#anotheraddictinrecovery

[anotheraddictinrecovery]

He just left his 4th rehab treatment - in a different country

Mentally Fucked up

I am having a hard time adjusting back to the person who I was and am at cross roads with who I would like to be and who I was. Some would call it a life crisis, others a hiccup in the road, others a short coming, I wish I had a name to pin point what it is, but whatever the term, it has taken a toll on me.

This four month experience really fucked me up in the sense that I lost track of the person I was working to be, or maybe it shook me up and made me feel like I have solid beliefs and values. It was a brutal experience nonetheless. Picture rehab ran like a prison. Where your addiction is attacked based on your person and who you are. Many times I was told I was worthless and stupid and had little opportunity to feel like I could really breathe. I felt worse than what it was like being under the influence. 

The program was ran by other addicts who were dealing with their own addiction however the community was composed of a punishment system rather than finding effective ways to combat with my addiction. I literally feel psychologically fucked up. 

This occurred in Mexicali and the laws here do not respect human rights, the basic decision and pride one would take to seek the help that they need. To understand how I feel I need to let you know how I relapsed. 

Yup. I relapsed and it almost cost me my life. Had I not end up in a safe place I would probably be six feet under. I had almost five days straight using. I literally felt like giving up and wanted to seek a pleasurable sensation, very much since that is how my addiction is manifested. That is how I learned the drug, naked in the middle of intercourse because being a confused gay man I was not comfortable in the acts I was conducting. So I snorted and ever since the search to match that euphoria with drug consumption has been a huge defect with my addiction. Five days of using, barely ate anything or drank anything for that matter. Tried to shoot up a dose only to miss and fail at my idea of being aroused. I was literally on a highway to hell and I could not find a way to put an end to it. 

I eventually found a way to reach out to someone I knew who always had a way to get more of the dose that made me believe that the idea that manifested to continue to use since nothing terrible had happened. We went to a hotel and I used the whole night, trying to find a way to be comfortable while combating the “portals of demons” or insane thoughts that rattled my mind. I lost my conscious, or rather my conscious was fighting to make sure I didn’t get lost in the pool of what was pulling me. 

Eventually I had lost it all and I could not find any peace in my head. I stayed composed, or tried to because of all the thoughts that were going through my head. I used harder than I ever had in that hotel room, not knowing what outcome I wanted to happen. I was tried in all the elements - physical, mental, and spiritually. I walked out of the hotel and walked back home. 

I ended up crossing a church to which I felt I must make an effort to seek serenity and at ease, yet I was still at battle with the thoughts in my head. I fainted in the church, my family was called and I was taken into an ER. Had I not been there within the next 15 minutes I would’ve flat lined. That thought to me I am still combating with. 

I gained some strength while in the ER however left thinking that everything was fine and that nothing had happened. This tripped out the family, they thought I was bluffing and minimizing what happened. I can’t say what it was, for I was hungry and exhausted. All I wanted to do was eat and sleep.

Long story short, after almost dying I am taken into a rehabilitation center where things are literally ran like a prison. Things were changing as my time progressed. I like to think that it was God protecting me since that is what he has demonstrated all the time. However I was mad at many things. I still am trying to get over that feeling of almost dying and being dumped by the family into an unknown facility that treats its patients or “user” as a scumbag who’s worthless. Each day was a hard fought battle for me, even though the boys there were used to be brutally abused - physically and mentally. 

I couldn’t wrap my finger around this reality and that scared the shit out of me. I left the place yesterday, and today I am more than certain that I am a wonderful person who made a terrible decision who underwent a brutal life beating because of it. There’s a lot that I need to work on and it’s helping me to be able to write about here. I however have a lot of coming down to do. My thoughts are exploding since I had no time to grief the thought that I almost died. 

If you are reading this and are dealing with an addiction or know of someone who is undergoing a battle with addiction please find a way to seek professional help, and take advantage of it. There are several men and women who are fighting against their addiction in the most cruel way and it scares me. I have a lot of faith that I will get through it, I have to. I’ve been strong enough to endure life challenges and this is just one of them. 

I keep reminding myself that I can live a healthy, sober, and successful life. The steps I take today are the ones that will make that difference and that I must engrave in my head.