#and yet you’re here dominating the conversation arguing with actual gay men over something that affects them

[musclesandhammering]

I could get cancelled for this immediately, but does anyone else get really irritated when you see a certain subset of the queer community inserting themselves into other subsets’ issues?

Like when cis gay people think they can speak for trans folks just because “well we’re all lgbt.”

Or like gay men thinking they can make misogynistic comments about lesbians and use the word d*ke etc just because “well we’re lgbt too”.

Or (and this is a big one lately) queer women inserting themselves into conversations that are about issues specific to queer men, and acting like they have exactly as much credibility in the argument because “well we’re just as lgbt as you.”

It’s just like… yeah we’re all queer. But each individual group is their own mini community, and they all have their own things that are specific to them, and if you aren’t in that exact demographic then you don’t have the experience necessary to add your input on those topics. And if you go ahead and shove your way into the conversation anyway, then you’re like… only 5% better than a homophobe. If that.

[spidermecc]

Unintentional love (Elu fake dating AU) Ch. 3 - Never again

Elu fake dating AU chapter 3 is up. As always, comments and feedback is very welcome. I hope you enjoy, let me know what you think. Find it on AO3 here.

”Oh my God Lucas, just pick a fucking shirt, they all look the same” Basile grunted.

The boys had spent the last hour in the same mens-wear shop, trying to find a new shirt for Lucas to wear to the party tomorrow.

”Honestly Lucas, you’re already dating the guy, why are you so stressed out?” Arthur asked sympathetically, while Yann picked up two shirts and headed for the dressing room.

”Fuck off, I just thought it would be nice to look good for once, it has nothing to do with him” Lucas said, not completely being able to hide his blush.

He had never been the type to care about what he was wearing, but even though he’d rather eat dirt than admit it, he was probably trying harder because he wanted to impress Eliott. He knew he didn’t stand a chance anyway, and Eliott was just helping him out to be friendly, probably because he didn’t have many friends at his new school, but he couldn’t help but want to look a bit different at the party, and maybe, just maybe impress Eliott a little bit.

“Fuck it, I’ll just wear the same shit I usually wear, let’s go get something to eat, I’m starving” he said, giving up on trying to find anything nice. Everything he’d tried on was either way too expensive or way too .. not him.

“FINALLY, I was beginning to think I’d have to eat the granola bar that’s been in my bag for four years” Basille exclaimed, almost running out of the shop.

“Yeah, let me just pay for this and we can get out” Yann said, fishing for his wallet in his bag.

After they exited the shop, they found a nice little café with cheap pizzas and beers to hang out at. It was nice to chill with the boys, they didn’t do this kind of stuff often, but when they did, Lucas always enjoyed it, even though they drove him mad half the time. This time was no exception. They’d all been grilling him about Eliott all week, and Lucas had successfully avoided the topic every time.

“So tell us something about this mystery guy” Yan said, while cutting his pizza with the shitty plastic knife and fork the café had given them.

“I already told you guys a thousand times, there’s not much to say. We’ve just hung out a few times and well, yeah we’re seeing each other I guess” Lucas answered, trying to avoid the topic yet again.

“Nu-uh” Basile said taking a sip of his beer, “you’re not getting off the hook so easy this time. Tell us something about him, I mean how did you manage to hook up with him? He looks like an actual model, if I was gay or bi or whatever, he’d be on my TO-DO list” he said laughing at his own joke.

Lucas couldn’t argue with that. Eliott did look like a model. His perfectly messy hair, his signature brown jacket, and those eyes.. those eyes that Lucas saw every time he closed his eyes, were out of this world. But what did Lucas actually know about Eliott? He knew that he was absolutely stunning, that he apparently was interested in the foyer, he had no social media (none that Lucas could find anyway) and that he drew weird looking rats in the library alone. It wasn’t much to go on, and if this whole pretending to date thing was going to work, he needed more. He pulled out his phone and found his newly added contact: Mon mec <3

Lucas: Tell me three things I should know about you

As soon as he hit the send button, he started worrying. That was a weird text to send out of the blue right? Shit Eliott didn’t even have his number, he should probably tell him who’s texting.

Lucas: This is Lucas btw. Lucas: Your pretend mec, haha

Read

Putain, what the hell was that mess? He’d sent three incoherent messages and not surprisingly Eliott left him on read. Fuck, was he even going to show up to the party tomorrow after Lucas sent him weird ass shit like that?

“Are you texting your boyfriend?” Arthur asked, mouth full of peperoni pizza, oil dripping down his chin.

“Nah, it’s Mika, he forgot his keys, so I have to head back, see you guys tomorrow” he said, desperate to get out of there, go home and bang his head against the wall until brain cells, that he obviously didn’t have, magically started to appear.

“Okay, see you tomorrow man, can’t wait to meet Eliott” Yann said, with such an honest smile that it broke Lucas’ heart. He really hated lying to his friends, especially Yann.

“Yeah, he can’t wait to meet you guys either” he answered, putting on his scarf, feeling like an absolutely horrible friend.

____

When he finally got home he threw himself on the bed and yanked his phone out of his pocket. Still no answer from Eliott. Of course not, why would he answer such silly messages from a complete stranger? While Lucas was contemplating how to tell the boys that Eliott would not attend the party tomorrow, without letting them know that he’d been lying he heard a pling.

Eliott: Phew, you just go straight to the personal questions, huh Lucas?

Shit, he’d offended Eliott. Of course he had. He could have at least started off with a ‘hey’ or a ‘thanks for agreeing to be my pretend boyfriend and going to a party with a bunch of people you don’t know’.

Lucas: I’m so sorry, I know that was totally out of the blue and weird

Eliott: Hahah, I’m kidding Lucas.

Lucas felt a weight lift off his chest. So Eliott wasn’t upset with him?

Eliott: I’ve actually just spent the last hour thinking of a good answer and I think I have it, are you ready?

Lucas: I’m ready, hit me

His heart starting racing out of nowhere. The prospect of getting to know Eliott, even if it was just three facts, had him sitting on the edge of his bed, tapping his foot on the floor in pure anticipation.

Eliott: 1. My spirit animal is a raccoon. 2. My favorite music is dubstep. 3. You’ll have to earn the third.

Lucas read and reread the message for what might have been ten times. Dubstep? Really? How was this mystery guy, who looked and talked like an actual angel, into freaking dubstep? Also, a spirit animal? Lucas had never even considered what his might be, but God, Eliott was an actual dork.

Lucas: How do I earn the third?

Eliott: I’m sure you’ll figure something out.

Shit, was Eliott flirting with him, or was Lucas just imagining things? He decided not to dwell on it and continued tapping on his phone, forming a response quickly, so Eliott didn’t think he’d left him on read.

Lucas: So those rats with masks on them that you were drawing in the library were actually raccoons?

Eliott: RATS?! Wow Lucas, you’re already breaking my heart and we’ve only been dating for a week.

His heart started racing. He felt kind of sorry for teasing Eliott about his drawings, but he couldn’t help himself. He wondered if Eliott also had a huge grin plastered on his face right now, because Lucas sure as shit did.

Lucas: I’m a real heartbreaker, sorry

Eliott: Yeah, I noticed at the bus stop, no mercy huh? Eliott: So it’s your turn now, no?

The grin that had been dominating his face during the entire conversation fell as soon as he saw the message. Eliott had probably, maybe, meant it as a joke, but the prospect of Eliott thinking he was cold hearted, made him want to cry.

Lucas: Actually, I’ve got to go, I have a ton of homework. See you tomorrow at the party.

Eliott: Okay, see you tomorrow.

He threw his phone on the other side of the bed and buried his face in his pillows. He definitely wasn’t ready for tomorrow.

______

Lucas was standing in front of the bathroom mirror trying to tame his hair. He’d been in need of a haircut for a while now, but he barely had money to pay the rent, so spending money on a haircut was the furthest from his mind, when Mika barged in. “Looking good kitten, meeting up with your new man?” he said, toying with Lucas’ hair. “Yeah, we’re going to a party tonight” he answered, swatting away Mikas hands. “Bring him over to the apartment some time, I have to approve before you take the next step you know” he said, still playing with Lucas’ hair, not getting the hint. “Need to see what his intentions are with our little kitten” he continued, laughing. “Gosh, can you please fuck off Mika, the last thing I need is you scaring him away with your sex talk” Lucas answered, starting to get slightly annoyed. “Gee always so touchy, you know you have to loosen up a bit, or you’ll never get any dick” he exclaimed, finally pulling his hands away in defeat. “Have fun, remember to use a condom” he finished with a wink, leaving Lucas’ hair in a worse state than it was to begin with.

As soon as Lucas left the apartment he regretted not bringing his scarf. The cool night air was already starting to sting, and he could feel his ears starting to cramp from the cold. He’d agreed to meet Eliott halfway, so they could arrive together, making the whole thing seem more believable.

“Salut” he heard a voice from behind. There he was, Eliott Demaury in all his glory. He looked stunning as always, wearing a white t-shirt, a skin tight leather jacket and skinny denim jeans, showing off his perfect figure. Lucas was pretty sure his mouth was starting to water, but he tried not to dwell too much on it. “Salut” he answered, trying to sound nonchalant, and probably failing miserably. “Let’s go” Eliott said as he started walking. Lucas was struggling to keep up, seeing as Eliott’s legs were much longer than his, almost jogging next to the taller boy.

As they walked, it almost felt like they’d known each other for ages. Lucas kept joking about the raccoon drawings, while Eliott dramatically clutched his chest, as if Lucas was breaking his heart all over again. They talked about music, which subjects they liked and disliked, which movies they liked (Eliott’s favorite was Titanic, how cliché), until they finally circled back to the drawings.   “You know for someone who looks so innocent, you sure can be a sarcastic little shit” Eliott laughed, after Lucas, once again, had made fun of the drawings. “I’m sorry. And I don’t look innocent” he said, another laugh escaping him. “Yeah you do. You’re short but spikey” Eliott said continuing “you know what you remind me of?” “What?” Lucas said, looking up at the taller boy, clinging on to every word he said. “A hedgehog” he said, bursting into giggles. “A what?! I do NOT look like a hedgehog” Lucas exclaimed, trying to look upset, but he was pretty sure the huge ass grin on his face gave him away. “Whatever you say, but I’m pretty sure that a hedgehog is your spirit animal” Eliott said, lightly puffing Lucas shoulder. Lucas couldn’t help but smile at how cute Eliott looked when he was smiling and joking and he wished that they could just keep walking for hours, talking and laughing.

As they reached the apartment, Eliott swung his arm around Lucas, who involuntarily flinched. “Calm down, it’s just for show right?” Eliott said, seemingly amused by the expression on Lucas’ face. “Yeah, sorry” he answered, staring down at the ground. As soon as they entered the smoke filled apartment, they were greeted with his loud friends. “LUCAAAAAAS” Basille screamed, trying to drown out the music. Yann shook Eliott’s hand, introducing himself as Lucas’ best friend, and Lucas felt a pang of guilt wash over him again. He really hated lying to his friends.

After the boys had introduced themselves, they all went out onto the balcony, where Arthur was trying to roll a joint, but failing miserably, having drunken one beer too many. “Here, let me” Eliott said, reaching out and taking the paper and weed from Arthurs trembling hands. “Damn, good looking and good with his hands, what a catch Lucas” Basile exclaimed, and Lucas had a sudden urge to throw him over the balcony. “I’m the one who got lucky” Eliott said with a wink, not taking his eyes off Lucas. He couldn’t help think of, how in another universe, they were actually dating, and he was happy and contempt with his friends and his gorgeous boyfriend getting along. But right here, right now, it all felt a little bit too much, and Eliott’s gaze made him feel sad about all the things he wished he could have but didn’t.

“It’s getting pretty cold, I think I’m going to head inside” Lucas said, grabbing his beer from the balcony floor. “I’ll go with you, here you go” Eliott said handing over the joint to Arthur, “nice to meet you guys, we’ll catch up later” he continued as he swung his arm around Lucas, and opened the balcony door for him. They had only been doing this for an hour or so, but it was already proving very difficult for Lucas to handle it. Every move Eliott made, seemed effortless and natural, he almost let himself believe for a second that they weren’t pretending.

They headed inside, and got comfortable on a couch in the corner. “Your friends are cool” Eliott said, taking a sip of his beer. “Yeah they’re great, they can be a pain in the ass, but they’re really the best friends a guy could wish for” Lucas answered honestly. “I’m jealous of you, you know” Eliott said, staring intensely at Lucas. “Huh?” “You have these great friends, and I can tell how much they care about you just by the way they were trying to impress me, it’s adorable” Eliott said, his smile dropping faintly. “I’m sure your friends are great as well” he answered, trying to cheer Eliott up, desperate to see him smile again. “Yeah, something like that” he said, putting the beer bottle to his mouth, almost finishing it in one sip. “I’m gonna get another one, can I get you anything mon mec?” he asked a playful smile lingering on his lips. “No I’m good, thanks” Lucas said, a faint blush appearing.

Eliott had been gone for almost twenty minutes and Lucas was starting to get worried. As he was getting up to look for him, a guy came over and sat down next to him. Lucas looked at him, and got the feeling he’d seen the guy before, but he couldn’t quite make him out. He had long blond hair, tied up in a tight bun, wearing a navy blue shirt and a silver necklace around his neck. “Salut, I’m Curtis” he said, handing Lucas a new beer. “Salut, Lucas” he answered, still scanning the room for Eliott. “Why do I get the feeling that I’ve seen you before?” he asked, confirming Lucas’ suspicion that he looked familiar. “I’m not sure, but I think I’ve seen you before as well” he answered, not fully committing to the conversation, still concerned about Eliott’s whereabouts. “I’m friends with Idriss, maybe you know Imane?” the guy said, scanning Lucas’ face, trying to catch his eye. “Are you looking for someone?” he finally asked. “Yeah sorry, I’m looking for my uh.. my-my boyfriend, Eliott” Lucas said, feeling awkward saying the lie out loud to a stranger. “Eliott is your boyfriend?” the guy asked, looking surprised. “Yeah, uhm why- do you know him?” Lucas answered, nervous that he’d overstepped, by calling Eliott his boyfriend to someone who might actually know him. “I don’t know him personally, but Idriss mentioned him a few times” he said, continuing “but uhm I saw Eliott on my way over here. He went into a room with Lucille, his ex-girlfriend” he said, looking slightly uncomfortable. “His what?” Lucas asked, his heart stopping for a few seconds. Eliott had an ex-girlfriend? Here at the party? Why hadn’t he told him? “Yeah, I recognized her from some photos Idriss showed me of them a while back” Curtis continued. Lucas could feel the heat rising to his face. He felt like he’d been completely fucked over. If Eliott wanted to hang out with his ex, which probably wasn’t an ex anymore if they’d spent such a long time alone in a room, he could have just told him.

“Hey, come on, I’m sure they’re just talking” Curtis said, trying to cheer Lucas up, who was now busy fiddling with the sticker on his beer, trying to hold the tears at bay. Why was he so upset? Eliott had upheld his part of the deal, he’d met his friends as Lucas had asked, so he probably thought it was done and over with. “I have an idea, let’s get some shots huh?” the blonde said, getting up and pulling Lucas up with him, dragging him into the kitchen.

Ten minutes and five shots later, Lucas was absolutely fucked. His vision was blury and he could feel himself babbling, not sure what words were coming out of his mouth, but apparently Curtis, who hadn’t stopped laughing for two whole minutes, found it very entertaining. “Can I tell you a secret” Lucas said leaning into Curtis, almost whispering in his ear. “Yeah, shoot” “Eliott and I aren’t actually dating” he said bursting out on laughter. It all seemed so funny and stupid right now. They hadn’t even been able to keep up the act for one night before Eliott was off with his ex and Lucas was spilling the secret to strange guys. “Come again?” Curtis said, seemingly confused. “Yeah, we’re just pretending, it’s aaaaaall fun and games” Lucas continued, still laughing like a maniac. “But why?” “Was trying” he was literally struggling for air, it all seemed so silly right now, he couldn’t stop laughing, “to get rid of a girl” he finally managed, taking another shot, almost spitting it out in the process, not being able to contain his laughter. “Wow, that’s.. that’s a relief” Curtis finally said. “Huh?” Lucas had finally stopped laughing and looked at Curtis, for the first time tonight he noticed how he was actually quite handsome. Not Lucas’ type at all, blondes just weren’t his thing, but he was definitely good-looking. “That means that I get to ask you out, what do you say” Curtis said, flashing a smile at Lucas. Lucas wasn’t sure what was happening, but he found himself giggling “suuuuure thing” he managed, between giggles. He was definitely too drunk, because this guy couldn’t actually just have asked him out right? And what had he answered? He suddenly couldn’t remember anything. But before he had time to process what just happened, and what he’d said, he felt his stomach turning. Without a word, he ran to the bathroom, knocking over some girl in the process, desperate to reach the toilet before he spilled his insides all over the floor.

After five minutes, Lucas had thrown up everything he’d drank all night and probably all of his meals the past five days. He managed to get up and wash his mouth and face, and got out of the bathroom, desperately looking for his jacket. He needed air, he needed to get out of here, when a hand touched his shoulders. “Eliott?” he said turning around, not able to hide his disappointment when he saw the blonde guy before him. “Hey are you okay? You just ran away, and locked yourself inside the bathroom, I was getting worried” “Yeah I’m f-fine” he managed “have you seen Eliott?” “He left with Lucille, I think” Curtis said, not meeting Lucas’ eyes. “Oh.. of-c-of course.. I should go as well” “Want me to walk you home?” Curtis asked, hand still on Lucas’ shoulder. “No, no, I’m good, I’ll see you later yeah?” he said, grabbing his coat from the couch and practically sprinting out of the apartment.

He wasn’t sure how or when he got home, but he finally managed to get to the apartment and throw himself on the bed, not bothering to take off his clothes. ‘Never drinking again’, he thought to himself, closing his eyes, trying to will the room not to spin, never again.

[theliberaltony]

via Politics – FiveThirtyEight

Welcome to Political Confessional, a column about the views that Americans are scared to share with their friends and neighbors. If you have a political belief that you’re willing to share with us, fill out this form — we might get in touch.

This week, we spoke with Chris, a 28-year old black man living in Texas who works in media. Chris originally wrote: “I think Democrats should actively pursue a European-style equilibrium/compromise on abortion: first trimester abortions are state subsidized and easy to obtain, everything else is pretty restrictive and hard to access.” The position was controversial, Chris said, because: “I’m a guy and I’m never going to have to choose about abortion, so I should probably shut up about it. And finally because, listen, I’m a queer black man. I don’t want my interests as part of this coalition to get sold out or compromised on. So who am I to try to sell out or compromise women’s interests in this coalition?”

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

Clare Malone: Tell me your thought process on this position. How did you get to it?

Chris: I think it’s mostly because I grew up in Texas in a very conservative, super pro-life school with a lot of people who were very aggressively — and it seemed to me sincerely — pro-life. I went to college in New York and actually talked to people and learned some things and said, ‘Oh, no, actually that position is dumb and if you read books, including the bible, the whole idea that life begins at conception is not really supported by anything.’ And I learned that many embryos don’t actually implant in the womb, so the entire premise of the hard core pro-life position doesn’t make any sense.

But I guess I just always had the memory that this is one issue where at least some of the people on the right were arguing in good faith and not just like, ‘No, we don’t like women.’ It seemed like, OK, they’re negotiating in good faith and perhaps there are people who care about other people and, in part, base their political positions on caring about other people. Perhaps they would be more inclined to move to the left if it were not for this one issue that they see as a major moral sticking point.

CM: Would you call yourself pro-life or pro-choice?

Chris: Definitely would call myself pro-choice.

CM: Do you talk with people in Texas about abortion?

I do. I have one good friend who grew up in a very conservative environment and then moved left. He’s one of those people who are really pro-life but the GOP is so terrible he just decided to compromise on that position and go ahead and join the Democrats, despite the fact that he doesn’t like that one policy position.

CM: Your talk about coalition building was what caught my eye. Who are you hoping to win back with this compromise?

Chris: In theory, I think a lot about the people I grew up with.

CM: What are the demographics of the people you grew up with?

Chris: It was upper-middle-class white people in a ritzy suburb of Dallas, which is where I was in school. They seemed like sweet people and I understand that some of them were voting because they are, lord knows, racist and sexist and xenophobic and all that. I guess I’m thinking about whether there’s a viable distinction between socially conservative and culturally conservative voters. I’m thinking about social conservative voters.

CM: When you’re thinking about ways to win back those people you grew up with, are you thinking that Democrats should soften on identity politics issues?

Chris: I think that Democrats should actually not let up on identity politics, but rather address more of the identities, including some of the identity groups that we think of as dominant. That includes explicitly talking about white people’s interests and Christians’ interests and men’s interests — consciously talking about everyone’s identity politics. Saying, ‘OK, well we want men in our group and here’s some issues that men are concerned about and here are some issues that white people are concerned about — and here is how we’re going to make sure that we still respect some of these cultural totems, whatever they are. And here are the ways we’re going to try to respect those even as we try to make material conditions better for other groups of people.’

CM: Do you think that would create tension in the Democratic Party, saying here’s white identity and here are the issues we’re going to attach to it, and here’s black identity and here are the issues we’re going to attach to it? What happens if the two come to loggerheads?

Chris: I think that’s the whole point. That’s the tension that’s already in the Democratic coalition. It’s not like there’s not a whole lot of white people and even culturally conservative white people who still vote for Democrats. So I think it’s making the tension explicit rather than letting it simmer in the background until someone offers racial resentment to white people.

CM: So everyone should be more frank, basically?

Chris: Yes. More frank, more direct and also with the intention of trying to prove that Democrats are on the side of people who a lot of people don’t think they’re on the side of.

CM: Have you talked about this compromise position on first trimester abortions with anyone yet?

Chris: Not really, and I know I probably should. It’s something that I wish was in the policy discourse. But, no, I don’t bring it up. It’s not really my place. I’m not a woman. I don’t necessarily want a bunch of white people to be over here like, ‘The compromise that is popular is for the president to say [former NFL quarterback Colin] Kaepernick is bad but give funding for housing for black people.’ That would be a compromise that would be fairly popular but I would totally roll my eyes at some white person telling me that.

CM: Are there other issues that you as a black man, a queer person, would be OK with compromise on?

Chris: I’m less upset about the whole bakers won’t bake cakes for gay weddings thing than a lot of people are. And I think you need protections and I understand it as a slippery slope type thing. But if they don’t want to bake cakes …

CM: How would you answer the argument that most women get their abortions in the first trimester, and many second trimester abortions happen because a fetus is non-viable or there are medical problems?

Chris: I think my cynical answer is that that’s kind of the point of the policy [Chris proposes]. If you make a situation where you’re protecting most of the abortions that are happening anyway in exchange for regulating a much smaller number of abortions, I think in a lot of ways you would end up with a better solution for women in red states who already have their abortions regulated to an absurd degree.

CM: Are you personally uncomfortable with second trimester abortion?

Chris: I want to say ‘no.’ Like, if my friend told me she had an abortion and she was six months into her pregnancy, I would say, ‘I’m so sorry that happened.’ Most people don’t like getting abortions. I’d like to think that if I could get pregnant I wouldn’t get an abortion in the second or third trimester unless it was like, I’m going to die or the baby’s going to die — I’d like to think that personally.

But the whole point is I’m never going to make that choice personally. If I didn’t realize I was pregnant, and maybe there were a bunch of hoops to jump through because I live in Texas, and I couldn’t get to the abortion clinic until I was six months pregnant — I have no idea what choice I would make. So yeah, I think I am a little squeamish about it.

CM: How often have you talked to women about abortion on a personal decision level?

Chris: Almost never! I’ve had a lot of political conversations about abortion. Surely some of my friends have had abortions but we’ve never talked about it.

CM: How would you respond to people who will read this and say, ‘this person is a minority, a person who identifies as queer, how could he be so unsympathetic in his politics to people who are concerned about the regulation of their personage?’

Chris: I’m giving the most boring answers but the answer is that I don’t have an answer for you! The whole reason I hold this position is not because I hold a moral opinion. It’s not because I think that, morally speaking, anyone should have an opinion on what a woman does with her uterus ever. But you’re always willing to compromise on an issue when you know people who agree on nine things out of 10 but No. 10 is their sticking point. I think there are a lot of people where their No. 10 sticking point is gay marriage, their sticking point is NFL protests and a bunch of other issues I do care about …

CM: But you’d be willing to compromise on them too?

Chris: If there was a real benefit then yeah, but I wouldn’t be happy about it. I would be like, ‘this is disgusting,’ but I would also be like, ‘This is politics and you compromise on the right thing to get a better thing than you would have gotten otherwise.’

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Jealousy Rant

Hello you Rotten Folks,

Due to real life stuff I have been posting less frequently but in particular that long-form stuff. So have this big olde rant on jealousy in BL I may or may not edit more, and may or may not make into audio.

Triggers: for discussion on abusive behavior including physical violence, stalking, controlling behavior, and sexual assault.

Why jealousy is a bad trope:

1.)    It’s toxic

2.)    It’s non-conflict

3.)    It doesn’t actually deal with the roots of jealousy

Are you a fan of Fap’s furious fujoshi fumes, but want a meta-analysis of the genre as a whole instead of specific titles?

Oh no it seems literally no one is asking for that…no one except Faps and FUCK YOU I DO WHAT I WANT HAHA!

So that brings me to “Trouble with Tropes” or heh heh TROUPLES!

Anybody who’s ANY fan of romance has had to stare into the unrelenting green eyes of this trouple.  I speak of no other than Jealousy.  While I think some of what I’m going to say will resonate with how jealousy is used in fiction on a whole, I’m going to focus on how it’s used in BL…which I feel is a very potent and distilled version of it. Also heaven forbid I read about anything beyond nasty gay tonguings.

What better place to start than What IS jealousy?

Jealousy can cover a variety of topics but in the case of romance here I will be talking specifically about romantic and sexual jealousy.

Dictionary.com states that - feeling or showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship.

Seems to be the one best suited for a romance but I’d argue that the definition that suits BL’s brand of jealousy is more like

fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions.

Why do I say this?

Well because sometimes they literally say their partner is a possession.  And even if not outright stated, it is heavily implied in the script.

(examples: Cute Devil + lamb project + Radical blood monster + Others)

There’s also the fact that very rarely is infidelity even considered a legitimate thing that would occur. As I said, the jealousy in BL is very, very POTENT and therefore has escalated beyond a suspicion of COULD BE UNFAITHFUL to a PERSON IS MY PROPERTY AND MY PROPERTY IS NOT ALLOWED TO INTERACT WITH OTHER HUMANS!  

 Getting real

Before I start ripping through this topic like a repressed teenage boy rips through a heavily populated street in Grand theft Auto… allow me to say that jealousy is a valid emotion to experience.  When I rip on this trope it is not my intention to invalidate people who do struggle with jealousy in their relationships.  However if you experience an emotion it doesn’t give you carte blanche to behave in any way you please.   It’s the same as regular old anger.  It’s normal to be angry if a partner forgets to let the dog out so the dog pees on the rug.  However beating the shit out of that partner is NOT the right way to handle the forgetfulness or your own anger.  Same with jealousy, it’s not unusual to get jealous of someone close to their partner. However that person responding to that with physically removing them, and screaming threats at them is SUPER NOT OKAY!  Yet that is not uncommon in BL.

One must also maintain an acceptable amount of jealousy in order to maintain a healthy relationship.   It’s not wrong to feel really angry or sad when you’re jealous…but if you get these feelings ALL THE TIME and due to things that are not a threat to your relationship, then that’s something to manage rather than something to blame on your partner.  Capice?

TOXIC

The main problem is that the jealousy that is common in BL is HELLA TOXIC! Jealousy is regularly tied to deeper issues of personal insecurity yet the fact there is any kind of insecurity is very rarely mentioned in the text or even subtext of the story.  Instead of this becoming a problem that one has to deal with on a personal level, it becomes a problem of the other having to obtain unrealistic standards.  Sometimes the source of the jealousy is not a feasible such as a TODDLER NEPHEW or the fact that strangers GLANCE AT THEM when in public and sometimes the source of the jealousy isn’t even human. I have seen characters throw jealousy tantrums over pets, work (school or career orientated), and even the vague concept of a SPORT!    So if you’re trying to avoid jealousy in a BL make sure you don’t go to school, don’t have a job, don’t own pets, don’t have family, don’t go out in public, and DEAR GOD don’t have hobbies either!  Woah faps those things aren’t humans so it’s not like romantic or sexual jealousy.  That’s a fair point…but the thing is the romantic/sexual jealousy functions the exact same way in those non-sexual/romantic scenarios.  HOW COULD THAT BE???? Well the jealousy that we see here is in part about being left out when a partner does other things but is in large part about dominance.  You got no other man to posture against? Well then just posture at a child, a puppy, or at a basketball why not?

Not only does jealousy crop up to unreasonable situations, an unreasonable amount of time (I’d estimate it occurs in 80% of BL mangas) but the way it’s handled is usually problematic as well.  

The most common response I’ve seen to jealousy is the seme grabbing the uke by the wrist, dragging him away from the source of jealousy, pinning him to a wall, explaining that the source of jealousy is bad for the uke or that the uke is behaving poorly/stupidly by simply interacting with the source of jealousy, and they a fit of forceful jealousy induced make-outs or sex occurs that range from consensual to downright very non-consensual.  Sometimes the uke will protest this treatment or the characterization of the jealousy fodder but this is pointless because it doesn’t become a conversation.  It is simply about the seme controlling the uke and asserting his dominance.  

Stalking is also extremely common if there is suspected jealousy.   Troubling jealousy behavior can range from as tame as going through someone’s phone without permission to drugging, kidnapping, and nearly killing a partner for one of these trespasses.

HEY HEY HEY NOW! You man-hater! Ukes can be super creepy jealous too! …but ukes are men too… THAT’S NOT THE POINT! You’re acting as if only dominant partners experience jealousy!

No, no, no, you’re right. Ukes get jealous too and sometimes to the same batty degree.  Yet, as a whole, uke jealousy tends to be less common and less destructive than jealousy of the seme variety.   The most common situation where an uke gets jealous of what a seme is doing is, the uke is pushed into a corner to admit he’s jealous.  The seme will reassure the uke he’s misunderstood and they make up.   On one hand you can argue that this is a much healthier way to settle a jealousy problem. On another hand you may view this as something of a double standard.  

If the uke’s jealous…it’s the uke’s fault and it’s nothing to worry about.  If the seme’s jealous...it’s the uke’s fault and it’s deadly serious.

This double standard even extends into how we view violent reactions for either side.  If a seme hits an uke for a trespass it will usually be framed as serious and scary.  If the uke hits the seme for a trespass it will usually be framed as a silly, and harmless outburst of tsundereness.

…Yes that’s right, the patriarchal set up of the seme/uke dynamic doesn’t just take a shit on ukes….though 9 times out of 10 it’s the ukes that do get the short end of the stick here.

Okay but let’s get the root of the problem…why is jealousy used?

If you’re a person who is not a bitter feminist killjoy who says aggravating SJW shit like, “TOXIC MONOGOMY CULTURE OPRRESSES MY GENDER NEUTRAL GENITLES” you may argue that jealousy is romantic.  I personally don’t think it is, but you’re fully allowed to view jealousy, as a concept, as a touching display of vulnerability and investment in a relationship.

However if you’re a cynical over-thinking fujoshi brimming with resentment to the genre you’ve mistakeningly dedicated your free time to, you may say the frequent use of jealousy is simply because it’s EASY WRITING!

It’s handy throw-away drama you can use in an established relationship that won’t have deeper ramifications for the relationship even if it’s on-going.  You can solve this pretty easily at any given point or decide to reintroduce it despite it previously being wrapped up.  You can use this almost TOTALLY regardless of either of the characters’ personalities or back stories.   It’s good for a quick antagonist, or to tantalize fans with a different flavor of sexual tension.  This is usually dependent on the gender of the jealousy fodder.

Ugh I’ve heard you use the term ~jealousy fodder~ like a billion times.  Why do you call it that?  

Because these characters rarely have anything going for them besides the fact they’re the conflict du-jour.  You’d be hard pressed to learn an interest of the fodder’s outside of “TRYING TO BANG PROTAG!” and they rarely do anything else in the story besides create this shallow drama.  Sometimes the jealousy drama is totally auxiliary to the main conflict of the story to boot. If you’re lucky and ONLY if you’re lucky the fodder will be shuffled into another couple.  Sometimes you won’t even see this jealousy used in a love triangle way.  It’s usually pretty obvious from the beginning that the protag is going to choose even if the other option is an objectively better person and choice for them.

In my years of reading BL I have only encountered 2 instances of a character being jealous and the other character ACTUALLY cheats on him. (Zetsuai Bronze and Totally Captivated.) Now people have different standards of what “cheating” is.  Some goes so far as to say that “Thinking about cheating” is CHEATING.  Even by that (pretty ridged standard) I would still say only the above.

Despite this low, low number, I see jealousy used in manga 80% of the time.  Are you picking up what I’m putting down here?  A breach of actual trust is not actually going to happen…99.99% of the time.  Oh but what if the jealousy is something a character has to work through to feel less anxious?  Excellent idea! I’ve seen that approach FUCKING ONCE! (Café Latte Rhapsody) So if there is no actual threat of trust breaching and it’s not something either of them has to work through on a mental or emotional level….WHAT KIND OF CONFLICT IS THAT?

NON-FUCKING-CONFLICT IS WHAT!

I’d be much more entertained by staring into my own fucking bellybutton….but faps obviously you would since you navel-gaze as if you have a gemstone there.  IF I BELIEVE HARD ENOUGH I’LL BECOME I CRYSTAL GEM OKAY!?!?!?!?

Eh-hem!

But you will see jealousy commonly used in one instance of actually plot important drama.  And that is the ever, important, cementing of a couple’s relationship.   I call the use of jealousy in this instance:

TOY TRUCK CONSUMATION

Da fuck is that?  Toy truck consummation is a character will only realize he truly cares romantically for someone because he experiences jealousy. He didn’t want that toy truck until somebody else was going to play with it.  Thankfully I don’t see this often outside of high school settings.  A grown-ass man who is that fucking blind to his own feelings and childish enough to throw a tantrum out of it, can fuck RIGHT OFF! ….Though honestly teenagers behaving that way is still deeply shitty.

This is not an auspicious beginning to a loving relationship, if it’s formulated over single-mindedly hating a 3rd party, a 3rd party that is typically on good-terms with the target of affection.  So, a relationship we’re supposed to root for is predicated on a dude swooping in and ripping a valued person away from them for entirely selfish reasons.  I wouldn’t consider it dreamy if a seme threw an uke’s beloved play station 4 out the window because it holds the ukes attention sometimes.  I consider it even less dreamy when it’s something even more valued like yanno a friend.  (Though of course this can happen from the uke to the seme as well.) While sometimes, this individual is romantically interested in one of our leads…I’d say a good half the time if not more…they’re not at all.  

“Why are you losing your mind over someone, you’re not dating, hanging out with their friend? Even if the friend very obviously has 0 romantic or sexual interest in them?  Is it because you’re an anal fungus that causes people to shit their pants for no reason?  It’s probably because you’re a parasitic ass mushroom that makes people poop uncontrollably”

This, also, is pretty damn lazy.  Writing someone coming to grips with a difficult emotion is hard in itself. Writers will usually use 3rd parties to help bounce information back to a struggling individual to help give them insight.  And that can be used in this case as well!  Interacting with another couple, talking to someone who’s an out LGBTQ person, or even just a friend or relative that can relate!  However all of that is harder to pull off as melodramatically as a petty fuck-lord gut-punching a jealousy fodder out of the blue.  Hoo boy sonny! We should have a parade in his honor cause golly isn’t that the way to handle your problems!

But what if the jealousy fodder was really after them?

Then I would say the story may feature the trope….

Irrational jealousy magiced into rational jealousy!

What I mean is that there is a dominant that appears to be irrationally jealous.  There is no indication in the text the jealousy fodder is not on the up and up and the dominant is not privy to classified documents that make him secretly suspicious.  However turns out the harmless friend, acquaintance, co-worker, boss, mail man etc is actually a heartless rapist just trying to lower the submissive’s guard.  

This trope makes me foam at the mouth because not only is it cheap, cliché, and annoying but it justifies abusive behavior.  It states that No matter what crazy shit that lunatic boyfriend of yours spouts he’s fucking infallible.  If he tells you that the atmosphere has become poisonous to you and the only breathable air is in his testicles, you better clamp down on that cocktail wiener like a pit-bull because any damn self-serving nonsense he spews must be followed to the fucking letter.  Why? Because he is a mind-reader, a genius, and a clairvoyant with flawless judgment by nature of being born a DOMINANT MAN! TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

May I just add this is not a trope specific to BL but a trope that makes me want to drink into a stupor each time I see it.

Well if you’re so fucking relationship savy, how would you handle jealousy in stories huh!?

…By actually tackling the causes of jealousy which are very rarely acknowledged in BL.  As far as I can tell there are 3 major roots of jealousy.

1.)    Insecurity – I am not a good enough partner so my significant other is going to drop me as soon as they find somebody better.

2.)    Distrust – My partner does not respect our monogamous agreement and will sleep with other people if they can get away with it.

3.)    Missing out -  I feel left out if my partner is doing something without me.

I have seen all three roots play a role in fictional jealousy outbursts and they’re usually tied intimately together.  However the 1st two are the keys here.

Mistrust is an interesting situation because 99% of the time the mistrust is not that the partner will sleep around given the chance.  However the mistrust is shown as more of a, “I cannot trust my partner to avoid situations where they’ll be sexually assaulted.”

While this is framed as a jealousy issue at times, I don’t think it should.  Why?  If a character is sexually assaulted it is NOT the victims fault.   But haha welcome to the 50 foot deep pit of backwards sexual politics that is BL. YOU’RE WELCOME!

Insecurity plays a large role in BL jealousy…but I have only seen it addressed directly as a failing of personal confidence once. (Café Latte Rhapsody)

Most of the time characters that are subtextualy highly insecure are portrayed as powerful and that their jealousy tantrums is just ~how strong men act~ rather than ~they obviously hate themselves and fear their partner would find someone better.~  

I’ll be quite frank, a lot of the time…they’re correct the uke could do a lot better than the jerkass seme they’re saddled with.  However, instead of changing their negative behavior for the better they just control the uke’s every movements which is yanno not doing the uke OR the seme any favors. Sometimes this functions realistically in a story like in Space Between where Riki is an unwilling sex slave and Iason keeps him under his thumb.  However the majority of them treat this like a normal and healthy relationship…but

Wouldn’t it be better if one is not constantly wracked with fear over their partner leaving them?

Wouldn’t it be better if the other can have friends and leave the house?

I’m not saying the two can’t struggle with issues of jealousy…but I mean…can’t we treat jealousy like something they work on together instead of just,

“I can’t believe you talked to them! I DIDN’T MEAN TO!”

That sound clip? Just play it on loop

“WELP LET’S HAVE THIS SAME EXACT PISSING CONTEST FOR THE 90TH FUCKING TIME!  IT’S NOT GOING TO BE DIFFERENT NEXT TIME BECAUSE WE’RE NOT GOING TO TREAT IT LIKE ADULTS WOULD!”

 So the problem with jealousy as a trope in romance and BL fiction is thus:

1.)    It’s toxic, doesn’t treat it as toxic, and sometimes justifies the toxicity.

2.)    It’s pathetic, cliché, non-conflict

3.)    It doesn’t really even understand what jealousy is.