#and if they bring out the guillotine you bet your ass he will be there first row

[bonesmarinated]

out of context over here but this make me laugh everytime i think of it so im posting it lmao

[yourlocalderp]

A very long and angry essay that will put my head on a guillotine but who cares.

Now before I start, to anyone I may offend or anger in this, I just want to say that I don't care. Call me evil, say I'm bad, announce me the Tumblr fun police, whatever just keep it to yourselves. (Don't actually, I'm bored. Write paragraphs about me on TikTok and slander my name please.)

Also, I'm going to be brutally honest in this, with my genuine feelings out there for the world to hear. If you don't want to read a bunch of words written by a mentally ill teenager who just hates something in the world, then feel free to move on with your life. For all those who don't want to leave/ are actually interested/ readying their pitchforks, then do I have a treat for you.

Now, onto my actual topic. The Marjorine Scotch headcannon fucking sucks and makes no sense.

Let me tell you why.

First of all, it came out of nowhere. She appeared in one episode, and everyone decided "Hey, let's get rid of Butter's and put Marjorine instead mhm mhm definitely a good idea!" Y'all flocked to Marjorine quick as fuck, and I bet a rat ass some of you don't even like her and just want to jump on that bandwagon of the random ass uprise of a character which is a COSTUME of a literal existing character.

Second of all, you all act as if she's been here the whole time. She hasn't, it's BUTTERS who was here, not Marjorine. I keep seeing replies on comments asking why Butters is always replaced with Marjorine going "Well Butters and Marjorine are the same people blah blah blah" as if those same repliers wouldn't go "Marjorine>>>>Butters" like what happened to the "same person" mindset you had before hm? Anyways Butters>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Marjorine like there is no doubt about it if you argue you're wrong and a hypocrite. Third of all, why Butters? Isn't he the most misogynistic, hater of all women, had an episode where he stuck his wee wee out to prove a point, kind of boy? Why suddenly all that is thrown out of the window for some girly girl MaRjOrInE with an unhealthy obsession with hello kitty? He didn't even enjoy being a girl for fucks sake he threw off his wig the moment he stepped his ass out of the girl's slumber party. (Btw feel free to correct me with this part because I refuse to watch the Marjorine episode out of spite.) Why not Wendy with Wendyl? She seemed pretty chill with being a guy. What about Princess fucking Kenny.

Topic 4. Princess Kenny and why she'd make more sense for a fandom to headcannon as mtf.

Maybe it's just because I'm bias to her, or magical girls in general, but why DO I never see anyone headcannon Kenny as anything other than genderfluid? Why does Butters, who dressed as a girl for ONE EPISODE, get the mtf hammer, but Kenny, whom basically EVERYONE called a girl for A LITERAL ARC FOR SOUTH PARK and A FUCKING GAME. Is it because you find Butters more, I don't know, feminine?

Disclaimer, this is where I start going into conspiracy type of shit. Don't take it too seriously because it really ISN'T that serious, but just an FYI, I mean it all.

This brings me to this point; I have a strong belief that some Marjorine people only do the Marjorine headcannon because they see Butters as more girly. Y'all know the ship Bunny? Y'all know how people usually see Kenny as "the man" of the ship? (Yes, I've seen people say that in Youtube comments. Get help.) Well, this makes Butters "the woman" of the ship now doesn't it. Yes, that's right. I'm accusing.

SOME

Take that word in.

SOME

People who ship fucking Kenjorine as to make them your average "UwU boy" and "Mf alpha demon thing who smokes like 30 cigars an hour" but it's straight and Marjorine is your petit anime girl and Kenny looks like he came out of one of those yaoi mangas from back in the day. Like, why is Marj always this cutesy kawaii girl like at least make her crazy?? (And sapphic. Don't be shy, why not make sapphic bunny with Princess Kenny and Marjorine? Then I can at least stomach SOME Marj content.)

I also think Kenjorine is just an excuse to make a gay ship straight. The number of comments I see that go "Omg!!11!!1 I love Kenjorine because it fits soOoOOOoO well with Kenny's character cause he's SO StRaIgHt>.<<<<<<" is annoying. Imagine that with Creek. I know it's a bad comparison with Creek since both boys are gay, but Kenny and Butters don't have confirmed sexualities, maybe Kenny does like dudes, we'll never know. All I'm saying is that why is it that y'all get so pressed when someone turns the "uke" of the ship (Like tweek or butters, lord have mercy i'm going to cry a river.) into a woman, you're only mad about one? (Aka Tweek ones, which is understandable.) At least the Creek people have gotten past that phase of feminizing Tweek to the point he's not even proportionally accurate, the Bunny fandom though.....

Speaking of Kenjorine once again, can you kenjorine motherfuckers get out of the Bunny tag on tiktok? I can't scroll 5 tiktoks without seeing Marj's face and it's gotten to the point that I just had to mention this in here. Y'all have a tag with over 40 million views go use that, after all isn't Kenjorine the "superior" ship to you guys? (After people see this, I bet multiple kenjorine tiktoks are going to appear in the bunny tag and I'll go into a deep depression because I just can't enjoy Butters x Kenny anymore.)

Anyways, last point I'm about to make before I wrap things up, you know those crappy edits of South Park oc's in South Park? That's what Marjorine feels like. She doesn't fit in, she's too "perfect" or whatever, she basically has no flaws to me. Every time I see a Marj headcannon thing, it's always along the lines of: "Marjorine. (insert age). Gets bullied by Eric but stands up to him or whatever like a girlboss yada yada. Epic bf (and it's just Kenny on steroids). Hello kitty enthusiast. (insert a bunch of facts I do not give a shit about)" Like damn girl what about your PARENTS??? Would your parents APPROVE of this? I don't fucking think so, I doubt they'd not ground Butters for even thinking about being trans.

That wraps up everything I have to say so far, maybe I'll come by to update this, maybe not. Either way, here's some final thoughts, as well as my contradictions to every reason I know of why people use the Marjorine headcanon because I'm petty and angry that I keep seeing her.

"She looked happy as a girl!" Did you watch the episode, or did you just see what you wanted to see? He was happy because he was being ACCEPTED. That doesn't mean he liked being a GIRL.

"He wore a skirt that one time!" What happened to "Clothes have no gender?" There's a difference between dressing in "the opposite gender's" clothing, and actually being the opposite gender. If I wore a tuxedo, does that make me a man? No. I'd like to dress up as the genderbent version of myself, but I'm still not a guy. Therefore, this argument is fucking stupid and goes against a lot of shit that people are saying.

"He likes hello kitty!" Again, liking hello kitty doesn't mean you're a girl or something, you're not suddenly a boy if you play Valorant or whatnot, and you are most certainly not a girl just because you play something inherently "girly."

"She's just a girl!!!" He's Butters, get over it. Just plain old simple Butters, leave him be. You people are like the mfs in the exact episode Marjorine was in. You aren't happy with how he was before; you want him to change just to make yourselves happy. Remind you of something in the episode? Where Marjorine cried in the bathroom because no one liked her, and the only reason the people did was they gave her a makeover and made her more girly? You're all just reenacting that episode but pretending that Butters would be happy with it.

Final words

Princess Kenny is better. Also if y'all are gonna type angry paragraphs about me, please send them to me so I can argue with a wall cause it's pretty damn entertaining. I'll even do the courtesy of ranking your insults/comebacks out of 10. I'm so fucking tired of seeing this bitch everywhere it's driving me to the brink of insanity. I know I'm weird and crazy but the Marjorine Stotch headcannon is like a leech in my brain and I can't get that mf out I want her gone she's a genuine thorn to my spine. Out of the courtesy of my own heart, I must say. This fandom truly made me lose all respect I had for a character, and this character wasn't even relevant to anything. She's useless, brings nothing to the plot, and should've stayed a one-time joke. Everyone who says otherwise like "Marjorine is SooOOoOooOO much better" needs a reality check. This isn't fucking "girl power" to you this is the removal of a character for a fandom oc.

Bunny supremacy, stop putting Kenjorine into it's tag, get the fuck out my ship you have your own tag, bye.

[kafkasgods]

faaya shah BOT 10/19/2020 There were a lot of ways to go about the wallet in Faaya’s bag. She could have thrown it away. Could have pilfered it. Could have had someone else return it. She really didn’t have any intention of doing what she was doing now. But after Phobos had visited her, Faaya felt inclined to do the exact opposite of what he would have liked. It was the small, spiteful victories that helped her tolerate Phobos being right with the overall picture. But regardless, that was how Faaya found herself on the other side of 105 at the Gray, hoping she wasn’t being presumptuous in assuming Audrey was home at this hour in the morning. Faaya had just gotten off work, so she figured she’d swing by.

@Audrey Ngo October 20, 2020

audrey ngo BOT 10/20/2020 Audrey had absolutely nothing to do today and was consequently about to crawl out of her skin. She wasn’t quite up to interacting with the town-- something about the streets of Epinieos made her feel positively hateful, so she took to the woods. She’d run for she didn’t know how long, but when she made it back to her apartment, she was sweat-soaked and not in any better of a mood.

Which is way she was surprised to see Faaya there, waiting. Audrey almost faltered, hesitating half a stride before continuing on her approach. Don’t shit where you eat, don’t crumble where you live into ruins just because someone you don’t like at all shows up at your door.

“Did someone like, post my address on Craiglist?” she asked hollowly, brows raising in impatience as she looked between Faaya and the apartment. Annoyance buzzed, insistent, in the back of her mind. “If you’re looking for a second round, I don’t think I have it in me today.” ( @Faaya Shah ) October 22, 2020

faaya shah BOT 10/22/2020 Unexpectedly, Audrey was hesitant upon seeing Faaya and there wasn’t much Faaya could do to alleviate it. “No, but you left it in a crater.” Flashing the wallet at the other woman for a light of understanding, she held it out. “It’s entirely possible I overreacted to something I should be well-used to now. I’m not asking for forgiveness, but if you’re not looking to try and kick my ass again, I can lift your ban at the Grapevine.”

@Audrey Ngo October 23, 2020

audrey ngo BOT 10/23/2020 "Oh." Audrey felt a blush starting in her ears, and sheepishly accepted both her wallet and the olive branch Faaya offered. "It's kinda sad I didn't even notice I lost it, huh?"

She nudged her apartment door open, which she'd left unlocked. It was easier than lugging her keys along on her run. Her head tilted, indicating Faaya could enter her apartment, if she so chose. "I appreciate it. My cousin was pretty dead set on us showing up and making a scene, but she talked herself out of it, thank gods."

Audrey moved as she spoke, fetching two glasses of water from the sink. They were sorely mismatched in size, but she offered Faaya the larger one in her own gesture of goodwill. ( @Faaya Shah ) October 24, 2020

faaya shah BOT 10/24/2020 When Audrey gestured for Faaya to go in, it took her a moment to register the invitation. A little surprised, she entered, warily. She didn’t expect Audrey to do anything untoward, but with a naturally suspicious nature, Faaya was always careful with the unexpected. “If I were you, I wouldn’t tell me her name. I’d hate to lose more business.” The uncaring tone in her voice said differently.

Faaya kept her eyes on Audrey, not looking around the apartment. She wasn’t nosy and it’d be rude. “Thank you,” she said, accepting the water. “You throw a mean punch. Though, I have to ask, has reacting on instinct worked out well?” It wasn’t something she ever did, but of course, she was tempted every now and again.

@Audrey Ngo

audrey ngo BOT 10/24/2020 Audrey shook her head, inhaling her glass of water and replacing it before really speaking. “You know her, she’s really just like that, but it’s all good.” Her shoulders lifted and dropped as she finished her second glass. She should probably dig up some of her gear from the Hunt and start bringing her own nalgene, but that seemed like a pain. Especially with Faaya standing in her house just as prim and competent as she did within the Grapevine.

“As for me, I would say it’s got a fifty-fifty shot of turning out alright. Sorry about your face,” she added as a bit of an afterthought, knowing full well that if she had to craft a proper apology, it wouldn’t sound nearly as sincere. “And your concrete. Just... not really my place to cause a scene. I’ll be on my best behavior next time.” As she spoke, she finally sank into her futon, legs lifting on the back and leaving plenty of room for Faaya to sit, even though she doubted the nightclub manager would. ( @Faaya Shah )

faaya shah BOT 10/24/2020 There wasn’t any need to press for more. If someone else wanted to come swinging, she’d deal with it then. Faaya wasn’t thirsty, but despite most people’s impression of her, she wasn’t rude. Drinking about half the cup, placed it back down on the nearby table. “Thank you,” she said of the apology. It wasn’t necessary, but apologizes took pride and she wasn’t going to spit on Audrey’s. “It might be a headache to deal with, but we’re getting a nicer exterior, so it’s not so bad.”

Audrey seemed to relax as they continued talking and Faaya, who really hadn’t been intending to stay long, found herself taking up the invitation of taking a seat. She guessed it was because it wasn’t like she had anywhere else to be. “Really. It’s less of a headache than the bouncers I have to deal with.”

@Audrey Ngo October 26, 2020

audrey ngo BOT 10/26/2020 Twisting so she was in her preferred position-- upside down with her legs hanging over the back-- Audrey turned her head slightly to keep Faaya in her line of sight. She found she didn’t mind the company. She didn’t even get goosebumps when the child of Phobos sat relatively close. “Yeah? I bet. Not one of them escorted me out, they looked like real knuckledraggers. Really, this issue between us is all their fault.” ( @Faaya Shah ) October 29, 2020

faaya shah BOT 10/29/2020 Faaya snorted at the comment. “Seamus is still kind of a kid and Dayn’s an ex, so it’s not great.” Really, saying it out like that, Faaya wondered what their last manager had been thinking. What they needed was older and more experienced muscle. “But I didn’t hire them and as much as I’d like, I also don’t have just cause to fire them.” She let out a short sigh. “That reminds me I need to find someone for next weekend. I really should have made Dayn look for a replacement.” Even if she was mostly talking to herself, she didn’t want the conversation to be entirely her so she waved her hand brushing it off. “What about you, what do you do?”

@Audrey Ngo November 4, 2020

audrey ngo BOT 11/04/2020 “well, last i checked you weren’t allowed to date your boss, so maybe you can use conflict of interest to get rid of dayn,” audrey suggested. seamus she didn’t know so much about, but she could work on that. it felt good to help faaya with her problems, somewhat. more of an apology through action than through weak words.

“i work at the thrift store. as thrilling as that is,” she continued. then the single, frantic hamster in her brain started spinning on its wheel, and a lightbulb went off. audrey sat up suddenly, probably startling faaya with the swift motion. “let me work the door for you this weekend! i’ve got credentials, we can summon artemis tonight, if you want.” ( @Faaya Shah ) November 5, 2020

faaya shah BOT 11/05/2020 “That’s true, but he doesn’t really stay in jobs very long, so I’m better off waiting it out,” Faaya shrugged lightly. Though Faaya let the threat of being fired hang in the air like a suspended guillotine, she wasn’t one to do it ruthlessly. Yet. The first firing she’d do would have to be someone who would make a lesson to the rest of her staff. Until she met someone willing to push her that far, it just wasn’t a possibility at the moment.

Finding out where Audrey worked a little bit of a surprise. Faaya had been to the thrift store and the quaint place seemed ill-suited to Audrey. Though, she guessed it was retail and a person really needed a fearful backbone to deal with it.

It was in the middle of that thought when Audrey moved quickly in her peripheral vision and Faaya just as abruptly scooted back, giving the woman her full attention. Sudden changes required new suspicious eyes. At least until Audrey made her case clear and Faaya relaxed. “Oh. You want to work for me?” Faaya had just been touching on the idea of older and more experienced muscle and the other didn’t exactly inspire that. At least upon first glance.

Faaya hummed, looking over the immortal Hunter of Artemis, who gave a mean right hook. Faaya was already convinced and willing to try Audrey out, but she would be lying if she said she’d never been curious about the Goddess of the Hunt, so jumping at the opportunity, she asked for the reference. “Sure, summon Artemis.”

@Audrey Ngo November 7, 2020

audrey ngo BOT 11/07/2020 * tw weapon mention * already firing on all cylinders, audrey glanced out her window, gauging the sun as it set behind the trees to the back of her building. “honestly, let’s do it now. hope you don’t mind getting your shoes muddy,” she mused, jumping to her feet and stepping into her gym shoes once again. figuring faaya just wanted to see artemis magic in action. it had been a burning curiosity of her own, so she didn’t look back as she headed towards the treeline.

wandering between the trees, audrey found a nice mossy spot and knelt on the ground, nodding slightly to show faaya she should do the same. bowing her head, audrey began to whisper a prayer to summon artemis. her memory had not failed her there, atleast, as she finished the prayer without stumbling over any of the greek words.

her head didn’t lift until her artemis-gifted bow and quiver materialized in her upraised palms. an impossibly large white stag, seemingly backlit with moonlight, stood in the clearing, liquid dark eyes examining her and faaya. “hey, cery,” she greeted artemis’ companion familiarly. “thanks for coming so fast!”

the stag somehow managed a look of benign amusement. “what is it you require of the goddess, audrey?”

“uh, my brother wanted me to ask for a tiger to ride through the streets, but that’s not a requirement,” she continued quickly. then she followed the cerynitian hind’s gaze to faaya. “oh! and this is faaya, she’s considering me for a position as a bouncer at the local club, which you’ve got to admit is much more suited to my personality than my current place of employment. i just needed a good reference for being strong and dependable.”

“if you were not strong and dependable, audrey, you would not be a very valuable part of the hunt.”

audrey raised her brows at faaya in an i told you so gesture. then she nudged her future employer. “any other questions?” ( @Faaya Shah ) November 9, 2020

faaya shah BOT 11/09/2020 Glancing down at her suede shoes, Faaya really didn’t want to get them dirty. It was only recently that she was able to afford the lifestyle she cultivated for herself and she liked taking care of her things. But there was no backing out meeting Artemis over a pair of shoes, so she resigned herself to following Audrey into the forest quietly like a shadow. Faaya’s only business for the moment was to observe.

It was only when there was a sudden heavy presence did Faaya lift her head, and instinctively, she let a barrier of intimidation surround herself. One that insinuated Faaya was not helpless and a being of fear herself. The stag was beautiful, but she knew to be cautious. Audrey, however, was in her element and it was no sooner that her recommendation was backed up. Faaya couldn't help, but have some distaste upon not being addressed personally. Either way, Faaya didn’t have much questions for the stag. She’d wanted to see the process first-hand, but she had no business with the Hunt. Still, she would look foolish without at least a single question. “If Audrey is so capable, what was the reason she was sent back to Epineios?”

@Audrey Ngo November 12, 2020

audrey ngo BOT 11/12/2020 audrey felt a prickle of annoyance at the other’s question, whipping her head over to squint at faaya. she thought they were cool now, and they probably were, but the tone still rankled. the hunt was not hades’ good graces. audrey actually cared about artemis’ opinion. turning back to cery, she was equally surprised to see the stag’s gaze was locked on faaya, unwavering.

“so you do wish to speak, daughter of phobos,” it noted. “it seemed, with your immediate defense, you wished to be left alone. like a hedgehog that curls away from anything that frightens it, i was content to let you be.” its head inclined once, antlers indicating audrey. she felt a little like she was being sent to the principal’s office.

“audrey volunteered to keep an eye on the town in the goddess’ name. she is perhaps stronger than many demigods, with blessings both from hades and artemis. that being said, she is a bit more ornery than most, so the goddess deigned that a small sabbatical might temper one of the hunt’s youngest member’s instincts somewhat. would she suit your purpose, faaya shah?”

audrey felt the back of her neck heat. when she spoke the words tumbled over each other in her embarrassment. “well, that’s a glowing review, cery. maybe don’t put her on the spot like that.” ( @Faaya Shah ) November 15, 2020

faaya shah BOT 11/15/2020 Upon the thrown away comment, Faaya narrowed her eyes at it. Truthfully, it was hard to tell whether or not she liked the stag. Clearly, it was mocking her, but there was also an appreciation for its wit. She chose to ignore it, allowing the divine animal to speak its truth.

Frankly, the review was promising and the job Faaya had seemed perfect for Audrey. Audrey already possessed better qualities than her current bouncers in her opinion, and in return, working under Faaya would be putting Audrey’s temperament to the test. Faaya replied leveled, “By your word, she does. So I suppose this is a good opportunity to judge the quality your lady Artemis keeps. I should hope not to be disappointed. Send her my and my father’s regards and appreciation.”

Breaking eye contact with the stag for the first time, she turned to Audrey. “You wanna start earlier? I need to train you before you take next weekend’s shift alone.”

@Audrey Ngo November 21, 2020

audrey ngo BOT 11/21/2020 so she got the job, but audrey still felt, keenly, the sense of indignation that came with being talked over. atleast she could focus on faaya’s invitation to distract herself from the feeling she knew would pass after a moment. “yeah, say the word. the thrift store closes before your evening rush even really starts.”

turning back to the cerynitian hind, the ethereal beast guessed her line of thought. “you will not be receiving a tiger from the goddess, audrey. but we are glad to see you find more suitable employment, and seeking peace where there was once animosity. i am going to take my leave now.” the great white stag bowed low to them both, and was gone the next instant.

audrey’s head dipped in silent prayer to the goddess, thanking her for the counsel. when audrey was finished, she pushed up off the ground, brushing dirt from her knees with one hand and offering faaya the other. “if that doesn’t go to show you that all the gods can be pretentious, what would?” she asked casually. “though cery is pretty to look at, atleast.” ( @Faaya Shah )

faaya shah BOT 11/21/2020 emulating audrey in what looked to be a prayer, faaya did the same, whether or not she was meant to. better to be safe than sorry. audrey offered her a hand and faaya took it, pulling up and brushing any lingering dirt off. she was glad to note her shoes weren’t entirely ruined, though there was still the trek back. “that’s true.” she agreed. somehow, she preferred phobo’s lack of mannerisms. “we can start you two days from now, if that works. bring some i.d.” faaya didn’t wait for audrey as she started walking back. “i will say, i’d be glad to finally have a decent employee if this works out, audrey.” she turned her head back to offer audrey a small smile over her shoulder. @Audrey Ngo

[godamnarmsrace]

Even When I Lose My Head

I am ignoring the shit storm Emmerdale is trying to feed us at the moment.

@aarondingel has the best head canons and here is just one of them: Before they go to sleep Robert needs to show Aaron his scar of the gunshot wound and Aaron lays his head on Robert’s chest to hear his heart beating

Lyrics in Italics – Guillotine by Jon Bellion

Happy 1 Year Anniversary!!!  I hope you enjoy :)

For the first time in weeks Robert actually slept well, having Aaron home and with him made all the difference but Robert wasn’t at all surprised when he was woken in the middle of the night by his husband thrashing about in the middle of their bed.

Unsure about what to do Robert sat up in bed and switched on the light next to him. ”Aaron,” Robert called out not wanting to touch him when he was feeling vulnerable. He didn’t want to cause his husband any more pain “Aaron,” he called again when Aaron didn’t stir.

Aaron let out a whimper and it broke Robert’s, heart. He didn’t know if these were old nightmares or new ones, but demons were haunting his husband and Robert hated that he couldn’t do a damn thing to stop them.

Robert knew that Aaron had been through hell on the inside. They had both been through the wringer but Aaron was home and Robert just wanted to mend everything that was broken inside them both even though he had no clue where to start.

Against his better judgement, Robert placed a gentle hand on his husband’s face and brought his lips to Aaron’s forehead, kissing him, Robert whispered, “I love you, you’re safe here with me now, I promise. Aaron, wake up please!”

“Robert,” Aaron grabbed a hold of Robert’s wrist tightly, coming awake slowly. “I’m sorry,” he apologised loosening his grip on Robert’s arm and stroking his fingers softly over the red marks he’d left behind.

“Don’t ever apologise for needing me. I love you, Mr Sugden,” Robert said pressing another kiss to Aaron’s head.

“I love you too Mr Dingle. I just hate that I woke you because you look like you need all the sleep you can get,” said Aaron turning into Robert’s touch and pressing a kiss to the centre of his palm.

“I’ve slept better in the last few hours with you in our bed beside me than I have in over a month without you. So, don’t concern yourself with it. All I need to be at peace is you here with me, safe and sound,” Robert replied.

Sleep on me, feel the rhythm in my chest, just breathe

Robert lay down on his back and tugged on Aaron arranging him so that he laid his head on Robert’s chest. Aaron pressed a kiss to the bullet scar that almost took Robert from him before settling his ear over Robert’s heart and the sound of his heartbeat soothing Aaron in a way he didn’t realise he needed.

Robert was here. He was alive. They were alive. Here together.

“I can’t believe you stuck around after all I’ve put you through. I don’t deserve you, Robert,” Aaron’s words were like little daggers in Robert’s heart because it pained him so much that Aaron had no idea how fucking amazing he was to Robert.

If anyone wasn’t worthy…

“Trust me, we deserve each other. No one else would do. I could never leave you, Aaron, you’re my whole damn life, without you everything else seems to cease to exist and the day’s pale into nothingness. I never want to feel like that again. Fair warning, you’re never getting rid of me ever,” Robert whispered his voice gruff with emotion against the top of Aaron’s head.

I will stay so the lantern in your heart won't fade

“You know I’m here if you want to talk about it. You can tell me anything, Aaron. I promise not to judge or get mad,” Robert offered stroking his hands up and down Aaron’s naked back over the warm silky skin. It had a grounding effect on Robert the panic from earlier slowly receding from his gut. “There is nothing you can say that will ever turn me away from you.”

The secrets you tell me I'll take to my grave There's bones in my closet, but you hang stuff anyway

Aaron’s silence didn’t last long a sob escaped him and Robert held onto him tight, as the shudders that wracked Aaron’s body threatened to tear them both apart. “Is it Gordon or Jason?”

Aaron shook his head against Robert’s chest, “Yes and no,” he said. “It’s stupid. I’m home now, with you. I know I’m safe I know Gordon’s dead, that he can’t hurt me but he’s still inside Robert and sometimes I feel like I need to cut him out of me before he poisons everything good that’s left of me.”

“It’s not stupid to be scared, Aaron. I’m scared all the time. I’m terrified I’m going to hurt you or let you down. Hell, I’m scared shitless that you will wake up one day and realise I don’t deserve you, that you can do better, that I’m not worth your time, let alone your love. But Aaron please promise me when it gets to be too much that you’ll talk to me. And believe me when I say that there is nothing of him inside you. Don’t give him that kind of power and Aaron you’re all good. All your parts, every cell, every thought, every deed. You are the best person I know, even if you are a Dingle,” Robert hoped he wasn’t saying the wrong thing. He wanted Aaron to come to him, to talk to him.

Aaron’s sobs were broken by a small burst of laughter, there and then gone. “I’m sorry Robert. I just don’t know how not to feel this way and when I was inside I tried to be strong Robert I did but I was so scared. I already tried to kill myself once, what if that weakness in me is because of him? How do I get away from that?”

Robert was terrified to hear Aaron talk about hurting himself but this was good, that Aaron felt safe here with him to share how he felt was a good thing. He just had to try and remember that. “Did you want to hurt yourself this time when you were inside?”

Aaron sucked in a deep breath before answering, “No. I just wanted to come home. I knew you were here waiting for me, looking after Liv and I just wanted to be home. I held onto you. I might have been a bit of a smart ass when taunting him about how good sex with you is.”

Robert smiled without meaning to, “I bet. You have a mouth on you. It’s always been one of my favourite things about you.” Robert brought one of his hands to Aaron’s head, he used it to tilt Aaron’s face towards his so they could meet eyes. “You’re stronger than you know you are Aaron. I’m in awe of you every day. Maybe, talking to someone about some of the new stuff that is sticking with you might be a good idea?” Robert didn’t want to force the issue. Hell, he could probably use some counselling too.

“Liv said I should dance on the bed after a nightmare apparently, it helps, but the counselling thing might be a good idea…will you come with me?” Aaron asked looking unsure of himself.

“Like couples counselling?” Robert asked confused.

“No, like we both get a little help but we do it together,” Aaron answered sounding hopeful.

“Can we dance on the bed instead?” Robert joked. “I wouldn’t even know where to start Aaron but if that is what you need from me you know I’ll be there.”

“I think Jack would be a good place to start, don’t you?” Aaron said rolling so that he was laying on his stomach on top of Robert.

“Aaron, that was nothing. I…you can’t compare that with everything you’ve been through,” Robert argued shifting so that Aaron was covering him almost completely. The weight of Aaron’s body making him feel safe and protected.

Aaron cupped Robert’s face in his hands so he couldn’t look away and said, “Compare, no, but he hurt you as sure Gordon hurt me. He broke your trust and abused your body, he just used his fists. Your pain is real Robert. Your internal scars are valid as my external ones are.”

And if you have nightmares, we'll dance on the bed I know that you love me, love me Even when I lose my head Guillotine, guillotine

Robert knew he should say something but words failed him. That Aaron thought any of that even mattered floored him. Robert had never told another soul about what had happened with Jack because he honestly didn’t think anyone would believe him or care. But Aaron did. There was so much love inside Robert he didn’t even know what to do with it. He wanted to give it all to Aaron it was almost all his anyway but he didn’t know how.

Before Aaron, Robert didn’t think anyone would ever be able to love him, the real him. All of him but Aaron did. Robert felt like he should pray to some deity somewhere that he’d found Aaron, and that Aaron had loved him back. Did love him. “I love you,” he whispered bringing their lips together in a kiss.

Kiss my lips, feel the rhythm of your heart and hips I will pray so the castle that we've built won't cave

“I need you,” Robert whispered against Aaron’s mouth.

“I fucking love you, Robert Sugden. There’s only you for me,” Aaron said in between licks against Robert’s lips. ‘I need you inside me, now, please Robert please.”

“God,” Robert muttered using his fingers to test how ready Aaron actually was, his hole still loose and fluttering around his fingers from their earlier lovemaking. One finger, two then three slid in with little to no resistance.

Aaron let out a moan and hitched himself up Robert’s body a little, one knee bent and hooked up to give him the leverage he needed to thrust himself back towards where Robert’s hard cock rested twitching and leaking against his own belly.

“Wait! Just wait a second. Shit!” Robert grabbed the slick from under his pillow where he’d shoved it after the last time and poured some on his hand. Reaching between their bodies, he used it to slick himself even as Aaron pushed his hand away so he could get at Robert’s cock.

Robert swallowed his throat suddenly dry as Aaron thrust himself down onto Robert’s cock his eyes full of so much love and desire, that Robert had to force himself not to look away. The urge to run and hide still strong but he wanted Aaron to have all of him. He met Aaron’s gaze and clutched at his hips as Aaron began to thrust against him. The slow drag of Aaron’s heavy cock against his stomach made his own harden further still where it was nestled inside his husband.

You fill me up, you fill me up You set my soul ablaze You fill me up, you fill me up Your love is so amazing You fill me up, you fill me up You set my soul ablaze You fill me up even when I lose my head

Robert was almost asleep again when Aaron kissed him on his neck. “Oh, Robert…” Aaron whispered into the darkness.

“Yeah?” Robert asked, wrapping his arms tighter around his husband.

“Happy Anniversary!” Aaron exclaimed before settling down again to sleep and Robert laid there in the dark and thought about all their other anniversaries and all the ones they would have to come. Glad that this was one that Aaron wanted to acknowledge because much like the day Robert met Aaron when he really started living, this day a year ago was when Robert started breathing again.

You fill me up, you fill me up You set my soul ablaze You fill me up, you fill me up Your love is so amazing You fill me up, you fill me up You set my soul ablaze You fill me up even when I lose my head