#anorexia a year earlier she said she was glad that at least it was a less lasting or like the best bad way of coping or something and i
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vent time. just ignore this & have a nice night
#ok cool. so. i dont even know. i had things i was gonna talk about but i dont fucking know. i watched a video on depresonalization &#derealization and fuck man. like. i knew i dealt with that kinda stuff but the way it was described as springing from trauma was . closer to#home than i had anticipated. that and just. i dont like being home. i miss all my friends and i hate being here in this house with these#people. like. fuck my parents. just at dinner today like my dad was saying how he was so good about not complaining about the scent of#peppers this morning and that he didnt want to be like the stink police or whatever even tho hes literally been a controlling ass about it#for forever and he was literally just pulling the o n e thing that he did about it that wasnt selfish to say that he isnt selfish about it#and then like. idfk the rest of my family isnt vegetarian and thats fine but like. it was beef and then sides for dinner which felt like not#ideal parenting or care or whatever. like. its not like theyre starving me or anything but like. ive sort of done that to myself before. and#when i didnt eat much anyway no one said anything like. i ate earlier and ill eat in a bit but someone only eating a small serving of#greenbeans feels like it should be call for a question from parents. from good parents at least.#so thats that on parents i guess#also. ive been good so far like im doing good dont worry but like. negative thoughts can be strong sometimes and sometimes i want to relapse#and i havent yet but like. i hate that my current reasons to not are that i wanna hit a new good streak record and i dont want to disappoint#my friends. like. i know that its not good to hurt yourself bc thats hurting yourself and it risks infection and like what if i were to get#carried away on accident bc emotions are a time and judgement is shit. but like. none of that means anything to me really. like. idk. one of#my friends one time when i told her about this obviously wasnt happy about it but considering that i had almost given myself full blown#anorexia a year earlier she said she was glad that at least it was a less lasting or like the best bad way of coping or something and i#think she meant good by that but also i think that hearing that while i was at a very bad point of all that didnt help how i see it. so like#when ever im trying to talk myself down i try to argue with myself that no its fine bc look its basically just a few scratches right and#theyll be clean even if you dont actually clean them like youve never gotten infected yet by any cut even actual accidents theyll be fine.#and you wont get carried away if you use something thats already small or kind of dull and its not like things have bled much in the past so#youve still got wiggle room. and i know that thats fucked up but like. i cant get myself to give a shit about myself. ive gotten better on#the eating front. im careful to at the very least get a full meal a day and i try not to let one-meal days happen consecutively or often.#but like. this is dfiferent. and i hate not being able to care about my physical wellbeing that much. it feels broken. and like. relying on#accountability is good when it works but like. i dont have a real system of people checking in on this so theres that voice in my head sayin#g no one would notice and i could get away with it. which isnt fun. and setting a new record is really good right now too bc if i make it to#the 30th then ive done it but im kind of scared about once thats passed and we're into january bc then that mental safeguard of being so#close and not wanting to fuck up is gone. and ill still be here for another two weeks.#and then besides all this ive been so fucking tired and definitely depressed and im starting to want to self isolate. like. even texting my#partner is hard. they text me and their other partner in a group chat a whole bunch so it should be easy but its not. at least not today.
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Log Date 12-11-18
It is currently 11:26 PM.
Quick thing, I messed up the date on yesterday's log, I mean 12-10-18 haha!! Anywho, I got sleep after I came home yesterday, hence not updating as I said I would.
Yesterday I got a lot of sleep, I slept from about 4 PM to 5:30 AM this morning, but the sleep was nice :)) I nearly forgot to do this today, but I remembered while talking to a great friend of mine tonight. Today went okay, I wore this hoodie I got from my uncle's house, it's his but it's so comfy I love it! I normally wear a large, but it's a 3XL and makes me feel small and cute, and it's really soft <3. School brought some stress as always, and I'm still getting headaches after over 2 weeks since I fell. My mom is gonna get me an appointment scheduled tomorrow, so I'll see the doctor soon about it. I ended up missing a week of school, but the teachers are giving me until Christmas break, in a week and a half to get it all done! I have issues with eating sometimes, but I ate lunch today! I'm recovering from bulimia (and a little bit of anorexia) that I had gotten early on in the year (January/February ish) and every step towards getting fully recovered makes me feel better :)) there will be times where I don't eat for a week or two, and when it first started I went nearly a month without eating. It all started from indigestion issues, and when I started to lose weight from it I just kept on skipping meals/eating then throwing up, and it went on for 4 or 5 months straight. Anyways, I'm trying my hardest to recover and I feel like I'm making a lot of progress, normally I eat at least 2 meals a day. But I'm working on trying to eat all three and snacks too! On the topic of food, those freaking fruit cups that have 100% juice are amazing! I love the peaches and pears! I might be switching to a program by the school, it's an online thing. I would go to a little building by the highschool called the Academy. Basically, you do all the work online, them on one or two days a week you go in to do more work or to test and such. I feel like it would be less stressful and better for me to work on my own schedule and not worry about late assignments. And some of my best friends ever go there or will be going there! I got really depressed earlier, but I called my friend the Cat (I wanna keep all names confidential, so I'm giving fun little animal names to them!!) and she helped me through it, we talked for nearly 2 hours, it and it was great. I miss hanging out with her out of school, as well as my friend the Otter. We're like the trio that hangs out, talks about feelings, and gets high, but we're so positive with each other and I'm so glad we all met. I'm so grateful for the people in my life. I was going to commit suicide last week, but I didn't because of the people surrounding me. I love them WAY too much to do that to them, and it doesn't get rid of my problems. It just passes them on to somebody else, and I'm not about to ruin the lives of the people I love because I wasn't feeling good. But anyways, the Cat talked to me and made me feel better. I wanna buy her a Christmas gift. I got one for the Otter, but I wanna grab him something he's wanted for a while now too. I think I'll have to buy them stuff after Christmas though, I'll have money to spend :)) my mom is giving me money this year for Christmas, which I originally was just gonna shop online with. But now I wanna spend it on the people I love, then buy things for me! Making sure my friends are taken care of and that they know I love them is my top goal!!! I don't think I mentioned it yesterday, but I fell down the stairs at my step grandma's head first over Thanksgiving break, that's why I have head injuries. I was really exhausted yesterday as the day went on, because I didn't sleep. Today in math class I told myself I would remember this day next year. I don't have any specific reason why, but I just think it would be nice to see if I actually remember or not.
Well, this is it for tonight. Thank you to anybody who reads this, I truly hope your day is shining and you smile, I bet it's beautiful :) peace out homeboys! Goodnight!
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