#another skyben self para

[jedimusings]

death with dignity // another ben self para 

everyone who gets mentioned: @dcpravities (jasper, luke), @mcrcki (aunt leia),  @graveycrds (nik, alec), @rainbowmuses (jaina), @empathiie (rey), @tragcdysewn (allana), @rvkybusincv (ty lee), @dangerousbet (mara jade), @lxstheroes (revan, jacen) 

tl;dr: rip to my son, have fun with your no memory vacation 

ben's body ached- he’d spent- force he had lost track of time again-  some time helping others. it had given him a distraction from giving into whatever this was. and he was giving in to it, but maybe slower. he wasn’t sure. he’d gotten caught up in some fight with another infected person, they had slashed one arm, and then popped a part of an arm bone out of place entirely. broken or not, either way, it had left him in pain, it was his dominant arm, as well. his saber arm. 

he was alone, but he knew where the closest hospital was. so he began his trek in that direction when he encountered another person. maybe another person in need of help, ben figured he was strong enough to lift his saber with his left hand if the other was in trouble. but, even yards away, he could tell that the other looked just like him- maybe he had to fight a version of himself? perhaps this was another test in the force, as his duel with his father had been. now he would have to fight an evil version of himself. he didn’t have time for it- but the force has once again launched a test into his lap. ben had enough time to draw his lightsaber with his left before he felt himself being slammed against the concrete hitting the back of his head- losing his strength immediately. intense pain hit his throat- and ben closed his eyes for what could have been the last time. 

his head rolled to the side, his eyes half-opened, finding the strength to wrap his hand over his lightsaber one last time. it was more for comfort than to defend himself or to attack the other. ben had built it during his time training with jacen, yet he had still modeled it to look just like his father’s. ben hardly liked being around his dad then, yet he had still modeled it after luke’s lightsaber, like he was hoping for the promise of a better relationship in the future. or still wanted to honor his father somehow. maybe both. he wasn’t sure why he’d done it- he still squeezed his hand around it, like a hug it comforted him, even though he didn’t have the energy to wield it properly. 

he exhaled again. wondering if he would have his memories when he came back. he could really hate this place sometimes. his life was plenty full of uncertainty- but he had never had to worry about remembering his life or not when he was back home. he wondered if it would be a complete memory wipe, or if he would think he was someone else entirely. ben preferred the first, maybe then he would be easier to convince that a twenty-something was his father, and that his felt things so intensely because of this thing called the force, and of the life he had made here. etc. he briefly thought of the word document saved to his computer, detailing his life just in case he ever forgot. ben hadn’t updated it months. and maybe he had hid it too well from a memory-less version of himself to find.

right now he felt like a ghost. maybe if he had more energy he’d call out through the force to his dad and apologize. or maybe even nik, or jaina, or rey. and maybe even ty lee or alec, but they weren’t force sensitive and he wouldn’t want to scare them like that in his last moments, they wouldn’t understand. it would probably scare them more than confuse them. and when he came back without his memories they would be confused together. 

but then it hit him. maybe he wouldn’t come back. and that’s when his- almost calm turned into a panic spiral. his dad had come back, his aunt leia had come back. nik and jacen were alive despite dying previously. yet he hadn’t seen his mother. or vestara. or any number of people he’d considered important to his life. no wedge, or myri, or finn, or poe. none of them had made it. just because some had come back, didn’t mean that he would. and that sent him into a panic. 

this could be it. he realized that this could be it. plenty of people hadn’t made it here. why should he get to stay? his breathing became even more erratic, these were his last breaths. he tried to calm himself but focusing on the only other scent besides the blood and the sweat, his strawberry scented kid’s dollar store shampoo. somehow, still not worn out despite days of wear and tear that had come with the last couple of days. it calmed him for ten seconds, before he started coming in and out of consciousness. 

and as his vision began to blur in and out of the dark, ben became truly scared. he was dying, and he was not longer sure if he would come back from this like the others had. he didn’t think he would be afraid of death. selfishly, he wished he wasn’t alone. maybe that’s why he was grasping his saber so tightly. it was home, it had been his life, it had always been with him, it was a constant, and it was something to bear his pain on as he grasped it. it gave him something, but he didn’t want to be alone. he’d felt alone for a lot of his life, he didn’t want to be alone now. his breaths became heavy again. he was going. he knew that he was going. there was no dad or jacen to swoop in and save him as they had before. even if someone did turn up for whatever reason, ben knew it was too late. his breaths grew shorter. 

and increased, more and more panicked. but he remembered his mother. she was on the other side. she was waiting for him on the other side. his mother, and her inability to cook. and her literalness. her humor. the way she cared for him and loved him. she was waiting for him on the other side. he’d tell her everything. although she had seen everything already. about the exile. he and his dad, not just fixing their relationship, but his dad actually becoming his mentor and his best friend. about helping tahiri and meeting vestara. about meeting rey and the rest of the crew, and getting to tell her their stories. and then coming to dc and nik being alive again and getting the second chance he deserved. where he made new friends and met revan and ty lee and alec. how jaina was getting a degree and getting the life that she deserved. and how the other ben was getting to start over. and how allana was all grown up now. and how he thought that he himself could eventually be happy here. in his small apartment with his roommate and his job and his relationship and all of the mundane issues that came with not carrying the world on one’s shoulders.

but ben couldn’t wait to see her again, he would miss everyone else if he didn’t get to come back, memory or not (because everyone seemed to get their memories back at some point). but maybe he could guide them if he didn’t get to come back. and if he didn’t get to come back- he would get to be with his mother again. that would be worth it. it wasn’t like back home. here, his father hardly knew him. and everyone else had other people to lean on. ben thought that they would be okay without him.

while his breaths were still short and heavy, he tried to calm his presence in the force. regardless of what ben’s own fate was, he didn’t have to scar anyone he loved with what was happening to him. he tried with all of the energy he had left, but he wasn’t sure if it worked. but trying to calm himself was the last that he had. 

his breaths still shallow and quick. everything hurt somehow, like being hit by force lightening, but times ten. his eyes fluttered shut once again, for the last time. he tried hiding himself in the force completely, just like jacen had taught him all those years ago. but ben didn’t think he had enough energy for that to work, he told himself it did, just so that he could rest. he felt himself slipping one last time, no longer seeing the point in hanging on, because he knew now that he was going. 

he was scared. but he allowed his eyes to close, and tried to feel peace. as if he wasn’t dying alone, possibly for good. and that he was coming back. best case scenario, no one was feeling his death, and he would wake up in a few hours with his memory fully in tact. worst case scenario, he had died alone, but he would be with his mother. and how could that, on any scale, be a worst case scenario? he’d be with the one who had loved him most, guiding the others that he loved from whatever force afterlife. and as he took what he unsure were his last breaths, he figured that wouldn’t be the worst way to spend his afterlife. no, in either scenario, he would be with the ones who loved him most. if this was it, he would be with his mother. and if he had to start over, but still alive, he would be with his father, and his aunt, and his cousins, and friends. he would be okay, he told himself ten times: it would be okay, it would be okay, it would be okay, they would all be okay, one last time. before he finally dozed off.