with his foot, Buck was about to take a huge bite of the sandwich when he heard Chimney’s voice behind him, “Yo, man, you’re eating again? Better watch it there, pal, might find yourself with a little extra padding.” he teased as he walked past Buck, patting him on the stomach as he headed towards the lounge.

Any hunger he did have vanished with that comment, and Chimney was teasing, Buck knew he didn’t mean anything by it, but… he glanced self-consciously down at his stomach and grimaced, slowly lowering the sandwich back onto the counter. His eating habits hadn’t been the greatest since he started funneling all of his money towards Maddie, not that they were ever great to begin with, but they were at least kind of healthy. Now, the only food that he got that wasn’t fast food was the food he got when Bobby cooked. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who saw the difference that was putting on his body.

Hiking his duffle on his shoulder, But quickly ducked out of the station house, leaving the sandwich abandoned on the table behind him.

If he hurried, maybe he could grab a spot at the shelter downtown before it filled up.

xxx

He didn’t get to the shelter in time.

His night was instead spent aimlessly driving around all night until the library opened and he was able to hide out there. He spent the time like he usually did, deciding to brush up on some of his literature this time around while he waited for the time to pass for his next shift. 

His hunger was easy to ignore after so long getting used to it, satisfying himself with the thought that Bobby will probably have a nice, warm meal ready for them when their shift started in a couple of hours. 

He was right.

Buck sneaked into the showers before he clocked into work, quickly slathering product through his hair to keep it slicked down before he, quite literally, bounced up the stairs where the meal and the rest of the team were waiting. It wasn’t quite anything special tonight, just some lasagna and a couple of side dishes but it was heaven to Buck, and he told Bobby as much.

“Man, I wish I could cook meals like this every day,” he said, with maybe just a touch of wistfulness to his tone.

“Not everyone can be a chef quite like Cap.” Hen agreed, misinterpreting his statement, but there was no way in hell Buck was about to correct her.

Yeah. He was totally talking about Bobby’s cooking skills, not just about having a kitchen to cook in. Because that would be suspicious. And suspicion meant people maybe started asking the wrong kind of right questions and Buck couldn't have them doing that right, not when he was so close to having enough to convince Maddie she would be safe and removed enough to get out of there.

“Is everything alright, Buck?” Bobby asked later after they were done eating and the two of them were washing the dishes while the others fought over control of the television.

Buck tried not to tense at the innocent question, but based on the sharp look in Bobby’s eyes he’s not sure he succeeded. “Yeah,” he said, casually as he could. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You seem a little more tired than usual.” Bobby murmured, concern lacing his voice. “You keep asking about getting more shifts and don't think I haven't seen you sneaking into the showers before your shift starts.” he sighed, and Buck saw him put his plate down on the rack and turn towards him. “What’s going on, Buck? I’m worried about you.”

He could help, a small voice said in the back of his head. All of them would help. They would give you a bed to crash on. They’re family.

But that was the problem, wasn’t it? Buck’s never had good experience with family. He couldn’t see any situation where talking about this with his Captain would solve any of his problems. He still wouldn’t let him take more shifts and it’s not like he could just impose on him and Athena or anything, especially now that they were living together.

“I’m fine,” Buck said, smiling stiffly up at Bobby before resuming his furious scrubbing of the plate in the sink. “Everything’s fine.”

It’s not like he was completely exhausted all the time. Couldn’t remember the last time he had a decent sleep or a decent place to sleep. Had a hard time remembering what it felt like to be comfortably full—he was always either starving or stuffing himself because he didn’t know when his next meal was going to be. It’s not like his older sister was on the other side of the country, getting the shit beat out of her every night and making weekly trips to the hospital and there wasn't a single damned thing he could do about it—

A loud ‘crack’ broke him from his thoughts and he stared blankly at the sink in front of him. The plate he had been holding had shattered. Had he done that? 

“Shit, Buck,” Bobby cursed, quickly but gently reaching down and grabbing his hands and lifting them out of the pink water. “Don’t move.”

Bobby rushed off somewhere, but Buck wasn’t paying close attention. All he could focus on was the slow pattern the blood was making from the cuts on his hands down his wrists. It was captivating. Like watching a snake slither silently across the ground or watching a shark silently swim through the ocean. He’s seen a lot of those. Shark Week. Maddie used to love watching Shark Week with him. He was pretty sure she only watched it because of him, and he always loved those weeks, but then they didn't have them anymore because she was gone across the country and she left him and now she was dying—

He blinked as a soft white cloth wrapped around his hands, pulling him from where he had zoned out too. Bobby stood in front of him, his face lined with concentration as he gently tied up Buck’s hands in the white cloth and then wiped the blood off os his forearms.

“Sorry,” Buck muttered, suddenly remembering that this happened because he must have broken the plate. “I’ll pay for a new one.”

“Don’t.” Bobby shook his head, leading Buck over to the barstool at the counter and forcing him to sit down, his brown eyes were worried. “You can apologize by telling me what’s up with you.”

Buck hesitated, pressing his lips together in a tight line. He still wasn’t sure this was a good idea. “I’m just… stressed,” he said lamely, staring down at his hands fidgeting together in his lap.

“Stressed,” Bobby repeated, a little disbelievingly. “Come on, Buck. Listen, I’m your Captain, but,” he squeezed Buck’s wrist gently for emphasis, getting Buck to reluctantly look up into his gentle eyes. “You’re family. Let me help you.”

“I have a sister.” Buck began slowly, biting the inside of his cheek. “She’s on the other side of the country, stuck with an abusive asshole of a husband. I’ve been sending her almost all of my paycheck money to a separate bank account under her name.” he’s rambling now, but he can't stop. “I-I don’t have a choice, Bobby, I can’t just do nothing! He’s got such an iron grip on their finances she doesn’t have any of her own money to her name, all of it is under his, I’m the only chance she’s got to get out so I-I have to send her everything I have.”

Tears burned in his eyes, drinking down his cheeks as he felt himself begin to unravel. “I’ve almost got her enough money to get out of there, I just need a couple more paychecks and she’ll be able to leave but—I’m just so tired, Bobby.” Buck’s voice cracked slightly on his name, dropping his head into his hands. “She deserves so much more but I just don’t have enough. I’ve been trying to cut back where I can, but—”

“All you have to do is say something, Buck,” Bobby murmured comfortingly. “We can help you. you don’t have to work yourself down to the bone for this.”

Buck disagreed, after everything Maddie put herself through at their house before she ran away with Doug, she deserved so much more than he was able to give her. God, he couldn’t even pull his shit together enough to pay back even quarter of what he owes her. She raised him when his parents wanted to throw him out on the street. How does someone repay that?

“Come on,” Bobby said after a minute, wrapping an arm around Buck’s waist to get him on his feet. “Let’s get you back home, get some rest—some real rest— and then we can help you figure out how to help your sister.”

“Home?” Buck asked, confused as he stopped in his tracks and looked at Bobby. What home? He had no home, no place to live. And besides, he couldn’t just leave, he was in the middle of a shift!

“Yeah, back to your apartment, or are you still staying in Abby’s old place?” Bobby questioned, looking all for the world like he was about to get in his car and drive Buck back to a place that didn't exist.

“Bobby I—” Please don't make him say it. “I told you, all of my paychecks are going towards my sister. I have to help her.”

He could see the moment everything connected in Bobby’s head and he had to look away so he wouldn’t see the pity and several other emotions in those eyes that he didn't deserve. He couldn’t even take care of his sister. He doesn’t deserve any go the things Bobby is looking at him with right now.

“I’m fine,” Buck said quietly, wincing slightly as he clasped his hands together tightly. “Really. I’ve been in worse situations, it’s not the end of the world.”

“I think…” Bobby said slowly, softly, like he was talking to a cornered animal. “You should come home with me, have a bed to sleep on, and we can talk to Athena about helping your sister.” 

“Why?” Buck muttered, chancing a glance up. “It’s not going to change anything. The police can’t help her.”

“Maybe not,” Bobby allowed, placing his hands on Buck’s shoulder’s and staring at him intently. “But we can help you. Right now, you need to be your priority. You won’t be able to help your sister if you collapse from exhaustion before then.”

Buck wanted to argue. But he knew that look in Bobby’s eyes. He’s seen it in work, and it’s been used on him more times than he can even begin to count. He knew there was no getting out of this and… he wasn’t really sure he wanted to. Of course, it was humiliating that someone knew he was homeless, his cheeks burned at the very thought. But this was Bobby.

Family, right?

“Okay,” Buck relented, ignoring the way Bobby’s relieved smile made his chest warm up. The thought of a bed and food was too nice to pass up, and he was exhausted. “Thank you.”

“Anything for family, Buck,” Bobby said, throwing an arm over his shoulders and guiding him out of the station. “Anything.”

[diegoh4rgreeves]

#SelfiesForCastaneda

Story Summary:  You’ve just finished watching The Umbrella Academy on Netflix. You follow the main cast on Twitter and get a Retweet from David Castaneda on your selfie! This prompts a conversation with you two. You hit it off and set a date.

Chapter: 1/1

Word Count: 2,420

Pairing: David Castaneda x Reader

Warnings: Anxious thoughts

It’s a rainy Friday night. Normally you’d go out with friends or go out to downtown Toronto. Because it was raining and you were exhausted from work though, you decided to veg out and finish watching the Netflix series, The Umbrella Academy. You were comfortable in your warm home, laid down on your plushy couch, with a fuzzy blanket covering you, and you were in your sweatpants and loose white t-shirt.

You forgot about this comfort once you were so stunned by the series finale of The Umbrella Academy. You could not wait for season 2. You also got attached to the characters and you loved Ellen Page and Robert Sheehan more than you already did before; back when you saw the movie Juno, and back when you watched the show Misfits. You thought Emmy Raver-Lampman was so pretty and seemingly sweet in real life. Your bisexual ass could not get over this. You hit the Follow button in Twitter for Ellen, Robert, and Emmy. The character Luther was your least favourite one, though you thought to get to know the actor for him, Tom Hopper, from interviews, and to Follow him on Twitter too. Justin H. Min was so handsome and so vulnerable as Ben. Aidan Gallagher was just a kid and did an amazing job playing an old man trapped in the body of a 12 year old. And last but not least, there was David Castaneda. He is the most handsome one to you. As Diego, he was so resentful. It didn’t make sense to you because all the siblings went through childhood trauma, from the same man who adopted them all. He was also spiteful towards a former lover, Detective Patch (who your gay ass also found attractive. That’s a story for another time). Still, there was something about Diego, or David, that made you feel good things.

You smile as you hit the Follow button on David. You have followed all the main cast of The Umbrella Academy, along with Mary J. Blige, who is just an icon. You also followed Gerard Way, who created the show and was the singer of the brilliant band My Chemical Romance.

You spend the rest of your evening lurking everyone you just followed. It feels good to be in love with something again.

As you lurk David and his Likes, you see a bunch of fan’s selfies he liked. Every selfie has the hashtag #SelfiesForCasataneda You’re intrigued by this. You wonder if he started this hashtag, or if some fans did. You are also pleased that he interacts with fans. He’s still at the level of fame where he can see fans in his notifications over being blinded by the plenty of Likes, Retweets, and Replies he gets.

This motivates you to get off the couch and to take a shower. As you take a shower, you think of an outfit idea for this selfie you’re thinking of posting. You’ll wear all black; the tight black turtleneck you bought a while ago and have worn plenty of times already, the baggy black jacket you’ve copped from your older sister, and black jeans. It was a Diego-esque outfit. You didn’t have to cosplay. You just always dress like this anyway, and you were the most confident in it.

After your shower, you slip into the outfit, put on some concealer, black winged eyeliner, and red lipstick. You snap some shots from the camera on your phone. You try out a bunch of angles. You scoff at some selfies and think there’s no way he’ll Like any of these. Well, he could, since he seemed like a support Liker to fans. You still wanted to dress to impress if he was going to actually see this selfie!

You beam up once you get another idea. You run to your kitchen to pick up 2 kitchen knives. You are aware of how funny this could look. You like to think that you’re a creative person, or so you decide to go the positive route of thinking.

You get the knives and put a self timer on from the camera of your phone. You criss-cross your arms, with a knife in each hand, and take the shot. Your phone took 3 shots, so there’s a chance of a good one. There is a good one indeed. Your face was lighted perfectly in this certain one. There was a glow. Your hair looked great too. You love the shape of your body as well.

You post the photo, and put in the hash tag, #SelfiesForCastaneda You press ‘Tweet’. At this point, you don’t care if no one would Like the selfie. You are just feelin’ your look!

Fortunately, you do get some Likes; a few were David Castaneda fan accounts, one from a supportive mutual, and a few others were from other fans of The Umbrella Academy. You Like everyone else’s most recent tweets and selfies back.

Then there is a Retweet. You beam up and think maybe it’s from one of the Likers. You view the Retweet and it’s from… @DavidCastanedaJ You think it’s another fan account, until you remember following this account earlier, and you notice the blue checkmark next to the username, which indicates that this is an official and verified celebrity account. Your heart is racing. What the fuck! you think. You check his account and think that maybe his support Liking evolved to support Retweeting. There is no other Retweet with the hashtag #SelfiesForCastaneda on his account though.

You leave your phone alone for 2 hours after your tweet gets more Likes and Retweets from other David fans. You even notice some haters in the thread. Luckily there are only a few haters. Everyone else says that your photo is bad-ass.

You’re not usually one for bragging. This is a very cool moment though, so you retweet David’s Retweet of your selfie, and you caption it with, 'Uhmmm… did David Castaneda just retweet my selfie!? Diego frickn Hargreeves!?“

You look at the time on your phone. It’s 1:30am! You’re usually a night owl. Somehow though, you were tired. You did sleep very little before you went to work, and you commuted in the rain. Being cozy and watching Netflix had to contribute to that tiredness as well. So, you snuggle up in your warm bed, which also has a fuzzy blanket, and sleep.

—

10:43am. You wake up naturally and pick up your phone which was laid on top of some pile of clothes you left on your floor beside your bed. You check your Instagram, Facebook, and Tumblr. Finally, you check your Twitter to check on the selfie. You also see an Inbox notification. You wonder who that could be from. People don’t normally message you on Twitter. You open the inbox and in the preview, it’s @DavidCastanedaJ ! You can’t believe it. What could he possibly have to say to you? Your heart is racing.

What if he says that the retweet was an accident? Would he have had to message you that though? He could have deleted the Retweet if it was an accident. You would have understood that he didn’t mean to Retweet one fan’s selfie randomly.

You take a deep breath before opening the message to quit your overthinking and your doubts.

@DavidCastanedaJ: It’s a good selfie. I had to retweet it.

After lurking his Twitter last night, you notice that he’s got a dry and sarcastic tone. You’re unsure of what to respond to him with, or if you should even respond. Well, of course you should respond. He felt compelled to say something to you personally instead of being funny and fishing for Likes. Well, that’s speaking for if he’s not being sarcastic.

You tap your chin and wonder if you should screenshot this to your close friends, especially your sister who got you to watch the show and dealt with you ogling over him. You shake your head out of this and think that it’s best to reply to him ASAP. He sent his text around 6am. You’re not sure why he sent it that early. He’s in Toronto, a city not too far from yours. He’s not shooting a show, as far as you knew. There isn’t even an announcement of a season 2 for The Umbrella Academy yet.

You quit your overthinking again, and decide to reply with this:

[@YourUsername]: A good selfie how? Like, in what sense?

You take another deep breath and chuck your phone on the spot next to you on your bed. You get up from the bed and decide to leave your phone alone and try to think of something productive to do on your day off. Before you can do that, your phone buzzes. You beam up, and rush back over to your bed, which you sit on your knees for.

Twitter Notification: Preview of @DavidCastanedaJ Inbox message

@DavidCastanedaJ: Idk

@DavidCastanedaJ: I like your Diego get-up, and you’re aesthically pleasing

Your heart is skipping beats. What does he mean by aesthetically pleasing!? Is he implying that you’re attractive? Are you even his type in looks? Do you resemble Detective Patch? Are actors attracted to the type of people who play their love interests? Well it was the only reference you have for this emerging and handsome actor.

You’re in your 20s, and he’s 29. You still have a baby face and wonder if he thinks you look younger than you actually are. Why would he retweet your selfie though?

[@YourUsername]: Aesthetically pleasing? This face?

You hold your phone and stare at the thread. Maybe he’s online if he replied to your last text just seconds after it. Much to your surprise, there’s a blue checkmark which indicates that he read it. Maybe he’s just thinking of what to say. Or maybe you’re a suggestive creep! Wait, how could you be if he was the one who retweeted your selfie!? God, you really had to quit that. Stop letting it get to your head!

The thread shows a new bubble, from him.

@DavidCastanedaJ: Haha

@DavidCastanedaJ: Yes, this face

@DavidCastanedaJ: It’s a great face. What’s your secret?

You are now blushing and still manage to type.

[@YourUsername]: I did sleep 9 hours last night. You know what they say about 9 hours of sleep.

@DavidCastanedaJ: Yeah, that’s lucky

You are easing into this now, though you are also wondering if you should be careful, or if you’re just dreaming and didn’t actually wake up earlier than you usually do.

[@YourUsername]: I’m guessing you don’t have that luxury?

@DavidCastanedaJ: Well, maybe now I can sleep that much

@DavidCastanedaJ: Back when we were shooting the Umbrella Academy though, I was a mess!

[@YourUsername]: You seem so healthy

[@YourUsername]: At least with that body, you do…

David seems to like that response. You spend Saturday afternoon texting each other, and it’s still surreal to you that this is happening, much less how you two seem so connected.

—

A few hours later.

@DavidCastanedaJ: So, you said you’re in Toronto, right?

[@YourUsername]: Well, I’m in a city *near* Toronto, about a half hour away

@DavidCastanedaJ: Oh I see

[@YourUsername]: I’m there often anyway. I mostly go see local bands, and take their photos

@DavidCastanedaJ: Right. I remember you saying that earlier

You’re unsure of how this conversation could last at this point. You take a chance with a one-word response anyway.

[@YourUsername]: Yep!

@DavidCastanedaJ: How would you feel about coming to Toronto tonight? I thought maybe we could have dinner, and I could show you real Diego Hargreeves gear…

Your heart is racing again! In fact, you think that you’re going to shit your pants. You decide to have some banter with him to cover up your fangirling.

[@YourUsername]: "Real Diego Hargreeves gear.”

[@YourUsername]: Is that a sexual innuendo?

@DavidCastanedaJ: It is if you want it to be ;)

[@YourUsername]: Omg

@DavidCastanedaJ: I realize that did sound pretty sketchy, so sorry about that

[@YourUsername]: No, it’s totally fine! I was just teasing :)

[@YourUsername]: I would love to come to downtown tonight! When are you free?

@DavidCastanedaJ: Well, seeing as I’ve been texting a very beautiful girl all afternoon, I’d say my schedule is pretty flexible

[@YourUsername]: Really? Are you sure that Gerard Way isn’t barking at you to get back on set for season 2 as we speak?

@DavidCastanedaJ: Ahahah yeah totally

@DavidCastanedaJ: I’d tell him to wait though. I should get to spend my free time with someone cool first

From there, you hash out the details for the plans; what time, and where to meet. You both also decide to get a drink at Brooklynn Bar. You’re not much of a drinker, though for a celebrity like him you made an exception.

You decide to wear “the Diego get-up”, this time you style your hair, wear darker red lipstick, the same black eyeliner, and you sling a small black cross-body bag over your shoulder.

David texts you with his name. Then he tells you to keep him posted on your whereabouts. You make your way to downtown and your meeting spot with him. You eye the area and look for him. You turn to some side, and you see him walking over. Your heart is skipping beats again, and you gasp.

He looks so handsome with his tan peacoat, black jeans, his gelled black hair, and beard and mustache.

He smiles knowingly and walks over to you. He gives you a hug.

You cannot believe that it is actually him. You realise in this moment that you could have been catfished. You weakly hug him back in your disbelief over this moment.

He pulls you in closer and you hug back tighter.

“Oh my God!” you exclaim.

He pulls out the hug and he looks over at you with a toothy smile on his face. “What?”

“It’s you. It’s really you! God, this is so embarrassing. I think that I’m actually starstruck.”

He chuckles. “This is gonna sound weird, but I thought I was being catfished.”

You give him a puzzled look, although you are so flattered. “I thought that I was an annoying type of fan you’re annoyed of attracting!”

“What!?” he laughs. “Okay, we haven’t even had a drink yet and we’re already confusing each other.”

You let out a laugh.

He gestures an arm to the entry door. “Shall we go in?”

“Yeah sure!”

He signals for you to walk in first, and so your date begins. Things can only get better from here.

[pieandmurderwednesday]

Shitty Canadian Hangman

Also known as: Arguing With Canada, my new job title.

I could put it on my resume. Role: Front Desk/ Office Administrator. Experience: orders shit for kitchen, argues with Canada.

Realistically, we have issues with exporting things with many different countries, especially Vietnam. But those issues are generally handled by our international office, while Canadian issues tend to fall right on my (completely unqualified) shoulders. 

Background: we were trying to send a laptop to our Vancouver office. A thing we have done before. A thing we have had issues doing before, and those issues were long and arduous and should have been solved already. Because I solved them (mostly).

See link for details: https://pieandmurderwednesday.tumblr.com/post/185484398919/the-continuing-struggles-fedex

So there’s this paperwork you fill out, right, for Power of Attorney for FedEx. Supposedly, this means that they will take your account and deal with all customs issues with a certain region and never bother you with it again. Supposedly.

Here’s the thing, though. I filled that paperwork out when I was young and fresh-faced and innocent, a mere babe in the woods (about three months ago), and also it had already been passed around to Canada, Texas, back to me, to the office next to mine, to the Chief Financial officer, back to the neighboring office, back to me, then to Texas and Canada again, and then to FedEx. Twice.

That paperwork got around, is all I’m saying.

And it asked for a “Business Number,” which no one at the time knew, so I left it blank and it got sent to Customs and they accepted it and everything was fine.

For like two months.

Then we try to send another laptop, secure in the knowledge that we have Filled Out All The Things, and it got stuck at the border. Because they wanted a Business Number.

A Business Number, for all you lucky bastards who have never needed to know, is a tax thing in Canada that you apparently apply for when you set up a business there. We didn’t have one (I think?) until March of this year, because back then our Canada office was under a different name and only used by remote contractors, so our shipments were casual instead of commercial and basically no one in Canada gave a single solitary fuck.

Then our parent company acquired us and our Canada branch and set up a business there Officially and didn’t bother to get an import-export account (which does fuck-all except add some extra digits after your Business Number and pacify Customs when you try to send shit to yourself, so I can understand why they never bothered). 

So we had the paperwork but didn’t put the number, FedEx and Canada both thought this was a terrible heinous crime, and they contacted us to get The Number to resolve the issue.

I was on break and totally unaware of the Canadian Shit Storm I was about to walk into when I returned. The laptop had been sent, all bells and whistles attached, I returned to the office to start my day, and then the issue was dumped in my lap.

So I sent our FedEx representative the copies of the paperwork we had already filled out, including the paper that explicitly stated that from this moment forward, they would deal with this shit so we didn’t have to, and they said “this looks fine except you need a Business Number or all of your hard work means nothing.”

(Why is it that you need a Canadian Business number for a Non-Resident power of attorney form anyway??? Doesn’t the very fact that you are Not A Resident of Canada imply that you don’t have a Canadian Business Number??????)

Anyway, I emailed the Canadian IT guy back asking for the Number, he sent me a number that identified their business but had the wrong suffix-- intended only for tax purposes, and not import-export. He suggested I ask payroll about it because accounting people apparently know these things.

I sent the number to FedEx, saying “This is what we have, the suffix is different apparently but can we at least use this for now?” And what I got back was, “We’ll check with Canada if this is correct but without the all-important suffix, this number is just farts in the wind.”

So they called Canada, and then they emailed me in a tither because “OH HEAVENS, CANADA SAYS THIS NUMBER IS NOT ASSOCIATED WITH YOUR COMPANY.”

To which my response was “Shit.” And a moment later, “What the fuck? That can’t be right, this is the number we use to pay our people, OBVIOUSLY IT IS OURS.”

But then I remembered my company exists under an umbrella company (parent company? I forget the term. Our tiny IT ex-startup has a helicopter parent, is what I’m saying) and it might be under that name instead.

Told FedEx, they said, “If it is under that other company, you need to fill out these three forms and then check if the number is correct and then click your heels together three times and pray the Wicked Bitch of the North will accept your humble offering.”

To which I saw turn red, wrote and deleted several very strongly worded emails, finally whittled it down to a polite-sounding “That seems excessive, can we at least check that the number is under our name and see if we have an account without sending the paperwork to get lost in our other office for a week, please oh please? And also, we pay for all this shit and not our parent company, so isn’t it technically ours to deal with anyway?”

Cue Shitty Canadian Hangman, where I hope at least the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA) was having fun, because FedEx Poor Bastard (herefore dubbed FPB) and I sure weren’t. Vaguely, it went like this.

Me: *calls FPB* Okay, so this is our company’s name, is it under that name?

FPB : *calls CRA* “Is this the name?”

CRA: “No, you have three more guesses and then I take your first-born child.”

FPB: *calls me* “No.”

Me: “Okay, is it ~slightly more official name of our company~?”

FPB: ...huh.

FPB: *calls CRA* “How about this?”

CRA: “The first word is correct, I cannot tell you more. You have two more guesses, then I take your first-born child.”

FPB: *calls me* “One word was correct, but is there an official suffix or anything?”

Me: “.... Hang on.” *stands up too fast, bruises knee badly against corner of desk, limps to supervisor* “What’s our company’s official name?”

Supervisor: “~Name Canada has already rejected once~”

Me: “...oh.” *limps back to desk* “This is it, bub.”

FPB: “Can you please call Canada this time, they scare me.”

Me: “Fine.”

Me: *calls CRA*

Me: *on hold*

Me: *on hold some more*

Me: *on hold for an hour*

Me: *opens email, sees Accounting has sent Official Canada Name of Business, which is... just great.*

CRA: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Me: “Can you tell me if this number is associated with ~Actual Official Business Name, for real this time~?”

CRA: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, phew! So, do we have an import-export account?”

CRA: “I cannot release that information without authorization.”

Me: “... But I work here. Well, not in Canada, but this is our company. That we want to send a thing to. I just want to send a thing and I need to know if you will let me do that.”

CRA: “You need to fill out form IDK and IDC, and also form GO FUCK YOURSELF before I release that information.”

Me: *dying inside* “Okay fine, you’ve been very helpful. Have a... nice day.”

CRA: “Va te faire foutre.”

Me: “To you as well.”

Back to FedEx, they said they couldn’t do shit either, dumped the whole mess into Accounting’s hands, because they originally didn’t set up whatever account it was and I, a lowly front desk worker, don’t have the authorization.

Shirley Bassey: “I love her to bits, but she doesn’t have the authorization.”

This is the culmination of four days of work.

I have talked with FedEx, with Canada Revenue Agency, with our Vancouver office IT person and hiring manager, with Accounting and with my supervisor, and the result of this effort and time is: I confirmed that the number that we use is, in fact ours. And that I cannot use it until Accounting consults with Legal and sets up the fucking account we seem to have been using already (because how else did we manage to send anything before????). And I googled how to curse people in French while I was on hold.

So all in all I was very polite on the phone, while my subtitles were more like, 

*raises middle finger* 

“Thank you for your help” 

*raises other middle finger* 

“throughout this process” 

*raises third middle finger* 

“and I hope you have a great day.” 

*finger-spelling F-U-C-K- O-F-F* 

“I appreciate your time” 

*scribbling on paper “You Useless Bastards”* 

“and I hope you have a great weekend” 

*continues writing “along with the last of my fucks, which has died of fuck deprivation��* 

“Goodbye!” 

*finishes writing “I hope you step on a Lego every night before bed and that the toilet paper always runs out when you go to a public bathroom”*

[prorevenge]

Destroy my childhood, ruin my chance at college, and laugh when I said I was homeless? Lol cool, I'll ruin your f*cking life.

warning: this is a VERY long story with few updates and TL:DR at the end.

BACKSTORY: My mother was a really shitty person. I have 4 other siblings. One older sister, 3 way younger, 3 different dads. Before I was born (im a male btw), my oldest sister was taken away from my mother when she was a few months old because she tried to stab/slice the father of my sister WHILE HE WAS HOLDING HER. She lost custody and the dude left her. Older sister goes to live with her fathers family in a different city. CUE LIL OL ME COMING INTO THIS SEXY WORLD. My dad went to jail 2-3 years after I was born for a while, I rarely saw him. He's an alcoholic if that matters. She was a single mother but she made it work and she worked hard. One of the bigger problems was that she took out all her aggression and hatred of my father on me as well as work stress and etc. She dealt with sexual abuse growing up which I'm sure definitely affected her relationships and how she treated me as well. Anyways...

Cue me being abused from the age of 4-5 to about 17. Every day was hell. She was extremely strict and her perspective was warped. She was also pretty big in stature and had alot of strength. Examples of her being shitty: I've gotten beaten up badly once because HER room was dirty. The dishes weren't washed and I got beaten soon as I got home, even if there weren't dishes when I left to school. If i walked too loud, id get my ass beat. She broke my nose for looking at her the wrong way on my 10th birthday when she brought me a cake I was allergic too(It had peanuts, she knows im slightly allergic but feigned ignorance..) It was more or less every day or every other day. She used her fists/elbows/extension cords/hangers/chairs/canes/bats/etc. Whatever she could find I was getting beaten with. I couldn't ever escape to my room for long because she would always call me every few minutes to get her things or to yell at me. She never drank or did drugs or anything. Whenever she was upset and I happened to be in front of her she'd kick me down the stairs to make me hurry up. She's put a knife to my neck before and had to be forcibly stopped by her bf of the time. Burned my Christmas presents from other people (she didnt get me anything that year) and just other really shitty things. The only thing I will say, she tried really hard to make up for it with video games and electronics and etc. It didn't make a difference to me though, it never helped.

She controlled most aspects of my life. I got by with little petty revenges. Peeing in the Lipton iced tea she drank. Rubbing her forks and spoons between ny buttcheeks before i served her dinner. Ignoring her screams for help when she had kidney stones (how tf am i supposed to help anyways??) But by the time i got to highschool I turned to alcohol. I resented her and the negative atmosphere affected who I was as a person. I started to be cold and uncaring. Calculated. She started kicking me out every few months telling me to find somewhere else to live by age 15. She sent me away to a different country for a year and tried to keep my passport but I made it back to the US with the help of the embassy and my step father (she'd already left by that time and found some other dude). I came back senior year with no credits for the prior grade which ended with me getting a GED. I spent most of the time i could with my best friend and started working shitty jobs. I was terrible at saving as i had accumulated loads of shitty habits while growing up so it didnt make much difference. She eventually told me that If i went to college, I would ALWAYS have a place to live until I finished. Cue my first 2 semesters at a 2 year college, I maintained a 3.7ish gpa. My teachers loved me and it was my escape. Towards the end of my 2nd semester during finals, i came home late one night around 10pm and my mother yanks the door open screaming in my face asking when I'll move out. I'm slightly drunk and decide to completely ignore her and walk to my room. If I opened my mouth, that day would be the day I blew up and cursed her out. I've rarely ever raised my voice at her because it never ended well. Now at this point im 19 and I've been doing school full time with no savings. Im also fairly fit and could easily take my mom at this point (Never laid a hand on her or any woman, i hate violence). I get to my room, she rips my door open, and starts yelling. I say nothing and stare at her. She walks away and called the police on me saying she thought id murder her and my younger siblings. I don't know where the fuck she got that idea from as she's the one who's nearly killed me many times.

I packed everything into a duffle bag and left 5 minutes afterwards. I failed all of my finals because I couldn't make it to my school. Things kinda spiraled and the next 2-3 years were me on and off homeless. I survived the best I could in a big city with no college degree and made a lot of shitty choices due to my shitty habits. Eventually i found a profitable hobby that gave me meaning and through that i started to work my way up. Got my own apartment, had a full time job, and did my hobby on the side. I hadn't kept up contact with my mother at all but my younger sister who was old enough to have a phone found me on social media so i saw photos and such, she didn't have it anywhere near as bad but she did get beaten occasionally. My mother reached out via email all smiles asking how I've been. Now guys, ive always been envious of the relationship most ppl have with their moms so I gave her a chance and gave her a call. We talked for a few minutes and everything was civil and seemed like things would go okay but then...

She asked me what I've been up to the last few years and I told her honestly, that I was homeless for a while and struggled a lot after what she did to me but I worked my way out of it. SHE LITERALLY LAUGHS. She laughed for a few seconds in a very condescending kinda chuckle and then said "I never did a thing to you so you don't know what abuse is! its your own damn fault you were homeless. So how about yo-" but by that point I hung up. I was speechless and fuming. I don't know what abuse is? OKAY BITCH. IVE SPENT TOO FUCKING LONG LETTING YOU DESTROY MY SANITY. NOW IS THE TIME.

There was a few things my mother didn't know. One, I knew for a fact that current well paying job she had was gotten on lies as she never got her college degree and lied about it on her resume. Two, I had access to all of her email accounts and cloud storage accounts since I was the one that set them up when I was younger and she never changes her passwords. Lastly, she DEFINITELY wasn't aware that from 13yrs old and onto the last time she hit me I took photos of ALL my bruises/marks/wounds/bloody noses saving them to my computer and then google drive. ON TOP OF THAT, my little sister had been sending me photos via social media of the bruises she got from my mom.

The first thing I did was compile ALL of those photos/videos into one folder. I then reached out to CPS in my city and explained that my siblings were being abused, how I was abused in the past, and that I had mountains of proof. Since ive called the cops on my mother before AND the thing that happened with my older sister, there was immediately a home visit. They arrived almost a day later with the police and coincidentally my mother was literally in the process of beating my younger sister when they were knocking. Cue an Emergency removal of all my siblings from the house and my mother getting arrested though she was released hours later. (I was getting a day to day play by play because my mothers best friend is a blabber mouth and everything my mother said she told her son who relayed it to me without either of their knowledge.) I sent CPS all the evidence and there's a legit case against my mother now. The next day I emailed and then called up her job to inform them that she had lied about having a very necessary college degree as well current events in her life which sparked a background check. She was fired days later. Say adios to 75k and a blacklist in the only industry you know how to work. I then spitefully deleted every cloud account and email address I ever made for her, which was all of them which im sure will make keeping up with alot bills and etc nearly impossible. I then anonymously reported her to the IRS because of the tax fraud she committed for years by claiming people's children that weren't hers with ALOT of detailed information since I lived with her while she did it.

So now, my mother lost all her kids and her job. Im meeting with a caseworker from CPS next week to talk more about what happens moving forward but I do know they're NOT going back. Idk how she's gonna pay her mortgage now and survive. I'm sure she's gonna get a call from the IRS who'll be looking for a few thousand dollars she owes them. She also has to go back to court in a few months, not exactly sure what she was charged with but ill update when I find out how everything turns out.

Side Note: She isn't aware im the cause of any of this. I plan on keeping tabs on her and waiting until it seems like she's close to death before I tell her it was all me and I peed in her Lipton.

Updates:

1) I am psychologically not in the position to take care of my younger siblings or take on a parental role. I came very close to suicide 2 years ago and im just trying to work on my alcohol problem and other habits that keep me in a cycle of instability. No I haven't been to any programs or therapy, I don't think it will help me in regards to my nearly constant apathy and etc.

2) My 2 youngest siblings weren't really bothered much. It was mostly my little sister after I left who got beatings but luckily it wasn't anything near the level I had to deal with.

3) Im also incapable of taking custody because I don't have an apartment anymore due to bad decisions I made while drinking recently. So I'm back to homeless but I crash with a friend once in a awhile. I am very well aware I am an influence on my younger siblings and I'm trying to stay consistent with doing everything I can to be a better and more stable person for them so that maybe I can finally build a real relationship with someone in my family. I'm sorry to disappoint everyone who keeps wishing me more success.

4) Aside from my little siblings, I have zero contact with anyone else in my family. And even then, its been very rare because I had to avoid my mother to see them and didn't want her knowing i kept in contact (Meeting my little sister after school, facetime, etc). The rest of my family were well aware of what she did and distanced themselves. I don't plan on reaching out to them as im not good at maintaining relationships with mostly anyone anyways.

TL;DR - My mother abuses me badly for most of my life as well as my younger siblings. I have to drop out of college and support myself after she drove me to homelessness. She proceeds to laugh at me about me being homeless and denys abuse. So I ruined her life by getting my younger siblings removed and her arrested, making her lose her job, reported her to the IRS, and essentially set her up so that the remainder of her life is full of disaster and hardships.

(source) (story by howbout_that_lipton)

[yenneferw]

so, a while ago me and my friend like Broke Up our friendship. we were super close like we talked to eachother abt shit you basically Dont Talk about (other than like therapy ig) like self harm even like Deep shit we were super close and the breakup was very sudden for me and really sucked because of the phrasing and wording and i was afraid my friend (we'll call them. Maple ig idfk) i was afraid their mom had gotten ahold of their account. this is kinda long but w a good ending so hold on (1/?)

(2/?) Maple had already deleted their tumblr but we were still talking on hangouts and, basically the breakup was super bad. they said shit abt like how they have to “focus on real life friendships” and shit – like i understood their original like Reason for it (they felt shitty like they were leading a double life which understandable yk???) but they ended up saying such hurtful stuff i was afraid it wasnt them talking. but the next morning they sent me videos of themself saying basically the

(3/?) same shit. So that really sucked and i was super messed up about it for like a whole week (like as in could hardly function – we’d been friends for almost a year and we we’re lowkey like planning to move in w eachother when we get older) and then i finally like started saying like Yeah me and my best friend like broke up but it was like. super painful for a really long time. Cut to a few months later, it turns out theyre back on tumblr (i found their url through a mutual friend, after the

(4/?) mutual friend answered an ask – the url looked like something theyd said/would say so i clicked on it and it was them) and that sent me. like reeling and i was fucked up again. a while later said mutual friend randomly deleted and after a day or so Maple messaged me and asked if i knew what happened. we tried to Kind of idk. mend things but it didnt work and i was still super hurt. we broke up back in september. jan i started not thinking about them so much, but when i did it hurt so bad

(5/?) cut to april 26th this year. they message me on hangouts asking to talk. i dont see it until May 21st because i deleted the app and dont log into gmail on my laptop a lot so i didnt see it at all. so after like a few hours of fucking. being really fucking. like shell shocked, i reply lets talk. i still cry when i hear/see things that remind me of them. 2 days later, Maple replies. we start kind of talking, though now all my fucking walls ever are up and im really like emotional and crying

(6/?) this is the fourth time ive typed this i hate the internet. hopefully i havent hit ask limit. anyway. maple and i talk. they apologize – not in the Cheap way, but in the Meaningful way, and its good. long conversation short, i tell them i dont think i can be friends right now, but i want to be on good terms, so it stops feeling like part of me is Missing and Gone. they agree. we agree to be able to check up on eachother when we need to. for the first time in a long time i feel. relieved.

(7/7) hopefully that went through. anyways. idk, maybe we’ll be friends again one day. I want to be. i love them a lot, they just hurt me really fucking bad yk. i just dont think i could Do That right now, yk? but this… this is a start. Not an ending. Not a… new beginning either. A continuation, i guess. Im still. Hurt. But im finally. Recovering. It’s good.

anon this was such a wild ride…………. i was hanging on for the whole fucking thing i should’ve waited until it was all sent to start reading it bc i was hooked……. i’m really happy that you two have been able to get to a better place tho!!!! losing friends HURTS and it’s so much better if you can leave off/keep things at a quiet but good place. and i’m really glad that you’re able to start feeling better after it all now too!! best of luck to you babe! 

[tonyhawkprostater]

idk if any of y’all were here like six years ago when we told each other weird ass dating stories, but please enjoy the story of knuckles the echidna from tinder under the cut

sorry in advance for the rambling i promise i am actually a good writer and i will get my english degree in 2020 thank u very much

ok so like i redownloaded tinder just to mess around on the app like i had no actual intention of meeting anybody irl with it

but there was this account that was posing as knuckles (like fucking knuckles from sonic the hedgehog. that knuckles) and i was like lmao. super liked

and then i deleted the app

but then my friend shared one of my other friends’ profiles with me and i redownloaded the app again to super like him as a joke (that sounds like it has cruel intentions but don’t worry he’s not interested in this mess that i have going on)

and when i was on there i saw a message from knuckles so i was like talking to him crackin jokes about good old knuckles the echidna and he ended up telling me his name and that he goes to ou (which is where i go) so i was like oh you should follow me on twitter then!!

so basically i was like cool a new friend!! and he messaged me so i responded and we were talking about video games and how im a big stan for final fantasy as many of you know from following me (this fact will come into play later in the story)

and he literally won’t stop messaging me so im like great. this guy thinks i was really looking for love on knuckles the echidna’s tinder.

and i had decided to just stop answering but then at like 4 pm today he sent me a picture of final fantasy cup noodles at family dollar which i have been looking for so i was like omg buy some and bring them to my work i’ll pay you for them!!! and he was like it’s only 2 bucks i’ll just get them for you and i was like eeeaah ok i guess he can do that i would let any of my male friends buy me 2 dollar noodles

so there he comes into my work with fucking two packs of final fantasy edition cup noodles and i’m like lol i gotta go to the back stock to hide these so no one makes fun of me hahaha!!! but actually i was just looking for an excuse to get out of there

so after a few minutes i come back and the other baristas are like yeah he just walked out bc you were gone i was like fucking good

and then later i thanked him again for them bc im bitch but god dammit if i’m not a polite bitch and i asked if he had the receipt for the noodles so i could download the final fantasy dlc that you get with the cup noodles promotion

and he had like a meltdown and is like oh my god FUCK I’M SO SORRY I WILL GO BACK TOMORROW AND BUY YOU MORE CUP NOODLES I’M SO SORRY i’m like chill dude i don’t even need the dlc i was just wondering if u had it and hes like freakin out like if noctis doesn’t get his damn bonus outfit dlc he will physically jump out of my tv screen and thrust his sword in my face

so that’s the story of my ramen daddy sugar daddy, knuckles the echidna

and basically i just needed to get this off my chest and the moral of the story is never use tinder and if you do only super like people if you know what they look like first

anyways message me on anon and let me know if you think i’m a bitch!!!!! lmao thanks for reading bye!!!

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

8/9/19 12:34 AM the super update. aka get your shit together Endgame post 1/?

Well. Here I am. It’s hard to even approach this post, to be honest. I’ve been procrastinating for so long. So long that it’s actually the last real thing I have left on my to do list.

Check this out.

I’ve been working hard at doing things lately. And catching up with you is basically the last thing left to do.

I finally spring cleaned all of my clothes and got rid of a ton of stuff that didn’t fit one way or another. 

I started playing guitar again.

I got my shit together with my job, got a bunch of online credits that I’d been procrastinating on. Started doing all the possible work I could every night to make my boss happy and it’s been making me a fuckton more money tbh. 

I’ve bought a bunch of cool shit, and been treating myself right with my food. I gained a bunch of weight back during the past year during my relationship with Andi. It’s not a terrible thing, I was treating myself. She convinced me that I deserved to treat myself and enjoy myself and that’s not a bad thing. But now I’m doing what I call Keto+, which is Keto+Beer lmfao.

I’m still going out drinking whenever I want, but for my meals I’ve stopped eating breads and rice and pasta, mostly just eating chipotle (just graduated to doing salads instead of bowls with light rice, though I wasn’t eating the rice just a bite here and there), sashimi from Hmart, lately once in a while a five guys lettuce wrap burger, back to doing salami and mozzarella at home. 

I’ve taken to fasting once a week on my thursday night shift (tonight), to try to accelerate the weight loss, but it’s not like my pov diets before because I’m still eating nuts.

It’s been a progression of increasing the amount I’ve been running (from one day to two days, to usually two maybe three days a week now, and the distance is a lot longer now), and cutting off more and more little cheats. E.g. the biggest was finally embracing sparkling waters instead of gatorade. I finally got to try Spindrift off a recommendation from a magic the gathering podcast, and it’s incredible. Only like 3 calories a can and it actually tastes good from the real juice and not bitter in the aftertaste. 

But anyway, I’ve got plenty of money now. My debts are paid, I’m ahead on bills, I’ve got all the sweet clothes I wanted, so I finally made the call last week.

It’s time to fix my car’s bumper. I’ll try to remember to get one last picture of lexi before I fix her broken front tooth.

Do you know what that means?

It’s the Endgame.

The Get Your Shit Together List I put together years ago... well let’s take a look at what’s left of it. The sad thing about digital to do lists is you don’t see the progression though. Wish I knew what was on there. I think a lot of it was losing weight, but I skipped the whole being healthy part before.

God damn, man.

Doc last edited Oct 2, 2018. I guess I started writing this plan out Jan 2017. I think my biggest priorities then were to cut down spending and pay off my debts. 

I never started exfoliating lol. I wonder if I should do that for my nose.

I didn’t give ashleigh her plane credit part because fuckit. I did end up using mine though, to take that trip to Hawaii to visit John. Pretty fucking baller. I guess that was another big step towards getting my shit together, too.

Quit melee, but now I’ve been playing again playing jigglypuff just to hang out with my roommates. It’s really neat not grinding falco, even though I lose a lot the game’s a lot more fun again.

OH MY GOD THOSE BLUE STORAGE CUBES. When I fucking talked about spring cleaning clothes? THATS what I meant. I’ve literally had this shit on my to do list for two YEARS hahahahah. About goddamn time. Holy fuck.

Got my deviated septum fixed, didn’t cost nearly that much thank the lawd.

Just went to the dentist, my teeth are doing great. Ironically they mentioned that I need to consider replacing one of the fillings that I mention getting here eventually. 

I did finally get a new laptop and backup the old one, uploaded that info to throw it out about two weeks ago. 

Actually got sweet ass new shoes booya checkem

I’m not vaping anymore, the whole juul pod fad never hit me. I’m doing cigarettes still, for better or for worse. Lol. I’ll take the cancer I know over the one I don’t.

But it’s better than I was when I was writing this list, I used to have to smoke one every single day after work. Maybe that was because I was hungry, but it was always this poignant craving on the back porch that I remember. Now I just like smoking when I drink mostly, but have the occasional one to chat with people or whatever.

Playing guitar again, not frequently, might start at work more since I’m playing the electric since I don’t have an acoustic available. Maybe I’ll even learn these songs. Playing guitar is great though, I kinda wanna be in a band sometime. That’d be fucking neat. Someone invited me to sing for his drunkenly at karaoke lol I should hit him up it’s been a minute. 

Got my nintendo switch, which I think was so far out of consideration that I deleted it from the fun stuff section. 

Who’d have thought I’d ACTUALLY start running and drinking water more. I guess I’m the greatest lmao.

Yeah man, like 15 pounds over the past 2 months. I think a lot of it was easy food weight, but it’s felt really rewarding all the same. Gotta keep it up, this 175 hurdle has been a tough nut to crack, but I’m gonna be really proud of myself once I get into the 160s territory again. I’m doing pullups slightly more, maybe I need to do the whole situps-pushups-pullups regimen right before/after running to really push it. Idk, i’m just glad i’m being good about it.

I’m even flossing once a week now.

Things are really shaping up. 

But with money in my bank account there are three options that I have.

1. Save it by buying stocks

2. Blow it by buying a bunch of dumb shit

3. Finish off the to do list and actually get my bumper fixed.

I wanted to ignore 3 because it feels like a dumb expense for a minor aesthetic, but I guess in view of all these things I’ve accomplished it really does mean quite a bit more than that. So I made a claim on a ding on the side of my car and I’m gonna see if I can get it all fixed up. I’ve actually taken on a few extra days of work lately and made even MORE extra money, so I don’t think it should knock me back financially at all. Which means that it’s time. 

I’m finally doing it.

It feels really cool. I’m a little bit anxious about it in the sense that it’s gonna be annoying if they deny me getting the bumper fixed because of the collision damage that I never reported. But whatever we’ll cross that bridge in a few weeks when I get the damage inspected and see what happens.

This has been my brag post. Hope you were able to tolerate it all. But that’s only the first phase of catching up. It’s only been a half hour of writing! I’ve got a lot of time left at work tonight and I might even spend a lot of this weekend at Darlin’s catching up if I have to. Catching up with this blog is as big a part of getting my shit together as scheduling my appointment with the car insurance was.

So what I mean to say is we’re gonna catch all the way through my greensboro days up to now. I have some saucy tales and some not-so-saucy ones. I’ve got a full relationship to blab about, and honestly one thing that I had promised her and was on a bunch of my old to do lists was to do like a whole pro-con listing about her persona, which felt weird and I kept procrastinating on but god dammit I’m gonna get everything off my to do lists. 

So I looked back a little and it looks like the last posts I made were about sally, Becky,  whatever the hell my dealings with Taylor were, and the beginnings of Mary. Which means that we’re gonna flesh out Mary, and then you’ve got Sophie, Rachel, Olivia, Andi, Jennifer, Heather, and Jill to look forward to.  Whew baby.

[therosewoods]

you've been pretty quiet about the whole ptv thing and the drama with mike. what are your thoughts about it? you used to be a big ptv blog, right?

lol yes is definitely used to be a ptv blog!! 

ok so i’ve been pretty vocal about this on my twitter and my private instagram account (as well as in my real life lol) but you’re right i haven’t really said anything here. i don’t really have a reason for that, i just haven’t had the motivation to write out a big post since my opinion is very much out there on other platforms. that being said, i will throw in my thoughts now that i’ve been asked about them:

okay, so like you mentioned, i was a HUGE ptv fan. i still very much am, but it used to be my entire life. these guys are the reason i’m in the scene at all and they were my first ever concert. i’ve been listening to them for nearly five years (seventh grade to junior in high school). i’ve seen them live ten times and i’ve saved every piece of confetti and every ticket i’ve ever gotten from going to their shows. i even have tony’s pick (which i picked up from the ground and stuck IN MY MOUTH so i wouldn’t lose it until i got to my hotel room) so, huge fan right? right. 

just before all of this happened, i saw them at the same place, same festival i saw them at for the first time, over four years ago. i was on top of the world bc this show reminded me again how much of a ride or die i am for these guys. with all of the shit about gross band guys coming out, i though about how lucky i was that this would never happen to my band (lol). like, i’ve always thought that i was lucky this way, bc when all of that shit with front porch step back in the day, ptv were my guys and they’d never done anything wrong up to that point so i was okay. 

then this stuff with mike happened. i saw someone vague tweet about it, so i was confused and i had to dig through twitter to find the original post. when i read it, i felt sick. at first i completely doubted it, but as i kept re-reading it and going through the thread, the more i started to believe it. i didn’t want to think that someone i loved for so long could be so irresponsible, but it kind of added up to me. 

my school has late starts on wednesday, so instead of going in at 8 like i usually do, i went in at like 9:30. and i was so sick and upset that i ended up going home early bc i just… couldn’t handle it. like… one of my favorite people was now completely different to me and i couldn’t deal. 

now, one thing that really bothered me about this whole thing was how long it took them (or anyone else!*) to make a statement. I completely understand that it does take time for people to release statements, but in my opinion this took too long. i mean i can somewhat understand because it was around thanksgiving but it REALLY rubbed me the wrong way when they were posting about their black friday sales while keeping the whole situation hush, hush. it may have been their team doing that for them, but it looked really shady and like they were brushing this under the rug so as not to interfere with the most profitable time of the year.

*and what i mean by “or anyone else!” is that Alternative Press, Kerrang!, and Rock Sound did not say ANYTHING about this situation until AFTER the statement came out. with other bands in the scene, they write articles almost immediately and update their readers as more information comes out, and then once a band finally releases a statement, they end with that. but they didn’t do anything with pierce the veil. the only websites i found talking about this was tiny underground music blogs that gain no traction and that i had to DIG to find. again, this makes it look shady and like they’re deliberately sweeping things under the rug. i don’t want to outright accuse them of doing that or anything, but it definitely looked bad.

anyway, i worried myself sick waiting for their statement. i checked literally every day and it was the biggest thing on my mind. i found out that they released a statement when someone on twitter posted about it. now, (and again this is gonna be over thinking things, blah, blah) but it does bother me a LITTLE that they only posted this on their facebook (and have since deleted the post), as a lot of people don’t use facebook. it would have reached more people if they had posted a link to the statement on their twitter and released the statement in full on their tumblr page (also pls feel free to correct me if they did post it on their tumblr and have since deleted it! i just can’t find it rn so maybe they did? idk.) because again, it makes it look like they are hiding this and deliberately making sure that it reaches less people. the only way i found the post was going to the Alt. Press twitter and scrolling down to find the like they posted. (which i have now noticed seems to be missing from their website…)

now, i don’t really have many issues with the statement, other than the fact that the way they worded it makes it sound like mike could be allowed back in the band. “So, I have decided to take a break and step away from my position in the band..,” and, “While away from the band…” these two phrases make it sound like he will come back, which, in my opinion, is a horrible move and could seriously jeopardize their careers. 

i mean, honestly, how many parents are going to allow their kids to go to these shows now that they know the drummer has been accused of sleeping with a minor? there is seriously no fucking way my parents are letting me go to their shows, and these are two people who have loved ptv along with me for years. it just doesn’t seem appropriate to have him back when the majority of their fanbase is the age the girl he “dated” was, or younger. also, doing so would completely change the dynamic of their tours. if he’s let back in, you can kiss meet and greets and fans pulled up on stage for Bulletproof, goodbye. those things won’t happen or be acceptable anymore. 

mike is one person of a four-piece band, and he is not the lead singer. yes, it is difficult because he is vic’s brother, and he is and incredible drummer, but he is replaceable. it would be ridiculous to allow him to ruin their careers, and if he truly cares about the other three in the band, he will permanently step away from the band so as not to tarnish their reputations as well. i sincerely doubt that at this point in time he needs the money he would get from being an active member in the band, and i’m sure that they would be more than capable of working out some sort of deal where he can still make a living off of his contributions to the band.

now, for all of the shitty comments that people give in order to justify his actions:

1) i do not care if the age of consent in [INSERT RANDOM COUNTRY/STATE NAME HERE] is lower than 18. in california, where this situation took place, the legal age of consent IS 18. Maybe you disagree with that, but the law in this state clearly states that it is illegal for an adult to be engaged in sexual acts with a minor. also, the way people are raised in different countries can be completely different to how they’re raised in a place like california. not to mention that even if this is the case, it still doesn’t automatically make it right for an adult to date a teenager.

2) stop bringing up the fact that vic and danielle have a ten year age difference. yes, they met when she was 18, but she was of age, and they weren’t in a committed relationship until she was twenty. this argument is void. next,

3) why would this girl be bringing this to light solely because she was jealous of him and was upset that their relationship had ended? wouldn’t she have done that as soon as they had ended things? also, how would she have known that they’d be at the height of their career right now? did you truly believe that 10 years ago, she thought to herself, “in 10 years i’ll get back at him for breaking my heart because that’s when they’re be really big” ??? like, they would have broken up around the time that their second album was coming out, and they were nowhere near the level of fame they are now. how was she to know that they’d be bigger than just some little local band who were barely making a name for themselves? come on.

4) you can support the band without supporting mike. they are not less of a band without him and they should not be reduced to having to live with his actions haunting them. supporting the other members of the band doesn’t automatically mean that you condone Mike’s actions. but it also doesn’t make you less any of a fan to not want him back. 

5) i dont care if you were 14 when you started dating your 20 year old boyfriend or whatever and so you think this was okay. it’s not and i’m sorry that your adult partner thinks it’s cool to date kids.

6) no, i do not believe that he is some evil, horrible, monster of a person. but i still don’t want him back in the band. he did something incredibly irresponsible and damaging some time ago, and these are his consequences. i believe that what he did was wrong, and i do not want him back. there is not changing my mind on this and if he is allowed back, i can no longer support the band. it breaks my heart to even think about that, but that is the way it has to be for me. here’s to hoping that it doesn’t have to come to that, but only time will tell. 

[chanelmoon4]

june 27 2017

mms update on ppl stuff I guess. I rather not have my journals be about ppl but hey you can't avoid them. Like I said before hopefully ill have time to refer back to my past and talk about what has happen then because having children, being married, having a divorce and just changing my views about life is a lot and view important to me. Never really though I was a person tell all that happen to me. So grateful for it even though I wish it could have all been different

I had such a huge journal entry just stilling on my laptop then it had to freeze on me so ill try to cap up some things that have happen. It’s just not quite the same real calling memories after they have happened. When its fresh its the best. Then can tamper you emotions currently and make you type it different. Regardless it paints some kind of picture. 

Lets start with Jake because I just know I need him gone.. Still wish I could be fiends with him but ya you just gotta learn to stay away from people that ultimately bring you down. You can't change ppl and you should try to. He likes where he's at too much and I'm not going to try and open his mind to know things. I've already done what I can with him. But I guess that why you meet half the ppl you do you. You somehow help each other in big or small ways and be on you way when it’s all said and done. Sad, but the more it happens to you the more you just let it happen and appreciate what is.  I kept thinking we would naturally break off because he just always wanted to hang at his house sharing a room with his brother. But then his brother moved out and then it just became easier that way. It was cool but just still didn't help are stagnant communication. Half the time I just listen to the only things he knows and likes to talk about his fabricating work, car stuff and his x girlfriends being still about stuff not letting him see his sons. I like that he talks a lot actually but it was just so limited and so much opened up anger in him its just overwhelming. I can't blame him though both of the girls he has babies with complete crazies just not letting him see then just because there relationship went south. He works, he well doesn't drink anymore. Anyways those girls don't have room to talk because they have partied as well. Anyways lets get to the recent stiff. I hung out with him one night ya and this night we smoked. (Haven’t been doing anything like that but the opportunity arrived. my view about greens is wish washy I can live without it but its nice to have every blue moon. for now I'm going to keep it that way and I don't fee bad about it because its not controlling my life.) Then we got into this weird conversation about his x girlfriend with his kid Camille( uhhhhhhh and this is how me and Jake know each other from the past. actually embarrassing to say if I had to explain this to some one :( but she was one of my one and my best friend for a long time. there can be a whole book about her in my life but ill say one thing about her the try and make this shorter she is crazy. she. is. crazy! had a lot of boyfriends and kind what got me on a bad path. also went crazy on the end and had sex with my husband......... I didn't know tell about six months ago.... man I should do a journal entry about this but crap... k so ya anywise we broke off are friend ship around when link was one and haven't or will never talk to her sense) k! So ya Jake stated talking bout her and just problems and its awe all normal but then started saying g maybe she's only being crazy mean cause she still likes him and wants him to suffer rescue it dint work out and she has to live seeing him because they have a kid together now. Soooooo ya it got way weird and eventually I told him to stop and then rest of the night was weird. We have like a little text fight about it. Having him claim that it was about his son and that he was angry about that and all that. He somewhere inside would take that crazy girl back. Just the other day I was talking to ppl at work about relationships where this girl was talking about how her x would start talking bout other girls inform of her and how there were great or complicated. If your speaking about other ppl when your in a relationship then you mind isn't in the right spot and your setting yourself up to cheat. It’s been about 5 days we haven't even texted. Today he hit me up saying he was sorry and it was all about his some and trying to find a reason for her craziness. And I understand I would do the same in his position he is in just trying to figure out what’s going on in that crazy girls mind. I told him I need more space basically and left it as that. There’s more to all this but I'm summing up the best I can and without fixing all this grammar just to comfort myself about the five year old language I'm spitting out. (Quickly spitting out) I want space so we will see how long this last. He’s got anger problems so I know what he said wasn't meaningful. He wants to get back to kissing and such. Way over that. I could see me hanging out with him a time or to in the future before school starts but I really just need him to be gone. I hope I can be strong enough. 

Ok mmm next is Jordan. Noting with him ha. Just hung out another time exchanged book had some good talk and that was it. He’s moving to st George and saw him at the pool once with a chick.. So that was kind of weird. He said he had a lesbian friend so that could have been her. Regardless I still didn't have enough feelings to wanna keep up with him and he the same. Let just hope I get my books back some time this fall

k. Damn it I'm going to try and be super honest with this section even though I don’t want to be now cause I gave some stupid hint on twitter that I was going got put shit on twitter so now I'm constantly scared that he did find this tumbler and could just crush my sole. He could expose this to ppl. He could think I'm a freak. I just don't know and now its really kinda sucks. But oh well. Regardless you can get away from ppl really easily and never see then again. I hardly ever see him anyway ( yay ready to make mistakes) I'm not really sure where to start sense my normal entry gets deleted. But he went to Scotland. I think he had a snap post or two that were suggestive. (Could have been to anyone) one I think was hi going on in his jeep alone with a song from Taylor swift saying “all you had to do was stay and a snap f sunset. Idk whey I think something with a sunset. I think that one I'm overanalyzing. (you gotta remember to take things into account but not also over do it. synchronicity really is everywhere but sometimes ppl accidently say things not trying to be offensive but then people end up taking it that way, that’s a really bad destructive habit!... so usually I just try and look for synchronicity but only the good ones. if it can come off as bad I just try to disregard it for the most part. idk... sometimes I do take things that he's trying to tell me he doesn't like me and signs that he doesn't but with him its different clue I think he knows the game or whatever bull crap and is just trying to tell me in some way. who know idk idk  but anyways I love looking of the good signs in life and try not to get offensive less I feel its clear enough.. idk ) then shortly after sends a snap saying he's like on a lonely road by himself or something. I decided to respond and to invite him to this movie night thing with ppl from the pool and just said “don't make it too lonely.” then asked him to come to wonder women the next night. Surprisingly he said he could and that was good but a shocker. Just because I'm too chicken to ask him on that date date thing. I'm calling that night are date thing so it can be over with? :S soooooo weeewh there’s a lot I could say about the wonder women movies that was like super crazy synchronized with I guess a thingy we have? Like so much! It was awesome but god there’s something fucked up with me it was like hitting me in the face but yet I was not satisfied...!!! And if its still not making my bell completely ring I'm sure its not at all for him :///(I think I'm just angry I can just get alone time with I'm and don't know what’s going on) it was still way cool to see him. He tried bringing up this stuff about energy everywhere. 1 her want to talk more about it with me. 2 he's teasing me.idk. I wish I would have been more social with him but I have such a hard time singling jarred out for a long time with other people around us. It would just make it obvious and we were around work people. He coming back to work this fall and ya I just don't need people thinking I really like him. ( ah I hats saying that I like him. I like what I see and what might not completely mesh with him I still find so adorable..... I really really hope he thinks the same for me and not just a weird girl he can't avoid and doesn't want to be rude too. Sometimes I wish he would be just so I can really know. should be clear enough tho.. he's not talking to me lol oh well)  so it was kinda stupid to finally invite him to hang out and have it with people from work. At one point before we walked into the theater are eyes met form a distant and we both and the super anxious look on are face. It was great! He openly said “sorry texting my family in a group text” that was kinda random and kinda a sign that he's not seeing anyone but who knows. Right as we walked into the theater I have know idea fucking why but I said under my breath not even thinking about anything in particular and he was near me “man I'm no good at this” and he did say something back it was strange and I feet like Emily heard. He said something like “don't worry about or neither am I” gaaaaaaahhh! Fucking shisdkfjsldkfj ha idk so trying to fast forward. We sat next to eachother and I forgot how ackward it is to sit next to people or a ton of people for that matter. Made me so anxious especially because I love snuggling in a theater and more used to that if I ever go. He moved his hand a lot but not in one of those stupid obvious positions waiting to be held. I wanted to um feel his energy more sting next to him more but there were too many distractions to decipher. I had my hands crossed really like the whole time. Again we were next to everyone from work I just couldn’t let them find out! It was so great seeing so many things unfold in that movies that correlated to him and I though! There seemed to be a lot but I really am not going to go through the whole move about it. I'm just going to watch it again when it comes out on DVD. The movies ended we all ackwardly walked out I was tired as shit at the time cause it was past 12. Talked bout some stuff about it and all went home. 

 (I need more paragraphs. so here’s one lol.) I've never had so much synchronicity show up in a crush like this ever I just like gotta like just like idk know and just give what I can idk idk.mad but I've been so so salty lately like really I was hitting a low then. Work had made me way more aggressive then I've ever been I really hate it. I don't want to be an angry aggressive person or overly dominate. But I'm afraid my surroundings have made me so ://////// I'm trying not to think about that to much and just think that its good for me to practice this and that I've been excelling at it well. The things are all of it will change soon enough with school this fall. I know ill be focus on other things and it will just keep changed. Especially if I quit my job this fall or winter. So back to captain it up with Jared. I've been so less centered again and so I think I had this small/ big peak of scarification with that movie that quickly faded right after it. Usually if anything happens between us I'm like back to liking him call over again. This time I just got just more frustrated. Probably because it was all another wonderful fantasy and not something that happened in real life that I could say we both experienced. I. Just. Want. To make things happen between us so I can have clarity that we are going to be friends or try for something more or just clear cut no so I can get the hell was form the pool and focus a little better. I waaaant that. Fucking shit! This person just fucked my brain up from stuff from the past or something and it’s just so easy to get sucked back into it. So I just need to get closer to this man or remove myself completely. Trying not to get angry about it. But ya so far he's just being a floater boy when I need answers. But the more I push the more I know going to make the answer no. It probably is a no anyways. I'm sure I'm annoying. I used to be cooler trust me. I swear ppl around u influence you so much and when I was reading more not around crazies at the pool. idk.... oh and really think I shouldn't have done this because I'm sure it passed him off.... if he even checks. I deleted all my tweets and hoping to plan to not tweet any more. or for a really really long time. I'm level headed I am. This just weird thing going on its just hard to communicate things and just make it look like crazy move. Hope I didn't fuck it up. Also were being stupid and sent music snaps that made it look like I didn't give a crap. I'm so mean!!!!! Seriously been so salty. ugh :(

Still get on tinder occasionally. I get likes of really cute looking guys on there to match up with frankly. Lots of them are just too far away or I just get scared and do not want to take the work to get to know new ppl. Plus I just HATE texting people long distance or just having got to know you bull crap on it. I rather have people come into my life. I just end up taking to people a few times then ignore them tell it stops. Oh well. I sorta like it that way anyway but I'm still looking and that’s good I guess. I just focus on one person at a time. that just kinda my thing its hard to get attached to several men and i do not like doing that. thats not what my life is all about attracting as many as i can like that! 

gosh this was a lot and still not a lot i didn't ever get to say about what I've been learning lately in my books. not to mention i had a logged mediation finally. and holly shit i got soon much crap bit up in me its crazy. really you get keep up with that crap because you pick up negative crap from everywhere and hold in in you forever! i deeply feel if i can just get back to the real me things will work out better know matter what it is. I really need to find myself and be even more stable if anything in my life is going to go my way or if I'm going to be able to give myself to Jared/or any man. I really am quite a stable person, always have been. So it’s really frustrating for me to be stuck into something like this. Wish he could see that or that I could show him things that have helped me... but that’s only if you believe in that stuff. Or let you mind wander there enough to see truths in it.  Knowledge truly is power... and takes a lot of responsibility to keep it...

 Another things ill quickly say cause I've been spending way too much time on this one and I going over to my sisters tonight, 5 http has help me with my speech problem and is also a mood enhancer. I think I want stop taking it though because it’s like fix that seems like permanently but I'm more aggressive from it and almost more anxious... mother f. I probably should stop experimenting with things cause sometimes it really does backfire and isn't helpful but you know what if you don't try you will never know and there are so many things that I was scared to try or ppl would think is pointless/weird that ended up being awesome! The 5 http hasn't screwed with me that much but I learned form it and know it’s not a thing to take when your brain is already back to normal. Its thing to take if you actually are having depression had a car accident, addiction problems things like that. I took it and it seems to fix my problem but now its not helpful cause I back to normal and it’s overloading my brain.  Also I found that one way to clean your entry is to take a bath with sea salt and baking soda and ya i can't pretty much say it seem like its cleans out you aura layers. But you must go in the sun afterwards. Cause it will also deplete you. I did it this morning and really everything was just so clear.... but it was bad to go to work right after. I freake’n sucked everything up :((that like my biggest problem somehow I absorbs everything weather its good or bad. for me seems like I just need to say clear of things. man I'm just hurting myself so much. holding onto a guy that doesn't even have strong feelings for me touring myself staying in all these toxic environments waiting on a silly dream that I don't know if I want anymore or will want when it all comes down to it. ..... and for some reason I just keep doing it. sheesh it must be for some reason. just a little longer and this thing lingering behind me will be all gone or unraveled.

Holly crap this one is huge. Ill spell check it for now and re read it later. lol it will be interesting to see all the stagnant sentences I've created.