#anyway I’m really happy for Taylor now because she just seems so fulfilled

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

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[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: Kismet {8}

Henry Cavill x Famous OFC Aliya Taylor

Warning: Plot, Tiny Slow Burn, Mild Cursing, Dialogue Heavy, POV Changes, Small Time Jumps

Words: 6.6k

Summary: Aliya is a singer turned model turned actress. Since she was fifteen, she’s been creating her empire in the entertainment world. As the daughter of a famous fashion model/designer and Hollywood director, you’d think life is easy for her, but her past has been anything but easy. Due to past trauma, she’s forever changed and no longer trusts any man that is not in her family and a select few in her team. She’s sworn off love and serious relationships and has planned never to fall again, but love isn’t something that can be planned. It just happens when it’s meant to. Can Aliya outrun a love that seems hellbent on holding tight to her, a love that is Kismet?

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***Loosely Edited/Proofread***

***Interactive***

Previous Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |

-Henry-

The minute he woke the next day and the alcohol had worn off; he instantly regretted his actions. His head was pounding and his nose stuffy, which was always what the morning after a drinking fest looked and felt like for him. the pain in his head made him painfully aware of everything he’d said to you. More than half of him wished he would have just held his peace and moved on, but the other side of him—the stubborn bull side felt nothing but satisfaction from what he’d done. It was time, especially seeing that you completely had the wrong idea about who he was and his character. He couldn’t help but wonder what you thought about your conversation, but instead of dwelling on it, he decided to push it to the side and do the logical thing. Move on.

 It was now five days since that conversation, and though it felt strange the first couple of days to not send you a message when you ran across his mind, he did it and adapted. He now was throwing himself into work because there wasn’t a shortage of it. Most days, he was in pre-production for Witcher two, and that in itself was a lot of work. Production decided to kick fight choreography up a notch because last season wasn’t badass enough. The choreography this season was definitely taking it up several notches, and it meant more long hours of training and even more potential for him to be hurt.

By week two post convo, he was steadily counting down to his vacation time. Training was kicking his ass, and the more and more days that passed, the more he thought of you. That wasn’t all though, the more the way he thought of you changed. In the beginning, he thought he was infatuated or possibly obsessed. When he was around you, he always felt as if he wasn’t in control. He felt like there were forces that were controlling your interactions and pulling a starry blanket over his feelings. He expected this time away to act as a purge, but it hadn’t, not in the way he’d anticipated.

 “Come on, her name is Becca, and she’s super cute,” Alisha said.

 “Why is it that all my brother’s wives want to set me up?”

 “Because we care. You’re too great of a guy to be alone,” Halley complimented.

 They all nodded, and his eldest brother painfully squeezed his cheek.

 “Plus, look at this face,” Nik teased, making all of them elate.

 It had been like this since they were kids. Nothing had changed.

 “I’m perfectly fine being alone,” he answered.

 “Doesn’t mean you should be,” Amee piped out.

 No matter what, he said it wouldn’t be good enough until he gave them what they wanted. He had no intention of doing it, though. He wasn’t sure if it was really his loathing of being set up or because he didn’t want to pretend to want anyone else. Whatever it was, it had him declining to their annoyance. He could stick it out for the next two weeks until he got out of London.

  -Aliya-

“You fucked up, plain and simple,” Amaya blurted out as she flipped through a magazine.

 You rolled your eyes and tried to continue writing notes to the song you’d just wrote. As sure as you were that it was pitch black outside, you knew she wasn’t done—not by a long shot. A minute passed in silence, but as projected, Amaya began again.

 “Just explain to me why you don’t want to be happy.” Amaya tossed the magazine aside, giving you her full attention. Still, you ignored her and kept your eyes glued to the note pad.

 “Liya, come on. At some point in your life, you’re going to have to be honest with yourself.”

 She was right. For the last few weeks, you’d spent a lot of sleepless nights doing just that. Since Henry’s call, you’d been forced to look at your situation in a light you’d ignored. It wasn’t that you were doing it maliciously. It was just easier and neater to see the worst in every situation hence the worst in people. You’d been the girl who dug deep for the best in people and only focused on that and their potential for too long. It made more sense from a survivalist standpoint to be different.

 You’d went back and forth and round and round your situation, and perhaps you were too quick to jump to conclusions. The bottom line was the things he said had affected you, more than you liked and more than you could ignore. A few days after his call, you saw his picture in The Sun. He wasn’t alone. It looked like he’d had a long night of partying. You deduced it was probably the same night he called you. Though he was obviously drunk, he still looked so damn good. In the last few weeks, you’d thought about him a lot. On several occasions, you’d taken up your phone for the sole purpose to stalk his Instagram or even scroll through your gallery to gawk at his pictures. Never though, did you attempt to call.

 The main reason was that you hated being the one in the wrong. You hated feeling like the asshole and what was worse was that you also hated apologizing. So, you bit your tongue, pushed your thoughts and emotions aside, and just hoped time would make it all fade. It didn’t.

 “Aliya!”

 Closing your notepad, you stood. “We’re going to miss the flight.”

 “Whatever! It’s a private jet. It’s your private jet.”

 You were already out of the room, which meant thankfully, you didn’t have to see her face. The drive to the private airfield was about forty-five minutes. For the entire ride, you could feel Amaya’s annoyance with you. she didn’t say one word. Instead, she kept her nose buried in her phone scrolling her life away. It was okay with you; you had plenty of work to do. Plus, you knew this wasn’t over, not by a long shot.

 Sure enough, twenty minutes into the flight to London, she was back at it. The difference between Amaya and Alicia was simple. Where Alicia liked to leave me be until she knew the perfect time to go in because she knew the perfect time would come when you would be more receptive to it, Amaya preferred to go in all the time. She was always on one hundred. You loved both your best friends dearly, and they both spoke to different sides of you, but sometimes you wished they were wrong a lot more often than they were right.

 When you got pulled into a phone meeting, you were grateful and even more so when it lasted for almost two hours. By the time you ended the call, Amaya was napping. Though you thought the silence was what you wanted, it was a blessing in disguise. It meant you now had peace and quiet to think, and your thoughts more often than not went right to Henry.

 When you landed in London and checked into the hotel, it was after midnight. Once you’d taken a shower and answered a few emails, you popped two sleep aids in hopes they would knock you out because you needed all your energy tomorrow.

  -The Next Day-

Hectic was an understatement for how your morning and afternoon had been going. One of the great things about being you was that when you got bored with one career avenue, you had three more to distract yourself with. For the last several months, you’d been focusing on your acting career and had been able to complete two films and three guest appearances. In between acting gigs you were also able to do a few modeling events, including Fall and Spring fashion week.

 What had fallen to the wayside was your singing career. It was almost time for you to fulfill your contractual obligations by releasing another album. You’d been focusing on writing new material for the last few weeks, and tonight you were putting on one of the last stops on a mini-tour your team had planned months ago. The travel alone was killing you. You were exhausted, even more than usual. With every show, you felt your body telling you it would soon be time to slow down or stop for a few months. You needed a break.

 “I should have flown in days ago. I hate feeling like this isn’t perfect.”

 “Aliya, it’s fine,” Alicia countered.

 The perfectionist in you didn’t believe her.

 “I promise. I wouldn’t lie to you. You have to go anyway. The show is supposed to start at six; it’s already three.”

 She was right. Though you hated it, you would have to cross your fingers and hope things looked cohesive. After finishing up the last-minute wardrobe adjustments and a quick pep talk with your dancers, you made your way back to the hotel to get in a little bit of pampering before having to get back to the center for prep.

 As you laid on the table and enjoyed your deep tissue massage, you allowed the worries to float away. There was nothing you could do about it now anyway. You were also sure it was perfectly fine, and just your obsessive nature taking over. Tuning everything out, you focused on your meditative breathing. Before you knew it, it was time to get back to the center to get into wardrobe and put on a show worthy of the hundreds that were spent on tickets. You were determined to perform your ass off.

  -Henry-

He couldn’t have gotten out of tonight no matter what. He’d tried. When Charlie announced to everyone that Heather had made plans for their adults' date night, he rolled his eyes. Now that he thought of it, it was around the time that Amee tried to set him up with that woman. This was supposed to be a blind date, and since he’d declined, he was here alone while all his other brothers were snuggling up and whispering to their significant others.

 Here he was an hour and ten minutes into your show, and he’d never had more fluctuating thoughts and feelings. At first, it was surprise; then annoyance, then it transitioned into awe until it moved to arousal and admiration. Now he was stewing deep in all of them, and it was not a good look. Your voice was incredible. He’d always known how talented you were. Your stamina to dance and sing blew his mind. Then when he watched those dance moves closer, it was impossible to keep his thoughts pure. It also didn’t help that the outfits you were wearing only fueled his imagination more.

 “What’s wrong with you? You said you liked Aliya Taylor,” Amee shouted over the music.

 Plastering a smile on his face, he nodded. “Yeah, she’s great. I’m tired.” It wasn’t a complete lie.

 When you came out for the final song in a flowing low cut white gown and barefoot, he staggered backward when he envisioned you walking down a flower aisle.

 “Fucking hell!”

 All eyes snapped to him, and the curious looks on their faces only had him needing air even more.

 “I—I’m gonna get a head start to the cars.”

 Not waiting for a response, he turned and walked through the crowd, not daring to look back at you.

   -Aliya-

Amaya and Alicia laughed together at something on Amaya’s timeline. No doubt it was some picture of one of her boy toys. You sipped from your flower decorated porcelain teacup while staring out over London to the Eye. Just behind it, Big Ben stood tall and proud as it chimes for four o’clock echoed through the city. This was a city you’d spent a lot of time in thanks to your grandparents on your father’s side. Not as much time as they’d like, but there was only so much free time you had. Big Ben and the Eye were two of your favorite things about London.

 You should have been on cloud nine after another successful show and checking another thing off your extensive to-do list, but you weren’t. You felt almost as gloomy as the rolling clouds in the sky that threatened rain.

 “You seem depressed.”

 Alicia’s voice had you turning back to them you softly smiled. “I’m not.”

 “You look it,” Amaya slid home.

 Rolling your eyes, you finished your cup of tea and gently placed it on its matching saucer with a shrug. “I don’t know what to tell you then.”

 Amaya then gasped with a smile in her eyes. “I know what it is. You’re finally missing your grade A prime beef of a man.”

 Snorting, you shook your head. “Oh god. Try again.”

 “You might be right, Mya,” Leece started placed her elbows on the table to peer at you closer. “This all started the night we had dinner with him. What’s his name again?” Both of them pretended to wrack their brains to remember his name, but they knew damn well what it was.

 “Ah, Henry,” Amaya cooed, making you roll your eyes even harder.

 “Both of you stop. You’re not funny.”

 “We approve.”

 “I second that,” Alicia added.

 “What? Really?”

 “Are you kidding? Yeah. Not only is he gorgeous, like drop dead gorgeous, but he is also super nice. Throughout dinner he was very courteous and sincere. You know I’m a good people reader,” Amaya attested.

 “He’s funny, and he seemed to be genuine with his efforts to get to know Mya and me. He also was putting in effort into proving something to you.”

 Sighing, you took a few sips of your water.

 “Honestly, I couldn’t find anything wrong with him.”

 “Really? Perfection?”

 You couldn’t believe your ears. Yes, you’d suspected they liked him, but the perfect word was just uttered. It was never spoken of, not by them.

 “Pretty much,” Amaya doubled down.

 “Wow.”

 “Tell me about it. Move on that before some other chick does. He will not be single for long,” Amaya added.

 For some reason, this was the first time you’d thought about that, and you couldn’t believe it. She was right. He was gorgeous, among other things, and women already fawned over him. He wouldn’t be licking his wounds much longer. A knot formed in your gut, and a sour taste in your mouth followed. Glancing away from their penetrative gazes, you looked around the restaurant and nearly dropped the water glass when you saw Henry across the restaurant laughing. This was the first time you’d seen him in person since your breakfast in New York weeks and weeks ago, and he looked great.

Your eyes drank him up, taking their time soaking up every detail of his face, the slight stubble that decorated his chiseled jaw, his perfectly imperfect smile, his hair that fell slightly longer than you remembered. When he spoke again, you watched his mouth move and quickly got lost. You didn’t have to hear his words. You knew how he spoke them. You knew the effect his voice had. At the thought of that effect, you peeled your eyes away and tried to keep them on either Alicia, Amaya, or the table. Of course, it was impossible. Your eyes continuously found him, and it was on him they remained until you forced yourself to look away.

 “What do you keep looking at?”

 Amaya glanced around the restaurant. You knew she’d found him because when she turned to face you again, her smile was as wide as a thief's.

 “Oh ho ho, looks like fate is on mine and Leece’s side.”

 “Stop. Be cool, act natural. Don’t make a scene,” you pleaded.

 “Look at that, same place, same time, just mere feet away.”

 From the tone of her voice, you knew she was tempted to fuck with you.

 “Stop, Amaya. Don’t.”

 “Why?”

 Trying to keep your voice down and the panic from your face, you pleaded again. “Just don’t.”

 Amaya studied you for a few moments before she nodded in defeat. Relief flooded you. Though you tried, you couldn’t get your head back onto lunch and off of him no matter how you tried. The three of you left shortly after passing his table on the way out.

 Thanks to a little free time, you, Amaya, and Alicia were able to soak up some shopping in London and before getting back to the hotel for a quick change, then dinner. Even though you tried to stop thinking about Henry’s face earlier, you weren’t the least bit successful, but you played it off like everything was cool. You didn’t know if you fooled either of them, but you really didn’t care. You were so ready to get the hell out of London.

  -That Night-

Big Ben’s chime for one in the morning ringing out all around you. It was yet another night of sleeplessness. From your seat at the window, you could feel the nice breeze. It still smelled like rain, but for whatever reason, the rain was staying away. Finishing your glass of wine, you sighed out and nearly leaped out your skin when your phone rang in the quiet room.

 “Hello?”

 “What’s wrong?”

 You smiled from the unexpected sound of your gramaw’s voice. It was like the concrete gate you had around your heart that was constricting it to the point where it was challenging to breathe loosened.

 Sighing, you leaned back, reclining against the surface.

 “I think I fell in love,” you whispered.

 “In love?”

 Hearing the words said back to you made you close your eyes and shake your head.

 “Yeah, at least I think that’s what I’m feeling. I can’t sleep well, not that I could before. I feel a little depressed, and I can’t pinpoint why, but when I think about it, I feel this way when I think about him. Not to mention, I think about him all the time. Christ, I even dream about him.”

 Pausing, you glanced at your phone to find his picture there. It was the last thing you’d been looking at before tossing your phone away.

 “I truly feel like I did something wrong, like I was wrong,” you confessed.

 “Have you talked to him?”

 Hitting your head back, you groaned. “Not since he called me and told me I’m missing out on him and gave me all the reasons why I should realizing I’m missing out.”

 You couldn't help but smile at his words as you remembered them.

 “Do you feel like you’re missing out?”

 Your Gramaw always knew the right questions to ask. She was one of the few that did, one of the few that you’d even listen to. Bowing your head, you sighed again.

 “Maybe. Normally I’m sure about someone and sure that I don’t need or want them in my life, but with him—I have doubts with my snap judgment.”

 “Oh no, snap judgments are never a good thing, Aliya.”

 You groaned hearing the disappointment in her voice. “I know, jeez do I know.”

 “What do you feel like doing?”

 You scoffed, if you knew that you wouldn’t be going through this struggle.

 “I’ll be to you in a few days. I’ll see you soon.”

 “Your heart, Aliya, not your head,” she cautioned before you ended the call.

 For the next thirty or so minutes, you paced the balcony of your room as you debated with yourself over what you were going to do. After psyching yourself up as much as you could, you bit the bullet dialing Henry’s number before you talked yourself out of it. After one ring, you almost hung up but forced yourself to stick through the terror running through you. Two rings passed, then three. At the fourth you began to lower your hand to end the call and then his voice echoed through the speaker.

 “Hello?”

 You froze drawing a blank and forgetting for a moment you had a voice.

 “Hello?”

 “Hello,” you whispered.

 The rustling on his end was loud but brief.

 “Aliya?”

 Swallowing the lump, you took a deep breath. “Yeah. Hi.”

 “It’s after one in the morning. Is everything all right? Are you hurt?”

 Your heart lurched, and a soft smile spread across your lips. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m not hurt,” you assured.

 He sighed, then yawned.

 “I uh—I know it’s late or early. I know you, um, probably have something better to do than be up. I’m sorry if I woke you,” you half rushed and stuttered out.

 “You’re rambling, Aliya.” You stopped your pacing then and slapped your forehead.

 “Yes, I am. I do that when I’m nervous,” you blurted.

 “Why are you nervous?”

 Pausing, you gripped the rail on the balcony and used it to center yourself and get your nerves under control.

 “Well, I’m about to ask the man I told I wouldn’t be with to meet me somewhere at nearly two in the morning. I’m—sending major mixed signals.”

 Henry didn’t speak right away. Instead, he waited, making you chew your bottom lip as your anxiety increased.

 “Why?”

 “Wh—why? Why what?”

 “Why should I?”

 Stunned, your jaw dropped. “Oh, wow, out with the hard questions. Okay. Um—well—you should meet me because uh—it’s not often that I realize I was wrong or did something wrong and when I realize that, I like to say so.”

 Again the silence over the phone stretched for long moments. After a full minute of it, your anxiety peaked.

 “Still there?”

 Henry sighed. “I’m here. I’m thinking.”

 His voice sounded so deliciously deep. Either you had woken him, and this was his sleepy voice, or he was purposely giving you that sexy baritone.

 “By all means. Think as long as you need to. Um—I’ll be at the eye until 2:30. I um—I hope you show. If you don’t, I understand, really I do and no hard feelings.”

 Quickly you ended the call and panted as if you’d been running a marathon all in an effort to calm yourself down. It had been years since you’d put yourself through something like that, and you had a feeling it was only the beginning of you making amends.

Being Aliya Taylor afforded you some perks, and one was being able to have access to the eye well after closing. All it took was one call, well two to be exact, and voila, you were sitting in one of the cars anxiously waiting for Henry. You had no idea if he’d show, and the more and more time that passed with him not magically appearing, the more and more your brain worked overtime. The scenery helped a lot, but when you glanced at your watch and saw that it was almost 2:30, the scenery could do no more. Your nerves and anxiety had erupted like a volcano.

 “You shouldn’t be out here alone.”

 Spinning, you saw Henry at the door still on the platform. You released a relieved sigh, realizing he hadn’t stood you up.

 “Good thing I’m not—anymore.”

 Henry stepped into the car and took a few steps to you but stopped when he was still a ways away.

 “London after two is not safe,” Henry informed.

 “I know.”

 The doors closed, and the contraption began moving.

 “How in the world did you get them to open this for you?”

 Smiling, you shrugged. “I may know people in high places,” you replied, which made him smile.

“This is one of my favorite places in London,” you announced as you walked around the car, taking care not to get too close. You didn’t know if you could handle it right away, and you had to feel him out to see what his coming really meant.

 “Why?”

 “You can see all of greater London from here and out to the countryside if you really look once you’re up high.”

 Henry also walked around the car, mirroring your intentions. Neither of you came close enough to touch one another.

 “How often do you come to London?”

 “A lot. I have some family here, plus I prefer the countryside.”

 “So you have some British blood,” Henry inquired, half a question, half a statement.

 “I had to. Only the Bris would dare think to send their daughters off to finishing school,” you quipped.

 Henry’s laugh filled the car, making you smile widely. He walked to one of the many windows turning his back to you. Slowly you looked over his broad back, taking in every detail. Your fingers could still remember what the dance of his muscles felt like underneath them, and they itched to feel them dance again. Taking a deep breath, you fiddled your fingers.

 “Uh--I hope I didn’t interrupt anything important by asking you here. Like I hope I didn’t impose on—anyone.”

 You were fishing, it was obvious, and you felt no shame.

 “Eh, who needs sleep anyway. I can sleep when I’m dead,” Henry replied with a shrug of those magnificent shoulders still keeping his back to you.

 “Were um--were you uh—sleeping—alone?”

 Your heart was pounding so loudly you could swear he could hear it. He didn’t speak or turn around. He just stood there torturing you. You wondered if he knew it was sheer torture what he was doing. Did he even care? The longer he remained quiet, the more you freaked out until you decided to backtrack all the way back.

“I’m sorry. Don’t answer that. It is absolutely none of my business. I don’t even know why I asked that,” you rushed out, rubbing your forehead from embarrassment before beginning to pace the car.

 That was when Henry chose to turn around.

 “I know a woman doesn’t say something she doesn’t mean, and usually when a woman asks a question, she wants to know the answer either to prove herself right or in hopes she’s wrong. What is it for you?”

 His voice made you stop in the midst of pacing to watch his mouth as he spoke. There was something poetic about how he spoke, and it always distracted you. Nibbling your bottom lip, you thought about how to respond. You were already tired of the verbal Olympics and talking around each other.

 Sighing, you rolled your eyes. “Henry--.”

 “You know that’s the first time you’ve said my name without the word goodbye in front of it.”

 That made you snap your mouth shut. Had it?

 “That’s not true,” you protested.

 “It actually is. I was beginning to think you like saying goodbye rather than hello.”

 You took a step to him. “That’s not true. I like saying hello way more than goodbye,” you defended.

 The neutral look on his face gave you no confidence to go on, so you rolled your eyes and continued to walk around the car. This would be harder than you expected, you thought.

 “I was sleeping alone. I’ve slept alone for quite some time now,” he informed just as you were looking out of the window to the city.

 “Look, Henry, I-,” you began again, but then henry cut you off.

 “That day in New York those weeks ago, I should have plain and simply laid it out for you. I should have told you everything. I was with Francesca--.”

 “Don’t, don’t, don’t. I honestly don’t want to know.”

 “But you need to know. There is no way you can begin to trust me or begin to let yourself gravitate to me the way you’re entire being wants until you know,” Henry slid out. Pressing your palm to your abdomen, you tried to slow the butterflies that began flitting.

 “I was with Francesca for about two years. The whole time I knew she wanted a family in life. She was always vocal about her wanting to get married young and have kids. I knew, but I never paid attention to it. I was away filming something for a while, and when I came home one weekend, I caught her with someone else.”

 Your eyes widened, hearing his words.

 “turns out she was beginning a relationship with someone else, someone who she thought would lead to marriage and kids,” Henry added. His voice held steady, but you could imagine the pain going through those memories again.

 “I’m sorry.”

 Henry shook his head, “It’s not necessary. After a few months of her trying to make amends, I thought we’d try again.” He scoffed then rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m a hopeless romantic. After months of trying, I knew it wouldn’t work, but I kept a relationship of sorts with her.”

 You understood. They were bed buddies.

 “I then met Abby, and what started as a fling developed into something more. Long story short, I got wind of a rumor she was using me for fame and money, so I distanced myself from her. after some time of her telling I had it all wrong, I decided it was easier keeping her around though my heart wasn’t in it. I wasn’t juggling them. I hadn’t slept with either of them in a long time. I just—I felt it was better to have someone who misses me and wants me than living the lonely actor life.”

 His honesty had you frozen. When he began to explain, you hadn’t expected him to reveal so much. You expected a bare minimum explanation, but what you’d gotten revealed so much more about him. You felt bad.

 “I guess allowing the attentions and affections to remain is just as bad as juggling them. I was playing with their hearts. I’m not proud of it.”

 Henry dipped his head, showing he felt some shame for his actions.

 “When I met you, I realized although I had these two women sort of vying for me, I was still lonely, but those moments we were together, I didn’t feel alone. I felt--,” he paused as if trying to find the right word. His hesitation made you look down.

 You knew what you’d felt.

 “When I met you, I felt someone I’d never felt before, something I don’t fully understand. I don’t know what that means, but I know I want to find out—with you.”

 Finally, able to release the breath you held, you took another, then cleared your throat. “I’m not juggling two guys. I was dating two guys, but not sleeping with both. I was with Liam first, and we had an okay relationship. We were busy, never saw each other and when we did it wasn’t for long. He um—he got annoyed and broke up with me. He said I was impacting his work, and he needed to focus.”

 You remembered how he’d said it too. He’d said it like you were the one to blame for the roles he’d gotten or hadn’t gotten.

 “I was fine with it, and during those five months apart, I met Jesse. We worked together and had fun and began dating. It wasn't anything sexual. Then Liam comes back and wants to pick up where we left off. I told him about Jesse, and he was fine with it.”

 The shock on Henry’s face almost made you laugh. Alicia and Amaya were also surprised they’d chosen that unconventional path. Amaya, of course, thought you should have kept it secret from both of them.

 “One day, Jesse sees Liam and me out, and it pissed him off enough to end things. Three weeks later, I lay it out for both that I don’t want to choose, and I don’t want anything serious. They were both fine with it, and so it went on. Six months later, I decided I needed to be on my own to focus on work and me. They didn’t like the decision. They call and text me to try to—rekindle something.”

 Henry scoffed, and you watched a soft smile tickle his lips.

 “I haven’t physically seen either of them in weeks, now maybe months,” you finished.

 Henry was quiet for a few seconds before he snorted.

 “They were mad.”

 “Angry?”

 “No, mad, bonkers,” Henry clarified.

 “Oh, crazy.”

 “Yeah. To be okay to share you, be willing to do something like that. I couldn’t do that,” Henry informed, making you smile in the process.

 “Well, men do crazy things.”

 “I can attest to that, but I’d never do something that crazy. I can’t share what’s mine. I won’t.”

 Your eyes locked, and your body swayed toward his. It was like he was metal and you a magnet. Everything in you wanted to be close to him. The more you tried to fight the pull, the harder it became to breathe. The harder it was to breathe, the dizzier you became.

 “I—I—I—I,” you began before gulping the knot in your throat down that was making you speak in a raspy whisper. “I don’t—know what this is.”

 Henry nodded.

 “I am not used to not knowing and being out of control,” you continued.

 “You feel less controlled too?”

 You couldn't help but to nod. Once you did, Henry took a step to you. You took a step back.

 “Hold on. I like control. I like control a lot. Anything that threatens that control is not for me.”

 Henry’s eyes lowered but only for a moment before he was looking right back into yours.

 “But—I really want to find out why you make me less controlled,” you finally admitted.

 The uncertainty on his face spoke volumes.  “What does that mean? Where does that leave this—us?”

 You chewed your bottom lip; you realized how ill-prepared you’d been.

 “Honestly, I didn’t think this meeting out that far. I only planned up to when you showed up. I’ve um—I’ve been winging it this whole time.”

 His smile started small but spread wide in seconds; then, he laughed loudly.

 “So you won’t mind me making a plan?”

 Oh lord, you thought, feeling his alpha pop out. You bit your bottom lip again.

 “What kind of plan?”

 Henry closed the remaining space between you. Every step he took had you shaking even more.

 “A plan that I’ve envisioned every night since brunch.”

Stopped in front of you and held you captivated by his gaze and the sheer dominating energy rolling off of him. The way he stood there taller than you made your mouth run dry.

 “Jesus, you’re freakishly short,” Henry teased in his perfect Englishman voice.

 Smiling, you shook your head. “I know, I debated wearing heels but didn’t—I wanted you to see me normal for someone reason I don’t under--.”

 Henry’s sudden movement cut you off. He dipped down the entire foot he overshadowed you and lifted you into the air to hold you flush against his body. Then he lowered his lips to yours, taking and keeping control of an intensely passionate kiss. A kiss you hadn’t known you craved until it began, a kiss you were not prepared for. You moaned against his lips, and that moan triggered his. Wrapping your arm around his neck, you clung to him, and every sensation you were feeling and even new ones he was awakening within you.

 Slowly, Henry pulled his lips from your, but he kept your body to his. You kept your eyes closed, relishing the lingering effects.

 “You’re shaking,” Henry whispered.

 “So are you.”

 You opened your eyes and gazed into his as he slowly lowered you back to your feet.

 “What else is part of your plan?”

 Henry's smile spread across his face. “For me to carry out any other part of my plan would be completely rakish of  me.”

 His smile was adorable, but still intimidatingly sexy.

 “I take it you’re not a rake.”

 “Not in the least.”

 “All right. So, alternate plan?”

 He smiled again. “Still pretty rakish.”

 With that, he brought his lips back to yours, but this time he didn’t pull back for several long minutes.

 Though you knew people in high places, it didn’t mean you could keep the eye open all morning. After three trips around, the two of you got off then walked around London holding hands and eating ice cream. It was such a weird sensation allowing someone to hold your hand. It had been a long time since you’d ever wanted to. The entire time you laughed and talked about everything and nothing at the same time. One thing was clear; neither of you was in any rush for your time together to end.

 But end, it had to. When Henry walked you back to your hotel, it was almost time for the sun to come up.

 “Home safe and sound,” Henry joked.

 “Yes, thanks to Superman.”

 “No, no, I’m just the man. Henry Cavill.”

 He held his hand out to you. Smiling, you rolled your eyes.

 “Now is when we get to this?”

 His goofy smile and shrug had your head skip a beat.

 “Aliya Taylor,” you said, shaking his hand.

 “Nice to meet you. Mind if I call you Aliya or Liya, that's all a mouthful,” Henry teased.

 Your laugh was loud, and you had to clamp your hand over your mouth, remembering what time it was.

 “Yes, you can call me either. Can I call you Henners or Hank?”

 “No. My friends call me that.”

 “So, I’m not your friend?”

 “If I have anything to say about it, which I do, then no. I don’t want you as a friend.” Henry replied, making you smile like a little girl at Christmas.

 “Then what do you want me as?”

 Your eyes lingered for a few seconds before Henry was pulling you closer to brush the back of his hand against your cheek.

 “For now, I’ll settle for my girlfriend.”

 The man was an expert at charm. You bit into your bottom lip and tried to stop smiling. “Girlfriend, wow. That’s a loaded title. What does it entail?”

 “Well, for one, it entails being your true self with me, accepting my true self, being there for me when I need you, letting me be there for you when you need me or when I need you, allowing me to be your strength when you’re weak, your hope when you’re hopeless. Allowing me to grow with you, learn with you. Giving me your time and attention, enough of it so what we have can grow. Trusting me and letting me spoil you rotten.”

 If he weren’t holding you against him, you would have fallen back.

 “Is that all?”

 Henry leaned closer kisses your cheek. “To begin.”

 “And if I refused to be this girlfriend you speak of?”

 “Then I’d just have to convince you,” Henry cooed.

 “How?”

 Right on que, Henry dipped his lips to yours. The second they touched, you moaned and held him close. Why resist when you could enjoy it, you thought. His tongue swirled with yours before he nibbled then sucked your bottom lip. When he pulled back, your eyes remained closed.

 “I’m convinced.”

 Henry pecked your lips once, then twice. “Good. Girlfriend.”

 Your eyes locked again, and you forgot all common sense for what felt like an eternity.

 “Eh-em—I have to be on a set in the morning.”

 “Which is now,” Henry filled in.

 Still hazed in the brain, you stuttered and smiled like a fool.

 “Mm, did I stay out all night?”

 “You did. I hope it was worth it.”

 Smiling, you kissed his jaw. “We’ll see,” you whispered as you backed away from him, making your way to the door.

 “Good morning, Henry.”

 He smiled again, watching you disappear inside the hotel. As you walked to the elevator bank, you couldn’t stop smiling or stop the butterflies that had been flying all night in your stomach. As you stepped onto the elevator and watched the doors closed, you recognized the feeling you felt as happiness. It had been absent for a long time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[snowandstarlight]

I posted 308 times in 2021

121 posts created (39%)

187 posts reblogged (61%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 1.5 posts.

I added 158 tags in 2021

#medblr - 61 posts

#residency - 25 posts

#surgery - 14 posts

#pgy2 - 12 posts

#general surgery - 11 posts

#taylor swift - 9 posts

#sort of - 9 posts

#pgy lab - 7 posts

#ted lasso - 5 posts

#stormlight archive - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#i’m just saying that this character’s righteous indignation doesn’t have much weight when everything she’s saying makes no medical sense

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

from now on, any fiction/tv/movie writer who has their medically trained character say that someone is “in shock” when they don’t mean “experiencing inadequate perfusion of their organs” owes me $10

43 notes • Posted 2021-10-20 00:16:33 GMT

#4

as a surgeon, it’s always funny to see either of the two popular posts about william halsted that have been going around. no one seems to connect “halsted who invented surgical gloves for his wife” with “halsted who did a lot of cocaine and decided surgical residents should work inhumane hours”

he did in fact invent surgical gloves for one of his nurses, who he later married. in a time when few doctors had embraced the concept of germ theory, he was a great believer in sterility and cleanliness in his operating room, and the chemicals he used as disinfectants (like carbolic acid) were not very gentle on the skin. when he worked at bellevue hospital in new york, he had a tent constructed on the lawn because he didn’t want to share OR space with surgeons who didn’t wash their hands or their instruments

he was also addicted to cocaine, an addiction that started when german scientists suggested it could be used as a local anesthetic. he felt it was his duty to try the drug before giving it to anyone else. he also believed that residents could only achieve adequate training by working basically all the time, and, well, cocaine is certainly one way to keep yourself awake

61 notes • Posted 2021-11-18 17:51:28 GMT

#3

some thoughts on Oathbringer

so someone recommended these books to me probably 5 years ago now. i read the first two and loved them but then when the third one came out i kept putting off buying it because it was expensive. now that there are four, i started re-reading from the beginning. 

i’ve read some other books by brandon sanderson and his worldbuilding is incredible but i found that some of his earlier characters fell a little flat; i think this series is where he’s really hit his stride, in that respect 

(i'll put these under the cut, in case anyone else is also very far behind in finishing this series)

- okay i knew it wasn’t going to happen but i was really rooting for shallan and her two husbands (every time the three of them had a scene together it made me happy)

- and anyway, kal and shallan would never have worked without adolin

kal: wow she’s dealing with her trauma so well, you’d never know what she’s been through!

shallan: well if he thinks it’s fine that i got stabbed, it’s probably no big deal

you two need *so much* therapy, please stop looking at each other as good examples of anything

- also pattern and syl are the best wing... people?

- when adolin finally confesses to shallan that he killed sadeas and she’s just like “good” (same, girl) 

- i’m really looking forward to when adolin gets to retire from war so he can fulfill his true dream of being a fashion designer 

- king jasnah! honestly i had that thought as soon as she came back from the dead at the beginning of the book

- i realize that the main point of dalinar’s flashbacks was that he was a terrible violent person when he was younger (although still not the most terrible, somehow), but i laughed out loud at that scene when he spends the whole feast being annoyed that he doesn’t have a knife to eat his steak with and then when the assassin shows up he, in one move, kills him with his own knife, washes it off, and starts using that 

anyway, on to rhythm of war!

62 notes • Posted 2021-02-24 19:37:25 GMT

#2

resident: your heart rate is pretty fast

patient: if you get all these cute boys out of here it will slow down. i’m 68, not dead!

86 notes • Posted 2021-06-23 00:48:03 GMT

#1

i'm clumsy not in a ‘YA protagonist’ kind of way but in a ‘good thing i'm not on warfarin’ kind of way

100 notes • Posted 2021-02-11 23:25:47 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[aggresivelyfriendly]

Day Four: The One With The Metaphors

More wish fulfillment! I love this one, obvi- I love a metaphor. Anyway! Thank you so much to @dirtystyles for the read through and screams!

Send me screams! Reblogs are definitely love!

I’m starting a tag list as well for when I post- if you’d like- send me a note to add you! Thanks @awomanindeniall for the suggestion!

Elise woke up aware that something was wrong.

Amiss, that was a better word. Nothing hurt and she was supremely comfortable and warm, but something was off. It took a moment for her to puzzle it out.

The sun was high through the window, so at first she figured it was that she had slept in so unbelievably late. She'd been up to the wee hours last night. Elise could remember the clock on her iPhone saying 3:30am, lying in was not surprising, but a consequence. Her room was still, only her knee joints cracking when she stretched broke the silence.

The house was quiet too, but Harry had been a quiet housemate for the three days they'd been quarantined. He usually skulked about quietly in the morning to avoid waking her, and when she went down, he set about treating her like a treasured guest instead of the chick he sneezed on. Making her breakfast or doing her coffee immediately, like the world's best waiter.

Oh! That's what felt weird about today! She'd woken up in this stranger's bed in this stranger's house and didn't feel weird about it. There was none of the disorientation and then fear she'd got on the other mornings. The first one, she'd realized it wasn't her bed. Her bedding was an ombré of blues and purple, and while she liked the sheets, thought they were comfortable, she knew it would be hard to go back to them now. Harry's bedding was like the very plush stuff she had encountered when she went to see her one and only concert, by invite, of her friend Daphne. Elise wouldn't name the band. They'd stayed at a high end hotel. She'd been afraid to sit on the couch. She'd adopted an air of whatever by the time they made it to the bedroom, because she didn't want Daphne to notice how impressed she was. The friendship had petered out in high school, but they were buddies for a time. And Elise got used to her lifestyle, but never comfortable. She remembered the comforter in the hotel was down and over stuffed, and the sheets felt like a billion thread count. She doubted a cloud could feel better.

Harry's was better. In his guest room. Imagine what he had on his own bed! No- she wouldn't!

In any case, it was a glaring difference. On day one, or two, she'd need to nail down how to count the days, she realized, the blankets had caused a domino reaction. She'd reached behind her immediately and sighed in relief when she felt no body behind her. But they could have gotten up for the bathroom, maybe that's what had initially woken her.

So the next step in freak out containment was to smooth her hands down her body and confirm she was clothed. One night stands were not her style. It had happened once. Their sheets had not been this nice.

They had not been as nice as Harry in any way.

What would it be like to wake up, do her checks, realize she was in another's bed, and find it to be Harry. She giggled while she skipped down her own mental path. Waking up with Harry Styles, his actual bed, not the guest room one. That would have been a shock in every sense of the word. A pleasant shock, you might even do the walk of no shame from. In any case, this morning was different, but not that different.

Today, it just felt like this is where she woke up now. Her giggle broke the cold air, yeah, this was not a life she'd let herself get used too.

Poor international student and desert rat were still her bylines.

The plush bathroom was also amazing though, and she lingered over the heated floors. Just because she couldn't have them forever didn't mean she shouldn't appreciate them while she could.

It was 11:30 by the time she made it downstairs.  In truth, maybe she was stalling.

She didn't want to tell him she disliked his favorite book.

Well, dislike was a strong word. The book was alright, but Harry loved it. Elise felt like he would want her to love it too. They'd found things in common yesterday and it was lovely and thrilling. His face would light up in a way Elise wanted to be the root of, but they didn't have this new thing in common. He made this happy puppy face, full of energy and youth when they hit upon a movie they both spent hours rewatching, or bands they loved, listening to albums on-repeat in adolescent bedrooms. She hated to tell him it didn't expand to Norwegian Wood. She'd even worked on a line to soften the blow.

I like the prose, but not the protagonist. That's what she would say.

Did Harry see himself as the protagonist? Did you have to identify with a main character to love a story? Maybe you did, though she didn't see herself as a swamp girl, like the main in the book she had recommended to him. She did feel like an outsider, she supposed. She suspected everybody did a little.

Did Harry feel ordinary, and torn between melancholy and merry? He seemed bright to her- like a little firefly in the dark, with his bright shiny teeth and crinkly eyes. She'd listened to his first solo album, it had been serious to say the least. Wistful, nostalgic, sad in mood, ultimately hopeful. Maybe that's what he was like inside, and he just wore an upbeat face. Was it a mask?

But Harry was anything but boring. He was extraordinary. She believed that long before she was stuck in a house with him. It had just been confirmed by proximity.

Elise felt like she should listen to his new album right now to get a handle on where he might be at the moment, or closer to the moment. She almost pulled it up of her phone.

Shaking her head, she existed out of Spotify, she'd have to listen to his new album tonight. Elise knew if she stayed up here much longer, her temporary housemate would be at her door. Probably with coffee, just as she liked it, and maybe even toast. Oooh, that sounded delicious, maybe she would wait.

She wouldn't.

Elise took light steps down the stairs, she had it in her head to startle Harry. It was a strange impulse, people always did it to her, and she always jumped a foot. Apparently, everybody always found that hilarious. She didn't. Must be being on the wrong side of it.

She was about to find out.

Except Harry wasn't in the kitchen where she had come to expect him in the mornings. Though there was hot coffee in the French press with her cup next to it. The mug that said more joy. She'd liked the sex one, but it made her blush a little, she avoided it.

He'd noticed her pink cheeks, given her the joy one, and sipped from the other, his green eyes over the rim, dancing at her reaction to every sip. She shook off the memory.

The first sip was hot and everything she loved about the break of day. Rich in smell and possibilities and full or flavor and energy.

Elise drank three more gulps before she set off to scare Harry. She poured carefully and was proud enough to do a tiny happy dance when she didn't spill any.

"Yay! Why are we twirling?"

That time she did jump a foot into the air, and she was glad she wasn't holding the mug to warm her hands like she usually did. It would have shattered on his beautiful floor, and she was sure it cost a million pounds. The floor, though the mug was designer, she knew. A mug couldn't cost a million pounds right?

"Jesus! You scared me!" Elise had a hand to heart, coffee dribbles on it.

"Sorry!" He didn't look contrite in the least. The purse of his lips trying to flatten them into a rubber band. How did he not know better? They didn't flatten, not effectively, ever. His lips weren't juicy persay, but they did seem a little overfilled, like an exuberant cupcake. This morning she noticed they were framed by extravagant scruff, it had been sprouting for a day or so, and honestly she thought it made his face look a little dirty, but today it was filled in, darker, and the frame around the fruited hues of his lips was distracting. As was the beautiful hazard of his curls on his head. All of it was better than the horror of his eyes.

When she was younger, and she'd jumped from Liam as her girlhood crush to him, it had been the green of his eyes. Later, when Taylor sang about them, Elise could totally understand.

She was a little breathless, from the scare, and there was still coffee to clean up. She shifted her eyes and grabbed paper towels.

"Well," he cleared his throat before he spoke. "I feel I owe you breakfast because I gave you a fright. You had a full English yet?"

She hadn't. "Isn't that a lot of trouble though?"

"Well, it takes a bit, I'm thinking we have the time though. And I wouldn't call it trouble, and we both have to eat, yeah?" He said this from the fridge where he was already pulling out the necessary articles. "And it's late enough that we should call it lunch too. You slept in today."

"I did." She nodded.

"Just exhausted, or?" He was slicing tomatoes. She was watching him. He had really long fingers. They curved around the tomato in a way that made her sad. Or curious.

"What?" He was really distracting today. She'd have sworn she was over this crush ages ago. She supposed the real person was different to the images she looked at and created in her mind.

"Why so tired today? Up late?"

Oh, he wanted to know about the book. "Yeah, um, I was finishing Norwegian Wood."

"Did you like it?" He was smiling like he knew the answer.

"Um, I liked the prose." She dissembled, left out the protagonist part to avoid offense.

He frowned over the bacon he was laying in the skillet. Round bacon still threw her off.

"The prose? But not the book?" He guessed.

"It was alright. I didn't really like Toru. He frustrated me."

Harry went to run his hands into his hair, and maybe it was the cooking, which she was thankful for or the new worldwide obsession with hygiene, but he stopped himself. "Oh, I quite like Toru. I think he is like, like most guys. And because you are in his head you kinda get why."

She wanted to tell Harry he was nothing like Toru, way more interesting, and for someone who apparently thought they were indecisive, he was really in charge of his life. That it wasn't a fluke, or luck, not entirely. That it was him. She wanted to tell Harry he was special.

"Did you like my recommendation?" She asked.

He made a funny face. Oh? He didn't. That miffed her a little and she suddenly understood his upset.

"Can I say the opposite? I like the story, and the characters, but not the prose." Oh she'd loved the prose style. The lyrical quality. Way more lush than his pick.

"We must just like different styles."  She tried to shrug it off and was totally unclear why she couldn't. "I like my books to almost sound like they are lines lifted from a song."

"Oh, I kinda like minimalism, in songs too." Why did they both seem sad about it.

Breakfast was delicious, and it distracted them for a while.

When Harry was finishing up his last piece of vegan bacon ( he'd broken that to her after she'd praised it), chewing thoughtfully as a beaming smile lit up his face.

"I know- you find a song or album you feel like is exactly what you love, and I will too, and we can share. We may not ever like each other's books, but music, well I like all music." He was grinning and she thought the term firefly wasn't as apt as lightening bug.

"That's a great idea. Let's brainstorm and meet up in an hour." Her literal first thought was 1989, but she would not go there.

Nope.

Two hours later, she had a list of three albums, and trotted down the stairs to find him.

"Alright Styles, show me what you got!"

He looked up from the notebook he was scrawling in and he tried to smile.

"Hey, this is supposed to be fun Harry! It doesn't look like you are having fun."

He went to put the end of the pen in his mouth and moved it down to his chin. "This is harder than I thought. Only three? And I'm trying not to be too predictable."

"Just be honest," she shrugged, and plopped on the carpet next to him with her legs pretzeled, her air pods and her phone.

"I'll do one first. Are we doing the whole albums, or like songs that are great examples?" She asked as she opened her Spotify.

"Whole albums! What else do we have to do?" He quirked the more masculine side of his face and she realized she'd chosen to sit really close to him. It wasn't really necessary with the air pods, but he didn't seem to mind, he was leaning towards her.

"Alright, well let's go. I'll show you mine, then you show me yours, then again. Til we're done."

"Or naked!" He chuckled and she blushed, tried to hide it. He sobered and got back on task. "Can I have some honorable mentions?" He asked.

"Yeah, but those you gotta pick a song!" Elise nodded at her brilliant allowance.

"Deal!" He put out his hand and they shook. Then she placed an air pod in his hand.

"Let's go!" She pulled up the first album she had in mind. "This one is Oh Wonder's self titled."

"Oh, I know them a little."

By the end of it, Harry had scrawled his favorite songs, and downloaded a few.

"Good?" She asked.

"Yeah, they sound great together, and lots of metaphors."

"That's what I like!," she said.

"You'd like Arctic Monkeys, specifically AM." He told her, so she made a note of it. He'd already mentioned he liked them when he was younger. She knew of them, but they must have been much bigger in Britain or something, she'd download something.

And then he played her Astral Weeks, and they wound up laying back on the floor with the cord of his ear buds laying slackly between them. And she got what he meant about minimalism. She usually liked it wordy, got her emotion from lyrics, but she still felt a lot, even without the words.

"Alright, I feel like you are bringing the oldies, Styles. All of mine are this decade."

"Yeah, I thought about that, but I only have one from this decade."

She laughed, "I'll allow it. This one I'll bet you know."  She put on Hozier and if she thought sitting so close had been overwhelming, him singing in his lower register, essentially in her ear was wholly distracting. He knew most of the songs.

"I feel like it's not my favorite, but it's clearly amazing!" He said when it was over.

"Well, what's your favorite?" She sat up with him and they were facing each other, their knees were touching and her yoga pants were hot all the way up her thigh.

"This one." He spent a moment looking for his ear phones snake like cord and turned back to her. She was glad when he arranged them side by side before Harry Nilsson started to play.

"Like it?"

"Yeah-!" She butted into him with her shoulder. "He uses some figurative language." She raised an eyebrow.

"I suppose he does."

"But he does that sound thing you like." She mused.

"How do you know I like repeated sounds?" Oh, he looked amused.

"I like your first album." She confessed.

He bit his lip and dimpled and Elise had to turn away. This was normal. He was the only person she'd seen in days, and well he looked like, was, him. She was gonna forgive herself the butterflies. "Um," she picked her phone back up. "Do you want to get a snack? Or keep going. I need some water at least."

He was spooling up his cord and standing. "I got an idea." And he was gone before she could follow him. Elise sat for a moment. Should she follow him? He didn't really invite Her. Did you have to be invited to follow your de facto housemate? She supposed she'd just wait.

But that was an awful decision, because she just sat there and thought about how this quarantine day felt like the best date of her life. Dammit. She was gonna wake up tomorrow sad she wasn't in his bed. She could just tell. She was also probably going to have to touch herself to sleep. She knew exactly what she'd think about. It would be when she turned to her side and watched his mouth form around the deathless death lyric in Take Me To Church.

Elise was actually fanning herself by the time Harry came back in.

"Is it hot in here?" He asked.

"Oh, no, I was just dancing a little." God she was lame.

"Oh! Hold that thought for my last album. And I've brought provisions!" His eyebrows were so high and perfect. She liked his proud face.

He'd brought alcohol. That was exactly what her libido needed. Shit.

"Pick your poison. I have an excellent red, or we can just skip to the party with tequila shots."

"Yeah, no tequila, sun's still out."

"Oh, is this a rule of yours? No tequila until sundown." Why did he look like he found that hilarious?

"Not if you want me to keep my clothes on!" She resisted the urge to slap a hand over her mouth.

"Right!" he crowed. "Tequila it is!"

"No, no, I'll take wine." She pulled his hand down from opening the bottle of amber liquid and started on the darker bottle.

"You are a party pooper!" He laughed.

"Can we plan the tequila party for another day?"

"Oh, we should do that. I have a pool! We can make margaritas and lounge."

"Harry, it's March! In London," she added. Because it was definitely pool weather in Arizona.

"Well, I have a hot tub."

She swallowed and focused on getting the bottle opened. "Are you having what I'm having?"

"Yeah, I guess. But in a couple days, we are opening the other bottle, deal?" He handed her the waters he'd brought in too. She needed to drink that first, and between, and after. To slow her intake down.

"What's with you and hand shakes?" She laughed and handed him his glass instead of taking his dangerous palm.

"I dunno, gotta seal the deal!" He shrugged. "So what's next?"

"Right!" She scrounged to find both earbuds and they cheesed to the beginning notes of 'Red.'

"I already said you love her. Typical! And well, I can't blame you." He mused towards the end.

"Why?" She felt like that would be a slight, but he didn't say it like one. Typical stung just a little. Basic Arizona bitch sounded in her head.

"Just you like lyrics, and she is so clever and relatable, and I'm not an American, or a girl, but I imagine it's more specific to you." He titled his head.

That made her feel better. Was kinder than she'd been to herself. "Yeah, yeah, I've liked her since I was way younger. I saw her at a county fair really early on and fell in love."

"And you like this one better than her newer ones?" He asked. "I haven't gotten around to listening to Lover yet." He had a look that meant he may never. She wondered about that but decided to pull him from his dip in mood.

"Well, actually, 1989 is my favorite, but I thought it would be too weird to listen to that with you."

"Ha!" He burst out laughing at that, and they giggled helplessly, aided by the bottle of wine they'd finished. "Well, I'll thank you for that thoughtfulness. We need another bottle." He started towards the door. "But it's my favorite too!," he threw back over his shoulder as he got just around the door.

"I'll bet." She said to herself.

His last album was a surprise.

"I'm surpirsed it's not Stormzy Everybody here talks about him all the time." She mentioned when they started.

"Nah, though I love him, and his music, he's very clever. But Kendrick is more honest." They danced to the upbeat songs and Harry shocked her when he pulled her close and danced up on her a little. She tried to chalk it up to the wine, but the feeling of his thighs cradling her ass was gonna follow her into her bedroom, into sleep, and maybe forever.

By the end of the second bottle, they'd gotten the munchies and were raiding the fridge.

"Should we do take out?" He asked.

"Nah, let's cook something." And they spent an hour making squash stuffed with quinoa scented with maple syrup. He was a good cook too. Fucker.

"Can we do my honorable mentions now?" He asked after they had popped the third bottle of wine and were sleepy and full and a little wine drunk.

He was on the couch and she was sure her jaw was gonna unhinge when he stayed stretched out and opened his arms like he wanted her to come lay with him.

"Do you want to?" She made some idiotic motion between them.

"Yeah, I sat my headphones down in the kitchen and can't be fucked to go get them. We can just play it out. Come cuddle me."

How could she say no to that. Should she disclose her ear buds were nearby? What didn't he have ear buds? She went to him and laid down. Because the opportunity was too compelling.

They listened to Dark Side of the Moon, well he did and she mostly listened to his heart.

When he put on Otis Redding, well, she already thought she was in trouble. She was hoping he hadn't given her coronavirus, but if he kept acting like this, she was gonna have caught more than a bug, and she was sure it would last more than 14 days, or three weeks, or however long the world was on pause.

Feelings didn't have a pause.

She was trying to figure out if she was too tipsy to get herself off him gracefully, when she realized he was asleep. She looked up at his smooth face, all gorgeous angles and bright spots.

She was infected.

Elise was steady on her feet while escaping up to her room. She was less steady as she revisited her morning musings. Harry wasn't a Toru, he wasn't an Everyman, he wasn't like anybody she'd ever met.

He was lightning in the night.

Elise was surprised she hadn't gotten anxious yet? Normally she would be itching to go, do. She wasn't even missing the parks she had on her list of things to do. She felt content.

It must be that she felt excited most days to go downstairs, to see what she and Harry would get up to on any given day of their quarantine. She had loved dance time tonight, and she'd plug in headphones and share conspiratorial smiles over Harry Nilsson with Harry Styles any day.

There was a part of her that wanted to listen to this with him. Have him explain it to her. She'd liked it the time she had listened. Liked the singles enough to stream and download them.

Elise imagines laying next to him on the couch as the"dun-dunnnunas" started playing in her ears.

She didn't think much at any sensations for the next forty minutes, she let herself drift away on Harry's Fine Line. She had to listen again to answer her earlier question about whether Harry was melancholy or merry.

He was both, she decided.

Maybe he just needed to see that he was a fine line too. And the duality between sad boy and pop star was what made him everybody's favorite fixation.

Elise knew she was a fine line as well, she hoped she ended up alright.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #294

“maybe it’s not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate”

Is your bed big enough for two people? Yes. What is your favorite board game? I like Battleship. Have you ever been hospitalized for more than 2 weeks? I think one stay at the psych hospital stretched over two weeks, maybe three. I don't remember. When was the last time you heard someone scream? Irl, probably at some point visiting my sister's family and my baby niece was upset. If you include via audio, a couple days ago when watching Egoraptor's Kingdom Hearts 2 stream. He's a Loud Boy. Who was the last person to call you baby? I have no clue. Why did you last go to the airport? I was going home from Sara's. Have you ever showered with another person? Not since I was a little kid with my sister. Is there something you are keeping a secret from your parents? I mean, nothing major. There are small things I don't tell them, though. Are you able to forget people easily? FUCK to the NO. What disgusts you about bathrooms? Sharing a toilet with literally anybody. Have you ever had gum stuck in your hair? I mean maybe at some point, but I don't think so. What was the shortest amount of time you’ve known someone before you’ve dated them? If you’ve never been in a relationship before, do you watch Scrubs? I knew Jason maybe two/three weeks before he asked me out. We clicked so damn fast. Don’t you hate it when people talk about their relationships constantly? It can become a bit much. I have (had?) a friend who did this profusely to the point it was pretty impossible to have an actual conversation, and then she fell off the face of the planet. Being in love is an absolutely amazing thing, but like... that's not all you can talk about. Do you enjoy old movies? Yeah, there are some great ones. Do your neighbors annoy you in any way? Someone a few houses down has a dog that NEVER shuts the fuck up. I don't know how it doesn't lose its voice. What was the last party you were invited to? A Halloween party hosted by my friend Summer a few years ago. It was a good time. Are you honestly happy with your life right now? N O P E Do you find it fun to pray for people? I don't pray, but even if I did, "fun" seems like the wrong word. Generally when you pray for someone, there's something negative going on in their life, so like... I think "fulfilling" is maybe a better word? Has your mom ever crocheted you a blanket? My mom has deadass been working on a massive blanket since she was in her 20s (maybe even a tad younger), and she's at the tail end of her 50s. She works on it less than once in a blue moon. She started with the intention of passing it onto her kids. Do you regret letting a certain guy slip away? Debatable. It's questionable if I ever would have gotten competent help without Jason leaving, and if I didn't, what if he finally had enough when we were already married with kids (that's what I wanted at the time, anyway)? That would have broken me even worse. What show did you want to be on as a kid? Whatever the Nickelodeon one was where you got slimed lol. Do you have regrets? Of course I do. Does anyone really know you? My mom and Sara, at least. What song do you want played at your wedding? It depends on my partner and songs we consider special. Are you a fan of Taylor Swift? No. I do, however, love me some "Love Story." And you are LYYYYYYINNNNNGGGG if "Picture To Burn" doesn't make you feel like a Bad Bitch. Would you ever dye your hair unicorn colors? I would DIIIIIEEEEE to do that in pastel tints. I wish my damn hair took color well... I have literally only had ONE very effective hair dyeing experience, when my friend spent hours turning it red. It stuck for MONTHS. List 3 of your pet peeves. 1.) Turning tragedy into a competition; 2.) making mental illnesses "trendy;" and 3.) elitists of pretty much anything. Do you type fast? Very. What do you like to put on your pancakes? Typically just maple syrup, but I'll put butter on them if given it at a restaurant. Have you ever accidentally drank spoiled milk? I've taken a sip and immediately realized and spat it out. Have you ever had your heart broken? More like shattered into incalcuable pieces. When you were 3, was your natural hair color the same as it is now? No, I was dirty blonde. Have you ever received a scary message from someone online? Yes, I'm pretty sure. What does your first name rhyme with? "Infamy" is close enough, ig, if we're excluding other names. Do you have freckles on your face? No. I did as a kid, though. Who is your favorite Lisa Frank character? Probably the angel kitty (I had a coloring book, even), but they're all SO pretty. I love Lisa Frank stuff. Does your family always have your back? My mom and dad do, at least. My older sister does, meanwhile it's hard to tell with my little sister. She's not very affectionate and expressive of love to the point I question a lot if she even likes me. What type of wedding do you want to have? Gothic! Are you more of a leader or a follower? A follower, within reason. I'm definitely not a blind one. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Quite a few, actually. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, at some point. Do you have a regular vacation spot, or do you always go somewhere new? We don't really go on vacations. It's not an expense Mom can really afford. Where were you working 10 years ago? Nowhere. ... 5 years ago? Still nowhere. ... 1 year ago? Nowhere. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like a day. I know it sounds bad, but I left Girt already knowing I loved Sara, and I didn't really have anything to heal from. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? We'd have Saltines, chicken noodle soup (which I never really liked), and ginger ale. What's your favorite art style? Probably hyperrealistic fantasy stuff. What time period is considered to be your country's 'golden age?' I don't know, I'm not a history buff. Have you ever done LSD? I've never done any drugs. Are any of your coworkers currently out on maternity/paternity leave? N/A What is your favorite parody movie? Maybe the Paranormal Activity one. I barely remember it, though. What kind of first impression do you hope others have of you? That I'm kind and friendly and really care about their feelings. Do you have a good sense of balance? NOOOOOOOOOO. I stray like a motherfucker when I walk. Have for many years. It's weird. What is your least favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry, ugh. Does your car have heated seats? No. What's something that has been in your local news lately? I don't watch it. What's your favorite internet meme? Oh, I have no clue, I love memes lmao. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing, really. I'm not very adventurous with pizza. Can you name any books or movies where all the main characters die? Not off the top of my head. Do you live alone? No, I live with my mother. What’s the grossest thing you’ve encountered in/at a fast food joint? *shrug* Do you swallow chewing gum? No. Do you ever get goosebumps while listening to songs? EXTREMELY easily. Like that is so, so regular, be it from the lyrics, the singer's voice, or just the music. Are there any amusement park rides you refuse to go on? Why? Most, really. I get dizzy way, way too easily and don't want to faint. What is the best roller coaster you’ve ever been on? I'm afraid of roller coasters, so I can't answer this. Never touched one. Don’t you think black jellybeans are icky? Ugh, YES. What was the last thing you measured with a ruler? I helped Mom use the long, flexible kind to measure the couch because she was gonna move some furniture around. What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever seen? Oh, I'm sure the mountains when driving to Tennessee. I was too young to remember it well, but I can never forget that I marveled over them. Would you rather have a Playstation or Xbox made console? I'm a Playstation gal. What if you were watching COPS and saw your significant other on there? I'm... not gonna lie, if it was Jason for doing something stupid and not, like, murderous, I'd probably cackle. Have you ever tried to write to any celebrities? No. When was the last time you blew bubbles? I ain't got a clue. Have you ever stumbled across a beehive? More like wasp nests. What food(s) make you cringe? Quite a lot, given my extreme selectiveness with textures. More than anything, probably egg yolk. Have you ever played an automated 20 Questions game and beat it? Ha, I actually had one of those! I have, but damn was that hard. Have you been to a restaurant where they cook the food in front of you? Yup, Ichiban. Pretty cool. Do you feel that presidential campaigns make people too competitive? I mean, no. People care about who is going to be the head of their country. Do you find Family Guy hilarious or offensive? Neither. Do you still write letters to people, even though there’s e-mail now? No. Have you ever had an accident involving a microwave? Ha, I'm a travesty of a cook, so yeah. I remember on one occasion I accidentally dialed in many minutes for popcorn and entirely forgot about it. Safe to say I didn't eat it. I've split hot dogs in there, and I'm certain there's more. Do you like the movie Forrest Gump? I adore that movie. One of the best films ever imo. Can you handle heat well? I honestly doubt you'll meet someone who handles it worse than me, especially physically. I have severe hyperhidrosis, so I will literally sweat like a pig in 70* weather. I absolutely cannot handle it. Do you smoke weed? What are your opinions on its legalization? No. Legalize it for at least medicinal purposes. Have you ever had a school shooting at your school? HA, I can promise you my high school must have at some point. Are you usually the first to do something, or are you more of a follower? I don't pay attention to this. What is your favorite way to eat a potato? Fries, yum. Are roses your favorite flower? No, but they're high on the list. Have you ever been to a horse race? No. I think they're abusive anyway. Do you like lobster? No. Have you ever swam in a lake? Yeah. There's one lake I swam in that was so clear you could see pretty far and just watch the fish and turtles. Have you ever convinced someone to show you their private parts? "Convinced"????? That's fucking coercion. I've seen people naked, but not by fucking pressure. What is the greatest treasure you have ever found? My older sister found a cracked amethyst geode once. Idk where it's at now, but I hope she (or we at the house, depending on where it is) finds it at some point, though. My niece has come to love smooth rocks and pebbles, and I think crystals would blow her away, never mind one that size. Do you eat beef? Regrettably. Are you good at card games? I mean, what's the game? I'm not exceptional at any I can think of. What is your favorite musical? I don't like musicals. Did you ever play the Oregon Trail game? Omg yes!!! I LOVED playing it as a kid, especially the 3rd one, I think? Do you watch It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia? No. Who is your favorite country singer? I actually do enjoy Tim McGraw pretty consistently, but I don't actually seek out his music. Do you know anyone who is Mormon? An old best friend was. Do you like grunge? Yeah. What’s your favorite kind of cheese? American. What’s the most historic thing that has happened in your lifetime? Most likely Covid. What’s your funniest story involving a car? It's not hilarious, but once we were behind someone whose license plate said "omw" lmao. What scientific discovery would change the course of humanity overnight if it was discovered? Well, a proven Covid vaccine. Do you think that humans will ever be able to live together in harmony? Nope. What’s the scariest non-horror movie? Idk. What’s the most amazing true story you’ve heard? I'm not sure. What’s the most awkward thing that happens to you on a regular basis? Having to explain my Mark tribute tattoo lmao. What was one of the most interesting concerts you’ve been to? I've only ever seen Alice Cooper, and while it was great, "interesting" seems like the wrong word. Where are you not welcome anymore? Probably Jason's house, at least not by him. Or Colleen's, probably. Idk how she feels about me by now. What’s the most recent show you’ve binge watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender w/ Sara. What’s a common experience for many people that you’ve never experienced? Paying bills. What’s the smartest thing you’ve seen an animal do? I kid you not, our first cat would look both ways twice before crossing the street across our house. (Please do not allow your cats outside.) She'd do it even more when bringing her kittens there too to hunt. Chance was truly incredible. I could really give a lot of examples of her intelligence. I also had another childhood cat (my favorite before Roman) who would respond to a certain clap pattern I'd do if Mom let me bring him inside. Wherever Charcoal was wandering, he'd come running. What’s the dumbest thing someone has argued with you about? Oh, I'm sure it was RP-related stuff as a kid. What’s the longest rabbit hole you’ve been down? I'unno. What’s the saddest scene in a movie or TV series? Possible spoiler warning for a super old movie??? Probably when the main character of Old Yeller had to put the dog down because of rabies. But I cry like a bitch easily, so maybe there's something that tears me up even more or just as badly. What odd smell do you really enjoy? None that are "odd," really. What’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild? I've seen a mink once when fishing with Dad deep in the woods. What’s the best lesson you’ve learned from a work of fiction? Oh, I don't know. I'd have to think for a while & I don't feel like it. What food do you crave most often? Probably ice cream. Who in your life has the best/worst luck? I don't know about best, but my mom absolutely has the worst luck. Which apocalyptic dystopia do you think is most likely? A meteor, maybe? If you had a HUD that showed three stats about any person you looked at, what three stats would you want it to show? I'd want to know if they were criminals or just dangerous. What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen a kid do? Oh, my niece is so funny. One of the things that gave me the biggest laugh (and was most adorable) was this time I was taking family pictures for Ash at a local lake, and Aubree went running into the gazebo, span around totally like in a princess movie, and exclaimed, "It's enormous!" She is such a darling. If people could read your mind, what would they usually find? Just how bored I am, memories of Jason bc trauma, lamenting my disappointment in myself, "why is Mark so perfect," worrying about Sara, thinking of RP character developments... What celebrity would you like to meet? Mark. 100%. I would die to just thank him (if I could get words out, oof) and hug him and try not to soak his shirt in tears lmao. Do you need money to be happy? Don't bullshit me, you wouldn't be happy homeless because you can't afford a home. So to a degree, yes. What's a good idea you've had recently? Hm. What gift would you like to receive? At this current moment, Cloak's (Mark and Jacksepticeye's clothing brand) limited edition "life after death" design for a shirt. It is so fucking pretty, and I love the nature focus. What are you most excited about right now? Honestly? Getting my laptop back. I wanna play WoW lmao. What's your favorite song from a movie? Maybe uhhhhhh was "Supermassive Black Hole" actually written for Twilight? Where would you like to volunteer? I very, very badly want to volunteer to take pictures of animals up for adoption in shelters for like their social medias and stuff. I've asked like the two local places, but no bites yet. What's the last song you listened to? Metallica's cover of "Turn The Page." What's the last YouTube video you watched? I'm watching Gab Smolders play SOMA. Fantastic game.

[leah-halliwell92]

Too Much Love Can Kill You

Summary: Soul marks are found through touch and song, one must sing to find their half and touch completes their connection. To reject your mark is to sentence them to death. you have been on tour with Brian, Roger and Rufus for a year and have known them for nearly four. What happens when you find out along the way that you are the mark of one Brian May?

Previously:

“Um why don’t we all move to a bigger table and sit down?” You suggested lightly as Brian gave your hand a reassuring squeeze.

They all did as suggested and found a bigger table where you were sat between Brian and Roger.

Your mother saw this and hid a smile.

Your father did not look pleased. Jealousy could be seen on his face as Roger sat you between him and Brian with Mama Bear sitting next to Roger and Rufus on Brian’s other side.

If it weren’t for the table being round, it looked like your parents were on trial.

Things are going to get good.

Prologue – Chapter 1– Chapter 2 – Chapter 3 — Chapter 4 – Chapter 5 –Chapter 6 – Chapter 7 – Chapter 8 – Chapter 9 – Chapter 10 – Chapter 11 – Chapter 12 – Chapter 13

Chapter 14

A waiter walked by and took your drink orders before leaving you to the deathly and near buzzing silence of the table. 

You sat between your pseudo-dad and Mark resisting the urge to laugh as your father’s gaze shifted from Roger to Brian, then to you before repeating. You also wanted to break the silence but had absolutely no idea of how to go about it. 

“So (Y/N),” your mother began with a small grin, “Where did you get the inspiration for ‘Parental Guide’?”

You weren’t expecting that to be the ice-breaker. You’d hoped it wouldn’t be the ice breaker. This song is the one that got you noticed in the music business, it is also the hardest song you’ve had to write to date. Considering it’s all about how grateful you are to your parents for the morals they instilled in you as a child, for always being a unified front and loving you as well as each other. But also about how neglected you felt when you would talk about what you wanted to do if it didn’t meet the phantom expectations that were set for you to fulfill.

You wanted to say Roger for shits and giggles for that same reason but held yourself from doing so. That would only get you in trouble and your father punched by Roger.

“One of my roommates at the time recommended I do some soul searching and dug deep. That way I could write from the heart and not just what I wanted to put down on paper,” you said with a grin remembering the day she told you to not ‘write from your pussy.’

That didn’t really answer her question, but your mother isn’t stupid. She knows, or has an idea of, where you got your inspiration from. 

“I’ve yet to hear that song,” Rufus said earning him an elbow to the ribs from Sarina.

“Oh really,” she said, “Then why’d you come home one day preaching about the and I quote, “Next top writer in the scene”?”

He blushed at that but kept quiet.

“It’s a lovely song,” Brian said as he shifted enough to subtly put a hand on your thigh.

Your father looked like he was ready to scoff but held it in.

Your mother on the other hand cracked on, “I also loved the song “Father’s Daughter”.”

That caught your father’s attention.

You wanted to hide. 

The look on your mother’s face looked harmless enough. When in reality she was pushing an old issue to push a reconciliation between you and your father. 

‘You seem to forget how stubborn he can be mom,’ you thought holding back a wince.

“I love the part when you sing about your likeness to him and how similar you both are,” your mother said with a soft sigh, “I also love the part you mention your pass times when you were little.”

“She also sings about the pain she felt when he laughed in her face every time she said she spoke of the future,” Roger said eyes like ice as they stared your mother down.

Brian gave your thigh a squeeze in comfort as your father glared in your general direction.

“She should have known to go into successful fields,” your father grumbled.

“I did that...but found my way here anyway,” Roger shot back with a small shrug.

“Not to mention I was already an old man when I finished my PhD,” Brian put in with a thoughtful hum.

“And me in Biology...” Roger added with another hum.

“And by that point they were already musical legends in their own right,” Rufus added taking.

You wanted to laugh and almost did when he arrival of the waiter with your drinks broke through you.

The drinks were passed out giving everyone something to do if/when things got awkward.

Your father took a long drink from his cup before clearing his throat again while your mother looked more than a little uncomfortable at the turn the conversation had taken.

What had she expected? That he’d jump for joy when she mentioned the songs? That he’d magically get over it and accept that this is what you do now?

It took a moment for you to gather what strength you have, look at your parents and say, “It’s why I did my schooling while pursuing music. To have a backup plan incase my musical career didn’t take off.”

“You should have stayed in what you studied,” you father said voice hard, “I knew I should have made sure you were going down the right path.”

“What is the right path dad?” You ask incredulously.

“The path I had chosen for you!” He nearly yelled.

“(Father’s name),” your mother hissed nudging his shoulder with hers.

“You should have gone into medicine,” he said as if he hadn’t heard her and sighed before continuing, “Mr. Parker from across the street said he’d have given you a full ride through medical school in exchange for your hand in marriage.”

You paled at this revelation.

“(Father’s name)!” Your mother gasped in shock at this.

“Did you know about this!?” Roger asked angrily.

“No! Absolutely not,” your mother said still in shock.

“I’m done,” you say and stand from the table and leave to your suite ignoring your mother calling your name.

Rufus stood and followed after you.

“You ass!” Your mother yelled at your father hitting him with her bag, “Couldn’t stand to see her happy could you? When you mentioned that I thought it was rhetorical!”

“You arranged a marriage for your only daughter only to call it a joke when asked about it!?” Sarina yelled angrily.

Out of everyone, Brian was the only who was still having a hard time believing what your father had done. He wanted to be hopeful that there was a chance at a reconciliation between you just as he had with his own father.

“It was necessary,” your father said.

“Necessary!” Roger yelled, “It was necessary to trap her?!”

Your mother was in tears as the worst case scenario flashed through her mind.

“We’d have killed her,” she said through her tears.

Brian looked at your mother in confusion and asked, “What would you have done to secure (Y/N)’s happiness?”

She looked at Brian eyes wide and shining with tears and said, “Nothing. I wouldn’t have done a thing because I believed that what he wanted for us was right...not only for us but for her future as well.”

“And (Y/N)?” Roger asked incredulously anger dripping from his voice, “When would her happiness have counted to you in the scheme of things? Hmm? When she found her mark and died because she was trapped in a marriage she didn’t want?”

Your mother broke down again at that and your father swallowed thickly. 

“Jacob Parker would’ve rather seen her dead than let her go and you know that,” your mother said staring at your father hard.

“Well...um...he is a good boy my love,” he stammered.

“Don’t you ‘my love’ me,” she said harshly, “Jacob Parker grew up to be a possessive and oppressive man. He’d have rather killed her himself than seen her happy.”

She turned to Roger and said, “She spent months before she left to college telling me of all these wonderful things she was going to learn for her minor in music. I never took the chance to sit down and listen to her and her plans...”

The Taylors and Brian looked at your mother as she gave a humorless laugh.

“Maybe I would still be in her life if I had,” she said her chin trembling as she resisted the urge cry again, “(Y/N) had always expressed herself best through art...no matter if it was music or drawing. It shouldn’t have surprised me when she chose meteorology as her major in school.”

She grinned at that and said, “Always with her head in the clouds that one...”

“She needed to be pulled down to reality...” Your father said gruffly. 

“What she needed was our support,” your mother said angrily, “Her music spoke her love and respect for her family...for us. But it also spoke of how neglected she felt when it came to her dreams. She wanted so much to involve us and talk to us about what she wanted to do and why and we just...”

Tears fell unbidden as years of rejected conversations and hurt flood back.

“You were her ear,” Sarina said in understanding but in a neutral tone.

Your mother nodded.

“You did your best,” Sarina said. 

“But that was not enough,” your mother said through her tears, “I should have fought for her as a mother should.”

Roger felt for her and could understand where she was coming from and why, he’d seen his mother go through the same. The only difference here is that your father isn't abusive...physically at least.

“My husband may be a traditionalist Mr. Taylor but he isn’t abusive,” your mother said quietly as if she’d read his mind.

“I concur with that,” Brian said and went into what you’d told him about your father.

Your mother gave your father an ‘I told you so’ look and nodded. 

“I’m going to go check on her,” Sarina said and left the table.

“Can...” your mother started, “Can I go with you?”

Sarina looked to Roger who nodded. 

You need to talk to your mother, they both knew this was the only way things were going to make any sense to you...it would also leave hope in its wake to a reconciliation between you and her.

Roger crossed his arms as the ladies left more than prepared for a fight.

–//–

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–//–

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[miraculousmidnightreviews]

There will definitely be an explanation for my review of reputation

Album: reputation 

Artist: Taylor Swift Rating: 5/5 stars

I would first like to preface this review with one fact: reputation is my favorite album by Taylor Swift. It should be noted that I did not rate this album based on the average of each individual song rating. (If I did, the actual album rating would be 4.5 stars.) But I felt that this album deserved more. So much more.

What I admire most about reputation is its honest introspectiveness. I think it’s safe to say that no one predicted this album to be The Next Taylor Swift Album. The lead single is distinctly not like previous Swift singles, providing an unexpectedly darker side to Swift. And the album cover is devoid of Swift’s usual bright or pastel colors. Yet what people brushed off as a risky and failed move designed to turn around Swift’s career, her reputation, became the most truthful album of her discography. 

At this point, whether you’re a fan of Swift or not, you can’t doubt her abilities. She knows how to create chart-topping hits; she knows how to pen heart-wrenching ballads; she’s done it before. And she’ll continue to do so for the rest of her career. But reputation was never meant to be the next 1989, the next record-breaking financial success (although it was to some extent). This album was meant to be something else entirely: an admittedly risky exploration that only Swift could pull off. 

And I respect that immensely. This album is honest, and it’s brave. It might not be her most sonically cohesive or lyrically complex album, but it wins anyways. I love that the songs are in chronological order as they pertain to Swift’s life, and while that means it can be hard to listen to the songs without skipping around, the album itself is a journey through Swift’s year of solitude, through her mind space and blossoming relationship, through her life away from the eyes of the public and the media. To me, it’s clear Swift wrote reputation not because she needed to stick to her schedule of releasing an album every other year, but because she just needed to cope with events in her life. I appreciate that maybe even more than the honesty: that Swift wrote this album because she needed it; she wrote it for herself and no one else.

In anticipation of Lover coming out on Aug. 23, I will be reviewing each of Swift’s albums up until the forthcoming album’s release. I can’t wait to listen to new TS music, and I hope these reviews will provide a wistful and refreshing glance at past eras as we look forward to a brand new one.

Continue reading below for my review of each individual song.

1) ...Ready For it?

Rating: 4/5 stars

*clears throat*

At first listen, I was unsure of the mix of rap and singing. But it’s now one of the songs from this album that I play when I’m in That Mood™.

Did I mention Taylor raps?!?

The pre-chorus is so “Wildest Dreams”-esque that I can’t. I just can’t. (Also, sexy!)

That Elizabeth Taylor reference!!! I love it when artists make pop culture references in their works. It gives me a dopamine rush.

As always, it’s nice to hear Swift play with the perception of herself. She’s just so great at turning her reputation as portrayed by the media into a clever and witty line or song.

i’M So vERy TAme nOW (Sarcasm on point. She did that.)

2) End Game (feat. Future & Ed Sheeran)

4/5 stars

Taylor raps! Pt. 2

BIG REPUTATION

I love the features on this one, and I’m very surprised by Future. But that’s Taylor Swift, keeping us on our toes.

This song includes the first of many references to alcohol from this album. A first for Swift, but all those who are surprised need to grow the fuck up. Because Swift certainly did.

Also, notice “End Game” has the first mention of gold, a motif that will continue throughout the album.

3) I Did Something Bad

Rating: 5/5 stars

Probably my favorite song from this album. The live performance was also my favorite of hers. 

badass vibes all the way

IF A MAN TALKS SHIT THEN I OWE HIM NOTHING

I am absolutely in love with the feminist-y witch metaphor in the bridge. Iconic.

Also cool that Swift was inspired by Game of Thrones for this and other songs from this album.

4) Don’t Blame Me

Rating: 5/5 stars

All the gospel feels

TAKE ME TO CHURCH, TAYLOR!!!

THAT high note

Once again, the honesty

5) Delicate

Rating: 5/5 stars

When the album first came out, this was the song that I immediately played the most and connected to. I just adore how she was able to take these universal feelings and put them into a song that anyone just starting a relationship can relate to.

The music video is so underrated. It’s so cute and happy and I just love it and her so much.

1 2 3, LET’S GO BITCH!!!!!!

The repetition of “isn’t it?” to reflect anxiety is, once again, an example of Swift’s lyrical genius.

6) Look What You Made Me Do

Rating: 4/5 stars

YOU’LL ALL GET YOURS

A lot of people did not like this song when it first came out and some still don’t. I happen to like it a lot. While the chorus is not my favorite, the verses bite with amazing zingers and that’s what hooks me.

I think when everyone first heard this song, we assumed the rest of the album would sound similarly: dark and filled with vengeance. But with the exception of a few songs, I would consider reputation to be one of Swift’s happiest albums. There are certainly dark overtones, but at its heart, reputation is an album about love and acceptance in the aftermath of Swift’s metaphorical death. If you consider 1989 for comparison, the composition of its songs (and even the album cover) present a romantic and hopeful facade, when actually, many songs have depressing lyrics about the fate of romantic relationships.

The bridge is so reminiscent of the bridge from Blank Space in a way. They give me similar vibes, except LWYMMD’s is the follow-up to that of Blank Space.

This song has one of my favorite music videos ever. I love when artists tell stories through their music videos, and Swift never fails at storytelling. (Also, a fantastic lyric video!)

7) So It Goes…

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

I feel like this song embodies what everyone expected from this album at first glance: dark, techno pop.

This one doesn’t really do much for me, but I enjoy the extended metaphor of the magician. 

Too much techno, in my opinion.

But sexyyy—“scratches down your back”

8) Gorgeous

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

This song gives me old Taylor vibes, just with a new production.

“Gorgeous” does such an excellent job at conveying the thoughts and feelings surrounding first attraction between two people.

“I guess I’ll just stumble on home to my cats.” Relatable.

Give the original lyrics a listen from Swift’s the making of a song video. They’re heartbreaking.

9) Getaway Car

Rating: 5/5 stars

Now this bitch is DEFINITELY old Taylor storytelling at its finest.

That Tale of Two Cities reference!

THat BRidGE!!!

“And a circus ain’t a love story. And now we’re both sorry.”

Just the complexity of feelings portrayed in this song is utter perfection.

Bonnie & Clyde!!!

This is one of those classic Taylor songs that you turn all the way up while driving down the highway at 70 miles per hour, screaming at the top of your lungs. GO GO GO!!

(not that I’ve ever done that. I follow all speed limits :))

10) King of My Heart

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

The only reason this song doesn’t get 5 stars is because I could have done without the added production (less techno plz).

The beginning always gets me. This and “Call it What You Want” have the saddest beginning lines on the album.

Overall, this is just cute af. Pure fluff.

“jAguARs”

The drums on tour were a wonderful bonus.

Also, the bridge. Swift writes some damn good bridges on this album and just in general.

11) Dancing With Our Hands Tied

Rating: 2.5/5 stars

This song, like “So it Goes…,” doesn’t really do much for me, even though it seems to be a fan favorite. I really preferred the acoustic version of this that she played on tour.

But I appreciate the versatility of her song topics as well as her voice.

12) Dress

Rating: 5/5 stars

First reaction while listening to this song: OMG TAYLOR!!! sexyyyyyy

Her voice *heart eyes*

The pre-chorus is so much fun to sing!!!

“I’m spilling wine in the bathtub” gives me high school party vibes for some reason lol

13) This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Rating: 4/5 stars

I really love everything about this song, except for the chorus. It just wasn’t as fun to sing along to as the rest of the song. (Although purposefully making it sound childish was an effective way to get her point across).

 That Gatsby reference!

love Love LOVE the tongue-in-cheek attitude

She missed the parties :(

14) Call It What You Want

Rating: 5/5 stars

so soft & pure

A recovery song is what we really deserve. I love that Taylot took this time for herself.

My heart just bursts when I hear this song. 

That feminist bridge tho—a mature and fulfilling continuation of “Love Story” in a way

15) New Year’s Day

5/5 stars

Bittersweet—the perfect closing song to this album

This song perfectly showcases Swift’s heartachingly beautiful songwriting talent. 

“please don’t ever become stranger whose laugh I recognize anywhere” really gets me.

With this conclusive song, I can say that Taylor Swift is truly happy and okay. And I’m so proud.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this review! Check out other reviews here!

[journeysintowebcomics]

Worm Liveblog #109

UPDATE 109: The Moment Skitter Achieves Her Goal

Last time Taylor saw Coil’s move: he sent a double and his villain lackeys to attack the mayoral debate, injuring Director Piggot in the process and managing to place himself as the big boss of the Protectorate. What shall be done now? Let’s continue.

Skitter’s eyesight hasn’t gotten any better during the trip between the hospital and Coil’s lair. She’s relying on her swarms to look, and since her brain isn’t using her eyes properly, there’s space for her to process everything the bugs are sensing, giving her a decent perception of her surroundings. It’s not that good, but it’s something! At least it’s enough for her to notice this place is empty.

The on-duty squads of soldiers were gone, as were the trucks, weapons, supplies and furniture.  The entire ground floor was desolate, with clean patches in the dust where furniture and crates had been.

Sounds to me like Coil not only is going underground by faking his death, he also just...abandoned his villain teams. I don’t recall anything indicating he would pack and leave, so this must be a surprise. Is Noelle still locked in a vault in the depths of this hideout? Did Coil abandon her, just...leaving her behind deep underground? The Travelers can’t have been happy about that. It could be a way to finally convince them to side with the Undersiders and try to throw Coil off his newfound throne.

Still, how’s anyone supposed to contact Coil now? Are all the communications limited to the cellphone line? I don’t think going to the PRT offices will help keep a low profile, so that may not be an option.

This hideout isn’t as empty as it seemed, the Travelers are here. Coil may have left the hideout to them, due to Noelle being in that vault! They noticed the swarms of bugs going around, so knowing that meant Skitter was nearby, they went up to meet her. Hello, guys! Skitter may be alone or just with Tattletale, but she sure isn’t mentioning that, instead she says the rest of the team is upstairs.

“Just saying, but you know Coil’s dead, right?” Trickster asked. “I saw it happen,” I answered him. I chose my words carefully, “So I have a very good idea of how dead the man is.” “Fair enough.”

Did the Travelers know in advance what Coil was planning to do? Seeing how they tried – half-assedly, may I add – to say Coil was totally dead and not sitting in the PRT’s offices right now, maybe only the Undersiders were supposed to be unaware he survived.

There’s still some hostility when the topic of Noelle is touched, the atmosphere is uncomfortable. Trickster, being the only one to be talking, is unashamedly hostile, pretty much listing all of the grievances he has against the Undersiders. It’s okay to cooperate in order to destroy a common enemy, it’s okay to try to sweet-talk someone in the team, it’s okay to try to convince enemies to join them, but they’re not friends! Honestly, that’s fine. Trickster isn’t really someone to be fond of. If he doesn’t want to cooperate with the Undersiders and would rather to be antagonistic towards them then fine, more power to him. He better not get in the way, though. All his hostility is fine as long as he doesn’t cause trouble for the Undersiders.

“There has to be more common ground there.  We can’t meet, share a box of donuts and talk about ways to mutually benefit our territories?”

Aw, that’s kind of sweet. Skitter truly wants to connect with them, maybe help each other. She sure is willing to give them a chance, and even try to benefit the people in the Travelers’ territories. Sadly, her befriending efforts don’t work at all.

“The fact that you have to ask that is a pretty good indication of how clueless you are about this. Let’s count the ways.  One, I don’t give a ratfuck about my territory or the people in it.  None of us do.”

Charming. I’m not surprised at all he doesn’t care about anyone except his own team, and that I have doubts about. Does he really speak for everyone? Is everybody in the Travelers as cold as he is? I never had the impression they were, honestly. Sundancer, for example, seems to disagree, but I really doubt any of them will pipe up and say that hey, they care about the people in the territories, even if they won’t talk with Skitter.

“Two,” he continued, “We don’t plan to be here much longer anyways.  Either Coil fulfills his end of the bargain and we’re out of this hellhole, or he doesn’t and we take a hike anyways.  Take our chances elsewhere.”

Or, and listen to me here, Coil keeps baiting them around with more promises and excuses, and that way the Travelers stick around against their will. If he doesn’t fulfill the promise, will the Travelers just drag Noelle around, with whatever problem she has? Ballistic plans to stay here in Brockton Bay to continue working with Coil, buuut what if others decide to do that too, since nobody is satisfied with Trickster’s leadership? He’s taking for granted everyone’s going to leave.

For a moment Skitter considers mentioning Ballistic plans to stay and I’m really thankful she didn’t. Trying to cause dissent in the Travelers wouldn’t work. Ballistic would get so annoyed and upset, and nobody would believe her. Really, I’m glad she didn’t even try.

Skitter stops Trickster from continuing his spiel for much longer, she gets the message: he’s not interested at all on working with the Undersiders for anything, they don’t need the Undersiders anymore.  To try to end this, Skitter goes straight to the point and says she had come here to offer the Travelers to come along when they ask something to Coil.

“Coil went to a lot of effort in putting together his grand plan.  He died in a blaze of glory and violence, just like he wanted.  Do you really want to spoil that by going on about how he’s still alive?”

...alright, so. Um. The reason why Trickster is repeating this is because Skitter maybe has a communication device recording this conversation, or is bugged – haha, very funny – or something. The thing is...would anyone believe Coil did all this long, calculated, complicated plan using dozens of people and untold amounts of money, all to kill himself in the end? I can guarantee absolutely nobody would believe such a thing. In fact, I bet if the heroes listened to this conversation, they’d take Trickster’s constant denial as a sign Coil likely isn’t dead. Besides...

“You mean outside of the possibility that you’re wired and my saying the wrong thing could out him?  Whatever.”

Saying that is as good as admitting Coil is alive. What’s plausible denial? Hell if Trickster knows.

The conversation ends in no unclear terms: the Travelers are not coming. Everyone enters the apartments they’re living in right now, leaving Skitter behind. Genesis is the only one who is left, she talks to Skitter for a moment, trying to appease her by saying Trickster is stressed because a lot he has worked for all this time is relying on the next two days. While that’s an understandable reason to be stressed and lashing out, he’s going a tad too far. I’m sure even after these two days he’ll continue behaving like this, so what will the excuse be by then?

“Then good luck with your thing,” she said.  “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope I never see you again.”

How the hell am I supposed to take that?

There isn’t really a right way to take that. Joke’s on you, Genesis, you’re gonna keep seeing Skitter over and over again because she’s the protagonist of this story.

This badly-executed meeting wasn’t a waste of time for Skitter, she managed to get something out of it: knowledge Coil is up to something shady. It seems he did inform the Travelers of what he had been planning to do, and he may have intended to keep the Travelers away while Skitter talked to him. If he really was going to free Dinah, then he wouldn’t mind if the Travelers were there. Or...something like that. The wording is a tad confusing, but as I see it, the core of Skitter’s point is that Coil wouldn’t make it so there are no witnesses if he truly planned to fulfill his end of the deal. I’m completely unsurprised about that.

The second thing Skitter figured out by coming here was obvious once she found out the place had been abandoned: Dinah isn’t here. Well yeah! I’d be surprised if she had been left behind. Since I’m unconvinced he’s going to let her be free, he’s going to keep her under his control. The thing is...where could he have her? In the very likely scenario he is Thomas Calvert it’s not like he can keep her in a cell in the depths of the Protectorate building.

Turns out Skitter hadn’t been bluffing when she said the Undersiders were up there, waiting for any signal something had gone wrong, they’re all waiting on the roof and areas around the roof. Skitter cautions them to not wait on such a visible place, as a sniper may shoot them.

“You said these suits were bulletproof,” Imp said.  I noticed how she didn’t move.

They might be bulletproof. They do can withstand a blade, but they may not be bulletproof. Look, even if it is, I don’t think the costume will protect them from falling from the roof onto the ground.

Alright, looks like Skitter already has a plan and an idea of how this will be like: they will summon Thomas Calvert to meet them in a place on top of a building. This is supposed to stop him from just killing them all, too, so it’s all for increased safety. Feels a lot like a hostage negotiation, haha! Looks like it’ll be here, in the building that used to host the hideout, and to avoid being trapped Skitter makes it so they have a lifeline: swing off the edge of the building to safety. Hah! Fun times. She can’t guarantee it’ll be safe, but anyone would take a dangerous move with a chance of working, over a situation where it’s guaranteed they’ll die.

Everything Skitter is talking about here is about ways to be safe for when Coil inevitably turns against them. She knows Coil knows very well how all of their powers work, thanks to his extensive experience with them – on two timelines, as if that wasn’t enough. Skitter will set up all the precautions she can take at a time like this, but she doesn’t have much faith she’d be able to pull off something Coil hasn’t seen or heard about before. Aw, don’t be like that, Skitter! You have done waaaay more than what your enemies know you can do, you’ll be fine.

The Undersiders position themselves according to their prominence in the story, for strategic and emotional support purposes. Skitter, Grue and Tattletale are to the front, Imp, Heckpuppy and Regent to the back. On the other end of the roof, Coil makes act of presence. Indeed, it is Thomas Calvert. Skitter wastes no time, passing bugs all over Calvert’s face right away, experience I’m sure he found annoying.

“Undersiders.  After your last interaction with Director Piggot, I assumed you would want to speak to me and try establishing ground rules?”

“We know it’s you, boss,” Regent said.

My bugs caught the slightest exhalation from Director Calvert’s nostrils, a minor expression of annoyance. “The Travelers were a little more circumspect.”

Oh my god, everyone wants to pretend things aren’t as straightforward as they truly are, and the Undersiders aren’t playing along. Truly, the Undersiders aren’t into subtlety. I note he’s admitting this in front of the PRT squad that’s accompanying him, so I suppose everybody he’s with is part of his mercenaries. He’s getting his trained soldiers into the organization he controls now, I see.

Coil isn’t happy to see Skitter and the rest of the Undersiders are wearing their costumes, defying the order he had given about not wearing the stuff. Skitter argues that, since she got injured in the attack earlier, she’d rather play safe, as she wouldn’t have gotten injured if she had been costumed. True, but she also wouldn’t have been with Dad Hebert, so...would she have been at the town hall in the first place?

Once Calvert is certain Skitter and the rest didn’t get a surge of traitorous demeanor and tried to have a listening device here, he talks freely about what happened. Everyone in the room was carefully selected and briefed on what they had to do. The two mayoral candidates were recruited long ago, no word on if they were told they were going to get stabbed. Maybe they were! Circus and Chariot were hired nearly a year and a half ago, and both grew into the public’s perception according to Coil’s plans. I’m sure Coil already knew Chariot had been found out, anyway. Uber and Leet are recent hires, just for convenience.

Most reporters were selected and stationed well in advance, claiming the rear of the room where they would bear the brunt of the attack, so to speak.”

“They didn’t die?” I asked.

...that has to be the most surprising part of the entire hubbub. I notice it says ‘most’, so perhaps those Coil didn’t recruit did perish? Regardless, pieces of people must have been prepared in advance to simulate the deaths, although this all would mean their careers are over. All the money Coil must have paid them better have been worth it.

“The reporters, as I said, were plants. I needed news reporters in place who would be sure to catch the details I wanted them to catch.  Some editing of the footage just prior to it being sent to the news stations served to smooth rough edges and highlight key points.”

Okay, I’m satisfied! That explains so well the gap in logic I had mentioned in the last update, about how it was being taken for granted the reporters and their crew would be able to make content that showed Coil’s death! It was all planned. It never crossed my mind, the reporter crews would be part of Coil’s hired people as well. I’m really glad this was all mentioned! Thanks for realizing what was going on and taking measures to fill that hole, Mr. Wildbow, this is why you’re a good writer.

The point of the attack was to make Director Piggot look as ineffectual as possible. They doubtlessly will use some doctored footage from the attack to make her look bad! Or at least I hope so, because getting stabbed isn’t really a sign of uselessness. Mrs. Padillo will be the new mayor, and also some guy named Thomas Grove will recover. I thought the other mayoral candidate was supposed to be called Keith Grove, but okay.

Coil had prepared his plan so well he even had a second power supply ready to explode in case the heroes got rid of the first one, they had it in the lobby. He mentions how carefully everything was calculated, and that he left the crowd largely untouched. He also confirms they had engineered a technology that worked similarly to Trickster, using that to teleport masses of flesh in place of the press, so those would be blown up by the explosion. All in all, this entire thing seems to have been much less cruel than I thought it was. I’m sure Director Piggot would disagree, what with being stabbed.

Looks like this is the last time Circus, Uber and Leet will appear in the story, as they’ll be leaving Brockton Bay and won’t even have to return to a life of crime. No big loss for the story, really.

To us, he said, “It just isn’t worth killing good help.  Should my ultimate plans here fall through, it’s better to have individuals like them on reserve.”

Does that mean Skitter isn’t in danger of being killed soon? I’m glad. It’s not going to stop her from fighting Coil, but if he believes he can get her to cooperate...

There’s some more villainous monologue here, Calvert is explaining what will happen next in his plan to establish his grip onto Brockton Bay. As Director, he’ll lead the campaign against the villains. Now there are only two groups left in the city: the Undersiders and the Travelers. The Travelers will be the first ones targeted, and they will avoid capture. Huh. Is that why Genesis was saying in forty-eight hours there’d be some important results? The Travelers would elude capture and leave the city with a heap of cash – guess Ballistic won’t have the option of sticking around.

It’s a good idea to make it so fast, though. It’d make Calvert look like a pretty competent director, and although maybe some people would be skeptical about how fast he managed to defeat one of the very powerful villain teams, there’d be no proof of any sort of alliances.

The Undersiders would be losing their territories in the incoming months, too. They’d get away too, with amazing amounts of money, and a couple Undersiders would rule over nearby cities with villain presence, pretty much working as Calvert’s proxies in terms of power. All in all, it’s a pretty good and reasonable plan, for a villain. Too bad Calvert has no honor – I’ll never get over how he shot his captain in the back to heighten his odds of escaping.

“Why become PRT director?” Grue asked. “Why not mayor?”

“All eyes will be on the mayor after the recent fiasco.  Mr. Grove will serve as a red herring, drawing all suspicious eyes to him before he defers the election to Mrs. Padillo.  Besides, who would you rather rule?  A dozen capes or fifty thousand unpowered civilians?”

I meeeeeean...I’d rather to be under the rule of someone who knows what they’re doing for the benefit of the city, the number and power or lack thereof is irrelevant.

“You said the Travelers will be the first to be ousted,” I said.  “Does that mean you’ve found a solution to their problem?”

“No.  But we have several last resort answers, and those will be exhausted soon.”

Sounds to me like he already knows those last resort answers won’t work. Trickster isn’t going to be happy to hear that, but methinks he’s already resigned to that possibility.

With my bugs, I noted Tattletale making a hand gesture.  Left index finger and middle finger pressed together, she tapped her thumb against the tips of the other two fingers.

What’s this gesture supposed to mean? I replicated it and all, but I just don’t get the meaning. This was done right after Calvert mentioned the last resort options will be exhausted soon.

Now here comes the point Skitter was waiting for: Dinah. Calvert offers to give Skitter executive powers in naming the measures she’d like to see pass, including employment stimulation for laborers and a restoration of the ferry services – measures that’d be quite beneficial for Dad Hebert, whose identity I’m sure Calvert knows. This continued cooperation will go on for another year, and then Dinah would be freed. In other words: he’s trying to avoid fulfilling his agreement with Skitter. In terms of...well, terms, it’s not a bad agreement! Quite tempting, especially for someone who wants the best for her territory and its people, but Skitter really wants to have Dinah out of Calvert’s clutches. That I agree with.

...although...I won’t lie; Calvert’s offer is really tempting. Oh well.

“No,” I told him.  “I’m sorry, but you’ve got to let her go.”

“Then I will.  I’m disappointed, but I won’t have it said that I’m not a man of my word.”

My heart was pounding.  Just like that?

Nope! No no no no no. I won’t believe it until Dinah is safe and sound. I just can’t believe Calvert would let Dinah go, no way.

Calvert gives Taylor two options: she may return Dinah to her family, or she can pass her onto Skitter’s custody. He better mean ‘your custody’ as in ‘I’ll pass her to you and then you’ll deal with returning her’, instead of giving her to Skitter so she adopts her. Skitter decides Dinah shall be delivered to her family.

“Very well.  With your permission, we’ll release her to her parents, with some covert surveillance to ensure she does not reveal any details of my greater mission.”

So...this means it’s likely Dinah will be stalked for the rest of her life. That’s better than being drugged and captive in Coil’s hideout, but it’s far from an ideal situation. I hope that, now that Dinah will be free, Skitter still fights Coil, although that’ll be much more difficult now that he’s the director of the local PRT.

Tattletale and Regent shall go down to check on Noelle, while the rest go with Skitter to greet Dinah and make sure she’s delivered to her family. While these final cautious arrangements are made, all Skitter can do is stand around, flabbergasted something went right for once! For maybe the second time ever since Worm started, something Skitter fought hard for has been achieved, seemingly without any drawbacks! Haha, when things always crash and burn afterwards, these moments of triumph must be delightful.

For weeks, months, I’d been bracing myself to hear Coil say no.  To hear him say ‘I promised I’d consider it’ or ‘I promised to release her when my plan reached its conclusion, and that won’t happen for another year.’

Technically he did the latter. He just made it be an optional thing that Skitter could accept or reject.

There’s a fifteen minute ride, until they arrive at a building where there’s a squad of armed soldiers, a man who wasn’t armed, and a little girl. Hm...it’s kind of worrying Skitter can’t see yet. She has her bugs, but in my opinion, there’s a chance Coil may have arranged some sort of impostor. They let Coil return an impostor to the family, Skitter thinks everything is fine and dandy, and Coil gets away with keeping Dinah. It’s not that much of a stretch. Have any of the Undersiders seen Dinah, ever? I think Skitter has, but I’m not certain. What I’m trying to say is that it’s not impossible she’s some sort of decoy.

She hasn’t even said a word. I’m still pretty worried here.

The rather intense headlights of the truck are turned on, if Skitter had been able to see it would have been blinding. She tries to give Dinah some reassurance and finds nothing. It’s not that Dinah was suddenly pulled away or anything, though.

It’s that Skitter was teleported. It doesn’t take me long to realize it must have been similar to the technology he used during the town hall attack earlier. He teleported things and people around back then, after all.

So yeah, this was a trap. Calvert and a squad of his soldiers are in front of her, while she’s standing there surrounded with containment foam. Calvert himself had his gun aimed at her.

“No monologue?” I asked, “You’re not going to explain how you did it?  How you’re going to deal with my teammates or explain what happened to me?”

Hmmmmm...if it was anything like what happened at the town hall, he must have swapped Skitter with something or someone. Whatever it was, it wouldn’t be convenient if Grue and Heckpuppy, who’d be nearby, get alarmed and realize Calvert isn’t playing fair. Perhaps a Skitter impostor? One that’d vanish mysteriously in a while, to never be seen again?

Regardless, the last line in this chapter is Calvert shooting his gun. No, no way Skitter is going to die here. She’s going to come close, and it’ll be hard to survive because she’s currently blind, but damn it’ll be difficult. I’m looking forward to finding out how she’ll get out of this! But that’ll be for next time.

Next time: in three updates

[taylorverse]

My Taylor Swift Story

@taylorswift 

hello taylor! can i just make a big point to say how incredible you are. so i don’t really make these sorts of posts because it just seems unrealistic to be not just noticed by you but by any other swifties. You, Miss Taylor Alison Swift are the actual reason why some people are still living their day to day lives. I have literally grown up listening to your music and there’s always been an element of happiness that it brings me, whether its the vibe of the song or the melody or the lyrics or the sweet and pure way your voice echoes the words. I have had every single album of yours on repeat for all the times i’m hovering over the bath shaving my legs, procrastinating doing revision and literally jamming to old tswift songs in my bedroom. I have spent hours laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling playing all too well whilst i cry my eyes about relating the lyrics to how hard life can be and how difficult it is to keep going. But your music has always been a huge element of my well-being as it just provides a sense of stability; the songs you’ve sung is the poetry of my emotions and the lingering thoughts that I just can’t seem to say. My younger self didn’t even realise what a toll you had on me growing up, I always bought every single calender and all the albums. I remember my dad buying me the signed version of RED and it was just the happiest day of my life. I so clearly remember just holding it in my hands and feelings so happy in that moment. The years where i was beginning to get a bit older and things started to shift, your music was the constant that was always there and never left. I had dance parties where I would be alone in my bedroom singing with the huge poster of you hung above my bed (which once actually fell on my face in the middle of the night and was absolutely terrorfying). My favourite memory was sitting downstairs late at night, when I was like 9 and watching the livestream for RED when you sat in nashville and played acoustic songs on your guitar. I was so happy in that moment, to be able to just feel so connected to a woman who didn’t even know I existed was unlike anything I had ever felt before. Then came my birthday where my dad surprised me with Red tickets I LITERALLY CRIED. The night came and it was my first concert, it was one of the London nights and we sat right at the back. My most vivid memory of that night was the two people behind us who were obnoxiously going on about how they were gonna meet you after and that the show didn’t matter as much. Me and my dad would look at eachother with a jealous smirk and enjoyed the show. To be honest, I can’t actually remember that much but of what I do, I could have sworn you waved at me (even though there were probably about 4894 people in my direction) and the small kid i was held onto that as we trecked our way back on the train at midnight. As this was my first concert and I was so young, it felt so cool to be awake so late and I was in awe of the night I had experienced. 

Being at school, I was always known as the swiftie. I bought the drawstring Red tour bag from the concert because my dad said i couldn’t buy a top as he said “there’s no point in buying it if you’re going to grow out of it”. Anyway i used it as my PE bag and still do to this day. Everyone would tease me and I used to just SHAKE IT OFF and ignore the haterzzzz. My life was completely altered by that night, I wouldn’t stop thinking about it and I remember doing a show and tell in class where I played the videos I took of the concert on the big screen to my whole class as I passed around the rubber wristband I had too bought from that night. Everyone was so amazed by my experience, I was just so happy that I had seen my role model and that my life felt fulfilled at that point. 

I’m now in secondary school, I have never ever stopped playing your music. I even got an app to see how many times I had replayed songs and it turns out i have listened to Speak Now all the way through 800 times (not including the years of listening to it on my iPod). Then when one day I was sitting watching greys anatomy (wink), I got an instagram notification that you had posted a picture. My heart sank as I began to wonder WHAT THE HELL YOU POSTED since you had disapperred from earth. Seeing the what i know now as the snake, I literally jumped out of excitement & an overwhelming burst of confusion built up as I tried to figure out what the hell was happening. More pictures posted and my lil swiftie inside of me came rushing out as I just skipped around the living room. I still remember staying up late to watch LWYMMD music video. It was insane. I lay in my bed with my headphones plugged into my phone and quietly shrieked at the BEAUTY of it. At this point I wasn’t as indulged in the online fandom as I am now, so I started to follow accounts like @marthaswiftie on instagram to be more involved and find out all these crazy theories. The reputation album came out the year right before my life kinda went downhill. I remember the tickets came out for the tour and I didn’t even ask my parents to go because we were going through such a tough time that my own selfish wants were not the priority. 

So beginning 2018, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. We soon found out that it was terminal, which just broke our family individually in different ways. Our family is extreamely close and for something like this to happen, it was such a huge surprise that we just didn’t know how to react. My closest memory was sitting Physics class, just staring into space and all of these horrible thoughts were flooding my mind and all of the worst case scenarios just ruined me. Yet my naive self was so unaware of my emotion that I just carried on with my life, instead trying to be overly happy about life. At this point, my dad was is hospital most of the weeks spending time having his radiotherapy and chemotherapy done. I tried so hard to not think about it, that I ended up having so many breakdowns of which I spent crying my eyes out in my room just trying to hold onto hope that seemed so far away. Selfishly, I so wanted to see you on tour just to give me a pick-me-up but i felt so bad about wanting something for myself since I shouldn’t even be thinking of anything but him. Yet instead, I was so broken that I just ignored what was going on around me. This is what I’ve been learning to cope with and i think at points i felt so defeated. The tour month came up, i watched endless clips of people going and felt so hopeless in seeing you. I was in such a rut of trying to feel happier, yet trying to cover up the way I dealt with things by watching every Youtube video under the sun and literally all the shows on netflix to exist. Even writing this now feels so narrow-minded but it was just the way I was going through it. The literal day before the tour, my sister surprised me with tickets and i canNOT TELL YOU the rush of happiness I felt. I sobbed so much, I did not sleep as I lay thinking about what I was going to wear and the fact that i was going to see you in the flesh. 

The day came, and there are truly no words to describe it. I left school early, rushed home and did my makeup and hair. We hopped on the train and made our way up to london. I remember getting into Wembley and as soon as we walked out of the station I saw a huge group of people wearing merch tops and that’s when it started to kick in. We had a few hours, so we walked up and down the streets, me noticing all the outfits from music videos and award shows that people were dressed up in. Then we sat in nando’s, literally starving and as we ate our food just kept repeating to eachother, “we’re gonna see TAYLOR SWIFT” and every time it gave me goosebumps. A little girl came in as we were finishing, she had little cat ears on and a tutu. She had a top that she had DIYed herself that said I LOVE TAYLOR on it. My heart melted as we made our way out of the restaurant and grinned our way up to the stadium. The closer we got, we saw so many people with VIP necklaces and we looked at eachother rolling our eyes because we were jealous haha. I was so shocked by the diversity of people there, literally every type of person was surrounding us obviously in awe of the event that was about to occur. My favourite bit was walking up the huge pathway to the door entries, we came super early so I could get merch and our route was filled with girls screaming at the sight of eachother. My sister was so confused so I filled her in on the details of how so many people meet online through fan acounts and these concerts are where some of them finally meet. The merch queue was huge, but i had saved enough for a hoodie so we made the decision to stand in it. There were a few girls behind us complaining about the outfits people were wearing, we were annoyed because they kept saying “why do they dress up so much she’s not gonna see them” and my blood just boiled as their remarks piled on top of eachother. As we reached the front of the queue, we heard Charlie playing from the stadium because this line ended being 2 HOURS LONG. I didn’t care though, I said to my sister that the whole fun of it is to wait the long hours and dedicate our time to this day as it was a once in a lifetime. I bought the black hoodie with the zipped hood, they didn’t have small so I got Medium which ended being HUGE, but I love it because I snuggle in i every night. Straight after, my sister took a cute pic of me in the hoodie to send to my mum right before we were about to go through security. It was my first time at wembley so I had no idea what I was doing, but I just followed my sister as we got our bags checked and prepared ourself for the view we were about to whitness. My heart began beating so fast, I was in complete shock and my sister gripped my hand as we found our entry doorway. My first thought was, WHAT THE HELL. I had never been in such an overwhelming place. IT WAS HUGE. the amount of people there just left me in a sedated state for a second before we trudged down the stairs to find out seats. We were in block E, on the floor. It was my first time not being super high up, so i felt so privileged as i strut across the metal walkway feeling so happy about where i was. The struggle to find our seats was REAL. We spent ages when they ended up just being right in front of us the whole time. As soon as we scooted through the others, we sat down and just took a second to realise that we were about to whitness TAYLOR SWIFT PERFORM. My adrenaline was going crazy, my sister took tons of pictures and videos to send to my parents and they were so jealous! Then Camila came on, she was incredible. Everyone stood up as my short height meant I was staring at the huge screen, miming to lyrics to consequences and never be the same. She left and the stadium began to flll up and it just got so much louder. Anticipation grew, every single person in that stadium was just so happy. The Ready for It tune started and that’s when it all kicked off. I lifted myself from my seat, screamed to my hearts content as my sister sang along whilst also watching me give a performance in front of her. Every song was just so amazingly performed. Then when the b stage was next, the whole floor just legged it to get closer. I was nervous to lose my sister or the bags so i remember turning behind me as my sister grabbed the bags and said ‘go’. Little old me bent through the crowd, I ducked beneath and tried to get as close as I could. I remember standing on a chair and as I did i realised that i was less than 5 metres away from TAYLOR SWIFT. I sang along to So it goes and turning back every now and then to see where my sister was and I kept saying ‘Emma, I AM SO CLOSE I AM GONNA CRY’. Every now and then I would pull my phone out for videos but I wanted to grasp this moment as I let all my worries wash away and I whitnessed the most insane moment of my life. As the move for the next stage came, I followed the movement of the crowd as the security officers began to strictly tell people to stop standing on chairs. There I was, spinning around every now and then to see the crowd. Dress was the current song and my eyes lit up at the beauty of Miss swift. The concert followed with so much energy, the seats we had were right at the back of the floor but it was amazing to feel the lit up souls of everyone around me. There was just so much energy, so much love. One thing I remember was grooving to a song when the confetti began to float over us. We were so far back that it didn’t quite reach us yet this one piece was slowly floating mid air quite far back. I followed it with my eyes and reached to grab it as another girl took my opertunity. I was slightly annoyed, but the scenery of lights and idea of my idol being in the same room brought me back to happiness. The night ended with me and my sister talking on the phone to my mum, praising the show and just feeling so blessed. The nightmare of getting home began, as we got on the wrong train and then as we finally settled we were so tired that we almost got lost. My sisters boyfriend picked us up and we got home in a blur of sleep.

That night was unforgettable. It was just all my needs in one place, i felt so satisfied and i watched the videos I filmed of it months and months after, remenising on it. Coming back to present, TS7 is on its way. I woke up at 5am to see the ME! music video as soon as it comes out and see all of the hype. This has been the best day in ages. I have bought the song on itunes and streamed it on every device & app. My fingers literally ache from typing this in one sitting, but it was amazing because I just went through that night all over again from writing about it. But my point is. Whoever is reading this, Taylor or even just my grandma; there is happiness out there. I live by Taylor Swift and her music, she will always and forever be my role model, I LOVE YOU @taylorswift

[lynchgirl90]

KYLE MACLACHLAN FLIRTS WITH THE DARKNESS  #TwinPeaks 

David Lynch's most reliable guide reveals that Twin Peaks will never end, because everything is Twin Peaks.

BY

TYLER COATES

SEP 3, 2017

I am standing outside the Soho House in Manhattan when I get a text from an unknown number. "Hey Tyler. Kyle here. I'm on the sixth floor at the end of the room. (Walk towards the light! 😆) See you soon."

KYLE MACLACHLAN JUST TEXTED ME.

I stand in place for a moment. I take a breath.

Kyle MacLachlan just texted me a joke and he used an emoji.

My reply, which takes entirely too much time to compose, is simply to tell him I'll see him upstairs soon. He writes back: "Cool 👍" And I immediately picture FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper, the character he played on Twin Peaks (and is playing—sort of—on Twin Peaks: The Return) giving an ecstatic thumbs-up on the original iteration of the series.

I'm aware that I'm slightly nervous as I walk through the sixth floor restaurant. Meeting a famous person is nerve-racking! And MacLachlan is a big deal in my brain, maybe because I've been consumed all summer with Twin Peaks: The Return, David Lynch's revival of his cult classic TV series on which MacLachlan starred in its two-season run from 1990 to 1991. Maybe it's because MacLachlan is, let's face it, a very handsome man. He's also less foreboding in person than on television. His hair is a little messy rather than perfectly combed in place and shellacked with pomade; the collar on his navy polo shirt slightly popped in a breezily unkempt manner, as if he's on a late-summer vacation. (He lives not far from here in Manhattan.)

And maybe my nervousness is why I immediately bring up Blue Velvet, his second movie ever, and his second collaboration with David Lynch. I mention that I saw the movie when I was 13 or 14, somehow convincing my dad to let me rent it. (My mother's theory: "He probably thought it was about Elizabeth Taylor and a horse.") That's when MacLachlan gives a slightly embarrassed laugh, and he says, "I bet that was...frightening?" There's an iconic scene in which he's completely nude and Isabella Rosselini, clutching a butcher knife, goes down on him after their characters first meet. So yes, I was possibly frightened. But I knew then—as I know now, having seen much of David Lynch's work, with and without MacLachlan—that it was something interesting, peculiar, scary, and absurd, and everyone involved was willing to take a major risk to fulfill this one guy's crazy artistic notions.

I settle in my seat, and I remember that I'm here to talk about David Lynch—and Twin Peaks—with the man who has been the face of those notions for many years. Lynch is big on avatars and doppelgangers, the nature of good and evil, and fucking around with our ideas of the American Dream and the horrors that exist just below the surface, hidden thanks to our willful ignorance. And he's put all of this into the world by telling a large, expansive story with MacLachlan's face—still handsome after all these years—at the forefront.

What's the allure of Kyle MacLachlan, anyway? There is the obvious handsomeness, an all-American look that the actor attributes to one feature in particular. "It's the chin," he says with a laugh. "It's hard to get away from that." But there's something about his personality, too, that offsets—and maybe works in tandem—with his looks. He has a kind sensibility, an inherent goofiness that makes one naturally comfortable around him. He seems to have heard this before, from people who have tried to describe him without being able to put their finger on it exactly. Back to his face, just for a second: MacLachlan tells me that it's got an edge to it, so he hears, that has served as a trademark of sorts. "There's something off—that's the thing," he says. "People would always tell me, 'Something about your face is a little bit off.'" (Writer Rich Cohen once described him, in an early '90s profile in Rolling Stone, as "the boy next door, if that boy spent lots of time alone in the basement.") Does he sweat the comments he's received about the indiscernible weirdness of his persona, his face? Not really. "Listen, if it gets me work, that's fine," he says.

Lynch gave MacLachlan his first big break: the starring role in Dune, the anticipated adaptation of Frank Herbert's celebrated sci-fi novel. Most young actors dream of landing such a role, playing the hero in a big-budget Hollywood blockbuster helmed by a buzzy director (Lynch's previous film, The Elephant Man, earned eight Oscar nominations). But Dune was a disaster—both on the production side and once it was released, flopping with critics and audiences alike. It was a hard first lesson for MacLachlan: Expectations could work against you, and it was important to be a practical actor, not to dwell on the losses, and to always keep an eye out for the next thing.

The next thing happened to come not long after, when Lynch came back to him with the script for Blue Velvet and offered him the role of the lead, Jeffrey Beaumont. Blue Velvet was the second big break—the real one, the one that propelled MacLachlan's career forward, and what solidified his connection to his director and friend.

"David is not Hollywood," MacLachlan explains. "My sense of it was that people didn't know what to do with me." He'd done the post-Dune audition rounds, and he wasn't finding other jobs landing in his lap. "Somebody does a movie that makes a zillion dollars, he plays the young hero, and producers can plug him into a million other things," he says. "The smart ones obviously build a construct. Not everyone has that ability."

Blue Velvet introduced a regular theme that Lynch has examined throughout his work since, which MacLachlan describes as "flirting with that dark soul, getting closer and closer to it until you're faced with the ultimate evil." Despite the film's brutality, it has a somewhat happy ending—suggesting that triumph over evil is possible. "Jeffrey barely escapes," MacLachlan says, "but he's changed forever."

With Jeffrey Beaumont, MacLachlan displayed full-on naïveté, playing a young man who realizes that the world in which he finds comfort is hiding sinister forces. His next major role, another created by David Lynch, would be a character who would find himself up against similarly dark factions—although this time of a supernatural quality.

MacLachlan admits that Twin Peaks was a bit of a fluke. The idea of David Lynch working in the realm of network television was absurd in itself. Blue Velvet, while earning Lynch his second Oscar nomination for Best Director, was met with a polarizing critical response. (Roger Ebert's review in particular was a scorcher, and he branded Lynch a misogynist for the way he "degraded" Rossellini on film.) His follow-up, Wild at Heart, which premiered at Cannes a month after Twin Peaks debuted on ABC, was met with equal parts enthusiasm and derision. (It won the Palme d'Or that year, even though the film was met with boos by the notoriously vocal film festival audience.)

Pairing up with writer Mark Frost, who had spent three years as a writer on NBC's police drama Hill Street Blues, Lynch broadened his idea of Americana—specifically, the darkness that lies beneath the surface of a quaint and seemingly wholesome small logging town in Washington—into a series. MacLachlan, bolstered by the critical success of Blue Velvet yet still reticent of how Lynch's next idea would play, didn't have high hopes. "It was completely unexpected that it would be anything more than a Movie of the Week," he tells me. "That's why a lot of us were on board: to watch David Lynch do this—and the anarchy that would reign down. Yeah, okay. Why not?"

But ABC executives loved the two-hour pilot, which introduced the murder of the beautiful homecoming queen Laura Palmer, the FBI agent who was summoned to solve her murder, and the various cast of characters who may very well have had something to do with the crime. "Suddenly we were doing it," MacLachlan says. "They called our bluff and bought the show."

Twin Peaks was a bonafide phenomenon, and its first season—consisting of the pilot and seven subsequent episodes—was a massive hit over the course of its eight-week run in the spring of 1990. Not only did it reunite MacLachlan with the director who introduced him to movie audiences, but it assembled a large ensemble cast of familiar and fresh faces.

The show was a mixture of television neo-noir and classic nighttime soap, but with a certain quirkiness that grabbed the attention of television audiences. There was a central murder mystery plot, yes, but there was also romantic intrigue, whispered secrets, a woman who communicated with a log. It often depicted its protagonist dreaming of a mysterious room, decorated with red drapes and a black-and-white chevron-patterned floor and populated by the kind of grotesque characters straight out of a Flannery O'Connor short story. It blended Lynch's dry humor and his absurdist non-sequiturs with the themes he began exploring in Blue Velvet—but with an entirely new style that filmmakers would spend years trying to replicate.

Laura Palmer's murder was solved in the early part of the second season—she had been raped and killed by her father, Leland, while he was under the influence of a demonic presence known as BOB—and the show began to shift into an unwieldy procedural drama. MacLachlan is honest about the missteps of the show's middling second season.

"I thought the first seven episodes [in Season One] were brilliant," he admits. "We had gone on a crazy tangent [in Season Two], and they were trying to pull it back. But it had already drifted too far off."

The series ended with a massive cliffhanger in a final episode directed by Lynch. Cooper, who had a new love interest in Heather Graham's Annie Blackburn, attempts to save her from an ex-FBI agent who has committed his life to terrorizing Cooper's. The pursuit finds him entering the mysterious red room of his dream through a portal in the woods; caught in what is known as the Black Lodge, he comes face to face with his mortal enemy as well as the evil that is holding the town hostage: BOB himself. BOB overtakes Cooper, creating a doppelganger of our hero and entering our world in disguise—leaving Cooper trapped in this impeccably decorated limbo.

Once again: disappointment. As with Dune, MacLachlan took it in stride. After all, Twin Peaks had earned him two Emmy nominations and a Golden Globe. He had had a steady job and got to work again with Lynch to craft a great role—arguably, in hindsight, the most vital of his career. "There was certainly a disappointment when it was cancelled," he tells me. "But I said to myself, 'Well, that's done. Time to find the next thing.'"

Two things propel actors: Getting work that pays enough to stay afloat between jobs, and finding work that's compelling and challenging—roles that don't leave you typecast and stuck playing the same character over and over again.

Of course, MacLachlan did play Dale Cooper again in Lynch's big-screen prequel to the series, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, which was released a year after the show's cancellation. MacLachlan initially passed on playing Cooper again so soon after the show ended, although he eventually joined the production. But his role was small, and the absence of many other Twin Peaks regulars (and its bleak, darker tone) was off-putting for fans. The film was not a commercial success, and the critical response was mixed.

MacLachlan—who tells me that he had to find "a construct" for himself, a certain kind of figure he could play with slight variation—took a few odd roles in the '90s. There are a couple of forgettable indie movies on his résumé, plus Oliver Stone's The Doors, in which he played keyboardist Ray Manzarek. In what would be one of the biggest box-office successes of his career (that is until he leant his voice for a small role in the Pixar film Inside Out), he played Cliff Vandercave in The Flintstones, an insanely successful movie (it earned over $300 million worldwide) that feels like a lost '90s relic. (Do you remember anything about The Flintstones, other than it happened? I saw it twice, and I mostly just remember MacLachlan's biceps.) Yet he still proved he could play a different type: the sexy antagonist—even if that chance involved wearing a sleeveless double-breasted suit and playing the foil to John Goodman's Fred Flintstone.

But that led to his next role in what would be another infamous moment in modern film history: Paul Verhoeven's Showgirls, one of the most notorious movies of all time and the first big-budget NC-17-rated film to get a wide release. MacLachlan has been vocal about how he feels about the film. (He told Esquireearlier this year, "What did I learn from Showgirls? I learned what not to do!") Naturally, he chuckles when I even bring it up. (It's an inevitable topic of conversation. You can't not mention Showgirls in the presence of Kyle MacLachlan.) And he's honest with me about why he took the role. "It was a deliberate attempt to change things up a bit," he says. "All actors do that to varying degrees of success and failure. And, to be honest, I was a big fan of Paul Verhoeven, so I thought, 'Well, this could be fun.' I just happened to pick the wrong one." (Every gay man I know would suggest otherwise, but hey: Everybody's a critic.)

Once again, MacLachlan's career took another oddball turn. But these moments were still high-profile; he was still on the radar. And his early work with David Lynch continued to cast a welcome shadow over him as an actor, particularly as those who appreciated and found influence in Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks began to rise in the Hollywood ranks themselves. At least that's MacLachlan's theory for his three major television roles of the last two decades: Trey MacDougal, the impotent Upper East Side mama's boy who served as a frustrating love interest to Charlotte on Sex and the City; Orson Hodge, a devious dentist on Desperate Housewives; and the Mayor of Portland on Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein's hipster satire Portlandia, who could very well be Dale Cooper if he had gone into local politics instead of the Black Lodge.

"These things came to me because of my work with David," MacLachlan says. "Not because they were looking at the roles and saying, 'Oh, he'd be perfect for that.' The creators were people who had in some way been inspired by David, or affected somehow."

Two decades after Twin Peaks, as the show's cult following only grew larger and larger and its influence became more overt as dark, quirky mystery shows about the dangers hidden out of sight in small-town America became more and more popular, MacLachlan couldn't shake the series from his head. He and Lynch remained good friends, and Twin Peaks was often a topic of conversation when they saw each other. "Over the years, we'd get together and sit, chat, have coffee, catch up," MacLachlan tells me. "Occasionally I would bring up the idea of Twin Peaks. I recognized for me, selfishly, it was a great character, a great period of time. I was hungry to revisit that and to have the experience of working with David again."

"OCCASIONALLY I WOULD BRING UP THE IDEA OF TWIN PEAKS. I WAS HUNGRY TO REVISIT THAT AND TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCE OF WORKING WITH DAVID AGAIN."

Years later, Lynch called MacLachlan on the phone, and his tone was markedly more assertive than normal. "I need to talk to you," Lynch said to him, "but I can't do it over the phone." The two met in New York, and Lynch delivered the news: He and Mark Frost had figured a way back into the world of Twin Peaks. Was MacLachlan interested in joining them? "We've talked about this, David," MacLachlan recalls saying. "But if you need to hear it from me: Yes, I'm in." Nothing was settled yet. Scripts hadn't been written. A precarious deal with Showtime was in the works, and there were stops and starts, which naturally worried MacLachlan. But eventually everything fell into place, Lynch and Frost and MacLachlan signed their deals, members of the cast were coming back, along with some new familiar faces. The network handed the keys over to Lynch to direct a whopping 18 episodes. It was official: Twin Peaks was returning to TV.

Let's rock.

Where the hell do I begin with Twin Peaks: The Return? For one thing, as I write this, I still haven't finished it; Showtime is keeping a close guard on the final two episodes that make up its grand finale, and the network didn't provide journalists screeners throughout the season. Perhaps that's part of why it's been so fun to watch: Not only is every episode completely unexpected, with most of the theories surrounding its complex and meandering plot as indecipherable as the show itself, but no one is getting an early look at this show. We all have to wait to see what David Lynch has in store for us precisely when he's ready to give it away.

I'm chatting with MacLachlan on the Monday afternoon following the 16th episode of the series—the one in which Agent Cooper finally comes out of the catatonic state in which he's been trapped for a very long time (15-plus hours for us, but much longer for him). Before that, he was trapped in the body of Dougie Jones, a Cooper doppelganger who lives in Las Vegas, sells insurance, and presumably has a gambling problem; most of his biography before the events of the season begins is provided by his wife, Janey-E, through one of her regular screaming sessions leveled at her dim man-child of a husband. (Naomi Watts, playing Janey-E, is a master at the David Lynch monologue.) How he got into Dougie Jones is still sort of a complicated mystery. Some people have their ideas of how it works, but for me, well… I've simply watched the show and kept myself from asking too many questions for the sake of my own sanity. I've simply enjoyed the long, twisted ride.

MacLachlan hasn't seen the final two episodes, either, although he knows what happens. From the beginning, he was in possession of what he calls The Bible. "After a little bit of cajoling, they let me have the script," he admits to me, "as long as I absolutely swore never to show anyone." (He keeps that promise with me, despite any effort I make to milk a secret or two out of him. "We all felt an obligation, really," he says. "We wanted to protect this thing so that people could experience it in the proper sequence.")

The world of the new Twin Peaks is massive. It expands beyond the borders of the small Washington town, with scenes taking place in Manhattan, Las Vegas, South Dakota, New Mexico in 1945, and in the Black Lodge. And while it brings with it a return of many of the beloved characters from the original series (with a few noted exceptions), it also introduces a wide variety of new characters in those far-flung locations. It is perhaps the most impressive cast of actors on television in recent history, and that doesn't include the musical guest that shows up every week at the Bang Bang Bar. (Whoever is booking for the Roadhouse is doing one hell of a job.)

"WE ALL FELT AN OBLIGATION, REALLY. WE WANTED TO PROTECT THIS THING SO THAT PEOPLE COULD EXPERIENCE IT IN THE PROPER SEQUENCE."

MacLachlan asked for the complete script almost out of a necessity to understand where his role fit within the larger story. Well, I should say "roles," because at this point he's playing three: there's Special Agent Dale Cooper, trapped in the Black Lodge for 25 years and then released into the world once again; Dougie Jones, the aforementioned dummy who's learning about the world almost like a child (or maybe he's actually Cooper, trying to remember who he actually is); and then there's Mr. C, the Cooper doppelganger who left the Black Lodge behind in 1991 at the end of the original series.

As much as the rest of us wondered how the residents of Twin Peaks would look and act after a 25-year hiatus, MacLachlan himself wondered how to get back into the role of Agent Cooper. But first he had to tackle the two opposite poles of Dougie and Mr. C. For Dougie, he looked to Peter Sellers for inspiration, also remembering Jeff Bridges's performance in Starman; for Mr. C, he thought of Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men. Dougie, he admits, was the easier role to take on, while Mr. C was much tougher.

"It's hard for me to play that," he admits. "I can do it, of course, but I don't know if I really want to."

I bring up the moment when Mr. C murders his son, Richard Horne, steering him on top of a rock formation and watching as he is electrocuted. Mr. C shows no sign of empathy—that's in his nature, of course. But it was hard for MacLachlan to pull off. "Of all the things David had me do, that was the worst. But it's true to the character. As an actor, I want to show some humanity. It's so hard to be absolute." I can tell, through the calm and measured quality of the good-natured man who sits before me, that diving into the depths of his own potential dark side was no easy mission. He had to find that humanity within his director, who he says went along with him on both Dougie and Mr. C's journey. "David almost embodies the qualities of the characters," he says. "I can see it in his face. With Dougie, there's a certain energy. When I'm Mr. C, it's dark and he's in another place. It gave me the confidence to carry the character to its fulfillment."

He tells me another difficult task was to act as Mr. C with David Lynch as his character, FBI Deputy Director Gordon Cole. "I didn't like it at all," he says, definitively, and with a look of deep concern. It suggests that MacLachlan felt uneasy breaking out of the kind of figure that Lynch has pushed him to play so many times: the innocent who flirts with danger but ultimately controls it. Dougie, in a way, was his own release from that darkness: all joy and absurdity. When I ask him about his favorite scenes, MacLachlan immediately sports a big Dougie Jones smile. His sex scene with Naomi Watts comes to mind, and he imitates the look of perplexed ecstasy on Dougie's face as he sleeps with his wife. He flails his arms about a bit, not noticing that he's drawing some attention from some of the people sitting near us in the restaurant. But I suppose when you've taken the leaps that he has—flirting with the darkness that David Lynch has created, or even doing something so bold as acting in a sex scene in front of a film crew—you lose some of your inhibitions fairly easily. I'm much less nervous around MacLachlan by now, and much more impressed with the confidence he exudes, something he's learned from the fearlessness that his job requires.

MacLachlan knows Twin Peaks: The Return isn't for everybody. He knew this as soon as he saw the script, realizing that fans of the original show might not embrace the revival with as much enthusiasm. I suggest that there are two different kinds of people: Twin Peaksfans and David Lynch fans. "Twin Peaks: The Return is for the David Lynch fans," I say, and MacLachlan nods.

"It was going to be the Lynch fans who would have the most fun," MacLachlan says. "That was obvious to me as we were traveling on that journey. It was going to be darker, visceral, and have the same kind of surreal elements that David loves to mix in with the ingredients. Who's to say how the Twin Peaks fan base and the David Lynch fan base would find common ground? David Lynch fans were in for it the entire way, and the Twin Peaks fans who made the leap might find something special, too."

As one of David Lynch's regular players, MacLachlan has learned not to parse the material for meaning—just as he's learned not to demand too much explanation from his director. This, he admits, he learned the hard way. "On Dune, I was rabid. I drove David to madness," he says. "And finally he closed the door on me." He offers no detailed analysis of what has transpired over the show's 16 episodes so far, and I get the sense that my intuition—to focus less on the meaning and more on the form—is the best way to experience it.

Instead, he accepts that there's a purpose to everything he's done, simply because Lynch has created it. He offers an explanation for the director's working relationship with Mark Frost, who is certainly more grounded in his craft. "Mark is the kind of writer who says there needs to be reason and process," he explains. Lynch, on the other hand, pays closer attention to theme and ideas—particularly where evil comes from, how it corrupts innocent men and women as it spreads like a virus, and where to put it in order to keep it contained. "I don't think David feels compelled to resolve everything by any means, maybe because of the idea that it's ongoing and we'll pick it back up if we have to," he says, pointing to the differences in the way Lynch and Frost attack the material. "Maybe that's why they get together once every 25 years," he laughs.

At the end of the day, the return of Twin Peaks is almost enough of a treat for MacLachlan as much as, I'd suggest, the people who are tuning in each week. "It's like a weird high school reunion," he says, and I think that the people who either watched it when it first aired or throughout the years on DVD or streaming on Netflix might say the same thing.

"I DON'T THINK DAVID FEELS COMPELLED TO RESOLVE EVERYTHING BY ANY MEANS, MAYBE BECAUSE OF THE IDEA THAT IT'S ONGOING AND WE'LL PICK IT BACK UP IF WE HAVE TO."

Working with Lynch again has been a delight, MacLachlan says, as has acting for the first time with fellow Lynch muse Naomi Watts. And, naturally, he speaks with visible exuberance about seeing Laura Dern on set again 30 years after they starred in Blue Velvet together. Dern plays Diane, the previously unseen assistant to Agent Cooper who would receive his daily briefings in the original series; she steals every scene with a sharp, bitter tongue and a platinum blonde bob wig. "Laura and I have traveled this road together a long time," MacLachlan says. "We love David very much, and we get a real kick out of each other."

But seeing Dern interact with Lynch, who directed her in Wild at Heart and Inland Empire, showed MacLachlan a different side to his friend and director. "They tease each other a lot—David and I don't really tease each other!" he laughs. "I mean, we get along, we have fun, we have a laugh. But I never felt thatcomfortable, you know? I wondered, how does she do that?" MacLachlan says that he and Dern aren't unlike siblings, realizing that their individual relationships to their father is surprisingly different.

Ultimately, MacLachlan is grateful for the opportunity to play this character again, and he's grateful for the fans for keeping the spirit of Twin Peaks alive. ("I think the fans played a big part of this," he says of the revival.) He feels like he's a part of something bigger, a piece of moving art that is ripe for interpretation and inspiration as much as it is entertaining. And, as always, he guides me to understanding how it falls within David Lynch's worldview, as well: "David tells me, 'Everything is Twin Peaks. It's all Twin Peaks,'" he says. "These stories continue—that's the whole thing. Everybody kept living and going on and doing their thing. It never stopped. Now we're picking it up again, 25 years later. Who knows if we'll pick them up again down the road, I don't know."

Before I'm even able to ask the final question—either because he knows it's coming, or simply because his answer is so obvious for him—he gives a sly smile when he responds.

"Would you do it again, down the road?"

"Oh, yes. In a minute."

Link (KM)

[lunarsoftwaree]

Good evening, how is everything with the moving? Are you still in Paris, or you’re already in a new city – with a new life? This is a really random letter. Just pretend like this is the postcard i have always wanted to send you, but never knew how to pen it. I am just in the mood to write something lengthy tonight, so i hope you don’t mind. Read this slowly, or when you’re settled and have time. You don’t have to answer me right away. I just wanna write this to keep up with the thoughts and conversations that i might forget. My mind is a limited space. At least at this moment. There are so many things i want to tell you, and i cannot wait until you call me. Because by then i wouldn’t feel the same about them anymore. Time has this power of baptizing thoughts, or to soften them, or on the contrary, to clarify them in such unnatural manner – making them vivid, but so surreal, clear but untouchable. And i don’t want any of that. I wanna talk to you about my thoughts when they are still real, and fresh, and intense, and just very untouched. There are not many people i want to share them with, and there are thoughts that are only dedicated to certain people.   I know this is strange, with these register and diction and descriptions, but this is me when i write, and writing has always been easier to organize than talking. How to begin? There is this new coffeehouse near my place. Coffeecompany Admiralengracht. It is not new per se, but to L and i, it is a new shelter for books and conversations, for jokes and complaints during the October of Amsterdam. You can imagine how windy and rainy it is in the evening. The new coffeehouse has a new bartender, he has only worked here for a week, makes great caramel iced latte, with a music taste ranging from really cool hip hop to Taylor Swift latest hit. I visit at 4p.m every day. He has been there like usual. But he looked just like you today. Everything. And i couldn’t help myself but to look at him every 10 seconds. So often that L made fun of me for it. He looked so much like you. As if i just turned my head around and not paid attention to details, i would have startled thinking you were there. i know it’s another weird thing to say but suddenly i just miss you so much.   It feels like there is a string attaches me to you and now that you’re far away, the string is stretched and it is bizarre sometimes. I mean I can just wake up one afternoon and run to Paris, but I can’t do that once you’re in the States. I don’t know why i feel this way. I don’t see you as a normal friend, that is for sure, but neither it is a romance. I never knew how you think about our relationship (do fill me in about this later). I feel like we’re just in this unknown area. Not a grey area (because at least you know grey is made up of black and white), but an unknown area (i don’t really know what make of us). L, she is also in another unknown area with a writer. I read their conversations – sensual but distant, intimate but short lived. Like they’re keeping each other close, but never close enough. It seems like they have a world of their own when they talk. And in this world, they are the only people that exist. And this world runs under such weird concept that only the two of them understand. But for us, to me, we don’t have a separate and impenetrable world like that. We just have an apartment (specifically an apartment) in this real world. Our apartment is as well exclusive. It is separated and private and belongs to only us, but it is still a part of this world. And i don’t know, there is something comforting about owning only an apartment and not a whole different world. I cannot imagine having to handle a discrete and distinctive reality for everyone. That is too exhausting. An apartment, on the other hand, sounds more at ease and untroubled.   However, i do not have this concept of ‘the apartment’ with many people. And by this, i mean i never have thought about it with anyone else. It was just there when i met you, and after many hours we spent talking about ‘everything and nothing’ together that it came to me. I think it exists, and this is also the reason why i never really forget about you, because you accept me in a way not many people can: you accept me and approach me and perceive me as who I am in my sadness. We’re in this apartment, a small space independently runs with honesty and acceptance, with sentiments and sincerity, while the world is still happening outside. The world never really changes, let alone disappears. These days, when i stay up at night thinking deeper into recovery, it happens to me that suppose i can stop physically hurt myself whenever i feel sad, i cannot stop being sad ever. I won’t be myself anymore if i’m not sad. I was born easily bruised and hurt. I was meant to be sad. That is okay. You also thought it was okay. And that makes me feel accepted. I think that is what set you aside from many and also why i respect and adore our connection more than any other. Because you don’t try to degrade my sadness into something rather foreign and bothersome. You don’t push me toward ‘feeling happy and joyful’. You accept me for being sad, accept me for the way i am, truly. It is clearer than ever to me now.   I have always thought that it’s funny how many people wanted to be the hero of my life when they knew i had problems, but nobody actually stepped down into my endless pit of troubles and nobody actually saved me. Now that i thought about it, it’s even funnier to realize i never really wanted to be saved anyway. I just wanted to be accepted and listened and at most to be loved for how I am. And somehow i felt all of these things the night you stayed over at my place. One way or another. Thank you.   Axel, one day our paths will cross again. I can never imagine, or more precisely I can never visualize anything about us. I can always do that with other guys though – like how we will have breakfast, or talk, or hold hands, go to the cinema, lay on bed talking, and so on. But when we meet again, maybe we’ll spend the whole day in the Louvre. We’ll sit and talk front of the paintings and sculptures. My hair will be longer and my scars will fade. Then we can take a walk somewhere. It will be great.   Hope America will treat you well. Hope you’ll meet people with depth that level your life into higher greatness, who fulfill you and make you feel safe. Take care. Watch the movie and call me. I’ll wait here in Amsterdam

For Axel and our 7 hours straight conversation (lunarsoftwaree) 

[songwritingswift]

All too well, superstar, how you get the girl

Yay!!

How You Get The Girl

least fav | always skip | meh | overrated | okay | pretty good | amazing | always makes me cry | i love it so much | play this at my funeral

I have to be in the right mood for this song.

I think this is a very sweet song (and would’ve be perfect for a Valentine’s Day release in my opinion) and it does very well at being sweet. That’s it’s purpose and it’s fulfilled that. Me not really connecting with it doesn’t change that.

There’s some good imagery in the lyrics: “Stand there like a ghost shaking from the rain” and “with pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks”. As I always say, this is something Taylor is very good at and one of my favourite things in songwriting in general.

Plus the lyrics show real progression through the song which is nice and the chorus is super catchy.

Superstar

least fav | always skip | meh | overrated | okay | pretty good | amazing | always makes me cry | i love it so much | play this at my funeral

I’m not a major fan of this one to be honest. I just think that she’s written better songs; most of the lyrics in this song don’t show that characteristic Taylor brilliance. To me, it’s just another love song but about someone famous rather than someone you know. I also find the lines about being nobody kind of ironic given her crazy level of stardom.

I like the simplicity though. It kind of fits with the “no one special”/“invisible” vibe of it. That’s what one of my teachers calls ‘congruence in songwriting’: when the music, the melody, the lyrics, and the emotion all fit together. 

There are some nice lyrics, again showing how well she says a lot with only a little, like “when my world wakes up today” and “you smile that beautiful smile and all the girls in the front row scream your name”. 

All Too Well

least fav | always skip | meh | overrated | okay | pretty good | amazing | always makes me cry | i love it so much | play this at my funeral

Man, this could take a while. I love this song. It’s one of my favourite Taylor songs and one of my all time favourite songs. I think it’s beautifully written and I can only aspire to write something so beautiful one day. I love how it tells a story and I love how it’s an example of using songwriting to capture a moment or a feeling in time.

IMAGERY:

“Your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze.”

“We’re singing in the car, getting lost Upstate.”

“'Cause there we are again on that little town street.You almost ran the red ‘cause you were looking over at me.Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.”

“Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red.”

“'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night.We’re dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator lightDown the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well, yeah.”

“Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.”

“After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your ownNow you mail back my things and I walk home alone.”

Detail and imagery help us connect to songs. It doesn’t seem to matter if the images don’t fit with our own experiences. We see ourselves in the story. 

Again, there are some really heartbreaking lines, emotional details that we connect to and draw us into the world of the song. We become invested in the story. If I’m even the slightest bit upset, this song will make me cry. The emotion in it seems to resonate inside me and I end up in tears. I love the way Taylor does this:

“But something 'bout it felt like home somehow.” - A nice way to say a relationship felt natural and safe.

“And I might be okay, but I’m not fine at all.” - A great description of moving on.

“Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well.” - I don’t know why I like this so much but feeling the wind in your hair does remind me of freedom and happiness and I like how she represents that emotion in so few words.

“You told me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me.” - THIS LINE. I think this describes relationships, with anybody, so well. 

“And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.” - I think this is another great way to describe moving on. You do forget why it ended sometimes and then it’s shocking and painful when you remember.

“Well, maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.” - All very poetic ways of describing the end of a relationship, and the listing of them is reminiscent of trying to come up with reasons why it didn’t work. I also like that there’s one where she’s at fault and one where he is because this song is ultimately about remembering a relationship, not placing blame. 

“Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.” OH MY GOD, THIS LINE IS MY FAVOURITE THING EVER. Beyond it just being beautiful, I love the reference to a relationship being like a promise, the truth behind ‘casually cruel’, and how real the idea of pretending to be/being honest but really only being cruel. I definitely relate to that.

“Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it.” - Who can’t relate to this? Who can’t relate to trying to move on from something and not feeling able to.

“I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it.” - Another THIS LINE. I so relate to this. Things that happen to us change us and sometimes we wish we could go back but we can’t.

“Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone.” - What an amazing (and sad) way to represent the relationship ending and being alone.

“You can’t get rid of it 'cause you remember it all too well.” - He has the scarf and she has the song.

She’s also really good at linking different bits of the song together:

Coming back to the scarf at the end, a visual representation of the relationship.

The repetition of “I know it’s long gone…” reminding us that the relationship is over in amongst all these details of the relationship when it was good.

The repetition of “I was there, I remember it all too well” is the anchor point of the song, that it’s over, that she’s remembering it, that she’ll always remember it.

The connection between “a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up” and “I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here”.

Having all the final chorus lines together at the end really drives the point home that it’s over.

As I said, I LOVE this song. I could write about it forever probably. Maybe I should’ve written my dissertation on this song… Anyway, I’ll leave it there for now.

I’m sorry this got so long but thank you for the ask!

[roslinadama-sinequanon]

Major Crimes Re-Watch- Out of Bounds

“Uh, what, no. Glasses go---” “On the top. Sorry. I remember.” I love this scene with Rusty clearing the table and Sharon teaching him how to use the dishwasher. Since the scene where Rusty’s mother didn’t show up on the bus, we have seen a real change in him. He has accepted that not only is his mother not coming back for him, she is staying away of her own free will. Even when she was given help and money to return to him, she chose to steal the money and not come back . I think that really made him face some facts and instead of trying to push Sharon away, he knows that she is now all he has and he is making an effort to make a new life with her, for however it lasts. Now with this new threat brought on by the discovery of his biological father it seems even more imperative that he prove to Sharon that he can do the things that she asks and fit into her life without being the trouble that he was before.

“My biological father.” “Who comes with biological grandparents, aunts, uncles…” In this scene, I think it becomes very apparent that Sharon and Rusty have completely different views of family. Sharon is trying to make Rusty open to the possibility that meeting his father may also bring other family members into his life, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. For Sharon O’Dwyer Raydor that is a GOOD thing. While we don’t know a lot about Sharon’s family we do know that she is close to her parents and her kids, that they do things like go away for ski vacations together at Christmas. For Sharon family is comfort and warmth, love and connection…happiness. That has simply not been Rusty’s experience. The only family he has ever known is his abusive, neglectful, drug addicted mother. For Rusty family is chaos, pain, fear and hurt. So, for him the idea that he may have more relatives out there bringing that dysfunction and stress back into his life is hardly a good thing.  The fact that Dunn’s brother is a coke addict hardly alleviates Rusty’s fear and wariness about the whole situation.

“Now that you know you have family, you may enjoy meeting them.” “And living with them?” And here is the crux of it all. Yes, Rusty has negative feelings about his father and is not interested in meeting other family members but most of all he is afraid that in meeting Dunn, he will be forced to leave Sharon---and that Sharon wants that to happen. You can hear the hurt in his voice when he says this. He’s already been dumped by one mother and now it seems like his surrogate mother might be looking to do the same. Also, by now, Rusty has found a stable home with a caring woman and is settling down into his new life at school and at home and he doesn’t want to lose that.

The little sort of gasp Sharon makes when he says this to her seems like she hadn’t realized that by trying to do the right thing and keep an open mind about his biological father that he might misconstrue this as her trying to get rid of him--because that is not how she feels at all.

“Rusty, I’m not trying to get rid of you. In fact if you weren’t here I’d miss you.” It is important that Rusty hear that from her. Sharon doesn’t lie--and he is coming to know that about her. By letting him know that she’d miss him she is telling that she truly cares about him.

I think Sharon really would miss Rusty. Sharon is a nurturer. I feel like she probably really struggled with the empty nest when both Emily and Ricky left for college, especially having been a single mom, but had built a comfortable life for herself with work and friends (I‘m sure she has them though we‘ve never met one). Then Rusty came along and while he was a pain in the ass and exhausted her in the beginning, I think she actually thrives and gains emotional fulfillment with helping him and nurturing him along. Though Sharon comes off as emotionally reserved, she actually has a very big and open heart--probably why she has to kind of keep a shield around it.

“Is that it? Now that I’m out of emergency care you’re going out every night? Is that it?” “To a murder.” LOL---as if Sharon is going out clubbing every night with different guy. In some ways, Rusty is a typical teenager. He doesn’t really want her to go out but there is no way he is going to say THAT to her, thus the sarcastic comment. And I love Sharon’s “Do your homework before you watch TV” and the little smirk. She knows exactly what he is saying and is happy Rusty wants her around.

“Madison High is not going to become a shooting gallery on my watch.” Taylor isn’t completely wrong here but I can’t help but wonder how interested Taylor would be about this school if his son didn’t go to school there. Taylor only seems to get involved in cases when they are personal to him or have the chance to reflect poorly on him. It is always about him.

“Say what you will about her, the woman knows the rules.” Love the way Sharon struts out of the room after the Taylor confrontation and Provenza makes this comment. Sharon is always smarter than Taylor is; he is always several steps behind her. It makes me wonder if Sharon plays chess with Rusty and if she’s good at it or not. And now that I say that, Rusty plays chess with Andy--the board was set up in hospital room--I wonder if Andy is any good. My speculation is that if she plays, Sharon is a good player; she is patient and able to think several steps ahead. I don’t think Andy would be very good, he is too impatient to play a game like chess--and is usually in the here and now. Okay, so I went off on a tangent there.

“I can make breakfast for you every morning.” Sharon comes home exhausted after a night at work and Rusty has an omelet ready for her. This is actually sweet but kind of sad at the same time. He really is scared that she is going to hand him off to Dunn. He knows he has treated her like crap and has made her life really difficult and that she has no real reason to want to keep him around so he is trying now to ingratiate himself with her--to show her that if she keeps him around he can make life easier for her--he can do better. It’s kind of sad that he feels he has to earn his place in Sharon’s life and home in ways a biological child who would be used to a parent’s unconditional love would never feel.

“I can’t deal with anymore adults and drugs and if he were into that sort of thing you guys could find out, right?” “Well, technically it’s against the law for me to run a background check on someone who’s not under criminal investigation.” “Well, then how am I supposed to decide if I want to meet him?” “I’ll have to think about how we might proceed.” This is Sharon in a nutshell. She knows the law but in knowing the law she also knows there has to be a legal way around it. She doesn’t jump into anything, does not make promises she cannot keep, she just tells him she is going to mull it over and see what she can do to help. Of course, this leads to her consulting Flynn and Provenza for their advice--I love how she now turns to them as allies rather than as adversaries.

“Thank you for the find job you do, you’re an American hero and I don’t tell that to you nearly enough.” Of course, it is Andy the rule bender that immediately comes up with this idea of the phone call--and I do love me some smartass Andy Flynn. I liked this part of the phone conversation because it seemed very real. I am sure that all the members of the team feel unappreciated for the work they do, putting their lives on the line to keep the public safe and not always getting the credit they deserve for that. I read once that the friction between police officers and firefighters often stems from the fact that the police are disgruntled that firefighters are always seen as heroes without any negativity, while police officers are sometimes viewed negatively because they have to use force and at times their guns.  Police sometimes have to kill, firefighters don’t. Wow. I’m really going off on tangents today.

Ultimately, it is also Andy who comes up with the idea of calling DCYS to have them run a check on Dunn. He mentions there is a woman there he has been meaning to call anyway. Andy was quite the player on the Closer but if memory serves me correctly this is the last time we have Andy talk about dating or trying to date another woman.

“Holding Lamar Lewis any longer could leave us vulnerable to a lawsuit and since I need to let him go I’m making the best of a situation and if you are taking over this investigation please let me know.” “If this blows up it is not Sanchez’s job on the line, it’s yours.” I love that Sharon is not taking any of Taylor’s crap. Rather than supporting her and trying to help with the investigation he is behaving like a jerk, throwing his weight around, not trusting Sharon and threatening her job--in front of the squad. I love Buzz’s little smirk when Sharon asks if Taylor is taking over the investigation. Sharon may be new to the job but she is NO pushover.

“We have overwhelming presence at the school.” It is a pretty ballsy move for Sharon to allow Lamar to go to that school. It shows she is not afraid to make those kinds of tough controversial decisions--and to stick to it even when Taylor has a hissy.

“Officer down!” Amy gets the pulp beat out of her; her face is a bloody mess. Okay. Sharon gets one punch in the face and the fandom erupts for days LOL. We do love our Sharon. I like how we got the reaction of the team while she was being beaten--especially Sharon because you know she was beating herself up over this.

Interesting that Provenza ,who had the hardest time accepting Amy onto the squad, is the first to hop in the car to get to the hospital. While Amy might irritate him, she has guts, and Provenza admires guts. Also, Provenza is the grumpy grandpa of the group, he is going to give you loads of crap, he is going gripe and pick on you, but when push comes to shove, he will be the first one at your side to help you.

“Any word on Amy?” Sharon completely ignores Taylor when he interrupts Provenza’s answer to her question by going on about a press conference. Instead of responded to Taylor she simply asks Provenza again “How is detective Sykes?” She wants her answer and also shames Taylor because he was not interested in the answer.

“Concussion, cuts and bruises, dislocated jaw.” “Good God.” “This is one of the big differences from running internal affairs and working in homicide.” Provenza the veteran is trying to comfort Sharon whom he can see is riddled with guilt. She feels responsible for Amy getting hurt. It’s the first time someone she has sent into harms way has been hurt and he uses this as a way to mentor his superior, who in this case has less experience.

“But what did I miss?” I LOVE THIS. I love that Sharon is smart, confident, and decisive. But I also love that she is always looking at ways she could improve. That she is willing to take advice and possibly criticism if it means she can learn from it and can do her job better. I think the team really respects this about her. Sharon did not walk into that position thinking she knew everything and that it was going to be her way or the highway, which is what I think they probably expected.

“Sharon there is no defense against bad luck.” Provenza uses her name for the first time to purposely personalize this--letting her know that she didn’t do anything wrong and that no matter how prepared you are sometimes people get hurt.

“We can’t even take the time right now to properly consider Amy’s misfortune because we have a murder to solve which is what I’m sure Chief Taylor has come to remind us of.” Everyone forgot Taylor was there and this is Provenza’s way of digging at Taylor for not being interested in Amy’s well being. Taylor never once asks how she is. Again, poor quality of leadership. Are you going to walk through fire for a leader who cares about you as person or one who does not really give a rat’s ass about you?

“Maybe I should have kicked the bastard harder.” God love Julio--and Andy’s smirk of agreement. Andy and Julio really share that same sense of outrage over people who harm others--and they both have hotheaded tempers.

“Do you know how important being a quarterback is to someone from that neighborhood?” We learn something new about Sharon. This is the first time we get a slight inkling into Sharon’s knowledge of football--a passion she shares with Mary and that will later lead her to turning down her dream job as head of security for the NFL because as much as she‘d love it, she loves Andy and Rusty more.

“I can turn this into a win.” “Chief, may I say how touched we all are at the concern you’ve demonstrated for Amy Sykes.” Provenza calls Taylor out again. Taylor had nothing to do with getting a “win”. Amy was beaten up for it, but Taylor is sure willing to take the credit for it.

“Here’s a receipt with a time stamp.” Not too bright buddy, you were too eager with that receipt. If he’d had to fumble around to find it and not known if the time was on it, he might not have raised Sharon’s suspicion. But he did…and he paid the price.

“Good work today Captain.” Sharon nearly spits her coffee out at the unexpected compliment from Taylor. About time! Love the shared look between Julio and Sharon.

“You don’t get to pick your parents.” “No, you don’t.” Except in the end, Rusty does. He chooses Sharon to be his parent.

“Um, I just wanted to say that was really good work with the receipt.” Julio is now expressing his admiration for his new Captain. The whole team is coming around.

“Is Detective Sykes okay?” Even self-involved Rusty thinks to ask, where Taylor did not. Rusty even asks to go see Amy when Sharon says she is on her way to the hospital.

“What’s in the file that Lt.Flynn put together about your father?” Again, it is Andy doing all the legwork on Rusty’s family. First his mom and then his dad. Andy has been so involved with Rusty right from the beginning--he’s going to be a great step-dad.

“Do you want me to meet him so I can leave here and live with him?” “Of course not, unless that’s what you wanted to do.” There is such vulnerability in the way Rusty asks that question and Sharon is trying so hard to do the right thing and let it be his decision completely. Rusty then opens up to her about how he made a friend, wants to join the chess club, likes his history teacher…and then the little boy in him comes out with “I thought we were getting along, aren‘t we?” There is such hurt and vulnerability in that statement. He is so afraid that she doesn’t want him anymore. And Sharon’s “Yes we are, really well,” is said so eagerly. She doesn’t want to lose him anymore than he wants to lose her.

“I think I’m happy where I am.” Sharon has presented him with all the facts and has allowed him to use her as a sounding board for all his fears then let him make the decision over whether to meet Dunn or not without any judgment. This is an important trust builder in their relationship.

Overall, I liked this episode a lot. Great personal interaction between the characters, great mother ship moments and an interesting case that ended with some excitement.

[callmehawkeye]

Watched in 2019

Big Little Lies (Season 1): This is such a solid cast and story, albeit predictable. I loved it as a mini-series and do not understand why it needs a second season; but I’ll be watching regardless. 

Taylor Swift Reputation Stadium Tour (2018): IIIIIIIIIII don’t think this setting is the best for Taylor. I go back and forth on her as a person often, but dig over half her catalog. The big theatrical show doesn’t quite suit her particular stage presence. She is great when just talking to the crowd with her guitar or piano. Regardless, she was definitely having fun, it was entertaining enough, and it’s cool she put this up on Netflix so I don’t have to amputate a body part to afford a ticket.

If Beale Street Could Talk (2018): Without a doubt, this is perhaps the most genuine and fulfilling depiction of a (hetero) romantic love story put to film I’ve witnessed in recent memory. The actors and their chemistry were breathtaking. 

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018): Hands down the best Spider-Man movie to date. Soundtrack was perfection. Story was great. Characters were amazing. I want to protect Miles with my dying breath. Unique animation. Deservedly kicked Disney’s ass this award season.

Bumblebee (2018): Oddly endearing? Easily the best Transformers movie, and the only one I’ll recognize.

A Star is Born (2018): I’m sure I’d like this more if I weren’t a fan of the other 3. Lacked subtlety. Overhyped. It’s fine. The only best part was the rehab scene.

Fyre Fraud (2019): The Hulu documentary about the disastrous Fyre Festival. Superior of the two, in production and scope.

Abducted in Plain Sight (2017): WHAT. THE. FUCK. A must-see for true crime enthusiasts. 

Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes (2019): This is more or less the same thing if you have already spent a little more time on this case than the average person. Good content for first-timers.

Girlfriends Day (2017): A nice, fast watch to pass the time.

Fyre Festival (2019): The other Fyre Festival documentary. To me, the lesser because it is produced from people who were on the inside. Which you’d think, “Oh so then they’d know.” But their bias and attempts to scrub themselves from the narrative are obvious.

The Favourite (2018): This made my little queer heart so happy. Great characters. 

Everybody Knows (2019): A little on the nose in the mystery itself (just watch the actors in the background). But the performances were great. Loved the setting. Appropriate ending. Good job.

Isn’t It Romantic (2019): I loved this. I feel like I’ve written something exactly like this before. Very endearing and satisfying to watch.

How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (2019): It felt a little long, unsatisfying at some parts and rushed. But it’s a great bookend to a great series.

They Shall Not Grow Old (2019): Very impressive filmmaking and editing. I loved learning how they accomplished it in the featurette at the end of the screening.

Arctic (2019): Now THIS is how you make a survival movie. 90 minutes. No romance. Brutal reality without becoming melodramatic. Mads Mikkelsen cast in the lead...

Don’t Knock Twice (2016): Pleh. I hated the pacing and editing. Called out the “twist” immediately as a joke because I didn’t expect this movie to be that nuanced (magic done without permission, even with the intent to be good, is bad magic).

Captain Marvel (2019): My god this was so much fun and rejuvenated my interest in the MCU. I’m absolutely dreading Endgame and not for the reasons you think.

Greta (2019): Great performances, absolutely tense, very creepy and fun.

1922 (2017): What a great fucking motif.

Climax (2019): This was quite the sit. A literal 90 minute bad LSD trip from an up-close perspective. God I hated it.

Michael Che Matters (2016): I’ve never seen a standup special start so strong and progressively get weaker like this before...

Us (2019): As I said on Twitter --  it seems to me primarily casual or non-horror fans think Us is the greatest horror film of all time and is going to rejuvenate or “save” the genre. Then primarily veteran fans think it’s weak and vague. I think both viewpoints are shortsighted and formed from either category being stuck in their perspectives. For me, the movie was neither. (I loved it).

The Beach Bum (2019): Another movie I can’t believe I sat all the way through.

Leaving Neverland (2019): I stand with Wade and James.

Queer Eye (Season 3): Who needs antidepressants? Not me!

Homecoming: A Film By Beyoncé (2019): Beychella reigns once again!!

Dancing Queen (Season 1): This was very sweet. I never thought I could sit through anything with insufferable dance moms, but Justin/Alyssa makes it so engaging and watchable. Stupid to end on a cliffhanger, however.

Avengers: Endgame (2019): ..............B+ At least it was a million times better than Infinity War. And I had fun.

Booksmart (2019): This hit so close to home. Sure, the coming of age movie is nothing new. But there was something liberating about the characters in this one that were terribly stereotypical and much more relatable. To me, anyway.

Long Shot (2019): Great music, great relationship, great laughs. This was a fun, solid watch of a romcom.

Hail Satan? (2019): I want to inject this documentary directly into my veins.

Amazing Grace (2019): The live footage of Aretha Franklin recording her Amazing Grace album at the church in Watts.

Meeting Gorbachev (2019): I got to see this documentary at a theater where Wener Herzog himself was hosting a Q&A and introduced this film. Maybe it made me more biased to liking it. But I honestly felt like I learned a lot.

Missing Link (2019): First movie of the year I didn’t complete/walked out of. I let it have an hour. First time I’ve ever been disappointed in Laika. I can’t believe it. It was so dull and I kept waiting for something to happen.

Little (2019): This was sweet. Issa Rae is dipped in gold. BUT it felt like there was an outline, not a script. Lots of dropped threads. And a weirdly out of place, glaring, punching-down trans joke??!

Tolkien (2019): Wow. I really liked this. Great pacing, shifting between time frames. Even better performances and relationships. Made me think of my own fellowship a lot. This is how biopics should be done.

The Biggest Little Farm (2019): WONDERFUL documentary covering the years of building up a sustainable farm from less than scratch.

The Hustle (2019): God, this was a long, humorless sit. At least Anne looked stunning.

The Sun is Also a Star (2019): This isn’t more realistic than romantic comedies, or teen love films. But it’s more enjoyable than most. The leads are great and have electric chemistry. New York is framed beautifully.

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum (2019): I am blessed by this Keanu Reevessance.

Fleabag (Season 1): This is probably going to be the best thing I watch this year.

Fleabag (Season 2): Yup. Confirmed. Something very special would need to come along from June to December to change this mindset. I highly recommend this. Watch it. Go in blind. Watch it!!

Pavarotti (2019): I enjoy documentaries where I feel I really learn about the subject. Beautiful music, beautiful memories, beautiful life.

Rocketman (2019): I wish more biopics were like this. It was wonderful and such a grand time.

Lorena (2019): A deep dive into the Bobbitt case, including the woman herself. I have such empathy and love for Lorena. You should watch it and learn about the incident yourself.

The Last Man in San Francisco (2019): Go in blind. Don’t look it up. Just go. it’s the most beautiful film I’ve seen so far this year. I wish there were more male protagonists like this.

Toy Story 4 (2019): I was so skeptical. It more than exceeded my expectations. Just go in prepared to have your heart ripped in two.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019): They’re learning. Out of the newer films, this one has the less amount of people. Now make another film like this, only extend the monster fight scenes. Less. People.

Child’s Play (2019): This was fun. Not much more to say. More Aubrey in things!

Men in Black International (2019): Honestly, this was better than the second or third ones. I legitimately enjoyed myself. It was funny. The cast was charming. The otherworldly aliens were interesting. And I’m so proud of Les Twins.

Grace and Frankie (Season 5) :This is always a good time for me. I love watching this show when I want to take a break from more dedicated watches. I love these actresses with all my heart. June Diane Raphael is goals.

Midsommar (2019): This was such a fun aesthetic to watch. I was so uncomfortable throughout.

Toni Morrison: The Pieces I Am (2019): Ugh, my hearrrrrtt.

Maiden (2019): Documentary about the first all-female crew who competed in the 1985-86 Whitbread Round the World Race. The woman next to me in the theater was the same age as the women featured in old footage and modern day talking head interviews -- and she was just sobbing by the end. Solidarity.

Frankenstein’s Monster’s Monster, Frankenstein (2019): 30 minutes well spent. Fucking hilarious.

Stranger Things (Season 3): God, what a fun season. I am still Steve.

Queer Eye (Season 4): I need 54 more seasons, kthx.

Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019): My absolute favorite battle sequence in a Marvel movie. Such a good time.

Hobbs & Shaw (2019): My first and last Fast movie. Goddamn I was so bored.

Bring the Soul: The Movie (2019): Wow, this was brutal. I get it wasn’t all of the footage, but they seemed to mostly focus on members being sick and injured and miserable. I didn’t understand the love for this movie when all it did was highlight how exhausted the boys are. I suppose it was meant to be inspiring, but I only felt bad for them. I just ranted about them needing a break and thank god they finally have one -- apt timing!

Burn the Stage: The Movie (2018): I went back to the earlier film with the hopes of... Higher hopes. And they were fulfilled. Such cute and uplifting footage.

Blinded by the Light (2019): God I love Springsteen. This movie is a great homage to his music. It’s not a straight-up musical, and that’s lovingly the point. Some things never change.

It: Chapter Two (2019): This was a slog compared to the first part. Much like the miniseries. Much like the book.

Parasite (2019): I, a college student with very little free time -- let alone free time to go to the movies -- saw this in theaters twice. I tried to go a third time but then finals happened. Go see it. Go see it blind. I'm not really doing end-year lists anymore but this is without a doubt my favorite film from 2019.

BTS World Tour: Love Yourself (2019): Most fun I've had in a theater in some time. I feel like I curled up into the tiniest ball at some point out of pure joy that couldn't be contained.

Frozen II (2019): This was quite plot-heavy for a sequel. I loved how many songs they were. It's an acceptable sequel. A lot of weak themes and choices, however, if you think about it for more than a few minutes. Overall delightful. 

Jojo Rabbit (2019): Speaking of delightful. Taika Waititi continues to be my favorite living writer-director. This is such a solid portrayal of Nazism without glorifying it. Always go the Mel Brooks route and make it a comedy; they can't turn it around and make the imagery propaganda. I have high hopes for Roman Griffin Davis and his future career.

Knives Out (2019): This was quite fun. I love a good mystery with a large ensemble cast like this. It didn't blow my mind of anything -- I saw every turn coming -- but that's just because I credit it to being such a lonely kid who read so many mystery novels.

2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014

[teenmomtruths]

Opinions On Recent News (SUBMISSION)

First off, of course it’s great that Kail graduated. Good on her. I think what people take issue with is the fact that she’s likely graduating with no debt. People who truly go it alone graduate with over a hundred grand in student loans that they pay on for years. She is indeed very ’#blessed’ on that account. She had a great home to bring her Isaac to when he was born, Jo’s parents, whom she’s never shown enough gratitude imo. She actually said that they interfered with her and Jo and implied maybe if they’d stayed out of it she and Jo would’ve worked. A, it’s their house. No one wants to hear all that fighting all the time. B, I thought Janet took her side way more than Jo’s. She had no issue letting him know he was being an ass, he was wrong for going out, and that he was treating Kail differently than when they first got together (pointing out that he always wanted her around and now he was acting like he never did). It takes most people years to working up to a home like the one she brought Lincoln home to. Yes she worked by filming for MTV, but she doesn’t understand that her salary and the rapid pace with which it increased is not the norm.

Nikkole: I think her faking a stillbirth was awful. But I think her post was valid. It’s exactly how I feel. The difference is, I haven’t had any children exactly for the reasons she listed. I don’t feel I can give them the life they deserve. Yet I ended up with shared custody of my husband’s two nieces and nephew and ended up in that position anyway. I would love to take them to Disneyworld, buy them a trampoline, a pool, all the adorable boots etc I see in store, do their room up like Kail does her boys’ rooms. Instead it’s all I can do to feed them and take them to the beach for a weekend, two hours away. I’d love to buy new clothes but they love the Justice and Ninja Turtle shirts I find at Goodwill or Once Upon a Child. Facebook groups like Moms’ Resale has been a lifesaver and they have a blast trying on the trash bag of clothes I got for $20. And they still come running every time we go to pick them up, bowling me over for hugs and kisses. They don’t yet know that no one has any money to send them to college. My husband and I and their other aunt will do all we can to help with books etc when the time comes, but tuition will be loans. I just pray they have the strength and endurance to work hard for it. I doubt we’ll ever get to take them to Disney and it breaks my heart. Instead of character bedspreads and curtains, they have solid color bedding, with pictures I drew and framed ($1 frames from Dollar Tree), and pictures of themselves on their walls and they love that I drew them myself. I love them for that. I love that they decided, when reading Berenstein Bear books at night, they decided it made more sense to replace ‘Papa and Mama Bear’ with 'Auntie and Uncle ___’. I dread the teen years, when they find out exactly what all went on with their 'parents’ and pray that our devotion to them takes the sting out some.

Amber and Farrah: Seems to me like Amber was simply trying to make Farrah shut up. She accuses Amber of being a criminal and throws all kinds of things in her face all the time. Looks like it worked for now too. She’s not talking about Farrah doing coke on 16&Pregnant, she’s talking about NOW. If Farrah is doing coke and prostituting, she has no business calling anyone else a criminal. Clean your own house first. I took the whole scene with Sophia much differently, it seems, than others. I didn’t think Farrah overdid it this time. If my child was doing that, going back and forth across the backseat, I’d be livid and let her know too. Sophia has locked Farrah out, locked herself in the car, told her she was the devil and to shut up (which was hilarious, but still lol). That kid is out of control and now she’s treating Deb terribly, of course because of Farrah. I hope she grows up to be a happy, successful person, but my feeling now is that Farrah has no idea what’s coming when Sophia hits 13.

Maci: It’s not okay to use Jen and Larry to sit for Jayde and Maverick and have zero fucks to give about them taking Bentley for Thanksgiving. He hasn’t been in years, he went to Texas last year, forget Ryan and do it for Jen and Larry, who have done nothing but love and support her. Of course Bentley is going to tell her one thing and Ryan and McKenzie another. Reason #101 why you don’t put kids in that spot. She even asked Bentley who all he wanted to invite for his birthday when he was turning two! One thing Ryan has said that I agree with is that since Bentley was a baby Maci has asked his opinion on Everything. News flash: most things people do in life are things they’d rather not. I.E. working. Who tf Wants to work 40+ hours a week? When I’m doing dishes and laundry or visiting my husband’s relatives, I’d rather be in bed with a good book. You do things because that’s life. She’s punishing Jen and Larry for Ryan. After all they’ve done for her, she’s wrong for that, esp since she didn’t particularly care if Bentley went, she was just going on the whim of an 8-year-old, and kids change their minds entirely too much to try and make every wish happen.

Ashley: Delusional. Worried your infant hasn’t spoken yet? Just so beyond ridiculous. All babies babble. Why she thought she actually heard clear words out of it, I have no idea. Rest easy Ash, he’s not supposed to be talking yet.

OMFG are Watson and Ensley not the cutest babies!!? Ensley is just gorgeous with those long lashes and Watson is so happy I want to be him :) Love love love the way Chelsea dresses him etc.

Oh and to the anon who said wasn’t Nathan 'just’ drinking: He’s also on steroids, which on top of the PTSD and brain damage,drinking is SO bad. It’s not like he just has a beer or two. He drinks entire bottles of liquor and turns mean as hell and it’s not okay. It’s not better than weed or anything else. Alcohol can be one of the most damaging substances to be addicted to so don’t trivialize it. I hope Taylor and Maci aren’t headed down that path. Maci said 85% of the time their marriage was great. The rest Taylor gets way too drunk and turns mean. When alcohol is changing a person like that, it’s a very bad sign. Not to mention they’re driving around with three kids now. People are killed by drunk drivers every day.

Is it just me, or does Tyler seem so over Cate? He acts like he’s just annoyed with her very presence most of the time. I have no doubt he loves her; it just seems more like a comfortable, 'I’ve known this person forever and been through so much with them’ love. Their lives are so intertwined having the same family and all. And no doubt he knows the reason why he was ever so liked was because he was the dream so many young girls wished for: the first love to stay and love them forever. They’re a duo and packaged as such. I think he feels stuck and, judging by the baby talk and lack of motivation, he’s going to stay that way and never truly be happy. Unless they can find that love again, which I really hope, for Nova’s sake. But he’s not helping Cate by pointing fingers when he’s literally got all the same issues as she does, except for the weight thing. They both are far too young to be spending all day with nowhere to be, no purpose beyond parenting. I think they thought having a child was the be all to end all in life and would provide the fulfillment they’re seeking and they’re finding out now that it’s not like that.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Savannah

Jac: I can’t make dinner tonight

Jac: I’m sorry

Savannah: Oh okay, you’re not sick are you? Taylor has been sneezing non-stop since last night & I totally assumed she was faking it but maybe there’s a bug going around

Jac: I don’t feel well

Jac: but it’s not a cold

Savannah: I’ll be right there as soon as I’ve put some clothes on

Jac: This might be easier to do over this

Jac: I’ll falter in person

Jac: If I can do it at all, I haven’t up until now and I have tried

Jac: Maybe not as hard as I should’ve but

Savannah: whatever makes this easier for you, that’s what we’ll do, baby

Jac: I got some bad news

Jac: that’s why I had to leave that lecture early

Jac: and it’s brought up equally as bad memories

Savannah: I don’t love the sound of that, but take your time, I’m right here

Jac: Sorry, I’m not trying to worry you

Jac: it’s part not knowing where to start and part I never wanted to have to say this to you

Savannah: I know you’re scared, but there’s nothing you can’t tell me

Jac: My sister is pregnant, that’s the start of it

Savannah: Oh my god, everyone must be freaking out, has she decided what she’s going to do?

Jac: She’s keeping it, no surprise there

Savannah: your poor parents, they’ll have to take care of the baby while she finishes school

Jac: That’s what I said to her

Jac: And then if she goes to Uni

Jac: and worse if she doesn’t, no way she’ll get a job with any flexibility, not at her age and education level

Savannah: How far along is she? Because it doesn’t seem like she’s thought this through

Jac: Likewise, I’m hoping she will give it more time because she’s 12 weeks, but I doubt it

Jac: There’s a precedent set in my family, unfortunately

Savannah: I understand, there is in mine too, but for the opposite

Savannah: if it was Sienna this was happening to my dad would kill her & the option of keeping it wouldn’t even cross his mind

Jac: It never would happen to Sienna though, she’s got sense

Jac: I know it’s not cool to force that decision, obviously, but you do hope she’d know enough to do the right thing but no

Savannah: I lived in constant fear of it happening to me, imagine if I’d be tied to Milo or Ty for life

Jac: Oh, you know the boy is already nowhere to be seen

Jac: I didn’t deign to ask because we already knew he was no good, even if I kept that to myself not to be rude

Savannah: Ugh, of course

Jac: I’m so

Jac: I can’t even think of the right word, embarrassed, ashamed

Savannah: write down as many words as you want to, I don’t think any of them would be wrong right now

Jac: I used most of them on her

Savannah: You’re upset, anyone would be

Savannah: it’s awful to have to watch your little sister make a mistake, you can’t, you literally have to try everything to get through to her

Jac: Exactly

Jac: I wish we were younger and I could still lead her to make the right choice as easily

Jac: I can’t see a way that I can get through to her, she’d actively do the opposite of everything I do and say to prove a point

Jac: If my nan would, but I think that’s almost as much of a lost cause

Savannah: If you need to go home early I’ll come with you, or stay here to make sure you don’t miss anything vital

Jac: You’re being so great

Savannah: I love you, I want to help & sadly that's probably the most I can do

Jac: I don’t know how I can ever be around my family again

Jac: I know that sounds dramatic but I seriously mean it in this moment

Jac: and she’s so predictably short-sighted and immature about it all, as if she can just go away any time I want to be back… as if we aren’t sisters, as if that’s remotely how it works

Jac: like I won’t see all the updates, be told about it by everyone else, like it isn’t actually me that will get cast out, not her

Jac: I feel like the truth is, deep down she knows that, and I’m collateral she’s perfectly happy to be rid of, and that hurts, that really hurts

Savannah: You’re in shock, this reaction is totally valid even if it also feels dramatic, but honestly, from what you’ve said about her seemingly blasé reaction, it sounds like she is too, or at least she hasn’t properly grasped how life-changing this is for all of you & how you’ve expressed that you feel about it

Jac: Yeah, she has no fucking clue

Jac: to put it as bluntly as it is true

Jac: I know her, she idolizes our nan, she thinks she’s going to be just like her

Jac: when one, that isn’t the goal she thinks it is and two, she is at a natural disadvantage in comparison anyway so she won’t even

Jac: It was like she expected me to start planning the baby shower, and not point out that she’s ruining her life, mine and everyone else’s

Savannah: could you not persuade your nan to talk to her?

Jac: Potentially

Jac: but she wouldn’t be as blunt as you need to be to get through her thick skull

Jac: She’s probably told her already how hard it all is, as if she should need to

Jac: Jude can see the absolute mess and harm every teen mother in our family has caused

Jac: she’s just being selfish

Savannah: There’s still time & a chance that some of what you said could get through to her, but I’m willing to try too, I know what it’s like to not want or be able to go home & I don’t want that for you

Jac: If only student loans afforded us enough money to stay away all summer

Savannah: We could stay with my dad, it felt like far enough away when we needed it to be before

Jac: But do you want to do that?

Savannah: Yes, if it even slightly helps you

Jac: He’s not going to be thrilled to see me, even as a friend

Jac: I know you’ll have to visit him eventually but I can’t ask you to spend any more time there than is absolutely necessary

Savannah: He’ll have to deal with it because this is necessary

Jac: I love you so much

Jac: I better say what I need to say before I commit you to any future plans

Jac: because it will change how you see me, and that’s okay, I know that

Savannah: It’s impossible for anything you’ve done to change how I see you

Savannah: I love you too, I loved you after what happened to Isabelle, not in spite of it because I didn’t hold it against you or feel like you were to blame for what happened to me afterwards & whatever you feel like you can’t tell me doesn’t change who you are now or this relationship we’ve built since we reconnected

Jac: It isn’t that I don’t trust you to be a good person, I know you are, you’re the most amazing person I know and have ever known

Jac: but this thing was entirely my fault start to finish, and there’s no one else to blame

Jac: I’ve accepted that, but it is a lot to ask you to accept about me, I’m aware and I want you to know there’s no judgment for any way you react

Savannah: Well, you’re the most amazing person I know & there’s no judgement from me for any mistakes you made, especially during that period, because you can say there’s no-one else to blame but I know I am, I hurt & abandoned you & you reacted in ways you never would’ve if I hadn’t

Jac: No, no, it isn’t on you

Jac: your dad could’ve moved you regardless, probably would have

Jac: and I kissed you without any warning and a no doesn’t need explaining

Jac: It did hurt, but it always would have, even if you’d done everything ‘right’ as it were

Jac: but okay, in 6th year I made the worst kind of mistake

Jac: like my sister

Savannah: I should've at least tried harder to stay in contact, I'm so sorry you had to go through something so painful & traumatic

Jac: It’s okay

Jac: I mean, I understand why you didn’t

Jac: and you know what I’m saying then

Jac: well, I haven’t got a baby so it’s pretty obvious

Savannah: I don't understand why I didn't but that's not what's important right now

Savannah: Jude must feel awful for triggering those memories for you, no wonder she's being defensive

Jac: I don’t know

Jac: She may as well have chosen the same guy

Savannah: I may not be able to take you away for the whole summer but I can afford a little while before we have to face my father

Jac: I know you

Savannah: Of course

want kids

Jac: you’ve always said, ever since I’ve known you

Savannah: When the time is right I do, I would've done the exact same thing if I'd gotten pregnant in 6th year or before

Savannah: I want a home, marriage & career first, to be as happy & fulfilled as possible so I don't have to raise children who'll struggle because I wasn't

Savannah: you know my plans

Jac: You would’ve?

Savannah: Of course

Savannah: I can't have a baby for the next decade, there's no way

Jac: It’s not as easy

Jac: in practice

Savannah: It’s not a decision to be taken lightly but it’s a decision I would have to make nonetheless

Jac: Yeah

Savannah: So no, I’m not upset with you, how could I be? I’m upset for you & at myself for not being there

Jac: It’s okay, I’m okay now

Jac: well, I’ve come to terms with it

Savannah: Thank you for telling me

Jac: I didn’t want to keep any secrets from you

Jac: but equally, I didn’t want to just

Jac: come out with it, from nowhere

Jac: I didn’t want to risk ruining anything, for something I try to not dwell on

Savannah: I felt the same about what happened to my mum, if you hadn’t brought it up I’m not sure when or how I would’ve

Jac: I get that

Jac: I’d never judge you for what happened to your mum

Savannah: but I’ll always feel ashamed for my part in it, I let her down & I didn’t want you to know I was still capable of that, not after Is

Jac: All I did after Is was let people down so

Jac: no room or desire to say anything

Savannah: I didn’t know what you were doing or how you felt when my mum did that though, I could only guess

Jac: I still feel bad I had no idea

Jac: I suppose my family thought I was bad enough without telling me

Savannah: You don’t have to feel bad, I should’ve reached out, I wanted to

Jac: Everyone else knew though, but didn’t know her enough to reach out

Jac: I could’ve

Savannah: It’s okay, she’s doing better now & it would have been beyond selfish of me to use what happened as a reason to come back into your life before either of us were ready

Jac: I am glad it happened how it happened, however selfishly

Jac: it was perfect

Savannah: me too, I definitely wouldn’t have coped with walking away from you a second time if I had reached out then & it had gone badly

Jac: I would have to die if you had reached out and I was such a mess and you had to turn away again

Savannah: It would’ve been because I was a mess not you

Jac: Babe

Jac: not to diminish your own struggles

Jac: but you didn’t have to have an abortion

Savannah: What I mean is I couldn’t just have carried on leading you on like I did before I left & I would’ve

Jac: I should’ve never have rushed you

Savannah: It’s not your fault it wasn’t something I could act on, you were reading my signals correctly, you always have

Jac: It isn’t your fault either

Jac: remember that and it’s okay

Savannah: okay, I will

Jac: If you want to tell me anything else, you can now

Jac: No amnesty needed but it might be a good time for us to get anything/everything out

Savannah: Agreed, but I don’t think I have anything else

Jac: Well, that’s a positive

Savannah: do you have more you want to tell me?

Jac: It’s like

Jac: It was just a general energy, in those two years

Jac: but also it was two years, it is hard to know where to begin or what to mention

Savannah: I know exactly what you mean

Jac: I don’t want to keep anything from you

Jac: but I also don’t want to needlessly tell you anything and everything, especially when it could be hurtful, if it serves no purpose

Jac: I still check his socials

Jac: the guys

Jac: I don’t know why

Savannah: Even if the only purpose it serves is that you want to talk about it because you don’t want to have secrets from me, or you haven’t had a previous opportunity to say these things to anyone until now, those are both good enough reasons

Savannah: it isn’t about me & you don’t have to worry about hurting me, I can do this if you want to

Savannah: as for that boy, you went through something together, it makes total sense you’d want to know what happened to him afterwards, if his life continued the way it had been when yours obviously couldn’t

Jac: I barely spoke the whole time, so whether self-imposed or not, no one to talk to definitely rings true

Jac: I only knew him from parties, he wasn’t anyone special to me

Jac: but perhaps I was looking for signs of his life falling apart too, even if that was always beyond unlikely

Jac: It can so easily not be real to boys, they can close that off

Savannah: I wish I could give you any degree of closure with him but I promise you can always talk to me, you’ll never have to struggle with that again

Jac: It’s not like I even want to talk to him, he did try a few times after but, I don’t know

Jac: It’s morbidity, really

Jac: I kept the packaging, that the pills came in

Jac: I know that’s even worse, eventually I’ll stop checking and I’ll throw that away but not yet

Savannah: It’s not something you can rush, or should ever try to, do what feels comfortable in your own time

Jac: I never wanted to be the type of person who held on to sad reminders like that, like an anti-trophy

Savannah: There was so much blood my auntie had to have my mum's en-suite redecorated

Savannah: every time I'm back at the house I force myself to go in there

Savannah: I'd like to stop

Savannah: we can look after each other now that we both know everything

Jac: We will

Jac: It’ll be easier now

Jac: everything

Savannah: Absolutely

Savannah: I can't promise perfect but I can definitely promise easier

Jac: I don’t need perfect

Jac: even expecting it from myself is becoming tired

Jac: you as you are is more than enough

Savannah: This, us, is all I need & making it through the first year here & still being as in love with the place too as when I started feels like more than enough

Jac: For me too

Jac: everything about here and us is right

Jac: I don’t want to be dragged back down by her and home and our past

Savannah: So we won't go home, I meant what I said about Sligo you know

Jac: But I was trying

Jac: with them all

Jac: to be better

Jac: She’s such a fucking-

Jac: I don’t know, I shouldn’t have to avoid them because she’s fucked up, it’s not fair

Savannah: it's beyond unfair

Jac: I’m sorry, I’m not in the right headspace to do much but rage and mope

Jac: we should start in Sligo, if you’re sure

Jac: we’re having at least a week somewhere amazing/if not a few European stops

Jac: then I’ll have to decide what to do, visit everyone but her, or just go back

Savannah: You never have to apologise for a negative headspace but especially not right now with how fresh this is

Savannah: but yes, I’m sure Sligo is the best starting point & that I can afford 2 or maybe 3 weeks away after that depending where we go & whatever happens afterwards, I’ll be there to support you

Jac: I just don’t want you to think how helpful and supportive you’re being right now is going unappreciated or unnoticed, just because I have to dwell on the feelings of it all currently, it isn’t and I want to be on the ‘let’s sort this’ level as soon as I’m capable

Jac: European tours are something the upper-class got very right… I’ve been adding to our moodboard constantly [of course they would]

Savannah: I’ve never felt unnoticed or unappreciated by you, now would be totally the wrong time to start when I know you so much better than that

Savannah: [obvs send her your moodboard updates like snap you big nerd]

Jac: 😅 [will make use of all your europe jaunts ladiezzz]

Jac: Okay, okay, a week is NOT long enough

Jac: and uni summer does stretch on FOREVER

Jac: Three weeks out of that time is NOTHING, regardless of respective worries about going home

Savannah: ^^^ Exactly

Jac: So many people have told me they aren’t even going home, or will for like a week or if someone has a birthday or whatever

Jac: first years like us too

Jac: We never got a summer together, me and you, we deserve it

Savannah: You’re so right

Savannah: besides which I expect my parents to be in their usual near constant phone contact & with Sienna going travelling once she’s done with school I’ve already insisted she is, I have no obligation to be physically present at home even if the desire existed, it’s as close to free as I’ll ever be

Jac: Right, it’s not as if we’re proposing to go off grid

Jac: I won’t have the narrative be I’m being difficult and WON’T come home because of her, this is on her, not me

Jac: Jesse has a birthday in July, I’ll definitely have to go to that but apart from that, no actual obligation

Jac: take a week there, see everyone I need to see, done

Savannah: if anyone accuses you of being difficult I’ll show them what difficult really looks like 😠

Jac: 😳

Savannah: I’ll be an 👼🏾 for you until then though

Jac: You’ve only given me a few reasons to doubt you

Jac: but that’s just between me and you

Savannah: 😳

Jac: I can’t wait to see all of Europe with you

Savannah: we’re going to have the best time, baby

Jac: We always do

Jac: And there’s no dormies to care about disturbing in Europe

Savannah: Thank god, I seriously can’t wait for that

Savannah: & not having to share with Taylor next year

Jac: and a double bed 🤞

Savannah: 🙏🏾🙌🏾

Jac: though being that close to you hasn’t been TOO terrible 😏

Savannah: I’ll miss it too

Jac: I’ve got us some film so we can document our rooms before we have to clear out

Jac: it will be sad to know someone else will be in them next year, although it’ll be exciting to get set up where we’ll HOPEFULLY be for the rest of the duration

Savannah: I adore you for having that idea

Jac: We’ll want to remember this time, all of it

Jac: but there’s so much still to come

Savannah: It feels too unforgettable not to, but I guess if the rest of our lives are like that I won’t be able to retain it all when I’m really old

Jac: and these are the kind of memories and mementos I want for us

Jac: This probably sounds ridiculous but I know you’ll get it

Jac: I already miss it here

Jac: and we have literal YEARS left yet

Jac: I never want any of this to be over

Savannah: it doesn’t, we belong here, I feel heartbroken too whenever we have to leave for any length of break

Jac: Like, I know I don’t want to go the professor-stay-in-education-forever route, not really, but like 😫 Uni is incredible

Savannah: agreed 🥺

Jac: New idea for a new moodboard

Jac: we need to make a bucket-list of all the things we can only do whilst at this age and in school, so we don’t miss anything

Savannah: Yes!

Jac: Are we too late for dinner now?

Jac: I can get my puffy eyes under control

Jac: I want to see you regardless but

Savannah: of course not, but I can also just as easily pick up & bring you [what you know she would have ordered]

Jac: You’re perfect

Jac: I’ll set up the blanket, we can eat it in the gardens

Jac: This night is salvageable

Savannah: I love that we can still have 🌷🌹🌼🌻 because it may be too late for me to also bring you a 💐

Jac: You don’t need to bring me flowers

Jac: but I’m never upset to have them around me

Savannah: I’ll try using my superpower

Jac: I’ll use some of mine

Savannah: that isn’t fair, I only have one

Jac: That’s definitely not true

Savannah: it so is

Jac: I’ll remind you of yours whilst I’m using mine

Savannah: I’m not sure we can call an undetectable 😳 a skill but I’m super relieved mine is

Jac: That’s fair

Jac: might be more than just us and the 🌷🌹🌼🌻s in the garden

Savannah: & I’m definitely not alone out here on my way to [whatever restaurant she’s going to]

Jac: 🤐 I hear you, babe 😇

Savannah: Soon you will, these unknown posh boys in front of me aren’t getting the pleasure

Jac: You don’t need to make their year like that

Jac: charity work for the deserving only

Savannah: 😄