#anyway I will probably not sleep in the next 48 hours we are SPEED RUNNING this

[solymn]

Wish me luck lads, we’re entering crunch mode

[kyber-crystal]

lost in space || s.r

summary: post-IW in which you’re stuck on the ship with tony and nebula. knowing you didn’t have much time left before oxygen levels ran out for good, you decide to send a final goodbye message to the man you’ve grown to love over the past several years.

words: ~2.1k

warnings: angst in the beginning, fluff, major feels, worried steve ;-p

a/n: i took inspo for another oneshot like this that i read but then i got a bunch of new related ideas, so here we go!

22 days.

22 days of drifting through empty space with Tony and Nebula.

After day 16, you began losing hope in returning home. Nobody had to say anything for you to put two and two together and realize you didn't have much longer before what little was left of your oxygen supply ran out. So this had the three of you accepting you wouldn't make it through, opting to make the best of the time you had left. Your breathing became more heavy and labored, as the act of taking a single breath had now grown more difficult with each passing minute.

While she didn't want to admit it, Nebula thought having you and Tony by her side was much better than imagining being alone. It was an unspoken agreement that you all enjoyed each others' company; seeing you were all you had now after losing almost everything.

You exhaled as you sat in the cockpit of the ship, chin resting in your hand as you gazed out the glass dome and took in the eerie yet beautiful sight that space had to offer.

Feeling a rough hand clasp your shoulder, you turned around to see Tony standing there.

"Hey," he smiled softly, holding his remaining granola bar out to you. "You haven't eaten all day. Why don't you take the rest of this."

"No, I can't do that," you shook your head. "You need to eat, too."

"Your health is just as important, Y/N. You've lost too much weight in these past three weeks."

"Haven't we all."

"Just take it."

Knowing he wasn't going to stop arguing, you mumbled a 'thank you' and took the bar from him, taking a small bite.

You pushed yourself out from your chair and took a seat next to him, lowering yourself to the ground on the steps as he leaned his helmet against the wall.

"What are you doing?"

"Leaving them a message. In case things go wrong, and...we don't make it," he replied as he took in a deep breath and began fiddling with the helmet, flicking a switch inside it before tapping its' side, projecting a blue light over you two.

"Tony...we're literally going to die. I don't get why you're doing this, Steve and the others probably think we're already dead..."

"Might as well say a last good bye, then. And, recording...is this thing on?" He tapped the side of the helmet again. "Hey, Miss Potts...Pep. If you find this recording, don't post it on social media. It's gonna be a real tear-jerker. I don't know if you're ever going to see these. I don't even know if you're...if you're still...Oh, god. I hope so. Today is day 21, uh..."

"22," you corrected as you leaned back against the wall. “Or 23. Wait no, 22.”

"Yeah, 22. You know, if it wasn't for the existential terror of staring into a void of space, I'd say I'm feeling better today. The infection's run its course, thanks to the blue meanie back there."

"You’d love her. She’s very practical," you added, "Only a tiny bit sadistic."

"Anyway...some fuel cells were cracked during battle, but we figured out a way to reverse the ion charge to buy ourselves about 48 hours of time. But it's now dead in the water. We're 1000 light years from the nearest 7-11. Oxygen will run out tomorrow. And that'll be it. And Pep, I...I know I said no more surprises, but I was really hoping to pull off one last one. But it looks like...well you know what it looks like. Don't feel bad about this. I mean, if you grovel for a couple of weeks, and then move on with enormous guilt. I should probably lie down. Please know that...when I drift off, I will think about you. Because it's always you."

You both fell into silence afterwards and you quickly looked away, squeezing your eyes shut in an attempt to try and stem the flow of tears that threatened to spill. Tony must've noticed the look on your face, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder as you stared blankly out ahead.

This really was it. When you imagined dying, you saw yourself going down on the battlefield, maybe jumping into the crossfire to save someone. Or simply passing in your sleep, dying of old age, anything but being unable to breathe.

You didn't think you'd meet your demise by running out of oxygen as you drifted mindlessly through space.

"Why don't you talk to Capsicle," Tony finally spoke up several minutes later. "This might be your only chance to get the closure you've wanted for so long."

"I'm not...it's not like that," you sighed, running a hand down your face. "He's just a friend."

"Don't bullshit me, Y/N. I know you're in love with him."

You let out another sigh, staring at his helmet blankly for a moment before opening your mouth to speak.

"Hey, Cap. You know, for the longest time, I was stuck trying to figure out what I was really meant to do, why I was ever placed on the earth to begin with," you spoke, looking out the glass at the darkness of space again, "When Fury first recruited me to the initiative, I was...I was in a dark place. And I didn't know how to get out. I felt stuck, frustrated...lost. I felt like I wasn't worthy or even the slightest bit prepared to take on the responsibilities of a hero because of all that I'd done in the past. I'd committed my fair share of sins, and...it all came down to a point where I almost lost the will to keep going, to keep living. My demons held me back from the perfect life I so desperately wanted and followed me everywhere I went. But then you came along, and for the first time in a long time, I started to hope, to...feel things again. You taught me that there was such a thing as second chances and forgiveness, that it's okay to make mistakes, and most importantly, I was meant to feel things; to love.

"You taught me that I was meant to feel happy, to allow myself the chance at living that burden-free life. That I didn't have to feel so doubtful when something good happened because all I'd ever learned was to feel suspicious when an event occurred in my favor. God, I really do owe you, huh? I honestly don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you. Maybe spiral down into an endless pit of despair and destruction? But really, I'm grateful that you walked into my life. I don't know how I'm supposed to repay you for all that you've given up for me.

You chuckled lightly and sniffled, hastily wiping at your eyes. "I know you're still out there. I hope you are. Because I know Captain America would never go down without a fight. This fight, though...you don't need to keep fighting. I've already accepted my fate. I'm going to die in less than two days...and I'm not bitter or mad at all. Death is inevitable, you know? If there's anything I took away from my torturous days in the Red Room, it was to never fear death because every girl would eventually meet her end. I'll be completely honest with myself here, I don't mind dying alongside these two...Tony and Nebula are some pretty great roommates. Who knew an alien could be so good at paper football?

The helmet flickered and you knew you didn't have much time left. "Steve...I don't want you to look back at all this in pain. I want you to live your best life...one that isn't filled with regret. And if this means moving on, starting anew...then do it. I want you to be happy. Be happy...for me.

Another tear fell, but this time you didn't bother to wipe it away. "I guess since my days are now numbered, I should let this weight off my chest...I love you, Steve Rogers. More than you'll ever know. I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember and I can only hope you feel the same but I guess I might never know that answer now...we can't always get our happy endings, can we?

"I'm so sorry I didn't get to say goodbye one last time, I love you," you choked out as the recording finally powered down and you let your head fall into your hands, the tears now flowing freely down your cheeks. The ache of longing to be with him echoed through the marrow of your bones; a chill wind trapped inside your heart and a million little glass shards tearing at your guts. Nausea swirled around in your stomach, head swimming with thoughts as your blood felt like tar, struggling to flow steadily.

Reaching over, Tony carefully grasped your hand, lacing your fingers together and squeezing gently. "It's gonna be okay," he muttered, eyes closed as you trained your gaze on the glass. "It's gonna be okay."

It could've been five minutes or five hours later, but suddenly, a vast white light illuminated the space surrounding you, forcing you to shut your eyes again.

As you focused on the bright ball of light, you could make out several features of a woman, though you initially thought you were dreaming. This couldn't be real. Was it?

"Hang in there, guys, I've got you," her voice flooded your ears, before she disappeared from view.

You opened your eyes a second time to see you were speeding towards Earth, the ship slowing down slightly as the familiar outline of America came into view.

Then, a steady jolt of the Benatar indicated you'd hit solid ground, in the middle of the field in the Avengers facility.

Nebula helped Tony up first, then you. The entry hatch opened, and you carefully stepped down the ramp together onto the grass.

It was pitch-black out, the only sources of light coming from the lights that projected from the compound, but it didn't take long for your vision to adjust. A small smile found its way onto your face as you saw six familiar figures came running towards you.

"Oh my God," Pepper cried, throwing her arms around Tony's neck and holding on as if her life depended on it. "Oh my God."

You smiled wistfully as you observed your surroundings, lowering yourself onto the ramp's last set, arms crossed over your chest as you realized just how cold it actually was.

A sudden warmth enveloped you and you felt someone's leather jacket being draped over your shoulders. Seeing Steve's familiar tall figure out of the corner of your eye, you moved over slightly to allow room for him to sit.

He looked over at you in concern, taking in your pale and malnourished figure. His chest ached at the sight.

"I'm okay," you found yourself saying, "don't worry about me."

"I've been worrying about you for the past twenty-two days," he replied, hands in his pockets, "I thought you were dead."

"I'm sorry."

"I missed you."

"I missed you too," you swallowed hard.

Steve let out a shaky breath and slid an arm around your waist, pulling you close as you rested your forehead on his shoulder.

"I thought you were dead," his voice cracked, "and if you really were, then...I don't know what I'd do."

“Me neither,” you breathed out. “God, I missed you so much.”

Then all of a sudden, the whole word seemed as if it was on standstill as his sapphire blue eyes bored into yours with such an intensity that sent a chill down your spine, keeping you firmly locked in place. And it utterly terrified you because you’d never felt something so intense like this before and he was the reason why you even felt this way to begin with. 

And before you can protest against your own thoughts, you closed your fists around his shirt and gently tugged him towards you, closing the gap and kissing him. The sudden action took you both by surprise but Steve doesn’t waste any time in reacting, moving a hand from your cheek to the nape of your neck to kiss you back. 

Everyone’s too exhausted, too busy feeling relieved at the fact that you returned safely to make a teasing comment towards yours and Steve’s relationship. They’ve secretly been betting for a while that you’d finally get together, though not in this exact way. 

Until Rocket breaks the silence. “Nice welcome back gift, Agent.”

"You cockblock," Nebula flicks him in the head. "Let them have their moment, geez."

[wirewitchviolet]

We really need 1:1 time passage in games.

I play a lot of games. I particularly play a whole lot of RPGs, strategy things, survival games, and these all tend to be games that try to create an extra sense of immersion with hunger, thirst, and a day night cycle. And WOW do they ever end up doing the exact opposite with the implementation!

Like, let’s just start with food. If I am playing a survival game, and I choose not to eat for a while, my little hunger meter will bottom out, and I will start taking damage then eventually die. This tends to take like, one real life hour/in-game day, give or take to kick in, and then death comes within like, maybe 5 minutes if they’re generous? And I stave this off by... usually finding, killing, cooking, and eating, 2 entire turkeys per real hour/in-game day.

So... what the hell is any of that!?

So we have hunger, and we’re representing it as this slowly draining meter you have to keep an eye on. Already, that’s just weird. In my experience, you can go an entire day, not eating a damn thing, and not feel a thing out of the ordinary. But when you do actually get hungry, it can be overwhelming and impossible to ignore (have you eaten yet today by the way? My meal schedule’s gotten totally weird). Nothing about that makes sense to simulate as a slowly lowering bar. If you want realism, you have absolutely no onscreen hunger meter, and then like every 4-24 hours or so you have some incredibly distracting hunger indicator kick in and stay kicked in. Like, activate rumble packs and leave’em going at a steady pulse sort of annoying. And it gets worse when you’re actually preparing food.

Also feeling hungry is not an early indicator that you are going to suddenly die of starvation, or even that you’re anywhere near that point. I had dinner 6 hours ago, I’m a little hungry now. It varies a lot, but actually starving to death can take upwards of going TWO WHOLE MONTHS without any food at all. Like if we’re representing that as a meter, “hungry” kicks in when it drops to 99% full. Starvation is not a particularly common cause of death. If you’re dying of starvation, either someone is intentionally starving you to death, or some horrific catastrophe has just wiped out completely absolutely every potential food source in an area you somehow cannot wander your way out of even if you have months to do so. Relevant real world fact- Any time you see stuff about people dying of starvation, that’s never “farming just is not a thing that works in this area,” it’s “some malicious tyrant is actively preventing these people from accessing food in a deliberate effort to cause them to starve.” It’s really not actually a concern in any sort of survival story, unless we’re going real long term.

Meanwhile, have game designers ever actually, like, eaten food? Like I said, 2 whole turkeys per real hour/game day seems to be the going standard and like... have you had a turkey? I live in America, there is this tradition on Thanksgiving to go get a turkey, spend a day cooking it, and serving it as part of a meal served to one’s whole extended family. You’ve got that one turkey (granted, generally with a lot of side dishes) feeding like... a dozen people, easily. And at the end of the day, you’ve only MAYBE collectively made your way through like half a breast. You carve up a bunch more and send everyone home with a ton of leftovers. Then you’ve still got this giant mountain of turkey left, and you’re eating it for like the next week until you’re completely sick of turkey and throw the rest out, with plenty of meat entirely uneaten on the bird. Or hey, do you eat hamburgers? You know how the standard for a really kinda too big to responsibly be ordering it hamburger is “a quarter-pounder?” Which refers to the 0.25 lbs. of meat on the bun? Just quickly googling “beef weight” and copying the preview text from the oddly named first hit, on beef2live.com... “An average beef animal weighs about 1200 pounds and has a hanging hot carcass weight (HCW) of about 750 pounds.“ I can’t honestly say I know what “hanging hot carcass weight” is and I kinda doing want to, but I’m assuming that’s how much you have to work with after stripping out all the bones and organs and such. Multiply that by 4 to get how many oversized burgers you get out of one “beef animal” (why does it not say cow? I’m growing increasingly unsettled)- 3000 burgers. Give or take. You go smack that one Mnecraft cow with your sword, you should be fine for like 5 years. At least assuming we’re not simulating food spoilage. And if we are, HEY THAT TAKES SIGNIFICANTLY LONGER THAN ONE DAY, 2 IF YOU SALT IT!

And I mean, on top of that, we’ve got this whole standard I keep citing of 1 real world hour/1 in-game day. That kinda seems to be one of the more common standards for the passage of time video games use. That or 1 minute=1 hour. And I... really don’t understand why we have these scales?

Like, the earliest example of a day/night cycle in a game is Dragon Quest 3, where 1 steps on the over world map=12 minutes passing, or 120 steps=1 day. That’s a weird scale I’m having to use, but that’s because as the most traditional of JRPGs, DQ3′s sense of both time AND space are super abstracted and walking a short distance across the world map is this super compressed and simplified conveyance of a big long epic journey through the untamed wilderness. The first games I can think of offhand to really do it as a real time elapsed ratio thing are like... The Sims and GTA 3? Let me look at each of those in turn in a bit here.

So, The Sims has to pass days pretty quick, because that’s like, the whole idea. We’re watching this little household drama unfold in a compressed time scale... but the scale is really messed up? Like, we start off pretty simple. Sims work their shifts of like 9-5 on the in-game clock, need an appropriate amount of sleep... but then MOST things have timing based off having animations play at a reasonable pace, which is to say, 1 to 1 time, not 1 to 60. It takes like 3 in-game minutes for a Sim to get up out of a chair, several more minutes to walk to the kitchen and even start cooking, altogether just getting up, making a meal, cleaning up, and sitting back down is going to end up being this hours long affair, most of that being travel time from one room to another. It’s weird, and practically speaking you end up having them eat one meal, use the toilet once, and take a shower once per in game day, because less than that problems occur, and more than that, it’s a huge pain. And forget conversations. Those are like 12 hour commitments.

And then we have GTA3, where 1 real minute=1 in game hour... and this isn’t tied to anything in-game at all really. You don’t eat, you don’t sleep, nothing really has business hours to deal with, the whole day/night cycle is just there to give you a nice cycling change of scenery... and also again, breaks immersion, because the animation speed is 1:1. According to a video I just watched, walking end to end across the map of GTA3 takes a full 48 in-game hours (121 in GTA5). And I mean... there’s races, and high speed chases, and all this other stuff that according to the in-game clock are at such slow speeds you can barely tell anything’s moving. It’s weird and arbitrary! And also unnecessary! Like, I’m pretty sure I sank at least 80 hours into my first playthrough of GTA3. I definitely spent enough time cruising around any given island that if time passed in a 1:1 ratio, I’d still see what everything looked like at every time of day. And hell if you rigged it up to a real world clock I could plan around that, do all the cool missions right at sundown.

But I mean, also, there’s these things called movies and TV shows? You may have heard of them, because it’s where games get a whole bunch of terms they use all the time. Like camera, and scene. So the thing there is, when, say, a movie switches to a new scene, they’ll often arbitrarily jump the day/night cycle ahead by several in-movie hours, or even days, so the lighting is appropriate to what’s going to happen in that scene. You can actually just... do that in games, too. It’s OK. Nobody’s going to stop you or say it’s breaking immersion. I talk to this guy to start this mission at what’s clearly noon, then we fade to back, and I come back out onto the street late at night so I can do this daring nighttime raid. That’s.. OK. You can do that. Honest. No need to have the sun doing crazy fast laps in the background.

Anyway, other games since have all copied that time scale, because blindly copying things from GTA3 was kinda... how people made games for a good stretch of time (and yeah yeah yeah, Elder Scrolls was probably already doing it, whatever... hell so was Robinson’s Requiem I’m pretty sure, and Drakken I know was paced something like that). But anyway, we mixed that sort of time scale with Survival Gameplay and we’re just kinda mashing these problems together. We’re doing everything in this one to one time scale, but the in-game clock is running at like 60 times that, and our already ridiculous food intake needs are downright absurd, and suddenly we’re destroying absolutely all life on sight to sate our ever-present ravenous hunger (and possibly never sleeping).

And like... survival games don’t actually need that? Like the interesting bits of the angle are finding sources of things like clean water and shelter so you don’t die of exposure once the sun’s down and stuff. And these are things you really just need to do once and you’re set. You could... basically set up a whole game, running in real time, where these are early potential fail states. Get some kind of shelter set up within the first 5 hours or so, sleep to advance straight to the next day after pulling that off, then you have like 3 days total to find drinkable water, and... honestly at that point we’re talking like a good 45 minutes of gameplay and you could really end it there, or start your last goal. But instead, no, we’re making some kinda crude axe/bow and killing everything to eat.

Not only is it not realistic, not only does it take me out of the experience by checking the math, the whole affair feels kinda like I’m being put through someone’s weird hyper-masculine cargo cult fantasy of what it would have been like if they grew up Hunting With Dad and like.... OK people who actually do that still kill like one animal, then drag it home, throw it in a big fridge, and eat it for quite a long time, or sell it, or leave it to rot because they’re just really into ending the lives of innocent creatures and don’t want weird gamey meat at all.

So yeah, just let time be time, and don’t ever actually make me eat if we’re trying for some kind of gritty realism thing. I really don’t get hungry nearly that often and fill up quick.

[panclownrights]

50 questions you’ve never (?) been asked before

Thank you for the tag @crowappreciation

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?

Well on those special days where I do run one of those through my hair, I have a purple one and a yellow one

2. A food you never eat?

Honestly, the easier question is what are the few foods I do eat

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

I’m almost always freezing... and I live in a place where the temperature is warm 98% of the year...

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Laying on the ground while my muscles screamed at me for using them aka me trying to workout

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

Kit-Kats are pretty good

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event?

Gross, no thank you

7. What is the last thing you said out loud?

Probably, “what the hell is wrong with me” yet continues following through with my actions anyway

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Coffee

10. Do you like your wallet?

I love my wallet actually, I just changed it recently so now it properly holds everything I need to put in it

11. What was the last thing you ate?

Sushi

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

I don’t think I’ve bought any new clothes in the past month or so

13. The Last sporting event you watched?

Again.. gross, no thank you

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

Um.. the regular movie theater kind..?

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to?

@stressedbi to tell me NOT to cosplay the character I want to do next.. yet instead they are encouraging me to do so...

16. Ever go camping?

A few times when I was younger

17. Do you take vitamins?

I try to remember to take them then forget for a few months then try again for a few days.. and the cycle goes on

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

That’s really funny actually- no.

19. Do you have a tan?

My mom reminded me an hour ago how I look like I belong in the morgue

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

Oh both are good!!

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

I don’t drink soda, but also metal straws are an essential for me no matter what I drink usually

22. What color socks do you usually wear?

Usually pink or purple

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?

Who doesn’t drive over the speed limit?? I tend to run late so yes

24. What terrifies you?

I have no idea actually, probably a lot of stuff??

25. Look to your left, what do you see?

My sunglasses

26. What chore do you hate?

Doing the dishes are the WORST

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian Accent?

The lovely, disapproving accent of @are-you-being-sirius ... that I haven’t actually heard for a little bit now and that’s kind of weird to me?? What the hell, we need to do a call sometime soon

28. What’s your favorite soda?

None

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

If Starbucks counts as fast food, I tend to do drive-thrus

30. Favorite cut of beef?

What kind of question is this???

31. Who’s the last person you talked to?

@stressedbi who was not helpful

32. Last Song you listened to?

Soulmate by Lizzo

33. Last Book you read?

The 4th Percy Jackson book

34. Favorite Day of the week?

Thursday’s are pretty nice

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Nope

36. How do you like your coffee?

I’ve been drinking the same dark coffee with some French vanilla creamer and ice for too many years now

37. Favorite pair of shoes?

These light brown suede ankle boots with a low heel... I don’t think I described that right at all??

38. At what time do you normally go to bed?

Anywhere between midnight and 3

39. At what time do you normally get up?

Anywhere between 8 and 10

40. What do you prefer sunrise or sunsets?

Sunrises are really peaceful to me

41. How many blankets are on your bed?

I think 5 or 6

42. Describe your kitchen plates?

They’re these horrible beachy designs

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?

Not really, but if I’m at an event, I’ll usually have a cranberry-vodka

44. Do you play cards?

Nope

45. What color is your car?

A titanium grey

46. Can you change a tire?

Oh god no

47. What is your favorite state/providence?

COLORADO!! I can’t stress that enough

48. Favorite job you’ve ever had?

My current job as a sales associate

49. How did you get your biggest scar?

I slipped in an indoor water park when I was a kid and skinned off the top of my right foot

50. What did you do today that made someone else happy?

Probably letting Suss sleep at a normal time instead of keeping them up with my nonsense

I tag @stressedbi , @owlswithfins , @are-you-being-sirius , @laura-kay , @ask-dromeda

[jtsodergren]

The Best of 2019

2019, what an exceptional year for movies! A great way to close out the shittiest decade! Here are the 50 best films I saw this year... click on the title to go to the IMDB page, and I’ll try to post a link to where you can see many of them. Also for the first time this year, I’m including MOM WARNINGS! My mom reads this list and sometimes actually watches these movies... so to save her some grief, sadness, or general concern for my psyche, there will be a NOT FOR MOMS!! warning where applicable... here we go!

50. STAR WARS - EPISODE IX: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER (Amazon)

People really hated this movie... I actually really liked it! Aside from the horses running around on the outside of spaceships (which makes no fucking sense... didn’t Leia get all space frozen exactly one movie ago??), it was a satisfying conclusion to a franchise I guess I don’t really care about as much as other people, so I was into it!

49. JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 - PARABELLUM (Amazon)

Quickly becoming one of the more well produced action franchises of all time. Probably two too many machine gun shootouts in this one for me (I get a little exhausted with gun violence), but the hand-to-hand stuff is brilliant and bloody and badass! Not to mention the deepening of the mythology and Halle Berry and her dogs. It’s a fun time, a welcome addition to the series, and I can’t wait for number 4.

48. QUEEN & SLIM (Amazon)

Billed as the black BONNIE AND CLYDE and from first time feature director Melina Matsoukas, this atmospheric tragedy is gorgeous to look at, delivers a pair of standout lead performances, and proves to have one of the more stressful final 30min of any of the films I saw this year, even if you know the inevitable conclusion is just around the corner.

47. UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (Amazon PRIME)

A wild Los Angeles noir story from the director of IT FOLLOWS. Plays like if David Lynch directed THE BIG LEBOWSKI, a weird, screwball whodunit. It’s a little long, and there are so many loose ends that seem to be thrown in just to fuck with the protagonist (and the audience), but it’s a really fun time and you’ll want to stay to the end to see it all play out. LA looks gorgeous too.

46. KNOCK DOWN THE HOUSE (Netflix)

Truly inspiring. Really shows how if you put your mind to something, believe in yourself and that you can make a difference, you can accomplish anything. Regardless of your political leanings, or how you feel about AOC personally, this is well worth your time and it has a great message for young people, especially those young women of color who might not think they can achieve great levels of success. It made me cry the happy tears.

45. LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT (Amazon)

Best known for it’s remarkable 59min-3D final take, this hallucinatory journey through memory and dreams is mind-blowing and breathtaking. Hard not to leave this one feeling like you’ve been put though some kind of experiment that you don’t fully understand, but you’ll want to experience again. Highly recommended if you have access to 3D, or simply have some killer edibles and want to be thrown for a loop.

44. CLIMAX (Amazon PRIME)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

Speaking of being under the influence, holy shit is this film nuts! From Gaspar Noe, who if you’re aware of his work, you kind of already know what you’re in store for here. It’s been described as “FAME directed by the Marquis de Sade”... incredible dance sequences and audacious camerawork that slowly but surely devolves into hell. It’s a blast!

43. HAIL SATAN? (Hulu)

A fresh and funny documentary about a group of smartass Satanists exposing the hypocrisy amongst bible-thumping Christians who’d rather stomp their feet and be the loudest in the room than listen to anyone else’s perspective. Frustrating and entertaining in equal parts, this compulsively watchable film makes you want to scream at these Jesus freaks as much as you want to laugh along with the antics of these harmless, intelligent and organized troublemakers. An excellent time well spent.

42. FIRST LOVE (Amazon)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

Director Takashi Miike’s yakuza action-comedy is the most accessible of his films I’ve seen (he’s now made more than 100 movies, which is insane), but that doesn’t mean it’s not a gonzo wild time at the movies. The violence is here in full force, but unlike AUDITION or ICHI THE KILLER, you don’t need a barf bag close by to enjoy it. It’s often hilarious and moves at a breakneck speed. Super fun!

41. THE DEAD DON’T DIE (Amazon PRIME)

Jim Jarmusch’s star-studded, droll zombie-comedy came and went from theaters without much fanfare, but provided me with plenty of laughs. It’s also the second of 3 Adam Driver vehicles to be on this year’s list. Bill Murray and Driver lead the way along with plenty familiar faces in cameos throughout (including the RZA in one of my favorite scene’s of the year). Classic Jarmusch... a meditation on death and mortality in his vintage style.

40. EL CAMINO: A BREAKING BAD MOVIE (Netflix)

Dude, Aaron Paul is a legit GREAT actor. Picks up right where the show left off, and I was on the edge of my seat and filled with anxiety just like I was during the best moments of the now classic series. It was good to hang out with my old friends again.

39. DOCTOR SLEEP (Amazon)

A box office flop due to poor promotion and a title people weren’t familiar with, this sequel to THE SHINING is based on the Stephen King book of the same name, which I read, and I can’t recommend it more. Great suspense, and fantastic performances from both Ewan McGregor and (especially) Rebecca Ferguson. It’s a dark and scary film that is a fun trip back to the Overlook Hotel... provided you wish to return there...

38. THE LAST BLACK MAN IN SAN FRANCISCO (Amazon PRIME)

About 90min into this beautifully shot film I was ready to lock it in as a possible Top 5 contender. Then the bottom fell out for me the last quarter of the movie and lost my confidence. No bother, it’s still wonderful enough to find a spot on the list and carry my recommendation. Young men and women watching their city change before their eyes, and wondering what the concept of “home” really means is a real challenge facing many people here in the Bay Area. This film does a fantastic job conveying that, for most of the film anyway. 

37. THE PEANUT BUTTER FALCON (Amazon)

A bonafide crown-pleaser of a movie, and another example of the true talent Shia LeBeouf has and is capable of (more on him later). A young man with Down Syndrome escapes his assisted-living facility to track down his wrestling idol the Saltwater Redneck with the help of an outlaw and a social worker. Sweet, funny, and heartfelt... a feel good surprise.

36. A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD (Amazon)

I didn’t cry nearly as much as I did during the excellent documentary WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR from last year, but if you’re a Mr. Rogers fan, you’ll still shed a few during this heartwarming film. Tom Hanks does his thing, and even though this movie is guilty of borrowing a little too much from the previous doc, it’s still a great showcase for the truly selfless and beautiful force of nature that Fred Rogers was. Bring tissues anyway.

35. CARMINE STREET GUITARS (In Theaters Now)

A love letter to both New York City and the art, joy, and love that goes into honing and maintaining one’s craft. Meanwhile the looming doom of gentrification hovers over the proceedings, never letting you get fully enrapt in the sweetness that these artists (and their many famous customers) exude when talking about and playing their one-of-a-kind works of art. A stunning and lovely piece for musicians and talentless fans of music alike.

34. HOLIDAY (Amazon)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

A tough, cold film with nary a character to actively root for... until after about an hour of icy behavior comes (no pun intended) a scene so shocking in its graphic and disturbing nature, people left the theater without staying for the final resolution. First time director Isabella Eklof pulls off the bold and audacious maneuver, all while making it seem like she doesn’t care whether you like her characters (or her film) at all. It’s a very fine balancing act, executed to perfection. But be warned... it’s rough.

33. AVENGERS: ENDGAME (Disney+)

What can I say? You saw it. It’s good. A bunch of Supermans fly around and blow shit up. A satisfying end (until the next 20 films).

32. MIDSOMMAR (Amazon Prime)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

A disturbing slow burn of a gothic horror film. Characters do hallucinogens while ritualistic religious murders and tribal mating practices threaten to ruin everyones existence. Florence Pugh is phenomenal (more from her in a minute) in a very trying roll. Doesn’t pack quite the punch of the director’s last film, HEREDITARY, but it’s still well worth the watch. But yeah, it’s disturbing.

31. APOLLO 11 (Hulu)

A fascinating look at the first moon landing from rarely seen archival footage and audio. Seeing it on the IMAX screen was intense and exhilarating, unlike narrative pictures like the severely overrated FIRST MAN. This isn’t my favorite documentary of the year, but it is an absolute lock to win the Academy Award for Best Doc of 2019. It’s a must see, a must experience.

30. HIGH LIFE (Amazon PRIME)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

French auteur Claire Denis’ bizarre, erotic sci-fi mindfuck about isolation and humanity is not for everyone, but is a brilliant take on the genre, and is yet another showcase for Robert Pattinson, who is quietly becoming one of my favorite working actors. Juliette Binoche also is on fire here and has what one critic calls “the single greatest one-person sex scene in the history of cinema.” So it has that going for it.

29. TRIPLE FRONTIER (Netflix)

A fully loaded heist film with no real bad guy, but instead a group of recognizable badasses in a Netflix-released action thrill ride. There’s absolutely no reason this should’ve worked, or even been half as good as it is, but boy is it good! Compulsively watchable, and rewatchable. If this were on Showtime as much as DEN OF THIEVES is I’d have seen it 30 times by now. It’s one of the most pleasant surprises of the year.

28. 1917 (Amazon)

An unbelievable visual achievement from cinematographer Roger Deakins and director Sam Mendes. The story isn’t the greatest war story ever told (are there great war stories?), but it’s shot to look like one continuous long take, sustained for 2hrs. It’s really an unbelievable feat, but doesn’t come off as gimmicky or distracting. It’s intense, beautifully staged, and sad. A big screen spectacle. 

27. TOY STORY 4 (Amazon)

Woody and the gang are back, and the films continue to keep the dust from collecting. It’s still so much fun to hang out with this group of misfit toys. There was talk that after the incredible TOY STORY 3 this was just a money grab and was labeled unnecessary, but I found it to be a sweet, charming, and nostalgic trip I was glad I took.

26. HONEYLAND (Hulu)

My pick for documentary of the year comes from the mountains of Macedonia, where a woman named Hatidze lives with her dying mother making a living cultivating honey. When a family of shitheads moves into a shanty next door, what seems like a fix for her lonely existence becomes catastrophic as they disregard her teachings and threaten her livelihood. I was an emotional wreck throughout the experience and it goes without saying it’s a must-see. Gorgeous and heartbreaking.

25. LITTLE WOMEN (Amazon)

I have never read the book, nor seen any of the film adaptations, so I went in blind to this lovely film. Director Greta Gerwig follows up the phenomenal LADYBIRD with this Altman-esque rendition of the widely beloved literary classic. I found it exceptional in its execution and performances, including the previously mentioned Florence Pugh, who is a knockout. A wonderful addition to the ever-growing stable of Christmas films I look to enjoy during future Decembers.

24. GREENER GRASS (Hulu)

It’s as if Tim & Eric made BLUE VELVET. Bizarre, outrageous, gross, and a guaranteed future midnight movie favorite. My sides hurt. A satire skewering upper-middle class suburban soccer moms and dads alike. Babies are given away. A boy turns into a dog. Everyone has braces. There’s a creep on the loose. It’s wild and flat-out hilarious literally from start to finish. Almost too many jokes to keep up with. Watch it! Bring weed. 

23. RELAXER (Amazon)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

Speaking of gross, this film is disgusting, but in a good way. A satire about lazy consumerism and self-destruction. It’s a short hang, thankfully, but if you can stomach it to the end (remember, it’s nasty) you’ll be rewarded with not only a hilarious dark comedy, but also an unexpected haymaker of sadness you didn’t see coming. It’s a pretty impressive feat, and an overall success. But, yeah, it’s fucking gross. 

22. AD ASTRA (Amazon)

APOCALYPSE NOW in space starring Brad Pitt. If you need more information than that, I don’t really know what else to do for you. 

21. SLUT IN A GOOD WAY (Amazon PRIME)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

A black-and-white raunchy French arthouse teen comedy that gives a middle finger to the double standard set by the equally raunchy teen-boys-will-be-boys genre. It’s so much fun, and honest, and the actors are such natural talents you forget the subject matter is at times shocking (only because of said double standard) and just go with it. I think it’s just wonderful. Seek it out!

20. US (HBO)

Jordan Peele’s excellent follow-up to GET OUT. Doppelganger home invasion terror with a killer twist. To describe more would be to risk giving something away. I’ll just say that Lupita Nyong’o is my pick to win her second Oscar, this time as Best Actress, here in a dual role. She’s incredible. If you haven’t seen it, try to go in blind, you’ll be rewarded.

19. THE FAREWELL (Amazon PRIME)

A heartfelt homecoming film about family, culture, and how the things we don’t say can be just as strong of a show of love as the things we do say. It’s sweet, tender, and bursting with personal flare and emotions from director Lulu Wang. Awkwafina also curbs her more manic and loud tendencies as a performer for more quiet, thoughtful, and somber choices. She’s phenomenal. 

18. KNIVES OUT (Amazon)

A clever ensemble whodunit that’s just as funny and smart as it is mysterious. Everyone across the board delivers as the assorted motley crew. The film rewards repeat viewings and Daniel Craig knocks it out of the park, stealing every scene he’s in, reminding us all what a fantastic actor he can be when he’s not sipping the Vespers. 

17. BOOKSMART (Hulu)

The female SUPERBAD is the elevator pitch, but this coming-of-age gem is really unlike any other example in the genre. They’re privileged, uber-smart, and have never partied. Yet they have the same neuroses as any other teen scared to death of what to do next or how to be normal. It’s also fucking hilarious. You wanna hang out with these girls and at the same time bury your head under the covers because you feel their pure terror/embarrassment. It’s a blast.

16. THE MUSTANG (Amazon)

Starring Matthias Schoenaerts, one of the finest actor’s working today, this understated and emotional drama about rehabilitation and redemption floored me upon first viewing. It is a gorgeous film. You’ve probably seen stories similar to this before, but rarely is one told with such compelling conviction. A borderline masterpiece. 

15. HONEY BOY (Amazon PRIME)

Remember a few years back we had the McConaissance, where everything Matthew McConaughey did was solid gold after years of middling bullshit? I’m calling it right now: Shia LaBeouf is about to have the same thing. He wrote the script and plays a version of his own father in a brutal version of his own fucked up childhood as an up-and-coming child actor. It’s heartbreaking and absolutely riveting. I’m hoping he gets an Oscar nod, but regardless I implore you to seek this film out, he’s incredible. 

14. MONOS (Hulu)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

A bizarre, bewildering, chaotic, and unsettling film. Some of the most beautiful photography I saw on the big screen this year, yet some of the most surreal and disturbing imagery as well. It’s a militarized, Latin American LORD OF THE FLIES with commentary on tribal behavior and violence. It can be a tough sit, but boy is it beautiful. 

13. DOLEMITE IS MY NAME (Netflix)

What a wonderful, welcome surprise! Eddie Murphy in an awards caliber performance as Rudy Ray Moore, the multi-hyphenate performer who created the alter ego Dolemite, spawning a film franchise and many legendary comedy albums. It’s obviously hilarious, and a great behind-the-scenes biopic, but also shockingly sweet and heartfelt, even between all the cuss words. I even teared up a couple times. The 3rd best thing Netflix released this year (more on that in a minute).

12. JOKER (Amazon)

You already saw this.

11. THE IRISHMAN (Netflix)

It’s far too long. It could’ve done with being cut as a three part miniseries or special. There’s about 45min worth of scenes that are quintessential DVD bonus features (I’m looking at you Action Bronson), but goddamn if it’s not Scorsese doing his Scorsese thing. It’s a gangster film, but it’s also a meditation on aging and death. Pesci is incredible and Pacino steals the show. Sure, the de-aging thing is distracting, the curb stomping scene is embarrassing. But still, I mean... IT’S MARTIN SCORSESE!

10. PAIN AND GLORY (Amazon)

Pedro Almodovar’s most personal work to date, a tale about making art and the loneliness of love. If you are unfamiliar with his work, this is a great jumping off point. His movies can be challenging and dark, but this film has such joy and hope amongst the heartache. The final reveal, while not earth shattering on paper, is nonetheless so moving it left the screening I attended without a dry eye in the place. It is his best film yet. 

9. THE LIGHTHOUSE (Amazon)

From the director of THE WITCH comes another type of gothic horror, this time with the legendary Willem Dafoe and the (already mentioned) brilliant Robert Pattinson marooned on a lighthouse rock alone to drive each other completely insane. It’s hallucinatory, violent, disorienting, and flat-out brilliant. If it weren’t for another guy we’ll get to in a minute, Dafoe would be a lock for Best Supporting Actor here. It’s a slightly challenging film, with the period style mariner dialogue, but it’s just as funny as it is terrifying.

8. JOJO RABBIT (Amazon)

A beautiful, touching, funny, crowd-pleasing comedy about a little Nazi whose imaginary friend is Hitler. Yep, your read that correctly. There are about a million reasons this should absolutely not work. Yet, it’s one of the best theater going experiences I had this year. A must see... ESPECIALLY with Mom!

7. MARRIAGE STORY (Netflix)

The best written and acted film of the year, and the third Adam Driver vehicle to appear here. Sad but honest. Touching but brutal. It’s awkward and a bit of a bummer, but there’s such great work being done here, in front of and behind the camera. Noah Baumbach is a force of nature, and has yet to make a film I was even iffy about. He’s the real deal and this might be his masterpiece. 

6. WAVES (Amazon)

Speaking of auteurs, Trey Edward Shults is now 3/3 on features after the brilliant KRISHA and IT COMES AT NIGHT. Here he follows a middle-class black family, led by a domineering father, through a tragic moment in all of their lives. The first half deals with the son’s story, then abruptly switches to the daughter’s life post said event. It shouldn’t work, yet somehow manages to be one of the most emotionally affecting pieces of art I saw this year. The camera never stops moving, constantly swirling and whirling and you can’t help to be sucked up into it. It’s a beautiful tragedy.

5. LONG SHOT (HBO)

The biggest and most pleasant surprise of the year. An opposites-attract rom-com with more brains, bite, social commentary, and laughs than it has any right to have. Easily the most fun you’ll have with (almost) the whole family... there’s a lot of cum jokes. But don’t let the vulgarity dissuade you! It’s a total riot with just the right amount of sweetness to balance out the saltiness. I love love love this movie.

4. THE ART OF SELF-DEFENSE (Hulu)

What starts as a strange, dark comedy morphs into a FIGHT CLUB-esque thriller with allusions to disturbingly toxic masculinity and an offbeat take on what it takes to “be a man.” It is laugh-out-loud hilarious, and expertly made, while really having something to say, and it says it in a way I’ve never really seen before. It’s not surprising this didn’t get more attention, the characters are truly difficult to relate to, let alone root for, but as far as originality goes, you’d be hard pressed to find anything this year much better than this. 

3. UNCUT GEMS (Amazon)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

The cinematic equivalent of being locked in the brain of a lunatic having a cocaine-fueled anxiety attack. If that sounds like fun (AND IT IS!!!) then this is the film for you! Oh, and Adam Sandler is going to be nominated for an Oscar for Best Actor. For real. It’s a chaotic, stress-filled masterpiece.

2. ONCE UPON A TIME... IN HOLLYWOOD (Amazon)

My favorite filmmaker’s 2nd best film. A personal story about the love of film during the late 60s, a time of dirty hippies and Charles Manson, as well as the passing of the torch from old Hollywood to the “golden age” of cinema. It’s a fairytale of sorts, with Tarantino’s trademark flare for spontaneous violence and mining multiple genres to make his most mature work since PULP FICTION. I’ve been rewarded with new takeaways upon each subsequent viewing, and my love and appreciation for it only grows and grows. Brad Pitt is a lock for Best Supporting Actor, he’s magnificent. It was always going to be my #1 with a bullet no matter what, because it’s just that great...

1. PARASITE (Amazon)

...but then Bong Joon-ho, the master of new Korean cinema unleashed PARASITE. Not only is it the best film of 2019, it’s one of the best films I have ever seen. Like EVER ever. He is in such astonishing control of his craft it’s hard not to sit back and marvel and the sheer skill on display. You can be laughing one moment and then recoiling in horror during the same breath. He’s using multiple genre tropes, incredible set design, pitch perfect acting/writing, and such exquisite planning you can’t possibly know what’s in store for you from one scene to the next. It is an absolute masterpiece and if it doesn’t sweep every category it’s nominated for at this year’s Oscars, it’ll be a travesty. If you have even a passing interest in film as an art form, the power it can wield, and the messages it can convey, you owe it to yourself to see this film. It’s perfect.

Well, there it is. Thanks for reading any part of this. Now go see PARASITE. I love you.

[thecreatiivecorner]

I Feel the Same Way (1/2)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader (at first) Bucky Barnes x Reader (eventually)

Summary: He just wanted her to be happy. If that meant she was with Steve, then so be it. Warnings: Uhhh... being stood up? Steve being an ass! 

Words: 2.2K

A/N: This is my first fanfic... EVER!!!! I’m so excited to share it! Don’t get me wrong, I love Steve but sometimes he’s just painted too perfectly. There will definitely be a part 2. Possibly more.

“I’m staying! End of story. I’ll be at the bar right across the street.” Bucky insists as he helps her off his bike. “If I don’t hear from you within a few hours, then I’ll know things went fine.

“Buck, he’s your best friend. You don’t trust him?” She hands him the helmet and fixes her hair. Bucky fakes a cough when he catches himself admiring her. “Do I look okay?” He lets his eyes run over her. Her dark hair is pinned up. Strands stick out out here and there, perfectly framing her face. She wears a short strapless lace dress with bell sleeves. The powder pink shade accents her tanned skin and the strappy beige wedges make her nearly as tall as he was.

“You’re beautiful.” He mutters, barely audible. She pretends she doesn’t hear him as she glances into the tiny mirror on the bike, although she can’t hide the blush that rises to her cheeks. “You look fine and it’s not that I don’t trust him. There’s just no way I’m leaving you. Don’t matter who you’re with.” She straightens up and smiles at him. “Besides, if something happened to you, who would sit around for hours on Saturdays eating rocky road ice cream and watching old westerns with me?”

“Steve probably would.” She retorts.

“Correction. Who would do all that and actually enjoy it?” She giggles and playfully shoves his shoulder, leaving Bucky with a goofy grin on his face which he quickly tries to hide. “You should go. I will be right over there if you need me.” Bucky gently pushes her along, pointing across the street.

“I won’t!” She shouts as she strolls off toward the fancy restaurant.

“Yea. I know.” Bucky mumbles to himself as he watches her walk away. He waits until she’s enters the restaurant then waits a little more. Reluctantly he hangs her helmet on the handle bar and makes his way to the bar.

---

Watching people has always been something Bucky enjoyed and hated at the same time. He finds people interesting, even entertaining at times but they can also be so annoying. Like the two knuckleheads sitting across the bar from him. Drunk off their rockers, they have managed to insult every single woman in the place with distasteful pick up lines and disgusting manners. Bucky almost finds it impressive how they managed it when the place was pretty busy. A few women have approached him but he politely declines every time.

It has been two hours since Bucky dropped his best friend off to go have dinner with his other best friend. It gave him plenty of time to kick himself for how stupid that was and drown his sorrows in club soda. Normally he’d choose something a little harder and just walk home but he couldn’t leave her stranded, should something go wrong.

Looking at his watch for the millionth time that night, he decides he should head home. He’s torn between feeling relieved and disappointed. All he wants is for her to be happy and if that is with his best friend then so be it… at least that’s what he tries to tell himself. Sliding off the bar stool, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet, throwing a twenty on the counter. He grabs his worn leather jacket and pulls it on. Just as he turns to head for the door, he’s stopped dead.

“Bucky.” Her sobs make his name barely audible. Her cheeks are stained with black streaks running down them. In a split second, Bucky has his arms wrapped around her, pulling her tightly into his chest. He catches the eyes of a few patrons in the bar, some wear concerned, pitiful expressions while others have mocking, snickering grins plastered on their faces. He wouldn’t normally care much what people thought of him but he knows she doesn’t need the scrutiny. Reluctantly he pulls away to escort her out of the bar, shooting a few death stares at some of the more childish people.

Once outside, Bucky guides her to a nearby bench. She sits and he kneels in front of her.

“Doll, what happened?” He swiftly shrugs his jacket off his shoulders to wrap around her. She snuggles into it, pulling it around her body.

“He… He never showed.” If he didn’t have super soldier hearing, it would have been hard to make out her words through her sniffles.

“What? Doll, it’s been two hours.”

“I wanted to… to give him a chance. You know, maybe he… maybe he got caught up or was running late.”

“I’m gonna kill him.” Bucky mutters under his breath. “Did you try texting him? Calling?”

“Yea. Here.” She hands Bucky her phone before sobbing into her hands. Bucky looks through the texts, growing more and more furious as he goes.

Today 7:56 PM

Me: Hey. I’m at the restaurant. Take your time. I’ll get us a table.

Today 8:12 PM

Me: You know, I was kidding when I said take your time.

Today 8:27 PM

Me: Are you ok? I’m starting to worry. Please text me back!

Today 9:21 PM

Me: I’m really worried, Steve! Why aren’t you answering me?

Today 9:45 PM

Me: Steve, please answer the phone! I can see you’re reading my texts!

Today 9:48 PM

Steve: Stop texting him, you stupid bitch! We’re a little busy right now!

In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to hold the phone in his left hand. Pieces of glass and plastic crumble between his metal fingers. He looks up to see this beautiful creature before him, completely distraught and he wonders how someone could treat her that way.

“C’mon Doll, let’s go home.” Bucky stands and pulls her with him. When they reach his bike on the other side of the road, he hands her the helmet but she freezes. He steps in front of her, putting his hands on her arms trying to comfort her.

“Bucky.” She sobs. “I don’t want to go home.”

“Doll. There ain’t no way in hell, I’m leaving you alone tonight.”

Once on the bike, Bucky revs the engine. The tires squeal, sending smoke rolling into the air. They speed away leaving a dingy fog behind.

----

The bike rumbles to a stop outside Bucky’s apartment. He helps her off and guides her inside. The cool air dried her tears for the time being. Bucky searches for the key when they reach his door, realizing it’s in his jacket pocket. The one she’s currently wearing. He reaches down, feeling both pockets for the keys.

“Sorry, Doll.” He reaches into one pocket as she does the same. She lets her hand linger on his and glances up at him. For a moment, he gets lost in her eyes. Even when they are swollen and red from her tears, they are still the most beautiful things he’s ever seen. Quickly he snaps out of his daze, pulling the keys from the pocket, and away from her hand. Immediately, he feels the loss of contact like something is burning his skin. He ignores it though, quickly unlocking and opening the door. He holds his arm out for her to enter first, closing the door and locking it behind himself as he follows her. She slumps down on the couch, relinquishing his jacket in favor of a large fluffy blanket.

“Do you want some water?” Bucky calls from the kitchen.

“No, thank you” she calls back. “Maybe something stronger.” she mutters, only loud enough for a super soldier to hear.

Bucky appears in the living room, placing a glass of water on the coffee table and sitting next to her on the couch.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Doll” He shoots her a pointed smirk to which she rolls her eyes and huffs. He smiles a little bigger, happy he was able to make her forget her pain even just for a second. “You can take the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Bucky.” She shakes her head. “You don’t have to. I’ve crashed on this couch plenty of times. I’m okay here.”

“I know you are. You’re still taking the bed.” He stands and holds out his hand to help her up. “C’mon. You need to rest.” She sets her hand in his, allowing him to pull her up. Bucky grabs the glass of water and guides her to the bedroom.

The mattress creaks with her weight as she begins to fiddle with the straps of her shoes. Bucky sets the glass on the bedside table then goes to his dresser, pulling out one of his old shirts and a pair sweatpants. He freezes when he hears faint sobs coming from behind him. Instantly, he spins around to see her hunched up in the fetal position, one shoe half undone the other untouched. Bucky is by her side in a heartbeat.

“Doll. It’s okay. Please don’t cry. He’s not worth it.” He sits next to her on the bed, pulling her into him and wrapping his arms around her. She does the same, burying her face in his chest.

“Why? Why would he do that to me?” She sobs.

“I don’t know… but I promise, I’m going to kick his ass for it. If I don’t kill him first.” She pulls away to look up at him.

“Bucky, don’t say that. He’s your best friend.”

“But he hurt you. The one thing I told him never to…” Bucky stops, exhaling deeply. “How can you defend him anyway?”

“I don’t want to come between you two. You’re my best friend Buck, but you and Steve… You guys are brothers. What kind of person would that make me if I ruined that?”

“This isn’t your fault, Doll.” Bucky pulls her into his chest again, but only so she couldn’t see the anger flooding his face. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Why else would he do this? We’ve only been on a few dates but I thought… I don’t know I thought we had something. I’m so stupid.” Bucky pulls her away to look into her eyes.

“You are not stupid. Don’t you dare say that. He’s the one who’s stupid for not seeing how lucky he was.” His hands are on her arms as his eyes meet hers. Once again he gets lost in them. His breath hitches when she blinks tears out of her eyes and bites her lip.

“You’re just saying that.” She mutters shyly, looking down at her hands in her lap.

“No. Doll. You’re perfect.” Her eyes snap back to his. She searches them for any sign of lies or mistrust but all she sees is admiration and honesty. Without realizing, they had moved closer to each other. She tilts her head up until her lips are just hovering over his. He feels her breath mix with his. His eyes flutter closed along with hers. His hands move to her back, pulling her even closer, until he stops. He pulls away just barely but enough for her to open her eyes. His heart stings to see the pain in her eyes.

“I can’t. I won’t take advantage of you like this.” He pulls back even more, grabbing the clothes he had tossed onto the bed when he heard her cries. “You should get to sleep.” He hands her the garments, sliding off the bed to kneel in front of her. He grabs one of her feet, easily unlatching the straps of her shoe and sliding it off. He does the same to the other shoe while managing to avoid eye contact. When he stands, she grabs his hand before he can turn and walk away.

“I know what I want, Bucky. It’s taken me awhile to admit it but I know now.” She looks up at him through her tear soaked lashes. Reluctantly, he forces himself to look back at her.

“If you still feel that way in the morning, then we can talk. For now, just get some rest.” He pulls his hand from her grasp and walks to the door. He stops in the doorway like he wants to turn back but doesn’t.

“Bucky. Just tell me how you feel.” Bucky doesn’t turn around.

“I feel the same way.” Without looking back, he pulls the door closed behind him.

He sits on the couch, tense and antsy. His eyes are glued to the bedroom door, waiting for something. What, he’s not sure of. He listens intently to her movements. She enters the bathroom. The water runs for a moment then she leaves the bathroom. She moves to the dresser, pulling out a drawer and sliding it back in then again to another drawer. Then he hears her footsteps approach the door. His heart races with anticipation. He’s not sure what he hopes to happen. There’s a brief pause before the light goes out and she makes her way back to the bed. He hears the mattress creak and the comforter shuffle. Silence. Then the comforter shuffles again. Silence. And again. She’s restless. Bucky has to fight the urge to go in there and comfort her; to lay with her until she falls asleep.

Eventually the shuffling stops and now Bucky has to fight another urge. The one that’s telling him to go find his best friend and strangle him until he pleads for his life then do the same to the whore he’s with. It would be hard for him to choose who goes first.

Tags: @wonderlandmind4

[resconarchive]

prinxess's rescreatu rant

Hey all (+Riyo), it's prinxess. I found this blog today, which naturally means I spent the next 5 hours flipping through the archive lol. This was supposed to be a short post but plans never go as expected (Warning: this is LONG). If you know me, you’ve probably seen me try to talk about this stuff in the SB—which rarely goes well, haha. I’m going to word vomit on three main things: Res’s “first come, first serve” issue, Staff/ShoutBox Culture, and my own mistakes.

This isn’t Voice of God. I’m just a flawed 20-year-old who feels compelled articulate her thoughts at least once somewhere.

I accept responsibility for what’s written below.

1. Early Birds Get the Worm

Nice names are Res’s lifeblood. The aim of the game is to accumulate as many as you can. It didn't start out that way but that’s what it's become; it's human nature to want what your peers want. We enjoy having valuable things—the proof is in the pixels. But LOL good names are now worth 1B tu? This is why people are so upset with the site. If you made an account in 2006, quickly hatched three creatu named Diamond, Emerald, and Sapphire, and didn't log in again until now, your account would be worth more than someone who joined a year ago but has put in hundreds of hours into the site.

1B is pretty abstract, so I'll offer a cold splash of in-game reality. 700M = $100

Many of Rescreatu’s issues writhe around one malignant crux: its “first come, first serve” groundwork. Meaning, if your account isn’t old enough to be sent off to grade school, then you are out of luck. With everything. If you weren’t there when you could fish tier-1 names from the Atquateen Forest, if you weren’t there during the mass graveyard purges, if you weren’t smart enough to buy valuable names en masse for cheap from naive tweens 8 years ago, you’re out of luck. Unless Mr. Moneybags disembowels him/herself into your hands, you will never measure up to the sheer wealth of a select few old users (Gunmetal, Fleur, etc).

The visible wealth disparity is unreal. It’s kind of cute—there’s this ritual where when a newbie appears in the SB, older users flood them with tu and lovely creatu because they know baby bambi can’t make it on their own in modern Res. But what about the invisible users? The 99% who never set foot in the SB? Imagine you’re twelve, creating an account for the first time. You’re given XYZtu (aka not enough) to start off with. Hatching pets is fun. You like finding clothes for your avatar in the trash. A while later, you become interested in buying more creatu, so you fiddle around with the Creatu Search. And... you realize that the only good rwns are in the 20M+ range.

Actually no—a few weeks ago, a user called prinxess went through the entire directory, cleaned out most lower-priced RWNs, and stuck them in her shop at mark-up. But hey, she left “Blisters” and “Introspective” for you.

There’s nothing to do on Rescreatu except lord your cool names over other users. Nothing else... except... wait. Isn’t the Kir Quest about colors, not names? Which brings me to my next point. Years ago, blondes were worth 700k, and albinos 3M. Players back then threw these cheap creatu at Kir and rode the Uldavian Express to higher Rounds at mach speed (there are 5 Rounds now. each need an additional 120 creatu/points to access). Nowadays, albinos are no longer stocked in ranchers—period. I’m talking chimbies and meragons, not even seasonals. To use myself as an example, I restarted Kir a month ago (I was only at 25 points, Round 1). I’ll be the first to admit I wasn’t being 100% efficient with my tu, but within a few days, I managed to add an additional 23 creatu to that number. At the cost of nearly one billion tu. 95% of which went towards beans.

If you’re a newbie with a dream of earning a Cyancu Nest, you need to give Kir 180 creatu total. That isn’t just hard—it’s straight-up impossible. From a cost/benefit standpoint, if you do not already have a substantial amount of Kir points, do not touch the Quest. Instead, buy the prize shop items from other users.

Because, let’s do some math. 180 (creatu) x 7,800,000 (price per bean) = 1,404,000,000tu.

I swear on every god out there that, overall, you will not just be spending 7.8M per creatu.

Cyancu eggs are selling for 500M each/1.5B for a nest, pretty close to that mythical 1,404,000,000 number. Just buy the egg.

A staff member once told me, “The Kir Quest is supposed to be hard.” Fair enough. The original purpose of the Quest was to fix Res’s overpopulation problem. Make higher colors valuable again. But now we’ve swung hard towards creatu extinction. The fix is relatively simple. Have Kir ask for blondes/albinos less often. Or increase the likelihood of hatching colors. Should be a simple coding tweak.

Side-note: With beans having become an integral part of Rescreatu’s ONLY real continuous Quest, why are they still cash shop items? People love to tout “but the site needs money to run”. How about put out a better product instead of squeezing users with Stockholm Syndrome/a gambling addiction out of more pennies? Actually, not pennies, it’s serious cash. The next promo is $100 for 3 retired CS eggs—a promo which was supposed to be in December, but moved because the higher ups thought users would be too strapped for cash during Christmas.

2. Staff/Culture

Hopelessness makes the newer users leave. Staff corruption poisons the rest. I’m not involved in current Rescreatu politics, but in the past it absolutely was a thing. Even with generally loved and respected staff members.

 I don’t want to disclose too much information, but since I’m old and weary, I’ll say that (without asking for it) a substantial boon was thrown my way because I was friendly with a member of staff. They are still highly regarded within the community.

14BM was unabashedly shady. One day, I announced I was selling a name on the SB and got in touch with a buyer. During our back-and-forth rmailing, 14BM rmailed me to say one of us had “accidentally hit the report button” which pointed her to our conversation. She warned me the other user was ripping me off, and that she could give me a better offer. Not very professional behavior, in my honest opinion.

Way back when, BillyBob was abusing glitches.

A name appeared in anon-staff’s Showroom one hot second after the person it belonged to was banned for “using a bot to find eggs.” Anon-staff had previously asked if they’d ever sell the name and they had said no. Shady.

Real talk. A staff member told me they don’t even care if you use bots, just as long as you don’t find enough seasonal eggs to ruin the market. I think anything above 40 is considered suspicious. Nevermind if you actually have no life and want to search for eggs for 48 hours straight.

There were way more corruption incidents, but those were so long ago I barely remember them. As for current staff, I can’t speak for them. Honestly, I can’t tell who most people are anymore because of all the username switching lol. There’s this ridiculous implicit rule of “don’t ask what someone’s username used to be” around Res. Like hello? That makes no sense. Not only do they retain their unique pets, but really, if someone hated you, a simple change of username isn’t going to make them suddenly forget who you are. Similarly, the whole idea of a new username being “a new start” for the user is frankly hilarious. Especially when you act no different.

That’s unfortunately just the start of my issue with Res’s “nice” culture. I’ll call it by another name: suck-up culture. It’s this omnipresent force of saccharine sweetness that’s nearly alive from how many people are hooked up into it. Plenty of users are genuinely nice, I won’t knock that. But damn, when a staff member/older user/wealthbag comes on the SB? It’s a vicious competition to prove how close they are are with that member. Immediately, there are “glomps” and “huggles” and “we’re married!/best friends” as if they actually give a shit about the other person. You do not. I know you do not. Everyone knows you do not. You’re just trying to get free things—and hey, it’s not a bad move, since those users are generally the gifting type. Oh. The cringiest thing is when a fan gives a popular user a cheap present, so the popular user will feel obliged to give them something in return—hopefully a better something. Machiavelli must be rolling in his grave.

This sugary behavior has somehow infected staff as well. I find it doubly disgusting because I can’t even call them out on it.

“<3 oh sweetheart, just so you know, what you’re doing is called spam. [link to rules] please take a look!! :333 ^_^”

“ *pops in* haiiiii guys, sorry to bump in but could you please take this convo to rmail? :3 *hugs* squeeeee <333 *hopes you dont hate me* ”

Like, fucking Christ. I can feel their phantom arms around me in my sleep. Can anyone speak normally anymore? Does everything need to be qualified with butterflies, sunshine, and overtures of love?

Back to the subject of staff... that issue is multifaceted. First, it’s a weirdly cyclical thing. Notice how newly chosen staff are almost always friends with current staff? I don’t believe I’ve ever seen some anon that’s never visited the SB become staff purely on merit (save for artists/programmers). But I could be wrong. Anyway, users inducted into staff are usually already one of Res’s wealthy elite. I can only speak for the trend I’ve noticed over the years, but A LOT of people become staff as a status symbol. Some also do it because they’re invested in the site and want to make it better. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. You can want to help while liking the boost in popularity at the same time. The real issue with staff is how they are compensated. Getting paid in credits (cash points?) actively increases the wealth disparity in the site. There’s a difference between giving someone 100 dollars versus a handful of credits. If someone handed you a hundred dollars, would you use it for rent or on some virtual name tags? Without this choice, staff are essentially forced into one course of action: buy credit shop items, put these items in their merchant shop, sell them to users, rake in tu. Or just sell cp for tu.

Rescreatu doesn’t use their staff properly. I’m referring to writers and artists. There are hundreds of wearable items available, but dressing up an avatar to look forum-fancy isn’t the purpose of a pet site. It’s a nice feature. But I didn’t join Rescreatu so I could play dress-up, I joined for the pets, for the battle arena, for the story of it all. Writers, I feel, are the most wasted of all. Does anyone actually read the stories in the books? Does anyone buy books, even? Res should take their talent and invest in proper story lines. They have six writers right now. Come on. Put up a good kidnapping site-wide story involving Xoria and Loyna. Get a competition between Scria users and Reiflem users going. Maybe the story could be Quest-style, with the users voting on how the story moves with their tu. Do something!

...Because this site also needs a tu sink. Desperately. Contrary to popular belief, the Kir Quest isn’t a tu sink, it vacuums money up to the top dogs of Rescreatu. You buy 10 beans—where are you getting these beans? More than likely, it’s from a staff member selling 70 of them in their shop. IRL right now there are 4 users selling beans: Feather x34, Isolation x30, Umbreon420 x1, Phos x36. Nothing against these users—in fact, I like them, but do you notice a trend? What do staff do with all this tu? They buy names at premium prices because they can afford to.

Q: Wait, prinx. If you just paid real money, you could have lots of tu too! A: My honor code forbids me from validating freemium games

Q: But, prinx. Why don’t you just become staff?  A: I tried when I was 13 but they didn’t accept me ): Probably for good reason.

It’s shocking that the stock market hasn’t been removed/tweaked yet. It shouldn’t be possible to buy 50,000 stocks of FAS for 400k on Sunday, and sell that for 20M one week later. This is another reason why names are considered the real currency on Rescreatu. Their value increases along with the inflation. It’s the only safe investment you can make.

3. Me

So, my long-winded rant is out of the way. Above, I mentioned I’d like to apologize for myself, so here I go. For context, these past few months I’ve been trying to get rid of my RWNs through forum auctions. In the latest thread, I stuck in an umbrella clause basically saying that I reserved the right to pull whatever bullshit I wanted, which I used, without warning, to tack 1.2B Autobuy options to the names. Half my reason was I was being egged on by a friend to do it. Half was because I just didn’t care. Never in my wildest dreams did I even imagine one person would actually go for it, let alone 3. When I opened the thread the morning after, I felt dread. My actions understandably upset quite a few people. I acknowledge that what I did was unprofessional. I regret it, and I’ve learned a valuable lesson.

In general, I’ve spent my recent years on Rescreatu being rude and abrasive. Trying to tie 14 year old staff in logic knots, picking at overly sensitive members, engaging trolls, the works. I’ve been throwing angsty melodrama around like glow-sticks at an EDM concert, and it isn’t fair to the newer members who have no memory of Res’s past.

This post clocks in at 2.5k words. The only reason I’ve written so much is because Rescreatu means/meant so much to me. For all its faults, Res somehow just works. Maybe because it encourages addictive behavior. Maybe because of the community. Whatever it is, it’s helped the site escape multiple waves of peril that would’ve killed any other. For that it deserves some applause. 

If you want to contact me, rmail me or email me at blu.moon.dragon@gmail.com. I don't bite

Peace.

[josiesjournal]

01/05/2020 - 22:58

The start of 2020 has been both eventful and painful thus far for many different reasons, but if anything, I know it’s the universe showing me that good things are coming.

New Year’s Eve itself was amazing to say the least. Keelan and I spent most of the night at his parents’ house playing card games, until about 11:45 - you could kinda tell from the look on everyone’s faces that it was well past bedtime, but me, wanting to bring out my inner party animal because it’s all I’ve known how to do the past couple New Years, I decided to take one of my marijuana gummies just before we were leaving; I had this epiphany right before we got in the car and I whispered in Keelan’s ear ‘I want to go for a drive with you.’

He was willing, but curious. ‘Okay, where do you want to go?’

‘The clock tower.’

At this point in time, the drugs have fully taken over and I’m high as a kite, but Keelan listens to me and drives downtown to park in front of the clock tower. As we’re getting out of the car, the clock is playing a tune before it strikes midnight, but not it’s normal song that you would hear throughout the day - I’m not sure if it was playing the song to welcome the new year or the new decade, but with the snow blowing around us as I stared up at the clock tower, it was one of the most magical experiences I’ve ever had, and the most magical New Year’s kiss for sure too.

A few days later, I’m at work and I’m doing a renewal for a client’s policy. I recognize the name and remember that this guy’s wife has a Mini Cooper - didn’t think anything of it at first until I realized that the Mini’s plates had been cancelled, with new plates on a 2019 Volkswagen. At this point in time, I’m too excited to handle anything, and had to wait until I was done my full time job and part time job on top of that in order to take a drive by this Mini. On my local Volkswagen dealership’s ad, it mentions that it’s red (even though they have basic google search pictures of a dark blue one) and an automatic, which really got me down at first but hey, it’s a Mini. I have to do a drive by anyways, why not? I find this car in the far corner of VW’s second lot, and I’m mystified by this thing as I’m getting out of my car. 2016 Mini Cooper with a white panoramic roof, and.. what’s this? 6 speed manual? At this point in time, I’m convinced that I have to at least test drive this thing - I don’t necessarily have to buy it, but I have to drive it. Why not take it for a few donuts in a parking lot in the snow, just to see how it handles in the winter?

The next day (Friday) I call VW and book the test drive for this car for about noon on Saturday, without telling them I had plans to take it home for the weekend to show Keelan, considering he’s never seen a Mini up close before, let alone been in a Mini at all. Saturday sounds great - it’s my day off and I don’t have anything else planned other than laundry and gym, both of which can wait. Mini tales full priority right now.

But when your manager at your part time job calls you on Saturday and offers an extra 7 hour shift that would cut in on your Mini test drive - can you really say no? I agree to work the shift and call VW to cancel my test drive, guy agrees with me says we’ll see how next Friday looks, provided the Mini is still there. I get to work, and I had woken up with pain in my back earlier in the morning, which was concerning to me since I already had a bladder infection - untreated and not officially diagnosed, but after some quick internet research, I was at least 98% sure. As I work my shift, the pain in my back starts radiating up to the front left side of my abdomen and is practically unbearable at the point where my second coworker shows up, and my managers offers to let me go home as soon as she’s had her lunch break. I’m a little reluctant, as I hate to be a pain in her ass by doing that, and I’d also hate to miss out on making extra money, but I caved pretty easily and agreed to go home.

As I’m leaving the mall with a new bottle of Advil and some snacks for me to have at home, a truck with some familiar decals catches my eye as I’m leaving, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s a CP truck. Mild war flashbacks, but I’ve already convinced myself it isn’t him. So I’m walking alongside this truck on the sidewalk, it stops to let people cross and I decide to cross safely behind the truck to get to my own car. The truck goes to the lot over from mine, and as I’m struggling to get in my car with how stupid the remote start is for locking me out then shutting my vehicle off as soon as I open the door, I decide to just take a glance. Just a glance. It’ll be fine.

Welp, wouldn’t you know it folks, it was not fine.

It’s him.

I immediately look away and start fumbling with my keys, desperate to get in my car at this point in time. I’m so ready to get out of this parking lot. I manage to get into my car just as he parks the truck, and as he’s walking across the other parking lot, I’m backing out of my parking space and I’m fucking gone. I stop in a different parking lot briefly to dial Megan’s number, but I’m shaking so bad that I can hardly type it out. For that being the first time I had actually seen my ex since we broke up, I felt.. angry. Even just looking at the man was frustrating and left this feeling in my chest that I couldn’t even describe. I thought about what our interaction would’ve been like if he had seen me working in the mall, at the place where he usually gets his t-shirts, and I was so thankful to have dodged that bullet.

So I have Megan on the phone at this point, because who else do you call when you have all these thoughts running through your head after seeing your ex for the first time since your breakup in July? I take her on wonderful adventures with me to my own house to pack clothes so that I can spend the night at Keelan’s, and I take her on my drive all the way to Kimberley. Our conversation ended once I got there, and my pain had subsided since leaving my part time job, but now that I was at Keelan’s house, my pain was a 100x worse. Keelan came home from work not even 5 minutes after I had gotten there, and I had been keeping him up to date on the whole situation so once he got there and saw me writhing and crying on the couch in pain, he convinced me it was time to go to the hospital. Gave me two extra strength tylonel and popped me in the car to go to town.

As we’re driving there, my pain starts to subside again. We go sit down to eat, since my pain is practically non-existent at this point, and end up going to Home Depot to look at bath faucets, which we had been talking about for a while now. All of that and my pain still wasn’t evident, so we went back to my place for a bit, because I knew that the pain would come back eventually, and when it did, I’d be ready and willing to go to the hospital at that point. We ended up having a nap that was maybe only 30mins long, and I wake up to the same pain, plus nausea on top of it now. Off to the hospital we go.

As I’m standing in the ER line waiting to be seen, I can hardly stand and I’m ready to puke. Keelan’s there being the strong supportive pillar he is, and for actually having someone here for the first time for my 4th hospital trip in 5 months, I’m so happy he’s here. Within 10mins, the nurse brings me in and writes down everything I’ve been feeling and experiencing, then sends me away to collect my own urine sample, which I knew they were going to do at some point, but despite that, I had just emptied my bladder before we had left the house. Side note - do you know how hard it is to pee when it hurts every single time, and when you’re fighting back the urge to vomit, on top of more pain?

I bring back the urine sample and get registered at the front desk, wrist tag and all. Keelan and I sit down in the waiting room, which is the busiest I’ve seen it in my last couple trips. Give it maybe an hour or two and my name is called to go into the ER, and within 15 minutes of sitting down on a hospital bed, there’s a doctor in my room explaining how he’s going to write me a prescription for antibiotics for my bladder infection, which is all fine and dandy, but he mentions nothing of the pain I’m feeling. Maybe the nurse hadn’t noted it, which is understandable, but it’s also the whole reason why I’m here, so I pipe up and say something and he tries telling me that my pain is the pain associated with my bladder infection, which I know is very evidently not. He then tells me it’s probably some unrelated constipation and writes me a second prespcrition for laxatives. Great. I leave the ER to go to the pharmacy in the hospital, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s nearly 10pm, so this pharmacy, along with every single one in the city, is closed, which means I get to suffer through my pain for a solid 12 more hours. Double great. We go home to Kimberley and go to bed relatively late, but I’m up at least three times throughout the night, tossing and turning with this pain, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, which is nearly impossible at this point. I’ve got Keelan awake by 8:30am, which is when I’m ready to go get my prescriptions, but quickly found out that the only pharmacy in Kimberley is closed until 11am, so back into Cranbrook we go. I pick up my prescriptions, and the liquid inside the bottle, which is apparently my laxative, is daunting, but once I get home and actually take it, it tastes surprisingly good. I’m thinking ‘okay, this should hit me in about two or three hours and then I’ll be good to go’ but little do I know, laxative takes at least 48 hours to actually starting working. Triple great.

Best news of the day was that I got a couple of snuggles in with Mew during nap time; something about female cats with females, I swear she always knows when I’m feeling down.

Bottom line, there’s been some shitty starts to 2020 for sure (no pun intended..) but there’s always potential for things to start looking up, and lately, I’ve had Keelan to thank for his amazing positive attitude keeping me afloat. The man’s willingness to take care of me was like nothing I’ve ever seen in a partner before and I don’t know how to express how thankful I am for him and everything he does, despite telling him over and over and over and over the past couple days. Every day I find something new about Keelan that makes me fall in love with him a little bit more, and despite feeling like I know him like the back of my hand, he always has something else up his sleeve to surprise me with.

So here’s to you, my love, and our fresh start to 2020. I truly wouldn’t want anyone else by my side to start the new year and the new decade with.

[hueman-blog]

Answering Personal Questions

I made a user I follow, @razzledazzlefoshazzle , answer all of these on his blog. I’m feeling guilty so I’m gonna do it too. I know none of you asked but HERE GOES MY PERSONAL INFO!!!

200: My crush’s name is: Averi 
199: I was born in: Place? Lancaster, PA, USA. Year? 1999 
198: I am really: Bored and unmotivated 
197: My cellphone company is: Apple 
196: My eye color is: Brown 
195: My shoe size is: 8-9 Women’s US 
194: My ring size is: Idk, something little 
193: My height is: 5'4" I’m little 
192: I am allergic to: Stupid people 
191: My 1st car was: Never had one 
190: My 1st job was: Cashier at California Tortilla (a fast food Mexican franchise around D.C.) 
189: Last book you read: Cradle and All 188: My bed is: My safest place, my true home, and also too empty 
187: My pet: Doesn’t do much 
186: My best friend: Is my girlfriend 
185: My favorite shampoo is: Shamu 
184: Xbox or ps3: Deck of cards 
183: Piggy banks are: Cute decoration, inefficient coin collector 
182: In my pockets: I’m in pajamas 
181: On my calendar: Work, as that’s the only thing in my life scheduled. Also a haircut within a few days 
180: Marriage is: Great for legal benefits, stupid for expensive ceremonies 
179: Spongebob can: Please end soon it turned idiotic long ago 
178: My mom: Is abusive (sorry to bring the mood down) 
177: The last three songs I bought were? Who buys songs anymore?? 
176: Last YouTube video watched: History of the World 
175: How many cousins do you have? On my dad’s side, 8. On my mom’s side, no idea 
174: Do you have any siblings? An older brother 
173: Are your parents divorced? Nope 
172: Are you taller than your mom? Probably not 
171: Do you play an instrument? Nope 
170: What did you do yesterday? Absolutely nothing just like every day

[ I Believe In ] 
169: Love at first sight: Nope 
168: Luck: Yes 
167: Fate: Nope 
166: Yourself: Not really 
165: Aliens: Yeah there’s gotta be some life out there 
164: Heaven: No 
163: Hell: No 
162: God: The Flying Spaghetti Monster? Hell yes. Be boiled for your sins 
161: Horoscopes: Nope and frankly if you do I find you uneducated 
160: Soul mates: No 
159: Ghosts: Nah 
158: Gay Marriage: Believing??? In love,??? And commitment??????? Between two people???????? Obviously! 
157: War: Never 
156: Orbs: I believe in Orbeez 
155: Magic: No it’s just science we can’t explain, or illusions we can’t see the entirety of

[ This or That ] 
154: Hugs or Kisses: Kisses 
153: Drunk or High: Music 
152: Phone or Online: Online on my phone 
151: Red heads or Black haired: Black haired 
150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes 
149: Hot or cold: Hot 
148: Summer or winter: Summer 
147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn 
146: Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate 
145: Night or Day: Night 
144: Oranges or Apples: Apples 
143: Curly or Straight hair: Straight 
142: McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds 
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk Chocolate 
140: Mac or PC: Mac!! 
139: Flip flops or high heels: Flip Flops 
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and sweet are opposites now?? I guess sweet and poor 
137: Coke or Pepsi: Fruit Punch 
136: Hillary or Obama: Obama 
135: Burried or cremated: Cremated 
134: Singing or Dancing: Singing 
133: Coach or Chanel: Money to spend on actual useful things 
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Who??? 
131: Small town or Big city: Big City 
130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target 
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Both suck, but I’d choose Stiller 
128: Manicure or Pedicure: Manicure. My feet are too ticklish 
127: East Coast or West Coast: West Coast USA 
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas, I don’t like being the center of attention 
125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate 
124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney 
123: Yankees or Red Sox: What is a sport? How do??

[ Here’s What I Think About ] 
122: War: What is it good for? Absolutely nothing 
121: George Bush: “Mr. President, what are your thoughts on Katrina?” “We’re gonna find her. And we’re gonna bring her to justice.“ 
120: Gay Marriage: Its a marriage between two people in love. Celebrate, but don’t go broke in one day 
119: The presidential election: Media and rich people control it basically, and I’d rather it be an actual democratic popular vote. Trump is a clown and should have never won 
118: Abortion: Its a woman’s right to choose. Personally I think the world is overpopulated anyway and more people should adopt rather than try to conceive 
117: MySpace: Never had one 
116: Reality TV: Scripted, not reality 
115: Parents: Good or bad, they influence your whole life because they were there at the start. Mine went bad and ruined me 
114: Back stabbers: Oh I love them- what?? They suck. No one should be betrayed like that 
113: Ebay: Never used it but it got the ball rolling for Amazon 
112: Facebook: I only use it to message/call my friends, and to see unlimited amounts of dogs 
111: Work: It’s a necessary evil 
110: My Neighbors: Quiet, the only one I met was a total bitch though 
109: Gas Prices: I don’t drive 
108: Designer Clothes: C'mon people there are way better uses for your money 
107: College: Shouldn’t be expected of teenagers 
106: Sports: Boring, overhyped, the players overpaid 
105: My family: Worthless, judgmental pricks 
104: The future: Uncertain

[ Last time I ] 
103: Hugged someone: Sunday (3 days ago), when my friend picked me up from work 
102: Last time you ate: Italian ice about 1.5 hours ago (8:15pm) 
101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: A month ago 
100: Cried in front of someone: A month ago maybe?? 
99: Went to a movie theater: Many many months ago 
98: Took a vacation: A year ago 
97: Swam in a pool: Two years ago? 
96: Changed a diaper: Never 
95: Got my nails done: My 16th birthday I think (almost two years ago) 
94: Went to a wedding: Eight years ago? 
93: Broke a bone: Never 
92: Got a peircing: I was 14 and got my ears pierced (almost 4 years ago) 
91: Broke the law: Never 
90: Texted: A minute ago

[ MISC ] 
89: Who makes you laugh the most: My friend Brad. He’s so inappropriate but his jokes I cannot stop laughing at 
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Not paying bills other than Internet 
87: The last movie I saw: Coraline 
86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Moving to California 
85: The thing im not looking forward to: Paying for rent in California 
84: People call me: To friends: Lys. To family: Alyssa. To my girlfriend: Lyssy. To everyone else: annoying 
83: The most difficult thing to do is: Get up out of bed every day 
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: Nope I do not drive 
81: My zodiac sign is: Cancer 
80: The first person i talked to today was: My friend Jessica 
79: First time you had a crush: Preschool, this boy in my class Marshall 
78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: Myself 
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Yesterday, idk? 
76: Right now I am talking to: My phone in the way of typing 
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: Survive hopefully. I also wanna be a flight attendant 
74: I have/will get a job: Have a job as assistant manager of an arcade 
73: Tomorrow: I’m going food shopping and seeing my annoying cousin Barbara (she has two boyfriends and they both treat her like shit. It’s not poly it’s just cheating) 
72: Today: I actually made a meal that was nice 
71: Next Summer: I’ll be living in California 
70: Next Weekend: I have to face my parents for the first time since February. I hate it 
69: I have these pets: A ball of moss named Mo 
68: The worst sound in the world: My girlfriend crying 
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: My father 
66: People that make you happy: My girlfriend Averi 
65: Last time I cried: A few weeks ago?? 
64: My friends are: Averi, Raven, Jessica 
63: My computer is: My phone 
62: My School: Is nonexistent 
61: My Car: Is also nonexistent 
60: I lose all respect for people who: Hate on others for no reason 
59: The movie I cried at was: Toy Story 3 
58: Your hair color is: Black 
57: TV shows you watch: None 
56: Favorite web site: Tumblr usually 
55: Your dream vacation: California 
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: Once I got constipated a few months ago for 48 hours. I screamed 
53: How do you like your steak cooked: Medium 
52: My room is: Either super messy or super clean. Right now messy 
51: My favorite celebrity is: Jacksepticeye 
50: Where would you like to be: In my girlfriend’s arms on a beach 
49: Do you want children: Right now I don’t think I ever would but if I ever did I’d adopt 
48: Ever been in love: Yes I am now 
47: Who’s your best friend: My girl 
46: More guy friends or girl friends: Girl friends 
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Sleeping 
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: AVERI 
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: Stalin did 
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: Nope 
41: Have you pre-named your children: I did with my ex. Never again 
40: Last person I got mad at: My grandmother 
39: I would like to move to: California 
38: I wish I was a professional: Sleeper [ My Favorites ] 
37: Candy: Swedish Fish or Nerds 
36: Vehicle: Volkswagen Beetle 
35: President: Biden 
34: State visited: California 
33: Cellphone provider: Cricket 
32: Athlete: Me, running from my responsibilities 
31: Actor: Eddie Redmayne 
30: Actress: Anna Kendrick 
29: Singer: Laura Jane Grace 
28: Band: Against Me! 
27: Clothing store: Thrift shops 
26: Grocery store: Safeway 
25: TV show: Adventure Time 
24: Movie: Wall-E 
23: Website: Pornhu- I mean Tumblr 
22: Animal: Red Panda 
21: Theme park: Disney World 
20: Holiday: Christmas 
19: Sport to watch: Extreme Chess Mega X 
18: Sport to play: How Late Can I Get Up Before Concerning My Family 
17: Magazine: :enizagaM 
16: Book: The Underneath 
15: Day of the week: Saturday 
14: Beach: Any beach 
13: Concert attended: Fall Out Boy x Paramore 
12: Thing to cook: Pasta with alfredo sauce 
11: Food: Bacon egg & cheese on a bagel 
10: Restaurant: TGI Fridays 
9: Radio station: Night Vale Community Radio 
8: Yankee candle scent: Ass 
7: Perfume: Averi’s 
6: Flower: Averi 
5: Color: Orange - the color of Averi’s voice 
4: Talk show host: John Oliver 
3: Comedian: Bo Burnham 
2: Dog breed: Corgi 
1: Did you answer all these truthfully? Hell yeah I wouldn’t lie to you

[fcklifeex]

Remember the Name - Chapter 2

                                                        oo2

Hazel

Around 3am arrived at the hotel for the show in Dallas tomorrow. I knew I'd be paying for it in the morning but after two weeks non-stop on the road, I needed a few days off to just be with the family and get some much needed sleep in my own bed.

Pulling the rental into the parking lot, I grabbed my luggage and walked to the front desk where an employee waited with a smile.

“Hi, i’m Hazel. I called earlier about my flight arriving late.” I said, sitting my carry on bag up on its wheels and resting my duffle on the floor so i could pull my wallet out from the pocket of my Hoodie.

“Ahh, Ms. Decker.  My manager told me you’d be coming late. No worries, I’ll just need an ID and a card on file.”  He said, typing my name into their computer.

I nodded, handing over my ID along with a card. While he entered in my information, I took out my phone, looking for any emails from Stephanie regarding tomorrow’s staff meeting. Before each show, corporate liked to bring everyone in for a meeting to make sure we knew our time slots and allotted times for practice before letting us go to catering and maybe hit the gym. Apparently today/tomorrow’s would be at 8am.

“Fuck me.” I muttered under my breath.

It was already 3:30 and if I was lucky, I’d get 4 hours before I had to be up and ready.

“Is there anywhere I can get a beer before bed?” I asked him as he handed me my cards back.

“I’m afraid not at this time, ma’am but there is a stocked mini-fridge in your room with a few other liquors. You’ll be in room 402.”  He said, handing me a room key.

“Thanks.” I nodded, throwing my bag over my shoulder and pulling my carry on into the elevators down the hall.

“Hold the doors!” I heard from the hallway, followed by hurried footsteps just as I pushed the button for my floor.

“Shit.” I said, putting my arm in between the doors to hold them from closing all the way.

The footsteps got closer until Seth jumped through them. With a sweat soaked workout tank and basketball shorts, he inattentively thanked me as he pushed the already lit button to the fourth floor.

“Oh, shit!” He said when he finally noticed me.  “Hey, you just getting in?”

“Yeah.” I nodded towards my things. “Took a late flight out. Just wanted to spend some time in my own bed. Hadn’t been home in a few weeks.”

“I get that.” He chuckled.

“Why are you up this late anyway?” I asked as the doors opened to my floor, the both of us stepping out.

“Got in a workout, couldn’t sleep. You on this floor too?” He asked, walking with me down the hallway.

I nodded, looking at my keycard. “Room 402.”

“You’re next door to me.” He laughed. “I’m 404. You heading straight to bed?”

“Probably. I’m going to be living off caffeine tomorrow as it is.” I laughed, unlocking my door.

“Alright, have a good night, Haz.”

“Night, Seth.”

---

“47...48...49…50! That's a wrap!” My trainer yelled out. “50 handsprings then we'll jump in the ring for a quick set of aerials.”

I came down from my handstand. My arms and shoulders feeling the pain from push ups in that position, but it was well deserved since I had skipped all the hard workouts on my mini-break.

After a sip of my water, I wiped the sweat off my forehead with the hem of my tank-top and started on my handsprings from one end of the room to the other. Although I was told my workouts are unconventional, I had been a trained gymnast since I was three. This type of training worked for me. Plus nobody in the ring could compare to my speed and stamina because of it. It was reason I was a crowd pleaser before anyone even knew I was Lita’s niece.

The doors opened but I couldn't let myself lose focus. Only 15 more and I could take a break before aerials in the ring. Then breakfast.

Eggs. Bacon. Maybe some fruit of any had been left behind. Mm and some coffee.

Goddammit, I was fantasizing about food again!

“50! Good job!” Tara clapped, tossing me a towel and my water bottle.

“Damn, that was pretty impressive Haz.” A familiar voice sounded behind me again and I turned to see Seth adjusting his weights for squats.

Never before had Seth and I ran into each other this much. Even when we were both in Florida we each had our own programming and our schedules never meshed, now lately it seemed like I was running into him everywhere.

“Thanks.” I managed to say between heaving breaths, stopping only to take a drink from my bottle.

I could tell my face was red as a beet and I hated the fact that this is how he caught me but I couldn’t do anything about that. The work of keeping up your physique, especially in this business, wasn’t pretty.

“Alright, no time for chats, in the ring Decker!” Tara yelled again.

Seth

I watched her slowly pick herself up from the floor, her chest still rapidly moving up and down from her last workout but she took another sip of her water and climbed into the ring.

“Alright,” her trainer yelled out, tossing a dummy on the mat. “top rope, give me a triple full from the front, land on your stomach.”

Just as she was told, she did a triple front flip from the top rope, getting more air than anyone I’d seen before, landing full force on the dummy. How had I never watched this woman perform before? If Divas matches were anything like this, I'd watch way more often.

She looked my way and I averted my eyes to the ground, getting back to my workout when she looked over at me, but through my peripherals I could still see her, red faced and fine as hell as she climbed the rope again to do the same backwards.

“Alright, 3 more and you can get stretched.” Her trainer said.

It was a workout in it’s own keeping my eyes to myself after that. Between the moaning and grunting of her hitting the mat and then the stretches of her legs in splits the arches in her back, I was just surprised I was able to keep from blowing in my pants.

“How was breakfast?” She finally turned to me, patting the sweat on her chest with a towel.

“I - uh - I” I stuttered momentarily, clearing my throat before answering. “I haven’t gone yet. Had a few things to take care of after our morning meeting, figured I’d hit the gym while it was still empty. I’m surprised to see you here though. Didn’t think you’d even make it to the meeting.” She laughed, throwing the towel around the back of her neck and holding it. “Yeah, I got into the few of the nips in the mini-fridge just to get some sleep, figured I’d work all the alcohol out of my system before the show.”

With a chuckle, I nodded in understanding. “I’ve been there.”

“You almost done with your workout? I’m sure there’s still some food left in catering if you want to join me. Besides, didn’t you already work out this morning when I got to the hotel?”

“Yeah!” I said way more excitedly than I should’ve. I’d been wanting some one on one time with this woman for weeks now and she always had something better to do. “Yeah, I could eat.”

“Alright, I’m going to jump in for a quick shower. Meet me at catering in like 20?” She asked, walking backwards towards the locker room doors.

“I’ll be there.” I promised, not passing up the chance.

Just as soon as I finished my last rep, I jumped in the shower before heading up to the catering hall. At this point only one or two people were still in the but a few trays were still out with food. Hazel was nowhere in sight yet though.

I decided to grab a plate of food already, some runny eggs and whatever bacon was left before taking a seat at one of the empty tables. Not that I minded eating alone, but breakfast with a very beautiful, very flexible woman would've been better.

“Hey!” Her cheerful voice eased my anxiety.

“Bout time you showed.” I said with a smirk. “I was starting to this is I'd been stood up!”

“Ah.” She waved me off, filling her plate. “I'm sure someone would've taken my place in no time.”

Cocking a brow, I looked up at her as she took a seat next to me. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“Come on, if it wasn't me it’d be one of the other girls. You're like a total babe. The girls around here love you.” she answered nonchalantly, taking a bite from a piece of bacon.

She wasn't wrong. The Divas were always somehow near me but Hazel barely gave me a second look most days.

“Whatever, I can't be that popular if you barely even hang out with me.”

“You have a point there. I am pretty cool.” She said jokingly.

“Yeah yeah.” I laughed. “Are you going to the bar with everyone tonight?”

“Yep.”

“Good, then maybe you'll hang out with me.”

Her phone rang before she could reply and she answered with a mouth full of food. “Hello… yup… be right there.”

Damn, she literally just got here.

“Champs gotta go get ready.” she said, finishing a second strip of bacon before looking at me as she stood. “I’ll be sure to hangout with you tonight. Promise.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” I replied as she gave an adorable half smile and walked out.

---

After a successful match between the shield and the Wyatt family, I hung around to watch Hazel’s match with Paige. It was obvious to see that the company favored Hazel over their Paige who was a longtime favorite. Lately it was starting to seem like it was just one PR mess after another with her, but to see a company so coldly turn their back on someone like that was cautioning.  

The women's match was intense. Aside from a near tap out on Hazel's end, Paige couldn't keep up with her. Between Hazel flying off the ropes to her hits, it was clear she wasn't going for a submission, she wanted a knockout pin.

That's exactly what she got after using one of Lita’s classic finishers, the DDT followed by a beautiful corkscrew jump off the top rope onto Paige.

“That girl is an absolute maniac in the ring.” Roman said, breaking our silence from the intense match.

“Crazier than me?” Dean asked and we rolled our eyes.

“Crazier than any of the women we've seen so far. Think about it, Lita was the last one to pull of stunts like that. You should've seen her in the gym this morning.”

“I see her all the time man.” Dean said. “She's usually in the late at night when it's empty.”

“Probably because she needs all that room for her flips and shit.” Roman laughed.

“You ain't wrong.” I replied. “She's coming out with everyone tonight.”

“You think Renee’s gonna be there?” Dean asked, trying to sound casual.

“Probably.” I laughed.

[mc-and-elise]

Rescue (Vanderlise)(Part 1)

Vanderwood had tried to forget their past. But, the group they were part of prior to the Agency wasn’t going to let them escape that easily, or without taking something-or someone- in return.

Vanderwood woke up panting, sitting up in bed. “Just a nightmare... I’m not there anymore. I’m free. I’m free..” They mumbled, glancing at their phone. The time said it was 1:15 AM. “I haven’t had a dream about them in sometime... Must be stress. Has to be.” Despite their hopes it was just a dream, something in them told the man that they would run into trouble soon.

Meanwhile

Elise sat on the couch, flipping channels on the TV.  Samantha had went to bed hours ago, and the woman had woken up in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall back asleep. “God there’s nothing on TV... and the entire RFA is actually asleep for once...” She muttered. Turning off the TV, Elise stood up and grabbed her coat. She was heading out for a smoke. Maybe afterwards she’d be tired enough to fall back asleep.

Exiting the apartment, the former agent walked down the street, taking in the cold winter air. It was refreshing compared to the stuffy apartment. “I could go to Seven’s... maybe one of them is awake. After all, those idiots never sleep. I swear to God, those twins are going to drive me up the wall with their bad eating and crappy sleep schedules. I wish Vanderwood would knock some sense into them.”

While she walked, a dark van drove down the street, slowing down as it approached her. Placing a hand on her taser, Elise stared at the driver side window as they rolled down the window. “Excuse me, do you know someone who looks like this? They’re an old friend of mine.” The driver, a dark haired male with striking icy blue eyes handed her a photo. Looking at it, she was surprised to see Vanderwood. “Uh... nope. Sorry.” She lied, handing it back to the man. The man merely smirked. “Your reaction tells me otherwise.”

Before she had time to react the side door of the van opened and several men yanked her inside. Elise pulled her taser out and shocked one of them, but another grabbed it and pulled it from her hands. Another man pinned her arms behind her, while a woman gagged her. Feeling the van speeding away, she attempted one last try to escape, headbutting the woman in front of her. They fell back, but before Elise could go after the one holding her arms, an electric shock ran through her body. The next thing she knew, she was falling to the floor of the vehicle as everything went black.

It was around noon when Saeyoung got a message from Samantha on the RFA chat room

Samantha: Saeyoung, is Elise over at your place? She wasn’t around when I woke up and won’t answer my texts

707: I don’t think so. Wait... do you think she and Vandy had a late night tryst and finally admitted how they feel about each other?!

Vanderwood has entered the chat

ZEN has entered the chat

Vanderwood: What are you two going on about now?

Zen: Looks like they think you and Elise had a late night meeting lat night

Zen: If you did, tell me everything! How did you tell her?

Samantha: Tell us!

Vanderwood: *angry emoji*

Vanderwood: We didn’t meet up last night! I haven’t seen her since yesterday afternoon!

707: lol

707: no need to get all flustered~

Vanderwood: I’m not flustered!

Samantha: So wait, none of us have seen her since last night?

Samantha: I’m kinda worried

707: Don’t worry, I checked the CCTV footage and it looks like she went out around 1 AM.

Zen: Probably went out to smoke and stopped at Jaehee’s.

Jaehee Kang has entered the chat

Jaehee Kang: If you mean Elise, she’s not here.

Vanderwood frowned, looking at the chat. Elise never just vanished. Did she get involved with the Agency again? They doubted it. Just as they were about to call her, they received at text from the missing woman. Relieved, Vanderwood opened it only for their blood to freeze as they read the text.

You shouldn't have ran away to Korea, my friend. We told you if you ran, we would find you and get revenge. You have 48 hours to find us before we take this one back instead.

Attached was a photo of Elise, tied to a chair and blindfolded.

“No... SAEYOUNG! SAERAN!”

(It’s Pi day! :D anyways, Have some feels as we embark on a roller coaster of a ride with our favorite agents, and see some of Vandy’s past as well! Plus Saeyoung and Samantha fluff along da way. :3 Don’t worry, still working on da AU and headcanons, just decided to do this too!

[remember-my-name-16]

This particular month’s version of the mostly samey questions I like to re-answer every now and then because perspectives change or whatever.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? Sad Dream - Sky Ferreira Right Where It Belongs - NiN We Should Be Together - Pia Mia Keep Running - Tei Shi Where Is My Mind - Pixies Realiti - Grimes

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Someone willing to give a stranger in need lots of money.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. I’m too depressed to move, that’s why I’m even doing this question thing again. All my books are on my bathroom shelf. Fuck.

4: What do you think about most? The unceasing dissatisfaction I have myself, I don’t know. With happy thoughts though: it’d have to be Joe. If he wasn’t here I wouldn’t be either.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? “Upstairs toilets Hun xx”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? Depends how warm it is and what company I have.

7: What’s your strangest talent? Honestly couldn’t tell you. I’m pretty strange but not talented.

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) Girls love their daddies; Boys have healthy relationships with their parents

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? No, but for my birthday this year a girl I was seeing gave me a framed poem by E.E. Cummings

It was adorable. She was adorable. Fuck.

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? Yesterday, it was a nice day. A good send off.

11: Do you have any strange phobias? Commitment

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Not to my knowledge. But that could just be the brown crayola sticking in my frontal lobe talking.

13: What’s your religion? Orthodoxy for those sweet stability events, local unrest and missionairy strength bonuses yea my EU4 bois know what I’m talkin’ about.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Sitting down and taking in whatever scenery there is, enjoying a warm or cold breeze and breathing relatively fresh air. Bonus points if I have a glass of old mout on the rocks.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Depends how vain I’m feeling at the time.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? The Birthday Massacre, I don’t listen to them all that much but fuck me I love their aesthetic and atmosphere SO FUCKING MUCH.

17: What was the last lie you told? “I’ll pay you back with two drinks hun xx”

18: Do you believe in karma? I believe that shit people will be seen for what they are because eventually everyone’s actions catch up with them.

19: What does your URL mean? It’s a reference to Breaking Bad, one of my favourite TV shows, and used that play on that theme of the show to reference my will to be well, remembered.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Most likely the same thing: I think too much.

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Maisie Williams, this world doesn’t deserve such a cutie

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Nah

23: How do you vent your anger?

idk I go out and drink with ppl or something

or I don’t vent at all and bottle it up and break down after a year or something

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

I have kept some stuff that has emotional significance to me. Mostly from ended friendships and relationships. Things they gave me, or things I owned at the time and reminds me of the way I felt at the time, and how they felt about me. It’s a sobering thing to keep around.

I recently had a pretty bad few days because I lost something like that, I lost a necklace that a girl I was seeing this year left at my place so she had an excuse to come back to my place the next time she was around, when I ended things because I wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship with her, I knew she would get more attached, and she was too sweet for me to hurt. Although I probably did anyway, I kept the necklace and wore it almost all the time to remind myself of what I did and why I should always be sure about what I want before I get someone else who’d care about me invested.

Drunk me lost that necklace, hopefully it’ll come around, but knowing me. Yeeeaaahh I doubt it.

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

If it’s with my girlfriend, video chatting. But other than that the phone is much less stress.

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Yes and no. It’s hard to explain how I feel about myself, but I feel experienced and weathered. I like my sense of humour, I like my level of emotional maturity for the most part, I’m certainly better than most. But I’m not really doing anything with my life, and I’m in a very bad place. I’d go into more detail honestly, but it’d be like trying to untie a ball of wrapped cables.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

The sound of a fork scratching a plate, seagulls yelling. And I love the elegant and refreshing sound of a drink being poured onto ice and fizzling up against the glass. Failing that a girl getting fucked moaning.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I got good grades in school, and passed my A-Levels?

or

What if I managed to keep the people I loved when I wanted them?

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Ghosts no Aliens sure

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first?  Do the same with your left arm.

An empty bottle of cider I drank with my pizza just hours ago. It kinda sucked, but I needed something to wash down the pizza.

The pizza box.

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

My aftershave, I put it on before I left to go out with Adam an hour or so ago.

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

A half destroyed doctors office in Spain.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

East Coast, Californians are cunts.

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Taylor Momsen xo

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

Europa tbh

36: Define Art.

Europa tbh

37: Do you believe in luck?

Worst mechanic please remove from the fucking game why does god france with Elan get to have an extra +25% Manpower recovery speed are you fucking kidding me like fuck off I work for hours to build up a fair fighting chance to beat these big blue wankers and I lose a war I absolutely should’ve won because BEH FRANCE LUCKY BEH fuck off cunt no I don’t believe in luck

 38: What’s the weather like right now?

Nice ‘n’ Warm

39: What time is it?

3:55 AM

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Nah

41: What was the last book you read?

Fight Club

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yeah it’s nice

43: Do you have any nicknames?

God Hands

44: What was the last film you saw?

...Fight Club

Look, it’s a good story fuck yourself

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Almost lost my hand to a stray van door being shut on my wrist with pretty extreme force.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

I’d be too worried for it’s safety tbh

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Caramel Ices Frappes and Tequila.

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

I’m part of the Bisexual master race, yes.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?#

Prolly

50: Do you believe in magic?

Magic must fucking exist because I don’t understand how Spain can defeat my clearly superior naval fleet outmanning them with at least 56 galleys in an inland sea. Must have a fetishist cultist cursing my ships or some shit like gtfo cunt.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Only if they’re a megacunt.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Pisces

53: Do you save money or spend it?

T R E A T    Y O   S E L F

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Caramel Iced Frappe

55: Love or lust?

If you don’t have both yous a beech

56: In a relationship?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha kill me

57: How many relationships have you had?

3 that count for something

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Ye

59: Where were you yesterday?

DRIVIN’ WITH THE BOIS

it was really nice I haven’t had a day like that since I was 17

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

My sheets have flowers on them

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

Mhmm

62: What’s your favourite animal?

H U S K I E S

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Revealing my inner demons and hoping they aren’t turned off by that.

64: Where is your best friend?

Sleeping next to his wife-tier girlfriend. kill me

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

They’d all be porn blogs.

66: What is your heritage?

English with a tad Spanish.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Waiting for my fucking job to pay me so I could order something at the bar.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

OSMANOGLU

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

WORST MOST BORING OVERUSED QUESTION EVER FUCK ME

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Sure

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

If it’s a chihuahua I’m going to work lmao

72: How are you in the bedroom?

Only going from what I’ve been told I’d say I’d rate me at like an average of a 7.5/10 fuck

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

P A R A D O X I C A L    Q U E S T I O N    T B H

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Black Betty

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

I actually don’t know but I cba to check

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Good Tea, Good Talk, Good Sex.

77: How can I win your heart?

Give me attention, a reason to go outside and blow me.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

“Is water wet?”

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Dating Hannah, mostly because I realised I was good at sex, met Joe and went into a personality changing depression that made me a jaded cunt that barely takes life seriously.

Also as uncomfortable as I feel saying it now she was so lovely when we were actually infatuated with eachother so I experience the idealised “love” they show you in movies before I left my teens.

Mostly Joe though, best person I know.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

9′s I think?????

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

”The last person who blew me gets all my stuff”

82: What is your favourite word?

Cance

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Something I desire quite a lot.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

Kill me

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

See Me - Tei Shi

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Whatever colour cuck blood bleeds

87: What is your current desktop picture?

It’s been like this since I broke up with Natalie. It’s weird that I remember that specifically but yaknow

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Holy shit. So many choices.

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

I don’t think I have one, there’s no point in hiding the truth when it always comes out in the end, even if it’s tough to stomach facing. That and I don’t really have any loose ends.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Jerk off and see how they react.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

The ability to heal anyone I touch, with the added bonus of being able to control it.

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

That one time Heather was fucking me so good and trying to make me cum so badly that she almost passed out from loss of breathe and I told her she should stop just in case she was in danger and she wouldn’t for like five minutes but eventually couldn’t take it anymore and I made her stop.

Seriously, ignoring the fact that she was actually the nicest sweetest little thing, and the perfect girlfriend, I will forever hate myself for even slightly hurting that girl, she had the iron will of a sex goddess.

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Freddos going up in prices AGAIN

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Sky Ferreira or Pia Mia

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

The Sun

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

a guy in my dad’s side of the family got a life sentence for butchering his wife

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

I could have gone my whole life without being reminded of how bad I felt the one time that happened thx whoever wrote all of these questions

98: Ever been on a plane?

I’m a lower middle class western white guy...

of course

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

[thebestpirate]

The Longest Sail EVER (Uruguay to Cape Town)

On January 13th, 2017, the Gulden Leeuw left for a grand adventure of our 34-day sail. The thought of starting this voyage scared me half to death because I am the biggest family’s girl you’ll ever meet. My family is full of my best friends and I didn’t want to leave them for a month. However, with the help of my newly found family on the ship, I learned that even a 34-day sail can be full of fun and adventure. Moving back on the ship was surprisingly very easy. I thought it would be a stressful process, but it took maybe an hour. Also, the boys and girls got to switch sides in the dorms, which means we get the better air conditioned side! I can use my blankets every night… I bet the boys can too because the South Atlantic is SO COLD, but still… It’s such a nice feeling. Also, last semester, my bed was one of the closest to the ceiling. When I raised my elbow, it would hit the ceiling, so there was NO WAY I’d possibly ever be able to sit up and most nights I’d hit my head on the ceiling. But no longer do I suffer with a tiny sleeping area. My bunk this semester is still a top bunk, but the ceiling is higher and I can actually move as I please. It’s heaven.

We met our new maritime crew the day we came back to the ship on the 10th of January. They’re a group of amazing people and so many of them are from the States. I haven’t been around so many Americans in a very long time. I very much enjoy being around people from all over the world (it’s probably the coolest thing about CAF), but it was cool to meet people who live closer to me than others.

Our watch groups were changed this semester and man do I love Watch 6. Svea, Elizabeth, Haylee, Brody, and Klaus are some of the best people to hang out with on watch at 4 to 6 in the morning.

On the 18th of January, I was writing in my journal saying “…we’re on our way to Tristan! I really hope we get…” And I just stopped writing because I then wrote, “AAAAND I totally lost my train of thought because there were a bunch of pilot whales SO close to the ship.” That’s the cool thing about Class Afloat. You’re excused from class when there are whales, dolphins, sharks, turtles, etc. It’s a crazy thing to think about and I can’t imagine what living on land is going to be like after experiencing this. Anyways, what I was going to say in my journal was I really hope we get to make it to Tristan Da Cuhna. (Spoiler alert… We made it to Tristan! But I’ll talk about that in a bit.)

On Jan. 21st, a bunch of us were watching High School Musical 2 and you better believe we sang our hearts out. I’ve never met a group of people who understand my love for HSM. Watching the second movie brought me back to when we were in UNEDCO in Spain and we watched the 1st movie in the building we had our classes in. It’s crazy to think that we had a month off the ship and now it’s been a month at sea (with a short stop in Tristan). Before watching HSM2, it’s Megan’s clumsy story of the day… I had just gotten out of galley and I was taking the massive container of rags to the laundry room to start cleaning them. I was walking and the second I stepped on the tile floor, which was super slippery that day, my right foot slipped right across my left leg and I tripped myself. I landed ONLY on my right knee with not only my own weight, but with this darn container of rags. It hurt SO bad, but I ignored it while watching HSM2 because that felt more important at the time. The next day I realized I couldn’t bend my leg… Whoops. I went (limped) to the Medical Officer, Chris, and he put me on the “less physical work board” because walking was a struggle for a solid 48 hours. It took longer than that for the swelling to go down, but I could walk like a semi-normal person after the 1st 2 days. For the time I was crippled, I was walking like a had a peg leg. It was kind of funny, but extremely painful.

The next day (the 22nd), there was an all hands call for a job on deck and, even though I was still injured, I just did an easy job. But… It happened to be Sunday Dinner that day and we were all dressed nice. My skirt was NOT happy in the strong wind outside. It takes skill to haul on a line and hold down your skirt at the same time, but the girls managed it really well so props to us.

On the 24th, we saw at least 4 sperm whales. They were beautiful (and insanely close to the ship). Seeing marine mammals never gets old. Later that day, there was an announcement over the loud speaker that simply said, “big whale on starboard side.” I had been having a rough couple of days in terms of mental health so it’s things like that that make me cheer up a bit. I hadn’t gotten out of bed that quickly in a whiiiile. Also, don’t worry family… I get a little down every now and then because I get impatient waiting to talk to you guys. I cheer up when crazy stuff happens, but sometimes you just want to call your family. The Southern Atlantic, however, does not have cell service. I also found out that morning that I got accepted as a Teacher’s Apprentice for the Anthropology 12 class. Everyone can apply to whatever they want to be on the ship as an apprentice and I knew being a teacher’s apprentice would be more my speed compared to something maritime related. I’m so proud of my work for Anthro!

JANUARY 27TH! My 19th birthday! I am now a 19-year-old and it happened on a ship in the middle of the Southern Atlantic Ocean. How cool is that?! Lindsey, I’m definitely not 8 anymore. In fact, I’m now DOUBLE that. I know, it’s crazy to think about. I got bucketed like what normally happens on peoples’ birthdays and oh my gosh it was cold. I have a video of it because I didn’t want to get bucketed with cold water and not be able to make fun of myself later on.

Time to talk about TRISTAN. Some sailor’s only dream of making it to Tristan because sometimes the wind/weather doesn’t let you anchor outside of their small, isolated home. But we made it! With a lot of hard work, we got to anchor outside of Tristan on the 29th of January, which was earlier than expected, but that’s the window of good weather we had and this crew made it happen. I went aloft (to just below the lower topsail) with John, Kyle, and Liz. I was a little scared, but the waters were calm and we were anchored so I felt confident enough to make it up there. The view of Tristan was breathtaking. We actually went onto Tristan on the 30th and I saw a ROCKHOPPER PENGUIN the second I stepped onto the island. I was in love. I sent some post cards to my family that I hope make it there soon. We visited the school that very few kids attend (considering there’s only about 280 people on the whole island). We got the chance to play ACTUAL BASKETBALL with a few of the kids and I didn’t realize how much I missed throwing things and running around, two things that are prohibited on the ship. We got the chance to climb the volcano that erupted in 1961 and I got some BEAUTIFUL pictures. We only had one afternoon on Tristan so it was over way too quickly, sadly. We made our way back to the ship on the dinghy and set sail the next day on the 31st.

In the beginning of February, I began to prepare my lesson for the Anthropology lesson I would be teaching regarding Sex and Gender. Being the teacher’s apprentice for Anthropology has been a blast and when the time came to teach my 55-minute lesson, I felt 100% prepared. It went extremely well because not only did I work hard on the presentation, but sex and gender is a topic I know a lot about (self-taught because little Megan and current Megan are constantly curious about how that stuff works). Everyone told me that I did a good job and they feel like they learned a lot about sexual orientations, romantic orientations, and gender versus sex.

On board, mostly throughout this long sail, a game known as Jungle Speed has been spreading like wildfire. It’s a hit amongst individuals on the ship who have to get some pent-up energy out. It’s a game that involves a lot of yelling. We’ve actually drawn blood playing this game because it’s so intense when you have to be the first to grab something. It’s harder to explain through text, but consider playing it one day. I’m for sure going to force it upon my family.

In mid-February, we had a handover day, which means the students take over the ship while the maritime crew gets the day off. They keep an eye on us just in case, but I think we were pretty successful that day and the other handovers that have happened throughout the year. Every handover day (at the time I’m writing this, we’ve only had two, but another one is coming up), we fly the huge pirate flag that we have onboard. It’s the small things that make things like this fun. Even though I wasn’t acting as a maritime crew member, because I was a teacher’s apprentice, it was still fun for me to watch my friends be captain, 1st and 2nd officer, engineer, ABs, and bosun. You get a really strong proud feeling when your student crew can take over the ship for a full 24 hours.

On February 13th, we anchored outside of Cape Town and all anyone could think of was “FINALLY!” This was a parent port so many of us had been anticipating seeing our families. I had not seen my sisters since I left in September. We had to anchor until the 16th and I was growing impatient having to wait for 3 days to see my best friends. My siblings are my best friends so seeing my sisters was a big deal. I cannot thank Chris enough for bringing them with him to Cape Town because, not only did I get to see them, they got to experience something outside of our normal life in the United States. Travelling is something I believe everyone should do and I am so glad my sisters got to go to Cape Town, one of my favorite ports.

I enjoyed our long sail, but we sometimes tend to go a little crazy waiting for land to appear on the horizon. One of the most interesting things I’ve learned is that you can smell land when you approach it after so many days at sea.

Thank you for reading this VERY LATE (sorry about that) and very long post. I’ve been putting off typing about this passage for quite some time because of the length I knew it would be, but here it is!

<3 - Megan