#anxious avoidant ftw

[androgynouspenguinexpert]

gather round, children, because op made an irreversible error on her graduate project three days before it's due and this blog is the only thing keeping her from snapping!

let's talk about camelopardalis!

unfortunately for him (and this analysis), cam is more of a narrative device than a character, but he has a handful of standout moments. if i had to pin him to a theme for the sake of consistency, i'd probably say processing and recovering from trauma.

cam, despite his specialty as a serenity daemon, is an incredibly anxious person - he usually keeps it under wraps, but cam starts to spiral almost immediately when he loses control of a situation. notice how quickly he bounces after someone offers him help instead of the other way around, which is what he's used to. it's his comfort zone. camelopardalis helps people; he sees it as his only purpose. he becomes incredibly stressed when he's not helping, and god forbid someone offer to share some of the emotional weight he's always carrying.

i think camelopardalis has the opposite problem to someone like avior - he's a little (read: a lot) too tied to his identity as a serenity daemon, and doesn't really consider himself an individual. it certainly doesn't help that the department has snatched him up to use as a mobile therapist-slash-trauma response worker. camelopardalis ties his self worth to his usefulness, and the department is all but happy to exploit that. maybe not consciously, but having your memory modification team want to work 24/7 at full capacity isn't something any government branch would complain about.

the tidbit that memories can be moved around but never fully destroyed is incredibly interesting to me - because, among other things, that means that cam is holding the worst memories of who knows how many people. we get a tiny peek of that later in his (what i hesitate to even call) series, but cam shuts it down as soon as he realises he's opened up too much. all this poses an interesting moral question - what are we meant to do with horrible traumatic memories if they can't be destroyed? obviously, most people just have to work through them themselves the old fashioned way, but what about people like ivan? or baby? people who have been victims of horrific magical crimes (cheers vega) that need to have their memories removed for their own sakes, and to maintain covert? is it really fair to cram all that trauma into one person? (spoiler: it is not)

okay, so we can't just shove the worst emotions known to man into a daemon and hope for the best. but now what? do we make them take turns on the trauma? do we split it up, ending up with more people holding smaller pieces? do we just pile all the horror into one person and kill them? there really isn't a good answer here, at least not that i can see. serenity daemons holding onto the memories of their charges is really only pushing the trauma one rung up the ladder, and leaving the daemon to work through recovery acoustic style.

i doubt we'll see cam in any meaningful capacity any time soon. he's really not relevant to the current A plot, and i'd argue he's bundled in somewhere with the F or G plots at the moment. still, i think camelopardalis has a lot of potential. if he eventually decides to open up to someone, he might get to experience some of that peace he strives to grant to others.

[rnm-magic-space-xsd]

Picrew - That’s my Monster High S/I ! I’m a Snow Spirit from my Dad’s side and a Shapeshifter from my Mom’s side. Hence I can only shapeshift into animals that live in cold climates 💗❄️. Clawd’s my Sunshine Wolfie Boyfriend and Draculaura’s my close friend!

We are both dating Clawd (PolyShip FTW!) and are not in a romantic relationship with each other. Buuuut, we sometimes kiss on the lips xp.

We love to do each other’s makeup and fangirl together! Sleepovers are life! Snugglin n Cuddlin together x). I especially love Romantic 3Way Snuggles! Haha, Clawd would have to sleep on his back as both DracuLovely and I want to be loved equally by him! But don’t worry, Clawd is filled with so much love and warmth thanks to his Two LoveMates 🐈‍⬛💗🐺💗🧛🏼‍♀️

ClawDreamy, DracuLove and I love writing each other love letters and even though Clawd is a little awkward and clumsy at showering and flourishing romantic verbal affections through writing, it’s very sweet and makes both LauraLee’s and I’s hearts warm and fuzzy and loved!

DracuLaura is a cheerleader and is so cool when she’s doing acrobatics that it sometimes makes me feel jealous and inadequate compared to how brightly she shines, like a star in the nighttime. But after a short period of polite and nervously sad avoidances by me and worried anxiety and almost full girlishly, lowkey sweet, self conscious fear on Laura’s part I was finally able to open up to her.

‘It’s just..DracuLovely, you’re so romantic, positive, charming, sweet, kind, feminine, adorable, the right amount of athletic grace and clumsy quirkiness and I feel like..maybe ClawDearie would love you more than me…I mean, I love you CandyBat but..I’m selfish and I want to be loved too..Just as loved as you are..’

‘Oh. Ohhhh…! Pheww...’ Draculaura released a sigh of relief at the sweetly bitter confession her precious love partner finally expressed.

‘Oh! Not to dismiss or minimize your insecurities, My Snowy! but my mind and non-beating heart were a frantic anxious mess and I thought maybe I did something to make you hate and avoid me. So I’m glad it’s not that.’

‘Back to you my MelloMello. You don’t need to feel insecure my sweet. You’re so plenty, heart-fluttering, soul warming, frenzied mind making lover to both Clawdearest and I! I love you too! So infinitely much! Us two are more alike than you think, Starlight! We’re both charming, sweet, positive, romantic, girly! That’s why we are so close and so magnetized by each other!’ LauraLight hugs Melody so warmly and tightly, to vanquish all of her fears and insecurities and fill her heart with the endless love both ClawDreamy and CutieBat hold for her.

‘You’re so intelligent, gentle, sweet, kind, strong and brave! Both Clawd and I adore how your heart captures all of the seasons of nature and how you’re never the same! icy sharp at times and a warm spring evening on others but that just makes you so cool, charming and admirable when your fierce and feisty sides show up from your depths to protect your and our honor. And your soft moonlight glow that comforts us in our dark nights..You’re so special Melody! Just by being yourself. You’re a gift of joy, warmth, peace, justice, strength, innocence and love! We’re so blessed to have you as our love partner, Shiri!’

‘You’re so pretty and lovely and cute, MochiCake! With your eyes shining like pearls and diamonds, your sweet and bright smile warms both Clawd’s and my heart so much and it comforts our souls when we’re down.’

‘You always try your best to support and encourage us because of your wish to make the people you love feel happy, loved and encouraged, and it’s such an under-appreciated side to you..’

‘You may seem cold and aloof to outsiders but you have such a kind and loving heart. Your childish joy that sparkles in your eyes when you’re eating candy and how I can feel your heart pulsing all madly frenzied at being able to snuggiewuggie and enjoy intimate times with both our WolfieClaws and I..Our MoonBeam is so innocent and soft and shy..it makes both Claws and I love you sososo much! And I still haven’t listed all of the things that we absolutely adore about you!’

‘So !’ ‘Now we should definitely start our cheer banners for our Clawd’s next basketball tournament. We’ve only got like, a week to finish it all up together!’

‘Aww, LaurieSweets! You’re just as sweet as the candies I love! You make me happy too! I’m so glad we have so much love for each other, and ClawDearest too!’ Melody hugs her BatMate tightly as they both fall together on the bed (fully clothed, jsyk), softly giggling, hands intertwined lovingly. Hearts in both these datemates’ eyes. ‘Hehe’

‘Um..Would it be okay if we could also write GoldieEyes a love letter in addition to the competition cheer banner? A letter of love and encouragement for him to read before the game. For him to know how much we love, support, cherish and adore him!’

‘Aa! Of course! I’m sure he’d love it! You’re so precious my Melodious Snowdrop 😍🥰 I would’ve so loved to just eat you up if I wasn’t vegetarian. But be prepared for a passionate night of soft loving whispers, lovebites, snuggles and kisses all over you on the night of the basketball game 😍💗💋’

[couragehopelovefaith]

I posted 6,242 times in 2022

That's 896 more posts than 2021!

221 posts created (4%)

6,021 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@sobernatural

@buglovescas

@dwcoded

@emeraldcas

@deanshauntedmidnights

I tagged 5,141 of my posts in 2022

Only 18% of my posts had no tags

#supernatural - 3,446 posts

#destiel - 2,716 posts

#deancas - 2,712 posts

#dean winchester - 587 posts

#castiel - 288 posts

#fate the winx saga - 260 posts

#shadowhunters - 177 posts

#tvd - 170 posts

#ftws - 143 posts

#teen wolf - 134 posts

Longest Tag: 132 characters

#the moment when you're supposed to be the responsible employer and see something like this and try to hold back screaming and crying

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Riven and Musa | Cake By The Ocean (S2) (SPOILERS ABOUT SEASON 2) Lilac Edits was really fast with this wonderful Rivusa-edit. Great job! *returns to rewatch it multiple times*

60 notes - Posted September 17, 2022

#4

When you have rewatched Merlin six or seven times but want to go through all that emotional rollercoaster to introduce it to your friend, are nervous about her reactions...and these are her comments during episode two: 

“It seems like the show is developing the thing between Morgana and Arthur, but I would much rather want to see Morgana with Gwen and Merlin with Arthur. There is so much chemistry there already.”

“Gwen and Morgana have such bi-energy!”

[I made a mistake of accidentally telling her that Morgana is going to turn “evil” at some point, and now she has wild speculations of what would lead such a just cinnamon roll into that...and I’m sitting there like I’m constipated to avoid spoiling anything.]

[when Merlin and Arthur are fighting] “Oh, come on, just kiss and make up already!”

Also, she is such a ray of sunshine every time Kilgharrah appears and she has already so many crossover-ideas. 

And let me tell you, the big mix of relief, nostalgic pain and amusement that I felt was like no other. 

My inner voice: “Oh, honey, you’ve got a big storm coming!”

82 notes - Posted May 21, 2022

#3

I’m all too used to having “Yes, they are finally happy! Wait... Oh no, they are too happy right now... something bad is gonna happen any minute!”-moments, but it still sucks every time. 

134 notes - Posted May 8, 2022

#2

The last year and a half has been challenging enough already, and now Merlin is leaving Netflix too? Seriously? Dammit and other curses. 

158 notes - Posted November 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

My opinions about “Fate the Winx Saga” season 2 (MANY SPOILERS!)

If you haven’t seen it yet and want to experience it fully by yourselves, don’t read any further!

- Without any doubt, this season is even better than the first one. Such an emotional rollercoaster with many surprises and great villains. I loved all of the old and new characters and how these episodes deepened their bonds. It took some time for me to get used to the new actors of Rosalind and Ben - the original ones will always have a special place in my heart, but they did a good job with recasting, I think. 

- I have loved Abigail as Bloom since the first episode, but I’m glad she got so many opportunities to shine here.

- I didn’t especially like Skloom in the original animation, but they have stolen my heart in Fate, specifically during this season (episodes two and seven, my beloved). 

- I was both anxious and excited about seeing Flora, but I was pleasantly surprised. She is a badass, fits into group so well, and I like how her and Terra got closer and kind of sorted out their disagreements. 

- Everyone’s storylines and struggles were good and relatable (especially Bloom’s, Sky’s and Musa’s), but Terra’s took the first place for me for multiple reasons. 

- Stella’s and Riven’s character-developments are definitely also worth mentioning.

- My emotions about Dane have been conflicted this season, but I’m happy where we left with him, that the situation with Riven and him seems to be somewhat okay now and he has a chance to real happiness.

- I love Sam as a character, feel really bad for him and want him to find happiness, but Samusa never really was “it” for me (and it’s not just because I have had a soft spot for Rivusa since my childhood).

- When it comes to Rivusa, I really enjoyed their scenes together and can’t wait to see more of them. 

- Musa is still my favorite Winx altogether, even though I adore all of them.

- Aisha deserves everything beautiful and good in this world, dammit!

- I’m thrilled how much Silva-content we got this season. 

- Transformations and magic in general were done great.

- A good nod to Trix, I must say.

- That ending scene got me so emotional it was almost ridiculous. 

Aaand the downsides...

- Farah will always be the headmistress of Alfea to me and many, many others. The scenes we got with her, and her one last valuable lesson, were touching and I’m thankful for them, but she deserved so much more. There was an amazing build up of Golden Trio in season 1, and it was all thrown to waste. My Silrah-heart had so much hope and now it’s broken. And yes... I cried my eyes out. But when it’s all said and done... I just wanna thank Eve Best for portraying Farah so marvelously (and read loads of Silrah/Golden Trio-fanfics).

- Even though Andreas was very... questionable, I’m sad that there were so few scenes between him, Sky and Silva. 

- Stellatrix belongs to my “had so much hope”-department and well ... </3 

Such a great season, and a heartbreaking cliffhanger. We gotta get season 3, as soon as possible.

268 notes - Posted September 17, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[aggressivedaikons]

I am melting every ounce of stress has dissolved and I am free for the next until I wake up tomorrow (I just avoided what could have been a MASSIVE panic attack and I got extremely upset anxious and scared over a small issues that was resolved with actual healthy communication. Good relationships ftw.)

[problematicpervertpod]

recs on recs on recs

Yaoi/Manga I’m reading/have read. Please support the artists on official websites. If you have recs or want to chat about any of these get in my messages right the fuck now my dudes. Also spoilers, also this probably doesn’t make sense to anyone but me, also I think I’m funny sorry in advance.

Dangerous Convenience Store

Tags: Ongoing, self aware lead for the most part, gangs, smut, love triangle, possessive, not rapey, seme is like the fucking hulk compared to uke, college, age gap, good art, muscular bodies, seme is adorable/romantic in sp chapters, sexual awakening, meeting the gang (in two ways!), FAINTS OF CUTENESS/HOTNESS, the memes after every chapter got me gagged, HAHE hahahahahahahahahaha, OMG DO I GET SOME CNC?! (update: short lived), we stan a vocal man (Ahjussi), thigh fucking, my mans be like my thighs hurt fuck my ass instead DECEASED, ass smacking, these memes are so good god damnit, rimming

8/10, I live for Ahjussi (Am I spelling this wrong..)

The New Employee 

-love love love

Tags: ongoing, we stan supportive boyfriends, healthy relationship, boss/employee, smut, office setting, good art, 10/10 will re-read, muscular bodies

Love Shuttle

Tags: completed, ABO, enemies to lovers, possessive, coworkers, fake relationship, strong omega, the art sucks but I like the story, art gets better after the 1st season, alphas eyes change colors when happy/anxious, muscular bodies, 7/10, update 10/10 art is meh but fml this storyline is basic af in the best way and it’s the fluff/smut I need, when you’re caught by the folks *cringe*

Hold Me Tight

Tags: ongoing, boss/employee, bodyguard, gio can’t feel heat until felix comes along, uke is strong af, horny bastards, smut, possessive, tragic childhood, moving in together right away, rich seme, felix in a bunny costume though *heart eyes*, dialogue is great, rape in a technical sense but the vibe is written like both characters are all good after? Ex. hospital scene…dub con, ART IS GREAT, hand holding during sex, 10/10 will re-read, muscular bodies

Yours to Claim 

Tags: ongoing, love triangle, Dom/sub dynamics, smut, main is big switch energy, reincarnation, jealousy, manipulative, possessive, self aware lead for the most part, toxic af, GREAT ART, college, rich semes, 10/10 will re-read and not even finished, SONOFABITCH that cliff hanger!! Season 3 come thruuuu (I have to wait until November? *cries* BUT MAH LOVE TRIANGLE!!, I want a THROUPLE GOD DAMN IT

The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

Tags: obsessed with this story, will the incense burner scenes make it?? No tags because I'll never forget this one haha wangxian 5ever, send me all fanfics/fan art you have about this story, love Dark Wangji, Jadecest, ABO/omegaverse, Bottom Wangji/Top Wei Ying, and honestly anything regarding this fandom

Bj Alex

Tags: completed, great art, 11/10 will re-read, cam boy, fanboy, seme is an asshole, uke is so sexy, jealously, rich seme, enemies to lovers kind of?, CHANWOO IS MY BOY FOR LIFE, Chanwoo MD supremacy, BDSM (like really really), fuck I love Chanwoo, college students, rich seme, emotional rollercoaster, uke soft body, mean seme, college life, that one nosy bitch ass guy trying to expose my boys needs to fuck right off, seme split/fake personality, dub con 

Anti PT

Tags: ongoing, 11/10 re-readable, porn with feelings, love triangle, jealousy, attempted non-con, personal training wink wink, main love interest is actually the best, second male lead is a god damn creep, first time, smut, great art, sex addict/constantly horny uke, I WANT A HWI, 

Related: https://www.anime-planet.com/manga/anti-pt/recommendations 

Payback

Tags: ongoing, both are psychopaths tbh, revenge, gangs, uke sells himself to seme, violent seme, entertainment industry, brunette supremacy, what this motherfucker gonna do? hehe , great art, muscular bodies, dead dove do not eat, my mans must be GOOD looking/animal magnetism cause everyone losing their fucking minds, okay this is a comedy I’m dying, he tried to scare him with wanting to be a top but my psycho said REVERSEUNO BITCH I’M A VERSE (wait jk apparently *sigh*), anonymous masked sex (sad n’ kinky)

My Suha

Tags: ongoing, wow this gets dark, possessive af like holy shit, terrible people all around uke, rape, boss/employee, office politics/family politics, smut, characters that are punchable, dead dove do not eat, *velociraptor noises*, avoided this for a while but I’m back because nothing can be more emotionally devastating than Banana Fish, TIE HIM UP, FUCK HIS FACE ALKSJD:ASKD, FUCK SUHA UR SO HOT that dirty talk though YAS, glad I picked this back up lmao, GOD DAMN IT just when the package arrived then this red head fucker *screams*

Shame Application aka Dirty Vibration

Tags: completed, friends to lovers, model seme, cute af uke, love triangle, entertainment industry, smut, kink, all kinds of sex everywhere, realized feelings, mutual pining, jealousy, rich seme, blonde seme, big brother 1984 always watching, 10/10 would re-read, porn with plot, they were roommates!, ~straight~ seme, first times, great art, remembering some cringe but considering the story it’s par for the course

Will You Subscribe

Tags: ongoing, season 1 completed, enemies to lovers, cam boy, office politics, boss/employee, hiding a secret, public sex, stalkers/creepy men, emotionally stunted characters, mutual pining, idiots in lust, lingerie company, slut shaming, jealousy/possessiveness, season 2 bebeh, HOLDING HANDS *velociraptor noises*, LMAO okay my mans is not THAT old how tf does he not know netflix and chill, BUNNY COSTUME (quickly becoming my new fav trope in manga, A+ gang), oh we stan a good boy, wtf is wrong with wanting to do cam work, ‘I wish my marks could become permanent’ *omegaverse wink*, *works for lingerie company* *doesn’t understand where bf gets sexy costumes* like wut kind of fuckery…, cross dressing ftw, roleplay, classic BL miscommunication trope

Hyperventilation

Tags: completed, high school crush, unrequited love, mutual pining, smut, quickie (short story), class reunion, apparently furry with the extra chapter turning my man into a bunny but c'est la vie! https://myreadingmanga.info/korean-bl-animation-hyperventilation-engsub/ this is the animation of the same story, different endings but same in tone (this site is spammy AF but the English subs are so hard to find for this) 8/10 

Unmei no tsugai ga omae da nante

Tags: only one bed, ABO, office setting. Coworkers, enemies to lovers, competitive, equality in the omegaverse, dubcon, real dicks and not lightsabers, fated pair, art is cute af 8/10

K’s Secret

Tags: buckle up buttercup, dead dove do not eat, angst, pining, somnophilia, dub con, non con, boss/employee, manipulative, stalking, forced relationship, tragic childhood background, weird art but gets better,  uke: don’t threaten me with a good time but seriously stop threatening me, possessive & obsessive, seme is like the fucking hulk compared to uke, wow were going full psycho stalker hm?, dating a narcissist is all fun and (mind)games, con non con… ? honestly who tf knows, domestic!, OW MY HEART, the t/n WAP note sent me, ch 51 translated by gen z, do special ep= furry? Wait there’s a maid costume, bunny costume, directors friends keeping it real, rough translations 8/10

Enthusiasm

Tags: ongoing, dead dove do not eat, uke buys seme, masc boys, muscular bodies, fight club, master/slave, rich uke, revenge, real dicks not lightsabers, rough sex, cuckholding, daddy issues, suicide, wow the end of ch 5 punched a hole in my heart, penile implant life,  rough translations makes the storyline wonky, nvm back to lightsabers *star wars noises*, HAD ME FEELING SOME TYPE OF WAY I CAN NOT, shibari, possessive, wait this is cute *velociraptor noises*, angst, no kithes for you “bestie”, OBSESSED, honestly choke him pupper, STAY THE NIGHT ALKSDJA:SLDKJAS:LKDJA:SLDKj, problematic but I’m riding for these two, 

Ichimai Goshi Fetish

Tags: completed, short, fetishes DO start in childhood don’t they *ruminates*, author: describes ML as a beautiful 2D character meanwhile: ML IS 2D character, fellas is it gay to kiss the homies?, “real dudes don’t interest me” is a MOOD, comedy, jealousy, college setting, dialogue is A+, not lightsabers but not dicks either, first time, when you’re fucked so good you think you’ve died, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4uEq5Nx6ko, hero/villain roleplay. Fluff n smut 10/10

My Purrfect Boss

Tags: completed, tooth rotting fluff because blondie is so FUCKING cute little sensitive soul, golden retriever boyfriend, pure comedy, DECEASED, MY MAN JUST DID THE SLOW BLINK, office setting, boss/employee, ~wasted~ (red dead redemption meme),  FFS SO CUTE, he put a ring on it right away beyonce would be proud af, he protecc he attack but most importantly he hit it from the back, jealousy, honeymoon phase of dating, the ex is a snake (update: oh wow literally), I’m picking up abuse/PTSD vibes based on how Kang reacts to his ex :(, classic BL miscommunication plot, immediately no meme audio (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6XWSGfYnps) ,  I WILL STRAIGHT UP MURDER CHA WTF!!!!!!, gang rape, spiked with drugs that force heat, me rn:*screaming/rage*, psychotic ex/abuser, HE PROTECCC, actual relief after that scene jesus fuck, okay YES kings I see you, okay this is giving me cuteness aggression, hi yes I’d like to adopt a cat and a dog please 9/10

Following Namsoo to the Bathhouse

Tags: completed, same author as, “My Purrfect Boss”, A+ comedy once again, JUNIOR, gay awakening, “fap myself to death” DEAD, facial expressions are ridic, my minds telling me no but my body, my bodyyyy’s telling me yaaaaa, ya boy is literally losing his mind over this, actual lightsabers lmao, FLUFF, permasmile, 6969, THINKS THEY’RE GOING TO EAT RAMEN, dense gay, own your skin wtf okay hannibal calm down, everyone is officially cray,  ah I also am barfy when drunk, denial really is something hm, classic BL miscommunication plot, when people pleasing too far, happy ending 🥺🥰, side story: our crazy gets his very own crazy (ashton Kutcher from spread vibes), public sex, sex sparkle 9/10

Alien in my Closet

Tags: ongoing (maybe completed but def ongoing on the site I use), not rapey at all?? You’d think it’s impossible in this medium ffs, anti pt vibes, cute art, fluff ‘n smut, red head!!, they were roomates!, sex toys, bsdm, D/s (brat)dynamic or maybe owner/pet, bondage, *tiffany hadish voice* this is noiceeee, con humiliation/degradtion, SANTA CLAUS, edging, marking, one lotus please (he’s clearly read the 4 agreements and karma sutra), con non con, exhibitionism, the wrist thing stays on people, Katoptronophilia,  roleplay, is it stalking when you bring your friends?, lotus: welcome home cheater, the chin on the head thing gives me cuteness aggression, the twins are my favs, when ur crush vanilla af ����, haesung: experiment on me daddy, no dick until halfway through/fingering supremacy, bedroom sessions has me gagged, voyeurism, wait they haven’t kissed this whole time I forgot (audio: https://www.tiktok.com/@ryley/video/6976701880277748997?lang=en), sunbae is sus, YES FINALLY A FUCKING SWITCH COUPLE AKJSDHALKSJDHASKLJDHALS KJDALKSJD (update: sort of), there’s a missed opportunity for an anal probe joke, damn it okay maybe sunbae is chill, 3 musketeers, my heart*implodes*, *velociraptor noises*, 12/10 would re-read such fluff my heart 

On Doorstep

Tags: completed, age gap, reese has ptsd, jimmy going from 0 to 100, jimmy really got down on his knees at work, ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) deepest part you say, real dicks, ride him like a rodeo, quickie/short story, porn with plot

Gorani Jeon

Tags: ongoing, omegaverse, no alpha though, animal hybrid, art is beautiful like it's drawn on paper not a screen, 40 inch weave yours came in a pack, historical (non-modern), lord send me a sexy man pls, the memes after each chapter are golden, taking the phrase licking wounds literally, is that an eggplant or are you just happy to see me hehe, ahhh so inhibitors do exist here, vertical 69, here lays Bau fucked to death by Ran, WHY HE TOUCHING MY MAN, these chickens are dope, stomp on his dick, that’s what I call a happy meal, fucked right out the front door I’M DEAD, mpreg, i need a tiger+mountain god spin off (whoops dad/son my bad), slice of life, cute fluff 8/10

Room to room

Tags: completed, college setting, A+ dialogue, absurd size difference, unrequited love,  sexsomina, dubcon, angst, death by a thousand cuts emotionally, insecurity, body envy, pining, friends to lovers, they were roommates!, homophobia, sexual assault, PTSD, gays in denial, the tattoo 🥺 ow my heart, truly this is 90% smut, “going from unrequited love to fwbs is shittier than I expected”, dowan *bad blood by t swift* when he sees garam, ch 22garam reminds me of my ex and that’s not a compliment, I’m not gay but my boyfriend is vibes, triflers need not apply, spanking, 😭😭😭😭😭 my heart hurts, is anyone getting a bit of a puppy play vibe? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vni9ZWmDXis, handcuffs, lots of head we stan, dowan’s gotta a touch of a foot thing or maybe body worship thing, asdlfgkjs ;dlkfgjsd;flkgj;sdflkgj;sdlfgjs;d/gkdf SO CUTEEEEEEEEEEE, roleplay. They broke the bed no use of crying over spilled milk ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), side stories delivering man in uniform and sex toys AND puppy, asdlkjaslfkasdjfl;askdfjasdf the shirt thing is so hot, watersports, I take it back this is 98% smut 9/10

Mistake Lover

Tags: completed, when ur bff is back on their BS, love triangle, coworkers, i swear all these ukes look the same to me at this point (which is very cute), GE!!!! (wangxian flashbacks), wait no smut?.... Paused

Yagi to ookami no hatsujou jijou

Tags: completed, quickie/short story, literally on my reading list because a comment said “nice cock 10/10”hahahaha, animal hybrids, scifi/aliens, me during chapter one: am I a furry? No. Am I? Relevant audio https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noJNIqvDfoo, hotties when human GOD DAMN, bi king, okay I stan this girl changing gears take your opportunities honey!, does blondie have a tinder or how is this happening? (update: called it), feminization, dubcon/noncon, marking, heats, idk about 10/10 cock but not lightsabers, translation is ruff (get it?), a yankee hahaha, literal wound licking, googles chimera, *claps* yes king selfish call his ass out, tail holding caaaayoooot, not that isn’t usually copious amounts of cum but really this is a lot 8/10

Make Me Bark

Tags: completed, $250 a month rent?? *cries in Californian*, god damn it these grey haired 2D men are really hot fml, “next months rent is a looming concern but I hope it’ll get better” followed by apartment on fire is how I feel about reality, rare characters that smile way more than they frown, sex toys, kink, puppy play, owner/pet dynamic, sugar daddy/baby, college setting, harness, muzzle, leash, tail plug, shirt thing!!, soaked briefs, playing barbie IRL, omg meet cute at the adult store, intercrural sex, possessive/jealousy, ah fuck yes I saw this panel on IG but it didn’t have the source but now hehe, whipping, choking, spanking, *bookmarks*, simp city, childhood friends, side couple cute af, yeonsoo: sorry I’m an anti romantic, size queen, mens lingerie, domestic, mutual pining,  these bestie pairings are *chefs kiss*, skinny but muscular bodies/no ridiculous size differences, “does he have a big dick?” “probably” “well tell him to come” GAGGED AJKSDHALSKDJHA this dialogue pure comedy, exhibitionism, human auction, maid costume, men in heels, topping in a dress, girl at the bus stop HAHAHA, ffs this is so cute, side stories: it’s a small world afterall, dynamic role reversal, pink haired boy is guru, SCREAMING AKDJA:SLDKJA:LKDJA:LSDKJLAKDJA:LDJAL:SKDJASLKDJA:SLKDJLAKSDJLASDJ:LASJD:ALSKDJASL:DJ:ASLJDPUTARINGONIT!!!! 11/10 

Gurume no fukurami

Tags: completed, quickie/short story, food fetish, feeding fetish, age gap, throuple-eqsue? There’s 3 people involved, paused ch 1 pg 30

Under the Green Light

Tags: ongoing, thank you IG for rec’ing this, brunette supremacy, neurodivergent?, lmao @hag, this statue is everything I wonder if it’s based on a real piece?, we went from talking art to being pinned to the ground REAL quick, translations rough but not as rough as my mans here, draw me like one of your french girls vibe, sass master, these dicks are ridiculously huge which is saying something for this genre, i love a verse/switch, “first time he’s asked someone to stop so his self-esteem is hurt” HAHAHAHA, stealing bae’s shirt, facials galore, car sex/public sex, jin not into praise kink clearly, sort of slut shaming jealousy, marking

Walk on Water

Tags: completed, for being about porn it’s not that smutty (i take it back), “don’t even think about running away” got me like https://giphy.com/gifs/VABbCpX94WCfS, actual dicks (lightsabers later must be the cleaners not the OG), muscular bodies, blonde seme, brunette uke, k mcqueen is everything, honestly haven’t loved a couple this much since chanwoo x MD and I LOVE THEM, jealousy, orgasm denial, the angles/frames of the art in this are insane (11/10), emotional intimacy CUTENESS HASIHDLASKDHJLAKSJDH, i wanna lick lick lick you from your head to your toes, dirty talk A+, bestie you turned out to be Judas you judgy fuck how dare you touch my man, Ryan is 50 shades of fucked up bb needs therapy, Chang and yeowoons sexual tension is *chefs kiss*, I ship it/all my ships sailing, woof non con but expected tbh, YEAH BABY YEAH *Austin powers voice*, fml I don’t want this story to end, meeting the Hets ™ would make me nervous too, spiderman kith, mirror sex sjkadfhasldjkfh, 34+35, JOI but with a partner? Not D/s, promises are made to broken hehe, that feeling when you understand the title, omg the fan art is so cool!! 15/10 would re-read seriously I can’t explain how well the artist used angles/how she portrayed the scenes was fucking MASTERFUL

Woof Wolf

Tags: that's my best friend (saweetie), red heads, werewolf au, college setting, students, shoot a shot in your mouth while I'm riding, facials, marking

Sexual Awakening of an Ex Delinquent 

Tags: completed, quickie/short story, sexual coercion/non con/dub con, tiddies, bondage, nipple play, edging/orgasm denial, candy in ass wow, food kink, kink in general, rich seme working class uke, lightsabers,  big dick Jesus fuck, exhibitionism, public sex, men's lingerie, Blondie is a sweet baby angel, self hatred/homophobia, sexual narrating that has me like oof 😣 that's not how this works but okay, the sweet spots thing is a great line, man is a slave to the sweets, lmao at the meme at the end of ch 9 fucking facts, kidnapping plot, rapey guys all around this story, tattoo/back story reveal has me like *nods head yes*, my throats broken has me gagged, crazy amount of sfx noises that distract from the art (I really appreciate cleaners I realize), first times, rushed ending feels,  would rate 6/10 not terrible but probably won't read again.  

With Your Tail Yes

Tags: ongoing, IG rec, quickie/short story, on man brunette looks EXACTLY like a different character by another artist like for real duplicate, home boy pulled Elle Wood’s Bend n Snap and we are HERE FOR IT, lingerie/cross dressing, okay compilation of short stories, great artwork but wtf these are far too short (maybe uploaded wrong..?), *immediately makes deal with the devil because yum*, ah okay previews THEN stories, human animal hybrid situation, lightsabers, fucking imagine your crush delivery the sex toy you ordered online HAHA *dies*, buys toys because men ain’t shit is a VIBE, you know he’s always wearing matching sets because he’s 100% that bitch, dub con/non con, knotting (unexpected), exhibitionism, public sex, good ol’ fashion blackmail to get your lover to stay with you trope, sexual assault/attempted rape, victim blaming, shibari, leashes, D/brat dynamic sort of, copious amounts of cum, lube? What lube?, marathon sex, first time, 75 hours?? Immediately no meme, 7/10 mostly for art/concepts but not execution

Heat and Run

Tags: ongoing, IG rec, omegaverse, friends to enemies to lovers, multiple couples as main to sides then sides to mains, my heart dropped because I thought the first sex scene was incest but then realized I’m mixing up all the characters derp, dense gays, this is america (the shooting comment WOOF reality feels bad man), blondes have more fun, real dicks, dubcon/CNC dealers choice, mutual pining, idiots in love, big alpha energy BDE, there are moments I feel Hayoung on a spiritual level and not sure that’s a compliment hahaha, orgasm denial/edging, istg if he bonded without Hayoung permission *jenna marbles BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII YOU BETTAH NOT*, also I was hoping the idol was him but realizing it’s probs his sis, *deep sigh*, BDIRL, wow racism, oh no oh no no no no no meme audio, listen everyone needs to get into therapy to break that generational trauma is all I’m saying (not excusing abuse at all, trauma isn’t a free pass), NO ONE WANTS TO PLAY A GAME WITHOUT KNOWING THE RULES :ALKSDHJALKSDJA:SLKDJTRUE, matthew singing bo burnham: I’m problematic *background singers ‘he’s a problem!’*, i ship it yolo, JAEHO STAN (no means no!), mpreg, god damn it I am so worried about him getting roofie and the party scene hasn’t even started ABO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TOO ME, OH THANK JAEHO, dayummmm that clapback was real fuck him UP, me clapping: MARK HIM MARK HIM, GOD DAMN IT WITH THESE ONGOING FUCKING CLIFF HANGERS FML, marked via knotting? Okay that’s new, but also like normal marking I think, fucking til bottom pees trope

Heaven Officials Blessing

Animated series season 1 complete. Live action currently filming (same director as Untamed too UGH SO HAPPY)

Tags: ongoing, same author as my fav ever MDZS, just finished season 1 animated on netflix and can no longer avoid this because I LOVE THEM, all the memes on IG make sense now, Prince voice: Dearly Beloved (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXJhDltzYVQ) we are gathered here today to dive deeper into a fandom I will never escape, ART IS AMAZING (https://tenor.com/view/incredible-talented-lady-brilliant-gaga-gif-14857187), group chats are always chaotic tbh, wait a minute meme audio: bride = bottom? How tf did I not get that the first time round *sigh* always hoping for a verse couple, the asst. Boys I ship hard, the sass, fuck this is going to just be pure angst isn’t it *straps in, has fluffy manga queued*, even if no smut 11/10 gege porn, not subtle, god FUCK this ART IS SO FUCKING GOOD THE TALENT skjas;ldkfja;, 🥺, traumatic cliff moment *mdzs flashbacks*, HC smirk is my new favorite thing, no fucking but lots of touching, size difference, horror, gore, wuxia, great side characters, my ear feels tingly too lmao, SOMEONE BETTER GET THESE MF SNAKES ON THIS MF PLANE (cliff), umbrella moments got me uwu, gimme at least didi pleaseandthankyou, FUCK I LOVE THIS ARTIST she keeping us WELL fed with these extras DAYUM, wind/earth master ship please sail, CALL ME DADDY IM DEAD, HC has LWJ energy like you are not qualified to talk to me LOL, WAIT this totally counts as there was only one bed trope, also I’m already excited about omegaverse ff (send me recs please please please)

4 week lovers

Tags: ongoing because apparently I want to torture myself, mutual pining/”unrequited love”, college life, friends to lovers, blackmail ur crush into sex trope, public sex, I was going to tag possessive body language but possessive in a general sense apparently (starting strong yessss), sure jan @unrequited love dialogue, THEY WERE ROOMMATES *cackles*, sus haha, rough translation, pure comedy, shirt thing!, casual abuse :( (back story, traumatic childhood), I’m getting TharnType vibes (but not quite…), that note is precious, cry during/after sex, great angles, dialogue A+ 

Burlesque Night

Tags: completed, quickie/short story, stripper/body guard, coworkers, lust at first sight, magic mike vibes, fridays = getting fucked on stage O-O, well that was traumatizing af, took a bullet, real dicks, LDR, CUTE, I’m not in love with you… sure jan, OH WOW MASTER dlksaj;alsdkja;lsdkja;sld, gay awakening/first time, the art detail is *chefs kiss*, disappointed but not surprised :( :( :(, we stan a yes and lover, shirt thing, still not sure wtf the vertical anus thing is but full circle moment haha, you know what fuck it I’d re-read this 9/10

My one and only cat

Tags: ongoing, cat hybrids, god damn it I’m totally in furrydom ffs, ah well here we go, idol hot = loneliness wahhh /s, so hot he literally transforms other beings, omg a cat cafe CUTE, fuck that cat is cute *so fluffy*, stalker status, comedy, real dicks, I think the uncle would be supportive/jealous even I hope they talk about it I’m dying to know his thoughts, big tiddies, if this ain’t the cutest shit FLUFF/SMUT, copious amounts of cum, ate it with the panties on, CAKE, xmas, his milkshakes bring all the boy(cats) to the yard, trifling bitch

Imitation Mate

Tags: completed, omegaverse, alpha x alpha. Class rivals YAS, childhood frans, enemies to lovers omg this is all the shit I want, manipulation 1000 but yolo I ship it

Mr. 100% Perfect

Tags: ongoing, so relatable, OCD?, hoarder, when I read the title I thought mental illness and I was right, masks ugh RELATABLE, getting back together w ex, woof sibling drama/manipulation, suicide attempt, omg their communication regarding the psycho is REFRESHING, OMG JEJU ISLAND I see it in every fucking kdrama ever but this is the first time I’ve seen it mentioned in a manga *hm* interesting, furry furry everywhere, eye contact, finished reading season 1 pause for an omergaverse cause, okay I’m back and season 2 starting STRONG #1 men are gross #2 mans just went right to a blowie while mf was trying to pee lmao i can NOT the germs barf, fuckboi extraordinaire stressing over a textback is *great*, that istg face is perfect, HYUNGGGG, hand on his heart OW MY HEART, vibe check LOL, here for this plot dev, END OF SEASON2 NOOOOOOOimnotready. Head bonks CUTE

The origin of species

Tags: ongoing, omegaverse, sex tape, blackmail, i already don’t like this teacher, size difference, ‘JUST DIE’ hahahahahaha, I’m in love with noona, wait Ahjussi means uncle/mister? Dangerous convenience store has a new meaning to me now, DECEASED @they won’t, copious amounts of cum, alcohol to have intimacy *sighs in early 20s*, also WTF THEY ARE FUCKING AND THERE’S NO PHERMONE STUFF! What’s the point of being ABO without smell *swaggy p meme???*, wait okay ch 11 it begins, stockholm syndrome but since childhood I’m fairly certain *looking at you teacher I don’t trust these mfs*, dubcon obviously, also the can’t be knotted thing has me *cardi b meme that’s weird that’s sus* obvs poor bb about to get preg af, five word horror story: I won’t hurt you again *why tf you lyinggggg why u always lyinggg meme*, white collar crime, what’s the point of a contract when there’s no actual choice

How to Chase an Alpha

Tags: ongoing, lowkey been avoiding this one not because I think it’ll be bad I just..idk the brain is a weird thing, page 2 and I love mains attitude fucking gagged sass me bb, starting with rough translation but it be that way sometimes, GROUNDS HIMSELF BY TOUCHING HIS BLACK CARD I CANTTT, pheromone city fuck it UP, MC is a MOOD, mutual pining, when u and bae both hire PI’s to get info on each other, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, shirt thing, fucking chuffed about the rival fucking bring it, funny art, cheated on ugh mah heart I saw it coming and it still hurt, pure comedy this airport scene is so funny to me wtf, LDR, good ol murica fuckboi, LOVE HIM RIDE FOR UR MAN/MORALS, liams a little rapey rapist hm? No one’s ever said no… well being flooded with pheromones isn’t consent my dude, istg liam = I love it when they struggle, obvs jealousy/possessive tag but such is ABO, cat suit, BUNNY suit, sexy costumes, god damn it I love them that proposal/mpreg so cute, imprinting AW, ugh baes fam is so cute I needed that bc I wanna strangle wooyoungs dad, THE SECETARY is my fucking fav never stops being A+, SEC+LIAM?? Here for it *i ship it*, FUCK SO CUTE 12/10 re-read, fluff n smut, excited for how to chase an omegaside story hyung needs love!, JINI is mood, sales king I’m dying, that collar is ~hot~ btw

Egoism

Tags: completed (because jesus I can’t with ongoing, theheartbreakTM), UPDATE FML THE HEART BREAK IS REAL also no smut, omegaverse, hey stepbro, starts with rape, possessive/jealousy (isn’t all ABO?), age difference (6years, alpha is younger *can I get hyung plz lord*), HYUNG, woof this dad SUCKS, child abuse, rape culture *sigh*, I wanna get jacked like rick and summer and beat tf out of the dad, me n my cat, TELL EM HONEY I love this MC, traitor indeed, beta x omega btw, fated pair, coercive sex, didi going to be his own demise, BREAKUP/TIME SKIP NO this is BL hell, the rona is mentioned in this, ALL I WANT IS TO HEAR YOUR STORY WAHHHHHHHHHH also YES MY SHIP IS GOING TO SAIL I CAN FEEL IT, okay honestly frustrating a bit but also liked it yah 7-8/10, won’t re-read unless I’m looking for hurt though cause the comfort is BRIEF

Yarichin bitch bu

Tags: ongoing, reading because I watched this anime after seeing it mentioned in the comment section of -im-being-harassed-by-the-sexiest-man-of-the-year, anime was 2 eps a fucking wild the way this is uploaded SUCKS, no reality porn what plot rape-y ridiculous and now I need to read the source apparently haha, I need to know much more about yuri and blue hair guy ASAP (they have the spin off*adds to list*), high school setting, smut, studentsxstudents/teachers, photography club my ass, sex toys, kinky, crossdressing, gay awakening, unrequited love, jealousy, fake relationship, two faced people, OCD, COMEDY, rich people problems, hoarder, inferiority complex, one bed, toono is a dumbass in this love triangle or denial might be a better word, they are cousins my dude stop shipping it (I say to both toono and myself LOL), I wanna see Yuri’s face laksdjf;aldskf, vibrator #18 line is fucking iconic, yaguchi is about to get real interesting (BPD?), lies/manipulation, oh toono you sweet summer child, YURI i can’t wit chu, wait did he just punch the student because he won’t kiss him or???, dubcon/noncon obvs, finally my verse couple but they’re not a couple (yuri/tamu), they all care about each other is a weird way awwww, love confessions to pet vibrator scene are ICONIC MY DUDES I CAN NOTTT, lowkey living for Yuri’s drooling at this point, Jimi gives me such bad second hand embarrassment, Yuri the switch verse bb I’ve been looking for need more!, internalized homophobia, blackmail, MIDDLE FINGER IN THE AIR YAS KING, the heartbreak of ongoing/hasn’t been updated in years

Yarichin bitch bu dj wa

Tags: not completed I think, years old though, see above you know what it is, so cute omg, FIRST KISS AW, degradation kink?, MY VERSE COUPLE I’ve finally found you, biting, choking, rough sex, sex toys, they had fun together for another two hours DECEASED

Fucked by my Best Friend

Tags: ongoing, friends to lovers, body swap, Porn what plot, cannon threesomes in past maybe??(MFF for sure but MMF??), beach life, revenge, he became a HOT woman so honestly get over it, sloppy seconds, first off you’re both sluts second lmao this is going to be wild hm?, fellas is it gay if you kiss the homies, classic did you cum guy jfc, that’s how you get preg dumbass, ah the joys of being a woman /s assault in der clrub, *DEEP SIGH* @ you almost being raped turns me on, YES TURNING BACK DYING, gender has nothing to do with this LOL but true. Also yes cannon threesomes/orgies, googles frotting, mans like narrating playtime, intecurial sex public sex, lingerie, this is the closest thing to straight manga I’ve read hahaha, THE SCIENCE OMG FUCKING RIDIC :you need a mass amount of semen within you SURE JAN, possessive. Objectification, she trying to fuck without Shion LMAO, 34+35, do you think he’s on r/nofap, dry orgasm honestly impressed with mans rn ngl, spit as lube, anal fingering, just helping the homies find their prostate, bottom shaming (disappointed but not surprised), bis/gays in denial smh, question if he has a wet dream will he turn into a woman?, shirt thing, lol at female orgasm =anal in switcharoos mind, paging doc perv, shion is enjoying dressing up hm? Same dude, biggest reality gap is believing shion got admitted to a college HAHA, bad anatomy all over the place dude, rui is a dedicated exhibitionist, HE SO TIGHT BECAUSE THERES NO LUBE team no lube over here apparently not even a courtesy spit, yandere territory sort of?, Mayu with the dick wet comment is *chefs kiss*, THE HEARTBREAK OF ONGOING WAHHH I can’t believe I read all this but I can? 8/10 problematic possessive porn

[biiscione]

               INTRODUCTIONS: Panagiotis  &&  Konstantinos                  “ Κατα μανα κατα κυρη κατα γιο και θυγατερα                                        De tal palo tal astilla.                        The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. ”

***please check the end of post for tw/cw before continuing Background Panagiotis, preferably Panos, is of Greek and Armenian descent. His parents, formerly Greek nationals, immigrate to the United States after the birth of their first child, Jocasta, and it is in the Olympia, Washington that their son is born. His early childhood is happy though odd as he grows into two worlds: one of his revolutionary refugee parents exiled from their homeland and the other of American Suburbia. Death continuously alters his course, distorting a happy childhood into one of pain and suffering. Forced to live with his father’s brother and his wife in New Jersey, he endures abuses hurled at him until his late uncle’s death. Hardened and barely a teenager, he travels northward to the Big Apple. In Brooklyn he finds a way to make money, not in the most honest of ways, but hey, it keeps a roof over his head. While collecting rent for some big mucky - muck landlords in Bushwick, he ends up meeting who will be the mother of his son. She’s a few years old than he but just as calloused to the world. There time together is short - lived and a few months after Konnie is born, Panos is a single father. Strapped for cash and getting to know the truth of his parent’s past as anarchist revolutionaries, he endeavors to travel to his distant family in Macedonia where he then leaves his son and travels to Athens. Following in his father’s footsteps is quite easy and he takes to the streets just as he had to fight tyranny and fascism. This dreamlike sequence of valor ends with the death of a close friend, collateral damage to the volatile politics in Athens, and Panos’s own incarceration in his own failed attempt at a revenge killing. After serving his time, he returns to Macedonia to find his infant son already a smart, sensitive little boy. In a quarter-life crisis and realizing he needs to get his shit together for his son, he finds mercenary work in Central Asia and the Middle East.... and he hates it. There’s just something about assisting a private military organization stage de facto wars on resource - rich regions that didn’t sit right with him. So, after ensuring his payment, he throws a wrench or two into his employer’s plans and dips as fast as he can. He returns to Athens briefly, hoping to find permanent work that didn’t necessarily compromise his morality. A friend informs him of a mercenary job in Italy as a glorified bodyguard so he takes it upon himself to travel there with his son and what little money he has left. There’s nothing like an in-person interview, right? Panos lands the job working for a reclusive, wealthy man ( mostly on account of him being somewhat attractive and a single dad ) and the rest is history. Personality Abrasive and aggressive doesn’t necessarily mean bitter and unkind. He can be loud and a little too friendly at times ( a mask for his borderline - crippling anxiety and undiagnosed mood disorder ) but just chalk it up to his blended accent. Overtly sexual jokes and blunt questioning is meant to vet any weakness in the prospects of friendship, while also being a handy - dandy tool to be antisocial. He dislikes authority figures but as he ages, he tends to keep his cool as long as they leave him alone. While he airs less on the polite side of socializing, he does hold himself to a high moral code, nothing too chivalrous or anything, but he would defend another’s human rights with his very life. He’s loyal to a fault and has a hard time distancing himself from those he has grown fond of, even when their morals do not align with his own. Appearance He stands 6′ (give or take a half inch) with lax posture and lean frame. Tawny - colored hair, long - topped with a short undercut, is typically dressed in pomade and slicked back. He has blue eyes, icy or azure dependent on lighting. Olive - toned skin stays paled as he keeps away from the sun. Nose is shaped in the classic hellenic fashion, rather, it was . . . it’s been broken so many times that it sits crookedly upon his face, a bump breaking the Greek silhouette of his bridge. Full lips settle into a pout on his rarely expressionless face. His face is quite square, accentuated with a wide jaw. High cheekbones are accentuated not by makeup but tattoos, a broadsword along the hollow of one cheek. Misc. tattoos dress his arms and neck. A tattoo of a Roman/Sol Invictus diadem and ‘Κωνσταντῖνος’ along the crown’s band is on the left - side of his chest. Fingers are tattooed with anarchist and subtle anti - fascist symbols, blurred and faded with age. The juxtaposition of his rugged physical appearance with his bespoke wardrobe accentuates the starkness between his past life as a revolutionary and his quiet life as a mercenary/gun-for-hire. Notes ● is a devout member of the Greek Orthodox Church, despite his negative relationship with his priest uncle. ● avoids romantic and sexual relationships ● physical affection that he doesn’t initiate himself his wholly unwanted and is often violently rejected ● uh... heterosexual? sort of? ● loves to paint ppl, especially portraits ● thinks knives are pretty cool ● good at making things look like accidents Background Konstantinos, fondly Konnie, is American - born like his father and mother of Puerto-Rican and German descent but he doesn’t remember much of where he was born, his mother, and the apartment they lived in together. His earliest memory is of his father’s grandmother, the scars upon her flesh concluding stories she could not finish herself. In Macedonia, he has many mothers; though they remain faceless in his mind, they carry with them the same sweet scent of chrysanthemums. He does not recall his father being in his life till he’s just learning how to read and write, when he takes him away from the comfort of his many-mothers. As he grows, the gentle boy is troubled with this realization but cannot come to resent his father for his decision. He is whisked off to an unfamiliar place where unfamiliar people speak in an unfamiliar language. However, he is still young enough to teach, to mold, and he takes to this new language so easily that he almost forgets the tongue of his many-mothers. In his time in primary school, he earns the badge of polyglot. As he grows and becomes an acceptable age to be sent away, he is offered the chance to go to several prestigious boarding schools by his adoptive grandfather but, much to his relief, his father softly declines this generous offer. As he has been torn from comfort before, he holds the pain of the trauma of being taken from familiarity, causing him to be anxious and he is, although he excels in much that he does, unsure of himself, even at the tender age of eleven. He clings to his father and grandfather and the many people who work/reside upon his grandfather’s estate, for everyone there is gentle and keenly aware of his nervousness. Even now, at fifteen/sixteen, he still finds himself most comfortable in the quietest corners of his grandfather’s estate. Personality Those who are unfamiliar with him, especially extroverted adults, may find him, not shy, but haughty on account of his observant quietness and stature. He does not interact well with children his own age and, if he does find himself accepted into a friend group, he is the reserved listener. However, timidness is overshadowed by his morality, defending others valiantly and with a vulgarity that almost completely mirrors his father’s. Silence is complacency, his father taught him, and he is steadfast in his actions in the face of injustice and cruelty. Opposite his father, he is soft - spoken and educated in his speech. He is quite agreeable in mood and disposition though is considered “irregularly emotional” for a teenage boy by those stuck in the Old World. His emotional intelligence was nurtured by Panos, whose own emotional intelligence was stunted, and he is particularly empathetic and kind, with others and himself. Maybe that could get him in trouble later in life. Appearance At sixteen, he is 5′11 but looks taller with his stately posture and lean build. His face shape is much softer than his father’s with rounded jaw and fuller cheeks. He has his father’s full lips and his mother’s narrow, bowed - bridged and wide - tipped nose. Head is topped with light brown, tawny - tinted waves, hair long enough to curl around his ears, at the nape of his neck, and on his forehead. He has his father’s color-changing, light hues and they are further accentuated with his olive - toned skin that darkens easily in summer under an Italian sun. His attire is always shifting and evolving though always echoes the softness of his personality. Notes ● though raised in a Roman Catholic household, he is a practicing member of the Greek Orthodox church ● loves animals.... so much. often babysits his grandfather’s pet snakes (though he prefers the furry sorts) ● a casual art historian ● wants to be a mary wollstonecraft shelley historian when he gets older ● dad taught him how to shoot and he’s a very good marksman ● because his father constantly changes his own last name, panos and raphael agreed that konnie would take raphael’s, if not for stability, for social prestige

Shipping p: it’s rare that there’s chemistry for a sexual/romantic ship but i’m pretty open to trying! love enemy ships for him tho! k: no sexual/romantic ships since i’ll play him as a minor both: platonic and familial ships, ftw Selectivity/Activity p: always active/ will interact with everyone and anyone k: quite finicky/ will interact with anyone ***Trigger Warnings talk of: physical, mental, and sexual abuse, violence, death, graphic sex, death, mental illness, disordered eating, anxiety, weapons actions: physical and emotional violence, murder, body horror, disordered eating, weapons (guns and knives) Panos’ childhood was full of abuse: mental, physical, and sexual. I won’t bring up specifics in my writings unless prompted and will tag them accordingly. Panos does engage in a lot of violence and uses violent language. Panos suffers from disordered eating and a mood disorder, the earlier shown in less than subtle ways. Konnie has generalized anxiety. If any of these things are a serious problem, message me and I’ll be sure to constantly tag them. If you find yourself overwhelmed or know you will be, please don’t be afraid to soft block. I really wouldn’t mind.

[datleggy]

I had this really sad thought. Losing the firefam made buck into the cold soldier he wasn't able to be for the seals. Like our usual bright unabashedly expressive Buck really changed that much because of it all huh? I haven't read you're story yet I'm a scared hypocrite that avoids wip but has a few myself that are open. Can't wait to read it when it's done because the premise is awesome - sincerely a not so secret fan and wannabe friend lol :)

i posted a couple of sneak peeks but no actual chapters yet, specifically bc i wanna post it all at once after it’s officially finished bc having loooong wip (like more than a two parter) makes me too anxious tbh

BUT YES broken hearted buck ftw

[thezodiaczone]

July Forecast for Virgo

Make the rounds, Virgo! For the first three weeks of July, you’re in social butterfly mode. Dress up and see friends, go to parties and catch up with your social circles. The Sun is in Cancer and your outgoing eleventh house until July 22, heating up teamwork and technology. Connect with like-minded people, both virtually and in person, and combine your superpowers FTW. Get a digital project underway or spruce up your online presence.

The energy runs high this month because we’ve entered eclipse season again. Two of this summer’s three eclipses arrive on July 12 and 27, bringing boldfaced changes and turning points. Eclipses sweep in four to six times a year and remove anything that’s past its expiration date, flinging open the doors for a fresh start.

And on July 10, expansive Jupiter ends a four-month retrograde slowdown in Scorpio, igniting your third house of communication and local affairs. A savvy idea or creative collabo that got back-burnered this spring could pick up speed now. Bountiful Jupiter is visiting Scorpio from October 10, 2017, until November 8, 2018, a transit that only happens every 12 years. During this time, you’ve opened up to new friendships and hopefully become much more laid-back about going with the flow rather than rigidly planning (and then micromanaging) every last detail. With globetrotting Jupiter visiting your third house of community, many Virgos searched for new neighborhoods to work and hang out in.

In November, Jupiter will start a yearlong visit to Sagittarius and your fourth house of home, which could see you relocating or settling into a more permanent address. Until then, you might embrace the boho life and enjoy a nomadic summer. One Virgo friend of ours just signed up for a service called Trusted Housesitters, paying a small annual fee to couch-surf the world while she figures out her next permanent address. Considering a move? Hop around to some Airbnbs and experiment with daily life in locations you’re considering. This is the time to “try before you buy.”

On July 12, a partial solar (new moon) eclipse lands in Cancer, igniting your eleventh house of groups and digital ventures. Solar eclipses mark bold beginnings and can set us on a whole new (and unexpected) path. This is the inaugural eclipse in a series that will fall on the Cancer/Capricorn axis between now and July 2020 and initiate a wave of changes around your romantic relationships, friendships, creativity and online presence. Your social network and love life could look dramatically different over the next couple years. Ready to be “Internet famous”? You could link up with some trailblazing influencers or have an out-of-the-box idea that goes viral. The eleventh house rules the airwaves, from television and radio to the digisphere, and you could find yourself using any of these mediums to spread your message. Some Virgos will step into leadership roles as social justice frontrunners, a la your signmate, civil rights activist Shaun King.

This is the only eclipse from this group in 2018, and it’s a preview of changes that will really take flight in 2019. Still, it will be an intense start! On July 12, the Sun and new moon are exactly opposite power-tripping Pluto in Capricorn and your dramatic fifth house. Any eclipse-driven changes could be met with resistance from a jealous diva type who doesn’t like sharing the spotlight. Does someone in your life always seems to create chaos the minute the attention isn’t all on them? (Yeah, that person.) The annual Sun-Pluto opposition brings out people’s unconscious “shadow” side, provoking egos and domineering behavior. Paired with an eclipse, that can be heightened. Distance yourself from drama queens today and leave the online trolls alone, (especially!) if they push your buttons.

Ready for an escape? Take a respite from all of it on July 22, when the Sun slips into Leo and your restful twelfth house, kicking off a month of healing and completions. Tie up loose ends before Virgo season starts on August 23. You may feel sleepier than usual and simply not up for big crowds or energetically demanding projects. Conserve your energy and ramp up the self-care.

You’ll really want to keep those boundaries firm starting July 26, when your ruling planet Mercury nosedives into a signal-jamming retrograde until August 19, which can muck up technology, communication and transportation. Trains run late, phones and laptops die mysteriously, and people wildly misunderstand one another. Mercury will be retrograde in Leo and your foggy twelfth house, potentially creating a minefield of confusion and passive-aggressive behavior. Trying to get a straight answer out of anyone will be an exercise in futility.

Retrogrades ARE good for resolving issues from the past and reconnecting with people from “back in the day.” With Mercury reversing through your twelfth house of closure, you’ll especially enjoy nostalgic trips down memory lane. Look through old photos, visit elderly relatives or pick up a cast-aside project or hobby like playing an instrument or crafting. If you have some forgiveness work to do, this is a good time to process painful emotions that you’ve kept bottled up for so long, possibly with the help of a therapist or healer. The twelfth house rules the subconscious, so don’t be surprised if your sleep is interrupted by some vivid dreams or visitations from departed loved ones.

Also retrograde from June 26 until August 27 is energy planet Mars, which can further sap your already-depleted batteries. Until August 11, Mars is backing through Aquarius and your sixth house of health and organization. Even Virgos who are consummate planners could find it hard to keep on top of everything. Stressful Mars in this anxious zone can ramp up the tension, avoid multitasking or taking on projects that are sure to fatigue you. You could end up with a summer cold or burnt-out from exhaustion. Pace yourself and book plenty of healing appointments—and don’t forget to eat regularly (and healthfully!) to keep your blood sugar levels steady. Mars retrograde can make people accident-prone. Cut distractions—especially while commuting—and triple-check your work. If you’re physically active, know your limits so you can avoid any sports-related injuries.

One huge spotlight day around your wellbeing arrives on July 27, when a total lunar (full moon) eclipse lands in Aquarius, with Mars running neck and neck. You could make a sweeping lifestyle change, switching up your daily routines or eating or fitness habits, or dramatically exiting a confining and stressful scenario. Since the sixth house rules employees and delegating, you might cut ties with a service provider or majorly upgrade the people on Team Virgo. You could also reach a breaking point—probably a necessary one—wherever you’ve made sacrifices that aren’t in your own best interest or tried to control a situation in vain. Enough!

In our opinion, lunar eclipses feel more radical than solar ones, because full moons bring endings, transitions and full-circle events. This is the final Aquarius eclipse in a series that’s been touching down on the Leo/Aquarius axis since February 2017 and revolutionizing your approach to health and helping you find the right balance between control and surrender. Look back to the prior two Aquarius eclipses on August 7, 2017, and February 15, 2018, for clues of what might fully come together now. There will be one last Leo eclipse on January 21, 2019, which will close this chapter. Between now and then, continue releasing situations that don’t serve your highest good.

Love & Romance

You may have to work a little harder to find those lovin’ feelings this month. Aggro Mars is retrograde from June 26 to August 27, and until August 12 it’s in Aquarius and your nitpicking sixth house. This can drive up the tension and cause you or your partner—or both of you—to take the stress out on the other. It’ll be way easier to find fault than love, but hopefully forewarned is forearmed! When you slip into an anxious state or catch yourself overanalyzing every little thing, step back and look at things from a broader perspective. And definitely refrain from trying to “fix” a relationship or partner. Once Mars straightens out, things might sort themselves naturally, or you’ll be calm enough to discuss it like two civil humans who can give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Meanwhile, on the other side of your chart, Venus is in big-hearted Leo and your fantasy-fueled twelfth house until July 9. You might have a pair of rose-colored glasses permanently affixed to your face, giving everything a pink glow. This COULD be your idealist side poking through—or an unconscious urge to escape present reality. Either way, it’s a distortion, so strive to bring more awareness to your conversations and actions.

On July 9, Venus makes her annual entrance in your sign, restoring your groove in a big way! You’ll be in your sensual element, clear(er)-eyed and eager to bring a relationship onto terra firma. You’ll also be in a better position to make wise decisions, though with Mars still trying to micromanage things, you may feel an internal tug-of-war going on.

Venus will form flowing trines to innovative Uranus (July 11), structured Saturn (July 14) and transformational Pluto (July 27), all in thrill-seeking and fiery parts of your chart. The Venus-Uranus mashup gives you the long-range vision to see past the hurdles and identify potential opportunities where others only see the roadblocks. And when Venus connects to Saturn and Pluto, both in grounded Capricorn and your amorous fifth house, you’ll acquire the rare talent of being able to incorporate adventure and passion without destabilizing your life.

Key Dates

July 14: Venus-Saturn Trine With beautifying Venus in Virgo making a harmonious angle to “make it happen” Saturn, this might be the day you nail down some specific—and stimulating—plans for your shared future. Single? Treat your love life like any other project and commit to actions that will get you the results you desire. That could mean working with a love coach, downloading a new dating app or signing up for hobbies where you’ll meet like-minded people. Sure, it’s great to let Cupid work his magic, but if you throw him a bone, he’ll work that much harder.

Money & Career

Disorder in the Virgo court? It could be hard to stay on top of all the moving parts in your life now, as energizer Mars spends the whole month retrograde (backward) in Aquarius and your sixth house of organization and helpful people. You might need to revamp or upgrade some of your systems, especially ones that are outdated. But easy does it—FIVE planets will be retrograde at various points in July: expansive Jupiter (until July 10), communicator Mercury (July 26 to August 19), and all month, Mars, structured Saturn, foggy Neptune and strategic Pluto. Even if you want to rush into something, you’ll be forced to perform all the cross-checks and avoid cutting corners.

Mars retrograde could bring some upheaval to Team Virgo, especially when it joins up with the July 27 total lunar eclipse, a day that could see the sudden entrance or exit of a key person. You might just declutter in a way that makes Marie Kondo look slovenly. With all this activity in your micromanaging sixth house, you might be tempted to cling more tightly instead of let go. Note that this lunar eclipse could make your resistance futile, and struggling to fight the flow will only serve to drive you batty. Give up control of the wheel, Virgo, and let the universe drive.

One area of life that can go swimmingly now is networking. With lucky Jupiter powering forward in your synergistic third house on July 10 and an opportune Cancer solar eclipse igniting your groups sector on July 12, some vibrant and helpful people will enter your sphere. Get out and share your ideas with kindred spirits and interested supporters. The right people could clamor to collaborate. And while you’ll want to pick those players wisely—especially after Mercury turns retrograde on July 26—it’s a great month to take applications and vet all interested supporters.

Caution: Anything you launch is meant to be a joint effort, so if someone seems bent on making it all about them, steer clear. On the flip side, if you happen to be the creative force or “star” of this project, don’t be SO democratic that you give away undue credit. You deserve to see your name in lights for all your hard work!

Key Dates

July 12: Sun-Pluto Opposition Don’t provoke someone just to get a reaction out of them. That’s a recipe for a major disaster, and you don’t have time for games like that. If you’re not happy with the way your interaction is going today, table discussions for another time.

Love Days: 25, 30 Money Days: 10, 18 Luck Days: 8, 16 Off Days: 6, 14, 27

[ofmcrgots-blog]

hi bbs !! i’m seven, twenty-one, and i go by either she/her or she/they, it’s all a matter of the day. i also probably won’t be in the discord chat bc ooc blogs and such make me really anxious, but i wanted to get my intro out there for you guys to read over so we can get into plotting !! margot is a new oc of mine, and i’ve been thinking of how to play her pretty much since i applied last night, but i really hope that you like her !! i’m already going to disclaim that this is probably going to get long, but here’s your regularly scheduled programming !!

BACKGROUND

margot grace baldwin was born to nathalie and sebastian baldwin in annapolis, maryland. her mother works as a political science professor at the university of maryland, annapolis and her father works at the pentagon as a strategist. margot’s middle name comes from her mother’s love of grace kelly. her family isn’t very wealthy, but they were definitely upper middle class. being an only child, margot was given pretty much whatever she wanted, even though she didn’t ask for much.

she grew up in annapolis her entire life, and she even thought that she was going to stay. when in high school, margot had her bouts of insecurity like anyone else, mostly due to acne and being in that weird state of neither tall nor short. her style sucked, and her hair? was always in a bun or some terrible hairstyle. 

growing up, though, her parents wanted her to go into politics of some kind, but margot never liked the idea of politics. she can barely stand to watch it on the news, so working in it was not a good idea. so you could only guess their slight disappointment when she was accepted to wesleyan university and decided to major in elementary education and minor in english. 

once she graduated, margot spent a year teaching as a part of teach for america, where she taught in california at an undeveloped school. following that, she moved to tallow where she accepted the position as a kindergarten teacher.

she absolutely adores it because she loves little babies and teaching them all the fundamental things that they need to know ! 

she’s the teacher who loves dressing up as book characters to get the kids excited, and she likes to actually run around with them on the playground. it’s safe to say that margot really loves her job and cant wait to have her own children !

was named teacher of the year at one point !

even though her parents weren’t entirely happy that she chose to be a teacher, they respected her decision and are proud of her for what she’s accomplished. 

she’s been living in tallow for two years now, and she stays in a cute little two bedroom house that’s just big enough for herself and her little office. girl boss ftw.

PERSONALITY

margot is described as ebullient and seraphic primarily because she’s as gentle as they come ! she’s rather peaceful and she’s nice to pretty much everyone that she comes across. she’s careful and she tends to avoid confrontation as much as she possibly can.

however, margot is also described as expedient and submissive because she tends to want to find solutions so quickly that she sometimes doesn’t really think it through. she hides from confrontation so much that she’s willing to just give in to whatever in order to avoid it -- why do you think her skin is so clear? because she’s not #stressed from arguing.

margot, by all definition, is the literal walking and breathing personification of the pristine and the benevolent. she’s a little naive at times, and she has a habit of getting bleary eyed when things don’t go her way. 

in all honesty, margot has only ever had one serious relationship, and it was more than likely with someone from college. their relationship was a good one for a while, but the closer that they got to graduation, the more they realized that they probably wouldn’t be together afterwards. their relationship ended a few weeks before he moved away to georgia for work, and margot wanted to go off to california.

is feminist af and attends as many marches as she possibly can.

CONNECTIONS

um? i used to make a full page of connections and song plots, but no one ever read it or paid attention to it so i stopped doing them? nonetheless, i’m down for literally whatever kind of plot, but if you’re more comfortable with deciding based on chemistry then that’s an option as well ! some connections that i would like to have though, are:

best friends

frenemies

rivals

failed relationship

friends with benefits

unrequited crushes

any kind of song plot !

ex best friends

ex friends with benefits

ex boyfriend

girl squad !!!

[princeyandanxiety]

Persephone: Anxiety and Prince! Dark prince yandereness (sorta) ftw!

Persephone: Person A is held prisoner by person B

AU where Prince is more JD than anyone gave him credit for.

I have never written a character like this so I hope he was yandere enough for you dude! Sorry for the wait!

Anxiety had never felt more anxious, as ironic as that was. He had never thought of Prince as the type to do something like this. And yet here he was. Stuck in prince’s room. Tied to his bed.

He hadn’t thought anything of it and Prince invited him into his bedroom to watch Disney movies. But then he had fallen asleep. And woken up to his legs tied to the foot of the bed. That was when he realised what Prince’s plan was all along.

He vaguely wondered why Logic and Morality didn’t try to find him. After all he was kind is important, and he was pretty sure he had a panic attack that set Thomas off as well. It couldn’t have been that Prince was keeping them busy, because Prince was with him most of the time. Acting strangely in a way that Anxiety had never thought him capable of.

Anxiety thought Morality had no sense personal space. Currently Prince was sitting - no - straddling him, and trying to feed him. Anxiety tried not to think about how he probably looked like a dribbling child. But Prince was smiling adoringly at him, even as he held out the forkful of pasta for Anxiety to eat.

“Why are you keeping me here, Roman?” Anxiety asked, trying to avoid his gaze. “You could see me anytime you wanted anyway, why take me to your room and tie me up and do this?” His hands were shaking, but out of sight of Prince. His lungs felt ever so-slightly tight, and he could feel something akin to a panic attack creeping up on him.

But something held it back. Something inside of him recognised that this was not the time for panicking, or he would find himself in a worse situation. It was the base instinct that he had, deep and primal and centered firmly in who he was, that was stopping the wave that threatened to overrun him. The fact that he wanted to get out and something inside of would never be able to get free if he panicked now.

“I had to claim you,” Prince cooed, trailing a finger along Anxiety’s jaw. “You were meant to be mine.”

[rachelerobfit]

IRONMAN Texas 2017: Not a Race Report

This past Saturday was Ironman Texas. It would have been my first IRONMAN distance triathlon and the culmination of 5 months of training. Exactly one week to race day I had a bike wreck leaving me with multiple fractures in my pelvis and a fractured rib FTW. I swerved to avoid hitting fresh road kill when my front wheel found a large seam in the road. I tried to regain control of my bike, but it wasn’t in the stars. Texas road kill: 1, Rachele: 0. I was told it was epic (Don’t half-ass anything. Always full ass, always.) with the feet way up in the air, sending my head and right side crashing down into the ground. I was not going to be racing IMTX on April 22nd. It wasn’t only bone-breaking but so terribly soul-crushing. As I sat in the emergency department I thought of ways that I could make it happen (it’s really good I didn’t as I would have been easily destroyed within the first few hundred yards of the swim with a kick to the ribs or any part of the body). All my ducks were in a row. I had my transition and special needs bags packed, hotels booked, dog-sitter arranged, sherpa in order, and family in-bound from New York, Los Angeles and Chicago. Because my family rocks, they still came out to spend time with me. Through this whole ordeal my Powerhouse Racing tribe have been so incredibly awesome. So many people reached out in person, text, social media…every outlet possible, and have gone above and beyond any expectation. It has certainly helped to numb some of the physical and emotional pain. 

 My family and I still planned to head up to The Woodlands to cheer on the athletes but more importantly I wanted to be there to support my teammates as they have supported me.

The days leading up to race day were a bit emotional. I was touch and go for a bit, waxing and waning between anger, sadness, relief (that I wasn’t hurt more).  I received even more gestures and messages from everyone. A few seriously made me laugh (it was painful but I laughed my ass off on the inside). I went to Powerhouse Racing for a massage with Lisa. I had no idea that Bobby and Michael along with JZ and Mel and planned a little surprise celebration. Bobby ordered the most spectacularly disgusting but awesome cake: red velvet topped with fresh road-kill (made of rice crispy treats). I love his sense of humor. He gets me. He really gets me. Bobby has been key in keeping my bike together during training. He’s been an ear to listen and a has shared a wealth of knowledge and experience in triathlon.

 Ugh! Being immobile makes time…slow...down. These last few weeks before I wrecked were going by so fast. I was nervous about my training. I was worried that I wasn’t ready. I was worried that I hadn’t trained enough. But I was assured by the best, that I was (ready). I did the training. I checked all of the boxes…well majority of them. You see, with Yarzy as your coach you make sure you do the work. I purposely chose Jim because of his personality. I needed someone that would hold my feet to the fire and more importantly call me out on my own bullshit. I knew he wouldn’t be afraid to tell me (when needed) that I was full of shit…and he wasn’t…and he did! He said I was ready. And I was.

 Over the past few weeks I had my race strategy and race day nutrition playing in a loop in my head. In my mind I saved visuals of my T1, T2, and special needs bags. Exiting the water, getting on the bike, and wrapping up the run. I visualized running down the chute and hearing…well…you know.

 It was Thursday. I had planned on heading up to The Woodlands today to athlete check-in and to do all the things I needed to do before race day. Instead I just lounged around locally. I made myself stay active/limber as the Ohana were in town. We ran some errands, went shopping, Mike took a few on them to tour the NASA Super Guppy. We stayed in rest of the day, binged Scandal and played some maj-jhong. All the while in my head I kept saying by now I would’ve been through athlete check-in…by now I would’ve been to the athlete briefing…by now I would’ve (insert IRONMAN activity here). I got some great messages throughout the day from fellow athletes. They were all nice and heartfelt wishing me well. Steven said, “you will cross the finish line”. He would race with my initials on his m-dot on race day. Dustin said (regarding my crash), “…it was pretty gnarly. You caught some big air. I would’ve been crying like a baby…you’re a champ…easily the baddest bitch I know!”. Ceseilia added “RR” decals on her race helmet. This was cool because although we didn’t really get the chance to train together, we still trained together (and our IRONSHERPA were bonded). Then Johnny posted that he’d dedicate his race to me. That got the waterworks going. I know that JZ had some unfinished business of his own at Texas so this wasn’t ‘just an IRONMAN’ for him. This gesture was pretty amazing and I just can’t thank him enough for this.

Throughout the day I was trying to stay of social media because while I was happy for my teammates, it stung a little. I thought I should be in that water for practice swim. I want to go to lunch with the crew at Chipotle. I want to see my name at the Lulu store. I want pictures of me at bike drop. I want my IMTX swag and a coolio bracelet. The family and Mike did an awesome job of keeping me occupied as I clearly had a case of the FOMO.

It was getting late and again my thoughts wandered… if I WERE racing, I needed to be in bed…like yesterday. After a few rounds of schooling Mike at maj-jhong I finally hit the rack…and/or the meds were kicking in. If I didn’t get horizontal soon I’d have kanji imprinted on my forehead. It was going to be a long day tomorrow- it’s IRONMAN.  

Per usual, my body clock wakes me up at around 4-4:30am. Like a meth-head I opened my phone to Facebook. I wanted to send some final well wishes to my teammates and see what was going on. Instead I opened up to the group page with Ana and JT in bodymarking, scribing “R4R” (Race for Rachele) on my teammate’s arms. Que the tears. Ohhh-emmmmm-gheeeee! I wanted nothing more than to race along side all of them. Obviously I couldn’t so this was the second best thing. Ana and JT, your enthusiasm for triathlon and our tribe is palpable and contagious. Don’t stop.

We make our way up to The Woodlands and all those previous thoughts and emotions were stirring. Here I was broken, headed to a race I had trained for over the past five months. I didn’t know how I was going to feel about being on the side-lines. I vented to Michael on the drive up and was quickly reminded that I was going up there to give just as much, if not more support than I’ve received. ‘Nuff said.

The energy at IRONMAN Texas is unreal. We got up there in time to see almost all of Powerhouse at some point starting out or already on the run course. JZ was the first Powerhouse athlete Mike and I saw. He was wrapping up his first loop. He was in the hurt locker for sure. He stopped to for a quick fist bump and he moving. FINALLY got to the tent. You can imagine my pace moving from the parking garage to the tent, scooting me and my little walker along. There has to be a way to rig that thing to go faster. Aero bars, race wheels…something. I’ll have to get with Bobby and JZ on that. I knew I wasn’t going to last very long as I was in a bit of pain, but it felt great to be there. It was the first IRONMAN event that my family had been to and I think they were pumped and are ready for more! I wanted to at least see our athletes once on the course. I stood up to hi-five as runners made their way through the “gauntlet”. As they were hi-fiving back I felt more and more pain through the fractured rib. I tried switching to the other side but most people are right-handed. Whatever… it was worth seeing them all come through, most with smiles on their faces. It was also nice to get hugs (even the schweaty ones) from our athletes and even words of encouragement from them…FROM THEM! They were the ones racing but were giving me love! How freaking awesome is this Powerhouse Racing tribe?!!! By now some of our athletes were through the finish line, new or renewed IRONMAN or on their way. It was time to say good night. Mike was anxious about me coming out and being out on my feet for as long as I was, and with good reason.

The following day Johnny organized a gathering at a Boondoggles. My cousin who came in from NYC, is a runner and dipping into the triathlon world accompanied us. On the ride to the pub he was asking about Powerhouse Racing and what sets it apart from other groups in the area, what was the formula in having almost a spot-on completion rate our athletes. I couldn’t quite explain or put it into concise words. Obviously anyone can write a plan, hand it off to an athlete and be on their way. But that’s not how it’s done at the Powerhouse. Anyone can calculate paces and set training zones for athletes. That’s easy. There’s an app for that. But again, that’s not how it’s done at the Powerhouse. Johnny has definitely set himself and the Powerhouse apart from the rest. Johnny and Melanie, and all the coaches truly have a vested interest and want to see our athletes progress through their training, reach their race goals and finish strong. From a super sprint to IRONMAN distances, it’s no different. Everyone is an athlete and everyone crosses the finish line (Melanie will come find you!). JZ knew what I put into training and how excited I was to do IRONMAN Texas, and he knew how devastated I was not to be able to race. Yesterday at the pub he recognized this and “loaned” me his 2017 IRONMAN Texas finishers medal. He said it was just on loan to me until I finished my IRONMAN. I still don’t think I am doing a good job at putting into words what sets Powerhouse apart. But this. All of these gestures from all of these great athletes and coaches. Putting others first. Humility. Humbleness.

 I didn’t cross the finish line at IRONMAN Texas. I didn’t even get to start. But had it not been for my tribe, I wouldn’t have even made it this far. From Tammy running with me and being a great motivator on many occasions when she didn’t have to, to the Powerhouse family in the neighborhood (Tammy, Richain, Todd & Ceseilia) setting up aid stations when I did my long run, to Steven finding me on said long run to give me a ‘CAW-CAAAWW’, to the chats with Jason (WtGB), Bobby, Brice, Coach Mel, Coach Russ, to Natalie and Thea, Nicole, Lisa fixing me and trying to keep me together until race day. It sucks that I’ll have to start over, but I wouldn’t do it again with anyone else. I don’t know what the rest of the 2017 season has in store for me. I am hopeful to be able to race and am also hoping to still complete an  IRONMAN before the year is out.

[idk-ilikecinnamon-blog]

i hope you're doing alright and getting better from your flu,, i miss you~

lil flower, quite messy answer it is. u r very nice, so nice u r, hun

My dear lil flower! Ah. Miss lya. U know i was just going to write ong essay via Ask about everything but it will be easier to do it here, n i have a lot to say.

 First thing first. M sorry, honey. Ive been off tumblr cuz ive been shy, n anxious, n stuff. Yea, i had allergies too, n that damn flu, that only added to my low mood and insecurity. And grieving hit me hard, im like that, kinda late with responding to anything. And m sorry bc this is not even what i wanted to talk about to u, bc i want t talk bout other things, but guess what im not even good at talkin in my first language, huh. Like two days ago i was so hyped bc i wanted to write to u bout that stupid dream where character from Naruto was boosting my self-confidence and praising my? dolce&gabana? fashion? like ftw. Yet i didnt write anything cuz i got very i shy bc i felt like i was not giving u space like

 i kno this sounds Weird bc its internet,  internet is spacious and all, but yea. Ah, rant, sorry. Um. Ah, btw, forgot my tumblr pass aGAIn n was feelin too anxious to do anything bout it, idk. 

And today i woke up n thought bout u, nd told myself – today s the day im gonna fight myself n win, cuz i was about to write to u loooong randomstory bout my other dream (which included Ramzes, swaggy tangerines with sunglasses, n killer fingernail), (bc i thought it would made u smile maybe) but yea. and 

THEN i thought bout flowers, n then saw something, i dont remember, commercial in tv maybe? N there were pot marigolds there, so i thought bout u, thought bout myself being coward n avoiding lookin at the moon, bc im obviously back to Not Good Dealin With My Feelings phase, n i feel like i could pass as fanfic character. But thats not what i was bout to say. So. Pot marigolds. Thought bout u, Lil Flower. So yea, after brainstorming n doing things with passw problem, i logged in n I saW Message from you n my? Heart? Melted? A lil (like. a lot) (???) n thats why this answer is rly rly messsy, cuz im bein emotional rn. Ah, i mentioned earlier that i have a lot to write to u about, n thats true. I want to write bout ur writting (and bout writting in general, i rly like the topic but man writing bout writing is hard), and bout how nice u are, n bout how u already helped me, n u r nice!, and there is this problem it is goin to take some time cuz i rl y want to write what I truuuly think, and its not easy, bc its hard even using my mother tongue, eh. N m not good at expressing myself. So yea, that was long answer, oh,flower, tell me pls u get anything from this rant, m goin to writ e more, wait for it, now need to find charger, and my ability(??) to create text based on some logic or smth.