#another pair of anti blue light glasses (round lens)

[alien-nuts]

my packages finally all came in!!! i’m so excited omg omg omg

[themurphyzone]

PatB Nova Ch 7

Ch 7: Perturb

AN: This chapter’s somehow got long so a lot of stuff I wanted to originally place here’s going in the next one.

FFN Link

Terran Date 2015.4.23

Since I currently lack access to my regular equipment, I’m making do with an audio recording program from a Terran computer. I must admit it’s not nearly as efficient as my usual method, but it will have to suffice.

Pinky is an…interesting host. I won’t deny that he’s rather generous, and the delicacy he identified as cream cheese is surprisingly palatable. I’ve also taken up residence in his cage which he also kindly offered for my use as a safe place to sleep. The sponge bed has been moved to the cage per my request.

Objective assessment of Pinky: his species is a lab mouse, his eyes have to be some odd mutation because it cannot be possible for them to be that blue, and he’s an amiable idiot. As I’m recording this, he’s currently scolding two inanimate objects for their failure to keep the cage clean in his absence.

Today’s goal: Pinky is planning for a trip to the local mall to obtain a hat to wear for the Derby. Once again, it’s an illogical custom I am unfamiliar with. I’ve agreed to accompany him for two purposes. The first, clues on Snowball’s whereabouts. And the second, to gather intel on Terran habits for world domination purposes. Snowball and I will be able to put my information to good use when we’re reunited.

Signing off for now, the Brain.

o-o-o-o-o

Getting lost, losing communications, and the unrelenting solitude were the major dangers of setting foot outside of Penumbra. Only the first two conditions applied now.

Pinky leapt through the mail slot and danced along the pavement. He wore a lavender blouse that left his shoulders exposed, his shorts made of a Terran material called denim. Apparently, this excursion was also an opportunity to make a fashion statement. But Brain didn’t see the practicality of Pinky’s clothes.  The silly Terran stepped on an odd rock here and there, but his twirls didn’t slow down. Just looking at him made Brain slightly dizzy.

Thin, white clouds drifted lazily in the vast blue sky far above them. Brain looked up, one hand on his brow to shield his eyes from the bright sunlight. New Selene and the stars weren’t visible, though they were somewhere much higher than the sky.

He squinted and lowered his gaze to the ground, dark spots forming in his vision and making everything rather blurry.

Brain had switched his jumpsuit and gloves for a Terran disguise, a simple red shirt and another pair of denim shorts, both items borrowed from Pinky’s large collection of outfits. But since Pinky’s legs were longer, the shorts technically functioned more like pants, and the shirt was knee-length. Though it was comfortable, so he went along with it for now.

Besides, Pinky had been shockingly adamant about the jumpsuit and gloves needing a wash. Brain had protested at first since the material had anti-olfactory functions built in, but Pinky insisted and Brain agreed if only to shut up the Terran.

Procuring formal clothes for conquest would just have to wait.

And there was another issue he hadn’t anticipated.

Everything was so colorful and loud. He was so used to everything being muted and dark. Already he missed the ever present hum of the lab technology, and he’d barely set foot outside the door. Brain stood on the coarse welcome mat, on the border between safety and the unknown.

He was just grateful his accelerated healing kicked in overnight, and the bandages were no longer necessary.

“Come on, Brain!” Pinky shouted as he skipped along the pavement, careful to avoid all the cracks. “The sidewalk is great! Just don’t step on the crack, or you’ll break your mama’s back!”

Brain scowled. “My mother is on a different planet entirely, if she hasn’t already fallen victim to the many dangers of the natural world. Stepping on a cracked rock here on Terra will have no effect on her skeletal structure. The two actions are entirely uncorrelated.”

“The corals are related?” Pinky gasped, hands flying to his mouth in genuine surprise. “I knew they looked similar!”  

There was absolutely no reasoning with him, was there?

A large, sleek metal structure roared down the large stretch of pavement in front of them, a cloud of smoke trailing behind it as it rounded a corner and disappeared. It wasn’t his first time seeing one of those vehicles, since they’d been peppered throughout the satellite images he’d viewed back on Penumbra.

A car. One of the forms of land-based transportation on Terra, Brain recalled from the file on Terran technology. Highly practical for traveling long distances.

Cars were much larger in person. The images made them seem so tiny.

And once again, he found himself woefully lacking essential information. Did cars function similarly to a rover? How did it zoom by so quickly? What was the power source?

He looked up at the sky again, but the sunlight had somehow gotten stronger during his pondering, and he quickly averted his eyes.

“Poit. Your eyes are so squinty, Brain!” Pinky lightly tapped Brain’s head, breaking him out of his thoughts. “Don’t look directly into the sun. It’s bad for your eyes and you’d need to eat lots and lots of carrots to fix them and then your fur will turn orange!”

“A side effect of all this light,” Brain replied, making a mental note that carrots were an edible item that caused orange fur. He’d have to avoid them in the future. “I’m fine. Let’s depart for this…mall.”

The word felt strange on his tongue. But his feet wouldn’t leave the safety of the welcome mat.

“I’d love for you to come along, but if you’d rather not, that’s fine too,” Pinky said. There was a slight tinge of disappointment in his voice though, but he still seemed as sunny as the actual star. It was somewhat unsettling.

“Won’t you join my little expedition, Brain?” Snowball wrapped an arm around Brain’s shoulders. Fine mist trailed from the aisam’s claws, surrounding them with an icy chill that traveled up Brain’s spine and settled into his fur. “The road to Eclipse Lab is awfully barren and I could use a little company. Perhaps we could test our skills with star identification along the way.”

Brain shoved him away and Snowball clicked his tongue in disappointment.

“For the last time, I’m n-not interested in visiting that horrible, scrik-ridden m-mess of a lab, Snowball. If you wish to leave New Selene sometime in the next cycle, you will allow me to fine-tune the propulsion system in peace,” Brain retorted, hating the tremor in his voice caused by a brief yet violent case of the shivers. He picked up a wrench and examined it for overuse damage, turning his back on Snowball so he wouldn’t see Brain’s hands tremble.

Whether it was from the cold or the mere thought of setting foot in the place where he’d been prodded and restrained by long, claw-like fingers, he couldn’t say.

“You can’t be an invertebrate, Brain,” Snowball grumbled. His disappointment was palpable, and Brain’s fingers tightened around the wrench. “Our combined intellect is unparalleled and far superior to those imbecilic Terrans. Whatever it takes to rule, whatever it takes to wear the crown, we must seize it by any means possible.”

Then he was gone, and the Conquistador’s silent frame became Brain’s steadfast companion.

“Earth to Brain! Oh sorry, should I say Terra to Brain instead? Come in, Terra to Brain! This is Lieutenant Pinky reporting in! Over!”

Pinky was suddenly in front of his face, and Brain leapt back in surprise. He must’ve been lost in his ponderings again. Pinky held something behind his back, something bright and yellow poking out near his tail.

“Yes, Pinky. I hear you,” Brain sighed. Then Pinky showed him the item behind his back, and it turned out to be the oddest pair of safety goggles Brain had ever seen in his life. The star-shaped frame was yellow and provided little protection for the nose, and the lens were tinted dark instead of clear. “These goggles are highly impractical for technical work.”

“They’re sunglasses actually. Slipped inside and grabbed ‘em while you were pandering. I use these if I’m playing movie star-slash-chiropractor! Try them on!” Pinky said. Deciding it was best to humor him, Brain slid on the glasses, and his vision became a shade darker. The colors were still there, just not as bright. The headache that had threatened to form dissipated into nothingness.

“This is bearable,” Brain said. Pinky was slightly darker as well, though the tinted lens did nothing to diminish his shining blue eyes.

Pinky clapped his hands in glee. “Exactly! Also works for grizzlies and honey bears and teddies! And now you’re a movie star too!”  

Brain rolled his eyes, sweeping his antennae back so they didn’t get in the way. “That’s not a classification of any star. Despite your questionable logic, and I use that word in a fairly liberal sense, the color spectrum of your planet is no longer a strain on my eyes. So…thanks.”

“Aww! You’re welcome, Brain,” Pinky said. “And really, you can wear them in the lab too. I don’t mind.”

“No, Pinky. I’m coming along. I have goals to accomplish during this trip,” Brain said. Taking a deep breath, he stepped off the welcome mat, then hopped off the step and onto the pavement.

It wasn’t as difficult as his mind made it out to be.  

Pinky laughed, and Brain barely got out of the way in time before several ounces of idiosyncrasies could crash into him.

Brain wouldn’t get anything done by sitting around and being too afraid to leave the lab’s safe haven. Somewhere underneath the massive sky, Snowball was likely planning his own day’s activities. And today, they’d be taking the first steps to conquer Terra.

Through any means possible.

o-o-o-o-o

Brain prided himself on his keen observation skills, something that would serve him well when he and Snowball finally exploited the inhabitants’ many weaknesses. Pinky considered it a ‘a blousery, blustery, beautiful day’, whatever that meant, and skipped to and fro in every direction to take in the sights of the city. Brain kept him in view at all times, not wanting to be left alone in this strange world.

He quickly found that the word ‘Terrans’ failed to encapsulate the biodiversity of the planet, in addition to individual differences between members of the same species. Humans varied greatly in size, shape, and appearance, though even the tallest ones weren’t nearly as large as a Selenian. Some had their heads buried in their devices with cords going into their ears and were oblivious to their surroundings, and Brain had to keep an eye out for those dangerous folks since they didn’t seem to care about anyone in their path.

While inconvenient for him, their failure to pay attention could easily be turned into an advantage.

Several humans walked alongside quadrupedal creatures that sniffed the ground and had collars and ropes around their necks that led to a handle in the human’s hand. Pinky called them ‘dogs’ and ‘leashes’. He was more than happy to clarify anything Brain didn’t understand, and while he figured that he would have to research Terra more in-depth later, Pinky’s happy explanations were sufficient for now.

Brain firmly held Pinky’s hand as they passed by a human and a golden-furred dog with large paws and a long, panting tongue. The dog sniffed them curiously and made a ‘groomph’ noise, and though it didn’t seem hostile, Brain dragged Pinky away before the dog had the opportunity to slobber all over them.  

But even the ‘goldy’, as Pinky called it, was more preferable to the tiny, yappy thing that Pinky identified as a ‘Chi-wa-wa’. At least it was yanked back by its leash before it could give chase to them.

Pinky called himself a mouse, and his friend Pharfignewton was a horse. Two species down.

The flying creatures were pigeons, crows, and sparrows. They ate whatever they could scavenge on the ground. The tiny things that scurried around his feet were insects, and Pinky yanked him back from stepping on a sidewalk crack filled with red and black ‘ants’.

“Fire ants will make your feet itchy and tingly!” he warned. “And not the pleasant kind either!”

Brain committed his warning to memory.

Cars crawled by slowly on the street, packed closely as far as the eye could see. They made odd screeching noises from time to time, the humans inside grumpily slamming their palms against their steering devices.

Lights on every corner controlled the flow of cars. Everyone became furious with red and brightened when it was green. He wasn’t exactly sure what yellow was supposed to do since some cars sped right past and others came to a stop. Regardless, humans were dependent on those lights in their vehicles. It was an interesting observation.

There were plenty of additional rules too, which Pinky was adamant on teaching. Only cross at the white strips at the lights, and only when the red hand changed to the green human. Look left, right, then left again before crossing. Pat your head and rub your belly if you see an out-of-state license plate…well, Brain was pretty sure that wasn’t a safety rule since none of the humans were doing it. Just a Pinky thing then.

Everything was alive, from the structures that creaked on the highest buildings to the scattered pebbles underfoot. While he’d known the planet’s atmosphere carried sound far better than New Selene’s,  experiencing it for himself was nothing short of fascinating. He’d have to research the exact composition that made it all possible later. Energy flowed towards him in all directions, though the daytime thankfully masked his glowing orbs.

Blending in wasn’t difficult either. Humans were more oblivious than he thought.

“Last corner, Brain!” Pinky exclaimed, twirling happily as they waited for the signal to cross the busy intersection. “Then we’re at the mall! You’ll love it! There’s food and clothing and perfume and toys and-“

“Pinky, what exactly is the purpose of a mall?” Brain asked. Pinky had been rather unclear on that. Mostly he’d just been gushing about all the fun things they could do.

“To do fun fun silly-willy things with your friends and look at stuff you can never afford on a lab mouse’s salary, of course!” Pinky replied.

The signal to cross finally appeared, and Pinky skipped merrily across the white strip, nimbly avoiding getting trampled by several humans walking in the opposite direction. Brain walked at a normal pace, keeping his tail close to his body. He didn’t trust the distracted humans to watch where they were going, especially since their handheld devices seemed to hold more importance than avoiding getting run over heavy wheels.

As Brain stepped onto the sidewalk, an odd texture struck him on the head, knocking his sunglasses askew. Several drops of a lukewarm liquid splashing onto his fur. It didn’t hurt, but it was still an unpleasant surprise. The human next to him didn’t notice. He was too busy yelling into his device and gesturing wildly, then stomped off in a huff. He almost trampled Pinky, who barely managed to pull his tail out of the way before the man’s large foot crushed it.

“Well, he was certainly rude. He littered and didn’t say sorry for dropping the cup on your head!” Pinky complained as he helped Brain to his feet, his blue eyes narrowed at the man’s back as he disappeared into the crowd. He cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted in the man’s general direction. “Hey, litterbug! I bet your mom’s older than you! Narf!”  

He gave a firm nod, satisfied with his ludicrous and underwhelming insult.

A furious Pinky. That was an interesting concept, yet anger and Pinky somehow remained mutually exclusive in Brain’s mind.

“Not to worry, Pinky,” Brain said, wiping the liquid away from the base of his antennae. He returned his sunglasses to the proper position. “He’s long gone. I’ve suffered worse.”

Pinky took a deep breath, then took a sniff of the cup’s opening and wrinkled his nose. “Maybe he wouldn’t be so grumpy or litterbuggy if he put more sugar in his cappuccino,” he sighed. “Styrofoam too. Can’t recycle that.”

Dragging the cup over to a nearby garbage can, Pinky hoisted it over his head and trying to stick it through the hole on top. The cup was barely over the rim, Pinky clinging to the metal with one hand and scrabbling for a foothold. He wasn’t giving up without a fight, so Brain grabbed Pinky’s ankles to give him the extra boost needed to push the cup in.

Pinky climbed down once he heard the dull thud from inside the can. “Thanks,” he said gratefully, though he still seemed unusually morose.

Brain walked into a section lined with vegetation and dirt that separated the street from the mall. But Pinky didn’t follow. He was looking into the direction they came from. “The cup’s in the proper place now. Let’s go, Pinky.”

Instead of following Brain, Pinky moved to the curbside, looking down at his feet. Really. Pinky came to the mall for a purpose, however inane it was. He needed to commit to that goal.

Brain growled in frustration, grasping his wayward companion’s wrist and pulling him in the mall’s direction. Pinky stumbled, but hardly budged otherwise. “Quit being stubborn, Pinky. The sun will burn out before you twitch a finger at this rate.”

“But the rest of it…“ Pinky whimpered, pointing to the street.

The road was filled with cups like the one Pinky had just thrown away. Filthy, damp, and unreadable papers lined the curb. A plastic bag tumbled in the wind. There were even a few objects that might’ve been clothing at one point.  

Some people passed them by without a care in the world, others clicked their tongue at the mess but hurried on their way. Two people on the other side of the intersection were clothed in white from head to toe, picking away at the garbage with long sticks and depositing them into large bags.

From the sheer amount of garbage that lined the streets, Brain thought it was a futile effort on their part.

This was one of Terra’s downsides. Its inhabitants were destroying the very planet they lived on. It was one of the few observations the Selenian scientists were accurate about.  

Pinky reached for a mass of papers, a revolting yellowish-green grime covering its surface, but Brain pulled him back before he could touch it.

“Don’t touch that with your bare hands, Pinky,” Brain scolded. “It’s unsanitary.”

Pinky pouted. Now obstinance. He shifted moods rather quickly, didn’t he? It was baffling.

“We gotta take care of Mother Earth, Brain!” Pinky protested as Brain dragged him into the vegetation. “Or there won’t be any pretty flowers to sniff and the acorn and pinecone elves won’t ever set aside their differences to sign that peace treaty!”

“The databank contained many details regarding the pollution of Terra, Pinky,” Brain admitted. “So I’m aware of the issue. But cleaning this one street would take time we can’t spare. You’re being sidetracked from your goal, and I can’t achieve my own objectives either.”

“Wait…” Pinky murmured. “You’re gonna rule soon, aren’t you? So you can definitely protect the world! That’s wonderful, Brain! I know you can do it!”

The sudden shift in mood caught Brain off-guard.  

I can? Brain almost said, but the hope shining in Pinky’s eyes quelled that uncertain response. There was nothing but sincere admiration in that pool of blue, a massive surge of electrons flowing from Pinky’s chest into Brain’s antennae.

He would dare describe the electrons as a positive charge. How? Electrons were supposed to be negative! What kind of anomaly did he have the terrifying pleasure of knowing?

Brain cleared his throat, focusing on the enormous sprawling complex in front of them. Pinky’s blind faith was off-putting, and it was much easier to disregard it. “Of course. I will have unquestionable power in the near-future. Solving these issues will be easier than calibrating an auto-navigation interface.”

Pinky blinked.

“And…I’ll oversee those peace treaty negotiations between the elves.”

Pinky brightened immediately. “Thank you, Brain! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Long arms snagged Brain and lifted him off the ground in an enormous hug. Brain’s feet kicked out, but the warmth Pinky emitted had the strangest subduing effect. Brain’s antennae weren’t obstructed either, just swept back. Apparently, Pinky learned from last time.

Brain’s chest was oddly warm. Or maybe it was Pinky’s. It was hard to know for certain.

“Your orbs are so glowy,” Pinky said in awe.

And they weren’t achieving anything from this display of sentimentality! With some difficulty, Brain reclaimed his right arm and bopped Pinky on top of his empty noggin.

Pinky immediately let go, stumbling around dizzily and startling a nearby sparrow with his loud giggles. Brain landed on the base of his tail, a brief painful twinge travelling up his spine. In hindsight, he didn’t plan that well. At least there wasn’t another kink.

“That was jolly fun, Brain!” Pinky exclaimed upon recovery.

If he ever had the spare time, he was definitely researching the differences between actual Terran phrases and Pinky-isms.

“I’m sure,” Brain sighed, though he wasn’t sure and never would be, but Pinky didn’t need to know that.

They walked into a large, multi-level structure that Pinky called a ‘parking garage’, which housed a large amount of dormant vehicles. It was similar to the traffic they’d passed earlier, but the drivers were elsewhere. They were packed close, almost touching, and Brain wondered how anyone could possibly get in or out in these tight quarters.

Another few inches closer and the drivers would be completely trapped. That idea had potential.

Pinky hopped onto each yellow marking on the ground, arms flailing as he tried to avoid the gray areas in between. Brain followed at a more sedate pace. Then Pinky gasped and straightened up just as he landed on the last yellow marking before the mall entrance, Brain nearly bumping into him.

“Look, Brain! Somebody’s dropped their wallet!” Pinky gasped, hurrying over to a black object lying against the curb. He undid the zipper and glanced inside. “Egad, that’s a lot of money!”

Brain peeked inside. A wad of folded green paper was tucked inside one of the pockets. “A currency-based economy? Selene and its colonies utilized barter systems,” he said.  

Which could be an issue. Brain had originally planned to trade the Conquistador’s spare parts for useful items.

“Oh no, Brain. Currants would get squished in your pants. Then you’d need a really strong stain remover,” Pinky replied. “Besides, this man’s very lucky he can buy so many hats! That’s what I’d do if I had any money!”

He must’ve misheard that. Surely.

“Pinky, tell me you brought the monetary value required for your hat.”

Pinky dug his hand into a fur pocket, but only came out with a piece of fluff. “Hmmm, well, I have some dryer lint! Only money I have is Nicholas the Nickel, and he’s cleaning the cage with—oh.” His ears and tail fell limp under Brain’s glare.

Brain kicked a loose pebble, and it ricocheted harshly off the base of a metal sign. Of all the native species he could’ve chosen for a guide, it just had to be the one individual whose head was denser than a neutron star.

“Sorry, Brain,” Pinky murmured. “I’m not very good at this goal-setting thing, am I?”

He said ‘sorry’ a lot for placation’s sake. But no matter the context, he always sounded sincere. Brain pushed his sunglasses up to his forehead and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Somehow, he couldn’t find it in himself to be irate with Pinky anymore.

“You require more practice,” Brain replied. He glanced at the strange, valuable green papers in the wallet. Funny how they came across the commodity needed at this moment. “However, it’s most fortunate that we should stumble on the item required in trade for your hat.”

The money was all in 20s and 50s, and while Brain was unfamiliar with this currency, he figured there would be enough to spare. He took the money out of the pocket and tucked it under his arm. Then he flipped his sunglasses down, but Pinky tugged the money out of his grip before he could walk off.

“No, Brain! That’s stealing!” Pinky protested, slipping the money back into the wallet. “This rightfully belongs to a Mr. Joe Lamont! We have to take this wallet to Lost and Found now!”

Pinky’s stubborn side came out randomly, it seemed.

“The money is here at your convenience, Pinky. You have to use every asset possible to achieve your goal,” Brain said.

“What if Mr. Lamont needs this?” Pinky tapped a card that displayed a human’s photo along with other identifying information. Then he pointed to a small picture of a man and woman. “What if he needs this for anniversary or birthday presents, or else his wife won’t be happy and he’ll be sad cause he left his wallet somewhere and what if someone picks it up and won’t give it back? Cause that’s just mean!”

“Then he should’ve been more careful with such a valuable item,” Brain snapped. Pinky made a noise of disbelief and turned his back to Brain. “So take one or two of the papers for yourself and give the rest back.”

While he’d prefer to keep the entire wallet for future use, it seemed he would just have to compromise with Pinky.

“He won’t notice.”

“NARF!” Pinky retorted.

His assumption was wrong. Pinky wouldn’t accept a compromise either. It was a losing battle, and as much as hated conceding defeat, no other options presented themselves.

“Fine! Do what makes you happy! See if I care!” Brain shouted at Pinky’s back.

He was only presenting the most logical solution. It wasn’t his fault this idiot wasn’t taking the opportunity! And none of this was helping him find Snowball or conquer Terra either!

“Returning the wallet would make me happy, Brain,” Pinky said with conviction.

“Why?” Brain asked. This wasn’t the type of goal-setting he’d pictured at all.

“It feels right.”

Tasks should be performed with efficiency in mind, not for emotion’s sake. But it seemed that keeping Pinky in his normal euphoric state would be in Brain’s best interest for now.

“Alright, let’s return that wallet. Neither you nor I shall use any of the money for personal reasons. We’re heading to the…Lost and Found?” Brain said reluctantly. He took a deep breath, reminding himself to keep Pinky in a good mood. “You lead the way. I’m not familiar with this locale.”

Pinky faced Brain, and the bright smile was back. Brain looked away. He wasn’t doing this out of altruism, and Pinky needed to learn that.  

“Yup, it’s like the Island of Misfit Toys, but for car keys, jackets, and other things too!” Pinky exclaimed, hoisting the wallet above his head. “And now it’s for Mr. Lamont’s wallet!”

The satellite images never pinpointed a geographical location named the Island of Misfit Toys. Probably situated next to a more prominent landmass then.

“Welcome to Macy’s, Brain!” Pinky cheered as they entered a pristine white building. “For all your expensive brand clothing and Thanksgiving Day needs!”

The store was brightly lit, so Brain kept his sunglasses down. Numerous bottles of varying colors were on display. Women shouted from behind their counters, urging passersby to purchase their products. Most people walked by quickly, looking rather uncomfortable and twitchy until they were far from the display area. Only two women seemed interested at all, spraying misty clouds on tiny strips of paper and sniffing them curiously.

“What are they doing?” Brain whispered as he shuffled closer to Pinky for protection’s sake. There was a predatory gleam in those workers’ eyes, and he didn’t like it one bit.

Even Pinky with his near-perpetual cheer seemed uncomfortable, his fingers anxiously drumming against the wallet. “Poit. Selling perfume. All sorts of lovely scents, but this is definitely why online shopping is more popular these days.”

Before Brain could respond, one of the workers suddenly rushed towards them with a manic smile that showed way too many teeth.

“Hi, you wanna buy some perfume buy one and ya get another half price ‘til May!” she shrieked. Without giving them a chance to respond, she sprayed perfume directly in their faces.

Pink mist engulfed them and obstructed their vision. A pungent scent clogged Brain’s nose, trickling its way down his throat, and he let out a hacking cough to expel it. Pinky’s wheeze suddenly turned into a yelp, and by the time the mist cleared, the woman was walking away with the wallet in hand.

Pinky clung to the wallet desperately, his legs kicking out as he was hoisted into the air. “Please, miss! Brain and I—ehem—Brain and I need to give this wallet to Lost and Found so Mr. Lamont can buy his wife nice presents!”

“Oh, it’s a sizeable wallet you’ve got there too!” the woman exclaimed. Brain found her pitch highly grating. “Let’s see, with money like that you can get lilac, honeysuckle, eau de escargot, a perfume that smells like wet goat hair sponsored by Gwenyth Paltrow-“

“I’m sure they smell lovely, but-“

“Very lovely indeed!” the woman spoke over Pinky, who could only dangle helplessly.

Brain gritted his teeth and hurried after them, shaking off his earlier disorientation. When she stopped to jabber about perfume again, he slammed his tail onto her bare ankle and administered a quick shock. Startled, she dropped Pinky the wallet. Brain darted between her sandals just in time to catch Pinky, who clutched the wallet to his chest, slightly dizzy from his sudden fall.

The perfume bottle was aimed in their direction again.

Brain took off with Pinky in his arms, running as fast as he could when those dreaded sandals got too close for comfort. He allowed Pinky to safekeep the wallet, since he was already so protective of it.

“Relentless scrik!” Brain panted as the woman hurled various sales pitches behind them. Pinky wasn’t heavy, but the wallet was a different story. And Pinky made it look so simple!

Well, Pinky was simple in general. Perhaps it was a distributive effect.  

“Brain, go into the carpeted area!” Pinky shouted. “She can’t follow us out of her department!”

Deciding to trust Pinky’s word, Brain ran straight onto the carpet, barely dodging someone’s shoe in time, and his foot caught on the raised border between the carpet and tile. He fell onto his face, one of the sunglasses’ handles digging into his fur on impact. Pinky and the wallet tumbled across the floor, coming to a stop a short distance away.  

As Pinky predicted, the woman stopped chasing them.

“Annnnd there goes my bonus,” she muttered dejectedly. She slammed the perfume bottle onto a nearby counter, startling a sleepy coworker who toppled off her chair in surprise and plastered on a fake smile for a passing customer. He glanced at her briefly and walked away with a grimace.  

“Sooo…welcome to Macy’s?” Pinky laughed nervously. “On the bright side, we smell like radish roses now!”

Brain threw a button at him.  

o-o-o-o-o

They kept to the corners after that fiasco, hoping to avoid drawing attention to a moving wallet. Pinky marveled at the various styles advertised by a human-like object he called a ‘Manny Kin’. He prattled on about the models and clothing, and Brain tuned him out to better observe the humans.

The younger ones appeared restless and bored out of their minds. The adults often stopped to admire an article of clothing, checked the price, and shook their heads before moving onto the next item. Everyone was dressed in a far more casual style than the clothing on sale.

“Oh, here’s the mall center! It’s where all the real fun happens, Brain!” Pinky said, his tail wagging in excitement. “Plus, the Lost and Found is just beyond this store. We’ll make Mr. Lamont happy in no time!”

Instead of a back wall, there was a large, doorless opening that led out of the store. Pinky danced his way across the boundary with a cheerful goodbye to the Macy’s sign. As Brain stepped into the wide open space, he was astounded by the sheer scale of the mall center.

He’d expected a plain corridor that connected different sections, not a massive space with a roof that appeared to touch the sky. The population density was much higher than in Macy’s, humans loudly chatting among themselves, shouting at consumers to purchase wares, and swinging large bags from their arms.

There were two floors above their heads, connected to the ground by staircases and escalators. The escalators seemed by far the popular choice for people moving between floors. Brain felt dizzy just looking at that open space above them, and he decided to focus only straight ahead for now.

Dozens of smaller stores lined the walls. Most of them sold clothes like Macy’s, and Brain couldn’t fathom why humans needed so many stores just to sell clothes. A fresh, rich scent wafted through the air, and though it was much more pleasant than the perfume, it made him somewhat famished as well.

“Look, Brain! The cookie shop! Don’t they smell divine?” Pinky asked with a dreamy sigh. “They taste delicious too!”

“Another one of your foods?” Brain asked, though it fell on deaf ears. Pinky had gone over to the display case, practically drooling on it as he admired the cookies inside, the wallet leaning against his side.

Brain stood on the other side of the wallet, just in case anyone had any ideas about stealing it.

At first, Brain thought the cookies were classified by ingredient, but one of the groups was labelled ‘snickerdoodle’ and Brain was of the opinion that no sane planet in the universe would ever call anything by that strange moniker.

“Let’s be on our way, Pinky,” Brain said, because there wasn’t anything productive he could do while his Terran guide was staring longingly at cookies. “That wallet won’t return itself.”

“Okay, Brain…” Pinky said forlornly. His hands squeaked sadly against the glass, but before he could pick up the wallet, a woman came out from behind the counter, her dark hair tied back in a bun. She approached them with a napkin in one hand.

Brain grabbed Pinky’s hand and the wallet, tensing up in case he had to yank them away at a moment’s notice.

But the woman made no move to snatch the wallet. She only squatted next to them and held out the napkin, revealing two small pieces of cookies. “Free sample?” she asked. “They’re fresh out of the oven.”

“Thanks so much...Laura!” Pinky read the name tag pinned to her shirt, then snatched up one of the pieces and shoved it into his mouth. Crumbs stained his muzzle. “Narrrrf! That was dee-lish!”

Cautiously, Brain took the second piece and bit into it. Sweetness flooded his taste buds, and he quickly finished his portion, the cookie melting in his mouth. If anything, Pinky had understated how delicious it tasted.

“It’s exquisite,” he said to Laura, who beamed right back.

“Glad you enjoyed it!” Laura said. She provided them with wet napkins so they could rid themselves of the remaining crumbs, and they left the cookie shop behind.

“She was so nice, Brain!” Pinky said, safeguarding the wallet once again. “Sugar cookies are my favorites! Well, after chocolate chip and macadamia and snickerdoodle-“

Brain nodded. “She didn’t steal anything while our guard was down. Count that in your definition of ‘nice’.”

Thankfully, they didn’t have to walk far to get to the Lost and Found. Brain hoped to put this wallet nonsense behind them in the next half hour. They had objectives to fulfill.

The Lost and Found was in a hallway that led to an exit from the mall, and Brain made a mental note of its location. He refused to set foot in that Macy’s ever again.

A podium was situated in front of the doors, and the worker behind it nervously held out a box to an irate man in a formal suit similar to the merchandise at Macy’s. He snatched the box and threw several articles of clothing and various lost items to the ground.

Pinky lifted the wallet above his head, his feet tapping in excitement. “That’s the man! He looks exactly like his pictures!”

Mr. Lamont was practically tearing the box apart without any regard for the other lost belongings, and the worker’s eyes were wide with fear. That didn’t bode well. Brain grabbed Pinky’s tail, but it slipped out of his grasp. The idiot had no sense of impending danger and walked right up to the belligerent man.

“You’re hiding it, aren’t you?” Mr. Lamont snarled, slamming his hand against the podium. The worker cowered behind his chair. “Hand over my wallet this instant, or you’ll be out of a job.”

The worker paled.

Brain rushed over to try and pull Pinky back. Mr. Lamont hadn’t noticed them yet. There was still a chance they could slip the wallet among the other items and leave without detection.

“Hi, Mr. Lamont! You dropped your wallet in the parking garage!” Pinky greeted. “Me and my friend here were just taking it to Lost and Found, and what a coinkydink we’d find you here too! Isn’t that great?”

Pinky held the wallet up expectantly, that silly smile never leaving his face.

Mr. Lamont snatched the wallet out of Pinky’s hands, wrinkling his nose haughtily.

“You’re welcome!” Pinky chirped, then happily turned to Brain. “We did it!”  

Pinky had done most of the work, but if he wanted to share credit, Brain chose not to correct him. “Yes. Now we may return to what we originally-“

Mr. Lamont’s foot slammed into Pinky’s side, too fast for Brain to shout a warning. Pinky yelped as he was thrown into a wall. There he laid in a crumpled heap, hands wrapped around his abdomen for protection.

“How much did you take, thief?” Mr. Lamont spat. He cast a looming shadow over Pinky, who whimpered in pain, tears forming in pitiful blue eyes.  

It was such a foreign appearance for the idiotic but kindhearted mouse.

A strange fury overtook Brain, one that was much different from dealing with troublesome ships, arguing with Snowball, or frustration with his current predicament. It brewed in the depth of his stomach and spread through the rest of his body.

Brain whipped off his sunglasses, placing himself firmly between Pinky and the ungrateful reprobate.

“He stole nothing from you,” Brain growled. “Count the money yourself, you repugnant excuse of an organism, unless your mind has degraded far beyond the ability to perform simple arithmetic.”

“And just who do you think you are?” Mr. Lamont sneered.  

Brain crossed his arms proudly. He refused to cower before the Terran. “A genetically enhanced Selenian mos seeking dominion over your world.”

And when all was said and done, Mr. Lamont would be bowing down to him.

But that glorious fantasy was cut short. Brain saw the black sole of a shoe, there was a forceful pressure against his body. His limbs refused to cooperate. He couldn’t reach his tail for self-defense, his heart pumping faster and faster until it couldn’t compensate for the lack of electrons anymore-

The crushing pressure vanished.

Faraway voices blended together, one angry, one meek, and one familiar.

Someone lifted his head, a gentle hand moving his antennae aside, then slowly pushed his head down until he rested against soft fabric. Brain’s fingers twitched. His full mobility would take several minutes to return, but this wasn’t a terrible position to wait it out.

A drop of moisture fell on his face, followed by several more.

Rain?

He’d heard of that particular climate pattern, but had never seen it in action before.

Brain opened his eyes, craning his neck to see this curious phenomenon. But he was met with Pinky’s tearful gaze instead.

He’d learned much of Terran culture during this expedition, but was it really worth all these ridiculous emotions?

“Stop dampening my fur with your lacrimal ducts, Pinky,” Brain said, his voice hoarse.

Pinky managed a giggle, inanity that was far more preferable to all this crying. “Sorry, Brain. I don’t have any milk. But are you okay? P-p-poit.”

“I’ll need several minutes to recuperate. Then I’ll be ready.” Brain felt his cheeks heat up from the proximity. Mobility returned to his right leg, and he couldn’t wait for this mortifying close contact to be over. “Where’s Mr. Lamont?”

Pinky scowled at the name, an expression that looked odd on him, but not wholly unwelcome. “Mr. Lameany called you vermin and left with his wallet. But you’re not vermin, Brain! You’re my best friend!”

A childish insult. He’d have to teach Pinky about using more sophisticated language.

“And you…are Pinky,” he sighed, patting Pinky’s arm.

Pinky smiled brightly. At least Brain could strive towards one of his objectives. They weren’t quite through with business at the mall though. He’d have to tough it out.

But for now, he settled back against Pinky, who happily taught him the age-old Terran method of settling arguments known as rock-paper-scissors.

AN: FINISHED AT LAST.

I am not making stuff up as I write I totally had a plan for this fic y’all can’t prove nothing.

Brain gets to learn good and bad stuff about Terra, poor Pinky gets hurt. These mice can’t even go the mall without something happening, can they?

[northvieweyecare]

Choosing the Right Pair of Ray Ban Sunglasses in Orangeville

While a pair of good sunglasses protects our eyes from the harmful UV rays of the sun and also prevents dirt, dust, and other particles from entering our eyes, it's also a style statement on a sunny day that helps you transform your look. It is the perfect finishing touch to your summer outfits.

 But considering the fact how sunglasses protect your eyes from dust, pollution, harmful UV rays, and glare, you should always consider buying a pair of good sunglasses from reliable sunglasses brands like Ray-Ban that offer 100% assurance of premium quality products. And in case you're an athlete or engage in such a profession that makes you spend a considerable part of the time out in the sun, then you might as well consider going for polarized sunglasses. These pair of glasses are uniquely designed to filter out brightness that distorts vision. Ray-Ban has a wide range of polarized sunglasses that provides prim and proper vision and also protect the pair of eyes from any damages in the long run.

 With changing times and an ever-growing range of collections to choose from, eyewear fads keep changing. Although wayfarers and aviators continued to be the classic choice over the years, now, round and square-shaped glasses are best suited to keep up with the trend. Located in Orangeville, if you’re on the lookout to invest in a decent pair of sunglasses, then be ready to be spoilt with choices. Countless stores and eye care centers are selling Ray-Ban sunglasses in Orangeville.

 Choosing stylish polarized sunglasses in Orangeville may seem to be an effortless task, but it's not! There are several factors that one should consider when buying the right pair of sunglasses. Things like the shape of your face, hair color, skin tone, etc. should be accounted for. So, read on to gain in-depth knowledge about how to choose the perfect Ray-Ban sunglasses in Orangeville that gels in well with the shape of your face and the features that you should consider when buying sunglasses.

 Different Sunglasses for Different Face Shapes:

 Oval-Shaped Faces: Oval-shaped faces are the best-shaped faces, as all the facial features have balanced proportions. So, people with these kinds of faces may as well go with those kinds of glasses that have wider frames to match the broadest portion of the oval-shaped face. There are countless stores and eye care centers that have these walnut-shaped Ray-Ban sunglasses in Orangeville, and you can choose the ones that suit you the best.

 Heart-Shaped Faces: If you visualize the heart shape, you will understand that these kinds of faces have a wide top that tapers at the base, which goes very well with eyeglass frames that have wider bottoms. Rimless, thin and light-colored designer polarized sunglasses in Orangeville with a classy appearance blend well with these face types.

 Square-Shaped Faces: People with square-shaped faces i.e., broad forehead and strong jawline of almost the same length and width, may try such sunglasses that are wide with narrow designer frames to mollify the angles.

 Round-Shaped Faces: Round-shaped faces are uniformly proportioned with no sharp angles. So, to make such faces appear longer and thinner, narrow designer Ray-Ban sunglasses with wider frames are the best.

 Best Eyewear for your Skin Tone, Eye Color and Hair Color

 Skin Tone: There are two types of skin tone – warmand cool. Cream, yellow or, peach complexioned skin are usually categorized as warm skin tones, and the ones with pink or blue undertones are considered as cool tones.

 Hair Color: Like skin tone, hair colors can also be categorized as warm and cool. The common ones like blonde, white, ash, salt-n-pepper, blue-black are some of the cooler shades. Strawberry and platinum also fall under the cool category. While golden blond, brownish-black, golden brown, dirty grey the warmer ones.

 Once you get to know your skin tone and hair color and as to whether you fall under the cool or warm category, you should be able to select the best pair of sunglasses for yourself. Ray-Ban sunglasses in Orangeville with frames in copper, gold, orange, peach, off-white, coral and blond tortoise are a few of the best choices for warmer tones. On the other hand, the best glass frames for the cool category are silver, pink, plum, magenta, rose-brown, blue, jade, and darker tortoise.

 Top Features to be considered when buying Ray-Ban Sunglasses in Orangeville

 Protection from UV Rays: This is one of the topmost priorities when buying Ray-Ban Sunglasses in Orangeville. You must ensure that your sunglass has the potential to give you the necessary protection against UV rays. It's best to go with sunglasses that have anti-reflective features or polarized lenses that help in reducing the glare.

 Material: A majority of the Polarized Sunglasses in Orangeville are made of plastic, but the type of plastic being used makes a huge difference. It is always advisable to choose such glasses that use light weight plastic, but are durable, as they're less likely to break and injure your eyes.

 Perfect Fit: Apart from the aesthetics and durability, the perfect fit is another crucial factor to be considered. Your new pair of sunglasses should fit in perfectly well with the lens aligned to the center of your eyes and you should feel comfortable wearing it. The way your Ray-Ban Sunglasses in Orangeville fits affects the efficiency when it comes to defending your eyes.

 Shape: While there are many designer-shaped sunglasses available in the market, but when choosing Polarized sunglasses in Orangeville, make sure to choose the one that suits the best with the shape of your face. Apart from wayfarer and cat-eye or aviator, there are athletic sunglasses that are slimmer and fit comfortably, and work the best when it comes to preventing your eyes from the harmful UV rays.

 To cut a long story short, when shopping for Ray-Ban Sunglasses in Orangeville or Polarized Sunglasses in Orangeville, make sure to choose the best pair that fits in well, makes you feel comfortable and most importantly protects your eyes from the UV rays. It may sound trivial, but choosing the right pair of sunglasses goes a long way to protect your eyes and keep them in good health.

[bubblemoon66]

In The Dark: A Skulduggery Pleasant Fanfiction [1/2]

Rating: T for Adult Language and Mild Violence Pairing: Skulduggery Pleasant/Valkyrie Cain Genre: Action/Adventure, Hurt/Comfort, Romance Wordcount: 6,667 Summary: Valkyrie is temporarily blinded while working a case with Skulduggery. Notes: This fic was written to fill a prompt posted on the Valduggery Kinkmeme dreamwidth community. It takes place after Resurrection. Most of it was written before Midnight came out, so it's inconsistent with that and any later books.

You can also read this fic on: AO3, FF.net and Wattpad. 

There was nothing unusual about Coach Street. It was a typical residential street on the outskirts of Dublin. A sea of redbrick and concrete. Where the terraced houses opened up directly onto the narrow pavement, and parked cars straddled the curb. The roads here were quiet, but not deserted. A few kids were kicking around a football at the end of the street. They looked up as the Bentley pulled up in front of number forty-four.

"This is it?" Valkyrie asked, peering through the tinted glass of the car window.

"This is it," Skulduggery confirmed.

"Looks normal."

"Looks can be deserving."

She turned her eyes back to him and watched as he loosened his tie and unbuttoned a few shirt buttons. He tapped the sigils carved into his collarbones. A face flowed up over his skull. It wasn't a bad face. Dark hair, dark skin, and dark eyes complemented the familiar square jaw and sharp cheekbones.

"You're staring," he said.

"I'm not," she said, pointedly looking away, "I'm just wondering."

"About?"

What the hell we're doing.

"Why you haven't referred this case to the Sanctuary. A maybe-missing-persons isn't exactly a priority for us with Abyssinia on the loose."

"Her sister says she anti-Sanctuary. Sending one of their detectives to check if she's at home could lead to trouble."

She looked back at him in time to see him finish buttoning up his shirt. "And?"

Skulduggery shrugged, "If she is anti-Sanctuary maybe she's found her way to Abyssinia. It could be a lead."

"Maybe," Valkyrie conceded. "But we have other leads we could be working on."

"But none of them live ten minutes away. Are you ready to go?"

"Hold on."

She reached over the gearbox and straightened Skulduggery's tie. It was becoming a habit. She wasn't sure if he was leaving it dishevelled on purpose or whether having his murderous ex back in town was playing on his mind. She would have fixed it either way.

"There. Now I'm ready,"

He smiled. A flash of familiar teeth behind unfamiliar lips.

They got out of the Bentley, ignoring the Resident's Parking Only sign, and looked up at number forty-four. The blinds were drawn - which was a little unusual for three in the afternoon, but nothing to write home about. In the corner of the ground-floor window, Valkyrie spotted a small symbol etched into the glass. She pointed it out to Skulduggery.

"Reinforcement sigil. It strengthens the glass, stops anyone breaking in that way," he explained.

"Nifty. Maybe I should get one of China's apprentices to add some to the Oompa Loompa."

He shook his head, "Bad idea. Reinforcement sigils will stop people breaking in, but they'll also stop you breaking out in an emergency. Stick with a car alarm. It's safer."

There were more sigils on the front door. She recognised these ones: anti-teleporter sigils. They were a common feature of mage-owned homes. Nothing to be concerned about. What did concern her, however, was the ajar front door. In all of Valkyrie's years of being a detective, an ajar front door had never been a good sign. She was willing to bet this time would be no different.

She looked at Skulduggery, and he looked back at her. They'd done this enough times not to need to words. He stepped to left, she to the right. He drew his revolver, she reached for the shock stick strapped to her back. He nodded and she shouldered the door open.

The hallway was empty. The house was quiet.

There was a door to their left and a staircase straight ahead. A long carpet runner covered most of the wooden floor. The walls were white, unadorned.

Valkyrie stepped into the house, Skulduggery following close behind.

There weren't any signs of a fight in here. No blood splatters or bullet holes, no scratches or scorch marks. No dust or cobwebs or mail piling in the doorway either; which meant someone had been here recently.

What there was, was a security camera on the ceiling. One of those small round ones that followed you around the room. Black and white, with a little red dot to show it was recording.

Valkyrie didn't voice any of her observations because she had no doubt Skulduggery had already noticed them and noticed that she'd noticed. Instead, they shared another terse look.

"Victoria? Victoria Ruse?" Skulduggery called out, his voice reverberating throughout the house. "It's Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain of the Arbitrator Corps. Your sister sent us. We'd like to have a word with you."

Nobody answered. The little red light continued to shine.

Valkyrie took another step forward, onto the rug.

The door behind them slammed shut. She startled and turned. A faint blue light glowed around the edges of the front door.

Skulduggery tried the handle. It turned, but the door didn't open. His facade looked uneasy. Brows knit, eyes narrowed, the slight biting of his lower lip. China had done a good job on the details of his expression. She wondered, briefly, if the rest of his full body was facade was as detailed, and then pushed the thought aside.

"Barricade sigil," he concluded.

She jerked her head towards the camera on the ceiling. "You think someone up there activated it?"

He shook his head. "Whoever activated it would have to be nearby, either right behind us or..."

"Or?" she prompted.

"Or in this room."

She was too old to for ominous statements like that to send a shiver down her spine, but her spine didn't listen.

"There's no one else in the room," she said. It was a painfully obvious statement, but one she needed to hear aloud to reassure her.

"There's us," he said. "And there's a rug underneath us."

It took her a second. Then she took a step back, off the carpet runner. Crouching down, she lifted a corner up. A sigil carved in the floorboards glowed by her feet - the same faint blue as the door.

"Clever bastard," she said, under her breath. And then louder: "Can we disable it?

Skulduggery crouched down beside her and traced the sigil with his gloved fingertip. After a moment, he shook his head.

"No. While I'm sure China could, I don't know how to neutralise this particular variant."

"Okay. So, we can't get out the front door. And the bay window is unbreakable. There's probably a backdoor or an upstairs window we can get out through if we need to."

"Assuming they're not also protected."

She shrugged, which felt a little awkward crouched down with one hand still raised above her head. "Hope for the best. Expect the worst."

"Expect the worse..." he echoed. The worry lines deepened. "Let go of the rug."

She did. The rug remained standing, and then slowly lifted off the floor as Skulduggery manipulated the air beneath it.

There were more sigils carved into the floorboards, where the rug had been, not yet activated.

"I don't know what half these sigils mean," Skulduggery said. "But I recognise a few of them. Do you see that squiggly one by the foot of the stairs?"

"The one that kind of looks like a ram without legs? Yeah, I see it."

"That's the sigil for incinerate."

Valkyrie swallowed, "I'm guessing stepping on it would be a bad idea."

"A very bad idea, unless you like the idea of being a pile ash."

"Duly noted. So, did Victoria Ruse go overkill on her home security or do you think we need to add her name to the list of people trying to kill us?"

"I doubt Victoria Ruse even exists. She was probably just a, well, ruse."

"And we fell for it."

"Unfortunately."

Very very gently Skulduggery lowered the rug. She winced as it touched the floor, half expecting it to burst into flame, but it didn't. That was good. She wasn't keen on being locked in a burning building.

Skulduggery stood and edged towards the door on the left, keeping close to the wall. Valkyrie followed close behind, careful not to set foot on the rug.

The camera swivelled, keeping its lens on them. Was someone monitoring their location, getting ready to jump out at them as they rounded a corner or climbed up the stairs? Or were they hoping to record Skulduggery and Valkyrie's grisly deaths? Living Skeleton and Battle Accessory Spontaneously Combust - that would be a hit on the Global Link. It might even make it onto youtube.

Whatever the reason, Valkyrie didn't appreciate being watched. She reached up and prodded the camera with the tip of the shock stick. There was an angry zap. Sparks flew and then the red light died. Satisfied, she put the stick away, strapping it securely to her back. It would be easier to keep her balance with her hands-free.

Skulduggery gave her an approving look. His gloved hand hovered over the door handle.

"Ready?" he asked, in a low voice.

"Ready,"

He twisted the handle and threw open the door, gun at the ready.

The room was empty.

Sunlight spilled through gaps in the blinds of the bay window; illuminating the sigils carved into the floor and walls. They covered every square inch of space. So densely packed, there was no chance of entering the room without stepping on one. She could even see a sigil carved onto the light switch by the door.

"It's a good thing we didn't come at night," she said. It was all too easy to imagine stepping into the room in the dark and dying some horrible agonising way.

He grunted a response and put away his gun.

Valkyrie took another look around the room. It was devoid of all furniture. There had been a fireplace once, but it had been sealed off at some point. On the wall opposite the window, was an open archway leading to the kitchen. There was a camera on the ceiling, identical to the one Valkyrie had short-circuited. It watched them, red light taunting her.

"We'll have to fly if we want to have a closer look. Are you up for it?"

"As long as you do the flying. My control over magic is still shaky. And I don't trust myself not to fall flat on my ass."

"Your control over magic is going to remain shaky if you never use it."

She knew he was right, but her magic was still a touchy subject. "I can practice when we're not playing the world's deadliest game of the-floor-is-lava. So, beam me up, Scotty."

He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her close. His hip pressed against hers. She had the urge to rest her head on his shoulder but resisted. They rose an inch off the ground and drifted into the front room. As they passed underneath the camera, Valkyrie reached up and tore it from the ceiling. Exposed wires sparked. She put the electronic's remains in her jacket pocket, not wanting to risk dropping them on the sea of sigils below.

They hovered into the backroom, a kitchen that looked like it had come straight from a 1980s showroom. Or it would have if someone hadn't taken a knife and carved magical symbols in it from top to bottom. They took their time, looking around. A lot of the symbols repeated - maybe the carver didn't enough symbols to fill a whole house. Skulduggery pointed out the ones he recognised. Electrocute. Cut. Blemish. That last one, apparently, resulted in a lot of painful warts across the activator's body. The majority of sigils remained a mystery, but she thought she got the gist.

"Whoever did this-" Skulduggery began, gesturing towards the room. "Must have built an escape route to get out. They would have started in one corner, and worked their way around the house without backtracking on themselves."

"Would we know an know an escape route if we saw one?" she asked. "That sigil on the backdoor could say 'exit here' for all I know. And your knowledge of symbol magic isn't much better than mine."

"The person who built this house isn't likely to know that. They'll have built an escape route under the assumption that we would be clever enough to recognise one. Which means that it will be well hidden, the one sigil we aren't supposed to stumble across. All we have to do is find it."

"Unless they left via the front door," she pointed out.

Skulduggery shook his head. "And risk cornering themselves if they set off the barricade sigil? No, if you're going to go to the trouble of designing a trap like this, you're going to make sure there's a way to get out."

Valkyrie snorted, "I know you have an annoying habit of being right about these kinds of things. But you're making it sound like a Bond villain designed this place."

A thoughtful looked crossed Skulduggery's facade. "You know, now that I think about it, I would make a good Bond. I've got the Bentley, the constantly changing face, the-."

"Do not say Bond girl."

"I wasn't going to."

"But you were thinking it."

"I was going to say charm and intelligence."

A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. "Of course you were."

They drifted towards the stairs, and then up. At first glance, the stairs appeared to have escaped the sigil carver's blade. Then, two-thirds of the way up she spotted a complex series of symbols carved into the baseboard. They lit up, a pale yellow, as Skulduggery and Valkyrie approached.

"These ones aren't pressure activated," Valkyrie said. That worried her. So far the house had been a one trick show, but this was proof that whoever had designed this house was craftier than she had initially thought.

Skulduggery studied the symbols carefully, unease tugging at his facade again. He took a pen from his pocket and dropped it. It fell straight through the step in front of them. There was a metal clang from below.

"Illusion sigils," he said. "Motion activated or magic activated, I can't tell which."

Valkyrie grimaced. "This is going to get ugly, isn't it?"

"Probably,"

They floated the rest of the way upstairs. The floors and walls on the landing were bare. But there was another reinforcement sigil etched into the window's glass. Like the rest of the house, it was devoid of furniture. There were three doors, all closed. Another camera on the ceiling, its lens trailing them. Identical to others, except for-

She grabbed Skulduggery's arm, "Wait!"

He froze.

"Up there," she said, pointing. "There's a sigil carved onto the base of the camera."

"I see it. I don't recognise it. Presumably, we'll find out what it does if we get close enough."

Valkyrie pulled the broken camera from her pocket, "One way to find out."

She tossed it. The camera on the ceiling dissolved into a rain of acid. It hissed, catching the broken camera in midair. The acid burned through it, then began to eat away at the floor. There was a sharp, chemical smell, strong enough to make her eyes smart. A cross between a car battery and rotten eggs.

Her nose crinkled, "How do you even carve a sigil like that without setting it off?"

"Very carefully, I imagine."

"You have no idea, do you?"

"None whatsoever."

"You know, there was a time I used to think you knew everything."

"Ah, the good old days. I remember them fondly."

Valkyrie couldn't resist giving Skulduggery a light jab with her elbow. "I'm not sure I'd go with days. Hours maybe. Or minutes."

"And what a wonderful few minutes they were," he said, wistfully. "But enough reminiscing. We have work to do."

They glided over the newly formed hole in the floor and inspected the rest of the landing. They took there time, examining every inch. But there wasn't anything too inspect. Just the doors, waiting to be opened.

"Are you ready to see what's behind door number one?" Valkyrie asked, in her best Monty Hall impression.

Skulduggery gave her A Look that she could have read even without the facade activated, and opened the door.

There was a bathroom behind door number one. Like the kitchen, it was old but pristine. And like the kitchen, there were sigils carved into fixtures. The same sigil this time, repeated over and over again. Even the toilet had the careful spiral pattern chiseled into the tank.

The symbols pulsed with red light. Once. Skulduggery's grip around her waist tightened. Twice. He was moving them down the hall, away from the open doorway. Then the light pulsed a third time.

For a millisecond more, there was a bathroom behind door number one. And then there wasn't. Instead, there was an explosion of heat and sound and pressure.

Just in time, Valkyrie screwed her eyes shut and threw her arms up to shield her face. Debris hit her. The armored clothes she was wearing absorbed most of the impact. But her hands were exposed, and shrapnel embedded itself in skin. She would have cried out, but the blast had sucked the air from her lungs. It felt like she had been hit by a giant wave. The force would have knocked her off her feet had she been standing on them, but she wasn't so she remained upright.

The wave ebbed. The temperature dropped. Her ears popped. Valkyrie gasped and spluttered and found air. Then she lowered her arms and opened her eyes. They were at the other end of the hallway now, back by the stairs. Dust filled the landing. Bits of wood, glass, and porcelain littered the floor. Skulduggery let go of her waist and turned her to face him.

His mouth was moving, but it took a while for the words to reach her.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

His voice was fuzzy like he was speaking through a phone with bad reception.

"Alive," Valkyrie managed, before breaking into another coughing fit.

Skulduggery waved a hand and the dust cleared. She could see him clearly now. He didn't look good. His suit was in ruins. The waxy skin of his facade had been torn in a dozen places. The cuts didn't bleed but she could see bone beneath the long one on his cheek. A large jagged piece of porcelain was sticking out of his neck, where his thyroid would have been if he'd had one.

"Are you okay?" she asked. Her own voice sounded distant too.

"Dead, but I'll get by."

Valkyrie tried to force a smile, but couldn't quite manage it. She couldn't take he eyes of the four inches of ceramic embedded in his neck. It could have killed him. It would have killed him. If he hadn't already been dead, this would have... Oh, god.

"Valkyrie?"

"You have a..." she let her voice trail off, she didn't want to say it. "Hold on."

Grasping the porcelain between her thumb and forefinger, she drew it out of his neck with a sympathetic wince. It was sickeningly long. She dropped it and it shattered against the floor. Her fingertips traced a path down his collar. She undid the top two buttons and slipped her hands under his shirt. The cuts on her hands left bloodstains on the fabric, but that didn't matter, the shirt was ruined anyway. She tapped the sigils on his collarbones and the lacerated face flowed away, revealing the skull underneath.

Her shoulders sagged. He was fine. Could-haves and would-haves didn't matter. They'd had dozens of near misses over the years. And dwelling wouldn't do anyone any good.

"We need to get out of here," Valkyrie murmured.

She wasn't sure if Skulduggery heard her. She couldn't hear it herself. It didn't need a reply anyway.

The leftover adrenaline was making her hands tremble. Skulduggery took her them in his own and gently pried them away from his chest. He removed a dozen splinters from each of her hands. Some small, some large, none of them as bad as his. Neither of them spoke.

There were new nicks on his bones. Their proximity gave her the opportunity to study them, and her pain an excuse. The one on his cheekbone was from the explosion. But the one in his eye socket he must have gotten during her self-inflicted exile. He hadn't told her how. She supposed it was because he didn't want to worry her. Or guilt her. Of course, she'd stewed in worry and guilt regardless.

"Thanks," Valkyrie said when he pulled out the last of her splinters.

He let go of her hands. She reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out one of her blessed pain-numbing leaves.

"We'll find some antiseptic and get those cuts cleaned, as soon as we get out of here," he promised.

She nodded. Her mouth busy chewing on the leaves.

Then she glanced at what had been the bathroom, wondering if that was their ticket out of this house of horrors. The room was barely recognisable now. Only the walls and window were still intact. More reinforce sigils, no doubt. They weren't getting out that way. Which meant they'd have to try one of the other doors now.

"This one next?" she said, indicating the nearest door with a jerk of her head.

"I'll open it. You stay here, in case there's another explosion," Skulduggery said, lowering both of them to the ground. "It'll be easier for me to manoeuvre out of the way if I'm on my own.

A part of Valkyrie wanted to protest, to insist she could do it instead, but she didn't. She already knew how that argument would play out, blow for blow. When it came down to it, he could survive being stabbed in the neck, and she couldn't.

"Fine," she grunted.

Skulduggery tilted his head. "Really? You usually argue with me about these sorts of things."

"We had that argument in my head already, and I lost."

"I see. That's very... efficient of you."

She shrugged. "That's me, Ms. Efficiency."

"Well..okay." There was an awkward pause before he asked, "Did I make an impassioned speech about how everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and how my strengths made me the best person for this job?"

"You did."

"And I touched upon how modesty is one of my many strengths?"

"Of course."

"Was there a bit about how much I value you?"

"Naturally."

"And I was the perfect blend of witty and touching, was I?"

"Yep."

"Right. Good. That's good. I suppose we should get on with it then."

She took a few steps back. Near enough to the door that she could rush to his aid. Far enough to the side that she would escape the worst shock-waves if there was another explosion.

"Ready when you are," she said.

He reached for the door handle, then hesitated, unusually uncertain. "Are you sure there's nothing you want to say?"

"I'm good."

"Okay."

"Okay."

Neither of them moved. Valkyrie's muscles were tense. The same tension was in Skulduggery's stance. It was in the space between them.

"Skulduggery?"

"Yes?"

There were several things she could have said. She settled with: "Don't you dare die and leave me here alone."

That seemed to satisfy him. He opened the door.

Nothing happened.

Valkyrie counted to ten in her head. Still nothing.

Skulduggery reached for another pen in his jacket and tossed it into the room. She counted another ten seconds. Nadda.

He took a cautious step forward, into the room. She counted to five this time and then joined him in the doorway.

Another empty room. Sigils on the floor and walls, inactive for now. The symbols were more spaced out than they had been downstairs. They wouldn't have to hover over them, just step carefully.

"I thought I convinced you to stay in the hallway," Skulduggery said.

"You did. And I stayed there for 25 seconds. There wasn't an explosion. So now I'm going to make sure you don't walk under an acid shower."

"I'm guessing if I try to convince you to wait in the hall, you'll tell me you've already played out this conversation in your head and you won."

"Yep."

"Alright," he conceded. "Let's find this escape route."

Skulduggery went first, Valkyrie close behind.

There was another camera on the ceiling. It didn't appear to be booby-trapped, but she left it alone because there was another blemish sigil directly underneath it. The window overlooking the garden was reinforced like the others. Several incinerate sigils were carved into the floor. She stepped around one and turned to look behind her.

There was a blinding flash of white light. She cried out, tried to shield her eyes, the pain overwhelming. And then everything went dark. Her eyes burned. She rubbed them in desperation, trying to make the pain stop. It didn't work. Her eyelids felt like sandpaper. Tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Valkyrie?!"

"Skulduggery?! Skulduggery, I can't see!"

She could hear the panic in her voice. How shrill it sounded. Her breath came too quick, too heavy.

"It's alright. It's fine. Don't move. I'm going to lift you off the ground. You're standing too close to a sigil."

Her feet left the floor. Primal instinct told her to kick, to get away. Her leg collided with something solid. Steady grabbed her wrists, pulling them away from her face. She forced herself not to fight back.

"Valkyrie, listen to me," Skulduggery said, voice reassuring. "It's okay. You're okay. But you need to stop rubbing your eyes. You're going to make them worse."

She laughed. It was one of those short hysterical I-Can't-Belive-This-Is-Happening laughs. She hated that kind of laugh, but it couldn't be helped. "I can't see, Skulduggery."

Waves of terror threatened to drown her. She struggled to fight it. Struggled for air.

"I know," he said, "You looked at a blinding sigil. But the effects are temporary. You're going to be fine."

She tried to focus on his voice. The tone was soothing, the calm to her storm. Regulate the breathing. That was key. Pushing down the pain. Push down the panic attack. Deal with those later. If he says you're fine, you're fine.

Skulduggery let go of her wrists. "Do you have any more of your leaves?"

She nodded. Not trusting herself to speak without the hysteria yet. Her hands were shaking again, but she managed to find the leaves in her pocket and shove them into her mouth. She wasn't supposed to take that many but she didn't care.

Skulduggery wiped the tears on her face away with his gloved fingertips.

It took a few minutes for the leaves to kick in. It took a few minutes more for her heart rate to steady.

"How long?" she asked.

Skulduggery didn't answer. She could feel the weight of the question between them. She knew he knew what she meant. They didn't have to explain themselves to each other. It was reluctance stopping him from answering, not ignorance.

"How long does this blinding sigil last, Skulduggery?" She let anger creep into her voice. It was easier to be angry than afraid.

There was another long pause, then: "Three days. Maybe four."

"Fuck. Fuck! Four days! I can't do this. I can't wait that long."

Her hands rose to try and rub the gritty feeling out of her eyes.

Skulduggery caught her wrists again. "That will slow down you're recovery time."

"Fuck," she repeated. Swearing seemed to help with the lingering pain. "How are we going to get out of here now?"

"We keep looking for an escape route. There's still another room to search, and if it's not there we'll do another sweep of the house."

"And what if there isn't an escape route?"

"There will be. And if we can't find one; we'll find a way to make one. I will get us out of here, Valkyrie, I promise you."

The tone was self-assured, leaving no room for debate. She wanted to believe him. She had to believe him - the alternative would be to give in to despair and that was not a road she wanted to travel again.

Valkyrie took a deep breath and put on her brave face. "When we get out of here, I'm going to find Victoria Ruse or whoever the fuck did this, and I'm going to kick them very hard in the teeth."

She hoped the camera watching them had a microphone. She wanted them to hear the anger in her voice. She wanted them to know that she wasn't afraid - but they should be.

"That's the spirit," he said, brightly. "We should get moving."

He let go of her wrists and snaked an arm around her waist. This time she gave into the urge and let he head rest on his shoulder. It was a comforting feeling. He squeezed her tighter. They moved through the air together, in their half-hug.

Her brave face faltered. Visions of acid rain and explosions plagued her. A death she wouldn't see coming. The lack of control terrified her, but she wouldn't let it rule her. Trust him. She had to trust Skulduggery would get them out of this. She turned her focus to him: his hand, his hip, his body pressed against hers.

Forget about dying, he wouldn't let anything happen to you, she told herself.

Then another thought occurred: "Why didn't the blinding sigil work on you? I mean, you can still see, right? This isn't the blind leading the blind here?"

"I can still see," Skulduggery confirmed. "Blinding sigils affect the eyes, and since I don't have any to see though..."

"Ah, makes sense."

"I'm going to open the other door. Ready?"

Valkyrie braced herself. She felt Skulduggery shift slightly, and then a jerk back with an "Ow."

There was a faint burning kind of smell.

"What? What happened? Are you okay?"

"The doorknob's rigged from the other side. But I'm fine. My gloves are mostly shockproof."

Mostly.

His weight shifted before she could comment. There was a thump and a crack of splintering wood, as the door was, presumably, kicked in.

"Ah, more sigils; no surprise there. I'm not how these ones are activated." Skulduggery said. "Do you have anything I can throw? I've run out of pens."

She rummaged around in her jacket pockets and pulled out a crushed granola bar. Skulduggery took it. There was a light thud. Then an even lighter hissing sound.

"Well," said Skulduggery. "A sigil on the wall lit up, but nothing seems to be happening."

They waited a more few seconds. Valkyrie's blood hammered in her ears. Waiting for something, but nothing came. There was no wave of heat and sound, no explosion. There wasn't the smell of rotten eggs or battery acid. Just a faint bittersweet sort of-

"Skulduggery, I can smell almonds."

"Oh," he said. "In which case, I think I know what that sigil on the wall does. Not to worry."

There was a notable change in air pressure. She could feel Skulduggery manipulating the air currents to create a protective bubble around them.

Valkyrie frowned. "I feel like whoever built this place, wanted to kill me but wasn't particularly bothered about killing you. I mean, I'm assuming you can't die by inhaling cyanide."

"No one's ever tried killing that way before, but I can't see how it would work, what with the lack of lungs. Are you feeling okay? No signs of dizziness or a headache coming on?"

"I'm fine, besides you know, resisting the urge to gouge out my eyes."

"That will pass. Let's keep moving."

They moved forwards.

"There's another camera in here. And a fireplace; this one isn't blocked off. There's a bay window like the one downstairs too," Skulduggery, chronicled. "Oh, that's clever. They've put sigils on the inside of the blinds, so if you roll them up you'll activate them..."

"Clever, but not clever enough to fool you."

"No, not that clever" he agreed. "The fireplace keeps catching my eye. Why is this fireplace still open when the one downstairs has been blocked off? It doesn't look like it's been used."

"Nothing in this house looks like it's been used," Valkyrie pointed out.

"True. But why block off just one? There must be a reason."

"Maybe the previous owners of the house did it."

"Maybe. Maybe not. Bare with me a moment. I'm going to set you down, so I can have a closer look."

Her boots touched solid ground. The arm around her waist disappeared.

"Try not to move," he said. "There's a sigil immediately behind you and another one five inches to the left. If you need to dodge, you can take a step to the right, but just one. There's an electrocute sigil about one and a half feet that way. The fireplace is directly in front of you. No sigils on it that I can see."

"Right, got it. What are you thinking of doing?"

He didn't answer. There was a rustle of fabric, a shuffling noise in front of her.

"Ah. That's interesting," he said. His voice had a muffled echo to it.

Valkyrie frowned. "Skulduggery? Are you in the fireplace?"

"I am. There's a sigil in here, carved into the chimney. I think if I touch it, I could activate it and find out what it does."

Valkyrie's heart sped up. "Don't activate it."

"Why not?"

"Because you don't know what will happen if you do."

"That's exactly why I want to activate it."

"It might be a trap."

"It might be our way out. Think about it: we're looking for a sigil we're not supposed to find. This is clearly a sigil were not supposed to find."

"We don't know for sure there is a secret way out. You said it yourself, the person who built this place was clever. They might have anticipated you nosing around."

"And you said they weren't clever enough to fool me. Trust me, Valkyrie. This is our most likely way out."

"Then let me do it," she blurted out. "Let me activate the sigil. If you're so sure that it's safe, I can do it."

Skulduggery hesitated, a second too long, before speaking. "There's no need to trouble yourself when I'm already in here. Besides you'd probably hit your head on the mantelpiece. It's much safer if I do it."

"Skulduggery. If you die activating that sigil, I've got no chance of getting out of here alive. If I die, then at least you can still find a way out."

"But if it is a trap, and I'm not saying it is, I have a better chance of surviving it then you do," he said. "So I'm going to activate it. No more arguing."

Valkyrie's eyes were watering again. And that made her angry. She wanted to argue. She wanted to yell and scream. This isn't fair. He couldn't ask her to stand there while he gambled with his life. At least, not for a second time in one day.

If he dies...

It was one of those things they never talked about. It was funny in a kind of unfunny way, how they'd managed to skirt around the subject for twelve danger-filled years. Okay, they'd talked about it a bit, when the stakes were high and they had a bad hand. But they'd never really talked about it. Not about the important bits, not about what mattered. There was still so much to say, and there would never be enough time to say it all in.

At least if he died here today, she would only have to live with it for a very short while.

She still wanted to argue. But she already knew how the rest of this conversation would play out. When it came down to it, Skulduggery could survive things she couldn't. And he was going to keep playing that card until she folded.

Damn him.

There was so much to say, and never enough time to say it all. So she settled with: "Don't you dare die. Don't you dare leave me alone."

There was the sound of stone scraping against stone. A rush of cool air from below. A clang. A cry of pain. The air around her changed, the pressure dropping. She could feel an empty space where Skulduggery had stood.

"Skulduggery?"

He was gone. She was alone. Sightless, trapped and alone. Fear seized her once more. Wrapping its icy fingers around her heart. Snagging her breath. She reached out blindly. Her fingers caught the mantelpiece. She felt the hole where the hearthstone should be.

"Skulduggery?!"

"Good news," came a distant echoing voice. "It is an escape route. I'm in the garden. Bad news: it's a rough ride. Can you find your own way down?"

Thank God. Thank Christ. Relief washed over her. Her heart thawed. She exhaled. Then she remembered the cyanide-laced air and tried not breathe in.

She lowered herself over the newly created hole, letting her legs dangle over the void. The fireplace rumbled. It had to be self-sealing. Quickly then.

She fell, hitting a slab of metal with a clang, and then slid. Something, a bolt most likely, caught her jacket. She hissed as the metal bit into the exposed flesh of her back. A second later, her body slammed against a wall, as she rounded a corner. And then it was over.

FaFamiliar arms caught her. She could have cried. She could have kissed him. She did neither; because that would mean admitting how scared she'd been, how terrifying the idea of losing him was. And they didn't talk about that. Not since the accelerator fiasco half a decade ago.

The last of the afternoon sun warmed her face. A light breeze played with her hair. She gulped in the fresh air. From somewhere in the distance came the sound of traffic moving and children laughing.

"You weren't joking about the rough ride," she said. It wasn't what she wanted to say, but what she wanted to say was what they skirted around, and this was good enough.

"Unfortunately not," he said, setting her down on the ground. "Besides the eyes, how are you feeling? You're not sleepy, are you? Or short of breath?"

"I'm sore. I feel like shit. But I don't think I'm dying of cyanide poisoning if that's what you're worried about."

"Good," There was a sigh of relief hidden in that single syllable. Then his tone shifted back to work-mode, "There's a door over there that looks like it leads to a back lane. Should we see if it's unlocked?"

"Lead the way."

Arm back around her waist, he guided her. They didn't fly this time, instead, they walked side-by-side. Their pace perfectly matched.

As it turned out, the door was locked, but it gave in with one good kick from Skulduggery. He steered her down the street and around corners. The sound of traffic and kids playing grew louder.

"Is your facade back up?" Valkyrie asked. "I don't want to terrify the locals."

"Already ahead of you, my dear."

"Oh, good." She must have missed that, which wasn't surprising considering the circumstances. "The cuts on your face, the ones you got earlier... they're gone, right? The damage wasn't permanent?"

"They're gone," he confirmed. "Now let's stop worrying about me, and get you home. The Bentley is right in front of us."

There was a soft mechanical chirp - the sound of a car being unlocked. Skulduggery opened the door for her, brushing against her as he did so. Reaching out blindly, she found the edges of the car and awkwardly lowered herself into the seat. The leather was comfortable and familiar. She sunk into it.

"Jesus Christ, that was bad."

"We've had better days," Skulduggery, agreed. "Although there is a plus side to taking this case."

"What is it?"

"Cemetery Road is only a ten-minute drive from here."

With a soft groan and what she hoped was a surly look in Skulduggery's direction, Valkyrie reached over and slammed the car door shut.

[ubergolf-blog]

UBERGOLF - The Best Golf Sunglasses 2018 Reviews: Eyeglasses For Golfers

The best golf sunglasses covered here protect your eyes from the harmful radiations without hampering a clear view. So you won’t be forced to take them off for every shot.

A bright blue morning is the best time to get your golf gear on. A clear day allows you to complete your game and enjoy it too. The one factor which is both a bane and a boon is the sunlight. While it gives you a clear view of the golf ball and targets, it leaves you susceptible to weaker eyes and skin damage. That’s why sunglasses are cardinal to your golf game.  Each pair can be customized to create the best prescription sunglasses for golf.

Best Golf Sunglasses of 2018

The Best Oakley Sunglasses for Golf

1. Oakley Men's Flak Jacket XLJ Sunglasses

The Plastic O Matter frame of Oakley Flak Jacket XLJ golf sunglasses forms a very lightweight package. They also come with any extra set of stem sleeves. Both these socks and the nose pads are built to grip in spite of perspiration.

The Pure Plutonite lens of these golf sunglasses prevents any UV radiation from entering through. This is a 100% UV-blocking agent. This is a semi-rimless design. So the peripheral vision is not obstructed by the frame. The iridium lens is chosen with care to be clear all through the body.

The lens is also coated with a permanent hydrophobic coating. So it dries off quickly if you have been in the rain or fog. It also repels sweat.

The lens is also coated with a permanent hydrophobic coating. So it dries off quickly if you have been in the rain or fog. It also repels sweat. These golf sunglasses resist smudging from skin oils and other casual contact. It also prevents static electricity on the lens surface. So dust particles do not get attracted to the lens easily.

These are non-polarized golf sunglasses. The vision has good contrast. And people who have their apprehensions about the effect of polarization on depth perception can rest easy with these. There’s no questioning the style quotient of these Oakley golf sunglasses. They look dangerously cool without compromising on the comfort and vision.

PROS

Lightweight and comfortable

Smudge and water-resistant lens

Rimless on the sides

Outstanding sporty looks

Socks, nose pads and hard case included

CONS

Expensive

2. Oakley Men's Flak 2.0 XL Sunglasses

The Oakley Men's Flak 2.0 XL Sunglasses sport the Oakley comfort level with O matter frames. These are so lightweight that they almost feel weightless and can be easily judged to be cheap. But they are actually quite sturdy, the kind of stuff that lasts for years.

The round rims and classic keyhole bridge makes you nostalgic about the sunglasses from bygone eras. The vintage design is accompanied with low-key but stylish colors. The cover from the sides keeps the heat out from all sides.

The lens is also coated with a permanent hydrophobic coating. So it dries off quickly if you have been in the rain or fog. It also repels sweat.

The distinctive feature of these golf sunglasses is the shirt clip. This is a kick-up stand that’s part of the hinge. It can be disengaged and used to secure the sunglasses to your shirt. So when you are playing without glasses or getting post-game drinks with your golf buddies, these will stay fastened to your shirt.

The non-polarized Plutonite lens of these golf sunglasses blocks UV rays a 100 percent. They do not hinder the vision at all. Your view through the Latch sunglasses will feel like a second set of eyes. You can wear them whole day round.

PROS

Vintage round rim design

Kick-up shirt clip

100% UV resistant

Lightweight and high comfortable

CONS

No hard case included

The Best Tifosi Sunglasses for Golf

Tifosi Jet Wrap Sunglasses

The Tifosi jet wrap golf sunglasses are the affordable brand of reliable glasses. These come at one-fourth the price of Oakley glasses. But these shades are not the throwaway kind. They bring great value for money.

These golf sunglasses have the semi-rimless sporty structure. The anti-slip nose pads and temple pads keep them firmly in their place. The will not slip off inadvertently during the shots.

These Tifosi golf sunglasses have an unnatural talent of repelling moisture. Even if you are playing in the sizzling sun, the sweat will not cloud the lens or make the glasses slip. These are solid support while golfing or any endurance sport.

These golf sunglasses are very lightweight for their price. At 26 grams it’s easy to forget you have them on. Their non-polarized lens is primed for 100% UV ray blocking. Tifosi claims they are shatterproof. But they are not as resistant to scratching as the expensive sunglasses. So we suggest you don’t chuck them casually in your golf bag.

PROS

Unobstructed peripheral vision

Affordable

Lightweight and firm fitment

CONS

Only moderately scratch-resistant

The Best Under Armor Sunglasses for Golf

Under Armour Unisex UA Igniter

The Under Armour Igniter golf sunglasses got surprisingly high praise for their quality in spite of their very moderate price. This is one of the brands that aren’t owned by Luxottica group. Probably that’s why they are still priced reasonably.

These golf sunglasses are the wrap-around design that seals the eyes from all sides. The sides are rimless so you get unhindered peripheral vision.

The fitment of these UA golf sunglasses is another plus point. It comfortably fits the folks with a wide head. Of, course certain head shapes are catered better than others. The adjustable 3-point nose pad keeps them from slipping.

The lenses of these golf sunglasses block out the UVA, UVB and UVC rays a 100%. It is available in polarized or non-polarized versions. Their ArmourSight lenses are built to be 10 times stronger than the normal polycarbonate lenses. It is also decently water-repellent, and scratch-, smudging- and staining-resistant.

These golf sunglasses feel much more substantial than some Oakleys in your hand. Maybe Oakley has mastered the art of lightweight durability. But the UA Igniter builds confidence in its sturdiness just with the touch and feel.

PROS

Sturdy Titanium-infused frame

Semi-rimless wrap-around shades

Affordable

Polarized/Non-polarized versions

100% U blocking

Water-, stain-, smudge-, scratch-resistant

CONS

No hardcase provided, only cloth pouch

The Best JiMarti Sunglasses for Golf

JiMarti JM01 Sunglasses for Golf, Fishing, Cycling-Unbreakable-TR90 Frame

The JiMarti JM01 golf sunglasses are specifically aimed at the warriors of the greens. These athletic-looking sunglasses seem to be untouched by deplorable prices. They are budget-oriented.

These golf sunglasses have rimless wrap-around architecture. The eyes are covered from the sides and you get clear lateral vision too. The shatterproof flexible frame is extremely lightweight unlike other cheap glasses.

The JM01 golf sunglasses have polycarbonate lenses. These are completely UV-proof. The vision is not darkened like usual affordable sunglasses. In fact, the tint is light but it still effectively blocks light.

The nose pads of these golf sunglasses are also innovative. The soft silicon-like material does not make dents on the sides of your nose with continuous use. Since the shades are lightweight, they sit properly without exerting much force on the nose.

These are not as scratch-resistant as the expensive sunglasses. You have to be careful with these. Thankfully they do come with a carry case. JiMarti’s customer service is outstanding.

PROS

Lightweight and comfortable on the nose

Affordable

Rimless and wraparound

UV-proof but light lenses

Total glare-elimination

CONS

Scratches fast if abused

What are the right golf sunglasses?

The right golf sunglasses will aid the golfers’ game rather than distracting them. Using your regular sunglasses might not be a good idea. They could be cheap polarized glasses or have the wrong color lenses for the golf course. What the best golf sunglasses bring you is greater contrast than normal vision, which helps you see the hazards and targets better. The correctly polarized sunglasses get you proper depth perception so you can depend on your shaded vision to make distance estimates.

The top golf sunglasses selected here address all the problems that golfers usually complain of with the sunglasses. Besides, with UV radiations souring the outdoor activities these days, wearing a sunglass is just good sense. Eyes can get permanently damaged by excessively bright sunlight and extreme exposure to sunlight. We suggest you protect yourself completely with golf sunglasses and golf hat.

Are expensive golf sunglasses worth it?

All expensive golf sunglasses aren’t necessarily better than the cheaper ones. But pricier sunglasses have their distinct advantages, more so in case of golf sunglasses. Expensive sunglasses invest in the following things:

UV protection: Imposter sunglasses are usually just tinted and shaped like your favorite designer glasses. When the light hits the eyes beyond a certain lumen value, the iris contracts to limit the light entering the eyes. The fake sunglasses can trick the eyes into believing less amount of harmful rays are entering the eyes and allow more UV rays in. Of course, there are reasonably-priced glasses which block the UV rays completely. Those are some of the best golf sunglasses.

Optical correctness: Although cheaper glasses may look like the Oakleys, their lenses are very different. They don’t have the same clarity and quality. Sometimes the two lenses differ in color or have a small distortion which disturbs your view. You will never have such issues with the expensive or moderately-priced sunglasses.

Polarization: People have differing views about polarization. Properly polarized glasses give you clear contrast and view of the greens. And no, they do not alter depth perception. So you will be able to judge the distances just like the naked eye. And you will see the objects in the golf course better because of better contrast. Polarization eliminates the issue of ‘glare’. This helps you see the water hazards better. You will even perceive the depth of water more correctly. Smaller items like rocks and sticks get better visibility. Usually cheaper sunglasses do not implement polarization correctly.

Durability: Even if the cheaper golf sunglasses match up with expensive ones in all respects, the good-quality shades are just more durable. They are not likely to snap off like a twig when carried around in your golf bag.

Comfort: When a golfer is pulling his A-game, she or he should not be distracted by anything. Good-quality sunglasses usually do not form any pressure points on your nose or ears. They are comfortable to sport and become inconspicuous on your face. The imposter sunglasses may dent either side of your nasal bridge. They may even keep sliding off your nose as you bend to take your shot.

What're progressive lenses for golf?

What exactly are progressive lenses in a pair of prescription sunglasses? Please watch this video:

What are the best sunglasses for golfers?

There’s a horde of sunglasses in the market to choose from in all price ranges. But there are few which can effectively add value to your golf game and safeguard your eyes against early cataract and macular degeneration. The best golf sunglasses are selected based on:

UV-ray protection: The best golf sunglasses provide 100% protection against UVA and UVB rays. UV rays lead to macular degeneration, of which the American populace runs a huge risk. This can cause permanent vision loss. UVB rays are also adept at causing cataract, where a white film clouds the lens and impairs your vision. About 20% of cataract cases can be traced back to sun exposure.

Optical Clarity: This is the most important quality of the best golf sunglasses. It’s imperative that you get a clear view of the golf course and its various fixtures even with the sunglasses on. Their lenses have no aberrations and provide unobstructed view.

Fitment: The best golf sunglasses feel feather-light on your face. They will never take the focus off the game. For most face types, these will not form any pain on the nasal bridge or ears either. Many sunglass manufacturers offer different sizes of the same sunglass model.

Lens color: Some lens colors are just better for the golf course than others. Polarized brown, copper or amber lenses are the best on the golf course. They provide excellent contrast against the green or blue tones of the course.

The golf sunglasses Winner:

The best golf sunglasses are your silent, but very protective, golf partners. They keep your most strategic weapon sharp: your vision.

With so many sunglasses flooding the market, it was hard to make the pick. But the Oakley Men's Flak 2.0 XL Sunglasses emerged as clear winners. They work magic in creating ultra-light sunglasses that can withstand some major abuse. These are customizable with two sets of nose pads. They eliminate potential lens issues like smudging and sweat-clouding preemptively. Extra socks and hard case complete the package. That being said, the other best golf sunglasses are no trinkets. They get the job done just as meticulously.

[flyusanywhere]

10 Best Sunglasses For Men

10 Best Sunglasses For Men

Sunglasses are an essential accessory during a trip, wherever you go you will need the protection it gives you to enjoy it in a more comfortable way.

Our list of 10 best sunglasses for men is full of options for different travellers, from city travellers to adventurous explorers, a pair of sunglasses is available for you. Some people like to have more than one option on hand to make an outfit, but some have a preference to keep the same one around, either way, we’ve got you covered.

The main question here is: what to look for in a sunglass? First of all, make sure to check all details, especially size and lenses information. You also need to understand your face shape and see which style goes better with it.

Before you start reading our selection, you will notice there are some technical information that will make all difference if you understand them beforehand, as the case of polarized versus non-polarized lenses.

  Sunglasses Model Editors Rating View

Persol Typewriter Style

Shwood Canby Wood Sunglasses

Illesteva Leonard II Ring Sunglasses

Under Armour Octane Wrap Sunglasses

Tom Ford Cole Sunglasses

Dolce & Gabbana Round Sunglasses

Gucci GG0001S Sunglasses

Ray-Ban Light Ray Sunglasses

Ray-Ban Wayfarer Square Sunglasses

Oakley Men’s Flak 2.0 XL Sunglasses

  Basically, polarized lenses have a tendency to provide no glare, reducing visual discomfort. At the same time, you will notice that technology has improved throughout the years and new features are available to make the accessory perfect for you. Are you ready to find your next travel accessory?

Persol Typewriter Style

Let’s start our list of 10 best sunglasses for men with a classic Italian brand presenting a new release. The Calligraphy edition that the Typewriter style is part of, pays respect to the connection between the art of calligraphy and Italian craftsmanship, in which the company built its story.

In 1917, Giuseppe Ratti started designing technically advanced glasses for pilots and sports drivers who needed comfort and protection. We can’t deny the high-quality Persol offers, and in this new edition, it is possible to find style, comfort and quality lens.

It is an ultra light sunglass, with acetate frame and polarized lens. The colours were picked to elevate your style with this retro design with a bluish lens. Not sure it will fit your face perfectly? It is good to know the lenses width are 49 millimetres and the bridge is 22 millimetres.

The Typewriter style can be used in any environment, from city walks to paradise beaches with comfort and lightness to make your travel even more pleasant.

  Shwood Canby Wood Sunglasses

If you a city lover kind of traveler, Shwood Canby sunglasses will bring an extra style to your next trip. Not only a perfect design is presented by the brand, but also a concept using the finest natural materials.

Each glass is handcrafted to perfection in 65 steps, as noted using different kinds of materials in order to achieve a product that brings style and comfort to customers.

Shwood presents in this style a premium CR-39 lens, which offers durability and yet being lightweight. Its frame has 13-ply construction mix ultra-thin aluminium and hardwood for durability, which explains its weight. The lens measures 54 millimetres, 19 millimetres in the bridge and 150 millimetres in temples.

Available in three lens colours: grey, grey polarized and brown polarized, and they can be combined with five frame colours: dark forest, dark walnut, walnut, tortoise inlay and zebrawood.

    Illesteva Leonard II Ring Sunglasses

Audacious travelers that take style as priority will be surprised by this Illesteva collection.

All Illesteva products are handmade in Italy and France, being designed in New York City and its main propose is to bring a twist to classic sunglasses.

The result pays off as you can see in Leonard II style, which is also a high-quality product. Leonard II option has the classicism of New York Style, and it is available in black colour, elevating its classy tone.

Starting by having a UV 400 protection, meaning it blocks all wavelengths lights rays up to 400 nanometers, and also its frame is made with acetate, a hypoallergenic plastic. Just to make sure it fits you, check the measurements: 23 millimetres lens width, 23 millimetres for the bridge and 150 millimetres in temples.

The best thing about this sunglass is not only a sure shot for a quality product, but it is also a reliable option for those who wear sunglasses all day long. If you are that kind of person, choosing Leonard II will be a success on your next trip.

    Under Armour Octane Wrap Sunglasses

We could not forget about sports guys, and Under Armour has a sunglass ideal to carry along your adventures. Under Armour offers ten styles with a variety of colours for frames and lenses, which go from $99.84 to $149.99. In between those options you will find non-polarized or polarized lenses, and as noted above different styles, but its undeniable quality is present in all products.

Its lenses have a distortion-free vision and as consequence an enhanced your experience. The ArmourFusion frames have three points grip with rubber on temples and nose pad, providing a non-slip feature.

Last but not least, its sizes are: lens width are 63 millimetres, bridge is 18 millimetres and arms 126 millimetres. If you are an adventure lover, you will understand why these sunglasses deserve a spot in our 10 best sunglasses for men list.

    Tom Ford Cole Sunglasses

This is an aviator style for those who like to stay in shape in a classic style, but going an extra mile with its charm.

Its gold metal frame and black temples are a classy combination for sharp men. The lenses are made with plastic which among its benefits is lightweight, providing better protection from flying sparks and are considered a better break resistant.

In this style by Tom Ford, lenses are non-polarized and are 61 millimeters wide; the bridge is 13 millimetres and arms/temples are 135 millimetres.

In case you need to adapt your sunglasses for medical purposes, this is a good style to go for as it is already prescription friendly, making your life easier with a new pair of sunglasses. Another benefit about this aviator is that it is not extremely big and goes well in all environments.

    Dolce & Gabbana Round Sunglasses

Round sunglasses were a success when John Lennon used to wear them, a big hit during the Beatles time. Nowadays stylish travelers are also pulling them off in fashion showing the world you can be whoever you want to.

If you like this style, picking a Dolce & Gabbana product is a guarantee of a high-quality product in your hands. Its metal frame goes along with the plastic lens giving you the style you are looking for.

At the same time, it protects your eyes from UV rays as it has 100% UV protection coating and also a 3N filter, which is recommended for high intensity bright conditions.

Before you buy it, make sure to check the sizes: lenses are 41 millimetres wide, bridge is 25 millimetres and arms are 145 millimetres. In case you need to adapt to medical conditions, this product is also ready for it.

    Gucci GG0001S Sunglasses

If you find it hard to decide on sunglasses as all seem boring to you, here is a colourful option by Gucci. In this style, the frame has three colours: blue in the front and, clear and red stripes in the arms.

Additionally, the frame is made of cellulose acetate, titanium, and stainless steel. All those characteristics make the product hypo-allergenic and ultra-lightweight.

Its lens is prescription friendly, scratch resistant and anti-reflective, offering 100% UV protection.

In this option by Gucci, the measurements are: lens width 52 millimetres, the bridge is 21 millimetres and arms 145 millimetres. Even though there is no name for this style, you can create your own personality when wearing it on your next trip.

    Ray-Ban Light Ray Sunglasses

The already known Ray-Ban brand offers this mirror sunglasses style for those who love products that are trending.

In this option by the brand, the famous Wayfarer front frame is elevated by the use of titanium material, making it extremely lightweight. Additionally, its mono-block hinges boost the stability, which consequently makes you feel even more comfortable.

Its shape is square with a 50 millimetres lenses and 22 millimetres bridge, while its temple is 140 millimetres lengthwise. You can pick your style in four colours: brown, gunmetal, matte dark blue and matte Havana. Of these colours, only gunmetal has the mirror style, so if you want to go that extra level on your next trip, this is the style to go for.

    Ray-Ban Wayfarer Square Sunglasses

This is a classic product ideal for those who don’t like to go wrong, it is simple yet has Ray-Ban quality guaranteed.

It is possible to find other frame and lenses colours, but going for black frame and crystal green lenses are a sure shot for a sunglass to wear everywhere.

It doesn’t matter which clothes or environment you will be in when wearing this product, you will pull it off. The lenses are crystal, polarized, offer 100% UV400 protection, and are also prescription ready.

Ray-Ban goes an extra mile with this lens as it is designed to eliminate glare and their technology absorbs much of the reflective glare. Its measurements are: 50 millimetres lens width, 22 millimetres in the bridge and 150 millimetres for arms.

    Oakley Men’s Flak 2.0 XL Sunglasses

Ideal to wear outdoor, this product by Oakley offers some details that will change the way you travel in the wild.

First, its 8.65 base lens curvature has a wider protection for your eyes and in this case sun, wind and impact will not influence your experience.

It also offers an XYZ Optics which maintain clarity in the whole lens, which means you can move around and you do not feel the difference during your exercise.

Unobtainium is a patented material by Oakley that offers a high-quality grip, including during perspiration periods, keeping the frames in place at all times. If you are intrigued by the XL size, here are the measurements: 12 millimetres bridge; arms are 133 millimetres and lens width are 59 millimetres.

Oakley is a reliable brand that deserves a spot in our 10 best men sunglasses list with a sunglass that shows all its quality and is ideal for our beloved travelers.

from Fly US Anywhere https://flyusanywhere.com/10-best-sunglasses-for-men/