#another quick one today because I've had one hell of a month

[ministarfruit]

yuri month day 28: please be mine ♡

(femslashfeb prompt list)

[daryltwdixon]

Joel Miller x Reader

summary: Joel never meant to let you get under his skin, but you did—slowly, quietly, until you were all he could think about. When you go missing on patrol, the months of keeping his distance end in an instant. Finding you hurt, vulnerable, waiting for him— he finally stops fighting what was inevitable.

babes idk this has been plaguing me all damn day okay? angsty, grumpy, eventually fluffy Joel Miller. im all about the drama today I've been getting a lot of requests about Joel tending to reader on a patrol gone wrong / Jackson!Joel so here is a whole one shot dedicated to all of you ♥︎

When Joel Miller came back to Jackson after taking Ellie from that hospital, he was on edge. Always on edge. The bags under his eyes darkened by the day, deep-set proof of sleepless nights spent tangled in sweat-drenched sheets, jolting awake from nightmares that left him breathless and clawing at the past. So he worked. Took on more patrols, fixed fences, chopped wood—kept his hands busy, his mind busier. If he let up, even for a second, the memories crept in like rot in the walls. That way when his head hit the pillow at night, he was too exhausted for dreams.

Then spring came, and with it, something new. Something warm. Something bright.

You.

He didn’t know where the hell you came from at first. Just that Tommy had dragged you in, half-dead and shaking, after your group got torn apart by Infected out near the old hunting cabins. He heard about it once Tommy could stomach telling the story—another tragedy, more unknown lives lost—but you? You survived.

And now he hardly recognized you as that scared, bloody thing they found in the snow. You were—Jesus—you were everywhere. Helping in the garden, stacking supplies, chattering with the old folks who baked you fresh bread or cookies because they liked how sweet you were. It was annoying. Distracting. You were too...bright. Too alive. Too much of a reminder of something he shouldn’t want. He didn’t even want to know your name, but it found him anyway.

“She wants to start helping on patrols,” Tommy said casually, slicing into his steak one Sunday night over dinner. Maria nodded, considering.

“We could always put her with—”

No. It was all Joel could think. Not you, not out there in the wilderness again. There was so much shit out there, you’d faced enough. Couldn't you just stay here, safe?

Tommy narrowed his eyes. “No?” he echoed, a little amused, a little suspicious.

Joel clenched his jaw, shoving another bite of food in his mouth, chewing slow to buy himself time as he realized he must’ve said it out loud. His throat went dry as he forced himself to swallow.

Joel forced a grunt, waved a hand vaguely. “Just think she’s too young to be goin’ out there. Didn’t she just get here?”

“She’s older than Ellie,” Tommy pointed out, spearing a potato on his fork. “And Ellie’s out there right now, you know that.”

Joel’s fingers curled tight around his knife. Yeah, he knew. Ellie was out on her first real two-day patrol, and he’d spent the last twenty-four hours half-sick over it. His eyes flickered to her empty seat, and he sent up a silent prayer that she was still safe.

“Well,” Tommy continued, oblivious, “I’m plannin’ on buddyin’ her up with one of my best guys. Jesse can take her. Shouldn’t be an issue. He’s quick on his feet, got a good eye.”

Jesse. Joel barely held back a sneer. The kid was fine, sure. But Jesse wasn’t the issue.

You were.

Joel sipped his shitty, lukewarm coffee from a chipped mug, scowling at how diluted it was as it settled on his tongue. He missed real coffee. Hated that he had to drink this watered-down bullshit. The only thing worse was the sharp knock at his door.

His jaw clenched.

With a heavy sigh, he set down the mug, already annoyed, and stomped over. If this was Tommy with more goddamn chores or Maria with another lecture about community responsibility, he was gonna—

Joel yanked the door open, glare already in place. But then he saw you, and his stomach dropped.

You stood there, a little breathless, strands of hair falling loose around your face despite how you’d tied it back. Morning sun caught on your skin, the warm glow of sweat making you look… Fuck. His grip tightened on the doorframe.

"Oh–Hi," you said, a little uncertain, shifting on your feet.

Joel just stared.

He hadn’t spoken to you. Not once. Hadn’t let himself. You were too damn…well, whatever you were, whatever part of him that couldn’t quite place what you did to him…he wanted no part of it. But now you were standing at his door, looking at him with those bright, wide eyes, and he felt like a teenage boy again.

His brows furrowed, lips pressed into a hard line. He didn’t move. Didn’t breathe. He had no clue what the hell to even say.

Your blush deepened under his stare. "Um," you murmured, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. "Ellie told me to come grab her before I left for patrol. First time and all." A nervous laugh puffed out of you, light and breathy. "She said she keeps a map of the area—marked with all the bad spots. Ya know."

Joel blinked. His brain finally caught up.

Patrol.

Your patrol.

His jaw ticked. So Tommy still had you paired with Jessie then?

"Ellie," Joel called behind him, finally tearing his gaze from you.

Footsteps pounded down the stairs before Ellie appeared, still in her pajamas, rubbing at her eye with the heel of her hand.

"Hey!" she called when she met your gaze, brightening.

Joel grumbled something low and incoherent, something that excused him as he turned on his heel and headed back toward the kitchen. He didn’t dare look at you again. But he felt your eyes on him. Questioning. Curious.

He hated it.

You were in his house.

Moving around upstairs. Talking to Ellie. When the hell had you two become friends? Your voice filtered down, mixing with the soft creak of the floorboards, and Joel stood in the kitchen, fuming.

He shouldn’t care.

Shouldn’t give a shit about where Tommy had you stationed, who you were paired with, how ready you were or weren’t for the outside. It wasn’t his goddamn business. But the thought of you out there—stumbling into an ambush, stepping too loud in a place you shouldn’t, a clicker lurking just out of sight, waiting for one wrong move—made his chest tighten in a way he really didn’t like.

He braced a hand on the counter, fingers drumming against the wood.

A few minutes later, your footsteps padded back down as Joel was heading out the door for his own chores. He didn’t turn, didn’t move as you crossed through the house. Just as you made your way past him, your flowery scent, so feminine and light and soft—

"Bye, Joel."

Your voice was light. Casual. Like it was nothing. Like saying his name didn’t do anything.

But it did.

His body went rigid, like something had yanked him back into himself, back into that dark and tangled place in his head where things got real complicated real quick. His name in your mouth, soft and easy, made his skin prickle, made something heavy settle deep in his chest. It stuck to him like a damn burr, taking place and nestling tight in his mind. His name on your lips was like a song, something like a siren’s call made specifically for him. And he wanted to hear it again and again and again.

He was so fucked.

Joel spent the day trying not to think about you.

And managed to do a shit job of it.

His hands worked—fixing a busted stable door, making sure the latch held, leading the horses out into the pasture on the warmest day so far—but his mind stayed locked on one thing. Had you made it to the outpost? Was the trip quiet? Had Jesse kept you close? Had he been watching your back?

It was pissing him off, all this worrying about someone he barely even knew.

Joel huffed, trying to shake the gnawing in his chest. He just needed to get through the work. Keep his head down, get home, and sleep it off.

Then he saw Jesse.

The kid was near the stables, talking to Dina, grinning like he didn’t have a single worry in the goddamn world. Joel’s brow furrowed. His steps slowed as he stared, confusion creeping in. Jesse was back? Already? That didn’t make sense. It had only been half a day. Patrols didn’t wrap this early, not unless something had happened.

For a moment, he almost convinced himself he was grateful that the hours had passed without sight of you. Maybe that meant his mind was finally loosening the barb you’d stuck in him. Maybe, after today, he wouldn’t waste any more time thinking about you.

But that was a damn lie.

Because hadn’t he thought of you every single hour since you left his house this morning? Hadn’t his eyes kept tracking the road, half-expecting you to appear? Hadn’t he been waiting—hoping—for some confirmation that you were fine, that patrol had been canceled, that you had never even needed to go in the first place?

Something was wrong. He felt it.

His jaw clenched. “Jesse.”

The kid turned, hands shoved in his pockets. “Hey, Mr. Miller. What’s up?”

Joel frowned, eyes narrowing. “You’re already back?”

Jesse tilted his head, looking confused. “Uh… yeah?”

Joel exhaled sharply through his nose, patience wearing thin. His fingers twitched at his side, a slow, creeping sense of unease taking root in his chest. “Patrols don’t usually wrap this early.”

Jesse blinked, then let out a short laugh, shaking his head. “Oh, right—yeah, I didn’t go. Switched last minute, said it was some schedule mix-up.”

Joel barely heard the rest of the explanation.

I didn’t go.

The words hammered around his skull, his stomach twisting. You hadn’t been with Jesse.

You’d been out there—out in those woods—this whole time without one of the few people in this place who could actually handle themselves.

His fingers twitched at his side, curling and uncurling. His breathing stayed slow, even, controlled—but that was only because every part of him was focusing on not snapping. “Who’d you switch with?” His voice came out too sharp, too flat, but he didn’t care.

Jesse shrugged, completely unaware of the storm brewing behind Joel’s eyes. “Uh… can’t remember his name. New guy. Kinda scrawny, blond—”

Joel didn’t need to hear any more.

He knew exactly who Jesse was talking about.

Fucking Caleb.

Barely twenty. Couldn’t shoot for shit. Slow on his feet. Jumpy. The kind of kid who hesitated. And Joel had seen firsthand what hesitation got people. It got them killed.

His vision went red. You. Out there. With some stupid kid.

His pulse was a dull, thudding roar in his ears. He should’ve put his foot down with Tommy. Should’ve stopped you from leaving his house this morning. You might've thought he was insane, maybe even hated him for it. But he had known it was a bad idea. He felt it in his gut. And now you were out in the goddamn wilderness with someone who barely knew his left from his right, and there wasn’t a damn thing Joel could do about it.

His chest rose and fell in slow, controlled breaths. His hands curled into fists.

Dina and Jesse went back to talking, still existing like everything was fine, like nothing had shifted, like nothing had gone wrong.

But Joel was already moving.

He needed his gun, he needed a horse.

And he needed to get to you—now.

Joel stormed toward the gates, his blood hot in his veins, fists clenched so tight his knuckles ached. The second he spotted Tommy, standing near the watch post, chatting with one of the patrol leads, he nearly exploded.

"What the hell were you thinkin’?" Joel’s voice came sharp, cutting through the quiet.

Tommy turned, brow furrowing. "What?"

"You sent that girl out with Caleb for her first patrol?" Joel seethed, stepping closer, his frame tense, his breath coming out hard and fast. "Are you kidding me? You said she was goin’ with Jesse, and I just saw him at the barn."

Tommy’s face darkened. "I didn’t do that."

Joel let out a harsh, humorless laugh, his hands going to his hips like he was physically holding himself back from breaking something, “That so? So why is Jesse tellin’ me you did?”

Tommy exhaled sharply, rubbing a hand down his face. "No, Joel, I wouldn’t send two damn novices out together. They must’ve switched last minute and didn’t tell anybody."

Joel’s jaw locked. That answer didn’t make him feel any better.

"Christ," Tommy muttered, shaking his head. "Look, we’ll deal with it when they get back—"

"Deal with it?" Joel barked. "If they get back, Tommy. That dumbass kid don’t know his left from his right. He hesitates, he panics—she’s out there alone."

Tommy held up a hand, voice leveling. "Joel. Just wait. We don’t even—"

"RIDERLESS HORSE COMING IN!"

The shout came from above.

Both brothers whipped their heads toward the gate as someone from the watchtower pointed out toward the open plains.

Joel’s stomach plummeted. Every muscle in his body went tight as the gallop of hooves thundered against the dirt, stirrups flapping madly at its sides, the dark blur of a horse sprinting toward the gates.

"Shit," Tommy muttered, already waving for them to get it open. "Whose is it?"

The guard peered over the ledge, adjusting his scope. "Looks like… it’s Eclipse. Who took him out today?"

The world dropped out from under Joel’s feet. The barn door he was working on, it was that horse. He saw your name on the check out clipboard by his stall. No, no no. This was all some sick nightmare he was in. 

Tommy’s eyes went wide as he looked at Joel, all the color draining from his face.

The sound of his own breath—too loud, too ragged—roared in his ears. That was your horse. Your only goddamn way back. And now it was here. Without you.

He didn’t hesitate. Didn’t think. His feet were already moving, shoving past Tommy, heading straight for the stables.

"Joel—"

He ignored Tommy, grabbing his saddle, moving with a purpose that wouldn’t be stopped. Strapped on his rifle as he checked it out at the booth, barely sparing a glance at the patrol guard logging the weapons. His hands worked fast, quicker than they had in a long time, muscle memory kicking in as he moved on autopilot.

He made his way straight to his usual horse, Diablo, getting him tacked up in record speed. The gelding shifted under his hands, picking up on the tight, coiled tension radiating off of him. Joel didn’t ease him. Didn’t whisper the usual steadying words, consumed only with thoughts of where you could be.

"Joel, dammit—think about this," Tommy’s voice rang out behind him, stepping up into the stall, frustration biting at the edges of his words. "You can’t just go out there alone. We’ll send a group—"

"Don’t have time," Joel muttered, cinching the saddle tight.

"You don’t even know what happened—"

"Exactly."

Joel’s voice came sharp, bitter, final. He turned, finally looking at Tommy, and his brother must’ve seen something in his face—something dark, something unmoving—because whatever argument he was about to make died on his tongue.

Joel led the horse out of the stables quickly, boots heavy against the dirt. Diablo tossed his head, nostrils flaring, sensing the shift in him. Once they were outside, Joel hoisted himself into the saddle in one swift motion, gathering the reins, already angling the horse toward the gates.

"Joel, for fuck’s sake—"

"Open the gate."

His voice was low, commanding.

The men guarding the post hesitated, glancing at each other, then at Tommy.

No one moved.

No one spoke.

Joel’s jaw ticked, grip tightening. "Open the damn gate!" he snapped, his voice a sharp crack of thunder, booming across the yard. Diablo snorted beneath him, ears pinning back as his hooves shifted nervously in the dirt.

Still, no one made a move. Joel’s patience snapped.

He swung his glare back to Tommy, voice low, dangerous. "You can stay here and play it safe, but I’m going."

Tommy exhaled sharply through his nose, rubbing a hand down his face, muttering something under his breath. But he gave a quick nod to the men at the gate.

The locks disengaged. The doors groaned.

Joel didn’t wait.

The second the opening was wide enough, he kicked his heels in, sending Diablo into a hard gallop, tearing out into the open.

He didn’t care what Tommy had to say.

Didn’t care that he was riding into the unknown, alone.

Didn’t care that this wasn’t his fight.

He didn’t care that he hardly knew you.

Because he did know you, after all.

You were light and soft and gentle in a world that hardened even the best of souls. You smiled at people when they spoke to you, laughed easily, touched others when you talked—little brushes of your fingers over an arm, a squeeze to a shoulder, things Joel wasn’t used to seeing anymore. You had no reason to be kind, no reason to be so goddamn good, and yet, you were.

And now the world had you.

It didn’t matter that he’d never spoken to you, that he had tried so damn hard to keep his distance. He had stayed away, convinced himself it was better that way, easier. But that hadn’t stopped you from getting into his head, hadn’t stopped you from settling into the places he didn’t have room for you, hadn’t stopped his chest from tightening all goddamn day wondering if you were still breathing.

Because he knew what was out there.

He knew what waited in the trees, in the shadows, in the abandoned places people never came back from. He knew how quickly a routine patrol could turn into a massacre, how easy it was to be there one second and gone the next. He knew how fast infected could pop up from the dark, how quickly a gun barrel could press against a skull, how little it took for someone like you to disappear forever.

And if that happened—if he found you out there, lifeless and cold—Joel didn’t know what the hell he’d do.

Joel spotted the outpost cabin up ahead, barely visible through the dense green of the trees, its frame old and weather-worn. A lone horse stood tied outside, shifting restlessly. As he rode closer, his eyes flicked to the J brand on its croup. Caleb’s.

His stomach twisted.

He swung off Diablo without thinking, barely registering his own movements as he tied the reins to the nearest branch. His heart was hammering, his breath coming hard and fast, sweat slicking the back of his neck as he pushed the door open and stepped inside.

His heart launched into his throat when he first saw you. You were slightly slumped against the wall, your fingers curled tenderly around your leg, face pale.

Joel could barely breathe. His body moved quickly, crossing the space in seconds. You were alive, you were alive. Everything was fine.

Your eyes widened in surprise, but then something in your face softened—relief, gratitude. "Joel?"

His throat was dry. "What happened?" His voice came rough, low, sharp with something too close to panic.

Your lips parted like you weren’t sure if you were hearing him right. This was the first time he had ever spoken to you—really spoken to you—but right now, none of that mattered.

You exhaled shakily. "Eclipse spooked at something. Threw me off. I-I landed wrong." You grimaced, shifting slightly as you gripped your leg. "I think it’s broken.”

Joel’s chest went tight. Broke your leg. Out here. With no way back.

The scenario was too damn close to something worse, and he hated how easily his brain filled in the gaps. If you hadn’t made it to the outpost…if you’d landed just a little worse. Where the hell was your supposed patrol partner and why wasn’t he taking you back to Jackson?

"How long you been here?" His voice was clipped, his hands already moving, pushing back the fabric of your pants to see the damage.

"Couple hours," you murmured, watching him. "We managed to get here, checked the logbook like we were told to. I didn’t know what else to do."

Joel’s jaw flexed. You were trying to be strong. He could see it in the way you held yourself, in the way you downplayed the situation, like you weren’t sitting here with a broken goddamn leg and no real protection.

Before he could say anything else, footsteps sounded at the doorway.

Caleb.

Joel looked up, and something in him snapped.

The kid had the nerve to look relieved. "Oh—Joel, you found us."

Joel was already on his feet, moving. He shoved the kid—hard.

Caleb stumbled back, barely catching himself against the doorframe. "H-hey—!"

"The hell were you doin' leaving her here?," Joel seethed, stepping forward, voice low and dangerous. "You left her here hurt and alone while you what? Sat on your ass?"

Caleb swallowed hard, eyes flickering between him and you. "I didn’t—I didn’t leave, I was out checking the perimeter—"

"Checking the perimeter?" Joel’s breath came sharp, bitter. "She’s got a broken goddamn leg. What the hell were you gonna do if something came through that door? If infected caught her like this? Why didn’t you turn back and take her home?!”

Caleb’s face flushed, his mouth opening like he wanted to argue, but Joel was already done listening.

"Get back to Jackson." He shoved the kid toward the door again, barely resisting the urge to do worse. "Tell ‘em she’s alive. Tell ‘em we’ll be back once I've patched her up.” Joel leaned in, voice dropping into something dangerous. "I’ll deal with you later."

Caleb hesitated, like he wanted to say something, but one more look at Joel’s face must’ve changed his mind.

He left, the door shutting behind him, and only silence followed.

Joel exhaled hard through his nose, still standing there, still furious, still running too hot, his hands clenched into fists.

“You didn’t need to be so hard on him,” you said softly from where you sat.

Joel’s scowl was back in full force as he turned toward you. "And you—" His voice came sharp, and that was when it hit him.

He was here. With you. Alone. And he was speaking to you for the first time. He had been so panicked when he walked in he barely noticed.  The words he was ready to lash at you to you weren’t kind, weren’t measured. They were biting. They came with anger and frustration and fear and all the shit he hadn’t let himself process on the ride over.

He scrubbed a rough hand down his face, trying to reel himself in. "What the hell were you thinkin’? Switching out Jesse from your crew? Ain’t this your first patrol?"

Your mouth parted slightly, caught off guard. "I didn’t—" you hesitated. "I didn’t think it was a big deal. Jesse misses Dina, they wanted to spend more time—"

"Jesus, girl," Joel muttered, shaking his head. "That shit don’t matter! He was supposed to watch you because this is your first time out here. You needed someone in charge. Someone who knows the way."

You scrunched your nose, a flicker of irritation sparking across your face. "We were doin’ just fine."

Joel let out a dry, humorless scoff. "Yeah, looks fine to me."

And then—he stopped himself.

The words sat between you both, heavy, cutting.

This wasn’t how this should go.

He didn’t want this to go like this. Didn’t want the first real conversation between you to be this snappy, this barbed. You’d just made him so goddamn angry with your irresponsibility, had scared him too damn bad, and now he was running his mouth like some short-tempered asshole.

He needed to breathe. He needed to calm down.

Joel took a slow breath, scratching his beard before crouching back down in front of you. His fingers were still twitching, his body still wired too tight, but he forced himself to focus.

"Let me see again," he muttered, voice still gruff, but quieter now.

Your eyes flickered over his face, searching, but you didn’t argue. You shifted slightly, biting down a wince as you let him push the fabric of your pants up further to assess the break.

Joel’s jaw ticked. It was swelling badly already, bruising and tender to the touch, but at least it was something that could be fixed. That he could fix.

"Don’t look too bad," he murmured, rolling his shoulders to shake off some of the tension.

"Really?" you huffed, shaking your head. "Cause it sure hurts."

Joel reached for his pack, pulling out what little medical supplies he had before scanning the cabin. "Just need to make a splint," he muttered.

His hands moved carefully, barely grazing you, barely touching you any more than he needed to. He worked in silence at first, securing the wood, wrapping the bandage around your leg in tight, practiced motions. You kept still, your breath catching here and there when he adjusted the angle, but otherwise, you didn’t complain.

And maybe that should have been his first sign.

Joel wasn’t sure when he noticed it—the way you were watching him, the way your fingers curled just slightly into the fabric of your pants, like you were bracing yourself for something more than just the pain in your leg.

He should have ignored it. Should have finished his work and moved on. 

But something about the way you stayed quiet, your lips pressed together like you were holding something back, made him pause.

"You’re quiet," he murmured, tying the last knot in place.

You blinked. "What?"

Joel smirked, just slightly. "Was expectin’ more complainin’. But you’re sittin’ awful still."

You swallowed, your eyes flicking away for just a second before you forced a small, breathless laugh. "Just tryin’ to be a good patient, I guess."

He could tell that wasn’t the whole truth. And for some reason, he couldn’t stop himself from pushing.

"That so?" His fingers lingered a little longer than necessary, grazing against the bandage before he pulled back. "You ain’t the nervous type, are ya?"

You let out a soft scoff, but your voice was quieter now. "No."

But you hesitated, and Joel noticed. He wasn’t supposed to like that. Wasn’t supposed to let it sit in his chest the way it did. But you did things to him, even from the very moment you’d arrived. You’d gotten under his skin in ways he hadn’t been prepared for, and even now, as he knelt beside you, his fingers still lingering over the bandage, he wondered—

He thought he’d been the one avoiding you at all costs. He thought he’d been keeping clear of the girl who was too bright and bushy-tailed, someone who was so different from him, so good. He thought he’d done a damn good job of steering clear, of making sure he was just another face in Jackson to you.

But now, looking at you—your cheeks tinged pink, your breath just a little uneven, your hands clenching and unclenching like you didn’t know what to do with them—his mind pulled back to the little things. The way you would duck out of his way every time too. The way, if he ever caught your eye across a room, your cheeks would flush, your fingers would twitch, and you’d excuse yourself just as quickly as he had. 

And when you had come to his house to find Ellie… You had been flustered then, just as uncertain as him, though he had been too wrapped up in his own damn head to see it. He’d been too focused on why the hell you were standing there in his doorway, too busy trying to tamp down the immediate, sharp pull in his chest that had threatened to unravel him the second he saw you in the morning light. He had been so sure he was the only one feeling it, so convinced he was the only one being rattled by your presence. 

But he remembered the way you had blushed under his stare, shifting on your feet, your voice softer than usual, your breath catching just slightly when he didn’t say anything right away.

Jesus. Had you felt it too? 

Had you been trying to stay away from him just as much as he had been trying to stay away from you?

Had it been there this whole time?

And if it had…

Then Joel didn’t stand a goddamn chance.

Something slow and warm uncurled in his chest, something dangerous that he swore he’d lost for forever. His fingers brushed against your knee as he adjusted the wrap, just the lightest graze, but it was enough to make you shift, to make you pull in a breath.

His throat very dry suddenly as he spoke, "Somethin’ wrong?" His voice was low, quiet.

You blinked, shaking your head too quickly. "No."

But you hesitated. Joel smirked. "No?"

You exhaled sharply, dropping your gaze. "Joel—"

His name in your mouth did something to him. Something deep and warm and dangerous.

"Hm?" he hummed in question, his voice quieter now, rougher at the edges.

You hesitated, shifting slightly under his touch again, your fingers tightening against the fabric of your pants before you finally looked up at him again. There was something in your eyes—uncertainty, hesitation, something else—and for a second, he almost thought you wouldn’t say it.

Then, softly, you whispered, "Why’d you come all the way out here?"

His chest went tight, his breath uneven. There were a hundred ways he could answer, a hundred ways he could try to explain what had driven him out here, why he had stormed out of Jackson without a second thought, why he had spent every damn second of the day thinking about whether you were still alive.

His fingers found yours, brushing over your knuckles before he took them, his touch hesitant at first, like he wasn’t sure if he had any business holding you like this. His grip was steady, warm, his thumb grazing over your skin in slow, careful circles—maybe to soothe you, maybe to soothe himself.

Joel exhaled sharply through his nose, forcing himself to just say it.

"I had to," he murmured.

And then, before he could stop himself, before he could think about how much of a fool he was making of himself if you pulled away, how out of his depth he was, he kissed your hand.

Your fingers were so soft, so small in his wide grip, his calloused palm swallowing yours as his lips pressed into your knuckles. His eyes stayed on you all the while, drinking in every shift, every reaction—how your pupils blew wide, how the flush crept hot across your cheeks, how your tongue darted out to wet your lips like you didn’t even realize you were doing it.

Joel didn’t move, didn’t let go, didn’t do a damn thing but hold you there, feel you there, his lips pressed against you like he had any right to be touching you like this.

Slowly and carefully, as if you didn’t want to startle him, you lifted your free hand. Your fingers brushed tentatively along his jaw, skimming through the rough patch of stubble on his cheek, tracing over the lines life had carved into him. You were watching him now, your eyes flickering down, settling on his lips.

Joel only released your knuckles from his lips when he felt your hand pulling him closer to you, and he let you. 

For once, after so many years of feeling like he needed to always be thinking of the next move, to be in control at every turn, his mind went quiet.

It was never quiet.

Not since the world had ended. Not since he’d lost everything. His thoughts had become a constant, grinding machine—always assessing, always calculating, always searching for the next threat, the next weak spot, the next thing that could go wrong. He had learned, too many times over, that the second you let your guard down, you paid for it in blood.

So he never let himself stop.

But now, you were touching him. So soft, so gentle, so careful. Your fingers running over his jaw like he was something worth handling carefully. Like you weren’t afraid of him.

And for the first time in years, that instinct—the one that told him to always be ready, to be hard, detached, sharp—just… stopped.

His mind went quiet.

And then your mouth found his.

The kiss was tentative at first, cautious, like neither of you wanted to be the one to break it, to admit this was happening. But then your fingers curled into the nape of his neck, your breath warm against his, and Joel—god help him—tipped his head and deepened it.

His hand found your jaw, his thumb brushing against your cheek, holding you there, steadying you like he needed to, like he had to.

And for the first time in a long, long time,

Joel let himself have something good.

[watermelonlovershigh]

Day on the Yacht Turns Baby Making on the Yacht

AN: i've had this idea ever since these photos came out and knew i had to write it. and lots of you guys did too because you ate up this concept. so here yall go. hope you enjoy.

This story contains: mentions of sea sickness, trying for a baby, having sex on a yacht, slight choking (kinda), slight biting (during the sex)

{ husband!harry - softrry - current harry era }

word count: 1,962

When you're fertility tracker goes off on the yacht to let you know that now is a good time to try for a baby, you make the excuse you feel seasick and have Harry come to the bathroom with you where he fucks you good against the counter top.

You and Harry decided one way to celebrate Love On Tour ending was to rent a yacht for the day and take it on the water with a couple of his friends and family. The day you chose to sail on the waters was beautiful. The sky was nice and blue and the Italian heat was hot but not too hot. The sight of your gorgeous husband was also making the view ten times better, but that's just your opinion.

Everyone on the yacht was having a great time. Some were laying out to tan. Others were sitting around with wine coolers, chatting to one another. Harry, being the man who brought everyone together today, was going around and trying to spread his attention.

First having a laugh with his long time Italian friends who are actually a gay married couple which you both attended their wedding three years ago. Then sitting beside his sister Gemma and her long time boyfriend, Michal. Of course Harry pays attention to you as well, asking if you're alright and bringing you another drink when you mention being parched.

About two hours into your yacht ride your phone buzzes in your hands. You didn't really have cell service in the ocean so you thought that was weird. But when you checked to see who texted you, you realized it wasn't a text. It was a notification from your fertility tracking app that tells you when you're most fertile and need to try for a baby.

See, for a few months now you and Harry have been trying to get pregnant. You knew his tour was ending in July and thought it would be the perfect time for you to settle down for a while and have a baby.

At first you just had sex willy nilly to get pregnant, but after several negative pregnancy tests, decided to download an app to help tell you when you're most fertile. Though not every time you have sex is with the sole mission of a baby. Sometimes you just have sex for simply the intimacy aspect.

Fuck, you internally curse. How the hell are you gonna fuck your husband while you're on a yacht surrounded by his friends and family. Thinking for a minute you come up with a plan. You can fake being seasick so he has an excuse to go down to the bathrooms with you and do some quick baby making without anyone batting an eye.

Knowing it's now or never, you fake grown and cry out, "Harry..."

He looks over at you from where he's sitting beside his sister and asks, "Yeah, love? What's the matter?"

Not exactly wanting the whole boat to know you're seasick, you wave him over to you. Harry gets up imidiantly and stalks over towards where you're sat on the side edge of the yacht. When he's close enough, you whine, "Just feeling a bit seasick. Can you take me to the toilets on the bottom level, please?"

"Yeah, of course, baby." Harry is quick to agree. The genuine worry on his face makes you feel bad for lying. But you know you won't feel bad in a few minutes when his cock is deep inside of you.

He takes ahold of your hand and very quickly steps over to Gemma to inform someone, "Hey, Y/N is feelin' a bit ill. M'gonna take her to the toilets. Hopefully we won't be gone long."

Gemma frowns and replies sweetly, "Awe, that's fine. Hope you feel better soon, Y/N." You mouth a "thank you" and tug Harry's arm in the direction of the stairs that lead to the bottom floor of the yacht.

While on your journey to the bathroom, Harry kindly asks, "When did you start to feel sick? You could have told me sooner and I would have seen if I could've borrowed a motion sickness pill off someone for you." How did you get so lucky to have married such a pure and sweet man.

Before you answer, you barge in the one toilet bathroom and Harry is fully ready to hold your hair back while you vomit. But instead, is taken back when you turn around and kiss his lips hard with need. "Baby....... what, thought you were gonna be sick?" he mutters confusedly against your mouth.

You pull away, breathing heavy and respond, "I lied. I needed an excuse to have you come down here with me and fuck me. Got the notification on my fertility app saying my fertile window is open and now is the best time to try and conceive. I need you to fuck me and come inside me. Right now."

Harry tosses his head back and says, "Fuck!" rather loudly. Though he is a bit uneasy about potentially getting caught having sex on this yacht, he could never pass up the opportunity to fuck his sexy wife and give her a baby. "Well, okay then. Do you need, like, warming up first or..." He's fully ready to eat you out or finger you for a minute to get you fully aroused if you needed that.

Harry's too kind sometimes. Always thinking of your wellbeing and needs. You laugh and grab his hand to lower it to the front of your swimsuit. "No, babe. Seeing you in these tight, green swim trunks has had me wet for hours, see." His fingers come in contact with your clothed wet pussy and that has him hardening right up.

"Alright, turn around and lean over the sink f'me." Harry instructs and you do as told. This yacht's bathroom is rather small but you'll make it work. You've had sex in much smaller spaces before but those are stories for another time. Harry drops to his knees and as he goes to slide your bikini bottoms down your legs, he kisses over your ass cheeks and the back of your thighs.

"Harry, we don't have time for that, just put a baby in me. Hurry." you grumble. You're far too impatient for him to tease you right now. You just need him to fuck you.

As he stands back up and drops his green swim trunks to his ankles, Harry retorts, "Alright, stop being bratty. I'll give you what you want. Know I always do, m'love." He takes ahold of his now very hard cock and gives it a few strokes to make sure its fully erect for you. When it is, he helps spread your legs how he thinks would work best for this position and leans over your back, carefully nudging his dick in your soaked hole with the guidance of his right hand.

"Ohh, Harry!" you can't help but moan while he's pushing all the way in and that causes him to slap his left hand over your mouth to silence you.

"Love," he says from behind you're body, "gotta stay quiet. Can't risk anyone hearing us." You nod your head in understanding and bite your lip to silence yourself when you feel him bottom out. Then without warning, Harry pulls his hips back, leaving just the tip inside your cunt, before slamming forward.

The hand Harry had over your mouth has moved down to your neck. Not with the intentions to necessarily choke you, though he is applying slight pressure, but more so to help you stay upright and look at yourself in the mirror. The scene of Harry fucking you from behind has got you even more turned on than before. The way his tan skin is glistening with sweat. The way his curly hair has fallen over his forehead. The way Harry is looking right into your eyes from over your shoulders in the mirror. It's all so intense.

After a couple of minutes, Harry can feel the knot in his stomach tighten and he knows he's about to come. Your tight pussy just feels so good hugging his cock. Wanting to see if you were up there with him, he questions in heavy pants, "Are you close? M'bout to come. Just feels so - fuckin' - good, Y/N!"

You nod and squeak out, "Yeah, I'm close too, H." Knowing you may need a little bit of extra help, he takes his right hand that he had stationed on your hip for stability and reaches in front of you until he finds your clit. When he does, he begins rubbing the nerve in tight circles and that's exactly what pushes you over the edge. That and his cock rubbing against your g-spot from this angle. You nearly fall forward because as you come your legs give out and if Harry wasn't pressed up behind you, you're sure you would have collapsed onto the boats floor.

"Ah, God!!!" you gasp while waves of pleasure roll through your body. Your orgasm triggers Harry's and he shoots his load as deep as he can inside of you. His hips falter their movements and he has to bite down on your shoulder to quiet himself from the moans he's dying to let out.

Slowly, everything comes to a stop and you're both left sweaty and panting for air in this small yacht bathroom. Harry carefully removes his hand from your throat and you slowly start to lean forward over the counter top again. The movement causes you to accidently pulse around his softening cock and he curses in slight pain. "Fuckin' hell."

"Sorry, sorry." you repeat out of breath and Harry shushes you by gently responding, "It's alright. Gonna pull out now and then I'll help you up on the counter so my cum doesn't drip on the floor." You nod and Harry carefully pulls his dick out your pussy and turns you around to lift you up on the small countertop beside the sink.

Now face to face, Harry can't help but to lean forward and plant a kiss to your lips. The kiss stays soft and airy. But knowing people above is bound to become concerned with how long you've been down here, you whisper, "Love you. Thank you for coming down here with me and I hope we made a little baby. Can't wait for our family to grow."

Harry nearly cries and gets hard again at the same time with all this baby talk. "Y/N, no need to thank me. Love you so much and would do anything to give us a baby. Even if that means break away from my friends and family to fuck my wife in a yacht's bathroom in the Italian ocean."

---------------------------

Harry helped you get cleaned up and properly dressed again as well as redress himself. Then you both walk hand in hand back up to the top deck again where everyone looks at you with concern. Gemma's the first to come up to you and asks, "Feeling better, love? You can have a sickness pill if you need one? I always bring extra."

Feeling bad for everyone's genuine concern on your sea sickness but also happy you weren't actually sea sick, you decline, "Oh, no thank you. I'm feeling much better now. Your brother is a great doctor."

Everyone continues to have a great time. Laughing and enjoying the summer sun. Until Brad, Harry's friend and personal trainer comes up behind you and gasps, "Y/N, why is there a bite mark on your shoulder? Are you alright?" Your eyes go wide and Harry who heard the entire interaction goes pale in front of you. To the point he looks as though he may actually get sea sick.

"Um, um.." you stutter. Well fuck, how do you explain they're your husbands teeth marks from where he bit your shoulder to conceal his moans while coming inside of you to give you a baby.

(PLEASE REBLOG BECAUSE WRITING IS NOT EASY AND IT'S FREE SO JUST DO IT)

(no more tags are allowed because i've hit my number limit. sorry : ( )

tag list: @one-sweet-gubler // @harryscherrysugar // @hsfanficsrecss // @lollypopsx // @harrycanyonmoonn // @itfeelslikemytherapisthatesme // @damnasstyles  // @mrsstylesharry // @softmullet  // @meetmyblondemuffins  // @thegirlnextdoorssister // @stanleystyles  // @haarrrys // @michellekstyles  // @skyangel57   // @the-gardener-31 // @lhharrylilpumpkin // @yousunshine-youtemptress // @clairestylessss  // @kissmyaxe14  // @goldenmelonsugar-hi // @kaitieskidmore97 // @florencepughily  // @alienorknight //@dancearoundthelivingroom  // @swiftmendeshoran

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______________

My Masterlist Masterpost

[haesunflower]

petty fights with zb1

genre: slight angst only for hyung line, most are lighthearted

pairing: reader (gn) x all members of zerobaseone

about/tags: what i think reader x zb1 would fight about

warning some have triggers (implied cheating, jealousy and injury), these are mostly lighthearted, not all are established relationship, bullet point reactions, all lowercase is intentional, not proofread, i should have just made this normal and not bullet, I'm lazy

⠀⠀ kim jiwoong ⠀⠀

you always thought you were secure in your relationship

a lot of people swooned over jiwoong but he's been good at reassuring you that you're the only person for him

but lately, he's been busy filming another drama with seobin

and they spend all their free time together, doing lives and filming vlogs for seobin's channel

while some of it is for pr, you know they're really good friends either way

he's a hell of a good actor, you think

because watching his chemistry with seobin, you start to think he's cheating on you

you hope he isn't, but when he comes home one day looking extremely exhausted and as if he just cried – you prayed that you would be wrong

jiwoong kneels in front of you, and has trouble looking you in the eyes

he keeps stuttering, and then just cries

⠀⠀ zhang hao ⠀⠀

when you first started dating, one of the things you worried about was how well hao would get along with your group of friends

they were kinda, well, loud and too much

and you know hao is quite introverted – it's one of the things you love about him. he's calm. you're crazy. that kinda thing.

when you're all together he's usually mostly silent but he engages in conversation. you had assumed that when you all mingle and have your own conversations he holds up on his own.

to your surpise, your best friend let you know that he hasn't made an effort to get to know her even after all these months

that made you mad

the air in the car ride home felt weird. you were at a stoplight when you accusingly said

"do you hate my friends?"

hao just looks at you, and begins to open his mouth but is distracted by the sudden green light

without giving him a chance to think, "hao i've made an effort to be good friends with your members"

hao thinks you're being unfair, because even his partner doesn't understand what it's like to be an introvert

but to some degree you're right, he doesn't try hard enough

unsure of what to say, he nods and continues to drive

you loudly sigh and direct your body towards your window. you know this will have to be a conversation for tomorrow.

⠀⠀ sung hanbin ⠀⠀

hanbin was taking longer than usual again today

you always meet up at the exit of building b of the university when you're both done with your classes, so you could go on a quick cafe date before the sun sets

it's been 30 minutes since he texted "on my way!"

fed up, you head over to his classroom to find him lending his notes to a girl. usually this isn't a problem, but it's who he's lending it to that irks you.

"baby, can we go?"

"oh hi y/n, yeah hold on somi's just finishing up with my notes"

thing is, somi likes your boyfriend, and your boyfriend doesn't see that.

you head over to their table and pick up hanbin's notebook, somi looks shocked she was disrupted

"i'll send you photos of the other pages when we get home"

you shove his notebook in your book bag and start walking away, not giving her an opportunity to respond

when hanbin catches up to your pace he reaches for your hand only for you to swat it away

"stop being so nice to everyone hanbin, they get the wrong idea"

hanbin wanted to defend himself, but he deprioritized that train of thought as he realized you are 100% the jealous type

⠀⠀ seok matthew ⠀⠀

matthew's main descriptor is that he's cute, because he is

but you didn't know that being called cute bothered your boyfriend

"am i not handsome to you?"

"babe, where is this coming from?"

he flashes his phone screen, your recent photoset post from your finsta on display. it featured various pictures of both of you from your dates the week before

the caption he pointed to: "i have the cutest boyfriend in the whole world"

so you deadass thought he was joking

but he really wasn't, he looked real serious -_-

you set the phone down and hugged him, placing your head on his chest

"of course i also think you're the hottest man on the planet"

"much better", matthew finally smiles and you both laugh as he tickles you in revenge

later that night, you posted a few of his gym thirst traps with the caption "my boyfriend is so handsome he should choke me"

his older sister commented: gross. block me next time.

⠀⠀ kim taerae ⠀⠀

so the "fight" started when he texted you that morning with

"y/n look at this, the fans are saying i dress terribly"

"....well"

"well?! well what??"

you ended up not replying because you didn't know how to word it

you loved taerae but those red sweats needed to go

so when you got another text that said "are you really not going to respond to me"

you hit him with a "let's just go shopping today"

even though you hated couple items, it was the only way for taerae to buy the items you wanted for him

he secretly bought a pair of red sweats for you

in the end, he beats the fashion taeraerist allegations (thanks to you)

⠀⠀ ricky ⠀⠀

ever since you started dating, you couldn't recall a time when you were able to pay for your dates

he beats you to it every time...and you feel terrible about it.

ricky extensively spoiled you, and all you wanted was to be given an opportunity to do the same for him

one day you asked him if you could pay for lunch this time around

"no. never. don't worry about stuff like that"

"let me do it just once, please?"

you didn't get your way, and you both walked out of the restaurant slightly annoyed

in fact, you refused to go on any date with him from that point unless you could pay for it

he deadass couldn't get you to come with him on any plan he made for a whole month.

eventually, he showed up at your place and said "fine. for every ten dates you can pay for one"

he wasn't happy with it but at least you were

⠀⠀ kim gyuvin ⠀⠀

gyuvin was the clumsiest person you know

so when he knocked over the vase and cut his hand in an attempt to clean it up, you couldn't help but scream at him in worry for his safety

"gyuvin what are you doing? you shouldn't have touched that!"

you quickly found the first aid kit that his mom kept underneath the bathroom sink

gyuvin had his head down as he applied pressure to the cut

he watched as you worked your way through the supplies

as you gently tended to his wound he tried not to make any sound

"sorry i yelled earlier. i just wish you were more careful. i don't like it when you get hurt"

he looked up to meet your eyes, you were tearing up

it was sorta clouding your vision, so you had to stop what you were doing

"i know y/n, i'm sorry. i'm working on it"

he leaned his head against yours

⠀⠀ park gunwook ⠀⠀

you're both in debate. and you strongly dislike going up against him because 98% of the time you lose.

he likes to win and then gloat about it later

"how's it like to lose for the 3rd time in a row?" (jokingly, you think)

(because you have an inclination that he might have a massive crush on you) (you are correct)

academic rivals to lovers, if you will

when you finally started dating he stopped gloating at least

that doesn't mean he goes easy on you, he tries to give his one hundred percent because so do you

sometimes mid debate he'd catch himself staring at you and get a little distracted

your losing rate has since decreased to about 70% now (thank you puppy gunwook!)

⠀⠀ han yujin ⠀⠀

yujin had issues with sharing way before you started liking each other

maybe it's because he has younger siblings and basically had to share everything with them all his life

so when he shows up to school with a fully packed lunch and extra snacks, and you dare to come up to ask for the pack of pretzels he had, he was hesitant

you did this every monday without fail and he started to get fed up with it

"get your own food will you?"

"i would but it tastes better when it comes from you" you say as you plop down next to him at the courtyard

boy was gobsmacked. from that moment on he was kinda smitten.

i don't know how either that's just how his brain works

from then on, he only shared his snacks with you

except for that one time yena from the upper year said "oh that looks good, can i have some yujinie?" and he gave the whole bag to her.

yeah you guessed it, your pretzel bag.

you were furious

he didn't understand why until you made a snide remark at the end of the day - something along the lines of "yeah you're only nice to older girls"

he bought the giant xl version of the pretzels to school the next day as a sorry

A/N: my friend alexis helped me out with the ideas per member. personally tried to be angsty but most ended up being lighthearted lol. requests are open and you can claim anons too if you'd like hehe

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

[kpopsexstories]

hey, I am a big fan of NCT Dream dating ban series and I can't wait for 127 version. I think you mentioned that you don't have any ideas for stories about nct 127 which worried me:). Can you give us some update about 127 dating ban series. How is the work going? When can we expect this series?

Hey 😁👋

Certainly, happy to provide an update! And let's get straight to the good news you're hoping for: I have now set preliminary dates for the first three stories (thanks to your question)! 🥳

For those who don't know, the NCT Dream Dating Ban was a gay x male reader smut series. The NCT 127 Dating Ban series is a follow-up to that, one I have been teasing for a while.

Now let me give you a more detailed update...

What the hell is taking so long? 😅

Well, like you said I initially didn't have enough ideas for this series. But then I did. Only to make it way too complex and confuse myself. Which, when I did a poll recently about which storylines and series to prioritize and the 127 Dating Ban got a lot of the votes, led me to completely scrap everything.

That's right, since I was stuck in a loop of writer's block I decided to simply start over.

And guess what? It did the trick! That's why I can now comfortably give you (preliminary) dates for the first three stories.

Dates? What dates? Just tell us already! 🤩

Okay, okay 😏 The first thee stories will be:

Haechan, March 13, 2025

Jungwoo, March 20, 2025

Doyoung, March 27, 2025

You can now see their cover images on the Up-coming Stories page on Story Finder (my external website for all k-pop smut on this blog) and further down this post.

Oh come one, that's soooo long from now!

Not really 🤣 February is almost over. But even though I have written the first draft of all three of the above they still need some editing.

Writing a single story – any story – takes a lot of time, because I care about details and want to give you good stuff 😊

And the rest of the members...?

Well, this is another reason why I initially got stuck. When I did the NCT Dream Dating Ban I wrote and published stories continuously. In fact it was never planned as a series which I think is evident if you were to re-read the stories in order today. It just became one organically, because you kept requesting more.

And once I did realize it was turning into a series and started planting seeds and connecting plots, I was super worried I'd run into a block and end up never finishing it – disappointing you all 😕

Luckily that never happened, but with the 127 Dating Ban I wanted to be sure. So I planned on writing all stories before publishing anything.

But your question made me think. And I realized the reason I enjoyed writing the original dating ban so much was because you guys gave me encouragement and ideas between stories.

I wrote when I felt like it. Sometimes you had to wait weeks between stories because I was uninspired. But ultimately everything was better for it, because it helped me finish the series at all.

So, long story short and the honest answer: I have not written the remaining stories and I don't know when I will.

Does that mean the series might never finish?

Probably not. Hopefully not! I mean there's always a risk 😅 But I can tell you this:

I now have rough ideas for all remaining members.

I know you'll send requests and encouragement between stories, which I've learned by now always motivates me a lot.

Since this series is in demand, I am making it a priority – even if that's a long-term priority and there might be weeks or even months of waiting between some stories.

Some more good news if you like the Dating Ban Series... 😏

Take a look at the Up-coming Stories page again. Scroll down to the Planned Stories section.

Notice the "Big Brother, Little Brother" stories (there's six of them), featuring members of BTS and TXT? If you like the Dating Ban I'm pretty sure you'll like those, at least if you're a BTS and/or TXT fan.

These stories are very short and will be released as part of the Quick Fix Gay series. They aren't a series in themselves or anything, but they share a similar setup and style to each other – most importantly the fact that they're gay crossover stories featuring an older and younger member from two different groups.

(Obviously, the Big Brother, Little Brother title comes from the fact that TXT is the little brother group of BTS.)

I haven't scheduled these stories yet, but they have been written in full. I have other Quick Fix Gay stories to publish first. But the fact that the Big Brother, Little Brother stories have already been written means you will get them, probably sometime this spring. I just have other content to share too, and am holding on to these for later.

Sorry to tease another thing you're likely to wait a long time for 😉 But the Dating Ban made me think of them, as they will appeal to the same audience.

Anyway, thanks for appreciating the Dating Ban series, and for reading this far. While you wait for March 13, check out the NCT Dream Dating Ban series if you haven't already.

(External link, but click on the Tumblr link under each story thumbnail on that website to open the story on Tumblr.)

Now let's end this post with a poll:

[tellnotalespod]

TNT S1 E1 - Not For Long came out on 2nd May 2022, which means Tell No Tales turns two today!

(and if we're being honest, TNT being in the terrible twos explains a lot about how emotionally fraught it's been recently)

Going ahead with this show is the best decision I've ever made, and it changed my life for the better. I'm so incredibly grateful for this community for welcoming me in 💜

I got a little nostalgic and found an old voice note (from almost three years ago!) that's posted under the cut. I sent this to Michaela (one of our ghostie VAs) almost immediately after having the idea for the show. It's edited a lil to keep it down to a reasonable length, because much like Leo Quinn, I sure can Yap.

[Image ID: A whatsapp voice note sent by me, followed by another message by me that reads "oh I think I've decided the name of the main character is going to be Leo, bc hell if I'm going to do this completely self-serving project for no other reason than the enjoyment of creating it then I'm damn well gonna use the name I'd use if I ever decide to change to a more masc sounding name." The following messages sent by Michaela on 4 July 2021 are sent in quick succession, "omggggggggg yesssss" "I want to listen to thisss" "I am 100% happy to help" "I love this idea" "so much" "pls do it" /.End ID]

Note: audio quality changes around a lot because I was, I think, dyeing my hair at the time

Voice note transcript:

 I have a… an idea. And it might be really stupid and it will probably never come to anything. However, I'm really excited about it. So... hear me out (LAUGHS). My idea is, uh, I want to write a podcast about an ex-employee of a ghost hunting company, and the- the basis of the podcast is... I literally just had this like half baked thought like five minutes ago, so bear with me while I talk this through. This character works for a quite renowned institute, company, whatever, organization that hunts ghosts. Uh, they destroy the ghosts whenever they're called to it, but the main character is starting to get suspicious of the fact that some of the ghosts that they're called to don't necessarily seem violent, and some of them are completely harmless and they just want to exist and so they have been working on a recording system that can capture the voices of ghosts. And they start off as an assistant to like the head of this company, but they're already starting to feel complicit in what they're becoming kind of more and more aware is potentially a very evil operation. And it's gonna alternate between like their their notes and the recordings of interviews with ghosts that they are sent to hunt, but don't. They sit down and they get their life story instead and then either leave them be or try to help them move on peacefully or whatever. And there's gonna be a bit of a, like a, an overarching plot in that the organization that they work for is corrupt, but not in the way that they think. And I'm thinking the main character is trying to, like, capture enough evidence, basically, before they can quit this organization- t hat's, that's, that's their intention, is they want to make sure that this recording system is completely functional. They want to capture enough evidence of completely harmless ghosts. They want to have like a huge backlog of stuff to use against the head of this company, and to do that, to have access to ghosts and all of that kind of stuff, they have to continue working for it, which they hate, but that's the only way that they see themselves being able to achieve good in the long run. So, the first season is going to be them, like, trying to work on this project in secret while you get glimpses of the boss doing some, like, shady shit. And like... who's to say that I need to finish my novel this month anyway? You know?? But fuck it, this is... I'm really excited about this, so I'm gonna give it a shot.

[thatblackravenclaw]

Look In My Bottom Drawer

(images above are from Pinterest)

Blog Details | Let's take a trip

Eddie Munson x a Black!fem!reader

a/n: holy shit, it's been almost 3 months since i've posted. how's everyone doing? sorry for the disappearance. i had some issues with my university that left me unmotivated. i got everything fixed but now i'm on my period with a sprained knee, so enjoy an old draft.

warning(s): cussing, sort of proofread, fluff, self-indulgent, format is weird because i turned this in as an assignment back in April

word count: 3.4k

.

.

.

Does he even like black girls? I mean he isn’t racist, nor does he seem to have a preference. I don’t know, it’s just that sometimes it feels like I shouldn’t even try. People would probably look at us weird considering we’re in Hawkins fucking Indiana and it’s 1985. If I keep staring in the mirror with existential dread I’m gonna be late for school. Not if I speed… Let me get up.

I look in the mirror one last time. I take the last perm rod out and fluff my hair a little. I already know the humidity is going to fuck up my hair, but nothing I can really do about it, but put a scrunchie on. I’m gonna get judged for my outfit, but so be it. I’m always judged for my outfits because it isn’t como se dice what’s in right now. I mean tennis skirts have been in since the 20s, but this top I actually made myself. It’s a lilac long sleeve (Yes, I know it’s 87 degrees outside. Shut up.), but it doesn’t button or anything. You put it on like a sweater and then there are two ties in the front. One right above my bust and another one right below my bust. It shows enough of my boobs to consider me a whore, but not enough to get me dress coded. I slipped on my Vans that I usually only wear to skateboard, but I’m running out of time, and they were the closest. My socks are a bit thick, but that’s a problem for a later time.

This backpack is heavier today, I swear. I took shit out and it’s still heavy. Whatever I don’t need I’ll just throw in my locker. I step outside and the heat is already blazing. Do I regret my shirt choice? No. Am I hot as hell? Yes. Oh well. I look at my baby. My pride and joy. My 1983 Audi Quattro that I spent for fucking ever saving up for. I get in and put my bag in the passenger seat. I probably should’ve turned the AC on before I got in the car. Better late than never. I bring my wrist closer to my face and sternly stare at my watch. I have ten minutes to get to a school that’s fifteen minutes away. About to Back to the Future this shit.

Okay, so I don’t actually end up going 88, but I do go a good 50 in a 30. Luckily no police are around. I still can’t believe the DMV let me get my license. I think I ran probably like three curbs. I take another quick look at my watch and see I have four minutes left. Good thing the school is finally in view. You would think I’d managed my time better since I’m a senior, but old habits die hard I guess. I’m about to pull in when Eddie’s van zips in front of me and gets in first. Fucking asshole. I pull in right after him and hurry and park. It’s not the best parking job but fuck it. I take my keys out and hurriedly grab my bag. As I’m locking the door I hear Eddie get out too. Any other time I’d sneak a glance at him, but I have two minutes to get to class and I don’t feel like hearing any of Mrs. Brown’s shit. I start jogging toward the doors when I hear Eddie’s voice.

“Sorry about that, princess,” He yells to me. Nothing but humor is detected in his tone, so I just flip him off and continue to pick up my pace.

-.-.-.-

Made it to class with one minute to spare. I still got the “You were almost late. I expect more from you” look as I walked to my seat, but that I could deal with. Whoever gave me Trig at the beginning of the day must have it out for me. How am I supposed to focus on quadratic formulas at the ass crack of dawn? This blows. It doesn’t help that Mrs. Brown’s voice drones on and on. I decided to just doodle in the back of my notebook And by doodle I mean to write “Mrs. Eddie Maguire” in different fonts. Corny, I know, but doesn’t hurt to dream, right? I mean, he doesn’t really seem like the marriage type, to be honest. I’m buggin’. I wish I didn’t think about him all the time. Let’s start, now.

College. What are we doing? I applied to Lincoln. The one in Missouri though because the one in Pennsylvania was just a bit too far. I could’ve chosen an HBCU that was closer to home like Central State in Ohio or Simmons College in Kentucky, but neither appealed to me. Lincoln is a small school and everyone that I’ve talked to in administration was nice. It’s also pretty affordable considering I’m an out-of-state student. God, I hope I get accepted.

I continue switching topics until the bell rings. I’m usually the first one out, but since I came in late I’m in the very back and therefore the last to leave. I made sure to put my headphones on, so I could escape anybody that tries to talk to me. I also got Tears for Fears’ new album on cassette so I figured I could just listen to it all day since I don’t pay attention in my classes much anyway. I do however pay attention enough to remember that I have every class with Eddie after 1st period. There goes my streak of not thinking about him. Not like he shows up anyway.

-.-.-.-

I should’ve knocked on wood. Why the fuck did he show up? I’m sitting in the left corner in the back when I see him stroll through the door. I tuck my head into my elbow and face toward the wall.

“Hey princess.” You’ve gotta be kidding me. “I really am sorry for cutting you off earlier.”

I roll my eyes before sitting up and looking at him. Maybe he was being sincere. I look into his eyes until I’m satisfied with my decision.

“Sorry for flipping you off. I was just running late and was really irritated. I woke up late and then my curls weren’t coming out how I wanted them to, so I took most of that anger out on you.” He nods his head in understanding before turning to the front. I take out my notebook and continue my drawing of Marvin the Martian. I’m testing out what designs I want to put on my board. I kind of just have a hodge-podge of shit on it so it looks messy. Probably just gonna clear the whole thing and start over.

“We match.” A whisper says from beside me.

“What?”

“Our hair. It matches.” He says a little louder. I take a look at his hair and sure enough, it’s pretty similar. I give him a quick smile before going back to my doodling. I turn the page and facing me is the name “Maguire” in Metallica font. I try to turn the page but hear a whispered “holy shit!” as I’m in a half turn.

“Was that my name?”

“What? No.” I say in a completely obvious tone. I hurriedly turn to the next page and tell me why it’s a page that has “Eddie” in big font across the middle with hearts surrounding it. I just close the notebook and look up front.

-.-.-

He’s staring at me. He’s been staring at me for the past 45 minutes. I slipped my headphones back on about 40 minutes ago, but that didn’t deter him. I wish he would just say what he wants. Right then, a note makes its way in front of me.

“Do you like me? Yes or no.”

It takes everything in me not to chuckle out loud. I respond by writing, “Are we in middle school?” and tossing it back on his desk. At this point, I’m just watching the clock which is like watching a pot of water boil. Just a few more minutes. The paper lands in front of me again. “Depends. Yes, if that means you’ll answer the question.” I roll my eyes at his answer. The bell rings and I get up fast. With the note tossed in some random page of my notebook, I walk out the door and to my locker. I hopefully lost him in the crowd. I’m so thankful that my locker is nowhere near his. My lock decides to be on my side today and the combination works on the first try. For once my locker is actually decent, so I take unnecessary books out of my bag and add them to any empty space. I look through the notebook I had last period and find the note. I take the pencil that was in the spiral part and circle yes. A defeated sigh escapes my lips as I toss the note in the locker too.

“Hey Kendrick.” With the smuggest fucking face. I bring my headphones down to their original place around my neck.

“Yes, stalker?” I respond while walking towards our next class. His arm wraps around my shoulder which makes me smile internally.

“You gonna answer my question?” I stop on the side of the hallway so as not to be in anyone’s way. I look deep into his eyes. I hate the height advantage he has over me. I scrunch my face as if I’m thinking. I know the answer though. It’s been the same answer for years.

“Yes,” I respond with a smirk before continuing my way to class. Luckily it's study hall which doubles as lunch, but there are five shifts and ours is shift four which isn’t for about an hour. I walk in and it completely slipped my mind that the desks are doubles. The seat next to mine is usually empty since I don’t really mess with anyone like that at this school.

Right on cue, as soon as I sit down, Eddie pulls into the chair right next to mine.

“Yes you’ll answer my question or yes you like me?” A smirk pulls at the corner of my lips, and I put my headphones back on. I’m putting up the hugest front right now but in all actuality, my heart is beating so hard that I hear it in my ears and feel like it’s about to burst out of my chest. A sheet of sweat keeps reappearing on my forehead no matter how many times I wipe it off. I’m messing around by not giving him an answer because I don’t know if his question has good intentions.

He pulls my headphones off, and I look at him as if he committed a federal offense.

“I like you if that helps influence your definite decision or not.” I feel my heart stop. I never thought I’d hear him say those words.

“You still deal?” I ask after turning my full attention towards him.

“Depends on who’s asking.” I give him a pointed look and roll my eyes. “Yes, princess, I still deal. You lookin’ in the market?”

“Depends on how much you’re charging nowadays.”

“For you? A date.” I laugh at his pure corniness.

“I don’t think Rick will appreciate not getting his profits.”

“I’ll overcharge some freshmen. So, what do you say?” I smile and nod my head at him.

-.-.-.-.-

After that moment, the day went by pretty fast. Eddie didn’t bother me as much, but I would catch him staring at me a lot more. I basked in the attention but feigned to be oblivious. The only time I got true peace was when we went to lunch and that’s only because when he went to the cafeteria, I went to the library. You’re counted as truant if you’re caught, but the librarian and I are cool since I’m in here every day and treat her like an actual human being.

As I walk out of the classroom, I don’t even get a moment to blink before Eddie has my hand in his and we start walking the halls. I look around and see a few people giving us questioning glances. I stiffen up my hand before slipping out of his grip, becoming paranoid. Hawkins is probably one of the least racist cities, but I can’t help but still feel nervous. We finally make it outside and we move over to the sidewalk.

“My place or yours?” Eddie asks me with a look on his face that I can’t decipher.

“We can go to mine. Parents are gone for the weekend, so we can play house.” I say while trying to lighten the mood.

He agrees and we decide to just take our own vehicles and meet at my house. Not to save face or anything. Just so we can both still have our cars instead of driving all the way back up here to get our shit. It also gives me time to calm myself down before spending more time with him. I don’t even have my seatbelt on before I’m zipping out of the parking lot. No music, no nothing. I just want to get home before Eddie. I’m zipping in and out of traffic and skillfully dodging the cops, so I don’t get another speeding ticket. Can you believe they give speeding tickets in this small town? It’s some bullshit. Feels racially motivated. Let me shut up.

The drive goes by faster than this morning. I don’t even both parking straight as I turn off the car and rush to unlock the door. I toe off my shoes by the door and look around. Everything seems to be in order. I should probably have something cooking, right? I mean, we’re usually fine just ordering pizza. But we have food in the house. But pizza is good. But you already spent your paycheck on hair products…

I walk over to the fridge and see some leftover chicken alfredo that I completely forgot I made. I take it out and place it on the counter. Now, where did I put that casserole dish at? As soon as I find it, I dump the pasta in. Shit, I forgot to preheat the oven. I turn the dial and then hear a knock on the door. I didn’t even get a chance to check my room to see if it was decently clean enough or not. I yell “one sec” before taking off toward the door.

“Hey,” I say before turning back around and walking back to the kitchen. I grab a spoon and make sure that everything is out of the container and into the pan. I open the fridge and look for the shredded mozzarella. I put an even layer on top of the pasta and carefully put it in the oven. I’ve never really done it this way, but I’ve seen it in cookbooks so why not? Okay, timer, timer, where did I put it? I look around the kitchen and see Eddie standing in the doorway, holding the timer.

“Aw, look at my wife making food for me after I’ve had a long day at work.” I roll my eyes and walk over and grab the timer from him. I set it for fifteen minutes. I also set a mental note to sporadically check it, because some part of me tells me that that’s too long for it to be in the oven.

“I’m sorry I didn’t have it ready before you got here. I was just cleaning away and thinking of my dear husband and the time got away from me.” I say matching his energy.

“That’s okay, dear wife. I’ll forgive you just this once because I love you, but next time there will be consequences.” I feel myself freeze at him saying I love you, but I shake it off just as quickly knowing that he most likely doesn’t mean it.

“Thank you, my dear husband. Care to join me in the bedroom?”

“How could I ever say no to that?” His eyebrows wiggle suggestively before he grabs my hand, and we walk upstairs. My heart starts palpitating as we closer to my room.

I take a quick peek and it’s not as dirty as I thought it would be. A few (1/3 of the floor is covered) clothes are on the floor and my bed is unmade. I think it gives the room character. We walk in and he makes himself comfortable on the bed. I guess I spaced out because I look around, too nervous to do anything else, and notice that his lunchbox is right next to it, but I don’t even remember him having it in his hand.

“Do you have a musical preference this afternoon, husband?”

“Whatever you want, wife. I’m not picky or proud.” I snorted, knowing that was a lie. If it’s not rock or metal there’s a fat chance he’ll listen to it. I actually have a custom cassette tape that I made. It’s somewhere in this pile of junk, but it’s not really his type of music. None of my tapes are labeled so I guess we’re gonna play cassette roulette. I tell Eddie to look in my bottom nightstand drawer and get my grinder and tray while I find something to play. I’m not looking long before I hear Eddie talking.

“What?” I ask as I turn to him.

“Robin thinks I should do it, but Chrissy (gag me) told me I should play it safe and get with a college boy-“ I start chasing him around the room before he runs to my bathroom and locks himself in.

“YOU LITTLE SHIT! I TOLD YOU THE BOTTOM DRAWER, NOT THE TOP!” I yell while banging on the door.

“I’m most likely gonna do neither. I’m in love with Eddie..” His voice starts fading from a high-pitched girl voice to his regular tone, “and I don’t think that’ll change even if I’m not his type.” I could almost cry from the embarrassment. The timer rings from the dresser. I don’t even bother waiting for him to come out of the bathroom before hurrying downstairs.

Why doesn’t he listen? I clearly said the bottom drawer. Right? I’m pretty sure. Whatever. I open the oven door and the pasta looks good, but I’m gonna give it about two more minutes. I lean over the kitchen counter and put my head in my folded arms. I have to face him eventually. He’s in my house. Sooner happened rather than later because right after that statement I felt a hand on the middle of my back.

“Why wouldn’t you be my type.” His soft tone is what triggers the tears.

“Because I don’t look like any of the girls we go to school with. You should be with someone like Heather, Nancy, fuck maybe even Crissy. Besides. People would probably look at us funny. Interracial relationships aren’t very common.”

The timer goes off. I open the drawer next to the sink and get my oven mitts. I take this moment to gather my thoughts and breath, so I don’t have a mental breakdown. I open the oven door and thankfully the food looks good. I pick it up with both hands and close the door with my foot. I lay it down on the counter to cool down and I sit the oven mitts next to it.

“Look at me.” He says. I’m hesitant but eventually, turn to him. “My type is a girl that spends more time maintaining her hair than actual sleeping. My type is a girl that designs her own clothes because she doesn’t like the stuff at the mall. My type is a girl that skips lunch every day because she has social anxiety. My type of girl is you.” I look into his eyes and see the exact look I’ve been giving him since I met him.

“Now, I don’t know what I did to give off the impression that I was sitting here comparing you to other girls, but I have you right now and that’s all I need to care about.” Heat rushes to my face at the confession. I turn around and open the top cabinet and reach for a couple of bowls. His arms wrap around my middle, startling me a bit but doesn’t deter me from reaching for a serving spoon.

“By the way, I meant what I said earlier. I do love you. Even if you were late with dinner.” I laugh at his quip as I spoon the pasta into one of the bowls.

.

.

.

Eddie Masterlist | Hawkins

[notthewriteryourelookingfor]

I am at my fucking limit so buckle up:

Because I have adhd and anxiety and depression, I need to take melatonin to get to sleep at a reasonable time otherwise I'll be lying in bed for literal hours until I can fall asleep, doubly so if I take my adhd meds that day.

So I live in Australia and if you live in Australia you can't buy melatonin over the counter if you're under 55 (idk why I'm too tired to look up why) and I'm 29 so fuck me I'd need to get a prescription and then a months supply is like $30.

So I've been ordering melatonin from this place in the US which is about 5 months supply for about the same price maybe a lil extra for shipping like $50 for 150 tablets.

So when I realised I was getting low on them I went to the sight and ordered again.

Easy-peasy right?

Well it turned out that I had enough to get me to the last day of their delivery window (about the 27th of Feb) and I was like " ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ they're usually pretty quick with delivery so I should be ok" but then the 27th rolled around and no delivery.

So I checked the tracking and it hadn't been scanned since the 17th. It was in my country, in my state, but hadn't moved in 10 days.

So I looked and the company was using a new 3rd party delivery company and they Sucked. It was a continuous problem that they just didn't deliver packages, lost them, took months and months and months to deliver something to next door the facility.

So I got in contact with the American company and they're gonna send me a refund (more on that in a sec) and til then i was like "dear God ill have to order from Amazon 🤮) so I did.

Shipping cost more than the product but the delivery time was about a week and I'd found 2 of my old diazepam that I could take if I really needed to.

To note: I usually only take my meds for work, I can generally get by without them when I'm not working but now not taking them for work makes me feel like I am not being as useful/productive/etc as I could be and as a supervisor who is often the one in charge I need to be on the ball.

Amazon package was meant to come today.

I did get an Amazon package today but was it my desperately needed melatonin? No it was a fucking Christian self-help book:

Like does this look like medication to you?!?!?!

I get that mistakes happen but this is the 2nd issue I've had with this 1 thing.

Also as a queer satanist/witch it feels a lil insulting even tho it wasn't probably wasnt intentional at all and some Christian who wanted a self help book has been sent sleep medication like oops.

But that is not the end of the saga.

Luckily Amazon is on the ball about refunds and I was able to reorder the item (& a 2nd brand so we'll see who comes first) and paid extra for fast shipping. Even then it will take another week for it to arrive.

I have my supervisor shift on the weekend, I cannot be unmedicated for it but I will be running on 2 hours of sleep if I'm lucky.

If I didn't take the adhd meds I'd be on maybe 4 hours sleep so it's not much difference tbh.

But on top of all that: the refund from the 1st company (that I will never be going back to after this) was pending in my bank account. It had the amount ($95 cuz I ordered 3 bottles of 2 different strengths plus shipping) with a "this is pending" label.

It has now vanished from my account.

It is no longer pending but I also do not have the money.

I am giving them the 10 business days they said it'll take and if it's not in my account I am raining hell.

I work retail minimum wage, I live paycheque to paycheque, I cannot be out $95 with nothing to show for it.

10 business days is the 15th

My new order is meant to arrive on the 14th

We'll see what I get first, a refund from the person I ordered from in January or the replacement items I ordered Wednesday last week.

(Also the express shipping isn't much faster I just need it literally as soon as possible I am so tired)

[threewaywithdelusion]

Keeley and Jamie Meet

I've been writing so much Ted Lasso fan fiction, but seem to be totally incapable of focusing on one project at a time. So here's a JamieKeeley pre-canon fic I was working on today (feel free to brit-pick or critique, it's a rough draft)

The first time Keeley saw Jamie Tartt, she’d just come off a shoot with Shandy and Ellie and they’d gone to get drinks at a nice club to celebrate the end of the long workday. She was in her own club clothes — a single-strapped bodysuit paired with a pink miniskirt and strappy, tall hells — but her hair and makeup was all from the shoot, which had been eighties themed, and made her whole outfit look a bit odd. 

Shandy and Ellie were out on the dance floor but Keeley’s feet hurt from her shoes and she decided to sit at the bar, sip overpriced drinks, and people-watch. 

That was when she noticed Jamie. He was impossible to miss, in a loudly-patterned graffiti shirt unbuttoned far enough that Keeley could confirm he had a six-pack. He was at a table with a group of men, but he didn’t seem to be talking to any of them. He was scowling moodily and that should have been a red flag, but frankly it made his cheekbones look fucking fantastic. 

It took Keeley only a moment to realize the group of men was a football team and then she had to roll her eyes at herself. She didn’t even care about football, but somehow football players were always exactly her type. Maybe some evil witch had put a curse on Keeley where she could only date sexy, sexy football players for all eternity. It was probably one of those curses that looked like a nice spell at first. 

Keeley’s last boyfriend, Harry, had been a player for Brighton. They’d been together for six lovely months before Keeley had walked in on him fucking another girl and ended it on the spot. He’d blamed their long-distance relationship, never mind that Brighton was only an hour and a half away from London and he’d been in town almost every other weekend playing some London team.

After that, Keeley had decided she was done with football players. Maybe it was time to go back to girls. 

Keeley finished her drink, the straw making a sucking sound against the bottom of the glass. A quick look around showed Shandy and Ellie were still dancing and didn’t seem put off by the men dancing on them, so Keeley began scanning the menu. 

“Can I buy you a drink?” asked a man’s voice with a thick Mancunian accent. Keeley turned and saw it was the man from before, with the abs and the cheekbones, grinning cheekily at her. 

Up close and with the helpful hint from his accent, Keeley realized she recognized him. This was Jamie Tartt, the kid from Man City who Harry had complained about for a whole week last season. Keeley had watched the Brighton- Man City game like a dutiful girlfriend, so she had seen when Man City had put Jamie Tartt on the field with ten minutes left on the game. The pundits had called it mad because though Man City had been leading 4-1, the cup hadn’t been secure in their hands, with the fate of the Premier League trophy depending not only on the Man City-Brighton game, but the Liverpool-Wolverhampton game as well. It was madness to put substitute a starting line player for a young benchwarmer like Jamie Tartt. 

But Jamie had gotten the ball and run past Brighton’s defense — meaning Harry — and taken a shot on goal. The goalie had caught it, thank God, but Harry had been criticized in the papers after for letting a second team player like Jamie Tartt slip past him. 

Keeley had quickly gotten tired of hearing Harry complain about Jamie Tartt. Then Harry had gotten into bed with some random girl and his complaining hadn’t been her problem anymore. 

“You’re Jamie Tartt,” Keeley said. 

Jamie grinned smugly, tongue between his teeth. “I am. I saw you looking at me. Thought I’d come over and say hi.”

Keeley scoffed and shook her head. “What? So you hit on any girl who looks your way?”

“Only the fit ones,” Jamie said. “And there’s no one fitter than Keeley fucking Jones.”

Keeley’s eyebrows went up. She wasn’t sure Jamie’s exact age, but it was getting more and more rare for young footballers to recognize her. Harry had been 26, almost her own age, and had no bloody clue who she was when they’d first met. 

Right, Harry. Keeley was done with footballers, no matter how fit or flattering they may be. 

“You can buy me a drink,” she said. “But I’m not going home with you.”

Jamie pouted, his bottom lip actually sticking out. It was ridiculous. It was endearing. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t owe you anything for a drink,” Keeley said. She’d been in this position before, with far too many men who thought spending a few pounds on drinks meant they’d bought the right to take her home. 

“What about a dance?” Jamie asked. 

“No.”

“A chat, then?”

“No.”

“Come on,” he pleaded, pressing into her space with a smile. “You might like me.”

“Jamie,” Keeley said tightly, holding up a hand to stop him. “I said no.” She’d been right to establish boundaries right away, because it was clear he didn’t know how to respect them. 

Only Jamie surprised her. He stepped out of her space and flagged the bartender down. “One shot of vanilla vodka. And whatever the lady wants, yeah?”

“I’m not having sex with you,” Keeley reminded him. 

The bartender, a pretty blonde woman, gave Keeley a supportive thumbs-up. 

“It’s not a sex drink,” Jamie said. “It’s a sorry-for-being-a-dick drink, yeah? I didn’t mean to push. I thought we were playing, like.”

He seemed sincere, hands twisting in the bottom of his shirt, eyes wide on her like he was trying to read her expression. Maybe it was stupid of her, but Keeley believed him that he hadn’t meant to push her after she’d said no. 

She turned to the bartender. “What’s your most expensive drink?”

The bartender gave Keeley a wicked smile. “If you want a cocktail, it’s the Elderflower-Plum Highball. If you mean overall, we have some bottles of champagne that cost near 200 pounds.”

Keeley raised her eyebrows at Jamie. 

“Champagne, please,” he told the bartender. 

The bartender smiled and winked at Keeley. She really was pretty. Maybe Keeley should take her home instead. 

It only took a moment for the bartender to return with a bottle of champagne. She presented it to Keeley so she could read the label, then popped it carefully so the cork didn’t fly, the way they did at all the fancy places. Keeley had waitressed for a bit as a teenager, before her modeling career took off, and she knew that was harder than it looked. 

The bartender pulled out a champagne glass and filled it, setting it in front of Keeley.

Keeley sipped the champagne. It was cold and bubbly and sweet. Keeley probably wouldn’t have spent £200 on it, but it was very good. 

Beside her, Jamie did his shot of vanilla vodka with his eyes on her, looking pleased that she’d liked the champagne. 

“I’m going back to my mates,” he said. “It was nice to meet you, Keeley Jones.”

Keeley didn’t know whether or not it had been nice to meet Jamie, so she didn’t say anything at all. He nodded his head and walked away, back to the football team that hadn’t even seemed to notice his absence. 

The bartender leaned over the bar, smiling. “That was well clever of you.”

Keeley shrugged. “He was a dick. He deserved it.”

The bartender rolled her eyes, gesturing at the group of footballers. “They’re all dicks.”

“Yeah,” Keeley agreed. “Thanks for being my partner in crime.”

The woman’s eyes sparkled. “My pleasure.”

“I’m Keeley,” Keeley said. Introducing herself was a bit out of place in a casual conversation with a bartender, but Keeley had a feeling this wasn’t going to end here.

The bartender smiled. “Alice. You dead set on going home alone tonight?”

Ooh, yes, Keeley had been right. She leaned into the bar. “Not if a better option presents itself. Why, you got someone in mind?”

By the time Alice’s shift finished and she and Keeley fell into bed in Alice’s flat together, Jamie Tartt was the last thing on Keeley’s mind. 

***

Keeley didn’t want to admit it, but she was getting old. Not old for a real person of course, but old for a model. The shelf-life for a beautiful woman didn’t go much past 30 and Keeley felt that birthday looming closer every day. She’d turned 29 last month and had to force a smile while she pretended to eat cake that wasn’t on her diet plan. 

She wasn’t too old just yet — she still got gigs, including the modeling gig she’d just done earlier that day. But the offers had slowed down, companies turning to prettier, younger models to try to sell their merchandise with the promise of sex. 

It meant Keeley had let her manager go, and was now scheduling her own gigs. She actually quite liked that part — maybe in a few years when she was too old for all of this, she could help the pretty young thing who’d taken her place to fill her calendar with modeling gigs, club appearances, and commercials. But all that meant that Keeley was standing morosely at the bar, feeling just a little too old and a little too drunk, when the man from last week came up to her again. 

“Jamie Tartt,” she said. 

“Keeley Jones,” he said, in that cute Mancunian accent of his. 

“Are you stalking me?”

“No, I swear,” Jamie said, putting his hands up like he was protesting his innocence. “You’ve just got good taste in clubs, I guess.”

Keeley hummed. “Buy me a drink?”

She was pushing it, but he laughed and flagged down the bartender. He ordered a double shot of vanilla vodka and she ordered a jaegerbomb on his tab. 

“Is this still an apology?” she asked. 

Jamie’s eyes went wide. “Shit Keeley, are you trying to drink me out of house and home? How expensive is an apology?”

Keeley laughed. “It’s not like you can’t afford it, playing for the winners of the Premier Cup.”

The smile faded from Jamie’s face. “I’m not at City right now, actually. I’m on loan to fucking Richmond.”

He looked genuinely annoyed about it. 

“Sorry,” Keeley said. “Even my ex said Richmond aren’t great, and he plays for Brighton.”

Jamie brightened. “You know football.”

“A bit,” Keeley admitted. “I’ve dated a lot of footballers.”

Jamie frowned. “So it’s just me you’ve got a problem with?”

“No,” Keeley said. “I don’t have a problem with you. Buy me another drink?”

Jamie frowned, his head tipping to the side. “Aren’t you going to tell me you’re not going home with me?”

Keeley shrugged. “It’s a new week. I might.”

Jamie’s eyes went wide. He really was fit, with a narrow waist, abs she could see through his shirt (open down to his navel again), and a jawline that could cut glass. He wore his hair gelled up like a dick and Keeley had sworn off footballers after Harry, but he was young and talented and fit and he didn’t seem to care that they’d had to photoshop Keeley’s smile lines at the shoot today. 

He didn’t care that she was old. 

Jamie bought her another drink and Keeley gave him a smile and went off to dance with her friends. The music was loud and the lights were bright and on the dance floor, Keeley still felt young. She danced with a few men, dodged a few kisses and groping hands, then made her way to the loo. When she came out, she walked past a table of footballers. 

Jamie, with two others she didn’t recognize. She went up to Jamie again. “Buy me a drink?”

The two other boys whistled and Jamie got a cocky smile on his face but still shushed his friends. He bought Keeley another drink and she waved and him and went back to the dance floor. 

She danced for another hour before her feet started to hurt and the dance floor began to feel too hot. A quick glance showed Jamie was still sitting at a table with his friends, so Keeley went to the bar, ordered a drink, then made her way over. 

“Vanilla vodka for you,” she said, pressing the shot into Jamie’s hand and sliding into his lap at the same time. He sloshed the drink a little as he moved to catch her, one hand stiffly at her shoulder like he wasn’t sure she wanted to be touched but was even less sure she wanted to be dumped on the floor. 

Keeley leaned in to whisper in Jamie’s ear. “Take me home.”

Jamie pulled back, genuine surprise in his eyes. “Yeah?”

It made something warm in Keeley — something besides all the alcohol. He’d actually listened to her — he really hadn’t been buying her drinks just to get into her pants. Maybe that was a low bar, but fuck it, Keeley was drunk and she wanted to feel young and stupid for one more night. 

“Yeah,” Keeley said, biting her bottom lip and nodding. 

Jamie knocked the shot back and stood in a hurry, lifting Keeley to her feet with those fancy footballer muscles. 

“G’night lads,” he told the other two boys. Then he led Keeley out of the club. 

[sgt-scottymoreau]

"I've tried to move on, but no one else makes me feel the way you do." For Camy and Ghost 😘💚

Prompt list

Went in the angst territory here. Not too much, but just enough >:3

Warning: None

Words: 843

Their breakup had been a mutual understanding. They both had agreed to end things, on good terms. With their line of work and the fear of eventually not being able to keep their promise that their feelings wouldn't interfere in a situation, it seemed best like this. Here and there, there was some slip up in some old habits, but they made sure to watch themselves.

This went on for a month. It was hard in the beginning because obviously they still loved each other. Hell, when Scotty dared to try to return on the date board, it felt weird. In the end, their new status made everything awkward and hard to work around, so Scotty made a big decision. Return home. If the 141 needed her she would be more than happy to come back or team up with them again.

Another month has passed since. Returning back to her previous PMC wasn't too hard to adapt. That was the easy part. The hard part was to pretend that all the feelings she still had were nothing, that eventually they will fade away. She tried again, a little hard pushing herself even when she didn't feel too much like it, to date again. It made her fall back into some old habits. Some dates ended up in a simple one night stand, others were good. It felt like there was a connection, maybe it could work. Yet, it wasn't the same thing. They were nice people really, but there was that little something missing. A little something only Ghost made her feel. True to be told, he had been the one in a long time to remind her what romance, love was.

The day at work had been hard today. Add the most depressing weather of all year around; rain and grey. When Scotty finally found the warmth and comfort of home, she was more than happy about it. A quick change of clothes into something more comfortable and she began to contemplate what had to be done. A lot. For instance, make dinner. Cleaning up the pile of clothes and washing could wait another day or two. Feeling how empty the place was, Scotty turned on the radio to fill the void. However, it added another layer of regret. It reminded her when she would be cooking with Ghost. She never realized how the little mundane thing had changed and meant more to her. With a heavier heart than she wished for, she pushed through the evening.

Sat in front of the tv, letting whatever program was running in the background, Scotty's thumb hovered above the send button. She had written at least three four lines, every time erasing it and trying once more with a different wording, but it was never what she wanted. It didn't sound exactly the way she wanted it to be. Her thumb slowly raised to the direct call button above. Perhaps that would be better. Nothing beats the emotions of the voice. Half prepared for the call, she pressed the button. Only realized she pressed the video call option, when her face showed on the screen. Oh, so be it.

"Hey." He wasn't wearing his mask. Meant he was probably home.

"Hey, how are you doing?" Just this small introduction felt awkward.

"I'm good. Why do you call?"

She regretted the video call. There was no way for her to hide whatever face she wanted to make or be able to hide her emotions behind a fake tone. Her eyes avoided the screen as much as possible. "Have you ever made a decision and regretted it?"

He remained silent for a second or two, thinking. "Depends on the context. But I do."

"What about something recent?"

"Sc- Camille, just spit it out."

"Ok, ok. Was it a mistake to break up? Maybe we shouldn't have. I mean I know why we did, but... did we really have to? No way could we have worked it out?"

She noticed his shoulders slacking. "I thought we both accepted it was for the best."

"We did but... You know... To be honest, I try to return to the dating game. I thought it would help get over the feelings I still had for you. That if I was seeing someone else, I could be around you really as a friend. What I mean is I've tried to move on, but no one else makes me feel the way you do."

He stayed silent for a moment. Longer than the previous time. It was probably a lot to take in. She did admit she was looking for someone else not long after their breakup. But it was the truth. That love, the romance, the yearning, it was only Ghost who made her feel that way. A connection she only had with him. "Do you want to come back here?" He had a smile on his face as he patted the seat near to him on the couch.

"I would love that."

"Alright, when is the next train to London?"

[takecareluv]

𓏲 ࣪₊diary entry : june twenty-ninth  .ᐟ

this summer's had a bit of a rocky start; with more rain than sun, my mood has certainly reflected that of mother nature's. and while i've had moments of sunshine peaking through the grey clouds in my mind, there's ultimately been a great deal of darkness — thunderous thoughts keeping me awake all night, with raindrop like tears that inevitably follow. i keep checking the forecast over and over again to see if the sun will soon return, but i realize it isn't up to the little app on my phone; scrolling won't change the present moment, and it certainly can't determine the unpredictable unstable some would even say patterns of both mother nature, and i. i can't wait another day, week or month for the sun to come out because the weather, like our emotions, are never for certain — and change as quick as a strike of lightning. so, rain or shine, it is important to make the most out of every day.

finally, amidst the storm, i see clear skies. i see the light peaking through the gloom in my eyes. and although i know rain will always return, whether we like it or not, i understand now it helps to cleanse the soul. like flowers, we cannot grow without a little showers. so instead i will embrace it — i will splash through the puddles and dance happily in the rain.

꒰ 📖 ꒱ؘ ࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

today was definitely full of clear skies for me, and fortunately mother nature too. . .ᵕ̈

first thing in the morning, i got up and did all my usual morning ritual — making my bed, brushing my teeth, doing my hair and skincare ++ putting on spf !! — all of which i can honestly say i have not been the best at for the last week or so. with that being said, this on it's own was an accomplishment for me & my first win of the day :3

⤷ always celebrate the small wins ! ! ! they are what lead to even bigger and better things in the future ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

after giving my puppies some quick cuddles, i got dressed in my pink pilates princess uniform ( because yes, i always feel more motivated when everything is cute / 'aesthetic' . i can't help it. it's what i blame my shopping addiction on ) and then i went on a hot girl walk around my neighborhood while i listened to some lana del rey classics <3 ( today i walked 1.8 miles ! ) i'm especially proud of myself for doing this because my anxiety started to kick in this morning and i was having a bit of an internal battle over whether i wanted to go on a walk or stay in bed. in the past i've always let the devil on my shoulder, or should i say fear, control me, and even today i almost let my negative thoughts take over, but i didn't let them win. i pushed through them, even when they put up one hell of a fight.

⤷ gentle reminder : it's never going to be the easy option, but it's the one your future self will thank you for.

coming home from my walk, i could practically hear my stomach talking to me and she was begging for food . . . so for today's breakfast, i decided to make myself scrambled eggs and gluten free toast topped with peanut butter & bananas + freshly squeezed lemon water :p so so yummy !!!!

⤷ i try my best to always start my day with a protein filled meal! it stabilizes your blood sugar, preventing you from crashing, which would otherwise make you feel hungry and tired quite quickly after eating.

to complete my peaceful but productive morning, i did a twenty minute meditation using this video ( which ultimately turned into an hour long nap. . . whoopsies )

& that was my morning ! i completed all of this before 10:30 a.m. ᵎᵎ which may not seem like a lot to some, or nothing out of the ordinary, but seeing as i've barely been conscious before noon recently, this was an achievement for me (´｡• ◡ •｡`) ♡

p.s. it amazes me how much you can actually get done in the morning when you wake up early . . .

. . .

⌗ °. •♡ today’s affirmations 𓂃

i believe in myself .

i am filled with radiant light and love .

i prioritize my wellbeing .

i trust that i am heading in the right direction .

i am proud of myself and my achievements .

i give myself permission to shine bright .

. . .

xoxo, meg 💌

[treadmilltreats]

Living with osteoporosis

So if you know me or follow me, you know that I am a workout queen. I have been working out since I was in high school. Way before, it was popular for women to be at the gym, yes, back in the dinosaur days. I am up every morning at 5:00 a.m. to work out.

I lift weights, I do yoga, I do my TRX machine, I do Pilates, I ride my bike and walk every day. I've even tried aerial yoga, pole dancing, and boxing. You name it, I've done it, it's just who I am.

I also eat right, I pack my own breakfast and lunch, and I don't eat out for dinner except for once a week. My food is as clean as possible. I hardly eat anything bad unless I'm going home, and then, of course, all bets are off. What do you expect? I am a New Yorker.

So you would think being this healthy I would not be the type of person to get osteoporosis but guess again. When the doctor told me this, I was shocked. Then the doctor said I should go on a once a month shot called Evenity as this would bring up my bone density levels.

I researched it, it seemed good and I decided to do it. When I went back a year later for my bone scans, I went from osteoporosis to osteopenia. Great, I thought, it worked, and it was good. Then the doctor said I should now go on another drug called Prolia, a every 6 month shot. I would have to be on it for the next 4 years, and then my bone density would stay at the rate it's at now.

So because I trusted her from the first shot, I didn't do my own research and shame on me because everybody has to be their own health advocate in this day and age. The drug companies are just trying to push their drugs and make more money, and the doctors are probably getting kickbacks for the drugs they're pushing. Don't believe me? There's many documentaries, especially on Netflix, about this. This is not a conspiracy theory. By no means, the drug companies don't care about anyone but the bottom line.

Anyway, I decided to go and get the shot. I was fine after the first shot. It wasn't until months later that I felt really sick. I was tired all the time, and my body ached, I just didn't feel like me. I was gaining weight and I couldn't understand why as I was exercising more and counting everything I ate. Then I went to every doctor and had every kind of blood test and test done to find out the reason. I never associated it with the shot I had months ago.

I was shocked when everything came back saying that I was healthy, but I sure as hell didn't feel healthy. Before I was the Energizer Bunny, everybody would tell me that I would go and go and go, but now I could hardly pick my head up off the pillow. Some days, I had to drag my ass out of bed at 5:00 a.m.

and it was killing me just to get through the day.

Then I was on Facebook, and I happened to see something about osteoporosis. I started going down this rabbit hole, learning about the drug that they gave me from others' experiences. It was because I did not research this on my own that I came to find out that this drug has way more side effects than what is actually treating the problem.

These side effects include not being able to just get off of this drug because if you do, you'll have bone breakage. (Something it's supposed to help!!!)

It also makes your cholesterol higher and your blood pressure higher. You have a higher risk of heart attack and breast cancer, plus all the things I was experiencing.

I was so angry that the doctor never explained any of this to me. She never told me about all the risks, she never told me this was a “Black box” drug meaning the FDA made them put this warning that it was one of the worst drugs on the market. But shame on me, I should have done my own research like I always do but sometimes you get complacent and you trust the person that's supposed to be the expert, that was definitely the wrong move.

So today, my friends, my advice to you is to do your research, ask the questions, and dig deep into the medicines they are so quick to hand out. The pharmaceutical companies don't care about you. The doctors are too busy to care, only you care about you. Be your own advocate, and if you're like me, decide to go the all natural way instead. I am hoping that maybe this will help others before it's too late.

Like I tell you all the time, only you can be the change you want to see.

@TreadmillTreatsCheck out my daily blogs @ https://treadmilltreats.blogspot.com/?m=1

Www.treadmilltreats.com

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

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***Now available***

My 1st book The blessing in Disguise

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[smokeybrandreviews]

It's Our Anniversary

Do you know what today is? It's been a clean minute since I've checked in about the whole FGO thing and, i must say, sh*t is progressing nicely. Azur Lane has had some events, too, finally got a few new Iron Blood ships, but I'll touch on those later. Right now, I'm mildly obsessed with my Fate situation and i kind of want to gush about it a little bit. Last time i updated, i had just popped my Jaques de Molay on a whim. that was a hell of a run but there have been gains since then. Gains that i feel compelled to gush over.

The Grind

Mordred is another step closer to perfection. Anther step closer to where she was when i lost her the first time. The Seventh Anni event is happening and, if you have thirty pay quarts, you can use them to summon a guaranteed Five-Star from a selection of Servants you choose. I am lousy with Sabers so i just chose Mo on a whim. She popped. A little sad as that meant i missed out on Melusine (she's my white whale now, i guess), Semiramis, and Demon Nobu, but i did add another Noble Phantasm level Mordred, bringing her to level three. I'm one dupe away from where she was last time and two away from perfecting her. I've also maxed out both of her Buster Cards and am about one hundred short on her Quick card. Still a LONG way off from her level growing, i keep getting other Servants worth the Experience cards, but I'll lock into that eventually. I'm so close to finishing Mordred, it's getting me itchy!

The Drought is Over

In literally the last two months since i last updated, i find myself swimming in Five-Star Servants AND they're not f*cking Sabers! I wouldn't complaining if they were but, f*ck, is it hard to diversify in this game in terms of Gold Servants. I ended up throwing a ton of Grails at Four-Stars to kind of shore up the ranks but then the flood gates opened and i ended up with enough Five-Stars to build several Support teams. Sh*t was cash, man. I now have eighteen of these elusive f*ckers, a far cry from the measly nine (four of which were Sabers) when i first started. I have at least one Five-Star for every Main Class except Berserker, two Rulers, a Moon Cancer, and my lone Foreigner. Wish i had an Avenger but I'm good with what is on deck.

Four Star General

I actually have two Avengers, Gorgon and Lobo, they're just Four-Stars. I am absolutely LOUSY with Four-Star Servants. I have thirty-five of the f*cking things and around sixty or so total. I tend to burn anything less than Four-Stars because those cards are generally useless, especially in the late game. That said, the bulk of my army are bolstered Fours. Thirteen of them have been leveled up to ninety, i have Grails to spare, strictly because i needed more firepower and like those characters. Obviously, Barghest and Grey got that treatment the second i added them to my ranks, but so did Yu Meiren and Daikouten. Both of them are underrated as f*ck for their Class. Also, Frankenstein's Monster (her name is actually Eve but cool) because i don't still don't have a Five-Star Berserker yet!

Crimson Moon

I rarely speak on this because i generally enjoy the Fate franchise much more, but i got into the Throne of Heroes through Tsukihime. I was aware of Type-Moon because of Shiki and his doomed romance with Type-Moon, herself. Arcueid is one of my favorite characters in all of the Nasuverse so having an opportunity to add her to my my roster was a no-brainer for me. Obviously, i made a run at that banner, which was dope because i had just been gifted something like two hundred Saint Quartz or some sh*t. It took two thirty-pulls but she popped and i an stoked. Already got her to the third Ascension and currently grinding for Experience cards. I'm tempted to try a dupe run at her banner but i kind of don't want to waste anymore Quartz at the moment. Still, two rolls for a Five-Star off a banner is pretty dope.

Picnic Panic

I was also able to Max Limit my Chaldea Lunchtime Craft Essence. This anniversary celebration just showered me with sh*t i could use to bolster my entire situation. I ended up with a couple extra thousand Mana Prisms and immediately cashed those out. I only had two Lunchtimes left to get and had been putting it off because i wouldn't justify the expense. Well, today that cost was worth it because i realized i didn't need to actually level the Craft Essences up AND limit Break them in order to get the bonus. I completely forgot it's just the latter which matters. All five of those f*ckers fused to give me a beautiful ten percent bonus to my Bond Points at the end of battle and i love it. Should put a much needed dent into the slow crawl to Bond level Fifteen. I wish we could do multiple, though. Five max level Lunchtimes would be dope as sh*t!

Back to One

Years ago, way back when FGO first released in the NA territory, those that signed up were gifted Saber Lily on top of your free Four-Star roll. I pulled Lancer Eli but that has nothing to do with anything. Anyway, when i lost my account, it became relatively clear to me that reclaiming Lily was going to be a problem. I only ever saw her on Banners and i wasn't abut to waste Quartz on arguably the weakest Saberface in the game. Still, nostalgia called and i just kind of went about my life, lamenting how stupid it is we still can't link accounts to our Goggle accounts or an email somewhere. That is until i popped her on a Friends Point Summon. I didn't even know you could get Gold Servants out of that welfare dump! It was an unexpected surprise and something else i can cross off my list, even though i had no intentions of earnestly pursuing.

Somebody Save Me

Interestingly enough, the same day i rolled Lily, i was able to get Ruler Jeanne. First and oldest Ruler in the game! Useless to my style of play but still appreciated, nonetheless. Obviously, if i had to choose a Jeanne, I'd want JAlter but, way back when i was a youngin' in the world of Grand Orders, the advertisements did a great job of selling me on the "new" Class. Saber Artoria, Mash, and Ruler Jeanne, were the cover girls of this new game and they were everywhere. Jeanne took a strong position as kind of the selling point for longtime Nasu fans. I think it was the first time we got extended time with the character and Class. Apocrypha was a few weeks from release and, unless you were a total weeb, you had no idea the Apocrypha novels existed. Ruler was brand new and super dope looking. Everyone wanted to have a spin with her. And then Apocrypha came out. I don't remember her reception back then because Mordred existed and i didn't care anymore.

[smokeybrand]

It's Our Anniversary

Do you know what today is? It's been a clean minute since I've checked in about the whole FGO thing and, i must say, sh*t is progressing nicely. Azur Lane has had some events, too, finally got a few new Iron Blood ships, but I'll touch on those later. Right now, I'm mildly obsessed with my Fate situation and i kind of want to gush about it a little bit. Last time i updated, i had just popped my Jaques de Molay on a whim. that was a hell of a run but there have been gains since then. Gains that i feel compelled to gush over.

The Grind

Mordred is another step closer to perfection. Anther step closer to where she was when i lost her the first time. The Seventh Anni event is happening and, if you have thirty pay quarts, you can use them to summon a guaranteed Five-Star from a selection of Servants you choose. I am lousy with Sabers so i just chose Mo on a whim. She popped. A little sad as that meant i missed out on Melusine (she's my white whale now, i guess), Semiramis, and Demon Nobu, but i did add another Noble Phantasm level Mordred, bringing her to level three. I'm one dupe away from where she was last time and two away from perfecting her. I've also maxed out both of her Buster Cards and am about one hundred short on her Quick card. Still a LONG way off from her level growing, i keep getting other Servants worth the Experience cards, but I'll lock into that eventually. I'm so close to finishing Mordred, it's getting me itchy!

The Drought is Over

In literally the last two months since i last updated, i find myself swimming in Five-Star Servants AND they're not f*cking Sabers! I wouldn't complaining if they were but, f*ck, is it hard to diversify in this game in terms of Gold Servants. I ended up throwing a ton of Grails at Four-Stars to kind of shore up the ranks but then the flood gates opened and i ended up with enough Five-Stars to build several Support teams. Sh*t was cash, man. I now have eighteen of these elusive f*ckers, a far cry from the measly nine (four of which were Sabers) when i first started. I have at least one Five-Star for every Main Class except Berserker, two Rulers, a Moon Cancer, and my lone Foreigner. Wish i had an Avenger but I'm good with what is on deck.

Four Star General

I actually have two Avengers, Gorgon and Lobo, they're just Four-Stars. I am absolutely LOUSY with Four-Star Servants. I have thirty-five of the f*cking things and around sixty or so total. I tend to burn anything less than Four-Stars because those cards are generally useless, especially in the late game. That said, the bulk of my army are bolstered Fours. Thirteen of them have been leveled up to ninety, i have Grails to spare, strictly because i needed more firepower and like those characters. Obviously, Barghest and Grey got that treatment the second i added them to my ranks, but so did Yu Meiren and Daikouten. Both of them are underrated as f*ck for their Class. Also, Frankenstein's Monster (her name is actually Eve but cool) because i don't still don't have a Five-Star Berserker yet!

Crimson Moon

I rarely speak on this because i generally enjoy the Fate franchise much more, but i got into the Throne of Heroes through Tsukihime. I was aware of Type-Moon because of Shiki and his doomed romance with Type-Moon, herself. Arcueid is one of my favorite characters in all of the Nasuverse so having an opportunity to add her to my my roster was a no-brainer for me. Obviously, i made a run at that banner, which was dope because i had just been gifted something like two hundred Saint Quartz or some sh*t. It took two thirty-pulls but she popped and i an stoked. Already got her to the third Ascension and currently grinding for Experience cards. I'm tempted to try a dupe run at her banner but i kind of don't want to waste anymore Quartz at the moment. Still, two rolls for a Five-Star off a banner is pretty dope.

Picnic Panic

I was also able to Max Limit my Chaldea Lunchtime Craft Essence. This anniversary celebration just showered me with sh*t i could use to bolster my entire situation. I ended up with a couple extra thousand Mana Prisms and immediately cashed those out. I only had two Lunchtimes left to get and had been putting it off because i wouldn't justify the expense. Well, today that cost was worth it because i realized i didn't need to actually level the Craft Essences up AND limit Break them in order to get the bonus. I completely forgot it's just the latter which matters. All five of those f*ckers fused to give me a beautiful ten percent bonus to my Bond Points at the end of battle and i love it. Should put a much needed dent into the slow crawl to Bond level Fifteen. I wish we could do multiple, though. Five max level Lunchtimes would be dope as sh*t!

Back to One

Years ago, way back when FGO first released in the NA territory, those that signed up were gifted Saber Lily on top of your free Four-Star roll. I pulled Lancer Eli but that has nothing to do with anything. Anyway, when i lost my account, it became relatively clear to me that reclaiming Lily was going to be a problem. I only ever saw her on Banners and i wasn't abut to waste Quartz on arguably the weakest Saberface in the game. Still, nostalgia called and i just kind of went about my life, lamenting how stupid it is we still can't link accounts to our Goggle accounts or an email somewhere. That is until i popped her on a Friends Point Summon. I didn't even know you could get Gold Servants out of that welfare dump! It was an unexpected surprise and something else i can cross off my list, even though i had no intentions of earnestly pursuing.

Somebody Save Me

Interestingly enough, the same day i rolled Lily, i was able to get Ruler Jeanne. First and oldest Ruler in the game! Useless to my style of play but still appreciated, nonetheless. Obviously, if i had to choose a Jeanne, I'd want JAlter but, way back when i was a youngin' in the world of Grand Orders, the advertisements did a great job of selling me on the "new" Class. Saber Artoria, Mash, and Ruler Jeanne, were the cover girls of this new game and they were everywhere. Jeanne took a strong position as kind of the selling point for longtime Nasu fans. I think it was the first time we got extended time with the character and Class. Apocrypha was a few weeks from release and, unless you were a total weeb, you had no idea the Apocrypha novels existed. Ruler was brand new and super dope looking. Everyone wanted to have a spin with her. And then Apocrypha came out. I don't remember her reception back then because Mordred existed and i didn't care anymore.

[close-friends00]

I have so many things I wanna rant about however I'm number 1: too lazy to pick up a pen and my journal and just write all these emotions and boring feelings down so imma just trauma dump here real quick. and 2: I can't add pictures of Lana del Rey whenever tf I want in my journal sooooooo

ok so I have a lot of feelings for Lola, but lately especially today I have just been looking back at our relationship and there are somethings that are just either not sitting right with me or things that just have hurt my feelings and I'm just now wanting to talk and vent about this. I think I'm missing more how our dynamic was before april- I feel like she was there for me sm more in the sense that she was a huge rock when I was going through a ton of shit- and we talked about sm shit together and then after April when she started doing her ig lives I think we also grew closer because she was throwing hints at me and flriting- however after I reciprocate my feelings back I see that our messages shift a bit- but no worries right- we go on our first date amazing, I loved every moment of it. Eventually I realize that our dynamic at school is odd- there are days where she is very talkative with me and she reciprocates my affection and there are other days that I just feel like a little dog running laps around her, trying desperately to gain her attention and to be loved by her- I feel fucking ridiculous, and I just feel like so fucking awkward for even trying to talk with her. And then on my birthday in May - holy fuck did she open up about a ton of shit to me - like she was talking about her past relationships and some personal things shes been going through- and shes all over me- like shes holding my knee, making a lot of eye contact, yk like it felt like although she was telling this thing to more people in a way she was just talking to me too, like it was just us two? idk. point is afterwards things are weird- we are in a bit of a rut ngl. However she posts this tik-tok where she is like oh the month and my crush/relationship and she does emojis and I notice that in the month that we started talking there's another emoji next to mine? weird right? So before I can even see the tik tok shes already texting me being like ok here's why there's another emoji next to urs and that shit was personal and she goes on about her ex and all that- like we talked and I was like oh yeah those people are assholes yk, and I'm just realizing that I find it kinda unhealthy that's shes jumping from relationship to relationship and I can tell that the shit that she has gone through is still quite fresh - so I tell her hey Ik that you think I can't handle this but I'm willing to wait and understand and all that- however in may she had her rehearsal week- a week where we barely talked and I can understand why but then after her show the next day she texts me and she sends me a picture of her dump acc post and her doing makeup for a guy and she sends that pic to me and goes just in case u were wondering- this is the guy who's been making my life complete hell and she was just ranting how her ex and this guy have gotten in a relationship and just keep flaunting it to her face- and then she texts- 'now that I don't have to see them I can focus on you and our relationship"

and I played it off as a yess pls yk finally- but it made me so sad that I've been so into this relationship for almost two months and she is JUST NOW putting her efforts into it. and I understand- shes been going through some things- but I feel so fucking neglected in our relationship... idk I feel like once again I'm practically begging to be given attention or to hang out and I feel so guilty saying this but I just need to express it somehow. I think I can be her friend for now and just be a support system for her, but idk if she is ready for a relationship. and I need to know if she is because I wanna stop feeling like a burden , another task she needs to complete, idk.

one thing I've also noticed is that when she is with her friends- I feel like whenever her friends come up to talk to her, they're talking in code or walking around eggshells with me there. and I get it- they think imma snitch or whatever but it just hurt my feelings so much when we would be talking and she would just leave me to talk with them and just leave me waiting yk. and it just hurts because I feel like they're waiting for this 'clingy puppy' to leave so that they can talk...

i really really really like her and I want to be with her but I'm afraid to express these feelings because I'm low-key scared she will think I'm just like her exes.

but I just needed to rant about that real quick.

[universallyvoidcloud]

Introducing:

Tae Kuo Park. My name means limitless blessing in Korean. My parents are the only ones to use my given name. Everyone else calls me TK. It's easier for people to remember, and it gives less of an opportunity to fuck up the pronunciation. I have a sister, Dae, whom I love dearly and would start and finish a war behind. I'm the oldest by 16 months. I was named after my dad, Kuo, like many Korean families. He has been married to my mom, Woo, for nearly 30 years. They met through mutual friends, Guozhi and Chie Song. The Songs have been family for all my life. I grew up with their sons, Ghang and Gan. Ghang is the oldest by 4 years. Gan is a few months younger than Dae. Gan is my partner in crime since birth. Ghang is big brother to us all.

When my grandparents immigrated to America, my grandfather worked his ass off and eventually started a business. It started off small, and grew into this global corporation. My grandfather was a smart man and jumped in on the electronic side of business before it became what it is today. His gamble paid off and made him a millionaire. Eventually he retired and my mom took over the company. Meanwhile, my dad opened a dojo with Mr. Song. Under my mom's guidance, the company branched out. It started in New York, but now we have stations in Sacramento, Seattle, Miami, Tokyo, and my personal favorite place, Morocco.

I have always been a quick learner. I love engineering, even got a degree in it. As a child I was always hanging around, learning everything I could about the business. My mom stepped down from her position as CEO. Board approved I became the youngest CEO ever at 19. I worked while earning two degrees in college. I graduated early from high school and college, so I was finished with school and working non stop by my 21st birthday.

From then on I just enjoyed life. I rarely make huge purchases, I've been around money all my life. But, I did purchase a few big ticket items to accommodate my lifestyle. I bought not one, but two brand new Maseratis and purchased the empty penthouse above my office. I periodically recycle my closet so I'm always up to date with the trends. I mostly wear suits because I'm always working. I appreciate a good suit and make sure I look good in one. I have several hand tailored Italian suits, probably more than I should, with shoes to match. Other than that, my money is spent on entertainment.

For all the successes I've had business wise, I've had equal failures in my relationships. All my life, I've had to question other people's intentions. 9 times out of 10, they only get close to you because of what you have. This makes dating more complicated than it already is. When I was 16, I had a crush on one of Dae's friends, Naomi. She was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. She was smart, funny, and sweet. Long story short, we started dating. She was my first in many things. My first girlfriend, kiss, hell she was my first sexual partner. I thought the world of her. We were together nearly 2 years. One day, I overheard her telling another girl about all the things I've done for her. She admitted to her that she only befriended my sister to get to me. She wanted me because she wanted the money that came with me. I broke up with her immediately. I was crushed. I didn't know which hurt worse: the fact she used me or the fact that we weren't together. That situation made me bitter. I swore off dating. Sex was a different story. I enjoyed sex, so I never shied away from a pretty woman and a good time. From the start, I let it be known that it was a one-time thing. I had no preference, I loved all women. These women didn't mean anything to me, and I didn't care. I had started building these walls to lock people out. I didn't want that feeling to be constant. One night, this lady named Mia approached me. I tried to take her home, but she refused. This intrigued me because I wasn't used to not getting what I wanted. The next night she was there again. I was interested in knowing her. We started talking and ending up spending the night together. We exchanged numbers and started dating. The walls that I started building started coming down. Until one night, she came over to tell me she was pregnant. Then she told me she had gotten an abortion earlier that day. So many different emotions came over me all at once. The one that stood out the most was anger. It takes a lot for me to lose my shit. But when I do, I'm done. I was so mad at that moment. I immediately told her to get the fuck out of my life. I didn't even know if I wanted kids, but I damn sure didn't like the choice taken from me. I couldn't be with anyone like that so I had no choice but to break up with her. This situation created a fortress around my heart. Now if she wants more that a good time I'm not the one. It would take a special woman to get me to change my mind.