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marvelyhp · 3 years

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Still you | chapter II

Chapter II: The comeback

Synopsis: Y/n decides to help the Avengers despite their betrayal two years prior and her life makes a big shift once again.

Pairing: Y/n x Bucky Barnes and some Y/n x Sam Wilson

Word count: 5,997

warnings: cussing, some fluff

note: I know I took so long but I had writer's block. then, I got covid and I felt too awful to write. But I'm okay now so this is what I could come up with. Not my greatest stuff. the tag list is open :)

Side note: I would really appreciate hearing from you and your thoughts!

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We managed to lower two floors without raising suspicion or making too much noise. At least, James and I were pretty silent, whispering if needed. But of course, Stark always had to open his damn mouth. He had been talking all the way —pretty loudly too— and he just did it again.

“Where’s the grandpa with the bad luck of having you as a tenant?” The man didn’t know the meaning of whispering. Or maybe he did. He just wanted to make my life more complex than it was. I looked frantically behind me, praying he had not seen me sneaking out. At the sight of no one, a breath of relief exploded out of me. But it didn’t last long, irritation quickly dampening my already poor mood.

“Shut the hell up!” I hissed. My patience with the insufferable man wearing thin.

“Oh, relax. If he sees us, we’ll knock him out and blame you.” He mocked, a chuckle erupting throughout the hall and following the stairlike a draft of wind. My blood started to boil inside my veins and I felt the heat spread from head to toes. I was afraid to be reaching my tipping point already because this was nothing. Two years out of practice left me hypersensitive to his shit. I wondered how long I would be able to stand the insufferable mortal and regret hit me like a ton of bricks.

“He is a good man, Stark. We will not knock him out.” I whispered as I pressed myself against the wall. Twisting my head around the corner at the end of the hall, I sneaked a glance at the stairs and the visible space from the top. “Watch your step here. His room is right underneath the stairs. We don’t want to wake him up.

I walked forward, pressing my foot in the first step, praying the creak of the old wood would keep quiet today as it did some nights. At least that’s what I hoped but it wasn’t what happened. A groan broke the silence in the room and I knew that if he was awake, he definitely heard it. I waited a couple of seconds, alert to any noise. When nothing came, I advanced four more steps. I focused on the one shadow dancing in the wall and relief swept through me. He wasn’t awake.

I turned, thinking the guys were still up. However, I let out a gasp when Bucky’s face came into view, mere inches away from mine. Thanks to the startle, the foot I had dangerously close to the edge slipped.

My heart stopped as I thought about the fall and the inevitable bone-crushing pain that would come after it. The stairs were pretty high and even though they were wood, it was quite sharp. Splinters roamed everywhere. I waited for the pain and the strenuous sound. It was phenomenal, the first time I saw the team in two years and I would meet them in a body bag with a broken neck.

However, it never came.

When I opened my eyes, blue electric eyes stared back at me. Our faces were inches away from each other. A hand wrapped around my waist, pulling me flush against him to hold me from falling. I was hyper-aware of our breaths clashing against each other, making the most sinful of sounds. Our lips were separated by a small space, too close for my brain to catch up quickly. I noticed how his lips roamed my face, stopping at my lips slightly parted by the surprise. His eyes held a fervent fire and my breath quickened once I felt the inevitable rush of warmth roaring my body.

Coughing slightly, I took a step backward, stepping out of his grasp. I forgot all about the landlord as I scolded myself. The man looked at me and there I was getting flushed like a raging hormonal teenager. I looked at everything but Bucky’s face, why I knew still had his eyes on me except now his jaw was firmly set. I wanted to ask him what was going on inside his head but a hovering shadow at the top of the stairs captured my attention.

“What are you still doing up there?'' The man looked utterly confused standing at the top of the stairs surrounded by darkness. I wondered if it had to do with what he just witnessed.

“You care about that grandpa, don’t you?” His expression was one of disbelief. His body wasn’t moving as if in shock or trying to process the information he thought was correct. And it was, but he didn’t have to know.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, unaffected.

“Of course you do. You care about the landlord.”

I whirled around as fast as I could with the incident earlier present in my head as a gruff voice filled the room. A short, stubby old man stood at the foot of the stair dressed in a white t-shirt and some basketball shorts. The ends of his hair stood up as if held by a string and maneuvered by a child. His narrowed black eyes stared back at us. His lips pressed in a thin line.

“Of course, she does, kid. Why shouldn't she?” He crossed his arms in front of his chest. I followed the movement of the milk dancing in the glass on his right hand. I felt proud of the English I had taught him and how-- as much as I didn't want this to happen-- useful it would be. I looked back at Stark to find him gaping like a fish. Little croaks came from his throat but no coherent words came from him. It was the first time I had seen Stark speechless. “I’m an incredible landlord if I say so myself.”

He was.

I cursed inwardly. There were things I didn't want everyone to know. To a certain extent, I wasn’t ready for the team, for Stark, to find out that I wasn’t the monster he expected me to be. I wasn’t ready for him to look at me differently. Andrei had the power to change our whole dynamic.

It wasn’t that Andrei and I shared anything about life. Or at least I didn’t. Andrei liked to talk, to share his life with me, and try to make me talk. He said I was too reserved. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

It had been a warm evening. I could see the sun filtering through the windows. Shining onto the top of the show top and illuminating the cottage-like bakery. The dough in my hands stuck to my skin, lumps of a uniformed cream mass suffocating the fingers. The powdered white dust sat beside me and I felt irritated. I hadn’t thought about pouring it on the mixture before I touched it. ‘I was out of my element here’ I thought as I reached for the flour.

Andrei’s baker had abruptly called five minutes before work notifying him he couldn’t work his shift. His grandmother had fallen down the stairs and fractured her hip, hence his lack of concern for Andrei. He was the only living relative she had so it fell upon him to look after her. One missed shift would turn into dozens. The bakery was small and hidden in a remote part of Romania. The clientèle was not much besides those living in the small town from years ago, or even since they were born.

Everyone in town knew each other. When I arrived I had my doubts about staying in this place because of that same reason. I would be the talk for weeks and I couldn’t risk so many people questioning my presence. Except, I was lucky.

One evening, I sat in a small and dark corner of a bar near the outskirts of the town where it was most probable to see an outsider. Two men sat a couple of feet away from me, talking fairly loudly. Out of boredom and desire to know the people I might have been seeing every day, I heard and studied their moments. Taking notes about their behaviors and storing them far into the file I had on humanity. Their voices were cheery as they ate pastries that I was sure to not be from the small bar.

“This is so good! I can’t believe I haven't tasted a pastry this good since I left,” he moaned loudly in reaction to the puff on his hand. The crumbly dessert spilling powdered sugar all over his dark gray pants. “Andrei hasn’t lost his touch.”

“Who is this Andrei you talk so highly of?” The older male asked the seemingly young partner. The man wore an expensive suit, not one that could be found here and from what I gathered from their conversation, he had not grown up here. But his friend did. What he said next grabbed my attention the most.

“His bakery is pretty hidden in the town. Someone that didn’t know the road would not find him. He used to be a criminal, on the run and all that. But since he got out of prison he became a baker. the man sure has a gift. I don’t even know why he went to jail, because the man is a sweetheart. I think he was just dealt a bad hand.” The man kept munching on his pastry as he talked. The vowels all merging to create a soundless blob. I swore he said more but that was all I could understand and by the face of his friend, he understood less.

“It’s such a small town. Why was it never known?”

“I don’t know. Rumor has it that he was born here but left, something to do with his family. He came back years later, on the run from some people. People we assumed to be the police. Of course, the police followed his trail and eventually found him here. Two years later. He hid pretty well if, you asked me. He treats people with respect but he never talks about himself. He has always been reserved when it comes to his life, only telling small details that lead to nothing. You know, not enough to form a life picture…”

Before he finished talking, I was out of my seat, walking towards the pair. I plastered an innocent look on my face, one I had studied and perfected many times since coming to earth. I relaxed my posture, knowing I had been tense and tucked since I entered this town. I still can’t believe I was social before. Nobody would believe that if I told them now.

“Hey, those pastries look marvelous!” I said in a cheery voice when I reached the pair. Both of their heads whipped towards my direction, curiosity written in their faces. I could hear the questions in their head about me and where I came from and what I looked for in town. Typical gossiping mortals. I wanted to cut the tie between our heads, feeling bad about corrupting the men’s thoughts. But I couldn’t, not until I had what I wanted. “Do you know where could I find them?”

“Sure thing. What’s your name, sweet thing?” Sweet thing, that’s funny. If he had been into the American news he would not say that.

“Calypso. Do you know where the place is? Can you explain it to me?” I said, trying to hide the hurry in my voice. His thoughts were front seat in my mind, not wanting to miss a thing.

“So eager.” He chuckled. Instead of the route, I was expecting, he thought about my naked form and countless sexual images began replaying. I resisted the urge to impale his backside, taking a deep breath and counting to ten. I played his game. I battered my eyelashes and looked at him from hooded eyes. I bit my lip gently and walked closer. Sneaking a glance at his friend, I noticed he was no longer looking at us. He seemed uncomfortable and had turned to his coffee and pastries. I wish I had a coffee to turn to.

“Maybe you could take me there. If you remember the way, of course.” He smirked and grabbed the jacket slung over the wooden chair he sat on. His friend looked at us, startled as if he wasn’t expecting my response. However, the joy of his friend would be short-lived. Images of the way to the small bakery filled my head and I smirked. Before he could take my hand to guide me to his car I asked for the restroom.

As soon as I came in, my eyes searched for some window I could use to leave unnoticed. And I found it in the corner of the bathroom beside one of the huge black and white mirrors. I locked the door and hurried to open the window, sliding through the door. The darkness of the night didn’t face me but my alert was high. Everybody could hide in the dark. My heart rocked against my chest as I saw the same guy from early waiting beside his car. I hurried along the alleyway, pulling my hood up and hiding my hair, disappearing into the dark.

“Calypso, boy for you.” I was brought from my memories by the rough voice of Andrei. Whoever didn’t spend much time with him would think he was mad all the time thanks to his voice and forever furrowed white bushy eyebrows. I matched the furrowing of his eyebrows when he mentioned a boy. I had been careful enough to not get attached or get anyone attached to myself so the mention of another human being besides Andrei spooked me.

Suddenly, the thought of agents looking for me or the usual threats I had filled me with panic. I heard the thunderous beat of my heart. The tremble of my hands disrupted the beautiful form of the pastry in my hands. quickly cleaning and taking away the apron full of white dust, I walked to the front of the door.

A dark-haired man in his early twenties stood next to the door with a blue box in his hands. A white shimmering ribbon adorned the delicate box, wrapping silkily around it to form a well-done bow. The chiseled bone structure of his profile caught my breath as he looked to the small, underpopulated plaza in the corner of the rondure. The curvature of his roman nose and the thin shape of his lips sticking in his profile.

I saw him regularly at the small bakery. His usual was a Papanaşia with a black strong coffee. He left three dollars on the tip jar three times a week and I noticed if he was overly happy, he would leave a fiver regardless of the day or how many days he had tipped. I had seen him mad twice in the store. Seemingly, he was one of those guys that harbored every trouble inside in a chaotic turmoil. I knew because I had invaded his mind one of those times. Curiosity had gotten the best of me, knowing he was always the type of guy that carried the sun on his shoulder. Every time he caught my attention, I tried to remind myself that he could’ve been an agent sent by Hydra to kill me or worse, kidnap me.

“Hello. What can I help you with?” I said, confidence laced in my voice. The confidence I did not expect to have. His head whipped towards me. A smile broke on his face at the sight of me. I saw the fidgeting of the box in his hands and the sudden bobbing of his knee. He didn’t appear to be harboring any secrets, or at least not deadly ones.

“Hey. I know this will probably look very weird to you but I’ve been watch- I mean not watching but I just- I,” His stammering caused a giggle to leave my lips involuntarily. My hand immediately flew to my lips, hiding the smile corrupting my face. He lowered his face but not before giving me one of those smiles that could light up a world. God, I felt sappy. He looked at me once again. “I don’t know how to do this. I definitely didn’t think it through.” He chuckled. One of his hands came up to brush his face while shaking it, side to side. I could tell he was nervous, maybe more that I initially had been.

Seeing him stammer was the cutest thing I had seen since the little green and purple flowers that grew back home and surrounded our palace. So, I decided to help him a bit. “You could start with your name,” I said, trying to not smile too much. Agent, agent, agent…

“God, you probably should’ve done that first. Nice one.” He said, more to himself than for me to hear it. “I’m Razvan. It's lovely to finally meet you.” I shook his hand. It was rough yet soft with elongated fingers caressing my own small and thin one.

“Calypso.”

“What I meant to say, you know, before I shot myself in the foot was that you caught my eye since I first saw you. Now, I swear I'm not stalking you because it could be easy to think after the horrible introduction I just did. But, yeah, I would like to get to know you, if that’s okay with you.”

I did think about it. I swear I did. I thought about how he could be linked to Hydra and if you searched on the deepest paranoid corner, the Avengers. I thought he could’ve been just a random murderer whose floor I had shaken. My voice of reason said no. and with the saddest feeling settling my stomach, I told him what I thought. Or tried to.

“I’m sorry, I-I can’t. You seem like the loveliest person b-but I…” For some reason, I couldn’t just say no. “Can I think about this?” That was the only thing that came out of my mouth while I tried to get the words ‘go away and ‘don’t speak to me’ out of my mouth. His smile faded a bit, but even then he tried to keep his positivity and bright personality on. I could feel the waves of disappointment once I started speaking but hope soon came flooding back.

“Sure. I'm a complete stranger coming here every day just to see you. I can see how that’s alarming. take your time.” He shook his head as if realizing what he had just said. He chuckled and I tried to give him a small smile. Before I could turn away and leave, I felt him touch my elbow. I jumped back.

His brows furrowed quickly. “Forgive me. This is for you. And please accept it.” I thought about refusing but this would only prolong this meeting, pushing me to accept a company I wasn't ready for. I took the small box, my hand already trying to open the shimmering blue box. “No, please. Open it later, more calmly and everything and you can tell me whenever you’re ready if you like it.” I gave him a smile, which he returned brightly before diving back inside the back of the store.

Once inside, I undid the delicate ribbon, watching it dissolve like seafoam by the lovely blue water. The glistening gold chain with a tiny, colorful Koi fish rested in the center of the box. My heart swelled and I felt a way I hadn’t felt since Bucky. He remembered what I had told him that first, and the only time we had talked before today.

The voice of Andrei brought me out of my stupor with a jump. A hand traveled to grasp my heart while the other held the box tightly.

“Razvan is nice guy.” His voice was gruff and deep like it had been since I had met him. He walked behind me and grabbed a pack of flour to dump beside me. I looked towards the other and realized I was running out of it.

“Do you know him?”

“Yes. Comes every day for two years. Great boy.”

When I didn’t say anything, he stopped cutting open the pack of flour and turned to look at me. “You too reserved. Not want to end like Andrei alone. Give guy chance.” That was all he said before he left. A tall wrinkly woman with short red hair calling out for him.

The last thing I thought that day after he left drove me to the same road he had set me on. I didn’t want to end alone or die alone for that matter. But what was I to do if everyone thought I was a selfish monster who just wanted to kill and bring chaos? The only person who didn’t feel that particular way was the same man I was leaving without saying goodbye.

Stark seemed to have gathered his words together because he suddenly began spewing some shit on Andrei. shit, he didn’t like it.

“The girl is no selfish girl. Only a fool like yourself would think so. Only a blind man would propose such a thing.” His brows were furrowed but Otherwise, he was calmly standing at the bottom of the stairs sipping his milk. He seemed like he would continue but I made sure to stop him

“Andrei, no.”

“I see. She holds you hostage and controls you, doesn’t she?” Stark countered, a smirk settling in his features. I pinched my nose, sighing loudly.

“You have to leave with this buffoon?” I walked down to his side, muttering an annoyed yes. “I’m sadder for you than him.” A chuckle escaped him as he hugged my shoulders with one arm. I tried to push him away but found no will to do so. I would miss Andrei. He felt like the father I never had. Worry settled in my stomach knowing I had been here and I would no longer be if anything happened to him. I hugged him back, despite my better judgment and the four pairs of eyes staring back at me.

“Don’t forget about me, violet. Nor dear Razvan.’ He told me after letting me go. I nodded before calling back to my two companions. Stark came down, slowly walked to the front door. Bucky at his heels. They both turned. Bucky’s face had some sort of emotion I couldn't decipher. I thought I could, but I doubt he would feel happy about finding someone genuine to spend my days with.

Stark, on the other hand, looked at Andrei as if he had grown an extra head.

“I’m confused. Aren’t you supposed to be dying at her touch or something? Are you sure she didn’t threaten you to act this way?” The funny thing was, he sounded genuinely confused. The skepticism in his voice hurt my feelings but the mere fact it was stark made me forget quickly. He was an insensitive prick with a personal vendetta.

“Take this fool away before I turn him into a human pastry,” Andrei commented. I walked towards them, chuckling. “Ai grijă, violet aprins.” Take care, fiery violet. The elder said before we shut the door behind us. my heart swelled at his words. I knew I would long for those quiet evenings where it would rain and we would sit down in the living room with a book, quietly enjoying our presence. We laughed and made new and invented pastries in the kitchen for days, always looking for new and innovative flavors. I would miss the man that had treated me like his daughter.

“Take care, Pop.” I whispered to myself. Not thinking a long-haired blue-eyed soldier would hear.

And just like that, we disappeared quietly into the night and I said goodbye to one of the most important people in my life.

James let me know they came in the Quinjet, that enormous thing I had refused to sit on two years ago. the walk was not far from where we were and we found it in a while.

The Quinjet was hidden behind one of the buildings next to the bakery. the gigantic thing sleeping while we arrived to climb up. clint stood outside, his arms crossed. that man always looked like he was in a power pose.

“Romania? What is it with chased people and Romania?” Confusion and genuine interest were written all over his face.

Barton had always been a friend before I knew the truth. Nat told me she had told him in a drunken stupor. he tried to talk to her about telling me but she didn’t listen. I didn’t hold it against him because I knew he wasn’t actively participating but he didn’t do anything either.

I shrugged. “It’s a good hiding place. too many criminals organizations for you to matter. nobody cares who the hell you are as long as you keep quiet.”

“Good shadow place.” Bucky added as he tried to help me get in the Quinjet. I ignored his hand, focusing on Clint’s face.

“Exactly.” My response was clipped. if he was fishing for a normal conversation he was in for a treat.

After a while, we took off. My legs became restless as I sat in front of Stark and Bucky while Clint piloted the flying thing. boredom pushed me to get up from my seat and walk towards the front of the Quinjet. that, and Straks glare along with the awkwardness of Bucky’s movements.

Clint’s focused face came into view as I sat beside him. silence engulfed the both of us before he broke the silence with some words I didn’t expect.

“We missed you.” it was a quiet remark but full of shocking force. I just sat there, wide-eyed looking towards the already clearing sky. I looked towards him and forced myself to respond. a scoff came out of me, causing Clint to look rapidly towards me.

“You have no reason to believe me, but it’s the truth. Nat was pretty shaken up when you left. we looked for you everywhere and decided you didn’t want to be found. that you needed some time. it took you longer than we thought.”

“You didn’t find me because you didn’t look. You don’t have to lie to me, Barton.” I said, masking the hurt I felt with anger. why keep lying to me? I knew they didn’t care sop they didn’t need to act as they did.

“What? we did loo-” He never finished his sentence since Stark’s voice boomed around the small space. he came to let us know where would land soon as if we didn’t know already. Clint was the pilot, it was impossible for us to not know. suspicion arose in my chest but I soon forgot it when I saw the massive compound below us.

✹✹✹ I would be lying if I said my stomach wasn’t fluttering and my hands trembled slightly. I subtly rubbed my hands in my jeans, hoping to get some moisture away. But, there was something else bothering me. It had been there for a little while. The emptiness in my chest divided in two, as though… I don’t even know. The doors slid with a swift sound and my heart rate hit new floors.

I tried to avoid showing any emotion I felt. Seeing them surrounding the long table, all in their daily clothing made it hard to remember. I couldn’t show the happiness of seeing them all right after two years. Nor could I show the excitement deep in my bones seeing Wanda’s face. I couldn’t forget the damage (situation) those high-held beings made to my heart.

I looked at them with a mask of indifference firmly placed.

Wanda was the first to step forwards, as I knew she would. I didn’t expect her to but a part of me screamed how she had been the only real friend through the year I spent in this cage. I resisted the urge to hug her, touch her, and receive the reassurance I so deeply wanted.

“I thought- we thought you were dead.” The revelation shocked me. It felt as though they couldn’t believe I was alive. But I was. The question was… why did they think so?

“Nop. Still kicking.” I replied.

“Unfortunately.” I heard Stark mutter under his breath. I rolled my eyes and resisted the urge to kick him. I could make him feel a true kick in his brain. And his ass, too.

“Y/n!” A high-pitched voice came from the corner next to me. The smiley face of Pepper Potts came rushing towards me, engulfing me in a hug. My nerve endings shot and I prayed my instinctive responses wouldn’t go through. Fortunately for me, they didn’t. Before I could even think to hold her back—which I wouldn’t have done anyway— she stepped back. Smile intact and a gleam in her eyes capable of illuminating the whole room.

“Jesus. You’ve changed so much!” Her hands settled on my shoulder, holding softly and slightly shaking my shocked frame. “I missed you.” Her vice took a sweet edge and her head lolled to the side. Her eyes scrutinized me with the look of a mother who had just seen her child after a hard year abroad. I resisted the urge to shift uncomfortably out of her grasp. I wasn’t used to this.

“Honey, leave the feral alien alone.” Tony’s voice reached my ears. “We have important matters to discuss.”

“God, Tony. Give us a break. We haven’t seen the kid in two years.” Natasha’s ______ filled the room as I saw her taking steps towards me. I noticed there were no relaxed steps but tense and wary. Her eyes held a sort of apology mixed with caution.

I just stared. Deep inside I didn’t know how to react to someone I hadn’t seen in a long time, someone who betrayed me gets closer. Her body language told me she was sorry but still cautious of my reaction but I didn’t know if I should forgive her. Her right hand stretched towards my frame. I shifted uncomfortably in place, moving slightly away from her.

I saw her eyes roam my body, noticing the discomfort. She came to a halt three feet away from me. Her lips were pursed as she let her head drop for a second. She recovered quickly, extending her same hand towards me, this time to shake my hand.

“It’s good to have you back, Y/n.”

I took her hand in mine, shaking firmly. I nodded my head towards her. My lips pursed. The movement of Wanda’s body caught my eye. She stepped closer to me, her hands nervously trembling beside her big, red jumper.

“Can I hug you?” Hearing those words coming out of her froze the ongoing flow of blood through my veins. I was shocked, to say the least. I bet I looked like a gaping fish as an incomprehensible string of detached words escaped my lips. Everyone else seemed as surprised as I was. For completely different reasons I would bet. As Stark had said, they thought I was a free being.

She waited patiently, probably aware of the shock and ongoing battle I had inside me. She was the only one aware of my thoughts about showing anything besides contempt. And she knew why. But I sent it all to hell and for once, I did what I wanted to do. I nodded.

Her smile was worth enough as she moved quickly towards me, as though worried I would change my opinion. Her thin arms wrapped around my neck, my lack of height apparent as my 5’1 ass reached her shoulders. I resisted the urge to cry as I wrapped my arms around her back, relishing in a familiar face that didn’t hate my only existence.

“I missed you.” It was a whisper, only for me to hear. A small smile escaped my lips as hope blossomed in my chest. Hope that maybe I wasn’t a lost cause. Hope that maybe someday I could have a family.

“I did too, Red.” I murmured back. Careful to not raise my voice as I didn’t want anyone to know anything. I felt oddly vulnerable to be hugging someone let alone hugging someone in front of seven people. I noticed Vision staring and I gave him a subtle nod, a small smile creeping upon my lips. He nodded back with that usual blank expression not in compass with the feelings he harbored. After some time, I let her go before Stark had another remark to make.

I noticed Steve leaning against a far-away table, maybe ten feet away from where I was. His head lowered, eyes on the ground. His arms surrounded his build, hugging himself with a heavy frown on his face. He didn’t want to look towards me and I thought I knew why. He was ashamed of what he did. He was guilty anyway you looked at it. He was guided by Bucky to do everything. He followed the man despite knowing it was wrong. Not because your friend tells you to throw yourself out the window means you’ll do it. He knew full well what was wrong and right. He knew Barnes' proposal was as low as a man could get.

If he didn’t apologize and acknowledge what he did, he was dead to me. I mean, he had tried to apologize that day, but I was devastated and no words came through my anger.

There were a few handshakes and subtle nods here and there before I noticed a presence missing. I looked around for the usual big man with an overinflated sense of heroism but didn’t find him. He was big enough for anyone to spot him. I felt a pang in my chest and a tingle at the back of my head and I knew something was wrong. The air shifted and my hands started trembling slightly.

“Where’s my brother?” I asked, my voice slightly shaky. I tried to compose myself, knowing he had to be alright or I would’ve felt something.

“We don’t know. We couldn’t get a hold of him.” Natasha replied. I noticed the subtle worry etched in her face lines.

Suddenly, I understood that emptiness inside me. That swirling emotion unlatched to an earthy body. One of the connectors inside of me, besides bucky’s, was empty. It didn’t have any energy to connect to.

No.

I didn’t realize I began hyperventilating while the word repeated itself over and over in my head. My chest rose and fell quickly while the air got caught in my throat. My hand shot out to grasp anything in reach I could hold myself up with.

“Y/n?! What’s wrong?” Wanda was the first to step forward and grab my elbow. Her soft touch didn't completely register in my sensory sense. The only thing in my mind was the heavy colorless fog swirling around in my insides.

The worst part was, I didn’t know which of my brothers it belonged to. I thought about them and how long it had been since I had seen them. Since I had been with them.

“Can you all excuse me?” I pulled myself together and without waiting for a response, I hurried across the room. I thought about the me that they just saw but somewhere deep down, I didn’t care.

I hurried, passing Steve's body. This time, he looked intently at me. I didn’t expect him to stand up and grab my shoulders. By this point, my vision was blurry and I tried hard to reconnect with the missing life essence.

“Y/n, I-”

“Can we do this later, Rogers?” I spat, cutting him off before getting my elbow out of his grasp. I left, shuddering and feeling a wave of anger rising in my chest.

What a good way to make a comeback.

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97 notes · View notes

drawing-way-outside-the-lines · 4 years

Photo

Walter Edward Sea *Supporting Character

Voice Claim: (Andrei Terbea) https://youtu.be/eaMMbLty3dY?t=14 Singing voice claim: (George Ogilvie) https://youtu.be/AgewRP_dnRg?t=14

Partner(s): None. Parents: Marjorie and James Edward Sea. Kids: None Age: 32 (2020) Birthday: 3rd of September. Height: 179cm Body type: More on the skinny side, but with a bit of muscle tone. Eye color: Honey Almond, with a bit of gray-mossy at the outer circle.

About: ~ Charismatic, honest, patient, playful, independent, calm, spontaneous, adaptable, creative, open-minded, adventurous, sensitive, friendly, helpful, positive, social, kind, romantic and tolerant. ~ Surfer ~ Sexuality, Bisexual. ~ Has half long dark blonde hair. ~ Does not like to be called Eddy or Edward. Only his mom calls him that. ~ British (although he lived in US for many years, and no longer has a British accent... apart from when he’s drunk or hangs around other British people for a longer period) ~ Has stretched earlobes. ~ Lives on the beach in a bungalow, with 4 of his closest friends, Sylvester, Isla, Zuri and Graham. ~ Has little to no contact with his family. ~ Used to be homeless. ~ Considers Graham his little brother although they aren’t related. He found Graham on the streets when he was just 12, and decided to take him under his wing. ~ Very down to earth. ~ Good listener, and loves to be there for people who need a shoulder to cry on. ~ Best friend of Dalton ~ Is a great guitar player and has a good singing voice as well. ~ Smells like ocean, the beach and warm drift wood. ~ Can’t cook very well, but he manages. ~ Smoker, also weed. ~ Big time cuddler! ~ Is often found on the beach, with his guitar. ~ Atheist. ~ Enjoys meeting new people, and getting to know them. ~ Dislikes nosy people. ~ Messy, a bit of a slob actually. ~ Doesn’t pay too much attention to other people’s opinion of him. ~ Loves bonfires, playing and singing, cuddling, the smell of wet pavement, the smell of rain and thunder, surfing, the beach, the sea, seafood, watching waves, music, chillin around the beach, swimming, diving, Netflix, coffee, fried eggs, bacon, beer, fresh baked bread, the feeling of warm sand, string lights, weed, dogs, bbq food, caramel ice cream, marshmallows, Honey Melon, hanging out with good people and sunset/sunrise. ~ His style is pretty casual, mainly printed tees and distressed shorts/jeans. ~ Is pretty good at poker.

Walter’s tag Walter’s house/home Walter’s moodboard Handwriting/ask answer pic:

One Gif to describe him:

One song to describe him: Ben Howard - Old Pine Personal Playlist: 1. Cat Clyde - Mama Said 2. Sticky Fingers - Cyclone (The Village Sessions) 3. Skinny Living - Fade | Mahogany Session 4. Bruno Major - Wouldn't Mean A Thing - 7 Layers Sessions 5. Ry Jones - Squeeze 6. Fleetwood Mac - Dreams (cover) by Dana Williams and Leighton Meester 7. Close To You- The Carpenters (ukulele cover) | Reneé Dominique 8. Rainbow Girls - "Down Home Girl" (cover) 9. Larkin Poe - Bleach Blonde Bottle Blues 10. Fly Me To The Moon - Lofi Cover (Prod. YungRhythm) 11. Belle Mt - Hollow | Mahogany Session 12. Alice Phoebe Lou - Walk on the wild side 13. Allen Stone - Sex & Candy 14. Samm Henshaw - Only Wanna Be With You | Mahogany Session 15. Paolo Nutini - Scream (Funk My Life Up) 16. Kina - I'm in love with you 17. Put Your Head On My Shoulder - Paul Anka (Floreyyyy Remix) 18. Miller Blue - Redbone (Childish Gambino cover) | Mahogany Session 19. James Hersey - Miss You | Mahogany Session 20. Cat Clyde - Like A Wave 21. Wild Child - Expectations (KUTX Pop Up at Utopia Fest) 22. Miette Hope // Oxygen (Live at The Crab Sessions) 23. INZO - Overthinker 24. The Handsome Family - Far From Any Road 25. Milky Chance - Don't Let Me Down feat. Jack Johnson

#Walter Sea #ts3 #sims3 #sims 3 #simblr #simographysup

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furymint · 5 years

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About the Mun

– one / NAME / ALIAS.

Brianna! but usually I go by Bri or Newty.

– two / BIRTHDAY.

02/20/1998

– three / ZODIAC SIGN.

fish fish fish fish fish

– four / HEIGHT.

I’m 5′1”.........i think. I might be 5 ft n a half ich???

– five / HOBBIES.

video games! i also really like writing and photoshop. i love reading n ive been getting better at doing so more regularly

– six / FAVOURITE COLOURS.

red is the best color ok. i also like pink and brown! and sky blue is rly valid

– seven / FAVOURITE BOOKS.

the picture of dorian gray - oscar wilde / de profundis - oscar wilde / through the looking glass - lewis carroll / maurice - em forster / a room with a view - em forster / the gods, some mortals, and lord wickenham - john oliver hobbes / collected poems (1931) - wilfred owen / diaries 1915-1918 - siegfried sassoon / great expectations - charles dickens / mr. midshipman hornblower - cs forester

– eight / LAST SONG LISTENED TO.

death and all his friends - coldplay

– nine / LAST FILM WATCHED.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ uta no prince sama maji love kingdom *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

oh no wait it was god’s own country akjshkjh which is totally opposite but v good. big nol energy

– ten / INSPIRATION FOR MUSE.

Elliot: honestly eli popped up in my head one day so there wasn’t a process to creating him, but to flesh him out and get used to him, i wrote him as much as i could and read as much lgbt period lit i can get my hands on. usually that’s how i write charas--i begin them myself and then support them by finding similar or suitable precedents. wilde is an incredibly obvious influence with Love Over All and several other associations like fashion and social criticism. otherwise, he’s got some dark academia and war poetry in him, and i’d compare him most closely to characters like sebastian flyte or réné teleny but listen only in the first ch of the book ok sdjhfjhdf

Nolanel: i made nol rather quickly and he hasn’t changed much from the way i first designed him other than to become more of a solider than a knight. initial inspirations for him came from familiar settings from my past reading, like mining--an old obsession--or medieval fantasy from media like fire emblem and proooob ranger’s apprentice. I also put much of FF’s dragoon trope in him. There’s also some dickens--particularly and obviously in great expectations, but also copperfield. he has tons of war poetry and wwi research in him, esp from the field of war neurosis. his most similar charas are andrei bolkonsky, pip, philip ashley, and hes a real person but ra leighton.

- eleven / GOD KNOWS WHERE IT WENT. my last two brain cells

– twelve / MEANING BEHIND YOUR URL.

theseventhdawn is obvs from the scions of the same number of dawn. i really dont know why i picked it bc im not attached to it at all, and ive really been thinking at changing. anyway. praise the fury etc etc love u all

Tagged by: @mostdangerouspotato!

Tagging: @kukurubean @aethernoise @foewreckem

#i havent seen many charas like eli tbh #other than in like. side characters #nols not too hard to find methinks #Big Dumb Soft Anger Soldier #is a really useful character archetype ksjdhfjdh #even so i think a lot of soldier charas are also side charas #but most protags are dumb. that helps more #dsjuhskdjhf #i feel like finding smth andre gide to read now #brianna babbles #junk about me

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andryushas · 7 years

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War and Peace Notebook Spam Part 2: Physical Descriptions

I’m gonna dump all my notes on descriptors here if anyone wants them for reference.

Pierre Bezukhov: “Enormously large”- “abnormally” tall, enormously fat and quite broad. An awkward, clumsy body. Massive hands. Spectacles for myopic eyes. A warm,genuine and childlike smile. Joyful, friendly eyes.

Andrei Bolkonsky: Stern faced, handsome. “Slight build” (described in the context of surprising physical durability despite his slight build) and often called a “little man” by other characters despite the narration describing him as a man of medium height. Dark haired. Clean shaven. Though he does not often smile, in spare moments of warmth he has a wonderful smile.

Natasha Rostova: Pretty, black hair and eyes. Thin waist and limbs. Her liveliness brightens an unextraordinary beauty- she is not the prettiest but her vivid spirit makes her very attractive. Large, soft mouth.

Anatole Kuragin: Tall, handsome and foppish. Big, beautiful eyes. Dark brows. Blonde hair, curled and pomaded. Easygoing smile. Big and sturdy. Moves loosely and sits spread out.

Hélène Bezukhova: Frighteningly beautiful. Plump. Classical shoulders. Serene smile that she gives everyone. Dark shining eyes. Tall. Large, and well shaped marble-like bust.

Fyodor Dolokhov: “A not very tall man with clear blue eyes and a sober expression.” Curly haired, clean shaven. “The lines of his mouth were remarkably finally curved. In the middle upper lip came down on the lower lip in a sharp wedge am at the corner something like two smiles were constantly formed, one on each side.” “Firm, insolent, intelligent gaze.” “Trim” body. Fair haired.

Nikolai Rostov: Dark, curly hair. Handsome face with a mustache. “Dashing” looks. Not very tall. “An open expression of the face.”

Marya Dmitrievna Akhrosimova: Very tall. Curly gray hair. 51 years old in 1805.

Marya Bolkonskaya: Plain features, skin predisposed to blotchy blushing. Beautiful, luminous, and large, kind eyes.

Nikolai Bolkonsky I: Old, small. Dresses as the “King of Prussia,” in the fashion of the previous century. Thick, “beetling” brows and curious, intelligent eyes.

Lise Bolkonskaya: Dark hair. Pretty and small, though she becomes heavier and plainer as she grows more pregnant. A little upper lip with a hint of a mustache which rises, staying parted to reveal white teeth.

Sonya Rostova: A diminutive brunette with big, dark lashed brown eyes and a long, dark braid wrapped around her head. Lean, gracefully muscular arms. Catlike.

Natalya Rostova, the elder: A tired looking woman with an “oriental face,” who has bore twelve children. Thin gray hair.

Ippolit Kuragin: Looks strikingly like his sister, only with an ugliness which comes from his expression, clouded with stupidity. Weak, skinny body with limbs which assume awkward positions.

Vera Rostova: Cold, handsome face.

Vaska Denisov: Unusually short, dark, curly haired and disheveled man with a genial smile and dark eyes.

Boris Drubetskoy: Handsome, tall and blond. Calm and even features. Very narrow and slender.

Amélie Bourienne: Blonde, beautiful and tall.

Vassily Kuragin: Bald.

#war and peace #anatole kuragin #pierre bezukhov #natasha rostova #andrei bolkonsky #sonya rostova #nikolai rostov #old prince bolkonsky #marya bolkonskaya #hélène kuragina #fedya dolokhov #marya akhrosimova #amélie bourienne #vassily kuragin #vaska denisov #boris drubetskoy #notebook spam #long post //

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steigermagazine · 4 years

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Ali Baba Bar

by Andrey Troitskiy

The Ali-Baba Bar usually closed at midnight on Sundays, but it was dead tonight, so Edik, the only member of the staff who stayed on after they emptied the cash drawer and drove the money away, decided to knock off early. According to the clock it was already twenty to eleven, meaning it was about time he started getting ready to lock up. Edik came out from behind the bar, walked over to the teenage girl and guy seated at the little table by the narrow, slit-like window and intimated it was high time they were on their way. The kid tapped the face of his wristwatch in protest, but Edik just turned his back on the pair and walked over to the corner, where he shook awake a drunk who’d dozed off on a chair, and announced that his time was up: the establishment was closing in a quarter of an hour. When he got back to the bar, Edik finished his coffee, picked up a dishtowel and dried some beer mugs standing on a tray. And he was about to go to the staffroom to peel off his filthy apron and change his clothes, when the door opened and a new customer blew in. A man of about forty, in a rumpled gray suit, walked up to the bar. He put his club bag on the floor, took a seat on a stool and ordered a lager beer. Edik recognized the fellow, nodded to him and, in an effort to master the sudden onset of anxiety, he tried to muster up the semblance of a smile. The fellow’s face was tanned, and his dark hair lightened by the sun; there was a faded tattoo of a ring on the middle finger of his right hand. They called him Oleg Slavin, though the name was surely an alias, and his passport a fake. It was obvious at once that he’d traveled from afar, from somewhere in the south, that he was tired after his long journey, in need of a good sleep, and ill-disposed to shooting the breeze. “I haven’t got the keys today,” said Edik quietly, casting a glance behind Slavin. That damned kid and his chick hadn’t gotten the hell out of the bar yet, the solitary drunkard had stayed put and was now sucking back the rest of his flat beer. “They told me you wouldn’t be showing up until Tuesday or Wednesday.” “Circumstances have changed,” said Slavin. He had a gulp of beer, wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and put a pack of cigarettes on the bar. Edik ducked into the staffroom, pulled his cell phone out of his jacket pocket and dialed a number, but not the usual one—he dialed a different number entirely. And quietly, cupping his hand around the mouthpiece, even though nobody could hear him anyway, he said, “It’s me. He’s here. Yes. Only just. Out of the blue…” “Will you be able to keep him there for half an hour?” asked the fellow on the other end. “In a way that won’t arouse suspicion?” “Actually, he’s not used to having to wait around. Well, okay. I’ll try. But I’m begging you—let everything go down the way we agreed. No blood.” “Don’t worry about it,” answered the man. “Nobody wants there to be any blood.” Edik hung up, walked up to the window and looked out on the courtyard, dark and filthy. A look of melancholy and apprehension had set in his eyes, and he didn’t want to go back behind the counter, but mastering himself, he shuffled back to his station. “They told me to call back in fifteen minutes,” he said to Slavin, who was unhurriedly sipping his beer and, so, as to occupy himself with something, Edik went back to drying the washed mugs. He poured Slavin another beer and snuck a furtive, sideways glance at his watch—it was as if time had stood still. Then he thought of something else he could occupy himself with; he started scrubbing the sink with a brush. The work made him feel somewhat calmer. Slavin had been showing up here for the last six months, dropping by two or three times a month, usually on weekdays. Edik was always informed in advance of his imminent arrival by persons unknown to him. The minute Slavin crossed the threshold of the establishment, Edik was supposed to dial a telephone number, which was changed monthly, if not more frequently. An unfamiliar voice would dictate the address of a newly rented apartment, to which Slavin was to proceed. Sometimes things happened differently. A man would come into the bar and leave a couple of keys for Slavin, to a car and an apartment, and give Edik the address, which he had to memorize, without writing it down. They would often leave a cell phone; once they entrusted him with a big, heavy Samsonite suitcase with a tumbler lock. Why the hell this Oleg Slavin came all the way up here from the southern climes, what he was doing in Moscow—those were questions Edik didn’t bother his head about, because he didn’t want to know more than he needed to. Clearly the man was a courier, and he wasn’t moving Tadzhiki melons, either. And that was that. When it came right down to it, though, Edik wasn’t assuming any risk. Especially since the people coming into the bar for keys and addresses were always different. Before Slavin there was somebody named Khaburgaev, who skulked into the place now and then; before him it was some Tadzhik or Uzbek with a surname you couldn’t pronounce, and a couple or three times a good-looking woman by the name of Svetlana came by. If the cops ever put the squeeze on him, he would deny everything. Edik was just a little guy—they asked him to phone someone—he phoned. They left something—he passed it along. End of story. What was so criminal about that? He got paid good money for carrying out a few simple tasks. Not allowing himself any overindulgences, he socked every kopeck away, in the hope that one day he could escape this stifling dump and open his own bar, big and bright. And not in Moscow, either; he didn’t have the stomach for it. The dirty cops and all the city council racketeers put the screws on you with all of their kickbacks. He’d start a business back home, in Penza. He’d let all the beautiful people come, with their bulging wallets, and not any hoods or winos. “Isn’t it time for you to call back?” asked Slavin. “Right, right,” answered Edik. He turned on the tap, rinsed the suds off his hands and wiped them. “I’m going right now.” He popped into the staffroom again, stood there for a couple of minutes with his back pressed up against the wall, and went back into the bar. “They don’t seem to have it together over there, they asked me to call back again,” he lied, feeling his face stiffen from the strain of it all. “Shit, it’s always like that. Just a second…” He came out from behind the bar and walked over to the drunk. Grabbing him by the scruff of the neck, he stood him up, led him to the entrance and shoved him out the door. Then he hung out the “Closed” sign, but left the door unlocked. He let down the blinds on the windows and went back behind the bar. “Another beer?” he asked Slavin, but the latter shook his head no. Edik looked at his watch; the half hour had elapsed long ago. A few days back, at the same time of night—before the bar closed— three brawny young fellows showed up. They weren’t very amicably disposed, aggressive even. They put an envelope full of money down on the counter and said that upon the arrival in the bar of a tanned fellow with a tattoo on his finger, he was to call such and such a number. At first Edik started to panic, and even tried to make up some excuse, but then he decided that in his position it didn’t pay to argue—otherwise he might be asking for it. “Alright, alright,” he replied. “I’ll do whatever you say. Only don’t stick that gun in my face.” The fellows left, having promised to pay Edik double the amount once he’d set up the meeting with Slavin. And they also promised there would be no disputes, much less any blood. They just needed to talk to the man, make him a business proposal or something like that. Clearly, Edik’s bartending job at this place was finished. All he had to do now was get the money he’d been promised, buy a train ticket, and head home. He hadn’t found himself either a decent chick, or any friends in Moscow; there was nothing to keep him here. He’d already packed up his suitcase and gym bag, though he still hadn’t informed his landlady that he’d be leaving any day now. Chain-smoking and tapping the bar with his fingertips, Slavin fidgeted uneasily on his stool. And when the front door opened and the three young guys in tracksuits walked into the bar one after the other, he only turned his head slightly and looked Edik in the eye with a grimace of contempt. Slavin knew a set-up when he saw one. And he was swift: he jumped off the stool and over to the side, toward the john, covertly pulling a pistol out of his jacket. He fired three shots from the hip. It took all of two seconds. There was a volley of automatic gunfire in reply, then another. More shots were fired from the pistol. Having hidden behind the bar, Edik was sitting on his haunches. He bent down, lowered his shoulders and decided he ought to lie down on the floor, but he didn’t get the chance. He felt a blow to his side, under the ribs, and a sharp, burning pain, which caused him to double over. Edik thought he must’ve been hit. It was probably only a flesh wound, because he was alive, and conscious…but why was there so much blood? The world swam and reeled before his eyes. The shooting ceased just as unexpectedly as it had begun. The three fellows approached the bar, turned Slavin over from his stomach onto his back, rifled through his pockets and fished out his papers and billfold. There was a smoldering butt stuck to the dead man’s lip; the ashes were falling into his half-open mouth, which had filled with blood. One of the guys pulled a camera out of his jacket pocket and snapped a few pictures, while another grabbed the club bag. Then they both hurried to the door. The third guy followed close behind them, but then he turned back. He leaned over the bar on his stomach and looked down at the bartender, who was lying in a pool of blood. “Help me,” Edik managed to whisper, but so quietly he barely heard himself. “Right away,” answered the fellow. And transferring his pistol to his right hand, he shot the bartender twice in the head, then turned and walked away.

trans. Krystyna Steiger

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cdyssey · 7 years

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Saw Great Comet yesterday (7-30-17), and I just wanted to share some of my experience with you guys! I was sitting in the rear mezz, which I highly recommend!

*I'mma skip over a lot of the main details just because they’ve already been covered, but I’ll try to include things that were particular to this show/not often talked about.

“Prologue”

• There’s a little vignette right before the show starts where Andrey is leaving for war, and it begins with Natasha screaming the most heartbreaking no you’ve ever heard in ur life. • When Oak came out, there was thunderous applause. Like, it went on for at least a full minute. I was so happy. • Also, hearing that first accordion note reduced me to tears bc I’m sensitive™.

“Pierre”

• So lemme talk about Oak’s voice real quick. Someone noted that it’s this perfect blend between Groban’s smoothness and Malloy’s roughness, and I have to wholeheartedly agree. It’s absolutely beautiful. He’s a beautiful Pierre. • Also, he plays Pierre with a lot of melancholy. It’s almost as though he’s always on the verge of tears. • “He’s charming; he has no sex.” While the ladies are skipping around him, Hélène is conducting them, and it’s hilarious. • “I pity you. I pity me. I pity you.” — Oak sings these lines so gutturally. His agony echoes off the very walls of the Imperial. • “Pierre” received a long applause as well.

“Moscow”

• GRACE MCLEAN DESERVED TO BE NOMINATED FOR A TONY AWARD!1! HOLY CRAP. HER VOCALS BRING THE HOUSE DOWN!!!!!!! • The moment she belts her first lines, you know exactly what kind of personality Marya D. has, and that’s a tribute to her actress. Srsly. • During the song, Marya will sometimes act maternally to Sonya, but the moment Natasha comes back into sight, she’ll roughly push Sonya away, and it’s hilarious. • Natasha’s humming is absolutely heartbreaking. It’s one of the many moments in the musical when you realize how young she is.

“The Private and Intimate Life of the House”

• There were understudies for both Mary and Bolkonsky/Andrey, Courtney Bassett and Ken Clark respectively. They were wonderful. Ken’s performance especially stood out to me. • “People enjoy me, though…” Before he sang these lines, he held eye contact with a person across from him for, like, five seconds, and it was incredibly funny. (Same goes for him patting his wig and powder flying into the air.) • “BRING ME MY SLIPPERS! YES, FATHER. YES, FATHER. BRING ME MY WIIIIIIIIIIIIINE.” • The audience interaction in this one is A+. Mary’s suitor and Bolkonsky’s cheap French thing draw huge laughs from the crowd. • “They are there upon his head.” I’ve seen a few posts where people lament that the audience laughs at this line, but I truly think it’s supposed to be laughed at. Mary is kind of coy when she says it, like she’s laughing at it herself. After that, though, her mood dips, slowly sinking into this utterly palpable reproach. • The audience was completely silent. • While she’s singing her final lines, Bolkonsky is slowly making his way back to his chair, and your heart shatters as you watch. He’s clutching his back and using the railing for support. When he finally collapses in his chair, he kinda puts his head in his hands.

“Natasha and the Bolkonskys”

• Towards the beginning of the song, Natasha and Mary hoist chairs over their heads and join a table of people on stage. It’s hilarious. They really milk the awkwardness of the moment. • “Constrained and strained” is so frickin’ good. When Courtney and Denée sing it, it’s really low and creepy. • “Says the mean, old man in his underthings” drew huge laughs, especially bc of Bolkonsky’s hand movements. He kept gesturing towards his entire body.

“No One Else”

• Honest to God, I could write essays on how perfect Denée Benton and her performance of this song is. She emotes so beautifully. Her voice, her movements, her facial expressions all come together to create Natasha, a young, lost girl who wants nothing more than to see Andrey again. • I cried (obviously). • The blue light is absolutely gorgeous in this song. (The blue light is meant to be the moon.) • At one point, Andrey shows up, and snow begins to lightly fall on him. He reads one of Natasha’s letters, brings it to his lips tenderly before walking away, and just behind him, almost able to reach him, is Natasha, her face the perfect picture of despair. • Denée Benton. • The applause after this song was long and well-deserved.

“The Opera”

• Just for the record, songs like this one, “The Duel”, and “The Abduction"—where all of the cast members are out—are absolutely electric. The energy is incredible. • “The opera, the opera…” Marya D. belts these lines so loudly, lololol. • On one side, you can spot Heath Saunders as one of the opera goers, and lemme just tell you guys, that long, black coat suits him. • “Hélène and Dolokhov arm-in-arm…” They aren’t so much arm-in-arm as they are passionately making out on stage. Omg. I love them. • “Noooo, I’m enjoying myself this evening.” Pierre pumps his fist and smiles this absolutely giddy smile. • When Marya sees that Natasha is talking to Hèlène, she runs up and pushes Nat behind her. • To indicate that the “curtain rises,” some of the light bulbs retract. It’s a cool effect. • I know the literal opera part of the song sounds incredibly weird on the recording, but in person, it’s more hilarious than you’d think. The actors are doing ridiculous things and making animalistic noises, lol. • When it’s over, the spotlight turns to Natasha and Sonya. Sonya’s asleep, lolololololol. • Right before Anatole comes in and around the time Natasha begins to “pass into a state of intoxication”, she hallucinates Andrey being injured during the war. The two circle each other around Pierre’s salon, simply gazing into each other’s eyes, and it’s intense. • Anatole’s entrance is frickin’ ridiculous and amazing all at once. • You know those measured beats at the beginning of his introduction? During each of those, he sharply turns his head in a new direction, ostensibly to show off his head. • Also, his walk is literally a swagger. • Either in this scene or during “Natasha and Anatole”, he caught a lady unaware and kissed her on the cheek. She jumped so badly, lolololol.

“Natasha and Anatole”

• During the intro of the song, Anatole checks himself out in a mirror before posing himself perfectly for the moment Natasha turns around to see him. • Also, let’s talk about Lucas Steele for a hot minute. He is Anatole Kuragin, from his almost exotic voice to the way he walks. Out of the cast, I’d say that Steele is the one who plays the crowd the best. • Throughout this number, Anatole and Natasha play the roles of pursuer and the pursued. Natasha tries so hard not to be wrapped under his spell. :( • When he takes the flower off her head, Natasha makes a perfect :O face. I love Denée Benton. • “And kiss me on the neck.” He does manage to get this kiss, and it’s really rough-looking. • “How do you like Moscow?” Lolololololololol. • For the most part, the two are roving around the stage (mostly bc Natasha is running away from Anatole), but at the end, they sit down next to each other, and it’s played as a really significant moment.

“The Duel”

• “The Duel” is epic live. Holy freakin’ crap. • The moment Dolokhov, Pierre, and Anatole clink their glasses together, the strobe lights come on and the real party begins. There’s intensely sexual dancing, half-naked people, and glow sticks everywhere. • Y'all, I saw Marya D., in a skin tight, black costume no less, whip several people with a riding crop with my own two eyes. • Also, in the very back of the rear mezz, there was, like, a threesome going on. • The energy during this song was absolutely nuts. • Sonya’s party outfit is so cute. It’s an almost innocent looking dress, and she’s wearing bright sunglasses. • The ensemble echoing back “corpulence” is really frickin’ funny. • Nick Choksi really highlights the psychopathic part of Dolokhov, especially in the “Here’s to the health of married women” sequence. His movements are jubilant but also shark-like. He and Hélène make out for a loooooong time.

“Dust and Ashes”

• Oak’s “Dust and Ashes” is an absolute privilege to hear, and if you have the chance, I would go and listen to it while you can. His voice could have shaken the entire foundation of the theater. • While he’s singing, the entire cast lines up in the rear mezz to provide backup vocals, and it’s incredibly poignant. (Also, tho, Lucas Steele stood in front of me, and I died.) • “Don’t let me die while I’m like this…” During these lines, Oak starts crying, and it guts you. • There was a two minute applause for “Dust and Ashes”, and I was on the verge of crying just bc he was getting such a huge applause. • Oak is perfect, okay?

“Sunday Morning” / “Charming”

• “Everyone sees a man!” Ingrid delivers this line so well. It got a huge laugh. • AHHHHHHHHH, now here’s a symbolic moment for you. When Natasha says that she can see a shape in the darkness as she’s looking into the mirror, Pierre is standing up right behind her. Pierre is her future. • (The moment Nat leaves, he sits back down.) • Amber Gray can slay me, tbh. “Charming” is everything I could have ever asked for. • When she walks in, the lights are bright behind her, and her hood is over her head, effectively masking her identity. It’s a really neat moment. • The lights dim when she takes off her hood. • Natasha is in her undergarments throughout the song until Hélène gives her her cloak. (Btw, Natasha looks gr8 in said cloak.) • At some point, Natasha starts mimicking Hélène’s movements, and it’s adorable but also a really nice character touch. Same goes for Hélène snatching Andrey’s necklace off of Nat’s neck and exchanging it for her own pearls.

“The Ball”

• This number was enchanting. I had a hard time focusing on the main stage bc the dancers in the rear mezz. were so mesmerizing in their movements. • Also, tho, the ensemble dancers mimicked what Anatole and Natasha were dancing at times. • When Natasha tries to run away from Anatole, he pursues her up the steps and forces their first kisses. She’s surprised at first, but gives into it with abandon a few seconds later. The kiss lasts a very long time. • At the end of “The Ball”, Natasha and Anatole run through the doors together and then turn to face the audience. They’re holding hands. The lights are bright behind them.

“Letters”

• “Letters” is such a frickin’ jam, y'all. • When it starts, the cast members spill out of the double doors singing. • At the beginning of “Letters”, just as Pierre is addressing Andrey, Andrey appears at the top of the stairs. Pierre faces him. • “I see nothing but the candles in the mirror.” For one of the very few times in the play, Natasha and Pierre face each other. • The geometric symmetry in the choreography is really wonderful all around. For instance, at one point, Mary, Natasha, and Pierre are all positioned in a triangle, taking turns facing one another. • Anatole’s love letter was an absolute showstopper. People were whistling, clapping, and screaming when he started holding those really long notes. Holy crap @ Lucas Steele!!!!!

“Sonya and Natasha” / “Sonya Alone”

• “Sonya and Natasha” is intense. I was on the edge of my seat for their fighting. • “I’m soooooooooooooo happy, and sooooooooooo frightened.” Kill it, Denée!!!! (When she’s singing about her happiness, her arms are extended widely, and when she’s singing about being frightened, she withdraws into herself.) • “I have no will. My life is his.” During these lines, Natasha is wrapped around an increasingly agonized Sonya. • “Sonya Alone” is one of the most powerful numbers in the show, and you really don’t recognize it until you see it live. • The theater is almost completely dark with the exception of a spotlight on Sonya. Throughout the entirety of the song, Natasha is ambling about, tightly clutching Anatole’s letter. • Sonya never takes her eyes off of Natasha, and your heart can’t help but ache for both of them. • Ingrid Michaelson is truly a wonderful Sonya—maybe not as sure as Brittain but she definitely doesn’t lack heart. • On the first “I will protect your name and your heart”, Natasha stumbles on a stair, staggered by the weight of her friend’s words. Then, she walks to the opposite side of the stage, only to be completely stopped by Sonya’s, “I know you’ve forgotten me.” • For the rest of the song, Natasha is still, her head inclined towards Sonya.

“Preparations” / “Balaga”

• When Pierre greets Anatole at the beginning of this number, it’s almost as though he’s caught Anatole out. Anatole had been trying to sneak past unnoticed. • Anatole shaves in front of a mirror during “Preparations”, lol. At one point, he turns to the crowd with shaving cream still on his face. • Dolokhov sings his arguments at Anatole very fiercely during this song, even more so than he does in the recording. • I looooooooooooove “Balaga”. It’s such a wild performance. Paul Pinto moves with such agility and manic energy. The ensemble hands out the egg shakers during this one.

“The Abduction”

• “THE ABDUCTION” IS SO GOOOD. HOLY CRAPPP. • Anatole singing “WHOOOOA” while swinging his green jacket cleared my skin, watered my crops, and cured my depression. • The whole theater is absolutely alive with commotion. There’s a dance off between a guy in the rear mezz and a guy on stage that’s frickin’ amazing. • People are doing backflips. • Natasha smashes a painting on Balaga’s head. • Marya and Hélène are making out. • Pierre is doing a cute jig. • It’s beautiful, beautiful chaos. • When Pierre screams his “WHOA” part, everyone collapses on the floor, absolutely exhausted, and then, then, the most wonderful thing happens. • Pierre giggles. • “Hee-hee-hee.” • God, I love Oak. • “Wait, wait. First we have to sit down.” Anatole made room for himself next to a girl, which was hecking funny, but what was even funnier was that the girl leaned her head on Anatole’s shoulder. The whole theater dissolved in laughter. Anatole held the quiet for a comedically long period before getting up, and when he did, he kissed the girl on the cheek. It was really cute. • When Marya entered at the end of the song, surrounded by this harsh, red light, there were audible gasps in the audience. People weren’t expecting her, lol.

“In My House”

• GRACE MCLEAN DESERVED A TONY NOMINATION: PART TWO. • She acted her butt out through this entire song. I’m serious. • Her voice is dangerously quiet until, “YOU LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SPEAK TO YOU. YOU LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SPEAK TO YOU.” • The tension in the room was palpable. • Also, all of the yelling you hear on the recording? It’s so much more intense live. It’s fierce enough to make you flinch. • “Don’t touch me!” At one point when Natasha screamed this, she physically pushed Marya away, and Marya wasn’t angry so much as she was stunned. • “Natasha’s whole body shook with noiseless, convulsive sobs.” She was literally bent over, grasping the railing like she couldn’t breathe. • “And she threw herself down on the sofa.” Natasha stands erect with her arms crossed and her head buried in them. The spotlights focus on her, and that’s when Marya softens. • You can see the fight leave Grace McLean’s body. Her voice is incredibly tender.

“A Call to Pierre” / “Find Anatole”

• GRACE MCLEAN DESERVED A TONY NOMINATION: PART THREE. • Her face is absolutely devastated as she’s talking to Pierre. Like, I still have chills thinking about it. • Also, Pierre is waking up from a nap at the beginning of this number, lol. • “I have been… studying.” He glances quickly at the place he had been napping. • The sheer power in Oak’s voice really comes out in these next songs. Anger and fear simmers behind the way he sings. A+++ • At the beginning of “Find Anatole”, he truly sounds out of breath. His body is fully bent over for a couple of seconds. • “He can’t be married!” The absolute horror in Denée’s voice nearly slaughters you, tbh. • When Pierre discovers Anatole and Hélène and gets mad, they start to run away. • Pierre is livid when he finds Anatole and Hélène. I mean, livid.

“Pierre and Anatole” / “Natasha Very Ill”

• Pierre nearly throttling Anatole is a sight™. • “Amuse yourself with women like my wife!” The spotlight shines on Hélène as she stands up and bristles indignantly. What an amazing character touch. • During that long pause before Pierre apologizes to Anatole, Natasha walks right between the two and drinks the arsenic. A few moments later, it begins taking effect, and she starts screaming. It’s a terrible, convincing sound. She runs off stage. Marya and Sonya follow her. • “FOR PETERSBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURG!” :’))) • There was a pause between “Pierre and Anatole” and “Natasha Very Ill” while we all wildly applauded that C#. Holy crap @ Lucas Steele!!!!!!!!!!!! • “Natasha Very Ill” is sad. Everyone is devastated, especially Sonya and Marya.

“Pierre and Andrey”

• Ken Clark is an amazing Andrey. He has a v. human approach to the prince. • When Pierre and Andrey are trading insults, there’s a lot of affection between them. It’s really as though the two haven’t seen each other in quite awhile. • Andrey’s somewhat tender tone continues until he asks Pierre to confirm whether the rumors he had heard were true, and when Pierre replies in the affirmative, that is the very moment when Andrey assumes his colder exterior. • It frickin’ breaks your heart. • #PoorAndrey • “If you wish to be my friend, never speak of that again.” During “If you wish to be my friend,” Andrey’s voice breaks seemingly on the edge of tears, and then it hardens at the end as he jabs a finger in Pierre’s chest. The moment he does so, though, he immediately looks horrified. Did I really just threaten my friend? • “Well, goodbye” is soft. • #PoorAndrey • CRAP. I FORGOT THE WORST PART OF THIS SONG. Behind Andrey and Pierre, Natasha and Sonya are standing in a darkened corner. Whenever Andrey refers to Natasha, she flinches and buries herself into Sonya. • :(

“Pierre and Natasha” / “The Great Comet of 1812”

• “Pierre and Natasha” broke me. • At the beginning of the song, Natasha slowly makes her way down the staircase, entirely dependent on the railing to get down. It tears at your heart. You can’t help but remember how lovely and vibrant she had been at the beginning of the play. • The nightgown she’s in makes her look so small, and with her braided hair, she looks just like a little girl. • Oak emotes his lyrics so tenderly, so gently in this one. His voice is always on the verge of breaking. • “She began to cry…” Yeah, no. She sobbed, and you sobbed with her. Her whole body was shaking. She had to hold on to the rail. • An interesting tidbit: Hélène is sitting right behind Natasha, and she has her head in her hands like she’s reacting to the sadness of this scene, too. • “All over…” At this point, Natasha is walking back up the staircase, and the theater is absolutely silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Oak says the written line to her back. • I’ll never forget the way Oak delivered it, and I will never want to either. • His voice simply broke on “if I were free”. • Pierre turns away from her, and then she turns towards him, slowly making her way back to him. • During her last lines, Natasha touches his cheek, and it is sincerely one of the most beautiful moments of this very beautiful play. • “The Great Comet of 1812” was moving, too. • The theater very much looked like a beautiful night sky. The comet prop was stunning, too. • Pierre sat down at the end of the song and gazed reverentially up at the comet.

This play was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life, and I recommend it with all of my heart and soul. Please, please support it if you can.

#natasha pierre and the great comet of 1812 #npatgco1812 #the great comet #reginianwrites #p: natasha pierre and the great comet of 1812

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dusty-cookie · 7 years

Text

Through The Valley - Chapter 16

AO3 Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10075958/chapters/28547156

Tags: @luke-vaughn @embracetheapocalypsewithme @kinkozan @lupienne @theblack-wolf @lovingzombiechaos @jmackie1983 @dragonracer @miiraal

Pairing: Negan X OFC

Chapter Summary: Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better

Chapter Warnings: Angst, Gore, Violence, Mention of rape

Word Count: 3983

A/N: I’m terribly sorry that it took me so long to update. Real life got in the way and I am all the more grateful for your continuous support and for every kind word you lovely people have sent my way.

Negan didn’t know where he was going until he saw light coming from the infirmary. He burst into the room where Fisher was leaning over the stretcher, working on the body in front of him.

The doctor stepped to the side and Negan nearly screamed.

If Carson hadn’t told him that it was Lilly who had been brought in, he wouldn’t have recognized her. She might as well have been a biter. She wore only a thin t-shirt and panties. Both must have been some shade of gray at some point, but were now stained dark red. At least where they weren’t ripped. Her legs were either covered in blood, or in blue-ish green bruises.

The worst was her face, though. The entire right side seemed mutilated. Her eye was swollen shut, her upper lip bleeding, adding to the blood coming from a cut over her brow. The way her hair was plastered to her skull, wet and shiny, told him that she had at least one more head injury.

Lilly seemed disoriented and had obvious difficulties speaking. That didn’t keep her from trying to shove Fisher off her, though.

“Go away! I’m fine,” she mumbled through clenched teeth, her right hand flopping around aimlessly in an attempt to shoo the doctor away. Fisher ignored her and kept prodding and poking, taking advantage of her weakened state and remaining exceptionally calm during his examination.

Despite the lack of panic in the infirmary, Negan felt the cold claws of fear creeping up and down his spine. He still stood in the doorway, jaw hanging open, hands gripping the door frame, eyes frantically scanning the stretcher and the area around it. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t even know where to start.

“Boss…?”

Negan spun around. Carson and Andrei stood in the hallway, the former looking at him expectantly, awaiting orders, the latter tired and fearful.

“What the fuck happened? Who did this?” Negan had meant to shout, but all that came out of him was something between a whisper and a growl.

Andrei ran a hand over his face and sighed. “I don’t know any specifics, man. I got to the outpost real late. Look, I know we’re not supposed to be out there after dark, but…” Negan waved a hand at him impatiently to show that he didn’t give a fuck right now. “Anyway… I got there late and everyone was already asleep, but Carson had told me that you want me to look after her, so I went to her room and she wasn’t there. I went looking for her and heard noises coming from the basement and that’s where I found those two degenerates all over her.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know Negan. I shot them, grabbed her and got the fuck outta there. Took a car, too. Couldn’t bring her here on my bike. It’s still at the outpost. I’ll bring the car back tomorrow and go get my bike. Shit, man, I thought she’d die on me on the way here. Thought she was bleeding out or something. I’m sorry about those guys, boss, I didn’t know what else to do. She was kicking and screaming and they were punching her. I just pulled the trigger, I didn’t…”

“Stop it,” Negan interrupted Andrei’s ramblings, “You did the right thing. Did me a big fucking favor, too. Otherwise I would have had to drive all the way back there and fuck those fuckers up myself.” He turned back towards the door and watched with furrowed brows as Fisher set up an IV.

“Sir?” Carson piped up behind him. “Do you want me to wake up Jax?”

Negan hoped that Jax would wait with killing him until they knew if Lilly would live.

“Yeah… yeah. Go get him. Laura, too.”

He listened to Carson’s receding steps as he ran down the hallway and tried to focus on the situation in front of him again. His mind seemed to slip away whenever his gaze came to rest on the bloody figure on the bed. He vaguely registered Andrei talking about a delay at the western outpost and how he was sorry that he hadn’t been at the northern one in time to prevent this mess.

Fisher cleared his throat, trying to gain Negan’s attention. He looked up at him, hoping for the doctor’s sake that he had good news. Negan didn’t know what he would do if he got told that Lilly didn’t have long. He couldn’t take out his rage and guilt on the actual culprits and he couldn’t guarantee not to shift the blame elsewhere.

“She’s asleep now. I gave her a hefty dose of morphine.”

Negan stepped into the infirmary, his eyes back on Lilly’s now still form. Fisher had covered her with one of the coarse gray blankets they kept for newcomers who couldn’t afford better sleeping arrangements. Negan made a mental note to get her something more comfortable. Standing in front of the stretcher and with her eyes closed and her face still, he could now see the true extent of her injuries. Bruises started to bloom underneath the crusted blood. Negan felt the overwhelming urge to punch someone. Instead, he lightly grasped her hand sticking out from under the blanket.

He wanted to ask Fisher how she was doing, but the sound of thundering footsteps running up the hallway announced Jax’s arrival. He and Andrei entered the room together with Andrei recounting what he had already told Negan. Where Negan had gotten quiet and withdrawn at the sight of a bruised and battered Lilly, Jax seemed to switch into let’s-get-busy mode, after drawing in a sharp breath at the first sight of her. He couldn’t quite hide the look of horror at the sight of her injuries, though.

“Okay, so they’re dead, right? What now? Fisher, how is she?” Jax turned his attention to the doctor, conveniently ignoring the elephant in the room that was the entirety of Negan’s presence. Fisher had positioned his chair at Lilly’s head and was busy using a thread and needle on her.

“Well…” Fisher sighed. “She got beaten up pretty bad. I’m gonna put stitches on those wounds over her eye and on the back of her head. She’s got at least one broken rib and a broken nose, maybe her jaw, too. The thing is… there could be internal bleeding. Her blood pressure is okay for now, but I can’t be absolutely sure without an ultrasound. I’ll just have to monitor her for now.”

Jax looked stricken at the news and Negan knew that he probably mirrored his expression, but any further enquiries were delayed by Laura bursting into the room and subsequently into tears when she caught sight of her friend lying on the stretcher. Seth and Connor were right behind her and the room was now packed with people.

“Oh God! Lilly! What happened?”

Another round of people explaining what had happened and Negan’s mind started to wander again. She would need a blanket and pillow, water to wash off the blood, fresh clothes and then soft food. He’d have to talk meds and equipment with Fisher and then maybe organize a run to get everything Lilly needed to get better.

He became aware of the fact that he was still holding her hand, lightly stroking her fingers, when he heard the word “rape” coming from Jax and his attention was catapulted back to the here and now, feeling as if all air had left his lungs.

“What did you say?” Negan focused on Jax standing on the opposite side of the bed.

“I asked Andrei what exactly they did to her. Lil told me about the lewd comments and I’ve warned you that those assholes had it in for her.” Jax’s look was one of pure blame, before he turned to Andrei again.

“I don’t know, man. Everything happened so fast. But I didn’t catch them with their dicks out and their pants around their ankles, if that’s what you mean.”

“She only mentioned the beatings,” Fisher added, “She couldn’t tell me much, obviously, but she didn’t say anything about sexual assault. I’m reluctant to examine her without her consent. I’d recommend to wait until she gets better and then talk to her.”

Negan was a second away from giving the order to burn down the entire outpost when Lilly moaned something unintelligible, twisted her head and brushed her finger over Negan’s hand.

“Is there anything we can do for her?” Laura asked from the foot of the bed. She wasn’t crying anymore, but Seth still held her by her shoulders as if she was close to having a breakdown.

“Not really. She needs rest and observation. I’ll stay with her and you can all go back and try to get some sleep,” Fisher offered, packing away the suture tools.

“No.” Negan had finally found his voice again, despite it sounding foreign in his ears. “She hates sleeping in a room with people she doesn’t know well. I’ll stay with her. Anything happens, I’ll come get you, Fisher. The rest of you, go back to sleep.”

Laura looked like she wanted to protest, but Seth gently steered her towards the door, whispering reassuring words to her. Connor followed with Andrei and Fisher knew better than to question his leader’s orders, after his fuck-up with the Hilltop.

Only Jax didn’t move a muscle, staring intently at Negan.

“I know I fucked up. I’m man enough to admit it. But she needs us now, so do me a fucking favor and save it for when she’s better. I won’t leave, Jax, no fucking way.”

“I wasn’t suggesting you leave. Watching over her is the least you can do.”

Negan felt relieved. There was no way he would let Lilly out of his sight, but fighting with her best friend about it was something he would gratefully avoid. He let go of her hand for a moment to get a chair from the corner and positioned it right next to her bed. With a sigh, he carefully sat down. His experience with flimsy hospital chairs told him not to move too much in his seat. “Well, plant your ass in the other chair, or get back to your room, I don’t give a shit.”

Jax seemed reluctant and watched as Negan took Lilly’s hand back in his, before looking towards the door. Connor was probably waiting for him, but Negan was too tired and fresh out of fucks to give to even turn around and acknowledge him.

“I’ll try to get a couple more hours of sleep. To be honest, it’s hard to see her this way, but I’ll come back first thing in the morning to relieve you.” Negan almost scoffed and thought that Jax could try, but he was determined to not leave her side. “Listen, Negan…”

“I told you not to start fucking bitching at me tonight, Jax.”

“I wasn’t. Listen…” Jax leaned over Lilly’s sleeping form and lowered his voice. “Fisher said that we would have to wait until morning. That he can’t tell how bad she’s injured with the equipment he has and that she might have internal bleeding. You know what that means, right?” Negan nodded, not taking his eyes off her face. “Lilly and I have a pact. Made it a long time ago. That if possible, we’d try everything we can to not let the other turn. If you want to stay here, you have to promise me to do it. I know she’s tough. I know she can make it through this shit. But if something happens… You have to swear that you will end it before she comes back as one of those things.”

Negan looked up at the other man. Jax’s eyes were fearful and desperate, exactly the way Negan felt.

“I promise.”

Negan heard the door shut behind him and the Sanctuary plunged into silence again. It felt weird to know that all those people around him were sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware that the woman he cared so much for was possibly fighting for her life.

He stood up again and walked over to the counter and cabinets, opening and closing drawers until he found a scalpel with a blade that was hopefully long enough to reach the brain when stuck through the eye. His expression grim, he sat back down on the rickety old chair and carefully placed the scalpel under his seat, before taking Lilly’s hand again. The movement was a familiar one, more comforting for him than for the person lying in the hospital bed.

His other hand ran through his hair and the sigh that followed almost turned into a sob.

“I’m sorry. I’m so goddamn fucking sorry, Lil. This is just one of about a thousand different reasons why you have to wake the fuck up and get better… that you are going to have the fucking privilege of kicking my stupid ass all the way to Michigan for being the world’s biggest idiot.

“I could go look for your family while I’m there. You never told me why you never went looking for them. Though it was probably because of the distance. And the odds of finding them, and finding them alive, are pretty fucking slim. Yeah… would have been stupid to try to go there. And you’re far from fucking stupid. Unlike me.

“Listen to me fucking rambling. I do that when I’m nervous. But you already know that, don’t you? You could see through my bullshit from day fucking one. Just… just don’t let this be the last day, okay?”

He couldn’t stop looking at her face. He felt that if he stopped talking, he would break down completely, so he just kept going.

“Jax and Laura wanted to rip me a new one just now. Pretty sure they’re far from done. Maybe you can put a leash on them once you get better. Or not. I mean, I know I fucked up. I tend to do that with the women I love. And then they end up in a fucking hospital bed.”

A chuckle rose in his throat, rendered hoarse by the occasional tear spilling from his eyes.

“There you fucking go. I can finally admit my fucking feelings and you’re not even awake to hear it. See? Another reason you have to get better. I’ll tell you everything when you wake up. About the wives, too. I mean, I don’t expect everything to be fucking perfect and for us to live happily ever after or some shit. But living would be nice, for a start. And then we’ll work on the happy part.”

Negan took a shaky breath and watched Lilly’s face. Her brows were furrowed. He hoped that she didn’t feel too much pain. Lifting her hand, he brought it to his lips, brushing them over her knuckles. He closed his eyes for a moment. The whole weight of tonight’s events started to bare down on him and he felt ten years older, hungover and tired.

“I promise, I’ll try not to fuck it up this time, Lilly. I won’t make the same mistakes I made with Lucille. You’ll see. Just get better, okay?”

His eyes grew heavy and he felt himself dozing off every few minutes, waking up with a start any time Lilly moved or made a noise in her sleep. He had promised to take care of her if the worst happened, but would he have the guts to do it this time?

“You better not die on me, Lil,” he mumbled as his head sunk down on the mattress next to her thigh.

He woke up again to someone nudging his shoulder and he groggily sat up and turned around to find Jax standing next to him. Outside, the sun made a feeble attempt to rise out of the gray and rainy clouds. Fisher was up and present, too, already working on Lilly, who he could now see had her eyes slightly open. She looked weak, but alive.

Negan rubbed over the stubble on his cheeks, fighting the urge to lie back down and get back to sleep.

“Her vitals look good,” Fisher said after removing the stethoscope from his ears and the blood pressure cuff from her arms, “I’m going to give her more pain meds. It’s all we can do, really, at the moment. If some cuts and broken ribs are all she got, she just needs to rest for a couple of days. ”

“You mean aside from the emotional fucking trauma she’ll probably have from getting the shit beaten out of her?” Negan snarled.

“Shhh, hey! Calm down!” Jax said in a low voice, “We’re gonna deal with that when we have to. For now, Fisher is right. She needs rest. And you, too.” he motioned to Negan.

“I just took a fucking nap when I shouldn’t have.”

“And I bet that was really comfortable and refreshing. Come on, I told you I would take over. Looks like she’s fine for now and you won’t be of use to anyone walking around like a biter. Go get some more sleep.”

Negan didn’t want to. The thought of leaving Lilly, even with Jax and Fisher staying, filled him with dread. But Jax was right. He still had a community to run, even if all he wanted to do right now was stay with Lilly until she could be by his side again.

He reluctantly got up and told Jax to get him if there was any change in her. Jax seemed much less hostile this morning and even thanked him for watching over her.

After checking one last time with Fisher that Lilly was stable and seeing her asleep again, he made his way to Carson first. Negan gave him instructions about running the Sanctuary in his absence and placed an order for blankets, clothes and warm water with his assistant and told him to make sure the infirmary wouldn’t be swarmed with concerned Saviors come breakfast. The lieutenants, Jax and Andrei were allowed inside her room. No one else. No exceptions.

While he climbed the stairs up to the Penthouse, he heard the Sanctuary come to life below him. People making their way to the cafeteria or the showers and he shut them all out by closing the door to his room. The busy murmur downstairs, while still audible, was now drowned by the heavy rain that had set in over the course of the morning.

Convinced that he wouldn’t be able to sleep for even a minute, he still took a quick trip to the bathroom and then settled down on his bed, fully clothed and over the covers. Apparently, Lilly’s improved health had been enough to relax him a little, since it didn’t even take two minutes for him to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

When he woke up again, the light outside told him that it had to be afternoon already and a quick glance to the clock over his fireplace confirmed it. He had slept for six hours straight and he felt refreshed, grateful, anxious and furious, all at the same time. Negan tried to convince himself that if something had happened in his absence, someone would have come to get him..

He still felt nervous when he made his way back downstairs to the infirmary, stubbornly ignoring the rumbling coming from his stomach. He needed to check on Lilly first, before he could sit down in peace for a meal. Maybe he could have a late lunch in the infirmary, preferably with her awake and trying to have a bite, too.

When he turned around the corner into the hallway where the infirmary was located, he could hear low voices coming from the room. One of them was clearly Lilly’s. His heart grew three sizes. If she already felt well enough to have a conversation, then she would surely be okay, right?

Feeling much more optimistic at the thought of having lunch with a conscious and talking Lilly, Negan peered into the room. She was still lying on the stretcher, but covered in a soft and warm blanket now and wearing fresh clothes. What he could see of her face, neck and hands was clean, albeit still shockingly bruised and, in the case of her eye and lips, swollen and sporting grisly wounds. Negan grimaced at the sight of her injuries, which stood out more prominently, without the blood and grime hiding them. Jax and Laura were sitting on either side of her, listening to her talking, all three smiling slightly at whatever the topic of their conversation was.

Negan put on a grin and stepped into the infirmary. “Well, someone looks about a thousand fucking times better than last night. You nearly gave us all a collective heart attack.”

The atmosphere in the room changed immediately. Lilly, Jax and Laura turned silent and their faces fell, each of them avoiding his gaze. After a couple of awkward moments, Jax got up and cleared his throat. “We, uhm… we’re going to give you guys a minute or two. We’ll be back later with more food, Lil.” Lilly looked like she wanted to protest, but Jax turned to Laura and motioned for her to come with him. Laura followed him out of the infirmary, but not without shooting a glare at Negan that was clearly meant to try to make him drop dead.

Negan took Jax’s place at the side of her bed, still keeping his grin firmly in place and pointing a thumb behind him. “What’s up with those two? Looked like they have to pee real urgent.” His attempt at humor didn’t seem to go over well. Lilly merely regarded him out of her healthy eye, her expression rendered nearly unreadable by her injuries. “What? Did the same cat get your tongue, too? Because I just saw you talking a second ago.”

Lilly averted her eyes, her face now unmistakingly grim. “What do you want me to say, Negan?” she finally said. Her voice was thin and her speech a little slurred.

“How about you start with how you feel, work your way up to what Fisher said and end somewhere along ‘It’s good to be home’?” Negan tried to make eye contact with her again, but she kept staring out of the window. He thought that maybe she tried to come up with some witty answers to his questions, until he noticed the tears running down her cheeks. “Oh shit. Babe, are you okay? Do you need more pain meds? I can go get Fisher…”

“No, Negan. I don’t need more pain meds.”

“Well, what is it then? What do you need? I’ll get you any-fucking-thing, just say the word!”

She turned her head to look him straight in the eyes and his smile faltered at the intensity of her gaze.

“I need you to leave.”

“Wh-what?”

“I need you to go and leave me the hell alone.”

“Lilly, come on…”

“No.”

“Look, I’m sorry…”

“No! I don’t want to hear it. I begged you, Negan. I fucking begged you not to send me away. You knew Sherry and Amber planned all this. And you still sent me away.” Lilly strained to talk through the obvious pain and her tears still hadn’t stopped. Negan dropped his gaze. “No! Look at me, Negan!” He obeyed. “Look at my face! You did this. This is your fault.”

“I know. Believe me, I fucking know, Lilly.”

“I need you to leave. Now. And stay the fuck away from me.”

“Okay…,” he whispered before standing up and walking out of the room.

He wandered aimlessly through the Sanctuary. At first he felt completely numb, and then an increasing need for a bottle of Scotch.

He never heard the wrecking sobs coming from the infirmary.

#negan #comicnegan>#comic negan #negan fanfiction #negan fanfic #the walking dead fanfiction #twd fanfiction #negan x oc #negan x ofc #through the valley

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emjee · 7 years

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Natasha, Pierre, and My Soul Ascended To A Higher Level Of Existence Which Is Basically What The Whole Show Is About

I saw Great Comet last night (16 August) you guys and let me tell you, ALL MY DREAMS CAME TRUE.

There’s truly nothing that can replace the experience of having your butt in a seat and I am so, so grateful that I was able to go. I truly count it as a blessing.

SO! My best friend and I made a trip of it (we don’t live near NYC) and because we could only see the show once I did my research and sprang for second row of the front mezzanine, center. We could not have chosen better seats. I was on the center aisle right next to all those ensemble members and could probably have reached out and touched Scott Stangland and Paul Pinto at various points in the show.

Shoba was on for Natasha and I was so excited to see her because even though I LOVE Denée I do have access to her performance through boots and though it’s not the same as in person I had heard such great things about Shoba that I really wanted to see her and I did and she was perfect. There is so much of book!Natasha in her, my dear, dear girl and soul sister. I adored her.

Scott was on as Pierre and he was everything I could have wished for. His voice sounds rougher in recordings I’ve heard but was delightfully smooth last night in places where smoothness was called for but also got rough when it was necessary and he’s got a such a dark tone to his voice that was great and a wonderful contrast with all the lightness of Shoba’s.

Lucas Steele. Amber Gray. Grace McLean. Brittain Ashford. THEY WERE ALL RIGHT THERE. IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. QUEENS AND KINGS, ALL OF THEM. DEMIGODS AND GODDESSES.

Let’s play a little game called “How Many Times Did MG Cry?”

I walked into the theatre and saw the set.

It started with the blue light and “The moooooooon” in “No One Else” and continued through the whole song because I know exactly what that feels like, Natasha darling. And apparently so did the audience member Shoba made eye contact with because her eyes were so wide and she nodded.

“Dust and Ashes”. I mean. Fuck. Me. Up. That is perhaps my favorite musical theatre solo of all time and it’s just a brilliant song and Scott did it brilliantly. His delivery of “Did I squander my divinity?” had me WRECKED.

Literally everything from “In My House” to “The Great Comet of 1812” with special intensity in “Pierre & Natasha”. Scott’s three “stop”s were so gentle. Instead of it being harsher, like “stop, I can’t bear to hear you speak of yourself like this, you have to stop”, it was so tender, like “Natasha, darling, please, shhh, stop”. And when Shoba reached out to touch his face, he leaned back like he was startled, couldn’t believe it was happening, these things don’t happen to him, he almost couldn’t bear for her to touch him because he loves her so damn much.

Other things I noticed and loved:

Scott’s “raise the roof” motion on “I am enjoying myself at home this evening” was the best thing I’ve ever seen.

In “The Opera” when Natasha sings “Yes, Pierre that good man, a little sad, a little stout,” Marya shakes her head slightly and widens her eyes like “Natasha you can’t say things like that.”

I enjoy going to the opera in general but I can also tell you that the opera performance is 100% what zoning out at the opera is like. Suddenly nothing makes sense and everyone’s making weird noises. It was fantastic.

Our seats for Lucas’s first entrance were PERFECT. STRIKE A POSE, ya Russian playboy.

When Anatole tells Pierre he saw Natasha and Pierre says “Oh, dear Andrei’s betrothed” Anatole looks at the audience and does a hand gesture that translates to “eeeeeeeeh let’s see how long that lasts”.

Pierre’s little dance during the “gonna drink tonight” section is so adorable and so sad because he’s so excited but there’s no way this is gonna go well sweetie.

They were not fucking around with the announcement about the strobes. They were hard even for me and I’ve seen shows with strobes before, but I managed to keep my eyes open and it was fucking worth it. Anatole during the “Drink with me my love” section was A GIFT.

Also Grace McLean in that suit. She rolls up to Pierre and mouths “I love you” before stalking off with her whip.

During the preparations for the duel the ensemble member lounging on the stair next to me turns to the ensemble member seated up the staircase behind her and slurs “This seems familiar. It feels like we’ve done this before today already.” #twoshowday

When Anatole tells Pierre “Shake it off, and be happy, we live to love another day” he gives him a wink and does the finger guns thing and it’s like God Anatole YOU HAVE NO TACT.

The way Shoba delivers “I’ll shut myself in my room and try on new dresses” is like, yahs, girl, I know exactly what you mean and that is also how I cope.

Obligatory casual reminder that I would do anything for Natasha Rostova.

In “Charming” when Hélène sings “he was thinkin’ bout you, he kept sighin’ bout you” Natasha turns away from her and mouths “yes” and it was exactly like when your best friend tells you that they overheard your crush telling his friends you were cute and he wanted to ask you out my gosh it was so real

Honestly in general Shoba just gives off this sense of Natasha a young woman who’s trying to figure out what this love thing means because she definitely cares for Andrei but he’s gone and you get the sense that she’s young and she loves who’s in front of her (and that is so real for me) so she’s got a crush but then it’s like the first time someone has paid attention to her in an implicitly sexual fashion and it kind of makes her head explode. It’s a perfect (to me) interpretation.

Anatole’s “I am in love, dear, I am in love” gave me the sense that Anatole was saying that because he knew that’s what was going to get Natasha to take him seriously enough for him to get what he wanted. (I also think Anatole thought he loved Natasha. I don’t think he did, because he’s not looking out for her best interests and that’s a key part of love, but he thinks he does because he’s a shit with no emotional intelligence.) But in this case he’s wheedling, like, “look at me sweetheart look at me look at me I love you please look at me I love you.”

Anatole’s face when Natasha sang “I will love you Anatole” seemed less “oh shit what did I get myself into” and more “oooooookay yep I can roll with this very nice good job Kuragin.”

I got a letter! I caught Pearl Rhein’s eye as she was walking up the aisle and smiled at her and she smiled back and presented a letter with a flourish and Blaine was behind her and gave his letter to my best friend. (Blaine’s note said “If I flip a coin what are the chances that I’ll get head?” and Pearl’s note said “Your face glows as brightly as the comet itself” and this is the story of how I died I will treasure that note forever.)

Anatole rolls into “Preparations” with luggage! Like, he just strides in with a duffel bag, and the way he delivers “You’ll not be seeing me…for some time” and the look he gives the audience just screams “BECAUSE I’M GONNA GET LAID, BITCHES”. Also, both Lucas Steele and Nick Choksi swagger like they’re weightless and I adore it. I’m easily charmed by well-executed swagger. See above comments about how I get it, Natasha honey.

I am normally anti-singing at the theatre because other people did not come to hear me sing BUT the cast is so loud on the “Goodbye my gypsy lovers” chorus that I figured it wouldn’t bother other people and I know the cast likes to see when people know the show so I sang along and caught the eye of the accordion player walking up the aisle and sang right to him and he gave me an “awwwww yeah” face and it was the greatest moment.

After Pierre’s “WHOOOOOOOOOOA” the entire theatre erupted in applause while the cast collapsed on the floor and caught their breath. Scott was bent over gasping for breath, and when the applause died a bit and he looked up to start singing again he caught Lucas’s eye and just started giggling and it was the greatest, and then he sucked in another deep breath and dove straight into “Here’s to HAPPINESSFREEDOMANDLIFE.

When Lucas did “Shut the door! First we have to sit down!” he scooted into the end of a booth next to a young woman who looked at him, looked out at the rest of the audience, and fanned herself, like “oh my god he’s so hot”. Everyone laughed and the way Lucas said “Yes” sounded like he meant “Yes, that is true.” And then they ‘sup nodded at each other and Lucas reached his arm around her shoulders and relaxed into it and said “That’s the way,” and gave it another beat before “It’s a Russian custom.” And then held the silence for a solid thirty seconds before “alright.”

In “A Call to Pierre” during the ascending scale on the strings the lightbulbs light up a path from Marya D to where Pierre is sleeping at his desk. THIS LIGHTING DESIGN UGH I LOVE IT.

As mentioned above, “Pierre & Natasha” ended me.

I went to the stage door and got to meet Josh Canfield and Shoba and Scott and Grace and Brittain (sweet Brittain! I nodded to my best friend who was next to me and said I would stand in the dark for her any day and Brittain said “Everyone needs someone like that” god she’s so cute) and I got to thank Pearl for my letter in person and she thanked me for my glowing face and Nick Choksi came out and Nicholas Belton and other awesome badass ensemble members and everyone at the stage door was so respectful and it was wonderful. It was a bit of a bummer not to see Lucas or Amber (although I know Amber almost never stage doors because she has a tiny human to get back to at home) but I’m going to write so many letters tomorrow because it’s so important for me that this cast and team and family knows that they are loved and that people (me) traveled across a third of the country to come see them.

This show is SUCH an inspiration, not only to other theatre performers and designers of my acquaintance, but to people like me whose primary artistic expression is not theatre, however much I love it. I’m a writer and this show has reminded me that I get to do what I want and that beautiful, beautiful things often come from a melding of tradition and complete out-of-the-box fantastical thinking. It was an honor to be a part of that world last night.

#MG says stuff #NP1812 #Great Comet #Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812

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archive-03012022 · 7 years

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great comet 8/24/17 (matinee with dave malloy + blaine krauss u/s anatole)

ok so this is more for me to remember than for anyone else but here’s a song-by-song breakdown of great comet from when i saw it lol (lots about technical stuff)

i was in the top row of banquettes which is honestly the best place to sit in the entire theatre. we could see every part of the theatre (balcony and mezz included) without having to spin our heads around like owls and there was a+++ audience interaction (i’ll get to that later)

pre-show

ok so everyone literally burst out of the entrances randomly without any warning and just started talking to everyone it was great

a man with a sparkly mustache made sure we were all ok with strobe lights and if not to just deal with it and cover our eyes

i got a pierogi box thrown at my face. fun times.

theres an announcer guy that starts speaking in russian and english before just switching over to english

announcer: cameras? ensemble: NEIT!

my grandmother got super into this format and started shouting along #quality family bonding

prologue

dave malloy is a god end of story

but seriously the prologue is such a jam

before the song actually starts theres a super sad scene of natasha saying goodbye to andrey and she hands him his coat and letters and he gives her the locket (she has a hearbreaking “no!” as he starts leaving)

the lights go from basically pitch black to full blast at the line “anD THIS IS ALL IN YOUR PROGRAM”

denee benton is so beautiful

the ensemble was roaming around everywhere and came over to where we were a LOT

bolkonsky made his entrance right next to us after his costume change right before the minor characters line by screaming and jumping through a curtain with his guitar

the whole ensemble gathers on the platform by the doors for the beginning of pierre

pierre

dave malloy is a god end of story

while they’re all gathered watching pierre for the first bit of pierre, sonya is rubbing natasha’s back, reassuring and soothing her

i love the ensemble,,,,,, so much,,,,,,,,

helene conducts all the women dancing during “he is charming he has no sex”

the “good russian men” part singled out azudi and he looked so offended at pierre lol

all of the “ahhhh”s were magical

theres not much that hasn’t already been said about this song tbh?

oh and right after it’s over all the ensemble members drop out of their poses and deadpan, walking to the exits with bored expressions like “alright shows over, bye guys, our job is done”

moscow

marya? hates sonya so much?

but when they’re introducing each other natasha is super prim and proper and sonya does this awkward, lopsided bow with her little hand puff half hanging off brittain is such a dork im love her

natasha’s humming is so childish/naive i love it

“you’ll read to me while i K N I T”

marya casually roasting the audience? iconic

marya’s whole speech to natasha is honestly just great

mary walks between marya and natasha when she’s mentioned

private and intimate life of the house

draws

out

every

single

word

“people enjoy me though” got a really good laugh

gelsey bell? the godsent angel? yes, Her

B R I N G M E M Y S L I P P E R S (he finally started screaming it again)

“natasha is young and worthless and dumb” natasha literally looks so offended its great

mary picks a “suitor” from the audience and he was so confused

BOLKONSKY KISSED HIS “CHEAP FRENCH THING” ON THE LIPS FOR SUCH A LONG TIME AND HER DAUGHTER WAS LITERALLY DYING BEHIND HER

paul pinto’s servant character. that’s all.

marya plays the cowbell during the “where are my glasses” breakdown and generally looks disappointed in him the whole time

natasha and bolkonskys

there was a 12 year old boy who had no clue what was happening and kept getting in the way of them putting the stools down it was great

all of bolkonsky’s interjections are met with a really quick spot on him and idk it was just super funny to me (he also did this really weird/hilarious lip trill at the end of “i do not wish to see herrrrrRRRRR”

denee and gelseys harmonies

mary and natasha’s fake laughter

“says the mean old man in his underthings”

HOLY SHIT GUYS WAIT

WHEN MARY SAYS “AND HE LOOKED AT HER ONCE / HEAD TO TOE” BOLKONSKY MUTTERED “NOT IN MY HOUSE” AND I DIED

bolkonsky exits past marya who, once again, just sort of glared at him

no one else

the blue light change??

all of the light bulbs slowly start coming down and fading on to look like stars its gorgeous

at the “we were angels once, don’t you remember?” she said it right to this teenage girl at a table who literally grinned and turned away to be like “holy shit that just happened” it was really sweet

natasha is so innocent throughout the whole song its honestly so beautiful

andrey is shown in a blue spotlight with snow falling around him and he unwinds the red ribbon from her letters (and wraps it around his wrist like a bracelet for safe keeping) and starts reading them

when he leaves and runs into the darkness natasha steps into his spot under the snow and starts singing the “you and i”s after him

the opera

marya is such a godmother is so cute

sonya’s narration is gorgrous and i’ll never get over it

ensemble members twirl mirrors around natasha at the beginning

this song makes me think about how important it is for natasha to have people like her which makes the ending even more sad :(

helene’s entrance is honestly so her idek how else to explain it

pierre’s fist pump when he says “though i’m enjoying myself at home :D”

marya is super obvious about mentioning pierre to helene since she’s with dolokov

the curtain “rising” is shown by the lightbulbs going back into the ceiling

the opera is such a good satire

GELSEY’S GOT SOME PIPES

when the dancers are “dying” they’re making this really funny, drawn out sighing noises and its amazing

denee’s face was hilarious after the dance seen she was just like :o

anatoles entrance is so extra

with every little *bum* *bum* he moved his head in a different direction and the lights flashed

helene and anatole have this creepy little moment where they’re standing under a light bulb and anatole taps his cheek for her to kiss but turns his head so she kisses him on the lips and right as their lips touch the lightbulb goes out

the opera singers continue miming in the doorways of the balcony and it was really cool to see

the ensemble was in costumes on the stairs acting out the opera as well

not only was anatole constantly looking at natasha, so was helene,,,,,,,,,

natasha hallucinates andrey’s dead body being torn apart, holding out the ribbon that held her letters together towards her

natasha and anatole

anatole checks himself out in the mirror before entering the box (blaine was really funny in purposefully pulling down a single curl over his forhead for ~fashion~)

i feel like he sings deeper than anatole but its wayyyy smoother like damn

when he’s asking natasha to the costume tournament her little “oh (:? oh,,,, i (:” when shes feigning modesty gives me life

blaines voice holy s h i t

when he grabs her from behind its really sensual and denee moaned really loudly and i

have i mentioned i love blaine’s voice

when anatole steals her flower natasha looks so scandalized

at one point he smells it and seems so in love

helene is watching the whole thing go down (basically the whole time the two of them are “alone” together she’s watching them)

after chasing each other around the stage a bunch them sitting down next to each other was treated as a Big Moment

the duel

in between songs anatole walks to pierre’s study fist bumping and grabbing at his head like “YES! YES YES!”

at “oh dear andrey’s betrothed?” anatole did like this little so-so hand gesture that was hilarious

the strobe lighting was way more intense than i expected

i watched grace mclean grind on a riding crop and then put it between her teeth it was great

lowkey threesome up in the mezz/balcony

and the girls were essentially using the railings as stripper poles

during “just as a duck is made to swim in water, god has made me as i am” anatole moonwalks, does the chicken dance, and gets grinded on by two girls

there was just A Lot during the duel

but i was too focused on celia mae’s glow in the dark thong to notice most of it

“here’s to health of married women.... and their lovers ;D”

oh i just remembered there was girl passed out drunk over someone’s box and all the people sitting in it were howling with laughter

helene’s voice is cracking when she says “he will kill you stupid husband” and might i say,,,,,,,,,, character depth

paul pinto’s announcer voice for duel

helene screams when the gun is shot

when pierre holds out his arms to be shot but starts looking around in confusion omg

idk but i love “we live to love another day”

dust and ashes

dave’s version is honestly so gut-wrenching

i never noticed in the recording but the strings on this song are honestly so beautiful??

he acts the hell out of this song and its just so :(

during the “we are asleep until we fall in love” the ensemble lines up in the orch aisles and in front of the mezz all backlit and its just so haunting

as their “ah”s get more and more intense the lights don’t change at all and it just seems very church choir-y

sunday morning

sonya and natasha seem like they’re sneaking around in the beginning and its really cute

“everyone sees a man” is delivered so well, like she’s trying to reassure her

the whole time natasha is staring into the mirror pierre is standing right behind her looking at her through the mirror

marya still hates sonya

charming

helene enters through the double doors with her face covered by her cloak and its sort of a mystery who it is until she starts singing

natasha seems embarrassed at first (since shes basically in her underwear) but then starts fixing her garters and stuff almost like she’s trying to impress her

amber gray holy shit

since natasha is still in just her corset and garters helene gives her her cloak

“he was thinking about you, kept sighing about you” natasha literally lights up and puts her hand over her mouth and walks away like a middle schooler lol

when natasha gets her dress on first she runs around and twirls but then starts imitating helene but its still really childish

helene yanks andrey’s necklace off of natasha before giving her her own and keeping it for herself

in summary this song is Not Straight Whatsoever

the ball

all of the couples enter from the doors doing this weird little movement before going down the stairs

two girls danced in front of us together (edit: it was gelsey and katrina i only just remembered) and it made my day

all of the dancers (all through out the theatre, all the way into the balcony) are doing the same movements as anatole and natasha but since they’re in dark greens/black and anatole and natasha are in white it’s easy to not get distracting

blaine as anatole,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, yeah

the “i love another” seems a bit forced on natasha’s side like she’s just saying it out of habit rather than for real

helene is still watching them

the kiss

lasts

long

time

BUT

when you look away you see that everyone has wine glasses and are putting their fingers around the rim to make the little noise

helene has a lightbulb over her and a spot. she’s the last one to stop.

the way natasha’s little part after the kiss goes it makes her look like she’s going to choose andrey because she’s singing to the orchestra but turns to anatole to sing the “i will love youuuu” part

the ensemble is lined up on the staircase, “ahhh”ing and holding their glasses up to toast them

anatole and natasha run through the doors together

letters

the whole cast comes in through the double doors

my grandmother screamed “HEY HANDSOME” when blaine passed by wlfkjvbvjnrev

most of the cast had stuck their letters to audience members into their bras/shirts

andrey stands on the platform in front of the doors (the same place he enters pierre and andrey) and pierre speaks directly to him for his letter

at “it is NAPOLEON” the portrait of napoleon on the wall (which was right above my seat lol) lights up and pierre starts pointing the gun at him

anatole and andrey stand on walkways next to each other when natasha is writing her letter

pierre, natasha, and mary all stand in a circle around the study singing at each other and it looks really cool

ok so anatole’s love letter..............

dolokov was holding the letter

they actually made the woman passing the letter walk up on stage to pass it to natasha

blaines “just says yes”s were suuuuuuuuuuper stretched out but he was pressing his face in her chest, stomach, thighs and trailing his hand up her whole body and it was uhhhhhh way more sensual than how lucas steele plays anatole

sonya and natasha

sonya steals the letter from natasha while shes’s sleeping

their argument is honestly everything

“its seems to me i’ve loved him a hundred years............ :)” sonya is just like “what the fuck natalie”

“would you think so badly of me??” brings me back to how much natasha just wants to be loved and cared for

sonya and natasha yelling at each other is so heartbreaking

her letter to mary is all very final

sonya alone

the whole theatre is dark and theres a single lightbulb and spot on sonya as she sings

natasha makes her way up the stairs to the mezzanine (PASSES ANDREY WHO’S SITTING THERE WATCHING HER)

and wanders all the way across the mezz and back down the stairs on the other side

the whole time, sonya never takes her eyes off of her

i think we need to appreciate that in the realm of musical theatre, there are no other songs about just loving your friend? and wanting to help them?

“i know you’ve forgotten me” natasha is back in front of the stage left stairs, but a light bulb lights up over her and she stops, looking at sonya

“it’s all on me” kills me she’s so selfless shes sacrificing her friendship with her best friend just to save her and just kjvn;efvaer

preparations

pierre literally doesnt care about what anatole’s doing

theres a spot on sonya and natasha when they are mentioned

helene brings dolokov the tea

anatole shaves in front of a mirror

there was still shaving cream left on his face and dolokov had to wipe it off his face while they were arguing lol

the two of them were arguing really aggressively it was intense

i think helene was playing the drum during this whole part

balaga/the abduction

paul pinto deserved a tony

my grandmother stole egg shakers from the row in front of us

balaga runs up into the mezz and starts wreaking havoc it’s great

the musicians were all running all over the place saying hi to audience members and generally being great

anatole’s “woooooooooooo” and cape spin was a sight to behold tbh

blaine did a little “mm” noise when everyone went quiet after the big "WOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHHH”

his “gooooooooooooodbye” was so stretched out that the ensemble started swaying really slowly but then had to go the other way before starting again it was really funny

during the goodbye my gypsy lovers part marya slid on the end of the banquette seats i was in and i was freaking out so she blew me a fucking kiss and ran away

everyone dancing in a circle around the study

there was a little accordion-off

alex gibson came over and was like “WATCH ME! WATCH ME OVER HERE!” and had a dance off with a guy all the way up in the balcony

there were people dancing allllllllll over these platforms through out the theatre there was never a dull moment

alex gibson also started humping a drum next to us and banging it while he moaned

he was so into it that he didn’t realize he was blocking lauren zakrin from chucking pages of war and peace everywhere (which i caught out of the air which is pretty neat)

one of katrina’s braids was coming loose so she started helicopter-ing them in our faces

i saw helene and marya make out and it was great

all of it was so completely organized chaos that was so incredible watch i love rachel chavkin with all my heart

when anatole sat down on the banquette next to the girl he made her kiss him on the cheek and did the “stretching” to put an arm around her thing it was hilarious

the girl leaned her head on him and they just chilled out (they actually looked like a real couple tbh) for an awkwardly long time before they all ran up the stairs

marya’s entrance is just as incredible as you would imagine

anatole did like a little smile like “uhh, hi” and then sprinted down the stairs away

in my house

grace mclean deserved a nomination for best featured. seriously.

the maid servant tries to apologize to marya but she just points her back inside the doors

ok so grace kept it all super calm and contained until she exploded on natasha

she honestly plays this scene so well she’s ocnstantly jumping between concern, disappointment, and pure, unfiltered rage

natasha screaming is terrifying

when natasha “falls to the sofa” (she’s stand completely upright with her arms crossed) marya softens and becomes very calm again but when sonya tries to go to her she snaps again

natasha? still? thinks? anatoles? coming? :(

a call to pierre

the letter is followed by the light bulbs and lights under the mezz as it makes its way across the stage

paul pinto is the best

he stretches out the announcement

much

“........................................w h a t”

grace and dave have such good chemistry

the ensemble’s vocals make this scene so much more tense

“natasha and A N A T O L E K U R A G I N”

marya’s whole demeanor changes when she hears that he’s married

find anatole

pierre literally walks down to the study, back up, puts on a coat and is already wheezing its actually pretty funny

“the club” is just the ensemble along the stairs and mezz dimly lit and gathered in small groups pantomiming its really realistic

“he cant BE MARRIED!” is said in complete disbelief and heartbreak

helene sits with anatole’s head on her lap

on his way to the study anatole passes sonya who glares at him

and if looks could kill

pierre and anatole

blaine plays off anatole as faking his confidence from the very start of the scene thinking pierre will just let him off

pierre literally pins him down and almost bashes his head in with a paperweight

OH WAIT I JUST REMEMBERED

helen is watching the whole thing from the stage right staircase (she was right in front of me) as if she’s eavesdropping from the hallway or something

she flinches when pierre stars grabbing at anatole and reaches her hand out to help when he’s about to hurt him

the letters look almost exactly like the ones natasha gave to andrey #parallels

anatole sits at someone’s table pouting and covering his ears like a child throwing a tantrum

“amuse yourself with women like my wife” helene actually seemed a little surprised at pierre actually knowing about their relationship

it hit me during the show that the only reason that anatole is upset is because pierre is calling him names which is just so childish considering everything happening

natasha walks between them arguing and pours arsenic into her glass, chugging it and then lets out this guttural scream

she runs up and meets marya and sonya who rush her through a curtained exit

blaine can hit the petersburg note

natasha very ill

this song is honestly just so haunting

dolokov plays guitar in the double doors

the whole stage is dimly lit and its all very ominous

pierre and andrey

andrey enters through the same doors he left during the prologue and speaks to pierre on the opposite side of the stage before they meet in the middle platform

the “well, how are you?” seems a bit comical and sarcastic

i could write essays about how much “theres a war going on” does for the story at this point

andrey acts like he doesn’t really care about the whole ordeal and like he’s already trying to distance himself from it, almost laughing at himself

“i much regret her illness” is so cold and passive aggressive that it hurts

oh and if this scene didnt hurt enough, mary is watching the entire thing

after “dont every speak of this again” he shoves pierre. hard.

when he leaves, he passes mary who smiles and tries to hug him but he just puts his hand up and walks past her before taking his place in his father’s chair and folds in on himself

natasha and pierre

i’ve been classically conditioned to cry to these piano notes no joke

natasha comes down the stairs really slowly, relying heavily on the railing to help her

pierre tries to help but she brushes him off

she’s in a white, shapeless nightgown (she only wears white through the whole show), is barefoot, and has her hair in a braid and looks like a little girl

when she starts singing its very weak

ALL 👏 SHE 👏 WANTS 👏 IS 👏 LOVE 👏 AND 👏 TO 👏 BE 👏 FORGIVEN 👏

oh and all of the ensemble members since find anatole have taken places all over the theatre and are just. sitting. watching the ending of the show. i noticed mostly courtney basset sitting cross-legged on the walkway in the orchestra

when natasha begins to cry, its not crying. it’s loud, almost primal sobbing

pierre is just so tender towards her and :’)

when pierre tell her that she can talk to him they both look confused

right before the proposal natasha is making her way up the stairs and turns back around when pierre starts talking

dave’s delivery of the proposal is So Good

he choked on the “and for your love”

the mini pierre reprise is heartwrenching

natasha made her way really slowly back up to the doors, but seems hopeful

the great comet of 1812

ok so

the song is song in complete darkness, theres barely even a spotlight on pierre

veeeeeery slowly individual light bulbs start fading on but you cant see much

then the chandeliers start to slowly light up

but this is all super gradual and doesn’t really become notciable for a few minutes

hearing the ensemble coming in from all sides is gorgeous

then the comet prop above pierre’s study starts lowering (i think around the time its mentioned by name for the first time)

as most of the chandeliers are coming on, a tiny light on the bottom of the comet fades on and starts illuminating the larger comet

now the entire theatre is lit only by the lightbulbs, chandeliers, and the slwoly brightening comet. no table lamps, no stage lights, nothing.

as the final minute or so approaches all of the lights start to dim except for the comet until it’s the only thing remaining lit

and in 100% honesty every single one of the 1200 people in that theatre had their eyes fixed on it for the final moments of the show

then, as the song ends, the lights on the comet fade until only the tiny light on the bottom remains. pierre is collapsed in his chair looking up peacefully and the conductor raises his hands to praise it as it’s dimming until the theatre is in complete darkness

anyway this really wasnt for anyone else to read but if you made it this far? im sorry? this was a complete mess i’m still a wreck from this show

#great comet #mine

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