#anyway I will not stand for Linda slander

[wherevenusholdssomeofficespace]

Linda Flynn-Fletcher

I think Linda Flynn-Fletcher is potentially one of the most misunderstood characters in the show.

It think comes from a natural enough place. Her role in the show is of course, to act as the potential threat to their summers of fun. While they boys never see her as a threat, narratively she's the big bad. If she sees it, its game over.

Here's the thing though. She's a not a bad mom. Her children LOVE her. Similarly to how Phineas and Ferb absolutely adore Candace and would do nearly anything she asked, Phineas, Ferb and Candace all love and respect their mother and don't disobey her. Now a bit of this is clearly Linda being a more permissive parent, but any rules that Linda has Phineas and Ferb never do anything to disobey their mother. While I wouldn't be surprised if there were one or two instances where Candace disobeyed her mother willfully, the closest I can think off off hand is Candace not doing a bunch of chores that she was supposed to do. Really, the fact that all her kids love her, shows how much all her kids feel loved in their household. And I think that's super important. Candace wrote a song about how much she feels loved by her mom, even if her mom is dismissive of Candace. But she still goes with Candace to see what the boys are up to even if she doesn't believe it. She sets boundaries on how often Candace can bust the boys sure. But she hasn't forbidden Candace from doing it altogether. Nor does she punish Candace for presumably lying?

At MOST Linda will say something like: "let's get you out of the sun" after a failed bust. The worst of it I think is probably the time Linda made her promise not to try or suffer the Pharaohs curse. Which, was just some guy in a Pharaoh costume telling Candace curse you. Linda goes out of her way to read books to try and deal with her daughter. She and Candace still clearly hold a lot of affection for each other and do spend a decent amount of mother daughter time together. Linda gives books to her daughter, tries to direct her to other activities, and finds her sleep busting cute, and sometimes goes out of her way to do activities her daughter wants to do with her. All things considered Linda is REALLY patient about Candace's busting. Could she be doing more to get to the bottom of why Candace is presumably acting out? Sure. But Doofensmirtz could also be doing a better job of listening to his daughter and not insulting her (or do we not remember why Vanessa wears earbuds around the house) but we all call him a really good dad.

A LOT of shows have kids hiding a secret from a parent for one reason of another. But while the crux of the show rests on Linda not knowing what her sons are doing, its not because its a secret. The boys aren't hiding it from her. The boys genuinely believe she knows. Lawrence genuinely believes she knows. Candace is the only one in the family who really grasps the situation.

Linda's ignorance, her disbelief of the wild shenanigans that her children get into is easily mistakable for normality. For representing the oppressive day to day. The same thematic antagonist as school. A mom who wants whats best for her kids, and thinks that whats best for them is them being normal, without realizing what's really best for them. After all why else we saw what would happen if she found out in Quantum Boogaloo. But the fact of the matter is aside from that one future (which also featured an effectively evil leader in Doofensmirtz, and therefore implies more factors at play than just Doofensmirtz and Linda's characters), we don't really know how it would play out in the long term. Future Linda even just kinda moves on after discovering the truth.

Linda is exactly like her kids. She just does the same things on a less physics breaking scale. The woman has like 37 different hobbies. She takes a cooking class, donated an art sculpture, is part of a jazz group. She has a background in astrophysics. She was a pop star. She won a meatloaf contest. She takes french lessons. The fact that Linda has several hobbies is part of the reason the formula works at all. Linda is constantly trying new things which gets her out of the house, while her sons are trying their own new things. Her absence is what prompts Candace to have to go looking for her. Also, What Do It Do when the moment Linda gets put in Candace's position she acts the exact same way.

Also it's why she and Lawrence are so compatible. They have a lot of weird hobbies they spend together. She likes Lawrence's history references. They watch car racing together. They went spelunking together. They go bowling regularly enough to have equipment. She has played the bagpipes while Lawrence danced (which sidenote: do you think she taught Candace how to play the bagpipes?).

Not to mention her extended family. Think about it. Her mom was a competitive roller derby skater who once bit a skate and shook it like a dog with a chew toy and pulls elaborate pranks with her identical twin. Really she's a lot like Candace with her aggressive passion. Her dad apparently won a balloon race, but tells the story in the most straightforward way possible, sometimes very oblivious, but is overall a lot like Phineas. Her sister is an adrenaline junky. And back to Quantum Boogaloo for a minute: Her granddaughter is just like Candace, Grown up Candace is a lot like Linda. Do you not see the implications!!?!?!? LIKE???? DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT LINDA WAS PROBABLY A LOT LIKE CANDACE AND PHINEAS WHEN SHE WAS YOUNGER?!!?! YOU THINK IT SKIPPED A GENERATION OR SOMETHING???

Do you think Linda used to complain about Tiana??? Do you think Linda thought her family was weird and was embarrassed by them??? Do you think Linda ever called herself the only mature/normal member of her family?? LIKE CANDACE DOES????

Anyway, Linda is just like her family. Sure, she is RELATIVELY more normal, but that's relative, and probably simply because the universe bends itself around to keep her from knowing. Linda literally cannot find out about the real nature of her universe. Linda is just a grown up version of her children, seeking to make the most of each day, but within the bounds the universe has set upon her, both as an adult woman and mother, but also in the laws of physics expected of her. But she still makes the most of her life. You don't have to build a roller coaster to make the most of each day and all that.

I think if Linda is representing anything its that even parents can have rich fulfilling lives. Where they make the most out of each day. Having fun with your life doesn't stop with adulthood. Even if you have more responsibilities doesn't mean you can't have fun? Sure childhood is something you can't get back but growing up isn't inherently bad either?

[achangeinreality]

Okay Part 4!! I’m struggling with links right now (they’re getting super messed up) so if you want to check out part 1, it’s pinned on my blog and that has the links to part 2&3. Thanks, enjoy!

Encounters Part 4

July 24, 2552

0500

Ding. Ira groaned at the sound that woke her up so early. She wasn’t normally awake until 0600 hours and always cherished any little sleep she could get. After all, Ira could be in deep sleep and still be woken up by a fly on a wall. But as she rolled over to check her datapad for whatever the cause of her early wakefulness was, she felt a surge of energy course through her as she saw: S-058. Ira opened up the encrypted message which read, Good morning. Ira looked at the message and smiled. Then she looked at the top of her screen to see urgent notifications. She opened up her emails to find an encrypted email sent to all ODST team leaders notifying an emergency meeting to be set for that day at 0700 hours. She replied back to her: Good morning! I hope you slept well. A few minutes went by as Ira went through the rest of her emails and notifications. Ding. S-058: Yes, I slept fine. How are you? Ira replied with, I am happy to wake up to a message from you.

Ira giggled a little to herself after hitting send. The day that Linda had shipped out, Ira was devastated. She had spent the day moping around and finding comfort in the bullet that she now carried on herself at all times. Though, a message from the now Gunnery Sergeant Sila Gutierrez also helped. Sila had messaged her, Hey, Happy belated birthday! Sorry for the late message, I just got back today from the jungle. We had no damn connection other than local comms. Hope you had a good birthday! Sila had done exceedingly well in her career, having continued to climb the ranks throughout the years. She was often unavailable to talk however as she was often sent on lengthy operations. But Sila always responded to messages, even if it was a few weeks late sometimes. Ira considered calling Sila to vent about her romantic mishaps but did not want to bother her. After a few minutes, Ira decided she had no one else to vent to who could understand where she was coming from and initiated a video connection with her.

”Ira! You look good! What’s up? How was your birthday?”- Sila

”Hey Sergeant [insert salute] thank you, thank you. You look alright I guess. My birthday was good. How was the jungle?- Ira

”Hey take that slander elsewhere! But yeah no it was fucking awful. I’m covered in bites on every possible inch of my body.- Sila

”Oh god that sucks, I don’t envy you. But hey uh can I talk to you about something?”- Ira

”Yeah, what is it? What’d you do this time?”- Sila

”You can’t tell a soul. It’s nothing illegal, but it is super personal,”- Ira

”As long as it’s not court marshal worthy I won’t say a word,” -Sila

”No of course it’s not. But uh, well…. Do you remember Spartan 058… you know, the Spartan that saved us on Draco III?”

”You mean the one that you hit on while you were high and then tried again the next day and failed again?” -Sila

[Through gritted teeth] “Yes that one.”- Ira

”What did you do?” -Sila

”Uh…. I ran into her and tried again.” -Ira

”Dude are you actually numb? Like do you need a brain scan? Cuz I can’t believe what just came out of your mouth. Is this like a weird humiliation kink?” Sila

”EW no! No it was different this time, hear me out. I was on Sigma Octanus IV, came back, was standing around with my team, when all of a sudden I hear my name. I turn around and she’s right there! She remembered me! So then she asks to meet with me in the mess hall at 2100 hours and obviously I said yes. So-

“Wait wait wait wait, she saw you and recognized you? But you’ve gotten so old and ugly since the last time she saw you, how is that possible?” -Sila

”Hahaha very funny, jokes on you, you’re older! Anyway, I get there and she starts talking to me, tells me her name. It’s Linda by the way. And I’m trying to keep my chill but you know me, I kept embarrassing myself. Anyway, I invite her to my birthday and she says yes. Then she called me out on my big ass pupils and I thought, well the gig is up, fuck it. So I tell her I’m attracted to her and she did not respond well. But I called her out too and said, hey your pupils have been blown this whole time, what’s up with that? Obviously that also didn’t go well either and she said this wasn’t going to go anywhere and left. SO- Ira

”Oh my god you sly sick bitch. Damn you called out a Spartan? And accused her of having the hots for you on top of that? Let me take notes, damn. Anyway, continue- Sila

”Yeah I know I’m a little unhinged but anyways, get this. She comes to the party!! She actually shows up even after all of that!- Ira

”OOOOOO she came?? Girl she’s in trouble that’s all bad. Wow I’m so proud of you! So what’s the problem then?” -Sila

”Well, it was all good and she even gave me a present that she customized for me. It was so sweet I almost started crying. So then she says she wants to talk to me in private and here I was thinking I was about to win the universal lottery. But then we go to my room and she says, “My purpose is to be a Spartan so this isn’t something I can entertain. I want to stay as friends.”- Ira

”Ohhhh come onnn. No no no no, Ira no, that’s so bad! Wait, what was the present?”- Sila

”I’m not telling you it’s personal! But regardless, she tells me that-“ Ira

”No! What was the present? You’re already telling me the whole hoot and holler, what’s one more detail?” -Sila

”Don’t tell anyone about it,”- Ira

”I already said I’m not opening my mouth about any of this,” -Sila

Ira pulled the bullet out of her pocket and shined it with the cloth that it came wrapped in. She put it up to the screen and then put it close up to the camera so that the words were legible enough for Sila, despite showing up backwards through the video. Sila said nothing while deciphering it and then gasped.

”Oh honey. Oh lord. Oh my god she likes you too,”- Sila

”Do you think so?” -Ira

”No I don’t fucking think so, I know so. That’s such a genuine thing to do. Wow go Linda! Okay so what’s the current update on this?” -Sila

”That’s it. She shipped out this morning to Reach.” -Ira

”Oh you sad sop I bet you’ve just been moping around, woe is me-ing all day huh? Well let me tell you something. It sounds like if you keep pushing it, you’re gonna be entering a whole world of pain. Even if you did enter into a relationship, you would always be her 2nd priority. She clearly values her position very highly,” -Sila

Ira said nothing for a second. Just sat in silence until she nodded in agreement slowly.

”But I know you’re stubborn and your audacity knows no bounds so let me follow up with, if you’re going to push it, I can see a sliver of success.” -Sila

”Really? How?”- Ira

”Well she obviously likes you but she’s way up in the ranks so this is super unorthodox in the UNSC. If you can find a way to stay in contact, you might be too difficult to forget. But, don’t make the first move. You’ve already done the heavy lifting of a lifetime with this. Lay low for a few days and then throw a fishing line in if you’ve only gotten comm silence.” -Sila

“I guess I don’t really have anything else to go on. Thanks Sila, I knew you’d say something helpful.” -Ira

”Yeah well don’t say I didn’t warn you if it all goes tits up. But hey I gotta go, I’m getting summoned to debriefing. I hope it all goes well, keep me posted, bye!”- Sila. Ira waved goodbye as the video chat ended.

This conversation had taken place 3 days ago. It helped Ira feel infinitely less alone knowing that someone in the universe cared to hear her woes, a luxury that many people didn’t have. The next day came and went, and Ira focused on her team. They were excellent, but their newest recruit, Richard, had some difficulty collaborating with the team. Oftentimes, any mistakes or issues that they had encountered on the battlefield originated from a lack of communication and this was something that Ira hoped to tackle. Ira had come up with an exercise: Everyone one, except one person, would be blindfolded and tied to each other with a rope that allowed 3 ft in between. The person in the front would not be blindfolded but still tied. It would be their job to scout the room for hidden, but visually findable booby traps that Ira had asked an outside personnel to rig. The traps were lightly painful but non-lethal and the goal was to make it around the room without setting off one. The person in the front then had to pass down where and how to step around to the person behind. That person would then pass it down, until it reached the end. They would all take turns being the person in the front and Ira would give them 2 tries each to get it right once. The exercise had been going well, most of her team members succeeded at least once. Only Richard had failed twice. To say that he threw a fit was to put it lightly.

”This is fucking dumb Corporal, why did I even need to participate in this? Is this some sort of hazing ritual?”, he exclaimed. “We are doing this to improve our communication skills. Over the last few skirmishes that we’ve been in, there’s been mistakes left and right. It’s my job to make sure we improve,” Ira replied sternly but evenly. Richard continued. “But why this? Why can’t we just watch our tapes back and learn that way?”

“We tried that already and it didn’t work. It’s like all my pointers went in through one ear and out the other. I have talked to you about this before, you’re our weakest link. You’re impulsive on the battlefield and disregard every other order. That shit won’t fly much longer so I’m giving you the chance to improve,” Ira stated. The rest of the team did their best to look uninterested but Ira could tell they were all intently listening. “Oh okay communication is my issue then alright. Maybe I’ll take a little lesson from you and that Spartan that you’ve been fooling around with. You two sure seem to have plenty to talk about,” Richard shot back. Absolute silence filled the room. You could have heard a pin drop and locate its exact location after that comment.

“Excuse me? I don’t think you understand your position, trooper. My personal life is of no concern to you and if I ever hear you voicing any sort of comment on it, I will personally make sure that you never drop from a pod again. Do I make myself clear?” Ira’s tone could have cut glass. Her stare was cold, unwavering, and occupied with an empty, soulless void that threatened to consume him if he spoke anything other than “yes, sir”. Richard seemed to shrink in size and looked anywhere but back at her. “Yes, sir,” he replied quietly, still looking away. “Good. And unless you show improvement on our next mission, you will not remain on this team. Dismissed,” Ira barked. Everyone shuffled out of the room uncomfortably. Rachel stayed back after everyone had left to say, ”So… we’ve all been wondering something. This is probably not the best time but I’m gonna ask anyway,” Ira glared at Rachel, knowing exactly what the question was going to be. “I’m gonna stop you right there Datz. Go, that’s an order,” she seethed. Rachel put her hands up and scuffled out. Ira sighed, knowing damn well the topic of conversation amongst her team was going to be ‘what’s up with the corporal and that Spartan?’ And the answer was, nothing. Absolutely fuckig nothing, that’s the problem. Nothing was going on between her and the Spartan. She leaned against the wall and covered her eyes. Get a grip you idiot, she thought.

Ira was walking to the showers when she heard a Ding! Looking over at her data pad, her jaw dropped to the floor upon seeing the name of the recipient: S-058. She opened the message up and read, Hello, I am hoping you are well. Ira fervently typed back, Hi! I am now. And yourself?

This had been the beginning of their back and forth messaging which had now been going on for 2 days. It was only 5-6 messages a day, but they meant the world to her. So really, being woken up a little too early to the first one of the day wasn’t too bad at all. She was mostly surprised to have received any sort of communication. But for now, she had to start her day and see what this meeting was all about.

I am happy to wake up to a message from you.- Ira

Linda felt her eyes widen a little at the message and an increasingly more familiar warmth radiate in her chest. It had been 2 days since Linda gave into the nagging thoughts and decided to reach out to Ira. She knew it wasn’t necessarily a good idea but managed to convince herself that this was how to maintain a good friendship. Kelly was the only one who knew that Linda was in communication with Ira. She had given her an approving look at the news.

”Glad to know my advice is taken seriously around these parts,” Kelly touted. Linda rolled her eyes and replied, “Yeah alright settle down. We’re just friends.” Kelly huffed loudly but said nothing else. Later that day when they were finishing up at the shooting range, Kelly had asked, “So how’s the friendship going?” Linda looked around annoyed to make sure that no one was listening to them. She answered back, “It’s going fine. Do you need an hourly update?”

”I’m just saying, I’d support a partnership. I know some of the others wouldn’t approve but since when do you care what others think?,” Kelly pressed. Linda sat down at one of the tables nearby to take her sniper apart. Taking the weapon apart to clean it was incredibly soothing for her. Focusing on that made it easier to have this conversation. “Kelly I know you mean well but you can’t be serious. There are so many reasons to not go there with her. Not to mention I’m 13 years older than her. I don’t know much about this stuff but I know that’s weird,” Linda stated. Kelly snorted at the comment and said, “First off, we’re not ancient. Secondly, I don’t think that’s an issue she’s concerned over, otherwise she probably wouldn’t be all heart eyes over you. Fuck the rules anyway you’re both adults.”

”Exactly, I’m an adult and I’m making a responsible, adult decision to keep her at an arm’s length. It’s the best decision for the both of us,” Linda continued, firmly. Her tone was even but Kelly could tell that she was tense. Regardless, she pushed back, “Well she’s an adult too and I’m sure she knows what she wants.” At that, Kelly walked out of the room, leaving Linda to continue her cleaning. Click, click, click, snap, snap, click. The pieces all fit back together perfectly and cleanly. If only her current situation was so easily assembled.

She needed to meditate and there were too many people around. So, Linda made her way to the base’s quiet room. This was where soldiers and military personnel could go to pray, soak in silence, or meditate in Linda’s case. Not every station or base that she went to had one of these but when it did, Linda was grateful for it. Linda’s home base on Reach had everything she could want and this was one of her favorites. The room was different in more ways than one. It had a skylight that allowed sunlight to gleam through and illuminate the room softly during the day and moonlight during the night. The corners of the room however, remained in shadow. This was the only room on the base that did not have any artificial lighting and it brought a certain peace to the atmosphere, unlike any she had experienced before. Linda grabbed a mat off the shelf and sat in the back right corner of the room. She sat down and closed her eyes, breathing slowly, feeling her mind lifting off.

1200 hours

Kelly finished her run. These new headphones that she had gotten amazed her, as they had managed to stay on her head the entire time. Music was a joy that Kelly had discovered years ago. It allowed her to stay focused and pushed her to move faster and faster. According to John, her choice of ‘classic rock’ was archaic and noisy but she liked noisy! Better to have catchy lyrics blended with ‘noisy’ drums and guitar sounds as opposed to screaming, explosions, and death. The sounds of war. Though the sounds of gunfire weren’t necessarily ugly to her. They were, in a weird and sad way, comforting to her. Not comforting in a conventional way but rather, in a predictable way. In other words, Kelly knew where gunfire came from and what it did. She could distinguish the type of weapon that every gunshot came from and smell their differences. This was not necessarily an exceptional ability but rather one shared between many of her siblings. And right now, there were too many new and uncertain things happening that Kelly didn’t have explanations for.

In the last 24 hours, Kelly had grown concerned about Linda. Linda, it appeared, had grown oddly attached to Corporal Ira Hagan, ODST. Kelly had done some digging into Hagan’s file and found some impressive accomplishments. Upon further investigation (light hacking), she found a concerning detail about her. The Corporal had been subject to several psych evals. Not a good thing in their line of work, or probably in any. The cause for the several evals was…. REDACTED. How interesting, she thought. What could the Corporal have done to receive so many psych evals and then the reason for them be redacted? Moreover, should she tell Linda? Maybe not yet, after all, Kelly had encouraged Linda to reach out and embrace a ‘friendship’ with Hagan. She wanted to be on their side and support whatever this was, but Kelly couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off about Hagan. And here was the proof! But maybe it was a misunderstanding, maybe she was looking too much into it. And right now, she had nothing else to go on.

Kelly wandered into the mess hall, looking around for Fred-104. He was serving himself whatever horrible soup was getting served that day. Kelly always hated soup. She wandered over and sniffed it, feeling a nausea in her stomach.

“What do you want, soup hater?,” Fred inquired dryly. Kelly signed to him, need to talk. He lifted an eyebrow and looked at her, signing back, urgent? Kelly rolled her eyes and said out loud, “What do you think?” Fred sighed and asked, “I’ll eat, you talk.” They went over to the most secluded table in the mess hall that they could find. Regardless, it was full at the moment and so, it was improbable that others would hear their conversation. Kelly sat down and waited for Fred to start eating. She thought about how to phrase her question. Fred asked, “Well?” Kelly leaned back in her chair and asked, “Do you remember Margaret-053 and Otto-031?” Fred looked at her seriously but said nothing. He swallowed the next spoonful of soup and answered, “Of course, Black Team. Excellent Spartans.” Kelly’s face dropped and she looked at him in annoyment, “Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.” Fred sighed loudly and replied, “What’s your point? Why are you bringing that up?” Fred was of course talking about the incident when they were kids where the 2 aforementioned Spartans were found out to be entangled with one another. The rest of the Spartans did not take kindly to the news and well, essentially assaulted the pair. The fight had ended with Margaret losing an eye and retaliation on behalf of Black team which then ended in 2 more weeks of trouble for everyone.

The motivation behind the attack had been a misplaced belief that the Spartans had not been taking their training seriously. This of course came from the brainwashed idea they held at the time that any semblance of romance was a detriment to them all. That was until Kelly grew up and could see that the instilled belief had been a way to control them and further them away from their humanity. It was effective of course, for to be attached to someone else romantically was to be distracted from their missions partially. And as weapons, that just wouldn’t do. Still though, when Maria-062 retired to create a family of her own, it made Kelly stop and think. What could compel someone like her to turn away from their purpose and create her own? It seemed that love indeed was a powerful motivator, and their instructors were right to steer them clear of it. But instead of erasing Maria from her memory, Kelly felt an enormous amount of respect for her. For though the life of a Spartan was the only one Kelly could want, who was she to judge another for wanting more? She certainly had had her fair share of little crushes here and there but couldn’t ever act on those feelings. There just wasn’t ever any time for that. And people were too scared of her and the other Spartans to ever initiate conversation anyway. Kelly couldn’t blame them of course, but it got lonely at times. So when she heard Private Hagan admit to Linda that regardless of their circumstances or rank, she would have still called her pretty, Kelly was flabbergasted. Not only did this Private have the chutzpah to hit on a Spartan twice, but Linda’s lack of response had been very telling. If she truly had no interest in this woman, surely she would have reprimanded her or sent an official complaint to her new team lead. At least a write up or something. But instead, she was frazzled into silence. Linda wasn’t one to get cowed, the woman was incredibly scary. Kelly’s suspicions had only been reaffirmed when 8 years later, aka a few days ago, Linda had come to vent about a very personal meeting she had had with a certain Corporal.

“You don’t still feel that way about relationships right?,” Kelly finally responded. Fred looked even more confused now but replied, “No not entirely. I think we were immature at the time but- wait why are you asking me this stuff?”

”Humor me. Say hypothetically, this was happening now, and you found out that Otto had a lot of psych evals but the information on those were redacted, what would you do? Would you tell Margaret or dig deeper?,” Kelly inquired. Fred looked beyond annoyed at this point but rolled his eyes and answered back, “I wouldn’t get involved.” Kelly exhaled exasperatedly and said, “No you have to answer, just humor me.” Fred thought for a few seconds and replied, “Well, telling Margaret would only lead to her asking Otto about it and he can’t talk since the information is redacted so then he’d be compromised. I suppose I’d dig deeper then.” Kelly smiled at him, content with the answer. She stood up and said, “Enjoy your soup, I’m going on another run.” Fred frowned and yelled, “Wait no what’s going on?!” But it was too late. Kelly had already sped out of the room as quickly as she had come, leaving Fred to wonder, do I even wanna know?

[hotshotsxyz]

all the wrong answers (you're not supposed to work) - part one

(buddie) (4k) (read it on ao3)

part one of potato cake fic is HERE. this was fully inspired by @zainclaw suggesting that the 'equal parts butter and potato' recipe that linda refers to in 5x11 could be dylan hollis's potato cake. and then i, uh, spiraled. part one of most likely two, but who knows! i could spiral again...

Eddie’s new job is– fine. Mostly. 

It’s a little boring, yeah, and he still doesn’t really ‘get’ Twitter, but he gets to go home at a reasonable hour and spend time with Christopher and he’s safe. That’s what matters. 

He’s still helping people, sort of, and if his heart twinges a little every time he answers a call about an incident the 118 responded to, that’s nobody’s business but his own. 

It’s a job. Most people don’t like their jobs. He’s got a salary, and health insurance, and regular hours, and really, that’s all he needs. And if he misses his team, locked inside his dingy office, staring at a computer screen all day? Well, that’s a price he knew he was going to have to pay the day he walked out. 

A knock on his door frame startles him from his reverie. 

“May?”

“Hey!” she says brightly. “You had lunch yet?” She holds up a tupperware of salad and shakes it. 

Eddie frowns a little. “I, uh– usually eat at my desk,” he says, like he’s been here more than a day and a half.

May laughs, a soft musical sound. “Come on, you’ve got to be feeling cooped up in here. It’s kind of depressing.” She gestures at the tiny windows set into the cinder block wall with a grimace. 

Despite himself, Eddie snorts. “Yeah, alright, I need to stretch my legs anyway.”

“Are you liking the new job so far?” she asks when he stands, just a little too innocent to sound anything but practiced.

“Oh, I get it,” Eddie says with a soft roll of his eyes. “Bobby put you up to this, didn’t he?”

May presses a hand to her chest, in a display of mock outrage. “I am hurt and offended at your calumnious accusation,” she says. 

Eddie’s eyebrows shoot up. “Calumnious?”

May shrugs. “Word of the day, calumnious. False and defamatory; slanderous,” she recites. 

“Huh,” Eddie says. “Never heard that one before.”

“It’s definitely better than yesterday’s word,” May says, wrinkling her nose.

“What was yesterday?”

“Pulchritudinous,” she grimaces. “Somehow it means beautiful?”

Eddie surprises himself with a laugh. “Compliment someone with that word at your own risk,” he jokes. 

May throws back her head and laughs, then pats him on the shoulder. “Eddie,” she says, nearly choking on giggles, “I think this is the start of a pulchritudinous friendship.”

///

“Oh, honey, no,” a woman says, and it takes Eddie a second to realize she’s talking to him. 

His shoulders tense. “Can I help you?” He turns towards the woman, leaving the microwave open behind him. 

“No, but it looks like I’m going to be helping you. You’re Eddie, right?”

“Yeah, Eddie Diaz.”

“Nice to finally put a face to the name, Linda Bates. Maddie’s told me about you,” she says with a grin. 

Eddie nods, a little stiffly. “Maddie talks about me?”

“Well,” Linda says, lifting an eyebrow, “she talks about Buck, so. You know.”

“Right,” Eddie manages, feeling a little like he’s been stabbed in the stomach. “Anyway, nice to meet you, but–”

Linda shakes her head. “Oh no, don’t think you’re getting off that easy. We’ve got to talk about that.”

Eddie follows her gaze to– “My lunch?”

“I say this because I care. Eddie, that is the saddest lunch I’ve ever seen, and I watched my brother do paleo for a year.”

His ears burn. “It’s not that bad,” he mumbles, because it’s not! Like, okay, maybe microwave macaroni isn’t the most exciting dish, and maybe he could have put something other than lettuce in his salad, but he’s got a box of protein bars in his desk, so it’s not like he’s going to starve. 

“It absolutely is,” Linda says, thoroughly unimpressed. 

“Well we can’t all be Chef Boyardee,” Eddie snarks. 

Linda blinks twice. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

///

And just like that, Eddie has friends at the office. 

It’s kind of surreal, because he’s used to having a team, a group of people he’d lay down his life for without hesitation, a family, but he’s never really had this. Watercooler gossip, words of the day, people he calls his friends but can’t imagine asking to drive him to the airport. 

Everything is low stakes, and it’s kind of nice, actually. 

May tells him a new word every morning, Linda makes fun of his lunch and texts him easy recipes, and it all feels familiar in a way he isn’t willing to examine, but it’s good. It’s not fun facts or family dinners, but somehow it feels safer.

The elevator dings and he steps out, coffee in hand. He catches May’s eye from across the room, and she dissolves into giggles. 

“Ravi sent me,” she gasps as soon as Eddie makes it to her desk, “the stupidest TikTok.”

“I’m almost afraid to ask,” Eddie quips. “Wait– you talk to Ravi?”

“Yeah, duh,” she says, wiping at her eyes. “And I told him today’s word, and he sent me– he sent me–” she breaks off into another peal of laughter and holds out her phone. 

The video that plays is– completely incomprehensible. 

Eddie opens and closes his mouth, then blanches. “Oh god,” he says. 

May straightens. “What’s wrong?” she asks, suddenly the competent dispatcher Eddie knows her to be. 

“Buck was right,” he says mournfully. “I am old.”

May stares at him for a long second, then snorts, then laughs so hard she cries. Around the time she buries her face in her arms to muffle the sound, Eddie realizes the conversation is over. 

“See you at lunch,” he says with a chuckle. 

May raises a hand in a half-hearted wave, even as her shoulders continue to shake. 

Later, Eddie texts Ravi. 

Eddie, 2:27 PM: What was the word of the day??

Ravi, 2:28 PM: Carcinisation.

It explains absolutely nothing. 

///

“Do you know anything about TikTok?” Eddie asks Linda in the break room. “Because May showed me one this morning, and now Ravi’s sending them to me too, and none of them make sense. None of them, Linda.”

“Everybody knows about TikTok,” Linda says, patting him on the shoulder. 

“Everybody but me,” Eddie grumbles. 

“And you’re supposed to be the LAFD’s social media manager,” she quips. 

Eddie rolls his eyes. “I’m not–”

Linda flaps her hand at him. “Alright, show me Ravi’s TikTok, I’ll explain the joke.”

Eddie heaves a sigh and holds out his phone. 

Linda snorts as she watches it.

“So?” Eddie asks at the end. 

“What’s there not to get?” Linda shrugs. 

///

So Eddie gets sent TikToks now, apparently, and he tweets for a living, and he’s kind of never felt less like himself in his life. He’s on top of the laundry, and the dishes, and every other chore he can think of. The ceiling fans are dusted and the baseboards are clean. 

It’s worth it, for Christopher, of course it is. 

But he’s never sat this still before, and it’s kind of driving him crazy. He never remembers his dreams, but he’s sure they’re mostly nightmares, if the way he always seems to wake up with a scream on the back of his tongue is any indication. 

He wants to text Buck. But Buck can always tell when his skin is feeling too tight and he’s itching to claw his way out of it so he texts Linda instead. 

Eddie, 6:16 PM: Any idea how to make chicken taste… good?

Three dots appear, then disappear, and Eddie can imagine the exact expression on Linda’s face. A little disappointed, a lot amused, and fully prepared to teach him and make fun of him in the same breath. 

Linda, 6:18 PM: You’re going to need parchment paper, a mallet, fish sauce, and some mustard powder.

Right. Eddie has exactly none of those things. He re-reads the text and wrinkles his nose. 

Eddie, 6:19 PM: What’s the fish sauce for?

Linda, 6:19 PM: Trust me, Diaz. 

Eddie shakes his head and blinks twice. Alright, fish sauce on the chicken it is. He grabs his keys and heads out the door. 

///

The chicken is delicious. Like, Eddie likes it, Christopher likes it, and they don’t even trash the leftovers. It’s a miracle, according to his son. 

“Very funny,” Eddie says, ruffling his hair, even though he kind of agrees. 

He’s maybe a little bit proud of himself, though, so he texts the picture he took at the beginning of the meal to Buck and waits. 

Buck, 8:42 PM: Edmundo Diaz.

Buck, 8:42 PM: Did you COOK??

Eddie chuckles to himself and types out a reply. 

Eddie, 8:43 PM: I’m a man of many talents. 

He only has to wait a moment for his phone to vibrate with Buck’s response. 

Buck, 8:43 PM: I’ll believe it when I see it

Eddie snorts and shakes his head. 

Eddie, 8:44 PM: Come over for dinner then, I’ll prove it. You free tomorrow?

There’s a long pause, interrupted only by the appearance and disappearance of the three dots. 

Buck, 8:51 PM: I told taylor she could come to mine after work

Eddie grimaces a little, but after Hen made one too many comments about his disdain for Taylor, he’d decided to at least try to play nice. 

Eddie: 8:52 PM: Bring her too

This time, the response is immediate. 

Buck, 8:52 PM: U sure?

Eddie sends a quick yeah before he can change his mind. 

And then he panics, and practically sprints to the store. He calls Linda on the way. 

///

The cupcakes are an afterthought, and he regrets them almost as soon as he’s home. Store-bought dinner rolls? Sure. He’s not going to figure out bread in one afternoon. Dessert, though, surely he could do that on his own. His pantry is practically bereft of baking ingredients, though, and Christopher’s already in bed, so he can’t go back to the store. 

He texts Linda. Again. 

Eddie, 11:13 PM: SOS

It’s three nail-biting minutes before she responds. 

Linda, 11:16 PM: How could you possibly be having a cooking emergency right now?

Linda, 11:17 PM: Unless it’s a fire, in which case, you should know I’m not on shift. 

Eddie exhales sharply through his nose in an approximation of a laugh. 

Eddie, 11:17 PM: Haha. Very funny. 

This time, Linda’s response is quick. 

Linda, 11:17 PM: I try

Eddie bites his lip and quickly sends another text. 

Eddie, 11:18 PM: I want to make dessert

Eddie, 11:18 PM: For dinner tomorrow

His phone buzzes three times in quick succession. 

Linda, 11:19 PM: All that time talking about meatloaf, and now you just want to eat cake?

Linda, 11:19 PM: kidding

Linda, 11:19 PM: what do you want to make?

Eddie scrubs a hand through his hair and tries to tamp down the anxiety rising in his chest because it’s ridiculous. It’s just Buck, who’s pretended to like more than his fair share of rubbery eggs and dry chicken. 

Eddie, 11:20 PM: Don’t know. I only have like a cup of flour left so not sure what I can. 

Then again, maybe Buck’s the reason he wants everything to be perfect. He keeps looking at Eddie like there’s something wrong, but he’s fine. He just needs to prove it. 

Linda, 11:22 PM: You’ve got extra potatoes, right?

She doesn’t wait for him to answer. 

Linda, 11:22 PM: I know just the recipe. 

Linda, 11:23 PM: Watch this. 

It’s another freaking TikTok, but this time he’s being yelled at by a teenager who can’t pronounce cinnamon. 

This is what his life has come to. A TikTok potato cake. If this thing sucks, he’s never going to live it down. 

Linda sends him another text, a screenshot of the recipe. 

And– okay, look. Eddie doesn’t have a lot of baking experience, but he’s pretty sure nothing about this thing makes sense. Potatoes don’t go in cakes. Potato skins really don’t go in cakes. And he’s pretty sure nothing should ever have a 1:1 ratio with butter. 

But it’s nearly 11:30, and he doesn’t have the ingredients for anything else, and if he gives Buck the stupid store-bought cupcakes tomorrow he’s probably going to look at Eddie like he’s something fragile and he’s not. 

So he jots the recipe down on a notecard, then queues up the video again and does exactly what the guy says, because if this cake ends up disgusting, it’s sure as shit not going to be his fault. 

Eddie boils and mashes the potatoes. He creams together the butter and sugar and beaten eggs. He adds milk to the potatoes and sifts the dry ingredients together in a separate bowl, even if he has no idea why. He even grates the stupid bar of semi-sweet baker’s chocolate, which he only even has because he bought it by mistake once and it was too bitter for him or Christopher to enjoy. 

He slowly adds everything together, and takes care not to overmix the batter. Which– how is it even possible to overmix something? Eddie has no idea. But the TikTok guy says not to, so he leaves it lumpy.

He preheats the oven to 350°, slides the cake in, and prays. 

///

Work is fine and dinner is good and Eddie’s almost positive Buck believes it when he smiles. And– there’s no reason he shouldn’t, because, sure, Eddie thinks Twitter is stupid, and yeah, he hates it when people ask if he’s a real firefighter, but he’s fine. He’s fine, right up until he goes to get dessert and Buck follows him and– 

“You need to move on. I have.”

Buck’s face falls, and Eddie feels a stab of regret. But he can’t do this, not right now, so he brings the store-bought cupcakes and the potato cake to the table and he smiles like nothing’s wrong, and a moment later Buck follows and does the same thing. 

Everyone likes the cake, though, so at least there’s that. 

///

At two in the morning, May sends him a link to a TikTok with no caption. 

Eddie types out and sends what he believes to be the only possible response.

Eddie, 2:02 AM: what

May answers almost immediately. 

May, 2:03 AM: why are you awake??

Eddie raises an eyebrow and replies. 

Eddie, 2:03 AM: Could ask you the same question

His phone buzzes twice in quick succession. 

May, 2:03 AM: touché

May, 2:03 AM: anyway, you should get a djungelskog for christopher

Eddie blinks. And blinks again, but nope, his screen still says djungleskog. 

Eddie, 2:04 AM: And that is?

May, 2:04 AM: did you even watch the video?? 

Eddie rubs his face tiredly but smiles despite himself. 

Eddie, 2:05 AM: Tell you what

Eddie, 2:05 AM: Go to sleep now and I’ll show this to Buck

Eddie, 2:05 AM: You and Christopher will both have one by next week

The reply is virtually instant, and it makes Eddie snort. 

May, 2:05 AM: deal

May, 2:05 AM: gn

A long moment passes, then one more message appears. 

May, 2:07 AM: you should go to sleep too

He should. He doesn’t. 

///

The high of a good save is like nothing else; Eddie’s practically buzzing with it. For the first time since he quit the 118, he thinks there might still be something in this world that he’s good at. He thinks that maybe, just maybe, he’s got something good going here. 

It’s not firefighting, but he’s got May and Linda, and he helped someone tonight. So when Buck invites him to the bar, he says yes without hesitating. He feels good. Hell, he even smiles when Josh walks in. 

The smile doesn’t last. 

And Eddie– Eddie’s pissed, actually, but there’s not a damn thing he can do about it, because at the end of the day Josh is right. He doesn’t belong here. He can pretend all he wants, but he doesn’t. 

But fuck it, Eddie felt good today, and Josh doesn’t get to ruin that because he’s going to the bar to see his friends, and maybe he doesn’t belong here but he’ll always belong with them. 

His phone buzzes as he gets into his truck. 

May, 6:18: you okay?

May, 6:18: you left kind of fast

Eddie doesn’t answer. 

///

The bar is crowded and loud and familiar and exactly where Eddie’s supposed to be. 

“Can I get you anything?” the hostess asks. 

Eddie’s eyes wander until they catch on Buck, head thrown back in laughter. He can’t help the smile that tugs at his lips. 

“Are you with the firefighters?” she continues, and it’s like being doused with cold water because–

“No.”

He’s not. He’s not with the firefighters. He’s not with the 118. It’s a badge and ladder joint, and Eddie might still have a badge but he hasn’t seen a ladder in weeks. He’s kidding himself. 

The people at that table – Buck, Hen, Bobby and the woman he doesn’t recognize but can make an educated guess about – they made the rescue today. They’ve got something to celebrate. And if Eddie goes over there…

He’ll just be dead weight. He’ll bring them all down.

Eddie offers the hostess a tight smile and leaves as fast as he can. He brushes past Ravi at the entrance, he thinks, but he’s halfway to another panic attack and he’s not doing that here. He gets into his truck and drives, drives with no destination in mind because Carla’s not expecting him for at least another couple of hours and he can’t explain any of this, doesn’t want to. 

Deep in his bones, though, he knows. He made a mistake. Now he has to live with it. 

///

Eddie finds himself parked in front of the grocery store, and it almost makes him laugh. Of all places to end up when he’s on the verge of a breakdown. He’s always hated grocery shopping. 

There’s a cart near the front of the parking lot and Eddie grabs it, wincing when the wheel squeaks. He pushes it up to the automatic doors, which slide open with a whoosh of cold air. Eddie shivers. 

Above him, the fluorescent lights buzz incessantly. Eddie’s always hated grocery shopping, but tonight, somehow, the store calms his nerves. There’s hardly anyone here, just a bored teenager at the cash register and a few scattered shoppers. 

Eddie picks an aisle at random. 

It was the contents of his cart that always got him, Eddie thinks. Processed junk and pre-bagged salads, proof that he was as inadequate as he felt. 

Now, though, he knows how to make decent chicken, and he’s planning on spiralizing a zucchini, and maybe that’s the difference. His entire life is falling apart, but he can finally feed his kid without anyone else’s help. 

He doesn’t need help. 

By the time Eddie makes it to the baking aisle, he’s already got a week’s worth of food in his cart. He doesn’t need flour, or baking powder, or sugar, but the longer he stares at it, the longer he itches to grab it.

Eddie can count on one hand the number of things he’s baked successfully. One finger, really, if you don’t count slice-and-bake cookies. But he kind of wants to do it again, because the ridiculous potato cake was good and his life’s a mess but maybe if he learns how to make scones everything will be fine. 

He buys one of nearly everything in the aisle. 

///

Christopher’s asleep when Eddie finally gets home, and he tries not to be upset about it. 

“You okay?” Carla asks, brow creased. 

He probably looks like a wreck. “Fine,” Eddie says, pasting on a smile. “Just realized we were out of, you know, everything. Decided to make a stop on the way home.”

Carla’s eyes narrow. “Well I hope you didn’t spend all night thinking about the groceries.”

“Course not,” Eddie replies, fighting his instinct to look away. “It was nice to see everyone.” It’s not even a lie. For a split second, it was nice. They looked happy. Eddie wants them to be happy. 

She looks at him doubtfully, but finally smiles and pats him on the arm. “Good,” she says. “You deserve to have a nice night here and there.”

Eddie musters a grin. “And you,” he says, forcing some levity into his tone, “Deserve to get some rest. Thanks for watching him late tonight.”

“Anything for the Diaz boys,” she says lightly. “You get some rest too, okay? You seem tired.”

“I am,” Eddie says. The grin turns rueful. That, at least, feels like the truth. But he doubts he’ll sleep. 

///

His first batch of cookies is in the oven when Christopher finds him and turns everything upside down. 

“You’re really brave,” he says and it doesn’t feel like Eddie deserves that. “I can be brave too.”

He definitely doesn’t deserve that. Eddie pulls Christopher to his chest and runs a hand through his hair. “I love you, kid,” he says roughly. “You don’t have to be brave about this if you don’t want to, though, okay?”

Christopher shakes his head and pulls away. “I want you to be happy,” he says simply. 

Eddie bites his lip, but the oven timer dings and saves them both from whatever his answer would have been. 

“Are you… baking?” Christopher asks. 

Eddie chuckles at the incredulity in his tone. “Yeah, yeah.” He ruffles Christopher’s hair. “Tell you what, you can have one if you promise to go back to bed right after.”

Christopher looks dubiously between him and the oven. 

Eddie snorts. “I followed the recipe,” he says, standing and grabbing the oven mits Buck bought him as a joke. “They’re going to be fine.”

“If you say so, Dad.”

///

He goes to Bobby the next morning, and he’s sure it’s the right decision. Being away from the job, it’s been killing him. Getting back to the 118 is what’s going to make him okay again. He knows it. 

His phone buzzes with a text just before he knocks. 

Buck, 8:15 AM: missed u last night

Eddie grins and shoves the phone back in his pocket. He’ll text Buck back after he talks to Bobby, when he has good news. He’s coming home. 

///

Except he’s not. 

He’s not because Bobby thinks there’s something wrong but he’s fine. He’s fine. He’s angry. He’s fine. 

Or. Or he would be fine, if Bobby would just let him come home. 

Eddie flexes his fingers on the leather of his steering wheel. He’s still in Bobby’s driveway but he doesn’t know where to go. The thought of having to tell Christopher he isn’t going to be a firefighter after all makes him want to pull his hair out. He thinks about going to Buck’s instead, but Taylor might be there and the thought of having to play nice with her is even worse. So. He pulls his phone out. 

The text from Buck is still there, mocking him. He swipes it away. Pulls up his conversation with Linda instead. 

Eddie, 8:31 AM: got any more baking tiktoks?

He stares at his phone for at least ten minutes, but she doesn’t respond. He texts May next. 

Eddie, 8:43 AM: what was that thing from ikea called again?

She doesn’t answer either. And– Eddie gets it. It’s early. He knows she has a tendency to stay up too late. She’s probably not even awake. 

But fuck, Eddie could use a friend who doesn’t know him well enough to know that something’s wrong. 

Something’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong. He’s fine. So… so maybe he just needs to prove that. Maybe he just needs a slip of paper and a decent night’s sleep and then Bobby will let him come back. Eddie texts Bobby a quick apology, then digs through his contacts for Frank’s office. 

He’s fine. He’ll prove it.

[findsilver]

Paul is definitely no angel and definitely had his social missteps, but when his male contemporaries (including Stu, to some degree) hate on him without defining why, I tend to chalk it up to jealousy. Two prominent Beatles authors admitted to hating Paul ‘cuz he was so popular with the ladies. And we have audio of John admitting how jealous he was of Paul. It was a huge factor in ending their partnership.

Honestly, I agree! Sadly, it’s very easy to feel envious of someone if you’re incredibly insecure as a person, and John definitely was; whether it was due to his untreated mental illness or rejection and abandonment he suffered as a child, or it just being a part of his personality. I know from personal experience it doesn’t matter how much people praise and admire you, if you hate yourself, there’s very little they can do besides giving you a short-lived gratification. As for these other people, I’ve always believed they’ve romanticized the hell out of John because of his bravado, failing to realize that he used it to cover up his own insecurities and fears. He was the one that said all these outrageous things they had no courage to say themselves, and since he had given them the opportunity to suck up to him greatly, he used them to exorcise his own demons. It helped that they lined up with their own interests, since it was easy to feel inadequate when somebody who did not fully match their expectations of masculinity managed to be so successful anyway.

The thing is, I believe John loved Paul a lot. I think they cared for each other a great deal mutually, but John simply couldn’t distance himself from the overwhelming feeling of envy, which only got worse when he was feeling impotent artistically, while Paul was dropping one hit after another. It failed to register for him that just because Paul was doing well, it didn’t mean he was any less talented than he used to be; it failed to register that he was less inclined to create probably because he was depressed and too fucked up on drugs to do it. It was easy to grow resentment towards the partner that suddenly stood taller, and perhaps he had always felt this fear that Paul would stand taller, from the moment they met and he pointed out John’s guitar was tuned all wrong. It was good to share this passion and dream with him, great that Paul wanted to create with him, but this fear spiked occasionally, like it did around the breakup and after, like it did in Hamburg with the artsy crowd.

The sad part is that it’s easy to feel envious of Paul, because it seems like he’s so grand and has gifts beyond what a normal person is ‘supposed’ to possess. So perhaps he can’t act very well, but he’s incredibly attractive, desired by many, he has charm, his musical genius is just one of the many talents he has, he’s also a great artist and somebody who has been deeply involved in art over the years. He has managed to create a solid family unit and had a long-lasting successful marriage in a world where that’s a rarity, his solo career turned out to be by far the most successful of them all despite being slandered in the press, not just commercially, but because he had a nose for business and preserved his fortune the best of the four of them. He’s a professional, hardworking person who has an impeccable work ethic, especially compared to his other music pals who often proved to be unreliable. He was deemed shallow simply because he liked some more optimistic themes in music, as if it was the only thing he’s ever done, but they were catchy and loved by the public, and frankly he was also no less politically conscious than John, he just didn’t go around shouting about it.

In retrospect, it seems like a lot, doesn’t it? Suddenly, it becomes less surprising that Paul must have felt so large to John, who felt small inside, and thus tried to drag Paul back to his level. Here comes what I believe is a recurring theme of their trouble to ever be on the same page at the same time. See, they knew each other on so many levels, in ways we could never even pretend to know, and yet John still put Paul on an imaginary pedestal, while others put him on one instead. John was insecure, so naturally someone like Paul, so gifted and yet scared of imperfection with all the high expectations placed on him, suddenly seemed so grand, but was actually just a person. A talented one, yes, but a person with his own faults and warts, who’s done plenty of mistakes, had his own share of troubles and losses. I’ve always believed Paul was a very insecure person too, he just internalized it in a true northern fashion instead.

I think John demonized Paul’s talent and success a bit despite working with him for years, despite loving it and loving him, and Paul making it without him only confirmed his fears that he never needed him to be successful in the first place, that he could have made it without him just the same. But I don’t think it was as much about Paul, as it was John’s own issues. As for Paul, what else was he supposed to do when it felt like everyone turned on him? He loved music, he could hardly imagine doing anything else. With his talent, of course he ended up being successful; of course he ended up proving the rest of them wrong regardless of what the press would say about him. Sad part of it all is that I’ve always believed Paul was a team person at heart. He said it himself, Linda said it. He did well as a solo act, but he was just as eager to share the spotlight, and I think he desperately wanted to work with John again, given that he was dedicated to the best possible product, and he knew that what they had was magic. But I don’t even think that was the main reason, I think he just missed sharing the creative process with someone who was on his level, which is something he considered John to be, but John had trouble internalizing it.