#antigone funn means the world to me.

[loverboybrightsideghost]

my beautiful socially awkward wife <333

[marvanne111]

moments I love in "Tempting Fête"

"I can only read what I've got written down, Mr. Funt." "Councilor Funt! -Funn, Councilor Funn."

the fact that it's been 11 years of this Funn/ Funt debate (alternatively, that both the reverend and the mayor have addressed him properly the last three episodes and seemed to have no problem with it)

"Yes, well, I'll see what I'm doing that day" -leading the funeral, one would hope?

underrated bit of the series in general: cell service only being available in the reverend's bathroom

"I think he's quite dishy" (this scratches such an itch in my brain; I quote it once a week)

the mayor and reverend (who will be dating by the end of the episode) agreeing emphatically with the above statement

the reverend wearing eye shadow! (incredible, show stopping, spectacular, never been seen before)

"It was one mouse! and, and I don't know anything about it"

"All opposed?" "... I mean, I'd say opposed is a strong word-" "Done! Carried unanimously!"; "All opposed? "I, uh-" "Overruled! Motion carried!"

"We already have an identity: it's miserable and it works." (i want this on a t-shirt)

"There hasn't been a fête for eleven years." "Astonishing. Who's in charge of local events?" "Rudyard." "Ah."

"Look, it's easy to throw money around and get excited about rustic dancing, but we've got-" "I'LL SAY IT IS!"

"His world had once again become an increasingly scary place. There was only one thing left to do..." "Georgie?" "Yeah?" "We're emigrating."; "It was time for swift and decisive action, and there was only one place to head for: Reverend Wavering's bathroom"; at the funeral I was able to witness Rudyard, bereft of Reverend and with few attendees, deliver a stirring and entirely improvised speech about the circuities of fate, the struggles of discord, and an intractable acceptance of the way the cookie crumbles, a sermon that moved the late Basil Corbett’s niece to say, quite simply:" "We want our money back" (some really fantastic narration moments in this one that make me giggle every time)

Rudyard including Madeleine in the emigration plans is said so sweetly and it honestly makes me a little soft

"One word: Chapman." "I should return his calls-" "Chapman?" "- probably won't, though"

"Rudyard, other people do those things for you!" "Conscription?" "Volunteering!"

"I, I, I do like spreadsheets!"

(No Madeleine, I hate raffles!") (these posts are always so Rudyard-centric lol and it's helped me come to the conclusion that he really is the funniest)

"Do you know how many gallons of fluid I'll have to drain from a man that size? Possibly thousands!" "What a ridiculous lie!" (this is another one that I quote often lol)

"I wish I were Mrs. Carnegie!" "You will be, Mrs, Turner. You will be." (WHAT IS THIS RESPONSE?!)

"Fancy a funeral?" "That a threat?"; "Don't forget your funeral." "Was that a threat?"

"Socializing? That'd take up ten minutes and then what would they do? No. Perpetual scheduled activity, that's the way."

"Put some clothes on!" "IT'S MY HOUSE!"

"Antigone?" "What?!" "Helicopters!" "Go back to your side of the table."

"Now get over there and sabotage something!" "*sigh* Fine." "Do you really think that's going to help?" "Oh maybe not, but it'll cheer me up."

"Called up the family, made up a story about... well, re-organizing a fête, that sort of thing." "How did they react?" "Well, they weren't very happy..." "But?" "No, that's it, they weren't very happy."

"You know, I can actually see your future." "Oh yes?" "Mmm hmm. And it involves this crystal ball getting shoved STRAIGHT up your-"

"Alright sir! Mission accomplissshhhhed." "Hello, Georgie." "Hello..." "Get out, Georgie." "Goodbye..."

The Mayor trying to rustic dance for a couple of hours before giving up

Lady Templar's glass eye. (That's it. That's the post.)

"He'd be spinning in the grave you haven't put him in yet!" (best line of the episode honestly)

"What a dreadful little man!" "Yes... mind you, he looks good in a suit"

"Even in a crowd, they all look lonely" (🤌🤌🤌)

"Can't win 'em all" 'Winning anything at all would be a nice change." (also want this on a t-shirt)

"You like to be the hero, don't ya?" (Georgie's the GOAT)

"Rudyard. Do you know what this chap did?" "Yes, he told me" (my man is already so tired of Eric lol)

[hephaestuscrew]

I've been thinking about how Rudyard will react to finding out about Madeleine's books.

I reckon he starts out being furious that she's been using Funn Funerals for content and giving away their secrets and not always painting them in a very flattering light.

He gives her a telling off, then sits there reading the book and tutting very loudly.

But then he starts noticing parts where she talks about him fondly or expresses her concern for his wellbeing, and he gets quiet and full of emotions like he did at the end of The Big Cheese.

And after that he becomes the number one fan of Memoirs of a Funeral House Mouse.

He tries to force everyone he meets to buy it, demands that every shop on Piffling stock it (Agatha Doyle and Petunia Bloom both protest that they don't sell books and he is completely outraged), and calls up reviewers to threaten them for not giving it 5 stars.

Funn Funerals gets signs in the window saying 'the inspiration behind bestselling series Memoirs of a Funeral House Mouse' and 'home of award-winning author Madeleine'.

(Madeleine points out she hasn't won any awards but Rudyard declares that it's only a matter of time).

[monstersqueen]

Rudyard Funn and the bloodthirsty mob

alternatively : Antigone Funn and the hoodlums

(aka, wooden overcoats, s1e7, "The Cliffhanger")

Well, Chapman in the opening scene would go along very well with some of TMA monsters and avatars. Like, i swear he was stealing nikola's vibe.

RUDYARD: “For Georgie, with fondest wishes... Chapman!” Siding with the enemy are we? Et tu, Georgie? GEORGIE: Don't be stupid, sir! He makes my skin crawl. RUDYARD: So why's he sending you flowers? Riddle me that, Georgie! GEORGIE: Because he won’t take apathy for an answer. He thought “rescuing” me from drowning was a tender moment. RUDYARD: But you elbowed him in the face. GEORGIE: He thought all seven times were accidents. RUDYARD: That does it. It’s high time we sorted out the Chapman conundrum once and for all.

Before anyone starts thinking of Rudyard too highly, 1) sorting out the Chapman conundrum is something he tries to do every episode and 2) what's actually breaking the camel's back, here, is not Chapman's inability to take a hint or seven and borderline harrassment of his employee/almost friend; not, it's the flower invasion. if the flowers had been sent at georgie's home, he wouldn't care. (ah, he might. might.)

Still, endearing.

GEORGIE: You mean kill him? RUDYARD: The next best thing! We get a rhinoceros, a really hungry one, and set it loose at his next funeral. Masterful! GEORGIE: No! That won’t work. RUDYARD: Why not? You can nab us a rhino from somewhere. GEORGIE: Well yes – I’m great at acquiring rhinos – but that’s not the point.

I'd like to point out last time antigone suggested cyanure (though who should ingest it was unclear). Here, georgie is the one suggesting murder. Like, i want to be real clear than no matter how unpleasant and petty (and outright ridiculous ? rhino ?) Rudyard is, murder is. simply not in his considerations.

anyway the next scene with antigone is amazing :

chapman will train the rhino to give rides to children. georgie's right

they keep ignoring antigone.

rudyard somehow already forgot anitgoen's weekly movie night

"yes, but none of it helped" because rudyard is. somewhat single-track minded.

GEORGIE: And we won a trunk full of raunchy books. RUDYARD: That man doesn’t know what he’s missing.

Hmm. Later seasons rudyard give such a strong aro vibe that i dont think he would say that.

RUDYARD: Never mind; I do! He'll be run out of the village- FRONT DOOR OPENS, BELL TINKLES. STILL RAINING. MAYOR: We’re very nearly a town! RUDYARD: Yes, your worship. MAYOR: Carry on! FRONT DOOR CLOSES. BELL TINKLES

lol

Antigone! Have you seen the camera? Antigone? Where does that woman get to when you actually want her?

i want it known, as much as i love rudyard, were he MY twin brother i would have commited fratricide long before. antigone is stronger than i am. (not that anyone doubted that)

ANTIGONE: Knowing you'll never see me again. ERIC: Oh, well, I'm very encouraging of people wanting to seek their fortunes in the cruel, wide world. Bring me that horizon – that's what I say!

....if i was in the mood i'd look for how he say goodbye to her in the last episode

ERIC: By the way, is, er... is Georgie in? ANTIGONE: Oh keep it in your pants, Eric, she's not interested. ERIC: Sorry?

ah eric, eric. it's nearly the end of the first season! how do you not know that already? how have you not yet grown enough to understand that no, not everyone will like you?

ANTIGONE: (SIGHS) Farewell, Eric Chapman - farewell forever!

Poor Antigone. No one's appreciating her drama. Or her. (well, i've listened to the episode, and the hoodlums are a delight)

AGATHA: Good Lord no, Mr Chapman! We couldn't suspect you! Why I'd be run out of the village before- MAYOR: (OFF) We’re very nearly a town, Constable!

all this talk of running someone out of the village (nearly a town ! ), do you wonder who is truly at risk here ? (if you've listened to the show, you already know)

BAZ: Yeah, but like, if you think about it, the very meaning of art as we know it, like, changed throughout the twentieth century, conceptually I mean. WEZ: That's just it though innit: concept art, yeah? Art that has a purpose beyond being aesthetically or, like, technically significant, innit? ROZ: Yeah but that's why we need to lose the semantic ambiguity, cause it's crap, yeah, just saying 'art' like it means something, you know, when you should say, like, concept art or platform art or performance art or- BAZ: Oi, shut it. Someone's coming.

a delight, i told you.

ANTIGONE: Come to think of it, I've never really seen anything ever. Just corpses. Jars of formaldehyde. More corpses. Jars of ashes. Truffaut films. Some more corpses. Jars of cavity fluid. Cocteau films- WEZ: Oh he's well good! ROZ: Shh, what is wrong with you?! ANTIGONE: I agree. Cocteau is overrated in my opinion. Too fanciful. I’m more partial to the Nouvelle Vague. ROZ: Oo. Tell on.

And Antigone has found her people !

I didn’t know you were writing a book.

Rudyard it's at least the second time she mentioned it to you since the start of the series !

Which is filled with fish. SQUEAK? So the cat doesn’t mind.

obviously. (btw rudyard is. not such a terrible person actually. he can get TWO gold stars 'not as big a jerk as you could have been'. and about twenty 'you tried')

AGATHA: Why is that bin full of fish? RUDYARD: Well. Where else would they be? AGATHA: In the sea. RUDYARD: (BEAT) Hardly! Haven't you heard of over-fishing? The ocean's populations are in crisis! We've fished all the fish so instead of being in the sea they're now all in bins. AGATHA: Really? RUDYARD: In fact, look! Here's your evidence! This bin is full of fish!

....stellar logic example. btw i love rudyard. (i'd like to point out that in the beginning sequence rudyard is perfectly fine being buried alive, and only wishes madeleine was with him. because she's his best friend ! of course, more selfless people would more be like 'oh i'm glad she's not in this terrible situation with me :(( but i miss her :((('. rudyard, not being such a good person, just wish she was here. Heartwarming.

GEORGIE: Here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty kitty - eurgh I hate my job - here kitty, that's right, you just stay there, right in my laser-sharp cat-napping telescopic sights...

Georgie : great at acquiring rhino, not so much at cats.

GEORGIE: Cats are like lobsters. You have to boil them alive. ERIC: Well, never mind that now, Georgie. There's something I've got to tell you.

On one hand : georgie could not have been more clear she's not interested. on the other : if he's still interested after she's told him she boils cats alive to eat them, well... he's probably not listening to her.

ERIC: I read in a magazine that this is every woman's favourite proposal.

He's reading Darcy's proposal. The first one. Where he keeps insulting her family. Sure it's very romantic - 'i've chosen you against my better judgment' at least you can't doubt his feelings - but. the reason why it's a favorite. is because she shoots that down.

oh, eric. unable to express a feeling with taking a role.

ANTIGONE: Ever since I can remember, even from childhood, I'd see all the happiness around me and have a sense of myself as a separated being, standing alone in the dark, looking at – but unable to reach – the light that others seemed to experience as their due.

Antigone : most relatable character ever.

ANTIGONE: I waited at the sidelines, trembling with naive anticipation. Young men and women brushed past.

psst : bi antigone.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Whilst in Conveniently Deserted Street, Rudyard was awaiting Georgie and the cat with his signature calm and equanimity... RUDYARD: GEORGE-IEE!

i love him.

ANTIGONE: No, it's time to move on. My life has been a closed book, and now nothing remains but to head off into the cruel, wide world and, well, open it. And read it. And make notes in the margins. And then maybe lend it to someone and be embarrassed about the notes in the margins. And then never get it back and learn the lesson of not lending people books.

god i love her

she got all of rudyard's share of creativity and imagination didn't she ? neither of them have any sense though no matter what she thinks

I mean, didn’t he cry for a whole week from birth when, despite being twins, my own worldly entrance was delayed due to my in-utero depression?

i have zero doubt about that. rudyard does love her ! it's just that, been rudyard, that doesn't mean he can remember even basic facts about her, such as her weekly movie night. no, she's his sister, in the basement, embalming corpses, and being her when he needs her. rudyard doesn't really get that whole concept of 'people having a life outside of him'.

ANTIGONE: And, damn it, am I not the single most talented mortician and embalmer in a one-mile radius? BAZ: I hear Chapman’s good-

no he isn't.

ANTIGONE: Thank you, Local Village Hoodlums! Should you ever need anything embalmed, I am at your disposal! BAZ: Wicked! ROZ: We found that dead rhino in the wheelie bin...

finally someone appreciates her.

We've been here for hours. It's a miracle Conveniently Deserted Street has managed to live up to its name for so long. Thank God the farmers’ market got cancelled.

...are you telling me in piffling vale, the farmer's market take place in Conveniently Deserted Street ???

MADELEINE: (V.O.) As Rudyard posed this very question, a cat, drawn by the scent of fish, made its approach, sensed me tucked away in Rudyard's breast pocket, and made a dramatic bid for supper by leaping at Rudyard's head and trying to claw me out.

i'd like to point out it's not the last time rudyard's biggest troubles can be attributed to the fact his best friend is a mouse.

AGATHA: Just popped into my head – you see, this is very clever: the bush represents the Digital Age's tangled over- saturation of...

you know, given what we've seen of the hoodlums, that does sound in line with their philosophy

MOB: (VARIOUS ANGRY MUTTERINGS) Shocking!... Disgusting!... Animal cruelty!... RUDYARD: Now- now look here, if you would just give me the chance to explain, we can settle this very reasonably. JERRY: Let's run him out of the village!

...yeah.

also, the whole day the street was Conveniently Deserted. rudyard fights a cat for his best friend's life, and suddenly the whole village is here.

ANTIGONE: My brother’s being pursued by a furious mob? MAYOR: They've got flaming torches and everything! GEORGIE: Cool! ANTIGONE: No! Not cool, Georgie! Not cool at all!

cool is not the word indeed. 'business as usual' is. but, of course, this is only the first time. anyway i just wanted to record georgie still not yet being ride or die for the funns.

GEORGIE: (IRRITATED SIGH) Fine. CAT SLUNG INTO A BIN. YOWL.

the cat is right to yowl. at least the other bin was full of fish.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) ... And inexplicably grabbed a discarded hatchet. HATCHET PICKED UP. RUDYARD: We can’t leave this lying around; it’s not safe. MADELEINE: (V.O.) Until – ragged, splattered with red paint and wielding a deadly weapon – he took a brief pause to expend his rage on the dummy Eric Chapman.

he was absolutely sincere about the safety issue btw.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) And then finally, he arrived at the Piffling Cliffs, and began to climb its slopes in the worst thunderstorm Piffling had seen since the fifteenth century.

not just the mob ! the thunderstorm too !

MARJORIE: (OFF) Mr Mayor! Your worship! MAYOR: Marjorie! Top work laying on the searchlight- MARJORIE: But sir, it’s the lighthouse keeper! MAYOR: Captain Sodbury? What about him? MARJORIE: He’s dead! Murdered! Harpooned through the hat! AGATHA: Good Lord! MAYOR: You were right, Ms Doyle! There is a killer on the island! AGATHA: And I think I know who it is!

me too ! how about the one who found the body? i mean, while he was killed, your suspect was seen murdering eric chapman, so....

AGATHA: Rudyard Funn, you are the Monster of Piffling Vale! Anything you say will be taken down and entirely disregarded! Take him away!

....do you think finding out he's innocent and they've jumped to conclusions will change anything about how they regard him ? no ? yeah, you're right.

MAYOR: Rudyard Funn! Who would have thought it? He always seemed such a well-adjusted fellow, didn’t he?

....ah bon?

[audiodramatist]

alright Tangled Wooden Overcoats time @labelleofbelfastcity

- the story starts the same, magic flower, sick queen, etc. 

- the man who’s been using the flower’s magic to stay young for ehh, 500 years? shows up to try and steal it back, but finds twin babies with long blue-black hair that fades to a dull, human shade of brown-black when cut.

- he doesn’t know which baby is magical, so he goes “fuck it” and takes both

- Antigone and Rudyard grow up in the tower with Father Gothel (get it because he’s goth) (the twins seem more scared of their father than mother in canon so im swapping it so he’s the big bad) 

- i don’t want them to be stuck there for 35 years because that’s hella sad, so maybe we’ll bump all characters down to like, early 20-somethings. older than rapunzel but not canon age.

- their daily activities are quite a bit more... grim. Father Gothel is a quasi-immortal mortician and he’s like “hey kids do you want to play with taxidermy?”

- Madeline has Pascal’s role, she’s closer friends with Rudyard than Antigone (likely because of his Disney Princess Animal Communication) and rides on his shoulder or head for most of the adventure.

- Eric is a gentleman thief on the run from the palace guards

- his “a long long time ago...” moments are references to the storybook that inspired his life of crime

- the entire smolder scene but with Eric Chapman, Mr. Sunshine Man. the charm actually works on Antigone, but the twins are tag-teaming the interrogation and Rudyard is immune. 

- upon breaking the twins out, Eric quickly realizes that they’re uncomfortable with sunshine and fluffy animals and general cuteness, and is like “my god do i have a place for you”

- he takes them to the Ugly Duckling, full of smiling, social townsfolk! they hate it! success! however, everyone fawns over Chapman so much that he’s pulled away from them, and the twins (mostly Antigone) start up the I’ve Got A Dream sequence

- except that they’ve convinced everyone to embrace their dark side. the lovely old confectioner wants to hunt down murderers! the baker wants to blow up a mine! the sweet, patient secretary wants to kill!

- uh oh here come the guards looking for Chapman. and one of them has a particular grudge.

- Eric Chapman has charmed his way out of capture one too many times, and Georgie Crusoe isn’t having it. she’s strong, determined, and multi-talented, and she’ll catch that thief by any means necessary. 

- unfortunately, the Funns have their own strange charms, and she’s willing to reach a truce with Chapman in order to make them happy.

- i actually think Antigone would be the one who wants to see the lanterns, and Rudyard is on the adventure just because he doesn’t want to be left alone. Antigone is the one who forces Chapman to help them, Antigone stands up to Father in the woods, Antigone realizes that they’re the Lost Princesses.

- oh yeah rudyard trans but like,, rudyard always trans amirite (although tbh i’m usually also an “antigone trans” person and im sacrificing it for some au details here)

- See the Light is in a hot air balloon. u can pick ur flavor, antman or chapyard but i have more Thoughts on the chapyard version so here it is (also i relegated rudyard to comic relief for this whole plot so far & i think he should have a nice moment)

- Antigone’s “See the Light” verse is about how she can finally see herself in a world that isn’t her tower-mortuary and how she wants to be in control of her life, while Rudyard and Chapman get the more romantic part :P

- when Eric “betrays” the twins, Antigone is hurt but determined to stay out in the kingdom, and Father knocks her out to get her back. Rudyard doesn’t believe that Chapman would leave, and suspects fowl play, but Father threatens to hurt Antigone if he doesn’t come with them, and so he follows.

- Madeline stows away in the boat when Chapman’s tied up and sent to shore. He gets captured immediately, but Madeline finds Georgie, and they go to gather the Piffling residents from the Ugly Duckling for a jailbreak.

- oh those two guys who Eric did crime with are also Father’s assistants. they dont go to jail yet because i want Georgie to fight them later lol

- so its a tower confrontation! the twins are chained in the tower with Father. Madeline sneaks through a window and picks the lock on Antigone’s chains quickly, but Rudyard’s are stuck, and she still can’t get them undone as Chapman shows up & promptly gets stabbed but he’s still standing so it can’t be that bad, right?

- Georgie is facing off against Thing 1 and Thing 2 down in the field below, and she’s tough as hell but half the size of one of them and it’s not sounding good.

- Antigone sees Madeline still hard at work on his gives Rudyard a “you got this?” look & he nods (even though he totally don’t got this) and she disappears into the shadows

- Father starts looking for her but can’t find anything until he & Rudyard hear a decisive “snip” from the rafters

- and Antigone swings down on a rope of dark brown hair and out the window, the last bits of magical blue fading from her now shoulder-length hair

- hey Eric is looking decidedly worse now. so is Father, to be honest. but as long as he still has Rudyard, he’ll survive.

- and Madeline finally gets through the lock

- Rudyard jumps to try and heal Eric, but broken mirror, surprise haircut, you know the drill. Madeline trips the rapidly-aging Father & he falls out a window! yay!

- Rudyard’s like Excuse Me We Just Watched Antigone Cut Her Hair How Could You Do This??? but obvs Eric doesn’t die because it’s a disney princess movie

- they all go back to the castle, antigone is an incredibly competent princess and rudyard is the kingdom’s beloved prince for all of 2 days before everyone is like “oh wait he’s an asshole lmao”

and then everyone lives happily ever after

[woodentranscripts]

Season 1 Episode 1 The Bane of Rudyard

It's the worst day of Rudyard's life when new competitor Eric Chapman arrives on Piffling and becomes an immediate sensation.

Written by David K. Barnes

EPISODE ONE: THE BANE OF RUDYARD

[narration from Madeleine]

Now, Hidden in the English Channel is an island called Piffling. On the island is a village - Piffling Vale - and the village has a square, and the square has this lovely little antique shop but opposite the antique shop is a funeral home which is where much of this chronicle will be set, I’m afraid. You see, I want to tell you all about a man named Rudyard Funn. He owns the funeral parlour, he’s responsible for all the funerals in Piffling Vale and today, he experienced what was undoubtedly the worst day of his life. Which was probably long overdue.

 [funky intro music]

 REV: We gather here today to celebrate the life of Stanley Carmichael, who was taken from us only five days ago   

 He continues

[narration] It all began with a funeral, the antique dealer Stanley Carmichael, whose shop was immediately opposite Rudyard’s premises, had led a life of peace and ordered calm of eighty nine years… and had subsequently crushed to death by a granite sundial. 

 REV: I confess I never actually bought anything from him. His prices have been quite steep actually, though I did have my eye on that sundial. I might still be tempted if it came down in price, hint hint. (laughs)

 [narration] Stanley’s relatives pricked up their ears at the prospect of getting something for that granite sundial. Whilst nearby, his eyes sunken, his skin pale and drawn: stood Rudyard, looking at his watch and wishing strongly that the reverend wasn't an agnostic.

REV: … and undoubtedly looking down at us from his place with God. Unless you don't believe in that sort of thing - which I won’t hold against you, mind you God probably will. Unless he doesn’t exist, in which case he won’t even have anything to complain about, really. 

RUDYARD: (clears throat) Reverend. 

REV: Sorry, did somebody say -

 RUDYARD: Reverend. REV: Oh hello Rudyard- RUDYARD: You’re rambling. REV: Sorry? RUDYARD: You’re rambling again REV: Oh God, am I?

RUDYARD: Yes! REV: I’m so sorry, where was I? RUDYARD: His spirit looking down at us from his place- REV: OH! From his place with God, yes, yes, thank you, right, right, I’ve err Looking down at us from his place with umm… no. No, actually, I don't suppose we could have a quick show of hands? RUDYARD: No! No! Now come on! REV: If you believe in God, could you put your hands up, can we all do that? Put your hands up if you believe, ughh right, right err bout half. Um so! Ah yeah. What I might do is do the service twice- RUDYARD: We don't have time! 

 REV: Once with God in it and the other without. RUDYARD: No! We’re overrunning. REV: Oh! But I thought I might read out a few psalms RUDYARD: Which ones? REV: I don’t mind, I'll be happy to take requests if anyone’s got any favourites? RUDYARD: Nononono. We’re sixteen minutes behind schedule, nearly seventeen. Georgie? (snaps finders) Wake up! GEORGIE: (groans) I don’t want to RUDYARD: We need the coffin in the ground. Now. GEORGIE: Sir, it’s a very heavy coffin RUDYARD: What’s your point? GEORGIE: I’m the only pallbearer RUDYARD: Oh stop moaning, put your back into it! GEORGIE: Ughh Fine! REV: Do we have time for some funny anecdotes? RUDYARD: We’re late as it is and it’s pissing it down - so no. PERSON 1: He’s ruining everything! RUDYARD: There you are reverend, you’re losing them REV: Oh! I thought they were rather getting into it! PERSON 2: Not him, you! RUDYARD: Me? PERSON 3: You horrid little man, stop hurrying things along!

 RUDYARD: Don’t you know what a schedule is? PERSON 3: So rude! RUDYARD: This isn’t my only gig today, you know. I’ve got Mr Ascii to measure up in half an hour! PERSON 1: He’s not dead! RUDYARD: Well he doesn’t look healthy, though, does he? PERSON 3: Stop talking we’re trying to honour Stanley! RUDYARD: Honour Stanley! You didn’t even like him. PERSON 3: How dare you! RUDYARD: I noticed in the shop you slipped that carriage clock down your blouse when you thought no one was looking! (gasps) RUDYARD: And the dressing table! (even more gasps) PERSON 2: I knew it! PERSON 3: Shut up! Bill swiped the portrait of Ova Broughn PERSON 2: Bill! I wanted that portrait! PERSON 1: Well you can’t have it! (gasps) PERSON 1: I’m sorry Jerry, I just lost control, OW REV: Now come, come everyone. Stay calm… Jerry put that shovel down! RUDYARD: Alright, Georgie, get the body in the ground GEORGIE: Sir, They’re not very happy RUDYARD: Of course they don’t look happy, it’s a funeral. Off you go! (she grunts) [narration] The service completed, Rudyard Funn and Georgie Crusoe fled the cemetery and hurried back to the funeral home. Established by local character and serial bigamist Gilbert Funn in the fifteenth century, Funn Funerals have always maintained a solid reputation for being the only funeral home on the island. RUDYARD: (grunts) What it could be a good thing back there, you saw Stanley’s widow GEORGIE: That sad old lady RUDYARD: Yes, when she took a swing at her son in law I think she fell into the grave instead. I don’t know if it was fatal but it looked promising to me GEORGIE: Do you think we’d be able to have a quiet funeral RUDYARD: Asking for the impossible never helped anyone GEORGIE: People smiling, swapping happy memories, I’m not sure every funeral should end with violent conflict RUDYARD: Georgie, once you’ve been here a few more months you’ll realise all funerals always end in bloodshed, there's very little you or I can do about it. Now go and get the measuring kit I want to go to Mr Ascii’s and see if he’s dead yet! GEORGIE: Are you sure it’s worth the bother? RUDYARD: I’ve gone round everyday for the last six weeks, I’m not giving up now, Hop to it! GEORGIE: yes sir~ RUDYARD: Get me a dry jacket, and another hat! Where’s Antigone? Antigone! Now look here, yes. Stanley’s widow! Ha I knew it! No, nothing sorry. We can fit her in a six o clock, I’ll leave her in the ground for the moment, it’ll save time in the long run. No, she shouldn’t be brawling at her age. Of course I could fancy my chances against her, Im thirty-five, she was eighty-two see you at six. Georgie! We’ve got a full day ahead of us! Where’s Antigone? GEORGIE: Try the mortuary! RUDYARD: Are you in the mortuary? Antigone? Antigone? Are you in the mortuary? Antigone? Antigone are you in the- ANTIGONE: What?! RUDYARD: I’m back. ANTIGONE: I’d rather look at the corpses. RUDYARD: Oh for- ANTIGONE: Does rest in peace mean nothing to you?! RUDYARD: Well I don’t hear the guests complaining. Room for another? ANTIGONE: Is it Mr Ascii RUDYARD: Not yet, this ones a bonus! [narration] That’s Antigone, Rudyard’s twin sister, despite actually being born one week afterwards. The poor dear had been diagnosed with depression within twenty minutes of being born - a world record which gave her no consolation at all. ANTIGONE: So how was it today? RUDYARD: Err the vicar’s getting worse and of course it was raining and inevitably it ended with a punchup over a portrait of Eva Broughn. But personally I found it all very moving ANTIGONE: Brilliant, so that's another grieving widow we’re going to have to apologise to RUDYARD: No we won't. ANTIGONE: Why not?! RUDYARD: She fell into the grave and died before I left! ANTIGONE: She what?! RUDYARD: It’s been a very productive morning ANTIGONE: You really have no concept of what good business is, do you? RUDYARD: I’d love to disagree with you and Oh! I’m doing it right now ANTIGONE: I’ve been in the mortuary all morning and do you know what I’ve been up to! RUDYARD: Oh sure I don’t want to know ANTIGONE: I’ve spent the past five hours mixing formaldehyde and methanol with clementine and a tiny, tiny dash of cinnamon. That’s what I’ve been doing for five hours! RUDYARD: Should I ask why? ANTIGONE: To try to make our embalming fluid smell nicer! So the bodies will smell nicer! Because have you really ever smelt a body, Rudyard? RUDYARD: Why do we still talk to each other? ANTIGONE: Now! Thanks to me, they’ll smell brighter, fresher, not like bodies at all. That’s the sort of service I’m striving for, Rudyard. I want them to forget that the body is a body. RUDYARD: Yes that’ll work, our Grandad’s dead but don’t worry because he smells like christmas! ANTIGONE: It’s attention to detail Rudyard! It’s how we run a business, you would know! RUDYARD: We get the body in the coffin in the ground on time GEORGIE: Sir, your other jackets been eaten by moths - I saw the whole thing. RUDYARD: Not now, Georgie, how long did it take for the coffin to get to the ground this morning? GEORGIE: A couple of seconds? RUDYARD: Now that’s a good service! GEORGIE: Because I dropped it RUDYARD: But it got where it needed to be and that’s what they pay us for. ANTIGONE: Rudyard, for the very last time! They don't want chaos! They don’t want stress and they don’t want a relative dead before the first is even been buried! RUDYARD: How do you know what they want?! ANTIGONE: In the name of sanity, Rudyard - RUDYARD: I’ve got a very busy day ahead of , so just get back into the mortuary CHAPMAN: Hello! RUDYARD: Yes? CHAPMAN: Eric, Eric Chapman. I’m new, to the place! Just arrived! GEORGIE: Good morning RUDYARD: Georgie, leave it to the professionals. Good morning. We’ve not met. CHAPMAN: No, because I’m new, to the place RUDYARD: You don't have to brag about it! I have met people before CHAPMAN: You’re Mr Rudyard Funn, of Funn Funerals? RUDYARD: Correct CHAPMAN: Terrific name, suppose you put the fun in funerals RUDYARD: No, of course we don’t, that’s obscene CHAPMAN: Sure, never mind

ANTIGONE: Hello Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: OH! Jesus ANTIGONE: Is this too close? CHAPMAN: A little bit! ANTIGONE: Sorry! CHAPMAN: No, don’t mention it! ANTIGONE: Sorry, I’m Antigone, sorry pleased to meet you. CHAPMAN: Err, likewise call me Eric. Are you in charge? ANTIGONE: I’m the mortician, where the action is, CHAPMAN: I bet there’s not much you don’t know about the body, Antigone? ANTIGONE: That sounded like a double meaning GEORGIE: It’s called flirting ANTIGONE: Oh gosh, is it? CHAPMAN: Well, now ANTIGONE: It’s smashing, do it again, have I made it awkward? DAMN RUDYARD: I haven’t got all day! CHAPMAN: Yes so, Rudyard, Antigone and GEORGIE: Georgie, Hi ANTIGONE: That’s enough! CHAPMAN: I saw you at the funeral, didn’t I GEORGIE: Yeah, helping out, it’s a job RUDYARD: Georgie, don’t give away company secrets GEORGIE: I was only - ANTIGONE: Hang on, you were at the funeral this morning? CHAPMAN: Yes I was RUDYARD: And I’m sure you’re impressed with what you saw there Mr Chapman but we really are frightfully CHAPMAN: Actually I wasn’t entirely sure it came off RUDYARD: I’m sorry? CHAPMAN: For a start it got a little violent didn’t it? RUDYARD: Did you think so? CHAPMAN: At the end yes RUDYARD: I’m not sure what funeral you were watching, Mr Chapman but all I saw was good clean mourning CHAPMAN: Didn’t someone die? RUDYARD: A very convenient place for it to happen, Georgie GEORGIE: I’m not RUDYARD: There you go, don’t let us keep you Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: And I thought there could have been a greater attention to detail. Stop me if I’m getting too critical. RUDYARD: Okay I’ll stop you there ANTIGONE: Shut up, carry on Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: Eric ANTIGONE: Gosh CHAPMAN: I have to say it was a little bit grim, I mean it’s a funeral it’s hardly party time but even so these occasions should be a celebration of life rather than going on about death, do you know what I mean? RUDYARD: Nope CHAPMAN: Ah, I don’t want to be made more miserable and I want to remember those happy magnificent memories, I want a cheerful atmosphere, bright flowers, music, funny recolations ANTIGONE: Sweeter smelling fluids CHAPMAN: Exactly, fluids? ANTIGONE: I think they’re very important. CHAPMAN: Sure thing. That's what I mean! Sorting out those little details, pushing the boat out, or the hearse out, well that's just my two cents for what it’s worth RUDYARD: Well, I don’t know what planet you live on, Mr Chapman, but - ANTIGONE: Thank you! We’ll bear those things in mind, won’t we Rudyard. RUDYARD: remind me- ANTIGONE: Smashing! CHAPMAN: Anyway, I thought I’d swing by ANTIGONE: Oh any time! CHAPMAN: Thank you, ANTIGONE: Any time at all CHAPMAN: Yes, I was just swinging by to see the competition. RUDYARD: Competition? CHAPMAN: Yes. ANTIGONE: You mean like a raffle? CHAPMAN: Not exactly RUDYARD: I hate raffles CHAPMAN: That’s a strange thing to hate. I meant you lot! Er, Funn Funerals the local competition… In funerals RUDYARD: You’re an undertaker. CHAPMAN: Well clients prefer funeral director ANTIGONE: You’re just visiting though?! CHAPMAN: No, I live here now, I’m setting myself up ANTIGONE: Your own funeral home? CHAPMAN: yeah, Chapmans, not quite as catchy as Funn Funerals but there we are ANTIGONE: Where are you going to be? CHAPMAN: You know the antique dealer you just buried, Stanley Carmichael? I’m just taking over his premises. ANTIGONE: Just across the square! CHAPMAN: That’s right! Opposite you actually, we’ll probably see a lot of each other, compare notes, swap stories, down the pub - mine’s a light ale by the way. Err did someone die in here? RUDYARD: Goodbye Chapman. CHAPMAN: Oh sure! Glad to meet you Rudyard, Antigone ANTIGONE: Chapman. CHAPMAN: Georgie GEORGIE: See you later ANTIGONE: That’s enough! CAPMAN: Okay. (exhales) Enjoy yourselves! Ah! The sun’s come out! RUDYARD: If he thinks I’m going to buy him a light ale, he’s very much mistaken. ANTIGONE: Oh shut up Rudyard! This is actually very serious. GEORGIE: He seemed fine ANTIGONE: No he didn’t, Georgie, coming over here waving his credentials in our faces, giving us feedback, my god! GEORGIE: I thought you liked him? ANTIGONE: Liked him?! Liked him?! GEORGIE: Yeah! You were talking about fluids and everything! ANTIGONE: That’s professional chit-chat for god’s sake, do you think I like gorgeous handsome men, do you? Exactly, it’s disgusting, it’s disgusting RUDYARD: I can’t think of a scenario where I would buy someone a light ale ANTIGONE: Rudyard, focus! He is serious competition RUDYARD: Him? Competition? Were you listening to the man? GEORGIE: No she wasn’t, She was gazing into his eyes ANTIGONE: Georgina! Go and make some tea. GEORGIE: We haven’t got a kettle ANTIGONE: Buy one. GEORGIE: Fine ANTIGONE: Rudyard, we’re finished, I think I’ll take a cyanide capsule RUDYARD: We are not finished, we’re an established firm, going back centuries! Nobody round here is going to book a funeral with a complete stranger. ANTIGONE: Rudyard! Look At His Shop! RUDYARD: What is it? ANTIGONE: He’s already changed the sign! ‘Chapman’s’ Just like he said. RUDYARD: I’ll admit he’s working quickly. ANTIGONE: That does it. You’ve got to see the mayor, tell him this village isn’t big enough for two funeral homes! RUDYARD: That’s not a bad idea actually, I’ll see him now. (leaves) One day I’ll find an umbrella. [narration] Rudyard scuttled across the village square and up the step leading to Piffling Hall. He was shown into the office of the Right Honourable Mayor Desmond Desmond. A man who thought the most wonderful words in the english language were “I’m sure it’s going to be fine!” SECRETARY: Mr Rudyard Funn to see you sir. MAYOR: Oh, Thank you Margery RUDYARD: Your worship, I really am most desperately sorry to- where are you? MAYOR: Down here, Rudyard, Under the desk. RUDYARD: Why? MAYOR: Ohh, just sitting here, you know. Doing a bit of thinking, big world out there RUDYARD: Yes, er I came to ask you- MAYOR: Rudyard, do you know what the difference is between a village and a town. RUDYARD: Well er, a town has a greater area, MAYOR: Yes? RUDYARD: Higher population, more amenities MAYOR: Ah, amenities, yes RUDYARD: A mayor! MAYOR: oh yes RUDYARD: I actually came to- MAYOR: We have to do something, Rudyard, with our lives haven’t we Rudyard? Don’t you think? RUDYARD: Yes! MAYOR: I look at my seal of office sometimes and all my envelopes, and I read my name, and have I done enough I ask myself, am I even Right Honourable because I don’t feel it. RUDYARD: Well, to call yourself Right Honourable you have to be a judge or a privy counsellor MAYOR: Really? I’m going to change all my stationary now! You see, this is the thing I’m talking about! What have I earned? What have I achieved? God knows we have to try and justify ourselves, somehow. RUDYARD: mhm, I don’t like the man across the road from me. MAYOR: Exactly, and then what with my sister passing the bucket last week, oh top drawer send off you chaps gave her by the way. RUDYARD: Oh, thank you! MAYOR: Oh, pity it rained RUDYARD: Yes well MAYOR: Can’t help that, or the grounds subsidence, still we all laughed seeing her flopping about like that did we- anyway, Do you know what I’ve decided to do, Rudyard? I am going to turn this village into a town. That’s what I’m going to do. I mean things must expand, mustn’t they? RUDYARD: Probably? MAYOR: Do you think so? Good! She used to say terrible things to me, my sister RUDYARD: I’ve got a problem actually MAYOR: Have you? Well can I help, cause I really like to be useful RUDYARD: I think you can be, you see, your worship, there’s this man. MAYOR: He’s not worth it Rudyard. RUDYARD: Yes. What? No I mean, this man is opening a new funeral home directly across the road from mine. MAYOR: Is that a problem? RUDYARD: We can’t have two funeral homes can’t we? MAYOR: Can’t we, why not RUDYARD: Well it’d be ridiculous! MAYOR: I don’t was to look ridiculous! RUDYARD: Exactly! If we have two funeral homes, why not two fire stations, two hospitals, two mayors! MAYOR: Two mayors!?! Could it really get that far? RUDYARD: I would hate to speculate MAYOR: Help me up, would you? Yes, I think we should stab this in the bud immediately. Thank you Rudyard. RUDYARD: Thank you your worship! MAYOR: Gets me out the office anyway RUDYARD: Well from under the desk. MAYOR: We won't talk about that. Margery, cancel my appointments for today SECRETARY: There aren’t any MAYOR: Thank you! Off we go, Rudyard [narration] Upon arriving at Chapman’s, Rudyard and the - until recently Right Honourable Mayor Desmond Desmond discovered that the place was about ready to be opened! And it wasn’t yet even midday! Rudyard braced himself for a sinister journey into the unknown MAYOR: Wasn’t this place an antique shop a few hours ago? RUDYARD: I don’t understand how he has managed to do all this?! MAYOR: Bit flash isn’t it, all these happy colours, not a patch on your set up, look not a speck of dust anywhere! RUDYARD: I mean, he arrived this morning! MAYOR: It must be said though, these sofas are really comfy! Is that a coffee machine? RUDYARD: Yes? MAYOR: Does your place have one of those? RUDYARD: We bought a kettle only half an hour ago CHAPMAN: Hi, sorry to keep you waiting as you can imagine, it’s all go here! RUDYARD: Is that a lift?! CHAPMAN: Mr Mayor, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Eric Chapman, there are some chocolate truffles in the bowl there, help yourself. Would you like the tour, I’d love to show you around, it’s still not quite finished MAYOR: Perhaps another time, Mr Chapman RUDYARD: You’ve got a lift?! MAYOR: Umm, I don’t know quite how to say this but CHAPMAN: How to say what, Mr Mayor? MAYOR: Well, it’s very naughty of you to have done this, is it? CHAPMAN: Is it? MAYOR: Oh without permission I mean CHAPMAN: But you gave me permission MAYOR: Did I? CHAPMAN: I mean before I came here, I was calling back and forth with your people and everything got sorted and err where are we, here we are, look, here’s your signature MAYOR: Yes, the smiley face in the ‘O’ well, it’s definitely mine! You must understand, I don't always read everything I’m given, I am usually kept very busy CHAPMAN: I’m sure, don’t worry about it MAYOR: What do you think? Rudyard? RUDYARD: That’s a really nice lift?!! CHAPMAN: Oh thanks Rudyard MAYOR: Yes, well, even with all this I mean, I am the mayor aren’t I and I have the perfect right to change my mind. CHAPMAN: Oh do you not want me here? MAYOR: No no no no! Not that but you see it’s just that well err, Rudyard? RUDYARD: Sorry? Yes er, Now Look Here CHAPMAN: Yes? RUDYARD: We’ve already got a funeral home MAYOR: Exactly! We’ve already got one and will the best will in the world we can’t have two funeral homes, can we? CHAPMAN: Why? MAYOR: Because, well, then you see, we’d need apparently have to have two hospitals you see? CHAPMAN: That’s a great idea MAYOR: Is it? Oh well good, I’d get onto that! BUT No, nevertheless the village just can’t sustain two funeral homes can it? CHAPMAN: You could be right there MAYOR: Could I? RUDYARD: Told you so CHAPMAN: But you know what could sustain two funeral homes? MAYOR: No? CHAPMAN: A town! MAYOR: A town? You say? RUDYARD: Hmm No! No- CHAPMAN: Now don’t get me wrong, this is a great village but I think it’s going to be an even greater town! And I want to help you do that in the only way I can: with a funeral home. MAYOR: Can I ask you a question? CHAPMAN: Go for it MAYOR: If we had two funeral homes would we need two mayors as well? CHAPMAN: No. That’s ridiculous MAYOR: Oh, excellent in that case I hereby pronounce this funeral home: open! RUDYARD: What? What are they doing there?! CHAPMAN: We’re taking advance orders, it’s just a service we provide. MAYOR: Well, I won’t take up any more of your time. Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: Oh please, Mr Mayor, It’s Eric MAYOR: Best of luck Eric, if you are ever at a loose end, do pop by the hall, sometimes we have movie nights! CHAPMAN: I’ll remember that and if you ever need our services it’s on the house. MAYOR: Tremendous, looking forward to it, now RUDYARD: Now, now hang on, we- MAYOR: Glad to have you here CHAPMAN: Mr Mayor MAYOR: No no no, call me Desmond! Ttfn CHAPMAN: Talk to you later, Desmond MAYOR: Should I leave the doors open? CHAPMAN: Oh, if you would, Rudyard I’m sorry I can’t stay and chat, can I get you anything. Oh I know what, make yourself a cup of coffee, I’ll better see to that queue eh? Enjoy yourself! Don’t forget the truffles! Good morning ladies and gentlemen, well afternoon now. Well, I’m delighted to say welcome to Chapman’s and remember: We put the fun in funerals RUDYARD: Chapman! [narration] After a coffee, and a couple of truffles, Rudyard stormed out, seething with resentment. He kicked a small dog and got bitten by its owner. Having gotten back to Funn Funerals, Rudyard sat down on a chair by the window and stared out across the road muttering out loud to his only real friend in the world RUDYARD: (muttering) It’s only a funeral home who the hell do they think they are eh? (squeaks) RUDYARD: Exactly, I give him a week, alright maybe two.. Ah he might have gold blend and lounge music but you can’t put a glass on the mechanics. We get the body in the coffin in the ground on time, That’s what it's about, I bet his corpses don't smell of cinnamon. Yeah, we’ll see who runs this village. ANTIGONE: Rudyard you’re talking to that mouse again aren’t you? RUDYARD: Her name is Madeleine ANTIGONE: It’s not normal! RUDYARD: Antigone, you spend twenty-three hours a day in the mortuary don’t try to tell me what’s normal. Off you go Madeleine, we’ll continue this later ANTIGONE: You haven’t moved all afternoon! RUDYARD: I don’t need to move, I’m plotting ANTIGONE: Where’s Georgie? RUDYARD: Day off, no work, plotting. ANTIGONE: Rudyard, for the first time in our lives we actually have competition which means we could really do with having some friends so could you get out there and make some? RUDYARD: I’ll do it tomorrow ANTIGONE: Have you at least gone round to check on Mr Ascii RUDYARD: Who? ANTIGONE: Mr Ascii, the man we’ve been waiting to die for six weeks, because so help me I need to embalm somebody and it could quite easily be you RUDYARD: Look Mr Ascii’s immortal, he’ll never die so what’s the point about it. Now Look Here, Georgie? What? Right, I’ll see you there. Mr Ascii’s dead. ANTIGONE: Is he? RUDYARD: Yes. OH MY GOD MR ASCII’S DEAD! ANTIGONE: How?! RUDYARD: Heart attack, half an hour ago it’s all around the village, Antigone, I’m so happy! ANTIGONE: Took him long enough RUDYARD: Ahh He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead! ANTIGONE: Rudyard! Stop being happy and get over there now! RUDYARD: Sorry, yes, get over there, I’m gone. Rudyard is back in the game! … Rudyard is going to get wet! Have the mortuary ready! ANTIGONE: And Rudyard, don’t cock it up. [narration] Before you judge Rudyard too harshly at his delight at an old man’s demise, I should tell you that Mr Ascii was Rudyard’s old PE teacher at school so his delight is almost entirely justified. Rudyard met Georgie at Mr Ascii’s bijuu residence at five forty-five. GEORGIE: Okay, okay  RUDYARD: Georgie GEORIGIE: Sir? RUDYARD: Say it again for me won’t you, say it again GEORGIE: Alright, Mr Ascii’s dead but listen I’ve got- RUDYARD: Yeessssss, Get in there my son… whatever that means GEORGIE: Yeah I ought to say- RUDYARD: I’ve been looking forward to putting him in the ground, can’t mock me for losing the 200 metre dash now can you, Mr Ascii! GEORGIE: Before you get excited RUDYARD: Right yes, got to straighten up, think grave. How do I look? GEORGIE: Miserable RUDYARD: Great, let’s go GEORGIE: But sir, NURSE: Could we please have some quiet out here, oh it’s you, Mister Funn RUDYARD: Good afternoon nurse, Could please take this opportunity to convey my most prevermed(???) condolences NURSE: Thank you Mister Funn RUDYARD: I’m sure my apprentice Ms Crusoe, has already carried out our preliminary duties so I think in the interest of efficiency we should let the dog see the rabbit, if you’ll take me through NURSE: Well, This is actually rather embarrassing RUDYARD: Oh please don’t say it’s a false alarm! NURSE: In a sense,,, yes RUDYARD: Oh for, Georgie you said he was dead GEORGIE: He is dead RUDYARD: But, ugh, Nurse, one of us in this corridor is deeply confused and I’m beginning to believe it might be you NURSE: No? RUDYARD: I knew it, she’s mad, grab her Georgie. NURSE: I’m not mad! RUDYARD: That’s what a mad person would say, Georgie GEORGIE: Let’s do this CHAPMAN: Rudyard! Great to see you RUDYARD: Chapman! CHAPMAN: Busy afternoon, eh, hello Georgie GEORGIE: Hey, Eric RUDYARD: Stop flirting. Nurse, I demand this man be told to vacate this bijuu residence immediately CHAPMAN: Look, this is my bad, and I’ve really got to apologise for this one NURSE: Mr Ascii requested it! RUDYARD: He what? NURSE: With his final words he said he couldn’t bare to get buried by such a feeble little weed as Rudyard Funn CHAPMAN: Interesting man, he wanted to see my gold medals from the 200 metre dash, gotta say I wasn’t expecting business to kick off so quickly NURSE: You’re doing a most proper job Mr Chapman CHAPMAN: Thank you nurse, I think we’ll collect him first thing tomorrow. Anyway must run, good to see you Rudyard, Georgie. Enjoy yourselves! Ahh NURSE: What a charming man, I hear he’s still a bachelor RUDYARD: So am I.. NURSE: Yes well, hardly surprising is it? GEORGIE: Ahh well, can’t win em all eh sir? Sir, are you alright? RUDYARD: I am so… SIX O CLOCK GEORGIE: Six o clock? RUDYARD: Six o clock! The cemetery, Stanley’s widow, Stanley Carmichael’s widow in the cemetery at six o clock! GEORGIE: Oh yeah! I forgot about that! RUDYARD: What time is it? GEORGIE: About five to six but you’ll never get there. Sir?! Oh for god’s sake, Rudyard! Come back here you stupid. [narration] Rudyard raced down the cliff, past the trees and through the streets with speed that would have finally impressed Mr Ascii, had he not already been dead. His lungs aching for breath, his limbs trembling with the effort, Rudyard tumbled into the cemetery at exactly one minute past six. To discover… RUDYARD: It’s…. It’s all REV: Ahh, there you are Rudyard! RUDYARD: Reverend? What’s going on? REV: Well, I arrived to oversee the preliminaries on Mrs Carmichael’s err, transferal to a better world - if such a place exists - which i'm not certain about one way or the other, and I found that her family and friends had been gathered together already for the funeral. RUDYARD: For the funeral? REV: Since the deceased was already here, and sensibly dressed, he just got it done out of the way, young fella named Eric, got his own funeral practise I understand. I’m hearing marvelous things about it. He’s got a coffee machine! Led them all a couple of sing songs actually, even had my speech prepared for me! Very succinct it was, breezed through it all in no time. RUDYARD: Chapman… REV: Oh he also found a lake! Over there! I think we’re all going boating in a minute. He owns a boat you know RUDYARD: Chapman! REV: Anyway, I better get to be going back to it, we’re having jelly and ice cream, bags of fun. Goodbye, Rudyard! Or should I say: Enjoy yourself! RUDYARD: I see. I see. Well CHAPMAN: Hello Rudyard. RUDYARD: Oh. It’s. you. Did a fair job I hear, congratulations, don’t think it will always be like this they won’t hand it to you on a plate you know, they won’t do that. This is very much the exception. Oh what? What? You can talk can’t you? Say something? CHAPMAN: Rudyard. Have a nice evening. RUDYARD: What do you- What do you mean: have a nice evening? What do you mean by that remark, Chapman? What if I don’t want to have a nice evening? Eh? What if I Don’t? Chapman! What did you mean! Chapman! Chapman?! [narration] Today had been the worst day of Rudyard’s life, until tomorrow came along and topped it. I was there to jot it all down from first hand observation (and a little bit of gossip I picked up later) and of course, being his only real friend in the world, Rudyard tells me everything. My name is Madeleine - I’m going to be the first mouse to be a Sunday Times Best Seller, and I know for a fact that Rudyard want to revenge himself on Eric by well, we’ll burn that bridge when be come to it 

[walkingshcdow-a]

miss me- for rudyard

@tinfoiltemplar

He is eight years old the year there are no funerals in the Templar-Trevor family. Sitting on the steps of Funn Funerals after a whole year of waiting, Rudyard keeps watch over Piffling Vale on New Years Eve. Surely, he reasons, someone in their family will die and, just as surely, the funeral will bring Victor back to him. His breath clouds on the night air. His mother tells him to come inside and when he doesn’t immediately comply, she peers down her thin nose at him. Another mother might ask why her son has sat on the front stoop all day; another mother might have noticed the fastidious way her eight-year-old checks the mail. Mrs. Funn is not that sort, however, and she shuts the door on Rudyard and leaves him alone in the cold and dark while she goes to persuade his father to come speak to the perplexing boy. Rudyard doesn’t mean to be perplexing. He is, instead, sad and confused. Shouldn’t someone in that family have died by now? It’s such a large family and someone always dies. He always sees Victor by the end of the year. Today is December 31st and no one has died and Victor is not here and panic wells in Rudyard’s chest and ache gathers in his bones. Reasonably, he knows that the other Templar-Trevors must die sooner or later, but he can’t help but wonder if the last funeral was the last time he would see Victor and he just didn’t appreciate it because he was seven and stupid. 

He also worries that maybe Victor will be next. Children don’t die often in Piffling Vale, but their funerals are the worst. If Victor died, he’d do so in London and Rudyard wouldn’t know about it for years. He would just continue to miss him in this horrible, aching way. Stubbornly he thinks of Victor alive - Victor happy, Victor laughing, Victor running at him from down the road with interesting rocks to look at and stories of heroism to share. He thinks of him in summer, a dark streak in the ocean as they swim without adult supervision. He thinks of him in fall, suggesting they rake Miss Scruple’s leaves. He has imagined a million memories with him this year and none of them have come true. Maybe they never will. 

His eyes sting in the winter wind and he swears he isn’t crying, but when the door opens he wipes at them with mittened hands. 

“Go away,” he says. 

“Rudyard… they aren’t coming,” Antigone says.

“Who isn’t coming?”

“The Trevors… Victor.”

“Well, that’s just fine,” says Rudyard. “I’m not waiting for him. For all I know, you could have come out here to keep watch for them.”

“Oh, Rudyard…”

Antigone sits on the stoop beside Rudyard. He bristles at her shoulder bumping his. He doesn’t need her pity. He doesn’t need anyone’s pity. He needs Victor to have been here when he lost his tooth or when he got into a row with the cafeteria lady and got detention for a week or- or-

He doesn’t notice he’s crying until his cheeks are very suddenly warm. And then cold again. 

“He’ll be back,” he says tightly. “Logically speaking, he has to come back. The adults in his family won’t live forever.”

“I suppose not,” says Antigone. “But they could be alive for a very long time.”

“It isn’t fair that I only get to see my best friend when one of his relatives drops dead.”

“At least you have a best friend.”

Rudyard scowls.

“It’s not my fault you disturb the other children.”

His sister’s eyes water as if he’s slapped her. She shuffles to her feet. 

“I was going to tell you you should write to him,” she says. “It’s a wonder you have a friend in the first place!” 

“Now, look here!” This he says self-importantly, the way he’s been practicing, to get attention. “It really isn’t my fault you bite the heads off flowers and talk about fluids…!”

Antigone huffs. A puff of her breath steams the air. She digs a fist into her jacket pocket. When it flies out again, Rudyard flinches. She extends a folded scrap of paper. 

“I found Victor’s address in dad’s paperwork and I copied it down for you,” says Antigone. “It must be his address… Unless someone besides his father might be named “James Trevor” and live in London.”

Gingerly, Rudyard takes the paper from Antigone’s hands. A smile crinkles up his dark eyes and he looks at her. Another brother might have hugged his sister for this. Rudyard can only say -

“Sometimes, I’m very glad you’re my sister.”

Antigone flushes crimson. 

“Just write to him,” she says. “God knows Mum and Dad won’t know what to do with you if you keep moping around and sighing like some pathetic damsel in a tower.”

Rudyard isn’t listening enough to scowl at her again. Instead, he rushes into the house and upstairs in search of a pen and some paper. What more could he want in the world but to tell VIctor that he misses him and can’t wait until the next funeral?

[whelvenwings]

Please accept a bouquet of all the flowers I want in my tattoo for the botanical asks: lavender, primrose, wysteria, lilac, peony, tea rose, sweet pea

no wayyy you want a flower tattoo too?! I should have known.

lavender; soundcloud or vinyls?

soundcloud all the way. I’m pretty much always listening to something through my phone, I love having a backing track as I clean or work or write, and vinyl just can’t cut that mustard.

primrose; what book does everyone right now need to read?

I’m gonna say The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue - and definitely its sequel, The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy. It’s such a fun read with a ton of heart and it’s historical and it’s got so much queer rep and I just can’t express enough how glad I am that these books exist.

wisteria; whom do you admire and why?

pretty sappy answer but it’s my mum. I don’t know anyone who gets how to love someone as well as her. she works so hard and she’s funny and she’s got her priorities sorted. she’s got a ton of common sense and she’s so reliably kind and thoughtful. she welcomes people so readily and she looks for the best in people and the older I get, the more I see how rare her good qualities are. I hope I can be 1% of the person she is.

lilac; if you could go back in time which time period would you visit?

ah!!! I’ve been sitting here thinking about it and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t know. I want to visit a place in history which is queer-positive and happy - I know they must have been around, somewhere, maybe little bars or houses or farms or communes - but I don’t know exactly where. if I had to shoot a shot and hope for the best, I think I’d head for victorian times and try to find out where oscar wilde was chilling.

peony; share a small random book passage that means something to you.

my great-aunt had a book of poetry that was passed down to me, and this is an extract from my favourite poem in it so far. it’s from the god abandons antony by constantine cavafy.

Above all, don’t fool yourself, don’t sayit was a dream, your ears deceived you:don’t degrade yourself with empty hopes like these.As one long prepared, and graced with courage,as is right for you who proved worthy of this kind of city,go firmly to the windowand listen with deep emotion, but notwith the whining, the pleas of a coward;listen—your final delectation—to the voices,to the exquisite music of that strange procession,and say goodbye to her, to the Alexandria you are losing.

tea rose; what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared?

there are some serious answers to this question but the first thing that came into my head was putting a smoke bomb in a pumpkin?? I always wanted to carve a pumpkin and then put a smoke bomb inside it and have the smoke come gushing out through the eyes and mouth, it looks so cool. I haven’t done it because I find it worrisome that I might somehow explode the pumpkin.

sweet pea; who means the world to you? why?

well, I just finished listening to the Wooden Overcoats podcast, and so right now I’d have to say that the fictional character Antigone Funn means the world to me. I’ve never come across a character quite like her and her development over the seasons of the podcast was incredible. her sensitivity and depth, her sibling relationship with her brother, the impassioned speech she gave during one episode about why you might never tell someone you like about the way that you feel - and the resonance and honesty of it - just really hit me and I want to relisten to the whole podcast just for her, to be honest.

[doumekiss]

baby steps (woodeen overcoats fanfic)

Georgie and Eric, Georgie/Jennifer //  567 words // G //  Post-season 3 - After her date with Jennifer, Georgie and Eric have a conversation

Also available on AO3

Dedicated to the lovely Juliana (@yournotpshipper)

The date with Jennifer had been nice, really nice. It was the first one Georgie had since the nightmare one with Eric Chapman just a while after he arrived in the island. And while that one left her thinking she would never want to go to another date again, this one left her already excited for the next one.

They went to watch one of the foreign films at the local cinema, the plot was kinda boring but Georgie found fun to see the way Jennifer blushed during all the sex scenes. After that they went to Eric’s Coffee shop and talked for about an hour Jennifer still kept getting into interview mode when she was nervous but Georgie found that reasonably cute. Jennifer had to leave to give the night announcements at the radio. She gave a light peck on Georgie’s cheek and it was Georgie who blushed a little bit this time.

They barely ate the piece of cake they ordered so Georgie stayed at the Coffee to finish it after Jennifer left. When she was almost done Eric came to her table.

“Hello Georgie, mind if I sit?”

Her first instinct was to tell him to go away, but then she remembered the hot air balloon he borrowed to her and the Funns a few days before.

“Fine”

“You and Jennifer seemed to been having fun”

“You were spying on us ?”

“No, I just arrived here and I noticed that you two were talking and that you seemed happy”

“I was”

“Hum...may I ask you a question ?”

“Shoot”

“Are you a lesbian ?”

“Eric just because a woman is not interested in you that doesn’t mean she is a lesbian”

“Oh, alright”

“I am, but you shouldn’t assume it”

“Yes, I suppose I should apologize, it must have been quite uncomfortable for you to have a man trying to court you”

“It was, but it would have been if I was straight too, I’m pretty sure even if I was the straightest woman in the world or bi or pan or whatever I still wouldn’t have been into you and you kept trying like nobody ever wasn't interested in you before”

“It was a first for me actually. But I know that doesn’t justify it, so I’m sorry”

“Okay”

“So you forgive me ?”

“Yes, and to be fair I could have told about being a lesbian when you first started showing interest but I wasn’t completely sure at the time. Also Rudyard wanted me to spy on you”

“You don’t need to justify yourself, well maybe a bit for the Rudyard thing, but not for not coming out to me”

“I wasn’t justifying, just clarifying...by the way thanks for letting the Funns and me borrow the hot air balloon to scatter my Nana’s ashes, it was quite beautiful up there, it felt worthy of her”

“You’re welcome, but really it was all Rudyard and Antigone, I just provided the equipment. Still it really shows how much they  care for you that they were willing to go to me for executing their vision”

“I know, I’m quite lucky to have them”

“I’m a bit envious of you for that to be honest”

“Yeah, noticed. They didn’t though, they are a bit slow with that type of thing”

“So now that we said all that need saying...friends?”

“Don’t push it Eric”

“Alright, baby steps”

[inthegroundontime]

Title: A Matter of Perspective Rating: K+ Ships: Rudyard/OC Summary: In which Rudyard’s in-laws struggle to see what Cordelia sees in the man she married.

Cordelia Roach’s parents believed three things about names. Firstly, Mr. and Mrs. Roach believed that a monosyllabic surname could only be improved upon by a multisyllabic and mellifluous first name. None of their children had a name shorter than three syllables. By contrast, they believed that middle names should be short and secret and so it was not until Cordelia was fifteen that she learned her middle name was “Anne”, which was an anticlimactic moment in young Cordelia Anne Roach’s life. Finally, the Roaches believed that names carried meaning and the most meaningful names in all the world were those from literature. When Mrs. Roach discovered that she was pregnant with twin girls, it dawned upon Mr. Roach (who would one day become “Dr. Roach” for this hypothesis) that he could test this hypothesis by naming the eldest and youngest for the least and most dutiful of Shakespearean daughters. 

Desdemona Roach consulted her parents when she chose careers and boyfriends alike, eventually marrying her father’s TA after being granted parental blessing three times. Cordelia Roach consulted no one before deciding that she would write a compendium of obscure musical instruments and travel the world to do so. She certainly did not consult anyone when, after three years of traveling, she settled on the island of Piffling. And if she consulted either of her parents before marrying Rudyard Funn, she never told Rudyard who upon asking Dr. Roach for Cordelia’s hand over Christmas was told rather tartly that he’d be better off asking Cordelia if he wanted an opinion of consequence.

Dr. Roach thought Cordelia married Rudyard as another act of defiance. He never liked the man and, naturally, that meant that Cordelia liked him. He and his wife had indulged their daughter in numerous boyfriends up to this point - bohemians and lawyers and everything in between – and no sooner than receiving the seal of parental approval, Cordelia would break things off with the boyfriend. They never once liked Rudyard, who had once expressed his dislike for Shakespeare after someone had foolishly handed him Cordelia’s eggnog. One sip of alcohol had sent him on a long-winded rant about the faults of “King Lear” and the rules of inheritance that ended with the revelation that he had a twin sister, who he’d left to spend Christmas alone – all cardinal sins in the Roach household.

Mrs. Roach thought Cordelia married Rudyard because he was the safest option. For all his unlikability, Rudyard Funn was steadily employed as a funeral director and the only things certain in life were death and taxes. After spending three years adrift in the world, Rudyard was by far the tamest and most stable of choices Cordelia could have made in a husband. The fact that he scandalized her parents served as a bonus, but not the impetus of their union.

Desdemona, however, knew that neither of her parents was correct. Cordelia had rung her the day she met Rudyard to announce that she had met the man she was going to marry. Desdemona had been cooking dinner for her boys – Demetrius and Lysander – when the telephone rang. When she answered it, she expected to make a little small talk with her sister before Cordelia announced her next big adventure across the globe. Instead, Cordelia wasted no time with a preamble.

“I’ve met the man I’m going to marry,” she announced instead of saying “hello”. It wasn’t unlike Cordelia to get straight to the point, but it was unlike her to speak of marriage. Desdemona clicked her tongue.

“That’s nice, love,” she said. “And how’s the music shop going?”

“He came into the music shop with the most beautiful mandolin. One of the strings had broken and he wanted a new one and a tune-up, but he’d been very clearly doing it himself for quite some time.”

“I see.”

“You don’t understand,” Cordelia continued, “I thought the instrument was from the 18th century. But he said it was very early 19th and he was right!”

For courtesy, Cordelia waited three weeks before asking Rudyard Funn out and the more phone calls Desdemona got, the more she believed her sister was right that she would one day marry Rudyard Funn. When Cordelia made up her mind, she was not easily swayed. They shared a few obscure interests, but chiefly they shared self-confidence bordering on fearlessness. One thing they did not share was common sense. Cordelia was a sensible woman, a bit overzealous for most people, but competent and capable.  The only time Desdemona visited Piffling before the wedding, she watched Rudyard drop his watch into a casket and have to tear up the planks himself, once the family was gone and only Cordelia and Desdemona remained to witness. When he found it again and reconstructed the casket, Cordelia sighed patiently and said, “It’s the little, human things that make you fall in love, isn’t it?” What, then, were the big ones that kept her in love with him? Desdemona was never really sure. She’d been back to the island only a handful of times – which was more than their parents – especially during Cordelia’s pregnancy.

“We’re hoping to only have one child,” Cordelia said. “I’m sure I don’t have to explain to you what being a twin is like.”

Desdemona hugged her teacup tighter between her hands.

“You realize biology is against you,” she said. “Twins tend to run in families and both you and Rudyard are twins.”

Cordelia waved a hand.

“We’ll take our chances,” she said. “I just wouldn’t wish the kind of pressure Dad put on us on any of my children.”

“He would have done it whether we were twins or not,” Desdemona pointed out. “That’s just Dad.”

“But that isn’t my style. Or Rudyard’s.” Cordelia’s hand settled atop her swollen belly. “And anyway, we won’t know until the baby is born.”

“You should go for a sonogram.”

“Now look here,” Rudyard said, emerging from the kitchen and wiping his hands on a tea towel. “We won’t be invading our child’s privacy during what may be the last moments of peace he or she knows before being forced to join society.”

“The doctor doesn’t have a sonogram machine,” Cordelia explained.

“That too.” Rudyard sighed. “Are you sure you want to deliver on Piffling? There’s still time to change your mind…”

She didn’t and three months later, when their daughter was born, Cordelia had been given so many painkillers that she lay passed out in her hospital bed while Rudyard, Desdemona, and Rudyard’s twin sister, Antigone, took turns holding the baby and hovering around her. 

“You need to name her,” Antigone said, handing the baby back to her brother. “Rudyard…”

“I’m waiting for Cordelia,” he said as if it was the most rational response. “If that means the baby doesn’t have a name for an hour longer…”

“Rudyard…”

“Two hours.”

“Didn’t you and Cordelia have a list of names for both genders?” Desdemona asked helpfully. Her brother-in-law loved lists and Cordelia had always appreciated cataloging. Rudyard patted down his trouser pockets and paled. 

“It was in the other go bag,” he confessed. “I meant to make copies but…”

“Jesus wept.” Antigone threw her hands up. “Isn’t this just typical?”

“Remind me to judge your split decisions when your wife is in labor someday,” Rudyard snapped venomously. The baby made a fussy noise in his arms and he shushed her, rocking her in his arms. 

“I’m going to get a coffee,” Antigone said. “And when I come back, I expect you to have your shortlist ready to review.”

She disappeared from the room, leaving Desdemona alone with Rudyard for what must’ve been the first time since they’d met. Silence ensued. 

“You know,” Desdemona said after two minutes and she felt sure Antigone wasn’t coming back any time soon, “my family has rules about naming.”

“Yes, so I’ve heard. I quite admire them, even if I think you and Cordelia should both be in therapy for what your father tried to pull with you,” Rudyard said. “But only a multisyllabic name would do with the last name Funn. And something serious. This child will one day run Piffling’s only funeral home.”

“Our parents favored Shakespearean names.”

“Shakespeare was a hack. Give twelve chimpanzees enough time and typewriters and they could just as easily write Hamlet.”

“I’m sorry you think that. Ophelia would be a lovely name.”

“Oh, yes. Ophelia and Cordelia. The rhyming wouldn’t at all make me feel like the odd man out.”

“Then pick something that doesn’t rhyme,” Desdemona said. “There’s Juliet, Beatrice, Rosalind-”

“Will you forget Shakespeare for a moment?” Rudyard snapped. “Cordelia and I agreed to expand our options.”

“To what? Dead authors and Greek tragedies?”

“As a matter of fact-”

“Christ.”

“That’s how my family chose to do names. It’s every inch as viable as the Roach Approach.”

Desdemona raised an eyebrow and stared not at Rudyard, but at her newborn niece, pink and wrinkly and looking out at the world with unfocused eyes. She softened a bit.

“Maybe not a Greek tragedy,” she said softly. “Do you really want to condemn her to a lifetime of sorrow?”

“Antigone turned out perfectly fine.”

Desdemona made a skeptical sound. Rudyard looked up and then nodded.

“Right. Fair enough.” A pause. “Are there Greek myths with happy endings?”

“Not for the women in them.” 

Rudyard’s shoulders slumped and he eased into the armchair in the room. He cast a weary, side-along glance at his wife’s unconscious form. He looked helpless for a moment but smiled with sad fondness. 

“We talked about using musical terms. Cordelia liked ‘Allegra’ but I think it’s a lot of pressure to name your child ‘Happy Funn’. Imagine all the smiling she’d have to do.”

“What did you like?” Desdemona asked.

“Cordelia told me we couldn’t name our child Mandolin.”

Desdemona’s jaw dropped so far, it was practically unhinged. When she finally found her voice she said - “Where is the middle ground on this?”

Rudyard frowned. 

“You said not to ascribe Greek tragedies to her, in light of Antigone and what have you.”

“We’re only brainstorming until Antigone gets back. What did you and Cordelia both like?”

“Calliope.” Rudyard’s voice was small and soft. He smiled down at his daughter. “It does double duty - it’s a musical instrument and a greek goddess. One of the muses. It fits all the syllabic requirements and I can so easily imagine leaving all my worldly possessions and accomplishments to Calliope Funn, even if she takes after her mother and prefers to be a musician. I would be so proud of her either way.”

“I think you have a name.”

“Yes, I quite think so too.” 

For the first time, Desdemona saw a little something of what Cordelia did in Rudyard. When Cordelia came to, she was so pleased with the name and the baby - Calliope - that there wasn’t time to tell anyone that she’d realized why her sister stayed with Rudyard Funn.

[alivingfire]

Ohmygod I love podcasts!!! Can you rec me some? It's hard to find good ones sometimes.

YES! I CAN! 

i’ve been knee deep in podcasts for about three months now, and i have, apparently, wide and varying interests, so i’ll put a little descriptor of each. also, i listen to podcasts on the Stitcher app, but i think all of these are on itunes if you prefer that, and i linked the websites if you want more info. 

DARK STUFF

my favorite murder - this is 100% my favorite podcast now, but the first time i listened to it, i had to switch it off. start from the newest episodes, get a feel for it, and then you can go back and start at episode one, which is still interesting but before the hosts really find their footing. basically, karen and georgia are two friends who love true crime, so they talk about their favorite weird murders and mysteries. it’s dark, but it’s also really funny (they’re both comedians) and i think they learned to really strike a balance between jokes and the serious stuff. they’re also super feminist – their sign-off at the end of each episode is “stay sexy, don’t get murdered.” 

someone knows something - canadian investigative journalist david ridgen tackles unsolved mysteries, one story per season. if you like documentaries, you’ll like how this podcast is set up. ridgen interviews witnesses, friends, families, police officers – basically everyone around the cases he’s looking into. it unfolds like a story and you really feel like you’re right in the middle of it. you don’t have to start at season one, but definitely start at episode one of whichever season you pick, because these are episodic and won’t make sense if you go backwards. 

lore - this podcast is SO GOOD, and it’s actually just been turned into a short miniseries on amazon prime that is incredibly creepy and well done. lore is written by a horror author, aaron mahnke, who takes you through the scariest stories and legends, and how they came to be part of our world. the first episode is about vampires, and it legitimately has such a twist ending that i screamed. if you like spooky, mythology and legend and history-based stuff, this is the best. 

LEARN STUFF

literature and history - think about your favorite dorky teacher who makes ridiculous jokes and is so. genuine about learning and teaching that you get interested in the subject because he’s so interested in the subject. now imagine that guy was a harvard professor who totally knows his shit and he starts a podcast. starting from the beginning of history, this guy takes you through the pieces of writing that have changed the world. he’s super soothing and i’ve already read a couple of books he recommended. definitely start at episode one for this one, chronology is important and he builds on each episode. 

no such thing as a fish - if you like dry british humor and trivia, this is the one you’ll want. the writers of the super famous british panel show QI (the show stephen fry hosted) talk about their favorite random facts that they discovered and researched that week. super funny, and you’re still learning. 

good night stories for rebel girls - if you are a strong woman or love strong women or want to someday be a strong woman, listen to this podcast. this is still relatively new, but the format is amazing: the writers and hosts turned the stories of real women throughout history into fairytales. incredibly inspiring, and you get to learn about awesome women you might have only vaguely heard of. 

nancy - the best lgbtq podcast you could ask for. lgbtq people, stories, histories, pop culture, and interviews that will absolutely have you bawling. this is an NPR podcast, so it’s interview-heavy, but the subjects are handled well and there’s no queer tragedy here, it’s all very hopeful and realistic without being pessimistic. 

ENTERTAINMENT STUFF

ID10T - this used to be called nerdist, and it’s hosted by chris hardwick, the guy who used to host @midnight on comedy central. basically, hardwick and either his cohosts or a famous person – as of this post, the last guest was antonio banderas – talk about ~~nerd things of the week: movies, comics, video games, tv shows, etc. etc. it’s basically just pop culture, at this point (because video games aren’t just for nerds anymore, kiddos), but what’s fun about it is that hardwick is incredibly unapologetic about absolutely loving the things he loves. it’s more fun to listen to this guy geek out about stuff than listening to other people find ways to criticize the things you love, i promise.  

gilmore guys - pretty much what it says on the tin - two guys watch gilmore girls and talk about each episode. you’re probably wondering why you would want to listen to some random guys talking about a show you (presumably) love, but they’re really careful to stay away from anything mansplain-y or judgmental. one of the guys, kevin, is a huge gilmore girls fan, and the other host, demi, is watching for the first time, so it’s interesting to hear their discussions, especially regarding race, homophobia, and a lot of other issues that the the show writers tiptoe around. definitely don’t start at season one for this show – it’s super rough and there’s even a little minute-long intro on the very first episode that says so. start at about season three, there’s not a lot you’ll miss and they’ve got a rhythm down by that point. 

STRAIGHT UP STORIES 

welcome to night vale - if you’ve been anywhere near podcasts or, tbh, tumblr, for the last few years, you’re probably at least slightly aware of WTNV. in all honesty, it lives up to the hype. it’s not scary so much as unsettling, very southwest gothic and supernatural. WNTV is the story of a strange town in the middle of the desert, told to you by cecil, the town’s local radio broadcaster. cecil tells you all about what’s going on in night vale, from the shadowy city council who sends monsters after people they disagree with, to the radio station’s cat floating in the bathroom, to old woman josie’s angels that hang out in her house. it’s interesting because, underneath all the unsettling creepiness, it’s super feminist, super pro-lgbtq rights, and super anti-authority/anti-establishment. if nothing else, cecil’s voice is one of the most soothing of all the podcast voices, and the quality of the writing and acting is superb from episode one. 

wooden overcoats - hands down one of the funniest dramedies i’ve ever seen or listened to. wooden overcoats is the story of a tiny british island, where brother and sister rudyard and antigone funn run the island’s only funeral home, at least until a guy named eric chapman moves his own funeral home in right across the street and ruins everything for them. everyone, from the mayor down to antigone herself, falls head over heels for chapman, and rudyard has to find a way to keep the family business running even though he’s not very good at his job and would prefer to do as little as possible. the voice acting is SUPERB, and i genuinely mean it’s hilarious, with lots of gallows humor and funny timing. 

the penumbra podcast - the penumbra is a hotel in the middle of nowhere, and every person staying there has a story. some of the stories are one-offs, and some of them, like the story of juno steel, space private eye, are recurring. it’s very old-timey radio style, lots of noir monologues and humphrey bogart-esque one-liners. some of the early episodes are rough, but they’ve actually gone back and re-recorded the juno steel ones, so they’ll be the best to start with. 

the bright sessions - do you like superheroes? do you like the dark side of superhero stories, where people with powers have to deal with being different and strange and emotional all while trying not to accidentally time travel or read someone else’s mind? this one’s for you. the bright sessions are therapy sessions between dr. bright and her patients, who are atypicals, or, basically, superheroes without the spandex. dr. bright helps her patients work on controlling their powers, all while a shady secret government organization watches overhead. you’ll want to start from episode one on this story, but you’ll probably immediately have a favorite patient. 

the bridge - another not so creepy, but more unsettling podcast. set in a slightly-different alternate universe where there’s a hundreds-of-miles-long bridge that stretches across the atlantic ocean from the united states to europe, you join a bored traffic reporter as she tells stories from other watch towers and stations along the bridge, which, after decades of use, is mostly abandoned. all the while, creepy stuff starts happening on her watch, and she and the other bridge employees have to figure out if they’re really in danger, or if they’ve been at sea too long. 

the truth - a lot like the penumbra podcast, the truth is a collection of short stories, acted out like actual movies. the first one caught and hooked me – what would’ve happened if apollo 11 didn’t land on the moon, and instead became the first space tragedy? the stories are (again, i have a pattern) dark but funny, and they’re incredibly creative. 

PODCASTS I HAVEN’T STARTED, BUT THAT ARE ON MY LIST: 

you must remember this - classic stories from the classic hollywood era, from marilyn monroe to charles manson and a lot more early stars we’ve completely forgotten about. 

wolf 359 - stories set in a space station floating out in the middle of nowhere, the crew of wolf 359 search for alien life and try not to die lightyears away from home. 

alice isn’t dead - made by the creators of welcome to night vale, so i’m sure this is good. alice is a truck driver who has to road trip around the country (and beyond) to find her missing wife.

the podcast history of our world - a lot like literature & history, this guy is just so excited to teach that he makes you excited to learn. he’s also really good about covering underrepresented people, which is more interesting than learning yet again about history from the side of colonizers.

EOS 10 - i have at least listed to the first episode of this, so i can confirm what everyone says: this is basically the show scrubs, set in space. a lot of doctors who think they know what they’re doing but are really on their own with no clue what to do.

heaven’s gate - more true crime! heaven’s gate was a cult that committed mass suicide in 1997. the host dives into the lives of the cult members to prove that anyone could’ve been caught up in the story.

if anyone has any recs, i’m happy to add to my list!

[loverboybrightsideghost]

i should print out a picture of antigone funn and staple it to the ceiling above my bed so i see her every time i wake up

[petrosapian]

Hey I'm gonna respond to this just cuz you said that you found it confusing and you didn't really explain you point past just posting a quote from the series. Also I just feel like rambling and I've been wanting to debate some

To make a long story short: I think its funny and really that should be enough. I like to say plenty of things should happen season 4 not because they make sense but because i think they would be funny. this is a comedy podcast and i wanna hear funny stuff and an interaction between the two has never failed to make me laugh.

But to go more in depth about this, Antigone's character arc has largely been centered around wanting to expose herself into the world and find love. If you go to her character description on the website half of it is about her feelings for Chapman. She has been growing in the past three seasons about her motivations and we have seen them kind of form themselves but she still struggles with things. At the end of season 4 she declared herself as an equal member of Funn Funerals, doesn't mean that's now static, she still fights for control. Where is Antigone's romantic aspirations going to go in season 4? It may not involve Chapman directly but I still want to see them indirectly at least. She's been hit on at least four times on the show and has shown no interest in anyone but Chapman. I'm sorry but I think her never really confessing and coming up with a personal epiphany isn't exactly the most satisfying conclusion, she seems to now be channeling all her interest in him into a more rival figure than before, which is still very interesting and I would argue romantic in a fun messy way.

Also a big part of what season 4 is going to be about is Chapman and we've seen his opinion of Antigone especially grow and change over the three seasons and that's just not going to be a plot point that is totally dropped. They're half the main cast they're gonna interact it's gonna be funny.

I don't particularly think they'll end up together at the end of season 4, as funny and entertaining as I would find it, (I'll joke it depends what episode i listened to last though. rights for undertakers underground) but I think you should realize there is more saying you like two characters in something that "omg this is my otp theyre perfect together" no. i just think toxic straight couples are funny.

Antigone, deciding not to follow the script of the play she's in and talk about her real feelings for eric instead of the love confession her character was supposed to give: "No... no, I haven't [got anything to say to you]. I really thought I did but... I actually haven't anymore. Because Charlie I... feel like I've been wasting my time, and if I told you why I'd be wasting even more of my time and really I'm tired of wasting my own time! So I suppose... the thing I have to say to you is that, ultimately, I have nothing to say to you on this subject." :/

half of the fandom still: omg can't wait for them to start dating in s4 they're so in love look at them

[thimblings]

AHHH!! YES!! um. prepare your eyes, this is gonna be a long, rambly post because apparently i have A LOT OF FEELINGS and i can’t just list things like a normal person. and i also kept remembering podcasts and the list JUST KEPT GETTING LONGER. so. GIANT TEXT POST, i am so so so sorry. also, there are actually a few on this list that i’m not caught up with (some i’m like REALLY behind on) but i’m still gonna rec them... 

Welcome to Night Vale is the one i’m sure most ppl know of (although! if you have not read the novel, i’d HIGHLY recommend getting the audio book version. Cecil Baldwin does a great job of reading, and the “Voice of Night Vale” sections actually feature guest stars. i really want Cecil to do more audio book recordings omg). but!! along that same theme (radio show in a strange town w/ supernatural themes), King Falls AM is spectacular (ben and sammy are just! a freakin delight i love them). IMO it starts off feeling like it’s trying to be like WTNV, but within a few episodes it finds itself and becomes something unique (i say this bc i was initially put off by the first episode for that reason, and later came back and gave it another shot and enjoyed it immensely). it’s funny, it made me cry a few times, and i reaallyyy really really need to catch up with it. sammy stevens also has….just….a really nice voice hahaaaa The Truth is a great one. it’s mostly one-off short stories, but they’re generally really high quality and the plot of most of the episodes is really thought-provoking or just interesting in general (there’s one ep about aliens who find the Voyager craft with its recording that’s just really charming to me). the tagline “movies for your ears” is really apt. a lot of the stories veer on the side of unsettling/creepy, and it’s great if you like horror stories. i’d also recommend The Black Tapes and its sister podcast, Tanis. i love horror and unsettling mysteries, so these are right up my alley (Tanis is definitely more in the sci-fi/horror genre, but i like how it also digs into real unsolved cases and events). these are relatively well known, at least in that my friends who don’t listen to podcasts have listened to TBT at least. but they’re still great to check out if you haven’t. Limetown is really good, but ends on a cliffhanger and as far as i know there’s no immediate plans for a season 2? (i remember reading something about  them in talks for a TV show? which would be cool, but i’d miss the audio format of it). the first season is worth listening to, because it is really interesting and the audio production is pretty top notch - just be aware that a second season may or may not happen. what i’ve listened to of Hadron Gospel Hour so far is SUPER enjoyable, but i’ve only listened to the first few episodes.  arsPARADOXICA is FANTASTIC (at least the first season and a half that i’ve listened to). sally grissom is a great character and a brilliant and  scientist and i’m just really in love with her. this is a nice podcast because it has very capable women in it and the concept overall is really fascinating and handled really well. The Cleansed, set in a post-apocalyptic US, is well written and overall well produced (there’s one ep that still sits with me, because of a scene that truly unnerved me, just in the music and the atmosphere and the dialogue just ahh) and i’ve been meaning to pick it up again. In that same vein there’s We’re Alive, which is of the zombie variety. i’ve only juuuuust dipped into that one, but i’ve enjoyed what i’ve heard so far. this one has been around for a long time, like WTNV, so there’s a lot of episodes and a lot of content available. THE BRIGHT SESSIONS! i’m really really fond of this one and i just really love it, please listen. it’s about a psychologist who works with people who have “special” abilities, and all of the patients she helps are just so! precious!! i just love them a lot. Wooden Overcoats is a GREAT podcast that is pretty much the audio version of all my favorite British comedies that i watched growing up (think Fawlty Towers, Are You Being Served?, etc). it’s a comedy podcast about two competing funeral parlors (one of which is owned by the Funn’s). it’s exactly my kind of humor, and everyone involved just seems really great and kind. Antigone Funn has great lines and HONESTLY i’m surprised i haven’t seen more people quoting her and this podcast because it’s just! really great. and i don’t THINK this is a sister podcast to WO, but i always associate the two because they have some of the same people working on them but - Hector vs The Future is great. again, i haven’t listened to many episodes, but i’d still recommend it. it’s slightly different than other podcasts on this list because it’s actually filmed/recorded in front of a live audience. Homecoming is a short podcast (only 6 eps and the eps are pretty short) that i THINK is meant to be part of a larger, written universe (which i want to check out). it’s about soldiers with PTSD. this one actually has some well-known people involved - both Oscar Isaac and David Schwimmer voice characters and do a great job. The Darkest Night is another one with big names involved - Lee Pace is the narrator, which alone makes it worth checking out. overall, i’ve enjoyed it, but some episodes veer into areas i was kind of uncomfortable with (Tic-Tac-Toe is the one i’m stuck on and why i haven’t finished it yet ahh).  AND OK i really really really like space and space stories and space adventures, so my favs all have that in common hahaha Wolf359 is kind of like. okay, it’s about three people and an AI on a space station, light years away from earth - and the communications officer records his reports by pretending he’s doing a radio show. it starts off fun and humorous and things are great and then before you know it, you are going to be driving from Wichita Falls to Dallas and have to pull off on the side of the road because you’ve started sobbing while listening to it in your car. this podcast is fantastic, with a great cast of characters and strong women and DOUG EIFFEL and just. it’s very good. (i am ashamed to admit that i’m actually SUPER behind on this one. p much, i’m at the point where kepler and crew are on board but i’m only a few eps into this storyline). THIS is actually the podcast that really got me on board with the whole audio drama scene and just like….SCOURING the internet for more that would captivate me in the same way. This one is actually ending with this last season, which i think is a good thing? it’s very plot and character focused and i’m glad that they’re telling a complete story and HONESTLY! i’m just really excited to see where everyone involved goes from here. EOS_10!!!!! similar to Wolf359, it’s about a space station. there are a LOT more people there though (it’s more like an intergalactic hub). it’s about a doctor, his recovering alcoholic doctor-boss who he’s trying to help, a nurse who is spunky and maybe a bit psychotic, a hypochondriac alien-former-prince, and a “alleged” “terrorist” living in the cargo bay. idk this podcast just makes me incredibly happy. the writing is witty and fun, the characters are lovable and flawed, and i’ve listened to the whole two seasons at least 3 times because it just fills me with joy (my favorite dynamic always: assholes who are friends and they love each other but they also just….insult each other constantly. and somehow they save the world? but they’re still assholes). the universe of this show is really interesting without ever feeling like an info dump, and the unfolding mystery is very intriguing. WARNING: this show has been on hiatus for awhile, so there are only two seasons right now. but honestly??? it’s completely worth it. (obvi i’m hoping a third season will eventually come, but i enjoyed the first two enough that i love it regardless haha). and, finally, my current obsession. The Penumbra Podcast. it’s pretty much everything i’ve ever wanted in a series ever - detective film noir, but in space (on Mars), and literally everyone is queer. there’s a main story line (”Juno Steel and the [blank]”) and then one shots between each Juno story. the one shots are fantastic and really show the strength of the writers - sometimes being creepy, other times just being entertaining. The Juno Steel stories are the main running plot, done in the style of old detective radio shows - but also kind of twisting and upgrading the genre to be more inclusive and diverse. Juno Steel is a canonically non-binary and bisexual private eye (also canonically grumpy, sad most of the time, and a huge nerd who laughs at his own awful jokes in HIS OWN MONOLOGUES), and is the type of character you want to punch for being frustrating but who you also want to just…be…happy and protect from the universe. the writing in this is fantastic and beautiful and all of the characters are captivating. even one-off characters have a ton of personality and just add to the diversity/representation of the show. the voice work is top-notch and just!!! it’s so good!!!!! i have so many feelings!!!! (Juno hits close to home for me, with his self-esteem issues and depression and just…yeah, so i gushed about him there. i have a lot of feelings about the other characters but i’ve seriously rambled so much already so I WILL REFRAIN. also? gushing TOO much about a certain someone spoils the enjoyment of getting to know them at the same time Juno does) i REALLY enjoy audio drama-type podcasts so that’s mostly what i listen to. i’m also really into true crime and weird theories and occult stuff, but i’m particular about the podcasts i listen to for that. basically, i get attached to a specific host(s) and it’s hard for me to listen to anyone else talk about similar things haha. so as far as that goes, i love The Last Podcast on the Left (haha i get a bit nervous rec’ing this one because it’s really offensive, mostly in the early eps, and is def not for everyone but honestly!! i just love these boys a lot, and they discuss p much everything i’d ever be interested in ever). this one also led me to listen to Page Seven, which is celebrity gossip but honestly just really enjoyable to me. Two of the hosts from that show (Marcus is a LPOTL host as well) also do another show called Sex and Other Human Activities, which i’ve listened to a bit and enjoyed and deals with a lot of different issues - like sex, but also delving into depression and different things the hosts and their friends have gone through. but as far as non-fiction podcasts go, that’s pretty much it? i’m still planning on checking out Radio Dispatch, but that’s honestly mostly because it’s Molly (from Page Seven) and her brother and like i said, i have a problem. other podcasts i know of and have been meaning to check out: Hello From the Magic Tavern, The Adventure Zone, Pleasuretown, Lesser Gods, Tales of THATTOWN..... and ok, probably others but this has gotten excessive i am so sorry friends (some of the links may accidentally be wrong and i am very sorry)

[walkingshcdow-a]

Title: The Best Revenge is Loving Well Rating: K+ Summary: Rudyard joins Chapman for an evening chat and it quickly becomes a study of the haves and have-nots in Piffling Vale. Confessions are made and blessings are counted. AU.  Ships: Vicyard ( @tinfoiltemplar ), Mashap ( @hcpebelief ), mentioned Chapman/Lady Templar/Simon Templar

“-And here is last year’s Christmas pageant,” Rudyard said, pulling yet another photograph of his children from his wallet and laying it on the bar in front of Chapman. 

Calliope, dressed as a scowly shepherd had been called upon by the Angel Gabriel - better known as her younger brother, James - because he was too embarrassed to tell Mary that she would soon give birth to what may or may not have been the savior of the world. Somewhere in the attic, filed neatly by a determined Victor and Georgie, the recording of the play collected dust. Every year, regardless of what their children had been cast as, Victor recorded the play and every year, even though they’d all seen it at the church, the Trevor-Funn family gathered around the ancient television set to rewatch Calliope and James take part in Piffling’s hottest take on the miracle of Christmas. Usually they did this while the goose or turkey or mallard or what-have-you finished off in the oven. Family traditions filled Rudyard with delight, but it was especially the family traditions he now forged with his husband and sister and children and Georgie that mattered most. Until raising a family of his own, Rudyard had been content to blindly follow in his parents’ crooked footsteps. Now, the path ahead felt more purposeful, clearer, less homicidal. 

And he relished the chance to show it off.

Weekly drinks with Chapman hadn’t been Rudyard’s idea. In fact, when his much-hated rival first invited Rudyard to the pub in Chapman’s, Rudyard had complained about it for three days straight.

“The nerve of the man!” he said, wildly swinging a hammer to finish building a coffin. “When he knows I don’t drink! Doesn’t he know I have better things to do on a Thursday night than sit around that pub of his?”

“Darling, have you considered that Mr. Chapman wants to make amends with you?” Victor asked, eyeing Rudyard cautiously. He side-stepped easily when the hammer clattered out of Rudyard’s grasp. “This rivalry of yours is beginning to feel…”

“What?” Rudyard growled. “Do you think we’re losing?”

“I think it makes you more vicious than I’ve seen you since James’ custody hearing.”

“Your ex-wife deserved every ounce of vitriol I showed her.”

“But does Chapman?”

“Of course he does,” Rudyard snapped, picking up the hammer from the floor. “He’s stolen nearly all our business in a matter of weeks, pushed me out of the village council, and tried to steal Georgie from us.”

“Yes. And in return, you’ve stolen his mail every day since he arrived, sabotaged several of his funerals, and made yourself sick with envy.”

“I maintain that that was food poisoning. Calliope’s ceviche is deadly.”

“All I’m saying-” Victor massaged Rudyard’s wrists gently as he wrapped his hands around them. “- is that it might be healthier to focus on the things you do have.”

“Mm.” Rudyard set down the hammer. He shook loose from Victor’s grasp to stroke his hair, then his cheek. “I do have several amazing things Chapman will never have.”

Midway through kissing his husband, Rudyard realized how best to revenge himself on Chapman. As such, he began to accept Chapman’s weekly invitations to talk shop in his pub and Rudyard took every opportunity to show Eric Chapman the things he had that Chapman did not. Wedding photos. A lovely, kind, brilliant husband. Two children who lit up his life. A sister to lean on when the business became a bit of a strain. An assistant who was practically a better sister than Antigone. The world’s laziest bulldog. A best friend who, in addition to being a best-selling novelist, was a mouse and gifted conversationalist.

In short: a family. 

In fact, Rudyard had rebranded Funn Funerals in these last few months. It was true enough that they got the body in the coffin in the ground on time - of course they did - but they were also the only family-owned and -operated funeral home on the island. It didn’t recuperate all their business, but it helped them make ends meet. And, more importantly, it allowed Rudyard to remind Chapman weekly of the areas in which he was clearly superior. Chapman was as popular as Rudyard was unpopular, but was he loved? Did he have a wallet full of a life truly lived? Or children’s artwork tucked in with his filing? Or someone who convinced him to make curry for dinner even though neither of them were dab hands in the kitchen? 

As Chapman nursed his third light ale of the evening and Rudyard sipped on skim milk in the near-empty pub, Rudyard felt a surge of elation at Chapman’s slumped, defeated look. He decided to push his luck. 

“I think I have some photos from the wedding in here, too,” he said, knowing full well that he did. “You should see Calliope as a flower girl…”

“You’re really lucky, Rudyard,” Chapman said, voice slightly slurry from the alcohol. “Really lucky. How many years has it been?”

“Seven, almost eight,” said Rudyard. He fished for the photo he wanted. “But Victor and I were childhood sweethearts. We’ve known each other since we were five years old.”

It didn’t serve Rudyard’s narrative to talk about his wife who died when their daughter was too young to remember her. It didn’t do to talk about Victor’s ex-wife who treated him like scum and tried to snatch custody of James a few years ago, despite having no maternal instinct or interest in James except as a bargaining chip to get more alimony out of Victor. What did serve him was the picture of Calliope and her new brother at the wedding ceremony, sitting at the foot of the altar with flower petals strewn everywhere and James’ pudgy fist grasping her pin-straight hair as he sat in her lap at their fathers’ feet. Alighting upon it with an “a-ha!”, Rudyard offered the picture to Chapman to view.

“They really are good kids,” Chapman said. “You ‘n Victor did a good job.”

“I like to think so,” Rudyard said, preening a little. “Calliope very well might be a genius - no doubt she’ll run you out of business if I haven’t by the time she’s old enough to run things - and James… James is the kindest boy I’ve ever known. He reminds me so much of Victor at that age…”

“I always wanted t’ be a dad.” Chapman’s voice was hazy. “I’d be a good dad, wouldn’t I?”

“I’m sure I don’t know,” Rudyard said. 

“It’s not too late,” Chapman continued. “I could have a kid. If I wanted.”

“I’m sure,” Rudyard said dryly. Then, a little too gleefully, “But you’d need a partner for that and marriage - and parenthood - is not for the faint of heart. Over half of all marriages fail. I’m very lucky that I’m married to my best friend in all the world. He’s really the best man in the world. I’m afraid that whoever you could con into marrying you would have to settle for second place.”

Chapman laughed weakly.

“I dunno about that,” he said, reaching for his beer bottle. “If you knew this woman like I know her…”

Rudyard paled a little.

“Of course you have someone in mind,” he said. Then, horror flooded his system as he thought of a severely pretty blonde with an obnoxious laugh and a glass eye: Victor’s aunt Vivian. “You do know Lady Templar is married, don’t you?”

“Vivian?” Chapman sputtered. “Oh, no. Not Vivian. She’s great and all, but she and Simon… Well, he’s great, too. They’re a great couple. And I’m lucky they have an open relationship - it passes the time.”

Rudyard gripped his glass of milk tightly. Any trace of a smile had fled his face entirely. There were some things about Vivian Templar he never needed to know and, unfortunately, he was now imagining the most unseemly things that he would have to carry with him home. And out of consideration for Victor’s sanity, he wouldn’t be able to share his horror with anyone until Georgie clocked in tomorrow morning. 

“I think I have some more pictures…” 

“No, I don’t mean Vivian at all.”

“Now, look here, Georgie has told you multiple times that she’s not interested.”

“You don’t know her at all,” Chapman said. “She’s someone I met a long time ago.”

“Of course she is.” Rudyard began to pick up his photographs and tuck them back into his wallet. “Everything’s always ‘a long time ago’ with you.”

“We met doing doctors without borders,” Chapman continued. 

“You’re a doctor now?”

“I studied medicine at Oxford a long time ago,” Chapman mumbled. “But, not exactly, no.”

“Oh, good lord…”

“Masha.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Her name. Masha. Masha Voronina. She was - is - a nurse practitioner. Brilliant woman. Russian, spoke five languages. Licensed masseuse - talented hands - trained jazz singer… We used to go hiking together for miles and she’d always find the best views.”

“I see.”

“We used to meet up every year - sometimes every few months - either because we were assigned to the same hospital or because I happened to be passing through wherever she was stationed. And we would have the most passionate, wild nights, if you know what I mean.”

“Well, that’s not exactly a subtle way to put it…”

“Sometimes, we would be backpacking together and camp out and I’d wake up and see her sleeping in the tent next to me and I’d think: this is it, Eric. It doesn’t get any better than this. You’re in the mountains of Monterrey with the most gorgeous woman you’ve ever seen. You just spent the night mapping the stars with her and she’s still here and you could be happy like this, every morning, absolutely anywhere if she wakes up beside you. And I’d think I should propose to her. But I never did.”

“I’m sorry,” Rudyard said. “But that sounds incredibly stupid. If you really loved her, why wouldn’t you propose to her?”

“It’s not that simple,” Chapman said. He slid his bottle between his hands, clearly thinking, but about what, Rudyard didn’t dare guess. “Not all of us are lucky enough to marry our childhood sweethearts and raise a family.”

“Now, look here,” Rudyard said defensively, “Victor and I were certainly lucky, but that doesn’t mean our marriage wasn’t hard work.”

“Oh no?” Chapman cocked an eyebrow. “You married your best friend and are raising two brilliant kids with him, running Piffling’s ‘only family-owned and -operated funeral home’, making homemade dinners together every night. I’ll bet the most you’ve ever fought is over which sheets to put on the bed this week.”

“That’s not fair,” Rudyard snapped. “Victor and I overcame insurmountable odds-”

“Like what?”

“His sodding family disowned him for marrying me, for one thing.” Rudyard scowled. “Why do you think Lady Templar hates me? I’ll bet you didn’t know she was Victor’s aunt.”

“It’s never come up.”

“And for another thing, those brilliant kids of ours didn’t just get dropped off by a stork, you know. I was married before - when Victor was off placating his horrid family, I met someone and fell in love. Cordelia. She used to run the Piffling Music Emporium. She died when Calliope was six months old. Do you have any idea what being a single father entails? I didn’t sleep for three years. Meanwhile, Victor’s parents married him off and his ex-wife, the miserable hag, cheated on him and lamented having to carry his heir to term. His heir! Better known as our son! We spent months in court with her to get full-custody of James. I’m bloody grateful he doesn’t remember those months. That neither of them remembers a life before this!” Rudyard jabbed his finger at the picture of his children on his wedding day. “Yes, I’m lucky, but marriage really isn’t for the faint of heart.”

“Blimey.”

“What on earth could be so trying you haven’t even tried to propose to this woman you love so much?”

Chapman muttered something inaudible.

“Speak up.”

“I don’t know where she is anymore,” he murmured. “We used to write letters, but I haven’t gotten mail since I moved to Piffling and I just think… Maybe she got tired of me? Maybe she would have, regardless. She’s a wandering spirit and we met when we were young and reckless. How am I supposed to know if she would even fancy the idea of settling down here, with me?”

“Are you really going to let the fear of rejection stop you from proposing to this woman?”

“I don’t have her current address!”

Rudyard thought about a drawer filled with Chapman’s mail that, maybe if he was feeling benign, might merit another look through. 

“Yes, well, that might be a bit of a setback,” Rudyard said. “The course of true love never did run smooth and what-have-you.”

Chapman sighed. He leaned into his hands heavily. His fingers tangled in his blond hair and Rudyard almost felt sorry for him. He didn’t know how to react and so gingerly patted Chapman’s shoulder. 

“If I’d asked her when I saw her last,” Chapman mumbled, “we’d be married four years today. Maybe we’d have a kid or two by now. Who knows?”

Rudyard didn’t have the heart to tell Chapman that weddings typically took a lot more planning than he made it sound and that he would likely only have been married to Masha for two or three years by this point. Instead, he drained the remainder of his milk and pushed away from the bar. 

“Who knows, indeed,” he muttered. “Well, Chapman, I really should be getting home to my family for the night. I don’t want to worry Victor…”

“Do you think we would have been happy?” Chapman asked, gripping Rudyard’s wrist. “Do you think Masha would have loved me enough to marry me? Even if it was as difficult as your marriage has been?”

“I have no idea,” Rudyard said. “But if you love her even half as much as I love Victor, you’d be willing to make it work, whatever the obstacles.”

A small smile turned up Chapman’s lips. Rudyard didn’t like the feeling of having inspired hope in his hated rival. 

“You’re a wise man, Rudyard Funn,” Chapman said. “Thank you.”

Rudyard mumbled something and walked briskly home across the square. When he opened the door to Funn Funerals and was greeted by pictures of his family and the sounds of his husband going over history homework with the kids from the kitchen, he relaxed. Maybe he hated Chapman and maybe he liked having something Chapman didn’t, but maybe, just maybe, even Eric Chapman deserved some measure of happiness. Rudyard joined his family in the kitchen to see Calliope drawing on James’ forearm while Victor reviewed homework. He greeted them each in turn, finally pecking Victor on the lips.

“You’re back early,” Victor said, smiling a little. “Did you successfully demoralize the competition by showing him baby pictures of our children?”

“It’s been a productive evening,” Rudyard said. “Victor, love, do you know where my file folder of Chapman’s mail has gotten off to? There’s something I need to check for…”

[walkingshcdow-a]

✿ -I mean...

who is more excited for Halloween? Halloween started a BIG FIGHT one year because Rudyard tried to turn Funn Funerals into a haunted house for revenue and Victor didn’t appreciate having their home invaded. All Victor Trevor wants for Halloween is for Georgie to take the kids trick or treating, Antigone to hand out the candy, and to run off to a masked ball with his husband JUST ONCE but will Rudyard do that? Noooooo. He has to order customized Funn Funeral gummies to give out as treats and put fake spiderwebs in the hallway and try to convince Victor to be a bloodstained Victorian ghost. Why is this their life?

who gives the best gifts? They’re both pretty good at giving each other gifts. Rudyard’s gifts to Victor tend to be more practical and Victor’s gifts to Rudyard tend to be more sentimental during their early years of courtship until, around their fifth anniversary, they realize that Victor wants the sentimental gifts and Rudyard wants the practical gifts. Once they figure that out, the gift-giving game is on. 

who sings along to the radio the loudest? Yes. They both sing together and neither of them is great, but it often turns into dancing in the kitchen or mini-concerts and a lot of laughter and a little bit of kissing. 

who actually finishes a book they’ve started? Victor has never not finished a book he has started. Rudyard finishes historical texts and biographies easily, but there are books on a reading list Victor gave him when they were seventeen that he still hasn’t finished and he hasn’t told Victor that he hasn’t finished them yet. Classic literature is challenging and he cannot believe Victor’s education centered on the classics. Granted, even if he hasn’t finished these books, he will start conversations about them, just so he can play with Victor’s hair and get him to gush about the books.

who falls asleep during a movie? They both do. They’re exhausted and won’t admit it and they fall into a cuddle pile midway through. 

who plans a surprise getaway vacation? Victor is the only person who can out plan Rudyard. He wants so badly to surprise his husband, just this once, and he makes the arrangements months in advance. Rudyard doesn’t know what to do with this gesture, but flustered and giddy and worried about how the business will fare without him, he just kisses Victor and accepts that they’re going on the first vacation he can remember taking in his adult life.

who comes home with useless decorative knick-knacks for the house every single day? I wouldn’t say they’re “useless” but Victor slowly makes Funn Funerals homier and filled with little things a house ought to have. Like furniture. 

who takes more pictures? Victor. He’s more tech-savvy and so takes tons of pictures of their family. The halls are lined with pictures Victor has taken and he’s gotten quite good over the years.

who likes baths? who likes showers? They both prefer showers for the efficiency, but Rudyard will sometimes persuade his husband to slow down and take a bath (alone or together) to relieve the tension in his muscles. I live for the image of them in the tub, Victor pressed against Rudyard’s chest, their legs entwined as they try to wash away a particularly taxing week. You KNOW they’ve taken showers together “to save time/water” but really to fool around, entirely slippery and giddy, only to realize the logistics of shower sex aren’t practical and so they have to take it back to the bedroom and shower again after to actually get clean. 

who keeps a weekly planner?: They both do. Victor’s is actually better organized than Rudyard’s. Rudyard thinks this is incredibly sexy of him. 

who actually watches the discovery channel? VICTOR. He will stay up wayyyy too late watching it and when Rudyard finally hauls him to bed, he wants to talk about homesteading in the Alaskan wilderness, and Rudyard is like “Victor, darling, we would die in a week if we were homesteaders. Go to sleep.” 

who brings up having kids first?: We generally RP them as each bringing a child to the marriage from a previous relationship. ALTHOUGH there is that part of me that wants them to have a baby (or both their babies) via surrogate and get to go through the anticipation of parenthood. In such a case, I think Rudyard brings it up first because I think Victor might be too scared they’ll screw up to suggest it, even if he wants a child so badly. God, can you imagine these two with baby fever? 

who fixes things around the house when they break? They both try. They both really, really try. I think Rudyard ends up fixing more things than Victor, but that most often they have to get Georgie to fix things. 

who leaves their dirty towels on the floor? Oh, neither. That would drive them both insane. Sometimes the kids do it and Rudyard has a conniption while Victor explains how the laundry hamper system works. Again. Patiently. For the sixth time this month.

who makes the coffee in the morning? It depends on who is up first. I feel like Victor is usually up first and so it follows that he’d make it... but I also feel like making hot beverages is one of Rudyard’s love languages so he likes to do this for Victor.

who gets jealous over very petty things? RUDYARD. He is a petty, jealous bitch of a man. 

who exercises more? VICTOR. The man exercises like he’s training for... something. Rudyard worries that he might be a zealot and endangering himself, but he really can’t (and won’t) argue with the results. (Although, side note, his favorite look on Victor is fit-but-has-definitely-eaten-a-few-good-meals-this-month. He likes knowing his husband is healthy.)

who starts listening to Christmas music in October? Neither of them is that crazy, but Rudyard probably starts playing it first and Victor joins right in.

who actually reads the newspaper? They both do. Victor keeps trying to convince Rudyard to read international (or at least national) newspapers, but Rudyard is like “I bet your newspaper doesn’t have a story about a cat with twins!” and is HORRIFIED by the general state of the world outside of Piffling. Victor will make an avid and well-rounded newsreader out of Rudyard yet.