#and yet they still manage to be the dumbest creatures in the universe

[ineffable-baker-street]

one of my FAVOURITE interactions is when aziraphale is possessing madam tracy, because when aziraphale sees crowley he says his name in the most loving, thankful and tender voice i have ever heard, communicating ten thousand words at once, the most important ones being i am so glad you're here.

and then crowley replies in a would-be casual voice "hey aziraphale! see you found a ride." but its so familiar, and immediately knowledgeable?? like crowley has just arrived but he already knows everything about the situation, and i love it so much because everyone else is still so behind, trying desperately to figure out what's going on. crowley and aziraphale though? they're there side by side knowing exactly what the other knows, no explanation or catching up required.

and then of course:

"nice dress, suits you"

"ahh! 🥰 this young man won't let us in"

"leave it to me"

the way they lean into each other??? the softness in aziraphale's voice as he says one little sentence knowing that he can count on crowley to fix it for him. and then crowley leaning and softly promising that he'll do this bit, don't even worry about it angel.

everything is just so reminiscent of an older couple who know each other inside and out, can always rely on each other, and can communicate their feelings and the situation with a half glance alone

[prospitdaydreamer]

For u anon <3

HOOOOOOO ok i’m trying to gather all my thoughts

Ok so fair warning, a lot of these stories stem from like... 5th grade and some are revamped to not be as bad, but others I’m STILL working on so... it’s gonna be a littlw rough and they’re all rlly a little WIP (especially since I never finished Naruto.... so like a lot of the characters backstory might clash with the lore. But tbh these character’s entire existence clashes with the lore in the first place so rlly?? W/e i guess)

Ok ok here we go, i’m gonna put it under a readmore so I’m not assaulting everyone’s dash.

Maku - (This is my most developed oc out of all, mostly because she’s my fave lmao) So, Maku is a runaway from her clan (I don’t have a clan name yet, but it’s gonna do smthn with cats lmao). Maku is the daughter of the head of the clan, so she was raised as a princess and the heir to the throne. However, her parents are not... great :/ They put a lot of responsibility and pressure on her, while her younger sister got to get off shinobi training early and hang with her friends. Despite this, she didn’t hold resentment for her sister and loved her very much, but she grew distant from her parents. Not long before her coronation, she actually ended up running away after having a breakdown from the pressure. She had no plan where to go or any money, but she felt finally free. Until she met Miyuka, who tried to sacrifice her to Jashin. She was able to make a deal that if she let her live, she’d help her find sacrifices. Somehow they became friends through that. They joined the Akatsuki together. I’ll definitely post more about her soon I’m sure!

Her Akatsuki partner is Miyuka, of course.

She got paired with Kakuzu. Their relationship is a very quiet one, but she doesn’t mind. She’s not like Miyuka, who is very touchy-feely. She just wants a relationship built on mutual respect. She treasures the nights where she’s curled up and warm next to him, while he reads whatever book he’s reading.

Special abilities and weapons: She inherited her clan’s kekkei Genkai. She’s able to transform into any species of feline, but the bigger the species, the more chakra it uses. As long as she’s able to maintain the form of the feline, she also gets it’s abilities ( e.g. if she’s a cheetah, she gets speed, lion gets far leaps, etc). Bonus fact: if she had stayed in her clan and became the leader, she would have been granted the ability to summon a catlike creature, much like the Sannin’s animals. However, since she dipped out, her sister got this connection instead. She doesn’t use weapons very often, her claws usually do the trick.

Miyuka: I don’t have much down about Miyuka, but she was an orphan who was taken in by Jashinists, so of course she grew up to be one too. She met Maku while finding sacrifices and made a deal with her that if she’d help her get sacrifices, she’d be allowed to live. She actually grew fond of Maku because she was always respectful of her religion and practices. It was actually her idea to join the Akatsuki. Much like Hidan, she figured it’s a great opportunity to get sacrifices. She’s definitely hot, but don’t get too close unless you’re into knifeplay ;)

Her Akatsuki partner is Maku, of course.

She’s paired with Hidan, obv. They’re definitely under the impression that Jashin destined them together and they have NO problem showing that off to the world (Much to Kakuzu, Maku, and everyone’s disdain.)

Special abilities and weapons: Before meeting Hidan, she actually hadn’t unlocked her immortality. Hidan helped her unlock it and now they share that ability. Instead of a skeletal form, though, her form is more ghostly. She uses two sickles as her weapons.

Gashiyo: Gashiyo actually wasn’t technically a shinobi, but her grandfather was and he taught her everything she knows about fighting. She lived on his farm her whole life, and she was very close with one of the cows, Yumi. She grew up with Yumi since she was a little calf. Because of her, Gashiyo grew fond of cows, and they’re her favorite animals. When she was 17, she met a boy who came to work on her grandpa’s farm, and they fell in love. They became attached at the hip, and spent a whole summer together. One fateful night, she awoke to ruckus. When she went outside she found her grandfather dead and Yumi too. Standing over Yumi’s body was the boy she had fallen in love with. Turns out he had been working for a local gang that her grandpa owed money to. She ended up killing him for what he’d done. Ever since, her heart grew cold and she became a very angry person. She joined the Akatsuki, since she had nowhere to go and she needed money. 

Her Akatsuki partner is Koki.

She got paired with Deidara. She found him extremely annoying at first, but he wormed his way into her heart. Because of her past experiences with love, it was very difficult for her to open up to him. She’s pretty waspy, but she’s grown softer since. He even made her a little clay cow (It was very difficult for him to resist the urge to blow it up, but he managed.)

Special abilities and weapons: Her stampede jutsu causes a stampede of bulls made of chakra to charge toward her opponents. She also has brass knuckles with bull horns on them.

Koki: I honestly don’t have a backstory for her yet. I can tell you what she was like before I revamped her though. She literally just looked like Kisame, but a gorl lol. They were from the same village ig. Also she was a princess too excerpt it made no sense. I just wanted a princess (this was actually before i changed Maku’s story. She wasn’t originally a princess.) character i think. 

BUT i swear she’s waayyyy better now

Her Akatsuki partner is Gashiyo

She was paired with Kisame. If ever she had a weakness, it’s muscles. She saw him with his cloak off and it was OVER. Koki is anything but shy, and i think Kisame appreciated that. She doesn’t just like muscles on her men, she loves them on herself too! They often work out together.

Special abilities and weapons: She’s a puppet master, but her puppets are rather unusual. They’re more like little spider robots she’s infused with her chakra to do her bidding. She’s very fond of them, despite everyone finding them creepy. She usually uses small ones but she has them in all sorts of sizes.

Shiitake: Shiitake used to be one of Orochimaru’s experiments. Because of this, she has amnesia and doesn;t remember much from before her time with him. She somehow got away and joined the Akatsuki to, hopefully, gain protection from him. In all honesty, she doesn’t really want to be there. Her heart was never one for murder or crime, but she doesn’t really have a choice. She’s very quiet and rarely speaks unless spoken to.

Her Akatsuki partner is Anara.

She’s paired with Itachi. When he found out she used to be one of Orochimaru’s experiments, they bonded over their experiences with him. He told her about how he was targeted to be one of Orochimaru’s bodies. Though they know they don’t have a lot of time together due to Itachi’s sickness, they still try to make the best of the time they have. ANd until then, he promised he wouldn’t let Orochimaru anywhere near her. He felt it’s the least good he could do for someone.

Special abilities and weapons: WIP, i literally have no idea yet. 

Anara: I actually never came up with a backstory for her until like…. A year ago. Funny enough, her back story was inspired by Spinel’s from Steven Universe ( I kind of even want her to be voiced by Sarah Stiles too, but I suppose that’d be too on the nose! Still, that’s how I hear her voice). Anara never really knew what love was really like, considering her mother never cared for her much. Her mother never wanted to be a mom, but she met a man she really loved and he wanted a family. However, before Anara was born, her father died. Left as a husk from the depression of losing her lover and having a baby she never really wanted, her mom became very cold and distant. She kept her daughter alive, but that was about it. Anara tried very hard to make her mother happy, or really make her feel any emotion at all, but nothing worked. One day, her mother told Anara to stay home, and that she’d be back later. She left, and never came back, silently hoping maybe her daughter would just die. Well, she didn’t die. She eventually came to the realization her mother was never coming back for her, and she left that house and found her way to the nearest town where she was taken into the orphanage. She joined the academy to become a shinobi, but her heart was also in the arts. She performed plays for the other orphans, and loved the attention she received, the attention she craved. When she became older, she was both a shinobi and a theatre performer. Unfortunately, she still never really felt what it was like to be truly loved by someone. One day, she cracked from remembering the trauma of her mother and feeling like she may never receive the love she craved dearly, and ran away from the village, becoming a missing-nin. Tobi found her, and she became enamored with the mysterious masked man. She agreed to join the Akatsuki, hoping that he could fill the void in her heart. A chance to find a place where she belongs, whisked on an adventure by a mysterious masked man who promised to give her all she wanted? What else could a theatre girl want, lmao.

Her Akatsuki partner is Shiitake

She’s paired with Tobi, but it’s not clear if he feels the same or if he’s just using her. Doesn’t really seem to matter to her either way, she’s just happy to feel some sort of love.

Special abilities and weapons: WIP as well, lmao

Kimako: Kimako isn’t a shinobi, but she is the daughter of one. She’s the only one who has a definite village right now, she’s from Sunagakure. Her story is the one that's probably the dumbest but I have a very strong attachment to it for some reason, so w/e. 

She has no partner.

She’s paired with Sasori. They’ve known eachother since they were little, as she lived close to him and their parents were friends. Her heart broke for him when he found out his parents weren’t coming home. She always had a crush on him, and he was ok with her, since she was always kind to him. When he became a shinobi, she stayed by his side to encourage him. She’d always been proud of him. Before he lost interest in emotions or w/e, he cared for her in his own little way. He even gave her a ring and promised to be hers. Her love for him was very strong, and when he ran away, she vowed to find him, no matter what it took. When she found out he had joined the Akatsuki, she did everything she could to find a way to join and get close to him again. She somehow succeeded, and she pleaded to join, despite having no fighting abilities. She said she’d do anything, and they took pity on her, and found SOME use for her (though i haven’t figured out what that is yet… wip). Once she was accepted and finally reunited with her love, she was devastated to find out he no longer had any feelings for her. All those years, wasted. Not only that, but she now was in debt to the Akatsuki and had to do work for them. Anara did her best to comfort her, so they kind of became friends, so that’s something. DOes Sasori ever regain his feelings? Maybe, maybe not. Guess we’ll have to see ;) Though I do think, for him, she’d agree to become a puppet too. If that was his price or smthn.

Special abilities and weapons: None, just one sad little broken heart.

[ftkd-arts]

HC: Apple Bloom

I've come across new, different ideas for AB, so I'm updating my Harmonyverse HC for her, with a new full-body adult design! Onto the headcanons~

Her parents, Pear "Buttercup" Butter and Delicious "Bright Mac" Cameo, died very close to their youngest daughter's birth. Buttercup was left terribly exhausted afterwards, with so little strength she couldn't even hold her newborn in her arms. Doctors feared she wouldn't make it. With what Buttercup accepted as her final breath, she gave their foal a name. Daisy Blossom. (Granny Smith would later give the filly a name fit for the tiny, sleek filly; Apple Bloom.)

Yet, Buttercup lived through it. She was still weak and tired, but she was alive. On the first day she was allowed to walk around Ponyville, her and Bright Mac took out their oldest, Johnny, to the market with baby Apple Bloom. A few minutes into grocery shopping, Buttercup fainted. Bright Mac raced to help her. Only Johnny saw the supply carriage bumbling towards them, and in that one second he could yell, the young colt froze in terror.

Following the funeral, Applejack vowed to always, always protect Apple Bloom and her family, and Johnny inherited Bright Mac's name and his work. All siblings were contracted to their only remaining grandparent, Granny Smith, after some fight from Bright Mac's best friend Burnt Oak, who was the godfather of the children.

Big Mac and Applejack developed quickly. They couldn't make mistakes in raising Apple Bloom, their last connection to their lost parents. Applejack became a constant helicopter to her, making sure Apple Bloom was comfortable, happy, and healthy. Big Mac was more loose than Jack, but he did take care of the baby a lot, as stubborn AJ took up a wealthy amount of the farmwork.

The more Apple Bloom grew, the more she dreamed of freedom and uninterrupted alone-time. She fixated over proving herself mature, so Applejack would loosen the leash a little, if not all the way. One day, a thought crossed her mind; cutie marks. They were handled as the last step into puberty! She needed to earn her cutie mark to be a big mare!

Soon, she found the only other blank-flanks, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, and together they formed the Cutie Mark Crusaders. As roughly the oldest CMC (During the course of the show, Apple Bloom and her fellow classmates are preteen foals, while the Mane Six are in their 20s), Apple Bloom appointed herself the unofficial leader.

Apple Bloom was too young to remember her mother and father's faces from her own memories, so she always relied on pictures and stories from her family. The Apple children weren't aware that their mother wasn't an Apple, so they believed themselves pure-blooded. Applejack and Big Mac never questioned it... But it had confused Apple Bloom since she could think.

Apples were portrayed as strong, tall creatures. A mass of fluff, freckles, and muscles. True forces to be reckoned with. So why wasn't Apple Bloom?

Even before getting her cutie mark, AB was skinny, sleek, small and shimmery. She was curious and self-conscious. It was typical for the average Apple foal to have a growth spurt early into their tweens, and to come out as a new, fluffy and buffy pony. But she just wasn't.

That fact scared her. She hated the idea that she wasn't actually an Apple. That she was just some kid Granny Smith took pity on and fostered. How could she know for sure that Buttercup was her mother, or Bright Mac her father? Why didn't her real parents want her? Was she bad, somehow? Why wasn't she enough for anyone as-is? Not for Applejack, who wanted her to be a perfect, safe carbon copy? Not for her friends, who wanted her to be a commanding leader? Not for Anypony... No creature loved her truly, did they?

She had convinced herself that she was adopted when she met a mister Grand Pear. Finally, she got an answer to why her body was different. She simply had the athletic, slim figure of her mother, and that was okay. Apple Bloom was a little disappointed she wasn't a full Apple, but she was half-Apple, and that made her happy.

Luckily, tho, she did eventually have her growth spurt, late into her teens. Unfortunately to Bloom, this also attracted the attention of... suitors. Ew

Apple Bloom had always wanted to be so many things. Zecora's official full-time apprentice, the real leader of the Crusaders, the strongest Apple... And within a few years, she would achieve those dreams. She would build up her own future, packed with multiple professions (blacksmith, carpenter, engineer, farmer, potion brewer, dancer, fixer, head of a Youth Camp)... And those responsibilities would turn into an excuse as to why she didn't pursue a meaningful relationship.

Love was too messy for her. The idea of falling for somebody and them wasting her time wasn't a thought she favored. Romance was a fickle force, closer to Chaos than the friendship lessons she had been taught and had since mastered. She believed she had everything she wanted. That may have been true, if she wasn't terrified of falling in love.

She was scared. Terrified that if she found someone she really connected with, someone she built her life with and loved more than the stars, that that creature would be taken from her. No matter if the love was true, no matter if they were good and honest, even if they had a beautiful life together, that partner could be snuffed out. And it would hurt. So, so much. Enough that Apple Bloom would be left bitter, paranoid, depressed and alone.

It happened to Buttercup and Bright Mac. It could happen to anyone.

So Apple Bloom didn't have much of a love life. Sure, she had flings, but those were short and wild, with ponies she didn't actually love and that felt the same way about her. Her whirlwind fling with one Featherweight was never supposed to end in pregnancy. It was supposed to be uncomplicated summer fun. But life wasn't like that sometimes. Most of the time, it seemed. Now, because of her recklessness, a child was on the way, and she had no idea how to care for a foal, or a husband.

Featherweight was happy he was going to be a father, but at the same time, he never expected or wanted a baby with Apple Bloom. He only felt genuine friendship for the mare, and she felt the same. They had many long talks over what to do. Apple Bloom promptly crossed off the notion of an abortion before anybody had even mentioned it. Finally, they agreed to have and raise the baby together, as friends.

A week into the pregnancy, Apple Bloom revamped the Cutie Mark Clubhouse into a humble cabin. Featherweight moved in to care for her.

Nine months and a lot of chocolate-laced apple deserts later, Apple Bloom would deliver her first and only baby girl. As soon as she held the tiny filly in her arms, she felt something so fierce in her heart. She never wanted anything bad to happen to this little ball of fluff. She wanted her baby to have a full life, brimming with creatures that loved her. She had never felt something so powerful before the birth of her daughter... Buttercup would be her name, Apple Bloom decided. Maria Meadow Buttercup, after Granny Maria Smith and Pear Butter.

Apple Bloom loved Buttercup so much, she recognized the feelings she had been neglecting. She wanted to feel what love was like when it was romantic. Of course, her daughter was more important than dating for a long while, but after Featherweight moved out and could have Buttercup over at his apartment, Apple Bloom decided to try it.

AB didn't have much luck. Most of her (in hindsight, ill-picked) dates weren't very open-minded when she mentioned her newborn. It took only a few months for her to get frustrated with it. She slowly resented her even trying to find someone. She hated the rejection. She wanted real, true love, from a kind being that sparked something within her. Was that too much to ask?

Then one random day, she stumbled into an old friend. Diamond Dazzle Tiara, her old bully turned friend, who had changed into quite the business mare. She was working a manager position in Barnyard Bargains, her father's international retail industry. Humbly (or stubbornly, as Spoiled Rich would put it), Diamond refused to quit her job as the Ponyville Mayor's assistant. Apple Bloom remembered how convincing and snobby Mrs. Rich could be, and was secretly impressed Diamond had managed to subdue her.

Still, Diamond Tiara was obviously struggling. She needed a break. After Apple Bloom got a friend to fill in for Dia's shift, Diamond couldn't say no to a catch-up-coffee-date! (Which served as a subtle tell for Bloom; Diamond was single!)

Diamond Tiara had so much to spill. Apple Bloom was surprised to see the mare in such a frantic state. Where was the poised, graceful, cunning and confident young mare that Apple Bloom had said goodbye to when she went away for University in Prance? Diamond Tiara had changed, and with good reason.

The mare had been the bride of her university sweetheart, Snails (who would have guessed? Literally no one). They had been happy... until they weren't. And then Diamond had the dumbest idea she might have ever had. Saving their relationship with a baby didn't work. Now she was a divorced single mother with joint custody of their baby, Drama Queen, and, worse, she had had another daughter with wild ex-boyfriend Rumble, siring baby Loudmouth. (Diamond doesn't regret having her daughters, of course. She just wished it was under different circumstances.)

But, but, but, she was happy once she and life-long bestie Silver Spoon agreed to open a restaurant together. It was so fun being the boss! Being awesome bosses with her bestie! Being an awesome, good mother to her young children! It was amazing. She had been picking her life back together, and she had been happy.

Then her mother had to ruin everything even more. Diamond was somewhat afraid of Spoiled Rich. After the birth of Loudmouth, Dia had cut off communication with her mom. But she couldn't muster up the courage to say a much wanted 'no' when Spoiled Rich dropped by and pressured Diamond to go back to Barnyard Bargains. This wasn't what Dia wanted, she knew, but she couldn't find a way out. She needed out, she wasn't happy here, not as her mother's obedient pawn or as a respected employee of her dad's company.

Apple Bloom wasn't going to let her friend accidentally wreck her life. Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara constructed a plan to help Diamond stand up to Spoiled Rich, and with support from friends and family, Diamond left Barnyard Bargains and helped Silver Spoon open more establishments, all while happily maintaining her assistant job and becoming a fitness coach.

Diamond Tiara soon moved in with Apple Bloom, originally as close friends... Until something more bloomed.

Other notes~

- Apple Bloom is now a flirty and fun, yet collected and stern mare. She's a good mother, probably the best out of the CMC. She graduated from needing some twisted version of freedom to actually having it, in the form of healthy independence together. Loves chocolate treats, charity work, detective novels, folk and hip hop music, mythology, trashy romantic comedies and cheap horror films, and horoscopes.

- Only rare ponies know Apple Bloom's full name, and that goes for a lot of Apples. They're a Clan of nicknames, basically.

- Apple Bloom isn't heavyset because of muscles, she is simply a plus-sized woman.

- Apple Bloom didn't attend University. She opted to have less on her plate during her pregnancy and the first few years of Buttercup's childhood. Now that Buttercup is a preteen and isn't as much as a hoof-ful as a baby pony, Apple Bloom takes online courses. She is aiming for a degree in carpentry, with minors in mechanical engineering and art.

- As a younger filly, Bloom preferred the calmer, quieter energy of her brother. Into childhood, strong, fearless and independent Applejack shifted into her idol instead. Still, Apple Bloom doesn't like to share either of her siblings, and was very hostile towards their respective partners at first, as well as new friends, old sweethearts, and the occasional friendly stranger. She is also very protective of Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, who she considers her first real friends. You bet she threatened the hell outta Tender Taps and Gilded Lily.

And she was even more pissed when Granny Smith got a girlfriend!

- Apple Bloom opened a Youth Camp for foals to try out different activities. These foals didn't have to be blank-flanks; it was opened to any kid.

- Her mentor Zecora broadened Apple Bloom's worldview farther than Applejack ever had. Zecora taught her about so many different plants, creatures, cultures, and most notably, religions. Zecora mentioned the belief of Magic (the Ponyverse term for real-world Wicca) to a teenage Apple Bloom, and from there on, Apple Bloom researched the hell outta it.

Magic was mostly a religion practised by non-unicorn ponies and species that were believed, by dismissive unicorns that spread it as the truth, not to be magically inclined. Apple Bloom was raised as a believer of Providence (a form of Ponyverse Christianity), and for a few years considered herself both a Witch and a Provider. She now defines as only a Witch. Wears a Wiccan necklace that promises protection.

- Tattoos do exist in MLP, and Granny was not happy when college-aged AB got roses on her arm. Granny wasn't that supportive of her second tattoo, either; Diamond Tiara's initials (but certainly not as mad as the roses).

- Humanverse Apple Bloom's name is Daisy "Blossom" Alma, and she is an Asian Australian American woman that rocks V-neck flannel crop tops and mom jeans.

- Part of the reasons why Bloom didn't want a shot-gun marriage was for Featherweight's best friend's sake, Pipsqueak. Pip turned jittery and awkward whenever Apple Bloom was around or the pregnancy (and the following newborn baby) was mentioned. Apple Bloom quickly realized Pipsqueak was deeply in love with an oblivious Featherweight, who was even more oblivious to the fact that he felt the same way. Shortly after their daughter was born, Apple Bloom match-made her baby daddy with his bestie, and those two are still together to this day.

- Apple Bloom is still friends with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, despite Sweetie's house being in Canterlot while she frequently tours Equestria as a pop singer, supermodel and exotic dancer and Scootaloo traveling the world as a Scout to reform creatures that need to be taught friendship. Sweetie Belle's job is very time-consuming while Scootaloo's is both time-consuming and dangerous as hell.

Apple Bloom worries about them a lot, Sweetie because she's a recovering drug addict in an industry known for hardcore corruption and Scootaloo because of her reckless nature. Apple Bloom regularly checks in with her old dance partner/Sweetie Belle's also-celebrity husband Tender Taps, the power couple's quietly confident daughter Bella Danzatrice, Scootaloo's surprisingly stable and non-wild genius wife Gilded Lily (who's AB's step-niece), and their shy, smart son Orion.

- Dia and Snails' daughter Drama Queen formed a Sister Squad with half-sisters Loudmouth and Champion (Snails and Twist's filly), and soon brought in Buttercup. Since then, little Buttercup is a bit more spoken than she used to be, but is still lacking in confidence. She's a soft-spoken, gentle, sensitive filly that's at the top of her class. She is most comfortable when with close friends or close family. Like her mother, Buttercup juggles many hobbies, but mostly enjoys crafts and perfume-making. Buttercup requires a lot of encouragement because of her poor self-image. Apple Bloom is always, always patient with her.

And that's the new rewrite! I felt like I left too much out last time, and I sketched an adult AB and made it the base of her new HC: Character. I'll probably be making new ones for Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, too, since I've discovered new headcanons from other people that I like more than mine. Peace ✌️

[trace-error]

TraceError(”Religion”);

Oh boy this one is sure to piss some people off.

Before saying anything, I believe it’s important to define what I mean by religion. For me, it is a defined set of beliefs that goes unquestioned by its followers with a combination of these basic tenets: higher power that creates and influences the physical universe, a revered text of some sort that contains rules and guidelines for living a good life, an afterlife for the good people who choose to adhere to those rules, an afterlife for the wicked people who don’t follow such rules, special individuals with some sort of connection to the higher power(s), special places of worship, and a mythology of stories or special events (i.e. miracles). Religion thinks it succeeds when it comes to answering questions of our creation, our death, and our morality.

So with that out the way and having a basic foundation as to what I mean by religion, why is it an error in our human societal software?

While some may see it as a stepping stone to our advancements and usage of science to determine facts and laws about the universe, many, like myself, see it as flawed, irrational, and mostly a disrupting influence over our ways of thinking. Religion treats fantastic ideas as true. By fantastic, I, of course, mean fantasy, not amazing.

You don’t believe in dragons and undead ice zombies, do you? Well, why would you believe someone walked on water or rose from the dead or that a snake-headed woman can turn you to stone if you happen to gaze into her eyes? Some believe Jesus did walk on water. Make that a lot of people! On the other hand, I’m thankful that beliefs have evolved a bit and people no longer believe a Medusa creature exists with transmuting capabilities.

Neighbor of yours?

Ah yes, “evolution”. It is such a combative word for religious folks. While I won’t get into the scientific theory that explains the gradual development of simple organisms to becoming complex organisms, I will use the word to show the development of an idea. I want to as briefly as I possibly can, give you a quick evolution of religion as an idea, where it came from, how it’s been manipulated, why it’s lasted so long, and what the consequences are for its continued perseverance in our advanced world.

This little graphic will visually explain the history or evolution of religion. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Apologies to pro-cavemanisists out there, but early man was dumb. I say that with affection and confidence. They simply did not have the ability to reason and explain the natural world as they perceived and experienced it. Imagine what it was like to see some orange circle rise and set without knowing what it actually was. Or the fact that the white circle in the sky never seemed to move, or that it changed shapes or that it became most visible when the orange circle was gone. How would you explain the small dots in the sky at night? What the fuck is even night? Could you imagine how freaked out you would be at a solar eclipse? How would you explain these things if you or anyone you ever encountered had never taken a basic science class? What kind of amazing things would you think up? What stories would you tell? Now imagine the power you’d have if the small group you were surviving with all thought you were the smart one because you had a good story that made sense to them. Imagine the dumbest person in your group of friends was the one everybody went to for answers. Now consider that this person is exponentially smarter than the most intelligent homo-sapien grazing the earth thousands of years ago.

Early man had to make some sense of his world and could only pull from the knowledge he had available to him. What makes him survive and what kills him? These things mattered on a minute by minute basis. Animals shared the land and were a source of food while also providing the clothing for warmth.  The rocks and wood sheltered them. Fire kept them warm. Water satisfied their thirst. Life was very basic and so were their early ideas. These simple things that we, today, may take for granted were revered.

The most primitive of belief systems that we really have record of is something called animism. It’s still practiced by remote tribes in Africa, the Amazon, and in areas like Papua New Guinea or the Australian Outback. Essentially, Animism is that all things in the natural world have a soul or are alive and should be worshipped in some fashion. So next time you stub your toe on a rock, kindly say, “Excuse me”.

Man anthropomorphizes things in order to understand or try to understand the world. In animated cartoons, we give animals voices and human-like emotions in order to educate and entertain our children (and some adults). But, while it is entertainment, what we are really doing is just telling stories, hashing out our moral codes, detailing how things work in society.

When early man looked up at the sky, it looked much much different than it does for us in 2017. We live in these big cities with a ton of light pollution and unless we go out into the middle of the desert or climb a mountain, we’re not getting the same perspective of the night’s sky that early man had. The sky was most definitely “lit” as the kids say. At night, they had a fire to keep them warm and the stars above to entertain them. Given their basic nature and catalog of their surroundings, they probably start seeing animals in the sky (today, we call them constellations). In time, they made-up stories for these starry animals. The night’s sky became their television, their cartoons. It was their source of entertainment. They were the show creators and after thousands of years of storytelling, they became very good at it.

Their stories and their ideas evolved. To fathom big issues like creation or death or smaller, but, yet, vital things like why it rained and why it hasn’t, their primitive understanding of things had to evolve. Some people asked questions. The sky beings became more influential and provided answers in a fashion that was all too familiar. For instance, the sun and its light battled the moon and darkness. The celestial bodies were given names and worshiped. We might just call them gods. There were fans of the sun while some were more moon people. They created rituals. Soon, to make storytelling less complicated, these many sky gods were consolidated into one sky god (Abrahamic religions: Judaism, Christianity, Islam).  In more than one culture, the sky god(s) came to earth (Zeus, Jesus, Krishna) to interact with humans because, well, doesn’t that story sound cool? Cool sounding stories became a way of controlling people so charismatic salesmen (prophets, popes, imans, rabbis) sold them cooler ideas about the sky god(s) that they, and only they, could speak directly to them. If these particular people were good at their sales pitch, then why not give them money so they can afford to wear the best clothing in the land and, also, erect grand structures to prove how amazing their particular story is.

Viola, just like that we managed to fast-forward thousands of years of religious belief.

Religion is simply something drummed up by some dumb people who were bored and didn’t have modern-day science.  Imagine telling your child a bedtime story and thousands of years of it evolving lead to it be a way of life for billions of people. Come to think of it, I want my own religion now.

In all seriousness, religious belief comes down to one thing and that’s faith. A faith in something that is keenly illogical, irrational, unseen, untestable, and unverified by science. These stories that are the foundation of religious belief are usually void of any science. They are not replicable in today’s world. The sun doesn’t battle the moon. We understand orbits and processions. People don’t turn water into wine. If someone were able to, believe me, this person would have been the biggest celebrity on the planet. Historians of the time would be writing amazing tales of this person’s exploits. Of course, they didn’t. This Jesus Christ individual was simply not that famous. There might have been one contemporary historian who mentions Jesus, but it was more a small mention than say a whole chapter in a book sort of thing. Instead, it was people who came along decades later who did the reporting of this big Jesus character. How trustworthy of a source is that? Would you trust someone’s stories about JFK had nothing been reported between now and 1963?

Faith, to me, is a crutch people rely on when they’re too dumb to know how something works or functions. To help them piece together an explanation, they’re willing to accept a simple believable reason. Simple doesn’t make it reasonable. For instance, you lose your job and some religious person may conceivably say, “God has a different path for you. Have faith. Pray about it.” Ugh. That makes my blood boil. Maybe circumstance occurred where my skills either weren’t good enough or I became overqualified for the position. Perhaps the company was cutting back costs and I became expendable. Does God dabble in accounting? Or a more significant example would be something like innocent civilians dying in a drone attack or a horrific mass shooting in a nightclub. The religious may say, “We’ll pray for their families and have faith that God has a plan.” A plan? Really, the murder of innocent people is part of some plan? The consequence of this insane thinking is totally invalidating to what occurred. It allows the perpetrators to get away with the attack, while also glossing over the collateral damage of war and being all too accepting of violence. There’s zero critical-thinking being done here. Faith is to thinking what ordering take-out is to cooking.

So, you see the dilemma. Irrational belief requires a steady diet of laziness of the mind. Why is this significant? When you think you have been given all of the answers, you are steadfast with your idea the way the world should be. Religious folks vote and they vote in large numbers. They’re an appealing demographic who get easily riled up when they feel like they’re losing power or their beliefs are invalidated. The people they vote for are put into high positions of government leadership. They wind up controlling school curricula, military, budgets for scientific research, climate and energy policies, etc. Religious belief stymies progress. It impedes scientific curiosity. Most of all it divides us. Everyone thinks that their story is better evident by years of religious wars. People are too lazy to learn new things. When it comes to critical-thinking, religious believers sit their fat ass on the couch and order take out.

I’m not saying there isn’t a god. If there was a god or not, I think our lives would still be the same. However, we don’t need faith or religion. We understand the sky now. We know why it rains. We have awesome tools to view galactic bodies and the means to perform advanced math computations. We’ve built computers, planes, and automobiles. We’ve cloned animals. We can 3D-print human organs. We’re beginning to understand gravitational waves and what that means for the birth of the universe. We have the means to store all of our collective learning and instantly access it in the palm of our hand. We can share ideas with people we’ve never met in person who happen to live thousands of miles away from us. 

There are great possibilities and paths for progress anxiously awaiting us. More people are waking up and closing these ancient books and ignoring the phony salesmen in their neighborhood. We’re making slow progress. We’ve come a long way in some aspects, but, unfortunately, some people, make that billions of people, still like to talk to rocks.