#anyway I do think that overcoming very reasonable anxiety about conflict and kicking people out of YOUR OWN FUCKING ROOM

[thebluestbluewords]

untitled notes app fic, brought to you by my own anxiety over moving my entire household next week, and also that one plotline in Mal’s Spellbook (I think??) that never made it to the movies.

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“Get the fuck out of my room,” whispers Carlos, his heart pounding a nauseating double-time in his chest. The words ring in his ears, take up residence in his gut, sick and cold and uncomfortable with the initiation of conflict. Survival instincts say to only fight when you’ve got no other options, and he’s supposed to have other choices now. The school rules are very clear that he’s not allowed to haul off and punch people, but talking to a teacher hadn’t done shit, so talking directly with the intruder is the last resort, even though it’s a bad fucking option. “I said, get out!” he repeats, louder. 

Chad Charming whirls around. “Get the fuck out—“ he mocks, voice wobbling in a pale imitation of the anxious whisper that Carlos has begged the gods over and over not to let show in his voice. “Get out of my school you evil freak, how about that?” 

Don’t punch him don’t punch him don’t—

Carlos clenches his hand around his cell phone instead of into fists. The button on the side is digging into his palm, a grounding point of pressure. “I’m calling Mal.” 

Chad visibly recoils. Because of course he does. He’s afraid of both the girls. If Mal were Carlos’s roommate nobody would dare to break into his room, ever. “You wouldn’t.” 

The phone is already in his hand. There’s a particular sort of dead-eyed stare that Evie likes to call the ‘try me, bitch’ stare, and it’s all too easy to let the stony disapproval show through on his face. “Out.” Carlos demands, waving the phone, finger already hovering over the call button. 

“Fuck you,” Chad snaps. “And fuck your friends.” 

“Sure,” Carlos drawls meanly, letting his face fall even more blank and flat and unsettling. “I’ll let them know that’s what you want.” 

Chad’s sneer drops off his face faster than a rat disappears on a pirate ship. His face goes waxy-white, which should be satisfying. Chad deserves every ounce of fear that Carlos can instill in him, and yet somehow it just makes him feel worse to see this stupid Auradon prince cowering in front of him. “Don’t tell them I said that!” Chad squawks, waving his hands like he can erase the spoken words from thin air. “I didn’t mean it like that!” 

Carlos doesn’t have the patience for threats. He’s not Mal, or Evie, or Maleficent, or his own mother. He waves the phone again. Mal’s number is still up on the screen, but he hasn’t actually hit the button yet. “Cute that you think they don’t already know.” 

Chad’s face goes even worse, somehow. “Ah, I have to run—“ he whimpers, and bolts for the door. 

Carlos turns his head ever so slightly to watch the door slam shut behind Chad’s retreating back. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, he walks back over to the door, and clicks shut first one, and then the second latch. The little privacy bolt is the only one that’s meant to be engaged while students are inside, but with one copy of the key out there, it’s not like the second lock is going to be good against any threats anyway. Clicking the locks is just something to do. A piece of the routine. Come home, kick out the intruders, lock the door, try to forget the feeling of being a target for any students who keep half an eye on the news cycles, sleep, rinse, repeat. There’s not really a point in sleeping right now. Carlos rarely feels safe enough to sleep alone, and even with a functioning lock, there’s still windows and teachers with keys and bigger, stronger students who can kick the privacy latches open as easily as they kick a soccer ball. If he were back home there’d be a maze of bear traps between his mattress and the outside world. It’s not better back on the isle, but it’s different in a way that’s familiar instead of strange, and it’s not that Carlos wants to go back, exactly, it’s just that he’s fucking tired, down to his bones, and sleeping was easier back when he knew what the consequences were for sleeping in. 

[thebluelemontree]

I don't know if you've already answered a similar question, if you have I apologize and will look better for it. But do you think Sandor and Sansa would still love each with how much they've both changed? They've almost become new people, but still the same beings.

It’s no problem. I’ve written about that here and probably touched on this in many other posts. 

I wouldn’t frame the question as would they “still love each other with how much they’ve both changed.” It implies that their feelings were already understood as love by them when they were together. What they had was a confusing mess of conflicting emotions that neither were fully capable of understanding or accepting at the time. Each had their reasons for why that was so, which goes to some of the issues that stood between them. While there is chemistry, intimacy, and empathy shown, IMO, it’s better to think of them as possessing the building blocks that can lead to love in the future.  

On the other hand, there was also:

The fact that she’s too young, immature, and unready for a consummated romance with anyone. She needs space and time to grow up and figure out what she wants. Until AFFC, she’s still only comfortable consciously fantasizing about Loras Tyrell, who is non-threatening, conventionally attractive, and uncomplicated. They are still relatively chaste/borderline erotic fantasies. The unkiss takes time for her to consciously accept and embrace as reciprocated erotic desire.  

The fact that he has no idea how to express himself without resorting to the language of violence that he understands best.

The fact that he copes with the unresolved childhood trauma and PTSD in unhealthy ways like his abrasive Hound persona, his overly-cynical worldview, and sometimes abusing alcohol when he’s under stress.

His immaturity and inability to simply ask for and accept the emotional support he wants (which she was perfectly willing to give) without freaking out over being vulnerable with someone. 

The fact that they are on opposite sides of a war where Sansa’s family is in open rebellion against her captors who Sandor owes fealty to. 

The fact that she’s the king’s betrothed. She’s his property. To explicitly act upon any romantic attraction would be considered treason, punishable by torture and death.  

The fact that there is a massive class disparity between them that overshadows the age difference in their world. That’s one reason why neither can put a name to this thing between them. A future queen / high lord’s daughter from an ancient house should not be fraternizing with a non-knight from a house only three generations old. That’s why they struggle even knowing what to call each other because using first names shows too much familiarity and intimacy. This would be true even without any of the other conflicts. Class controls everything in Westeros. 

And yes, he still owes her a big heartfelt apology for his abhorrent behavior during the Blackwater, and he should beg her forgiveness.  

Most of these points I elaborate on in more detail in the links above. If you notice, though, most of these things have either been resolved or are in the process of being resolved. None of these issues were ever insurmountable obstacles. 

The ways in which Sansa and Sandor have evolved even in their separation has been largely positive and complementary of each other. They haven’t grown apart or become incompatibly different at all. If anything, it’s pushed their feelings further along, and it’s clear they are very much on each other’s minds. Since we can see Sansa’s perspective firsthand, she’s only thought about Sandor more since he left.  

Sansa has grown and matured a lot more when we see her in the TWOW sample chapter. Had the five-year gap panned out, she would be legally an adult in Westeros; however, dropping it doesn’t seem to have affected GRRM’s intentions for any of his POVs. She’s in the company of unconventional, sexually mature women in their early twenties who can be role models in navigating adult relationships. The sassy way she takes no shit from a brutally honest Harrold Hardyng shows she has confidence and the ability to go toe-to-toe with Sandor’s gruff personality without getting flustered and running away. After she wipes the floor with him with her wit, she ends up winning Harry over to the point he’s begging for her favor. There is no point in the sample chapter where she voices any anxieties about not feeling ready for marriage, sex, or children. This no longer seems to be an issue for her, so we can assume she feels okay with having an adult relationship at this point.   

Her time as a bastard girl has made her warmer and friendlier. She was always kind, but proprieties and courtesies can also read as aloof and re-enforcing strict class boundaries. Can you imagine Kings Landing!Sansa hugging someone like Lothor Brune, a landless knight, as she does in TWOW? Or preferring the company of a sex-positive widow who enjoys taking lovers or a bastard girl over the “perfect sister” she saw in Margaery Tyrell and her cousins? Hell no. That would never happen. This new Sansa lacks those prejudices and is openly affectionate towards people she was raised to keep at arm’s length. Once she loosened up and stopped reciting courtesies, people actually got to know her and like her for who she is. That’s what Sandor always wanted from her, right? To drop the courtesies and flattering bullshit and just be a real person with him, not a talking parrot. While that criticism was harsh and rudely put, it had a lot of truth to it. It seems to have made Sansa into a happier person and more in touch with her authentic self. Now that she has accepted in Feast that she wanted Sandor like that, what is there to stop her from acting on it later?

The Quiet Isle didn’t exist before Feast. It was written for Sandor to recover and rehabilitate. Not just physically, but he’s getting what constitutes psychological counseling and a treatment plan that deals directly with his worst traits. He appears to meet with the Elder Brother often enough because the latter seems to know quite a bit about Sandor’s backstory, what his issues are, and exactly who Sansa Stark is. The rest of the time, he must observe the no talking rule and do meaningful work as a novice. This man, who once flaunted his contempt for those who couldn’t defend themselves as weak and deserving of death, is put to work digging graves for the innocent victims of violence. All day long, he has to look at the faces of men, women, and children killed by evil men with that philosophy. One brother even yells at him for carelessly tossing dirt around with the shovel, and he silently takes it. No smart ass backtalk. In the evening, he has to serve food and clear plates for men he would have once mocked. They’re men of faith, they’ve renounced violence, and Sandor sits lower in status than them. To Sandor’s credit, he humbly submits to all this in a show of respect and humility. It’s like he wants to learn these lessons they are offering and is allowing himself to be schooled. Now Sandor may always be Sandor on some level (if Stranger kicking down the stable doors and refusing to be gelded is any indication). Still, it does look like he’s become a gentler, healthier, and sober version of himself. The only part of Sandor that Sansa rejected was the Hound, and it’s both stated in the text and by George himself that the Hound is dead. Period. And yeah, it seems like Sandor is in a place where he is unlikely to backslide into old behavior, and he can make that heartfelt and necessary apology to Sansa. I don't think Sandor could ever be okay with moving their relationship forward without making amends first. It wouldn't sit right with his sense of remorse and personal responsibility, which is a good thing. 

All these changes are for the better for them as individuals and as a possible future couple. Contrary to your ask, I would say a positive, fully-fledged romance with "HEA" potential wouldn’t be possible or believable without all the growth and changes they've undergone. When they reunite, they can do so on more equal footing. 

Not that there aren’t more conflicts to overcome. They both are currently wanted fugitives for murders they didn’t commit, so they both need to clear their names and reclaim their true identities. There is still the matter of Sansa’s marital status as Tyrion isn’t dead but their marriage was also unconsummated. She could try to have her marriage officially annulled by the Faith somehow, but to do that, she’ll have to take the risk of revealing her true identity. Again, these don’t seem like plots that won’t be resolved anyway at some point. What about that class divide though? Well, the Starks aren’t like Tywin or Cersei, and they actually value things like faithful service. No reason why Sandor couldn’t be awarded a lordship and lands in gratitude for saving the lives of both Arya and Sansa. I’m just sayin’.  

[kalosops]

“Stupid Piece of Sh*t”

So, I mentioned when I posted the sketch I did of Hollyhock over on my art blog that I might be making a non-art post about BoJack over on my main blog at some point. Well, here's some point. 

Note that this is pretty much being posted unedited and with very little review. I made a deal with myself that I would create this more as a stream of thought and less as a crafted statement as I almost always tend to do, especially when talking about serious topics. So hopefully it makes sense and is digestible.

What I wanted to talk about today was BoJack Horseman Season 4 Episode 6. So, this is your spoiler warning, I suppose.

Anyhow, as any of you who have watched the show probably know, this show gets super intense and way too real on a regular basis. It's a show that touches on a lot of things that many shows and movies opt keep at arms length, bringing many difficult topics (such as abortion, as an example) into the fold to make many a point and realization about them.

This episode, however, was quite a doozy. Despite how intense some of the other episodes have gotten, they'll still be manageable in the sense that they've never made me stop and take some time away to think about them. This episode gains the distinction of being the only one to do that so far. I actually took a day off from my binge-watch so that I could process this one.

Why? Well, the stand-out aspect in this episode was that we really got to experience what goes on inside of BoJack's head, seeing his inner monologue in the form of stylistic animated sections. What I can say about this is that it really nailed the feeling of what depression and anxiety can do to a person's mind. Like, it portrayed it in a frighteningly accurate way, between the way that his thoughts abuse him and how they continually push him to do self-destructive things both minor and major.

I don't often talk about myself on this blog, or really online at all (not even much on my Facebook). I find it quite difficult to talk about my thoughts and feelings, which is something I have struggled with for most, if not all, my life. So, odds are that no one who reads this blog knows that early last year I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I think I've mentioned it online a grand total of one time, in an end of the year journal entry that was quickly pushed aside by another containing a hopeful message for the new year.

So, what I'm saying is that this is actually something that I've experienced. Perhaps not in an exact sense, though probably closer than I would be happy admitting. And it's something that I can't recall being illustrated to quite this accurate a degree in any media I've personally consumed. I've seen hints of it here and there, but rarely do I see it tackled head on, and never quite like this. Honestly, the closest I've seen before is in the film Inside Out and its depiction of both memories being bent out of shape to bring forth the painful parts and the gradual loss of interest in things once considered vital aspects of one's self. And that hit pretty hard as well. If you haven't seen that film, go check it out. It's well worth your time.

I digress, back to the reason I'm writing this. This episode was particularly impactful because it made the reason of why BoJack acts the way he does in many instances crystal clear. This internal monologue constantly egging him on, telling him to do things or not to do things, and lambasting him pretty much either way he reacts to it. Now, having watched the rest of the series prior, it's pretty obvious at this point that BoJack has some /serious/ issues (it's kind of a central theme to many of the show's arcs), but seeing this aspect of his mental state shown so explicitly is quite disturbing, especially since I experience a lot of the same inner thoughts and impulses.

I know on some level that other people grappling with depression and anxiety experience similar things, but, as Hollyhock says at the end of the episode, I know, but I don't always know, you know? There's a major difference between knowing it conceptually and physically seeing it illustrated before your eyes and thinking "Wow, whoever created this really gets this mindset on a fundamental level." I mean, I feel that they must have experienced this sort of thing at some point to be able to depict it with such poignancy.

And seeing the general reaction online to the episode leads me further seeing how not alone I am in experiencing this sort of thing. I've seen a multitude of comments from a variety of places (reddit, AV Club, etc.) where people are expressing similar feelings to what I am. That this episode hits really close to home, that it showed this idea that they understand personally but perhaps never truly believed other people could understand.

Now, to explain the reason that it bothered me so much. I feel that I see way too much of myself in BoJack, and this sort of cemented this idea. I mean, I don't (and never plan to) do drugs and I'm not an alcoholic, though honestly the possibility of alcoholism never feels too far away. Many days I feel that the only reason I'm not seeking to be drunk regularly is the lucky factor of having people constantly rely on me for transportation (I have a roommate that cannot drive themselves to work and a father who flies regularly for work but cannot deprive us of the car and such requires drop-offs/pick-ups). As such, I literally just cannot do it, no matter how much I may want to.

I'm not quite sure what would happen if I didn't have such an obligation. I already spend quite an excessive amount of time just out at places because I feel that need to escape, to be somewhere, anywhere else. For me, that means sitting at a Taco Bell and gorging on unhealthy food and drink rather than sitting in a bar drinking, but is that terribly far from the realm of possibility in the future? Probably not. And that thought really shook me up.

I doubt I could act quite as horribly as a character like BoJack has in the past, but I truly think that's only because my anxiety issues prevent it. They prevent a lot of things, actually. Between stopping me from lashing out at other people despite having an entire tirade planned out in my mind, begging to be unleashed, and preventing me from self-harm almost solely due to how it might negatively impact others, I constantly have a conflicting voice of conscience that pulls me from the breach even as I gaze deeply into the abyss.

It's a frightening state of mind to be in, it truly is. And despite there being ways to manage it, it's not a very easy thing to do. Back when I was diagnosed, I was put on an SSRI as an attempt to quell my mental state. To be fair, it worked decently for a time (I was on it fairly consistently for about six months), allowing me to ignore the inner monologue in most cases, though never completely silencing it. But it wasn't quite enough of a kick to get me to stick with it. In the end, my anxiety won out (in part due to the prospect of losing my insurance as it was about the time I lost my job), preventing me from setting my follow-up appointment and leaving me unmedicated to this day.

Despite having insurance now, I've not yet been able to muster the strength to return to the doctor's office to get a new prescription. I'm not terribly surprised as I delayed my first doctor visit for over two years after the concept of having depression occurred to me. And I only did that because I found myself in a situation where overcoming the crippling anxiety keeping me at bay was easier than the alternative. Sadly, this is an unlikely thing to repeat. Maybe someday a similar situation will present itself, but who knows.

I've rambled on quite a bit at this point about things, and this post has been rather self-involved at this point (which was not at all my intention when I first started writing it, but I suppose was inevitable). So let me leave it with a few final thoughts.

If you're reading this (and somehow made it this far), thanks for listening.

If you also feel that this episode hit way too close to home in this regard, please do yourself a favor and seek professional help. Odds are if this sort of monologue plays out in your head on a regular basis, there is a problem that is best attended to and not left to fester. I know you've probably thought about seeking help before, possibly even for years, but still, sometimes it's helpful to hear it from someone who gets it. You can overcome it and get the help you need, but you have to be the one to take the first step. No one else can do it for you. Do what you need to in order to get it done. For me, it was blasting my most inspiring CD in the car while sitting in the parking lot of the doctor's office for a half-hour or so just to muster the strength to go in and make an appointment, but you may need something different. In any case, I wish you well.

If you aren't the kind to have these thoughts, hopefully this episode gave you a bit of perspective into these mental conditions. I realize that it can be difficult to understand or empathize with mental health conditions, but these sorts of things help give me confidence that these conditions can be explained and depicted in ways that viewers that lack the experience of them might be able to understand. I really wish I could show this episode to everyone that just doesn't get it, but I feel that the episode does require watching the rest of the show prior to have the necessary impact (which I unfortunately cannot just blanket recommend to everyone, despite how amazing I think it is).

Anyway, yeah. Thanks again for listening.

Oh, and also, that last scene where Hollyhock asks him if the similar voice she hears will go away was just devastating. I understand the want, and perhaps the need, to give her hope that maybe it won't be something she struggles with her whole life as well, but man was it devastating...

Anywho, I've rambled long enough for today. Needless to say, despite the difficulty of experiencing this episode, I am very thankful for its existence. I wish I could thank everyone who worked on this episode personally, but this will have to do for now. Thank you all for this amazing gift.

Take care, everyone!

[starry-nightshade]

Hey loves! I wanted to introduce myself!

I’ve recently been finding a lot of new friends here and I thought it was time I was more personal with my blog, as it would help you all learn about me and the things in my life! Feel free to message me anytime! I love each and every one of you and would be excited to talk!! Anyway, enjoy!

•My name is Ari, I’m 17, and I’m from the US.

• I live with my grandparents and always have, as addiction issues in my family made it impossible to be with my birth mother. I had a happy childhood and still have a big imagination.

•I often have a lot of issues within my family now, because one of my parents is a controlling personality and the other is very submissive so sometimes I feel like I only have myself. I’ve recently turned to sketching to get away from it.

•I’m very shy and I often enjoy being alone, but I adore meeting people and talking to them, and making new friends and learning who they are is possibly one of my favorite things on earth.

•I’m a complete mom friend, nothing makes me happier than knowing I’m helping take care of the people I love.

•I really enjoy writing and have even digitally published some of my poetry. I love writing short stories too but I never can find the appropriate time to end them because I fall in love with my characters.

• Literature is my favorite subject, I love analyzing text and finding the meanings, it’s like having a secret, whispered conversation through the pages with the author. My favorite books include Lolita (but I hate when people romanticize it), The Lords of Discipline, No Country for Old Men, In Cold Blood (words can literally not describe how much I adore this book), and anything by Neil Gaiman.

•(Bonus fact: I used a line from his book The Ocean at the End of the Lane for my senior quote after tweeting him for his opinion and him liking my tweet. It’s my best accomplishment. It was “Whatever’s happening, it can all be sorted out…after pancakes.”)

•I have a dog and she’s the sweetest and most loyal girl to ever bless this earth, her name is Chloe and she’s the reason I made it past my recent loneliness.

•I have a job and I work around 5 days a week, and it’s exhausting but I have lovely co-workers and I enjoy my time there. My managers are such angels.

•I have a boyfriend, and we’ve been dating for two years. We’ve known each other for four, as we were friends for awhile before dating. He's protective and loving, and I couldn't ask for better. He lives almost an hour away from me, and so I only see him about once a week but he always makes me smile when I do. My biggest fear is that we won’t get to talk with our conflicting schedules.

• I graduated from high school a year early, as I didn’t really feel like it was the best learning experience for me, and then took a gap year. University scares me but it’s an opportunity for me to be closer to my love.

• I have 8 actual siblings, 5 on my mother’s side and 3 on my father’s (not counting step siblings) but I was never able to be close to any of them when I was younger. I regret it and have been trying hard to fix that with my dad’s side, as we recently got into contact a few years ago. The two people I’m closest to is my cousin Bella and my best friend Riley. They’re both my soulmates and my sisters at heart.

• I’ve always been told I have an old soul and it’s my best feature in my opinion.

• I have a lot of health problems, mostly regarding my intestines and my stomach, it leads to weakness, a lack of appetite, debilitating cramps, and a whole lot of fatigue. I’ll talk about it often.

• In addition to health problems, I also have depression and anxiety, but I’ve been working really hard to overcome them. The anxiety stems from a rough childhood of never fitting in and being made fun of, it made me really aware of my every move and tortured me for awhile. I broke out of it by realizing that I regret too much when I walk away from experiences. Depression kicked my butt a few months ago for about half a year, but I finally got through that too. It’s mostly loneliness based, so when I feel too alone or ignored I slip back. But like I said, my puppy helps with that a lot.

• my favorite colors are light pink (like my blog), any shade of blue, and any shade of purple. I’ve lived in the same house my whole life and the walls of my room have always been lavender and I love it.

•I’m a huge believer in good energy, positivity, crystal healing, auras, and astrology. I love talking to people that believe the same way cause it’s so amazing to trade beliefs back and forth.

•I’m a huge Lana Del Rey fan and I her whole aesthetic is so beautiful. She’s one of my fav celebs to talk about. In fact, my first record was Honeymoon, and then I built my vinyl collection around that.

•my stuffed animals are my prize possessions, I sincerely doubt I’ll ever outgrow them. Maybe one day I’ll do a post and introduce them.

Anyways that’s all I could think of right now but I hope all of you beautiful people enjoyed this, and like I said, talk to me anytime or ask me anything you’d like. Have a lovely day darlings!

xo Ari