#and you should not be afraid to call out BS just because of someone's base character stats

[askshivanulegacy]

I've seen this post going around, so I watched the documentary (and that's really what it is - a documentary of this Somerton YouTube rando's vid "career") and not only does it point out how insanely bad Somerton was as a person, but it's also a surprisingly thoughtful take and pretty entertaining.

It's really incredible just how deliberately Somerton preyed on his fellow queer creators, while making himself out to be the queer martyr of the YouTube nets. The guy's a weirdo and a thief and deserves to have his career prospects trashed forever.

The swiftness and brutality of Hbomberguy’s complete evisceration of James Somerton’s career cannot be overstated.

[olderjodijournals]

Monday, June 1, 1998

 

Well, this is it. This is where I’ll do my journals. No more writing them. Can’t say for sure whether or not I’ll print anything I type here out. We’ll see. What’s most important is that I have them on the computer. I don’t know if I’ll have monthly files like june98 for example, or if I’ll have two months at a time filed like junjul98. I’m using an easy-to-read font and a deep purple color. For now, anyway. Meanwhile, it’ll take me time to get a format established.

Sunday was a freeloaderless day. In fact, I wonder if he’s been around since last night. He came in quietly yesterday, but last night at 8:30, I heard more packing sounds, and then he left without music. 8:30 is an unusual time for him to leave. All day today, I haven’t heard any car doors. The last few weeks or so have been really good as far as stereos in general go. For a while there, it got really bad. A day wouldn’t go by that you wouldn’t hear someone blast by 1-3 times a day.

I thought of something, too. The bitch and cock weren’t home when that aqua car banged around for a few minutes and I realized that that could possibly be the kid and the kid’s friend. Maybe the kid let the friend bang in cuz the bitch and cock were out. Kids don’t take city complaints and eviction possibilities as seriously as adults do. So all in all, that cock and bitch may not know about this aqua car and they may have nothing to do with it. They may even worry that I’ll launch another complaint if they find out about it. Well, for their sake, it better stay at an occasional outburst with the bass, cuz as soon as they go basing out on me daily, is as soon as they’re dead meat. They’re either out of here, or they’re dead. I’m not gonna tolerate no shit from them or from anyone else. They got the wrong idea if they think they can harass me again and get away with it. I’ll lay their fucking asses across the pavement.

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, Melanie! If Tom, who sees me every day, notices the weight I’ve lost, then she really ought to notice! It’s great when someone notices I look different (if it’s for the better), but it’s mainly important to me and that I feel comfortable. I’m happy to say I am finally trimming down and toning up, but I’ve still got a way to go.

In case I haven’t mentioned this yet, I’m inserting bullshit into the freeloader’s excerpts every few pages to keep it interesting. That way, if they get sick of reading how much I hate them and just what I’d like to do to them, they can read some interesting stories of shit they didn’t do and that may make them really read the whole thing through. It should keep their curiosity going so that they read on to see if there’s any more BS to either laugh at or get mad at. I’ve got stuff like how she chased him with a weed-whacker, she puked in the driveway, they asked me personal questions, etc. I already printed out and made into a booklet the excerpts on them from 1996-1997.

Later…

Oh, am I having a shitty time of it now! I can’t even do a simple thing like print out more journals to be proofread! I hate technology! You just can’t depend on it. The papers got all jammed up in the printer, and the CD-making thing was a bust. I got so sick of most of the CDs not coming out right that I finally said fuck it! I have a few good CDs I made, I did condense my CDs immensely, and I do have one edit CD, so I’ll live with that. I knew having everything I wanted on CD was just a dream, anyway. Just too good to be true.

I spoke with Andy, who refuses to quit calling me on weekends, and we might be getting together within the next few days. I have that stuff to give to him and Laura and I haven’t seen him in a while.

As usual, Andy’s life is as it’s been since I’ve known him. He, Michelle, and Quinn are all having a tough time. Andy says he’s afraid Quinn’s gonna kill himself cuz he’s been depressed and is not answering his phone or door. I hope he does kill himself because I believe he’s dangerous. Andy’s still loveless and lonely, and Michelle’s still a virgin and it ain’t by choice. She’s 23 and she’s never made it with anyone, male or female. She has the same problem I had. She’s attracted to very feminine women and as I can tell you firsthand, feminine gay women are one in millions and if you do find one, she’ll almost definitely want a butch. Fems don’t usually dig other fems.

He also fears that Laura and her sick pals may have drugged him. I don’t know if it’s just pot paranoia on his part, or if they did, but how can you live with someone that you fear may even think of doing that to you?! Doesn’t he have any self-respect?

I wish God would give them a break, though! God, just let them have love and great sex. Just let them have it! Is that too much for them to ask for?

Later…

Just took a moment out to get off with my vibrator. Oh, it feels sooo good! I thought of Melanie. I’d have gotten off with my husband, but that’s usually not possible as I well know.

The pool cover works great, and I’m looking forward to us getting a reel for it. The water at the top, about two inches deep, was actually hot. The rest was pleasant.

Yesterday we had a ball with the badminton/volleyball game he got for the pool. We didn’t set up the net yet for volleyball, but we played badminton. It came with 4 rackets and 4 birdies. Pink, green, blue, and yellow birdies. I actually had more fun bashing bees, than birdies. Together, we killed about 8 bees. There were so many!

It’s finally gotten hot, although not as hot as it usually is at this time. It’s usually 110º at this time, but we’ve been around 100º.

My allergies have let up. I don’t know if it’s cuz of the nasal spray I’ve been using, or for some other reason, but I don’t miss them.

Got to see Melanie today. Again, she didn’t look as hot as she did the first 4 times I saw her, but she looked plenty good enough. If I were single and she asked to get between my legs, I’d spread them without hesitation.

That nice black lady, which her kind needs many more of, came to get me. Usually, Melanie does, so I don’t know why she did. At first I was bummed, thinking Melanie wasn’t there, but then in she came!

She said she got that straightening iron we talked about the last time I was there and that it works well. She had her hair curly, though.

Hello, freeloader (it’s out slamming doors now). Yeah, I know you’re still there. How the fuck could I forget? Like you’d let me forget your sorry existence?

Anyway, I asked Melanie, “Since you’re quite the adventurer, have you gone bungee jumping yet?” She said she did last year, and it was scary.

That’s basically all we talked about. She said that yes, the tooth’s come down some more, and hopefully it can be bracketed next time I see her in just 28 days!

I got pink whatever-you-call-its instead of blue, too. She laughed when I said it clashed with my lipstick.

Amazingly, I finally woke up tipping the one-teens! Woke up at 119½.

After seeing Melanie, we went to Zia’s Records where all I could find was a Judd’s CD, but that’s fine, there are songs on it I love to sing. One of them I forgot all about till I played it.

Our last stop was to get him something to eat at Arby’s and to get me KFC. It was the most I’d eaten in days, and even after that, I still weighed 121! I thought for sure that 4 wings and one biscuit would put me up to 123, but nope. I can bet you that now, after two side dishes of macaroni and cheese, I am back up to 123, but I hope this is a good sign. One saying I’ll go from bouncing between 121-123 to bouncing between 119-121. That’s how I lost weight the last time, and I’d stay at certain weights for a week or two.

Tuesday, June 2, 1998

 

Just thought I’d jot down a few things while I was waiting for the potatoes to go soft. I’m boiling up some potatoes to mash. 

Last night I was like, oh my God, it’s all over! I threw away days of all this hard work. Yeah, I ate too much yesterday, but still, what I ate was a fraction of what the average person eats, and if my metabolism weren’t so slow, it wouldn’t have affected me. I woke up yesterday at 119½ and went to bed at 125! Major setback. My metabolism’s not at a complete standstill, or else I wouldn’t wake up a few pounds lighter, but it’s still really damn slow. No one should gain that much in one day. When I woke up, though, I was lucky to find that it wasn’t such a setback after all, cuz I was 122. I thought I’d wake up at 124. Still, things are going a little too slow. I should be in the high one-teens now regularly, so I hope to move things along quicker, cuz I’m gonna eat even less. Another reason I could’ve woken up that low was cuz of the attack I had last night for an hour. That really takes a lot out of you. If I didn’t know any better last night, I’d swear I still smoked. Even Lisa asked if I was smoking when we talked earlier.

It was about 3 AM and I had just gotten into bed. Next thing I know I was coughing up a storm and wheezing my ass off. It wasn’t till 6:30 when I fell asleep. So when I got up at 2:00, I felt drained and dehydrated. I even let myself have some canned peaches on top of water and coffee.

Tom and I peeled back the pool cover when I got up, and then he went to bed. After taking a quick dip and sitting out in the sun for a little while, then after waking up some more, listening to music, and exercising, I can say I felt much better. More alive and more energized.

The proofreading’s coming right along. From here on out, I should have fairly short journals and no more really long ones.

We talked some more about ways to get rid of our two unwanted cats. Scaring or hurting them won’t work. They’d either have to be killed or physically removed. And remember, this is all White Paws has ever known. Blackie will be getting fixed one of these days soon.

I called Tammy’s and got Lisa. Tammy was still out working. Lisa said she’d been thinking a lot of me lately. I’ve been thinking a lot about her, too. And worrying.

She says she’s suspended again for 10 days for swearing at her teacher and has outpatient therapy at Natchaug for 4 hours 3 days a week. They got her drugged up, too. She’s on a couple of medications I never heard of. I think they’re already out of school here, but there, they don’t get out till June 19th, says Lisa. Gotta make up all those snow days!

After telling me how much she loves me, misses me, wants to see me, and thinks I dress cool, she told me something that has me fuming even more! Guess Tammy’s taking Bill’s place with the hitting. Lisa says she understands she did wrong by cussing her teacher out, she loves her mother but says that for the first time, Tammy let her have it. She gave her a bloody lip and scratched her neck as she went to reach for her and says she’ll do it again, too.

Wonderful. Thanks, God, for allowing these things to happen. And I don’t believe it was the first time, either. I’ve seen her smack Lisa. Hell, she even hit me a lot and gave me a bloody lip when I was little. Before I was in my teens, mainly between the ages of 8-12. I asked her how old she was when Bill started smacking her around. She said about 9 or 10. So it was when I came out here.

She also says Tammy’s threatening her with foster care, so I reminded Lisa she should do better in school and find more productive ways to deal with her emotions, and why she does not want to end up in foster care.

Thank you, God, for blessing me with sterility! How could I have seen it as a curse and not the gift that it truly is? Never shall I make the same mistakes my mother and sister made or risk God murdering that child.

Later…

The freeloader just left. It had its music low, but I know its patterns. It’ll get louder and louder till I have to either contact the city or put its music out for good myself. The heat’s gonna stir this thing up. We’ll see how this thing returns at 9:30 or so, but it seems that after 3 months, our city letters expire. If that was even it. It had its quiet spells long before we ever launched a complaint to the city, so who knows why it is that he’s really quiet at times? Could be cuz they just don’t want to deal with me bitching about it or take the chance of me doing something to them or the car.

It is just gorgeous out! I love it at 82º in the shade.

Later…

Didn’t type much last time cuz it was just too beautiful to stay inside. So, I’ll type now while waiting to hear how El Cocko arrives. Unless it came back while I was under the headphones, or super quiet without even a door slam, it ain’t in yet.

I swam for quite a while at sundown. I wish the sun went down slower. I just didn’t want to get out of the pool. It’s not that I can’t stay in when the sun’s down, but dusk is my favorite time to swim. That way, the bees are gone, but you still have enough light to see around you. No swimming into any dead bugs that may be floating around. The pool chemicals dry the skin out, though, so maybe I’ll take an oil bath later.

I think I’ll go type my nieces letters for now.

Thursday, June 4, 1998

 

The freeloaders are still behaving. All I heard was a few annoying door slams.

I changed the mice’s cages today and did a new setup for the first time in a while. I had had the same setup for too long. They needed a change and they like it a lot, too. Especially Star, who’s always been afraid to climb. Another reason I changed things around is so that instead of just being able to roam around in 2 of the 4 cages, as she has been, she can roam around in the maze, too. I thought it might help her to get around more and teach her to climb and so far, it looks like that’s what’s happening.

Neither of us was in the mood for sex tonight cuz we were in the mood to just lay around and chat instead. It was nice.

Here I was the other day saying I hoped Quinn killed himself - well - he did. According to Andy, he had been afraid Quinn would kill himself, too, cuz of how depressed he’d been and cuz of how he’d been talking about it. I feel so bad for ending up falsely reassuring Andy like I did. Usually, and I can say this from experience from when I jumped is that if someone’s serious about suicide, whether or not they succeed, they don’t talk about it or warn anyone, they just do it. Guess he did both, seeing that he hung himself after threatening to do so.

I feel bad for Andy, who was still in shock when I last talked to him, and I wouldn’t say this out of respect for him, but I can’t say I’m sad over Quinn’s killing himself. It’s sad to see one be so miserable all their lives, but that’s just it - he was miserable and he brought others down with him and I haven’t forgotten those times he was a sick fuck. I know it was just a matter of time before Quinn became verbally and emotionally abusive to Andy again, and who knows what else? He was a druggie and a waste product so, in a sense, his life was over long before he hung himself. It’s like he never even had a purpose in life from what Andy told me.

The good I see in this is that it might help Andy to move on. I don’t see him running to Connecticut to be with David or him getting some other wonderful guy out here, but I still think Quinn was a bad influence in his life and when he wasn’t, all he did was hold Andy back.

At least now I won’t have to worry about Quinn hurting Andy and me having to hurt Quinn. Just because I’m perfectly willing to beat the snot out of anyone that may hurt someone I love and care for, doesn’t mean I want to.

As for why Quinn did this, I guess he just couldn’t deal with the real world, and as Andy said, he could never fully accept his gayness. It was probably that and a combination of things. I think he knew his life never meant anything and that it was going nowhere.

At least Andy’s dealing with this well. He says it only makes him want to live all the more.

Later…

Andy left me a message this morning saying he was sorry he didn’t call back yesterday. I had called him, but he had company. He said that after the company left, he just wanted to be alone. No problem. I understand. He also said he was going to go over to play with Quinn’s cat. Also, Marla called, so the family will know about it now. They’ll probably feel as I do - sorry one was so miserable that they had to end it all, but perhaps they’ll breathe a sigh of relief knowing that this potentially dangerous waste product, which’s a negative influence, is out of the way for good now.

Tom and I were discussing Andy and Quinn last night. I had left him a message about it when I found out about it, cuz I was gonna be in bed when he got in. He said he was sorry about it, which was nice of him.

I see the little animal kid was out playing with the Lopez’s kid. They were very quiet this time. I wouldn’t have known they were out if I didn’t look out and see. Guess they mostly stay on the Lopez’s property.

Later…

Evie went to a doctor about her weight and you’d think they’d tell her some complex thing to do, but nope. The doctor just said, “Don’t eat bread and walk 45 minutes a day.” I guess bread affects the body’s insulin and sugar levels. I don’t know about the walking, but I know that one must stop eating in order to lose weight. I’ve been at 121-123 for too long now so I’ve got to muster up the willpower to eat even less. It’s either food and fat or no food and thinness for me. A few bites a day will keep me where I am, but it won’t let me drop further down. I’ll be doing some walking myself, though, so we’ll see if it helps or not. Tom brought the walker back from Ma’s that we had let her use before she got so weak.

I left Andy a message letting him know that he could come over tonight if he wanted to. It goes without saying that I want him to call me anytime he needs to talk about something, but I hope he doesn’t use this Quinn thing, as selfish as I may sound, to play phone with me a lot.

I also called to wish Becky a happy birthday. Actually, her birthday was on the 3rd, but I forgot to call then. She’s 11 now. She also sounded like she was crying, but when I asked her if she was, she said she wasn’t. Maybe she really was, or maybe she was just tired or had allergies. Who knows?

Friday, June 5, 1998

 

It’s that time. The weekend’s here. I don’t know what to expect, as usual. When I got up at 3 PM, Tom told me there was a U-Haul over there. He said it was parked at a funny angle. Its back was right against the corner of their house, suggesting it was loaded with something they were holding for someone else. If someone had been moving in shit here, why leave it in the U-Haul? And also, if someone was moving out, why keep it in the U-Haul here? So, Tom’s theory was that it was being held for someone else and it was at that angle so no one could take any of the stuff inside. In other words, if there was a couch in there, you couldn’t move it out cuz the house would be in the way.

An hour or two later, a dark blue car I’d never seen before was sitting on the street in front of their house. Then the bald-headed cock jumped in the U-Haul. The blue car took off, and Baldy followed. 

So Tom was right. No one’s coming or going. The person in the blue car was who El Cocko was helping/holding shit for. Besides, my vibes tell me they’re it. They’re our last neighbors while we’re here. My vibes aren’t always accurate as far as when and if they’ll act up at certain times, but I would pretty much bet these journals that they’re it.

Tom said that maybe this person he was helping was moving into a house and maybe they’d go there for sports parties. Not a chance. First off, they want to at least have occasional outbursts to piss me off and be noticed by me. Secondly, if this person was going into a house, why not park the U-Haul there? Obviously, this person’s going into an apartment. And probably coming from one, too.

Later…

Just thought I’d write some more in between laundry, cooking, and dishes.

Andy’s going to Quinn’s funeral tomorrow. He was cremated a few days ago.

Andy and I haven’t gotten together yet, but we will. When we do see each other, he’s gonna be thrilled and amazed to see how many notes he’ll be getting. Yeah, it’s time to make him a new batch of “funny notes.” I used a handwritten font and oh, how easy it is to print these little notes out! I could never do this on the old printer. I had a tall square pad of 10 different colors. I took the reds and greens that I don’t like, so he’ll end up with tons of notes.

Yesterday I began walking on the treadmill. I never thought I’d enjoy walking so much. I’m starting with 3 10-minute walks a day. Every other day I’ll do my shaping/toning exercises.

Colorful Images really wants my business. That’s the label company. They sent me 10 very boring address labels that had Bob’s name all over them. So, I’ll be sending him some old journal drafts after I’ve proofread them and I’ll use the labels on him. They also sent book labels, CD labels, video labels, and a few other labels too.

The weather’s still unbelievably mild. It’s supposed to be 110º at this time of year, but we were in the low 90s today.

Saturday, June 6, 1998

 

Sent my mom a “Happy Birthday” message on AOL and typed Tammy a letter. 

It really bothers me that they’ve got Lisa drugged up, but it fucking figures. They’ve got her on a couple of different medications I’ve never heard of. I just can’t understand using drugs to solve problems. Drugs don’t solve problems. People solve problems. And sometimes people have problems that no other people can solve, but this doesn’t mean that they should resort to drugs on account of it. How can you learn to deal with your problems naturally, if you’re drugged up?

Is Tom ever gonna get up? I’ve been horny all night, so if he doesn’t get up soon, I’m gonna just take care of myself. Maybe I should do that anyway, cuz even if he got up now, first he has to eat, then take an hour to digest, then take forever to get started, etc. He’s just got so many conditions. Can’t we ever have unconditional sex? He has to have an empty stomach. The temperature has to be just right. The time has to be just right. Everything has to be just right. He can’t just have fun and not worry about everything having to be perfect.

And the tooth comes down some more. I can really feel it trying to force its way out. I’m not in any pain, but I can feel pressure in the area at times, and sometimes my jaw pops.

Ziggy has a strange way of wheeling. It’s like she rocks back and forth while she wheels. She doesn’t continuously flow around the wheel.

God, I’m so bored now! Should I do a fourth walking session, or what?

Sunday, June 7, 1998

 

Yesterday turned out good, but today’s a day that I could do without.

Here’s where I’m glad my husband’s easy and not your average guy. I was too horny to wait for him to get up and take the time to eat, digest, and do the many things he has to do before he can have sex, so I woke him up. We began screwing, but he went soft. He said he had to pee, but I think he really wasn’t all that into it. That was fine, though, cuz I just had him go down on me, which is really what I wanted all along, cuz I needed some relief fast! And naturally and thankfully, he didn’t mind being left out. So I can be selfish and not feel guilty about it.

From here on out, I could easily live the rest of my life with the vibrator half the time, and with his tongue the other half of the time. I could totally live without screwing at this point, although the variety’s still nice.

I feel so insulted and kind of embarrassed, too, to have lost just one or two measly pounds after the two weeks or so I’ve gone on just a few bites a day, and after the exercises I’ve been doing for over a month now. It’s hopeless. Totally hopeless. This is how I’m meant to be. I’ll never be any smaller than I am again. I lose a lousy inch in the hips, but meanwhile, those exercises never really did me a damn bit of good. I knew they wouldn’t too, cuz I’m too fat. The crunches just can’t cut through all that fat. I just don’t have the willpower to live on just water and that’s what it’d take. Meanwhile, I’m gonna fuck the exercises and fuck watching what I eat. I’ll eat what I want, when I want, but will continue the 30-45 minutes a day of walking. Once again, I’m gonna prove to Tom and myself, but mostly to myself, that there is something up there that’ll never let me get any smaller. I made a bet with him that if I walk down to at least 115, I have to cook for him 5 nights in a row. If I don’t, he owes me Red Lobster. 

Another thing I find insulting and frustrating, even scary and sad, is how I still have wheezing bouts and how I still need inhalers every day. Yes, I know it could be worse, I could still be in the ER and having bad attacks regularly and on more medication, but God? I don’t smoke anymore, so why must I still have wheezing fits? It’s like - thanks, God. Thanks for rewarding me for all my hard work in fat and wheezing. Adults aren’t supposed to have asthma. At least that’s what the latest reports say. You can have allergies, though. I swear, if it’s not the norm, it’s me.

Tom got this bright idea that if he brought up the CD-maker differently, it’d work all the time unless we got a defective CD. Well, he made me an audio CD and him a data CD for the computer OK, but when it came time for me to do a CD, of course it had to fuck up. It won’t work for me. Something doesn’t want me making CDs. I’ve been so stubborn, though. I just don’t know when to give the fuck up, but this is it as far as the CDs go. I tried, I got a few that I like, now that’s it. Time to move on. There is something really cool that I did do as far as CDs go. I made labels. There’s this CD labeler that lets you line up a label to put directly onto the CD. I used all different pretty graphics. They’re not photos of any kind, but they’re colorful. They have ocean waves, swirls, and designs like that that I used.

Again, why would I have the suspicions I have about Tom if they weren’t true? I know he doesn’t want a kid (thank God), but this means he’s gonna do what he can to block me from going to a doctor and finding out what’s wrong with me. He does not want to deal with it. I know finding out what’s wrong with me won’t fix whatever’s wrong with me and I wouldn’t want to, but I’d still like to know and understand. Not just have theories and guesses. I can’t let another year go by with this eating at me. I want to know why I’m sterile if I can be told why, so I can close that chapter and move on. I tried to talk to him earlier and although he said we could talk if I needed to, he just did not want to deal with this. I can tell. Every time I bring it up, he just does not want to hear it. Well, that’s fine, cuz I’ve got to do this for me. I’ll leave him out of it. He doesn’t have to go to a doctor himself. He doesn’t want to deal with it, he doesn’t want to go to a doctor - fine, but I’ve got to do this for me. I don’t see how they could legally refuse to help me just cuz he wouldn’t be a part of this, too. He won’t come out and say he refuses to support me or go along with me or go to a doctor, but his actions will tell that. He won’t make an appointment to go to a doctor for himself, and I know he won’t be supportive of me, either.

He tells me he wants me to be happy, he tells me I should do something about this rather than talk about it, he supports me through my ear, through my teeth, but not with this. I just know he’s gonna try to put a guilt trip on me, but like I told him in the message I left him, I’ve got to do this for me like I should’ve since we got married. I should’ve trusted my gut instinct, I knew something was wrong with me, so I should’ve dealt with it then and not let it eat at me year after year. I can’t keep putting this off and making excuses. That gets too easy. It may never be important to him, cuz if we did it his way, we’d never go to a doctor and if I never brought up testing/kids again, he wouldn’t either. No, I’m not going now, and not when I’m 34 or 35, but in January. I thought that’d be a good time. After the Florida trip, but before we move, so that’ll be one less thing we’ll have to take long trips into town for, cuz I’m sure it’ll take me a few months to find the answers I seek if they can find them for me.

I don’t want a child for various reasons that I’m sure are obvious, and I can do a million other things for Tom, but this I need to do for me. I need to start thinking of and doing for my sanity sometimes. I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong, any more than it was wrong of me to deal with my ear and teeth. If one has a problem, they should try to fix it. Like I said, I could go to my grave asking why I’m sterile, but I don’t want to. I know God sterilized me and why, but how did he let it happen? That’s what I want to know.

This isn’t to say that if I had been OK and gotten pregnant, he would’ve been your typical dad. I think he’d have stuck around and would’ve been very supportive and a good father.

He says he loves me, and I believe him. If he didn’t, he would never have dealt with me with my ear, teeth, and other things. I’m sure he’ll see how much this means to me and will take me to the doctor even if he came out and told me he didn’t want any part of it. I’ve lived with this enough years, he knows it, and I don’t need to add another year or 2 or 5 or 10. I believe him when he says he doesn’t like to see me hurt, angry, confused, frustrated, etc. Well, the not knowing sure is frustrating and it’s well past time to do whatever I can to deal with it and seek closure to it.

Later…

I just had a huge potato and oh, it felt so good! See, I never get used to not eating much. Instead, it catches up to me and my stomach wants to make up for lost food. Of course, now that I’m eating when I’m hungry and eating more than a bite a day, I’m right back to what I originally weighed. So all my hard work was wasted. I did what I did for nothing, and I don’t know why I even bothered in the first place. I should trust my instinct and vibes when they tell me I’ll never again be below 120 pounds. I don’t see myself going into the 130s, but I’ll be right where I am in the mid-20s indefinitely. Why do I even bother to walk? All it’ll do for me is raise my heartbeat and make me thirsty. I just want freedom from food and weight worries and I’m taking that freedom back. I’ve been on the weight and food trip for too damn long now. For 8 months I drove myself crazy just to lose a few pounds, then end up right where I started. Wow! I should be proud of myself, huh?

Later…

Yesterday I spoke to my folks. Boo and Max, who found a place down there, are gonna be leaving MA altogether, I guess. They took Mom out for steak for her birthday.

Tom did a lot around here. He cut the pool cover to fit the pool, set up the reel we got for it, and the volleyball net, too. He trimmed the little palm trees and did several other things.

Monday, June 8, 1998

 

The weekend went by fast, seeing that my schedule’s on nights. All I heard was some door slams a few hours ago to remind me they’re still there.

Andy’s coming over at 12:30. So if he really does come over, he’ll really be here at 2:30.

Tom got an air cleaner and a small portable evaporative cooler.

Kim sent an email with some jokes.

I just had some chicken. It feels so good to not worry about eating too much. I quit weighing myself regularly, too, cuz I know the scale will always say 122-128.

I don’t know from where, but Blackie’s bleeding. There was a drop of blood in the living room and a few on the kitchen floor, so I put him outside. Maybe he was in a catfight.

Tuesday, June 9, 1998

 

Well, well, what do you know? According to Tom, Freeloader Boy’s car hasn’t been here tonight and last night. That’s weird, too, cuz I could’ve sworn I heard him slamming around at 9:30 a couple of nights ago, and he didn’t warn me a change or absence was to come by blasting off, and my vibes never sensed anything. Well, wherever it is, it’ll be back in a few days or so.

Later…

It’s only 4:23 in the morning and yet the sun’s coming up.

Andy was over last night. He did what he usually does when he visits. He went on the web to read up on Stevie. Unfortunately, he was stoned, so that means he was a flaky ditz who was half out of it. I wish he’d come over sober when he’s more alert and receptive to what’s going on around him and to what’s being said.

I wonder if Blackie has worms. He was bleeding from the ass and he’s really skinny, so maybe we’ll pick up some stuff for it. It’s just something you put in their food.

As I said, I’m walking 30-40 minutes a day, but am doing very limited exercises. Just enough to keep my back feeling good. I’m still huge, but again, it’s mostly all in the gut and face. My goals have changed too. Obviously, I cannot lose weight for whatever reason, and I’m just not in the mood to live on water, so my new goal is to maintain the 125 pounds I’m now at. If I can’t lose, fine, but I don’t want to go above 125. So, that’s what I’ll work on and will walk to ensure I stay right where I am. Once again, I feel really insulted to have worked so hard to lose a few pounds only and to have quit smoking just to keep on having attacks. Yup, yesterday was my 3rd vicious attack. There really is never an end to this and it’s so scary and frustrating. I not only felt angry and humiliated, too, to have quit for nothing but a few saved bucks, but I almost had Tom get cigarettes. I almost said, fuck it! I’m gonna make myself smoke no matter what. If I’m gonna have lung trouble, it’s gonna be for a reason.

I wonder, though, could this be meant to be for a reason? I ask this, cuz it’s led to Tom and I taking action now as far as going to a doctor goes. Did God have this happen knowing it’d lead to us seeing doctors now cuz he feels it’s time for me to learn something I should know? Well, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my lungs or thyroid. If he were gonna do something to me, I’d think it’d be my female parts that he’d go after. But is it time? Is it time for me to see if I can find out what makes me sterile?

I showed Tom what I wrote about my being sterile and my wanting to know why and my suspicions about him. He said I’m all wrong about him. I said, “OK, then there’ll be no problems when I go to a doctor in January. I love you, I’d do most anything for you, but I need answers here and I can’t worry about you or care what you think of what I’m doing.” 

His response was thrilling. He said he doesn’t want me to care what he thinks as far as this goes. Well, then I don’t have to feel guilty. I can do what I gotta do to see if I can find out why I’m sterile, then get on with my life.

Anyway, I have an appointment with a Dr. Linda Brown out near Melanie in Glendale on July 13. This is when I’ll mention the asthma, see about making sure my thyroid is OK, see about getting my ear cleaned, then see about a female exam. When I have the female exam, I’ll mention the DES exposure and how I can’t conceive, then hopefully the ball will roll from there. It may take me time to find out any answers if I can, but it’s worth a shot. I just don’t know how much Tom may or may not get in the way or try to con or manipulate things, even if it’s on a subconscious level, but we’ll see. If he doesn’t cooperate, I’m still gonna see to it that they do what I need them to do for me. I still won’t tell them, though, that I want answers and not a child. Tom still swears he’s gonna make an appointment for himself, too, when I go for mine, but this I’ll believe if I see it.

Later…

Tweety’s in for a change, although I don’t know if it’s gonna get all that hot out. He’s actually doing this chirping that’s pretty and not as obnoxious as when he squawks.

Later…

I was peering outside when I saw 3 kids at the Lopez’s fooling around with a basketball. I said to myself Oh no! They’re gonna come right over here and play basketball. They didn’t, though.

Jesus! It’s only gonna be in the low 90s for the next few days. It’s supposed to be 110º now!

Lisa called me collect. As usual, I refused it and called her right back. She says that instead of cutting herself, she’s drinking. Great. Just great. Well, once again I went through my speech about how things do get better and to try to do something more constructive when things aren’t going well.

I wish I could speed up time for her and get her out of that house. Not that adults on their own don’t have their share of problems, but I just wish things could get better for her like yesterday. My heart goes out to her, knowing what she’s going through. She’s in my old shoes, I swear. The only difference is, is that she’s not in a funny farm or a foster home. I’d rather her stay home than be in some psyche ward or foster home (especially if the foster parents aren’t like Anna and Harry were), but I still think Tammy’s a shitty mother. Maybe she’s not like our mother was, but she’s bad enough.

Lisa says Larry secretly went down to meet her at school where she was doing something with cooking. That was really nice of Larry. I didn’t think he’d ever care about Tammy’s kids.

She says Larry wants her to live with him.

Right now, Lisa’s going through a lot of mixed feelings. She doesn’t want her parents arrested, but she doesn’t want to take the shit they dish out, understandably. She’d love to live with Larry, but she doesn’t want to leave home.

Then she tells me I’m young and cool and that’s why she likes me so much, on top of my knowing what she’s going through and her being able to trust me. That’s sweet of her, but I still think she’d be disappointed and shocked if she saw me. She’s seen recent pictures of me, but I don’t know if she realizes just how fat I’ve gotten. I’m about 25 pounds heavier than when she last saw me.

She says Tammy and Mark got in a fight. Yeah, I believe that. Lisa said something about him pushing people away and throwing things. That sister of mine knows how to pick them, huh?

It really pisses me off to hear that now Tammy’s slapping her around, so this is what I did: I typed a letter to her, and in it, I commented on how anyone that hits kids (referring to Bill) is sick, etc. Maybe she’ll look in the mirror after reading this.

Lisa goes in a van that picks her up to a place where she’s an out-patient. She goes for 4 hours 3 days a week.

Later…

Tom and I just went for a swim. The water was only pleasant due to the pool cover, or else we’d never have been able to get into that water.

He put up the volleyball net, so we played a little volleyball and badminton, but no bee bashing. There was only one bee that came along and he missed it.

I scanned some desert scenery pictures, as well as a few of me from when I first got here, for Paula.

Why oh why does Kim insist on sending me Bob’s letters? I tell her she doesn’t need to bother, but she just doesn’t listen. She wasted a stamp just to send me his boring letter, filled with the same old shit. Fortunately, he doesn’t write to her very often. Lately, he only writes when she does and she just sent a letter for the first time in 3 months. Bob’s letters are so fucking boring, that when I read (when I was proofreading) how much I used to love getting letters from him from 1992-1995, I was kind of embarrassed for myself. How could I dig getting letters from him?

Wonder what Miss Bitch was doing here on a weekday at 1:00. That silver Caddy pulled in, she and the kid got out for a few minutes, then she returned and took off, but I don’t know if the kid was in tow. It could’ve been left here with someone, but I doubt that.

Wednesday, June 10, 1998

 

My brother was supposed to call me back several days ago. I don’t know if he’s giving me the silent treatment or what, but if he is, I hope he’ll have the guts to come out and say so this time around. If not why, then at least I hope he has the guts to tell me he doesn’t want to talk to me. I told him up front back in ‘93 that it was his choice to associate with me and that I’d respect whatever he chose. He just wasn’t gonna keep coming back into my life. He’s either gonna be in my life or always out of it.

I woke up just 4 hours after going to bed, as usual. Finally, it hit me and I said to myself, if you’re waking up after just 4 hours of sleep, then that’s all you need. Especially when you’re waking up just because, and not due to some rude, sick fuck’s noise. So, instead of living on Benadryl every day, which I don’t want to do, I’m gonna just let my body sleep as long as it chooses.

Later…

The sun’s up so that means Tweety’s chirping away. The weather will be fine for him through the weekend. Of course, I don’t even know how hot or how cold parakeets can stand. Will we ever hit 110º? Even 105º? In Florida, it’s the other way around. They’re unusually hot.

Anyway, I hope that the weekend will be wonderful and not noisy. I’ll be up during the day.

So freeloader boy, are you over there? It’s gotta be back by now, but if it’s not, it’ll be back by the weekend, no doubt. I still think it helped someone move, but we’ll see. At 7:15 yesterday was when the silver Caddy came to get the bitch, so we’ll see if I hear Mr. Fuck slam out at 7:30, which was its usual departure time.

I’ve been having fun Raiding White Paws this morning. That fucking cat’s never gonna get it, is it? It obviously hangs around just to piss me off. Maybe there aren’t many dogless yards here, but what about an alley or something?

Later on, at about noon - 1:00, we’ll be going out and doing some shopping. I want to order the CDs I couldn’t find in stores on the computer for my anniversary present. Meanwhile, I thought we’d go to Walmart to see if he could find something for him. We may also stop for a bite to eat, and to pick up some books at the library. I don’t know yet if I’ll get fiction stories or true crime stories.

Later…

I never heard anyone leave from next door. Not even the bitch.

I walked 1.9 miles so far today at a pace of approximately 4 MPH and it all took 29 minutes.

Later…

Just did some singing for the second time today.

I did hear some sounds that may have been from next door, but if they were, I didn’t see anything in the way of any vehicles.

Thursday, June 11, 1998

 

Just thought I’d update while I was sneezing, as usual.

A blue pickup was parked on the street in front of the freeloaders yesterday. There was no writing on the truck, so I don’t know if it was a city truck or what. Then, a couple of white guys got out. One looked like he had a lawnmower in tow, the other an edger. However, I never heard any mowing from over there, and they weren’t here long.

I asked Tom earlier where the cock’s car was if he was helping someone move out of state. His answer made perfect sense. Since the bitch has subsidized housing and since loverboy’s not supposed to be there, he parked his car elsewhere for now so it wouldn’t be there all the time. It was there all the time for days during the Christmas holidays, but they weren’t likely to check and see its car there during that time. So, it’ll definitely be back, as my vibes say. Again, if anyone’s going anywhere for good or for a while, it’s not gonna happen till September. And that’s if. I think it’ll be back on Friday or Saturday.

Blackie’s acting pretty weird tonight. He came in and ate. He ate a good amount, too. More than the usual two bites. Now he’s sitting under the kitchen table where he’s been now for a while. 

I figured something was up with my folks for them to not be sending as much in the way of email. Dad said Ma has some kind of flu or virus and he’s gonna take her to a doctor. Hopefully, she’ll be OK, I told him, sorry I couldn’t help, keep us posted.

For our anniversary, Tom’s gonna get me the 7 CDs we couldn’t find in stores, by ordering them on the computer.

For our anniversary and his birthday, he wants a car racing game for his computer and cordless headphones.

We went to the library yesterday. I got a couple of Dean Koontz books. So far, the one I’ve begun is great. I’ll go read some more of it now while I begin my day’s walking.

Later…

Aren’t we off to an early start this morning! The Caddy (which may not really be a Caddy, but something that looks like one) pulled in a few minutes ago. The little bitch was doing something in the backseat, then the car left. I don’t think I saw anyone in the passenger seat and I thought I only heard one door shut, so maybe she just popped the kid in it, but not herself.

Walking goes much much faster with a book in hand. Reading and walking is it. Not music and walking. That’s for damn sure! I walked 30 minutes so far today but only went 1.5 miles so far. That’s OK. The time I spend walking is more important than how far I walk.

I Raided some food for White Paws. Amazingly, this desperately hungry thing ate it. I know God won’t allow it to die, though. Maybe it’ll get sick, but even that’s doubtful. Wish I could get a hold of some really potent, tasteless, scentless poison for her, but I know I’m stuck with this cat till we split.

Later…

Wow! I don’t believe it. I just went out back, fully expecting to see White Paws sitting out there, but nope. She wasn’t anywhere in sight. I’m sure she’s not off dying somewhere, but I almost wish! Maybe she’s off puking somewhere, but she’ll be back. Haven’t seen the bitch of a mother in a couple of days. She’s mostly off tending to her kittens that’ll be ours to deal with once they grow some more.

Later…

Sure enough, White Paws is A-OK. Out there sitting in the shade. I just sprayed her away for a while again.

Later…

Well, there was a city car parked on the street in front of the freeloaders’. I’d like to say that they found out Loverboy was living there, he split, and an inspector just came to ensure that he’s all moved out, but nope. I’m not stupid. Even if they were onto him and even if this is the case going on here, it’ll be back in a month or two.

I expected to get up yesterday after sleeping 4 hours, but nope. I slept right through. I woke up a few times, but I was able to fall back asleep in seconds.

I walked for just over 40 minutes and just over two miles.

Friday, June 12, 1998

 

Oh, this fucking cat! I mean, I love him, yet I hate him. After he eats, all he does is whine if I don’t pat him. I can’t spend much time patting him cuz of my allergies, which are back to being a nightmare. But then when I shoo him out, he doesn’t want to go and I have to scream and chase him out.

I swear my whole upper respiratory system, as well as my lungs, are forever cursed. I haven’t had asthma attack #4 yet, but these constant sneezing fits are driving me nuts! Today, I’m gonna wear nose clips all day. Yesterday I was so sick, that I had to take a couple of Benadryl, which knocked me out. Therefore, I couldn’t be up when Tom got home so we could order CDs together. I slept so long and was so out of it that I didn’t even see him before work. I woke up 15 minutes after he left. He said he ordered 3 CDs, though, and they’ll be here in 4-5 days.

I just have to tell myself that this is how it must be as long as I don’t smoke. If I’m not gonna have as much lung trouble, it’s got to be made up for in the nose. God’s just not gonna leave me alone. Just like I have to tell myself every day that I’ll never be thin again. I’ll never lose this weight no matter what my diet or exercise routine consists of. All I can do is try not to gain anymore and hope I don’t.

Just talked to Andy. He loved all the notes and says he’ll leave me a message later about the notes he thought were the funniest. He’s still his usual self. He’s working still, but he spends all his time stoned and on the phone. Where would this guy be without phones and pot?!

Later…

A cream-colored medium size car just came and got the bitch. Who are all these people giving rides to this bitch? God! Wish I could’ve gotten so many people to cart me around before I was with Tom.

Later…

I left Kim a message asking her to email Alex and have him email her about why he’s shut me out, then forward his response to me. However, she can’t email him, either. Like I do, he has blocks on to keep junk mail out, so her message got returned to her.

People fall in and out of our lives and by the time most of us are my age, you’re more than used to it, but I was a little curious to know if he’d give me an explanation. Like most people, he didn’t have the guts to tell me why he shut me out, but it’s got to do with something he read in those journal excerpts I sent him. But what? I know I said a lot of weird, stupid, and naïve things, but what could upset him that much? I don’t remember writing anything mean about him.

How weird. I just checked both the Woodside file and the Elm file and there’s not one mention of meeting Alex. Well, I was a vague and shitty writer back then after all. Especially since I never even mentioned how Maliheh kissed me when I left the bar that night back in Northampton 7 years ago. I never would leave that detail out in this day and age if I were meeting that sick twist now.

I prayed one last time to God as far as my weight goes, although I’m sure all my pleading won’t get me anywhere. I know deep down that this is how I’m meant to be. I’m fat, have been for a while now, and always will be. I just know it deep in my gut and heart. No, God does not help those who help themselves. And once I see that this walking won’t help any more than the exercising did, I’ll hang it up and accept my bigness. I’m through fighting for things I’m not meant to have.

This questioning why I’m sterile at the doctor’s next month has me a bit nervous. I know God. I know how he operates with me. If I go meddling in areas that are a no-no per his orders, and that isn’t meant to be, he could hurt me, he could hurt Tom or both of us. But would he for just a little information? I can see him retaliating and punishing me for trying to change myself, but what about just getting a little info as to why I am the way I am? Don’t I have a right to at least know about my body? Or is that a sin, too?

I called and talked to my mom who could barely talk. Through fits of coughing, she managed to tell me she has a bronchial infection and that her computer mouse died. I teased her by letting her know she could have a live, furry one.

Dad wasn’t home, so we didn’t talk.

Saturday, June 13, 1998

 

Well, it’s that time again, folks. The weekend. Will our little freeloaders be good? Is a certain little punk with a gray car back yet? Time will tell.

Once again, if I were smart, I’d keep my mouth shut about any testing when I went to the doctor. It won’t get me anywhere. It’ll just cause more trouble and Tom won’t cooperate and do his part. I know he won’t. I know he’s full of shit about wanting a kid, too, or else knowing I was sterile, he’d have done something about it a long time ago. He’d want us to go to a doctor, he’d want me to get tested to see what could be done, he’d want to get tested himself, he’d want to mention how he doesn’t cum much. But he doesn’t do any of these things. Why? Cuz he doesn’t really want to deal with testing and personal issues, and he doesn’t want a kid. Well, I guess that makes two of us cuz I don’t see how I’ll have the guts to bring it up. It’d just be asking for trouble from God and from Tom and they’d manipulate me out of getting the answers I seek. Tom suggested that instead of lying and saying we use rubbers, when they ask if I take birth control, to just say it’s OK whether or not I get pregnant and say no to testing for now. Yeah, I know Tom likes to put off and put off. Especially when it comes to the things he doesn’t really want or want to deal with, but that would be lying too. No, it’s not OK if I get pregnant. I no longer want a child. People change. People move on. The point is the sex and kid issue has never gotten me anywhere but frustrated and even downright pissed. The only way to deal with it is to turn my cheek against it.

Neither of us could’ve complied with what they’d have requested of us to do as far as the tests go. He’d be ordered to squirt in a cup for them. He wouldn’t. They’d want me to take my temperature and to have sex several days in a row at certain times. Now what good would that have done me with a husband who’s too busy and too tired for sex and who wouldn’t have cum if we could get together more often and at scheduled times? He says sex has to be spontaneous for him. It can’t be made into a job or chore for him. Well, spontaneous sex never set his Willie straight before, so scheduled sex sure wouldn’t do it.

My condition also is not fixable. So why should I fight to get answers to problems I couldn’t solve and wouldn’t want to solve anyway? I’m not that curious about it.

Same for my weight. That was really sweet of Tom to offer me a shot at going through the Jenny Craig program, but for what? So I can be labeled a control freak? So I can keep on not accepting myself and liking myself as I am? So I can go against God, and win or lose, be made to pay for it. He’d just go and do something else to me if I ever got thin again. So why eat bland food with no fats or sugars for the rest of my life?

I need to like and accept myself as I am and live for the things that are realistic. You can live putting your energy into things that can’t be, or you can live for reality and do things that are meant to be and that are possible. Things we can handle and that are within our control.

When I was last talking with Andy, who’s no doubt waiting for the weekend to fully set in before calling me to let me know which of the notes were the funniest, I told him it’d be nice if he’d visit me sober when he’s more alert and receptive. What a stupid thing to do. Andy’s an opposite-doer. He rebels and now he’s gonna really make it a point to come over baked out of his mind. He’ll be a giggling ditz who won’t get or remember one thing I say.

Got an anniversary card from my folks yesterday with $50 bucks of cash enclosed.

Tom, who ordered me 3 CDs so far for our wedding, brought up an interesting possibility. What if Michelle is Andy’s true soul mate and neither of them knows it? Maybe they’re destined for each other, not him for a guy and her for a gal. Tom says he’s heard of couples where a gay guy has a female roommate (maybe she’s gay too and maybe not) and after 10-15 years of neither of them finding anyone, they end up married. Or at least they end up together in some shape or form. I wonder if that’ll happen with Andy and Michelle, but who knows if they’ll ever be roommates again?

It’s just 5:00 in the morning now and here goes Tweety! Wonder if the trailer people who are here enjoy listening to him?

Later…

Well, another one of those goofy sex sessions, but I wouldn’t give in as he might’ve hoped and expected. I mean, give in by getting all mad or frustrated. I expect him to shrivel up here and there. It was another one of those cases where he was rock hard, then when he went in there, he went soft. He tried to say he didn’t even get in there, but he did. He was just in there for a few seconds, though, before deflating. I then tried to pump him up again, but couldn’t get him in the mood and hard enough to reenter, so I suggested he just go down on me, and we’ll try to screw again later (although I’m sure he’ll forget it and I hope so too!) As usual, he was never happier to oblige, and he even cracked some jokes along the way down there. He tried to joke and say that I should tell him if I’m not in the mood to screw. Uh-huh.

I better hope and pray that I’m wrong about that freeloader returning yesterday or today, cuz if it’s there tomorrow afternoon, it’s gonna make a total ass of itself for me over the fucking basketball finals. There’s a big game Tuesday night, too, Tom says. The freeloaders better hope and pray that for their sakes, they don’t act up, cuz if they act up, so do I.

Later…

Got a letter from Lisa.

Sunday, June 14, 1998

 

I totally, totally give up on telling Andy not to call me on weekends. It just doesn’t work, and I could kick myself for asking him to come over sober. I’m really in for it now! He’s gonna be so plastered when he comes over from now on. It makes me question our friendship. If he were a true friend, wouldn’t he respect my wishes?

Later…

Tom and I went swimming. Got several things done this weekend, too. He mowed and picked up some stuff we needed. I did laundry and some cooking.

Now that we have the “bee whackers” not many bees come around.

I began feeding White Paws again. I kind of felt sorry for her.

I made an anniversary card for Tom and did up his birthday card, too.

Tomorrow, we’ll be going to Red Lobster.

We got a card from his mom too, with a $25 check.

I called and spoke to Tammy today. New England’s been getting lots of rain. Boston declared a state of emergency over it. They were supposed to get something like 30”!

I guess she’s still in touch with Mark, cuz she’s in business with him. She’s been working with him at his sharpening business since January.

I know it has to be up to me to decide whether or not I want to give Jenny Craig a shot, but I asked for her opinion on it, anyway. She thinks it’s a waste of money and that you can do what she does at home by yourself. I tried that and got pretty much nowhere. So maybe I either need the help of Jenny Craig, something is wrong, or God just doesn’t want me to be thin again. I think I know which one it is. I’ve known it for 8 months now. Why am I so stubborn? Why don’t I just give up?! I’ve got to accept things as they are and live life. Enjoy what I do have and how things are.

Tom says Tammy has a point. You can do it at home, but if you’ve tried that and had no luck, it wouldn’t hurt to try Jenny Craig. We’ll see.

And as far as what I am or am not gonna say to any doctor about my sterility - we’ll see. Rather than decide whether I will or won’t say certain things, we’ll see. I’ll see what I feel like saying when the time comes.

Later…

Tom told me that some people put their journals on the web. I’m gonna check that out some time, but no, I don’t want to put my journals out. I can’t see who’d want to read them, but I’d rather a stranger read them than someone I know, cuz then I’d be embarrassed if someone I knew read them. Anyway, I just think it’d be interesting to see what I could find.

Tom showed me how to back up my stuff on a CD. I still have my journals, drawings, and things like that backed up on floppy disks, cuz it’s always good to have more than one backup copy. It’s amazing how much stuff a CD can store! All my journals, plus everything else that’s on the computer.

Tom’s getting ready to watch the basketball finals and thank fucking God that cock isn’t in the picture. Thank God for me. Thank God for them. If that cock were there, which I’m amazed hasn’t come back yet, it’d be rocking over there from one PM till at least 10 PM like it was June of 96. They’d barbecue, play ball, scream and shout, and of course, bass in and out like hell. God spared me from June of 97, too, cuz the cock didn’t come back into the picture till late June last year and the finals are in late May to early June.

Thank you, God, cuz I don’t know how I’d ever have been able to deal with it without going over there and beating the snot out of them!

I just can’t believe it’s not back yet! It’ll be back though, sooner or later.

Boy, were we bad yesterday. Our illiterate mailman gave us 3 pieces of mail that were the bitch’s. Later, he tried to get it back out of the mail slot when he realized he fucked up, but we’d already gotten it by then. (if he put a note on the bitch’s door explaining how he screwed up and how we got some of her mail, she’d be like - well, there’s no getting it back now! Ha, ha!

There was something from AT&T and Sprint long-distance phone companies. I got her number again too, cuz I like to have information. Although, this bitch doesn’t accept blocked calls.

In the third envelope was a 14-day notice to pay up on late rent from the city. This bitch’s rent is $181. It gets to pay just $181 for a remodeled, 3-bedroom, 1½-bath house, that little fuck! Well, little fuck ain’t got no pool, though.

Anyway, I stored her number, her account number that was with the late rent notice, and the address listed as the return address for this letter, on the computer. I don’t know if I’ll ever use this information or not (that’s up to them), but it’s nice to have.

Later…

It’s back. I heard a few bangs, which were amazingly not too loud, went out back, heard the car engine, then a door shut again. Yeah, I knew you would be back, you piece of shit. I was just a day or two off with my prediction. It was only for a few days. No wonder I didn’t sense it. It’s gonna fucking be slamming doors all fucking day and night as it unloads its stuff. Fuck!

Monday, June 15, 1998

 

And today we've been married 4 wonderful years! I'll be getting Tom up at noon, then an hour later we'll have lunch at Red Lobster. We'll be going when the lunch crowd should die down. I tried making CDs the new way that Tom set up and it's pretty much the same old hit or miss, but mostly miss. I got one CD and killed two. No one put out the recycle bin. I've never known them to miss a week of not putting it out. There was an APS truck over there earlier and Tom said there was no car next door when he left for work yesterday evening and none when he got off at 6 AM, either. Really?! Then I wonder what that was I heard yesterday. Must've been a Lopez car engine and something else shutting (that I thought was a car door).

Tuesday, June 16, 1998

 

Yesterday was a fun day, but let me get our city moochers out of the way first. They’re getting their lawn mowed now by those people in the blue pickup. If the bitch is paying for this herself, no wonder her rent’s late. Not to mention the fact that most of the money she gets, no doubt, is going up her nose. This truck doesn’t have any city emblem on it and my guess is that yes, the bitch, cock, or someone associated with them, is paying for this. I’m sure the city would say, “Hey, we give you a house for practically free so you maintain its lawn.”

Tom said that they have skipped weeks of putting out their recycle bin, so it’s nothing new.

Yesterday evening, that dark blue car was there for a while. The one that left with the cock in the U-Haul. If the cock’s back yet, I don’t know, but I guess seeing that car was a sign saying it’s well on its way back if it isn’t back yet.

They’re done now. At least they work fast and park on the street.

Later… 

Damn! I shit 3 times today, so you know what that means - no shitting for a day or two now. I thought walking was supposed to up your metabolism; not stop it. Something’s stopped it again, cuz I went to bed at 123 pounds, got up at 123 pounds, shit 3 times, and still weighed 123 pounds. What’s keeping all this weight on me and where’s my period that’s due?! God, you really want me to pay for better lungs, huh?

Anyway, yesterday we went out to a paper store where we spent nearly $100. I got 4 single sheets of stationery. One was a light purple that darkened down towards the other end of the sheet which Tammy got. Since I owed Becky and Sarah letters, Becky got a purple flower design and Sarah got a pink and yellow flower design. Larry got a wooden wall with rope on a nail and cowboy boots on the ground.

We picked up some wire binding combs and 5 different colors of paper. Got two different shades of pink, two different shades of purple, and bright lime green. The green and purples are thicker sheets of paper than the pinks.

I printed out my first journal using the grape paper. I used black text and a plain font, and purple text for the cover. I put the wrong zip code on the address, though. We have black and white wires. I used the white for this cuz the blacks we have are too big for the binder.

Then we went to Red Lobster and it was closed. So we drove out to where Melanie works and found one in that area. The lobster, which seemed smaller than the last one I had, was good. It was the company nearby that wasn’t. We were seated in between tables with kids. One had a boy and a girl of about 8 years of age. The other had a boy of about 3, its mother, and what was probably its grandmother, too. The 8-year-olds weren’t bad and they left shortly after we were seated, but the little boy, on the other hand, was what your average child is all about today. No manners, no discipline, no respect, no nothing. It threw a piece of food on the table. My back was facing them, so I didn’t see it, but Tom did and said, “Hey, that’s not nice.” Then Granny apologized for the kid. Then I muttered something about them watching and controlling their kid and teaching it to behave in public. Granny said it agreed with me, then Mommy went on and on about how we shouldn’t have said this and that, and something else I can’t remember. All I know was that I had had it and I stood up and yelled something. Mommy told me to sit down, in her southern drawl, or else she’d call the law on me. I told her to call them, saw how terrified she and the others looked, saw that she really didn’t want to fight and that she was someone I believed I could badly hurt (she was close to my height, but very motherly in weight and weighed 20-50 more pounds than me) so although I sat down, I was so fucking close to mauling her. I wanted soooooo bad to dog her. I was so pissed that my heart was thumping and I was shaking. Tom asked if I wanted to move to another table. I said loud enough for Mommy to hear, “No, I want to break its neck.” So after a few more gripes and “No one tells me to hush” from mommy, and with granny telling her to drop it, I did too, since she didn’t threaten me (or else I’d have dogged her without caring about the consequences or that the boy saw me do it). After the fact, though, it was pretty funny and I still joke about it to Tom and giggle to myself when I remember how terrified she was of me when I stood up. And maybe the boy’s learned a little lesson and mommy and granny will remember this and learn from it too.

That’s the closest I’ve been in years to a fight. Even closer than when that bitch came to this door. That bitch would be dead if it came to the door again, and I think it knew it and left while it was ahead and didn’t want to push its luck. Like I said, my days of kissing up to or turning my cheek the other way from the Rosemaries, Scotts, Mary Ds, Staceys, project assholes, neighbors, etc., are long gone. If you swing at me or if you threaten me bodily harm - you’re dead. Period. And if you don’t want to be, you better be a better fighter than me and knock me on my ass, cuz if you don’t knock me off my feet and keep me off my feet, you’re history! I won’t hesitate to severely maim or kill the next butch, bitch, Barbara, Bonnie, or anyone, male or female, that fucks with me.

I don’t know how I know this, but I do. I just know that no matter what my size/weight, if I ever get into another fight again, and I guess it’s bound to be sooner or later, I’m gonna do some serious damage. I’m going to cripple that person or kill them without even being able to help myself. After all those people I decided to get out of fighting with, and that I let cower me down from, that’s a lot of lost fighting to make up for.

Later…

White Paws was in the house today and fortunately, mama bitch hasn’t been around hardly at all. White Paws is still not as brave and as friendly as Blackie, but if I keep being nice, I’m sure she will be too. It’s nice to be able to feed them inside the house (not that we could keep Blackie from darting in and out when we open the door, anyway) so that ants don’t get the food and so mama bitch doesn’t come back.

That’s the second hang-up I just got that says unavailable on our Caller ID box. For the thousandth time, it’s someone we know. I just know it is. I’d say that Fran wouldn’t have the brains to be this consistent and that he’d have spoken up a long time ago, so my guess is that it’s Wendy or Jenny C. Probably Jenny. Hell, it could be Larry for all I know, making up for all the times I bugged Jenny. Maybe he’s calling from his business and knows that no info will show up on a Caller ID box.

Anyway, we went swimming yesterday and the water was too warm, so we didn’t recover the pool yesterday. Today it’s cooled down to a pleasant and refreshing temp. I wonder - can we for once and for all leave our pool uncovered till September?

Buying that colored paper got me in a creative mood yesterday, so I scanned several different sheets of colored paper that overlapped each other, to make colored striped paper. I also scanned in a journal cover and printed that out, too. I folded it in half to make it card-like.

Got a couple of phone messages from Andy reading me those favorite notes, and then a couple of happy anniversary emails from Kim.

I called Lisa to see what was up with her, and she is one stressed-out, depressed, frustrated, angry girl! I feel so bad for her. Tammy’s being typical Tammy. The way she’d be towards me when Mom and Dad weren’t around. Yelling, screaming, and using me as a slave and personal housekeeper. Now Tammy’s using her as a built-in housekeeper and babysitter, all the while screaming at Lisa and making her feel like nothing she does is ever good enough. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear Tammy’s name was really Bill or Dureen. She spends most of her time with Mark.

Lisa says she doesn’t mind helping out, she wants her mother to be happy and be with Mark, but she doesn’t want all the housework and babysitting dumped on her. She wants her mother around more. She wants to be a teenager and get out and do things. Not be a slave to a house and kids. It’s not her time yet for that. When and if she has kids, then she can be tied down. She should be living now.

Lisa wanted to get a job at a convenience store to show she can be responsible, but Tammy won’t let her work there cuz she needs Lisa at the house to work for her.

She knows not to tell her therapist that I said this or that, cuz that could get back to Tammy, but I suggested she tell her therapist and Tammy together, exactly what’s going on and exactly how she feels, cuz she has the legal right to file a complaint of neglect on Tammy. It may not do her any good, but she should at least do everything she can to speak out.

She then thanked me wholeheartedly for being there for her and said she was gonna call her therapist.

Later…

I was just sitting here realizing I’m late for my period, haven’t one symptom of PMS, my tits are only slightly sore, then it hit me. It’s time. It’s time for something wacky to occur with my plumbing. Remember two summers ago? That’s when I had that two-week spotting attack, and when that happened, I had the feeling that another screwy event would occur two years later. I wish I could say that it’s now in the cards for me to have a hysterectomy and that’s what this is leading up to, but I don’t know.

I spoke to Jen earlier. God, she and Lisa sound so different! Jen sounded like this perky, happy-go-lucky kid, while Lisa sounded so miserable. Jen’s now 5’ 6” at 105 pounds. God! Now it’s the other way around. I’m shorter, she’s skinnier. She’s working at a restaurant and babysitting. Sandy and Larry were at work. Larry’s been busy, she says, with out-of-state businesspeople. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t called. I left a message with his secretary for him to call when he can, nothing important, just wanted to say hi. From here on out, he either calls or he doesn’t.

Jen says she and a friend of hers who lives on her street, is going to Florida to stay at my folk’s place. Are my folks physically and mentally up to having two teenagers stay with them? Can they handle it?

Later…

I went for a quick dip in the pool, then I was gonna do some walking till I said, fuck it. I’m 32, I don’t smoke, fat is me and me is fat. I’m not gonna spend my life fighting for a body that can never be again, regardless of whether it’s a curse from God, or something’s wrong, or just cuz I am middle-aged and not taking any drugs that up the heart rate. I will watch what I eat, but I’m not gonna live hopelessly doing this or that to achieve something I could never achieve.

Later…

Oh, that fucking husband of mine! You know, I really hate it when he insults me with the sex games and denies what really is the case here. The last time we screwed, he wasn’t in the mood. Yet he’s trying to pin the blame on me by saying I got impatient and sidetracked and all this bullshit that never happened. Why is it always my fault he can’t perform sexually? No wonder I desire him sexually less and less and just prefer to take care of myself more and more. I love him in every other way, but I’ve had close to half a decade of this sex shit and I’m sick of it so if God insists I be cursed sexually, it won’t work, cuz I’m not gonna give in like I used to. I don’t deserve this shit.

Wednesday, June 17, 1998

 

My period’s finally starting. I should have a full flow tomorrow, but I don’t know if I will. My next period will be due on Linda Ronstadt’s birthday.

Last night my sister called me high on painkillers and it was hilarious. She went back and forth between laughing and telling me the details of her sex life with Mark, to being pissed about Mom and Dad. She says she has to have knee surgery, has a bum ankle, and something else, too. Yeah, that’s Tammy for ya! 

Then she went on to say that Boo and Max visit twice a year and call periodically. How nice of them to visit her twice a year, but when I lived just 10 minutes away, they never visited me. Meanwhile, she’s over an hour away. They never call me, either, but I know what it all boils down to. That crazy daughter of Dureen’s. They’d give me money if I went to their home or asked for it and for that I’m very grateful, but they don’t come to me on their own by visiting or by phone calls. Well, I certainly wouldn’t want them to do anything they didn’t feel comfortable doing and I told my folks this.

In Dad’s email reply to me, he said he thought I was acting "out of line" by what I had to say about them, saying they have given to me, and they always ask about me. Oh, I know that. I was just simply making an observation. Then he said that they went to see the kids while they went to Foxwood Casino which was right next door to Tammy’s. They went to see the kids? Now why would they do that? What’s in visiting the kids for them? Of course, I wasn’t stupid when he tried to tell me it was the kids they really went to see. Like they would’ve come to visit my kids if I had had any back there if it was next door to someplace they went, yeah right! I could be married with kids back in my old apartment on Woodside Terrace and they could be coming to see somebody on the floor below me, but that doesn’t mean they’d ever stop up one more flight to see me or my kids.

I accidentally deleted the email I got yesterday from Marla. I could’ve kicked myself for it and I hope she emails me again.

The freeloader isn’t back yet.

I’m utterly amazed at how quiet it’s been lately as far as stereos go. For a time, you’d hear several of them cruise by a day, but lately, I haven’t heard any. I shouldn’t say that, though, cuz now I will!

Oh also, my parents didn’t call Becky on her birthday. They did send her something, cuz Becky called to thank them. Then Tammy said something about how Becky was gonna hand the phone to her, but Mom said she didn’t want to talk to her, so Dad took the phone. Tammy had taken the phone by then and told Dad she didn’t want to talk to either one of them.

Last night Tammy tried to use me to get Mom and Dad’s sympathy (doesn’t she realize it won’t work)?! By asking me to call them to tell them I’m concerned about her having to have knee surgery. No, I wasn’t mad or anything. I’m used to her ways and it was harmless. Tammy will always be Tammy, I guess.

Tom picked up a bunch of shit that’s been lying around the back room for ages. I know it won’t be neat for long, so I’ll enjoy it while I can. Anyway, he did it so I could vacuum. I want to continue not having allergies and lung trouble.

In case I didn’t already mention it, we got Blackie some stuff for worms. It’s these capsules you break open and sprinkle in their food.

Later…

Well, my brother called the state on my sister today. Yes, Tammy called me to tell me that Lisa called Larry all upset that she can’t work at the convenience store, then Larry called the state. Lisa didn’t know Larry was gonna do what he did and according to Tammy, Lisa’s feeling guilty about it.

Later…

I got caught up doing other stuff, so I didn’t finish what I was saying about Larry, Tammy, and Lisa.

First, though, I haven’t heard a peep coming from next door. Not even car doors of the bitch’s rides in the last two days.

Anyway, Tammy called me wanting advice. I was surprised she’d ask for my advice seeing that I don’t have kids and can’t relate to what she’s going through. Also, I thought she was wary of trusting anyone. Well, she needed to talk to someone, so I listened to her. Her two biggest gripes are Lisa’s rebelliousness and mom, dad, and Larry’s having the nerve to judge her parenting and all that.

I wish the state could place the kids somewhere else. Somewhere where they’d be with someone who could handle them better but calling the state doesn’t do shit. All they do is come out and talk with the parent or parents, but that’s it. It’s nearly impossible to get a kid taken away from its mother. Murderers get custody of them all the time.

Later…

Well, someone is next door. I could see the sprinkler on over there.

Something just hit me - Tammy said Larry had a guy from the state call her where she works. Then she met the guy at her house. How did Larry know where she works? She works with Mark, and I guess Lisa gave Larry the address. Or maybe the guy called the house and Lisa answered and she was the one who had the guy call her at work.

Still getting regular emails from my folks. Ma’s better, but still needs to get her strength back. Dad says they’re proud of me for quitting smoking and happy, happy, happy anniversary!

Friday, June 19, 1998

 

Here we go again with the wacky periods. Had a few spots on the 17th (period was due on the 16th) but since then - nothing. 

The latest scenario at Tammy’s - they’ve been there investigating (the state) and will be back Monday. Why do they even bother to have these state people when they do nothing but look around and talk? They don’t take kids out of households they shouldn’t be in. Hell, if Tammy smacked all the kids in front of the state, they still wouldn’t take the kids away. Even Tammy admits she’s not worried.

It’s really weird with Tom cuz at first he was against Larry and meeting with him a few years ago, but now he defends him. He brought up a good question, though - how does Tammy know that it was Larry who called the state? I asked her this just now and she said that he called Bill at work and asked him to sign over custody of Lisa to him. Bill, naturally, told him to get lost. Not cuz he loves Lisa, cuz you don’t love someone you beat, as far as I’m concerned, but cuz he doesn’t like Larry any more than Larry likes him.

This is the second time I called Larry at work since he told me he’d get back to me and his secretary told me he’s tied up. I get the feeling he’s avoiding me which is fine but I told her to tell him that if I can discreetly help in any way, let me know. I know what he’s doing. I’m on his side, etc.

Saw Gloria live on TV and she didn’t look huge, but she really is aging. You could really see it in her cheeks what with the way they’re starting to droop.

Later…

Just printed out January to June’s shit for the freeloaders. I know June’s not over, but close enough.

I thought I heard music a while ago, but I couldn’t tell for sure what it was or where it was coming from. Tom says he still hasn’t seen the freeloader and its car since it left in the U-Haul. Amazing, huh?!

Got the Nicolette Larson CD a couple of days ago and The Dream Academy CD today, so I’m gonna go listen to that till the sun’s just about set and it’s time for my last swim of the day.

Later…

It’s still not quite dark enough for my swim yet. Thank God it’s 7:30 and not 5:30 cuz there are 4 kids at the basketball hoop now. The Lopez girl and 3 white boys. I’ve seen these boys before too and am pretty sure they’re part of the Lopez clan too. Or that some of them are.

Larry did call me and he said he didn’t want to get into the situation with Lisa and Tammy which is understandable, but otherwise, he sounded good. He even joked saying that it was 40º and that they were expecting snow so I could give him my laugh. He’s been really busy but hasn’t forgotten about me.

Kim sent me some more jokes that I didn’t think were very funny. It’s still nice to have the jokes sent to me.

Marla emailed me for the first time in a while (this time I didn’t delete it) and she basically said the same thing I said. Andy says he understands our point of view, though, and that she and I share the same feelings.

Andy never acknowledged it was our anniversary. Never called to wish us a happy anniversary or to ask us what we did that day. Deep down, I figured it was cuz he was jealous, but I asked him if he was upset with me to see what he’d say. He said he wasn’t upset with me. Just that he’d been in his own little world recently. True. It’s gonna be a while before he’s over Quinn.

We went to the library yesterday. I got 3 Dean Koontz books and one by some guy that I’ve never heard of before.

Saturday, June 20, 1998

 

Today we dismantled the old bunny hutch. It didn’t take long by using a pry bar and an electric screwdriver to pull the screws and nails out, but it would’ve taken quite a while had we not used these tools. 

In Ma’s email, she recommended some authors to me, so I’ll check them out the next time we go to the library.

No freeloader shit today and since I haven’t heard any car doors, which would be highly unusual if the cock were there, I’d say the cock isn’t there. It’s too quiet for it to be there.

Those 4 kids only played for 20 minutes yesterday so that was OK.

Later…

And here it is! I knew it’d be back and I knew that when it did come back, it’d return on a weekend. Yeah, I saw its car out front for sure. It took off, though, and I’m listening for when it returns. I’m sure I couldn’t miss those door slams even if I wanted to, though. There’s been no music yet, and no ball games today, but I can kiss the peace from the door slamming goodbye. I’d like to say that yes, it moved out with the U-Haul, whether or not it was because it was caught being here when it’s not supposed to be here, and it just popped in to either see the bitch or to get something it forgot, but nope. I’m sure it’s here full-time again and that it just went out for an hour or two and will be back any sec.

Sunday, June 21, 1998

 

At dusk, I was out swimming. The pool and weather were gorgeous. I love the temp at 82º in the shade. I was surprised the guard dogs didn’t spoil the peace. And no more ball games since the 4 came to play two evenings ago. It sure did sound like a distant kennel and daycare out there, though. I could hear lots of barking dogs a few blocks away and lots of screaming kids. Fortunately, it’s not next door! If it were, it’d be nothing but bark, bark, bark right now. The July dog vibe has eased up a bit, so that’s good.

Now, is the freeloader boy back? I’m just not sure. There hasn’t been enough door slamming to say that he is, but Tom will let me know if he sees its car when he comes in early in the morning. I’m still surprised I didn’t sense it leave and that it’s not back yet if it’s not back yet for sure. I did hear something earlier, but couldn’t quite tell where it was coming from. The freeloader isn’t always as obvious as he usually is when it comes to door slams.

I called Dad to wish him a happy Father’s Day. We didn’t talk long. Ma was out playing bingo.

Andy’s his usual selfish self who can’t even respect a friend’s wishes. Had to leave a message this weekend.

Kim sent me more jokes I’m gonna go check out.

It’s “small-time” again for me. Yeah, for a whole 5 hours. Then I’ll be all bloated and watery again till my next period. Yeah, I finally managed to pull off a good enough flow. I knew I would, though, eventually. I’ll just enjoy the fact that I’m the smallest I’ve been in a while it lasts, cuz it’s only a matter of time before this fat-faced, big-bellied woman goes right back to how she has been for how many months now? Has it been 5 months now since I’ve been weighing between 122-124?

My oh, so horny husband never touched me all weekend. Fine. I don’t want the problems it entails, and I can take of myself. I’m a big girl. He’s talking about tomorrow, though. I don’t think so. I love my husband, but not sexually. I hate him in bed. Unless he just goes down on me forever, I hate the bed charades.

Other than that, we swam together and got some things done around the house.

I could write more now, but I’d rather go check out my library book some more, but I’ll leave the computer fired up in case I do return to write more later.

Monday, June 22, 1998

 

Been up since 3 PM and the Caddy just slammed in. Just one not-too-loud slam. I still don’t know if El Cocko’s returned. I’m waiting to hear from Tom when he gets up. I think I know who is driving the Caddy, though. I think it’s her brother who’s about 19 years old and I think he’s a major drug runner too. 

A package for Tom just came. It’s mom and dad’s birthday present to him.

Later…

Caddy’s gone. I didn’t know it till I just checked. It seems to go quieter than it comes.

I called Tammy’s to see how the state investigation was going and Lisa answered. Tammy was at her therapist’s, but Lisa told me what I knew would be the case - case closed.

She’s bummed that she’s not gonna be living with Larry but understands it’s just not gonna happen. It depresses her that she can’t talk to him or my folks, and she asked if I’d pass a message along to them. So in my email to Mom and Dad, I told them that Lisa sends her love, but they didn’t hear that from me. They heard it from a little birdie, a psychic palm reader, but not from me. I’ll tell Larry the same thing when I do a letter to him.

Anyway, I told her that she’s 15 and not 5, so in just a few measly years, she can talk to whomever she wants to.

Andy’s been fired yet again. Good, God! And I had a vibe about it, too, when I saw that he was calling when he was supposed to be at work. He said the day manager had told him he was doing a great job, but then the night manager said, “Nope. You’re outa here.” And he had been making good money, too, finally. Unless Andy went on with the flirtatious attitude again, he really is cursed with jobs and sex. For me, it’s sex and doing what I want to do in life, but lately, life’s been good for me.

Is God trying to tell Andy something? Something like maybe it's time to get out of the restaurant business for a change? Go back east? We haven’t had a chance to discuss it yet cuz Michelle had popped over, but I’ll write about it after I talk to him.

Andy may not have a life, but I do and my life consists of more than phones so hopefully it won’t be an all-night thing and he won’t keep me tied up too long. I had chewed him out for the last time about the non-emergency weekend calls (which would’ve done me no good), but due to the fact that he’s jobless again and gonna need support, I told him to call anytime any day. But since Andy’s naturally one to sway against what others want, maybe he won’t call so much on weekends now that I said that.

Still eating a low-calorie, low-fat diet. I even swapped in the regular sugar that I use in my coffee, for Sweet-n-Low. Still smaller today, too, but I refuse to think it means anything cuz I’m sure it doesn’t. I’m sure I’ll fill out again. As long as I stay under 125. That’s what’s most important to me now. When I’m at 125 or higher, rocking becomes very uncomfortable.

Tuesday, June 23, 1998

 

Tom’s gift surprised me. I really thought my folks would send him something along the lines of clothing and flags, but instead, he got a clock radio with a weather alert system.

My folks say they wish they could hear from him more often and he says he’s gonna email them tomorrow, but I don’t know. I think that’ll be just one more thing he says he’s gonna do but doesn’t. I told him that they’d love to hear from him about once a month or so, but we’ll see. It’s up to him. 

And I’m still smaller. Amazing, huh? I haven’t broken down and weighed myself yet, though. I’m trying to stick to doing that once a week only. I’m sure I’m still between 122-124 anyway.

Sex was the usual problem it is. Once again, I got him rock hard with my hand, then when he went to go in there, he went soft. He now claims it’s due to back pain. Why doesn’t he just come out and tell me he’s not interested? Why say he wants more sex and why say he’s in the mood when he’s not?

Later…

Andy and I spoke and sure enough, he flirted it out at the job he just lost. He said all the customers, co-workers, and managers, were flirtatious too. I don’t doubt that knowing how human beings are, but once again, God is not an equal opportunity doer or sayer. Meaning that just cuz the general pop can do or say this or that doesn’t mean he can. Remember? Some of us are different. He’s got to stop doing this! When’s he gonna learn? No wonder he bitches that he can’t get ahead in life. He’s too stubborn. He’s too bent on doing the opposite of what people ask of him or of what he knows he should be doing. Maybe he likes this and maybe he wanted to get fired, I don’t know. It does no good telling Andy not to flirt at work or not to associate with druggies and losers if he can’t attract someone nice right now, and not to settle. The more you tell him this, the more he’ll go against your advice and he will flirt and he will settle on the Lauras of this world as pals and roommates and on the Quinns of this world too.

It’s sad to see him in such a rut and in the same boat all these years. Nothing’s really changed with him since I’ve known him. He is more tolerant of those needing to talk and doesn’t kick a person down further that is already down, he’s much more sensitive, but he’s still the same old as far as his life goes. I know what it’s like to be stuck in a rut, but he won’t even try to get ahead. I’m not saying that God’s not against him in some ways. Yes, I think he’s had a major play in keeping Andy held back, but Andy can change some things. Maybe he can’t get Mr. Right, but he can avoid the next Mr. Wrong (Quinn) and he can shut up at work. Let everyone else say whatever they’re gonna say, but shut up!

Andy, if you ever read these journals for some reason I can’t foresee, especially the stuff I’ve written over the last couple of years or so, you’re gonna hate me! Well, try not to. I still love you. It’s just that I’ve come to be a bit different over the years, as you yourself have said. I outgrew the phone and a lot of our old ways, although I’ll always have my crazy laugh and lots of funny memories to cherish! Leaving Nerve hanging on the line at the bitch was fun and the calls we made were fun while we made them. I don’t regret the past, buddy!

Tom picked up a new shower massager and aerator for the kitchen sink. They’re the best ones yet.

Unfortunately, I was not up when Lisa tried calling twice today. I called Tammy to ask if she called. When she said no, I said that I must’ve read the caller ID box wrong so that she wouldn’t go asking Lisa questions. I’ll try to call Lisa in the morning and hope that Tammy’s at work when I do, to see if I can find out what’s up. Tammy didn’t say anything, though.

My ma says she’s shipped some bedding out to us. I asked her why I never see her on my buddy list on AOL and if she had a block on it and she said she doesn’t know how to use it and maybe I could teach her. I told her I thought I could show her how, but to tell her how would be a different story, so I forwarded her message to Tom so that maybe he could help them.

Now here’s something that could be good news concerning El Cocko. El Cocko still hasn’t been around. I only saw its car once last Saturday. There’s been no music trouble, either. Once again, if they could stay the way they have been, then I’d love for them to remain my neighbors till we move.

El Cocko returned in a U-Haul, so why not go out in one? I thought about it and realized that this fuck must’ve moved out and it must’ve known it was gonna be gone for a while, or else why pack enough shit for a U-Haul? And also, if it were helping someone else move, wouldn’t it be back by now? And why was the driver that left with him driving a blue car and not the freeloader’s gray car?

How did I miss vibing it, though? Could the September vibe mean that’s when it’ll return? Well, if it does, I hope it’s after Labor Day, cuz if it is out of the picture for Labor Day, maybe there won’t be hell to listen to from over there that day. Just about all the outbursts that have taken place have taken place when he’s been there. The dog, the music, the ball games, the parties, have all been in his presence, so hopefully it’ll be gone for a long long time. I know it’ll come back at some point. That’s bound to be. The question is, though, will it be back in 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, or a year?

I also don’t think it went very far. It’ll probably pop in every 2-4 weekends to see the bitch.

After carefully monitoring my fat and calorie intake, and what with how I felt when I got up, I really thought that this was it; I had busted into the one teens for sure and was maybe 119½ at the very least, but nope. Again, how insulting! No God does not help those who help themselves, any more than he wants everyone to “be fruitful and multiply” as I hear the bible says.

I’m telling you - it’s either bend to God’s will or drive myself crazy! See, I know I’ll be 122-124 pounds indefinitely, it’s just that I’m having a hard time accepting it. I’ve been down this road before, though, and have had to accept plenty of other things, so I’ll accept this too, in time.

The thing of it is, though, is that if I ever got thin again, he’d do something else. There’d just be a new problem to deal with for quite a while, so maybe I’m better off fat. Especially if the replacement would be worse. When it comes to my life, compensation is what it’s all about. He won’t give me anything without taking something from me. He gave me the strength to not smoke. Therefore, he took my thinness away.

I think that it was a psychological delusion. Due to how I’ve been eating, I tricked myself into thinking that maybe things had changed for once, but I’m still the same big-bellied, fat-faced thing I’ve been for months now. My legs are the size my waist should be and my waist is what my hips should be.

Wednesday, June 24, 1998

 

I typed a letter to Larry and told him to tell Sandy that if some rude pervert asks to get in her pants, to tell him, “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.” This is based on one of the jokes I received from Kim.

Tom did email my folks and that was nice of him. My mom has this thing about signing off her messages as “the mother.” So Tom signed his name, then typed, “Or am I supposed to sign off as ‘the son-in-law’?” I got a kick out of that and I’m sure my folks did, too.

I got to thinking and wondering about something. No God, I’m not gonna go against you and ask for more trouble, but could this weight be lost in notches? By the way, first of all, my water has filled right back out on me like I knew it would and I’m sure I’m closer to 124 pounds now. Anyway, as I was saying, when I starved all those years ago for about 3 days, I began losing weight, then I kept on losing it, even though I had returned to eating whatever I wanted to whenever I wanted to. After going about 4 days on just a few bites a day a little while back, I went from constantly weighing 124-126 to constantly weighing 122-124. What if I did this again for 4 days? Would it put me to 120-122? Could I do this in stages? I’m sure I couldn’t, but it’s an interesting thought. Meanwhile, I’m fat to stay and I know it.

My dear best friend really is losing it. He’s jobless, he ain’t got Quinn’s dick to turn to, so he is really, really losing it. TV, music, phones and pot. That’s all he knows. Get this - he calls me up saying that on a one-hour show about violence against gays, I had a part in the show. He says one of my tapes was played. An old tape of us making prank calls and our edits from back in Springfield in 1989. I don’t think so! What? Did the pigs seize my tapes, send them to Hollywood and tell them to help themselves? And we didn’t call and bash gays, so maybe he’s talking about how when they’d hear a gay voice (his) they’d bash gays and that’s the tapes he’s talking about. But still, there’s no way in his delusional, doped-up mind, that any tapes of us making prank calls, or the edits, were used in a movie.

Later…

Yesterday I called Lisa to find out what was up. Well, she told me alright. She told me she cut herself. All I could say about it was the usual. She said she called Larry at work and told him. She said he said the ball was in her court and she should do what she needed to do. Sounds like he’s giving up on her, but I don’t know.

Thursday, June 25, 1998

 

Again, how do I get used to cigarettes again and how did I get used to them in the first place? Yeah, I had Tom get me cigarettes again. He got them nearly an hour after I asked him to, though. I know he wanted to eat and wake up, but I think he was stalling with the hopes that I’d change my mind. 

Accepting the new fat me just isn’t as easy as I hoped it’d be. What if it takes me as many years to accept it as it took me to accept never having a kid, among other things?

If I can rehook myself to cigarettes, I’m gonna quit again either way. I’ll either lose weight and will stop eating when I stop smoking again. Or I won’t lose weight but will quit again and go to a doctor to find out why I can’t lose weight. If the doctor tells me there’s really nothing I can do about it, and that that’s just the way some people are, especially older non-smokers whose heart rates and metabolisms differ from those who are younger or who smoke, only then can I accept my fate as a fat person. Like I said, I know I’ll be fat either for a long time or for the rest of my life, but I just can’t seem to accept it. Here’s a scary thought, though. What if I can’t quit the second time around? I thought that because I lost a lot of weight once, I could do it again. Obviously, I was wrong, so what if I can’t quit smoking again if I return to it? I never thought I’d have such mixed emotions as far as my finally being able to get off the cigarettes and my no longer wanting a child goes. I’m happy I quit smoking and improved my lungs (some of the time), but that only made me fat. I’m glad I finally stopped wanting the child I could never deal with or have, but still, I feel like I’ve swapped one problem for another. I feel controlled and as if all rights to choose have been stripped from me. If I miraculously could be thin again with or without cigarettes, I’d have some new problem thrown at me. If I decided I wanted a kid again, could magically fight God and Tom to get that kid, my new problems would be the fact that I could not handle a kid cuz of my schedule and cuz of the way I am. I know I’d only be another Dureen and Tammy and that I’d abuse it. I can see now just how easy it’d be to succumb to beating it and throwing it away to foster homes or funny farms. Tom says that’s the first step to doing something about it, but it’s not that easy. Just cuz you know you shouldn’t do something, doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to do what’s right.

Or am I just telling myself this shit to make it easier to deal with what I’ll never have???

So, the point is, I feel trapped and hopeless either way. Most of my problems, like my schedule, inability to sleep with my own husband, and infertility, aren’t your common everyday problems that can be fixed, they’re rare, unique, freakish problems that I could never fix. I feel like I’ll be trapped, overwhelmed and miserable no matter what. I either smoke and make my lungs worse, I either don’t smoke and be fat, I either don’t have a kid and wonder from time to time just what I could be missing or if I was right about how I feel it would have been like, or I have a kid and suffer the consequences of that. Meaning, the giving up of my life and the not being able to handle it. The bottom line is that there is nothing I can do about these things. It’s out of my hands. I have no say in these matters whether I tried to have some say in it or not. I can’t fight God and I can’t fight my husband. So, all I can do is try to remember that God made me and my life as it is for a reason and that if I didn’t have the problems I do, there’d only be other problems that I’d have. Also, I believe that if Tom really wanted a kid as bad as he says he does, he’d push me a little harder to see what could be done about that.

Maybe I could do something about my fat and my inability to reach out for help in fixing my female parts due to my fears about being a parent if Tom suggested every day that I should do whatever I could do to fix these problems and go to a doctor, but I can’t make Tom suggest things he doesn’t want to suggest. And a repetitious daily suggestion is what it’d take too. I’m that scared and weak. I wish I could conquer my fears, but I can’t, and I can’t make my husband say something that isn’t in his heart or that isn’t important to him. My husband will still be fine and will still love me if I stay fat and he’ll be OK and still love me if I can’t get up the nerve to speak out about my sterility to a doctor and try to fix it, then try to handle motherhood if they could make that happen. Even if a doctor could make my parts work OK at the snap of their fingers, we don’t have the proper sex for making babies. We couldn’t get me pregnant cuz my screwy schedule and his busyness prevent us from having sex more than once a week and that, combined with his age, pains, tiredness, and him being just the way he is, prevents us from cumming regularly. The way to impregnate a woman is to cum at least 5 days in a row, but that is not Tom S any more than it’s Tom S to sit and make prank phone calls. He is how he is, and I am how I am (not always so great in bed) and no doctor can fix/help us. So even if a million people cheered me on about these issues every day, what good would it do? I’m beyond help. My fate’s been sealed a long time ago as far as these issues go. I said that years ago and I’m still right about it and will always be. Nothing will change about that, but I still have such a hard time accepting my fatness. I know I will someday, and I know that when I do finally accept it, I’ll have a new problem that’s hopeless and that I cannot fix and that I’ll have to accept.

Later…

I have a lot to fill you in on now that my moods have stabilized back out to what they usually are, thank God.

First of all, Lisa tried calling again today. In the morning I’ll see if I can see what’s up. I hope to hell she didn’t cut herself again. I told Tom I didn’t feel I was competent enough to help her and he said I was doing all I could do and was doing an excellent job. Then why is she still cutting herself? God kept kids away from me for a reason and that’s cuz he knows I couldn’t deal with them. Thank God, though, and why oh why I ever thought I’d not only want to throw my life away on a kid, but have a Lisa living under our roof, beats the shit out of me. Tom says that in time, my words will sink into Lisa and that she’ll get better. I hope so!

Anyway, it’s one thing to know that something wanted me to quit smoking and that something does not want me to return to cigarettes, but then there’s really knowing! Yes, it was really drilled into this thick skull of mine the hard way. The other few times I tried smoking again, I just got a slight headache and a bit of nausea. Not this time! This time I got the headache and nausea, but I was also very dizzy too. So I ran into the bedroom and turned on the fan and blew it on myself to help clear my head. Then I went back out and smoked again, suddenly more determined to rebel against God and do all the things he’s forbidden me to do. What quickly changed my mind, though, was that the next time I had decided I could use some wind, he had broken my fan. Yup, the only loud fan we’ve got. He couldn’t just wait one more lousy year! Like what happened next wasn’t enough of a punishment and enough to drill it into my head that I must not smoke for reasons I don’t know if I’ll ever know?!

Anyway, I woke up at 120½. Not cuz this low fat/cal diet decided it’d work for once. Not cuz God decided to help me help myself lose weight. But because I ended up puking what I’d eaten early on in my day and was too queasy feeling for the rest of the day to have anything more than a few grapes, a few bites of spaghetti, and liquids. I know better, though. By the end of the day, I’ll be right back up to 124 and will stay that way for quite a while. I still have a virtually non-existent metabolism and while it’s a shame, it’s true that I either gotta get sick, or stop eating, in order to lose weight. I wish I could make myself bulimic, but I can’t. I can’t live on liquids either.

I know that something not only wants me not to smoke, but it wants me heavy, too. It’s important. It’s necessary for some reason I haven’t discovered yet, but I absolutely must never smoke again or lose weight, according to something up there. There is a reason why I was destined to quit smoking when I did, then get fat. I just hope this extra fat and nutrition it brings isn’t to help me survive a bad accident or illness, but there is a reason for it. I wish I knew what that reason was, though, and I guess I’ll be finding out one of these days.

To make matters worse, I had puked in the sink, figuring I could wash down the puke as it came out of my mouth so I wouldn’t have to see it and prolong my puking any more than necessary, but this asshole just clogged up the drain.

Tom came home for a while and later, he fixed the sink and bought a new fan. Unfortunately, they don’t make fans as loud as the older ones. I have two fairly quiet fans in the bedroom now and I’ll be sleeping with the music on in the daytime. I had stopped the music cuz Caddy kid thankfully dropped out of the picture, but according to Tom, he’s back and I didn’t hear him. He says he went by and went to check and saw it was him. Well, he must’ve just begun his cruising by 3 times a day again or wasn’t playing his music as loud as he usually does, cuz I don’t see how I could’ve not heard it over those two quiet fans and with the music, which I don’t play that loud. Only loud enough to hear its beat, but I guess it does do a good enough job of blending in with the beat of our city animal’s stereos. That was the idea after all.

Tom says that due to the fact that cigarettes are poison, it does make people puke, and that fan was very old. I’ve never heard of anyone puking from cigarettes. Why didn’t I puke when I first started smoking? And yes, that was an old fan, but it’s quite ironic that it breaks down when I do something that’s a no-no in God’s eyes. Cigarettes don’t make fans break or make people puke, something that doesn’t want a person smoking makes that fan break (something it knows is important to me) and makes that person puke. I never would’ve believed it and I’ll bet most others wouldn’t, too, if they heard that someone that quit smoking, can’t return to it no matter how hard they try. That’s not the way it works. Almost all smokers who quit for at least 2-4 weeks end up going back to smoking and they don’t puke. It’s me. It’s me again. Something doesn’t want me smoking and to top it off, it wants me fat, too, but why??? At first I thought about God doing this to me cuz he wants me to go to a doctor, and that I am fixable, and that he wants me fixed, and he wants me to have a kid now. (being a non-smoker would help ensure a healthier baby) And the reason why he wants me to go to a doctor and couldn’t have had one on my own all along is simply cuz he knew I was gonna be too stupid to do the right thing and prevent myself from conceiving back when I was a young, dumb, naïve 21-year-old. But he’d be forgetting something if this were the case. What about my inability to keep a schedule? What about the fact that I couldn’t handle a kid? Besides, that’s not what I want anymore. My idea of a good time is being with my husband, taking care of the animals, doing my hobbies, etc. Not playing Barbies with some smelly little kid or having a Lisa under our roof cutting herself.

Well, I know that his reasons have nothing to do with a kid, but what do they really have to do with? Why must I not smoke and stay fat? His decision to have me remain smoke-free isn’t the problem, it’s the fat that’s the problem. It’s got to be for more reasons than just mere compensation that’s got me so fat. Well, all I can do is just hope that his reasons are for the better and that it’s not cuz of something bad to come.

Friday, June 26, 1998

 

Our little freeloader just slammed in. I heard two car doors really loud like it wanted to get someone’s attention. Someone meaning me, of course. Some people just don’t give up! It’s parked up front, so hopefully that means it’ll leave. I couldn’t see for sure if it was his car, but who else would it be at this hour? I just hope it doesn’t plan on staying the weekend, but we’ll see. 

Later…

Fuck! The freeloader’s still here. I know what this means, too. It means it’s negotiating with her about coming back. This is a definite sign saying it’s on its way back. As it got closer to moving back in last year, its visits got more frequent and its overnight stays increased, too, then it was back to stay.

Later…

In just a couple of hours, daylight will be here and I’ll be able to see this vehicle more clearly that’s parked out front. It looks a little tall to be the freeloader’s gray car and the shape seems a bit off. You never know what a car dealer’s gonna be driving, though. Or car thief. Whichever it truly is. I just hope it’s not back in a Jeep again. something about jeeps makes him tend to blare the music more, but let him. Cuz if he does, he’s out of here and so is the bitch. So far, though, there’s been no music and it’s great not hearing a million door slams a day. For now, anyway.

I’ll also call Lisa to see what’s going on. I’ll call her at 6 AM our time which will be 9 AM her time and when Tammy will be gone to work.

Later…

How the fuck can that cat still be alive?! White Paws came in to eat, then I decided to torment the little bitch with a broom handle since I still don’t like this cat like I like Blackie. White Paws sort of takes after her bitch of a mother. After a few minutes of jamming the broom tip into her head with all my strength, she bolted for the door. I caught her in the door by her neck and pressed with all my strength. She wailed, but since I didn’t feel like pressing this door into her forever, I let her go and she ran to the side of the house where the cinder blocks are where she was born. Blackie followed her.

Blackie just came back in to eat some more, but White Paws won’t. She’ll be stupid enough to come back tomorrow, though. If she doesn’t die today, then yes, God really wants me dealing with this cat while we’re still here. In fact, she’s already getting braver. She’s now out back, rather than at the side of the house (I just went out to give Measles mice food since it has the same seeds/grains birds eat). What is it with cats and abuse? Do they like it? Or are they just too stupid to remember it and avoid it from happening again?

Later…

Boy, are we getting weirder by the minute! I just can’t keep up with all these cars and people at the freeloaders. That car was not the gray car. It was a red car. Again, it was fairly new and fairly nice.

At 7:45 I saw the bitch walking up her driveway. Maybe she went out to pick up newspapers. A few minutes later that silver Caddy pulled up and it waited 15 minutes for the bitch. I think it was that same car, but this time, the driver was female. If I heard right, the bitch put the kid in this car, but she didn’t leave in it. She and the driver were talking as loud as can be, as rude as can be, as if they were the only ones on the street and as if everyone is on their schedule and gets up when they do. I could only make out a few scattered words. None of which I can remember.

Then a female I may or may not have seen before (black, tall, fat) came and got in the passenger side of the red car. Same thing - talking deliberately loud and making sure to really slam doors hard. A male got into the driver’s side, which would explain why I heard two door slams at just after midnight last night. One for her, one for him, but I couldn’t tell who “him” is. It could be Mike, it could be the kid. The kid’s about the same height and old enough to drive, I think.

So, at just after 7:00 they left and 45 minutes later they returned. How fucking weird! Who the fuck would leave early on a weekday morning for just 45 minutes? I wonder when they’ll leave again and if I’ll hear music. Guess it’ll all depend on just how much they want to stay here. What? Are there 4 people living there now, or what? Is this car gonna be slamming in and out daily now?

Well, I’m gonna go read and try to stay awake as long as I can to get to see Melanie on Monday. She’ll be calling in about an hour!

Later…

I forgot to say that Tom’s mom got hearing aids and they make quite a difference, so that’s good.

Also, I called and spoke to Lisa. Tammy leaves at 6:30 in the morning and doesn’t return till 4:00. I guess the sick fuck (Bill) stops by daily.

Die, you bastard, die!

If he did die, though, then that’d scrap the child support payments. Fortunately, Lisa didn’t cut herself and I told her how relieved I was to hear that and that I was very proud of her, too. She said she was just pissed cuz Tammy came in after she had cleaned all day and yelled, “What have you been doing all day?” Guess Becky and Sarah made messes that made it look like Lisa hadn’t done anything, I don’t know.

Lisa, Becky and Sarah are home alone all day. I asked Lisa (after speaking to Sarah and Becky. Becky says she’s gonna send me a letter) what Becky and Sarah do all day. She says they watch TV and eat all day. She says Becky’s a bit heavy. I knew it. I could tell from the pictures I’ve seen of her over the last 5 years or so, so I knew she’d be heavy sooner or later. Out of the three of them, I think she’ll be the one to look a lot like Tammy. In her latest picture, I saw Tammy in her unlike I’d ever seen in any of Sarah’s or Lisa’s pictures. She is quite homely. Sarah’s cute, but too young to really tell how she’ll look when she gets older. Lisa’s looking good, but it’s so hard to really see them from just pictures and videos.

Three little girls all alone in the woods like that is a bit scary. What if a crazed gunman decided to break into that secluded little house thinking it was empty? What if when he saw three girls in there (although Lisa and Becky aren’t so little) he decided to rape, sodomize, beat, and even kill them? Well, hopefully God will protect them from any such tragedy and nightmare.

The only fear I have about moving is break-ins. It’s so secluded where we’re going. There’d be no witnesses. I can’t believe that in the 12 years Tammy’s lived in that house, and in the 8 years the fuck lived in there alone prior to meeting Tammy, there’s never been a break-in. The only problem they’ve had is kids breaking into their car once.

Later…

Just had a wonderful little chat with Melanie. I said, “Hi Melanie” when I picked up the phone and she asked how I knew it was her. I told her we had caller ID and that not many other people would be calling at this time.

I told her the tooth has come down some more and she said that this time she’s gonna see if she can get a bracket on it. I hope so and that it stays.

Then I said I thought one of my mice got loose, to start some small talk. She said, “Oh, you got mice?” I said yes, and told her about all the animals here. She said she thought she was bad and told me she’s got two dogs, two cats, a bird and a hamster. Then she told me to have a good weekend and that was pretty much it. Can’t wait to see her!

The red car’s still here.

Saturday, June 27, 1998

 

God, the Humane Society really is full of its share of desperate, begging, bribing people who just don’t give up! They sent me more animal labels in the hopes of getting some money from me. Well, I can use these, thanks to them, till we move.

The red car was still parked here when I crashed at 11:00 this morning. And thanks to the Benadryl, which I don’t know what I’d do without, I slept well and long. I slept on and off for 12 hours so seeing Melanie should be no prob!

Before Tom went to bed at 10:00 he left me a message saying that that car had been in and out, but he couldn’t always hear when they’d come or go. By that, he means car doors, or else he’d have told me there was music or something else if he’d heard it. He said he got a quick glimpse of that guy and said he didn’t think it was the same guy. He said this guy appeared older and had some hair. Well, I don’t know about that, but I got to thinking about it afterward and perhaps this guy isn’t black enough. Wasn’t Mike darker than this guy?

I looked out and didn’t see the car, so unless it’s in the carport, I don’t know what the story is with this car or who these people are. Maybe it’s the kid and a girlfriend, who knows? I just hope there won’t be no shit this weekend. Things have been great and I want to keep it that way as long as I can, preferably till we move, if God will allow it. What? Is this car gonna come and go and slam me 20 times a day this weekend? That’d be better than music, but I’d still rather not have to deal with that.

I awoke at 120 pounds. I could eat my way back up to 124 by the end of my day if I ate normally, but I’m still not hungry enough to do so and don’t want to risk getting sick again. I’ll be back to 124. I always am sooner or later. This is the third or fourth time I’ve hit down at 120. It never lasts long and again, I better hope, in a way, that I don’t get thin again cuz the compensation and price to pay for it may be worse than being fat itself.

Tom was telling me that for now, since people’s needs constantly change, he’s sacrificing his dream of having a home business for me. He says he doesn’t know what he’ll do in the future, but says that right now, it’d be a bad thing to do cuz it’d take our time away from each other. Then why would he ever think he wanted a kid? I think I know what he’s driving at by saying this to me. There may be a very serious grain of truth to what he’s saying. I’m not saying he doesn’t have a point, but could he be hoping that he could use that to get me to put off being tested? He said that he notices that if he encourages me daily to do something that’s not easy for me to do, it pressures me. Well, he can rest assured cuz even if I did want a kid still, I wouldn’t do anything to steal our time away from each other. I would say no to a kid no matter what, but I don’t want that anymore, and I’m not so sure I’m that curious anymore to go through the hassles of testing and all that. I’ve had enough tests and medical procedures to last me 20 lifetimes. And I’m still one gutless puppy. It’s not that I’m embarrassed to talk about it to a doctor or afraid of the testing itself. I’m afraid of God. If I go against him, he wouldn’t hesitate to lash out at me. Also, no doctor could help us without us dealing with Tom’s infrequent cumming and I still don’t see how he’d let himself be helped with that. I’m still certain that he’d have conned and manipulated his way out of being helped, which, therefore, would’ve meant we could not be helped. Even if they fixed me, it would do us no good with our strange and part-time sex. So I’ll be OK with wondering all my life exactly what makes me sterile and I’ll most certainly be OK without a kid. I love life and my husband too much for that even if I am an abnormal, fat, unique, freaky thing with her share of trouble and a few bad days here and there.

Later…

What the fuck? How fucking weird! That car just came in. There were two not-too-loud door-slams and this is just sooooo baffling. I have no clue as to what the hell’s going on anymore. Are these people moving her little by little? Would that explain all the trips in and out? But at this hour? Sounds like drug runs to me, cuz wouldn’t I sense it for sure if the bitch was moving? I know I didn’t sense that bald fuck splitting, but wouldn’t I sense it if she were splitting? And wouldn’t there be some kind of sale or rent sign up? Maybe not, cuz I’d guess the city would want to come in and fix the place up before putting up any signs to sell it if they sold it and didn’t rent it to another pack of poor blacks or Hispanics.

Later…

I got Weight Watchers magazine in the mail today. It was boring and I pretty much just skimmed through it. It was one of the 3 magazines I ordered on account of Becky’s being a brownie.

I wouldn’t be surprised if that red car didn’t move till the early afternoon. All these freeloaders have always seemed to be night people for the most part, and I’m sure that after coming in at 4:00 in the morning, they’re gonna want to sleep in. These could be friends of the bitch’s. Maybe she decided that without Baldy in the picture, she didn’t feel comfortable being here alone cuz of me, so she asked her friends to move in. I don’t know where the hell they’d sleep, though, if she’s in one room, the freeloader’s in another, and teeny bop’s in the other. Perhaps the living room?

Sunday, June 28, 1998

 

It's gonna be a really close call getting to Melanie's tomorrow. I didn't sleep as late as I'd have liked to. I want to stay up at least until 8 PM, but already I am so tired! Today Tom's 41. He's still asleep. He picked out a birthday cake, got wireless headphones, and he even picked me up a really nice Arizona puzzle with cactuses and palm trees. He also got food for the critters and a bottle for Bunny. I have it hooked to a piece of chicken wire that's surrounding one of the cactuses out there. This'll be better than a water dish so that bugs, dirt, and leaves won't get in it.

Monday, June 29, 1998

 

Yesterday, Tom relaxed and did his two favorite things - TV and computer.

We screwed too, and this time, he stayed in there for a while. Neither of us came, but as always these days, I’m glad to see him not cum. I don’t like the mess it makes, and he’s just as happy not cumming, so it works out well. Nowadays, I consider us to finally have the ideal sex life but back when I was horny all the time and wanted him to cum, it was a humiliating, frustrating ordeal!

Today I see Melanie. Can’t wait! I’m gonna be kind of tired when I see her, but at least I don’t have to worry about having to take Benadryl and get back to sleep if I wake up after just 4 hours after today.

In two weeks I see that Dr. Linda Brown. I hope I have the strength to do right by God and do the proper thing period, by not mentioning my infertility. It’s not a health hazard, therefore, I should be left as God created me and allowed me to be. It’s for a reason and a good one, too. I shouldn’t be mentioning my weight either, as God’s gonna get me for the few pounds I’ve lost as it is. At least I believe he will. Maybe not, though. Maybe it’d take me losing 10-15 pounds before compensation made its way to me.

I wonder if Melanie will notice the difference in me. It’d be nice if she were just as attracted to me as I am to her, but I know better. Still, the fantasy is nice. Most people, gay or straight, aren’t attracted to overweight people, though. Yes, I’m definitely smaller, and for the 3rd day in a row I woke up at 120 pounds, but I’m still a chunky one. I still say my appetite will return and I’ll go back to that infamous 124 pounds, as I always end up doing.

I knew it. Andy didn’t call during the weekend cuz I told him it’d be OK to. If I had asked him yet again not to, he’d have called for sure.

Marla’s gone back east for 3 weeks to stay at the beach. Charlotte and Jim are there now. They still come to New England for the summers. Boo and Max are gonna be selling their house in Longmeadow.

Anyway, Marla says that once she gets back home, she’ll discuss jury duty with me. All she said so far was that a guy was found guilty of murder, sane at the time of the shooting, and got sentenced to death. But he won’t die if you ask me. Unfortunately, criminals get much less than they’re sentenced to. If you get death, you really get life in prison 99% of the time. If you get 20 years, you serve 5-10. It’s really asinine.

For fun and for stuff like email, I’m gonna try out this new talker that Tom’s got once he makes my computer even faster. With this one, you don’t have to talk so slowly. It can keep up with you talking at normal speed, but it still won’t be as fast and as accurate as my typing.

Also, Tom’s gonna see about Mary sending me a copy of a really high-tech, sophisticated word processor, now that she’s got a modem (which she miraculously installed herself!) and can send it by phone. This one’s supposed to let me have more color choices.

On Saturday, we went to a used bookstore which is great. It groups books more organized compared to the library. There was a section with hundreds of books that I like that is like searching for a needle in a haystack at the library. It only costs $16 for 8 books and I can take these books back when I’m done with them for credit and get 8 more for just $8. Usually, though, they charge half of the cover price.

It appears Tom was right - the red car that’s been next door is a rental. A couple, I guess, flew in from God knows where to visit the bitch. They may be gone now, though, cuz unless the car’s pulled up in the carport, it’s not there. I can’t believe how quiet they were, but again, I really believe that’s cuz the cock’s been out of the picture. If it were around, they’d be barbecuing and having loud parties for hours, not to mention blasting music. Speaking of music, that’s why I think Tom’s right about the rental car. Those don’t come with those killer stereos, so that explains why there was no music, cuz I’m sure that they’d be happy to bang in and out if it did have a stereo like that, with or without the cock around.

The Caddy just pulled in. I can’t see the driver, though, and who knows if it’s to pick up the kid, her, or both? Speaking of Caddies, Caddy Kid’s been by only once that I know of since Tom said he heard him bang by a few days ago. Thank God it’s not cruising by 3 times a day every day, though!

Those wireless headphones Tom got are great. You can go all around the house and into the backyard with them. They’ll be great for housework and for doing anything out back during the winter when the guard dogs are at it non-stop.

OK bitch, that’s the eighth door slam. Why don’t you get in or out and have Caddy get the fuck out now? What? Is this bitch packing little by little cuz she couldn’t make her late rent payment?

What the fuck’s going on now? I just up and checked and the Caddy’s finally fucked off now, but guess who was parked on the street? Mr. Baldy himself. Yeah, I saw him get into his car and leave. Again, no music, fortunately for them, but why would he pop in so early in the morning? I doubt he’s moved back in yet, cuz if he spent the night, he wouldn’t have parked in the carport, then moved it to the street. And I know it wasn’t on the street all night cuz I’d have seen it. I’m hoping that he used the U-Haul to move his shit out for at least a few months. Cuz if he were only taking off for a week or two, why would you need enough stuff to pack in a U-Haul for just a couple of weeks?

Later…

Well, we’re not going to see Melanie today. I worked really hard at getting on schedule all for nothing. Out of our two shitty cars, one won’t start, and one’s in the shop. Tom said they said the car would be ready at noon. Bullshit! I know how people overestimate time. I’ll be seeing Melanie some other day.

Tuesday, June 30, 1998

 

Oh, my fucking God! Caddy kid just went blasting by like you wouldn’t believe. He did this yesterday at this time, too, but not as loud. So what are we in for here? We back to the blasting by several times a day? I think one of these mornings Caddy kid may find me waiting for him in the street. It obviously isn’t a kid in school since school’s out, so I guess it’s going to a job in the mornings.

It’s pretty ironic that Caddy Kid starts up again right when El Cocko leaves. As if something wants to compensate me for the lack of door slams and for just knowing that that fuck’s not there as much.

At 7:15, we went through the same weird ritual next door. The Caddy pulled up just to the opening of the carport, then we went through 10-15 minutes of door slamming, then El Cocko pulled up at the curb in front of the house. I came to peek out just as I saw him walking from the back of his car, then he got in and drove off. I don’t think it was in its trunk, so maybe, the Caddy comes to get the bitch and he comes to get the kid.

In my email to my folks, I mentioned how cutting out real sugar has helped a bit, and in her reply, she said I could do anything I set my mind to do. Oh yeah? Well, that’s weird coming from her. Weird, but nice. She’d never have said that to me in the past, but it’s nice to have her vote of confidence.

For the third day in a row, I was 120 pounds even at the end of my day. Even after not eating for 12 hours, though, I stayed at 120 for a couple of reasons. Well, first off, my metabolism’s still slow and secondly, getting down into the one-teens is gonna be very very hard cuz it’s now completely foreign to my body to do that. It’d take it time to “learn” how to get down there. Just like it took time for my body to get the hang of being at 100 pounds and staying there for quite a while. I still don’t think this 120 will keep on holding, let alone drop into the one-teens. I still think I’ll return to 124 and stay there indefinitely.

We did go to Melanie’s yesterday after all. Tom still has to have work done on the car and is gonna be taking it to a dealer since the place he brought the car to yesterday didn’t touch it after promising to have it done by noon.

Melanie looked hot, but I like her with bangs better than with her hair swept back off her forehead. Either way, she has nice hair. I just hope she doesn’t ever hack it off short while I’m seeing her.

She asked me more about the mice and if Tom likes animals too. I asked her when I was gonna get to see her with her hair straightened and she said she didn’t know, but she straightens it a couple of times a week. If she were attracted to me too, and cared about my opinion, and wanted me to see her in different ways for variety, she’d have it straightened next time I go to her, but I know better. She’s not the least bit attracted to me and could care less about showing me her hair straightened. As you know, I like straight hair better than curls, but it’s hard to picture her hair straight. Maybe because she’s so exceptionally good-looking, she looks better with it curled and to me, it does take a great-looking woman to look good in curly hair.

For a moment, as she was in front of me getting tools as I was lying back, she turned, and her eyes swept me from head to toe for a second. Oh, how I wish she was checking me out with lust in her eyes, but nope. It was just a casual glance, I’m sure.

I try hard not to stare too long into those gorgeous, dark brown eyes cuz I wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable. Melanie will never know of my crush on her, but I wonder how she’d react to being told of my attraction for her. Would she be OK with it? Even flattered? Or would she freak? Part of me thinks she’d be OK with it, but the other part’s not sure cuz I see a hint of Rosemarie in her. She’s friendly and is more talkative, but she’s more serious and I can see traces of that snobbish, judgmental Rosemarie in her. Given those touches of Rosemarie in her, if they really are there, she may refer someone like me to someone else if she knew.

I still wish she were my neighbor, rather than my ortho. It’d be worth her two dogs that’d be outside barking just a few feet away 24/7. I’m sure her dogs, like all dogs out here, are outside all the time. It’s a bummer that we’ll never be friends. Even just friends, which would be enough for me, but that’s life.

Anyway, getting the bracket on was no easy task for her. She didn’t have enough hands and even had me help by holding a tool in place while she went to get a couple of others to help hold wires. I almost got poked in the eye by one of the wires. I was pretty sore, as she said I’d be, for a few hours last night and today. I took some Ibuprofen. I’m OK as long as I don’t bite into any hard foods. Besides, I’m not eating much, and I don’t want to risk knocking off this bracket.

I have to see her now every two weeks till that tooth comes into place. What a bitch and what a bitch on my scheduling. Tom says it’ll be easier than I think. I hope so and thank God, she’s so gorgeous! It helps.

Later…

I knew I’d gain weight again. I’m up to 122 pounds and climbing. My body’s really comfortable in this day and age at 124 pounds. It’ll get back there by the end of today or tomorrow.

Lisa called and she’s fed up. She says she knows she deserves punishment for getting suspended, doesn’t mind helping out, loves her mother, but has had enough of the never-ending grueling chores and is sick of having no life. She also says she’s to be leaving with Bill in a couple of days to go to Florida. Tammy’s gonna let her be alone with a guy who beats her and who just came close to hitting her again? Real smart, Tammy!

God, when are you gonna kill this guy? What? Do you love him that much? Is he just too great of a guy for hitting Lisa that you just can’t kill him? How can you let such sick, unfair shit go on in this world, you fucking bastard?!

Anyway, Lisa’s afraid that doing what she’s got to do would interfere with her seeing my folks. Also, Tammy said she’d never talk to her again if she went to live with Larry. What kind of a mother would say that to their own kid? She’s really a hell of a mother for not accepting what her kid wants and for being so selfish.

I told Lisa that she’s got to worry about herself and her own needs. Not what Tammy would do or think and not about visiting people. I told her that she could either stay where she is, go to Larry’s, or talk to her therapist about taking legal action through the courts to get her out of that house and into God knows where. Kids have a ton of rights nowadays where they used to have none. There should be some legal action she can take to get her out of that house. Something they didn’t have when I was her age. She can petition the courts to live with Larry or at least somewhere that’s not a funny farm that’ll just dope her up.

Later…

I spoke with Larry a little while ago. I began to tell him of my earlier talk with Lisa and he stopped me and said that before I went any further, he didn’t want to get into that he said she said ordeal, and said he’s working on it, just listen to Lisa, and that’s it. So after I reminded him that I was on his side and would never repeat any of our discussions with the wrong person, he let me know that he’s still on top of it and hasn’t given up. Thank God! He also said he’s talked to Mom. I’m sure that since Mom’s mad at Tammy, she’s encouraging him to do what he’s gotta do. If she weren’t mad at Tammy, she’d probably tell him not to get involved.

I’m hoping that he and Lisa can petition the courts to allow Lisa to live with Larry. I would think that any normal, rational court would take Lisa’s feelings into consideration and listen to her when she talks of her emotional state at that house.

Later…

Here’s that blue pickup that does the freeloader’s yard. Guess they’re gonna be coming every Tuesday, huh?

Got that Olivia Newton-John CD after all. I didn’t think I’d get it.

Later…

Yup, we’re back to the 3 times a day routine from Caddy Kid. Well, tomorrow I’ll be waiting for him.

Got the bedding my parents sent. It’s bright, but sort of boring. The sheets are plain yellow and the comforter has a yellow floral design. It beats that blue-striped one they sent, though, and is always nice to have.

[yanderecandystore]

can we get the bullies with a male slasher s/o?

I swear like-

I swear I already did something like this?? But maybe no??¿? XD

So anyway- Alright boo, let me see what I can do- Sorry but I decided to take liberty and… Make this one be very stupid XD

TW/Tags: killer reader :3 // mentions of death // mentions of h o r n i n e s s // I have no like- Idea how to make this work so- Let's just go with it lol // low-key based on dbd, although I never played the game I know only a bit about it- // REALLY silly :P

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

Horror Movies Cliches [Yandere!Bully OCS x M!Slasher!Reader - Headcanon]:

🎇 Let me set the stage for a quick sec!🎇

Let's just create a bit of context- Imagine the most over the top horror movie cliche you can think off- Some teens, hanging around a haunted place, everyone is organizing a creepy party while also trying to prank one another. The twins are part of this party because duh- They're popular? Rich? Pretty af? Everyone wants a piece of them tonight, especially you.

Although technically, not in the same way the horny bastards around here want to. While some are trying to impress them, and others try to prank them and humiliate them for at least once in their lives- You're looking for something more, well, important. You were done with being the one left behind, always ridiculed by the twins and their mob of "friends".

You wanted nothing more than sweet revenge tonight, and it didn't matter which rich asshole's blood would be spilled tonight- And even if your plan wasn't exactly foolproof, you were still going to go down and smash their skulls.

With a mask covering your face, gloves to cover your fingerprints and a baseball bat- You were ready for your first hunt tonight. What could ever stop you if not God itself?

Maybe you didn't calculate all possibilities of what could go wrong today, perhaps you should have considered that you weren't the only one bloodlusty in this party.

→ Adrien Coldwell:

Adrien is not really a- Adrien is-

What can I say about Adrien? Adrien is not the best at survival, or trying to survive, or wanting to survive-

Adrien is too lazy for this- He doesn't really put an effort in trying to hide himself, since he is sold 100% that this is just another prank. The only thing stopping you from finding him and smashing his bones is his natural luck which is conveniently protecting himself from being found.

God, this party is boring.

You would probably find Adrien by accident, just- Eating some snacks as all the other participants of the party were already dead. However- You weren't so lucky when you tried killing him right there, he ran away before you could grab him.

Now noticing how real the situation was, he was ready to find any means of communication to call for help, but it seems like all possible means of easy and quick communication has been cut off.

Adrien can either hide and pray for someone to come help him, or try to fight you off and stop you from hunting him. And of course he ain't fucking attacking you, what do you take him for?? Insane?? Dumb?? Nah bitch, he is hiding.

Up until this point, Adrien had no idea you were the one behind the mask. He thought you were a random creep that went insane and decided to take his anger out on some rich people- Which could mean he is half right and half wrong!

But honestly though, you're the last person that he imagined being capable of killing so many people in one night! He didn't even know you were invited to this party, which makes this so unfortunate to him, he could be wearing a cuter outfit if he knew you would be here!

One would assume that after showing their true identities to their victims before their death would cause their victims to become even more frightened and beg for mercy!- In your case though? Nah, that ain't happening.

Adrien is treating this situation with much seriousness as one would imagine he would- With none. Knowing that you're the one killing everyone with a bat is kinda pathetic if not hilarious to him.

After all, it's just "you". What evil can you do? Honestly, you came all the way to this place to make him "pay for his actions"?? Don't you have anything better to do on a Saturday night, honey?

To be fair- He kinda digs the "unhinged maniac" look you have going on, blood suits you so well. Hell! He bet it would suit him just as well too.

Your night was supposed to be one of pure gore and carnage, revenge against those that have harmed you- Yet here you are, being flirted with by Adrien, who is getting a little too into the "killer x victim" dynamic going on.

Ugh, you don't feel in the mood anymore… It feels so wrong when he keeps flirting about it.

In the end, you two have inverted the roles in a way. You were trying to get away from Adrien who was chasing you and making you embarrassed with as much flirting as possible.

Such an unfortunate night.

→ Alexandra Coldwell:

Alexandra would think this is all an elaborate spooky prank, yet she would be lying if she said she didn't find this all…. A bit too much.

No, s-she isn't scared! Just frustrated that this party sucks! It's so immature to just- Try to humiliate her by making her scared! Is such a low move.

Alexandra wouldn't do much effort into hiding since she doesn't think there is any danger nearby. You would have found her very early on, and you can imagine how frustrating it was to see her escaping from your grasp- You have forgotten how athletic Alexandra is, of course she would have ran away faster than you could snatch her.

Now noticing how real the situation was, she was ready to find any means of communication to call for help, but it seems like all possible means of easy and quick communication has been cut off.

Alexandra can either hide and pray for someone to come help her, or try to fight you off and stop you from hunting her. And of course she'll be fighting you- Pfft, what? You think she'll chicken out?? You literally made her break her nail- You psycho!

Up until this point, Alexandra didn't know you were- Well, you! She thought you were some random ass psycho trying to ruin some teens party for some "revenge" bs. So maybe she was half right, and half wrong!

Alexandra would have never ever imagined that you were the killer! Were you even invited to the party?? Why has nobody told her? She could have chosen something more cute for you, damnit!

One would assume that after showing their true identities to their victims before their death would cause their victims to become even more frightened and beg for mercy!- In your case though? Nah, that ain't happening.

Alexandra just laughs it off and treats it like every school day- Belittling you while all's giving mix signals of affection.

She isn't afraid anymore, why would she? You're just a little wimp who thinks that getting a wooden bat and dark clothes makes you scary. Dearest, you have forgotten who is the bigger dog around here-

You wasted your whole night just to make her terrified? Honestly, you need a better hobby- Obsessing over your bully is such a loser move on your part, although she would be lying if she said she doesn't appreciate the fact you care so much about her.

Alexandra was getting a little too interested into this "roleplay" going on- Wanting to be your final girl, after all it didn't sound half as bad. Maybe she has been a little too into those slasher fanfics she has been finding around- But damn, you look almost acceptable while drenched in blood.

Her lack of care or empathy towards those who have been brutally killed, while also drooling over you, reminds you that- Honestly? Fuck this. You should have expected a Coldwell to be a morally fucked up person- Why are you surprised?

You've been trying your best to go back home, but being constantly followed by an overly affectionate Alexandra is just as bad as being humiliated by an overly sadistic Alexandra. You got no rest that day.

Such an unfortunate night.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

[anotheronechicagobog]

Fire Meets Fate - Brettsey - Chapter 1 - Violet Opens Her Big Mouth

warnings: swearing, mature themes, character death (Andy Darden), canon compliant tragedy

Summary: Violet Casey, Matt's favourite (and only) niece points out what Matt had been so blind to; Gabby Dawson has the hots for him. While he is engaged. While Matt is most definitely... Shocked at this news, he is in no way pleased. As a result, they never get together.

“I don’t like Gabby.”

“What? Why not, you’re always talking about how much you like her food.”

“Yeah, her food’s amazing- she isn’t.”

“Violet, why would you think that?”

“And that is why I’m bringing it up, you, uncle lieutenant, are oblivious. Gabby has the hots for you.”

“She does not.”

“Yes, she does! Ask anyone, ask uncle Kelly, ask Hallie, ask Gabby.”

“We’re friends and friends alone, Gabby does not love me.”

“I didn’t say ‘love’, I said that she has the hots for you, which is totally different. If she loved you she wouldn’t flirt with you every chance she got, including whenever you and Hallie are on a break.”

“She doesn’t-”

“Flirt with you? Yes, she does. She also makes puppy dog eyes at you and bites her lip whenever you’re not looking. Look, I’m not telling you that she’s not nice, or that you shouldn’t be friends with her, it’s just that I’ve noticed she likes you more than she should, and that sometimes her ‘friendship’ has an ulterior motive.”

“Violet-”

“Just keep it in mind, okay uncle Matt?”

And he did.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know how when you start learning to drive, and all the bad driving habits people had, like rolling stops, were pointed out to you? And how once the blinders were ripped off, you couldn’t unsee anything? Well finding out Gabby ‘has the hots’ for him had the same effect. Suddenly he couldn’t hold eye contact with her because he saw longing and lust beneath them, he heard the lengthy pauses and felt the weight of her gaze when anyone asked her about her love life, and whenever she spoke to him he noticed hidden and double meanings in her words. Honestly, it made him a little uncomfortable. And his niece was right, he was completely oblivious! So. Damn. Oblivious. But at first he thought that he was just seeing things, I mean, Violet was fourteen what did she know about non-platonic relationships. Wait... What did she know about non-platonic relationships?! She’s only fourteen! Casey’s horror-filled internal realizations were interrupted by Severide. The man who was once one of his best friends now seemed more like a mortal enemy. Picking fights. Doubting his decision. Second-guessing his judgment. Snide comments. Matt had truly forgotten just how sharp Kelly’s tongue was until they weren’t on the same side anymore. “What did you and Heather talk about at the barbeque?”

“Just about Andy and Griffin. Whenever someone asks, she says they’re holding up as well as can be expected, but I think there’s more going on that she’s not seeing yet because she’s still grieving too.”

“Well, maybe if Heather actually brought the boys around here, or me. There wouldn’t be an issue.”

“Okay, you know what? I’m done. I have tried to talk to Heather about bringing the boys here, about letting them see you, you think I haven’t? But she’s hurting and she blames you. I’ve tried talking her down, and I know that Andy’s death isn’t either of our faults, but I can’t control someone else’s emotions. So stop baring your teeth at me over it. I have tried, and failed, and I am tired, okay? I lost my two best friends in one day! And one of them is actually here, and alive, and safe but growls at me every time I walk near him!”

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In a blue tank top, jeans, and wedges, Gabby approached Matt in the locker room. “My brother called me...” Of course he did. If Matt had felt like he had any other trustworthy officers to turn to, he wouldn’t have asked Gabby to contact her brother. Nothing stays secret between those two. And this was something that only added to the feeling of centipedes marching up and down his spine. He didn’t want her to know about his private life before he did, he didn’t want her in the loop. He normally had no issue with criticism so long as it was based in merit and not bias. And lately he couldn’t help but feel that Violet was right about Gabby and ulterior motives.

“... You holding up alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. Good.” With a quick nod to her, he left. No long looks, no asking her what she would have done, no ‘honest answers’, no soulful eyes or parted lips, he didn’t want anymore personal, intimate, talks between them anymore. She may just be a friend to him, but he wasn’t just a friend to her, and he didn’t know how to handle that situation just yet. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matt walked towards the kitchen, ready to get some breakfast and coffee after all the paperwork he had to do before eight in the morning. He winced internally when he saw Gabby crossing the room with arms full of Halloween candy packages. Even just looking at her now set him on edge. He didn’t have confirmation about Violet was right, but as time went on, her actions and her words and her body language, both past and present, were glaring confirmations. He did his best to blend into the background, fade into the noise of the firehouse, and it worked. Mills was getting more and more frustrated that they only had salt and pepper for spices, but then Gabby, still on the counter from putting the candy up high, laid her hand on his shoulder, and told him where she kept the spices she uses when she cooks. “... I used up the rest of the saffron the last time I cooked.” While Gabby didn’t look back at Mills as she walked away, burning a hole inside of Matt’s head instead, the candidate’s eyes followed her form as she walked away, amazement on playing on his features. Matt smiled, maybe her love of cooking would bring her and Mills together.

And then the bells went off.

Once on the scene, Casey was brought back to a phone call he had early in the morning with Luke Hermann.

FLASHBACK

“Hello?”

“Uncle Matt, it’s Luke.”

“Hey, Luke, is everything alright?”

“No. I mean yeah, at home, I mean dad did walk in on grandpa in the bathroom again, but things here are good, but no...”

“Luke what’s going on? Talk to me.”

“I don’t want my dad to die.”

“Oh, Luke... Hey, bud, it’s okay, don’t cry.”

“But he almost died, and so did you! When uncle Andy died it seemed so far away, like it couldn’t happen to my dad, but then...”

“Hey, I know. Everyone at the firehouse, we love your dad. And you. We’re all looking out for him and watching his back, okay? We always do everything we can to make sure he goes home to you.”

“But that’s not enough sometimes, is it?”

“Luke, your dad loves you more than anything, he will always do whatever it takes to make it through a shift and back home to the people he loves more than anything else in the world. And his in-laws.” The uncontrollable sounds coming from the boy had changed from crying to laughing, and Matt couldn’t help but crack a smile amongst his own misty eyes. Hermann really didn’t get along with his in-laws, did he?

FLASHBACK OVER

The call ended up being a small kitchen fire, minimal damage, no one was injured, but Casey remained in a sour mood. He couldn’t promise the safety of his colleagues in their line of work, and that was pissing him off more than usual today.

“Alright, everyone, today our own Jose Vargas transfers over from truck to squad.”

Casey and Severide were at odds, but that didn’t mean the rest of the house had to be, and it really was a tragedy that tensions spilled over quite a bit. So Matt made sure that he looked as genuine as he felt while shaking his brother in arms’ hand, “best of luck.”

“Thanks, lieutenant.” He still felt a bit like he was losing one to the enemy, so he retreated to his office. Which turned out to be a pretty bad move, considering all he could do was think about Voight. If he was being honest, Matt was afraid of what he’d gotten himself into. He knew it was the right thing, he just wondered if he’d make it out the other side unscathed. His mind kept wandering to those action movies about stopping dirty cops. Kidnapping, torture, death. He couldn’t help but wonder if that was Voight’s style.

“Hey.” And then suddenly Hallie was there, in a red sweater and black leggings. “Hey yourself, what are you doing here?”

“I just thought I’d come by for a visit, are you okay? You’ve been drifting off a lot lately.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

“Well, I have to admit, there’s another reason I stopped by. To see if you were up for something that we talked about but never got around to doing?” Playfully lust eyes met his as she shut the blinds on his door. And like magic, Matt’s day got a whole lot better.

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Closed doors didn’t always have connotations, but in the firehouse they did. Everything was based on context, sometimes it meant that whoever was on the other side was sleeping in their office. Sometimes it was paperwork, or alone time, or some not-so-alone time with a special someone. Or like now, where the chief ushered in a police captain, detective, and then requested his presence. Everyone was well aware by now of his debacle with Voight, so they stayed clear. Casey was seething. The ‘captain’ basically came all this way to tell them that IA was conducting a BS investigation and that despite the fact that he was Voight’s superior, he couldn’t do anything. And then Antonio spoke up. Volunteered. Matt looked him in the eye, and while he could tell the man was honourable and that he’d do everything he could, Matt couldn’t help but wonder if it had anything to do with Gabby.

“Thank you, detective Dawson.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Guys who assaulted you have a record. Guaranteed.” Matt was sore, but not sore enough to miss a shift, and certainly not sore enough to look at binders filled with the photos of known offenders with Antonio. Gabby entered to grab her stuff just as Matt got past the first page. Until  Matt’s rang with Hallie checking in he used that as an excuse to pretend she wasn’t even in the room. “Hey, just looking at photographs, tattoos.” 

“You never know.” Hallie was being the optimist for once, and Matt couldn’t be more grateful for it.

“That’s right.”

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Even before he responded to Hallie Matt could practically feel Gabby’s sadness. It was palpable. He could actually feel the realization shift in Antonio Dawson. So when Matt hung up the phone, he didn’t look at either of them. He pretended that he didn’t see their facial expressions out of the corner of his eye, that he didn’t sense the longing in Gabby’s delayed departure from the briefing room, that he didn’t feel the weight in Antonio start to shift as he leaned on the table to watch Matt look through the binder. And then the bells went off.

[winter-kitsune]

I would like to say multiple of your points are off. Popularity vs Professional, and some stuff towards the reasons of the win.

Firstly TWST states that while originally the VDC was something more fun and not that serious over the years it has become more. Many people that perform at VDC get scouted similar to the inter-dorm spell drive tournament. I personally think neither Vil nor Neige should have been able to compete as it gives NRC and RSA an unfair advantage over everyone else. It was a popularity contest this time because those 2 are the top 2 teen actors in the world.

Yes, I don't think story wise NRC should have won. If you can't agree with that then you're wrong. But I think how close they made it in comparison to your point that makes you wrong. You say that the audience noticed that the NRC tribe was dancing off: Then why was it only a one vote difference? If they wanted to go with that then they should have made it a bigger vote difference. Also Vil knew they wouldn't win as soon as he saw Neige practice, so if your point is correct and if they weren't exhausted due to Vil overblotting then NRC would have won. But if that's the case why was Vil so afraid and sure that they would lose? Simply put it doesn't add up.

If TWST had left Rook voting for RSA as it was at the end of Book 5 then while annoying it wouldn't be bringing as many problems as it does with the information learned from Book 6. They didn't perform their best because of a tough battle and all he could see was the flaws, meaning Neige's group who hadn't done any struggle right before the performance.

They say you have to vote taking only the performance into account, but I call total BS on that. That's not true for real life and that's not what should be happening here. To take a real life example, Disney's movie "Wish" that has taken a lot of criticisms, I personally haven't seen it but I will write based on what I know and have seen. People are disappointed in the art/animation but if this was from a studio, even if their 100th anniversary no one would be complaining about this, as objectively it looks fine. People are harshing on the villain song, but only because Disney has made some of the best villain songs ever. There is a reason that there's a whole sub category called 'Disney Villain Songs' as they're that good and popular. The music isn't the best but it would just be a few professionals that would probably comment on it. Most people would probably just roll their eyes at the bad music if it came from a small studio. Then the writing: Disney has the money to pay so many writers, especially for their 100th year anniversary, so the bad writing sticks out a lot more than if it was just one guy working on it all. No one in real life doesn't take the situation around something into account, so why would someone who knows not do so? People feel sympathy for K-Pop idols who have collapsed on stage as they know that behind the scenes they're being worked to the bones. Simply put once we got into Rook's reasoning being he was just being objective about the performance everything that was in defense of his actions became null in my eyes. He wasn't just voting for who he thought was better but was actually being purposefully ignorant about the bigger picture that had happened. If you want to stretch he could have even guessed that Vil would pay the win money to the group either way after his overblot and stopped caring as much. Not to mention we learn that Rook's family is rich and owns multiple mansions all over the globe so he might not put the win value as high in his mind.

Vil is a narcissist that I haven't seen the same growth from as you have. Rook is just feeding an ego that has for a very long time needed to be knocked down a peg or two. Also Vil grew up with access to fame unlike Neige, so he doesn't have as much to complain about towards how hard work doesn't always equal a reward. As his hard work HAS been rewarded. He takes care of his skin and takes an exact diet that works very well for him, and in return his skin looks nice, he has a good figure, and he looks GOOD. Plenty of famous people or people that have connections to famous people have gotten roles and acknowledgment that they wouldn't have and maybe don't deserve if they didn't.

This was long but I felt the need to rant about my thoughts. I might be able to make a longer one about my issues with Jamil and how they handled him in Book 4.

On NRC’s Loss To RSA

Back when Chapter 5 first released in JP, everyone was in shock over NRC’s loss to RSA. It caused quite the disaster 🤡 overreactions at best and alleged death threats made towards the creators at worst.

And now that EN gets Chapter 5’s ending, the outrage is revived once more… hopefully without the death threats, but now without the proper context: Neige’s song 🤠.

The mess over the removal of Minna de Yahoo isn’t something I want to tackle now. Rather, I want to take the time to explain why NRC’s loss to RSA had to happen and what this means for the future of TWST’s story. It sucks to see that our boys lost after working so hard, but in my opinion, this may be for the best for their sake and for the sake of the story.

Disclaimer that this post will contain spoilers for Chapter 5’s ending, and if you haven’t read it yet and don’t want to be spoiled, scroll past this post. I will not be placing this under a cut. Furthermore, disclaimer that I am only stating my opinion, and you are free to discuss and argue with me about this.

Firstly, for the EN fans who haven’t been able to see Neige’s song, you can look it up on Youtube by searching up ‘twisted wonderland minna de yahoo’ or other similar keywords. It’s important to know this so that you can get full context as well for this post. It also will slightly help you understand Vil’s backstory.

So to repeat from earlier, my stance on this is that NRC’s loss is really for the best for the boys and for the story. Yes, they worked so hard for this. Yes, Vil literally overblotted because of this. Yes, it seems stupid that a nursery rhyme remix would do better than a professionally done idol song. However, I believe that it is best for NRC to lose for three reasons:

1. This is a popularity contest and not a formal competition. Several factors played into the decision on the final winner. 

I remember this was a complaint made back in the day when JP players were going through the shock of NRC’s loss, that a song as kiddy as Minna de Yahoo beat Absolutely Beautiful. I wouldn’t be surprised if EN players are reacting similarly.

But yes, remember that the Vocal and Dance Championships (fuck SDC honestly) has always been established to be a popularity contest. This means that the winner is decided by the audience and its performers. There isn’t a set criteria, except whether the people like the performance or not. And it just so happens that yes, people love NRC’s performance for their professionalism, but they also love RSA’s performance for the nostalgia and happiness that they bring. 

Furthermore, the audience can also see if the performers are a bit off, whether they have dance experience or not. Our boys had just quelled an overblot, and it’s understandable that all of them are worn out and therefore wouldn’t be in their best shape by the actual performance. 

Let’s also remember that it isn’t just Rook who is voting. There are hundreds of people sending in their votes and a few who couldn’t send in votes. If you go for the blaming logic, you’d might as well blame Diasomnia for not giving Malleus a phone to use to vote so that NRC may tie with RSA, or you could blame the blank mobs who decided not to vote for NRC. Rook simply voted for who he thought deserved to win, and that’s really all there is to it. 

2. They’re building up for a future conflict.

Way back in Chapter 1, the rivalry between NRC and RSA was established. In Chapter 3, it was explained that RSA has always beaten NRC in Magical Shift/Spelldrive for the past 99 years in the interscholastic tournament, and the next tournament is going to be in May. There’s already a build-up happening for NRC and RSA. They’re establishing not just a rivalry but RSA’s superiority over NRC. And there is a question plopped into our heads: Can NRC beat RSA in May’s interscholastic tournament? 

TWST’s story is definitely going to extend beyond Diasomnia’s chapter. There’s a lot that still needs to be explored (and let’s be honest, they do need the money). NRC’s loss to RSA in Chapter 5 is not the end yet, and if anything, they’re giving us this disappointment to establish for a future event. A well-deserved victory for NRC? A crushing defeat once more? Maybe one defeat but one small victory that will light the way for NRC? We don’t know. But let’s trust in the writers that they have started planning out the next arcs. They chose to make NRC lose for a reason, and that should be a deliberated decision. 

3. Right now, the boys still need to grow.

Point blank and simple: The NRC Tribe didn’t deserve their win. We could go with the obvious reason, that being they were wiped out from fighting Vil’s overblot. It would be pretty impressive if they managed to win despite those injuries, but truthfully, after seeing most of them nearly passing out from the fight, it would be more realistic to say that they weren’t moving that well. And the audience would notice that. 

But more than that, I think that the boys have a lot of growth to do. I point to Vil in particular. You can find my longer thoughts on this in this post about chapter 5 I wrote, but the gist is that the story never really punishes Vil, a stark contrast to the other 4 chapters that do point out that the antagonist is doing something wrong and needs to be stopped. It’s not to say that Vil had any malicious intentions. Many of his actions are also a result of being exposed to such a harsh industry as well. It’s just that his attitude isn’t perfect either, and the story never punished him for it.

Except when NRC lost. 

Imagine if Vil won through his sheer envy for Neige, envy that also drove him to act the way he did with his teammates and eventually to Neige. Whenever he scolded Epel for messing up, he would mention how Epel could not be a poisoned apple who could beat Neige. Note that at that time, Epel didn’t care in particular about the competition. And also note that there are other schools competing, not just Neige.

Vil needed to be put down that way because his behavior and character at the time still needs some fixing. Loss is very humbling, but it helps someone in growing to be a better person. He still needs to grow, all the boys do. They don’t have to grow to be goody two shoes or upright moralistic characters, but they can grow to be better people in their own rights. 

[alterofnaught]

What do you think of Kokichi's lies? Do you think he's a compulsive liar or that he just lies for fun/to get what he wants?

Apologies for being extremely long winded about this answer but I have a BS in psych so I love psychoanalyzing characters and my thoughts are kind of complicated on it. Mostly just because I think just calling it compulsive lying often causes people to ignore the purpose and intent behind Kokichi’s actions (which a lot of people do and act like you can’t discern any of his motivations because he’s a “liar” which I disagree with). And I think it also insinuates he only lies because of that and ignore the many reasons he does tell lies. But I do think there's an element of both to it if that makes sense. 

While it's pretty much impossible to tell completely in just the main game canon if his lying is an actual psychological issue solely because there is a genuine reason for lying (like abuse victims and cheaters are not compulsive liars they just end up telling lots of lies because of the situation and you could say that is the case in a killing game as well). But bonus modes pretty much confirm that lying is absolutely part of his personality even without the pressure of the killing game. But the fact he both lies for fun and lies for a reason are what make it hard to pin down. Nor is it something that is readily agreed on as a term at all since it's not in the DSM-V and there are varying definitions for what qualifies as compulsive lying at all. Compulsive lying is also a trait of lots of other disorders but those you literally could not diagnose him with based on how little we get in my opinion (for example ADHD which is a popular headcanon and I think it makes the most sense out of any major diagnosis associated with lying but still not canon in anyway just a pretty good headcanon) . 

Lots of the lies he tells are for a reason which some psychologists say compulsive liars don’t usually have. Compulsive liars lie out of habit. Which he probably does to an extent but there is purpose to most of them. Especially since a majority of his lies are about his talent and organization or the game itself. Which have definite purpose to them. Like the conversation he has during introductions with Shuichi always makes me laugh actually because like… it’s a secret organization of course no one else should know about it and why on earth would a leader of it just tell you about it. Lying about a secret organization just makes sense, that’s kind of the whole point of it being a secret. And while he does tell more outright lies, he isn’t the only one who plays up their talent or lies during his introduction. Being grandiose in a situation where you are with 15 other Ultimates that are also larger than life and have a talent that is supposed to be so incredible the country searched you out for it… really doesn’t necessarily mean he’s trying to play himself up for no reason. It’s a pretty impressive sounding Ultimate Talent for what he really is so it makes sense to lie about honestly. And his exaggerations about his organization seem to reflect more on his childish personality more than some need to sound self-important (since he never seems to be seriously insulted at all when he gets questioned on the matter) as well as him just keeping DICE a secret since it's supposed to be one. Even in UTDP him lying about his organization makes complete sense to me (and some of his Salmon Mode preferred answers actually make it seem like he thinks his lies about DICE are ridiculous/stupid which is why I think he makes it sounds over the top and evil so people just write it off and ignore it which is a solid strategy tbh). 

His lies in trials are usually setups to get others to slip up or drag the discussion to where he wants it to be. It’s excessive but just seems to be more of a comfort zone where he knows how to navigate things like that and at the same time can hide himself as someone who knows too much. Which again there is definite purpose and intent in those lies. 

Purely compulsive liars are not necessarily known for being manipulative or cunning and Kokichi can be both of those things. He does lie for gain and to fulfill his plans which makes it seem to be a bit more than just a compulsive habit. Manipulative behavior is more associated with what some categorize as pathological liars (or no difference but again this isn’t a set standard across psychiatry at all). Pathological liars lie for gain but often have very little empathy. That doesn’t fit Kokichi to me because despite his flaws he is incredibly empathetic. Which is something I’ve definitely seen people not understand about him because people confuse kindness for empathy. Kokichi can be a massive asshole which people equate to not caring about others feelings. Which is sometimes true. But empathy is more about being able to understand other people's feelings which Kokichi actually has a very strong talent for. He recognizes the feelings in his classmates quite well even if he doesn’t approach them kindly. He can tell how Kaede feels, he recognizes Kirumi’s desperation, calls out Himiko, and in that conversation with Miu he fully understands her feelings of wanting to escape. It’s part of what allows him to have Gonta and Kaito go along with his plans, he understands their emotions and can easily tell the way they will act based on them. He isn’t mean because he doesn’t care about others emotions as much as he is mean to get certain emotional reactions (that typically benefit him but also sometimes others or the group as a whole). 

Pathological liars also tend to hate the truth and hate being called out on their lies or just straight up believe their own lies. He also does not seem to hate the truth more just recognizes the truth is not always a good thing. There is no denying he respects the truth since in every trial he absolutely cares they get the right answer (minus the 5th of course). He also uses the truth as a weapon just as much as his lies at times. Like when he pointed out Kaede pushing the group too far or Himiko’s attitude to Tenko. Saying the harsh truths that other people are afraid of saying are just as much part of his arsenal as lies. The comic anthology isn’t canon necessarily but like I did find it interesting that when they were all trying to trick the Monokubs that they had to try and physically stop Kokichi from telling Monotaro (I think) that he was lying. So that definitely makes his lying a bit unique in that he seems to have no problem in calling himself out on lies. Which he does almost constantly in canon and Salmon Mode as well. He is incredibly nonchalant about being called out on lying from others as well. I also don’t think he fully believes his own lies even the one about enjoying himself in the killing game. 

In the bonus modes he lies for fun and because it gets him reactions he wants (it’s not really for personal gain or manipulation in Salmon Mode or UTDP). It still seems very purposeful to me and something he enjoys doing (the line about how he likes lying more when hanging with Shuichi for example or how his conversation with Celestia in UTDP makes it pretty clear he sees lying as a fun game). He hates being bored and loves outwitting people and just playing around to see peoples reactions in general and lies are the perfect tool for that. 

But there are some things I think point to it being a psychological issue still. His line to Kaito before he died about how he had to lie to make it through the game really makes me feel like there is more to it than just him messing around. It's definitely not just a tool for him to use others but one he uses as a coping mechanism for himself. And Keebo’s conversation with him in UTDP about how his lies keep people at a distance adds credence to the idea that he does use his lies to shield himself from other people in any kind of situation. So I also think it isn’t just for fun or to get what he wants but for his own benefit as well. But it’s not something he feels he needs to change as we can see in his Harmonious Heart answers or even his spiel about lying in the Ch4 trial- he sees it as a part of him. 

While he doesn’t ever get much of a detailed backstory in canon. He does have that line to Kaito about how they have very different backgrounds which I feel heavily implies that whatever his background was was lying made it easier. I don’t necessarily think he had a “sad traumatic backstory that explains away his shitty behavior” I do think it's at least implied he grew up in an environment where lying was beneficial. And Danganronpa making such a deliberate reference to a TV show about orphans with a clown motif with DICE makes it seem like him being an orphan is hardly a large leap. He also jokes that he wouldn’t be missed a few times which again is nothing definitive but hints that he doesn’t necessarily have a background of super normal/healthy relationships (DICE is also insinuated to be essentially a found family for him which isn’t a typical situation for most people). 

So I guess part of the reason I’m reluctant to just call it compulsive is because that insinuates it's uncontrollable and I don’t know if there is evidence that he simply cannot handle things any other way. His harmonious heart says he could but doesn’t want to. But there is definitely enough there I think to say that it absolutely is a defense/coping mechanism that he uses to his advantage in addition to just enjoying lying because it's a fun game to him. But also he says he hates liars and lies so often it makes me feel like he recognizes lying can absolutely be a bad thing and that he is self-aware. 

So my TLDR answer is kind of both? Like he definitely lies a lot of the time for his own gain and childish enjoyment of it but also uses them to hide his true self and intentions as well as shelter his own emotions. And it’s not necessarily the healthiest thing for him or people around him so I don’t think it should be written off as a non-issue at all. But the term compulsive liar and how it's typically defined doesn’t really cover his super complicated relationship with lies for me. Because in the end he was written to be “the embodiment of a lie” so it makes sense his lies have multiple and complicated reasonings behind them. I mostly shy away from calling it compulsive because of the insinuations that it is “out-of control” and I don’t necessarily think that's the case. Compulsive lying is just too loaded of a term without a clear agreed upon definition for me to like using (even though I don’t necessarily think its wrong to say it could be classified as such). I personally feel like calling it a coping strategy that can be maladaptive fits better. I don’t think his lying is always inherently a bad thing but there is no denying its not the best thing either. He does it because he both wants to and needs to and feels justified in it as well which is why I wouldn’t categorize it as something he has no control over. (End of excessive rambling because I could go on about how blurry the line is between a behavoir like lying being “normal” and harmful because that is a whole other thing I could go on about)

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

I think Chile's general character and VA work can be blamed for that tbh. Ie, a character who's already a little aggressive has, after the og game, a va that makes her come off as very aggressive, whome the anime (both) ramps up certain traits of that. And unlike for P5, which occured after what i feel like is a shift towards scrutinizing anime if games, P4's anime was a lot of people's intro to it. Which creates an image of her that, while I dint think is unfair, isn't in lined with the game.

Of course bias be known, it might just be my circles being very vague but I do feel like P5, while for different reasons, gets the fandom punching bag bullshit to a worse degree. But that's also more or less because the internet's general culture in feel his shifted for the worse, so now you have stuff like twitter blogs dedicated to mocking fans who show passion in odd ways that ultimately don't hurt anyone. Or stuff like the struggle twitter.

No not Chile. DX jdklafsj; jk jk

Yeah, as much as I like Erin as a VA, I don't like her for Chie. Tracey!Chie just hits different and is A LOT more mellow. She still had energy but not like......a sugar hyped squirrel.

Ironically her aggression is always aimed at aggressors/oppressors (or just someone wronging someone else). Take the bullies in her SL. And even then it's mostly just her getting in your face. And she only gets in your face if......I guess you could say obvious injustice happening....like bullying (or you know.....forcibly signing her up for something she is forced to do). But yeah the anime took that....fairly human level character trait and RAMPED IT UP TO THE HEAVENS ....then brought it a back down to a more manageable level for the spinoffs (a better fate than her love for meat or Aki's protein shake now-trait u_u F in the chat for Fsteak orz).

I'd argue that the feelings towards games made into anime's weren't exactly positive during P4's anime time either. I remember a lot of people being worried because it already had a stigma. THAT BEING SAID, as an adaptation representing/reflecting/trying to be accurate to the game, P4's isn't great. As an adaptation that's making changes to attempt to tell a semblance of P4's story? Esp to someone who's never played P4? It does a decent job as an entry point for people who have never played. Like it's coherent enough. Does it change vital things? Yeah. Will newcomers notice? No. Will they at least get something that resembles competent media? To them yeah. To me? I still deal with the sins every day, it's my cross to bear. u_u

P5 got lucky that Persona became mainstream and it helped make it EVEN MORE mainstream, so when it's anime rolled around everyone was calling BS on it. Shame we couldn't have......something good come out of it. (If only Daybreakers was longer u_u)

I prefer to separate the characterizations. Like I don't mind multiple, but I wanna be fair to the char I wanna judge them base off of the original characterization. Like I've read the OG .hack books from Blackrose's perspective, so I sympathize with her. But I really should play the games so I can see her original characterization (without looking through her lens). I'm afraid I might not her as much (from what other's have said) but I can still maintain a separation of "I like the novel, but the OG source I don't like her from the outside perspective). So with Chie I'd rather people be like "I hated her in the anime, tho I know she's diff in the game and I'm glad for that, but at the same time I still have the negative association with the anime counterpart so I know it's that coloring my perspective....still not gonna like her tho." And that's fine. Just stop the smear campaign, I can't take it anymore! DX She didn't do anything wrong she just kicked shadows and saved my ass let her live! *sobs*

I do agree with the punching bag thing. I do see P5 becoming more and more of a punching bag..... I.... don't have any idea why (except "cringe" *eyeroll*). I know the reasons for P4 (and I do think that was....VERY unfair for P4). It feels more like people just want to mock P5 because it's popular. I don't like that the more I see it. Obviously I'm not a fan of P5, I'll tear it to shreds every chance I feel like (like on my own terms not like....cause someone's enjoying it, that's just rude). But what I won't do is shame someone for liking it (maybe IRL I'll say it as a joke with obvious joking inflection, and I'll clarify it's a joke, but that's it). You have every right to like P5, as I have every right to like P4. We also have every right to peel back and look into both games positively and negatively.

But yeah I feel like a lot of the punching stuff is....just being jerk to fans. P4 was misinfo being spread (same can be said about the FeMC, I swear I see one more brain dead take about her music on "fitting" I'm shoving a CD player up someone's ass and using their mouth as a gramophone). It feels more like people rag on P5 cause "fans like it" and "cringe." And????? Like????? There's a lot you can say that's wrong with P5......but why.....THAT? The fans did nothing wrong. And "cringe?" Fuck that. Embrace the cringe. What are we in middle school? Oh no can't like that, Timmy the "cool kid" with all his friends dictated that's not a cool thing to like. Well *gets in close to microphone* screw Timmy and his friends, like what you want. As long as you aren't hurting anyone it's fine. And last time I checked, liking P5 won't hurt anyone.

Narrator: She says, while in reality, every time someone states they like P5, her soul gets punched.

Jk jk. I do actually still recommend P5 to people (tho nowadays I really push to play P3/4 first if that's within reason for the person...... not cause I think they are better than P5, but 1) you appreciate the Igor twist more, 2) it's easier to so the combat going forward than backward so I'm thinking that's probs more helpful but that's just me thinking of the most optimal experience in enjoying all 3 games)

"But Silly, I still like the thing but I don't want people bothering me because it's deemed cringe!" Then be like me, make a separate account and vibe. I recently got back into a thing I liked back in middle school and it's 100% deemed as cringe....like wherever you go (I don't care it's a dumpster fire, it keeps me warm and happy....it's my dumpster fire uwu). And I just wanted to vibe and enjoy the content the renaissance was getting without 1) getting bs thrown at me for liking it, 2) not flooding my main blog which is def Persona (and Megaten) themed cause y'all wouldn't want to see that.)

You just gotta curate your experience on the internet. Do what best protects your sanity.

(was gonna end it there but omg it really is annoying, I keep seeing people just being jerks to fans cause they like the game and it's like sir....your on the negative side but do you even know the actual faults of the damn game? Or are you just being a jerk because you weren't hugged enough growing up? Cause that's not a P5/P5 fan problem, that something you should get checked out instead problem >_> Have a discussion not be a fucking dick god)

I....don't know if the internet culture has shifted to a worse degree. Maybe. I do think it's different but equally worse to Tumblr's mega hivemind at it's peak. But now it's less hivemind and more EXTREMELY divided. Both bad, just different. Can't say that each experience is the same on each platform. It feels different depending if you are on Tumblr, Twitter, Reddit, Gamefaqs, 4chan, yadda yadda

[leejeongz]

cravity ideal types- MY OPINION

🔸i decided to not include an empirical height since we don’t know all of their real heights, i just did it in comparison to them so “shorter” or “taller”, i hope this is okay!🔸

*once legal

serim: 1999-2003*

i think serim would like someone who was shorter than him, but still considered quite tall in society, with long legs. someone who also dressed well would match him perfectly. i think he would want someone who took care of their appearance and presented themselves well at all times. he would probably like someone who never really “dressed down” when they were out, saving it only for when the two of them were alone. i get a feeling he finds the alternative aesthetic attractive on others, including piercings (and tattoos possibly).

in terms of their personality, i think serim would look for someone who would stand by him at all times (when justified) yet would challenge him to better himself. i get the feeling that serim always wants to be number 1 and wouldn’t settle for anything else and so someone that gives him that confidence and tells him where to improve without fear would be perfect. i think he would really like someone who was always smiling too, someone who was content with their life even if they weren’t living the lavish lifestyle that they had dreamed, it would make him feel like he should be happy too and would allow him to appreciate the little things in life that maybe others didn’t. oh also, someone with god tier playlist hehe.

allen: 1999-2004*

i think allen would want someone who was a similar height to him, maybe a little shorter but he wouldn’t mind, with an athletic build. i feel like he would adore someone who wore a natural look most of the time and appeared quite youthful in their looks. the clothes that they wear wouldn’t really have any effect of allen but seeing someone in colourful clothing would make him subconsciously very happy. i see him with someone who has big eyes and big lips, quite like himself, with pale skin and light hair, shoulder length or shorter. idk why but i think he’d find tattoos kinda hot and would love to learn about their meanings when he was alone with that person.

personality wise, i think allen would want someone who was a little flirtatious and playful, but only to him. he radiates playful energy himself so someone who was also like that would compliment his personality really well, especially when the two of them were alone. i don’t think he would like someone with no goals and no ambitions, i feel he would want to be inspired by his s/o and so they really need to be driven and determined to reach their own goal, whatever that may be. allen would probably find it really cute if they saved a part of themselves for his eyes only, for example if they acted tough in front of others but were actually really sensitive and in touch with their emotions behind closed doors.

jungmo: 1999-2003*

i don’t think that jungmo would take height into consideration when finding an s/o, but the idea of him with someone taller is so cute in my mind ahhh. i think he would like someone with beauty that is unique but can still be appreciated if that makes sense. he would want the right amount of cute and the right amount of hot in a person, just like himself, but would maybe only reveal one of those things to other people, leaving the other one just for him. hair wise, i think he would like someone with long brown hair that he can play with. i don’t really think he would fall for someone based on looks alone and would probably weigh it wayyy more on personality and attitudes.

like i mentioned before, i think someone with duality would make this boy w e a k. he would appreciate someone with a kind heart but a sharp tongue, someone that wouldn’t be afraid to call someone out on their bs. their humour would be what attracts him the most though, his partner must have a sense of humour that compliments his or else he would feel restricted in what he says or does. i get vibes from him that he is a good listener, so i think he needs someone to talk to too sometimes, someone who could also offer him sensible advice when he needs it. cooking for him is probably the way to his heart and so he would want someone that knows their way around a kitchen.

woobin: 2001-2005*

i sense woobin would want an s/o who understands him and his values and has a similar mindset to him, it would make communication easier and neither of you would be afraid to overstep any boundaries. i think he would want someone who knows what they want but isn’t afraid of making mistakes along the way, mistakes that they could both learn from together. someone who could show him new things would really spark his interest, he’d want to know more about your passions, especially if they were something he wasn’t too knowledgeable on. learning, to him, is an important part of a relationship and he sees it as quite an intimate aspect.

height wise, i see woobin with someone taller than him, whether that’s a lot or a little, he doesn’t really care. body type isn’t something he cares about either, nor the length of their hair, however, i do think he has a soft spot for mousy brown hair. i don’t really know how to explain this but i think he would like someone who wears neutral colours or house colours that compliments their skin tone, whatever that may be. probably likes people who overdress for every occasion and are a little out there with the style of clothes since the colours aren’t that bold. someone that looks put together is what he finds really attractive and makes him immediately want to learn more about them.

wonjin: 1999-2003*

i don’t think wonjin would be fussy and wouldn’t have a specific type, instead just going off vibes and the connection he has with the person. because of that, i think someone with a similar mindset would match him well since he feels like he can actually converse with them naturally. i think he’s quite an open minded person and so he wouldn’t care for cultural differences and would love to learn things about the other person’s culture. of course, since he loves to be funny and have a laugh, someone uptight wouldn’t be a great match for him and so he would love it if they could be their goofy selves in front of him. honestly probably just wants someone to vibe with more than anything.

height wise, i think he’d look good with someone shorter than him, it would probably make him feel most comfortable- like i said in a previous post, i think he would like to take the lead in a relationship and would prefer more of a “traditional” relationship. i think he would take an interest in the person’s clothing and would judge someone quite quickly off of their fashion, but is always open to changing his opinion on them. dressing well isn’t necessarily something he looks for, instead someone who is brave with their clothing choices and can pull it off. probably likes people who have their nails done, especially when they do it themselves and they aren’t really long.

minhee: 2002-2005*

since he’s an absolute g i a n t, i think he would struggle to feel comfortable physically (sharing a bed, cuddling etc) with someone taller or the same height, and so he would therefore like someone shorter (probably without even realising his reasoning lmao). not to mention he would find it insanely cute and would be his favourite topic of conversation. i think he would like someone with long, light brown hair, which is a lil bit wavy, and would find it very attractive if their eye colour was the same as their hair. he would really like it if they had an interest in fashion and could give him tips on how to make his outfits better.

i think he would like someone academically clever, always achieving good grades and reading in their spare time who could help him study sometimes and keep him motivated, but was also a little bit of a scatter brain. would probably fall for the “class president who everyone actually liked” type of person. someone who didn’t think too much into things unless they were really important would make minhee slightly intrigued. he would find it funny hearing their questionable thought processes but could also understand where they were coming from because he is also chaotic asf. little moments like those made him feel closer to that person and made him fall more in love with them.

hyeongjun: 2001-2003*

okay so, hyeongjun wants to be babied, that’s for certain. i think he’d love a person that was quite motherly, the mum of the group for sure. he’d really admire it if they could help him with things that he struggled with, even if that meant going out of their comfort zone just for him, it would allow him to trust them more. i think he’d be best with an extrovert. at the times when hyeongjun might shy away from things, he would be thankful of someone who could push him forward and make him do things that he might regret not doing later on. since he is sensitive himself, someone who wasn’t sensitive at all might intimidate him and he might feel pressured into acting okay when he isn’t and so i think someone sensitive, like himself, might be more suited to him.

his ideal height for an s/o would probably be shorter, someone who fit the “cute and bubbly” stereotype, while still having some more mature features. i think he would want someone with chubby cheeks and plump lips, both with a pink tint that was more than the average person’s. i don’t think he’d mind about the colour of hair, he might find shorter hair kinda cute tho. i think he would like someone who wore a lot of pastel colours and simple clothes, just like jeans and a tshirts. i think he would prefer someone more feminine.

taeyoung: 2003-2005*

his worst nightmare would probably be having an s/o who was really introverted and serious and so i think he would like someone carefree and just happy, ya know? he would like it if they were optimistic on every occasion and weren’t that cautious about new things, a risk taker. his ideal partner would be described as fun, simply put, there would be nothing that they wouldn’t try. he would appreciate some sarcasm, just to spice things up. for him i think it would be ideal if there was nothing he couldn’t joke about with them (idk i just get a dark humour vibe from him lmao) so he wouldn’t constantly be worried about what he was saying. obviously, it would be preferable if they had an idea about their future, but i think taeyoung would find it admirable if they were adaptable to any career and he would be supportive of whatever they chose.

in terms of height, i don’t think he would mind too much, perhaps preferring someone his height or a little taller. he would like it if they experimented with their looks, whether that be through their hair, their outfits, their make up, their accessories or all of the above, making them look different from the average joe. i’m not saying taeyoung has a thing for hands, but i think he would notice someone’s hands first and would make a judgement from this. he doesn’t strike me as someone who really cares for their appearance and would more likely fall for someone solely for their personality.

seongmin: 2002-2004*

i think he would like someone with a balanced mix of feminine and masculine, someone to compliment his mix of both (does that make sense? probably not). i see him being happiest with someone who is quite shy like himself but not exactly introverted. like they would still rather go out than stay at home to have fun but it would only be the two of them most of the time. he wouldn’t want them to be AS shy as him though because how else would he talk to them? i think he would like it if they were more sensitive than him and weren’t afraid to show their emotions, and at the same time made him feel comfortable about showing his emotions. at the end of the day, he just wants someone who accepts him for who he is without trying to change him in a way that he doesn’t want to, he wants to develop into a better person during a relationship.

seongmin having a smaller s/o would be so freaking cute like he could baby them and a g h so yea i think someone smaller would suit him well! i’d say he likes someone with black hair, maybe dyed underneath like a bright pink or blue or something (that’s a thing, right?), i think he’d find that so cool. i think the first thing he notices about someone is their smile and would like to see that person smiling like all the time. someone who radiates cute energy would make seongmin feel so weak he’d have no choice but to fall in love with them.

[aquaaquila]

THIS!!! THANK YOU!

Like you have no idea how long it bugged me with this headcanon. People be saying that those 2 either have "rivalry" or just bicket, bit no. Amity in facts bullies Hunter in the fanworks and pretty much has beef with him. And those who def3nd this headcanon by precisely calling it rivalry or bicketing completely miss the point and deflect how much shot they let fanon Amity get away with.

I will build on more on what you wrote as I've seen Atla (though don't worry, I won't spoil anything, just call out the BS) and have my own thing to say.

What people like to cling in general when it comes to this headcanon is Amity's animosity that originated from her animosity towards Hunter in EL BEFORE they battled. Amity this entire episode distrusted Hunter and shut down any idea that they could cooperate. Notice how Hunter rarely ever truly hates Amity in return and more than often it's simply just redirecting the same thing Amity directs towards him rather than Hunter having any genuine reason to also not like Amity.

And I mention this specifically because people call them rivals, but a true rivalry should be mutual, as one-sided one is really just jealousy. And Amity being jealous of Hunter is hardly the intention people think they're going for, but it is pretty much the reason why people think Amity would have hard time trusting Hunter. But a girlfriend being jealous of her partner's "brother" is pretty crazy and not a good look on a girlfriend unless people have guts to admit that Hunter is not Luz's brother and Amity in general feels threatened (which makes the headcanon even worse and I doubt anyone truly wants to admit that, but that might be a dark truth hidden under the surface of it all).

Another thing I want to mention is Atla comparison. I will just drop names here instead of explaining in detail who the characters are to not spoiling it too much. Amity is always compared to Katara while Hunter is always compared to Zuko whenever this headcanon shows up. And while the show is not afraid to give Atla a shoutout and I'm sure EL does serve that, it still is a shoutout and not a parallel. At most it's a reference that is only surface level instead of real comparison as Amity resembles Zuko more than Katara (when her connection to Katara pretty much started existing only in EL) while Hunter as a character has more in common in depth with characters like Azula, Sokka, or Toph.

Quite ironically, if Amity were to ever treat Hunter the way her fanon version does, Willow who's the closest to Katara out of the entire Hexsquad would in fact be the one to put Amity in her place. A side note is that Hunter in canon was given a distrust and a cold shoulder "Katara style" but it wasn't Amity who gave him that but Gus, and honestly as he should as while Amity was a newcomer, Gus much like Katara was part of the official lineup of the gang, wanting to protect them after dealing with the BS Hunter put them through.

Now you did mention before that Amity being protective of Luz is fine, with which I agree, but I disagree the extent Amity is willing to go. Murder is not a good response to deal with someone trying to UPSET Luz. If you have like Belos who truly tries to end Luz's life, Amity is justified to kill to protect her girlfriend, but if Luz is facing an invonvenience, killing it is not the answer. It doesn't make Amity a girlboss for doing so, it makes her a Yandere, which isn't cute or funny or ok at all. Amity acting like this especially towards Hunter is toxic and goes agsinst what her character arc stands for.

In conclusion: this headcanon regresses Amity's character and is based on both misconception and a buried bias and questionable morals and people mindlessly subscribing to it should give themselves a minute to check their priorities as while having any headcanons you want is ok, it's not ok if those headcanons do come from a place of harm, when that fun should be harmless, but it won't be if people won't be sincere and reasonable.

Why I LOATHE The "Amity Hates Hunter" Headcanon

In the TOH fandom, there's a certain headcanon that's been floating around in the community. You've probably seen a fan comic or two about and even an animatic video, that being, the "Amity hates Hunter" headcanon. After analyzing the show further and gaining a better appreciation for it, I can safely say that this headcanon absolutely sucks. Now there's nothing wrong with people having headcanons or anything, you can headcanon whatever the hell you want, but I really feel that this headcanon in particular spreads a really bad misconception about Amity and Hunter's relationship and kind of misses the thing the show is going for. So in this post, I'm going to analyze this headcanon and why it just. Does not work.

1. What Is The Premise of The Headcanon?

Before I dissect this headcanon let's first establish what this headcanon is about. Basically, the premise of the headcanon is that Amity doesn't fully trust Hunter after his redemption since she hasn't forgotten about the time he threatened Luz's life so he could get the titan blood key from her, and so she still dislikes him and hasn't bought his change yet. She would be more skeptical of him, basically.

Alright, so now we've established what the headcanon is based on, let's now get into the real meat of why this headcanon doesn't work. I'm going to talk about Eclipse Lake, Any Sport in A Storm and Labyrinth Runners and analyze each episode in terms of how they demonstrate why Amity wouldn't hate Hunter.

2. Eclipse Lake

Eclipse Lake seems to be an episode that is heavily misunderstood by the "Amity hates Hunter" crowd to me, as some people seem to forget certain things about Amity and Hunter's relationship here and ONLY focus on Hunter threatening Luz to Amity's face. This is where I bring up my first major point here; that being, Amity relates to Hunter. Amity and Hunter are directly meant to be parallels to each other, and Eclipse Lake does pretty clearly show that. Hunter throughout the whole episode basically does a "you and me are not so different" thing with Amity, with how they both have to live up to the standards of the people they care about and are afraid of disappointing them, and eventually, when Amity sees Hunter literally dig his own grave, Amity realizes that he is right, they are both kids held up to high standards by their shitty parents that they are afraid of not meeting.

And THIS is what people often miss here; Amity relates to Hunter. She's been in the same position and circumstances as him - after all, she knows exactly what it's like to have shitty parents, so she would empathize with him given their similar circumstances. And this could also mean that Amity would realize that Hunter, in some way, is being abused by Belos - which again, she would empathize with given she used to be in similar circumstances to him. She wouldn't hate Hunter, she would empathize with him because she sees herself in him, she knows what it's like to be in his position, to have parents who force you under pressure to meet high standards that you may struggle to meet.

Then we get to the moment that kickstarts this headcanon - Amity giving Hunter a hand in friendship, only for Hunter to betray her trust after he notices the titan blood key, and then threatens Luz's life in front of Amity so she could give him the titan blood key. After that, Hunter flies away with Amity having a disappointed expression on her face while she looks at him. I think some people tend to misunderstand this moment too - now, do I think Amity would trust Hunter after this? Not exactly, but that's until we get to...

3. Any Sport in A Storm & Labyrinth Runners

I'm gonna cover Any Sport in A Storm quickly since there isn't much to say, but it and Labyrinth Runners support my second major argument here; Amity doesn't have a reason to hold Hunter's past actions against him anymore. In Any Sport in A Storm, Hunter disobeys a command he was given by Darius just so he could protect his friends and fix his mistake, and at the end of the episode Willow shows Luz and Amity a group picture of the emerald entrails, ofc they see Hunter in the pic and they gasp and the episode just kinda ends after that.

Now, after Eclipse Lake, it is correct to assume that Amity wouldn't trust Hunter, though she could still heavily see herself in him and relate to his situation. But now in Any Sport, Amity is just given the information that Hunter disobeyed an order he was given and went out of his way to protect his friends, we don't know the exact conversation that happened after that moment but it's still a sign to Amity that Hunter's making a turnaround. "But Hunter kidnapped Amity's friends!" Why yes, he did, but he also went out of his way to fix his mistake and again, disobeyed an order he was given which would have risked his position in the EC. I don't think the other characters, including Amity, wouldn't factor that in. So while Amity still wouldn't fully trust Hunter - she would still see some signs that he is making a turnaround.

Then comes Labyrinth Runners. Now, I want you to pay attention to what Hunter does in this episode, because it illustrates my point of why Amity wouldn't hold any of Hunter's past actions against him anymore. In Labyrinth Runners, he...

Saves Gus from Adrian

Helps save the school

Gives clear information on what's going to happen on the day of unity

I think what Hunter does in Labyrinth Runners does make up for his past actions, which keep in mind aren't the worst things characters in this show have done (Cough Cough Lilith kidnapping and almost killing Luz in her battle with Eda Cough Cough, Amity almost getting Luz dissected Cough Cough), and so it wouldn't be out of character for Amity to trust him, especially when he saved Gus, aka, one of Amity's friends. This combined with the past stuff I mentioned about how Amity sees herself and relates to Hunter AND how Amity could just see Hunter as someone who was just lied to and manipulated by Belos which, I'm pretty sure the whole hexsquad would see him like that, means that Amity doesn't have much of a reason to be an ass to Hunter.

He's fully proved he's trustworthy, the others trust him, and so would Amity. I think it's also worth pointing out that, I don't think Amity would blame Hunter for what he did in Eclipse Lake. She knows why he did what he did, and again, she's been in the same circumstances as he was; I don't think she would blame Hunter for being desperate to gain his abusive parent's approval to meet his expectations since she was in the same position too.

So, in conclusion, Amity wouldn't hold any of Hunter's past actions against him, she doesn't have much of a reason to do so, since now he's proven himself trustworthy. However, a lot of people tend to ignore all of the stuff I just mentioned, and they create fanworks where Amity threatens Hunter in some way, which leads to a certain thing about this headcanon that pisses me off...

4. It Makes Amity into an Asshole

I think this is my biggest issue with how the fandom often characterizes Amity and Hunter's relationship; Amity just becomes an unlikeable asshole in all fanworks that spread the "Amity hates Hunter" headcanon. I am not going to name any examples here because you've probably already seen at least one fan work portraying Amity this way. Fanworks like these tend to ignore all the stuff I previously said in the last two sections and have Amity be an asshole to Hunter, which actually VERY OOC for her.

As if these works try to portray Amity as some kind of girl boss who "Is so protective of her girlfriend and will murder anyone who tries to harm her!", which is fine until you factor in all the outside context, once you do, Amity doesn't come across as a protective girlfriend in these fan works, she comes across as an asshole bullying an abusive victim when she has NO REASON to. Amity isn't a girl boss in these fanworks, she has no reason to treat Hunter like this for the reasons I already mentioned, yet people ignore ALL OF THAT in favor of Amity threatening Hunter cuz it makes her "cool" I guess.

Amity would be the first person to understand Hunter's situation and why he did what he did - she's been in the same position as him, and now, when he's proven that he's trustworthy to her, why should she be an ass to him? Do you see why it's annoying how OOC Amity is made in these fanworks? Really, this headcanon should just be called "Amity bullies Hunter" because that's what it is, Amity being an asshole to an abuse victim when she has no reason for doing so. I don't mind the idea of Amity being a protective girlfriend for Luz, it makes sense for her character, but when it comes to Hunter the fandom flanderizes it to an absurd degree.

5. Conclusion

I could talk about this longer and mention how this headcanon was basically formed from nothing but avatar comparisons and nothing else but I haven't seen Avatar yet so I can't really comment on that. Besides this post getting long enough already (I saw when I've made far longer essays on the internet). In conclusion; Amity wouldn't hate Hunter. Not in the slightest. This idea thankfully is starting to become abandoned by the fandom with more people recognizing that it is just. Does not work. And while that's nice I still kinda thought it was time for someone to fully analyze why this headcanon does not work (and that person was me babeeeeeeeey). So uh ya....bye.

[tricksterreformed-a]

✩  INTERVIEW WITH THE MUN  ✩

➊ How many ships do you have on this blog?

          I don’t know, let’s count! I’ve been writing some super fun GabrielxBobby stuff with @multimuse-rp, and that good (complicated) GabrielxDean shit with @awaywardboy-andhisangel and actually... that’s all the canonxcanon ship stuff I’m writing right now for some reason. But that’s not all the ships!  Fulfilling a years long dream (for me) @daedaluscried and I are writing GabrielxAri and she has also indulged some excellet (unrequited) GabrielxEve content, @thxwxlf and I have dabbled in some GabrielxKekipi, and @inferniangod has been kind enough to write GabrielxIfrit with me. 

          I’ve discussed, but not actually written GabrielxSam with @smmie, and I think @hellsmother and I are on track to write some GabrielxRowena (but if I’m not sure I should probably check, whoops).  So that’s six total, eight if you count these last two.  Plus a handful of others where Gabriel is just flirting at people and waiting to see what happens.  Nothing has to happen, he’s just like that.  But something could happen with any of them.

➋ Have you ever roleplayed with someone that just left an unforgettable impression on you?

          Of course!  I’ve been doing this for 10+ years and people have made all kinds of impressions, some amazingly good and others downright awful. I can roll through some nicknames/first names only and proably only Anti will know who I’m talking about because a lot of them are from our shared history on gaiaonline!  I could go on and on about every single one of these people but here’s a quick ‘n dirty list instead: Noir, Kathy, Mariah, Moose, Lyss, Berry, and @daedaluscried!  I’m still occasionally in touch with three of these people (one more often than the other two) which I think is kind of wild all things considered. There’s also some not so good impressions, like guy-who-started-nice-and-then-harassed-me-for-nude-pics and the-person-who-broke-my-trust-and-caused-me-to-stop-writing-smut, but i have put them far far behind me.

➌ Which of your ships on this blog is the fluffiest?

          The fluffiest is probaly Gabriel and Ari now that we’ve gotten into the emotional core of the relationship on both ends.  Which isn’t to say that it’s not a spicy ship with a helping of angst, but... I’ve written more hand-holding with them than with any of the others and I guess that’s my definition of fluff. Also I suspect the gratuitous hand-holding will continue even once they’re past the language barrier. So... FLUFF.

➍ Would you say you’re a decent role player or do you have any self doubts?

          I think I’m a decent writer but my roleplay skills vary depending on the day.  I understand how to set a mood and (usually) how to string a decent sentence together but sometimes the craft that goes into bouncing off of another writer and giving them something to bounce off of in return eludes me.

➎ Have you made lots of friends on this blog?

          More than I expected too. But when I set this blog up I thought ‘those days are behind me now’ so... one would be more than I expected.

➏ What’s the one thing you especially love about roleplaying your muse?

          WRITING THE JOKES!  And not just the verbal jokes he makes, I love writing jokes into my narration! Meta jokes! Dick jokes! Bad puns! All of it! I love it!! I also enjoy the way Gabriel interacts with the world around him.  He rarely just stands in a scene and talks, he’s always moving and gesturing and doing stuff. I also love writing his dialogue, even when the things I write make me squinch my face up with shame. He just says stuff sometimes. 

➐ Are there any people you’ve been to afraid of approaching?

          NOPE!  I’m not afraid to reach out. Approaching people is the easy part. You send a meme, you make an ooc comment, you tag them in something, you hit them with an ask or an IM or whatever.  And if they don’t answer that’s a-okay!  Their choice, I’m not hurt or personally offended. What I’m afraid of is what happens after that part if they do answer.  I can usually BS a thread until I find the point of the thing but IMs and asks? Y I K E S ! Now there’s an expectation for me to be cool and witty and have good ideas instead of just mediocre ones. Very scary. The reason I don’t send IMs.

➑ Give us a rough estimate: How much time have you spent on your graphics? (icons, theme, banners, promos, etc)

          My icons/graphics are a visual representation of me learning to use G.I.M.P. and I think you can... very clearly see the learning curve.  More effort went into those old fuzzy icons I have than the new, crisp ones. Plus moodboards and other stuff?   My guess is 40+ hours.

➒ Got any memorable threads on here? Care to mention a few?

          Well now I wish I had thread tags.  Thread tags would be a lifesaver right now.  Anyway, I am once again shouting out @awaywardboy-andhisangel and our original GabexDean thread that has since spiraled and gotten very, very interesting (it’s not over, I just like it).  And @divinitatemxsanguis who has allowed me to indulge in writing Gabriel with Loki post all the betrayl and murder. They have a special place in my heart so thanks for not judging me! I’m getting ready to write the conclusion/endcap to a sad thread with @isclcphobics involving Talia, Gabriel, and a grave. Plus the thread with @downwillow where Gabriel is human and Micheal has forgotten him. And a shoutout to @daedaluscried for our thread series that I have affectionately dubbed the ‘The Nanny’ series ft. October and Gabriel.  Every thread has been a delight.

          I also have some stuff I’m really looking forward to getting into, specifically with @hellsmother​, @cursebcund​, and @magaprima​.

➓ What were some of the most frustrating moments you had with your muse’s interaction with another muse?

          One that’s on me: sometimes I know that a moment in a thread calls for some emotional vunerability, and often when those times roll around the Gabriel voice I use to write dialogue goes all quiet and resistant and just wants to make jokes.  And either one of two things happens, either I write the joke and cringe because I know now the thread is going to go way off track because obviously the other character won’t be thrilled/is about to shut down and shut up. Or I force some emotional vunerability out of him and it never quite sounds right to me.  Sometimes it’s natural, but sometimes he just won’t do the thing and it frustrates me!

          One that I’ve encountered from someone else: sometimes people will try to force a certain motivation or trait on my Gabriel based on their perception of canon/a past interaction they’ve had with another Gabe as portrayed by another RPer. This really grinds my gears because if you want a Gabriel with that motivation to critique/praise/fight with then go find one! I garantee someone out there plays him that way! There are a lot of us out here doing this! I’m not going to change my portrayl for you!!

[woeismyhoe]

Spill the tea, what's the deal with you and the BSG group (avatar-chang and her squad in particular)?

Ok anon, sorry for taking so long! I wanted to get everything right and honestly collecting the posts took a longass time xD

Anyways, the only ones I have a problem there are avatar-chang, hexful/dykesia/bizukos, catrademption, cardboardseagulls (never seen interacted b4) and bizulas (also never interacted b4).

I’m going to be really transparent about this whole thing so it’s gonna be long as there’s gonna be several links and I’ve included the dates so it’ll be easier to understand. Since I’ll be fully transparent about this, i’ll probably get hate or whatever. Honestly, I just want to put everything out there without being biased or hiding anything. I’m going to disclose everything here.

So, the whole thing between me and avatar-chang started off with this post I made last year on 10 March 2019. Afterwards, she PMed me on the same day and this was the conversation:

After that, I thought the argument was over because she blocked me lmao. The only ones I spoke to about this was nbw and my real life friends (who had nothing to do with ATLA lmao I just ranted to them).

And then the next incident I think was on 16 March 2019 when I made this post about Azula’s abuse of her friends. I was new and 16. I genuinely wanted to know why people labeled Azula as an abuser. It was dykesia who responded to me at the time.

Now, unlike avatar-chang, I had a few conversations with dykesia (who was bizukos then) that was generally civil. I first interacted with her when she made a post calling out Zucest shippers or something?? I was very new. Like fresh newbie baby ATLA tumblr fan new lmao so I thought what she said was too aggressive. I didn’t realize that there were actual Zucest shippers until after some time. And then she PMed me on 13 March 2019, saying that she doesn’t always agree on characters with me but I do write some interesting pieces on Azula— that she’s a huge fan of Azula but she just tends to stay away from her fandom. I apologized about the previous incident of the Zucest thing and it was fine after then. We talked about zuko, the fandom, the comics, Mai etc etc. I thought we were on fine terms.

And then I made a post about the cliff scene in the comics on 16 March 2019. Avatar-Chang made a post that was pretty directed at the post but it seems like she’s deleted it.

On 17 March 2019, I received an anon mail telling me that avatar-chang was talking shit about me behind my back. I censored her name then because I didn’t want to believe without any evidence. No one sent me any screenshots about it so I just dismissed it.

On the same day, avatar-chang answered an anon and talked about the 13 child post theory I made on 9 March.

On 23 April 2019, I received another anon mail about avatar-chang, asking if I’d seen the post she made about Azula. I censored her name again cuz I didn’t want to start any shit over having differing opinions. I’m assuming this is the post the anon was referring to.

On 28 April 2019, dykesia/hexful/bizukos PMed me to ask if I was talking shit about other people behind their backs, and her. I denied this because I hadn’t. This was how the conversation went:

Yes, I didn’t censor any name because as I said, full transparency. I have afp blocked because we’ve clashed several times and he’d still come for my posts last year despite already being blocked. If you’ve followed me long enough, you probably would’ve rmbered that time lmao

Anyways during then, I don’t think I realized that dykesia was actually being passive aggressive. It’d been barely a year since I started the blog and I just didn’t want to full out make enemies. Reading the messages now tho lmao she really was passive aggressive. But yeah then she said this in bsg so I don’t even know why she bothered to ask me if she wasn’t even going to consider believing me.

The 9th of June 2019 was the last time she messaged and it was to ask if I mind her discoursing this Zuko post while ‘hard and drunk’. It was the first time she could apparently agree with me so it was I quote a ‘Yay??’. Afterwards I don’t know when she did it but she blocked me lmao

On 17 July 2019, I received another anon mail telling me that avatar-chang publicly called me a bitch when she was answering an anon about me posting the scans of the EK Chronicles. She mentioned this in bsg again on 19 April 2020 lmao (she’s that petty) it seems:

On November 8 2019, an anon (one of avatar-chang’s friends actually) asked about my thoughts towards the allegations against Aaron Ehasz. I still believe in the system of ‘Innocent before proven guilty’, so I didn’t side with anyone. I tried to be as objective as possible. When I said that I hoped men would also come forward, I said that because I don’t want men to just sit on the sidelines and let the women get the heat if they were telling the truth. At the end of this whole thing, I concluded that Ehasz was a dick of a boss to the girls. Being called an abuser carries more weight than just being a dick. Everyone has been a dick at one point, but being an abuser is something else. Just because Ehasz was a dick doesn’t mean I’m going to stop watching TDP or dismiss his involvement in ATLA.

The next day, BSG brought the issue up despite both avatar-chang having already blocked me by then lmao

On 5 February 2020, after Legacy of the Fire Nation came out, I made a post calling out Iroh’s bs to Azula (guy literally blames Azula for everything that happened to Zuko (something which avatar-chang agrees with apparently, and Iroh even sees Ozai in a better light).

That’s so far what I’ve remembered that involved avatar-chang and dykesia.

Moving on to the next three attackers: catrademption, cardboardseagulls and bizulas.

I’ve seen catrademption around, but I don’t remember if we’ve clashed before. We must have though cuz she’s got me blocked lmao and I mostly only debate back to people when they reply to my posts. For cardboardseagulls and bizulas, I don’t think I’ve ever seen them them before but obviously they’ve seen my blog and misinterpreted everything I’ve written.

But according to them, I’m apparently a Azula apologist, extremist, irrational, toxic, coddles and woobifies Azula, justifies everything she does and invalidates abuse victims.

You can see the posts I’ve made to judge whether I actually am an irrational Azula apologist who blames everything on Zuko. One of the most recent posts I made about Azula’s character is this, and there’s still several more posts like that. Just search #meta or #analysis in my blog search and all of them will just pop up. I can assure you, I have never acted as if Azula has done nothing wrong or did everything right or whatever lies these people are spewing.

If anyone has proof that I’ve talked shit about people in the fandom to other people before, please, present your evidence. I highly think this is impossible because I actually don’t have many friends on Tumblr, nor do I usually initiate conversation because I’m awkward af.

I’ve also tried approaching those I recognized in bsg to find out more about the situation (and at least give my side of the story). Most of them have chosen not to speak to me LMAO but one of them who’s chosen to remain anonymous for their privacy, admitted that dykesia (hexful) forced them to block a blog before (after realizing they were interacting with said blog) and if not, they would be blocked themselves. I can’t post the conversation publicly because they’re afraid their speech mannerism will give away their identity. @space-sword has also shared his experience with avatar-chang on his blog and was pressured to cut off ties with ppb21 just to join the oh so magnificent Ba Sing Gay.

There’s absolutely no reason to judge someone based on their sexual orientation, race, color or age either. They rant about being discriminated against or being generalized or stereotypes but they’re the ones hypocritically committing these actions, and then justify their actions by saying ‘we’re oppressed, they’re not, so it’s not racism or discrimination’. And yet people still wonder why discrimination is still rampant LMAO

I can’t speak for the blogs they victimized in bsg, but I personally don’t agree with talking shit about them on a public server and then criminalizing them as if they’re actually predators. I also don’t agree with involving the blogs’ friends simply because of their association. I also don’t agree with demanding people to block blogs they don’t like because that’s just pure manipulation. That’s wrong and marginalizing people. Unless someone has actually been harassing or literally preying on people, then there’s no reason to actually go around warning blogs about them unless they’re asked about it.

If they feel uncomfortable about something? Then avoid that blog, filter their tags or even block that blog if they’re that uncomfortable—BUT they shouldn’t demand others to do the same just for their own benefit. It’s not up to them to decide what a person can or cannot see or who they can or cannot interact with. They’re not their parents, and they obviously have no right to pressure people into doing things they don’t want to. If they think it tactless that I shared the conversations? Oh honestly, a line was crossed when they spread shit about me so idc. If they actually feel terrible for being called out? GOOD. That’s what they should feel, because in no way was any of what they were doing right or justified. If they’re going to shit on me then expect to be burned because I’m not someone who’ll just shrivel in fear because they have a bigger following.

[chelledoggo]

Coming Clean

The past few days for me have been...eventful, to say the least.

But it's a new day, I've cooled down from the panic, and am ready to make my final, no-BS statement on this whole controversy. I feel like it needs to be done, and a few tweets on the subject isn't enough.

CW: Transphobia, Ableism, Suicide, Anxiety, Panic attacks, Depression, Rape and Murder mentions

On Sunday, July 12, 2020, I made a meme and posted it to Twitter. Essentially, the meme was comparing issues of mainstream trans and nonbinary people (being killed, being raped, being made fun of, being denied health care under Trump, etc...) to the online xenogender community, a community which I had not previously properly educated myself on.

Xenogenders, as I understand now, are gender identities that are used by some people, typically neurodivergent people, because they feel that these terms describe their gender identity better than the predetermined labels that are more commonly used. (cis, trans, nonbinary, agender, genderqueer, etc.) These identities are often based on unconventional factors, such as aesthetics, creatures, mythical beings, natural phenomena, and so on, and often use pronouns specially coined to compliment them.

In the meme, I depicted a very unflattering stereotype of xenogender youth, and used some tasteless terminology to describe how they present their developed gender identity to the world.

I won't bullshit you anymore. Here is the meme. (CW for Transphobia and Ableism; Rape and Murder mentions)

I posted it to Twitter, closed out, and took a nap. I didn't expect much to come out of it except for a few likes and retweets. I was obviously very wrong.

When I woke up and pulled up Twitter again, I was greeted to my notifications being flooded with replies upset by what I'd posted. Many of them were calling me out for ableism and transphobia. Some of them were just flinging insults and mocking me for my age/appearance/etc. Some of them were just fancams.

I'd finally seen the true impact of my actions.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a fear of angering others or becoming hateful and ignorant. I would never want to intentionally hurt innocent people, especially those of marginalized groups such as the trans and nonbinary communities. And as someone who is neurodivergent herself, I certainly wouldn't want to be willfully ableist. I've faced ableism in one form or another for my entire life.

People could also tell you that for pretty much my entire life, I've suffered with mental illnesses. I've been professionally diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD, and bipolar disorder. As such, I'm prone to panic attacks, outbursts, and suicidal ideation when under extreme distress.

As soon as I saw all the anger and hurt I'd caused, I started spiraling into a severe panic attack. I didn't realize how much this meant to a lot of people. A lot of young, neurodivergent people.

I felt like the scum of the earth. I fucked up, just like I've fucked up and made people hate me so many times before in the past. This is my life. Acting without thinking, and then unintentionally hurting people.

I immediately deleted the tweet and made an admittedly hasty apology.

When I'm in this state, however, I don't think clearly. My immediate reaction was that I was just too much of a fuck-up to go on living. I made a tweet saying I wanted to kill myself without any thought as to how that might be interpreted as guilt-tripping after I fucked up instead of taking responsibility.

Again, I was called out on it. So I deleted my suicidal tweets, too.

I then started posting tweet after tweet after tweet claiming that I was sorry and wanted to “be better.” But this barrage of tweets, as sincere as I thought they were at the time, came off as shallow damage control.

Once again, I was called out on this.

The next day, I tried once again to make a no-bullshit apology. I stated in plain english that I was indeed transphobic, ableist, and 100% in the wrong to make that meme, and that, while I still didn't fully understand xenogender identities, I would be respectful of them from now on.

There were plenty of people who were glad I apologized and learned from my mistakes, and I honestly felt a lot better for it.

I was hoping this would just be a fresh start, and things could slowly go back to normal for me and my friends.

However, there were also people angry at me for “bending the knee,” as they put it. I hid their replies to my apology because some of them (not all of them) were friends of mine, and I didn't want them getting attacked.

Some of my friends took this as “throwing them under the bus,” and were angry at me for it. A few of them decided they didn't want to be my friends anymore.

My friends, whether I agree with them on everything or not, mean a lot to me. They are really the only emotional support I have. I suffer from abandonment issues and my mental illness symptoms spike whenever I lose people I consider close friends.

So I lashed out at them for not respecting my decisions. I felt like they didn't really care about my mental health or my emotional wellbeing. I was hurt. Hurt just like I hurt everyone with the meme that started this whole nightmare.

I then, once again, started posting suicidal tweets. I talked about wanting to “chug a bottle of pills” and “go out like etika.” I actually attempted to strangle myself with a bathrobe belt. But, of course, I'm an all-talk-no-action coward when it comes to suicide.

After this, something just kind of fizzled out inside of me. I came to the conclusion that as much as I wanted to just make everyone happy, I couldn't. I couldn't make everyone believe that I was sorry, and I couldn't make everyone stop seeing me as just someone who wanted to “bend the knee” to avoid backlash.

So I was done. I gave up. I didn't care anymore. I was numb.

I made one last series of tweets stating just that, announced I was taking a break from twitter to heal, privated my account, and left. (I also made a tweet asking for people to report the person who screenshotted my meme and got people on me, but then I got called out for targeting a minor, and deleted this tweet as well.)

That brings us to right now.

I decided that I needed to really sit down, gather up all my thoughts, and recount the entire series of events. I just want everything that happened, including my words and actions, to be understood.

I'm not a bad person. I'm not an ableist or a transphobe. But I am a human. A human who makes mistakes. And when I make mistakes, I want to learn and do right by the people I've hurt.

I'm also a person with an extremely fragile mental and emotional state. A person who doesn't think clearly under pressure. A person who's had to put up with a lifetime of feeling like a failure who should honestly just cease to exist.

The bottom line here is this: I've gone through the suffering that I needed to go through. I realized the consequences of my ignorance. I've tried and am still trying my best to do right by everyone. I need to get this thing off my chest, confess to my sins, and finally let this whole thing go. So I can heal. So that everyone I hurt and everyone who got caught up in this can heal.

I would be lying if I said I completely understood xenogenders at this point. I probably never will. But I don't need to understand. I just need to be respectful. Because at the end of the day, no one's hurting anyone by identifying with a xenogender identity. They're just people trying to find themselves, just like I am. Who the hell am I to put them down? I'm neurodivergent. I've been young. I should know better.

I sincerely apologize to the xenogender community, to the LGBT+ community, to my friends, and to everyone that got caught up in this.

I love you all.

TL;DR: Made a shitty meme. Didn't do my research on xenogenders. Was ableist/transphobic. Had a severe mental health breakdown. Alienated everyone. Am genuinely sorry.

NOTE: At the time of posting this, my Twitter is still on private, and I’m afraid to unprivate it just yet. I would appreciate it if my friends could share this so it can get out there.

[jiminuets]

THE BAD LUCK CLUB

when my boy casper (26) first came to new york, he met a bunch of disasters and gathered them all into some sort of misfit friend group. some of them might have shared a flat for a while, some might still. they all have low ratings or are in the process of improving their ratings, as they are on the fringe of society in some way: as outcasts, shunned citizens, criminals, or simply just looked down upon and forgotten. they acknowledge the power of the rating system, but it doesn’t mean they all adhere to it or care for climbing back up to the top at all after all they’ve been through. while some of them might be working to improve their ratings just for a better living standard, they’re a group that has little regard for the fakeness of the system. they are close to one another because they all act real and can’t hide their bs from each other. they don’t try to pretend they are something they are not (most of the time).

i rly want them to like scam some people too lmao 👀

find me on the site discord (i’m zay) if you’re interested!

i’m loosely basing the archetypes off characters from the show misfits, but you don’t have to have seen it or strictly follow anything! just giving u some ideas info and inspo below. gender and ages can vary but everyone should be 23/24+

the alisha: played by casper boo. used to be a big partier and heavy drinker to forget the woes of his past, which drove him to new york. likes feeling needed and desired. craves touch, but is afraid of intimacy after heartbreak. guarded and acts aloof but he cares deeply. uses adult ent as a means to improve his ratings rapidly and make money to go back to college for his master’s degree and hopefully get a successful job. appears two-faced and mysterious, like a big gamer of a system which has failed him. 

the nathan: reserved for naomi. acts like a clown with no direction or aim in life. treats life as a joke and just wants to laugh it up to the fullest. prone to screwing up everything always no matter how hard they try. has no filter whatsoever and kind of liked riling people up for entertainment and watching them crack. has a petty criminal past. def loves their cons and practical jokes. kinda dumb. in the show nathan had the power of immortality, so they live very indulgently with little regard for anyone except this group of outcasts that are the closest thing to a home they’ve ever had.

the curtis: was super popular before having a fall from grace with a really huge scandal. like steroids and drugs for an athlete as an example. unlike the rest of the misfits, the curtis desires nothing more than to reclaim their spot at the top, however unachievable that is as their spotlight has fallen to someone else. they’ve been ousted from their career path/domain and not welcomed back. probably the fakest of all of the members because they cannot confront the lie they’ve been telling themselves about being perfect. and no one except casper really understands why they would want to return to such fakery and flattery. has a cocky sort of attitude. doesn’t like displaying how much they truly care about people and things, bottles things up. in the show, curtis had the power to rewind time, so this character is full of a lot of regret and sort of despair deep down.

the kelly: reserved for sahara. has probably always had a low rating since they were first registered due to being poor and their parents being unsavory characters. perfectly capable and smart, but unable to get out of the rut. bitter and angry bc of the system that seems immobile and unforgiving. might be looked at as a bit of a thug. has problems with aggression and vulgar, candid speech. aches to be at the top, but has probably given up on living the dream so they just pretend and take from others what they feel they deserve. in the show, kelly had the power to hear people’s thoughts, so this character is really self conscious about how everyone sees them.


the simon: observant but often overlooked by everyone around them. nothing remarkable so they slide off the radar. probably bullied in school for just looking or dressing like a weirdo. considered a freak. easily teased. meek and shy and quite naïve. wants to be powerful and feel some semblance of control but it aint ever gonna happen bub. probably a little weasel the gang always has to take care of. some are kind of awful to them but they’re just happy to have a couple of people who seem to enjoy their company. and call “home.” in the show simon had the power of invisibility and he tried to set someone’s house on fire??? which ought to speak for itself huh. little creeper.

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

as we are exchanging asks, something you asked me once: 10 favorite characters from 10 different operas and what you like about them?

an extremely delayed response, all apologies, and also it’s past midnight right now so perhaps I should be sleeping and I’ll try to keep this somewhat short (and probably fail), but anyway, to answer your question:

1. Don Carlo(s): I love just about everyone in this opera (except you, Grand Inquisitor. you can go die) but if I had to choose one, I’d go with the absolute icon that is Princess Éboli. The thing I love about her most, I think, is how wonderfully complicated and real she is. I mean, she loves life, she’s a fierce badass, she does some horrible things for...lots of different reasons, but she does her absolute best to set things right again. In short, an extremely relatable, amazing, gorgeous Disaster Bi. Also: Verdi mezzo, so epic-as-hell music.

2. La traviata: Violetta Valéry. She doesn’t have much in the way of competition within her opera, but I’m still putting her on here because she’s one of my favorite characters in anything ever, and one of the first fictional ladies on whom I developed a hardcore crush. Something people forget about courtesans is that they were more than just...sex objects. They were smart ladies who oftentimes set the pace for upper-class life even as they were privately scorned for their position. And Marie Duplessis (on whom Violetta is based) is pretty much your ultimate rags-to-riches story (although we know how it ultimately ends). So Violetta goes from having nothing to teaching herself the ways of the world, climbs to the top of Parisian society, then decides she wants to give it all up for true love and fulfillment. While she didn’t choose the right guy IMO, she’s incredibly brave and bold and sensitive and she cares so much about everyone and she gives up her happiness so many times and I can’t and I love her so much and also her music is amazing and excuse me while I go cry. Also I need to make these shorter.

3. Simon Boccanegra: There’s my boy, Simon! One: I am a sucker for Good Baritones. Two: I am particularly a sucker for Good or Good-at-Heart Tormented Verdi Baritones. Three: THIS GUY. All he wants is to have peace and be with his family. That’s it. He’s so good and kind and amazing but also he is taking exactly no one’s BS (just listen to that Council Chamber scene!). He takes a position he didn’t want in the hope that he’ll be able to win Maria, but then she dies, but then he still uses his position to try to reconcile the factions anyway (and surprisingly enough, he’s pretty successful?). And him as a dad MY HEART. 

4. Falstaff: Alice Ford, aka area 15th-century mistress of the house who has the mind of a 21st-century woman and is absolutely iconic for it. She’s incredibly smart and funny and clever and such a sweet person and great mom. She takes no one’s crap whatsoever and she outsmarts both Ford and Falstaff at every turn. She’s the ultimate ‘girls supporting girls’ lady and she gives the middle finger to the concepts of women just being good for being men’s playthings and of arranged marriage. And she knows how to have fun with it all. My one complaint: VERDI WHAT WERE YOU THINKING NOT GIVING HER A BADASS ARIA. That’s all.

5. Carmen: Carmen, my first love...I fell in love with her Habañera and her sheer confidence when I was 7 (and not realizing what it was about, may or may not have attempted to sing it on the playground at school, much to everyone’s confusion, but that’s a story for another time) and I’ve loved her since. I love her freedom, her huge self-confidence, her devil-may-care attitude, and every last note of her music. I just love her as a person. And of course, the iconic ‘‘Free was I born, and free I will die!” That right there is a life motto.

6. Eugene Onegin: My fellow book-loving, perpetually-dreaming nerd Tatyana Larina. Of course, I love her because of how sheerly relatable she is but there are so many other reasons as well. Like her and her sister’s dynamic. And the way she grows up and matures. And the way she’s not afraid to set some damn boundaries with Onegin, indeed, tell him no. That’s a strong girl right there, and while I wish she’d been able to get Onegin and true happiness...I’m not sure a relationship with Onegin would’ve worked out, and I’m proud of her for realizing that such a relationship (and perpetually fantasizing about it) could be extremely unhealthy and moving on. And oh God, her music. Especially the letter scene, which is every writer on an inspiration binge. And the final scene. Anyway.

7. Guillaume Tell: This is another ‘I love just about all the characters in this opera but welp I have to choose just one’ opera, and my choice is Guillaume Tell himself. First off: see #4. Second off: He’s just??? such an incredible person in every way like how is it possible to be that great of a human being??? He’s brave, he sticks up for what he believes in, he’s always willing to give others a helping hand, he’s super-enthusiastic, he’s a great husband/dad/friend, he’ll do anything for the people he cares about, he will readily call those who need it out on their BS...anyway we STAN him on this blog. Also, Rossini. And that incredibly gorgeous aria ‘Sois immobile’. I die.

8. Les Huguenots: Yet another grand opéra where I love the vast majority of the characters, and while I am 99% sure you already know the answer to this, I’ll say it again: it’s the only, the only Valentine de Saint-Bris, who just so happens to be incredibly amazing. She’s so...real and expressive and she’s someone I just personally feel like I get, like I see a little (okay more than that) of myself in her because of how real and relatable she is (I wrote a few posts a while back about why I headcanon that she has a severe undiagnosed anxiety disorder, which was...a major part of the story of my life for a while and to a lesser extent still is, but I digress) and also how amazing of a person she is. She’s not willing to just sit idly by while the world around her falls apart and the people she loves turn on each other (and eventually her). She’s one of the few people on either side of the aisle who’s like ‘this whole religious war thing is stupid and y’all need to stop’ and when things go from bad to worse, she puts herself out there in the middle of it all to save the people she cares about most (oh, also, remember how she just. stormed into the royal palace, demanded an interview with the Queen Mother, got it, and then used said interview to get a way to save Raoul and Marcel? yeah me too), and then when that fails, she literally renounces her own faith rather than belong to a religion that is committing actual crimes against humanity. and while she still fights to the bitter end, she still believes there’s a way to redemption for everyone and forgives her dad and JUST...I die. Also her music’s great but like. I love her mostly for her story.

9. Benvenuto Cellini: I am falling in love with this opera and literally all of its characters more and more every day, but my favorite character is probably Benvenuto Cellini himself, who is a) one of the few Not-Dumb tenors in opera and b) is a (mostly) Good Tenor. He loves life, he loves his art, he loves Teresa, and there are so many times where he is just such a Mood (see pretty much his entire second-act aria). Also, dude is GUTSY as hell. I mean, he literally gets the Pope to give him...pretty much everything he wants in exchange for the statue. That right there is an iconic moment. I don’t have a whole lot else to say about the character because it’s still kind of a new opera to me, but anyway he’s super-cool and I love him.

10. Les contes d’Hoffmann: Nicklausse! (Also his incarnation as the Muse, but mostly Nicklausse) He gets some of the best music in the whole thing (the Violin Aria anyone? or the Barcarolle with Giulietta?) and also he’s one of my favorite trouser roles. He’s super-ambiguous— is he really Hoffmann’s buddy or is he actually secretly working for Lindorf or is he going back and forth or is he somehow trying to help Hoffmann through working with Lindorf??? But one thing’s for sure: he’s by turns funny, serious, caring, devious...and I love him all the time. And his Musely work...ugh, the Muse gets me every time. Also, I invariably picture Kate Lindsey in the Sher production and that is a LOOK.

That’s all, sorry about the wait, and here you go! ❤️

[ifdragonscouldtalk]

I never realized how much I wasn’t bad at math but was assumed to be bad at math because it took more time and different methods for me to understand than other people until I took Calc I in college

For those that don’t know I go to a pretty prestigious liberal arts/sciences college on the east coast and Calc I or Stats I are required for graduation from ANY individual (yeah, even me, an English major). For literal years I had been struggling with math. The last time I had felt confident in math, it was in middle school when I first took Algebra, which I aced thanks to a lovely actress and mathematician called Danica McKellar. She wrote math books specifically targeted towards preteen girls struggling with math, and I absolutely adored those books even though they were math and I had always struggled with math.

I actually enjoyed doing math that year, I loved her explanations which made the math seem so easy and simple, and she had a lot of really uplifting quotes and advice for girls too! The reason I needed her books, however, was because they had placed me in the wrong math class -- instead of pre-algebra they had placed me in the one below it, and when my parents found out they were really pissed because i was a “gifted” child, so the school said said “well, she needs to learn pre-algebra over the summer” and my parents were like “consider it done”. And sucks to be the school, because I aced that fucking class.

Only math class I ever aced.

I had taken AP Stats my senior year of high school, and if I had taken the AP test for that I would’ve been able to skip the college Calc. If I had taken the test. I was so incredibly lost in that class -- and not just me, the valedictorian and salutatorian were in my class and they struggled -- that I seriously thought I was going to get a D or F in it. I’ve failed (like, 54% FAILED) math tests before, but never the entire class, and I had done early acceptance to my college. The stipulation on early acceptance is that your GPA doesn’t drop and you don’t get lower than a C grade in any class, and a C was pushing it, and I’ve been hovering at 76 the entire class. (Note, the grading system in my county is an 8-point based system, meaning you needed at 92 to have an A.) I called my college, panicking that they were going to kick me out, and explained that my teacher was really bad and I could give them testimonials from the other students in the class, but to please not kick me out that I was really trying. The person in the admissions office who I spoke to asked me which school I went to and then replied “Oh yeah, we’ve heard about your teacher, you’re fine.” Not exactly what my high school wanted to hear.

So the high school ended up letting a bunch of us drop the AP test, something they’d never done for any previous AP test, and refunded us. I decided in college that even the idea of taking stats again gave me so much panic that I wouldn’t take it, and I had done alright in Calculus, so that’s what I ended up taking, second semester of my freshman year with one of my friends who also struggled with math.

And that class changed my perspective so much.

Math in high school drove me to insanity. Hours long sobbing fits, panic attacks, depressive episodes, tearing up my homework and screaming into my textbooks. I was expecting something along those lines for college, because it was supposed to be even harder. Me and my friend walked into class the first day, both terrified because we remembered Literally Nothing from high school math, and our professor, a self-professed introvert and a very shy and kind woman, was insanely patient. Calc I, at least the section we took, was really for the liberal arts majors who just Did Not do math. She said she had never planned on teaching, had only been doing it for a couple years, but really enjoyed it.

Even when we asked stupid questions, she tried insanely hard to understand where we were coming from. If we were having trouble verbalizing what we were confused about, she never pushed us to go faster, she gave us the time to work out what we were trying to say, often ending up with us answering our own question. If we were confused, she was very good at explaining the concepts in a different way. She gave us big-picture ideas, what the formulas could be used for, but never tried to push us into thinking we might use these in our every day -- she flat out said we probably wouldn’t, but they were good to know anyway!

And we asked stupid questions. Like stupid questions in the sense of almost-every-one-of-us-couldn’t-add-4-and-9 stupid questions. But she never ever gave any indication of judgement for that fact. Sometimes we would confuse her -- how did they get 12 from 4 and 9? -- but never once did she get annoyed when we didn’t understand. And we didn’t understand a lot! We literally spent two class periods on one concept she expected to take twenty minutes, and she never got mad or tried to rush us along. Our questions were ALWAYS answered.

Not saying the class wasn’t hard, because it was. My friend and I would spend an hour every single day sitting at my desk, slaving over the work, my dad (a math major) on the phone trying to help us. We both got Bs in that class, and we were so overjoyed.

I don’t think I had a point to this post, but if I did, it would be math should be patient. Not everyone understands Shakespeare when they first try to read it, and not everyone understands math when it’s first explained. The idea that everyone should understand a concept when its explained the same way to every person is asinine. Not everyone learns the same way, and I know so many people who have gone into huge spirals over math. That’s not how it should be.

So many people don’t go into STEM because of the math portion. Because we’re afraid of it. But in a workplace, we have the time to double check and to ask questions and to try and understand, in a way that school never lets us.

I think I absolutely would’ve adored math and probably would’ve gone into Bio, if only someone had taken the time to understand that I didn’t.

tl;dr High school math, and especially with those standards of learning implemented, literally destroys students who otherwise just need a helping hand, not a bad grade

[yangingaround]

one thing that annoys me is people going but team rwby are traumatizied when the same thing could be said about ozpin ozpin was a like an old war vet who had ptsd and trauma . ozpin had every right to keep secrets I am sick of people trying to paint ozpin as a bad person or manipulative because he kept some secrets which needed to be kept secret due to many betrayals and if they go out it will only help salem like the relic if info is leaked to salem it will help her. ( lionheart 1/2

“Anonymous said to yangingaround:

was his friend and he just betrayed him to salem a short time ago and he has been betrayed many times in the past so why should he immediately trust team rwby who he doesnt know as well ( and given how they reacted to salem being immortal saying it was pointless it shows ozpin was right in keeping salems immortality a secret   the entire reason they kept salem a secret was to prevent the loss of morale ,feeling it was pointless etc  )(not to mention yangs hypocrisy 2/2

Anonymous said to yangingaround:

I am sick of the whole oz kept secrets so we cant trust anything he says ignoring that team rwby have kept secrets and told lies many times and they like to pretend its different when its not . ozpin isnt at fault for summers death her dying on a mission is not oz’s fault . ( oz protected humanity  this attempt to paint oz as a manipulator or like dumbledore   or taking away peoples choices ( check itsclydebitches tumblr she made a post on that )  is bs ( and salem always blames other people ½

Anonymous said to yangingaround:

for her actions like going the deaths of the people who fought against her are somehow oz’s fault  or claiming ozpin is a coward for going away after just seeing the worst moments of his life and his friends turning on him and what qrow did to him  he was stressed out  and needed to go back inside  giving qrow what he wanted   he was crying and the claim that this was cowardice is utter nonsense he needed to escape from the abuse  so he left the only way he could  2/2

Anonymous said to yangingaround:

also the claim that ozpin never tried to unite humanity is complete and utter bullshit his entire plan was to unite humanity and by rwby v1 he was close to achieving that goal  the closest he had ever been ( ozpin was the king of vale)

—

okay, briefly coming out of semi-retirement on here because this just dropped in

this was kinda the wrong blog to send this to, because none of the mods are on Oz’s side

but let’s start from the top:

Oz had no right to keep secrets when those secrets were endangering lives (keeping the fact that the relics attract Grimm put hundreds of innocent civilians in danger for no reason because the heroes weren’t prepared), and he was purposely leading the heroes to on a pointless suicide mission rather than be straight with them that he had no plan

on top of that, he’s millennia old, so the fact that he can’t get over his thousand year old hurt feelings is literally not anyone else’s fault but his own, and he’s endangering lives over it - he’s had multiple lifetimes to get over it, and it’s made clear from Jinn’s description of things that for the most part he just moped and did nothing

second, Ozpin is manipulative, we see that in how he interacts with Pyrrha, coercing her into becoming the Fall Maiden by taking advantage of her nature and ensuring it by presenting it as an ultimatum - “become the Fall Maiden or the bad guys win” isn’t a choice, no matter how many times Qrow and Ozpin insist otherwise

it’s not just the keeping secrets thing, though that is part of it (oh, and FYI, his claim that he only keeps secrets and lies because he’s been betrayed in the past? was a lie, the first thing he did when meeting Salem again after reincarnating was lie to her, and he had far less sympathetic reasons to lie to her than she did to him - she was afraid of being judged by the one good thing her life ever had, he was lying to her because the God of Light told him she couldn’t be trusted. and we have confirmation from the writers that the gods are heavily based on Greek mythology, and those gods were assholes), he’s manipulative for far more than that

(oh and maybe Lionheart betrayed Ozpin…. because Ozpin lied about the mission… and Lionheart got scared because he couldn’t trust Ozpin… wild concept but maybe Ozpin is the mastermind behind his own destruction)

and no, Ozpin wasn’t right to keep it secret, because they still found morale after that initial despair, but here’s the thing, if they’d known from the start, shit wouldn’t have hit the fan that hard - knowing how bad things are from the start is a lot better than thinking you’re in a better position than you really are; because when that truth comes out it’s a lot further to fall

Ozpin demands trust but never reciprocates and then acts hurt when he’s inevitably betrayed over it, that’s his fault, no one elses

and funny you should mention Yang’s ‘hypocrisy’ because that’s a brilliant sticking point that would have entirely made your argument if it wasn’t top of the line, absolute Grade A horseshit

Yang keeping a single secret about Raven over a very personal issue when that secret no longer has any value to the rest of the group (they already have the Relic and the Vault is already dead, the Spring Maiden no longer holds any value to Ozpin as Relic’s already out and Salem doesn’t have much reason to pursue Spring knowing that the Relic is out of the box) is not the same thing as Ozpin lying to the group by keeping information from them that could get them killed. so show me where the hypocrisy lies here because i’m not seeing it. acting like one small, harmless act is comparable to thousands of constant lies

when RWBY keep secrets, it’s because they have to, they never do it simply because and have never done anything to intentionally endanger lives while Ozpin does it without a thought

oh and here’s a shocker, by being the person sending Summer on mission, Ozpin was knowingly endangering her, so yes, he actually does hold some responsibility for her death - that’s how the chain of command works

and ‘Oz protected humanity’, interesting. did he? let’s see what Jinn has to say:

“Thus began a long and painful cycle of death and rebirth for Ozma.Some lives were spent in mourning, many were spent attempting to forget it all.”

yeah, sounds like to me, he spent most of his time running away from the problem, so his current behaviour is on brand, at least (also this scene reveals that he lied about the whole “i merge with the next guy i reincarnate into” thing because it’s made clear that until very recently he just suppressed them; and drank at least a couple to death, so add everyone he’s ever possessed to his body count - and the people he jumps into don’t have a choice but to get involved because he can take over whenever he likes)

and i’ve already addressed that he did take away people’s choices, because he doesn’t give them choices, don’t tell me to read someone else’s post and not argue the point yourself, i pay attention to the show, okay? i can understand what’s happening in it - Pyrrha, ultimatum. the rest of the gang after Yang and Weiss arrive, ultimatum (by not so subtly hinting at Raven’s cowardice as a negative quality they should shy away from). all the people he’s ever possessed, only recently did they even get autonomy and that’s only because he lets them have that. every student who has ever attended the four main combat academies - the entire premise of the schools is a false pretense. it’s not to train warriors to protect the world (hell, the very concept of Huntsmen and Huntresses being the sole defenders of the world is almost propaganda in quality because they’ve only been around for less than a century - humanity got on just fine without them before that), it’s so there’s an ever-rotating array of meatshields to protect his god-summoning paperweights. which puts the deaths of the likes of Gretchen Rainart on him too (as well as the fact that as Headmaster he has a duty of care and he tries brushing those deaths off like “they made their choice” which is a disturbing detachment from responsibility)

and yes, Ozpin is a coward for running away, because this is his fault, and he decides to hide himself away than deal with the consequences of his actions - he’s not a child, he’s not some scared little boy who needs his mommy to hold his hand - he is a millennia old asshole who is very much responsible for the mess everyone is in right now, or did you miss the part where Salem was peacefully holing herself away where no one could bother her? or that he was the only good thing in her life and by stabbing her in the back first by running away with the kids instead of talking to his wife when she got a liittle too edgy (which, by the way, wasn’t even her fault because the only reason she was like that by that point was because she’d tried to kill herself and didn’t know this result was a possibility, and that’s one slip after a near decade of happy marriage) and taking the first hope she’d had in so long away; of course she’d snap

that’s what Ozpin does, he builds people up on lies so they don’t know how far the drop really is - just because his goal is ostensibly noble doesn’t mean he is, especially when his actions are anything but

“needed to escape the abuse” holy shit. okay, this is a joke right? it’s a joke?

being called out on your bullshit is not abuse. people getting angry at you because you lied to them, manipulated them and were planning on letting them die for a cause that you know to be pointless is. not. abuse.

i don’t care if he was crying, that doesn’t mean anything - “oh look at the poor sad millennia old wizard, he’s upset that people are angry at him for the blood on his hands which he has no problem sticking his hands back into”

and i wouldn’t call what Oz did in the Great War ‘uniting’ humanity. considering what that amounted to was forcing the other reining monarchs to kneel to him after he beat them up (as well as the Queen of Vacuo, who was his ally), dismantled their power structures to replace it with the council system (and destroying any remaining semblance of real governance that Vacuo had, leaving it a chaotic hell-pit wasteland) and built the schools (which were meant to not answer to any of the Kingdoms) as a front so he could stay in power and control across reincarnations

yeah, some unity - all that demonstrates was that he never really had a problem with the “beat people up to make them do what you want” plan he and Salem had the first time

Ozpin is a very old, very pathetic coward - he doesn’t learn from his mistakes, he repeats them over and over again then acts like it’s someone else’s fault. he refuses to trust people yet gets angry when they refuse to trust him, he lies to people constantly but tries to dodge out of it than take responsibility, when his secrets endanger the lives of others, instead of acting like a fucking adult and facing the consequences for his actions, for the god knows how many lives he has damaged, ruined, destroyed, how he willingly endangers lives rather than tell the truth for no good reason, he runs away and leaves everyone else to pick up his mess

he’s a coward and RWBY and the others have every right to call him on his bullshit. they’re a lot younger than him, they have more room for mistakes and growth

he’s had literally all the time in the world to be a better person, and all he’s become is a lying, weaselly coward

-Mod S

also, read the rules: