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just2bubbly · 3 years ago

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Perfect Now

Masterlist

TLC Ship Week 2021!

*written for tlcshipweek2021- kaider for prompt 'Song Day AU'

@kaiderforever

Summary:

He keeps the crown on her head making sure to not disturb her intricate yet beautiful braid.

"Now you, My Queen are perfectly ready!"

...

Last minute panicked thoughts can make a person desperate for escape, a mildly insecure Cinder looks for comfort in her boyfriend- one who is having a trip down his memory lane.

Ship: Kaider

Words: 2k

Genre: Hurt- Comfort, Trip down a memory lane

Prompt: 'Song Day AU'

Song: Perfect Now by Louis Tomlinson

*Post Winter

A/N: Some mild changes are made in the song lyrics to meet the Cinder's characters.

Bold Letters are Song Lyrics

Italics are memories

Plain words are present

Kai's Perspective:

You say to me your jeans don't fit You don't feel pretty and it's hard to miss

"Kai, I don't think this is a good idea- like I feel we should just stay inside..."

"Cinder, you do seem to realize that you are the one hosting the party?" he asked only to receive a nod for confirmation as she examined herself in the mirror.

"I don't think you can ditch your own party, one which has so many international leaders in it at least."

"Can't you just go and tell them I'm sick or something like that?" she lamented.

Now, this took him by surprise, Cinder had put hours and minutes to make the State Dinner cum Lunar Ball a success and seeing how she wanted to last-minute ditch it was strange.

"Hey, everything okay?" he questioned, standing behind her.

"Yeah," she said, offering him a short smile, "Just stressed out to back out last minute."

I wish that you could see my point of view As someone staring back at you

Nudging his head in the crook of her neck, he placed his lips at the base of the collar bone, "Don't worry, you would do good!"

"Easy for you to say- I'm panicking on the inside! This is my first time trying to act like royalty. I'm even wearing a pretty dress hosting a big parade of leaders like the Queen of Luna. I just don't want anyone to think I'm the incompetent Queen who has no idea of what ruling a country is- I really don't want to come out as a fool to anyone," she rambled.

"Cinder, look at me," he asked and stared into her eyes, "You will do fantastic and not come out as an ignorant ruler to anyone. I will be there to help you through it remember?"

"I don't think asking you how to use the cutlery at the dinner table is the best thing to do to make an impression," she sassed him.

"Now that depends on the person sitting near you- you won't want Queen Camilla seeing you be unroyal enough to not know how to hold your spoon now would you?" he retorted.

"Well, I'm worried about that too," she admitted, clearly going back to the same topic from which Kai was trying to drive her away.

Sighing he asked, "Is this because of what happened the day before yesterday?"

Reluctantly she nodded her head, her reflection seen in the mirror before them.

"C'mon no one cares even in the slightest if you hugged me before all the masses of people and journalists, I have heard we are quite trending in today's news-"

"Kai, you are not helping!"

"Maybe you could go for a kiss next time," he suggested.

"Ha, as if I would, after what happened?!" she exclaimed.

"Who cares about what Camilla and Andrea think anyways?"

Cinder had made a nice fuss in her own mind trying to regret her decision of bear-hugging Kai before everyone, which on his part he was delighted about. And maybe Queen Camilla and Prime Minister Andrea had been a bit too loud about speaking of Cinder's rash actions.

"Hmm.. yeah. Obviously, I do," she said, clearly not paying attention to her words.

"Did you sleep yesterday?" he asked.

"A little bit," she hesitantly admitted.

"How long?" he demanded.

"A few hours maybe-" he shot her a glare which did its work as she answered,"- two hours."

"Stars above, if not for this ball. I would have put you to bed."

"What's the hurry, Kai?" she asked, making the tips of his ears flush light pink.

"Okay- okay. I think you are fine now that you want to flirt with me!" he affirmed.

She smirked and moved around to face him, setting her hands on his shoulders and laughed, "Scared of me, are you, Emperor?"

He pulled her closer, holding her in a warm embrace and whispered, "Aren't you wickedly evil, Your Majesty?"

He leaned in closer, capturing her lips with his own, tasting the red lipstick she had put. Before they could initiate anything more intimate, there was a knock on the door followed by Iko's voice, "You two should really come out before someone makes the right assumptions about what you are doing in there!"

Now this made both of them flush with embarrassment as they gave flustered looks towards the door anticipating the arrival of Iko inside. She never came saving them both from a lot of discomforts.

"Well, I think we should get going?" he questioned.

"Yeah, I think I need a moment," she replied.

"Then I would-"

She cut off his words, asking," Would you please stay here?"

"Uh- Sure, Cinder," he replied.

"Thank You, Kai." She said looking relieved.

He decided to sit on the armchair till she picked herself up to look like a regal Queen. With silence for his only companion, his mind wandered around, thinking about the person standing a few feet away from him.

One Friday night when we're all out I turn to you and you're looking down And you don't wanna dance I know you love to dance You never stop given half the chance

"He looked at her only to find her avoiding his gaze. Staying back he asked, "Hey, what happened?"

"Uh- nothing!" she lied terribly.

"Cinder are you going to really make me believe that?"

"I don't know but just buy that lie," she pleaded.

"You don't want to get your hands dirty?"

"I don't feel like myself right now."

Surprised he incredulously asked, "You, a mechanic doesn't want to go under a podship and get your hands dirty?"

"No," she muttered.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"You just seem stranger than usual self."

"Trust me, Kai, I don't want to become dirty before my first diplomat meeting as the Queen while another mechanic is already present there," she insisted.

"Fine then.""

Just keep your head up, love, keep your head up Don't hide away, don't ever change

"Kai, do you think I should get a Garan's device too?"

"Well, I don't think you need to have that device. Like irrespective of what people tell you and what you try to convince yourself- you are a Lunar. The Lunar gift is surely fabulous- like don't get me wrong but you can feel someone's bio-electricity, it's sorta a blessing in disguise unless you decide to use it for the wrong purposes- I know you won't do that. Practically, I think it might help in Earth-Lunar political relations if you have the device but it does not really make much of a difference. Winter has it yet stupid leaders think she is manipulating them with her beauty. I think you should not install it- the gift is a part of you. Being Lunar- It is what you are! Don't change it because some angry citizen calls you a Lunar witch. You are what you are and I love you for that!"

"Kai if I would have been there I would have kissed you senseless!"

"Good, I don't deserve anything less after making such a sentimental speech," he said, smirking.

Keep your head up love, keep your head up Don't look away, don't look away 'Cause everybody's looking at you now My, oh, my

That time when she had addressed the issues on cyborgs and Lunar- discrimination on Earth. Her eyes were ablaze with passion as she happens to look determined to make a difference. To change the wrong-doings around her, to change the age-old prejudices in the society- to change the future of both her nation and her kind.

"-I believe that together we can make a difference. I hope the sufferings of people in the society decline and look forward to the situations changing for cyborgs, Lunars and Earthens. I look forward to a world where we can live together harmoniously. I consider that no one is liable for the nature of misery and treatment that my kind has suffered in the past. I trust we can change the world for every one of us- for the better of my kind."

Even when your tears are falling down Still somehow You're perfect now

""I'm so relieved that I can't cry right now."

"Cinder, I told you it would have been fine and I'm sorry... Besides I care- "

"Kai, they happen to call me names. I did not want to look like a sick crybaby before them who cried just because I was called an 'ugly Lunar slash Cyborg','" she fumed.

Seeing how she needed comfort more than ever, he hugged her, drawing circles on her back- trying to loosen the tension in her shoulders.

"Cinder, even if you were ugly crying right now, you would have been the most beautiful person in the world," he reassured, meaning them.

"You are perfect just the way you are!""

You never do but if you asked me to I'd tell the truth lying next to you 'Cause you're the only one When it's said and done You make me feel like being someone good to you

He wondered if he should tell her how beautiful she was. She was the perfect mixture of strength, compassion and determination. She never fetched compliments, never asked Kai how she looked, if she was pretty. That did not stop Kai from showering her with affections that she had been lost on in her early years.

Even at your worst You steal the scene and it's unrehearsed

"Queen Selene Channary Jannali Blackburn was sighted in the outer sector TC-6 helping a young man of 20 named, Mr. Stiton. He tells that he was facing difficulties when Her Majesty encountered him during her tour to sector LM-14. He states that she helped him fix one of the technical difficulties faced while flying a podship. Her Majesty previously had worked as a mechanic in the city of New Beijing. Sources tell she was the best in town."

Kai wondered who these so-called sources were. Somehow Cinder managed to excel at unexpected works- even when she was not trying, she had everyone's attention.

'Every insecurity as a neon sign as bright as day'

"Kai, I really think I should cover my hand! Just pass me the glo-"

"No! You are not wearing the gloves to cover your hand," he denied, making sure to keep the said pair of gloves away from his girlfriend.

"It's so different, not to mention with the hand being gloveless I feel naked, can't you please give me that glove, please," she begged, with a pout.

"Cinder, I said 'No'. There's no way I'm going to let you wear that. Stars- and Iko wanted you to flaunt your leg!" he exclaimed, dragging his girlfriend out.

How could a person as bold and determined and beautiful as Cinder, ever feel insecure?

If you knew what you were to me You would never try to hide away

Cinder, through her own eyes, was an unworthy soul but if she only knew what she meant to Kai- more than just a lover. Within just a year, she was his everything. She was the one- being with her made him whole, made him feel blissful and lively, like all of sudden his life had found its meaning. She was like the water in a desert, the fire in the cold, the chill in the heat. He would convey the depth of his feelings someday- not today. This was a conversation for another day.

I guess some queens don't need a crown And I know why

She looked too good, even powerful without the Lunar crown and Kai finally understood the meaning of, 'Some Queens don't need crowns.'

Still somehow You're perfect now

He keeps the crown on her head making sure to not disturb her intricate yet beautiful braid.

"Now you, My Queen are perfectly ready!"

A/N: Hurt-Comfort Trope or was that too much insecurity!? This I think is the last of my 'insecure' fics.

It was written for 'Song Day AU' using the song 'Perfect Now' by Louis Tomlinson (If you have not listened it by now you better do it right away!) Just Emperor Kai love in his girlfriend Queen Selene- not going to miss a chance to call her perfect now, is he?

I have short-listed too many songs for this prompt and I'm likely going to try to write for all of them.

Be sure to comment and vote.

I do take requests so if you want you can hit me up (I write for Kaider only.)

Taglist: @cinderswrench @gingerale2017 @linhcinder686 @shellyseashell @ladyvesuvia @shelbylmkaider @levanariddle @cindersassasin @kaider-is-my-otp (Tell me if you wanna be added/removed)

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elejah-wonderland · 6 years ago

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Love Hurts/9

Fanfiction

Part 9

AU TVD/TO story

Elijah Mikaelson x reader

Summary: Y/N got a letter from a lawyer from New Orleans, saying she inherited a part of an Estate there. She went to find out what it was about and met two brothers, Elijah and Klaus Mikaelson, who also part own the property. What happened - you can read here - Masterlist https://elejah-wonderland.tumblr.com/post/182201793528/fanfiction-au-tvdto-story-elijah-mikaelson-x

a/n: thanks for sticking with this story. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions I guess. But there is a silver lining. xoxo

tags @rissyrapp20 @dendrite-lover @goddessofthunder112 @captainshurley @hides2000 @cassienoble2000

_____________

Yucatan, Mexico

Klaus was so very right when he made the decision to make Elijah leave New Orleans, as well as making him switch his phone off. Gaspar gave them the keys of his holiday house there, and the brothers had real peace and quite.

"This is exactly what I needed."- Elijah said as they sat down for breakfast-"you were right- everything just got on top of me- and I just made one mistake after another."

"Everyone can lose themselves. I've done it. Andrea's done it. Pain does that to people."- Klaus said-"When you fall, then you get up again. And if you can't do it alone, then it is more than ok to ask for a helping hand. There is no shame in asking for help."

"I heard that somewhere"- Elijah now joked a little.

"You said that to me, after my terrible binge drinking sessions for months after Hayley died."- Klaus now said.

"I remember."- Elijah said.

"Y/N cut you deep? I totally get it. She was like an angel descended on us. I started falling for her myself."

"What?"- Elijah couldn’t believe what his brother had just said.

"Yep. I admit. But, quickly realized she was not interested in the slightest. She always had this invisible wall put up whenever we were talking. Now I get it, she was into you." - Klaus said.

"And I fell - like the moth to the flame."-Elijah said-"but I am to blame as well. I got carried away. Sabine was also so sweet and lovely."

"Please, you can't compare Sabine to Y/N. Ever. She was a viper from day one. Y/N was truly sweet. Till the end. Did you know that her share of the earnings from all the events of the Plantation she made out to be spent on the refurbishing the house, and one for Hope’s and Marcel’ college fund. She doesn't take any money."

"What?”- Elijah was even more gobsmacked.

"Yeah. Andrea and the accountants must have sent you the reports, didn’t they?”

"I- didn't read them. Sorry. I just- well, I was busy losing myself into my own stupid emotional abyss."- Elijah admitted.

"Well, that's why we are here. To have you climb out of this abyss and see clearly again. You have to cut your losses. Ok, you fell for her. It was just a thing, and - there is nothing you can do. She left. But, what are you going to do about Camille? You don't love her- well, at least not like - you know what I mean. You're not in love with her. And it is really horrible if you continue with this noble rubbish, because in the long run, you are not doing good to her either. And as for Gia- let me break it to you again- You had a good one-night stand- just change the lawyer. There is plenty of sharks out there. She is not the only one."

"When did you become so wise?"- Elijah took a sip of coffee now.

"Got it from my older brother, who had always been giving me earful throughout the years."- Klaus joked-"come on, now. I rented a sailing boat out. Let's have some brotherly fun."

As they finished their breakfast they left.

Later, Klaus sent different selfies of them to Hope, who shared it with Mary and Andrea.

¤¤¤¤

In New Orleans

Y/N got out of the taxi and stood in front of the house for a moment before she entered the pathway to it. When she left, two months ago, she didn't think she would be back there so soon. If ever. But the universe seemed to have different plans for her or maybe it was Esther and Dahlia with the help of their witch that brought her back again. It seemed like she had been gone for a lot longer then just a couple of months. All of her emotions she thought she had under control now bubbled up as she rang the bell.

Mary, who was in the kitchen wondered who it was calling at two o'clock. She went to open the door and her heart nearly stood still as she saw Y/N standing there.

"Hello, Mary"- Y/N said.

"Oh my-"- Mary exclaimed completely taken in by the moment, seeing her there standing-

"Oh, come in, darling girl, why did you ring. Don't you still have the keys?"- the housekeeper now ushered Y/N in.

"Well, I - do, but I don't really live here anymore."- Y/N said.

"What are you saying? This is your home, unless there were some changes, which were not conveyed to me,"- Mary continued as they got in.

"No changes."- Y/N said.

Y/N put her backpack down now as they got into the Salon. Now, as Mary calmed down from the emotional surge of seeing Y/N, she now asked-

"Are you just visiting or- because, Andrea has told me that she had asked you to be her bridesmaid. The wedding is two weeks away."

"Well, I am here because- yeah, Andrea has asked me to help her out a bit with the wedding prep, now that it is like in such a short time."- Y/N fibbed a bit.

"They are making it very low key and - it is fine by me. Last time it was this big crazy thing and - you know it ended."- Mary continued-"Oh, I am completely dismayed. Let me get you some refreshments."

"Yeah, I am thirsty."- Y/N said and she now followed the woman into the kitchen.

"I have made a lemon mint iced-tea. Your favourite. You will not believe this, but as I thought of what to make today, I thought of you and-"- Mary said.

"You're so - great. I missed you."- Y/N said to the woman, now impulsive as she was she embraced her.

"Oh darling, we have all missed you, too. You don't know what it was like since you left. It was - like-"- Mary now told Y/N about it all, how they went back living their separate lives.

Hope was as happy as Mary when she came back from school and saw Y/N there. They all had dinner together and the rest of the afternoon and evening, Y/N spent with the girl.

In the evening as Y/N went to bed, Mary made a call to Klaus.

He picked it up all concerned as he knew Mary would stick to their agreement and not call if it wasn't an utmost emergency.

"Tell me it's not that bad? Is she all right?"

"Hope is perfectly fine."- Mary said on the other line.

"So, why are you calling me? My heart just stopped."- Klaus was slightly agitated and then said-"Is it Camille?"

"No. Y/N is here."- Mary now said.

"Y/N? She is New Orleans?"- Klaus was surprised to hear that news.

"Yes. She arrived today. I thought I'd let you know."

"How- why is she there? I mean- how long is she staying?"- Klaus continued with the interrogation.

"She says that she came to help with Andrea and Jackson's wedding. Andrea has asked her to be her bridesmaid."- Mary replied.

"Right. Ok. Thanks for letting me know. I'll call you."

"All right."- Mary said and hung up.

Elijah, who now came to the terrace where Klaus was and seeing him finish conversation asked if something had happened as he knew that they would only accept emergency calls.

"Yeah, all is fine. Hope is to go on a day trip, and the school needed a yes from me"- Klaus fibbed.

"Ah, all right. Are we going to that dinner. I am starving."- Elijah said.

"Yeah."- Klaus said and the went out.

¤¤¤¤

The next morning, Y/N went to the Plantation, where Andrea was eagerly expecting her. The two women went into a warms hug.

"It's so good to see you"- Andrea said to Y/N.

"You two."- Y/N said.

As they walked in the office Andrea continued- getting them both a refreshments.

" I thought you cut your hair. On that photo with your parents it was so short."

"No, well, I trimmed it a bit. I just had it straightened and had one of those casual tails. But, trust me I was temped, and I am thinking about cutting it."- Y/N said-"ok, now tell me - everything- I want to know how you think you will managed the wedding in such a short time?"

"We are getting married in the Old Plantation house at the pond. Klaus and Elijah said it was fine. We will just decorated it with flowers and put some more lights, it really doesn't need much. We also don't have too much money, so- and because Jackson was paying off a debt- and I left, so - kind of agreed to make it a small wedding."- Andrea explained.

"I get it. And the Old Plantation house is perfect for small weddings. We should put this into our wedding section on the website."- Y/N suggested.

"I thought about it, too."- Andrea said.

"We can use the photos from your wedding- oh- sorry- I get all these ideas and my mind works overtime. Sorry, it's your private thing."

"Come on, it's a great business idea. I am ok with it, but I need to ask Jackson, but he will br ok with it too."- Andrea said.

"Ok, enough thinking of business all the time. I want to see the dress. I hope you got the dress."

"I do. It is Mary's dress, and I am having it altered to fit me, but I got the pictures already. Need to pick it up tomorrow."- Andrea now showed Y/N the dress, and a little later the walked to the Old Plantation house. That was the first house the Mikaelsons built when they got the Plantation, until the Grand house was build.

"After you left the Estate got a loan to do some repairs on it."- Andrea explained-"Elijah and Klaus thought to keep it in the original state as much as possible, like you suggested."- she looked at Y/N now and continued-"seriously, I don't get why you left. This project is your baby. It's also your home."

Y/N gulped a bit as Andrea said this project is your baby. She thought of the baby she was carrying. It was also this baby's home one day. Her emotions now jumbled up made her teary and she walked up the stairs to the landing where the ceremony would take place, to hide it from Andrea.

"This is a lovely wedding venue for a private quaint ceremony."- Y/N said.

"I got nearly all organized except for the bridesmaid dresses for you and Josie."- Andrea said.

"Well, then we have to go shopping."- Y/N said smiling.

They chatted some more about the ceremony and Y/N's holiday in Brazil.

■

The next day, the women went into town in search of the dresses, and had an absolute blast trying on the dresses. And although Y/N's bump was not that big, Andrea noticed the rounding as Y/N put on a dress to try.

"Can I- ok- really don't want to pry but- are you pregnant?"- Andrea asked.

Y/N stood taken aback, but she could not hide it as the truth would be out soon anyway, so she nodded and then said-"You can't tell anyone- I mean- till I tell-"

"Tell- who?"- Andrea said surprised.

"Elijah."- Y/N said.

"What? OMG! Elijah?? When did you guys- ok- ahm- Wow! ?"- Andrea continued astonished.

"It was- this one time- it's like so complicated. God, I am saying that a lot. But it is really complicated."

"You and Elijah- didn't see this one-Did you leave because of him?"

Y/N nodded again, her eyes watering.

Andrea now gave her friend a hug, and said-

"He's big on family. He will be happy."

A little later, after the chose the dress and the shoes and other accessories, they went for a fruit cocktail at Rousseau's.

"Josie is happy you chose flats"- Andrea laughed a bit-"she hates high-heels."

"She was not happy we chose pale pink."- Y/N said as she sipped a bit of her drink.

"She will survive."- Andrea remarked , she then stood up-"sorry, I need the bathroom."

And as Andrea went to the bathroom, two women sat down at the table next to where Y/N was.

"So, you and Elijah Mikaelson, really?"- one woman said and the other answered.

"Yep. I can't wait for him to come back from his vacation. He is so good in bed. And I thought he would be."- Gia said.

"What about Camille? Aren't they together?"- the other woman said.

"Oh, come on. If it was serious, would he like sleep with me. He needs a real woman."- Gia replied.

The waitress now came and they asked for drinks.

Y/N, who was on the neighbouring table went pale, not believing what she was hearing. Did she misunderstand the name, she now looked at Gia transfixed.

Andrea, who now got back from the bathroom, seeing Gia, greeted her not knowing had just been said. Gia greeted her back and now asked how she was doing and slipped something about her up-coming wedding.

"Can we go?"- Y/N suddenly got up interrupting them.

Andrea turned to Y/N, and slipped yeah asking if she was ok.

"Just feel sick a bit. It must be the heat."- Y/N replied.

Gia, now looked at Y/N, and having recognized her from the social media about the Mikaelson Ball, now introduced herself.

Y/N mumbled something in the lines of nice to meet you, although she thought the opposite. Making an apology about not feeling good, she and Andrea left the bar. All the way to the house, a few blocks away, Y/N was quiet. She was not well, but it was nothing physical. She didn't know whether to believe what she had heard. The woman was clearly full of herself, but the way the woman spoke about Elijah and them being together, she was convinced it was true.

As they got in the house, she disappeared in the bathroom. Upon Mary asking Andrea what was in the matter, the woman just said that she didn't know.

"Sometimes she leaves the house without eating anything. Did you have anything to eat?"- Mary asked.

"I had breakfast with Jackson before we left the Plantation, but I don't know about Y/N."- Andrea replied, fibbing obviously.

In the bathroom, Y/N wiped her tears off , then washed her face. Has he erased her so quickly out of her life? And what about Camille? Did she know him at all? Millions of ridiculous questions now streamed through her head. She heard Andrea knock at the door now asking if she was fine.

Y/N got out and looking composed said that she was fine. Andrea told her whispering that Mary has made them something to eat, but if she wasn't up to it, she maybe should just excuse herself and go to lay down.

"No, let's do lunch. I am ok."- Y/N said and they went down to eat.

They stayed a little while longer and they both left for the Plantation house.

In the next couple of days, Y/N helped out Andrea with the work in the office, as well as the wedding preparation. She tried not think of Elijah and what she had found out about him and Gia. It was not easy. It pained her, but in truth, she had left, and she had drawn the line between them. And as she couldn't sleep, she got up and wondered down to the kitchen to get a drink and then walked into the Salon. She sat down in front of the photo portrait of him with Klaus from the Ball, and now looking at Elijah said-

"I thought you loved me. Really loved me. You said so. Here. You kissed me over and over again. Ugh, how could you! Do you even care about Camille? Well, maybe I just had this rose-coloured glasses and didn't really see what you are really like. I so want to hate you. But I can't. Just can't. I love you. Why did I ever had to come here and meet you? Whatever. Oh, God. Now I am talking to pictures all the time."

Y/N walked out of the Salon and off to bed. On the stairs, as she was walking up, suddenly she felt like someone took hold of her arm. Turning slightly with a slight fright passing through her she looked around. But there was no one. Y/N now shook her hand and as she went up at the top of the stairs she found a broach lying there. Y/N froze as she now recognized it being the broach Dahlia wore on one of her dresses on the photo. She picked it up, and took it to her room with her. She remembered now Andrea telling her that Klaus thought he saw his aunt on the porch on the day Y/N left. She didn't know what to think. But it was surely very spooky.

The next day she told Andrea about it, showing her the broach.

"That is really strange, because- all the jewellery is in the safe, and only the three of you know the safe number."- Andrea said-"this some kind of juju."

"It's really weird."- Y/N said-"Ok, I will go and check after the tours finish today. Ok. The photographer is now coming to take some photos of the Old Plantation house. See you later."

Y/N went to meet the photographer and Andrea continued with the order of the day.

At the meantime, in New Orleans, Klaus and Elijah returned from their vacation and Mary was so happy to see them back and after inquiring how it was, both of them answered that it was more than amazing.

"Ready to take anything on"- Elijah said to Mary and Klaus agreed, whose phone rang and he answered it. It was Abby and he made a gesture with his hand that he had to take this.

Elijah now went up the stairs to put his case away and unpack, and as he passed by the rooms, he saw Elena's room open, and her a few of her shirts neatly folded on the bed. He walked in it, and picked them up. Klaus, who now went upstairs, found him there.

Elijah now looked at his brother and asked-

"How come her clothes are - she is here?"

He could see now that Klaus knew that Y/N was in New Orleans and now nodded.

"What is she- when did she come back?"- Elijah asked.

"The other day."- Klaus said-"Mary's call was about Y/N arriving. She is here for Andrea's wedding, helping her out. She is her bridesmaid."

"Why didn't you tell me?"- Elijah asked.

"Because- well, we had two more days of doing our brotherly thing. I was coming up to tell you."

"I am not going to do anything ridiculous. Ignore her or anything like that. Wasn't this trip about me clearing up my head? And I did. It's good that she is here. Whatever was between us is no more. Ok. I am going to have a shower. I guess she is at the Plantation?"

"Yeah."- Klaus said-"when I get Hope from school we can go over there."

"Sure."- Elijah said and now went to his room.

A little while later, Mary called Andrea, telling her that they will all be at the Plantation house later that evening, so she can prepare the part of the house that the Mikaelson were using as their private area.

Andrea passed the message to Y/N, who now hearing that they were coming, her heart could not be still. And when she was now face to face with him in the gazebo not far from the Old Plantation house, her heart betrayed her completely. It thumped wildly and she felt her stomach churn slipping-

"Elijah-"

"Y/N"- he said back his stomach churning in the same way-"Andrea told me you would be here."

"Yeah- ahm- the photographer just left and I am finishing here. I am helping out with this new wedding idea."- Y/N said.

"Yeah, Andrea told us. Jackson had just showed us all the work done on the Old house-"

"It turned out really good. Everything looks great actually. It's great that you are letting them have it as a wedding venue."

"So, you're staying till the wedding?"- Elijah now asked.

"Yes- I am."- Y/N confirmed, tingling now all inside because there was this major thing she needed to tell him, and for some reason she didn't know how and when to come out of it. Then Gia's words came storming in about them sleeping together and Y/N's heart shriveled somewhat. And she just stood there looking away into the garden.

Elijah took this as a sign that this was the end of their small chit-chat and then said-

"Right. Ahm, see you- then."

And as he now turned to leave, Y/N called out-

"Elijah-"

Elijah turned around and now looked at her gesturing -yes?

Whatever is between him and Gia, she could not not tell him about the baby. (a/n: I know it's a double negation- and yet I wrote it - lol)

Y/N drew a deep breath and then shot out-

"I am pregnant."- looking at him with sincerest of eyes.

"What?"- he said now looking at her like shell-shocked.

Y/N repeated-

"I am pregnant. 12 weeks. I am not here just for the wedding- I came to tell you that you are going to be a dad."

_________________

#Elijah Mikaelson #Elijah Mikaelson x reader #tvd fanfiction #Fanfiction

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travelonlinetipsofficial · 3 years ago

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Best Chinatown Restaurants: Top 10Best Restaurant Reviews

New Post has been published on https://www.travelonlinetips.com/best-chinatown-restaurants-top-10best-restaurant-reviews/

Best Chinatown Restaurants: Top 10Best Restaurant Reviews

Home to the largest population of Chinese people in the Western hemisphere, Manhattan’s Chinatown can be daunting. Hurried shopkeepers peek out from windows while children play ball in the streets. In terms of food? Well, buckle up. To find the good stuff takes a little time and a whole lot of patience. If clean and tidy floors are on your list of musts, well…let’s just say you may be better suited to grab grub somewhere else.

But if you’re open for culinary adventure and looking for it on the cheap, there’s few better places in the city to get your fill. From old-standbys-turned-neighborhood-hotspots like the dim sum restaurant Nom Wah Tea Parlor to fresh fusion newcomers like Japanese-Hawaiian-Korean-inspired Chikarashi, Chinatown is brimming with possibilities old and new.

If it’s simply low costs and high value you’re after, you’d be remiss to visit New York and not pass through Chinatown for a bite at Tasty Dumpling, or swing by Canal Street Market for a mini-food tour all under one roof. Another option that’s not as often documented are the food carts dotting the streets, so you can forget halal and skip right to the rice noodles.

Below, we dive into the 10 best restaurants in Chinatown.

Photo courtesy of Mason Wilkes/CSM

Due to inflated rents and high fail rates for new restaurants, food halls are quickly replacing singular brick-and-mortar joints. Sometimes this is good, sometimes…not so good. In the case of Canal Street Market, this is very, very good.

Effortlessly chic and cool with clean lines and boundless natural light, CSM is the antithesis to the rest of grungy Canal Street. And the food vendor game? It’s strong.

Nom Wah Tea Parlor, Ilili Box and the Boba Guys have all set up shop here, among a smattering of others, including a juice bar, sushi stand and a rotating cast of pop-ups. One word to the wise: “seating” is mostly standing room only in the back.

Recommended for Chinatown’s Best Restaurants because: It’s the best newcomer to Canal Street in decades.

Andrea’s expert tip: Sign up for the newsletter to find out when events are happening in the adjoining space.

Read more about Lalito →

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#Destinations

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z-exie · 4 years ago

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I’ve spoken to many professionals who want to write a book but have no idea how to go about making that dream come to fruition. For creative writers, it’s not difficult to convince them that they should publish their work. For professionals, it’s a bit more challenging.

For most entrepreneurs, they are too busy managing and growing their business—there’s no time to write a book. What most entrepreneurs don’t realize is that they already have their manuscript written!

Your manuscript is right in front of you!

Professionals have already been marketing themselves and their business with newsletters, brochures, press kits, press releases, blog posts, and other digital content.

If you’re still unsure about whether or not you ought to write a book, think about this: If you find that you are repeating yourself to potential clients, it might be a good idea to write a book!

NOTE: Publishing a book does not necessarily take a year or two to complete either.

Most entrepreneurs are trying to sell a product or service by informing their clients about their company, the industry related to it, and some basic how-to steps in achieving their business goal. These types of books don’t always have to be hundreds of pages long. In fact, your reading audience may prefer to have a quick go-to reference guide anyway.

How long does it take to write a book?

Writing a book can be done in less than a month if a person is determined and focused enough…without any complications of course.

For professionals, writing a book can be a simple process of compiling all of their marketing materials into a cohesive rough draft. That is the first step. There really is no need to shop for a publisher until you have a manuscript ready to submit because in order to publish a book, there needs to be a body of work for the publisher to work with. However, you might get lucky and find a publishing company that offers writing workshops. You can also publish your book independently. The Udemy one-day online course, How to Become an Independent Publisher is an easy-to-follow online course that encourages and guides aspiring writers to self-publish. It also includes a free download of The Right Way to Publish book.

The idea of writing a book may seem intimidating, but with the right information to guide you, it doesn’t have to be!

You don’t have to be a professional writer to publish a book!

A big myth about writing a book is that you have to be a professional writer or well-versed in English and grammar. The fact of the matter is that anyone can write a book.

Many people have written books and aren’t good at writing, nor have they taken any classes. Still, professionals and experts continue to print publications in their area of expertise. They leave it up to the editors to worry about the grammar, spelling, and other editorial clean-ups.

What can I write about?

It’s simple. Think of what you love to do or talk about and just write it down! Buy a notebook and start journaling what you want to say to your audience. I just love this cute little journal I found on Amazon.

Still lost?

Think of the writing process as a simple conversation with one of your friends, colleagues, a potential client, or maybe with yourself. Find a topic that you’re passionate about. It may exhilarate or infuriate you. Usually, topics that generate emotion spread like wildfire. It’s safe to assume that you may not be the only one who feels this way. The person who may identify with you is your audience, the people who will most likely buy your book.

2 questions to ask yourself before you write your book

Once you discover what you want to write about, think of these 2 things:

What’s wrong or right with it?

What can be done to make it better?

Answer these two questions about a topic you’re passionate about and you’ll have at least a chapter done. In fact, it’s possible to only have 25 pages written to publish a paperback book and even less than that if you want to publish an e-book. Again, don’t worry about spelling or grammar. This is the thing that trips up most aspiring authors, thinking their first draft must be perfect. Just write! Get whatever is in your head out onto paper and do what most of these accomplished authors do—let the editor make it look pretty!

Written by Zorina Frey, IWA Publications

Zorina Frey

iwapublications.com

How to Become an Independent Publisher

This is a great course for authors. I will be using the material as a reference for all my future book projects. Thanks. ~Sudhir Ahluwalia

I felt like I was in such good hands during this whole class! ~Andrea Askowitz

AMAZING !!!! A Wealth of information, that no wants to tell you about. You can be in control of your book. Wonderful….. ~Rocio Vargas

Udemy Online Course How to Become an Independent Publisher

FREE DOWNLOAD of “The Right Way to Self Publish” ebook.

Adobe InDesign – Format your book’s interior without the hassle of readjusting your page numbers and paragraphs. Create a manageable table of contents. Free 7-day download link included.

Adobe Photoshop – Design a professional-looking book cover without paying an artist hundreds of dollars. Free 7-day download included.

HTML Coding – Learn basic computer coding language so that you can better manage your website and format ebooks.

Writing a Book to Promote Your Business - Be an expert just like that! I’ve spoken to many professionals who want to write a book but have no idea how to go about making that dream come to fruition.

#Book Publishing #Marketing Ideas 2020 #Marketing Ideas 2021 #Self Publish #Write a book #Writing a Book to Promote Your Business #Zorina Frey

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espnsoccer · 5 years ago

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Wolverhampton Wanderers 0-0 Manchester United, FA Cup third round [ad_1] Highlights: Wolverhampton Wanderers 0-0 Manchester United Manchester United failed to have a shot on target in a domestic game for the first time since January 2015 as they played out a goalless FA Cup draw at Molineux.With United having a two-legged EFL Cup semi-final against Manchester City this month, the Old Trafford replay will take up their only spare January midweek without a game.For Wolves, it adds to a marathon season that has already reached 36 games.In a largely disappointing rematch of last year's quarter-final, Marcus Rashford and Raul Jimenez both struck the woodwork in the second half.Rashford came close a minute after his introduction as a second-half substitute, when his shot looped off Wolves skipper Conor Coady.Jimenez's was all his own work as he raced down the byeline and then, completely lacking in support, surprised United keeper Sergio Romero by shooting from a virtually impossible angle, sending the ball skidding off the woodwork.Wolves' long season stretching resources Wolves, whose season started in July, gave a debut to 21-year-old striker Benny Ashley-Seal. He became the 26th player to start for Wolves during this campaign.In truth, the young Londoner did not sparkle and appeared to complain of feeling ill before he was replaced by Jimenez at the break.Wolves did create the best chance of the opening period, when a Pedro Neto corner was flicked on to Matt Doherty at the far post, only for Romero to make a fine reaction save.Romero repelled Neto with his feet when the Portuguese teenager collected Adama Traore's pass and created a space for a shot on the edge of the area after half-time, by which point the visitors were still to have a shot on target.They did have a penalty claim for a foul on Brandon Williams by Leander Dendocker, although the video assistant referee confirmed on-field official Paul Tierney's decision not to award itJuan Mata drifted a free-kick just wide and Rashford hit the bar when the ball looped up after Coady slid in to block 19 minutes from time, but Wolves keeper John Ruddy had still not made a save of note even then. Matt Doherty's header was ruled out by VAR after the ball struck the defender's arm on its way inUnited labour badly in attackNo-one could accuse the visitors of having an easy time of it in the FA Cup recently.Their past four games have all been away. Their opponents? Arsenal, Chelsea, Wolves and Wolves again. Molineux proved to be the end of their journey last season and for watching former manager Sir Alex Ferguson it must have felt a long time ago that United came to this venue and won 3-0 in a fourth-round tie in 2006.Ferguson's team that day included Wayne Rooney and Ruud van Nistelrooy, two of the greatest forwards in the club's history.Current boss Ole Gunnar Solskjaer simply does not have the same class in his squad and on a day when Rashford started on the bench and Anthony Martial was missing through illness, United laboured badly in attack.Typical of a first half in which the visitors failed to have a single shot on target was the moment when Harry Maguire won the ball with a thunderous tackle on Traore, only for Andreas Pereira to pick up possession on the halfway line then, rather than drive into space, plod forward a few strides, turn square with a slow pass and lose any momentum.Fixture congestion compoundedThe replay will be at Old Trafford between the next two rounds of Premier League fixtures and comes after both clubs - as with every other English professional club - had four matches to play over the festive period.For United, who like Wolves have reached the last 32 of the Europa League, it means that by the time these side play again in the league on 1 February, they will have played a minimum 18 games in 63 days - and even more if they do eventually reach the fourth round.Man of the match - Raul Jimenez (Wolves) Produced the one moment of class in the game when his shot from a tight angle struck the frame of the goalWolves stretch unbeaten run against United - the statsManchester United failed to have a single shot on target in this match, the second time they've done so in all competitions this season (also vs AZ in the Europa League).Wolves are unbeaten in their past five matches against Manchester United in all competitions (W2 D3), their longest such streak against the Red Devils since a run of six between 1959-1962.United failed to score for the first time in 14 meetings with Wolves in all competitions, since losing 1-0 in a Premier League match in January 2004.Manchester United have been taken to an FA Cup third-round replay for the first time since 2012-13, when they eliminated West Ham at Old Trafford.Wolves' Roman Saiss picked up his 11th card in all competitions this season (10 yellow, 1 red), more than any other Premier League player.'Moments of really good football' - what the managers saidWolves manager Nuno Espirito Santo, speaking to Match of the Day: "At times today we were at our best, especially in the second half. The first half was not so good. We were much better in the second half, created chances and had good combinations. There were moments of really good football."On his team's hectic schedule: "We must compete. We are always happy to face Manchester United. Whether you face them home or away, you always have to challenge yourself. This is what you want to become better - challenging yourself against the best teams."It's about having a team that can compete against any opponent."Manchester United manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, speaking to Match of the Day: "I'm happier to be in the replay than going out - it's a tough place to come."They had chances - Sergio Romero made some great saves and we got off the hook with the header. Sergio has never let us down, he's kept so many clean sheets. He is a fantastic human being and a top professional."He's putting pressure on David de Gea and that's what we want. We want the best players in the world here."It's a competition I love. It's a fair result that we are both still in the cup."What next?Wolves are next in action in the Premier League at home to Newcastle on Saturday, 11 January (15:00 GMT kick-off). Manchester United entertain Manchester City in the EFL Cup semi-final first leg on Tuesday, 7 January (20:00 GMT) before playing Norwich in the Premier League at Old Trafford next Saturday (15:00 GMT). 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mikeholloway · 7 years ago

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ahhhh I have half a paper to finish but I have? some thoughts re: the edit this season

Despite Cirie and Sarah being on the same tribe for 14 days, the edit only gives us a glimpse of their relationship once (in the second episode); meanwhile, we check in repeatedly on how Cirie feels about early jurors Ozzy and Zeke – why? Cirie’s actions in last night’s ep would be so much more clear and come off as more rational if her relationship w/ Sarah was more developed throughout the early stage of the game. Now that I think about it, when we actually do check in on that dynamic, Sarah basically says “if the numbers aren’t there to play w/ Cirie, then she can choke I guess!” Like...anyways.

We hear complaints from Aubry abt how she’s experiencing a “slow death”, and again, is having Survivor highs and lows... Yet, I don’t know exactly how bad I’d feel for her if I weren’t already a big fan. She’s lost Tony, Malcolm, J.T., Andrea, and almost Tai, but the edit doesn’t make an effort at all to show her develop any strong relationship w/ any of them... How much am I supposed to care?

Troyzan INV, not really trying to complain here, but if he ends up being a FTC goat, why does he lose? Is he simply ignored throughout the FTC process? If not, then why not show the viewers the mistakes he’s making throughout the season? I’d say it’s unlikely he’s the first finale boot which justifies his bad edit (but then Again, MvGx’S Br*t got more screentime by now). I’m just confused.

Tai, w/ two idols, a likely big end game factor, has been neglected in the edit since merge hit? I can’t think of a single relevant thing he’s done; why is the edit ignoring someone who very well may drastically affect the end game? Not that I like Tai all that much, but you’d think his input his important.

Brad, similarly to Carolyn, Tasha, and Ken, started pretty strong in regards to the edit, but has completely fallen off the grid... We’ve gotten no substantial content from him since like, Varner’s boot. This is a losing finalist trend that I’m a bit tired of seeing, quite frankly. Show us how Brad is navigating through the early/mid-merge if he makes FTC.

Obvious other issues w/ this edit – Michaela’s name not being brought up a single time throughout the episode... That’s not even the worst part, we clearly missed out on crucial development from Sarah/Brad/Troy/Tai.. If any combo of those 4 make FTC, how do they expect us to even care abt how they got there, or why they went there together?

The stakes of this season don’t even seem low... they’re just... non-existent due to the underdeveloped relationships of the people still in the game... I would barely care who wins if I wasn’t already invested in a couple people because of their past seasons.

#gcliveblog #survivor spoilers //#gc spoilers //

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romancevsreality-blog · 7 years ago

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the bachelorette, season thirteen, episode two: copper for paradise tbh

WELCOME BACK FOR ANOTHER HOUR BASKING IN PERFECTION.

The episode opens with Rachel playing with her fluffball of a dog. Y’all I don’t know a ton about dogs other than I love them and think they’re amazing but this dog is a 14/10 on cuteness. We get a scene of the two of them sharing a chair. It is so cute I can’t breathe and may faint.

We’re treated to a scene of Chris Harrison, the Jesus to my Judas, talking over coffee to the guys about how great Rachel is. Even Chris Harrison is enthralled by her - he calls her beautiful and smart and funny and amazing and terrific and wonderful and fantastic and it becomes very clear that Chris Harrison is also after Rachel’s heart. Okay, none of that actually happened, but wouldn’t it have been awesome if it had? I would be much better at television than the people creating this show. But he does basically say “I hope all y’all have good intentions because if you break her heart I will break your neck.” We learn there’s going to be two group dates and a one-on-one date this week!

And then...

THE FIRST DATE CARD OF THE SEASON!!!!!!!

Dean, JACKSTONE1, Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and Lucas are on it, and Rachel is looking for “husband material”. Is that sold at Jo-Ann Fabrics?

Everything is fine and dandy until Rachel leads them down a path towards Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. Y’all, I fucking hate Ashton Kutcher and it’s made me dislike Mila (who I ADORE) for associating with him. I know they’ve been married for three years but they make me want to barf. Namely him, though. He gets so many points for wokeness and for “being smarter than he seems” but remember - this is the dude who told January Jones she should quit acting and just let him wife her. He seems to have really gross, archaic views on women but gets a pass because he spoke about child trafficking in front of Congress. I once saw him actually push his (now ex-) wife away from him becasue she was distracting him from his iPad.

No. Fuck Ashton Kutcher.

They call Ashton and Mila The Most Perfect Couple in Hollywood (barf) but apparently A&M are super into Bachelor Nation. Ashton and Mila ask who of the men has health insurance (most of them, though that’ll change due to our garbage president and his hatred for poor people) and who has jobs (all of them, shockingly - BLAKE YOU ARE A LIAR). The men have to go through a “Husband Material” obstacle course where they have to basically practice doing Dad Stuff. Kenny’s feeling confident, because... he has a kid.

We’re forced to suffer through Cute Times With Mila and Ashton and I’m barfing.

All the guys have to change diapers and of course, freak out at the idea of poop. Y’all deal with your own poops every single day2. They then have to run with the babies in Baby Bjorns, and vacuum race, and everyone thinks this is hysterical. There are babies literally all over the place. This is what the GOP imagines Planned Parenthood looks like - abandoned babies just flopping around all over the place, but that’s what happens when you have zero sexual education! They have to unclog drains, and Syllabic Noise all but drowns his child. I would imagine that being around Syllabic Noise would compel me to Andrea Yates my children, too3.

Gross. We are treated to a great moment where Ashton has no idea what Syllabic Noise does and Mila half-heartedly explains it to him with Syllabic Noise right there. I could watch Ashton Kutcher Unenthusiastically Interact With Strangers forever. It’d be preferable to Punk’d.

We head to the After-Party which is at a warehouse that basically reminds me of Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum and probably smells like dust and mold and former joy. There’s neon lights everywhere and old video game consoles. I just noticed that Syllabic Noise’s “Medal” is redundant as hell - “World’s Greatest Potential Husband Material Award”? Come the fuck on, producers.

Rachel takes Syllabic Noise aside first and he basically tries to be like, “I only pushed him for you!” which is now a line of dialogue I must use in a Fatal Attraction-esque film I will write in the future. Because Syllabic Noise was chosen first, that means Blake is of course, going to jump on in there and try to start shit. He claims he’s known Syllabic Noise for years and that this is his gig - getting up there and being obnoxious. All the dudes are like, “yeah, but she’s smarter than you’re giving her credit for, let her fight her own battles.”

This is correct. Rachel is a smart girl. If someone there doesn’t have the correct intentions, she’ll know right quick and get out of there. Blake is one of those gross guys who genuinely believes that all women need to be protected and saved and hasn’t quite realized that on this show, the messenger gets shot. You could literally be stabbed by one of your fellow contestants and the lead would be like, “Doesn’t that say something about YOU, though?” There’s always the one guy who thinks standing up to the guy everyone hates will make him a hero. That is Blake.

Lucas/a producer wrote Rachel a poem. If a guy wrote me a poem on our second date I think I’d run away.

Fred and Rachel talk, and Rachel really can’t get over the fact that Fred was a bad kid. My mother can’t remember some of my personal traumas from childhood, but she’ll always remember the names of my bad friends. Women don’t forget that shit. Also, Fred - don’t mention that the girl you’re trying to woo is older than you. We learn that Rachel likes for guys to come to her because SHE IS A QUEEN. Tickle Monster talks about wiping a baby’s butt, JACKSTONE is a heavy starer4 and Iggy talks about work. Rachel is bored. I am too. These all seem like shitty Tinder dates, of which I have had a few.

Back at the house...

A DATE CARD ARRIVES!!!!!!!!!!

It goes to Peter, and Rachel’s looking for her best friend. Peter is both pumped and hot af.

Meanwhile, Blake’s gone to tattle on Syllabic Noise. Apparently Blake lives with Syllabic Noise’s girlfriend, and so that is definitely a sign he’s full of shit. He even shames Syllabic Noise for wearing makeup. I AM TEAM FUCKING NO ONE. They both suck. Go away. The guys confront Syllabic Noise about his behavior, and Syllabic Noise just thinks they’re all jealous. He tries to play the victim even further. Blake and Syllabic Noise both suck. Kenny, who is perfect, is also over it.

Kenny while Blake and Syllabic Noise go at it:

Dean and Rachel hit it off, and she’s crushing it. She makes him feel better about the “Once you go black” line, they’re flirty, they’re having fun. He felt like he may have blown his chances at a kiss because he didn’t. It’s okay, Dean. We all know you’re leading a double life as Jesse McCartney, so just tell her you want her and her beautiful soul and it’ll all be groovy. Kenny and Rachel have their time, and y’all I am in love with Kenny. He loves his daughter so much. So much, it makes my heart hurt.

But it’s not enough to get him the rose, which goes to Dean, star of 2004’s Summerland on The WB. He finally gets his kiss, too! Even Rachel’s about that life.

I’m glad the producers are allowing the contestants and the lead to transport themselves. Get that Chevy cross-promotion, y’all! Rachel and Peter, who is astonishingly hot, drive up to a tarmac, where they’re going to be going on a private plane to Palm Springs. But they’re not alone, no. Rachel brought along a friend.

IT’S HER DOG, COPPER

AND HE HAS A BROKEN LEG

AND HE IS SO CUUUUUUUUTE AND FLUFF 13/10 WOULD BANDAGE HIS LEG

Copper even gets his own talking heads because Copper is the best contestant this show has ever had.

They land in Palm Springs, and they head immediately to Barkfest, MY DREAM. I WOULD LIKE MY BIRTHDAY TO BE BARKFEST, PLEASE. There are dogs everywhere. It is a dog pool party. There are dogs on pool toys. There are dogs dancing. THERE ARE DOG FRIENDLY SMOOTHIES AND I AM DEAD!!!!!!! I never knew it was possible to want something this much, but alas, here we are. Things go wonderfully with Rachel and Peter. She is swooning.

Meanwhile, back at the house...

THERE’S A DATE CARD!!!!!!!!!

Will, Jam(ie), Diggy, Alex, Adam, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, and DeMario are all going on a group date. The card simply says “Swish.”

Rachel and Peter sit down to dinner, and they literally have one of the most enlightened conversations we’ve ever had on this show. Hell, I would say this is one of the best, most romantic, dreamy dates this show has had in years. I was swooning the entire time. Peter’s dad started watching the show once he found out his son was going to be on it. They commiserate about their gapped teeth. They talk about their love of therapy5. CAN THIS SHOW END AND THESE TWO GET MARRIED PLEASE

Peter gets a rose and RACHEL initiates the kiss. They literally go and see fireworks. I’m so happy for him.

The next day, they’re going to play basketball on a group date. Rachel admits to being a little “rusty” while filling out these leggings like it AIN’T NO THING. Oh my god, she looks incredible. I just want to be her. Oh, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is there to help them out. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is amazing. I screamed out loud, and not just at Alex’s man-bun. All of these guys suck at basketball. Also, it becomes glaringly obvious during this time that the Claw-Nailed girl we’ve seen in the previews for this episode belongs to DeMario, because he’s been all over the edit. We’ve seen as much of him as we have of Copper, and I much prefer Copper. In the group date, DeMario became the focus early on, and although he was doing well on the court, he wasn't really edited in the best light as he bragged and seemed so egotistical. That, plus Whitney (who???)’s threat in the first episode - well. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s probably a cheating bastard.

There’s a basketball game in front of people, and I know nothing about sports so I D G A F. The purple team loses, and the white team wins. I’m more happy that we get to see Rachel looking cute and sweet with fans. And then comes along Lexi, with her millenial pink shirt and her claw nails. I already live for Lexi.

Lexi:

Lexi reveals that up until she saw DeMario on After the Final Rose, he’d been her boyfriend. Rachel is shook. DeMario straight up ghosted on Lexi, going as far as to stop answering her texts three days ahead of his appearance. Rachel goes go the locker room to fetch DeMario, who thinks that she just wants extra time with him. He’s literally acting like nothing has happened.

Me:

Lexi says, “Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it, DeMario,” as soon as she sees him.

Me:

DeMario’s all, “new phone who dis?” And then leads into the I Got Caught In A Lie Playbook:

Step 1: Pretend not to know the person

Step 2: Oh wait, you know this person, but not very well

Step 3: You definitely know this person but it wasn’t anything serious

Step 4: This person is crazy!

Step 5: STICK TO SEMANTICS. If they have receipts/texts/proof/evidence, point out timestamps and try to contradict them.

But guess what?

DeMario forgot RACHEL IS A FUCKING LAWYER. HER WHOLE ENTIRE JOB IS TO COLLECT RECEIPTS!!!!!! She immediately starts poking holes in his story - did he cut off all communication, or not? Why didn’t he cut off all communication? When did you two stop talking? - and makes a good point that she doesn’t know Lexi from Adam, but she doesn’t know DeMario, either. So he doesn’t get to pull that card.

I love her so much.

She asks DeMario if she looks at Lexi’s texts which story will it align with - his or hers? He doubles down on “well, it depends on the dates?” She reads through the texts, and they seem to be rather non-committal. He tries to claim that he called her crazy and broke up with her in person, but he was still texting “good night, babe”, etc. He’s the worst. Rachel has her first (of what I can only hope is many) Emily Maynard Moment: She tells DeMario she’s not sure what he’s doing there, but knows it’s probably not for her. She’s not there to be played or to made a fool of, so he can get the fuck out.

SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT.

I LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!!

DeMario cannot get over any of it, and gets into a White Van of Doom. He complains about his character being assassinated, but never says anything about Rachel or losing out on an opportunity with a great girl. So Rachel: your point was proven, and proven hard. Chris Harrison the Tiago Rodriguez to my M, tries to console her, and she’s not having that, either. Rachel immediately goes into the locker room and tells the guys what went down with DeMario, and all of them are pissed off. She’s crying and basically says, “don’t fuck around, if you’re not here for me, BYE.”

The After-After Party is kind of glum, but Rachel shows up in a gorgeous grey sequin dress. All the guys are pretty much talking about her, and how she was feeling, especially Josiah, who is pissed off both on her behalf but his own. Everyone wants to feel like they’re playing on an even playing field. Alex sings her a song in Russian (poorly) but he makes her laugh, so that’s what counts. Rachel’s Love Languages6 are quality time and physical touch, so of course that means Eric hugs and kisses her. Do none of these guys get chyrons anymore?! I had to wait until Eric’s talking head to know who he was. IT HAS BEEN ONE EPISODE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THESE FOOLS ARE.

Rachel gives the rose to Josiah, whose thirst is coming off well.

Back at the house, the guys are all in a grey mood, because they now have no choice but to prove that they’re there for the right reasons. Rachel may have gotten hurt, but she’s still hopeful. The cocktail party starts, and Bryan takes his time with her to smooch but also talk about how much he missed her. Bryan and his cheekbones are so handsome, and he GIVES HER A MASSAGE. I am so tentative about Bryan but tbh he can rub on my back any day.

We see a producer go out to the front of the house while Rachel enjoys her time with the dudes. Oh, and DeMario’s there. Of fucking course. The producer goes to get Chris Harrison, the Lonesome Rhodes to my Marcia7, and Chris basically stands there and listens to DeMario like “MOTHERFUCKER I WANT TO STAB YOU MYSELF.” Chris tells DeMario that he’ll tell Rachel what’s going on and that he’ll basically leave it up to Rachel to decide if she wants to speak to him.

Rachel can’t believe DeMario’s there. All the other guys find out that he’s there, and they’re all salty. Rachel’s curious - WHY, RACHEL? - and she and Chris Harrison head out to meet him.

The guys follow right behind, like a West Side Story-esque gang.

To Be Continued.

Next Time, on The Bachelorette: She’s Just Like Us: Go Fuck Yourself, DeMario. Lee emerges as the asshole of the gang. Eric flips out.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Everything that could be said about Lee being a racist asshole has been said before me and better than me. All I have to say is that it’s entirely unfuckingfair of ABC and the producers of this show to put a black woman in this situation and claim they weren’t vetted. They knew exactly who Lee was, and cast him hoping he would be who he was. I highly doubt Lee would consider himself to be a racist, he just “holds racist views”. If ABC and the producers reward him and allow him to go on Paradise, I will make it my personal goal to brand him as the racist he is. They already allowed a KNOWN emotionally abusive predator on this show, and we had to deal with a year of their fucking nonsense. Just because you have a black bachelorette now doesn’t make it o-fucking-kay. LBR - any guy who describes himself as “truly Southern” is just saying “I want to be racist and get away with it”. Lee was just another southern singer on this show for exposure.

Copper is my aesthetic. I would like him to be our next Bachelor. He’d be better than Luke Pell.

Did I gush about Rachel enough in this recap? Not quite sure.

I hate how hot I find JACKSTONE. The guys greet Rachel, and Rachel is barbecuing and her arms look amazing. What is her arm workout? I would actually start working out for arms like that. Syllabic Noise is being extra as hell as usual, and the guys are tired of it. Like, real tired of it. I would be too - but I also find people to be exhausting in general. I think I would have to try extra hard not to choke Syllabic Noise, too. Blake ‘I love my Penis” E. claims he’s going to be the one to take Syllabic Noise down. ↩︎

Hopefully. I have a friend who once admitted to me that he doesn’t poop daily and I was genuinely concerned about his digestive system. ↩︎

This is such a dark, insensitive joke. The race comes down to Hot Kenny and Syllabic Noise, and Syllabic Noise flat out pushes Hot Kenny out of the way to win. ↩︎

The number of guys who have tried to flirt with me by leaning in super close, forehead first... NO. STOP IT. I’m really terrible at noticing when guys are flirting with me in the first place but the minute your forehead makes its way in my direction I clam the fuck up. ↩︎

It’s very poignant to see a black woman admit to going to therapy, considering that the black community has a very big stigma towards mental illness/therapy. ↩︎

I can’t tell if I think Love Languages are genius or complete garbage. ↩︎

The producer in question calls him “Mr. Harrison” which makes me wonder if they’re required to call him that. I bet they also can’t look him in the eye. When I come for Chris Harrison’s gig, that’ll all change. In due time, producers. ↩︎

#the bachelorette #reality tv recap

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galxias-archive · 8 years ago

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Hello there! I'm so glad I found your blog, it's so aesthetic!! I had a really productive day today and got a lot of work done! My favourite song as of now is "We've Never Met, but Can We Have Coffee or Something" by In Love With a Ghost!

hello, sorry this took so long & thank you so much! i’ve never heard that song but i’ll def give it a listen :) you can find your mb here!

url: 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | nancy wheelericon: 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | spencer reidtheme: 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | chato santanamobile theme: 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | america chavezupdates tab: 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | raphael santiagocontent: 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | rosa diazoverall: 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | leia organa

compliment: i love your icon is really cute!

#studyingfortheworld #andrea does br

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thrashermaxey · 6 years ago

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Ramblings: Pastrnak Returns, Barkov Rolls On, & Scoring is Up and It Is Spectacular (March 20)

In a pivotal Eastern Conference battle, the Canadiens and Flyers met in Philadelphia on Tuesday evening. Montreal came into the contest losers of two straight and with just four points in their last six games. That run was pushing them closer to the 10th place, Flyers than the eighth-place, Blue Jackets.

Carey Price and Carter Hart both came to play, but it was the Habs who jumped out to a 2-0 lead half-way through the contest. Brendan Gallagher’s 31st of the year tied his previous career-best set a season ago, while Shea Weber converted his 12th tally. Sean Couturier got the Flyers on the board in the final frame on a power-play marker, but Max Domi sealed it into the empty net with under 90 seconds to play.

The win pulled the Habs to within a single point of Columbus for the final Wild Card spot but CBJ had a contest with the Flames later in the evening.

Let’s just jump right into that one to keep the suspense from building too high.

Calgary came into the night leaders of the West with 95 points despite being just 5-5-0 in their previous 10 games. They fell behind early in this one after Zach Werenski scored his 11th, but tallied the next three and never looked back. Dave Rittich stopped 33 of 35 to record his fourth straight victory. The loss leaves CBJ clinging to that final Wild Card spot.

Remember when Freddie Andersen was one of the best fantasy netminders? Yeah, neither do I. The Danish puck-stopper has been flipping the bird to his owners during the fantasy playoffs for the better part of two weeks. Heading into a Tuesday night matchup with the Preds, he had allowed 14 goals in three games.

He and the Maple Leafs were desperately looking to stop the skid, but it wasn’t to be. Brian Boyle gave the Predators a 1-0 lead at 4:47 of the first period. Wayne Simmonds boosted the Predators a 2-0 lead at 9:13 of the third period. Filip Forsberg scored an empty-net goal to make it 3-0.

Kyle Turris returned to the lineup after being a healthy scratch the previous two contests. He skated just 11:30 on the fourth line.

Ben Bishop returned from a brief injury stint to try and rekindle his shutout-streak. He was going up against a red-hot Sasha Barkov and the Florida Panthers so it was going to be a tough task.

The shutout streak ended just two minutes into the contest, lasting a total of 233:04. Not too shabby though. And of course, it was Barkov who found the back of the net – his first of two goals on the evening. The 22-year-old is absolutely feeling it these days.

{source}<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en">Sasha Barkov is on another planet right now. He has 17 points over his current 7-game streak. He’s set career-highs for goals (32), assists (53), and points (85). And there’s still 9 games left to be played. — /Cam Robinson/ (@Hockey_Robinson) <a href="https://twitter.com/Hockey_Robinson/status/1108192231041589248?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 20, 2019</a></blockquote>

He’s one of the most underrated players in the game today. Barkov has just six total penalty minutes while averaging 22:28 per contest. That mark trails only Connor McDavid (23:03) and Leon Draisaitl (22:36) as the Oilers ride their only horses right into the dirt.

The best is yet to come for the Finnish pivot.

Bishop and the Stars weren’t shaken by the early goal against. The top line took over from there, with Jamie Benn (1+2), Alex Radulov (2+1), and Tyler Seguin (0+4) combining for 10 points. The Stars took this one 4-2 and are now five points up on the Wild and looking set to rejoin the playoff picture.

Here is a look at the Stars' stats since the infamous 'horseshit' comments by the team's CEO:

Tuukka Rask recorded what might have been the easiest shutout of his career. The Finnish netminder turned aside just 13 shots as the Bruins blanked the Islanders 5-0 on Tuesday evening.

The big news in this one was the return of David Pastrnak. After missing nearly six weeks with an injured thumb, the 22-year-old was back to his old spot on the top line next to Brad Marchand and Patrice Bergeron. He skated 14:19 with three shots on goal. That entire line was rested as this one was never in doubt.

There were reports that Jake DeBrusk would miss this game due to injury, but he managed to dress and buried his 23rd of the campaign. As expected, Danton Heinen lost his cushy spot in the top six and was skating on the left side of Sean Kurlay – who happened to pot two markers in this game, and Chris Wagner.

Heinen nabbed an assist in this one, but skating on the third line doesn’t present a lot of reasons to expect the production to continue.

The Penguins received a massive boon as Kris Letang returned to the lineup after missing nearly a month. The team’s top blueliner didn’t miss a beat as he scored a goal, recorded four shots, 12 penalty minutes and skated a team-high 26:45. Jake Guentzel continued his terrific season by posting a goal – his 37th of the season, and an assist. The 24-year-old may be clicking on 18.7 percent of his shots this season, but he is no stranger to high conversion rates.

Here’s a tweet from the tail-end of his rookie season in 2016-17

{source}<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en">In 88 combined regular season & playoff games this season in AHL/NHL, Jake Guentzel has scored 46 goals on 209 shots (22% rate). <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Penguins?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Penguins</a>— /Cam Robinson/ (@Hockey_Robinson) <a href="https://twitter.com/Hockey_Robinson/status/865357948322586624?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">May 19, 2017</a></blockquote>

There aren’t too many players I would feel comfortable projecting to hang around the high-teens for conversion rates; Guentzel is one of them. His living next to Sid doesn’t hurt that one bit.

It wasn’t enough though, as the Pens fell 3-2 to the Canes in a shootout. Carolina is now two points back of the Pens for the third spot in the Metro. They have two games in hand.

Of note, Sebastian Aho led all skaters with 28:27 – including 3:54 in overtime. That’s a career-high for the 21-year-old.

Petr Mrazek stopped 33 of 35 to record his sixth quality start in his last seven starts. He’s battled all the way back to a .909 save percentage on the season. Not bad for a throwaway.

The Caps waltzed through the Devils 4-1 on Tuesday. But to be fair, nearly everyone does that to New Jersey these days. Their roster is a who’s who of AHL players and they lost Kyle Palmieri to injury in the first frame. He did not return.

The tank is rolling deep.

Phoenix Copley made 20 saves, Brett Connolly scored a goal and an assist, and Alex Ovechkin recorded the rare no-shot game.

In a battle between two not-very-good teams, Jimmy Howard made 41 stops to help the Red Wings defeat the Rangers 3-2 at Madison Square Gardens.

Fresh off of signing his first professional contract, and receiving the BIG10 Conference Player of the Year Award, Taro Hirose skated in his first NHL contests. He grabbed an assist on Frans Nielsen’s first-period goal.

Andreas Athanasiou scored two goals to give him five in his previous four games and 28 on the campaign.

Jaden Schwartz scored three and added a helper, David Perron chipped in with two goals and an assist as the Blues feasted on the Oilers 7-2. Jordan Binnington made just 15 saves to improve his record to 18-4-1 with a 0.930 save percentage.

McDavid saw his eight-game, multi-point, and 12-game point streaks come to an end.

We all know scoring is up. But just how high is remarkable. Let’s take a gander at the five seasons prior to this one and see how the quality and quantity of production has fluctuated. To keep things simple when comparing to 2018-19, I’ve set the games played minimum at 55.

Way back in 2013-14, we witnessed 11 skaters record a point-per-game or better. Sidney Crosby led the way with 1.30 points-per-game. Four skaters played at a 90-point pace or better. 2014-15 saw eight skaters break the point-per-game mark with Jamie Benn leading the way with 87-points.

2015-16 slipped even further. Just seven skaters played at the point-per-game pace. Patty Kane ran away with the Art Ross with his 106 points. No other skater played at a 90-point-pace. 2016-17 was nearly identical. Eight skaters at or above the point-per-game mark, with McDavid the only triple-digit producer, and Crosby the only other player to play above a 90-point pace.

Last season we began to see a shift for the good. A whopping 24 skaters clicked above the point-per-game mark. We had three 100-plus point seasons from McDavid, Nikita Kucherov, and Claude Giroux. Meanwhile, we had eight others produce at or above the 90-point threshold.

The good times have certainly continued to roll in 2018-19. With just 10 games remaining on the schedule for most clubs, we have 35 players above the point-per-game mark. We have already witnessed three players crack the 100-point barrier, and seven more are on pace to join them by early April.

Kucherov is on pace to record the most points in a campaign since Teemu Selanne dropped 132 back in 1991-92.

2017-18’s 2.97 average goals-per-game represented the highest mark since the 2005-06 season when penalty calls were… actually called on a regular basis thanks to the lockout. This season has taken it a step further with a 3.03 goal-per-game average.

We’re not back to the four-goal average we saw in 1981-82 (I use the word ‘saw’ loosely as I wasn’t even a glimmer in my papa’s eye at that point), but we are slowly crawling back to the gaudy totals of the early 1990s before the clutch and grab era took over. And it’s not due to the referees calling things either. The league has steadily slowed it’s power-play opportunities from a high-water mark of 5.85-per-game in 2005-06 to the 2.98 we’re seeing this season.

What’s the difference? Well, teams are shooting a bit more. But what’s really driving things can only be explained by an increase in performance. The young talent that enters the game on a yearly basis has made life very difficult on oppositions coaches and goaltenders. Let’s push to embrace this style, and push for more power-plays in the future. One day, I’d like to draft a player who has a legit chance at posting 150-plus points.

Dare to dream, people. Dare to dream.

Follow me on Twitter @Hockey_Robinson

from All About Sports https://dobberhockey.com/hockey-rambling/ramblings-pastrnak-returns-barkov-rolls-on-scoring-is-up-and-it-is-spectacular-march-20/

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sparkreads · 6 years ago

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Reasons to Stay Alive

Matt Haig

Matt Haig’s accessible and life-affirming memoir of his struggle with depression, and how his triumph over the illness taught him to live. ** From the author of How To Stop Time, coming February 2018 from Viking.

"Destined to become a modern classic." —*Entertainment Weekly***

Like nearly one in five people, Matt Haig suffers from depression. *Reasons to Stay Alive *is Matt’s inspiring account of how, minute by minute and day by day, he overcame the disease with the help of reading, writing, and the love of his parents and his girlfriend (and now-wife), Andrea. And eventually, he learned to appreciate life all the more for it. Everyone’s lives are touched by mental illness: if we do not suffer from it ourselves, then we have a friend or loved one who does. Matt’s frankness about his experiences is both inspiring to those who feel daunted by depression and illuminating to those who are mystified by it. Above all, his humor and encouragement never let us lose sight of hope. Speaking as his present self to his former self in the depths of depression, Matt is adamant that the oldest cliché is the truest—there is light at the end of the tunnel. He teaches us to celebrate the small joys and moments of peace that life brings, and reminds us that there are always reasons to stay alive.

#2018 #nonfiction

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avanneman · 6 years ago

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American Catholics and American Jews are not happy campers. And neither, it seems, are America’s evangelicals

This conversation didn’t happen, but it could have:

Monseigneur Vivaldi: “Have you read that Pennsylvania grand jury report? Over three hundred priests accused of sex abuse! We’ve hit rock bottom! It can’t get any worse than this!”

Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò: “Hold my beer.”

Yes, Viganò’s now notorious letter is rockin’ the church in ways that it hasn’t rocked for centuries—that is to say, in public.

The American press, which consistently applies a “see no evil” approach to reporting on the papacy, responded to the once in a millennium news of Pope Benedict’s resignation with a “Gee, I never saw that coming” shrug, as if a champion athlete retired at age 35 instead of hanging around to the ripe old age of 38.

Underneath and within the Catholic Church itself, of course, there was an immense amount of subterranean grinding—the socio-cultural equivalent of the San Andreas Fault processing a volcanic eruption on the other side of the world. Pope Francis was greeted with open arms, outwardly—“We have a pope! We have a pope!” along with lots of talk about the canonization of John Paul II, because what’s more Catholic than a canonization, and what better way to take people’s minds off their troubles?

Well, wiseguy secularized atheists like myself were not paying much attention, but a lot of Catholics were paying attention, and the more they got to know Pope Francis, the less they liked him. Earlier this year, Ross Douthat published To Change the Church: Pope Francis and the Future of Catholicism, coming pretty close to accusing the vicar of Christ of being, well, the Anti-Christ.

“This is a book about the most important religious story of our time: the fate of the world’s largest religious institution under a pope who believes that Catholicism can change in ways that his predecessors rejected, and who faces resistance from Catholics who believe the changes he seeks risk breaking faith with Jesus Christ.”

Ross in his wrath rather reminded me of one of Melville’s Polynesians, who erects a wooden statue to pray to, earnestly seeks its blessing, and then when the god fails to come through, knocks it off its perch and gives it a few solid kicks. Ross, if God allows a bad man to become Pope, maybe there isn’t one! (God, I mean.)1

Well, Ross in his wrath was surprising enough, but the Archbishop’s assault is more than any mere Protestant could have predicted.2 Viganò’s announced goal of forcing Pope Frederick’s resignation would mean two resignations in a row. Is that any way to run the Church?

I don’t think so. I think a Catholic Church that forces the resignations of two popes in a row is not the Catholic Church. It’s something else. I’ve felt for a long time that the “European” Catholic Church in the U.S. will shrivel and the American Catholic Church will become exclusively a Latin institution. The Irish and the Italians, who have sustained the American Catholic Church throughout the twentieth century, will find they have more in common with their secularized Protestant neighbors than with the Hispanic hierarchy that is starting to emerge. However brightly the current fires blaze—and they’re certainly going to blaze brightly indeed—I think the future is already set.

Okay, that takes care of the Catholics. What about the Jews? My thinking about the Jews springs from a single article in the New York Times, “The West Bank Model Is a Failure”, a remarkably even-handed—and all the more damning for being so—account of all the faults of Israeli domestic policies as they affect Palestinians living on the West Bank. What makes this article remarkable is that it was written by Marty Peretz.

Ninety-nine percent of the American people have no idea who Marty Peretz is,3 but for the one percent who do, Marty’s name is definitely one to conjure with. For decades, Marty was the owner-publisher of the New Republic, perhaps the most famous intellectual journal in the U.S. During Marty’s long tenure, the New Republic functioned as the premiere organ of liberal neocon opinion, working against the New Left and all its works. Marty’s well-heeled arrogance and favoritism (he married an heiress but seemed to have an eye for stunning young lads) alienated everyone who didn’t make the A team.

Marty was, naturally, a vociferous supporter of the invasion of Iraq, and the multiple disasters that sprang from that corrupt enterprise helped destroy his influence among the younger generation of chin-strokers. The New Republic changed hands in 2010 and Peretz, as far as I could tell, lapsed into silence. But now he’s back, and talking about Israel as he’s never talked before. And if Israel has lost Marty, it’s lost all of American Jewry west of Orthodoxy.

The Times has published a number of articles in the past few years by American Jews deploring the ever rightward shift of Israeli policy in both religious and political affairs, leaving most American Jews feeling more and more left out. It was no secret that devotion to Israel was, in effect, a secular religion for many Jews. Now that mainstay is fading, even as the level of intermarriage of non-Orthodox Jews and non-Jews has reached 71%. Many Jews, I think, used to believe that “assimilation” was so far from being even remotely possible, however “assimilated” they might appear and behave, something so airy and light as to be a mere shadow's shadow, not worth even a moment's worry and thought. And now it seems to have happened, perhaps a decade back, while no one was looking.

But wait, there’s more bad news for the Jews: the lawsuit challenging Harvard with discriminating against Asians. However the particulars of that suit are settled, it’s a very good bet that the percentage of Asians at the Ivies is going to increase. It’s also a very good bet that the Ivies will be very, very reluctant to let the admission rates for blacks and Hispanics fall below their shares in the national population. Which means that something else will have to give, and that something else will very likely be the massive overrepresentation of Jews in those schools.

Six years ago, Ron Unz published a long study in the American Conservative, “The Myth of American Meritocracy”, accusing the Ivies of discriminating in favor of Jewish applicants and to the disadvantage of Asians. (As a Jewish graduate of Harvard, Unz was fairly well inoculated against charges of favoritism.) According to Unz’s article, about 25% of undergraduate students in the Ivies were Jewish, even though Jews constitute only about 2% of the total U.S. population. Asians constitute perhaps 5.6% of the population. In coming years, we’re likely to see the Asians take over as the “brains” of America. This will be softened by extensive intermarriage, but it will be noticeable. Without Harvard or Israel, where will America’s Jews turn?4

The real support for Israel among American voters, it seems, will rest almost entirely with the Evangelicals, who have their own troubles, #MeToo, of course, but even worse is the split caused by Donald Trump, who is giving the evangelicals more than anyone ever gave them, for a very ugly price. As a convinced secularist who does not believe any supernatural value system can ultimately sustain itself,5 I think it likely that “conscience evangelicals”, who have the stomach to see Trump as he is, will inevitably find themselves drawn away from religion towards secular liberalism, and the “true believers” who remain will grow inevitably more corrupt.

It isn’t emphasized enough how much the wrath of the Moral Majority and the other politicized evangelical groups that emerged in the 1970s was prompted by the ever-increasing efforts of the federal government to enforce the desegregation of southern schools, particularly the decision in the Carter Administration by the IRS to deny tax-exempt status to de facto segregated private schools, something Ronald Reagan promised to undo. Once Reagan was elected, one of the favorite causes of evangelicals was maintenance of good relations with our anti-communist and pro-apartheid pals in South Africa.6 While the moral fervor of many evangelicals was, and is, impressive, and touching, the intellectual substance of the faith has always been painfully thin. True believers had best prepared for a bumpy ride.

Only a month or two before the latest wave of revelations of sex abuse in the Church began to break, Ross, perhaps a little swept away by a “fabulous” Catholic-themed Metropolitan Museum of Art gala, sighed “Make Catholicism Weird Again”. I wonder if he’s still longing for the incense and bells. ↩︎

I am by background a secularized Protestant, but I’ve never believed in God and have never regretted it. Passionate atheists who “hate” religion bore me, but believers are likely to bore me even more. ↩︎

Word can’t even spell his name, which must pain Marty just a little, for he certainly fancied himself an important man. ↩︎

I believe it was Marty Peretz (or perhaps Irving Kristol or Norman Podhoretz) who “shocked” Gore Vidal by dismissing the American Civil War as “ancient history”. Asians will certainly have their own perspective. ↩︎

This doesn’t mean that Islam is going to resolve itself into a dew any time soon. A century from now, there will probably as many Muslims as there is now. ↩︎

Reagan was not pro-segregation, but he was very much pro-segregationist. He hated the American civil rights movement and had to be talked out of his instinctive support for the white supremacists in South Africa, who were, of course, anti-communist, which for Reagan the only thing that really counted. It’s to Reagan’s credit that he let himself be talked out of supporting apartheid, but far more to the credit of those who talked him out of it. ↩︎

#Catholic Church #American Jews #Marty Peretz #evangelicals

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jonathanbelloblog · 7 years ago

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First Drive: 2019 Porsche 911 GT3 RS

NÜRBURG, Germany — A flimsy air fence is the only thing separating my borrowed Porsche 911 GT3 RS from the baddest-ass racetrack on earth. The proximity is so tempting, you could hardly blame me for my smoldering fantasy to ditch the Nürburgring’s sterile Grand Prix circuit and hit the hallowed Nordschleife, unfettering all 512 horses on the forest-lined über track.

I’m officially here to test Porsche’s newest RS model, but given the new Porsche’s large-scale aspirations, the Grand Theft Auto-style “What if?” becomes an irresistible reverie. The 690-hp 911 GT2 RS that plays big brother to the GT3 RS is the reigning king of the ’Ring, with a blazing lap time of 6 minutes, 47.25 seconds, but the non-turbo GT3 RS, the most powerful normally aspirated 911 ever, is only nine seconds behind the twin-turbo range-topper. With a lap time of 6:56.4, it’s a shocking 22 seconds quicker than its predecessor and holds the third-quickest production car ’Ring lap in history, ranking on top of the late, great, 887-hp 918 Spyder. Only the GT2 RS and Lamborghini Huracan Performante (6:52.01) have gone quicker here. Strange days, indeed.

Comprehending the essence of the new GT3 RS requires a bit of mechanical context. Though this squat, big-winged, NACA-ducted and vented track rat bears more than a passing resemblance to the GT2 RS, its philosophical intent diverges significantly. Both cars fall under the lightweight RS (rennsport) category, claiming Porsche’s most aggressive, motorsports-derived engineering which gives it more in common with a purpose-built Cup car than a roadgoing passenger car. In fact, the GT3 RS produces 20 more horsepower than its race counterpart. Unlike the track car, the street model also packs niceties like air conditioning and a front axle lift system. But while both are configured with a purist-satisfying rear-drive layout, the GT2 RS saunters with a bit more exclamatory swagger.

“We have [customers] that are into GT cars because they like the intimacy, the immediacy of the cars,” explains GT line director Andreas Preuninger. “But there is a certain clientele for turbo and non-turbo engines. Some GT customers love the turbo punch—this animal, this King Kong car—and that’s the definitely the GT2 RS. The GT3 RS is used more as a track tool, a sport instrument. It’s more purposeful.”

The mechanical differences beyond forced induction are incremental. The GT2 RS carries some 66 more pounds at the tail not just because of its massive variable-geometry turbines, but because the exhaust headers must act as a load-bearing element for the turbos and thus are constructed of cast iron for strength and improved heat dissipation. Damping rates are modified, and the four-wheel steering calibration is custom tuned for weight distribution. An overall philosophy of weight reduction is shared across both platforms, and track-focused hardware includes a rear-seat delete, carbon-fiber body panels, fully adjustable suspension with ball joints, and an adjustable rear wing and removable front diffuser that can create up to 1,100 pounds of downforce at 186 mph. A Weissach package adds further featherweight carbon bodywork, carbon anti-roll bars and coupling rods, and magnesium wheels.

To Preuninger’s point, the GT3 RS does indeed feel purposeful as it rumbles out of pit lane and onto the GP circuit. Grip the Alcantara wheel and bury the pedal, and the engine winds its way upward on a long-winded, 9,000-rpm trajectory. Unlike the GT2 RS, which emits unapologetically turbocharged wheezes, whirs, and burbles, the naturally aspirated engine explores its powerband with a linear, predictable escalation. Squeeze the six-piston carbon ceramic brakes, and there’s a deep well of stopping power available; do so gently though, because here on the slightly damp track, progressive inputs are key to going fast, as evidenced by hot laps with none other than rally and race legend Walter Röhrl and Formula 1/LMP1 veteran Mark Webber. But while the smoothness of the pros inspires awe and confidence from the passenger seat, the effect is eerily mirrored from behind the wheel as well. Unlike my GT2 RS experience at Portimão, which also involved a dash of inclement weather (and admittedly a heavier downpour), the organic relationship between the non-boosted engine and wet tarmac is relatable enough to encourage relatively aggressive driving.

Cornering is an equally facile trick: turn-in with a progressive tug of the wheel, and the 3,153-pound car obeys submissively. There’s no four-wheel steer-induced exaggeration, no fat anywhere in the connection between the steering wheel and the Michelin Pilot Sport Cup 2 R tires—which has something to do with the rubber, but a lot more to do with the rear axle. Equipped with Porsche Torque Vectoring Plus (PTV), the electronic rear differential stabilizes the tail under hard braking and enhances front-end grip. The sensation of intense front-end bite is absent in manual transmission-equipped non-RS GT3s, which lack the PTV function; here, the turn-in is prescient, enabling enough entry speed to egg on the driver and hit corners harder. Though this test car is setup for less aero (producing only 317 pounds of downforce at 186 mph), there’s still a palpable sense of preternatural grip in higher-speed corners, aided by the sticky Michelins. The effect is noticeable enough that, finally after several confidence-inspiring laps, I can finally experience some tire scrub and slip in lower-speed corners. But it isn’t terrifying.

In fact, the GT3 RS approaches its limits with a level of obedience that makes the whole package just make sense. The PDK responds with near-instantaneity, and its own internal shift logic in automatic mode is eerily proper. And yet you’re still probably wondering, why not offer a manual gearbox on this otherwise analog-oriented sports car? “We could have done it,” Preuninger says, “but we want to be hygienic about what we make as an option, and it has to fit this car character-wise. This is a rennsport; it’s a track tool. People want to be fast, and with a manual against a PDK, the PDK would gain on it even on a short straight.” Okay, we get it. But to drive the point home, he adds, “Tell me one race car besides a NASCAR that shifts manually these days.”

Despite the supernaturally quick shifting, I see that while I’m clearly not on pace with Röhrl and Webber, the GT3 RS somehow manages to feel connected to my intentions in a deep and manageable way that the GT2 RS didn’t. Then again, full disclosure regarding my experience with the GT2 RS at Portimão: When asked, some four months later, about its tendency to rotate quickly mid-corner, Preuninger reveals that “Portimão was sub-optimal; the mechanics weren’t good about getting the tire pressures right. The cars went out with too much pressure at the rear, which made the cars harder to drive.” He goes on to say the rears should have been set at 2.4 bar, not 2.6 (the fronts were at 2.0). Fair enough; maybe the turbocharged car is, at its core, more drivable than I experienced. But the GT3 RS, despite its (nearly) equally stratospheric performance levels, feels far more approachable than you might expect.

Session two on the track reveals more … well, everything. With a better understanding of the short course’s 10 right and seven left turns, the GT3 RS exudes an easy athletic ability that enables it to be pushed harder, and respond with even more physical prowess. Up the pace, and everything just seems to amplify: the braking capacity, the turning ability, the acceleration. It’s almost video game-like, except for the fact that the engine, whose intuitive responsiveness encourages a finer line to be drawn at that crucial limit when you lay on the throttle coming out of a corner. Unlike the torrent of torque on-hand with the GT2 RS, the GT3 RS feels like a dragon that’s more tame-able, one that won’t spit fire in your face if you dip the pedal a few millimeters too far.

After a rocking, rollicking, and an all-too-brief double stint on the GP circuit, I wheel the GT3 RS back into pit lane, exhilarated and intrigued by the depths of its talents, of which I’ve barely scraped the surface. Does the Nordschleife hold the same allure as it did when I first strapped into this 512 horsepower two-seater? With a juicy 3.2-mile filet within arm’s reach, maybe I don’t covet the 12.9-mile side of beef quite so compulsively. But then again, it sure would be nice to try.

2019 Porsche 911 GT3 RS Specifications

ON SALE Now PRICE $188,550 (base) ENGINE 4.0L DOHC 24-valve flat-6/512 hp @ 8,250 rpm, 346 lb-ft @ 6,000 rpm TRANSMISSION 7-speed dual-clutch automatic LAYOUT 2-door, 2-passenger, rear-engine, RWD coupe EPA MILEAGE N/A L x W x H 179.4 x 77.87 x 51.06 in WHEELBASE 96.57 in WEIGHT 3,153 lb 0-60 MPH 3.0 sec TOP SPEED 193 mph

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#IFTTT #Performance Junk Blogger Feed 4

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hotspreadpage · 7 years ago

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6 Content Marketing Ideas to Steal From the Awards Finalists of 2017

You’ve almost certainly heard this quote: “Good artists copy. Great artists steal.” But do you know who said it?

Turns out, a lot of people. Steve Jobs attributed it to Pablo Picasso. A quick Google search shows variations attributed to many thinkers of varying levels of fame, including:

Igor Stravinsky – “A good composer does not imitate; he steals.”

William Faulkner – “Immature artists copy, great artists steal.”

T.S. Eliot – “The immature poet imitates and the mature poet plagiarizes.”

Clearly, you’ll be in good company if you “steal” the content marketing ideas in this column. In fact, it’s becoming a tradition (and some might say a stolen idea) for CMI to offer cool tips gathered from some of the hottest marketing talents in the business. This year we steal from the Content Marketer of the Year finalists.

Of course, keep in mind this explanation of what Jobs really meant as interpreted by Apple exec Phil Schiller:

Great people actually understand at a deeper level what makes something great and then … build something even more marvelous and take it further.

Great people understand what makes something great & then build something even more marvelous. @pschiller Click To Tweet

With a hat tip to Andrea Fryrear, who wrote the original articles profiling the CMY finalists, here are six stolen ideas to inspire you to build something marvelous – and uniquely your own.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: 22 Examples From Brands (and Marketers) That are Winning at Content Marketing

Tear down the gates – except when they provide value to the visitor

Stolen from: Paul Horstmeier, Health Catalyst

Most of us who’ve worked in B2B marketing have been there. We design our content initiatives based on an audience-first approach. But organizational pressure to feed the lead-gen beast rises. Suddenly, the temptation (and push) to throw a lead-gen form on top of your best content becomes real.

Knowing his health-care audience is highly skeptical of anything that seems like marketing, though, Paul Horstmeier realized a traditional lead-gen approach wouldn’t work. Instead, he tore down every email gate except the ones that serve a helpful purpose for visitors.

.@PaulHorstmeier tore down #email gates & turned @HealthCatalyst into trusted brand. @KimMoutsos Click To Tweet

I love this way of thinking about gated content – it simplifies the decision and puts the audience first. Paul and the team only gate content when registration enables Health Catalyst to provide something (other than the content piece) the audience would want. For example, a person registering for a webinar needs to receive reminders and sign-in instructions – entering an email address makes that possible. Similarly, trading an email address for one of Health Catalyst’s regularly updated e-books allows the reader to receive email notifications of the latest version.

Ask yourself: Does this gated content benefit our audience? (Hint: Sales outreach following a content download likely isn’t an audience benefit unless the person asked to be contacted.)

Sales outreach following a #content download likely isn’t an audience benefit, says @KimMoutsos. Click To Tweet

Use pop-ups to offer reading suggestions

Stolen from: Paul Horstmeier, Health Catalyst

When you’re not pushing sign-ups, surprising things can happen. This second idea stolen from Paul comes with a great payoff: Use the oft-derided pop-up to offer content suggestions rather than to gather email addresses.

.@HealthCatalyst uses pop-ups to offer content suggestions. Don’t ask for email addresses via @KimMoutsos. Click To Tweet

Health Catalyst content creators are required to list five existing content pieces related to the newly created content – it’s a step in the pre-publication workflow. That way, every new piece can point the audience to more content that may be useful.

Does it take longer to build an email list this way? Possibly. But when you get comments like this from your head of sales (as Paul did), you know you’re doing things right:

I don’t know what you’re doing, but something is different. People are coming to the first meeting ready and prepared. I’ve never seen anything like it.

Ask yourself: How can we help our visitors consuming their first piece of content find more information about what they’re interested in?

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT:

Bingeable Content: How to Move Buyers Through Your Sales Cycle Faster

17 No-Cost Ways Writers Can Extend Reach of Their Editorial

Make friends with your sales team to learn about your audience (including names and phone numbers)

Stolen from: Kira Mondrus, SecureWorks

This tip inspired by Kira Mondrus’ work is a two in one.

First, if you’re not collaborating with your sales team, you’re overlooking some great potential partners. Second, if you want to really understand your audience, you’ve got to talk with them, preferably one on one.

Collaborate w/ your sales team to really understand your audience, preferably one on one, says @KimMoutsos. Click To Tweet

In her quest to pivot SecureWorks marketing from brand-focused to audience-focused, Kira sat down with the best salespeople on the team and asked three questions:

Who do you communicate with?

Who are the champions?

Where are objections coming from?

Then, she and her team interviewed the people mentioned to learn their questions and needs. The information gathered fueled audience personas and journey maps to power “a perpetual demand-generation engine” based on a new website.

Commit to #contentmarketing with personas, journey maps, & useful attribution data @KiraMondrus. Click To Tweet

In 2018, the CMI editorial team will be stealing Kira’s idea to find out more about a segment of our audience by conducting phone interviews to supplement our research and analytics data.

Ask yourself: Do we have enough direct knowledge of our audience to create personas and journey maps? Could we be more effective if we knew more about the people we want to reach?

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT:

How to Adopt a Customer-Centric Strategy for Your Content

Wonder What Content to Create? Try a Customer-Journey Map [Template]

Look beyond the content team to improve content processes

Stolen from: Drew Bailey, FedEx

If you work in a large enterprise, you know one of the toughest challenges is simply keeping everyone on the same page about goals, responsibilities, and results.

What to do about it? Hire someone with expertise in setting up systems and processes to keep everyone aligned with goals, priorities, tasks, and results.

This tip isn’t so much about stealing an idea from Drew Bailey, it’s stealing the very idea of a Drew Bailey – a person who has project management expertise and not necessarily content experience.

Improve your process with a project management expert, not necessarily a #content expert, says @KimMoutsos. Click To Tweet

Using the skills honed in IT enablement and management, Drew created a go-to-market strategy that involves all levels of the marketing team:

Vice presidents meet monthly on strategy.

Directors meet every few weeks to measure progress toward goals.

Go-to-market team and channel leads (the people who create the content) meet regularly to share ideas and A-B test learnings.

One A-B test revealed a simple image change increased conversions by 20 to 30%, says @skinnydude06. @FedEx Click To Tweet

This new setup facilitated better communication and processes, which helped FedEx eliminate redundancy and waste in its content efforts. And it didn’t take a “content person” to do it.

After all, content marketers are far from the only ones who face these struggles. And, given the popularity of Agile marketing, it’s not much of a surprise to find helpful skills in the IT world.

Ask yourself: What skills do we need to solve our content process challenges? How much does it matter if a person with those skills is new to the content world?

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT:

10 Content Marketing Roles for the Next 10 Years

Experts Talk Content Workflow Challenges, Bottlenecks, and Solutions

Get buy-in (with a timeline) for audience building

Stolen from: Monica Norton, Zendesk

You might wonder why buy-in shows up on this list of stolen ideas. Well, as many of us know, there’s buy-in and then there’s buy-in. Sometimes what the marketing leader hears as buy-in for audience building turns out to be buy-in for something closer to lead-gen campaigns. (Not that there’s anything wrong with lead-gen campaigns – they’re just a different animal.)

If you’re worried about what kind of buy-in you have, take a page out of Monica Norton’s book and go straight to the top. Before she accepted the mission to take on Zendesk’s content marketing, Monica interviewed the CEO to make sure they saw eye-to-eye on things like a long-term commitment to audience building.

Get real buy-in. Make sure execs and #content creators are on the same page, says @KimMoutsos. Click To Tweet

Having that shared understanding led Monica to run with the one year she was given to create Relate, a lightly branded online publication, and an in-person event. Despite focusing on consumption metrics before conversion, Relate now attracts more than 40,000 monthly visitors and boasts an email database of 10,000 (more than two-thirds of which is new to Zendesk).

The only way to build an audience rapidly is to create a site totally about them, says @monicalnorton. Click To Tweet

But Monica isn’t resting on these audience-building results, Zendesk is creating a podcast and an annual print magazine.

Sound familiar? Monica’s approach echoes CMI founder Joe Pulizzi’s long-stated advice to publish one content type on one platform consistently over time before tackling more.

Publish one #content type on one platform consistently over time before tackling more, says @joepulizzi. Click To Tweet

Ask yourself: How can we make sure our brand’s leaders understand and agree with the mission and timeline for the content initiative we want to launch or expand?

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT:

The One Ingredient Your Content Marketing Program Is Missing

How to Win Your Battle for Content Marketing Buy-in [50+ Stats]

Pick the format that best suits the story

Stolen from: Paolo Mottola, REI

If you believe the surveys and statistics, everybody loves video and marketers are all planning to up the video content in their arsenals.

But before we get too carried away, take this simple tip from Content Marketer of the Year finalist Paolo Mottola: “You have to be honest and see how visual the subject will be and if motion is the best way to get the story out there.”

If it is, that’s great, move forward with the video. If not, deliver the story in the format it fits best – an infographic, a photo series, or a long-form article. The Co-op Journal, REI’s online publication, delivers on those content formats as shown below.

You have to be honest. Deliver stories in their best format, not the most popular format, says @paolojr. Click To Tweet

At REI, Paolo’s team produces all these formats. It just so happens that the REI’s Expert Advice Library, which features three- to five-minute videos, is the company’s most popular content hub.

Ask yourself: What format best suits the story we’re planning to tell? Do we have enough visual ideas, material, and resources to support video?

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT:

How to Use How-To Content to Create and Retain Loyal Customers

5 Types of Video Content Perfect for Each Stage of the Customer Journey

Is everything old new again?

Some of these ideas may sound familiar – and they should (remember that opening adage about how great artists/composers/content marketers steal?). Think of it as confirmation these tried-and-true strategies and tactics really do work.

Which ideas will you steal? We’d love to hear how you end up making them your own.

Editor’s note: A special thanks to Ardath Albee who scoured the planet for the best-of-the-best content marketers. She was instrumental in helping us find our 2017 Content Marketer of the Year finalists.

Get a ton of ideas to steal from the presenters at the Intelligent Content Conference March 20-22 in Las Vegas. Register today.

Cover image by Joseph Kalinowski/Content Marketing Institute

The post 6 Content Marketing Ideas to Steal From the Awards Finalists of 2017 appeared first on Content Marketing Institute.

6 Content Marketing Ideas to Steal From the Awards Finalists of 2017 syndicated from http://ift.tt/2maPRjm

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lucyariablog · 7 years ago

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How to Deliver Emails That Will Increase Reach, Impact, and Subscriber Satisfaction

Editor’s note: Because email marketing continues to be one of the most used and most effective cornerstones of content marketing, Jodi Harris updated her 2015 article.

Think of a well-executed email strategy as the backbone of a successful content marketing program. It’s an essential structure that supports your various content efforts and is the best technique for building a subscriber base – which is critical for achieving value from your content marketing program.

Just how important is the email channel? Consider this: 93% of B2B marketers report using email to distribute their content, according to CMI/MarketingProf’s B2B Content Marketing: 2018 Benchmarks, Budgets and Trends—North America research. And, perhaps even more importantly, 74% of marketers who use email consider it to be the most effective distribution channel for their content.

But, just like most things in the world of content marketing, email is not a set-it-and-forget-it tactic. Media trends, informational needs, and consumption preferences evolve; and people change careers, upgrade their devices, develop new interests, and discover new obsessions. If you aren’t prepared to maintain the effectiveness of your email content to ensure that your experience is always viewed as fresh, useful, and personally relevant, your once essential resource can transform into a fly-like nuisance that won’t stop buzzing in your reader’s inbox – keeping it from performing to its full potential.

Email is not a set-it-and-forget-it tactic, says @joderama. #emailmarketing Click To Tweet

If you are looking to evaluate the fitness of your email content, CMI’s original 7-Minute Email Workout infographic is a great quick-start guide on how to test the strength of your e-newsletters and fine-tune your delivery strategies at all levels of experience – beginner, intermediate, and advanced.

Please include attribution to contentmarketinginstitute.com with this graphic. <a href=’http://contentmarketinginstitute.com/2015/08/email-workout’><img src=’http://contentmarketinginstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/CMI_Email-FINAL-Infographic_7.23.15.jpg’ alt=’7-minute Email Marketing Workout’ width=’997px’ border=’0′ /></a>

Of course, it never hurts to go the extra mile when it comes to enhancing the impact and performance of your email efforts. Here, I revisit my original article on the topic and add some fresh tips and takeaways from a few of CMI’s most trusted email experts. I also share some new examples to inspire you to branch out and get creative in how you use this channel to build and maintain your vital audience relationships.

Build a strong list

Your email content won’t do your business any good if you aren’t reaching the right people – or reaching enough of them to drive your content marketing strategy forward. Fortunately, there are plenty of techniques at content marketers’ disposal when it comes to attracting consumers who will be delighted by your email offerings.

Your email content won’t do your business any good if you aren’t reaching the right people, says @joderama. Click To Tweet

As Aaron Orendorff explains, email list-building techniques typically fall into one of three main categories:

Options – exclusive content offers, forms, and various types of button ads to tempt readers to opt in to hear from you regularly

On-site techniques – landing pages, pop-ups, and other types of sign-up notifications to alert your site visitors to your subscriber-only assets

Off-site techniques – Social media fans and followers can join your subscriber list without having to interrupt their social experience on sites like Twitter, Facebook, or Medium.

The most profitable online click is subscribe, says @iconicontent. #contentmarketing Click To Tweet

For more details on each of these techniques, check out Aaron’s visual checklist:

Example: Salesforce’s sign-up forms

Salesforce takes a multistage approach to build its email lists. For instance, it initially attracts blog subscribers with a simple two-field form that clearly outlines what they are opting to receive:

The company also uses more detailed forms that require additional audience information in exchange for higher-value assets, such as its industry reports. The longer forms provide additional marketing benefits for Salesforce. They are used as a preliminary step toward customer qualification (i.e., identifying high-quality leads) and help the company to better tailor its outreach to the needs of individual consumers.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: Setting Content Free: How Health Catalyst Gets Results With Ungated Content

Craft meaningful, compelling messages

Once your subscriber list is filled with consumers eager to hear from your business, you need to take steps to ensure that they like what they receive. Sujan Patel reminds us that this boils down to creating email content that your recipients will want to read. Of course, this means your content needs to be well-written and focused on their interests (rather than your company’s); it also means you must deliver on the promises made to your email subscribers – including publishing on a consistent, reliable basis, and avoiding unwanted surprises and not bombarding them with content they opted out of receiving.

To make sure all your bases are covered, follow Sujan’s top recommendations summarized below:

Only send emails when you have something of value to say.

Keep your messages simple, focused, and concise.

Write great copy – or hire a professional writer to do it.

Go easy on sales-y messages.

Allow subscribers to customize the types and frequency of the messages they receive.

Invest in creating a well-thought-out design that will grab your readers’ attention from the get-go.

#Emailmarketing tip: Allow subscribers to customize type & frequency of message, says @SujanPatel. Click To Tweet

Example: The 21-Day Self-Care Challenge

Nonprofit organization Move to End Violence issued a challenge to its audience members to become more impactful and strategic change agents by incorporating sustainable, mindful practices – like exercising self-care – into their everyday lives. According to the website, what started out as a short-term email campaign that invited social change-minded activists to receive one self-care tip a day for 21 days became a wildly popular ongoing content initiative – helping to grow Move to End’s email database from 400 to 11,000 subscribers in just over a year.

Segment your list for increased relevance and impact

As a smart marketer, you surely recognize how important it is to create content that targets a particular persona – the audience member who will benefit most from the insights you plan to share. This is particularly true for email content, given how discerning today’s consumers are when it comes to allowing marketers to penetrate the inner sanctum of their inboxes. Remember, as CMI founder Joe Pulizzi always says, if your content is meant for everybody, it won’t end up benefiting anybody.

If your #content is meant for everybody, it won’t end up benefiting anybody, says @joepulizzi. Click To Tweet

By segmenting your subscribed audience by known interests and communication preferences, you can deliver an email experience that’s more personally resonant as well as relevant – something that, according to Andrea Fryrear, will increase the likelihood that the recipient will do something with that content, such as sharing it.

Delivering #email content that's resonant will increase likelihood the recipient will share it. @andreafryrear Click To Tweet

How do you gather the insights you’ll need to accurately characterize and categorize your email subscribers? Andrea recommends asking a few targeted questions at the start of your subscriber sign-up process to gauge their top priorities and engagement preferences:

How often would you like to receive emails from us? Daily? Weekly? Monthly?

What particular topics are you interested in?

What kinds of content interest you the most? Text? Video? Infographics?

Example: Eventbrite

According to Eventbrite’s Mark Walker, the company recently updated its newsletter to personalize event picks based on the recipient’s stated preferences and order history. Not only does this technique increase the likelihood that recipients will find Eventbrite’s content to be relevant, the emails are algorithmically generated – so they can easily scale to target all subscribers regardless of how they are segmented.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: How User Segmentation Really Works in Content Marketing

Surprise and delight your recipients

Once you incorporate segmenting capabilities into your email program, you can adjust your email content in all sorts of ways – including how you get your messages to stand out from all the other emails your subscribers receive on a given day.

For instance, as Mathew Sweezey points out in his presentation at Content Marketing World 2016, your subject line and sender details (prime email real estate) are the only pieces of information readers have to quickly determine if an email is worthy of their attention. As such, he recommends customizing this valuable bit of real estate to speak to the recipient’s current stage in the buying process. Here are his guidelines for achieving this:

Stage 1: This audience is asking generic questions. They may not even know the keywords in that space. If they see a vendor’s name in the prime email real estate, they know the email is from a marketer. In the prime email real estate, don’t include keywords or brand names.

Stage 2: This audience is looking for social proof to support their research. Use the subject line to give them ammunition to get support from others. In the prime email real estate, use a keyword or brand name, but not both.

Stage 3: This audience wants to be assured that they have researched all the viable options before they make a decision. In the prime real estate, use a keyword and brand name.

Subject line and sender details are prime #email real estate – make them count, advises @msweezey. Click To Tweet

Example: Xerox’s Get Optimistic

When the marketing team at Xerox was looking for a way to differentiate its messaging from its numerous competitors, the big, audacious idea it came up with was optimism. It started a biweekly email campaign targeted to CIOs called Get Optimistic, which provided a look at the future of technology, business, and the world through an optimistic lens. This e-newsletter quickly grew in popularity, leading the marketing team to expand it into a full-fledged print and digital content initiative – Chief Optimist Magazine – which has reportedly helped the company generate over 1,000 new sales appointments and more than $1 billion in pipeline revenue.

Nurture your subscribers on an ongoing basis

Email newsletters may be one of the best ways to build and communicate with your target audience, but, as Gini Dietrich pointed out during CMI’s ContentTECH virtual event, there’s a potential flaw to consider: “New subscribers only see your new emails. They don’t see anything that came before it.”

To quickly help your subscribers – new and old, alike – get better acquainted with the value your business provides, consider creating an email drip campaign. As Stephanie Stahl explains, a drip campaign is a progression of pre-written marketing emails sent automatically on a set schedule or directly triggered when a reader takes an action – like signing up for an e-book on a particular topic, or registering to attend a conference or webinar your business is hosting. Below are some of the forms this useful technique can take:

By crafting a series of messages customized to address a topic or purpose, marketers can nurture their subscriber relationships and increasingly earn their trust. However, Gini cautions, unless you are certain the subscriber data is accurate, you need to be careful about using it to personalize an email. “Good personalization can help you convert. Bad personalization will actually kill your efforts,” she warns.

Good personalization can help you convert. Bad personalization will kill your efforts, says @ginidietrich. Click To Tweet

Example: The Start-up Sales Success Email Course

CRM provider Close.io created a drip campaign to deliver a free course designed to help start-ups get better at sales. At the bottom of the first email, a testimonial from someone already enrolled in that same course is included. What Sujan Patel points out is that testimonial doesn’t push (or even mention) Close.io’s products. Instead, the testimonial reinforces the value of the course, consequently addressing a key question (potential objection) that subscribers are most likely to have – is the course worth continuing with?

Click to enlarge

Measure and optimize

The above tips and guidelines will take your email content efforts far. But, as Jessica Best contends, you aren’t truly ready to unlock your “email rock star” badge until you are prepared to do two things:

Accurately measure the returns on your marketing investment – not just opens and clicks

Understand how to maximize your content assets and email framework

#Email rock stars measure returns on marketing investment, not just opens and clicks, says @bestofjess. Click To Tweet

Jessica recommends calculating email return on marketing investment (ROMI) by taking the amount of revenue a campaign generated, subtracting your expenses for creating and delivering that campaign, and dividing the result by your expenses. (She also suggests visiting the email marketing ROI website for a simple calculation tool that comes in handy for this task.)

Once you understand your baseline email ROMI, Jessica offers the following high-impact ideas for optimizing, enhancing, and amplifying your email content:

Look for ways to automate and extend the email experience, such as delivering your welcome message as a series of customer-nurturing (i.e., drip campaign) emails.

Ask for the referral: While sometimes this amounts to no more than a new subscriber or lead, it can also mean a purchase under the right circumstances.

Use motion to move your audience: Not only can including animation and relevant motion effects in emails add emotional appeal to your messages, it can drive up response rates up to threefold, according to Jessica.

Take advantage of video: While embedding a video in your email messages simply doesn’t work well in the inbox setting, there are ways to get around that. For example, you can offer text about why readers might be interested in watching and link to the full video.

Make email a two-way conversation: Use your email content to convey how receptive your company is to hearing from its audience by encouraging subscribers to ask questions and offer their feedback or even inviting them to take a detailed user survey.

Tell a great story: Even some of the most seemingly mundane of businesses can harness the creative muse and deliver an emotionally resonant experience through this marketing channel.

Example: Noodles & Company

Fast-casual restaurant Noodles & Company created a full-blown campaign to support email sign-up referrals, offering a chance to earn entries for its Travel the World sweepstakes. According to Jessica, the restaurant received almost three times the number of new email address sign-ups in one month as a result of the campaign, which also led to a 200% increase in monthly sales.

Conclusion

Don’t overlook the value that email offers for strengthening your brand’s relationship with customers and prospects. Email may no longer be a shiny new tactic on the content marketing scene, but with the right strategy and a little upkeep, it still packs a powerful punch.

Got a great email content example to share? Let us know what we’re missing out on by posting in the comments.

Join us in a conversation about improving your email marketing with Sujan Patel on Tuesday, Oct. 10 in the #CMWorld Twitter Chat – 12 p.m. US Eastern time.

Want help in improving your content marketing program every day? Sign up today for the CMI newsletter (or weekly digest.) (And feel free to give feedback on our email marketing format about what works or doesn’t work for you.)

Cover image by Joseph Kalinowski/Content Marketing Institute

The post How to Deliver Emails That Will Increase Reach, Impact, and Subscriber Satisfaction appeared first on Content Marketing Institute.

from http://contentmarketinginstitute.com/2017/10/emails-reach-subscriber-satisfaction/

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romancevsreality-blog · 7 years ago

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vanderpump rules, season six, episode fourteen: caution - feminism ahead

Every single episode I wonder how they’re going to top the generic musical intros they use on this show, but here we are - this week, it’s simply “na, na, na, nah, nah.” Also known as, my approach to writing this blog lately!

Apologies. I’ve gone through a lot in the last few months. I’m back, I promise. Just in time for the finale, of course!

OF COURSE.

We start in West Hollywood in Tom and Ariana’s apartment, where Ariana is dreading going to hair removal. Ariana is teaching Tom the basic essentials to hair removal, and Sandoval is straight up shocked you don’t roll up there with a full bush and they just buzz through it like some kind of laser lawn mower. No, you have to be fully shaved, closely shaved, so they can access the hair follicle more easily. If they could superimpose an NBC “The More You Know” rainbow over this entire scene, that would be fantastic.

Ariana’s working on body positivity and #embracinghervagina, but it’s a slow process of both undoing that hatred and gaining some sense of self-love there. Hopefully one day she’ll love her vagina as much as she should. Sandoval loved their trip to Vegas because it was like, an adult trip - he wasn’t black out drunk the entire time, just like, 75% of the time. Who cares if Lisa had to kick Tom and Tom out of a meeting because they were out of control and being annoying? Not Sandoval! He showed up, and that’s what matters. I wonder how Tom pays his rent with the brownie points he’s getting.

Over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, the Generic Music cue is “Oh, Superstitilous”.

Can someone. Tell me. What “Superstitilous” means.

I cannot think of a sentence where I would need to combine “superstitious” and “delicious” into one word. I literally have tried to for the last hour. Like, maybe if it’s the Boston Marathon or something and you’re eating pasta? “This pasta is so superstitilous, I hope it brings me good luck tomorrow.”

I’m trying, y’all.

DJ James Kennedy, CBE, and Raquel, his squeak-toy-turned-girlfriend, are over at Sexy Unique Restaurant. James is putting on a jacket because his father is coming by and he wants to give off the vibe of being Very Smart. James, a jacket can only do so much for you. It’s his dad’s first time coming to visit after getting divorced frrom his mother, and his father is just as much of a British stereotype as you can think of. His dad is a less attractive Robbie Coltrane1 with worse teeth. He’s wearing sunglasses that can only be described as Creepy Manager Chic, and a baseball cap and a black polo.

It’s like they yanked him straight out of 24 Hour Party People2. We’re reminded that James was surrounded by music growing up - not only did his dad manage George Michael, but he was a DJ himself. He is also a grown man wearing an ear cuff.

James’ dad has no idea what his son’s drink of choice is, or that James cannot drink while on the job. James said his dad isn’t a bad influence, he just doesn’t understand why James can’t work and drink at the same time. Raquel continues to be like “if Lisa catches you with a drink, you’re donzo.” Speaking of, Lisa arrives for this week’s contracted meddling. She talks with Billie Lee, and then talks to James and his dad. Ken’s known Andreas (James’s dad), forever, but Lisa only knows him through George Michael, she’s keen to remind us.

Scheana and Lala3 meet with Brittany at Hooters, where they’re celebrating Jax’s 83rd birthday. He claims it’s his 38th, but we all know the truth. He’s not fooling anyone. Brittany knows she’s better than doing anything for Jax, let alone throw him a birthday party, but you know what? She’s all in on this relationship with this philanderer. Stassi, Schwartz, and Katie all arrive, shocked they’re downtown... but Hooters might be the only reason they’ll ever go downtown. Fuck Jax.

Stassi reminds us that when she broke up with Jax, she all but dug her key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive and carved her name into his leather seats, but she can’t judge Brittany for coping in her own way. Jax calls this the perfect birthday party for his inner child, because there’s nothing better than going to Hooters. My only experiences with Hooters have been this show and that episode of The Office, so I can’t confirm or deny this.

Stassi’s complaining about having big boobs, and how girls with small boobs will never know the pain of underboob sweat. As someone who’s new to the entire concept of having boobs, this is very true. It’s actually awful, and kind of gross. Katie can hold a pencil under her boobs, Stassi can hold an entire pack of rats. I can’t, and as someone who was thrilled she couldn’t hold a pencil case between her thighs, I’ll just go along with their entire thing here.

RealDoll Scheana takes Jax aside and confronts him about what Kristen told her Jax said about her and Rob. Rob says he loves RealDoll Scheana, but he’s not in love with her yet - even though she is, and she’s planning their entire life together down to the pillow shams they’ll have in the lake house. Rob may tell Scheana he loves her, but Jax was told something different. Scheana can’t imagine that this is true. There’s so much meaning behind not telling your significant other you love them every time you say goodbye.

Delusion, by Scheana Shay.

She knows they’re going to get married - sure, it’s not as quickly as she’d like it to be, but they’re going to. How does she know this? Does Rob know this? For once, Jax is in the right, and y’all know how much I hate it when that happens. He’s just trying to bring Scheana back down to Earth because she’s looking at her entire life through her Instagram feed. If she can project perfection4 to everyone else, eventually that’ll become true. She’s trying to The Secret her entire life. As someone who tries not to fuck with the universe and tries not to put things out there that can come back to me later5, even I know at a certain point it’s out of my control. Scheana hasn’t, clearly.

Peter asks Brittany how it feels to be back at Hooters, and she’s happy to be there. Ariana, with a mouth full of chicken, is like, “it’s so nice of Jax to take us to church on his birthday.” Ariana remains my favorite.Sandoval and Tom have gotten Jax a gift - a male romper. I’m guessing this was that time last summer that romphims were shocking the world, and honestly, there’s nothing wrong with it? I never understood why it was such a big deal. I mean, guys don’t even have to get naked to pee in their rompers. They should be much more of a staple in men’s attire than women’s.

Oh god, am I defending rompers?

The next day, Stassi and Billie Lee are headed to Kristen and Carter’s apartment, and Billie swears she’s not an alcoholic. Billie Lee immediately greets them with gluten-free vegan brownies and bread and she was doing so good up until this moment. Do not walk into my house with gluten-free vegan anything. Stassi loves Billie Lee. I did too, at one time. Apparently, Jeremy, Ariana’s brother, asked Billie Lee out on a date. Kristen and Stassi are skeptical and want to make sure it’s in public because Jeremy’s a creep.

Or so they think.

Jeremy’s kind of a creep and a lingerer, and at Schwartz and Katie’s wedding got a little too drunk and handsy, making Stassi uncomfortable. Kristen hopes he’s not just trying to fuck Jeremy, and Billie Lee’s like “Uh, that’s what I want.” As soon as she says that, they’re like, “oh, well, that’s okay.” It’s fine if a dude creeps you out if you want to fuck him, I guess? Billie Lee’s nervous now, however. I don’t blame her.

Scheana and Brittany6 are at BBCM for brunch, and Brittany’s refusing to drink. Brittany’s happy that she cleared the air with Jax, and Scheana’s like “yeah, there’s no way what he said was true, so it’s fine.” Scheana wants Brittany to be as happy with Jax as Scheana is with Rob because Scheana is determined to make sure that Brittany stays the hell away from Jax. Scheana knows a lot of people, which has never been said without an air of malice around it. Brittany’s hoping Jax will turn into the person she fell in love with, which is hilarious.

If you’re hoping your boyfriend will just… squash part of his personality that you don’t like, Brittany, you might as well be wafting in Delusion, by Scheana Shay. Jax is abusive. End of story. Scheana texted Adam, the hot new guy at Sexy Unique Restaurant7, because he asked about Brittany. Honestly, Scheana really thinks she’s Cher Horowitz and Brittany is Tai. She wants Brittany away from Travis Birkenstock (Jax) and in the pants of literally anyone else, but hopefully Elton (Adam). I see you, Scheana.

You will never be Cher Horowitz. The closest you’ll come is American Woman, Kyle Richards’s show about her life starring Alicia Silverstone.

We’re at the site for TomTom, and Schwartz wants nothing more than to be shoveling dirt with the construction site. Schwartz, clearly not knowing where he was going, is wearing fucking sandals. Katie married a grown man who wears sandals. All the time. Who doesn’t know to wear closed-toed shoes to a construction site? Does Tom Schwartz realize that a ton of health codes require closed-toes shoes in restaurants? He’s gonna die.

Sandoval is still trying to direct the set up of the bar area, and Lisa shuts that the fuck down. Again, Sandoval thinks he’s a true partner in all of this, but what Lisa wants him to do is what she wanted him to do at Sexy Unique Restaurants - craft a cocktail menu. That’s it. Nothing else. She doesn’t want your design input or any tips on what kind of food you’d like. She literally wants Tom to go to all his favorite bars in Los Angeles, choose his favorite cocktails from there, and assemble a list.

Oh, Sandoval. You only own 5% of the restaurant. Have you been wearing Delusion, by Scheana Shay?

Queen Lala arrives at Scheana’s apartment literally dressed like a goddess, in a white two-piece outfit. She looks like a California princess and clearly, she’s just touched up her lips because they are PLUMP, girl8. Following behind is Billie Lee, and then we get some shady shots of all the photos of Rob and Scheana in Scheana’s glam room.

The producers hate Scheana so much, I love it. Billie Lee needs a drink immediately upon arrival, and the girls are all happy to comply. Scheana’s pulled a few outfits for Billie to wear on her date, and Billie tells the details of her conversation with Kristen and Stassi. Billie Lee’s skeptical because Stassi gave the implication that Jeremy will just bounce from girl to girl to girl, hoping for some kind of positive interactions. Lala and Scheana are like, “well, he’s never tried anything with us, so.”

I do want to touch base on the “Well, he never did anything to make me uncomfortable, so,” response. A broken clock is right twice a day. Sometimes people we think are good are capable of doing bad things. Sometimes people’s behavior can be interpreted differently. A part of how the #metoo movement came into being was the collective idea that these people couldn’t have done this, they were good because of [xyz]. Did we learn nothing from Spotlight? The Catholic Church protected its own, we will forever protect our own instead of listening to victims. Listen. You’ll learn something. Reexamine people and their impact. Just because someone hasn’t hurt you, doesn’t mean they’re not capable of it.

Lala is immediately riled up because Kristen and Stassi tend to say things that not only hurt feelings but affect others’ lives in the long run. Billie was excited about her date until they brought up all of those thoughts.

Everyone loves and adores Billie. Especially Lala, who loves her tits. Billie chooses a green printed romper, and she looks cute. I won’t even hate. It’s a great date outfit.

Billie and Lala go to get a drink, and Lala’s getting buzzed before going into work because she’s the fucking best. She is all of us. Lala’s there to calm Billie down before her date because Lala understands the nerves and butterflies and jitters that accompany the first date. Jeremy arrives, and Billie immediately sets her sights on setting the mood. Guys are hesitant to date her because she is trans and people talk, and Jeremy’s like, “Whatever dude, you’re a girl and you should be acknowledged as such, who cares.”

This is the correct response.

Because this show can’t introduce anyone without bringing them up again, we’re meeting DJ James Kennedy, KCMG, and his fucking dad again9. James is ordering alcoholic slushies, Andres claims that George Michael christened him and spat on him, passing along his musical powers. Is that how powers are spread? Through spit? Like a cold? Having George Michael as a godfather has made James determined to be Something. Him and Lala together. James’ dad lost everything when George Michael and he had a falling out, and now James is getting over his struggle. He cries when thinking about his dad. Somehow, I find it within me not to feel bad for him. Maybe it’s my own personal daddy shit that prevents this.10

Back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, the cast is still pretending they work there, and Lisa’s doing her obligated table greeting. Max Vanderpump-Todd got a $2,000 tip the night before, and that’s worth celebrating. Ariana’s leaving early because they’ve got a girls’ outing, and Lisa can sense that Ariana’s pissed11 about something. Ariana’s caught a whiff of what Kristen and Stassi were saying about Jeremy, and she’s upset. Scheana told this to Ariana, and Ariana can’t believe it, because he’s her brother, of course. I mean, Jeremy saved Sexy Unique Restaurant from burning down, and Lisa is endlessly thankful. She even gives him some money.

In case you didn’t know, the musical cue is “I came to get down,” so you know we’re headed to The Lion Tavern for a wild girls’ night out. Scheana and Ariana are greeted by Brittany and the rest of the girls. There are two factions - Ariana/Scheana/Lala, and Stassi & The Pussycats, but they’ve both come together because of their mutual love for Brittany. Stassi immediately asks how Ariana’s vagina was because thankfully we’re basically spared an entire scene of Ariana undergoing laser hair removal, and get like, ten seconds. Scheana immediately makes everyone uncomfortable when they’re all complimenting their own vaginas by being like “well, my boyfriend likes it, so.” Girl. Read the room. No one cares about Rob’s opinion of your vagina, they only care about yours.

Ugh, the patriarchy.

Lala brings up the Jeremy-shaped elephant in the room and calls Stassi out for trying to scare Billie Lee. Stassi claims she was being supportive, and Scheana’s like, “That’s definitely not how she took it.”

You know how I hate when Jax is right? I hate when Scheana’s right just as much.

Ariana tries to get them to bring up the wedding, and Stassi’s like, “I don’t want to hurt anyone!!!” It’s okay if she hurts people unintentionally, she just doesn’t want to do it on purpose. Scheana leaves because she’s got a curfew to return to her RealDoll box, and Katie immediately is like “IT’S MY TURN FOR CAMERA TIME.” She says that she got a lot of complaints at her wedding regarding Jeremy’s behavior, that he was even predatory. Ariana wants to snatch Katie’s wig as soon as she uses that word, and immediately defends her brother. Katie, being the ultimate in hypocrisy, tells Ariana she needs to advocate for those who can’t advocate for themselves right now. Katie is such trash because this is so pointed and so purposeful and so intended to make Ariana feel like a hypocrite. We get it, Katie, you hate Ariana and you really hate that she’s a better person than you are. Ariana reads between Katie’s lines, and Katie tries doing the plausible deniability thing and claiming Ariana misheard her. Lala comes and sits next to Ariana and tries to soothe her, but Ariana is so upset at this point that she’s seeing red.

I get why Ariana’s upset. She’s defending her family and Katie’s essentially saying she’s a bad feminist for doing so. I’m not saying Ariana’s right, and I’m definitely not saying Katie’s right. There’s a better way to handle this, but they should have known that with family involved, the emotions are heightened. Katie, you defend Schwartz’s shitty behavior constantly. Shut up. Ariana dismisses herself from the table and all the girls are like “Wait, sit down, calm down, what?” Stassi makes a false equivalency by saying Ariana can criticize Stassi all she wants under “hard truths”, yet Stassi can’t criticize Jeremy.

Because Ariana is not responsible for her brother’s behavior, and since she doesn’t know the entire story, she can only defend him. She’s not right for this. She could have listened more. But their issue is with Jeremy, not Ariana. The most feminist thing to do is to demand they hold Jeremy accountable instead of getting angry at Ariana for her brother’s bad behavior.

Over at Jax and Brittany’s apartment, Jax has a drum kit he’s showing to Tom Sandoval. Even Sandoval is like, “Man, you got spoiled for a guy who just cheated on his girlfriend.” Brittany is reinforcing bad behaviors by treating Jax like this. He’ll definitely cheat again if she continues to reward it. Tom decides to head over to Schwartz and Katie’s apartment because he needs to talk to Katie about what happened with Ariana. He calls it “complete and total bullshit”, because he’s Tom Sandoval. He’s never found a man he won’t blindly defend to the death.

Over at Katie and Tom’s, Stassi and Kristen have arrived and they’re going to make their own perfumes.

Are they making Delusion, by Scheana Shay?

Sandoval comes over and Schwartz immediately tells him to proceed with caution. Sandoval starts out and denies all of Jeremy’s behavior. Stassi and Kristen are continuing to maintain that Jeremy made them uncomfortable and Sandoval just... denies it. He literally says no, that didn't happen. He wasn't there, how would he know?

You don’t get to tell someone how they feel, Sandoval. You can’t just shoot down the way someone else feels. If multiple people are claiming to feel some kind of way about something, it might be worth inspecting. What do I know, though?

The most important part is when Stassi asks, “why would I lie about this?” When it comes to a lie, you always have to look at the side of the person who benefits from the lie. Stassi doesn’t benefit from lying about this, and neither do the millions of women who come forward with accusations of sexual misconduct. There is more to lose by coming forward, and literally nothing to gain. If you think they’re looking for a payoff, wonder who benefits from being paid to keep silent. Not the women. I once heard a story of a woman who came forward with accusations of sexual assault, signed an NDA and took the money, and then came to find out her NDA was so strict she couldn’t even talk about her experience with a therapist.

She attempted suicide because of it. Fuck NDAs, and fuck anyone who thinks that women who come forward about sexual harassment are looking to get paid off. There is no money that can erase that experience. And no amount of money is worth more than actual punishment. Sandoval doesn’t know what he’s talking about because he wasn’t there. Stassi’s tired of protecting men and Tom Sandoval tells her to watch herself. A man telling a woman to watch herself when she’s telling the truth is some Crucible bullshit. Tom claiming he’ll start telling truths about them if they continue to talk is just… sad, petty behavior.

Then again, Tom will protect every single move Jax makes if he can. It’s shocking Ariana, who is proudly pro-women, will put up with Tom, who is definitely pro-men in every single way.

Back at Jax and Brittany’s apartment, Brittany gets a call from her dad. Oh, and Brittany hasn’t told her dad about Jax’s cheating, even though she’s told her mother. She’s afraid to tell her dad because he’s gonna be upset. We get shots of Jax sensing something ominous in the air and listening in on Brittany’s conversation when she tells her dad Jax cheated on her.

Brittany’s dad is unsurprised. He can’t help himself. He has no control. Brittany’s heard this before from him, and that’s why she’s put distance between them. She doesn’t want her dad to “I told you so” her, but… he told her so. Brittany’s dad is a lot less unforgiving than Brittany’s mom, who is on her third marriage and continually tells Brittany to just put her head down and deal with it because she’s on TV now. Brittany’s dad wants him to grow up and get serious, and he doesn’t think that now that Jax is 485 years old if that’s really possible. If he wanted to grow up, he’d be grown up. Brittany’s dad is most definitely not on Team Jax.

Jax is like, “oh man, I’m doing so good at the drums now! What did your dad say? What did he say?” Jax isn’t upset about Brittany’s dad not liking him - he couldn’t give a fuck - he’s again, more upset that she’s “airing out their dirty laundry”. Talking to your parent about your relationship is not airing out dirty laundry. The fact that Jax was Brittany to isolate any conversation about him and his behavior is textbook abuser behavior. He only wants to talk about it with her so he can tell her how she feels. None of these other people have his side, only hers, so what do they know?

God, Brittany. Stop. This man thinks you talking to your parents about your problems is “dirty laundry”. No. That’s what they’re there for.

Brittany doesn’t want to deal with the pain and strife this would put on her family ever again. They’re already predisposed not to like him and she’s not trying to pile on. Jax promises he won’t do anything like that again (LIAR), but she’s not perfect, either.

Why. Are. Men. Like. This.

One of the reasons my ex and I broke up was his almost blatant refusal to see my side in things. Literally, one time we were talking, and I mentioned that the fact that does that bothers me. He apologized, and then immediately was like “well, you do that too.” And I burst into tears. I was already on edge, already frustrated at not being heard and not listened to, and here he was, making that my problem. It’s this stubborn need to always be not only right but right and justified in every situation. “It’s fine for me to do this because you do it too.” I’m not saying I’m right in my actions. But if I’m asking you not to hurt me, what’s so wrong with just apologizing?

Why do you need to say, “I’m sorry, but this isn’t only my fault”?

Brittany admits to her bad behavior and owns up to her imperfections, but Jax won’t. He’s like, “own up to it,” and she will. He tells her if she’s not happy, maybe she needs to move on. I don’t disagree, but this is just him trying to get out from under bad behavior. I do the same thing. “You chose to be with me, you can leave at any point.”

Jax just always needs to be the good guy. That’s Brittany’s problem. His need to be the good guy in his mind will always trump any of her feelings. Good Guys are just as bad as Nice Guys.

Lala, Ariana12 and Scheana head to the bar, where people are meeting them, namely Daddy Adam, who is my new bae. They’re all there to basically show Brittany that she doesn’t need Jax and that she’s swimming in a sea of hot dudes who want to bang her. Scheana knows that Jax is never going to change and the love of a good woman won’t do shit - he doesn’t deserve Brittany. Hottie Adam shows up and orders seven shots of tequila upon arrival. Brittany’s Out To Flirt and piss off Jax, and Adam is prime real estate.

Lala mentions her conversation with Stassi, and that she doesn’t think she’s out to get anyone. Scheana and Ariana are pissed at Stassi and Brittany’s defending Stassi. It’s charming, but only a tiny bit. Scheana’s drunk and takes Brittany aside for a drunken truth-telling. She tells Brittany the truth - you will never be able to change Jax, you don’t deserve to be treated like this, and you can do better. And Brittany’s main problem? She loves Jax. And she can’t just like, stop loving him. Scheana can’t understand her thought process on this, and Brittany can’t explain to people that she knows he’s wrong but she still loves him. Scheana doesn’t want Brittany to be where she is - 32, divorced and starting over from scratch.

Scheana knows what it’s like to lie to yourself and convince yourself it’s all going to work out in the end. It’s hilarious because she’s acting like she used to do this when she’s doing it right now. God damn, I love the producers of this show.

Next Time: Lisa doesn’t understand why Brittany’s still celebrating Jax, let alone taking him to Mexico for his birthday. Lala is “ready for Mexico” in that she’s… way too tan. Scary tan. We’re going to Playa del Carmen! Lala ain’t taking any of Jax’s shit. Sandoval needs to fuck off.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Y’all know I love Ariana and shit, but god damn, that red dress in the talking head? With the corset front? No. Ariana, take it off. Immediately. Trust me.

Meanwhile, Tom Sandoval’s talking head with the polka dot bowtie and the plaid pants? I love it. It’s so extra. He looks like a sexy butler.

Scheana thinks Billie Lee and Jeremy are fated because they both smoke weed.

Is Billie Lee the first trans person on Bravo? Bravo, Bravo, then.

I mean, Stassi and Kristen have a point to be afraid of being around Jeremy.

Okay, really - Brittany is losing sympathy for staying with Jax, and fast. The only way she can redeem herself is to dump him. She can’t keep putting herself in these scenarios and expecting a different response.

Hagrid from Harry Potter, for you Yanks. ↩︎

What part of England are the Kennedys from? Are they from Manchester? ↩︎

Who has taken to pronouncing “baby” like it’s two letters - “BB” ↩︎

Scheana is such a fucking Taurus. ↩︎

I won’t even tell people if I’ve applied for something exciting just in case it backfired. The minute you put something into words and say them aloud to someone else, they’re real. I don’t know where I got this superstition from. ↩︎

I love Brittany’s 2005 glasses so much. ↩︎

OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY IS THE HOT NEW GUY AT SEXY UNIQUE RESTAURANT. Hellooooo, Adam. Adam, come to mama. ↩︎

In the words of Beverly Johnson, if you don’t have a top lip, get one. Have you guys heard my podcast yet? ↩︎

I’m choosing to think of him as Robbie Coltrane from National Treasure (Not the Nicolas Cage fantasy films, the British series about Operation Yewtree) and less Hagrid. Makes him easier to hate. ↩︎

Same reason I’ve never seen Finding Nemo all the way through but I can handle The Lion King. ↩︎

Read: a producer told her to ask. ↩︎

Dressed in only what can be described as “Beetlejuice for Pretty Little Thing.com” ↩︎

#vanderpump rules #vanderpump rules recap #lisa vanderpump #reality tv #reality tv recap #jesus chris this season is intense #jax is the worst and brittany is the best

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