#answering asks makes me so happy! new moots make me so happy! thanks so freaking much for this honey

[afantasyoffiction]

We are official moots for life now btw. This is the price you pay for reblogging one (1) post of mine with character love.

Also I really like the concept of your ya book, love me some political intrigue, running from the law, and witches (even if they’re not ). What’s your favorite scene as of rn?

ahahahha YAY oh my goodness this is amazing. HI nice to meet you :)))))

picking a favourite scene is super hard, partly because im midway through writing draft two which feels kinda like starting from scratch, and partly because there's so much that i love but that doesn't ever work 100%?

that said, being a super dramatic kinda gal, there is something about my FMC (lets call her S bc i don't currently want to share all details on here) meeting the tyrannical king for the first. time that. hmm. pretty damn good soup. he's so just downright awful, and he knows her name from her parent's treason, and she hates him even more than she fears him.

ill share a lil excerpt from their first conversation, because its hard to describe how GIDDY it makes me when its objectively quite a creepy scene:

There was ice in her veins, paralysing all but her frightened, rabbit breaths. She couldn’t think clearly; all she could see was the rigid lines of his face, his piercing vivid gaze, the metal that sat like chains across his brow. Something reckless, something angry, took over. “You,” she hissed, like a fierce and rabid thing. She didn’t think it was possible, but his face morphed into something more frightening. Flickers of something like hatred painted themselves across his face. When he spoke, it felt like a higher being deigning to wrap its tongue around dirty, flavourless syllables. “S [fmc name].”  It was a statement, like he was recognising the dirty muck that clung to his show. He licked his lips, slow, savoury. Everything he did was slow and savoury - like he knew time was something that constrained commoners, not kings. Like he relished his movement through the palace, like he wanted to savour every moment of his rule.  When he spoke again, the hatred twisted his consonants into something like disgust.

thats just a tiny snippet bc they spend several scenes insulting each other across the whole book, but i think its a fun one!

anyways it took me so long (literal years of my life lol) to get to this scene after imagining it over and over again. obviously its never quite the way it is in my mind but im pretty proud of it for a first draft and im. so super excited to get there in draft 2!

how about you :) whats your fav/most anticipated scene?

[atiny-ahgase]

A message to my Moots

Hey all, I originally wasn’t gonna do this cause I honestly didn't even know where to begin (I still don't tbh) but I said that I’ll still give it a try cause I wanted to tell you all my feelings before the new year rolls around (for me at least lol). So let’s get too it.

Firstly thank you to every single person that follows me, or has read any of my fics or liked any of my edits or even just interacted with me in any form. Thank you for the immense love and support that I’ve received on this site, honestly I didn't expect to make any friends here and the fact that I was able to meet and befriend so many amazing people. So I just wanna say thank you so much for being a part of my life. I’ve always put up walls and I’m really bad at getting close to others but Tumblr was the first site that I’ve really felt comfortable enough to be the real me. So thank you for that.

Now on to the Mentions

I had no idea how to start this so I decided to start at the beginning.

@mingishoe -Luna, you were the reason that I joined Tumblr in the first place, your fics brought me here and your interactions with other blogs opened up so many doors for me and helped me to interact and befriend so many amazing people. You were the first person that I ever sent an ask to, you made me feel so comfortable and welcome so thank you for that. Thank you for being you, a literal moon; bright and beautiful always lighting up the way. I honestly don't think that I would ever be able to explain how much I love, admire and look up to you, I honestly can’t find the words. Honestly, just thank you for being there for your little anon (Idk if you know which anon I am though lol)

@vocalyunho -Ames!!!!! The 2nd person that I followed! an absolute angel. You are such a calm soul and I just love your vibe and energy so much. I think that I’ve said this a million times but you just make me feel so safe and secure, you have such a calm and capable aura that is just so soothing to me. Thank you for coming into my life and being the amazing person that you are.

@jonghoshoe -ZAD!!! Baby Brother! My Teddy Bear! My Sunflower!! Where do I even begin?!? You were basically my first friend on Tumblr (and I am even more grateful to Luna cause I found you through her). IDK what it was about you but you had such an amazing out look on life while still being chaotic in the best way possible. I would wake up every morning and look out for your posts cause you would always make me smile. Without even knowing it you became a big part of my life and I am so grateful for that. You were my motivation when I was feeling down, you encouraged me to see the good things in the word, you hyped me up to write fics; honestly you are part of why I am the Gabby that I am today and I cant thank you enough for that, I love and admire you so much.

Next on my list is my little bunny @lustjoong -PK PK PK, my knee loving queen!!!! IDEK what to say cause I feel as though I confess my love to you at least twice a week on discord lol. I love talking with you, you're incredibly level headed and give amazing advice (which I always need cause I’m a mess lol). I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again that I admire you so much and would of never imagined that I would of ever gotten the chance to talk to you (much less be able to call you my friend) cause in my mind I always saw you as this amazing and untouchable writer (but then I realized that I’m taller than you so... lol I’m kidding). I’m happy that you found out that I was messaging you on anon and thank you for reaching out to me. I look forward to more chaotic conversations and knee pics in the new year.

@atiny-piratequeen -FIE I FREAKING LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I MIGHT EXPLODE!! You fill me with so much life that I cant even begin to explain. I’ve said this a million times before but I love how you aren't afraid to speak you mind and say how you feel. You're such a strong figure to me here on the platform and I've always admired how natural and bold you are with your opinions. I find your personality to be extremely refreshing and welcoming, I was never afraid to interact with you (I combusted when you sent me an ask but that’s only natural..) so thank you for providing me (and a lot of other Atiny) with a safe and welcoming place that we can come to.

@twancingyunhoe -Allyssa!!! My mom!!!! My cookie baking, Yunho loving, cat mom!! where do I even begin?? Thank you for being an absolute angel! You shine so brightly here and you're always so supportive to literally everyone. I am and always will be there for you no matter what so I want you to remember that in the coming year. and remember that I love you in your highs and your lows and I am available to provide cuddles anytime they are needed or wanted cause you are precious to me ok luv.

@felixs-moonlight -my little duckling AJ!!! I’m wishing you the best in the new year cause that's what best bois deserve! You are so incredibly sweet and caring so don't you ever forget. Even if you do forget don't worry cause I will always be there to remind you.

@seoultraveller -Cat. Your presence makes me so happy!! IDEK what it is I just love seeing you on my dashboard, when I don't see you I wonder how you are. I hope that this new years is treating you well. Also, you are NOT boring and lets talk a lot more in the coming year okay luv

@yunhozone -Jey!! I miss you, I hope that you're well, its been raining lately so I hope that you're staying dry and safe. I love your boldness and sense of humor so please don't ever change. i started following you on a whim and I have never regretted following you ever since. You make me smile and laugh so much and I hope that I can do the same for you in the coming years. Stay safe okay luv

@pirate-hongjoong -Kayla, lets both talk more in the coming year ok luv. I pretty much told you everything that I wanted to on your post so I’ll try to keep this short. I think that you're really sweet and we should get to know each other more, I’ll try to reach out some more and be a little less shy. so lets continue to grow our friendship okay.

@taelepathysroom -You were the first friend that I made on Tumblr all on my own (meaning that I didn't see you interacting with a moot or anything, I found you all by myself) to this day I don't remember how I mustered up the bravery to message you. I remember wanting to message you on anon and realizing that you had anon off and I STILL went for it lol, apparently I was wilding. But that was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, I love talking with you and receiving all of your extremely important messages and I look forward to many more (my heart is not ready but it is fine).

@moongaera -Gaera you are such a great motivation to me and I’m so happy to be a part of your life. You are so sweet and incredibly talented. I love seeing you on my dashboard and talking with you cause you honestly make my heart want to explode.

@yungidreamer - Big sister!!!! Kelsi!!! My aesthetic queen who I am convince is tryna kill me on our discord chat you are so kind and helpful and give such great tips. You are such a calm soul and I love interacting with you (especially when things feel crazy) its like you just magically know the answer to everything.

@yunhoiseyecandy -Violet, we don't really talk much but I think that you're really cool and fun so lets talk lots in 2021 ok. Also IDK why I felt like this was the perfect place to post this but you're the only moot whos emoji pops up when I start to type their name in the hashtags and I always thought that its really cute. (You're also really cute). I think that we would be really good friends so I cant wait to talk with you more.

@hwaberrykiwi -CAM CAM CAM CAM CAM!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! You are so fun to talk to and so sweet and so calming and you make my heart feel like its bursting (in the best way possible). I hope that you're well and I look forward to sharing more moments here with you on Tumblr (and I am still keeping my promise of not eating Lemon Bars if they aren't from you so...)

@atinywrites -Angel!!! My precious, little angel who always attacks my poor little heart. I love your messages and how you just pop up randomly and shower me with love (then I read your posts and you're just straight up roasting people JBJDJFILJFISREHF) I love absolutely everything about you and I’m really happy that we met each other, I cant wait to see what 2021 has in store for us.

@choisans-dimples -Cass my dearest little Sugar Plum, apart from you being absolutely precious you are also extremely previous to me. I remember our first interactions and they still bring a smile to my face (we were like Tom and Jerry and honestly in a way we still are lol). But you mean so much to me and you never fail to make me laugh or smile no matter what is going on in my life. I wish for you to never lose that smile in 2021 and if it ever begins to falter just know that I’m here ok luv

@latte-fairytaekwoon -Latte, I’m not gonna lie; when Mei started adopting family members I felt like my brain was gonna explode but I gotta hand it to her cause she has great taste in family cause she chose you. If it wasn't for her then I probably would of never found you. if that happened then who would spoil me rotten?!? I am so happy to have met you I honestly thrive every time I see you on my dashboard, you are absolutely hilarious and I love to see your interactions. I cant wait to see what you do in 2021 and all of the other years to come. Thanks for being a great Tumblr Mom

@little-precious-baby -Mei, where do I begin?? You came out of no where for me, you just sort of appeared and then in the blink of an eye you became so dear to me. Id just find myself looking out for your posts and wondering how you are. IDK how to explain it but you've somehow managed to bring so many amazing individuals together in such a short time, you're absolutely amazing and I hope that one day you'll be able to see yourself the way that we already see you. Ik that things can be hard (and they will be because that’s life) but just know that this family that you helped to bring together is always here for you when you need someone to confide in and when it feels like its too much and you need a break we’ll be right here waiting for you until you come back. Just remember that your big sis loves you ok my little bean.

@ateez-little-star -JAS!!!!!! My babie sister IDK how to write this without crying cause you make me so happy that idek what to do. You are so bold and brave while still being shy and cute, I cant explain it. You are so wholesome to talk to and so fun and interesting and sweet and loveable! Like how could someone not love you!! Thank you for always checking up on me and showering me with love and just making me smile.

@yunhofingers -My sweet little bean who definitely never behaves badly!! I am sending you all of the positive vibes for the new year. Ik that things wont always be easy but just know that I’m always here and I believe in you. You are so sweet and kind and bold and I love that about you, don't ever change and thank you so much for making me smile; I hope that I can do the same for you in 2021 and beyond cause I hope that we can be friends for a really long time.

I also wanted to include the moots that I do interact with but I also want to talk to even more in the coming year. Thank you for being here for both me and other people in the kpop community. I love your blogs and you all are so incredibly kind (and ridiculously entertaining; I’m looking at you Caly and Vivi lol), I hope that we can become even better friends.

@hanatiny @sansbun @hongism @multidreams-and-desires @smallfrye @aixy-hpsa @galaxteez @jongpleasure @simphwa @inkigayeo @heeseungluvs

[cometoceantrenches]

2021 has come...

So it’s already the New Years here. I’m sorry if this message is kinda late— we had a midnight feast and I drank so I was a little tipsy for a while lmao

ANYWAYS

I’ve been here on tumblr for quite a while, five years (well six now it’s a new year) but only recently started to really interact with people. I came back onto tumblr, having no idea what it would be like. Had the views changed? What do people talk about now? 

Despite becoming active in the later months, I've never been so grateful to have met so many amazing people. 2020 sucked, I'm not gonna lie, but you've all made it better! Thank you so much for welcoming me and giving me a chance to interact with you all and become your friend/mutual. 

Hopefully, we can look forward to a better new year and hope that things will turn around in 2021. I'm not really good with words, but I want you all to know that I love you all and I'm so thankful to have y'all as my friends 💕💕🥺🥺

I’m not good with words but here’s what i wanna say to each of my moots:

@n-a-r-t​  Hey rocky! First of all, thank you so much for being my first moot here on tumblr. I think you were my only friend then (wow it sounds so pathetic hbsjnks) but yes. I’m really grateful for meeting you. Also, I’m sorry I’m not answering snapchat- i deleted it cos it was taking up too much space :’))) Hopefully we can still talk <3 

@tackygloo​ Hey Aura/Maddy! Even tho we don’t talk as much, I’ve always looked forward to our conversations with each other. I’m so glad we were able to get to know each other more and discover each others’ interests outside of RDR. Thanks for introducing me to Dreamcatcher by the way, my life as a Kpop stan has been different since. Ily! 

@seacottons​ Since Mei, is my sister I guess that makes you my mom? LMAO- anyways, I’m super grateful to have met you even though it was late into the year. Your words have really encouraged me not to write but to get back to drawing as well. Speaking of which, your talent in both is really astounding. I’m so glad you’re so open in sharing and encouraging others. I really look up to you with that ;^; Keep doing you! 

@galaxteez​​ ASH!! I’m not gonna lie, the first time i interacted with you I was kind of intimidated, especially with the layout BSHJks. Even though our first interaction was about thirsting over Jongho thighs, I’m glad to be able to talk to you in comfort, that your blog is a safe space. It really makes me feel at ease because at least I know I have someone I can talk to. I love youooouuuu!!

@little-precious-baby​  MEI! My sister!!! Thank you so much for helping me get adopted into your family ;^; You have such a big heart- especially when you drop in to check on everyone. You’re so precious to me even though we’ve met late in 2020. I hope we can become closer. I love you wholesome-kitten, I meant, my sister! <3 

@artha-amberose​ HELLOOOOOO! I’m so glad you stumbled upon that one post about me finding mutuals. Even though we’ve just met recently, I’m in love with your ocs. I’m still a little lost and catching up in the lore, BUT YOU HAVE SUCH BIG BRAIN with making all those up- especially with the world building. I’m so glad you were so open with sharing, it made me feel at ease to talk to you. Looking forward to more talks and sharing with you! 

@masterninjacow​  WHIEEEE HUSNA!! Even tho we’ve talked for a bit this past week, I can already tell you have a big heart. I was kind of intimidated by you at first, I’m sorry uhbsinjs ;^;, but I’m so glad that you messaged me first cos I probably wouldn’t have worked up the courage to talk to you sHNJsk I hope you have a good year! I’m looking forward to be able to talk to you more!

@saksukei​ HEYYYY!! I just realized- i never asked for you name sgubhnijss ;^; Anyways, thank you so much for being open and welcoming. I’m usually very hesitant and shy to approach people online but you’ve helped change that mindset with how welcoming you were. You’re so freaking creative and I LOVE the way you write. Hopefully we can interact more in the future. And please, help me stan Seventeen SKSKSK 😂😂

@aixy-hpsa​​ RYU! I’m so glad you yeeted into my inbox and taunted me with that Jongho gif or else I wouldn’t have been able to torment you back and become friends with you. You’re so cute and kind, I smile whenever we talk to each other. I hope we can talk more in the future! ILY!! 

@neo-shitty​​ Hello ate toffee! EHEHEHEH Sana masarap handaan niyo po ngayon. But I just want to say thank you, for messaging me first (at least I think you did LMAO) kasi nahiya ako nung una na kausapin kita. Pero nagpapasalamat ako na na-meet kita dito. Sana mas magkaroon tayo ng mga interaction sa labas ng kpop (kung okay lang sa yo yan ehheheh). Keep writing! ILY ATE!! <3

And to my anons: nonnie,  🍹🦕 anon, and  🔥💫 anon. Even though our first interactions were, I guess dirty hbsnjmks, I hope you know that I’m open to talk about anything. Whether you wanna vent or just talk about the most random stuff, I’m here to listen <3 

To everyone else, I hope you know that I appreciate you! My blog is a safe space for you all and I hope we can talk with each other and get to know each other more. Happy new years! Manifesting 2021 will be a good one!

[flourchildwrites]

how did you study for the bar without becoming a wreck because I can feel :) myself :) falling :) apart :) :) :)

Hey, @fullmetal-hellmouthchemist!  Thanks for the ask!

First off, congrats on graduating law school.  That is an awesome achievement, and it’s often overshadowed by the big bad bar exam.  When I graduated, it felt like such a hollow milestone.  Graduation day was this happy mirage in the middle of a dessert of endless studying.  All my family and friends were like “yOu DiD iT!” and I was like “not that it matters unless I pass the bar exam, but yes, I will take that graduation card with cash in it because I am also broke as hell...”

Anyway...

Let me start off this by saying that I was a wreck for parts of the summer I spent studying for the bar exam.  You probably have a lot riding on this exam; I did.  Sometimes, the best you can do is to realize that you’re probably nervous because you care.  And you are not alone.  Everyone, no matter how chill or confidence they may appear, is freaking out on the inside to some degree.  Either that or they are on anxiety medication that I have not tried yet.  

But seriously, the first thing I did was to sign up for a Barbri course.  And, I gotta say, it really helped provide structure in my schedule.  By the time you get through law school, you know how to study in a way that gets results.  This is not the time to change your method.  Instead, tailor your schedule to encompass large amounts of information.  Plan ahead.  I did a modified 3-2-1 study schedule for each section of my bar exam counting back from the week of testing.  (You probably know what a 3-2-1 study schedule is, but if you don’t, don’t do that.  Do what works for you.)

Schedule breaks.  Yep.  I did that.  I scheduled time to NOT study, and that downtime was just as important as the time I spent cramming my head full of the civil code.  During your downtime, I suggest you do things that take your mind off con law or ACJ or family law or mortgage priming.  I actually started baking because of the bar exam.  For some reason, it calmed my mind to focus on a set of directions that had to followed to the letter.  And when I followed those directions correctly, the answer was never maybe.  The result was a lovely pie or cheesecake that I got to eat.   

Practice self-care.  Very important.  If you go for a run every morning, keep doing that.  If you do yoga, make an effort to keep up your practice.  If you cook a lot, spend a little time in the kitchen.  If you need to see a doctor, you can spare the time.  And for the love of Pennoyer v. Neff, get enough sleep.  Retain some degree of normalcy in your life so that you will be a person and not a husk of a human being by the time you finish taking the exam (because, unlikely though it seems, there is life after the bar exam).  However, this is NOT the time to start a diet or begin training for a marathon or write that epic 100k fanfic that you’ve been sitting on for years.  You can do that after you take the exam.

When you’re studying, remember that your goal is not to stand out.  Your goal is to fit in.  I think we all had that professor who ranted and raved about some case (ahem Kelo v. City of New London) or some lauded dissent at every given opportunity (even when it wasn’t relevant).  So, for the exam, everyone studied the professor’s hang up, and eureka!  Easy points!  Would you believe it was on the final exam?  (Of course, it was on the final.)  But you don't have the professor’s pesky hang-ups to fall back on.  Look at past bar exams in your state and try to conform what you study to the past testing topics.

And I can promise you, the examiners do not care about what isn’t the law.  No dissents.  No dicta.  No opinions.  A guy I went to law school with who is insanely intelligent (top of his class, moot court, law review, order of the coif) failed his first bar exam because he tried too hard; his words, not mine.  He overthought his answers and overexplained things that were not responsive to the essay questions.  He tried to get ahead of the pack and got left behind instead.  You are aiming for an average here.  Just this one time, resist the urge to overachieve.

One last thing.  Remember that if you do not pass the bar exam, it's not the end of the world.  Take it from someone who spent the first two years of her career getting hired and laid off by small-time firms because the economy was just that bad.  Going through law school gives you a unique way of approaching issues, and that mindset is valuable in fields where you’re not practicing law.  The worst-case scenario is that you have to take the bar again, or you’ll have to rethink your career goals.  But what you’ve already accomplished means something, even if you doubt that.

In closing, friend, be kind to yourself during this difficult time and take care.  Lean on the people who support you if your support system is healthy.  (You might as well.  There's a very good chance that these people will hit you up for free legal advice at some point in the future if they haven’t already.)  Do what you gotta do to get through this rough patch (within reason).  I’m rooting for you!

And if you ever need any advice, don’t be shy.  (I clearly like dishing it out.)

[ghostmartyr]

Fic: A Terrible Idea [9/?]

Fandom: Attack on Titan Title: A Terrible Idea Author: Immi Rating: PG-13 Summary: Ymir’s pursuit of the hot cheerleader was meant to stay strictly lustful. But it’s a high school AU with a ship tag, so you know, fuck that. Notes: This fic has a thing about three in the morning.

Segment summary: Kenny imparts life advice.

I II III IV V VI VII VIII

Maybe an actual parent would have wanted more details about what kind of party his bereft, innocent teenager was absconding away to instead of bonding with her friends and siblings in a night of passably sober revelry.

With Kenny, the conversation went something like this:

“Can I ditch homecoming to feel up a hot babe?”

“As long as no one ends up back in the house while I’m making out with my boyfriend, I physically could not care less.”

He didn’t mention the boyfriend in words during the actual conversation. He didn’t have to. The man might as well have been whistling all week long, asking them how many hours they thought they’d stay out come dance night. He’d conned Levi into being their chauffeur and everything. He got a haircut. Sometimes there really was fucking whistling.

He gave Ymir the green light to go be surrounded by people whose neckties cost more than all of her organs on the black market without so much as a suspicious question. To the untrained eye, it was negligent bullshit that Ymir was happy to exploit.

Years of living under his roof said that he already knew every single person at the Reiss party and had personally threatened at least five of them with murder. Creepy, but if it meant he wasn’t badgering her about her life choices, swell.

Too bad a certain other person couldn’t follow the example.

There was one side effect of dealing with a parental unit on this that wasn’t so great. Cowboy Dad believed, so very dearly, in cleaning up good so the rest of everyone would fuck off. He liked to call this having manners. As someone who’d had to sign paperwork to take on a more active role in not caring what teenagers did, he also thought it was his solemn duty to impart some of these manners to the spawn he could happily disown at will.

Predicted side effects of that included small talk about not pissing off the people who had invited her into their home. Since Historia had been the only one at all interested in her presence there, that wasn’t the worst promise she could think about keeping, so fine, whatever, can I go now and so on.

Unfair fucking blindsides included the suggestion (suggestion, like every other thing Kenny suggested didn’t carry promises of life getting very unpleasant if the suggestion didn’t see some follow-through) to go out and fetch some flowers to present to Historia’s parents when she showed up at the party.

“She doesn’t like her parents,” Ymir had said. That was a large part of the point.

Kenny had looked at her, unimpressed in the face of logic. “Sunshine,” he’d said, “where in the hell do you get the thought in your head that manners are for people you like?”

An hour later Ymir was hanging out in a flower shop, stretching the boundaries of her artistic sensibilities to figure out just how ugly a bouquet they were capable of. Kenny had stopped just short of making her pay for the damn things, so she had room to work, but there was only so much she could do. The worst combinations she had so far said, “Your daughter has let someone with zero taste into your house, but the good news is they’re desperate for you to think they’re trying.”

When what she wanted was closer to, “Fuck you for thinking I care about your approval before fucking your daughter, also fuck you in general,” preferably in freshly-picked pastels.

Ymir had never been a flower connoisseur, and turning the notch on her style of aggression back to passive definitely wasn’t her speed, but she knew passive aggressive went best with pastels. From what she knew of the Reiss family, their entire mansion would be covered with the things. Kenny would approve of her commitment to speaking her hosts’ language, but she’d have to work extra hard to keep from complementing their color theme.

Her only entertainment for the day was watching Porco freak over how to handle being at a dance in Pieck’s proximity. She had time.

She was also an efficient multitasker.

Porco’s sneakers tapped loudly against the linoleum floor. “She liked the roses last year,” he said, nowhere near the rose section. He was looking at peonies.

“She’ll like whatever you get her, and they’ll be dead in a few days. Stop angsting and pick something,” Ymir said, even less interested in his problems than usual. Pieck had sent an innocuous text earlier to remind her that she liked tulips. Hint hint. Somehow they were all still pretending that it wouldn’t melt her overly devious, mushy heart to be getting flowers from Pock at all.

Except for Porco. He really was that clueless, so cue the hours of fretting over which collection of stems would brighten Pieck’s desk best before their inevitable deaths. Accompanied by Ymir for reasons beyond a good laugh and pity, all thanks to their weird non-parent’s sense of propriety. Bringing a girl’s parents flowers wasn’t good manners, it was something out of Victorian era courtship advice bulletins. Near the end, after the two weeks of knowing each other had passed and it was time to ask the patriarch for his daughter’s hand.

Ymir thought she had a good idea of how that proposal would go. Awed by her acute flower arranging skills and misled by her tailored garb, she’d receive the father’s blessing and it would be rendered immediately moot because Historia would never forgive her for involving him in their love life.

“It doesn’t bother you that she’s using you to piss off her parents?” Porco had asked oh, maybe seven times when Ymir broke the news about how she was spending her Saturday night.

“Not anywhere near as much as it seems to bother you,” was the only answer to that, and it still took three more tries before he gave up in disgust and stopped blocking the middle of the hallway so she could go to bed.

Porco had weird ideas about family. Namely, that they were supposed to like each other. His blood parents were dead, automatically promoting them and everyone remotely like them to sainthood. His brother was so fervently adored that any first year psych student would gleefully attach a complex to it. He seemed to find it personally offensive that Historia couldn’t stand the people who hired her a personal driver.

Ymir would have loved not to care. She’d spent most of the previous night happily not caring. She’d spent most of their friendly afternoon jaunt to the neighborhood flower shop not caring. Pock had responded by making it his life mission to do enough caring for both of them. If he didn’t have the stress of not asking Pieck to dance to look forward to, he’d still be ranting her ears off.

“You don’t even want to date her!”

Way to state the obvious. That hadn’t been worth any response at all.

Ymir looked around at the colorful displays surrounding them. All perfectly designed to suit Porco’s purposes of failing to ask a girl out, none of them meant to check off a politeness box that had been summoned out of thin air to make her life more difficult.

Garish wasn’t going to play. No matter how badly the bright colors clashed, all the flowers were too healthy and friendly to get away with being used as a fuck you collage. She needed something with contrast to bring out that deliberate eye-gouging quality. Some of the lighter carnations could work. Classy and decorative in a clump, but put them next to something with some flair…

“Ymir?”

Ymir tilted her head Porco’s way and walked over to a selection of painfully sunny sunflowers. “What now?”

The follow-up didn’t follow through. His shoes squeaked and his jacket rustled while Ymir carefully mapped out her success of floral offense. Signs pointed to a talk happening.

“I—never mind,” Porco muttered.

One of those talks, then. Ymir rolled her eyes and searched out the heliotropes. Past experience dictated no gathering of custom bouquets herself, because the cashier would cry, and that would hold them up, but the second she said she was done and they fetched Pieck her tulips, Porco would be back to questioning everyone else’s life choices instead of his own.

“It’s too late to be her real date,” Ymir said, stopping to smell the roses. “You should have said something earlier if that’s what you wanted.”

Porco crossed his arms and scowled at the hydrangeas. Somehow they failed to burst into flames. Maybe because he looked closer to bursting into tears.

Ymir took magnanimous pity on her baby brother. “Just do what you always do: Wait for her to ask you to dance, and instead of mumbling and letting her drag you away, tell her you don’t want it to be a friend dance. She smiles, your heart melts, you live happily ever after, and I owe Marcel ten bucks.”

“Marcel wouldn’t bet on this,” Porco said, showing off the kind of deep misunderstanding only idolatry could foster. “He likes me.”

“That’s why he bet on you growing a pair,” Ymir said. “Don’t go letting your big brother down, now.”

Porco sulked. He had a way of doing it audibly.

They were through the purchase of Ymir’s custom monstrosity and Pieck’s much lovelier tulips before he brought it up again. A true sign of growth; last year he’d started the conversation once and then sworn her to absolute secrecy.

“You think she’d want to? If I asked?”

A flash of Historia’s wide eyes under the snack shack lights came to mind. A glimmer of a smile that matched the glitter on her cheek, all of her face lit up by Ymir.

“Sure,” Ymir said distantly, “girls like it when you show some initiative.”

----

“You keep tugging at your sleeves and I’m gonna feel insulted.”

Ymir dropped her hand from her suit jacket. “Dressing up three times a year isn’t enough to get used to formalwear. Perfect fit or not.”

Kenny didn’t bother dignifying her with a look. He was driving, and whatever Parenting 101 class he had crashed oh so many years ago had drilled not taking his eyes off the road with children present into his head better than a construction crew. He simply took the next turn, and drawled, “Funny, and here I thought it had something to do with your nerves making a fuss over this girl.”

Did no one ever stop to consider that if she wanted their thoughts about this, she’d ask for it? “Could also be that your shortcut landed us in the middle of nowhere and there’s nothing else to do but pluck threads.”

“Ymir, if you’d caught a single thread out of place, you’d be crowing about it ‘till the end of next month.” He took another turn. Second-to-last one, if Ymir was counting. “Find a better excuse or rub two brain cells together and work out how to stop lying.”

Ymir rolled her eyes and continued looking out the window. The winding road they were heading down was pure black-and-white movie horror. All they needed was some lightning. If the Reisses hadn’t already splurged on it, they ought to invest in a drawbridge and a moat. Great for parties.

Cowboy Dad had volunteered to drive her, and keeping up with his creepy way of knowing too much about everything, had told her they were taking a shortcut he knew before she had a chance to hand over the address. She’d told him she needed to be dropped off at the guest house, which was a fucking thing, so maybe his idea of how to get there could use some help, and got a shrug.

With the look he’d given her bouquet when she presented it, she’d call it a punishment, but passive wasn’t his brand of aggression either. Punishments were delivered with a highlighted anvil.

She pulled at her tie. Kenny sighed loudly.

One last turn, and they came back to civilization. Or some over-glammed approximation of it. A large stretch of road away, a gate shrouded in floodgates heralded their destination, and if it had a giant R in the middle of it, Ymir would have a great start to her bingo card for the night’s festivities. Historia had written the security code for it down on her hand the night before.

The car slowed halfway down the street, going at the speed society could agree belonged to stalkers or people who didn’t know how  to read maps.

“You got everything?” Kenny asked for the third time that hour.

‘Everything’ in this case meant Ymir, the invited one, her phone, the toy she’d brought along for another tally in her win column with Historia, and the gate crashing flowers. “Yeah,” Ymir said.

Heading up the slight hill to the cliché gate, Kenny dotted in the code smoothly, and open the spiked monstrosity went. Step one of the night accomplished. Historia hadn’t explicitly said that she wanted Ymir to avoid talking to anyone on the property until they laid eyes or other parts on each other, but Ymir could read between the lines. Her invite said to show up an hour early and head over to where the staff wasn’t preparing for the party. Until the curtain rose, Ymir was invisible and waiting in the wings.

They drove by the house, also known as an affront to taste so brightly lit that Ymir had to blink several times to confirm that it hadn’t been decked in four stories of cheap Christmas lights, and hit the side road that would lead to the guest house.

Ymir had never had much money, but she had trouble imagining a world where she’d look at her grand mansion with its sixty bathrooms and forty bedrooms, and decide that what it really needed was a smaller house next to it. Just to remind the first house how much better it was than everything around it.

Kenny rolled the car to a stop in front of the whipping house, and in a move that said she wasn’t the only one feeling the horror vibes tonight, killed the engine. He turned to her with his parent face on.

“A few ground rules before you go in there,” he said.

“Was there some reason you couldn’t do this at home, or—”

“No drinking.”

Ymir unbuckled her seatbelt to slouch more effectively in her seat. “Kuchel was just giving Marcel and Pock this lecture,” she said. “If you wanted me to hear it, we could have left five minutes later.”

“Sunshine,” Kenny said, “you’ve never partied with rich people before. All you know about these folks is that a girl you like can’t stand them, and each one’ll have a lawyer on speed dial so they don’t catch consequences when they show off for their fancy friends. That’s not company you want to lose your wits around. No drinking.”

“Great. Next up?”

“No having sex with this girl until you see a clean lab report.”

Ymir was too fucking young and too removed from the blood pressure problems Porco had to worry about a heart attack at her age, but for a second her cardiovascular system, built up by all the recent running, submitted to blind horror and slammed her chest with a sledgehammer.

“What.”

Parent of the Year, showing his usual concern for his offspring, propped his elbow against the steering wheel. Not a sign of remorse or pity in his eyes, he said, “You want to go about devirgining yourself, you do it safely. No letting your hormones go so wild you need a medical consult.”

Ymir took a second to pave over her new mental scars. “Right, I’ll just send her off for one instead,” she said. That’s what all the appealing sexual partners did these days. ‘I really want to jump your bones, won’t you pee in this cup for me?’ With a dash of ‘my dad wants confirmation that you are as much of a touch-starved virgin as everything you do says you are.’ The absolute pinnacle of game.

Kenny was the sort of guy who had probably met sympathy once in a bar and shot it. “You want your bits to fall off, or you want a fun time?”

The bad answer to that was that Ymir just wanted Historia. In a lot of ways and positions, all perfectly lewd. Only when the thought popped up, all she could think of was the marker against her cheek.

“Asking her for clerical proof of how diseased she is sounds like a real riot,” Ymir said instead.

“You can’t work your way around that, you’re too young to be having sex,” Kenny said. “Falling head over heels down a flight of stairs is how you get concussions, and I have enough of that to worry about with your brother.”

This conversation was a better case for not skipping the homecoming dance than anything the school had ever come up with, and it was unfair to the nth degree that she’d still rather be sitting outside the reject house. Unquestionably, which meant, put together with Kenny’s magic sleuthing powers, Ymir was now promised one more fun conversation with Historia in her future, putting to graphic verbal life all the things she thought about doing to her and couldn’t, because they didn’t have the right paperwork. Historia would definitely be on board with that. Things to look fucking forward to in the middle of looking forward to fucking.

Cowboy Dad was committed to his parenting course. He could write his dissertation on this feat of manipulation and emotional trauma. Jackass.

“Fine, great, anything else you want to ruin?”

Kenny unbuckled his seatbelt and opened his side of the car. “Your tie needs sorting. Out you get.”

Ymir rolled her eyes and stepped out into the night under the shadow of the guest house. Since it wasn’t drowned in lights, it was actually capable of casting a shadow. Kenny rounded the car and began his deliberately pointed adjustment of her suit, undoing all of the casual muss Ymir had fidgeted her way into. He saved the tie for last, securing it much tighter than her style called for.

“Anything goes wrong, or you need pickup early, you call. Got that?” he asked.

“Are you trying to make up for not knowing me when I was five?”

His large hands held her head. “Got it, kid?”

Way, way too committed to the parenting thing. Ymir made a show of sighing, and saluted him with the ugly bouquet of flowers he’d coerced her into buying. “Got it, cowboy.”

He pecked the top of her head. “Then you’re all set. Have fun, keep the stupid to the minimum, and don’t be afraid to use a fake name if someone’s too interested.” He set her free and clapped her on the back. “Knock ‘em dead.”

Umbilical cord officially cut for the evening, Ymir sauntered off to the doorstep, respectfully resolving to fix her tie once she was inside.

With Historia.

So much better than homecoming.

Next

[heartbeatsandrainstorms]

“Happy Birthday, your father is dead”

Warning: some parts may not be appropriate for those who are overly imaginative/squeamish.

Apologies if this is disjointed; it was written over several days with only minimal editing; additional apologies for length to those on mobile.

It happened the way we had basically predicted: the tenants downstairs hadn’t heard any noise overhead for several days, so they called the police to do a wellness check. The police found him dead on the floor of his apartment. He had likely been there for several days.

We didn’t get a call from the police; instead, we found out from a morbid version of the game “Telephone”. The tenants downstairs called the other tenants, one of whom called his sister, who is one of my family’s neighbors. This neighbor couldn’t get in touch with any of us, so she called another neighbor who finally succeeded in calling my brother. My brother called me, wished me a happy birthday, and followed with, “um...also...Dad passed away.”

I had just inprocessed into my rotation earlier the same day I got this call, and suddenly I’m emailing the Med Student coordinator (who I hadn’t even met yet- she was on leave and wouldn’t be back for a few more days) asking for permission to take emergency leave, trying to figure out who (if anyone else) I should contact because her backup who I worked with earlier in the day was going to be out the next day, and didn’t tell me who (if anyone) was supposed to be next in line after her, other than to say "if you need anything, any of the attendings will be glad to help.” Not having most of their email addresses, I decided it was a moot point since I was planning to show up to the clinic in the morning anyway.

I don’t think finding an attending at random to tell that I’d just gotten news that my father was dead was exactly what she had in mind on the “just ask anyone for help” front. Not being sure which to pick (and none being in yet), I instead blindsided my resident, and he picked an attending for me once they got in: the program director. While leaving morning report that day, I see her whispering to one of the other attendings and hear, “that’s horrible!” as I walked out of the room.

Pretty sure that comment was about me.

My resident that day heard my end of a call with my sister, who was freaking out a bit and asking kind of horrifying questions. I don’t even want to know what kind of crazy person he thinks I am now. Lets just say that if you ever find yourself in this position, maybe don’t try to answer your sister’s questions about whether your dead father’s face has rotted off while in a public place; maybe also don’t explain that there’s too many variables about how bodies decompose to be able to tell her what state your father’s body is likely to be in. Perhaps you should instead much more quickly reach the conclusion that I eventually did, and just tell her that there is a good chance we should plan for a closed casket, and to mentally prepare for that.

We weren’t sure at first how long it would take for the body to be released from the medical examiner’s office, so I stayed at my rotation site until we were able to set dates for the wake and funeral. This means I had a lot of people ask me if I was sure I didn’t want to take some time for myself, and proceeded to assure them that I was doing ok, thank you, and I would prefer to be kept busy. This was (mostly) true, short of feeling nauseated any time I didn’t have something to keep me busy. Then I came home. Until I got home, I held it all together.

I honestly thought years ago that I had cried for the last time over my father. His last years on this earth were not particularly kind to any of us, and I think everyone in the family became more broken for it. I know I was the first of us to give up; my siblings never got there. I had forgotten about the better times. I say “better” because I believe that for much of his life my father was tortured by mental health problems that we can only speculate the full extent of. I do know he was deeply unhappy, and was a loner who had difficulty connecting to other people. But there was a time when he tried to give us what he never had, and invested (literally) in our futures. Back in the better years, he was the one who taught me how to use tools, who took us to our soccer games, and who flooded the backyard to make us a skating rink in the winter.

We spent my first night home going through old pictures, and it’s good to remember the family vacations and birthdays and random family goofiness. It also hurt a lot more. It brought up a lot of “could’ve/should’ve/would’ve” feels. And maybe I could have done things differently; maybe doing so would’ve dumped me into bad (worse) mental place at the time; maybe I’d feel better now; maybe it would have made this whole thing hurt more now. Lots of maybes, no answers. Having said, that, I haven’t forgotten the harder times: the times where I felt so emotionally manipulated by him that I wanted to cut all contact, the times where I wondered whether he saw me as a full human being of my own, the years of hurt and feeling like no matter what I did I couldn’t earn his approval. The many-faceted nature of our relationship and all its consequences has made the whole coping/grieving/moving on process both harder and easier than expected.

People keep asking me to let them know if I need anything, but short of the people I asked for rides to/from the airport, I haven’t been able to think of anything. I have wants and wishes- not needs. And the wants and wishes aren’t actually possible, because the past is immutable, irreparable, and it’s far too late for second chances for our relationship. 

And so now I’m back on my rotation. I flew back the day after the funeral. It felt wrong in some ways to take so little time, but that day the rest of the family went back to work, and like hell was I going to do, sit around my mom’s place by myself that day. All I can do is move forward. Moving forward feels like either an act of recovery, or a final act of defiance. Maybe it’s both. By continuing to push forward, it’s like I’m refusing to let my father hold me back in death when I never let him do that in his life. I think he found it infuriating in some ways, but even though he never said it, I want to believe that he was proud of me making my place in the world and doing so many of the things that I always wanted to do. 

I’ll never know, and that might be one of the hardest parts of all. And knowing that he died in a way that no one should: lonely, alone, and without being found for days thereafter. And knowing that he probably didn’t know how to tell us properly that he missed us/wanted to spend time with us; in cleaning out his apartment, we found a bunch of pictures of us kids, and it hurts to think that that was most of what he had left of our relationship was some old photos and whatever memories he had. 

Which is to say that it’s been a hard couple of weeks, and I’m trapped between feeling like I want to talk about it and feeling like I need to keep my mouth shut because I’m out here on an interview rotation and my job is to keep my head down, get my work done, and make a good impression. I also know that I’ll cry if I talk about it, and I am generally opposed to crying in front of authority figures if I can help it. And let’s be real, everyone from the interns to the attendings are authority figures, which means no crying allowed. Sit down, shut up, one foot in front of the other. Keep. Moving. Forward.

[bibillyhillsbaby]

💕 check-in tag 💕

tagged by my loves, my life: @blueandtaes @emojihobi @rosebowl @artsyjoons and @butterkookies (thank you all - it was fun to read your answers 🥰)

rambling below be warned

1. why did you choose your url? aha i feel like it doesn’t really need explanation lol joon + telepathy + i am baby = my url (i think i changed it the day of the telepathy performance? and was only gonna keep it for a day but then it just stuck i love the sound of it and again, i’m baby) 

2. any sideblogs? if you have them name them and why you have them? i have.... 4 sideblogs? to be fair, 1) one was meant to be a bts sideblog until it took over my life and thus my main, 2) an aesthetic/ art blog that again, i now just post that on main... 3) a blog for books which.... i post on main (do you see a pattern??) and finally 4) my personal travel blog that i haven’t used because uhh no traveling but i use it as a diary basically of when i lived abroad 

3. how long have you been on tumblr? i think the odd little memories creature said i made my blog in 2013?? so many years lol

4. do you have a queue tag? noooo and i keep thinking maybe i should make one but then i like the mystery it creates like... am i here? (which the answer is, yes, probably i am) 

5. why did you start your blog in the first place? honestly i think it was after a post about my history teacher went “viral” (aka was included in a buzzfeed article lmao) and it started on here so i checked it out to look at, of all things, posts about the AP Euro exam (aklamd;asdksand) ; i stayed because it’s my comfort site and where else could i freak out over these men™ with amazing people who ilsm 🥺

6. why did you choose your icon? bi joon!!! happy pride!!! 

7. why did you choose your header? LOL i wanted something that represented all of my biases and also fit my aesthetic aka “did a kindergartener make this?” aka pink, hearts, love, etc. 

8. what’s your post with the most notes? definitely my hobi / my neighbor totoro set which is the set im most proud of because i think i got a better grasp of coloring and how sets should be structured and also like, HE’S SO CUTE!!! 

9. how many mutuals do you have? i echo everyone else and say idk how to calculate that?? but i love and cherish all of you so much 🥺

10. how many followers do you have? enough so that i am perceived, but not too perceived if you get me lmao 😘

11. how many people do you follow? i recently tried to unfollow some inactive blogs so i’m at 353 currently but i follow people at the drop of the hat so it will soon increase lol

12. have you ever made a shitpost? i completely agree with t, like i don’t really believe in the concept of a shitpost, and to quote sharika, “We Are All Just Online” (that being said i am known to make very niche memes about capybaras) 

13. how often do you use tumblr each day? way too much lmao (i say, as i am currently typing this before i leave for work, where i will continue to use tumblr throughout the day because like... idc about work) 

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won? lol no and i never will, the only person i argue with is my brother and usually i cry 🥲

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts? Specifically posts with that phrasing i dont like because you dont need to do anything, it‘s your blog do what you want - but i do try to reblog things that i think are important and can help people

16. do you like tag games? I love them, i am always behind on them, if you have ever tagged me in something i am in love with you, and if i never responded it is probably still in my likes and i am sorry

17. do you like ask games? Yes! Again, i am very slow ( i am still getting through the ♣️ asks but if you sent me one i will do it!! And if you wrote one about me i will respond !!! It‘s so much easier to write them than receive them but ily)

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? Echoing everyone else again to say what does this mean we are all just on here lmao

19. do you have a crush on a mutual? I am a pisces so yes i am in love with all of you - as namjoon once said „i live so i love“ and as hozier once said „i fall in love just a little old little bit every day with someone new“ and as fleabag‘s dad once said „I think you know how to love better than any of us. That's why you find it all so painful“ - in sum i am made up of love and it‘s everything and all that i am 💕

20. tags? Is this asking whether i like tags or who im tagging? I love tags and i love people who scream in the tags aaaaand im tagging: @hazeltae @fakelovedotmp3 @yoongisbengaliwife @stardustyoongi @pjmsdior @jinsmin @dis-easehobi @yoongibuttcheeks @kithtaehyung @trustingofwinds (tagged some newer moots so if you dont want to be tagged in these lmk! as always only if you want to, and if you have already tag me so i can see! 💕)