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riverdale-retread · 1 year ago

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Riverdale S7 E4 Love and Marriage

Jughead and Ethel are in big doodoo. The principal has his own grim looking photo, unduly large, outside his office. The ego on this big ugly white man! Why is it so familiar? Hmmm.

The three hideous old people (well Sheriff Keller is handsome but that doesn’t make him any less hideous) are giving the Ethelhead the third degree, and Ethelhead are defending themselves the best they can:

The picture she drew of making mincemeat of her parents! → That was a joke!

The comic book issue with the murdering milkman! → She really did see one the night of the murder!

Why did Jughead hide all this stuff like a dirty secret? → Not answered because what he was trying to avoid is happening exactly right now!

Jughead sternly tells the agitated Ethel to stop answering questions until they talk to a lawyer. (Why oh Why can’t we have Ethelhead for real? They look really cute together. And his sweater’s red S matches her scarlet turtleneck ‘n’ scarf combo.

The way you know that Dupont (the now child psychiatrist, but my S4 loving self refuses to learn this new name they gave him) is a bad man is because he speaks in hoary cliches with such relish. “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Dude. Do better.

Ethelhead get hauled down to the station. On their way out of the school, Jughead is seen by Veronica, who is wearing her headband of pearls that makes her look like an angel. Jughead grimly tells her he’s being railroaded. Veronica in all universes is the right person to talk to when things are going wrong, so I’m hopeful things will work out for Jughead (though probably not Ethel, because Veronica doesn’t care about her so far this season).

Meanwhile, in the boy’s shower room, Jason confronts Archie. He wants to know how very dare Archie take advantage of Cheryl, going “all the way” with her. The general acceptance that everyone has even in this timeline of the Blossoms being weird people means Archie finds it perfectly normal to talk to Cheryl’s brother about sex while naked boys (well, American TV naked- two boys are showering in the back and one shirtless pantless one walks by in a towel) are all about.

Archie finds Cheryl and takes her to some room (not the music room, because the music room is for sexy times at Riverdale High) to confront her. He’s wearing very excellent white shoes. Cheryl is in the same shade of red all over like Ethel but I don’t suppose that means anything. Archie - for the benefit of the narrative but also because he’s a bit of a dim bulb is making sure that he didn’t just pass out and miss going all the way with Cheryl.

Can I just ask why Cheryl is so much better at faking straightness than Kevin? (This is in direct parallel with Kevin and Betty, of course.). It isn’t just a matter of Betty being smarter than Archie (she is) but also Cheryl knows how to be seductive with boys. The way she places her perfectly manicured hands on Archie’s chest is so perfectly calculated that he gets the heart shaped lighting happening in his irises.

Meanwhile, in fail gaydom with Failgay Kevin who I hate this season~ Betty and Kevin are outside where it is so cold Betty is sitting with gloves on and you can see their breath. Kevin does not want to have sex with Betty until they are married (or ever). Betty dumps him immediately.

Then she goes to go cry about it to the local closeted lesbian, who reacts with “Boys ruin everything.” At first Toni thinks that Betty is crying because Kevin tried to guilt trip her into allowing him to rape her, but Betty forthrightly tells her (through the most adorable scrunched up face of tears) that it was she who wanted to get laid. Toni continues to say the right thing - “More girls should do what you did!” Toni with all the right takes. She even calls Kevin by the right moniker - the ‘Supposed Boyfriend.’ Then she does what all gay girls do when consoling a hot girl upset about her ex boyfriend - ask her to be alone together in a dark room (THE DARK ROOM HAHAHA I see what you did there Riverdale), and maybe touch her leg a ilttle bit (which Toni also does).

Meanwhile - what a jam packed morning - meanwhile while Cheryl is seducing Archie and Toni is trying to seduce Betty after Betty dumped Kevin, Veronica is visiting Jughead in jail. The Stupid Hat Powers prevail so they are allowing him to still keep his crown.

Veronica, because she is wonderful, asks how Ethel is doing, to Jughead. But I don’t know how Jughead would know, since they are unlikely to be kept in the same cell. Jughead sounds very calm as he relays what he’s heard about procedure, but he’s got a double fisted death grip on the bars, poor thing. Jeronica have this two-brainiac-hipsters-vibing-off-each-other chemistry that I find completely enchanting. They literally speak in non stop references at each other which (TMI) is not at all fun to be next to but is DELIGHTFUL form of folie a deux. Anyway, Jughead in this universe is actually capable of advocating for himself instead of offering to die to solve things, and suggests that if he could get exonerated first, THEN he can help Ethel. Veronica is a woman always in search of a project, so she goes off to find the coroner of the town that Jughead naturally doesn’t know, in order to ascertain the time of death for Ethel’s parents.

Archie comes home to find that Mary Andrews, looking wonderful in royal blue with a strand of pearls, is disgusted and upset that her son has fucked Cheryl (allegedly). Archie is so uncomfortable about having to discuss sex with his mom that he crinkles his forehead exactly like Luke Perry used to in that show in the 90s. It’s not at all clear what upsets Mary most - having to receive a call from Penelope Blossom, having to talk about her son’s penis with Penelope Blossom, the thought of Archie having sex, the thought of Archie having sex with Cheryl, or having to talk about all of the above with Archie. I suspect it’s the choice of a BLOSSOM that upsets her the most, but she’s very funny to me. This actress’s slightly spaced-out line readings always bothered me, but she seems perfectly suited to this particular era. As she gloweringly passes Archie, he hunches down all cutely chastized. He has to put on a suit to go have dinner at the Blossoms!

And cut to dinner at the Blossoms! everyone is color coordinated in reds and blacks except for Mary who is wearing cream with a purple collarline. Clifford Blossom is dressed like Gomez Addams but he is nowhere near as fun. He is in fact a McCarthyite. To Archie’s terror (i love 50s Archie - he has such an endearing deer in headlights look), Clifford wants his thoughts on “the Russia problem.” Archie is looking around the room, and pieces together what he thinks the right answer might be like he’s trying to read hidden cue cards tucked into the corners. Russia! it’s a -. A Big! A Massive! Problem. [more pause] CLEARLY.

The way he gets told he’s a smart young man after sounding as dumb as a bag of broken bricks is how white male privilege works. Guys will literally say the most obvious, stupid thing and then older guys will promote them ahead of me and pay them special bonuses. The music director plays a ‘whimsical comedy’ type plinking over it but no, dear, this is how the world actually works. The way Archie goes from scared to smug in a nono second? Too real. Too too real.

The way Mary is just sat there ignored - nobody asks her what SHE thinks about anything - until Clifford summarily tells her they are going to have a talk later (not a question but an order) just is the icing on this shit cake.

Meanwhile, Cheryl and Archie go on a walk. In this universe, Cheryl never met Fred Andrews, which means “You’re looking especially DILFY today, Mr Andrews” or whatever the 50s equivalent is (You’re looking especially gitchy today?) never happened which means if this had been S1 of Riverdale I would never have been hooked! Archie says that his dad was his best friend (ah, but Archie were YOU the best friend to your father? I bet not!). They went to the movies together almost every weekend. Even before he left for the Korean War, apparently Fred’s fantasy was to go out west with Archie (and JUST Archie) and live as cowboys (with JUST Archie). Thinking about running away somewhere makes Cheryl feel romantic (???) towards Archie. It looks genuine, which is very disconcerting.

Toni is all smiles as she leads Betty down the steps to the Dark Room only to see that boys indeed actually do ruin everything - Kevin is there, slowdancing with Clay. I mean, this is exactly what Toni was hoping to do with Betty, I would think, but yes, Kevin does ruin everything. Toni tries to get out of there, but it’s too late and boy Kevin and Clay are physically too big for teeny tiny Toni to hide them effectively from view. Betty is confronted with the terrible evidence that her boyfriend of two years who made her feel so bad about her normal urges is in fact not into girls, and has been lying to her this whole time. She runs out.

Veronica to the rescue! It turns out the extremely incompetent Sheriff Keller, father of the very terrible Kevin Keller, never even checked the coroner’s report to ascertain the time of death. Jughead has an airtight alibi! Sheriff Keller doesn’t want to acknowledge he was wrong, so he still natters on about how this doesn’t account for Ethel. Veronica tells him to hop to it to release Jughead.

Jeronica immediately go to Pop’s, where Jughead gets a chocolate milkshake and a huge burger. In between bites, Jughead drops this bomb: Ethel told him that while her parents were being murdered, Ethel had been doing the “car seat chacha” with Julian Blossom.

Oh but that does make sense, actually. The Blossoms can only fuck redheads!

Ethel was down for some casual necking, but when Julian tried to get “handsy” (which is such a confusing euphemism since it can mean anything from groping a tit to shoving a finger up a butt) she walloped him. Ethel is all my tall strong girl fantasies because the force by which she slaps Julian almost twists his head off its stem. Julian, possibly now nursing a black eye, threatened to make a laughingstock of Ethel by spreading a rumor about her “nymphomania.” This is what Kevin called Betty once already - Kevin is the worst. Julian is terrible, but Kevin is just as bad!

Jughead is still such a wonderful friend to Ethel. The Feminine Mystique was not published until 1963 but Jughead fully understands how gender oppression and politics works, which I think all men do, and is ACTUALLY willing to acknowedge it, which most men still aren’t. He makes it his mission to make Julian do the honorable thing. “God help us.” Yup.

Betty comes sadly home to her mother, who has received a phone call from Kevin’s mother, who we have hardly ever seen. Kevin’s mom has been insisting that her boy is devastated! So upset! Betty tells her that she now knows her ex so called boyfriend was gay THIS WHOLE TIME. Alice Cooper acts like this is totally normal, calmly inviting Betty to take a seat. They play horror music over Alice telling Betty the most insane bullshit - that she owes it to Kevin (Betty owes Kevin??) to see him through a “sexual identity crisis.” Alice Cooper always finds the worst possible way to react, doesn’t she? And she somehow thinks that it’s fine to marry someone who is not only not attracted to your whole sex but also lied about it for two years to your face on a daily basis. Is this saying something about Hal? (Is that why he’s a serial killer?)

Jughead comes home to find that his little trailer is trashed. Again! By Keller! And even his dog is missing!! Poor Jughead.

Back at the Andrews, Mary is dishing the dirt about Clifford. He sold maple syrup to the Army at a premium during the Korean War (I really want them to stop talking about the Korean War on this my escapism show), plus he’s a hypocrite and draft dodger. Then she says a really terrifying thing - that she’s linked together with the Blossoms for “the rest of her ilfe” because (she thinks) Cheryl and Archie fucked once. They have decided the two need to get married - after the compatibility test. Archie makes a sound in his throat like he wants to vomit. “Think of Cheryl’s honor!!’

The thing is, who is threatening Cheryl’s honor? I mean, does anyone even know about this? Who else would spread this around if not Penelope??

Is Cheryl pretending to pregnancy as well??

The next day, Midge and Fangs are pregnant (She’s “never late” and now she is.) Fangs says he loves her, and they are going to figure it out. Fangs is being honorable.

Inside the hallway of the school, however, Jughead and Veronica approach Julian, who is anything but honorable. He refuses to alibi Ethel, because she’s “inappropriate” for a Blossom to schtupp. He calls Ethel “cheap thrills.” For this, Jughead Jones squares up with both fists to punch Julian right in the face, knocking him to the ground.

HOORAY.

Violence plus public shaming - Jughead shouts at him about being entitled and taking advantage of “my friend Ethel!” - actually works on Julian, who gives a statement that finally renders Ethel from ‘active suspect’ status. Sheriff Keller uses police words but I have not forgotten that he didn’t even look up time of death on the coroner’s report. Jeronica SUCCEEDED!

Plus, once again, what a wonderful friend Jughead Jones is.

According to the creepy Dupont/ Wertheim? Werthers? there are only three things that need to be checked for marital compatibility:

1. Similarity of background

2. Close friendship

3. Understanding the concept of marriage

They definitely don’t have 1) and in answer to the close friendship question Cheryl just laughs, because she is friends with nobody and Archie says he gets along with everyone (which kind of is the same thing). Then Dupont says that Archie is going to be burdened with fidelity, “which goes against our nature as men” but then apparently the way to make a cheater not cheat is to use a combination of saying only nice things, listening and making him food. Cheryl is wearing a very funereal black scarf around her neck, which looks like a noose.

Werther calls Penelope to tell her the children are compatible. Mary is there with her, looking like she wants to vomit. Penelope lays it out for her - Archie is the only other redhead child in town, so that makes them perfect.

At the Dark Room, Fangs makes his inability to practice proper birth control Toni’s problem. She says she’s going to do something at the lab, so he’s to bring Midge.

Betty comes to find Kevin in the music room. When she says she saw him and Clay, Kevin’s first act is to be misogynist, snorting with contemptuous dismissal. I hate Kevin so much. This reminds me of American OG feminist tracts about the hideous misogyny and sexism of homosexual men before lesbians turned out in force for AIDS sufferers - they were the worst kinds of men, apparently, and Kevin is one of them! He’s still lying to her, by the way. Because what must’ve happened was Kevin went to the locker room to look at naked boys to soothe his ego being bruised about Betty refusing to be his unacknowledged beard anymore, then ran into Clay there and sucked his dick. WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID KEVIN.

Kevin says that if he had known what he was, he wouldn’t have wasted Betty’s time.

This is scene almost took me out of Riverdale fandom wholesale by the way.

The way they play tender music over this.

The way Betty has to further lower herself to say she “doesn’t understand most of this” when she actually does, perfectly.

The way that KEVIN - FUCKING MISOGYNIST KEVIN, CONDESCENDING LYING PIECE OF SHIT KEVIN - is told by Betty that he DIDN’T WASTE HER TIME “at least not to me.”

I WANT KEVIN TO DIE

I HATE THIS SHOW FOR PRIVILEGING KEVIN THIS WAY.

KEVIN DOES NOT DESERVE IT.

CLAY DESERVES BETTER.

BETTY SHOULD KILL KEVIN.

I am so mad.

Because the net effect of this is to make Kevin’s homosexuality (rather than his being a dishonest, condescending piece of shit MAN) the problem, for which Betty must subsume herself.

The narrative appears to validate Kevin’s sexuality but actually what this does is reinforced homophobia. I hate this. I hate Kevin. I hate Riverdale for doing this.

[Taking a break to calm the fuck down]

Ok I’m back.

So at the diner, Cheryl and Archie are trying to make the best of a bad situation. The way Cheryl is so sad but takes the time to be tender and kind to Archie (who is her beard and being forced to marry her under false pretenses) is - oh no putting me right back into my Hating Kevin feelings! Because Cheryl’s been so nice that Archie is actually kind of excited about the idea of being married to her. See, Kevin, if you’re going to trick some person into being your beard, you could be at minimum NICE TO THEM.

The sad, bruised tenderness of Cheryl in this universe is actually what I think Cheryl is really like underneath her HBIC persona, and she hurts me in the best way to consider.

At the other table, Jeronica are celebrating springing Ethel from jail and injustice. (Hey!! Jughead is being this much of a good friend to Ethel because he’s trying to follow the Bend Towards Justice edict laid down by Tabitha!) This Jeronica friendship is basically functions as in-canon fix-it fanfic. Without the pressure to live up to being ‘good enough’ for Betty Cooper, Jughead feels safe just telling someone what’s happened to his home. And Veronica, without having to struggle against Archie’s pride (which he only exercises against her, and not against he Blossoms) can seek the company she craves in her lonesome huge apartment AND engage in the generosity that is her trademark. In short, Veronica invites Jughead to stay with her.

At the high school, Toni is going to use a very interesting pregnancy test - inject a frog with pee to see if the frog lays eggs. Midge is pregnant! For some reason Toni suggest that Fangs get Midge’s parents for her hand but NOT tell them she’s pregnant. Given how the Blossoms are reacting to Cheryl allegedly having had sex with Archie, this seems ill judged.

Jughead has made a huge breakfast spread for Veronica at the Pembroke! Jughead as Little Orphan Annie and Veronica as Daddy Warbucks! This works for me! Jughead is going to go get Hot Dog from the pound, so Veronica offers to ‘spruce up’ his home. They are both going to skip school. The old married couple vibe of this is just so fun.

At school, Archie has finally told Betty that he and Cheryl have never had sex, but will still get married. Archie, poor lamb, thinks that ‘savig Cheryl’ will give him some purpose in life. Betty finds this very sweet, but tells him he shouldn’t go through with it, because she’s learned from experience that love doesn’t just ‘grow.’ Dupont/Werther’s theory about human love is really weird - you start gaining the capacity for sexual love at 17 (?) and then it peaks at 21 (??) after which there is a precipitous drop off I guess?

Cheryl, because she is feeling a bit better about marrying Archie, wears a black-and-white polka dot scarf instead of black noose one. She says Clifford wants to talk to Archie. She intuitively knows that Betty is about to get in her way, so gives her a chilly greeting.

At the meeting with Clifford, we get a hint of why it is Cheryl was willing to go through with this. She had (wrongly) thought that being married to the one acceptable redhead boy in town meant that she would be a) free from Thornhill b) free from her parents and c) be in a family with someone who is kind and decent. Archie is seeking sex with a beautiful woman and purpose in life. Cheryl is seeking a secure living arrangement with a not-monster and a place to hide from her homosexuality.

This could’ve actually worked until it suddenly wouldn’t have.

But of course, Clifford Blossom makes it clear that none of this can come to be. Neither will be sent to college. They will both live at Thornhill. Archie is to spend his life working for his future father in law, always second best to Julian probably, and never get to go to California like he dreamed about with his dad.

The hard cold reality of marriage - WHERE will you live and HOW will you pay for it- being the major wake up call to the betrothed is so real.

Sigh and now we’re back to Fangs, who tells Toni that it didn’t go well when he tried to ask for Midge’s hand in marriage. Toni, even though this was her idea, reads his inappropriateness as a potential mate for Midge in the cruelest way: “you’re a greaser wannabe-rock star.” She hatches a dingbat plan to make Fangs a rockstar in 4 months (when Midge will show).

Is - Is Riverdale playing coy about abortion with this? What is the fear here, that Midge’s parents will use their rich whiteness to force Midge to get an abortion? But since Midge was scared, not elated, to fall pregnant, and Fangs treated it as an emergency rather than good news, abortion is the answer. Tell her parents, get the abortion, and you can keep ‘loving’ each other.

Is Toni Topaz anti choice????

She mentions Romeo & Juliet which we then cut to the extraordinary “Orient Express” style sprucing up of the train car a la Jughead. Jughead is overwhelmed, but I want them to kiss. KISS HER, Jughead. GIVE ME MORE JERONICA. Jugead looks overwhelmed by his surroundings. They play pretty music, but they need to kiSSSSS.

We cut to Betty being confronted by her mother about the sex book. Betty looks amazing in those wide fabric belts. She had a wide green belt for her insane initial talk about Kevin with Alice, and now she’s in a pink one cinched over a flowery dress. Betty stands up for herself, telling Alice that she’s backwards, that she is going to continue to educate herself about sex and sexuality. Ethel comes down from upstairs to bravely fess up that it’s her book (this is the only extant copy of this book in Riverdale I guess?).

Archie is sadly re-reading the one post card he has received from Fred, about “Finaly making it to California.” The sound track warbles, “Who do you suppose I really love?” as Archie thinks about his dad. The only person Archie really cares about in all universes (sorry Jughead) is Fred Andrews.

Cheryl is looking at a post card of Niagara Falls, looking just as sad. Who is this from?? Some girlfriend of hers who got into her own comphet marriage??

Archie finally tells Cheryl he can’t go through with it. When cheryl says that marrying into the Blossoms is too much to ask, that the Blossom (unspoken Curse) is her burden & cross to bear, Archie doesn’t let her mope. He suggests they elope! He understands exactly what they both want - “You could get away from your family. I could get a job on a ranch. Or be a folk singer.” In short, “be free! out west!”

Cheryl says ok, let’s try! And they hold hands as Toni listens.

Oh no, we are back to motherfucking Kevin and his stupid fucking problems and I am HATING RIVERDALE AGAIN OMG RIVERDALE YOU FOUND A WAY TO BREAK ME AT LAST???

Betty says - BETTY ACTUALLY SAYS - “I think you’re so brave.”

Betty you stupid appeasing bitch no he is not. Oh my fucking god is this a Whyte Womyn delusion what the fuck is happening? NO HE ISN’T. KEVIN IS THE LEAST BRAVE PERSON IN THIS ENTIRE SEASON. “Swell to the last,” is the approval that she gets?

FUCK THAT.

SHOOT THE FUCKER IN THE HEAD BETTY.

ANYWAY.

This is how Betty learns that the pin that she got pinned with is all about Alice wanting to fuck Betty and therefore approving her relationship with a gay boyfriend who is a liar who will never fuck her.

Toni confronts Cheryl in the changing room, atelling her not to run away with Archie, because she’s running away from herself. “Archie is a great person with the best heart, and he’s nothing like my family.” People - especially Jughead - have said the ‘great person’ and ‘best heart’ etc about Archie before in all previous seasons, but this is the first and only season when this has actually been shown to be true. Toni the anti-choice meddler tells Cheryl that running from herself is only a short term solution.

Betty is at home, ready to confront Alice about several things. Ethel has been sent away to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy which Betty knows is not a good solution at all. When confronted by the furious Betty about her incestuous feelings, Alice retaliates by telling her she burned the sex book.

Archie is waiting for Cheryl at the bus depot with tickets to California. Weeping, Cheryl drives up to tell him she can’t go with him after all. (Curse of Thornhill). “Archie some day you’re goingn to make some girl very happy - Unfortunately that girl isn’t me,” is what Cheryl says before redirecting him to try to woo Betty. “Write her one of those sweet poems of yours.”

Unchained Melody (Wooo my love) plays as Cheyl approaches Toni. The music isn’t even a little bit subtle. ‘I hunger for your touch’ as Cheryl tells Toni that she decided not to go with Archie. Toni gives her the Price of Salt (sorry, not salt, Pepper hahaha) as a lesbian manual.

Archie is writing a love poem for Betty. he’s about to rush over to give it to her when the secondd worst possible thing happens:

UNCLE FUCKING FRANK IS HERE.

He came to beat the shit out of Archie for wanting to fuck someone other than his own dad, or something.

I HATE UNCLE FUCKING FRANK.

Omg Riverdale you are really testing my limits here.

At the Pembroke, Jughead sadly tells Veronica that he can’t track Ethel down, because all he’s been told is that she’s “at some home for wayward children.” He’s so sad about it. He’s not OK. Veronica consoles him, telling him that he fought hard for Ethel and saved her.

YAAAAAYYY AND THEN THEY KISS!!!

Jughead continues to have pitch perfect reactions. “Wowiee” is exactly how you should feel after kissing Veronica Lodge. Oh I’m so happy.

#anti kevin keller rant #no really like i fucking hate him #dni if you're into kevin keller #riverdale opinion #riverdale episode 121 #riverdale episode 7.4 #riverdale s7 recap #riverdale s7 #Riverdale s6 #riverdale recap #riverdale episode recap

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mediocre-riverdale · 6 years ago

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Riverdale Can’t Develop Relationships Rant

Ok so this is going to be long, sorry for that.

Choni (Cheryl/Toni)

• Don’t get me wrong, I like Choni and I think it’s good that Cheryl has someone who loves her but this relationship lowkey came out of nowhere.

• Lets review: they have a few very short conversations (if you can even call them that) in which Cheryl says something rude, Toni says something along the lines of ‘I know you’re acting mean for a reason’ and Cheryl basically responds with ‘I’m popular, totally fine, and totally straight ha ha ha 👀’. Other than that they don’t really spend much time together until the Love Simon scene.

• The Love Simon scene: so, Cheryl is outside this theater and is going to see the movie when Toni shows up and offers to see it with her. Cheryl accepts, which is odd because up to that moment Cheryl had been pretty clear about how she felt about Toni and the serpents. There’s really no reason for Toni to want to spend time with Cheryl either, they didn’t know each other well and all their previous interactions were unfriendly.

• (Toni highkey just wanted to get into Cheryl’s pants, but that’s a story for another time).

• (Also was Cheryl planning to go see Love Simon alone?? she was going to sit there, in the back, completely alone and in the closet and return home from just crying in a theater by herself?? That was her frickin Saturday night plan)

• After the movie they go to Pop’s and Cheryl comes out to Toni which partly doesn’t make sense. I realize Cheryl was emotional that night and she didn’t have friends to come out to, but why would she come out to this random serpent of all people? Did she know Toni is bi, and if so, how? It seems very odd to me that Cheryl would out herself to a gang member she saw ONE movie with.

• Once Cheryl comes out, Toni calls Cheryl sensational. Remember how I said earlier that Toni wanted in Cheryl’s pants? Well, here’s an example of that. THEY HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR LIKE LESS THAN A MONTH. There is no way Toni could know if Cheryl is sensational or not, though it was a nice thing to say.

• Also it was kind of a weird thing to say. Sensational?? To some random north side redhead that made ur gaydar ping? Really Toni?

• Anyways, they have some flirting moments which are actually pretty cute, Toni saves Cheryl from conversion therapy (damn Toni gets attached real quick) and they seem genuinely good for each other but the premise of how they get together is weird.

• They go from 0-100 in a very short period of time. Over the course of a few episodes (maybe a month or so in Riverdale time) they go from being lowkey rivals to sending heart eyes at each other and we haven’t seen a lot of screen time between them since the show deleted a lot of their scenes. Them deleting the scenes makes no sense because they could’ve easily fit them into the episodes and it would have made Choni seem a lot more developed, but nO.

• Cheryl becomes a serpent near the end of season 2 which I kind of understand more than SOME people in that gang (ahem, Archie) but still, Cheryl has hated the Serpents for most of her time on Riverdale and now she’s one of them. It makes little to no sense. She wouldn’t have joined if it weren’t for Toni and again, she’s only been dating Toni for maybe a month or so?

• Either way I guess the Cheryl Hating the Serpents storyline is dropped now, so thanks for the inconsistency Riverdale.

Bughead (Jughead/Betty)

• WHERE DO I EVEN START WITH THIS SHIP OH MY GOD THE WRITERS HAVE TURNED IT INTO A DUMPSTER FIRE!

• ok, let me rephrase

• So if u watch the show u definitely know bughead since it’s the most popular ship in the show. They’re also the Ship of Going to the Extremes.

• If I go in depth about this it’s going to be way too long so I’m just going to list how Bughead evolved over these two seasons: it starts with Jughead and Betty being cute, Jughead climbs in her room and calls her Juliet, wears this tux and smiles at her, and they do normal teenage first relationship stuff. Then shit gets crazy.

• Season one is relatively tame to be honest. They seem a little too into each other for a couple that had been dating for about a month or two, but whatever they’re 16 and I can understand getting overly invested in each other when you’re young like that.

• It’s a very rushed relationship. In the first and second episode Betty has a crush on Archie, cries about him, seems heartbroken when he says he only thinks of her as a friend. By like the seventh episode (there were only 12-13 episodes in the season, I’m sure, so Bughead happened within ten episodes) she has completely forgotten Archie (who she liked for years and had been previously been best friends with, though she barely hangs out with him in current episodes) and is kissing Jughead.

• As per usual, Riverdale takes Bughead from 0-100 in the blink of an eye and competely changes how they act.

• For the whole first season Jughead actively does not want to join the Serpents and is very clear about that. However, at the end of season 1 he gets a Serpent jacket and all that changes. While Jughead is off doing this, Betty is being the typical ‘girl next door’ and has that crush (but lmao, they ditched that storyline too sO). There’s one episode where this football player, Chuck Clayton, lies about Veronica giving him a Sticky Maple (some Riverdale sexual act, put the dots together yourself) and so to get revenge B & V decide to tie him up in a hot tub and burn him until he admits what really happened on the date, while filming. This gets weird very quick because Betty shows up in a black wig and lingerie and says that ‘Betty couldn’t make it’ (Taylor Swift is sueing), then once Chuck confesses she tries to drown him, pours maple syrup on him, calls him Jason, and tells him to apologize to Polly.

• so instead of Bughead staying the cute relationship it is in season one the show makes them bring out the worst in each other and act like they’ve been dating for years. They’re obsessed with each other. It’s kind of unhealthy, they literally make each other worse.

• Jughead becomes the Serpent King and Betty becomes his Serpent Queen, despite having little to nothing to do with the south side besides her connection with Jughead.

• yep, another Riverdale gf joining the Serpents for their significant other

• They’ve also only been dating for a short while and go from being two damaged, trying their hardest teenagers to two gang leaders (Jughead literally skins a woman) and it seems they just keep going further and further which each other, increasing all the dangerous crap they can do.

• How did they get to this point? No one knows. A couple kisses and some longing looks quickly turns into this crazy ass gang relationship where they both do terrible things and the other is completely okay with it.

• Betty does this Serpent initiation dance in front of a bunch of old men and her mom, it’s very sexual and she’s in her underwear on a pole. She also starts wearing her Dark Betty (black wig and lingerie outfit from when she tried to drown someone) to bed with Jughead and briefly becomes a cam girl.

• Season 1 Betty would never do this

• They totally change both of their season one personalities to help fit the plot and are suddenly ready to do absolutely anything for each other, despite the fact that Betty had a HUGE CRUSH on Archie about 3-5 months ago

• If Jughead kills someone, Betty will be there to cover it all up and wash the blood away, previous storylines and character development be damned

Varchie (Veronica/Archie)

• I honestly don’t have much to say about these two because while they’re underdeveloped, they aren’t the most underdeveloped couple on the show and actually have some good moments together

• But anyways, the show starts when Veronica comes to Riverdale. Archie sees her at Pop’s and immediately likes her (they end up kissing in a closet at a party early in season one) and every viewer can tell that they’re going to date because it’s just so obvious. He has heart eyes from the moment he sees her. Veronica seems to like him too but she holds off for like two seconds because of her best friend (? not really, B & V don’t interact ?) Betty.

• Most season 1 relationships are fairly wholesome tbh.

• Yes, they have their drama because it’s Riverdale but no one is doing anything too drastic yet

• Archie is a COMPLETE fuckboy for the first season. For a lot of the season he dates this teacher, Ms. Grundy, and they have these sex scenes that I guess are supposed to make us think a teacher/student relationship is cool? Which, no. She tells him to stay away, he won’t leave her alone, and eventually Ms. Grundy has to leave to go screw other students/get choked out. So Archie moves on. He dates Valerie (one of the forgotten Pussycats, don’t worry u don’t need to know her name since Riverdale will give her zero screen time) for a hot minute and I forget why they broke up but I remember she throws a drink in his face so that happens. He also kisses Cheryl one time but isn’t really into it. When Bughead starts dating he throws weird jealousy looks their way even though he said he only liked Betty as a friend, it’s clear this dude can’t make a decision.

• Surprise, surprise, in season 2 this all changes and Archie starts making decisions. Which isn’t exactly a bad thing, but he becomes very committed to Veronica (again, keep in mind he’s only known her for about 3-6 months)

• Suddenly he’s ready to become hubby material and meets her dad, who he has a weird relationship with. Veronica’s dad is in the mob or something and Archie kind of joins his business (he’s like an unpaid, crazy intern) and runs around doing whatever Mr. Lodge asks him to. He’s a total obedient puppy. He makes promises to risk his life protecting Veronica, runs after a robber who stole something from her (possibly a necklace, idk I haven’t watched that episode in a while) even though literally everyone tells him not to and that it’s dangerous, gets kidnapped by her old (boy)friend, and says I love you first.

• Not all of these are bad changes but they’re sudden, out of the blue changes. He goes from kissing like 4 (?) girls and being jealous over Bughead to being totally committed to Veronica over the course of a few weeks. Seriously, it’s like at the end of season 1 he’s kinda fuckboy Archie and then in season 2 he’s willing to throw himself in front of a truck to protect her.

• Throughout this Veronica lowkey joins the mob or something. The show isn’t very clear about what’s going on with her family, except that it’s bad and Veronica goes from not really wanting to be in it to wanting to run the business to just wanting to be a normal family again. It’s very on and off.

Other Relationships (do I really need to name them, they’re so in the background that I literally can not remember who’s with who outside of the core four and Choni)

• Kevin gets to kiss a couple guys in the show, one of them being Moose. What’s going on with Moose? I can’t remember if he’s out or not but since they’re kissing in the season 3 promo I guess something is happening with them. I don’t really know because throughout the whole show they’ve gotten like 1-4 min of screen time. I feel like the show is going to have them kiss randomly (no one really knows what’s going on with them so any kissing between them is already kind of underdeveloped) and not talk about it for the rest of the season

• ARE REGGIE AND JOSIE A THING OR NOT? They flirted (weird because they’ve never spoken to each other in the show before then) and a lot of people shipped/still do ship them but we haven’t seen much from them. What was the point of having them flirt if you’re not going to do anything with it, writers??

• BETTY AND CHERYL: they’re relatives and while sometimes they’re nice to each other, other times they’re just terrible with each other. They’ll go from smiling and being friendly to arguing and hating one another within seconds. Betty actually blackmails Cheryl with her brother’s murder video (more evidence of Bughead changing each other) in one episode but there’s been episodes before/after that where they seemed friendly together.

• BETTY AND VERONICA: take this romantic or platonic, which ever way u want, but they screwed over this pairing. The first 3 episodes they’re calling each other BFFs and saying how they need each other in their lives and then they just kind of... ditched each other. They barely interact and when they do they’re arguing, which is very different from how Season 1 was.

Conclusion:

• Riverdale DOES NOT know how to gradually change someone’s actions/personality or how they interact with friends/significant others. For a lot of the characters their season 1 selves are almost completely different people from their season 2 selves.

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