#anyway back to thirstposting probably

[paravillintiniay]

I’m gonna make a really really long vent post and put it under a read more because I’ve had a rough month and I’m like emotionally bleeding out and I don’t know what to do so idk maybe I’ll put a bandaid on it with this maybe not

I used to think that once I became an adult that I would become independent and no longer be a chronic misser outer and not have to rely on people who clearly do not care about me or my wants as much and that I’d be able to move on, but every year that passes by it feels farther and farther from my reach and even more shameful because everyone I talk to that I can’t speak openly to (extended family, neighbors, acquaintances that I’m not close to) thinks I am like a TOTAL loser because I’m 24 and can’t drive and have never had a consistent job and didn’t go to school and have nothing going for me but I can’t just be like “yeah well my parents won’t teach me to drive and I have to beg my mom for weeks to get her to take me to target when I need something and I don’t have any friends in town so what the fuck do you suggest I do” because it’s kind of a hostile trauma dump but also to them the answer is simple it’s just “take some initiative, stop being lazy” but no one ever taught me how to do that or encouraged independence and every time I ever did take initiative I would get shot down. They don’t get that my parents are so controlling that I CAN’T just Uber to the dmv and get my license because the consequences to that are great, and we don’t have public transit and our community isn’t walkable so I can’t just walk to a job.

Eventually I developed a sort of apathy as a defense mechanism and I just stopped caring about anything because caring about things only meant that I’d be disappointed but the problem is apathy only gets you so far because then people think they can walk all over you.

I just want to feel important. Not to my friends, I love my friends I care about my friends I know they care about me but they can only do so much from several states away. I want my family to care about me, but when my birthday fell on Mother’s Day we all decided “oh yeah we aren’t going to do anything because all the restaurants will be crowded” so instead *my mom and I* spent 2.5 hours cooking lunch, then my brother showed up 2.5 hours later than he said he would with his kids, handed me a card with a visa giftcard in it, and we all sat on the couch not doing anything with the tv off for a few hours not doing anything. I asked if he wanted to go to a concert with me and he blew me off. Then he left. The original plan was to instead go out on monday (Mother’s Day was on sunday) and take me to the book store and run some errands but my mom told me Sunday night “I’m really tired let’s do Tuesday” and then Tuesday night came and I asked if we could do Wednesday and my mom was like “well (grandma) has a thing on Thursday and dad has a thing on Friday and we had a thing we were going to do this weekend” so I said “oh so Wednesday is the only day that works huh?” To which the response was “we’ll see.” We did not go to the book store on Wednesday. We still have not gone to the book store a week later and of course, the ENTIRE week this week just has to be sooo busy we just caaaant make time. I’m tired of having to beg my mommy to spend at most two hours of her time doing something for me. I’m tired of her making it a big deal when I need or want to go somewhere when she’s the one who never taught me to drive. I made my own birthday cake. I just want to feel important. I just. Want to feel like I matter. That isn’t even touching on the fact that one of my brothers completely forgot/didn’t acknowledge my birthday. Thanks man. It’s not even the birthday that gets to me because I don’t expect anything it’s just the fact that they ASK me what I want to do and when I tell them they blow me off or ignore me or do something else that directly inconveniences me. I just want to feel like I matter. Like my wants and needs are valid.

I want to be independent. I’m tired of being a chronic misser outter I’m tired of not being able to do fun things just because no one wants to do them with me and I don’t have the means to do them by myself. It’s gotten to the point where everyone I know is moving on in life without me in so many important life milestone ways and I know it’s only a matter of time before I am simply alone. Before no one has time for me because that’s a natural part of life, you grow up you get a job you get married have kids but not for me. Never for me.

And you know what? My nephew was born late last year and I feel so much guilt for saying this because I love him so much but FUCK that kid. Everyone in my family forgot to be a there for me but now there’s a baby 🥺🥺🥺 he need so much love and time and attention 🥺🥺 you’ve had so many holidays and birthdays April you can be selfless and sacrifice for him 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I’m a grandparent now so I’m gonna drop everythinf whenever your brother asks and spend time with my grandbaby 🥺🥺🥺🥺 but what about ME? when am I going to get the support that I need? On top of not having very many friends or a support system I now no longer have my older brother to hang out with and go see movies or concerts with sometimes and it just. Sucks. I’m so tired.

I said the other day that my mental health feels like when you’re playing a survival game and you’re starving so the screen starts flashing and shaking and your health is constantly ticking down and you don’t have any food so you keep slapping bandages on to try to keep yourself alive until you can find food but you only ever find scraps and berries that keep you sustained for about 30 seconds before you’re starving and dying again. I can hang out with my friends and be happy and joyful but the second that’s over I’m back to bleeding out. Every time my parents rush to the aid of someone else and blow me off is like a stab to the gut. Every time my parents say “it’s the weekend I’m not leaving the house” but are just SOOOO busy during the week they can’t help me with what I need. Every time I miss something that’s important to me and time sensitive just because I can’t drive. I don’t know how to keep going. I’m tired of feeling like such a loser all the time. I just. Want. To feel. Important.

[prismatic-starstuff]

i Need to go to sleep or i'm just gonna keep thirstposting over messmer,,, goodnight dearies :3

[harrycollins]

I know someone from larian is here on tumblr, I know them personally. I'll not give more info because privacy but they watch the tags often. they aren't writing team though but that is all I'll say but I bet they saw what we all post here. hell, they saw me say I wanted astarion to suck me dry like a caprisun pack probably, I hope not but they probably did.

I am aware that Larian is most likely watching the tags since tumblr was the main source of Halsin thirstposting back in 2020 and your comment about them inspiring bearfucking from my post might be true as well... I just don't want to accept the last part 😭

anyway if they are watching if they also can make Enver Gortash as a romanceable ch-

[lovemars]

hm. time to psychoanalyze myself i think. cw traumadumping cw long ass post cw oversharing 😭

the srs cws are talk of sex and stuff but in a sad way not a horny way, sa, men on the internet being gross, bad coping mechanisms, etc

like. idk. i was thinking abt this last night and now im thinking abt it more and like. i feel like. the way i appear in headspace and stuff is just. completely based after. OH MY GOD SOFT BOY CAME OUT? um. sorry it just came on shuffle. ANYWAY. 😭. i feel like how i appear and everything is just based off of like our brain trying to be attractive to- well men mostly. other genders nd stuff but mostly men Specifically cis men. and like. literally none of us actively want to have cis (esp cishet) men attracted to us ❤️. but its like, i know Why like i know its cuz one of my roles is a sexual alter and our brain made us appear the way we do in headspace as part of it trying to keep us safe etcetc WHATEVER i dont care 🫶. like. i literally even- like for instance when we were dating our ex i remember trying to like. be attractive to her and make her like me/us even tho like. i was uncomfortable as fuck and like. i did the same with redacted from irl and just didnt set boundaries at all- no thats not true we definitely did set boundaries. i was just bad at enforcing them- i guess cuz i was like. idk completely lost in this mindset of like, not being able to say no and not feeling safe and feeling like it was my only purpose inguess?

and then like- i also feel like. imean i dont really get the love languages thing but if i had to pick one it would definitsly be words of affirmation and like- i feel like. okay 😭. im not a good person by. whoever the fuck uhh. pat the bunny i think? plays in the background. like for years and by for years i mean ever since 4 days after i turned 18. my thing had been like. posting on reddit . in various subreddits that like, Well the men in them are not very nice to me or to women . and like. i feel like that ties back to the words of affirmation thing cuz i was like intentionally seeking out people who would hurt me (<- which also ties into being a persecutor). and i dont do it anymore because months in the getalong shirt with nik made me feel bad abt it 😭 and then i started to realize that i like when people are nice to me actually. and then i was like Huh maybe tjats not super healthy for me probably. (it is not). well and thats the reason im banned (by nik) from reddit and sex with cis people forever.

but like. 😭 SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. writing a damn novel here. ANYWAYYYY. the whole posting images on reddit dot com -> talk to creepy men on reddit dot com -> intense self hatred and shame -> nik fronts and freaks out and deletes everything -> i feel bad -> i do it again next time i feel like making myself feel terrible on purpose for fun Spiral. like. ive spent all this time gojng down that spiral and now its like. bro i jusr want someone to be nice to me. like i spent ages convincing myself that actually i didnt care abt the shit those men were sayinh & that i liked it and now im like. i literally dont. like. i dont wabt someone ive never spoken to who didnt even say hi or ask what im ok with to say like. waves hand. stuff im not repeating just make up something genuinely disgusting and a bit terrifying and ive probably heard it. and now i dont even KNOW like. what i want i guess. idek my sexuality cuz ive never bothered to think abt what i want cuz i was too focused on what people i dont like/am scared of/etc to think abt how i felt. which in retrospect. bad and scared and. etc.

anyway. idk its just dawned on me the other night how much of who i am is wrapped up in how much i want everyone to like me all thw time and also how much i dont like myself. and like im working on it. and if working on it means thinking about drm from minecraft youtube ******* ** ** ***** so be it i guess 😭. idk man if nik can read dr*amnotnap fic and call it coping i can thirstpost abt drm in my head. idk.

ig im just. now that im able to be more normal and rational and stuff im able to see like. damn i was really bad at dealing with my emotions and tried to do that in ways that were not healthy for me or anyone else. and now all my sense of. who i am is wrapped up in that i guess. which sucks. and im working on it . SLOWLY! but im working on it

tldr: damn this guy should probably talk to a therapist abt all this shouldnt he. well thats okay at least hes hot

[wri0thesley]

a lot more ppl sent me very lovely messages and i don’t want to spam dashes OR ignore them so i’m replying to them in a batch below the read more!:

jellyluchi said: idk what those anons are on but I'm really glad you're writing for a different media I don't see a lot of jjk content so seeing it on my dash is great! plus it's your blog so you should be able to able to write whatever you want! you're not betraying anyone for writing stuff you like

tysm sid!!! i love jojo and i will probably not be abandoning it but people forget i’ve been here for FOUR YEARS (!) and i’m one of very few blogs still around. like. people don’t even remember the blogs that were popular when i was still writing :(. i’m just excited to have a new interest!!! <3 

Anonymous said: Nat: la squadra posts 24/7 Anon: you're basically abandoning the jojo fandom relinquish your card No but seriously, people are allowed to focus on other types of media, especially if the current fandom is waning. Not saying more people are leaving the JoJo fandom than staying, but that it's had to make do with the available content. I'd say more people (inside and outside the fandom) are more familiar with the anime, and Golden Wind ended 1-2 years ago. I'm sure once Stone Ocean comes out, the fandom will go wild again. Either way, I don't mind what you post, I just like seeing you talk so passionately

gosh it’s been so long since VA, huh? i’m still here, still working on stuff - my inspiration for jojo has just waned a little! i still love talking to you all about my husbands and your husbands. a lot of my friends are into jjk now too which means that i have people to bounce ideas off in a way i don’t as much for jojo! i’m sure when SO starts i’ll come crawling back but for now let me have a little fun! <3  also i really do still not shut up about la squadra dfbvnkjdfgn. i’ve been saying to myself i’ll publish one jojo thing and one jjk thing a day and it’s been going really well so far! 

mix-senpai said: I like to assume that the anons who say that stupid shit to you is always the same little gremlin who apparently has nothing better to do. I know you don't want people to openly riot over these anons, but honestly? You're one of the sweetest, and most friendly and accepting person I personally have ever met, so color me baffled to find that clowns like that anon would have the nerve to give you such a nasty attitude and be so rude for no reason. Like, hello? They're not the boss around here- it's not their blog it's yours to post whatever you please, they have zero say on the matter and they just have to deal with it. Keep doing you. Keep being your lovely self. And just keep doing whatever makes you happy, okay?

i block them as much as i can but i dont think it works very well fgnkjbng. as a whole i delete a lot of mean messages but honestly i’ve been expecting this one for a while which is why i bothered replying to it! tysm friend! <3

Anonymous said: 1. you still enjoy and write for jojo, you didn’t “abandon” anyone. and even if you did lose interest in jojo, that isn’t really your fault. people lose interest in things. 2. it’s YOUR blog. youre allowed to post, write, and simp over whoever you please from whatever fandom. i like jojo and jujutsu kaisen, but i also stay because i just generally like reading what you say and post because i like you, not just because i like what you can provide for me. you deserve to have followers that feel the same way, aka not that anon

the use of words like ABANDON and BETRAYAL is so funny to me honestly, this is just a thirstposting blog it’s not that deep fgbnkjgfn. thank you so much friend!! i’m glad so many people at least seem to like both, it makes me feel less bad! <3 

Anonymous said: are you seriously getting shit on just because you have interests other than jjba??? lmao how the fuck does that anon survive on tumblr 😂😂😂 one of the blogs i followed for, like, gravity falls content or something several years ago, who has since shifted their focus to posting content from numerous other fandoms, ended up putting monsterfucker content on my dash the other day because that’s just what they’re interested in right now apparently! and you know what i said about it? abso-fucking-lutely nothing because it is not my business to dictate the content they post on their blog, and if they ever start posting stuff that’s a dealbreaker for me, then i’ll just leave quietly and leave them to their business. a content creator that you followed for a certain type of content deciding to change what fandom they produce content for is not a “betrayal” or whatever, it’s just them being a human fucking person on the other side of the screen! anyway, i just wanna tell you that your writing slaps, i hope people continue to recognize that your writing slaps no matter WHAT fandom you write for, and i hope you have a fantastic time writing your funky lil heart out for jjk 💓

honestly some anons in my inboxes have WILD takes. i follow so many ppl who arent into jojo anymore but i consider them MY FRIENDS AND I LOVE THEM. i just want them to be happy! and if ppl arent happy with my content there is an unfollow button RIGHT THERE!!

Anonymous said: That anon saying they feel betrayed either copy and pasted their message or something because a few other blogs that used to be JJBA only, then branched out to multi fandom stuff, got the same if not similar messages.

yes! like i said earlier, i’ve been expecting this message for a while bc i’ve seen a lot of my mutual writer friends get it. as a whole, i delete a lot of mean messages instead of replying, but i felt like this one might come up again so i wanted to nip in the bud so to speak! <3 

Anonymous said: honestly, nat after over a year of being stuck inside and not being able to see my friends or do very much, it honestly just feels NICE to be excited about something with other people! i will ALWAYS love jojo but thank you so much for turning me on to jjk!! my partner and i were also in kind of an anime rut and hadn't watched a new series together in months but we are both enjoying it immensely 💖

AHH i hope you are the same anon who messaged me about it before because i am so happy that you are enjoying it!!! i convinced haz to watch jjk too and now we’re both having a very good time (she just got up to date with the manga!). it’s so nice sharing things you care about with people!