#and you start questioning him? 'almost sacrificed by the cult' bernard?

[introspectivememories]

once again wondering why tim thought that visiting his clearly spiraling boyfriend as robin to interrogate him about the chaos monsters instead of coming over as tim first was a good idea

[jacquihyde]

Nighthawks

It’s a cold winter in Gotham, and the long nights provide a perfect backdrop for mysterious, dangerous occurrences on the campus of Gotham University. Tim Drake believes that the case will be open-and-shut, but combined with the weight of the secrets he is keeping from his family, his boyfriend, and himself, the skeletons in the university’s closet may succeed in drawing him too close.

Part 2: Snow Globe Boy

Tim’s adoptive father’s parents had died just feet away from the place that Tim now called home. When Tim asked Bruce about it, all he had said was, “You’ll bring honor to their memory.” Lately, Tim had been constantly questioning whether he was fulfilling that request - which felt more like a demand, if he was being honest.

Tim was standing by the window, but he wasn’t looking outside. His attention was on his phone, more specifically, on his messages with Bernard. Tim had texted him, asking if he wanted to come over. The check mark beneath the message showed that it had been read - seven days ago.

Tim frowned. His fingers were hovering over the keyboard, but he had no idea what to say. Bernard didn’t know what he knew. Tim didn’t know exactly what had happened. Although, with what he knew about Bernard’s parents, he could certainly guess. The thought of it made his stomach turn.

Downstairs, Tim had left a program open on his computer, going through newspaper articles dating back to the time of Gotham University’s establishment. So far, there hadn’t been a single match to anything even close to what Mikaela had told him. He wasn’t optimistic that there would be one at all.

He reached up, putting a hand to his throat. There was that tight feeling again.

A knock on the window startled him out of his thoughts. Tim jumped backwards, turning towards the window. A shadow crossed it, a dark figure dressed in black and blue. It waved at him.

Tim sighed and yanked open the window. “People are going to start talking if they start noticing vigilantes on my windowsill, you know.”

Dick only grinned, climbing through the window as gracefully as ever. “No one’s going to know. What, you’re not glad to see me?”

“I didn’t even know that you were in town.”

“B needed my help with something. I thought I’d stop by.” Dick narrowed his eyes, looking at Tim more closely. “Hey, is everything okay?”

Tim furrowed his brow. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You just seem off.”

“I’m fine,” Tim said. “Just tired.” He felt his hands trembling and clenched his fists to hide it. Something drove into his mind, a sharp spike of fear. The world seemed off-kilter, tilted somehow.

Dick shook his head. “You really need to get more sleep, you know?” Tim had tried, he really had, but there was always something orbiting his thoughts - Bernard, Mikaela, Gotham. And sometimes it was something that he couldn’t quite put words to. Expectation, maybe. Waiting for the next thing to stack on top of everything else.

Dick was still walking around his apartment, being his usual nosy self. “God, Tim, it’s freezing in here,” he said. “You’d think that you could afford a thermostat.”

“It feels fine to me,” Tim said. He felt warm, too warm, even. He tugged at the collar of his sweater - why did the air feel so thin all of a sudden?

Dick turned around to look at Tim. “There’s snow on the ground outside, and you’re telling me -” His expression changed suddenly, alarm coating his features. “Tim?”

Tim crossed his arms over his chest. “Dick,” he gasped out. That choking feeling was even worse, a band tightening around his throat. His heartbeat echoed in his ears, nearly drowning out his own voice. “I don’t - I can’t -”

Dick was by his side in an instant. His hands came up to squeeze Tim’s shoulders. “Tim. Look at me.”

Tim shook his head frantically. It felt like he couldn’t see anything at all - he knew that that was Dick in front of him, and the couch behind him, and the wall beyond that. But it didn’t feel real. It was as if everything surrounding him was made of mist, ready to dissipate at a moment’s notice.

“Okay,” Dick was saying gently. “That’s okay. I’m just going to need you to breathe with me, Tim.”

“I can’t -”

“You can.” Dick’s voice almost, almost cut through the haze in his mind. “You can, because I’m going to help you, okay? Take a deep breath. Like this.” He took a breath. Tim attempted to copy him, but the air seemed to get caught in his throat, choking him even more. Dick ran his hands down his arms gently. “You’re doing so good, Tim. I’m so proud of you. One more, okay? Just breathe. Breathe.”

Dick’s grip on him tightened, and Tim let out a shaky breath. Hot tears stung the back of his eyes as Dick pulled him into a hug. There was something loosening inside of him, his breathing slowly becoming more even.

Looking back on it later, Tim wouldn’t remember what happened next. One moment, he was standing with Dick by the window, gasping for breath, and then he was curled up next to Dick on the couch, Dick’s arm around him steadying him, grounding him. Tim blinked a few times and sat up slowly. “What the fuck just happened?”

Dick glanced over at him. “You had a panic attack. And you were dissociating for a while.”

“I know that. I just��” Tim put his head in his hands. He could feel Dick rubbing small circles against his back. “It was literally for no reason.”

“Is there anything stressing you out?”

“I’m always stressed,” Tim mumbled into his hands. He didn’t want to look up and see Dick’s concern. “That wasn’t it. I don’t think...there wasn’t a trigger, or anything. I just started panicking.”

Dick was silent for a moment. “Tim, can you look at me?” he said finally. Tim reluctantly did so. “Look, I know that something’s wrong. You’ve been weird the past few months. You’re always on edge - and I know you don’t think anyone notices, but I can tell. And maybe it would make you feel a little better to talk about it.”

Tim drew his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them. He hadn’t realized just how many secrets he had been keeping until this moment. “I didn’t start feeling like this until...I don’t even know. Two weeks, maybe?” he murmured. “I’ve been so anxious. For no reason. Everything just seems so much worse. And before that…”

Dick squeezed his shoulder. “Before that?” he prompted when Tim trailed off.

Tim took a deep breath. “Did I ever tell you about the Chaos Monsters?”

“I think you mentioned it once or twice.”

“So, it was this cult that was kidnapping and sacrificing teenagers. Mostly teenagers that...that were questioning themselves.” Tim swallowed hard. “Like me.”

He glanced over at Dick, whose expression hadn’t changed. “Yeah?”

Tim nodded. “Yeah. And...my friend. They got him, too. And after I saved him, he, um, he asked me out. And we’ve been dating for the past few months.”

Dick was silent. His expression still hadn’t changed. Tim’s gaze flickered away from him, turning to stare out the window. “That explains that, then,” he said finally.

“Explains what?”

“How you can be so tense and so happy at the same time.” Dick grinned, and Tim felt a weight come off of his shoulders. He couldn’t help the small smile that sprang to his lips.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, you kind of seem like you’re in a different place sometimes. Like there’s something - or someone - on your mind that you can’t stop thinking about. That you don’t want to stop thinking about.”

Tim laughed softly. “Am I that obvious?”

“Yeah, you kind of are.” Dick punched him in the shoulder. “Seriously, though. You’re happy?”

Tim nodded. “When I’m with him, always.”

“What’s his name?”

Tim’s smile grew wider. “Bernard.”

Dick laughed. “Oh my god, look at you.”

Tim put his face in his hands again. “Shut up,” he groaned.

“Seriously, though. You’re so cute, talking about him.” Tim could practically hear Dick thinking before he spoke again. “And it must suck not being able to talk about him.”

Tim sat back up. “‘It must suck.’ Wow, you would make a great therapist.”

“I mean. Maybe talking to a therapist - an actual therapist - wouldn’t be a terrible idea, Timmy.”

Tim shook his head immediately. “No way. It wouldn’t work.”

“Why not?”

“Because I wouldn’t really be able to talk, would I? It’s just like now. I can’t talk about Bernard with you guys and I can’t talk about you guys with Bernard. I’m stuck either way.”

Dick shrugged. “Don’t therapists have to keep confidentiality?”

Tim stared at him. “Um, I think this is a little different. And Bruce would kill me.”

“He would not kill you.”

“He might!” Tim stared at the floor, letting out a sigh. “I just...everything in my life is so complicated right now.”

“If you don’t want to talk about Robin,” Dick said. “You can always just talk about Tim Drake. He has problems too.”

“And don’t I know it.” Tim glanced up at Dick. “Maybe I’ll do it.”

“Maybe,” Dick repeated.

“That’s all you’re getting right now.”

“That’s fine,” Dick said. He looked over his shoulder, back towards the window. “Oh, hey. It’s snowing again.”

Tim rolled his eyes, following Dick’s gaze. Fat flakes of snow floated softly past the window, stark white against the glow of the lights from the street. “Like a snow globe,” he said under his breath.

“What?”

Tim shook his head. “Nothing.”

Jaine’s business card was burning a hole in his pocket. It hovered in the back of Tim’s mind as he bid Dick goodbye, promising to call him the next day. Its numbers and letters seemed to be projected onto his ceiling as he stared up at it that night, sleepless yet again. It glared at him from where he had left it on his kitchen counter until he finally stood up and dialed the fucking number so it would stop taunting him.

He couldn’t tell if Jaine recognized his voice, but he knew that she recognized his name - even if she didn’t say a word, he could hear the way her voice changed when he said it out loud. He wondered if maybe he shouldn’t have even bothered being Tim Drake-Wayne, if he should have dug out some other alias. But he was already planning on keeping a mental count of the number of lies he told at the session. He didn’t need to add onto it before it even began.

“I actually had a cancellation for tomorrow afternoon,” Jaine said over the phone. “Does that sound okay?”

“Great,” Tim said, already going back on his promise to himself to keep the lies confined to her office.

As the appointment crept closer, Tim thought more and more about skipping it. But by the time two o’clock the next afternoon rolled around, Tim was standing in the hallway outside Jaine’s office, ready to jump out of his skin. He hadn’t spoken to anyone - not the person at the front desk who had smiled at him, none of the kids hanging out in the lobby. As far as he knew, none of them had recognized him. He was keeping his head down, his eyes covered by sunglasses. It would be just his luck that someone would snap a picture of him at Prism and it would end up on the covers of every tabloid by the weekend.

He wondered if Bernard was here. He couldn’t decide whether it would be a good or a bad thing if he was. Getting answers was one thing, giving them was another. Seeing Bernard again was in a completely different field.

The door next to him opened. He distantly registered Jaine smiling at him. “Hey, Tim. It’s nice to finally meet you. Do you want to come in?”

And so here they were, and Tim had no idea what to say.

“So, you said that you’ve been having a lot of increased anxiety lately?” Jaine said. Tim nodded. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Batman the axolotl swimming directly into one of the walls of his tank. Undeterred, he turned around on a mission to swim into the opposite wall. Tim could relate.

“Yeah,” Tim said. “I don’t really know why.”

“Have there been any big changes in your life recently?”

Tim shrugged. “Um...I started dating a guy a few months ago. I didn’t...I didn’t even realize that that was something I wanted until it actually happened. But I didn’t start feeling so anxious all the time until more recently.”

Jaine smiled. “How did you two get together?”

Chaos Monsters. Cult sacrifices. My secret double life as a vigilante. “We went to high school together,” Tim said. “We reconnected and everything just sort of fell into place from there.”

“You said that you’re close with your family.”

“We’ve had our ups and downs.” Jaine would hopefully think of the typical family arguments and sibling rivalries - the TV being too loud, being rude or disrespectful, not knowing what to have for dinner. Not his father spending a few months dead or his brother trying to kill him a few times. “But yeah. We’re close.”

“Have they met your boyfriend yet?” Jaine asked, and Tim shook his head immediately.

“No. I haven’t even told them, I have no idea how to tell them. The only one that knows is my older brother, and I didn’t really mean to…” He sighed. “I had a panic attack in front of him a few days ago, and I just ended up telling him about it. It went well, I guess - the coming out part, not the panic attack. That kind of worried me, I guess? There weren’t any triggers, I wasn’t any more stressed than usual. I just started freaking out.”

Jaine nodded, her brows furrowing. “You’re sure that you weren’t triggered?”

“Pretty sure,” Tim said. “I wasn’t even working or anything. One second I was fine, the next I couldn’t breathe.”

Jaine frowned. “What do you work on, anyway?”

Tim was silent, silent for long enough that Jaine gave up and moved on. “I think what you might be afraid of most is fear,” she said. “I know that the whole ‘fear itself’ thing is kind of overdone at this point, but sometimes the anticipation is what really kills you. Thinking about the next moment when you might have something to fear...it can be scarier than the moment itself, you know what I mean?”

Tim stared at the ground. “I know,” he murmured. His heartbeat was growing louder. He wondered if Jaine could hear it.

He wasn’t sure if the rest of the session went by quickly or slowly. He remembered Jaine asking questions. He remembered answering them. His tally of lies crept higher and higher until he couldn’t keep track of it anymore. He wanted to say that it was all because of Robin, because of his need to keep that part of himself a secret. But that would just be another falsehood to add to his collection.

Finally, Jaine stood up. “I think that’s it for today,” she said. Tim forced himself not to let out a sigh of relief. “But before you go - I think we both know that you were a little closed off today.”

Tim nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Jaine’s expression was sympathetic, but her words were forceful. “These sessions...they’re what you make of them. I really do want to help you, Tim. But I can’t do my job as well if you’re not willing to open up. I know you might not believe me, but this is a judgement-free zone.”

“Okay,” Tim said. He didn’t believe her.

“Usually I’d schedule another appointment at the end of a session,” Jaine said. “But this time, I think you should be the one to decide when that should be. Call me when you’re ready for this, okay? You have my number.”

Tim nodded again. “I will,” he said quietly.

He didn’t want to think about anything at all that night. He wanted to follow the patrol route that he’d followed so many times that it was little more than muscle memory and fall asleep praying that he’d feel normal again when he woke up the next morning. But the sun had barely set before he received a wordless text. At first, he thought it was spam. Then he saw the name at the top of the message.

It was just like his patrol route, the way muscle memory guided him to the location that Bernard had sent him. Tim knew where he was sending him the second that the building came into view. He had never been to this diner before, but something about it felt achingly familiar.

Tim saw his own reflection in the window, and there was Bernard next to him, hunched over the counter. He was the only customer in the place, and after a moment the waiter behind the counter left too, leaving Bernard completely alone. Tim took a breath, yanking the door open.

Bernard said nothing at first, not at the cold burst of air as Tim entered, not at the twinkling of the bells above the door or at the sound of Tim’s footsteps. It was only when Tim sat down at the stool next to him that he finally spoke. “Nighthawks.”

Tim frowned. “What?”

“It’s like the painting.” Bernard’s voice was low, monotone, emotionless. It didn’t sound like him at all - it was more like a stranger pretending to be him, someone who Tim barely recognized. “The diner. The empty street. The customers.”

Tim shook his head. “No, it isn’t.”

Bernard finally looked up, meeting his eyes. “Why not?”

“Because we’re not like the people in that painting,” Tim said. “We’re not alone.” He reached out towards Bernard’s hand, resting his own hand overtop of it. Bernard didn’t move, barely even blinked. “Bernard. Please, talk to me.”

“About what?” Bernard said. “You already know everything.”

Tim shook his head. “No, I don’t! You just stopped talking to me -”

“Tim.” Bernard sighed, glancing back at the counter as if to confirm that they were truly alone. Once he had done so, he turned back to Tim. “I know that you’re Robin.”

Tim nearly fell off of the stool. There was finally some sort of expression in Bernard’s eyes, something like amusement. Tim didn’t find it funny. “You - what?”

“I know that you’re Robin,” Bernard repeated, slower this time. “What, did you think that I just asked Robin to tell you that you made me realize that I was gay? Who does that?”

“You would!”

Bernard smiled wryly. “You’re right, I would. But seriously - Tim, I already knew. Or, I had made an educated guess. I’m glad I was right, otherwise this could have been really awkward.”

Tim’s brain moved sluggishly, Bernard’s words barely sticking. “You...guessed.”

“You disappear at weird times. You never seem to get enough sleep. You always have weird injuries that you can’t or won’t explain,” Bernard listed. “You’re short, dark-haired, hell, you sound just like him. I spend so much time with you, it’s not that big of a leap.”

“I’m not that short,” Tim murmured. It was only then that the true meaning of Bernard’s words registered. “So you knew it was me last week. At Prism.”

Bernard’s expression went blank again. Tim swallowed around the lump in his throat. “What happened?”

“What do you think happened?” Bernard said quietly. “The whole Chaos Monster thing - that was the last straw for my parents. They kicked me out when they realized that they couldn’t ignore it anymore.”

Tim couldn’t speak, could barely even breathe. “How long?” he managed to whisper.

Bernard shrugged. “A month? Maybe two? It’s kind of...everything’s been kind of blending together lately.”

“You’ve been at Prism this whole time?”

Bernard shook his head. “Um, I lived in my car for a while. Then I just sort of ended up there. And it’s good, it’s better than it was, but I’m. I’m just.” He gripped the counter tightly, letting out a shaky breath. Tim moved his hand up to Bernard’s shoulder, and Bernard leaned into it. There was finally a crack in that facade that Bernard had put up, so small that it was nearly imperceptible. It was an expression that Tim was familiar with, but had hoped never to see on Bernard.

Almost unconsciously, he pulled Bernard into a hug. Bernard barely moved at first, didn’t even make a sound, but as Tim’s grip tightened he tentatively wrapped his arms around him, leaning his head against his shoulder. “I don’t know what to do,” he whispered, his voice muffled. “I’m trying to save up for my own place, but it just seems like so much. And the hotel barely pays, and no one else is hiring - or, they’re not hiring me, anyway. I mean, there’s always some supervillains looking for henchmen or whatever, but knowing my luck that would end with you having to beat me up at some point, and that would suck -”

“Move in with me,” Tim said.

Bernard pulled away, looking startled. It took Tim a moment to realize what he had said. “I mean - you don’t have to,” he said, his face flushing. “I get that it’s still kind of early, and you might not want to, but I just...I want you to feel safe, and I want you to feel okay. It’s up to you, I just wanted you to have that option if you want…”

“Yes,” Bernard interrupted him.

Tim stared at him. “What?”

“I said yes,” Bernard said. “Don’t make me start thinking about it more or I might change my mind.” When Tim still didn’t move, Bernard leaned in to hug him again. “Are you sure?” he mumbled into his shoulder, suddenly more vulnerable now that Tim couldn’t see his face.

“Are you?” Tim whispered back.

“No,” Bernard admitted. “I’m not really sure of anything anymore, though?” His voice grew choked as he continued. “There’s nothing really stable in my life right now. Nothing except for you.”

Tim ran a hand through his hair, holding onto him tighter. Bernard sighed. “Hey,” he said, his voice steadier now. “Now I can see your Robin Cave.”

“It’s called the Nest, actually.”

“Holy shit, I was joking.”

Tim didn’t get home until late that night. There was a lightness in his chest that he hadn’t experienced in so long that he could barely recognize the feeling. He didn’t feel afraid. He didn’t feel alone. More than anything else, he felt awake.

His gaze landed on Jaine’s business card, still on the kitchen counter where he had left it. Her voice echoed in his head - “Call me when you’re ready for this.”

Earlier, he had said something to Bernard - “We’re not alone.”

He called her before he could lose his nerve. “Hello?” she said when she picked up, exhaustion clear in her voice.

He swallowed hard. “Hey, it’s Tim. Um, Tim Drake-Wayne. Sorry that I’m calling you so late, I didn’t really realize what time it was…”

“No, it’s completely fine. I’m still at work, anyway.”

“It seems like you work really hard,” Tim said without thinking.

“I work hard because I love what I do,” Jaine said. “What’s up? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Tim said. “I just wanted to say...you said to call you when I was ready.”

“I did.”

“I’m Robin,” Tim said.

There was a pause, just long enough for some of that familiar terror to come creeping back. And then, finally a sound. A small laugh. “Jaine?” Tim asked.

“I’m not laughing at you,” Jaine said. “I’m just wondering how I didn’t see it sooner. What did you want to talk about, Boy Wonder?”

Tim exhaled slowly. “Everything.”