#anyway I hope this is just me being tired and overwhelmed and I'll figure it out tomorrow or something

[jimiminily]

🌹𝐻𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑦 𝑏𝑖𝑟𝑡ℎ𝑑𝑎𝑦 𝐽𝑖𝑚𝑖𝑛🌹

Enjoy your 29! 💜

13.10.2024

Happiest 29th birthday Jimin 💜🎂🎉

Where do I even beginnn??? he's really my everything omg 🥹🥹 Firstly I wanna wish him eternal happines, healthiness and love 💕 Jimin is so easy to love 🩷 I really adore him thiiiiiiiiii🌌🌌🌌♾️🌌🌌🌌iiiiiiiiiis much so precious and lovable the most beautiful stunning prettiest looking and rlly kindhearted and gentle I miss him sm 💔 and btw his second solo album 'MUSE' was released on 19th July! (Almost 3 months ago) and the way I was so happy to be in Jimin's era TT the main track 'Who'.. I was so overwhelmed of how awesome and amazing it was and im not even being biased but that really is soty and aoty woowww Jimin really is hardworking even in the military he's amazing fr 🫡🫡 I'm glad that this is the first and last birthday without Jimin and he's not spending his birthday alone since Jimin and Jungkook are together in the military 😊 speaking of them they released a travel show named 'Are You Sure?!' and it had 8 episodes and the last one ended a month ago AND I REALLY ENJOYED IT!! THEYRE SO PLAYFUL AND CUTE TOGETHER 🥹🥹 anyway!! Happiest 29th bday Jimin, can you believe it??? He was 25 when i got to know him! 🫶 the world is lucky to have you love, I love you 🥰💜

Days left until military discharge:

- Namjoon & Taehyung: 242 days left

- Jimin & Jungkook: 241 days left

- Yoongi: 251 days left

<👆 everyone wil be discharged in June 2025>

- Hoseok: 4 DAYS LEFT! 🎉🥹 (17 oct)

- Seokjin: 4 months ago discharged 🥰🎉

- His solo album 'Muse' on all streaming platforms!

- Jimin <Who> Official MV

He was active today on weverse! Here are all the links to his 7 posts with correct translation! I'm so happy 🥹💞

Post 1:

🐥 everyone im here, its been a while hehe

Post 2:

🐥 my birthdays here already... kekeke

Post 3:

🐥 i was frantically adjusting and before i knew it, its already my birthday

but it feels like time really flew by, but also it feels like its been slowly crawling by kekekekeke if i look back at it, it seems fast but if i look forward it seems slow kekekekekekekekekekekeke

Post 4:

🐥 hehehe ARMY you all~~

when will I get to stand in front of you guys and call you out guys like this

I miss you.. I miss youuuuu

um it's a long time passing by, isn't it?

what does it feel like to ARMYs? [long/short]

I wonder what kind of days you guys are spending~

Wouldn't the time that you're waiting for us become tiring~

While I worry about that, I also hope that you guys are just spending the times with just happy things

Because you guys must only (experience happiness) hehe

Post 5:

🐥 for the first time in a while, armys are making <me> happy memories once again hehe

im not saying this to make you worry!

because it isnt easy hehe

but theres also a lot of good people in the military, so we're all working hard together to receive training

im eating well and im working out really hard as well !

so dont worry about me

thank you for the birthday wish

how much luck do i have, that im receiving birthday wishing while in the military

i dont know when i can pay all of this back

once i leave, ill do anything to repay <you>

so please just wait a little bit for me

im writing something but im somewhat hesitating

so i think thats why my words are a little choppy hehe

army~~~~

i wont forget this precious today

armys, who are the most precious in the entire world,

i love you💜

Post 6:

🐥 I really love you so much

Post 7:

🐥 I'll come again

[uarmyhope insta story]

[rkive insta story]

Bighit bday posts

Tweet

YT short

🎂241013 Happy Birthday Jimin🎂

More photos

With his talents and solo ventures, the singer, songwriter, producer, global ambassador and record-breaker has made a name for himself as one of the most prominent figures in K-Pop.

HBD to the first Korean soloist to reach #1 in the 65-year history of the Billboard Hot 100! His single Like Crazy is the longest charting song by K-Soloist on Spotify Global Daily Chart! Like Crazy is also the most streamed song in the history of Spotify South Korea. He is the First and Only Korean/K-Soloist to have multiple albums surpassing 1.2 Billion Streams on Spotify. (MUSE and FACE). Jimin is the First and Only Korean/K-Soloist to surpass 300 Million streams on Spotify USA Chart. He is also the First Korean Soloist to reach #1 on Spotify Global and also First Korean Soloist to gain 1 Billion Streams on Spotify in a single year! He holds the record of Most Streamed 2024 song and 2024 album currently (Who & MUSE)!

____

And surprisingly today!:

Jimin sets a new Worldwide Record as the FIRST and ONLY person to have over 23+ related keywords and hashtags occupying Twitter's Worldwide Trends simultaneously for the FIFTH YEAR in a row!!

Jimin related terms are 26 of the top 30!

I love you so much Jimin🩷 till then, D-241 ♡

╔═════════*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═════════╗

╚═════════*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═════════╝

[arviyya]

#left field brainrot

hi again, i absolutely love your microfics, they're hot and beautiful, thank you for writing my crazy ideas like this, you're matching my freak. 👀

about that cock cage, when my gay friend told me about it, my first thought was 'ohhh this is so rosekiller coded', instead of 'how cruel and painful this must be'

also, thank you for your fellow travelers recommendation, i haven't watched it yet, but now it's at the top of my watchlist!

as you probably noticed, i love kinky and sexy rosekiller adventures, but i also love them being sweet and tender. i think sometimes fandom generalizes them as this freaky murder husbands, but come on! barty kissing evan sweetly, evan hugging barty, barty clinging to evan, evan keeping eyes on barty's diet (because barty is living on coke zero and cigarettes), barty supporting evan during anxiety attack, or when evan feels overwhelmed in the crowd- this is also rosekiller! i feel like this little but yet meaningfu gestures are also their way of saying 'i love you'.

anyway, sorry for my long rant, i hope you're not tired of my messages, (if so, say one word and i'll stop i swear!)

take care xxx🫡

I'm so glad you like my microfics :] its really just an endless stream of brainrot lol.

No literally, cock cage is soooo rosekiller. Especially Barty. Pain and him go hand in hand that's for sure.

Oh my gosh, before you go watching fellow travelers just be careful of your heart. It's so sad but it's also so beautiful. If you like this fandom, you will probably like the pain of that show lmao.

I LOVE kinky and sexy rosekiller, anon, but just like you I am a huge fan of soft rosekiller. I feel like they would be so sharp and so venomous to everyone else, but when they're with each other, even when they're having the roughest sex, they're still so loving and soft. OH and no one does aftercare like rosekiller does aftercare. It's just perfect and good. Barty getting his back rubbed by Evan, Evan being cuddled and coddled like the deep down softy he is. Don't get me wrong, I'm with you, like murder husbands have their place, but by god, soft rosekiller definitely is my favorite - I'm not going to repeat all that you said but YES to everything you said. In my fic taste of sin, Evan will end up being Barty's biggest supporter during his panic attacks, and figures out exactly how to help him get through them. I truly do love their dynamic when they're soft. One of my favorite rosekiller moments in a fic, and it truly is such a small moment, but it speaks volumes, is in CMU when rosekiller is on the phone with Regulus and Evan stills Barty's bouncing leg with his hand. Like it just says so much about them and their bond and what they mean to each other.

Nooo, don't stop the long rants, anons. I love the rosekiller brainrots, it always makes my day :]

[babycatlix]

hello friends 💖

i have an update for y'all. some of you may not care, some of you may not remember, but some of you may have been wondering... whichever one you are is totally fine! ☺️ i just thought i'd give my sensory overload friends an update. TW: there will be mentions of anxiety so if you don't wanna read that, no worries! but there is also a gif update at the very end!

if you recall i was having a pretty tough time at the end of the semester with my anxiety manifesting itself in new ways. the most annoying, stressful, and recent development is that i am very sensitive to noise now. loud noise, surprising sounds, loud crowds, even the wind blowing too harshly by my ears. at first i thought i was being dramatic (a reaction i have thanks to my parents saying i was faking my anxiety for decades), but what really convinced me that i was having noise overload was i went to a movie with GBF and the movie was too loud. and i mean, i wanted to cover my ears too loud.

i got myself some loop earplugs and i've been using them when i can feel myself getting overwhelmed with the noises around me. i first used them when we went to a hibachi place for dinner. the japanese style restaurants where they cook in front of you. i was very thankful to have them that night as it was very crowded in there AND the noises from the cooking were very loud too. so, i figured they would work really well at the movies! and i was RIGHT! 😈 me and GBF went to 2 of the ghibli movies playing in theaters and i was much happier 🥰 the movie wasn't too loud for me and i was able to actually relax in my seat.

so, if you're having some sensory overload and think that ear plugs may help, i'd recommend you get some! i really love my loop earplugs! i have all 3 types that they make, bc i wasn't sure which i would like more. but i love my quiet plugs and my engage plugs. the engage plugs have a much lower occlusion effect (hearing your voice in your own ears) and blocks out 16 dB of noise vs. 18 dB (experience), which i loved for the movies!

anyway, i know that i haven't really been keeping up with my gif posting and i know i'm not obligated to tell anyone why, but i've just been feeling more tired since i started working out again. but i'm working on gifs this weekend! so hopefully i'll have more content for you this week!

i hope you're doing well! if no one's told you recently, you're doing great, i'm proud of you, and i love you! 💖 please stay safe out there and stay hydrated my friends! 💖

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary42

10/19-20/2023

thursday - friday

i saw my friends today, it was nice.

but now it's late and i'm tired again, i went into 2 songs today and i think i made them a lot better though. i should stop saying fixed, cuz i am in a different stage now. there's less wrong, it's more about getting the sounds precisely "there" i guess.

anyways tonight was fun. i saw my friend's band at the same pizza place we ended up at the other night, and i got more free pizza, which makes me feel yucky but whatever, i got to eat enough. this new band i saw tonight was like, they really wanted to be nirvana, pretty funny i guess, hope they do something more interesting in the future they're all obviously capable musicians and stuff. my friend's band played a new song of theirs he was talking about a lot, i really liked it, i think it's one of their best for sure at this point. trying to think, a lot of the time we spent at the pizza place was just kind of standing around and bullshitting. i thought watching my friend about how much i would like to do anything live, i feel like there's some sense i have of time running out in that way, i wonder if everything i want will just fail to materialize, and i'll be a huge failure creatively.

hopefully not.

at my friend's place i messed w/ vcv rack and made horrible noises, and watched him fuck with it, and he made slightly more musical sounds, it's hard to make it really musical, i feel like, so i like just making it do fucked up textural stuff.

maybe tomorrow i should try to just transpose stuff from my note's app into my story, and work on writing more than music, which is proceeding at a fine pace, i can take a break i think, i should do that, and try to figure out what i need to do there to get closer to a draft, i really want that to be finished. i want to finish something. or get to the first finishing of something that will go on for a while. every project goes on so long, my perfectionism maybe leads to more wasted time. it sucks but i can't help it.

i also think i'm psychosomatically making myself feel itchy because i'm paranoid the hotel room had bed bugs even though i sat there and checked and flipped the bed up and everything, and i'm scared my gf's mom's dog gave me fleas too or something. i'm just so scared and uncomfortable, and tomorrow i have to cook and stuff because we got home so late.

and now it's 3 am which is like my bed time now and i should just sleep now so i don't have to struggle or something through all of tomorrow. it will be good to sleep. i also get to work on another collaborative poem tomorrow too. that might be a good warmup for writing. i am going to sit down and really write i think, before i shower, i'll sit there and do it. i might need coffee or something. maybe just tea. i just have to focus. transposing notes out is a good start, and getting things to slot in. ughhgh.

i make everything sound like busywork, it's all just about realizing everything is manageable, nothing is too much trouble, it's not overwhelming, i can do it.

anyways i need to sleep, today was a good day but i'm sitting here thinking myself into being depressed about something and letting all my paranoia make myself feel worse than i really should i think. i don't think i'm allergic to anything in pizza. idk what it could be, what if i have some kind of disease and it kills me. that would be really sad. i will have done nothing with my life.

so like, byebye!!!

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

hey beautiful, its me again. -💕 i figure i should name myself. i don't know, i thought it was cute lol. but anyway, how have you been? hopefully good. the world is in complete tragedy right now. i don't even know where to begin honestly.

it all feels so small, does it not. how we're all just tiny threads in the gigantic tapestry that is life. all of it feels so small yet overwhelming at the same time. like everything but nothing matters. i try to think that honestly but i just can't. i'm trying but it doesn't feel good enough, you know? my mom had a big accident with me, i want even supposed to be born. but here i am. she screamed me into the world only for me to silence myself. i can't help but feel so sad. i feel like there's goals i'll never be able to complete, happiness i'll never experience successes that i won't ever have. and i'm so tired of people screaming at me to be better, to be good enough.

i try my hardest but it won't ever be enough. i feel like a ticking time bomb, i don't know when i'll explode. i just wake up in a constant state of fear. and one of these days i'll actually do permanent damage and never wake up.

holding out for hope is possibly one of the most hardest things there is. you don't know when things will be better, only that one day it won't hurt as less. people always say it could be worse but it could also be better too. i never chose to have this life, i don't know what i'm doing with it. truly.

how are you? hope your days are lighter than mine. i feel like i should pay you for being a therapist lmaoo, you won't ever know how much i appreciate this. thank you endlessly. you feel like a warm sister, even though we don't know each other. i feel so safe here. thank you endlessly. i can't even express my appreciation. its been so long since someone let me rant. i have so many surprised feelings they're all over the place. much like this ask lmao.

hope you're okay, lovely. tell me about your day and know that i love you 💕

I definitely understand what you're going through. It's so hard to just be alive these days. It's more like we are surviving, not living and it's exhausting, especially if you're an empath. I really hope you know that no matter how hard it is or how insignificant you may feel at times, there's always a reason to keep going. No matter how small, your mere existence can be the reason others are happy to start their day. You are special, the world has managed to produce an immeasurable amount of people on this earth yet there's only one of you out there, the universe itself conspired to find the perfect balance of all the beauty in the world and has poured it into you.

I know you make my day better just by sending asks, it's not much to you but it means a lot to me. You make me smile and I am eternally grateful for your existence.

And life fucking sucks now but I always try to make something good out of it, sometimes I draw, sometimes I write, or take photos of nature...art helps. Even if you're not good at it, give it a try

Enjoy this winter sunrise from me. ❤️

[dzpenumbra]

12/20/22

Well hello, robo-followers. This week I got like 6 follows from what are clearly bots. Is this new? I don't know, I've only been here a few months. Fucking obnoxious. It's 2022, almost 2023, major record labels can accurately recognize song patterns with just seconds of audio data... and we can't figure out how to like... not let bots make accounts on websites. I don't want to get too political, I'm just gonna touch on two points here. There's really no justification for a user account to be owned and used by a computer program. Programs are not users, they can't agree to legal contracts, they are not held liable to legal contracts, so I have no clue why this is something that a Turing test is not like... mandatory for... And, my second... and I feel much more important point. It should not under any circumstances be legal for a computer program to threaten legal action against a person or business. I can't stress how strongly I feel about this line in the sand. So... I hope we start to see some changes in the next few years, especially in fields that are reserved for... arts and humanities. Human shit. The things that make our species... human. User accounts are supposed to be reserved for personal use of individuals, and representative of that user's actions, not a few pages of code. Legal action (strikes, reports, claims, etc.) are way too nuanced to be identified, confirmed and acted upon without human verification. I'm tired of multi-billion dollar corporations being lazy about this shit. You have the budget, you have the reach, you have the technology, please set a good example and stop making the users, creators and consumers suffer.

Okay, bitching out of the way, lets get to the good shit. Today was... wait for it... a good day! Holy fuck!

Hold on, I'll be right back, I made cookies. =D

Mmmmmm.

Alright, so today... I decided to try out a time management app. I don't want to get too excited just yet, it's just day one, but I do have to say it helped quite a bit. It's called Owaves, it's a scheduling app but it's like... really visual, and simple. So many scheduling/time management apps I've tried are really text-heavy and look like fucking homework or something. There's something that just subconsciously turns me off and stresses me out with that, especially on days I'm super overwhelmed. But this was really sleek and pretty and simple. So, I just threw some stuff on it while I was in bed. Coffee/cat food/breakfast/shower, plan groceries, get groceries, unpack groceries, yoga, skate, dinner, work, bed. Pretty straight forward. I gave myself wiggle room to get distracted or derailed - which I did on literally every single one - and tried to just have it serve as a... guideline, I guess. Like a sketch for a drawing.

So yeah, got really tunnel-visioned in grocery/meal planning, got a list together, went off to the grocery store like 40 minutes later than I was planning. Car was covered in snow and ice, had to dig it all off with my damn hands. It's not my car, I'm still driving the fucking rental, the dealership hasn't even called me personally back to tell me when the parts are coming in. Its been like... I don't even know, 3 weeks now? Like... I legit feel like I'm getting scammed here. Like, I feel like I should be talking to a lawyer. Anyway... I got the snow off and... my gas light was on. So I got gas, went grocery shopping. It was way more expensive than I was expecting, and it was only like 3 bags of groceries. Seriously. Since when are 3 bags of groceries $250? Like... I'm just one dude, and I don't eat as much as I should. I cook in bulk, I buy stuff on the cheaper side... Ugh. I feel for those of you with big households, I'm really sorry for how hard all of this must be for you.

I went home, unpacked the stuff and immediately did yoga. See, on the way back... I scoped out the rotary park... and it was not shoveled at all. Not even one bit. It was perfect. So I jumped right on the mat, and Max started stalking... and was like... doing what she does when she's getting ready to attack my legs. So... I paused and went and tried to play with her. But she didn't play... it was very confusing. So I went back to yoga, restarted the video and... she did it again! I felt myself getting upset, so I redirected into play again and after a few minutes it actually worked. She played for the first time since we've been here! I'm really happy about that. And now that I look over at her, she's been sleeping on my old jacket, which probably still smells like the old house. She's probably homesick, or confused. It would make sense. She lived there for like... a third of her life? That's a lot, you know. She does seem to really love it here, but I think she's still settling in. But seeing her play, when she has osteoarthritis, hypothyroidism and kidney disease was like... it just made my heart soar. Even if she was just laying on her side and playing.

I went back to yoga, the feline queen permitted me to do so, and it was really nice. The same routine again, and I'm getting a feel for it. And again, it's crazy how much my hips and neck open up with it. I think my back is going to take more work to get the rust out of the hinges, but slow progress is still progress.

I smoothed out the bottom of my board, tuned it up, that's my new routine thing for snowskating now. I have no idea why I never did it in the past. The bottom is like... some kind of thick plastic coating, so if you skate over rocks, gravel, or dig a bit too deep and hit pavement or whatever, it will scratch and leave grooves in the bottom of the board which kill your speed. I mean that, there's really no feeling quite like riding a brand new off-the-line snowskate, that kind of speed is like... enjoy it, because you're never gonna feel it again! XD But cutting the grooves out and sanding the bottom with 100, 400 and 1500 grit pads really help a lot. Obviously it's not perfect, but it makes a big difference.

I hit up the park. The snow was about... 3-4 inches deep? Soft powder with a very thin crust on it. Very good conditions. Unfortunately, prepping the snow was pretty necessary, and that eats up a lot of your muscle endurance when you're skating alone. It's decent warm-up, but... ugh. So I did a little flatground to warm-up and headed over to the 2-set. I was determined to land the shuvit down the stairs today. I ollied it a few times no problem. But my shuvs kept going wide. I was just like... not catching them right. You really have to have your landing straight with snowskates, there's a lot that can make you just stop right in your tracks. I tried a dozen times, shifting my back foot position, trying to focus on front foot catch, trying to focus on watching the board mid-air. I got really close over and over but... nothing. And then it hit me... a realization I had last time. I need to practice landing at speed.

As I walked up to the top of the hill, I was musing on how just riding and ollieing at speed is like... some of the most useful practice you can do all-around for snowskating. For real. You get really comfortable on your board, used to "carving"... let's just say "board-handling", when and how to push, learning what conditions you can carry speed in and what you can't, and what you need to do to carry it. But the ollies really make the difference. Not just learning the different ollie position for snowskating, with your toes right at the very edge of the tail, but landing. Because landing on a snowskate can feel like jumping onto an ice skating rink in shoes sometimes. The more you get used to that feeling, the easier it is to stick... well... every goddamn trick period. Ollie is a bit easier because the board comes with you, but... the landing is the same low-friction slip-fest as landing any other trick.

So, I bombed the hill and found a good natural kicker right before the benches where I had been skating flatground, about half-way down the hill. It was a decent hill, I could carry speed well enough, it even had some sections where I could pump so I didn't have to kick as much. And I started just bombing down and seeing how far I could ollie. The biggest one was about 6 feet. It was so much fun. I really enjoyed it. So, after I got that ollie down, I went back over to the 2-set, ollied it like it was a crack in a sidewalk and did a few shuvit tries and... landed it. Yep. It's like... a baby trick, on a baby stairset, but... I had tried that trick like 25 times this week, at least. Riding away was just... such a good feeling. I was beaming walking back to get a drink of water. Then I bomb-dropped the 4-set, and that wasn't bad at all. It's gonna take a bit for me to get brave enough to ollie that, but I think it should happen this year. That'll be the biggest stairset I've ollied... ever. On anything. And there's a 6-set at the park too, if I start to get really fucking brave, and it's steeper too, so less to clear, but the catch there is... the landing is about 25 feet and then it's right into traffic, so if my board shoots out... no bueno.

Oh, then I landed a moving kickflip. First one of the year. Didn't carry a lot of speed, but still cool. And then on my way out I tried a big spin and actually got really close. Like I stuck it but underrotated and had to sorta powerslide to cheat it a bit, but that was a personal NBD. I've done fakie big spin before, but not regular. I think big spins might actually be easier than 3 shuvs, at least on a snowskate. I'm gonna keep trying them, I just.. once again... need to practice landing. And for that one, I need to practice landing switch, which is a whole other can of worms.

But all-in-all, that was a really good session and I'm really glad I went. Super glad I did yoga first, I would've been a wreck if I didn't.

Chinese leftovers for dinner, cookies for dessert. Spent the rest of the night eating (I eat really slowly, I'm noticing it's a pretty big problem with my schedule) and watching videos on wire-wrapped jewelry and stuff. I want to take that small quartz piece I worked on the other day and put it on a ring, I think that would be sick. I'm just not sure how. I really struggle to visualize these wire pieces, it's weird. I can visualize mandala stuff easy (when I do), zentangle style I tend to just... do without thinking, and the realism stuff I usually use reference. Trying to come up with a custom wire design feels similar to like... you know those metal puzzles you get at hobby shops or whatever? Where you have to like get a ring off of a bent metal shape or like, figure out how to untangle two entwined metal shapes the right way? I feel like I'm making one of those. And my brain just starts shooting sparks sometimes. So, my counter to that has been to look for inspiration, and just put my own detail work on it, my own embellishments. I found some cool designs that I'll probably come back to tomorrow or something. I didn't actually get anything hands-on done today, but that's okay, research is still work. I did find a video on pricing jewelry, which was really helpful, and definitely applies to my other artwork as well.

Hell, since I'm on it, let's go into this weird thought. So... people seem to think when they're paying for artwork that they're just like... helping the artist recoup the cost of supplies. People I've talked to, at least. They really don't do the math on like... labor... skilled labor, that is... And my work, well... it varies. So let's touch on the two topics one at a time so I don't forget because I 100% will.

Supplies - Since college... well... actually since before that, if I'm being honest... I have been making art on pretty much fucking everything. Mostly cardboard, but also scraps of wood, sheets of lined paper, whatever the fuck I was either close to at the time or called to me. A lot of my art evolved into this concept of beautifying things that were destined to sit around and collect dust... or fated to be thrown in a landfill. But it wasn't really a conscious thought so much, it was just... "Oh, I want to do this piece and... that piece of wood over there, I could see it on that." Or the reverse, when I stumble across a piece of cardboard or something and go "oh, I could see a cool abstract design right here, etc. etc." I strayed from using traditional art supplies so much that in drawing class, I made my own paint pens with shoe polish applicators and acrylic paint so I could use the same paint I was using for painting class. Don't get me wrong, I still bought paint, I still bought Micron pens, I still bought Prismacolor pencils. There's no real substitute for that. And once I found the combination of Bristol paper and Micron pens, and Prismacolor pencils... *chef's kiss*. That's a lovely place to draw. So what I'm kinda saying is... my supply cost has never been that high at all. Sometimes, especially with like... carving found pieces of wood or shaping found stone... the supply cost is like... fractions of pennies, or nothing at all. It's almost not even worth calculating.

Labor - That leads into this tricky bitch. I tend to work slow. I always have, I always will, it's just what I do. It's my speed. Let's use my profile picture piece for example. That one, at the point of the picture, was over 40 hours in. I had it documented, I streamed the entire process of drawing it. So... say a friend really wants that piece. And they think my skills are worth the wage of a $20/hour job. Which is literally a McDonald's wage right now. So... hi, self-worth, let's try $25 so I don't feel like the past 15 years were a waste of time. It's a start. So $25 x 40 = $1000. Not including materials... and, as we said, that's a tricky one because like... how do you charge for one sheet of paper and fractions of pencils? How do you even do the math on that? Welp, Strathmore says their sheets of Bristol are about $0.50 each. Let's assume the pencils are around the same, so let's make that an even dollar. Double that shit so I can recoup my losses. Wow, we're adding 2 dollars, woohoo! $1002. Now we're at wholesale prices. So, I'm supposed to double that again for my friend. That's my sales price, even to friends. $2004. And then, if market value should be higher because, you know... it feels like it should be valued higher... then I can adjust that accordingly.

I'm going to say this out loud (in text), it feels weird talking about this. But here's the rub, and probably the reason it feels weird to talk about it. I WAS NEVER TAUGHT THIS. No one has really even had a discussion with me about this! I learned this shit literally tonight, from a handmade jewelry artist in Canada on YouTube. I did 3 years as an art major, I worked as an artist's assistant with an internationally renown artist and I was never actually taught how to value and sell my own art. I am 30 fucking 6. I have been doing art professionally for 15 years. And I don't know how to price my shit. And I'm worried people will rip me off. Because literally everyone I have done work for has ripped me off and taken advantage of my compulsive generosity, humility and self-sacrifice. So... maybe that's the reason I don't have a successful, flourishing career? XD Ya think?!

So yeah, if you're an art educator, please go to your department head or whatever and sit them down and insist that they teach art students how to value and price their own work. At least to get a ballpark. At very least what I covered here. And please stress that there aren't rules to this shit, that you can go high as the sky if people want to pay that - and if someone wants to pay that much in appreciation of art, there should be no negative feelings around that.

So yeah, I guess I'm saying this because I remember people watching me make this owl piece on Twitch and they just... didn't really seem to value the training and skill that went into it? They thought I was just doing it as a hobby or something? Which is really fucking strange, and kinda hurts, you know? Maybe they didn't access enough brain cells to even get that far in their train of thought. But I'm just gonna level... I don't think a single person that went "wow, that's amazing!" when they dropped by my stream would be willing to pay full price. Even if they knew how many hours went into it. I doubt they'd be willing to pay half-price. And that's the kind of feeling and vibe that sends artists who like... enjoy food and shelter and all that... into this frantic mode of like... "what else can I do?" "What different can I do?" "What outside of my natural inspiration and creative drive can I do to accommodate to cheap people who buy bargain bin knockoff shit from factories in China?" "Can I scan this and sell a cheap print version for a fraction of the cost?" "Can I get them to subscribe to Patreon for $5/month and have my piece gather dust for 2 years?" "How can I sell out and still maintain my artistic integrity?"

Ugh, this is what happens when I get into the sales and business side of... my business. I fucking hate it. I'm not made for this shit. Give me a piece of wood and I'll carve cool shit in it for 6 hours. Give me a raw stone and I'll sand it down into a beautiful faceted centerpiece. Give me inspiration and I'll spin you gold from hay. But I cannot say this enough times. I'm so fucking tired of saying it. I. Am. Not. A. Salesman. This shit straight up stresses me out.

Aaaaaand I actually managed to lose my own interest! *standing ovation* Well done, me! Enough of that economic sales and marketing garbage, good lord. I just want to make cool shit. I really really hope that someday I'm lucky enough to have someone knowledgeable in my life - a partner, an assistant, a mentor, whatever - who enjoys that kind of stuff, who I trust, who can take over so I can just focus on creating. That and marketing are the missing pieces that would make me flourish.

Anywho, wasn't planning to get into this shit, thus is the nature of stream of consciousness. Today was a good day, lot of accomplishments, and I don't want to get bogged down by this whole "hermit can't sell his art because he still gets super overwhelmed around people" thing. Don't wanna lose sight of what today was about. Pushing outside of my comfort zone and finding great accomplishments and rewards for doing so. And cookies. =D

[theycallme-thejackal]

“I’m tired of sleeping alone”

Pairing: Lenny Bruce & Midge Maisel Rated T Warnings: Angst

"I guess congratulations are in order."

Midge huffs out a humorless laugh as Lenny takes the stool next to her, lifting his hand to order a drink. "Thanks," she drawls, finishing off the last of her martini. The ring feels heavy on her hand as she signals for another.

"Gordon's show is going even better than expected," he comments. "A steady gig and a new husband."

There's a lightly biting tone to his voice that should bother her. It doesn't. "Yep," she confirms. "Now L. Roy Dunham can credibly say that I slept my way to the middle."

"Give yourself some credit. You're at least upper-middle," he bats back.

The bartender brings their drinks, and they sit in silence for a while. She sighs. "What are you doing here, Lenny?"

"Drinking," he says. She eyes him in annoyance. "Heard my good friend got engaged and figured I was overdue for a visit anyway."

Friend. She hates the way he says friend. She hates being his friend.

"Well, you visited. Said congratulations. Guess I'll see you in another... seven months?" She retorts sardonically.

"Midge..."

"No, it's good. This whole run-off-to-California-and-never-call thing. It's a great way to sustain a friendship."

"Midge, I'm trying here," he pleads quietly.

"Try harder," she grits.

Lenny sighs. "So...Gordon Ford."

"Gordon Ford," she repeats.

"Got you a pretty nice rock there," he comments, nodding at her hand.

The ring is big. A large square diamond set in a platinum band with two smaller diamonds on either side. Objectively speaking she knows it's a beautiful ring, but it's not her.

"Yeah," she breathes. "A pretty nice rock."

"Doesn't really seem like your type though," Lenny comments, and she turns her head to really look at him for the first time.

He's filled out a little since the last time she saw him. He looks healthier. Still trim, but his suit doesn't hang from his body anymore. Looks more fitted. Less like a kid trying on his father's suit and more like Lenny Bruce. "No?" She asks, receiving a shake of the head. "Then what is my type?"

Lenny rubs his jaw. "You'd rather have a gold band," he determines after a long moment. "Something small and...delicate. A round diamond - nothing flashy. Something that says I love you rather than I belong to you."

Midge exhales, disappointed because he's exactly right. "You seem to know an awful lot about jewelry," she says with an arched brow.

"No, I just know a lot about you."

She shakes her head and picks up her drink, taking a long sip in hopes that maybe it'll drown the pit in her stomach. Next to her, Lenny lights a cigarette before asking, "Why are you marrying him?"

"Because I don't want to be alone," she answers after a beat. "I'm tired of sleeping alone at night. I'm tired of not having someone there with me when I go home. I just want someone."

He taps his cigarette over the ashtray. "So you're settling, then," he deduces before taking another drag.

"Well you were never going to propose," she mutters.

The silence then is overwhelming, and while part of her wishes she could take the words back, the greater part of her wants him to know. Wants him to hurt the way he's been hurting her for the last year.

"Probably not," he tells her. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to drag you into my mess, so I thought - "

"You'd just upend our entire relationship. Fuck our friendship. Fuck that blue room. Just...fuck it."

"I didn't want to hurt you."

"Well you did," she bites back. "You hurt me, Lenny. And I don't know if I can forgive you for it."

She meets his gaze, feeling her throat tighten as he nods slowly. "I should go," she chokes out as she stands to leave, desperate not to cry in front of him.

"Midge - "

"Don't..." She shakes her head. "Unless you can give me a really good reason not to leave..." She trails off, swallowing thickly as she waves her hand in dismissal.

"You don't love him."

Midge shakes her head. "No, I don't," she confirms. "But the man I do love won't commit to me, and I can't wait around for him anymore."

He's looking at her the way he did that night at Carnegie Hall when he begged her not to break his heart, eyes damp and red-rimmed. She can't bear it.

"Bye, Lenny," she whispers, allowing herself one final indulgence - kissing his cheek - before leaving the bar.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

What you said about masking really kind of hit home, and it made me ramble way too much in this ask. So feel free to skip everything after this paragraph, and regardless I hope you have a good day

My mom still will get super aggressive over innocuous statements, like sometimes I'll say something like "I tend to try to avoid sugar" and she'll be like "well I like sugar" in a very attacked voice

This despite know what I mean is that I don't think sugar is that important, and a little goes a long way, and she literally cuts sugar in recipes all the time cause they're too sweet otherwise. So it's... it's not even like we disagree, I just get snapped out of nowhere sometimes

And... it just kind of... like I actually have a couple friends these days, and they're over all good friends, but it feels like pretty much everyone lashes out periodically in one way or another without ever apologizing

Like it ranges from like... trying to educate me on stuff, like how one time when I was complaining to a friend about how I get tired of my mom having meltdowns at me if I ask stuff like where something is ("oh god, I don't know")

And my friend is like "well I don't think she means to be hurtful, it sounds like she's just overwhelmed" and it's like... of course that's true. Like I know that, I just also know we can hurt the people around us even if we don't mean to, it's why I work so hard to thank people when they bring problems to my attention. I may be hurt, but I want to cultivate an atmosphere where people feel safe coming to me with stuff, cause I hate not having that with my mom... I know how much it sucks

It just really does feel like I always have to be the right person for people. Everyone likes me... to a point, and past that point they'd hate me if they knew me, and that's not self loathing talking, I can point to concrete things they've said or done that back me up that this or that specific thing they'd hate about me

...though the self loathing is bad these days. I obviously don't think anyone could ever love me, but I've even got to the point where I question why my cats want to be around me. I feel like it's just cause they don't have any other options, though I know that's really warped thinking

I just... I don't know, I literally bluntly say all the time that I'm just working with the evidence I have. I know it's probably warped, but I don't have anything to counter it

...I don't know, doesn't matter. Despite my mental health getting worse I've gotten more done lately. I really only care about moving forward, getting the stuff I want done taken care of. It benefits me and is my best chance at changing my mood maybe. Still, thankfully kind of shows my mental health doesn't matter at all, what matters is I figure out how to get myself to move regardless of how I'm doing

So sorry about this whole mess. I really hope you read what I said at the start, looked down at how long I went on for, and took my advice not to read it. I talk way too much and say more or less nothing to people who shouldn't have to listen... that's how it feels anyway

(See I work at it and try to catch stuff like that which is kind of unintentionally manipulative, it's how I feel but it's hard to respond to that, which is why I try to diffuse it as at least being my feelings rather than... rather than fishing for compliments or whatever)

I do hope you have a good day though. If you read all this you shouldn't have, but I do hope you have a nice day

Okay so it's going to sound like I'm off topic but I swear it's relevant.

There are phrases of speech called softening language that are essentially...verbal padding. It's all the extra words that get added onto a sentence to delineate tone, intention, etc. They're the words we add to manage other people's responses to our words.

When I was growing up, I was taught that you had one chance to make your point because only first impressions mattered. This led to me being an incredibly compelling persuasive writer, but an incredibly unliked and caustic little autistic kid because absolutely nobody enjoyed being "talked down to" by an eight year old even.

Problem was, no one could ever tell me what was so hurtful about my words because they all acknowledged I was technically *correct* I was just *upsetting* about it. Took me almost 20 years to learn that what I lacked was softening language. I have since come to understand that neurotypicals care A LOT about softening language. You have to use the right kinds in the right combinations at the right times and in the right ratios basically at all times or they simply Do Not Like You and they will never even be able to tell you why.

I'm really good at softening language now to the point that some neurotypicals gently suggest that I use less of it and I have to - equally gently - let them know that I used to and it went badly. That I appreciate their suggestion and would genuinely love not to invest so much time and focus into padding my language for neurotypical ears, but that when I say people used to despise me for the way I talked I truly mean it and I have no desire to return to that.

That said, I have learned that part of being "unmasked" at any given time is declining to use softening language. It's choosing to be straightforward, direct, and simple about my word choices. I usually only make this particular unmasking choice around other autistic people, but those moments of being able to speak simply and clearly are so deeply filled with relief that it's worth it.

Anon, sweetie, your ask is overflowing with softening language. A solid 75% of it is you minimizing your needs, adding caveats to your actions, justifying others' behavior, apologizing for taking up space, etc. I am not saying this to scold you or try to correct you, but I want you to know that I see you. I see YOU behind all that obfuscating padding. I see the loneliness, the heartbreak, the confusion, the stress, the countless tries at "doing better" only to be told it isn't enough. I see you shrinking smaller and smaller, compressing yourself into ever less visible space in order to accommodate others, all the while desperate just to be truly heard for once. I'm really sorry that your world squeezes you so tightly, Anon. I know that feeling, and I do not miss it. I hope the same distance for you some day, the same vastness of self. In the mean time you never have to apologize for hanging out in my inbox 💚 that's what it's here for.

I am 100% sure that your kitties love you very much. Kitties are like that. They love with their whole little bodies, but from a distance. Kitties aren't like humans, and they value very different things. They like when you pet behind their ears, they like when you meow back to them from across the house, they like when you give them catnip and a whole bag of treaties and leave them alone all day, and they like when you blink very slowly at them. The rest barely matters. That's what I love about cats. They love a fair bit like I do lol.

Boundaries are important, Anon. They protect you, and they strengthen your relationships. Cats are very good at boundaries, and I feel we can learn a lot from them. You deserve to take up space, regardless of what you seem to think.

[madfantasy]

Dear blogging

t's cold and all I want to do is draw Juicy and his bros cuddle for survival

Hope your doing well my dears. I don't know what I have been doing all this time but just trying my best not to. Just not.

I have this immense guilt in typing any sort of update because, I'll be just repeating myself.. I wish so hard that things change, gets better and stop sucking to a point it feels like I'm disappointing others, in way that I got not much of progress..

I haven't thought of nothing but vagueness and leaving earth. One day dreaming of a bliss between the nightmares, being the very -impossible- thing I wanted, and feeling such disgusting overwhelming happiness I don't think I experienced, tears welling up in my eyes every time I remembered the scene.

I don't know what I truly want and I always figured that i don't really need to know, I don't need to be something specific, or want one thing with all my might, everything can come and go, and thats okay, everything can be hard or easy, I laughed at all my sorrows and drew them and made them into stories I retun to..

I don't know maybe that thick shield of the accusatory insanity wore off, or maybe its called maturing, cuz I can't deal with it anymore, I can't keep fighting over losing the very few things that pleasures me in life.. and the more I do, the more I feel truly closer..

It was prayer time, and during the announcements its favorable that one mute sounds and listen to it and quietly say it alongside. The masque people were praying, but at home most of us finished. I got my game running. Got cussed at, and ofc I replied of how much longer ppl pray u think, my guardians exploded with stream of demeaning and colorful swears, eventually kept praying that I die for saying that line.

I was shaking with anger head to toe, if we kept it religious, u can't just pray for ppl to die, or accuse them of not having faith. I called it out on them, and they kept saying it.. with every prayer of death I answered with Ameen, equally yelling how Im tired of this life

I went to my room and couldn't stop hyperventilating and weeping, my heart felt like it will escape my chest. Suddenly i hear them approaching, they never came into my room. They told my sib who ran to deter them from entering, they were like "I want you to stand witness that I cam here to apologise to your elder sib, and I didn't mean what I said" then they came in anyway and hugged me and kissing my hands and the top of my head, saying sorry. Telling me they never wanted to hurt me and they're nothing without me, that I run this house and without me they are lost, and the reason they lost it because they remembered their job, and wish that they never worked that job because it ruined they look on life

This is the first time that they ever apologised to me, in my whole frkin life. And actually admitted that their job was toxic among many things..

But in that moment nothing mattered. I went to bed that day expecting to leave earth. But I'm thankful I woke up the next day, still convulsing like I was hit by a truck

I don't know how to explain how faith is important to me, as in I'd be long gone without it, and it's something between oneself and God only, and not for people to judge or control how it "should" be. But they weaponize it more than practice it, as the still on going example used against me and my art and how I sm treated, in general..

I didn't get much work for this month, mum suggesting because it's the holiday season, which was a good time to spend it improving my art, but I spent it trying not to sit alone conscious or not escaping through flash backs and the torment of their words on never ending repeat , playing my hp over and over, till I notice the rats there danced, something I have never noticed and made me laugh

I want to do more art, the more I doubt it the more I'm sure it's what my soul aches to do if one day left un-art-ed In. I was even drawing while telling myself I'm not, escaping my notice till sib told me. With it I want to grow, even if hypothetically, with people I imagine how it is to meet one day, and enjoying every moment and not live undead.. one of my vids were, sorta replied to by a human being saying words, I know im making it sounds extremely basic, but my god, I have been isolated from people for so long even pics and vids are super hard for me to look.

Like, I just realised this the first time in centuries I seen a live reaction to my art, I still couldn't look at them directly but the resistance to look away decreased and I lost myself in this person's infectious joy saying how amazed they r by my art.. they don't know that gave me so hope that yes, maybe I can look at people one day, I can be with people one day, I can be okay one day..

I'm still open for commissions, now that my art apps subscriptions near expiry, and I don't want to use ProCreate cuz is icky and ewy and I want my smooth CSP specially after their upcoming update <3

Wish you the coziest safest, thrilling times, and happy holidays and birthdays, if I couldn't make it

All the love;

Mani

2:30 am, 4 Dec 2021, frozen toes

[rose-colored-amy]

So, this is a continuation to my extremely short one-shot Last Moments, Last Regrets, but it can be read as a stand-alone. Regardless, I'll leave the link of that one in here:

Also, thanks to @coeurhh for suggesting I write a second part. You're a sweetheart 🥰

She made a lovely fanart/gif, which I'm also sharing, of course:

Prompt: AU. Sakura's death goes unnoticed to everyone but the squad she protected with her life and Tsunade. Team Kakashi doesn't find out until the very end, when Naruto and Sasuke have already had their fight, and there's nothing to do about it but mourn the absence.

Warning: Mild Sasusaku and lots of angst. Team 7 sort-of-fluff (?)

—Blue Bird, Let Go—

"Hey, bastard... I know they really let us down, the village, I mean."

"Aa... "

"But I really think it's not all that bad. When we were I team, I knew you understood. It felt like having a brother, believe it."

They were watching their lives go by, shadows of unknown faces passing by them, not noticing their pain, or not caring whatsoever. Their backs were touching, but it was all cold and bleak; a bad memory. A clan slaughtered, a demon sealed. Two lonely boys wallowing in their own sadness.

"Well, even if I don't make it, I'm glad it was you, bastard—"

"Shut up, idiot." His voice sounded strained, even for his standards, but Sasuke was so tired he couldn't even bring himself to care.

"We're really dying, ah? Wanna say something? I do have things to say, 'cause there's no way I'm dying—"

"In silence?" Sasuke interrupted, but Naruto payed him no mind.

"Without telling you how much of an asshole you've been! I couldn't even keep my promise to Sakura-chan! She's gonna be so damn mad when she finds out, I'm sure she'll drag me back to life just to cave my face in—" He was rambling at that point, but it was just so comforting and normal to Sasuke that he didn't even acknowledge it anymore.

"Hn. Sakura... She..."

"She still loves you, asshole. I don't have any idea how it can be possible but—"

"I'm sorry..." It sounded rushed, but Naruto heard it perfectly, and in the darkness of their shared consciousness, Sasuke heard a resigned sigh.

"Well, it's not that bad. I cannot imagine dying beside anyone but you, bastard."

"Idiot..." He made a pause. "Me neither."

"You're both a pair of idiots!"

Suddenly, the unreadable mass of unrecognizable faces around them cleared, and one figure stood in front of them, pink eyebrows frowned in annoyance. Though this version of Sakura looked familiar, it was one none of the boys had seen in a long time. Genin, long-haired, Sakura was glaring at them, arms crossed.

"Sakura-chan! What are you doing in here?!"

Her eyes softened. "What, so I'm supposed to let you two die, after everything? No way in hell!"

"Sakura..."

"You!" She pointed at Sasuke, who flinched slightly at her rudeness. "I don't know what the hell happened, but I don't care. Lighten up and start being your moody self. We love you just like that! Don't act so repented and shit! If you're sorry stop looking like a lost puppy and start doing something about it, you asshole!" Her voice was raising with madness and it was slightly off putting to see what used to be a stuttering lovestruck preteen talking to him like that.

Naruto snorted at that, obviously delighted for not being at the receiving end of her wrath for once. It was short-lived, however.

"And you!" She pointed at the blonde; then crossed her arms. He jumped back in fright. "What is this? How dare you even consider dying after you promised to be the best goddamned Hokage in history?! Here I am, rooting for you, while you lay around like a lazy pig with your edgy bro there. You should be ashamed of yourself!" She scoffed.

Naruto's mouth was so wide open he could have caught a fly. "Lazy pig? Are you kidding?!"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, half amused, half annoyed. "Edgy?"

Suddenly, the edges of their vision began to blurr, like a genjutsu being unravelled. "Ah, someone came to help you at last." Sakura seemed relieved. Strangely so.

"Hey, Sakura-chan! You know what? You're right. I'll be the best damn Hokage ever, believe it! Just you watch!" He threw a punch to the air.

Seemingly placated and pleased with his answer, she nodded. "I know so." Then, she turned to her other teammate, who was concentrating solely on her face, mismatched eyes softened as they'll ever be. "And you'll make sure he doesn't mess up, right?"

They shared a long silence. There was something strange about Sakura aside her appearance. He could tell. "Hn. I will..."

"Hey! I don't need him watching over—"

"Sure you don't." He countered sarcastically.

"Also..." They turned to her again. "I'm sorry."

"Wha—" Naruto stuttered. "What the hell would you be sorry for, Sakura-chan?! If anything, it's the bastard here who should be apologizing to you!"

"Sakura..." Sasuke seemed to be searching for the right words, but she couldn't let them go without them listening to her. To what she needed them to know. There wasn't much time left after all.

"I'm sorry, because I wasn't what you needed..." She closed her eyes, her pretty minty orbs. Her appearance suddenly shifted, before then now standing her true self, still dressed in the standard shinobi uniform of the alliance. Her forehead protector lost to whoever knows where. "And thank you. You both made me stronger. You made me appreciate what I had. And I'll always, always love you. Our moments together like team seven... I'll treasure them for all eternity."

"Sakura-chan..."

"I know Konoha wasn't the best to you both, but don't forget the good... The wholesome moments. It's all that matters in the end... Our bonds, the bonds you managed to forge with sweat and blood... The world we live in, the world that gave me the chance to meet you. To me, that's to be cherished. Forever."

The white light started overwhelming the rest. Even Sakura's features started dissapearing.

"Live. Just live." For that, she specifically stared at Sasuke, a soft smile playing on her lips. "And thank you."

Sasuke started racing towards her, hand stretched, a forebonding understanding shaking his bones. "Sakura!"

And then, they both lost consciousness.

When they woke up, aside from feeling like shit, the first thing that crossed their minds what the finality of Sakura's words. Tsunade was beside them, patching them up, with Kakashi beside her, silently watching over them.

"About time, brats! What were you think—"

"Baa-san." Naruto interrupted her, his voice the most serious she had heard him until then.

"Where's Sakura?" Sasuke finished for him, his eyes icy and detached, trying to keep his worry at bay.

But she didn't need to answer. Her chakra flow hesitated, spiking with sorrow. Her eyes glistening with unbearable loss. Kakashi, at her side, stared, eyes widened in comprehension.

She was gone by a long shot.

And they were just finding out.

...

Everybody had different ways of dealing with loss. Naruto helped rebuild the village along with everyone else, but he skipped his usual meals, his ramen left forgotten in his kitchen counter. His movements when sparring were sloppy at best, not just because of the new prosthetic limb, but also because his mind was clearly somewhere else. Usually, Shikamaru would drag him out his makeship house, like he had done when Jiraija was gone for good. Sometimes, he would bring Ino with him, who was suspiciously skinny and messier than normal. No makeup covering the dark circles under her eyes.

Kakashi spent more than usual at the memorial stone every day, tracing the newly marked name of the girl who once remained him of Rin but that had come to claim a place for herself in his heart. Also, he took more missions than it was allowed in a month, going so far as to pick up his ANBU mask again, which caused an altercation with Tsunade, who hadn't been sober in a long time and had been hoping to hand the Hokage seat to him.

Sai avoided the color pink for a long time.

Sasuke... Well, he dealed with loss the same as everyone else... Longing for the missing person to be there, itching to have the opportunity to say what he couldn't at the time. Wanting to be alone whenever they would reach for him... And he built a tomb for her in hopes to find some closure. Not that official, because there wasn't a body to bury, and it had no name, but it was enough for him. He would bring with him camellias every day, buying them at the Yamanaka's, where Ino would always glance at him in silent understanding.

One morning, on his way to her tomb, he spotted a young shinobi leaving a white lilly for her. When he came by, the child spoke without a care, like they were acquaintances. "This is Sakura-san's, right?"

"Hn." It wasn't really an answer, but the child seemed to understand anyway.

"You know? Mama and big sister are also buried in these grounds... I always talk to them and tell them about my day and stuff I want them to know!" He turned to the Uchiha, a smirk on his cherubic face. "I'm sure she would appreciate it as well." And just like that, he left without another word.

Sasuke sat on the ground, just in front of the stone, mismatched eyes half lidded. Sensing no one in the vicinity, he exaled a shaky breath, and his dam opened up, the words longing to be said broke the silence he had been wrapping around himself since he knew of her death:

"I miss you... I've been missing you since I first left."

[pigeonp0st]

Natasha Romanoff x Reader #2

Part 2

Words:1,448

Warnings: Angst

Notes:

Part 2...I wasn’t going to do this. I did it anyways. Sorry for any spelling mistakes and for bad writing. This is another one of the pieces I made while trying to get over my dislike for my writing :)

Part 1:

————

“I’m tired of hurting others,” sixteen year old Natasha admits, eyes on the stars above. “When we get out of here...do you think we could be people who save?”

You turn towards Natasha, giving her your full attention. She’s been closed off and angry at the world more than usual lately...you’re glad she’s being open with you again though, so you give yourself time to think about your response.

“That’s you, Nat. I’m not like you,” you mumble. She glances down, then over at you. “You have the biggest heart out of everyone I've ever met. But me...i’ve always just longed for normal.”

Natasha tilts her head at that, bringing her eyebrows together, “normal?”

You nod, laughing at the expression on her face. “I want to live in a city with a job I hate half the time, in some stupid apartment with the loudest neighbors,” you explain.

“That doesn’t sound very nice.”

“It will be,” you assure her. “Because I'll have friends I consider family, and when you’re done saving the world I'll have you to come home to.”

Natasha studies the smile on your face and only sees your hope, but she’s never really been as optimistic as you. “You really think we’ll have that?” She asks quietly, and everything in her voice is begging you to say yes...because even though she’s not as optimistic as you, your hope is the only thing she feels is keeping her afloat.

“Yep. I should warn you...I plan on giving you the world, Nat.” You pause, frowning. “Well, maybe not the world, but everything you want.”

“Everything?” Nat teases, looking back up at the stars to try and prevent her tears from falling, because the future you painted is suddenly all she wants. “With your job you hate?”

You roll your eyes fondly. “Yes Nat, with the job I hate.”

The look she gives you is all love when she pulls you into her side and whispers, “I already have everything I could ever want right here.”

“Yeah right,” you scoff, shoving her away playfully and trying to hush her when she laughs too loudly. You don’t want to get caught. “Natasha, you want more than anyone. You want everything.”

And yeah, that may be true, but with you she has all she’ll ever need...If she has you, despite everything going on, she’s sure she’ll be alright. Natasha doesn’t tell you that though, instead she feigns thinking and says;

“Now that you mention it...I think I’d want to travel the world,” when you raise an eyebrow Nat continues, “Not as assassins but as tourists. Once saving the world gets too exhausting, and your desk job gets boring.”

“God. I can’t wait for the day when I'm a tourist with you. We’re going to be disgusting.”

“We’re going to be happy.”

——

“Natasha!” Steve shouts, pulling Nat right out of her dream and into the real world.

The world where you no longer exist.

She wants to go back to sleep already.

“Nat, you’re still having the dreams?” Steve asks, concern lining his features. “We thought they were gone.”

She’s not having ‘the dreams’. After four months the dreams filled with loud explosions and piercing screams stopped. Now she only dreams of stars, and late night confessions. Now she only dreams of teasing smiles, and promises.

Now she only dreams of wants that aren’t able to come true. Her wants, and yours.

And yeah, it’s worse than the explosions.

Steve doesn’t understand. None of the Avengers do. They didn’t know you, they can’t grieve you. They can’t understand her hurt. They don’t know how many firsts you consist of. They don’t know you’re the first person to ever care for her, and the first person to ever love her.

They don’t know that you’re her hope. That you’ve always been, and without you she’s just...lost.

She’s so lost.

“Are you okay?” Steve asks, grimacing when he realizes how stupid the question is. “Don’t answer that. Just...do you think you’ll be able to train today?”

Natasha nods, harshly rubbing away her tears. Her friends have seen her cry enough for a lifetime these past six months.

She’s tired, but she has to get up. Just for a bit.

——

“I didn’t know we had a new recruit coming in,” Natasha says, eyeing the new person suspiciously.

She really doesn’t want some stranger around the compound. She can’t be pleasant company anymore. Not that she ever really was.

When the stranger stiffens and doesn’t respond Natasha doesn’t know what to do. “What’s with the motorcycle helmet?” She asks, trying to fill the silence.

‘Can’t we just fight?’ The stranger signs.

Natasha is only surprised at the sign language for a moment before she shrugs it off and heads towards the mat. “Do you need me to sign too, or can you hear me?”

‘You can talk.’

“Okay,” Natasha nods, gesturing towards the other end of the mat. “If you even manage to knock me down i’ll give you twenty bucks.”

———-

When Natasha’s sucking in breaths and rubbing around her throat not four minutes later she’s shocked for more than one reason.

Because when the stranger gets off of her and says, with her voice; “God, Nat, I swear you weren’t this bad six months ago. What happened to you?” Natasha can’t really move.

She can’t even really breathe when the new recruit takes off her helmet and reveals someone Natasha never thought she’d be able to see again. “Y/N?”

“Hi.”

And Natasha’s sobbing now, in the middle of the mat with a smug Tony watching, and a confused Steve, and the rest of the amused Avengers.

But all she can really see is you.

You look hesitant, and emotional, but you.

You laughing when Natasha stutters out a “how?” Between her sobs.

You.

“Well Natasha, it wasn’t really that hard to beat you. Do you really want your pointers now?” You ask, smiling that soft smile she’s always loved.

“How are you alive?” Natasha asks, trembling and reaching out a hand. You meet her half way, intertwining Nats fingers with yours and closing your eyes in bliss when Natasha lets out a disbelieving laugh that half sounds like a sob.

“I jumped out a window and got lucky,” you mumble. “I couldn’t make it to the bottom floor in time, I knew that, and I knew my one real chance was the window exit.”

Natasha shakes her head, “but...the explosion still would have killed you, even if you managed to not die from the jump.”

Your expression turns bitter and dark. Haunted. And Natasha wonders why she’s even asking. She doesn’t care, because you’re here and all of that other stuff can be talked about later.

“Oh my god. You’re alive,” Natasha breathes out, effectively pulling you from your memories.

“You really missed me, huh?”

She doesn’t know how you can sound so disbelieving at the thought of Natasha missing you, because really, ‘missing’ doesn’t even feel like a big enough word.

“I was dying,” Natasha sobs, pulling you into a hug. Finally. Finally.

“Me too,” you admit, and though you can’t really imagine what Natasha felt like thinking you were dead...the past six months have been the worst of your life also. And yeah, you were dying too. Literally and figuratively.

Natasha feels like she can finally breathe after six months, and you feel like you can finally breathe after four years.

“I’m free, Nat,” you whisper to her, voice wobbly. Natasha clutches you tighter. “I can finally have my fucking desk job.”

“And we have the loud neighbors you’ve always wanted.”

Natasha starts pressing kisses over her face when she notices your shaking shoulder, and she doesn’t care how ridiculous she looks doing it with her own shakiness.

“I love you, Nat. I love you so much. And I'm sorry for taking so long to come back to you,” you force out, closing your eyes in a faulty attempt of trying to get the tears to stop.

All Natasha feels is love. Overwhelming love battling with relief.

“I’m sorry you ever had to search.”

You laugh, wondering when the two of you are ever going to have more than apologies to offer to each other. “Does this mean I can finally give you the world?” You ask, wanting to.

“God, Y/N, you already have.”

And maybe, besides apologies, you two will always have love to offer too.

“But you still want, right?”

“Yeah,” Natasha agrees, dazed. “I still want.”

She wonders why all of her wants suddenly involve you besides her.

“Good, because I do too.”

[julyarchives]

Tendae (텐데) || (M) Teach Me pt.4

You realized that Wooseok is the one person that can bring you comfort whenever you two are together, and the holiday spent alone with him only intensified the tingly feeling inside that scares you so much.

→ Pairing: Wooseok x Reader

→ Genre: Smut

→ Words:  4.5K

→ Contains: Smut; Friends To Lovers; Virgin!Wooseok; fingering; there is a small anxiety attack at the beginning; lots of touches; conflicted feelings

→ A/n: So, this chapter incorporates 2 requests that have been recently sent to us, thank you so much to the people who've done it, it was really nice to imagine Wooseok in these situations and turns out we are a sucker for him (can you blame us tho?). Anyway, we hope you guys like it! (Also, yes, the title is inspired by Bobby's song, because that has GOT to be their theme song, it's perfect)

→ Index: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

You tried to sleep, really. You put on some calming music and the tv was on to keep the room dim light but it was no use. Tossing and turning in bed was something that became a habit after you had to deal with your life choices. You got yourself in a really tiring situation, between babysitting your best friends and dealing with two simultaneous educational courses, you barely had time alone to just relax. To make it worse, the rain started to pour heavily outside and you sighed, it was only a matter of time for the nightmare to begin. Sometimes even you forgot how scared you were of thunder and storms, they didn't occur often and when it rained, it was light but you just knew that an anxiety attack was on the way when the first loud thunder resonated. Covering your head with the blanket, you sank into the mattress and wished for it to go away. There was only so much you could deal with by sighing and wishing for the best. The noises got louder and the light music was no longer catching your ears, tears now threatening to fall and your fear only growing bigger. It seemed like a couple of minutes went by you figured, even though it felt like hours to you and there was no sign of the storm stopping. A somehow even louder bang caught your attention and you jumped, how the hell did it thunder inside your room?

"Y/N?", a desperate whisper was heard by the door and you cautiously peeked from under the covers. Wooseok was standing by the door with a pillow under his arm and his hand holding his chest as if to catch his breath. "I was asleep, the thunder woke me up. Sorry it took me so long to come", he said, still whispering, maybe to not scare you even more.

You nodded without being able to speak, you just knew the tears would fall if you tried. Wooseok closed the door behind him and even jumped lightly when another thunder filled the room. That spurred him on, quickly moving to gently pry the blanket from your head and you scooted over, making room for him, only to have him settle quickly with his own pillow and pull the covers back up, covering both of your heads. He smiled sweetly at you and opened his arms in invitation, one which you gladly accepted. The moment your head was against his chest you cried, feeling protected like this after the overwhelmed fear you felt so strongly was too much and you felt Wooseok hugging you stronger. Your small sobs were barely audible because of the thunder but you knew he felt how your body moved as you cried and you were thankful he just hugged you in silence. You heard him hum to some tune and you wondered if he could hear the music you had put to sleep.

"Y/N?", Wooseok called you and you moved your head back to look at his face, "are you still crying?", as he asked it, you let out a sniff, making you both chuckle.

"Does that answer you?", your voice wasn't sounding normal and even then you knew it was okay because he understood it.

"I remember when I didn't get much screen time at a tv show and you found me crying in my room…".

You remembered that. It was at the beginning of the friendship, he was reserved and shy but when they guys showed up looking awkward and Wooseok just walked past everyone, you had to follow him. He was under the covers and you heard the small whimpers of crying and you didn't think twice, your instinct told you to slip into the mattress with him, you laid down to watch a wide-eyed Wooseok who was sniffing and trying to control his crying. You understood how he must have felt, not good enough because the editing and the hosts ignored him almost completely. You needed to show him he was so much more than that but he was too reserved for you to know what to do, so you just held him and he quickly hid his face in your neck and cried until he fell asleep. Since that you always shared a bed and got so much closer.

"I remember that too", you said, your crying slowing down. "I'm glad you let me stay that day". He sighed, holding you closer.

"I'm glad too". He shyly kissed the top of your head and went back to humming a song. Paying attention to the vibration of his chest and his warmth, you soon fell asleep even as it still poured outside.

Waking up was the hardest part since it was a while that you slept so well. Moving a bit you noticed that the blanket was no longer covering your head but Wooseok was still next to you, hand-holding close by the waist. He was soundly asleep and you sighed, torn between wanting to stay with him and needing to start your day. The struggle didn't last long as you needed to go to the bathroom, so you wiggled a bit so he could let go of you but you ended up being pulled closer against him, his hand possessive around you. He groaned in his sleep, displeased that you were moving and you chuckled silently, now taking his hand in yours to move it away from you. For a second you let your fingers intertwine and you smiled, a warmth you knew all too well invading your chest but as always, you decided to ignore it and move away.

The house was abnormally quiet and you did your morning hygiene quickly and surprisingly in peace. After choosing a comfortable slip-on dress, you got into the kitchen which was also weirdly empty. Usually, at least one person was rummaging around for snacks and you made sure to look around to search for any of the boys. As you made your favorite breakfast food and drink, you noticed the fridge covered in small notes in all different colors and shapes, each of them from one of the boys letting you and Wooseok know that they'd be out. Some would be traveling since it was a holiday, others would be visiting their families and you frowned, you didn't even know it was a holiday, studies were taking up most of your time and all you knew was your deadlines. Opening the group chat for the house, that featured all the boys, you typed a quick text wishing them a good holiday break and resumed eating.

After finishing, you slightly debated if you should go to your own home to study but with a sigh and a shy amused smile, you got up and went to the empty room they reserved for you so you grab your notebook. The boys going to the army was something not very pleasant but at least you got a bed and a room to yourself, lucky two of them went almost together.

You got inside quietly and tiptoed around the bed so as to not wake up the giant asleep on the bed, his feet almost completely out of it. Your backpack was at reach and you took it with you as silent as you could. With your back turned to the bed, you made sure to look twice to see if you forgot anything.

"Tell me you made breakfast", a raspy sleepy voice resonated behind you. You jumped and your backpack almost flew away from your hands.

"Don't do that, Wooseok! Warn me before talking!", he laughed at that, arm resting on his face.

"Sure, I'll squeak before talking so you don't get scared", he was fully laughing and you watched him fondly.

"Shut up", you slightly pouted and he sat upon the bed, moving so you could almost stand between his knees. "There is breakfast but I should eat it myself for that".

"I just woke up, Y/N. Give me a break", he smiled and gosh, wasn't he charming, hair all messy, voice deep from sleep, made you remember all the times you two shared touches, your cheeks feeling warm.

As if sensing where your mind was going, Wooseok slowly moved his arms and placed his hands on your waist, barely touching it. Your first answer was to drop the backpack and place your hands on his shoulders, moving closer. When he stretched his upper body, your body knew what to do before you even registered the action. You moved lower and your foreheads touched, such an intimate touch and yet so innocent. Both of you whispered good morning shyly and like waking up from a dream you almost flinched away, grabbing your things from the floor and clearing your throat.

"There's food ready. I'm gonna study, alright?", he nodded a bit stunned by your sudden change. "Everyone is away and it's just the two of us today", and with that, you walked away.

The morning went by without a single problem, you focused on your studies while Wooseok watched something with headphones or just played on his phone. Your only breaks were bathroom breaks and you were almost certain that you wouldn't even drink water if Wooseok didn't leave a bottle there every half hour.

Lunchtime came and you got up your chair to stretch and rummage through your phone, sitting next to Wooseok. Part of you noticed how there was a full empty large couch and two chairs available but you still sat on the two-seat couch thigh to thigh with him. You shook your head physically to get rid of these thoughts and quickly opened the food delivery app, nudging Wooseok to check it with you.

It wasn't a hard task to decide on lunch since you two knew what you liked and soon enough the food arrived. The small chit-chat was alien even to you and part of you knew that it was because you fled his embrace earlier. That scared you because even though you started whatever you two have it shouldn't be affecting you this much. Of course, he was your best friend and you knew everything about each other, and yeah, knowing a girl at work was coming onto Wooseok was bothering you and staying alone with him like this made you nervous like never before but hey, if you ran away it'd go away sometime, right?

After eating, Wooseok took care of the dishes and you laid on the big couch, closing your eyes for a moment to at least pretend everything was normal. After a few minutes of you being completely still, you felt a presence in the room and then the external lights went missing and the dark of your closed eyes got even darker. You opened one eye and fought back a smile to see Wooseok standing and looming over you curiously.

"What", you breathed out.

"Checking if you didn't die", he seemed serious and that made you crack, sitting up while laughing hard after he stepped back and he sat next to you, his arm going to your shoulder like it was natural. Did you two always do stuff like that? You weren't even sure but you let yourself enjoy the moment for a bit before going back to reality. "Seriously, you looked dead".

"That was my soul you were seeing", you smiled at his horrified face and you held it with both hands. "I'm joking, silly. I'm just too tired". Without thinking straight, the impulse to feel the moment was too strong and you left a peck on his mouth, quick and yet it made a small sound. "Gonna go study", you rushed over your words, getting up like a lightning bolt and running to the table. If you looked back, you could see a blush spreading on his face, him watching you, face torn between amusement and shock.

It wasn't before three hours went by that Wooseok showed up at the table you were studying on and threw a bag of chips on it.

"Not hungry", you mumbled, a very important part of the analysis you were writing was being refined and you were so close to finishing it that you barely looked up.

The sound of the chair next to you being pulled didn't bother you, neither did the sound of a bag being open. Somehow not even Wooseok sloppily placing a chip on your mouth didn't bother you either. What did bother you was his face showing up between you and the computer screen.

"Move!", you said rather loudly. He didn't answer and moved, thankfully. Some minutes went by and the chips kept coming for which you were thankful.

As you finished writing and started proofreading what you wrote, you felt the ghost of a hand touching your thigh. You frowned and looked at him, who was casually scrolling on his phone with the hand that was away from you, even though you noticed his cheeks being red. You took a deep breath and resumed reading, only to have your thigh gently squeezed by him.

"What are you doing?", you said through your teeth. Since when does he have the nerve to touch you like that?

"I'm checking my phone", he showed you his phone, looking at you as if you were crazy and his actions were obvious.

"Wooseok, I'm busy right now".

"Oh, I know, Y/N". The hand squeezed harder and you shuddered. Shit.

You decided to see how far he could take this and honestly how far could you rest it, so you just ignored it once again. Your mind was on the verge of shutting down but you were almost finishing so you pushed forward. All the time you read, his hand went further on your thigh, reaching your pelvis but not really touching you. It was driving you mad and the way he pretended he did nothing was somehow attractive.

When you finished reading and started closing the software, his hand got braver and touched you through your panties, rubbing lightly, long fingers teasing the extension of it. The tension of his hand on you this whole time was taking all your attention and you bit your lip to not smile as you closed everything. Truth is, there was no way you could focus on anything other than Wooseok with his hand on you like that and you knew how shy he was, so you read your work as sloppy as you could, not paying attention at all, just to make him stay a bit longer.

Your back fell on the chair and you groaned, his finger insistently massaging your clit through the panties. You looked at him then, his phone forgotten on the table, his other hand gripping his pants' leg enough to turn the knuckles white. His eyes were trained on you, his mouth slightly parted and breathing irregular. He looked as affected as you were and you were the one being touched, you reached to his nape and caressed the hair gently, hoping to get to him how grateful you were for him.

The action spurred him on, his hand moving to touch you inside the panties and that got you surprised. You'd be lying if you didn't think he never looked hotter than now, the hand caressing his locks now gripping it. He groaned when he felt how wet you already were for him and moved his hand harder on your clit, getting small whimpers from you. Your hips moved on their own accord, his other hand now touching himself above the pants and you noticed.

You snapped when he flicked your clit perfectly as he gripped his member and hissed, the stimulation being too much for you. Moving fast, you got his hand away from you and straddled Wooseok fast enough to surprise him. Luckily he caught on quickly and held you, hands firm on your ass. You kissed him with fervor, hands making a mess of his hair and it almost seemed like no matter how close you were it wasn't close enough.

You moved your hips almost too desperately and he matched your rhythm, giving as good as he got and you moaned, the whole thing too hot. All the times you two had together flashed through your mind and it only spurred you further, lust overpowering anything else.

"Y/N", he whimpered as you moved just right on top of him, his hips stuttering. "We can't do this here", he panted out.

You stopped and looked at him. His eyes were dark and he was out of breath, his hands never once relenting his grip on you, his hair was a mess and his lips were red and plump from kissing. The pang on your heart almost made you back out, get up and leave but his face was watching adoringly, also lust-driven, and he started leaving small kisses on your neck. You knew you lost the fight.

"Since when you know how to be so bold?", you chuckled and he followed, the humming feeling good on your skin.

"You taught me", was his simple answer, kissing your mouth gently. "We can go to my room if you want or we can go where you're sleeping".

"Your room. It'd be too weird to do this in Jinho's and Hui's room, right?", you smiled and he answered in kind, helping you get up at once and holding your hand during the walk upstairs.

You were very nervous out of a sudden and you didn't even know why. It wasn't your first time with anyone and you knew what you were doing. You taught him after all. But when you felt his hand slightly shake when you reached the room it finally dawned on you. If things went where you felt they would, it would be the first time with him. It would be his first time when it came to actual sex.

Wooseok opened the door and waited for you to enter so he could close and lock it behind you. Even though you were alone in the house, you knew it was better to be safe than sorry here. As you expected, he was nervous and stood there looking at you with his hands on his sides. You smiled fondly, your heart taking leaps on your chest and you touched his face gently.

"It's okay. It's just me". He smiled, kissing you slowly, savoring the moment just like you were. "We don't need to do anything else, reall-"

"I want it", he cut you off eagerly. Then he laughed shyly and gave you a peck. "If you want to, that is".

"Of course I do", you felt a sudden calm wash over you, and that made sense. Not knowing where stood and now having sure he wanted this as much as you made you feel better.

You took a step back and took your dress off, leaving you in your undergarments. He did the same seconds later, standing there in his underwear. Holding his hand, you took you both to his bed and since it was a tight fit, you laid him down and sat on top of him, gently laying down to kiss him and moved with it. That seemed to ease him into it again, this was something you did before and he excitedly followed, rubbing his hard member on your clothed core.

The moans coming out of your mouth were needier than you intended but your body needed him badly and you knew he was the same. You didn't waste time getting up and losing the rest of your clothes, staying naked in front of him. You fought your own shyness back as he stood again and took off his underwear. Wooseok stared at you for a second and then smiled, kissing you tenderly and laying back on the bed. You followed and laid next to him, touching him just like the first time, him nervously watching you only this time was during broad daylight and he was more confident, his own hands traveling across your body, feeling your breasts, your stomach, your arms, everywhere he could reach.

"Do you have any condom?", you whispered.

"Yeah, top drawer". Honestly, you didn't know what answer you expected but you raised your eyebrow at him as you got up to get it.

"Can I ask?", you said coming back.

"One of the guys gave it to me when a girl at work invited me out", Wooseok answered shyly, barely looking at you.

You scoffed and straddled him, letting his cock fit on your slick slit and you moved lightly.

"Too bad you'll be using it with me, isn't it?", you said with more intensity than you expected. "I heard about this girl before", you kissed his neck teasingly, he could stare at you and hold onto your waist. "What was she thinking? That she could take you away from me?", jealousy waking over, and even you were surprised. The first time you heard about the girl you got mad but apparently it was bottled up so nicely inside you that you only noticed now.

"N-no", he stuttered as you bit his neck, hips never stopping its movement. "I kept it because I wanted to use it with you". You stopped. Did he want to do this with you? Wooseok was hoping to get you alone and go all the way with you. It was different hearing it directly from him and you were stunned. He saw it and smiled, it was his turn to kiss you, his upper body more sat up than laying down. His hand caressed your cheek and he looked deeply into your eyes. "I want you".

You could have sworn time froze and your heart stopped. He was staring so intently at you that you felt frozen, only remembering to answer when he changed from intense to doubtful and you were quick to kiss him and hoped that the kiss would tell him everything you couldn't. After you came up for air, you quickly sat next to him and put the condom on for him, which he watched attentively.

"I want you on top of me", you said in a small voice. After all you said, somehow you felt pliant, needing his proximity to deal with it.

Wooseok obliged and you quickly adjusted on his bed, his frame towering over you. Your hands were on his face, thumbs caressing it gently while he supported himself in one hand and aligned himself with the other. You nodded when he faltered, waiting for your approval. As he entered you, two things were registered by your lust hazed brain. The first one was how deliciously he stretched you, you enjoyed his dick before but now you just knew you were doomed. The second one was how lost in pleasure he already looked when he got inside inch by inch. He was dragging the movement to get inside, going slowly and you didn't think it was for you. His mouth was open and a long groan escaped him.

He looked at you a bit desperate, needing to move as quickly as you'd let him and you almost chuckled. You settled for a smile and moved your hips up, indicating he could move. He started slow, going almost completely out before thrusting inside hard. His pace was driving you mad, hands now roaming on his back while his face was buried on your chest, kissing and licking his way all over it.

You endured it as much as you could because it was so good and he seemed so lost in pleasure but it got unbearable and with a hushed "please go faster" you pleaded. Usually, you were vocal during sex but somehow you were so lost in pleasure and in feeling his body all over yours, his cock moving so perfectly inside that you seemed lost for words. Wooseok quickly changed his pace with a grunt and his noises started to come out. Your mouth was open while you tried to keep your eyes open as well but failed many times. You could see he was trying the same but more often than not he got lost in your chest or closed his eyes in pleasure.

You knew neither of you would be able to last longer and it felt like heaven to feel him getting closer to his orgasm with you, his body moving fast and him gripping the sheets while he supported himself on his upper arms. You were sure his back had a few scratches because it was just too good to know you were marking him, his noises while you did that didn't help at all. Wooseok didn't need to say anything to you. Neither you did to him, you were in sync even then and he gave you space to touch your clit, which you gladly did. He tried to warn you but he couldn't, he came with a shout mid-sentence, body trembling as much as yours. Your orgasm followed his, watching him being too much to handle and the overstimulation was perfect.

You two kept moving even after, riding off both of your highs, and all the while you stared at each other's eyes. His stare was so full of feeling that you felt breathless a bit, you closed your eyes, relying on your orgasm to blame if he asked, even if you knew he wouldn't. He awkwardly laid next to you because he could barely fit and you laughed, moving to the side so he could fit. Wordlessly he took the condom out and tied it, placing it next to the bed and you made a mental note to not forget that there.

Laying facing each other you didn't know what to say so you giggled, amused, nervous, and happy at the same time and so did he, possibly for the same reasons. Wooseok moved so you could lay on his chest and so you did, even though you wiggle up in the bed to lay your head on top of the pillow, body seeking support on his. You kept staring at each other until he moved to give you a peck and a small nudge nose to nose. Butterflies invaded your stomach and you felt yourself holding on for dear life inside.

"Do you feel as fucked as I am?", Wooseok said.

"What sense of the word are we talking here, Wooseokie?", you laughed with him.

"You know what I'm talking about. You know, the stares and stuff", his way with words made you smile. You were thankful you didn't feel it alone.

"Yeah, then I feel as fucked as you are…", you kissed him and caressed his hair again, earning a noise almost like a purr.

"Hm. What do we do?", he asked while caressing your hair as well.

"I don't know. Decide what's for dinner?".

"Easy. Pizza", he answered naturally and you snuggled closer.

"Then what we do is call the pizza place". You said quickly and he agreed with a hum. "But now we nap".

"Nap first, pizza later", he said almost asleep and honestly you were the same, the atmosphere too cozy and nice to not succumb to sleep. Maybe you were fucked but at least you were with your adorable dork.

[notmanagingmymischief]

ok ok first of all, thank you for being so sweet with me :") i love you sm sxjnsjxhs 💕💕

now. im just going to say that this happened irl btw lol so. yeah, theres this friend of mine who i like quite a bit, they have always managed to be nice and understanding of my anxiety, adhd and what else is probably going on inside my brain lol so i grew very fond of them and also came to trust them a lot.

but, today, while we were doing a group project w the just the two of us, when deciding upon a few matters i became overwhelmed and couldnt think properly - which happens quite often tbh - and they then suddenly snapped at me for being 'way too slow' regarding figuring things out for said project, and that i should just do things on the spot, and do them quickly - even though thats something i kept on telling them about ever since we met, that this is definitely not how it works for me, unfortunately.

i became rather defensive because if that was something that i could change for their sake then i would do so at any given moment, trust me on that. but i couldnt. i mean, its my brain after all-

i tried to tell them that we were different, that despite whatever they tried to say i couldnt just work at the very same pace as them. but after some ridiculous arguments being thrown, i was just tired and decided to shut up and continue on doing what we were doing anyway.

so.. what made me extremely confused is that they never acted that way with me, they were always so sweet and just. so understanding of me. i was genuinely sad to see them angry like that and cant stop wondering if i did something wrong, or if me being so slow was actually my fault.

i just. dont know what to think of this and wanted a clearer picture before just deciding to talk to them about this, you know ?

im sorry if this is confusing, and if so i can totally make a few things clearer for you - add details and such.

i just want to know if im in the wrong here, and if im the one who should be properly apologizing to them about this-

also. theyre very focused on the school system and tend to be very strict regarding lessons and stuff like that, so them lashing out like this because we were late to deliver this project would be def reasonable, but they always seemed to understand where i stood in such a fucked up system and that i couldnt function or thrive in a place as such like they could, so i always hoped and assumed that they truly came to know about matters like this, and that they wouldnt get mad at me for not being able to fit in properly.

(i too dont know why they kept on being by my side all this time if im way too slow for them, or why they kept on pairing up with me if they have more than friends than i will ever have on that school. they could have just picked someone else, but despite knowing how slow i am they still accepted being my partner and still came to lash out on me for being. me apparently ?)

i genuinely dont know what happened and dont want to continue on making them angry at me because of this, and i surely dont want to lose the only friend i have there.. so, if you have any advice or if you might know what the hell just happened id greatly appreciate it ;;

(sorry for the huge text btw. im just bad at like. summarizing things)

sorry this took me forever to answer i was proofreading some work mbgfhtjv

ANYWAY i did my best to space this out well enough to understand--at least how it would help me to understand hyugtjhrytnh-

now this is...this is a really tough topic hun. as someone who also has executive dysfunction--not that i'm saying that's what you necessarily have, i'm just using the term from my end--i know what it's like to not be able to work at the same pace as everyone else.

so i'll let you know the most important thing first: this was not your fault. it will never ever be your fault that you don't work the same way that they do. alright? that's very very important to remember, no matter how much you may feel like it.

it is not your job to apologize for being different, that's like me apologizing for not liking guys when my best friend is only attracted to men, you understand? you didn't choose to be born different, just like i didn't choose to be born gay.

now that that's through. i realize how difficult this is to comprehend, especially as it's coming from someone you trust and has been here through this, working with you. it's exceptionally strange that they would just....do that randomly? however they could have issues at home, or online, etc. there's a multitude of reasons why they could have snapped today; things could have been building for a while and your comment might have just made them break.

i think the best approach for you--and you in no way have to do this, i'm just going off personal experience yet again--would be to address them privately, ask them if they're doing well and be nice about questioning what happened. don't accuse them of doing something wrong, just tell them that, hey, that really hurt me and i'm really confused on why you'd do this when you've been nothing but sweet with me.

you know? i hope that all makes sense, again i'm sorry for taking ages to answer hutrgjhn

i love you!! 💚💚

[devinescribe]

Burnt Out

Bitches... (1, I love you all very much. 2, .... read 1) it's time for some angst...

And the start of me making poly relationship things-

Request away lol (I'm working on a request and small project chapters :) )

Warnings: Toxic Relationship, mentions scars, burns, Manga spoilers, swearing, emotionally abusive behavior, mentally abusive behavior, gaslighting(?) Let me know if I missed any!

You giggled as both men chased after you through the halls of the hotel. "(Y/N), you're wearing socks! You're going to- shit!" Niragi yelled after you, cursing when he saw you fall. You slipped down the stairs. You landed with a thud at the bottom. Tears filled your eyes at the pain, but you swallowed them back, standing up. You yelped, falling back to the floor. Chishiya stared down at you, kneeling besides you,  squeezing your leg. "Ow! Shi-Shi, hurts," you whined, slapping his hand away. He glared up at you. "Maybe don't be stupid next time. I'm just trying to help you," he scoffed, going back to trying to find out what was wrong. "You don't have to be so mean to he-" "Shut up. You're dumber than her, you're the whole reason this happened anyways." He felt people stare, and stopped. "Take her back up to our room. I'll figure out what's wrong there," Chishiya stated, getting up, and walking away. You expected Niragi to yell after him, or repremand him for something, but we're met by silence. "Gi-Gi, you ok?" You whispered as he picked you up softly. He pressed a quick kiss to your forehead nodding.

"Niragi... this isn't the way back to our room," you said, noticing he was taking you the opposite way. "Clever girl," he praised with a smile. You laughed at his words. "I'm taking you to Ann. She has more equipment to help you. I'll get Chishiya after I take you to her though," he explained. You nodded.

_______________________________________

"And then it was like bam, then woosh, and like... wow!!" You exclaimed, trying to find the words to explain your game. Niragi laughed, patting the top of your head. "Sounds fun sweetheart. Tell me all about it after I take a shower," he said. You nodded with a smile, sitting on the edge of your bed. Chishiya had been on the bed, listening to your rambling. "Chishiya, I think it was really cool how you tried to-" you started. "Gods you're loud. Quiet down. And I know. I'm clever, after all. Neither of you would be here without me. Probably dead," he lectured. "But Chishiya, Niragi and I survived without you before we came to the Beach, remember? We were t-" you started, confused at his words. "I get it, he's your favorite out of us both! You make it so fucking obvious. I bet the only reason you wanted both of us is because you're an attention whore who needs multiple men to use her to feel good about herself. Shut up and let me sleep," he shouted. Tears filled your eyes as he turned away from you. Had you really shown favoritism? You didn't try to, if you had. You always made sure you tried to do things with both. Was he feeling left out? Is that why he was being a jerk?

Those were all thoughts running through your mind, not knowing that you weren't the problem. You had spent equal time with both, giving them equal attention. Chishiya just never wanted you around him.

_______________________________________

"(Y/N), come with me. Now," Chishiya ordered. Ten of Hearts. That was tonight's game. And you were terrified. He had pulled you away before anything got to out of hand. You thought that maybe he was trying to be nice. Maybe he had finally come around? Had you given him enough attention? "W-where's Niragi?" You asked, jogging to catch up with him. "Don't worry about him let's go."

You followed him around the whole time, watching as his hands quickly grabbed items. ''What are you making?" You asked, hoping he didn't snap at you. You feared his response. "Something to beat the game with. If you can't bring the witch to the fire, bring the fire to the witch," he said. You sighed in relief. He didn't yell at you, and you were happy about it. "Ok... so... you know who the witch is?" You questioned. "I have a hunch. Now stop asking questions," he stated. "So annoying..." you heard him mutter. You frowned, keeping your lips shut.

Following him up the stairs, you kept to yourself. You knew he wouldn't care about your thoughts. He might yell at you, or call you annoying. You didn't want to make him angry... He was just trying to protect you, right?

"Niragi!" You shouted happily, seeing he was at the rooftop. He wasn't dead. He looked over at you with a smirk. "Ah, so he did keep you safe. Where were you hiding?" He asked, picking up his gun from the floor. "There's many places for me to hide," Chishiya responded. You tried walking towards Niragi, but Chishiya grabbed your sleeve. You tugged at his hand, trying to get away. "Let me go," you said, struggling against him. "No."

The next few minutes went in a blur. All you remember was Chishiya and Niragi arguing a bit back and forth. You were so overwhelmed already, the game getting to you, and now your lovers were fighting. Cards flying, fire, screaming. You couldn't tell if it was your own scream or Niragi's, but it didn't matter.

"C-chishiya what the hell?! W-what?!" You yelled, shaking, stepping back from him. "Hmm... guess he wasn't the witch then,'' he stated, dropping the homemade flamethrower to the ground. He started picking up the cards on the floor. You however tried taking deep breaths, trying to calm yourself. You couldn't. Tears slipped off your face, hands scratching you your arms. You couldn't scream, couldn't talk, couldn't move. It was like you were living in a nightmare.

_______________________________________

There was more instances, of course, but you were so done with everything. Niragi was still alive, to your relief. After all that, he was alive. And that's all that mattered to you. Chishiya had been with you, and still was. Understandably, you were scared of him. Niragi was angry at him, but couldn't do anything about it.

"Look, just tell me I'm right, and we're fine," Chishiya stated bored of the conversation. Both you and Niragi were so tired of this. The constant fighting, gaslighting, and hateful words. Chishiya was just too prideful to admit he was wrong.

It was a relationship between you three. You and Niragi shouldn't be putting in all the work, while he didn't try. At the begin he had. He had tried to be a part of the relationship, giving you both kisses and hugs. Random bouts of energy at 3 am to go to a random room. It had all started slowly going down hill. He pushed you both away, but didn't want to leave. He never left, giving you hope that maybe he really loved you both, and just didn't know how to express it. He had told you about his parents, and you just always tried to excuse his behavior as his trauma, but it just got to a point where you couldn't anymore.

"You're right," you started. You saw him smirk, and continued. "We couldn't fix you," you said. Suddenly he wasn't so sure of where this was going. "You're right, we shouldn't have tried to. Your pride is what you're concerned about?" Niragi said. He was tired of dealing with this as well. All he wanted was to find someone who actually cared about him, and who showed it. He didn't want to be with someone who made him feel alone. You didn't make him feel alone... "I'm still right, he wo-" Chishiya started, getting ready to argue back and forth with you two until you finally gave into him. But that wasn't going to happen today.

"Is "you're right" really all you wanna hear right now?" You whimpered, sitting on your knees next to Niragi.

"Well, you're right, we should've walked away faster... should've know You would only break our hearts after we were already in love," You whispered. You were all hurt. Niragi had severe burns, and bullet wounds, Chishiya had bullet wounds as well. You had burns on your arms and legs, cuts and bruises adorned your (s/c) skin. Most of which Chishiya had caused when he put you in danger at games for his own gain. Or when he needed to test one of the weapons he made, you were his test subject. "Yeah, I guess I'm just not good enough for either of you then. All you two do is act scared of me like I'm the bad guy-"

"You're right, you aren't good enough," Niragi stated angrily, caughing up blood after. He winced in pain at the sudden movement. You felt tears fill your eyes, and shook them away. ''I kissed your scars even after you hurt me, and he held your hand, even when you fucking burned him-" you shouted angrily. "Do you know how embarrassing that was?" Niragi whispered, his voice hoarse and raspy.

"Oh, because it's all my fault?"

"Yeah! That's exactly what we're saying! When was the last time you actually tried acting like you liked us?"

''She's right. You agreed to be with us. This is just fucking embarrassing to be with somebody who hates us, and doesn't even try to hide it."

"I don't hate you two I-"

"Liar."

"We hoped things got better, we hoped that love could turn a monster into a man," you stated, getting angrier by him trying to defend himself. "But it doesn't and it won't

Because you're beyond repair

But there is still someone for her somewhere, who will treat her so nice, you'll wish that you did-" Niragi retorted to his words. He didn't hate you both? He sure did a horrible job at showing it. Niragi knew he would die with his injuries. You would live. You could find someone who would treat you better than either of them could. "For someone so smart you're so fucking stupid to think that we're really that dumb..." you interrupted Niragi. He was losing energy, and anytime he coughed you could tell it was so painful to him. "We love you, but we're done... Pretending this was gonna work... Pretending loving you didn't hurt... Pretending that it doesn't burn when you think you're always right..." Niragi ended. Those words were hard for him to say, and hard for you to realize. You three had just been pretending this was going to work after Chishiya started pushing you two away. You two tried so hard to stay with him, and tried so hard to fit all three of you together, that you didn't realize how much staying fucking hurt.

" 'Cause you're still stuck on your past...You hate him so much but you're just like your dad!!" You screamed, shouting the first thing that came to mind. It hurt him. That was a first. The first time someone's words hurt him. And you, (Y/N), his sweet (Y/N), said them. You could see the shock written all over his face when you said them, and it made you feel a bit bad. Niragi was secretly proud of you, but focused on the situation at hand. Tears feel from your eyes, and you cursed yourself. "(Y/N), I- I'm- I can't... I-" Chishiya stammered. For once, he was at a loss for words. You and Niragi had made him happy. He didn't feel alone with you two, and that scared him. So he tried to push you both away, scared of hurting either of you, but I'm the end, he hurt you more than he meant to. He tried, he really tried at the beginning, the feeling of being together with you two bringing him the feeling of love, understanding, and happiness he'd never felt. But he ruined that. He hurt himself in this instance, he hurt the people he loved, making them scared of him. He realized you were right. He was turning out to be just like his father. He didn't want that. He wanted to wake up, this was surely a nightmare. He would wake up and you would be squished in between him and Niragi. You would be playing with his hair, talking about your dream. You wouldn't be scared of him, and you would all be back at the beach. Like the 10 of hearts never happened. But he knew that was wishful thinking. This was real, and this was happening. Everything he used to laugh about people worrying about was happening to him right now. This was his karma. It had finally caught up to him.

"And I know, that you tried...Gave it all that you had," you whispered through tears. No. He couldn't let the one thing that made him happy slip through his fingers. But... he had to let you go. You wanted to leave. Niragi wanted to leave. It would be cruel to both of you to make you stay. So he stayed quiet. Did you really think he tried? That made him feel a tiny bit better. You thought he tried. That he tried to make things work. "And being a monster doesn't necessarily make you bad..." Niragi added quietly. He was a monster. The words he had said to not only you, but Niragi could back that up. Not just his words either. His actions. He was a horrible person to both of you. Why did he expect both of you to stay with him, when neither of you had anymore energy to put into the relationship.

"But...even if we could staple it back together now... we all know that you can't light a fire that's already burnt out," Chishiya whispered. You both looked up, shocked he was agreeing with you. Was he crying? Neither you nor Niragi had ever seen him cry. Niragi chuckled a bit, not at the fact that Chishiya was crying, but at the fact that this was what it took for him to care. "Fuck... it hurts," Chishiya muttered with a laugh. "My injuries hurt less than losing both of you... fuck... I-"

He was interrupted by a voice. The games were over. "Oh my gods... we can go home! I reject citizenship in the borderlands," you said. "Same. I don't want to stay here. Fuck that," Niragi stated. "I also reject citezenship of the borderlands. This is like a personal hell..." Chishiya muttered. A bright light obstructed your vision.

You walked on crutches into their hospital room with a smile. " 'M back!" You chirped. You had all been in an accident, as a lot of people that were currently in the hospital were. You didn't know why, but the seemed so familiar. You liked being around them, and constantly visited them. "Ah, finally a pleasant noise to hear," the blonde man complemented. You could hear the teasing tone directed towards the other man in the room. "I can't really help it can I? So... shaddup..." the other muttered. "My nurse told me... that my heart stopped... for a minute," you mentioned, sitting in a chair in between their beds careful to not hurt your legs more. They had burns and scars, nothing tho serious. "What a coincidence. Us too," Chishiya said. You nodded, humming in acknowledgement. "I um... I also... get released tomorrow..." you said sadly. "That's great (Y/N). You can head back to your home," Niragi said. You shook your head. "I wanna stay. I don't know why, but you two seem familiar to me. And... I want to know why... it feels like...I don't know how to explain it..." you stated. "I... I've felt that as well," Chishiya admitted. "Ok, good I'm not crazy then," Niragi joked, coughing slightly after. "Well... how about I come visit everyday until you both get released... then we can figure out why? Or get to know each other more? It feels like... I've loved you in a past life kinda thing. Silly of me to say, huh?" You giggled. "I think... we'd both enjoy that... and it's not silly, in fact, we've both been talking about it, and that's how we feel. About you, and each other. It's quite weird, I've never met either of you in my life. You're both rather attractive though," Chishiya said. Niragi snickered and you looked over at Chishiya, who's eats had turned red.

"I said that outloud, didn't I?"

"Yep."

"It's a good thing I find both of you attractive too, blondie."

"Hey, I think you're both cute too! Lemme join in on this!"

"Of course. Join in on it (Y/N)."

I couldn't let you guys be sad, I'm sorry-

Also, I'm going on a trip to Arizona this week, so there will probably not be many (or any) updates. Sorry, but I do hope you enjoy this!

[akarinittalovers]

•Nanaba Part I: Confessions

It was quite a boring day in the Survey Corps, there is nothing to do. No, saying that there is nothing to do is not correct, there are still many tasks to finish especially this early in the day. This was just all you do after being promoted as a squad commander. There was just a lot and a lot of paperwork especially in between expeditions like right now.

You let out a sigh as you finish another stack of paper for today. But still, your work here is far from over. You peek at other stacks of paper on your desk waiting to be done. You will be here for a while.

You place your head on the desk taking a short break. Honestly, you wanted to cry and just run away from all this, you would prefer to fight a titan than doing this. Suddenly you straighten up your back and slap both of your cheeks.

'No, we are fighting Titan so that we could live peacefully like this.' you thought to yourself.

With Your spirit renewed and you prepare to fulfill your duty to completion. But as you grabbed on the next paper to fill there are knocking on the door of your office. You are honestly a little pissed off by it but then again it might be something important or at least something that elevated your boredom and hopefully not an additional task.

You calmed and tidy yourself up before permitting whoever was outside of the door by saying "please come in."

After you say that the handle on the door moved downward and it's slowly open revealing a figure of the person who knocked. A short hair blonde woman, not very tall and she has a somewhat petite body.

"Excuse me." That person said before entering and closing the door behind her back.

You silently thank the heavens. The person who just enters your office is someone you actually want to see.

"Oh, Turn out its Nanaba." You said

"Is it a bad time, sir?."

You shook your head gently before the answer her. "Not really, I just finished part of my work though I still got some left."

"I see, hope I am not bothering you too much, sir." She said as she walks towards your desk. You are almost mesmerized by how gracefully she walked - Well, we are being honest here she just walked like a normal person but for you, she was as graceful as a butterfly. -

"Not at all, I'm glad you can come here, and could you stop calling me sir, please. Call me by my name."

"Eh?... Why not it sounds nice on you." She said as she moved aside your stack of paper and then she sits on your desk. "You deserve it, after all, Squad leader." She said teasingly.

You sighed tiredly as she let out a small laugh.

"I think you're the one who deserves to be promoted. Your skills are far better than mine after all." You said to her.

"Well, that is true. I am skilled and talented moreover I am cooler than you." She said in a teasing manner. But then her tone changes into something more serious. "Still, I think you will be a better leader than me. You are smart, courageous, and reliable. You've saved my life many times before, thank you for that." Nanaba said to you with a sweet and gentle smile.

As both of your eyes meet each other gaze your heart skipped a beat and you couldn't help but get flustered to her. It seems that Nanaba also experienced the same thing as you are since you could see a blush forming on her cheeks. To everyone surprised she was the first to avert her gaze.

That doesn't mean that your situation was any better though. Your heartbeat is very chaotic and it perfectly reflects your emotions right now. You cough at your fist as a way to calming yourself down.

"Well, we are comrades after all, and besides you also save mine countless, times before," you said. "Then tell me why are you came here?."

"Why?... No reason I just wanted to see you that all. You have been working all day and don't even come out of this room at all."

"All day?." You asked her.

"Yeah, it's already 8 pm. You haven't come out all day."

"What!? 8 pm?." You shouted at her. You then practically jump out of your work chair and run towards the window and open its thicks blind. The scenery you see outside of your window is shocking. Beautiful sunlight that illuminates the world is long gone and the recruit who is training in the field is nowhere to be seen. "Just how long have I been working here anyway?."

Seeing your shocked face Nanaba let out a laughed.

"Poor thing too focused on doing the task to forget the time. You shouldn't do that you know. Please take care of your health." She said while gently bonked your head. "Just take a rest, I'll make you some tea."

"Yeah, you are right thank you."

You return to your seat and resting your back on it. Your eyes followed Nanaba, seeing her made a hot tea for you. Just by seeing her like this was honestly enough to restore your energy.

Not long after that, she finished

making you tea and gave it to you.

"Here it is." She gave the teacup to you.

"Thanks." You take a teacup from her hand.

You relaxed your whole body as you began to take a sip from the teacup. The fragrant taste of the expensive tea began to fill your mouth. It was quite expensive tea that only rich merchants could buy. You only got your hand on this because you got a particularly generous discount and you got some money saved. Honestly, You rather saved this tea for special occasions but again since Nanaba was the one who made the tea its should be count as a special occasion right?.

You close your eyes trying to savor as much tea flavor as possible. Your mouth then let out an "Ahhh," as the tea wash down your throat filling it with a warm delight. Still, despite you being drowned out by pleasure, you couldn't help but notice a pair of eyes surveying your every movement.

You decide to see what's up with that and you saw it. Nanaba sitting at your desk, one of her hands holding her head in her hand. Her face is filled with a gentle yet beaming smile and Her gaze is fixated on you.

"Wha-." Before you could finish your word Nanaba hands already reached both sides of your cheeks, holding them quite tightly.

"You know, I lied to you," Nanaba said.

You who were still left speechless by her previous action started to wonder what does she meant by 'lied to you'. Just as your mind wonders about what going on, Nanaba pulls your face closer to her and places her lips into yours.

At that moment your wondering mind went blank and your body froze unable to move. All of your brainpower to focus on the tender feeling of her lips on yours. The sweet and gentle sensation flooded your senses.

The kiss lasted for a few seconds that felt like an eternity. Though you would love it to last forever there are important that needed to be addressed first.

After Nanaba pulled away from your face and get her hands off your face, you placed your hands on her shoulders. The expression on your face was hideous, it was a combination of scared, disbelief, and panic. But as hideous as it was your expression right now perfectly mirrors your heart.

"Wh- Wh- What are you doing Nanaba?."

"I got tired," Nanaba said.

"Tired?." You tilt your head slightly in confusion.

"Well, the thing is I knew that you had a crush on me, and I also kind of liked you. So I decided to if you confessed to me I would accept it. But I am stupid thinking that way. We are members of the survey corps we don't know when we are gonna die. I couldn't just sit around waiting for you to come to me."

Nanaba breaks eye contact with you. You could notice a blush start to forming on her cheeks. The usual confident Nanaba now is nowhere to be seen and what replaces her was the vulnerable Nanaba. Honestly, you feel honored to have her showing that side of herself to you.

After taking a few deep breaths she looks you deep in your eyes, her face filled with conviction that she gonna do it right here, right now but still, it was quite evident that holding back her blush a lot.

"So that why I am betting everything on this," she said. while she was not screaming her tone was definitely louder than she usually was.  "I will live for you so please live on for me. I love you Y/N."

After hearing that you pulled Nanaba closer to you into a tight embrace. In response to your hug, Nanaba also wrapped her hand around your body and rested her head on your shoulder. Surprisingly but expectedly your shoulder where she places her head feels damp. She just let out all of the feelings to you and knowing her personality it was possibly her first time doing it, so it makes sense if she was overwhelmed by it.

"As expected your body is warm." She whispered to you. You also could feel her hands move around your back and petting your head.

"How did you know that I like you?." You asked her.

"I don't know, I lied. I just hope that you do like me. I- I am sorry if I am assuming your feelings, I am okay if- if you don't like me back but just don't hate me." She began to hold you even more tightly while holding back her tear.

You went and gently stroke her short blonde hair as a way to comfort her. "I never gonna hate you Nanaba. You were right I have had a crush on you ever since the first time we meet I want nothing more but to spend the rest of my life with you, to protect you. That is why I am joining the Survey Corps in the first place to be with you."

"So that why you join the Survey Corps, it is because of me." Nanaba looks you in the eyes once more. "Y/N, You dummy I don't need your protection." She bonked your head again "Well since you joined the Survey Corps because of me it's become my responsibility to protect you. Nanaba said teasingly and with a big smile.

"I look forward to being protected by you, Nanaba. I knew you are strong but still, I want to protect you as well."

"Let's promise we look for each other back. Like I said we live for each other." She said smiling.

"That a promise."

Both of you giggle at each other and then that giggle grew into a laugh but not long after that both of you went silent with eyes inspecting each other bodies. She is just perfect in your eyes from her short blonde hair, her majestic blue eyes, and her whole body and You are also as equally perfect in her eyes.

Both of your heads get closer once more. Nanaba could smell the sweet fragrant of the tea you had been drinking as she feels your breath and you also sense a fruity sense from her as her shadow began to cover your eyes. A what felt like an eternity later both of your mouths finally meet again as you went on a passionate kiss with your lover.

Your knees got weaker as you experience something that you always dream of but never actually believe you could do it. You hold on to her for balance while keeping both of your eyes closed so you could focus on one thing, your mouth.

Both of you pulled away from each other faces but both of your arms still squeezing one another bodies tightly. Both of you giggle at each other as your forehead touch against her's. The warm feeling of her breath and her very existence there bring you a sense of euphoria.

"Your mouth still has a sweet tea taste on it," Nanaba said as she released her hold over you and turn away walking towards the exit.

Feeling quite disappointed and confused you grabbed her hand holding her in place before asking. "Nanaba where are you going?."

She then turns her head towards you and answered. "Well, I would love to stay and spend a night here but we can't do it right now."

"Why is that." You asked her.

"Take a guess."

You do as she said and after a short deliberation later you came to a conclusion. Knowing her you are about 90% sure you came to the right conclusion.

"You came here to inform me that Erwin has summoned me to join the meeting at his office along with every high-ranking officer of the Survey Corps but instead of doing that you got carried away teasing me and somehow ended up confessing your love to me. Is that correct, Nanaba-san?." You said with a tired expression on your face.

"Oh wow, your guess is spot on. That amazing Y/N, I always knew you are smart but damn."

You let go of Nanaba hand and walked to your desk and fondle around the papers on it scanning it before choosing to be placed on the paper folder that you'll bring to Erwin.

"Guessing you was easy enough. Well, you go there first, I'll meet you there. I need to prepare the paperwork for the meeting first."

"I see, then see you there."

Nanaba waves her hand at you first before she began to walk away towards the door of your office. She then opens the door and steps outside of it but before she closed the door, she called out your name.

"Y/N..." You look at her. Her head peeks inside a half-closed door to your office, her hand is still on the handle. "I'll look forward to our next hand-to-hand combat training session." She said before closing the door with a wink.

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[latetheff]

Late - Chapter 1

Turn Back Time

Chris Evans x Becky London Raiting: Mature Warnings: This is a grown up kind of story, people will make mistakes, do stupid shit and possibly treat each other in not the best way - if this is a problem for you, I advise you not to read. Other than that, I'll try to tag everything, if you see something that might be trigging and it's not tagged, please, let me know.

A/N: It would be great to read you opinion about this fic!

Is the past a happy place even when it is full of problems? Cause she’s not sure if it’s okay to want back so much a relationship that didn't even work. The short time they’ve been together is a confusing memory - everything was just too much. They had fun, they were absolutely delighted to be in each other's company and they clicked just so amazingly - the kiss, the hugs, the sex - it was just perfect. Everything but her jealousy. And her lack of communication skills. And the fact that she would lie and try to hurt him for hurting her - even if he wasn’t even aware of it. Yeah, she sucks pretty bad.

Becky learned very soon that things wouldn’t function between them. He’s prince charming in person and the only royal thing about her is the spoiled way she was raised. She didn’t consider herself an arrogant person, but she’s aware of all the things she should be able to do to be considered a competent adult and how far away from it she is. At first, she thought she would try and catch up, but the fact that he’s so independent and self-sufficient got her intimidated and she only knows how to fix her problems in a destructive defensive way. To be with him was an exercise in facing her own futility. She was certain the only reason for him to want her is her beauty, fame, intensity, cause she assumes she has nothing else to offer.

She’s talented - that’s something she believes in and the contracts and buzzing around her confirms it - so she puts all her energy into it. Since the break, all she did was work. Now when she looks back at the phone and sees his text, she feels tired like she’s been running and holding her breath for years, although it took only two corridors and an elevator ride. Entering the hotel room, she hurries to the bed, taking out her sandals in the way, and sits, hugging a pillow.

She knows she should have worked on all the things wrong that got her out of that relationship 7 years ago, but she didn’t! She ignored everything and now it won’t work again! Not that she expected to ever have another chance with him, but she should have done it for herself! Instead, she jumped into work and blocked any kind of relationship reflection. This is as close as being able to turn back time but can she do things differently when she hasn't grown or learned anything? Is the weight on her shoulder enough to make her better and actually deserve another chance? Well, here goes nothing.

Hi. - great, very eloquent, she thinks

Can I call you? - Call her? Becky can’t deal with hearing his voice when the words alone are driving her nuts.

No. - Damn, what can she say to avoid this call and keep texting? He didn’t text anything back after her negative, probably imagining she didn’t want to have any contact with him. The truth, Becky, go with the truth.

I want to talk to you. Really. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to hear your voice.

Fuck, I thought you wouldn’t want to talk at all. How are you?

I’m in New York, I have an interview tomorrow and will be filming a campaign in two days. How are you?

Filming in Europe...looking at pictures of you like a lost puppy.

Why?

I’m not sure, I miss you.

I miss you too. I’m so sorry, Chris.

I’m sorry, darling. I wish I could turn back time and make it alright.

It wasn't your fault. At all.

I know it’s too late but I really want to talk to you and see if maybe the good things are still there, you know?

I would really like that too.

Let me call you.

Ok.

When he does, it’s a video call - not what she expected, but she accepts it anyway.

“Fuck, you look gorgeous” she hears him saying almost as if it’s a secret.

“You look tired” she whispers back, concerned about the weariness she can see in his eyes.

Chris gives her the most beautiful sarcastic smile before answering ”Thanks. It’s almost 4 am here, I couldn’t sleep.” He squinted his eyes trying to focus on a red stain on her pillow “Are you bleeding?"

“Oh, shit...yes.” Becky stands from the bed and hurries to the bathroom, taking the phone with her and placing it in front of the mirror as she gets her finger under the water, unaware of the way her dress is pulled to give him a view of her cleavage. “I cut my finger in a glass downstairs when you called and forgot to tend to it” the new information changes his attention away from the delicious curve of her breasts and all the flashbacks tempting him.

“What happened? Are you sure there’s no glass in it?” He asks worriedly, she can see his caring nature once again and it brings back a lot of good memories of the great guy he is.

“I was…” not sure if she should just say the truth and how she was about to fuck some essentially stranger; she looks down and closes the sink, toweling her hands “I want you back, Chris, but I don’t know if I deserve you.”

“Becky..” he tries to cut her but she keeps talking.

“No, that’s not true, I know I don’t. I wasn’t good to you back then and I didn’t work on my problems yet...You’re amazing, really, and I really do want you back, but I have to figure my mess out.”

“Darling, you talk as if you’re a monster. It didn’t work before but it doesn’t mean it was anyone’s fault...and anyway, we can talk and get everything straight. I really want to try again and if you want that too, the past doesn't matter much.”

She’s not sure if she agrees with his reasoning, but she wants to believe in it, in them. Smiling back at him, she gets the phone back and walks to the bed. “It’s been so long...we’ll have to get to know each other all over again.”

“I don’t mind that at all,” Chris tells her. “In fact, I look forward to it. Where are you living, darling?”

“I’m still with my parents...I mean, I’m never there so, it didn’t make sense to leave. You’re probably still in Mass, right?”

“Yep. New house, but yeah. I’ll be there in a month I guess...if it all goes well here. Are you able to visit?”

“I’ll make sure I am. You know this is one of the things I need to adjust in my life...I’m 32, I need to have my own house. I feel like I’m not even an adult, Chris...I don’t even drive! There you are trying to change the world and I can’t drive!”

He feels her getting anxious and the desire to hug her is so overwhelming that his eyes are filled with tears. “Babe, hey, it doesn’t matter. You’re 8 years younger than me. You have time to figure everything out and I’ll help if you let me. Don’t pressure yourself.”

“I miss you. One month you said?” she flirtatiously says.

“Yep,” he smiles, happy to know his feelings are being reciprocated. He tries hard but the yaws are not backing away anymore. She sees it and smiles softly at him, wishing she could be there to cuddle with him.

“Go to sleep, handsome. Call me tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I will. Hopefully this is not a dream.”

“Hopefully. I’ll wait for your call anyway.”

“Hey, I never asked where you were...you look really gorgeous.”

The call date was ending so well and this question will screw up everything. She wants him to go to sleep with a light heart and hope...not overthinking his decision of getting back together. So, she does one of the things that proves she’s not good enough for him. She lies.

“Photoshoot. I really need to take a bath and rest too. Good dreams, big guy.”

“Good night, babe.”

When they hung up, she threw herself back at the pillows - divided between opposite emotions - happiness for the new chance but disappointed with herself for ending the call with a lie. Old Becky says hi.