#and you need a moment to yourself but you arent alone because theres someone that will wiat outside beside you for as long as it takes

[nibbelraz]

Winter blues, but it won't last for long.

[sutherkins]

living on the same floor as peter and always brushing past him in the hallway…one day ur doing laundry and only ur sexy lingerie that you literally never get to wear is clean and you walk past him and hes holding his own clean laundry walking back to his apartment. when ur cleaning ur like oh damn i need to wash the clothes im wearing and ur like well fuck ill have to be half naked if i wash them rn but u dont want to make another trip so you lock the door to the room and strip until ur just in the lingerie and ur playing games on ur phone while ur laundry is going but at some point theres a knock on the door and you jump and your phone falls on the ground. you realize when you go to pick it up that you’re literally in your underwear and have nothing to cover yourself with. you rush to the door making sure it stays locked and ask who it is. “uh, peter from four two three”. ur like “oh christ” because its the hot guy who lives a couple doors down from you that you always walk past in the hall and your forehead leans forward to hit the door because of course out of everyone it could be outside the door it just had to be him. peters like “are you okay?” and ur like “well to be completely honest im only in my underwear and my laundry still isnt done and i literally have nothing to cover myself with”. peter laughs and ur like “its not funny you jackass!” but peter tells you he isnt laughing at you. hes laughing because he was just doing laundry and he thinks he left something in the dryer. you’re a little 🤔 cause why does that matter? you even ask him so. he tells you “well, i was coming to get it but seeing as how you clearly need it more you can borrow it until your laundry is done”. u ask him what it is and its just a pair of sweats but ur like its better than nothing so u ask him if hes sure its okay for you to borrow them and hes like of course its okay im the one who offered. so u put em on and they feel so warm from just being in the dryer and ur like “these are awesome!” because “are mens sweatpants made differently? these are so much more comfortable than mine.” peter starts to laugh and immediately stops when you abruptly unlock and open the door and he almost falls on you but catches himself on the doorway and for a moment he was basically face to face with ur chest in the sexiest bra u own and whipped his body back up so fast because oh my god its the pretty girl from down the hall and you’re literally wearing his clothes and a red lacey bra and he’s suddenly wondering of the bottom half matches the top. ur looking at him like you know he looked at your chest and its because you do. most guys do it and have been for years so it doesnt surprise you anymore. what does surprise you is how nervous he looks. you may have a big chest but you’ve never thought you were intimidating, let alone pretty enough for anyone to be nervous around you. now You get nervous and cross your arms to cover yourself.

“thanks for letting me borrow these. i promise i’ll wash and return them.”

“don’t worry about it” he thinks about telling you that you can keep them but worries thats too weird to say since neither of you have really ever talked so instead he asks if you wanna borrow his sweatshirt just in case others end up showing up in the laundry room. as nervous as you are about wearing even more of his clothes you’d rather be nervous about that than having others in your building see you in just sweats a a bra, especially the one you were wearing. so you agree and while hes taking it off the shirt hes wearing underneath rides up a bit and you see some skin 👀 no ones ever been this nice to you especially someone this attractive and you’re actually really grateful to put on the sweatshirt and be fully covered again. when its on you repeat what you said earlier about mens clothes being more comfortable than womens and that even your comfiest sweatshirts arent as nice as his. peter blushes from your words and also from seeing you head to toe in his clothes. you’re still marveling at how much better it feels and peter just smiles sooo wide. “thanks for this, peter. im sure this isnt how you planned your trip to the laundry room going but i appreciate it anyways” peter tells you its really no problem and that hes happy to help. he ends up leaving to go back to his place while you stay and wait for your laundry (you don’t need to stay, but its a nice excuse to get out of your apartment for a little bit). when you’re done you dont take off peters clothes and load your basket with your now clean clothes and make your way back to your floor. when youre walking down the hall to your door, peter just comes out of his place in his work attire, a black suit, and your heart starts racing because he looks so so good and you’re still wearing the clothes he let you borrow even though you’re carrying a basket full of clean clothes that actually belong to you. you smile and tell him you’ll return his clothes tomorrow. he smirks but like the happy smiley kind because shes still wearing my clothes!!! and says “see ya tomorrow.”

[notthestarwar]

For your WIP folder…. Omg it’s so hard to choose. Wonder Soldier AU with Kix?

thank you so much for the ask!!!

omg. this is the one im currently rotating in my brain. im SO VERY obsessed with it.

(im going to ramble so badly here lol pls dont feel you have to read it all but im VERY excited by this au)

ok so. ive been rereading the winter soldier comics. starting from the first reveal of him in captain america onwards. i feel like everyone knows about the 'who the hell is bucky scene' which is a real heartstopper but omg. there are so many moments that didnt make it in to the films. theres just so much feeling there and i see a huge paralell between a lot of stuff bucky goes through and the clones origin.

i'd seen winter soldier au's with various clones before, but there was always something missing for me. on my reread of the comics i realised what it was. the being out of time. finding yourself in the future unexpectedly. having to adapt. getting used to being alone. and then realising you arent. realising that someone you failed to save is here. is still maybe capable of being saved. is such a huge part for me. thats the driver of so much emotion.

and i realised that there IS a part of star wars that makes me feel kinda similar. Kix's story. Kix finds himself waking up in a galaxy that has moved on. theres no room for him anymore. he was once a part of something, but now he isnt. he's never been alone before, but now he is, without question. he is the last of his kind. and after he finds out what happened, his identity as a medic is really threatened. his job was to heal his brothers, to save them. but when it mattered, he couldnt.

so then i started thinking. what would it be like for kix, facing this reckoning, having faced it for a while. finding himself a place in this new world, beginning to fight the first order. beginning to move on from something thats really quite impossible to ever truly move on from. what would it be like for him to face what steve rogers does in those comics?

for anyone that doesnt know, steve and buckys stories in the comics are slightly different. they are brought together because captain america needs a sidekick. they dont know each other before. and bucky is pretty much a kid at the time. he's 16. steve becomes like his older brother as they fight in ww2 with a superhero group called the invaders (pretty much like the avengers) against nazi superheroes and the like, unitil, just at the end of the war, they get captured. steve watches bucky being tortured, he cant stop it, and then when they escape, bucky sacrifices himself. the last thing steve sees before he gets frozen is bucky, just out of steves reach, unable to be saved after sacrificing himself for their cause. steve is awake in the ice in the comics. he has all those years to dwell on it, and when he gets out, the world has moved on and its far far too late to save anyone he knew.

buckys backstory has some real similarities with the clones. he grows up on a military camp, his dad dies when he's like 12 and he ends up staying as a kind of camp mascot. he grows up in the army. violence is every day for him. its all he knows. and when he gets recruited as captain americas sidekick. its all about the image. he is a propaganda tool. there to look like a kid so that other kids want to join up, but trained to be a killer. he is there to do the dirty work that captain america cant be seen doing. he's an assasin from the start. deadly efficient.

buckys return in the comics is delicious. it comes out of nowhere, to the reader and to steve rogers. he has been living in this new world and has accepted that noone will ever really understand him. anyone that survived ww2 looks at it with rose tinted glasses, but in a lot of ways to steve, he's still there. and then comes the winter soldier, a cold war relic, woken up to meet someone elses aims. in a lot of ways, it echos how steve has been working for america, putting out fire after fire, since he got out of the ice. the people around steve put the pieces together before he does and when they try and break it to him, he refuses to hear it. he wont look at their evidence. he simply cant. to know that not only could he not save this younger brother figure, but that while he was frozen, powerless, bucky was taken by the enemy and used in the worst kind of way. made to do things he never would have done (a big part of this is that bucky never would have worked against america. his patriotism was a huge part of his character thanks to his upbringing, which his handlers knew and found pretty funny. they used him to fight america because it was ironic). like omg. the paralells there! with the clones being raised to serve the republic, being raised to know nothing but loyalty because alll they knew was the military. and then having chips in their heads force them to do the last thing they ever would have done? again and again?

steve refuses to believe that its bucky. but we begin to see that he knows. he's just in denial. he fights the winter soldier and we have the 'who the hell is bucky moment' and then, his denial is shattered in the worst possible way. a dossier is delivered to him holding records from the winter soliders handlers from the start. he has to see the cold and impersonal documentation of the ppl that ripped his brother, his best friend, from death (from peace) so that he could be used against his country. he'd forgotten everything about who he was, all he had was the muscle memory of this fight. he could still fight. he was still a killer. these files document a kind of sick amusement from his handlers at his situation. his drs talk about him like he's an object for testing. (there are so many paralels here with the kamineese, palpatine, jango and how they treat the clones). worse than this. the files show that even without his memory, bucky fought them. during a mission in america he dropped off the radar, confused and lost, but trying to find something of himself. at this point they start wiping his memory after each mission and keeping him in stasis. he is no more than a tool. the whole thing is heart wretching. i know the movie version touched a lot of ppls hearts but. oh my god. it doesnt even touch the surface.

that feeling. those vibes. are the backbone of this au.

kix is beginning to move on. and then, the first order pull out the winter soldier. kix fights him and he's caught. because this stranger, decades after the last clone died, fights just like a clone. and against his will kix is just. pulled in. it feels like one last link to his brothers. he needs to know who trained this assasin. he needs to know more. this guy is like a ghost. the more he finds out the further he feels from any answers. what he finds. well none of it fits together. this guy has been doing this for decades. is he the first winter soldier? was he the one trained by a clone or was that his predecessor? his predecessors predecessor. kixs new war continues, as he investigates. this is simply a side quest. research to resolve his own curiosity.

and then, kix is fighting yet another battle. and in comes this guy. and as they fight, it gets to the point where its just kix and this assasin and the guys mask falls off. and he's a clone. and its an impossibility. its not something kix ever let himself imagine. how can there possibly be a clone here? how can he possibly be so young. he's hardly physically older than kix, in statis all these years, and the guy runs and kix is left. just. shellshocked. he goes back to his research. it doesnt make any sense.

time passes and kix realises who this winter soldier is. he knows him. not only that. he knows exactlly how they are controlling him. its the chips. the chips that kix was unable to save his brothers from. he woke up here and he thought it was too late for anything. his brothers long dead. him, unable to save any of them. he's a medic but he was not enough. yet. here is a chance. a chance at redemption. a brother, just one, that still needs saving. that kix has a chance of saving. and if he does. its someone that will understand. someone who knows what it is to be a clone. someone who knows what it is to wake up in a new galaxy, after years of stasis against your own will. its a chance.

the story deals with kix trying to face this. the whole thing is just like. emotional turmoil. he's given himself a impossible task. he's trying to save someone that does not want saving and very much wants to kill kix. in doing so he's having to face all this trauma and shit he had just accepted living with. and even worse. he gets to see a chipped clone in action. the lack of self preservation, the lack of control. kix gets to see what it would have been like for every one of their brothers. and he has to face that. its a journey thats kinda agonising. lots to face up to. lots to be dealt with. bad situation all round.

im so sorry for how long ive rambled but. oh my god im so utterly obsessed with this. its taken root in side me. the idea. the thought of them. gives me a feeling in my chest thats just. beyond words.

theres another post where i talk about it here also here

im just...screaming. the whole thing makes me want to scream and bite and never stop

ive yet to actually write anything that i can share loool cause ive just been chewing over the idea HOWEVER rest assured once i have something i'll be sharing it on here lol cause i need to yell about this au as much as possible

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hey so i have a kind of issue ive been pondering over for a while. i currently identify as a trans man, but for a while i thought i might be genderfluid and identified the two possible "genders" i switched between. i gave them names, ill call them s and k here. s was my more feminine gender, i used to describe them as my "girl" gender but now it makes me kind of uncomfortable identifying even partly as a girl. for a while, s used he/she/it pronouns. k uses he/him pronouns and is strictly masculine presenting. sometimes, i will feel like a mix of both "genders" and to be honest, it confuses me because more often than not they feel very distinct and separate, but weirdly similar at the same time? because, well, i usually think theyre both still me. but recently ive been wondering if they really are both me? if that makes any sense at all. because ive been thinking that the two "genders" might not be genders at all but instead like, separate personalities? because my interests change sometimes slightly and sometimes drastically when my "gender" changes, or sometimes i feel conflicted on what i *should* be interested in, if that makes sense? like both hypothetical interests are there, sure, but i feel confused on which one im supposed to like at the moment. and now that im really thinking about this, and typing it out, i have a feeling i might have some kind of plurality?? but im also scared that im getting way ahead of myself and jumping to conclusions, because the "genders" or "personalities" or whatever they are, people maybe, arent always so clearly distinct from one another? because i feel like if they are separate personalities than they both come from a singular base personality maybe? and theres also the issue that if they are two separate personalities or people, than I don't know which one is the real me.

sorry if this was like, really confusing. i just would really like some input on what you think this could be. if its not too much trouble, i hope this could be answered quickly because it's something thats really bothering me but if thats too much stress or whatnot, like you have other asks to get to first, than i totally understand and no pressure! thank you in advance

Hi anon,

It's fairly possible that you could be plural given the experiences you described. It's common for people who don't realize they are systems to experience their plurality in terms of shifting their gender, name, and pronouns, as well as their interests, likes, and dislikes. It's possible that the shifts could be different parts fronting, and it's also possible that the blending between them could be chalked up to blurriness or being cocon. It's understandable that the idea you may be plural could be causing some unease or uncertainty, even as to who you are personally, and please know that you're not alone.

However, as a nonprofessional and as someone who doesn't know you personally, it's not my place to say for certain whether or not you are plural. This could be something to explore further with the guidance or mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, ideally one who specializes in dissociative disorders and/or LGBT+ experiences. A therapist, especially one with these concentrations, could help you figure out whether this is to do with gender or if there's something more going on.

Please know that it's okay to explore your identity and discover who you truly are. Identity is a complex and personal journey, it can often fluctuate, and it can take time to understand ourselves fully. Remember to practice self-care, being gentle and patient with yourself along the way. You deserve the space and time to embrace and understand all parts of yourself.

Best of luck in getting to the bottom of this. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[gayspock]

andthats to say what. that cycle. theres nothing inside of methati can do or try to do that offers any satisfactionor peace. seek externally. theres noone there. youre alone because rightlyso nobody can connect with the empty huskand has no reason to wantto deal with you. cycle back. tryto cope with it. theres nothing to cope with any more. theresjust the reality of just penduluming back and forth.everything everyonesays just results in aj uststop it. just change this. the manyfacts about you thatyou keep triyng to change but never stop.does anyone elsehate themselves but hate themselvesso much fucking more eveyr day because. embarrassing moment! i feel like everyonejust says to just fucking. stop .it. but i cant fuckingdo it no matter how hard i try butnobdy believes youre trying because yourejust never going to be thething people keep saying is right like icant do it. does anyone feel crazy. and itsjust "yourenot trying hard enough" and i feel sickbecause i jsutfeel so worthless and i feelselfish i cant do it anymore no imnot strong theres likethis selfish bit ofmethat just wants to giveup and wants to beg someone to fuckigncare anyway in a way that isnt just pitying fucking bullshit andits like i know i cant dotthat but what does it even matter any more to just sit and fucking think about it what difference will i tever make to this and the other hollow fucking existence there is. something somethinggggg sit there and just wishit wasnt alwaysjust likethis why cant ijust ev anything else why cant i jsut exist andnot be alone itsnot fucking fair how easy it is because eveyroneelse just seems tocare about something or have someonewho cares and even iftheyre fucking brains blowing out depressed. theres still somefucking interest or someone whofucking lvoes them enough to check their fucking pulse. OH EVERYONEEE hassomething to live for . i dontknow. ifeel like ihave tofiorce myself to be afucking eprson. does anyone feel fucking tapped or WHAT like . fucking therewith the fucking crisis team again. like so why didnt you kill yourself. why arent youdead. there has to be SOMETHING. there isnt anything. oh my god there isnt anything. they dont believe it or else you'd be dead right. oh my god there isnt anything . your answer is meant to be theres something! haha! youre justbeing negative and purposefully FUCKING DOIFFICULT UIF YOU DOTN FUCKING SAY SOMETHING! butnobodys ever going to believeyou nobodys ever goingto like yu if youre honest becase as a person as abeing what is there butjsut a fucking trainwreckplease fuckign god og mygodddd all there is in this world is love just be yourself just do whart youlike i fucking dont know anyhting idontknow what that means i cant . fucking find anything to be there for i jsut want to shut italldown i dontttt KNOWWW BROOOO ive been going nuts again fucking trying to do anything to curb sel harm bullshit its more trouble than its fucking worth dealignwith it but fuckign goed i need to calm the fuck down bro

ehrm

you know thevery day self involved spiral rant etc etc here it comes. i odntknow. billionand one fucking messages of reinforcement that just dont help because none ever apply, all ever make me feel worse; most are usually insanely patronising as a result or just rub it in how littlethere is to live for cuz if therewas just one fucking thing mabye it wouldnt be like this. whatever and a bit.

i jsut feel so fucking emtpy. i dont fucking care about any of it. i dont know. at least somepeople have something they careabout. im alone. i dont know what to do. i dont have any interests. theres nothing ilike doing. theres nothing imgood at. even if idid try to survive what do ifucking spend my time doing. itjust all feels like a miserable fucking slog . nothings worth it. i feel fucking sick withmyslef all the time. i keep trying to find things. i just fucking tire myself out and get miserabel no matter the approach. i dont fucking know.

i think about dating apps andabout meeting new people. its likeidontknow how to talk about it any more. i feel so embarrassed. like itsnot just loneliness because im alone. but ialso know realisticlaly theres nothing for me to try and talkto people about . just basic questins like how do you spend your time. i dontfucking know. i just spend it trying to make it all fucking go away and i hate it. the onlyway i can fucking cope half the time is just trying to not think about it and thats the only fucking thing there is and idont rememberwhere any of the days have gone and ive spent so manyyears at this point in fucking limbo and i fucking resentevery second of it.

and theresalways fucking something. likesome corny fucker and im sorry for being mean but i cant fucking. ugh. like just let go~ just make ugly art~ just do things imPEErFeCtLy~andfeel it~ ^_^ ,. like dude i dont fucking feel anything ijsut fucking space out i cant connect with anyofit its like onehand in front of the fucking oteher i try to go out i reallyfucking do i try to dothings i fucking feel myself justmiserable there and just wanting to go homewhere no one can see me again ebcause ihate it and thatslike the fucking shameful thing its alwyas the like

yeah. yeah nobodylikes you because theres nothing to you. youre a fucking blank and emptyfucking husk of a person. why cant you just grow up and develop into something. i dontfucking know. i fucking hate all of it. im fucking miserable. im just fucking miserable and i thinkthats all i can be . and itsnot nice . its not nice. itsalways jsut sthut up stop being fucking miserable be better . likeyoudont think i treid that . i jsut burn out. i feel so fucking phony adn fake and sick iwth myself and i tfeel like everyone else can tell. i dontknow. i fuckinng wish i hadany fucking modicrum of fucking passion or lvoe or whatveer the fuck inmy body but i think im just a negative fucking space and its jsut draining and i hate living and its like i wish i coudl bepropeely like toxic or there as soemthing genuinely fucking rancid and its jsut fucking seepsinto everything and i cant conenct with anyhting and i jsut

you know like itsreally embarrassing and dumb actually like how areyou so uncultured howhave you not read this seen this watched this done thais hadthis whatveerhtis i force it down my throat somethingsomething try to bea fucking human for once i feel like im crying all the fucking time lets pretend i gaffff for some approvalthat never comesbecause i cant feel itmyself no matterhow hard i trryyyyy but what but what god i dontknow i fucking

its likestupid shit likeart. god i fucking hated drawing i fucking hated writing i fucking hated singing when iw as younger i fucking hated school i fucking hate sports i fucking hate spending time withpeople i fucking hate being alone i fucking hate eveyrthing every time ifucking do anything i just want to smash it up because i hate it i wish i fucking didnt i jsut fucking hate every fucking singel second of being fucking alive what is theretolive for why wouldyou want that why wuld you fucking bother and the only fucking solution peopleowuld ever suggest is. dont hate it. just dont. but thatshwat i do. i cantmake it stop i cant make it stop ifeel like im fucking running on fumes and fuckingjust forcing it so hard and everyones like HAHAHAHAAHAH JSUR FORCE IT! FORCE IT FO RUS! IT'LL HAPPEN EVENTUALLY!! YOU HAVENT DONE IT WNOUGH! YOU GAVENT FUCKING TRIED HARDENOUGH!!! and itdoesnt matteryoure alone and crying and fucking hateit even more in the end because its too fuckignhard to keep oding it and i cant i fucking cant care i cant fucking car eany more you do nothing but fucking zone out youexist in your own littlefucking world and try not to exist and nobodu would ever want that you dont want that is anyone crazzzzyyyyy i dont know why im alive i dont know why im alive so much i feel like itsjust never worth it its never been worht it imjsut desperate and uckign begging it for to notjust be this FUCKKK BROOOO LOL

[creacherkeeper]

im getting a little too in my family feels today and so INSTEAD of feeling those im just going to ramble for a second about why i fucking love paladin!aelwyn because. im. just like this i guess im coping leave me alone

cw for discussions of child abuse, maladaptive coping, drugs and alcohol, self harm, destructive tendencies, basically everything we see in canon and the implications

aelwyn is ... SO interesting to me because for as much of her interiority as we see, as much of her as we think we understand, as much as i could ramble about her character for hours, we know ALMOST NOTHING about her in actuality?? (besides ... one key thing)

(this is like 2k and probably incoherent someone please stop me)

okay. listen. almost everything we see aelwyn do in s1 is maladaptive rebellion against her parents and home life. the drinking, the drugs, the partying, perhaps some of kalvaxus (though i dont think we fully understand how much of that was forced on her as well, kalina WAS watching her when she was talking to adaine about it). you can say like, oh aelwyn is a party animal, she's impulsive, she makes risky decisions, she's bitchy and rude, and its like. okay but IS SHE ACTUALLY. because under her parents thumb she had an EXTREMELY limited amount of freedom, and usually when people are suffering from very little control over their life, they WILL act destructively over the tiny bit they can, either harming themselves or their environment or people lower than them in the pecking order, because in a way, that feels like a reclamation of autonomy. saying "you have so much power over me but can you stop me from hurting myself and destroying what you havent managed to claim yet?". its just like, kind of what human brains do and frequently has little to do with a persons actual personality or impulses, its just. desperate brains trying to control SOMETHING because autonomy is a fundamental human need and when thats taken away we get. very bad off. (this is one big reason eating disorders are SO common with abused kids.) so i think a lot of the s1 aelwyn we see is like. this is a very desperate, abused teenager "acting out" in the only way it is possibly somewhat safe for her to do so because, on a psychological level, the self destruction is weirdly the only emotional tether and its either this or just dissociate all the time (something we do see she has problems with in canon)

and yes, she did treat adaine horribly in s1. she fully did. obviously what we get in canon is what happens but a moment thats interesting to me is in episode 1 where adaine has attacked aelwyn several times, who either does nothing or just bounces it back, when she says "i never cast spells at you" and siobhan immediately retcons it and says "yes you do, all the time" (i havent gone back and watched this bit so i might be wording this wrong). obviously its an improv show and the canon is built between performers as they go, but that was interesting to me. that brennan hadnt intended for her to have fought back in that way. she definitely feeds into the emotional abuse from their parents and participates in all the toxicity there, but we know in canon that she did that because of overwhelming fear and self preservation. and that her self hatred because of it just fed back into the cycle and made her feel like she wasnt good enough to even try to break free from it. this is very common in golden child/scapegoat sibling relationships where the golden child SEES what the parents are capable of and becomes a participant in the abuse out of fear for their own standing. in any way siding with the scapegoat child not only directs abuse at themselves as well, but frequently makes things WORSE for the scapegoat because the parents will take out the challenge to their power on them even more. so, if aelwyn DID ever try to defend or help adaine when they were small, she would have VERY QUICKLY learned that made things worse for everyone. and just. sectioned that part of her brain off, as she's done with so many other things. (and i dont think im reading too much into the forest scene with the abernants to say their parents were VERY QUICK to turn abuse towards aelwyn if she stepped out of line even a little. like, you dont flinch when a hand moves unless. you know. dont need to say it just something to think about. as far as we saw in canon, she had done everything they asked of her leading up to the forest, and we DONT KNOW what happened in it but we do know brennan specifically called out how in broken spirits she was when adaine was summoned, even though they did the ritual to avoid all of the nightmare bullshit)

(the house party is literally a whole separate post but i think its fair to point out that 1) she was super under the influence when that was happening which DEFINITELY is in no way an excuse for her behavior but worth remembering when trying to analyze that 2) her losing that fight did canonically have DRASTIC consequences for her and even if she didnt know exactly how that was going to turn out, i think she knew how bad it might be. and she did not know adaine or any of the bad kids were going to be there in the first place)

all that said, it feels in some ways counterproductive to say that aelwyn is an extremely devoted and protective person (yes we're getting to the paladin shit i know i've been rambling a while) but i think that thats strangely ALL WE ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT HER. because we've established that her self-destructive and abusive behavior in s1 is almost entirely psychologically scripted for her by her parents, we dont know how much of her villain shit in s1 was LITERALLY UNDER THREAT OF DEATH because we know at least killing the oracle was and we dont know how much of the rest of it was mandated by either her parents or kalina other than that she probably was under orders not to tell adaine the truth, and we know participating in all of this caused extreme self loathing in her that she refused to show to anybody and was too terrified to act on in any way

so, like. what does that actually leave us?

here's what we do know about aelwyn:

- of all the schools of magic, she went into abjuration

- the entire bbeg plan from season 1 hinged on aelwyn's complete faith that her level 1 sister was the most prodigious diviner in the world

- right after (?) the house party, she locked her memories where only adaine could find it with a note basically saying "theres so much bad blood between us but i know only you could find this"

- she desperately wanted to protect adaine and the fact that she was too afraid to do so made her hate herself (and her knowing that adaine now knows this is the turning point in their relationship)

- despite everything, even in the nmk forest, she still loved her parents

- the SECOND she is shown genuine love and affection and care from adaine, and adaine says whatever you do, i am here with you, all her actions from there forward are just about protecting adaine from their father, very nearly at the cost of her own life

- with what she probably thought were her last words (and would have been if adaine hadnt given her the tincture), all she wanted to communicate was how to help adaine and the bad kids, and how despite everything she had always believed in her

- at five levels of exhaustion, unconscious, she used her first spell slot after nine months of torture to build a shield around adaine

NOW we get to paladin!aelwyn. because, once everything is stripped away, the abuse and the control and the maladaption and the threats and the torture, EVERYTHING we ACTUALLY can glean about aelwyn's personality and inner core is that she's protective and devoted. and of course classes arent locked by personality, but that just screams paladin to me. its her WHOLE THING. adaine even says "wizards dont have heals, we dont care about other people" and of COURSE that isnt true for either of them, but? mechanically? aelwyn chose the wizard school that DID let her protect, and DID let her help, but i dont think, at this point, going forward, thats really going to be enough for her (and we could also talk about the parallels between them, how often adaine uses her portents to help other people)

i think a lot of the different reads on aelwyn come from this fundamental disconnect between her actions and displayed personality vs who she actually is and what she actually wants. and i think there are very different interpretations of what thats going to look like for her going forward. but i think, for a girl who's most hated characteristic about herself was her self preservation at the detriment of others, her perceived selfishness, and her fear ... isn't choosing to be braver and more selfless and more protective and shedding that self-preserving instinct for the betterment of others ... and MECHANICALLY being able to act on all those things ... the logical next step? i think its going to be a LONG TIME before aelwyn can love herself, but what other way is there to try? if adaine loves her, and adaine believes she can be better, isnt being better because she trusts adaine kind of a form of self love? saying, i dont believe in myself, but i believe in the person who believes in me, and maybe, in a roundabout way, thats the same thing. she was never able to TRY to be better before, because trying to improve even a little, even when people arent watching, when a harmful force has so much power over you and your actions ... like, the mental dissonance is honestly TOO much to even try, thats WAY more terrifying than letting yourself be bad, to the point where thats psychologically impossible for a lot of people. but now she actually has space and freedom and CHOICE and she CAN embrace the instincts she always had to shove down, she CAN be the person she knows her sister needed her to be

i dont know, i think theres an inherent love letter to yourself in wanting to be better and wanting to improve, even if you justify it by saying its for someone else. and now aelwyn actually CAN improve, and thats probably going to be extremely awkward and scary and there will be set backs and backslides for sure. but. i dont know. i think she wants to make up for lost time. because she never wanted the time to be lost in the first place. and if a protector is who she always wanted to be, whats stopping her from being that now?

[tomdiddlyumptious]

Hey! Ive been feeling a bit in the muds so could you do like and old type of fanfic...like a mob!tom on a retro phone just sweet talking the reader?

Only if your requests are open tho. I dont wanna be a burden

Aw baby you could never EVER be a burdon. Dont ever be shy to talk to me because im always here babe.

T.H| What a Sweetheart

Summary: 👺👺👺

Warnings: ah just some fluff- i went overboard i hope your okay with that-

A/n: I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER- HERE ILL POST A WEIRD VIDEO FOR YOU

There you sat. The baby pink everywhere as you laid on your stomach rocking your feet and reading a book, sucking on your lolipop

Ring Ring, Ring Ring

A smile and a giggle brought to your lips, sitting up and crawling to the old pink retro phone you answered, curling the wire around your fingers with the other hand holding the pop.

“Hey babyface” “hi tommy” he also laid there, in the darkness as he starred at the empty wall, shirtless and pantless, just in his boxers and in his socks rubbing his stomach and wanting to listen to your voice.

“I missed you” you laughed at his words “i missed ya to tommy” “i miss your voice...that pretty face of yours” “well i cant come see you, daddy stays at home now and he needs my help” “i dont need your help princess” you giggled at his joke “not youuuu, my real daddy”

“Mhmm princess, well what are you wearing?” You looked down at yourself then squealed “well i just got this fuzzy pink robe! Its so cute!” He chuckles and shifted in his spot. “Are you tired dollface?” Your lips go to the side for a moment, thinking before speaking.

“Kind of” “well, can i talk you to sleep” he desperately asked, biting his lip waiting for an answer. “Yeah let me go turn off the lights” you muttered, putting the phone down before getting up and walking to your door to switch the light off.

When you came back to your large bed you cleaned everything up and tom waited patiently, humming some songs to himself before you came back.

“Alright, what dya’ got for me” you asked, laying down on your side and holding onto the phone. “I just wanted to praise you bunny. Tell you how beautiful you are and how much i love you. How you speak and walk....your just everything for me ya know?”

“Really?” You said, your voice shrinking. “Of course baby, you deserve the whole wide world, do you know that? I feel like you should just sit on a cloud because your too good for this earth”

You sighed “thank you, but whats going on with you?” He bit his lip before answering, sitting up against the headboard “uhm, this job has been so stressful lately, i havent seen my family at all. I havent seen you- i just feel alone...”

“Oh...well i can ask my daddy to drop me off” you suggested. “No you dont have to, i only wanted to hear that sweet sweet voice” he chuckled, his head hanging low as he thought about what to buy you next.

“Im still listening!” You perked up making him laugh “i know you are princess, just lay down yeah? All ears for me?” “Got it tommy” “you ready?” “Mhm”

“I wanna buy you everything and more because your such a good girl for me, i wanna pleasure you in any and every way possible because you deserve it” “really? Give me some examples” “i dont know....rub your feet?” You both shared a small laugh “i know youve been wanting that fox fur coat..”

“I would fucking kill for that coat” “your daddy hasnt bought it for you yet?” He asked, a smirk on his face. “No, i havent asked at all” “whys that baby girl?”

You sighed before answering “because hes been so hard on me...hes getting old and-“ “you dont have to finish baby i know, i just wish we could all get together and be happy” “why cant we?” You asked rather innocently.

“Well...your daddy doesnt like my dad, and my dad doesnt like yours so we just continue to clash and fued” he wiped his eye. “Thats no fun, maybe i can talk to him” “what are you gonna say? That we are in love together and we wanna get married?” He sarcastically chuckled and your eyebrows furrowed.

“Well do you?” You asked. “Yeah doll...i do. Why dont we just run away and kill everyone in our path”

He didnt know why he was suggesting it. He in one of the biggest mobs and hes held responsible as one of the main people in the family, aside from you and yours. He really isnt the one for violence but he just wants at least a break of peace.

“Daddy wouldn’t like that” you shook your head. “I know, i just really miss you pretty girl” “i miss you to tom- thats why i wanna see you-“ “no itll just put you in danger! Stay home y/n” “what if i dont want to!”

“Then you cant come here. Im sorry!” “I dont care, bye-“ “wait-“ before he could finish you hung up the phone, dropping it back on its place before getting up and putting on your slippers and walking to the kitchen, finding your father eating.

“Daddy no carbs!” “Honey its 9 o’clock, give me a break” he glared at you, eating the piece of buttered bread. “Well i have a questionnnn” you distanced off, the slippers making a noise while you walked to the counter where your father was at. “Hm?” He groaned looking at you. “Dont get mad at me! Promise!” You said, holding up your hand and tilting your head at him.

“Spit it out y/n” “okay okay- can you pretty please talk to the hollands-“ he choked on the piece of bread “daddy!” You run up to him, aggressively patting his back. “Okay okay- im done! But you said what?” He looked at you with his eyebrows furrowed.

“The....hollands” you muttered looking away from him. “We have been against each othet for generations! And what makes you want to speak and collaborate with them” “daddy...theres this-“ “oh fuck off! Please dont tell me-“ you only nodded. “A white man?” “Daddy!” “What? Im being honest!”

“Whens the next meeting!” You asked. “In a week”

This is your first time ever coming to one of the meetings, and you were afraid. Your mob color is a dark brown so you wore it...daddy refused to let you wear anything too revealing because these men are dirty.

“Cover yourself!” “What are you talking about!” “Y/n.” “Finnneeee!” You stomped back to your room and your dad gifted you a tuxedo, so you wore it...

“Seeeeee you look great! Your grandfather would be so proud of you” news flash. All the women in the family ran away or whatever, they didnt know what they were getting their sleves into.

“Can we just leave”

Clank clank clank clank

You walked behind your dad and his close partners followed behind you, protecting you from toms family.

“You do not speak. You hear me y/n. Just sit down and listen” “yeah” you were nervous, ver nervous. So when you stepped in and seen absolutely no women at the tables you panicked. But when you made eye contact with tom you almost shit yourself.

He eyed you from afar, wondering why you were here. Why are you putting yourself in danger.

As everyone talked you sat there bored until someone made a comment about you. “Why is she here? Shes a beaut” he snickers, others laughing to.

Your dad stood “talk about my daughter again and i will kill you, understood?” He snapped, shrinking the man down to size. “Honey get out of here” he smiled at you and you stood, one of his friends pat coming with you outside.

“Why did you come here?” He asked, offering a cigarette but you declined. “I just wanted to see what its like” “no dont lie to me dollface, i know you were eyeing that boy” you side eyed him before groaning “is it obvious!” He laughed and took out his lighter.

“Very” “i dont like him” “well he likes you” he took a puff and put the lighter back in his front pocket. “How can you tell” you leaned up against the wall and crossed your arms. “He was only looking at you” he smiled, you smacked your lips. “You have em wrapped on your finger, you should take advantage of that”

“Well i dont wanna hurt people like you!” You whisper yelled. “Its business baby, has been for years” he shrugged. “Well maybe i can change it” “eh, it’s possible” he shrugged “but it aint easy”

You both heard the door get pushed open aggressively and turned around, seeing tom walking up to you. “Woah woah woah, slow your roll” pat said, stepping infront of you. “Can i just talk to her- give me like 20 minutes” “why should i do that” pat dropped the cigarette and stepped on it.

“Because i want to talk to her- if i dont make it back it twenty minutes i swear ill give you everything i have” “i dont want anything, y/n do you wanna go” pat looked back at you. You harshly swallowed before nodding your head, pat stepped aside and tom smiled, pulling your hand and tugging you to run with him.

“Baby” he said out of breath, both of you ran to the trunk of his car. “Y-yes tommy?” “I got you a gift” “what is it!” You perked up and he giggled “something youll never forget” he pulled out his key and opened the trunk, a large gift box with a pink bow on it. “Do you love me y/n?” He asked, looking at you.

“Yeah...i really do” you smiled and bit your lip nodding. “Open it” he muttered, you nervously took the bow out, slowly opening the top of the box “tommy i dont know...” “dont be scared! Open it!!” He edged you on.

Suddenly it started to sprinkle, soon turning into some heavy rain. “Y/n hurry up before you get a cold!” He said sternly and you did, a gasp left your lips as you raised the coat. “You bought it for me” you whispered and he nodded, he took the coat to put it on you, when you were finished your pressed your lips on his roughly, his hands hooking behind your knees to lift you up and put yout legs around his hips.

“I. Love. You. So. Much” you said between kisses. “I know princess, just know id kill for you if i had to” “i would too tommy, i would too” he smiled and pressed his forehead against yours, the rain coming down making your hair frizzy but he could care less, he loved you. “I wish we could be like this forever” you whispered against his lips before kissing him again. “We can baby, I promise” “how tommy?” You rubbed your nose against his “running away” “tommy i cant, you know this-“ “but arent you tired doll, it would just be me and you” he muttered, pinching your legs some.

You bit your lip before pressing a kiss on his lips. “Okay” “really?!” He smiled “yeah yeah lets go!” He carefully dropped you and slammed the trunk closed, he unlocked the car and you both hopped in, on the road you both go.

“I dont have any clothes!” “I can buy you everything you want and more princess, dont worry. Andddd letters. You always write your father some letters pretty girl” he smiled at you.

“Love you” “love you too”

[om-headcanon]

Hi!! For the ✨sad✨ headcanons, how would the demon brothers cope with/take care of an MC with BPD? It's a really difficult for some people to take care of due to the crises and intense mood swings we go through. Have a lovely day/evening 💕

hi hi hi! im excited to receive my first request!! ^^ to be quite honest im not //super familiar with bpd so i dont know the depths of it, but i made sure to do some more research before hand and i hope i did well!! (if not just lmk and ill fix anything!) i hope youre having a lovely day/evening as well :D

lucifer:

when he went through your file before you arrived, he saw that you had bpd

he went to barbatos to ask if he knew anything about the disorder, and he gave him a brief synopsis of what bpd was

he wants nothing more than to be a good host and tries his best to understand

lucys too prideful to ask questions to you directly, but that doesnt mean he doesnt care!

he finds as many books as he can about human mental disorders and reads up in his free time

every day he asks you if youre alright with little to no explanation why hes asking

if he happens to catch you during one of your mood swings, he doesnt say much but just stays by your side

if he has work to do he will bring it into the room youre in so he can work by your side

(if he doesnt have work he will literally just sit next to you or climb into your bed with you)

mammon:

hes never been too vocal about how he feels about you, but then once he hears about your fear of abandonment, he constantly reiterates hes never going anywhere

(maybe too much)

all eight of you can be eating dinner and he will just recite an entire monologue about how thankful he is to have you around

and everyone else would agree of course

if the others didnt know about your bpd, they may wonder why he does this

but regardless they all join in and share things they love about you

to say hes clingy is an understatement... but he also wants you to know if you ever feel like hes around too much he will leave you alone

he just really wants to help in any way he can and he never wants to hurt you nor have you think for a second he doesnt love and care about you

leviathan:

the moment he finds out, he takes some time to do research himself

immediately after he realises you prefer to not be alone, he never leaves your side

to be honest, he hates being alone too but he is also pretty anxious when it comes to asking people to hang out with him!

but its different with you!

hes always right beside you when your mood swings cause you to feel extremely low

he doesnt know exactly what to say and he may ask lucy what he would do when someone he cares about is feeling sad

lucifer tells him the best thing you can do is be by their side and levi does exactly that

sometimes he will even go as far as offering to leave the house and get you ice cream just to show he cares

satan:

of course he has read up on this before, but still continues to ask you questions as hes never met anyone with bpd and wants to be as understanding as possible

while he has periods of intense anger, he realises that you also experience mood swings, so he tries to be more aware of his anger

he really doesnt want to counter your anger with his own as he realises that might be counterproductive

he read something online once about how pets can help with bpd

when lucifer said no to getting a cat, he decided that he would take you to a cat cafe!

...every single time youre upset!

if youre allergic he will just pout about it but then make you watch cat videos on the couch while he cuddles with you

asmodeus:

as much as he would love to be around you all the time, he still wants to give you your space

but the moment he hears that a common symptom of bpd is fearing abandonment, he fears that him being away from you made you think he doesnt like being with you

similarly to mammon, he counters this by staying around you more

he does research on his own as well to make sure he understands you to the best he can

but mostly, asmo very much acknowledges the importance of communication

unlike most of his brothers who would be too prideful or embarassed to ask, asmo asks you directly how he can support you the best

if you want the others to know but dont feel like telling them personally, asmo will relay the information!

he acknowledges that up until this point, your life may have been extremely difficult because of your bpd and now all he wants to do is make your life easier

beelzebub:

he honestly doesnt understand at first!

when he sees you have your first mood swing he just assumes youre really hungry

he immediately heads to the kitchen and works to make your favorite food

asmo comes in and explains what bpd is, and explains youre not just acting out due to hunger

beel is kinda upset with himself that he didnt know about this and he wishes he knew so he couldve understood you better

he still brings you the food of course

but then he decides to sit with you as maybe what you need the most at that time is for someone to stay by your side

he offers you hugs but isnt offended if you say no

when youre feeling back to yourself again you try to apologize but he tells you that theres nothing to worry about and hes always here for you

belphegor:

firm believer of ~sleep is the best medicine~

when he notices your first mood swing he suggests that you should just take a nap

once you wake up and he notices youre not that different, he decides to ask some questions

after you say that you have bpd, hes very curious has a lot of questions

hes never met anyone with bpd so he inquires how does it affect your day to day life and what exactly is it?

you tell him a few of the common symptoms like the mood swings, the feelings of emptiness, and the fear of abandonment

he apologizes if anything he has done was insensitive or if he hurt you in any way

he often asks if theres anything he can do to make you feel better whenever you seem even a little different

hes not the best with comforting you with words so on nights youre at your lowest, he invites you to watch the stars with him so that you arent alone

(sorry this took so long i took all day writing this :0 do tell me how i did! if you believe anything was worded poorly or incorrect do let me know! ^^)

[vynefiendfyre]

ℍ𝕆𝕎 𝕋ℍ𝔼 𝔹𝕃𝔸ℂ𝕂 𝔸ℝ𝕄𝕐 𝕎𝕆𝕌𝕃𝔻 ℝ𝔼𝔸ℂ𝕋 𝕋𝕆 𝕐𝕆𝕌 ℙ𝔸𝕊𝕊𝕀ℕ𝔾 𝕆𝕌𝕋 𝔽ℝ𝕆𝕄 𝔼𝕏ℍ𝔸𝕌𝕊𝕋𝕀𝕆ℕ

Ray • he probably wouldnt notice • I'm sorry • slap him • he'd be too busy with his duties to notice you wobbling around • he would notice your shaking but just think it was his imagination since hes pretty exhausted too • that is until you set his tea down and then disappear in front of his desk • he calls out your name a couple times before standing up from behind the Mountain of paperwork • "Y/N? Y/N?" He calls before going around his desk and finding you in a heap of skin and muscle • "oh shi-" he covers his mouth and rushes over to you • "wake up, come on..." he mumbles, trying to get to to wake up • when you dont, he drags you to his room and sets you on his bed • he assigns a lower ranked member to watch over you and make sure you dont get out of bed • will force you back even if he has to physically restrain you • he'd try to cook something for you because he's a worried boyfie • almost burns the building down • sets the oven on fire • he also makes luka panic • got banned from the kitchen by luka • got banned from touching hot things from sirius • he cant really take a day off so he just checks in on you periodically when he has a couple minutes • luka has to make him tea now • honestly wouldnt make you do crap for the next couple days • just worries about you a lot "No more kitchen." Sirius and Luka collectively agree on that. "Fine... No more kitchen." Ray pouts softly as he goes up the stairs. He knocks on the door to his room to make sure he doesnt startle you and closes the door behind him. He sits on the edge of your bed and sighs. "I tried to make some food for you but I messed it up and now I'm banned from the kitchen." You sit up and chuckle, shaking your head slightly. "You know you can't cook, silly." He blushes and scratches the back of his head. "I just worry that you arent eating enough sometimes and I wanted to do something nice for you." "You being here for me, although I could get up since it's already been two days, is enough for me. Thank you though." You open your arms for him and he slides in, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you close. Sirius • wouldnt notice either • too busy • slap him pt.2 • doesnt even notice you're shaking • just thinks its normal and goes on with his day • it isnt until he goes to take care of his horse and he finds you face down in the dirt mixed with horse poo • it stinks • he low key screams loud enough the whole building can hear it • luka, seth, and fenrir come running out • he picks you up like you're a moldy cloth and takes you inside • the rest are low key laughing at his face but are worried about you • he doesn't let your feet touch the ground the whole time • puts you in your bed after putting down a towel • you wake up and freak out then realise you're in your room • "wash yourself off" • "but I cant" • "why cant you" • "sirius I cant move my arms" • *throws washcloth* • "suffer alone." • but the moment you fall asleep hes cleaning you off • you stink and he cant handle it • would worry • are they okay • are they eating • forces you to eat if you havent • would keep you in bed for like 2 weeks • worried about you constantly • kinda snaps because hes so worried • yells a lot but doesnt know it • assigns someone like luka or seth to take care of you • trust issues to the max • he most likely assigns luka because they can cook together and sirius can bring up your meal while luka cooks and after they're done sirius can put the stuff away and luka can look after you • would tie you to the bed if you dont want to stay in it • did I mention hes worried "You still smell like horse poo." Sirius sighs as he sits on the side of your bed with your portion of dinner on a plate. "It's because you wont let me get up and take a shower without someone watching me." You grumble, taking the plate and utensils. "I just don't want to find you face down in the horse stable again." "Then let me take a shower." "Fine... But I'm going to be

standing guard in case something happens." You blush a bit at the thought and rub his hand. "Stop being such a worry wart." You smile at him before beginning to eat. "I'm not worried." He adverts his gaze and looks down at his hands. "I-I'm gunna let you eat in peace." He stands and leaves. "He's so worried." You mumble with a fond smile. Luka • he's the most • um • blunt I guess • so he would notice the dark circles under your eyes or how you wobble around while baking and just blatantly ask you • "are you okay?" • if you answer yes, he knows something's off and hes going to get answer from you one way or another • unfortunately hes too late and he finds you passed out in the kitchen after going to grab something from the pantry • he'd panic at first and think you're dead • he'd rush over to you and try to shake you awake but you wont budge • low key starts to cry • big sigh of relief when you finally wake up • he'd hold you close and not let you go • he's strong so good luck getting out of his hug for a while • the food goes cold and you're like "Luka the food's gunna get cold." • he's like "I don't care I thought I lost you." and then blush because he didn't realise he said what he said and you started to laugh • "I wasnt gone forever." • "I know..." • cue more blushing • he'd make some food and tea for you to munch on after • he'd be really clingy and Stone would definitely notice and squeak at him in a teasing way • would pin you down to the bed if you tried to leave the next day • insists that you need rest and wont let you go until hes satisfied • sneaks back hugs and kisses to make sure you're feeling well • presses his lips against your forehead to check your temperature • hes amazing Arms wrap around your waist as you mix the batter for Ray's muffins. "Hey, Luka." You say, concentrating on mixing. "You feeling okay?" He presses his lips against your temple, pulling back before resting his forehead against the crook of your neck. "Yeah, what's up?" "Just makin' sure you're okay." His voice comes out muffled as he presses some kisses against your shoulder. "Luka, I have to finish these." You try to shake him off but he just holds you tighter and whines. "Nooooo." He groans before you slither out of his arms, his blushing face left for the world to see. "I need to get these in the oven and make the tea. I promise I'll hug you when I'm done. You can make the tea if you want." "Fine." He mutters and gets the stuff for the tea. Fenrir • this man • slap him pt. 3 • not really • but pls slap him • he wouldnt notice and he'd just be like "huh what's up?" if you seemed really tired • he'd probably have to listen to the queues of Ray or Seth to even get a thought that you're exhausted • honestly I wouldnt blame him though, he has a lot of stuff on his plate as the Ace • hes probably just as overworked as you are but hes too charismatic to show it • he thought that you'd get through it because you're tough but freaks out when you pass out on the way to Ray with his tea • he decided it would be best to walk you from the kitchen to Ray's office after Ray pretty much ordered him to • he would've done it anyway • boyfriend material smh • when you came crashing to the ground the last thing he was worried about was the tea • he panicked inside and cursed himself for not letting you rest enough • he'd resituate you so that your back is leaning on the wall as he cleans up the mess of the tea • I love him • he'd bring the tea to Ray before rushing back to you • you had woken up and were lowkey scared about how you ended up in that situation • he'd hug you really tight to hide the tears forming • hides in the crook of your neck • drags you into bed and makes you lay down with him • he'd take the next day off and coax you back into bed and cuddle with you • good luck getting away from him • he has an iron clad grip on your hips so you arent moving anywhere • would probably put you on his chest and wrap his arms

around you because that's how he feels most comfortable • would take the next day off too just to make sure you're okay before going back to his duties • would keep a close eye on you from then on "Babe, I'm fine." You say as you climb the stairs to Ray's room for the first time since you passed out. "I just want to make sure you don't pass out again." Fenrir says in his usual go-lucky voice. "But babe, I got a full nights rest last night." "I don't care, I'm still worrying about you." He rubs the back of his head. "You know, my duties as your boyfriend and the ace is to keep you safe from harm. And I failed to make sure you were doing okay, so I won't slip up again." He looks at his feet as you both turn to Ray's office. "Look at me, Fenrir." He locks eyes with you and you lean up to give him a peck on the lips. "I'll be fine." You nudge open the door with your foot before stepping in. Seth • girl good luck being exhausted around him • he'd notice immediately • would not let you go • files for a couple days off to releive stress • makes you go out no matter how much you object to it • takes you to a bakery since he knows you love to bake • let's you buy what you want and then buys for himself • drags you to a dress store to get a new outfit for you • he notices how you begin to get sluggish and let's you sit down while he brings dresses to you • panics when he sees you slumped over when he comes back with a cute white dress • thinks the red army did something and drops the dress to rush over to you • shakes you a bit until he realises you passed out • "you silly girl/boy... you should've told me if you were this tired..." he mutters to himself • puts the dress back and hoists you on his back • he walks through most of the central quarter with you on his back before you wake up • you're really confused as to what's happening and why theres so many people • and you're tall?? when did you grow? • then you see the blue hair of seth and realise you passed out • "sorry if I scared you..." you mumble in his ear so he can hear you • he just looks back and smiles and it says it's fine • he gets you back to the black army base with a little retaliation from you to set him down • he just keeps a strong grip on your thighs and keeps you held up no matter how much you squirm • he sets you down on his bed and settles in before you can leave, practically tying you to the bed and not letting you leave • insists you need your beauty sleep even though you dont think so • will make you sleep one way or another • takes at least 3 days off to make sure you get rest • would give you back hugs and kiss your neck or shoulders more often just to check up on you • super teasing about it • slap him pt. 4 • golden retriever bf • 10/10 would reccomend "Aliiiiiceee..." Seth whines in a high pitched voice. "What is it?" You ask over your shoulder from folding laundry. He wraps his arms around you and rests his head on top of yours. "How are you feeling today? Have you eaten?" You think for a moment before you realise you haven't slept in a while and you haven't eaten today. "Uh... no..." "Your bags say you haven't slept in a while either." He drags you to his bed and throws himself on top of you, making sure not to crush you. "Seth... I was in the middle of doing something..." "I don't care. Now sleep." He puts his hand over your eyes and flips over so you're on top of him, resting on his chest. His heartbeat is soothing and strong, indicating that this isn't a dream or hallucination, this is reality and you have such a wonderful lover. His hands are still wrapped around you and prevent you from moving, so you decide to just lay there. You drift off to sleep to the sound of his heartbeat and slowed breathes.

A/N This is a request from @Chaosangel767

hope you like it!!

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

[shhh-no-ones-home]

sapphires are a girls worst enemy ryan sitkowski x reader

+++++++++ Request from @ryansitkowskiswifey : "Can I request a Ryan Imagine? Maybe being jealous over him being around women?"

this was kind of vague and i just did the chris one like this so i changed a little bit but i hope its still good. i also wanted it to be the opposite of "diamonds are a girls best friends" by marilyn monroe because thats sort of what this idea sparked. hopefully its not too far off and i hope you enjoy!

Song: death is a party, invite all your friends by palaye royale

tag list: @cynic-spirit @alilpunkrock @svintsandghosts @theoneandonlykymberlee @thisplace-ishaunted @musicsexandpizza69

+++++++++

"damn, where you going dressed like that?"

i said gawking at ryan in his pressed suit. he looked at me confused as he pushed his cuff links into the sleeves.

"why arent you ready?"

he asked and i raised a brow.

"ready for what?"

"what do you mean ready for what? get up, come on or we'll be late."

he pulled me off the couch and pushed me down the hall to our bedroom, there laying on the bed was a deep blue cocktail dress.

"wait, ryan, seriously, what is this for?"

he looked confused again.

"didnt i tell you the party was tonight?"

i raised a brow and shook my head no.

"absolutely not, im pretty sure i wouldve remembered a party invite."

he thought for a second, one hand on his hip and the other scratching at his beard.

"i could have swore i told you. but whatever, you need to hurry up and get dressed or we're gonna be late."

he handed me the dress before leaving the room so i could get ready. i looked over it before quickly going to the bathroom and doing my makeup. when it was done i slipped on the dress and curled my hair, pinning it back and spraying it with hairspray. i sneezed, making myself laugh a little bit before waving my hand in the air to get rid of the fumes.

"bless you!"

i heard ryan call from our room. i opened the bathroom door and stepped out, taking a new pair of heels from him and slipping them on.

"where did you get all this stuff anyways?"

i said standing up straight and taking his hand.

"from a friend. he said we had better look nice for this party or dont come at all, so he came in clutch."

i nodded as we walked out to the car.

"right."

i said as he started it, taking my hand in his again and pulling out of the driveway.

---

when we got the party i was a bit surprised. id never been to something like this before, a valet helped me out of the car, offering me over to ryan as he handed him the keys. he pulled me to the door, flashing his invitation to the man at the door and granting us access to the large hotel lobby. we walked in slowly, being immediately met with lots of people standing around, drinking alcohol out of crystal glasses and swaying lightly to the overhead music as they chatted amongst themselves.

"ryan what the hell is this?"

i asked, him tightening his grip on my hand.

"its a party y/n, look we just need to be seen by the host and then we can go."

i shook my head, drawing my brows together.

"we just got here and you wanna leave already?"

he looked at me confused.

"you wanna stay?"

i shrugged as we walked across the room to the bar.

"how often do we get to go out like this? im wearing designer for fucks sake."

i got a few nasty looks from people we walked past at my choice of language.

"fine we can stay for a bit but you gotta be cool."

i raised a brow at him as he asked the bar tender for two drinks.

"me, not be cool? unheard of."

he laughed a little at me as he handed me one of the glasses.

"right."

i shook my head and took a drink.

"im cool. sometimes."

"sure."

he touched my arm lightly.

"hey, im gonna go find the bathroom, dont go anywhere."

i nodded, watching him walk away from me quickly. i sat at the bar, sipping my cocktail and people watching.

"and whats a beautiful young thing like yourself doing here all alone?"

i heard as a tall, serious looking man walking up to me, ordering a drink for himself.

"oh uh, im not alone, my boyfriend just went to do something."

he nodded.

"boyfriend, he must be the one i invited cause im sure i wouldve remembered a creature such as yourself on the guest list."

i laughed a little but to myself, feeling a little guilty at the blush creeping to my face.

"yeah, his name is ryan-"

he snapped and pointed at me.

"sitkowksi's plus one! of course! he did say you were an eye-full."

i smiled at the thought of him complimenting me as such to someone else.

"thats sweet of you to say."

he gently touched my hand, leaning further into the bar.

"well it is true, he also said you look best in sapphire, and looking at the dress i sent him id say he chose well."

i slid my hand slowly away from him, taking a sip of my own drink.

"thank you kindly, i was a bit surprised at his choice of outfit but am thankful for it nonetheless. it really is beautiful."

he reached forward to push my chin up, making me pull away form him, my gaze darting across the room. i saw ryan, talking to a small group of girls.

"just as beautiful as you sweetheart."

i was starting to get uncomfortable. and watching ryan from across the room made me uneasy, not only was he not with me to stop this mans relentless flirting he was starting to get touched by the girls talking to him. i watched as they giggled to themselves, the three women touching his arms and chest as they flirted with him. i was a bit frustrated to be honest. i tapped the bar lightly, looking back to the host.

"right, um, if youll excuse me."

he grabbed my arm as i stood off my bar stool.

"going so soon princess?"

i looked down at his hand before looking up at him sternly.

"wouldnt want to ruin this pretty dress."

i said harshly, pulling my arm away from his. he looked a little disgusted at what i was insinuating.

"of course."

i nodded before walking off in ryans direction. i was fuming now, how dare he try to take advantage of me like that, even knowing i had a boyfriend. and not only that but those women were still flirting with ryan. i walked up to the them and ryan looked down at me with pleading eyes.

"hes taken."

i said rather aggressively, grabbing his hand and pulling him away from them.

"and we're leaving."

i started pulling him towards the front door.

"wait, babe? i thought you said you wanted to stay. i didnt even get to talk to-"

"i did, hes a gem, lets go."

he stopped, spinning me around to face him.

"wait, is this cause of those girls? they were just asking about the band."

i scoffed at him.

"yes, the girls, of course."

i rolled my eyes at him.

"then what?"

"your generous host was trying to get in my pants,"

i poked his chest.

"knowing i was taken!"

he drew his brows together.

"really?"

i crossed my arms over my chest.

"the girls were just the tipping point. i was trapped at the bar alone with creeper-mcgee and you were over there flirting with the gaggle of idiots."

i looked down at the ground trying to not let my anger turn to tears. he ran his hand gently down my arm.

"im sorry y/n, i didnt mean to make you feel that way. if you really are uncomfortable we can leave."

i nodded, stepping into him and wrapping him in a hug.

"going so soon?"

i heard his voice again, the host. i tensed my body before looking up, not letting ryan go.

"uh yeah Gio, sorry, we would love to stay longer but y/n's sick."

he lied, looking down at me and rubbing my back reassuringly.  the man reached forward, moving to touch me face but ryan caught his hand.

"ill have the dress dry cleaned and sent back to your office."

he said, looking deeply at Gio. the man just looked over me.

"dont worry about it. A creature like this deserves to own nice things, she should keep it. after all, she does look stunning in sapphire."

i wanted to vomit.

"how kind."

ryan said annoyed, letting go of his hand.

"hopefully ill be seeing you again young thing. and i hope you feel better, if theres anything i can do dont hesitate to ask."

i nodded.

"thanks but at the moment id just like to lie down."

he bowed forward.

"then i wish you both a safe trip home."

i watched in horror as the three women who had been flirting with ryan flocked to Gio, hugging to him like leeches. maybe he was trying to break us up but who knows.

"thanks."

ryan said, unwrapping my arms from his torso and taking my hand in his.

"ill be in touch."

gio said as we turned to leave, walking out the door that was being held and going straight to the valet.

"i never wanna go back."

i said quietly to ryan and he nodded, kissing my forehead.

"and we never have to."

he said taking the keys from the valet as they pulled up. he held the door for me.

"id also like to get out of this designer death trap."

i said, desperate. he looked down at me, disappointment written on his face from the events of the night.

"Walmart and McDonald it is."

i smiled up at him.

"thanks baby."

he closed the door and i watched him intently as he jogged around the car, sliding into the driver side and taking my hand.

"comfort here we come."

[zephyr-94]

barista!jaemin

inspired by the one and only, puff live!

a/n: this is my first ever fic omg pls spare me with my low writing skills cause ive literally never done this fjskdjdhjdks okay i just love na jaemin periodt. (after writing: ITS VERY JUMPY AND LENGTHY I DIDNT PLAN TO MAKE IT LIKE THIS DJSKJSJSS)

so like your aunt owns a cafe which is in the middle of the city

and you live a lil outside just cause you know, school n shit

you visit her so often cause its a small cafe and it calms you down whenyou need a short break from everything

its weird thats its in the middle of the city but its still calming right?

well okay so like you know those small streets down the neighbourhoods?

the ones you dont really go unless you are rlly feeling adventurous n shit, your aunt’s cafe is in one of those streets

okay longass context down

and at school, you are in a photography club,,, or technically you just learn photography from your teacher after school but its not a whole club extravaganza

just cause your school kinda demands an extra curricular after the first year

but it feels really suffocating to be forced to do smth as a group/with people you arent as familiar with,,,,

so you “signed up” for the smallest club: [photography theory]

it was about time you start doing your hobby-ish thing at school and the tutor was cool with you being practically the only student in the club lmao so everything was going well but

youve never rlly done anything big yourself and your school friends havent pushed you to do smth either

so you were kind of looking to at least take part in one out-of-class project initiated by students maybe

and theres this big school newspaper club/writers’ club,,,, and you find out that they are like !! photographers & stories wanted !!

and you ?? at first but apparently its a project where like students get to submit their fav pic & write a mini article about “your place of comfort”

cause the topic of the month is mental health/dealing with stress and the newspaper club wants a students’ view on it, instead of just “meditation” as a topic

then you just have that cafe in your mind like,,, how you would love to shoot the street light shining into the cafe from afar and how calm that place makes you feel,,,

basically you just love your auntie’s cafe lmao

so then you go on about maybe joining it,,, but then you be indecisive cause youve never actually taken a photo professionally you just have a prolonging passion for it,,,

and your teacher is like ��y/n idk why you are contemplating no ones gonna judge you just try smth new, go take the chance if you are feeling like it”

we love a supportive johnny, oh yes your english teacher is your photography “club” tutor,,, self proclaimed club

actually there have been many opportunities in the past with taking photos for projects like this one but you just stayed away cause it didnt “motivate” you to take photos for it

so johnny’s words kinda pushed your back n you felt like this was the right thing :))

so then you visit your auntie on the weekends asking maybe if you can take pics & ask her a couple questions about this place

and shes like ofc!! wanna see how you capture this place :))

so then you do this whole process and you submit the article & photos,,,,,

which ends up getting a whole page???

and you are like wh a t

newspaper club: oh you submitted many such pretty pictures & your comment felt very genuine

and you :)) but damn a whole page,,,, you is a lil anxious djskdjdh now the entire schools now going to know you

johnny the hype man teacher: see i told you it was going to turn out nice

and then kaboom, your article lowkey blows up lmao

your auntie is calling you up like “y/n!! so many customers came today!! and a lot of them are wearing the same uniform as you, they must be the students from your school!!”

and shes so happy so you are happy af

but then you remember like,,,, shes never had a part timer,,,,,

and she continues to manage the place by herself after it gets popular among the students,,,,

?? auntie,,, you never take a break ??

shes like maybe ill think about hiring someone?? and you are like, that would be good for you :)) i will be less worried about your health!!

whoop guess who got hired

and after youve had that^ conv, you had constant classes n group projects n shit so you literally had no time,,,

two weeks later, kinda highkey stressed

you decide to go make a quick visit to auntie before going to the library to study

and you peek,,, to see not your auntie,,,,

but a boy?? 

just standing behind the counter,,, no auntie to be seen but a beautiful boy???

before the opening hours,,,, he?? must be the part timer,,,

and once he notices you by the door,

he just smiles at you,,, so brightly,,,,

wow youve never seen such a pretty face,,,

you actually like forget to open the door you are just staring from outside the cafe,,,,

and he just waves,,, and you snap back to reality like oh shit did i just stare at someone for a solid minute

welp that was embarrassing djkdjdfj

he opens the door for you and goes “hey you must be y/n :))”

“the only person who comes before 9am, thats you isnt it?”

and you just ?¿ confusion??¿

“auntie told me about it :)) hi, nice to meet you, im jaemin!!”

you are still confused but you just shake hands next to the counter,,,

and as you take a seat

jaemin just makes a smol run to the other side and hes like

“you came just in time, i want you to try my latte!!”

jaemin serves a cup of latte with a leaf art

this boy just served a latte first thing after shaking hands i-

you take a sip from the cup

and you are like,,, so auntie hired an experienced boy,,,,

“its really good,,,” it has the same comforting taste you always love

and jaemin just has the biggest smile :)))) you know his smile where the ends just curl in, yes that one

him beaming like that just makes you giggly inside,,,,

you ask him “so uh um im guessing you are the part timer??”

“yes!! i didnt introduce myself properly did i! i started working here two weeks ago :))

ive been coming here for quite a while now so im happy i got the chance!!”

and you ?¿ “ive never seen you here??” you are the most frequent customer youve gotta have seen him before fjsksj

hes like “oh um i always came at 9pm on a friday, after everyone leaves and the whole neighbourhood gets quiet”

you just :o

and come to think of it, you’ve never visited here on a friday night,, cause you know, friday evening is your im not doing anything tonight kinda me time lmao

inside you are kinda happy that someone who knows this place got hired like its a special place to you so

tbh you were kinda anxious even though you trust your aunt,,,,,

and jaemin hurriedly goes “oh and also auntie is taking a break today, shes out to the market so im gonna take over until she returns in the afternoon”

djskdj auntie why didnt she tell you lmao

“im sorry if you needed anything specific from her,,, you should stay for a while until she comes back maybe?”

and you are like,,, “oh that would be great,,, but unfortunately i have to go to the library,,,,”

jaemin: ): he pout

“im so glad you came today tho!! i wanted to see you :) auntie has told so many thing about you”

“wait,, what has she told you,, omg”

apparently shes told jaemin

a) reason why this cafe recently became a popular hideout cafe for students because you wrote a school article bout it

b) that you do photography

c) and that this cafe is your break time so you never study here and auntie loves listening to you talk about school n what not

and then you are like !!

“wait so then you dont go to our school ,,,um are you also a student?”

and you panic a little cause i mean you just met him but you literally know nothing and you mightve assumed things fjsksj

and jaemin tells you “ah yes i go to a hospitality school downtown” “ohh”

and from there he just starts talking about his school and what he studies

he asks you about school but jaemin is extra excited about his hospitality course hes all !! :))!!

and you are so hooked on jaemin talking about his school you forget an hour passes by,,,,

[time to open the cafe]

then the customers start coming in

and you are like “oh sorry ive just bothered you during the preparation time,,,,, it was nice meeting you!! gotta go now :))”

and you rush out cause all you planned to do was give your auntie a little visit

also you dont want to bother jaemin cause its hes gonna handle the place alone for a couple hours

you wave a smol see you soon and

jaemin just does a little chuckle,, and hes like waving so widely fjsksj does he know other people can see him

and thats how your first day with jaemin went

later that day you return home thinking like,,, did you just get so excited to converse with someone who you juSt met,,,

na jaemin’s power

and jaemin on the other hand, is thinking about how beautiful you looked today

just that short while but it made him so happy

hes thinking about you all week uwu

so next week you visit again, expecting to see your auntie

and maybe also that gleaming boy

peeking through before the opening hours

the moment jaemin realises you hes like “y/n!!” what a shining boy

and aunties like “oh y/n right you met him last week when i was out right”

that morning you just talk to auntie about what shes been missing on after you went on a busy week

mind that jaemin is literally just listening to you & auntie talk

and he enjoys it cause you talk so comfortably in front of her :))

you decide to stay the whole day to give yourself a break

which meant you moved to your usual spot by the window

and auntie serving you (free) vanilla latte

you take out your camera and just start adjusting the lenses, trying to find the right frame

customers come and go so you dont get to talk to jaemin a lot that day

but its not like you came here for him,,,, right?¿??¿??

while you were thinking all that

jaemin was asking about you all day like

“so y/n’s favourite is vanilla?”

“does y/n prefer a latte over cappuccino?”

“i want to serve y/n something,,,, what would be the best??”

auntie: how many times did he mention y/n today omg

and as auntie answers

jaemin is thinking like

i wanna see y/n smile

and the entire day your auntie is like !!he :)))))

lmao same auntie same

so when the peak hours finish she goes

“i can take care of everything now, go talk to y/n”

and jaemin just smiles brighter than ever

so when he comes around, you startle

but it puts a smile on your face

because hes brought your favourite cake and just a smiling jaemin in front of you uwu

you both get to know more about each other like

how theres this two boys named chenle & jisung in the preparatory course whom he adores to death

or like

theres this jeno boy whose jokes suck jeno i love you

with a bonus of

you talking about how johnny’s english class is nothing but a comedian’s lesson

so that day went great

and now that you are comfortable

you visit the cafe to talk with jaemin more

even when you have a chill no stress week

it just makes you feel lighter by coming to the cafe now

and your auntie is hella happy that you two are getting along so well

it continues for weeks

just you and jaemin talking from time to time when the peak hours are over or before the cafe opens

you became best pals basically

he encouraged you to join more school projects cause hes sure your photography is worth the chance

you giving him daily support when he feels like he isnt doing the best for his course

sometimes when your aunt had to leave for a couple hours near closing time

you two just stayed there talking for a couple hours giving comfort to each other

late night lattes and cakes

also one time you got so excited from the bestest grades you got you might have hugged him without thinking oops

and one day, jaemin’s friend renjun is there when you come after school

and hes like “hi uh dont mind me im just here a bit because jaemin has to go somewhere after this and i dont want him to be late”

so you just,,, chill as jaemin kinda rushes

and when he goes to the storage room, you just see renjun getting along with the auntie lmao

auntie: “so i got offered this contract with the new type of beans? and idk if i should take it because that would mean i have to go out of the city,,,,”

renjun: “for how long?”

auntie: “two weeks maybe”

renjun: “oh thats fine, dont worry about it. jaemin can take over that. next two weeks right? his mandatory work experience ends this week”

so thats how renjun signed jaemin up to work alone for auntie without his consent

and aunties like “y/n!! it would be so much for just jaemin, you should help him :) your break starts next week right?”

so you also got signed up to this thing

fast forward to first day of break

aka the first time you “work” there

you are nervous and jaemin can feel it

“dont worry y/n, ill do all the talking and coffee, you just have to serve & clean!!”

so you try to calm down a bit

not to mention that you are also nervous cause its only jaemin and you in the room

but then he sees you fumbling with tying the apron and

jaemin says “here, give it, ill do it for you” while smiling a little

and from the back he wraps the apron around your waist,,,

and hes so close to you,,, your heart is fluttering

okay heart stop beating so fast pls thank you

and little do you know,,, jaemin is flushing a bit behind your back,,,

you are both the cutest mess

and you break the silence with a smol

“thanks :))”

trying to contain yourself from screaming

adapting to the serving side & keeping youself busy

you dont realise jaemin is literally admiring you the entire time as you get used to the job,,,,

here and then you forget how close you might be standing next to jaemin,,,

you kinda also realise how rEALLY attractive he looks serving everyone with a huge smile 24/7

and the way some customers are obviously attracted to him,,,,

but what you dont know is he is literally taking this chance to highkey flirt with you lmao

waves (sometimes winks) across the room

causally hovers over you when you cant find/reach smth

beaming the biggest smile every minute he gets to himself

and at first you panicked like ?!????

cause was this jaemin boy holding back for a whole month

is this his nature yes

but it makes you so happy to see him smiling all the time beside you

so jaemin yes its working

you gotta admit tho his flirty-ish behaviour grew on you this entire week djskjssj

a week of giggly smiles uwu

but the week after was unexpectedly the busiest of the busiest

you two forgot national holidays collided with the weekends and for some, it was a week off,,,,,,

so the week rushes by so quickly compared to the last one

it kind saved you tho cause your heart cant take more of that flirty behaviour

and finally,

the peak days are over,,,

and you realise its been a while since the cafe was just you,,,, and well jaemin but just no customers

the silence with faint sounds of cups cluttering,,,, you missed it

so then you go sit on the high chair

just admiring jaemin organise the shelves

he starts to prepare a new cup of coffee then realises you smiling at him “were you in awe at how effortless i look right now??”

you chuckle at his remark,,,

(needless to say that your are chuckling to hide how your heart is melting at his smirky smile)

so you twirl a bit shyly,, and avert the gaze to the familiar wood of the counter

asking him “do you remember the day we first saw each other, me sitting here and you serving the latte?”

“ofc, its the day i met an angel”

oh so confidently na jaemin really just said that

you quickly look up at him like !!!?!???!

and thats how he earned a first kiss (or rather a peck) from you

leaning over the counter and pecking you, a whole blushy mess

then comes a clink by the door

you juMp,,,,,,,

oof the customer may or may not have seen you two

you both rush around flushed like a tomato lmao

spending the rest of the day like nothing happened oops

and after the day ends, you two close the cafe

as you starting walking you are caught off guard when

jaemin just takes your hand,,,

“look y/n!! the stars are so pretty!!”

and starts swinging your arm like a tall child,,,

your heart is skippingnsjsjsjs

then at the corner, jaemin turns around and goes

“this is actually the place i first saw you”

and you ??¿?¿¿

“i saw you taking the photo of this night light shining into the cafe”

still hand in hand, jaemin steps a little closer

and takes his free hand to cup your face, kissing you,,,,

you smile into him as he kisses so softly, thinking

maybe the day i took that photo was a friday night

and melting into the kiss, you really think you are dreaming,,,,,

under the lights you once wished capturing a sparkling moment with the cafe in the back

its now you and jaemin in the frame,,,,

the boy who had you forgetting to breathe a month ago

whos now serving your favourite latte with a bonus of pecks on the cheek,,,,, (maybe on the lips if theres no one watching)

anyways

jaemin brings light to your life and you have never been this happy until you met him uwu

and it goes both ways, jaemin cant live without you now,,,, you are the best thing thats ever happened to him

(thank the heavens & your auntie)

oh and also johnny for pushing you to submit that article lmao plus huang renjun for that involuntary sign up

[cutemoniic]

full offense, because i care very little about this website anymore, but people who completely and consciously refuse at providing ooc communication should be kicked out of this community. there should be a certaint rulebreaker that doesnt allow people past a certaint point with this. there should be a message that pops up over their blog with something like ''buddy, you fucked up now'' in massive blinding lights and automatically kicks them out of the website. also, this rant was overdue.

im not talking about people who struggle with anxiety regarding communicating out of character, im talking about people who can communicate properly and weaponize the fuck out of it. social/online anxiety, bad news i know, isnt shitting on someone in a group chat while having complete power to communicate to them ''hey, this x thing that happened/that you said rubbed me the wrong way, can we talk about it?'', but choosing to withdraw any form of communication to stir some drama because youre thirsty for it. social/online anxiety isn't failing so badly at communicating that even YOU cannot accept it and unload the blame on someone else completely just because you feel like this is the right thing to do. REAL socially anxious people are in the rpc community and they are doing their best to reach out to people to form friendships and meaningful relationships. imagine having the power and the abilities to communicate properly, but withholding it all because youre on a sick power trip and want to shit as much as possible over the other person just because of a slight you perceived was done towards you. when this happens, you don't moan and whine about said perceived slight: you move your ass, gather your maturity and go talk to the other person about it. if it wasnt intentional youll receive an apology and a promise to do better, and if it was intentional or the person did it in a malicious light? call them the fuck out. warn others. make a fucking storm up so they will run away in shame. but at least you will have done the correct thing: communicating.

as i talked about it before over my dualscar blog, even if on another topic, this is a community hobby: it means that we are all conjoining energies to make ourselves and everyone else a fun time by communicating with eachother. i assume that everyone that joins here, or has been on tumblr for a long time, knows that ooc communication is a necessary thing to have a pleasant experience. there's a problem? we talk about it. something happens that causes anxiety? we talk about it! it should be this simple. this should be a source of solid comfort for other people. knowing that they are more than their own muses and knowing that the other person on the other side of the screen will reach out if they are upset at them, so the problem can be tackled out. i had a few traumatic experiences based on ooc communication that shaped up how much i oocly contact others: i have been blamed for being too attached to ooc communication when the other person completely and utterly failed to communicate their share and left me to shoulder it all. i have been withheld big time ooc communication until i talked about it, and gaslight into ''but if you asked me for more ooc communication i would have used it! xd'' when in reality it wasnt true, etc. man, i have been shunned so fucking much for valueing ooc communication as i do and i can see why, today. most of the people im talking about also shadily changed names to not be recognized by these days so lol!

because ooc is a powerful tool of communication, it will be weaponized from malicious people in order to stir up drama and to have both positive and negative attentions drawn on them. it will be withheld just to make the one doing it feel powerful and make their victim feel bad. anything that will be shifted from people who believe of themselves as ''blameless'' and ''the true victims'' will be shifted into the person who just wants to have a safer experience with communication. people will literally thing ''i know i am to blame for this, but let me flip it all around or ill shatter like a mirror because i cannot face responsabilities and have the maturity of a candy cane'' and shit like this. while im usually a very empathetic person, i see shit like this and i lose it.

if you don't get why ooc communication is important, or have no intentions on changing how you communicate, you are not welcome in the rpc community.

this rant, which will obviously be taken and talked about various malicious trashtalking chatrooms to judge me for it, because this is how ''ooc communication'' is right now, is aimed to be seen by certaint people and give them strenght. i mean to tell them ''you arent alone in having been mistreated over ooc community, c'mere. lemme give you an hug''. this rant is to reassure REAL socially anxious people that i feel for them and dont want uncommunicative fuckfaces to make their experience even worse than what it is already. if you feel called out by this rant, im not up to listen to your excuses and reasons, and if you contact me looking to argue, you're gonna be blocked the moment the sound of your message hits my IMs. if instead you feel called out by this rant and want to know what you did wrong and look for advices to improve, im willing to help you if theres no victimism involved and we can talk like two mature people if you want to get better. im a patient person if you show remorse.

if someone adamantly refused to ooc communicate, manipulates you or shuns you for it, start protecting yourself if you are not ready to call them out.

inform your friends in the most neutral way that you can. ''this person has caused me grief over ooc communication by not using it/weaponizing it against me etc, and has put me into a difficult situation. be careful''. mass block them the moment they try this bullshit over your other pals too. avoid this person until they have nothing left to do but apologize and promise to be better, and once actual progresses are made make sure to have a talk with them to make them understand why this happened and what about this irked you and caused you to react strongly. if there is no remorse or apology, continue avoiding them. people will eventually come around after they are hurt too, and will need you to mend their wounds. people will start listening after it. its all a chain of events that cannot be stopped until the perpetrator of this bullshit stops and looks at their actions.

callouts aren't required.

as a final word, i will say it again: if you cannot recognize that this community is still trying desperately to find comfort in communication and you wanna do your worst to ruin it, do everybody that still has some sanity a favor and leave, because you will not be welcomed unless you radically change how you act.

[otterplusharchive]

good morning everyone i hope youre all safe and feeling okay this morning i love u all... today i woke up feeling strange and drained after not sleeping well and only encountering nightmares in my rest. i spent the next half hour or so after waking up debating over if it would be okay to not go to my short morning class today because i just felt exhausted and unable to focus, and instead of beating myself up over needing more time to rest i realized that it would be okay if i missed one class period and that i shouldnt be holding myself to impossible standards. its okay to need time to take care of yourself when youre not feeling well, its okay to need a day where you step back and try to rest and get to a better place. theres no shame in needing a break or needing help, and certainly no shame in admitting that youre not doing very well. youre allowed to feel all the emotions that you feel and you deserve to get the support and help that you need. i know that when things are hard it can feel like the suffering will never end, but i promise you that this will pass in time and there will be better things ahead of us all. please dont dismiss your own pain, someone elses suffering does not erase your own and you do not have to reach a certain level of it being ""bad enough"" for you to be upset and to reach out for help. you already deserve help and you are always worthy of love and happiness. be good to yourselves today, treat yourself with the same gentleness and kindness that you would treat your loved ones with, and know that you arent alone. i really hope that today is going to be kind to you all and that happiness and good things will find you today even in small moments. if you need anything im here as always.

[fairyscribbles]

No More Running. (D.O, Romantic Confession)

By the way my loves, no need to worry about me! I decided to clean my folder and I found a lot of stories that I haven’t posted on tumblr yet, and I am pretty proud of them! So these are things that were written a while ago, but you get to see now! <3

-

You pushed your feet to go faster, feeling the strain in your muscles as you sped down the dark alleyway. You muted out the gruff yells that were behind you and your mind was only set on one thing- escaping the situation you’ve gotten yourself into.

You haven’t done anything wrong. You were innocent, and yet it was you who ended up being chased again.

You knew very well who was following you. And you knew they were toying with you. If they would’ve wanted, the vampires would have already ripped your jugular out.

They weren’t doing this for hunger. Oh no, the reason was far more personal than an innocent feeding.

This was an act of revenge, an eye for an eye. But they had the wrong person. You weren’t supposed to be executed for this reason.

You sharply turned left, almost losing your footing as you slammed into the side of the building. You could faintly register the burning on your arm as it scratched against the building, willing yourself to go faster.

This was all just a big mistake. They weren’t supposed to go after you. You weren’t the one closest to Do Kyungsoo, the werewolf they wanted to hurt the most.

Kyungsoo made sure you knew that well.

-

“Look…” he started, pausing after muttering your name. His eyes were set on the ground.

“This isn’t because of you…”

“Oh, of course not. It’s never me, it’s always you.” You cut him off, your hands balled into fists at your sides. He tried to open his mouth to protest, but you didn’t let him.

“At first, it was about you being different. When I showed you I had absolutely no problem with you being a werewolf, you changed the story to the “enormous” age gap problem.” You stated, crooking your fingers in the air in imaginative quote marks. Kyungsoo’s full lips pursed in a thin line, his brows furrowed.

“Even when I said that three years aren’t that bad, you’ve apparently come up with another one.” Crossing your arms on your chest, you glared at him.

“Let’s hear it, then.” He started out with your name again, and no matter how much you loved hearing it rolling off his lips, you willed yourself not to be affected by it.

“I cannot…I’m too dangerous for you.”

“Oh, that is rich.” You scoffed and Kyungsoo showed his distaste of interrupting him by growling deep in his chest. Sometimes, you forget that Kyungsoo is really a dangerous being, but no one could blame you- he is always so gentle and nice, it isn’t hard to let your mind slip with that little fact that he is able to transform into a great beast.

You pursed your lips, holding in all the other snarky comments until he is finished.

“I’m too dangerous. After all these years, I’ve made too many enemies. They could hurt you to get to me. And the biggest enemy is right in this room.” You lifted your eyebrow in question and Kyungsoo pointed at his chest.

“It’s me. I could hurt you so easily…” he muttered almost to himself, as he lifted his hand and his thumb brushed gently over your cheek. It took all you had not to lean into his touch, as you stared into his eyes, which seemed to be torn by uncertainty.

“Just with a flick of my wrist, I could break you bones…”

“You don’t have to flick anything but your tongue, to let those words out and break my heart.” You added, your voice lowering to his whisper. Pain flashed through his eyes and to your dismay, his hand retreated from your skin. He was already taking steps back, away from you.

“I’m sorry, I can’t…I can’t risk it. I’m so sorry.”

You would’ve cried, but you didn’t have the energy anymore. Sadly, you were so used to Kyungsoo walking out on you; it didn’t hurt as much as the last time.

You loved him, and you were sure he loved you back. The fact that after every single time he left, he returned to you made you realize that he was unable to be without you.

Do Kyungsoo’s machinations of his mind were an enigma, you decided, as you stared at the closed door, a thought crept in your head that it might’ve been a metaphor about Kyungsoo.

The closed door might be a metaphor on your relationship with Kyungsoo.

You were left all alone.

-

And alone, you had to face the two bloodthirsty vampires at your heels. You felt that your muscles started to scream in pain, but you couldn’t allow yourself to slow down. Slowing down mean certain death.

“Think fast, wolf bait!” a crystal clear voice called out behind you and not a second later, a sharp rock came in contact with your scalp. With a yelp, you stumbled but kept your balance. Your head throbbed, and that pain seemed to break down the numbness your brain created when they started chasing you.

You were being chased by vampires. And your only hope, the only one that could save you, turned his back on you.

That didn’t stop you from calling for help.

“Help…” the only word whimpered through your lips and the vile creatures behind you cackled.

“No one will come, sweetie. Stop running and we’ll make it quick.”

I don’t want to make it quick. I want to live, you wanted to tell the vampires, but you knew it would be useless.

“Please, help!” your voice grew louder as you took another turn. You noticed your grave mistake too late, that you ran into a dark alley, that was most probably cut off by some obstacle. Your fears came true, as a metal fence started rising above you and soon enough, you collided into it, hoping it would topple over.

Not happening. The fence stood there long before you and it probably will continue standing proud long after you’re gone.

You searched for a weapon of any kind- you were positive that you wouldn’t find any silver in the abandoned alleyway, so you settled for a broken vodka bottle. You clenched it by the throat, facing the predators with shaky legs.

“Leave me alone.” You tried to make your voice firm, but it cracked to a plea in the middle of the sentence, making the vampires laugh.

“We can’t do that, honey. There’s no escape. I’m sorry.” The monster replied and as if his speech triggered your reflex, your legs set off running again.

You didn’t get far though, as an arm shot up to meet you, sending you flying back to the fence. With a cry, you tried to catch your breath, your eyes glazing over with tears.

“Kyungsoo…” his name escaped your lips and your attacker grinned.

“Yes, thank him for killing you.”

“Kyungsoo, help me…” you were far too gone with fear, trying to back up even further into the fence when the vampire started approaching you.

“No! Stay back! Please!”

“So loud…” the other one growled, slapping you across the cheek. The sole impact had you losing your balance as you fell on the ground, knocking your head on some rubbish. Sobbing, you tried to crawl away from your death, into the corner of the building and the fence.

“Please, no!” you cried again, when you felt an iron grip on your ankle yank you away from your haven.

“Shut up already!”

“Say your prayers, flower.”  The first one finally said, lifting his arm to strike you again, but this time, you were sure it would be the last.

“Kyungsoo!” you shrieked, your eyes closing and awaiting the impact.

A growl cut through the air and soon enough, ripping and yells reached your ears, before you covered them, cutting them off.

You wanted out. This was just  a horrible nightmare, you wanted out, to wake up. Or if it had to be real life, you just wanted to die, to finally have it over with and to die in peace. Oh god, that was the only thing you wanted, just to get out…

Your ranting was interrupted by a familiar voice calling your name. At first, you thought it was just your mind playing tricks, but when big hands covered yours, gently prying them off your ears, you heard that concerned voice again.

You opened your eyes and as you stared into Kyungsoo’s worried ones, you couldn’t fight the tears anymore and you broke down, crying.

“Did they hurt you? Hey, ___, talk to me, please.” His hand cupped your chin, tilting you up to meet his gaze again, while his other one gently swiped at the swollen cheek and busted lip that the vampires rewarded you with. His eyes laced with fury, and a growl rumbled off his chest.

“They didn’t bite you, right?” he asked carefully and relief washed over him when you shook your head.

“Did they hurt you anywhere else?”

“You came.” You interrupted his interrogation by throwing your arms around his neck and hugging him tight. You refused to let go of him, your grip around his neck was almost bordering with pain, but either way, one of arms wrapped around your back, bringing you impossibly close, while the other one cradled your head.

“I’m so sorry I came so late. I’m so sorry.” He whispered into your ear, while you proceeded to cry into his neck.

“I was so scared…” you were only able to hiccup through your sobs.

“I know, and I’m so sorry, but it’s all okay now, I’m here…” Kyungsoo started rocking you gently, trying to calm you down.

“But for how long? How long until you’ll leave again?” you’ve managed to form a longer sentence now, your grip automatically tightening when you spoke of him leaving.

“Forever. I’ll never leave you again.” His hand ran through your hair, and when he brought out bloody fingers because of your injury, he gently pushed you away so he could look into your eyes.

“I never wanted you to experience something like this. I thought that if I left you, they would lose interest in you, and yet the only thing I did was make you completely vulnerable.” As he spoke, your eyes cast downwards to look at his shirt. He brought your attention back to his face when he kissed your brow gently and you looked up in surprise.

“I promise to take care of you from now until you’ll want me. I’ll never let anything happen to you again. If someone as much as touches you, I’ll make sure they’ll regret it.” The determination in his eyes told you he was speaking the truth. A moment later, uncertainty crept through the irises.

“That is, if you still want me.” Normally, you would’ve scoffed, but now, you wound your arms around his neck again and nodded into his shoulder.

You could feel as Kyungsoo wrapped one arm under your knees and lifted you into his embrace, as if you weighed nothing.

“Never leave me again, please.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

[thefloatingstone]

A weeked at a hotel is quiet and alone.

A long walk or a going to a movie that starts after dark helps.

A four hour or longer bath where you sit in the water helps. Even if it doesnt helps it helps. And you smell good at the end of it which is nice even when you lack appreciation for nice things currently.

Do new things - feeling trapped or in a rut or the need to escape can be alleviated by feeling like youre making some sort of progress or have control over something in your life.

Sleeping more doesn’t help. Sleeping less doesnt help. Both are enough of a change/ strain on your body that they make you think they are but really they just increase problems and make the days pass quicker or slower.

Make goals. Meet goals. Cant get to goals make smaller goals to get there.

Focus on the things you can do and help and control and if you can’t do anything about it aknowledge it and let it go.

Hydrate. Youre not doing it enough, no one is.

Eat regularly, just like you should sleep regularly and for 9 hours - your body and therefore your mind functions better on a schedual.

It may not help but i can garrentee you not doing these things makes it harder than it needs to be.

Can also play games or read or watch shows until it passes, if it passes but thats just a… Temporary solution not an actual fix action.

But sometimes you don’t need a fix action you need a distraction to be immersed in and thats okay.

Get someone to talk to. Professionally.

Friends and family can help but we’re all not really great at healthy coping - and we know what works for us or what we’ve learned but we can’t always give you personalized tips that will help YOU get through your dips.

Clean/ reorganize your room - this just makes you feels self satisfied if youre lucky and if you arent well theres a little less mess and your mind feels less cluttered if you make even a little progress. Your environment can add to the strain.

Open a window idk why fresh air helps.

Candle with a scent you like - light it. Pet fire keeps you company.

Bake. Idk why but it helps, doesnt matter what youre making but if it makes a mess for you to clean up while you wait for it to be done its a win.

Plus baked goods are nice to have and eat or give away which makes you happy… Especially since half the time you dont feel the need to eat whatever youve baked.

Blast music. Loudly. Especially dark depressing shit or especially lively rebelling shit.

Or just play classical piano in the background because it helps…. Filter. Which is nice.

It gets better. Even if it turns out to be something youll struggle with it gets better because youll learn to manage it and it can’t take away the good even if it tells you it can.

Youve survived every horrible thing thats happened to you. Youll get through this too keep that in mind.

Also watch what youre telling yourself. Something as simple as telling yourself not “i can’t deal with this -emotional pain/situation - ” but “i dont want to deal with this” can in time make it easier to get past it because youre not bogged down in trying to… Reject how you feel.

Youre allowed to feel this way. Like. You may not want to but. You do so youve got to accept it on some level in order to beable to get past rejecting reality and figure out how best to approach it.

Emotions arent unreasonable. Like. Logically you’ll say they are but youre not depressed or whatever for no reason. Either theres something effecting you or your brain chemistry is off either way there is no “i shouldnt feel this way”

So like. Really dont talk down to yourself. Or if you do at least try to tack on something like “alright try again” or idk something positive or at least foward thinking.

And remeber you’re not alone.

Reach out. Message people. Sit on silent calls and share dead air with others. You may ache like a raw nerve or feel left out or ignored or a hundred other things but just. Attempting to be apart of your friends life or just hearing another person can do a world of difference. If not… In the moment than later it def gives you something to build on.

And youre not… A bother. Youre not… Responsible for making decisions about other peoples emotional wellbeing. Theyve got to tell you ‘hey i dont/ cant talk about this right now lets just bs about whatever instead". You need help or a distraction or anything ask the people you care about.

Youre not alone and isolating… Usually makes things worse.

Like alone time can help but isolatings a different ballgame entirely and youll know which youre doing.

Hell just posting on here and asking for tips is great and Im proud of you.

Sorry if that or any of this sounds condescending - im just. Summarizing shit ive learned and tried and had to talk myself into because i really thought my mental health was bullshit and i shouldnt need help with basic things.

But people do. Like. We’re not made to fuction the way we do and we’re not taught a lot of really simple things and how they effect us or the difference between coping healthly and not.

… Fuctioning can only get you so far so long, you’ve got to actually take care of yourself you know? I mean dont beat yourself up because taking care of yourself doesn’t line up with what you think that should mean is all.

Sorry to bug and do hope you get to feeling better soon.

This is an incredibly in-depth and helpful message. Thank you so very very much for taking the time to write it out for me. I’m posting this to prevent it from getting buried

Also, again, I want to thank everyone for sending me responses and messages about this. I’m sorry I’m not replying to all of them individually, but I am reading all of them <3 a lot of you are saying the same things like taking a walk or doing some light exercise, drinking water (I haven’t been doing that enough today) and things like that. As I said, I can’t do exercise tonight since it’s late, but I’ll try and take a walk tomorrow if the weather is good. And I’ll try and get some water in me.

I’m afraid talking to someone professional isn’t really possible right now, but hearing I can just go once makes me feel a little better. I’ve never realised I don’t have to try and afford an ongoing therapy thing. I can’t do it right now, but I’ll see if I can figure something out at some point in a few months if I can.

But thank you again for your help, guys. And although I feel bad for asking... but I’d really appreciate if you guys could continue to give it. Not because I want instant gratification or anything, but just because I don’t have much support elsewhere, and I want to get past this.

and thank you for being patient with me. I’m trying, I really am.