#any other former jane the virgin fans who are....confused?

[goldlightsaber]

i'll be real, the justin baldoni thing is still such a shock to me and not for the reasons you'd expect. i know people don't really know who he is outside of ISWU/this drama, but i knew him from yearssss ago from jane the virgin and remember looking at his socials and seeing him talking about undoing toxic masculinity and stuff and i literally always thought, wow, he's this extremely conventionally attractive man with a successful (?) career, and he's a settled-down family guy who frankly doesn't have to be, and he's really making the effort to undo his own internalized misogyny and be a healthy person who embraces his emotions. good on him, i really wish more men were like that (!!!!!).

so frankly i'm kind of still...gobsmacked, because unlike a lot of people, i had a pre-existing bias in favor of him, specifically for being the kind of person who would definitely not act this way. like, truly the last person i would suspect. it was easy to believe that he was the good guy and blake lively sucked because...i previously knew justin baldoni as someone who did not suck and appeared to be making efforts to not suck, but specifically to not suck as a man in a man's world. the whole "he cares about the deeper message about domestic violence in the movie" was not hard to believe if you knew his previous track record. it didn't feel like something manufactured as part of the plot to take down blake lively.

so, insanity. the implications are....astounding. it's giving "chris d'elia family guy image" except with d'elia, that online image was curated intentionally in response to being cancelled. justin baldoni had this image before all this. i can't really wrap my head around the whys of that. and the hows. truly wild.

[abbydraper]

Who Will Pop Colton’s Cherry?

The Bachelor bio’s have been published and I couldn’t help myself. Sadly, the bio’s are not what they once were (a rambling of responses to at least 8 of the questions asked during the audition process) and I’ve been forced to make judgements based on one or two terrible sentences. I have stayed true to only going off of what ABC gives me and haven’t stalked these women on IG yet but, alas -- here is this season’s Bachelor bio breakdown.  

ALEX B.

it is really hard to decide what feature on her face is the most shockingly large so I’m not sure what her bio even says. Tough start. 

ALEX D. 

A female Boston sports fan that talks fast is my actual worst nightmare. It also says she’s a “sloth” and that must be a new term for 23-year-olds because it doesn’t make sense. 

ANGELIQUE

If Angelique is 28, I’m Kendall Jenner.

ANNIE

Annie is going to have a thick southern accent and I don’t know which is more difficult to listen to -- a thick southern accent or a fast paced Boston accent. 

BRI

Bri is a “model from SoCal”, so what her bio actually means is: Her Instagram feed contains countless pictures of her probably in a bikini, pouting; she “hikes” Runyon for the perfect photo to filter and she expects to be taken to Big Bear. Aspen for the holidays. But, she’s totally down to earth because she admits she farts. 

CAELYNN

Why is her name spelled this way? A former beauty queen who they claim isn’t your typical beauty queen because she flew to Japan for a first date. Not sure having a sugar daddy makes you any different than other beauty queens, but what do I know? 

CAITLIN

There are a lot of women from Canada this season. Her bio is as boring as that observation.  

CASSIE

She’s blonde, lives at the beach and surfs. Such a rare find, I’d be wiling to bet she posts motivational quotes to the Internet on the reg. 

CATHERINE

When I first saw her photo, I thought, “What in the actual fuck?” and then I read she’s from Florida and it all made sense. Real estate agent by day, aspiring DJ by night. Could she be any more Floridian? With a face like that, the answer is no. 

COURTNEY

According to her bio, she creates healthy meal plans for athletes in Atlanta. I’m guessing this translates into her pushing a vegan delivery service on her separate “foodie” Instagram account while working a day job in sporting event ticket sales. 

DEMI

She is absolutely one of those girls who is very proud to claim, over and over, that she has more male friends than female friends because she, “gets along better with guys”.

 DEVIN

Devin looks like she really over annunciates her words. Especially those that start with “S”. 

ELYSE

She says that she enjoys good food and good wine and I can’t tell if she’s the kind of girl that knows what good food and wine is or if she makes reservations at Logan’s Steakhouse three weeks ahead and proudly orders a bottle of house Riesling. 

ERIKA

“Erika boasts that one of her talents is to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight.” Hey Erika... Fuck off. 

ERIN

Erin loves pumpkin spiced lattes so much that she felt the need to include it in her Bachelor bio. Enough said. 

HANNAH

Hannah looks like the main character in a Lifetime movie where she plays the mom of a high school cheerleader in Texas that kidnaps her daughters arch nemesis right before a big competition and locks her in the basement. 

HANNAH G. 

She is both the photographer and the model for her burgeoning social media business. So, she is a self-proclaimed Instagram model who is here for the inevitable “Fab, Fit, Fun” contract when she leaves the show. She also looks like she could be the other Hannah’s daughter in the Lifetime cheerleader movie.  

HEATHER

She’s 22, never kissed a boy and wears a cross necklace. Colton’s a virgin. Their conversations are sure to be the reason all viewers want to have sex immediately after watching.  

ADRIANNE “JANE”

I’m confused as to what this woman's name is. 

KATIE

Katie lives in the Valley and enjoys yoga and sushi. The only two things to do in the Valley. 

KIRPA

I’m sorry, what? Also, did you ever watch “Second Wives Club”? This girl looks like Shawna, the wife of Lorenzo Lamas whose daughter Shayne “won” the twelfth season of The Bachelor. I’m kind of convinced this is all a set up. 

LAURA

What does the term, “girl next door” even mean? I don’t think it works for women with enormous fake boobs, but it looks like ABC disagrees. 

NICOLE

“Coordinator” basically means glorified intern and she lives at home with her mama. Is she old enough for this ride? 

NINA

Well, we know who will have the strangest sob story this season. Good God. 

ONYEKA

She is the contestant that will over share about her parents being engaged after two weeks because it “means” that she believes in the process of The Bachelor.

REVIAN

She absolutely changed her name when she became an esthetician in LA to sound like she’s really up-to-date on high end beauty products when actually she passes out brochures on the promenade for a free first time facial.  

SYDNEY

She’s a professional NBA dancer that is going on national TV to fall in love. Maybe my stereotypes are off but that doesn’t seem legit.

TAHZJUAN

She quite literally, (correct definition of the word) has a tattoo that says, “I love bad ideas” so we know she’s honest... she is on The Bachelor. 

TAYSHIA

These women have to fill out pages upon pages of questionnaires to be selected for this show and the most exciting and original thing they could come up with is that she’s a woman in her twenties that enjoys wine tasting. 

TRACY

She moved from New York to be a celebrity stylist. Is she here for love or for a gig at E! when this is over? 

Alright. There it is. Who do we think “wins” if that’s what you call it. Not sure I can watch another season about a virgin looking for love but you never know.