#anti-rollisi

[aries-rising-on-an-aquarius-tide]

In chronological order:

- Kathy & El getting back together after separation (pregnancy, sure, just divorce ffs)

- What they did to Chester Lake

- taking Calvin from Liv

- killing Sister Peg

- the entire Lewis arc

- Tuckson

- Townhouse Incident 🤬

- Noah getting kidnapped

- Barba leaving (the Euthanasia storyline was amazing, he just should have stayed)

- Everything w Peter Stone, except for Mea Culpa & Dear Ben

- Rollins' Dad showing up

- Simon's death

- Fin calling off the wedding

- Rollins & Carisi getting together

- Kat's exit

- Garland's exit

- the thing with Burton 🤢

- what they did to Barson's relationship

- any & all gratuitous trauma that Liv has been put through post-ROTPS due to the show's refusal to deal w EO's relationship

- Rollins leaving

[polkadotpenguin16]

The Five Stages of Grief: Anger

A/N: sorry it took me so long to get this up! It's been a crazy couple weeks and I hadn't had any time (or will, frankly) to do any editing. But it's here now! Also, guess who finally got an AO3 account? The story's posted over there now as well.

Pairing: Sonny Carisi x female reader

Tags: still angsty; language

Word count: 3.4K (I'm sorry, I got carried away!)

Previous parts: Prologue | Denial

After Amanda got her kids in bed, she decided to catch up on The Bachelor. He was about to give away his final rose when she was interrupted by her door buzzer. Begrudgingly, she got up to see who could be stopping by at this hour.

“Who is it?” She asked through the intercom, annoyance evident in her voice.

“Um, it’s Carisi. Can, uh…can I come up?”

That’s definitely not who she was expecting. Intrigued, she buzzed him in. She answered the door to a crestfallen Sonny. His hair was in disarray when it was usually cemented in place with gel. It looked like his eyes were red from rubbing them.

Her face of confusion morphed into one of sympathy. “I take it dinner didn’t go well?”

Sonny stood in the doorway with his mouth agape. He was completely lost for words. This was not where he planned on being tonight. But he didn’t want to be by himself, so he came to Rollins looking for the support of a friend.

“Why don’t you come in?” Ushering him inside, she observed his disheveled clothes as he dragged his feet through her living room. He was really out of it. She went into her kitchen looking for something to cheer him up. “It was pizza night at the Rollins household, if you want some.” She called to him while rummaging through her refrigerator. “I can get you a beer or—”

Peeking around the corner, she saw Sonny sitting on her couch. Resting his elbows on his knees, cradling his head in his hands. It looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. You must’ve said something pretty awful at dinner to have broken him like this.

Changing course, she grabbed some glasses and a bottle of bourbon from the cabinet and joined him on the couch. “So, let me take a wild guess.” She poured a glass for him and herself. “She didn’t accept your apology?”

He picked up his glass and took a gulp. “Didn’t even come by for me to give it.”

“Ouch…” After hearing how you walked out on him, Amanda didn’t think dinner and an apology would fix much. But she at least expected you to tell him to his face. “That’s cold.”

“You’re telling me,” he replied flatly. He took another swig, welcoming the burning in his throat. Anything would feel better than the disappointment coursing through his veins.

“Can’t even believe it,” he huffed while staring at his glass. “I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me by missing a dinner reservation.”

“You know, if that’s all it took to ruin it…maybe it wasn’t all that good to begin with.” Amanda thought Sonny might’ve been looking at you through rose-colored glasses.

“I thought it was.” His face was full of sorrow and remorse as he finished his drink. “I know we haven’t spent as much time together lately. But when we were together, I thought we were doing fine.”

“What’d she say when she left?” She asked, trying to gauge your actions as she poured him another drink.

“She was tired of being an afterthought.”

She puffed out a breath and shook her head. “Well, I guess she didn’t know what she was signing up for when she decided to date a cop.” Amanda knew the toll working at SVU took on having a personal life. It was a balancing act that required a lot of sacrifices from romantic partners that most weren’t willing to make. You weren’t from their world. You probably wouldn’t understand.

“I’ve been trying my best.” His voice was dripping with frustration and exhaustion. “Trying to be a good detective, a good brother, a good boyfriend…”

“I know you have.”

“Then why can’t she see that?”

“What’s she expecting you to do? Quit your job?”

“I don’t know! She won’t even talk to me!” Exasperated, he slammed his glass on the table. This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go. You were supposed to be home together. Apologizing to each other. Hugging one another and promising to do better.

“Look, Carisi, maybe you need to let this go—”

“I don’t wanna lose her, Rollins!” That was his worst fear. With all the horrors he’d witnessed, he was petrified something would happen to you. Something that would take you away from him. He just never thought that something would end up being himself.

“Okay, okay.” She set her glass down and grabbed his arm, trying to grab his attention. “Now, I don’t claim to be the expert on relationships here. But if this was it, the ‘true love�� you thought it was, would she have walked away so easily?”

Sonny’s hand began to tremble. He didn’t want to think about that possibility. He loved you and was doing the best he could. He was trying to make everyone happy. Why wasn’t that enough for you?

“I just wish she’d talk to me,” he muttered quietly.

“I’m sure she will,” she reassured him, patting him on the shoulder. “She can’t ignore you forever. But make sure you’re prepared for what she’s got to say.”

He picked his glass up and gazed down into the brown liquid. Swirling it around, he searched for answers as to what went wrong and what to do next. Unable to find any, he took another drink.

Fin and Sonny had to go out to Brooklyn to talk to a witness. After they finished the interview, they walked back to their car as Fin tried to make him feel better.

“Look, man, all I’m saying is it could be worse. At least you got the apartment.” It wasn’t working. “When my ex-wife got mad, she’d kick my sorry ass out. Spent a lot of time couch surfing those days.”

Sonny could barely hear what Fin was saying. He was preoccupied with his raging headache, courtesy of his hangover from yesterday. He was pissed. And the more he thought about it, the more pissed he got. He texted you late last night and this morning hoping you’d respond.

Doll, please answer me.

I can’t fix this if you don’t talk to me.

Are you just gonna ignore me forever?

But he was met with radio silence. He was at the end of his rope. A relationship was a two-way street, and he couldn’t repair it alone. He was beginning to think you had no interest in trying. He was brought back to reality when he recognized a familiar bank a few blocks ahead. Your bank.

You could avoid his calls and texts, but there was one thing you couldn’t ignore.

“What’d you say we grab some lunch before heading back? I’m starving.” Fin asked as they passed by a deli.

“You go ahead. I, uh…got an errand I need to run. Meet you back here in twenty.” He picked up his pace and sprinted down the street.

You were busying yourself with work. Color-coding your spreadsheets. Reorganizing your filing cabinet. Again. There was a lot of thinking to do, and you were just not up to it.

The texts from Sonny didn’t go unnoticed. It felt like your phone was burning a hole in your pocket. You knew you needed to talk. You were only avoiding the inevitable. Conflict really wasn’t your thing. You were more content to suffer in silence than voice your concerns. Being so passive helped you get through life. But it also got you walked over on multiple occasions.

You weren’t sure if you could move forward together. You wanted you to kiss and make up. Pretend like the other night never happened. But you knew things would inevitably fall back into the same pattern. Back to going to bed alone. Weekends by yourself. Sonny coming home an exhausted shell of himself. You couldn’t watch him waste away. Nor could you watch him put all his spare energy into caring for another woman. All your emotions were floating around inside you like a whirlpool. They were all tangled together, and you couldn’t separate them enough to know how to explain them to Sonny.

You were going to talk to him. Just…not yet.

The front door opening made you look up from your computer, and you were shocked by what you saw. It was Sonny, swiftly walking towards your desk. And he looked upset. A deer in headlights would’ve looked less stunned than you.

“What…what are you doing here?” You sheepishly asked as he stared you down.

 “We need to talk.” His voice was clipped, answer direct.

“I’m at work, Sonny.”

“Well, you’ve ignored all my other attempts to get your attention.”

“I’m not ignoring you,” you lied poorly. “I’ve just been…busy.”

Not liking your answer, he huffed and crossed his arms. “Why didn’t you come home yesterday?”

“I told you. I needed some time.”

“Well, exactly how much time do you need?”

You didn���t have an answer to that. Your leg started bouncing, and your heart was pounding in your chest. God, why did he have to just show up here? You were already nervous about talking with him before he came. You wanted to get your nerves under control before you met so you could share your feelings with him calmly and eloquently. You weren’t expecting to get ambushed.

“You know, this isn’t even fair. I’ve apologized and tried to make things right, but you won’t even give me the time of day.” Sonny was beyond irritated, his voice becoming steadily louder. “You disappeared in the middle of the night, unable to be reached. Did you know I’ve been worried sick about you?!”

“Everything okay out here?” Your boss called out from behind you. A few colleagues were peeking out to see what the commotion was.

“It’s fine.” You put on a weak smile. “Nothing to worry about.” Your boss eyed Sonny up and down. Suddenly realizing how this looked, he uncrossed his arms and took a deep breath to relax his face. He then felt bad about showing up angry and unannounced. Although he took a small comfort in knowing that your boss cared enough to check on you in a situation like this. Your boss gave you a questioning look, and you gave him a reassuring nod in return. Satisfied enough that nothing dangerous was occurring, he reluctantly returned to his office.

“I’ll come by later tonight, okay?” You had to get him out of here before he got security called. “Now, will you please leave before we make a bigger scene?”

“That’s all I asked for.” He turned on his heel and walked out.

You were surprised to see Sonny made it back to the apartment before you. He was sitting on the couch, looking pensive. Nervously, you walked over to sit on the opposite side. It felt strange being so far away when you had been so close just a couple of days ago. You both sat there for several minutes without speaking.

The silence was killing Sonny. He wanted to rip the band-aid off. To yell, fight, scream, something! He needed to move past the conflict part of this story and get to the happy ending. He wanted to hug you. Smell your hair. Whisper how much he loved you and that everything was going to be alright. But you wouldn’t even look him in the eye.

Fiddling with your sweaty fingers, you tried to figure out how to explain what you felt. But that was easier said than done. There was some deep-seated fear that saying it out loud would make things worse than they already were. You wanted to swallow your feelings and bury them deep inside. To keep them from hurting anyone.

“So, that’s it?” Sonny asked, unable to stay quiet any longer. “We’re just gonna sit here and not say anything?”

You were frozen in your seat. Searching for the right words and the courage to say them.

“Okay, don’t say anything and just listen.” He turned himself to face you. “I know things have been hard for us lately…”

You had a difficult time hearing Sonny over the ringing in your ears. You started to feel lightheaded and your breath quickened. It felt like you were floating outside of your body, looking down at the two of you. You just wanted to disappear.

Sonny could see that you were not hearing his words. He was losing you, even as he sat beside you, to some dark place in your mind. He needed to get you back, to focus on him. “Doll, please you at me,” he pleaded softly, breaking you out of your trance.

You slowly looked up. When you connected with his sad blue eyes, the corners of yours began to feel moist. But you tried to keep any tears at bay. You were not going to cry. You’ve cried enough already.

“How did we get here, sweetheart? How do we get back?” He reached across the length of the couch and offered you his hand, hoping you’d let him pull you out of the darkness. He wanted to be a beacon through the storm he saw in your eyes. A storm of raw, painful feelings that he had no doubt caused.

But you couldn’t take it. Not now.

“Sonny, I don’t know…it’s not that simple—”

“What do you mean ‘it’s not that simple’?” He was trying to remain calm but was starting to lose his composure.

You needed this to stop. Maybe ending things would be better for both of you. No more fighting. No more tears. “I think it might be best if we—”

“Don’t finish that sentence, please.” Shooting up from the couch, Sonny knelt in front of you and grasped your hands. You didn’t pull away, but you couldn’t look at him. “Tell me how to fix this,” he desperately pleaded. He refused to give up on you. “Just tell me what I have to do so we can go back to how we were!”

You took a deep breath, trying to find your voice. “I can’t go back.”

Sonny’s eyes filled with disappointment. “What, why?”

Your instinct was to shrink back into yourself. But you mustered courage you didn’t even know you had. “I’m tired, Sonny. I can’t wait around for you to choose me.”

“Choose you?” He was stunned by your words. “What are you talking about? I’ve chosen you every day since we’ve met!”

This was what you wanted to avoid. You didn’t want to make him angry. You didn’t want a fight. But you were in too deep now.

“I know you think that.” You tried to keep your voice from trembling. “But I’ve felt so lonely in this relationship. It feels like everybody gets the best of you, and there’s nothing left for me.”

He didn’t understand. How could you think that? How could you not see how much he loved you? “Why haven’t you told me this before?”

“When did I have the chance?” You replied with a sigh. “When you got off work in the middle of the night? After you came back from taking care of Amanda?”

This realization hit him like a ton of bricks. He released your hands and took a step back in disbelief. “So that’s what this is really about?” He couldn’t believe that you would think that way. That you thought of him that way.

Your arms were shaky from adrenaline. Arguing like this went against every fiber of your being. “Sonny, she sees more of you than I do.”

“She’s my partner. We work together,” he replied, emphasizing his choice of words.

“It’s not just work,” you countered. “You with her at work, you’re always at her place. Sometimes it feels like you’d rather spend time there than at home…with me. And I’m left here all by myself.”

“That’s not fair!” He snapped defensively. “You have friends and family around you, and she’s got nobody.”

You couldn’t help but huff at his response. “You’re right, I do. Thought I had a boyfriend, too.”

“The hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“You said it yourself.” You steadied yourself and stood up from your seat. “She has nobody but you. What does that sound like, Sonny?”

“It’s not like that and you know it.”

“I do?” Your cheeks began to flush, and your hands clenched into fists as you raised your voice to match his. You desperately wanted him to hear you. To see your side. “Do boyfriends stand their girlfriends up after canceling date night for two months? Or do they take them home and cook them dinner because they had a bad day?”

You left Sonny speechless. He’d never seen you so angry before. Why you were being so unreasonable? “What more do you want me to say, doll?” He asked through gritted teeth. “I’m sorry about missing dinner. I made a mistake. I thought you’d be more understanding since I was helping a friend.”

“This is more than just missing that date,” you retorted. Months of bitterness were coming to the surface. “This is about you burning yourself to keep everyone around you warm. Are you even happy, Sonny?”

“Excuse me?” He asked, dumbfounded by your question.

“You’re gone from dawn ‘till dusk, working a job that’s draining the life from you. What little spare time you have, you spend it taking care of everybody else. When was the last time you did something for yourself?”

Sonny brows knitted together as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “So you’re saying I should ignore when people need my help?”

You groaned and stamped your foot. He was completely missing your point. “I think you need to start thinking about what matters to you!”

Tensions were high and you were both tired. Physically exhausted, and tired of fighting. Neither of you were thinking straight and were spewing words you didn’t mean.

“This is all because you’re jealous?” He accidentally blurted out in a fit anger. “You’re seriously jealous of a lonely, single mother? You’re—” Sonny bit his tongue to stop himself from going any further. He was losing control of his temper and speaking without thinking things through.

Your jaw dropped in shock from his words. Something snapped inside you, and you could hardly recognize the man in front of you. This wasn’t the Sonny you had fallen in love with. “Not anymore. She can have you.”

You marched towards the door, past a red-faced Sonny. You could’ve sworn you’d seen steam pouring out of his ears. “If you walk out that door, there’s no coming back!” He bellowed at you.

But you ignored his warning. Looking over your shoulder, you yelled, “I’m done third-wheeling this relationship. You can fuck her all you want now!”

You slammed the door and ran down the stairwell. Once outside, you leaned against the building, then collapsed to the ground and sobbed. Your pulse was pounding in your head. It felt like your lungs had collapsed in on themselves, making every breath you took a struggle. You were shaking uncontrollably, experiencing a full-blown panic attack. What did you just do? How could you say those things?

Reaching his boiling point, Sonny punched a hole in the wall. The impact shook the apartment, and one of the picture frames on the mantle crashed to the floor. Needing to cool down before he caused any more damage, he sat down and took some deep breaths, not even noticing the pain radiating from his knuckles. He was disgusted by your accusation. But also equally appalled by what he said. He didn’t mean it. Could never mean it. He didn’t want you to leave.

Once he had his emotions under control, he took a second to observe the aftermath of his rage. A hole in the wall, broken glass on the floor, and a bruised hand. Completely drained, he thought it was best to try and get some sleep. He dragged himself to his bedroom to take off his sweat-drenched clothes and crawl under the covers, hoping sleep would overtake him. But as he stood at the foot of the bed, he couldn’t bring himself to sleep in there. This was your room.

The bed you shared.

It was only a tiny one-bedroom apartment, but he felt so lost in there without you. It wasn’t home if you weren’t here. He grabbed a pillow and blanket and stumbled into the living room, resigned to sleep on the couch. He got as comfortable as he could on the small sofa and closed his eyes. As he tried to fall asleep, the red-hot anger that had fueled him began to diminish. All he was left with was a feeling of emptiness.

Alone. He felt alone.

[beauspot]

Amanda Rollins does not deserve Sonny Carisi

i am pretty much always in support of women in relationships (especially fictional) just because statistics are on women’s side, HOWEVER, amanda rollins is genuinely a terrible person and I don’t understand why she and carisi are together.

amanda victim blames women constantly (but gets defensive if the victim is a man?? like pick a standard) and she has done this for like a decade, she forgives men around her for the worst transgressions though.

she will always side with cops even in situations where they’re CLEARLY in the wrong like that woman who’s husband was abusing her. on top of that her simply being mean to people around her. she insulted nick multiple times and called carisi stupid and hasn’t apologized for it. she only goes to him when she’s having problems and even hijacked a moment where he was having his feelings about a vic DYING IN HIS ARMS to make the situation about herself.

meanwhile carisi is kind, he’s open, he’s always there for the victims, he helps with her kids, he cooks, he’s forgiving and she takes major advantage of that. she knows how he feels about her and it’s only after he starts seeing another woman that she suddenly realizes she feels the same? bull.

i’m not saying she had to get with carisi just because he liked her, it’s her choice. i just think the writers should have had him end up with someone better.

yeah yeah, amanda feels like she doesn’t deserve a good man because of her past blah blah blah. i get it abuse and trauma can warp the mind, believe me. i get it. but this doesn’t give her the right to be toxic as hell and rarely ever apologize for it.

let’s all just be very honest for a minute if amanda didn’t look the way she looked ✋🏻, would anyone have put up with her mess this long? i think we all know the answer to that question.

carisi deserves someone like him, kind, caring, loving, so he can taking a freaking day off of caring about everyone else around him. instead he’s become a permanent babysitter. and they have completely altered his character to fit with hers. i don't know if it's just me, but from season 16-20 carisi was very bubbly and kind, now? he has become so mean. the best way I can explain this is through the relationship between kat and sonny. seasons 16/17 sonny and kat would be best friends. in the seasons kat is actually in they couldn't be any more different.

let me ask you. would early seasons sonny be caught dead in a situation that could even be misinterpreted as cheating? no. what happened to him?

and then the ship has the audacity to be forced and boring. r*llisi shippers are very insufferable to me and I want you to know now. no one cares about your opinion or the canon of the show.

i think what pisses me off the most is that they never even gave sonny a chance. we basically only got one serious sonny relationship which was with nicole (a black woman btw) and she was in what? 2 episodes??? then she never appears again and we’re supposed to assume they broke up or something before sonny makes out with rollins.

i feel like sonny was the most himself around amaro and barba, since they left he’s just…different.

[cabensqn]

controversial opinion but cabenson and rollisi are the best svu ships

[yezzyyae]

I hated how Law & Order:Special Victims Unit tries to make Amanda Rollins this woman that no man on the show can’t resist! Fuck out my face (I am not sorry for cursing) Amanda was a horrible ass mess! I don’t see why Nick Amaro was soo in awe of her raggedy ass & omggg don’t get me started on Dominick Carisi with this stupid ass crush on Amanda!

It’s horrible ass writing because I don’t see Sonny Carisi wanting to marry Amanda Rollins because he was a devoted Catholic so her having 2 kids & she was a horrible ass mess & a whore! Sonny Carisi deserved to be with his black gf named Nicole Harper because she was able to handle him & never tried to dim his light. Amanda always try to make it seem like she is the smartest person in the room & she don’t think Carisi is on her level! Amanda always bullied Carisi I swear they acted like brother & sister not sexual partners! Ewwwww Omgg and I bet Carisi don’t even know she was fucking Nick Amaro in the past & now nicknamed their son “Nicky” smh a straight WHORE MOVE!

I HATE AMANDA ROLLINS AND DOMINICK CARISI’S RELATIONSHIP!

[sweetbagel-sticks]

I’ve never had the desire for an older man until I decided to get back into law and order a few days ago and laid my eyes on Sonny Carisi 😩

[tonymarias]

i think rollisi is a bad ship for a lot of reasons but the main one is that they look related

[barisiscourtroom]

wow. way to disrespect my wishes, anon.

normally i would have answered an ask like that, it was anti Rollins but not violently hateful, but since you clearly sent it as a response to me asking people NOT to send me Rollins hate, i will not.

and going forward, i will not answer to anything anti Rollins.

i still don't ship Rollisi, i still think she's not perfect and that she has fucked up, but i also know that that's the point, no one is perfect, as these shows constantly shove down our throats.

so while i previously could entertain some wanky salt sessions where i went a bit anti Rollins, going forward it'll only make me think of hateful assholes like you. the kind that makes fandom a less fun place to be. the kind that never respects other people's wishes because you have an opinion and it's more important than anything else that you get to say it, regardless of the consequences. to take another fandom as an example: the kind of people that has made me hate Destiel to the point where i get annoyed 98% of the time i see anything Destiel, because some of the hellers are so fucking disgusting (and loud) in their hate towards anything they deem icky (ie: anything that isn't their ship. ie: Wincest and Sam, two of my favorite things).

and i'm not doing that. this blog probably wouldn't have been a great place for Rollisi shippers and Rollins fans, not the worst but not great, but after you, anon? they'll be fine here. because i refuse to indulge in your disgusting hate campaign.

[southsidewrites]

I have never been so pleased as when I heard they were writing Rollins out of the show...

and then they went and got married.

[thena0315]

If you don't like my posts, then keep scrolling

No one's forcing you to comment on them

Those people WILL ALWAYS be sent to my block button where they belong. No reason for me to keep seeing your annoying notifications

That goes without saying to Rollisi haters

GOODBYE 👋

[enixamyram]

Rollins/Giddish is supposed to have left the show but they keep bringing her back… why can’t they just kill Rollins off as I’m sick of the nonstop Rollisi stuff as it feels like SVU has become the Rollisi Show

Ugh, that is honestly so off-putting. I'm not actually caught up with SVU. I think I was halfway through season 21 when I took a break to watch other things and that break extended itself and one of the main reasons for this is Rollins. Not sure I want to go back to it if she's gonna keep being as awful as I remember her being.

[polkadotpenguin16]

The Five Stages of Grief: Acceptance

A/N: That’s it! We’ve done it!! If you had told me a year ago that I was going to write a whole-ass story, I wouldn’t have believed you. But here we are – life’s funny, isn’t it? Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who’s been following along with my story. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I was capable of writing something anyone would enjoy reading. All the likes, reblogs, and comments have really added a sparkle to my life I didn’t know I needed. Also, extra huge thank you to the lovelies who reviewed, edited, and let me ramble on about my idea. This could not have been done without you and I am forever grateful <3

Pairing: Sonny Carisi x female reader

Word count: 2,985

Previous parts: Prologue | Denial | Anger | Bargaining | Depression

Also posted on AO3.

You didn’t need to tell Sonny where to meet you in Prospect Park. He knew the exact spot. On your fourth date, you took a walk through the park. Out of nowhere, it started pouring down rain, so you took cover under a gazebo. That was where you shared your first kiss, and that memory would forever be engrained in his head.

Even though you were fifteen minutes early, Sonny was already waiting for you in that gazebo. You shouldn’t have been surprised at this point. He sat hunched over on the bench with his arms on his knees. He looked up when he heard you but didn’t say anything. He didn’t look like your Sonny. The sparkle was drained from his eyes. He looked exhausted, like he hadn’t slept in days. You knew the feeling. You sat beside him on the bench, leaving an uncomfortable amount of distance between you. The tension from when you last met still lingered in the air, but the mood felt less defensive and more cautious.

“Thank you for meeting me,” you said to break the ice. Your heart was in your throat. Your anxiety wasn’t as high as last time, but you were nonetheless still nervous. Your hands were clammy, and your leg was restlessly bouncing, making the bench squeak beneath you. But you needed to be here, to make things right.

Sonny nodded in response. He was no longer despondent or resentful but still felt very guarded. He was prepared to accept the outcome of your conversation, whether that meant moving forward or moving on.

“Well, I have a lot of apologizing to do.” You rummaged through your bag to find your phone. “So I made a list to make sure I didn’t forget anything.”

Sonny didn’t come here today expecting an apology. He was the one who messed up, in his mind. But writing an apology as an itemized list was such a “you” thing to do. He was always fond of how meticulous you were.

You took a deep breath to calm your nerves before you began. “Let’s start with number one: I’m sorry for leaving that night. Packing up without a word was wrong, and I should’ve stayed and talked with you. Number two: I’m sorry for avoiding you. You reached out to apologize and reconcile, and I was unwilling to communicate. It was childish and unproductive of me to ignore you.”

You paused briefly to glance up at Sonny’s face. His expression was neutral, but you could tell by how his eyes were fixed onto you that he was listening intently. Sonny was so surprised by your words that he wasn’t entirely sure what he was feeling. He’d spent more time worrying about your feelings than examining his own. This apology was like a salve to a deep cut he hadn’t noticed. Closure he didn’t know he needed.

You looked back at your phone and continued down your list. “Um, number three: I’m sorry for the unforgivable things I said to you when we fought. I didn’t mean them, but I know that’s no excuse, nor does it take anything back. Number four: I’m sorry for being jealous of your relationship with Amanda. You assured me she was just your friend, and I should’ve never doubted you. You’re the best friend anyone could ask for, and I should not have made you feel bad for being just that.”

Sonny broke his gaze away from you. He felt ashamed that he’d missed what others had seen. And that you felt the need to apologize for his actions. That guilt-fueled churning in his stomach he’d become so familiar with made a return.

Still concentrating on your list, you resumed. “And number five: I’m sorry for not being honest about how I was feeling. I pretended I was okay with how things were and that was unfair to you. I should’ve been upfront when I started feeling neglected so that you could’ve had the chance to respond. I’m not apologizing here today with the expectation that I’ll be forgiven.” You wiped away the stray tears that managed to escape your eyes. “I know I’ve caused damage that I may not be able to repair. I want to be with you Sonny, if you’ll have me. I promise to be more open, understanding, and to communicate better. I love you, and I’m willing to put in the work to fix us.”

You put your phone away and gave him a look that you hoped conveyed all the remorse you felt. “If there’s anything else I’ve missed that I still need to apologize for, feel free to tell me. I’m ready to take responsibility for my mistakes.”

Sonny sat in silence for a beat, a solemn, unreadable expression on his face. You’d said your piece, and now you’ll have to live with the consequences. You held your breath and braced yourself for whatever he had to say next.

“…My hairbrush,” he said flatly. Unsure if you’d heard him correctly, you couldn’t help but give a confused look. “You took my hairbrush with you that night. My hair’s looked like crap ever since.”

You immediately burst out laughing, folding in half in your seat. He just wanted to hear you laugh again. It’d been so long since he’d heard your laugh. It was the most magical sound he’d ever heard.

“Well, I’m sorry for that, too,” you wheezed out as you tried to catch your breath. “I didn’t take it on purpose. That was cruel and unusual punishment.”

Now it was Sonny’s turn to laugh. He chuckled so hard his sides began to hurt. Any tension between you had disappeared. For the past week, you felt like strangers. After all the heartbreak and turmoil, you could finally recognize each other again.

“Thank you, doll, for that very thoughtful apology,” he said once he composed himself. “I forgive you, and I wanna work on fixing us together. But first, it’s my turn to apologize.”

“No, you don’t, Sonny. You’ve already—”

“Yes, I do,” he interrupted. “I don’t have a fancy list like you did, but I’ll try my best.”

You smirked and shook your head. He aways poked fun at your lists, and your lists for your lists. You sat back and gave him the floor.

“I’m so sorry I forgot our date. But more than that, I’m sorry for all the canceled dates before that. I know my job’s insane and keeps me away a lot, and you’ve been a saint to put up with me as long as you have. You’re my priority, and from now on, I’m gonna treat you as such.”

You felt a warm glow in your heart. Just a few words, and all the sadness from so many lonely nights seemed to fade away. You could’ve stopped him there, completely content with his apology. But you let him continue letting his feelings out.

“Also, I haven’t been the best at communicating either. I should not have lost my temper the way I did, or confronted you at work. I was angry and afraid, but I should’ve found a better way to express that. I’m gonna work on that.”

With each word he spoke, he could feel his soul getting lighter. Freeing himself of the guilt that had dominated him. And the gentle smile on your face told him that he was saying the right things.

“And with Rollins…you don’t have to worry about that anymore.” You opened your mouth to interject, but he held his hand up to stop you. “I understand where the jealousy came from. I just wish you’d told me sooner. But you were right. There’s only so much I can do, and I’m gonna take a step back. I know we can’t just go back to how things were, but I’d like to start fresh and take things slow. I thought I’d lost you—” his voice cracked as he held back his tears.

You reached out your hand from across the bench. What was only a foot or two felt like miles. Like a bridge across stormy waters, bringing you back together. Deeply touched, he took your hand, comforted by the familiar fit in his. “You’re the best part of my life and I’ve been taking you for granted. Can you forgive me?”

You looked at him with adoration beaming from your eyes. “I already have.”

He squeezed your hand and gently rubbed his thumb over your knuckles. “Y’know, if you still wanna walk away, now’s your last chance.” He wiped the last remaining tears from your face. “’Cause if you stay, I’m not letting you get away again. Ever.”

You turned your head to kiss his palm that was still lingering on your cheek. “No, Sonny, I’m not going anywhere.” You smiled and shook your head, sure in your decision. “There’s no one I’d rather be stuck with.”

Sonny’s smile was so bright, it could’ve lit up Time Square itself. He pulled you close and wrapped you in an impossibly tight hug. You’d almost forgotten how it felt to be held by him. How warm and safe his arms felt.

“I love you, sunshine,” you murmured against his chest.

“Love you more, doll.” He took your face into his hands and gave you a gentle kiss. You threaded your arms around his neck and kissed him deeper. Everything and everyone else at the park that day completely faded away – there was just you and him. Goosebumps shot across your body as you got lost in the taste of each other. A kiss that felt as if it were months in the making.

The tender moment was rudely interrupted by your stomach growling, causing you both to giggle. You hadn’t had much of an appetite for the past week, and it seemed like your anxious tummy ache had abruptly disappeared. Sonny sat back so he could see you better. “How’s about we get something to eat? I believe I owe you dinner at a fancy restaurant.”

“Maybe another day,” you replied. “I’d rather go home together and have you cook us something. Is that okay?” Hearing you say that made Sonny teary. You said home. With him.

Together.

He grabbed your hand and kissed it with an enormous grin growing across his face. “That’s more than okay, doll.” With that, you got up and began your stroll through the park back to your apartment.

Back home.

When you arrived, you decided to jump in the shower while Sonny started dinner. He hadn’t been to the store for a couple of days, so it was slim pickings. He found half a carton of eggs and a small cut of pancetta in the back of the fridge. Carbonara it is, then.

He just finished frying the pancetta when you returned to the kitchen. When he turned around at the sound of your footsteps, he was stunned by what he saw. It was you wearing his ratty, gray Fordham hoodie. It was such a normal, everyday thing for you to be wearing. But in that moment, after all you’ve been through, the gesture meant the world to Sonny. He started to feel the cracks of his heart begin to heal.

“Everything okay?” You asked, a bit concerned by his dazed look.

“Yeah, everything’s perfect.”

Sonny plated the pasta, and you sat down for dinner at your tiny table. It felt like ages since you’d gotten to talk to each other. You explained how you wanted to start therapy to work on your self-esteem and conflict avoidance. You wanted to be the best version of yourself for both you and Sonny. He was very encouraging and proud of you for being willing to take that step.

Sonny talked about how he was seriously considering changing his career. “It just feels like the right time, y’know? I’m just worried I’d be letting everyone down. I mean, what if I suck as a lawyer?”

“Listen to me,” you sat your fork down and grabbed his hand. “You’re not letting anyone down. You’re following your dream. Anyone who loves you knows that and will support you. Whether you’re a cop, a lawyer, or whatever, I’m gonna be here for you. And I’ll love you through it all. Even if you are a sucky lawyer.”

Sonny’s cheeks turned an adorable shade of red, and he tried to turn his head to disguise the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes. You reached for his chin and gently turned his face back to give him a sweet kiss. “Through it all,” you reiterated. Your gaze briefly shifted from his face to the living room behind him, something seeming awry. “Did you move the bookcase?”

Sonny wasn’t sure what you were talking about until he remembered the hole in the wall the bookcase was now hiding. “Um…how ‘bout we talk about that tomorrow? I think we’ve had enough excitement for today.”

Well, now your interest was definitely piqued. But he was right. There was no need to solve everything in one day.

Once dishes were put away, you decided to turn in early. To say you were both exhausted was an understatement. Sonny crawled into bed behind you and curled his whole body around you. Arms, legs, and all completely cocooning you.

“Sunshine, I can’t breathe,” you eked out from between his arms.

“Well, I told you I wasn’t letting you get away again,” he nonchalantly replied, tightening his grasp around you. “This is your life, doll. Just accept it.”

You belly laughed so hard you would’ve fallen out of bed if Sonny hadn’t been holding you so tightly. “Oh, I have!” You get out in between your giggles. “I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to worry about that.”

And he believed you.

“I love you, doll,” he whispered as he kissed your cheek. “More than anything.”

“I love you more,” you quietly answered back.

“Not possible.”

Sonny nuzzled his head into the back of your neck, completely enveloped in the familiar, comforting scent of your hair. He could feel the rise and fall of your chest. The sound of your breathing lulled him to sleep—the best sleep he’d had in months.

You woke up to the sun creeping in through the curtains. You glanced over at your alarm clock to check the time. 9:45. You’d gotten a much-needed good night’s rest. Sonny, too. He was still knocked out beside you, lying on his stomach with his arms sprawled out in every which way. You couldn’t help but stare. His face was so serene. You could almost make out the faintest hint of a smile. It was such a rare sight to see him so peaceful.

Beginning to stir, Sonny rolled onto his back and rubbed his eyes. “Enjoying the view, doll?” He called you out for staring. “Take a picture, it lasts longer.”

Your cheeks turned bright red, and you scooched closer to bury your face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around you and kissed the top of your head.

“I think it’s Sunday.” Sonny’s voice was still gravely from sleep. “We’ve got the whole day to ourselves. Whatcha wanna do, sweetheart?”

“Hmmm…” you briefly considered your options. “Well, staying in bed is tempting.”

“I could be convinced of that. That couch sure made me miss this old bed.”

You looked up at him confused. “The couch?”

“Yeah…” He gave you an embarrassed smile. “I’ve been sleeping on the couch the past couple nights.”

“Why would you do that? That couch is at least a foot too short you.”

“Wasn’t the same in here without you,” he said matter-of-factly. “You’re my home, doll.”

You’d never felt so in love with him as you did in that moment. “And you’re mine.” You brushed back the hair stuck to his forehead and leaned up to kiss him. He tangled one of his hands in your hair as he caressed your back with the other. Home was the best way to describe how you felt.

You were both startled by Sonny’s work phone ringing. Groaning, you rolled away from him. So much for a Sunday in bed. You swung your legs over the edge of the bed, getting up to make some coffee for him to take. But he grabbed your arm to stop you. He quickly checked his phone, then dismissed the call and turned it off.

“Don’t you need to answer that?” Sonny always answered his work phone. Night or day, whether he was on the clock or not.

He shrugged and shook his head. “Not my weekend on call. They can figure it out.”

“Sonny, I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“Pfft, they’re already short-staffed. What’re they gonna do? Fire me?” He poked your side, making you giggle. “Besides, I’ve got much more important things to worry about.”

“Such as?”

“Making sure my girlfriend is suitably cuddled.” He pulled you back onto his chest and wrapped his arms around your waist. It felt so comfortable. You were fighting to stay awake, but the rhythm of his heartbeat was so calming, it was lulling you back to sleep.

“Just close your eyes, doll,” he said as he ran his hand up and down your spine.

“But I haven’t seen you in forever.” You let out a huge yawn. “I feel like if I close my eyes, you’ll disappear.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Just go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

After a few more beats, you did indeed fall back asleep. Sonny studied your face, memorizing each detail. Every wrinkle, every freckle committed to memory. He couldn’t help but think about how lucky he was to get a second chance with you. Completely content with his life, he closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep, assured he’d have plenty of tomorrows to spend with you.

[yezzyyae]

Thank you!! Omggg I just don’t believe a devoted Catholic such as Dominick Carisi would want to chase & marry Amanda Rollins with her 2 kids by different men & all her judgmental ass ways! I hate Carisi and Rollins I don’t see no sexual chemistry or no attraction! I hate Carisi as the ADA he is soo boring and annoying! But seeing Amanda act like she is smarter than everybody in the room because she is a fake ass professor 🤦🏾‍♀️🤬like Dick Wolf please stop this show is getting soo corny!

Am I the only one that doesn’t like rollisi? He waited for all those years while she had kids with two other men, then once they got together she treats him like a secret. I’m so sick of them using her childhood and her past as an excuse’ like let her grow away from that and stop letting it define her. She knows everyone thinks that and secretly likes it cause she gets away with more. Plus Dominic is always there for her yet the same can’t be said for her always being there for him. Yet when he was seeing someone else, suddenly she needed him more than anything. Plus, Amanda thinks she knows better than anyone when in reality she’s kinda dumb and trashy. Anyways, thank you for listening to my rant.

[escapingrealtiylovinginsanity]

Sonny Carisi: Lucky To Have You 

This was inspired by my rewatch of episode 19x8. Amanda was so awful to Sonny. (I’m sorry I’m not a fan of the couple.) This came out of nowhere and wrote itself in two hours. Enjoy xoxo 

Warning: Anti-Amanda and anti-Rollisi content.  

You plopped down on the chair across from Sonny. His gaze jumped up to you startled out of his thoughts. Sonny had become a regular at the cafe you co-owned. He first ventured in three months prior. You knew he would be trouble and not because of the gun and badge attached to his hip. No, it would be a lot worse kind. 

The kind that would leave marks on your already bruised heart.  

You had found him attractive as soon as he had walked in and it hadn’t taken long for his personality to make him even hotter. His sassy attitude and genuine care for others were impossible for you to fault. You had instantly formed a crush. You had flirted shamelessly as he had ordered. He was friendly but didn’t seem interested. Over the next few weeks, you found out why as you developed a semblance of a friendship. He had feelings for another girl. She was a cop that he worked with Amanda. 

Under normal circumstances, you would have been able to let it go. Then he started looking to you for your opinion on the situation. He told you the nitty gritty of their interactions. You came to a quick calculated conclusion-  

Amanda Rollins was totally and completely using him. 

It made it so much worse that Sonny was head over heels for her. He wanted to be all in with her and raise her daughter Jesse as his own. You had delicately tried to tell him your opinion but he had transferred the blame of it not going smoothly to himself. You knew he wasn’t ready to hear it and didn’t want to.  

You had been there before yourself. So, you lent him a listening ear and let yourself be placed in the friend zone. Sonny was too magnetic to ignore. He made you laugh you’d rather have that as friendship than nothing at all.  

He looked so defeated in his seat staring at his sandwich instead of eating it. “You want to talk about it?” His gaze shifts up to you and he shakes his head in frustration.  

“I’m just stupid,” You think he isn’t going to continue but he does. Telling you about the work trip with Amanda to pick up a suspect. The late night at the bar, the bar fight, and how it felt so good to feel like he wasn’t just a cop. He had felt a connection with Amanda as they had fought together. He had walked her back to her hotel room thinking she had felt it too. Only to find the next morning that she had slept with the bartender.  

You wince sympathetically, “I’m so sorry Sonny.” You touch his forearm, trying to ignore the zaps of electricity, to comfort him. “But you are so much more than a cop.” You look back at the staff you have for the day. It is a good bunch. You redirect your gaze back to him with a bright smile. “Do you have plans for today?” He raised his eyebrow tilting his head as he assessed you. 

It had been enough of an agreement. You had led him out to your car urging him into your passenger seat. You let him pick the music and rolled down the windows to enjoy the summer heat. You thought he would ask where you were going but he didn’t. You had just left the city when you finally asked, “Left or right?”  

His blue eyes had shined when he directed you left. You guys drove around randomly for hours and Sonny seemed a lot happier. The two of you were talking and changing the music to songs the other had never heard of. You stopped when you realized that you had been out this way before. “Oh, hey I think I know where we are.” Sonny sat up and looked around. He realized he hadn’t been paying attention to where you guys had been going.  

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yeah, I drove up this way a few months ago.” You glanced at him admitting softly, “It was a bad day.” Sonny didn’t know why that surprised him. Everyone has bad days. But you had always seemed like a constant ray of sunshine. Even when you got frustrated or overwhelmed you always seemed able to laugh it off and keep a smile on your face. “You know we are only a little over three hours from Niagra Falls. I almost went last time when I stopped for lunch a town over and found out where I was.” 

“Why didn’t you?” You hummed softly to yourself, tilting your head back and forth in thought.  

“I don’t know. I’ve never been there before and it- It just didn’t seem like a place to go when you were sad and alone.” 

“Well, you’re not sad or alone right now.” You laughed clicking on your turn signal to head towards the amazing mom and papa diner you had found. 

“Yeah okay,” When Sonny didn’t join in your laughter you looked back at him. “You’re not serious- you want to go to the falls today?” Your excitement couldn’t be contained and leeched into your voice. “We’ve already been driving around for almost four hours and it's almost three. We would be home so late tonight.” Sonny just kept smiling at you with a raised eyebrow. You start bouncing in your seat. “Yes, yes, yes! Okay but first, I have to take you to the place with the best breakfast food you will ever eat.” 

Sonny ended up taking over driving after he reluctantly agreed that the diner was in fact the best breakfast he had ever had. The rest of the trip was just as lively. It felt like the two of you had fallen into a different level of friendship. The falls were amazing and Sonny let you linger for as long as you wanted. He snapped a few pictures on his phone making a comment about you guys coming back with his camera to take more pictures. You had to remind your over-excited heart that the two of you were just friends.  

You stayed until dusk and were ushered out with the park closing. It was late and Sonny was the one who threw out the idea of getting a hotel and starting back in the morning. You agreed, texting your opener that you probably wouldn’t be in until the middle of their shift, and if it got busy to call in the college student who was begging for hours. 

It was a cheap hotel that looked like it hadn’t been remodeled since the 60s but was in a safe area. He walked you to your door and thanked you for the trip. There was a lightness back in his blue eyes that made his smile seem even brighter. He was close to you, his body practically brushing yours. You could smell his cologne, rich and musky. It invaded your senses and you would blame that on losing control because Amanda Rollins was a fool and you would be damned if you were going to be one too.  

You tilt into him, pressing on your toes to steal a kiss. His lips are soft and taste of coffee. You let the sensations take over you as you drop to your feet. When you finally open your eyes you see him staring at you like a puzzle he can’t figure out. You wonder if you should apologize but that simple kiss was one of the best you have ever had.  

His hand cups your cheek as he slowly leans to kiss you again. You smile into the kiss and giggle giddily as he pulls back. His face still shows confusion even with his smile, “Anyone would be lucky to have you, Dominick Carisi.” His blue eyes blaze You turn opening the door. You look back and he is starting to step away- a gentleman as always. 

You had always been more demanding.  

You grab at his forearm and he pauses. You step back into the room letting your hand slide down until your fingers find his interlocking. Then you pull gently encouraging him forward. He follows you dotingly, the door swinging closed behind him.

 

Taglist: 

@polkadotpenguin16 

@pulparindos 

@rebeccapineapple 

[svucommentary]

Getting real sick of the recent anti-svu, anti-bensler and anti-rollisi making their way into my feed. Tag anti. It's not fucking difficult. You're not 'getting more exposure for the post'. You're deliberately trying to pick a fight with people who still enjoy the show. You have a right to say what you want and feel how you wanna feel, but at least respect the tag system on this website. You can BLOCK the pairing tags and even SVU tags if you hate hate hate it that much.

This website is meant to be a self-curated experience and people who hijack tags are deliberately ruining it for people that disagree with them. They are toxic to ANY fandom.

[rahleeyah]

I do wanna be clear about something like yes I have not made a secret of the fact that I don't like Amanda and I don't care for rollisi HOWEVER there is for me a huge leap from "I don't like this character" to "I am gonna sit around and talk shit about this character all day." I don't like her but I think she's really interesting, and she plays a vital role in the narrative and I'm not just gonna ignore that. I'm also not gonna be a place for people to air grievances that would be better served on their own blogs. This is not a place for calling Amanda "dumb and trashy"; she isn't dumb, and I am not gonna endorse morality judgements on her sexual choices, especially when those choices make sense in the context of her character. I have several anti rollisi and anti Amanda messages in my inbox atm and I'm not responding to them bc I'm not interested in starting fights and I'm not interested in reducing a complex character to nothing more than a bad faith interpretation of her worst traits. We love when Liv is making morally grey choices and acting out; how hypocritical to bash Amanda when she is making morally grey choices and acting out. Much of my issue with Amanda stems not from her behavior but how the show treats that behavior, and that's a more nuanced conversation than "she slept around too much." I love y'all and I love discussing the show with you but Amanda bashing is not the way I want to go about that.