#anon u got me in a crisis on this train

[sorcerous-caress]

Imaginary Human and elf conversation I have in my head the past few day :

Elf : I’m finally 100 yo! I can’t wait to start picking up some study and hopefully start venture outside my home in the next 50 years!

Human : That’s neat. I left home when I was late teen to find job by that time I’m quite a competent wizard since I started immediately after I can read. I got accidentally captured by drows, lived in Menzoberranzan for a year or two. I escaped after poisoned Matron mother to death. Then I returned to surface, helped a random village from being wiped out by goblins and orcs. Dating one high elf, who I already divorced, and had two half-elves children. Oh and I probably changed nationalities two times by the time I’m 25. I don’t think I accomplished much as a 25 humans :(

Elf : Y O U W H A T

— RED Anon

Dudee that's what I'm saying! Elves are too coddled fr.

Humans start their education at 6 years old, sometimes younger if you count kindergarten, then finish it at 18.

And the second you hit 18, all the questions start pouring in like

"When are you getting a job?" // "When will you ge married?"

"Who will you vote for?" // "So, did you find a place to move out to?"

And don't let me get started on the weird 20's span where half your friends are married with kids and the other half are in the club.

And that's just the basic of human life, there is still their adventurer class studies or training.

Sure, elves consider their 18-year-old youngs technically adults, but that's just an excuse to allow them to drink and go wild with each other. But in their own circles, they still treat them as kids who don't know better and should wait for their 100th birthday to mature.

Also, the inherited human feelings of shame and incompetence, a tendency towards addiction.Like you're not doing enough, and you're lagging behind.

That is a real thing.

It's called the hedonic set point. Each human has it a certain point in a scale of "happiness" or the emotions responsible for it in general, the feel good hormones your brain releases on average.

If something happens that makes you feel good, your emotional state goes above the set point, if you feel bad, your emotional state goes below the setpoint.

But eventually, you will always return to the starting emotional state, your hedonic set point.

And we don't determine where it's set, nor do all humans have it equally set. Which means some people will always have a worse emotional state by default, with no faults of their own, no matter what they achieved.

Addictions are an easy source of happiness hormones, rewards hormones etc. It can be food, sugar, gambling, gaming, or even more extreme addictions. That's why human resistances to addictions varies widely

Which is what honestly drives some people to always seek more, to achieve more or climb higher.

( i removed a previous written part here after editing this post months later because I couldn't find sources to support the theory, it was the part about the hedonic set point being the caused by evolution and natural selection, that sad humans are more likely to survive)

It's also an existence crisis in It's own, isn't it? The feeling like everything cool has already been done before and you will never stand out from the billions of the humans on earth. The feeling that your life is meaningless and the world wouldn't change if you had stopped existence.

So you take art, like writing, hello there :), or music or climbing or anything that will leave your fingerprints behind. Leave an essence of yourself behind that says I was here. I am a human being and i effceted people and things, I Existed and I Mattered.

All of this is the human experience. To be human.

The constant race between each and every one of us, the constant need to shift and change and improve upon ourselves and our own society. Each generation is vastly different than the last and sometimes condems all their ancestors' rules.

By the time an elf matures, a whole generation of humans came snd reshaped society before bidding their goodbyes. All races will have to readjust to the most recent human culture that frequently changes.

If anything, one could argue that long-lived races hinder human progress. The only thing constant in humans is change and expansions. But for elves they rather take a small space and join the natural progress while humans seek to destroy and flee the the cycle of nature.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: suicide, sh mention

Looking for: advice

My friend has been really depressed lately, and I try to help her but she never tells me why. Most of the time when I ask her to rate her mood in 1-9, she picks 7 or 8. I'm really worried about her, it really hurts me to see her sad especially because I was just like that a few weeks ago (but now I'm recovering and getting better). She has said that she wants to kill herself before, and she has give vague hints of doing sh. I want to ask her straight if she do sh but knowing her she'll probably just distract the conversation/give a vague answer, and I'll just make her uncomfortable. I don't know what to so, if something happens to her it would just completely destroy me cuz I would be thinking of what I could've done to prevent that. She don't like confrontation so I just usually remind her that I love her and send positive/self care memes. I'm really worried about her, she's my best friend idk what I'll do without her. What should I do? I'm so scared I'll lose her.

Thank you if u answer this, you're all amazing

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about the situation with your friend. It's great that you're showing your love and support for her while she's going through this.

I'm QPR certified, which stands for Question, Persuade, and Refer, and it's training for suicide prevention. While I was QPR certified as part of a club, individual training is available if you can afford it. QPR training can equip you with the tools to help yourself or learn more about preventing suicide, learn the common causes of suicidal behavior and the warning signs of suicide, and how to get help for someone in crisis.

Primarily, it's important to ask yourself if you feel your friend trusts you enough to be honest with her thoughts and plans. If she never tells you why she's been struggling, that may suggest that she isn't comfortable opening up. That being said, while understanding why she's struggling may help put things in perspective, what matters most is that she's struggling, and you can still show your support, even if by directly asking if she's thinking about suicide.

While QPR training could help enrich your ability to approach this situation, it's by no means necessary. The gist of the training I got was to ask the person in question if they're thinking about suicide, and how thought out their plan is. It's important to have this kind of conversation at a time and place that is mutually comfortable. It may help to start by asking to talk about something personal just so she can have a choice in talking about it, and also so she knows the nature of the conversation you want to have. If she tells you that she has been considering suicide and has a plan, you can offer to go with her to get help, or send her crisis resources she can speak to.

If you'd like some crisis resources and would like our help finding some, feel free to let us know her region and I can try to find some resources local to her. Feel free to keep us updated on any developments on this. I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[carpathxanridge]

Personally I think the reason why I'm so bothered about my jawline is the associations. I've got lip incompetence too and I think it both of those things combined make me look like the sterotype of an idiot. I'm fine with being ugly, but looking dumb? That's much harder.

Also w/ your post about being nurturing. I'm the same way. I'm super socially awkward, not really good at talking to people at first. It gets better the more I know someone though. I have a friend that has tons and tons of trauma so I've comforted her a lot and I always struggle with what to say or do no matter how much compassion I feel for her in the moment. Yet at the same time, I've been called compassionate and praised for my ability to comfort people? I have decided to get a degree in social work despite everything about me and everyone told me I would be a great social worker because how good I am at comforting people. If you figure it out, please share with me.

Also x2, are we the same person? I have no solutions to your problems (I wish I did. I can only commiserate) but everything you wrote I could have written. I too struggle with motivation to eat. Most of the time I don't even feel hunger anymore, I know I have to eat when I feel weak and dizzy. I've been forcing myself to eat at least 2 meals a day, but I can not eat for days and still not feel hungry. I have read hunger cues will disappear if you keep not responding to them, but it feels impossible sometimes to make it work. I don't even understand people who can just eat 3 times a day just effortlessly, without even thinking about it.

oh wow i’ve never even thought about that aspect, of “looking dumb.” if it makes you feel better, i don’t think the thought has ever crossed my mind upon looking someone that they look unintelligent. but i get it, for me growing up i was a “mouthbreather” (because of allergies), and even though i don’t breathe through my mouth anymore i hate that my jaw will always look like that, it’s just an “unhealthy” kind of appearance that i have to accept. it’s like an annoying exercise of like telling myself “even if people get that impression from xyz in my appearance i have worth as a person regardless and equating health/intelligence/attractiveness with self worth is eugenics thinking”… while at the same time not fully believing it myself.

as for navigating empathy and comforting others, that is exactly my experience as well my therapist has even said that i am very good at interpreting people, mediating conflict, not being driven by emotionality but being able to intuit other peoples’ emotional states, etc. which would make me good in that kind of role. but i know i’d also be terrified because it’s so high stakes, and what if i fail someone? or miss the mark because it doesn’t come naturally to me? i did just read an article though written by someone who has volunteered for years with suicide hotlines, and what surprised me so much about his account was how wooden and poorly his early calls went, but how he had a supervisor and continuing training and he improved at it over time, and there was a LOT “scripted” because the training is very specific, there’s some “science” behind what phrases and wording and types of responses are best. and it made me realize, it does more net good to be there for someone and try than to not do it at all. like i might figure out i’m not suited for it but i decided i’m going to start relatively smaller compared to an in-person position and sign up for RAINN’s rape crisis text hotline when they open applications next.

and lol we very well might be the same person anon ;’0 if you want to talk more you should dm me! or i’m on discord at carpathianridge#9856. i know not everyone likes to dm (and i’m honestly not great at it$ but my inbox is always open if u want!

[hella1975]

have u ever listened to laika by wil wagner? gives um rather two headed calf type vibes(??) u can confirm or disagree if u like <3

on the one hand I want to thank you for telling me about this beautiful song but on the other hand I’m trying very hard not to lose my shit in front of the ticket man. i just. im. the theme of humans being these greater, omnipotent beings who know of death, know the exact fate of the dog, of the calf, and still the animal is just so happy to be there, if only for a moment. it doesn’t matter that they are going to die soon, it matters only that there are twice as many stars as usual, that there’s more room to play out here. this is a pure, good creature that humans are killing because it has no use or because it does have use, and there is no bitterness there. they forgot to walk me this morning, they were too busy changing the world

[universitypenguin]

What happened to u? U okay?

Hello!

First off, thank you for your concern. I appreciate it and I needed it after the past two days. To answer your question - I'm doing great.

I don’t have a lot of context about your question, but I’m guessing your concern is due to my recent blocking spree. A day ago, I went through my followers list and found some minors. I’ve previously seen smut fanfic writers concerned by underage people interacting with their posts. Until I had to block a few of them, I wasn’t aware how uncomfortable it would make me feel.

Since the blocking spree, I've had a lot of thoughts. I'm about to spew them everywhere. You might regret asking me if I was okay. Sorry about that. No one needs to read this whole manifesto about my rollercoaster of emotions the past few days. But in the interest of transparency, I'm posting this very long note.

What I want my readers to know is the following:

Tumblr is both a place for fanfiction and a social media site.

When I interact with followers and write explicit content, I have to be careful about what I'm saying and who I'm saying it to.

I don't intend to block or purge my followers in the future.

As long as I appropriately tag and put warnings on my work, that is adequate protection for my blog. Everything I write containing explicit content is tagged.

However, I won't interact with users who don't have an age stated in their bio.

There have to be boundaries, given the content of my writing. But I've also come around to the realization that I'm not capable of policing every interaction. Tumblr is a public forum. Minors following me makes me uncomfortable. But by the same token, my work is clearly labeled at 18+ and so is my blog.

There's a lot of explicit content out there for minors if you really think about it. In my high school freshman English class we talked about the book "The Color Purple." Believe me, that was explicit and we were only 14. Any minor with a library card and a Google browser can access a lot more intense content than what I write. I hope they're all being safe, but I can't have a melt down blocking spree again.

I'm not a cop, I'm not a parent, and what minors consume is down to them and the adult responsible for them. If I know someone is a minor I'll block them, should I notice they're trying to interact with me. Otherwise, I'm not purging my followers ever again. It's too much drama. I'd rather leave Tumblr than do that twice. I'm tired and I'm starting to work on my post graduate classes, I work full time in a demanding job, I'm in the process of editing my novel, and trying to keep up with my personal life. Quite literally, I don't have time to block. Writing fanfic is supposed to be my fun time. Let's keep it that way.

Due to the fact that some people I blocked were later unblocked after I took a closer look at their blogs, I'm posting a full explanation below. A quick summary is this:

After only writing for three months, I'd amassed 500 followers. On Monday I blocked almost 200 of them. Then I reviewed my block list and editing down some people who were prematurely blocked. [I assume the anon is one of the unblocked who had me disappear from their dash. Sorry!] This blocking thing isn't sustainable. In the future I'll run my blog differently as far as interaction goes in an effort to be responsible.

Continue reading for the saga of:

The Great Blocking Spree and Existential Crisis of an Erotic Fanfic Writer.

The Blocking Spree:

On Monday I realized a thirteen year old was following me and interacting with my work. This creeped me out.

*Commence blocking spree*

Then I realized how daunting my followers list was. I had 500 followers prior to Monday. That day I blocked about 200 people (some of them prematurely - more on that later.) So after the daunting task of trying to assume, to check bios for ages, to review blog content and determine the user's age, I was tired. Today, I even took a moment to reconsider if I wanted to use Tumblr. Because if all this is my responsibility, maybe I don't have the time or dedication to manage it. When I can be chill, I try to be. This attitude also affected by blocking. It contributed to me unblocking people. When I was doing the blocking spree, I'd give people with no age in their bio a fair shot by reviewing their posts.

I blocked some bot accounts, then a bunch of blank blogs, some ambiguous people who very well could be of age. For the first 100 followers I was pretty aggressive. Then my attention span dropped off and I was a bit more ambivalent. I realized I was doing a crappy job of moderating and wondered what the point was.

The point was that the thirteen year old interacting with my work freaked me out. When I found two sixteen year old followers, it pushed me to continue the purge.

So on I go, blocking. I'm so responsible for doing this, right? But my methodology is crap. What is context for being an adult? Someone had posted about budgeting advice. I thought the budgeting advice was too good for it not to have come from an adult. But my father's a financial advisor and to be honest, I could have given that level of advice at fifteen just from osmosis. Someone had pictures of themselves entering their marijuana plants in the Oregon State Fair. Okay, you've got to be over 18. I didn't block them. Someone else complained about their stats professor and I didn't block them. But in retrospect, one of my high school friends got permission to take college level math courses when we were seniors. She was seventeen when she had a stats professor. The thought circles back - what am I accomplishing here? Next, I went back and unblocked someone who ranted about her Tinder matches being 60 year old men. I wondered if their post was even real. I've lied on the internet before. Nonetheless, I persisted and worked through all 500 followers. When I was done I had 312 followers left.

Post Blocking Spree Existential Crisis:

I know that all the blocking in the world can't stop a teenager who wants to read smut fanfic. I'm not much for posting on social media and I'm not used to a lot of anonymous interaction online. Honestly, I got rid of my SM accounts during college when I felt it was wasting my time. This is the first time I've really use a social media site to post content since college. My twitter account is unused, my Instagram is for close personal friends only, and my TikTok is for mindless consumption of cat videos. (I've trained the algorithm to feed me only cat videos, it's great and I highly recommend it.) I don't post on TikTok, so I don't consider it full use, just lurking.

Okay, Alice, get back to the point....

Right, being anonymous on social media. My blocks are a fence and it's based on self identification from the blogs that follow me. I have little faith in underage consumers to out themselves. I have even less faith in their honesty or respect for an adult's boundaries. They're at a stage in life where they want to push the boundaries. Telling them no is all but inviting them in. I did my blocking spree because I was worried about backlash from someone's parents. But what reasonable judge would come after a fanfic writer? Come on. Logical thoughts but me emotional distress was still brewing.

Why I am the one responsible for who clicks the follow button on my blog? I've always clearly identified what I write and tagged my work as smut.

That thought snapped me out of my whirlwind of anxious thoughts. So I started looking into the laws. My regular work involves medicine, not the legal profession, so I was lost. I found some state level laws that made me glad I'd gone on a blocking spree. California and Florida have specific language in their laws about 'providing minors with explicit content.' But what exactly is that? What I researched applied to the following activities: co-writing smut fanfic with other people, sexting, roleplaying and online messaging.

I run a fanfic blog with limited interaction. I've never done an ask. I don't roleplay on here and I don't want to.

The blocks weren't personal. They were partly based on the awareness that Tumblr is an interactive site and a place that's had a problem with child pornography in the past. But I'm not the smut police. I suck at blocking, and I doubt I did a good job of purging my followers list. This is when it hit me that boundaries are only what I can enforce. They've never been about how other people relate to me, only how I relate to them. (Wow. I've never sounded more like my mother in my life...) After this thought, I started considering what actions I ought to take if I wanted to keep posting fanfic on Tumblr.

My Post Blocking Spree Clarity...

It's up to me who I interact with. I don't have to reply to every comment and re-blog, but I'd like to. I'm stuck between wanting to write for everyone and handling interactions on a social media site that's mostly anonymous.

The fact remains: I can't be the smut police because I suck at it.

What I've decided is that I'll make it very clear on my blog that this is an 18+ space where I publish erotic fanfiction. Smut will always be appropriately marked. I'm not going to interact with reviews, re-blogs, and messages from accounts who don't have their age in their profile. I won't include them in my tag list either. The internet is a public forum. Just as with publishing erotica, once it's out there online for download, it's done. As a ghost writer and an author, I don't control who buys my original fiction, which is just as spicy as my fanfiction. (Trust me, it's explicit. I once had a romance editor tell me I should dial it back on the smutty parts of a novel because "it's a lot of sex for a non-erotica market.") The key difference on Tumblr is about interaction. And that's something I can control. I can decide when I reply to other users. What brought me around to this was the realization that even after the blocking spree, I can't review every single like I get. That's an amount of time and mental energy that's beyond me. Just the past two days have been exhausting and sapped my will to write. Which sucks because I need to go write the next chapter of "Restitution" before tomorrow.

I think the reasons I went on the blocking spree are nuanced. The thirteen year old freaked me out. So did the other underaged people who had ages in their bios. But it also relates to my work. In my job I've seen some nasty child abuse cases. Early on in my career, when I was a 23 year old new hire, I was working on an autopsy for a child abuse victim who'd been murdered by their parent. It was so terrible and graphic, I had to ask one of my older colleagues to take the case. This colleague didn't like me. But she took one look at my face and took the file. She closed out the review without a question and never brought it up again to anyone. I was very grateful. Where I used to work (and where this incident took place) was a major city that holds the unfortunate title of being the human trafficking capital of the US. And something I learned working there was that most human trafficking victims go with their captors willingly. In two years at that job, I never saw one who'd been kidnapped from a dark alley like you see on TV. They were all groomed on social media and thought they were escaping their families (who were often overbearing, toxic, or dysfunctional) for a get away with friends. It was a fun adventure with their internet buddies, until it wasn't.

In retrospect, the underage interaction I found on my blog made me react because of what I've been through. The autopsy case kept coming back to me today while I was at work and I've finally untangled my emotions enough to figure out what caused my melt down. When I was blocking, I was feeling an anxious motivation that I know can only stem from the stress I deal with at my job. Don't feel sorry for me about this - I know my work in medicine helps a lot of people and it's a tremendously satisfying career.

Our Saga's Resolution & How I'm Going to Deal With This In The Future...

- - - - -

In post block clarity, I offer this conclusion:

I'm writing on a public forum. My work is appropriately tagged as smut. In the future, I will also use the tag #no minors to help with filtering. I've always asked underage people not to interact. And on a public forum, what more can I reasonably do? Going forward I will only interact with those who have their age posted in their bio. But blocking sprees and policing every interaction isn't feasible.

I'll review how I'm going to run my tag lists as well. I need to think it over and let my followers know my decision as to if I'll continue using them. Because tagging is definitely interaction and my current tag list was not screened at all. *face palm*

Finally, to my readers who have blank blogs or don't have an age listed. I respect your right to privacy and I'm careful with my personal information as well. But I've also had an uncomfortable two days. If you've lasted through this venting session until now, you must understand that I'm upset by underage interaction. I'm setting my own boundaries and going forward, I'll own my side of the internet. No interaction from me, unless I know your age. Full stop - no exceptions. I think it is reasonable for me to suggest that you leave something on your blog that signifies you are not a minor, whatever that may be. Someone who I didn't block that stands out in my memory had a bio that said "90s baby." It was simple, direct, and left no doubt they were over 18. No age reveal and not even a name. If you put something like this on your blog it'll help explicit content creators feel more comfortable about their interactions.

I went on a spree this Monday and I admit to being heavy handed and aggressive about pruning followers. I had an emotional reaction due to work stress and I didn't think things through logically. I'm relieved for the chance explain myself and set new boundaries that I'm capable of sticking to in the future. But remember - the block button is on my side of the screen. At the end of the day, you might be unhappy with me for the block, but it's my button, it's my blog, and I'll use it as I see fit.

Thank you for reading.

[minheefreckles]

Hidden Love - Taeyoung

Word count: about 2.5k

Member: Cravity’s Taeyoung 

Warning(s): Idiots in love, a few curse words here and there nothing too bad

Genre: Fluff, bulletpoint scenario, slight crack

Note: This was requested by anon! Also I don’t know how entertainment companies work so there may be some errors. Reader is older than taeyoung and is female since anon requested a nuna reader. Enjoy!

Request: hi!! can i ask for a taeyoung fic where the reader is an older trainee at starship and tae has the fattest noona crush on him 🥺

Plot: In which getting locked into a closet brings you a lot closer to a certain younger trainee

- The first thing taeyoung was greeted with while entering the practice room for the first time was a big group hug, sweaty arms and shoulders embracing him from everywhere

- (he swore he could have felt someone wrap their legs around him koala-style too)

- Giggles and shouts echoed through the room and despite himself (and the numerous sweats stains the huggers left on his new, plain white shirt :)), he felt himself giggling along with these strangers that he has known for a total of 5 seconds

- A chorus of very very enthusiastic “Hi Taeyoung!”s as the group released him from their hug followed, people introducing themselves to him left and right, leaving him slightly disoriented, but like, a good kind of disoriented if that was a thing

- As each trainee introduced themselves properly to him, by what he was guessing as age order– age, years of training, name, all that jazz

- Taeyoung’s eyes finally drifted to the person at the end of the line

- You!!

- There’s a small sign with the word “leader” messily written in black Sharpie on it and he noticed the corners of it didn’t stick on your shirt anymore

- Your eyes shone brightly and warmly, a wide grin etched on your face and Taeyoung felt his heart skip a beat

- Taeyoung seeing you basically: 😳

- You took a big step towards him and extended a hand towards him

- “Hi! I’m (Y/N), leader of this practice room, and you’re watching Disney Channel. Welcome to Starship Entertainment. Let’s get along well!” 

- Taeyoung’s eyes widened slightly. 

- Taeyoung: “what if… what if my hand was sweaty???” 

- “What if my hand sweat disgusts her????”

- To the poor boy’s shock, you retract your hand

- Taeyoung now, his eyes even wider because he thought you hated him now: “Did I make her wait too long????,,, does she hate me??? am i gonna have to leave starship now????”

- Taeyoung stop overreacting

- However, you open your arms very wide, inching closer and closer to him until your body is about 2 inches apart from his

- Taeyoung’s heart right now: THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THU-

- You hugged him in what might the warmest and most comfortable hug Taeyoung has ever received

- After a few seconds, which felt like an eternity for Taeyoung, you broke the hug and ruffled his hair

- “Let’s be good friends, kiddo :D!”, you said while unintentionally kiddo-zoning AND friend-zoning Taeyoung at the same time 

- And become good friends you guys did!

- You were the one he was closest to and the most comfortable with among the female trainees

- Whenever he couldn’t execute a dance move the way he wanted to, you were there at his rescue! guiding him through it and calming him down

- Whenever his throat was feeling sore from all the practicing and singing, you were there to yeet a bottle of water at him and tell him to stay hydrated, ruffling his hair while he whines at you for always treating him like a child

- Whenever he felt sad, down and as if the whole world was against him, you were there to sit down with him, remind him that no! he’s not alone, he had you and the other trainees who cared a lot for him

- Sometimes, you guys engage in deep long talks that last hours

- They always without fail manage to cheer him up and its probably during one of these talks that he starts to crush on you

- And boy does he start crushing h a r d

- The thing he liked most about you was probably the way you were so kind and so encouraging to everybody

- Even if the teachers scolded you for spending too much time helping the others with their moves or something, you didn’t care

- You liked helping others and you had already claimed all the others as your children >:D

- Anyways, the second time where he felt himself fall even deeper for you was on a weekend night, late in the night

- All the others have opted to go out to the movies or to go sing at a karaoke since it was the weekend 

- You, however, decided to stay at the practice room to touch up some dance moves you didn’t feel that good about and Taeyoung stayed because… well because of you

- After practicing for a good while with him and also lowkey just messing around, you laid down on the hard floor, your shirt soaked with sweat, Taeyoung soon following suit. 

- You turn towards him to face him and Taeyoung noticed how pretty you were, even with your sweaty, wet, messy hair plastered to the sides of your face, even when your nostrils were flaring up and down because you were out of breath

- “I never noticed how pretty your lips were” you said and turned back to stare at the ceiling

- While taeyoung’s literally about to flatline because his heart is beating so quickly jssjakak

- He also turns to stare at the ceiling awkwardly because he swears to god, if he looks at you for one more second, he will literally combust

- “R-really?” - him, absolutely shook while you lay there peacefully smiling at nothing

- “Yeah :) they look very soft :)” 

- Taeyoung’s literally shaking at this point

- “T-that’s cool. Your lips are pretty too?? I guess?? N-not to be creepy, i just find them really pretty, like pretty in shape, you know haha? And color too!! Your lip color is really pretty :’DD” 

- He turns back towards you to see you snoring and sleeping peacefully and he just sits there for a minute blinking because

- What just happened

- …

- The poor boy is on the verge of tears because :((( was he that boring to the point where you feel asleep :((( 

- The truth is you were just tired from practicing and from pulling that one nighter yesterday 

- But he didnt know that so whoops

- He ended up just saying fuck it and just fell asleep next to you, his arm under his head serving as a pillow 

- And oh boy y’all bet y’all got teased when the other trainees came back and found you two together

- Taeyoung with his arm around your waist even though he made sure to sleep at least 3 feet away from you last night because he wanted to respect your personal space

- Your face nuzzled into his chest

- Your legs tangled together

- S c a n d a l o u s

- Many pictures were taken on that day

- “God tier blackmail material” - kang minhee probably

- That was the day where you also started seeing taeyoung in a different light

- Maybe… just maybe he wasn’t the kid you always thought he was?

- Maybe he was… a man 😳

- There’s no way, right?? Haha you were just tripping

- … unless ?

- You start paying attention to your hair whenever you practiced with him

- No longer were the days where you liked to agressively flip your hair into his face because what if your hair smelled bad today :(?

- And wow, you really weren’t lying that night

- His lips really were pretty :0

- And how can someone look so good right after waking up at 5 am? And right after dancing for 30 minutes straight?

- And wow he really cleaned up well in a suit and tie when there was a certain formal event you guys had to attend

- You were even afraid to hug him sometimes after practice because what if you got sweat on him :((( what if your sweat disgusts him :((((

- Oh how the turn tables

- Unfortunately, taeyoung being the clueless boy he is mistakes your crush on him to being uncomfortable 

- He racks his mind to think of something he did to offend you or something

- And he suddenly remembers the practice room night

- Did he make you uncomfortable that night? Maybe he should have woken you up instead of laying down with you?

- Goddammit taeyoung - him

- He now thinks you hate him whoops :)

- So now the two of you avoid each other

- You avoid him because you’re still having an existential crisis over whether you really consider him as a crush and a man or a boi™

- He avoids you because he feels guilty for sleeping next to you and thinks you think he’s creepy

- Two idiots in love :)

- And y’all bet the other trainees knows how absolutely dumb and in love the both of you are

- And that is why they formed a plan together to

- !!! lock both of you in a closet to talk out your feelings !!!

- Isn’t that just genius haha nothing’s gonna go wrong right? Of course not

- So, Minhee’s mainly the one behind this absolute evil masterpiece

- He commands tells poor Seongmin to go tell you that you need to retrieve a bucket from the closet 

- While Wonjin’s the one who tells Taeyoung to go there to get a mop for “spring cleaning” even though its almost july

- And as if y’all couldn’t be dumber, you guys buy it and do exactly as they say

- You arrive first to the closet, not noticing the small footsteps behind you as Taeyoung also walks towards the closet, too enthralled by something on his phone to notice you were right before him 

- As you enter the tight closet, you don’t see a bucket?

- Did you get the wrong closet?? :( you remember them specifically saying it was this one though

- You hear the closet door open once again and you yelp, surprised by the sudden creaking and suddenly finding yourself face to face with Taeyoung 

- His nose was literally almost touching yours because of how small the closet was and you feel your heartbeat accelerate

- You didn’t even have the time so say hi to him before the doors suddenly closes followed by the sound of something, or rather somebody locking it. 

- Now that the door was closed, there was no natural light peeking through the crack of the door like before and you both find yourselves in the dark, tight space of the closet

- You stare bewildered at Taeyoung’s direction and you were pretty sure his expression was also mirroring yours before both of you turned towards the door and banged on it 

- It didn’t take long to conclude the others were behind this as the sound of giggling and hushed laughter could be heard from outside

- “YOU FUCKNUTS” - Taeyoung

- You at him swearing: 😶🤭😯😧😮😲

- “LET US OUT”

- “NOT UNTIL YOU TALK TO EACH OTHER AND STOP BEING DUMBASSES. YOU GUYS ARE IN LOVE AND ITS ANNOYING. BYE” sais someone who suspiciously sounded like Minhee

- You knew they weren’t gonna give up so you tried to find where the light switch was so you could at least see

- “Taeyoung, just give it up, do you know where the light is?”

- “IT’S NEXT TO THE DOOR” - a voice from outside

- “Thanks, I guess” you muttered, trying to stabilize yourself when you almost trip on something, which you were guessing was probably Taeyoung’s foot or something like that

- “Ouch!” Yep, that was his foot

- “Sorry, it’s really dark here, can you help me find the light switch. I can’t even remember where the door was” 

- You keep palping the wall to find it when you come in contact with something else :) something that kinda feels like a hand :) like Taeyoung’s hands :) not that you memorized the feeling of his hand shape from holding his hands so many times you could recognize them anywhere anytime :) totally not :)

- You hear a “click” and the light finally comes out of a light bulb from the ceiling and you tightly close your eyes for a second to get accustomed to the sudden change 

- When reopening them, you realize that you and Taeyoung found the light switch at the same time, your hand now on top of his

- You quickly retract your hand, your face feeling kinda warm, and glance at Taeyoung to find that his face, too, was very very red

- “So… um…”

- “Yep…”

- Awkward silence ensues :) 

- “Look y/n i can’t take it anymore… i’m so sorry for making you uncomfortable that night when i slept next to you in the practice room. I was tired and i didnt want to wake you up because you looked so peaceful. Im sorry :(“

- “Wait… what, Taeyoung, you didn’t make me uncomfortable at all. Actually, since that night, I’ve just been really weird. I get weird around you, not in like a bad way. My heart feels weird, my stomach too. Like it feels like having butterflies in your stomach. All this time I thought of you as a kid, and now I might actually,,,,,, seeyoulikeaman?”

- Taeyoung: :0

- sO YOU DON’T HATE ME? Or is this your way of indirectly telling me that you hate me :(“

- “NO NO I DONT HATE YOU AT ALL WHAT MADE YOU THINK THAT”

- Haha nothing just you basically avoiding me 24/7 and not talking to me ever about anything anymore - taeyoung in his head

- “Idk. Wait, what did you say before? You might see what?”

- “Uh, well basically, uhhh…”

- “Does the mighty y/n mayhaps have a crush on me? I think I heard something like “i might see you like a man now”, huh?” Cue Taeyoung grinning like the Cheshire cat

- “Pfft, no, what do you mean, i never said that…”.........

- “Ok, yes, I admit it, I may have a small, teeny crush on you. I don’t know how it happened but it happened. And I actually like the feeling I get when I’m nervous around you. That sounds really weird, doesn’t it? And now I feel stupid because you probably don’t feel the same.”

- Taeyoung who has been crushing on you literally from the second he saw you: :0

- “I have a confession, but… I’ve liked you since the day you hugged me in that practice room my first day at Starship.”

- “WHAT?”

- “You were so kind to me and the others even when I just entered the company. You supported me through all these years and I don’t think I honestly could have picked someone else better than you to crush on. You’re literally an angel in disguise, Y/N.”

- Homeboy really just poured his entire heart and feelings to you in a closet

- “Wow. I guess we were crushing on each other this whole time and didn’t notice.” You couldn’t help but chuckle at the situation. 

- “NOW KISS” - a voice outside, again

- You and Taeyoung shared an exasperated look together. 

- “Leave us alone, this is private >:(((“ 

- “No.”

- You know, Tae,” you put your hand on his arm, wiggling your eyebrows suggestively, “that kiss doesn’t sound like a bad idea” You were now sporting a wide grin. 

- “Y/N NOT YOU TOO”

Bonus

“guys! get us out of here”

“jungmo unlock them”

“...”

“jungmo!”

“i may have forgotten the lock combination…”

“JUNGMO!”

[izupie]

Hey lol I was just looking through the izuocha tag, and just saw your "Ochako's Fanfic" fic. I wanted to suggest another oneshot lol what if Izuku found it? xD

Anon I like the way you think.... (you can’t see me but I’m winking) I’m actually quite free this morning and I am more than happy to respond to this with something for you - hopefully you like it! (just so you know I’m winking again)

Thanks so much for taking an interest in my story! And for coming to me with a request to continue it! 

Continued from this story and this story ~

-------------

Only when his foot had gone completely numb did Izuku finally stand up. Ochako had excused herself for a ‘few minutes’ to get them some snacks from the kitchen, but it had been a while now and she still hadn’t returned. 

He winced as he hopped on his dead foot, trying to get the circulation back into it - a consequence from him sitting stiff-legged on the floor for so long. Their study sessions would be much more comfortable if he had a chair too, but he was a gentleman, and this was her room, so he would always offer the single chair she owned to her, even though they argued about it every time. He’d always take the floor for her.

Painful prickles flared into his foot as feeling began to return to it and he paced around the room as a distraction, pushing down the odd guilt lurking in the back of his mind.

Whenever she left him alone in her dorm room it always made him feel slightly uncomfortable. Out of place almost. It was a feeling that itched underneath his skin, but never seemed to bother him when she was in there too. He supposed it was because he was much more aware that this was her bedroom when it was just him in there. It felt intrusive almost. Private. Intimate.

(Izuku shook his head at the weird way his stomach flipped at that word.)

He usually just sat in one place until she came back, as if him looking around at the room was an invasion of her privacy, even though she was the one who had invited him in in the first place. As if without her there he had no right to be looking around at her stuff.

But driven by his painful foot he slowly limped laps of her room, and he finally let himself take it all in. 

It was plain. 

Izuku scrunched his nose at the sour taste that thought left in his mouth.

Practical was a better way to describe it, he decided.

What else did a person need in a bedroom except somewhere to sleep, somewhere to eat and work, a bit of storage, and somewhere to hang the washing? He appreciated the green accents of her bed quilt and rug too, since it was his favourite colour, but he’d always assumed Ochako’s favourite colour was pink... The only extravagance in the whole room seemed to be the television. Which was a borderline necessity these days. Watching pro-heroes on live tv was still one of his favourite pastimes, and yet he was here in this school where some of his pro-hero idols actually taught him. He supposed the excitement of a hero fan never faded, even when he was living his dream.

Izuku ran his foot gently over the edge of Ochako’s thin rug, satisfied that the numbness and pain had faded completely, and he was just about to return to his spot on the floor when a stack of papers on her desk caught his eye. 

He immediately tore his gaze away, his guilt increasing at feeling curious about her private stuff. But, as if on a camera shutter delay, his mind caught up to his eyes and processed the words he’d seen ever so briefly on the paper before he’d turned. He was sure it had said ‘A Summary of Escapes’ on it, but wasn’t that the paper they’d handed in to Mr Aizawa recently? What was it still doing in her room? 

Izuku remembered Ochako having to have a chat with their teacher after class that day, but when he’d asked her what it had been about, she’d sheepishly dodged the question, so he hadn’t asked again.

He let himself look back at the stack of papers and realised the title wasn’t quite what he had thought. It was actually titled, ‘A Summer Escape’, and before he’d thought anything else of it, he couldn’t stop his eyes from wondering further down the page.

‘The two heroes are so glad of their summer escape together alone. The brunette smiles happily at her green haired companion as they enter the pretty log cabin, but they are surprised to find that it only contains one bed.’

Izuku’s eyebrows rose as he realised it was a story. Did Ochako write this? He knew he should stop reading, it was probably private, but as he turned away, he thought he caught his own name further down the page and he was drawn back.

‘Izuru scratches a hand on the back of his neck and gestures to the living room they just came from. “I’ll sleep on the couch,” he says shyly.’

Oh, maybe it wasn’t his name after all. But now he can’t stop reading.

‘Michako bites her lip and shakes her head. “But it can get so cold in these cabins late at night, even in the summer. There’s enough room for both of us, I’ve shared a bed with my friends loads of times – we’ll fit fine.” The brunette lets out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding when her companion nods with a blush that stains his freckled cheeks red.

“I-I guess. U-Um, only if you’re sure.” Izuru fidgets with his sleeve.

She’s always wanted to tell him how endearing she finds his kindness and sincerity, even though he’s the best hero in the whole wide world, but she’s worried that it will come out far too fond and affectionate and he’ll be able to tell just how she feels about him.

She doesn’t want to do anything that might ruin their friendship.

It would be so much easier if she could tell him how much she admires him and how much she treasures the time they spend together, but she’s scared – more scared than any villain could ever make her.

So, Michako grins as wide as she can, pushes down her feelings, takes a deep breath through her nose and punches his shoulder lightly. “‘Course! We’re best friends, aren’t we?”

She always pushes her feelings down.

She can’t tell him she loves him.

Maybe sharing a bed with him is a bad idea but’-

The handle to Ochako’s door clunked down with a sound that made Izuku spring away from the desk so quickly that he tripped over his own feet and nearly stumbled to the ground.

“Sorry, Izuku, it was a warzone when I got in there. I think Iida’s one food fight away from just banning Kaminari from the kitchen altogether,” Ochako giggled into her hand, “so I tried to help keep the peace and time ran away with me, and I didn’t even manage to get the snacks… are you okay?”

Izuku could barely hear her over the thundering of his heart.

‘She doesn’t want to do anything that might ruin their friendship.’

Why was that line resonating with him? There was a feeling pounding through his chest, matching the beating of his heart, that made him feel like he should be doubled over with the weight of it. He reached a hand up and gripped at his shirt.

‘She always pushes her feelings down.’

Ochako’s wide eyes shined with concern, her eyebrows tilted, and her pretty pink lips were pulled into a frown. “Izuku? I’m sorry I took so long.”

Izuku dragged his eyes up from her lips and shook his head wildly, hands flapping up by his face. “N-No, don’t worry! It’s not that, it’s just- I- um…”

She tilted her head.

“I need to go. Yeah. I, um, I forgot a thing that I need to do. Sh-shower or something. Yeah… Showering! In the, um… the…”

‘She can’t tell him she loves him.’

“In the… bathroom?” Ochako supplied, while everything about her still radiated concern. Izuku thought maybe he could hear a note of hurt in her voice.

“Yes!” he squeaked. He cleared his throat. “Honestly, I only just remembered that I should have had one before I came to study with you, because classes were intense today and I already had a shower this morning but I definitely need another one- not that I smell or anything! I mean- I forgot that I’d planned to have one anyway after school, but like I said, I forgot about it and then while you were gone the memory came back,” he rambled. “So, I waited for you so you so I could explain where I was going.” Izuku took a deep steadying breath. “But… I could come back and we could study later?”

Later being when he’s pulled himself together; slowed the train wreck of his pulse, put the filter back between his brain and his mouth, sorted out the fluttering in his stomach, wiped the sweat from his forehead (why was he sweating?) and generally remembered how to be a functioning teenager again.

The hurt and concern eased out of Ochako’s expression and a smile formed on her face instead as she nodded, oblivious to the internal crisis Izuku was having. “I’d like that. I could go help clean the kitchen some more while you’re gone, and then hopefully by the time you’re back I’ll have the snacks.”

“S-Sounds great. I’m going to go have that shower then.” (He really was.) Izuku walked backwards towards her door and leant heavily on the handle. “See you later Michako- uh! I-I mean, Ochako!” he threw over his shoulder as he practically fled out of the room.

Ochako blinked. “Did he just… call me Michako?”

[chocafe]

— yedam as your boyfriend

pairing: boyfriend!yedam x reader a/n: thank you to the anon who requested a yedam scenario! i made this with the thought of you uwu. sorry if the ending is a little serious- i was listening to a playlist called “i’ll be fine without you” when i got to that part in the writing omfg. also can we all just talk about how good yedam looks in this gif?

yedam never planned on falling in love

he’s been trainee ever since he was a kid and he couldn’t ruin this opportunity by getting into a relationship

but when he met you

he couldn’t help, but to fall for you like a shooting star

all of yedam’s self composed songs are based off of you

black swan?

he wrote that back when didn’t have the courage to confess to you

to unleash his desire to be your boyfriend, he wrote that song

but ya’know the song didn’t help much because he still wanted to be yours and ended up confessing

kind of like how lara jean writes letters to the boys she has loved to help her get over her long crush for them

that’s yedam in this situation

it’s just that he writes songs

and instead of getting over you

he fell in love with you even more

ANYWAYS!

since this is the first relationship yedam has ever been in, he’s very cautious about everything

it’s not that his first thought is “muST BE CAUTIOUS!!!!! WE DONT KNOW THIS PERSON THAT WELL!!!! ERROR 404”

it’s just that he wants to make sure you’re fine with everything he does

he wants to always be on your good side and never wants to rub you off the wrong way

with that being said, at first, yedam used to always ask you for permission whenever he wanted to engage in skinship

“can i hold your hand?”

“can we cuddle?”

“can i kiss you?”

after a while, you got slightly annoyed because you wanted yedam to feel comfortable enough to do whatever he wanted to do

there was no need to ask for permission when you two were dating after all

“yedam, you don’t need to ask me if you can kiss me.” you lectured him. “we’re dating, so you can kiss me, hold my hand and cuddle me whenever you want to.”

you then leaned in and kissed yedam’s lips

you know

to teach him a lesson,,,,

“just like that! if i could abruptly kiss you then you could do the same whenever you want to. the time or location doesn’t matter at all.” your lips stretched into a smile as you ruffled yedam’s fluffy hair

as you finished up your mini lecture

yedam copied you and unexpectedly placed his hand on your waist, pulling you in closer to him, and then proceeded to kiss you

it wasn’t the first time you two have kissed

but you were shooketh

because this was the first time yedam has ever kissed you without asking beforehand

after you two were done kissing, you covered your mouth with your hand and then asked “what was that for?”

“well, you did say that i can kiss you whenever i want to for now on.” yedam broke out into a goofy laughter and then went back to kiss you some more

he’s a big fan of back hugs!!!

he would back hug you and rest his chin on your shoulder

the two of you would stand there and talk or the both of you would sway side to side

ever since the little ‘you don’t need to ask for permission’ incident, yedam came to love back hugs solely based on the fact that he does it to surprise you

he just hates back hugging junkyu lol 

many of your dates occur at night time due to yedam’s busy schedule

the two of you usually stargaze while hanging out at the park

or you would both be at yedam’s dormitory

one time, while you were both cuddling, you accidentally fell asleep because yedam just felt so warm and soothing <333

as you were sleeping, yedam found you absolutely adorable as you clinged onto him

but there was one thing that was off

you were using yedam’s arm as a pillow and his arm became numb because of that

he didn’t want to move his arm because he was afraid that it would wake you up

but man… yedam was sure getting thirsty at that very moment too

[txt] yedam: doyoung

[txt] yedam: can you grab me a glass of water pls

[txt] doyoung: why can’t you get it yourself?

[txt] yedam: bc y/n fell asleep on my arm and i can’t wake them up uhhh

[txt] yedam: also my arm fell asleep too so i think i’m in a crisis

[txt] doyoung: omg youre so lame i hate u both

the next moment, doyoung walks in with a glass of water

but yedam is hushing him down at every footstep he took because he didn’t want doyoung to accidentally wake you up

in all honesty, you were so dead asleep that seunghun could be screaming in the same room and you’d probably wouldn’t wake up to that

you find yedam’s voice so dreamy

that he sings to you whenever he has the chance to

if you’re not able to meet in person, then he would call you and sing you to sleep through the phone

balancing training and school work can be quite hard

especially if you’re yedam who has a high percentage of debuting, so it’s either make it or break it

since yedam hasn’t been top of his school work lately

on some days, you come over to help him with his work

“come on, yedam! it’s not that hard to understand.” you nag at him while pointing at the math equation he is currently stuck on

“listen, i’m trying to become a singer- not some mathematician!”

“if you keep this up then you’re going to lose your spot as one of the top students in class! don’t you want some bragging rights?”

yedam rolls his eyes, out of frustration, and then rests his head on the desk

you poked yedam with a pencil, but he remained quiet and lifeless

“yedam,” you moved in closer to whisper into his ear “i’ll kiss you for every question you get right.”

yedam immediately brought his head up

he was ready to gET A 100% IF THAT MEANS HE COULD KISS YOU

this may explain why he’s still one of the top students, despite his schedule

he’s not really into pda, but he’s always down for skinship when there’s no one around you two

yedam is such an apologetic person

no matter what, he always feels sorry and feels as if he’s always in the wrong

you two don’t usually get in fights, but there was a moment where everything between you two almost came clashing down

“hey, is everything alright?” you questioned him

yedam smiles at every chance he gets, but this time, it was just different

he’s your boyfriend after all

so it was easy for you to detect how his mood has suddenly dropped that very day

“yeah, i’m fine. why wouldn’t i be?” yedam brushed off your question as if it was nothing

you were surprised by his cold response. “you’re not fine. i can see right through you. tell me, yedam, what’s wrong?”

you placed your hand on his shoulder, trying to give him reassurance that you’re hear to listen to him and his worries

instead, yedam took your hand off of him and kept a distance between you two

“don’t you ever think you’re better off with someone who’s better than me?” he mumbled underneath his breath

you were completely shocked by what was running through yedam’s head

“what are you talking about?” you asked once more

“think about it, y/n.” he began to explain his point. “we never have time to meet each other. we hang out once in a blue moon, and even though we go to the same school, we’re both in different classes, so we don’t even come across one another. there’s other boys out there that can give you the time and attention, and i just think you’re better off with them.”

you didn’t want to listen to what yedam had to say because it was far from how you thought of him and your guys relationship

“do you love me?” you interrupted and asked him a simple question

“of course i love you.” he slowly raised his head to look up at you

“then why would i be with someone else when i have you, someone who loves me just as much as i love them?”

you grabbed yedam and embraced him into a meaningful hug

“yedam, it will always be you.”

[localmagicalboi]

So what inspired you to take the magical boy angle?

send anons! my face hurts too much to format this ask too much.

its really a spinoff from the very first verse virote had on this blog, which is him being a summoner in the game universe of final fantasy x. idk if u a fan or not but summoners basically train all their lives to journey across the world, collecting these beasts called aeons to aid them in their pilgrimage, reach the holy place of zanarkand, and then sacrifice themselves in the final battle against a monster named sin in order to save the world. so in tandem with doing magic they also send the souls of the dead into the the afterlife aka The Farplane™!!

so i was like 'yeah ok ill make him a witch! he'll deal with spirits and shit!' but that wasnt enough for me because i look around everywhere and there's a witch. not like there's nothing wrong with that but first off i'm pretentious and i'm stuck up and i gotta crank up everything i'm doing by 100000 if i wanna feel myself getting somewhere. sometimes you gotta have a gimmick in these parts, esp if u got a muse that uh. doesnt really fit the racial demographic. here enters his lore and making him deal with demons and spirits all over the damn place with excessive, planetary magic!

also im a big ass fan of 80s / 90s anime. the magical girl genre, ive seen so many shows. sailor moon, corrector yui, wedding peach, creamy mami, mermaid melody pichi pichi pitch, pretear.... which i actually didnt like gfkljdgdkl but god damn it was pretty. the list goes on. also i combined this with my love for shows that are pretty shonen with more dude oriented casts like. like yuyu hakusho and ushio & tora.

i step back n said to myself ‘self... what if i used this as inspiration for a dude that’s experiencing an existential crisis 24/7. like he’s fighting evil by moonlight and also worrying about what the fuck hes gonna be doing by the age of 30. also binge drinking at gas stations while sobbing to hall & oates.’

also my personal works really dark. my poetry, dark as shit. the audiodramas i’ve written, dark as hell. i’m working on a trilogy of books rn that all based off of demonic wars and biblical prophecy and societies inspired by the illuminati + ordo templi orientis. i just wanna have fun like im not here to write super serious, heavy shit all the time.

i love campy, fun pop culture references. i love the mid2000s and all the tacky glitter and the 70s / 80s japanese city pop feel. glamour, glitz, and absolute god damn ridiculousnes. it’s my faaaaavorite thing.

and honestly i just want people to open my blog and be like ‘this is the tackiest thing ive ever seen in my life.’ whether or not they like it isnt my concern. i dont really care about what literally anyone thinks ever because i’m self-centered and my opinions matters over everything! they can follow or not. liiiiiike..... the 90s magical party bus welcomes all.

so!!! i hope that answered it for u :”) im so sorry this got long thank u so much for sending this in!

I AM REALLY PASSIONATE 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

[frenchibi]

Hello!! 😘Hahahahaha Um so i was stalki- *coughs* 😳i mean scrolling down ur page, reading ur fantastic fluuffy and angsty fics also ur anon replies hahaha u sounds cute hahha the way u reply to them (now that sounds like stalking but not really😱) and saw that one picture about "paid research opportunity: romantic couple study" and was wondering if you could like write an iwaoi about that teehee 😳☺️

Hi there, anon!! First of all - thank you so much for this cute message?? Ahh??? I’m glad you like my writing and my replies, I do try.

As for your request - it got a bit out of hand (and might not quite be what you expected), so I’m gonna put the full fic under the cut (or here, on ao3).

Do check back if you have time and tell me what you thought? To be honest these days feedback is the only thing keeping me from deleting everything.

It’s a foolproof plan. Oikawa is certain.

And not just because it’s, you know, his plan - he’s not exactly known to have the best ideas at all times (though he resents that assessment). This plan, though? It’s fantastic. Everything fits.

When he stumbled on the poster on the board that morning in passing, it felt like divine intervention or something. Finally, an opportunity.

(He deliberately ignores the fact that almost twenty years of friendship have given him more than enough opportunities. Not good ones, though, not failsafe ones, not convincing ones. Never the right time, the right feeling.)

(He’s tired of running.)

(He’s tired of lying to himself.)

Paid research opportunity, the paper reads. Romantic couple study.

~

“So - isn’t it obvious?” Oikawa spins around to face Iwaizumi, gesturing to the poster. “To solve our financial crisis - we pretend we’re dating!”

Iwaizumi stares at him for a full five seconds - before he throws back his head and laughs.

Oikawa is caught between being offended and staring at the unabashed way Iwaizumi is clenching his eyes shut, hands clasped together as he takes a step back and catches himself, as if Oikawa had just told the joke of a century.

When’s the last time he’s seen him laugh like this? Probably recently, even, but somehow, with the way his mind has been working lately, all thoughts directed at Iwaizumi instead of furtively avoiding his (unavoidable) crush, he’s getting more caught up in it than he should be. It’s as if all his filters are suddenly off, and shit, Iwaizumi’s laugh and the effect it has on Oikawa’s heart should be fucking illegal.

Iwaizumi calms down, eyes opening again as he shakes his head. He holds Oikawa’s gaze for another second - and then he turns and walks away.

Oikawa stares after him, dumbstruck, before he snaps out of it, just a little too late.

“Wha- Iwa-chan, wait!”

Iwaizumi chuckles and keeps walking, heading for the stairs. Oikawa breaks into a jog to catch up with him.

“You can’t just- don’t just walk away from me! Hey! I’m serious!”

Iwaizumi barks out another laugh. “Okay, Oikawa. Whatever, man. You do you.”

Oikawa grabs his arm, frustrated, and tugs until Iwaizumi stops walking.

“No!” he says, knowing full-well how petulant he sounds. “Why aren’t you taking me seriously?”

“…really? You need me to answer that?” Iwaizumi pulls his arm free, already turning away again. “Look, it was funny. Let’s move on now.”

“I wasn’t joking, Iwa-chan!”

Iwaizumi stops of his own accord this time, raising his eyebrows at Oikawa.

“Right.”

“No, listen! I know we’re short on money - this is an easy way to fix that problem!”

Iwaizumi scoffs. “By fake-dating.”

“Nobody would know,” Oikawa insists. “And we’re perfect for this - we’ve known each other all our lives!”

“If you want to participate, why not ask one of your fangirls?” There’s no bite in Iwaizumi’s voice, nothing. Oikawa is just about ready to stomp his foot in frustration. Because they’re not who I want to be dating, obviously. Not like he can actually say that.

“They don’t know me, Iwa-chan! Not like you do! Besides, we live together, everything fits, it’s the smartest move-”

“Oikawa - stop. Just- just stop. I don’t know why you’re still pushing, but at this point it’s just… uncomfortable.”

Oikawa does stop, mouth clamping shut.

Uncomfortable.

Yeah, sounds about right.

“…sorry,” he says, and at this point he knows he couldn’t hide the hurt he’s feeling, even if he tried. Not from Iwaizumi. “I wasn’t aware the prospect of dating me is so repulsive to you.”

“That’s not-”

“It’s fine,” Oikawa says, curt. “I’ll keep it in mind. So I’ll know better than to ask you for real.”

It slips out before he can stop himself, bitter and pained, and he presses his lips together tightly right after he says it, as if he could cut off his train of thought that way. It’s stupid, anyway, there’s no way he would-

Iwaizumi opens his mouth, then closes it again. He blinks.

“…Oikawa, are you… are you asking me to- to fake-date you because you want to date me for real?”

Oikawa blinks, hating the startled tears that are building in his eyes already.

“Of course not,” he says, automatic, fake, because of course Iwaizumi hit that spike dead-center. How could he not. “That- that’d be-”

But his usual frivolous responses and bravado are suddenly gone - Iwaizumi tends to strip him bare like that, without even trying.

“…you wouldn’t,” Iwaizumi says. His voice is… wrong. “That’d be… we’re best friends, after all.”

Oikawa wants to jump on this, wants to agree, wants to let this subject drop and wants the ground to swallow him whole. But just as he’s opening his mouth to agree, Iwaizumi stutters over the last word, and-

Oikawa raises his eyes, searches for Iwaizumi’s, heart rate suddenly accelerating because-

He’s blushing.

Iwaizumi Hajime, strong, confident, incredible Iwaizumi Hajime is blushing.

“Would it be weird?” he asks, an impulse, sudden and immediate. He knows this isn’t the place for this, the middle of the hallway on a late afternoon, deserted for now but possibly not for long - if he could choose, he’d have this conversation in the comfort of their shared apartment, or inside an empty locker room, away from possible interference. But when will he get another opportunity? When will he be brave enough to bring it up?

Iwaizumi blinks again, and he can’t seem to look away.

“…would you be disgusted, Iwa-chan? Repulsed?” He pushes past his hesitation, right into his fears, and suddenly, talking is easy again. “I mean - you wouldn’t want that, would you? You know who I am. Whiny, flirty, fake Oikawa-”

“Stop,” Iwaizumi says, and Oikawa does, but mostly because his voice sounds so broken. “If this is a joke - it’s not funny.”

Oikawa shrugs, a helpless smile spreading across his face. “Joke’s on me, anyway. I know you wouldn’t. Sorry for making you uncomfortable.”

He lets out a little sigh, willing his heart to calm down - getting so close obviously got his stupid hopes up, but he knows Iwaizumi doesn’t feel the same, and he needs to get rid of that ruinous feeling before it tears him apart, needs to accept that it’s not gonna happen, not ever-

“You should get back to class,” he says, and he can’t look at him anymore, tears prickling in his eyes, “it wouldn’t do to be late-”

This time, it’s Iwaizumi who grabs his arm and forces him to wait, doesn’t let him get away.

“Oikawa- Tooru, wait.”

Tooru. It means I’m being serious. I need you to drop the act for me.

“Forget it, Iwa-chan, it was just a stupid idea-”

“No. That’s not fair. You don’t get to just-” He makes an exasperated gesture. Oikawa still can’t look at him. “Explain this to me, Tooru. Because- because it sounded- for a second it sounded like I haven’t been imagining this, like you really- like you want-”

“I always want more than people give,” Oikawa says, as smoothly as he can manage, “but you know that, don’t you? I’m selfish. I like being the most important person in your life.”

“No,” Iwaizumi says, “it sounded like you- god, just. Can you look at me, please?”

Oikawa bites his lip, caught. He knows he can’t hide. Not like this.

Slowly, he drags his gaze up to meet Iwaizumi’s.

There’s hurt and confusion in Iwaizumi’s eyes, he looks lost and indignant and all the things Oikawa would have hoped he’d never be the cause of, for him.

“…what do you want me to say, Iwa-chan?” he asks, quiet. Uncharacteristic. He’s just as lost, now, probably. And tired of hiding. “I could say I was kidding, and it was a dumb joke to get you riled up. Then you can shake your head and tell me I’m an idiot and we can move on and forget about all this.”

Iwaizumi acknowledges this by an almost imperceptible nod - he knows, too, that this is how they work, this is how they’ve dealt with these incidents ever since they started happening.

Round and round and round.

Oh, shut up. Idiot.

Quit it, dumbass.

Don’t be stupid, Oikawa. I’ll always be here.

Why are you like this.

Yeah, right.

Whatever, nerd.

There’s never any fire there, any real malice. It’s fond. Exasperated, amused. Familiar.

It should be enough, what they have. But then there are moments, moments where Oikawa can feel some sort of shift into unspoken territory, crossing some line, some boundary, in brief glimpses of vulnerability or in the heat of the moment; bodies a little too close, a hand in his hair or an arm around his shoulders, Iwaizumi’s laugh in his ears, low and warm and happy. Comfortable. Safe.

“Or,” Oikawa says. In the name of these moments he can’t describe, and the hope building in his chest. See me. See me, see me, see me. Please, please just look at me.

Iwaizumi holds his gaze, and it looks like his resolve hardens.

“Or… or I say that you’re right. That… that I asked you because I want what I can’t have, even if it’s just for an afternoon. That I want you to look at me differently. Just once. Just to see what some lucky girl is going to get someday, or some guy who doesn’t have the faintest idea that he’s with the most incredible, breathtaking person-”

He catches his breath because he knows he’s getting carried away, knows he’s sinking into the same fear he’s been carrying since he was 14, that one day someone would come and take Iwaizumi away and never realize that he’s the best, the best person and friend and partner, the kindest and gentlest soul, beautiful and loyal and honest and more, so much more than anyone deserves.

More than Oikawa deserves, for sure. And everything he wants. To be the person who gets to be held by him, who gets to wake up with him, who gets to pepper kisses all over his face whenever he damn well pleases.

He wants to be the reason behind his laughter, and the one to dry his tears. He wants everything he’s so close to but so sure he’ll never reach, and it’s killing him.

“I’m sorry,” he says, into this strange, loaded silence he’s created. “I’m sorry, Hajime.”

Iwaizumi lets out the tiniest of laughs, humorless.

“…sorry for finally telling me the truth? Sounds about right.”

There’s no bite to his words though, nothing upset or disappointed. It startles Oikawa into looking up.

Iwaizumi’s expression is… so raw and open that it catches Oikawa off guard completely, so out of sync with the sound of his voice. He’s blushing and barely fighting back tears, but his gaze is determined, strong. Like he’s found an opening in the opponent’s block.

“So which is it?” he asks with half a shrug. “Is this the part where I shake my head, you’re an idiot, Oikawa and walk away? Or… or is this where I finally get to kiss you?”

Everything just sort of stops. Oikawa is left staring, breath stuck in his throat, blood rushing in his ears.

“…don’t run away from me,” Hajime whispers. “Stop running for one second and look at me.”

And oh, it’s so familiar.

See me, see me. Please, just look at me.

“Iwa-chan.”

He reaches out, fingers finding Iwaizumi’s.

At the touch, Iwaizumi’s shoulders seem to lose some of their tension. Not much, but some, almost impossible to tell. He squeezes back.

It’s out in the open now, said in every way except the actual words. Is this where I finally get to kiss you?

Is this where we finally change, where we’re finally brave enough to take the leap?

There’s no going back.

“It's… safer,” Oikawa whispers, because he needs to be sure, “if you just… walk away from this now.”

Iwaizumi shakes his head. “I’d never forgive myself if I let you get away.”

Oikawa feels the fingers on his free hand twist into the hem of Iwaizumi’s shirt, feels his heart thrashing against his ribs.

“…then… you think I’m worth chasing, Iwa-chan?”

Iwaizumi lets out a laugh, a little too raw.

“I’ve been chasing you all my life.”

Look at me.

And Oikawa does, because he’ll always be drawn to him, to his smiles, to every word he says. Iwa-chan. Hajime.

Iwaizumi is looking at him - really, openly, unabashedly holding his gaze, and suddenly it feels like everything’s on fire.

Is this where I kiss you?

Oh, please, please, please-

Iwaizumi reaches out, with the hand that’s not holding Oikawa’s, and carefully brushes his fingers over Oikawa’s hip, moving up to rest against his waist. Tentative. Oikawa wants him to be less careful, wants Iwaizumi to grab him and pull him close and kiss him senseless, until he forgets his own name and everything he was ever worried about.

But Iwaizumi takes his time. Deliberate. Like Oikawa is precious and fragile. It makes his heart clench painfully in his chest with a longing he has no words for, that takes over everything.

Can’t you see, I’ve always, always-

“Tell me you don’t want this,” Iwaizumi says, suddenly so close, Oikawa can feel his breath ghost over his lips.

“…and if I do?” Oikawa breathes back. “Will you finally kiss me, then?”

“Finally,” Iwaizumi echoes. He’s holding Oikawa in place at his waist, and gently tugs his other hand free to move it up and brush through Oikawa’s hair, fingers coming to rest gently cupping his face.

They get lost in each other’s eyes for a moment, and nothing else exists. Not the sound of a door somewhere on a different floor, not the distant chatter of students out on the campus grounds.

“Hajime,” Oikawa says, “Hajime, please-”

“Close your eyes,” Iwaizumi says, and Oikawa finds that he’s been left breathless once again just by the tone of Iwaizumi’s voice, by how close he is, by standing at the precipice of a monumental change.

Close your eyes. Do you trust me?

His eyes flutter shut, and he’s hyper-aware of Iwaizumi’s grip (light, careful) around him, of the hand tilting his face just a tiny bit, of the breath he feels against his lips-

There’s a second, a second where nothing happens and Oikawa is ready to burst; so, so close to what he’s always wanted, mind and heart racing, holding his breath, it feels like years-

And then, Iwaizumi closes the distance.

Oh, Oikawa never stood a chance.

Iwaizumi kisses him like he’s fragile; slow and soft and unhurried, pressing their lips together in something chaste and sweet and wonderful, so careful it makes Oikawa’s chest ache. His thumb brushes over Oikawa’s cheek and Oikawa can’t help the broken whimper that forces its way out of his throat, tiny and wrecked, or the tears that immediately shoot into his eyes because oh, oh-

Iwaizumi pulls back with a small gasp, overwhelmed, breathless, just like Oikawa is, and they’re staring at each other, eyes locked, neither of them ready to look away.

“Oh,” Oikawa whispers, and the tiniest of smiles, instinctive and honest, tugs at the corner of Iwaizumi’s lips.

“…yeah,” he agrees, gently brushing a strand of Oikawa’s hair behind his ear.

Oikawa bites his lip, because he wants more, wants Iwaizumi to hold him like he means it, wants to be pushed against a wall and taken apart - wants Iwaizumi more than he’s ever wanted anything.

He has no words to ask Iwaizumi to have his way with him, to tell him to please, please, take me, I’m yours-

So he does the next best thing. He brings his own arms up and closes the distance between them, pressing into Iwaizumi’s chest and claiming his lips a second time, more impatient, more forceful, more desperate than before.

And Iwaizumi, he falls into place instantly. He tugs at Oikawa’s hair to bring him closer, lets Oikawa part his lips and deepen the kiss with a low moan, and pulls him in, finally giving Oikawa some of the possessive pressure he’s craving.

Oikawa loses track of time, breaking them apart just to gasp down a breath of air before their lips are connected again, wet and warm and so, so much better than he could ever have imagined. Finally, Iwaizumi kisses like he craves it, like Oikawa is all he’s ever wanted, like he’d choose him every single time. Like he’s just about ready to shove him up against a wall and leave hickeys all over his neck.

Oikawa really, really wants him to. He wants the world to see that he’s finally, finally-

They break apart, and Oikawa immediately chases Iwaizumi’s mouth, but he stays just out of reach with a breathless laugh, pressing their foreheads together.

“…hey,” he whispers, and Oikawa’s heart skips a beat.

“Iwa-chan.” It’s more a whine than anything else, why did you stop and kiss me again.

“Just,” Iwaizumi says, with another soft laugh, “just- before- before we get carried away and we can’t go back, I just-”

He stops, holding Oikawa’s gaze, and Oikawa realizes that his eyes are damp, too.

“I just need you to know. This - this isn’t a spur of the moment decision. I don’t- I don’t want it to be a one-time thing.”

Oikawa tightens his grip on the back of Iwaizumi’s shirt, heart clenching in his chest.

“Oikawa, I- I’m in love with you.”

Iwaizumi is the only person Oikawa knows who could pull off a confession like this and leave him completely and utterly speechless, breathless and on the verge of tears.

I’m in love with you.

I want this to mean something.

“Oh,” Oikawa whispers, “thank god.”

They’re both winded, incredulous, relieved, and Oikawa really, really wants to kiss him again. He feels like he’s on fire, like the places Iwaizumi has touched are burning in the best possible way.

Iwaizumi is searching his face, and Oikawa slides into a smile - the one he’s always been trying to hide because he knows how his feelings bleed out into it, and how Iwaizumi can read him like an open book.

He doesn’t fight it now - not the smile, and not the stupid, honest tears that are starting to trickle down his cheeks. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that his knees suddenly feel like they can’t hold him up anymore, because Iwaizumi is right there to brush away the tears, and to catch him in his arms.

Right now he seems a little busy with laughing though, small chuckles that slowly build into something bigger.

“…what?” Oikawa asks, not really worried, just slightly bemused. “What’s so funny?”

“You,” Iwaizumi says. “You- you wanted to fake-date me.”

Oikawa pulls his face into the most indignant pout he can muster, revelling in how it makes Iwaizumi snort.

“No fair, Iwa-chan. I had to do something ! I was going crazy, okay?”

“Oh, yeah?” He’s pulling him close by his hips, grinning.

“Yeah,” Oikawa says, eyebrows furrowed somewhere between for show and actual concern. “I just- I was… I don’t know. Too afraid to ask directly.”

Iwaizumi goes quiet for a moment, pensive. “…I get that,” he says slowly, fingers playing with the hem of Oikawa’s shirt.

“…yeah. Sorry it… took so long.”

Iwaizumi shakes his head and smiles. “No. It’s- it’s okay. This is… this is good, right? We don’t have to… think about missed opportunities.”

Oikawa knows he will, because he always gets hung up on what if, no matter how many times he tells his brain to shut the hell up. But maybe- maybe, with Iwaizumi, it’ll be okay. So he grins, and tightens his own grip.

“…I think we’ve got a lot to make up for.”

…and that’s it! If you enjoyed this, please reblog, because it’s the only way my work will get seen!

Shoot me a message or leave a comment on ao3 to tell me what you thought! Did you like this? Hate it? Tell me

[daehwi]

hey kenia! i saw your reply to the anon abt how other trainees didnt make it too, and i just wanna leave a friendly reminder to not let these anons make you overly anxious! even though it's clear that you have not been neglecting other trainees (as seen through your links), i want to point out that you actually have every right to be more upset over some trainees being eliminated than others! that's the point of the show, we each have our own favs and will therefore be more emotionally attached+

+ i’ve been following up on your blog for a while and i have noticed that you are super considerate in all your posts to everyone’s thoughts and opinions of the show, and honestly you are fab for that, but i also want to tell you that it’s okay to express your own emotions and opinions once in a while, especially when this is YOUR blog gurl !!! if blogging about these thoughts and emotions helps you deal with it, go for it! sorry for the essay haha but i didnt like seeing u get anxious over it!

I hope these two asks go together because they got shuffled around in my inbox. kjrlrewlkjew 

I’m kind of too sensitive to others, I guess. From years of stanning Nu’est, I know firsthand about the frustration that comes with seeing your fave be ignored by the public. So I understand that others are just as frustrated as I am about their favorites and I don’t ever want to dismiss those feelings. I don’t ever want to make anyone feel like their opinions don’t matter or that their emotions don’t matter. Everyone needs someone to vent to and I try to put aside my biases as much as possible when people do vent in my ask or in their own posts. 

I agree that we’re all emotionally attached and that’s why it’s important to be there for everyone- I just hope people keep in mind that it’s not easy to ignore your own pain about a certain trainee so venting about that pain (as long as it’s not explicit hate) shouldn’t be dismissed either. I would hate to dismiss the anon who sent the post because I’m sure it’s born from their love for the eliminated trainees and (I hope) not from anything against me.

I think I’ve mentioned this in another ask but I’m also the kind of person that’s very guarded- partly because my words have been misconstrued in the past. I’ve also volunteered at crisis centers during freshman and sophomore year of college and their training is sort of ingrained into me at this point so it’s second nature for me to try to view things from other people’s perspectives and to think of my emotions as 2nd to theirs. 

I’ve been working on being nicer to myself, though, and allowing myself to feel whatever it is I feel because everyone’s emotions are valid. erjwelr I don’t know how to put things into words right now, and this answer is all over the place so I’m sorry about that.  jrkewlrjewlkhw

Please know I am really grateful for you and all the wonderful people that never let me forget that I matter as well. :’)

[eagleslouis]

this is an anons larry break up theory and its long so im putting it under a cut jskdkkc

Anonymous said: Hey I saw you were doing timelines so I thought Id send you my take: So I think Larry were v tghtr, (like not the BL fantasy where the only fight was over who loves who The Mostest! I think u can see there were issues - like those larry stylinson triangle vids did catch some early truths imo- but they were truly madly deeply In Love) until TIU promo season. ¼  

2/4 And then I think at TIU promo you can start to see the cracks - I reckon H was being courted heavily by HW from the time the rushes of ‘This Is Harry’ were floating around. Plus I believe Azoff senior has been in the picture for longer than most think and far from being an enemy of OT, prob had a hand in the US mkting since early on. The Kdash connections start very early. But I think they really started their push for Holo, summer 13- and I think Pa*ge was Jefe first set up. I also think H

¾ was cagey as fuck and kept Pa*ge and all the solo offers and meetings 'close too his chest’ and hence Figi and what happened to L after the Haige picture came out. So I think late 2013 was v rocky and then they tried to spend new years tghtr but H spent the whole time networking and still being real evasive about his intentions, so L bailed and they were deadass on a break til April/May 14. Also with band stuff I think there were crisis meetings. They were so tense and off at the Brits

4/4 that it sent the break up rumours into overdrive and then there were those meetings in LA and that nasty Azoff and her #TeamHarry shit stirring. But in the end obv they sorted things. I think from May to Four promo they were more solid than ever but then BS 2.0 and my headcannon is that something happened with Zourry then that just set everything since in train. The change in Harry is from then and idk what it was whether it was Zouis not trusting Azoffs and not wanting to follow their plans

5/yikes!sorry! Or if H felt embarassed by BS2.0 ( I do think he has a v fragile ego)Anyway I think there were plenty of people just waiting on a chance to seperate H from the others and they seized the day. As for everything since Jan 2015 im a big ??? Every theory I come with Im like, but whatabout? All I know for sure is Azoffs are manipulative pieces of shit, H sold his soul for ½ Zs sales and Ls been through hell but still looks healthier than the real dark days of 2014 .

tbh i dont agree with most of this. but it actually is really interesting and like, i dont think they were really broken up at that point like you, but i do think harry started to change at that point. i cant see them being broken up in 2013 purely for the reason that harry would always like, subtly allude to them as a couple, y’know (with the still the one stuff). and the triangle videos i know.. i think about that a lot but i dont think those are like an accurate representation idk, harrys always been like that really (doesnt mean its good!). thinking about it, like, i dont know if i agree, but the azoffs being bts for longer than we know makes sense. especially with his promo now, like, the haige stunt fits, y’know. the kdash ehhh i dont know. but the wanting harry solo in 2013 i absolutely absolutely agree. i dont even think its a question. most of the gp could him wanting to be solo, and he was doing a ton of solo writing and recording in 2013 too like. and then he said they should take a break in late 2014, right? obviously he had to think about that for a while so at least in early-mid 2014. its possible they were on a break idk but i know louis’ behavior was really really bothersome. thats why i think like.. harry changed around this time and louis got pissed i guess. so i guess they did take a break? but if anything i dont think they took a break until like late july-august 2014. but the crisis meetings i AGREE so much. like theres so much unexplained stuff about concerts and during tour and award shows like if hl were tense it literally can only be explained by them being a couple having issues, y’know. i agree with that. obviously i disagree with where you think they were the most solid.. i think thats where they were either broken up or leading to being. bs 2.0 kinda confuses me because i can totally see that causing issues, but then louis got the dagger like two weeks later so??? i think they broke up sometime in december i think. rip. but i do think zayn caused issues with them.. since the very beginning. harrys jealousy, zayn leaving and allegedly wanting to bring louis, etc etc. and yeah the last part about ??? i know. its because everythings behind the scenes and like no one truly knows. it makes me head hurt. thats why i find it easiest to like.. say harry led louis on in 2015.. because personally i can see him doing that because of his ‘new’ personality and like who he is surrounded by. but it also explains a lot imo. and the last sentence i TRULY KNOW. like. louis is much much much better off.. even with all the awful shit thats happened to him lately, hes still not SO stressed, you know what i mean? im happy for him and i just want the best for him. and the azoffs and harry can just have fun dreaming of what they could be i guess.