#and yet. he is. and like he couldve been angry and hateful and push everyone away but instead he draws them closer

[gideonnavsenormousbiceps]

getting more and more excited about the golden raven the closer 2.22 gets but also. jeremy and whatever the fuck is going on with his family hasn't really been addressed yet. excited but also scared. scarcited. feel like some stuff about his relationship with his family will be revealed and he will need to address it as much as Jean needs to confront his abuse and its ongoing effects, and will probably struggling with admitting that there's an issue as much as Jean does. anyways Jeremy as a captain takes care of everyone else, but I would love to see him take care of himself as well.

[mooncircuses]

in sweet magnolias my gay ass cannot stop seeing the rivals to friends to lovers au play out and i may be overanalyzing but jackson and tyler? fuckin. thats not straight...if u are rivals and hate each other why do u interact in the ways u do...look at each other like that??? sacrifice things like that..

jackson is not a great person. some stuff he does i think can be argued was a way to help tyler but still be the annoying rival/teammate there. and in general we know they care abt each other, its just not addressed into anything more than their rival status between them.

personally i think jackson is in deep w internalized homophobia and i think its a common trope with asshole gay jocks in media and the backstory they’re creating for him. it makes sense. he has a bad family life, he doesnt feel good enough, he’s constantly compared to tyler (..and yet still is attentive to his feelings even if he’s the one making him angry/upset/etc.) its a hard dynamic to work through since theyve been rivals since they were babies. theres the overarching forbiddenness of being anything with each other..other than rivals bc of the parent history bc rivals is what’s “expected” of them. i think.

i mean. i hope im not reading into this because it could become a really great storyline esp sine the writing on this show and the small things in the acting and directing are so meaningful. i know annie and tyler are the ship thats common right now, and i honestly see them as nothing but sibling relationship. he never has fondness on his face when he looks at her. it is literally the protective older brother look/check in that he has taken upon himself (for who know how long, but at least since his dad left). its not romantic with her and its clearly not romantic with cece. why is he still with her if the things with annie already blew over? i think cece’s a beard. not necessarily intentionally but maybe intentionally. even though his character is allowed to dismiss toxic masculinty in areas (which, amazing to show that) it doesnt mean he doesnt have internalized homophobia. and the way this town is close knit and everyone knows everyone and u probably marry high school sweethearts and everyone talks abt what’s different, being gay for sure would make people gossip (bad or good) when its not their info to share. so cece is on his arm kinda as backup? or failsafe in case someone is getting close to finding out he’s gay? we can see this: when jackson comes to tyler and gets very very touchy and flirty and stares in his eyes and they both glance at each others lips, tyler pushes jackson and gets touchier with cece (more than we’ve literally ever seen). and he then goes on the defensive bc he is sick of jackson coming in between him and cece and in general, tyler’s own life. (hmm?).

anyway! jackson could get a redemption arc. i think he should. his outright rude meanness should not be excused though. if the show makes a relationship out of that without talking its not a healthy one. we see the harsher banter between them but its still banter-they laugh in the interactions, smile, its not a problem. but jackson does do stuff and says stuff that creates way more harm than he probably realized and its why he’s so lowkey in those situations and is still smiley and sometimes continues. yes, jackson wants attention and a reaction. and this needs to be addressed because he cant ever be redeemed if he doesnt change. the banter is fine, but the “taking it too far and not realizing exactly what he’s done before its too late” is not. and i have hopes of jackson’s character being developed more because if he’s just here to show how tyler deals with things, they didnt need to make a backstory abt them or make jackson the person that is showing us how tyler is dealing with things- they couldve made random players, other characters, or even jackson as not the only one. which makes jackson stand out at this point and they gave him backstory so i dont think he’s just a plot device character like a lot of the characters are.

also... i love rivals to friends to lovers aus with my entire soul bc when theyre actually done properly and followed through on they are always amazing because it forces gradual building and doesnt skip steps and actually develops the characters in depth (both!!) and their feelings for each other too (it has to, and with this build it is realistic even though not everyone falls in love this way..it forces the writers to showcase an actually good relationship bc they have to spend time on it). so. it seems like thats whats being set up because why else would they create a rivals characters with complex relationships with each other if they werent going to turn it into anything more?

[marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer]

MTVS Epic Rewatch #208

Don’t forget to vote on the season 7 polls!!

BTVS 7x21 End of Days

Stray thoughts

1) So this is how Faith is doing as the leader…

…and this is how Buffy is doing as the outcast Slayer…

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder who’s the boss… (maybe we should ask Abed.)

2) I don’t like seeing Faith hurt, but I do get a very sick (I admit it) satisfaction at seeing all these girls hurt and scared because they kicked Buffy out and they screwed everything up in the worst possible fashion. I know that by having Faith lead them into yet another trap the writers were trying to prove the point that what happened at the vineyard could’ve happened to anyone and that it wasn’t Buffy’s fault (Buffy will make this same point herself later on the episode.) Both Buffy and Faith were trying to do what they thought was best, yet it backfired. Shit happens yada yada yada. Yet I just can’t help but feel personally vindicated when I see Faith and the potentials fuck everything up so spectacularly.

On the other hand, not only was Buffy able to pull herself together after the group (and her friends! Her family!) kicked her out and made her feel like the worst piece of shit in the whole world, but she also managed to A) get the scythe and B) make Caleb nervous, which was a first. So yeah. #teamBuffy

3) So why exactly were the Scoobies looking for Buffy? I mean, didn’t they kick her out literally the day before? And now they’re suddenly worried about her or something? The only person who followed Buffy after they all kicked her out was Faith. Faith! Do you see how wrong/ironic that this? Do you see how painful it must’ve been for Buffy not to have NONE OF HER FRIENDS – not Xander, not Willow, not Giles, not even her own sister! – go after her to see if she was okay? To ask her where she was going or what she was going to do? The only person who showed any concern whatsoever about her was probably the only person she would’ve labeled a potential enemy. 

Damn you all, I’m still pissed off. I hate this. I hate having to feel this way about the characters I’ve loved for seven seasons in the FINAL EPISODES OF THE SHOW. It just feels so wrong, but I can’t help but HATE THEM. What the hell was this fucking writing choice? I hate it. I hate everything about it.

4) If I have to say something in favor of Kennedy is this, when shit hit the fan, she was the only one who wasn’t screaming like a moron and who was actually trying to fight off the Turok-Han. So yeah. The girl got spunk.

5) But she’s nothing compared to our designated BAMF.

6) No one is kicking Buffy out now, HUH? HUH???????????????????

7)

Yes. Yes, you did.

8) And this is exactly why they shouldn’t have kicked her out or “rebelled” against her or whatever the fuck they thought they were doing.

BUFFY You guys, it was a trap. It's not her fault. That could've just as easily happened to me.

9) While I do appreciate the pun and the side glances between Buffy and Willow…

I still feel it’s very wrong they’re all just talking and Giles is playing around with the scythe as if the last time they’d been together they HADN’T HUMILIATED BUFFY AND KICKED HER OUT OF HER OWN FUCKING HOUSE???? LIKE SERIOUSLY??? In Willow’s own words, you're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one.

Like, I know the apocalypse takes precedence, but maybe say “sorry for kicking you out” and “thank you for saving us AGAIN”.

10)

11) Again, I get the same feeling with Xander. Like, did they all suddenly forget they had left Buffy alone and kicked her out of her own house? Xander is all like, “I don’t need you to protect me just because I lost an eye” but literally a day before he was telling her it was HER fault he’d lost it, and using that as a justification not only for removing her from her role as a leader but also TO KICK HER OUT OF HER OWN HOUSE. And now it’s just like nothing ever happened? How is that possible? How is literally no one apologizing to Buffy? And not only is he not apologizing, but Buffy is telling him that he’s her heart and the reason she’s still alive, which okay, it’s all kind of true, but he’s also the guy WHO BLAMED YOU FOR LOSING HIS EYE AND WHO KICKED YOU OUT OF YOUR OWN HOUSE THE DAY BEFORE?!

I didn’t know that End of Days could make me as angry as Empty Places but here I am.

We’re 14 minutes into the episode and still, no one has apologized to Buffy and they’re all pretending like they didn’t turn their backs on her and it’s pissing me off. I hate feeling this way in the episode prior to the series finale. This is not how a fan should be feeling right before the show ends!

12) Not only do I know what a glottal stop is but I’ve also learned how to pronounce it. Or at least I was able to pronounce it a few years ago. 

13) And hence the fate of Miss Kitty Fantastico was finally revealed…

DAWN Xander, my crossbow is not out here. I told you, I don't leave crossbows around all willy-nilly. Not since that time with Miss Kitty Fantastico.

If you must hate Dawn, it should only be for this.

14) Did anyone really believe Xander would hurt Dawn?

15) What was the point of this scene…?

…I mean, other than to give us Nathan Fillion’s orgasm face?

16) And this is the difference between Buffy and the rest… just remember how everyone reacted and treated Buffy after the vineyard, and see how she acts here after literally the same happened with Faith in charge…

FAITH What do you want me to say? I blew it.

BUFFY You didn't blow it.

FAITH Tell that to—

BUFFY People die. You lead them into battle, they're gonna die. It doesn't matter how ready you are or how smart you are. War is about death. Needless, stupid death.

She’s understanding and reassuring, she’s not pointing fingers or kicking people out. And that’s why she’s a hero and the rest are a fucking bunch of morons. I’m sorry, I’m still so angry about Empty Places and this episode is not making things any better.

17) But I do love when my two slayers see eye to eye…

FAITH So, here's the laugh riot. My whole life I've been a loner.(…) No ties, no buddies, no relationships that lasted longer than... (…) Me, by myself all the time. I'm looking at you, everything you have, and, I don't know, jealous. Then there I am. Everybody's looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I've never felt so alone in my entire life.

BUFFY Yeah.

FAITH And that's you every day, isn't it?

BUFFY I love my friends. I'm very grateful for them. But that's the price. Being a slayer.

FAITH There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.

BUFFY Also, you went evil and were killing people.

FAITH Good point. Also a factor.

BUFFY But you're right. I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share.

FAITH And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.

BUFFY Takes the edge off.

FAITH Comforting.

BUFFY Mm-hmm.

This is something that had been a long time coming. Since day one, Faith had envied Buffy. Just like Buffy saw in Faith her road not taken, Faith saw in Buffy the life she could’ve had but didn’t. She envied it and she wanted it for herself. She literally tried to steal it away several times. So if she couldn’t have it, if it wasn’t meant for her, then she could take Buffy away from it, drive her to the dark side, where she lived. Every attempt was futile, even stealing Buffy’s body and literally taking her life. It only made her feel more undeserving, more inadequate, more unworthy. But every time she’d taken a shot at being the leader, it was by playing tricks, by taking what it wasn’t rightfully hers. This time around, she had somehow earned it. There was no foul play on her part. Others made the decision for her and gave her the role she’d craved for so long. And she finally understood that it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Yes, Buffy did have friends and people who looked up to her and cared about her. But when push comes to shove, when tough calls must be made, the Slayer is always alone. The weight of the world is only on her shoulders, and she can’t share the burden. It took four seasons but Faith finally got it. And she could finally let go of all the envy and jealousy.

18) I just love the fact that for the first time Buffy is the one who opens up to Spike. She’s always been the one who pretends there’s nothing between them and who skirts around her feelings and dismisses his. But not this time. And for me, it was enough that she acknowledged that it meant something, even if they – and we – don’t know exactly what that was.

BUFFY You're a dope.

SPIKE I'm a what?

BUFFY You're a dope. And a bonehead. And you're shirty.

SPIKE Have you gone completely carrot-top?

BUFFY Do you see this? This may actually help me fight my war. This might be the key to everything. And the reason I'm holding it is because of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. Look, I am tired of defensiveness and weird, mixed signals. You know, I have Faith for that. Let's just get to the truth here, OK? I don't know how you felt about last night, but I will not—

SPIKE Terrified.

BUFFY Of what?

SPIKE Last night was... God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this.

BUFFY Spike...

SPIKE It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that, 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but—

BUFFY I just told you it did.

SPIKE Yeah... I hear you say it, but... I've lived for soddin' ever, Buffy. I've done everything. Done things with you I can't spell, but... I've never... been close... to anyone. Least of all, you. 'Til last night. All I did was... hold you, watch you sleep. And it was the best night of my life. So, yeah... I'm... terrified.

BUFFY You don't have to be.

SPIKE Were you there with me?

BUFFY I was.

SPIKE What does that mean?

BUFFY I don't know. Does it have to mean something?

SPIKE No. Not right now.

19) Update: 29 minutes in and I’m still waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

20) Am I the only who thinks this speech is okay but like, the writers were trying too hard to give Anya her “Anya Speech Moment” of the season and it kind of feels a bit, I don’t know, forced?

ANYA Well...I guess I was...kinda new to bein' around humans before. But now I've... seen a lot more, gotten to know people... seen what they're capable of, and... I guess I just realized...how amazingly screwed-up they all are. I mean really, really screwed-up in a monumental fashion. And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die...which they...they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane. And yet, here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do. They never... never quit. So I guess I will keep fighting, too.

21) #priorities

22) And in another episode of Plots Totally Pulled Out of the Writer’s Ass… (a.k.a. Joss Whedon Tries to Rectify the Fact that He Wrote a Bunch of Men Violating the Original Slayer by Putting a Demon Inside of Her and Thus Utterly Destroyed the Whole Slayerness Equals Feminism Theme)

WOMAN We forged it in secrecy and kept it hidden from the Shadow Men, who...

BUFFY Yeah. Met those guys. Didn't really care too much for 'em.

WOMAN Ahh, yes. Then you know. And they became the watchers. And the watchers watched the slayers. But we were watching them.

BUFFY Oh! So you're like... what are you?

WOMAN Guardians. Women who want to help and protect you. We forged this centuries ago, halfway around the world.

Okay, I get it, I get what you were trying to do, but it was so fucking obvious, it was so transparent. Like, I know most of the so-called metaphors in this show were not so subtle (think the fucking monster-penis in Doublemeat Palace, for instance.) But the feminist struggle in the slayer vs the council struggle was always something that I personally enjoyed. And this is how Joss’s brand of “feminism” began to crumble down, in my opinion. This is what a white dude who is a self-proclaimed feminist believes to be a Good feminist storyline, but it’s so clichéd and self-evident it's almost cringe-worthy. Like, you get a bunch of Evil Men quite literally raping a Poor Woman, who is faked Empowered (her powers were lent to her by the Evil Men and the source of her powers is Evil, Demonic in nature because  duh! she is a Woman)  so that they can Manipulate her and Use her for the benefit of the Patriarchy. But oh wait! This is a Feminist Show! So in spite of what the Evil Men who were supposedly the Powerful ones did, there always were These Great and Powerful Women behind it all, the True Guardians of the Slayer, This has been a Matriarchy all along, you see?! PLOT TWIST!

Yawn.

The worst part? I can imagine all the writers patting themselves on the back for writing such a groundbreaking and Feminist storyline and for sticking it to the Men.

23) And btw, just to show you how big a Feminist Show this is, we get this…

I guess since this is a Feminist Show and Angel is the hero here and Buffy the damsel in distress, that makes Angel a woman, right?

But hey, at least he (or she?) literally let Buffy deliver the lethal blow…

24) And yes, this totally makes sense!

because Angel has not claimed to be in love with Cordelia and Buffy has not just had her more honest heart-toheart with Spike. Let’s just disregard whatever arcs have been developed in both shows in order to deliver a Ship Moment for the Bangel fans, right? Who cares about character development, right? Because I’m positive this is what former lovers do after not seeing each other in over a year, being currently emotionally unavailable, and facing the greatest evil of all. Suck face.

25) Update: minute 42 and I’m STILL waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

26) Sorry for the bitter rant! 

27)  If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi. Thanks!

[krpk-remaking]

pairo

a kurapika character study and a speculation on his future

the first time he thinks about specifically pairo in a while is, when the little kid hes just met jumps off the boat to save the sailor.

he and leorio grab hold of gon before the ocean swallows him and he cant help but think back to when pairo grabbed hold of him, damaging his legs and eyes in the fall because then, no one had grabbed them.

it makes him wonder what pairo would be like if he was still alive today - a stupid thought, he knows.

he‘ll never find out.

he tags along with gon.

he tells himself that its not because he reminds him of pairo in a way.

leorio joins them, too.

they fight some more, petty arguments that adults wouldnt have.

probably, because they arent, even if they pretend to be.

they reach the hunter exams.

he tells leorio.

not every detail but enough. and he finds out, that leorios lost a friend too - maybe gon reminded him of that lost friend too. it hurts to be reminded so much of pairo but he deals with it.

he distracts himself.

as always.

maybe leorios sillyness helps.

he cant be weak right now. they reach trick tower.

he sees the spider tattoo.

he KNOWS its fake but its enough.

leorio deals with the aftermath.

then, no pairo for a few days.

they finish trick tower and take on the island.

he finds leorio, then gon finds them.

its only when both of them nearly die, that he is reminded of the loss hes experienced.

but gon doesnt loose hope so neither does he.  

its so painfully pairo, to not loose hope. they all get through the challenge, him, gon, leorio, and killua too. hanzo breaks gons arm.

he doesnt understand how someone could just break a kids arm.

both he and leorio. later, killuas older brother reveals himself.

he wont let him hurt any children.

leorio and hanzo stand by his side. gon wakes up, they go to get killua, and once again gon reminds him of pairo too much.

then, separation.

he thinks less of individual loss.

revenge takes up his mind without any distractions around.

he learns nen, makes his chains, gets the job, goes to york new city.

people tell him the revenge will destroy him

he doesnt really care.

he thinks about them sometimes but not too much, he needs to stay focused.

melody knows now, too.

shes trustworthy he guesses.

no way to hide it from her either way.

he doesnt really care.

its september first and he doesnt go to meet them. leorio calls and he tells him hes busy with work.

he kills his first spider and its worse than he thought itd be.

he prays and for the first time in months, thinks about pairo again.

the spiders know him as the chain user now and theres no going back.

he doesnt really care.

nothing else in his life but revenge now.

too much happens, but he gets the eyes and thats what counts.

the spiders fake their death and he meets the others in the park.

he didnt realize how much hed missed them and laughs, for the first time in a long while.

he finds out that the spiders are alive.

gon leorio and killua insist on helping and he cant stop them.

he knows hed care if something happened to them and he hates it.

he takes the leader.

they send pakunoda.

he binds both of their nens.

he falls into a fever and pairos there again.

he sees him in hallucinations and the guilt kills him.

if hed been more careful and stayed away from the cliff, pairo wouldnt have saved him, wouldnt have been hurt, wouldve been able to leave to the outside with him, would still be alive.

its a selfish wish.

the survivors are the ones that bear most of the pain he knows this.

its selfish to wish this fate on another person, just so he wouldnt be alone.

he never did find that doctor for pairo.

when he wakes up from agony filled fever dreams, for only minutes at a time, leorio is there.

melody too sometimes.

often, leorio is sleeping, leaned against the wall next to him but when he isnt, leorio makes him drink water and swallow pills.

it hurts his throat.

cant he just go back to sleeping?

melody tells him that the nostrade girl is alright.

he wont loose his job.

he‘ll get the eyes.

all of them.

thanks to leorio, his fever goes away.

he thanks him.

but he wonders if leorio wouldve been able to help pairos eyes and legs.

leorio lost a friend and dealt with it by doing his best to not let anyone ever die again.

he lost his entire clan and dealt with it through pure destruction.

if it had only been pairo alone, maybe hed be training to be a doctor right now, too.

but he isnt that noble.

he knows that everyone was right and that the revenge is making him rot from the inside but theres no going back now.

hes gone back to not caring again.

its better to not care.

when he leaves, he doesnt tell gon and killua.

theyre kids, they shouldnt be involved in all this.

he cant get away without telling leorio, though.

he lies and tells him, theyll all reunite soon, but he knows they wont.

its better that way.

leorio pulls melody aside and tells her to take care of him.

he pretends he doesnt hear them.

how selfrighteous of leorio.

he goes back to his job.

starts hunting down the remaining eyes.

keeps climbing the ranks in the nostrade family.

hes good and they know.

leorio tries calling him, a lot.

he never picks up.

why wont he just take the hint.

its better to not get close.

he doesnt admit it, but its nice to know that leorio cares.

he misses them.

the chimera ants happen and he hears on the news.

it doesnt concern him.

leorio still tries to call.

the chimera ants are dealt with.

someone died.

its the chairman he thinks.

leorio tries to call him a few times, again.

he sends texts too but he doesnt read them.

he doesnt have time.

he cant get close.

they shouldnt get close.

its too late, he figures, so maybe „they shouldnt get any closer than they already are“ is a better wording.

he hasnt thought about anything but revenge for so long.

he hasnt thought about just pairo for a while.

its nicer that way.

replacing any sadness with anger keeps him from crying.

mizai shows up.

joining the zodiacs seems useful to get the remaining eyes.

he finally answers one of leorios calls.

he cant give him his email.

too close.

mizai knows enough already.

hes thankful to, and for leorio.

he doesnt get why leorio still does all this, after everything he has tried to push him away.

then, prince woble.

she has little personality yet, shes a baby, but exactly because of that, shes the least rotten person hes met.

he sees the fear in queen oitos eyes and he promises her that he will protect them.

he doesnt lie for a change.

again, everything happens so fast.

they board the ship, everything spirals out of control.

if he keeps using emperor time, he‘ll be dead by the end of the week and he knows this.

leorio is there too but he doesnt see him.

he blacks out once, because he overused nen and bill nearly calls a doctor.

he wouldnt admit it, ever, he feels selfish to even think it, but it wouldve been nice to see leorio again.

theres too much going on to think of pairo.

a few princes die, others learn nen.

a big fight breaks out a few decks under his but he doesnt care, he focuses on prince woble and protecting her.

then, queen oito dies.

he feels it in every last bit of his body.

they were still connected through emperor time and he feels the sensation of death.

hes with melody and bill when it happens.

they were on break.

how stupid of him to think he deserves to rest.

he uses his last strenght to tell them that they need to get to queen oito and he sees bill sprinting away before his vision goes dark.

he doesnt die.

why should he, his body is still in more or less good condition.

but he knows death now.

when he wakes up, leorio is there.

panic overcomes him but leorio tells him to rest and that prince woble is alive.

leorio looks so, so angry, that a mother had to die to protect a baby from a unnecessary war over a stupid throne.

he would be too, but hes just become too good at turning his emotions off.

he tells him that hisoka killed most of the spiders until the woman with pink hair landed the final blow on him.

its only her and killuas younger sibling now.

he feels weirdly empty, and relieved at the same time.

its the most hes felt in a while.

he gets better fast and leaves again.

leorio tries to hug him goodbye but he pretends he doesnt notice and turns away.

leorio tells him to be careful.

„okay“ he lies.

then the sucession war is over.

somehow, prince woble is still alive and he is too.

thanks to leorio, probably.

hes gotten a lot stronger and better at using nen.

prince fuugetsu has the throne now, offiially.

shes griefstrucken but shes managing.

hes thankful to her kind nature and melodys newfound connection to her.

without her, they couldnt have faked prince wobles death.

then he goes to retrive the eyes from prince tsnedderichs chamber, leaves woble in melodys care for a bit.

leorio insists on coming with him, as emotional support.

he tells him he doesnt need it but leorio insists.

he regrets not being more forceful.

he regrets so, so much

its pairo again.

its his head.

the prince had his head in a jar, the middle piece to the missing eyes.

he stares into pairos dead eyes and for the first time in years, actually cries.

he thought that by now, he might have forgotten how to cry but he hasnt.

he screams and cries and everything just spills out.

he just cant grasp how someone could murder a child, cut off their head, and sell it.

he cant.

he hates how he cares.

leorio tries to hold him and he pushes him away, this time literally, but leorio is physically stronger than him.

he cries and punches and kicks leorio but he doesnt let go.

eventually he blacks out and he guesses that leorio carried him back to the med bay because thats where he wakes up.

leorio is once again asleep in a chair next to him.

theres a huge box next to him and kurapika knows whats in it.

oh the irony of it all.

finally a doctor who maybe couldve helped pairo and pairo is even here.

but its too late and pairo is dead and gone and its his fault.

he knows the spiders are truly at fault but you cant get rid of guilt that sits deep in your soul that easily.

he just lays there and thinks, of pairo and everything thats happend since he swore revenge, now eight years ago.

pairo made him promise to have fun, back then, before he left.

he never got to ask him if he did have fun.

melody comes in, holding woble and her eyes widen with happiness when she see that hes awake.

he holds a finger to his mouth and points at leorio.

she just smiles, sits down on the other chair.

then hands him woble.

the prince is sleeping, too.

she smiles in her sleep.

he looks at the sleeping baby, looks at melody, the sleeping leorio, thinks of gon and killua who are waiting back home, and smiles back at the child.

if pairo could still ask if he had fun, kurapika would truthfully say yes.

[drunkenough2write]

Sober at 8:58 am

Ive started to numb everything out, push everyone else thats left away. I havent talked to Kaylee in about two months, or the guys in a few days, ive been avoiding anish and Molly and you and i obviously havent talk in a while. I had a moment yesterday i was doing ...something... and i started thinking about you, i let that numb thing go for a minute and i just kept saying “i love you Michael” over and over and i dont know what im doing. i dont know if i want you because im bored with him or because youre the one im supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i dont know if you and i are good for eachother or if we just romanicize the fuck out of eachother to the point weve tricked our minds into believing that we belong together, i dont know if those late nights spent in your arms, or those car rides with our fingers intertwined and the windows down meant nothing or meant everything. ive spent endless hours closing my eyes just so that i can picture your face, i have a hundred pictures of you i cant convince myself to delete. Everything makes me think of you, music and movies and people on social media, i think about what youd do when im scream singing in my car, windows down and crazy hair and music i havent listened too since middleschool, i think about you standing behind me in the shower and laying next to me in bed, i think about you shooting me looks across the isles of grocery stores and gas stations, i think about you picking at your nails and the warts on your fingers while i drive and roll my eyes at you, i think about you when i get high, how you get so paranoid, how you get a look in your eye like youre all alone and the worlds a stimulation trying to break you down and invade your inner thoughts and you look at me and i wonder if you trust me and i just want to wrap you in my arms and kiss your face and let you know that i got you no matter what. I dream about you, your long hair and jaw line, lanky body and strong arms, i dream about you walking in and the rest of the world falling away, you being all that i see and all that i know and nothing else in the world mattering even the smallest bit. Im scared Bugs, im scared of losing you, im scared of losing me, im scared that he will come back and i will pick him and one day ill wake up from yet another Michael dream and think “what the fuck am i doing?” but be so deep into it that theres nothing i can do, and im scared ill pick him and one day he will stop picking me and im scared that i cant love anyone. I spent years being the girl a guy could love, i perfected it, manipulated every boy i met into becoming obsessed with me, tricking their minds to the point i was all they thought about and i never got caught, i played boy after boy perfecting my actions and it worked. Ramon was so invested i didnt even notice, all his friends knew about me, he told them he was falling in love with me and all i thought about at the time was how he had a weird sex face and it didnt feel serious, then there was London, the boy who flirted with me in highschool and told me i was going to marry him and then years later told me i was ugly in highschool, so i convinced him nobody could understand him like i did, i let him be a douche bag, and make every possible stupid mistake he could and told him that he was amazing regardless, i supported all of  his dreams even though i thought they were dumb and far far out of reach all while entertaining others. At the same time i was sleeping with two frat guys in different frats that hated eachother and i made them both believe they were the hottest guys id ever seen and the best lays any girl could have all the while one looked like hed never stepped outside and was not packin and the other had a nice body but a jew nose and lasted like 4 minutes everytime, and they both faded out eventually. Then i reconnected with Reese and unfortunately he had been in the game longer and saw past the face i put on, he reached into my heart and plucked at the parts he knew would give him a safe place and i fell for it. i became his escape from home and work, he would come over at 3 am after work and slip into my bed and play his music and we’d fall asleep and id wake in the morning and leave for class and come back to him leaving, There was one night i was convinced he had real feelings for me. he was hanging with preston and their friend ethan who had moved out of state and came to visit, Preston went to ASU and lived in dorms near mine. They went to a strip club and then got super drunk and went back to prestons room, Reese called me and let me know he was still coming over at about midnight and Preston stole his phone saying he wouldnt make it and i just laughed at them and said id be up for a while if he changed his mind, even though i was so tired i couldve slept for an unholy amount of hours. i got a few snapchats from his snap that preston took of reese’s head in the toilet and figured he wouldnt be coming over, but i stayed up for a little while and then i got a call at 5 am he slurred his words trying to tell me he was coming and that he was lost but escaped Prestons room, Preston and ethan eventually found him and got on the phone trying to figure out where i lived, i told them and came out to meet them, Sophmore year of highschool i had a class with both Reese and Preston but i dont think either of them knew i had existed at the time. when i walked out they all looked at me and Reese looked so sad, red eyes and tears on his cheeks, he almost tripped over his own feet into my arms, i hugged him and looked back at his friends, they told me to take care of him, i smiled and took him back to my room. i put his stuff in the closet and helped him change and he followed me into bed, his arms around me (something he never did) and he cried, told me i was all he cared about, said all these things and passed out and for the first time since meeting him i felt like he wanted me for me, but i was wrong, i was a safe spot, a hidden island where he could get away from the rest of the world and eventually he met someone else. then on new years i got a snapchat from kaylees younger sister asking if it would be okay if she gave my snap to her cousin ransom whom i had only met a few times, i said sure and his first snap said he was gonna make me his. i laughed, i liked when guys were forward, unfortunately that was one of the only things i liked about him, over the next month i played with him, careful not to break him entirely, he tried to get me to take his virginity and him being the mormon cousin to my childhood mormon best friend i knew i couldnt and then one day i got a snap from some guy i met on tinder, his name was Alex Decker, he hyped me up on snap all the time and i was on shrooms so i responded, asked why he was always nice to me he said “why not?” we talked a little and eventually i invited him over we hung with my friends, i got free tickets to a suns game and we all went and we took our first selfie and i didnt pull my tricks, because he wasnt like every other guy that walked my way and stuck their tongue down my throat after talking to me for 15 minutes we hung out probably 7 times before he kissed me, i had convinced myself he was gay or just not interested and let down my gaurd, we were watching Game of Thrones, the Episode where you learn about Horridor and the reason behind his name, and i started crying and he made a joke and i punched his arm out of sadness and he kissed me, it moved pretty fast after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentines day, 12:04 am - we decided to say it was the 13th instead, didnt want to be cheesy, he brought me roses the next day and we dated for a while, i pushed and pulled every day, pushed him away only to ask him to come back hours later, i was a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, and when i ended things i was more scared of losing his family then him. I went to California for spring break and he spent the night before i left and he found my stash on notebooks and read everything, went through my poetry books and found which ones i dedicated to other boys and other loves and he went crazy, he read every secret and every lie and he told me living in my head was the worst place to live and he sent me pictures of everything that made him mad and he spent 9 hours in my room going through everything and i was so angry i redownloaded tinder, figuring id end things when i got home and then came Remmington. When i got back to Arizona we threw a party at my house and a bunch of people came over, he had written me a letter and got so drunk he let Colden read it to the room, it was horrible, i got obnoxiously drunk and ended up blacking out and then passing out on the bathroom floor and Alex took care of me all night. i was going to therapy at the time and one day on the day before my therapy day i had a huge art project due and had to pull an all nighter after pulling one the night before and he told me he would stay over and help me and we would take shifts and he’d shade stuff while i slept and id do whatever else i needed to do and i said that that was fine, when it was my turn to sleep i fell fast asleep and woke up to him sitting next to me on the bed crying, confused i got up and hugged him and he started rambling about how he couldnt do it and just losing his shit, he wasnt making any sense so i got him water and made him lay down and once he fell asleep i got up and did the rest of my project until 10 am the next day i went to class and then alex gave me a ride to therapy and picked me up after, he took me to my favorite restaurant in arizona and then we went to the batting cages and a few days later i ended things and he still stuck around for a while, even while i was talking to remmington, then i found out about the STD stuff and remington made me feel like trash and got a bunch of his friends to bag on me too. after that i dropped everyone, i didnt care, i took londons virginity and i didnt care about anything else and Molly and i started hanging out more and more and then one day i drove past the gilbert temple and parked in front of a house across the street from the mormon church and a lanky boy in a white sweatshirt and a dad hat hopped in the car with molly and i and i was a total bitch to him until we stopped to eat and he said his dad worked on heavy equipment and molly got distracted and i thought this boy was 20 and he was 17 and my heart swooned. that was the day i met you. You surprised the hell out of me. everytime i talked to you all the games and tricks and all the bullshit id been using stopped existing and i had butterflies and lost words and a smile i couldnt get rid of. and boy was it a whirlwind. and the world started and ended and spiraled and now we are here. wheres here? i have no fucking idea. all i know is that i want someone to see me, see my crazy and my annoying and my insecurities and see everything good and bad and love me, and for the past year ive met 3 boys that do and in my luck ive found so much heartache and so much dissapointment. because M i dont deserve any of you and if i could cut myself in half and give all my love to each of you i would, but i cant. and what do i do when you wake up and realize i was only worth the chase? what happens when its finally us and im not everything you figured i would be? and life isnt everything you thought it would be with me? what then?