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eerythingisshaka · 4 years

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Check Up

[Doctor!Erik “Killmonger” Stevens x Reader]

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: A light filth

A/N: I was in the Vagina Monologues at my college and there’s one skit/story about a vagina workshop that inspired this one. Enjoy

Your leg bounces up and down anxiously as you sit waiting for your name to be called. You made sure to arrive extra early to account for a crowd or forms to fill out asking all the standard, invasive questions that any health facility is required to know. This visit was particularly nerve wrecking considering your friend’s referral to come.

One night during a girls hangout, wine and tea was spilled while discussing your personal lives. Your one friend from high school griped about how yet another Tinder date didn’t live up to their profile and couldn’t hold his own in the bedroom later to add insult to injury. Your other friend from college was a little more mum about her escapades and turned out it was for a reason you weren’t expecting.

“We decided to open up our marriage.” She says.

You both gasp involuntarily before bargaining for more information.

“Are you guys not happy? Whose idea was it? It’s only been three years!” You exclaim.

She sniffs her wine glass while taking a deep breath. “All valid questions and comments but it was my idea. In a small way, I’ve always been polyamorous.”

“I thought you were just a cheater but…” Your high school friend mutters.

“Get outta here! Those were misunderstandings of love. I enjoy the company of every partner I come across but I haven’t found the one that could be my anchor as I continue to love freely.”

“So he is really ok with this? With other men?” You ask as slow as possible to get your point across.

“Yup! Luckily he is not gross to think one sex is ok over another. It’s all the same whether I liked men or women but my heart is his always. And honestly, it’s been hot ever since we just talked about it. Like we just got a jump start!”

“Hell, I need a jump start. I wish I could make an appointment to my vagina workshop but I ain’t had the time.”

“The hell is that?” You whip around to your high school friend intrigued.

“It’s got some official title, but at the clinic on Grand, they have some workshop that teaches you how your vagina works and the BEST thing of all, how to achieve orgasm. Now when I went there some lady just told me where to find and touch and how to relax but I heard some big fella up there now is helping out and chile, if he was there when I went, my next stop woulda been the OB!”

Your college friend fans herself. “So wait wait wait. A fine man doctor teaching me how my pussy works? Why haven’t you told us before?!”

“I said he wasn’t there when I was! Plus this was before I was told you married with an asterisk. Emphasis on the risk.”

“On Grand you say?” You pull out your phone to Google.

“Mhm, that’s right. Cuz if anybody needs it, it’s you. How long has it been since you even went out with somebody? I have tried to set you up, make a dating profile for you, wingwoman a guy at the bar, with no results!”

You shrug. “Sounds like your problem. But ummmm listen. I do wanna check this out, but no way am I letting a stranger touch me like that. I just want pointers-”

“And a story to tell us afterwards, ok?!” College friend cackles along with high school friend. You roll your eyes looking over the website, praying they take your insurance. No mention of a fine ass doctor but hopefully fate worked in your favor.

Which brings you to where you are today: in a lobby with about 4-5 women looking at their phones or a magazine preparing for their treatments.

“Come on back!” The joyful nurse says, holding the door open for you. You snap back to reality as the white walls are almost blinding against the lighting as you are led to a room with a 4 above the door.

“You can have a seat while I get you settled.”

You sit on the examination table as she signs on to her computer and asks you general questions. What brings you here? When was your last cycle? Have you had issues with this? Pain during that?

“I’m really just here for informational purposes more than anything. I would like to know more about myself but I haven’t had problems.”

“Ok. And when was your last sexual experience?” She asks as she types.

“Including myself or…” You ask.

“Not including yourself.” She says with a reassuring smile.

You think and start to feel hot with embarrassment. “It’s definitely been over a year…” Or five more like it.

“Ok, that’s fine. And have you had issues achieving orgasm with a partner or by yourself?”

You mull it over. “Not...necessarily. It has been a while since I could lately, but I have been busy with work too, so…”

“Ok, that is up to you to bring it up with Doctor Stevens when he sees you. But that is the end of my questions so at this time we have a gown over there if you would like to disrobe. We offer an examination or a self examination if you so choose. Unless you request otherwise, it will be mainly superficial and informational so don’t expect a pelvic exam or anything like that, ok?”

You nod, thanking her as she steps out, closing the door behind her. The room felt more cold and quiet now that you are alone, but you waste no time in getting undressed. Your worst nightmare is to take your time and accidentally be walked in on.

The gown is clean but lacks in softness, plus your ass was hanging out no matter how tight you tied the strings around you. The paper separating your skin from the exam seat crinkles loudly as you fidget, looking over the posters of the female reproductive system and molds of various vaginas.

One catches your eye that is see through, showing the depth of the canal. You can’t help but get your phone out and take a picture. You text it to the group chat and start to search for a good meme reaction when a rapid knock startles you.

“Good afternoon, Ms.- OH!”

The deep voice behind you makes you drop your phone and it is not until you bend over to pick it up that you realize your ass is not covered in that gown. You spin around, backing up to the wall to pick it up.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to barge in like that.” He says, face covered by a clipboard.

You put your phone in your bag and tiptoe back onto the table, cursing yourself out for embarrassing yourself.

“It’s fine, really it was all me. I shoulda stayed my ass seated.”

He pulls down the clipboard, giving a meek smile. “Frankly, it’s not the first time it happened. Shame on me.”

You feel your breath leave your body a split second when you finally see the man that got your friends so ready to come back. He did not look like the type to even be interested in medical school, but you thank God prejudices are not facts. He was the most beautiful doctor you had ever been seen by and so modern looking, with his short locs bound in a mini ponytail to the back of his head, and the sides shaved. His eyes were so youthful they made you feel silly to stare and despite his small smile, his dimples announced themselves proudly.

“Well, isn’t it, ‘fool me twice, shame on you?’” You respond, pulling your gown down and sitting up straighter.

This made him smile wider, and you thanked God generously. “I never blame a patient. It might be a HIPAA thing, but I might be making that up too.”

He pulls up a stool and sits down, checking over the notes on the clipboard. “Now, as I started to say...what brings you in?”

Your mouth began to feel dry. This was easier to discuss before, but you really don’t want to go deep into your personal life with him now. “I just...uh, wanted information on the body. You know, the female parts and what I may not know.”

He nods, looking back to you. “It says you have had trouble achieving orgasm lately?”

“WOW! I did not-”

“It’s ok!” he says, graciously interrupting. “That’s what a lot of people are here for. You aren’t alone.”

You cover your face. “This is embarrassing, why did I even come here.”

“Look, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. I won’t ask you or bring up anything you don’t want to discuss. But I am here to help, so let’s make the most of our time here.”

You look at him again, seeing the sincerity on his face. A face like his can’t be completely trusted around any hot blooded woman but he is a doctor.

“Let’s start from the basics.” Dr. Stevens pulls one of the example molds from the counter and places it in front of him, facing you.

“Now a lot of people call all of this the vagina, but in actuality it is called the vulva. That includes the labia minora, labia majora, urethra and clitoris. Only when discussing your vaginal opening and inward, is it actually the vagina.”

“Ohhh, really?” You ask, leaning in for a closer look. He nods, smiling at your perceived interest. “Now where is the urethra on here…”

He points to a tiny hole that you couldn’t have found with the CIA on your side.

“I figured it was somewhere there, but you know I didn’t know there were three holes until an episode of Oprah told me when I was a teenager?”

“I have heard that before. It’s unfortunate how many women don’t know about their own bodies when they own them, right? But curriculums aren’t set up to teach it without thinking they are sexualizing things to kids.”

“But it’s not! It’s their bodies, they have those things so they should know!”

He raises a hand up to you and you smack it without thinking. The loud clap between you both sends a shock beneath you. The doctor’s charm was bringing you out of your shell little by little.

“Right. The best way of learning is demonstrative. They gotta see what you’re talking about to get it. Now I’m going to bring back what we spoke about earlier…” He points to a higher area of the vulva. “On here, the clitoris is here. It’s fairly easy to spot, it’s not hidden and that’s just to make it easier for a teacher to show. But not everyone is like this.”

“I know where mine is, so that’s fine.”

“However…”

You roll your eyes. “Sure, it’s like your little paper says. I can’t always get what I want from it.”

Dr. Stevens nods understandingly. “Ok, that’s common. Now one offer we have is an examination. I won’t have to do anything but observe.”

He stands up to reach underneath the side of the exam chair you’re sitting on to pull out a mirror on an extendable arm. “You would just view yourself here and if you have questions along the way, I’ll answer them.”

You puff your cheeks to get rid of nerves, sitting back slightly as the paper crinkles and crackles.

“I’ve been examined before. Not my first rodeo, so let's do this.”

A part of you couldn’t help but feel curious about what he may have to say about your parts as you hike your gown up. He pulls out two mini stirrups to rest your feet on as you spread your legs apart. Dr. Stevens stands next to you, adjusting the mirror to get the best visual of your vulva for you.

“Huh.” You say.

“What’s up?” He asks.

“Mine looks nothing like the diagram.” You take your hand to pull apart your lips some.

“What do you notice is different?” He asks.

“A lot,” you say with a tone of defeat. Why does every vagina depict this pink flower with symmetrical lips that barely overflow and a ready clitoris that probably distracts if you had to ride a bike.

Dr. Stevens stands beside you, hands behind his back, peering politely from you to the mirror reflection. “What specifically?”

You exhale deeply. “Right out the gate, the color is nothing like the rappers be talking about. Pink pussy this and that. It looks kind of like if you had grape bubblicious and once the flavor is gone and you toss it? Yeah….” You pull your inner lips to the side with your middle and ring finger. “And my urethra is there huh?”

He nods, adjusting the mirror for shared benefit. “Exactly right in the middle. It’s kind of small so not surprising that you wouldn’t notice.”

“Interesting.” You feel a sense of discovery within you as you actually learn a thing or two from this exercise. Looking back at the model vagina on the counter, you think of a new question.

“Ok, so the clitoris right? Why is it so difficult for me to get to it?”

Dr. Stevens crosses his arms. “Well, you might be affected by the clitoral hood. It helps to protect it but can be bothersome during arousal. So depending on what position you are in, it may take some maneuvering. Try moving it back now; take two fingers on either side and pull back.”

You do as instructed, feeling a sensation hit your exposed skin until you see the little pearl looking button that must be it. Your finger grazes it, making your legs jerk unexpectedly.

“Whoa, ok, haha. That’s it.” You laugh sheepishly, pulling your legs closer together.

He places a hand on your back encouragingly. “That’s ok! Honestly, it's best to make sure you also have feeling. Don’t be shy to try.”

You open your knees again and gently feel around for your clitoris again. You can tell you’re close but the feeling is not as intense. Embarrassment starts to affect you as you notice your concentrated expression is not at all sexy and what woman doesn’t know where to stimulate themselves.

Dr. Stevens notices the trouble, stepping away from you to get a pair of gloves, latex popping against his skin.

“It looks like you are rubbing yourself through your clitoral hood, which can be fine but I think for what issue you’re having, you would want as much surface area pleasure as possible. Now I could show you, but that’s up to you.”

Your body tenses up at the question he was asking. Seeing as he has gloves on, you don’t suspect he meant to show you on the model vagina. But that’s why you’re here, right? To get help and also to be touched by a smart, handsome, kind gentleman that you never met in a backroom: just the normal human experience.

“Uh...well, it would certainly make it easier. Sure.” You say, moving your hand back to grip the exam seat as you sat like you were in the final stages of giving birth. You repeat in your mind that he is a medical professional that means no harm and any gynecological exam gets awkward sometimes and he has also seen thousands, so yours won’t get him any more rattled than the next one.

You watch as he nods to you, confirming he received your consent. He rests one hand on your knee and the other reaches toward your now throbbing lips. Time seems to move slow until he finally makes contact, giving you a jolt again.

“Sorry. I know it’s different with a foreign hand but let me know if it’s uncomfortable.” He says kindly.

You take a deep breath and drink in his comforting words. “All good! X marks the spot, right?”

You feel his fingers slide along your inner lips, giving them an occasional gentle pull that curls your toes. “Now, your labia minora doesn’t look like the model because the model is the depiction of a white woman’s genitalia. More often, Black people won’t have that high pink color that is praised as you said. But it does not make you abnormal or less desirable.”

“No?’ You ask quietly, relaxing under his touch once again. The medical terminology is a good distraction from what is happening, so you try concentrating on that instead of your growing arousal.

He smirks, revealing those dimples that caught your eye again. “Not at all. So don’t listen to anything otherwise. You look perfect.” He looks at you as he says this, pulling and stroking at your lips slowly you can’t help the arousal building between you, breaking eye contact as soon as possible to study the mirror.

But that only makes you hotter to see him touch you as you gasp out, “Well that’s good news!”

He looks back down at your vulva again. “Now I am doing this one handed, which may not be comfortable when you attempt, but it’s easiest for me since my fingers are thick and nimble.”

“Hey, practice makes perfect...I mean, not like you have played with a lot of vagina before. Not played but examined...which I guess if you’re good at it, you would have played with many vaginas then, right?”

Dr. Stevens gives you a confused look before breaking into a chuckle. “Not ‘played’. I don’t play with anything. I work.”

And I am glad you clocked in, you thought.

“But as I was saying, the clitoral hood can be pulled back like so…”

You feel it before you can see it. His thick fingers fan your lips out so much easier than your own hands, you gasp audibly before covering it with a cough.

“Uh huh, go on.” You croak.

He appears to barely notice as he studies the reflection of your clit in the mirror, pressing his middle finger right on the peak.

“And that makes for a more accessible area in which you can arouse yourself, like so.”

He slowly circles your clit over and over again, much longer than you expected for an examination. Are you supposed to say stop, you’re unsure. Can he sue you for cumming on his hand? You feel your thighs beginning to buckle and attempt to close them but his grip on your knee was stronger than you noticed at first. Once his middle finger plunged inside of you, there is no going back. You can’t control the small mewling sounds you make as he touches you.

“You have a good amount of lubrication produced as well.” He says matter of factly, spreading your wetness along your lips. He bites down on his lower lip as he rubs your vulva.

“No shit! I mean…” You slip up, getting too comfortable but he pats your knee, flashing that winning smile.

“It’s ok, just remain relaxed, you’re almost done. But yeah, long as you keep the hood pulled back like so and set a rhythm, you should have a pleasurable experience going forward. If not, come back to me”

“I’ll cum alright,” you moan as your head falls back as you bring your hips forward, rocking against his hand for more friction. This naughty spirit enveloped you. If he ever said to stop, your train would’ve derailed, but he never did. His accommodations to your reactions sent you further down a path to unrighteous glee.

He penetrates you with two fingers, while running this thumb along your clit in tandem with the strokes. “Is that better?” He asks, stroking you faster.

You nod, throwing caution to the wind as you grab hold of his wrist, writhing against his finger before your body decides it has had enough. You felt like how chocolate tastes: lush, sweet, a jolt of energy with a smidge of guilt but unwilling to put it down.

Erik holds you close with his freehand. “That’s good, ride it out and hold on to me. I feel you tightening, you’re just about there, aren’t you?”

“Mhm!” you dig your face into his chest, breathing erratically as your climax approaches. It mattered that it was him doing it. How you got so lucky was a question you weren’t willing to confront because it just felt so good, why even think.

“Let that pretty pussy sing, you got it.” The release you feel wash over you makes you feel like world peace started and ended in your pussy and you screamed for joy. You lean back on your elbows as he rests his hand still against your mound, your walls pulse in the afterglow.

“That’s better, right? Luckily I see you have a fully functioning muscle down there.” He says before going to take off his gloves.

You shakily pull your gown down and begin to sit up. “I hope so cuz if that is what sick feels like, I don’t wanna recover.”

He snickers at your comment, writing something down on some paper, tearing off a piece, folding it to give to you.

“Now, this is something in case arousal doesn’t always come to you easily. That’s a prescription that can get the job done naturally and quickly. Take that home with you and you can order it any time you feel it may be necessary.”

You nod, getting up to put it in your pocket. “Thanks. You know my friends recommended I come here and I can’t say I am upset.”

Erik holds his clipboard in front of him, holding out a hand to you. “I’m glad you came.”

You shook it and as he left, you got dressed and drove home feeling lighter than air. You started to call your friends about it but figured you might start at the pharmacy just to see what he prescribed. If men can have a ‘get freaky’ pill, why not you. You dug out the prescription from your pocket and your mouth dropped when you read it.

Erik 555-0123, use as recommended.

Part 2

Masterlist

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@chaneajoyyy

#erik killmonger fic #shakafic

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imagining-supernatural · 5 years

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The First Interview

Part 13 of Seventy Percent

Series Summary: When you left on your trip to Vegas, you’d planned on letting loose for one last weekend before heading back to reality and getting your affairs in order so your best friend wouldn’t be left cleaning up your mess when your cancer finally ended your life. What you hadn’t counted on was waking up married to a celebrity who has a knight-in-shining-armor complex, connections with an oncologist, and amazing insurance…

Chapter Summary: Sebastian talks about you on his interview with Seth Myers, and something shifts in your relationship when he gets home that night

Word Count: 1,874

“Sebastian Stan everyone!” Seth Meyers announced. You watched through the screen as Seb walked onto the stage.

You hadn’t watched any of his other interviews, but this was the first one where he was going to talk about you, and you were nervous. You weren’t nervous about what he was going to say, per se. You hadn’t lied when you said you trusted Seb’s judgment. You were just nervous about what came after. What nosey journalists or fans might dredge up. So you figured it was best to be prepared.

While Seb greeted Seth, you decided that you needed to tell him about your past. You wanted him to know. Maybe tonight when he got back…

“So, besides your movie coming out, you’ve been in the headlines a bit lately.” Seth moved on from the small talk about Seb’s upcoming movie.

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah, I have.”

“And you haven’t been alone,” Seth prodded.

“No, Seth, I haven’t been. We had hoped to keep it to ourselves a bit longer, but I suppose a drunken wedding in Vegas isn’t the most secure of wedding venues.”

Seth laughed good-naturedly. “No, it is not. For anyone who hasn’t seen the picture yet, here is Sebastian and his wife in Vegas.” He held up the picture that had been circulating of the two of you and Elvis. That night (or rather, morning after) felt like so long ago. “Now, we were chatting backstage before the show and this is quite the story.”

That understatement made you snort from your blanket nest on Sebastian’s couch. Your snort matched Sebastian’s and he grinned. “That’s one way to put it.”

“First off, this wedding… it wasn’t planned, was it?”

“No. Not at all. That night was basically the most cliché night I’d ever had.”

“Sounded like it belongs in the beginning of a quirky rom-com,” Seth offered.

“My wife, when we discussed this, mentioned how much the people who write or read fan fiction are going to love our story.”

So he was going with the truth. You sighed in relief. Before this moment, you hadn’t thought you would have minded either way. But not having to come up with a lie or half-truth in the future would make your life so much easier.

“We actually just met each other that night. Most of the night was a blur, but the next morning I about had a heart attack when I woke up next to her and saw that ring on her finger and the marriage certificate on the hotel dresser…”

“And the pictures of Elvis on your phone.” Sebastian laughed at Seth’s words, nodded in agreement. “Then you went out to breakfast before heading to the courthouse, is that right?”

“What kind of a husband would I have been if I didn’t take my wife out to eat before going to get the marriage annulled?”

“Not a good one, that’s for sure.” Seth sat forward. “You never got the annulment though. Why was that? Most people, when they wake up married to a complete stranger in Vegas would get the annulment as soon as possible.”

“That was the plan. She was very insistent on the annulment. Kind of a bruise to my ego, you know?” The joke played well and you could tell the laughter of the audience calmed his nerves some. “But her reasons for wanting the annulment became my reasons for putting it off. See, she has cancer and didn’t want to pull anyone into that.”

As soon as he said the c-word, a hush fell over the room. The tension was palpable even through the TV screen.

“The treatment options she had weren’t promising, and there were a few other complications that led her to decide that she didn’t want to pursue treatment. That Vegas trip was supposed to be her last hurrah.”

“Hell of a last hurrah,” Seth said. “So, it was your idea to not get the annulment?”

“Yes. I had to practically force her to get on a plane and see my friend, who is an oncologist, for a second opinion. She was insistent on not getting me involved. And the entire time, I wasn’t sure why I was pushing the issue so hard for someone I had just met.”

“But you’re glad you did.” Since it wasn’t phrased like a question, you had to assume Seb had spoke to Seth at length before the show.

“I am, yes.” No hesitation. “We got her into a promising treatment plan and, though it hasn’t been easy, and even though she has horrible taste in music, I have absolutely no regrets.”

Seth waited a moment for the applause to die down. “From what you told me backstage, she sounds like a wonderful, strong woman. I’m sure it was quite the adjustment to go from bachelor life to living with someone who doesn’t take no for an answer.”

Seb laughed. “You’d think that, wouldn’t you? But, no. It wasn’t that hard. I’ve liked getting to know her and becoming really close friends with her. And you’re right, she is so great. And strong. But cancer treatment is really tough and the idea of being hounded by the press has caused her stress that she shouldn’t have to deal with while going through this.”

“I’m sure that after a day in the hospital, the last thing she wants to do is be bombarded with cameras and questions, right?”

“Right. She’s strong, but all of her energy needs to go towards focusing on getting better. We’ll be putting out an official statement soon, but I’d like to use this opportunity to request that everyone respects our privacy. Our relationship isn’t conventional, and I know that makes us exciting, but we need to focus on her health right now. Not the curiosity of the media.”

“It’s obvious you care for her quite a bit, and we hope both of you the best. Hopefully the next time you’re in that seat, your wife will be cancer free.”

Seth finished up by reminding the audience about Sebastian’s movie that was coming out and the camera panned away to commercials now that the allotted time for the interview was up.

Not caring for the rest of the interviews, you turned off the TV. Before the TV even went dark, you turned it on again and put on an old sitcom for background noise.

It’s obvious you care for her quite a bit.

What the hell had Seth meant by that?

Your phone vibrated and you checked the text from Seb.

Sebastian: You see it yet?

Me: I have bad taste in music, huh?

Me: That’s rich coming from someone who has never heard a Weird Al song before he met me

Sebastian: You made me listen to that song about Albuquerque and Sauer kraut so now it’s a valid opinion, since I have heard a Weird Al song

Sebastian: What’d you think about the rest? Did I fuck up anywhere?

Me: It was good. I’m glad you went with the truth

Sebastian: It’s a good story

Me: makes you sound like a selfless hero

Sebastian: I AM a selfless hero, thank u very much

Sebastian: But it’s also our story and I like it

Sebastian: Wouldn’t change a single thing

You stared at his texts for a good minute before getting the courage to type what came next.

Me: No regrets? Really?

His answer came almost instantly.

Sebastian: None at all

Sebastian: That fight over the weekend sucked, but I think we needed it. Cleared some things up for me at least

The fight hadn’t been what you’d been going for. You weren’t fishing for any apology. In fact, you weren’t really sure why you’d asked.

Sebastian: I should be home in an hour or two. Think you’ll be up still?

Me: I make no promises, but I’ll try

Sebastian: See you soon sweetheart

A hand on your shoulder woke you. Groggily, you opened your eyes to see Sebastian smiling at you from where he was knelt in front of the couch.

“Did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah. Unless you’ve been ignoring my texts, you fell asleep like, five minutes after you said you’d try to stay awake.”

“Shit, I suck.”

“Nah,” he assured you. “Blame Helen and Dr. Chowdhury. They’re the ones making your body literally attack itself.”

“Mmm.” You blinked a few times, trying to clear the sleep from your eyes. As you looked at his face, you remembered your decision to tell him about your family. “Hey, Seb? I wanna talk to you about something.”

He smoothed his hand over your hair, cupping the back of your neck. “Can it wait ‘til tomorrow? We’ve both had a long day and I’m beat.”

“Suppose it can.”

“Good.” Before you could say anything, he slid one arm under your knees and the other around your back, lifting you easily. “Then let’s get a good night sleep and talk about it tomorrow.”

“What are you—I can walk, you know.”

“And I can carry you.” Any response you’d had was cut off when he walked past the guest room and nudged open his bedroom door with his hip. He set you down on his bed and leaned over you, arms straight with hands next to your shoulders. “We done saying obvious things?”

No. “This is your room.”

“Yeah,” he raised an eyebrow. “That okay?”

Was it? You searched his eyes, looking for something… a reason, perhaps? Why were you in his room? “I—I guess.”

“Yeah?” Behind his bravado, you could finally see a slight hesitation. A little insecurity. That flicker helped calm your nerves. Sure, you still didn’t know why he wanted you here, but it was nice to see that he wasn’t sure about it either. Equal ground and all that.

“Yeah. Long as you don’t steal the blankets.”

Your teasing unlocked his grin and he pressed a kiss to your forehead before standing up straight. “Wouldn’t dream of it, sweetheart.”

There it was again.

“I, uh, I need to wash my face and, uh, grab my pajamas.” And have a moment alone to think so I don’t explode from whatever the fuck this feeling in my chest is. “Can I walk myself, or do you want to carry me?”

“Hurry back,” he said in lieu of an answer.

When you closed the guest bedroom door to change clothes, you leaned back against it for a second and tried to calm your heart.

Sure, you’d cuddled on the couch over the last few weeks. It wasn’t like this was much different.

But it was.

He’d started calling you sweetheart. He’d started kissing your forehead. He’d started holding your hand more. You’d started holding his hand. As in initiating the physical contact.

This wasn’t just cuddling, you thought to yourself as you grabbed your pajamas from the dresser. The thought was scary, but you almost didn’t care.

And, after you’d gone through your bedtime routine and hesitantly pushed open his door, all of your concerns flew away when he grinned at you and held open the sheets for you. As soon as you were secure in his arms, you came to the terrifying realization that there was nowhere else you’d rather be.

Sleeping in the same bed!?! The world knowing about her cancer!? Her wanting to tell Seb about her past?! What is the next thing that’ll go wrong? (Because you know it’s not all smooth sailing from here)

Chapter 14: The First Conversation

#sebastianxreader #sebastian stan x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #sebastian x reader #marve fanfic #mcu

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amelialincoln · 4 years

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Really been loving your fics, we needed more Amelink writers! Thought I'd ask for one if that's alright? So I'd love to see Link proposing to Amelia in a really rushed and imperfect way after he spent the week talking to people like Meredith, Jo, Owen, Webber, etc about hiw they got engaged. He tries to plan something perfect but messes it up somehow and Amelia obviously just laughs and says yes, idk I just wanna see stressed Link, hope this is enough to go off :)

We Find Love

“How did Derek propose?” Link found himself blurting out. Meredith peered over at him. He could see the confusion in her face, despite the surgical mask covering most of it.

“Are you thinking of proposing?” She asked turning back to her sutures.

“Maybe...yes. I think so,” he waved his instrument filled hands awkwardly, obviously flustered.

“Derek proposed in an elevator,” she put simply.

“Why an elevator?” Link asked.

Meredith shrugged. “It was just kind of a special place for us,” he tell she was smiling from her eyes. “It seems so silly now but honestly I was so in love with him that he could’ve done anything. It was perfect.”

“I know me and Amelia haven’t been together for that long, just with the baby on its way...not that that’s a reason. I just—”

“You don’t need to justify yourself,” Meredith interrupted. “When you know, you know.”

“Exactly,” Hayes’ chimed in. Link looked up to the peds surgeon, who he wasn’t aware was following the conversation.

Link placed his lab coat and scrubs in his locker before turning to leave the attending’s lounge.

“Hey,” Owen greeted him as he entered the room.

“Hi,” Link responded.

“You waiting for Amelia?” He asked as he went to open his own locker. Link nodded. “I just saw her get pulled into a surgery. Might be awhile.”

“Oh,” Link responded, as if on cue his phone buzzed with a message from her. “Great.”

Owen chuckled. “The life of two surgeons in a relationship.”

“Hey, how did you propose?” He asked. Owen raised his eyebrows, not expecting the question.

“Uh, which time?” He answered awkwardly. Link shrugged, hoping he hadn’t hit a sensitive spot. “Well my first proposal I just proposed to Cristina on the couch in our living room. It just seemed right and she wasn’t really into the romantic stuff,” he chuckled as if recalling an old memory. “Uh, with Amelia, well she actually proposed to me.” Link shifted uncomfortably in his seat, not aware of this story. “We’d both had past relationships and didn’t really want anything big. With Teddy, it was an on call room. I guess I’m not really the romantic type.” He shrugged. Link recalled Amelia’s story about their honeymoon troubles and believed it. “Are you thinking of proposing?”

“I guess so.” Link grinned.

“Well you’ll be the forth guy to propose to her.” Link tried to hide his surprise. “Weren’t aware of that one? She’s a handle that’s for sure and definitely a runner. That’s why she came to Seattle in the first place.” Owen clapped a hand on Link’s shoulder. “Good luck.”

“What’s up, you look stressed.” Jo slid into the cafeteria seat beside him. “What you got there?” Her eyes widened as she caught sight of it. “Atticus Lincoln, is that a ring box?”

“Jo, shut up,” he shushed her frantically.

“Wow, Shepherd did a number on you. It’s like we’re back in high school,” Jo teased, shoving a spoonful of jello into her mouth. “Yeah, I know it’s nasty. I forgot my lunch,” she explained, replying to his confused look. “So what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” he answered defensively, not exactly sure why he was being defensive. “I’ve been trying to get advice.”

“Well it’s not like this is you or Amelia’s first marriage. She probably isn’t expecting anything.”

“I know,” he sighed. “What did Alex do?”

Jo grinned. “He’d set up this whole little romantic dinner and I was going to break up with him.”

“What?” Link exclaimed.

“Yeah, I was all about ultimatums back then. Me or Meredith, all that shit. Anyways, it was sweet and small and perfect.”

“So you didn’t break up with him?”

“No, I figured that once I was his wife he’d have to choose me over Meredith.” She shrugged. “Turns out I like her more than I was expecting to. If you want to talk to the big romantic people you could talk to Jackson. Maybe not the best way but he called of April’s whole wedding to confess his love to her. Arizona proposed to Callie and then they got in a car accident. Less romantic, more catastrophic.

“Who are—”

“And then Teddy proposed to her first husband because he was her patient and didn’t have good health insurance.”

“What?”

“Crazy times happened at this hospital before you came around,” Jo patted his arm. “Look, I know you want to do something nice but she’ll love anything you end up doing.” And with that she headed out of the cafeteria, jello cup in hand.

The next night Link raced to Meredith’s, knowing that Amelia’s shift ended only an hour after his. Maggie had told him to set up at Meredith’s and that he could tell Amelia that they were having a girls night to throw her off. Link was pretty sure Amelia didn’t need ‘throwing off’ but he agreed knowing that Maggie most likely wanted to see Amelia’s reaction.

“What do you mean you aren’t already married, aren’t you having a baby?” Zola asked as Link was frantically setting the table for two. “Mom says that you get married first and then the baby comes after.”

“Well in most cases.” Link answered, glancing over at her. “Hey, Zola stop picking at those flowers.” Referring to the bouquet he’d bought on their way home.

“Sorry,” Zola shrugged. “You’re just making her dinner? What else?”

“I don’t know,” Link mumbled guiltily. “What do you think I should do?”

“I dunno,” Zola answered. “That’s your job.”

“Right,” Link sighed as he tossed the salad and placed the bowl on the table. Suddenly, he heard the front door open. “Do I kneel now?” He asked Zola.

“How am I supposed to know, do I look married to you?” Zola replied. Link decided to kneel, his heart thumping in his chest. His shaky hands reached into his pocket.

“False alarm,” Zola giggled as Meredith entered the room.

“Oh wow,” Meredith laughed. “I’m so flattered.” She mocked fanning her face.

“Shut up,” Link grumbled. “I’ve been trying to get this right all week and I can’t figure out anything to do justice to how much she means to me. I wanted to plan out this big romantic gesture but that just seems dumb and I don’t want to wait any longer. I would marry her right now if I could. I’ve been carrying around this stupid ring all week trying to find a time to give it to her that seemed right but I’m so worried that I’ll screw it up that I back out every time. Like how do I ask her to marry me and sum up all the million things I love about her into such a short amount of time?” He ran a pathetically shaky hand through his hair.

“That’ll do,” Amelia’s soft voice enters the room, her hands circling the swollen bump that recently formed on her abdomen.

“I was about to tell you,” Meredith grinned.

“Are you kidding me?” Link balled his hands in frustration. Meredith grabbed Zola by the hand, the little girl’s eyes wide as if she were watching a special on tv, and dragged her out of the room to give the couple some space. “Amelia, I wanted—”

“Link, this is perfect.” Her eyes scanned the room, softy lit by a couple of candles on the table. A bottle of sparkling water was sitting in a small bath of ice and she smiled as she saw that he’d made all her favourite pregnancy cravings. A sharp aroma drifted through the room and Link seemed to noticed it too.

“I burnt the chicken,” he nodded in disappointment, not even bothering to run to the kitchen in an attempt to salvage it. “This is a nightmare.”

“This is not a nightmare.” Amelia shook her head, wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing a lingering kiss to his lips. “You are absolutely perfect in every way, Atticus Lincoln.” He tried to conceal the blush that was overwhelming his cheeks, feeling like an idiot. “Now do you have a question to ask me or...” she bit her lip with a smile.

“Oh. Yeah!” He knelt down on one knee and glanced up into her deep blue eyes before removing the lid to the little velvet box in her hand. “Amelia Shepherd, from the moment I met you I haven’t spent a day without the thought of you entering my mind. You amaze and inspire me to be a better person and a better surgeon.” He paused as he saw tears begin to build at the edges of her eyes. “You make me so excited to be a father. I mean very scared...but also very excited and I would love to spend the rest of my life raising this child, and maybe other children,” he tried to hide his excitement, “with you. I wan’t to wake up beside you every morning and fall sleep with you in my arms every night. Amelia, will you marry me?”

“Of course,” she answered without hesitation. “And I would reply with the same answer if you’d asked me on our car ride to work or in the middle of surgery.”

“Would that have been better?”

“No, you loser,” she rolled her eyes as he slipped the ring on her finger. “Now come here and give your fiancée some kisses.”

“Do you say that to all of us?” He teased as he fulfilled her request.

sorry this is super shitty but I feel the need to write any prompt im given haha (that makes it sound like i dont like writing prompts but i do!!!) plz keep sending them bc they keep me motivated<3 and thx sm for all the support on my recent fics.

#amelia shepherd #greys abc #amelinkfanfiction #amelinkfanfic #amelinkfic #amelink #atticus lincoln #greys anatomy #jo wilson #meredith grey #owen hunt #teddy altman #maggie pierce #zola shepherd #derek shepherd #merder

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ghost-hyunjin · 4 years

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Another Way to Repay a Debt

TW: Bank setting, mafia deals, mention of cancer, poor sibling relationship, spoiled adult children, death, mention of jail, owing money to someone, mention of stereotype Greek life behaviors, mention of bribes, overbearing mother, parents spoiling a child

“Miss Park, please come in and take a seat,” the bank manager greeted her as the teller brought her to his office. He looked past the woman and addressed the teller, “Annie, would you please close the door behind you and tell everyone we are not to be disturbed.”

The teller glanced over her shoulder and hesitated for a few seconds, then nodded quickly and shut the door, a bit loudly behind her.

“You said you’d have the money by this month,” the young woman stated.

The manager tensed up in his desk chair and squeezed the armrest cushions attached to said chair. The loan he borrowed from Rose Park to remove the tumor on his wife’s pancreas. It was already time.

Damn his sister and good-for-nothing brother-in-law, Arthur thought miserably, trying to hide his expression. He sat up straighter in his seat and lowered his head slightly, averting his gaze.

“Miss Park, please do forgive me,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady, “I had the money.”

The young woman raised a brow at the last sentence. She studied the middle-aged bank manager across from her quietly.

Unlike some of the people who came knocking at her door, Arthur Pendleton was a nervous, but normal man with a wife and no kids. One would think a bank manager would make a cushy salary, but apparently Arthur had been passed over for a promotion and a few days later, his wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The doctors insisted that they remove the tumor immediately to save her life and quoted an astonishing price, even with their health insurance factored in. His wife tried to insist that perhaps they could do chemo instead, but the doctors persisted and Arthur tried to put on a brave smile and said they should listen to the doctors.

He tried asking his sister and her husband, but they gave the excuse that they needed to pay the school’s tuition for Jeff’s semester. (Arthur was pretty sure that it was really a donation they were giving the school to bribe the administration to not kick their son out after one too many frat parties hosted.) He looked into taking out a loan and then a neighbor that lived five doors down suggested chatting with his contact, which turned out to be Miss Park.

Arthur had all of the money stored in a separate account and he was prepared to give it to Miss Park and be done with it. But a week and a half ago, his sister came to the bank in tears, sobbing that her son was in jail. He thought it was a DUI or perhaps a neighbor finally won the battle against that spoiled boy’s fraternity, but his sister said otherwise.

“He killed a student!” his sister wailed. “His peers are calling him a murderer, but he’s innocent! That boy he shoved was a lightweight and it’s not his fault he actually works out!”

Apparently the school, witnesses, and the victim’s family were saying otherwise, and Jeff was arrested, currently in a holding cell. The bail was set high and his sister was short of the fees needed to get Jeff out. She claimed they sold some of his brother-in-law’s flashy cars and she pawned some jewelry, but it wasn’t enough.

“What about Vic’s parents? Can’t they help too?” he asked.

“Vic is trying to reason with them, but I need to get my boy out now! Oh Artie, they’re going to kill him there – he won’t survive a week!” his sister blurted out.

If Arthur hadn’t been so weak, so giving to others, he could have told his selfish sister that he couldn’t help. After all, they ignored his pleas to save his beloved wife Caterina, so why would he help his spoiled nephew who showed him zero respect? He almost told his sister that her son was probably in a station holding cell versus a real prison at this time, but thought better of it. During her visit, she managed to persuade him to cough up all of the money he had for Miss Park’s loan and not once had she asked about Caterina.

Miss Park stared at the bank manager with a serious look and tilted her head slightly. “Unacceptable. But I get it. Your wife was sick.” She paused for a moment to let her words sink in. “When can you get the money, hm?”

Arthur opened his mouth to speak and jumped when the phone on his desk began ringing loudly. He looked at the phone, then at Miss Park.

She gestured to the phone and he shakily reached for it.

“Annie, I said–”

“Sir, it’s a call from your sister – she wouldn’t take no for an answer,” Annie interrupted him. “Also, she called me something I can’t repeat here at work. Is she always like that?”

Great, that meant his sister was upset again, he thought.

“Annie, I’m sorry about her, please put her through,” he sighed. He heard Annie transfer the call and then he heard his sister’s voice.

“Artie, finally! That idiot girl was so slow and wouldn’t patch me through immediately – when I told her it was a family emergency, she didn’t listen!” his sister rambled.

“I gave you the money.”

“Now they’re saying the bail is higher!” she fussed as she messed up her hair. “Almost $1 million! Artie, that’s our house! We can’t sell our house right now for our boy, Vic won’t allow it! But I’m scared for every minute he sits there, alone in that cell! Oh and the other inmates must be taunting him, threatening to crack his skull open.”

“Fi, I don’t have any more money,” he said. “Cat is resting after her surgery and I’m trying to keep my household afloat.”

“You have to help!” she whined. “I have no one else to turn to! Our parents, they, they–”

“Fi, we need to talk later, I have a client with me right now and she is on a tight schedule. I’m being quite rude by talking on the phone in front of her,” Arthur interrupted. He hung up and shakily bowed, his head almost touching the top of his desk. “Please forgive me Miss Park.”

Rose had found the conversation intriguing. While normal people wouldn’t snoop, it was impossible to ignore the loud caller’s hysteria in her voice, something about her son.

“Family?” she asked.

Arthur raised his head and nodded as he looked at the phone. “My sister. My mom always said she was a pretty little fool. Never got a job but married rich. And now look at what that’s doing to her.” He groaned and rumpled his hair. “I know you are a busy woman and don’t wanna hear my excuses. I had all of it, all of the money to pay you back today. Then my sister comes in and tells me her idiot son got arrested. Now, I thought the kid finally got arrested for too much partying at his college, but apparently he killed a guy.”

Rose raised a brow and Arthur continued as he shook his head.

“Jeff’s not smart or competent enough with a weapon, but you give that knucklehead too much to drink, he thinks he’s the Hulk. Apparently he cornered this other student and pushed him – the other kid fell, hit his head hard, and boom! The kid was dead. Jeff ran for it and now he’s facing murder charges and who does my sister come crawling back to? Me, because I’m the sucker who will help.”

The woman sat forward in her chair a little and leaned forward. “Now your sister is asking for more money?”

“I’m guessing the charges are being raised from accident to manslaughter or something,” Arthur moaned. He slowly folded his hands in front of him and prayed that the woman would let him have a little more time to pay her back. “It’s hers and my lousy brother-in-law’s fault for letting that kid get away with anything. Why, Jeff won’t show me a minute of respect unless you bribed him with a $100 bill.”

The young woman listened as Arthur described the troubled nephew in question. Certainly the boy was stupid and not well-liked by the family, save for his mother and maybe the father. In the brief time she had mixed with the bank manager, she understood that he used her loan wisely and now the wife was stable. As for his pathetic sister…

“I promise, I’ll have the money by September,” Arthur whispered as he raised his head. He noticed that Miss Park was standing up and he scrambled to his feet. “I’ll even pay ex–”

Rose had begun walking to the door and she raised a hand slightly to stop him.

“Thank you, Arthur. That’ll be all, consider your debt paid. Tell Caterina I send my best.”

@mafia-chae @guitar-sihyeon

#mafia-chae #guitar-sihyeon #[tw: mafia behaviors]#[tw: mention of bribes]#[tw: mention of death]#[tw: negative portrayal of Greek life]#[tw: bank]#[tw: debts owed]#[tw: poor sibling relationship]#[tw: spoiled adult children]#[tw: overbearing mother]#[tw: mention of cancer]

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cowboyjen68 · 5 years

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Hey, ma! It’s the anon with the angry mom and traveling. I’m still here at my girlfriend’s but it’s confirmed everything my femme and I talked about. I want to move here, marry her, and spend my life with her. We’ve been having a lot of fun (she took me to my first arcade and we saw a movie together and attended our first pride together) and I don’t ever wanna go back home. She’s everything I ever dreamed of and I can’t wait until I get to propose.

Hey. It sounds like you had a wonderful time and I am so happy for you.

Now the parent crap... . okay.. you might not want to hear this... but please slow down. First love can be very intoxicating and you can burn a lot of bridges making rash decisions. It is totally okay to fall in love and to have a great time and to want to be together. BUT you are very young.. and you need to finish your education and work on your own stabiity before you take on the stability of another human being.

Do not forgo your education (especially if it is paid for by your parents) or your living expenses (especially if you have little or no job experience). Having to work 50 hours a week to pay rent and get food will suck the fun out of any relationship.. trust me on this.

Hopefully you are just in the dream phase and plan to return home and continue to grow the relationship, visiting as you can, until you have your diploma in hand and can move to full adulthood with a job and taking care of your own expenses. (think things like cell, health insurance, car and car insurance, etc-- things your parents likely pay for)..

I love the idea that you found love..and perhaps,. you have.. if so.. it will wait while you prepare to take on the other shit in life that is necessary for the both of you.

I also strongly encourage you to consider putting off marriage for a bit. Once you involve the government they like to make damn near impossible for you to UNinvolve them if you decide to break up.

Your femme love can give you great gifts.. the gifts of purpose and drive. Now you have a wonderful reason to bust your ass to graduate.. to work towards a job that will pay the bills. To save up for a car of your own. You can use your desire to be with her to improve yourself and strive to learn the skills to take care of yourself. Then when the time is right.. you have a better chance to really enjoy each other and not stuggle to keep the lights and water turned on.

The non mom lesbian side of me is sceaming “Yay for young and true love.. I am so happy you are having fun and she gives you all the feelings you were hoping for)

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digiauthorenergize · 5 years

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This is a stress rant post. There are a myriad of sister updates that I’m sure people don’t care about but it’s fun gossip so I’ll put them under the cut. The sister updates will be followed by and interspersed with a bunch of personal ramblings that I was going to put in the tags but instead I decided to put all the positive stuff in the tags because no one should need to dig through this negative post to find the positive stuff going on.

Do people trigger warning their rant posts outside of the tags? Is that a thing? I’m going to do it. TWs for my sister and her husband continuing to be garbage and Anxiety and like, old psudo-anorexia habits I had but idk it’s fine.

So she had her baby! yay! he’s cute and good and healthy and it’s been a few months (like 4?). We had a bonding moment a few hours before she gave birth, her husband (he’s still a huge ass more on that later) was asleep on the couch and I was sitting with her on her bed watching some absolutely garbage show and she said she was sorry. And it was genuine and soft and the stuff of hurt/comfort fics cause she was like ‘I shouldn’t have yelled at you and I shouldn’t have moved out like that. You were right and I’m sorry.’ and I just rubbed her head a little and said something that essentially meant ‘I’m still working through it, but we’re cool’. And I thought for real we were good! That like, we were going to start having a normal relationship again and stuff! And then everything got exposed.

First she had to get over her ppd (which is a very good thing but also allowed all the exposure that’s following all this) with required a lot of help and support from our mom who’s too good for her honestly. Literally our mom is too good for her. It’s so frustrating because on the one hand she needs the help and I get that, she’s always needed the help and all the attention and I get it. I do. but it doesn’t change any of the bs she’s been and continues to put our mom through. Mom’s paying for everything for the baby: diapers, formula (she’s not breast feeding for reasons that are further down and it makes me want to scream), clothing, all of it. She was coming over every day mom was off work for a while. She still comes over a lot, but it’s not just cause she likes the help. My mom is doing everything she can for my sister and called me last nigh saying she feels like a failure as a parent and it’s not fair because mom did a great job with the two of us honestly and just cause my sister can’t make a good decision to save her soul shouldn’t be a reflection on my mom. I’m functional (mom said she thinks I’m smarter than she is and that’s something my ego does not need to hear right now cause lemme tell you what I know I’m being judgy from this pedestal atop of which I sit). I look at all my options and make decisions carefully. I watch my funds like a hawk because I’m a grown ass adult and I don’t want to have to ask my parents for help (I’ve managed not to use any of my severance package from getting laid off in April <<did I ever mention that here? I got laid off in April so I stepped up at my second job so I wouldn’t be without healthcare and stuff. Also also internalizing that ‘I’m the good daughter’ mantra is NOT GOOD STOP IT.>> and a huge part of that is my fiance being able to handle the utilities so I can focus on my own bills (my part of the rent, groceries, phone/car/etc). Just cause one of us is a hot mess doesn’t mean she did anything wrong as a parent! She did a great job! Or we’d both be messes! But I super digress.

((Mom and I also had a talk about whether or not she should report the whole situation detailed below this line to CPS, and my opinion was ‘technically you should be talking to a professional about this not your daughter, but yes’ and she said she was going to talk to one of the social workers at work about it so))

My sister’s husband is using opioids. again. He hasn’t done any of the parole stuff he was supposed to do after he got caught with them the first time (re: my other long ass personal posts cause I don’t know how to keep rant shit and fandom shit away from each other) and he had 3 years to do them, so his FEDERAL DRUG POSSESSION CHARGE is going to go on his RECORD. **insert all of the frustrate at the stupidity of it all facepalms here like, i can’t even** Apparently they haven’t paid their rent in months and so they got an eviction notice over the long weekend, they’re like over 10k in credit card debt (and it’s all in her name I’m sure cause she had good credit before she married this dumbass), and APPARENTLY last winter they were so far behind on their electric bill after heating their apartment with the OVEN because their heater was broken (and they couldn’t tell their landlord because they were already behind on their rent) the company made them pay the bill in CASH. like. what the fuck??? We found all this out from his mom (who’s very nice but also very nosy) over the last holiday weekend where my mom took the baby for a few nights so that my sister could go see some fireworks (and you know, have some fun) but ended up keeping him for a week and his mom had had the baby for the week before the holiday. like! what! and apparently she’s been smoking weed again which is why she wasn’t breastfeeding which, good, but also like. Logically I get it: she’s depressed? she smokes weed. We have a family history of addictive tendencies but whatever I get it, it’s her thing and whatever. but also!!! what!!! the hell!!!

oof.

And then on top of all that, I’ve been trying to Logic my way through my anxiety like I usually do but it’s just...not working this time. My usual method is to take whatever the feeling I’m feeling is, identify it, acknowledge it, figure out exactly where the root of that feeling in this situation is and deal with that. But half of this is wading through my sisters bs and there are only so many times you can say “you’re feeling this way in part because you feel like you’re morally/intellectually superior to your sister in a way that’s not great (tm) (but the data supports this response and then it’s off on a tangent)” and “through past experiences you’ve chosen not to address your emotional response, instead focusing on finding solutions and therefore are under equipped to deal with all these feelings (tm) and as you continue to try to suppress them so you can put on a retail face and ‘function’, they keep coming out as barely controlled bursts of chaotic energy that you usually channel into writing projects but as the bursts grow more unpredictable you’re anxiety is popping up to remind you of the unhealthy coping mechanisms we developed last time this happened but those don’t actually work the way you thought they did”. And then my anxiety comes in and says “yeah they do” and god if only they did work the way I tricked myself into thinking they did cause I could go back to only drinking my calories and eating a real meal once a day if that (for like family dinner or whatever) and with the way my schedule currently is I could and it would be so easy to just starve my anxiety again for like 10-12lbs but that’s when you start being able to really see my ribs and that’s not great fam and I’m not going to go down that road again we’re riding it out this time damn it.

I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve made 2 new music playlists. One I use to calm down when my anxiety spikes, it’s got low-fi remixes and different grounding techniques and is super chill. The other is literally ‘ok, so you wanna have this anxiety attack? We’re Gonna Go??’ and it’s all stressful music. I’ve gotten to the point where I can crest and regroup in 12 minutes, and if I time the playlist correctly I can do the whole thing in the shower while I’m getting ready for the day so when I’m done I just have to get dressed and go. Which is also not great but whatever fucking works I guess?

Also big ass unrelated side note: I’ve come to the realization that I’m Ace, but not sex-repulsed, which was a thing I had to tell my fiance and he kinda gets it? But not really? Cause that’s really important to him and his sense of self-worth which is a whole other thing we’ll probably end up in couples therapy for, but we’re both willing to do that so.

As soon as everything else settles down we’ll get to that. Which is what I’ve been telling myself about my emotions for years. As soon as this settles down I’ll try therapy again. As soon as I have health insurance that will actually make it affordable. As soon as I get settled. As soon as I have time (and then I over book myself). As soon as as soon as as soon as.

I’m so annoyed with myself. But it’ll be fine. Sunshine comes after some rain and you need some rain to grow.

#ooc #I'm now the assistant manager at the retail spot I work #and I have an interview for a second job at a bank on Friday!#the bank job has a consistent schedule so my retail schedule will HAVE to settle into a pattern #and it'll have better healthcare so I can actually start seeing someone to work on all this baggage #and! I'm going to start shadowing an SLP at the hospital my mom works at #and start planning to apply to grad school!#I love SLP #I love language and I love helping other people learn to communicate it's so good #it's the purest thing ever #my mom is such a good mom too #it's real loving and appreciating my mom hours up in here #I started writing this at midnight and now it's 3am woops

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acs0qbzk-blog · 5 years

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Health insurance system in Belgium?

Hello All, I am looking to relocate in Belgium and I have a question. Can anyone help me please: Is there a knee cartilage transplant surgery covered by the health insurance in Belgium, or I would need to pay it myself? How about an arthroscopy just to clean the joint of loose bodies? Many thanks!

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SOURCES:

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zigsexual · 6 years

Text

waiting game (drake/liam)

note: all the previous driam vignettes are linked on my masterlist here if you want to catch up. this brings book one to a close!! next up, the hunt to clear riley’s name, wherever that might lead. sorry this one is long as fuck.

summary: riley and drake have a heart-to-heart. maxwell shows his cards. the coronation comes sooner than anyone has planned.

pairings: driam, still-in-its-infancy maxwell/mc

word count: 7400+

• • •

Drake agrees to help Maxwell with the party more for himself than for anything else. It’s an excuse to keep busy when all he wants to do is drive off a bridge. Plus, Maxwell has all sorts of expensive whiskey stored away in that mansion of his, and Drake is not above being drunk today.

Halfway through the afternoon, Bertrand puts him and Riley to work on the centerpieces to keep them out of the way while he yells at Maxwell. Riley — whose time with the Beaumonts has been limited, though still extensive — looks concerned, shooting furtive glances over to the corner where the two brothers stand, arguing.

“That’s normal,” Drake says, taking the bouquet from her hands and dumping it unceremoniously in a vase. “Bertrand is calmest when he’s yelling at Maxwell about something.”

Riley seems unconvinced. “I’ve never seen him act like that.”

“You’ve never seen him throw a party before,” Drake hands her a piece of ribbon. “Can you please tie this? If I do it, Bertrand’s just going to yell even more.”

She takes the ribbon from him, wrapping it around the vase, finally focused back in on their project. “Did you ever go to their parties?”

“Not unless I had to.”

“Why would you have to?”

He catches himself, pausing while she finishes her bow. “I, ah… sometimes Liam asked me to go with him. Y’know… so he’d have someone to talk to.”

It sounds stupid as soon as he says it, but she doesn’t press, only straightening up to survey her work. “You guys are really close, right?”

Drake surveys her warily. “Yeah.”

“Does he ever… talk about me?”

“Brooks,” Drake frowns, “I’m not giving you dirt on Liam so you can get the edge up on everyone else.”

“No, no — sorry, that’s not what I meant.” She sighs, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “It’s just… he and I were talking the other day, and he asked me if I thought I could be Queen, and… god, I don’t know. It hasn’t even been that long, and I like him, don’t get me wrong, but…”

She bites one of her nails, pacing around the table. “This is just… a lot? You know? I mean, getting married? Becoming the Queen? I’m not even thirty. I still don’t really understand what a 401k is. I haven’t even bought my own health insurance before.” She looks up at Drake, wide-eyed. “Does Cordonia have socialized medicine?”

“Hey, Brooks, Jesus,” he grabs her shoulders, forcing her into a stop. “What are you on about?”

“I’m freaking out!” she hisses, pushing his hands off her. “What if I don’t want to get engaged? This is all so fast, I don’t even know what I’m doing. Marrying a prince? I mean, what if I —”

She cuts herself off, covering her face with a frustrated groan. Drake glances over to make sure no one else has noticed, but Bertrand is still berating Maxwell, hands gesturing wildly.

It’s been hard to hate her lately, this girl in front of him. She hasn’t ended up quite how he expected her to be, and she’s shied away from the typical suitor behavior ever since she arrived. He understands why Liam likes her, even if he desperately wishes he didn’t. But this — holding everything he’s ever wanted in her hands and folding before she even draws a card?

“You’re not serious, are you?” he says, “Do you know how many people would kill to be in your shoes? You’ve got everything handed to you on a silver platter and now it’s not good enough?”

“This isn’t about you and your ‘nobles are trash’ bullshit!” she says back, level with him in a way he hadn’t expected. “I’m trying to talk to you. I just… I thought maybe by now you would finally admit that we’re friends.”

“What?”

She lets out a loud sigh, plucking at a leaf on their floral arrangement, slowly pulling it off the stem. “Drake, did you ever have a girlfriend?”

He stares at her. “I’m not following.”

“I’ve only dated like, a handful of guys back home, and it was never anything serious. Never anything where I thought I wanted to marry them.” She picks at another leaf. “And with Liam… how am I supposed to know him when it’s only been a few weeks? I’ve always been game for crazy shit, but this… this is next level.” She glances up at him, something serious in her eyes that makes him listen. “Am I making the right choice? You know Liam, probably in a way I never will. What do I do if he actually asks me to marry him?”

“I…” Drake isn’t sure what to say, torn between breaking his own heart and breaking Liam’s. Riley is tearing apart pieces of leaf in her fingers, letting them fall on the ground like confetti in front of him. “Well… what do you want? Do you want to marry him?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you love him?”

“I don’t know.”

Drake sighs. “Brooks, you’re giving me nothing to work with here.”

“That’s the root of the problem, I guess.” She shrugs. “I don’t really know anything at all.”

“Didn’t you ever, like… plan your wedding or something? Girls do that, right? You never thought about what the person you’d be marrying would be like?”

She rolls her eyes at him. “You literally have a sister, you don’t have to act like I have cooties.”

“That’s not — okay, look, you’re the one who asked me for help with this.”

“Fine.” Riley pauses, thinking. “I’ve always pictured myself with someone who makes me laugh. The kind of person I know I can always have fun with, even on the worst days. Someone loyal and generous, who doesn’t take himself too seriously. Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime with your best friend, right? That’s what I want — a guy who will be my best friend, who I can’t wait to wake up to in the morning.”

She glances over at Maxwell again, frowning when she sees that Bertrand has now taken to reading aloud a printed-out bank statement he appears to have just been carrying around the whole time. “You sure we don’t need to intervene?”

“Yes.” Drake swallows against the knot that’s risen in his throat at her words. Every time he thinks it’s gotten easier, he’s wrong. “Listen, Brooks…”

Bertrand’s voice shatters the moment, footsteps loudly echoing across the floor of the banquet hall, “Have you only finished the one table? In all this time? Good grief.”

Riley slips away from Drake as quickly as possible, apologizing to Bertrand as she grabs a new bundle of flowers and heads to the next table, busying herself arranging. Bertrand follows after her, criticizing her technique.

Maxwell sidles up next to Drake. “Well, that was fun.”

“Sounded like it.”

He glances over at him, a sad smile on his face. “Do you want a drink?”

“God, yes,” Drake replies, and the two of them slip out before anyone else can notice.

---

Miraculously, the party goes off without a hitch — at least as far as Maxwell’s definition of ‘a hitch’ is concerned. The King and Queen make their customary appearance, the horses are inexplicably released into the halls, and Bertrand doesn’t ruin any of the festivities. All in all, they’ve managed to pull off their ruse quite successfully.

Liam leaves right around the time things get particularly crazy, citing his need to be well-rested for the coming coronation events. No one can blame him, but Maxwell still attempts to spray him with champagne before he makes it out. The King’s Guard intercepts him twice.

Drake had spent most of the night avoiding Liam, finding reasons to stick close to the bar, too many memories of parties just like this one where they’d been at each other’s side long into the dawn. He’s tried to keep himself busy (as busy as one can be when an army of staff is constantly there at your beck and call), tried to focus on anything other than the rapidly looming coronation, but as the party comes to a close, he finds himself halfway through a bottle of Irish whiskey with nothing at all to show for it.

Now he’s left with the remains of their motley crew, sprawled around Maxwell’s room as an escape from the lingering debauchery below. Riley is drunk, laughing too long and talking too loud, one arm draped around Maxwell’s shoulders as she tries to teach Hana the rules to “Truth or Dare.” As if there were rules in the first place. Drake is quiet, staring off into the fireplace listening to the three of them yell over each other all at once.

“You’ll play, right?” Riley asks, poking at him with her foot. “I wanna know your secrets, Drake.”

“No thanks,” he responds, edging away from her. “I’ll pass.”

She pouts, turning to Maxwell. “Why won’t he do it? I wanna know.”

Drake rolls his eyes. “Listen Brooks, I’ve been down this road before, and you can’t win with Maxwell. All his dares are personal humiliation like you’ve never seen, and truth is even worse. I’m going to bed.”

He moves to stand up, but Riley grabs his arm, an exaggerated frown on her face. “Please? It’ll be fun. You never let me have fun, Drake.”

“Have your own fun without me, I promise it’ll be a lot better.”

Riley grins, closing her eyes and pulling his arm against her cheek, fingers like a vice grip. “Not letting you go until you say yes.”

Great. He’s had too much whiskey to deal with this. He looks over to Maxwell for support, but Maxwell only shrugs. “The lady has spoken. I promise I’ll go easy on you.”

“Ugh, fine, just —” He shakes his arm in an attempt to get her hands off him, but she’s relentless. “Let go already, Jesus. I’m sitting down, okay? I’m sitting down.”

Riley drops his arm, clapping her hands together gleefully. “I’m starting! My turn first!” She leans back into Maxwell, her hair falling over his shoulder. “Hmm… Max? Truth or dare?”

“Dare,” Maxwell says, not hesitating for a moment.

Riley looks confused. “Oh. I didn’t want that.”

“It’s the rules,” Hana pipes up, demurely sipping some fruity drink she’s been working on over the past hour. “You just explained them.”

Riley crosses her arms, sitting up. “Well, now I don’t like them.”

“Maxwell never does truth,” Drake says, rolling his eyes, “that way no one can ever verify any of the ridiculous rumors he spreads about himself.”

Maxwell holds up a hand. “How dare you, I do not spread rumors about myself. I’ll have you know I never pick truth because I’m an open book, so it’s just boring. I don’t like boring.”

“You’re not an open book,” Riley says, making a face. “That’s why I wanted you to say truth. You’re a locked book. Empty book.”

“Am not!” Maxwell replies indignantly, looking around the room at the others. “Come on, I tell you guys everything.”

Drake just shrugs, and Hana adds, “Well, if you’d really like to know, that’s not usually the case.”

“Ugh, fine,” Maxwell sighs dramatically, turning back towards Riley. “Truth it is then.”

Riley grins, clapping her hands again before she seems to realize this means it’s her turn to ask the question. She pauses then, brow furrowed in thought, before finally saying, “Have you ever been in love?”

“Nope,” Maxwell answers almost instantly. “Alright, my turn now.”

“Open book, my ass,” Riley lays back onto the floor, spreading her arms out like a starfish. “I don’t like this game anymore.”

“Too late,” Maxwell singsongs, pointing at Hana. “Truth or dare?”

“Oh,” Hana looks scared. “Dare?”

“I dare you to go streaking in the banquet hall right now.”

Hana goes red. “Do I have to take off my clothes?”

Maxwell sighs. “Hana, you do know what streaking is, right?”

Riley sits up again, the grin back on her face, already stumbling to get up while using Maxwell’s shoulder as a crutch. “I’ll do it with you! We both go together!”

“That’s not the rules —” Hana tries to interject, but Riley is already making her way over to her, holding out her hands. With a glance between Maxwell and Drake, Hana relents, letting Riley pull her up to her feet.

“Come on Drake,” Maxwell says, standing up as well. “We have to supervise to ensure the dare is completed accordingly.”

Begrudgingly, Drake follows the lot of them into the hallway and down the staircase, slick with spilled champagne, careful to make sure Riley doesn’t accidentally take herself out as she wobbles her way down. She’s already trying to take off her dress before they’ve even reached the room, a flurry of tulle getting caught in her hair. Hana attempts to help, the two of them giggling when Riley finally emerges in just her underwear, raising a single fist triumphantly.

“Now you!” She announces, pointing at Hana, who is already blushing something fierce. The banquet hall is right ahead, where only hours earlier Drake had been fussing with floral arrangements. God, the things he does for these people.

Maxwell opens the doors, the place still set up just how they’d left it, plates and silverware now cleared from the tables. Riley busies herself unzipping the back of Hana’s dress, even as Hana attempts to protest that she doesn’t need any help, face reddening even more with each passing second.

When the dress pools around her ankles, Hana instinctively covers herself with her arms. Riley laughs, brushing Hana’s hair back over her shoulders. “Don’t hide, silly! You’re hot!”

“Oh, I —”

“We both are!” Riley grabs Hana’s hand, tugging her along as she starts off towards the other end of the room, unsteady on her feet. “Enjoy the show everyone!”

As their footsteps fall away into the vastness of the room, Drake takes a deep breath. “I don’t know how you handle that one.”

“She’s fun,” Maxwell smiles. “I’ve never had anyone fun live with us before. It’s nice.”

“Yeah, I kinda… I overheard Bertrand earlier.”

“He wasn’t exactly being discreet.”

“Are you guys good? I mean —”

Maxwell holds up his hand, looking at Drake with one eyebrow raised. “No free truths.”

“Oh, come on,” Drake leans back against the wall, surveying Maxwell warily. “Some open book you are.”

“You have to ask.”

“Ask what?”

“You know what.”

Drake lets out an exaggerated sigh. “Ugh, fine. Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

Hana and Riley have reached the other side of the room now, both laughing and out of breath, Riley steadying herself on Hana’s shoulder. Drake watches them for a moment before turning back to Maxwell. “Do you have a thing for Hana?”

“Hana?” Maxwell laughs. “No way, she’s gay.”

“What?” Drake’s brow furrows in confusion. “No, she’s a suitor. She wouldn’t… did she say something to you?”

Maxwell shakes his head. “Nah, but it’s not like she’s subtle. She’s barely even looked at Liam, I’m pretty sure she didn’t kiss her ex-fiancé until they were actually engaged, and she blushes every time Riley touches her. I mean, look.” He points out at the two of them, now slumped down on the floor with their backs to the wall, Riley braiding Hana’s hair. Even from as far away as they are, Drake can tell Hana is flushed straight up to the tops of her ears.

“That’s… astute, I guess.”

“I know everything,” Maxwell muses. “You’d be surprised what you can learn when everyone writes you off as an idiot.”

“Okay then,” Drake says, slightly warier of Maxwell now. Maybe he’d been paying more attention to all of them than they’d previously thought. “If you’re not into her, why did you dare her to go streaking?”

“Not everyone has ulterior motives, Drake,” Maxwell answers, crossing his arms. “Sometimes dares are just fun. Also, you didn’t ask again. That one is a freebie.” He turns to look at Drake. “Truth or dare?”

“I know how you work, Beaumont. Truth.”

Maxwell considers him for a moment. “Are you fucking Olivia?”

“Jesus, um —” He pauses, mouth open, not sure how to continue, but the fact that Maxwell has even posed the question must mean he already knows the answer. “Okay, yeah, but it’s… it’s not like that, I swear.”

“I knew it. Okay, your turn.”

“You’re not… I mean, don’t tell anyone that, alright? Nobody knows.”

Maxwell gives him an incredulous stare. “Sure, Drake. Nobody knows.”

“Ugh. Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“When did you lose your virginity?”

Maxwell rolls his eyes. “That’s boring. On my birthday. But you don’t get to know which one.”

“Seriously? What’s your idea of not boring, then?”

Maxwell glances over to Riley and Hana, almost as if he’s making sure they’re still out of earshot. Riley appears to be falling asleep in Hana’s lap, and Hana is stroking her hair gently while she gazes down at her face. Shit, maybe Maxwell was onto something with his earlier theory after all.

He turns back to Drake with a grin. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“When did Liam lose his virginity?”

“I —” The question catches him off-guard, and he fumbles for something to say, leaving the silence lingering between them for far too long. Maxwell isn’t smiling anymore, but he’s still looking at Drake with that curious expression of his, that stare that maybe really does know everything.

“Take your time,” he says quietly.

And Drake is certain then — from the way he glances cautiously back over at the girls, the way he’s lowered his voice at the subject — Maxwell knows.

“I don’t…” Drake still isn’t sure how to respond, grateful for the brief reprieve from Maxwell’s inquiring gaze. “I’m not, I mean — Liam’s very… private.”

Maxwell crosses his arms, leaning back next to him against the wall. “You both are.”

His heart is beating too fast again, echoing in his ears, yet mingled with all the fear and the worry in his veins is something else — something like relief. A tiny sliver of him that is almost grateful for the chance to remind himself that it wasn’t just him alone in this thing. That maybe, even with how hard they’d tried to conceal their feelings all these years, a part of Liam loved him enough to let them leak through.

Maxwell is silent, letting him think, or perhaps just waiting for him to speak. Drake bites his lip. “You remember the week I came back from college?”

“Yeah.” Maxwell glances over at him. “Why?”

Drake looks at him pointedly.

“Oh. Oh.” Maxwell raises his eyebrows, turning to look back out into the vastness of the banquet hall. “Wow. I didn’t actually expect you to answer. Respect, I guess.”

“If you ever speak a word of that to anyone—”

“Truth or dare is sacred to me, Drake,” Maxwell interrupts, “Don’t worry about it. Plus, I’m good at keeping secrets. Kept that one for ages.”

Drake runs a hand through his hair, already feeling the heat rise in his cheeks. “I can’t believe… I mean, you never said anything.”

“What did you expect me to say?” Maxwell tilts his head. “’Hey guys, remember that time I caught you in the upstairs hall and Drake said he dropped something? Well, you may be interested to know that —‘”

“Oh god,” Drake is certain his face is red now. “You saw that?”

Maxwell scoffs. “Wow, you really do think I’m an idiot, don’t you? Liam was literally putting his shirt back on, Drake. Also, I was standing there for like a full minute before either of you noticed.”

“So that would probably be the appropriate time to say something.”

“I was waiting for a natural break during which to announce myself, but you wouldn’t stop making out—”

“Fucking Christ,” Drake sighs. “Is that how you found out?”

“Nah,” Maxwell smiles, only slightly smug. It’s enough to make Drake wish he were anywhere else in the world. “I knew way before then. That was just further confirmation.”

“When did you know?”

“Uh, like Year Seven maybe? I’m perceptive.”

“Okay, it has not been since Year Seven —”

“Drake,” Maxwell shoots him a knowing look. “You’ve hated every single girl Liam has ever been remotely linked to. Remember when he said his celebrity crush was Blake Lively? You wouldn’t watch Gossip Girl with us for a year.”

Drake frowns, crossing his arms. “That’s totally unrelated. Gossip Girl is a terrible show and I hated it.”

“That’s not what you said before Blakegate.”

“Oh my god.”

Maxwell laughs, but there’s still something sad in his eyes. “I always wondered when you would finally say something to him. Or did he say something to you?”

“Nice try, but you didn’t ask. Also, it’s not your turn, and it’s none of your business.”

“Ah, the truth or dare touché.” Maxwell pushes off from the wall, nodding towards the sleeping figures that have become of Hana and Riley. “Come on, let’s get them back to the bedrooms.”

He starts off towards them, but Drake grabs his shoulder before he can go too far. “Wait. You haven’t… told anyone, have you?”

“Who would I tell?” Maxwell looks back at him. “You guys are my only friends.”

“Well… I mean, there’s Bertrand.”

Maxwell just laughs again, shaking off Drake’s hand. “I could fill a book with the things I don’t tell Bertrand. Three books, probably.”

Drake falls into step next to him, the two of them starting the long trek across the room. There’s something amicable there between them now, not so much a friendship (despite what Maxwell says, Drake is ever wary of the nobles), but certainly a kind of quiet understanding. As they walk together in silence for a few minutes, he’s grateful for it.

“Hey,” he says, stopping Maxwell one more time before they approach the two girls. “Thanks. Y’know… for not saying anything.”

Maxwell shrugs. “Sure. For what it’s worth… I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine."

“No, it’s not. Not really, anyway,” Maxwell says. “But if it makes you feel better, once Riley wakes up, I’m going to dare her to eat a ghost pepper.”

And he has to admit, that one does make him smile.

---

The coronation is upon them before anyone is ready, least of all Drake. He’s tried to play by the rules for once, worn a suit and only had a glass or two to drink beforehand, but it’s barely been fifteen minutes before he’s ready to jump off the palace roof.

When Riley arrives, she beelines towards him, much to his displeasure. Maybe she thinks his “commonness” will be a respite amongst the opulence of the occasion, but there’s irony in the fact that the only two commoners now have next to nothing in common.

He pretends not to see her until she’s practically standing in front of him, the skirts of her dress swishing as she walks. She looks beautiful — she always does — but there’s a part of that beauty that’s been ever so precisely engineered for this particular crowd.

“You look just like them,” he says, raising his drink towards her. “Congratulations.”

She makes a face. “Don’t say that. I’m still me.”

“Not for long.”

She eyes the glass in his hands as he takes a sip. “Let me guess, not your first one of the night?”

“It’s a party, Brooks. Ease up.”

“You ease up,” she frowns, “I’m nervous, and you’re one of the only people I really know here, and you’re being a dick.”

“Maybe you should’ve started drinking earlier too,” he deadpans, looking over towards the receiving line where the King and Queen are standing with Liam. “Aren’t you supposed to be over there, anyway?”

She glances over too, following his gaze, and her shoulders tense up. “Yeah, I just… I’m not ready yet.”

“Ready for what? To get married? To become the queen?” He rolls his eyes at her, and she turns back just in time to catch the tail end. Her brow furrows.

“What’s your deal? You know how scary this is for me, I… I don’t understand why you’re being such an asshole. I’m sorry that I’m not wearing Levi’s to a royal coronation, but —”

“That’s what you think this is about?” He scoffs. “You’re such a hypocrite, Brooks.”

“What the hell is up with you?” She says, voice raised. “Like you’re one to talk, anyway. Best friends with a prince? Living in the palace never wanting for a thing? What a rough hand you’ve been dealt.”

“You have no idea what my life is like,” Drake tells her. “You think you know everything, but you don’t know shit about me or anyone else here.”

“Because none of you will trust me with anything!” She yells, attracting a few looks from those closer by. Her lower lip quivers, and she takes a deep breath, steadying herself before she speaks again. “You can’t possibly know what it’s like to come into this world without a single ally. Liam has always had your back, from day one. But he can’t do that for me, because it’s ‘not fair to the others,’ or whatever. I’m already the outsider here, and all those girls hate me, and the press is just itching for a reason to hate me too. I don’t know what else I have to do to convince you that I’m not some gold-digging bitch, Drake. I’m just me.”

He looks at her, really looks, a part of him softening at her words. “Listen, I… I’m sorry, okay? I’m not trying to…” He sighs. “Fuck, I don’t know. You shouldn’t even be talking to me. You should just be enjoying this night.”

“So should you,” she says, “Your best friend is about to become the king. Go pop a bottle or something.”

“Like I said, Brooks,” he looks towards Liam again. “You have no idea.”

Something passes across her face at his words, a question she almost asks, but doesn’t.

“Fine,” she says instead, turning away from him. “I’m going to find Maxwell.”

“Great,” Drake retorts, “I’m gonna get some air.”

There’s a hallway just outside the ballroom that leads outside to the palace gardens, and suddenly he just desperately wants to be alone. He leaves his now-empty glass on a table and slips out of the room through a side door, already filled with relief as the din of the guests is hushed behind him. The hallway is silent except for the security posted every few feet, and they don’t pay him any attention as he starts off towards his destination.

He doesn’t get very far.

“Drake?” A voice calls out from behind him, couched in laughter. “Drake Walker, is that you? God, you look exactly the same.”

Drake turns, teeth gritted. “Leo.”

The former heir to the throne claps him on the shoulder, his other hand firmly clutching a large glass of wine. “How the hell are you, man? Still hanging out with his royal highness?”

“Mhm,” Drake searches for an exit from this conversation, desperately scanning the hallway for anyone to pass Leo off to, but the area is completely deserted. This is what he gets for trying to have a moment alone. “Still ruining the family name?”

“Ouch,” Leo laughs again, holding up his hands in surrender, almost spilling his wine. “Guilty as charged.”

“No offense,” Drake asks, “But why are you here? Liam said you might not make it. I don’t think any of us expected you would.”

“Gotta make a few sacrifices when it comes to my brother, you know?” Leo takes a drink from his glass. “And this is a nice cabernet to boot.”

“A few sacrifices.” Drake stares at him. “Right.”

Leo seems to sense the hostility, barking out another laugh in an attempt to break the tension. Drake doesn’t waver. “It was for the best, what I did. Dad never wanted me to be king anyway, we all know that.”

“Well, Liam sure didn’t.”

Leo appraises him for a moment, Drake crossing his arms as Leo’s steady gaze washes over him. Finally, he shrugs, taking another sip. “That’s life though, you know? You can’t always get what you want.”

Drake scoffs. “You’re such an asshole.”

“Hey, listen,” Leo taps his shoulder again. “Me and Katie… it only took a few weeks for me to know. That’s soulmate shit right there. When you fall in love someday, then you’ll understand.”

Drake’s hands ball into fists before he can even register what he’s doing, and then Leo’s hand has tightened on his shoulder, arm stiff against him as he pushes Drake back. “Hey, Jesus dude —”

“Why the fuck,” Drake says, voice low, knuckles white, “do you think I came back from college?”

Leo blinks, taking a step back from him, head tilted in confusion. “I asked you to?”

“In what fucking world do I ever do what you ask me to?”

Leo pauses, letting his arm drop back to his side. “Wait… you and Olivia? Is that what this is about?”

“No, what the —” Drake lets out an exasperated sigh. “Why does everyone always think that?”

“You just kinda remind me of each other,” Leo shrugs. “Never thought you’d admit it though. Congrats, I guess?”

“You’re such a goddamn idiot.” Drake shakes his head slowly, looking off to the side. “I didn’t drag myself back to this godforsaken place for Olivia, you moron.”

“Then —”

“It’s Liam,” Drake hisses. “It’s always been for him.”

Leo pauses, and the realization takes a few seconds to dawn on him, but when it does he raises his eyebrows, a soft chuckle breaking free before he covers his mouth with his hand. “Damn, Drake. My baby brother, huh? I mean I always knew you were close, but…” He shakes his head, eyebrows still raised. “Would not have pegged you for that type.”

“What does that mean?”

“Just,” Leo shrugs. “Nothing personal, man. I didn’t know, is all.”

“Of course you didn’t know,” Drake seethes, fingers curling in on each other again. “You never think about anyone but yourself. Did it ever even occur to you what you were asking him to give up? The life you took from him?”

Leo’s smile fades, his expression steeling into something reminiscent of royalty. “You don’t understand half as much as you think you do, Drake.”

“What is there to understand? You dropped the crown on your own brother just so you could fuck off with some girl you just met. You’ve been leaving Liam with your responsibilities for years because you know he’d never let anyone down. He’s twice the person you’ll ever be. If you’d ever given a shit how he feels, this would have been your coronation, just like it’s supposed to be.”

Leo twirls the wine in his glass. “Maybe you’re not wrong.”

“Oh, come on.” Drake clenches his fists tighter, jaw set in anger. “Now you want to act like you care? Do you have any idea how many times I’ve watched him pick up the pieces of your fucking mess? How many times I tried to hold him together when you seemed hell-bent on making sure he fell apart? He’d do anything for you, Leo. He thinks the world of you. And what a disappointment that is, knowing what a piece of shit you actually are.”

Leo just looks at him, devoid of any real emotion. “I won’t argue with you. I never deserved to be king.”

“Who cares about being king? You never deserved Liam.” Drake gives him one last disgusted look before turning around, heading back towards the ballroom. “Honestly, Leo? Go fuck yourself.”

He heads straight for the bar inside, ordering a double with no ice, leaning against the counter as he tries to relax his hands. God, he’d never wanted to punch someone so badly in his life. So much for getting some air.

He looks out at the crowd, already antsy, watching as the nobles move about in another traditional waltz. He spots Maxwell and Riley together, already laughing about something as he leads her into a spin, while Hana is caught up in what looks to be an incredibly uncomfortable dance with Rashad. God, he hates that guy. Poor Hana.

“I thought I’d find you here.”

The relief that floods through his veins at the sound of Liam’s voice is almost euphoric.

“Hey,” he says, looking up as Liam approaches, not even trying to conceal his smile.

Liam bumps his shoulder, leaning against the bar next to him. “Hey.”

“You were looking for me?”

“You didn’t come to the receiving line.” Liam’s eyes sweep over his face, taking him in. “I had something to tell you.”

“Never been patient enough for lines.” The bartender slides a glass across to Drake, and he takes a much-needed drink. “What is it?”

Liam leans in close, his breath warm against Drake’s skin, goosebumps rising on his arms as Liam whispers, “Meet me in the maze in fifteen minutes.”

Then he’s gone, as quickly as he came.

Drake breathes out slowly, fingers tightening around his whiskey before he throws back the rest of the drink, barely feeling the burn.

---

He gets to the maze early, wandering along the path for a few minutes as he makes his way to the center. Maybe once this place had been full of unknowns for him, but now he could follow each route by heart, mapping out his footsteps in memories.

He knows where Liam will meet him: the bench overlooking the pond where they used to spend hours together. The swans are still there, feathers glowing in the moonlight, and Drake watches them for a moment before he sits.

Part of him aches inside, being back in this place. Maybe he’s never really let the reality of this day set in; the knowledge that tomorrow morning Liam will be the most powerful person in the country feels not quite real. And the knowledge that he’ll be engaged is too painful to touch just yet.

He looks up when he hears footsteps approaching. It’s Liam, emerging around the corner tentatively, relaxing when he sees Drake on the bench. “You’re here.”

“Of course I am.”

Liam lingers against the hedge for a moment. “I worried… maybe you wouldn’t be.”

“Come on,” Drake cracks a smile. “I’m predictable.”

Liam edges away from the greenery, crossing over and sitting down at his side, careful to leave a respectful amount of space between them. Drake angles himself towards Liam, trying to memorize the way he looks in this moment, before he has to accept the inevitable.

“I just wanted to see you,” Liam says, looking down at his hands, folded neatly in his lap. “This day, it’s been… overwhelming would be an understatement.”

“I can imagine.”

“Remember when we used to spend the whole afternoon out here? Just the two of us? We had no idea. I wish I could have that back.”

“You said no wishing,” Drake reminds him, “It just makes things harder.”

Liam nods. “I know. I just… miss you.”

Drake takes a deep breath, turning back out towards the lake. Even though he can see the palace looming up in the distance, it feels too far away to be real. “Do you ever think about… about what could have been?”

“Always,” Liam answers. “Every single day. Every morning when I wake up, every night when I fall asleep. Do you really have to ask?”

“Liam,” Drake whispers.

“You’re not the only one in this.”

Now it’s Drake’s turn to look down at his hands, too scared of what he might do if he turns back towards Liam. “It’s Riley, isn’t it? She’s the one you’re going to pick?”

He pauses a moment before answering. “Yes.”

Drake nods slowly, letting the words sink in before he speaks again. “Do you love her?”

Liam looks at him, a different kind of pain in his eyes. “Why do you keep asking me to break your heart?”

“At least you’ll be doing something with it.”

Liam is quiet again, but his hesitation seems to be less about Riley and more about present company. It gives Drake a little comfort.

“In a sense,” He finally says. “I feel very close to her. I like talking with her, and I admire her a great deal. I think she would be a good queen.”

“Can I ask… I mean, are things real with her? Have you…” He trails off, not wanting to finish the question, not really wanting an answer.

Liam sighs, and it’s heavy with mixed emotions. “It depends on your definition of real. I mean, I haven’t… been with her, if that’s what you’re wondering. But… I’ve tried to make things real, I suppose. It’s just…” He sighs again, running a hand through his hair. “It’s nothing like you. Not even in the same realm of what it is with you. I could spend years trying to love her like that, but it would never come close to even the first seconds I knew I loved you.”

Drake looks up at him. “You’ve never told me about that.”

“When I knew?”

“Yeah.”

Liam pauses, thinking. “I... I suppose I first thought about the possibility of it when we went on that camping trip together, the summer before Year Ten? I couldn’t fall asleep for hours because I kept thinking about how close you were, what you might do if I touched your hand. I’d never been so nervous around someone before.”

Drake laughs. “I made you nervous? Me?”

“Yes,” Liam laughs too. “You drove me crazy for two years after that, always not-quite-flirting. I didn’t know what to do with myself.”

“I find this hard to believe.”

“Do you?”

“You’re the most capable, put-together person I know. I’m a fucking mess, and I made you crazy?”

“Maybe your mess is contagious.”

“That’s the only plausible explanation.”

Liam smiles. “I have no idea how I got the courage to kiss you. It must have been adrenaline; I’d been trying to do it for months.”

“For months? And then you waited two years to do it again?”

“We’ve talked about this. I... I liked it too much. I thought if I started kissing you again I would never stop.”

But you did, Drake thinks. You did.

“Okay, but when did you know for sure?”

“That I loved you?” This time Liam ponders for only a brief moment before answering. “The second I opened the door and saw you for the first time since you’d left for America.”

“Well, I guess Leo was good for one thing then.”

“He... has his moments.”

Drake bridges the space between them, resting his head on Liam’s shoulder. It’s tentative at first, but when Liam wraps his arm around his shoulders, Drake relaxes in against him.

“I think I’ve always loved you,” he says.

Liam leans his head against Drake’s, and Drake closes his eyes, willing time to stop for them right now, right in this moment.

“When I take the throne... we can’t do this anymore. This back and forth with us.” Liam’s voice is strained, the weight of his words too heavy. “I can’t keep leaving my heart with you when I need to be whole for the country. It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to them, it’s not fair to me.”

“Don’t say that yet,” Drake sighs, lifting his head and meeting Liam’s eyes. “Give us one more minute. That’s all I ask.”

Liam nods, gazing back at him, arm still tight around his shoulders. Drake reaches up to touch his face, brushing his fingers through his hair before running them down along his cheek.

“If I kissed you right now,” he asks, “What would you do?”

Liam just looks at him with sad eyes. “You know what I’d do. I’d kiss you back. I’d do anything you asked me to, Drake. Anything at all. I would step down from the throne if you said that’s what you wanted.”

“Liam…” Drake’s voice breaks. The way Liam is looking at him makes it hard to focus on breathing.

“I would,” Liam says softly. “If you had asked me… if you had ever truly asked me to abdicate for you, I would have done it. But I think part of the reason I love you so much is that I know you’d never ask.”

“Don’t make me reconsider,” Drake whispers, letting his hand fall. Liam presses a kiss into his hair, the closest he’s let them be since that night after Leo’s abdication, and Drake feels so warm it’s like his blood has turned to fire in his veins.

He sighs. “So where does that leave us, then? I mean…”

“You’re my best friend,” Liam says. “You’re the person I trust most in the world. But it can’t be more than that. I know I... I’ve never been good at saying no to you. And I know I’ve asked things of you that I shouldn’t have. But after today, I need you to be my friend. And that’s all.”

“I...” Drake feels his chest tighten at Liam’s words.

“So while we figure out what that looks like, it may be best that we... take a break from each other for a while.”

“How long?”

“As long as it takes,” Liam says, resigned. “Until we stop wishing.”

Drake can barely breathe, but even as the tears burn hot in his eyes, he knows Liam is right. This is the only way. This is what it’s always been coming to, ever since they knew he would become the King. He’d just thought… maybe it would get easier. Maybe it would be gentler.

“Will you say something?” Liam asks, and Drake can tell he’s crying too. “I hate myself right now.”

“You shouldn’t,” Drake manages, breathing in deep. “You’re a good person, Liam. The best person I’ve ever known. I hope… I hope Cordonia sees that in you. I hope Riley does too.”

Liam nods. “I love you. I always will.”

“I know,” Drake answers. “I love you too.”

It’s the last moment of the night that seems to make sense. Everything else passes in a blur — the King and Queen giving their speeches, Liam about to make his announcement, the buzz of insidious gossip ringing throughout the room, Riley’s face as she’s pulled towards the exit, the horror of Madeleine standing at Liam’s side.

Drake tries to run after Riley, the lesser of two evils as it were, but the King’s Guard removes her just as mysteriously as she came. And with that, fate is sealed in the worst possible way.

Maxwell calls every airline he can, pulling the noble card whenever possible, and somehow amidst the chaos of the evening, he manages to track her down. They’re huddled in Liam’s quarters like a war room, everyone stricken with confusion and grief and uncertainty.

When Maxwell finally leaves, promising to bring her back, it’s hours into the night. Hana heads out soon after, and the two of them are alone again, circumstances so impossibly shifted that it’s hard to remember the state of mind they’d both started the day with.

Liam is equal parts angry and terrified, pacing back and forth on the phone with all manner of people who might be able to help before finally giving up and sitting down on his bed, staring off into space.

“Do you want a drink?” Drake asks. “I can go grab something.”

“No,” Liam’s eyes are distant, empty. “I think I should just try to get some sleep. It’s late, and there’s so much to do in the morning…”

“Right.” Drake purses his lips. “Well… I’ll be down the hall if you need me.”

He moves towards the door, already reaching out towards the knob when Liam speaks.

“Wait.”

He looks back over his shoulder, and this time Liam’s eyes are locked on him. “Will you… can you stay? I just… I don’t want to…”

Pain flashes across Drake’s face. “I thought… you said we needed to take a break.”

“Tomorrow,” Liam says, desperation in his voice. “We can start tomorrow. Please… I can’t be alone tonight.”

And Drake is already crossing back, already falling right into old habits. “Yeah, Liam, of course. Anything.”

Liam sinks into the pillows and Drake lies down next to him, both on their backs, staring up at the ceiling. A minute passes before Liam reaches over and takes his hand, intertwining their fingers.

In the silence, Drake can hear his own heartbeat louder than anything. It brings to mind a distant memory of ocean waves, of sand in his hair, of Liam.

#driam #drake x liam #trr fanfic #playchoices fanfic #maxwell/mc #my fic #long post #SORRY I KNOW OK I KNOW

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glamourouslife99 · 6 years

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Mama Hen’s Wisdom For A New Year...

It’s a new year, chicks. It’s hard for me to believe that 20 years have passed us by since we WERE partying in the year 1999. I turned 21 that year, and thought I knew it ALL. Let me tell you, chitlin’s- I didn’t know shit. I found out roughly a year ago, a man I was involved with from around February of 1999 until May of 1999, respectively, passed away from cancer. There was a pain in my heart for a moment. Neil wasn’t a *bad* guy exactly, he was just a liar, and I was naïve and fell for it. He told me that he was in the process of getting a divorce, it just wasn’t final. That is WARNING SIGN NUMBER ONE ladies AND gentlemen. 9 out of 10 times, there’s NO divorce pending, and their spouses have NO idea there’s even a problem. He was a football coach at his local high school in another state. We talked every day while I was at work, and nightly on the computer. It just so happens, Mama Hen despite being young and naïve, was no fool. Things just didn’t seem right. Ya’ll trust me, when they don’t feel right- trust your gut. Most of the time, your gut IS right. Back in the late 90’s, emails were easy to hack. I was SICK when I hacked his. He was talking to ALL kinds of women, and there was NO divorce. Talk about a punch in the gut. I was devastated. I was so in love with him, and this man was nothing but a liar. Needless to say, my heart was broken, but I dumped him like a hot potato. Was Neil the ONLY bad decision I made that year? Nah. Not by a LONG shot, but that’s part of being young. You make mistakes. You learn. The problem was, I didn’t have anyone really to help me along. My mother was just a saint. She didn’t drink. She didn’t smoke. She was a virgin when she got married. She did NOTHING. She did EVERYTHING her mother told her to. EVERYTHING. In absolutely NO way could she relate to me. None. Being a teenager, and then young adult was harder than hell with no one to relate to, or help guide me, that’s why you have Mama Hen. Mama Hen is here to break it down to you. I’m going to share with you, what I wish someone would’ve shared with me. You get ONE BODY. Love it. It doesn’t matter what it looks like, how short it is, how tall it is, how thin it is, how fat it is, how much excess skin it has, how dark the skin is, how light the skin is, what color your hair is, or if you have any hair at all. This body is YOURS. No one else has to live in it but YOU. Take care of it the best you can, and advocate for it. Don’t let ANYONE SHAME IT. PERIOD. Anyone who does- fuck them. I once weighed 400lbs. After being diagnosed with PCOS, and getting a proper treatment, I began to lose weight slowly. To this day, I’ve kept off over 180lbs. Do I have excess skin? You bet. Is my body what would be considered beautiful by most? Nope. I’ve got zero fucks to give. I wear a bikini to the pool every summer with my daughter. I want her to see that no matter what, I support body positivity, and that if you want to wear a bikini, put one on. This body has gained 200lbs, and then lost close to it again. This body has carried and given birth to two children. This body has nursed two babies. This body right now is fighting to stay alive through so many chronic pain/illnesses that after living 40 years in this body, I’m going to wear what I want, and do what I want. Don’t let anything stop YOU. Don’t let weight. Don’t let ability. Don’t let what peers at school, work, or family say or think. Don’t let society put you in a box by what they feel YOU should look like. YOU should look like whatever YOU think you should look like. Newsflash, if they don’t like it, they don’t have to fucking look at it. Girlfriend and boyfriend, you have EVERY right to exist on YOUR own terms! Do it! Don’t let anyone stop you! We are sexual beings. Don’t ever let someone shame you for your sexuality or being sexual. DO. NOT. SLUT. SHAME. Do NOT shame those who are choosing NOT be sexually active either. If you’re a virgin in your late teens, in your 20’s, or even later, (for various reasons- be it religious convictions, you haven’t found the right person, or you are DESPERATELY horny! And would jump the first person who said yes!) Don’t be ashamed! Things happen right when they are supposed to. Never be ashamed. I cannot hammer home this point enough- PLEASE, PLEASE- ALWAYS USE SAFER SEX PRACTICES, and USE THEM CORRECTLY! Yes, there are actually right and wrong ways to use birth control/STD prevention methods and devices. Know your status and know the status of your partner. Your life is too important not to.

If you are an ally to a friend someone who is LBGTQ, make sure you put your money where your mouth is. By this, I mean stand up for your friends. Being a young person is hard enough, but our LBGTQ youth (and yes, I know I’m old calling the late teens early 20’s our youth), have struggles those of us who are cisgendered take for granted. It’s a lot more than just wearing a safety pin on our shirts, and protesting at rallies (although, being there with your friends, and protesting makes a difference- keep that shit up). Be there when they need a friend. When you see injustice, speak up, even if your voice shakes. I know not everyone is going to be as outspoken and loud as I am, and that’s ok. (Yes, I’m the as loud and outspoken offline as I am on, probably moreso.)

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life, and don’t let ANYONE else make you feel guilty, either. Life IS about experience. When you’re young, how many people really know what the fuck they wanna do with their life? When I was 21, I had an Insurance License to sell Property/Casualty Insurance, I’d already dropped out of beauty school (I did go back and graduate when I was 24), I’d been working for the cosmetic counter I’d dreamt of since I was a Freshman in high school for 3 years, bought the car of my dreams 2 years before, and you know what? I felt completely lost. Had NO idea what I wanted to do. I got married at age 24. Had my first child at age 30. My second at age 35. Was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, tested positive for Lupus/RA, and began having severe Acute Intermittent Porphyria Attacks at age 40. I’m not going to sugar coat anything. I’m dying. I’m 40 years old, and I’m dying. You know, there were a lot of things I *wanted* to do, but I never knew exactly what I wanted to *do* with my life. Time is short. Don’t let people guilt you into doing something you aren’t happy with and you don’t want to do.

That leads me to my next point to hammer home. Don’t put up with abuse- ANY KIND OF ABUSE. Physical, mental, sexual, verbal, or emotional. You are a human being. You have worth. You do NOT deserve to be abused. I don’t care what happened in the past. I don’t care what you’ve done. You do NOT deserve to be hit- you never did. You do NOT deserve to be used sexually/raped/molested- you never did. You do not deserve to be manipulated into doing what someone says for their happiness if it makes you miserable- not now, not ever. You do not deserve to live on eggshells for fear of making someone mad/fearing their anger, or the living hell of the verbal/emotional abuse you’ll take for doing something wrong in their eyes. You don’t deserve that now, you never did. HEAR ME NOW. YOU DO NOT DESERVE ABUSE beautiful young people (and old alike). You do NOT DESERVE ABUSE. Please know your worth. Please know you are loved.

Be kind, but take no shit. I’m from the south. Those of you who are reading this and are from the Southern, US know what I’m talking about. We like our manners down here. We like to say, “Please”, and “Thank you”, “Yes ma’am”, “No ma’am”- you get the picture. We try to be kind to people. We’re the kind of people who will greet you with a smile and try to be helpful and friendly. I like people. I’m a social person by nature, and I do what I can to be a good friend. I’ve said this on more than one occasion, I’m not for everyone, and that’s ok, too. It doesn’t ruffle Mama Hen’s feathers. If we don’t jive, I wish ya well in life, I do. The thing is, I’m not gonna take your shit. I’m the nicest person you’ll ever meet, but never mistake my kindness for weakness. I’ll call you out every time. I don’t take shit. I’m not going to let anyone walk all over me. I didn’t do it at work. I don’t do it at home. I could make a “Sam I am” outta this. You see where I’m going with this. Don’t let people walk all over you. Be kind. Be a friend as best you can, but don’t take shit. Nip it in the bud. The quicker you stop it, the less drama you have to deal with. No one has time for drama. The older you get, the less time and tolerance you’ll have for drama.

Take care of your health. When you’re young, it’s not something you think about. Trust me, I NEVER thought about it. It never crossed my mind at 21. At 21, I never thought I’d be looking at 41, wondering how much time I had left. I never thought at 41, I would’ve already buried 10 of my friends and family members, all under the age of 45 before I turned 41. I thought we’d live forever. I never thought I’d get sick. Go for your yearly physical. Take a multivitamin. Drink your water. Little things can make a big difference.

Practice what you preach. Whatever you are, be a good one. If you’re a out there fighting for change, make it happen the best way you can. If you’re wanting peace, what are you doing to make it happen? If you’re a Christian (and yes, I am), are you taking that “Love One Another Thing” seriously? Remember, it came with no exclusions, that means the people fleeing over the border, our LBGTQ brothers and sisters, the homeless, the hungry, and that person you don’t like in the cubical next to you.

No one is useless. You might feel like you are useless, as if you have no purpose in this world. This is simply not true. If you’re breathing, you’ve got a purpose. So what if you’re not a Harvard Scholar? If you are, that is terrific! I salute you, and I’m proud of you! If you aren’t, that is terrific, and I’m proud of YOU, too! We all have gifts in this world, and we all have something to offer. You may have the gift of simply listening when a friend needs someone to talk to. You may be a gifted artist, who can sketch/draw/paint/craft/sculpt/MORE! You may be a creative person who has a gift for putting words to paper, so to speak, by writing short stories, fan fiction, novels/novellas, scripts- the possibilities are endless! You may be an empathetic person who has the gift of compassion, you may be someone who isn’t able to leave your home, but can offer gifts by support in groups. These are just a few of the MANY, MANY things in this great world, that connect us all. How many people here, on Tumblr have reached out to someone needing help, or found a common interest that has connected them? No one is useless. You have worth. Never let anyone diminish your light. If someone fails to see it, don’t let it extinguish the light inside of YOU.

Take time to take care of your mental health, it’s important. Not everyone has mental health issues, but it’s important to take time for your mental health for self-care to keep yourself in a good place. Take time regularly to do something that makes you happy, and makes you feel alive. Staying in a good frame of mind, and happy is something that is so important. It doesn’t have to be grand, it doesn’t have to be expensive. It can be something as simple as having a friend come over and watch tv, or going for a walk in the park, going to the club on Friday night, or even staying in for a quiet night and taking a bubble bath- whatever YOUR idea of a good time is, do it.

For those who are living with mental health issues- don’t EVER, and I mean EVER let ANYONE tell you, “It’s All In Your Head”, or shame you for your conditions. Don’t EVER let ANYONE shame you for taking your medications. Hold your head up high, and look them RIGHT in the eye and ask them, “Would you tell an insulin dependent diabetic, “You don’t need that insulin, you can (fill in the blank here IE: pray away, positive think away, new diet away, essential oil away, excuse of the day) that diabetes! Of course not! Why would you think that I don’t need my medication for (your mental illness)” They shouldn’t have a rebuttal. Because it’s ridiculous. I live with several mental illnesses. My mother was NOT understanding. At all. She refused to believe I had Borderline Personality Disorder. She acknowledged I had PTSD, but that was just about it. She treated me horrible. I mean horrible. I’m not going to get into all of that right now- but I refused to take it. I put myself, my health, and my family first. I had to. I took my medication as prescribed. I went to therapy regularly. I use my coping skills and do the best I can. I’m sure as hell not perfect, that’s for sure. Don’t let anyone make you think it’s all in your head, or however you need to heal isn’t ok. Do what YOU need to do, to be ok. Surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive. They are your tribe.

Don’t be in a rush to get married. Just because your friends are all getting married and having babies, don’t feel like YOU have to, too! Yeah, I know “Say yes to the dress!” is AWESOME! I LOVE me some Lori and Monte, too! My best friend Heather and I had been planning out our respective weddings since we were 8, the grooms constantly changed, but one thing was certain- we wanted BIG. SOUTHERN. WEDDINGS! I wanted to get married more than ANYTHING and wear a beautiful gown, and carry a gorgeous bouquet, and all that stuff! Ya’ll, don’t be in ANY hurry. Please, do NOT get me wrong, I love my husband. We just celebrated our 16th anniversary on December 31st. It’s been a rough road, anything BUT a fairy tale, that’s for damn sure. We’ve had our ups and downs and taken us a LONG time to get it right. I’m thankful to have my husband, I truly am. I’m sad that right now I’m at a point in my life where I spend most of my days in bed, or going from doctor to doctor, in and out of the hospital. When you get married, you sign up for that better or worse, in sickness and in health thing, and trust me, I’ve been through a LOT of that better or worse, and right now, we’re going through the in sickness and in health thing. You go through a LOT when you’re married. Not all marriages are like mine by any means. Some are SO much better, some are SO much worse, some are right in the middle. If it weren’t for me being so sick, we’d be in such a great place. We’d be broke as hell, but in a great place, none the less. The older you get, the more you realize money is nice. You need it pay the bills, eat, all that jazz, but you don’t need the material things half as much as you do the people you love. Focus on loving you, FIRST. THEN, worry about getting married. I promise you, you can STILL have that kick ass GORGEOUS wedding at age 30, OR 40. And God forbid you’re worried about your dress, buy it now and put it back. I’m not one who is ever opposed to planning ahead.

Alright, Mama Hen’s hip is hurting, so I’m gonna have to get my old ass up and walk. I love ya’ll. I wanted to share some of my words of wisdom for the New Year with my chicks. My inbox is open, but it might take me a few days here and there to reply. My health isn’t the greatest, so depending upon the day I may or may not be on. I hope at least you gained some of the insight that I wished someone had given me 20 years ago.

Love,

--Mama Hen

#Mama Hen #Words of Wisdom #1999 #Advice

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years

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Survey #176

rape tw

Do you like to have croutons in your salad? Noooonononono. It's a texture thing. Which do you find more irritating - sunburn or bug bites? Sunburn. How many friends do you have on Facebook? Like... 116? How many contacts do you have in your phone? 16. Do you carry any means of protection on you while out in public? No, but I wanna get pepper spray. Would you ever pick up a hitchhiker? No, I'm too paranoid of strangers. Do you know anyone who does cocaine? Not to my knowledge. What is something that most people wouldn’t know about you from simply looking at you? I used to be a super in-shape 117 lb. queen that even then felt slightly fat. :') What’s a quality that your sister has that you absolutely can’t stand? One has a serious temper, the other's... well I dunno. I don't see my older sis enough. Have you ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette party? No. Something you would NEVER buy? Uhhh the first thing that came to my head are snakes that aren't directly from breeders. Both snakes I bought from PetSmart were sick, so. No thanks. Could you wait until marriage for sex? Yeah. Have you ever dated a smoker? If not, would you? No, deal breaker for me. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yes, Nicole. Do you think your first love still loves you? No, but the feeling's mutual so np. Are you a money saver or spender? I've never had a consistent source of income, but when I do get some from gifts or photography, I've actually proven to be great at saving it for whatever my target is. Hopefully I stay that way when I do have a job. Has a member of the opposite sex ever seen you naked? Yes. Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser? Yup. If you have any piercings, who did them? Claire's did my earlobes, then various people from Garry's Skin Grafix and mostly New Addiction did my piercings. Have you ever cried while watching a movie trailer? No. Have you ever been pulled over, but just let off with a warning? Never been pulled. Have you ever taken shots? (of alcohol) Noooo, been offered to take part I think twice, but it's not something I think I ever want to do considering I loathe the taste of alcohol, hence why I only ever drink fruity things with tiny amounts of alcohol. Do you like mash-up songs? Occasionally, I guess? None even come to mind. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? No, because I have a plethora of my own and don't want to put a child under the supervision of someone with conditions like mine; as well, I'm sorry, but I need to take care of myself. Took me damn long enough to get here, and I'm not going back to how horrible my life was before out of stress and having to handle a child with a severe mental illness. And oh, did I mention the main reason is because I don't in any capacity want kids? Have you ever pole danced before? No. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yeah. Do you listen to classical music? Not intentionally. Do you tell your parents who you like? Why or why not? No. I'll admit I like someone if they ask, but otherwise I just don't see it necessary to walk up to your guardian and just randomly inform them that you have a crush. Are you due for a haircut? Getting there, maybe almost two months from now. Are you dealing with any health-related problems right now? My OCD's been exceptionally bad lately. Do your parents like the music you listen to? Both like certain artists that I do - a lot, really. I do know I also like heavier stuff than them, though. Do your parents approve of your beliefs? Not all. Who’s the most annoying person in your neighborhood? Don't live in one. Name one of your psycho exes? None. I was honestly the psycho ex. I was very rightfully broken, but I shouldn't have done many things I did. Why were they a psycho ex? ^ I wouldn't leave him the hell alone and would pester him on Facebook too much even when I was ignored and, most regrettably, make just enough time to blame him for my ER visits before leaving until he finally blocked me. I sincerely don't blame him if he does consider me "the psycho ex." What’s the best revenge you ever got on someone? I don't care in the slightest about revenge to even think up a situation where I got any. I've never deliberately fished for it. What screen name did you use in 6th grade? FlowerOurQueen ew. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? ih crihmus What’s the last movie you saw? Halloween. Who was the last person to call you? This fucking car insurance agency that calls like every goddamn day. I've answered a couple times thinking that it could be VR and promptly hung up upon finding it wasn't. By now, I recognize the three digits after the area code to just ignore them. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? VR. Where is your least favorite place to be? Hospitals. Where is your favorite place to be? Sara's house. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman? lol no, grow up, 0-19-y/o me denying your own sexuality in fear of a "loving" god sending you to Hell. :^) Would you like to learn to play the drums? Nah. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? Types of people. Name one thing you worry about running out of. Motivation to live, again. Do you post to say happy birthday on other people’s walls? Sometimes. Always with close friends. Have there ever been floods where you live? Oh yeah. Do you listen to K-Pop? No. When was the last time you saw a rainbow? Ummm idr, but not very long ago. Sunshower. What’s your favorite television commercial? I don't watch TV anymore, so I don't know any current ones. But it will probably /always/ be the sexy Mr. Clean one because memories fuck me up. Have you ever tried writing a song? Yes. For one of the Nintendogs tracks. I even moved their heads around to the tune of the song. kms What is your favorite type of juice? Peach/mango. Whose birthday did you last celebrate? My nephew's. When you were a kid, did you have a treehouse? No. We didn't have trees built for that, just very tall pine trees. What was the best school year in your opinion? 7th grade; ironically, the year my depression began to seriously manifest. Do you know (of) anyone who has committed suicide? Sadly. When was the last time you flew on a plane? This past October. Take me back. Do you eat meat every day? No. Who taught you how to ride a bike? Dad. Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? No. How do you cook your rice? Steam, boil, other? I don't cook. Do you like your country’s president or prime minister? Nope. Some of his policies I side with, but his personality absolutely destroys him for me. Do you wear skirts? No. I absolutely hate my legs. What color is your house? Like this khaki sorta color. How many first cousins do you have? I have zero clue. I don't even think I've met some first ones. Off the very top of my head, I know there's at least... nine? Have you ever seen a pop star in concert? No. Do you listen to Christmas music during the holiday season? No, not a fan of most. It doesn't put me in the "Christmas spirit" anyway. Where would you like to vacation to? The Bahamas baby, Sweden, Japan... What time do you set your alarm to? I don't use mine. Nothing to use it for. Do you like ginger ale? No, unless my stomach is upset. What time does the sun set at the time of year where you live? Like 5, and I hate it. Have you ever been skiing? No. When was the last time you moved house? Feb. of last year. What did you last feel nervous about? How in god's name am I blanking here??????????? Over something incredibly trivial, I'm sure. Do you find yourself saying mean things to people over the internet that you wouldn’t say in real life? No. Who is the last person to text you? Sara. Does the person you like know it? HAHA she's got a pretty good idea. Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst? Jason or Girt. Girt came to the hospital after hearing about my OD, so my mental state was obviously shit, but Jason saw me in more obvious, externally-expressed emotional breakdowns. Did you have a nap today? Yes. I've been waking up much too early lately. What was the last movie you saw that you really liked? Really liked? Probs Jumanji. Do your best friends live near you? Ha, no. Do you have any stuffed animals saved from when you were a child? A LOT. When is the next time you are traveling outside of the state, province, or country? Where to? I'm sure sometime next year to Sara's. What are your living arrangements currently? Are you happy with them? I live with just my mom and pets. It's fine, though I wish I was emotionally prepared to move out. Hell, and obviously financially. Have you ever had feelings for someone your best friend was dating? N- oh yeah yes, in the Jenna situation. Though I don't truly recall what *kind* of feelings exactly I had. Is there anything written on the shirt you’re wearing? No, surprisingly. How was your first kiss? Super cute. Do you still talk to the person you shared it with? No. Are you the oldest of your siblings? No. Have you ever dated someone who had kids? No; that's a deal-breaker for me. I am not being a mother figure to any child, especially when it's not my own. Have you kissed someone 4 or more years older than you? No. Were your parents married when you were born? Yeah. Does the last person you kissed have tattoos? No. Do you live within 20 miles of where you were born? Yeah. What is your opinions on Valentine's Day? Cheesetastic, is it not? No no no no no I LOVE it!!!! I can't stand that "ugh every day you should appreciate love" shit 'cuz like, why not have a day specifically wrapped around it? Is it hurting anyone in any way shape or form?? What is the last thing you wrote? (typing is not writing, btw) My signature, probably? Do you have an outfit that you consider your "seduction outfit"? lul no. What is the last fruit you have eaten? Uhhh good question. I'm only just back on solids. What was the last injection you received? Was it sore? At the dentist when I had to get a cavity filled. They had to give me no less than 6-7 shots in the same spot to numb me properly, so yeah, it was sore. Have you ever been badly bitten by an animal? No. Favorite sandwich? I'll never turn down a ham, cheese, and mustard one. What characteristics do you despise? Arrogance, manipulative, lack of compassion, anger, two-faced, entirely insensitive, rudeness, raunchiness, the inability to accept one is sometimes wrong and that that's okay, BEING A DRAMA NEST HINT HINT, and I could go on... Where would you retire to? The mountains. What was your most memorable birthday? My 21st. Supposed to be your greatest celebration, yet I was in the mental hospital. It still means the goddamn world to me how my peers and employees tried to make it special. What did you want to be when you were little? First an archaeologist, then a vet. I think I only changed my mind upon realizing the original would've been extremely difficult. Have your parents ever forgotten your birthday? No. Would you rather have some bacon or beef jerky? Bacon. I'm actually not a big fan of the latter, it's too dry and tough. Did the Spanish classes have an “El Dia de Los Muertos” (Day of the Dead) fiesta at school? I don't know, I didn't take Spanish. What’s the most number of comments you have on a Facebook picture? What is the picture of? I have zero clue. Do you like coconut flavored things? nooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I really don't like coconuts. Have you ever met a famous author before? No. Do you know anybody who has been raped before? I don't believe so? I know many who've been violated or molested, but I don't believe I know a rape victim. How often do you get a fever? Like never. What makes you lose your appetite? Unappetizing scenes or smells and feeling/being sick. Are there any childhood habits you are grateful for or regret? I was taught good manners, for one. I wish chores had been more enforced upon all of us. At what age did you start to wear makeup? Did your mom object at first? I think 9th grade was when I "officially" started? It was freshman year and I had that "it's a new start and you're (this old) now, at least try to look pretty for once" mentality with how my self esteem was on the decline. I did it every day for a long time, until one day I didn't put on anything because I was tired of it and my art classmates (I was close to them) literally asked if I was okay lmao. From then on out, it was sporadic; eyeliner, shadow, and mascara some days, other days, nothing. But anyway no, Mom didn't have a problem. I think I recall her worrying about how it was all black, but she in no way objected. Would you consider yourself an adventurous person? This reeaally depends on the situation. I can't say which I lean more towards... maybe no? Have you ever snuggled with someone you weren’t dating? No. Have you ever been afraid of being underwater? No. Have you ever been drunk at work? No. What band/group have the most lyrics that represent you? I dunno. One thing you really want to learn? Digital art. What is your favorite piece of art you own? I don't own any other than my own work. The most expensive bill I paid last month was ____? N/A What’s the one thing you apologized for this month? @ the Silent Hill wiki, I wasn't understanding why a certain member was giving particular information that appeared irrelevant to me, but he got me to understand. I am extreeemely nit-picky over there, having been active there since '12, and now being a staff member, I'm even more specific. What is the largest TV screen in your house? We only have one, in the living room, but it's been the biggest. What has challenged your morals? Wondering if I was bi in middle school, frustration when I was trying to be abstinent in a serious relationship, pirating (which I still know is wrong asjfawouow), mutually being a flirt with my then-best friend's boyfriend, considering abortion at a much more open-minded angle, the justification of eating meat, my experience in life in relation to religion... Those are the ones that stand out. Who was the last female you hung out with? Mom. Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? No. Do you want to get married? Yes. Does the thought of moving out from home scare you? A bit. Would you rather live in a mansion or a small cozy home? The latter. I'm not paying for superfluous space and spending a gross amount of unnecessary time cleaning. Would you ever try being a vegetarian? I did, but stopped for a few reasons. Do you have any tattoos at the moment? Yeah and NOWHERE NEAR DONE. What about piercings? ^ Do you keep your eyebrows more thick or thin? Natural. What color is your bedroom door? White. Do your shoulder blades protrude? No, give them back to me. Have you ever been to a rave? No. How many bananas have you ever eaten in a row? Two? Do you think you’re the best thing that’s happened to someone? No. Can you make a clover shape with your tongue? No. Do you have a protective father? No. What’s the biggest misconception about you, personally? Uhhh probably that I don't try hard enough, specifically with work, adulthood, socializing, etc. when I'm sincerely doing my best. Are you disrespectful to a lot of people? No. Does your cell phone have a case on it? What color? No. What was the last song you had on repeat? "Family" by Mother Mother. Your most recent ex says he/she hates you, you say? That'd hurt like hell; he's like a bro to me and is the last close friend I have here. I don't know what I'd say. If someone you wanted before came back now, would you take them? Nope. Have you ever had to choose between two people? Sara and Girt. Jason and Juan. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as? Good question. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling? Cheese, mustard, ketcup, pickles, a little bit of minced onion. Idk which I prefer. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other? Economics. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test? N/A What is your highest level of education? Some college. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid? Idr. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic? Traffic. I'm afraid of elevators. The last thing you remember dreaming about: Everyone I loved left me, so I tried to suffocate myself. Why do I only recall nightmares, ugh. The last place you went: The parlor to get a new bar for my tongue ring. The last alcoholic drink you consumed: A margarita. The last time you felt insulted/offended: I'm unsure. But I feel it was recently? The last time you kissed someone: October 17th weeps. The last time you held a baby: Months ago when Colleen needed me to hold Keegan. The last time you gave up on or quit something: Vegetarianism. The last video game you played: I finally got a new disc of Shadow of the Colossus!!!!! :'D I'm replaying it and doing both Time Attack modes to get Agro's white coat. The last television show you watched: Fullmetal Alchemist w/ Sara. Are you afraid of shots? No, I just anticipate it being unpleasant. How many times have you donated blood? Once. Would you date someone 15 years older than you? No. What’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had? An awful stomach virus. I wouldn't stop vomiting. What was the last classic novel you read? Did you enjoy it? I couldn't tell ya. Something in high school. Do you think Gatorade tastes refreshing or just gross? I hate it. What’s the scariest video game you’ve ever played? I personally think Outlast is overall the scariest game made thus far, but one I can't play because of the intense jumpscares is SCP Containment Breach. What about your life concerns you the most? Future financial position. If you were a different gender, what name would you want to have? Ummm Severin. What product or service do you find ridiculously overpriced? Certain clothing and makeup brands, like half the shit doesn't even look that great. How many people, outside of your immediate family, do you know the birthdays of by heart? At least six. Would you rather take a walk in the cold rain, or in the blistering heat? Definitely the former. If you had the chance to slip through a portal, despite being aware of any of effects and/or consequences, would you do it? No. Do you trust your gut instinct? I try to, but don't always. Which parent was more strict when you were growing up? Mom. What are some things that initially attract you to the preferred sex? CHARISMA, kindness, concern for others, a love of animals, and being a gamer oops. What is the saddest thing that has happened to you? What about the happiest? The breakup and eventual suicide attempt are definitely the saddest. The happiest, easily the last day of Holly Hill when everyone was telling me goodbye and I felt like I was ready to really live again. When was the last time someone scared you? Sara had me worried something was wrong involving me, but it wasn't. Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Silent Hill 3 is so fucking weird but also one of the best horror games ever. Name something that you saw within the past week that made you smile: Probably Teddy being cute. Name something within the past week that made you frown: I don't think I have physically frowned this week. Name somebody you know who deserves a better life than they have: My mom. Name something that you hope is different by this time next year: My social anxiety has improved. Name something that you’re good at but don’t like: Um I have no clue. Name something that you’re bad at but DO like: Drawing anthro characters. Name something that you strongly believe in: Gay rights. Do you like pudding? Chocolate pudding. Do you tend to use a lot of big words? No, it's unnecessary. Just talk so people can understand you and not wonder what five words you said mean. Do you fall for guys/girls easily? NOPE. When someone copies you, are you more flattered or annoyed? Annoyed. Which is worse: Stale chips or flat soda? Stale chips. Flat soda doesn't bother me very much. What’s one show that you wish was still on the air? Deadman Wonderland. Have you ever used a port-a-potty? Omg yeah I know I have at sports practice or games as a kid. I absolutely never would again. What was the last stinky thing you smelled? Teddy's pee; he wet his diaper, and we know he has some kind of infection with how rancid it is sometimes, but we don't even bother anymore because it's recurring. What’s your favorite outdoor activity? Photographing nature.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #tw rape

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gomustanggirl16 · 6 years

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Disappointments

So, I know I should spout something about how life is an adventure and everything will turn out, but I really, really don’t feel like it. Because I can’t guarantee that. No one can, and if you say “that’s not true.” than clearly you’ve never heard the stories I have or known some people. Trust me, there are some, who’s life adventures don’t turn out and they end up going completely insane. And for those who think “no, it’s good. It’s a bitch but it’s good.” than chances are you’re doing it wrong, because it cannot be both a bitch and good. You can have good things around you, light times sure, but if it’s not enough to overshadow the bitch of it all then it’s not good enough. I also know people who go through life thinking everything around them is a sign from God and have been bitch slapped more times than I can count, but use God as an excuse to make it better. I believe in him, I do, but I also know he gave us our own free will and to attempt to throw things at us would kind of ruin his whole purpose. At least to me. I also don’t blame Satan either, because he knows we have our own ways of messing everything up ourselves, because we are people. Eve didn’t have to do what Satan said, she didn’t have to do what God said either (would life have been better yeah probably), but we’d also be kind of brainwashed so...it’s a toss up.

I guess what I’m trying to get at, is that blaming something or trying to make it something it’s not is really fucking pointless. For those who don’t believe in God or religion, you probably already have a semi-idea of what I mean. Or maybe you don’t I don’t know. What I do know is this: disappointments are everywhere. They come with life, they are the only thing that are actually guaranteed. A lot of times they are also called consequences, but no matter what it’s all bad. People will always let you down, not everyone, but everyone has someone they let down at some point in there life and maybe it was only temporary, but for many it wasn’t. But you know, we hear a lot about people disappointing us, but lets face it, it’s really ourselves we disappoint the most. Hence why it’s a guarantee in life. I wish it were different but it’s not. We dream, we set goals, and we disappoint.

All I wanted was to get my medical coding certification. I changed majors three times. Well two technically, but medical coding was the only constant throughout it all and halfway through last semester I said to myself “what the fuck are you doing? You hate people, so why are you going into a major that requires you to tolerate them?” Basically I put my head back on straight, but then the emails from my schools financial aid kept coming, asking for verification. My mother told me, that they have a right to randomly select people for this and I said okay because she told me she had it handled. That was back in August after they okay-ed my payment plan. Then they didn’t pay. Anything. None of it like they said they would because they needed verification, despite the fact we kept sending them the same documents over and over and over again. The semester ended and suddenly I had racked up $4000 US dollars in dues.

They eventually asked for different documents and we had hoped it was moving forward and I went to register for the last two courses I needed to get my certification and they wouldn’t let me because of what I owe. My brother was having the same stupid problem, except his got it fixed with one verification email and boom he registered (I go to a community college, he goes to University that costs almost $43,000 a year so you think there process would be more difficult but different financial aid companies). Then Christmas and New Years passed and I got fed up about two weeks ago when I saw that one of the classes only had three seats left. One time slot too, while the other class had two time slots and twenty seats between the two left. But these two classes are only offered in the spring, if I missed them, I would have to wait a whole year. I’d have to buy new books again, and I spent almost $1300 on them last semester because for some reason they put up the books we’d need for the next three classes so I got them a semester early, I wasn’t pissed then because they were so damn hard to get I wouldn’t have to worry, well now...now I have books I don’t need because as of last night the last three seats went. I called the school Friday because earlier in the week I got an email asking for one more thing then one saying they didn’t need more and then Friday morning I woke up to a fucking email saying I was selected again for verification! Well the school office was closed but the actual financial aid company wasn’t and the lady informed me they got my papers and that she had no idea why the school sent me the email, but they didn’t need anything more and to just wait. Also no, they wouldn’t let me pay any of the money I owed myself, but granted I also wouldn’t be in this mess if I had four grand.

So I waited, and then last night I got this nagging feeling to check the list and I did, and the seats were gone. Two classes. That’s all I needed and now...now I don’t know what to do. I know they won’t reimburse me for the books, I called my father to ask him to go yell at some people with me, because he’s fucking scary when he yells and I cry when I do. I have now wasted upwards of six thousand dollars on this and have nothing to show for it. I don’t have any money to transfer and classes have already begun in most other schools. I loved the teachers, it was a great environment but now I gotta call this sweet little old lady in my class and tell her goodbye because I won’t be seeing her ever again because she can get her certification at 85 fucking years old, but because I depend on people I can’t. It’s not like the school gave out the test anyways I’d have to go elsewhere for it, but still I needed those classes I can’t take the exam because I haven’t started the last two books. I already took a year off because of health and I thought this was my chance, I spent everything I saved up for a trip to Paris, on school and now all I can think is “you should have gone to Paris, it wouldn’t have put you through so much stress.” And now my passports about to expire to so, missed that chance. And yes, I’m aware you can renew it, but I don’t have a fucking job right now, or $150 to be spending on getting it renewed. As is I needed a new battery for my car Monday (God Monday fucking sucked!) and had to borrow $800 from my grandmother because they found a shit ton of broken things.

So...I can blame financial aid, I want to, but one of the non medical reasons I didn’t go back was because they were giving me an issue about some document they needed to renew it back then. I should have known better, I really should have. I could also blame my parents who got divorced in August and half the shit the financial aid people needed was to verify they were indeed living separate lives, and while the lady assured me it was a random process, lets face it, it wasn’t. But I’m not going to blame them either, because life with those two married was a shit fest I never want to go through again. I’m glad it ended, though now I gotta buy my mom a divorce cake because I fucking promised her a divorce cake and still haven’t gotten her one so now not only does she hold John Bon Jovi over my head she now also holds this to.

But really, I blame me. I went to college right out of high school because I wasn’t going to be that kid they warned us about. You know the bum who doesn’t go, and does drugs and gets pregnant without a husband. You know, a baptists worst nightmare. I thought I needed a major because certifications weren’t enough. I put myself through hell because I thought a stupid certification would look meaningless to an employer without a degree and you wanna know something? They’re both stupid pieces of paper we all end up shoving in a box unless we’re CEO’s or physicists who think they’re god. You don’t bring the damn thing to an interview they don’t ask to see it. They call the school and ask for someones word. Its the truth, is it not?

Instead of listening to my heart, I listened to everyone else around me, and not the ones I should have. I also should have listened to my mother when she told me to go to the school she went to and god I really wish I had. So now, I can’t get my certification and I can’t go to Paris and I can’t get a real job because the assholes who look expect coding to be a degree and also that I have the certification. It’s one thing to say I’m working towards it’s another to say, “well I was and now I can’t until I fix some things.” So I’m stuck at the shit hole I work at now.

And it’s all because I didn’t want to be a disappointment.

You know, being a disappointment to others is one thing. People have different standards that just aren’t you, and then the people you wish death on because they abuse their kids. But there’s nothing worse than disappointing yourself. You are who you are, you know who you are, whether you know it yet or not, so you’d think we’d know to listen to the right people, listen to ourselves, but somehow we keep thinking others opinions matter more. It’s sad really, but it’s the truth. We run away and do what we can only to turn ourselves into the thing we fear most.

So I ask you, are you really doing what you’re doing because it’s what you want, it’s what you know is best for you, it’s the right thing for your health, your mind, life? Or are you doing it because the fear of being a disappointment is controlling your life?

This was the only thing I wanted, but because I felt like I had something to prove I ended up loosing everything. Sure, it’s not gone forever, but it sure would have been nice to have a desk, and have my mini-Cap Pop key chain in my space, a steady flow of work and cash and health insurance not connected to my mother. And my book! My ICD-10-CM code book oh! It’s so pretty! I have it all tabbed accordingly and noted and if this takes me longer than six months to fix I’ll have to buy the updated version with having barely used the one I had and it’ll have all been a waste. On the upside according to one interviewer I have enough qualifications to answer phones and explain the billing process to patients.

#mg rambles #learn from my mistakes please #I beg you listen to me

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letsimportanttreecollection-blog · 6 years

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Considering leaving Allstate Auto insurance, anyone have a suggestion?

"Considering leaving Allstate Auto insurance, anyone have a suggestion?

It seems that Allstate is a bit expensive, of course I know it's based on what type of car and such. I wanted to know if anyone has better experience with perhaps State Farm, Progressive, etc...?

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://howmuchisinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr