#angsty sperm donor buck fic | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ebdaydreamer · 2 years ago

Text

i hope that you catch me ('cause i'm already falling)

9-1-1 - buddie - rated t - 7k words

TW: references to passive suicial ideation and generally self-destructive behaviour

Buck agrees to be a sperm donor, and he's absolutely perfect on paper. He's feeling good about helping an old friend grow his family. But the first pregnancy test comes back negative. And the next, and the next. Over and over, Buck gets a text from Connor telling him that it's failed - that he's failed them. And Buck? Well, Buck spirals.

[AO3]

Quite frankly, Buck has learnt far too much about his own sperm since agreeing to donate it. As much as he enjoys a good research binge, the amount of information he now has about his own sperm is excessive. Sure, he researched things he could do before donating that would keep his sperm count healthy, but knowing general facts about good reproductive health was different than having exact details on his sperm. For example, he knows how many millions of sperm he had per millilitre of ejaculate, and an estimate of how much sperm there was per ejaculation which… was something he didn’t necessarily want to know about himself. He also knows that about 7% of his sperm was normal, which is higher than average, apparently.

Basically, he’s good. His sperm is good.

Honestly, once he makes his… donation, he expects that to be it. Perhaps he’ll get a couple of update texts, possibly a few more questions about his genetics that they’d forgotten to ask already. And at first, that is true.

Connor: going in for the first treatment today! i’ll never be able to thank you enough man

And… it’s a little weird, knowing that his biological child could technically be conceived that day. But, no, he can't think like that - he needs to detach himself.

Buck: good luck!

He feels good about his decision. Connor and Kameron are good people, and they’ll be amazing parents. They deserve this, and Buck is glad he can help them. Helping people is what he does.

He doesn’t know how to feel when two weeks later he gets another text.

Connor: negative. gonna try again next time. drs said this can take a few goes

A large part of him feels horrible: he feels sorry that they still had to wait for their dreams to come true; he feels a little guilty that it hadn’t worked. But that’s normal. Babies take time. Neither he nor Kameron have any issues. No need for him to feel guilty.

He was ignoring the very small part of him that was relieved.

“You’re quiet this evening,” Eddie notes. “That’s never a good thing.”

Buck squints at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Means that you’re thinking,” Eddie quips, “which is always terrifying.”

Like the mature adult he is, Buck takes one of Eddie’s pillows and hits him with it. It is absolutely worth it, as Eddie's face breaks out into the most beautiful smile, and Buck feels a warm, pounding sensation in his chest. He knows only a few months ago that smile would have been reserved for Christopher, but now Eddie is much more open, allowing himself to feel joy more freely. Which meant Buck got to see more of that illuminating smile.

“C’mon, seriously,” his eyes go serious, but his lips still hold traces of the smile, “what’s up? I know you didn’t come over just to watch crap movies with me.”

“We watch crap movies together all the time,” Buck protests, knowing he was doing nothing but stalling the inevitable.

Eddie cocks his head to the side, letting Buck know he hadn’t bought it for a second. “But that’s not why you’re here tonight. So,” he knocks their legs together, “spill.”

“What if I just came here to distract myself?”

“If you just wanted a distraction you wouldn’t have come to me. You would’ve invited as many people as possible for a night out.”

Buck sighs. Sometimes having someone know you so well can be really annoying. “Connor text me today. They had a negative test.”

“And that makes you feel…” He trails off.

Buck snorts, “Alright, Frank.”

“Well, I can’t talk to you about it if you don’t tell me how you’re feeling,” he says like it’s so damn simple.

As much as Buck loves Eddie-in-therapy, it could be really inconvenient for him at times.

“Well, I feel bad for them, y’know?” Buck shrugs. “Their wait still isn’t over. They have to keep going through it.”

Eddie shuffles closer, and Buck can feel the heat coming off his body, and can hear his breathing. “So that's what brought you to my house on a work night looking like a kicked puppy? You feel bad for them?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, in a pitch that is entirely too high to be believable.

Eddie knocks their legs together again, and Buck is tempted to throw his leg over Eddie’s to keep them pressed together.

“I know you’ve got one of the biggest hearts out there, Buck, but something tells me that’s not all it is.”

Fuck it, time to throw in the towel, therapy-Eddie wins. “Urgh, fine, I guess I feel a little bit guilty,” he groans. “Which, I know is stupid, because medically I’m fine, it’s just one of those things.” He puts his head in his hands. “I just… they’ve been waiting so long, and I was supposed to help, which I still will, I just…”

Eddie shuffles towards him again, and Buck thinks if he gets any closer his brain will shut down and he won’t be able to talk about this.

Actually, that might not be so bad.

“Buck,” Eddie says, so softly that Buck drops his hands from his face, just because he wants to see what facial expression paired with such a gorgeously delicate tone.

Beautiful, just like Buck feared.

“I think…” Buck begins, emboldened by the openness in Eddie's eyes, “I think a part of me just wants it to be over already.”

Then Eddie puts his hand on Buck’s shoulder, and yup- his brain is officially offline.

Just as Buck is beginning to think he’ll melt into a pile of goo on the couch, Eddie whispers, “It’s not too late you know?”

His brain is far too focused on the thumb that’s gently tracing the neckline of his t-shirt to hear Eddie’s words. “Hmm?”

“You can call them, tell them you’ve changed your mind, I’m sure they’ll understand.”

Buck shakes his head, and it pushes Eddie’s hand closer to Buck’s neck, half touching skin, and it feels electric. “No, no, I don’t want that.” He selfishly leans further into Eddie’s steadying touch that makes it feel like he can do anything. “I- I just want this awful… uncertain part to be over. I’m sure it’s worse for them.”

Eddie’s looking at him like he still doesn’t quite believe him.

Honestly, Buck isn't sure if he does either.

He gets the same text the next month. And the month after that. And the month after that.

Every time, it feels like he’s being punched in the gut, and his hands start to shake with the overwhelming but cruelly familiar feeling of not being enough. Hidden beneath his heartbeat is a voice whispering “Failed. Failed. Failed.”

After every text, Buck longs to drive over to Eddie’s, knows he’ll be welcomed without question, into a safe haven that feels too much like home. But he can’t bring himself to go. He knows that if he goes, Eddie’s silent support will come with an openness and vulnerability that will make Buck want to spill his heart out to him. He can’t do that. Not because he doesn’t trust Eddie, but because he’s afraid. Afraid of what he’ll say. Afraid that Eddie will talk him into backing out. Afraid he’ll want to.

Then, a new, even more damning text from Connor: gonna try ivf next, better success rate and all, i’ll keep you posted

And that had him driving to Eddie’s at 7:13 am on a Wednesday.

All he can hear on the drive over is his heartbeat loud in his ears, the little voice now screaming.

Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed.

He unlocks the door with his key and finds Eddie at the kitchen sink. The two men stare at each other a moment until Buck hears one of his favourite sounds in the world clicking down the hall.

“Buck! What’re you doing here?”

Eddie is still looking at him, his eyes asking the same question. Buck plasters on his best smile and turns to Chris to pull him into a hug. If he holds on a little too tight that’s between the two of them.

Eddie answers Chris’ question for him, “Buck’s gonna drop you off with me then we’re gonna hang out before work tonight.”

Buck leaps at the wonderful distraction that is Christopher Diaz. He gets to listen to Chris’ anecdotes as he drives, thoroughly enthralled despite the pre-teen sass that is entering his tone.

But then Chris’ dominating presence is gone, and he and Eddie are back at the Diaz house. Buck hasn’t even had the chance to sit down before Eddie asks, “So, what’s up?”

Buck throws himself down on the couch. He looks up at the ceiling as he says, “Connor texted this morning. Another negative test. They’re gonna try IVF next.”

Eddie hums in acknowledgement and sits next to Buck on the couch. Unlike after the first negative test, he starts close to him, sides pressing against each other.

As his brain works overtime, trying to figure out exactly what he’s feeling, one thought remains constant, sticking out like a shining beacon amongst all the shit: ‘I’m so grateful for him’.

“It… it should be over soon, right? I- I mean, this should work?” He falls forwards until his head is practically in his lap. It doesn’t quite get there, though, because Eddie’s hand is on his back. He’s always got his back. “It has to work.”

“Buck,” Eddie whispers, so quiet that Buck can barely hear it, “you know if it works it won’t be the end, right? There’s the pregnancy and-”

“Walking away, I know,” Buck sighs and decides to lean back into Eddie’s touch, to take the support he’s offering. “I guess… I just…”

Eddie starts drawing small circles on his back and Buck thinks, ‘I could walk away, if I was walking towards you, if we could just do this forever’.

“I know, I know, I shouldn’t, but every time I get that damn text I…” Buck trails off, ready to swallow his words, afraid to admit how he feels even to himself, but then he looks at Eddie.

And Eddie is so beautiful, with his open expression, his fond yet slightly concerned gaze - not in a way that makes him feel small and patronised, but makes him feel safe - and his arms there to catch Buck if he falls. He’s unguarded and vulnerable. It makes Buck feel brave.

“I still feel guilty.”

Buck falls.

“I feel like a failure.”

Eddie catches him.

“Never.”

His face buried into his shoulder. His warm hand on his neck.

“I promise.”

Three embryos.

Three chances.

Connor: If all goes well we can use one of the other two for the next kid

The next kid.

Multiple kids.

This time Buck doesn’t hesitate. He runs to Eddie who’s waiting with cheap beer, Netflix reality TV they’re both secretly addicted to, and an empty spot on the couch.

Buck somehow curls his long limbs up into a ball next to Eddie, head resting on his shoulder. They’re a few episodes into the trivial dating show when Eddie finally speaks for the first time since Buck told him what brought him to his doorstep.

“Buck, I really don’t think this is healthy.”

Buck shakes his head as much as he can without lifting it from Eddie’s shoulder. “I’ll be fine, it’s just… a weird feeling, I guess. I’ll get over it when…”

“When, what, Buck?” Eddie asks. Buck can hear the exasperation in his tone, but there’s an edge of delicacy to it that makes Buck want to cry. “When Kameron gets pregnant? When the baby is born? When they decide to have another?”

“I don’t know, Eddie!”

Eddie sighs, and it ripples through Buck. “It’s still not too late.”

“It is,” says Buck. “They’ve already gone through the IVF prep, they’ve paid the money, the embryos exist. There’s only one step left. I can’t-” Buck chokes back a small whimper, “I can’t back out now, n-not after they’ve gone through all that.”

Eddie’s quiet for a moment, and Buck wonders if he understands now, or maybe he’s just given up arguing with him.

“It hurts, you know?” Eddie finally whispers.

Buck furrows his brow and looks up at Eddie, whose gaze is firmly on his lap. “What does?”

“Seeing you sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of others.”

Buck swallows. The knowledge that he’s been hurting Eddie breaks his heart a little more (not that there’s much left that isn’t broken - just like the rest of him). “I’m sorry.”

Eddie sits up, forcing Buck from his hiding spot. On instinct, he looks at Eddie, even though his brain is screaming at him ‘No! Danger! Vulnerable! Burden!’

“I don’t want you to be sorry, Buck,” Eddie says, wetly. “I want you to see.”

“See what?” Buck asks, not even able to muster enough energy to be confused by the comment.

Eddie’s eyes flash with something Buck can’t name, but he can see his thoughts racing behind his eyes. Perhaps he’s thinking about how to word what he wants to say, sacred that he might set him off.

Buck doesn’t blame him.

Instead, Eddie says something completely unrelated, “Promise me you’ll go back to therapy?”

And Buck, unable to deny Eddie anything, agrees.

The first embryo doesn’t take.

The updates from Connor have been getting shorter and shorter, this one simply reading ‘negative’. Buck sympathises. He can’t imagine how exhausted they must be, especially now they’ve switched to IVF.

He keeps forcing himself to remember that this is not his fault, not anyone’s fault. IVF is still only a 32% chance. All three embryos together give them almost a 100% chance. It’s just one of those things that take time. There is nothing wrong with Kameron. There is nothing wrong with him. He is perfect on paper.

He was perfect on paper for Daniel too.

At that ugly thought, Buck jumps up from the chair and away from his phone like it stung him. Hen and Chim give him an odd look, before shaking their heads and returning to whatever it was they were doing.

Buck forces himself to breathe. The thought terrifies him, because, truthfully, he’s been pushing it away for months. Now he’s acknowledged it, he’s not sure what havoc it’ll wreak on his psyche. He tries to focus on his breathing instead. They’re off shift in less than half an hour, he can’t afford to freak out over this yet.

His grounding techniques don’t go unnoticed. Thankfully, not by Eddie, who’s mercifully off shift today. There was no way he could keep himself together in front of Eddie’s knowing gaze right now.

Instead, it’s Bobby who asks him, “You alright, there, Buck?”

Buck shakes himself and nods. “I’m fine, yeah.” He knows Bobby won’t take that for an answer though, so he adds, “Just got some news. I’m fine.”

Bobby hums disbelievingly but thankfully drops it for now. “Robinson from the B-shift is here, you want to head out?”

Normally, Buck would refuse, and he knows it’s probably a dead giveaway to Bobby that something’s up when he agrees.

Before he knows it, he’s in his jeep, approaching the turn that often plagues him. Left or right? To Eddie’s or to the loft? To the home he’s always longed for or the empty silence he craves right now?

He turns right towards the silence. The voice chanting in his head is accompanied by another, reminding him what he’d promised Eddie the last time he got a text from Connor. The promise he was yet to keep.

He gets another ‘negative’ text a month later.

He doesn’t even contemplate leaving his loft, instead spends the day listening to the voice in his head that reminds him that he’s failing, that he can’t help them.

For the first time since Buck ejaculated into a cup, Connor calls him.

Buck’s heart leaps into his mouth. He hopes that the change in routine means something good.

“Hey, man,” says Connor, voice hoarse. Not a happy call then.

“Hi,” he sighs.

Connor sniffles. “Yeah, more bad news, I’m afraid.” In the background, Buck thinks he hears crying - Kameron.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Look, I-” more sniffling, “I feel like crap for asking, but that was the last sample. Don’t give me an answer now, just thought I’d let you know: if you’re up for it, we’d like for you to donate again.”

Buck’s jaw drops. “What? Really?”

“Yeah, doctors say it’s not your fault, you’re perfect. Just… let us know.” Then he hangs up.

Buck lets the phone clatter to the floor.

Perfect.

They thought he was perfect? Him - Evan Buckley - a man so fundamentally broken to his core. Perfect?

Was that what his parents thought when he was declared a match? Was that what his exes all thought when he was a great fuck, but too messed up to be an actual boyfriend?

No - his parents, his exes, his flings, even Connor and Kameron - they only ever wanted that part of him that was supposedly perfect. All his supposedly perfect parts were just parts of a broken human being.

His defective parts, as it turns out.

Unlike the other times, he doesn’t end up at Eddie’s house. He ends up at Maddie’s.

“Evan?” she asks, her voice breaking when she takes him in. He can only imagine what kind of state he’s in. It’s the warm, motherly concern that - after all these months - finally breaks him.

His shoulders shake violently, and as Maddie pulls him into her arms, he lets out a sound which is half-scream, half-sob. She guides him into her apartment, and Buck briefly marvels at how she’s holding him up because he’s barely supporting himself. She guides him all the way to the sofa, and he finds himself curling up into her arms, just like he did when he was a kid asking why their parents didn’t like him.

Why he wasn’t enough.

Why is he still not enough?

“Oh, Evan,” Maddie cries as she strokes his hair, “you’re enough. I promise you you’re enough.”

He hadn’t meant to say that part out loud, because he knew what her answer would be, and he knew he wouldn’t believe her.

“Why did they have me?” He sobs into her top, “Why did they do that to me? We all just suffered more for it.”

Maddie pulls his face into her hands, cupping his cheeks and shifting him so he’s looking up at her, head still on her lap. He uncurls and lets himself lay down on the sofa (that’s honestly much comfier than Eddie’s - he’d still rather stay at Eddie’s). “Evan, no.”

“Yes,” he whimpers. “I gave you all false hope, then they still kept me around. They never let me forget, even though I never knew why! I knew they thought I was a failure, I just never knew why.” He covers one of Maddie’s hands with his own.

“I needed you,” Maddie says, in a voice so small, Buck wonders if she meant to say it. “I’d lost one little brother, and you were there and you needed me. And I needed you. You loved so freely, so openly. You were amazing, Evan.” Maddie looks up for a moment before continuing. “I think… a small part of the reason I never told you is because I didn’t want to take it away… to drag you into our grief. But Mom and Dad did that anyway didn’t they? They didn’t even need to tell you.” She returns one hand to his hair. “Buck, I’m so sorry, but please don’t say that we suffered more because you were born. You made everything so much better.” She manages a small, secretive smile. “Daniel loved you, you know?”

Buck feels the air leave his lungs. “Really?”

“Oh yeah,” and her smile is a bit bigger now, “he’d ask to hold you all the time. He was obsessed with you.” She gives a small chuckle. “I think he was glad to not be the baby anymore.”

The guilt hit Buck again. “He must’ve thought I’d save him.”

Maddie’s smile grows smaller again. “No, I don’t think he did.” She shakes her head slightly. “Sure, he’d tell me all the things he’d want to do with you: teach you to ride a bike, climb a tree, play football…”

She trails off, and Buck’s heart aches with the family he could have had: parents unmarred by grief, two older siblings, a brother. Maybe he and Daniel would’ve teamed up to get on Maddie’s nerves. Maddie probably would’ve been more annoyed than understanding at his antics. Maybe they would’ve gotten on each other’s nerves, instead.

“But he was lying, I could always tell,” says Maddie. “He wanted it so badly, but I could tell he didn’t believe it.” She shook her head again, tears brewing. “Daniel made peace with the fact he was going to die.”

Now Buck was crying for a different reason because no child should have to make peace with that. “I wish I could’ve saved him.”

“But it’s not your fault that you couldn’t,” Maddie tells him. “You made his last year fun again, Evan. You gave me a reason to not disappear in my grief like Mom and Dad. You have a family now that loves you, that wouldn’t be complete without you.”

As if on cue, a cry comes from the bedroom: “Mama!”

Maddie gently moves him upright, and Buck flops against the couch. “Let me get her.”

“I’ll just-”

“You’ll stay,” Maddie tells him firmly. Buck knows better than to argue with that tone.

Jee’s delighted scream forces a smile on Buck’s face. “Uncle Bu��!”

He holds his hands out to her. “Hi Jee!”

She claps as she toddles over to him. “Uncle Bu’!”

He pulls her into a hug and drops a kiss on her head.

“See what I mean?” Maddie says, in that annoying older sister tone. “And I’m pretty sure there’s another kid that’s obsessed with you.”

Buck smiles as he pulls Jee into his lap. “Actually, we’re calling him a young man now.”

Maddie groans, “I already suffered through your preteen years, I can’t believe I’m going to have to do it again.”

“Hey!” Buck pokes her as she sits down, “I thought I enriched your life?”

“You also took five years off it,” Maddie laughs, “and that’s just your childhood. Watching you at work gave me my first grey hair.”

Buck laughs and gives Jee-Yun a high five.

Two days later, Buck finds himself in Dr Copeland's office for the first time. He’d stopped coming before the move offline, so this was the first time he’d actually gone to her office. Only the second time he’d been in any therapist’s office.

(Working through that particular issue had been a fun session).

He tells her everything: everything since his last session after Eddie was shot. He tells her about his breakup with Taylor; Eddie’s breakdown; Maddie’s breakdown; feeling abandoned; feeling guilty; how after nearly a year he still doesn’t have a couch; being a sperm donor; his breakdown.

“Well,” she says, unfazed by the time he’s finished, “a pretty eventful two years then.” She looks over her notes. “Where would you like to start?”

Despite all the shit, Buck smiles.

Christopher still hugs him hello, which is a relief. It’s been mere hours since his first therapy session in years, and he thinks he’d break without it.

He welcomes the Diaz boys - his Diaz boys - inside. They set up Boggle on the kitchen table whilst Buck finishes dinner.

“It’s good vocab practice,” Eddie once told him.

Buck rolled his eyes, “And it’s not a video game.”

Eddie had smirked back at him. “That too.”

It warms Buck’s heart to see that even as puberty distances Chris from his Dad, he’ll still happily play ‘boring, old-school games’ with him. It warms him even more to know that he’ll get to play one final round with them after dinner.

Afterwards, when the two of them are huddled in the kitchen, Eddie on washing Buck on drying, Buck whispers to Eddie, “Thank you.”

“For what?”

Buck pauses what he’s doing, and Eddie follows suit. Buck’s eyes are drawn to Eddie’s like magnets. “For forcing me to go back to therapy.”

Eddie is clearly trying to tamper down a smile at the news. “I didn’t force you to do anything.”

Buck snorts, “Like I could break a promise to you.”

Eddie allows himself to smile now - a little cockier than usual. They return to their tasks at hand, but Buck can’t resist glancing over at Eddie every few seconds.

But he catches Eddie doing the same.

“Evan,” Dr Copeland says tentatively, and Buck immediately knows he won’t like what she has to say, “what you said to Maddie, about thinking your family would have been better off if you were never born, that sounds a lot like passive suicidal ideation.”

Buck inhales sharply. He’d had this conversation with Dr Copeland before when talking about his self-worth and the situations he puts himself in at work. “Yeah,” he admits, “it kinda does.”

“Do you know when these thoughts started again?”

“Umm…” he fiddles with his hands, “probably since Eddie got shot. H-he kinda told me off for it, actually.”

She nods and makes a note. “How often would you say you feel this way?”

Buck shakes his head, “Not as often as I used to, until…”

She says nothing and merely looks at him with a calming smile.

“Until this whole sperm donor business.”

“I’m glad you’re my sister,” Buck says over a glass of wine.

Maddie grabs his hand. “And I’m really glad you’re my brother.”

The next part was harder. “I-I-I… I don’t wish I wasn’t born… a-a-and not just because you needed me, but for myself.” He looks up, trying to will the tears away. “I like my life.”

She pulls him into a hug and cries on his shoulder a little.

“Maybe going to therapy with Mom and Dad was the wrong idea,” he says into her hair. “It just wasn’t a productive conversation. Maybe we should go. Work through some of our shit together.”

Maddie leans back nodding, before offering him her pinkie. “We always had each other growing up, I think it’d be a good thing to have each other through this too.”

It hurts a little, knowing just how much Maddie needs this, knowing she once reached a far deeper low than he ever had and he didn’t have a clue. He’d assumed she was fine because she’s Maddie - his hero - when she’d been in unimaginable pain. He hates that they can relate to each other in this way.

He wraps his pinkie around hers.

“Do you remember what we discussed about your relationship with sex?"

Buck blinks at Dr Copeland, who has just spent the past minute flicking through her notes. "Um, which part?"

"How you used casual sex as a tool for emotional self-harm."

Well, that certainly feels like a deviation from talking about being a sperm donor. Buck does remember. He had thought that he used sex as a coping mechanism, but after talking with Dr Copeland he realised that he usually felt worse after meaningless sex. He'd craved human connection and attention more than anything, but casual sex was only a hollow form of what he needed. It was him giving himself away, so eager to please, and getting nothing back. And he willingly put himself through that over and over again.

“Ah.” He now sees how this relates to the sperm donation.

"I… I swear I didn't realise what I was doing. I… I thought I'd feel better once Kameron got pregnant, once I knew for sure I'd helped them."

She arches a brow. "So you gave a physical part of yourself, and took on an emotional burden - under the impression that the emotional burden would be temporary?"

"Yeah."

"Was it?"

The last few months play back in Buck’s mind. Every text from Connor, every time he wanted to run and take comfort in Eddie’s arms. The downward spiral he’d been on that led him to breaking down on Maddie’s couch. He’d spent so long pushing down how he feels, refusing to examine his emotions.

Buck admits this to Dr Copeland, “I don’t really know what I’ve been feeling.” He picks at his fingernail. “I’ve kind of been ignoring how I felt about the whole thing.”

“Would you like to try and figure it out?”

Buck nods and tries to remember what he’d repressed.

The guilt. That was the only thing he’d been brave enough to name.

Impatience. That’s what he had told himself he felt.

Self-loathing. His old friend. The voice in his head that calls him a failure.

Then the two emotions that Buck is most scared to admit out loud.

“I… I felt relieved… every time Connor text me. Which only made me feel more guilty,” he whispers.

“What exactly made you feel relieved?”

Buck takes a few shaky breaths, trying to reason with the guilt that threatens to pop up again. He needs to get through this first. “I think… I think I was relieved that it hadn’t worked. But I was so busy feeling guilty that I could ignore it. I mean, what kind of horrible person feels relieved at that? My friend was in pain! And all I can think about is myself?”

“But this does affect you too, Evan,” she says. “Your emotions are important to this situation.”

He looks down. “I told myself I could walk away. I told everyone I could. I thought I could.”

“You no longer think you can?”

It feels like deja vu, with Connor sitting across from him at his kitchen island.

“I’m so sorry.”

Connor nods, looking firmly out the window. “Can I ask what changed?”

“I thought…” Buck begins, following Connor’s gaze, “I thought I could do this and walk away. I thought it wouldn’t affect me…”

Connor sighs. “You think it will?”

“It already has.”

Connor looks at him and Buck meets his gaze.

“I felt so guilty every time it didn’t work-”

“-Buck that’s not-”

“-I know.” Buck gives him a tight smile. He hopes it’s reassuring. “I know. But this brought up a lot of shit for me. I didn’t expect it to, but…” He drops the smile. Honesty - with others and himself. That’s what he told Dr Copeland he’d do. “I was ignoring how I felt because I wanted to help. I really wanted to help. I wish I could, Connor. But it’s not healthy. And if I can’t walk away now, how could I once there’s a baby?”

Connor gives him a watery smile. “It’s ok. Thanks for being honest with me.”

“I’m sorry for wasting your time… and money.”

“Buck, it’s fine,” Connor insists. “Kameron and I were talking about giving it a break for a bit anyway. It’s been… a lot.”

Buck winces, “I can’t even imagine.”

“Good.” Connor stands and pulls him into a hug. “Thanks for trying anyway.”

“Thank you for asking.”

“There’s something else.”

Dr Copeland looks up from her notes.

“When the treatments kept failing… I was- am afraid.”

Dr Copeland hums. “Do you know what you were afraid of?”

Buck gulps. This is it. The one thing he didn’t want to admit above all else. “That I’d never have a family of my own.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I know… I know I have the 118 and Maddie…” He looks at the potted plant in the corner of the room, unable to look at her as he shares his greatest fear. “But Maddie - I know she loves me, but she’s my sister. We’re kinda stuck together. And she has Jee and Chimney. And the 118 are great, and I know they chose me and I chose them…” he lets out a shaky exhale, “but it can’t last forever, right? Bobby will retire, someone will move stations, and they’ll all have their partners and kids, and sure I’ll see them every now and then… but it won’t be the same, and I’ll always be the odd one out. No double dates, no playdates with the kids, no breakfasts after shift or parties at Bobby and Athena’s when we’re all free. We’ll never all be together again.”

Tears roll down his cheeks. He lets out a shaky exhale and looks at Dr Copeland.

“I see,” she says, looking at him, pen and notebook on the table. “That’s a lot to hold onto.”

He wipes his eyes. “Yeah.”

“What makes you so sure that your chosen family won’t keep choosing you?”

“I don’t think they’ll do it consciously,” says Buck. “Life will just… get in the way.”

She hums and picks up her notebook and pen again. “Do you think if you have a partner, kids, or other commitments you wouldn’t keep trying to make time for them?”

Buck thinks of the lone lounge chair occupying the space where a couch should be and scoffs, “Like that’ll happen.”

She narrows her eyes at him. “What makes you think you’ll be without a partner or kids? Is that not something you want?”

“I do,” he says quickly. If there’s one thing he’s learnt from this sperm donor business, is that he wants a family… desperately. “But it keeps not working out…” and there’s one particular family he wants more than anything. “I just don’t think it’ll work out for me.”

“You’re only young, some people don’t find love or have kids until later in life.” She offers him the warmest, most reassuring smile he’s ever seen from her. “Trust me, Evan, it’s not too late.”

He goes back to picking at his fingernails. “B-but… but what if… what if I’ve already found it, but can’t have it?”

Dr Copeland doesn’t look confused or surprised at his admission, merely raises her eyebrows and gestures for him to continue.

“What if… there’s someone I want, but they don’t want me? What if I want… want to build a family with them, spend the rest of my life with them, but I know it won’t happen.” Buck can feel hot tears streaking down his cheeks. “I… I’ve been in love before but this… I don’t see myself ever moving on from this. And I don’t want to break what we already have. I can’t tell him.”

Dr Copeland nods but she’s not looking directly at him, seemingly lost in thought. “‘What we already have’, what is that exactly?”

Buck rolls his eyes but gives up trying to hide it. “It’s Eddie.” He’s never admitted it out loud before, but for some reason, telling Dr Copeland feels easy. He tried talking with Maddie, Hen and Bobby about this before, but could never get the words out.

“I’m in love with Eddie.”

He can tell their session is almost at an end. He always becomes more open when he knows he’s about to leave.

“I see,” she says, and Buck would put money on her figuring that out already. Honestly, he thinks Eddie might be the only person that doesn’t know. “So when you talk about what you already have…”

“My best friend. My partner at work. Dad of the best kid I know. A kid that he trusts me with, for some reason.” Buck thinks of the Diaz house and it feels like home. “He… he gets me, he listens. He makes me feel… valuable. He looks at me like he needs me around.”

She flips through her notebook. “Evan, in your last session before you stopped, you told me that Eddie made you Christopher’s legal guardian in his will. Is that still correct?”

“Umm…” Buck is lost, but he’s learnt that therapy is very much a ‘trust the process’ kind of deal. “Yes?”

She nods her head and flips through her notebook again. “Are you still on Eddie’s emergency contact list?”

“Well, yes-”

“And school pick up for Christopher?”

“...yeah.”

“And outside of work, how much time do you two spend together?”

Buck finds himself pouting, which seems to answer her question.

“Who initiates the time you spend together? Is it only you?”

“I- um, well…” Buck mumbles. “Both of us? I guess? We don’t really talk about it, we just… we just do it. It’s kinda expected.”

She nods, taking more notes. “So what exactly would you change about your relationship if it turned romantic?”

Now, this Buck can answer. It’s all he thinks about. “Dates… holding his hand… kissing him… sleeping in his bed instead of his couch…” He hesitates, before adding the last thing, “Maybe getting to help raise Chris”

He feels his face flush pink.

“So you’re not currently helping raise Chris?” she asks. “You’re their emergency contact, Chris’ legal guardian, the one they both have turned to in times of crisis - or just for emotional support.” She puts her notebook down. “Your current relationship with Eddie and Christopher - how would you describe it? How much does it really differ from that idea of a family you want?”

And isn’t that the million-dollar question? When he and Eddie are sat a little too closely on the couch, when they help each other through the rougher days, when they’re out with Chris - he knows what it must look like.

He can’t come up with an answer, and suddenly they’re out of time. Dr Copeland tells him to think about it, and pencils him in for next week. It has been a longer session - he knew his first one back would be a heavy one. His brain rattles with everything they’d spoken through.

As he drives home, he makes a mental list of things he needs to think about, and what he needs to do. He needs to speak to Maddie again, obviously, let her know how he’s doing. He’ll call her tonight so she knows he’s ok. He’s going to have to talk to Connor eventually, and he should also probably let Bobby know how he’s doing - his Captain had been giving knowing looks recently.

But first, he’s going to cook dinner for his Diaz boys.

Not long after Connor leaves, Buck is washing out the mugs they used, and he thinks back to the question Dr Copeland left him with. It’s been buzzing in his brain, itching under his skin since he left her office. Truth be told, it is something he’d been asking himself for… well, years. Ever since Eddie sat next to him and told him Christopher will be his but only in the worst circumstances.

Because who the hell does that? Make someone your kid’s legal guardian and just… not tell them for a year? Buck isn’t sure Eddie would have ever told him if he didn’t think he needed to hear it. And he did, he really did, but it just made everything more confusing. And they’ve never spoken about it! Eddie just gave him Chris and then never-

Buck almost drops a mug.

Eddie gave him Chris.

Above all his other family, he chose him. Because he’ll respect Eddie’s wishes, yes, but also because he has faith that if it came down to it, Buck would fight harder than any of Eddie’s family for Chris.

That sounds an awful lot like the idea of the family he wants.

Has… has he really had it all along?

Before he’s even finished processing the thought, he’s grabbing his car keys.

He’s been outside the Diaz house for at least ten minutes. Leaning against the jeep, he looks at his home, trying to figure out what the hell he’s going to say, when the door opens.

“You just gonna stare like a creep or you coming in?”

Buck can’t help but smile: Eddie’s leaning against the doorframe, looking so damn fond. It’s not a new look. Buck doesn’t know how he missed it.

He pushes off the jeep and walks towards the house. “I always want to come in.”

“You’re always welcome,” Eddie tells him like he doesn't already know.

He reaches Eddie.

“I was thinking about getting a new couch.”

Eddie raises an eyebrow. “Oh?”

Buck bites his lip to hold his grin back. “I like your couch.”

“I like you on my couch.” Eddie beams.

He can’t hold it back anymore. He cracks a smile that must take up half of his face. “This is real, isn’t it? You and me? What we have? It’s not just in my head?”

Eddie takes his hand and Buck wants to jump for joy.

“Yeah, it’s real. Glad you caught up.”

Buck snorts and lightly smacks Eddie’s arm. “Asshole.”

“You love me,” Eddie teases.

He wraps his free arm around Eddie’s waist. “Yeah, I do. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He’s not sure who leans in first, but he doesn’t care, because his lips are pressed against Eddie’s and he’s home. He’s finally home.

2 years later

“C’mon, Buck. You’re not exactly a stranger to this.”

Buck rolls his eyes at Eddie, who’s quietly laughing to himself. “I hate you.”

“Says the man who’s about to wank thinking about me.”

Buck groans. “Oh my god, Eddie.”

“-is what you’ll be saying in five minutes.”

“I want a divorce.”

“Too bad.” Eddie’s grin is wide and cheeky.

Buck shakes his head and returns to the form on his lap. Ever since they’d decided to start trying for a baby, Eddie had been extra - well, happy would be the polite way of putting it, which was true, but even more notably - horny. Buck almost wants to remind him that they cannot, in fact, make a baby with sex. But who is he to discourage his husband’s urges?

Eddie puts a hand over his bouncing leg. “You’re sure you’re ok?”

“I’m fine, I promise.”

“This not bringing anything up?”

Buck takes his hand and looks at his husband. “Babe, I promise. I talked it through in therapy, with you, with Maddie. This is so completely different. This is about us. I want this for me and our family.”

“Good.” Eddie kisses his cheek, and it makes Buck blush as badly as it did the first time. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

They get four embryos.

Their surrogate sends them a text after the first round of IVF.

Elena: Positive!

Nine months later, the world meets Amelia Isabel Buckley-Diaz.

#buddie #buddie fic #911 #911 fic #911 fox #911 on fox #sperm donor buck #angsty sperm donor buck fic #my writing #ellie talks

32 notes · View notes