#anyone who bothers to read this deserves a medal tbh

[delta-magnetic]

so the pendulum has once again swung over to "its my blog i'll do what i want" so like i said in my reblog gushing about death magnetic, im gonna talk about my sort of personal metallica roadmap ! plus some reflection at the end lol

don't worry i shall put it under a read more because while i have the guts to babble about whatever in this moment, i don't have the balls to force you to look at it assuming/hoping the read more works lmao, here's to hoping!

so when i was in elementary school, and my uncle was of the four relatives i was regularly in a vehicle with, and "his" music was metal/hard rock. specifically he'd always be like "yoooo metallica!" and it would not be a truck ride with him w/o hearing master of puppets

...nono not the whole album! just the title track. might listen to battery sometimes, but he would play it just for the title track

but god damn if we didn't get hype as shit when it was on. i used to always think it was two different songs because of the slower part in the middle (which was admittedly my favorite part besides the intro)

and hearing just this, battery, and seek and destroy sometimes (either through the radio or maybe he had some sort of "best of" or even a burned CD? idk) from my uncle, i always imagined a slightly intimidating, very angry middle aged dude. think 2003/2004 james (didn't really imagine/think about the fact it was a whole band, i was so young and was only putting a face to the vocals), since that was about how old my uncle was, that's why i imagined a very intense, older guy singing master of puppets (this tangent will be relevant to the end lol)

now flash forward many a years. i even wanna say 2020? mom's usual radio station flips over to all christmas music in mid november and stays that way til christmas is over, so she goes to a different one. she tells me how this one plays a LOT of metallica, to her slight dismay

and i heard enter sandman on there while i was in the car with her one day and was like "wait, this is metallica?" i'd love to say i'd surely heard the song at some point in my life before then and knew it was by them, but i really can't! (or who knows maybe i had and just somehow didn't pay it any mind) because if i had i'm sure i would've gotten curious

which i eventually did! but not through "oo i wanna check out more!" i actually have youtube recommended to thank. out of nowhere, i was suggested "members of metallica being idiots". so of course i'm like lol wtf and click on it, and once again am saying "wait this is metallica?" but much more intensely lmao. like wait a second that dude shouting from my uncles radio and his bandmates are just big ol dorks?

and so the rabbit hole begun. i watched more compilations, googled names, and eventually gave in to listening to some songs. i phrase that last part like that because i almost didn't want to get into metallica? like it felt too "different" compared to me. i wasn't a metal person! i couldn't be a metal person! it just didn't fit me and i didn't fit it!

i know some of the first things i heard were two st anger songs (the unnamed feeling and invisible kid. former of which i still absolutely love. i wouldn't say love at first listen, but very liked at first listen) and the black album. there were definitely songs off tba that stood the hell out and i immediately loved, but i think a mix of tiredness on first listen, my own weird intrapersonal skepticism, and unsavory associations tied to dtom prevented it from being my major launch into the band

that would be death magnetic, which i of course gushed about on jinn's post lol, so there's a little bit of space saved

buuuut yep there it is lmao. i've certainly rambled about certain aspects of this before, like my uncle only playing master of puppets, or how i don't feel like i "fit". it took me a while to overcome that tbh, and i even still occasionally struggle with that, because i knew how fans could and would get over "fake" fans, which felt 10x more intense coming from a band of this magnitude and genre (that being said i'm super lucky and glad i've found the people i have on here uwu). and admittedly i'm not a metal person! i just like metallica :3, this could change but i am more than content with just these guys and of course all the other bands i like but you know what i mean!

another thing i've surely said a bunch, but i find it a CRIME my uncle never played me the black album! i know i said that it didn't sucker punch me as hard, but i bet it really would've if i had heard it as a little kid! or hell even just the rest of master of puppets, YOU DEPRIVED ME, SIR!!

it's also just so wild how much my perception of them has changed?? this is another thing i've definitely babbled about before, but going from thinking there was some grumpy man in his mid-40s behind master of puppets vocals, to knowing it was a kind of shy dork who's barely older than i am now?? and putting faces to the rest of the band?? i find it weirdly cool tbh

[xylianna]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 I have had a lot of rum today and will totally star for star with you....of course I will probably be sober by the time you get to this... MORNING RUM IT IS!!!!

48 STARS?   SERIOUSLY DO YOU WANT MY LIFE STORY?  CAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET IT.

1. my first pet was a rabbit named Carmel

2. my first cat was a yellow tabby named Orlith (Moreta’s queen dragon in the Dragonriders of Pern books)

3. my other two cats have been named Wolf and Lynx.  Wolf is my old lady cat, 18 years old.  Lynx I had to rehome when I moved a few years ago.  Orlith died years ago, the poor thing.

4. I learned how to hunt because I live in an area that is THE THING and also animals are tasty. I spent hours tracking a damn pheasant on my first hunt but because of my shitty eyesight/lack of depth perception, couldn’t see it, so my dad shot it. He still credited me with the kill since I tracked it.

5. I like to go fishing, if by fishing you mean “sit on the boat and read a book because its pretty on the water”

6. I like spreadsheets a little too much. Google Sheets means I can have them EVERYWHERE.

7. I love to sing, and its the one thing I’m actually a bit arrogant about. At least, I feel like its arrogance. Maybe its just being truthful? I have a really good voice. I trained it for a lot of years.  it’s one of the few things I can do that almost always lifts my mood.

8. I hadn’t seen any live concerts in ages, and then in 2016 I saw Final Fantasy A New World and the Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses

9. I have next to no confidence in anything outside my singing and it still boggles my mind that people like my writing. this isn’t me fishing for compliments, I’m honestly astounded. I read other people’s stuff and I’m blown away that those same people like mine, when theirs is just so fucking amazing.

10. sometimes I go anywhere between a day or a week without contacting anybody just to see if anyone bothers to talk to me if I don’t reach out first.  the results usually make me more sad than before I tried. and make me question most my ‘friendships’.

11. I’ve been single for two years and I kinda hate it, but don’t expect it to change anytime soon. part of the reason is i’m picky AF.  most of the reason is I have little to no social life.

12. I’m pagan and I am deeply spiritual but I generally don’t discuss it at all if I’m not asked by a close friend, because to me spirituality and religion is DEEPLY personal

13. I have never slept with a woman who hasn’t decided afterwards that she’s straight. this is probably why I’ve dated so few women. while logically I know there’s no correlation between my performance and their declarations (especially as my more recent ex-gf is dating another woman now), its still a pretty big ego blow.

14.  Sorry I just answering this to sing for like 10 minutes.   Currently trying to type while singing “Missing” by Evanescence.  ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST!

15. i hate going to movies alone and will actively buy people tickets just so I don’t have to

16. I hate cooking for just me when my son isn’t home, so instead I tend to batch cook and freeze a bunch to enable lazy dinners down the road

17. I’m a really good cook :D

18. Tomorrow I play D&D! I play once a month with a small group of family and friends. This is the third group I’ve had for the same campaign and I don’t think I’ll ever see the end at this rate, haha.

19. I also play WoW.  In WoW, I play Xylianna, the Paladin.  In D&D I play a Fighter.  I like swords okay?

20. work sucked this week but I have rum now :D

21. I had cancer when I was 17.   In 2 months will be my 18th anniversary of being cancer free. I celebrate that more than my birthday, or my wedding anniversary before I was divorced.  Nothing gets you to pare the bullshit out of your life faster than getting that diagnosis, let me tell you.

22. HOW THE FUCK AM I ONLY ON NUMBER 22 WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME *gets a third drink*

23. In my local kink community, my ‘scene name’ is one of my first OTP’s.

24. If 23 didn’t warn you, I’m going to talk about BDSM now. I’m a switch insofar as I’ll top without any real hint of dominance since I LOATHE the responsibility of being a dom.  Iggy in Discretion/What Would Happen is totally based off me, because I vastly prefer to give over control since my entire fucking life is me running everything. I run my dept at work, I run my house, I run my gaming group, I run my karaoke group.  Sometimes I just need a break okay?

25. also gimme dat pain

26. and I’ll give you some, too, because I enjoy service topping

27. Consent is Sexy, okay?   I go out of my way to portray consent being constantly re-established in my bdsm fics particularly, because its never okay to assume that just because I was allowed to do X last week, its okay to do X this week. I mean obviously in an established relationship, it would be different, but even then CONSENT AND COMMUNCATION, SO FUCKING SEXY

28. I wish I could play a string instrument. I bought a guitar and tried to learn it but it turns out I am not good at teaching myself something so different from what I already know, haha.  Chords  are confusing to me for some reason. Or I made them more confusing than they had to be.

29. I am embarrassed to admit how many years its been since I picked up one of my clarinets.  I wish I could find a local ensemble to join, but, that would mean reaching out and asking and aahhhhhh *hides*

30. I would also totally lose my shit if I could find a choral group to join that wasn’t attached to a Christian church. no offense at all to christian churches, but I feel a bit dishonest joining a group connected to a faith I don’t share, you know?

31. when I go to xmas eve church with my mom at her church, my brother-in-law’s mother does indeed make me join choir for that night, and its great!

32. i’m intensely lonely most of the time but I pretend i’m not because indulging in the feeling won’t change anything. and tbh part of it is my fault for isolating myself.

33. I have chronic severe depressive disorder coupled with a side of anxiety. So I feel like shit, and I worry about it, LOL

34. Prior to November 2017 NaNoWriMo, I hadn’t written in over 10 years, save for a couple 300ish word short stories.

35.  part of me is terrified certain family members will find my AO3/Tumblr. I actually talked to my psychologist about this fear at my last appointment. We agreed that if they go to so much trouble as to find my internet alter ego, they deserve to be offended by my work. Fuck ‘em.

36. just once I wish I could feel the support I give my family given to me. I have one supportive family member and its not even blood. my brother-in-law is my best friend, for real.  my Warder (if you follow WoT), bonded in balefire.  I wish the rest of my family would care about me, but I’m working on accepting they just won’t.

37. I love learning languages for the same reason I love studying music, and I love writing - my goal is to communicate as effectively as possible, make people really understand, and the more avenues open to me the better

38. when I get a little drunk, I forget English and speak a mashup of Spanish, German, and Japanese

39. I have to go to karaoke tomorrow night for the first time since I was sexually harassed at karaoke last October, and I’m kinda terrified

40. I get very down on myself when I realize in my writing I do no world building and very little serious plotting. I basically write angst, or love, or smut. I’m trying to be okay with that, but I admit I feel like I don’t do a good enough job.

41. wow way to kill the mood, Xy.   honestly, if anyone is still reading this, you get a fucking medal.  i’m not that interesting, and I probably should have stopped writing this long ago.

42. I really wish life would give me a fucking break, you know?  but that’s not how it works.  you gotta make your own breaks, and I’m too gods-damned tired to try at present.  Maybe I’ll try later this year.

43. I wish I lived alone. Ironic, since I’m lonely 99% of the time.  But having a roommate isn’t the same as having companionship and sometimes I just want to not listen to someone else’s blaring TV or have someone else walk thru the house while I’m writing at the table or have someone comment on my singing (even if its complimentary)

44. WOW I GOT DEPRESSED LETS LIGHTEN THINGS UP SHALL WE?  I love apple scented shit.

45.  I own at least 10 pairs of kitty ears, and two tails.  In fact I am wearing ears to karaoke tomorrow.  Meow.

46.  I want the relationship I write for Gladnis in my Discretion series BUT I’M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH FAM

47.  my son is 8 yrs old and he’s honestly the best thing i’ve done with my life, and he is the thing I am most proud of, even topping my joy in beating cancer

48.  in 2016 I lost 120 pounds.  in 2017 i gained 30 back.  in 2018… we’ll see.

HOLY FUCK THAT WAS HARD I DESERVE MORE RUM NOW OKAY