#anyway <3 love u gay ppl <3 i need to take a sec and chill out <3

[poems-of-a-lover]

im gonna go lay on the ground somewhere and close my eyes and just pretend im not real for a bit i think

[andnowilovecats]

0th

day i miss her.

we were at a very hard lunch today. (she is late for 3 hours and makes me rly sad but that’s totally okay ig … i mean excused) it’s just the fact that i found out everyone who got invited there is somewhat in a trade. like they get invited just bc the one who start that lunch gathering, wants to get something from us. like everyone is been tricked. ig. and i find out i’m the one there with the worst gpa, like my gpa is like the worst. she is also there, being the smartest kid and having everyone’s praises. i find out everyone is trying out dirty tricks to cheat to get in college. ofc she did not do that. she is just generally too good and no need to try shits like that.

… tbh i’ve hate her for a while when my mom told me this. well okay. not a while, but like, a sec or something. cause i ended up accidentally saw my phone lock screen and omg she hot.

i miss her . but i hate her. same time. like what’s wrong with me. prob too much social. like wtf how can ppl be this bad.

the adults are all so 心機. like why do we need to make things so hard. why is everyone trying to be not honest and like. trying to make other ppl fail to get stuff they want. like wtf. this is just so hard and tired. can we all be like v honest and just chill. like yeah i get why they r so competitive and stuff. but like life is so hard. i like chilling not socializing. like i do know how to socialize and pretend to be someone else. (i mean i’m gay i’m kinda born for that. uk. to pretend someone that’s not me. okay bad joke. i get it now.) anyways the point is. it’s so hard to pretend and hide stuff why is everyone doing that. why can’t we all be happy and honest and just say what we wanna say and create a better world and shit. like yeah ik this is not fking possible. but like won’t that be good though. and the saddest part is that i am trying to be honest to my friends. and i have no idea if they are being honest back to me. like i lit have no idea. i can only guess. and at the same time ik guessing that is bad. like u r assuming other ppl to be not honest to u. that’s making everything worse. but like life is alr worse so like ... idk.

P.S. she did’t give me a hug today. i sad.

P.P.S. but i like to ship her with another girl. (yes i’m weird. yes i like her.) and i’ve seen a lot of sweet moment today. life is great.

also, i know that i am probably over thinking. actually, i am definitely wrong. but like. is there a chance that like. there is something going on between us. like she is so. she is so easy going(?) with me? like i can ask for anything and as long as that doesn’t disobey like her moral principles. she’s fine with me doing it. so is it like .. can anything be happening. like she said she don’t want to have a boy friend. so is it like there could be something happening. like. is this the farthest someone can get with her. so like. am i actually getting what i want? like i don’t care about the name of boyfriend girlfriend thing. i just want to be with her and like if this is the comfortable way to get along with her? like is there any possible that she have no idea what’s going on between us. idk. but like. am i the one who get furthest on this trip? then i shouldn’t ask for anything more. right? idk i rly like her. and like. we can do anything couples do? (yeah i wanna kiss her but i dun think i will even though i rly have that chance.) like we hug and hug and hug. and like she pat my head. drag each other around. i get to take her jacket for the whole summer. she is okay with me sniffing her jacket. she, someone who hates texting, finds time to send me [big hug] everyday. like that means something right? that means something right? is it possible that she have feelings for me and she just have no idea what’s going on? is it possible that she think it’s just more friendship? or i am right. i am just too overthinking. idk. i love her and i hope after a year this means something.

---edit---

i’m standing in the middle of the street now.

i’m alive. i’m dead.

---end of edit---

---more edit---

i’m breathing.

i love that i’m breathing.

---end of edit---

---more more edit---

i’m walking. i don’t have my glasses on. the lights.

the street lights all glows away from its source. now it’s a glowing light bulb. a lot of glowing starts. if u look down the street. u’ll c a row of shooting stars appearing.

---end of edit---

---more more more edit---

i’m desperate. and he comes gentle.

---end of edit---

goodnight.

[big hug]

[unproduciblesmackdown]

thanks to @cigaretteburnslikefairylights for tagging me w this ask meme......everyone out there who also likes to fill out ask memes coz we’re gay just feel tf free to copy/paste that shit

A - Age: 24

B - Birthplace: VA....ive never yet lived anywhere else smh

C - Current time: 10:46p

D - Drink you last had: uhhh it was like 2/5 coffee & 3/5 milk + a lil bit of choc syrup i threw in there like fuck it lol

E - Easiest person to talk to: idk there’s a bunch of ppl im chill w

F - Favorite song: n/a

G - Grossest memory: umm idk once it took me like a solid 50 min to take a moldy box out of a mini fridge

H - Horror yes or horror no: like the genre overall? yes

I - In love?: no

J - Jealous of people?: sure yeah lol....its not like personal like fuck you, person, but i feel jealous abt basic ass things. i want that and am annoyed its beyond reach, at least. but for fairly basic things i dont have like friendship or excitement or any element of life im satisfied w so im not too upset w myself for feeling jealous sometimes of other ppl. i think it happens for everyone and its not inherently a sign of u being evil or whatever

L - Love at first sight or should i walk by again?: god if someone tried to use A Line it would be like we cant even be friends but also no. you can accurately get an immediate good vibe from someone & be interested / attracted to them but i dont think the love ppl talk abt for longterm, serious relationships is the same thing you are gonna immediately sense w someone within 3 sec

M - Middle name: starts w B

N - Number of siblings: i have a younger brother and older sister

O - One wish: damn uhh......it’d fuck up the whole world like take it back to british imperialism and shit and be like...no. but how far back in european history can we trace the roots of that. it would get complicated

P - Person you called last: nooo clue

Q - Question you are always asked: every time ppl ask me abt my being quiet its too much. its always some rhetorical ass shit like what am i supposed to say. also im actually secretly talkative, im just quiet in situations and around ppl i dont want to talk to. if im especially silent around you dont talk to me ever........

R - Reason to smile: .....funney video

S - Song you sang last: umm heartbreaker by taio cruz? or is it called break your heart

T - Time you woke up: first it was like 7am and then i was like naptime and had a great dream about being on a roadtrip in an rv and enlisting the help of a nun to find fellow gays in the area, and it was successful. had some weirdly fun, positive dreams the past couple nights, and both times abt being gay. anyways then i woke up and it was like 12:30 and i was like yoink

U - Underwear color: i just checked and its this black/green/magenta deal. fashion

V - Vacation destination: idk..........i’ll do the camino de santiago, does that count as a vacay? i guess it can be.

W - Worst habit: eternal procrastination i guess. just how i roll. but actually its that i always kinda bite my lips and need lip balm on hand 24/7 all my days

X - X-rays: have i had any? dentistry yeah

Y - Your favorite food: i always just go with ice cream but i dont really have any. how abt this sauce you make w chicken stock and butter? delisaus

Z - Zodiac sign: pisces