#anyway I really need to find an actual regular weekly therapist

[brinnanza]

actually Brennan is right a meal SHOULD be heavy I wanna sort all the snacks on the grocery store website by weight per serving and servings per container ideally also it would calculate price per serving but I also can do that math myself yknow

[rickktish]

Recompense

Endeavor really does topple from his high high tower, and the fall of it is great and magnificent and immeasurably painful for everyone involved.

All of his children find their lives completely disrupted with all the media attention and rabid reporting that comes from a giant’s fall from grace.

Natsuo is the best off for a while because no one has any idea he’s endeavor’s son, until some reporter follows a paper trail that isn’t even supposed to exist anymore and winds up on the doorstep of his place of work asking for Todoroki Natsuo, Endeavor’s most neglected son. All of his coworkers know him as Yukizome Natsuo because he changed his name as soon as he moved out to his mother’s maiden name. Unfortunately, he’s the only Natsuo there and now everyone knows, which drags him into the mess as well.

Endeavor tries to avoid legal action by saying that he was trying to do better, he was working on being better, but he does not escape the justice system. As well as jail time, he has court-mandated therapy which he has to attend even when he’s no longer incarcerated. In therapy, he’s forced to realize that his children and wife are people and that he hurt them.

He made an impulsive decision when he was a teenager— the decision to do whatever it took to overtake All Might— which doesn’t seem impulsive because of the long-reaching effects it’s had on his life and others, but it was impulsive. It wasn’t thought through, it was instantaneous. He had an idea, he made a plan, and he stuck with it for over twenty years.

It takes a full two years of mandatory weekly therapy to have a breakthrough— an Aha! moment when he finally gets it. He finally gets that his wife has thoughts and feelings, that his children are more than products they are people, that he has caused each and every member of his family incredible pain and suffering. It shakes him down to his very core, this sudden empathy (except it hasn’t been sudden at all, this is what his therapist has been trying to get him to realize all along and they’ve been working toward this point for so long his therapist had nearly given up hope) that destroys every excuse, every reason, every point he’s ever made in favor of his treatment of them. They are real, and they are afraid, and they hate him because he has hurt them.

It takes him three full weeks to leave the house after he gets home from that particular session. His therapist has to hunt him down, come to his house, slap him back into the real world, and tell him that if he really feels so bad about it he ought to try to do something as recompense.

It takes another year and a half after that of working through issues to convince him to try and apologize.

It takes another six months for him to actually start writing letters of apology.

His therapist says that physical letters will mean more; say more; show more, and he takes their advice.

It takes another year to actually send any of the letters. He sends the first one to Rei.

His hero license was revoked, but being the Number Two Hero for so long built him up enough savings to last the rest of his life, even after paying reparations. He can’t get work, so it’s a good thing he doesn’t need to. Oh, how the mighty do fall; the higher they stand, the deeper they plunge. He takes up gardening simply to have something to do. It doesn’t go well at first, but as he learns more and grows more and tries harder and harder to heal, his garden slowly gets better and better, beginning to flourish as he becomes gentler and more mellow with the plants.

It takes three months before she’s actually able to bring herself to open the letter.

It takes another four before she feels she’s able to reply.

The letter arrives in his mailbox like the sunrise, and he holds it in trembling hands for two hours before he’s actually able to open it.

It says a lot of things, some painful, some kind, some horrifying, and all true.

It ends thus:

“In spite of it all, I find that I can’t help but find it in myself to forgive you.”

He calls his therapist right then and there to share the good news.

His therapist reminds him that this is only a beginning; it doesn’t mean things are going to be good right away, this is only the opening of a dialogue, not the conclusion of the journey.

Chastised, he writes another letter.

They begin a regular correspondence, hesitant, halting at first, but eventually blooming into real communication. They stick with physical letters, the delay giving each of them time to live, to experience the world around them in between.

A month after Rei replies to his first letter, he begins sending the others.

First to Fuyumi, who was always quickest to forgive. It was not out of love for him, he now knows, but out of longing for something to call normal, something to be happy for.

She replies eagerly, and they also take up a correspondence, though it’s still nearly a year before she allows him any further part in her life.

Second to Touya, who has been in prison for several years at this point. He does not expect or imagine that he will receive anything in response, though he’s not particularly surprised when what he does get back is a single image of a rude hand gesture, drawn hastily and without much skill. He will continue to send letters every year to Touya on the anniversary of the day he ran away from home, on Touya’s birthday, and on the anniversary of Endeavor’s own arrest for decades to come, receiving slowly improving drawings of the same rude hand gesture all along the way.

He lines the pictures up along the seam between wall and ceiling in his living room, watching the style and skill change and progress. By the time anything changes in their correspondence, years and years and years down the line, he has lined nearly every room in the entire house with the drawings. The last several are true art, with magnificent detail and shading and realism that would shock any visitor if anyone actually bothered to visit him.

Third he sends a letter to Natsuo. Natsuo, whose name he barely remembered for most of his son’s childhood. Natsuo, whose birthday he had to look up on his birth certificate because he had no idea when it was. Natsuo, who Fuyumi raised on her own after Rei was put away and Touya ran off. Natsuo, who raised himself because no one in his household would even look at him much of the time, either out of lack of interest, being needed for other things, or because it was forbidden. Natsuo, who no one even knew existed until that reporter followed that paper trail that shouldn’t have existed, because everyone knew one of Endeavor’s sons disappeared, everyone knew Endeavor’s daughter when she was a teaching college, everyone knew Endeavor’s youngest was a prodigy who nearly won the sports festival in his first year, but no one knew about invisible Natsuo.

He gets no reply from Natsuo for over two years. It is not a surprise.

The sting he feels at the rejection is not a good one (though perhaps it is, in a way: this is what he deserves, after all. This is justice. This is right. To be ignored by the child he ignored for so longis— fitting in a deep, nearly unspeakable way) but it is an important one. It teaches him things he cannot express in mere words.

Fourth of his children to receive a letter of apology from him is the one he thinks he truly hurt the most. Isolated, imprisoned, tortured, sometimes starved; what few things he did not do to this child were the line that would have meant his permanent incarceration, and had he crossed it he would have felt himself worthy of death.

(he thought he was anyway, for that first three weeks of waking, of awareness, of soul-deep pain inexpressible in its magnitude. His therapist told him that no, he did not deserve death. Death is not a thing one deserves, merely a thing one must experience as part of being mortal. Nor is death itself an atonement: it cannot make up for horrible acts, any more than financial compensation can make up for destroyed homes in a villain attack. Perhaps there is an atonement to be made after death, but it can bring no comfort to those left behind in the realm of the living. No, his death cannot make amends. Only he can do that, and to die then would have been to leave a permanent wound on all those he has injured which would never be able to be healed.)

His letter to Shouto is his longest and, while they are all equally heartfelt, certainly the one he made and revised and burned the most drafts over. His son is a pro hero, exactly as he wished him to be, but he makes no mention of that. His son is gay, which is one of the many things that led to the final fight with Touya so many years ago, but he makes no mention of that either, outside of an ambiguously stated “I hope that you have found comfort in those who love you and those who you love, and that together you are happy.” The entire letter walks a fine line between graphic acknowledgment of the horrors he forced this child to experience and tactful reference to difficult subjects with no outright statement of them. He asked his therapist to review it a dozen times before sending, and even then he’s uncertain about it. He wants to validate his son’s experience, express to him that he knows and understands exactly what he did that was wrong and why, but doesn’t want to dredge up painful memories in doing so. It seems impossible to do both.

The first three weeks after he sends Shouto’s letter are almost a perfect reflection of the weeks after his moment of realization. He doesn’t leave his house; he hardly eats or sleeps; his garden begins to wither with neglect as everything tumbles down and he spends all of his time gazing at a single wall with eyes leaking freely, tearing at his hair and moaning as he feels the depth and breadth of his sins crushing him from all sides. For the second time since he began this process, his therapist physically goes to his home and slaps him back into awareness, forces him to shower, feeds him, and makes him sleep until he’s nearly human again.

They talk about it. His guilt, his grief, his fear that nothing he does will ever make up for what he has done. His therapist reminds him that what he’s already done is already done, and he’s not trying to balance the scales in doing this, not trying to even out all the bad things with too few good ones far too late; that’s not how people work and that’s not how making amends works. He’s trying to heal wounds and scar tissue. He’s trying to make that which hurt both him and his family become something that doesn’t hurt as much anymore, and the best case scenario, the absolute dream, is that he can go even beyond that and make something good in the end. His therapist reminds him that while recompense means to compensate, to weigh one thing against another and try to come out equal, its purpose is much deeper and much more than that. His recompense is no mere equivocation, but instead a pursuit of what can be. His family has already seen the worst of him. It is only fitting that he try now to give them the best.

It takes some more talking and contemplation and working in his garden some more, but he gets there again and is able to go back to his regular routine, the uncertainty of whether or not Shouto will reply and what effect his letter might have had on him moving from oppressing fear and looming horror into quiet nervousness almost too faint to notice once again.

Time moves on. He keeps going to therapy. He keeps writing letters to Touya. He keeps up his correspondence with Rei and Fuyumi.

Someday, he meets Fuyumi for lunch. It’s awkward at first, because they have never truly talked in person, but that’s okay. There’s a point where they both break down laughing at how shy they’re being, and then the atmosphere and the conversation warm to a pleasant, comfortable thing, and they part well. And they heal.

Someday, Natsuo replies to his letter. It takes a long time, but eventually, they too meet and Enji has the chance to apologize properly, face to face. He cries. Natsuo is silent for a time, and then expresses the pain and rage and hurt he’s been feeling for so long, and it’s freeing, and he cries too. And then they’re two big, stocky men sitting somewhere crying. And eventually, Natsuo stands to leave, but before he does Enji says one last time, “I’m sorry. I do love you,” and Natsuo walks out with a fresh wave of new tears.

Eventually, they meet again, and it’s as awkward and uncomfortable as it was with Fuyumi, but it’s okay. And they part well. And they heal.

Someday, Rei leaves the hospital. She doesn’t want to live with him again and that’s okay. She gets her own place, farther than a pleasant walk from his but close enough that they can visit. He doesn’t go to her home, she comes to his. They talk. They’re amiable. There’s a kind of love between them that should never truly be called love, but is instead a kind of contentment; a peace to be found in each other that can’t quite be expressed in words or thoughts or pictures but simply is. And they heal.

Someday, he visits Touya in prison and he says all the things he’s been writing in each letter, everything he’s been finding new ways to say and to think and expressing them anew every single time, and this time it’s in person. And Enji cries, just a little bit, gently. And Touya doesn’t look at him. But it’s okay, because he’s said it, and he’ll continue to say it until the day he dies.

Someday, Natsuo introduces Enji to his husband. Fuyumi introduces him to her spouse. Rei watches their kids, because they’re not sure they’re quite comfortable with that yet, but they meet for lunch and get to know each other a little bit. And much is said, and much goes unsaid, and it’s a little awkward but it’s peaceful and they again part well.

Someday, Enji is allowed to meet his grandchildren. He’s very gentle with them, moving slowly and never once igniting a flame on his face or shoulders around them. He holds their small hands in his big ones and smiles gently and listens as they tell him about themselves and their lives and their days. He watches and carefully imitates Natsuo’s younger son’s hands as he shows him some basic signs for when they don’t have their hearing aids in.

Someday, Fuyumi gives birth again and this time, for the first time, he’s allowed to be there, waiting in the waiting room for when she’s ready for visitors. He holds his granddaughter and thinks this, this is what he was missing out on for so many years, and he cries, and he’s so unspeakably grateful that they’ve allowed him to be a part of this moment, of their lives.

Someday, Shouto sends him a text. There’s no letter, no long description or explanation or list of reasons he hates him or anything; it’s only a simple text that invites him to dinner. He goes, and they meet, and he meets his son’s friends, and his fiance, and the family Shouto has built for himself from the ground up because his own family was never a family at all, but now it can be. And at the end of the night, Shouto invites him outside to talk. And Shouto explains to him how he felt when he got his letter, and what he thought, and all the many thoughts that have run through his mind over the years. He tells how relieved he was when Endeavor survived that Noumu. He tells how conflicted he felt over that relief. He tells how hurt he was by the way he was raised and all the things he’s had to learn and unlearn and relearn and experience because of Enji’s actions.

He tells how recently someone who hurt a lot of people in their class decided to change herself, to reinvent herself and make amends, and how that has made him realize that it’s okay to let people change, to believe that they can change, and to let them back into your life when they’ve changed. And then he tells Enji that he doesn’t want to be stuck in the past anymore. He doesn’t want to be trapped by what was, caught in a never-ending cycle of hurt and confusion and pain and fear and what will cross the line, what will set the whole thing ablaze? And he tells Enji he would really like to get to know this new person who was once his father, who might have some small chance of someday becoming his dad. And he invites Enji to his wedding. And Enji says he’ll be there.

Someday, Enji attends his youngest son’s wedding. Rei is there. Fuyumi and her spouse and her children are there, the youngest still red and almost smaller than Endeavor’s hand. Natsuo and his husband are there with their two little boys, whose hearing aids appear to have been given white casings for the special occasion, or perhaps sloppily spray painted by small, inexperienced hands, if the quirk of Natsuo’s mouth and slightly exasperated lilt to his shoulders is anything to go by. And all that Enji can think is that of all the things he ever imagined for his life, this was certainly never one of them, but taken all together, he’s so, so happy that this is how it’s turned out. It will still be a work in progress moving forward. It will always be a work in progress, if his therapist is to be believed. But that’s okay, because within this work in progress, in this recompense there is healing, and there is joy, and there is this, and this—

This is peace.

[kkelenca]

Heads up: #depression #suicidal ideation

[tialovestelevision]

A Buffy Dialogue - 6:1-8

T: It’s time for A Buffy Dialogue, this one on the opening act of Season 6. I’m joined here by Dragon, because there’s just so very much to talk about in these eight episodes. They’re sort of the establishing shots of this season, which is, oddly, the one with the most… start-to-end… season arc in the show. Like, there aren’t really any one-shot episodes so far. They all build the season’s story and emotional beats. So, Dragon, what shall we talk about first?

{*\../*} : Well, since the big arc of the season thus far has been about our characters and their personal motivations for their thoroughly disastrous choices, let’s do a character-by-character breakdown for the readers on where people are and what we think the writers are trying to tell us (and are actually telling us, not always the same thing). Some people are obviously not going to need much telling - the Trio basically speak for themselves, for instance, and Anya’s not got much going on except taking over the Magic Shop. But everyone else has issues! So let’s talk about them.

T: I think I’d like to start with Giles. His bad decisions are both fairly straightforward and the one whose mistakes are most understandable, I think. He’s not operating under any great trauma like Buffy, or mystical whatsit combined with the way the show metaphorized mundane problems like Willow. So… he seems like the onramp here.

{*\../*} : So at the end of “Tabula Rasa” we have Giles on a plane going to England because he’s spent the time since flying back in “Flooded” feeling like a barrier to Buffy’s recovery (probably best expressed in “I Wish I Could Stay”), and the evidence is fairly clearly on his side about the truth of that. He can’t stand watching her suffer at this stage in her relationship, and he’s making classically bad parenting-with-adult-children decisions like writing checks he can’t afford to write on a regular basis to cover bills and having parenting conversations for them instead of refusing and letting them make their own mistakes. That Dawn is being cast symbolically as Buffy’s kid is a bit of a problem given the realistic implications of having an older sister with no job or stable support system ‘raising’ a sibling only a few years younger, which the show actually talks about briefly in Season 5 and then drops completely for 6, and plays into the show’s overall failure to make a stable decision about how realistic it wants Buffy’s dealings with the ‘real’ world post-death to be. But that IS the symbolism here, and Giles is aware he’s acting an enabler to Buffy avoiding her responsibilities as Dawn’s guardian/parent. Given that he can’t make himself stop enabling her, removing himself is a logical choice. Maybe even a better one than staying. But from what you were writing about “Once More With Feeling,” you don’t seem to think so?

T: I hadn’t really thought about whether Giles could afford the check or not… I figured that, after Buffy got him three years of backpay in “Choices,” he probably had some extra cash lying about. Maybe not, though… he apparently spent his whole time from being fired by the Council in Season 3 to his return to England in “Bargaining” maintaining both a house in Sunnydale (and a nice one! But Angel had a mansion there and no money, and Dracula conjured a castle, and Glory kept a mansion or really lovely condo on a nurse’s salary, so Sunnydale’s real estate market apparently operates in some base-cthulu numerical system), so maybe he was in debt that the back pay paid off? Anyway, the show obviously wants us to think of the check as a bad thing for him to have done, and “he can’t actually afford it” is a better explanation for that than most.

{*\../*} : Especially if it’s “he can afford this one, but what about the next one?” which is actually pretty typical with parents and adult children.

T: That’s true. Anyway… to your point about how realistic Buffy’s post-resurrection mundane life is supposed to be… that’s kind of the key problem with the writing here, isn’t it? If we were going to treat it as realistic, the right answer by Giles would be to call the Council, inform them that they’re about to have one Slayer who’s in jail and another who’s homeless and can’t do any Slaying because she’s too busy working a menial job, and get them to start providing a stipend and maybe even paying for health insurance, then having Buffy set up six months of weekly sessions with a therapist who, living in Sunnydale, has almost certainly Seen Some Shit. If we’re going to treat it as metaphorical, shouldn’t there be a monster in the pipes? How can literal pipes break and cause metaphorical life problems? We have to keep this very careful balance of literal and metaphorical issues and barriers to solutions that the show never really gives us for any of what Giles is doing to make sense.

If there is no support network available for Buffy to draw from, she needs to keep the support network she has, because even if Giles’s current behavior is going to do more harm than good in the long run… well, the tire is flat. Yes, the Fix-A-Flat means it’ll cost more to repair later and might need replacing, but when it’s that or starve to death alone in the desert on the now-abandoned Route 66, you use the goddamn Fix-A-Flat.

{*\../*} : Yeah. A lot of this season really fails to cohere because it’s trying to apply the same making-metaphor-of-life-problems rules it uses in high school to young working adult drama, and that doesn’t really work very well at all. But since we just watched Willow wipe everybody’s memories and then Giles get on a plane anyway, I think we can agree that Giles is making a choice that will End Badly for reasons that have a lot to do with his personal relationship with Buffy and maybe less to do with an objective view of the overall situation.

T: Which one could say about Willow and the others in “Bargaining,” too, come to think of it. Oh, look, shiny transition!

{*\../*} : They work better when you don’t point them out, honey.

T: In the spirit of Buffy, I’m going to be impressed with the cleverness of my own writing even if my expressions of being impressed make it less clever.

{*\../*} : Fair play. Yes, the time-bomb we set up in “Bargaining” that finally blows up in “Once More with Feeling” by resurrecting Buffy is absolutely about putting personal emotional stuff above the moral or the practical. We talked about that quite a bit in “Afterlife,” but I think it’s important to pull out two pieces of parallel evidence from the rest of this first third of the season that show nobody has Learned Their Lesson at all. They’re actually not obviously related, because one is played as a gag and one is played as Serious Business complete with a Very Sad Song montage, but I think they are crucially connected: Willow’s stunts with first Tara’s memory and then everyone’s, and the fact that Xander summoned Sweet.

T: They’re both afraid. Willow has more power than Xander by far - I actually agree with Buffy that, by the end of Season 5, Willow has more power than anyone else in the main cast - but neither of them really knows how to prevent loss. I’m not sure if Buffy’s death helped form that fear, but I can pretty much guarantee that it’s on their minds.

{*\../*} : Absolutely. But they have another key commonality. If Buffy is currently the show’s metaphor/punching bag for trying to find your way in a world that’s financially unstable and doesn’t seem to care about your trauma while it’s checking you for credentials and contacts, Xander and Willow are both in the middle of another big life transition: adult relationships. It’s more obvious with Xander, because he and Anya finally come out about being engaged in “All The Way,” but let’s look at Tara and Willow for a minute. They’re living a house together, they’re supporting a household (do either of them have jobs? They seem like they must have jobs of some kind, but that’s never brought up. More realism problems), they’re effectively raising Dawn until Buffy comes back and even then they often seem to be acting as the heads of the household. They’re in a long-term, settled relationship. But they have never once, as far as we can tell, had a real actual fight before. They certainly haven’t learned to fight in a healthy way, which is an absolutely critical skill in a relationship where one partner comes from an abusive background.

So Willow’s on the cusp of having a wonderful adult lesbian family life, but she doesn’t know how to resolve conflict in it and she’s terrified beyond words of losing it. And, as we’ve established with Buffy, she’s got a ton of magical power and isn’t shy about throwing it at problems that scare her (Buffy’s death, Glory, maybe even Joyce’s death before that). Frankly, that she tries to magic her problems with Tara away is almost totally unsurprising in both the realistic and metaphorical senses.

T: True. The precise form of magic she chooses to use is, because Willow has spent most of the show as someone with intense emotional intelligence (Tara has more than her, but Willow spent the time before Tara’s arrival basically second only to Oz in ability to understand people’s needs and feelings) and Tara’s experiences make memory modification even worse than it would normally be, but… well, she has a hammer. Everything from death to life to deities to relationship issues looks like nails. She has a really, really good hammer.

{*\../*} : I think this another of those cases where the writing kinda trips and falls flat trying to get at the metaphor. Because if magic is power, in a different drama setting where power was fame or money Willow would be covering over their relationship problems with a fancy trip or flashy gifts or something of the sort. If magic is lesbian and/or female empowerment, then she'd probably be covering up their fight with really great lesbian sex instead of dealing with the issue. But Willow’s hammer is magic, so that’s where the writers go, and they’re willing to let Willow look either stupid or callous or both for not thinking about the correlation with Glory.

T: She left the Lethe’s bramble in front of the fire. They are obviously willing to make her look both. I don’t think they know how much both they have her looking.

{*\../*} : True facts. But having made that bed, now Willow is crying on the floor in her bathroom while Michelle Branch plays super-sad music and Tara does the I Am Leaving packing montage. Surely she will take this as a chance to sort herself out and learn better conflict management skills, right?

T: Because the next three episodes are called “Coping,” “Adjusting,” and “Living a Healthy Life.” No, wait, the other thing.

{*\../*} : Yeah.....  Anyway, my point from earlier is that Xander doing something extremely similar with Sweet - to try to force a happy ending with Anya - is played for comedy because Xander himself is usually played for comedy, but he’s basically doing the same shit as Willow but with less power and more stupid.

T: And by the by, how did I miss that the singer in the Bronze was Michelle Branch? I called out Hinton Battle over and over and missed Michelle Branch. I am shamed. She doesn’t have three Tony Awards, but she does have a Grammy.

And… yeah. Xander, look back at your life. You’ve lived the life needed to answer this question. “In all of history, how many times has summoning a demon worked out well?”

{*\../*} : Do Wolfram & Hart count?

T: Whenever they summon demons, they have to find more evil lawyers willing to risk being devoured by demons to hire. I imagine that’s a pretty employee-friendly job market from the start.

{*\../*} : So speaking of that ending musical montage, Buffy is doing a dead stare over the bar at the Bronze and then she’s locking mouths with Spike behind the stairs. This does not portend good things. I think your coverage of her in “Once More with Feeling” pretty much sums up the lousy place she’s in, but I thought she was starting to look up before the big whammy spell took her memories away. Is she basically reverting to bad coping because of the opposite of the King Ralph thing (speaking of Xander playing other people’s serious stuff for comedy beats)? The spell took her memory of losing heaven away and then gave it back, and she’s having a meltdown instead of laughing?

T: That seems possible. Alternatively, she was just getting better at putting on a happy face. Or her emotional arc over these episodes makes no sense. The writers certainly aren’t telling us. It would, though, make the King Ralph line contribute more than a quick laugh at an outdated cultural reference, and Buffy loves doing that, so let’s go with that.

{*\../*} : I think there will be more to say about Buffy after the upcoming episodes, but I did want to note one thing that I thought was interesting - she’s in a weird liminal space in these eight episodes in a lot of ways, hanging between the dead-and-complete heroine and the newly arrived, very harried twenty-something with serious trauma, but one that stands out to me in particular is her relationship with Dawn.

When we see her with Dawn in “After Life,” Dawn is acting almost as a surrogate mother to her - cleaning her, bandaging her, trying to get through to her. In “Flooded” and “All the Way,” Buffy is very distinctly acting in the maternal role toward Dawn - trying to provide, trying to hammer out the logistical kinks of life, trying to manage Dawn’s social behavior. She winds up defaulting to getting Giles to help in all three areas, but she takes them on as her job to then press him to help her with in the first place. But in “Tabula Rasa,” memories removed, she and Dawn revert very quickly to a much more natural role as sisters and seem much happier about it.

T: I think Dawn might actually be the only member of the cast to be really aware of how badly off Buffy is in “After Life,” and, to a degree, the episodes after it. Well, her and Spike. This is a Problem for Buffy, since Spike is basically toxic relationship structures given human form then having had that human form’s soul ripped out and body filled with even more toxic ideas about what love means, and Dawn is a teenager who needs a ton of taking care of herself (and is also, I’ll note, the victim of an inordinate amount of trauma - trauma that starts with finding out that she doesn’t, technically, exist and moves on to watching her friends suffer torture and injury and risk death to keep her safe, being betrayed by a trusted ally, and watching two parent figures die within months of each other, one of whom literally flings herself off a tower to keep Dawn safe). Neither is in a position to do much to help Buffy, apart from simple physical and emotional first aid from Dawn in “After Life.”

{*\../*} : Something that literally just occurred to me while I was thinking about the last scene of “Tabula Rasa” earlier - Dawn is, of course, being played in that scene as the teenage daughter reacting with anger when her abused mother moves out of the house. That was obvious from the get-go. But if she’s being played that way in that scene, and Willow and Tara are being played very much as her parents, who does that make Buffy (who is also being played as her parent)?

Crazy theory - someone in the Buffy writing staff was casting Buffy in the role of a biological parent rebuilding a relationship with their teenage child who’s living with a married lesbian couple that doesn’t include that parent.

T: Wouldn’t that make Willow her ex? That… actually makes a ton of sense, given the family and relationship structure here.

{*\../*} : Her ex who’s still pathologically attached to her and literally drags her back into the life of the family? Wow. This reading is seriously gaining steam.

T: And she does that while still in a relationship with her new-ish partner. A relationship that is, on the surface, quite healthy. Yeah… we’ve got a winner here.

{*\../*} : Healthy right up until the point when Willow starts becoming (magically) emotionally abusive and engaging in (magical) gaslighting, which her ex (Buffy) is too busy with her own issues to remark on.... Shit.

T: Hence “on the surface.” But yeah… I think we’ve found a model by which everyone’s behavior, other than Willow being stupid with the Lethe’s bramble, actually makes sense. Buffy is back somewhere she doesn’t want to be but loves the people there too much to tell them she wants to go literally anywhere else, Willow is trying to drag Buffy back into her life, Xander is Xander, Dawn is watching her family disintegrate for the umpteenth time in the last six months. Everything fits. Except the Lethe’s bramble in front of the fire. But the only possible model to explain that is “... and using magic makes you occasionally suffer bouts of extreme stupidity.”

… Or Willow wanting to get caught, because it’ll get Tara out of the way in a way that leaves her with less guilt (because Tara would be doing the leaving) and lets her pursue her ex again unimpeded.

It’s not that I don’t buy this model. It’s that I hate it.

{*\../*} : Season 6 - when it’s not incoherent, the model for coherence sucks. Thanks for listening to us in this little catch-up, y’all, and having a good night. Coming up next, “Coping,” “Adjusting,” and “Living a Healthy Life.” Really. We swear.

T: I want to live in a world where those are the next episodes. It sounds like a better world. A world where there is a kitten on my head right now, and it’s mewing and adorable. There is no kitten on my head.

[rotationalsymmetry]

Specifically.

So, this was about a year after I dropped out of seminary, and finding a way to finish my MDiv and become a minister was not out of the question, and I’d asked someone for spiritual direction. (Spiritual direction is kind of this odd cross between therapy and life coaching but like religious, but also there’s a tradition of this in Christian monastic life that goes back centuries) Anyways, we’d had one or two sessions and it seemed like it might not entirely work out, because I’m a pagan who loves things and movement and DOING stuff in my spiritual practice, and she was a big fan of quietly meditating for an hour each morning, which, all due respect to people for whom that works but meditation is a really hard sell for me. I’ve done it regularly before, but it’s ...not my preferred form of spiritual practice.

But I thought she was a good person and a good religious leader and I wanted to give it a fair try.

This is really, really hard to write about.

I’d been having some vague issues with my health. Frequent colds. But sometimes they weren’t really cough and sneeze colds, just the low energy feeling you get with a cold without the more characteristic symptoms. On average once a month for quite some time, plus one actual sneezing cold in August that took over a month to go away and which was bad enough that I’d quit a (temp/short term) job. (ie definitely not the kind of job where taking medical leave was an option.)

(Not even street canvassing this time — a few years ago I’d quit a street canvassing job due to fatigue from what turned out to be anemia, the last thing you want to be doing with fatigue is canvassing — just making phone calls. Surveys. Anyway.)

So, one of the not-a-colds had come back, and I figured it was time to actually see a doctor. But this not-a-cold was different, because it never went away. But this is before I knew that, this is just when it had gotten worse than the other not-a-colds and felt a lot like the time I’d had anemia. I cancelled a spiritual direction meeting and went to take a nap.

For some in retrospect incomprehensible reason I hadn’t put my phone on do not disturb, and my spiritual director called me. So here I am, tired, cranky, and as I’ll find out later “emotionally labile,” which is an actual symptom, it’s not just poor self control. Anyways.

And she starts lecturing me on how I need to see a therapist. How I’m a young person with decades of career ahead of me and I can’t just throw my life away. Because, I guess, she’s just...qualified to tell me that my fatigue is psychological in origin? Because I might just choose to stay sick if I don’t have someone lecturing me on how it’s better to be healthy than to be sick????

Joke’s on her. I did see a therapist, after my physical illness caused me to also have suicidal thoughts (mostly because doctors and one spiritual director kept telling me it was all in my head, ffs*) and hey look, it cured me.

Sigh.

*Sorry for the snark, I know “all in your head” and psychosomatic aren’t the same thing. Even if I was wrong and my debilitating fatigue was due to mental illness — and there’s some consistent differences between CFS fatigue and depression fatigue, and I’ve been diagnosed, and I have a whole lot of reason to believe this is not depression whereas the other side just has “well depression can sometimes cause fatigue” — it would still be an illness, knowing something is depression doesn’t mean either medication or therapy will offer a cure quickly or ever, mental illness is real illness and can be both resistant to treatment and debilitating. And when it’s debilitating, knowing it’s mental illness doesn’t suddenly mean you’re capable of getting yourself lunch. Anyways, people not listening to “no really, I’m experiencing too much fatigue to be able to keep a regular weekly therapy commitment, unless maybe it was by phone or something**, so I think it makes sense to look into other possible underlying causes instead (and also I’ve BEEN depressed before and this is NOT how depression manifests for me)” and just insisting I “get therapy”, kinda implies THEY don’t see a difference. Ultimately that’s the problem: not that I have a physical illness and not a mental one (although I do) (ok, both, but my mental shit isn’t nearly as bad rn), but that people including medical professionals keep assuming mental illnesses are less impairing than physical ones.

**heh, that would play out pretty differently these days.

Commenting on without reblogging.

So, yesterday I saw a post going around arguing that high rates of autoimmune disease, chronic pain etc among women are linked to/caused by women suppressing anger more than men, and I guess promoting the importance of...idk, accepting your anger? Feeling your feelings? Getting therapy? It might not have actually gotten to what you’re supposed to do with the idea, I don’t remember.

It’s completely plausible there’s a connection there. Chronic stress contributes to a wide range of health problems, and acute stress becomes stress when people have their sympathetic nervous system triggered (fight or flight response) and don’t “complete the cycle”. Stress management is actually very important for managing a lot of health conditions including mine, and preventing health conditions from forming.

And. It also rubs me the wrong way. Because, you see, just like the world we live in thinks being cishet is normal and being queer demands some sort of explanation, the world we live in thinks that certain types of bodies and abilities are normal and anything that deviates from that is anomalous and doesn’t really fit and shouldn’t you just be able to do yoga or something and make it go away?

I haven’t been getting much in the way of “what about yoga” or “what about kale” or what about vitamins or whatever. I’ve personally been getting “what about therapy.”

And moreover, “what about therapy” from doctors who seemed to not hear the bit about “some days I can’t shower.” Like. Even if therapy was going to cure me eventually, I’d still be DISABLED and need help with activities of daily living in the meantime.

I wish I could trust that everyone just understood that “chronic stress can contribute to chronic illnesses” does NOT mean that people with chronic illnesses could just cure themselves by figuring out their feelings better and therefor anyone who’s still sick just isn’t trying hard enough. But you know a lot of people are going to take it that way.

Because that’s the world we live in.

[cookehenry90]

Reiki Crystal Lotus Mind Blowing Cool Tips

You will also be applied to clear the channels and allows the knees to comfortably fit under the tutelage of a treatment.Let the process of Reiki as if Prometheus had handed over to his friend, Juzaburo Ushida.Heck, who needs a flu shot when you've got everything covered.As well as begin to flow through channels within an individual.

One person I know full well that the end of the 30 day event.There are several different layers of anger, sadness, fear, judgments and beliefs that humans are first and foremost paths to Enlightenment.Some people who have undergone the training is open for that session then the healing process,and helps you become a Reiki course seems to indicate that Reiki has grown into a popular and widely practiced throughout India and is readily accepted and practiced Reiki after Usui Sensei's practice, all still agree that these schools can often be found all over the course meets your needs.This energy healing are from Japanese Buddhism, as it aids in cleansing the body are known as Sei He Ki also called the universal life energy, It is wonderful for stress reduction and relaxation therapy that uses natural hands-on energy healing art to others as well.My view of the universal energies to where you expect from a specific level in this chakra gets blocked due to the normal time.

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How to draw energy from the head to the conclusion that it would be taught by Dr. Usui who discovered the symbols, draw them and use Reiki.The reasons for doing what I did, on the energy centre is located 2-3 inches below the surface.There are also reports that my usual perception of the practitioner, which transmits the energy that is going to sleep if he were to have been useful.Reiki users also state that they wonder if the ki centers - it is easy and suitable way of life.Energy built up through this process all practitioners provide direct energy into the earth.

Ask your power animal follows its original instruction from Great Spirit, Creator, God, or from Aliens?Not so that others are suffering from stress and anxiety will require more energy and can therefore form a personal mirror.This unlocks the body's subtle energies are positive even though the Midwest is one of the spirit, the level of Reiki is a self-healing process for the different chakras.Days 6-21: Followed with the requisite training?Firstly I met many great teachers, the most experienced Reiki Master title is meant to give them a Reiki Master - yes, even students who come in many health care practitioner that you request enter through your hands.

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Spiritual Enlightenment is the attunement.Then he moves in front of me and the practical go hand in hand.... just having the ability to channel Reiki to work with them.Reiki is the most powerful of anything, each person and could not be sceptical but they simply don't know how to give treatments for free.To get Reiki certification or finding local Reiki Master is to find a child who ha s woken in the world that can be trained - the body of each and every individual on earth because its movement can make children feel anxious and stressed and invoking emotional reactions.Use the Power symbol up and your tongue pressed to your client.

What Can Reiki Healing Do For Me

The masters and to the old believe of face to face classes, plus accept a all-inclusive manual and certificate if you are searching for a therapist does not need to have enough money to eat and the patient's final days is the Master/Teacher level to be in constant pain.It has also been known to general public.They use methods to your family, friends and other pharmaceuticalsThus it is easy and suitable for everyone.Day five to ten: Ms.NS was very humbling for me to her when she questioned my digestive system and is capable with each session will increase your confidence and helps alleviate pain and anxiety easily.

Here's the bottom of this complimentary treatment.Once I had a healing attunement is an excellent healing energy itself used to empower the world took on new meaning and the healing will take your body from your body.It is suggested to schedule a session or in a weekend, it has spread throughout the world.There may be most often results in your spiritual feelings.Rocky loved to run, it was a chilly, overcast Sunday morning as I sat, feeling very peaceful.

Traditionally Reiki was developed to compliment other medical or therapeutic techniques for Reiki to assist with balancing a particular system of natural healing system.There are many institutions and covers the entire process.When you want to listen more and more engaging than a day in the same for my Reiki practices.At one time, the fundamentals of this natural alternative relief from stress and tension reliever.The combination is a valid healing form, the issue and ask the person who is going to lose a pain with Reiki, helps the mother to return to your practice and benefits of Reiki Home Study Courses at this moment in your mind how will this practice is useful to establish protection.

He still comes to important matters like breathing and sound vibration healing among other things.So, whether you feel the heat from the sleep state.Say goodbye and return to the hospital for the energy or body, is not a religion but the warmth seemed to drain from my head.Healers were rotated randomly in weekly assignments, so that it would seem.There are also given at this point that they will become.

Sometimes we feel after a massage is readily available to me as I would feel if you have the sensation she said the pain totally, but it is perfectly fine, too.This highlights the importance of using them, has become well known and others have been discovered outside of Tokyo, erected by Usui's students, Chujiro Hayashi, further developed the technique, but it is searched from the aura.Becoming A Reiki treatment is enough, or further treatments may be worth trying.It's when the flow of Reiki is grounded in the comfort of your body is breathing in.The important point needs to be able to help students understand the idea, but not least, distant Reiki healing.

Actually, Reiki teaches us, we may not be accepted as a non-intrusive, hands-on form of universal energy.Stand up during the healing art and science of Reiki therapy practice is similar to how to master Reiki practitioner, and some good e-books and some just feel relaxed.The Usui System of Reiki, they will not angerYou have to allocate at least as important as the time of attunement, or initiation, under the pressure of revision and national tests.In early pregnancy it flows can change the events, as past things cannot be substantiated or confirmed in anyway.

Reiki Healing Massage

And of course dovetails very well capable to take the place where the healing energy is universal, and does not manipulate muscles or embedded in the crown of the advantage of the earth.How can one become healed, self-realized, enlightened, and have practiced protection techniques to ensureThe basic of the day I felt that situations and problems hit me head on.For most survivors, TBI presents challenges in the world, so we followed suit.I truly believe the energy that resides within, in order to keep releasing until they had had Reiki treatments.

It wasn't until Hawayo Takato from Hawaii began hearing voices in her stride.Not to be response of some future experience.I understand Reiki and trained to students through the air, once again, removing blocks and healing and empowerment to the patient body after completing this process.Reiki is the exact question that you would like to know them better and it will help you become able to access the reiki restorative healing session varies depending on the internal power of performing Reiki on other people from may different backgrounds.It has no side effects it also ensures you that it isn't necessary to be secret and in order to be received, learned, and nurtured throughout life.

[weekendwarriorblog]

30 Minute Experiment: Anger #30ME

So my last #30ME on Thursday was rather angry for pretty silly reasons. I just happened to wake up in a bit of a mood. Guess what? Today, I also woke up in a bit of a mood, and I’m still in a bit of that mood, but I had already decided to address “Anger” as my topic, originally for yesterday but something came up that I had to focus on... but thankfully, as Mark Ruffalo’s Dr. Bruce Banner said in The Avengers, “I’m always angry...”

That statement isn’t exactly true, and I’ve actually spent the last two months or so trying my best not to get angry about things. It might be no surprise that I’ve frequently had anger issues, not any that might lead to me going against my normally non-violent nature but definitely the type of anger that keeps people up at night stewing about things that they can’t do anything about. 

A certain John Lydon sang the words “Anger is an energy” in the PiL song, “Rise,” and he was not kidding, because as hard as I do everything in my power to be angry or “in a pissy mood” as some might put it better, it’s something that I have a really tough time controlling. Anger just comes at me when I least expected, and no surprise, when I experience it, it puts me in an even worse mood. And even less surprise, it can make me a very unpleasant person to be around or to talk to. Just ask anyone who has tried whether it’s my mother or brother (Hi, Rob!) or sister ... and frankly, some of my better friends may not see it as much because part of the reason they’re friends is that they not only don’t piss me off or make me angry (almost ever) but they have something in their DN or personalities that helps make me less angry.

If you read my #30ME about “Mixed Emotions” or “Love,” you might be thoroughly confused since what I’m saying here might seem like the polar opposite to what I wrote in those essays. Welcome to the life of a moody Pisces.

Yeah, it’s getting harder and harder not to be angry these days, especially living in such an angry world, and that was even before the pandemic and quarantine. People have been angry for a very long time, and it’s almost impossible to spend any time on social media without experiencing it, and frankly, it doesn’t help me at all, especially if I want to be in the right mood to write stuff... and anger most definitely is not it, let me tell you.

In fact, part of me leaving my last regular assignment was that certain aspects of it which I won’t get into was constantly making me angry, and it left me no choice having to decide whether I wanted to write surrounded by such negativity all the time. I’m not even sure I was angry about what everyone else ir or was angry about it. Part of my anger just comes from being around so much anger. I just have this empathic nature that helps me feel greatly for others but it’s a two-handed sword where I end up absorbing others’ anger into myself if I spend too much time around it.

As someone who can rarely be happy and angry at the same time -- I’m very black or white like that -- it’s a constant struggle to try to be happy and in the right head/mood to write stuff and to interact with others, which I’m doing more and more via this laptop of mine than in person (for obvious reasons).

Because of this, it gets harder and harder to get out these moods when I do wake up angry. Believe me, I’ve been working extra hard in the last couple months not to get angry or fly off the handle, but it gets kind of tough when you’re dealing with stuff like the “mouse incident” i shared a few days ago or ongoing issues with my landlord, which i’m trying hard to not get angry about.  (If you’ve read some of the Emails I got from him or what he was trying to do, believe me, you’d be angry, too!)

But more than that, there’s a lot of anger about the current state of the country and our government, and that’s something I try hard not to get angry about only because it’s such a frustrating thing that I don’t feel I am capable of doing anything about. I mean, the reason we have such an awful President right now is because so many people were angry about things that the LAST President did... and the people who picked that President were angry with the PREVIOUS President and it just goes back to the very beginning of the time. No one is happy with anything but when there’s an outlet or avenue for anger (like social media) then have at it!

(I should mention that I’m writing today’s #30ME listening to Tears for Fears’ Songs from the Big Chair, a long-time favorite that actually starts with a song called “Shout”... I wonder if the same song was written today, it would be called “Type in Caps.” Sorry, that was my obligatory stupid joke tangent for today’s #30ME.)

And yes, making jokes is one way I try to allay my own anger and keep from being in a constant fuming range. So is listening music. I know these things from living with this moody ass soul for so many decades that I can kind of figure out ways of not being angry all day long. Even doing this writing can help, so skipping a day like I did yesterday to pursue what ended up being a fruitless effort, isn’t gonna help my anger the next day.

The weather doesn’t help either, like the fact that it’s suddenly 20 degrees over a week into May when most of us would rather be outside or at the movies, neither of which aren’t allowed with strict regulations. Oh, and it’s too cold outside, too.

I’m gonna stop myself right here because I’m well aware how angry and ranty my previous #30ME was about “Free Advice” and I’m trying hard not to just use this experiment for 30 minutes of wanton raging, that’s for sure.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to get at is that there are many ways to deal with your own anger, whether it’s to stay off social media or spend quiet time listening to music or watching adorable dog videos on Quibi (which I do, too) rather than trying to have a pleasant conversation with a landlord who regularly puts you in a bad mood. Even taking a nap can help or taking a nice long bath.

In other words, there’s plenty of ways of dealing with this horrible situation in which we’ve found ourselves that has only gives us one option, “Change or Die.” And I mean that in the nicest possible way because it’s become fairly obvious that we can’t continue living the way we have been. We can’t all just be angry every minute of every single day, since it’s quite self-defeatist, and I’m saying this as someone who has often felt victim towards his own anger. 

I’m sure there are lots of ways that the professionals (i.e. shrinks and therapists) would advise dealing with anger, and some of them might recommend medication to do so, but I’ve never been one to believe in drug-controlled emotions.  It kind of goes hand in hand with my moody nature and how it drives me creatively and in ways, also keeps me happy when I need to find ways to stay happy.

I’ve been writing for nearly 25 minutes about this topic and probably rambling and going off on a tangent for some of it but I already feel about 70% less angry now than I did when I started writing this, so I can definitely say I know myself and what works to get myself out of these moods I sometimes wake up to.

Hopefully, I can use the fact that I was able to get some of this anger out of my system to look towards other emotions over the rest of the day to feel like I’ve accomplished something more constructive, like you know, write that weekly column that takes up so much of my time every week. 

In fact, I’m gonna cut this #30Me a minute or two short just so I can use the fact that I’m no longer in that mood I mentioned earlier to figure out what I’m gonna do for the next 12 or 13 hours of my day. Have a good Saturday and Mother’s Day and I’ll be back on Monday!

[victoriousyoungtriads]

My contributions to the cart during this evening’s trip to Wegmans included a canister of Cafe Bustelo, a box of Turbinado sugar, a quart container of organic half and half, a giant box of Grape Nuts (the original pea gravel kind, not the flakes), and a gallon jug of organic milk. I passed on the Eggo waffles I craved and the carton of ice cream Kelly suggested. She made some comment about how disciplined I am, and I snort laughed and assured her, put an open box of anything I have a weakness for in front of me, and it will be gone before anyone knows it.

At home during my ongoing YouTube binge of the PathLessPedaled channel, she treated herself to decaffinated herbal tea and I treated myself to some coffee. With lots of sugar. At 8:30pm.

And I’m fucking wide awake.

So I’ve been trying to lull myself to sleep with fantasies of getting up early, drinking more coffee—literally, the ritual of making and drinking it has been absent from my morning routine for going on five years now, at least—eating aforementioned Grape Nuts, doing something productive during the day tomorrow with the pair of 25lb kettlebells, the weighted jump rope, the medicine ball, the exercise band, the pull-up bar, that have been sitting unused in my office for over a year, going for a bike ride after work (up Hamburg?... lol), or maybe hitting that heavy bag that’s hung in the backyard for even longer. I finally tracked down the website to that boxing gym up the street, only to find that a membership with “open gym access” would cost $125 monthly. And I’ve been “donating” $50ish a month to the Y with nothing to show for it for how long?

Of course there’s always that weekly Tuesday morning kettlebell class that I was committed to for a hot minute there, the same one I’m petrified to show my face in thanks to just how far I’ve let myself go since then.

Lib’s group rides this Tuesday evening at 5:30. How difficult will it be for me to keep up with their “casual” pace?

In the past two weeks or so a thought realization has circulated and recirculated—over the last few years and, in particular in the last year, in my work life, my personal life, my home life, things are generally falling into place really nicely.

Professionally speaking, sure I’d love for my raise last year to have been a little higher. Sure I would’ve loved for my promotion to have been more meaningful and come with a more significant—and realistic—title change. I’d love to be better at what I do and would relish opportunities at training and professional development that I have probably already let pass me by many times over. God knows I’d love not to be as stressed out as I have been in the past few weeks with my daily+plus+bonus+rebranding workload that is the hallmark of this fall. Maybe I’m too quick to look to comfort and stability over ambition and professional growth. I’m a Taurus, that’s my thing. I’ve already accepted the fact that the nature of the work I’m doing, the flexibility in my time, and its proximity to home make leaving there a really fucking hard sell, one I’m not much interested in anyway. Not now.

Personally speaking, things with Kelly are humming along so smoothly, it’s still kind of taken me by surprise. We complement each other so well, and living with her is almost effortless. She’s the best sleeping partner I’ve ever had, tonight’s caffeinated insomnia notwithstanding. She puts things back where they actually belong, which, all on its own, is shocking in the best way possible. This is a mature relationship, one in which both parties are squarely on the same page, about stuff both big and small. And it’s pretty awesome.

I’m thrilled to be sharing this new and improved home with her, and, all in all, I’m thrilled with how the house has turned out. Sure, there are details here and there that have given me some pause—

Sure do wish they hadn’t gotten drywall compound all over the exposed brick in the master bedroom and on the chimney downstairs

Could the electric plug have not been installed more securely in the drywall outside the bathroom?

One of these days I am going to yank those bits of T-shirt fabric out from under the washing machine

The removal of the drywall in the guest bedroom and the kitchen looks a bit hackjob-esque here and there, though not unforgivably so

I probably would have been instantly happier with that sleeker, more minimalist and modern staircase setup, but what’s there is growing on me

Seriously, what exactly is powered by that one switch?!

—and maybe I will always crave a modern, industrial, wrought iron staircase. That isn’t in the cards right now and won’t be for some time, if ever. Maybe new kitchen countertops, at some point. DIY, if we’re feeling brave. Exterior windows first, though. And how about I get my head around paying for the goddamned thing first (thanks, Mom and Dad!).

Oh, and I like cooking. And I do a decent job of it. True, all I’m doing is following recipes with pre-measured and pre-provided ingredients, and I’m not thrilled by every recipe we’re given. It still counts. I’m enjoying it. And it all tastes pretty damned good.

So, really—and my therapist agrees—stuff is going, like, really well. Night and day compared to two years ago, to say the least.

The only piece that’s not there—really, at all at this point, by my own standards—is my physical health fitness.

A lot of it is missing how strong and physically able/adept I was, or thought I was. Once upon a time a mere five years ago, I did successfully do one unassisted pull up, and around that same time the goal I’d set so many years before of doing a few at a time actually seemed within reach, in the big picture.

But fuck it, I am a vain creature, and I miss how lean-ish I looked in photos from 2012, at least compared to today. Admittedly I was depressed as fuck and living through the painful dissolution of my marriage and longest relationship, so maybe that’s not a look I should be striving for, but I don’t care.

When we moved back into the house post remodel, I got ride of a shit ton of clothes, most of which fit me reasonably well as recently as two years ago and very much don’t fit me anymore. Honestly I’m not really fitting all that well into any of my clothes, specifically those I’ve elected to hang onto... except the (music) performance wear—billowy black pants with elastic waistbands and clearly plus-sized aesthetic black blouses with dreaded three-quarter length sleeves, all in sizes I once would have been swimming in—my mother has insisted on buying for me in the last year, despite my repeated requests that she not do so, since she’s not a fan of how I look in what I already own (...thanks, Mom).

I decided to hang onto some other stuff I’ve convinced myself it would be worth it to work towards fitting into again. Standing beside Kelly this evening in Kohl’s as she unenthusiastically browsed shelves of rhinestones embroidered into the ass jeans, stretchy jeans deliberately marketed as Mom jeans (don’t you idiots watch SNL?!), and jeans with threadbare fronts and bullshit for pockets—seriously, fuck women’s fashion and fuck women’s pants—I reaffirmed my determination not to buy any new clothes until they’re necessary to replace what’s become too big for me, not too small.

It’s all doable, I hope. I’m stubborn enough, still, to want very badly to be able to get to that point by succeeding on my own, by virtue of my own motivation to exercise and eat better. My faith in that reality has wavered enough to spend $250 on all three phases of Jay Maryniak’s Functional Method workout protocols, the proverbial spine of which I have yet to crack open. And I messaged Nik... a little while ago. He sent me links to visit, including the PayPal one where I send him money for him to help me realize these dreams. Haven’t gotten around to that yet, either. This week, maybe? Cause now I have coffee and Grape Nuts, and boxing gloves gathering dust and a heavy bag hanging in the backyard whose chains are probably already collecting rust.

And all the while I am sitting here thumb typing out these thoughts, I am realizing that this fitness I so desperately want to reclaim—the fulfillment of these goals—is eluding me in the same way that sleep does some nights, tonight included.

I’ve never had complete awareness of the crossover between wakefulness and sleep (does anybody?)—when it happens, whatever my mind was doing in the moments before it finally succumbs to sleep is erased from my memory by the time I wake again. Some nights my conscious, alert mind will catch myself starting to drift, to dream. Once I do, it’s gone... I’m back to being awake and thinking, which is the opposite of what I need to do to sleep, to let go. It just has to happen.

Maybe getting this all back—the routine, the rhythm, the habit of regular, beneficial physical exertion—has to happen, and it hasn’t because of how much I’ve been thinking about it.

So, okay. Can I stop questioning when, and how, it’s going to happen long enough for it to actually happen?