#anyway dazai can't drive and he's a freak

[yayll]

~ a little something about Dazai and his tantrums ~

"... Hmph. I hope you crash this car and we both die."

The moody brunet mutters under his breath as he looks out of the car window, his arms crossed over his chest, refusing to look at you. He was awfully cute whenever he did this, and oh so vexing at the same time. You learned to acclimate to this very early into your relationship with him.

"What? All I said was that I was going to be driving us, Osamu!"

Your laugh is light hearted as you focus on the road ahead, dismissing his whiny behavior for another one of his... Melodramatic performances, his co-workers once called it. He finally turns to glare at you, but a wicked glint in his narrowed eyes betrays him... You can tell he's more unserious than anything. Playful, even. And besides, he would never actually be upset with you, he just can't stop thinking up schemes to make you roll your eyes at him. Your smile alone makes his thoughts impure, shame on you!

"Yeah, well... I feel dehumanized! overlooked! neglected..." He feigns offense, sighing heavily as he slouches into the passenger seat. He places a bandaged arm over his face, groaning softly but still side eyeing you to check if you're looking at him or not.

"You do that all on your own, silly."

"Excuse me? I'm expressing my grievances and you're calling me silly? Oh, so that's what this is really about. You don't love me anymore! What a cruel beauty you are..."

He gasps, now burying his face into the crook of his elbow, pretending to weep as he mumbles incoherent nonsense about how much you mistreat him. In actuality, he was giddy as hell. You park the car, and turn to face him, a coy smile flashes on your lips.

"Nobody said anything about not loving you. Now, what can I do to fix this, Mm?"

He lifts his head up, suddenly composed and shrugging his shoulders as if nothing ever happened, speaking in a matter of fact voice that somehow deepened.

"Well, definitely don't let me drive. I don't even have a license. I'd kill us in an instant."

"... Then why argue about it?!"

"Because you look so beautiful when you're yelling at me. And you make me feel alive. Anddd, because I'm bored~"

He flashes you a cheeky grin, it's dreamy and sickening. His eyes twinkle with mischief as he leans over the seat and flicks away a stray hair from your face. Dazai then taps the tip of your nose, slowly dragging his finger down to your plush bottom lip, gently flipping it over to expose your teeth. The pad of his finger gently swirls against your canines, and finally, retreats... He knows there's a time and place for his worship prodding. His eyes travel back up to yours, and you can swear they look darker than usual. If only the Port Mafia could see what became of the Demon Prodigy... A new man reborn! A man who loves!

The rest of the day is spent with you indulging Dazai, something along the lines of 'reparations' is what he calls it. Only he knows how much it means to him that you can handle him during his calculated outbursts... or rather harmless tests to prove you won't leave him at the first sign of trouble. He needs you to be in it for the longhaul, just like he is. It's deceptive, but no one has to know! He just loves you and these are simply counter measures. You'd probably call him selfish, but as long as you call him at all, he doesn't give a shit. Because in the grand scheme of things, he really can't drive, and you two are inevitably endgame.

You're the ball, and he's your chain.

[heartberrydog]

OK but sorry for the spamming but!!!!!!!

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The violence an extension of love, and the hunger an extension of both and they can never be fully satiated until they consume EVERYTHING, but they CAN'T so they go for the next best thing, and-

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It's okay! I'm normal about this! Totally normal thinking about Chuuya tearing flesh with his teeth, the feelings he'd have of doing that. I'm normal thinking of how Dazai may have gotten the idea in the first place, I imagine Chuuya in a fight, his limbs incapacitated SOMEHOW and deciding to fucking bite the face off his opponent or something and I imagine Dazai seeing that and just feeling like the ground opened under him while seeing the half feral smile on Chuuya as he keeps on fighting and I imagine the aftermath where what he did fully sinks in and Chuuya is alarmed at himself for doing something like that and enjoying that kind of violence and it's not that he just wants to eat people and he was, in fact, disgusted but when that urge, that itch in his teeth comes around Dazai it lowkey terrifies him but Dazai knows it and accepts it and WANTS IT EVEN DAMN IT PLEASE AND-

I am.

Unwell.

God.

Okay, this was the last one, I'm not even making sense anymore I'm just. Gonna go lay down. Forever.

God I'm shaking-

This ask is actually driving me insane. I’m so abnormal. Dear UNIVERSE 🙇‍♀️

I’m loving these so much shsjsb <3

THAT IDEA JUST MAKES ME SO

SHSJSBSJSBSJSBSJASJ AHSVSJSVSISH!!!

I now have like. What? Two? Three? Cannibalism fics to write…?? Do I merge them into a two-chaptered fic bc the premises are close enough together that I’d feel weird making them separate, and especially if I happen to post the fics consecutively???? Sighh

I have like a million fics I need to work on 😭😭 AND one of them is already chaptered… Truly suffering from success. Too much idea, not enough time 😔

ANYWAY YEYSYEYSYSUDGEHDJEH I love that idea so fucking MUCH 🙏💕💕 Maybe they get kidnapped or smth and their hands are bound together so Tainted is nullified and Chuuya just starts fucking trying to bite the guy when he gets too close 💀 And then when they manage to get out of the restraints and are fighting the captors, he’s done it so much that it becomes reflex even when his limbs are unbound… It probably only happens once because he’d probably think something like “Wait. I don’t need to do this anymore. Right 😭” but the damage is already done and Dazai is losing his fucking mind.

And ofc they have freak sex after this, BUT Chuuya thinks whatever he just awakened in Dazai (in both of them, really) is strictly limited to biting, but then after some time (probably in a 2nd chapter) they go to that restaurant from that other ask and Dazai is paying SPECIAL attention to the way Chuuya eats because that moment is still in the back of his head….. And Chuuya’s all like “?????? What is it this time you freak 😒” and Dazai’s like “👉👈 Has Chuuya ever thought about eating me………..”

Then Chuuya can barely wait to get home to JUMP him lmao. Cue INSANE cannibalism role-play 😍

And then I can probably make that other idea with the bondage and everything into either a different fic or a 3rd chapter, because it would necessitate some actual talking and setting up which they (Dazai) definitely don’t have the patience for here…

I’m not editing this. Have a glimpse into my shithole of a story-making process (talking to someone about the idea until it makes Sense) 🌷

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH AHSJDBSJ ♡(˃͈ દ ˂͈ ༶ )

Have an absolutely lovely day!!! 💓💕 And thank you for the ask! ���‍♀️🎀

[knockyasocksoff2022]

Ideal No. 7

(1,156 Words)

I stayed up late washing Yozo but to sleep in would ruin my entire day's schedule so I force myself out of bed with a yawn. 

Yozo yowls as I dress as if she knows I'm leaving.

When I grab my keys she bites my trouser leg, meowing for me to stay. At least someone wants me.

"No, sorry, Yozo, I have to go to work. I'll buy you some food on the way home okay." It occurs to me that talking to a cat is unnecessary only after I've said the words, but I swear Yozo nods her head in understanding.

I let her out onto the sun porch so she won't claw my furniture while I'm away.

-

I clock into the office an hour before office hours technically begin so there's usually no traffic, and today's much the same. I call the veterinarian and book an appointment for this evening as I drive.

-

I breathe deeply before I get out of my car, steeling myself for the mountain of paperwork awaiting me, most of it Dazai's. He's seemed more manic lately, I wonder if something happened?

-

When I get to our floor I lean against the door while I get my key and it shifts under my weight. Ah, Haruno-san must have come in early.

I walk to my desk and sit down. It takes my tired brain too long to realise what's missing: the pile of paperwork has been more than halved. I'm now aware of the scratching sound of a pen on paper behind me. The desk behind me is Dazai's, but that can't be. This was supposed to be my time! Then again, it can't be Dazai because Dazai doing paperwork would mean the world is ending.

(A/N: Flashback to that one WAN chapter)

But who else could it, anyone else would've greeted me as I came in. Dazai usually would, with an obnoxiously loud "GOOD MORNING!!!" but I'm quiet so maybe he didn't hear me come in?

Damn, this fool is determined! If I thought he was doing this to chase my affection I would only love him all the more, but I have no such illusions. 

I turn around to assess the bandaged man, he looks up as if just having noticed me, our gazes connect for a second then he looks back to the form on his desk. There's a stack of paper on his desk, the ones missing from my desk. I want to thank him, I know I shouldn't have to, this is his job after all, but I want to.

I shouldn't be worried by something as simple as him working but I am, is he having some sort of depressive episode and this is the only thing he can do for the boredom?

But I don't ask for the same reasons I always stay silent. I feel selfish for a moment, "If you really loved him Doppo," a voice in the back of my head says, "You'd ask or at least bring your concerns to someone.)

But I'm just too afraid that I'll be wrong and he'll think I'm a freak for watching him so closely.

This is better anyway, if he's not paying attention to me I don't have to pay attention to him.

-

For the first time since Dazai joined the agency, I work in peace and silence without a single interruption.

Well, that's not true.

Atsushi comes up to me while I'm working through lunch break, trying to make the most of this calm while it lasts.

"Kunikida-san, you really don't think this is creepy, or weird, or anything?"

I shake my head, still typing, "No, if he's decided to fix himself then why should I complain? If I were you I'd take advantage of this, we don't know how long it will last."

"True," he says and goes to join Kyouka and Kenji for lunch at Kenji's desk.

I know my words were a bit cruel. I shouldn't doubt his resolve to change, and I wouldn't, if this were anyone else, but it's Dazai so this will be over by the end of the week at most. I'm not going to enjoy the return of the loud clown, I most definitely won't. It will be most inconvenient. 

Part of me wonders if he's actually trying to change. But why now, after all this time? I know he needs to change. he's a suicidal alcoholic, hardly eats, flirts shamelessly with women, he's loud and jokes about inappropriate things, and lord knows he hasn't washed his hair in days. 

But a small part of me hopes that he doesn't get rid completely of his current personality. Despite everything I know to be proper, I find myself drawn to the loud and wild of him. I only wished it wasn't caused by his need to cover up whatever he's under there. Will his personal makeover take that away?

I'm not sure how I'd react to his new personality? Will it fit him? I can't imagine him anything except like he is now. Is Dazai planning never to speak to me again, to anyone? I don't know what I'd do with a robotic coworker, I'd always imagined I'd work well with someone as dedicated as myself but since it's Dazai surely we'd clash.

What's triggered this sudden change?

And here I go again, worrying about Dazai when it's none of my business. He wouldn't want me analysing him like this, paying so much attention. I'm not his mother! Honestly, it's pathetic.

He's fine (he's never fine) there's nothing wrong (something is very wrong) he doesn't want me or my attention. I will stop all of this nonsense mind my business and move on with my life like I've been telling myself I will. I have to.

-

More than happy with my productivity, I say goodbye to everyone as I clock out.

-

When I get home Yozo is waiting for me at the screen door. She jumps up and down acting more like a dog, she can surely already smell the cat food I bought her on the way home.

"You can eat after we see the veterinarian."

She yowls in protest.

-

The veterinarian is a nice woman. She examines Yozo and declares her to be healthy on the outside but says they'll have to keep her to give her vaccinations and do the necessary tests for diseases common in outdoor cats.

I pat Yozo on the head goodbye and make the payments at the front desk.

The drive back home is quiet but I've had enough quiet today so I turn on the radio. Some pop music blasts out at a volume that's probably much higher than is good for me but I can't make myself turn it down. So I just drive. I can't understand the words because they're in English but my lack of understanding doesn't make the beat any different. The sun is setting in the sky, I keep driving letting the sun set and the song wash over me.

(A/N: The song that came on the radio is Dover Beach by Baby Queen.)

IDEALS [kunikidazai]

(A/N: I've been palying around with ship names for these two and came up with Ideal Human because together these two make one perfectly functioning person. Kind of like how Tachizaki is Midwinter Snow because if their abilities)

SUMMARY:

Dazai Osamu is the farthest possible thing from the ideal woman Kunikida Doppo has written so much about in his notebook.

And yet . . . Kunikida is hoplessly in love with him anyway. Kunikida doesn't belive he has a chance with his coworker, I mean, have you seen the way he flirts with women? Straight as the rulers Kunikida used to use in his maths class.

Dazai meanwhile is also inlove with uptight but still charming coworker. But how can Dazai ever come close to the woman Kunikida has in mind?

Will these two damn idiots figure their shit out or not? God, I hope they do, for all our sanity!

(Summary sponsered by Edogawa Ranpo)

Categories: angst, fluff, getting together

Warnings: N/A

Thank you to @wildroseroguefor inspiring me to write Kunikidazai for the first time. Rose has lots of Kunikida content on her blog, check it out.

[yandere-daydreams]

Chuuya and Dazai sharing the reader as double-black, and they're still in the Port Mafia, maybe? They've just finished a meeting and return to their own office, where the reader is waiting for them to take off the tracking device keeping her from leaving (it's a precaution, for when they aren't there.) It's been a long day, and they can't seem to keep their hands off her (no necessarily in a sexual way, stuff like hip-holding and the like)

I’ve been waiting to write for them!!! I think they’d have such a complicated relationship, but… the angst can wait. Let them be chaotic and soft, at least for a few minutes.

TW: Toxic Relationships, Toxic Mindsets, (Mild) Infantilization and Power Imbalances.

~

Dazai must’ve been feeling touchy, today.

You’ve never liked the contact, the closeness, how he always seemed desperate to bury his head in your neck or paw at your hip or mock the partner who couldn’t fight him, even when you’d already made your feelings on the topic more than clear. Dazai had been nice enough to let you sit on his desk, tonight, saving you the effort of standing as he clung to your waist, slotting his chest against yours and kissing at your exposed shoulder, leaving you to fiddle with the buttons of his jacket in an attempt to occupy yourself.

You’d learned not to pry him off, by now. He’d only come back clingier if you did.

Luckily, he’d always taken Chuuya a little more seriously than he took you. With a gentle tug to his collar, Chuuya forced his companion to glance up, if only momentarily. Dazai’s glare was sharp, but faded quickly, a grin soon stretching at the corners of his lips. You hated that expression, you hated seeing him happy, but if it got you away from him a few seconds sooner, he could be fucking jovial, for all you cared. “You’re scaring (Y/n), freak,” Chuuya explained, looking off to the side, never bothering to meet either of your eyes. “Let ‘em go before we have to deal with another temper tantrum.”

You cringe at the mention of your ‘tantrum’, the curses you’d thrown out having done nothing to get the bulky, black ankle-monitor off your leg, but Chuuya’d be sure to hold it over your head like he’d let you get away with murder. Dazai seemed to take it as an excuse to hold you tighter, to pull you closer, his free hand soon combing through your hair so lovingly, the act alone was sickening. “Is there anything wrong with wanting to give my sweetheart some attention? I don’t think we went over that, when we agreed to share.”

At this, Chuuya crossed his arms, taking a tentative step towards Dazai’s side. “We all know you’re a fucking creep-”

“The puppy’s getting loud again,” Dazai whined, dramatically returning to the crook of your neck. You could feel him positioning himself to glance back at Chuuya, to show off how intimate he was with you, but you’d gotten used to being an accessory to their relationship. Something cute the two could throw around between them, for Dazai to hold and Chuuya to protect. More of a pet than a partner, despite how invested they seemed in keeping you around. “Nakahara’s just jealous that I’m not putting him first, don’t worry, love. We’ll take care of him when we get home, won’t we?”

It almost surprised you to be addressed directly, your shoulders pushing themselves forward defensively as you reflexively went blank, the words hitching in your throat the more you tried to force them out. “I… I’m tired, Osamu.” Your voice was meeker than you would’ve liked, quiet, submissive, Dazai’s smile pressing into your skin at the sound alone. You’d been left alone for hours in their make-shift office, with nothing to occupy your time while you were guarded by lackeys who refused to speak to you, the boredom almost worse than your exhaustion. Getting home was your only goal, and you didn’t think you were above begging for it, anymore. “I just want to head back to my apartment, for the night. I don’t think I’m up for whatever you have in mind.”

There was silence, a disgruntled disapproval of your confession, but it didn’t last for long. Chuuya’s laugh started as a chuckle, as low as it was threatening. He didn’t hesitate, this time, pushing past Dazai before leaning onto the desk’s edge, barely balancing himself before he was jerking you towards him. Thankfully, Dazai let go easily, but the kisses soon being littered across your skin while he cupped your cheeks weren’t much better than Dazai’s suffocating hold.

“Aw, our baby’s tired,” Chuuya teased, his voice barely above a mumble. Dazai caught on quickly, supporting himself on your thighs, starring far too intensely for you to be anything but uncomfortable. “We’ll have to get them to bed right away. And I don’t think we’ll have time to drive all the way to their apartment, either.”

“Absolutely not,” Dazai agreed, both knowing full-well that you lived much closer than either of them. “We should leave now, actually. Think Mori’ll still be willing to send that valet?”

They went on, making plans and using that patronizing tone, but you weren’t surprised. Chuuya was more considerate, but he didn’t care about what you wanted, not really anyway, and Dazai hardly ever tried to pretend he listened to you. In a few minutes, you’d be dragged into the back of a car that was much too big for them to be sitting that nearby, and they’d do what they wanted, regardless of what you had to say.

But, you don’t know what you expected.

Your excuses had never worked before, especially not when they were so determined.