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justagalwhowrites · 2 years ago

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Lavender - Ch. 30

You, Joel and Ellie come to new understandings following Tess' death. A continuation of Lavender Ch. 1-29 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: None for this chapter! No use of Y/N. Whole fic is violent and smutty so Minors DNI, 18+ only.

Length: 4.7k

“Should stop here for the night,” Joel said.

It was the first thing any of you had said in hours. The sun was setting, the woods around you were stilling.

You’d made it a few miles outside the city, the three of you trudging more than walking. You were glad that Ellie had been quiet. It wasn’t her usual way and you really didn’t want her pushing Joel’s buttons, not right that moment. You only really needed to get through the next day with him, that was all. Even though thinking of everything after that made your chest hurt.

The two of you followed Joel off the trail to a level patch of ground. He dropped his pack and just looked at you for a moment.

“Need a minute,” he said eventually, stalking off in the woods.

“Shouldn’t have just left her like that,” Ellie muttered, plopping down by a tree and leaning back against it with a sigh.

“There’s nothing we could have done,” you said quietly. She looked at her own arm, which you’d patched up once you were clear of the city. “Ellie.” She looked at you. “You couldn’t have fixed her. It’s not on you. None of this is on you.”

She tensed her jaw and looked back down at her arm. You sighed.

It wasn’t Ellie’s fault but it was yours. You sat down, away from Ellie, and leaned back against a tree, closing your eyes. If you weren’t so fucking useless out here…

You saw the infected go for Joel and you’d just reacted. Shooting it probably hadn’t been smart but it had been instinctual. He was in danger. It didn’t matter that Joel would have been better at handling it than you, you had a gun and you could handle it now, you could kill it or draw it away from him and that’s what mattered. For a second, you forgot that you had to protect Ellie, too. For a second, you’d only been worried about him.

And then the gun jammed.

All you’d been able to do was watch the clicker come for you and throw Ellie out of the way. You hadn’t thought to try to reach your knife after you threw her, didn’t have any other option but to try to hold the clicker back, you weren’t strong enough to shove it off you. Its snarling, gnashing teeth and fungus enveloped face were inches from your skin when Ellie hurled herself at it, her insignificant weight nothing when compared to the large, now inhuman body that was crushing yours. Tess had been all but forced to step in, knocking the thing away from you. All because you’d been fucking stupid.

In hindsight, your last conversation with Tess made infinitely more sense.

You’d sent Joel and Ellie on ahead - wanting to put distance between both of them and the museum - while you worked on Tess’ ankle.

“Let me know if what I’m doing hurts,” you said, gently taking off her battered boot. “The goal is to make sure we can get you to walking comfortably. We’ll see if the Fireflies have something that can set you up better for a long trip…”

She looked you over for a moment, her back against the building as you checked her ankle.

“Shouldn’t have yelled at you,” she said. You glanced up at her. “That day, at the clinic. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

You shrugged, going back to work.

“Wasn’t like I was being a particularly nice person,” you replied. “I deserved it.”

She looked at you again.

“He did it to protect you,” she said. You looked up from her ankle. “Joel insisting on taking Andrew. He did it to protect you. The raiders were getting bad and the worst thing a raider will do to a man is kill him. Maybe torture him first if he’s got something they’re after but shot quick is how it goes. Women they take. He wasn’t willing to risk that, not with you.”

“Why are you telling me this?” You asked after a moment, grabbing a bandage from your pack and starting to wrap her ankle now that it was properly aligned.

“Because he’s too much of a fucking idiot to tell you himself,” she said. “He’s always been an idiot when it comes to you. He’s my best friend, he’s been my best friend for a decade and a half and one of the most consistent things about the man is that he’s a fucking idiot when it comes to you.”

“Are you sure he’s not just an idiot when it comes to most things?” You teased, glancing up at her, but her face was serious. You frowned, pausing your work, holding her ankle. “Tess, are you OK?”

“I’m fine,” she said through gritted teeth. “I’m just tired of him fucking things up with you. If everything is going to change then you should at least know that he wasn’t trying to be an asshole. He was trying to protect you.”

You sighed and went back to wrapping her ankle. When you finished the job, you helped her put her boot back on, tying the top as snug as she could bare to help support the wrap.

“At least you’re going to have at truck and you won’t be walking it to wherever the hell Tommy wound up,” you said, helping her to her feet. “And now you have a great excuse to just make Joel drive the whole way…”

She smiled grimly at that. You took a few practice steps with her to make sure her feet were under her before you started going over the board, Tess taking the crossing one slow step at a time.

When you were both across, she looked at you again.

“I feel like if things had been different, you and I would have been friends,” she said. And then she frowned. “Or better friends, I guess. You’re kind of the closest thing I have to a friend besides Joel.”

“Me too,” you half smiled at her. “We can always try now. Bit hard given everything but…”

“You still care about him,” she said. “Don’t you?”

You frowned at her.

“Are you sure, you’re OK?” You asked.

“Doc.”

“Yeah,” you looked straight ahead. “I’m always going to care about him, I’m always going to love him…”

She nodded before cutting you off.

“I need a favor,” she said, stopping in the street and looking at you. You stopped, too, your frown deepening. “If… If something happens to me, I need you to make sure he’s OK.”

“Tess, I’m not exactly a survivalist…” you replied but she shook her head.

“Not that way, he’ll be fine that way,” she said. “He needs someone. Right now, I’m who he has but he can’t survive without both of us. He needs someone. If something happens to me you need to make sure he’s OK.”

“Tess…” You were going to fight her on it. Tell her that you were pretty sure he didn’t WANT you to be someone to him, but she didn’t let you.

“Promise me.”

You sighed but she squared her jaw and fixed her eyes on you, like she was ready for a fight.

“Promise me!”

“OK!” You said quickly. “OK, I’ll make sure he’s OK. I’ve come running to patch him up enough times. I think you know that I’m always going to try to make sure he’s OK.”

She looked relieved.

“Good,” she nodded, a sense of finality to it, and she headed for the statehouse.

She had known, of course. She’d been bitten and she had hours left, at best. And she’d tried to make sure Joel was going to be OK.

How the fuck were you supposed to make sure Joel was OK?

He eventually returned from wherever he’d gone, still silent. He sat against a tree. After a bit, you went in your bag and got out what food you had. You gave some to Ellie, who crinkled her nose a bit at it, and tried to hand some to Joel. He just stared at it.

“You’ve got to eat something,” you said. He looked up at you. You wanted to apologize but didn’t want to push him too far. “It’s been a long day.”

He took it. You sat down again.

It was so quiet you could hardly bear it, Ellie eventually sighing and laying down, using her backpack as a pillow. Joel got up and draped his jacket over her before turning to you.

“Get some rest,” he said, his voice flat. “I’ll keep watch. Won’t be able to sleep anyway.”

“Joel,” you said softly. He just shook his head.

It wasn’t a restful night for you. Your dreams were filled with snarling, inhuman things that were always outside your control but never outside someone else’s. When you jerked awake, the sun was just starting to rise, the horizon blood red and purple.

Ellie was still asleep under a tree, her face tight. She probably wasn’t sleeping well, either. Joel was sitting, back to you, on a log.

You quietly got into your bag and found the notebook you’d tucked your pictures into. You found the one with Tess before heading for Joel.

He glanced up at you when you went to join him but didn’t say anything.

“I’m really sorry, Joel,” you said quietly. He sniffed, staring straight ahead. “She really cared about you. I know you cared about her…” You weren’t sure what to do with the gnawing guilt inside you, just that you couldn’t give it to him. “I’m here, if you need it.”

You handed him the picture. He looked at it and it hurt too much to be beside him then.

“I’ll be back in a bit,” you said. You didn’t wait for a response, desperate to put some space between you and Joel while you could get it.

***

“Where’s Doc?”

The kid’s voice was sleepy. The sun was fully up now.

“Said she’d be back soon,” he said gruffly.

“Oh,” she slumped back against the tree, the hair that had come out of her ponytail frizzy and wild around her face. She looked down at her lap, frowning for a second before looking back at him. “Want your jacket back?”

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t particularly feel like saying anything. The kid just sighed heavily, got up and brought him the jacket, dropping it on his pack before stomping back toward the tree she’d slept against. He ground his teeth.

Where the fuck were you?

He wasn’t sure what time it was. He wasn’t great at gauging how much time had passed since you’d left camp that morning. His mind wasn’t quite keeping up with things. He’d looked at the picture of Tess for a long time. She looked happy there. Happier than she ever really looked in the years he’d known her.

“About Tess,” the kid said.

“Don’t want to hear it,” he snapped.

“Well that’s too damn bad,” she snapped back. “It sucks that she’s dead but it’s not my fault and it’s not Doc’s. You and Tess decided to take us, we didn’t make you and Marlene didn’t make you. So don’t blame us because shit got bad. It’s not our fault so don’t pretend like it is.”

He just looked at her for a moment. She was right. He knew she was right. But then, he hadn’t planned on blaming either of you, anyway. No, this fell on him.

Him, stepping on the fucking glass. Him, not able to kill the damn thing before you intervened. Him, giving you a gun that jammed. Him, not able to get to you in time so Tess stepped in.

Him failing, failing, failing. Tess dying.

You came out of the trees, arms crossed tightly over yourself.

“Let’s go,” he said, voice gruff. “We’ve got about a five hour hike ahead of us.”

Joel led the way. Ellie had, apparently, decided one day of quiet was enough and started asking questions.

Mercifully, most of them were directed at you. The kid had never been out in nature before and it seemed like she had every fucking question in the world about it.

“So why haven’t we seen more animals?”

“How old are these trees, anyway?”

“Why was it just humans and not deer and shit who got infected?”

It was almost like watching you teach a class. You patiently answered all her questions, making sure she understood the root concepts you were using to respond to her. Part of her, it seemed, was just hungry to be acknowledged, have her thoughts recognized and understood. He could understand that. Sympathize with it.

And then she turned to the more personal questions.

“So,” she turned at walked backwards, facing the two of you. “Who’s Tommy?”

She raised her eyebrows, almost singing his name. Like she was trying to get under your skin. You groaned.

“It really doesn’t matter,” you said.

“I mean I think it does since you were apparently fuck…”

“What have I said about language?” You cut her off.

“That you don’t like swearing in your classroom and that there are appropriate times to swear,” the kid said matter-of-factly. “But we’re not in your classroom and that seemed appropriate to me.”

“Ellie,” you sighed.

“What?” She said. “C’mon, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend!”

“He hadn’t been my boyfriend in a very long time,” you replied. “There was no reason he would have told me where he was going. He would have been more likely to tell Joel…”

“Joel,” her nose crinkled. “Why.”

“He’s my brother,” he ground his teeth.

“Ohhhhh,” she said, turning back around to face forward again. “So THAT’S how you know each other, OK…”

“That’s not…” you began and then seemed to think better of it. But you didn’t stop yourself fast enough for Ellie.

She turned back around.

“So how DO you know each other then,” she asked.

“Why do you want to know?” Joel asked, before looking at you. “Kids always ask this many questions?”

You just raised your eyebrows at him.

“If I’m going to be traveling with you two for a while…” Ellie began.

“Just goin’ to Bill and Frank’s,” Joel cut her off.

“Whatever,” she waved him off. “I’m the one stuck traveling with you two and you’ve got some kind of problem with each other. Kinda shitty for me to have to tiptoe around a problem when I don’t even know what the problem is.”

She just looked at you both, brows raised, thumbs looped through her backpack straps. You glanced at Joel. He sighed.

“Knew each other before,” he said eventually.

“Like you were friends?” She asked.

Joel ground his teeth.

“We were friends,” you replied.

“Just friends.” She sounded skeptical. You glanced at him again and it was a long enough pause that her mouth formed a small “o” before she started to laugh. “And you went out with his brother! Man, Doc, who knew you had it in you…”

You groaned. Joel resisted the urge to smile. Maybe the kid’s questions weren’t ALL bad.

“So is that how you got that scar on your head?” She asked Joel. “Get punched by your brother over a girl?”

She was teasing him. He ground his teeth.

“No,” he said, looking for something to say. He had never even told you what happened, certainly wasn’t about to tell some fuckin’ kid. “Someone shot at me and missed.”

“Did you shoot him?” She asked, voice serious again.

“No,” he replied. “I missed, too. Happens more often than you’d think.”

“Because you suck at shooting?”

Joel glared at her. She just rolled her eyes, facing forward again.

Joel led the three of you to a gas station that had become a hiding spot for supplies between Boston and Lincoln. Ellie went deeper inside while you looked over the shelves, not that there was much left. You picked up an old magazine, idly flipping through it.

“Anything good?” Joel asked.

“JLo and Ben Affleck called off their wedding,” you said, turning a page. “Too bad, too. Thought those kids were going to make it…”

Joel snorted.

It took Joel a second to find just where he’d stashed things, but an overturned shelf was on it now.

“Help me move this,” he called you over. You just nodded and picked up one side of it, getting it just far enough that he could access the floorboard. He kicked aside some of the remains from the shelf - mostly trash - but stopped when he noticed you staring down at something.

You’d all but frozen where you stood, a granola bar wrapper crumpled on the floor. You looked like you were about to cry.

“You OK?” He frowned.

“Fine,” you said quickly, picking up the wrapper and booking it for the door. “Just need some air, I’ll be outside.”

Joel looked toward the door Ellie had gone through for a moment before going after you.

You were pacing the parking lot, looking at the fucking wrapper. You were crying.

“Hey,” he said. Your head snapped up. You sniffed and wiped your tears, trying to hide it. “What’s going on.”

“Nothing,” your voice was thick.

“Not nothing.” He nodded to the wrapper. “Why’s that upset you.”

“Just haven’t seen one of these in 20 years, that’s all,” you said, not looking directly at him.

“Never seen you cry over trash before,” he said. “Why’s it upset you.”

“These stupid things are all I could eat when I was pregnant, OK?” You said quickly, almost angrily. But then you looked up at him, almost like you were scared of what he’d say. “I’m sorry, I know it’s… it’s a sore subject but… I had just fucking awful morning sickness, I couldn’t hold down anything but Clif bars and I haven’t seen them in 20 years and I hadn’t thought about that in so long and… It’s probably the reason I wasn’t infected to begin with, these were all I was eating. It’s what me and Andrew survived on, I had a whole stash at the house that I brought with me… It just caught me off guard, that’s all. I’m sorry.”

He just stood there, looking at you for a moment, the wrapper still in your fingers. He realized then that he’d actively avoided picturing you at that time. What it would have been like for you to make your way to Boston 20 years ago, especially knowing all that he knew now. But he imagined that you would have looked then much like you did now - small, vulnerable, scared. Part of you hurting and trying to hide it. It made his heart ache.

“Can I hold you?” He asked. Your eyes met his, surprised.

“You don’t have to…” you said, but he shook his head.

“I want to,” he said. “If you’ll let me.”

You didn’t say anything. You just kept your eyes on him and moved slowly, cautiously, until your face was against his chest, his chin on top of your head. His arms went around you, pulling you tightly to him. He could feel you breathing like this, the shuddering of you against him as you cried. He cradled your head to his chest and breathed you in, the last of the smell of your shampoo clinging to your hair through the wilderness and smoke and sweat.

“Ew!” Ellie came stomping outside a few minutes later. “See, this is why I needed to know what the problem was, apparently can’t leave you two alone for five fucking minutes…”

You pulled back from him, still sniffing a bit but no longer crying. You tucked the wrapper in your pocket.

“What, Gremlin? Want a hug, too? Feeling left out?” You smiled at her, your arms out. Ellie backed away, shaking her head, trying not to smile. “Come on…”

You drew the last word out and jumped at her, making her yelp and laugh before hiding behind a dilapidated gas pump. Joel felt himself smile a little before he realized he was doing it as he went inside to find his things.

“Are Bill and Frank nice?” Ellie asked as they neared Lincoln.

“Frank is,” Joel muttered. “Bill’s… Bill.”

“I’m surprised you don’t get alone with him better, honestly,” you said, looking up at Joel. He frowned. “Birds of a feather and all that.”

“Oh so Bill’s an asshole,” Ellie nodded sagely. “Got it.”

You snorted. Joel glared at you. You smiled a little back at him. It felt almost normal, almost like how life had been before. He’d missed it.

Lincoln was oddly quiet when the three of you arrived. Joel glanced down at you and he knew you felt it, too, a slight frown on your face. He waved to the camera but didn’t wait for a response. Instead, he just keyed in the code Bill had given him.

“Don’t leave the fenced area,” he ordered Ellie. “Not only are there sometimes infected and raiders in the woods, Bill’s got the perimeter booby trapped to hell and back…”

“Right, stay in town and don’t go looking for any fucking clickers,” she rolled her eyes. “Got it.”

Joel kept his weapon drawn as he made his way toward the house, looking behind him to make sure you’d shut the gate and were following, too.

He realized then some of what had made him uneasy. The plants in the planters had gone brown and were drooping. The grass was yellowing. Things that Frank never would have let happen.

“Shit,” he muttered. He looked behind him again. “Stick close.”

He knocked, hard, on the front door. There was no response but it was unlocked. He let himself in.

“Frank?” He yelled. “Bill?”

There were still plates on the table, the remains of the food rotting.

“Ugh,” Ellie crinkled her nose.

You frowned, going for the kitchen. You opened the fridge.

“Definitely been a bit since they were here,” you said. “Probably a week at least, you know how Bill was with cooking and labeling things…”

Joel started peering through the house, searching for some sign of where they’d gone, when they might return…

“Hey guys?” Ellie called from the dining room. He got to the room at the same time as you. Ellie was sitting at the table, her legs propped up on another chair. She held up a piece of paper and you frowned, going to look over her shoulder. “It said ‘to whomever but probably Joel’ so… I figured I was allowed to open it.”

He came to her shoulder as well. She looked up at the two of you before she started reading.

“If you find this… please do not come into the bedroom. We left a window open so the house wouldn’t smell, but it will probably be a sight.

“I’m guessing you found this, Joel, because anyone else would’ve been electrocuted or blown up by one of my traps. Hehehehehehehehe. Take anything you need. The bunker code is the same as the gate code but in reverse. Anyway… I never liked you, but still, it’s like we’re friends… almost. And I respect you. So, I’m gonna tell you something because you’re probably the only person who will understand. I used to hate the world, and I was happy when everyone died. But I was wrong because there was one person worth saving. That’s what I did. I saved him. Then I protected him.

“That’s why men like you and me are here. We have a job to do. And God help any motherfuckers who stand in our way. I leave you all of my weapons and equipment. Use them to keep…”

You were gone before she could say Tess’ name. Ellie just looked up at him, her eyes wide. Almost like she wanted to say she was sorry but wasn’t sure how.

He took the letter from her and went outside, too. He looked for you for a moment and caught a glimpse of you heading for the pharmacy. He took a deep breath, looking down at the paper again, remembering what you’d said about him and Bill. That they were the same.

He may have been different once, back when he first fell in love with you. Back when he felt capable of it. He’d become more like Bill since then. But there were still small glimpses of who he’d been before, of the man who thought that life was worth it. They were almost all with you.

It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Tess. He did. There was a knot in his chest, knowing that he’d failed her. If he could have changed it, traded places with her, he would have. In a heartbeat. And the world would have been better for it.

But she wasn’t who he was here to save. She never had been, and both of them had known it.

He still felt it when he held you. That there was something he’d been built for, made to do: protect you. Before, that meant picking you up after a shitty date with a bad guy or making sure you didn’t overdo it when you got your appendix out. It had meant lifting your suitcase onto the scale at the airport when you flew home because he didn’t want you moving something heavy. Now, it was different. Now, it meant killing what scared you or threatened you.

Now, it meant getting you and an immune girl across a wasteland of infected and raiders in one piece.

He poked his head back in the house and found Ellie, now standing at the piano.

“Stay in the house,” he ordered, before going to find you.

He found you quickly. You were in the pharmacy, rifling through the shelves. Because Bill had locked down the town so early, there was still plenty left. Almost everything you hadn’t taken after FEDRA had stopped producing certain things was still there, minus what Bill and Frank had used through the years.

You turned and jumped when you saw him, your hand going to your heart.

“Scared me,” you said. Your eyes were shiny with tears, rimmed in red.

“You OK?” He asked. You just nodded, going back to sorting through medications, your back to him. “Hey,” he said after a minute. “Talk to me.”

“I’m sorry, Joel,” you said, turning to face him. You leaned back against the counter behind you, your fingers digging into it so hard your knuckles were white. “I fucked up, I got her killed…”

“No,” he shook his head. “You didn’t.”

“If I’d just…”

“Not your fault,” he said again. His voice was gentle, his eyes wide and you couldn’t seem to bring yourself to look at him. You were looking at a half empty shelf of drugs instead, your cheeks wet.

You took a deep, shaky breath, before actually looking at him.

“I’m going to get her there,” you said, your voice surprisingly steady. “I’m not sure how yet but I can take a few days here, make a plan…”

“I’m taking you,” he cut you off. You frowned at him.

“Joel, no,” you shook your head. “No, I can’t ask you…”

“You’re not,” he replied. “I’m tellin’ you. You’re not doing this just you and her, you’ll get yourselves killed and then what the fuck would be the point. I’m takin’ you.”

You took a deep breath and he could tell that you were getting ready to argue with him so he cut you off.

“I already need to find Tommy,” he said. “Come with me. He knows where the lab is, right? You said he tried to get you to come there, said it was nice? We’ll find him, he can get you to the lab.”

You looked at him for a moment, eyes still glistening.

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Joel,” you whispered.

“Then let me get you there,” he said softly, stepping closer to you until he was right in front of you. “Don’t make me lose you, too.” He could feel the heat of you against him, could smell your skin. You looked up at him for a moment before you just nodded and pressed your face into his chest. He put his arms around you for the second time that day.

“I’m going to get you there,” he said. “I promise.”

A/N: About to get on the road to Kansas City! As an FYI, we're going to get some stuff fairly in line with canon through that, then have a stretch of all OC shit for a bit. I hope everyone is enjoying this weird smushing it together thing I'm doing because I'm having fun with it!

I have a taglist, please comment below if you'd like to be added or if you've already asked but I slacked off and didn't add you like a chump.

Thank you, as always, for reading and spending time with these characters and my work! All your love for it has made this such a joy to share and I couldn't love you more!

Taglist: @paleidiot @ayamenimthiriel @ginger-swag-rapunzel @drewharrisonwriter @flugazi @pedropascalsbbg @taoyuji @starstruckmusiciansartghost @splendsay @bigboiseason123 @jpbplvr @ashleyandring @mrsyixingunicorn10 @sloanexx @ninaminaromina @lady-bellyn @hufflepuffriver @sarap-77 @storyarcscribe @mellymbee @jasminedragoon @lemonmeli @reds-ramblings @arizonadaydreamer @mumma-moonchild @blackroseguzzi @candypeaches16 @kittenlittle24 @wrappedinfiction @oatmeaiboy @pedritosdarling @winchestergypsy90 @imnotdatboii @lalalalemonade11

#fanfic #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #enemies to friends to lovers

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littlequeenies · 11 days ago

Text

Mary Werbelow biography part 1 (part 2)

Early years and relationship with Jim Morrison

Mary Werbelow was born in July 1944 and she came from a very strict Catholic family.

[Mary when she was 12 years old. Ebay]

In Summer 1962 she was just finishing her junior year at Clearwater High, when Mary and best friend Mary Wilkin spread their beach blanket near Pier 60, she was 17, and met Jim Morrison, who had been sent here by his father, then a Navy captain, after he blew off his high school graduation ceremony in Virginia. He had just finished the year at St. Petersburg Junior College and lived with his grandparents.

Mary was on the high school homecoming court. Her friends did cotillion dances at the Jack Tar Harrison Hotel, hit Brown Brothers dairy store for burgers and malts, and shopped Mertz's records for Ben E. King, Del Shannon and Elvis Presley.

Jim read his poetry at the avant-garde Beaux Arts coffeehouse in Pinellas Park and visited St. Pete's only live burlesque show, at the Sun Art Theater on Ninth Street.

Friends who thought they knew Mary couldn't fathom why she would want to hang out with Jim Morrison. What they didn't know was how out of place Mary felt in her social circle. Jim talked like no one she had met. "We connected on a level where speaking was almost unnecessary. We'd look at each other and know what we were thinking." He recited long poems from memory.

[L-R: Andy - Jim's younger brother - Mary and Jim pictured in Summer 1962. The Doors by The Doors & Ben Fong Torres]

She liked her alone time, in her bedroom, dancing and drawing. Jim liked his alone time, in his bedroom, reading. They skipped dances and football games and hung out, at her house or at his grandparents' house.

When Jim drove, Mary kept a notebook at the ready. "Write this!" he'd say, dictating an observation. Or he'd pull over and scribble himself. "He was a genius," Mary says. "He was incredible."

Mary says he rarely drank in her presence. "It was out of respect for me. We were in love, and he didn't want to do things that I didn't like."

At fall, Jim transferred to Florida State. Most weekends, rain or shine, he hitchhiked back to Clearwater, 230 miles down U.S. 19. Most days in between, letters postmarked Tallahassee arrived at the Werbelow mailbox on Nursery Road.

Mary's father intercepted one, read the page about sex and never got to the part that made clear Jim was writing about a class. Furious at her father's snooping, she burned all Jim's letters, a move she came to regret, deeply.

At Jim's direction, she wrote once a week and included the number of a public telephone in Clearwater and a time he should call. On his end, Jim would put in a dime for the first two minutes. They would talk for hours. On her end, Mary would loiter by the phone at the appointed hour.

[Mary early modelling shots, 1963. Ebay, tumblr ank links below]

On March 30, 1963 the Jaycees called to recruit Mary for the Miss Clearwater competition, Mary's mother answered the phone."Oh, yeah," she said, as Mary recalled "she'll be happy to do it." although Mary herself would have declined.

The third and final night of competition, more than 1,000 people packed Clearwater Municipal Auditorium. Five finalists matched "beauty, personality and poise." Mary was looking good, not that Jim was thrilled. If she won, it was on to Miss Florida. Mary performed body twirls. She did the bossa nova. Time for her big question: "If your husband grew a beard, what would you do?" she answered: "I'd let him grow it. Whether he would kiss me or not would be another matter."

She got first runner-up.

As Mary's father banned Jim from the Werbelow house, she followed him to Tallahassee for a semester, although her parents objected. in 1964, When he started film school at UCLA and Mary announced she was following him to Los Angeles, her parents were devastated.

Mary says Jim asked her to wear "something floaty" when she arrived in Los Angeles. "He wanted me to look like an angel coming off the plane." Instead, she drove out a week early and surprised him.

Together again, in an exciting, intimidating city, they kept separate apartments. By November 1964 Mary got her first real job, in the office of a hospital X-ray department. Later, she donned a fringe skirt and boots as a go-go dancer at Gazzari's on the Sunset Strip although Jim didn't like the idea. Later that month, she went to Celebrate Thanksgiving with Jim and his parents.

[Mary as a go-go dancer at Gazzari's on the Sunset Strip, 1964. Ebay]

Jim studied film. At the end of the year, a handful from among hundreds of student films were selected for public showing. Jim's was not among them. Shortly after, Mary says, he told her he was humiliated, considered his formal education over and needed to forget everything. He built a fire in his back yard and incinerated many of his precious Florida notebooks.

Mary says he started doubting her commitment. "You're going to leave me," he would tell her. "No, I'm not. How can you say that? I'm in love with you."

After one fight, Jim went out with another woman. He wasn't home the next morning. Mary went to the woman's house, but she said Jim wasn't there. Mary called: "Come out wherever you are!" Jim slinked forward, a hand towel around him. Mary bolted and, in a blur, hit the woman's fence as she sped off. "That was the beginning of the end."

He was drinking hard and taking psychedelic drugs. The darkness she had always seen seemed to be overtaking him, and she didn't want to watch him explore his self-destructive bent. And she felt he had swallowed her identity. Whatever he liked, she liked. "I had to go out and see what parts of that were me. I just knew I had to be away from him. I needed to be by myself, to find my own identity."

She enrolled in art school. The day Jim helped her move to a new apartment, she told him she needed a break. "He clammed up after that. I really hurt him. It hurts me to say that. I really hurt him."

They split up in the summer of 1965.

A few months later, Jim got together with a film school buddy, Ray Manzarek, who says he wanted to combine his keyboards with Jim's poetry. They started the band that became the Doors. "He didn't sit around and sing," Mary says, laughing. "Jim, no, he was a poet. He wrote poetry."

By phone from his home in Northern California, Manzarek says all the guys in film school were in love with Mary. She was gorgeous, and sweet on top of that. "She was Jim's first love. She held a deep place in his soul."

[Ray, Mary and Jim in a film from 1964/early 1965 when Ray & Jim were students at UCLA, from thedoorsareopened tiktok]

The Doors' 11-minute ballad The End, Manzarek says, originally was "a short goodbye love song to Mary." Doors drummer John Densmore stated: "Jim wrote The Crystal Ship for Mary Werbelow, a girlfriend with whom he was breaking up. . . . The song was a goodbye love song."

Jim Morrison took up with other women, notably with longtime companion Pam, but Mary says she and Jim kept up with each other. She says she was his anchor to the times before things got crazy. "I'd see him when he really needed to talk to someone."

She thought they were too young. She worried they might grow apart. She needed more time to explore her own identity, so by late 1968 to early-mid 1969, Mary moved to India to study meditation, while there, she wrote several letters to her parents. She never saw Jim again.

[several Mary's letters and photos from her early life, notice the rare photo she took of Jim when they were together. Ebay]

Sources:

Mary & Jim to the End

Romantic Relationships, Jim Morrison's girlfriends

Door's Jim Morrison girlfriend Mary Werbelow dead at 79

Ebay, very special thanks to S who shared all the links at Pam Courson facebook page !!

#Mary Werbelow #Jim Morrison #Ray anzarek #model #artist #dancer #drawer #pencil artist #oil paint artist #portraits artist #1962 Mary W #1963 Mary W #1964 Mary W #1965 Mary W #collaboration

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spacetimewithstuartgary · 3 months ago

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ESA-DLR lunar analogue facility inaugurated

LUNA, Europe’s new ‘Moon on Earth’, is set to play a pivotal role in shaping the future of lunar exploration.

The inauguration of LUNA, the lunar analogue facility operated jointly by ESA and the German Aerospace Agency (Deutsche Zentrum für Luft- und Raumfahrt, DLR), took place on 25 September in Cologne, Germany.

The facility, which is designed to recreate the lunar surface, is located next to ESA’s European Astronaut Centre and will be used to prepare astronauts, scientists, engineers and mission experts for living and working on the Moon.

It will facilitate research, development and integrated testing of space technology under realistic conditions, providing valuable insights for upcoming lunar missions, such as NASA's Artemis programme, which will send astronauts to the Moon for the first time in over 50 years.

ESA Director General Josef Aschbacher said, "The opening of LUNA marks a significant milestone in Europe’s space exploration efforts. This unique facility, with its ability to replicate lunar conditions, advances our understanding of the Moon and prepares us for future missions. We are proud to lead this project, which positions Europe at the forefront of lunar exploration and beyond, while also fostering international collaboration in space research.”

Guests from the space sector and governmental officials attended the inauguration of Europe’s cutting-edge space research facility, including ESA Director General Josef Aschbacher, Chair of the DLR Executive Board Anke Kaysser-Pyzalla, the Minister President of North Rhine-Westphalia Hendrik Wüst, alongside Deputy Minister-President of North Rhine-Westphalia Mona Neubaur and the Federal Government Coordinator for German Aerospace Anna Christmann, as well as representatives of NASA.

"LUNA will contribute to optimising our preparations for activities on the lunar surface through research into technologies and innovation for space exploration. This involves robotics as well as artificial intelligence, the utilisation of local resources and resource-conserving cycles all the way through to regenerative energy systems. LUNA provides a unique array of elements for scientific research and technological development under one roof. In its role as the ‘Moon on Earth’, LUNA will sustainably support activities on the Moon from Germany," says Anke Kaysser-Pyzalla, Chair of the DLR Executive Board.

"LUNA represents a major leap forward in our efforts to prepare for human exploration of the Moon and beyond. By replicating the lunar surface and providing vital insights into surface operations, this facility will help us address the challenges of future space missions. Partnering with DLR on this project highlights the power of international collaboration and our shared commitment to advancing space exploration together," commented ESA Director of Human and Robotic Exploration Daniel Neuenschwander.

LUNA features a 700-square-metre area that replicates the Moon’s surface using 900 tonnes of basalt-derived volcanic grains and rocks, processed to create a material known as ‘regolith simulant’, providing a unique testing environment.

A deep floor area will allow for drilling and sampling up to three metres below the surface, enabling research on regolith including frozen lunar soil.

Meanwhile, a Sun simulator mimics the day and night cycles on the Moon, including the challenging lighting conditions found at lunar polar regions.

Advanced control rooms are linked in real-time to mission control centres in Germany and worldwide. In the future, the analogue facility will also be connected to the Lunar Gateway, or even the Moon itself for seamless mission simulations.

Additional features will soon be implemented such as a gravity offloading system to simulate the Moon’s one-sixth of Earth gravity and an adjustable ramp for testing mobility on lunar slopes.

LUNA is designed as an open hub, available to space agencies, academia, researchers, space industry, start-ups and small and medium-sized enterprises from all over the world.

#science #space #astronomy #physics #news #astrophysics #esa

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giggly-squiggily · 1 year ago

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Not sure if there was a list or anything, but can I request ‘are you okay?’ with platonic hau/reader? I’ve been really fixating on the sun and moon games lately and could use some comfort from our silly little sunshine guy! -⚡️

Hey friend! :D It's always great to hear from you! I haven't written for Sun and Moon in so long? This was rather refreshing! Some Hau comfort is coming your way!

A gentle nudge to your shoulder shook you free from your thoughts. “Hey…are you okay?”

Hau was looking at you, cheeks full of Malasada and crumbs along his mouth. It would have been comical had his eyes not looked so concerned. “You haven’t touched your treat.”

“Oh?” You looked back down at your abandoned Malasada, stomach turning at the thought of eating. “I don’t want it. You can have it though.”

Hau’s eyes widened before shaking his head, finishing his mouthful and wiping away the remains. “No, no- that’s not what I meant! Well…if you don’t want it- you seem down!” He snapped himself back on track, turning so he was properly facing you. “Did something happen?”

You paused, debating on whether you wanted to share or not. His face was so open, so kind. The idea of bringing his mood down with yours made your chest hurt.

“No, it’s alright.” You decided, trying to smile. “Here, before it gets too cold.”

Hau stared at you, unblinking. Then he took the offered Malasada, putting it aside. The next thing you knew, you were pulled into his chest, wrapped in his arms. He smelled like cinnamon and the ocean.

“You don’t have to protect me, (Y/N). If you’re feeling upset, you can talk to me. I’m your friend.” He rested his chin against the crown of your head, rubbing soothing circles against your back. “You always listen to me when I’m upset- I’ll always listen to you. And if you don’t want to talk, that’s alright. We can just stay here for a while.”

You could barely respond, lips quivering as tears filled your eyes. Not trusting your voice, you reached out and hugged him back, letting out a shaky sigh as he squeezed you tighter. “Tha-anks Hau.”

“Anytime, (Y/N).”

Send me a pairing a sentence starter and a pairing and I'll write a 300 word dabble for it!

#Puffs #sentence starters #pokemon #sun and moon #hau #reader insert #platonic!reader #comfort #I didn't know if you wanted tickles or not so I just went with straight comfort #Hau is a blessing and deserves the world <3

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teacupofgooglyeyes · 1 year ago

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ok im back for my rant about the fucking BRILLIANCE of Sir Terry Pratchett, specifically surrounding the discworld novels (because im probably a teensy bit insane but oh well who isnt nowadays)

first off, im a huge fan of the way he writes in general- so much so, in fact, that my own writing style is pretty inspired by him. its the perfect combination of sentence structuring and comedic timing and side-notes. not to mention the structuring of the novels themselves which also adds so much to the novel!!!

the comedy is always on-point (at least in my opinion, but that applies to everything i say here tbh) with short references and just ahajerirkrkfk my brain is short-circuiting but i fucking love pratchett humour its something unique and wonderful and oh so incredible. an example to possibly aid my word vomit- the use of footnotes to provide a comedic position on whatever its referencing whilst also providing context and worldbuilding is fucking genius and makes me laugh every single goddamn time.

on that note, the world-building is insane. the discworld novels are a collection of novels concerning a world that is flat and circular atop four giant elephants atop an even bigger space turtle called the great a’tuin. theres vampires, dwarfs, trolls, werewolves, gnomes, witches, wizards, warlocks, gods of almost absolutely everything under the sun, and all of them have bucketloads of history and personal culture. theres huge goddamn cities, rivers, towns- you name it, its probably been covered in the incredible worldbuilding. and yet its built in such a way that you could probably pick up any book in the series and read it with little to no context and still understand and enjoy the novel itself.

heres something i personally have the most admiration for: the casual inclusion of subtle lgbtq+ representation that just lights up my heart to no end. my favourite example is the dwarves. dwarves in discworld had little concept of gender in the traditional sense, all had beards and kind of just existed as a whole. when they started to move out of the mines and caves they lived in and into the big city of ank-morpork they gradually began exploring these concepts of ‘man’ and ��woman’ and some dwarves realised that maybe they themselves wanted to be women too. most kept their beards and some changed how they dressed/presented to be more feminine but not all. of course there were some older dwarves who were dead set against this whole gender thing but overall its pretty accepted in the universe and there’s even a female dwarf as one of the main characters of the discworld subplots

anyways yeah i fucking love terry pratchett and everything hes done for this world thank you and goodnight

#discworld universe #discworld #terry pratchett #sir terry pratchett #im going insane

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aparticularbandit · 2 years ago

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Harmony

Summary: Every time Wanda enters the room, Agatha beams. It’s unsettling, at first, but she gets used to it. She needs a bit of sun to temper her thundercloud, after all. (And always, always, always Agatha beams.)

Follow up to Strumming, Strolling, and Accompaniment.

Wanda Maximoff & Agatha Harkness Rating: G.

previous chapter

They arrive in Westview long after it’s grown dark, long after most of the residents have gone to sleep, as though they’ve flown in on one of those really late flights and then had to drive all the way back—

As though—

They did fly in on one of those really late flights and then they did have to drive all the way back. Agnes found her car parked neatly in one of the parking garages, grumbled a bit about the cost of having kept it there for—

It’s been how long?

—honestly, she should have just asked someone to drive her to the airport. It’d been an emergency, though, and Max had needed her, and she’d gone just as soon as Max called—

This is all empty prattle.

Max listens to her old friend’s words as she buckles into the passenger seat of her red Buick Verano, rests her head in one hand, and then stares out the window, taking in the stars above Newark International studded with the bright lights of landing and ascending planes as they pull out and then the grass-studded darkness on either side of Route 2 as they drive the hour or so to Westview proper.

They barely reach the route before Agnes curses, grumbles about how she should have gotten gas before she left, and then apologizes profusely to Max for needing to make a pit stop. It’s not that Max particularly minds. She uses it as an excuse to buy a bottle of RC to help her fight the near constant desire to yawn, and then they’re back on the road. It might not be smart to drink caffeine this late, but she finds she doesn’t really mind.

With the jet lag, maybe it will help her stay awake until what should be a normal bedtime.

When they make it to Westview, when Agnes unlocks the front door and gestures inside, she suggests, softly, that Max take the full of the upstairs (bedrooms, bathrooms, everything), but Max refuses to relocate her old friend to what she considers the dungeon, even though that means she’s stuck in what she has always considered to be a dark, dank, dirty space. Her breath catches in her throat the first time she starts down the stairs, and Agnes suggests, again, that it might be better for her to stay upstairs. Healthier.

No, Max says, clutching the bannister so tightly that her knuckles turn a bright white. It doesn’t scare me anymore.

It’s a lie. She’s certain Agnes can see that it’s a lie. Agnes knows, after all.

You don’t have to be strong, hon. Agnes places a hand on her shoulder and squeezes gentle. You came here to heal. You don’t have to force yourself—

I know. Max sets her hand over Agnes’s. Thank you, though. You didn’t have to…. She lets her voice trail off, expects Agnes to say something – anything – but she doesn’t. So she just repeats it again. Thank you.

Agnes smiles, and although she doesn’t see it, she can hear it in her voice. Any time, super star.

Max fits into Agnes’s life as if she was always meant to be there, like the shore waves always beat against, the rope tying an anchor to its ship, the ship a lighthouse always seeks out, the fly the spider beckons into her web. She takes over the basement apartment with trepidation at first, but it isn’t nearly as horrid as her mind imagined it would be. Agnes has taken great care to make sure the basement feels less like that and more like an entire second floor; the only reason it sometimes feels less than is that there’s not enough sunlight. There are small slits of windows here and there, but sometimes Max feels like a plant who needs a little more sun.

Like maybe there isn’t enough in the world to make her feel better.

But then Max creeps upstairs, pulling her sweater sleeves down around her hands, and finds Agnes sitting stretched out on her couch, one ankle neatly crossed over the other, a book in one hand – which isn’t so exciting in and of itself, to be honest, but that every time, Agnes notices her, Agnes glances up from her book, Agnes gives her a smile that looks a bit like sunlight. It’s overwhelming, sometimes, having such brightness directed her way, and so she doesn’t always keep her attention. She can’t always say anything back, just shifts her guitar where it rests on her back and nods when Agnes asks if she’s going to be playing outside again.

Playing outside sounds like she’s a child, and Max has to admit, sometimes she still feels like a child, the way she is so dependent on Agnes for food and water and shelter and really anything else she needs because she still hasn’t applied for a real job, hasn’t been able to—

Max takes her guitar and sits on the sidewalks of downtown Westview and seeds her case with a few dollars and plays to see if anyone will leave anything for her. Well. Mostly she plays because downtown Westview seems like the sort of place that could use some soft background guitar music, particularly the old gazebo. It could use a bit of fixing up, if she’s honest, but she’s not the sort to pull out wood and nails and get to it. Callused as her hands might be; that’s not her calling.

Honestly, Max doesn’t know that she has one at all.

She only knows that she likes to play her guitar and that playing her guitar soothes her in a way that even Agnes with all her warmth cannot.

No one really leaves money, but Max leaves the case open anyway.

Just in case.

Max tries to make herself useful about the house. She cleans the dishes when Agnes cooks, and she cooks when Agnes’s back hurts her so bad that she can barely move out of bed. (Agnes’s favorite is a hearty lamb stew that it took Max years in college to learn to make right. But that last year, in the cold and snowy December when their heat got turned off and she’d set a fire going in the fireplace just to keep from freezing – that was the first time she’d made it right. Or maybe Agnes had been a little too groggy and a little too buzzed to be picky, maybe she’d just craved the warmth a stew cooked over the fire could give, maybe she’d been too comforted when they’d curled up together to conserve heat to consider making Max feel less than adequate.)

Always, always, Agnes beams when she approaches.

When they’d been roommates the first time, in college, that first semester when the school had thrown them together, Max thought it was patronizing. She’d been embarrassed and had curled up in her bed, turned her back to the other girl, and just avoided her. Up until the moment she missed her first class – gone to Standard Mathematics that morning, hoped that a bit of breakfast and time would settle her angry stomach, and decided, when it hadn’t, that she’d better go back to her room and try to rest it off – and found Agnes still in bed, eyes red, cheeks tear-stained.

She still lit up when Max entered the room, but there’d been pain to it.

Too many people read Agnes’s energy and enthusiasm for naïveté and foolishness. Max hadn’t done that, but she’d misread it just as much as anyone else had.

They’d been friends after that. Well. Agnes had always been her friend. Max just hadn’t understood.

And, in the end, Max’s cutting cynicism tore into the students who took advantage of Agnes’s kindness, and Agnes’s gentleness soothed over so many of Max’s odd habits.

Even now, even in Westview, that’s the way of it – Max depending on Agnes’s kindness when something in her brain just seems to break, Agnes swooping in without a hint of complaint and drawing her home.

Sometimes, when Max goes into the basement, her heart beats rapidly in her chest again, her throat constricts, and she can’t breathe. It doesn’t matter that nothing bad has ever happened in Agnes’s basement, just like it doesn’t matter that Agnes’s basement looks nothing like that basement. Her breath still catches. She still feels faint.

Most of the time, Max pushes through all of that, forces herself to her bed, and covers herself with her comforter, breathing deep, timed breaths until she relaxes enough to doze off. (Sometimes, when this happens, she has nightmares. Sometimes, those nightmares are memories. Sometimes, she doesn’t know that they are.)

But not all of the time.

You made me a music major.

You want to point that out to her, in the rare moments when you are conscious of yourself again.

You made me a music major, and I have never been good at music.

You made me a theater major, and I have never been good at theater.

You think this must be her sick idea of a joke, that the entirety of the sitcoms you hadn’t even known you’d been running are the basis for her decisions, and you want to snap at her for it.

You only want to snap at her because you still have rare moments of consciousness.

You only want to snap at her because Max is still miserable, and you weren’t supposed to be miserable.

You hadn’t made Agnes miserable.

You don’t—

“Max?”

The first time Max hides in the spare bedroom upstairs, Agnes finds her within a few moments. She lets out a breath as she sees Max sit up in the bed, wide-eyed, and with one hand still on the doorknob (and the other over her heart) says, “I just heard all this noise and someone coming upstairs and I hadn’t heard the front door open and I was sure, hon, that you were some intruder coming to kill me!” She takes a deep breath in – all of that, one breath, in such a rush – and then sighs. “I’m just glad it’s you, dear, and not someone else.” Her eyes take Max in, and her face softens. “Bad dreams, hon?”

Max doesn’t meet her gaze. Her eyes drop to her hands, and her fingers fidget together. “I hate the basement, Nessie. I hate it.”

Within another moment, Agnes curls up in bed next to her. There’s no I told you so, just the softest, “If you would feel better up here, doll, then you just have to say the word, and I’ll—”

“No.” Max rests her head against Agnes’s chest and tries to match her breathing with that of her friend. “It’s not that bad.”

“If you say so.” Agnes takes a long breath in, holds it for a few beats, and then lets it out. This is normal. She’d learned this in an attempt to help. Max doesn’t need the help, but when she’s there, she offers it without a second thought. She brushes fingers through Max’s stringy hair and tucks it back out of her face. “You’re shivering, doll.”

“I—” A shudder harsher than the shivers cuts Max off. She swallows before trying again. “I know. It’ll pass.” She grits her teeth together. Hard. “It always does.”

Agnes stays with her until the panic passes, not doing much more than holding her, and when the shivering quiets down, she runs her fingers gentle through Max’s hair one last time and asks, “Would you like some tea, hon? I’ve kept some chamomile aside for you.”

Max just clings to her. So tired. So tired. “Stay with me,” she whispers instead, not a question because she doesn’t need to ask. “Until I sleep. Please.”

It won’t be long, Max thinks. Now that the panic is nearly gone, exhaustion takes its place, crippling on the depression she already feels. Already, she can barely keep her eyes open, and cradled safe against her longest friend, she relaxes enough to rest.

It doesn’t happen often.

But when it does, Max wakes to Agnes still curled protectively around her, clinging to Max nearly as desperately as Max is to her.

Are you awake?

Can you hear me?

Are you ready to—?

Strange men come to the house exactly once.

They call Max—

They call her something that isn’t her name, but she can’t quite make it out from where she hides in the basement. She knows they’re there, though, can hear them pounding their boots on the floor just above. She scans the ceiling, catches the glow-in-the-dark stars where they twinkle above her, and listens to voices that seem familiar but unwelcome.

Before she even answered the door, Agnes saw them and told Max to hide. Not to just let her have her own conversation with them, not to just stay out of the way, but to hide. (Agnes would never tell her to stay out of the way because Agnes would never consider her in the way. That’s Max’s bag.) She’d seen something flicker in her friend’s eyes – something like anger, something like fear – and despite her own fragile curiosity, she’d gone.

Agnes finds her afterwards, apologizes. Says, uncharacteristically of her, although Max isn’t sure how she knows that because it feels very right for the Agnes she has always known, “They need help, super star, and I’m….” She grits her teeth together. Her hands clench into little fists. “You told me a little about what happened, hon, but I thought….”

It takes a moment before the smile finds its way back on Agnes’s face. “I’ll be taking on a new job.”

“Why don’t you just tell them no?”

Agnes chuckles, and there is such sadness there. “They won’t let me say no anymore, dear.”

Max’s brow furrows, and she glares – not at Agnes, but past her, fierce as anything she has ever felt – such deep hatred bubbling in the center of her chest like an unhinged furnace. “Then I’ll say no for you.”

“No.” Agnes places a hand over Max’s, stilling a different kind of shuddering entirely. “No. That will only make things worse.”

“Nessie, if you will let me—”

Agnes squeezes her hand so tight that Max can convince herself she doesn’t feel her friend shuddering. “No,” she whispers this time. “I will take care of it, hon. I do not want you to get involved.”

There are a lot of things Max wants to do. A lot of things she can do.

But when Agnes tells her no, she listens.

It’s a boundary. One of their unspoken rules.

And she will not cross it.

While Agnes is gone, Max takes her guitar upstairs, sits on the couch, and strums. It fills the empty house enough to echo in the spaces that Agnes leaves behind.

She hates it almost as much as she hates the basement.

Agnes is frequently gone, and she comes back tired. Exhausted. Weary. She still beams when she sees Max, but it’s a softer thing, and her eyes don’t light up early the same way that they once did. It’s like that second year at college, when Agnes realized she wasn’t good enough to do what she’d always wanted to do, when she’d understood that as easy as the science of everything came to her, the higher level mathematics required to go into the career spaces that most called to her were beyond her, no matter how hard she tried.

She’d been so tired then.

As tired as Max often is now.

But they can’t both be bone deep weary. If Agnes is tired, then Max will have to pick up the slack. She can do that, after all, can slot into those spaces that Agnes fills much better than she does, can stand in the kitchen and cook and clean and make sure that there is enough food for both of them, can do their laundry while Agnes is gone, can curl up in bed with her friend and hold her close so that Agnes can take the time to be comforted in the same way that she so often comforts Max.

Once, while Max holds Agnes against her, cradling her head with one hand, chin laying just atop her crown, Agnes murmurs, voice soft, “You’re so good to me, doll. What did I ever do to deserve someone like you, huh?”

Max opens her mouth to answer – You were good to me first – but something else whispers, soft at first, and then harsher, into her mind: Do you think maybe this is what you deserve?

And her own voice, echoing words she has never remembered – What? You’re…you’re not supposed to talk.

Something even sharper pangs through her head, and Max winces, squeezing her eyes shut, and lets out a little exclamation – wordless – of pain.

“Max?” Agnes shifts, pulls away so that she can pull up, so she can run a finger along her jaw, along her cheekbone. “What’s wrong, hon? What did I say?”

“Nothing.” Max shakes her head. “It’s…it’s nothing.” She winces again. “My head just…. Migraine, maybe.” She starts to reach a hand up to massage her temples, but Agnes’s hands are there first, gentle but insistent. Instantly, she relaxes. “This,” she murmurs, hums. “This is what you did to deserve me.”

Agnes chuckles softly. “This is the least of it, doll. You’ve done more than enough for….” Her voice trails off.

“What?” Max cracks an eye open, then both, and glances at a young woman who is averting her gaze, even as Agnes’s fingers still press soothing into her skin. She takes Agnes’s hand in her own and pulls it away from her forehead. Her fingers press gently against Agnes’s fingertips, against her palm, and then she brings her hand up, brings her knuckles to her lips.

“Don’t,” Agnes whispers, still not looking up.

“Don’t what?”

Agnes hesitates before glancing up ever so briefly, meeting Max’s eyes, and whispering with a tone something like terror, “You don’t know what you’re doing, hon.”

I did not ask for this.

For a moment – just a moment – Max imagines she can hear Agnes’s words speaking directly into her mind. Her brow furrows, and she almost – almost – asks, What did you just say? But she was looking at Agnes’s lips, and they hadn’t moved, so she couldn’t have said anything.

It’s still enough to give her pause.

“What am I doing?” Max asks instead, blinking twice. She isn’t sure if she’s asking Agnes or if it’s a question she’s asking herself, and either way, she isn’t sure that she wants an answer. Worse still, she doesn’t know what the answer would even be. So she squeezes Agnes’s hand, lets it fall away, and then draws her against her chest again, in the same position they were in before, pausing just long enough to kiss the crown of her head before resting her chin there.

Wake up, hon.

You’ve been gone long enough.

It’s time to be done with this foolish scheme of—

Agnes never tells Max not to open the door while she’s gone.

Which, you know, of course, it makes sense. It’s not like Max has anyone to fear. She’s just a thirty-something dried up waste of space who’d gone after music and theater and failed abysmally at both of them and then crawled into her best friend’s basement to waste away another few months in mourning while she figured out what to do with the rest of her life. It’s not like anybody really wants Max.

If they had, she wouldn’t have been such a failure.

So when the doorbell rings – an insidious little tune that has always sounded so familiar, even though Max has never been able to place it – Max opens the door without checking to see who’s outside. She knows some of the Westview citizens by name, at this point, but she spends so much of her time not really interacting with them, outside of playing guitar on the sidewalk downtown, that she’s not certain she would recognize anyone if she did look.

The thing is?

Max knows, when she opens the door, that the kid in front of her is definitely not from Westview. No child raised in Westview would wear a denim jacket like that because no parent in Westview would let their kid wear denim jacket like that. Not with all those words written all over it, not with the paint stripes hard on bits and pieces of it, and – well, they’d probably be fine with the rainbow pride flag pinned, but the rest of it—

The kid looks at Max like she knows her, something that is only confirmed when she says, hushed, “I found you.”

“Didn’t know anyone was looking for me.” Max scans the girl’s face, searches it. Nothing. “Who are you?”

“You don’t remember?”

Max’s fingers drum against her pants leg, against the doorframe. There’s certainly something almost familiar about the girl – maybe she’d been in one of her dreams once, a long time ago; it feels almost like that – but she doesn’t know her. She shakes her head once and then swallows, steps back, and holds the door open as her gaze drops and she tucks strands of her mousy brown hair back out of her face. (Once, she might have pulled the strands across instead of back; once, she might have pulled them between her lips and chewed on them. But she isn’t that young anymore.) “You can, um. If you’re looking for Agnes, she isn’t here, but you can come in.”

The girl was looking for her. She found her, after all. Max doesn’t know why she said that. She bites her lower lip.

“Stephen sent me,” the girl says, like that should mean something. “He said it was an emergency.”

Max blinks twice. “I don’t know who that is.”

The girl’s eyes narrow. “Stephen Strange? You don’t know who that is? You literally crossed the multiverse fighting him to—”

Another sharp stab in Max’s head, and she winces, steps back, one hand flying up to her forehead. It hurts more than the last time. She swallows, hard, heart beating rapidly in her chest. “I think,” she says, and her accent comes on strong, “that you should go.”

“You’re the Scarlet Witch. You should—”

Max slams the door in the kid’s face.

You don’t know why America is here.

You don’t know why Stephen wants you.

You don’t know, you don’t know, you don’t know—

Agnes doesn’t come back for a week that time, and when she does finally arrive, it’s so late that Max is half-asleep in her friend’s bed. It’s a bad habit, really. Agnes has been gone so long, and Max has felt so…off that she’s crawled into her bed to sleep instead of dragging herself into the basement. She could, if she wanted, but she doesn’t want that.

She only knows that Agnes is home when the woman curls into bed next to her, wraps her arms around her, and buries her head between Max’s shoulder blades.

Agnes must think she’s asleep because she says in a voice so low that even now, Max isn’t sure that she’s heard her right, “I know what you wanted, hon. I’m protecting it for you. But you’re not any better like this. You’re still you. You’re still you. So come back already. I’m not cut out for this superhero bullshit.”

Something in you says that you aren’t either.

….

Something in MAX says that MAX isn’t either.

Max doesn’t know what it is, and she’s scared to think about it.

“Don’t go.”

“I’m not going anywhere, hon.” Agnes cracks the oddest grin Max has ever seen – it isn’t happy but it isn’t sad – it’s like she’s trying to beam at her, but it’s broken somehow, and Max doesn’t know why. “Time off for good behavior, don’t you know.”

“I mean again,” Max corrects as firmly as she can. “Don’t go again.” She stares at Agnes as sternly as she can. “They’re hurting you. I know they’re hurting you. So don’t go.”

Agnes’s gaze drops to the mug between her dirty hands. Chamomile tea. Max’s favorite because Agnes ran out of lemon-ginger a few days ago and hadn’t wanted to leave the house. Not that Max minds. She’d go herself if she felt safe leaving Agnes alone, but she’s so afraid that the other woman will leave while she’s gone and that she won’t get to say goodbye and that, for some reason, she won’t come back the next time. She doesn’t know why she thinks that.

Something to do with superheroes and how heroes act and how they just keep dying.

Max sees the news. She knows that much, at least.

Agnes taps broken nails against the scarlet mug. “If they need me, I have to go, doll. I’m the expert. They need an expert—”

“Nessie.” Max reaches across and places a hand over Agnes’s, but Agnes flinches away. “I’m not going to—”

“Can you…can you check something for me, hon?” Agnes asks, stepping back, eyes lifting just enough for her gaze to meet Max’s. “I have a suspicious mole on my back that I just can’t see. If you could take a quick look, I’d appreciate it.” She lifts the edge of her pajama shirt. “It’s right here above my—”

Before Agnes can even finish, Max bends down, runs her fingers along the slope of Agnes’s porcelain skin, and bites her lower lip. “I don’t see one, Nessie. I’m sorry—”

Maybe it’s because it’s belated, maybe not, but the sharpest surge of all streaks through Max’s head, and she lets out a yelp of pain, stumbling backward, slipping, and falling to the kitchen floor, banging the back of her head against the lower cabinets. She whimpers in pain, cradling her head. It throbs again, sharp, sharp, sharp, and then the constriction slowly begins to fade.

“Agatha,” you growl out as she kneels down in front of you. “Don’t you dare.”

As Max slowly raises her head, as her dark eyes slowly meet Agnes’s bright ones, she sees how wide her friend’s eyes have gotten, how pale her already pale face is, and she coughs twice before asking in a rasping voice, “What did I just say?”

“Nothing, hon—”

“I…I called you something, didn’t I? Something…something else?”

Agnes reaches out, cups Max’s face, and offers her such an achingly fond expression that it feels like she should be smiling. Only she isn’t. “You’re fine, doll.” She brushes a thumb across her cheekbone soothingly. “You’re just the way you’re supposed to be.”

Max nods and leans into Agnes’s touch and realizes that she’s crying only because she feels the wet on the tips of Agnes’s fingers.

Before Agnes leaves the last time, Max brings her guitar up to the living room, sits on the couch, carefully tunes, and begins to play. It’s a song that’s been stuck in her head for as long as she remembers, one that finds its way under her fingertips near constantly, but she doesn’t know where she’s heard it before. Every now and again, she plunks out a four note little ditty, and that one feels much more painful for some reason, so she doesn’t do it often (it sounds like a doorbell chime, but it isn’t one that she’s ever heard). But the one that she can’t get out of her head—

If she’s honest, it sounds a bit like Agnes’s ringtone, a bit like her doorbell chime. But she can’t place it.

Max sits on the couch and plays the tune and wracks her mind for the words. She knows there are words. Sometimes – sometimes – she can almost pull them out—

Before she realizes what’s happening, Max begins to hum along with it, harmonizing with it, hates the way that sounds, and then cuts herself off only to realize that Agnes has started to hum the tune, too. For a moment, listening to her friend’s voice, Max pauses to listen, and then she finds it, finds her way, catches Agnes harmonizing when she doesn’t – and they switch off, back and forth, that same tune again and again because she feels like she’s close, like the words are on the tip of her tongue, and then—

It’s too late to fix anything Now that everything has gone wrong—

She stops herself.

Blinks twice.

Looks up at Agnes.

Opens her mouth as though to say something, to ask something, but can’t find the words for what she wants to ask because she doesn’t even know what she’s trying to ask. It’s something, just like the tune, just like the song, just like the rest of the lyrics, just there right where she should be able to grasp for them and catch them and say something, ask something, but—

Agnes jumps. Her phone buzzes – completes the tune with her ringtone – and she answers it immediately. Bites her lip. Goes to the other room.

Then she’s gone, nearly clinging to Max with her last embrace, before Max can even reconsider what she’s trying to ask.

This time, when Max answers the door, it isn’t the kid on the other side, and it isn’t anyone she recognizes from Westview, but it’s a man with a scarlet cloak and a fancy blue outfit and a scruffy sort of beard that seems to be normally well kept but isn’t right now. There are grey streaks in his hair, and his eyes remind her of Agnes’s.

Max takes a deep breath in. “If you’re looking for Agnes, she isn’t—”

“Agatha is hurt, Wanda.”

“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Max growls out much fiercer than she understands, she doesn’t know why she’s suddenly so mad, but she is, and she moves to slam the door in the man’s face, “and I think you should go—”

He catches the door with the end of his cloak – Superhero, Max thinks, and she’s sure she’s seen this one on television at one point or another, but she can’t remember his name – and looks down on her with a tired, tired expression. He sighs, pinches his forehead, and then repeats, correcting himself, “Agnes is hurt, Max.”

“No shit, Sherlock.” Max’s brow furrows. “You keep taking her, and you keep hurting her, and you keep sending her back more and more broken, and I told her not to go, and she still—”

“I don’t think you heard me correctly.” The man holds Max’s gaze as well as he can. “Agnes is hurt, Max, and I can’t fix her.”

Max stares up at him. “What are you saying?”

She doesn’t need him to say it, but she wants him to say it anyway.

She needs to hear it.

She—

It’s too late to fix anything Now that everything has gone wrong Thanks to—

There aren’t any tubes.

That’s the thing that strikes Max as wrong.

When someone is in the hospital and they might be dying, there should be a lot of tubes, a lot of stuff hooked up to them to keep them from dying, but the only thing hooked up to Agnes is a singular drip. It’s like…it’s like they aren’t even trying. Like Agnes didn’t want—

Agnes wouldn’t want to die, she would want them to save her, what the—

Max takes Agnes’s hand in her own and squeezes it.

She doesn’t feel a squeeze back.

She wants to say something, but she can’t, she doesn’t know what to say, she—

When everyone else is gone, when it’s dark outside, Max strums her guitar, its soothing tones picked and plunked, chords soft. It’s better than the music they want to use in the background. She keeps trying to sing something, but she can’t get any words out around the thick in her throat, the rasping, the instinct to scream, to cry, to—

The tears come easy, but Max has never needed to see to keep playing.

Her fingers find that tune again: Pity, pity, pity, pity—

They’re new words, and they run over and over and over in her head, just those words and the ones she already remembers, connecting to it. Then nothing. Just a long expanse of nothingness.

Max tries to stay awake.

She doesn’t want to miss a second.

What if Agnes wakes up?

She can’t—

Wake up, hon; I’m dying here.

Funny that you think I care. You could die, and I would be happy.

You’d blame yourself.

I didn’t tell you to get involved with the fucking Avengers, Agatha. That was your choice—

Are you fixed, hon? Is being Max everything you wanted it to—

It’s better than being—

Is it? Is it really, super star? Because – fun fact – if I die, then she—

….

Look, hon. You’ve got a choice here—

Pretty chatty for someone dying, aren’t you?

Better to talk while I still can, don’t you think? Or would you rather—

Wanda opens her eyes.

She grits her teeth, stares at all the golden spiraling bullshit sorcery throbbing through Agatha’s veins and keeping her heart still beating, and waves them all away without a second thought.

Then she gathers the older witch’s broken body in her arms and disappears.

“America came to visit me while you were gone.”

Wanda ladles another cupful of stew into a bowl before carrying it over to Agatha’s bed. She holds a spoon up, blows the steam from the top, and then holds it out to the other witch. Then she hesitates. “You don’t mind taking a bite after I—”

“It’s either that or nothing, love, and if you think I’m going to starve to death over such a small—”

Wanda pops the spoon in Agatha’s mouth midsentence, grinning when Agatha shoots her a glare. “I’m sorry,” she murmurs. “You were saying?”

Agatha chews the potato as Wanda takes the spoon away and sighs. She closes her eyes. “Nothing,” she says, finally. “I didn’t say anything at all.”

Healing is, surprisingly or not, one of Wanda’s strong suits.

But it still takes her a long time before she finishes with Agatha.

It doesn’t need to take a long time. They both know that. But she takes a long time regardless.

When she’s finished, Wanda brushes a hand through Agatha’s hair and sighs. “You won’t let me go back, will you?”

“If that’s what you want, love, then who am I to deny you?” Agatha spreads her hands out. Then she snorts. “We’ll just end up right back here again. Or I’ll die, and then you won’t have anyone skilled enough to give you your fix.”

Wanda stares down at Agatha and then says, finally, “What if I tell them that you are mine? Do you think they’ll leave you alone then?”

Agatha shakes her head. “First off, no. Second, I don’t belong to you, hon; you don’t own me. Third, you would have to mean that, and you certainly don’t.” She glances up and meets Wanda’s eyes. “Don’t lie to me, dear. That won’t do you any favors.”

“I wasn’t lying.”

Every time Wanda enters the room, Agatha beams.

It’s unsettling, at first, but she gets used to it.

She needs a bit of sun to temper her thundercloud, after all.

(And always, always, always Agatha beams.)

#bandit fic #wanda maximoff #scarlet witch #agatha harkness #stephen strange #america chavez #dsmom #wandavision #mcu #queue #lament with wanda and agatha

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