#angs

[allophonicmess]

Too Sweet

Logan Howlett x fem!Reader

Act 2

GIF von asgardswinter

Warnings: spoilers for Deadpool & Wolverine, descriptions of a panic attack, angst, implicaded age gap, horror elements, description of blood and violence

wordcount: 3.8k words

I am overwhelmed by all your positve feedback :,)

So I wrote Act 2 over the weekend. Depending on feedback I might expand this story to a full 5 Act piece. Tell me what you think of that :) Enjoy Act 2!

When Logan woke up, he noticed everything was quiet around him, except for that annoying pigeon always perched up next to his window. He remembered how one year it tried to build a nest right next to the window and they had asked Kitty to transport just outside of the wall to get rid of it. She accidentally cracked one of the eggs during that job and cried about it for half a week. Logan huffed in amusement thinking about it.

The next sensation that returned to him was touch. And he suddenly felt too hot. There were one too many pillows around his head and he felt how his body started to heat up again after his night's sleep. The same can be said for the double blanket that weighed him down and the hot breeze that hit his neck in a steady rhythm.

Wait.

He frowned.

A hot breeze?

“I thought we were sleeping in…” A mumble came from right next to him. The voice was still raspy from sleep but it took Logan less than a second to realize what had happened.

Fuck.

He swore to himself that he would keep his hands off her till he figured things out between him and Jean. His body stiffened. How to get out of this mess?

Y/N moved closer to him, her head resting on the pillow then placed onto his chest. She hummed contently at the warmth of his body.

Last night's end-of-semester party had ended on a positive note for her when Logan pulled her away from the drink, snacks and conversations to finally kiss her. She was pinned against the ornate oakwood wall coverings in the hallway and it was more beautiful and sensual than she had imagined.

Then they inevitably ended up in Logan's room where they spent the night having sex till they fell asleep. She had waited for him to finally make the move after a constant back and forth between them.

Logan sighed, moving into a sitting position and moving her with him. “We are sleeping in.”, he responded, smoothing his hand along her exposed shoulder and arm. “ I just need to sit up for a minute, bub. You know how my back is.”

She hummed in response, looking up at him with a content, sleepy smile. Why did she have to make this worse?

“I really like you, Logan. This… us, you know?” She asked, her hand moving to massage his shoulder. Why can’t she stop?

He let his head rest against the wooden bed frame. “ Yeah”, closing his eyes and thinking of a way to set things straight again.

“It's not the right time to talk about this but...I told you about my plan to teach at another school for the next few years. See something new, learn and better my teaching.” She moved closer, from her leaning position into a half-upright one. One leg was thrown over his hips.

Yes, please go.

“Yeah, you told me,” Logan answered, trying to keep his voice neutral. Her departure would give him time to sort himself out and or makeup with Jean. He did feel bad for letting Y/n on but she seemed so happy about it.

“I’m not so sure about it now. With you and me… I wanna give this a try.” She leaned forward to give him a soft kiss. Logan turned his head just in time for her lips to partially miss and land in his scruffy beard. He concealed it by hugging her into his chest.

He paused before answering. Feeling her weight against his chest, the soft skin of her back against his arms.  This was nice, he admitted. But there still resigned a little dark seed in him that pushed him towards Jean. To try again, keep chasing and not give up. Y/n would be there. She always was but Jean was moving fast, unreachable and glowing.

“Go on” He spoke.

“I’m going to ask the other school to push my visit for another year. Spend more time with you ” She gently moved her hands along his back, caressing it. No, leave. You need to leave!

“Sounds like a good idea, bub.” He sighed softly, letting go of her and leaning back against the bed frame. Y/n had moved into his lap, legs resting over his hips and he felt himself stirring again at the close contact.

She grinned happily at him. Chasing him for another kiss. “Great! Another summer together can’t hurt.” She kissed again, “right?”

Logan shook his head slightly as a high-pitched ringing started to sound around him.

Her hands started racking through his hair, pulling him closer.

If only she had known…

“Oh, I do!” She laughed, kissing along his neck, her hands scratching along his back.

Logan tensed “What?”

If she had known that you would leave her alone to die. She wouldn’t have wanted to stay. She would be fine now. One fucking summer with him cost her all.

“It was a good time though.” She sighed against his pulse, nibbling the soft skin there. Her free hand had moved along his body down under the blankets.

30 days she had with you.

Then you killed her.

She would be fine if you had told her and let her go.

“Why wait that long?” She let go of his neck staring right at him. “We can do it now!”

“What is happening?” Logan tried to push her off but to no avail. He was getting hot, skin prickling with sweat that wanted to squeeze through his pores.

“And this time you are right here. Why not do it yourself?” She smiled softly, both hands caressing his cheeks.

The ringing got louder and louder, drowning out all sounds except for her voice which got more distorted. It scratched against his eardrum painfully.

“On the count of three,” She giggled, moving to position herself steady on his hips.

Logan couldn’t move.

“One!”

He felt trapped, watching her take his hands from behind her back.

“Two”

Serves you right asshole!

She placed his knuckles right under her breastbone. He felt the warm skin underneath his shaking hands.

“Aaaand Three!”

Everything went silent.

His claws pierced through her chest with a disgusting wet sound. He could feel the dense material of her skin and flesh against his claws. The warmth of her body shifted into the metal coating. His shaking hands caused the blades to scratch against her bones and it made him shudder.

She gasped, holding herself upright against his shoulders.

“Oh wow…” She laughed, weakly. A trail of blood leaked from her mouth, dripping onto his hands and running down onto the white sheets. Red droplets spread in the cotton, dying it red.

“That actually really hurts!” She looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. Her body was starting to tremble.

“Y/n…” Logan whispered in horror. Looking at the woman impaled.

“See, Logan, that’s what happens-“ she took his hands and rammed them further into her body. ”Fuck! Ha- When you let me get close”

She leaned forward, moving his arms with her. His elbows knocked against the cool wood behind him.

A soft, bloody kiss was placed on his cheek.

Logan only whimpered, trying to close his eyes but he still couldn’t move.

“Now… Do better.” She whispered in his ear. Slowly she got back into her seated position. She smiled at him with a bloodied smile, teeth stained and dripping red. She lifted her arm and smacked him across the cheek with an inhuman force.

Logan scrambled to get up. A crusty carpet under his fingers, the stench of garlic in his nose and the bright sunlight blinding him.

Coffee.

He could smell coffee.

He was sweating, feeling the little crumbs and bits of dust sticking to his exposed skin. They prick him as he shifts into a sitting position. Logan's back was flush against the cool leather of the sofa he must have slept on, falling onto the dirty carpet.

A dream.

A memory.

A nightmare.

“Whoa! Peanut, you up?" Wade called from the kitchen. He strolled into the living room in his red and white morning robe coffee mug in hand. He eyed Logan cautiously. Noticing the older man's heavy breathing and disoriented look. All jokes aside: Wade felt bad for seeing him in pain. They had more in common than either wanted to admit.

“Fell right off the couch huh?” Wade crouched down in front of Logan. He watched silently as the other came back to his senses, brushing off the dirt on his exposed arms. Wade blew away the steam of his hot coffee.

“Must have been a tumble.” Wade suggestively lifted his nonexistent brows. “A sexy tumble?” He slurped his coffee loudly.

“Get the fuck away from me.” Logan brushed a hand over his sweaty brow and into his hair.

“An unpleasant tumble then? Well, don’t feel bad, buddy. Happens to the best of us” Wade patted Logan's head, getting away fast enough to not get sliced again.  He moved back to the counter, pouring Logan a cup in his newly acquired “ hottest DILF in the MCU” cup. And two sugars. Logan would never ask for them out loud but Wade knew that he liked sweet things.

“That’s a bit on the nose, no?” Wade chuckled, bringing the mug over to Logan who had managed to get seated on the couch. The mismatched blanket and pillow pushed off onto the side.

“What?”

“Oh nothing, I didn’t talk to you.”

Logan huffed, taking a sip. “ Fucking maniac” The sweet burning liquid soothed his fried nerves.

Wade grabbed a chair, seating himself at the kitchen counter. Logan needed some space if he was to give some answers.

They sat in silence for the next few minutes, each nursing their drink.

It was Logan that broke the silence: “How did I get back here?” He sighed, staring at Wade.

The other man had been staring out of the window, seemingly lost in thought.

“Oh yeah. Well after you made a run for it, stabbed me on the street, destroyed my brand new light cotton shirt-“

“Get to the point.”

Wade gasped dramatically ” Catty, are we?” He clicked his tongue and continued “After that the party was basically over. And after most of the guests were gone, me and the tag team, went looking for you and picked you up from a piss-drenched alley before you went on to cause more trouble. Please and thank you.”

Logan sighed, upset and embarrassed. He had not only upset Wade and the girl but also wrecked the party for the rest of him. They called him the worst Wolverine for a reason.

Wade turned towards to fridge to scavenge for some breakfast. “Your tab has also been covered.”

Logan almost choked on his drink: “By who?”

“Ohh the X-men… academy? I don’t know.” Wade shrugged, biting into a piece of leftover puff pastry. “Piotr said something about thanking you for stabilizing the timeline. I didn’t really understand and neither did he. But hey! You got your sins paid for with government money. Isn’t that sweet?”

He grabbed a muffin from the fridge and threw it at Logan, who luckily caught it.

“And after all that fucking trouble, you at least owe me an explanation.” Wade's sudden shift from playful to serious sobered Logan.

He stayed silent for a moment, feeling how his jaw tensed. That fucking dream had been like a punch in the gut, his subconscious fucking him up even further.

He sniffed, setting the mug down.

“I knew a Y/n in my timeline.”

“No shit!” Wade exclaimed, his frustration blending into the mocking tone of his voice.

Logan grunted in annoyance. “We were both at the school. Working there. Fighting together. I met her quite early on.” One of his hands rubbed over the rough material of his jeans. “She and I were close; always had my back. And I took that for granted.” He swallowed the lump that formed in his throat. “She died, with the others.”

Silence hung in the room, making the air feel thick.

“And?” Wade, asked.

“And what?” Logan was agitated.

“Well yeah, she died. Like the others. But you had no panic attack when you met Colossus, or Ellie, Yukio-“

“She wanted to leave the school for a year abroad. Teach somewhere else but she stayed because of me." His chest was getting heavy again. “She stayed because I let her on, okay? I kept her close in case things with Jean didn’t work out. I knew she loved me-”

“That’s cookie jarring!” Wade exclaimed, excitedly “My Gen Z’s told me about that!”

“The fuck are you talking about?! I am telling you something important and you-“

“It’s when you keep a second option in case love interest numero uno doesn’t like you back. Keeping a sweet backup treat to not end up without a price.”

“I guess so. But never use that term again. I swear-“ Could you have one serious conversation with this ass clown?

Logan sighed, collecting his thoughts. “She felt more for me than I did for her at the time. I mean I did love her but I was a bastard and couldn’t stop chasing after something that wasn’t mine to begin with.”

The picture of his nightmare came back to him. Y/n, impaled, bleeding out by cause of his hand.

“She wouldn’t have been there if you had told her the truth? When the attack happened?” Wade concluded.

“I reciprocated her feelings. Gave her what she wanted for a night after I got frustrated with Jean. I made Y/n think that I was over her.” He scratched his beard, still feeling her lips linger there “I didn’t have the guts to tell her the truth and I was too much of a bastard to stop; couldn’t see that she was the one... She haunts me the most.”

“Wow.”

“What?”

“you really are an asshole. A surprisingly reflected asshole.” Wade nodded, lifting his mug in a mocking salute.

Logan just scoffed.

“Great, now that’s out of the way. I have a confession to make.” Wade fumbled with his pocket and pulled out a beat-up notebook.

“What did you do?” The older one said wearily.

“I…” Wade flipped through the pages in a dramatic fashion, mumbling while he pulled out several loose sheets. “… went on a little universe hopping trip while you were having your beauty sleep. And met with the other Wolvies that I had met during the search for you, pumpkin.”

He scattered the pages and some pictures on the counter. “At least the ones that didn’t want to kill me right away or the ones that stopped after they got their steam off.”

“Get to the fucking point. This is worse than the babbling on the home shopping-“ Logan had gotten up from the couch to inspect the pages.

“In every timeline that I visited, there was a Y/n. That was connected and or married to you, big boy.” Wade proudly took a sip of his now cold coffee while Logan rummaged through the material present.

“That can’t be. It’s coincident.”

“Na uh! Not if it’s constant in a bunch of universes and we are talking about a bunch, I mean, a BUNCH of universes. Do we want to say it together?”

“What?”

“Okay, 1,2,3-“

“No.”

“SOULMATES!” Wade cheered.

“No. There are no soulmates and even if there were. That-“ He pointed at the scribbled notes. “Is not how it works.”

“Aw c’mon! There are no rules to soulmates. You can do it in all kinds of ways. Matching tattoos, first words spoken to another, only getting colour vision after meeting the one-“ He gasped “You do see in colour, right?” 

“This proved nothing. And you need to stop getting into my fucking business.” Logan crumpled up the note in his hand and dropped it to the ground. “I don’t care what you think. This is bullshit and a waste of time. I-“

He was interrupted by a yelp, coming from the the hallway.

The fucking dog. Logan sighed. It was a mistake to get to this universe.

“Shhh-“ Another voice, hushed the puppy.

Oh no, oh please no.

“She is here?!” Logan spit angrily. He felt betrayed. Why was she here? Why didn’t Wade tell him? And why didn’t he sense it before? She heard everything. The fucking drinking problem and his fucking age were catching up to him.

“What-? She came all the way here. Late and the party ended right after, thanks to someone who can’t keep his shitty trauma at bay!” Wade bickered. “Y/n is my friend too, you know!”

The door to Deadpool’s room opened slowly. There was no reason to keep hiding in there. The pup had blown her cover. “Poppy, no, stay…” She sighed in annoyance as the dog rushed off to her owner. Wade picked her up quickly, kissing her on the tuff of fur on her otherwise naked body.

“She is not my friend-“ Logan pointed at Wade accusingly. His eyes shifted to the hallway where he saw the door open slowly. Wade’s door. He saw red.

“She slept in your room?!” The pointing finger quickly turned into a fistful of adamantium claws, the tips nicking Wade’s chin. “You have a death wish you little fuck?!”

“Whoa, whoa, hey!” Y/n rushed out of the room to de-escalate the unfolding situation. She hoped to make a quiet escape, sneak out through the fire escape, wait it out or call Piotr to stage a plan to get her out of there. But thanks to the puppy and these two hot heads it was going to be the awkward confrontation kind of exit.

She had tried to play it cool last night and not show her disappointment. She had been curious about the new character that Wade brought back from his multidimensional trip. Y/n wanted to find out what he was like, and how this world differed from his. She even asked the older X-team members about their Logan. What he was like, what he liked, and what topics interested him.

And he had made a run for it the second he saw her. Of course, she was hurt. Trying to push the tears down as the others tried to comfort her. She didn’t feel like crying but the sudden attention had made her feel like she should.

“Relax, okay?” She lifted her hands in surrender. “And you, drop the puppy. She isn’t involved in your…” She plucked the puppy from Wade’s arm and set her down. “Whatever this is.”

Logan watched her, looking for little details in her movements, and her behaviour. With regret, he came to the conclusion that she was a carbon copy of the woman he lost. His eyes got glassy as the images of his nightmare played behind his eyes. He shook his head swiftly, eyes set on the wooden counter to calm before he had another outburst.

Y/n watched him and sighed “I slept in his room because the sofa was occupied.” She said calmly, moving past Wade to get to the sink where her carrier sat. It was dirtied with cream and crumbs, a rinse was in order but that had to wait. “And sleeping in your room felt intrusive,  I assumed you would agree.” She clicked the container shut.

Wade watched her carefully, his brain working quickly to think of a joke, or a jest… anything to dissolve the situation. He felt like a child, trapped in their parent's divorce. Humour was his sharpest weapon. So he aimed. “yeah!” He leaned onto the counter, closing in on the spot that Logan seemed to be so focused on. “We switched. Some good old game of Ringelpiez. And I gotta say, your sheets smell sweet like honey, badger.” He winked at Logan, knowing fully well that he might end up with his brain skewered.

But the older one simply groaned, annoyed at his antiques.

Y/n softly touched Wade's shoulder “It’s alright. I’m just going to leave” She carefully turned to Logan. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. Truly.” His eyes shifted to her for a second and it was Y/n that looked away quickly. His gaze was too heavy, holding emotions that she couldn’t decipher or handle.

“What? Pudding, no” Wade whined “What about girlfriend brunch?” He placed his hands on his hips in dramatic fashion. “You promised”

“Wade- don’t.” She warned him. “Next week, okay?” Logan still avoided her. The Wolverine, a feared and powerful mutant, cowering in a corner over unresolved feelings. One might pity him.

Y/n shouldered her bag and said goodbye to the dog that watched the interaction with native happiness.

She opened the door and quickly stepped into the hallway. The muffled sounds of arguing resumed only a second after the lock clicked into place but she continued on. The elevator was only a few steps away, she almost managed to get out when the door opened behind her.

“Wait.”

Y/n stopped, looking over her shoulder cautiously. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw dark hair…

“I’m sorry alright…”He stopped looking for the right words. He didn’t think when he ran to the door, leaving Wade standing there mid-sentence. It was like a pull that called him to follow. “I’m sorry about yesterday.” He sighed, frustrated at his mumbling. He was the Wolverine for god's sake.

“I shouldn’t have…. I-“

“apology accept.” She interrupted him, turning around and facing him.

Logan froze.

“But we have to set one thing straight.” She set her shoulders back, unconsciously making herself look bigger. “ I am sorry for your loss. I truly am. But I am not her.” Y/n shook her head softly. “And you are not my Logan-“ She noticed the odd phrasing when his eyes widened ever so little “Not that he was-you get what I mean.” She huffed embarrassed.

“Yeah.” Logan chuckled softly as the tension ebbed away. Was she also feeling that tingle in her chest?

“Anyway,let's do this properly. It’s nice to meet you, I’m Y/n.” She held out her hand for him to shake.

A simple, friendly and professional handshake. Surely he could manage that, no?

He looked at her hand for a moment, surprised by the gesture. Then his large hand took hers. He was pleasantly surprised at the firmness with which she squeezed his fingers. There was no fear. No uncertainty.

It felt warm and familiar. Like home

“Logan.” He stated.

Taglist: @sarahskywalker-amidala @myu3ki @stinastar @zortlort @zeeader @lolurk @eddiesguitarskills @elianamarie-blog @byhuenii @sunfairyy @weallhaveadestiny @catiwinky

New requets for being added to the list via comments on the Masterlist post, please. That helps me to keep things organized :)

Do comment here for feedback and spreading some love ❤️

[pinchofhoney]

yellow lights

gif is not mine, credit to the owner

ben barnes x fem!reader

word count: 2.9k

warning: language, anger, stupid behaviors, angst with a happy end!

summary: Recently, Ben has been burdened with an excessive workload. Despite appearing tired and agitated, he attempted to conceal his feelings. Due to his busy schedule, he could not even take a day off. What will occur when, after a challenging day at work, he returns home and a trivial question leads to an argument that would not typically happen?

a/n: this little piece of my work was my first request ever, so i’m pretty excited to share this with you!! i hope that the level of drama is high enough, @wolfmoonmusic​ hahah. i’d also like to tell you from this place that my mailbox is open and if you want, write freely with your requests<33 the only thing i do not write is smut! (english is not my first language, i apologize for any mistakes in advance). the longer fragment in italics is a flashback!!

You were sitting in the kitchen, at a small table, holding a mug of steaming hot tea between your hands. The watch on the oven pointed quarter to midnight. You sighed quietly and looked around helplessly at the cozy kitchen shrouded in twilight. The only source of light in the room was a small lamp over the kitchen stove. Before leaving on set this morning, Ben promised you that he would come home earlier this time. Just as he did for the last five days, but not once did he manage to keep his word. The last two months have been tough. You hardly saw Ben at all, you passed each other all the time. Filming schedules, interviews, conventions and other press conferences were constantly getting in your way. Even in his free time, Ben was so overtired by meetings with hundreds of people that he preferred to spend hours alone at the piano writing new songs rather than with you. Your birthday was coming up, and you hoped that at least on that one day you would have Ben all to yourself. You ran your hand over your tired face and then pulled yourself up from the chair. I won't sit here like this, you thought. You weren't even sure if Ben would show up at home yet today. You took your phone out of your bathrobe pocket and looked at the way too bright screen, but saw no notification. You reached for the light switch and then went to the upstairs bedroom, being careful not to spill tea on yourself or the floor.

You have been dating Ben for over a year. Every day at this man's side was wonderful and you were grateful for every moment you could spend with him. You met by accident. Literally, by accident. And the whole situation looked like it was taken straight from some romantic book or movie. You thought that in real life such things are unlikely to happen, but it's safe to say that you had an (un)lucky day.

You met in a moderately crowded cafe on the city's outskirts. Met? A better choice of word would be "crashed". Literally. You bumped into him with all the istrenght you could possibly have, because by the fact that you were craving your morning coffee, you were late for the job interview you so desperately wanted. You wanted that coffee, so you had it. At least at first, because after you bumped into the tall stranger, the coffee was everywhere but your paper cup held in your hand. You stood shocked in the middle of the cafe, looking at the dark drink flowing from the man's bright sweatshirt. You closed your eyes, lowering your head and biting your lower lip, afraid of what view you would find when you looked at your new suit. You heard the stranger say something to you, but you didn't pay the slightest attention to it, because you felt like crying when you saw your stained pants.

“Hey” you finally heard, feeling the man's hand on your wrist. You came to your senses from your inner tragedy with a brief glance at the stranger in front of you, then looked around the cafe. The embarrassment came over you. You felt your cheeks begin to turn red, and just then you lifted your head slightly to get a proper look at the man taller than you.

He was handsome. Very handsome, which made you embarrassed even more. His eyes were so dark you could have sworn they were black, and there was a small mole under one of them, adding to his charm. You thought you had already seen him somewhere, but this wasn't the time for another distraction. There was a bedraggled man standing in front of you, your morning coffee was both on the floor and on your clothes, and besides, you could already say goodbye to your dream job. The dark-eyed man didn't seem to be angry at you, you even had the feeling that, seeing your expression and blushed cheeks, he was amused. You immediately began apologizing, reaching into your canvas cotton bag on your shoulder to find tissues.

“I’m so sorry” you began to repeat over and over again, pulling out tissues with a shaking hand. Again, you knew that the man was saying something to you, but the sound of blood pulsing in your ears and the rush of thoughts kept you from understanding his words.

The moment you reached out your hand with the tissue you were holding toward the stranger's hoodie, he stopped it. “It won't work” he said. “Coffee has already soaked into the fabric” he added, seeing your confused expression.

He excused you for a moment and, being careful not to spread the spilled coffee all over the place, walked over to the front counter and asked for some cloth so that you could clean up the mess. After returning to you, he started wiping the floor, to at which you immediately crouched down next to him, saying that you would take care of it yourself. In response, the man only asked you to move over and dealt with the coffee puddle on his own.

You had a moment to get a better look at the stranger and a wild thought suddenly popped into your head. Wasn't it an actor from Narnia that you loved so much when you were younger? You immediately shook your head, amused by your idea. What was he supposed to be doing here?

After cleaning up the coffee tragedy, the man offered to buy you another drink, buying one for himself as well, after which you left the cafe in awkward silence.

“I’m sorry…” you said again, stopping in front of the building, looking hesitantly at the black-eyed man.

“Where were you in such a hurry that you didn't even notice me?” he asked, stopping a short distance from you. You awkwardly scratched the back of your head.

“For a job interview I can already forget about” you replied, moving your gaze to your stained clothes.

Your conversation wasn't long, but you could have sworn it was the most awkward conversation of your entire life. On top of that, you couldn't get rid of the thought that the stranger standing in front of you was Prince Caspian. This is not how you imagined meeting Prince Charming as a little girl.

The moment you said goodbye, you felt a huge relief. You wanted to go home as quickly as possible and forget the whole unfortunate incident. Before splitting off to go your separate ways, the man asked you for your phone number so that you could repay him for dousing him with still-hot coffee. You didn't question his idea, even though you should be the one asking for the number, not the other way around.

You were already about to walk away when you stopped again and turned toward him. “What’s your name?” you asked.

“I’m Ben, and you?” he replied with a bright smile.

“Y/N” you returned the warm smile, then waved him off and left as fast as you could.

You were halfway up the stairs when you heard the sound of a key turning in the lock, which brought you out of your thoughts. Ben. Part of you wanted to immediately run out to greet him, but to be honest you were already tired of his constant absence. Despite living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed, you missed him. It was ridiculous. You weren't even sure when was the last time you had a quiet moment to yourself.

These last two months, you felt like you were standing at a yellow light warning you of potential harm. Telling you to stop. You felt as if your relationship had stuck and you didn't know if you could make another move.

Hearing that Ben had already entered the house, you headed further into the bedroom. After walking into your room, you placed a mug of tea on the bedside table, climbed under the warm quilt and leaned back against the pillows, reaching for a book you had recently started.

You heard Ben hang around the kitchen. You heard him walk up the stairs and go into the bathroom, where, after a while, he turns on the shower and gets under the stream of warm water. Normally you'd love to join him, but not today. You felt that you had distanced yourself from each other.

After several minutes, right when you were finishing the chapter, Ben slightly opened the door peeking inside.

“Aren't you sleeping yet?” he asked in a softened voice and entered the bedroom. You put the book down on the bedside table. He was wearing the Paddington bear pajamas you bought him for Christmas as a joke, and his wet hair was arranged in a lovely disarray. He didn't look like a forty-year-old. He looked like a boy who needs a hug. At the thought of this, your heart flooded with warmth, and your mood got automatically better.

“No, I was waiting for you” you replied, and when the man took the spot next to you, you snuggled up to him right away. You felt his strong arm wrap around your waist and a gentle kiss on the top of your head.

“You smell like strawberries again” he said, sniffing your hair once more. You laughed and got more comfortable so you could listen to his heartbeat.

“How was it at work?” you asked closing your eyes. In response, you heard Ben sigh.

“Terribly, I can't count how many times we had to repeat scenes because someone got the script wrong” Ben began smoothing your back with his fingertips.

“You all are already exhausted… when will you have some time off?”

“Honestly? Have no idea…” he ran his hand over his tired face, pausing longer on the beard. “On top of that, it turned out that someone misinformed us and the red carpet is earlier than it should be”

“What do you mean by earlier?” you moved away from Ben so you could look at him. You propped yourself up on one elbow.

“The first version was that the premiere is happening next month only, so we still have plenty of time for any preparations. It turned out that the premiere is in two weeks. I don't know what kind of moron at the top got the dates so mixed up” he replied annoyed, sighing loudly.

“Two weeks exactly?” you furrowed your eyebrows. “My birthday is in two weeks… I thought we would spend the day together…” you raised to a sitting position. Ben didn't answer for a long time, wandering his eyes at the ceiling.

“I know, love. I thought so too, but I cannot not show up at the premiere when I play the lead character” he hesitantly shifted his gaze to you.

“Can't you take me with you?” with this one question, you felt how the whole still positive atmosphere between you changed instantly.

“We have discussed this topic many times before, Y/N. I'm going to sleep” he said coldly, turning sideways with his back to you. “Turn off the light, good night”

Yes, you talked about it many times, and you still didn't understand why he didn't want to change his mind. Why he didn't want to show you to the world, why he didn't want to publicly announce that he was dating someone. It has always been the same. Instead of taking part in important moments in Ben's life, you spent your time at home, watching him enjoy himself in pictures with his co-actors. Every time he left, you felt like he was simply ashamed of you. Why? Because you weren't popular?

“Why?” you asked, staring at his back.

“What why?” he asked without flinching to look at you.

“Why don't you want to admit that you are dating someone? That this someone is me?”

“Y/N, I've told you a million times why-”

“And I told you that I don't care about losing my privacy” you interrupted him, raising your voice. “I want to be there with you, Ben. I know how important these premieres are to you, and you don't even give me a chance to enjoy them with you” you watched as your boyfriend sat down and brought his gaze to you filled with both tiredness and irritation.

“Y/N-” he began again, but once again you didn't give him a chance to finish the sentence.

“And bloody hell, it's my birthday. Where were you for Christmas? Where were you on your birthday? You certainly weren't here, with me. Lately you've been celebrating everything with your work friends, and it's perfectly okay if you prefer to spend important dates with them… But I want you to spend my day with me”

“You knew what you were getting into by agreeing to this fucking relationship” he said, getting out of bed. Seeing that you were going to interrupt him again, he pointed a finger at you. “Stop it. Life doesn't look like in the movies, Y/N. Surprise!” he said more loudly with feigned enthusiasm. After a moment, however, he returned to an indifferent expression on his face, driving his dark gaze into you. “You know I just can't suddenly say sorry, I have to go home because my girlfriend would like to spend my birthday with me. We can celebrate them on any other day! It's not that important!”

“Only problem is that lately we don't spend time with each other at all, because once you're home you'd rather sit at the damn piano than with me!”

“That damn piano at least doesn't say bullshit like you” he snarled and immediately left the bedroom.

You heard him coming down the stairs, but after a while nothing came to you anymore. You stared in stupor at the spot where Ben was standing just a moment ago. What did he say? This exchange of words seemed so absurd to you that you didn't even know how to react. You could have navigated the conversation differently. You didn't have to argue. You could have simply nodded at the premiere announcement and kept silent about your disappointment. Did he suggest that you are annoying that's why he prefers to spend his spare time at the piano? You moved your eyes to the bedroom door, frowning your eyebrows at the same time.

It took a few minutes before you decided to get out of bed. With your head full of chaotic thoughts, you left the bedroom and went down the stairs to look for Ben. The entire downstairs was plunged into darkness. You thought he might have left the house, but after all, you didn't hear him do it. Besides, he was wearing teddy bear pajamas, he couldn't have left like that. Finally, you heard a quiet sniff coming from the living room. With furrowed brows, you entered the room, being careful not to bump into any furniture.

“Ben?” you asked in a lowered voice, but received no answer. You reached your hand to the light switch, located on your right on the wall, and turned it on. You noticed Ben sitting by the piano, playing with his hands with his hair falling over his face. He didn't raise his eyes at you. “Ben” you repeated a little louder, approaching him. As soon as you were next to him he raised his head and you noticed his eyes reddened from crying.

“I'm tired” he said in a breaking voice. “Sorry, I didn't mean to say such things… it's totally not true, love” Ben straightened up, looking at you. You took another step, standing between his legs, and took his face in your hands, rubbing the wet mark on his cheek with your thumb.

“I know, it’s okay” you tried to sound warm, but somewhere in the back of your head you still heard the words for which he had just apologized. Ben cuddled up to you, resting his head on your stomach because of the low level he was sitting on. “I shouldn't bring up this topic”

“I'll take you with me to this premiere. I'll introduce you to the whole world and be proud of you. And later we'll go to your birthday party. I'll organize it, take care of everything. Just be there with me” he said when you started petting his hair. “But tell me, are you sure about this? Are you sure you can handle it if people poke their noses into your private life because of me?” he asked, pulling his head up so he could look up to you.

“I am, Ben. One hundred percent sure” you began to smile, unable to believe that you will finally appear at the event you have always silently dreamed of. By the side of your boyfriend. You bent down to kiss him, while he began to stand up to finally change the height difference between you.

“I love you, I'm sorry for the earlier situation…” he assured once again stroking your cheek with his thumb.

[lesvii]

Emotion (Part 1)

Part 2: https://www.tumblr.com/lesvii/723352052120666112/emotion-part-2

Chapter 1: Relationship

Your relationship with El Sin Nombre did escalate pretty quickly. When you first arrived to the cartel quarters or well more like not in your will, at first at least. You've never had a big fight with her, she always treats you very differently, as for her man that work for her, she has no mercy, the way she shouts at them, you're so glad that you're not treated like one of the man that work for her.

``No te quiero volver aquí cabrón, me escuchaste?`` (I don’t wanna see you here, you fucker)

Valeria shouted back in Spanish at the man in front of her desk, he looked like he shitted himself, scared, trembling, probably scared for his life. You were organizing some papers in valeria office on the other side of the room.

The man practically rushed through the door not looking back at Valeria or you.

“Poor guy looked like he was seeing the death itself”Y/N said not looking at Valeria.

and continuing what I was doing.

You felt the light shifting and a body moving closer to you, behind your back a faint hot breath, you felt a chill down your back, everytime you felt that kind of chill It drives you crazy. Y/N stopped for a moment what you were doing, organising some papers, not turning back.

“Did I tell you to stop your work?” Valeria whispered to your ear.

“N-No. Sorry” Y/N said with a faint shiver.

Continuing your work, you felt a heavy hand tracing down your back and grabbing on to your waist. She pulled up Y/N hair to put some faint kisses down the back of your neck. Y/N breathing shifted to a agitated one, Valeria knew what she was doing, she loved teasing. But she was careful when it was at work, you don’t want your enemy’s to find a way to bring you down in a painful way, you didn’t care, in a way. You knew the whole world Valeria was working on, Mafia.

But you’re still here.

With her.

“How about we go out tonight, forget about our worries and then finish in my bed” Valeria said confidently supporting her face in Y/N neck.

“That sounds like a great plan” Y/N chuckled.

“Great then… see you at 8 pm” Valeria stopped the embrace and spanked your ass.

“Hey! I thought the work zone was a “let’s be professional”. Y/N said crossing my arms

“Hmm.. really? Don’t remember. Well I’m still the boss around so that doesn't apply to me then”

Valeria chuckled.

I loved seeing her happy, like if she wasn’t ready to load her gun from her back pocket just 5 minutes ago and shoot that poor guy. Sometimes Valeria… could be explosive with her emotions, I guess this work breaks you a lot mentally and physically. I cannot imagine all the stress she has to bear, she cannot look weak to anyone, since man’s in this business sees woman’s as weak. But they don’t know Valeria, El Sin Nombre, and believe me they don’t want to know her like I do.

Y/N finished working in Valeria’s office.

“Amor, I’m done, I just need to grab a few things from my office and change, see you in a few hours” Y/N said.

Placing a faint kiss on Valeria’s forehead, she didn’t look back at her, her eyes were glued to those papers she had on her hands, reading them, seemed like something really important, but murmured a faint “ok”. Y/N worked for Valeria but Valeria always kept some information to herself, she didn’t want to compromise the life of Y/N no more than already is.

Y/N closed the door from El Sin Nombre office, some tall scary guys standing in front of the door, Valeria always had people protecting her, with all this thing of being a cartel leader, extra protection is always important, it can be your last day and you’ll never know.

The drive to your house wasn’t that far, actually like 15 minutes by car, you where in the back seat lost in the thought that you forgot to hear the driver.

“Miss we're here, do you want me to take you somewhere else’s?” Said the driver.

“No Juan, thanks I’ll be waiting for Valeria” Y/N replied with a warm smile and opened the door from the car.

You took a few steps toward the big entrance to your mansion, you’ll never get enough of it. Y/N knew that Valeria had… well money, but to expect you’ll both be living in a huge mansion, that was amazing but unexpected, sometimes scary it was way too big, easy to be lost, easy for someone to sneak into the hundred rooms in the night and kill your lover. But you knew Valera personal quarters specially this state had the maximum security imposible for enemies to enter and kill her off, at least without them knowing.

By the time you were taking a shower, and dressing on was 7:30 PM, a little late for your liking and Valeria was still not home, though you thought she got busy last minute by something quick, nothing to worry about, after all, it’s been weeks since you two went out, had a normal couple talk, this past few months had been exhausting for both of you, physically and mentally, the cartel has been taking a lot of Valeria time, and you knew what you were signing for the moment you accepted you had feelings for her, it wasn’t going to be an easy road to be fair.

8:00 PM

Still no sign of Valeria.

That was kinda weird since if she couldn’t have come she would have called you back and postponed the dinner, but you still decided to wait, you didn’t want to interrupt her by calling or texting so you decided you were going to wait just a little bit.

8:30 PM

Not trying to be paranoid but you were starting to get anxious, you went downstairs looking for some personal to ask if someone knew where Valeria was or if she had communicated with any, not trying to sound suspicious or anything. Everyone denied having any contact with the boss, so you went back upstairs. Jumped to the big king bed, the sheets still smelled like her, you decided to wait it out just a few more minutes until the tiredness got the best of you and fell asleep.

[madam-mitsume2023]

Love is Supposed to be the best medicine

"I am taking RN to help with me plan with Diavolo" "I'm takin RN to the casino to win sum grim!" "Me and RN are watching Anime all night" "RN and I are going to the library" "RN and moi are going to the Salon!~" "Belphie me and RN are going to Akudonald's" "RN, Beel and me are having a cuddle session together"

They don't have time for you anymore... 1 year ago RN came along and the brothers drifted away from you and towards RN... leaving you all alone and suffering... you were the brothers glue to fix their broken family but now they just hurt you. Make you sleep on the floor. Do all the chores. Get all the scolding and blame.

"RN has better grades and ideas" "RN has more luck!" "RN isn't a normie" "RN has been better company" "RN is more prettier~" "RN cooks better" "RN is more cuddly"

Each insulting comparison caused a shocking, burning and stinging pain in your chest. The boys all went to celebrate the day RN joined RAD which was also coincidentally your birthday. You cried to yourself. No one to hear you anyway. Your sobs became coughs and your coughs released... blood... you weren't even aware that the brothers returned home. You just stared at your hand.

"Hey MC are you going to do the-"

Mammon stopped as he saw your bloody hands along with a bit of bloody drool once you turned around. One second and you puke blood all over yourself and pass out. But before you lost consciousness, you saw a glimpse of white hair, felt strudy arms catch you. And Mammon's voice screaming your name.

"MC! MC! PLEASE WAKE UP!"

Mammon cried. Lucifer immediately heard this. He saw your passed out form and rushed to Diavolo's Palace and you immediately were taken into Barbatos' care. Soon after Mammon and Lucifer arrived home.

"I had no idea MC was sick.." "I didn't know MC was sick at all"

The 2 older brothers came home to the other brothers and RN woken up.

"Why were you guys so loud?..." "yeah and Where is MC... they didn't do any of the chores while we were gone." "They just are irresponsible anymore"

Lucifer sighed and shook his head.

"MC is severely ill. Mammon found them coughing and puking up blood."

The brothers eyes widened and stared at Mammon who nodded.

"I didn't know they were sick..." "Is their illness contagious?"

A week went by and Diavolo summoned the brothers over.

"MC... has Dolorous disease. Also known as Heart sickness.

The brothers eyes opened. Satan and Lucifer knew exactly what this illness is.

"Dolorous disease is when you are heartbroken over and over so your body is surviving on the only love one has for themself."

The brothers went quiet. Until Levi spoke up

"What confirmed the diagnosis?..."

Diavolo showed a spot on your head that even you didn't know about. The brothers are shocked to find a egg sized tumor on your head. Shaped like a heart, veiny with the veins looking like broken hearts and the tumor looking like it is almost split in two. The brothers gasp.

"I invited them over yesterday. Such a shame they just turned 19 not long ago and got sick.."

Lucifer froze.

"What?..."

"A week ago was MC's 19th birthday."

With that comment the brothers all fell to their knees. They forgot your birthday and just piled duties on you non stop. Then it hit them.. they cause you to be sick... if they loved you.. you wouldn't be in a coma.

"High chance when they wake up. Their sight and hearing will be muffled. They woke be able to smell as much as they should or taste. Just when she wakes up... or ever..."

The brothers never knew how much your was suffering because of them. Looking back at their comments. They remember you wincing in pain and clutching your chest. At first they thought you were being more dramatic than Asmo. But looking back... realized they insulted you and that their comments were killing you... literally.

Hi there its me your Author! I don't know if I want to give a chance for the brothers to reconcile with MC, do it in 1 chapter, or if MC ever wakes up. Leave a comment on which I should do next!

[dearest-painter]

ANGSTY TIME!!! >:)

Nezuko!Reader and Spidercat sitting infront of Nezuko!Reader’s Uncle Aaron’s tomb. And let out a loud crying sound and starts getting out of control and starts throwing rocks and growling at people. Terrified, angered and grieving Nezuko!reader :(

Nezuko!Reader only goes at nighttime, once they get to uncle Aaron’s tomb they sob. They sob to the point they start hyperventilating and stop breathing every so often(this has happened to me), they pass out on Uncle Aaron’s tomb with Spider-cat beside them as Spider-cat tries to protect them. The night guard is used to seeing them and places a blanket over them. Even while sleeping Nezuko!Reader is shaking and letting silent sobs escape but their muffled by the muzzle. When they wake up they feel weak, their eyes are red and it’s a bit difficult for them to walk.

Nezuko!Reader does this every Friday, every times it’s Uncle Aaron’s birthday, every time it’s the day Uncle Aaron died. They’ll never stop mourning their uncle, they miss their uncle to the point they somehow bought their uncles apartment…they haven’t change anything and sometimes sleeps there and wears his jacket but end up crying. They want their uncle so bad, they want him to tell them it’s just a cruel prank and they can go to the arcade like he promised them. They want him back so desperately

(I cried while making this, man I’m making sure this is ANGST! I sorta projected some of my feelings onto Nezuko!Reader because it makes ir more angsty)

[justinkirkism]

i need a little bit of time to process this. the way Mencken ignored Roman on his way out physically hurts me. Mencken is so cruel towards Roman because he showed weakness AT HIS FATHER'S FUNERAL and cried during his eulogy !!

[kidddcaptain]

cinders acceptance

D had been buried. six feet down exactly to the inch, Cinder said something sad and warm, nothing he really remembered now. He did not remember much now that the chaotic mass that was his father lay bare writhing and changing, melting into himself then exploding outward in blood and gore.

cinder knew fear was the proper response but all he felt was disgust. This was a god? A creature posturing trying to seem scarier than it was. Truly it was pitiful, not even the freaks in his home village felt the need to do that, how sad. A god less confident than mortals.

"You reject your purpose." Bhaals voice rumbled through Cinder.

" No I reject the purpose you wished for me to have."

"I am a god I need not wish."

"Clearly untrue but sure."

"You are insolent and a failure, I come here not to convince you, as you are so clearly useless at the one thing I created you for" at this rejection Cinders pride crumbled to dust, he wished for his father to beg. For his worth to be confirmed, and for some odd reason being rejected by evil did not bring that satisfaction "You were to kill without apology and yet you let the lesser haunt your dreams? How foolish. How utterly pitiful. I need not a son whose self-worth is shaken by the end of a life as brief as the human."

"Then what are you here for?" Cinder was barely audible

"To deliver punishment. Until your death those you killed in my church will haunt your dreams as a reminder of what happens when a god is disobeyed, in addition to them this blade, the one you stole from me” a large knife like sword came barrelling down from the sky with a blue tint along the metal "will be the only weapon that will stay in your hand, it holds the soul of the very first shark to exist, my pet, Samehada, and she will eat anything touching the weapon. Including your hand. I cannot wait to devour your toils and troubles." The blade rushed forward and cleaved cinder in two.

As he shot up right fear unseating his heart from its cavernous home. He could have sworn an army of scorpion burrowed their way into his skin.

[firesteel-eden]

Am I milking the angst for all that it's worth?, why ma'am and sirs, yes I am

Last chapter has been quite... polarizing, some have sided completely with Aemond and found the entire idea of independence as foolish and useless (might I point out that Cregan is using the fact that they have the undying loyalty of Sansa, the only timetraveller and thus the Greens only chance at surviving and keeping the Iron throne whereas without her they would die and loose the throne?, which is kind of a very big leverage, with or without Aemond's clear feelings for her, which would mean the North could go free and become stronger thanks to the marriages with the Iron throne' dynasty and thus the alliance's points?) and those who have been focusing on Sansa's behavior about Jon and the fact that she had resolved not to change the Stark line to ensure all of her siblings were born, which I think it's very human of her? (she's clever, but even she knows that if she makes too much changes to the Stark line she might completely destroy her family's existence?, also btw, Celia was the original When matriarch as she was a Whent bastard the late lady Whent had discovered and was trying to get under herself as heir as not to marry as she was lesbian, so to Sansa's knowledge if she wasn't to have children the Stark line could continue unbothered to her siblings).

Also some of you get frustrated as Sansa because we know we've seen Sansa and Aemond marrying...but have we seen that?, yes Sara and others have seen Sansa with a Targaryen looking (violet eyes) babe and alternatively with a boy-king...and even if your interpretation of it all was completely, absolutely correct...Sansa is unaware and has just underwent the shock of realizing Jon's parentage AND that she's been working tirelessly to stop the Black line, which she cannot anymore know as she has to at least keep Viserys' line alive. It's bound to be extremely taxing for her. Does it excuse the way she has immediately thought of selling herself to ensure Viserys' line doesn't die out because of her choices until now?, no, but she's said more than enough that she'd do anything for her family. Is Aemond right about being angry with her behavior? hell yes, it's human.

So...peak angst, that's what it is.

Anyway, I love writing angst and, this video is the peak of it, since we have both Aemond's POV (by which they are more like Theon and Sansa — I would die for you, I love you and ask nothing but love in return if you are willing) and Sansa's POV (who sees more of Jonsa as she feels more strongly the strife of being at odds with the only man she actually trusts right now, because their views are completely at odds)

So, if you enjoy the angst, I hope you enjoy this too!

[as always the music, lyrics and such all belongs to their rightful owners, I'm just having fun]

See you next chapter!

[medeuusa]

the angst , this one got 1k likes on insta IT WAS INSANEEEE

[sassykai10]

Just Let Me Breath

Summary: 

"He cupped his hands and filled them, then ran them over his bare face.

He felt the marks of his eternal scars pass under his fingertips.

Hard lines of memories that had branded him, preventing him from forgetting every time he saw his face in the mirror. That was why he never looked at himself.

That was why he did not want anyone to look at him."

-

Ghost has a dissociation moment.

Warnings: Angst, Dissociation, Derealization, Panic Attack, Anxiety

Please, If you don’t feel confident to read it, just don’t! Take care!

------------------------------------------

It was a cold mid-November evening.

The base was completely silent, except for the few soldiers on watch for the evening.

Price had let the guys from Task Force 141 off so they could rest before their new mission somewhere in Europe.

The captain had gone back to his office to sort out some paperwork. Gaz had run back to his room as soon as he had been given the all-clear. Ghost had intended to return to his room to get just enough rest, but Soap would not let him go until the middle of the night.

It was just past midnight.

The sergeant and lieutenant were in a quiet little room on the base. They had decided to pass the time by playing cards, chatting - Soap especially - and drinking something strong to help them fall asleep better later.

"Boom! - the sergeant threw a double pair onto the table - how do ye respond to this excellent play, LT?" he observed him amused with a big grin on his face. Proud of his cards.

Ghost looked at him. He felt the corners of his mouth turn up just enough to give the idea of a small smile under his balaclava.

Ghost slowly lowered the cards in his hand, a scale of alternating black and red cards ascending from number four to eight.

"Shite..." huffed Soap as he rolled his eyes and tapped his thigh with one hand.

He then moved to settle himself better in the chair. His hands slid over his face and lightly tapped his cheeks. He took the shot glass and poured himself some Drambuie, a liquor his parents had left him the last time he had visited them.

He raised his glass slightly and after carefully contemplating his choice, downed the contents in one gulp.

When he had finished he banged the glass so hard on the table that Ghost was already thinking of Price's face when he found out the next day that Soap had broken something because he was half drunk. Fortunately, nothing broke.

"Whoa! - Johnny shook his head left and right as if to clear his hangover, then looked Ghost straight in the eye with new resolve, his Scottish accent growing stronger - A'm waantin' a rematch!"

"Whatever you say, McTavish," replied the superior calmly, amused.

The two spent another half hour playing and when it was time to return to the room, Ghost was forced to help the sergeant.

In no time at all, he had drained about half the liquor he had brought and was now unable to stand.

"LT... - called him back chuckling - how come yer not as drunk as me? Ye've been drinking too..." he hummed drunkenly.

"I can hold my liquor just fine Johnny"

"Tis nae fair though..." he pouted.

"What?"

"I want tae be like ya when I grow up..." he joked chuckling.

Ghost took a few seconds before replying.

"You'll be better than me, Johnny."

"Hmm. Maybe, but I'll never be as cool as ye" and laughed belly-first.

Ghost felt himself smiling slightly.

It had been so long since he had spent the evening pressed in the company of someone who could make him feel good and prevent his mind from returning to all those horrible memories of the past.

When he was with Johnny, he felt like Simon Riley, not Ghost.

But this thought, as nice as it was, made him uncomfortable. A certain sense of anxiety and nausea tightened his chest.

Johnny had been able to bring a part of Ghost out into the open, something he had been hiding for years since it had fallen into Manuel Roba's hands.

Maybe the man wasn't completely dead. Right...?

'Lt! - Soap snapped his fingers in front of his eyes to rouse him from his trance - we're here!" he laughed.

"Hmm," he muttered in agreement.

Johnny took the room keys from the pocket of his military suit trousers and with difficulty managed to slip them into the keyhole. With a turn he opened the door.

"Finally some rest!" he sniggered as he made his way to his perfectly made-up bed according to the strict rules of the barracks.

With a leap, the sergeant threw himself onto the mattress and moved over the sheets to find a good sleeping position, crumpling and unravelling them.

Despite not being a dog person, Ghost had always thought that Johnny actually resembled a Golden Retriever in character, especially when he was drunk.

Seeing him tossing and turning on the sheets, it felt like watching a dog turn in the kennel before going to sleep.

"LT...! - Johnny called him back in a whiny voice - goodnight!" and smiled at him through wide smile before resting his head on the pillow and falling asleep.

Ghost watched him for a few seconds before turning on his heels.

"'Night Johnny" he mumbled, grinning slightly as he closed the door behind him.

The corridor was silent.

Ghost's footsteps could not be heard, that was a characteristic of him. He had been trained to be a weapon, and as such he had to be able to move silently, on the tips of his toes, to sneak up on his enemies and sever their carotid artery with a single blow from behind.

Even if he had wanted to, that part of himself would never have changed and no matter how hard he tried, some of the things Roba and his people had put in his head, he would never be able to forget them, many of the traumas had changed him so much that they left everlasting scars in his mind.

He took a long breath as he began to feel his heart beat faster.

Remembering what he had been through was certainly not helpful, especially if he already had to deal with these traumas at night with nightmares that lasted for hours on end and always woke him up with his throat closed and tears threatening to fall down his cheeks.

With long strides he finished walking down the corridor and after entering his room he slowly closed the door behind him, making sure the key made two turns in the keyhole. Being cautious and anticipating any possible enemy attack, especially in his sleep, was one of the answers to the traumas he had been carrying around since his return to action.

He removed his boots and jacket, carefully placing them in order near the entrance.

He glanced at the clock on the bedside table by the bed. 00:43.

He could feel his heart still in his throat, pounding and pounding in his ears.

Fuck...

Quickly he headed for the bathroom and with a sudden gesture tore the skull balaclava off his head, a reminder of what he had become.

He did not even look at himself in the mirror and turned on the water in the sink. He cupped his hands and filled them, then ran them over his bare face.

He felt the marks of his eternal scars pass under his fingertips.

Hard lines of memories that had branded him, preventing him from forgetting every time he saw his face in the mirror. That was why he never looked at himself. That was why he did not want anyone to look at him.

He wiped water over his face several times, as if unconsciously trying to eliminate all traces of the growing anxiety he felt in his chest.

Anxiety about what then?

He didn't know either, but his mind travelled so fast that it could be anything: the mission, the night, the nightmares, his relationship with Johnny and the other team members, his fear of not being enough...

All kinds of thoughts of this kind ran through his unconscious continuously, without giving him a moment of peace.

He just wanted to be able to breathe.

To forget everything he had suffered for, but he knew that would be impossible.

He looked up and saw himself in the mirror.

He had done it without realising it and now he regretted it.

His face was milky white, decorated with heavy and numerous pink scars cutting across his forehead, neck, jaw and lips, and his nose was slightly crooked from all the blows he had suffered.

He looked into his eyes, so dark brown that he wasn't sure if he was really looking at the colour of the irises or inside his soul.

He felt and saw his eyebrows arch imperceptibly upwards. The corners of his eyes began to itch uncomfortably.

His hands clung tightly to the edge of the sink to seek support with the reality he knew was disappearing.

For a few seconds he still saw himself reflected in the mirror, then he saw nothing more.

His head was whirling dangerously and his mouth was completely dry. He felt his legs and arms begin to stop supporting him. His balance was precarious.

For a tiny fraction of time he remembered standing in the bathroom, facing the mirror.

The more he looked at himself, the more he wondered if that person in front of him was really him, Ghost, not Simon. He tried to convince himself of that somehow.

He was certain that Simon was no longer there.

But then who was that man in front of him?

In a few moments consciousness slipped from his hands, before returning to his mind, all of a few seconds apart.

He had to force himself to remember where he was, who he was.

His mind was distracted and before long he found himself immersed in a strange, but not unusual feeling of disorientation.

Now he was no longer sure where he was.

Blurred images appeared before his eyes and when he tried to close them he could not.

His head spun lighter, increasing the feeling of nausea that knocked at the pit of his stomach.

He suddenly felt his body become weak, as if he were floating.

Then he saw him, or rather, he saw himself.

The man before him was standing somewhere, not sure where he was.

He could see his blond hair, but his face was blurred.

What did he look like?

He knew, of course he knew!

So why couldn't he remember?

When he saw him turn around, he felt the taste of bile rise beyond his stomach, up his esophagus.

The blond-haired man had the face of a skull, no eyes, no mouth, just an aggregation of pieces of bone.

He felt a slight movement and his mind began to whirl again, wiping the man out of sight.

...Simon...

His name reached his ears in a distant, distorted way.

He turned his gaze to see where it came from, but no one came forward.

Around him only darkness.

Darkness, darkness and being alone.

He shifted his eyes left and right, above and below, where he hoped to find a light, something to help him escape the sudden panic he felt in his chest.

He felt his body as if lying down.

And suddenly the blurred but familiar image of the coffin's interior took him by surprise.

The air began to run out quickly.

He tried to move within that cramped space to find something useful to get out, again.

The jaw... he thought as he felt around, only to realise he couldn't move.

He was going to die there.

He had managed to escape the first time, but he had been pardoned and now, by some strange twist of fate, he would have to relive those interminable minutes again without being able to move or breathe.

His life would end there.

Simon...!

The same voice reached him a second time, more clearly.

He closed his eyes tightly.

He tried to struggle as much as he could, to no avail.

He had to escape at any cost!

When he opened them wide, he was no longer in the coffin.

He felt he could breathe better, however with difficulty.

He looked around again and saw for the second time the so familiar body of a man with ash-blond hair.

He was standing, his shoulders arched slightly forward.

He approached.

He saw him trembling.

He looked closely at his face: his eyes were fixed in front of him, lost in something that even he did not know what it was. He could see that he was biting down hard on his upper lip, just enough to be bleeding. His cheeks were streaked with tears.

It pained him to see that man suffer like that.

Him?

Who was he pitying?

That man?

Who was he?

Who was that man?

Where was he?

Shit...! Shit!

Simon!

It's all right...!

... Johnny?

He opened his eyes wide.

His head was spinning as if in a spiral, his vision was still blurry.

He felt his quick breath go in and out of his mouth.

He had to stop. He had to catch his breath.

His heart was pounding loudly in his ears.

He had to regain his self-awareness somehow.

Three things he could smell.

The faint smell of the shampoo he had used the day before. The aftershave. The faint smell of cigarettes.

Three things he could touch.

His sweatpants. His arm. The cold edge of the sink.

Three things he could see.

His hands clinging desperately to the sanitary. His toothbrush in a glass on the small cupboard nearby. Himself in the reflection.

Inhale. Exhale.

Repeat.

Ghost closed his eyes and forcefully ran his hands over his face.

He needed to detach himself from that mirror. He needed to get out of there.

Fuck...

He ran a hand through his hair as he shakily made his way to the bedroom.

The anxiety was still there, but he felt decidedly more self-conscious.

He saw the balaclava on the floor and bent to pick it up.

Putting it on meant going back to being Ghost, the man he was meant to be. A confidence to gain full control of his body.

He passed the mask around his head and took a deep breath.

A - wrong - feeling of peace embraced him, making him feel safer.

He sat on the edge of the bed taking his face, now masked, in his hands.

He took more long breaths trying to calm himself in the last moment of the panic attack.

He looked up and glanced at the clock. 1:03.

Only a quarter of an hour had passed since he had entered his bedroom after leaving Johnny drunk in his room.

The feeling of helplessness seized him, making him break into a cold sweat.

So little had passed and he had experienced the moment as if it had been hours.

He could not remember what had happened, but he must have had a moment of derealisation and dissociation, something he had been experiencing for years, but was not used to.

How had he managed to come to his senses this time?

His mind strained to remember.

The memory of a male voice, heard many times before, made its way from his unconscious.

"Johnny...- he sighed quietly, his eyes open in amazement- fuck..."

He didn't know if that was good or bad.

He knew that the sergeant could be trusted enough by now.

He didn't want him to get too close to Ghost. He didn't want him to run away once he got to know him better and especially didn't want to risk putting him in danger.

On the other hand, however, a deep desire in his heart wanted someone to at least try to help him, to save him from the idea of a life lived only as Ghost and not also as Simon, who in one way or another still existed in his mind.

He was afraid that a good soul like Johnny might change him, not knowing what awaited him once he got so close to someone.

Ghost shifted on the bed to stand with his back against the wall, the pillow behind his back.

He curled in on himself, closing his legs and tucking them against his chest.

He hid his head between his knees and his hands gripped his feet tightly.

He would wait until he fell asleep, then the day would begin with a wake-up call and preparations for the mission ahead.

Everything would be exactly as it always was.

[astridscale]

Hi everyone, I write Trigun fanfics on AO3 if anyone is interested in reading them!

[pinchofhoney]

the sun is up, but you’re not shining

« read part one here

gif is not mine, credit to the owner

ben barnes x fem!reader

word count: 3.2k

warning: stupid behaviors, jealousy, i think this part is even more heartbreaking for our lovely reader than the previous one, but there’s a happy ending

summary: Although taking a break from a relationship is generally not recommended, what if you suggested it as a way to cope with your own intrusive thoughts? Unfortunately, this approach ended up having the opposite effect.

a/n: off my mind was supposed to be a one-shot story with a cliffhanger, but there were voices for a second part, so i'm happy to bring it to you!!<3 i hope you will not be disappointed!

Days were passing, and you were trying to enjoy the presence of your boyfriend, all the time perfectly aware that in a while he would have to fly to Canada again for work on the new season of Shadow and Bone.

The road back from the small country cottage passed you in silence. All you could hear was the sound of the running engine and the hum coming from outside the window of the car. You didn't talk or exchange small comments as you were used to doing all the time, during car rides. The radio also remained off. You felt awful, and the thoughts swirling in your head didn't improve the situation at all. You couldn't guess what was in Ben's head, who was gazing at the road stretching out in front of you with a neutral expression on his face. Usually while driving, Ben would keep his hand on your thigh, gently stroking it with his thumb, but not this time. This time you got the impression that he didn't even peek at you, which made you feel even worse.

After returning to the city, you did in fact spend most of the time in your apartment, just as Ben asked before leaving the place you thought would be your comfort place. You didn't talk about what happened in the countryside. You didn't talk about Julie, and even less did you talk about your concerns about Ben flying out to work again.

Ben has been giving you non-verbal signals all this time that you are the most important thing to him and he doesn't want to be anywhere else but with you. He told you every day that he loves you and gave you a million kisses. He was taking you on long walks, to the art exhibitions you loved so much and he was the best boyfriend you could ever dream of, but all the time you felt something was off.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・ 

Ben's flight was only three days away. For the past week, he has been making some sort of phone call every now and then, putting the finishing touches on all the most important details. You didn't mind, because going into a relationship with an actor you were aware of what you were getting into. You were walking in one of the nearby parks, watching the dogs joyfully running between the trees and playing among themselves, when Ben's phone rang again. You didn't listen to his conversation, watching blindly as one of the owners called his pet to his heel. However, there was one thing that didn't give you peace of mind, and it has already grown on you after the first few phone calls to Ben, a few days ago.

“The sun is up, but you’re not shining. Why is that, darling?” he asked after his conversation ended, noticing your sudden mood drop.

“Maybe we should take a break” you said without looking at him. You were too scared to see his reaction.

“A break?” he repeated confused, looking at you with furrowed brows. Seeing that you were not going to raise your eyes to him, he continued, still not knowing what you were talking about. “Sure, we can sit down” he shrugged his shoulders, looking around for a free bench. “We're not in a hurry to go anywhere”

“N-no… i mean…” you began rather quietly, stopping. You didn't believe that you were about to say the words that were pushing strongly on your tongue. You looked at Ben, who also stopped a few steps in front of you and at the moment was giving you a worried look. You took a step forward, not wanting to speak out loud. “I meant between us. Maybe we should take a break in our relationship…” you lowered your gaze to your feet, not wanting Ben to see the tears gathering in your eyes.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, almost wispering. He grabbed your forearm, wanting to get your attention. “Hey, look at me. Why would we take a break?” he said slightly louder this time, but you continued to remain quiet, all the time stubbornly sticking your gaze into the sidewalk, fighting back tears. “Y/N…”

You didn't know yourself why you proposed such a solution. You knew it was stupid. You knew that breaks in relationships had no right to exist. What were relationship breaks in the first place? But it was probably the only thing that would allow you to survive another, no one knows how long separation from Ben, which he will spend with his former lover. The thought that you are no longer together.

You finally had the courage to look into the eyes of your beloved, who had been waiting all this time for you to say something. You noticed that tears also began to gather in his pitch-dark eyes. “I’m sorry, Ben… it will be better this way” you began, taking your hand from his grasp. “I could already see from the moment you came back that your thoughts were in some unknown place to me. But… but after what you told me about Julie, maybe she was- is that place”

“What?” he furrowed his brows, starting to shake his head after a second. “No. No, no, no, no no. You’re the one that I want, Y/N” he took a step toward you.

“Don't make it any harder than it already is…” now you were the one, who was almost whispering. Despite being in a crowded park, you completely forgot about the people around you. “We'll talk about it again when you get back, okay?”

“No” he said immediately. “I don't agree to any break, Y/N” he wanted to touch you. To take your face in his hand, but you brushed his hand away. Although the tears had already disappeared from his eyes, you saw pain and confusion in them.

“Safe flight. I know you'll do great on the set. I love you” you said as quickly as you could, then turned around and with a heavy heart, began to take your steps in the opposite direction, leaving Ben alone in the middle of the alley. You didn't turn once, knowing that it would be the last nail in your coffin. You were already in floods of tears, wanting to be in your apartment as soon as possible.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

It was already the second week after making the dumbest decision of your entire life, and you didn't feel the slightest bit better about the words you said at that time. You didn't contact Ben, although you wanted to do so more than once. You wanted to call him, to apologize, to admit to him and yourself that you were the stupidest, but you blocked his phone number as soon as you entered the apartment on that unfortunate day. You wanted to buy the first available plane tickets to Canada, arrive on the set in the middle of nowhere, throw yourself into his arms and say the words sorry a million times. But you couldn't. You made stupid things so now you have to deal with them yourself.

You didn't tell anyone about the situation between you and Ben. Not even your best friend, to whom you always trusted with everything. You couldn't, you didn't want to. You were embarrassed.

You were sitting in your small studio that you and Ben had created in your apartment back at the beginning of your relationship. He has always known about your grand plans for the exhibition and has always kept his fingers firmly crossed for you, so he was the first one willing to transform an unused room into a space where you could grow. Your little sanctum filled with paints, canvases and everything you needed.

After managing a break in your relationship, everything in your life was going wrong. You couldn't sleep. You couldn't eat. You looked like a pile of misery. You didn't feel like leaving the house at all, but even at home you felt bad because you were recalled all the moments you spent there with Ben.

And yet it wasn't even a breakup, was it? It was not, but yet, after all, you knew how all these breaks end.

At your worst moments, you would go to the studio to focus on something other than your painful thoughts, but even painting did not give you joy anymore. This was also the case this time. You were sitting on a small stool in front of a blank canvas, waiting for a great inspiration. The minutes passed, and nothing but emptiness appeared in your mind. Annoyed, you finally pulled yourself up from the wooden stool with the desire to leave the room immediately, when the sound of an incoming message reached your ears. Right after that message came another one. And another. And another. Your phone has gone crazy, you thought. With furrowed brows, you reached for the device lying on one of the shelves, and more and more messages appeared on the screen.

“Did someone die?” you asked yourself, however, hoping that it was not the truth. But what you saw was probably even worse.

Your closest friends, as well as many other people knowing about your relationship with Ben, bombarded you with screenshots from some online article. At first you weren't sure what it was all about, but finally you got to see pictures of your boyfriend with his ex-girlfriend. The photos were taken at one of the Canadian restaurants in the late evening. In one of the photos, you saw them both laughing about something, looking like a couple of close friends. In another, you noticed the way the blonde was looking at Ben. On another, the mentioned woman held her hand on his palm, and Ben didn't seem to mind. On the opposite, he was smiling at her. With a trembling hand, you locked the phone screen. You didn't want to see the pictures any longer, you didn't want to see the woman you were insecure about having her hands on your man.

Probably there was some rational explanation behind it, but at the moment it was the last thing on your mind. You thought it was over. You thought the darkest of your scenarios had become true.

With tears gathering in your eyes, you left your painting studio and on trembling legs walked to the nearby kitchen, where you leaned against the countertop. You didn't know what to do with yourself, and a million thoughts began to gather in your head at once.

You’re the one that I want, you heard Ben's voice, recalling the words spoken in the park.

You started crying heavily, slowly sliding to the floor. You felt helpless and hurt. You couldn't understand what had happened. Was it your fault? If you hadn't come up with that stupid break now would things be different? But by definition, a break is a break, not permission to date someone else.

The moment both your throat and lungs began to ache from the constant crying, you began to calm down, not having the strength to do anything else. You pulled yourself up from the cold floor panels and searched for your phone. You ignored all the notifications visible on the screen and dialed the number to your best friend. You told her everything, starting with your date at the restaurant after Ben returned to the city, you told her about the trip to the cottage he was working on with his former partner, and finally you told her about your break.

“You sould talk with Ben” she finally said, after long minutes of listening to your sob-interrupted monologue and calming you down.

“But I don’t want to talk with him. I don't want to hear that I am really done for him”

“Y/N” she said firmly. “If it's really over, you'll have to hear it eventually. You can't live in your bubble forever, stop acting like a child. Unblock his number and call him, because if you don't, I will”

You snorted in annoyance at her tone of voice “Yeah? And what do you tell him?” you asked frowning your eyebrows, even though the girl couldn't see your expression.

“That if he fucks her again then he may not come back from Canada, because I will rip the legs out of his ass” your friend's words made you laugh.

A silence fell between you, during which you tried to sort everything out in your head. “Alright…” you said finally. “I will call him”

You talked for a while more, and the girl tried to lift your mood. When the conversation ended, you took a deep breath, staring at your photo with Ben, appearing on the wallpaper of your screen. You went into your contacts and unlocked your boyfriend's number. Awaiting for Ben to answer his phone was incredibly difficult for you. You were stressed to the point that you started circling around the kitchen and picking at your nail cuticles at the same time.

“Y/N?” you finally heard a familiar voice on the other side of the phone. The voice you loved to hear so much, especially when it spoke your name.

“Ben? I…” you began, but quickly stopped in the middle of the kitchen, not knowing what to really say.

“Y/N?” he repeated again thinking that something had interrupted the connection. “Are you there?”

“I saw the photos…” you just said quietly, feeling a big gulp gather in your throat again.

“What photos?” Ben asked confused, to which you furrowed your eyebrows.

“Of you and Julie. She was looking at you with those goo-goo eyes as you both laughed. Is this what it looks like?”

“What?” he repeated himself again, this time even more confused.

“Don't play dumb Ben, please”

“But I really have no idea what you're tal-” he paused suddenly realizing something. “Oh Lord, no. Y/N, it's not what you think”

“Then what is it?”

“Last night with the whole cast we went to dinner after the shooting was over. We had a much calmer day and decided to take it to the fullest. I suppose the photos you saw were taken at the end of the meeting, when we were left with just the three of us with Freddy. He went to the restroom, someone took pictures and-”

Now you were the one interrupting. “What?”

“I swear, you can even check Jessie's or Amita's Instagram, because I'm sure they've posted some updates”

You didn't answer anything, having mess in your head again.

“Y/N” you heard Ben again. “Every day I waited for you to get back to me. I tried to call you a thousand times, but you blocked my number. You blocked me everywhere you could, so there was nothing left for me to do but wait. Wait until I come back and the first thing I do is stand in front of your door and don't move from there until you listen to me”

In response, he heard only your sniff, so he continued.

“I'll be back in a week and a half, Y/N. Several plans have changed, we will change locations, but they have to prepare them first”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

You've been walking around nervous since early in the morning. You felt like a teenager who was about to go on a date for the first time with a boy from school who she had a crush on for a year already. Today Ben was coming back from Canada. Since the unpleasant situation with the article a week ago, you have been talking every day again. You have already apologized to him a million times both for that scene in the park and later for your unfounded suspicions, which would not have happened at all if you had only read the whole article. You wanted to apologize to him once again, in person. Looking him in the eye and being one hundred percent honest with him. You missed him, missed him unbelievably, but at the same time the impending confrontation made your heart start pounding faster. You were hungry. You could even say terribly hungry, since you hadn't had breakfast that morning. Just the thought of meeting Ben tightened your stomach into a lump.

Around 5:00 PM you heard the doorbell ring. You just happened to be working in your dedicated area, as painting that day was the only thing that could distract you from the upcoming meeting. Being honest with yourself, you didn't expect this moment to come so soon. You looked over your shoulder, then quickly pushed yourself up from the stool. You put the brush you were holding into a glass of paint-dirty water and wiped your hands in your old jeans, which you always wore when you went to work.

“I’m coming!” you call out, hearing the bell ring again.

Passing through the hallway, you glanced in the mirror, checking your appearance. You didn't look the prettiest in paint-stained, old and several sizes too big clothes, but Ben had already seen you in every version, so you didn't mind. You stopped in front of the door and reached out a shaking hand to turn the key in the lock. You also felt your heart speed up and your palms began to sweat a little. You took a deep breath, then hesitantly opened the door, biting your lower lip gently at the same time. This was a common habit of yours in stressful situations.

After just a moment, a tall man with pitch-dark eyes and hair arranged in a messy way appeared before your eyes. A man who is the only man you would want to spend the rest of your life with. Immediately when you saw his wide smile, you breathed out the air unconsciously held in your lungs and returned the smile, taking a few steps back so that he could enter the room.

“You look beautiful as always” he said immediately taking you in his arms and hugging you tightly.

“I’m sorry, Ben. I’m sorry for everything” you began, when he moved away from you a few centimeters so that he could look into your eyes. “I messed up, I really messed up. It won't happen aga-” you were not allowed to finish, because Ben interrupted you by placing a gentle kiss on your lips, as if he wasn't sure if you agreed to it. When he noticed you giving in to his touch, placing his hand on his beard-covered face, he kissed you more confidently, letting you know how much he missed you.

After a while, you pulled away from each other, breathing heavily. He rested his forehead on yours, not opening his eyes. “I should be the one who apologizes, Y/N. I'm sorry I made you feel the way you felt. Sorry for ruining our weekend trip, I should have been honest with you from the beginning”

“Let's promise to talk to each other about everything. About every concern, about every problem, just about everything…” you said quietly.

“Let's promise” Ben agreed and kissed you once again.

[liapursues]

Dillemas on Birthdays

[jerzwriter]

I miss angst.

I have a few things I want to wrap up. Then… ANGST.

[angeldelillith]

Day 7: You Still don't get it

Fandom: Gravity Falls/ Pinecest

A thousand years could pass, we could have a very different story and a life we ​​never imagined.

We could have left all those promises and dreams of a future behind.

We could be totally different than we perhaps think.

The things of destiny and those study fantasies, those friends that we once thought were inseparable. Everything went like sand in our hands.

Soon everything began to be a path of broken dreams and despair. The problems of not knowing who we were led us to ask for time that perhaps we never wanted.

And a silence that we would never have expected.

I missed you so much, from the first to the last day.

As I wish once upon a time I could write to you in my most fragile moments, as I wish I could call you just to hear your voice and for you to be my only company, but it was a decision that could not be broken. And those fears of losing you once and for all covered me in the darkness of loneliness and feeling like I was a disaster in life.

And the sun came out, and I was forced to stand up and continue in a life I had never prepared for myself with dreams I had never imagined.

And I think that maybe this wasn't what I wanted so much, but it was what I had in my hands, and I would work for it. Maybe, maybe it would come to something more.

That freedom, that outside that I hoped for so much when I was younger, the ideals and what was expected of me, left me with a bitter taste, with a broken heart and all my thoughts returned to you.

I wrote to you, I decided to write you more than twenty letters, recounting all my worst days, recounting my insomnia and every tear for everything I missed you. 

We had made a bad decision at a bad time in our lives.

Where we were young and scared. Where at times all the hatred we had for life we ​​threw at each other. 

I have missed you so much, and one life has not been enough for me to forget you.

And I wonder if you've ever read those messages. I would like to know how ridiculous they seemed to you, pathetic or whether you simply chose to delete them. Because it would break my soul to know that you have read such a fragile part of me and simply passed it by.

How have you managed to forget me?

I miss you so much…

I sigh and I cannot understand how life has given us so many opportunities, how I have spent more years away from you than with you and you are still in my thoughts like the first day. Like the first time. 

And even if you try to deceive me, lie to me, turn the page, you always come back or rather you have never left my head.

I miss you so much.

Simple short, automatic messages that announced a reunion, which at the same time show me that we will never be able to return to what we once were.

Life has hit us so hard, no matter how much we want to deceive ourselves, and tell ourselves that we are fine. That we become what we all wanted, we are those “adults” who face a life alone, who go through couples until they settle down. Who will soon give the long-awaited grandchildren. That soon they will have a life of generations and prolong a family like the rest of the damned lineage that I never wanted to belong to.

and I miss you

I have sent you more than twenty letters in one of the hardest times of my life, but I never counted the ones I wrote to you in all these years, I never counted the napkins in restaurants alone, on the sheets I filled out after a bad date that It will remind me that it would never be you, in the messages passed from draft to trash on a phone that accompanied me in the early morning, in all the words I think when I'm driving to work wondering if one day collapse and I will go in search of you.

But if you have never answered me more than routine answers, and you have never wanted to touch on topics from the past. I would like you to answer just one question, and you would make me the happiest or unhappiest person in this world, but at the same time everything is would end, that war in my head might have an end.

Why?

The last time I saw you, so angry at having to let you go, I promised you love for life, I promised you that I would accept everything she would throw at us and I would be very happy to see you happy. That you would fulfill your dreams by getting married, having your children and a life more worthy than I could ever give you. Why have I never seen that?

Sometimes I feel like you are just as suspended as me, stuck in an indecision that we can never talk about, we can never break. If I go to search for you you would escape with me? 

Tell me no, let me go.

Break that bond, which more than that have become chains, which for the moment cut off my breath. And I return to you, my thoughts return to you.

And I miss you...  

And I would give my whole life, all the good things I have achieved, all the work that has cost me what I have today and all the learning that it has given me for just one day of that past.

To feel like I did years ago alone with your company. Far from all the worries that at times don't let me sleep, things that occupy my head and problems that I no longer want to think about.

I miss you but please let me go. Let yourself go.

I don't want to feel anymore, I can't feel anymore. I pray one day to forget you, I pray that you are part of a past, of a memory without memory, of a healed pain and of something that has finally closed.

Until then I miss you...

[ronanxing]

harana